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emmythespacecowgirl · 1 year

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Perfect!! Can I please request a male ship from The Pacific? <3 Thank you so much my love!! I couldn’t find your ship guidelines since you recently changed your blog url so I followed an outline from a previous blog who you sent a ship for! If I am missing any more info for the guidelines let me know and I will re-submit!

– your gender/pronouns: female she/her – your sexuality/gender preference: i’m bi but i have never openly dated a woman before! for gender preference: male, since we know so much about the male characters in the pacific anyway! – your main flaws and most defining traits: my whole life i’ve dealt with emotional dysregulation, depression/social anxiety, identity disturbance, school and keeping up with my loved ones. I also procrastinate too much, I don't have my drivers license LOL. I have ADHD and there’s a possibility that I could also have borderline personality disorder cos of childhood trauma and the things listed above. People know me for being kind, funny, sarcastic, creative in the visual arts and hardworking cos of my part-time job and i’m nearly graduating college in april [crosses fingers] and i want to be a commercial model with a bit of runway as well as getting into figure skating and ballet.– your hobbies and pastimes: grunge aesthetics, photography, I love fashion from the 40s’-now, but wearing fashion that is trending rn i prefer the 90s and a bit of y2k but that’s lowkey fading from my closet. I love to draw/paint, watch tv/film and youtube, play minecraft, daydream, write stories and read books and fanfic, listen to many genres of music mostly metalcore/punk or indie rock, 90s/00’s and today’s r&b, lofi etc. i can also speak a bit of french, tagalog/cebuano and brazilian portuguese. I would love to learn ASL one day.

– your appearance: between 5’6’’-5’7’’! I am Filipina so I have tanned fair skin. I have natural jet black-hair but my hair was bleached red at the end of the summer - it’s fading so it looks more copper. I have what they call an 'inverted triangle shape' so my body is kind of weird: skinny chicken legs with a bulky man-like torso?? I wear glasses but i wear contacts because i often wear a lot of 90s glam makeup or Euphoria-inspired makeup (graphic liner, glitter, rhinestones/Maddy perez or Jules Vaughn makeup sometimes)

– your personality type one quiz i took told me i was ENTP due to my creativity and another told me i’m INFP-T cos of my concern for my personal growth and cos i am stressed af (lol love quizzes calling me out)

– any pet peeves: pretentious people, mouth noises/chewing or kisses noises (misophonia triggers), people who say the word “pree-sent” and not “present” (like ‘present a class project’), too many tabs on a desktop, when people talk to me too much and i can’t keep up with them, ppl interrupting me

– your love language: gifts, words of affirmation and physical touch!

– your zodiac sign (or big three): Leo Sun, Taurus Moon and Cancer Rising!

– your Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw!

– your insecurities: socially, mentally and emotionally being behind on everything. Physically, I have body image issues cos of my body shape. I also hate my face shape and my nose?? A lot of people hate their noises. Also I hate being insecure about my height. I wish to be the ideal height for runway.

hey mk!! wow congrats on almost being done with college :)) that's super exciting!

I ship you with:

Bob Leckie from The Pacific!

ship theme song: I Could Make You Care - Frank Sinatra and the Tommy Dorsey Orchestra

wow

this man is completely smitten

like, i'm talking Love At First Sight

he sees you a couple days after he arrives back home from overseas

and since this is Leckie

you bet your ass that he's gonna go straight up to you and ask for your number

he's very excited for you to graduate college!!

he'll look over any english paper that you want him to

he'll even let you borrow his typewriter

the first time you speak French or Portuguese in front of him

his mind is totally blown

he thinks it's the most beautiful thing he's ever heard

Leckie is a very wordy, encyclopedia bitch kinda person

so he can definitely provide you with words of affirmation

Leckie comes with his own brand of emotional baggage

between his cold, distant relationship with his own parents

and seeing nearly all of his friends get injured in the war

he needs some time to find himself again

and he wants to do that with you by his side <3

as long as you provide him with consistency and a safe listening ear

he's yours for life

in return, he tries to get you to put into writing the things that you might find difficult to tell your loved ones and friends

he has plenty of books to choose from if you're in need of some bibliotherapy

he thinks you're incredibly beautiful

and different from the other girls he grew up with

and he loves that

he takes time every day to remind of how pretty you are

he'll just watch you in the mornings

he loves to observe you picking out just the right outfit to wear

and he's so intrigued by how effortlessly you apply your makeup

I think Leckie is either an ENFP or INFP

but either way, a pairing with an INFP or ENTP is very complimentary

Leckie definitely understands your need for focus and concentration

he's the same way when it comes to assignments and getting work done

he's not a big fan of people interrupting him

so he'll always call or text to make sure that you're not busy before coming over

I would bet that this lad is a pretty good gift giver too

he's naturally observant

so Leck probably gets you a new pair of ice skates

or a new record by one of your favorite bands for your birthday

if you get him anything having to do with writing

this boy will melt like chocolate

he offers to teach you how to drive

Leckie definitely gives me Ravenclaw vibes

but honestly: this man thinks the Sun rises and sets at your feet

and he makes it his missions to help you recognize just how beautiful and perfect you are

he will never let you forget that <3

#enjoy #ships #my work #the pacific ships #bob ships #the pacific #bob leckie

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deadblrr · 1 year

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*Hunger and throwing up content warnings for real owwie and gross*

So turns out my anxiety isn't a thing that just stops me from going outside.

My sister is having a rough time so her (pregnant!) self and her 3 kids are staying over. They're sleeping and generally staying in the front room. Which is fine n dandy, I love my sister a whole bunch and although I don't like children, they overwhelm me easily, I do my best to be nice to them and give hugs and play little games when I go into the front room. Because no matter how much I fucking hate it and the noise and the mess, they're just kids that's what they do and for some god only knows reason they like me and I will NOT punish or upset these kids in any way just because I'm fuckin weird.

Anyways. Our flat (which the landlord might be selling so I might be homeless at some point? Either homeless or the rent goes up. Either way.. Fuck.) is tiny and the kitchen is a little rectangle attached to the front room and it's also fucking messy!

Okay so. Being in a messy place (but apparently only a mess i didn't make??) is rlly stressful and then there's also the kids so I kinda go to the kitchen to feed cat and then book it outta there. I do usually grab a couple packets of crisps or something but that's like not really a lot and also not an actual meal.

But, usually, i get by.

Last night my dad bought me a pizza which is cool because I very much hadn't eaten dinner the day before and also I think I are like some biscuits that day and that was it? But when I went to cook it..

So, our oven is broken and we have one of those little airfryer oven things but the slow cooker was already out on our only bit of kitchen counter and I didn't know where to put it and instead of asking I just.... Went to bed. I really didn't want to be an annoyance for my sister who was trying to sleep or my mum who was just so tired and had the kids sat with her.. And i think my dad was in the toilet but also I'd probably die before asking him for help anyways.

So I'm laying there, like oh ow. Probably should have eaten, huh? And then i start feeling sick. I sleep for a couple hours with myself propped up on plushies to help keep the sick feeling down and that's fine until I wake up at like midnight really in pain and feeling so very very sick. But moving sorta makes it worse. So i slowly sit up and figure alright. Guess that was enough sleep. But the feeling persists and gets worse and by the time I'm like "Oh Shit. I'm actually going to throw up and there's no stopping it" it's too late for me to manage to stand up and get to the bathroom so,,, I just kinda throw up on the floor. (important side note, I'm some kind of neurodivergent [duh] and sleep on the floor w blankets and plushies. So basically i vommed in my bed. Managed to move aside my blanket tho. So glad about that)

So like. Idk? That's obviously not good and I should probably be more worried about my health and making sure that I eat something but A. Sister asleep on frontroom floor, so I can't get a snak, and B... I'm apparently more worried about the inconvenience it'll be to wash my clothes and also the towel i used to mop up the mess.. Like. There's already clothes on the hangers and probably already clothes in the washing machine so idk how?? Idk how I'm supposed to wash my stuff without telling anyone because I CANT tell them because they'll think I'm stupid or my sister will feel bad about it and idk. I think I'd rather just like... Sit in my vommed on trousers and not leave my room before I starve to death.

Bit of an exaggeration but only because I hate being sick and thus if I'm gonna go I'd rather it not be via something that'll make me sick.

Idk. Just. Not fun. And idk why I'm like thisssss ugh. It's 2am so hopefully I can not throw up again before like. 6-7?.... Idk when ppl wake up I usually wake up at like 20 past 8.

#tw vomit #tw hunger #Idk if i need more tags pls let me know #And sorry if it takes me time to reply i #For likely obvious reasons #Don't stay logged into this acc #Sure hope this isn't a start of a trend... I do NOT need to develop some fuckin eating problem rn I'm so tired of life

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misticloyal · 2 years

Text

More Monkie Kid HC’s

I have absolutely nothing else to do then to debate things that could exist in an alternate universes with these ppl

-I saw a piece of fan art and I agree 100%, since Wu Kong’s staff is actually just a column from The Dragon of The East’s palace, he definitely knows how to pole dance. He’s got the strength of it and he’s a monkey so it’s obvious that he knows how to climb shit.

It’s just funny though since just because The Monkey King knows how to pole dance doesn’t mean he’s good at it, usually he’s just good at the acrobatics, the flow and calculated spins don’t really qualify as entertaining stuff in his books lmao

-MK is absolutely obsessed w/ space. At first he was only into his normal animal zodiac (monkey obv- also I’m so sad we don’t know literally any of the character’s birthdays RIP) but after he started using the internet more in his free time- he had time to browse the internet almost everyday but now he’s got so much shit to do- he found out that there’s European Zodiacs too, and got into those as well.

He’s got all his signs figured out, he makes AND takes those personality tests based off of your zodiac. One day he was fighting Red Son, took one look at him and was like “Yeah, you’d totally be an Aries 🙄”

Mei wouldn’t stop laughing for a week lmao

-Trans MK is basically cannon at this point, but training with Macaque bak in season 1 fully cemented MK’s experience as being treated as his gender but STEREOTYPED

This sounds way worse then I typed is as, but basically during his training with Macaque MK essentially was being encouraged to indulge in everything ‘a man’ does, like focus on power and strength over literally anything else, and ‘take charge’ and all that.

And while stereotypes usually piss him off, it was an eye opening experience per say cuz after the whole ordeal MK reflected on how most male assholes were encouraging themselves to act like they’re better then everyone on the planet. While for himself, MK had to actually have someone tell him that in order to become better at fighting he needs to embrace his ‘manliness’.

Eventually that’s one of the reasons why Macaque complimenting his fighting was so shocking and meaningful, since it approves the effort MK was making to pass all that time ago. (Now he’s more comfortable with masc and fem presenting whereas before he got dysphoria). Also imagine being the literal enemy and gender affirming your student because they’re genuinely doing well in something, Macaque did at least ONE thing correctly lmao

-After encountering LBD and everyone piling on the ship it wasn’t a secret that everyone was stressed out especially after Macaque tried to attack them (let’s assume for the sake of the argument that they managed to fend him off without capsizing the ship LMAo).

But MK started to notice how weary Wu Kong was of accepting anything. Like- if someone offered him food he could come up with a random excuse, if he was cold and someone offered him a blanket he’d just make his own, etc.

Obviously MK’s super heartbroken because of this and also vaguely curious so one day he asks Wu Kong what’s up, and after a lot of prodding, MK rounded up everyone and the Monkey King told them about how traumatizing and terrible the stupid fucking circlet was in JTTW.

^I’m making a whole post about this rn but HOLY SHIT I hate that goddamn circlet.

Wu Kong explains how he trusted Tripitaka (after glancing cautiously at Tang) and how he actually felt so betrayed when the circlet started to hurt. Also how close the happen stances were that after the JTTW gang saw the bone spirit for the first time Wu Kong got punished twice just for trying to protect everyone. (With influence from Zhu Ba Jie obv)

-Fighting some big demon eventually caused everyone to wait in this random room completely silent (like I’m talking everyone, Iron Fan, DBK, Macaque, Jin and Yin, etc.)

And it was super awkward so MK takes out his phone and you hear this dumbass fucking noise

Mei who instantly understood the assignment ALSO pulls out her phone and after the sound plays a second time Red son very loudly claims

“The world is about to fucking end and you guys are playing fucking Clash Royal?”

To which Jin and Yin EXPLODE with laughter and Red Son has to hastily explain this stupid ass American mobile game to all the deities and adults in the room that have no idea what the hell is going on.

Wu Kong downloads the game so he can beat MK cuz he’s competitive like that (and subsequently gets mad when they don't have a character base off of him and claims he will be sending a letter to the devs about it LMAO)

-After trying to lift the staff in the pilot Red Son took pity on the bull clone that lost its arms and made it have a nice and safe life as his personal servant (it’s way better than risking its robotic life everyday)

-MK gets handed a cup of coffee in the morning and is like “Oh awesome, thanks!”

And then heads to the cupboard to get his straw.

If he eats soft serve ice cream MK will also refuse to eat it unless he uses his straw. The reason why I say ‘his’ straw is because MK always carries a collapsable metal straw with him. He’s built DIFFERENT bro

-In an AU where everyone’s on the airship and Macaque redemption arc is happening, Macaque and Wu Kong constantly switch glamours as each other whenever they don’t have the energy to do something.

Wu Kong has to sit through a lecture with Sandy, and Macaque has nothing else to do? Switch

Macaque is about to get ambushed by MK because he won’t stop asking by about his ears? Cashing in the favour, switch

It even happens for menial chores like washing dishes and doing the laundry and since they treat their switching as a reward/token system it’s like

“Macaque you get to do my turn in laundry, I’m cashing in my switch”

“Wha- no the fuck you’re not, it’s MY turn and I’m saving mine, bitch”

“Uhhh haha very funny, no it’s not I was keeping count dude-“

“Wu Kong don’t even try it I literally have the calendar right here and it says: Last switch- Macaque as Wu Kong hid from Mei and Red Son after he stole their chips,”

“Hmmm okay you make a compelling argument, HOWEVER- and hear me out here: how about you do it anyway” And then he ran off glamoured as Macaque.

“MONKEY KING ITS YOUR TURN TO DO THE LAUNDRY I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SET YOU ASS ON FIRE IF YOU DONT” -Red Son

“Gods fucking damnit peaches I’m going to kill you,”

-When MK fights demons he often ends up rambling about whatever he can think about in order to organize his thoughts, balance stress/nervousness, and in general throw off the enemy. This leads to some... interesting interactions w/ them lmao.

Red Son (we’re considering Spicynoodles cannon bois) finds this endearing but also extremly annoying. Especially while he’s trying to chase MK down he can’t stop hearing

“Okay so yeah anyway as I was saying, there was this moment where he actually tries to kill himself but in a moment of- OH SHIT THAT’S HOT STOP TRYING TO SHOOT FIRE AT ME DUDE- in a moment of realization that he was being manipulated he jumps into a lake instead of hitting the ground-”

So... that’s something

-Extension to that: the only demon that does something other than try and kill him whenever he starts rambling is Macaque. Which sounds weird, but considering that back when Macaque and Wu Kong were still friends he would do this all the time, Macaque actually indulges MK in his ramblings.

Like MK would start talking about the plot of some movie he saw the other day- mention sponges and Macaque would be like

“Y’know kid it’s literally the weirdest thing that you humans use dead plants as a way to- what clean dishes? I mean just use a cloth it’s not that hard. Apparently sponges used to be made from coral I heard over the TV a couple days ago-”

“WHAT? Nuh-uh you’re lying we don’t use coral for sponges- AH DUDE CHILL OUT YOU ALMOST CRUSHED MY SKULL THAT TIME!”

“Oops, too bad I was a few centimeters off- anyway yeah I didn’t believe it earlier but if I think about it back in the old days we used to use moss all the time to get a cloth wet in order to wash shit since it stores water well so it wouldn’t be that far off-”

-Extra extra to this: one day Wu Kong stumbles into one of MK and Macque’s fights since he was in the area and all- and hears them hotly debating the credibility of some of Wu Kong’s adventures.

Mk while running for his actual LIFE:

“Okay I hear what you’re saying Macaque, but there is NO WAY Monkey King ate through those clothes that quickly! They would’ve opened the box already-“

Macaque while scanning the rubble to look for MK:

“Kid you have no idea what you’re talking about: I was THERE, dude. I was right there when it happened-“

Mk: “NUH UH that’s not in any of the books!”

Macaque: “YOU THINK SOME RANDOM HISTORIAN KNOWS I WAS STALKING THE GROUP AT THAT TIME!?”

Wu Kong: “You were WHAT”

Etc.

-Another one where everyone’s on the ship:

Sandy made a playlist that’s HUGE and plays it on shuffle on the speakers everyday. Usually it’s a bunch of like- 80′s music- idk how to describe it except for music you’d listen to while smoking a cigarette while it’s raining and looking out your window

Basically I’m aiming to say it’s really chill music

Anyways when this song comes on both Macaque and Wu Kong happen to be on the deck at the same time, and they ended up sitting down and reminiscing on all types of stupid shit they did in the past.

It eventually became a ritual so whenever they hear the beginning of the song they drop everything they’re doing and make a beeline for they’re spot on the very edge of the ship so they can be only deities and brag about

“OH MY GODS remember back in the old days how-”

“Haha ‘back in the old days’- you sound like an old man, Peaches”

“Shut the hell up, Macaque I do not,”

“Uh huh, whatever helps you sleep at night 姥爷 ”

(姥爷 is basically saying old grandpa- a double insult to Wu Kong’s age in this context lol)

-Macaque really wanted to learn how to play an instrument at some point because he saw the weird human thing make noise (that slightly bothered him because of his sensitive hearing but he brushed it off-) and wanted to try it.

The first thing he ever picked up was a bell.

The attempt ended with him curled up on the ground clutching his ears to just stop the ringing- he threw away the blasted copper piece of trash why were his ears still ringing?

He tried again with a Guqin since it makes an actual melody instead of being a percussion instrument but..,,,

He plucked a single string and feeling the vibration along with the intense sound overwhelmed him and he had to jump away from the thing to keep himself from throwing it across the field.

Yeah, Macaque stays away from instruments even though he actually was interested in learning how to use one.

-If you take this into account s3e8 is just so much sadder *cries*

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olympiansally · 3 years

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The audience would be hella interested in a part 2 of lawlight headcanons! :)

Oh, then you absolutely shall have it kajwiaiakajaia

This one is for you anon and also for @eevi3 who sent the first ask and also requested part 2!!

also, here is part 1

Aaaahhh here it goes then 🥰

- Light usually falls asleep first and L (insomniac king) takes longer to sleep, but the more time passes with them being together, the more L starts using Light’s deep asleep breaths as a white noise of sorts that comforts him enough that he can sleep too. Eventually, it gets to a point that all it takes for L to fall asleep is Light sleeping, and then he’s immediately out too

- They keep the handcuffs for uhh other activities, but it always ends up been very full of feelings whenever they use them because they can’t stop saying how much they love each other and how glad they are they found one another

- L makes a habit of massaging Light’s feet whenever he’s stressed and every single time Light pretends to hate it for exactly 2 seconds before melting into it

(adding a cut here because this got long lmao)

- L doesn’t like getting foot massages himself, but Light discovers that running his fingers through L’s hair is one of the best ways to have him speechless immediately

- Sayu doesn’t like L at first because she thinks he looks creepy and Light could do better, but L wins her over with how funny he always is making fun of Light. Eventually, Sayu grows up to became super into politics and such and when they finally tell her that “Ryuzaki” is the great detective L she fangirls harder than she had at Misa

- In the beginning of their relationship L says he hates cuddling and refuses to do it, but the very first time he wakes up to realize they started cuddling in their sleep he decides that it’s the best thing in the whole entire world and demands they do it everyday. Light thinks the complete change of his mind is hilarious, but he’s more than happy to go along with it

- Light gets overwhelmed with the Kira memories sometimes, but L is always there to calm him down. He looks into Light’s eyes whenever he cries about it just to remind him that he’s there and he knows and he loves him, all of him

- Sometimes, after Light falls apart at the Kira memories, he likes to ask L if they can sleep with the handcuffs on. Light needs them as a reminder that L saw him, all of him, before anyone else did and chose him anyway. L is always quick to agree because he likes them too, they remind the two of them that they are connected, together and that that won’t change because despite everything, they chose each other

- They make a habit of going out in the rain. Sometimes they just stand around, sometimes they just hug and kiss, every now and then they dance for a bit. The rain is one of the only things that always manages to calm L down when his anxiety gets too much, so Light joins him, stands with him until they are both soaking wet and laughing, and then they do it again next time it rains.

- They are that annoying couple that constantly forgets about the rest of the world and only have eyes for each other. Their staring contests, teasing and challenging both, get so intense sometimes that they don’t even listen to ppl clearing their throats and trying to get their attention. There’s nothing anyone can do to get them out of those and the staring only ends when one of them breaks and blushes, or one of their smirks get too sharp and then they all but run away to make out. Watari and Soichiro are absolutely exasperated at their antics, but in a caring way because it’s clear how happy they are. Matsuda finds the whole thing adorable.

- L believes without a shadow of a doubt that they would have found each other no matter what. If it hadn’t been Kira, maybe Light would have helped out in a case once he was an officer, or maybe Light would have committed some other high profile case, maybe Light would have gotten interested in the worlds greatest detective and figured out how he was. L knows it would have happened somehow because there is no way they would have gone their entire lives not knowing how much they were made for each other. Light disagrees, he doesn’t think they were meant to meet, he thinks Kira made them meet. It’s his favorite thing about having been Kira and he’s thankful for it everyday. L sees them as unavoidable, meant to be. Light sees them as a strike of luck, a perfect blessing. They both know it’s the best thing to have ever happened to them.

Ok wow so, I made myself emotional 🥺

I just... can you tell that I love them?

This was another amazing ask to answer!! It was very fun and full of feelings for me, so thanks :’)

As always, come talk to me about the murder gays anytime 😉

#i was just 🥺 🥰 the whole time writing this #they are just so in love :’)#i might have made the headcanons a bit too emotional tbh sorry kajsiwwkia #btw can you tell the rain thing is based on a real thing? As in come stand with me in the rain and kiss my anxiety away pls #anyway i’m literally in love with how in love they are yk?#and i loved loved loved writing this whole thing ❤️#i’m lowky high on love right now bro they are just SO IN LOVE ugghh #ANYWAY #lawlight #yagami light #l lawliet #death note #dn

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darklymelanatedstories · 3 years

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Oh shxt I forgot!! (ft Vegeta&Bulma)

"So what do you think, sir?"

Vegeta gave a small smile and a nod. "It's perfect." He took one more glance at it before covering it up. Vegeta had been planning this for a while. He wanted this to be the best no threatening surprise she'd have that year.

After he's quick check up on his surprise he headed home. When he entered he was greeted by silence, so he assumed all the lazy bums he loved were still asleep. Not that it really mattered. It was 5am anyway. He crept into the room him and Bulma shared and couldn't help but smile when he saw her peacefully resting with drool running down her chin and messy hair and all. How could he love so many perfect imperfections.

Although Bulma wasn't much of an early bird, he did know that sleep was important to the woman so he decided to let her be.

"Hmm, she's been working hard yesterday on her projects and improving the gravity chamber.",Vegeta thought. "Just as well."

Vegeta moved her hair away then kissed her forehead before going down to the kitchen. He tried making her breakfast but ended up with a messy kitchen and broken eggs. Now he had to remind Bulma to buy eggs again. He was sure he made such a noise that he woke the whole neighborhood.

Trunks walked into the room and gave his father puzzled a look.

"Dad..?"

"Don't!",Vegeta exclaimed. Trunks raised his hands up slowly and backed away. Not wanting to be there during his father's frustration.

"Wait boy.",he said. Trunks immediately stopped. "Yes dad?"

"Clean this place up before you mother sees.",Vegeta ordered as he turned to leave. "I'll owe you one."

"Too late." The two jumped at the sudden voice. Vegeta slowly turned towards his wife.

"What the hell happened here?",Bulma questioned as her eyes scanned her ruined kitchen.

"Uh, you see. I was just trying to make you breakfast.",Vegeta explained, a bit embarrassed at his predicament. Bulma looked shocked, her eyes widened. "Really? That's so unlike you." She crossed her arms and raised her brow. "What are you up to? What's the occasion?"

Vegeta furrowed his eyebrows. "You would know. It's a special day today."

Bulma looked like she was even more confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You really don't remember do you?",Vegeta's expression contorted to slight anger. "I can't believe you. After I actually made an effort this time."

"Vegeta." Bulma carefully approached him and attempted to rest her hand on his shoulder. He immediately shrugged her off.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!",he yelled and stomped out.

"What's he so mad about? He's the one that wrecked my kitchen."

Trunks held his chin and thought. He knew there was something special about today.

"Isn't today your anniversary thing?"

Bulma gasped as she realised. How could she forget? And how did Vegeta remember?

"Oh shxt I forgot!!",she muttered then quickly cupped her hands over her mouth as soon as she remembered that Trunks was in the room.

"Don't worry mom. I've heard that word before.",he assured her.

"What!?"

"Nothing.",Trunks quickly walked out of the room. "I think I hear Bulla crying. I better check on her."

Bulma groaned. "Oh, how could I forget our anniversary? I always bug Vegeta about it."

"You forgot your anniversary!?" Chi Chi stared at Bulma with shock. "It's not like you." But what shocked her more was the fact that Vegeta even tried cooking.

"Yeah, I was so busy with my current machines that I forgot completely."

Goku walked into the room, he actually heard enough of their conversation to know what was going on.

"Why don't you just say you were pretending to forget to surprise him?" The two woman stared at Goku like he was crazy.

"That's not a bad idea, Goku."

"Yeah. I've used that a bunch of ti–"he stopped as soon as Chi Chi sent him a glare. "I guess I'm just full of good ideas."

"Anyway gotta go. Bye Chi Chi, Bulma.",Goku said as he rushed out of the house.

"Grrr. Goku!" Chi Chi groaned then turned to her blue haired friend. Bulma got up excitedly, hitting her fist into her palm as a plan formed in her genius head.

"I got it!"

"You're seriously gonna do it?"

"Well maybe...but I'm thinking of getting him a large buffet of food. You know how these Saiyans love to eat."

"I guess. But just hope it's better than Vegeta's gift so he won't be too mad."

"I always give the best gifts."

"Hey Vegeta." Goku said as he descended next to the Saiyan prince.

"What do you want Kakarot?"

"Happy anniversary." He opened his arms attempting to hug Vegeta but he ended up with a hand on the face pushing him back onto the ground.

"Doesn't feel happy.",he grumbled. "How could she forget. After all my planning."

"Wow. What did you plan?"

"None of your business!"

Goku gave him a sheepish smile as he crossed his legs and scratched the back of his head. They sat in silence for a while as Goku looked up at the sky.

"Well anyway. I say you should still go ahead with it. I mean think of all the times she did amazing things for you. I bet she'd really appreciate this."

Vegeta just grunted. Goku took that as a bit of a sign and got up to leave.

"Well that's all I wanted to say. I better get going. I promised Piccolo I'd train with him."

And with that Goku took off. Vegeta thought for a moment about what he said.

"Not a bad idea."

The sun just started setting and Vegeta waited outside in his maroon suit that he didn't really like wearing but it was a special day and it did make him look good.

He had told Goku to bring her around and was getting impatient. What was taking so long?

"Goku. I have to get everything ready."

Goku tilted his head. "What exactly are you doing? Planning a party?",he said as he watched people take food and party supplies out of a bunch of vans. "Because you know Vegeta's not a huge fan of those." He chuckled.

Bulma hung her head. "Ugh, I know. I've been so stressed that I'm not even thinking clearly."

"How bout you just bring the food in and come with me?"

"Fine." Bulma told the workers to put everything back except the food. Once that was done, Goku scooped her up and took her where he agreed to meet Vegeta.

The sun had set and finally the two have arrived.

"About time.",Vegeta mumbled.

Goku let Bulma down and took off, leaving the two.

"Vegeta look I–"

She was cut off when Vegeta placed his finger on her lips then lifted up her chin. This was the first time she actually saw him properly or her surroundings.

"Nice suit.",she said. Looking around with awe she couldn't help the feelings of excitement and love clearly showing in her body language.

She was in her garden which was beautifully decorated. The lights placed around the flowers lit it up beautifully, even making the pond sparkle. There were fireflies bringing another mix of light into the jars they were jailed in. It reminded Bulma of when she'd go camping with her sister and father.

"Wow." Without saying another word, or any word since she got there, he took her hand and led her to the gazebo in the middle of the garden.

There was some of Bulma's favourite foods and a large bottle of her favourite champagne in a silver bucket of ice.

What drew her attention was the object concealed under a white tarp.

"Vegeta–"

"Before you say anything.",he walked up to the objects. "I know I shouldn't have gotten angry this morning and that you've been stressed out lately. I'm sorry."

"It's fine Vegeta."

He took hold of the tarp. "I also hate doing this sappy stuff so..." He dramatically pulled it off. "Happy anniversary, my love."

Bulma was left speechless. She got closer and Vegeta watched with a smile on her face.

"What do you think?",he asked but he knew she loved it.

"I had it done by that artist you love so much."

In front of Bulma was a beautiful painting of her and Vegeta on their wedding day.

She trapped Vegeta in an embrace and he wrapped his arms around her waist as he pulled her closer.

"I love you."

"Love you too.",he mumbled.

He pulled out of the hug and pulled out a chair for her in the gazebo.

He looked at the amount of food he had prepared for tonight and frowned.

"There's no way this is satisfying me. Damn, now I'm starving for the woman",he thought. He's hunger must've shown on his face because Bulma gave him a knowing look and winked.

"Oh I got that covered." She took her phone out and dialled a number.

"Bring it in guys."

In a matter of seconds people were bringing so much food that there wasn't any space on the table.

Soon Vegeta was stuffing his face.

"Have I told you lately how much I love you?",he said in between chews.

Bulma giggled then looked over at her paintings.

"Yeah, you even showed me."

Art by @lem0uro

Check her out ppl. She's amazing.

♡♡♡♡♡

#vegeta #bulma #vegebul #anniversary #goku

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yandere-for-you · 4 years

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HOLY SHIT!!, sorry but I’m happy to finally have this done!

This takes place pre canon atlest a year or so

I tried to make this as gender neutral as possible but the reader is called mom in this and there is mention of pregnancy and brainwashing with medicine

I own none of these ppl.

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It started with headaches.

It was unusually bright today in the sector, in the apartment, that your small family lived in and you were sitting on the couch, watch your four year old son, Lea, playing with his toys on the floor. When suddenly you were hit with this awful headache, it was more migraine then headache actually but still you felt terrible. You placed a hand over your eyes.

"Mama?" Opening one eye, you saw your kid looking up at you worried. You loved your son, even if the time you were pregnant with him was fuzzy; one minute you had shown Reno the test, the next you were in the hospital, nine months later, tired and high on pain killers, with your husband by your side who had your new born in his arms. Reno had told you it was a healthy little boy and let you name him. You decided on Lea, which for some reason, to you, it just fit in your hazy mind.

Picking him up, you sat him on your lap, he snuggled against you, "Just a headache, little firebug."

You knew you made a mistake in telling him when his eyes widened and he tried hopping up.

"Gotta tell dad!"

You stopped him, patted his head, "No, no, no, it's just a headache. No need to worry your dad about this."

"But-"

You gently shook your head, laying down and pulling your son with you, "Let's just rest and it'll go away.", he wiggled around to get comfortable before finally settling down. You'd only closed your eyes for a second, just for a second.

Then before you knew it, you had woken up in your bed and the only soft light from the lamp your bed-side table illuminated the room enough to for you to see. Sitting up, you saw the sun had set and it was nighttime. As you got out of bed, you saw you were dressed in an over sized button up. Reno must have changed you out of your day clothes. It was nighttime so he must be home, but he wasn't in bed.

You walked out of bedroom and into the living room, where you say your husband was sitting on the couch, dressed in a plain black shirt and pj pants with another lamp on and the tv running with some seemly boring show, "Hey, Babydoll, you're up.", you made an agreeing noise as you sat on the couch then curled up against him and he placed an arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer.

"How was work?"

He hummed, "Same old, same old.", you wouldn't really know, Reno never really told you in detail what he did for work, all he told you was that he worked in an office and sometimes had boring days.

"Rude?"

"He's fine, says hi.", you felt bad not being able to see your husband's partner a lot, giving that he was also his best friend and Lea's godfather.

"Did you eat? Sorry I fell asleep before you got home."

Reno chuckled, kissing you on the forehead, "Yeah, me and Rude picked up something, fed Lea, he's asleep in his room. There's something for in the fridge for-", you didn't wait for him to finish has you jumped over the couch and over to the kitchen. You flipped him off when you heard him laugh at you as you pulled out the take out box.

After heating up a plate, you curled back up against him, having changed the channel to something more else, "Sooo, a little munchkin told me you were having headaches?", you nearly choked on your food then after drinking some water to get the food down, you looked at him in embarrassment for being caught keeping something from him. He ran a hand through the your hair, "Could have called and told me. Have you been taking your meds?"

You picked at your food, "I just didn't want to bother you, you're busy with work and yes, I have everyday, like I'm suppose too."

He hummed, "Should we go to the doctors'? They could take a look, make sure nothin' wrong with your meds.", you froze at what he said, you really, really, didn't want to go to the doctors'. You hated them and their hospital/offices, they felt cold and unfriendly, even if they tried to plastered on a friendly smile whenever one of the significant others of Reno's friends or you were around. You gave birth to your son in one of the rooms of the hospital and as soon as the drugs wore off, you wanted to leave, immediately, which caused them to drug you up even more, so you wouldn't hurt yourself or them.

"Please, Reno, it was just a headache and I'm fine now. I really don't wanna go back there.", you place the plate on the coffee table, not really feeling hungry anymore.

"Hey, hey, it was just a suggestion. I know how much you hate it there.", he picked up the plate as he got up from the couch. You watched as he placed the food back in the box and then back in the fridge. Your husband walked back over and kneeled down in front of you, "Let's go to bed, Babydoll."

"No doctor?"

He chuckled, "Nah, no doctor, just tell me if you have anymore problems. Now, come one, bed time.", you agreed and both of you quickly brushed your teeth and went to bed.

Then you were seeing and remembering weird things.

You were at home, cleaning up the apartment and watching Lea and his friend, Isa, who was dropped off by his mother, Li Mei, the wife of your husband's boss, Tseng. Li Mei was a beautiful woman from Wutei, with two different colored eyes, one a deep pretty brown and a beep blue, light blue hair that matched her son's and flawless skin. Honestly, sometime you were kinda jealous of her flawless looks, you only had a son and she had two kids, and yet, she looked like she wasn't stressed as hell with raising them. Xion was their other child, a daughter, with hair like her father but with her mother's soft face and blue eyes.

You froze, seeing something strange appeared in your reflection of the window you were cleaning. Leaning closer, you wondered if you had always had that strange bright green ring around the pupils of your eyes, "Mama!", you filched away from the window and looked down to see the boys standing to the side of you. Lea holding up your phone.

"Yes, you two?"

"Dad's calling! Also we're hungry, food please!"

Sighing through your nose, you smiled and grabbed your phone from him, "Okay, let me talk to your dad then I'll make something for lunch. Go on, go play.", you bend down and kissed him on the head and messed up Isa's hair, which made him pout and then follow a giggling Lea back to the living room to play. You answered the call and placed it to your ear, "Hello, sweetie. Why are you calling, you don't usually call when your at work unless somethings up."

"Aahhh, Caught me, Baby doll. But I just got the feeling I needed to-", you flinched away from the phone as a yelp came from it.

You place it back against your ear, "Um...What..what was that?"

"Some one hit their toe on their desk or something I think, don't worry about it, Gorgeous. So, how's you and the munchkin doing?"

Rolling your eyes, you answered him, "We're doing fine, Li Mei dropped off Isa because she had to take Xion to a check up.", you made your way to the kitchen and started pulling things out, looking for something to feed the kids, "And I'm just trying to find or make some lunch for the kids.",

"Great, anymore headaches?"

"No, I'm haven't had any in a week.", in truth you had been having them, one almost everyday for the week since they started but you really didn't want to worry your husband, you decided on making a sandwich, "How do you feel about curry tonight for dinner?"

"If it's the spicy kind you make, hell yeah!", you smiled at the enthusiasm he showed about your cooking, you weren't the best but he thought whatever you made was.

"Of course, but I need to to pick up some stuff from the store before you get home."

"Got it, send me a list, Baby doll.", as you were saying your I love yous and before you hung up, you thought you heard another scream, this time for help. Looking down at your black screen, and saw that the green ring, you thought saw a moment ago, was gone. You shrugged as you placed your phone on the counter then picked up the plates, filled with the kids' lunch.

The next time something happened was when you were getting up in the morning. Your son had jumped on you both as you slept, yelling about how it's the weekend and dad has the day off and, "Get up, get up, get uuuuup!!",

You groaned, rolling over to Reno with your eyes still closed you told him, "Your son's awake."

"Before 8 am, and coffee, he's your son.", then you smirked when you heard him grunt as Lea landed on him, "Alright, Alright, Munchkin, I'm up.", cracking open an eye, you giggled when you saw the claw marks you left on his back last night, good thing he put pants on afterward. You stopped when Reno side eyed you, and smirked. Squeaking, you hid under the blankets, listening to him chuckle as he picked up his son and walked out of the room, telling you he would get breakfast started.

You tossed the blanket off as soon as they were gone then sat up and stretched. Getting up, you walked over to the bathroom and turned on the lights only to nearly trip backwards at what you saw in the mirror. In the mirror was you but you looked strange in the reflection there were bruises and cuts on your body and your face had a bleeding cut on your cheek, you looked like you had gotten into a fight and a pretty bad one, "Baby Doll?", blinking, you saw your normal everyday self reflecting back at you and the only bruises you had were on your neck and peeking on from your shirt collar. You turned to see Reno looking at you with narrowed eyes, worriedly.

You rubbed your eyes, "Yeah, yeah before you ask I'm okay. Do you need to use the bathroom or anything?"

He hummed, "Naah, used the other one, was worried about ya. You take your pills?"

You huffed, "Not yet, was about too.", you waved him away, "Now shoo, you tomcat. I need to use the bathroom, myself.", He grinned then kissed you on the lips as he rubbed your back and left, telling you he'd had the coffee ready in a bit.

After using the bathroom, you held your pill bottle in your hands, staring at it. It was a plain orange bottle with a white lid, a normal bottle, all considering but it had no label. You didn't even pick up your own medicine, even ever you were running low, you would tell Reno or Rude and they would get them for you. Dropping one in your palm, you stared closely at the white and green capsule, wondering if you were ever going to stop taking these, probably never with the way your husband was. The last time you suggested maybe weening you off of them, Reno had gone still and quiet, narrowed his eyes at you then got really close to your face, so close you could see the very light freckles doting across his nose and cheeks. He smirked at you, but you knew in your gut it wasn't very kind, he told you that he could take you to the doctors and see what they said, then two weeks had pass and before you knew it, you had gotten pregnant with Lea and it was really never brought up again. Maybe...maybe, just this once you could stop taking them and make him see you were just fine without them. You watched as the little capsule made its way down the toilet, hoping this wouldn't come back to bite you in the ass.

It came to bite you in the ass and bite you hard at lest two or so weeks later. You were home alone, with Reno at work and Li Mei being so kinda to watch over Lea with you just wanting to get some stuff done and some alone time to yourself, you busied yourself with doing the normal chores around the house. You were sitting on the couch, folding laundry when out of no where a terrible pain ran through your head, it felt a lot worst then the first headache. You let out a cry of pain as you bent over, holding your head. Flashes of memories went through your head, some you hoped weren't real.

When it was finally over, you looked up and glanced around wide eyed at the apartment, "W..where am I? What happened? Wait...", you pinch the bridge of your nose, blinking away the rest of the pain then you remembered what happened and who you really were.

You were...are(?) a part of Avalanche, a rebel group that fought against ShinRa and its Turks...wait, Turks! Standing up, you looked around, again and saw a photo frame. You snatched it up and saw you holding a little red headed boy, no, that was your son, Lea and standing next to you both, with his arms loosely around you both, was...fucking Reno Sinclair, second in command of the Turks and a really, really, really, dangerous man. You remembered, now, how you had fought him a hand full of times and only barely gotten away with a only a few bruises and maybe a broken finger or two.

So, why were you here?

Glancing down at your hand, you nearly screamed when you saw a deep red and sliver wedding band on your ring finger. You looked closer at the photo then tossed it away from you when you saw a matching ring on Reno's hand. You felt nausea roll around in your stomach, were...were you married to a Turk? How were you married to a Turk?! How long had this been going on and why can't you-Gasping, you ran into the main bedroom bathroom, you ripped open the medicine cabinet, then grabbed the blank pill bottle. These...these things that he was making you take had...brainwashed you into marrying and having a kid with him. You looked at the date written on the bottle with marker and dropped it in shock when you saw it was five years.

Five years of brainwashing and being in a relationship with this man. Did your friends at Avalanche think you were dead?

Oh, God you had to get out of here!

You changed into a pair of torn looking jeans, comfortable and easy to move in, an over sized hoodie from the closet and a pair of boots that were a size to big, then you packed a small bag with what you needed, just enough to get to sector seven, check on everyone and then find a way out of Midgar, maybe go to Wutai, you had a friend there, or Icicle Area, or..or...anywhere but here. You pulled off the ring and placed it beside the picture frame, taking one more glance at it, you felt shame and guilt waste over you as you looked at your son, you felt bad for leaving him behind but being on the run with a four year wasn't safe for either of you. You know Li Mei, the poor woman was probably also brainwashed, will take care of him. You pulled the hoodie over your face then walk down the hallway, you left through the window, and down the fire escape, making sure no one saw you.

Li Mei had an awful feeling something was wrong when her friend, (Name), didn't come pick up Lea from her apartment on the time they said they would, then she got even more worried when an hour passed and still no (Name). They were never late picking up their son, really they were never late for anything. Making sure the kids were still playing and ignorant to her worry, she grabbed her phone and quickly dialed her friend's husband, "Li Mei, what's up? Like, I don't mind ya calling but if something's wrong you should really tel-"

She didn't let him finished as she blurted out, "(Name) hasn't come to pick up Lea at the time they said, it's been an hour, Reno, and I'm worried.", there was silence for a moment.

"Ya sure? Maybe they're just-"

"Reno, you and I both know (Name) hates being late for anything and if they were, they would call and tell us.", Li Mei bit at her knuckles, an awful habit she had picked up from childhood when nervous that her husband, Tseng, was trying to get her to stop.

"....Fuck..Fuck, I'll right, I'll tell Tseng what's going on, you make sure for the time to keep the kids from figuring out what's going on."

"Of course, please, find them, Reno.", they hung up and she glanced from her phone to the mini red head, hoping the boy didn't find out something happened to his other parent. But, Lea was a very smart and observant child and she he would find out what was going on soon.

Reno and Rude walked into the red head's apartment and immediately their senses were on edge, something was wrong, "Baby Doll?", bright blue eyes narrowed as they glanced around then down the hallway. He turned to his partner, "Check the kitchen, I'll get the living room.", Rude went to the kitchen and he walked into and around the living room. Reno saw the half done laundry on and around the couch, but nothing else seemed out of place, until he saw something sparkle beside the picture of his family. Picking it up, he nearly had a heart attack when he saw it was (Name)'s wedding band, "Fuck..Rude!", he ran into the kitchen, and showed Rude the ring.

"Shit..this is a problem."

"No shit!", he placed the ring in his pocket then ran down the hall to their room, "(Name)?!", he looked in the closet, in the bathroom, even under the bed. As he went to check his son's room, Rude walked into the bathroom and saw the pill bottle. Picking it up, he walked back out and met his partner in the hallway.

"Reno, have they been taking their medication?"

The red head run a hand through the his already messy hair, "uh, yeah, I've been making su-", his eyes widened when he remember what happened a few months ago, "FUCK! I should have taken them to the ShinRa doctors as soon as Lea told me they were having headaches.", headaches were the first sign that the medication was beginning to stop working, then seeing or remembering things, and last it was having the urge to stopping taking the pills altogether and then remembering everything.

Reno looked at his partner, "Call Tseng, tell him we have a Code: Runaway. I gotta go see Lea, make sure he's okay."

"Got it, partner.", Rude pulled out his phone and dialed up his boss as Reno went to Li Mei's place.

They wouldn't catch you for half a year.

#yandere final fantasy #final fantasy #reno ff7 #reno ffvii #ffvii #gender netural reader #reader insert #yandere #final fantasy vii

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brytmoon · 4 years

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i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

#adhd things #undiagnosed adhd #adhd culture #adhd inattentive

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mychemicalaromanticism · 3 years

Text

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

#cat talks #lore #ok2rb but what a mess this post is

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shameless-selfship-indulgence · 3 years

Text

Girl Help Part 2

I wrote this in a fucking frenzy

there’s no, like, content worth warning about in this one though

"calais," said Marvus. "cuh-LIE-is. soundz like a troll name."

"A troll name?" asked Calais.

"fo sho babe," said Marvus. "six n six. marvus xoloto. trizza tethis. all part o da fxxked up hellawhack shiznack dat dictates r planets whole history n shit. twelves all over da dam place."

"Is that what you are?" asked Calais. "A...troll?"

Marvus blinked at her, a slow, lizard-like blink. He gave a low whistle. "dam we gotta start w da basics here."

The planet was called Alternia, the species was called trolls. The entire society revolved around a rigid caste system based on blood color, which divided trolls into twelve distinct subtypes with different physical traits. Red was at the bottom, Fuchsia at the top.

"its all bullshit tho," he added at the end. There was a flash of something in his eyes.

"What was that thing you were doing?" asked Calais. "Earlier. To me."

Did Marvus stiffen ever so slightly? Was that a flare in his nostrils? His eyes flicked up and down Calais with lightning speed before he leaned back with affected nonchalance.

"chucklevoodoos," he said. There was something guarded in his voice.

Calais blinked at him for a second, hoping that the jumble of noise he had just poured at them would sort itself out. No luck.

"Chuck-a-what?"

"chuck-el-voo-doos," said Marvus again. "purpleblood shit. wuz doin it 2 every1, not jus u."

"You mean like...mind control?" Calais guessed.

Marvus frowned. "controlz a strong word 4 it, my dude. its more like vibez."

Calais suddenly understood something.

Should she say it? She usually liked to have her cards on the table. She did it as often as she could, in the hopes that the other person would do the same. She got the feeling this man wouldn't, though.

But then again, he already had all the power in this situation. The only hope that she had was to try to build some sort of relationship with him, and she liked it when those were built on trust. Besides, she liked being honest better. Easier to remember her answers.

But still, a voice in the back of her head screamed at her to think it through a bit more, even as she opened her mouth and blurted out-

"You don't like that you can't control me."

Marvus looked slightly taken aback. He narrowed his eyes a bit. "no, I don't," he said slowly. Candidly. His hand started to edge towards his cane.

Oh shit, he thought she was trying to flex on him. Calais started to fumble, multiple different de-escalators and disclaimers colliding on the way out of her mouth and throwing random sounds everywhere.

Eventually she managed to concentrate enough to form real words.

"I-I mean you CAN," said Calais. "You CAN control me. I just hate it. I hate it enough that I can tell that it's happening."

Marvus paused. Calais continued, trying to explain everything in a rush.

"Not that it feels bad. It feels good. That's what I hate about it. I can tell in my head that it's not how I'd normally feel. I know that normally I'd be...repulsed. Normally I'd have a sense of...boundaries. And what's gross and what's not. And whatever the chuckle thing does, it doesn't stop me from being scared. I'm always scared of that."

"scared of wat?" Marvus asked. His teeth glinted in a smirk. "gettin ur pail on?"

"My what?"

"dam. dunno wat pailing is? gettin freaky, babe. all concupiscent n shit."

"Oh. I mean. Yeah? I'm kind of scared of it...I mean." Calais stress stimmed a little. "It's more that I'm scared of not being in control? Like, did you know that being horny actively lowers your disgust response? Even without the voodoos or whatever. Literally, the only reason that we can enjoy reproducing is because we no longer have an accurate sense of what's gross and what isn't. That's what I don't like. The idea that I could be in a situation where I'm doing all these, just. Objectively disgusting things? And LIKING it? And not being able to tell that it's nasty? Or even being able to tell and not caring. I hate it. I hate it so much. It scares me. And I definitely don't want to be like that around another person."

"huh," said Marvus. "never met any1 else like dat."

Calais shrugged. "Maybe because they don't come to whatever it was you were doing."

"nah," said Marvus. "I seen ppl roll up who didn't want 2 b there. they come around in the end." He tilted his head at them. "prolly cause ur an alien," he said, seeming to decide it as he said it. "pailing n murder r pretty normal mental states 4 us. disinhibition doesn't bother ppl."

He looked a little more relaxed now for having come to this conclusion. Calais figured that was a good thing.

"so wat r u?" he asked.

"Oh! Um. We call ourselves humans," said Calais. "Uh, we all have the same blood color, so that's not a thing...and I'm pretty sure nobody has any psychic powers, either."

"dam. wat do u do then?"

"Uh..." Calais puffed air through her cheeks. "I dunno. I'm not sure what to tell you. Whatever it is would be completely normal for me, so..."

"wat color's ur blood?"

"Um, red?" said Calais.

Marvus winced, but he was smiling. "ooh. dats gonna b rough."

"Yeah, I was gonna say..." Calais curled into herself a little, then remembered her ribs and winced, stopping up short.

"how'd u get here?" asked Marvus.

"I...have no idea," said Calais. She blinked. "I don't know. I don't know at all. I was suddenly just. Here."

"where were u b4?"

Calais looked around, as if the answer were written somewhere in the room. "I...I don't know!" she exclaimed. "I mean, I must have been somewhere, but I don't...I can't..." she started to wring her hands.

"woah, woah, babe, calm down," said Marvus, lifting his hands in a placating gesture. "it's all gonna b ok."

Calais shied away from him instinctively. He was awfully close. But she realized that the fact that this bothered her was a good thing.

"What did you see?" she asked.

Marvus shrugged. "u weren't there. then u were."

Calais wondered briefly if he was telling the truth. But even if he weren't, there was no way they would be able to tell. They would have to take him at his word.

"That's...not very helpful," they said absently.

Marvus laughed. "guess not. dam."

"I don't know what I was doing before I came here, I don't know how I got here, and I don't know how to get back." Calais thought for a bit, chewing her lip. "M-maybe someone at the concert saw? Someone in the mosh pit?"

"m tellin u babe, there was nuthin 2 c," said Marvus.

"Can we...check?" Calais asked carefully, looking warily at her clown host.

Marvus smiled, a somewhat easygoing smile that was nevertheless a little too toothy. "my concerts r wild, my dude," he said. "they was deffs all distracted. n they're all prolly all hells 2 the indisposed atm."

Calais dimly remembered the general reaction - or lack of reaction - to their appearance and realized that this was probably true.

Calais looked at Marvus, running calculations in her head. She was starting to realize how this was going to go, although she didn't want to believe it. Didn't want to need him. But she needed somebody, and...

"u don't have anywhere 2 go, do u," said Marvus. It wasn't really a question.

Calais flinched. "Yes," they said.

Marvus drummed his fingertips against the table he was leaning on. They clicked on the wood. Calais realized that his fingernails were claws and swallowed hard.

. "tell u wat, babe," said Marvus. "m on the homeward part of my tour atm. y don't u come w me n we'll see if we can figure out how 2 get u home."

Calais closed their eyes and took a deep breath. Don't think about the creepy clown, don't think about how you feel, just consider him, consider yourself, consider the situation, there's no need to be scared if you just figure out what's going on and why you're afraid...

Blessedly, Marvus let her sit there in shut-eyed silence until she was able to put her thoughts together and turn to him.

Direct communication. It was something that she liked.

"You want to keep me near you," she said. "You don't know what to make of me, and you want me in...in, like, your hand."

"well yh," said Marvus. "dats all true. but dat doesn't mean it can't b mutually beneficial, ufeelme? yeah ur an alien n u might b useful n shit but dat doesn't mean I can't help u 2. u do need somewhere to stay right? alternia is vy dangerous. 'specially 4 mutants n aliens. 'specially 4 mutants n aliens w red blood."

"I do need your help," said Calais. "I just..." pain and trauma emboldened her; fear wasn't enough to keep her quiet. "I just don't want you to pretend your motives aren't selfish. I don't want you to pretend anything. It's okay that you want to use me...I mean, it's not okay, but I don't exactly have a choice and I probably can't fight you so at the very least I want to know that that's what's happening, get it?"

She picked at flecks of teal under her fingernails and realized for the first time that it was blood. Their stomach lurched and they froze, setting their hand back down. "I'll probably be more cooperative than you think," she said quietly. "As long as I know what I'm getting into. I mean. When you manipulate someone, you want to make them feel at ease, right? Like they can trust you? So they'll do what you want? Well, I'll feel way more at ease if I think I can trust you. If I know you're telling the truth. Even if it's bad. So just...don't try to sell me anything. Do you understand?"

She glanced up at Marvus. He was shaking his head slowly. "ur a rlly weird alien," he said. "sure. if dats wat u want."

"Do you promise?" asked Calais.

Marvus nodded. "fo sho, babe. promise. but m not tryna use u. not yet @ least. ur a wild card. jus wanna keep an eye on u 4 now."

"Right," said Calais.

"so it's a deal, then?" asked Marvus with a smirk. He held out his hand.

Calais looked at his hand, then back up to his face. Hesitated. Then reached out and took his hand.

Marvus' grip was strong, and his hand seemed to swallow up her own. Calais strengthened her grip, but she got the feeling that no matter how tight she squeezed, it wouldn't impress him.

He grinned at her and gave her hand a quick up and down shake. She seriously doubted that he was trying to make a show of strength, but it still felt as though he could wrench her shoulder from its socket, just by shaking her hand.

"alrite then. it's a deal," he said.

Calais pulled their arm back against her chest. A deal.

This creature was, evidently, not Satan. Just an alien with horns and freaky mind powers. But that didn't keep the phrase "deal with the devil" from reverberating wryly through her mind.

#Selfship hours #calais' words #💜 Clownfucker 💜

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silver-wield · 4 years

Note

Hey so I was wondering if you did/could do an analysis on clouds various panic attacks ptsd episodes and how he responds to each one I’m interested to read your thoughts on each one since you usually bring a new perspective to the table for me so thanks for that!

All of Cloud's ptsd attacks? Damn, that's a lot of searching I've got to do. I might not find them all. I'll do my best but you'll have to let me off if I miss a couple lol

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Please check my master post to see if I've already covered your question, thanx

Recap time!

I explain Cloud's entire backstory which covers his PTSD and other issues here, so that should do for a recap right?

A further thing to note is that PTSD affects people differently and in Cloud's case it manifests as a psychological taunt in the form of Sephiroth. Embodiying his sense of failure, lack of self-esteem and self-actualisation, this version of Sephiroth is the one that Cloud reacts to the most strongly. This is the one that makes him whimper with fear and react on instinct instead of observing the situation and attacking. This is the one he fears, and it's a part of himself wearing a monster's face. Why Sephiroth? Who else has done him more harm? Sephiroth killed his mother, Tifa (so he assumes), burned his hometown to the ground and was indirectly responsible for his best friend's death, too.

And Cloud couldn't do a thing about it. He is the manifestation of everything that Cloud hates and fears about himself. Because of this, he's dissociated from much of his feelings. He still feels, but at a lesser degree than he should were he fully in touch with his real self.

Moseying on.

The first PTSD induced attack isn't actually prompted by Sephiroth himself, although he does feature in it. Cloud's first attack happens when he sees the destruction of sector 8 and buildings burning. This gives him the association of the last time he saw a burning building, which happened when his village burned. The sensory input of sights, sounds and smells prompted the memory, which combined with the high stress situation and Cloud's own latent anxiety and guilt for his part in this chaos.

You see a close up of Cloud's eye as it widens and real!Cloud's memory pushes to the forefront of his mind – remember, these memories are things SOLDIER!Cloud can't access at will, which is why they cause him pain when it happens.

Theres a static noise in the background, which is meant to convey a type of ringing in Cloud's ears and then the building's facade morphs to that of his house with the fence around it.

While much of what Sephiroth says is in line with this being a separate being from Cloud and not merely his own subconscious taunting him, there are elements of it being a combination of both. This is in line with the OG where Sephiroth was able to get in Cloud's head and make him doubt his own sense of self. With what we know of how Jenova's cells manipulate Cloud, it's believable that Sephiroth is both a separate being manipulating Cloud to his own ends and partly an aspect of Cloud's psyche that exists to push blame on him for everything. It's the representation of his mental illness that he struggles to fight.

Obviously, there's no fire, so Cloud sweating and breathless is because they're physical symptoms of his PTSD induced trauma.

Sephiroth's taunting lines about how he killed Cloud's mother are overkill when you consider the real Sephiroth's personality. The combination of the overarching Sephiroth and Cloud's PTSD version make a powerful foe that he never really beats. This is a metaphor for the fact those with mental illness are never really free. It's a lifetime battle and even if they're in recovery, that demon is just waiting for one weak moment when they can get them back in their grip.

You can hear Cloud gasp in this scene as once again Sephiroth appears to taunt him. He's not fully recovered from the last attack and now there's another right on top of it. Sephiroth appearing is once again partly Cloud's own trauma and partly the Jenova cells in him warping his perception and allowing Sephiroth to mess with him.

Unlike the time before, this Sephiroth vision is a simple taunt that Cloud is too weak to save anyone. This is his guilt and self-loathing talking about how he couldn't save his mom, Tifa or his town. It could also be hinting that he couldn't save Zack either.

The hidden implication of this scene is the fact that Sephiroth puts his hand on Aerith's shoulder. This is the only time Sephiroth touches anyone besides Cloud.

The next time Cloud has an attack is during the reactor 5 mission. This happens because of Tifa's presence drawing out the painful memory of the Nibelheim reactor where he believed she died after facing down Sephiroth.

Even in the midst of his PTSD attack he looks to Tifa. She doesn't know what's happening with him and he backs away from taking a chance to confide in her, but even during this moment when he's showing weakness he has very good eye contact with her. He's looking her directly in the eye, which he wouldn't do if he wasn't comfortable with her. This shows that Cloud sees her as a source of comfort and support.

You can see the lingering doubt on his face here after he dismisses the attack. He's not aware of what the memory means because he's not in touch with the full story – that belongs to real!Cloud kept hidden away. He knows it's left him unsettled and feeling like a failure. This is one of the few times I've seen that Cloud doesn't dismiss out of hand the content of the attacks.

Tifa repeats a phrase she said back then and Cloud's sense of failure surfaces, causing him pain and to freeze up. We get a voice over from real!Cloud referring to the time he believes he let Tifa down. Before the SOLDIER persona can get too deep into it or question what he means, Barret yells for him to focus. Cloud shakes off the paralysing feelings, but that doesn't stop Tifa asking it he's ok, which he dismisses again. This is typical of truama survivors pushing their feelings down and attempting to function without ever truly dealing with the source of their pain.

This next flash is prompted by the events during chapter 8 where the children get into trouble and Cloud has to rescue them. It echoes a similar even in his past where Tifa climbed Mt Nibel and fell, despite his best efforts to save her. She spent a week in a coma and Cloud was blamed for the incident and told to stay away from her.

The past emotions of guilt and failure mingle with the present situation to prompt a flash of pain as the memory of Tifa surfaces. It's his feelings of guilt and having failed her that cause the pain, not Tifa herself because when he says to Aerith he doesn't know how to explain he turns to the spot where he saw the vision of Tifa and smiles wistfully. This means Tifa herself doesn't cause him pain. The feelings he has about himself, do.

Chapter 13 and omg I love this freak out! I'm sorry, but this is such a great moment for Cloud and really highlights how low he is at this point. This shows the depth that we miss from him always having his SOLDIER persona taking charge. He's just lived through a tragedy. He's seen the girl he likes in pieces and trying to hold it together. He wants to comfort her. He wants to be himself, but he can't because he's just not good enough. He's feeling like a failure in more ways than one. He lost people too, goddamnit!

Then, in a misguided attempt to distract Tifa from her pain, he stumbles right into a trigger point for his own trauma. Of course he wouldn't know this. It's one of those flashes of Sephiroth ranting about his role and Jenova and shit. (I might have mistakenly said this was a future-flash somewhere, but then I remembered he does this rant right before he kills everyone in Nibelheim).

There's very little blocking to the memory. This is pretty well sealed by real!Cloud compared to his other memories. Even painful ones of Tifa have more context than this. This is something that is so damaging to Cloud's psyche that he can't even fill in the space around it.

So, we get the same kind of staticky noise we heard in chapter 2 when the vision of Sephiroth showed. Cloud gasps pretty loud here tbf. He's unguarded because of the vision and possibly his own distraction about what he's just been through. He wasn't prepared to see Sephiroth here even more than he was back in chapter 2 when he had a full on panic attack.

I mean, his pupils are seriously dilated here. Boi is scared.

Cloud's whimpering and my heart breaks for him. Sephiroth is hitting all his weakest points by bringing up failure and mentioning it's not the first time that's happened. Cloud's at a low point already, so it's not unexpected he backs away from this rather than tries to fight. This isn't SOLDIER!Cloud. This is real!Cloud. The fear has driven real!Cloud to the surface and he wants to run away, just like Sephiroth taunted back in chapter 2.

“Through suffering you will grow strong. Isn't that what you want?”

Clearly not by the look on Cloud's face. The part of him that's real!Cloud within this moment looks like he wants to scream that he's had enough of being in pain. He wants to shake his head and deny that he deserves it. What did he ever do wrong?

I feel like this is more of Cloud's own subconscious taunting him and implying that he deserves everything bad that happens to him, rather than it being the external Sephiroth manipulating Jenova's cells. He's saying Cloud secretly wants to suffer because that's all he should ever get in life. He thinks if he suffers enough pain that he'll be stronger for it, instead of the broken person that he really is. This is the type of thing people who’ve lived through trauma deal with every single day. It’s a never ending barrage of not feeling good enough and worrying that your entire existence is a bother to society. Not even just those close to you, you are a blight on the world. That Cloud’s internal trauma is so deeply rooted in this figure of Sephiroth narrows his focus and makes him project all of his fears onto him. It’s no wonder he freezes.

Now, not strictly a PTSD glitch, but it does provoke a very strong reaction from Cloud, and definitely plays into his fears, so I'm gonna include this one on the proviso it's more fear motivated.

This is the moment he sees Tifa stabbed during the VR cut scene. Sephiroth hijacked it to show them meteor, but then he also killed Tifa and then Barret. We know later on that Barret actually dies, so having seen this, Cloud may well relate back to this deep seated fear that he can't save Tifa and she'll die because of him and it'll cause further attacks. This is also a callback to the time in the reactor in Nibelheim when Tifa was stabbed by Sephiroth and Cloud couldn't save her – this ties to the PTSD flashback he had during the reactor 5 mission where he saw Tifa picking up Sephiroth's sword, so it's got precedence to cause him further trauma once he connects the dots. The fact it provokes such a strong emotional response from him – so much so that his entire face changes – I suspect that real!Cloud came out to motivate him to run to her out of the fear he'd just seen her die in front of him – again. The shock and disbelief on his face, the utter heartbreak. His expression changes from SOLDIER!Cloud to real!Cloud in less than 3 seconds. I checked. As a trigger for his trauma, Cloud's fear of losing Tifa pushes him to a lot of things he wouldn't normally do.

This is more of a memory glitch than PTSD since it's tied to the grunt recognising Cloud and calling him out on the false memories he has of being a SOLDIER. He says they went through training together and Cloud's eyes narrow as though he's trying to reconcile a truth against a lie. The truth that real!Cloud was a grunt and SOLDIER!Cloud is a fake.

There's some distress on his face here that links back to the point during the airbuster battle when he first learned about cell degradation. He knows what he believes is true isn't quite right, but he can't figure out why. SOLDIER!Cloud is unaware of the SOLDIER persona he constructed to protect his real self from further trauma. In OG when Cloud finds out – through Sephiroth’s skewed af bullshit – it causes a complete mental break, so real!Cloud's right to be wary of triggering himself because he's not in a good enough place to deal with what he's done to protect himself. He'd blame himself for being even more weak than he thought.

This is more interesting. Usually whenever anyone questions Cloud about his false identity he claims it, while also rejecting it by saying “ex-SOLDIER”, but in Hojo's case, he seems to hesitate, as though part of him knew it would be questioned and wouldn't hold up. Since Hojo's the one who did this to Cloud, it's likely the truth of what happened couldn't be kept back by the SOLDIER lies.

Pained again, Cloud turns his head away, as though he can shut out the truth. Hojo's image glitches for him and it's reminiscent of the OG moment where Cloud confronts Hojo and asks if he can be a proper experiment instead of a failed one (or something like that. I haven't played OG in like 5 years)

The trauma from what Hojo's done is quickly brushed under the carpet thanks to the arrival of the whispers. This is the second time they appear to prevent Cloud learning too much about his past too early. (Dammit, I forgot about deep ground, I'll circle back to it or I'll lose the order for my screenshots)

I'm not including the long corridor walk prompted by Jenova because that's a loading screen and also it happens not because of anything that Cloud experienced in the location, but because the outside influence of Jenova called to him. His only association with Jenova is the infusion of cells, though how he got them does set off attacks. Actually, here's a good point for the deep ground screen.

Preview of zombie Cloud for Mideel anyone? I mean, what can I say? He's totally checked out and it's scary. No wonder he doesn't wanna remember any of it if this is what he was like at the time. Imagine being so doped up with mako that you're not even you any longer? Having experiments carried out on you and god knows what else. Being stuffed in a chamber jammed full of alien dna and left to see what happens.

This is what broke him. I'd say it's similar to the faceless Squall cut scene from the end of FF8. It's chilling. No wonder he crafted an entire persona to protect himself from remembering this.

So this is the culmination of all the other attacks he's had. We get flashback elements from several that threaten to overwhelm Cloud. He's clutching his head. He's in serious pain and can't do anything. He manages to push through and ask if it's really Sephiroth. He then grabs his left arm when it begins to hurt. This is because Sephiroth is left handed. This is also the same arm that had the major infection of geostigma in AC.

Conclusion

Cloud is a messed by puppy and I ship him with therapy.

PTSD is a tricky thing to accurately show, especially in this case when it's not all totally mental illness and there are outside factors that skew how it's portrayed. Part of Sephiroth is within Cloud, though I do suspect it's more of an aspect of his own feelings of self-loating and doubt than it is actually Sephiroth. That's not to say there isn't also a genuine part of Sephiroth within these visions influencing Cloud to do what he wants, but I think it comes down to the context of the moment.

Cloud's been through a lot of shit and fronts like nothing else. He's managed to get away without any kind of vices or coping mechanisms besides this alternate persona that actually does ok in following the real!Cloud's lead when his deeper urges motivate SOLDIER!Cloud into doing things. I mean there's a point where there's a clear debate between the two about dancing for Andrea. All that back and forth eye movement and then the grimace and “fine, for Tifa” expression wasn't necessary if it was just SOLDIER!Cloud.

It's gonna be hard for Cloud to hear that he's not real in the sense that he thinks he is. It's gonna break him. We've got a preview of his scary vacant Mideel look and it's terrifying. Major props to Tifa for refusing to give up on him.

#final fantasy 7 remake spoilers #final fantasy 7 remake analysis #Character analysis #Cloud Strife #Tw: ptsd

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eye-cri · 4 years

Text

aaaa I just couldn’t resist wanting to do this! Alphabet hcs (Fluff/Sfw style~)

I’m gonna do this for both Najlynn and Aidma!!!

A is for Adventure: something they haven’t done but have always wanted to

Both: Travel around the world and experience different cultures and have pure wild adventures to get to see beautiful sights. And they’d also want to help those they see that are in need of help and put them in a good place.

B is for Butterflies: How they act when they’re nervous

Aidma: Fidgets a lot. Usually she’ll fidget with her hands and kind of shift in place. It seems to get on other people’s nerves though....

Najlynn: Her feet tap a lot on the floor and she’ll fidget her tongue in her mouth. Her eyes can’t seem to stay focused either.

C is for Crush: what is it like when they have a crush? How do they know/act?

Aidma: She’ll be blushing more around them. When she gets even just a simple complement she’ll go shy mode. But she can still interact with them casually of course. She’d most likely find out about the crush when she’s taking one of her nature walks. Shy complement giver but she wants to show that she notices the little things about her crush.

Najlynn: Smiley smiley :). She’ll be your little comedian. She makes people fall for her through her jokes for the most part. She’d give you complements confidently a good amount too~

D is for Date: describe an ideal date for them

Both: They don’t really have date ideals just as long as both sides enjoy the time spent together that’s enough for them ❤

E is for Essential: what is one thing they could NEVER go without

Aidma: Well,,, support. trauma still haunts her to this day and she appreciates every bit of support she gets. I don’t think she’d still be here if she hadn’t had support....

Najlynn: Her close friends that understand her thick and through. They are her shields from the hate she gets for just being her (because she’s pan-sexual and poly-amorous).

F is for Favorite: a favorite anything- food, place, smell, book, etc.

Aidma: Spicy chips are one of her favorite snacks. Any lake/pond is a favorite place of her’s. wood, flowing water and however Zeus smells are her favorite scents. :> Her favorite books are academia books.

Najlynn: Macaroons with whipped cream and coffee is her favorite snack. Cafes, parks and board walks are her favorite places. Flowers, books, freshly gritted coffee beans and grass are her favorite scents. Her favorite books are also academia books (but she leans towards light and romantic academia books).

G is for Giggle: how they laugh/what makes them laugh

Aidma: Usually it starts out soft and she’ll be covering her mouth but it goes further it’d get a a bit louder and she’ll be clutching her stomach. Sometimes she just bursts out in loud laughter but tbh its rare.

Najlynn: She always purses her lips before laughing. always. And she never holds back, she can sometimes be the loudest laugher which can sometimes cause people to look at her weirdly but she never notices it.

Both: They both snort a bit in their laughs and i find that really cute uwu

H is for Holding Hands: Do they like holding hands? Are their hands warm or cold? Pinky promises?

Aidma: Y E S PLZ. her hands are warm uwu. also a big yes for pinky promises. Pinky promises are extremely important to her and if you break it then you break a lil piece of her :(

Najlynn: handholding is such a cute thing to do in her eyes so yes. her hands are actually cold! Pinky promises she sees as cute childish things to do. she usually doesn’t take them seriously but if the other person takes them seriously then she will too.

I is for Inside Joke: something they do that everyone thinks is funny but they don’t understand

Aidma: When she’s mad at Zeus she’ll call him pin-chan or pinny just because he hates it. He said “those are to much of childish names” for him lol. He especially hates it when its in front of people.

Najlynn: She likes adding the word girl in the most serious of sentences. ex “I am sorry for the death of your father girl”. Some kind of dark humor that is.....

J is for Jinx: Are they Superstitious?

Both: No, they usually make fun of superstitious people together.

K is for Kiss: how do they kiss?

Aidma: usually soft, and full of emotions. They leave you with a nice fluttery feeling. But when she’s horni she’ll be very passionate and you’ll be left to have to catch your breath.

Najlynn: itty bitty kisses and even though they were little, because there were so much you have to catch your breath.

L is for Love Languge: what is their love language? How do they give and how would they like to receive love?

Aidma: whether subtle or not, she gives constant reminders that she loves them. gifts, hand holding, cuddles, hugs and ect are her ways of expressing love. But she prefers to be shown love physically. You don’t even have to say the words to her, but affectionate touches are her favorite way of getting love.She also likes looking into the eyes of her lover lovingly and seeing the same look on their face looking at her (even tho she’s really shy about this).

Najlynn: She likes whispering sweet nothings to her lover and seeing their reaction. That’s her favorite way of showing love. She also likes getting shown physical affection.

M is for Meant to be: how/when they know someone is “the one”

Aidma: That when she spends time with them, it seems to go by so fast. That’s honestly what she really wants with someone.

Najlynn: That they’re okay with how she wants the relationship to be and it actually ends up working out. it never seems to work out with any body like this and she just wants someone who is cool with being in a polyamorous relationship.

N is for Nickname: a nickname they would have or their favorite thing to be called

Aidma: her nicknames are: Adi, Didi/Di, Dia and, Mani

Najlynn: her nicknames are: Naji, Naj, Nana, JeJe (its pronounced zhe zhe) DISCLAIMER: NEVER CALL NAJLYNN, LYNN. just don’t. She hates it and will end up breaking your arm if you do.

O is for Organization: are they clean or messy?

Aidma: clean for the most part, sometimes she is a little messy but later she’d end up cleaning it up. But she can get really messy on stressful days.

Najlynn: I mean, she’s kinda messy but her sister always ends up nagging her to clean up after herself so she ends up cleaning it up.

P is for Pet Peeve: What’s something they absolutely CAN’T stand?

Aidma: Strangers and non close friends who don’t get personal space. and constant small noises(like the ticking of a clock).

Najlynn: Being asked personal questions from non close people. like yeah she’s an open person but not that open.

Q is for Quiet: What do they do for peace of mind

Aidma: Nature walks, eat sugary foods, cuddle with her lover or get her emotions out by drawing

Najlynn: Scents really have a calming affect on her so she’d try to go somewhere that has one of her favorite scents. cuddling with someone also calms her pretty well.

S is for Soft: Describe their softest feature

Aidma: smile, laughter, basically her whole body. :3

Najlynn: her voice is loud but somehow soft?? idk how to explain it. her lips look so soft when she smiles i wouldn’t be mad if u wanted to kiss her right there when she smiles.

T is for Telephone: are they a talker or a texter? How often do they use their phone? (modern au ofc)

Aidma: she switches btw liking to talk over the phone/facetime/txting. Usually, she doesn’t use her phone much, like around 1h some days or 5h other days. depends

Najlynn: She likes txting better. sometimes she likes to facetime but its rare tbh. she uses her phone a lot, like around 7h.

U is for Unique: a random quirk they have

Aidma: not really a quirk but she mocks ppl’s voices a lot.

Najlynn: She can tell someone’s relationship with their family by first glance. lol idk how i thought of that.

V is for Valentine: Are they the type to celebrate or not?

Aidma: Even when she didn’t have Zeus by her side she loved valentines day. Although she did get a bit jealous of the happy couples she was happy for them.

Najlynn: Surprisingly, no. She doesn’t have any ill feelings towards it, she just doesn’t care for it.

W is for Wholesome: something extremely pure about them that makes you just *uwu*

Aidma: I know I already said this but she loves physical affection and imagining some Fluffy Adius scenarios really warms my heart 🥰

Najlynn: She’s just soo understanding!! I adore her for her supportive side.

X is for Xenia: How they would entertain a guest/show hospitality

Both: Cook some bomb food and sweets, (modern au prt) and offer to turn on the tv. lol but they’d probably talk over the tv.

Y is for Youth: A fond childhood memory they have

Aidma: uh............................................... okay well.......... when she first met her older sister (Amalie) They were in hiding but here’s the thing, they had Iasona who was still a baby at the time with them cuz Iaso’s mother had been killed right after she had birthed Iaso and then Iaso had been thrown out left to die. But Amalie found her and took care of her. After a a year and a few months when Amalie found Adi they decided to go into hiding and Adi thinks that time in hiding, taking care of Iasona was “a calm in the cruel storm”.

Najlynn: meeting her little siblings for the first time. She immediately adored them all.

Z is for Zzz: Sleep habits. Do they cuddle in their sleep? Talk? What do they dream about?

Aidma: She’s the biggest sleep cuddler. She doesn’t talk in her sleep (she’s quite happy for it). Nightmares unfortunately happen at least every week for her but her dreams are usually either totally chaos or, its of what she wanted her childhood to be.

Najlynn: Sometimes she’ll cuddle but it’s not often. Yeah she does talk in her sleep (when she and Adi have to camp out on a mission her sleep talking annoys Adi to no end(cuz she’s do damn loudd)) Sometimes she has visions in her sleep but she never remembers them. When she does have nightmares, they’re creepy asf. Her dreams usually have clouds in them for some reason idk y.

#:))#wh ocs #my ocs #ocs #wizardess heart ocs #my oc headcannons #Aidma Mirde #Najlynn Moraka #wizardess heart #wizardessheart #shall we date #shall we date wizardess heart #shall we date wizardessheart

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pearlchu · 4 years

Note

Answer all the “MAKE ME ADMIT STUFF”

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

It was my girlfriend so yeah absolutely!

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

No.

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

Yep.

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

Yeah. It takes me a long time to fully trust people. I’ve been hurt a lot.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

No because she’s in ANOTHER STATE

6. What are you excited for?

To see my baby

7. What happened tonight?

Well last night I watched videos about Lolita fanshion and watched frozen 2 and then passed out lol

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

No. Live your best life doll face. As long as you’re being safe or have a friend to make sure you’re okay.

9.Is confidence cute?

It is. I love it when people show their confidence.

10. What is the last beverage you had?

Water

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

Only one and he and I barely talk anymore

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

Several!

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

Stay up late taking to my girlfriend and telling her how pretty I think she is

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

Groceries and maybe a new blouse

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

Nope

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

I hope to grow into a more positive version ofmyself ^.^

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

My mom or my gf

18. The last time you felt broken?

Last month

19. Have you had sex today?

I wish lol

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

I need to tap back into the things I used to really love

21. Are you in a good mood?

Right now? Meh.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

Yes!!! That’d be so cool!!!

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

Fuck him. No.

24. What do you want right this second?

To be cuddling my girlfriend. I wanna sit on her lapppp

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

I’d say “fuck you” and block them lmfao

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Nope

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

Nope

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

A giant ass cucumber at work

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

Yes. My girlfriend cause SHES SLEEPING

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

A little bit

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

I sure hope she does!!

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

Nope. I dabble sometimes.

34. Listening to?

Anything new and good

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

all the time at work

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

Yep

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Sort of. I believe in connection at first sight.

38. Who did you last call?

My mom

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

Myself

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

Because I thought it was our last kiss and it was but that’s okay cause they turned out to be a shitty person

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

So long. I miss those.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

Nope

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

I feel like I constantly embarrass myself in front of her lol

44. Do you tan in the nude?

If I were alone sure

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

100% yes

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

Yep. My girlfriend

47. Who was the last person to call you?

My mom

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Sometimes

49. Do you dance in the car?

Noooooo

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

I used to do archery so yeppers

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

I was....6 or 7??

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

Absolutely but I still love them

53. Is Christmas stressful?

Sometimes. It depends.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

Yep!!! Homemade and delicious

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

Cherry or banana

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Marine biologist

Paleontologist

Veterinarian

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yep!!

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Yeah and they’re usually followed by feeling queasy or off

59. Take a vitamin daily?

Nope

60. Wear slippers?

Ew never

61. Wear a bath robe?

If I could I would

62. What do you wear to bed?

Nothing

63. First concert?

Some Christian dude. 0/10

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

Target!!!!!!

65. Nike or Adidas?

Both

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Both

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

69. Ever take dance lessons?

I used to do ballet when I was a kid. Also hip hop and tap

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

Psychologist/book author

71. Can you curl your tongue?

Yep!

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Once

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

Oh yeah. I get over emotional when ppl are nice to me lol

74. What is your favorite book?

None at the moment

75. Do you study better with or without music?

Without. I have a hard time reading with too much noise

76. Regularly burn incense?

I do!!!

77. Ever been in love?

Yep

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

Harry Styles rn

79. What was the last concert you saw?

Tim McGraw. I have country roots. I was forced. Don’t ask.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Cold

81. Tea or coffee?

Coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie?

Chocolate chip

83. Can you swim well?

I’m okay?? Not great. If I panic I’d drown lol

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Yeppers

85. Are you patient?

I try to be. Some say I’m extremely patient

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

Both!!!

87. Ever won a contest?

Once

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

Nope but I wouldn’t mind getting a smaller chest at some point

89. Which are better black or green olives?

Green

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

Hell yess. Let me learn what you like. I wanna know what makes you feel good!!!

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Bathroom

92. Do you want to get married

Yes!!!! I dream about being a wife and mom someday

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rydiin · 4 years

Note

Don’t you find it weird how these girls thirst over NC even though he supposedly has the mind of child. Like you’re practically dating someone a lot younger than you? I know people on the spectrum can get married and be in relationship but I would think those people don’t have such a younger mental age. I’m not an expert on that stuff but that’s just a general assumption & on top of that, he’s also a m*ss M*RDERER. I hope there isn’t girls that are still thirsting over him but I’m sure there are

Ahh there’s so much that could be said to this but I don’t want to annoy anyone with my lengthy responses. I’m trying to work on it. (Lmfao I wrote this and then proceeded to write a long a$$ response, I hate myself 😭)

But yes, girls like this still exist. A lot of them faded away after the “hype” died down but I’m sure they’re still out there! I’ve seen a few on other sites (and here).

About dating people on the spectrum who are developmental delayed....gah this is a really tough one. Because NC is obviously high functioning (with tons of mental health issues to go along with his neurological disorder). Okay so the thing I struggle with in regard to this question for NC is that we actually DONT KNOW where he’s at on the spectrum. We know that loved ones claimed he had “the mind of a 12-15 year old” but we don’t have any medical reports to back this. There’s a huge difference between someone actually living at the developmental stage of a 12 year old in every regard, and a family member describing them as having the mind of a 12 year old because they have poor impulse control. You know what I mean? Because yes, some of his traits are clearly delayed, but he’s also high functioning, so it’s shaky ground when we’re just relying on the word of a loved one rather than hearing the observations of a doctor who can remove themselves from the emotional side of things and give an actual dianogses or observation. I don’t want to mark him as a 12 year old just because Lynda would tell people this...id rather know for sure where his mind is at. I’m obviously not qualified to give my opinion on a kid who I’ve never seen in person.

Dating someone on the spectrum can be tricky, and especially controversial because I think people misunderstand the neurological disorder and assume that just because they’re delayed in certain ways, they’re automatically considered the age in which their most severe delay sits..quite literally. So if NC has delays that make him similar to a 15 Y.O. in certain areas, that does not mean that he’s technically a 15 Y.O. at heart and he can only date people who are young..cus that would be illegal lol but it DOES mean that anyone who would date him (if he weren’t a freaking mass k*ller) would need to be ready to adapt to the interesting challenges that will arise. Do you have any friends or loved ones on the spectrum? Damn I really want to share some personal info thats relevant to make sense of what I’m saying but I don’t like getting personal on here anymore cus ppl are bein weirdos lol 🤧

And I also want to acknowledge that you mentioned the fact that people on the spectrum DO get married and have families and do everything that NT’s do. I think you’re viewing NC as a 12-15 as his loved ones said, whereas I’m saying 1) I need to know where medical professionals say he’s at mentally 2) I need to know where’s he’s at developmentally and specifically what areas/how that manifests in his life (outside of our own observations) 3) I’m trying to stress that someone on the spectrum, although they may be delayed in certain areas, CAN still date a NT their age. If they’re delayed in certain areas and for example have the “emotional intelligence” of a 16 year old, this does not mean that they must now identify as a 16 y.o. and any possible significant other must view him as such....As long as the two adults are consenting (and obviously intellectually able to consent), then I view it as fine and not abnormal or immoral.

NC is definitely high functioning. He can read/write, talk and hold conversation, take showers, get dressed, get himself to work and back, prepare food (despite his lack of microwave skills lol), etc. People who are high functioning on the spectrum date ALL the time, and they date people who are NT not just people who are on the spectrum like them. Like I said above, it just takes consent and a lot of intentional work in challenging areas. For example they’ll have to make sacrifices in certain areas, maybe their SO has sensory sensitivities to loud noises and the NT has never had to tone things down before. That’s a big challenge. If you’ve ever lived with someone on the spectrum you know.

I feel like I’ve never really expressed my personal thoughts on this because I’ve always gone along with the age range his loved ones claimed on him but I think it’s important this is said because people on the spectrum need love too 🥺 (aside from NC, lmao). I think the best argument for your point is that he’s an evil mass m*rderer, just like you said. I’d stray from the developmental delay argument because in terms of the spectrum, he’s pretty high functioning and definitely OK to date someone his age or whatever age he wants, long as it’s legal. It’s just the fact that he’s a piece of ish k*ller that ruins his dating odds 🙅🏽‍♀️

#asks

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gloxinian · 5 years

Text

ik i talked to him abt wanting to still be friends but, after thinking a lot, i’m really not comfortable still talking to somebody that was that toxic to me fr so long. and ik posting this might not be the “classiest” thing to do but i feel like i have to get it off my chest bc otherwise a part of me is pushing to say “it wasn’t that bad” or to excuse it bc “well he apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again” even tho he kept doing these things and showed literally no signs of changing. and i’m so tired of entering these conversations and having it lead to no change or be twisted to be about pitying him. this isn’t really a callout or anything so i’m leaving his name out and there aren’t receipts or anything. it might sound trivial bc i’m starting with the small stuff and working forward but idk. i’m just tired and felt like i needed to write smth out.

im not sure the best way to word this, but i never felt like i could enjoy things or have things just fr myself. the only way i could talk abt things was if i was criticizing them or it was smth he loved. these are just a few things and alone each of them would just be annoying, but it all just compounded into making me feel miserable like i wasn’t allowed to love anything.

when i showed him a series that was very important to me, the first the he did was insult the art style, characters, story, etc.

when i started getting excited about pokemon swsh and the new pokemon, he immediately started mocking my favorite ones and sending me posts/articles talking abt how the game was going to be garbage, even after i asked him to stop.

when i got my first noise cancelling headphones and was excited abt how well they worked, he immediately told me that it was a good thing they were noise cancelling so i wouldn’t be able to hear him crying.

constantly glancing over my shoulder and making fun of what he saw me playing or enjoying. new game he doesn’t play? looks stupid/cheap/boring. not doing great? makes fun of me for doing poor even after i repeatedly tell him to stop.

and whenever he said something particularly upsetting like that headphones thing, he would immediately say “oh it’s an intrusive thought” or “oh it was just a joke” when i got upset and confronted him about it. and he’d immediately turn around and make the situation about him and how i should be pitying him.

the worst examples of this come from over a year ago when i was still in college. my depression was hitting me really hard bc i was back living at home instead of dorms, i was struggling really hard with classes, and had teachers that mocked me whenever i tried to ask questions. i was actively suicidal during this time and had repeatedly expressed worries to friends and family that i wouldn’t be able to support myself in the future, that i was a failure, and i felt like my only option was to drop out so i would have at least some control in my life. this was the lowest point i’d ever been. i’m going to list a few things that happened from smallest to worst and it’s important they all happened during this time. and he was aware this is how i was during this time.

he was friends with somebody that actively hated me. fine, not that big of a deal bc friends don’t always get along with boyfriends. but how this was handled was absolutely horrid. this friend insulted me whenever i spoke, even told me i shouldn’t talk period. he kept being friends with them and insisting we hang out more. that friendship only ended after (1) they accused me of being a pedophile bc i felt physically sick hearing ppl talk abt loli/shota stuff. and i was the only one who called this out for being so. fucked up. to call someone that for being distressed by even seeing cp terms. he only said he’d talk to said friend after i was incredibly/vocally upset abt this.

one night depression almost got the best of me and i stopped responding to any calls/texts/etc. said friend got annoyed he was scared i might actually be dead. this was the event that actually ended that friendship and honestly i’m mostly upset it took that friend literally not caring if i was dead for my boyfriend to actually give a shit how i was being treated.

he fucking. cheated on me. and told me how he was planning on moving in with the person he was cheating on me with “in case things didn’t work out with me”. he knew i was suicidal over being uncertain about my future and did this, even telling me he was cheating on me BECAUSE of me being suicidal and uncertain.

the worst thing for me is that ofc he managed to make this about him. maybe it doesn’t make sense for it to feel worse, but it does to me for some reason. last time we even spoke about him cheating on me, he went on and on about how he hurt he was bc he felt used by the person he cheated on me with. bc that person stopped talking to him after he told them he didn’t want to do sexual stuff anymore.

things didn’t really get “better” or anything once i graduated. if anything, they just got more stressful. i was still stressed at whether i’d be able to support myself, but a bit more stable now that i had a job and a degree. my ex moved in with the promise that he would be working to get a job so that he could support himself, grow confidence, and keep things equal. i don’t. have the energy to detail everything and don’t know if it’s right. but the short of it is that i constantly had to nag him to even send out applications and he didn’t even want to go to interviews. things got really stressful between us and it eventually came out (after i told him the relationship was unhealthy and unbalanced, that i had no desire to support him entirely as this was a source of extreme stress and a lot to ask of someone new to the work force, etc) that he expected me to fully support him financially and that was what he wanted.

he wanted me to fully support him financially, to take responsibility for improving his entire emotional maturity and recovery without taking any initiative, and to fully care for him once i got home from a full day of work (as i’ve been doing). there was never a “what can i do for you?” or any signs/desire for positive change. it was only “what are you going to do for me?”. the relationship was incredibly unhealthy, unblanced, and it was clear that i wasn’t a partner but a surrogate caretaker. and when i broke up with him, he accused me of breaking my promise to support him.

and i just. i’m tired. the whole relationship felt manipulative and unhealthy, looking back. i don’t know. maybe i’m wrong. but i just don’t feel comfortable continuing to speak to somebody who repeatedly put me down, treated me like an expendable resource, and targeted the thing they knew i was most vulnerable about (my own independence and being able to support myself) when he knew that had made me suicidal in the past.

i know we have some shared friends and he’s probably going to paint me like some villain to you guys. he already compared me to his previous abuser multiple times. i don’t want to start some stupid “war” or drama or whatever and won’t push back or argue or anything because i have a ton on my plate both health and financially right now. i don’t have the energy for stupid drama. maybe i included more details than i should have, but i also left out a lot of details because i’m not really sure how much is appropriate here since this isn’t a callout or whatever. there aren’t “receipts” since many of these things were personal interactions and i’m not looking to prove anything or make a callout. you don’t have to believe me or read this or idk.

i just wanted to get this all off my chest.

#ahritext #negative #long post

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phan-of-the-pen · 6 years

Text

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 3

Hey guys! New chapter! I also used the song Resistance by Muse. ALSO I’m on spring break today so I’m going to have more free time!! That means more chapters!! :D

Tags for chapter: fluff, lowkey flirting

Words for chapter: ~3.8k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3 link)

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After about a week had gone by, Dan was feeling much more like himself. His mental health had balanced out a little, the chemicals in his brain righting themselves to as good as they ever got, and the few symptoms that he had experienced due to his concussion had faded away. Which was good, because Dan was sure that if he forgot what kind of coffee he had been in the middle of making one more time Jaime was going to kick him out of the store until he was fully healed.

Besides the normal mishaps that happened on a day-to-day basis regardless of concussions involved, the week was relatively decent enough and lacking in any special "charm", as Jaime put it. But it wasn't like Dan was complaining. Yeah, it was good to be doing something, but having a slower-than-normal week was perfect for giving Dan's health a little bit of time to catch up. Dan also didn't have to work with Steve at all this past week, which was an absolute blessing, thank god.

Dan did end up taking the whole "limiting screen time" thing a bit hard. There were multiple times where he would subconsciously pull his phone out of his back pocket to check the time or scroll through social media when there weren't any customers around, just for Jaime to pluck it right out of his hands with a tsk. And he would groan and mumble about how "unfair" she was being, but really he was kind of glad that he had someone to make sure he didn't screw his brain up any more than he already had.

And, because staying up until 4AM on Tumblr wasn't an option anymore, he was significantly much more well-rested, resulting in a much smaller consumption of caffeine, which his body seemed to be thanking him for. Funny how things can work out like that.

It was a Monday, and he was for once alone in the shop. Steve was in some other country for holiday and Jaime had come down with a nasty cold over the weekend. And, surprisingly enough, that exhausted all of their options. The store itself was small, so it easily got by with few employees, but as it was minus Dan, Jaime, and Steve, the rest of the help were teenagers still in school that took shifts on the weekends and some nights. What was Dan going to do?—call one of the kids and ask them "uh yeah hey I know you're in the middle of class right now, but could you maybe cover for someone who called out sick?". No, Dan would pass on that.

His phone dinged in his pocket, and his chuckled. That would be Jaime, for the millionth time today already, complaining that she was "literally dying". There was no one in the shop, so Dan palmed his phone, unlocking it with a swipe of his finger. He laughed at Jaime's message and replied, biting his lip to unconsciously try to hide his smile.

>> From: my maraschino cherry

dan i cant even get out of bed to write my will

how will ppl know all of my millions go to my cat

>> To: my maraschino cherry

two problems:

1 you dont have a cat

2 i know full well you have abt 37€ to your name

>> From: my maraschino cherry

i cant believe you would be this rude to me when im dying

>> To: my maraschino cherry

if ur gonna die im getting ur paycheck

>> From: my maraschino cherry

if im gonna die im gonna haunt your ass for the rest of ur miserable life howell

Dan laughed, but a teenager that was obviously skipping school walked in the store, so he pocketed his phone for the moment. She ended up ordering a coffee but didn't stray from the counter, instead she very obviously flicked her eyes over Dan and tried to flirt with him. Fortunately for Dan, however, she could tell after a few moments of his awkward stuttering and the uncomfortable hunch of his shoulders that he wasn't interested, and she backed down, wishing him a good day and walking back out of the store, throwing a "Thanks for the coffee!" over her shoulder.

When she was gone Dan let out a sigh of relief and relaxed against the counter. He hated being flirted with. It made him way too anxious and stressed out.

This Monday was the slowest day he had seen in a very long time, possibly the most empty he had ever seen the store in the entire time he had worked here, which had been quite a while. Three hours had passed since that girl had come in, and no one else had entered the store, leaving Dan alone. He'd made himself two coffee's, had his lunch break, played several games on his phone, and even face-timed Jaime. Now though, Jaime was sleeping, his phone was nearly dead, and he still had another four hours before his shift was ending. Would he last until six? Time would only tell, that was for sure.

Dan slumped through another forty-five minutes of him lazing around the coffee shop, counting the cars as they passed by. He nearly fell asleep once, and because he so happened to be working in a coffee shop, Dan made him a double caramel macchiato with an absurd amount of sugar in it. He quite nearly chugged it, just for something to do, but settled for a slightly more reserved series of large gulps.

Afterwards, he used the key in his pocket to unlock the manager's office. Well, "office" was a bit of a stretch. It was mainly just a tiny room where the security monitor was housed as well as the filing cabinet that was sure to hold things like employee records and information on ingredients purchased and such. Dan's key didn't open that, and since his key was actually Jaime's she didn't have access to that either. The only one who did was the owner.

Dan sat at the desk, looking around for some sorts of PA system. He had never really been back here, only seen Jaime come in to turn the store's music on and turn it off every day they worked together. And frankly, even if Jaime was technically the manager, she had given Dan the temporary title when he stopped by her apartment to grab the keys to the store when she called him to tell him that she was sick, and that meant that he could choose the music, today. He'd been playing songs on his phone for the day, as some source of background noise, but with the nearing death of his phone, he had stopped the app awhile ago.

Maybe music is the key to ending this suffering, Dan thought, shuffling papers out of the way, still looking. Maybe, if I can ever find the damn thing.

Dan huffed, defeated, slumping against the chair. He absentmindedly spun in it a little, rocking from left to right, thinking. So, there was obviously no little radio or something back here, connected to the speakers, so that was out of the question. There was also no microphone or anything of the sorts that could be used to broadcast music via an outside source like a phone, which wouldn't have helped him anyways with said almost-dead battery. He sat, turning the problem in question around in his head. Dan left his head fall back on the headrest, puffing out his cheeks and staring at the ceiling. He spun himself in the chair with his foot, watching as the peeling paint above him swirled with him. When he came to a stop he picked his head up, thinking about how that was probably not the greatest for his head after a recent concussion, and his gaze landed right on the computer.

He wasn't sure about his possible success rate, but he sat up, switching the monitor on. A screen for a password came up, and Dan looked at it for a moment before putting in his employee pin. The computer beeped but the screen didn't change. A pop-up surfaced: Your password was incorrect.

Dan frowned, but then lit up almost immediately as the pieces clicked into place. Of course his pin wouldn't work; he wasn't the manager of the store and didn't have a key to this back room, so it wouldn't make any sense for his employee number to work. However, Jaime was the manager, and they had clocked in for each other more than enough times at this point for each other to know their pins.

He typed out her six-number pin and hit 'enter' but this time when the computer beeped, there was no pop-up. The home screen opened and Dan smiled. There wasn't much on the screen, but he flicked his eyes over the small selection of apps lined up on the left side of the screen and clicked on one who's icon was a blue eighth note. What was basically a souped-up Spotify opened, and Dan scrolled through the music selection available. There was a history bar, but the only thing on there was the local pop station, which was obviously what Jaime played day to day.

Dan knew that this was a work computer and everything on it was probably recorded and such, and—not to mention the fact that at some point today there were going to be customers so he couldn't choose something nuts—as a result he passed by everything in the search that was heavier, more on the rock and roll side. He finally picked with a huge grin on his face, settling on one of the band's albums and hitting play, cackling when he heard the sound burst through the speakers in the front of the store. Dan raised the volume a little—just a tad, really—and stood, making his way out of the manager's office in higher spirits than he entered it with. Dan re-locked the door behind him and made his way back behind the counter with a bounce in his step.

The next half an hour was better with music to keep him company, especially with his favorite artist easing the boredom that Dan felt. He was enjoying himself, if only slightly. Darkshines faded out and Dan had just finished texting Jaime (who was probably still asleep) that he was having a ton of fun here by himself (which was only half true; the music was good, yes, but he would have preferred some company too). Dan wasn't really paying too much attention to what was playing through the speakers, but when the almost haunting sound was taken over by a wonderful piano solo and the backbeat of a drum that Dan knew so well, he dropped his phone onto the counter and forgot about it completely. Dan grinned so wide he might have been afraid of his face splitting right in two.

He sang along, gaining confidence in the vacant coffee shop with every verse. Dan drummed on the counter to the guitar, the drums, even the rise and fall of the vocals of the song itself. Dan laughed, dancing on his feet as the chorus crashed.

Love is our resistance,

They'll keep us apart and won't stop breaking us down,

Hold me,

Our lips must always be sealed

Dan was honestly having fun at that point. One of his favorite songs of all time was on, and frankly, it had picked up his whole mood.

So, really, Dan couldn't be blamed when he didn't notice the little chime of the bell on top of the front door over the music, but he did notice that he had an audience when he spun around—still, admittedly, dancing—to find a tall, skinny man with dark, dark hair and very pale skin standing, a few steps inside the store, stopped dead in his tracks, mouth open a little and eyes wide, eyebrows high on his forehead.

Dan yelped, startled and very nearly slipping on his own two feet. He felt his face flush immediately and the guy himself had a dusting of pink on his cheeks, but it was undoubtedly much much more controlled than Dan's. His mouth went dry and he suddenly wished very much that Jaime was here, because if she was, Dan wouldn't have had his choice in music, and him getting caught dancing by a stranger wouldn't have happened, damnit.

"Uh...sorry. C-can I help you?" Dan stuttered, his face still hot. One of his hands was shaking but he just slipped it into his pocket. The guy blinked and Resistance was over, the music fading into something else, and the spell between them seemed to break, returning reality to its original state. The stranger nodded, stepping forward, a small smile on his face.

"It's okay, I like Muse too, I just wasn't expecting it," he said, chuckling, "and I'll have one caramel macchiato, please," he finished, biting his lip a little at the end of his sentence. Dan nodded, turning around and started to make the coffee, grateful to not have to hold the guy's gaze, but Dan could feel his eyes burning holes into Dan's back the entire time that he mixed the drink. He tried not to feel more uncomfortable and embarrassed than he already was. It wasn't working.

"Here you go," Dan said, handing the drink over, "one caramel macchiato." Their hands brushed and Dan flicked his eyes up from where his gaze was resting on the counter. He was looking at Dan weird. Did Dan say something? Offend the guy?

But as Dan finally met the stranger's eyes with his own, he became abruptly aware of how blue they were. A memory surfaced, one of colliding head-first with a stranger on the street with similarly gorgeous eyes, causing Dan to look the guy over. He had the eyes, the same combination of pretty and handsome that Dan remembered through the haze of his headache, the same everything that Dan had remembered. Except for the pair of black glasses perched on his nose.

In all fairness, the guy had flicked his eyes over Dan too, and was looking at him expectantly, a question that Dan couldn't read in his eyes.

"Did you...this is going to sound weird, but did you happen to, ah, run into anyone? Like last week-ish? And them possibly fall over?" Dan squeaked, his small amount of confidence burning out mid-way through his question but Dan's social anxiety keeping him from dropping it.

The man smiled, and it was blinding.

"Yeah! I was wondering if it was you because you looked so familiar, but I didn't want to say anything and seem like a creep. I'm glad you said something!" He laughed, and it was the happiest sound Dan had ever heard. He could feel his blush. The stranger who Dan did-and-didn't know stuck his hand out, that smile still there.

Dan shook it, his head still whirling. His hands were just as warm as Dan remembered them, as utterly creepy that sounded in his head.

"I'm Phil, by the way, it's nice to meet you again."

"Uh, Dan. And...yeah," he replied lamely.

Internally, he groaned. Can he really be any stupider in a social conversation? Is that possible?

Phil was still smiling, but it dampened a little and he looked concerned. "How is your head, by the way? Better, hopefully?"

"Oh, yeah, it still throbs every once in awhile just to be a pain in the ass, but I think I'm good at this point. You were right though—I had a concussion. My friend ended up taking me to the doctor's."

Phil grimaced in sympathy.

"I can't say that I'm jealous of that. I'm quite a clumsy person, so I've had my fair share of concussions. I'm glad you're feeling better though! I was wondering if you were okay like, the entire rest of the day we ran into each other. I felt so guilty."

Damn, he'd probably double over if I told him that I stayed in bed for like 48 hours straight after that fall, Dan thought, eh, it was for a different reason though, maybe not.

Instead of voicing his thoughts, Dan chuckled a little.

"The whole day, huh? That's pretty empathetic, especially for a stranger."

"Oi! You looked like you were about to fall over! It was like walking one of my drunk friends home!" Phil said, almost a whine. Dan laughed, he couldn't help it really, there was just something inexplicably funny about Phil grumbling as he was.

"Besides, we aren't strangers anymore, so you're point is totally invalid."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm Phil, you're Dan. Dan and Phil. Phil and Dan. We know each other's names so we're totally not strangers."

Dan snorted and shook his head. His phone beeped on the counter, definitely just Jaime replying to him, probably telling him not to have so much fun when she was dying.

"Aw, you're ringer isn't a Muse song. I'm disappointed now." Phil said and Dan rolled his eyes.

"I don't like Muse that much, mate."

Phil scoffed playfully, and gave Dan a look.

"Really? I walked in here with you giving your own little performance of Resistance by Muse. Quite entertainingly, really, and I can bet that no one who 'doesn't like Muse that much' would do that, mate."

Dan felt a little off at that. Partially because Phil saw right through Dan's bullshit and his easy-going jibe at Dan's use of 'mate'.

"Fine, you caught me, guilty as charged and all that—I love Muse. They're my absolute favorite music group and the owners of my literal soul." At the end, Dan had gotten a bit sarcastic, but overall the statement was true. Phil smiled, but this one was different, it was slyer, like he knew a secret that Dan didn't.

"I thought so, Dan."

Dan almost choked on his own spit when Phil said his name like that. And Dan wasn't even sure what 'like that' even meant, he just knew that there was something different at how his name rolled off of Phil's lips.

Phil's eyes went a little wide, his mouth forming an 'o' like he was remembering something.

"Oh yeah! I totally forgot to pay!" Phil reached into his back pocket, and Dan's eyes totally didn't follow the movement, thank you very much. He pulled out a leather wallet and opened it up, placing his coffee on the counter so he could use two hands and was already pulling out money, but Dan snapped back to attention and waved it away.

"No no, you keep that Phil."

"Dan, I've got to pay for my coffee."

"Nope, I won't let you. It's on me, okay? I ran into you that night, you walked me home and made sure I got in safely, trust me, you keep your money, Phil."

"Dan, we ran into each other, you can't really count that," Phil said, trying to hand Dan what was enough to buy two coffees. Dan pushed Phil's hands away, giving the guy an exasperated look.

"I can and I will. Look, even if you don't count that, you still walked me home, I still owe you."

"That's not how it works."

"You did a favor for me, I'm doing a favor for you; that's so how it works."

"Dan-"

"Take the damn coffee, Phil," Dan said, and following an impulse, plucked the wallet out of Phil's hands, slipped the money back inside and shut it. Dan leaned over the counter a little for a better reach, one of his hands braced on the counter, and put the wallet into the pocket on Phil's shirt. Dan pulled back, rocking on his heels a little, and flashed Phil a little smile. Phil shook his head, but there was a smile on his face.

"You are very stubborn, Dan"

"Thanks."

Phil laughed and picked up his coffee, taking a sip. His face lit up and he looked down at the steaming drink in his hands.

"Wow this is actually really good," he said, surprise in his voice.

"You are one of those really supportive friends, aren't you, Phil." Dan snorted.

"Hey!" Phil cried, indignantly. "How do I know that fall didn't, like, scramble your brains or something? Forever impair your coffee-making abilities?"

Dan laughed again, and honestly, he couldn't help it if he tried. Phil was just too...too Phil. Dan didn't know what was about him, but now that he wasn't severely concussed, he was aware of how fun Phil seemed to be around.

It turned out that Phil had been looking around for a place to stay and burn some time before he had to get into work, so he stayed up at the counter, and he and Phil fooled around for a little, joking and teasing each other. Dan had made himself a drink (a smoothie this time because he didn't think his system could handle any more caffeine without imploding) and Phil had another coffee and a danish from their display case (which he actually paid for because he quite literally just wouldn't accept Dan waving the money away). When it came time for Phil to leave, however, the process nearly took almost fifteen minutes because neither of them would shut up. When Phil was at the glass door and they were still trading jokes, he looked at his watch and said something about running late from staying too long, and even though he didn't seem too concerned about it, Dan certainly was, shooing him out with a "Phil! Go! I swear to god if you're late to work!". Phil had laughed his way out and so had Dan, really.

When he was gone though, Dan couldn't help but feel a little lonely. He hadn't really had anyone around all day besides the very few customers that had popped in for a few minutes, and Phil's presence was a welcome change in all of it. Now that he was gone the store felt much more empty than before.

Thankfully for Dan though, soon after, things started to pick up. More and more people came in for their evening coffee, and with the customers, Dan was busy, which was good enough. When his shift was over, and two teens had come in to take over the store, Dan had forgone getting a taxi home to walk under the gloom of the Manchester skies. He stopped by a fast-food place to grab some dinner on his way back to his flat.

And if he paused and looked around at a particular corner close to home, his spirits dropping a little at the sight of nothing and nobody around him, no one had to know.

#phanfiction #phanfic #my fics #allyssaTM #phan #chaptered #dan howell #phil lester #i dare you to stay #i dare you to stay: chapter 3 #fluff #ace!dan #dan and phil #phandom #PHIL BACK LOOK AT THAT #this was really cute

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