#because I've been so ashamed of all of this stuff for 20+ years that the thought of talking about it with a person I have to look at and wh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starberry-cupcake · 12 days

Text

After a weekend that exhausted me, I am finally able to come back to this book. My reacts proved useful to remind me where I left of, who would have thought.

previously, on harrowberry the ninth:

this happened

also, harrowberry is courtesy of @lady-harrowhark

after which I suggested the following album cover as a representation of her

currently, chapters 14-16:

"The Mithraeum, the seat of the First Reborn! The Sanctuary of the Emperor of the Nine Houses, the bolthole of God"

I don't want to sound like gideon

I really don't

but I have to be entirely honest here

I read that sentence twice, at separate times

and neither of those times did I read "bolthole"

MOVING ON

harrowberry is settled in a room which was made for a lyctor that never was

I don't know if this is at all important but it caught my eye

I wonder what happened there

and I am, as we have established, fixating on very particular things

the emperor johnny bravo has a room that's described as a locked tomb, but harrow says that, unlike the other locked tomb, she's not interested to see what's in this one

on the one hand, I want to know what this guy's actually doing but, on the other, I don't care about what's going on in his intimacy

harrow is also surprised that he gets embarrassed

which I don't, because he should be embarrassed and ashamed about all of the stuff that is going on in general

I don't know specifics and I don't know details, but I know he's at fault

like we say over here, I've got no evidence but I've got no doubt

he tells harrowbean about the BOE

he says they hate the nine houses and that they have agents who turn planets against them

they got themselves a leader about 25 years before harrow was born, who made things more difficult for johnny man

let's bring back the timeline I'm constantly discarding and bringing back

we've been told now that: this leader showed up 25 years before harrow was born, they disappeared nearly 20 years ago and gideon was born 18 years ago in space to a mom who was brain dead upon arriving at ninth

there's also the whole eggs thing that idk if it has something to do with this or not but we're not totally throwing anything away here

we've moved from a cork board to a 3d model at this point

emperor johnny boo is blaming these people for not!dulcinea going ballistic

idk johnny man, you kind of fucked that up on your own I think, but go off, I guess

he also says that the BOE folks hate necromancers and necromancy

I don't wanna be making assumptions with little to no info (literally all I've been doing) but all I've seen so far is these people teaching harrow to kill planets

that's not what miss frizzle told me I should be doing when she wore the most iconic looks in television history

maybe if the emperor dressed like this I'd be trusting him more

emperor johnny also clocked harrow being a ninth kid smoothie

because harrow was doing theorems in the river and only one other person ever did that before

the person who founded the sixth

we're ok with the sixth because camilla came from there

when harrow starts telling him the smoothie story, the emperor says "This was...all so different...before we discovered the scientific principles" and proceeds to tell her that her parents basically did a mini resurrection

he says "I have committed the same act, and I know the price I had to pay" and calls her "a walking miracle"

to which harrow responds "I have just told you that I am the product of my parents' genocide"

emperor, my man

he says "nobody has to know" about the kid smoothie

there sure are a lot of things people aren't supposed to know or ask about over here in the emperor's bolthole

*me, high fiving gideon's force ghost*

he says the initials of BOE mean "blood of eden" and that Eden is "someone they left to die"

then he quotes shakespeare??? I think king lear???

“How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is To have a thankless child”, that quote

I'm not super knowledgeable when it comes to shakespeare tbh but...ominous

he also says "once you turn your back on something, you have no more right to act as though you own it"

and harrow thinks "at the time, that had made perfect sense to you"

that's pinned under the "hope for later" category

NEXT CHAPTER

harrow talks to ice cube barbie in her dreams

ice cube barbie says she's died twice

THEN, AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT

harrow asks her if she has ortus's eyes or if her eyes are hers and what her eyes are like

and ice cube barbie says "she asked me not to tell you"

this is me, adding another thing to the "hopeful hints for gideon" shrine I am building

chapter 16

harrow asks yandere twin about her diary and she says it has been burned on her own orders

more hints for my theory of past!harrow knowing a lot and planning ahead

harrowcita calls lyctortus (name suggested by the reply gang, thank you reply gang) "the other one"

which could be "other" as in "other lyctor" or as in "other ortus", so it's fine either way

harrow is worried about not!dulcinea still being a threat

AREN'T WE ALL

I SURE AM, ALWAYS

she should have been flushed into space

harrow thinks not!dulcinea is moving and yandere twin calls her "crazycakes"

then we start going a bit more in depth about augustine

I have come to understand that he isn't called "saint of patience" because he's patient

he's called "saint of patience" because that's what you have to practice when you're around him

good god, this man

he has the charisma of the fifth but the disagreeable nature of the eighth

here I am, making judgment on these people I only know like 2 representatives of, but anyway

he's like if magnus hadn't discovered a passion for baking and had instead decided his hobby was to be passive aggressive and thinking too highly of himself

his cav was his brother, apparently

harrow thinks he's hollow inside

he is absolutely horrendous to mercygirl

BUT, MOST IMPORTANTLY

he also alludes to not!dulcinea moving and thinks mercygirl is doing it

I don't know about this, you guys

two mulders in one recap is what you get when I have been forced to not read for a couple days

I think fox mulder represents my energy in these recaps

Augustine The Unpleasant mentions that johnny j has "spent the last 10 thousand years on a perpetual search-and-destroy mission out of, as far as I can tell, purely symbolic retribution"

great, that sounds fantastic for god to do

and that "I wouldn't set myself up as his replacement A.L. He doesn't need another bodyguard, and even she was significantly more lucid than you are" (you being mercygirl)

I had mentioned the possibility of ice cube barbie being this AL person, we still don't know, but this AL is "she"

let's put that in the 3D model

augustine calls chad a "nice boy", which tracks for him being a Senior Chad

he treats harrow badly, which we absolutely don't stan over here in the harrow respect corner

harrow obliterates him with a comeback and he calls her Anastasia (You were born in a palace by the sea / A palace by the sea? Could it be?) like the previous ninth

these people love comparing their old pals to everyone they meet, even if they supposedly didn't get along much

harrow also makes fun of yandere twin for being what gideon would call "a weenie" over augustine

then we get the augustine and johnny explanation of how to kill the beast

I am all for information but this whole thing gives me the worst vibes

basically he says the beasts (disrespectful name) eat planets like oysters and then keep the thanergy as armor

the beast can inhabit anything it's thanergetically connected to it via their death

like that which they kill

they travel as river projections

they have agents, which he describes like the borg in star trek

individual forms connected to its hive

the whole lyctor thing, having a necromancer's ability with a cav's training to take over the body, seems to be a key to fighting these things

because the necro part goes down into the river to do the thing and the cav can take over the defense of the body

this, I think, could be what we saw harrow doing in the prologue, the projection thing

but harrow's body isn't protected, because she's "lyctor lite"

because there's hope for gideon or so help me john

which might be why yandere twin was telling her she would not be guarded if she did what she was about to do

I am very intrigued as to what harrow will come to know to push her to do what she did

also, she got stabbed, so I'd like to know if she's fine

but we have 0 guarantees of anything over here in the mithrandir or whatever

the emperor's bolthole

god, what has gideon done to me

they say the point of the combat is to throw the beast's soul into the abyss and hope it doesn't come back

that's what I've been trying to do with not!dulcinea all this time

ALSO still no camilla

see you next time and thank you for not hating the length of these things ♥

#luly reacts to tlt #harrow the ninth #harrow the ninth spoilers #tlt spoilers #the locked tomb #long post #gif cw

95 notes · View notes

rithmeres · 5 months

Text

yes, the plans that i could not share with you (because the haters would sabotage me) were that i was taking on LACC in my vash getup :)

i have so few pictures of myself but i got so many compliments (especially on my arm) and plenty of other people took pictures of me. and normally i don't like attention but i will be honest with u. under these circumstances i loved it. my arm held up really well through 8 hours on the convention floor and i have never been prouder of anything i've made. it's articulated incredibly well, no part of it gave out or required repair, it's never uncomfortable or a nuisance to wear, and i have enough range of motion to do relatively complex things like tying my shoes.

originally i was not planning to try to meet anyone famous because 1) it's expensive and 2) the lines are long and 3) i feel weird and annoying approaching literally anyone for any reason BUT. the spot where i met up with my sister just happened to be right next to johnny yong bosch's table. right when he started signing things. so i said LOL ok i'll do it.

it was super chill, i asked him how it felt to get the call that they wanted him to come back 20 years later for a trigun reboot and he said it almost didn't happen -- that since they recast everyone else for stampede they considered recasting vash as well (and i said WOW i'm so glad they didn't) and he said he really enjoyed getting to come back and explore a darker take (i forget if what he said was a darker take on vash's character, or just a darker trigun in general) but it was briefly surprising 2 me that he considered stampede to be a darker version but i get it, especially when u consider that there is not a lot of comedy in those 12 episodes to balance out the grief.

ANYWAY he was impressed with my arm and i asked him if he would sign my coat :) so he signed the lining but he was also like u know what, i'm gonna give you a second autograph just because. so he signed a print for me as well (free of charge!!) and the print with the blue signature matches my famous paintings that i always film in front of (that's providence baybee)

other stuff from the con under the cut

cosplay notes:

i saw 3 other vash cosplayers (a 98 vash, a stampede vash, and a purple coat vash) and no shade but i definitely had the best arm build. peace and love to all of them though

i saw 1 1/2 wolfwoods. 1 was the aforementioned mullet wolfwood from yesterday's post (ww if you’re out there ww) and the 1/2 was the 98 vash cosplayer’s gf in some kind of goth-ish dress and she was carrying a punisher

mullet wolfwood if you're out there i regret not getting a picture with you so much. i am deeply ashamed and i have no excuse because i ran into you twice and both times i was too embarrassed to ask for a picture. i just want you to know that your punisher was swag and your earrings were yolo and we would look very good together

i expected to see a lot more trigun tbh. los angeles where u at. 4 vashies at a convention of 120,000+ people is nothing. one guy even walked up to me like wow i love ur vash, i haven't seen a lot of trigun at this con and i was like I KNOW i thought i'd see a lot more

theeeee costume of all time award goes to the cad bane cosplayer i saw on the balcony. spare hand in marriage dude (gn) you looked so good

second place for costume of all time goes to the other mother cosplayer who had button eyes and these crazy finger appendages and never once broke character even while waiting in lines

i took 100 points of psychic damage from this one guy who (and im not kidding) was at least 6’4’’ and wearing platform boots and was dressed as the mfing onceler. with the stupid top hat he was fr 7+ feet tall (i saw him duck to get through a doorway).

someone was there as the brawny paper towel guy?? just walking around in a beard and flannel carrying a pack of paper towel rolls?? go off king

i saw 5 nightwing cosplayers but only 2 were biblically accurate (had ass)

the nanami sweep at this convention was so real u all SHOWED UP. and everybody ate. i saw at least 12 nanamis and not one of them was a flop.

i have never seen so many spider-mans in my life

other things:

fig. 1: this extremely hot captain america on a very large poster was about 2 make me act unwise. hi gorjus................................. nice eyebrows

fig 2: i saw this sign a couple blocks away from the con and i did a triple take. 🔥🔥🔥TRIMAX MENTIONED🔥🔥🔥

fig. 3: i saw all 4 hobbits in panel and can confirm elijah wood’s laugh is ten times more infectious in real life. before they were even done sitting down, dominic monaghan switched around all of their name cards so that none of them were seated behind the right name. as u might imagine much of the panel's content was reminiscing about LOTR, but i heard some stories that i hadn't heard before. they also talked about video games, other projects they are working/have worked on, how their kids feel about their dads' LOTR roles, how much they love ian mckellen, and how they would love to see something happen for the 20th anniversary of ROTK this year. sean astin (the legend) took shots at the stranger things writers (basically said joyce could never be happy with hopper) AND EVERYONE CLAPPED LOL. billy and dom talked about the best food in NZ, their show billy and dom eat the world, and the unfortunate events that led to the friendship onion's hiatus. it was a ton of fun to just watch them be themselves with each other, you can tell that these guys are all so fond of each other and love each other so much.

and finally, fig. 4: i bought these beautiful prints from @/batinyourbelfry and the skeletal washi tape from @/skeletalacademia (both on IG)

#this post is all over the place but i want u all to experience this with me. baby's first convention #i didn't hate it like i thought i might but i am absolutely WIPED and will b perfectly content to not go to another con for several years #lacc #los angeles comic con #it's so funny walking around and just hearing someone go VASH and literally being like. who said that.#like there are 5 million people in this corridor. where are u so i can acknowledge you #my immediate defense mechanism is to toss up a peace sign so it's very convenient that it is something in character for vash #my favorite compliment was this one guy who was just like 'THAT'S FUCKIN SICK' from across the aisle and i was like 'YEAH!!!!'#long post #ackchewally the more i think about it. i do think sometimes people mischaracterize stampede as lighter than the other triguns #simply because the characters look more baby than their other counterparts #even though many elements of stampede are. truly so dark.#like we are not at manga-level-dark yet but HOO BOY i have no doubt we will get there #i'm dying to see what other horrors orange is cooking bc i KNOW they're cooking awful manga things (laudatory)#hot single dads in your area #my cosplay #this post has taken me hours to write. im so sick of it at this point begone from my sight i hate u

28 notes · View notes

unforth · 1 year

Text

I've been trying for ages to figure out how to put something into words about The Youth In Fandom and I still don't think I've quite got it but I did reach an insight about it that I think is valuable enough that I'm gonna take a stab at writing it.

For starters, I want to make it clear, there is no "The Youth In Fandom Problem." Based on my efforts running the art sideblogs for danmei fandoms, I can say with a fair degree of confidence that a vast minority of people of all ages are antis, purity wankers, pro-censorship, ageist, etc. Even among people who mark their bios with their age, it's a shockingly low percentage of people under 18 who are being super weird about this stuff, and I think that's something a lot of older folks bemoaning The Younger Generation could stand to know and be reminded of. This isn't a majority, it's just a vocal minority, and tbh...that vocal minority has always been there, at least in my own fandom experiences.

That said, I've personally been the target of "y r u in fandom, old woman? Go take care of your kids!" bullshit, and yes it's definitely real and yes it definitely happens. (I am not old, I am not a woman, I was here before the people who said that to me were born, and I spend all the rest of my time taking care of my kids, so...).

All that introduction is to posit a theory:

The kinds of people who say "you should grow out of it, you're too old for fandom, etc." don't actually really...like what they like.

I know that sounds batshit. They're here blogging about it 24/7, of course they're obsessed! But I really genuinely find myself wondering...like...are they actually obsessed? Or are they just performing obsessed because that's what their peer group is doing? Are they just following along with their friends, mimicking their friends' enthusiasm, going with the flow because they're scared of what will happen if they say "actually I didn't think that show was very good"?

I ended up with this as a theory to posit because is to arrive at "you should grow out of it," you have to start with "I will grow out of it." And to get to "I will grow out of it," you have to start with "I may be into this now but I will definitely Change." And to get to "I will definitely Change," you have to start with the base assumption that loving certain types of media isn't just part of who you are, but rather a temporary persona you've assumed overlaying some deeper Self that will be revealed with time - or that's already been revealed and that you're deliberately masking for whatever reason.

Lemme put it less abstractly (but more longwindedly, lmao).

When I was 16, I was fucking terrified. There were all these things I loved - Star Trek, Hercules and Xena, Babylon 5, Slayers, Evangelion, Fushigi Yuugi, the Wheel of Time, many others - some I'd been into for years, some I'd only just discovered. And I looked at the adults in the world around me, who didn't sleep with stuffed toys, who got into long-term romantic and sexual relationships, who settled into careers that they stuck with for 20, 30, 40 years, who had heaps of responsibilities, and it was so frightening I literally had trouble sleeping at night. My senior year of high school, I trained myself to sleep with a pillow instead of a stuffie because "what would people in college think if they saw me snuggling a stuffed wolf?" That was something I was prepared to sacrifice to be An Adult (tm), something I was (irrationally) ashamed of, something that wasn't so much a part of my personhood that I couldn't give it up. When I left home to go to school at 17, I left my wolf at home. (I brought him with me a year later, and he's now on my bookshelf. Less disposable than 16-year-old me thought, as it turns out, but that's another story.) But there were things about myself I wasn't prepared to sacrifice to fit in during college. I still wore my Star Wars shirt. I still hung my anime posters. I still listened to J Pop. My roommate might judge me. My classmates might judge me. My professors might judge me. I didn't care. Loving those were part of who I was, and I wasn't prepared to give that up.

I found solace by looking at the adults in my life who hadn't had to give up their "childish fancies." I looked at my mother, who introduced me to Star Trek, and thought if she didn't have to stop loving Star Trek to be An Adult, then why should I? I looked at my grandfather, on whose bookshelves I first found the Lord of the Rings, and thought if he didn't have to give up LotR to be An Adult, then why should I? They might not wear fandom shirts, they might not go to conventions, they might not engage in the same way that I did, but they still loved these things, and it gave me hope.

When I was saw adults who still did fan things, who dressed how they wanted, who had cool hair styles or colors, who had tattoos, I thought "wow, what a cool person. I hope I get to grow up to be like them. I hope I'll be that comfortable in my own skin when I'm that age, because I'm sure not that comfortable in my own skin NOW."

I'll have to change in some ways - find A Career, figure out this "attraction" thing everyone keeps fucking talking about, buy a house, all the rest - but I'll be able to love the things I love.

I will still be "me" when I'm an adult, just Me-Plus-More.

I wanted to grow up to be that adult. I was prepared to take figurative arrows, to fight, to slog through, to retain the part of me that felt most valuable - my ability to love the things I loved without apologizing for it. And I knew I could do that, because I already had. Man, the shit people gave me in middle school for being an out-and-proud Trekkie? smh. It was baaaaad.

Time passes. Now I'm 40, and yes, I have changed. I've had more than one career. I got married. I figured out I never did have to figure out that "attraction" shit because I learned asexuality existed and. uh. Oh. I had children. I bought a house.

And I still have a bookcase of manga and I still have a Tumblr blog and I've found new fandoms - many, many new fandoms - nearly all for franchises that didn't even exist when I was 16 and so so scared that I used to literally break down and cry over the prospect of "having" to "give up childish things."

I got myself through on the belief that I'd still be me, and I was right. More than 20 years later, I AM still me.

And that's what leads me back to "why do The Youth think they'll age out of fandom?" And it leads me back to "I can only assume their fandom participation is mostly performative." Because look. This is who I was when I was 10 and read Lord of the Rings, and it was who I was when I was 12 and I started watching Star Trek when Voyager debuted, and it's who I was when I was 17 and I pulled an all-nighter to watch the second season of Fushigi Yuugi, and it's who I was when I was 21 and spent my birthday totally sober and gaming with my friends, and it's who I was at 26 when I got buried up to my eyeballs in Supernatural, and it's who I was at 37 when I watched The Untamed and knew as easy as breathing oh my god I've found the next obsession.

If it's an embraced, realized, adored part of your persona, there's absolutely no reason to think it's going to go away. And there's no reason nor need for it to. There are always gonna be people who judge others for having passions, and there are always gonna be people who embrace others for having passions, and you just gotta identify and avoid the former and find and adore the latter. If you're young, and you love fandom, and you're afraid you, too, will "have to" give up childish things...congratulations! You've got nothing to be afraid of! You never have to change that aspect of yourself!

But...I know these teens on Tumblr who are bullying others already know that because they can see us everywhere. And instead of going, as I did, "oh wow, those older people who still love the things they love are cool! how reassuring! I can be like them!" they think "EW OLD PERSON NOT ALLOWED THIS IS MY ROOM DO NOT ENTER."

And that's weird. When I try to think, "What kind of mentality would lead someone to feel that way, act that way, etc.?" I arrive at: being in fandom is something that they're embarrassed about. Something they're ashamed of, that they think is shameful. Something childish and therefore only for kids, even when the media they're a fan of is entirely made for and by adults. Something they think is made for them in that moment but that they'll be able to easily discard when they move on to more important parts of their lives. Something they know in their heart is transient. Something they're just doing because their friends are doing it.

That's when they'd think "why would an adult still do this?"

When it's something you "know" will be "just a phase," you don it like you don the identity of "high school student," something that'll get shucked a minute after graduation.

And while I found the idea of giving up fandom terrifying, I again can only assume that for these type of person, NOT giving up fandom becomes something terrifying. "Of course this is transient. Of course I'm going to change. I can't wait to change, I hate who I am now! Why did these so-called adults not change? Changing to not like this kind of thing is a sign of Maturity and Adulthood that I am eagerly waiting for, because I believe there's something wrong with being this way, and therefore I assume the adults I see doing this are immature, have something wrong with them, are childish, cannot be Doing Adulthood Right, because they didn't give up the thing."

"I know, in my heart, that I can't WAIT to change, so if they don't want to change, if they haven't changed, something must be wrong with them."

And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is the only reason. People are way too complex for there ever to be One Explanation Of All. I'm sure some of the teens who engage in ageist bullying just think they're ~cool~ and ~different~ and their name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Others are just uncomfortable with adults, with or without cause, and think "you don't belong in the same space as me." Some surely have drank the conservative kool-aid even as they've tried to change and are pantomiming the bullshit they were fed by those around them in new and unpleasant ways. Some think "this media was made for people like me and anyone who isn't like me can't possibly be engaging it in the Correct And Proper Way."

Some will grow out of it - out of fandom, or out of thinking that being an adult in fandom is wrong/bad/inappropriate/immature/whatever.

A few especially unpleasant ones...won't.

Unlike young!me, who looked at fannish grown ups and thought "wow, I could grow up to be like them, they're so cool!", you think "ew, I hope I don't grow up to be like them, they're so weird!"

And if that's you...why are you here?

If you don't actually like who are you when you're in fandom, that's okay. You don't have to stay. If you lose your friends because your interests change, then those friends stink and you didn't need them anyway; people who actually care about you will always keep by your side even if your interests and theirs diverge. But just cause YOU are performing your interest in fandom...doesn't mean the rest of us are. Some of us genuinely like it here. And you might think that's fucked up of us, but it's honestly none of your fucking business. You do what you gotta do to grow up, and leave the rest of us already-grown-ups alone.

And if you do genuinely love it and you're just scared because you think you'll have to change - that you'll reach some mystical age of majority and suddenly wake up a different person...you won't. For better and for worse, you'll still be you, so if there's things about yourself you don't like, it'd be better to start working on unpacking that psychological baggage now, because there's never gonna be a miracle point where you Feel Better And Like An Adult unless you put in the effort to change.

Teenagers...you will not grow up to be a new person. You will never give up who you are. You will grow up to be You-Plus-More.

And if that's something you hear and go "omg that's great news!" then I'm glad to be the one who told you. Take heart. There's hope. You can be you and that WILL be okay. You can face up to and grow from the things about yourself you don't like. You can learn more about yourself. You have time, and you will be able to improve yourself, to become more like the parts of yourself you like and less like the parts you hate.

And if that's something you hear and go "oh god no that's the worst" then you need to stare that reaction in the face and understand that the only way change is coming is if you make it happen for yourself. No one is strong-arming you into being a fan. If it's not for you...then stop. It's literally that easy. But don't take out your uncertainty and fear on other random people who are more comfortable with themselves than you are. Most of us are not here because of fear. We're here in the face of our fear, as a fuck you to our fear, because we also grew up being told we'd have to give up so-called childish things to be An Adult, and it turns out that was a pile of bullshit and we can have careers AND anime posters. And we can afford more anime posters, cause our parents are no longer telling us how to spend our money.

If your participation in fandom is primarily performative...just stop performing. Be yourself, and find your OWN passion, and stop shitting on the people who have managed to be more true to themselves and their own interests. You're not cool and edgy and different; you're just an asshole and a bully, and I pity you.

Anyway as you can tell from this rambly mess of a post, I haven't really gotten my finger on my point yet, but idk. I've been thinking about this and I think there's something there???

#unforth rambles #drama #hopefully now that I've written this I can finally get it out of my head #my posts like this pretty much always flop but that's okay #if it helped me think things out for myself #about why some people are Like That #then its job is done #anyway I wrote this post in between helping my daughter get dressed #and getting my son on the bus #and making tea #and straightening up the living room #and now i gotta start work in three minutes #the big difference between teen me and adult me is that now I have to fit the fanning into these miniscule windows of time #between all the More Important Things That Need Done #it's tiring but it's worth it

129 notes · View notes

maikissed · 1 year

Text

the way you come to me at night III

Richarlison x reader

part I part II

I've litteraly made this into a messy multi-chapter story because I have like a thousand ideas and they're better than finishing it lol.

+18

- One year ago -

“Yeah, I can easily beat you at this” he frowned mockingly at Emerson before catching the basketball ball “Won’t give you a head start just because it’s your birthday”

His friend laughed at his comment, getting ready for their little bet, before a small group of people surrounded them out of nowhere. Richarlison staggered as somebody thrown his hand around his shoulders in a harsh manner.

“Yo, y/n is clearly enjoying the party” Marc laughed amused, pointing with his head in the direction of the grand salon.

He needed a moment to spot his friend and his eyes widened slightly when he realised she’s been the one dancing on the big table in the middle of the room. A large group of people around the table was clapping, chanting and whistling, apparently delighted with the little show she’s been putting on. He wondered if she had more than just a couple drinks, seeing as she was rather a timid person, not the one to be the centre of that kind of attention.

“Didn’t know she could move like that” Marc patted his shoulder blade with his hand and he send him a sharp disapproving look before heading in the direction of the enthusiastic gathering, pushing a few people out of the way to get closer.

Even he didn’t know that she could move like that as he watched her swaying her hips to the sides with her hands loosely up, completely absorbed by the heavy tunes of the rap song playing loudly. Good thing she wasn’t wearing a skirt.

“Hey, pretty girl!” he shouted to get her attention and she stopped, sending him a big smile as she finally spotted who called out to her “How about you get down now, huh?”

“Rich! I’ve been looking for you!” she gushed excitedly, reaching out to place her hands on his shoulders.

He grabbed her hips then firmly, helping her getting down. She giggled sweetly and huffed out of breath as he carefully placed her on the floor.

“I can see you’re having fun” he said sneaking his hand around her waist to keep her steady and she hugged him tightly, standing on her tiptoes.

She looked exhausted in fact, so he noted that she haven’t taken anything more than just a few way too strong drinks.

“Yes, but I’m tired” she muttered “Can you take me home?”

He nodded taking her hand in his.

As soon as they entered the cab she rested her head on his shoulder and started telling him a quite long and messy story about someone spilling a drink on somebody three times in only ten minutes, quickly switching the subject to how she won 20 pounds on arm wrestling bet with some guy. He just left for her 40 minutes and she managed to involve herself in some hazardous initiatives and danced on the table in front of everyone. He shook his head with an amused smirk on, listening to her unexpected stories very attentively. He wondered how much of all this will she remember in the morning and how long will she be whining about how ashamed of herself she was.

She jumped out of the cab as soon as they arrived at the residential and he quickly grabbed her stuff, trying to persuade the driver to wait for him so he can drive back to his place.

“Could you please wait here for a few minutes? I’ll be back shortly, I’ll pay extra for your time” he closed the door before the man could even differ with him.

“You wanna tuck me in in my bed?” she snickered when they entered the lift.

“I’m making sure that you end up in your bed” he countered laughing slightly at her dazed state.

Her eyes glinted with the alcohol haze, pupils dilated widely almost covering the whole iris as she bit her lip trying to hold back a smile. His eyes followed down her neck, wandering around her bare shoulders and chest, her skin glowed admirably and he scolded himself in his thoughts for looking at her like that. He turned his head rapidly when the doors of the lift opened.

“Thank you” she smiled lazily at him when he used her keys to let them in to her flat and he snorted lightly, still amused with her carefree exploits of this night.

“Alright, let’s get you to bed” he sighed entering the kitchen to take a bottle of water, following her into her bedroom shortly after.

“Do you think Emerson liked the gift?” she called from the bathroom as he sat on the small sofa placed opposite the bed.

“Yeah, he likes his shiny things”

He threw away the man’s jacket that hanged loosely over the armrest of the seat to the other side and exhaled heavily, taking a longer look at the garment. He wiped his face with his hand trying not to give it too much thought right now.

“Good, I hope he does”

He raised his head in the direction her soft voice came from, spotting her standing in the doorframe, wiping her face with a small towel, dressed in a little, sheer nightdress. She never felt too intimidated or discomfited with him owing that they quickly became truly comfortable with each other but the sight in front of his eyes in this moment stupefied him as he took in her whole appearance. Her attire was definitely intended for her boyfriend’s attention only and he shuddered thinking back to that damn jacket hanging from the couch on his left. His hand clenched into a fist on reflex after she disappeared in the bathroom again. He wondered if his uber left already.

“God my head is still spinning” he heard her complain before she turned off the light in the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

He fought to look directly at her face.

“Why don’t you stay the night?” she asked softly out of nowhere, clasping her hands behind her back.

His heart beat faster and he stood up quickly, heading into the bed, grabbing the bedding to pull it back for her to lay down so he didn’t have to look at her so unveiled in front of him. She sent him a playful smirk and sat down, letting him cover her.

“Your couch is very uncomfortable”

“You can sleep with me” she offered quietly, sending him another coy smile.

“I don’t think your boyfriend would like that” he sat down on the edge, placing the water on the nightstand.

“He’s in a different country” she shrugged watching him intensively.

“That’s still wrong” he concluded “He hates me already”

“I hate sleeping alone” she pouted rising up, moving closer to where he sat, placing her chin on his shoulder “Please?” she whispered leaning back, the cover slipped from her body and he gave in to temptation to take a quick glance down.

His head was spinning, the dress was almost see-through and he brought his eyes back up the moment he found himself staring at her protruding nipples.

She was drunk and all of this was utterly wrong. He should leave and let her sleep to sober up. He didn’t like the direction his thoughts were going.

But she appeared closer when he looked back at her face. She placed her hand very gently on top of his knee, as if to not scare him, and exhaled shakily. Her warm breath fanned over his face and he looked down at her beautiful, full lips, feeling himself growing weaker due to her closeness. She smelled sweet, like vanilla and candy and he closed his eyes, letting her get over all of his senses. He furrowed his brows and swallowed hard craving to touch her, claim her, make her all hot and bothered until she couldn’t even think straight. And he wouldn’t even fuck her properly yet. There were so many things he wanted do to her. But it was primal and wicked.

All of a sudden she closed the last distance between them and their lips touched delicately. He tensed, not really knowing what to do. She placed a soft kiss on his mouth and just like that he decided to let her take all control over him. She sensed him giving up and tilted her head to kiss him more firmly and he could feel himself growing more aroused. He was unbelievably hard already. She kept kissing him, not too ferociously but slowly and gently, very tantalizingly and he was loosing himself in her. Her hand still placed on his knee twitched slightly and he sighed at the pleasantly tingling feeling of her palm mildly roaming his thigh. But the moment she palmed him through his pants, moving her hand down and then up along his clothed shaft he went rigid and it awoken him, making him break the kiss and grasp her hand to stop her from going further.

She chased after him when he leaned back, looking at him almost pleadingly with her misty eyes, her mouth slightly ajar and lips red and swollen. Her chest was falling and rising unevenly, one strap of her nightie slipped off her shoulder and she looked so dreamy, so tempting to devour. But he would be taking advantage of her if he let it continue. So he stood up abruptly and she vaguely winced abashed and slightly disappointed.

“Sleep well, y/n” he muttered, his voice hoarse “I’ll see you tomorrow”

He didn’t want to leave her feeling rejected and regretful but it was the right thing to do. She had a boyfriend and they both weren’t in the right state of mind right now. He didn’t want them to act on something that will turn them uncomfortable or even distant the other day.

She proposed to meet for a lunch out the next day. He’s been preparing himself most of the morning for the conversation about what happened between them just a few hours ago but in fact, she didn’t even mention it at all. She acted extremely normal, like nothing happened actually, showing no real signs that it affected her the way it did him. He was trying to fathom if she didn’t really remember anything from last night, but that would be impossible since she wasn’t in a blackout state in the slightest. He should be glad, honestly, but it only made him feel more dejected.

Few days after that unforgettable night she came to him in his dreams for the first time. These tormenting visions seemed so real every single time, it made him bothered and breathless when he woke up overstimulated. He dreamed of kissing her on that bed, letting her touch him however she pleased as she whispered softly into his ear how badly she wanted him to take her. And he answered to her pleas without hesitation, undressing her from her lovely little nightdress she wore just for him, laying her down carefully on the sheets, proceeding to worship her body in the gentlest and sweetest of ways. His mind played tricks on him and he couldn’t escape it.

Two weeks later he found out during a simple conversation that she broke up with her boyfriend and it was confusing at first, since she didn’t mention it right away and most of the times she used to tell him everything. She didn’t really give him a straight answer about the reasoning behind her sudden decision. He worried that he must be the reason of the guilt she might have felt that led her to take such step. He was positive that she regretted what had happened between them, that’s why she never brought this subject up and tried to play it cool. So he tried to forget as well to make sure that their friendship won’t crack because of a momentary lapse. But it was difficult, especially since he started to see her so vivid in his dreams. At first it only happened once in a while but after she moved in with him as he proposed, the dreams intensified. The more time he spent around her, the more he fell in love with her.

#richarlison x reader #richarlison #richarlison one shot #richarlison imagine #richarlison imagines #richarlison smut #richarlison x you #richarlison x y/n #richarlison fluff #football imagine

74 notes · View notes

dissociatingdumbass · 25 days

Note

Hi! I'm so nervous to send this ask cuz I can't hide behind anon but I'ma be brave for 60 seconds and hopefully this doesn't come off rude& rambling (if so feel free to ignore all this, no pressure to reply!)

So, I was reading the tags of a post you reblogged (something about being 34 with an AO3 account being cringe or whatever) and you say you're 48? Like 48 years old? Or I'm misunderstanding? Either way my first thought was, I agree with the comment implying that 30+ adults are a large part of what keeps fandoms alive, and my second thought was holy crap! I didn't know I actually followed someone in fandom who is older than me. Maybe that's silly bc I follow soooo many people, there's no way we're all the same age, right, like duh but I just got really excited about it. It felt like an "ah ha!" moment, like the difference between knowing something like a fact you read in a book yrs ago and knowing something from living through it (if that makes sense 🫠) and I just wanted to say Hi! I'm glad you're here (you and all the older members of fandom, honestly) I'm relieved actually, and maybe that's weird and silly, too, but idk knowing you're here really helped me connect with reality a bit better. Sometimes I feel like everyone in fandom is like 19 and younger and i guess the craziness in the world & fandom combined has made me feel like I'm doing something very strange at my big age enjoying fandom where it seems like only teenagers are. This isn't shade at teenagers though, I was a teen in fandom at some point but I guess I unknowingly was convinced that after 20 these things are like kids toys and sure you can keep them but if you aren't an ~established adult~ you don't have time for fan things or at least should be quiet in those spaces bc it's like creepy otherwise??? Idk idk idk🫣 I'm rambling and this is too long, the point is Hi! If I'm misunderstanding your age, my apologies, honestly; still, this has been a much needed reality check for me and I'm so very glad you're here!! (Also you're blog is like super cool)

Hi!

I am indeed 48 years old!

I haven't been active in fandom for long because in my country (Portugal) Fandoms weren't a thing...

At least not that I was aware growing up.

I've always had my little stories in my head and I had two cousins with which I'd "trade off" daydreams and story ideas... But nothing more.

My actual contact with internet and social media was only after 2003. A whole 7 years after I was married.

By then I had already allowed my dreams to be smothered... By my ex... By society... By myself...

It took me getting a divorce in 2012 to get into Fandom as a way of escaping my own feelings of failure and inadequacy.

And you know who helped me find the courage to write?

My older son. 16 at the time...

Fandom is for everyone.

For the older generation that built it and love it.

For the younger generation being introduced to it, finding community in it, finding themselves in it...

I welcome everyone into this little corner of my world on Tumblr... I'll be here if you need me. I'll be just here, in the background when you don't.

But I'll be here.

And you know what? Don't be ashamed of loving what you love. There's no age in which you should give up on your dreams, passions and hobbies...

.... Not even your plushies and toys!

Live first and foremost for yourself. Find the joy in the little things and never allow others to shame you for your passions.

Don't let anyone kill the Childlike Wonder inside you.

I'm 48...

I write fanfic and I'm a mother.

I have a bedroom filled with Fandom stuff and I have a full time job.

I have multitudes inside my heart and soul. Just like you. Just like everyone out there.

Don't let anyone take that away from you... Ever.

#ageism in social media is a plague...#we all have the ability to dream #fandom is for all of us #fandom is supposed to be a community

6 notes · View notes

xanthippe74 · 7 months

Text

20 questions for fic writers

Thanks for tagging me, @maesterchill! I'm not sure who has done this already, but I'll tag @phdmama, @phoebe-delia, and @nv-md, if they haven't already and want to play.

I'll put a cut here, since some of my answers got a bit long.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

29 works!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

358,795 words

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Harry Potter and 9-1-1

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

(1) Vortex (soulmate AU, down & out Draco, Knockturn Alley social commentary and politics) (2) Riptide (sequel to Vortex with 2x as many words 😅) (3) A Hiss To Build a Dream On (Harry faking Parseltongue and being a pining idiot) (4) The Last of What the World Left You (sad, lonely boys on the Yorkshire moors, Animagus Draco/Master of Death Harry) (5) This Heart Shut Wide (8th year, secret relationship)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I love to say thank you, at the very least, and sometimes I want to reply to something specific that the commenter mentioned. I'm a little ashamed to say I got behind on my comments for a couple of years, and it got to the point where I was too overwhelmed to wade through the backlog. But I truly appreciate every single one, and now I'm back to replying to new comments promptly!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

The very first fic I posted, "Last Goodbye" has an unhappy ending, with Harry's feelings for Draco being unrequited.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think all of my Drarry fics besides that first one have happy endings. As for the "happiest," I'd say it's either The Last of What the World Left You (because of how far Harry and Draco both came from their isolation and misery at the beginning of the story) or Follow the Water (because that ending is unequivocally happy for everyone, with nothing bittersweet or lost).

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've had a couple weird comments, but no hate until very recently. And that was just a troll getting off on being a jerk, so I deleted their comments and didn't let it bother me in the least.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope. M-rated, blink-and-you'll-miss-it lovin' is all I can manage. I tip my hat to the smut writers out there, because I find kissing hard enough to write. (and I definitely appreciate the smutty stuff, as a reader! 😉)

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I've never written one. I'm working on a Drarry version of Howl's Moving Castle right now, but I think of it as more of a retelling than a crossover. Aside from the borrowed plot, it's pretty much the canon HP universe, except with fire demons and the moving house.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

"A Hiss To Build a Dream On" was translated into Chinese, including all the terrible reptile puns!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet! I did a round robin thing on Tumblr a few years ago, though, if memory serves.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Drarry, forever and always.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

My very first attempt at a Drarry fic, back in 2019, was supposed to be just a few scenes about Harry and Draco running into each other in the summer of 1998, the day before Draco moves to America. In 2020, I started reworking it into a non-linear, everyone's-fucked-up, hurt/comfort fic that ended with them going to America together. Still love the concept, but I'd probably have to start all over again, since it's been such long time and my writing has (hopefully) improved since then.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've been praised for my descriptions of scenery and the pacing of my stories. I think I'm pretty good at dialogue, too.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Probably spending too much time in my pov character's head, with all their emotions sloshing around. And I'm still trying to strike the right balance between efficiency and beautiful, evocative writing (something that doesn't feel either too spare or too purple prose-y, in other words).

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Personally, I've never put more than one sentence in another language. As a reader, I think I'd expect a translation for anything longer. Otherwise, I'd feel like I was missing out.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Oof, I have no idea. Don't make me choose amongst my babies! Maybe Follow the Water, because I love that world and that gang of characters. And it's probably the fic of mine that I revisit the most, as a comfort read. It's so soft and nature-focused.

#tag game #my writing

13 notes · View notes

madlad-sadgal · 2 months

Text

Intro Post

Did I just now realized I haven't made one? Yes. But here it is now!

My Blog/About Me

My blog is a safe place for practically everyone (except for TERFs, get off my page). I don't care if you're here just to look around, or if it's because you're interested in one of the things I talk about, you're welcomed here and I'll gladly talk with you about whatever it is you might want to! <3 I'm active in a few fandoms on here, mostly Nimona, though I also like RWRB, LOTR, and a bunch of other stuff.

About me, I'm bigender and mostly use he/him and she/her, though I'm comfortable with pretty much anything. I also think I'm pan, but I've kinda been doubting that recently? Eh, I'll get through it. I live in Quebec so you might catch some works written in French (I'll probably add the translations under cuts though).

Writeblr

I've been meaning to get more into Writeblr and share more about some of my writing, fanfiction and original works alike. The things I like to write most about is fantasy and also LGBTQ+ stuff. So here are two original works you might catch me talking about:

Life after Life (Undefined Title) Tag: Life After Life(:OC/Plot/Etc) This is a story of two soulmates, reincarnation, immortality and betrayal. One is immortal, while the other one is mortal. The immortal one has to watch as their lover dies, but they always get reincarnated and always manage to find each other, usually when the mortal one is around 20 years old. Except this time, it takes until the mortal is 27 years old for them to find each other, and the immortal doesn't think much of it at first, but they can't help but notice that their lover is acting differently than they did in their past lives, which isn't inherently bad, but they can't remember a single time when their personality wasn't the same at the base. But it as time keeps passing, it becomes clearer and clearer that their lover is not the same, and someone seems to know of their immortality. Someone they may have met in the past. Now they have to try and protect themselves and their lover from this person, but what can this mortal be hiding from their own soulmate? What shall they do when war and love collide? Will they forgive each other for these hidden secrets? More importantly, will they manage to stay with each other this time, or will they be forced to wait until the next life once more? (Also ending line idea: Mortal, dying: I'll see you in the next one, yeah? Immortal, crying, and holding them: And every single one that follows.)

Love is a Fantasy (Been working on this one for over a year now, the one I'll be talking about the most because this is one I am very passionate about. Also don't get fooled by the title, this isn't just filled with unrequited love.) Tag: Love is a Fantasy(: OC name/Plot/Etc) LGBTQ+ story exploring how teens go through questioning their gender and sexuality and how people may pride themselves differently on this stuff.

Alex is a gay teenager who isn't ashamed of his sexuality, but keeps it to himself mostly. He is lucky enough to have accepting parents and friends, but the crush he has on one of his best friends may complicate their friendship, which terrifies him. He uses he/him pronouns.

Ava is a non-binary lesbian teenager who uses they/them pronouns. They are proud of their sexuality and gender and never hesitate to correct people who misgender them. They've been friends with Alex since the two were young. Their parents aren't exactly weirded out by them, but more so confused by all this, but Ava gladly answers all their questions and doesn't let that stuff get to them.

Ethan is a bisexual teenager who turned Ava and Alex's duo into a trio, but lately, he's been wondering if maybe he's not as attracted to women as he originally thought. This terrifies him because his parents aren't the most accepting people, and he also has a girlfriend whom he doesn't want to break the heart of. But of course Alex just has to complicate everything, doesn't he? ;)

Avery is Ethan's girlfriend, but she's dealing with a lot at home, and now on top of that she doesn't know where her feelings stand. She thought she was pan her whole life, not feeling a difference in romantic attraction towards gender, but all of this comes to a half when she meets one of the new kids who explains she doesn't feel any romantic or sexual attraction, and now she doesn't know where anything stands anymore.

Evelyn and Chelsey have been friends since they were young, often helping each other hide their sexuality and genders from their Christian parents. Evelyn is pansexual and bigender, often stepping way off of the gender binary and just having fun with her looks, though a certain Ava catches her eye once she meets them. Chelsey is aro-ace and is open to pretty much any pronoun, and they have a pretty feminine style.

All these kids meet in an LGBTQ+ club (created and hosted by Ava), and are now helping each other figure out their sexualities, helping each other hide certain things from Christian parents, and just trying to get through the horrors of the teenage years.

Other Socials

Just my AO3 for now:

6 notes · View notes

freedfromthegalactichivemind · 4 months

Text

Honestly, sometimes when I am updating my new Trigun stuff on Ao3, or contemplating more Zelda stuff, I see the SHEER VOLUME of my Spop fics and I get a temptation just to personal-archive them all and take them all offline. Most of my experience in this fandom has been pain and I feel kind of ashamed of my Spop fics because "why was I writing for a children's cartoon that people take way too seriously, anyway?" Even though I was a prolific Trigun-ficcer back in the day, and after that, a prolific Zelda-ficcer, I never wanted to take all of my fanfiction dot net stuff over to Ao3. It's kind of surreal for me to see myself as an author of around 100 fics on Ao3 and instead of them being "mostly Zelda" or "half Zelda, half Trigun" like on the old site, on Ao3, there are just sooooo many individual Spop fics, most of them Entrapdak or veering into my original characters, and that's listed-fics, some of what I have are small-fic COLLECTIONS. And, it's like... I've returned to what has become a far better (and less traumatising) fandom now? I have a lot of stuff I've done over on fanfiction dot net from like 20 years ago, but it's not good, I just want to keep on doing new stuff, with the occasional bring-over of an old "I've re-read and I don't hate this" fic. So, I just leer at my Spop stuff and wonder... "What if I blew you all up?" I don't know if anyone is reading that stuff anymore. I get a few kudos now and again, but it's old stuff. I don't think I'm particularly missed in the fandom. And it's like...comparing my lower-effort fan-writing for a not-too well-written show with my explorations of something that is inspirational, amazing and burrows into the soul. I...just don't want people going to Ao3 to think of me as "an Spop writer anymore, when I'm becoming a Trigun writer again. But... I am not a coward. I've left up my old, dubious-quality bullshit-fic for many fandoms that I did over 20 years ago up on fanfiction dot net TO THIS DAY - seriously, things that make me facepalm still exist on the Internet, easily accessed. I also wonder, if anyone does still like my Ao3 Spop work, feeling nostalgic or whatever, they should be able to find it.

#spop #spop fanfiction #ao3 #transitioning fandoms #finding an old fandom again #trigun #trigun fandom is superior #trigun has helped me heal a lot #while I regard spop fandom with increasing bitterness #enough that sometimes I just want to blow all my fanwork for it to smithereens #just do a full 3rd City July on it #but then I calm down #and realise there are always new fans seeking old work #and I will always love that stupid fic I wrote #in which imp was destroying the Fright Zone because he was teething #dear god I ought to write a short where Rem has to deal with...#her twin boys doing the weirdest baby Plant-shit when they're growing #in a very Imp like manner #like chewing solid metal with newly formed baby Plant fangs or something

6 notes · View notes

ticklishraspberries · 1 year

Note

Hey! I wanted to tell you, with as little creepiness as possible, I've been a huge fan of your writing since my freshman year if high school. (I'm 20 now) just quietly lurking and consuming content.

firstly, you are really talented and I hope you also write outside of fanfiction also because you're GOOD.

Second I remember being youngin who liked the thingTM trying to explore, and ending up seeing all the non consensual or NSFW stuff first, mainly geared toward older men that want younger girls and being so uncomfortable and ashamed and slightly frightened tbh. Not that there isnt a place for that but it ain't for kids for sure lmao.

And then finding this particular tumblr community. You were one of the first blogs like this I ever saw. Describing consent and warmth and play cuz yes tickling can be a sexy thing but also consent and affection are sexy af. And it was a door to a community of people that were my age and safe and that really helped my accept myself ig.

Your writing is/was safe and warm and comforting and felt like a hug to an anxious high schooler that needed one. It's also just engaging because it's well written but that's beyond the point.

I just wanna say thank you for sharing your talent for free. And thank you for helping represent the more wholesome side of this wonderful odd little hyperfixation we all share. I hope you have a great night/day :)

this is the SWEETEST message i have ever received, thank you so much. i am like genuinely speechless, idk what to even say other than thank you so much, this genuinely made my whole day/week/month - and i'm so glad i could be that source of comfort for you. <333

#ask #save #fav

20 notes · View notes

kentopedia · 3 months

Note

I know you're currently on a mini break from tumblr but I saw your posts about feeling sad and desperate to be in love and happy and I just wanted to come and say what I hope will be some comforting words!! ᵕ̈ (I hope im not crossing any lines here, feel free to not answer if you're uncomfortable!)

im really sorry you're feeling this way:( it sucks to feel like you're way behind, especially when those your age and around you seem to be in fully committed relationships and ready for marriage type stuff. I think not being in a relationship in your 20s can really affect you when it seems like everything around you is fully centered on romance and love, and it's especially hard when you long for it so deeply. I can definitely relate to the feeling that you're years behind your friends, I spent all of my teenage years with a crush on the same guy, who didn't like me back. I had to sit back and watch as all my friends dated and had boys asking them out and no one liked me at all. I didn't have my first kiss or my first relationship till I was 20 and it sucks bec I remember how badly I wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted to get my first kiss out of the way just so I could be like everyone else!! and that sucks!!!

I truly believe that if you want love and romance then it will come to you at the exact right moment, and I hope that one day you get the opportunity to look back at these thoughts and be in disbelief at how you could ever think this way. I believe that if you want to know what it feels like for someone to love you, then you will, it just sucks that sometimes it feels completely out of your control and hopeless:(

I hope you know that you're not alone in these thoughts!! and i hope my words have given you some kind of reassurance/relief/happiness that what you're going through is shared by plenty of people!! I hope your tumblr break allows you to take some well deserved rest and that when you come back you're feeling better🫶💚

hi em !!! you're not crossing any lines at all, i really appreciate you sharing this with me <3 sorry i took so so long to answer, but i read this before my break, and it really did help me feel better :) it feels like something that people are so hesitant to talk about (i know i am), because it almost feels like i've failed in some way! so it is always nice to know that i'm not alone, and i'm trying not to be so embarrassed about it, because it's not something to be ashamed about, and the right person won't care! but you're so very right. i feel like everything will come at the right time, and in the past few years i've been really trying to reframe my mindset that way. i appreciate all the reassurance & support, and i'm sending lots of love right back!!!

#໒꒱ rylie's angels #xoxo . . . em

6 notes · View notes

give-soup-please · 2 years

Text

I can't sleep. A few thoughts on fictional characters. (long personal post)

Yeah, I should be in bed. I told my friends I was logging off. But I tried to sleep, and got caught up in memories of the past. It happens a lot when you're me.

So I didn't leave my parents place until I was 20, right? I've lived an approximate fourth of a human's lifespan in a bad home. And there are a lot of real people I could credit for helping me hang on long enough to get out. They more than deserve the credit that I could give. They all deserve their own happy endings and the best that life has to offer, there's no question of that.

But for a majority of my life, fictional characters also helped share the burden. My list of comfort characters is long. The first comfort character I had was when I was four years old. There was this movie that almost no one's heard of, called Doogal, also known as The Magic Roundabout. This was a bad kids movie, but when you're four, you're not exactly in a position to notice quality or do an analysis.

I've been through a lot of stuff that I don't talk about, partially for privacy reasons, partially for safety, and partially because I don't like to discuss all my trauma on a blog where anyone can read it. What I can say comfortably is that fictional characters have always acted as an anchor for me. They've kept me tethered, despite everything.

There were many times I came close to making a permanent mistake because life was too hard. I have a few... attempts under my belt. Nothing stuck, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be typing this. But I've been caught in this loop tonight about the power fictional characters have over our lives.

I pay attention. I lurk a lot over a broad variety of tags. TSP isn't my only fandom, though it is my main one right now. And I keep seeing these connections. I'm not the only one who's used characters to stay alive when things have been at their worst. Far from it. There are thousands of us, who have either been stuck in abusive situations or currently are, and we grip tight to these characters in order to have something, or someone who... Cares. Loves. Pays attention. There are so many ways to fill that blank, more than I have the ability to describe.

The thing is, I can't work out why. I mean, I can understand the need for the things our families can't provide, better than most. But why- or how, do they have this power? What is it about fictional characters that makes them have this ability? What does it mean to scream for help, and for a fictional character to lend a hand? I've been thinking about this for a while, and I can't come to any solid conclusions.

Do we use fictional characters to cope because a part of our brain knows that someone needs to be kind to us, despite all the things we've been told?

Do we use them to cope because our traits are recognizable in them?

Is it more metaphysical and spiritual than that? Can they see into our world at all? How many of us have discovered the media we needed at exactly the right time? How many of us have found something life saving in the most unlikely of fandoms? Is this fate? Is it chance? Do these characters in some universe watch us struggle and think, "I can lend a hand."?

Again, thousands of us have had these experiences. Undertale saved my life. Good Omens saved my life. Welcome to Nightvale helped me keep my sanity during the pandemic. Don't get me started on how many times Star Trek has given me something to live for. Redwall and Chronicles of Narnia too. I've been in a lot of different spaces. The perfect piece of media to distract and consume and daydream about, to get us through a few months. Again, and again.

I didn't know peace until I left home. But these worlds provided some small version of it. How did they do that?

I don't have any answers. Maybe the answers aren't important, but they feel important.

And I'm not ashamed that I use characters when tensions and stress or high. They've stuck with me since I was four years old, and I don't think they're going anywhere. Believe me, I've tried to rely on them less, and push them away in extreme circumstances. They won't leave me behind, even if I asked them to. I did. They refused point blank.

How is it that they've got a better grip on the inside of my head than I do?

Now chances are, relying on them is just what my brain learned to do to cope. But there's always a romantic part of me that wants to believe it's more than that.

I still can't get over it. How do fictional characters hold this much sway over us? I mean- I consume headcanons almost as much as I write for them. I've saved hundreds of them to my desktop to read when things are hard. And while I can't claim that those posts were lifesaving as much as the media was, they helped. They brought comfort. They brought relief.

Why? Why do these characters matter so much to us?

I have dozens of stories I could tell. Picturing Aziraphale with his wings stretched out, protecting me until I fell asleep. The narrator giving me comfort after dealing with my abusers. Julian Bashir and Garak helping me during recovery. Papyrus being proud of me for accomplishing things. Cecil Palmer helping me calm down from a panic attack. Fantasizing about living at Redwall Abbey, while stuck in a dangerous home. All of them helping me get back to my feet after being knocked to the ground again and again. All of them, and many others holding the line while I battled with my own brain to stay alive.

How were they able to convince me to stay, when I had no desire to do so? How did reading them saying kind things and writing them being kind to others help me believe I was deserving of kindness? How did loving them so deeply transfer to wanting to love myself?

None of it makes sense, but even if I wasn't invested in keeping myself here, they were.

#personal #not tsp related #okay i got that out of my system #im going to try and go back to bed #hopefully it will work this time #ugh #if it weren't for the fact that i'm about to stop posting #i'd try and come up with a tag for these types of posts #something like: soup's rambles #or: jay's philosophy hour #tw abuse #tw suicide

23 notes · View notes

kingsmoot · 9 months

Note

19 + 20 + 24

19. you’re mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like…

i very boldly typed out that i do not experience these emotions at all because i love benadryl blogging about the hatman and then i remembered that i'm actually really into jorah this time around

i love how much like his dad he is i love how pussywhipped he is i love that his tragic backstory is that his uppity bitch wife drove him into exile and millions of dollars of gambling debt and then he imprinted on a 14 year old girl who "looks like her" and follows her around breathing down her neck

i'm only on acok and i know jorah gets worse (even worse than INFORMING TO KL ABOUT THE LITTLE GIRL HE IS SUPPOSEDLY IN LOVE WITH) as the series progresses but i really enjoy him, i think he's a well written and complicated character and i like my big strong shit brickhouse knights to be fully outwardly pathetic...

also i'm still so zeroed in on varys/littlefinger i just don't post about it much because it makes me embarrassed.... spy4spy

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

the tactics/battles parts are really tedious to me... rn i was finding it rly rewarding playing "where's roose" every time someone mentioned harrenhal but now that i know where he and ramsay are (currently ramsay is playing lord of the dreadfort, roose is ?????, and tywin holds harrenhal) i'm like ok we can skip the rest of this actually. oooo how will the horses be able to cross over pffttbbtbtbtbbtbtbtbttt who cares

also i found arya and sansa's chapters really tedious when i first read the series but i'm really enjoying them now because most of my favorite characters show up frequently through their povs.

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

there is 100% far more rancid discourse than this but what i've been feeling most annoyed with and most slimy about in how everyone seems convinced that sansa needs an endgame ship

that in order for sansa to be happy and have a happy ending, she needs to have a good knightly husband who will treat her well, and like the only happiness that people seem capable of picturing for her is her married to a nice lord

as if the point of the series isn't that there aren't any nice lords and there aren't any good knights

like i see a lot of obvious pendulum swing stuff where people are angry about san/san and sansa/lf so they're like desperate to find her a boy her age to be sweet with and while i can maybe understand feeling that way i just cannot understand feeling like the only happiness and stability sansa can have is if she ends up happily married

like do you really think that's going to happen for her? do you really want that to be her endgame?

#ask tag #carco5a

3 notes · View notes

rgr-pop · 1 year

Text

I really like... have struggled with parts of what is now being called the 'mental load.' I'm extreeeeemely triggered by someone saying the words 'I didn't know' to me and i've been trying to figure it out. on one hand it's like why didn't you know you can't hide bags of trash, and that that would cause problems for others down the line lol. as a person with organization mental illness I often have - messy room - dishes in the sink - pile of stuff to go through - i will get to it soon - BEDROOM CUPS (!). and i don't begrudge those things of others although sometimes i'm like annoying about deciding all of a sudden that stuff should be clean. but i don't think any of us with mental illness are ever like - i did not know i should not have 20 mugs in my bedroom. (i think bedroom cups are literally fine. mugs can develop mold it's literally fine.)

when i was younger i really struggled because i grew up in a hoarding household in which - cleaning never got done - basic cleaning supplies usually weren't available - when my mom did clean it was a pretty traumatic and often physically violent experience for me - my home in general was falling apart in other ways, often no water, my bedroom had a hole in the floor that let raccoons in, etc. and there were a few years in my late teens and early twenties that i struggled with 'not knowing how to do things,' but that went away really quickly. working service was both useful (formalized learning cleaning techniques) but also it was where i was most ashamed and struggling. but i got better really quickly. but mostly it was very obvious to me very quickly, we try a million different things every day, all of us, that we don't know how to do, and what we do is we google how to do them. but this is why it's like... insane that some people (no comment on who) will be like, i don't know how to clean a sink. i don't know how to store fresh vegetables. i don't know how long i can store different kinds of food in the fridge after it has become moldy. because these people google all kinds of other stuff all the time!!

so the mental load thing. i think that if i had been in different circumstances, i might feel really different about this. it's literally my passion to show people how to do stuff. it's my job! i went to school for it! it's basically our whole field. i LOVE to do it. i would have loved to be in a situation where i can show someone else how to do a cleaning task -- laundry is a good one because i just could not do that for so long and now i do. i would love to share that with someone else!!! except that (i don't think everyone is like this but some people, not sure who, are), i have spent so many times in this situation: i would help with that but i don't know how to do it. here let me show you how to do it. and then i took the time to show them how to do it and then they never did it! bitch i'm busy i should have just done it myself. and then that becomes like itself quite traumatic

#just don't do stuff!!! it's fine not to do stuff #stop causing other people to work more about it #explaining arguing doing impromptu therapy #just don't do it it's probably not a big deal

15 notes · View notes

maddipoof · 1 year

Note

There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time 🪷- Character pairing, tell me somethings about yourself and pick a fandom and gender preference and I’ll ship you with someone <3

hello. (i've returned from my writing blog) i'm espie, i'm a sag, i like riding horses, rodeo stuff, Ned LeDoux, and i'm 4'10 (at the ripe age of 20 years old i'm not even 5'0 😭) and I have a duck named Boe and four horses named Bepp, Bonk, Bash and Judith.

stranger things men please!

Auwll right...I don't know....I'm trying to think what one would be the most open to like being a cowboy for you....

I think Eddie, honestly, he'd be all about it. I don't know how he'd feel about the music but he'd do it for you. I know a lot of people think like he must have gotten loads of girls but never had a girlfriend because they were ashamed of him I'm sorry, No. He's a freak for a reason and it has nothing to do with the sheets. He's a little weirdo and I love him. So he does not know how to boyfriend but he does know This is my person, I love them, I do everything for them. So you never have to worry about being too short to reach because he's slowly and sneakily been moving all the things you use most often in the trailer to places you can reach (which does lead to a very confused Wayne waking Eddie up at 5 to find the coffee for him) there are a few things still up top but he gets those for you so it's ok.

(I don't know how you get on your horses and I've only really ever ridden english so I don't know if western is different but we're gonna roll with it, I also don't know what the rodeo scene is like in indiana so just bear with me) So you introduce him to your horses and he loved the names already and now he's met them and he's a lil afraid but he gets over it when you push his hand out to give them treats and he won't look until he sees that his hand did not, in fact, get bitten off. So he loves them and you show him how to ride and he is not into it. But he did try "Sweetheart, I love you, I love you but I can never do that again." He didn't even have a bad experience or anything, (speaking as someone who's fallen off of multiple horses, multiple times) It's just not for him. But he loves it for you, he also loves helping you on, like doing the jumpy-lift thing and he just hoists you up.

He doesn't know if the rodeo people are going to be like Get this freak out of here, but then you tell him he'll be fine so you go together and he loves it. He thinks they're the coolest thing and the whole time he's saying he'd do better, he'd stay on longer, this looks easy. But then you make him do the mechanical one(because you're not trying to kill him) and he actually stays on pretty long but then you pull him away to the barrel racing before he gets too cocky and decides he's ready for the real thing.

He absolutely learns the songs you like on guitar for you, he has an acoustic guitar somewhere under his bed and he pulls it out, restrings it, the whole bit, and makes Corroded Coffin learn 2, he wanted more but they wouldn't budge and this is the closest they could come to a compromise.

I hope you like it<3<3<3

#espie🌼#dell's moots #della celebrates 100

2 notes · View notes

a-snow-decahedron · 2 years

Note

16 17 and 19 for ask meme ?

Qkgkskgks thank you for asking!!

16. What's the weirdest thing you've used as a bookmark?

I read a lot on PDF and even on paper I don't use bookmarks. HOWEVER... The weirdest bookmark i do use sometimes is my phone skgjdjfj

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Right now I'm mainly writing for another fandom, Hollow Knight. I started a really chill project in which I explore post-canon events of one of the endings. I've posted 4 chapters, I'm halfway through the 5th out of 16-20 chapters? Since this isn't the fandom this work belongs to I won't dwell for too long, but I can talk about it more in my HK sideblog (@fungal-wasted) (I'm a little desperate i need to talk about it)

FOR THIS FANDOM: I have been delaying a Chara essay for far too long skgkdjf I also have some thoughts related to Frisk in neutral endings, and a Pre canon Sans and Toriel fic that had lived in my brain for A While but I have not written because idk how to start.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

PFFFT. So I barely consider myself a writer but I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about writing or telling stories. This is long but hopefully not tedious to read!!

8 year old me would write in the format of a play (with formal notations and all) about my first OCs. They were average for a kid that age to be honest. I remember one was named Carmín. Whatever. I just wrote because it was fun to make stories. I also hated reading so not even my old self would have cared about the story lol.

9-11 I had some self insert OCs who were 3 sisters and they went to a lot of vague fantasy places. Never wrote a story down, just had very vivid images and I'd talk to myself roleplaying my characters... Man i was a little weird. It's OK though. It was fun.

By 12-14 i got into Wattpad. I was into Heroes of Olympus and got introduced to fanfiction there. There were also my first attempts at translation and they weren't great but i had a lot of readers. It improved my English inmensively, despite it all. I was into YA literature but I was a bit dumb, not too critical and ashamed about it.

15-18 pure silence. I read some stuff, wrote nothing and I thought I was cringy, I also left Wattpad for the most part, knew about AO3 but rarely frequented it...

And now we're here. I started writing fic regularly whenever I'd get an idea to share, or a scene in my mind that I wanted to portray and add to the piles of fic that sometimes didn't have what I was looking for. It also became a good chance to understand conversations, intent and such better and to have an outlet for all my thoughts. I also like writing essays or such on occasion. OH and it was a chance to write in English too and practice!!

The biggest bumps are when you feel the structure of your story shaking under the weight of inconsistency and or lack of a way to address what you want and have the desired effect.

Now I like both character studies and worldbuilding, and that's what my writing tries to do! I'm also trying to get back into translation (check out @tortadecuchufli ). I want to try out different things and maybe branch out to original writing at some point in the future but who knows.

#MAAAAn the nostalgia i got writing about this #ask game #having to retell my trajectory in writing has made me realize a lot of things about myself and wow #some things never change

6 notes · View notes