#but I’m very curious abt this topic

[mycotoxin]

#this sounds vaguely like one of those posts tryna shame ppl for liking meat lol #but I’m very curious abt this topic #meat #food #I have no idea if I worded this properly . wahhh

[heartshapedskittles]

mello wears a cross a lot so I am Curious on his stance on religion and what religion he connects to if any……I’m not religious myself but it’s just very neat thinking of him believing in a god considering you’d think he wouldn’t based on how he is (until he realizes shinigami are real and kira kills with what’s basically a god of deaths diary but like. I mean before he finds this out). He was literally raised to be the potential successor for the worlds greatest detective it’s instinct for him to question everything and dig deeper into things and because of that I think him being religious and the topic of religion regarding him is incredibly fascinating

#skittles.txt #r:mello #religion mention #it is a topic I get iffy about bc of my experience with it but !!! I think talking to mello about religion would be VERY fascinating #bc he’s so inquisitive he probably has a VERY unique view on it and I’m curious about what it may be #because like. he does NOT seem like the type to believe in a god at least before he finds out abt shinigami being real #I’m probably reading WAAAAAY too much into him wearing a cross but . idk the thought of him being religious seems incredibly vulnerable #like. with his inferiority complex and needing to be number 1 and how overprotective he is of himself. #I feel like religion to him is a way to be comfortably vulnerable #IM DEFINITELY READING WAAAAY TOO MUCH INTO THIS BUT LIKE. idk. I love the thought of mello being religious #bc again I personally am not but . Idk it’s just smth I find really neat about him #I DONT EVEN THINK HE WAS CONFIRMED RELIGIOUS IM REACHING SO MUCH BUT. whatever he’s my gayboy I’m allowed to reach if I WANT

[chokchokk]

Can I request a San x Female Reader where It's her first time having sex and first time having an orgasmn. So San makes her squirt over and over before fuckin her. But at the end she notices blood and freaks out so he comforts her? Very smutty and fluffy please?

-AA

Im too embarrassed

dearest AA, “very smutty”, “very fluffy” and “too embarrassed” don’t co-exist in my universe, so i hope with this fic i could get some of your shame (?) away, babes <33 indulge in your desires and don’t hesitate to revisit me anytime !!! thank you for being my first requester xoxo

ʟᴇᴛ ɪᴛ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ ᴛʀᴜᴇ! | choi san x fem!reader

“Don't go around calling me baby right now, or I'll turn like the San in your dream.”

𝚜𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜 : Your boyfriend is a wet dream, but this only goes so far, when your real dream leaves you confused and most importantly, curious. San is more than happy to help.

“How does an orgasm feel like, Sannie?”

𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎 : fluff (slice of life-ish), smut

𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 : 10k

𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜 : 1st time, sex with communication, first orgasm, foreplay, explicit consent, fingering, squirting, protected (!) penetrative sex, bleeding, after-care; san is a great boyfriend, san has a big dick, that is actually important to the plot, established relationship, living together, a lot of sweet pet-names, teasing, domestic humour

𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛'𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎 : LMAO i’ll be honest i got carried away with the build-up (pls know this abt me; i’m a WHORE for build-up (sorry not sorry)) but if you want to jump to the spicy part immediately, go find the second border, the smut will start there!! enjoy in any way you want !!! <33 feedback would be greatly appreciated xoxo

masterlist link | join my taglist

“Good night, Y/N. Dream of me~”, your boyfriend lulls, as you’re cuddled into his breast, San’s sturdy arm cushioning your body from below, stroking your head that’s under his. He just finished talking about his lucid dreaming recently, fascinated that he can remember more details now, but you interrupted his talking, when he iterated a fight to you where he got his nose bleeding. 

“I don’t have to dream of you when you’re the dream already, Sannie,” you whisper, and with a giggle, he kisses your forehead. San has warned you about calling him ‘dream boyfriend’ multiple times, since he’s aways got, quote, “things to improve on”, but since it’s not dream husband yet, you’re left with no other description. 

“Ohh, sugarplum,” he coos and and pushes your face deeper into the crook of his neck, “don’t say that.”

San is a special case in every which way; in the way he’s this buff guy with guns for arms that he uses to keep you warm when you sleep — in the way San is has the energy of a bull that he stashes away to sing his girlfriend a lullaby — in the way that the Choi San who has dated so many women in his past and hooked up with them (with no ill feelings in the present, of course) has settled down with you, Y/N, a woman with no prior experience other than the media she has consumed.

So you keep telling it yourself in secret. San is, and will forever be, a dream boyfriend. He’s as good to you as you are seemingly to him, but course the topic of sex, at least the lack thereof, crosses you two’s conversations from time to time. 

It’s not like you had tried to save yourself for something, really not. It just… didn’t sound appealing to you, ever. You’ve shared to San that you don’t even masturbate that often, since you’ve never been able to get a satisfactory end— an orgasm— out of it. And while other men would laugh about such a thing, San has shown you nothing but understanding and support.

When you feel sorry for not being able to meet his sexual needs, he tells you he’s happy enough that you feel comfortable to share your discomforts with you. There is not one cell of his body that would mutate and judge you, San is fully devoted to your well-being.

What you forget sometimes is that while San is your first boyfriend, it’s your first time being a girlfriend, too. So being sorry for San is one thing, but wanting to love San more is another. At least you realised that this morning, when you woke up from your first ever wet dream.

You have been able to just ‘shake it off’ during the day and not think about it, but after San, being your soulmate he is, came up with the topic of “lucid dreaming”, and you could barely listen to his wild stories because of how distracted you were.

Maybe that’s why San thought you were tired and cuddled you to slumber so soon. Him cuddling you and getting your head under his chin is you two’s usual sleeping position, but well, huh… You’re not tired, not at all.

“I mean it,” you choke out, San humming, touched by your compliment, but of course he doesn’t know that by saying he’s a dream,you’re also referencing to how his hands were touching your private areas all around, his mouth in places that it’s never been in before in real life. ‘Tastes so good…’

“I love you so much, Y/N,” San exhales delightfully, fed by your fuzzy feelings, still caressing your head with gentle fingers, “but you know that I want you to hold me accountable.”

“Saaannie,” you murmur, your breath turning into a hot patch on his shirt, “just take it as it is.”

San notices your slightly agitated tone and chuckles, kissing your forehead again. “Y/N, my sugar-pie, what’s bothering you?” There has been no doubt in you that San wouldn’t catch on that you’re being weird, and though you’re really glad he did, it, for some reason, doesn’t make the topic any more easier. 

“It’s—“, you begin to stammer, and with your struggle comes San’s immediate help. He shuffles back a little bit so he can take an analytical look at you, all blushed and worked up over a dream you can’t even remember the half of. San’s eyes are droopy, and while right now, it’s because he’s tired, in your dream, it was because he wanted to ‘eat you up…’

“It’s too embarrassing to explain.”

San gets the arm away from below and leans his head against his hand, propping himself up. “Embarrassing?”, he asks and pouts with a slight smile, his dimples digging deep into his cheeks. “Is it an embarrassing matter or just you who’s soooo easy to embarrass, huh?”, San grins and taps your nose one time with his finger to loosen you up, looking you straight in the eyes to give you all his attention. He’s showing to you that you, dearest, could never be embarrassing to him. Everything you do, he’ll take serious and anything you say, San will listen to it, as he’s shown you over and over again, reaffirming it to you every day and night. 

‘I’m going to show you my love, all of it.’

San sees you licking your lips and putting your words together in your overwhelmed brain. You’re not nervous of how San will react, that is for sure, it’s just that… Where do you start? ‘Hey, boyfriend, I think I want to have sex with you?’ That does get the message across, but the words have to leave your mouth first. 

It’s hard. You don’t think you’ve ever said the word, ‘sex’ in the context of… actually having it, let alone desiring it. San watches you spiral— starting to inhale, but then losing your words— and strokes over your head, humming “Just start with the basic outline—“

“I had sex with you in my dream.”

San stops stroking your head for a hot second and you two are just looking into each other’s eyes. San notices now how red you have become, how flushed you look, what a cute girlfriend you are for being embarrassed about this and shit, how lucky he is that you’re his and not anybody else’s girlfriend who you are so adorable playing with your hair right after you just dropped the “s-bomb” on him.

You don’t know what’s worse: Him, waiting for you to continue your talking before he can react to your … attention-grabbing introductory sentence, or you, not having anything to follow up. He probably expects you to tell your dream, but— but not in front of San himself, no! You’re quiet and continue to be, until he takes it upon himself to break the silence.

“… Did you wake up?”

Huh?

“What? Of course I woke up, I’m here now.”

“No, sweetie,” San wheezes softly, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, while you finally let your eyes stray away (his gaze is unbearable), “I’m asking whether you got to see the end of it.”

“The—“, you parrot him, and while you do San smiles sheepishly, apparently finding you so endearing while you are in mutilation, a foreign warmth growing in your stomach, “— end?”

“I just don’t want to scare you, Y/N,” San hums and twirls your hair around on his finger. “This is me asking where your head is in this situation.”

You blink and San pushes his lips out to indicate that he’s waiting for an answer, or at least something to give him to know if you’re in need of consolation or advice. “Uhm,” you inhale, “I… saw almost everything, I guess.”

His reaction could mean a lot. The dimple in his cheek getting deeper, his nose crunch, him sucking in his lip — it could mean a lot, but also so little.

“Almost everything,” San re-confirms, you know that this description is still very vague. 

Gathering your shards of confidence, you murmur, “I mean… We saw each other naked often, so I think that’s why my brain could— do that, but when it came to that, it… You know. It surprised me.”

“That,” San repeats and by now, he definitely understands the superficial parts of your dream, but you have yet to drop any details. Was the dream a good one? Or well, was he good?

As expected, he wouldn’t dare to ask you that right now, looking at how you’re stammering awkwardly. You can still read it in his eyes though; his curiosity is asking you whether your dream has changed your attitude about sex, let it be for the better or worse. 

You know San is going to show understanding regardless, right?

Yes, absolutely right.

“Y/N, sugar, we can talk about this tomorrow or any other day you like. I’ll keep it in mind, if that’s what you want.” 

Maybe you should say something before San thinks the dream has made you negatively speechless. Well, it did make you speechless the whole day, but now, you’re almost bursting with the things you want to say, like they’re brewing inside you but not getting flavourful yet.

“No, Sannie,” you whine and put your hand on your eyes to hide yourself from his way-too sincere eyes. This isn’t how people do it in the movies or in the books. They usually just… get it on, no? Like they eat each other up, like it’s a necessity for survival, like eating to meet hunger, like quenching your thirst. You don’t know if this is a feeling like that. Whether the uncomfortable warmth inside you is truly the embarrassment but rather the reaction of your memories. ‘Let yourself be all over me.’

“Yes, sweetie,” San croons, removing his hand from your head to leave you by yourself even more, your palms resting on your eye sockets.

You love him. You’ve never doubted this, and you’re not doubting it now. From the moment he confessed his love to you, you having to get used to the idea of being in a relationship to now, almost a year later. You’ve mentioned it to him haphazardly already, but you’ve done everything except have sex. It had been San’s idea to ease you into the twosome-ness of it all; ‘let’s be each other’s person’. He said that in your dream, too, and finally you understood it.

You remember your long-lived confusion before today too well. San was your person as you were his, him with his own set of needs and expectations, you with your own — but weren’t they contradictory? San needed the sex, didn’t he? Like… sexual needs? 

No, “sex isn’t a need”, San explained to you back then, “it’s a way!“

You tried to bring up the whole concept of orgasming being healthy to him, but he continued with “to me,” and you are reciting these words in your head as you try to think of something good to say, “sex is just one of many ways to love you, Y/N.”

So, truth be told, despite having a virgin girlfriend, he orgasms a healthy amount still. Sometimes San does it while you’re sleeping next to him, sometimes he feels like he can’t resist to look at your peaceful, tranquil, breathtaking face and does it in the bathroom, but essentially, he is not having sex, just getting rid of his ‘bodily mishaps’.

While you thought of sex as this strange way to get rid of stress, San thought of it as something way more, but he wouldn’t try to convince you of it, if you didn’t give him your “okay” to talk about it at all.

But here you are. Okay. You’re finally ready. Or maybe you’re not, but you’re ready to try, try with San, try San. He’ll be your person, get to know where you like to be touched, get to know where your sweet spots are and you will hopefully do just the same— touch, no, lick, no, touch, lick and suck everywhere he wants, pour your yourself over him. You’ve wanted to find out how to do that since you’ve dreamt of it since last night, processing the brain-sensation it has left you with for the whole day.

“Do you think you want to tell me about your dream first?“ 

“Can you kiss me?”

“H- huh?”

You get your hands from your eyes and your vision is too blurry to precisely get the picture of his rather shaken expression in. San thinks you’re bold. Mostly because that’s what you are right now. Bold. Still embarrassed, but encouraged and desperate. “Can you kiss me?”, you ask again before you fall into another pile of self-embarrassment. 

“I can, but I don’t know how it’s going to help—“

You pull his face closer to yours with both of your hands and San is the one who slightly turns red now. “Y/N,” he pants, and you have to suppress a cheeky smile, when you push his cheeks together to form a duck-face. 

Until you notice he’s not being sulky with the way he’s trying to push you away.

It takes you a while, how would you know that it was so easy to get men erected? Okay, you’ve seen San get a boner in the most uncomfortable situations several occasions, but usually they weren’t because of a direct cause. 

If he had worn a baggier set of pants, you probably wouldn’t have seen it, but it’s only his shorts today, and the whole outline of it is almost jumping into your face, you couldn’t have not seen it. Not remarking it also wouldn’t have helped the situation. Your situation. ‘I won’t stop, I won’t stop fucking you all night.’

“Is that why you don’t wanna kiss me, Sannie?”, you murmur and flutter with your eye-lids, once your realise you’ve been staring for too long down there.

In contrast the voyeuristic scene, it strangely does not become one of those erotic moments; with San’s whiny chuckle, it actually becomes kind of … bonny. Him getting a hard-on, when his girlfriend is quite figuratively trying to open up with him, it becomes a small detail to poke fun at, one to laugh about it with an amiable awareness that you’re not mocking each other.

“I’m sorry— ignore this— I can ignore this,” San tells you and flops on his back, grabbing all of the blanket to roll around it and leaving you cold with less. “Hey!”, you pout and grab the seam of the blanket to get under it, but San gets ahold of your wrists to prevent you from cuddling to his side.

Maybe it’s because there’s nothing else occupying San’s mind and body right now, with you knowing it, or the way you can’t keep your hands off of him and he’s desperately trying to avoid your touch, it seems like a short game of cat-and-mouse.

“I don’t care that you’re hard, Sannie!”, you whine and search for his vicinity, but he wiggles away, forcing you to be a bit more assertive and wring with him.

“But I do!”, he exclaims, not really understanding the weight that your words hold. You just told him that you’re not appalled by his erection, that should be a big sign that you’re, uh, up for conversation, no? Why are you being like this? Maybe to keep up the tension? Because it’s fun? Fun playing around with San— to watch him try to use as little strength as possible, knowing that once he gets just the tiniest bit of muscle in, you’ll be overthrown?

“Sannie,” you make a sullen face, breathing out, at your third try to get your arms around him with San’s hands on your wrist, but when you get caught in the blanket with your leg that he keeps pulling, it’s over the second he yanks you to the side.

Yanking you to the side meaning pulling you by your whole body— you landing on his belly, arms awkwardly angled towards your torso, leaning into his face.

“You men”, you theatrically moan to tease him even more and San is fighting with all his inner voices right now. Most of them are just empty screams of ‘what is happening?!’, but also muscle memory persuading him to wrap his arms around your perfect waist and pin you down— he’s trying, that’s what he’s yearning to tell you by pushing his eyebrows down. “I’m sorry.”

“Ohh, Sannie,” you sigh, letting your head drop on top of his breast, crossing your fingers into San’s, while he manages his breathing.

“This is why I’m no dream man, Y/N,” San pouts, feeling guilty having used his power over you. 

“It’s natural, isn’t it?”, you answer — letting your hands fall to each side of San’s body, and you feel like one of those people that usually tell you the same thing when the fact that you’re a virgin slips off your tongue. ‘It’s natural, isn’t it? That couples have sex?’ It should be and it’s going to be, thank you.

“I’m sorry, it’s just… I was really not prepared for that,” San wheezes and he raises one of your intertwined hands to touch your fingers with his lips.

“What? The cuddling or the dream?”

“The cuddling, in the context of the dream,” he answers honestly and inhales your sleepy scent from your fingertips, feeling how comfortable you lay on top of him.

“It was a good dream,” you conclude.

This was what San was trying to find out. Good or bad. And to his luck, it was good. Very good. ‘Such a good girl… So good to me.’

“Y/N?”

You accidentally zoned out, re-imagining your reverie; San all over you, sweat dripping down from his skin onto yours, his pelvis pistoning into your raised legs. How had your brain come up with that? It felt so… real. “Sorry, I got lost there for a second. What did you say?”

“How was he, that San in your dream?”

“The San in my dream, he,” you chuckle, feeling your breathing accumulate to your boyfriend’s, “… did everything, but he wasn’t careful, no.”

“What?!”, San exclaims, and it seems like he’s offended by his alter-ego to dare such a thing— he lets go off your hands in the shock and grabs you by your shoulders. “Not careful?!”

“Hmm,” you try and calm him down, letting your hands glide onto his pillowy breasts, massaging your fingers into his flesh by circling them, “he was inside… But a bit… Too fast for my liking? I mean, I don’t know my liking… I was enjoying it in my dream, but— uhm, I don’t think I could handle so much right now?”

San hums, as in to show that he heard what you said, but it took him a second of you burying your hands inside his armpits to inhale, “wait, right now?”, and remove his hands from your shoulders.

“Sannie,” you murmur with closed eyes, the buzzing feeling inside your lower abdomen swaying you to something like slumber, but if you’re not mistaken— and you’re sure that you can’t be mistaken about your own thoughts— it’s not a slumber that can be cured by sleep, but rather something else, “I couldn’t think of anything else today.”

He’s silent. He’s still breathing— thank goodness— but even though you can hear his breath leave his mouth, it doesn’t seem like San is going to say something. Pushing your upper body up, you tilt your head down.

He’s silent, sweaty and breathing, breathing heavily, staring upwards at you with sunken eyes, unable to let any of his thoughts leave the safe space of his mouth, because if San did, he’d give himself trouble for it. Seeing you fix your gaze— eyelids droopy from having been smushed into his breast— seems to only be adding fuel to his loss of good sense, and San is praying in his head that you won’t lick your lips once more, because oh god, if you did, you are going to be in so much more trouble than he is.

“Baby?”, you ask, and you swear you’re not trying to provoke him, since you only call him baby in the most special occasions, but right now, it just slipped out of you because San is being a bit strange. 

Boyfriends don’t act like this, do they? Your boyfriend doesn’t; that, you can be sure about.

“Sorry,” you correct yourself, hopefully to get rid of some of his— well, what was it— anxiousness?— no, frustration?, “I didn’t mean to say ‘baby’. It just slipped out.”

“N- no, Y/N, it’s not your fault, it’s mine,” San whines. “This may sound really weird, but while I would rather die than hurt you, sugar-pie,” he murmurs, avoiding your heavy gaze on him, “I am… a man. And I don’t know how comfortable you are with me, but I am fully, undeniably erected, Y/N. Don’t go around calling me baby right now, or I’ll turn like the San in your dream.”

“How does an orgasm feel like, Sannie?”, you ask, purposefully innocent, but still in a way that makes it obviously suggestive, your tone dropping in an octave from its initial high-tone embarrassment. Where is your sudden confidence coming from? You don’t know, but- uh- well, you’re kinda over San here, both mentally and physically, it seems like. 

“It feels like…”, San sighs, both reminiscing his lifetime of orgasms and feeling pretty fucking awkward in general, to be explaining this to you, while his body is screaming for him to do anything but talking. 

“… It feels like being washed over by refreshing water on a hot summer day, after easing yourself into it with small splashes.” San is no poet and he sees this by how you’re flexing your face together, trying hard to understand.

“It feels like…,” he starts again, and you can swear you are feeling something twitch underneath you, and it’s probably his hard erection. “… Orgasm feel like, wow… How do they feel like, they— Uh…”

Somewhere between his words, San is looking at the ceiling, letting his eyes wander around everywhere your body isn’t laying dangerously close to his throbbing genital, but having to tell you how orgasms feel like is just the end of his senses. Now it’s not only his body urging him on, his girlfriend is trying to find out how they feel like without having experienced one, ever.

“… They are worth it.”

He’s trying to be a good boyfriend, but up until now, he’s been used to being the boyfriend of a virgin girlfriend who didn’t want sex at the moment. And that was the end of it. Definitely more than manageable, more doable than … this.

“Do you think I can enjoy them too?”, you question, revealing to him the true nature of your curiosity.

You’ve confirmed the pulsation between your legs seconds ago, when San let out a whine from his mouth, that was definitely not intended to sound as sexual as it did. You’re a virgin, not dumb, you know what’s seductive, sultry and arousing. Oh, you’re aroused, alright, maybe for the first time in your life— and your boyfriend is, too, so if this puzzle isn’t going to be put together this night, there must be something wrong in the air.

“I can’t speak for you, sugarplum. It was your dream, Y/N.”

“I don’t know how we started, but we were here, on our bed, naked, and you were… thrusting into me with this… almost scary vigour, it was— It was rough. And that one, I didn’t enjoy. You looked mean, Sannie.”

“I’m sorry,” San pouts and he looks downwards to show how sorry he is, but also to focus on your words only. If he sees your sweet face describing those things one more time, then he’ll have to disappear into the toilet soon. “I would never treat you like that.”

You blink a couple of times and lick your lips. “How would you treat me?”

“I would,” San mutters, finally meeting your eyes again, while he slowly, but surely begins to prop himself up by angling his arms, getting to your face-level. “I would treat you with care, reverence—with tenderness; I would get every inch of your skin to understand how it feels to be seen and loved, I would—“, he pants, he’s unable to breathe through his nose, and he just keeps on talking, he…

“YN, I— I would do everything to get to make your body flourish with my love, to make your heart grow with all I have, I want to—“

He goes silent.

Yes, San is a man. But it’s strange to you how he blames being a man for his weakness, but if there is a strong suit that your boyfriend has over you, it’s not being so strong that he can pull you down in a second— it’s having the mind of a lover, and a lover who promises to protect everyone he loves with his strength, and not because he’s getting his own satisfying release out of it.

A man and a lover; San is also your boyfriend, who knows what to tell you to make you grow weak. Let’s say he doesn’t do it a lot for reasons that include wanting to protect you, but as you are on top of him, listening to his words from beneath you, his words melt like fizzled honey on your tummy, crumbling with them. 

“I want you, Y/N. And that’s my selfish dream.”

Being pulled down by gravity as San’s upper body rises, down to his crotch, you let him work his silent ways. He pushes himself up the last inch that it takes to be under your face, and his skin radiates heat onto yours.

There is not even a centimetre separating you two and San finally finds his words. “Please”, he begs, his voice above a whisper, “let me be your dream, Y/N.”

“I thought we already went through that,” you chuckle, getting your arms on each of San’s shoulders now, “baby.”

You can see he’s enjoying this a little too much, the way San is thoroughly covering every inch of your skin with butterfly kisses, as he has you laying on your back, letting you rub your hands over his torso to get used to the ‘intimacy’-part of it all. 

Getting naked was an easy process, being exposed to the very last skin on the other hand, not. You’ve never been naked in front of him for this specific occasion, and since he knows, San doesn’t dare to rush you into more touching than needed, allowing your underwear to wrap around your privates until he’s finished giving you goosebumps all over the body. 

With his soft lips, San kisses your shoulders and collarbones, whispering words of comfort into them, while you try your best to not make any lewd sounds. You didn’t know they came naturally, you had thought it was acting but — oh, goodness — no. 

“Sugar,” San sputters— rearranging himself over you, one knee between your legs, the other over your leg, “let ‘em out. Let the sounds out.”

You gulp, as he glides his hand across your stomach to your lower abdomen, slightly scratching the seam of your panties, and San has placed his lips at your jawline, his voice vibrating in your ear, peppering kisses around the corner of your neck, entrancing you to fall deeper into your mattress, sighing in the calming feeling of your boyfriend.

“Only because you wanna hear me,” you murmur and wrap your arms around his upper body, running your hands across his back muscles that ease into your touch. “And that’s a bad thing, because…?”, San hums and begins to get lower with his kisses and his thumbs caressing where your pantyliner meets your thighs, warming up the small patch of skin there.

“Hmm,” you breathe out, San’s lips working their way down your cleavage, “Good… point.”

San smirks and brings his hands up, not letting a second pass where he is not feeling you under his fingertips. “There is nothing more that I want to hear,” he murmurs, his eyes appearing to become a bit foggy from your scent, San becoming absolutely lost in it, “except you, my love.”

Your breath comes out stuttered and stroke his bangs away to the side in order to have a better view on his face above your breast. He’s radiant, but as much as he’s excited to be doing this, San will stop as soon anything leaves your mouth asking him to, he promised you. In your dream, San just kept going. That’s why you didn’t want to retell the story. He forced you around, he thrusted into you with no choice, and he wouldn’t stop, until your dream cut off without you having orgasmed once throughout the thing.

So the dream itself didn’t get you to want this, and San knows this, the curiosity did. Curiosity of reaching the edge that you missed in your sleep, which you think you can only reach with the real San, with your real boyfriend.

“Can I touch you here, sugar?”, San asks, his upper body hovering over your torso, lips approaching your face, hands gliding up by your waist to meet your ribs. He’s done a good job not staring at your exposed nipples, but following the way from your jawline, neck, and collarbones, this is the next area to appreciate.

“Yes, please,” you answer, cupping your boyfriend’s cheek with one hand, inviting him to kiss you softly. San encloses your breast with a hand that has up to no muscle tension in it, kindly allowing it to get used to the new, but warm contact.

His rosy lips meet yours and he presses several kisses on them, reminding you of how much familiarity you’re dealing with right now. You kiss San all of the time, for all the reasons you love him, and as he kisses you right now, at this sleepy midnight, he’s showing you why sexual intercourse is just a fancy term to describe something so complex, that it actually becomes simple. He loves you. That’s all he has to do to have or not have sex with you.

With his palm, San brushes over your nipple, and by wonder, it hardens and makes goosebumps run over your back.

“You look so beautiful,” San lulls, smooching your lips one more time before he can finally take a look at your breasts and gulp, lick his lips, and ask you, “may I?”

“You may.”

The last kiss lingers delicately on your opened lips, as San breathes in your breast, kneading and softening it up. Automatically, you exhale and run your fingers through his uncombed hair. He sucks once and twirls his tongue around your hardened nipple, and with your very valuable feedback, his other hand draws a long line across your curvature.

“Sannie... Baby…”, you whine, the slow, but sensual licking sending you down a sensation of being tickled and being caressed at the same time.

“Yes, pie?”, San grins, proud that he’s making you feel this way, no, that it’s him that is making you feel this way for the first time in your life. With each of your sweet sounds, his pride and ego grows and his lips lap around your nipples razzingly. 

You tug at his hair and send him down deeper into your skin, slightly pushing him to get his head where you’ve found that you feel best, grabbing the fabric of the bedsheets under you with your other hand.

“It feels so good,” you whine, and San chuckles after seeing your grip, gliding his hand right between your ticklish fingers. 

“Yeah?”, he coos and presses another kiss onto your mouth, adoring the way your eyebrows twitch inside according to his voice. “I’ll make you feel even better…”

San caresses the area under your boob, whispers into your ear, “Will you let me?”, and you nod, words inside your head turning into hazy exhales out of your mouth.

“You won’t regret it,” San chuckles and crosses his fingers into the surface of your hand, using your own hand to slowly, but surely slide down your stomach. You kind of get the idea of what he’s trying to do, but not really the image.

“You think I won’t regret it?”, you ask him, a bit anxious, — it’s your first time, after all— your soft skin under both of your fingertips becoming one, as he leads the hand down. “I don’t know so,” San admits, comforting you by kissing your forehead, “so I’m going to make you believe it, first.”

“Hm?”

San pushes his upper body up with the hand that has been at your breast and glides it behind your back, so he can get between you and the mattress, his naked upper body pressed against your shoulder. He plants an uncountable number of kisses onto your neck, and assists you down to your panties, keeping his eyes on you to confirm you’re okay with all that he’s doing.

You’ve never touched yourself on this bed. The last time you did was somewhere in your gleeful high-school teens, long before you met San, and if you’re honest, you’d rather have him touch you, but when San kisses you on the lips and both of your hands slide under the seam of your underwear. The rough fabric of the lace scrapes San’s hand and you meet the hot slickness you’ve become inside.

“Would you look at that,” San purrs, voice wispy— his finger is the only one to glide against your wet labia and explore the untouched lips. It helps that your hand is down there too, and it feels like a rubber hand illusion, you touching yourself while San does it for you.

“Y/N,” San moans into your ear, stirred by the sensation that is you. “You feel so good, don’t you, sugar?”

You inhale sharply, when San’s finger strokes over your clitoris, and straight away, your boyfriend presses kisses onto your temple. “S- Sannie,” you whine and provoked by your sounds, his finger circles around your clit again. 

Sparks, tingles — you name it. With San kissing you all around the face to counteract the new stimulation, you can’t keep your legs straightened, folding your thighs around your and San’s arm with an overwhelmed sigh. “Sannie…”, you repeat yourself and look him in the eye.

“Aww, sugar,” San smiles and catches your forlorn gaze, flushed and drowned in his kisses. Your cheeks are burning red, but the same thing goes for San. Both of you are drunk in love, falling for each other deeper with every breath you take.

“Is this good?”, he asks and rubs your back with his thumb, the other finger teasing the slick entrance. “Y- yes,” you answer and San crunches his nose in admiration, slowly easing his finger around the tissue. 

“Can you touch yourself for me?”, is San’s second question and you gulp at the sincerity in your boyfriend’s voice. He’s talking two octaves deeper, raspy, lascivious; he’s promiscuous in all he is doing, let it be nibbling at your earlobe, rubbing your clit, caressing your spine with utmost libertine care— you have a feeling you’re developing another crush for your boyfriend.

“Y- yes,” you stutter, but a bit anxious about doing something wrong. It feels so right when San does it, but he’s the more experienced one in this— at least that’s what you think. He removes his hand from the surface of yours and lets you do the rubbing for a short moment, and you try to replicate what he did to you, flicking your finger over your clitoris.

“Doing it so well,” San comments and he raises your upper body with his arm, making you sit up, slithering down while smothering your lower abdomen with sloppy kisses.

“R- really?”, you ask, and San nods, while kissing the inner sides of your thighs, his eyes looking at you sideways. “Of course. It’s your body, Y/N. Your beautiful, gorgeous body.”

As San gutters, you feel something swaying on your clit, when your boyfriend smirks and looks directly at your pussy. He’s so handsome, San is making you nervous, and his eyes are drilling into you lustfully.

“You’re so beautiful everywhere, sugar, what have I done to deserve this?”, he pants, hooking himself from under your thigh, hands resting on your hip bone.

You don’t know what to answer and just flutter with your eyelashes, exhaling, when San sticks his tongue out and slides across your slickness it in one stroke, looking up at you to catch your whiny reaction. He deserves all of it, not because he was patient enough to wait for it, but because San is the one to make you feel this pretty in the first place.

“It’s probably really predictable I was going to say this, but I can’t not say it, ” San gutters, his dimple dug deep into his cheek— he’s smiling, licking his lips, “you taste amazingly sweet, my love.”

You press your lips together and feel like you have to push San into your arousal again by his hair, combing through it. “D- do it again,” you beg, and San’s heart flutters. Not letting you wait, he inhales through his nose and laps his mouth around your glistening cunt. You already knew he was good with his tongue for you have french-kissed him before, but— but this is another type of tongue-work. 

It’s slow, it’s sensual, but it still feels so exhilarating— how he’s sucking in your clitoris, laving over your muscled entrance that reacts to the movement of his tongue; it makes you breathe heavily and let out feathery moans.

“Feels so good,” you hush, and stroke his hair. San hums and at smiles with his eyes, getting one hand away from your leg to slowly run it towards your vagina.

“Are you really going to … make me cum?”, you ask, a bit plumply, both out of rush and nervousness. 

“I would like to, yes,” San answers, kissing you all around the pelvis bone. His lips have become plump and his nose is also painted rosy red from how he planted his face into you. “Will you allow me to?”

“Please be careful,” you appeal and San nods. “Yes, Y/N. I promise I will never do anything to you that will hurt you. Not like that stupid… dream-San you talked about.”

You chuckle and caress his jawline with your thumb, San leaning his head into your hand. “I know you would never do that, Sannie,” you say and prop yourself with an elbow. “Please make me cum.”

San wants to say something, but he bites his lip and suppresses it, crawling closer to your throbbing, heated pussy. “What is it, baby?”, you ask him, and this time, you deliberatelywant to tease him by calling him that, winking slyly at him.

Your boyfriend blinks in disbelief and lets out a light-hearted scoff, his breathing comes in and out stuttered. “Y/N,” San hums, putting a leg over his shoulder and you feel like more air is hitting your wetness, “you have no… idea… what those words are doing to me.”

Your boyfriend gulps, and as you peek at him innocently, having to get used to the new position, he looks amazed and set ablaze. Is this your ‘aroused face’? You, with your lips parted ever-so soppily, looking sultry and lovable— San is savouring this sight, oh, this sight, and saving it into his brain so it will never leave his mind, add it to the collection of his memories of you.

“Show me,” you whisper, a fire starting to enflame in you, demanding San to extinguish it.

“There’s nothing else in the world I’d rather do,” San hums and with that sentence, he’s at your cunt again, but more eager this time. The tongue flicks faster over your clitoris, his pants are getting breathier against your skin— San wants you, wants all of you, and before you know it, there’s a thumb rubbing at the entrance, notifying you that he is going to be penetrating soon.

“I’ll make you come over and over,” San breathes, and his eyes are filled with lust, hunger, desire, thirst— and you gasp at the sight of it alone, but his voice, his heart, his mind, is all painted and drowned in something purely innocent that is love. “Is that alright with you, sweetheart?”

He asks as if you stand a chance to resist him, but San seems to be doing this for the enjoyment that is pleasing you, and you’re more than happy to allow him to have his body all over yours for the sakes or it, because you love him so much. You’re already excited for when you know how to get your body all over his.

“That,” you exhale, feeling his thumb be replaced by his digit, the muscle of your entrance closing in on the finger tip, “is alright with me. I’m in, Mr. Choi, the deal’s settled.”

San chuckles at your light-hearted joke and you giggle as well, which allows his finger to glide into you slowly. Of course you’re tight, but you find it fascinating how your muscles ease around him and suck his finger in, the slickness squelching, as he licks over your slit.

“Looking forward to our cooperation,” he grins, lips pressed against your pussy and you can feel yourself slowly turning into mush. Your abdomen feels strangely ticklish, and there’s this pulling feeling that makes your body rock.

“… Ms. Choi.”

You scoff— San gave you his last name, how silly of him— but your amusement doesn’t hold on for too long, when San begins to move his finger around, angling it up and down.

“Mmhf,” you gutter and your legs close down on his head, the second leg finding its place on his other shoulder. “That—“, you try to gasp, but San being the quick learner he is, keeps stroking that one spot which got to this reaction in the first place.

“S- San!”, you whine; fuzzy, dizzy, light-heated, feeling like you’re going to shoot into space, to other worlds, and come right back to earth. In the meanwhile, your boyfriend’s tongue flicks even faster, head stuck between your thighs, his finger sliding in and out of you until you’re a whimpering mess.

“I’m here, baby,” he murmurs, finally looking up to you, wishing to meet your eyes again, but your head is rolling to the back, your upper body feels heavy and you slightly fall to the back, having to grab his hair to support yourself.

“I- I,” you stutter, feeling like there’s something that’s sizzling for explosion, and it seems San is feeling it too, in the way your pussy is tightening around his finger, and half-laughing out of glee about this discovery, San props himself up a little bit, your lower body raised from the mattress.

“Cum, sugar, cum,” he whispers, and as he adds a second finger that fills you up in a way that one finger couldn’t achieve, you fully suffocate him with your thighs, the thin string holding you away from release finally snapping. 

“Fuck!”, you moan, and at first, San is surprised about your cussing, but then his eyes grow big, when there is more fluid coming out of your vagina that hasn’t been there beforehand. Explosion, sweet release, what should you call it? An orgasm— that’s what this is, but no, you’re also squirting, lower body spasming as you do so, and San is trying to react quickly by slurping it all in, but it’s too much— your bed gets wet. He drives the two fingers in and out and makes you a mess, makes a mess, makes you messy, getting all your squirt out and inside his mouth.

“San— Sannie— Baby!”, you pant, overstimulated by his fingers and lips that will just not stop, and you fear you’re going to choke your boyfriend to death with your thighs, but the same tingle appears in your lower abdomen again, felt everywhere in your tightness.

“Come on, come on, come on,” San growls, short of breath, and by angling his fingers upwards your walls, you see stars again, throwing your head into the bed and you pull at his hair, harshly and roughly, gripping his scalp for dear life, when you’re shot into bliss again.

“Ooooh baby,” San howls wispily, repeating his motion, but less ecstatic this time in order to not make you pass out from pleasure, if that happens at all.

And as licks the remaining fluid of his lips, and gets you back down again, San doesn’t lose any of his excitement, hair ruffled by your grip, lips swollen from using them so much. “Can I do that again? Can I please do that again?”

“Wha— What about you?”, you ask, panting, knowing that the penis inside his pyjamas has been hard since almost an eternity, but it seems like San doesn’t care about that at all. He looks euphoric, he looks like he saw a god (a goddess, mind you) and San just shakes his head.

“Don’t think about me, I’m,” he admits, and what you don’t know is that he just came inside his pants, when San saw your stunning orgasm-face— and he definitely has to clean it up before it soaks through, “all cared for here.”

San shuffles away from your legs to your face and kisses your forehead, wiping a bit of sweat away. “I’m gonna get towels and you’re gonna make yourself ready for a second time, alright?”

“But—“

“Will there be a ‘but’?”, San asks, and he’s prepared to let all go and just take a shower, but you just scratch your neck. “Don’t you want to fuck … me?”

“Ohhh, don’t worry, sugar, I want and will,” San grins and you smile, feeling a bit light-headed because of your first orgasm. For this to be your first orgasm, while many of your friends had their first time without having orgasmed—… it’s a lot, to admit the least.

Not to say that you’re trying to compare with them and feel superior, but if this is what’s waiting for is worth, you’d spend all that time again. 

Again. And again, and—

“Again!”

You’re breathing heavily, skin slippy from your sweat — or, well, both of you are covered in body fluids, there are pearls of sweat dropping down on San, who, despite rubbing you clean with his hands, doesn’t even bother anymore to dry his wet arm anymore.

“Sannie,” you exhale, when San kisses your from behind, as you sit between his legs, “I- I th-think this is enough, I’m r-ready.”

“Hmmm?”, he hums, pressing his naked upper body at your back, his two fingers coming out of you for the nth time. Your hips have been spasming around for a long while now, and you feel sensitive and over-stimulated at your clitoris, but if there is one thing you’re still curious about after all those orgasms, it’s how San feels inside you not with his fingers but his girth.

“I want your dick inside,” you command directly, too sex-drunk to express your wish in any other way.

“Are you sure?”, San asks and kisses the nape of your neck. “We can do it any other time, sugar-pie, aren’t you tired by now?”

“Are you?”

“Of course not.”

You turn your head around and slightly pant, seeing San not lose any of his desirous colour in his eyes. “Then let’s not lose any time.”

San presses a deep kiss on your temple before he leaves your back, and you feel the warmth of his lips sit there, as he positions himself at the front, on his knees. He still has his boxer-shorts on, but that only goes so far, when he’s been leaking with pre-cum, never-mind has come in the same set an hour ago.

You can see it perfectly— San’s length, his girth, the way it moves by itself under the fabric; it looks captivating as much as it is arousing you again after all the times you’ve orgasmed this evening. 

“Do you want to touch me?”, San asks, and trails his own hand over his breast, giving you an idea of what you can do to pleasure him. 

“Yes, baby,” you answer and get on your knees as well, grabbing San by the hips and caressing the seam of his shorts with your thumbs. In the meanwhile, your lips seek for his vicinity and you place kisses on his neck. “I’d love to.”

“I love you so much,” San sighs and holds you by your head tenderly with both hands, cupping the circular form, feeling you get a taste of his sweaty skin at his neck. His Adam’s apple bops, when you slightly pull his boxers down and there’s resistance from his erection.

“You have a big dick, right?”, you ask, and San coughs— he was expecting you to say ‘I love you’ back first.

“U- uh,” he stammers, “yeah. It’s- uhm. I hope it’s not too big, Y/N.”

“Can it be too big?”

You ask him with genuine curiosity and San scratches the back of his head. “I was preparing you thoroughly for it, honey, that’s all… I can say.”

He harrumphes in the awkward conversation, and before he can get shy from your stare, you chuckle and kiss him, “I love you too, Sannie. I couldn’t imagine doing this with any other person.”

Your boyfriend slides his hand to your jaw and pulls up your head to kiss you, mumbling, “only do this with me, Y/N,” into your lips.

As his lips work against yours, you slide down your hands into his boxer-shorts and use your wrists to spread the spandex, getting San’s underwear off. 

With your eyes closed, you hear San breathe in deeply through his nose and he rubs your back with both of his hands to push your naked body against his. 

His dick feels hot, wet and mild, when it presses against your abdomen, and you subconsciously grind your lower body to identify it better. It is big. The two fingers don’t even come close to what you’re working with here, and in the moment, it’s really good that you feel loosened up by the numerous times San made you come.

“Please touch me,” San instructs you and you nod, opening your eyes to see his glistening tip pointed towards you. Without waiting, you leniently wrap your hand around it and San parts your lips to pant.

“I don’t think I’ll hold on for long,” he whimpers, and his pelvis twitches, when you squeeze your hand around the soft, heated, slick muscle.

“Wait, Sannie… Do we have condoms?”, you ask and to your surprise, San opens up the cupboard. You loosely remember when San asked you if he should buy condoms at the beginning of your relationship, and you know that you answered with an ‘I don’t know’ back then.

A year later, it turns out San has bought a pack, but didn’t talk about it until the time was ripe. “Do you want to do it for me?”, he asks you, ripping apart the plastic wrapper with his finger and mouth. That this took a wet dream to realise is funny to you, but as you’re in the moment, you can only gulp in anticipation.

You nod and continue to pump his length in your grasp, when you’re handed the flimsy condom. Is that even going to fit around him?

“Yes, it is going to fit,” San giggles at your subconsciously asked question, and then kisses you, “did dream-San wear a condom?”

You place the center of the condom on the tip of penis and slowly glide down the lubed silicone by the ring.

“No, I don’t think so,” you murmur, though you couldn’t care any less about your dream right now. San hums and bucks up his hip into your hand, making the condom hit the end of his length.

It frankly looks quite comical, the way the white outlines your boyfriend’s dick, but before you can laugh, San delicately pushes you at your ass— other hand on the back of your head to not make you hit the bed-frame, with you landing on your back, legs angled towards the sky.

San tsk’s about his alter-ego’s wrong-doings and shakes his head. “I think your brain has a very twisted image of me.”

You chuckle at how sulky San is about it, though you can’t take any responsibility. You also don’t know how your brain cooked up the imagination of San ramming into you raw, especially when your biggest fear has been that things were going to hurt. (Now that you know they don’t, you’re good to go, you think.)

But the real San touches you softly, carefully, endearingly faintly, even if his dick looks intimidatingly big; you’re covering your mouth at the sight of it alone. 

“Come on, don’t be shy now,” San grins and flops his protected peen on your pussy, the girth of it weighing down on your sensitive bud.

“Sannie, baby, please be gentle,” you whine and San caresses your cheek, not finding your plead in any way offensive. 

“I will, sweetheart,” he whispers, and his voice sounds sweet, melts sweetly in your ears, but when his tip is there, at your entrance, you have to grab his hand at your cheek forcefully.

It’s a stretch. If you had known it would have come to this, you would have asked San to add a third, no, maybe even a fourth finger, but maybe he knew too, that even that wouldn’t have helped with a lot.

Not to say that it hurts, but to feel your muscle be extended as he just pushes in the tip, you’re already panting. San intertwines his fingers and leans forward, trying to calm you down. “Are you okay, baby?”, he asks, pouting. “I can stop.”

“N- no,” you stutter, though the bit of movement has had him slide in deeper and thus, your cunt be stretched further. “It’s okay. Just be slow. I can do it.”

“No, Y/N, you have to want it,” San sighs and you press your face against his hand. “I want it,” you murmur, glancing up at him. “I want you, Sannie.”

He smiles in awe of your droopy eyes and luscious lips reaffirming your love to him, and San inhales deeply. “I’ll move a bit more, okay?”

“Okay.”

Both of you inhale at the same time, but it’s San this time to moan it out. “Oh, god,” he whimpers, “feels so good, Y/N. Feels so fucking good.”

And this is where you close your eyes and let your boyfriend do his thing over you, because San’s sounds are candy to your ears. He’s doing it slowly, and heaven knows he can’t push it just entirely just yet, but the first third that San has inside you is enough to make you grip the sheets.

“Are you alright? Baby, is it too much? Can I do more?”, San whines, and you’re too weak-hearted for his arousal-sake, that you sigh sultrily and say, “Sannie, you know what to do.”

“No, no, baby, please don’t say things like that, I really won’t—“

He groans and pushes himself further in. You have to strain your forehead and pull in your eyebrows to work around the fact that you have never felt your cunt be stuffed in like this, and oh god, you feel so stuffed.

“Baby, please tell me when you want me to stop,” San begs you, concerned about your facial expression, kissing your cheek repeatedly. 

“This just feels unfamiliar, that’s all,” you whimper and San pulls out a little bit while you talk. “But you will tell me, right?”, he asks you, and gets a nod in return. You should be seeing black in front of you, given that you’ve closed your eyes, but after San pushes himself in again, there’s a piercing zap that makes you open your eyes wide.

“Sannie, wait—“

He immediately stops and both of you look at each other. San doesn’t move, anxious that anything will make you more anxious, when you grab him by his arms. 

And with one glance down, you see it.

Blood.

Not a lot, fortunately so, but still, bleeding from your privates outside your period is terrifying, and it makes all of your heat flee away— 

Blood!

There’s not a scream or a gasp leaving your mouth, rather just a short soundless inhale that indicates your surprise, when you close your eyes and cover them with the surface of your hands.

Blood?!

“Oh my god, sugar,” San exclaims silently, you don’t know if this is a first for him as well— and though both of you don’t panic as loudly as you could have, your boyfriend still looks mortified, eyes ripped open, mouth opened by a slit, when you remove your palms from your eyelids. “Did I hurt you? Did it hurt? Oh my god, Y/N, I’m so sorry, I—“

“No, Sannie, it didn’t hurt— It didn’t—“

Not panicking, but still both stammering and not aware of what to do with your hands. 

He pulls out and covers your private with the towel that he used to catch your fluid before, and San immediately claims a serious expression on his face, looking around to find something for you to hold onto. He finds you a pillow, puts it over your stomach, and you cuddle into it, trying to catch a breath. 

You didn’t lie. It didn’t hurt, it really didn’t. At least not even half the the amount of blood that is covering the towel, and you don’t think anything else (let it be more preparation or whatever) could have had helped you two in this situation. Is it just a matter of luck? Of your body? Well, maybe you’re out of luck and your body is going lax as well.

San is removing the condom from his dick and fetching his boxer-shorts again to fully call it quits, using approximately 4 seconds before he disappears in your arms again and smothers you with kisses.

“But— but Sannie…”, you whimper, feeling kind of guilty to be leaving him hanging like this after he’s done so much for you, but he silences you with his lips.

“Don’t you dare say sorry, sugar-pie,” San smiles and brushes over your hair, continuing to peck your face, as he hugs you from aside, and his warm skin soothes the goosebumps you got from seeing red on yourself. “As long you’re not hurting.”

“Do you want to take a shower or do you want to sleep?”, San asks you and you shiver a little bit once the adrenaline has worn down and all that provides you comfort is your boyfriend’s vicinity. “I don’t know, Sannie,” you murmur into his breast and a hand rubs your back. You’re still naked, but San covers you up with a blanket. “You don’t have to know, sugar,” San whispers and rests his chin on top of your head. “Just be here with me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I love you, Y/N.”

You nod into his embrace, feeling exhausted, worn out and tired, and you start to breathe heavily into his skin, San rubbing his thumb across your lower back to match the rhythm of your breathing, your heartbeat slowing down.

You’re safe.

You’re home.

You’re not dreaming, you’re with your boyfriend, Choi San, and even though nobody will know what kind of dreams will visit you, what nightmares will make you wake up in the middle of the night, you’re, well, in love.

Comfortable, soft, warm, at ease, serene — happy; this is what love feels like. A dream doesn’t come close to the unworried warmth love provides, to the warmth the real San provides, and while you doze off, you and San whisper affirmations into each other’s presence that you’ll,

“Dream of me, Y/N.”

#choi san x y/n #choi san x reader #choi san smut #choi san scenarios #choi san x you #ateez x reader #ateez smut #if you wanna see an epilogue pls request it because i find boyfie san so endearing #chokkiwa #chokko

[unknowinglydeceasedlol]

idk who needs to hear this but you *can* relate to someone’s struggles with a specific disorder without having said disorders

it’s honestly one of my biggest frustrations when you’re venting about a disorder you have or see people talking about it online and then you see people chime in “omg I didn’t think I had this but I relate to this so I have it!” and i don’t mean those people who have genuine concerns about having a specific disorder. (fyi, if you have genuine concerns regarding a specific disorder you may have, this isn’t about you!! it’s perfectly valid to stumble upon a disorder you didn’t know existed that explains your situation perfectly and have questions about it <3)

i’ll use this as an example but if someone is currently struggling through cancer and they vent to you about extreme exhaustion and fatigue, most people wouldn’t be like “omg I feel exhausted and fatigued too!! i must have cancer!” but would probably say something along the lines of “ive struggled through exhaustion and fatigue myself due to other reasons so i can understand what you’re going through and how you feel.” it’s okay to have questions about disorders and want to know more to maybe better situations you’re going through/ are in but just seeing one thing you relate to and claiming a whole disorder because of it can be very damaging to the people who have said disorders.

as someone with a cluster b personality disorder, there’s already so much stigma around them and that’s excluding all my other disorders/ problems. i’ve seen people who have no idea what BPD is, relate to a small portion of it, claim it as something they have with no research into it or professional advice, and then unknowingly play into stereotypes or spread more stigma about it. there’s so much more to a disorder than one or two things you see someone posting about. there’s also a lot of other things someone could have that also change how disorders present themselves in different people.

a person can have disorder A and vent about it but what you don’t know is that they also have disorder B, C, D, and E. although their main post is about disorder A, disorder C, D and E can also be big factors in it without you knowing. you might be relating more to the disorder C and E aspect of it over the “main” disorder A part of it than you really realize.

the purpose of me saying all this is not to be hateful, “gatekeep”, discourage people who genuinely have concerns, want to participate in genuine conversations about these topics, or for any other malicious reason. im just coming at this as a person to who’s genuinely really exhausted. it’s already so hard living with certain disorders and then you see people online who glorify, romanticize, or even fetishize certain disorders while cause harm to those people who genuinely suffer from it.

i stumbled upon someone’s post on a different platform and her whole shtick was “i have BPD but I’m uber normal abt it and not bat shit insane like literally everyone else who has it + having FPs is totally amazing and not super draining and exhausting” and it was honestly heartbreaking. her whole reasoning for having bpd was that she got obsessive over people she was in love with so therefore it was her FPs and got depressed if they didn’t spend time with her.

if you’re genuinely curious and have real concerns, please do your hardest to research it and/ or seek professional advice if possible. don’t put others who have the disorder down when they don’t meet or work with your agenda. thank you.

#actually ocd #actually bpd #actually autistic #actually mentally ill #actually delusional #actually adhd #actually bipolar #actually anxious #actually manic #mentally fucked #mentally unstable #mentally exhausted #bpd problems #bpd tag #bpd safe #bpd #bpd life #bpd things #bpd blog #bipolor #autism #adhd #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #bpd vent #vent #vent post #borderline pd #cluster b

[gothicwill]

Please make a post abt the marketing/promo of hannibal im geniuenly curious

Gladly. I will take any chance to bitch about this lol

ok so um. The Hannibal promo sucks. This is a well known and joked about a lot on here. The big reason that it’s bad is because the NBC execs wanted an American actor (they proposed Hugh grant) to play Hannibal, but Bryan fuller pushed hard for mads.

He finally succeeded in casting him, but at that point the network had lost faith in the show and didn’t expect it to do well anyway.

The lack of interference and expectation from nbc DID allow fuller to make the show much more campy and experimental though, so it’s not all horrible :)

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Promo is there to attract audiences to a show. It’s meant to vaguely capture its aesthetic, themes and give an idea of the plot.

So here what we got:

Nice grey void. I guess there’s animosity?? I couldn’t tell you anything about these two.

This one kinda captures the gothic-ness with the color scheme, but that’s it. They could’ve used body parts on that table or something. Someone on tiktok said that this would’ve worked better if it was set up like the last supper painting and I couldn’t agree more!

This is as good as it gets. The colors are nice. The eyes not being visible is mysterious. The handkerchief is a nice touch to people who know about Hannibal lecter from the movies and such. But the heart of this show is the relationship between Hannibal and will, and that’s never shown.

I’ve already mentioned in a previous post how much the logo sucks so I won’t get into it again lol.

Let’s contrast this with a show that I think has excellent promo: good omens

I can tell you at a glance what this show could maybe be about. The logo is in a fun and flamboyant font, which reflects the tone of the show (Plus angel and devil motifs!!). The opposing colors tell me that the angel and devil have different personalities. One is holding tea and the other wine. They live on earth. It’s perfect.

Sorry for the long ass post, I’m just very passionate about this 🫡. I only covered the season 1 promo because I think it’s the worst, but it’s similar with seasons 2 and 3.

#my favorite show deserved sm better #rant post #hannibal #nbc hannibal #will graham #hannibal lecter #hannigram #nbc hannigram #alana bloom #murder husbands #good omens #ineffable husbands

[aromanticautiesworld]

If you write poly, can you do poly finntress? Also I'm curious will moth experience bi panic via finntress?

oh yes absolutely i write poly please send me poly requests! not 2 ramble about mushrooms but this first part (there will be multiple parts) kinda takes place middle of season 5-ish (sorry flame princess was with finn earlier in the timeline so mushrooms isn’t right after their breakup) there wont be any bi panic from moth abt fintress BUT! definitely in later parts (i love huntress wizard so much). ANYWAYS request time !

////

poly fintress with a gender neutral reader

word count: 1098

You squirm your way through the underbrush of the forest, following the path of the boy with the bear hat.

You were more introverted and withdrawn around other people than Finn, so he would sometimes take you with him (often very much like this) to meet new cool people he knew. Not that you object to any of this, most of the people Finn knows are cool with you too—as long as they’re not some sort of shapeshifting monster or illusion trick. That’s also happened before, unfortunately. While terrifying in the moment, you two look back and laugh about it. But still, never again.

So here you are now, legs halfway dipped into a creek, its weak current tugging at your clothes (which you regret wearing. Why couldn’t you have worn your waterproof pants today. Or at LEAST shorts).

“This is the spot where we usually meets. Me and yous just gotta wait,”

“And you’re a hundred percent sure she’s not a demon? Or a cursed witch?”

“Yeah I am dude. Hero’s honor,”

You consider. “Arrite,” You punch him in the shoulder, “I’m trusting you on this one,”

You both hear a rustle of branches and leaves coming from the opposite side of the river, and who you think is some sort of cat-person at first, based on the eyes that appear out of the darkness, effortlessly pushes her way out of the woods.

“What’s up, dudes,” She puts her bow back in its sheath, a bow that seems to have been drawn ready to fire a few seconds ago. You’re a little concerned about that, but if anything it makes you want to get to know this stranger more (also the name ‘Huntress Wizard’ could’ve spelled it out for you, but you didn’t think she’d be hunting right then).

“Meh, nuthin’ much. You said you wanted someone who can sing for this spell, right?” He gestures over to you, “They can sing,”

“Hey,” You pipe up awkwardly from where you stand, both still sort-of behind Finn and halfway in the water. Small fish swim past your legs.

“Hey,” She makes her way over to you, now also halfway in the river and half soaked, seemingly inspecting you, “Yeah. Yeah, you’re what we’ve been looking for,”

Ah. Pretty. Girl. Close to you. You are, at this moment, very normal and very functional. Both of those things.

“Thanks? Um. I mean I’m..I’m down to help with anything you guys need,” Glob, you feel like a student trying to talk to the ‘cool kids’ in one of those old teen movies right now. What is happening…

“Thanks dude! Love it when my friends are friends,” Finn grins, missing teeth only adding to his charm.

You now found yourself singing for a spell to bring forth some ancient magical plant. You wouldn’t say you didn’t care about that, it was a very cool thing, but your mind was occupied by…other topics.

The two taller people in front of you play their flutes, somehow in tune with your voice. Magic spreads in the air, emanating from both their playing and you, along with a feeling similar to when the air pressure drops before a storm begins (but with a more comforting feeling than that of impending doom).

…

Wait, no. That was actually the air pressure dropping.

The sky flashes with lightning, breaking open and letting loose a torrent of rain.

“Shelter! Quick!” Huntress yells out.

You start to follow her, when you’re quickly brought off of your feet and out of the now-muddy ground, scooped up by Finn. The water that’s suddenly pouring down on the three of you in the clearing and the flashes accompanied by thunderclaps do nothing to snap you out of your shocked and flustered state, and your face burns.

You’re eventually put down, now in the safety of a nearby cave, and are still recovering.

“Sorry about that, haha…” Finn chuckles nervously, “I might have panicked a little,”

You say nothing for a second, still stunned, before zoning back in.

“No, I would’ve done the same thing…at least, I would if I was as strong as you are,”

Finn ruffles through his backpack, while Huntress casts a spell under her breath to light a pile of twigs you guys’d found ablaze.

Finn then dumps out the contents of his backpack (a copy of Ble, an old sandwich, an uncursed dagger, the head of a mini cyclops, an energy bar, miscellaneous pens, and many other items now strewn across the floor.

“Guys. I don’t have my emergency sleeping bags,”

You both look up, Huntress now finished starting the fire.

“Looks like we have to huddle. We can use my cape as a sleeping bag for now,”

“Well…wait. Who’s gonna be where?”

“What’chya mean?” Finn asks from where he gathers the contents of his bag back to where they came from.

“I mean who’s gonna be on the edge, who’s being in the middle…”

“Hmmm…It’s just for one night, so…What do you think, Huntress?”

“I think you should be in the middle,” She turns towards you as she talks.

Your brain is flooded with both giddy excitement, and slight embarrassment.

“Yeah, I’m good with that. What do you think?”

“Yes. Yes. Good. Cool. Very good,” You nod quickly, shooting them a thumbs up. Words aren’t working too great for you right now, it seems.

Huntress takes off her cape, her hair (leaves?) are very pretty, spreads it out—this thing is big—onto the floor of the cave, and rolls herself up into one side of it. Finn then drops down his bag (he’s managed to put everything back) And rolls into the cape on the other side. Your turn.

You snuggle in between the two, heart practically beating out of your chest, and unbeknownst to the two surrounding you, a large grin on your face.

You were the first to fall asleep, of course, and both Finn and Huntress reflected on today.

You’re cool. A cool person to add to their weird little relationship-hangout thing they have going on. Based on what Huntress has seen today (that you’d tried to hide, to no avail. You were way more obvious about your crush on her than Finn was), and on what Finn knows about you, you wouldn’t object if they asked. If you did they would back off of course, but he knows that’s not the case.

Drip, Drip, Drip…

Honestly, it was very peaceful in this cave. The sound of rain outside, your steady breathing, the warmth you all shared.

You guys should do this every night.

#adventure time mushrooms #< kinda #finn x reader #adventure time x reader #mariner talks #mariner writes #mariner asks #finn the human #moth #< again. only technically

[mockerycrow]

if you’re comfortable, could you dive more into your military family/background? like just lil facts or something, whatever you wanna share! i just love learning about stuff like this, learning about other peoples lives, especially because im a huge maladaptive daydreamer and into creative writing, n my current obsession is the military / SAS and im just curious about what things are actually like, from a personal perspective.

and if not that’s perfectly okay!! ❣️❣️

i cant say too much because the family members that have served, many of them have signed different kinds of NDAs (non-disclosure agreements, so i haven’t been told too much) but I can talk about some of my dad’s experience. My dad was in the Navy and he was a machinists mate nuclear. He worked on a submarine and worked on some things and witnessed some things he had to sign NDAs for. He managed to meet a couple of SEALs and had in depth conversations with them. My dad easily dehumanizes folks due to his time in the service, too. He was never special forces, but it’s very important even basic bootcamp teaches you to dehumanize folks. that’s the point of it!!

My dad’s dad was also navy, although i don’t remember his specific rate (rate = job, it’s the navy version of job/MOS or “military occupational specialty”) but i do remember it involved fighting, he was a ww2 if i remember right. My mom’s dad was air force, also a ww2 vet, he was a pilot of some sort, retired now. old bastard is somehow alive 😭 (my parents were born in the 60s).

a hard topic.. one of my babysitters (who is a family friend) is a veteran who went to afghanistan. (reminder im american). he didn’t come back the same and not all of him came back.. and he came back very.. violent if that makes sense?? he never hit me, his wife, or his kids, but he is very dehumanizing. he was some sort of special forces and this guy is messed up.

growing up, my dad wasn’t like.. strict, he wasn’t around too much, but you could tell the military changed his life. he always refers to the family as a team instead of individuals (the military does that to you, strips you of individualism and gives you the team mindset). he’s a great leader and he’s one of my role models as a human being in the real world. i grew up and got educated by him and the internet about the military, so i know quite a lot. if you have any specific questions about literally anything, i can try my best to answer!!!

i’m also going into the military and i’m open to questions abt that :-)

#crow answers #pls ask me more questions #i love talking about this

[gayhoediaz]

not any of my business AT ALL but noticed you said buck was too young for you at 6 years older and then I got curious....what is your type? (obvs feel free to ignore)

it’s absolutely your business my daddy issues is my favorite topic. just. imagine me tucking my feet up under myself 🥰

no read more link i'm making this everyone's business <3

(we're doing this mainly based off of looks just to make it easy. i'm also someone who values physical attraction greatly, so it makes sense to me. personally. i'll talk a little bit about just general personality and vibes at the end, though!)

get in losers, we're objectifying men! (with respect, and the acknowledgment that just like women, they are all real people, and have a lot more to offer, even the characters, they're played by real people. and i'm sure they're all wonderful people until i'm proven otherwise.)

okay. so.

i’m a pretty introspective person and i’ve actually been thinking about this lately because my taste is. relatively. unpredictable.

i did indeed say that buck would be too young for me at roughly 6 years older and i stand by that because here’s the thing: i feel like when people think of daddy issues in terms of age, they think of. people being interested in people who are. a little bit older. my personal daddy issues run so deep, i need them older. (we’re specifically talking about men. i like women too - but that’s neither here nor there and i have a good relationship with my mom, so that’s not what we’re talking abt rn.) i’m into men that like. if i told you they were my dad, you would not fucking blink.

and it’s not just the age. being an objectively attractive man roughly 20 years my senior? that’s not necessarily enough. we’re going off of celebrities and fictional characters right now cause it’s just an easy way to explain things but there are plenty of men who are very objectively attractive and are twenty years older than me, but who just. don’t look it. and i absolutely see why people thirst after them but they’re just. not for me. like. okay.

manny montana? very pretty. i love looking at him. and he is much older than me. and yet, not my type.

same with like. andy samberg. so. very. pretty. and roughly a couple decades older than me. my type? nope.

now - tony dalton?

yeah. yeah.

^^^ and it’s not just “lalo’s hot” no no no no no my ass is in the discord server at 3am losing it over pictures like this:

(^^^ he's not btw. not to me.)

when i tell y’all i’m hopeless i am HOPELESS

anyway moving onto someone else i’m feral about: billy burke but ONLY when he’s scruffy okay?

this? i mean i wouldn’t… not let hit, but

when i say im feral abt billy burke i’m talking about charlie swan and i’m talking abt this:

honorable mention i am also feral as fuck abt robert knepper

and now, i can hear you saying "oh nie, i get it, so you're not attracted to men who have like chronic boy face, i get it!!! you're into like. the jeffrey dean morgan, joe manganiello types!"

nope. i am not the slightest bit attracted to either of those men. like. *vanessa hudgens voice* i get it. i respect it.

not for me tho.

NOW. there is a little bit of a gray area when we talk about men who like... have chronic boy face and everything else about them is just... not that energy.

like. raul castillo for example.

(he looks a lot like a young version of my maternal grandpa, but that's just. something we're not gonna touch rn.) first of all? my immediate reaction is not "let me hit" my first reaction is very similar to manny montana in the sense that like. so. pretty.

but also? tummyyyyyyy so nvm let me hit yk what i mean?

(for some reason jon bernthal also goes in this category. they don't look anything alike but. same vibes to me in terms of how attracted i am, personally. where it's like. sure. yknow?)

i am also forever a mustache warrior, okay, shave off a mustache? doesn't usually necessarily ruin it for me, but grow one? it's better. immediately. actually, while oliver, just like buck, is too young to be my type, the only picture in existence where i am even the slightest bit attracted to oliver is the one from that photoshoot where the lighting accidentally made it look like he had one:

that's it. that's the only one.

(while we're on the topic of 9-1-1 cast: ryan also is too young for me, but i am very attracted to him when he has long hair. the second it's gone, he's just a silly little guy to me. i'm not really attracted to peter, although i wouldn't... say no. i'm here for kenny, though. absolutely. anytime.)

now so i feel less bad about objectifying every single man mentioned in this post, let's talk personalities (not specifically the ones mentioned, because i don't know them. this is just abt me and just general vibes that i'm drawn to) i need the vibe to be like. relaxed, which i think loops right back around to daddy issues, of course - it's not that i would be turned off if i'm with a man and he needs to cry on my shoulder 'cause something happened, that's fine - but generally there needs to be a feeling of just. not a lot of stress, not a lot of anxiety, things are handled, things will work out - you know. and usually, you tend to get that from people who are. a lot older. even people in their 30s don't usually have their shit together like that. (which is fine!!) but it's just so. just. easy to breathe when someone's like "eh, i'll fix it" (and yes, my love language is indeed acts of service)

as i put it in another post at some point: [billy burke in twilight] awakened the innermost parts of me that yearn to be railed by scruffy, mustached men old enough to be my father who look like they smell like a campfire and taste like tobacco and like i would tell them i wanted dick and they would nod once and say "yes ma'am"

the end <3

#nie's daddy issues #nie answers 💕

[kyxworld]

just a genuine question, i hope it doesn’t seem like i’m one of those people who are only here for desires and etc cuz i’m not.

how come that in the “original” AV (as in books, lectures given by gurus etc) it’s never talked about how we’re able to “seemingly change” the illusion or dream up something else, but in tumblr it’s basically the most frequent debate and everyone says it’s possible/that they’ve done it before? it seems that the main point of the gurus (when it comes to the illusion) is just accepting things for what they are (it doesn’t matter anyway ik) but it gives off the impression that we’re “““stuck””” with this illusion until we seemingly die… so i kinda feel conflicted with this

^^ koda answers it better than me.

but let me add my two cents, the “gurus” just wrote a book abt self/ “” and how everything is just a dream. nothing is real, except “ ”.

mind you they were old people as well, do you think they’d have a need of a diff experience even if they did, is that point of AV? what’s the bottom line, the only thing it talks about?

(also off topic my grandpa, was a philosophy prof, and the dean of the college as well. now this man, knows ND/AV. god knows what he did w the knowledge 💀 i mean he “died” before i was born. but i’ve the books he read. all i know is that he was very chill and laidback lmao.)

the ultimate point of this is to know self. and everything around you is an illusion. it’s that experiencing itself.

#asks! #non dualism

[dykenav]

hi there! very random, but i’ve been wondering whether or not i should register for the april trc webinar, and since i’ve seen your posts from the one in jan, i wanted to ask — would you recommend it/did you enjoy it? i think i would like it, i just dont know enough abt it and i’m terrified of spending that much (my country’s currency,,, the us dollar,,,, very far apart asgehhd) on smth only for it to be something different than to what i thought lol😭. i’m just kinda looking for smth w/ tidbits abt trc and some writing advice — was it like that for you, kind of?

Hey!! Thanks for asking, I know other people have been curious about it in the tags so maybe this will help. First off I wanna say that if you want something cheaper, she has a prerecorded 8-hour writing seminar available for $29 here, which is a steal bc I think it was like $80 when I bought it. I haven’t gone through the whole thing yet, but from what I have watched I can say its a very structured step-by-step guide to writing a novel, where she does give examples of her writing process from her own books, including trc. The main difference between that and the live webinar is that the live webinar is live, and it’s SOLELY trc-focused - meaning she still presents very structured topics for novel writing but uses only trc to illustrate her points. It’s definitely tailored to series-writing and young adult-writing. I would say you are also way more likely to get tidbits and behind the scenes insights into her trc writing process and early drafts - though because its live there’s a chance she may have said some things in the one I attended that she wouldn’t say in the other or vice versa. You also get to ask questions in the live one which makes the experience unique.

In other words, beyond the live aspect, I would say the pre-recorded seminar is for anyone who wants to write a novel and is maybe a fan of her books, whereas the live webinar is for people who are fans of trc and maybe want to write a novel. Does that make sense?

Let me know if you want to know anything else, but I hope this helps a little!

#trc #maggie stiefvater #mstief #the raven cycle #answers

[kudzucataclysm]

3, 5, & 12 for vincent, francis, and friday i am Very curious

thank YOOOOUUU

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

Francis in her own way always knew she was a girl…it really just didn’t “click” for her until she was around 5 or so? like she just hated everything about being called a boy or referred to by masculine pronouns and such, like it just straight up made her uncomfortable….and being a girl wasn’t as uncomfortable for her!! she’s got a lot of issues still with her identity (she’s def nb to some degree as well and she doesn’t even know what that is or how to breach the topic) cuz of. well we’ll get to that in a bit…

for Vincent? i’m not exactly sure when or how she herself figured it out but i for sure know that she started properly/socially transitioning after she ran away from home with Jack. they both def helped each other with like, discovering aspects abt themselves in terms of identity…and they were abt 12/13 when they both started having those types of conversations with each other

Friday is, unfortunately, still figuring it out LMAOOO and that’s a huge part of their character arc. they want to have long hair and dress feminine and all sorts of things “but NOT IN A FEMALE WAY NO DEF NOT CUZ!! THAT WOULD BE WEIRD RIGHT??? THATS WEIRD and also THURSDAY WOULD THINK THEYRE SOME KIND OF FREAK? AND WOULDNT LOVE THEM ANYMORE cuz LOOK HOW HE TREATED FRANCIS AND-“ yeah they’re. going through it.

5. How did you figure out your oc's identity?

Francis and Vince were always pretty masculine girls and i was like hrrrm. TRANS *stamps them* but Friday being trans/genderfluid was like a lightbulb moment going off? like i dunno, ive never seen that kind of struggle before in anything i’ve read! like that struggle with gender identity and discrimination while dealing with yur lame ass on and off bf and estranged adopted child. they became more of a character to me in that aspect cuz like that’s so…HUMAN?? in a way? so that ties nicely back into their story if any of that made sense

12. Does/did your oc ever wish they could change the way they are? Why? If it's in the past, how did they get over the feeling? (this can be about internalized homo/transphobia)

as mentioned before Francis does in fact have like, issues with her identity. yeah she’s a girl but “she’s not a PUSSY got it? she hates dresses, won’t do girly shit, she’s not a whiny BITCH, and she doesn’t think about BOYS or DOLLS alright?? FUCK OFF”. a lot of internalized misogyny, which unfortunately was influenced by Thursday and something she’s like, repressed is that she wishes she was comfortable with femininity. she in a way feels ‘rejected’ by femininity…and she hates it for that. “why can’t she be a REAL girl? why can’t she be comfortable in that way?” so masculinity is her shield, what she feels gives her power over others, and it’s a way that she more or less protects herself…it’s def a safety blanket for her of sorts

Vincent just wishes she didn’t have scarring left over from her heroin days so she can wear lighter/frillier clothing without being looked at funny. and maybe wishes her voice was a bit lighter

Friday wants LONG. HAIR. THEY WANT TO HAVE LONG HAIR WITHOUT BEING JUDGED FOR IT and wants to wear dresses. they also wish to talk to…SOMEONE?? about these feelings tbh, they don’t like thinking abt their gender stuff for too long or they get distressed. they def could’ve talked to Hammond abt this (he’s technically trans himself) but their relationship was straight up weird and Hammond also wasn’t a big communicator so ya know. ITS WHATEVER they’re fine everything is fine. NO ONE CAN KNOW ABOUT THIS-

but ya that’s them! the Issue GirlsTM-

#kudzu responds #oc talk #shattered earth

[phxntomsdusk]

okay so i just saw a reblogged post (i got notifications) from lilly and connor, and id like to address smth first

i know it is wrong for me as a minor to read smut, but i have a reason, it’s very stupid and a horrible excuse, but please hear me out

the person i was talking abt is ray, my cousin, and i had found out he wrote on tumblr. in private texts between me and him i had gotten his tumblr because i wanted to see his writing, i had never realized he was a fan of wilbur and was excited!

i didn’t realize he had wrote nsfw topics, and i had read them. i know this is horrible and a bad excuse, but i wanted to support my cousin because we both are into the same stuff

me and him had a private convo later after i told his mom about it, and we’ve established that he’s not comfortable with me reading that content, and i fully understand and won’t do that any further, it was this one time and the only time i’ve ever read it on tumblr

it didn’t occur to me that it is weird and creepy for an adult to discuss nsfw topics with a minor, mostly because i trusted this person and this type of stuff is my humor between me and most of my friends

i never purposely read this stuff because it’s not my place, and i am asexual and don’t feel comfortable with those topics. i was simply curious and ended up telling an adult i trust about it, that ended in a civil conversation about the matter

i do plan to discuss this more with ray and hopefully he can realize that it’s weird for me to be in that server with him, but i really hope that this explanation is acceptable

and i’m adding to this— i’ve only ever read wilbursprincess’s sfw works, i don’t interact with any of the nsfw stuff and go out of my way to not read it

#phxntom talks

[stickyspeckledlight]

your fic is super amazing!!!! But kinda curious abt smthg: just how insane is the reader at the end?

Ahhh ty for the compliment and ask! I’m blown away by the reception to Onset like, a TON. Making me blush more than the man the myth the legend aventur—nah, who am I kidding, no one can make me blush more than Thomas the Tank engine (jk if that wasn’t clear. I won’t shame y’all if any of you are train fuckers, so dw train fuckers)

ahem, back on topic

Well, as per the fic, Onset!darling has, well,

So, yeah, they might have lost a screw or two.

ofc, it’s a bit more nuanced than just laughing a bunch or obsession. I sorta alluded to it with the ratio voice line with my recent uh, Drabble? Head canon? I’ll just say hypothetical voice lines fine. But Onset!darling is, and very critically, aware:

With ‘cotton,’ they could generally disassociate from the situation—but, as time went on and as they just got so, so tired, ‘cotton’ became a way for them to try and delay this insanity, and was their only real source of any kind of rationality in dealing with the situation. In other words, overtime, ‘cotton’ also became a tool of denial—which they were painful self aware of. Aventurine was right, he may have been the one to light the spark, but it was ultimately Onset!darling who gave themselves the final push off the deep end because of how much they spiral. so, post confession and embracing themselves as two sides of the same coin to Aven, they still have that awareness. In a sense, they are still You…but they are really ‘you,’ ifykyk. They feel sorry about what happened to You, but it’s like, “damn, bro. That blows.” Kinda the same way you say to an acquaintance you don’t dislike, but don’t really know all too well when they tell you about something unfortunate happening to them. At times they will mourn what happened to You, because they know that how they are right now isn’t healthy or good and is the result of a very selfish man’s desire. But. They are content and happy with that very same man. Obsessed with him like he is with them. Simply put, they don’t care about You as themselves, but rather as like another person, sort of like a friend. But Onset!darling is especially selfish in the present, so even if they have moments where they mourn the death of an innocent, they have no problems with continuing on and being content and happy with their current situation.

It’s something I want to explore more with some subsequent stuff (because brain rot go brrrr).

Oh yeah I think I’ll create a new tag for my fic, since I still wanna explore it: Destroyed Onset. I am so good at this

#Speckled answers #Destroyed Onset

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

ari!!! it’s been a while since i dropped by!! just want to wish you a pleasant weekend filled with pretty flowers and warm bread (gluten free too if you prefer!!) 🌷🥐

i am also back with a sel question!! 🥹 what do you love most about your writing? and what qualities of suguru do you like highlighting in your works? 🥹

sel !!!!! my beloved !!!!!!!! i hope u’ve been doing so so well and resting and thriving :33 AND I HOPE U HAVE THE MOST LOVELY WEEKEND TOO i’m sooo excited that spring is almost here ……… i feel like winter is every writer’s most horrid season PHDJDF but maybe that’s just me 😭😭😭

AND AAAA A SEL QUESTION !!! this one was so fun to think abt BUT KINDA TOUGH hmmm…. sugu is so…….. sel i think i’ve mentioned this before but sugu is just. so full of Contrasts… like if you look at teen sugu and compare him to cult leader geto they’re completely different!! and throw a no curses au sugu / canon divergent sugu into the mix and he’ll be different too,,,, so really it depends on which one i’m writing for!! i try to make my getos a lil more twisted, and my sugus a Lot more self indulgent and sweet LMAO… but i think above all else i make sure to always write him very Soft :’3 bc to me he’ll always be a softie at heart, no matter which au you’re looking at or which stage of his life he’s in. even if he tries to hide it it ends up seeping out…

OH OH AND !! even more than the softness i see sugu as being super duped Devoted and that’s always a big feature of my sugu fics i think … he just bleeds softness and devotion 🥺🥺 i love him i love himmm……. ON THE TOPIC OF SUGU THO sel i was so enamored w the way u wrote fboy sugu … i can’t stop thinking abt him ….. he lives in my heart now <33 right next to ur own spot <333

i almost forgot to answer ur main question PHDJDHS my bad 😭😭😭 … hhhh i find it so hard to dissect my own writing :’3 i’m generally happy w it but ……… hmmm …… i think i like my imagery!! and i try very hard to set up a vivid Vibe so hopefully that also shows a bit in my fics hehe . most of my inspo sources are poetry, so i always have a lot of fun w the language and word choices!!

THROWING THIS QUESTION RIGHT BACK AT U OFC i need to hear all ur thoughts abt ur own writing!! it deserves all the praise and more i really do feel like your pieces carry sooo much emotion and warmth!! and and … aaaa i almost can’t pick just one character …. but i think i’m gonna need to hear abt ur approach to gojo….. and then nanamin too!! i don’t write for him or read fics of him much these days but i do love him :’3 and i’m so curious abt how u write him!!!!!

#sel i am hugging u tightly <3333 so sweet of u to check in #i hope life has been treating u super softly n kindly !!! #sending many flowers and sweets to ur location 🌷🌷🌻🌻🍦🍦🍭🍭 and warm weather !!! ☀️☀️ #also sel we’re so Connected i was literally just abt to sit down and work on a sugu fic 😭😭 in time for the baby boy’s bday ….. #so this question was great inspo TYSM <3333 #ask tag ✩ #sel !! ✩

[tianshiisdead]

Hello again! Back to asking you some more questions out of curiosity! You’re answers have always been so detailed and insightful!

After seeing a few posts of yours, I wanted to ask, why do you ship China/ Mongolia? It’s a fairly unliked, or at least unpopular ship in the English Hetalia fandom, so I’m curious to see your perspective? That, and how do you imagine their dynamic?

Hii! I'm so glad my answers have been good, I love talking so thank you for the questions! I'm sorry about how long this reply is, its pretty rambly

quick disclaimer: these r my opinions and thoughts, there r sensitive topics and such here as well that I try to treat carefully

SHORT ANSWER

(ignore the 'show' lol it's jus fav x fav)

LONG ANSWER (warning. its pretty long)

Hmmm to be honest, the simplest answer is just that I like and ship everyone with China who is my fav, I really like Mongolia, they have shared history, so I smash them together and call it a ship LOL

It's also bc I like Chinese history and the Yuan dynasty is a pretty prominent dynasty. Plus it's incredibly funny to me to see China bounced from one foreign ruler to the next in that little pocket of time where a part of China passed from Mongolic to Tungusic rulers while the Song dynasty grew and then shrank until it was finally fully conquered by Kublai Khan + going with the headcanon that nation-tans lived with their conquerers, I think China chilling with Mongolia during the Yuan dynasty is a fun image. It's a little difficult to write about because Mongolia (and, less relevantly, China as well) like, fractured a lot? It's not a single line of successive nations, and modern groupings and borders haven't always been this way ofc, so it's always a little hard to parse that in Hetalia terms. But it's fun to think about : )

Also, I will say I follow mainly Japanese artists on twitter and there's surprisingly a rather developed niche of Mongolia/China shippers

Dynamics

Dynamic wise, I focus on old history, but I like a variety of things! ぴよEX from pixiv has some really fun historical comics, the super serious Mongolian Empire and arrogant but expressive China are really cute when interacting, their casual day to day dynamic and interactions despite the situation are fun too. As a big China fan from a purely Hetalia point of view abt an event from many centuries ago, there's a feeling like 'wow he put a lot of effort into conquering China huh he tried really hard lol that's kind of cute... also he was the only one to Truly Have all of China until Qing dynasty came along... the Khitans and Jurchens all tried but were unable to fully conquer China... it was only Him 🥺'

I personally really love clingy China who reminisces about the old days and Mongolia who's a little tired of it, even though it's very unrealistic because the Yuan dynasty obviously wasn't a fun time for Yaoyao and then the Qing dynasty. ALSO was not a fun time for him haha so what would he even reminisce about... it exists in my heart though, a nebulous 'yeah maybe they hang out sometimes and China gets jealous over stupid shit and reminisces thru nostalgia lenses about how he once sat side by side with Mongolia and Mongolia tries to focus on the meal and not on the yandere beside him'. I also have a specific image in my head of Mongolian empire era Mongolia walking around with Song dynasty China tagging along to complain about stuff despite the lack of friendliness between their respective nations. Ahistorical but fun! The few Mongolia/China fics I've read in the English fandom that aren't openly anti-shipping are rather angsty fics about the Yuan dynasty, and though I can see why, I think it's much more entertaining to see their coexistence and casual day-to-day interactions in the ~century that the Yuan dynasty lasted, China's annoying peppiness, Mongolia half-listening to his flights of fancy while doing Big Ruling Things, etc. In general, the base of the ship for me is 'tall, annoyed, and serious x small, annoying, and expressive'. Like the first image I doodled specifically for this ask lol

Its place in English fandom

On the topic of popularity, I can understand why it's not as popular in the English fandom tbh the history between the countries has been very antagonistic and fraught w violence, esp in modern history, the 1900s and Mongolia's struggle for independence and such. and culturally there aren't that many similarities, aside from what's left over from the past rule's influence on culture and then there's a bit of cultural influence up north ofc. And then the topic of Inner Mongolia, as well as ethnic tensions... I'm not really in a place to comment and I'm not nearly knowledgeable enough to say anything, so this is just an acknowledgment it exists and also that it in my experience influences the English fandom, which, I mean good for them doing some research and staying away from sensitive topics and potentially offensive depictions

also the people who ship Mongolia ships in the English fandom tend to be Mongolia biases, and this ship is more of a China fan ship if that makes any sense? Like, if you liked Mongolia you might ship him with like, Tibet, have something fluffy and sweet and not... this toxic ship fraught with recent suffering, but if you like China there's a bigger chance of shipping him with Mongolia focusing on the Yuan dynasty. A bit of bullying for our fav little arrogant old guy. Meanwhile, there aren't that many China mains in the English fandom and the ones who are out there tend to ship him with yt ppl and focus on either AUs or modern history with a focus on China/western relations 😅 which I mean, fine, I do as well dsjjghfljk but fun historical ships like Mongolia/China aren't really popular.

Qing Dynasty rambles, kinda off topic

Another thing: the Qing dynasty! Okay so, I've read like. at least one english fic that had China turned into an oppressive little dickhead in this time period, but IMO and it's a very very personal and subjective thing, I don't think having China, that is Yaoyao, being the main force in the Qing dynasty makes much sense. This isn't like Yaoyao apologia LMAO it's more like, if each distinct and separate people and culture have their own nation-tan, I don't see why Manchu wouldn't. We may be sinicized now and I consider myself Chinese, but we are still a distinct people to the Han and Manchu were NOT Chinese back then!! It should also be noted that while the Manchu ruling class encouraged the mindset of a diverse China, 'Manchu Mongol Han' (满蒙汉) type thing, they were still conquerors who conquered China, Mongolia, and then a bunch of other places, and there was a hierarchy involved that had Han Chinese below Manchu. There were Han (and Mongolians and other ppl) who were promoted and integrated into the banner system or given Manchu clans or whatever and they were allowed to send their daughters in as concubines but the upper class was generally Manchu and there was a (failed) effort to retain traditional culture, meaning it can't be taken as 'Manchuria was consumed' sort of integration. Shoving 'well China was not in charge of China' in there kind of... changes the dynamics of Mongolia and aph China a little? Another, maybe more important point, is that Mongolia being conquered by the Qing dynasty in many cases wasn't initially a China Mongolia thing so much as a Manchu/Jurchen tribes vs Mongolian groups sort of thing, some groups fought with the Manchu, others were allied w Manchu Qing for protection against other groups, also iirc there were enmity/alliances left over from when Manchu were a bunch of little Jurchen tribes who either fought with the nearby Mongolic groups or turned to certain Mongolic groups for trade and alliances as protection. Like I get that in modern times HOW exactly the conquering went down doesn't matter as much as that it did and at that time China was the main force even ruled by outside conquerors, especially because the Qing dynasty is acknowledged as Chinese and the current country is a direct successor state to the successor state of this dynasty, but Hetalia content that directly addresses this history should take it into account. It's sort of like hmmm the Yuan dynasty's attack on Japan?

Of course, this is a sensitive topic! Lots of violence. Sooo it's the sort of thing that I'm hesitant to make 'content' about, but I do think about it sometimes. How would the relations go down? Idk bc Qing dynasty isn't one of my preferred periods for Mongolia/China but I thought I'd include it anyways since I've seen this era around in the English fandom and I had a Hot Take I wanted to express. It would be an interesting dynamic, though, bc then China goes hard trying to keep Mongolia in the republic era which was VERY VERY ruled by Han who were miffed about centuries of oppression under Manchu rule, lots of anti ethnic minority sentiment arose from that and the, ah, other events going on in during the late 1800s and early 1900s. so it's like... as a country it makes sense but how do you fit this into the characters? It's not like the characters have to like what's happening in their country of course, but I'd like to situate them in the time and atmosphere nonetheless. It's also a situation where China was getting hella brutalized during the late Qing/Republic era by western powers and Japan, so the usual line about this era for it is 'wow poor baby : (' which I admit I love, but it does leave Mongolia, any and all suppression of culture, and its independence movement by the wayside. A country and its systems can be very complicated because everything happens all the time and there's like a billion people involved but then u gotta find a way to balance it within these individual characters which is hard!! I've read so many fics in this era and it always focuses on a few specific character/country relations and inevitably leaves many big things out, everything just happens all the time huh!

I guess the timeline would be roughly:

Stirrings of trouble -> Manchuria gathering. some Jurchen groups are directly allied with Mongolian groups for protection while other Jurchen groups waged war on them and the Ming dynasty so this is awkward -> wowee China has been conquered uwu Yaoyao enters another Jin dynasty -> battle with Mongolia ig? or talks of alliance? The same thing applies to pre-Manchu unification, it's hard when all the different groups represented by one dude are doing different things and it's hard to say who gets the nation-tan -> ok now Qing dynasty is at its largest. China and Mongolia are both under Manchu rule, Mongolia has a bit more status but China gets kept closer to the rulers and in the palace cause obvious reasons. Do they interact? probably sometimes? i'd have to do more research on the details -> oh no the westies have arrived to do a bit of war and opium -> China has attacked and gotten rid of Manchuria, preferably while crying for the spice, but now that he has Mongolia he doesn't want to let go : ( misery -> and the rest is history. i guess

Closing

I'm sorry if nothing makes sense but I started writing and editing at midnight and I can see daylight through the windows so I'll leave it here

Finally: here's a link to PiyoEX's Mongolia/China compilation! There's a bunch of short comics about the Mongolian Empire/Song Dynasty part of history, some Russia Mongolia China, and one timeline of events with Mongolia celebrating Yuan dynasty, China celebrating Ming dynasty, and both of them side eyeing the new guy for the Qing dynasty dksljhgf

To be honest I don't usually think too deeply about this ship aside from teehee funny 1100s AD interactions and wow what if they went out in modern times and Mongolia had a horrible time and China couldn't stop clinging to his arm like a bug! And ofc that one irl video where China was thanking Mongolia for some sheep the gov sent, and some dude sang this song of thanks that was autotuned to hell, but the ship has a lot of potential for exploration, though it's sensitive and hard to handle correctly imo

#ask #mongolmaral #hetalia #monchu #hws china #hws mongolia #long post #tiart #tia rambles #aph china #aph mongolia

[audrinawf]

hi i’m new here! love your blog!

was curious to know how do you fast? how long? how and when do you break it?

any more things that i should keep in mind?

thank you!!

Ooooh I love this question I rarely get to talk about health on here so buckle up I have so many things to say abt this topic.

So at minimum I do 16 hour fasts. Anything less than that I don’t count as fasting. When you start and when you end is up to you. I’m a night owl so I prefer to eat my last meal at 10pm and then break my fast later in the evening the next day.

I try to do a 24 hour fast once a week or every other week. Once you get used to 16 hour fasts the 24 hour fasts are easy.

During my fasts I drink lots of water and try to avoid coffee and teas cause it can make you nauseous on an empty stomach.

While fasting 16 hours everyday is so good for your health I still have days like when I’m on my period or when I have pms that I won’t fast cause it’s so important to listen to your body cause it will tell you. Some days I need to have some bone broth or chicken soup before I go to work but if I feel like skipping my fast I will eat something very light like soup.

And also when you first start fasting it’s normal to get headaches and feel immense hunger but after a few fasts you won’t feel those symptoms at all cause you’re body adapts.

Now some of the benefits I’ve noticed from fasting are

weight loss

increased energy

mental clarity

cleared my gut health issues

cured my headaches and acid reflux

I’m better able to enter the void state when I meditate and just have amazing lucid dreams

it’s the number one way to get rid of cravings

And the reason I even started fasting was cause I had really painful period cramps and I read that fasting can help with that and it works 100%. My period symptoms have decreased so much from the day I started fasting to my next period the difference was huge. Before I was fasting I had to call in sick to work cause my stomach and my back hurt like crazy along with content headaches.

let me know if you have anymore questions!

#fasting #health and lifestyle #gut health #weight loss #acid reflux #water fast