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4dbarbie-archive · 9 months

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4dbarbie remix: How to realise Self?

Disclaimer: This remix/mashup post was compiled by me, a student of 4dbarbie as a way to make sense of everything and to understand how to apply the knowledge practically. I went through all her posts and answered asks to make this which is made up of various parts of 25 49 (omg lol there was a lot of good stuff) different posts and answered asks. It is not an original post by 4dbarbie herself but all words are directly from her various posts and answered asks (except for my clarification notes which are in purple text in brackets & the last section after the last divider where I make some closing comments). Hopefully the way I've organised the information in this post makes sense and helps some Vanessas out there. ♡

Fair warning as this is a pretty long post essay (!) so maybe grab a cup of tea or something :) If you are really new to all this then take some time to really process it, there is no rush. My personal notes and highlights are in pink for main points and purple for 'action' points.

May we all realize our Self ♡

There would be no steps necessary, no process to undertake if you would just establish yourself in the I AM alone. You are so lost in your play you forget reality. 1 If you are "I AM", it means you are not the person experiencing the world/thoughts/circumstances, you never were. 2

The external world, you control it (because it is you!, in you), you make it, fully, even when you tell yourself you don't. 3 To know yourself as the source of all that is, you have to first remove the veil of what's stopping you from seeing it in the first place. To know your real being, you have to first abandon what you thought yourself to be. 4 There is no external life, there is no need to use any methods to recondition or train your mind. It is much faster, much easier and you are hundreds times happier just letting go of the mind. 5 The process is one of letting go more and more until you find yourself having nothing, being nothing. The thing about nothing though is that it's the only thing that can take the shape of everything. 6

A jeweler who wants to refashion an ornament, first melts it down to shapeless gold. Similarly, one must return to one's original state before a new name and form can emerge. The only way to renewal lies through destruction. You must melt down the old jewellery into formless gold before you can mold a new one. What refuses to die cannot be reborn. - I Am That, Nisargadatta Maharaj 7

Stop thinking you are Vanessa, the thoughts of needing this or that drop away. By thinking you are it, you create a character who desires and then identify yourself with it. You can only have when you let go of thinking that you don't. To change, you need to give up this conviction of being this person. You need to disbelieve. 9

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. 10

You have it, all is well. Just stop believing the illusions born out of thinking you're a person. 11

Unless they understand who they really are, that Vanessa is a habit and nothing more - that nothing has existence outside of awareness, including her, that awareness assigns reality and is the only reality - they're always going to struggle to control something and get frustrated they don't see what they think they're aware of. What you're aware of is what you're being. You can't be aware of being something new while also being Vanessa. 12

Knowing is being. If you really knew, the thing you knew would be materialized. You know you are Vanessa so you're being Vanessa. Would you want Vanessa if you were her? No. You are her so you don't desire her. And you won't be able to be Vanessa 2.0 if you don't shed this Vanessa first. That is, let go of thinking the thoughts are yours. 8

Your memories of the life Vanessa lived are now and not in a past. You are imagining her past being now. Her past exists now because you are aware of it now. If you were Lara you would be aware of a different past, still now. Basically there was no yesterday and you are imagining "a past having been" today. 13

Anon: "Do I have to endure the world while I know my self as awareness and disbelieve that I am Vanessa???" Ada: THE POINT OF KNOWING YOURSELF AS AWARENESS IS TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT AT ALL TIMES, FOREVER. It's complete, incomparable freedom and power. It's the only real love. 14

You are either your Self with nothing attached to it or you're an ego. Disbelieve you were ever her. See what happens. 41

A lot of beliefs are subconscious. "I am a body", "I am Vanessa", "There is a world" are all subconscious, automatic beliefs. Upon investigation you can get rid of any belief (by making them conscious and then dropping them). 15 How do you drop a belief? (see part 1 and part 2)

HOW TO STOP?

The body and the mind are only symptoms of ignorance, of misapprehension. Behave as if you were pure awareness, bodiless and mindless, spaceless and timeless, beyond 'where' and 'when' and 'how'. Dwell on it, think of it, learn to accept its reality. Don't oppose it and deny it all the time. Keep an open mind at least. Make your mind and body express the real which is ALL and beyond all. By doing, you succeed. - I Am That, Nisargadatta Maharaj

You need not take time to meditate or put time aside to contemplate and "apply". All you need to do is detach from this form during the day, let life happen as it happens while reminding yourself it's a dream, a dream that doesn't have to be yours. 16 It is your own desire to hold on to it that creates the problem. Let go. Stop imagining that the dream is yours. As long as you give reality to dreams, you are their slave; see all as a dream and stay out of it. 17

You imagine that there is an external world in which the you that you're identified with lives, but all of that is in your mind. Stop imagining it's true and it dissolves, which can only mean it never was. Which can only mean you assigned reality to it by thinking you're it 18

I've said it before, you don't have to convince Vanessa that she's unreal. Just stop taking the thoughts you don't like for truth or reality. There is no convincing involved, it is all letting go... you're holding so tightly onto your ideas now, that's why you can't see their falsity. 19 You don't have to convince anyone of anything. What I teach here is to leave your mind alone, that is all. Don't go along with it. 2 Thoughts will keep on coming for a while, just now you know they have nothing to do with you. Get into a habit of watching, letting them be but not identifying with them. If you can observe them, it means you are not them. 32 Doesn't matter what the thought is, leave it alone, ignore it BUT not by force of will, just indifference. We've established you aren't the ego, alright? Thoughts, right now, are from the ego. 20

Thoughts of the past life come, remember they no longer have anything to do with you. Literal full delusion (I only call it that because after being identified with a person for so long, it's mind-blowing to grasp you are not that). Thoughts are not yours, complete indifference - no need to fight them. Where they come from, none of your business. Only know they are not yours. YOU not being in your desired reality is a thought, got it? This body and this world are not forced onto you, they exist through your identification with them. Not yours, remember? Repeat. Not yours. You won't lose your mind, you'll only lose your misery. After you've detached, you'll easily shift to as many realities as you want - don't put any on a pedestal of desire, they are equal. See this world and the body as not real first. What is true is only what I AM is identified with, right now this body which is not in that TV show (referring to anon's desire). Correct this first by letting go of thinking it's you. 21

You don't need to convince yourself they're unreal, just dismiss them as not yours. They will disappear more and more through your newfound indifference, then their physical counterparts will, too. Detachment is by doubt and indifference. First you start doubting "the facts", then you become indifferent to the facts, lastly there are no facts anymore and you can establish your own. 20

Start letting go bit by bit, just to see what happens, you won't start "acting crazy" just because you become uninterested in thoughts, I promise 22

What I recommend you to do is bring your self into focus, become aware of your own existence. See how you function, watch the motives and the results of your actions. Study the prison you have built around yourself because of credulity. By knowing what you are not, you come to know your self. The way back to your self is through refusal and rejection. 23

Here's a scale of emotions you go through, from bottom to top: apathy, grief, fear, hostility, anger, indifference, acceptance, freedom finally - and then unlimited, independent joy. You can review this to see where you are on the journey and what should come next. You can't skip them, all of them have to happen for you to have the all. 14

Do not try to understand any more, just be. And let other things be as they are. Even if you're not happy about what you see, there is no way around it besides accepting it. As long as you fight it and try so hard & incessantly to change it, you're only giving it further reality. 14

If you are angry or in pain, separate yourself from anger and pain and watch them. Step away and look. The physical events will go on happening, but by themselves they have no importance. It is your mind alone that matters. When you identify yourself with them, you are their slave, you think you have to act on them. When you stand apart, you are their master. 24

One thing is certain: the real is not imaginary, it is not a product of the mind. 23

You are beyond the mind. Mind and body become your servants once you discover your Self. The present moment is all that is, so yes - become aware of having never been the ego, of your ego being just one of your creations. Ego is the concept of individuality, of separation from the “I", and the All. Therefore ego is a false assumption. We are really the Supreme Reality, we are not separate from It. To "fix" the separation, reject what you are not. Only look at who you are, over and over and over until it becomes the permanent identification and replaces the ego. 25

Once you are convinced that you cannot say truthfully about your self anything except ‘I am’, and that nothing that can be pointed at, can be your self, the need for the ‘I am’ is over — you are no longer intent on verbalising what you are. All you need is to get rid of the tendency to define your self. All definitions apply to your body only and to its expressions. Once this obsession with the body goes, you will revert to your natural state, spontaneously and effortlessly. 23

Drop the false ideas first and watch. After what keeps you stuck goes, you can do whatever you want. You can think the ugliest thoughts and nothing will happen if you know yourself as who you are. It's your identification with the thought that causes the thought to be true. 26

The guilt is because you think you're running out of time and you need to change "your" life now. Be patient with yourself because you don't lose any time, just get to that place I'm telling you about and then you can just go back in time if you so wish. All worry is pointless! And there is nothing to fear, things just happen, do not claim them as yours for a while. Unclutter your mind, it becomes your servant after you've freed it enough. 27

She (Vanessa) will vanish yes, you ask how because you still think waking is more real than a dream. Do your dreams not vanish? Do you wonder how they vanish? They just stop existing all of a sudden when you go into another dream (waking). What if you've lived all your life as Ada and woke up one morning and were suddenly Vanessa with no memory of Ada, would you know anybody vanished? Nope. All you know is who you are right now (because present is all that is), which is Vanessa. 28 Leave poor Vanessa alone, with both her desires and fears, disbelieve you are her until reality becomes self-obvious.

By being your Self you gain the freedom of existing as anything, anytime. You don't lose Vanessa's pretty body if you don't want to stop imagining yourself as being Vanessa with her pretty body. 29

Nothing is lost, awareness just shifts. You can always go back. We're just removing the obstacles that stop you from having this freedom of choice (your identification with this person). You can completely wipe out Vanessa's existence as well. Later if you change your mind, you can make it so that she actually existed again. You are no form, you are formless, the form only is when you imagine there is a form, be your favorite form and dream beautiful dreams :) 30

There is no difference between sleeping and waking, awareness is the background of both. You just think the waking state more real because you've dreamt it over and over and reinforced your belief. They're equally imaginary. Become aware of this and life will forever be a breeze. 31

All depends on you. It is by your consent that the world exists. Withdraw your belief in its reality and it will dissolve like a dream. Cease from looking for happiness and reality in a dream and you will wake up. - I Am That, Nisargadatta Maharaj 17

Your next step will be realizing there is nothing to learn in a dream. You'll find yourself having less and less thoughts, then none at all. Then, only if you want, you will be able to reinstall the mind, now of your choice, and change the dream. 16

Past doesn't come up anymore, memories don't come up anymore after you've ignored (thoughts) & detached yourself enough. They just don't. You can think freely now about being something different. If you can't, don't get mad, don't blame, only know that the one that's doubting isn't you, so the doubts are totally fine to be. They'll be for a while and then they dissolve too, because by ignoring, not getting involved - you forget. And by forgetting not only do you free up so much mental space, but possibilities of what can be, become unnumbered. 36 Anon: Is it okay to feel completely indifferent after learning about this stuff? Like, not feeling as worried about what is playing in front of me since I know its not me Ada: That's the goal. Then become indifferent to the thoughts you get as well. Those aren't yours either. You'll become aware they've dissolved & you can reconstruct the mind however you want because you have no attachment to past beliefs anymore. 33

Even the process is very beautiful... but the very best is when your Self becomes the permanent background instead of Vanessa. Now you always return to Vanessa, later you'll forget to consider her ♡ Dream not of a character who wants and desires, there is nothing to long for — only things to be. 16

To not depend on anything but everything to depend on you is a top state you can grasp with no method. 5 The experience is of being empty, uncluttered by memories and expectations; it is like the happiness of open spaces, of being young, of having all the time and energy for doing things, for discovery, for adventure. A sense of 'there is nothing wrong with me. I have nothing to worry about'. But not one you condition yourself into like you conditioned yourself into a body, it is one that naturally and effortlessly dawns on you by itself when you reject all else, because it is your natural state. 34 Real freedom and real love only emerge when you're not identified with a transient ego. 35

All you are doing is becoming lucid. Becoming able to control the dream. You won't be able to, unless you step out of it. That is, stop thinking this story you tell yourself is true. When Vanessa is no longer all you are, you'll be able to 'change reality' the way you change the film in a video projector. You'll be able to have as much fun in the play as you want to, change it when you no longer want this one specifically. The emotions of the character are fun and welcomed, because they no longer imprison you, there's the background of love to it all - that once you gain, it can't be lost, it's ever present. 36

What you are identified with materializes. If you are not, it disappears. 37

Just let go of the ego, that’s how simple it is. All you need to fix is your wrong identification. There isn't anyone who couldn’t materialize anything right now if he or she would just let go of identifying as the limited body. 38

Only by letting go of all do you gain everything. But once it's done, it's done irreversibly. Fear is no more, control is fully yours. You are free, completely. And with the bliss of freedom no human pleasure compares. You become full love, full power. The absolute and only power. Sooner or later, you will arrive at the same conclusion. You can't stop being what you are, all else can stop existing, but you can't. The only thing you have a choice in is delaying seeing it by thinking you are this or that. Only see it (I Am), then you can imagine whatever you want and it will be. 39

If you project the world, it is within your power to change it. But you must stop identifying yourself with it first. Go beyond, then you have all the power to destroy and recreate. All everybody wants is to be free, but to do that you must know two things: what you are to be free from and what keeps you bound. 2

Your own self is your ultimate teacher, the outer teacher is merely a milestone. It is only your inner teacher that will walk with you to the goal, because he is the goal. - Nisargadatta Maharaj 40

Got more questions? Recommended reading:

Ada's recommended guides on realizing Self: 1, 2, 3

My recommended posts from Ada*: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

All references from the remix post

Books: I Am That by Nisargadatta Maharaj** and Keys to The Ultimate Freedom by Lester Levenson

*in addition to the sources linked in the post **a lot of her posts incorporate quotes and excerpts from this book, moreso than Lester Levenson's Keys to The Ultimate Freedom and she also shared a lot of excerpts from the book

What does this look like when applied?

Experience is the best teacher and learning from other's experiences and how they applied this knowledge can be really valuable and insightful. I don't define success based on materialising things necessarily although that is one result of realizing Self.

From 4dbarbie students: see the tag

Other: 1, 2

Okay, what to do after reading all this?

Apply apply apply. Don't wait, nothing will happen by waiting. There is only now. Inquire who is causing trouble and to whom. You can't think yourself into realization. 'You' are beyond the mind. You are the creator of the mind. It must be experienced.

#remix #4dbarbie #nonduality #non duality #nondualism #non dualism

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getitoutofmymindwrites · 4 days

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The landing | joel miller x f!reader, 13.2k

Summary: You feel him before you see him. He’s still taking up space in your micro-universe. His sole presence creates ripples through the atmosphere as he walks towards you, softly nudging you to turn your head from your spot to look behind you. Or The one where your orbits finally collide for the final showdown.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, NO SPOILER (read A/N), ANGST, cheater!joel, discussions of infidelity, mention of food consumption, yelling, crying, the briefest mention of smut thoughts, sprinkle of fluff (blink and you'll miss it), as always let me know if I missed anything 👀

A/N: Ok, *deep breath* I know I can't make everyone happy unless I write alternate endings 😅 and I understand that infidelity can be a very triggering concept. I gave them the ending I felt they both deserved, but if you're looking for a story where they are at each other's throats for 13k words, maybe this is not for you and you are more than welcome to kindly move on. I won't spoil the ending in the Warnings, so proceed with caution, you know what the main theme is all about. All I can tell you is that this part of the story is divided into two main scenes because I didn't want to drag it out with one little scene after another. *she says after spilling 13k words🙄sorry about that👀* As always, I would love to read your thoughts on the last part and please keep in mind that writing is almost always self-indulgent.

P.S. I want to thank each and every one of you for the love I received for this mini-series, I never thought it would engage so many people. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You've all been so kind and sweet to me, so this journey filled my heart with joy! I love you all, take care of yourselves and I'll see you -hopefully- in the comments! Oh! My asks are always open if you want to know more about their story. I could even write drabbles or one-shots about anything you'd like to know in particular. Ily, bye 😘

P.S. I deliberately left the last two lines without clarification of who says what, I leave that up to you. 🤍

Dividers by @cafekitsune @saradika-graphics @plum98

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FOUR YEARS AFTER THE FALL

Are you still falling?

You’re not sure anymore. Maybe you’re just used to it. Or maybe you just learned how to fly. It certainly feels like everything has slowed down. Sometimes it feels like floating. As if you’re a feather, so lightweight, swirling around aimlessly. But you can never touch the ground. Gravity can’t quite pull you down. Every time you feel like you’re finally landing, a force of nature pulls you back up.

Maybe it is a soft, warm, summer breeze, a memory of Joel.

Maybe it is a whirlwind, a contact from the lawyers.

Maybe it is a snowstorm, sign the papers, please.

Maybe it is the whispering of a gentle wind, the possibilities of what might have been, or the lack of real closure.

But it’s nice here. Even between the earth and the sky.

You never thought you’d enjoy leaving the big city and making a home for yourself on a ranch. But you loved it. You loved the peace and quiet, you loved this new community of people, you loved taking care of the horses, riding them, being around them. And then there was the house. A place you could almost call home. It was beautiful, rustic, warm, inviting, lacking none of the comforts a modern house needs, because you can’t quite get the big city girl out of you. The entire land had a soft, yellow-golden light enveloping every tree and every rock, everywhere your eyes reached, as if the sun shone differently here.

The days are easy. The chores are more than enough to keep you focused, there’s always something to do around here. It feels good to be busy, to keep your mind from dwelling on the past. You welcome the exhaustion of a full day’s work that accompanies your body when night comes.

Evenings are mostly good. You shower the day off, you cook, you chill on the couch with a good book or a film and more often than not, as the time passes and you feel more comfortable sharing the privacy of your home, you have friends over for dinner and drinks.

Nights though, nights are hard. At night, you pray that you are tired to the point of exhaustion so that you can sleep through it peacefully. Sometimes it works, but most of the time, not so much.

Time has intensified and lessened your emotional burden simultaneously.

The sharp pain that feels like thick acid being poured into you mellows in an inexplicable way. It still hurts, the pain oozing out of your every single pore even in a physical way. Only now, it has transformed into a sweet, slow poison conquering every hollow of your body, every vein leading from your heart to the ends of your limbs.

It’s almost a welcoming feeling, this pain, reminding you that you’re still alive, that he was real, that everything that happened was real. Because sometimes, sometimes, when you let yourself relax, when you let your guard down, all of this feels like a dream. Sometimes, you wake up in the middle of the night, confused, reaching with your hand for the other side of the bed and finding it empty. And for a split second you get that feeling. The feeling of how it used to be with him next to you.

Then you remember.

You know why this is happening and who’s responsible for it. This is a mix-up. This is what your treacherous brain does to mess with your resolve. It blends the bad stuff into the good, creating the strangest of concoctions. The clear image of black and white, neatly and perfectly hung in the center of the walls of your mind is now splashed with colorful memories from your life together, like a Pollock painting. You do your best to resist, to bring back scenes from all the vivid recollections of the night your life changed forever but your uncooperative brain pops another memory up, a good fuckin’ memory, like a projector, illuminating those bare imaginary walls with laughter and touches and whispers and scents and warmth. It’s relentless.

This dichotomy creates an uneasiness inside you, you choose to reject and pretend not to notice. Which in turn leads to self-contempt because, as always you can’t lie to yourself. You may lie to others but deep in your core you have to be honest with yourself. That is something you’re owed. To be aware, present in the reality of your life. So, you know, you know, you just sweep things under the carpet as a copy mechanism. You know what you should do.

You should confront him. You should demand answers and then finally say what you need to say to him. Not for him, not for his sake, but for yours. But you can’t. You've lost count of how many times you've picked up the phone and your thumb hovered over his contact to call him but you just can’t bring yourself to do it. And every time you tried to text him, to start a conversation, it felt too awkward. The only acceptable subject of discussion initiated by you was the progress of the divorce papers. You were unable to even remotely insinuate a more meaningful encounter. And he didn’t make any advances either. Not that you gave him any room to try and talk to you, but still, he seemed more settled with that, rather than not.

Maybe that fact itself was your cue to let it all go. He’s probably moved on. You don’t cheat on someone so blatantly and then want them back. Obviously, this whole delaying of the divorce is a power play, like everything else, it seems.

Good, yeah, that’s it. That’s it.

Now, let go. Move on. You solved it. Let go.

But this annoying little voice is scratching the walls of your weary brain, nudging the limits of the carefully made up serenity that’s hanging by a thread.

You should confront him. For your peace of mind, for your equilibrium.

But it’s nice here. Even between the earth and the sky.

Joel, will you please sign the papers?

It’s early in the evening and you’re in the garden in front of the house near the porch, on your knees, plucking a few weeds from the ground. The fatigue of the day’s work has begun to take its toll on you, your shoulder is slightly trembling as you rest your weight on one palm to dig around with the other. Sweat covers your torso, rolling down between the valley of your breasts and the hollow between your spine, leaving your t-shirt clinging to your skin, your hair sticking to your forehead, which is lightly covered in a thin layer of dirt at some places as you keep wiping your forearm over the little beads of salty water that concentrate over your brows.

You feel him before you see him. He’s still taking up space in your micro-universe. His sole presence creates ripples through the atmosphere as he walks towards you, softly nudging you to turn your head from your spot to look behind you.

There's an overload of sensations before you shift your body around to confirm what you already know in your bones. You can smell him, taste him, feel him on your suddenly tingling skin, all at the same time.

You turn slowly and your breath hitches on your throat. You just stay in place, frozen, time infinitely stretching as you take him in from where you kneel on the ground. He stops abruptly the second his eyes meet yours and you could swear he’s holding his breath, his face completely unreadable.

He looks.. he looks like your Joel and nothing like him simultaneously. Soft yet imposing. Handsome yet battered. Determined yet lost. His clothing is simpler, dark jeans, green flannel over a black t-shirt and laced boots, as if he just returned from a working site. His curls are longer, framing his handsome face in a ridiculously good way, more white hairs nestle in his beard that is not that trimmed. Neither of you speak quite yet, taking each other in.

Your mind, your bizarre, ridiculous mind is working on figuring out what day it is. Why does it matter? Did you have an appointment? This is unexpected and a long time coming all at once, regardless of the day of the week. What comes next? Do you draw up an astrological map to determine if it's a compatible date for you to meet? Get it together.

Your facial expression must be pretty funny because Joel smiles awkwardly while scratching one side of his bearded cheek; hey, it’s me.

No, shit, you mentally respond, as if you could ever forget him. Furious is the word that best describes you because these are his first words? Hey, it’s me? And that feeling escalates into an explosive retort because you now realize that you had expectations. His first words? Who cares what his first words are? Were you expecting a tearful reunion, masterfully staged and executed like a romantic film? The guy betrayed you in your own house, sorry, his house. Wake the fuck up.

“Did you sign the papers?” you spit as you rise from your spot and he reacts as if you have punched him in the stomach. His face falls; you see a series of micro-expressions pass over his features before he settles on the last one. Has he been hurt? Did you hurt his feelings? Did he also have expectations?

“Uh-”, Joel raises his brows in genuine surprise, things probably not going the way he expected or hoped.

“It’s nice to see you, too.”, he replies with mild mockery.

Your eyes snap shut and you laugh in anger, lowering your chin to your chest and then looking back up at him, your eyes blazing, your brows mimicking his previously surprised expression, “Are you serious right now?” you cross your hands defensively over your chest.

You stare at each other for a good minute, both of you taking a moment to compose yourselves and regain your balance.

You break first, dropping your head back to your chest, looking down at the heel of your shoe scraping the ground beneath you, exhaling audibly.

“Hey,” Joel tries again, after speaking your name tenderly, your name on his lips, his head dipping down and to the side to try and get your attention back to him, his gaze filled with a mixture of warmth, regret and fear, “hi.”

You shake your head from side to side in repentance, what a great start this is, you keep thinking, “Hi.” is all you give him, still not looking at him.

“Hi,” he repeats, “it’s really nice to see you, bab-, shit, sorry.”, he winces, covering his mouth with his palm, embarrassment creeping into his features. You let out a quiet laugh, exhaling through your nose. You don’t comment on the slip of endearment that leaves his mouth, you don’t correct him, accepting privately that you liked it, you missed it, you longed for it.

Joel studies your face, but makes no comment on your silence. “You look...” he pauses for a split second before deciding to continue, “you look really good.” He hesitates, he doesn't want his compliment to come across as a feeble attempt to patronize you, because he really means it. You do look good, all sweaty and muddy and human and real. You are real. If he took a few steps forward, he could actually reach out and touch you, feel your skin under his fingertips, smell your heady scent, perhaps discreetly lick the remnants of your sweat from his thumb after carefully removing the strands of hair sticking on your forehead. But he doesn’t do that. He doesn’t do any of that.

You don’t quite know how to respond to that, any answer crossing your mind seems stupid or cheesy or dismissive. How do you respond to a compliment from the man who made you worship in his altar, only to have your faith ripped out of your heart?

His eyes keep roaming over your face, your figure, memorizing everything he can, like a blind man who has finally found his light, while he fidgets with an envelope in his hand which reminds you-

“Did you sign the papers, Joel?”, is what escapes your lips before you can think twice.

“No.” and now it’s his turn to lower his head, his eyes avoiding your gaze, as he looks down at his feet.

“Joel!”, you exclaim infuriated, rolling your eyes at him, knitting your brows together in a sign of frustration.

“No, no, it’s not like that. I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you want.”, Joel raises a hand in your direction to stop you from what seems to be a fair assumption, his palm up, facing you in an unspoken surrender. “I thought that- me, not signing, was a way of showing you how deeply sorry I am, how much I wanted to fix our marriage, but I understand now,” his voice wavers slightly, “that I need to respect your wishes. It’s the right thing to do. If this is still what you want, I’m gonna sign it.”

You don’t reply to that last part, only pointing out that “You didn’t have to come all this way to tell me that.”

“No, I didn’t.” Joel agrees.

“Then why are you here?” you insist, reluctant to entertain the idea that he has actually come all this way to apologize.

“Because I owe you an explanation.” is his honest and direct answer, sending little jolts of electricity through your nerves.

“Joel..” you sigh in exasperation. Not in warning or frustration, not really, but in something else. A feeling you can’t really put a name to, the closest you can come to describing it is that of a burden, woven deep into your heart, blossoming rapidly with each beat. There are so many things left unsaid; it makes you feel helpless, like you’re drowning. You want the dam you’ve built around your soul over the years to break so everything you've been holding back can finally pour out of you, but there’s just so much of it, of everything, that you’re terrified. Will the overflowing tank of emotions be completely empty? Will there be anything left unsaid? Untouched? What if the remnants left behind keep licking around your wounds, their waves pushing, shaping what’s left of you into something new, unrecognizable?

And what if, the tank will indeed be completely empty? What you’ll be left with, then? Nothing? Just.. empty? Will you remain empty? What, if anything, will take its place? Will you recognize your new self? Will you like yourself? Will you be able to live in harmony with this shell of a person? This you; you know. You hated and pitied and caressed and comforted and forgave and nurtured you into some version of a new you. But this? Everything will be torn apart, the wounds will be freshly opened, accessible to be examined in detail, plucked and bled and bruised in an all-too-familiar way.

Joel’s voice snaps you out of your trance, “No, I do. I owe you more than that, actually, but that’s the least I can do. And I wanna do that while I’m still your husband. I want to explain myself as your husband. Apologize to my wife, as her husband. Then I’m gonna sign anything you want me to.”

“And if I don’t wanna hear what you have to say?”

“Then I’ll just sign the papers and leave you in peace.” Joel confesses in all his honesty.

You just nod, looking down on the ground. You take a deep breath to ground yourself. You can do this. You want to do this. You need to do this.

You walk towards the house and sit down on the steps of the porch, as he looks at you awkwardly, not knowing where to stand. You gesture with a tilt of your head for him to come sit next to you. You can do this. You realize that you didn’t invite him into the house and you feel a bit rude for that, but it's beyond your empathetic capacity to deal with him being here and to let him into the house as well. “I just like it out here, it’s calm and-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, whatever makes you feel comfortable; I know you don’t want me here any longer than I have to be..” he interrupts you as he sits down next to you, his one side pressing against the end of the stairs, where the railing begins. He places the contract between your bodies, on the wooden floor.

It makes you uncomfortable, his statement, you always want people to feel welcome and relaxed around you. You internally chastise yourself for worrying about his feelings instead of yours, but you can’t help it, it’s embedded in your DNA. “It’s OK, Joel, I don’t mind, we can talk.”

Joel nods, but he remains silent. You don’t break the silence, giving him time to collect his thoughts. He chuckles defeated, shaking his head while rubbing his hand over his face.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, you don’t look that mighty to me anymore.” you blurt out before you can stop yourself and you immediately regret it. It didn’t sound so insulting in your head. You only meant to say that he doesn’t intimidate you anymore. Which is sort of a lie and a truth at the same time. You used to find him imposing, even his mere presence had the ability to make your skin crawl, your heart flutter and your words get catch in your dry throat, you were in awe of him. Every time you laid your eyes at him, even when you were straddling his lap or gazing at his profile as he slept beside you, you always felt as if you were looking up. You admired him.

His heart loses several beats to that. He can read between your lines now. He has lost your respect. Your admiration. The time when you looked up to him in awe is long gone.

“You know, my therapist warned me about this.”, he chuckles bitterly.

“Your-” you can’t hide your shocked expression from him as you search his eyes for any sign of him joking around, but you find none. “You’ve been in therapy?”

“Yeah, I-, I spent two years hating myself,” he chuckles deprecatingly, “and then I realized it was time for me to stop being an arrogant prick, so I spent another two doing it all over again with the help of my therapist.”

You laugh wholeheartedly at that and it’s the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen in his entire life. “OK, somebody’s off to a good start. Go on.”

“You mean about the therapy?”

“I mean about you admitting you are an arrogant prick”, you say playfully.

He really laughs now, his eyes crinkle up at the sides. You used to love that. You feel your heart warming up. “You can thank Maria for that.”

“For what?”

“For kicking my ass and pushing me to help myself.” Joel admits. “She’s a good friend.”

“Yeah, she is.” you agree through your laughter, the image of Maria actually kicking Joel’s ass is priceless.

“I missed that sound.” Joel is looking at you softly, as if his gaze could break you.

“Hm.” you simply smile at him, not finding it in you to respond with a snide remark. The time for that feels like it has passed, like it’s irrelevant at this point. All you really want is to have an honest conversation, irony be damned.

You both look at your feet in silent consideration for a minute or two. “I thought you’d be mad at me.” Joel reveals.

You exhale through your nose, the edges of your mouth turning up in a gentle smile. “Four years is a long time to be mad at anyone, Joel. Even you don’t have that kind of power over me.”

“Good. I have enough burden on my shoulders as it is..”, he mumbles and you decide to change the subject.

How do you admit that you are still mad at him but in a different way? How do you describe the deep scar his existence has carved into your soul making it almost unbearable to even exist without him? How do you explain that you’ll always carry him with you, no matter what? How do you instill in him that you still believe in the best version of him, the best version you know he can be, the best version of him you once lived with. Yes, you’re not mad at him for the reasons he thinks you are. You’re mad at him because the way he made you love him is stronger than any hurt he’s ever caused you.

“So, what did your therapist warn you about?”

“She, uh- she tried to prepare me for this.”

“Oh? What did she say?”

“That I should not be prepared.”, he laughs in earnest. “That I should not obsess about what I want to say and just be open and have an honest interaction.”

“I like her, already.” you say with a straight face.

He smiles softly, looking down at his boots, while he rests his elbows on his knees, one palm encircling the other. “Yeah… I had some digging to do; I still do for that matter and will be for a long time it seems.”

“Anything you wanna share?” you reply, raising an eyebrow as if you had no idea why he was here.

“Oh, boy-” he squirms in his seat, already overwhelmed by the turn of the conversation, his chest almost vibrating with anxiety, he can barely swallow, small beads of sweat starting to form around his temples. You reluctantly reach for his forearm, trying to calm him down. “Hey, Joel?”

His whole body stiffens at your touch and he wishes his clothes would evaporate so he could feel your skin against his. He fixes his eyes on your delicate fingers lightly squeezing his tight muscles underneath the fabric. “The worst part has already happened four years ago, so-” you shrug, “just breathe.” Joel keeps his eyes on your hand, his heart rate dropping slightly; you ground him. You retract your arm and keep your hands to yourself in an effort to maintain a respectable distance between you. You shouldn’t have touched him at all.

“I think- I think I understand now.” he begins, still feeling the ghost of your touch on his forearm. “How I made you feel, what your words meant. You always did that, you know. And I found it so fascinating and so exhausting at the same time.”

You look at him, confused. Joel continues, “You always chose your words carefully. You had a reason for every single thing you said. In retrospect, I realized that you were handing me everything on a silver platter, but I was too self-absorbed to see it at the time.”

You nod in agreement, gesturing with your head for him to keep going.

Joel takes a deep breath, holding it inside his lungs for a while. His exhalation is controlled, measured. “Fuck. Okay. It was not just the fact itself. It was not just the cheatin’.”

Your stomach clenches violently at his words. The time has finally come and although you know what happened, you where there, when the words come out of Joel’s mouth it's as if you're pulled back to that threshold all over again. It really happened. You feel your hands sweating. “Go on.”, you pronounce carefully, already anxious your voice is going to betray you. You can do this.

“I don’t want to sound all full of myself-” Joel hesitates.

“You won’t.” you interrupt him with conviction. The truth has never frightened you. You welcome it. It feels like a form of catharsis, it feels like you’re finally being seen. Every nerve in your body is on fire. You’re ready for this, for the truth, if only he gives it to you. Please, set me free.

“I was your everything.” he whispers, almost embarrassed, his eyes not meeting yours. You don’t respond to that, not until he looks at you, although the admission shoots straight through your heart. You stare at the side of his face, almost forcing him to turn to you. He does.

“You were.” Simple. True. Clear as the light of day.

“And I ripped that from you.”

“You did.”

“In the worst possible way.”

“Hmhm.”, you don’t trust the stability of your voice.

“And no matter what I say, I can never take back what I did. I humiliated you, our home, our relationship, everything. I-” his brows furrow in an expression of disgust, “I disrespected myself. I burned everything down. I left nothing for you to hold on to, nothing for me to hope for, nothing.”

His chin trembles and his voice wavers as he continues. “The words to describe how sorry I am have not yet been invented. And even if they had, they still couldn’t take the pain away; what’s done, is done.”

He closes his eyes and rests his head on the railing. “I don’t know what I wish for anymore. That you had never met me, so you could be spared all this pain? But I can’t. I can’t wish that, because I’m so grateful to have met you. I married you, I had you. That is what has comforted me all these years, what has got me through all those sleepless nights.” He looks absolutely devastated, desperate.

It feels genuine, because he’s not directing it at you, he’s not trying to convince you, he’s not trying at all. “I have not thought about my pain or what I want from all this for a long time. All I pray for is-” his glistening eyes are searching frantically on the ground, his brows knitted together in a painful grimace. You rest your head on the palm of your hand, your elbow on your knee. Watching this moment like an outside observer, you realize that he's trying to live up to your standards, reminding you of a child trying to impress his parents, only to fail regardless of the outcome.

“Look, Joel, couples break up, divorce, all over the world, all the time. And I guess, they all thought their partners were their everything until they finally weren’t.”, you rationalize, putting everything that has happened into some kind of perspective. It is not the end of the world. It is the end of your world. He doesn’t have to carry this burden on his shoulders for eternity. All you need from him is to understand, to acknowledge what he's done to you, how broken you’ve been.

But if he acknowledges that, if he truly comprehends the tremendous pain he’s put you through, won’t all that anguish be transferred to him? Isn't it unbearable for a truly repentant man to know that he has deliberately caused so much pain?

“But, you see; I wanted that, I needed to be your everything.”

“It certainly fed your ego..” you grin at him.

“No, no- I craved that- that look on your face when your eyes were on me, like there was nothing else, no one else around you, but me. You drove me to be better, to move forward; I felt I had a purpose. You were my purpose.”

“Well I didn’t do much of a job then, did I?” you smile defeated.

“No, honey, this-” he’s determined to make you understand that it wasn't your fault, even if it is the last thing he is going to do. He licks his lips trying to formulate his thoughts, “-what happened, had nothing to do with you, I- I was just- I got in my head..”

You shake your head dismissively, “It’s a terrible burden to put people on a pedestal and expect them to-”

“But you see, baby, that’s the thing. You didn’t.”Joel dismisses your comment and if a bucket of ice-cold water was thrown over your head you wouldn’t feel so frozen. You search his eyes for meaning, because deep down it stings to hear that you could give more. Is that what he’s saying? You didn’t love him enough? Joel catches on and rushes to explain. “You-” god this is so hard, he’s struggling, can’t he just rip his heart open and let you examine it? “You loved me so much, baby and you never asked for anything in return. You let me be who I was. You accepted me completely. You set me free.” His eyes are blown wide, burning into yours with intensity. You look so lost, how does all this fit in with what he did then?

“Darlin’,” he expands further, “we live in a competitive world. Everyone aims to control each other, from business partners to lovers and spouses; everyone manipulates, everyone tries to tell you where to look, what to do, how to act, how to fuck, how to love. Except for you. You let me be. You put your heart in my hands and you set me free. And I took advantage of that and I am truly sorry. I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. That’s how fucked up I am.” you look at him dumbfounded.

“I can’t connect the dots; I don’t get it, Joel, I’m sorry, I-” you run your fingers through your hair, scratching your scalp in frustration. What does he mean?

Joel winces mid-sentence because he can’t escape what’s coming. This is his last resort. And he knows it is going to sound cruel and he doesn’t even mean the first part the way you're going to perceive it, but for lack of better words, for lack of the better person he could have been, a person who should have never put you in this position in the first place, here goes.

“She made me feel wanted; you made me feel free.”,

he spits out in a hurry, praying to whatever god is listening, that you won’t even catch it, knowing full well that these may be the last words you'll ever let him speak to you.

You are utterly, completely, perfectly shocked.

Then you feel it for the first time in what feels like ages. That old friend consuming you. Rage. It burns your lungs, twists your guts and pierces your heart like a thousand needles. Everything becomes crystal clear. You’re so infuriated, that your mind goes blank. A million words and nothing at all come to your mind simultaneously.

“Let me- let me rephrase that, because actually it was never even about her, I just-” Joel begins, in a vain attempt to stop the tide from crushing you both.

Your palms become clenched fists in front of your mouth, pressing against it, crushing the velvety skin of the inside of your lips against your teeth until you draw blood, in an effort to control yourself. You inhale sharply, keeping your eyes fixed on the land in front of you, blurred by the tears gathering in your waterline.

“She- what?” are the only words you manage to choke out.

“Baby, it doesn’t matter, it was never about her, she was a means to an end and-” your eyes bulge out of your sockets at the statement, “I know- I know how that sounds- just-” his palms come together in a prayerful gesture, begging you to give him a chance to explain.

“A means to an- what the fuck are you talking about, Joel?” the veins on your forehead swell under your skin, creating a map of the river of wrath flowing aggressively through your body.

“It was never an affair sweetheart, but a transaction; one I initiated. She was only a boost to my ego.”

..she made me feel wanted..

..a boost to my ego..

It's all starting to make sense now, and it's the last thing you expect to be confronted with. You've always imagined either a heated affair, a secret love story, him realizing he had found his soul mate in someone else, or him getting bored with you, finding you too much or too emotional or too unlovable. It turns out that you were accused of the one thing you never were.

“Are you-, oh god,” you can hear your heart pounding in your ears now and it takes every ounce of strength not to vomit, “are you saying that you fucked someone else; you fucked your secretary for fuck’s sake, you fuckin’ cliché of a man, because I wasn’t jealous of you?”. Your throat is so swollen, you try to scream your words at him but they only come out in wrenched whispers.

You stand up abruptly, dizziness causing you to close your eyes tightly as you see a million white dots behind the blackness of your eyelids. Your whole body vibrates with rage. You steady yourself on the railing and then begin to pace back and forth, your hands unable to stay motionless, but moving over your face, through your hair, lowering and squeezing the sides of your waist as you lean slightly forward in a subconscious way to soothe yourself.

“Oh my god, oh my fucking god,” you laugh hysterically now, as angry tears run down your cheeks, as if you've been let in on an inside joke. “It’s my fault, everything is my fault-”

Joel is frozen in place, he’s not sure if he should get up and try to reason with you or stay where he is.. or run for the hills. He’s witnessing the unleashing of a caged animal. His tongue feels heavy and numb in the cavern of his mouth but he dares to speak again, “That’s the exact opposite of what I said, sweetheart,” he tries to explain in vain, “I’m sorry if that’s what I-” but you’re not listening to a single word he utters.

“People kept telling me, urging me on, all my life;” and you slap your palms on the sides of your thighs, looking at his direction, but not really looking, “I should be more controlling, more pushy, more..” your voice begins to fade, muttering to yourself through your teeth. “They warned me, you know, that the lack of pressure in any kind of relationship would be perceived as a lack of interest.”

Don't trust completely; hold something back; men like the illusion of power; show them you need them; make them jealous; be jealous, like a manual to a pre-installed setting.

Do you agree to the Terms & Conditions?

Press ‘Enter.’

“But I didn’t listen. I never listened. Because in what world do we choose a leash over freedom?” You turn to look at him now, addressing him as if you were talking to a third party, an outsider, asking for advise or affirmation.

Maria’s words come back to Joel’s mind, words that he had long forgotten about, finally fitting like missing pieces of a puzzle to the bigger picture.

“Maybe the wrong Miller is on a leash..”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Means that freedom is for those who can bear it.”

“I was really stupid, was I not? What on earth made me think that this time would be any different, what made me think that you’d be any different? You’re just- you’re just another man-” you spit your vile angrily as your eyes sweep over him. The look in his eyes is devastated, he feels shuttered, reduced to nothing.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid little girl. When the fuck will I learn? When the fuck am I going to accept that I don't really belong? When?”

Joel is staring at you bewildered, he never felt more helpless in his life. A thousand new thoughts and questions form in your head, things you didn’t even begin to imagine would cross your mind.

“Did you use her?” you ask with renewed vigor, a surge of energy running through your body.

Joel’s cheeks burn with humiliation but he has already admitted it once, what will it do to him to say it one more time? “Yes, I never had any feelings f-”

“No,” you interrupt impatiently, you don't care about his feelings right fuckin' now, “that night, did you use her? On purpose?”

Joel looks lost for a second but the cogs in his head finally turn and “NO! No baby, I wasn’t even aware of you coming home earlier than expected, no. Don’t even entertain this idea; it wasn’t intentional, I swear to god.”

Oh. There’s a new question for Joel. Why did you leave your business trip early? He had never thought about it before, solely focused on everything else that had happened, which now made him wonder, “Did you- did you know?”

“What?” you frown, lost in your own thoughts, not following his line of logic.

“Did you know? Is that why you came back early from your trip?”

You’re still a bit too far gone in your head to think clearly and try to prevent the next question from coming, “Of course I didn’t know, Joel, did it look like I did?” is all you say with a bite, annoyed.

“Then why-” Joel insists, pressuring you for an answer, but he doesn’t get to finish his sentence.

“I- fuck- I need a minute.” you declare and start to walk towards the house.

Joel waited on that porch for almost an hour, watching the sun set behind the mountain, afraid to move, barely breathing in case you stormed out and threw him back where he came from as if him standing still would somehow make him part of the landscape; as if he belonged.

And you certainly delivered.

He hears the screen door open, his back still to the house. You are standing behind him, your arms crossed stiffly over your chest, your face tilted down, to avoid his gaze. He could see the red-rimmed and swollen eyes of yours, despite your efforts to hide them.

“I can’t do this-”

“Please,” his whole face contorts in agony, “please, hear me-” you both speak at the same time.

“-tonight.”

“What?” his voice matching the look of confusion on his face.

“Maybe another time, but not tonight.”

“I-” he doesn’t know how to articulate his thoughts without sounding like an idiot. He drove all this way, four hours straight, to finally get things straight. His brain has short-circuited, unable to put a plan into action. Should he check into a hotel or a motel or whatever the fuck is around here in the middle of nowhere? Should he go back to his place? Do you really want to talk again? You sort of said you did. You said maybe. Fuck. What does he do?

But honestly, what did he expect? That this would be over in the course of one evening? Of course he would have to come back. His eyes are fixed on yours like a deer caught in the headlights. “I came all this way-” he mumbles, choking on the last part, already regretting the words that came out of his mouth.

“Well, too bad.” you spit emotionless as you turn and head for the safety of your house, leaving him stunned on the goddamn porch.

Joel returned the next evening, but you weren't there. He made the four hour journey and came back empty-handed. And you weren't there the next evening, or the evening after that. But he kept on driving the miles, hot wheels under the Texas sun. He didn’t check in anywhere near your small town. He went back home and then back to you again.

The last time he found nothing but a closed door, he finally got the message, so the next time he left the house, before he turned on the ignition, he texted you, as a sign of respect for your boundaries.

Is it all right if I come and see you?

Backspacebackspacebackspace

Is it OK if I come and talk?

And the answer was

Not today.

So, every day he texted you. He didn’t mean to be intrusive, he just wanted to remind you that you were never far from his thoughts, that he was always ready and eager to finish what he started.

You denied him for quite some time. You couldn’t bring yourself to face him again. The confessions he made have knocked you off your axis. Just when you finally felt like everything was falling into place, he dropped this bombshell, making you rethink everything you thought you knew and had sorted out in your mind. You just couldn’t wrap your head around what you’d heard coming out of his mouth. How could he think like that? Why couldn’t he just talk to you? You used to talk about everything; what the fuck happened? How did you not see that coming?

You were sure that he would give up, that he would stop bothering to contact you at all. Was it the monster of self-deprecation? Was it a deep disappointment in human beings and their general lack of persistence in trying to nurture and repair a relationship, or at least trying to give it a proper closure? You didn’t give it much thought afraid of the answer you might get. But you kept saying Not today, until one day, for some reason-

Can we talk?

Yes.

Joel’s heart is beating through his chest so rapidly, he has to cough to regain some of his composure. He almost drops his phone, trying to confirm the most convenient time for you before you change your mind.

That was the first Yes after the day you saw him again. You weren’t sure what you wanted to talk about; if you could pick up exactly where you left off. You weren’t even sure you could look him in the eye again, but you had to see this through.

When you hear the sound of his engine and tires on the dirt road, you take a deep breath and walk out of the house to wait for him on the porch.

“Come on in, I’m cooking dinner.” you announce as you open the screen door for him to enter the house.

“Are you sure?”, Joel is taken aback, he thought the inside of your house was strictly off-limits to him. You were also cooking dinner as if he was an old friend visiting you. He couldn’t help but wonder if he should lower his defenses or not but with the way you looked tonight you didn’t give him much of a choice.

You’re wearing a pair of warm cream jeans, paired with a white front tie shirt, the first few buttons left open, giving him a glimpse of your tanned sternum. It almost looks like a man’s shirt, just messily tied up over your soft skin, revealing bits of your stomach. Could it be another man’s shirt?

You are barefoot. The nails of your toes are painted in a fresh glossy black color. Your hair is casually tied up in a messy bun, loose strands falling around your beaming face. Joel has to restrain himself from pushing you against the wall and fucking you on the spot, by clenching and unclenching his fists. His mouth is salivating at the sight of you, excitement building in his groin. It's been so long since he's felt this way, a different kind of hunger is growing in him at a rapid pace, as if something buried deep inside his masculinity has just awakened from hibernation.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” you quirk back at him, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, what you’re both doing. “I’m starving. Coming?” you leave him at the entrance and go back into the house.

“You have a beautiful home.”, Joel admits as he takes in his surroundings, thinking that this is going better than he expected. He also can't help but prepare himself for the fact that this might not end the same way.

“Thank you.” you laugh nervously.

“What?”, he catches the note of disbelief in your voice. “I'm serious, the light is just right, it’s open and warm; it actually reminds me of you.” he says matter-of-factly.

“No, no, I know you mean it, it’s just- I guess it’s high praise, coming from you.” you admit. You always admired what he did for a living and how good he was at it and him seeing your place for the first time gave you another reason to feel kind of nervous.

“Oh, come on, none of that now.” he dismisses the compliment, his voice wavering slightly at the praise.

“Well it’s true, you are excellent at what you do, I mean, the house you built is a work of art and that’s a fact.”

“Which one?”, although he knows exactly which one, he presses on.

“The one we used to live in, together.” You can’t call it your house. You cannot. The mere thought of it makes your tongue feel like it’s on fire.

“Oh.”, Joel smiles as he presses his lips together in a thin line, “You mean our house. It was built out of love, that's why. It's the one I'm most proud of.”

“Hm.”, is all you give him. Déjà vu brings back memories out of the closet -pun intended- for both of you.

“Ok, now you really have to tell me. What is it?”, Joel crosses his forearms over his chest. He has to know.

“What do you mean?”, you try to buy some more time, cause you’re not so sure you want to go in there.

“You had the exact same reaction when I mentioned that, four years ago.”

“Ah, that.”

“Yeah, that.”

“It’s just- it always felt like it reflected your personality rather than mine. Or at least ours.”

Joel looks at you perplexed.

“I’m not complaining, I mean, how many people can claim that their husband built them a house the size of a small hotel as a wedding present?” you chuckle while you continue as nonchalantly as you can muster, “I would have lived in a cave with you, Joel, you didn’t have to go to these lengths to house two people. If you want my honest opinion, this was an ego project. I let it slide because it made you happy. And I liked you happy.” Joel looks stunned, his eyes darting back and forth between yours.

“Baby, I- I wanted to make you happy, to give you the best I could-”

“Joel, I’m not judging you. I am not. But you didn’t show me a single blueprint while you were designing the damn thing. You didn’t ask me what I wanted or how I imagined it. Sure, you equipped it with all the best stuff money could buy, but you never asked me what I thought about it. Not really.”, you see the hurt in his eyes and it unsettles you, but now the rabbit is out of the hat. “Again, I’m not judging you and I’m not being ungrateful, all I’m saying is that for some reason you needed your shinny new wife to live in a shinny new castle. It was a prestige thing. Just think about it.”

“Jesus..” Joel mutters, pinching the sides of his forehead with one hand, feeling defeated.

“Hey,” you give him a wry look, “I tried to avoid answering that question for four years. You were the one who insisted.” you defend yourself, clearly amused by his reaction.

“What else do I need to know?”, Joel wonders in a desperate manner.

“Well.. for how long can you keep coming back?” you joke absentmindedly.

“For the rest of my life..” Joel answers a little too quickly, not a hint of playfulness in his voice.

Your heart tightens at his eagerness, forcing you to admit a consideration that you have had more than a few times before. “You know,” you look over at him, lost in thought, almost like reminiscing, “sometimes I wish I had met you before your company took off.” You snap out of your daydream and consciously look at him and he looks pained as if some kind of realization has hit him. You change the subject for the sake of both of you. “Anyway, speaking of which, how is work? I heard you closed that deal, after all.” you grin mischievously.

“Yeah, I did.”, his voice takes on a strange timbre, almost like regret. But you’re not so sure about anything these days, so you let it pass. He puts the envelope with the contract on the counter in the kitchen and sits down in the chair next to the table already set for dinner.

“Good, that’s good. Let me guess, you’re all over it? First in, last out? Is it almost done?” you word vomit to cover your nervousness.

“Uh,” Joel rubs the back of his neck, “I wouldn’t know.” is all he gives you, clearly trying to avoid getting involved in the discussion.

“Um, you don’t know?”, you laugh lightly in confusion. “How is that possible?”, you ask stirring the vegetables in the pan.

“I’m not involved in the project and I have no idea about the status of the construction;” Joel answers your question and continues, revealing, “I quit. Sold my shares and got out.”

“Yeah,” you draw the vowels, still not looking in his direction, “right. Big, mighty Joel Miller left his enterprise-” you laugh mockingly, but you are met with silence. “You’re joking, right?” You turn to look at him, not believing what you have just heard. You feel your blood freeze in your veins.

Joel shakes his head in denial, “I’ve actually left the city and the only reason I haven’t sold every asset in my name is in case you want to claim any of them. They’re all yours if you want ‘em.” Your mouth is slightly agape, as you try to process what has just been delivered to you.

You open your mouth to protest but he beats you to it, by raising his hand to stop you. “I know you don’t want anything from me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want them either. Not without you. Just take them. Burn them for all I care, liquidate them and use the money as you see fit.”, Joel insists, trying to find ways to convince you.

“You can do that yourself, Joel.” is all you say; you don’t give a damn about his money. Joel nods and leaves it at that, he knows better than to talk about money right now.

You’re curious where he lives now, but you’re not sure it’s appropriate to ask, so you don’t. You prepare dinner and make small talk about simple things like your lives over the past four years. Joel asks you about the ranch, the horses, the chores; you ask him about Tommy and Maria, their newborn son, whom you haven't had a chance to meet yet. None of you dare to break the bubble of normality in which you have effortlessly found yourselves.

It feels like coming home after a long day, the way you both fall into a comfortable silence. Joel speaks your name softly, drawing your attention and your gaze back to him. “What are we doing here?”

“We’re eating?” Just a little longer, let me have it just a little longer.

“Yeah,” he chuckles, “no, I mean, what are we doing?” he gestures with his fingers between him and you.

You look at him and then at your plate, playing around with your food, lost in thought. How do you acknowledge that? How do you confess that you’re trying to stretch time? How do you admit that you’re scared out of your mind of how it's all going to end? How do you even come to terms with the fact that you’re not sure you want any of this to end? How do you accept how natural it feels to have him back in your life? How do you admit that after four years the pain has never stopped, but the force, the roughness of it has changed into something softer, yet persistent; never quite going away, lingering.

How do you admit that all the good memories are emerging, because that’s what the mind does, that’s how it protects you, that’s how it helps you survive another day, that’s how it tricks you into falling back into a comfortable routine with him. Even if what binds you together now is his betrayal. How do you admit that you’re afraid of what will become of you once you've finished confessing your truths?

Will he cease to exist for you? Will you cease to exist for him? Will he ever bother to contact you again? Do you really want him to? Will you matter to him or will he move on, start again and shake off the last vestiges of your life together?

Or maybe- maybe he has moved on with his life and that's why he's doing all this, putting all this effort into it. Maybe he is preparing a new, clear path for himself and whoever is in his life right now. Is it her? Is it still, her?

You’re spiraling, lost in your thoughts, biting your lower lip anxiously, like a snake eating its own tail. “Baby?” his baritone voice snaps you out of it, he must have called you several times before you heard him, suddenly aware of hot, fat tears streaming down your face, his thumbs gently brushing them from your cheeks.

You let out a shuddering breath; it’s the first time he’s touched you, in so, so long. And here he is again. The familiar, old friend. He’s pounding on your door now, relentless as he is, screaming for you to let him in, lead the way, take charge, take care of you. You can almost feel his maniacal banging, vibrating through your chest, let me in, let me in, let me in.

Let me in, better angry than scared.

Better angry than scared.

Your shoulders slump, your head feels unbearably heavy. The world has stopped moving. The world is moving too fast. You savor his features as he leans further in, his intoxicating scent filling your nostrils, his eyes pleading, the brown of his irises inviting you to let him in. Joel’s face is that of a man still in love as he continues to caress your skin and you let him.

You let him, because you are a weak person.

You let him because you have been deprived of his touch, of any touch really, for far too long.

You let him because you want to have something for yourself, selfishly.

You let him, because for once you just want to take. Take, take, take.

You let him because you just want to be held and touched and loved.

And even though your mind knows that you shouldn’t want all that from him, your heart allows you that little moment.

“Joel, I’m tired.” you begin, your voice breaking as fresh tears run down your face and onto his thumbs. “Tired to my bones. All I want is to be honest with each other. Do you think we can do that? Can we talk like two adults with nothing left to lose? Can we just be truthful to each other? I know there’s too much history between us, too much hurt and resentment but we both have to try and put it all behind us. I can’t go on like this.”

There’s a stillness in him, realization and clarity dawning on him. He thinks he understands now and it shocks him somehow, as a fact, that there are still things to uncover, to revel in, to acknowledge. Every time he thinks he’s reached the end of this journey, a new sun rises over the horizon.

You don’t need the specifics of his action, at least not right now, or not anymore. What you need is closure. True, honest closure. And that can only come from him baring himself to you. “Yeah, yeah, we can do that. We can do anything you want, baby.”, he squeezes his eyes shut, knowing where to begin, but resisting the thought. He leans back in his seat, dropping his hands from your face as he lets out the breath he seems to be holding in and begins.

“Remember that night before your business trip when you came to my office?”

“Uh, yeah? I guess.”, what a strange thing to mention, you think confused. “What about it?”

“You came to me for sex.”, Joel says bluntly, no need to beat around the bush. This is it. This is how he loses you. Once again.

You stare at him and then, for some reason, look down in embarrassment. You’ve fucked him in almost every way you can think of and now the very admission of that fact makes you feel like an exposed nerve. It dawns on you, how far away this era has slipped away. You feel vulnerable as if you’re talking to a total stranger about your most intimate moments. At the same time, you still know exactly how to touch him, how to please him and a light warmth begins to shimmer inside you.

“Well, that’s one way of putting it, but- yeah..”, you admit, still nervously picking at your food with your fork.

Joel sees your apprehension but he presses on. This is what you asked for. “And I refused you.” The look on your face betrays your confusion. Where is he going with this? Only now, he sees more. He can finally see more. The hurt. The disappointment. “What happened next?” is his next question and does he really think that you can remember all these years later? Does he honestly believe that you can recall yourself leaving his office defeated and crying yourself to sleep? “I don’t remember.” you lie, shrugging your shoulders as convincingly as you can muster.

“You said you loved me and then you left.”, Joel reminds you.

“You- you remember all that?”, your eyes are wide and the look on your face vulnerable, Joel wants to pause it all and hold you in his arms.

“I can’t seem to forget anything about you,” he reveals, “believe me, I’ve tried.”

“What’s your point?”

“Why did you do that?”

“Uh.. why did I do what?”, you narrow your eyes in confusion.

His eyes are piercing yours, provoking you to figure it out on your own.

“Loved you?” He shakes his head almost imperceptibly.

Your eyes widen again, in surprise this time, as you finally see what he means.

“Walked away?” You’re fucking shocked to the core, your voice choked, you’re not sure you spoke out loud.

“Why didn’t you insist?”

Your mouth is wide open, you’re speechless, you flatter your eyelids in search of the right words. This is your second encounter and once again he says what you least expect him to say.

“You refused” you remind him now, “and I respected that.”, your hand moves to rest on your chest, palm open, to calm your racing heart.

“I didn’t want you to.”

“You know how that sounds, don’t you?”, you mock with a nervous laugh.

“Oh, please,” Joel is quick to respond, his brows knitted in a dismissive frown, “like you could ever force yourself on me.”

You genuinely are at a loss for words, your gaze unable to stay in one place, your mind running a million miles an hour.

Apparently you both are, because Joel is no better at explaining how he feels. “I wanted you to-”, he stops, his eyes still searching yours for the right words, pleading with you to feel him.

Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

It dawns on you. All at once. You see it all playing out. You know exactly how this conversation is going to go. “-claim you? You wanted me to claim you?”, your voice rises, as does your tone. You feel the presence of your abandoned friend again. You don’t want him here. But he creeps in through your veins, nonetheless. He is not giving up. If the pounding doesn’t work then he’ll poison you, slowly and persistently.

“From who? You were supposed to be mine!”, you exclaim exasperated, immediately correcting yourself “-not that I owned you, you know what-”

“That! That’s what I’m talking about!” Joel points his finger at you, “That’s what I needed. To be yours!”

“But you were! Are we really haggling over semantics? Of course you were mine! I just never wanted you to feel suffocated by me. You were not my possession Joel, you were my partner!”

“I swear to you, I would die a happy man, baby.”

“I- I tried so hard to control myself-” you mutter to yourself, rolling your eyes back to your head as you shake it in denial, “-all that hunger inside of me, eating me up-”

“What?” is Joel’s turn to look like a lost puppy. What the fuck is going on here?

“You,” you point a finger at him, “you were my first and last thought every passing day, it wasn’t even healthy anymore, Joel. But- I saw that look in your eyes sometimes, a hunger, one I thought mirrored mine and then it was gone in the blink of an eye and I thought that something was holding you back; I- I was holding you back. I thought- maybe I was undeserving..” you divert your eyes from him, embarrassed at your feeling of inadequacy, “So, I accepted what you gave me if it meant I could have any part of you.”

“Oh, baby..” Joel’s hiding his face in his palms and his heart breaks as he realizes where you both stand. How did the two of you get to this point? How could his judgment be so clouded, how could he be so blind to what was happening under his own roof? How could he be so arrogant as to seek validation, one he didn't even need, from someone else? Someone whose validation he didn't even care about. It didn't matter to him. She didn’t matter to him. How could he not sense the insecurity tantalizing your very core to the point of feeling inadequate? If only you had told him sooner.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” you mirror his thoughts with your voice.

“What should I say to you? I couldn’t put it into words, even now I'm not sure I can. It was an all-consuming feeling, an absolute necessity, an overwhelming need that was impossible to handle. I wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with it. I loved you with such force that it became an obsession. I couldn’t even entertain the idea that you might not want me back in the same way. I felt helpless, vulnerable. How could I come to terms with this? With the realization that I had fucked someone else just to get a rise out of you or to prove to myself that I didn't need you that much after all?”

Joel’s palms are clenched into fists on his thighs, trying to keep himself from pressing his lips against yours. Feelings and desires that had been buried in his subconscious for too long came back as he tried to make you understand.

“A r- so, you did fuck her on our bed on purpose.”

“You asked me that before, darlin’, I promise you I did not.”

“Then how would you provoke me if you didn’t mean for me to find out?” you look at him incredulously.

“I-” Joel winces, “it wasn’t a conscious thought, I just kept fantasizing about you finding out and burning the house down for me and that single image made me so h-” Joel shuts his mouth abruptly, not the best idea to describe to you how fuckin’ hard he got, fantasizing about you while fucking someone else. You, bursting into the bedroom all raging and furious, turning the whole place upside down reclaiming what was rightfully yours.

Him.

What a sick fuck he was. “I swear to you, no. I’m not that fucked up. It was a gigantic lack of judgment, I was fuckin’ drunk, my mind was a mess at that point. That whole week was-” he’s biting his tongue hard to stop himself while rubbing his forehead with his fingers, “I was just being an idiot.”

“The week I was gone?”

“Yes.”

“What about it?”

“Nothing, ‘snothing.” and he doesn’t elaborate. “Just a bad fuckin’ week.”

The atmosphere suddenly feels suffocating, as if all the words that have spilled out of both your mouths are hovering over your heads like a black cloud. You need some air to clear your mind, so you make your way out of the kitchen without looking back and walk slowly to the porch, sitting on the steps at the bottom of the stairs. You know he will follow. Your bare feet touch the soft soil beneath you and you try to ground yourself through the little patch of earth you call your own. It doesn’t quite work. There’s a beautiful golden glow, a last gift from the parting sun, warming your soul. Everything is going to be all right.

“Strange fantasies we both had.” you say as Joel seats down next to you, the contract once again a barrier between you. “You kept fantasizing about me finding out about your affair-”.

“It wasn’t an affair-” Joel corrects you. “Fine, fine. You imagined that, while I kept fantasizing me holding you so tightly while we fucked that our flesh became one; that’s how deep I needed you inside me, that’s how obsessively I wanted to carry you with me all the time, isn’t that totally fucked up?” you laugh dejectedly.

“I guess we are the same kind of fucked up. If only we could admit it to each other..”

“Did you really feel that I didn’t love you enough?” you whisper, almost too scared to be heard and to get an answer.

“I think we loved each other too much. I think we were both too afraid of losing each other. I think,” Joel pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts and calm his voice, “in our efforts to keep each other we did the exact opposite. More me than you, for sure. I have handled things badly and badly is an understatement.”

“You were always so patient with me. You’d always wait for me to come to you, to take my time. I needed the savage in you, or I thought I did at the time. That desperate thing I felt creeping out of you in stolen glances or bitten lips between your teeth, or when we fucked; no one has ever fucked me like you did. I did see all of you then, you know. And I think you saw all of me. If I made you feel confident or safe enough, you would have talked to me. And if I wasn’t so self-absorbed I would have asked.”

You never thought you’d hear these words from Joel, but all this time of self-reflection has changed him in a way that reminds you of the Joel you fell in love with. The one you could see behind all those layers of self-protection, the one you’d always hoped would emerge for you. And then he goes on, and you wish you knew what was coming so you could protect your heart from being torn to shreds.

“Maybe-” he closes his eyes looking pained, “maybe I was a narcissist. Maybe you gave me all you had and I kept wanting more, maybe I needed every part of you for myself. Maybe I needed you on your knees, on a leash, at my mercy, just to have the illusion of the certainty that you would never leave me. Maybe freedom is for those who can bear it, after all. Hell, maybe I was the one who needed the leash in the end. Maybe you gave me too much credit, my love, when you deemed me worthy of freedom.”

His words are earth-shuttering, obliterating, final. There’s nothing left to be said, at least nothing of substance. Final. The fucking word plays over and over in your head. Final. This is final. You could swear that you have felt every possible kind of pain during these four long years but new depths of agony are being discovered right now. The acid in your stomach makes your throat constrict. You feel petrified.

Joel can sense your distress, his words have been of no comfort to you. Your skin looks pale, covered with a thin layer of cold sweat; you look physically ill. Your forearms rest on your knees and he gently cups your elbow to check in on you. Are you OK? You smile weakly at him, the expression not reaching the corners of your eyes.

“You know I would give anything to take it all back, right?”

Your laughter is more lively now, not with malice or sarcasm, but with a sense of humor.

“Yeah, yeah, I think I do.”, you shake your head in twisted amusement, tilting your head up, to let the last rays of the sun warm your face, maybe bring back some of your lost color. It's getting dark now, the day is coming to an end, the curtains of the last sunlight are almost closed. Your eyes are closed too, your head still tilted back as you laugh to yourself, “You did that backwards, too, you know.”

“What?”

“You have burned everything to the ground, only to realize that you want to get it all back in one piece. I mean it’s- it’s-” you struggle to find the right words but Joel offers one of his own.

“Ridiculous..”

“I was gonna say pointless.. But that’s the thing, Joel. Choosing to be with someone is like faith. You believe because you just know. You don't have to find evidence to prove your choice at every turn, otherwise it’s just exhausting. You choose to trust yourself.”

“Trust me as your partner, you mean, not yourself.”

“Joel, it was never about trusting you..”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand..”

“I’m not sure how to explain it- uh..”, you raise your shoulders and your brows in unison as you shake your head slightly, searching for the words. “Trust is a personal journey. ‘Trust’ doesn't mean ‘trust in you’, I’m not trusting you. No one can be sure of anyone. ‘Trust’ means that I have faith in myself, that even if you hurt me, even if you abandon me, I will not fall apart. And..” you shrug your shoulders, hugging yourself with your hands, “look at me, Joel..”, you finish, suggesting that you’re still here, still standing.

“I am, baby; I am..” Joel replies, taking in the sight of you as if it were the last time he’ll ever have the chance to, utterly compelled by your inner glow.

“I’m not mad at you Joel, not anymore. And I believe you, I really do. But I can’t get that scene out of my head. I just can’t. I can still hear the sounds, I can even recall the way you smelled when you were standing next to me.”

His hands are shaking.

“I’m not trying to hurt you, really.”

“I know.”, his voice is barely audible.

“I think you’ve done enough of that yourself. Maybe it’s time to forgive yourself?”

“Do you?” Do you, really? Do you forgive him after all that has been said? Do all these confessions illuminate the facts from a different perspective? Does it change what he did and what you went through? And if so, does that mean you're letting him go? Are you leaving him behind? Is he leaving you behind? Why is it so hard to let go? Why do you choose the safety of the known, even when it hurts you?

You choose not to answer and instead firmly insist, “You have to forgive yourself, Joel, it’s okay.” Be the better person. If not for him, then for yourself. Let him go.

“I can’t do that.”, Joel is adamant, shaking his head while he rejects your request.

“Yes, you can.” you urge him again. “As I can and do.” Let him go.

Joel never thought he would listen to those words coming out of your mouth. He doesn’t deserve them. He hasn’t earned them. “You forgive me?”, he repeats in utter shock and disbelief.

“Yes.” Loud and clear as daylight.

“I- You can’t- I don’t- I don’t deserve that.” Joel feels like he’s drowning in your so graciously offered Holy Grail, desperately trying to keep his head above the waters of your absolution.

“I can’t be the judge of that, Joel, hell, I can’t be the judge of anyone. The way I see it, you chose your actions and I chose mine. You chose to hurt me and I chose to walk away. We both lost something. Have we not suffered enough, Joel?” you ask him honestly.

“I don’t want to presume, but- isn’t it a great burden to carry on your shoulders when you try to move on? All this anger, all that bitterness?” you search his eyes for an answer but he doesn’t give you one.

You continue, hoping to get through to him. “Your feelings are your burden Joel and it doesn’t matter if I forgive you. That’s why it is you who needs to forgive yourself.”

His eyes still refuse to meet yours, stubbornly glued to the ground. “I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for me. We need to move forward, both of us.” is the last thing you say to him, not knowing if he even listened to half of what you just said.

You both fall into a thoughtful silence, but something you said is bugging him. He can’t quite figure it out, so he turns to look at you, to savor you while he still has the chance. He knows that his time is limited.

You’re just sitting there with him, trying to comfort him, you of all people. You seem lighter now, fidgeting absentmindedly with your fingers as if some of your burden has already been lifted. And as his gaze sweeps over you, he sees it again. He sees the white shirt hugging your body and he knows what’s troubling him.

I don’t want to presume, I don’t want to presume, I don’t want to presume.

His heart beats rapidly in his chest, panic rising inside him.

“I’ve been with you for the last four years.”

“Excuse me?” your hands freeze as you turn to face him, clearly confused.

“You said you didn’t want to presume anything and I need to set the record straight. There was and is no other woman in my life except you.”

“Joel,” you blush shyly, “this is none of my business, you are free-”

“No. No. I need you to know this, it’s important to me. I meant everything I said. You have done nothing wrong. My feelings for you have never changed-”

“Joel, please..” you beg him to stop, you can’t have this conversation now, it’s too soon. No, you’re wrong. It’s too late; too soon means there’s a future ahead of you. A future where you both fit in the same universe.

“I don’t want you to think that I came all the way out here just to tie up some loose ends and move on. That is not what this is about.”

“If you expect me to tell you about my personal life..” your what now?

“No, I don’t. And I don’t think I could handle it, anyway. You are a free woman and you deserve the world. Unlike me; I don’t deserve anything and I’ll never be free of you.”

Your chin is now trembling and you bite your lower lip to stop the involuntary muscle contraction. You can’t decipher if it’s from anger for the way things came to be or from deep, excruciating sadness for how Joel feels. For how he makes you feel.

“Free woman, huh?”, you whisper bitterly, looking down at your feet, willing yourself not to cry.

“Yes, free, as you should always have been and I’m sorry I couldn’t see it sooner.”

Joel then picks up the divorce papers from the floor next to him as he’s fishing a pen out of his pocket. He stares at you and then at the blank space where his signature should be, next to yours. He splays his palm over the last page as if to straighten it out, but it almost looks like he’s caressing it. He brings the ball of the pen to the white surface and for a moment his hand lingers over it. He doesn’t dare look at you again, his resolve is not that strong. Finally, finally he signs, filling the empty spot and he hands you the contract. It’s a strange moment, the one before the signature and the one after it.

Everything seems to be the same; it is just a signature.

Everything feels completely different; it is not just a signature.

Your fingertips brush his as you reach out to take it, the touch sending shivers down your spine. Your slightly trembling hands hold the papers gently, not sure you wanna hold on to them or scatter them on the ground. Your thumb swipes softly over his signature.

You feel it, now. You feel the ground beneath your bare feet, the warmth of the earth, the weight of your footing. The falling has stopped. The feather finally rests. You have landed.

Joel moves to stand on his feet, as you keep staring at the drying ink, when you feel something fall from above onto your thumb; but you can’t see anything as it is immediately absorbed by the hungry pores of the paper, slightly smudging his signature. You look up to catch him as he dries his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.

“Free as a bird, baby, ready to fly over the world.”, Joel smiles at you with a look of reverence and devotion in his eyes.

You picture the floating feather in your head and smile back at him with a serenity he hasn’t seen in a long time.

“I think I just want to walk for a while. One step at a time.”

He nods, his eyes still full of emotion and you watch as he begins to walk slowly towards his truck, when suddenly he turns his body to face you but continues to walk backward in the same direction.

“Hey!” he calls to you with a mischievous smile, raising his chin to you.

“Yeah?” you answer, your voice wavering slightly as you try to hide your smile.

“Can I take you to dinner sometime?” he asks as he reaches for his driver’s door and opens it, waiting for your answer, which never comes because you think he’s joking. But he continues to stare at you, with no expectations, quietly, earnestly, sincerely, with a soft, shy smile on his lips. Oh.

Oh.

“Joel..” is all you breathe out, closing your eyes for a moment before you look at him again, because his name is all that is left in your very being right now. Joel.

He seems lighter, too.

“Maybe, one day..?”

“Yeah.. Maybe, one day..”

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Taglist: @southernbe, @orcasoul, @auteurdelabre @leggtostandon @sarahhxx03

@zliteraturehoe @msmorningstaarr @gossipgirl-03 @vabeachazn @joeldjarin

@sofiparallel

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rakkaseip · 1 month

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Can I request headcanons for Astarion reacting to GN reader who's straightforward & always asks for consent/confirmation? Like they misunderstand easily so they always ask for clarification especially when the person they're talking is beating around the bush/being subtle, & they want to be sure with the person that they have permission/the person truly doesn't mind (because they have encountered people telling them to do something even the person is uncomfortable about it) to do a specific task even if the person is the only who requested!

Astarion With a Straightforward Reader

Notes: Hope this is right, if there's anything wrong let me know! Kept it completely gender neutral! CW: mentions of Astarion's past, sexual themes

He's very confused at first, he's not used to people caring about his consent. It's foreign to him but definitely not unwelcome!

He feels bad at first, especially after trying to use you for his own gain.

When you continuously ask if he's sure about intimacy he'll tell you you're overthinking yourself and act sassy, but it actually makes him swoon.

He loves that you care about his consent so much you have to keep asking, even if it's about kissing.

He holds your face with his hand and kisses your forehead, reassuring you that yes, it's okay.

"Astarion, are you sure it's okay if I kiss you?" you ask , slightly nervous. You study his face, looking into his eyes and body language to see any hesitation. He lets out a huff and smiles at you sweetly, "Why, darling, of course it's okay." he tells you softly, as he snakes his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him. "Are you sure? It's okay if you don't want to, I won't be mad I promise." He looks into your eyes lovingly, his gaze holds nothing but pure love and adoration. "I want to, my love." Before you can ask again, he lifts your chin and kisses you softly. It felt like forever, so much love and care just in one kiss, it made his heart melt. He pulls away to admire you with half lidded eyes, his thumb touching your bottom lip. "I do rather like that, you know." He whispers, before pulling you back in again.

And when he changes his mind, he worries for a moment, what if you get upset? When you tell him it's okay and you're not gonna make him do anything that makes him uncomfortable, he feels a wave of relief wash over him.

He reassures you that he won't tell you he wants to do something when he doesn't, he doesn't want you to feel guilt like that with him.

You and Astarion were in the middle of a heated moment, almost half naked, hands all over each other. Kissing lead to hair tugging, to light grinding, to full on making out. Astarion started to feel uneasy, thinking about his past victims. His stomach started to turn, he was no longer in the mood. But how was he going to tell you now? You'd be disappointed, he'd hate to upset his love. What if you abandoned him for Gale? He began hesitating with each kiss you exchanged, the thoughts overwhelming him. Sensing this, you pull away and look into his eyes with worry. "My love, why did you stop? Did I do something?" Astarion asked, almost too quickly. He was terrified in this moment, terrified you would hate him. "Are you sure you want to do this? If you're uncomfortable please tell me, dear." You speak softly as you distance yourself slightly from him and hold his hand, your thumb caressing his knuckles. "No- well, I don't know, I started thinking about.." He paused before heaving a heavy sigh, "Cazador, and his victims and-" he stopped his rambling and looked at you in fear. "Are you going to leave me because I stopped? We can keep going if it'll make you happy." He says as he attempts to reinitiate, but you stop him. "No, Astarion, I won't leave you. It's okay I promise. I'm not going to leave you, I would never leave you over this." You hold his face with both of your hands, he looks as if he could cry at any moment, he was so delicate and brittle in your hands. "It's okay to say no, I promise I'm not mad." You reassure him once more, and he smiles. He doesn't know what he was so worried about when he has someone like you.

#astarion x reader #headcannons #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 x reader #astarion #i love this man sm

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kvrokasaa · 3 months

Text

Please, Don't Leave Me

Karasu x reader

cw: Gn!pronouns but afab!reader, reader has female genitalia, implied cunnilingus, and sex, suggestive themes at the end, angst-ish, fluff, kinda forced plot ngl, Karasu's accent might be off, not proofread, Otoya being respectful to a woman 😨, Isagi and Bachira are mentioned once.

2.5k words

Today felt off. Well, more specifically, the past week has felt off. You don’t know if you’re the only one feeling this way. But it’s like the shift in your relationship has turned.

Every time you try and get attention from your boyfriend, he waves you off. Literally. He waves his hand, acting as if you’re a fly pestering him.

You don’t know what started this behavior. Just two weeks ago you both were fine. Visiting your family and having a nice time. You know it wasn’t anything your family said, they don’t pry into your relationships. But you can’t seem to figure it out for the life of you.

Just last night when you came over to his place, you tried to ask if he wanted to watch a movie with you. It was movie night, every week you both dedicate a night to watching movies, whatever happens, happens. But Karasu simply shrugged and said, “ ’s late and I have early practice tomorrow.”

Karasu never shrugs off movie night.

As to get some clarification for why this is happening, you decide to show up at his practice. And it wasn’t early morning, which made you even more confused.

So much questions and so little answers.

As you make your way to the field, they stopped playing for minute to catch their breaths and drink some water, you pass by a few of his teammates. They all give you confused glances.

You’ve never once showed up to his practices. Only to his games. It’s not because you didn’t want to, he just never asked and you didn’t want to intrude.

You carry a little bag in your hand. He forgot his lunch and, being a good s/o, you decided to bring it with you.

“Hey baby,” the words come out as you rest your head on his back. “You forgot your lunch, here.”

You hand him the bag. It’s already past noon, but you’re guessing he didn’t have anything to eat unless his friends offered some of their food.

He only grunted in response and took the bag from your hand, rather forcefully too. “Thanks.” His response was curt.

He made his way to the benches and set the bag down.

“Why have you been ignoring me,” you’re not sure ignoring was the right word, but it was among the similarities of the traits he’s been showing you this past week. “I’m not ignoring ya.” His voice was laced with malice. You don’t know why, but your body reacted before your brain as it flinched a little.

His words, even the mean ones, never seemed to startle you. But after the agonizing thoughts every night, which caused less and less sleep, you couldn’t think straight. Which resulted in your body moving before you could think to stop it.

If he was concerned or remorseful about his attitude, he didn’t show it. His face was hardened and still, as if it was sculpted.

“It doesn’t feel like that. You’ve been putting me off all week. Not even a good morning text. What’s…” Your voice died off as you saw him turn around and glare at you. He’s acting like you broke one of his million dollar vases, which he does own unironically.

“Is that what ya want? A ‘good morning’ text, a ‘how was your day?’ text? I’m working my ass off all day to provide for me and you and yer complaining that I don’t show enough love? Just be grateful for once in our fucking relationship.”

You wanted to bite back, to tell him that you work too. Sure your job doesn’t pay as well as his does, but he also has the inheritance from his family to back him up. You don’t. You get up every morning and work, you don’t complain either. Sure, what you’re doing now can be classified as complaining, but you rarely ever open your mouth to complain. And you are grateful, you don’t know how many times you’ve been grateful in your relationship with him. It’s not a chore for you, but he’s acting like you’ve never said, ‘thank you,’ to him once.

But you bite your tongue when he opens his mouth again. “I don’t think ya understand, Y/n. I play soccer for me; this is the only chance I get to be away from you. But now you show up and have to ruin everything. Get it through yer thick skull, I don’t want you around unless it’s necessary.”

Your eyes widen at his last sentence. Did he think you were a chore to be around? Did he only want you around when he felt it was convenient? Did he ever think of you as his s/o?

You aren’t one to cry in public places, sometimes you even hold back your tears in your own bedroom. You don’t like the feeling of tears sliding down your cheeks. You hate the feeling of pain and failure. You’ve never even cried in front of your own boyfriend and you have been together for six months now.

But you can’t stop the tear from falling down your cheek and onto the grassy field. You manage to stop the next one, and the one after that. You sniffle and nod your head. You have nothing left to say to him, if he wants space, then you’ll give him space. This is just him setting his boundaries, right?

Right.

“Okay.” You don’t know how, but you manage to hold your head up and keep your tears at bay, along with your voice neutral. “If you really feel that way, then I’ll leave.”

There were many implications behind your words. You could mean the relationship or just the field where you stand in now. You honestly don’t know which one of them you meant. But you let your legs take you away from his one happy place.

He chose his career over you, and you’re fine with that. But you being fine with that doesn’t mean you will settle into this little routine.

You’ll dip your feet into the water, see how much of an impact his words leave in your relationship. If you don’t like the ripples in the water, then you’ll just leave.

He hears scoffs and snorts from his team as he snaps back to reality. “What the fuck dude? All they did was ask you a simple question.” Isagi chimes in. “Yeah man. You did not need to blow up that like.”

Otoya looks over at Isagi and nods his head, “I’m going with Isagi on this one.”

Karasu scoffs. “Shut it, fuckboy. You-” “Don’t tell me what to do moron. You made them fucking cry.”

He made you cry? You’ve never cried before, at least not in front of him. Was he so lost in thought that he didn’t even see your tears? Did his words hurt you that much?

“You gotta fix this before it’s too late~.” Bachira voiced Karasu's thoughts.

...

Your house seems bare and lonely without the smile on your face, or the warm touches from him. Your plants seem to reflect your emotions, droopy and sad.

You make your way to your bedroom, ready to sulk in bed for the rest of the day. Thanks to it being a weekend, you have the day off. Which means you could sulk for as long as you want.

You pull the weighted blanket onto your body and sigh contentedly at the comfort. This is the only comfort you need right now, a stupid rom-com, some junk food, and a good amount of weight.

Your phone goes off before you can delve into the movie too much. You sigh, already knowing who it’s from. You picked it up and just as you guessed, Karasu.

He had a written a whole paragraph about how sorry he is and that he would be glad to make it up to you. You opted to just text him back with:

It’s alright. I know you didn’t mean it haha, it’s late so I’ll talk in the morning. Goodnight!

You already know that he’s going to think something’s up. Let him, he deserves the cold shoulder, an insidious voice sang in the back of your mind. As much as you want to brush the voice away, you know that it’s true. He does deserve the cold shoulder. You’ve been nothing but good to him and he treats you like this?

You let your thoughts run wild and finally determine that you'll respect his words for a bit. If he wants you to leave him alone, you'll leave him alone. You won't go to his practices and games or make him his lunches anymore.

A few hours passed by as you dwelled in your bed. You should probably text some of your friends and ask for a night out. But honestly, you just wanted to stay in and eat all the junk you can.

You've watched at least three rom-com movies; some made you laugh and some made you cry. You want to say that you mainly cringed, but what you mainly did was wish Karasu could act like some of the male leads.

Yeah, he remembers your favorite food and gets you as many things as you want. But you wish he would put away his pride and apologize.

Before you knew it, your eyes drifted off while your mind rambled about Karasu.

...

The smell of pancakes and eggs woke you from your slumber. You yawned and stretched your muscles as you made your way out of bed. You weren't too shocked to see Karasu in your kitchen with the 'kiss the cook' apron you gifted him as a joke on his birthday.

When you two had an argument, he would always cook you food, buy you things, and spend the entire day with you. But those things are meaningless after the argument you had the other day.

But you still let him try.

He smiles when he sees your sleepy face. But his smile turned into a pout when he saw your runny mascara and puffy/red eyes. He did that. He made you cry. Karasu walks up to you and brings you into his arms.

"I'm sorry pretty baby," he kissed your forehead. "I don't deserve you."

You snort at that; there's something you both can agree on. He smiles when he hears your snort. Step one: make you laugh: check.

You both sit at the table and eat the delicious food he made. Contrary to popular opinion, Karasu is actually a good cook. The food was gone in minutes.

"I have a game tomorrow," he says as he chews the last bite on his plate. "I can reserve a front-row seat for you, like always."

You give him a kind smile; you want to say no but his puppy eyes are too tempting. "Okay." Your response was curt, you didn't mean anything by it. But Karasu took it as you giving the same attitude he gave you yesterday. He pouted and grabbed your hand, smoothing his thumb over your knuckles. "I wanna hear ya cheering f'me, okay?" You nodded your head and he smiled at that, bringing your hand up and kissing it. "That's my pretty baby."

You two spent the whole day talking and shopping. You got the things you needed and wanted, and even more things that Karasu thought would look good on you.

The gifts made you smile, but they held most of the weight behind your fake smile. You didn't want to speak out that you didn't need these meaningless things, you just wanted him to hug you and tell you that he loves you. You know that you just have to speak up about these things, but you don't want to start another argument.

Your tongue was bit through the entire day and night with him.

...

You woke up a bit later than intended, but the sleep was welcomed and needed. You felt like the pain and memories of the past few days have been erased.

You felt like you were forgetting something. You yawned and turned on your phone, then it hit you.

Karasu's soccer game. It's 1:30 in the afternoon, you're sure the game is already halfway through. And it's a thirty-minute drive to the stadium. Which means when you get there, it'll be almost over. So, there's no point in going. So you opted to just grab something to eat and turn on Netflix. Yeah, you feel bad, but honestly, Karasu deserves this. Maybe he'll remember not to catch an attitude with you for no reason.

Karasu on the other hand, is distraught. He doesn't remember how many times he's looked over at the stands.

He thought that you were over the other day. He apologized and made it up to you. He took you shopping and to your favorite restaurant.

His mind was elsewhere and he couldn't get into the flow of the game. His kicks weren't on point and his precision was flawed. The coach called him in and swapped for another player.

"Get your shit together or leave."

Karasu took the latter; he needs to see you.

The drive was long originally, but his thoughts made it longer. Every second he wasn't with you, he felt that it was another second you could up and leave his life.

He finally got there and quickly unlocked your door with the spare key. No boxes, nothing packed, nothing is gone. Air came back into his lungs, and he could finally breathe again.

He rushed to your room, his pout getting deeper as he saw you on your bed watching Netflix.

Your eyes widened as he rushed into your room. You swear this man will give you cardiac arrest one of these days. "What..What are you doing here?" Your eyes followed him as he stalked to your side of the bed where you were lying. "Your game, it hasn't even ended yet." He grabbed your hands before he answered, bringing them up to his cheeks.

"Baby, I'm sorry for being a dickhead, but doncha think it's rude to not come when I asked ya to?" He almost whined out. You pouted as you rubbed his cheeks with your thumbs, "I'm sorry," you cooed out. "My handsome boy, I didn't mean to."

He shook his head, "No, don't apologize baby. I shouldn't have yelled at ya. Forgive me, yeah? Just please, don't leave me." He pouted, "I don't think I can go any longer without yer kisses and hugs." He doesn't remember when he got so romantic and cheesy. He used to laugh at people who were obsessed with their s/o and used to call them mediocre. But now here he is, so fucking obsessed with you. He feels like he can't breathe when you don't give him your love. He lives off it.

"I love ya so much, my pretty baby." He brought one of your hands to his lips, peppering kisses all of it as he looked into your eyes. "Ya don't gotta say it back, jus want ya to know."

And you did know, especially through his actions. The way he kisses you, the way he dotes on you, and the way he ate you out for hours. No amount of whines and pleads for him to stop, no amount of " 's too much," were enough to stop him. His tongue and his groans against you made you feel both pain and pleasure. Karasu loves you so much and proved that while he fucked you all night.

a/n: His accent, his smile, him <3333 Karasu is just ahbsdjsdhsdje. I'm acting up for this man

#bllk #bllk x reader #bllk x you #karasu tabito #karasu tabito x reader #karasu angst #karasu smut #bllk smut #bllk fluff #blue lock #bllk karasu #blue lock fluff #blue lock x you

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factual-fantasy · 28 days

Note

Heya Factual! Wanted to give ya a million pats on the back for the new art- obviously it looks great as always- but also I'm always excited for new Grimace lore! The monopoly gag was hilarious- I actually thought it was serious for a moment- and then I was ecstatic to see him finally evolve into a Gengar- now he looks even more like Grimace than ever before!

Seeing him evolve reminded me of an interesting fact that I wanted to tell you and Grimace- it's been recently confirmed that Gengar is actually the favorite Pokemon of Atsushi Nagashima, the game director of the entire Pokemon TCG! He said during a recent tour that that's the reason Gengar gets so many cards every year- is because he just likes him a whole lot! So anytime Grimace is feeling down, he can remember that he and his kin hold a special place in the heart of the man responsible for balancing their very existence- at least on the table top!

As for my usual Mario stuff- thanks again for answering my last batch of Asks- I think your implementation of Snifits especially will work quite well! And as for today- I just wanted to keep it simple, and ask for some clarifications regarding an already existing species in the AU, if that's okay, that being the spooky scary dry bones!

You've mentioned them a couple times I'm the past- I believe as creations of Kamek- but I don't think you've ever drawn them- any ideas what they'd look like in your style? Would they maintain any semblance of their former selves- or be mindless zombies like in the movie? What would be involved in creating one? And would the spell only work on normal koopas- or would it be used to raise other creatures- perhaps even deceased royal Koopas to create dry Bowsers!?

And also as a sort of side Ask- have you seen the Super Mario Bros Movie yet? If you have what did you think? I noticed you mention it in the last post regarding the Snifits- but I couldn't tell if you were talking about the trailer or the film itself...

(Oh, and as always, thanks for taking the time to answer all our Asks- hope you're finally over the hill and feeling a bit better!)

@neo-metalscottic (Monopoly gag post) (Gengar evolve post)

Thank you so much!! :DD I'm glad you had fun with those posts! XDD And that's so interesting! :0 I would have thought his favorite Pokémon was Pikachu XDD

Now for your dry bones questions...

As for the royal koopas thing.. When Kamek beings something to live/back to life. They are basically just a mindless zombie. They hold no memories of their old selves it seems.. so when a royal koopa dies, they just let them rest. Becuase bringing them back to life would just make them this mindless drone.. not only would it be disgusting and depressing, but its also probably seen as rather disrespectful. To bring someone of such high status back to life as a mindless slave is just.. not great. Hence why Bowsers wife was simply buried when she passed. There's nothing Kamek could do to bring the real her back..

As for the dry bones, I have a solid concept. Buuuut I'm not super sure how it fits into the AU quite yet..

I was thinking that however many years ago.. there was some kind of war or battle that the koopa kingdom was involved in. And they were losing. They were losing too many soldiers.. So out of desperation.. The current king and queen ordered Kamek to do the unthinkable. Bring their fallen soldiers back to life..

They won the battle. But at a cost. Now the majority of their army/citizens are these mindless zombies.. its hard to say how much of the original koopa remains in these dry bones.. since they don't seem to have any memories of their past life..

The remaining living koopas would eventually repopulate and grow in in numbers. They would also learn to live along side the dry bones.. But its always really disturbing to be a koopa and seeing your great grandfather's corpse mindlessly wandering the streets.. still wearing the same armor he was wearing when he died during the great war..

As for their appearance, I actually pictured them being rather large skeletons. A lot of them are missing limbs or have broken bones.. they are all wearing old timey armor that they had on during the war. They are rather mindless and unresponsive to most things.. Though I imagine when some kind of danger is spotted, they suddenly jump to life and become really animated. Rushing towards the threat and neutralizing it swiftly and violently. Just like the soldiers did back in the day..

Once the threat is neutralized, they slump their shoulders. And begin to slowly wander again…

There's a lot I would like to do with this. I wanna experiment with the koopas interacting with the dry bones. Perhaps covering them in flowers to pay respects but to also make them seem less scary to children..

Perhaps some koopa families find their relatives and guide them by the hand back home and have them participate in family gatherings. Maybe its their way of coping.. or they're just showing love. "No matter how far gone you seem or how long ago you died, I still love you. And you are still apart of this family." 🥺

Sometime I'd like to draw them on my pc. But as it stands I'm still rather unwell and cant sit at my desk for very long 😭💔

As a last note, I did finally watch the Mario movie! :D... IIIIt was about what I expected. <XD

Other than Mario and Luigi's relationship being spot on? I found myself rolling my eyes the whole movie. Its probably safe to say that I'm not the target audience and that most people had a lot of fun with it.

And hey! If I didn't like the movie, I can just make my own Mario universe. Which is what I did! XDD

#my response #super mario bros #thanks a ton for the ask!! :DD #dry bones

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1moremilgram-enjoyer · 5 months

Text

A Theory on the Kayanos' Murders

CW Violent murder, blood, mention of dismemberment

Hello members of the jury! I'm currently writing a few posts regarding the prisoners' murders and forgiveness and all that, so I decided I would explain my full theory on what the Kayanos' murders are, since while it's nothing out of the norm (I think), my exact interpretation gets a bit specific. And thus, I want to put all the evidence I have for my claims in one post so I don't sound insane when discussing these two.

(Yes despite what my previous posts may imply I actually believe Twokoto now lol. I still think Trikoto is perfectly fine, I just think Twokoto makes a bit more sense currently)

Again, it's nothing too wild; I believe Mikoto killed someone on the side of the road, the trauma from that caused John to be 'born', and then John killed at least two other people because he knew they were causing Mikoto trouble.

Claim 1: John killed people

A big part of this post is going to rely on the windows in Double. In case you're not aware, it's generally agreed that white windows are related to Mikoto while black windows are related to John. It's easy to tell from the first chorus, the start of the second verse, and the second chorus. Mikoto to the left, John to the right.

Additionally, when the windows are white, the train seems to be moving to Mikoto's left to the right (perspective from the first chorus), while when the windows are dark it moves from John's right to his left. This gives the impression that Mikoto and John are sitting across from each other, with Mikoto on the left side of the train and John on the right side. Here, I made a graph to help with the perspective because it is a bit mindfucky.

(Clarification: when I say "Mikoto's perspective" I actually mean our perspective while looking at Mikoto. Same with John. Apologies for the confusion)

Of course, that's assuming they actually are on the same train, going in the same direction, but I don't think that's too wild an assumption to make.

It's important to note this doesn't have anything to do with the window colors, which are exclusively used to differentiate alters, with the exception of the very end where John is seen with white windows long story. Rather, this perspective thing is a surprise tool which will help us later.

Anyways, now that we know the window thing, it's not hard to see how John has killed at least one person.

I mean, yeah. He sure do be killing in that shot. Black windows, so this is John. There's also this:

Although the kill itself has white windows in the background, the train compartment it happens in has dark windows.

Plus there's the whole "I saved you, right?" in the past tense. It can't be referring to John taking the fall for Mikoto's murder (we'll get there), since Mikoto hasn't been saved from that yet. Instead, it sorta has to be about John previously killing people that were stressing Mikoto out. Especially when looking at other lines like:

[Double] You’re overdoing it, you’re already broken But if you persist, I guess it’s my job to keep things on an even keel Me, the other you I’ll take it all on

The use of present tense in "you're overdoing it" implies this is being sung at a time when Mikoto is overworking, and it's now that John will "keep things on an even keel." Combined with him picking up the metal bat here, it seems he's talking about killing to ease Mikoto's issues.

Which, speaking of, I should probably say why John would kill anyone.

Claim 2: John's Motivations

[Neoplasm] Es: Can I ask… why you killed them? John: They annoyed me. Es: Who did you kill? John: Just someone who was walking around nearby. Es: … How many did you kill? John: Can't remember. I was first born back then, you know. It's kinda fuzzy.

Now, these claims aren't the most trust-worthy, but we'll get there when we get there. For now, all we have as a stated motive is "they annoyed [me]" (no pronoun used, it's ambiguous who they actually annoyed) and "to save Mikoto." The good news is that we actually did sorta see a situation where John tried to kill someone, meaning we can get an idea of what his modus operandi is.

I'm referring to the point in John Doe where John attacks Es.

[John Doe] Mikoto: I became a murderer… without even knowing it…? There's no way, no way… Es: Let's give it some time. The threads of your memory might untangle themselves eventually. Mikoto:*Gasping* Es: A murderer without memory of killing… in which case, how should I think of you… Hey, Mikoto– John: AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!

Es does absolutely nothing between the time John starts fronting and when John attacks them. And if you look further, Es doesn't do much else. That means either John has some idea of what was going on before he started fronting, or he can feel Mikoto's resentment even though he isn't the one fronting.

This is where I acknowledge I am not an expert in DID, I'm not a system, and because of that there is a high chance I get stuff wrong, please correct me if I say anything stupid!

Although I unfortunately can't find any better sources for this than some Reddit threads, from what I understand it's possible for one alter to feel the emotions of a different alter who isn't fronting. This means John could have known Mikoto was getting really frustrated with Es, and decided Es had to die for that. However, it's unclear how much John knew about the situation, since he never says anything too specific.

As a result, it's possible John is willing to attack people because he can feel Mikoto hates them, even if he isn't fully sure why Mikoto might be frustrated at them. On the other hand, perhaps John does retain memory of what Mikoto goes through even when Mikoto is fronting. Again, I can't find good sources on how this works, but from what I've seen some systems do have alters which can share memories to an extent. I really hope I'm not saying anything horrendously stupid lol.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that regardless of how it happens, John's desire to kill his victim(s) comes from Mikoto's frustrations with those people.

[Neoplasm] John: …! … I think… I might be the person Mikoto wishes he was. The person who stubbornly stands his ground, who doesn't cry himself to sleep from stress, who gives people their payback.

The fact he's represented by the Devil card, which is associated with people's darkest desires, supports the idea his actions are an extension of Mikoto's wishes.

This can also be inferred from the "neuron" scene in Double. You know the one, the one that goes "Doesn't matter if you didn't wish for it, can't get rid of me now". I interpret those silver star things to be representative of neurons, and it's animated in the way it is to represent Mikoto's thoughts (the words in blue) reaching John's conscious at the bottom (the red). I hope that makes sense.

So in short, I believe John found out Mikoto was getting bothered by certain people, and that's why he killed them.

Claim 3: Mikoto killed a guy

Alright so now the harder one to prove. Let me add up all the evidence.

Point #1: Mikoto is the Milgram prisoner, not John

This one is pretty straightforward. Since Milgram doesn't gather every single murderer in the world, John not being a prisoner doesn't mean he didn't kill. But the inverse is potentially true; if Mikoto is a prisoner, then he must have killed someone. Unless there's more alters and one of them is the prisoner, this makes some sense.

The counter-argument is that Milgram is very clearly not designed for systems, so it's possible Mikoto is only the prisoner because he's the host and no other reason. Still, it's worth keeping in mind.

Point #2: A murder on light windows

Take a look at this scene from Double.

As you can see, the way this is framed, it looks as if Mikoto is running away from John. Down to the horror movie motifs of "victim running - persecutor walking." This time, the windows on both sides of Mikoto are white, while the windows on both sides of John are black, instead of there being white and black across from each other.

Looking at the scene, which I can't really show you with still images and will need you to confirm yourself, is that John and Mikoto are moving in the same direction as the train. You can tell based on the relative speed of the objects outside. And yet, there's body parts outside of the train, which move from the front to the back. On the white windows. Which represent Mikoto. And there's an entire window between the left of the screen (where for all we know the windows could change) and where the blood appears. Here's a diagram.

So, uh, Mikoto? Who the hell killed that guy? It certainly wasn't John, especially because the body parts are outside. John was the one who got onto the train (see: cigarette), so I would argue a murder outside could imply it was performed by Mikoto, who notably doesn't usually ride trains. Although I'm not sure that reasoning makes sense to anyone but me.

However, the body being outside presents a much bigger issue for Mikoto's innocence. When John swings, and apparently causes something similar to happen, he's inside. We don't see the mannequin he supposedly hits, and God knows how the pieces ended up outside. Not to mention he for some reason swings at where the legs would be, instead of at the head like all the other attacks we see.

My point here is that this murder makes very little sense if John is supposed to have caused it. Because of all that, to me, this represents John taking the fall for Mikoto's one kill. Unlike the other John murders, which show the "victim" and make physical sense, this one doesn't show the victim and has inconsistencies because John didn't do it. The murder was originally in the white windows, and John is scrambling to make it look like it happened on the black windows, even though that doesn't really work as shown by the diagram above.

Am I taking these scenes too literally? Maybe, but even symbolically, what does it mean if blood appears when the windows are white? Surely there's at least a chance it's Mikoto doing this murder.

Point #3: 3rd Anniversary artwork

Let's first establish what the 3rd anniversary art usually represents. It's been pointed out by many before me that these pieces are closely connected to the prisoners' murders. This is clearest with Muu, Amane and Kotoko.

Muu is wearing her school outfit, but she has a shoe off, just like she did when she killed Rei.

Amane is wearing her Magic outfit, but she's holding her thunder wand, which places this image near her murder. Specifically right before her murder, as she's still wearing her black bow tie instead of her cloud medal thing.

Kotoko is holding her Jacques Roulet cap, a hat she usually only uses alongside her blue and yellow jacket. The only exception is during her murder, where she's wearing the outfit we see in the anniversary artwork while the cap rests on the floor.

The others all hold up with this hypothesis. Yuno is wearing her yellow shirt, the one she's wearing in Tear Drop near the end when she lets out a tear, presumably representative of her murder. Fuuta is wearing the hoodie and mask he wears throughout Bring it On, and he's holding his phone, which does fit doxxing Killcheroy even though it's more generic. Kazui and Mahiru are wearing the outfits they wear in the scenes of their respective lovers' death. Haruka wears his Weakness plain white outfit, which could point to any moment of his narrative, including the murder. And the only times we see Shidou physically kill (cutting off flowers), he's wearing the floral jacket he wears in the artwork.

I want to be clear. For most of them, the relation to the murder could just be because they don't have many outfits in their MVs. However, Muu's, Amane's and Kotoko's feel extremely intentional, and the fact none of the other ones contradict this trend makes it feel like it could be universal.

Which gets us to Mikoto's artwork. And in his artwork, he's holding (what looks to be) a vape pen. John smokes cigarettes, so that's definitely Mikoto. In the murder artwork. So, uh. Yeah. That certainly feels like he must have killed at least one person.

The only small contradiction is that his beanie is nowhere to be found, which is why I don't consider this definitive. However, the fact they specifically chose to make Mikoto hold a vape pen when every other prisoner can easily be connected to the murder feels... intentional.

Point #4: Swing and a hit

More Double screenshots.

So a few weird things. For starters, let's get something straight: there's two murders depicted here. Notice how the first image shows a Kayano swinging with a right-handed swing, then the second shows John (black windows) doing a left-handed swing. The important thing isn't the type of swing, but the fact they're different.

(I know I made some posts at one point about dominant hands, but as my beloved and extremely smart mutual accirax pointed out a lot of the time Milgram characters switch hands because it looks better for the animation, so they're sorta ambidextrous by default lol)

It's not hard to realize if you try to follow the motion yourself. The only way this works is if he swings one way, then the other, which doesn't fit the fact all mannequins are usually destroyed after just one hit. And it's not like it's an animation issue: you can literally fix this by flipping the image.

... Okay it does look a bit awkward but I think it works well enough. It's less weird than the swing changing mid-way through.

To me, this is similar to what I talked about before with the white window murder. John's subconscious trying to convince itself this was John by thinking back to a different murder that has nothing to do with this one. I have no idea if that makes sense.

And then there's the fact the background in the first image is pure white. This doesn't have to mean the one fronting is Mikoto, but why leave it ambiguous if it would have worked perfectly fine with black windows in the background?

Hell, actually, who says we're on the train? This is the only scene in the entirety of Double (apart from the mom phone call) where it's unclear whether we're on the train or not. And as we established, if there is a murder outside the train, it would probably be Mikoto murdering.

And don't get me started on the blood, the eye, and the noise in the background.

First, the background noise in this scene famously has baby crying noises. Could it be we're witnessing John's "birth"? Because if that's the case, then either John was born during the phone call with the mother, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense if you think about it, or John was born during or after the murder on screen.

This actually fits with the close-up of the eye. Despite the fact that "right-hand swing Kayano" seems pretty chill as he attacks the mannequin, right as the scene end, his pupils become smaller as if he's surprised by something. But what would he be surprised about? To me, it feels like "right-hand swing Kayano" was perhaps dissociating (I think that's the right term, please correct me if I'm wrong), and then John is born. Naturally, John gets surprised by the fact the first thing he sees is a dead person, explaining the odd reaction.

Funnily enough, this is actually supported by the very strange blood behavior. It's hard to describe, so bear with me. You see how there's one big orb at the center of the screen? And it starts with one small drop, which enters the orb, and then three small droplets come out the other side? Uh... Diagram?

This isn't normal blood behavior, of course (<- not that I know what normal blood behavior actually is, but I know how liquids work and this ain't it). It's imagery of something splitting, which in the context of alters, fits alongside the baby noises and the weird reaction to murder. Although I fully acknowledge the blood thing falls into the territory of "am I reading too much into this or is Milgram just insane?", so you know. Take it with a few metric tons of salt.

(Funnily enough, it does split into three things. Trikoto win? It doesn't convince me, but the interpretation is valid)

To recap, we have a strange murder with a white background, possible misdirection by showing a completely unrelated murder performed by John, baby noises, imagery of something splitting, and a reaction to the murder which could support an alter being born in that very moment. All of this could imply this "right-hand swing murder" is the moment John is born, which would mean the actual murderer is Mikoto.

Point #5: The tarot spreads in MeMe

This one is very abstract, but it can definitely point to Mikoto murdering someone. Take a look at the two different spreads we see in the first chorus (the first one flashes twice but it's the same).

These things are really complicated, and I should probably do a post about them at some point, but I'm gonna focus on the main things, that being the changes between the two spreads.

For starters, we see that the "querent" card, the one in the middle of The Wheel, is the reversed Hanged Man. Since this is the portrait besides The Fool in the water world thing, it can be assumed the reversed Hanged Man represents Mikoto. Thus, these are his spreads.

Then, the Outcome card of the first spread is the Devil. Since the Devil card on its own also flashes after the second spread, it can be assumed the Devil is also the Outcome of the second spread, as that's the only card which is not visible. Then, as stated before, the Devil card is related to John. This means the Outcome of the situation depicted in these spreads is John. In other words, this is the situation which led to John appearing.

Now we have to establish how we're supposed to read these things. I've explained it in another post, but basically, the only way we can tell how we're supposed to read the cards in The Wheel is by knowing the order they're drawn, so we can determine if the meaning is based on position or draw order (long story). We can do this by looking at the final spread, where it appears the cards are drawn Bottom->Right->Left->Top. This doesn't exactly fit any common way of drawing them, so we read based on position. Aditionally, since this is Japanese media and the card to the right is drawn before the card on the left, middle row of The Wheel is Future<-Present<;-Past. And based on the way the upright Page of Pentacles is placed in the final spread, if the name of the card is to the left the horizontal card is upright, if not it's reversed. If that doesn't make any sense to you, don't worry too much about it, I'll walk you through the important parts. You want a diagram? No? Well, you're gonna get one so-

After clarifying that, we can see that in these two spreads, while most of everything remains consistent, the Future and the Conscious change, the Challenge flips, and the Attitude is revealed. Let's take it one step at a time.

Let's start with the first spread. In the Challenge position (horizontal middle), we have the upright Queen of Swords. This card can represent anything you want tarot reading is so annoying a couple of things, including an authority figure. In the Challenge position, it could indicate there is a lack of communication, that the querent is being too "cold", in the sense they're not expressing their emotions correctly.

Then, in the Conscious position, the thing Mikoto is actively working towards, we have the Ace of Cups. This card can represent new beginnings, new relationships, good fortune, basically "good new things are coming your way." However, there is a slight change between MeMe's Ace of Cups and the IRL version, which could change the meaning a bit.

(No I don't know why MeMe calls it "Cup of Ace" that's just wrong lol)

As you can see, the IRL version has the water from the cup spilling on its own, while the MeMe version has the cup being intentionally spilt on top of a few mannequins. What I think this could mean: if you take the water spilling as a good thing (which is how it's usually interpreted, the idea is that spirituality is overflowing or something like that), the IRL version shows that new good things are coming no matter what, while the MeMe version has the water spilling intentionally because Mikoto is actively trying to cause new, good developments, such as new relationships (we'll get there). That's also why it's in the Conscious position, Mikoto is consciously trying to build a good new relationship.

After that, in the Future position, we have the reversed Wheel of Fortune. This can mean a lot of things, but it mainly has to do with a negative cycle in someone's life. In the Future position, then, this could mean a perpetuation of a negative cycle in Mikoto's life. Thus, in the first spread, if things continue as they are in that moment, the cycle of abuse Mikoto suffers at work will continue.

The Attitude card is obscured. I should note that this card can actually be read in a few different ways, but I think "Attitude" fits best here.

I'll also note the Subconscious card at the bottom of the Wheel ("so below") is the reversed Ten of Wands, which can represent Mikoto is feeling overburdened. Which we know certainly applies to his work.

Let's see here. Mikoto has a problem, possibly with someone in a position of authority, and feels overburdened. This could point to the Queen of Swords being a boss or a manager or something like that. It's upright because Mikoto isn't being direct enough in his desires; he's trying to 'play nice' and build up his relationship with the "Queen", that's what the Ace of Cups could represent. Not like I think his situation would actually improve if he told this "Queen" that he felt overworked, but still, the idea that Mikoto is bottling up his emotions definitely fits what we see of him. If he keeps it up, the cycle of (workplace) abuse will continue, represented by the reversed Wheel of Fortune. This would lead to Mikoto's darkest desires exploding; the Devil is the Outcome.

Let's move to the second spread. The Challenge is still the Queen of Swords, but reversed. This could imply the person giving Mikoto problems is still the same, but now the issue is that Mikoto is being too emotional. Again, there are a lot of ways to read these things, but I think that works.

The Conscious card is now the reversed Wheel of Fortune, which could mean Mikoto is actively aware of and possibly trying to break the negative cycle he's in.

The Future is now the Ace of Cups, which could imply there is a new relationship in Mikoto's future. This is where we acknowledge that the water can also represent consciousness, and in the MeMe version, it is being spilt over mannequins. And...

*sigh* The Ace of Cups can be associated with pregnancy, which fits the whole "newborn" thing John's got going on.

Indeed, I believe the new relationship in Mikoto's future is John, a "mannequin" receiving "consciousness." There is no other thing this could really allude to besides Milgram, which I don't think these spreads reference. However, if this really is about John, that would mean this spread is showing a situation before John's birth.

The Attitude card, which (according to most sources, there are conflicting reports on what the first card of The Wand is) represents how the querent is trying to achieve their Conscious goal, is the reversed King of Cups. This is most often associated with emotional repression, but it can also be connected to violence. Which is very interesting, because John has the same Attitude card in his spread. And we know how he approaches his issues (violence).

So all in all, Mikoto is having issues with an authority figure, and he's (possibly) being emotional about it. He's trying to break out of a negative cycle, and he's doing this either by repressing his emotions or by pulling a John (violence). In the future, this will lead to John's birth, which is why the Outcome is still implied to be the Devil.

This, by itself, doesn't necessarily imply murder. Again, the Attitude could be emotional repression and not violence. The weird thing is that the spread changed. And that means something had to happen to get the Future to change. The change can't have been John being born; that's still in the Future. And the thing we know happened is that the Conscious goal Mikoto was working towards changed, from wanting a prosperous new beginning or relationship to destroying an existing cycle.

Because of that, to me, it feels like the change between the first spread and the second is that Mikoto decided to let his emotions take over (reversing the Queen of Swords) and killed (reversed King of Cups) the authority figure who was causing him trouble, and this caused John to be born.

The final thing to note is that John's Past card is the Wheel of Fortune (upright). This could be read to mean the situation leading up to John's current situation is the destruction of a cycle, which fits the idea that Mikoto tried to destroy it before John was born.

Is this definitive evidence? Hell no! Tarot readings are so ambiguous that I'm pretty sure you can read these to mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. This is just my take on it, I don't even necessarily consider it good evidence because again, if you just take different meanings from the cards you can get whatever. But it's still something.

Point #6: John's insistence

Let's see what John says about the murders again.

So, as stated, John may have killed people without fully knowing why Mikoto was angry at them, but that doesn't mean this makes perfect sense. We know their victims weren't just "someone who was walking around nearby". Unless Mikoto regularly carries around a metal baseball bat for some god-forsaken reason, there must have been some kind of premeditation at play. John has to at least be hiding the real reasons for the murders, possibly because Mikoto might consider them shameful (more on that in a bit). This opens the door to the possibility he's hiding more than just that, and that makes a lot of his other claims seem a bit... desperate.

[Neoplasm] John: From [Mikoto's] point of view, he's being blamed for a crime he can't even remember. Es: If that's the truth, then… you're the one who committed the murder? John: Yeah, it's me. I killed them off. Es: … John: So Mikoto really didn't do it. Es: Is this really something that works that conveniently? John: Just put yourself in Mikoto's shoes for a moment! He was bottling up all his stress! He kept dealing with it all by himself the whole time, until it exploded! It's not like he just decided that he wanted to hurt somebody! Es: … John: He's not the type of person who could do stuff like that! He always looks out for others, always reads the room, always tries to get along with people around him! He can't do stuff like that… He was on the verge of exploding! That's why I was born. It's terrible, isn't it? My other self didn't do anything! Es: Even if that's true… Even if it wasn't what Mikoto wanted – someone's life was still lost. [...] John: I'm the one who did it! Mikoto didn't do it! You know that because of MILGRAM! I don't care about the law, I want to know what you think! Es: … John: Please… forgive Mikoto. I'm the one who did it.

The amount of times John tries to take the fall for every single murder is so insane it makes it sound suspicious. Why does he say it so much?

Still, I'll be honest, this might just be confirmation bias, as a lot of these lines can still absolutely be read with the interpretation that John is the only killer.

John: If I, the "John" personality, hadn't been born, I'm sure Mikoto would have reached his limit and fallen apart. Es: John… you… John: It's true that I was the one who wanted to destroy everything… and the weakness of Mikoto, who couldn't stand up for himself all alone, might have been the origin of that. But… that's all there is to it. Is that a sin?

So I don't consider this evidence at all, frankly. In fact, Neoplasm is one of the things which make me doubt the Mikoto-killer theory a bit, but I don't think it outright deconfirms it or anything. I'm just including this because I know some people think he's extremely suspicious here.

Point #7: Small visual stuff

1- The first time we see victims in Double, John's bat doesn't have any blood on it, which could imply the one who killed the mannequin(s) beside him was Mikoto.

2- The mannequin standing in for Death in the Death card is blue, a color most associated with Mikoto.

This one isn't great because you can read it more symbolically, with Mikoto being the main force of change in the system's life instead of someone who brings death. Though I'd argue the mace thing sort of implies something more violent.

3- At the start of Double, we see this:

The guy is shown as a blue and red mannequin, but what's interesting is that the blue part has a skull and the red part has a map thing. I don't consider this very important, but the blue with the skull could be indication of Mikoto having killed someone.

4- In Double, Mikoto is represented by antlers (I think that's what they are) in the same way John is represented by a crown of thorns ("savior", etc).

Antlers mainly represent strength, which feels a bit weird for Mikoto. I'm gonna be honest, I'm not confident on what these represent. But one possible interpretation comes from the fact they are always paired with the lyric (written on screen) "All I did was dream, so you find me INNOCENT, it’s that simple right?". The connection of the antlers with Mikoto's dream could imply Mikoto tried to use strength to fulfill a dream, which could imply he murdered someone to achieve something. Additionally...

*sigh* Antlers fall off after mating season, which could be connected to Mikoto "losing his antlers" after John is born, since Mikoto doesn't have to kill anymore.

I'm sure there are other interpretations, but I don't think this one is too bad.

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So, all of this, is it conclusive evidence of anything? I wouldn't say so, it's all still pretty vague. However, I believe all of it together points to Mikoto having killed one person, and this is what explains all this in the best way. Thus, I presume Mikoto did kill someone.

Claim #4: Mikoto's Motivations

CW for this section: potential stalking

I've sorta alluded to it in the tarot section, but I believe Mikoto killed someone in a position of authority over him as a result of workplace abuse. In particular, Mikoto was heavily overworked, possibly to the point this authority figure was somehow monitoring his home life and possibly even stalking him.

Let's start by the workplace abuse thing. This is an extremely important point in Mikoto's narrative; it's referenced in his Undercover silhouette shot, it's shown in the messages from "Chief" at the start of Double, the neuron scene from Double, his interrogation questions, etc. Mikoto is being overworked, to the point his boss/manager/whatever talks to him about work past midnight. It would be very strange, narratively speaking, if all of this didn't have anything to do with the murder. Also the whole "Queen of Swords is the Challenge/problem" could allude to an authority figure, which also fits this idea.

So then, what about the monitoring/stalking? Well, there's a lot of camera imagery in MeMe, for one. Most notably in the scene when Mikoto comes home and leaves his bag to the side as he breaks down, relating his stress to the idea of being watched. There's also an abundance of eye imagery in Double, especially in relation to Mikoto. This is also included in the MVs version of the Hanged Man card, which has a bunch of eyes around the mannequin. This alludes to some form of judgement or pressure, (<- Fuuta reference?) which could be connected to either societal pressure or, what I find a bit more likely, the judgement of Mikoto's higher-up(s) in his workplace.

Because of this, I believe one of Mikoto's higher-ups was heavily monitoring Mikoto's life even outside of work, which drove him to the point he felt he had to get rid of them. All he did was dream... of a better life.

This could also be why John hides the reasons for the murders. Even if he is actually aware of the full situation, he could be trying to hide that Mikoto felt tired from work, because in a way it's possible Mikoto would consider that shameful. I hope that makes sense.

Claim #5: Which is Mikoto's kill?

Assuming Mikoto only killed one person before John started taking over murder duties-

(I think that's a fair assumption, I think it would be weird if John only split after like three murders. Like, oh the first two weren't stressful enough to cause a split, but the third one is too much? What? There's something else that makes me think John split after just the first one, we'll get there)

-that begs the question: which one was Mikoto's? Well, since Double isn't exactly reliable for what the murders looked like, I'll only take MeMe's versions into account. There are at least three murders in MeMe: the Subway Murder, the Streetside Murder, and the Trash Bag Murder.

We know the Trash Bag Murder is different from the other two because the murderer isn't wearing a hoodie in that one, a fact which took me an embarrassing amount of time to notice. Unless he went home, changed, went back to dispose of evidence and still had the beanie for some reason (since he throws it away), it has to be different. And probably on a different day, too. Because of that, I'll henceforth call it the No Hoodie Murder.

Let's run through what we have. We see the Subway murder almost in full at the beginning of MeMe, where Kayano swings around his bat flippantly before killing a blonde dude with a simple overhead swing. However, right in the middle of that scene, we quickly cut to the Streetside murder, where we see Kayano hitting the victim with a right-handed swing.

After that we have a scene of John (because at this point it would be John) coming home and taking off his shirt. Since there is a Fool card portrait in the background, I'll call this the Fool Portrait scene. Notably, we never see John take off a hoodie or a beanie, meaning this is probably related to the No Hoodie Murder.

Then we have Kayano doing... something to the Streetside victim. It's unclear exactly what that is; I've seen some people say he's burying the victim, but to me that always looked like he's dismembering them to put them in trash bags. It's not too important, though.

An important fact is that in this scene we see his left cheek is blood-stained. This is consistent with the following bath scene, where we see John brushing his teeth with blood trailing down from his left cheek.

In the middle of those scenes, we see the clean-up for the No Hoodie murder. Trash bags and the beanie are disposed of in an illegal dumping ground.

Finally there's the bathtub scene, but frankly it's not very relevant to this discussion.

So, which one is Mikoto's? I'll start by ruling out the No Hoodie murder. There is an argument for it, though. It's definitely the most hidden of the murders, which makes it suspicious. Since the Fool represents new beginnings, you could argue the Fool Portrait scene shows John's "beginning". And since I said it's probably related to this murder, you could argue that means the No Hoodie murder is the first one.

However, that doesn't really convince me. Unless the Kayanos have multiple beanies (which is possible, but I'd find it weird narratively speaking), this would have to be the last murder in the sequence, while Mikoto's would have to be the first. The fact it was done without a hoodie also contradicts the 3rd Anniversary artwork reasoning, since Mikoto wears a hoodie there, but to be fair the lack of beanie makes the outfit somewhat inconsistent anyways.

Meanwhile, you could argue there's a symbolic implication that John and Mikoto have already split by the time the Subway murder happens, in the way the towers close and behind Kayano have lighting split down the middle between red and blue light.

(Yes this is one of the reasons I'm keeping the red and blue color scheme despite no longer believing RGBkoto)

No, I believe the Streetside murder is Mikoto's. It's technically the first one we see, but more importantly, the location matches Mikoto's prisoner card image, and the swing fits the Undercover kill-shot.

Since Mikoto is the Milgram prisoner, these two things would probably be related to his murder, not Johns'.

Funnily enough, you can also argue that this murder is too expressionless for John. Which sounds odd, considering John is usually the less expressive of the two, but funnily enough, the only times we see John express emotion is when he goes to do a violence, either because he's frustrated at the person who hurt Mikoto or because he's happy to protect him.

[John Doe] John: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!! Es: *Gasp* John: YOU KEEP BLABBERING ON AND ON... I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! *John continues to beat Es* John: GOING ON, AND ON, AND ON... ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY... LIKE YOU AREN'T JUST A KID! SERVES YOU FUCKING RIGHT! Es: …emember… John: HUH-!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YOU'RE NO MORE THAN JUST A KID. YOU UNIMPORTANT BRAT! Es: .........I'll remember you… you murderer…! John: HUH?! *Laughter* YOU PREFER IT WHEN IT HURTS MORE, HUH? Es: ......! John: THAT'S FINE... I'LL CRUSH YOUR FUCKING FACE. Es: Go ahead… and try… John: YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME TWICE! *Screams* [...] Kotoko: His technique is definitely that of an amateur… John: SHUDDUP!!! Kotoko: ...! *Sighs* I can't imagine that power from his muscle mass. John: ANNOYING... YOU'RE ANNOYING...! ARGH...!

This even fits the lackadaisical twirling of the bat in the Subway murder. It's one of the reasons I believe that one's John's.

Meanwhile, the one time we see a Kayano swing a bat without emotion on his face is the right-hand swing in Double, which as we established is probably Mikoto. Thus, the idea that John shows more expression than Mikoto when it comes to murdering holds up. The punch at the end of MeMe doesn't count because that's John attacking Mikoto, which is only metaphorical.

Still, this isn't exactly great evidence of anything, since John is still usually less expressive than Mikoto in general.

Anyways, which murder is Mikoto's isn't too important anyways, this section was more to satisfy curiosity than anything else.

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And that's it! Again, this is just my interpretation and theories, it's perfectly fine if you believe something else. I know it isn't anything new, but I wanted to put it all in one place so I can reference back to it if, say, I'm answering an ask about whether or not I forgive the prisoners' murders (I swear I'm working on it lol). Anyways, take care!

#milgram #mikoto kayano #john kayano #milgram theory #meme mv #double mv

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jiminrings · 1 year

Note

478 request - i wanna see oc grovel in some way tbh🤔 (tl set after part 3) probs jungkook getting upset with how close she is with yoongi like the touching and the "flirting" cause most of what we see is jungkooks faults and i wanna see some of ocs😁 [HAPPY ENDING THO... a cute cuddle and stuff]

478: drabble

alternatively, jungkook attempts to give you the silent treatment :(

[ 478 masterlist ]

It’s not that Jungkook wants to pick a fight with you.

It’s not that he wants to pull Yoongi by the hair to pry him off you, of course not. It’s also not that he feels the need to remind you every single second to wear your wedding ring when you’re not working, because these days, you seem perfectly fine (and don’t feel the raging discomfort when he doesn’t wear his) without the band on your finger.

It’s not like Jungkook hasn’t tried keeping his mouth shut either; to clench his jaw just to keep the snarky remark to himself as he wants to be as rational as he could.

He’s trying to digest the sight of you and Yoongi being this close every single time but he could only take so much, his breaking point seeing the lunchbox that he packed for you (and woke up early to prepare) barely even touched — all because Yoongi took you out for lunch between tapings.

“So that fake dating contract didn’t push through between you and Yoongi, right?” Jungkook asks all of a sudden, looking up at you from the lunchbox that his eyes burn through.

“Yup. Thank god, right?” you joke, looking for your pajamas from the pile of laundry that Jungkook folded while you were out working.

It’s the Yoongi thing and this little, little mistake you do when you accidentally topple over his pile of folded clothes just to search for a particular pair of pajamas. Jungkook knows it’s just a tiny accident and a little impulsive move on your part, and yet it makes his brain topple over, the last bit of security being unhinged.

“Right,” he smiles tightly, deciding he won’t do anything about the lunchbox and just leave it out open on the countertop. “Act like it then.”

“What?” your breathing hitches at the reply, eyes following your husband’s jerky movements in exiting the kitchen. “Excuse me?”

The way you sound so appalled makes Jungkook feel even smaller and more neglected than he did just mere minutes ago, biting his tongue when you ask for clarification.

He can’t hold out long enough to give you a silent treatment, but he tries anyway.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you think it’s supposed to mean?” he huffs, rolling his eyes when he walks past the laundry that he folded (and dedicated his time to to meticulously get them all done) while he resists the urge to grip at his hair in frustration.

“Don’t give me that tone,” you sneer.

“Don’t give me that attitude!” Jungkook replies just as annoyed, his eyes narrowed into slits.

You know the exhaustion of the day is getting to you when you finally snap, losing the little patience you had left. “Say what you want to say, Jungkook. Don’t act like this.”

“Like what? Upset? Can I not be upset anymore?” Jungkook exclaims, his mouth drying up when the obliviousness and frustration in your face are clear as daylight. “I can’t be upset because you’re all chummy a-and touchy with Yoongi?”

“That’s what best friends do, Jungkook!” you argue, crossing your arms. There’s this hint of iron in your tongue that tells you you’re not in the right this time, judging by the way your husband looks purely distraught.

“But you would always be more than a best friend in Yoongi’s eyes! Can’t you see that?” Jungkook contests, frantic eyes fixated on you until the fight leaves his body in one breath. “Fine. He’s moved on already or whatever he says, but what about your husband?” he purses his lips, balancing his weight on one foot. You’re too dazed to even register that the room behind Jungkook isn’t your shared one.

“What about me?”

It finally clicks in your head that there’s still the faint hurt lingering at the back of Jungkook’s head, the bit of insecurity that can’t be erased even if the two of you have reconciled already.

He’s still sensitive — after all, it hasn’t even been half a year since your momentary break, and the reminder that you almost weren’t his doesn’t help especially when you and Yoongi haven’t broken contact since.

“I’m sleeping in the guest room,” he quietly announces, slipping into the room without a hitch.

Jungkook can’t even remember when this room was last used by an actual guest or when the sheets were last changed, but he can’t bring himself to care — he just shuts down.

You can’t do the same when you’re left in the living room of your apartment that’s far too small to accompany two troubled hearts at once, the brunt of it being carried by you this time because you’re the one at fault.

You think of it when you save the lunch your husband made for you that you didn’t even eat, vowing silently that you’ll eat it for breakfast tomorrow.

You think of it when you haul the couple hundred clothes that Jungkook folded neatly for the both of you into your shared room (the same one you want him to be in), some of them messy because of the way you haphazardly stuck your hand in there just to look for your pajamas.

You think of the pain and you feel the longing wholly when you knock on the door to the guest bedroom even when it remains unlocked, your husband’s awake and disheveled state apparent even with the lights out.

“Come back to bed, please?” you weakly ask, the reply to it never reaching your ears. You trudge the short distance, your eyes downcast as you make up your mind when you climb the bed with him. “I’ll stay with you then.”

Jungkook doesn’t tense when you wrap an arm around him in an embrace with his back still turned to you, but he does falter when you press the most gentle of kisses on his nape.

“I’m sorry, Jungkook. I didn’t even think to put myself in your shoes,” you apologize. “I’ll make the boundaries even more clear with Yoongi, alright?” your bottom lip gets caught between your teeth, anxiously chewing on it. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“It happens,” Jungkook weakly offers, his resolve fading slowly the tighter that you hold him.

“It shouldn’t,” you affirm, screwing your eyes shut in regret for not catching up sooner with Jungkook’s feelings. “Can you forgive me, Kook?”

“Mhmm,” he hums, head turning slightly to take a peek at you. You’re still embracing him tightly, rubbing small circles on his bicep as you mutter apologies under your breath. “I can, but I want to sulk a little longer.”

“Okay,” you confer, the hint of a smile on your face only materializing fully when your husband looks at you with growing warmth. “Should I grovel for a little longer then?”

Only then does your husband smile, nodding his head.

“Please.”

#478 drabbles #jungkook oneshot #jungkook imagine #jungkook scenario

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barcaavengers · 1 year

Text

Illicit Affairs || Neymar Jr. || Pt. 1

Note: I'm baaaack! With another Neymar imagine series! This one is going to have a little bit of everything so I hope you all enjoy it and let me know your feedback! It starts off slow since its like a mini introduction but it should pick up after that. Also, requesting permission to change my name to Bruna since this man only dates girls with that name. 😅

Warnings: None for now.

Disclaimer: Gif not mine. Credit to owner.

“Cover me!” Neymar screams into his headset at you.

“Where the hell are you going!? There is people there, I barely have bullets!”

“Let’s goooo” Neymar is laughing and you laugh with him.

You have met Neymar quite a few months ago now. You were friend of one of his best friends and you two met through him and Call of Duty games. It was a time where they needed a fourth person for the squad and your best friend mentioned you, making the clarification that, of course, you were a girl. Not many guys liked to play with girls, and less one that could kick their ass in video games, but the guys were pretty fun and welcomed you into their squad. That’s when you got to play with Neymar Jr. himself and you were over the moon, because honestly who wouldn’t? Yes, you followed him in social media way before, and never actually met him, it was all through your headset and it was enough for you guys to have a connection. Well, a love hate relationship. Sometimes you criticized the weapons he used, he would criticize your tactics during the game, but you two would get along just fine and you loved it. He was funny, he would scream and curse in most games and for some reason that would always make your day. It was the highlight of your day truth to be told, you would look forward to it.

“I told you not to go! I was recharging!” You laugh.

“Fine, fine” he chuckles as he goes back to the game’s lobby. “What happened?” “Bruna is here. I gotta go before she starts complaining that I have been playing all day” you can almost hear the roll of his eyes through his words. “Oooh, you busted” you tease. “Yeah, whatever” he chuckles. “Same time tomorrow?”

“Same time tomorrow if you feel like listening to me.”

“Ha! Never. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I’ll text you.”

You disconnect your headset and turn off the console and you sigh. Tomorrow couldn’t get here soon enough.

“So I will be taking some small vacations, and I told Y/B/F to join. Thought maybe it would be a good idea to meet up? Need to know who is being so bossy with me through headsets” he teases and you find yourself smiling.

“Sounds fun, I’m in!” You grin. “I can finally talk with Bruna and tell her how annoying you are and that you spend many hours playing.”

“She is not coming” you can sense the change in his tone.

“Everything alright?”

One thing you have been since meeting Neymar, besides his biggest rival, is his confidant. You could hear how sometimes Bruna would call him out on playing all day, or him asking her freely to join him in something and her saying no because she had bigger plans, or how he would refuse to go out with her friends because he wanted to go out with his, and there was always a slight tension. You would prefer for him to mute it, and you even told him once, but he says he forgets about it since most of the times it happens when you guys are playing an important match.

The invitation had you slightly nervous, and you didn’t know how to feel about it. In a way, you were thrilled from finally meeting Neymar, face to face. The other part was nervous, he would like your posts and send you heart eyes whenever you posted photos of yourself, and he would tell you how good you looked. You would always take it in a friendly way, and didn’t pay much attention to it or saw it as something more than a compliment, but sometimes you wondered how you’d react around him. So many days playing together over the past months have made you get fonder of him, he was like a long distance best friend and you liked that relationship. Never looking forward to moving past that.

“We can talk later about that” he says and you hear someone calling his name from the other end. “I have to go, but I’ll send you the information, okay partner?”

“Sounds good to me!” And with that you disconnect once again.

“So you are the pain in my ass that doesn’t cover” Neymar greets you as he hugs you, you were now at your best friend’s place.

“So you are the one that doesn’t listen” you say, trying to keep your voice from shaking of how nervous you were. Your heart was trying to beat its way out of your chest, and you hoped he wasn’t able to feel it as he hugged you.

“Alright, settle you two. I’ll go get some drinks because I thought you’d be staying at a fancy hotel and we’d get hotel rooms” your friend teases and you laugh at him.

“Thanks, bro” Neymar says, looking after your friend as the door shuts down. “Did you bring the extra controller?”

You pull your controller out of your bag, holding it with a grin. “Ready to get your ass kicked?” He laughs and opens his own bag to get his controller out, walking over to turn on the console and pulling two chairs in front of the tv for you guys to play.

“You can’t be serious” you say with a roll of your eyes. “This is like a stress reliever for you. She can’t just tell you to stop playing.”

“I know” his tone was annoyed. “Bruna…I love her and all but lately we are not on the same page. We haven’t been in a while. You have heard some of it” he pauses. “She is not the same, she is just there when there is something big or when she wants to show me off to her friends. I mean, I’m not giving myself an ego boost or anything, but I feel she asks me out for her things because I am popular and, I know she is too, but it's just…It doesn’t feel right anymore, you know?” He frowns.

“That always happens. Difference of interests. I’m sure you can work things out. Breaking up like that just because of misunderstandings doesn’t sound like a way to go. Just talk to her about how you feel, if she truly cares for you and your feelings I’m sure she’d understand” you pat his arm and he smiles.

“You know, I’ve always liked talking to you, Y/N” your cheeks blush at his words. “You are always so positive, funny, and know exactly what to say. Sometimes we think alike.”

“Except for the game.”

“Your fault. If it would’ve been for me we would’ve already won these past five matches” he teases and shoves you playfully. “No, but I mean what I said” he gives you that smile.

“Oh get a room with your compliments, Junior” you shove him back. “I really like playing with you too, even if you annoy me like hell” you smile back.

“Can I tell you something? And you won’t find it weird?” Oh, definitely not weird, but your heart felt like it would burst from your chest in any minute now. “Since I started to follow you on instagram I thought you were beautiful.” Your cheeks felt way too hot and you thanked that you guys were playing in a dark room where the only light was the tv. Should you really be thankful for being with Neymar in a dark room while he was telling you how pretty you were while you were nervous and with this one urge tickling your thoughts?

“So if it weren’t for that, you would’ve thought I was just a nerd with glasses behind the game?”

“You are a nerd with glasses though” he reaches to shake your glasses. Okay, touche.

“Whatever” you roll your eyes playfully and press the start option in the game as you reach to take a sip from your bottle of water. “Where the hell is this guy with our drinks anyway?” You turn to look at the door as you drink.

“Y/N, can I kiss you?” You have to hold back to not spit the water you were drinking, and because of that you started to cough uncontrollably. “Hey, no. Don’t die on me. I need you to revive me during the game” he is patting your back as you try to regain yourself.

“I’m fine” you cough and gulp at least three times as you recover. “What did you just ask?”

“If I could kis-”

“Oh I heard you loud and clear, mister” you say nodding your head.

“So?”

“You are acting out because you are having problems with her.”

“Or maybe it is what I have wanted since I saw your pictures and since I walked through that door” and when you look at him, of course his eyes were eyeing you up and down and staring at your lips.

“Neymar…”

“Come on, no one has to know…We can spin the bottle and whoever it lands on has to kiss the other” he is being playful now to redeem himself. How cute.

“Just the two of us?”

“Just the two of us.”

“Doesn’t sound like a fair thing” you smirk and he chuckles, leaning closer.

“Not hearing a no…” Oh God he is so close. You can smell the peppermint from the gum he was probably chewing on his way to your friend’s place. He was hypnotizing. His hazel eyes gazing at you, his tongue running along his lower lip almost tasting you already on them, and you found yourself doing the same.

“Just one” you give in. Damn, you are surprised you lasted this much.

He smiles like a little kid, biting his lower lip before leaning forward. His lips pressed against yours in the most innocent way possible, and they did have a hint of the peppermint taste. You try to regulate your breathing because you were sure he could sense how nervous you were and you didn’t want him to boost his ego more, but how could you resist? Your lips part and he takes the initiative to deepen the kiss, and you melt right into it. His hand goes to the side of your neck, fingertips resting on the back of it as he held you in place. The one kiss was lasting longer than you expected, lips moving slowly as he savored the moment, and so did you.

“Mmm…” you hear him groan and you pull away slowly. “That was…”

“Yuup…Not just one kiss…”

“Kinda was. I didn’t stop-” you glare at him and he just gives you a cheeky grin. “Did you…like it?” Out of all the things you could hear Neymar Jr. ask, you never expected for it to be him asking you if you enjoyed kissing him.

“Kinda obvious since I didn’t pull away” you admit shamelessly and you instantly regret it, because that’s when you realized you may have had a crush on this one far deeper than him just being your first football crush. He didn’t need to know that though.

“Would need some proof” he reaches for your hand, fingertips grazing your skin causing goosebumps to stand out as he gets a hold of your controller and bends slightly to the side to put it down along with his.

“Seriously?”

He is so unbelievably close…and that smile, those eyes…You have never seen someone so perfect up close. And you find yourself leaning in again, this time you are the one to tease him running your tongue along his lips. It felt…right, in a way. It felt like you have been secretly waiting for this moment your whole life but you just truly realized you had suppressed the feelings for so long and now they were being freed. Terrible timing. Or was it? Maybe all of this was happening for a reason. Him being away from Bruna, him staying at your friend’s place, said friend taking forever with the drinks. Maybe…just maybe…

“Sorry, I got stuck in traffic” you hear as the door starts to open and you both breakaway from each other and quickly start shoving on each other.

“I told you to wait for me!”

“I told you there were two teams there!”

“You were sniping them!”

“....I guess it is a bad timing? I got the drinks though” your friend says and raises the six packs of beer and you two turn to look at him.

“Finally. I’m thirsty” Neymar says and looks at you, sending a wink your way and you are sure your cheeks have never turned a brighter shade of pink.

“Well then come and pour something up” your friend says.

Neymar looks at you, a cheeky smirk upon his lips as he stands up. “Thank God you arrived. I could barely stand her by myself” he says as he walks away.

“Like if you were so easy to handle” you say and laugh, following the guy.

The rest of the night goes that way. Games and Neymar looking at you every now and then, being charming as only he knew how to be, as subtle as he could because, let’s be honest, the guy couldn’t stop looking at you in any chance he got and you were surprised your friend hasn’t made a comment about it. You get to know that he will be staying at a place he rented, so he was leaving and not actually staying.

It was late at night and you were already at your apartment getting ready for bed when you got the message.

Neymar: Can we see each other tomorrow?

Neymar: That kiss was….wow.

Neymar: I’m starting to think it was a bad idea.

You have to blink a couple of times to understand what was going on. Was he….was Neymar flirting with you? You didn’t know how to react. In a way, he is with Bruna, right? He was complaining about her, but what relationship doesn’t complain about the other and has their rough patches? On the other hand, he seemed so serious when he said he didn’t like the way he was being treated in the relationship and how things didn’t feel the same way. Yes, you told him to fix things, to talk with Bruna, but he said he had already tried and that things only changed for a few weeks or months before they were back to square one.

Not sure if it were your feelings and the kiss getting in the way of your thoughts, but maybe he should get a break. If he doesn’t like where he is at, then it is time for him to move on. If he had given it all and saw no changes, why stay with a person that it's just there, but not exactly there?

Y/N: You finally realize your ideas are bad ideas?

Y/N: What did you have in mind? I work tomorrow.

How could something feel so right and so wrong at the same time?

Neymar: I can pick you up. I just got a rental. I don’t want to bother Y/B/F to drive me around, and I didn't feel like driving three hours with my own.

Y/N: Alright...I’ll send you the address and what time to pick me up.

Too many ways that this could end up, and something told you that it was going to hurt the most.

Neymar: See you tomorrow, princess.

#Neymar jr #Neymar #neymar imagine #neymar imagines #Neymar jr imagine #neymar jr imagines #(illicit affairs)#(mine)#football imagine #football imagines

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studentinpursuitofclouds · 5 days

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hello! I really liked that one ask where the farmer was a dragon, can we have that one with all the sdv bachelors? even some npcs and/or the bachelorettes if you want? thanks!

Heya! You mean the reaction to Dragon!Farmer? Sure, why not! ☺️ (Hope you don't mind if I'll do sdv bachelors only).

Only that past ask specified a male Farmer, but since there's no clarification here, I made Farmer neutral (they/them). Thanks for the ask!

_________________________________________

"Well, now I know exactly what I'm going to call the next chapter of my autobiography." Farmer had to give Elliott credit: their ginger haired husband held his own, not fainting or screaming in terror when they appeared before him in dragon form. Though they realized from the exhausted smile and pale face that it was better to stay close to catch the writer's body at any moment.

Shane kind of quit drinking.... And he never took any of other stuff thar can make so hallucinate. Then why the hell is there a giant reptile flying over his head right now calling him "darling?" That's what only the Farmer calls him.... And now this overgrown lizard landed in front of him and turned to his favorite spouse again, looking at him with a guilty smile. Just a regular Tuesday for Shane, for fuck's sake...

A tense moment for the Farmer themselves as they finally reveal true form to Sebastian, love of their life. They wait for his reaction, what he will respond, shock and horror on the emo's face. But in the end, Sebby's brain goes to autopilot and he spews out, "I've seen bigger." What... Now it was Farmer's turn to gasp in shock. "Have you seen other dragons?" Farmers don't know if they asked it out of surprise or even jealousy, while Sebastian was still stunned.

It seems that Sam's bewilderment and shock passed very quickly, because anyone else would have started showering him with questions: how long or why didn't you tell me before? But not the young guitarist, because the first thing that came to his mind was "Will you take me for a ride? This would be cool!" On the other hand, things got around without panic, so that's good.

Harvey, as a doctor with experience, was mentally prepared for anything. Apparently, not everything, because the poor man fainted at the sight of a huge dragon on the place where just a minute ago Farmer was standing. The local doctor wakes up with a headache, and the first thing he sees is Farmer's worried face, already in human form. Phew, so Harvey was imagining things and it was just a dream, right? Heh, poor Harvey...

"Now what am I going to tell my grandma?" Somewhat surprisingly, Alex uttered those words not because he was surprised by the Farmer's true form itself, but because they scared him so badly that the athlete dropped a dozen eggs. "Honey, we live on a farm, we have plenty of eggs. And anyway - there's a dragon in front of you." "Dragons later, chicken eggs for Grandma first." And he added that they were the weirdest and coolest person in the whole world, and that he loved them. But don't let the Farmer scare him like that again.

#stardew valley #sdv #sdv shane #sdv sebastian #sdv elliott #sdv harvey #sdv alex #sdv sam #sdv headcanons #thanks for the ask!

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clangenrising · 1 month

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the absolute chokehold this blog has on me is seriously crazy im soo in love with your work.

youve probably been asked this before, and if thats the case i apologize- but im curious... considering the canonical Cat Homophobia amongst the city cats, how does Scorch feel about it? I mean we all know that girl is queer and has flirted (albeit playfully) with women in the past but being around #1 Bigot Razor all the time can't be a good thing for... anyones moral standings, internalized or not.

either way she has some serious issues to work through before jumping into another relationship i fear. sorry scorch not even a pretty women can solve ur Various Issues... we will get there eventually girl i believe in u.

(ps i know towing the line in asks between trivia/clarification questions and "this is something i want to be extrapolated upon in the text rather then just telling you" questions is hard so if this is one of those i totally get it lol, and im sure i speak for most of us other askers as well ^_^)

Wow I have so many people in chokeholds it seems XD I'm flattered. Also, I appreciate the understanding. Luckily, this is something I feel comfortable answering.

Lucky for Scorch, she grew up in a completely different town with a much chiller community. As a kit she was taken in by a group of female cats who raised their kits communally and at least some of them were in romantic relationships with each other. So she doesn't have the sort of unthinking, automatic 'that's weird' response that cats in Razor's city tend to have.

You're not wrong that being around Razor definitely had an effect on that but the effect was mostly her realizing she had to tone it down when she was in town. There were rumors originating in her earlier days in the city that she swung both ways (we learn that in one of the early Aldertail POVs) but she mostly played it off and escaped too much flack for it.

But yeah, her issues are a lot more with just general intimacy and the seeds were there even before she came to Razor's city. To some degree, it made not being able to be queer in the city easier because Scorch doesn't consider romantic love to be anything she would be interested in. She's a real Romance Pessimist, you know, like the kind of woman who starts a rom-com being like 'love is fake and I'll never fall in love' XD Hopefully she'll follow the rest of the rom-com arc

Oh my god new Hallmark Movie AU where Saoirse goes to a tiny town on business and meets handsome lumberjack-or-whatever, Rayna, who convinces her to love Christmas and leave her shitty business boyfriend. Fuck I want fanart of this now. 100 RisingBucks to anyone who delivers

#not art #asks and answers #anon asks #Scorchplume #RisingClan AU #Human AU #RisingBucks are my new official currency and you cannot spend them they are purely for clout #RisingBucks

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beomgyuslilracha · 1 year

Text

the ceo's son ✧.* [ epilogue ]

⊹ pairing: choi soobin x f! reader

⊹ genre: strangers to friends to lovers

⊹ warnings: very brief and mild swearing

⊹ wc: 3.2k

summary: you've been an intern at c company for roughly over four months now - directly under the ceo as his assistant. everything was going perfectly: you were saving up money to attend uni next year, and you knew that you were under the ceo's good graces to receive a great recommendation when the time came! in fact, he took a liking to you so much that he'd often joke that he wanted to set you up with his son. at least ... you thought it was a joke

ever since that beautiful moment back at lotte world, every minute of every day felt as if you were still living in a daydream.

it had been an exact month to the date, and you still found it impossible to fathom that soobin is your boyfriend. you got to call that six foot bundle of cuteness all yours, which you very much took advantage of doing so, yet it still didn't feel real!

even now, as you were sweetly engulfed in his arms, the butterflies in your stomach still fluttered around in excitement - despite the absolute innocence of the action itself.

"do you really have to go?" soobin mumbled into your hair, squeezing your frame even closer to his.

you giggled, though you desperately wished that you didn't have to leave him either. "yes, my sweet binnie, i really do," you lifted your chin up to finally look at him. "i stupidly promised your father i'd work a full day today."

"i still think we should just tell him," the cute boy groaned, jutting his bottom lip out into the most adorable pout. "i guarantee he'd give you a whole week off to celebrate our anniversary."

you couldn't help but to laugh, unable to put the idea past that crazy boss of yours. hell, you would even bet that the man would throw a giant party for the two of you himself - despite it only being a month.

"i know, but that's exactly why i don't want to tell him yet," you sighed. "i don't want him treating me any differently just because we're dating."

soobin nodded, though rather sadly, before planting a tiny kiss on your forehead, one on each smiling cheek, another on the nose, and lastly pressing a much longer one on your lips.

no matter how long its been and how many times he did it, soobin just couldn't get enough of how it felt to kiss you. a show of fireworks would ignite in his heart every second your lips connected, and he'd find himself craving it all over again the second you pulled away.

"if i get out too late, i promise i'll make it up to you tomorrow, okay?" you practically whispered to him, your eyes barely fluttering open from the blissful daze that his kiss put you in.

you attempted to give your beloved boyfriend one more kiss goodbye, but his hand reached out to wrap around your waist and pull you back in for another. you were going to be late getting back from your lunch break, but you suddenly couldn't bring yourself to care.

soobin's lips were an addiction, and you found it harder and harder to leave him every single time.

"what if you stayed with me tonight?" soobin asked you suddenly, his free hand intertwining with yours as he did.

your eyes widened at the suggestion, and your cheeks were quickly tinted with a light pink hue.

stay with soobin? at his dorm??

like sleep over???

"you mean, like ... stay the night?" you asked for clarification, your heart pounding erratically inside your chest.

soobin nodded, his lips squeezing tightly together nervously and forcing his dimple to pop out even more than normal. even he couldn't believe he suggested such an idea, but he didn't want to risk not being able to see you on the very night of your anniversary.

after maybe a whole second of thinking it over, you agreed rather sheepishly. the thought still had your heart racing, but you were not about to deny such a golden opportunity to see soobin at his most relaxed.

perhaps you were agreeing for the selfish idea of being able to see how cute he'd look with bed head in the morning.

"i'll see you tonight then, angel," soobin giggled, giving you an official goodbye kiss this time.

the lightheaded feeling only lasted a millisecond, suddenly turning into gut-wrenching fear once you picked up on a new voice beside you both.

"miss y/n?"

you could not control your hands from harshly pushing soobin completely away from you, wanting all but to disappear in embarrassment. "m-mr. jeong, what- what are ... what are you doing here?"

soobin probably would have been hurt by the action - not that he still wasn't - but even he was surprised to see his father's assistant standing just a short ways from you both. soobin couldn't help but to wonder just how much he witnessed.

"i was picking up some coffees for a meeting this afternoon," mr. jeong answered relatively calmly, though his gaze continously shifted back and forth between the two of you. "should i ask what it is that you two are doing here?"

now, mr. jeong was not at all blind or clueless. he had full access to the company's security cameras and had spotted the two of you secretly meeting one another on multiple occasions — he just never expected to witness a far more intimate moment.

and in person, at that.

"oh, we- we just, uh.. ran into each other," you began to stumble for an excuse. "i- well ... i wasn't feeling good so, uh, soobin was- he was checking my temperature."

. . . checking your temperature . . . with his mouth . . .

soobin absolutely adored you to the moon and back. he would do anything and everything for you without you even having to ask - including cover for you when you were too embarrassed to tell the truth.

except this time.

no, not even soobin could stand there and save you from a terrible excuse like that.

"we're dating. please don't think i'm willingly doing anything weird to take advantage of her," soobin admitted to the confused man, his hands quickly waving maniacally in front him to deny the words you said.

mr. jeong let out a surprised laugh, having witnessed a lot in the past couple minutes. before he had any time to respond, you spoke up again.

"please don't tell mr. choi!"

you couldn't handle standing there a second longer to soak in the absolute embarrassment. not even bothering to wait for any kind of response, you checked the time on your phone and suddenly took off running back towards the company.

if nothing else, you at least knew that you'd be able to arrive first and prevent mr. jeong from saying anything to the ceo while you were present.

although, this plan of yours mainly consisted of you being an absolute klutz every second that mr. jeong so much as breathed. the man was barely able to hold a normal conversation with his superior without you dropping whatever was in your hands in a panic.

"miss y/n, are you doing alright?" mr. choi himself had to ask, after about the fifth time you stumbled over and dropped the files in your hands.

your eyes had flickered over to a straight-faced mr. jeong, but there was absolutely no way you were going to open any opportunity for the man to expose your relationship. "yes, sir, i'm fine. i didn't get enough sleep last night, so i'm a little tired."

where was this critical thinking when you were trying to think of an excuse earlier?!

since then, mr. choi was able to dismiss your out-of-character behavior, but he still wasn't entirely convinced. you seemed more nervous about something than anything, but he couldn't even begin to put a finger on the reason as to why.

not that the man would ever come close even if he tried.

"miss y/n, please calm down," mr. jeong had pulled you aside while the two men were on their way out for a meeting. "it is not my place to speak for you if you're not ready. you don't need to be so nervous."

a euphoric sense of relief washed over you from his words, yet a new wave a guilt and shame overcame you instead. you felt ridiculous for having doubted him, but you just couldn't help being so nervous.

as reliable as mr. jeong was, you also knew how much he highly respected his superior. the two men didn't work alongside each other for this many years without having a close and trusting bond between them. in which case, you were slightly afraid to know just how far that bond was willing to go.

"i'm so sorry for being so worried," you apologized, going as far to bow a full 90 degrees from sincerity. "i truly appreciate you doing this for me, sir."

with a small chuckle, the man finally left the room behind mr. choi and allowed you to relax for the first time that entire afternoon.

by the time the two of them returned, you were back to your normal and calm self. you trusted that mr. jeong wouldn't lie to you, so you willingly allowed your guard to drop.

by the time 6:00 rolled around - the time for you to go home - you had completely dismissed the thought from your mind. if mr. choi didn't barge into the room with a million questions after the two men were alone, then you 100% respected mr. jeong's promise to keep yours and soobin's relationship to himself.

"i'll be on my way now! have a great night," you happily wished the two men a goodbye, practically skipping your way out of the room.

now with that worry out of the way, you focused entirely on the thought of spending the whole night with soobin! in fact, judging by the cute messages he left for you while you were working, the night should start by the time you exited the building.

"hi, angel," soobin greeted you cutely from where he was waiting.

not that you'd know it, but he was waiting by that same tree from back when he had tried to surprise you before. unlike last time, though, now he got to see that adorable smile of yours making your way over to him.

"hi, binnie," you giggled, being sure to greet one another with a kiss as always. "i missed you."

soobin still felt himself blushing at the nickname every time. he didn't know whether it was the name itself or the pretty girl saying it that had his heart doing somersaults.

"you think we still have time for dinner first?" you asked him while checking the time on your phone.

with his starry-eyed gaze trained on you, soobin had a better idea. "what if we just stayed in tonight? we can just order food and stay at the dorm all night."

your entire face warmed at the mention, unable to believe that you two were really going to spend an entire night together. it was completely innocent, of course, but the butterflies still had you feeling so nervous at the thought.

"okay, that sounds even better," you agreed bashfully, intertwining your fingers between his. "oh, but we should stop by my apartment first so i can grab a few things."

"why? i already have extra of everything for you so that you don't have to," soobin told you, making the blush on your cheeks turn an even deeper red than before.

you knew this to be true, but your heart still leapt regardless. you had been visiting soobin much more often at his dorm, and - slowly, but surely - he began to buy little things for you in order to make you more comfortable.

he had gotten you house slippers, candles of your favorite scent for his room (partly to make you comfortable and partly just to remind him of you), and even a fuzzy blanket solely for you to wrap yourself in.

"okay, well, what about clothes? i don't have anything to wear."

now it was soobin's turn for his entire face to turn a deep shade of red. he had been secretly hoping you would forget to bring up that little tidbit, seeing as he was dying to see just how cute you'd look wearing one of his shirts.

he had tried offering one to you before when you'd stay late, but you'd always refuse and claim that you were okay. not that you didn't want to, you just never realized that he was offering for a more selfish reason than simply just hospitality.

"well, i have ... you know, i have clothes you could borrow," soobin practically mumbled, his gaze averting down to his feet from embarrassment.

the butterflies were suddenly mere seconds away from completely flying out of your mouth, seeing as his words left you feeling a mixture of excitement, shock, and nerves.

"you sure they won't be too big?" you asked him through a giggle, already picturing what it'd be like to be drowning in one of his shirts.

soobin looked up at you with the cutest, dimply grin. "i hope they are because then you'll look even cuter."

you didn't have time to feel shy before his lips met yours once again, allowing you to throw your hands around his neck to deepen the affection. his fingers hooked around the first two belt loops of your pants, slyly pulling you even closer to him.

"AH HA!! HAHAHA I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT, I TOLD YOU I KNEW IT!"

oh God, oh no, oh no, oh fuck, oh God no, fuck

for the second time that day, you pushed soobin as far as you could manage as if to pretend that the two of you were not caught in the act again.

only this time by the absolute last person you ever wanted to know.

"I TOLD YOU THESE TWO WOULD LOVE EACH OTHER! I TOLD YOU, DIDN'T I?!" mr. choi was practically screaming to the world at this point, despite mr. jeong being directly beside him. "AHAHAHA!!"

the man was laughing maniacally now, unable to contain the outright joy erupting from his body at the success story of his first and only matchmaking attempt.

"dad, please," soobin groaned, one of his hands running through his hair rather stressfully. his face was wearing the exact matching color of embarrassment as yours - you two practically looked like glowing christmas lights.

you were too busy silently screaming at yourself for your carelessness. you practically stood in front of the company waiting for the man to come out in order to put on the same show mr. jeong watched earlier.

"YAHH!" soobin finally raised his voice at the man, who refused to keep laughing his head off from pride. it was seriously like he wanted everyone in seoul to know by this point.

"mr. choi, please, i'm sure you've embarrassed the two enough by now," mr. jeong finally stepped forward, placing a hand on the ceo's shoulder to gain his attention.

"ahh, how long? how long has it been, huh?" mr. choi began to question you both, his excited smile practically covering his entire face. his eyes practically disappeared behind his cheeks, and you'd honestly find it adorable if you weren't deathly embarrassed.

"today makes one month," soobin answered.

your entire head practically snapped on your neck to shoot a glare at the boy beside you, unable to believe that he would admit such a detail to his father.

judging by the look of regret in his eyes, soobin also realized all too late the mistake he made as well.

"today? one month today?" mr. choi's eyes practically bulged out of his head now from the announcement. only after receiving an ashamed nod of approval from you both did he revert back to his cheerful self. "this calls for celebration!! we have to commemorate this special occasion!"

as the man began requesting for mr. jeong to bring his car around, you and soobin slowly looked over at one another with the same expression of defeat in your eyes.

your night together was forcibly being prolonged a little bit longer.

"ahh, i know the perfect restaurant for us to celebrate! i'm good friends with the owner, so i'm sure we'll be treated with the best service," mr. choi chuckled heartily, already pulling out his phone to make a reservation.

you couldn't help but to notice the usage of 'us' and 'we' as he spoke, unfortunately indicating the man clearly intended on joining you both.

just as the man turned his back while speaking cheerfully on the phone, soobin quickly caught you off guard by capturing your face in his hands and kissing you breathless before his father could turn around.

"wha- why?" was all you could manage to ask, still out of breath as you quickly ensured that his father hadn't seen him.

"i'm probably not going to be able to do that all night," soobin whispered to you, one of his hands falling from your face to intertwine again with yours.

once mr. jeong pulled around with the car escort, mr. choi practically ushered you both into the backseat - so as not to let either of you escape - while he took the passenger's side in the front. in any case, you were at least glad that he knew enough boundaries to not seat himself directly beside the two of you.

at first, the drive primarily consisted of soobin's father heartily praising himself for putting the two of you together. just as you had expected, he was all but asking for you both to personally thank him.

sure, you were thankful, but you did not want to have to sit there and inflate the man's ego anymore than it already was.

"you know, i do have friends over at signiel," mr. choi suddenly realized. "if i pull a few strings, i could possibly book the venue at least a year in advance. i know it's not traditional for the groom's father to have any say in the wedding, but it's the least i can do!"

as the man began rambling on about caterers and famous wedding planners, your face had practically made a home for itself in the palm of your hands. this was exactly why you would have much preferred to keep your relationship with soobin a secret for as long as you possibly could.

not wanting mr. choi to treat you any different was just an excuse — you really didn't want your boss/your boyfriend's father to start planning your wedding this far in advance!!

soobin sighed beside you, his hand reaching out to rest atop of your head in the best comfort he could manage at the moment. were he not confined by the restraint of a seatbelt, he would have already scooted over and engulfed you in his arms.

"i'm so sorry," soobin whispered to you softly on behalf of his crazy father.

you finally looked up from your hands to gaze over at the boy in embarrassment. only a second later did it shift into that of adoration.

regardless of the family he had, you still absolutely adored him. you would happily deal with the old man in the front seat a hundred times over if it simply meant that soobin could be yours forever.

soobin removed his hand's position from atop of your head in order to reach down and grab the hand that had fallen into your lap. bringing it up to his lips, he placed a delicate and gentle kiss once more on your knuckles to express his own adoration for you the best way he could.

your heart flipped over in your chest, and your entire body instantaneously relaxed under his touch. his affect on you was truly stronger than any drug, and it even helped you to tune out everything else.

"if we get married, can we just elope?" you found yourself joking.

without skipping a beat, soobin replied, "anything for you, angel."

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a/n:

not me going awwwww at my own characters, pls this is so embarrassing..

for the record, after this, y/n and soobin do have a silent agreement to celebrate their anniversary the day after from now on. mr. choi has pretty much taken over the actual anniversary date to join them every time, so now they have to celebrate by themselves the following day.

also i'm seriously seriously seriously going to miss writing these two already- I'M SO SAD!! they're my favorite :(( <;/3

ahhhh but anyway, i hope this little epilogue satisfied any expectations anyone may have had <3 i know it's not exactly crazy, but i seriously could only imagine the two of them to be dumb enough to get caught right in front of the company. i hope everyone genuinely enjoys this little bit <3 thank you so sos sos sos so much for all of your support to this point !!! you each have a very special place in my heart :,)

taglist:

@sha-aesthic @wccycc @yjusei @ihrtgyu @strawberrydaichi @seodami @sparkswhoz @o934pm @dongmeiii @cannedturtle @intrrverted @fanfangying1304 @n0tprettybutt1red @human-misery @baekberrie @softcabur @goldennika @jjhmk @taekwondoes @marekmybeloved @aishidaishi @hafsa-hoofsa-heefs

[ bold = couldn't be tagged :( ]

#tomorrow x together #tomorrow x together imagine #tomorrow x together imagines #txt #txt imagine #txt imagines #txt fluff #choi soobin #soobin #choi soobin x reader #soobin x reader #soobin imagines #soobin fluff

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