#bluevapors

[bluevapors2035]

today i wanted to hurt myself

today i felt so sad

i could feel my heart was rotting

and my brain was going bad.

.

today i wanted to hurt myself

i couldn't sleep all night;

my limbs were growing heavy

and my face doesn't look right.

.

today i wanted to hurt myself

today i wanted to cry

but i couldn't get out of bed at all

and maybe this is why:

.

today i wanted to hurt myself

i wanted to find a knife

but the very thing that kills me

today, it saved my life.

#spilled thoughts #spilled ink #bluevapors #poetry #spilled poetry #darkness #life #depressing shit #depression #self harm #sick and tired

[childofthenight2035]

five minutes

it's seven fifteen and i see her

she sits next to me on the bus

and we make small talk

she tells me about a movie she saw

and i tell her about a song i heard

and both of us complain

about school

teachers

exams

the man who collects our fare

glares at us

as if we make too much noise

so early in the morning

out of the corner of my eye

i can see a lady watching us

she might be reminiscing her youth

but her face is stern

we get off the bus

and split ways at school

i am not in her classes

but all i can think about in mine

is her

and all the people we fool every day

they still do not know

that this girl is the one

i would kill for

this girl is the one

who talked me out of suicide

this girl is the one

i fell in love with for the first time

and all i can think about

are her hands

and her eyes

her lips

and that smile

and i'm already checking my watch impatiently

it's two thirty and i stand up

to ask permission

to use the restroom

even though i don't need to

i open the door and she's already there

her hands reach for mine

they're so soft

our eyes meet

and hers are sparkling

her lips break into a laugh

and i am breathless

she opens her mouth to speak

and i realize

my chest aches too much

and i wouldn't be able to reply

so i kiss her

i can only speak this language of love now

and i can feel her melting

her grip on my arms is strong

so she won't collapse

so i won't collapse

i need her just as much

she pulls away

time is limited here

and it moves faster than i would like it to

she whispers

i love you

and i answer

and she leaves

it is two thirty-five

and i live each day for this moment

for five minutes of bliss

i can be myself

i can love her

and nothing else seems to matter

--n.m.

#girl love #love #life #first love #five minutes #poems #poetry #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #spilled poetry #spilled words #bluevapors #bisexual #pansexual #queer #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtpride #lgbtqa #lgbti #girls like girls

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[bluevapors2035]

i do not have trauma

sometimes i wish i did

sometimes i wish for all the pain

or even death, god forbid

i was not bullied

my friends are all great

yet sometimes i wish

i had received all the hate

i was not abused

never begged to be free

not once can i remember

someone laid their hands on me

i was not neglected

my parents loved me so

i might have grown up lonely

i find it peaceful, though

so what happened to me anyway?

where did i go off the path?

why do the demons inside me

refuse to spare me their wrath?

#depression #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #bluevapors #poetry #spilled poetry #darkness #life #trauma

[bluevapors2035]

coffee mugs

coffee mugs line the windowsill

of the kitchen's furthest wall

we didn't buy a single one

but there are memories in them all

.

teachers' day mugs from students

and one printed with my school

my parents' on another

a birthday mug from yule

.

there's one from a set gone missing

one on my desk, filled with pens

one buried in the back of my wardrobe

and one i'll never find again

(i smashed it to pieces, you see)

.

there is one i use every day

a gift from a dear old friend

one's a little broken, but that's alright

a few cracks don't mean the end.

#spilled thoughts #spilled ink #bluevapors #because finally i'm going through with my book #spilled poetry #poem #poetry

[bluevapors2035]

why do i still feel like talking to someone about it? i can't talk to my parents because dad doesn't know any of it and he would be horrified, mom would yell at me again because i'm breaking the promise i made to never do it again. i can't talk to my brother because when i admitted i was cutting again, he told me he's started drinking, so now knowingly or not, he's shut down the conversation: now both of us have unhealthy coping mechanisms and he's triggered my sense of thinking everyone else's problems are bigger than mine and i should be helping them get through it instead of dumping mine on them. aren't i a psychology student? aren't i supposed to always be ready to listen to you? aren't i supposed to never need to process my own things? i don't want to talk to any of my classmates or teachers who haven't noticed the very obvious scars that i'm not even trying to hide. i don't want to talk to any of my online friends about it. one of them will tell me there's hope. one of them will tell me she's always there but she's not, and i don't want her to be. one of them i've never talked about it before, and i'd much rather talk about other things. i don't have enough contact with my previous school or college or childhood friends to even try to bridge the gap and attempt to talk about it. and i'm too anxious to talk on tumblr's sh community. i don't want someone to tell me what i'm doing is wrong. i like doing it. i want to keep doing it. i'm not hurting anybody else. i'm proud of the way my scars look.

#sh #depressing shit #bluevapors

[bluevapors2035]

my cousin asked about my scars the other day. and i pointed them all out to him. and i was proud

#self harm #bluevapors

[bluevapors2035]

half the world is drowning

and the other half on fire,

half the people are dead

and the other half are liars,

it's the beginning of the end

darling

this is what you desired.

#spilled thoughts #spilled ink #bluevapors #darkness #poem #spilled poetry #poetry

[bluevapors2035]

I don't regret what happened between us. I poured my heart out and you listened. I learned to overcome my insecurities and you learned who I really was. The only thing I regret now is that my secrets, my fears and a part of my soul rests in the hands of a person who is not capable of protecting it.

#stuff i'm throwing out of my notebooks #because finally i'm going through with my book #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #bluevapors

[bluevapors2035]

Keeping it a secret was like eating fire, having it burn away her insides, to bones and ashes.

#stuff i'm throwing out of my notebooks #because finally i'm going through with my book #spilled thoughts #spilled ink #bluevapors

[bluevapors2035]

i’m probably pmsing, so...

should i write off what i feel as that? i’ve had these thoughts for a while now, though, but i think the hormones right now pitched me off the deep end. no one is listening, right? this is just a void where i can shout my thoughts into, right? if you hear this echoing around somewhere, i’m sorry, you don’t have to pay attention to it. i’m fine. or i will be. 

i’ve been studying psychology for just over a year now, and it’s not to become a counsellor or even help people at all. ironic, right? i took it because i was simply curious and interested to learn about it, but there’s a thing i’ve noticed: since i started learning psych, my mom only talks to me about it now. and i get that she’s interested in what i study, but this feels more like i’m playing counsellor for things that i haven’t even learned about yet?? i feel like i haven’t had a normal conversation with her in so long about something other than someone’s mental illnesses and analysing why she feels a particular way. and i normally don’t mind, but like, mom? i’m your kid. not your therapist. first off, i don’t have the knowledge or the qualifications to be indulging you in your free counselling session. second, it’s high time you went to an actual therapist, because you have problems that you need to be working out instead of telling me or dad about. i know work is literally killing you, and i’ll have you know that i would gladly abandon studying abroad if it means you can resign. i’m counting down the days.

and third, you’re talking to ME. this bitch who has multiple mental illnesses herself, who’s had depression since eighth grade, who fucking self harms for fun? and you’re coming to talk to me? i don’t normally have half the emotional space for my own bullshit, you think i’m always ready and willing to listen to yours? i wish, but i don’t. it’s super tiring every time i talk to anyone. i could very much spend the rest of my life barely speaking to anyone. 

yeah, today i lashed out and it might very well be because i’m pmsing. but you came home and the first thing you try to get me to talk about it the mental health of some kid, and i cut you off before you said anything, but let me guess: it’s probably your co-worker’s kid, isn’t it? i was frank, i said i don’t want to talk about it, i don’t give a shit, why do you only approach me to unload your problems?

and how easily you broke my argument down! you said, just this, so you’re saying that we haven’t spoken about anything else? really? oh please, i’m unloading my problems on you? i don’t even tell you anything about work! i’m trying to find topics that will interest you, why don’t you write down some topics you like on this wall? 

and i had nothing to say, so i didn’t say it. who’s right here? who’s wrong? i know my depression makes me blind, but still? maybe i am wrong. i don’t know. i don’t care. 

and she doesn’t stop. of course she doesn’t. she goes on to say that you’re twenty years old, this is the age when people settle down, when their minds become stable, yours seems to be the opposite, i’ve raised you the best way i can, in the way i wished someone would raise me when i was a child, what’s the matter with you? why are you acting up like this? did some traumatic event happen to you for you to be acting this way? why else are you like this?

and all i could think of was that post where gifted children are always wishing for pain and wish that there would be some horrible thing in their past to justify the pain they feel; but i can’t say that to my mom without opening up a whole new discussion i don’t want to have? so i just tell her i’m pmsing and i run away. 

i don’t know who’s right or wrong and i don’t want to have to choose. maybe both of us are wrong. i guess we need other ways to work out the problems between us, but verbal communication is always so hard for me. the words i need never come out and they never come out right. it’s like i say the bare minimum and expect everyone else to understand. and that is my problem. i  always feel so much emotion bottled up in me that i can’t describe them. so no matter how much my mom yells at me, telling me to fucking say what the matter is, i can’t bring myself to do it. 

these cuts hurt. i’m going to sleep. 

#depression #anxiety #mentally ill #mental illness #mental health #to my mother #bluevapors #personal rant #please ignore #potentially triggering #self harm

[bluevapors2035]

there used to be a fascination when the blade ripped through my skin, from the stinging, from the beading of blood

not anymore

even that joy has been taken away

#spilled ink #heartbeat #spilled poetry #bluevapors #self harm #sick

[bluevapors2035]

she presses her lips

to the scars on my wrist,

a sweet voice whispers,

"you would have been missed."

#heartache #thoughts #lgbt #desire #bluevapors #self harm #self care #shadows #spilled thoughts #spilled writing #spilled ink #spilled words

[bluevapors2035]

i want to tear up everything i've ever written and burn it on the floor of my bedroom. right now. let the flames stain the tiles. let me suffocate in the smoke.

is there anything more beautiful than to die in destruction, in the ashes of your own art?

#spilled thoughts #spilled ink #bluevapors #poetry #quotes

[bluevapors2035]

after i'm done with you, the only name that leaves your lips will be mine.

#bluevapors #poems #quotes #heartache #poetry #spilled writing #spilled words #spilled ink

[bluevapors2035]

i wish i wasn't so ticklish

because i love it when you touch me

#spilled ink #bluevapors #lgbt #aesthetic #heartbeat #life #aromantic