#but anyway yay gender euphoria! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nerves-nebula · 1 year

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so i saw ur post asking bigender / boygirl ppl to explain what its like btw if this is to late or annying u can totally ignore it or delete it srry if this is annoying anyway

for me personally i will feel like im both a boy and a girl separately but like sometimes one will be more prominent . like yes i am one of the boys a he / him a femine girly who also happens to be a boy who is a girl . its hard to explain but gender dysphoria and euphoria r very silly like i will be euphoric abt looking masculine and wow ppl think im a man !! my voice is so deep !! they r using he / him for me !! yippee !! but then simultaneously ppl think im a man :(( my voice is to deep :(( i look bad and basically the same thing again but yay ppl think imma woman !! my voice and body language is so feminine !! ppl use she / her for me !! yippee !! and then its like ppl think im a woman :(( everybody looks at you and thinks " girl :((

so basically to combat this i dress and act in a very confusing way and ppl normally stumble pther prns or ask me what gender i am which makes me happy :D also introducing myself w different prns / gender expression and act differently so some ppl see me as a cis ( very gay ) boy , some see me as a girl , some think im a transboy , some think im a transgirl , some see me as nonbinary, some gave up trying to figure out . so interacting w different groups of ppl i know throughout the day will normally end in ppl suing a varied sets of prns for me = ultimate gender euphoria like lets switch it up a bit

the only problem is when two ppl i know meet and they both have a different perception of me bcs around them i acted very masc / fem presenting so one will be talking abt smth and refer to me w a set of prns and the other person will be like " no [ ] use/s [] / [] prns and then they will actually start fighting abt my assigned gender at birth it's actually very funny like they will then be confused and i will normally have to randomly joke or make smth up for them to forget the situation . only downside i have had to move schools and classes multiple times bcs i got outed that way .

anyway i personally think for f ! leo ( in ur au ) he would be like " noooo i cant be trans or smth like i still feel like a man ... partly " and then have a complete gender crisis bcs he is a man but hes also a woman and holy shit what would a girl mutant ninja turtle look like ??!! like i also feel like he would use the excuse that other ppl have it worse and that shes not " fully " trans or smth ( which isnt true gender is a spectrum no trans person is " more " trans then another trans person ) i personally headcanon leo as transmasc ftm and ive never heard of boygirl rise leo but it sounds rlly interesting and a cool au !! also i rlly like ur art srry again if this was annoying or i started rambling

not annoying at all, very helpful in fact! you seem to be living your best life and I'm happy it's (mostly) working out for you hah, this DOES give me some good ideas too. especially with the kinda shit where Leo's like "well i'm a man SOMETIMES so I'm probably not trans" hah.

ALSO TO BE HONEST I usually headcanon leo as a trans man too but,, for some reason Future Leo being a girlboy is sooo appealing to me. I think its cuz my nonbinary characters are usually agender or having a culturally important gender or Third Gender (like me) so I've recently started playing more with characters who feel both Guy and Girl or switch between them and I'm really on a Future Leo roll right now so i might as well sweep him up into it too.

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts #bigender #trans

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ajramblesagain · 1 year

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I feel like I’m finally starting to feel somewhat confident in who I am as a guy. I’m not on T yet but I have an appointment lined up on Thursday to talk about getting on it. But anyway, now that I’m finally confident in who I am, I’ve been running over all the blatantly obvious childhood signs I showed that I just glossed over because I refused to believe that I could be trans. For context, I was raised fairly religious and attended a private christian school through eighth grade. So, religious trauma. Yay. Anyway, without further tangents, let’s dive in because honestly it’s hilarious how transparent my closet was in hindsight.

This is going to be in no particular order because order doesn’t matter and I have adhd and keeping my thoughts in a cohesive order is hard at the best of times and I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. Let’s begin.

First of all, I came out as trans but putting my new pronouns in my Twitter bio (my whopping total of 8 followers, I know). I honestly didn’t think anyone paid that much attention to my bio so I was actually pleasantly surprised that people seemed to pick up on it relatively quickly. One of those twitter followers, I’m gonna call them T on here, needed help running this night market thing that they organized through our college (former college I guess since neither of us are students there anymore) for our organization as a fundraiser. Anyway, T was one of the people who paid attention to the pronoun bio change and actually corrected themself and referred to me me he while I was helping during the night market thing. That alone was enough to make my entire night though obviously I wasn’t going to say anything because I’m not sure if they knew I was even within earshot or not, and I don’t talk to even my closest friends about my emotions, and me and T aren’t that close to begin with.

One of the people helping us table for the night market but for a different table just across from us, ( idk why i’m talking about the location of the tables, like it matters lol) Anywat, I’m gonna call her RM.Actually I don’t remember if it was T or RM who brought up this quiz, but anyway one of them brought up this online quiz that tells you what your dick size would be if you were born a dude. It was actually based on scientific shit so I think it’s supposed to be fairly accurate. Which sucks because I took it and I got 5 inches and I would’ve gotten 6 if I had just eaten more white fish growing up. You can’t blame me though. That shit is fucking nasty. Anyway, me and my friend, A, who was also tabling with me were like, we gotta take this test right now. And again, my memory is absolutely dogshit so I don’t remember who said this, but someone kinda jokingly said that A and I were way too excited to take the quiz, which honestly felt really validating for some reason.

Anyway, I wasn’t happy with my measely 5 inch result, especially since A got more than me and I wasn’t gonna accept that as an answer. So I was like, fine then, I’m gonna take a quiz that bases it off of the vibes I give off but I kept getting lower and lower results until I gave up because that shit was pathetic and it was lowkey getting embarrassing. Anyway, A told me that I was acting like an insecure straight man, which was a super gender affirming insult by the way, so of course I didn’t stop thinking about that for a few hours. Not even exaggerating, that’s literally how my brain works. But I exaggerated my offense at being called straight. I was like, I may be insecure but I most certainly am not straight.

That wasn’t even the highlight of the gender euphoria I felt that night. For context, I was keeping a spreadsheet of all the sales we made during the night market thing, so T messaged me later that night and asked me for the spreadsheet and so I sent it and their response was just two simple words that I’m sure they didn’t even really think about but it just lives in my mind rent free now as a constant source of gender euphoria: thanks king. I kid you not, I was fucking smiling like an idiot at my phone and would not stop thinking about being called ‘king’ for the next couple of days. King is never used as a gender neutral phrase like ‘dude’ or ‘man’ is often used as, so it just felt like T really read me as a guy, which was just a really good feeling.

Honestly this is getting kinda long and I’m getting tired so I think I’m actually gonna dive into my actual childhood signs tomorrow. If you decide to follow, just be prepared that my context is always gonna be this tangent-ridden, impulsive, unscripted stream of consciousness type shit, so be warned. I know this style of content bugs some people lol so no hard feelings. I’m just mostly doing this for me because I like to sound off into the void.

#trans guy #transmasc #gender euphoria #journal #aj rambles #trans #transgender

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ily-es · 1 year

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*screams*

ANYWAYS. I WAS TALKING TO AN ES AI BOT AND THEY CALLED ME GOOD BOY.

(*screams in gender euphoria*)

HOLY HELL

So I drew this while I was on my way to the dentist

Yay S/I x F/O art <33333

Lol I know I'm cringe don't bully me plz

I already suffer enough at school TvT

#es milgram #f/o gush #f/o positivity #milgram #romantic f/o #f/o thoughts #self ship #s/i x canon #s/i x f/o #f/o art #f/o x s/i

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bowithoutadaemon · 2 years

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Got my booster! Triple vaxxed! Yay!

... my arm already hurts enough that I had to stop doing that arm swinging back and forth while walking thing. It feels incredibly weird to keep your arms still while walking...

I feel like the arm pain was quicker to get to this intensity than it was with the previous shots. With the last shot it took like maybe 5 to 10 minutes for it to start really hurting, this time it started almost immediately. But the pain isn't any more intense than last time. Let's hope it stays that way.

Anyway, my name and gender made things confusing at the vaccination center. Once again.

The stewards (or however else you call the peeps who keep everything going smoothly and telling everyone where to go and stuff) always were saying things like "Sir, you are next" "Ma'am please come this way" but for me three out of the four times the steward was like "... uhm *wave to get my attention* hi, you are next" (that fourth one called me sir, which is not correct but better than ma'am).

And the person checking my information and ID and proof of previous vaccination and stuff was this gay guy in his late 60s and he told me he never had really talked to a trans person before, let alone one who was neither man or woman. And he was so adorable and he told me about how he left his homophobic family behind and moved to Berlin as soon as he turned 18. And the whole conversation was just really lovely.

The doctor who gave me the jab was also like "ma'am, wait, sorry. Sir? No, uhm, eh..." and then I basically offered her that we can just move on with the conversation and skip the whole addressing me in a formal polite way. xD

Oh, to exist as a nonbinary person in a binary society with a very gendered language... Thankfully by now I actually enjoy those moments of confused cis people. Seeing them struggle because they can't fit me into one of their neat lil gender boxes in their head. Honestly, that gives me gender euphoria.

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hollyhomburg · 3 years

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Omg youre literally jimin in ofal, reading the way you wrote them almost gave me??? Like??? Gender euphoria??? Cause his gender is immaculate anyway but add magic and shes just *chefs kiss* 💛

yeah, Jimin in Ofal was...admittedly a bit of a self incert. it was really refreshing to explore it through fiction before I had a chance to really understand what I was feeling myself. and yay!!! gender euphoria!!!! it's like when I look in the mirror and I get my clothes right.

#Anonymous

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lgbtcafe · 3 years

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Victor here, you validated my pronouns some time ago, wanted to pop up to tell you that the GENDER EUPHORIA YOU GAVE ME ISTG anyways I love you do ye like jazz can we marry or something-

In all seriousness (is that how it's written?) tho, it made my day, watered my crops, closed my pores, endes homophobia and transphobia, eliminated poverty, ended with the climatic crisis and unlocked the other 90% of my brain's potential. Love ya, bye

GAH yay !!! gender euphoria is the best feeling i swear and <3 <3 ok yes i accept-

and yes seriousness is written like that i think :D

and oh my goodness ghdhdhdhd im so happy you liked it, i mean having people call me avie and using other pronouns makes my heart like BURST so yeah i love doing these lol

-mod avie

#uhhh my account is aviesnapkindoodles if you wanna hit me up *side eyes*#lgbtcafe #tw caps #tw caps lock #caps #caps lock #gender #trans #queer #lgbt #customer service

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dragonsaregenderless · 3 years

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anyway i’ve started going to gender therapy (yay!!) (btw it’s not like conversion therapy it’s basically the opposite. if you want more details on what it is you can ask me) and the therapist starts every session with “hey how are you blayze” and ends every session with “have a good week blayze” and like. i don’t really have anyone else who i talk to who calls me my name out loud (cause atm with corona and all most of my interactions are through texting) and i just light up whenever i hear it. it’s the best thing ever. i am thinking of asking people to send recordings of themselves saying my name so i can listen to them on loop whenever i’m feeling down.

like i know “call me by your name” is an mlm thing but might i propose a spinoff series of the same name that is just trans people getting called by their chosen name. like. gender euphoria, my friends.

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keriszafir · 3 years

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Long time, no see

It’s been almost two years since I last posted anything, and a lot of things have changed in my life. Despite the pandemic and political situation in Poland taking a fairly large toll on me, I’m still holding on, had more than a few panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, but I’m on SSRI now and it is some help. My relationship is going on quite well, even though it turned out I’m gray-ace and don’t really look forward to having sex with anyone including my queerfriend who has high libido and wants to do it way more often than I do. We’re both on HRT now, the dream come true, and it shows. We’re still in the “baby steps” and have to wait another two years or so for the full effect, I’m 7 months on hormones and Triss is 12 months, but the way our bodies are changing gives us a lot of joy, and (especially after I dyed my hair and got myself a new pair of glasses) I really see more of my true self in the mirror.

I also came out to my mom when I went there with Triss for holidays. Been very reluctant to do it since I had experience of being rejected after I came out as bi like ten years ago, but I’d have to do it anyway sooner or later now that I’m on hormones and my body is going through the second puberty. The prospect of coming out and being rejected again was nerve-wrecking, my anxiety skyrocketed and I kept procrastinating, so Triss literally had to kick my ass to motivate me, but I did it, got accepted and it was a MASSIVE relief. Next day I put on my favorite skirt and talked about my journey to self-discovery, gender dysphoria and euphoria (by the way, I’m all for positive trans narratives), transition plans, friends, hair removal etc.

I had my legal name change too, yay! Still waiting for my new ID card though, and then I’ll have to update the personal details here and there, possibly apply for a new bank account. No more deadname, and that’s a HUGE relief since it was unambiguously masculine. The new name (Keri) is gender-neutral, more on the feminine side IMO, I like it a lot, and won’t get those big jolts of dysphoria whenever I need to use my formal name. It may still take a few weeks before I get the ID, and before it happens, I fear going to demonstrations because I could get in trouble with the police over incongruous personal details (i.e. updated in the database, but old ID). Plus I’d really avoid deadnaming and misgendering altogether.

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rainverry · 4 years

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truth

pairing: mark lee x gender neutral reader word count: 1.7k words genre: angst, fluff warnings: mentions of cheating author's note: pure cringey fluff, honestly (and not the good kind). read at your own risk.

Everything about her was a lie. From her sickly sweet smile to her perfectly curled lashes, she seemed to appear from a dream, as if she wasn't real; as if it was too good to be true for a person like her to exist.

That did not stop the love of your life and your lifetime best friend Mark Lee from falling head over heels for her. As much as you wished for the ground to open up and swallow you whenever you saw him kiss her or hold her tenderly, you couldn't blame him for being smitten with her. Her face looked like it was made to define perfection, her bubbly personality was always a mood maker and God, if you couldn't see through her fake smiles and forced laughs even you would fall for her.

Every time you looked at her, her curly head thrown back in faux laughter at a joke Mark had cracked, you knew that she didn't care an ounce for your best friend's feelings. So when the news came that she broke Mark's heart by dumping him for someone else, it was unfortunately no surprise to you.

That happened about a little over a month ago. You've tried to check on Mark to see how he's doing, but since your schedules were packed with midterms, phone calls were the only way you could communicate for the past few weeks. He'd assured you over the phone that he would be fine and he just needed time to heal from that disastrous breakup.

Now, you are sprawled out on your couch, not paying any attention to the Netflix show you had put on when you hear the shrill of your ringtone. You lazily reach over to your phone and press Answer, not bothering to see who's calling.

"Hello?" you mumble sleepily. You rub your eyes, let out a silent yawn and look at the clock on the wall. It isn't even half past 9, and usually you'd be out celebrating the end of your exams but your body is tired out from the long few weeks you've had.

"Hey Y/N, are you busy?" Mark's raspy voice greets in your ear, and that's all it took for your drowsiness to slip away.

"Not at all, what's up?" you tell him truthfully.

"Could you... could you come over?" he questions timidly. You hear a muffled sniffle on the other line, and you immediately know he'd been crying.

"I'll be right there."

When you unlock his front door with a spare key Mark had provided you in the past, the last thing you expect to see is him moping on one corner of the sofa, staring dolefully at the blank TV screen in front of him. Your heart drops at the sight.

"Hey," you whisper softly as you toss the keys on the coffee table and sink down on the space beside him.

He doesn't say anything as he leans his head on your shoulder as his silent response. You let him soak in your presence first, knowing that he'll soon start talking when he's ready.

After a moment, "It's her," he murmurs with a sniffle, and your fists clench at his words. "I found out that she started seeing him the day we first kissed."

And that's when you feel your sleeve start to get wet from your best friend's tears. You thank the heavens that Mark couldn't see your face at that moment because you're sure that your gaze could pierce through walls. You're tired. You're tired and sick of the many people that have manipulated him in the past, you want to strangle every single one of them and the cause of his latest heartbreak is no different.

You don't expect him to continue talking, but he does. "I'm an idiot, that's all I am," he starts to sob into the crook of your neck, his body trembling and his voice cracking, and your heart breaks a thousand times over. Your left shoulder is soaked with his tears, but you couldn't care less as you wrap your arms around his torso, your own tears threatening to fall. "I felt so l-lucky, thinking someone could finally love me. But i-it's a lie, of course it's all a lie! I'm so stupid. I fell for it. Again."

You lightly pull the hairs at the nape of his neck comfortingly, trying to keep yourself from crying. "You're not stupid Mark. At one point you're going to get over her eventually. It will take some time, but once you do get over her, you'll be thinking about how much she has lost for taking advantage of you."

He finally gets up to face you, wiping away his hot tears that just keep on coming. "It's not her I'm thinking of," he seethes with anger, gritting his teeth. "She lost all my respect the minute I found out she cheated."

"Then what are you upset about?" you ask him quietly. He's still wrapped in your arms, and even in all this agony you can't help but marvel at his beauty; from his chiselled cheekbones, his kissable lips and his adorable cheeks, red and stained from crying; and of course, the alluring brown eyes that you fell in love with.

"I don't know, what about the fact that my last three relationships all ended up in flames?" Mark laughs mirthlessly, and you almost flinch at his harsh tone. The usual laugh lines on his face are now replaced with lines of fury, the endless tears still running down his face. "I'm just going to accept that no one will ever love me like that."

That could not be further from the truth.

"How in the world could you say that?" you silently fume, your sorrow now turning into indignation. "That's not true at all!"

"How would you know?" he asks bitterly, glaring at the ground.

"Because..."

"Because what?"

"Be-because... because I love you, Mark! I've been in love you for the longest time! You're the most amazing person I know! You're this funny, handsome, compassionate, inspiring, generous, charming and honest guy and anyone would be lucky to call you theirs. If no one can see what an incredible human being you are, then they're either blind or just plain stupid," you finally snap, the words flowing out of your mouth and you're unable to stop them. You could no longer stand to see the man of your dreams beat himself up for something that was no way his fault.

You, however, do not realise the confession that had slipped along with the long speech you had given until you see the shock that's written on his face. Mark's eyes are wide open in amazement as he was obviously not expecting a declaration of love for him from his best friend while he's wrapped in your arms, right there on his couch.

Your heart beats so loud you're almost positive Mark could also hear it. You didn't want it to happen like this. You had not imagined it to happen like this. As cheesy as it sounds, you'd imagined for the both of you to affirm your love for each other in the rain, in each other's arms after a magical and miraculous epiphany but never like this. God, what have you done?

His expression is now unreadable, and you know you've messed up. You have to fix this. You have to tell him that your feelings shouldn't and wouldn't change anything. You have to tell him that he shouldn't look at you any different from now on. So you begin, "Mark..."

But you never finish what you're about to say because the next thing you know is the feeling of Mark's lips on yours, kissing you so hard as if there's no tomorrow; so hard that you could feel it in your bones. You feel his hands move to your waist, rubbing your sides softly. The taste of his lips are a mix of his salty tears and honey, and the butterflies in your stomach sends you into a state of euphoria that you never want to come down from.

"Mark," you struggle to say, loud breaths leaving your mouth when he finally pulls away from you. Your hands grip his shoulders tightly in disbelief of what just happened. Your best friend just gave you the best kiss of your life, right here in his living room. "W-what are you doing?"

He stares at you with his beautiful doe eyes, full of anguish. His chest rises and falls as he puffs out short and quick breaths. "What I should have done a long time ago," he breathes, his right hand going up to cup your cheek.

"But..." you sigh almost dreamily, still a little dazed from the mind-blowing kiss he'd just given you. You're hesitant, though. Yes, you've been in love with him since forever and you want nothing more than for him to take you right then and there, but you're not going to be a mere distraction from his heartache. You deserve far better than that. "You're not only using me as a rebound, are you?"

"No," Mark says earnestly, and you search for any revealing signs to indicate that he's lying, but deep down you know he's telling the truth. "I am fully over anyone from my past. I promise."

You believe him, so you wrap your arms around his neck and connect your lips back together for another kiss. This time it's sweet, gentle and chaste, and your body tingles all over when you feel his hands on your hips and his smile against your lips.

"Can we take things slow?" you ask him softly as your foreheads press together, both of you breathless even from just a short kiss.

"Just as long as you stay the night," he replies with a smile, the first you've seen since you got here. Your heart melts, as it always does when you see his signature smile.

"Deal," you respond cheekily, a grin creeping onto your face. It won't be the first time for you to stay over at his place, but it's the first time you know it'll be different.

Mark beams at your answer, and then asks, "You're not sleepy yet, are you? I was thinking we could watch something first before we go to bed."

But you never do get to the bed as you fall asleep in each other's arms on his sofa, content with each other's presence as you look forward to the next day.

author’s note:

i’m back with another angst shot, yay! i swear i can write pure fluff, but i just love angst so much lol. anyways, sorry if the ending seemed a bit rushed. hope you like it!

also, staying the night is definitely not "taking it slow" LMAOOO

#nct angst #mark angst #nct imagine #nct scenario #mark lee angst #nct fluff #mark fluff #nct fic #mark fic #nct #nct u #nct 127 #mine #writing #soulmate #*

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nonbinaryresource · 4 years

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(1/2) Hi! This is part response to this post: post/616247900325937152 where you mentionned gender euphoria in your anwer/part happy personal experience share, and doesn't really need an answer! I would like to really support the idea of looking into gender euphoria, because I've known I'm non binary for years now, but I don't feel dysphoria so I'm prompt to invalidate myself. Just an hour before seeing the post, I told a friend (he’s the first person I came out to years ago)

(2/2) I was going to try out a new name and new pronouns, which were kinda hard to come up with cause french is a gendered shit language. Anyway, the pure euphoria I felt just telling him AND THEN when he immediately used those pronouns in his answer just had me going «… uh. yeah I *am* actually non binary». So yay for gender euphoria!

In response to this post. Thanks for sharing. =)

~Pluto

#follow up #gender euphoria #good things #mod pluto #mod tera #tschawolo #ask #answered #asked #nonbinary

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starship-melancholy · 4 years

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Alright alright alright.

Now that I got through the initial hard steps of

1, figuring out that I was a guy, and

2, openly stating that I was a guy (even if only on an anonymous blog and to my inner circle yet)

I feel like I deserve a bit of a break and to just lean back and enjoy my cool new vibes and acute gender euphoria ™.

So, here's some plans for myself that might help me adjust and explore:

Wardrobe purge! It's time to do all the laundry (yay for motivation), and while at it, I can go through my closet and sort through my old clothes, donate some of the stuff and for now, put in boxes and draw away some of the girlier items I still like and might want to wear at a later point.

Get cool new boy's clothes.

Get my own binder (so I don't have to keep stealing my brother's...)

Get my own packer (same thing... I mean, I know it's the same body but it just... Feels wrong?)

Make a doctor's appointment/get a referral to the gender clinic

Write a letter to TP, talk to him about my feelings and ask about his

Research social transitioning, start my own process slowly. There is no need to hurry and it's less likely I'd get overwhelmed if I don't try to change everything at once.

Research HRT and different options, timelines, etc.

Talk to my therapist and social worker about transitioning.

Podcast about it!

Be patient with myself. It's ok to be scared and unsure, but I shouldn't back out of my commitment to my own happiness because of fear. Just, do the baby steps and accept nothing but acceptance.

Slowly and gently let my peers in on my journey. Invite them to accompany me on it, and if they don't want to do that, ask them to respect my identity/pronouns/etc. anyway. The people who can't act respectfully towards things they don't understand/disagree with are not the people I want in my life.

#self care #transitioning #i just came out so what now?#plans #this is my journey

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genderpunktheo · 5 years

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Hey! I'm really not trying to, like, start drama or anyhting but i really want an actual trans persons oppinion on somehting: I think you do need dysphoria to be trans, but i also think that peoples definition of dysphoria is wrong, which is why people say you dont. because medically dysphoria basically means that how (you feel that) someone views your body is different to what you actually are. and for trans people, thats basically that people see you as a gender that youre not (1/2)

And I think that thats a necessity to be trans? Like, you arent the gender you were assigned. But I think the disconnect comes because people claim dysphoria means hating your body which, it can, but it doesnt always? idk. i just wanted to get a trans persons opinion on this because obviously, i could be missing something.

Hi nonnie! Sorry in advance, this is gonna get really long cause I have a lot of Thoughts™ but hopefully, this helps!

So I don’t think that you need gender dysphoria to be trans and I have several reasons and sources for that but I’m glad you asked about it and did it in such a polite way! Props to you for reaching out honestly.

First up, I do agree with you that some of this disagreement on whether you do or don’t need it, comes down to people using different definitions. Some folks who think you do need to have dysphoria are defining it only as a disconnect from your assigned gender (this can be called “gender incongruence” and even more confusingly, sometimes the two are used interchangeably).

Whereas dysphoria is better described as the distress caused by that disconnect - but not everyone has that. Some trans people only feel the disconnect, some feel dysphoria, some feel euphoria or some combination of those (think of those respectively as “kind of meh” “this sucks” and “yay” if that helps you visualise it).

The majority of trans people have dysphoria about their assigned gender and then may or may not have euphoria about their true gender.

Most people who don’t have dysphoria have meh feelings about their assigned gender and very positive feelings about their real gender, which is still more than enough to make people want to transition either socially or medically if that will bring them more euphoria.

So why then do I follow the definition of gender dysphoria as the distress rather than the disconnect, and why do I believe only some trans people have it?

Well, part of that is that I am a firmly inclusive person in my personal politics anyway so if someone says they’re trans but have a different experience than me, I’m still going to believe them, even if I don’t understand their experiences. You could consider that a bias of mine I guess?? But I’ve found that in general human beings are so complicated and diverse, it’s best to just listen to someone if they tell you they’re feeling a thing. They know themselves best.

But I can also back that up with a whole bunch of gender dysphoria definitions. The NHS, DSM-5, American Psychiatric Association and more all agree that not every trans person experiences this distress but that the distress is required for a gender dysphoria diagnosis.

I’ll use the NHS as the example here since I’m most familiar with that (National Health Service, here in the UK for anyone who doesn’t know).

Notably, they don’t have a set of criteria for assessing whether you are trans, only for assessing whether you have dysphoria - because being trans does not require a diagnosis for anything, including a gender dysphoria diagnosis.

Here they explain that dysphoria is specifically the distress, not just the disconnect and that it can be caused by the disconnect (gender incongruence) but is not the same as that.

They then go on to explain the difference between sex and gender and that for most people they match but for some they don’t, and then they say

“This mismatch… can lead to… gender dysphoria.”

Not “does lead to” or “always leads to.” Can. As in sometimes.

Next, there are the diagnostic criteria:

As you can see, the “mismatch” (disconnect) or gender incongruence can be a sign of gender dysphoria but is not in itself dysphoria. The strong desire then refers to bodily dysphoria.

So… does everyone experience dysphoria the same and is it even policeable, to begin with?

What you’re talking about (how people view you rather than distress with the physical body) is a type of dysphoria called social dysphoria. And that’s super important to mention too - there are different types of dysphoria and people can experience them in different ways. The mainstream narrative is, as you say, that they hate their body and want every surgery possible.

And that is the case for some people. It’s probably the easiest to understand for a cis person, so it’s the most common version to hear. But a lot of trans people don’t experience bodily dysphoria that intensely or if they do they only experience it about some things (e.g. they may have chest dysphoria but no bottom dysphoria).

It’s super harmful for us to act like there’s only way to experience this and if you don’t hate everything about your body then you’re not trans. It leaves people feeling alone and broken for so long because they have these feelings but don’t believe they can be trans.

I myself took longer than I needed to work it out, because while I have dysphoria about my chest, hips, and periods, I don’t have any bottom dysphoria. Totally cool with that area. But dysphoria doesn’t have to work like that.

It’s also important to mention that this can often harm nonbinary trans folks especially. We can’t fit the typical narrative no matter how hard we try.

You can then have social dysphoria. So personally, a lot of my dysphoria about my chest is caused by the fact that I know people see that and immediately think “girl” thus misgendering me. It’s why I got my hair cut (side note: of course anyone of any gender can have long hair, it’s just associated more with girls and my social dysphoria does not like that).

And of course, we have euphoria which is the very positive feelings from things that are affirming to your true gender like having your name and pronouns used correctly. I think it’s super important to have more conversations about euphoria and how it can help us to realise what our gender is (I would never have settled on being nonbinary if I hadn’t tried out they/them pronouns with friends first). It’s often left out of conversations and I think that’s harmful.

It is also, of course, possible that some of the people who seem to be just feeling meh about it actually have a low amount of dysphoria, or dysphoria that doesn’t present typically and they don’t realise that. But I think that’s unlikely to be the case for everyone because again. humans are pretty varied and never fit well into neat little boxes.

Dysphoria is such a varied and personal experience, it’s not really something you can police anyway.

I’m also strongly against making any rules about having to have dysphoria to be trans, because inevitably when we do that, someone somewhere decides to appoint themselves the Trans Police™ and start hunting for “fakes” and “trenders.” Even if I did believe the idea that some people are trenders (I don’t! but hypothetically), this always ALWAYS comes back to bite those who do have dysphoria.

Someone will have dysphoria but it presents a little differently. Yeah, well now you��re a fake. Someone will be trans but gender non-conforming (a trans guy who wears make-up for example). Fake. Someone will have loads of social dysphoria but little bodily dysphoria. FAKE. And on it goes.

You even get people trying to make arguments like “if you’ve been through transition and your dysphoria stopped… you probably never had it to start with and are fake.” As if… that’s not the point of transition for a lot of folks??

The only way to stop that from happening is to just… stop gatekeeping*?

So yeah in conclusion /

TL;DR

Medical definitions of dysphoria see it as the distress not just the disconnect

Not everyone has that distress

Even those that do, experience it in lots of different ways, not all of them physical

Euphoria is totally a thing and we should talk about it way more

Policing never helps anyone anyway

We should listen to folks when they explain how they feel

*before some transmed uses their favourite line “I can’t gatekeep, I’m not a medical professional” I’m not talking about gatekeeping medical resources genius! I’m talking about gatekeeping socially, in community spaces because you can absolutely bully and exclude people from much needed social space.

#long post #sap gives advice #trans #dysphoria #dysphoria debate

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dyingunknown-blog · 5 years

Text

BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity, sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long.

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh.

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.”

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on.

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart:

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality.

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not? Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church???

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused.

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.) I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion. It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.”

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.”

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it.

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.) I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis: I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred.

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before.

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.)

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me.

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.

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