#because for all i'm concerned i'm looking at my normal train of thought lmao

[detransdamnation]

Maybe i am in a bit of a blind spot now but stumbling upon your blog and a few of your last answers made me question - if gender roles were nonexistent in society so the sex a person has wouldnt dictate how they are treated - how could someone develop an unease about something truly neutral? I know there are sex differences in humans and thats what we talk about when we speak of transsexual people - the desire to change sex based on a terrifyingly strong discomfort with the one one has. But i am at a loss when it comes to understanding where would that discomfort even start/be influenced by (again as long as the sex you are would make everything neutral) because i always assumed that its that dichotomy of how society views females and males is what later translates into the literal base of where it comes from which is one’s sex. Then - Would the dysphoria grow out of purely desiring something that one doesnt have along the lines the grass is greener on the other side? Getting to experience sex the way it feels like as the other sex (especially in case of not heterosexual people)? Or only An aesthetic pursue? If the only thing that differentiated us in society would be the biological abilities of our bodies and the appearance of it…why do you think would someone still come up with an idea of desiring the other?

After reading especially the last answer it made me think that after all there must be some truly transsexual people who are just born being transsexual. Thats why i decided to send it because i think you established somewhere that you believe there are no trans people who are trans ”just because”, just because they have a brain of the opposite sex trapped in the wrong body etc.

I hope this makes some sense, its not an attack on anything you said more of a big wonder and desire to understand better and i really hope it comes off this way.

You make total sense. Your message doesn't come off as an attack at all.

Anon, I'll be real with you. I reread my answer on whether or not I believe gender abolition would also abolish dysphoria. I did rush in writing that response, greatly so, so the way I phrased my thoughts was particularly subpar; however, as I was trying to tie everything together in this response to you, I realized that the viewpoint I argued didn't really make sense when I held it up to my other beliefs. So, this is a humble admittance that I was, frankly, talking out of my ass. I'm going to use this as an opportunity to reassess my beliefs on this topic and will be re-answering that question once I have done so.

In the meantime, one of the best ways to assess your beliefs is to argue something you disagree with or are unsure of, so I'm going to double down and continue the argument as if I'm completely confident that it's the truth, if only to hopefully better explain where I was coming from when I wrote my previous response. So, proposed argument: Gender abolition will not necessarily abolish sex dysphoria.

First of all, what causes dysphoria and how does gender fit into that framework? I talked about this at length here [AL] and here [AL]. I specifically want to zero in on something I said in the former link:

I [...] do not personally believe that there is a “main reason” on as to why dysphoria may develop in a young person in all cases. I suppose my own “main reason” would be that I fell into the trans community because I never thought seriously about transitioning prior to that time—but the thing is, even if I hadn’t, I would still be dealing with everything else that influenced my getting to this point. [...] If I were to take the trans community out of that equation, it would just be the influence of the trans community missing.

Let’s replace the influence of the trans community with the construct of gender and let’s fast forward to this hypothetical dream society where gender is not an existent thing. We can apply what I said above. We’ve taken away gender and its influences—but we still have everything else. There are numerous factors that could cause a person to develop sex dysphoria; in a genderless society, we have only taken away one. In order to shut down any possibility of dysphoria developing, we would need to get rid of every single possible factor and influence and that is just not a possible feat. Homophobia is a significant factor in many cases of dysphoria and will remain so in a genderless society unless efforts have been previously made to abolish it. No amount of social change will ever eradicate abuse, which can be a trigger in dysphoria in that (especially long-term) abuse victims are prone to redirecting emotional pain to certain aspects of themselves, especially in an effort to regain control, even though they may not “make sense.” It is also impossible for us to eradicate, for instance, natural aspects of our biology that are just plain inconvenient or uncomfortable, which may become objects of fixation (especially in puberty) and cause a person to develop sex dysphoria thereafter. These are just a few examples off of the top of the head—but they and more may all continue on as potential factors because these things, in and of themselves, do not have anything to do with what we have abolished. They do not cease to be potential precursors to mental illness, such as dysphoria, just because we have taken one precursor away.

But why dysphoria? Why would someone develop sex dysphoria in a genderless society if sexes were seen as entirely neutral? Well, let’s turn our attention to another mental illness that is perhaps most reflective of dysphoria (so reflective, in fact, that some people believe them to be one and the same): body dysmorphic disorder. Body dysmorphia is “a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.” One’s “flaws” cause significant distress, even to the point of seeking out cosmetic procedures in an aim to “fix” them. Anything can be a trigger in body dysmorphia, although some of the most common include facial features, hair, skin complexion, and coincidentally, sex characteristics such as breasts, facial hair, or genitals—which are all inherently neutral features. No physical feature is objectively “wrong” or “bad,” “good” or “right,” “pretty” or “ugly.” They just are.

So, then, we could ask the same question: Why would people with this disorder fixate on these features and develop an unease with them if they are truly neutral? We could argue the societal pressure of beauty ideals, and certainly, that is a factor in a lot of cases—but if body dysmorphia were truly an issue of how certain features are seen and treated, exclusively, then by all means and purposes, people who are considered to be conventionally attractive should not also be seen developing the disorder. Marilyn Monroe could be an example of this: considered one of the most beautiful women in the world in her time and years after and yet (was believed to have) struggled with body dysmorphia until the day that she died.

Things don’t have to be “not neutral” in order for someone to not like them. Things can be neutral and still cause one discomfort. Things can be seen and treated as indifferent by the collective and yet still be hated by the individual. Why do non-dysphoric people have insecurities at all? A lot of the time, they don’t have specific reasons. I don’t feel they need to have reasons. Just like I don’t feel dysphoric people need to have an ultimate reason on as to why we would develop sex dysphoria when we could have fixated on any other physical trait.

I think where people tend to get tripped up in these discussions is, they try to apply what they know to be reasonable to mental illnesses and how they present in order to rationalize, to themselves, what we are feeling and experiencing—but in doing so, I feel we easily lose sight of the fact that, even without mental illness, the brain does not need a logical reason to fixate on something, to hate something, to want to get rid of something. Marilyn Monroe having been an icon of beauty did not change the fact that she didn’t like her face—and my not believing in gender does not change the fact that I don’t like my sex and desire to be the opposite. Marilyn continued to feel the way she did because she had body dysmorphic disorder. I continue to feel the way I do because I have dysphoria. Both disorders alter how we perceive reality and cause us to believe things about ourselves that are not objectively true. We desire what we do not have because that is a symptom of the inherently nonsensical disorders that we have. That is all there is to it. That is our “why.”

And I am content just leaving it at that. It is my own personal stance that we cannot chase the logistics behind something that is not logical to begin with. At the end of the day, there is no ultimate reason for mental illness. Mental illness does not need to make sense. Mental illness only needs humanity. It will continue to exist no matter how humanity progresses.

So, under this argument, there are a few different points to be had, main ones being that gender abolition will not necessarily abolish sex dysphoria because gender and sex are not one and the same; to take away gender is to take away only one possible factor in one’s dysphoria; and although outside factors can (and do) influence dysphoria and would continue to do so in a genderless society on account of the previous two points, there’s ultimately no “reason” on as to why dysphoric people would continue to cling on to their sex in this society where the two sexes are seen and treated as the exact same—simply because dysphoria, being a mental illness, does not exist on a plane that is rational.

Considering these viewpoints and assuming that they all coexist in this genderless society, then, it may be easy to conclude, like you did, that some people are just born transgender. I do understand how you may have come to that conclusion after reading my response and even I, looking back, feel like that is what I insinuated, even though I did not mean to and was not coming from that position. To clarify, as I have stated before, I do not believe in the idea of “true trans,” and seeing as this is a belief that I actually hold very true to and have for a long time, I’d like to explain why. This is no longer me proposing an argument that I am merely “considering.” This is me demonstrating what I believe.

There are a few different things to consider in the statement, “People are born transgender,” starting with the implications of what it means to be transgender and specifically the dysphoric aspect of it. To suggest that someone could be born transgender is also to insinuate that someone could be born dysphoric, that someone could be born already set to hate their bodies as they grow older.

Of course, we could be less technical here. You may not be born with mental illness in the literal sense—but you can develop mental illness extremely early on in life. So, under the argument that dysphoria is a mental illness, dysphoria can develop from a very young age, and therefore the child, express (what may be interpreted as) a transgender identity. Okay, fair enough. What I have never received closure on is, if a young child exhibits hatred of any other part of their body for any other reason, it is universally considered abnormal, a red flag, something to treat—but as soon as gender or sex comes into the picture, this self-hatred becomes something to validate.

Let’s say that a young child tells you that they do not like their body. Without any other context, what would your first reaction be? Chances are, you would assume that someone or something in this child’s life has taught or influenced them to think this way, even if only inadvertently, and hopefully, you would rush to tell this child that there is nothing wrong with their body, that they are perfect just the way they are. But let’s say, after probing a little further, this young child tells you that they don’t “feel like” their sex, or that they want to be the opposite (in little kid terms). Would you then change your tune and decide that they were “born that way,” that they hate their body because they were just meant to be the opposite sex instead? If your answer is yes, or your no follows hesitancy, I have to wonder what, specifically, would change your mind. What is it about dysphoria that is so different from any other form of self-hatred? Moreover, what implications do you think there are in a child telling someone they presumably trust that they are uncomfortable in their body—and that trusted adult telling them that they are uncomfortable in their body because they were, indeed, born “wrong?”

This leads to an essential question that we, ironically, so often overlook. We have a dysphoric child in front of us. What would make them transgender? The most likely definition of a trans person that everyone could agree on would be someone who is dysphoric, likely someone who has been dysphoric since early childhood—but even that is not a perfect or even accurate definition because not all people with dysphoria go on to transition, not even people with long-term or “treatment-resistant” dysphoria. If dysphoria does not make a transgender person, what does?

Let’s say we have one-thousand dysphoric people in front of us and one person in the group—say, the young child in this analogy, now an adult—is transgender. The only thing that distinguishes this person from the rest of the group is the very act of transition. If this person had never transitioned, there would be no difference between them and the rest of the group. We would have a solid group of cisgender dysphoric people. The transgender person is distinguished only through action, self-identity and personal experience in attempts to accommodate that self-identity. “Brain sex” has been proven to be a myth, so we know there are no biological differences to point to them having “needed” to transition—and even under the possibility that there do exist biological markers in dysphoria that we have not discovered yet, that does not prove that people can be born transgender. At most, these markers could stand as predispositions, similar to how people can be carriers for certain diseases or have “bad genes” that make them more likely to suffer from certain ailments—but none of these things equate to destiny, and in fact, in the case of dysphoria, would only prove that a supportive environment could prevent it—and transgender identity—from coming into the picture at all.

The suggestion that some people are just “made” to go through with any action, including transition, is an insinuation of fate—and I do not believe in fate. I believe in free will to some extent, although that would open us up to the more philosophical question of whether free will is truly free, seeing as we are reflections of our environment and cannot completely separate ourselves from it. In either case, we have seen and established that we can both influence one to develop dysphoria, as well as prevent one from developing dysphoria, all depending on how we, as a society, treat them—and if the people around us can help to prevent dysphoria from becoming an issue entirely, thereby circumventing the desire to transition at all, it is impossible for transgender identity to be truly innate to any one person.

In summary and in closing, mental illness, including dysphoria, is encouraged by—and sometimes even brought on by—our surrounding environment in almost all cases. Environments naturally change overtime, and in the process, certain factors in mental illness may become less common or even disappear entirely; however, just because one goes away does not mean all others disappear. One of many of our possible futures as a society is one without gender, and unsurprisingly, this would get rid of gender as a trigger in dysphoria—but so long as no other factors have been dismantled in the process, they will continue on as potential influences in its development, even in this genderless society. It then may be easy to conclude that some people are just “born” transgender, especially seeing as how the development of sex dysphoria in a genderless society would be even more random (comparatively to that of a gendered one)—but that conclusion, that “Some people are just born that way,” would not be reached with any other mental illness, and beyond that, does not give us, the society, enough credit or responsibility. The fact that there are trans people who barely even remember not being trans, such as myself, stand not as proof that we are “true transsexuals” but as proof that we live in a society that is hostile to multiple vulnerable populations and it is up to us to change that. Gender abolition will not solve all of these problems and it may not even get rid of sex dysphoria entirely—but it is essential and a great place to start, which is why I continue to stand for it, even despite it not being a perfect fix.

I hope this gave you a little more to think on.

#i hope this didn't come off too accusatory or preachy #i tend to argue with myself when i write and i can never tell if i'd come off as harsh to someone else #because for all i'm concerned i'm looking at my normal train of thought lmao #anyway anon in the time i left you waiting for a response i have done a lot of thinking #and i have so many more thoughts on this topic than even i previously assumed #my beliefs have already actually rather significantly changed since my previous post #at least in that i am now looking at the situation with a lot more nuance that i had neglected to consider at the time #but hopefully the argument i proposed here paints a bit of a better picture on where i was coming from when i had originally written it #it's far from perfect but then again nothing is perfect to me so i'll just aim for... good enough. #and on another completely unrelated note i have no idea which anon this is because all of mine type the same #someone needs to take on a more distinctive typing style so i can tell who's who lmao #submission #answered #gender critical #writing #text #my post

[psianabel-writes]

Brain (& Sigurd) - Too much Light

(Heavy headcanon territory obv., as long as Missing Link isn't out I can craft my own thoughts about Scala's worldbuilding during that time, lmao. Very inspired by @/dandelionvirus's post of Brain just ... being corrupted by light.)

----------------

Brain stared at his hands.

His sight was blurry, unable to focus on anything concrete. Maybe due to the stuffiness of the room, maybe because of all the loud talking around him, maybe … maybe because of something else entirely.

He didn’t care. He was here, like he was ordered to, and he listened, more or less. It was the same topic as always.

Darkness is spreading, we need to do something.

He started to clench his fist, his sight starting to grow brighter, but focused instead, and a flood of warmth washed over him in a pleasant motion - he unclenched his hand again, releasing a deep breath as his normal sight returned.

Like clockwork it happened again and again over the past few months, though the intervals grew shorter. Still, it wasn't anything he was concerned of - the feeling of the gentle warmth was to his liking after all.

"No! I will not allow it!"

The sudden outburst from someone sitting at the table made Brain look up from his spot. The person rose from their chair and pointed to the man sitting right opposite of him. And in return he stood up as well, pointing back.

Right, the discussion. Brain almost forgot he was here for something important.

"What else do you intend to do? What do you want to tell the citizens living in that district? "Oh I'm sorry we can't help you, we're too scared!""

Brain flinched at the high-pitched, mocking tone.

"I will not send more of my men into their death because they are not prepared for this kind of darkness!"

"Then hasten their training!"

"We don't have the time for that." A third person chimed in, her head ducked low and focused on the map displaying the city's layout on it. She moved her finger along the outlines of the district they were apparently talking about, until she finally tapped her fist against it. "Pointless discussion. What If will help us naught - how many do we need to defeat it?"

Now a fourth person scrambled with their papers in front of them, adjusting their glasses to read the report properly. "Uh, the initial report calculated three squadrons -"

The first person shook their head immediately.

"That's not -"

"- ... unless growth is detected, which hasn't happened yet."

"It's not enough!"

Again and again. Repeat and repeat.

Pointless discussion, he had to agree. They weren’t prepared for this darkness, he also had to agree.

No one in this room was, no one among their keyblade wielders either. One couldn't fight this darkness if their heart wasn't filled with light.

They claimed to be light, yet their darkness growled in these discussions. Brain could see the streams emerging from them, wrapping them in their sweet embrace, fueling the discussion more and more.

Did they not notice? He squinted his eyes.

"... At least five. Their hearts are most balanced, they can withstand it if you give me two more days to prepare them."

Balance. Whatever they meant by that. They weren’t balanced, and even if they were -

They couldn’t stand against that darkness like this. They didn't understand. Exposed to darkness like this would just tip their balance to the other direction. He had seen it, over and over. They didn't listen.

They didn't understand.

Light was the only way to push back the looming threat they were facing. None of them were ready for it.

Silently Brain stood up, sighing deeply as he wanted to walk around the table to take a look at the map on the other side.

"No one will go. I'll handle it." The sight. The room felt so bright again, his heart jumped in joy. "Where is it, I take it down."

Just as he took a quick glance to confirm his destination and wanting to make his leave out of the room, another person stood up and placed himself right in front of Brain.

Sigurd stared right at him, this closeness bordering on being too uncomfortable for both parties like this, making Brain almost take a step back. But he refused.

"You will not." His voice, stern as he had never heard him before, made the room grow silent. "I will not let you do this on your own."

Seconds of silence passed. An eternity of staring between Sigurd and Brain, no one backing down from the other.

While the others' heated discussion brought their own darkness to the surface, there was nothing around Sigurd. Nothing but pure equilibrium, a balance the whole city seemed to strife for, and it clashed with Brain's heart.

He couldn't take Sigurd with him. The darkness he wanted to confront would bring this balance out of order. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't. Sigurd's light was too … comforting to him to have to be tainted.

"Get … out of my way." Maybe his tone was too harsh, but Brain had to get out of this room. He made a motion with his hand and his familiar Master's Defender appeared at his side. "Don't have me do something I'll later regret."

A murmur went through the room and every pair of eyes were fixed on the two men.

Surely Brain wouldn't do anything to Sigurd, right here right now, and yet -

"... If you don't come back in one piece, you will never hear the end of it." Sigurd placed a finger on Brain's chest, still having his full attention. "Swear to me."

But Brain only cracked a small grin, using his free hand to push down his hat to cover his eyes. He took the steps around Sigurd and wordlessly left the room.

#kingdom hearts #kh brain #fanfiction #khml #kh sigurd #my work #I would like. Brain and Sigurd having a Dynamic. gestures with my hands #no i wont elaborate

[marnz]

what was the starting point/inspiration for stay close to me? also I'm so curious about the Esen pov fix-it, what was the general plot?

Ahhh thank you for these great questions, because stay close to me actually arose out of me unable to figure out how to make the Esen pov fix it (a longing that's killing me) work. I find Esen so hard to write because he is such an asshole lmao, and I also find mirroring SPC's prose super difficult because our prose styles are opposites.

The Esen Fix It was basically me trying to fix the almost kiss. It starts off after the almost kiss and basically is about Esen realizing he's been a huge dick and trying to be better/less offensive so he can be with Ouyang while also trying to figure out how it's physically possible to be with Ouyang...but I was concerned it was very OOC. Esen never apologizes in the book, even when he knows he's very wrong, and the way I had Esen justify his own behavior to himself felt weak. I have almost 7k of this fic but due to my concerns about characterization I abandoned it. It's unfortunate, the dramatic irony was delicious. I would love to figure out how to finish it :( Later I started what would become stay close to me from Esen's pov but ran into the same problems.

For stay close to me's inspiration, 1) I love horses 2) I think what makes Ouyang such a complex character is not just the gender stuff but also his identity as a disabled person, and I wanted to explore his relationship with his body 3) I think the opening scene in stay close to me is the part of the novel where Ouyang would be most compelled to turn back or deviate from the path he must walk, and the perfect opportunity for Esen to realize Ouyang is actually not happy. 4) when I was rereading I was struck by Esen's dialogue...almost every time he talks to Ouyang he's hinting at having feelings for Ouyang, it's insane. I can't decide if Ouyang subconsciously knows this and is not acknowledging it because of his duty to his family or if he seriously missed Esen's blatant flirting attempts. Like the first time we meet Esen he's literally staring at Ouyang and playing with his hair. Give me a break! The text supports both theories, unfortunately.

But not all is lost, as I am cribbing my fav elements from this fix it and adding them to my ouyang pov fix it, which has turned into a monster :(

I've added a snippet of the Esen pov fix it below the read more for funsies.

That night it rained. The cold crept in through the window paper and Esen, thinking of Ouyang, ordered a fire lit, and then had to strip off some of his layers. The fire hissed and recoiled when Ouyang entered his quarters, as it always did. Ouyang had never commented on it so Esen never had either, but now Ouyang looked at the fire and then at Esen.

“I was cold,” Esen said. He was sweating.

Ouyang, who wore his usual surfeit of layers, said nothing. A servant brought airag; Esen dismissed him and all other servants, as was custom for any military briefings. Ouyang settled in and gave his report on the replacement cavalry, their integration, and how the army was utilizing the extra funds. Esen, playing absently with his jade hair beads, let Ouyang’s low, raspy voice wash over him. It all felt normal, absurdly normal. Yet everything had changed.

“My thanks, General. I’m not surprised training the replacement forces is going well despite Altan’s absence. I knew you would not fail me.”

Ouyang gave a thin smile. “Shao has chosen Zhao Man for Altan’s replacement.”

“Not Jurgaghan?” Esen asked, wrinkling his nose. His third wife would be displeased.

“As his father is not the father of the Empress, no. Shao likes Zhao Man.”

“I don’t care about Shao,” Esen said impatiently. Truthfully he didn’t like Shao, who always seemed contemptuous no matter who he spoke to. But he trusted Ouyang to have good reason for promoting Shao to Senior Commander. “Do you not like Jurgaghan?”

Ouyang’s look was sardonic. “I do not know him well.”

Yes; Ouyang had always avoided Esen’s wives for some reason. “He is a strong fighter. His archery is good; he rides well.”

“Would he be related to you if he did not?”

“Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“There is nowhere else I want to be,” Ouyang said quietly.

A tender ache spread through Esen’s chest. It felt like it was pressing up against his lungs and heart, overwhelming them. He felt, as he often did, a longing to keep Ouyang close, but now he wanted Ouyang physically close. It wasn’t enough for Ouyang to sit next to him. He wanted Ouyang in his arms. He wanted them skin to skin. Whenever he had felt such an unmannish sentiment before he had buried it or, if it were particularly strong, imagined what Chaghan would say if such a thing got back to him. But now his longing for Ouyang was so powerful that it was as unending as the steppes.

Ouyang was watching Esen’s face closely. He was very still, his hand clenched around his cup of airag. It was exactly like the night when Esen had horribly insulted him, except this time Ouyang had sought him out. Esen felt the pull of fate again, a pull that seemed determined to bring them into contact. What sort of contact, he could not say. For a moment, him being impaled by Ouyang’s sword or undone by the slow press of Ouyang’s mouth seemed to be equally possible. But Esen knew Ouyang would never hurt him.

“Ouyang,” Esen murmured. Again came the thought that Ouyang was beautiful, but it was a proud and remote beauty, a beauty that was forbidding. And so Esen dared not reach for him.

A shadow passed across Ouyang’s face. He bowed his head and let go of the cup. “My Prince?”

“Do not call me that. Please.”

Ouyang’s throat bobbed. “Why not?”

“I have asked you a thousand times not to.”

“And I have told you a thousand times that I must. Nothing has changed.”

“Everything has changed,” said Esen.

Ouyang did look up at that. He held himself with the high, wavering tension that preceded a lightning strike. It was dread. The pain of knowing how badly he had failed Ouyang over and over again made Esen speak slowly.

“I can never apologize enough for your family’s death--”

“I do not wish to speak of it.”

“Then at least let me apologize for being an unrepentant ass. Please.” There seemed no other apology he could make that was not insipid.

Here came that close gaze again. “Apology accepted,” Ouyang said at length.

Esen looked down at the table, at his abandoned cup, and chose his words carefully. “For a long time all I cared about was making my father proud.” Again, that tension. Perhaps Ouyang was right to worry; Esen did run a risk of offending him with his next statement. “I made certain sacrifices to that end. It is the job of a son to do so.”

“Yes,” Ouyang’s voice was almost soundless.

“But my father is dead.”

“Your duty to him remains.”

“Of course it does, but I don’t--” Flustered, Esen forced himself to stop and think. How like a woman he felt, unable to be forthright. “The ways I must make him proud have shifted since I became Prince of Henan. Given that, given that--everything has changed--I am not willing to continue making this sacrifice. It would be unbearable to do so.”

Ouyang hardly seemed to be breathing. When Esen finally gathered the courage to look at him, Ouyang was staring at him with such intensity that Esen felt himself flush.

“Esen,” Ouyang whispered.

The deep pleasure of hearing Ouyang say his name made Esen temporarily shut his eyes. He knew immediately they could never go back. But words seemed particularly treacherous, so instead of speaking he held out a hand to Ouyang.

#answered #fey-dancer #she who became the sun #ouyang/esen #my fic #long post #thank you for this ask it was delightful #i am over caffeinated and stressed about deadlines (terrible combination) so i was very happy to think about SWBTS on my lunch break #i DID read a scientific paper on the health effects of castration for stay close to me and it was. grim. #i did a lot of research! both on anatomy and the yuan dynasty! this will all help me out for INTWFY. #stay close to me #sorry for any typos #edit this is so long i am SO sorry

[athena-is-a-chaotic-lil-shit]

Of Ice and Blood

Part 2

Hello there! I present to you, part 2 of my orc x fem!human series!

I still don't know what to name this fic of mine

I should've thought about the title in the first place lmao

Anyways! I'll try updating constantly if I can. Enjoy reading!

Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Pairing: Tai'chi Kashharzol (Orc) x Pearl Blackbell (Human OC/Reader)

Warnings: Cursing, lots of cursing. Mild violence and mentions of injury.

UD 01/10/21 : CLEANED AND PROOFREAD PROPERLY (hey I did my best)

(reference to the mask she's currently wearing //her hair is still braided// )

*

Even with the tedious introduction the professor was on about, I couldn’t help but pick up the whispers of my human classmates, and the unmistakable nasty odor they were giving off.

“Hey. Look at that orc over there.”

“Tsk. Beast. Why is it even here—”

“I bet it’s gonna get suspended from breaking someone’s arm.”

“It looks like he’s gonna kill somebody soon.”

Snickers and clicks of disgust went around the group.

The professor shushed them, not quite knowing what they were talking about before he moved on.

I cursed, feeling my blood boil from their words. The orc wasn’t even doing anything! And they slander him like that? I would love to break their fucking ne—

No, damn it! No violence! Mama will go crazy if she finds out I broke someone’s spine. Behave and endure. Remember your training.

...but seriously though, I'm going to fucking snap their legs. Nah, perhaps use pepper spray on their eyes until they go blind, even though the mixture inside my spray bottle wasn’t made to have permanent effects on someone, but it would still cause great discomfort.

I hugged my backpack, the thought of my dusters inside somehow comforting.

I didn’t notice Tai'chi was taking glances at me out of concern while I was imagining how I’d smash those jerks’ faces.

************************************

My mind wandered around the interaction by the gates earlier, and how... contradicting... it was when I entered the building.

Everything passed like a blur as I continued daydreaming about other things, hardly paying attention to what everyone else was saying. Plus it takes a lot of concentration to survive their pungent scents.

A bell rang, bringing me back down to Earth. It was lunchtime already.

Everyone seemed relieved as they started filing out of the area and headed towards the cafeteria. [a/n: Ooh that rhymed] I failed to see the lingering glances of barely masked distaste in our direction.

I glanced at the or— Tai'chi, whom I found out was looking at me already, stunning me at how he stared for a moment before I broke eye contact and stood up, which he also did. I almost fell back down my chair when I scented him.

Wha—

How the fuck did I not smell him before?!

I must’ve focused too much on the awful odor surrounding me that it didn’t register this—

This, oh my God.

To describe it, it was simply so— manly (or is it Orcish?). Like the scent of fresh earth and the warmth of a fireplace in the midst of a cold night. Embers crackling and sending sparks up into the sky.

He doesn’t smell one trace of a beast at all! In fact, I’ve never smelled someone so clean, so pleasant, all the while exuding masculinity, and was that a tad hint of vanilla?

For the first time in a while, I couldn’t place what the feeling was exactly. He simply smells so— good. Which is a positive sign?

I looked up to his eyes once more before I blurted out, probably a little too high-pitched;

“Lunch?”

Seriously? That’s what comes out of your damn mouth?

“I mean, do you want to go grab some lunch? At the cafeteria?” I clarified to sound normal and unaffected, (even when I clearly am).

Was the last part necessary? You’ve broken noses, dealt painful blows like a skilled warrior, but you’re embarrassing yourself.

I was busy reprimanding myself that I nearly missed what he said.

"Sure.”

He straightened up, and I was then faced with the reality of how damn tall he is. Or is it because I’m short? I barely reached over 5 feet, and he is standing there, almost three heads taller than me. Was he hunching for my sake earlier?

Wowie…

I scented a hint of pride, and was that a small quirk of his lips for a second there?

Huh. My mask is a lifesaver, or else he would've seen my jaw dropping.

I followed him out and headed straight for the campus’ cafeteria, all the while trying to converse here and there.

****************************

'Trying’ was not the right word.

Definitely not.

It was surprising, how easy and nice it was to talk to him. I could scent his apprehensiveness when I talked to him at first, but he relaxed not long after I introduced myself properly.

It felt... natural.

I learned that he came from the Northside of the country and moved to the city last year to pursue his dreams and to find a better future for his clan. I also told him about my family and home, along with my reasons for being here, leaving out the… violent part.

“My family and my entire clan wanted the best for me and my brothers. Up in the North, education is… very limited. Although ever since we were young, we were taught everything from our clan’s history, how to hunt for food, what herbs and plants were poisonous, what were medicinal and edible, how to stay alive, survive and so on.”

He paused for a moment before continuing.

“But we were cut off from the modern world. Times are changing, fast. Global warming being a major problem, leaving a huge impact on our living. So, when my clan heard about a school in the city, open to all races, they turned to us, the youth, and we took this chance.”

I looked down and thought about how disconnected the others were, only given the freedom to modern society eight years ago. Eight years is a long time, but I guess it’ll take more than that for everyone to get used to the change. That doesn’t mean they should treat them poorly!

As I realized I’ve been quiet for a while, I shot up and apologized for not replying.

“No, it’s okay. You looked like you were in deep thought. I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Y-yeah… I was—”

“Thinking about how the majority of the human race still see us as beasts?”

There was a bit of spite in his voice, although barely noticeable. Or was it because I caught a whiff of it? No one was paying much attention to us while we were walking. But I noticed many of them hastily stepping aside and felt their glares at my back.

“How did you know?” I asked, curious.

“I could tell from your- I could tell, from the way you frowned earlier when one of those humans said something.”

Oh. He was looking at me that time?

“Frowned? But my mask—”

“It’s easy to tell if you are frowning when your eyebrows scrunch up like that. Believe me, my father does that a lot.”

“Ah. Well. It was just very rude of them. To talk shit about you and your kind like that, as if they were any better. You weren’t even doing anything, and they judge you based on your race. Orcs are civilized and intelligent just like any other, and I don’t understand why there’s still so much prejudice after eight damn years—”

I stopped and restrained the urge to go wild and curse every single human who smelled so foul every time we pass by.

“Sorry. I was...rambling.”

Was I this talkative? Maybe it's because I never had anyone to talk to.

He didn’t reply, which I found strange, so I glanced over at him and saw his eyes wide open and brows shooting up in surprise. It was almost comical.

“Uh, Tai'chi?”

Before he could even utter a word, we arrived at a huge hall where students were chatting and enjoying their lunch. Still, I noticed some humans were giving unkind looks to a gathering of goblins eating at the far left side corner of the cafeteria.

And of course, I didn’t fail to smell that wretched odor coming from a group of girls on my right when we walked in. I also recognized the one who pushed me, (No doubt it was intentional). I had to pinch my nose over my mask just but I could only block out half of it.

Ah shit, this mask doesn’t have proper air filtration.

I groaned as I tried to cut off the noise and thickened scents. For real, I wasn’t expecting it to be this harsh! I could literally smell discrimination and hate in the air!

Fuck. I should’ve worn my other mask. I swear I’m gonna burst if I stay and inhale more of that any longer—

“Pearl, are you okay?”

I groaned again and didn’t reply, busy controlling my sense of smell to even open my mouth. We were standing there like a pair of street posts, blocking a small part of the main entrance. That is if there was a 5ft- tall post. I’m more like that foldable caution sign.

“Pearl—”

“Hey, you there! Freaks! Move out of the way.”

Great. Another awful fucking odor. And what a coincidence! It was the one I smelled this morning!

“Are you deaf? I said—”

He shouldn’t have grabbed my shoulder, shouldn’t have tried to shove me aside, for the second I felt his hand reaching for me, and before Tai'chi could pull me away, my reflexes kicked in.

What did I do exactly? Oh, I simply grabbed that damned arm of his, threw him over my shoulder, and slammed him down on the tiled floor in front of me, finishing a one-arm shoulder throw.

The people in the area halted what they were doing and a short-lived silence came over, broken by whispers.

So much for keeping a low profile.

The guy I just performed basic self-defense on was spitting curse words at me. He was still on the floor, trying not to voice the pain in his back.

“Freak! You’re a monster, aren’t you?! How dare you do this to me. Don't you know who I am?!" he yelled.

Did he mean me or? Either way, what he said was not true.

I tried to calm my anger down and gave him a forced smile, under my mask, and mustered up the voice and tone I always used when I’m annoyed.

But right now, I am pissed.

“Now, dear, fellow, human, what you said was clearly untrue. I am entirely human and this person beside me is an orc. Or were you blinded by your overgrown ego and disgusting attitude to see the obvious in front of you? Surely that must be it. The entrance to the cafeteria is wide enough for two people to not serve as a hindrance to the ones coming in, but still, you chose to try and shove me aside yourself. Well, I won’t apologize but I’ve had enough pushing for one day. And lastly, no, I do not know you and I don’t care.”

I gritted my teeth, my face hurting from smiling forcefully. The cafeteria was quite silent enough all the while and no doubt they heard every word I said.

Fuck.

I twisted around and bolted out of the building.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! I blew it! Fucking blew my chance to have a normal college life! Now everyone will think I’m some crazy person and would, without a doubt, avoid me forever.

I was too busy cursing and walking away, planning to hide in a hole for all eternity that I didn’t feel the presence of someone following me.

Without thinking much of where I was heading, my feet led me to a secluded part of the uni. Tall trees lining up before and around me looking like an entrance to a forest, and so I tried hiding behind one. Hoping that the guards wouldn’t notice and detain me or something.

I sat down between the great roots of an oak tree and rested my head on top of my knees as I took deep breaths and listened.

Nature always had a place in my heart. How could it not? When you can hear the chirps of little birds, the soothing sound of leaves rustled by the wind. And the peace that comes with it all.

Not to mention it smells so relaxing.

“Hello there.”

************************************

Haha! What will Pearl do next I wonder, and who is this person who followed her??

Had to cut it off at that part because my dearest self just loves cliff hangers—

And because I wanted to post something as soon as possible.

Hope you enjoyed! I will be working on the third part asap.

Tags: @kokokatsworld @crackinanutshell

#orc x human #orc #orc lover #orc x oc #orc/human #monster lover #monster x human #exophilia #fiction writing #my writing #still trying to think of a decent title for this #hopefully I'll come up of something before I finish the third part. #Happy New Year #! #orc boyfriend #monster boyfriend #fem!lead #terato #original work #terato writing #orc x reader

[in-tua-deep]

Hi! Ok so I'm totally taking you up on your offer and gonna send in some stuff! So, I did a rewatch recently and took a few notes (mostly following 5 bc his concept and interactions are just so fascinating to me) and I noticed some stuff! 1] none if the kids have practically ANY physical interaction unless it's a fight or Allison and Vanya. Idk about you, but to me, that implies an oddly formal relationship even tho they're family and makes 5 and the handler that much stranger (1/?)

(2/?) And gives it that much of a contrast. I think someone on here counted that she touches him like 20 times or something? Idk BUT 2) there is such a clear divide between the “older” and “younger” siblings bar Diego and Klaus that it almost feels like 2 different families at times and it’s really interesting! 3) only 3 siblings have canon PTSD flashbacks/visions if we exclude Vanya during her breakdown: 5 and Klaus obviously, but also Allison, which is really interesting and plays into how

(3/3) Her growth bc of Claire. 4) 5 had to see his dead siblings, we know this, but he was also the one holding the cloth over Allison’s neck when Vanya attacked her, which is a horrifying detail but I love it. 5) there were 2 extra seats at the dining table in the flashback of all the kids! It’s probably not important, but with the shows attention to detail I can’t help but wonder. Also I’m sorry I just completely dumped on you but I wanted to know your thoughts 😅😅 that and I love your metas

yeAH my sister pointed out to me at one point that the Hargreeves familiarity with violence was alarming in that a lot of their physical interactions with one another were… violent. Diego fighting with Luther at the funeral. Klaus smacking Five across the face at the eyeball place. Luther choking Klaus. Luther choking Vanya. Ben punching Klaus. Like genuinely a concerning amount of their interactions with one another involve some form of violence oof and none of them really apologize for any of it either. It’s accepted and made to seem almost normal which says all manner of bad things about their family dynamic rip

BUT they also have interactions I feel are at odds with that - Vanya taking care of Five’s arm, Diego tying up Klaus to detox, Klaus attempting to comfort Luther even after literally just being smacked around by him, Diego with Klaus at the vet bar, Klaus and Five’s conversation on the steps of MeriTech where Five tells Klaus about Dolores - just these soft in between moments where they look after or confide in one another

and all of those moments are private, they’re one on one whereas in a group they tend to fight and put up walls and argue which says to me that collectively the family wasn’t allowed to show weakness (thanks Reggie) and so they fight in order to protect their weak points before anyone can attack them

there’s like, the four A’s of how people handle conflict and one of those is aggression. It’s attacking because you feel like if you aren’t on the attack then you’re the one being attacked. It’s raising your voice and being the aggressor and starting conflict because you’re trying to protect yourself, because you’ve learned that it’s kill-or-be-killed and if you aren’t on the offense then you’re being hurt (i know there’s avoid and appease and i can’t remember the other one off the top of my head whoops)

so what i’m saying is that when there’s witnesses, when there’s a group, they’re on the offensive from the start. But alone, there’s a little more wiggle room for weakness. Alone is at night when there’s no training left in the relative safety of their own rooms. Alone with one other person is private, and privacy is safety in a house like that.

So there’s this paradoxical roughness and softness with one another, they were in competition with each other no doubt but they’re also family. Reginald pitted them against one another, but there’s no possible way to keep walls up ALL the time, you know?

but yeah i have a lot of feelings about the kids interactions with one another to say the least u picked a topic i like to ramble about as is clear from all this text and i didn’t even talk about the handler and how i feel like her touch was with the primary motivation to make Five uncomfortable and to punish him for his rebellion

okay there is more to this ask and this response is going to get so long I can already tell sorry in advance

and yeah the divide between the siblings with ‘older’ and ‘younger’ siblings is interesting!! Luther-Diego-Allison are one-two-three and are sort of purposefully portrayed as the older siblings. I definitely think Luther and Allison were off in their own little world as kids and they were definitely the golden children, the good kids, the ones who didn’t really question their father and avoided a lot of punishments. They were set apart from the rest of the family - and I think a lot of that was on purpose.

Because Reginald Hargreeves pitted these children against one another, in a move that honestly was smart even as it speaks to the fact that he’s a horrifying human being: because if there is discord among the ranks and rivalries and pettiness then the kids aren’t banding together against the true threat in the household - they’re going at one another’s throats instead of Reginald’s. The rivalry between Luther and Diego is probably the clearest portrayed tbh but Five was clearly also held up as someone to beat, someone who was competition (”he ADAPTED”)

so it’s almost like there are three groups really - the ‘good’ kids, the middle kids, and the disappointments. You have Luther and Allison at the top, Diego and Five and maybe Ben in the middle (and Five is only in there because he’s too headstrong, too willful to be at the top because Reggie doesn’t appreciate those that can think for themselves), and then you have Klaus and Vanya way down at the bottom. And there’s crossover relationships between the tiers (Diego and Luther’s rivalry, Five and Vanya’s solidarity, Klaus and Ben being bros etc.) but they were divided up on purpose tbh

alright moving on i could yell about how reginald fucked up a bunch of perfectly good kids all day lmao but

Allison is such an interesting character in general??? like she’s not even in my top three for the show but damn if tua doesn’t have some seriously interesting characters in the show hot damn like her journey from petulant and manipulative child familiar and comfortable with violence to an adult trying desperately to piece her family back together and prove to herself that she can be the good mother she desperately wants to be to Claire

i feel like i yell an awful lot about luther and allison for someone who has them towards the bottom of their list of favs tbh whoops

also GOD how dare you remind me of Five’s Extra Trauma regarding that scene holy heck like is wasn’t enough he had to find his siblings dead bodies in the apocalypse he also has to press his hands to his sister’s throat and literally see the life fade from her eyes as they rush to save her?? like shit man and that’s a concept that i haven’t seen anyone really do anything about as well like actually @ authors who aren’t me bc i have a dozen other aus to write on top of my various ideas, someone please address this

also do you think that’s the reason that Five initially agrees to killing Vanya at the bowling alley?? because he’s thinking about Allison’s blood hot against his hands and he missed the entirety of the apology/Vanya freaking out scene???? I mean even though I yell about Five’s motivation being his family I don’t think it was out of character for him to turn on Vanya because in his mind stopping the apocalypse has become so entwined with saving his family that they might as well be the same goal

if it helps though i don’t think five would ever actually kill Vanya even if he did okay the plan like look the boy could have jumped behind vanya himself and snapped her neck like did you WATCH the fight scene in Griddy’s holy shit but he does Not do that because he doesn’t want his sister to die and he especially doesn’t want to be the one to kill her and that’s the tea on that

alright where was i

HMMM i dunno if there was any significance to the bigass table other that i mean,, technically there are two other family members?? There’s Grace and Pogo if you count them, but i mean otherwise I think it’s just a feature of a mansion to have a bigass dining room table that can’t possibly fit the entire family

so maybe it was a statement about Reginald not considering Grace and Pogo to be members of the family and excluding them

or maybe it’s just a rich people table lmao

but i really enjoyed all your thoughts and observations 10/10 feels free to yell at me again ;3c

I will admit that i’m a bit of sham because i’ve only seen the series like,, one and a half times?? like once all the way through and then watching the first few episodes again and then jumping around the random points to fact check or other things oops but i do plan on rewatching sometime when i actually have free time to spare!! only a few weeks until the end of the school year oof

#ask me #embersofstardust #far tua long #tua #the umbrella academy #luther hargreeves #allison hargreeves #diego hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #number five #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #reginald hargreeves #tua spoilers

[xoxoemynn]

Oh my God!! You danced with Randy??! That's like... more than a dream?? I'm so jealous rn XD Some more details please :D :D

Okay, that statement is so true because it was honestly the most magnificent blur that it genuinely does feel like a dream...so much so that I had to ask my friend who was sitting next to me to confirm my memories and also fill me in on what happened when I was dancing in a daze, so some of this is from me, and some of it is from her, haha. 

Putting behind a cut because it got a bit long and normally I don’t make a big fuss asking people to please read but PLEASE READ THIS AND SQUEE WITH ME OKAY IT WAS HONESTLY ONE OF THE MOST SURREAL AND WONDERFUL MOMENTS OF MY LIFE AND I WANT TO SHARE IT WITH ALL OF YOU.

First off, we were CLOSE to the stage. As in, imagine the front row. Good. Now imagine a random row of chairs IN FRONT of that front row. That’s where we were. When we saw the show on Friday night we were front row center, but on Sunday we were off to the left. It was incredible. I actually preferred our Sunday seats, because when you’re that close and up center, especially during Cabaret...literally, all I could think of was the line from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend when Rebecca does her pole dance and White Josh says “I think I saw inside of her.” Yeah. You see everythinggggg. I mean, it has its appeal, but then you also have the very real fear that Randy’s thrusts will put your eye out, haha. But our Sunday night seats allowed us to see everything RIGHT up close, but a little less in your face. There were definitely moments when I felt like Randy was looking RIGHT at me (especially at one point in the show where he holds his thumb and forefinger in a circle and thrusts his index finger inside of it, it took ALL my willpower to meet his gaze head on, hahaha) but I chalked it up to the Power of the Performer Connecting with the Audience. However, my friend said she definitely thought he was “flirting” with me from the stage, and the people behind us asked if we knew him because they had noticed it as well. 

So for those of you who haven’t seen the show, Randy as the Emcee comes out in a dressing gown as they transition to the second act for “audience participation time.” He always makes a few jokes about if everybody’s gotten a drink/had a tinkle, and then he finds one lady and one gentleman to dance with. He always basically has the same routine, but it’s fun to see how the people he picks react, so I always love it. So, as always, he said “hello, lovelies! It’s audience participation time. I need a partner. Hmmm....” and then walked RIGHT up to me. Except this time he walks off the stage and comes RIGHT for me. I kind of thought it might be a possibility just given how close we were to the stage, but seeing Randy Harrison, especially made up as the Emcee, just WALK RIGHT UP TO YOU and HOLD OUT HIS HAND is surreal, to say the least. And then he said “How about you? Come dance with me?” And who am I to deny him anything? Haha.

So he leads me out toward the aisle and says “what is your name, beautiful?” So I tell him Emy (well, actually I tell him my real name, but for the sake of this story, LOL), and turns to the audience and says “Emy! Welcome Emy!” and as they cheer we begin to dance. We get a few steps in and he says “you’re a very good dancer!” so naturally, being a polite lady, I thank him. He asks if I had been to the Kit Kat Klub before, and I say a few times, and he says, “ohhhh, a woman with experience! You’re a glutton for punishment.” Then he says “You’re not from Berlin, are you?” I say no, I was not. He then asks me if I had any German in me. And I knew this was coming and I could have said something far more clever but honestly at this point I was so distracted by his stage makeup (SERIOUSLY the eyelashes especially were SO jarring to me, like those plastic Halloween spiders on his face, haha, and also there was SO MUCH GLITTER) and also just the fact that I was dancing with Randy Harrison, that I was holding his one hand and his other hand was on my waist, was just...exceptionally mindblowing, haha. So I was just truthful and say “a little bit,” and he says “ooooh, would you like some more?” Much laughter and applause. I apparently gave him a look with a smirk/raised eyebrow that was like “oh, naughty, naughty.” Then he said “spin for me?” and raised his arm so I could give a little spin. Here I feel obligated to point out my outfit for the evening, since I’m told it had a dramatic effect, hahaha. I was wearing fake leather leggings and a burgundy blouse that has kind of bell sleeves that billow out a bit like wings when I raise my arms. Apparently it was quite lovely to watch when I did my spin, and complemented the Emcee’s look nicely, hahaha. Then he said “thank you, gorgeous,” and then told the audience to applaud for “the beautiful Emy!” Since this was probably the only time I’d ever have an entire opera house applauding for me, I decided to do an exaggerated curtsy as he also took his bow, and I am told once again my flowy sleeves looked really cool, hahaha. Then as he led me back to my seat by the hand he said “such talent! I don’t often get to see that at the Klub!” And then I took my seat and he WINKED at me, and as my heart slowly started to return to its normal tempo, he went off to find his next victim...I mean, dance partner. *g* Oh, and then after he danced with the man (whose name was Todd and who I didn’t think appreciated the honor as much as he should, lmao) he went back up on stage and said “And now, ladies and gentlemen, Emy, Todd, presenting the Kit Kat Klub Band!” and went back off to change for his next number. That’s a little thing, but I don’t have a super common name (hence a big reason why I don’t use it on this blog), so ngl, it gave me a bit of a thrill to hear Randy literally shout it a few times. 

Honestly, not to sound like a total fangirl, but it was one of the more surreal and incredible moments of my life. I really thought I was over my starstruck phase as far as Randy is concerned, but he’s just so charming as the Emcee that it’s so easy to get swept away. And even though I knew exactly what questions he was going to ask me, it was so hard to think of anything witty or clever on the spot because he’s just LOOKING AT YOU like you’re the most fascinating, graceful person on the planet. And honestly, no matter what way you look at it, you’re lost. If you’re just thinking about him as the Emcee, it’s this charismatic, charming man who’s also quite the graceful dancer lauding you with compliments as he sweeps you off your feet. But then if you think of it is Randy, it’s just like...omfg, at this exact moment I am DANCING with this man I’ve seen on TV countless times and he is TOUCHING me right now and EVERYBODY IS WATCHING THIS HAPPEN WHY CAN’T I HAVE AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE AND WATCH THIS HAPPEN AS WELL AND WHY IS PHOTOGRAPHY NOT ALLOWED IN THIS THEATER?!?! And also, I don’t care if all his compliments were said in character, I am taking it as the gospel truth that Randy Harrison thinks I’m beautiful and gorgeous and talented, LMAO. 

So......that’s basically it. Like I said, if you’ve seen the show, our dance wasn’t all that different from what he’s done with other women, but it’s definitely a memory I’ll cherish forever and honestly, it was worth every canceled flight and excessive hours on the train while sick and trekking through the snow as the wind turned my face bright red hahaha. 10/10, do recommend, would dance again. 

#this is long but honestly I wanted to put in as many details as I could #bc it's already such a blur and I really do want to SEAR it into my memory #thank god my friend was beside me to help fill in the blanks hahaha #Randy Harrison #Cabaret #chats with emy #I AM...OVERWHELMED #Anonymous