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samblackblog · 1 year

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9. Decision

⎔ MASTERLIST ⎔ REQUESTS ⎔ TWILIGHT ⎔ BOUNDARIES ⎔

Word Count: 4.7k

Warnings: mentions of violence, fluff, angst, depression, smut (not heavily laden)

A/N: took me a while to get this finished. I wasn't sure which direction to go, towards Sarah or Paul? Then again its a Paul fic so...

Message if you want adding to the tag or you want a one shot written.

← Chapter 8 ▪️ Chapter 10→

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There is nothing to do in all the spare time you now have, jobless and miserable, but think of the friend you lost. Everywhere subtle reminders of her, from the photos of you together on your phone, to the mentions of her from your Mother and Frank. You slipped into an endless cycle of depression that scared them enough to not bother you with endless questions, but you overheard the augments late at night when they thought you were asleep. Truth is, you can’t sleep these days. You miss Sarah and desperately want to fix things and in the process you’ve cut yourself of from him. Even thinking of him, or naming him, makes the pain worse, yet it’s you doing it to yourself.

You groan and turn over in bed, hugging the duvet to your body. It’s been three days since he dropped you home, the ride had been in silence as you refused to speak. You watched his white knuckle grip on the wheel and how tightly he clenched his jaw. Obviously he wanted to say something, angry at the situation, but thankfully he hadn’t voiced it there and then. Before leaving, he’d made you promise to meet him in a few days after having time to yourself, time he knew you needed even if he didn’t want the space.

You stare at the ticking clock on the bedside table, counting down the minutes. You should have met him ten minutes ago. Despite the longing to see him, feel him, breathe him, you can’t bring yourself to get up. Instead you open your phone and stare at Sarah’s number, finger hovering over it. Even if she picks up, what do you say? There’s still no explanation, the only one you had she laughed at you for it.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

The clock becomes too loud, as it reminds you that you’re now twenty minutes late. Thoughts of him sitting alone in the current downpour makes you feel increasingly guilty.

He wouldn’t still be there. You tell yourself. He’d have gone by now. Anything to make yourself feel better.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

In frustration you swipe the clock off the side, it clattering to the floor with a metallic clunking. Something skitters across the floor, probably the battery. It’s only now, in the quiet of your room, you start to tune in to sounds in other parts of the house. The sounds of an argument starting in the kitchen drifting up to you. Quietly you leave the bed and creep along the floorboards to your door. The voices have grown louder and drown out any possibility of them hearing you coming down stairs.

“Somethings wrong with my baby girl Frank, and you don’t seem to care” your mothers hysterical shriek makes you jump as you hover outside the kitchen, eavesdropping.

“I just think that perhaps we’ve been too harsh on her recently. She’s a young adult now and she’ll experiment; that’s how they learn, from mistakes!” Frank sounds calmer, you put that down to his experience as a police officer. “She’ll speak to us when she’s ready-“

“Maybe we should send her to a psychologist-“

“She doesn’t need a shrink” He laughs, rolling his eyes at the idea he finds preposterous.

“She’s depressed, Frank!” Your Mother is at boiling point, her tone squeaky and you know that soon the tears will come.

“She’s a young woman, she’s probably got boy troubles, she’s not depressed.” He tries to rationalise and for once you’re glad someone’s on your side.

“If there’s something you’d like to know, just ask.” your voice interjects quietly from the doorway, “I’d prefer that to the talking behind my back “ you accuse. They stand, looking shocked at your sudden appearance. Despite catching them talking about you, guilt swells inside for letting it get to this point. You should have talked to them and not caused further stress. “Listen,” it comes out authoritative and stops either of them jumping in. “I…” you stare at your feet as you prop your body against the door frame. “I don’t wanna tell you what you want to hear for the sake of pleasing you, saying this, I don’t need counselling-”

“Oh thank god!” your mother interrupts, her hand coming to her chest in relief. You give her the side eye, annoyed at her rudeness.

“As I was saying, I don’t need counselling. I might seem a bit down but I have reasons, one’s which Frank’s not far off.”

“So there is a boy?” your mother asks, a mixture of intrigue and confusement. Frank smiles to himself, knowing he was right. “Don’t you think we should have known there’s a boy in your life?”

“Mum!” you whine, “No, there’s no boy.” You lie, not able to deal with her current questions. Tackle one issue at a time. “It’s just friendship problems.” Neither of them say anything but Frank gives you a wink, knowing you’re not telling the whole truth. “Anyway, I’m heading out, trying to fix the problem.” Your mother’s eyes travel your body, judging the state your appearance is currently in. She gets an eye roll from you before you walk to the front door. While slipping a pair of boots on you catch a glimpse of your reflection in the hallway mirror.

Jesus, maybe she was right to judge.

You still wear his sweater, having not taken it off, but had replaced the borrowed boxers with black leggings. Your hair, still unwashed, was scraggly and held enough grease to deep fry something in. You grab fistfuls of it and pile it high on top of your head, securing it in pace with the band from your wrist before heading to the car. Once sat inside the car, you get your phone out, finally having plucked up the nerve to call. The dial tone rings endlessly before the answer phone kicks in. In frustration you hang up and redial, the need to reach Sarah gnawing at you.

“Please pick up. Please pick up” you say through gritted teeth, hoping that it would work some magic. Once again the answer phone kicks in. Her voice sounds clear and cheery. You wait for her to stop speaking and the familiar beep to ensue, indicating for you to leave a message. “Hi Sarah,” you pause, realising how unprepared you are for this “I um… I couldn’t reach you, well you know that, but um I just wanted to check in, see how you are, even apologise. I’d rather apologise to your face and not over some dumb message…” you sigh loudly “Please just call me back, this whole thing is just so stupid, I really-”

Beep.

The time runs out for your message, cutting your words short.

“-miss you” you finish. Disappointed and annoyed you fling your phone into the seat next to you before banging your head against the steering wheel. In frustration your hands grip tightly onto the cool plastic as you release a suppressed groan. After regaining composure, you use your fingers to wipe away the wetness that stains your cheeks. Deciding you need to confront the issues in your life, you start the car and pull out of the driveway. Nervously your fingers tap against the steering wheel as thoughts race through your mind. Who to go to? Your brain, always the voice of reason, argues that Sarah should be the priority.

Mates before dates.

Despite this, every fibre of your being yearns to go somewhere else. A deep breath fills your nose with the woody scent that wafts off the sweater and sends your heart hammering. You let out a shuddery breath as you glance at the clock. Nearly fifty minutes had passed since you should have met him, why on earth would he still be there? Some small flicker of hope rages through you as you take a left turn at some crossroads, a turn that takes you further from her. The heavy rain turns to a gentle shower, as you head down the track that is becoming increasingly familiar. Under the tree canopy the rain seemed almost nonexistent but as you emerged into the clearing you noticed the occasional droplet hit the windscreen. You leave the car parked on the edge of the mud track and make your way over to the cabin, hoping that you were right in assuming he’d be here.

Gingerly you head up the porch stairs, trying not to make much sound in fear of an audience. There's voices drifting from the cracked open window, hushed in tone, not the usual energetic craziness you’ve come to associate with the gabble of boys.

“She might come around with some space” Emily’s soothing voice sounds, attempting to calm the male that answers her.

“She stood me up, I don’t think she needs time. She needs answers-”

“No.” Sam’s stern tone silences the other two. “I forbid it. She’s not one of us.”

“She’ll understand-”

“I said no Paul.”

“The other’s will be here soon, finish this before they arrive.” Emily advises. The oven door opens and then closes.

Feeling rude for eavesdropping, you try to backtrack and head to the car. Obviously now wasn’t the right time to interrupt. You make it down the stairs without so much as a creak and head back across the dirt clearing.

The low hanging tree branches to the left of the clearing start rustling as something comes running through the undergrowth. For a minute, panic floods your body. Half expecting the monster from your dreams to charge at you. You’re relieved when you hear the laughing joking voices of the boys. Emily had said they’d be returning soon.

In a hurry, you fish the car keys from your pocket but drop them in the mud. Before you can pick them up, feet thud into the clearing. In a flurry of snapping branches and bare skin something slams into you, knocking you clean off your feet. You land in the mud, something heavy on top of you.

Opening your eyes you see the smiling face of Jared, a flirtatious look twinkling in his eyes. He pushes up on his elbows as a flush creeps onto your cheeks. You’d never been this close to a man.

“Sorry about this, didn’t see you there!” He winks before another naked form runs past you both.

“Looks like I beat yo ass!” Embry calls.

Jared pushes off from the floor and offers a hand to you. The flush on your face reddens as you look away from Jared’s fully naked body.

Jared laughs. “Don’t tell me you haven’t seen Paul-”

“What the hell.” Paul’s voice erupts across from the cabin’s porch, stopping Jared’s comment in its tracks.

Your head whips around to where Paul is running down the stairs. He ignores the two naked men and heads straight to your side, looking you up and down once, then twice, noticing the mud on your clothing. His eyes then travel to the mud on Jared’s forearms and knees. His eyes turn animalistic, rage barely concealed.

“What did you do?” He spits at his friend. The words are thick with accusation.

“Calm down, it was an accident.” Jared’s eyes turn as lethally animalistic as he squares up to Paul.

“You’ve been provoking me for days.”

“You’re just too easy to wind up, man. Try not being so uptight.” He shoves Paul away from him.

“Paul?” Your voice calls to him soft and calming, perhaps the only thing that can pull him away from this. “Can we talk, please?”

He turns away from Jared, leaving the conflict before it’s too late. You take a shaky breath and try to calm your nerves but before you can say something Jared lets out a chuckle.

“It was about time she saw a real man.” His comment makes Paul’s jaw clench.

“Ignore him.” You shoot a glare at Jared, all embarrassment gone as you speak to Paul. “He doesn’t know what he’s on about.”

Taking a step towards Paul, you close the distance and place a hand on his chin, directing his gaze towards you. His jaw relaxes before he recoils from your touch. Your hand drops to your side as disappointment rushes through your being. Up until now you’d been the one rejecting and only now realise how being rejected hurts. Paul has to fight the desire to comfort you as he walks away from you and into the trees that you’d previously followed him into.

Sam, who’s been watching from the porch of the cabin, order’s Jared and embry inside. Once the two of them vanish inside the cabin, he gives you a nod of thanks.

Without overthinking, you enter the forest and retrace the footsteps you took once before and pray he’s there waiting for you. The walk to the clearing doesn't take as long as before, recognising stages of the journey which makes it memorable. Your foot clumsily catches on a tree root bulging from the earth. Smiling down at it, you can’t help but find it funny that it’s the same one that tripped you last time.

You enter the clearing and see Paul hunched over in the middle. All fours on the moss covered ground. His chest rises and falls as he breathes deeply as if meditating. You don’t say anything but let your actions speak. Silently you make your way over to him, stopping only to briefly consider what you should do.

Gingerly you place a hand on his back and make contact with his hot skin. The palm of your hand is cool compared to his scorching flesh, he flinches at the temperature change. The muscle beneath your touch contracts and relaxes as his head raises off the floor. Sliding your hand towards his shoulder blades, he brings himself into a kneeling position, his back flush against your legs as he sits on his haunches. Your arms wrap instinctively around his neck, dangling across his chest, as his head comes back to rest on your abdomen. He’s hurting and every fibre of your being screams to comfort him.

Without even thinking, you place a kiss on the crown of his head. Before withdrawing, his hands grab yours to keep you from leaving. You breathe in his scent. It's deep and woody and makes your heart flutter.

I’m sorry. I’m here now.

Without having spoken the words aloud, his body language changes as he reacts to your thoughts. The tension leaves his muscles as he relaxes further into you, his eyes shutting in content.

Cupping his chin, you tilt his face back gently. For a second you stare at his beautiful angular face before leaning down to kiss his lips. For the briefest of moments, he’s surprised, but it vanishes quickly as you become one.

A smile breaks across your features, halting the kiss. There’s a bob beneath your hand as he swallows. You draw back and watch as his eyes open, dark and filled with lust. The predatory look should scare you but doesn’t. Suddenly your mouth feels dry as nerves coarse through you.

“Hi,” you whisper.

He blinks up at you. Once, twice, three times before making a move to stand. He towers above you, head resting in the crook of your neck. Occasionally his body shakes followed by deep breaths. Trying to comfort him, you rub your hand against his back.

“What’s going on?” you work up the nerve to ask.

He sighs against you before pulling away. His eyes show deep sadness, flecks of anger swim through the irises. You take a step towards him, but he just moves further away.

“They shouldn’t have- you shouldn’t have”

“I’m not one of you.” Sam’s words from the cabin tumble from you.

Paul looks shocked for a fraction of a second before regaining control of his emotions.

“You heard that.”

“I may not be one of your goofy group of friends, but I’m here aren’t I?” Your brows pinch together. “I’m sorry I stood you up earlier, but you have to understand how confused I am at the situation, at my feelings. I’ve never felt like this and it scares the crap out of me… But, I’m here now and that’s what matters.”

“You don’t think I’m confused?” His words catch you off guard, not expecting him to argue. “One moment you can’t keep your hands off me and then you disappear for days. What am I supposed to think?”

“You said you would be anything I want you to be…” you shrug, lost for words.

“I don’t know how to be around you.” he avoids eye contact as his hands run through his thick hair, “You kiss me like you want me, like you care-”

“I do care.”

“You act one way and then completely change the next time I see you. It’s screwing with my brain!” He yells out of frustration.

“Paul…” Tears well in your eyes. You swallow to keep them at bay.

“Jared jokes about whatever this is and it drives me insane.”

“I didn’t want to see… that,” you clarify.

Your cheeks flush in embarrassment as you think about it, not that you really saw anything, having diverted your eyes. You notice Paul taking in your flushed appearance and shrink away from you again.

“Are you jealous?”

“I was worried he might have hurt you.” He shoots you a warning glare, to not delve further into this topic.

“Jared is quite funny, if I’m being honest.” You twirl a piece of hair between your fingers. “After today… Well maybe he’s got more than just humour-”

Paul walks towards the trees, no words of goodbye.

“Don’t walk away. Please.” Your voice completely changes, the joking tone erased by desperation. Inside your chest, the beat of your heart thunders, scared that he’ll go for good. “I need you.”

He stops in his tracks, back tense.

“I need you.” It’s an echo of a whisper as you repeat it.

He turns and looks you in the eye.

“I can’t stay away from you, I tried and it made me want you more. I can’t sleep without thinking of you.” The truth starts spilling from you in waves. “I can’t breathe, It feels like death. I… I. Need. You.”

He closes the distance between you in a few strides. His proximity gives you goosebumps as he leans his forehead against yours. All you can think about is how close his lips are to yours and yet still not close enough. And then they’re on yours, warm and soft. He starts with slow gentle pecks, before they become lengthier. Your lungs burn so he moves down your neck. You moan what sounds like his name as your arms wrap around his neck, fingers digging into his shoulders. The hair at his nape is long enough to grab in your hand as he gently applies suction to your skin, bringing forth another moan, barely audible to the human ear. Tendrils of pleasure run down your spine as your nipples harden. You flush when you remember you didn’t put a bra on; the way your body is pressed to his, he’ll feel them through the sweater you borrowed.

His mouth finds its way back to yours as you drink him in, savouring every touch and sound. He pulls away for a second, panting as he draws in air, before admiring his work on your neck.

You stare up at him with big doe eyes, lips parted and swollen, waiting for more. Removing your hand from his neck, you bring them down to his chest where they linger for a few seconds before going to the hem of his tank top. He stops what he’s doing, eyes watching yours as they stare up at him. His breath catches as you graze a finger delicately over the skin of his abdomen. You pull on the material, as you lean up to kiss him, bunching it in your fists. Lightly, your teeth brush over his lower lip before breaking apart.

With his chest heaving, Paul allows you to remove his top. He stays utterly still, letting you take the lead. He watches as your eyes follow your fingers, watching them trace patterns across his flesh. You place a warm kiss on his shoulder as your arms slide around his neck once more.

“I need you.” The whisper tickles his ear.

You pull away a little so you can look at his face. Neither one of you speaks and yet never has your communication been better. It’s over both of your features, anyone could read it. He dips a little as his hands rest on the back of your thighs, his eye contact not once breaking from you. In one swift motion he picks you up, bringing you eye level with him. You make a yelp of surprise and wrap your legs around his wait for stability. Before you can adjust, he’s moving again.

The moss feels soft as he lays you down, his lips trailing kisses down your throat. He works lower and lower until he finds where the sweater ends. He attacks the skin beneath, his hands gripping your hips fiercely, and works his way up, stopping just beneath your breasts. The cool air hits your skin and sends shivers over you, adding to the pleasure.

You make a sound of disappointment as he leaves your breasts and comes back up to kiss you. He plants one last peck on your pink lips before pushing up on his forearms.

“We need to stop.”

You pull him down by his neck and kiss him again.

“We really need to stop.” He says between your assault of kisses.

Catching him off guard you push him over and straddle his waist. Your mouth trails across his chest before he sits up, forcing your mouth upwards to his once more. You can’t ignore his hands that ride up your back, feeling the soft skin beneath the sweater. He certainly knows that you’re not wearing a bra now. If only he’d slide his hands round and touch you. You ache for him.

A whimper escapes your lips as you think about what you need, earning a growl from deep within Paul, that responds to you.

“We have to stop.” he’s breathless so he loses all sense of command.

“But-” You start to whine. The temptress within wanting full control.

“The forest isn’t appropriate, who knows who can hear.”

You’re far enough from the cabin that they surely can’t hear you. Yet some part of you wonders if they could.

“So we talk then.” You suggest, still trying to catch your breath and calm down.

“Sure.”

You make no effort to move off his lap, liking his embrace. You both take a few minutes to regain some normal sense of thought.

“You said before about soulmates.” He nods, urging you on “Well, maybe I believe you.”

He bursts into laughter, his whole body shaking underneath yours. You admire the way his eyes crinkle with happiness and the smile lines that appear in this moment of joy.

“There are things I don’t understand though.”

Paul leans back on his arms, taking in the view before him. His eyes rove up and down and a sense of accomplishment fills him at the sight of your flushed, dishevelled appearance.

“You’re distracted, I can see. Maybe now isn’t the appropriate time to talk about this.” You suggest, slighting annoyed he can’t compose himself. He grabs your hands, stopping you from getting up.

“I’m listening.”

“Is this a cult?” You blurt out.

Again he starts laughing. Big belly aching laughs that thunder across the clearing. You hit him playfully on the arm, hoping he can cut the crap.

“I’m serious!”

“Oh you are, are you?” he chuckles. “No, my friends and I aren’t in a cult.” The laughter remains in his eyes and sparkles.

“That’s it?”

“There are some things that I can’t tell you.” he watches your face screw up in confusion. “Don’t look at me like that,” he sits back up and brushes his thumb across your pout. “Do you trust me?” He kisses you.

It sounds ridiculous but you do. You trust him with your life. Deep in your heart you know he’ll keep you safe and love you, even if it is in this weird way.

“Just know that it’s nothing bad”

“Hmmm, at least tell me what’s up with the nakedness.” He pulls away from kissing you, “Don’t think about lying. You ran off in the storm while your clothes stayed on the porch… You’re always walking around half dressed and somehow don’t freeze. What’s up with that?”

“There’s no way I’m gonna come off as anything but crazy.”

“I’m fully prepared.” You smile in reassurance.

“We’re at one with nature. There’s nothing more freeing or grounding than being a naturist.”

“Weirdos,” you joke. A blush creeps up your neck as you imagine Paul as Jared had been today.

“Don’t be naughty.” Paul chides.

“I don’t know what you’re on about.” You stick your tongue out.

He makes a humming sound, not believing a word you say before planting kisses to your neck again.

“I’m sure you weren’t thinking inappropriate things in the slightest.” He teases. “My turn to ask a question.”

“Go on”

“Talked to Sarah yet?”

In one simple question, your mood completely shifts. The warm fuzzy haze you had been in swept away by the blistering cold glooming melancholia of the Sarah situation. You roll your eyes before sighing.

“She’s ignoring me.” You pull your lips into a tight line. “I probably need to just turn up at her house.”

“Something tells me Sarah’s not the kind that enjoys being bombarded.”

Something clicks with what he’s said. The amount of times Sarah’s warned you.

“Do you two know each other?” His eyes shift colour, the playfulness dashed by something cold.

“I knew her Sister.”

“She never said, she only warned me-”

“To stay away from me, right?” You nod a reply. “Figures.” He sighs loudly “I had a lot of anger issues growing up and got in trouble once… or twice.” He must have seen the look on your face because he added “I never hurt her though, if that’s what that look suggests.”

“No, no, I um… How well did you know her? The sister I mean…” You stare down at your hands that lay on your lap.

“Now who’s jealous.” He strokes a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

“So there’s a reason to be jealous?”

“It’s in the past, well in the past. And it meant more to her than me.” He stares at you for minutes as silence settles, unable to take it anymore he breaks it.

“You ever hurt anyone?” You hated asking, but felt the need to.

There's a dead silence that emanates from him.

“Yes.”

“Would you have hurt Jared today?”

He looks up at you, eyes full of sorrow.

“We’re a physical bunch. He’d have put up a good fight.”

“You’re bigger than him.” You point out, surprised at the honestly coming from him.

“We’re brothers. I’d only have whooped his ass a little, teach him to hit on my girl.”

“Too much testosterone in the group,” You joke.

He doesn’t laugh, doesn’t even try to acknowledge the humour you used to try to lighten the subject. He only sighs deeply, his whole body deflating as his eyes drain of light.

“What’s wrong?” Your hands rest on his shoulders before they cup his face, giving it a playful squeeze. “Talk to me.”

Before he even answers you know his sadness; feel it echoed in your own heart. You’d never felt abandonment before but recognised the fear as quickly as it arrived. Your hands slide down his arms, stroking soothing circles before wrapping his big hands in your delicate ones.

Gently you place a kiss on both his hands and then rest your forehead against his. Looking deep into his eyes you feel a bridge, tiny and invisible, that connects the two of you. Electricity surges back and forth along the sinew of this soul bridge and for a moment you breathe as one.

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