#anyway we got so lucky with that lighting it's literally from a street lamp that happened to turn on while we were out

[overdevelopedglasses]

"I'm gonna expose everything... and it'll be poetic coming from me"

Anyway, Judgment blew me away when I first played it. The story and characters are phenomenal, but Yagami absolutely astounded me with his role as the MC. His character arc and personal struggles were, and still are, incredibly relatable, and he's quickly become one of my favorite protagonists in video games and in general media. When Halloween came onto the horizon this year, I knew who I was gonna dress up as.

Roommates and I had a blast getting these photos, and they had both great ideas for poses and how to make me look good lol.

More pics under the cut!

#not putting the normal tags on this bc aaa anxiety #but hi! its me! I exist I swear #yes I am wearing the outfit today #randos pls dont be weird or i will beat you up #mutuals i trust yall lol #general side note: i usually wear glasses (and I don't have prescription contacts yet) so I was almost blind while posing for these picture #excuse some weirdness from the description i copied some of it from instagram #i dont have to include the comparison pic because we all know who Yagami is LMAO #anyway we got so lucky with that lighting it's literally from a street lamp that happened to turn on while we were out #the LJ boxart pose was my roommate's idea idk how i didn't think of it

[dynyamight]

For the interaction + action ask: “ You have the most beautiful eyes, I’ve ever seen. “ + attempts to pickpocket, but gropes instead

send me an interaction ask bonus + action

“You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen." + attempts to pickpocket, but gropes instead

From the moment he landed on the feeble looking man, making his way down the cobblestone pathway, Bakugou knew that was his next target.

Dressed in an oversized robe, with only his soft, round face showing, the merchant strolled the empty street with a satchel, visibly filled with who knows what. But, Bakugou had a gut feeling that it had to be valuables and riches.

The green haired fool had his hands protectively around its shoulder strap; of course there had to be something worth selling.

Swiftly, Bakugou hightailed, right behind the merchant, making sure to keep a relatively natural distance between them. Fortunately for him, the night sky allowed his presence to be hidden better, with only the dim street lamps barely making light.

When the merchant makes a turn, around the corner of the next street, Bakugou allows himself a few seconds to slow down. Give his target some time to look back, and notice nothing.

After his small breather, Bakugou then makes the turn.

“Hi!” The merchant greets in his face.

Taken aback, Bakugou’s left stumbling backwards, barely catching himself in the process. “What the- Holy shit.”

“I deeply apologize, I didn’t mean to scare you so suddenly.” The merchant smiles feebly, his expression painted with worry. “I just noticed we were headed the same way, and I was wondering if you too are wanting to meet with Wizard Yagi?”

Wizard who?

Now, usually, Bakugou would have dropped the mission, head over and found a different person. There’s no point in trying to steal from someone who already knows your face, and has caught you in the act. It ruins the fun in thievery, and Bakugou simply just doesn’t enjoy lying, due to having to talk to the other person.

He prefers to do the least amount of talking possible.

However, today was a complete bust. Bakugou hasn’t been as lucky as he usually is, stealing empty bags, and pickpocketing fool’s gold and counterfeit goods. It’s just been the fucking worst, to say the least.

So, yeah, he’s desperate as fuck. And, this guy looks like he could barely hurt an ant, without bursting into fat welts.

“Sure am.” Bakugou lies, offering an open hand. “You must be Wizard Yagi’s apprentice?”

Green eyes light up, and quickly their hands are met into a firm handshake. “Why yes! How did you know?”

Lucky guess. “The whole town’s been hearing about you. Someone who had extremely, wondrous potential. A fucking prodigy, genius even.”

There’s a slight blush that forms over the merchant’s face. “O-Oh, I wouldn’t say that. The rumors are always so exaggerated these days.”

“Pfft, c’mon. You’re fucking well known.” Bakugou states easily, “I bet you’re the best at magic.”

“Um, I don’t actually use magic.” The merchant weakly admits.

“You don’t?” Shit.

“D-Don’t worry!” He reassures quickly, hands waving dismissively in the air, “It’s a common mistake the folks say.”

“Oh, that’s a fucking relief.” Bakugou genuinely breathes out.

“All is forgiven.” The merchant chuckles, finally gesturing to his satchel at his side. “You see, I gather bunches of resources from the forest, as well as pick up spices and herbals from different shops, and create healing potions. If I could use magic, I think it would have been Light magic.”

“You can’t possibly collect so much, without a couple of coins in your bag.” Bakugou suggests.

“A-Ah, well,” The merchant scratches the side of his cheek, donned with freckles, “I do have riches, in order to trade and purchase.”

It has Bakugou smiling bright. “No kidding.”

“Um, anyways,” The merchant instantly shifts the conversation, “Why don’t we walk together over to my master’s lodging? It can get a little dangerous around here.”

“My, how kind of you. You’d do that for someone like me?” Bakugou teases outright.

The merchant nods confidently. “Yeah, I can protect you, of course.”

What a fucking liar. “Lead the way, then.”

With his huge robe in the way, Bakugou has come to the terrible conclusion that while they walk, he can’t seem to grab the satchel. Hidden by the long cloth, it will continuously appear and disappear, with each step the young man took. It irritated Bakugou, to no end.

“I never got your name.” The merchant chimes from in front.

“It’s Bakugou.” He huffs, still eying at his side.

“My name is Midoriya!” The merchant chuckles airly, shaking his head. “Sorry, you probably knew that already. It’s a force of habit.”

Thank god, he would have never guessed. “Don’t sweat it. I do that shit all the time.”

Immediately, Midoriya halts in his steps. And, before Bakugou could ask, he turns to face him, a wide, joyous smile printed on his face. “Really? You do that, too?”

The satchel has now flung behind Midoriya, no longer at his side. For fuck’s sake.

Nothing comes easy to Bakugou. Hard life comes with hard, strifling times.

“Y-Yeah,” He barely grits out through his teeth, pressing down on the urge to tackle Midoriya, right here and now. “Forgetful ass motherfucker. That’s me.”

“While your language is a bit crass, I completely understand how you feel!” Midoriya states, eyes shining in delight. “It’s like I’ll go to the theater, and the ticket master will say ‘Enjoy the show!’, and I say ‘Thank you, you too!’ It’s absolutely dreadful, right?”

Bakugou has never said that stupid shit, in his entire life. Who even does that?

Apparently, this idiot.

“Absolutely dreadful.” He forces himself to agree.

“My, we have so much in common!” Midoriya laughs, bringing his hands together in a fold. “Perhaps we were bound to meet; you and I. Out here, on this fateful night!”

Sounds terribly romantic. Which then, just like a lightbulb, perfectly brings a brilliant idea in Bakugou’s mind. A way to make Midoriya stand still, and reach around his back for that damn bag.

“Say,” Bakugou begins, taking a step closer, inching his face near, “Did anyone ever tell you are a lovely sight to witness?”

Midoriya’s eyes widened, lips agape in shock. “I-I am?” He weakly breathes out.

“The damn sunset would grow jealous of your rare beauty. Trust me.” Bakugou brings his right hand up Midoriya’s face, gently cupping his cheek. “Believe me.”

He can feel the warmth hit his palm, before he sees the red hue flush across Midoriya’s face. “U-Um, thank you, Bakugou. That’s rather kind of you to say.”

“You know, if we had met under different circumstances,” Bakugou whispers, making sure to add a hint of sultry and sweet into his rough voice, “I know exactly what I would have said, to grab your attention.”

With his lingering left hand, Bakugou reaches around Midoriya’s side. He hovers just slightly over his waist, towards his backside.

At this point, now he was waiting for the right moment.

Despite his calculated movements, Midoriya still had no idea. “Wh-What would you have said, if you don’t mind me asking?” He mumbles quietly.

“I’d say,” Bakugou smirks, ‘Excuse me, sir. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.”

And, with those emerald, pretty eyes staring back at him in awe, Bakugou finally grabs at the satchel with a tight grip.

There was no buckle. No riches he felt. No crunch from herbs or spices. There was literally nothing he felt in his hand.

Except a piece of firm ass.

And the hard fist that slammed into Bakugou’s face left him unconscious, out on the street.

#star responds #LAST ONE FOR THE NIGHT !! i have to go to work tomorrow sigh #BUT LMAOO THIEF BAKUGOU & HIS 'WIZARD' DEKU #he's not really a wizard since he doesn't possess magic #BUT!! he makes wonderful healing potions & stat boosters #plus he's physically strong to make up for his lack of magic #WHICH LMAO POOR BAKUGOU #hope you liked it !! #fizzychocolatemilk #bakudeku

[caravelmp3]

i could drink a case of you, darling

pairing: jake kiszka x female!reader warning(s): alcohol mention, we get a makeout sesh word count: 3k synopsis: (y/n) and jake head back to his place after meeting and hitting it off in a l.a. bar. with vinyls & drinks and a bit of the heat of the moment, things are bound to take off note: hi lovelies !!! this is the first gvf-related writing i have done since becoming a fan and i’m quite nervous about posting it & it’s also the first thing i have wrote in a few months so i hope it’s coherent hahaha :) i hope you all enjoy !! x 

     Warm summer wind whipped (Y/N)’s hair around as she stood on the sidewalk of Hollywood Boulevard. Street lights and neon bar lights filled the sky and the streets below, bouncing off the ground, reflecting in Jake’s dark eyes as she instinctively leaned against him, hand sliding around his forearm for support. They stood among the throngs of people walking the street, those outside of the bar smoking a cigarette or asking for a light, and those standing outside waiting for a chance to dive behind the packed doors of the 70s-esque bar they just escaped from. It seemed like everyone in Los Angeles was spending their Friday night in the city, just like them. 

Jake turned to (Y/N) when she touched the inside of his arm, and he locked the phone in his hand, shoving it back into the pocket of his jacket. “Think the Uber is just around the corner,” he said. 

“Should we tell everyone that we’re leaving?” She asked, using her head to nod in the direction of the bar behind them. Just behind the doors, across the room filled with loud voices and music, their friends (and siblings) were inside, drunk and completely unaware that they had escaped their line of sight. “Or should we just let it be a surprise in the next five minutes when one of them goes to the bar and realizes we’re not there?” 

Jake licked his lips, and around the corner, he spotted a white car turning down the street - it matched the image in his head from the Uber app. It was their ride. “I think we should let it be a surprise.” He said with a smirk. 

She laughed, but didn’t know if it was from the alcohol pumping through her veins or the mental image of both their friend groups drunkenly stumbling around the bar, yelling their names in an attempt to find them when in reality they were whisking across the city, but she laughed anyway. 

“They will kill us,” 

“Oh absolutely,” Jake said before throwing up a hand, signaling the white car to them and letting them slow down to a stop in front of them. 

(Y/N) felt Jake pull away from her touch as he stepped down off the sidewalk and opened the back door to the car, poking his head in and talking briefly to the driver. Under the muffled music from inside, she caught him asking the driver for his name, and a second later Jake stood up and turned to her with a smile. 

He took a swift step up to the sidewalk, hands motioning to the car. “Your chariot has arrived,” He was tipsy. So was she. 

With a playful eye roll to his cliche line, (Y/N) shouldered her purse and stepped down off the sidewalk to the street, and she slid into the backseat of the car. Scooting in, Jake followed right behind her, their thighs pressed together as the driver sped off, following the directions to the house on his phone. The music in the car was low, just enough to hear what it was, but (Y/N) and Jake weren’t paying attention to anything but each other. She shifted to face him, his hand sliding to touch her knee through the material of her jeans, and they were talking, they were giggling about anything and everything, yet nothing at all. 

The orange street lights bounced in and out of the car the further they drove though East Hollywood, and she paused and admired him. Two hours ago they were mere strangers downing shots a table adjacent from each other, an hour ago they were laughing while dancing to Stephen Stills on a hammock-laden patio under string lights as those they came with cheered them on between rounds of beers and cocktails, and she never pictured her night ending by going home with someone. 

But she felt it when they talked, when they brushed hands, when they laughed. It felt like being with your best friend. They were two strangers in two different industries, but when they argued over Beatles versus The Rolling Stones before falling into singing whatever came on next on the jukebox, it felt like they had done it all before. 

“Oh god it’s almost one a.m.,” (Y/N) cursed under her breath as she glanced away from her cocktail to the watch on her wrist. 

Jake swooped in behind her, settling down on the bench to her right. She looked up at him with shining eyes and smiled, but there was a slight tug on her lips. “Got somewhere to be in the morning?” 

“No, I’m just supposed to go out tomorrow with some friends.” She looked forward, gaze darting across the room to where both her friend group and Jake’s were ordering standing around a picnic table next to the hammocks. “I might get an Uber and let you all have your fun.” When she reached into the side of her purse for her phone, Jake was quick to deflect her decision.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he reached out, placing a hand on her bag, and she raised a brow at him. He smiled, cheeks flushed and wisps of hair flying in the wind. She watched him pause as if he was thinking of what to say, then lick his lips before speaking up again. “I don’t want you to get an Uber alone. That’s sketchy.” 

(Y/N) smirked. “So what are you thinking?” 

“I’ll get an Uber, “he used his free hand to motion to the sky, “and you can come back to ours. I can show you all of those records that we talked about earlier. Maybe even let you borrow one or two.” 

“Oh, lucky me,” she grinned, obviously teasing him, and he chuckled. (Y/N)’s eyes scanned him quickly one last time - her brain ticking, determining whether or not going home with a stranger was how she wanted to end her night. And when his soft brown eyes met hers, she was a goner. “You get the Uber,” and Jake let out another chuckle, hand diving to the pocket of his jacket for his phone.

And half an hour later, after battling late traffic of East L.A., the two stumbled out of the backseat of the car and onto the sidewalk of a tiny residential area. With many rushed thank-yous, Jake shut the door and led (Y/N) to a small gate hidden between trimmed bushes, and he punched in a code before they stepped inside. 

While it wasn’t necessarily (Y/N)’s first rodeo, she did feel that kick of nerves in her stomach as she followed Jake into the house. Her heart was racing and stomach was full of nerves while he seemed so casual, tossing down his keys and flicking on the lights, heading to the kitchen while asking if she wanted a beer. 

“Yeah, I’ll take whatever you have.” 

Placing her bag down on the foyer table, she pushed further into the house, her eyes following a path of light from a room off the large living area. Peering inside, out of her own curiosity, she noticed a shelf on the wall full of records, and her feet led her inside. Her eyes drank in the sight of the vinyl's, the record player sitting in the corner of the room just waiting to be used.

Her eyes scanned the wall, looking at the different colors, the pictures, the fonts, imagining herself listening to them all. “You guys have Joan Baez records?” She beamed, speaking over her shoulder to Jake in the kitchen. 

Jake glanced up at her through the doorway, noticing her head craning back, staring up at the top shelf, and he smiled before screwing off the caps of the beers and crossing the distance between them. “I wasn’t joking when I said we grew up listening to literally everything.” He strolled into the room and (Y/N) glanced back with a matching smile, taking a beer from his outstretched arm, and then returning her eyes to the shelf. 

“My parents loved Joan Baez, mostly because she was the muse behind so many Dylan songs.” She turned her body towards him, their eyes meeting a second later and she quipped a brow. “Odds on having a Joni Mitchell record?” 

Jake’s eyes then darted to the wall. “More likely than you think,” and he stepped over and hooked his hand around the rolling ladder on the wall and slid it a few rows over to them. She watched as he took a step upon the ladder, and then another, reaching at the top shelf. “Which one - Ladies of The Canyon? Blue? For The Roses?” 

She reached out, holding onto the edge of the ladder while humming. “Surprise me,” 

Jake clicked his tongue, fingers fiddling with the vinyl before plucking one out. He held it out to her and she took it from his hand - noting the dark and light colors contrasting beautifully. It was Blue, her 1971 album. 

While he climbed down the small ladder, (Y/N) crossed the room to the corner where the record player sat next to a small lamp. She flipped on the lamp and flipped on the record player, pulling the record from the sleeve placing it on the turntable, then dropping down the stylus in one swoop. It started with All I Want. Joni’s soothing voice filled the room and she turned to Jake with a smile. 

“Is that your record?” 

He lowered down onto a chair, knees spread as he leaned back. “Think it’s Sam’s. We had so many duplicates of others when we moved in that we eventually just donated them all.” He explained and she gave a nod in response. 

Instead of taking the chair across from him, (Y/N) crossed the distance between them and lowered down onto the hardwood floor, placing herself right at his feet. She took a sip of her beer, crossed her legs, letting her shoulder brush his thigh while leaning against the chair. And they sat in silence for a moment - losing themselves in the sound of Joni’s voice, in the tapping of their hands and feet to the beat, in the sway of the melody of each song on that side of the record.

In the midst of Carey, Jake tilted his head to the side and looked down at (Y/N) at his feet. His free hand reached out, touching the skin of her shoulder, her neck, fingers twiddling with her hair. She felt his fingers graze over the back of her neck and she instinctively tilted her head back, and then she glanced over her shoulder to him. 

“Are you playing with my hair, Jake?” She teased and he let out a deep chuckle from behind her.

“It was so tempting,” he explained, hand then touching her shoulder, the side of her neck, and she felt her body melt right into putty. 

“That’s funny,” she shifted, turning to him. 

Jake raised a brow. “Why’s it funny?” 

And her eyes went straight to his hair. It was the second thing she noticed about him after his smile. His brown hair was long, hanging down past his shoulders, laying perfectly on the maroon corduroy jacket he was wearing. 

She lazily rested her cheek on the armrest of the chair, staring up at him with glossy eyes that had his heart racing. “Because I have wanted to play with your hair all night.” 

He smiled wide. “Well all you had to do was ask,” and he hastily slid down off the chair to her hip, both laughing while he came crashing down next to her. 

Legs tangled with drunken laughs, (Y/N) reached out, guiding her fingers straight through Jake’s long hair. His hair was soft, and they were so close she could smell his cologne on the collar of his shirt, making her head spin even faster. Jake leaned into her hand as she ran her fingers through the strands, finding it so soothing, and he looked at her, causing her to smile warmly at him. 

“This what you waited for?” 

“Like a dream came true,” she joked and they cracked smiles, “I’m mostly jealous though. Your hair is better than mine.” 

“Well, if it makes you feel better,” he motioned lazily to her leg, “I’m jealous of your boots. Wish I could pull those off as well as you do.” 

And she raised her foot up, the dark blue and sparkly boots glimmering in the low lighting of the room, and she shook her foot before placing it back down to the floor with a thump to the rug. “I feel like you would pull them off well. Pair them with any stage outfit and you’ll be Bowie up on that stage.” 

Jake leaned his head back against the chair and she shifted her knee over his thigh. She had her cheek resting against her own arm, fingers gently working in the strands of his hair. His eyes focused on her, on her flushed cheeks and red lips, glossy eyes, and he felt a kick of courage in his veins. 

“What would you say if I told you that I spent all night fighting the urge to kiss you?” 

(Y/N) stilled, her eyes searching his face, but she felt a kick in her chest, the butterflies filling her stomach. The guy she spent the entire night pining over was wanting to kiss her. And she felt like she was in a damn dream - hitting it off with a long-haired rockstar and sitting on their floor, tipsy, listening to vinyl. 

“I would say that you are a fool for not doing it.” 

Out the corner of her eye, she saw his hand raise up, the back of his fingers rubbing across the apples of her cheeks, and then his fingers slid to her neck and pressed against the nape of her neck, and she allowed him to pull her closer until their lips met. 

(Y/N)’s eyes fluttered shut as she felt his mouth press against hers, her body simultaneously busting at the seams while molding against him when she leaned in closer. His lips were soft, his skin was warm, her head was swirling. A second later she pulled back, nose nestling against his, and then she licked her lips before tilting her chin upwards and capturing his lips with hers again. 

The second kiss sealed their fate. 

Her lips parted when she took a small breath, and then she met his mouth again, over and over again while their bodies propelled them forward. Jake’s hands traveled down her body, touching her back, her hips as her fingers dived deeper into his hair, holding his head. When her lips dragged across his, his hands pressed against her lower back, and then her thigh, gently pulling her into his lap when she raised her knee to slide across his hips. Settling in his lap, their lips reconnected, this time more rushed, sloppy, heated. 

A slow and wavering breath left her lips when Jake’s cold hands met her waist - his skilled fingers traveling under the hem of her sweater and pressing against her hot skin, igniting her from the inside out as they kissed and kissed, and kissed again. She parted her lips and his tongue was in her mouth, and she could taste the hoppy beer, the nicotine on his breath from their smoke break before they escaped the bar into the night together. 

Jake’s lips broke away from hers and his head lolled back when she pressed her lips against his cheek, his jaw, trailing down his neck. He could feel his heart pound rapidly against his chest as she met the tender skin of his throat, and his fingers instinctively gripped tighter at the skin of her hips. Their lips reconnected for just a second before a noise ripped through the room - it was the typical Apple ringtone.

The noise startled them and they quickly pulled back from each other, looking around to see where the source of the noise was coming from. It was echoing from just outside of the room where they had placed their phones after coming in. When they realized it was their phones, they looked at each other - swollen lips and flushed cheeks. 

“Five dollars says it’s yours,” (Y/N) said quickly. 

Jake chuckled, his hands falling from her hips to her thighs, thumb rubbing along the seam. “And five says it’s your friends,” 

She quickly pulled her leg from his hip and leaned back, letting him stand to his feet. He quickly jogged out of the room and turned the corner to the foyer table, and a second later, he reappeared in the doorway with a grin while holding onto her phone with an illuminated screen. 

“Fuck,” she laughed, holding out a hand. He crossed the space between them and handed her the phone. The annoying ringtone stopped a beat later when she answered, and Jake busied himself with the records, walking over to change the vinyl to one he had in mind.

“Hey,” he heard her answer to her friends. “Are you guys still at the bar?” She asked next. 

He plucked a record from the sleeve and twirled it to the A-side, then placed it down, dropping the stylus onto the right spot to let it start playing. 

(Y/N) leaned on her hip, watching as Jake changed the records, but still paying attention to the loud sounds of the bar on the other end of the call - the yelling, the music, the cheers followed by clinks of glasses. And then she heard the album Jake put on to fill the space of the room - it was the first track of Some Girls, the 1978 Rolling Stones’ album. Their eyes met and she couldn’t help but laugh - just an hour or so ago they were arguing about the Beatles versus Stones between shots, and now he was making her pay for choosing the Beatles. 

“Anyways,” her friend sang through the speaker, “are you okay? Are you safe?” 

Jake spun around and pointed at her dramatically while then pretending to play air-guitar and (Y/N) beamed. “Yeah, I’m in good hands, no need to worry,”

#jake kiszka imagine #jake kiszka one shot #great van fleet imagine #greta van fleet one shot #gvf imagine #gvf one shot #jake kiszka

[a-collection-of-villainous-aus]

Coffee Shop au part four

(Segment one of three)

If I forget to tag something important please tell me.

(Present day)

(Small warning Acylius does use those he tortures for food for other demons and non mortal creatures to consume so if you have a problem with that then um just keep scrolling I guess ^^; )

What was this…that strange feeling of disappointment at seeing Black Hats chair being vacant; after all he’d only been there twice so it was not as if he was a regular customer, especially as they’d only been open for two days.

Why should the old demon stay until closing time anyway, just because he did it on the first day didn’t mean he’d do it again today, he had no reason to stay…Black Hat had been rather forward though, kissing him like that, not that he was complaining but , he wasn’t one to just play around and be used.

Friends with benefits was one thing, at least you knew where you both stood, and yet still, why did it feel so familiar, an old dream perhaps, after all who didn’t at least have one wet dream about the great Black Hat doing sordid things to your body right.

Especially with tentacles, while wearing priest robes.

Yes he had his kinks, but damn you if you tried to shame him for them.

He huffed, shoulders going slump, no this was ridiculous , feeling sad just because that idiot of a Gremlin just upped and left without so much as a good bye, Hat didn’t owe him anything and he didn’t owe Hat anything either.

Clearly he was crazy, he had finally fucking lost it, thinking of The Great Lord Black Hat owing him a good bye and a kiss on the cheek as if they were lovers, he’d just met the bastard.

No he needed to either relax or worry if the destroyer of worlds was going to ruin his café that’d he’d always wanted with his mischievous downright evil antics.

Acylius was currently grinding up their latest victim, a man who’d been abusing Nicodemus’s workers (don’t worry if you don’t know who that is I won’t be bringing him into this unless I need him for like filler scenes)

Body parts in neat piles on the counter top, ‘pork’ pies were on the menu tomorrow, this was Black Hat’s island so even the people knew some places the menu would cater to demons so if they saw the chalk was in red they knew it was demon cuisine, though of course there was always the daring person who’d ask for it anyway in which a waiver definitely had to be signed.

Hey, wasn’t going to be Acylius’s problem if they decided to off themselves on food that probably wasn’t for human consumption.

This particular man had been a pig and he was serving sow next week.

Vile beings needed to meet a vile end.

This was going to be a long night, he could manage though, at best he could manage on two nights of sleep during the week.

Currently the head of the meat sack was animated and still alive, the man was so far gone he’d reached that point of acceptance that this was happening and nothing could be done, so seeing his body being prepped for pastries and such was more amusing than anything.

“I’m a Legion demon Jake, that’s your name right?”

“Yeah.”

“So, anyway as I was saying I’m a Legion demon in this day and age that means nothing to most unless you are perhaps ancient or still follow the old ways, I have nothing to offer thee Great Lord Black Hat.”

Jake watched as the demon deboned, removed a hand and of his shaved one of his arms before washing it down to make sure all the hair was gone before slapping it into the mince meat maker.

“Last I heard your kind was like some kinda lucky charm right dude?”

“Yes, but he does not need that from me, if we did anything he would be interested in me for all of five minutes and bail, he is all shadows and darkness, I will literally spend weekends in my boxers eating cheese puffs if the week has been hard enough, hardly a turn on for someone like Black Hat.”

Acylius snapped while working on another piece.

“I dunno, some beings like to see their partners being able to feel that chill around them, but hey that’s just my jam you know, anyway stop whining, this guy is old as shit right, you don’t know, your Legion demon shit might actually put a huge boner in his pants.”

Jake taunted, smirking as he watched his killer bristle up, oooo hooo sensitive much.

You know those scenes in anime’s where the other character suddenly gets really tall, shadows where their eyes should be and their hair seems to just be blowing in the wind and there’s that broken glass sound sometimes.

That’s Acylius’s reaction as his mouth turns into a ground out grin that’s splitting wider and wider along where the scars are, ironically that injury is the reason he can smile this wide now when the demon in him starts to show.

Jake was going to die, he was already he dead he knew it so why not torment him just a little more and get it over with

“Awww no I know what it is baby demon, you want a daddy you can suckle on and-

Acylius brought the meat tenderiser down on Jake’s head repeatedly until there was only pulp left, brain matter and blood were splattered across his apron with a few deep scarlet streaks going across his cheek, how brightly the red stood out against the snow white skin.

He was staring at the mess he’d made, panting softly, pupils thin and biting his lip, alright maybe he’d enjoyed that a little too much, he frowned though when he saw the pies had been covered to, well perhaps they would still be salvageable.

Scraping the remains of the head into the bin marked biohazard he pulled the bag out and set it down getting rid of other pieces he no longer required, tomorrow non human waste disposal would be picking up the remains anyway.

Demencia had caught the show and was leaning on the door.

“Looks like you got a little too into that Lulu, sure you don’t want to tenderise me on the surface.”

(NOTE, Acylius’s nick name Lulu was made last year in November 2019 because my friend had trouble pronouncing his name, so I tried to think of a name that he’d only let close friends and loved ones call him and that’s where that comes from, not Helluva boss, just thought I’d point that out as there’s a Lulu world and Loo Loo land)

“Not now Demencia, I’m not in the mood for your jokes.”

Acylius ran his fingers through his hair, regretting it once he remembered oh yeah covered in blood; a shower would definitely be needed before bed.

“Ah I see, so the head got sassy huh?”

Flug, because yes reminder Acylius is Doctor Flug, paused at the backdoor and pouted

“Might have, he also said some very offensive words that I did not appreciate.”

Demmy folded her arms, shaking her head and smiling

“Well you showed that head who’s boss, now hurry up binch I want my cookies and hot chocolate, it’s late.”

Flug lovingly gave her the finger as he walked out the door while telling her she had two hands she could do it herself.

The back alley was dimly lit, not that he couldn’t see or choose to focus his vision to see clearer but sometimes it was nice just to appreciate light that softly glowed and curled around corners to take in the world in all different ways and settings…oh he missed rain, there hadn’t been any in nearly two months now, he missed how things glowed, street lamps became brighter and car lights so red and vibrant against the grey trailing along winding roads of shimmering black.

Perhaps it would soon when the snow had melted, he’d go for a long drive and listen to the rain hitting the roof of his car, patting against the windows, listening to the quiet tick, tick, tick of the vehicle when he switched on the indicator.

Yeah just drive out the middle of nowhere, strip down and run in the rain or just let it soak into his clothes as his breath streamed out in wispy clouds…

Ears twitching he heard a late party of drunks making their way home, he watched them pass by, they were completely unaware of him, if he were perhaps a rabid sort of demon they would be easy pickings, but that was not his game, at least not tonight, there was no scent that told him a wrong doing had been done, just a group of friends heading home for bed.

Snow had fallen in the tracks left by the bustling day life of the people around here and now in the silence he wondered was he lonely, Demencia’s offers had sometimes had been all too tempting simply out of need for comfort and to be close to someone, sometimes it seemed she needed it just as much as he did when they’d just lean on each other and complain about their day.

Looking up he found someone watching him from the shadows, well more saw a pair of eyes, completely yellow, no white to be seen, oranges and reds, as if he were looking at the sun, shivering as a breeze rolled through he pulled down his sleeves, goose bumps rising, a tingling down his spine, just the little things that reminded him he was alive, he was not afraid of what lingered in the shadows, there was no sense of danger.

Perhaps they were a Legion fan , someone caught off guard by his appearance, after all Flug knew his scars could be quiet unsettling to some people…though come to think of it he did sense an air of fear about this being, still they were wide and unmoving.

Really the sensible thing to do would be to just go inside and ignore this creature, yet something kept him there a longing to talk to it, placing the garbage into the bins he smiled just a little

“You know stranger, you remind me of someone…someone I feel like I should know.”

Acylius’s ears lay flat as he heard them softly whimper, it sounded so sad.

“I am sorry, I was not being offensive I assure you, this person I speak of was very kind, at least he was in the dream, I dreamt when I was little , funnily enough a night like this, Mother had locked me out…”

He held one hand in the other looking at them, fingers curling around his thumb

“My fingers were so cold and red I could barely feel them, or the rest of myself to be honest…heh you probably do not want to hear the tired ramblings of an out of date demon.”

“No, please continue.”

There was silence again, that whispered voice, it comforted him, made him feel at ease, this indeed truly was a strange day.

“Mother had locked me out, I didn’t cry or beg her to let me back in, I knew she would not open the door, so I laid down cheek to the snow, despite being almost numb my face burned, my face…”

Tracing along his scars as he recalled the moment could not help but wince

“I had to be careful still they had barely healed by that point, but I remember how good the cold felt on them, red and angry they seemed to only be satisfied when pressed to the freezing earth, I knew that night or at least believed I was going to die and…I was alright with that until I saw a pair of eyes just like yours.”

Acylius took a step forward only stopping when he saw this being step back

“They were gold, I thought they were so beautiful , I thought maybe the angels we were told about were not so bad if they could come for something like me, his claws hands reached down for me but I didn’t see his face, all I heard was that I was coming home with him and his name…his name was…”

Acylius held his head in his hands, scrubbing them down his face

“His name was Cruentus.”

When he looked back at where the eyes had been there was only darkness, the demon in the dark had disappeared so quickly he wondered for a moment if they’d even been there.

No, nope, nope, that dream was not real, that being was not Cruentus, it was all coincidence and he was just exhausted, yes that was it, perhaps he should sleep tonight, or maybe he’d snacked on too much of Jake while he was working, or had too many sugary treats either way, it was pies in the fridge and off to bed.

Opening the back door he locked it behind him, ignoring the fact Demencia was chomping on one of the pies, after all she knew what was in them if she wanted to eat it that was up to her, his mind was elsewhere.

“Mmmm you tenderized this one good, Legs, nice and juicy.”

Usually her friend would react to that name, at least grunt or gently nudge her and tell her not to call him that, something was clearly bothering Acylius.

“Legs?”

Demencia asked gently, placing a hand on his shoulder, only for him to turn and pick her up by the front of her shirt, snarling as he did so

“Do not call me that name!”

Looking down at him, Demencia could really see something wasn’t right here, was he remembering something to do with that name, like it had always annoyed him, but that glare, the disheveled hair and fangs all bared …honestly in another situation he would be hot as fuck…alright she was already thinking he looked hot as fuck but this was not the time or place.

Touching Acylius’s face lightly, she watched as his ears flicked, his breathing was ragged, his eyes returning from being solid blue to having pupils and irises again, her hands were warm and comforting and he found himself leaning into them, lips pressed against her palm…she was there to ground him in his bad moments and he could never thank his friend enough for that.

“You mind setting me down you tree.”

Demencia laughed softly.

He carefully set her back down and pulled her in for a hug

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I would never hurt you, never.”

Nuzzling against his chest and wrapping her arms around him, patting his back

“Hey, hey now, none of that you dumb tree, I know you have gaps in your memory, did you remember why do you don’t like that name?”

“Hate, I don’t just dislike that name, I hate it…all I can hear is someone called Vincent and they make me curl up and die, I have no face only a voice, if I ever heard it…I would know…”

Flug was quiet, taking in just how small she was against him, reminding him how small most were against him like this, his talons formed, slowly stroking her hair, playing with the fuchsia overlay, down to her neck where it faded to lime green, such an interesting choice of colours to wear in ones hair.

“You already know I just appeared back into existence, as if the world itself birthed me, I was somewhere forgotten…and seeing Black Hat today, I think…no it is a stupid notion to think he could see me as anything.”

He kissed the top of her head, thankful that she had not let go, Demencia was the one being who never seemed to be afraid of him, who he knew he could trust and rely on in these moments where memories were trying to break through the surface and suffocated when they could not make it.

“I am a Legion demon, no more than a trinket in the end, I am a nothing in his world and I am okay with that, I have a nice peaceful life and a coffee shop just like I always wanted…”

He sat with her on the counter, as she sat on one of his thighs

“This is just a hug, you don’t need more right?”

Demmy enquired, slightly hopeful because who didn’t want to climb him, honestly, he was an idiot for not seeing he didn’t need to be some grand demon to be wonderful.

“Yes, just a hug…I wish I could say I grew up in a loving home with Christmases like in the movies, that I could tell you my life’s story, talk about a time I scraped my knee when I was small and had a mother who put cute cat plasters on me just because I like cats.”

She listened and let him stroke her hair, it’d always calmed him to pet soft things, so perhaps she might use shampoos that were just a little pricier than she’d usually buy simply to make sure her hair was soft for these broken moments no one else saw.

Even though he was not sobbing, made no notion he was crying, the damp warmth on her shoulder told her otherwise.

“I want to tell you the times my Father took me for ice cream, my first kiss with the person I fell in love with, something…anything, but there’s nothing there.”

She listened attentively until he had nothing left to say, carefully taking his hand from her scalp; Demencia held his face and looked at him

“Damn Sillyus, they really did send you back with nothing more than a leaflet.”

“I suppose, but I have so much to thank you for, when you found me on that street, I only remembered enough to get by, to survive, but you helped me to settle into this time and be a part of the modern world.”

Acylius kissed her forehead before pressing his to hers, eyes closed as he whispered

“I’m so tired of being lost, of being unsure of what I am, who I am, I just want to bake, make coffee and kill people in my basement, I think fortune smiled on me for a moment when you found me, I think I might just give you the world if you asked.”

“Awww come on dude, sounds like a love confession here, I have bills to pay off and knew there was a darker side in me, you’re the Sweeny to my Lovett.”

She teased fondly, lightly smacking the back of his head, smiling as he managed a laugh

“I guess I could agree platonically with that.”

“But honestly Slender Man, babe if you wanted to plant your tentacles and leave your seed in me I wouldn’t say no.”

Acylius rolled his eyes and shook his head, using a tea towel to wipe his face

“Honestly woman you are bloody hopeless.”

“Yeah but you love me all the more for it.”

She grinned punching him playfully on the shoulder

“Perhaps I do, but I am not as hot as you like to say I am, I hide my face, I hate when people look at my scars and pity me.”

Demmy raised a brow and climbed off of his leg, flicking his forehead

“I know you like to hide your face behind glamour and tricks but you’re beautiful even if you don’t see it dumbass, I’m starting to wonder what the fuck happened outside that had you coming back in as if someone stole your last apple crown and there’ll never be another one again on the face of the planet.”

She put the kettle on and took out the upside down pineapple cake; this was definitely a cake and tea situation

“First of all, do not say such blasphemous things, life would not be worth living without apple crowns, second of all…I think, I know I said there’s nothing there but I think I might have had a memory about my childhood involving Cruentus.”

Demencia nearly dropped the mug she was holding, setting it down she turned to face him

“Holy fucking shit, you mean thee fucking Cruentus, Hellhound butler, Hell Knight, works for the brooding clearly wants you to nail his ass Black Hat, that Cruentus…ahh I hear he has eyes like the fucking sun.”

Acylius gave her a deadpan look, hands on hips as he stood, looming over her, trying to look seriously only for it to falter

“You Demmy are just horny on main.”

“So what if I am? Gonna call me a slut like my last partner?”

She swatted away his playfully prodding hand.

“No, I never understood why it’s perfectly fine for men to have as many partners as they wish but seen as something terrible when a woman just wants to enjoy her life the same way, society is mad…also no more jokes on Black Hat you wicked beastie.”

Demencia would be lying if she didn’t admit his ability to shift from one mood to the other sometimes made her head spin, but it was clear he’d needed that moment to talk, shrugging she turned back to the kettle

“Alright, alright I’ll behave at least for now, I mean it’s clear the big bad doesn’t want you, how could he possibly want you…even though anyone with eyes could see he kept checking you out and every single coffee you brought him in hopes your stupid number was on it somewhere.”

Demencia couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at his sounds of huffing and frustration and heard him sit at the table, she did know there was stories, legends really by this point of Cruentus having a son, but you literally had to pour through footnotes and any books that might have had more information had been removed from shelves and privatized under the order of Black Hat himself.

End of segment one

(I'll try and type up segment two tomorrow)

#Paperhat #Platonic paperlizard #Mild cannibalism #villainous #Villainous au #Blood #Gore #Coffee shop #Present day

[trouvelle]

I love all your Heizuha contents!!!! Oneshots, drabbles, etc (memes too lol). And your ANGST FICS???? I'M DESTROYED. Just curious, if you are accepting requests, can you write happy shinran and heizuha oneshot? I need something to heal from your angsty AUs 😢😢😢😢💦💦

Hi hello thank you so much 🥺 AH YES HEIZUHA I’m HEART-EYES FOREVER 😍!! My hot-blooded Kendo boi and his Aikido (and Karuta) queen ugh they make me feel so soft. Wait—don’t be destroyed pls omg I have a shinran oneshot first for you right here! And yes it actually is a happy one. Although I gotta say I’m probably even worse at doing happy sappy fluff. But still, I hope you like this! ❤️❤️

Fandom: Detective Conan/DCMK Pairing: Shinichi/Ran Rating: G Genre/Tags: Romance, Fluff Summary: Ran hates being apart from Shinichi. All she wants is to feel his warmth next to her. 

•

Ran is happy to be with Shinichi, even if it means not being physically together and having to survive long distance.

Now she would be lying if she says it doesn’t bother her in the slightest. After they got together and she finds out that Shinichi still has to leave for his ongoing case, her initial thought is that it wouldn’t bother her. She’s grown so used to it by now. It’s not like he’s never coming back, because he always does. After all, they just started dating, and maybe this way they’ll still be in their honeymoon stage for years to come.

They have been doing alright with frequent calls and texts sent to each other. Although she is slightly upset that they can’t physically go out on any dates, hearing Shinichi’s voice always makes everything worth it. She knows she’s going to forget all this as soon as she sees him again.

She does expect Shinichi to be as sad and lonely as she is, but she never asks about it. She doesn’t want him to think that she’s already turning clingy after only a few months into their relationship. And because she is an understanding girlfriend, she never tells him how she feels about it. She has been saying “I love you” more often though, now that she’s more comfortable saying it, which he always happily returned. She never once doubts Shinichi either—he gives her zero reasons to. Besides, they have short meet ups every now and then, and those feel like they are enough for her.

There are certain things that leaves her feeling an extra amount of longing. When she sees couples out and about in the streets, or strolling around the park, or fooling around in the hallway of their school, it breaks her heart a little. She wants Shinichi by her side, to be able to cuddle into his warmth. She wants to walk next to him and hold his hand, to go to the movies and check out cute restaurants.

“I miss you,” Ran mumbles into her mic, only one side of her earphones on. She is lying on her bed, on a call with her boyfriend who is still away, on yet another case. She has to cherish all their calls together because time is all she can afford.

She traces her finger on her phone’s screen, outlining his name that’s currently displayed, yearning to touch him. She can't help but feel disappointed when all she can feel is how hot her phone is. She should probably get a new phone soon. 

“I miss you too. More than words can describe,” Shinichi replies guiltily, sad that Ran is so troubled. He has been trying to ease her pain by sneaking away to call her more often these days. He sees the longing in her eyes, always wondering what he can do for her. He hates it, hates seeing Ran’s face contort into sadness and what seems like disappointment. It never gets any easier. 

If only she knows that they are actually together literally every single day.

“Anyway, how is your day?” Shinichi asked, trying to change the subject to distract her. 

Ran huffs. “Conan-kun left on a weekend camping trip with his class. I’m worried about his safety. They’re elementary students, they’re not supposed to go camping in the mountains yet!”

Shinichi smiles fondly. Yep, he’s definitely on his camping trip all right.

“Also, it is kind of lonely here when he’s not around.” Lonelier, she adds to herself.

“You have nothing to worry about, I’m sure he’ll be okay,” Shinichi reassures, grinning.

“I suppose it’s true. Conan-kun does know how to take care of himself. What are you doing, anyway? Do you have to go soon? Can we switch to video call?” The hope in her voice is unmistakable. He purposely ignores Ran’s questions while wrecking his brain for a believable excuse to not switch to video call. But it is too late, she has already pressed the button that requested for him to accept the call.

Uh oh.

Shinichi curses silently. As soon as their cameras are on, he raises his phone up close to his face, careful to leave the streetlights out of view. “Hi!,” he says, hoping she wouldn’t detect the nervousness in his voice. Ran squints at the blurry screen. She can’t see much, but it is enough to make her whole evening better.

“You know what, Shinichi? It’s okay, you’re probably busy and tired, I understand! Have a good night or morning, wherever you are, okay?” Ran yawns, turning to lie on the other side as she reaches out to switch off her table lamp. “I’m already getting ready for bed anyway. Please stay safe out there. I love you.” 

“NO!” Shinichi yells, before realizing how loud and unnecessary it is. He stops to look around, praying that no one around him is affected by the noise he is making. Ran is decently surprised. “Shinichi, what’s wrong?”

“I, uh, I’m staking out a criminal’s possible hideout. It’s really boring here because nothing is happening so far and it’s probably deserted. Keep me me while I wait?” Shinichi asks sheepishly, belatedly realizing how dumb of an excuse he just gave. Is it even believable in the slightest? “I’m just walking around the place now,” He adds as he quickened his pace. 

Ran yawns but he can see her nodding her head in the dark. “Don’t you have to be aware of your surroundings, though? What if the bad guys creep up on you?”

“You’re right,” he says half-heartedly, not really paying attention to what she’s saying anymore. He’s trying to climb up the stairs as fast as his feet can take him. He is so close.

Ran mumbles something sleepily in return. How she wishes for body heat, but she only had her blanket to make up for the warmth. She closes her eyes, unaware that the line has gone silent. After a few more beats of silence, she hears the front door being unlocked. She sits up, suddenly alert and forgetting about her call with Shinichi. It is definitely not her father, since she can hear his snores very audibly from his room. Is it Conan, coming back from his camping trip a few days early? But—it’s literally the middle of the night, so if it actually is Conan, he has some explaining to do. She tip-toes to the door just to get ready in case it is an actual robber.

As the door unlocks and the intruder enters, Ran’s eyes widen and her hand flails around for the switch to turn one of the lights one as she recognizes the familiar silhouette. It can't be.

“Surprise.” Shinichi is standing there, smiling widely at the sight of his dumbfounded girlfriend.

Ran stares at the boy in front of her for a good while before reaching out for him in a frenzy. “You’re kidding,” she chokes out, wrapping her arms tightly around him, afraid he will be gone again as soon as she let go. 

“I’ve missed you too,” Shinichi sighs, hugging Ran back just as tight. They stand like that, hugging at the door silently, choosing to ignore the fact that her father can very well walk out of his room at any given moment. Shinichi pulls away, frowning, when he realizes that she is crying.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He whispers softly, bending his knees to look at Ran who has her head down. She shakes her head, opting to bury her face in his chest instead. Shinichi run his hands up and down her back, gently kissing the top of her head. “Don’t cry, I’m here.”

Ran looks up, a few droplets of tears streaming down her face. “That’s exactly why I’m crying! You’re back now, for.. God knows how long, and then you’re gonna have to leave me again. Probably in a few hours, or in the morning if we’re lucky,” she cries, sniffling. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Shinichi remains quiet as Ran cries her heart out in silence. Then, he very gently lifts her up, carrying her to the bedroom and setting her down on the bed. “Actually, I have a few days to spend with you.”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re right. And I’m not gonna lie to you, I will have to leave again, but not until Monday. So.. I’m yours for the whole weekend.” Shinichi says, hoping for her acceptance, despite how little he is offering her right now.

“The whole weekend?” Her smile is back on her face at this point. Sounds like she will just have to make the most out of this weekend, then. It’s a good thing she doesn’t have anything yet planned. She wipes the tears off of her face. She can’t waste their time together by crying like this. “Oh Shinichi, there are so many places that I wanted to go with you to!”

“We can go anywhere you want,” says Shinichi. That already sounds perfect to him. Truth be told, any moments spent with Ran were perfect. The Where and What weren’t all that important. Like right now. Even in the dim light, he can see how bright she’s smiling. God, all he wanted to do is stare at her and admire her beauty, amongst everything else.

He hates lying to Ran, although it is done to protect her, to shield her. He will have to lie to her some more, but this time, he does not want to make any more promises he can't keep. “It will all be over soon, I promise. I’ll come home for good.” You’re my home, he wants to say.

She has missed him so much—she missed his voice, his scent, his warmth, his presence. She crawls towards him, unable to hide the overwhelming sense of hope that arises after his declaration. “Really?”

“Really.” Ran can feel the tears welling up again. This time, out of happiness. “It hurts so much to not be able to be by your side.”

“I’m here,” murmurs Shinichi quietly as he reaches out to wipe some of her fallen tears away with the pad of his thumb. “... and I’m always watching.” he adds quietly, wrapping an arm around her as he hugs her to sleep.

Ran nods in silence. She has so many things to tell him, but she is content with just enjoying his warmth and presence beside her for now. Truly, nothing can compare to the homey feeling and the familiarity of being next to Shinichi. She lets him hold her to sleep, his voice a lullaby that carries her out of consciousness.

“I’m always with you,” he whispers, leaning down to kiss her forehead, “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

#shinran #dcmk #kudo shinichi #mouri ran #bc they'd be such a lovey dovey couple and y'all know it #melts with ran at soft boi shinichi #where else on earth do u find a man like him?? #Ran is one lucky girl #no Shinichi is LUCKIER to have Ran #fic

[mysteira6]

FukaFlower - Holding Your Left Hand

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Summary:

She wasn’t gonna let him feel bad for holding his left hand.

Setting: Fukase and Flower are in the same high school grade and are around 17 - 18 years old. Also, they’re already a couple in this one-shot. Read on for fluff, angst and a little sweet moment at the end. ^3^

~*~*~*~*~

Autumn-coloured lamps decorated the streets, surrounding the many stalls by the pathway in a warm-coloured glow. Young adults in ankle-length yukatas and young children with bags of candy and treats in their hands littered the road before them, the small-talk between groups of teens and squeals of delight amongst children filling their ears. Stall owners left and right were hollering customers over, hoping to catch their attention to play their games or buy their fun-coloured snacks.

The white-haired teen blinked at the sight. “Wow,” She muttered. “I know Miku was warning us when she said this year’s carnival would be ‘packed as sardines’, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this… crowded…”

She heard a light-hearted chuckle from the young man standing beside her. “Welp, I guess that’s a lesson learnt,” He said jokingly.

“What lesson?”

As he turned to her, his scarlet right eye sparkled jovially. “That we should actually listen to the ‘popular diva’ instead of assuming that she only talks about rumours,” He noted, another laugh emerging from his mouth.

The thought of that made her narrow her eyes a little. “I’m not so sure about that, Fukase,” She murmured skeptically, shaking her head. “She talks more about gossip than anything remotely useful-”

“But if we had listened to her, then we wouldn’t be caught in this human traffic jam now, wouldn’t we?” The redhead replied, though soon after, he heaved a sigh and shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. “Oh well, we’re here anyway and the night is young, Flower! Hopefully, the crowd will thin out in a bit,”

Despite her initial disappointment of not having a peaceful stroll with him, the optimistic grin on his face was enough to wash her negativity away. Of course he would try to cheer her up like this. After all, this date was his idea, something that he came up with during their lunch hour when all the other students were talking about the upcoming summer festival and how carnivals were being set up in dozens of neighbourhoods. Given that they had just finished their school term, it seemed like a perfect time to start their summer break with a fun little getaway with just the two of them.

Flower puffed in mild annoyance. When Fukase asked her to go to the carnival in their neighbourhood together, she got giddy with excitement as she always was when it came to their dates. That was one of the strangest things about being with him; somehow, he had managed to break down her curt demeanor and unpack her sweet side that very few people saw. All it took was him being a cheerful jokester who not only tried his best to make everyone smile, but also possessed a kind heart to help anyone he could. Funny then, that he would be interested, and eventually fall in love with, a pessimistic girl who was essentially a stoic emotional wall.

Oh well. Life can be that weird sometimes. In fact, what was more weird was that as he talked to her everyday, cracking a joke here and there, Flower found herself becoming more conscious of how she presented herself in front of him. The little things that she barely cared about before gradually took priority in her appearance as he tried everyday to make her smile a little. Smoothing out her skirt and brushing her hair behind her ears were only two of the dozen things that crossed her mind as soon as she heard him talking to her.

Tonight was no exception to her new routine of fussing over her appearance; as soon as she got home, Flower immediately made a beeline for her preppy younger sister, Xin Hua, who was lounging on the sofa and scrolling through the feed on her phone as usual. However, after Flower explained her situation, the cobalt-haired teen quickly placed her phone aside and partook in the giddy excitement that her older sister was feeling. One trip to Sachiko’s yukata gallery and another to Mizki’s hair accessory treasury was enough for the aspiring fashionista to dress her sister up for her special summer date.

“Flower? Flower!” The sight of his bandaged hand waving front of her was enough to snap the short-haired teen back to reality, her violet eyes blinking a few times to readjust her field of vision. “Hey, are you okay?” Fukase asked her, a worried frown inscribed on his lips as he placed a hand on her shoulder.

“O-oh, sorry, I… I’m okay,” She stuttered in embarrassment, slightly ashamed that she spaced out in the middle of nowhere. Her instinctive reaction of looking down whenever she got awkward got her looking at the yukata that Xin Hua had picked for her. It was of a deep violet shade, accompanied by prints of lavender and white coloured cherry-blossoms and outlines of round lanterns scattered across her sleeves and skirt. She had a grape-purple obi tied around her waist to keep her outfit together and Ms Sachiko even gave her complimentary wooden sandals and a hickory-coloured basket for her necessities to complete the ensemble. ‘Cherish your youth’, she had said with a warm smile after Flower had told her the reason for her purchase.

Meanwhile, Fukase chuckled at her quiet response and quietly slid his right hand under her chin, gently lifting her gaze to look at him. There wasn’t an obvious height difference between them (except for a few centimeters that Flower had but Fukase didn’t) but even then, Flower felt rather small under the gaze of his right eye, his left one being concealed under his white eye patch. Having him stand close to her also allowed her to take in his outfit for the night; a muted red yukata with black lines resembling tree branches drawn on its cloth all held together by a thin bright red obi.

“You sure?” He smirked at her like a cheeky devil would, the jokester side of him showing. “You’re blushing, you know,”

His words rooted her to the spot. “No, I am not!”

“Sharp response. I thought you were a kuudere, not a tsundere,”

“I-Does that really matter right now?!”

Her flustered response was met with a fit of laughter from Fukase, his red curls dancing in the air as he shook his head jokingly. “I kid! I kid!” He sang out as he held his hands up as if surrendering. “Please spare me from your silent treatment, Hana-chan~”

She puffed her cheeks. “You’re only lucky that I decided to dress up for tonight and I don’t want to ruin our date,”

“Oh right, I was gonna say,” His expression lit up as he continued. “You look… as pretty as a flower tonight,”

He half-heartedly expected a startled response and was unsurprised when she only snarkily replied: “A pun-related flirt isn’t going to get to me, Fukase,” Of course she’d say something like that.

“Darnnit, that didn’t work as well as I had hoped,” He pretended to be upset for a moment before raising his right hand towards her, cueing the snow-haired girl to blink at him a few times.

“Well anyway,” He began, tilting his head at her cutely. “Now that we’ve been chatting here for a while, I believe it’s about time for us to head down there, yeah?”

She found herself beaming as she accepted his hand. “Yes, let’s,”

~*~*~*~*~

“Come and catch your own kingyo! Only 200 yen to bring one home!”

“Fresh shaved ice and candied apples for sale! Come and get them before they’re gone!”

As their evening continued, the crowd really did grow thinner as most of the younger children were brought home by their parents and some of the teenagers were heading home as well. Since the both of them were night owls on a daily basis, the moon climbing up the sky did not bother them. Fukase’s enthusiasm for them to visit every stall did not falter even as the night went on. Beside him, Flower held tightly to his right hand, a small smile on her face as she witnessed him bring her all around the carnival. She could tell that he was excited for it.

“Are you hungry? We should get some mochi here,”

“I think those pinwheel headbands would look cute on you,”

“Hey, this fruit tea tastes great! Try some!”

Perhaps it was a little selfish for her to say it, but Flower really liked the attention that he was giving her tonight. It wasn’t odd for Fukase to treat her so kindly (he was literally known for being the kindest person for a lot of people) but hearing him talk to her alone made her feel warm and fuzzy inside, a feeling that only he could generate. However, tonight it felt like Fukase’s gentlemanly nature was much more prominent than usual… Was it because they were wearing such fancy clothes?

Whatever the reason was, she didn’t really care about it. After all, who would turn down a kind, pampering boyfriend like him? Even though Flower was slow to understand social norms as a wallflower, she knew enough to recognise that Fukase was kind of spoiling her (not that she was complaining, mind you).

Her train of thought was interrupted when something at a shelf on her left managed to catch her attention, silently motioning her to get closer to the stall with multi-coloured stacks of cans lined up in pyramidal formation behind its counter. She couldn’t take her eyes off one of the prizes at the game stall; a small lavender rabbit with a translucent maroon ribbon wrapped around its neck and a top hat sewn onto its head. Its subtle resemblance to Fukase’s normal outfit was probably what caught her eye.

“Whatcha looking at?” The very person she was thinking about turned his head in the same direction as she was facing, his eyes scanning the game stall for whatever had caught her attention. “Do you see that little rabbit on the shelf?” Flower whispered to him while leaning close to his ear. “It’s kinda cute. I just thought that it looked like you in your coat, doesn’t it?”

The redhead has his eyes trained on the stuffed toy that had caught his girlfriend’s attention. It didn’t take him long to mutter a ‘let’s head over there’ as he brought them both over to the stall, his hand never letting go of her despite her initial surprise. After he forked out some coins for the stall owner, a basket with brightly coloured plastic balls was placed in front of him, the challenge of knocking over all the cans in three hits now laying before him.

“Fukase, you don’t have to do this for me,” The white-haired girl standing behind him said timidly, a bit uneasy that he decided to play this game just for her.

The redhead smiled at her. “But I want to,” He simply said, picking up the first ball from the basket. “Besides, you like that rabbit doll, right?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“Then just sit tight and watch me win it for you!” He gleefully replied as he aimed for the base of one of the can pyramids before hurling his ball at them, nailing a hit on the cans at the bottom for his first throw. The coloured cans tumbled onto the table with loud clatters and clangs as the pyramid fell, knocking down all the obstacles quickly. He grinned at his victory.

“Wow, you got them all in one shot!” The stall owner commended, lightly clapping her hands to his success. “Congratulations! You’re welcomed to choose any prize you want for winning,”

“Any prize?” Fukase glanced over to her as the lady nodded, her satin pink hair bouncing up and down. He soon turned his eyes back to the little rabbit that Flower had been eyeing this whole time, the smile on his face widening. “Can I have the little rabbit over there? The one of that shelf, please,”

“Sure thing!” She replied as she gently lifted the rabbit doll off the shelf and handed it over to him. “Thank you for playing!” The store owner sang out as Fukase received the doll from her, turning back to his girlfriend. Holding out the lavender rabbit doll in his two hands, he smiled warmly at her. “Ta-da! Here you go, Flower,”

Her face shone as she held the doll in her hands, now able to marvel its cuteness up close. It really did look similar to Fukase in his fancy outfit. “Thank you,” She unknowingly broke into a wide smile as she petted the rabbit’s head the same way she did to Point, Fukase’s pet doll. “It’s really cute…” She giggled.

He grinned at her, a warm feeling washing over him at the sight of Flower’s smile. It never failed to make him smile back at her, or to make his cheeks feel a little warmer than usual. Deep down, he wished she did that all the time, but he also understood her take on it; it was better to let her slowly get into the habit of smiling instead of forcing it on her.

Instead, he raised his hand towards her again, hoping to continue their stroll through the carnival until he noticed which one he was holding up to her. In a hasty maneuver, Fukase swiftly relocated himself to be standing on her right side as he offered his hand to her again, disregarding the confused expression on her face. “Shall we go back to the path, milady?”

She giggled again at his formal demeanor. “You don’t have to be so formal,” She quickly packed her new rabbit doll into her basket as she accepted his hand again. Although she was already well aware of his odd behaviour from before, Flower knew better to not bring it up and make him embarrassed.

Unfortunately, the more she thought about it, the more it started to bug her. Especially when she started to realise how often such situations would occur multiple times that night. Upon closer inspection, there was one thing that they all had in common; the fact that Fukase had never let her hold his left hand.

As much as she didn’t want to sound like some prissy girl complaining on their date, the urge to ask him about it was stronger than those worries. “Hey, Fukase?” The white-haired teen began, tugging a little on their interlocked hands to get his attention. “Can I… ask you something?”

He eagerly turned to her. “What is it?”

“Can I hold your left hand?”

The question alone was enough to wash his bright smile away, replacing it with an astonished frown on his face and a startled expression in his eye. His footsteps immediately stopped in the middle of the pathway as his grip on her hand tightened a little. For a while, Flower started to regret asking that question; she would’ve not done so if it meant that she was going to be subjected to him staring at her, downright baffled at her words. Now, she felt as if she was riveted to the ground by his gaze, feeling her heart climbing up her throat as she gulped loudly.

Fortunately for her, he broke their staring contest by turning his head away from her for a bit, his left hand covered from top to bottom in bandages rising up to cover his face. In a low, apologetic tone, he muttered: “Uh, sorry about that,”

She was speechless. “Eh?”

“I know you don’t like it when people stare at you, so… sorry that I was doing that just now.” He hastily apologised before continuing. “A-anyway, why do you want to h-hold my left hand? I mean-! Is there a reason? N-not that you have to tell me, wait I mean-!”

As the redhead stumbled over his words, the gears in Flower’s head started turning. A line of stuttering dialogue from Fukase convinced her that her asking him about it was the right thing to do; in a normal everyday conversation, he would never ever trip over his own words. As far as she could remember, his confidence in speaking has never failed him, only faltering a little whenever Flower managed to sneak a sweet, unintentionally affectionate line of dialogue to him. So to hear him uncharacteristically stutter so much while talking to her normally… Flower quickly realised that something was up.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, Fukase,” She tried to ameliorate the situation, hoping that he wasn’t too embarrassed. “I’m really sorry that I asked it so randomly-”

“It’s not that, it’s just…” He trailed off as his eyebrows furrowed, his gaze shifted to the sight of his left, bandaged, roughly-surfaced hand. A sigh left his lips; he was gonna have to tell her something eventually, so why wait?

“The truth is,” He started, hoping that he didn’t sound too nervous. “No one… has ever held my left hand before…”

“Why?” She blurted out as her curiosity overrode her politeness.

“I never offered it to them,” He explained slowly, gaining a bit more confidence as he confessed to her. “I mean, you know how my hand looks; it’s a mess. And even with these bandages, it’s still really… you know, coarse and rough,”

Flower found herself frowning at the mention of what his left hand really looked like. It called back a past memory of their time together, when Fukase had told her the events that caused him to look as he is now. That day, he even slowly, very gingerly, took off his bandages and eye patch to show her the scars he had hidden from everyone for so long, the damaged side of him that he refused to show in public in the fear that he would be met with disgust and disdain.

But on the contrary to his fear of Flower leaving him, Fukase was embraced by her love and adoration for him, the emotions in her that he managed to call out now being gifted to him instead as some form of mutual bond. In the same way that he helped her break down her emotional barriers, she had helped him overcome his trauma-induced obstacles. It was a relationship between them that nothing in the world could break.

And tonight was just another testament to it, Fukase realised as Flower quickly shook off his hold on her own hand, instead reaching for his left, roughly-surfaced one covered in white straps of cloth. Her fingers brushed across his as she matched them to line up with hers, a small yet ever-so-kind smile on her face encased in her lips. Fukase unknowingly gulped at the sight of his girlfriend looking at him with so much kindness and care, her beauty brought out even more tonight with her neatly combed tomboyish hair and lilac-coloured butterfly pin.

“Fukase,” She broke the silence between them as she whispered softly. “Does it feel any different when I hold your hand like this?”

He averted his eyes at her question. “Well, for me, it feels the same but for you-”

“It’s the same for me too, you know,” She interrupted him gently, shifting her right hand to the side a little as she interlocked their hands together. “I know you’re always worried about how your scars might change how I see you, but… You know that’s never gonna happen, right?”

As soon as she spotted the skepticism in his eyes, she took it as a sign to continue. “Whichever hand I’m holding doesn’t matter to me so long as it’s yours, Fukase. You don’t have to be worried about how you look when you’re with me; I don’t mind any of it at all,”

“ … Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Besides,” She chuckled as she recalled another memory. “Didn’t I already tell you before that I liked your scars?”

“W-well yeah, but…” After baring out the truth to her, the red-haired boy felt unnaturally vulnerable, the somewhat playful tone in her voice making him blush. He still wasn’t used to her telling him that she liked the permanent markings on his skin. For a long time, he hated them and wished that they would just disappear, especially since they were a reminder of that dark side of him. And yet to listen to her words when she said that she liked them… it felt like letting go of a breath of air that he’d be holding for a long time. ‘Because they’re a part of you too’, Flower had told him back then. ‘That’s why I like them’

Meanwhile, the girl standing before him gently pulled their interlocked hands back down, her left hand holding tightly to her basket as she turned back to the path. “I really don’t mind holding your left hand, Fukase,” She reassured him again with a soft smile. “So… let’s keep this date going, okay?”

Flower hadn’t even taken one step forward before she was tugged back towards the red-haired boy, his uncalloused hand cupping her face as he pulled her closer to him. Just like the beginning of their date when he had commented on her blushing cheeks, the snow-haired teen found herself hypnotized by his armour-piercing gaze, his right red eye staring intently at her for a short while only to soften as he leaned his face close to her, closing his eyes and landing his lips onto hers. As her cheeks heated up like red-hot iron, she knew in absolute certainty that she was blushing now.

It seemed as if time stood still as Fukase kissed her, the action and noises in their surroundings seeming to pause as her eyelids slid shut in conjunction to his daring public display of affection, his head tilting slightly to deepen their kiss as Flower mimicked his actions. It felt like hours had slipped by them as they parted from their kiss, the commotion from the carnival returning to their field of vision and awareness.

Fukase’s face was almost as red as his hair as he chuckled lightly, his iconic bright smile back on his face. “Hana-chan, thank you,” His voice was teeming with gratitude as he thanked her. “You always seem to know exactly what to say,”

Flower was blushing equally as much, her wallflower shyness emerging from her. “I’m just being honest,” She humbly replied.

“How in the world did I get a girlfriend as amazing as you?”

“I could say the same for you, you know,”

“Me? What did I do?”

“I mean, how in the world did I get a boyfriend as sweet and funny as you?”

“Hey! Don’t copy my words!”

“But it’s true!”

The both of them laughed at each other’s antics, their hands interlocked with one another as they continued to stroll down the dirt-trodden path.

~*~*~*~*~

A/N: GAAAAAHHHH these two make me soft~ ;-;

#fukase #fukaflower #vocaloid fukase #vflower #v4flower #vocaloid #flokase #fukasexflower #flowerxfukase #ship #vocaloid ship #carnival #festival #date #yukata

[an-actual-angel]

Pretty Baby Chapter 4 & 5

Warning: Smut

Pairing: Connor (RK800) x Reader, Collin (RK800-60) x Reader, Richard (RK900) x Reader

Summary: The year was 2082. 44 Years after the android revolution. Things have turned south for humanity. Androids now rule the world, leaving humans to be considered as mere animals. While some Androids still have a general disdain for humanity some have taken to the idea of keeping them as “family pets.”You, born in captivity, specifically bred to be the perfect pet happen to get adopted by the RK brothers. 

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KOFI

Chapter 4 - Little Trouble Girl

Into the night. The city was still very much alive and awake. Bright lights, passing vehicles, all of the regular hustle and bustle.

The quickest way to get to Emily would be to take a bus. No one would recognise you, you could be an android? No, they all look similar. They would ask questions about your make. You also feared your oversized jacket might make you look suspicious. You had no phone to order a self-driving taxi and payphones were a thing of the past. Androids didn’t need them, they could quite literally call one with their mind.

You had no other choice but to walk, and what a long walk it would be.

You had a rough idea about the general direction you were headed but were not 100% sure. You did think to use the maps at the bus stops that showed the bus routes for directions. Every now and then stopping at them to make sure you were headed the right way.

After a while your feet grew tired, it felt like you had been walking all night. You were still so far from the adoption centre. Your mind had wondered to your owners, would they be angry if they found out you had run away? Would they even notice you were gone?

It doesn’t matter, they don’t matter. The only thing that matters is finding Emily. There were tales of humans in the wild, forming tribe like societies far from the android civilisations. Maybe you two would be lucky enough to stumble upon one.

You didn’t have much of a plan when it came to breaking her out. You hadn’t really thought that far ahead. You wouldn’t be able to just waltz in and take her. You wouldn’t be strong enough to fight off androids or skilled enough to break in or sneak her out. Maybe you could start a fire? You knew the fire safety protocols like the back off your hand. Maybe when the humans had all been taken to the designated safe place outside the building you could sneak her away?

No, it’s too dangerous, too risky. You didn’t want anyone to end up hurt.

The streets all began to feel the same to you. Where you lost? You couldn’t seem to find another bus stop around and to add to that you felt exhausted. Maybe you should find somewhere to rest for the night and start again in the morning.

You would have to be cautious when picking a space to rest. Homelessness didn’t really exist in this android utopia. You would be spotted as a human immediately.

A dark alley behind an android restaurant was your choice. Sneaking behind a large trash can. It wasn’t ideal but it was sheltered. You supposed you ought to get used to sleeping rough anyway.

You rested your head on your backpack and snuggled in close to the black woollen coat you were wearing. Hoping for a better tomorrow, you allowed your eyes to shut.

...

You awoke a few hours later to the sound of heavy footsteps. Before you could think or have time to register the sound, hands gripped at your wrist pulling you upwards. A tall android wearing all white stood above you gripping your wrist almost too tight.

“I got it, Bill.” He shouted looking over his shoulder to another android dressed in similar attire.

Perhaps if it hadn’t of been so dark, you would have noticed the CCTV camera point to the exact spot you chose to lay for the night.

Great, somebody must have called the damn pound on you.

The two androids brought you to the “Animal Centre.” A place for lost and endangered animals and humans alike.

“You should be more careful.” One of them spoke. “A young thing like you, you could get hurt.”

Was that supposed to be helpful? You tried to pull your wrist away from his grip.

“Easy now.” He shushed you while directing you towards a glass cell. The other android, Bill, following behind with a small white device in his hand. The first android pushed you to sit down on a bench like bed while the other gripped your arm. You struggled, kicking and flailing your arms and legs around.

“It’s okay, we’re just trying to check your chip.” The android holding your arm spoke softly trying to calm you. The device beeped as he pressed it to your inner forearm.

Every human was chipped after birth. All your information put on the chip, which regularly got updated. another way of androids to keep tabs on humans.

“We got it. Now that wasn’t so bad huh?” He patted your shoulder, you flinching away from the touch. Both androids walked out of the cell, leaving you inside. It reminded you of being back at the adoption centre, being man-handled and put on display. Again.

“Don’t worry, we’ll contact your owners. You’ll be safe and home again in no time.” Bill smiled and walked away.

Your owners? Oh no.

___

The drive back to the house was quiet. Richard sat in the front seat not speaking a word. The tension, suffocatingly thick.

“Do not breathe a word of this to Connor.” Was all that was said to you upon his arrival to the shelter.

Your stomach was in knots. For some strange reason, you felt guilty. You looked over at Richard, his mouth a thin line and his brows furrowed.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered out, you’re voice slightly cracking.

He ignored you.

“I just wanted to see my friend.” Your shaky voice continued as you attempted to explain yourself.

“Do you have any idea how embarrassing this whole thing is?” He eventually spoke out. “We have a reputation in this city, and if our human is being seen running away…” He trailed off.

“Well maybe if you didn’t ignore me all the time.” You mumbled under your breath while looking out the window. Your fingers tracing over the door handle.

“You know my pet, my audio sensors are a lot more powerful than you would think.” His eyes darted to you.

Your shoulders tensed up as you gave him a guilty look. You felt exposed under his gaze.

“I understand you may be bored but you are being fed and kept safe.” You sighed at his response and rested your head against the car window.

“You can act upset all you want but you are still in trouble. Don’t think you are going to get out of this unpunished.”

________________________________________________________________

Chapter 5 - He hit me and it felt like a kiss

The apartment was empty, apart from you and Richard. No one could save you from whatever act of punishment he decided to give you.

You feared the worst. Was he going to hurt you?

His grip was on the back of your neck, it wasn’t too tight but it was strong enough to guide you to where ever he wanted. With his other hand, he pulled a key from his coat pocket. A key to what exactly? Well, your question was soon answered with him leading you to his bedroom and unlocking the door.

A part of you was excited to finally see inside his room, another dreading it.

What was so bad it needed to be locked away?

Well, nothing apparently… The room looked normal. Well, over the top luxurious but nothing about it was strange or frightening.

The room was quite dim, the large curtains had still been pulled leaving the lamp sitting on his gold-accented bedside table to be the only light source. Your gaze had been drawn up to the abstract paintings that hung around the room. Everything was so immaculate and pristine, perhaps Richard locked his room to keep it in this condition? It was a theory anyway.

You were soon snapped out of your wonderment when Richard grabbed your wrist and pulled you down across his lap as he sat down on his plush bed. His strong hands positioning you to lay just right. It took a while for your mind to catch up to what was going on. You were still partly confused as he pushed your skirt up revealing your ass. You blushed hard as you felt the cool air graze your skin.

Was he about to-?

Smack. His firm hand hit against your cheek.

At first, you were stunned. Did he really decide on spanking you as a punishment? You used to get smacked when you misbehaved as a young child. This wouldn’t be too different? Would it?

Smack. It was a little harder than you remembered, but then again, less force was needed for a child’s punishment.

Smack. It actually was starting to hurt. Smack. You let out a soft whimper.

“After all we do for you…” Richard hissed at you.

“Feed you.” Smack.

“Give you a home.” Smack.

“You will obey.” He smacked upwards against your ass this time, the slight change in motion felt… strange.

“You will show respect.” He smacked you the same way and continued to do so.

You felt, different. This was different.

Smack. You felt a growing fluttering warmth inside.

Smack. Your breath hitched as you accidentally let out a low hum.

It even startled Richard but he shook it off and smacked you again.

A different type of whimper escaped your lips this time.

Richard’s brows furrowed. His LED flickered between yellow and red. It took him a minute before he understood. Oh.

You covertly peeked over your shoulder to figure out why he had suddenly stopped, completely oblivious to the absolute conundrum you had started in Richard’s mind. His hand hovered above your thigh as you could see the look of confusion on his face. Yet he was curious. His LED settled on yellow as he gently stroked his hand over your sore skin. You let out a soft hum to this interaction. Richard’s eyes dart over to your face, you hiding it just in time so he wouldn’t notice your staring.

He gives your ass cheeks as small experimental squeeze. He watches as your body relaxes into him. He is even more curious now. Richard strokes his hands down your legs, exploring the length and moving between your thighs. He hovers just above where your legs meet, almost waiting for permission to further his exploration.

When your hips move up to meet his touch, he accepts this as his invitation. Slowly he pulls down your underwear to your knees, no need to go any further. This is all just an experiment.

His long fingers brushing lightly against your soft folds. He lets out a small gasp at your wetness. Richard begins petting and stroking you ever so tenderly. You moaning against his lavish touches.

The sounds you make, Richard hasn’t heard anything like it before. He never really showed much interest in pornography or a sex life of his own even after deviating. He thought it to be too unnecessary and too messy, too human. But this time, just this once, he allowed his curiosity to get the better of him.

He allows one of his digits to slip inside you. You exhale heavily in return. He pumps it gently inside you before adding another.

You purr into the sheets, still laying across his knees.

He likes the strange sounds you make.

He pumps his fingers into you faster now, allowing them to be fully slicked up. Still being careful not to go too hard against your delicate pussy.

Your mind felt hazy, almost like in a dream, this was new. It was different. It was exciting. What did it all mean?

His fingers curved upwards, touching that very delicate spot inside you.

You feel something building up and up until you are overcome with a new sense of warmth, tingling all over your body. Your muscles flop as you finish your song of moans. You lay still forgetting where you are, until hands grip at you again, this time more gentle.

Richard places you into his bed, pulling the soft black duvet over you. Your eyelids fluttering as you look up at him. His LED still yellow.

“Get some rest.” Was all he said before leaving you alone in his room. His getaway, quick. Was he embarrassed? Should you be? So many questions still on your mind, but your eyes were heavy and you felt overcome with tiredness now. You allowed your head to settle into the feathery pillow.

Your questions could wait till later.

________________________________________________________________

Notes// they're both fuckin virgins lol  Also, this is my first time writing anything smutty so, sorry if it's bad 😅

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#fic: pretty baby #detroit become human #rk800 x reader #rk800-60 x reader #rk900 x reader #dbh fanfic #dbh au #dbh x reader #nines x reader #connor x reader #60 x reader #rk800-60 #my fanfiction #detroit become human fan fic #Detroit: BH #detroit connor

[theawkwardterrier]

things left behind and the things that are ahead, ch. 6

AO3 link here

                                       ____________________________

"Jesus Christ, Drea."

It's not a cell, but the drab office means many of the same things. Steve stays in the doorway watching his daughter grin over at him.

"I thought I had finished with this stuff once Rosie was out of high school," he says, glancing around at the corkboard with its faded lists of policies and rules, a Peanuts comic strip tacked in the corner. "You’re a member of the bar, and you're almost thirty."

"Civil disobedience knows no age limits," Drea reminds him breezily. She stands and he can see in the light of the desk lamp that she is wearing black sweatpants and a plain, matching sweatshirt: burglar casual. (She’s certainly coordinated better than he has. He caught a glimpse in the window on the way in, and bedhead and yesterday’s gardening sweatshirt grabbed from the top of the laundry is not his best look.)

Steve glares at her. "I don't think this exactly counts as civil disobedience."

"Beg to differ, Steve-o." Tony sits up from where he's been dozing on the office couch at the back. "We were perfectly polite - dictionary definition of civil - and we were definitely being disobedient."

"Trust me," Steve says, turning his frown on his godson. "The officers have given me a description about exactly how disobedient you all were."

“Not sure how exact they could have been,” Tony says, trading an amused look with Drea. She was always his favorite babysitter. “Seeing as they don’t know everything.”

“Tony.” Steve pinches the bridge of his nose. “You’re not helping yourself here. You caused trouble on campus, got me up at four in the morning - don’t forget how lucky you are that the phone is on my side of the bed. Your dad’s going to laugh, but let me remind you that your mom never even got a chance to go to college. And Jarvis is turning a hundred and sixty; you’re going to give him a heart attack when he hears about this—”

"And we're definitely sorry for that, sir."

Steve was aware that he was here. The cops had told him, and he's heard enough about Tony's roommate since they arrived at MIT to know that Tony would never attempt a hack without convincing his new best friend to go along with it. But seeing Rhodey curled up against the far arm of Tony’s couch, sleepy-looking and a stranger and young, two whole legs and an ill-considered Air Force ROTC sweatshirt, is bizarre. Steve has known Tony from birth this time around, known him as an infant turned child and now precocious teenager for longer than he'd ever known him as an adult; seeing him is strange only in theory. But Rhodey...

Steve clears his throat. "Luckily for you, things are already closing down before summer term begins so the cops are willing to be lenient and not write up a report on this. Especially because Officer Calloway's daughter just finished class with Professor Carter, and will be getting a very nice recommendation." (Peggy's stint as a visiting lecturer at the Kennedy School last semester had gone well; they've decided to extend their stay in Cambridge through the fall. Which is apparently lucky, with this group menacing their way through Boston.)

"I can't believe you bribed them," Drea says, glee and admonition warring in her voice.

"I'm proud of you," Steve reminds her. "I want to give you every chance to succeed, even when you try to ruin it for yourself with this delayed adolescence bit. Next time maybe don’t take advice from literal adolescents."

Tony says in an injured tone, “Hey, I give great—”

Drea spins to kick him briefly, then brings herself around to face forward again. She stands, stretching, looking sweet and a little young. The chair swivels a bit in her wake. "Thank you, Daddy. And I'll thank Mom when we get home."

"You will," Steve agrees. "So you'll have a few hours to work on that."

"What do you mean?"

"I think some time in here will help develop some real contrition for your actions." Drea's mouth falls open. Tony turns on a glare of his own. "Although, James here seems to be contrite enough already, so I think he deserves to sleep in a bed." Steve opens the door wider and beckons Rhodey forward.

“He’s not wrong,” Rhodey reminds Tony as he weaves around the desk toward the doorway. “You’re the mastermind, remember? And masterminds do the time, not unwilling accomplices.”

“Unwitting,” Tony grumbles to himself, crossing his arms and looking betrayed.

Steve tells the remaining two, "The officers will let the two of you out at shift change tomorrow." He starts to leads Rhodey away.

"You're unbelievable, Dad!" Drea calls down the hall after them. "After all the things Uncle Bucky says you pulled. At least we didn't try to attack a police horse!"

"I tried to sock a cop on a horse," Steve calls back. "And there were extenuating circumstances. It's not nearly the same thing." 

                                        ____________________________

Drea arrives back home just after seven the next morning. Her parents are sitting in side by side wicker chairs on the porch of their rented house on Trowbridge Street, cups of coffee and sections of the newspaper in hand.

"I can't believe you left me there," Drea says as she stomps up the steps. "In a—In a CELL at the MIT police department!"

"It was an office," Steve points out, but his voice is overridden by Drea saying, "Campus police departments are fascist tools full of undertrained staff meant to minimize official reporting and protect a school's reputation, you know."

"Perhaps next time you won't be caught by one, then," Peggy says, trading in the world news for arts and leisure. "Or you can ingratiate yourself to them, work to change them from within rather than fighting against them in such a foolhardy manner."

"The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house, Mother," Drea says, swishing back her hair. She cut it recently into a bob, which she typically keeps sleekly controlled with hair products. Despite the dishevelment from a night spend plotting and then attempting to sleep in a desk chair, the length flatters her face - but it does means that flicking it around doesn’t quite have the effect she intends. She slams through the screen door anyway as she goes inside to change and acquire her own coffee. Steve snorts a laugh very softly into his mug, still practiced from not revealing that his children’s impertinence sometimes delighted him. Peggy raises a waspish eyebrow at him over her paper, too Sunday satisfied to fully glare.

“Well, she didn’t learn to quote Audre Lorde from me,” Steve points out.

“Don’t pretend to be unintelligent, Steven. It’s not at all becoming.” She raises the newspaper again and says from behind it, “And she certainly didn’t learn to get caught from me.” Steve coughs out something that a discerning ear can recognize as “Marseilles.” She kicks him reflexively. The newspaper barely rustles.

He returns to his article too, or seems to. After a minute, though, he says quietly, “It’s good to see her like this. Breaking rules. No boxes. For a while I thought she’d lost that.”

Peggy folds the paper thoughtfully and covers his hand with hers. “At least Tony’s shenanigans are good for something,” is all she says.

The morning is brightening and already warm. The library across the street is closed until the mid-afternoon on Sundays, but there are a few young voices coming from that direction anyway, probably preparing for some event or practice over at Rindge and Latin. Steve takes in the drifting smell of spring flowers on the air and thinks about here and now.

“Rhodey,” he says, nearly to himself. “I still can’t believe it.” They hadn’t talked much on the way out of the station. Steve hopes that he hadn’t seemed too strange.

Peggy understands quickly; if he didn’t know his wife as well as he does, he wouldn’t see the brief flicker as she registers the name, recalls all the information she has on him. “It was strange to see him?”

“It feels like five minutes ago that no one in the world but me knew that there ever would be someone called James Rhodes. Now he’s a college student.” Steve glances up. There’s a wasp’s nest just being built in the porch eaves; he’ll have to remember to spray later. “The future’s coming on fast,” he says, turning the words over in wonder.

“And we shall certainly be there to meet it,” Peggy tells him, and squeezes his hand. She smiles as she finishes the last of her coffee. “But I wouldn’t get so maudlin, my darling. There’s plenty of future left, and I think our children still have a few surprises for us.”

Previous chapters here

#Steggy #Steggy fic #Steve Rogers #Peggy Carter #Tony Stark #y'all I don't know wtf is up with tumblr but they are apparently no longer allowing the ''hr'' html tag????? #I just had to use an underscore underline LIKE A GODDAMN ANIMAL #things left behind fic

[whimsymuse]

Star-Crossed (chapter 1)

➸ “Marry the Prince and save your friend; that was your job, but you refuse to be with someone you don’t love. So, what happens when you fall in love with the wrong person?”

Masterlist

pairing: Taehyung x Reader (slight Jimin x Reader | Royalty AU)

genre: Fluff, humour and angst

warnings: none so far

words: 2,486

Chapter: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight

     When your parents told you the place you were going was a little old timey, this isn't what you were expecting. By old timey, you thought there would just be a lack of skyscrapers and electronic billboards, but you never expected the place to actually look straight out of the Regency era. You half expected Mr. Darcy to round the corner with Elizabeth on his arm wearing his fancy tailcoat and iconic top hat.

     The buildings were mismatched, but shared the cozy small town feel where the architecture consisted purely of wood and bricks. Each building had their respective names painted on wooden panels hanging above their doors. There was also a stark lack of modern technology, but it didn't seem to be because the town was closed off from the rest of society, but simply because their townspeople preferred the simplicity. Even the lamps illuminating the shops had light bulbs that imitated flames and everything was close enough that you could walk or take a short carriage ride to get there.

     You checked your watch. There was still a few minutes to spare before you were supposed to be picked up, so there was no harm in you exploring for a bit, right? Around you there were several shops and carts filled with little trinkets and wares and you just had to see what they had to offer.

     Stepping into the first shop that caught your eye, you were immediately hit with a plethora of scents. The shop was lined with shelves carrying uniquely shaped humidifiers with small bottles of aromas. On a few tables there were even pyramids of handmade soaps, incense and perfume. You slowly and carefully made your way around the shop, not wanting to knock down any displays while also wanting to smell everything the shop had on display.

      There were scents ranging from honeysuckle to forest pine; the entire spectrum from sweet smelling aromas to smokey scented incense.

      You’d just picked up a candle and lifted it to your nose, “Eucalyptus.” You said absentmindedly to yourself before gently placing the candle back down.

      The shop seemed to just be a normal shop, but you couldn’t help but feel like there was something magical to it. You rarely got to see shops like this back where you lived, so maybe it was just that; either way the shop and it's wares kept you hypnotized.

     “Can I help you?” A smooth voice asked, pulling you out of your reverie so suddenly that you almost stumbled over your own feet.

      “N-no, um … I’m just looking.” You managed to stammer out.

      “Alright, well take your time. If you need anything, I'll just be behind here.” The shop keeper said with a polite smile and a nod to his left where you found the counter.

      “Thank you.” You returned the smile, then continued down the aisles, with a faint blush of embarrassment still dusted over your cheeks.

       While peering through the shelves, you tried to focus on the products in front of you in lieu of the embarrassment you felt. And that’s when your eyes land on a basket filled with brightly coloured objects. There was body cream, bath salts, candles and some incense sticks, but what really attracted your attention was the array of multi-coloured rubber ducks that decorated the inside of the basket.

      Did they have kids? You thought, as you vaguely recalled your mother mentioning a toddler and a baby. They would like these, right? What kid didn't like rubber duckies? Plus they're too big to be choking hazards, so it should be fine. They deserve a gift anyways.

      You checked the price, then sighed. You forgot the currency wasn't the same here. So you quickly pulled up the calculator on your phone to figure out the price.

      “Wow, that’s it?” You said slightly surprised, but you weren’t gonna complain. So the next thing you knew, you were hefting basket all the way to the counter.

      “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

       You nodded as you plopped the basket down on the counter before asking, “Do you take card?”

       The shopkeeper gestured to the small machine next to the register and you sighed in relief. The town, though looking like it came straight out of a time machine, still had some of the conveniences of technology, and lucky for you because you forgot to exchange your money at the airport.

      You paid then smiled up at the shopkeeper, who brightly smiled back and it wasn’t until then that your realized he was actually good looking. His hair was parted off to the side, showing off perfectly clear skin and soft features that you envied and his smile literally glowed. How had you not noticed this man before? You briefly wondered, before hastily looking away upon realizing you’d been staring for far too long.

     “Pleasure doing business with you.” He said.

     “Yes, thank you.” You replied quickly, just before leaving with your heavy purchase in tow.

     Back on the streets, you forced yourself to forget the encounter because that was not why you were here. You couldn’t be ogling random people when you might be getting married in a few weeks.

After shifting a little bit away from the window of the store,you decided to stay where you were. The basket was way too heavy for you to lug anywhere else and besides, you would be in this country for awhile, so you still had a lot to time to explore the town.

      As a few minutes ticked by, you noticed the shops around you slowly turn off their lights and close up. You looked at your watch in surprise; it was still early, but you guessed that was just another difference between here and where you came from.

      You swayed slightly on the balls of your feet, looking down the road for approaching cars or carriages hoping that whichever was supposed to pick you up would arrive soon, when you felt a light tap on your shoulder.

      Surprised, you turned around and were greeted by a handful of bright pink flowers being held in your face.

     “For you.” A small voice stated more than asked and you had to lower your gaze to see who it came from.

     “Oh, no it’s fine. I already spent all of my money on this basket.” You said, nodding towards your last purchase.

     The little girl shook her head, “It's free.” she said and your eyes widened in shock.

    “Free?”

     The girl nodded, “It's the end of the day and these are all I have left. Have them.”

      “Are you sure?” You asked, only to have the girl respond by pushing the flowers closer to your face. “W-Well, okay then. Thank you.” You said, gratefully accepting the flowers, “They’re beautiful, do you grow then yourself?”

      “Yup! They're the best flowers in town.” She responded, proudly placing her hands on her hips.

      “I don’t doubt it.”

     You were still admiring the flowers when you heard a voice call your name.

     Before you could respond, the little girl before you bounded past you and curtsied.

     “Lord Taehyung, good evening.” She said.

     You watched as the man who’d just called your name bow back to her.

     “Miss Jane, always a pleasure.” The man replied, in a rather exaggerated manner and you faintly heard a small giggle escape the little girl. “Flower business going well I presume?”

     “Of course!” Jane placed her hands on her hips again, “I almost completely sold out again today.”

     “Marvellous! I'm glad to hear it.” The man said again in his overly happy tone, but you sensed he meant evey word regardless. “Now you must excuse me, but I must be heading off soon and considering the time,” He said while briefly checking his watch, “you should be too.”

     Jane nodded, the curtsied “Good night, Lord Taehyung. She then turned towards you, “It was nice to meet you…”

     “Lady Y/n." The man responded before you could and Jane smiled brightly as she curtsied while repeating your name.

       Hesitantly, you curtsied back, albeit awkwardly, but Jane’s smile told you she was satisfied all the same. After she scampered off, you lifted your eyes towards the man before you as he approached.

      “Lady Y/n, it's a pleasure to see you again.” He said as he took your hand a gently placed a kiss on its back.

       Flustered, you choked on your response “I-it’s nice to see you too...um... Lord Taehyung?”

       Last time you saw Taehyung, you were back home and that's all you called him. Slapping on ‘Lord' felt weird and foreign on your tongue.

     Taehyung chuckled at your seeming discomfort then said, “I guess we can drop the formalities when it’s just us.”

     “Oh thank God.” You sighed with your entire body in relief.

     “Though I have to warn you that everyone else in town is going to be referring to you as a Lady and while you're here you're going to have to learn how to respond appropriately.”

     You bit your lip in nervousness, but nodded anyways. “I expected as much. You really do run things very differently here.”

     “Yes, but I hope you come to like it here regardless.” Taehyung responded, hands still stiffly held behind his back and you sighed.

     “So by ‘drop formalities’ were you just talking about the titles or can we talk like we normally do to each other?”

            “Right!” Taehyung physically seems to loosen up after that, “Right, sorry. Sometimes it's hard to get out to the whole ‘prim and proper-ness’ of being a Lord.”

     “I can only imagine.”

     The two of you make your way towards the car, you assumed to be your ride to his house. Along the way, Taehyung noticed your heavy basket and carefully took it from your hands and you smiled gratefully.

      “So how've you been?” He asked after passing off your basket to his chauffeur- he had a chauffeur?! -and taking the seat next to you.

      “I've been good. Law school was tough, but I’m finally done with it and I managed to land a job that's waiting for me back home. Though, I guess if everything works out here, I won't really be heading home?” You inquired, shooting straight past the pleasantries and getting to what was really important.

      “Right.” Taehyung shifted uncomfortably in his seat, “I’m sorry we brought you into this. I know how hard you’ve been working to become a lawyer and I’m just… I really am sorry.”

      “Don’t be, I’m happy to help. Plus my dream of marrying a Prince out dates my dream of becoming a lawyer so the choice was obvious.” You said hoping to lighten the mood, but Taehyung’s frown only deepens.

      “I know, but you still shouldn't have had to give up your dream of being a lawyer for us. This doesn't even affect you, we should've been able to handle this on our own.”

      “Tae.” You said in a hard tone, causing the man to look up in shock, “I really did mean it when I said that I am happy to help. You have always been kind to me and our families are practically family.” You placed a hand over his, “I promise to do my best to help you guys.”

      Taehyung’s eyes dropped to where your hand rested over his and for a second you could swear you saw him blush, but the moment quickly passed as Taehyung bowed his head.

     “Thank you, Y/n. My family will forever be in your debt.”

     “Don’t worry about it Tae. As long as your mom bakes me Apple pie, consider the debt paid.”

     Taehyung chuckled, “You can have all the Apple pie you want, whenever you want after this and I’ll personally bake it.”

     You recoiled slightly, “I thought you wanted me to help you. I kind of have to be alive to do that.”

      Taehyung placed a hand over his chest in mock offense, “I’ll have you know I'm a great cook.”

      You raised an unconvinced eyebrow.

      “Okay, I can at least bake my mom’s apple pie.” He amended. “Hey, I’ve been practicing!” He tacked on when you still appeared unconvinced.

       “hm…” You tapped your chin in thought, “I don't know if I'm willing to risk it…”

        Taehyung rolled his eyes, “I promise to taste it first if I bake one for you.”

        “But some poisons aren't fast acting.”

        “I’m not that bad!” Taehyung whined indignantly, causing you to laugh.

        “I’m just joking,” You chided, “but you can't really blame me. The last time I saw you in the kitchen, you set my head on fire.”

        “But does that speak more about my lack of cooking skills or the lack of life in your hair?”

        You swatted at Taehyung’s arm for his last comment, “It was my bow! You set my bow on fire then dunked and entire bucket of water on me when you tried to put it out!”

       “Ah… good times.”

       Taehyung cackled when you swatted his arm again.

        The rest of the car ride passed filled with the same banter. It’d been years since you’ve seen each in person, but still you were able to fall back into your usual pace so easily. And while you were happy to see him again, it was a shame you were meeting under such unfortunate circumstances.

In the distance, Taehyung’s mansion? Manor? (You never thought you’d be in a position where you’d have to tell the difference, if there even was one) grew closer and the reality of your situation finally hit you.

“So…” You stared, breaking the comfortable silence that settled over. “After this month I’ll either be married, or your family will lose this place.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Taehyung shift in his seat and his mouth open to respond, but no words left his lips. That was fine. You didn’t really expect him to answer; how could he? He knew it was his family’s fault you were here and under this much pressure. If only he’d been able to handle their financial problems, then you wouldn’t have had to put your life on hold just for his family - for him. He never wanted to resort to asking this of you, but he had no choice and he trusted no one else but you.

“I’m sorry… I really am...” He said, finally managing to string a coherent sentence together.

You took his hands into yours, forcing him to meet your eyes. “It’s okay Tae,” You said with a smile, “It really is okay.”

You weren’t sure who you were trying harder to convince, him or yourself, but either way you steeled yourself and faced forward once more, unconsciously still holding only Taehyung’s hand for support. Whatever happened after this month was all up to you, and his entire family depended on you. You couldn’t back out now.

Chapter: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight

please do NOT edit, copy or repost

#taehyung fluff #taehyung fanfic #taehyung/reader #taehyung angst #bts fanfic #bts fluff #my writing #Star-crossed #taehyung #jimin fanfic #jimin/reader #taehyung/reader/jimin

[jimlingss]

Brass & Strings [9]

Episode 8 - Episode 9 - Episode 9.5 OR Episode 10 Words: 5.2k Genre: Fluff, Humour (?), Slice of Life, Music!Au, College!Au Summary: Have you ever wondered what happens to the mean girl after high school? Where do they go, where do they end up? More importantly, what happens when they get mixed up with the classic nerd that's always too nervous to answer 'no'? Things become a lot more complicated when Kim Namjoon encounters you. They dub you as 'bat-shit insane' and you're not ashamed.  Notes: This part is inspired by this which actually inspired the entire series.

Cr.

[3 Years Ago]

The cold nips at your skin and you shiver in your thin clothes, shaking in your bones while the dim light of the lamp post is the sole luminescence. For a mere moment, a sickening dread washes over you, causing you to become nauseous to your very core. Did he leave you behind?

There’s no way.

But you can’t help looking down the road, teeth sunk into the bottom of your lip, rocking back and forth in your dirty shoes. No. You believe in him. It’s impossible that he’ll go against his word. He won’t abandon you…..

He’s the only one you have left.

“Fucking finally!” You shout aloud, stomping up to the dingy car as it pulls up on the curb.

It sounds like it’s running on rocks, making chugging noises and barely holding on. The vehicle is a stark contrast to the luxurious neighborhood. The boy inside winces when you get in and slam the door harsher than necessary. “Hey! You’re going to break it, brat!”

“Where the fuck have you been?! I’ve been waiting for twenty goddamn minutes!”

“There was traffic, you ungrateful piece of shit! I nearly got ticketed for speeding here. Do I get no thank you’s?!”

“No,” you huff out while crossing your arms, turning your head to look out the window. Your house stands behind the gate and in the middle of your noisy argument, the lights inside flicker on. It’ll be any moment now that your parents will look out the window and realize where you’re going or more specifically, who you’re with. “Just drive!”

The nineteen year old grumbles and shifts the gear into place, leaving the street behind you.

Yoongi doesn’t speak a single word. You don’t either, leaning your forehead on the cool window, staring out at the passing nighttime sceneries and the other cars who are most likely making their way home. No one at midnight would go anywhere anyways, except for the two of you.

“Why have you been so catty?” Your cousin finally pipes up, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

You’d turn on his radio but it’s broken. “As if you care.”

“Just tell me if you’re PMS-ing so I can avoid you for the rest of the night,” he chides in a sassy tone that has you scoffing with a smile.

“Bitch...fine…” Your arms are still crossed but you sit up straight, peeling the bright paint off of your fingernails. “I’m going to run away.”

His eyebrow perks and he steals a glimpse of you before focusing back on the road. “Oh?”

“My parents want me to go to their university or whatever after high school. But I’d rather die than work an office job for the rest of my life or teach damn science to a bunch of dimwits.”

Yoongi chuckles, “yeah...you don’t really fit the whole professor narrative.” As a seventeen year old, you’re already surprised that you made it this far through high school without dropping out or getting expelled. “What are you planning?”

You shrug. “I’m probably going to pack up a suitcase, withdraw like a good few thousand dollars.”

“Where are you gonna stay?”

“I dunno.” You’d never admit it to him but you haven’t thought up all the details yet. “Maybe I’ll take a plane out of this shit ass place and I’ll stay at a hotel for awhile. You know, I hear a lot of wealthy folks like to pay young people to go on dates with them.”

“You’re not pretty enough for that.”

You fake a gasp. “Wow, fuck you, I’m gorgeous.”

Your cousin exits the highway, making a left turn and you know you’re getting closer to where the underground concert is. Sometimes it’s a rock show, other times it’s a rap or dance battle. Nonetheless, you enjoy watching the different types of performances. It’s not exactly your kind of scene but it’s different from the usual classy and high-end places that you frequently visit.

“You know, Y/N…..I actually think you should do music.”

There’s a long silence.

You burst out into laughter, slapping your knee, wiping away the water that wells up in your eyes as your stomach squeezes. “And here I thought we were actually having a semi-serious talk. Thanks, asshole.”

“No, I am being serious.”

For once, you know he’s telling the truth. There isn’t a hint of humour or mirth in his voice and Yoongi’s expression is stern, despite you only being able to see his profile. “I think you should do music.”

You scoff, laughs dying down and he continues, “believe it or not, kid, I’ve heard you play and you’re not half bad. You’ve got a really good ear for this sort of stuff. Running away...it won’t do you any good after a while. Take it from someone who’s tried. You’re better off pursuing something decent and actually building a future for yourself.”

You roll your eyes. “You sound like my dumb teacher.”

But you’re secretly hanging onto every single word of your close cousin. He’s in his first year of university after all, having fought with his family to major in composition. If you attended the same place as him, you’d at least have someone with you. “...do you really think I could do it?”

The side of his lip tugs. “I really do.”

“How would I pull it off? My parents would never let me major in music.”

Yoongi’s smile becomes a smirk and his grip on the steering wheel tightens, completely aware of your manipulation skills that’s only getting better as you age. “Oh, I know you’ll figure something out.”

[Present Day]

It’s not surprising that Yoongi doesn’t pick up. He tends to ignore your phone calls and texts, unfazed when you blow up his mobile device. What is shocking, however, is that he actually seems busy.

Aside from grumbling about how early he has to wake up to head to the radio station, his shitty shifts at the music store, having no direction in composing, then he’s complaining about having less than ten hours of sleep. In other words, usually Yoongi isn’t that fucking busy.

But he always has time to talk to you. He’s always there.

You don’t think much of it until you drop by the music store after a particularly nice date with a well-off, rebellious gentleman. Maybe you’re lucky your cousin wasn’t there. He’d certainly ask questions about who the person in the red sports car was.

His co-worker raises her eyebrows, “There’s been a pretty girl dropping by lately.”

One foot is out the door but you’re paralyzed, turning around. “A girl?”

“They come and leave together a lot. I think they might be dating. Did you not know?”

Okay. Whatever.

Yoongi isn't involved with your business. You’re not involved in his. It doesn’t matter to you.

You shouldn’t poke your nose where it doesn’t belong anyways. It’s a mutual relationship of respect and trust. That’s what you remind yourself except-

“What the fuck?”

“Wh-what’s wrong?” Namjoon is immediately on alert, darting his head around to where your eyes are. Your arm slowly lifts and you point straight at the girl sitting in her seat next to the window. “Jennie?”

The concertmistress is innocently writing notes down into her notebook. She colour codes, draws diagrams and has a pencil case full of chubby highlighters. She studies on her rose gold laptop, no less than a real-life doll in a television commercial. But what has shaken you to the very core, caused Namjoon to become worried and concerned is that-

“That’s Yoongi’s sweater.”

//

It’s unmistakable. The white sweatshirt of the band he followed in high school, the black marker signature at the back that your cousin literally dived on stage for. He had taken you that day, snuck you out of your house when you were fifteen for a breath of freedom and during the last performance, Yoongi threw himself to the keyboard player, some Richard guy that you can’t recall completely.

“Y/N.” Namjoon tugs on your arm, forcing you to halt. “What are you going to do?”

You ignore the harpist, shaking off his grip. The suspicions that had slammed itself inside your skull, that made you follow the concertmistress for the past half hour, it’s all confirmed when your eyes pin to the two people across the street. They’re laughing and giggling to each other in broad daylight. Yoongi almost looks...happy.

But you can’t let it happen. “Y/N!”

Your feet cross and they’re still talking to each other until the violinist turns her head. Then, her mouth drops and her eyes enlarge, soaking in your angered expression. “Y/N-”

You rip them apart, shoving her and she stumbles back. Your arm lifts to send a ricocheting slap across her face, one that’ll knock some sense into the bitch but Yoongi instantly covers Jennie with his body.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He shouts, trying to push you back when you try to tackle her again. “Y/N! FUCKING SHIT! You’re psychotic!”

“Let go of me!” You scream at the top of your lungs when your cousin restrains your limbs but you manage to dig your nails into the girl’s scalp, dragging her hair with you. “You bitch! Stay away from him!”

“The fuck?! It’s none of your business!”

“Like hell it is!”

Jennie sobs out and as she reaches up to your hands, she accidentally scrapes her own nails along your skin. The sensation burns and you give a tug on her scalp. Yoongi’s strength is immense, pushing you away but you kick his shin as hard as you can. He falls down and you roughly grab Jennie by her arm, shaking her and pulling on her hair. “Leave him alone! Go find someone else, you bitch!”

There’s a crowd that’s drawing in, murmurs and phones being pulled out. But before mayhem can truly break loose or the police can be called, strong arms curl around your waist.

You’re elevated meters high, feet no longer touching the ground. “Let go of me!”

Namjoon throws you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and he bows, calm and collected despite your fists pounding on his broad backside. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The harpist begins to jog away from the confused horde of people and your bruised up cousin is left with his date. “Kim! Namjoon! Put me the fuck down or I swear to god-”

“You’ll what?!” He retorts with a huff. “What will you do?”

“I-”

“Don’t you know it’s not nice to curse out loud in public? There are children around. It’s not nice to beat up other people either. You can get arrested for that. Didn’t your parents teach you some common courtesy?”

“Namjoon!”

He finally sets you down at some random park where there aren’t many wandering eyes, two full blocks away from where you originally were. “Are you still mad?”

“Yes.” You spit out, flickerings of red appearing in your vision. Your chest heaves and the bruise at your lip, the scratches on your arm don’t faze you. If Namjoon wasn’t Namjoon, you probably would’ve smacked him already for manhandling you like that and for sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong.

“Use your words.” The dimpled boy commands, putting his hands on your shoulders to stop you from marching back there. “You’re an adult, not a toddler throwing a tantrum. Tell me what’s wrong using your words and not through violence.”

If only it were that simple. You don’t know what to say. There is nothing your tongue can spit out that would make the pain any easier.

“He’s my only family.” You inhale, eyes red and stinging. “Families protect each other. And-and….”

Yoongi is the only one you have.

“I hate her.”

He’s your only family. He was once your best friend as well, the brother and ally that you never had. But you’ve been lied to. You were betrayed by him before. While you looked up to him your entire life, aspired to be just like him...he never once solicited your advice, never once talked to you about his own suffering.

Out of the blue, he dropped out of school and abandoned the one thing that you two shared and loved together, music.

You don’t know him. Not the way you thought you did. Your admiration and the bond you thought you shared was one sided. Now, he was dating your enemy. As childish as it seemed to be upset, every single bone in your body screams out in agony.

“I hate her...I hate her…”

“You don’t.” Namjoon somehow manages to soothe you, dissipating your anger away. The red spots in your perception begin to disappear. “She’s a good person. You and I both know that.”

“No!” You push away the boy in front of you, trying to breathe. His presence suffocates you. You want to feel angry, you want to feel rage. Those emotions are less painful than sadness.

“You don’t get to fucking pretend to be my counsellor and try to make things better! You-...you don’t get to stand here and tell me what’s right and wrong. You don’t understand shit about me, Namjoon! Stop….stop trying to act like you care.”

You’re shaking. Namjoon takes a step forward. Your head downcasts to the ground. The kind boy reaches out to hold your hand in his. Teardrops fall like rain from your eyes, wetting the cement by your feet.

“You don’t know what it’s like to have no one.” Your teeth sink into your bottom lip, sobs crashing through your mouth and you hate how weak you are, how vulnerable you’re making yourself. “Y-You don’t know w...what it’s like to….to be left behind.”

You’ve been left behind.

The people around are scared of you. They’re frightened. You can’t even get anyone to stay without threatening them, without being forced in a setting or in a room. Your suitors only care about your exterior, the smile that you plaster on your lips. They don’t know what your major is or your birthday, your last name - the meaningless things that add up to make you who you are.

They don’t care. No one does.

You have no friends, no family, nobody.

You thought you had Yoongi - you’re wrong.

“I...don’t have anyone, Namjoon.”

Your shivering frame is cloaked by his warm body. His arms hesitantly wrap around you before they settle, tapping your back gently. You’re thankful that he’s holding onto you, allowing your tears to drip from your eyes onto his shoulder. It would be humiliating for you if he watched you break down.

“You have me.”

You sniffle, looking up at the sky to stop your sobs. “That’s not true. I made you stay.”

“No.” He smiles, wondering why it was that you felt so fragile in his hold. “I could’ve left a long time ago but I didn’t. I chose to stay.”

There must be three minutes of silence. Maybe more or maybe less.

Once you’ve calmed down and realized the amount of stares you were getting, children who were snickering behind their hands and shielded their eyes, bitter single folks mistaking you two as a couple, you speak up. “Namjoon.” Your voice is hoarse. “You can let me go now.”

“Oh.”

He releases his arms and you quickly dig in your bag for your sunglasses. Namjoon still manages to catch the redness under your eyes and the swollenness before you shield them away. “Are you feeling better?” He smiles to himself as you clear your throat awkwardly.

“Much.” You cross your arms, beginning to walk again. “Let’s never speak of this again.”

The harpist isn’t sure if he can keep that promise but he appeases you anyways. “Okay.”

//

If you aren’t dynamite, then you’re a ticking time bomb. The mere thought of Jennie standing next to your dear cousin still makes you nauseous. You wonder if this is what it feels like in those stories and movies with the older brother protecting his little sister against his own friends.

But in your circumstances, Jennie is someone you already detest.

“We’re just going to run through a few scales and exercises together as warm up before the conductor arrives. Is everyone ready?” The concertmistress lifts her arms and everyone raises their instruments with her motion. The violins are propped on the shoulder, the percussionist holds their mallets and the bassoonists wrap their lips around their reeds.

A little giggle interrupts the session and a few people turn around. “Y/N?”

You’re on your phone, scrolling through some messages and answering some texts. Your instrument is nowhere in sight. The trombonists beside you lean away from your menacing aura. “Hmm?”

“Are you going to participate?”

“Whose authority are you doing this on?” Your pupils flicker upwards, smile void on your lips.

Everyone puts their instruments down. Jennie drops her arms. “I’m the concertmistress.”

“Huh.”

The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. Your classmates swallow hard, averting their gazes and they can sense the fire that is about it ignite. “Will you participate with us?”

“I will but I’m curious as to why you’re the concertmistress.” You look at your nails, flicking off a speck of dirt under them. Your legs and arms are crossed, sitting back in the seat.

“I-”

“Rebecca?” You take a glimpse of the girl in the second seat. “Aren’t you a better player than she is? You’ve been playing for longer and you’ve had more workshop experiences as well. I see you in the practice room a lot. Do you not feel like you are more deserving of Jennie’s position?”

The girl that was dragged into the conversation opens her mouth and closes it. “I-”

Jennie takes a step forward. “Y/N.”

You interrupt all of them. Rose is gaping at you, having no opportunities to interfere and Namjoon is utterly baffled at your disobedience and rudeness. It reminds him of when the both of you first met each other. You were intimidating, unnerving and sharp, a tongue of venom and words that stung of poison. He wonders where the sweet girl he knew went, if she’s hiding underneath the mask.

“Has no one ever questioned the concertmistress before?” There’s silence as your mirthless laugh echoes across the room. You scan the surroundings and the pale faces of all your classmates. “Like, I haven’t ever seen her practicing. If she doesn’t put in the hours, then is she deserving of her seat? It’s kind of odd now that I think about it. How did Jennie get her position? And why do so many professors favour her? Maybe it has to do with her legs being spread-”

“That’s enough, Y/N.”

You look directly into Jennie’s eyes, locking your gaze onto hers. “You pretend to be all innocent and naive, as if you’re a helpless little girl. But you’re really running behind people’s back, fucking their relatives.”

There’s a roaring gasp. People cover their mouths with their hands to stifle the sound. They look around at each other with widening eyes, a simmer of murmurs filling the background. Jennie nibbles on the bottom of her lip, looking like she’s about to weep. Rose stands up but the violinist stops her. “Y/N. Can I talk to you outside?”

“Are you my mother?”

“Y/N.” Her voice does not quiver, does not shake. You’re slightly startled by the stern tone, unable to believe that she had it in her. “As the concertmistress appointed by the conductor for the past year, I require you to step outside the room immediately.”

A flow of curses leaves your mouth in mutters but you follow her. The door is shut and the pair of you face each other.

“You’ve disrespected me in front of our peers. You disrupted the session, insulted me and disregarded my authority.” Jennie inhales, “I know we have private issues but those are private. You are in a professional setting so act like it. If you want to talk to me, curse at me, hit me then do it. I don’t care. But it has to be after practice. In that room, I am your concertmistress. You must respect the position I am in and if you don’t want to, then you can leave.”

She continues to stare at you and you don’t waver. After a second, you notice her pupils shaking. You decide to be merciful. “Fine.”

When the two of you enter the room, it is dead silent.

//

He pushes his glasses up, staring out the lense to the bustling dining hall. “You look miserable. Is there trouble in love town?”

Namjoon raises a brow towards his friend, Taehyung. “What do you mean?”

The saxophonist grins mischievously in response. “Nothing.”

They both sit down together at a table and the harpist asks the other how he’s been doing. Things have been busy lately and they haven’t been able to keep up to date with each other much. “There are some euphoniums who are thinking about dropping out and there’s a competition soon.” Taehyung groans and moans, hitting his hand on the surface of the table. “I’m the section leader and I have no idea what to do! The stress is eating at me, Namjoon!”

The boy gobbles up his sandwich, faking a sob and Namjoon tries his best to encourage the man. There’s a bit of peace as they both chew and the other conversation next to them reverberates down.

“Have you heard?”

“Oh my god. I was there! Y/N totally flipped out. There’s a bunch of rumours and talk going around now.”

“Jennie’s dating Y/N’s relative, right? What a small world. Y/N’s insane though. She totally went bat shit crazy and Jennie had to pull her out of the room. If I were Jennie, I think I would’ve pissed myself. Y/N’s such a bitch. I hope she gets thrown out.”

“Well I heard that it’s not just any relative.” The girl sips on her juice box. “It’s Y/N’s cousin, Min Yoongi.”

“What?!” They dramatically gasp, huddling closer together in murmurs that are all too loud.

“The Min Yoongi?”

“Oh my god.” The third girl appears confused with a frown, hence the other nudges her. “You don’t know who he is? He’s older than us by two years and he dropped out last year. The genius composer.”

“Didn’t he tell off a conductor and then he was put on academic probation because of it?”

The fourth male student who has joined their group nods. “But it turned out the conductor was actually wrong. The school was embarrassed and they didn’t do anything about it, so he dropped out.”

“That’s cool of him,” one whispers out. “Sticking to his guns like that. I wish I had that much courage.”

“You idiot.” The girl hushes her friend. “It was a dumb move. Now he’s out there wasting his talent. I heard he’s homeless and eating garbage. He should’ve just sucked it up. His pride ruined him.”

“I can’t believe Jennie is dating someone like him.”

There’s a ringing screech. They all turn around, ready to berate the person who scooted back their chair so loudly but then their mouths drop yet again. “Are you done?” More people whirl at the sound of your voice and the gossiping group avoids your piercing eyes, gathering together and shutting their lids tight.

You take a step forward but your arm is held back. Namjoon pulls you away and out of the dining hall, abandoning his lunch and poor Taehyung who is completely bewildered.

“Will you stop? It hurts!” Your lie on his gentle grip causes him to drop his hand curled around your wrist. “You’re so fucking annoying! Stop interfering! Dragging me away from places isn’t cute, Namjoon. Can’t you mind your own goddamn business?!”

The students from different majors and faculties glance over from the shouting but they quickly scatter away.

“No. I won’t.”

“What?”

The wind blows through your hair and the blue sky blinds the back of your eyelids. You wish it was dark out or filled with grey clouds, raining perhaps. The nice weather feels like it’s mocking your existence.

“I won’t mind my own business.” He goes on a frenzy, the most serious expression you’ve ever seen on him. “I care about you too much to not, not stick my nose in your business.”

“Who asked you to care about me?!”

“I don’t know, okay?!” The timid boy’s voice is booming and it occurs to you how much taller he is, shadow overtaking your body. “Don’t ask me that. I’m here asking the questions. What were you going to do back there? Were you going to beat them up?”

“I-”

He retorts in a single statement, “you’re childish!”

You stomp your feet, shocked at what he’s yelled out. “Am not!”

“You are! You’re immature. Are you in high school? Do you know it’s assault?! You’ll be put onto academic probation, thrown out! Maybe even arrested! Everything you’ve worked so hard for will be all for nothing. It’s no wonder your parents had such a tight leash on you. You’re a wild animal!”

It’s difficult to refute him when you’ve never witnessed Namjoon lose it. Your entire mouth fills with cotton and you’re aware there’s some truth to what he’s sprouting. You only manage to scream, “that’s rude!”

“What did you tell me about my hand? You said to me that we become nothing without our hands and here you are, swinging it around recklessly! Fighting people and throwing temper tantrums is not cute, Y/N.” It’s unbelievable how he’s used your own words against you. “You’re an adult.”

You feel like you’re being lectured by your parents. But Namjoon doesn’t waver. His pupils don’t shake. You hate it even more because he’s right.

“Fine. I get it.”

//

“What are you doing here?” Their faces dim and Yoongi immediately covers her. “Go away.”

It hurts to be treated like a monster, like the evil dragon. Your once dear cousin is now treating you like a beast, protecting his princess which in reality is some chick he’s met for about a month now. It’s insulting how he threw family out the window for ‘love’. It boils your blood but perhaps you’re being a bit more dramatic than necessary.

“Are you serious?”

“Well if you’re going to start throwing around punches, then yeah.” There’s a slight tug on his lips as he presses his palm to his cheek. “You scratched up my pretty face, brat. It fucking hurt.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re both experiencing all kinds of pains, aren’t we? But I’m not here to talk to you, dumbass.” You point your finger at the shy girl behind him. “I’m here for her. We’re going to deal with our private matters once and for all.”

He looks back at her for any sign of reluctance and she slightly pushes him away. “It’s fine.”

The two of you walk off together and Yoongi’s left beside Namjoon.

“I’m sorry.”

You spit it out without looking at her, though it’s still genuine. “I-I don’t know what to say aside from that. I’m childish, I know. You’re the concertmistress after all. I was rude and you were right about leaving private matters outside the classroom. I should have been more professional.”

“Okay.” Jennie smiles. “Apology accepted.”

You’re shocked at how easy it was. A frown mars your face. “That doesn’t mean I like you or I’m approving of…” You make a gesture wildly, “whatever you and Yoongi are doing. I still hate you very much.”

“That’s fine too.”

“Why are you smiling?”

“I’m just happy.” She merely says, looking over to the children climbing on the playground apparatuses. “I never thought you would apologize to me. So...thank you, Y/N. I appreciate it.”

You two sit down at the park bench, silence filling the spaces.

You break it with a question. “When did it start?”

The violinist reminisces. “A few days after the charity event. I called him...and yeah…”

“You’ve only been seeing him for a few weeks?”

“Yeah.” There’s suddenly an onslaught of guilt that heaves upon your shoulders. When the relationship was already delicate and new to begin with, you had tried to tear and break them apart. If Yoongi had true feelings for her, you were ruining his happiness.

“Do you like him?”

It’s a foolish inquiry but one you ask nonetheless. “Yoongi?” She hums, “I do. I don’t know if I love him….I guess time will tell. But I enjoy his company and I think he’s brilliant. I’ve listened to his recordings, Y/N. I’ve seen his composition work and it’s amazing. He makes me feel warm and I feel inspired just sitting beside him.”

“Yeah. I know the feeling.” You nod. “Are you...serious about him?”

“I am.”

You lean back, exhaling a long breath. “This is gonna be pretty cliche of me but Yoongi’s my only family. If you hurt him, I’ll probably set out my path to destroy you.”

Jennie laughs lightheartedly to your threat. “Okay. I’ll take you up on that offer.” You match her smile and as you get up, she tugs on your limb. “Friends?”

You scoff. “You wish.”

The both of you still laugh together, having made amends properly. It isn’t like high school where you’ll hold it against her, spread rumours, go out and attack her. You’re an adult now and everyone can make their own choices, bear the consequences themselves. It’s no use brooding about something out of your control.

It feels better this way. Namjoon isn’t wrong. The bright sky isn’t as unbearable anymore.

//

It’s extremely awkward between the two males. They’re standing in front of the music shop, watching people enter and listening to the ringing bell chime when the door opens. As Namjoon coughs, he apologizes and Yoongi waves him off.

“Sooo…” He draws out the syllable. “Are you Y/N’s boyfriend?”

“No!” Namjoon protests with a yelp, waving his hands. “I’m not. We’re only friends.”

“I kind of find that hard to believe.” Yoongi smirks. “Are you really just Y/N’s friend?”

“Y-Yes. There’s nothing going on between us.”

“Then….how did you do it?”

The harpist tips his head to the side, confused on what your cousin means. “Pardon?”

“I find you interesting...Kim Namjoon, is it?” The other man nods and Yoongi continues, “if I’m not mistaken then Y/N’s currently resolving her issues by her own initiative. Of all the years I’ve known her, since we were in bassinets together, I have never seen her take the first step before. So let me repeat my question-”

Yoongi’s irises twinkle in curiosity. “How did you manage to control that barbarian?”

“I..” He stutters, “I don’t really know if you can call it controlling…”

“Treat her well. She’s a lot more sensitive than she leads people to believe.” Yoongi pats Namjoon’s shoulder, looking up at him with a proud expression. His impassiveness is spoiled. “I’m glad she has someone around for her. I don’t think I’ve ever been the best influence or mentor for the kid. She’s gone through a lot as well. Try to understand.”

Namjoon quickly pushes up his glasses up the bridge of his nose and nods, making a verbal promise to.

Yoongi muses that the timid college boy who is naive and innocent is quite clever himself. The master manipulator has finally found her match and neither have realized it.

#bts scenario #namjoon fluff #bts fanfic #namjoon fanfic #namjoon scenario #oh man oh man oh man #that drama

[messygray]

Lucky Charm (not the Cereal)

Under the twinkling stars and the bright headlights, you're my lucky charm, Seo "Saint" Won-Min

The crisp chills of October finally settle into the soft breeze blowing through Saint's fringes as he pulls up into an abandoned parking lot filled with various other exotic vehicles to show. The street lamps are dim and flickering under the dark sky, but the many head lights parked precariously around the venue certainly lighten things up a bit. There's a soft rev of Camila, the Camaro, just before Saint turns the key and kills the engine; almost like an announcement of his arrival- as to be expected.

Not far off, just across the clearing, Saint snickers softly under his breath at the sight of Sawyer and Eric looking cozy on the bonnet of Sawyer's car. Neither of them are regulars with Cruisin', but occasionally Sawyer shows up for the thrill; his loud voice never fails to be heard while cheering on fellow racers. The presence of Eric, however, was rare and always a treat; the mellow man never seemed to have an interest for the illegal street racing life. But that's okay, the former always seemed to keep him busy enough as it was.

The rookie couldn't help but snort softly at the way Sawyer pulls the other man closer, arms wrapped around his shoulder and head resting against his backside and Saint mildly wonders if the high-strung young man had finally grown a pair and confessed his affections- not likely. ("It's not as easy as you make it seem! It's not like you weren't a jumbled mess when you hadn't gotten with your boyfriend, yet!")

They certainly looked warm and fuzzy together. Somehow, Saint finds himself wishing nothing but the best as he eyes the way Sawyer seems to affectionately rub his face against Eric's shoulder- likely mumbling something under his breath as the talkative man always did. They're a little far off for a proper spy. Nonetheless, the rookie leans in to mutter softly in his own partner's direction, "If you look across the clearing, there's Sawyer- the one on the right- and Eric on the left. They're not usuals here, but I figured you'd like to get to know some faces anyway- we'll meet them later. But I warn you, Sawyer's... an interesting character and Eric just happens to be mellow enough to tag along usually. Smittened, I tell you." A soft laugh blows out through Saint's nose at that.

He pauses to scan around the various other clusters of faces- some unrecognizable to even himself, all things considered. He was new after all. Deciding to choose his 'battles' wisely, the next pair of young men he nudges a subtle head tilt at are busy rough-housing with one another- someone shoving his buddy away, only to receive one back like the children they very much seemed to be. And they were, to a degree, Saint supposed.

"Over there's Atticus, he's got the brightly colored pants on, kinda on the ground right now. His buddy in the light grey is Raphael. Don't look at the way Atticus laughs whenever he's with Raph- they're really close friends, but 'tticus can be pretty mean when he wants to be. Same with Raph. They just seem to balance each other enough to get along. Kind of like fire and fire, yaknow?" Saint finds himself rambling, running a hand through his fringes to brush them out of his own face. "Oh- and before I forget, they're both core members here at Cruisin', part of the main racing crew. Atticus is known for scaring the newbies- I would say, me included- and Raph is a total natural no matter the course, nothing keeps that guy from victory, I swear." Amusement with the tinge of awe swims through dark orbs as they turn to examine Casper's expression. Saint leans in quickly to peck his boyfriend's cheek. "You'll meet them soon enough, the night's only just beg- jesus fuck!"

The sound of a palm solidly colliding with the Camaro has Saint nearly jumping out of his skin and the young man whips his head around in search of the origin for the noise. His gaze immediately falls on three men, a particular bucket hat all too familiar.

Killian. With Luca and Harlow linger just behind. The first of the three sporting his signature shit-eating grin as he leans over the trunk of Saint's vehicle. "Christ dude, you scared the living shit out of me just now. Better not have dented Camila or I swear--"

"Chilllll, she's fine and you know it- you're just mad I scared you while you were with your boy, huh?" comes a teasing voice as Killian laughs lightheartedly. The tall man shuffles off the car nonetheless, eyes falling on Casper in the passenger seat. "First time at Cruisin' Club? I gotta say, the rookie's really found himself quite the handsome face to bring around, hm? Care to share with the rest of us?" A sharp tut and the imprint of Saint's tongue against his cheek has Killian chuckling again in amusement, but moving on nonetheless. "I kid, I kid- the name's Killian- but they just call me Kel. I'm the president of Cruisin' Club, welcome and it's nice to meet you. And that's Luca and-"

"Well, well. It looks like you finally made it Casper, surprised to see me?" The playful lilt of Harlow's voice cuts in, much to Killian's visible faux annoyance. He receives a gentle elbow, but it doesn't deter either of the two. "Kinda funny how we just can never escape each other's presence, not even outside of school, huh- did you miss me that much, already? How sweet." there's much mirth in Harlow's usually gentle, honey-like voice, not a trace of malice to be found. In fact, he finds it quite hilarious- how his friend couldn't seem to catch a break from him. Though Harlow could really only blame himself for that- he was everywhere. Quite literally. Reaching over the car, Harlow can't help himself but to hop up onto the trunk and affectionately ruffle Casper's hair. "Welcome to the Cruisin' Club, bub- though I'm sure you're not here to join, are you?"

"Who's racing tonight? Are you, rookie?" The third and final of the trio finally cuts in. Irritable as he sounds, Saint finds himself sticking his tongue out in half-joking mockery, knowing Luca meant well, despite his usually more withdrawn, clipped comments. As if to reassure, Saint reflexively finds himself giving Casper's hand a little squeeze- it's just Luca. Nothing surprising there, though Luca's tone isn't always so abrasive.

"I think Danne's got the first one tonight, but I haven't seen him, so he's probably warming up. And I've got the second- you think I'd wake up Casper, and drag him up here if not for a race?" the young man laughs, quickly holding up their joined hands, despite the whistle from Harlow. "Nah, I definitely got the second- and I'm gonna win it too. There's no way I could lose when I've got my lucky charm."

(A collective 'ooh' and 'ahh' and one fly away 'someone's getting a good railing tonight, I just know it' from the crew has Saint reaching for something in the back to throw at them- an empty water bottle sufficed just fine.)

((They leave Saint with some final wishes of good luck and Killian throwing up a shaka gesture, before heading off. Allowing their rookie to spend the rest of his night with indeed who was deemed his lucky charm.))

#seo wonmin #saint seo #bang sangcheol #sawyer bang #suh kangmin #eric suh #harlow lim #lim hanbin #ji beomseok #killian ji #na kyungsook #luca na #oh changha #danne oh #seaweed #jesus all of my kids are here arent they #oh wait #zhang yong cheng #raphael zhang #han myeongjin #atticus han #aka meet the boys ig #au: cruisin' club

[ims-monbebe]

White Sugar.

As promised! Here's chapter 2. It made me a lil emo to write, but enjoy. And as always feedback is always welcomed and appreciated ( ✌︎'ω')✌︎❣️

Chapter 2: Hold Me Now.

Kihyun's pov 

"Kihyun wait!!" I hear Minhyuk chasing me down the long passage way. I stop to let him catch up. "What was that all about? Who's that guy?"

I smile. "No one really. I met him like an hour ago. I doubt he'll ever come back."

"Shit, I hope he does. He was cute."

"And he gave me $200." I take the money out of my back pocket and show Minhyuk. His eyes widen as he snatches it from my hands.

"Damn?! Do you think he's rich or something?"

I shrug. "Maybe. I could use a sugar daddy."

"If that man was my sugar daddy, I'd never comeback to this hell hole."

I laugh as we get in front of a door. "You're telling me."

"What do you think Shownu wants to see you about though?" Minhyuk shudders at the thought.

"I have no idea." We finally reach my destined door. "I'll find out right now."

"Be careful okay?"

"I will, I'll catch you in a little." I squeeze his shoulder and he only nods. He turns around and begins walking back in the opposite direction.

I hold my breath as I begin knocking on the door. I hear a slight 'it's open' before entering. I let out my breath as I step inside, closing the door in the process. "Kihyun, just the man I was looking for. Take a seat."

I sit down in front of Shownu, my body is shaking as he's puffing on a cigarette behind his desk. I lean back as I look at him. "Kihyun, I see you as a great employee. I see you as the son I never had. I took you in when you had no where to go, I gave you a home, food, the clothes on your back. You wouldn't do anything to embarrass me or my business now would you?" His arms are folded across his chest and I gulp, I only manage to shake my head before Shownu slams his hands on his desk. "I was informed about you and that customer earlier. The one who was rude to one of my men. What an embarrassing person to let inside my establishment. What an embarrassment that was hearing. You allowed this kind of behavior?"

"Well, I only allowed it because he paid a lot of money. More than the average guy that comes in here."

He shakes his head. "You do understand that all the money you get, goes to me right?" He leans back in his chair. His eyebrow raising upward, making his facial expression more piercing than it already was. "Hmm? Kihyun, look at me when I'm speaking to you!"

I immediately look up into his eyes and nod. "Yes sir, I understand."

"Good, now hand it over. Now. Before I get angry. I should be mad at you for sticking up for that disgusting behavior."

I reach into my back pocket and quickly hand him over my mere $200. I feel the tears form in my eyes as he stands up, walking towards me. He towers in front of me, forcing me to look at him. I feel his harsh hand slap me across my face. I instantly reach for my cheek as it's throbbing in pain. I meet Shownu's eyes as his pierce harshly into mine. "If I ever hear that you're disrespecting me, or my business ever again Kihyun I'll kill you. Understand?"

"Y-yes sir."

"Good. Now get the fuck out of here before I really get angry."

I push my body off the chair and instantly run out of his office. I feel the tears streaming down my face as I sprint down the long gray passage way. I hate this, I hate my life. I don't deserve to be here. I instantly collapse against the wall. I slide down as more tears fall from my eyes. I hit the floor and bring my knees to my chest and begin sobbing into them. Whoever that guy was, I hope he can change my future. For the better, maybe he can even change it forever. I feel the tears continuing as I bring my hand to my chest, I clench onto it as sobs rip out. "Soon, but not today. I'm stuck here until you decided to notice that I'm here Wonho."

Wow, I actually feel pathetic for clingy onto the hope of a stranger.

I feel the door that's prepping my body up open. I instantly fall back but I'm caught by a pair of legs. I look up and see Minhyuk looking down at me. I mentally face palm as his expression changes when he notices the tears running down my face. "I-I'm sorry." I whipe my face. "I didn't realize I stopped running in front of your room."

"It's okay Kihyun. Do you wanna come in?"

I only nod as I feel him pulling me to my feet. We step inside his room and he closes the door, making sure to lock it. He sits me down on his bed and sits next to me. He wipes the remaining tears away from my eyes and I slightly smile. "Thanks."

"Anytime. But what happened?" He's examining my face and sees the red mark Shownu's hand left on my face. "He hit you didn't he?"

"It wasn't as bad as other times. He just took the money the pretty guy gave me and it kind of upset me."

"Tragic." Minhyuk shakes his head. "It sucks that we have to live like this. But we don't have anywhere to go, do we?"

"I don't think so. I don't see any place in the world to call my own. But that guy treated me different. It felt like... maybe he could be my new home."

Minhyuk looks up at me. "You got all of that in that short time?"

"He seemed so genuine." I looked down as I picked at the dirt under my finger nails. "But I could be wrong. Why would he want to be interested in a fuck up like me?"

Minhyuk wraps his arms around my shoulder and brings me closer to his body. "Kihyun you're more than what you make yourself out to be. You're strong, kind, smart, beautiful, you literally have everything. Anyone and I mean anyone would be lucky to be yours."

"I guess I just feel all like this because he said he'd take me out. I got excited you know? I've never been on a date. I've never really done anything. When we were in that room he didn't even mention anything about sex. Nothing. He just asked me questions about me."

Minhyuk's eyes widen in surprise. "What?? Really? That's crazy. No wonder you're all hung up on him. I'd be too."

I laugh as he signals me to lay down with him. I curl up on his side as he wraps his arms around me. "I hope I see him again. It doesn't even have to be soon. As long as we cross paths again in this life time. I think I'll be happy if we do."

Minhyuk smiles as he closes his eyes. "Don't loose that hope then. Always hang onto it. And if it's meant to be, you'll find each other again but for your sake I hope he took your offer for Saturday seriously."

I laugh as I begin to shut my eyes. "Thanks Minhyuk for always being here for me."

"What are best friends for?" He says in between his sleepy yawns.

I smile as I feel sleep take over my body. I wish to be this content in my life all the time. "I guess to listen to someone rant."

"Did you even get his name?"

"Hoseok, but he said to call him Wonho." I smile. "What a strange person huh?"

I look up and hear Minhyuk snoring quietly. I lay my head back down and cover us with his blanket. "I know I don't tell you this often but thanks for being my best friend." I whisper. "You've been the only reason why I push on with myself. I'll give you the world you deserve someday."  I turn off his lamp and close my eyes. You never realize how tired you are until all the lights turn off.

-

Wonho's pov

Later that same night.

Time: 4:30 A.M

Location: Jooheon's loft, downtown Seoul.

"Come on man, just stay here. Don't drive. We can keep drinking!"

"I don't know." I look down at Jooheon. "I'm already drunk."

He cracks open two more beers and hands one to me. "Even more reason to drink, you have nothing to loose!"

I look at his extended hand but find my body sitting down. I shake my head as I snatch the bottle from his hand. "That's more like it." He pats my back. "Now tell me where did you disappear to earlier tonight? Did you get laid or something?"

I laugh as I take a sip of my beer. "No. Nothing like that. I just checked out this club across the street."

"Oh... that's boring." Jooheon's voice sounds disappointed.

"Yeah but I met a nice guy. He seemed cool."

"Oh yeah?" Jooheon is looking through his phone?"

"Enough about me, why didn't you bring all of any those girls you had with us? You're telling me you had all these girls but didn't manage to bring one back to fuck? I'm disappointed in you tonight Jooheon."

He laughs lightly. "Well, after you left me for the time all their boyfriends came. Like how was I supposed to know they had boyfriends? So, when you came back I was too lazy to look for more girls. So that's why I'm not getting any pussy tonight."

"Well, if it makes you feel better you got me." I wink at him.

"Go to hell Hoseok."

I laugh. "Anyways, where's Changkyun?" I look around for his roommate.

He just shrugs. "Not sure. I asked him to go out with us tonight but he said no. I think he met a girl or something because he'd never deny a night out."

"Yeah, you're right. I hope he's just being careful out there."

"He's a grown man Wonho, he can take care of himself."

"I've known him since he was young okay, I see him like my little brother."

Jooheon laughs. "What happened to Hyungwon? Didn't you invite him too?"

"Yeah, I did. But he had to DJ at some party tonight."

"Why didn't we go?" Jooheon raised an eyebrow.

"I think he said it was like a sweet 16."

"So, I'd like to get cake."

I roll my eyes at Jooheon. "Well, that's just what he said."

"We'd probably have more girls with them. Either way. It's Friday. We'll probably go out again tomorrow. You in?"

"Sure. I guess it's better than watching dramas at home alone."

"Those two dick heads better come. I love you and everything but you were not being a good wing man."

"I know." I look at the bottle of beer in my hands. "I had other thoughts in my head tonight. I'll be better tomorrow. I promise."

"Good, if you screw up one more time you're not invited to go out with me anymore."

"You don't mean that."

"I know, but maybe just one time I won't invite you as punishment."

We both laugh as we continue to drink our beer. Jooheon gets up and stretches his arms out. "I think I'm gonna call it a night. You know where everything is. Help yourself."

"Thanks man, goodnight."

He waves off and heads to his bedroom. He leaves the door slightly open and I sigh. I lean my head against his couch and close my eyes. "Yoo Kihyun..." I whisper to myself. "Yoo Kihyun... I hope to see you soon, Kihyun."

#I hope you enjoyed! #Kiho #Monsta X #wonho #kihyun #shownu #Minhyuk #hyungwon #changkyun #jooheon #I.M #fan fiction #fanfic #kpop #till next time readers 👋🏽 #I was listening to block b's hold me now while I was writing it and decided it fit well aa title lol

[artificialqueens]

TROIKA (Trixie/Alaska feat. Katya) 1/9 - Spoky

A/N: And so it begins… @veronicasanders & @fryshook, Ta, mates.

Summary: You can’t choose who you fall in love with and sometimes it’s inconvenient; it’s challenging, cumbersome, difficult and pushes you in directions you previously thought impossible. This is a story about negotiating love when everything you thought you knew about family, relationships and sex proves to be insufficient.

TROIKA

May, 2015

Boystown was supporting its regular Saturday night buzz. Brian had seen two bachelorette parties before even reaching Halsted street and a boy in a purple tank-top had tricked him into accepting a flyer for a new massage parlour in Chinatown. The address was on the same street as Kimski, the odd Korean-Polish fusion restaurant Kim liked to visit hungover. Brian folded the leaflet and stuffed it into his rear pocket as he turned right from Newport avenue and continued his way to Roscoe’s.

It was surprisingly warm for early May and he’d been wandering around in the streets of Chicago, making sure to arrive fashionably late to avoid the line. He crossed Roscoe street with couple of quick leaps and lifted his hand as a thank you to the cab driver that had slowed down to wait for him. Muffled music was echoing from the bar as he reached the familiar red telephone booth next to Roscoe’s Tavern and took notice of the small but surprisingly diverse group of men who had gathered to smoke next to it.

“Hey, dude,” one of them approached Brian as he passed. “You don’t happen to have a lighter?”

“Sorry,” Brian said and shook his head apologetically. “Don’t smoke.”

“Worth a shot, thanks anyway,” the man said, shrugged and turned back to his friends as Brian proceeded to the entrance.

“Ticket and ID?” the bouncer asked in deep bass and Brian paused to find the VIP wristband Kim had given him earlier. “Isn’t that Trixie?” He could hear one of the other guys drawl as he searched through his wallet. Where had he put the damn thing?

“Who’s Trixie?” a deeper voice asked and Brian chuckled as he pulled the silver paper wristband out of his wallet, flashed it to the bouncer with a half grin and pulled his sleeve up to put it on.

“You know, the Barbie from Drag Race, with the weird makeup. She was eliminated yesterday, again.”

“Look, babe,” a new voice joined the conversation. “I promised to come to see this show with you, alright? But that doesn’t mean that I actually care.”

Fair, Brian thought, and refreshing. Maybe he could date the guy? He was tempted to turn around and take a better look.

“But she’s famous!”

“You the Barbie?” the bouncer chortled at Brian as he extended his neck to look at the crowd standing couple of feet away. Clearly amused, he brushed over his thick moustache while eyeing the men behind Brian.

“I’m afraid so,” Brian admitted quietly and lifted his wrist up to show that he was appropriately tagged for the party. He tried his best to insinuate with his eyebrows that he didn’t want to deal with the Drag Race fan behind him.

The bouncer got the hint.

“Well in that case,” the man joked and opened the door, “Welcome to Roscoe’s!” he announced as he pushed Brian inside, closing the door behind him. The guy who had recognised Brian as Trixie had no time to react.

Brian shook his head at the encounter as he stepped into the crowded bar and studied the familiar space; the red walls and dark wood, the ugly lamps that reminded him of cracked in half egg shells hanging from the ceiling. Choices. The staff had yet to take his advice to reduce the random, and apparently steadily growing, selection of paper decorations that hung above the bar in faded rainbow colours. Stepping into Roscoe’s felt like coming home. A home you were about to sell at a severely reduced price after a messy divorce, but home; and it was crammed with interested buyers.

Brian glanced around. Roscoe’s was never this packed when the local Chicago queens performed, and Trixie would probably never attract a similar audience, but it was nice to dream. He wiggled his way to the bar between the warm bodies, muttering off-handed apologies and trying not to step on anyone’s toes along his way. He could feel people getting annoyed at him and someone shoved his shoulder, trying to hurry him along. As he finally reached the bar top and sighed in relief, he heard an amused snort at his left.

“Don’t get your hopes up. The twinks are not here to make money.”

Brian glanced up and was faced with a hefty, older man in a light blue shirt. His bushy grey eyebrows were drawn into an annoyed frown and he was tapping his debit card against the bar with steady slow clicks.

“Sorry?”

“The staff,” the man said and pointed at the other end where the young bartenders had gathered to watch the performance.

Brian rolled his eyes and stretched his neck to see the stage himself. Jinkx Monsoon stood tall in her heels and carrot orange curls as she dragged the final note of Creep before thanking the audience that roared in appreciation. Brian also caught a glimpse of a pink banner above the stage; the clearly hand painted cursive “JUSTICE FOR TRIXIE” causing the corners of his mouth to curl upwards in approval. Alaska and Jinkx clearly knew their audience.

Brian had seen pictures and videos of Alaska’s shows previously, but this was the first time he witnessed one of her Trixie-banners in person. It made him feel somehow appreciated, as if an older sister, who you knew would fucking murder you if you stepped into their room without permission, was standing up for you against The Plastics. It was nice to get some recognition and while Trixie Mattel would never be crowned America’s Next Drag Superstar, watching Alaska step onto the stage and take over the entire bar with her mere presence was enough to convince Brian that the crown, and the title, were not everything. There would be other opportunities, other platforms.

Someone tapped him lightly on the shoulder and he turned back to the elderly man on his left. The man was holding a drink and nodded his head towards the bar.

“Turns out, they do want to get tipped.”

With his Coors Light finally in hand Brian found a spot in the audience, readjusted his trucker cap and laughed at the joke Alaska Thunderfuck had cracked on the stage. She really was brilliant and sometimes Brian thought she should’ve won season five, but maybe America just hadn’t been ready for yet another freak show after Miss Needles? He took a sip of his beer and frowned at the two girls that were leaning to each other, crying dramatically.

“I can’t believe we’re actually here!”

“I know, we’re so blessed and this is so amazing. I love her so much and I hate that they’re not doing a meet‘n’greet but, like, at least we – hey! Are you listening?”

Brian closed his eyes briefly, reminded himself that the monetary value of a dollar bill from a whiny straight girl was equal to the dollar bills from everyone else, and concentrated back on Alaska. Her long blonde, bird’s nest of hair, her black paper dress and the magnificent voice that cracked on purpose, making the audience laugh. Brian had to wonder if the queen ever took singing seriously. As the number ended and as Alaska disappeared backstage Brian watched Trannika Rex take her place. It was good to be back in Boystown, surrounded by familiar faces. He turned to walk back to the bar, only to be interrupted in mid step by none other than Shea Couleé.

“Girl!” Shea drawled her greeting as she pulled Brian into a loose hug. “Good to see you!”

Brian couldn’t even remember when he’d last seen the queen. It had been way too long.

“Well, you know. If the other RuGirls take the risk of being seen with you, I figured I could too,” Brian said and blew an air kiss in the direction of Shea’s left cheek, carefully avoiding her makeup.

“Don’t start, Firkus,” Shea chuckled. “You know you can’t keep up.”

Brian knew it to be true and gladly moved to a safer ground. They exchanged some newsworthy updates on who was dating who, who was getting most gigs and what was going on in the Chicago drag scene in general. Brian had just avoided a question about Drag Race when Shea was called back to work.

“You should come backstage,” Shea invited. “The others would love to see you.”

Brian hesitated. He knew that at some point he would have to get more acquainted with RuGirls beyond his season and he really wanted to catch up with the Chicago girls, so as Shea pulled him along, Brian gave in. It would be better to get over his insecurities right now, before he would actually have to work with the famous queens, which was actually a real possibility. The thought of it still freaked him out slightly.

Brian stepped into the dressing room one step behind Shea and was immediately introduced to Jinkx and Alaska as Trixie Mattel. He stayed for the brief and required pleasantries, but quickly made his way to the safety of his old friends as the other two RuGirls kept joking back and forth in Golden Girls references.

“Are they always so intimating?” Brian asked Shea, causing the queen laugh loudly.

“Says the clown currently on Logo,” Trannika snorted. “You’ll be equally intimidating in no time.”

“Doubt it,” Brian said and shivered. He couldn’t imagine Trixie becoming as famous or successful as Jinkx or Alaska, hell, Trixie hadn’t made it to even top five! He would be ever so lucky if he could land some more gigs for a while and make enough connections to find a well-paying job behind the scenes of the industry. That way, he wouldn’t have to worry about money and could continue drag as a hobby. He glanced back to Alaska and Jinkx, and concluded that while they played the same sport, Alaska and Jinkx had established their place in the Major League, while Trixie still dabbled with the minors. Quite literally, if one looked at her fanbase.

Kim’s dress emergency interrupted Brian’s train of thought and he followed in slight amusement as Shea rushed to her bag for some safety pins before the fabric could tear further.

“Anyone got translucent nail polish?” Kim asked, holding the fraying chiffon with pursed lips.

“What?” Brian asked, turning at Kim with knitted brows. What did she need nail polish for?

“Yeah,” Alaska interjected from the other side of the room. “I think I do.”

Brian was surprised that Alaska had listened into the conversation and felt a little self-conscious that she might’ve heard his earlier comments as well. He watched her find a half used 15ml top coat nail varnish from her suitcase and hand it to Shea, who snatched the bottle with a cheerful “Thank you”.

“See,” Shea sneered, looking down her nose at Brian as she passed. “That’s what we call professionalism. Take notes, honey.”

Brian spread his hands in an exaggerated ‘What the fuck’-gesture and raised his brows at Shea, his mouth open. “What did I do?” he asked, bewildered.

“It’s more about what you didn’t do,” Kim explained as she offered the fabric to Shea to fix.

Brian snorted and rolled his eyes while taking a sip from his beer. He was often the butt of the joke for Shea and Kim and as Trannika was still staring at her phone, he wouldn’t get any help from there, either. He was also suddenly very aware of Alaska in the room, even if she had returned to her conversation with Jinkx. They were talking about their previous show together and how they should throw more shade at their season five sisters.

“- still bitter about that,” Alaska laughed brightly. “She really wanted to make it to the top.”

“Oh honey, she can top me,” Jinkx cackled, sending Alaska to a round of giggles. “Top me until I’ve had it-” she waited for Alaska to pick up the cue, “- officially!” they roared together.

Brian chuckled quietly at their antics and followed with curiosity as Jinkx sighed, getting a little somber.

“Seriously, though,” she said, looking at the floor. “I hope she gets over it. For my sake.”

Alaska nodded at the statement and placed her hand on Jinkx’s knee in comfort. “Another drink?”

The suggestion made Jinkx smile and she turned to the Chicago queens.

“Ladies!” she announced brightly, catching everyone’s attention. “Cocktails, anyone?”

“We’re up in a minute,” Kim declined, nodding to Trannika, who was still on her phone.

“Yeah, like five minutes ago,” Trannika corrected and Shea and Kim turned to her swiftly.

“What?!” they chorused in panic. Trannika gave them a tired look over her phone, cocking her eyebrows mockingly.

“Jesus fuck,” Shea laughed in relief. “You got me.”

Trannika rolled her eyes and dropped her mobile into the bag that was lying in her feet.

“We do need to go, though,” she added and started to walk towards the stage, pulling Kim with her.

“Cosmos or Margaritas?” Shea asked and got up from the floor while rolling the nail polish bottle shut. She walked to Jinks and handed the borrowed item back to Alaska with another “Thank you”.

“I’m feeling adventurous,” Jinkx smirked and got up, hooking her arm around Shea’s. “Let’s get something new!”

Shea grinned widely and took a step towards the exit. “I know just the thing,” she said cunningly and looked at Alaska. “And you, mam?”

Alaska chuckled and shook her head.

“Her loss,” Shea snorted and lead Jinkx out of the dressing room.

Brian stared after the pair and took yet another sip of his beer. He decided to believe that his half full bottle was the main reason why he hadn’t been included in the invitation, rather than Shea just being a shady bitch. It was probably both, and he sighed in frustration. He was extremely aware of the silence between himself and Alaska and browsed his collection of appropriate small talk topics. He got nothing, though, and the silence stretched; he couldn’t think. It was getting more awkward by the second. He blamed it on the alcohol and Alaska’s intimidating aura.

He cleared his throat and stood up. “Right, then,” he said, intending to come up with an excellent but probably obvious excuse to leave. I’m tired, work tomorrow, long day, you know the gist, or something along those lines, but before he had time to come up with anything remotely acceptable, Alaska asked him a question.

“When did you start doing Trixie?”

Brian blinked. Of course! That’s what you talked about with other drag queens, drag! Why hadn’t he thought of that?

“Umm,” he said frowning. When had he started doing drag? Why had he started doing drag? What was drag? Before he could sink further into his existential crisis, he took a seat at one of the stools nearby, hoping that the position would calm down his nerves.

“I was eighteen and needed to like, fill in for this guy in a play,” he said, trying to remember the details. “I guess it started from there.”

Alaska nodded and Brian blinked. Oh, right. It was his turn to ask something. That was how conversations worked.

“How about you?”

Alaska chuckled. She took a better position on the sofa and kicked off her heels, wiggling her toes in relief as she launched into a long explanation about her fascination with drag as a form of performative art, but also as a medium to explore gender and connect with people in the gay community. Brian started to slowly relax as he listened to her talk and soon realised that he was nodding along, agreeing with a lot of things Alaska was saying.

“-and you never make enough from just tips-”

“Tell me about it-”

“-right, exactly! And it was just fun, you know-”

It was interesting how quickly Alaska made Brian feel at ease and as they eventually branched out to different topics, Brian suddenly realised that he was having an actual conversation with the Queen Supreme; a conversation beyond the conventional drag-lingo and trade-talk laced with pop-culture references. The discussion was actually more along the lines of a drunken Uber ramble about emotions and the purpose of life, but neither of them were plastered, which made the situation ever so slightly more absurd.

“It’s not that I don’t want to get ‘married’,” Alaska explained, putting actual quotation marks around the word with her fingers. “I just don’t see why we need to call it marriage. I’m all for stable, loving, equal relationships and rights. I just think we need little more imagination over what is family, and what kind of relationships work within the community.”

“But if someone wants that? A monogamous, committed relationship with kids and a mortgage?”

“Well that’s their choice,” Alaska agreed, nodding, while removing her makeup with some wipes. “I just think that this obsession with marriage has left a lot of other important issues undiscussed and that it leaves out a lot of queers who don’t, like, fit into the system,” she continued and pulled a tight, black t-shirt over her head, serving average Joe gay club realness.

“So, you’re saying that they don’t deserve to be stoned to death for not leading STD-ridden pink fluffy flamboyantly homosexual unicorn lives?” Brian asked, raising his eyebrows in fake outrage as he threw a bottle cap in the air and caught it, as if ready to throw it at the next offensively hetero gay-guy that stepped into the room.

“No!” Alaska shrieked a laugh and leaned to the dresser for balance. The way Alaska laughed, the total surrender to the feeling as her knees bent, her mouth opened and her eyes formed two feline lines made Brian smile. It was was contagious, the way in which she laughed, gasping for breath, voice slightly higher and a lot more hoarse than what Brian would’ve expected. Just looking at her struggle through made Brian want to do it again, to say something funny to keep her entertained. The feeling was similar to the one he’d experienced with Katya, but while with Katya he felt more like an equal, that they were laughing together, making each other laugh, with Alaska it was definitely him that made her laugh.

Alaska got up and dropped her knee high boots on top of her suitcase while still trying to calm her breath. She stepped closer to Brian, slightly too close to Brian’s liking and as he was about to lean back she extended a long, slender arm towards him.

“Justin,” he introduced himself. “Nice to meet you.”

Brian took the offered hand and gave it a firm squeeze. “Brian.”

Justin’s skin felt cold against Brian’s and he was surprised to realise that Justin’s hands were actually bigger than his. Alaska looked so small and gangly on stage that Brian had managed to forget that underneath the makeup and hairspray there was actually a man with testosterone boosted bone-structure.

“I know,” Justin smiled and Brian realised the handshake was getting slightly longer than what was necessary.

The comment took Brian by surprise and he had blurted out a “You do?” before he had time to catch himself.

Justin chuckled, finally releasing Brian’s hand and leaving behind a tingly feeling that Brian promptly wiped against his thigh.

“I looked you up, was kinda hoping you’d make it to the top.”

“Aww,” Brian drawled, “I bet you say that to all of the girls.”

He took a sip of his beer and hoped his blush wasn’t showing despite that he could feel his neck and cheeks warm up. Justin grinned in response, shaking his head slightly before he suddenly extended his hand to Brian once more.

“Come on, Barbie doll, let’s go dance!”

Brian blinked. It had been almost two hours since the show had ended and without a meet and greet most of the overly fanatic fans had probably disappeared. Jinkx had left the venue without problems thirty minutes ago, but Brian wasn’t sure if it was the wisest decision to go dance in Roscoe’s tonight. The possibility of the evening turning into an unorganised, free meet and greet was a little too real.

“I dunno, man,” Brian hesitated. “Like, I’m in, but do you, like, do you think they’ll actually leave you to it?”

Justin pursed his lips and let his hand fall back to his side. Brian could see the man was disappointed and for whatever reason felt like he needed to fix the situation. Fortunately, he knew the perfect place if one wanted to shake off some race chasers.

“Ok, wait,” Brian said, swiping out his phone. “I’ve got an idea.”

Seeing the hopeful smile rising on Justin’s lips made Brian feel better. He found Shea’s number from the contact list and lifted the phone to his ear. Luck was on his side and the queen picked up after one short ring.

“Hey, yeah- Look- Look- Listen! Can we leave Justin’s- Alaska’s, stuff in the backroom if we grab a cab to Rogers Park?” Brian asked and lifted his hand up as a sign for Justin to wait as Shea made some enquiries.

“Awesome, thanks girl,” Brian ended the call with a wide grin. “I know a place.”

*  *

A cab ride from Boystown to Rogers Park on a Wednesday would’ve taken a quarter of an hour, so Brian wasn’t too upset when the taxi driver pulled next to Touché just twenty minutes later. Justin insisted paying and stepped to the street, clearly excited.

“A leather bar?” he exclaimed seeing the crowd at the entrance and stared at Brian his mouth open. “Giiirl, you don’t look like the type!”

Brian slammed the cab door closed and turned to Justin, raising his eyebrows as if offended. “And what type is that?”

“You know,” Justin grinned and gave him a quick once over with a shrug. “A little Green Acres.”

Brian flipped the tall queen the finger and sneered before turning towards the bar, only to realise that the line consisted of women, only women.

“Shit,” he swore and glanced at the poster at Touché’s window. Of course he’d picked the only lesbian night of the month to drag Justin out of Boystown. What now? The only viable option seemed like Dino’s but he’d never been in the damn place. “I’m sorry, man, I think it’s a ladies night.”

Justin glanced at the line and pursed his lips.

“They’re a little more lax at Jackhammer tonight.”

Brian turned to the woman smoking nearby and noticed her Touché staff t-shirt as she smiled at Brian comfortingly.

“Yeah?” he asked, renewed hope lighting his face.

“Yeah, because of us,” the woman snorted and nodded towards the poster. “Worth checking out at least” she finished, eyeing between them. Brian was sure she had concluded Jackhammer wasn’t really their scene, and she was right. It wasn’t.

“Yeah alright, thanks,” Brian nodded and pulled Justin with him as he started to walk down Clark Street.

“Jackhammer?” Justin asked, taking a couple of leaps to catch up with Brian.

“Another leather bar,” Brian explained, adjusting his red trucker cap. They would never get in dressed like this. “Come on, let’s try.”

Brian turned right at the first corner and walked to the surprisingly short line. As they reached the door the bouncer gave them one look before an assertive: “No.”

“Come on, man, we’ll go straight down.”

Brian didn’t know what had made him volunteer Justin for the experience of the Hole without any preceding consultation, but as he bouncer lifted his eyebrows in challenge Brian got more determined.

“Please?” he asked, tilting his head at the man. “We just came from Boystown and Touché is seized by horny lesbians.”

The bouncer rolled his eyes and opened the door reluctantly. “I don’t want to see you upstairs.”

“Roger that,” Brian nodded, grabbed Justin’s wrist and pulled the man inside.

Jackhammer catered to a totally different audience from Roscoe’s. Instead of superfluous Axe deodorant and stingy cheap hairspray, from the moment you stepped into the bar you could smell the mixture of testosterone-laden sweat, dried up alcohol and rubber.

Brian led Justin left from the main bar, towards the narrow metal stairs that lead down to the cellar, or like most affectionately referred to the place, the Hole. There was a man in a full rubber body suit and knee high boots guarding the entrance.

“You need to strip,” Brian said to Justin, who raised his eyebrows in question. “It’s a fetish thing. Leather, rubber, sports gear or underwear,” he explained and started to unbutton his shirt.  

“You’re joking,” Justin said through a laugh, eyeing Brian in amusement.

Brian just raised his eyebrows, gave Justin a tired look of a ‘Really girl?’ and opened his fly.

“I take my earlier statement back,” Justin smirked as he pulled his top off.

Brian decided not to point out that he rarely visited Jackhammer, the Hole even less. He’d just wanted to get Justin out of Roscoe’s and Touché had popped to his mind. He hadn’t had any initial intentions to take Justin anywhere near as adventurous as the Hole, and if that made him vanilla, or ‘a little Green Acres’, as Justin had put it, so be it.

Without respecting Justin’s commentary with a reply, Brian proceeded with his undressing. He tried not to stare too much as Justin stripped down to his purple Calvin Klein briefs and revealed the narrowest hips Brian had ever seen, decorated with an admirable bulge underneath. Brian was suddenly grateful that his own checkered boxer shorts hid successfully, not only his chubby butt but also his averaged sized genitalia.

They stuffed some money into their shoes, following the lead of the men lining up in front of them, and deposited their clothes before stepping into the sparsely decorated cellar.

The air felt heavy as the crowd moved with the music, the volume leaving some room for conversation. At their left there was a man strapped to a Saint Andrew’s cross and a strong bear was spanking him with a crop as he moaned for the crowd’s entertainment. At their right, the space expanded to another room and a dark hallway. Brian could smell the sex.

“Drink?” he asked Justin who was taking in their surroundings, his lips slightly ajar. Brian could see Justin’s breaths getting shallower and his eyes clouding with admiration of the amount of exposed, naked skin. Brian smirked at Justin’s reaction and concluded that he hadn’t made a completely wrong judgment call by bringing him here. He grabbed Justin’s wrist once more and pulled him to the bar, trying to avoid the sweatiest bodies, intentionally brushing against some of the attractive ones.

“Two Jack and Cokes,” he ordered without checking Justin’s preference and felt a hand on his shoulder. He started to turn but halted as he felt Justin’s lips on his cheek and pulled back after the accidental collision.

“Becks Blue, if they have,” Justin said, licking his lips and Brian could feel his warm breath against his cheek. He nodded, but as he turned back to the bartender the man had already disappeared.

Brian didn’t come to the Hole often because Josh, his promiscuous ex, did. Like Justin just moments ago, Josh had also referred to Brian as vanilla at their first encounter. Brian didn’t necessarily object to the observation but neither did he understand why one might accept a leather harness and a rubber suit but disapprove of a pink, tulle dress or a pair of size 13 stilettos in the wardrobe. Obviously, they had eventually broken up for more pressing reasons than preferred play outfits but ever since Brian had avoided Jackhammer. The bartender was back and placed two plastic cups in front of them.

“And a Becks Blue,” Brian completed the order. He could feel Justin’s hand slip away from his shoulder and turned to look.

Justin was leaning back, looking at his left with slightly squinted eyes. He licked his lips and raised his chin to reveal and bring attention to his neck and prominent collarbones. The sight made Brian’s cock twitch and it wasn’t even him that Justin was cruising. The fact that Brian was leaning against the dirty bar top to get them drinks as Justin was getting eyefucked by a stranger made Brian simultaneously annoyed and jealous. Annoyed at his own insecurities – he’d never picked up the art of cruising – and jealous of the fact that Justin had already set his eyes on someone. Brian downed half of one of the drinks in his reach to calm down his reactions; the arousal as well as the peeking jealousy. Then the bartender was back and placed a bottle of Becks onto the bar top. Brian blinked at the silver label that red “alcohol free” in bright red and chuckled at the absurdity that Alaska Thunderfuck was sober. He turned to Justin, placing his hand on the man’s waist.

“Here,” he said and handed him the bottle. “You don’t drink?”

Justin smiled in response. “Not excessively anymore, no,” he said and took a sip.

“Come on, Barbie, let’s dance.”

Dancing in the Hole is a little different to dancing at Roscoe’s. There is a real chance that the couple next to you are fondling each other’s dicks that might, or might not be hidden by their jockstraps. It is not unusual for someone to grab your ass in admiration or to reach out to feel your biceps at passing. If you make your way into the dark hidden corners, you can witness slow blowjobs and leather daddies getting rimmed. Alternatively, if watching is not your thing, you can partake to a discussion of the contemporary political climate or Game of Thrones while getting fucked to the rhythm of Air’s Sexy Boy.

The Hole was definitely not the most conventional of queer spaces and as such, it was a little out of Brian’s comfort zone. Surprisingly enough, Justin seemed completely at ease as he surrendered to the beat.

*  *

An hour or so later, Brian stepped out of the bathroom, drying his wet hands on his boxers, and made his way back to the bar for his third drink. He’d left Justin in the crowd three songs ago, but figured the man could handle himself for a little while longer. Having learned from his earlier mistake he avoided touching the bar top as he waited for the bartender and suddenly felt a large, warm hand on his waist.

“It’s hard to get your attention.”

The voice was definitely not Justin’s.

Brian turned to look and took in the short but beautifully built man. Large, dark tattoos covered his well-formed chest and shoulders and there was a clear appreciative glimmer in his gaze as he studied Brian.

“It is?” Brian asked and wanted to smack himself. He sounded like a lost cub on his first night out in the BearCity.

The man smirked and nodded as he stroked Brian’s side. Then he leaned closer, as if going to whisper something, but halted midway before backing away. “I’m sorry,” he said squinting his eyes. “Didn’t realise you were taken.”

Brian blinked, confused at the way in which the man took a step back, his warm hand disappearing from Brian’s waist, only to be replaced with a lot colder touch.

“No harm done,” Justin drawled and pressed his entire upper body against Brian’s side as he wrapped his right arm around Brian’s shoulders.

Brian felt like an outsider following the situation and couldn’t quite get to the bottom of it. Was Justin seriously cockblocking him right now? He threw an annoyed glance at him and opened his mouth but didn’t get a turn to speak up as Justin crashed their mouths together in a clumsy, forceful kiss.

Brian froze, staring at Justin cross-eyed. His heart was hammering in his chest and he didn’t know what to do with his hands, which left them hovering in mid air. Justin had closed his eyes and while Brian was pretty certain the man was not in a regular habit of hooking up with his colleagues, Alaska did have a history of RuGirl kai-kai. Brian had dismissed Justin as a potential hook up, despite their light flirting on the dance floor, which Brian had at the time dismissed as a show for the other men. Additionally, Brian hadn’t thought of himself as Justin’s type the slightest. Now, however, he felt the need to reconsider. Maybe Justin really was into his midwestern single-dad aesthetic? Brian was just about to open his lips, wrap his arms around Justin’s incredibly narrow hips and pull the man closer, when Justin stepped back.

“I’m sor-”

Brian didn’t let him finish but tilted his head and brought his lips gently back against Justin’s, pulling the man firmly against him, chest to chest. He could feel Justin tense and hold his breath as Brian traced his lower lip with his tongue. Brian’s heart was pounding, making him slightly dizzy and he thought he’d misjudged the situation completely as Justin dithered. Well, fuck. But then slowly, almost shyly, Justin parted his lips and leaned into the kiss. He smelled of cigarettes and tasted of stale beer, neither of which made it to Brian’s list of favorites things, but the way in which Justin’s slimmer frame pressed against him and the way in which his hold got stronger, rougher; and particularly the way in which he trapped Brian’s lower lip into gentle bites at times, those Brian might add to the list.

The kiss ended with Justin pulling his head up and pressing his forehead against Brian’s as they tried to calm their breaths.

Brian didn’t know what to say or where to go from there, his hands still wrapped around Justin’s waist; their bodies pressed together, Justin’s cold fingers in Brian’s neck. He could feel Justin’s arousal against his thigh and licked his lips, not quite certain if he himself was responsible for it, or if it was the Hole and the men in it, possibly even just the atmosphere. He had to say something, though, preferably before the silence between them got too awkward.

“What were you going to say?” he asked.

“Oh, um,” Justin hesitated and bit his lip, refusing to meet Brian’s eyes. “Nothing.”

Brian swallowed. Justin’s body language revealed that ‘nothing’ had definitely been something , but Brian had no way of knowing what and asking again was out of the question. So he decided to ignore the uneasy feeling the situation left him with and was about to turn to the bar to get his drink, determined to ignore, and eventually hopefully forget, the entire encounter when Justin surprised him yet again.

“Do you- Umm… Do you wanna get out of here?”

Despite his shock, or maybe because of it, Brian nodded.

*   *

The hotel Justin was staying at was nicer than what Brian had expected. The walls were white and the floors wooden, and while there was a lot to be desired from the receptionist that kept sneering at them as they had waited for the elevator, at least the flowers at her desk were real.

The silence between them had moved beyond awkwardness as neither of them had volunteered to break it since the second cab ride of the night, both choosing to enjoy the silent sexual charge; the brief moments their eyes met as they caught each other looking, wondering what the other was thinking, imagining, hoping for – wanting .

As the elevator finally reached the seventh floor, Brian glanced at Justin who gave him a look of pure lust over his shoulder before leading the way.

It took Justin two tries to get the key card to work, but when it finally did, the opened door seemed to release something raw, something previously restrained. He grabbed Brian’s collar and dragged him inside with a lot more force than what Brian had anticipated from a man his size and as their lips met in the darkness, Brian could taste Justin’s cigarettes.

Ignoring the foul flavor, Brian fumbled the wall for a light switch but failed as Justin pulled him further into the room and pushed him on the bed. Straddling his lap, Justin proceeded to open his shirt and groaned into his mouth through hungry, rushed kisses. There was determination and emergency in Justin’s movements and as he thrust a condom and a travel sized lubricant at Brian, Brian paused.

“Fuck.”

Brian didn’t realise he had sworn out loud before Justin stopped and looked down at him, perplexed.

“What?” he asked out of breath, straddling Brian’s lap. “What’s wrong?”

Nothing was wrong, per se, and Brian bit his lip. How the fuck hadn’t Justin picked on any of the cues? How in the name of Lucifer and the seven fugly dwarfs had Brian failed to convey his preference to the man? Surely, surely, he didn’t come across domineering enough to fool anyone? Or maybe he did? Jesus fucking Christ on crutches. Who even wanted anal sex drunk? Admittedly, he himself did, but after he’d yielded to the fact that his only possible hook up for the night was none other than Alaska Thunderfuck out of drag – not that he was complaining – he’d contented himself with the upcoming frottage and blowjobs; two bottoms could still have fun, no?

Brian swallowed and looked up at Justin. He looked confused and Brian wondered if he could pull it off. He could just simply keep his mouth shut and go with it, because he was really hard, and because he really wanted to come, and it wasn’t like he didn’t know how to top, and now he could see Justin picking up on his train of thought… Shit, he would have to act quick.

“Oh,” Justin noted, realisation dawning on his face. “You prefer to bottom.”

It wasn’t a question and to Brian’s surprise, Justin didn’t sound entirely crestfallen. He grinned apologetically, because what else was he supposed to do?

“Okay…” Justin drawled and scratched his neck. “Not my first pick, but not a deal breaker either.”

Brian’s brain did a similar movement to a Toyota Corolla that hit a semi-truck going 70 mph on a highway.

“Huh?” he asked, pulling together all the remains of his abused intellect.

Justin chuckled through his nose and grabbed back the condom, as well as the lube, and smirked.

“Not a problem, honey.”

Brian blinked at the attitude change and before his intoxicated brain could fully register what was happening, Justin had gotten off of him, pushed him up on the bed, kicked his legs apart and was leaning over him to kiss him hungrily. Brian had heard rumours of versatile bottoms but had never encountered or experienced one, therefore assigning them to the category of a “lovely but completely false gay culture myth”. Tonight, however, as Justin proceeded to fuck him through the mattress, Brian secretly appointed himself as the gay Jamie Hyneman.

___________

A/N2: Liked it?

#spoky #troika #trixie mattel #alaska thunderfuck #katya zamolodchikova #fluff #polyamory #rpdr fanfiction #alaska x trixie #poly #canon compliant #rare pair

[bluebirdontherocks]

When I met the devil, when I met God

He circled the block a third time, lost, trying to figure out how he can get out of this loop. A guitar case in his hand, all he remembers is walking for over an hour. Every time he circled around east, looking towards the glowing Sears Tower, he has an urge to walk towards it. But from where he stood, it seem like a long journey.

He goes around the block another time, her face appearing over and over again. A vivid image of a woman in her bed, smile on her face, eyes piercing through his. He sees her; windows opened, wind blowing through the apartment making the curtains flow, and the sun lit up the bedroom shining a golden hue.

The streets of Chicago was filthy that night. Glass bottles everywhere, ticket stubs laying around. Another festival, another night. Group of kids on one side of the street, and a commune of homeless people on the other. The boy remembers being one of those kids. Glow sticks around his wrists, loudly and proudly singing songs he’d just heard from a band he’d just met. The glory of being 20 and untouchable.

He stopped and sat down by the curb, everything illuminating like stars. The street lamps seem to narrow down towards the tower. Lighting up eastwards a strange yellow. It was almost sickening, the lights, but at times it glowed like heaven.

The image came back hitting him harder and harder each time. Same flickering film playing over and over. Blue walls, white window pane, flowing white curtains. The day was beautiful. He couldn’t make out what was outside. All he felt was a sensation of serenity. The girl, she had the face of an angel. But her eyes seem lifeless; sad, tired, damaged. She’d smile and quickly reclaim her composure, pursing her lips, looking away, brushing her hair back. Blanket over her legs, wearing nothing but a white T-Shirt. In that short moment he felt joy and pain. Euphoria bursting through his chest, but quickly sinks back in leaving his heart aching.

He paces his breath, reminding himself he’s on drugs. He told himself over and over again that he’s on drugs. None of that is real. No matter how clear he’s seeing her, how strong those memories felt, he could not, for the life of him, remember this woman.

“Breathe. Just breathe. In and out. In and out. Breathe. Just breathe.”

He picks himself up and walks himself east. He was by the intersection of Jackson and Racine. An empty parking lot to his left, a dance studio to his right. He’d just thrown up at the parking lot. He thought this might be it. This might be rock bottom. This must be what it’s like to see the end of the tunnel; to be so close to the edge he thought he was looking at the end. Just a hole that spirals downward into blackness.

But it was the drug. He knows it’s the drug. As soon as he pulls his mind out of the haze he remembers his life. A rich brat spending money on drugs and booze and cigarettes. He remembers his childhood and all he watched and learned about vices; how they can kill you; how you can fall into a dark rabbit-hole that keeps you falling deeper and deeper. But he remembered when he was fifteen, the death, sadness, and heartbreak. All the darkness that was inherently existing in his reality. He remembered why he toked for the first time. Even knowing the risks and understanding the problems, he toked anyways. It was such a quick escape. All his insecurities, his worries and woes, him and her, they all just leapt and jumped out of the window.

His legs wouldn’t stop. It kept going like a wind-up toy. Each leg moving, cycling round and round. “1 step, 2 steps, 3 steps,” he couldn’t keep up the numbers. He thought if he counted each step, his mind would stay straight. Just for a little. Enough time for him to figure out what he needs to do. But each count was lulling him back to her. Who is she? Where is she from? It must have been a movie. She must be an actor. People can’t create a face out of nowhere. Maybe it was a person he met. But the clearest thing he can grasp wasn’t her, but the feeling during that moment. He knows it’s not real, but he questioned his confidence. Everytime he saw her smiling back at him, it wasn’t happiness he felt. Everything he saw was beauty. But all he felt was gray. Like a cloud drizzling over him, leaving him empty and lost. Maybe if he took another one he’ll see more.

“Hey my man, can I ask you a quick question? Now I’m a homeless man and I’m just looking for anything that can help, sir, if you can do me a favor and just spare me any change would be wonderful.” He takes out all change shaking in his pockets and scrambled it to the man. “Thank you sir, bless you.” He avoided eye contact. All that was running through his mind was all the possible scenarios that could’ve gotten this man to the state that he is in.

At one point this man was just like him. Just a happy-go-lucky twenty-something. Doing the same stupid shit any kid can afford.

What went wrong with him?

What went wrong with this homeless man?

“Young man, are you alright?”

“I can’t talk. Leave me alone.”

“Been there kid.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t say that.”

“Believe me boy, you’re standing on the edge right now. I remember the feeling. It was like seeing beyond anything real. The feeling like you know something greater than this. But you don’t kid. You don’t.”

The homeless man followed him down several blocks until they passed Greektown. He stopped at a bridge atop the freeway. He watched as the cars raced by underneath him. The homeless man, few steps away, stopped next to him, leaned on the railing and looks at him.

“Got a cigarette?”

“Yeah, Reds okay?”

“Reds will do fine.”

They lit up the cigarettes and started smoking.

“You see, what’s happening to you is kind of a...controlled poisoning, if you will. Each tab you take, your body shuts down a little bit.” He looks at the man, cigarette in his mouth, smoke out the nose. Fuck this guy know about anything. Why is he here? “Now, you’ve heard of all those stories about near-death experiences. People say they see a glowing light at the end of a tunnel. They float through it like a cloud. Everyone they loved and lost waiting for them.” He pulls smoke in, and breathes it out. “Scientists say a cocktail of chemicals in your body gets released making you feel a sense of euphoria. That’s how they explain these images happening.”

“So, what? The drug is killing me. I get it. They teach us that in school.”

“Put it this way. Imagine the near-death experiences were more than just imagination, or memories. Imagine if those people saw the real-deal. The life after this. This drug basically gives you a portal to the otherside man.”

He took a minute to try and process all this. Death, afterlife, drugs. He thought the man might be right. A drug that pushes a person’s physical state to the corner of death. No, it was almost like standing on the top of a well, looking into the eyes of death. In this well he saw the nothing pulling everything in. Life, light, happiness, sadness. All of that. He saw how silly everything was. All the fighting, the yelling. Everyone just wants one thing. To be acknowledged that they exist. They fight over insignificant things, like money, land, property, people. The little details; the little spec of dust relative to world, just because they need someone to prove to them they matter. They exist.

But to exist isn’t to be. Everybody exists. But we all want to be.

Be what?

Be something that burns brightly, and eternally.

The world spiraled into an insignificant dot.

It was so simple. He saw it. It was peace. Nothing. No fight. No pain. No joy.

No love.

But that’s impossible. All he could see was that scene with that woman.

The homeless man finished the cigarette and threw it on the ground, stepping on the cherry. He turned around and began walking back to where he stood. He turned his head and looked at the man. A smile, a wink, turned the corner and disappeared.

“You ready?”

“Yeah man, been talking about it for a while.”

“You sure?”

“Quit asking. Give me the tab.”

His friend handed him this little thing to ingest. They swallowed it and sat there waiting for it to kick in.

“So how long until we feel the effects?”

“The guy told me 30-40 minutes.”

“Shit.”

“Graduating now, right?” His friend chuckles a little.

The mood became a little more somber. He looks at his friend, and his friend looks back. Neither had a smile on their faces. They almost seem nervous. But it was more than that. He knew and his friend knew. They both knew how serious this drug was. Supposedly, it could change lives, for better or worse.

“We’re really doing this huh?”

“Thanks for coming with me buddy.” He knew the possibilities. In 6 hours his brain could be completely fried. Who knows? Maybe he’ll begin understanding the insanity that runs in his family.

He never met his uncle for that reason. A man so crazy he threw money out the window, crying over a married neighbor. Ever since he was a child, he knew his uncle was somewhere locked up.

But is it so crazy? Unrequited love does something to a man. Like his fight wasn’t enough for a woman. And that’s not to say a man shouldn’t fight for what he loves. He remembers fighting for a girl. He remembers spending all his time to be with her. He remembers running to her when she cried. He remembers her telling him none of it was enough. That his efforts were wasted because she met somebody else. Someone else who just popped up, and swept her off her feet. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe he should’ve done something else; said something else; do something to make her realize his love was enough. Maybe he should’ve listened to his friends. Don’t show her all your cards. Don’t become vulnerable. Let her become wooed by your ego before you let your ego be wooed by hers. A woman need to want you before you want her.

What the fuck.

He sat on his couch with his friend when everything began to sink in, literally and figuratively. It was like everything around him became him. He felt every particle in his body, every atom, every heartbeat. The trees and the leaves moved accordingly to the sounds that he hears, echoing constantly and consistently.

“One, two, three,” everything rings outward lessening each cycle, loosening all the thoughts, all the rules. The colors faded in grayer and grayer. It all starts black, then white, then blue, then red, then yellow, then light. Everything light.

“One, two, three,” everything circled into one.

It started with three. Anything that means a damn thing starts with three. You don’t have competitions for two. As for one, that’s just sad. Then there’s nothing. Then what?

What?

“What do you mean, what?”

“What? Why are you yelling?

Why the fuck are you yelling?

Why am I yelling?

“Why?

Why what?”

then life.

Existence is a loop peeling itself over and over and over until the pieces become an unrecognizable mess. All the stories we’ve heard in our lives is all just part of one large narrative that creates meaning for life, or is just there to amuse and confuse people. He realize people were just particles that crave to interact with each other, whether negatively or positively.

Everything. He felt everything. He felt all the pain, all the sadness, all the happiness, all the laughter. He felt everything. At that moment he saw God. And at that moment all his fight, his pride, his ego disappeared. At that moment he realized the tragedy of humanity. The endless trying to change anything was pointless. It was all so silly. What he cared about and what he loved became nothing but a simple story, just like ones he’d read. It became so distant, yet personal. The weight of all the emotions sank in and he wanted to scream. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He accepted that the world will continue with or without him. Tears began to flood, and all he could do is silently scream into the face of God. It was then he realized the pain of being the creator of all life. The notion of knowing all, and loving all, yet not being able to do anything to change the wrongs in the world, simply because the greatest love is free will.

Three is more fun. When he was with him and her, they have a party. It’s a guessing game. Maybe he wants to. Maybe she doesn’t. What about you? The odds are against you, or is it? Maybe she likes you, maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he loves you, maybe she hates you.

Two is beautiful, only when you find it. Two can only exist in symmetry. Otherwise it’s just two completely different things. But when you do find the other half, the one that makes two pieces whole, that’s when you can start finding the meaning of life. The 0. The naught. Nada. Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

00

00

0.

.

.

.

.

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                      ???????

                      ?????????

                      ???????????

????????????????????????

?????????????????????????

????????????????????????

???????????????????????

???????????????

????????

???????

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?????

?????

?????

?????

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??????

WHY?!

IS

SHE

IN

MY

HEAD

The blue walls

The white window pane

The glowing beam

Her gentle eyes

Deader than you wished they were.

The wind taking her away.

It hurts, it all hurts.

It burns, the image seared into his mind, the girl that keeps him awake; the one that’s burned into his smile.

#life #acid #drugs #music #crazy #pain #love #dream #joy #everything #nothing #story #narrative #Stream of conscious writing #short story

[minnieyoonie]

Today, We Fight |17

Characters: Yoongi x Jimin (Yoonmin) / feat. BTS

Ratings: Mature

Warnings: Character’s Death, Blood, Gore, Violence, Explicit language ,smut, light fluff, heavy angst.

Summary: One peaceful night, Yoongi receives a strange phone call from his best friend that he’s been in love with since for awhile now. Only to get a bad news of some sort of weird outbreak that is currently spreading throughout their country. Despite the panic and terrifying encounters with an infected, lies a deep secret that revolves around them. A burden that they were force to carry as a child, through sufferings and their strong bond of love, they both seeks answers for the truth with nothing but their past to move forward and survive the dead world with six more friends that they could trust their life with.

Chapter Index

“this is it boys.” yoongi park the car and killed the engine off. Eyes scanning the empty lot carefully.

The streets were empty and deserted. Most of the buildings were destroyed, street lamps and vehicles were turn over as if a hurricane had just wipe everything off the earth. Broken glasses scattering around the pavement like petals falling off the branches.

It's eerily quiet. Too quiet .

There’s no sign of infected as of now and he hope that they won't encounter any despite how bad the idea is, to be out in the open during broad daylight.

Jungkook had suggested the idea of going to the mall for their next stock up of supplies, since the building occupy a variety of shops which they could gather a bunch of stuffs that they might need and probably get their hands on a few new clothes as well.

Yoongi had disagree, of course. The idea itself is dangerous in so many ways. Who knows how many infected might be hiding and roaming inside the building, ready to eat them alive.

Still, Jungkook insisted and manage to convince him otherwise.

“what could go wrong, hyung? We got weapons now and we needed as much supplies we could get our hands on. - most importantly, we’re out of food.” Jungkook retort.

“we have enough food to last for about a week, Jungkook. And besides, Jimin haven’t properly healed yet. - we can’t just blindly go out there and-” Yoongi tries reasoning, only for Jungkook to cut him off with a scoff.

“and what, hyung? - we can’t stay hiding forever. We gotta make a move and we still haven’t found Namjoon hyung, Jin hyung or Hoseok hyung. - what do we got to lose on this? We’re already too deep in this shit hole anyway and besides it’s-”

“fight or flight.” Jimin suddenly whispered,  finishing Jungkook’s words for him, his voice quiet and crestfallen.

Yoongi sighs, pulling his boyfriend closer by the waist. Jimin curls against his side on the couch, hiding his face in Yoongi’s chest, fingers curls tight into small fist on Yoongi’s shirt.

Jimin trembles in his arms, probably at the possibility of encountering another infected. Yoongi run a soothing hand up and down the younger’s back, hoping it’ll calm him, all the while whispering comforting words at his ears, “Shh.. It’s alright, love. - I’m here baby. It’s gonna be okay.” Yoongi places a gentle kiss against his temple, hugging him even more tightly in his arms.

He understand that it's been a full week since they stayed hidden in this abandoned house, while Jimin heals and it's about time they make a move, since they can’t really stay here for long and they still need to find the others as well even though none of them have the slightest idea how but still, Yoongi just can’t shake that uneasy feeling in his gut.

It’s like, one wrong move and all of them could be dead or worst, infected. He just wants to keep them all away from the danger that’s waiting for them but the truth is, they are not safe here or anywhere else either. It’s better for them to keep moving before something terribly wrong happen. Especially if those people they had escaped from would showed up again and hold them captive.

With a heavy heart, Yoongi heave a resigned sigh, “fine” before standing up, pulling Jimin along with him, “pack all your stuff and let’s go. - Leave no trail behind.”

What’s the worst could have happen, right? He thought to himself.

They’re just mindlessly roaming the city, without a damn clue what to do or where to go and it’s killing him slowly, the fact that he’s the one leading them and he feels useless somehow as a hyung.

Yoongi sighs for the upteenth time, getting off the car as Jimin walks over from his side of the passenger door and stood next to him. Jungkook and Taehyung came out from the back, both carrying a duffel bag on their shoulders.

One thing Yoongi have been noticing is the tension between Jungkook and Taehyung. They’re pretty much avoiding each other and probably thought it wasn’t obvious. - Jungkook thought it wasn’t obvious.

Judging by the way Taehyung had tried to make conversation with him, only to be ignored and brush off as he walk away with a shrug, seems to bother Taehyung somehow. If the dejected and guilty look he’s been having afterwards, whenever Jungkook avoided or ignores Taehyung wasn’t evident enough to showcase his true inner feelings for Jungkook. Then, Yoongi isn’t sure what is.

Its sad and stupid actually, that none of them seem to want to take the initiative to be honest with one another about their feelings. It also pains him as a hyung to watch them both constantly having longing looks and fond gazes whenever one of them passes the other.

Also, in other words, it frustrates him whenever Jungkook need to talk with Taehyung about something, the boy just approaches Yoongi or Jimin to help convey his questions or Taehyung’s answer to the question.

Its starting to get on Yoongi’s nerve and he’s so close at snapping. What the fuck are they anyway, Twelve? or six?

Sometimes, he have this tremendous urge to just throw them both in a room and locked them up together, just so they could fix this themselves and get over it.

They both obviously love each other from the start and can’t be without the other. Unlike him, when he first met Jimin.

All he could do was, be his friend and to be there for Jimin throughout his struggles. It's really not an easy feat to watch the person you love, slowly forgets bits of their moments with you. Watching them slowly became a new other person, which Yoongi still manage to fall in love with again.

But at that time, all he could do was to keep it a secret, occasionally having lingering looks whenever Jimin dances or silently smiling to himself as he gazes fondly whenever Jimin starts giggling at a bad joke, Jin was making. It was torturing him, but he manages somehow.

Until this shit hole happened, and he almost lost the most precious person he love the most in the entire world. Not only that though, he almost fucking regret it for not getting the chance of confessing his feelings when he could literally feel his life slipping out of his fingertips.

If it wasn’t for Jimin, being so brave and strong willed for them to make it alive, they wouldn’t have survive .

Yoongi is just lucky that the universe decides to give him the boy he loves so much that his heart ache and despite the countless of times he almost lost him. Deep down, he feels grateful and so he just hopes and pray that nothing bad would happen between Jungkook and Taehyung.

It’s going to be fine, as long as he’s still around to watch over them, he would protect them even if Yoongi have to risked his life for them. Everything is going to be fine. They just need to be quick, grab anything they might need and be gone before the sun could even start setting.

Yoongi licks his dry lips, clearing his throat as his gaze scans their surrounding again, just to make sure there’s nothing amiss before turning, to face Jungkook and Taehyung.

“alright, before we go in, lets just brief through what we should and shouldn’t do first?” Yoongi questioned, face set with determination.

“we go in, grab what we need and get the fuck out.” Jimin says matter-of-factly, adjusting the strap of his duffel bag on his left shoulder. The wound on his right side is still healing and Jimin must be still in pain due to the amount of time he winces and clenched his jaw whenever he thinks Yoongi isn’t looking at him.

Yoongi nods in agreement, “and what are the chances when we do spot an infected?”

Jungkook clears his throat as he responds next, “don’t engage with it, don’t make any sound and back away slowly. - if possible, get out and leave immediately.”

Yoongi nods again in affirmative, he feels glad that all of them are taking this very seriously, but when his gaze found Taehyung’s, the boy seems distant and out of it. He’s not really with them even though his gaze is on Yoongi’s face.

Something seems wrong with Taehyung and somehow it makes him feel uneasy, his stomach queasy and his heart exhilarate too quickly.  Yoongi doesn’t like this feeling. Something is wrong. But he can’t pinpoint what exactly.

It’s okay, everything going to be alright. They just have to go in and get out and nothing would have happened. Yoongi mentally rationalise.

“Taetae, are you okay?” Jimin suddenly spoke, concern lacing in his voice. It seems like Yoongi isn’t the only one who noticed the change in Taehyung, since Jimin’s face contorts with worry as well, if not even more than him.

Yoongi reaches out, interlacing their fingers as he squeezes. Silently hoping that Jimin gets the message that he’s not alone on this. Jimin’s eyes flickers to meet Yoongi briefly before narrowing back to his best friend.

“I’m fine, ‘m just tired. Didn’t get enough sleep last night.” Taehyung shrug, brushing away their concern as if its a natural thing to do.

Yoongi looks at Jungkook at that moment, the younger had a mirroring face as Jimin’s. His lips pressed in a straight line, quietly accessing every single word that came out of Taehyung as if he himself doesn’t believe him. It looks like Jungkook notices as well.

This isn’t a good sign. A very bad timing to be distracted when they’re out in the open like this, but they still need to get moving before the sun could even sets. It’ll be too dangerous for them either way.

“okay, if everything is clear let's head out. - stay close with each other and before we step in, make sure you got everything ready and loaded.” Yoongi barked orders naturally while everyone agrees, nodding and checking their own weapons.

All of them are armed from head to toe. Jungkook, have both holster strap on his thighs with handguns on either side. A shotgun strapped on his back. Taehyung carries the same weapon, adding two combat knives in the holster and a baseball bat on his back, that he seems to have an attachment with, ever since he found it.

Yoongi though, he carries only two weapons, handguns on either side of his thighs. Call him stupid but he can’t seems to carry the weight of it if they needed to run which in return, Yoongi carries a few extra bullets.

He turns to face Jimin, who’s the only one unarmed since he’s still recovering from his injuries. Smiling reassuringly, Yoongi cups both hands on Jimin’s cheeks, “We gonna stick together alright? and no matter what happens, don’t leave my side. - ever .”

Jimin nods with a small smile and Yoongi leans in to press a kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead and then he pulls away, reaching for Jimin’s hand. He really hopes they would get out unscather.

But oh boy, how silly of him to even think that was even possible.

Yoongi leads them towards the main entrance, only to realise that the shutters were down and they can’t get through it from the outside.

“fuck,” Yoongi mutters, turning to face the others, “we have to find another way around it.”

“there should be an emergency exit on the back of the building, we can go through from there.” Taehyung suggest.

“shit, alright. let’s go.”

It didn’t take them long to find the green exit sign. He checks the double doors without a second thought, praying that it’s not lock or jammed. When it bulges slightly, Yoongi sighs, “aite guys, remember stay close and vigilant. who knows how many is hiding or roaming around endlessly in there. could be a hordes of it if we’re not careful.”

Yoongi took another lungful of breath and pushes the door forward, not waiting for the others to respond. He took tentative steps forward, pulling his handgun out from the glock just in case. He’d put the silencer on earlier, so it’s probably appropriate for him to shoot more than the others.

They do need to maintain the quiet, that’s slowly creeping him up. Even their footsteps seems to echo too loudly for his ears. Yoongi swears he could even hear the nervous intake of breath from every single one of them.

The door closes after Taehyung and despite being closed gently, the small little click itself causes him to startle. He could feel Jimin’s hand clamped on his left shoulder, squeezing it tight for reassurance before he leans in and whispers in Yoongi’s ear, “baby, you alright? you seem a bit jumpy today.”

Yoongi shakes his head, trying to calm down. Yoongi could feel his heart accelerates rapidly, the sinking feeling in his guts became more and more uncomfortable for his sanity. It makes him feel nervous and claustrophobic at the same time.

“I- nah, ’m good. - can’t blame me y’know, this place feels terrifying.” Yoongi whispers back, giving a light pat on Jimin’s hand on his shoulder, quickly smiling to ease out the worried look in Jimin’s eyes.

“trust me, I know. - we can always just turn back and leave right? it’s not too late and we could just go find another place to scavenge for supplies or go-”

“Hyung? - is everything alright?” Jungkook stage-whisper, interrupting their conversation as Jimin turns to glare at the younger. Jungkook doesn’t seem fazed by the hard glares his boyfriend is throwing at him, he’s oblivious to Yoongi’s discomfort obviously.

“Everything is fine, I’m just thinking which level are we heading to is all.” Yoongi responds, moving up the stairs while trying to ignore the daggers of his boyfriend’s eyes shooting at the back of his head, definitely not pleased with everything he’d said.

“Yoongi,” Jimin warns, stopping him halfway up the stairs. His boyfriend apparently not having it for being ignored, but Yoongi continues to climb up nonetheless.

“Min Yoon -”

“Quit it will you? - I’m fine! let just get the fuck over with this and get the fuck out okay.” Yoongi snapped, turning abruptly to face his boyfriend. Jimin stares at him with unreadable eyes for a short moment before his shoulders slumps, averting his eyes away as he mumbles something under his breath that’s close enough to ‘i just don’t want to lose you again.’

Jimin huffed, marching past him, shouldering him hard as he goes, clearly furious with Yoongi. He just stood there, speechless as he watch his boyfriend’s back disappears through another set of stairs.

Yoongi glance at the other two boys, Jungkook looked as confused as Taehyung did. Not one of them understanding what had just happen but then Taehyung seem to catch on it pretty quickly. He frowns at Yoongi, lips pulled into a straight line. He too, walk past Yoongi, shoving him on the shoulder, “You’re gonna regret this.” Taehyung mutters as he goes after Jimin.

And Yoongi, he feels guilty as fuck. He shouldn’t have snap at Jimin. He’s just worried about him and for Yoongi to snap like that, it wasn’t right. He’s not sure why he did that either. Jimin doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment when all they had, was each other. As if Jimin being mad and sulking wasn’t enough, now Taehyung is mad at him too.

“come on hyung, we can’t be separated.” Jungkook says, tugging his arms as they stay close with each other, catching up with Jimin and Taehyung on the third floor.

Upon walking through the door and stepping into the building, the first thing Yoongi notices is the way both Jimin and Taehyung stiffened, paralyzed and looking stunned. Both of their faces were pale, drain of all colors from it. Their gazes fixate towards the ground level, body leaning against the glass panel railing.

Jungkook stood next to him, taking out a flashlight from the mount that’s attached to his left thigh holster, where his handgun rest on the glock.

Yoongi took out his own flashlight, clicking the lights on, so that he could see better in the darkness. Something seem off, he saunters closer towards his boyfriend. Gently placing a hand on his waist to not startled him, “Baby, what’s wrong? are you-”

“Yoonie,” Jimin whispers, his voice a little shaky, gaze still trained on the ground level as his mouth moves to speak, and the only thing Yoongi could hear is that one particular word that came out of Jimin.

Yoonie.

Yoonie

oh fuck.

Jimin hadn’t call him that in a very long time. The last time he did was when they were both still a kid. He’d suddenly stop calling him by that name ever since he saw Jimin talking with Yoongi’s dad that night. That fateful night that makes him feel like he lost his Jiminie.

That Jiminie and the current Jimin was so much more different, still he manage to love both sides of him anyway, because Jimin is still Jimin regardless of the fact that there’s a part of Yoongi that is missing in Jimin. A part of him that was erased from the boy memories.

“Yoongi, are you listening to me?” the gentle shake on his arms snap him out of his reverie, focusing him back towards Jimin. He blinks once, twice, “Sorry, what were you saying?” he asks, not missing the eye roll his boyfriend gives.

Ah, he’s calling him Yoongi again. How he wish he could hear Jimin calling him ‘Yoonie’ on more time. He miss hearing it so much that his heart starts to ache a bit.

“I said, this was a mistake.” Jimin whines.

“Wha-”

“Hyung! fuck, holy fuck.” Yoongi turns sharply to face the younger, feeling confused as hell when he saw the fear in Jungkook eyes. He’s looking over the glass panel, both hands tugging his hair out.

What the fuck is wrong. He turns again to face his boyfriend, small fisted hand gripping on his black sweater. Eyes pleading with fear as well, “You need to look at this, I can’t- this is- fuck, just look down at the ground level.”

Yoongi nods, throat suddenly felt dry when he swallow. He reach out to hold Jimin’s hand and leans forward, his gaze finally see the reason behind their fear-stricken faces. His own eyes widened a fraction because-

Holy fuck.

That’s a fucking mass of hordes roaming on the ground level, if they were ever to go through the main entrance, they might as well be the dinner for this fucking infected.

This is a mistake, they shouldn’t be here. It's a fuckton nest of infected as to why the mall is barricaded and lockdown. They’re going to die and it’s going to be his fault, cause he led them here, he led them to their death and it’s all his fault.

Yoongi is drowning himself in self-hatred so much that his face starts to pale, he feel breathless and numb. Everything around him starts to blur and there’s a deafening ringing in his ears, loud enough to drown any noise surrounding him.

Suddenly Yoongi felt warmness envelope him, warm palms on his cheeks, soft lips caressing his own and that snapped him to focus on the person in front of him, kissing him softly while soothing thumbs wiping his tears away.

Jimin pulls away slightly, just enough for their noses to bump against each other. “it’s gonna be alright, please breathe baby. We’re gonna be okay.” Jimin whispers reassuringly, thumbs caressing the apples of his cheeks.

Yoongi blinks, once, twice and thrice. He didn't realize that he’s on his knees and when he inhales, he almost choke on air at how lack of oxygen his lungs have been deprived from and starts to cough.

“I-I.. m’ sorry- it’s my fault, we-we shouldn’t be here. T-this, everything is- my fault - fuck- i’m so sorry, m’ sorry-”

Yoongi’s rambling are cut short by Jimin’s lip again, “shhh.. it’s fine, it’s not your fault, baby.” Jimin whispers against his lips, cradling Yoongi’s head to his chest and kiss the top of his head, “none of this is your fault, you didn’t know kay? So it's not your fault. It's never your fault.”

Yoongi eventually calms down, his breathing evening out slowly as Jimin continues to soothe him with encouraging words and peppering him with soft kisses on his face.

After Jimin deems he’s calm enough to stand, Jimin helps him up on his feet. Giving Yoongi another kiss on his forehead when he thanks his boyfriend.

Jimin just smiles back at him, eyes turning to small crescent, cupping Yoongi’s jaw. “I’ve got your back my love, just like how you got mine, Yoonie”

#park jimin is a sweetheart #min yoongi is a mess #everything is a mess #angst #fluff #i am actually tired of tagging already #lmao #bts #yoonmin fic #bts apocalypse au

[coexistxcoldrain]

Soul Meets Body

Title: Soul Meets Body (AO3 Link, please visit! :) ) Author: yaoionshavedice / hesonlytiny Rating: Explicit Warnings: Smut Ship: Masato/Colin; MasaHiro Words: ~30.000 Summary: “Don’t worry, no need to pay me back. This won’t make me broke.” After that, he actually put an honest smile on display; one of those that reached your eyes and made your ears move. I had to say, I was caught slightly by surprise and felt too perplexed to respond anything of importance. “Nice nose you have there, by the way.” Notes: Not a native speaker! Please do give constructive criticism :) I know this ship is ... not rare, but rather non-existent. So I’m sure it’s hard to get into if you’re not familiar with one of those lovely men. There’s a few links and pictures on my AO3 story if you’d like to have some more information. Have fun <3

Soul Meets Body

Chapter 01

“Hey, man. Don’t wanna pester a stranger for change but … my card isn’t working. Can you lend me a buck or two?”

The weird guy in front of me lifted his head in confusion as if I had accidentally said something in Chinese instead. His tousled dark hair peeked out under his black beanie. That’s strange, I recalled myself thinking, if it weren’t for his rainwater blue eyes, I could have easily mistaken him for a fancy black-and-white painting. And because I was starting to feel awkward about this whole thing, I felt like adding a rushed “I swear I’m not a beggar, I’ll give it back to you. See, I’m not from here …”

“Obviously,” he remarked dryly and lowered his head again in search for some coins. “We don’t go around with change that often here anymore.”

Something about his accent was drawing me in; making me want to focus solely on his lips when he spoke. It wasn’t as though I was an expert on British dialects – I really couldn’t tell if he was from London or any other random place – but his words left his throat so smoothly and yet tugged so heavily on his tongue it left me befuddled.

“The credit card wave hasn’t hit Japan all that hard yet,” I laughed awkwardly but waited for a satisfying reaction from him in vain. He certainly wasn’t the extroverted happy-go-lucky type by any means. Maybe those prejudices were true after all.

“Thought you’d be from America – judging by your accent.”

At this remark, I paused for a moment. I knew he didn’t mean any harm, though I had to face this kind of reaction on a daily basis. I certainly didn’t feel a close connection to my American heritage; not like my brother did, anyway. But in the eyes of the Japanese, I wasn’t Japanese enough, either. So I forced a plain smile on my lips to conceal my caution. It had been so long since I’d actually felt offended by similar kinds of comments.

“I am. I am half.”

“Half …” he mused and finally picked out the right amount of cash I’d need to buy a sandwich and handed it to me. “Don’t worry, no need to pay me back. This won’t make me broke.”

After that, he actually put an honest smile on display; one of those that reached your eyes and made your ears move. I had to say, I was caught slightly by surprise and felt too perplexed to respond anything of importance. “Nice nose you have there, by the way.”

I immediately faced the shelves in order to avoid any suspicious glances from strangers the moment he was gone. My Japanese genes were strongly imbedded in me after all. Even at 32 years of age, I couldn’t handle a stranger complimenting me.

Paralysed with painful embarrassment, I rubbed my red cheeks and waited for my head to cool down. At least the chill from the fridges in front of me was somewhat helpful. I could act calm and collected all I wanted in my everyday concert environment – in my heart I was still a shy, reluctant person.

***

I had to admit – I kept thinking on and on about that guy ever since I had left the store. Meeting him again by chance in such an enormous city, especially considering I wasn’t living here and about to move on, was, simply speaking, luck I didn’t have to spare. Band mates were noticing I was acting kinda off. Though I didn’t want to admit it to myself that this whole thing felt, oddly enough, like two twelve-year-olds falling in love at first sight. Of course, however, I couldn’t speak for him …

I was 32. Men my age were long married by then in Japan. I had had my fair share of long relationships throughout the years, though not one of them even with the slightest potential of prevailing. I could never hold onto them, they could never catch me the way I needed them to and in the end all there was left was me and the road. I know that sounded more melodramatic than an entry in a teenager’s diary. But here I was, making fun of my love life in order not to feel too sorry for myself.

The truth was: I’d really tried it with girls. I truly had. I was attracted to them … in some way. I just never quite knew what to do with them. Hard to explain. They never stuck around and I was never too sad about that fact. I moved on. I had my plans, I had my schedules, I had my music. At first, I’d thought that I was distracting myself from all that, but that was not quite it. I would be lying if I said I did not feel the slightest bit of relief whenever one of them left. It just got to me that I’d always be left alone.

Whenever we were staying longer in the same city, we were fortunate enough to get our own private hotel rooms instead of sleeping in the tour bus. And so I sat on my bed there that night – it was already far too late – and zapped somewhat dully through the channels. That’s where I spotted him. And I felt my jaw drop to the ground.

It seemed like I had some luck left after all – even if not exactly the desired amount.

I quickly found out the name of the show he was starring in and it didn’t take long for me to unearth his name. After that, I might or might not have gulped down his Wikipedia page. He was not at all unknown. Not at all. I felt as if in shock. Not that daydreaming a little about actually getting to know him better would have been realistic by any means before that. For various reasons I should not have to list, of course. But now … this changed quite a lot, didn’t it? Contacting a stranger – hard, but not impossible. Contacting a famous stranger on the other hand? I was fucked. Just not in the good way. I just felt silly how I reacted; he really got to me. I’d seen so many different people from all over the world in these past few years – and he got to me, just like that.

Colin Morgan, the page said. One year older than me. Irish. Did quite some theatre work – Ariel in Shakespeare’s “The Tempest” undoubtedly being one of his most famous ones. Won an award for the portrayal of said role. Landed the leading part in a 5 season long running show called “Merlin”. Played in films and shows together with Tom Hardy, Chris Hemsworth Colin Firth. I was baffled.

I could see he was passionate. Talented. And oh-so invitingly magnetic. My heart did a little jump. Although, I had to admit, the situation at hand could have been worse. I wasn’t quite sure whether the stalker image suited me, but at least now I knew where he was currently performing. I had locations, I had dates. And even though I should technically feel rather lousy about it all, the general bubbling thrill prevailed. I didn’t know I had it in me, acting so stalker-ish.

“Geez.” I dropped my phone on my forehead. It bounced onto the bed with an admittedly louder thud than I’d expected. I was going crazy. Not the I-eat-ice-cream-for-breakfast-kinda-crazy but a full-on I-order-a-fishing-hat-on-amazon-so-I-can-go-feed-the-local-ducks-at-6am-in-the-morning-kinda-crazy. This was ridiculous. Each and every friend of mine would spend literal hours here laughing at me.

And I couldn’t wait seeing him again.

***

My heart was thumping in my ears; my throat; my veins. I couldn’t swallow anymore. Again, I felt like 12.

So I was standing here, right in front of The Old Vic Theatre in London, eyeing the scenery from a few cautious feet apart. I couldn’t have been luckier to have the two most important factors on my side: it was our day off between two shows and he was actually performing on stage right this day. It was late already and kind of dark, minus the street lamp lights. And busy, too. I waited here in order for him to finish his show and come out, though, to be fair, I didn’t quite know how popular he was and if I even had the chance of meeting him this way. I already felt crazy enough doing this. But I would have never forgiven myself had I not tried it at least.

I nervously rubbed my palms; even though it was unhurriedly becoming spring, the nights were still chilly enough. But just as I finished that thought, the first excited pairs of spectators left the building and started lining up right in front of it, making my blood boil hot. I could feel their excitement and rush of adrenaline on my skin; suddenly the air was filled with leftover sparks and electricity. It reminded me hugely of the energy produced at our gigs and instantly felt at home and suddenly very calm.

I stood there for maybe a few dozen minutes, I didn’t count, as the entry filled with lots and lots of waiting fans. Then, he finally appeared.

In the soft shine of the street lights, his hair shimmered wet and curled around the edges of his ears, he had to have come right from under the shower. I had to admit, however, that I felt like a big old creep lurking at him from the shadows. So I hoped he’d finish the signing session soon enough. After a while I found it fascinating that his fans did not seem to ask him for any photos with him often; he mostly just signed flyers, shirts and DVD’s.

When most had already left and he had quit talking to the last two girls, I nervously scurried a bit closer; waiting for my natural impulses to kick in and do something. Maybe I should have come closer sooner, though I still felt pathetic. But as he waved them goodbye and turned to go back inside, maybe pick up his belongings, my instincts finally did show up and so, out of fear of passing up the chance, I ran the last few steps and shouted “Hey, nice nose you have there, by the way!”

I saw him stopping in his tracks and turning around again to face the odd disturbance he had run into after such a long day. I could see he was still puzzled the first few seconds; I could see it in his eyes. But then, it finally clicked and he laughed out loud at the sight of me. And what a sight that had to have been. If one could die from cringe, this would have been my clue.

“This … is not a coincidence, is it?”

“I’m afraid not, sorry,” I scratched my head in order to have anything to do with my useless hands. “But I swear I didn’t know about you when we met.”

“So … you’re saying you’ve been stalking me?”

“Can we just stop here with all the allegations and questions?” I chuckled awkwardly at my own petty joke. But he seemed to listen and understand. “No, I’ll be honest. I saw you on TV last night. And it kind of felt like a sign … maybe?”

“That’s your honest?” he grinned, but did not look me in the eyes. Now that I stood before him for the second time, I realised that he was also quite a bit taller than I was. “Tell you what. I’ll be out in, like, another half an hour. I have to discuss something first. Meet me at The Cut in a bit?”

I was too paralysed to say anything of substance then and there, really. So I nodded and got a short but endearing smile from him in return.

My head felt dizzy as he got inside again and I was left there in the cold, yet feeling weirdly giddy and hot to the touch at the same time. I didn’t even notice the chilliness surrounding me anymore.

***

“So … you’re a tourist then?”

The waitress brought us a glass of white wine and a Gin Tonic. I thanked her.

“Not quite,” I admitted and tilted my head. The vibe in the bar was smooth and calm. The lights were dimmed and rain had started to fall; drumming a soothing melody against the wide window panes. “I’m here for work.”

“Oh?” he smirked and took a first considerate sip from his glass. “So you mean business?”

I knew what he meant but for some reason I just couldn’t fully relax in his presence, so I watched him laugh about his own joke and chuckled nervously; burying my nose in my drink. “Sorry, we might have a curious kind of humour, don’t let it bother you. I’m just bantering.”

The cold liquid ran hot and nicely stinging down my raspy throat. I nodded and put on a short smile. “Say, is it often that you go for a drink with some random guy you just met or did you just feel lonely?”

“You must be kidding, I’m a busy man,” he laughed again, his ears waggling. “I would not do so if I didn’t find you attractive in any way – if I can be that blunt with you.” He put down his glass and leaned forward a few tiny inches; his voice soft and smooth, his tongue suddenly light as air. “I mean, I assume you must be feeling the same way. Or else you wouldn’t have stalked me, right?”

“When you put it like that, it sounds so pathetic,” I grinned and shook my head; the heaviness of my thoughts and concerns slowly dripping from my shoulders. He just had this all-encompassing presence surrounding him like a fine mist; I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It was strange, but in a very good way. He certainly did not look as witty and sharp as he actually was. I wasn’t used to that at all but as I warmed up to the idea bit by bit, I felt more at ease opening up to him. So I unconsciously shuffled a bit closer even. “I just couldn’t get you out of my head, frankly.”

“So that’s settled then, I guess,” I heard him muse as he swayed his wine glass in a mindful manner. Why did I feel like that this was not the first time he did something like that? “Oh, I just realised … You haven’t told me your name. I’m Colin.”

I took his hand, all the while chuckling to myself. “I know. It’s Masato Hayakawa.”

“Masato Hayakawa … Good, now that we are no strangers anymore, it’s okay for you to get inside my car, right? Only that I don’t drive a car when I’m in London, I’m afraid.”

I shook my head as I let go of his hand, evidently amused. But the sensation of his firm grip yet soft touch lingered like a spark on my skin even seconds after the hand shake. For the first time, I actually took in his body and all I could see of it. The faint rise and fall of his clothed, broad chest; almost close enough to touch and my fingertips itched so badly for it. His bare underarms, he had rolled up the sleeves of his dark wool sweater, rested nonchalantly on the small table between us. His long, delicate fingers had been fiddling with a piece of paper after our touch, as if he was drunk with thoughts – but instead he looked me right in the eye the second I lifted my gaze again. Abruptly, a sharp pain in the pit of my stomach – but an enjoyable one at that.

“I took the Underground, too,” I heard myself say in a cushioned, faint voice. Not any one of us could deny the obvious attraction we felt for each other any longer, not if we wanted to.

“Where you’re staying at?”

“You couldn’t get any blunter now, could you?

***

The second we closed the door behind us, he pushed me up right against it. With his mouth muffling my thoughts and worries, he drummed long forgotten sensations inside my veins instead; replaced the dark, twisted voices. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe. It was just him engulfing me as though there had never been anyone else.

Somewhere along the line we had lost our jackets.

It had been so long for me. Not necessarily the physical part per se; but that I actually felt something. Lust, desire, passion … I just knew that I wanted him. I didn’t think about what came after. This was the only thing that mattered right now.

I certainly wasn’t keen on admitting it, but it was so immensely pleasant to let someone else be in control that, on top of it all, was also quite a bit taller than yourself. He pressed up against me so effortlessly and stole my breath, tucked at my shirt and brushed through my damp hair. I could have sworn his hands were everywhere and surrendering to them was just so easy.

Unhurriedly, he licked the sensitive skin on my neck where my heartbeat pulsated vigorously underneath the Vena tattoo. I felt him tracing each and every stroke of black ink and I clawed at his sweater; almost desperately.

After all that, he wordlessly dropped to his knees, kissing down my hip bones towards my happy trail and then looked up.

“Whoah, whoah, you’re sure?” I exclaimed, seemingly out of breath and slightly shaky myself.

“What did you have in mind then, princess?” He did it again; just like that. Muted me with a snap of his fingers, any words of resistance I might have had – gone. Where did he take all that confidence from? No one ever called me “princess” in situations like these; but I had to admit, I liked it. “Don’t you want to feel my tongue on you?”

He licked the sensitive skin down there, unbuttoned my jeans with one hand; meanwhile, the other one dragged lazy strokes across my chest from under my shirt. It felt heavenly. “I–I do …”

“See, doll, wasn’t that hard now, was it?”

“Oh, it’s hard,” I laughed, as he finally tugged at my pants and pulled them down; my hard on tenting my briefs. He intently traced the shape of my dick before he let his hot breath flow over the fabric. I twitched. My fingers wandered intuitively towards his head; brushing through his hair, dragging at the strands. It felt so good to be with someone who knew exactly what he wanted. To feel my own fever be met with at least the same amount of hot anger and ecstasy.

I didn’t leave the hotel tonight in order to find someone to have sex with – but our bodies exhaled that kind of electricity that made you wonder if there could have been any other outcome than this one to begin with.

Finally, he slipped my shorts down to my ankles. Seeing that now the tightness of the fabric was gone and a delicate chill brushed my skin, I shuddered; overwhelmed with all these new sensations. Didn’t know I could even feel anything like this.

I couldn’t bring myself to look down, as he let his tongue wander from the base of my hard cock to the tip. I gasped, he grinned; I felt it on my skin. Assertively, I pushed my hips forward and his head closer to my groin; and instead of resisting and lecturing me in his I-know-better-voice, he obliged and took in my full length. Overwhelmed, I threw my head back against the door; eyes closed and breath drawn in sharply, his own moans muffled. I couldn’t even realise how far he could take me in without any effort whatsoever. My head felt dizzy and feverish hot.

Slowly but surely, he established a firm rhythm; one hand on my hip, the other alternating between jerking me off and massaging my balls. I didn’t even have to think about holding myself back; my first hesitant, testing thrusts now meeting his movements harder, faster and rougher. He didn’t complain at all, quite the contrary, really; under my shallow breath, I heard him moan and sob around my cock, but his pace only got more rapid.

This whole situation fucked me up so badly, I didn’t even know where my head stood anymore. Every inch of my skin prickled as though his hands were still wandering across my body. My stomach felt hot and I could not grasp a single thought. Somewhere along the line I heard him open his fly and pull out his own dick but at this point, I really could not say anything, respond to anything, let alone interfere in what he was doing. The still functioning part of my brain told me that he was about to jerk himself off while sucking my dick, even though I would have died to taste him myself, but I was not able to interrupt him.

The warm pressure and the awareness that it was this beautiful man who willingly took in my full length let me finally lose my head completely. Our matching rhythm grew hastier and more careless. Maybe I hurt him with my fast thrusts, though if I did, he seemed to like it. I desperately yanked at the locks on his head that I could reach and hold onto; moaning all the way and relishing in the fact that he was hopefully exhaling sounds of pleasure while he was choking on my cock.

“W-wait … I’m coming–“ was all I could croak out in my current state, though of course he did not stop. Then a huge wave of electricity jerked through my body; if it wasn’t pitch-black behind my eyelids to begin with, now it was.

It took me a few seconds to realise that I had come in his mouth and he was still indulgently sucking and licking at my dick; cum already swallowed.

Now I grasped that I was panting; felt the rise and fall of my own chest. My arms limp and totally out of energy; I leaned against the cold door and brushed through his damp hair. We hadn’t even turned on the lights.

“Will you stand up? I want to kiss you.”

After another soft lick, he wiped his mouth sloppily and got to his feet; still this never-disappearing kind of smirk tugging at his lips. “Sorry, I might have just ruined your shoes.”

I chuckled breathlessly. “That’s fair enough, I guess.” With my hand behind the back of his head, I pulled him closer to me until our noses and foreheads touched. I could hear his pulse. A weirdly intimate moment between two strangers; so much more affectionate and warmer than the act before. Then I finally touched his lips with mine.

A soft kiss, not rushed by any means. I could taste the faint characteristic bitterness on his tongue but it only made me love this more. I pulled him even closer to me – my fingertips still itched.

***

“That was not your first time, though, was it? With a man?”

I shook my head no but realised he could probably not see it in the dark. I lay on the big king sized bed while he stood at the open window, smoking. “No. Never had a real relationship with one, but I’ve had my fair share of flings. With one guy.”

“Did you want more?”

“No, he did.”

“I see,” he mused, exhaling slowly, probably thinking. “I’ve slept with a few guys. But I couldn’t get over this one in particular. Isn’t it always like this?”

“The irony,” I agreed, rustling on the bed sheets. Even though the street noise entered through the window and soaked our hair and minds, I still could not concentrate on any other sound than on that of him inhaling the nicotine. “What we want is what we don’t get and what we get is not what we want.”

After a while, he closed the window, had probably finished smoking, only to turn around with a huge gesture; a smile plastered all over his face in the dark. “Was he as good looking as me?”

“Oh, quite the opposite,” I blurted out before quickly realising what I had just said and started backtracking. “I– didn’t mean he’s ugly. He’s just … short, blonde, petite, bratty … very Japanese-ish. He’s the opposite of you.”

“You don’t like the opposite of me?”

Even though we just had sex, him acting so obviously flirty with me, in such a witty and positively provocative way on top of it all, still left me dumbfounded. I had never actually questioned myself why I hadn’t liked my former affair the way he had liked me. After meeting Colin, however, I wondered why I had never felt this giddy and complete with anyone I had ever been with before. It felt so easy.

All these stories about “love at first sight” … how true could they be?

Through the blurry darkness, occasionally illuminated by street lights and passing cars, I watched him stroll towards the other end of the room. “What is someone like you supposed to do with a piano inside their hotel room?”

He let his fingers glide over the wood surface, hesitantly sitting down in front of it. “What do you mean ‘someone like me’?” I laughed.

He chuckled silently to himself as he opened the cover deliberately, almost as if he was remembering some long forgotten, nostalgic memory that he had softly carried in his soul. I instantly grew more attentive; my eyes fixed on his delicate outline in the dark.

The tune he then played reached my ears only faintly but oh so very pleasantly like shallow river water you dip your naked feet in when summer is at its peak. Even though I didn’t know the song that was on his mind, I could tell it was dear to him; he had to have played it a lot gentler and slower than the original would have sounded. After a while had passed, he chimed in.

I do believe it's true

That there are roads left in both of our shoes

But if the silence takes you

Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I'll hold you near

'Cause you're the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

As always, I was a prisoner to my thoughts and inactions. My instinct told me to get closer to this melody which let the hairs on the back of my neck stand up; but instead I stood there, motionless. When will this guy stop putting me in such a constant state of awe?

“I know I’m not the best singer,” he smiled loudly. “I’m an actor after all. But, you know, when you go to classical drama school …”

“You have to have vocal training too, yeah … You’re not half as bad,” I laughed, finally finding the courage to shift closer, letting my fingers wander from his shoulder to his neck. “Your voice is a tad too low for this part, though.”

“I know,” he started to explain with a soft voice, slowly turning towards me, searching for my gaze in the darkness. “But I like it. My lovers always ever had blue eyes, you know?”

I didn’t quite know what to make of this statement, really. This new side of him, a far more insecure, maybe even affectionate side, confused me even if no man was ever just black and white. I knew I didn’t have blue eyes, is all. For some weird reason, however, I felt challenged. If I was good at one thing, it was singing after all.

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to hold you like I always do

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to love you like I do

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

Frankly, I didn’t know what I was expecting, maybe laughter or amusement – an awkward smile. But Colin kept strangely silent after I had finished the view verses of the song that I had spontaneously felt like singing. The air was electrified but painfully silent. I shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for choosing such a clichéd sad song. But now that he kept quiet, I felt a bit stupid for doing so nonetheless. This song meant a lot to me and we had yet to publish it still. I had written it a long time ago but hadn’t had the courage to come forward with it. It still hurt a lot thinking about it and thus I generally didn’t.

So I was grateful for this bizarre kind of bubble we were in right now; our own world, so to speak. It didn’t feel real and maybe the past wasn’t, either. Maybe it was the orgasm after taste, the blurry light floating through the gloom or just the general vibe. But nothing here felt like reality. I would have never opened up my heart this way to a total stranger. A stranger I just had sex with, on top of that. Someone I had just met.

“You should do that professionally, man.”

Admittedly quite startled, I could only croak out a nervous little laugh at his conclusion. I didn’t plan on telling him any time soon, really. It would then somehow feel more real; too real, to be honest. I just could not seem to keep my fingers off other well-known people in the business who were not that excited at the prospect of the common mortal finding out about it. Me neither, of course. And I didn’t want to have to deal with that yet again.

“It’s called ‘January 1st–“ I whispered into the darkness because I didn’t know what else to say.

Colin was just standing up and about to say something as well when someone knocked on the door. His lips were now mere inches apart from mine.

“Er … would you?” I hinted at the bed with a funny tone in my voice I couldn’t seem to cover up and he obliged without a word. Then I opened the door; Sugi in front of me.

“Hey … I thought I heard something. Where were you earlier?” He asked in quiet Japanese.

“Ah– sorry. I thought I’d messaged you guys. I just needed to clear my head, is all. I went for a walk.”

“Not a problem, mate,” he bumped my shoulder with his fist and then pointed behind him. “We wanted to grab a pint. Care to join us?”

“Yeah,” I contemplated; having to pause a second in order to find the right words. “I’ll be there in a minute, all right?”

Sugi nodded and left to join the others in the lobby. I stood there; irrevocably back in reality again. Erratically, I closed the door. I would have loved to live in our little bubble forever but we both probably knew that that was not possible.

“Your friends?”

“Colleagues, actually.”

“You sound hot when you speak Japanese.”

I chuckled at his flirtatious remark but it only sounded nervous in my ears. That was it, then. Going for a drink, sleeping, waking up, eating, sound check, concert, in the bus and to the next city. No time to see him again. The lump in my throat was too big to swallow at this point; I had difficulties expressing what really was on my mind.

“We’re … meeting up at the pub outside.”

“So there’s my clue to go, right?”

“I’m afraid so.”

He strolled towards me from the dark corner next to the bed; holding his hands up as though declaring truce. “Hayakawa-San, it was nice to meet you.”

Instead of the anticipated kiss, he shook my hand but quickly came around and pulled me towards him. “Will you give me your phone number?” I whispered against his lips.

“I don’t have one. I promise I’ll find you.”

“You–“ I started, confused by this statement, though could not finish my thought as he finally closed the space between us to kiss me. It was a light one, not rushed at all. No passion and yet it felt appropriate under these circumstances.

“See you around, princess!”

***

“Hi, hi! Wait, please!” Someone shouted in my general direction as I was about to get on the bus. Since the person spoke English, however, no one but me felt addressed and turned around.

It was a short, well-rounded girl with long, dark hair. She looked to be Japanese, or Asian for that matter, though her accent was unmistakably British. I put on a professional smile while I paused in my tracks and heard the others ignore this small interlude. “Yes?” “Hi, sorry for interrupting you guys! I don’t want to bother you. It’s just that I was at your concert the other day and I didn’t get to meet you. I just wanted you to sign my CD.”

I had to admit, I was a tiny bit disappointed. For a second, how could it have been any different, I thought it might’ve been Colin saying goodbye. However, this girl seemed to be nice and I didn’t feel annoyed in any way. So I took the CD off her and chuckled softly. “What’s your name?”

“It’s Mio.”

“You’re Japanese?” One of the security guys had handed me a black sharpie I scribbled some words with on the cover.

“Yes. I do speak Japanese, I just feel more confident speaking English. I’ve been raised here.”

“I know the feeling,” I smiled a genuine smile before giving the CD back to her. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m afraid I’ll have to go now.” I lazily pointed at the bus behind me and the few people left standing around and watching us.

“No, no. I understand, don’t worry! I enjoyed the gig! Hope to see you again soon!”

She waved a last time before vanishing in the crowds of busy people. But it still felt like a weird encounter, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, though. Maybe it was the fact that she was yet another hāfu, just the other way around.  Or that she would stay in London and I would have to go back to Japan, regrettably sooner than later.

***

I sure as hell hadn’t counted the days but it definitely had been months since I’d last seen him.

Japan had safely transitioned from rainy season to typhoon season and it had been yet another unbearably hot and dry but humid summer beforehand. I had witnessed the blooming of the sakura trees which had lost their soothingly pink blossoms mere five days after they had drawn their first breaths. The heavy rainfalls had soaked my sleeves not only once or twice. And now, as the cicadas sang their lullabies each night, I wondered if he still cramped his dark locks of hair underneath his beanie.

I honestly didn’t want to conjure up any gloomy thoughts because that was not like me. I had to act my hopeful and good-humoured self when I was on stage; and frankly, I wanted to. The more positive thoughts you let roam in your soul, the more effect they would have on your psyche. I lived for that, normally. But I did miss him. Not being around him was worse enough; but not even being able to communicate was as atrociously debilitating as finding yourself lost in the dark woods at midnight. Sometimes, in a quiet moment, I asked myself if he had played me after all. If he did own a phone – just not as far as I was concerned. He’d promised that he’d be in touch. And frankly, if he’d really wanted to he could have very well done it by now. I felt ashamed for admitting it even to myself – but I was too proud trying to contact him instead. I didn’t want to keep running after him like a desperate school boy. And here I was thinking that what we had felt that day was genuine and honest.

But what did they say? Life goes on. And I knew mine would. Harder and faster even than any other.

I had hidden myself listening to music in the farthest corner of the building, as I was used to be doing right before a concert to calm my nerves and get me in the right mind-set. As I was sitting there, nodding rhythmically to some random Papa Roach songs, I felt someone tapping my shoulder out of the blue. First I was startled as I was so deeply sunken into my routine but when I looked up, Hiroki stood before me; his gaze falling down on me like broken glass shards. As confused as I was at first, it all made sense since MY FIRST STORY actually was the supporting act for this concert in Nagoya. Of course I’d known this, even if I hadn’t been particularly delighted at the prospect.

“Your pre-concert habit?”

He looked to be nearly ready for their gig, too. Wearing his hair a warm brown colour these days, which suited him undeniably nicely, he did not appear to be as unpleasant as his recent behaviour had actually suggested. It made his features even softer and perfected the sparkle in his eyes when he smiled brightly.

“You know better than to bother me now.”

“I just wanted to check if you were okay,” he shrugged his puny shoulders but this annoyingly satisfied grin never quite left his lips.

“Yeah, right,” I huffed and reached for his arm to pull myself up. He didn’t even act surprised in the slightest. We must still make a good team after all. “That’s so you.”

In front of me, Hiro shuffled his feet and could not hide from the fact that he did indeed still look a bit like a little lost boy. Our love affair felt so far away; I felt so immensely dissociated from him even though we were currently facing each other. I observed the shape of his soft lips but I could not for the life of me remember how they tasted.

“You didn’t like the idea of touring together, am I right?”

“Honestly? No, I did not. Alexandros would have been quite enough. I could not provide any valid reasons, though,” I explained in a low voice, leaning against the cold wall behind me; sobering up my mind. I was not that tall, however, Hiro still only came up to my shoulders. “We perfectly managed not touring together throughout all those years. Low-key without attracting attention.”

“There’s nothing to attract attention to anymore, though …”

There was still disappointment to be heard in his high pitched voice I used to fall asleep to. After all these years and fights and tears. I knew I had broken his heart back then but I was not the one that would be able to mend it back together. And so I decided to change the subject.

“I heard about your break-down at the Budokan,” I started hesitatingly but reconsidered my choice of words and started anew. “No, what I meant was: I saw it. I felt really sorry. Those were heart-wrenching words. I know how hard it’s been for you.”

“Right … we haven’t really been talking since, huh?” Hiroki mused but at least I could not see any genuine grief reflected in his carnelian coloured eyes. “It’s been years, though. I’m fine. Thanks for caring.”

“Hey,” I said with a soothing tone to my voice and put one arm around his shoulders. They felt fragile and delicate like bare skinned branches in a storm. Foreign. How had it been like to kiss his name into the pale skin of his neck? “Let’s go for a drink after this. As friends. Maybe there’s more to talk about than we think.”

***

Seeing that Alexandros was one of Coldrain’s supporting acts too, we could not help but perform Kill Me If You Can together on stage. Going up there as mates and singing these familiar notes and words, so unlike our own songs, felt wrong in all the right ways. Suddenly, I was back in late 2015, early 2016. I was still with Hiroki, the rich sounds felt like honey on my tongue and today they were still as warm as the last sunrays we’d felt on our skin before we broke up. And when it was finally time for us to go up on stage I couldn’t help but to think about Colin one last time as I performed January 1st. We had finally published it and even though everything felt like K and both melancholy and joy swelled up inside my body thinking of him, I now also associated the song with this God damn Irish guy.

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to hold you like I always do

I never had to say a word

It's like you always saw me through

But all you ever asked of me

Was to love you like I do

Tell me how do I let go?

When all I know is to hold on

Every memory that you left

Keeps me from moving ahead

Tell me how do I let go?

I sang these verses with each and every emotion I could evoke as I was thinking about our shared moments somewhere in the back of my mind. Trying to figure out simultaneously if I’d honestly missed him or if I was just so tired of feeling left alone. As we’d finished the song, however, and I stepped off the stage under cheers and applause from our fans crying ankōru, I again remembered that back in London this was the song I chose to sang in that hotel room. These were the lines that had come to my mind like a lost memory ready to be reawakened.

The memory of Colin’s soft touch on my neck, however … his tender looks that melted into my skin like gentle summer rain. I was not able to let him go just yet.

***

It was already far after midnight when we exited the venue; arm in arm. Frankly, I did not worry about photographers or passersby who could see us like this. It didn’t mean anything. He was the little bro of one of my best friends – people knew. We were having fun, we were laughing loudly and grins were wide; I held him close to my side by his shoulder and together we staggered through the little side streets as though we were drunk. We had let the other guys leave without us; our tussled hair still damp from the previous shower. I didn’t know what we would really be up to but we’d planned on going for a drink as friends. But right now, I felt intoxicated from his too sweet cologne and wondered if his birthmarks where still on the same spots I remembered them to be and if there was new ink to discover on his porcelain skin. I knew I probably shouldn’t sleep with my ex, but I felt so disappointed in myself and in the whole world. I knew I would probably break his heart again – but for some vile reason I felt like I deserved this one.

The earth was still cooling off and even the pavement underneath our feet appeared to still be emitting the last warmth of the late summer’s day. It was a stark contrast to those bitter cold evenings in London. The wind grazed our cheeks only so very delicately once in a while and I threw back my head to inhale the pure night air which was rich of excitement and thrill.

“You know, this feels so familiar,” I heard him purr close to my ear; our movements kind of sluggish as if we cherished every step along the way. I myself was just as eager to forget that Colin ever existed. I had to let him go. Just pretending for one night that Hiro’s moans and breathy laughter beneath my body in the sheets could freeze my unanswered longing. I knew that was kind of fucked up. “Don’t you miss our banter?”

“Sometimes,” I admitted under my breath and it wasn’t even a lie. We did have chemistry – that much was true. We’d felt an instant connection the first time we’d really spent time together. It had been interesting with him the first few months; the first year. He always said what he wanted to say, he was such a little brat and back then I was absorbed with taming him – to the point of obsessiveness even. He hadn’t learned a thing, though, but in bed he did what he was told like the good little boy he was. Yes, sometimes I missed that.

“My begging?” his grin tugged at his lips and reached from one cheek to the other as he carefully observed my reaction; as if he’d guessed my thoughts.

I let out a low growl and buried my nose in his soft hair. Still as hopeless as ever. No wonder my fingertips itched for the sensation of pressing his wrists into the hard mattress. “Your ‘yes’s’ and ‘of course’s’.”

I couldn’t help it and felt my dick twitch in my trousers at the mere thought. This here didn’t have this mysterious delicateness wafting around our heads like blue mist. There was no electricity, no pining to the extent of experiencing pain. I didn’t want to trace his collarbones with my fingertips and wasn’t going mad at the idea of him breathing out my name. I wanted to fuck him because this felt familiar; comforting. I knew how he’d react; I finally remembered how the little sobs on his tongue tasted.

“Long time no see, nice nose.”

The familiar dark voice came out of nowhere and tore at my attention in the roughest of ways. My first reaction was to persuade myself that my mind was playing tricks on me. To dissuade me from making this huge mistake I would most definitely regret in a lot of different ways. But before I could conclude any of my further interpretations, the voice spoke again and I stopped in my tracks.

“Busy?”

“That’s not fair.” I turned around with an unbelieving sigh as if I was reprimanding a ghost of my past that no one else but me was able to see. Of course it was Colin. Now. Out of all people. Why now.

“That’s kind of awkward now,” he admitted with a stiff smile that I had not seen once on his bold lips before. It made him seem more human somehow, I realised with dismay. “Isn’t it?”

Not quite knowing how to react, I let go of Hiro’s shoulders who then looked at me in confusion and mild irritation. His English was not good enough to follow our simple conversation, especially with Colin’s thick Northern Irish accent and Hiro being stressed out enough as he was. In the meantime, Colin walked closer to us in the shine of the street lights; his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets, the black beanie sitting on his head as if time had been standing still all along.

“I don’t really know what to say, to be honest with you,” I heard myself speak in a low voice as though it wasn’t me making these sounds. Time had never felt more like an eerie dream; not since back then in the hotel room. I had waited for him – for months that had felt like centuries. I had pined after and longed for him, yes, I had cried. Once. I’d been drunk and very frustrated, maybe a bit angry even. But I’d been so hopeful that we would see each other again and now, out of all times, he just appeared out of thin air? How was that fair? I was about to forget him!

“A … ‘hello’ would be good for starters?” he smiled at me; the one that made it seem like his blue eyes were closed entirely and little laugh lines appeared right underneath them. “After that … what about an ‘I missed you’? Because I know I did.”

For a second, I felt so very bad for Hiroki standing next to us like an oblivious toddler. I felt his gaze drift from me to Colin and back, but I could not force my own eyes off Colin’s. I just couldn’t explain how he did it; it was like he had magic for real. I was lost. Then he extended his hand for Hiro to grab.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Colin, nice to meet you.”

“Moriuchi Hiroki,” he spat out like a foul fruit but took Colin’s hand nonetheless, had to have realised what the guy in front of him wanted without actually understanding.

“This is … my ex-boyfriend,” I explained cautiously and knew that Hiroki was listening intently for key-words. On Colin’s face, however, I saw that everything had finally clicked into place.

“The fling …” he mused with a fleeting look at Hiro. He didn’t mean it in a bad way, I supposed. He ought to have remembered our night and our conversation. Yes, I had meant Hiro back then. He hadn’t been more than a fling to me in retrospect. But I also knew that this special tone in Colin’s voice when he said the word didn’t sit quite right with me, either.

“I’m sorry, but didn’t we want to go someplace?” Hiro’s Japanese sentence totally out of the blue only underlined my low-key uneasiness as it shook me back to reality and to what was actually happening then and there. I agreed – we did. And even though my lungs suddenly felt as though they were filled with water, I swallowed it down and watched as my hand crawled back on Hiro’s shoulders once more.

“Yeah, you’re right, we did,” I replied in Japanese, followed by a short, unsure glance at Colin. I was mad up to the tip of my hair; both at him for not contacting me and suddenly appearing out of nowhere with that anger inducing “I’m-Innocent”-grin. I thought as though he was probably just insecure and felt sorry for all of this too … maybe. Something about the way he shuffled his feet restlessly and perhaps he really was. He had definitely met me at the wrong moment because right now I was determined to stay angry at him and to not give in so easily even though my fingers itched yet again for his touch. Then the longing set in too and mingled with all of that built-up frustration in the pit of my stomach and suddenly I felt like vomiting. I just knew that I had to get out of there. Now.

“I’m sorry, Colin. I have plans tonight.” I swiftly thought about asking for meeting up another day or for how long he was planning on staying, solely for conversational purposes of course. But the words just weren’t eager to roll off my tongue. I saw it in Colin’s eyes that he’d expected something … anything more but it didn’t come and it hurt me, too. Subconsciously I grabbed Hiro’s shoulder harder and I only noticed when he tensed up underneath my hand subsequently.

In the fleeting shine of the street lights Colin tried his hardest not to let any more emotions play out on his face but he was a good actor after all. I could not seem to detect anything other than a thin, cold wall between us anymore. “I see. Sorry to have jumped at you like this,” he nodded and smiled warmly. “Maybe I can contact you some way? I do have a phone now, you know.”

I had to laugh out loud at his last revelation and for a moment I let go of Hiro’s shoulders. I didn’t make fun of him, I just appreciated his weird sense of humour still; even in situations like these I supposed. “Yeah. Yeah, go on. Give me your number, I’ll message you.”

I was somewhat surprised when he could tell me his own number right off the bat. I had difficulties recalling my own number still and it hadn’t changed in years. But then again, it was technically Colin’s job to memorise lines. After I had typed the digits in, he put on yet another smile and crossed his arms awkwardly. “I’ll be here for another week or so. I thought I’d do a bit of sightseeing while I’m at it. Never been here before.”

I nodded approvingly and said a casual goodbye that he reciprocated, although seeming visibly reluctant in doing so. A stray thought stuck between the then and now that was meant to be uttered out. But then I had already started walking again until I could only feel his stares biting into my back and I had to force myself not to turn my head to look at him one more time. It was like ripping off a band-aid, really. Once we had turned the next corner, I felt the weight being lifted from my shoulders entirely.

***

“This wasn’t quite what I was expecting.” Hiroki was sitting next to me like a proper pile of wet laundry, a beer in front of him on the table between us.

Yeah, considering our touchy-feely attitude before we’d both thought about going home … until Colin had appeared. I knew Hiro was aware of why we ended up in a shady, little izakaya then after all. The mood in here was smooth and slick like honey and had claimed a similar colour, too. Everything glowed and shone like dipped in golden sun rays; staff raced from one end to the other and old sararī man dressed in black sat there after their long work day either depressed or laughing about nothing of importance with their colleagues.

Had Colin cut me out of a night full of good sex or had he appeared at exactly the right moment for me to realise that what I had been about to do was a huge mistake? I just knew that Hiro was pissed that he couldn’t touch me this way nor be close to me. I felt his unsure glances and saw his pouts and heard his sighs but I didn’t feel like comforting him. I was in a God damn awful bad mood.

“Who was that guy anyway?”

I hesitated before trying to answer his question. I didn’t quite know where to start with this, honestly. I didn’t feel like responding but thought he deserved as much. “Met him in London. We had a thing back then. But he hadn’t contacted me until now.”

I searched his face for a fitting reaction but to my own surprise he didn’t seem to be taken aback in the slightest. He had his sleeves rolled and his elbows propped up on the table but much to my dismay I realised that it didn’t quite have the same effect like when Colin did it. “I thought you’d wanted to be more careful? Shagging a random bloke you find on the streets doesn’t sound like it.”

“Shh,” I reprimanded him, even though I knew no one paid attention or could even hear us, the music and chatter was just too loud. It still felt bad talking about such a private matter in public. “He didn’t know me and London is about as far away as Narnia. I call that careful enough.”

“Guys always think with their dicks, honestly,” he rolled his eyes and I laughed.

“You’re one to talk. What did you think we’d be doing tonight?”

Hiro shrugged nonchalantly in front of me but I could sense a fleeting smile on his lips nonetheless. He was a brat indeed, one of the worst I had ever encountered and he was immature and quite childish every now and then. But at times like these, when he acted all-knowing and almost sophisticated, I always ended up feeling astonished. I guessed sometimes I just wanted him to stay this cute, little boy that did not know any better as to be jealous and clingy all the time to the point of enraging me forever – so I could go on telling myself that he was just a toy for me to play with and nothing more. But I did have to own up to the fact that he was growing up and developing all the while. He was no child anymore and of course he wanted me to know.

“Yeah,” he went on, his eyes avoiding mine. A sip from his beer. Then he bit his lip. “Of course. We’ve been flirting the whole time. I’d much rather be somewhere else right now.”

I nodded and searched for his hands on the table but did not dare to touch them in the end. He was a good person. I did like him. He was not a toy. But he also didn’t make my mind go crazy and my heart desperate. I myself still didn’t know what I was going after. I could, here and now, settle for Colin. But then what would I decide on exactly? Surely not to be with him, right? Even if he’d wanted to be in a relationship with me, even if – how would that even work? It wouldn’t. So I was at a loss for words and actions, I realised. It did not matter. It did not matter at all.

“I like you, Hiro-Chan, you know I do,” I tried to console him the only way I knew as I reached for his hands after all and he flinched at my touch, startled, “but it wouldn’t be anything more for me, I’m afraid. I don’t love you.”

I watched him nod lazily but understandingly, his eyes still not meeting mine but at least he didn’t pull his hands away. So we sat like this for a while, not exchanging any words or glances. I guessed he needed this to calm down and collect himself and eventually he came to.

“You know? I really needed to hear that, thank you,” Hiroki mused and finally he lifted his gaze but drew his hands away from under mine. “I’ve known that of course. Didn’t want to believe it, however,” he laughed a short lived laugh but it was full of genuine warmth and so I smiled, too.

“It’s been years since we last came together, though,” I tried to make him remember.

“Oh, we came all right.” A wide grin on his lips that gradually evolved into a full-on laugh and I just had to chime in. A boy at heart, always.

“Would you please stop being so suggestive in public,” I told him off with a flicker in my eyes and a smile upon my lips still; the tension in the air rose again from out of nowhere. He was my ex after all. There’d always be this special kind of connection.

He then fell silent for a few minutes and was suddenly eager to empty his glass. I saw it in his face that he thought about us and our affair back in the day. His ears grew hot. “I don’t need to hear I-love-you’s. And I don’t need to know which guy you’re seeing. But I am still serious about earlier. I want to come home with you.”

“I– Hiroki, I don’t know,” I followed my first reflex because I knew I shouldn’t but then I awoke to the whole situation at hand and everything fell into place. Colin had come here to seek me out, yes. But it had been half a year at least since we’d last seen each other. He couldn’t leave London, I couldn’t leave Japan. Even if those feelings were real – No, it definitely was better to let them fade away. “You know what? Yes. My place is not far away. Let’s go.”

***

At first it was kind of awkward to let him inside my flat and close the door behind us. I’d moved since we’d broken up, so he’d never been here before. My dogs were currently at a friend’s who sometimes took care of them when I was away for longer periods of time, so there was no one and nothing at all greeting us but an uncomfortable silence.

I watched him look around the apartment curiously like a cautious cat. It was big for Japan’s standards but not as much for Tokyo’s. That should explain him being impressed, at least a bit.

“It appears you have good taste after all,” he commented cheekily as he turned around with one of his dazzling grins.

My living room was bright and mainly ruled by colour combinations of wood brown, white, grey and black. There were lots of little indirect lights and a huge glass front on one side, covered with white curtains but you could still see the colourful glow of the city below us. As much as I loved touring and seeing so much of the world, I adored being home – I just felt at ease here.

“You’re here with me, I suppose that counts for some,” I purred in his ear after I had closed the short distance between us and rested my underarms on his shoulders. He seemed intrigued and melted into my touch exactly the proper way I needed him to this moment. He still smelled sweet and familiar; a touch of a bitter alcoholic aroma in between. I grazed his ears with my lips tenderly. “How do you want me to take you?”

Suddenly the awkwardness disappeared and sparks full of electricity filled the room. It was like back then once more and all the memories came rushing back. It felt so natural and easy to touch him again and to feel his warmth. I was hot all over and it reached my throat and neck and ears. I could feel him shiver beneath my hands and every thought of any other person in this moment was just gone.

He gasped for air and I felt him brush through my locks nervously. It had been so long that it almost felt like the first time all over again. Like our first encounter. Unsure and tentative but also full of hot want and arousal. A step forward and I could feel his hard dick pressing into my thigh again.

“You decide–“ His soft voice broke. “I want you to decide.”

This was the code word, really. Hiro didn’t want to have vanilla sex, which we had had occasionally. He wanted me to lead, to dominate him. And I had missed it so much that I had forgotten about this special longing for it altogether. I had enjoyed being called “princess” by Colin, I wouldn’t deny that by any means. But Hiroki was such a perfect little sub that my lungs felt like inhaling fire and smoke right now. It burned inside of me, this desire, and so I snapped and pulled him into my bedroom before pushing him down onto the bed in front of me.

“Clothes off.”

The lights in here weren’t turned on but there was still a shimmer coming in from the living room; it was just about bright enough for me to observe Hiro’s facial expressions closely.

He obliged immediately and pulled off his hoodie and pants without a word; his shoes already discarded somewhere along the way. Now he was sitting there in front of me; only in his briefs and panting softly with arousal tainting his breath.

“You know better than that,” I scolded him with this strict tone in my voice I had honestly missed using the last couple of years. “All clothes off.”

He held my gaze and I could see a flicker of nervousness in his eyes, but in the end he did as he was told and finally sat there naked. The fine mist of light made his skin look amber coloured and so exposed. His stiff cock pressed against his stomach; twitching beautifully whenever my eyes fell upon it. I myself finally felt the heat rise in the pit of my stomach and it became hard to contain myself. I wanted to push and break him; to pull him to the edge and leave him there. To suck up every breath he offered me and let him beg for more.

“You feel safe now, princess? I swear you won’t do so for much longer.” With my right hand I pushed him onto the bed by his chest and held him there with all my strength as he gasped delightfully for air. Our noses almost touched and I inhaled his breath but I didn’t lean down far enough to kiss him; not yet.

Then I got up again and opened the fly of my jeans; pulled the fabric down and felt the rush of cold air on my cock. I hadn’t been this excited for a long time. And even if this didn’t mean anything, it still felt so dangerously good. I wanted him all over me and hear his pleas and moans. And right this moment I knew why I had once loved fucking him.

“Get on your fucking knees, you little slut,” I ordered him with a cold stare and again, he obliged without a word.

I felt his body heat on my own skin as he tested the waters with light touches and careful fingertips. I didn’t want him to, however, and so I quickly decided on using a rope to tie his hands on his back. I grabbed it from out of my nightstand, which I hadn’t used in a long, long while, and when I stood in front of him again he knew fair well what I was about to do.

“Get up and turn around.”

He did as he was told, heart beating fast and loud in his chest, and I tied up his skinny arms. He drew in a breath sharply since I might have laced it up a tad too tight but I did not care and neither did he. Then I ordered him back on his knees again.

Now that he was kneeling there like a good little boy, my heart skipped a beat at the mere sight of it. His eyes shimmered beautifully as if he’d tear up any moment and his mouth was opened invitingly. I tenderly traced his lips with my thumb and he closed his eyes in response; relishing in this feeling I was gracing him with. I could not wait to feel his warm mouth finally engulfing me again. Feeling his tongue and throat and seeing him gasping for air in desperation.

“Suck my dick until it’s wet.”

Seeing that he almost immediately leaned forward to lick at my cock and sigh in pleasure at the first taste, I concluded that he had to have waited for this moment for a lot longer than I had even. Almost as if he was made solely for this purpose alone. He did not flinch when I pushed my groin closer to his face and he did not care about getting saliva all over his face. I missed him worshipping my cock so badly.

I combed through his brown, soft hair delicately and closed my eyes for a few seconds; just savouring every little twitch and flicker that shot through my body like an inferno. But suddenly I was back at the hotel in London again and sensed Colin’s hands over my torso and backside; his breath wafting over my shaft and his grin wide and teasing on my skin.

I opened up my eyes again and decided that it was enough. My heart beat way too fast for my tastes. “Open up your pretty mouth.”

Again, he did as he was told and watched me intently as I pushed myself past his lips. He wheezed and I groaned and then he finally began sucking on my dick for real. It felt heavenly. He knew exactly what to do, even after so many years. Even with his hands tied back. He was completely wrapped up in it; as though this here was his only remaining purpose and I could not even begin to describe how lovely he looked right this second.

With my hands still in his hair, I held his head steady and tried a few careful thrusts which he took in gladly and with ease. Sometimes I thought he’d been born without a gag reflex and this thought enticed me immensely. I could not hold back my moans any longer and so my pace grew faster, more rapid and careless. But he still took me in so willingly; his eyes were closed and there was a precious tint of pink on his flushed cheeks. Not once did he gag as I pressed myself deeper and deeper and oh fuck, it felt so heavenly. A fire in the pit of my stomach that gradually spread through my whole body.

This lasted for a few minutes and while I was enjoying it to the fullest, it was still not quite enough. He’d once told me that he loved face-fucking the most out of everything. To let someone use him like that was his greatest bliss and that thought turned me on even more. I was now pressed inside his mouth as far as it would go, he’d taken me all in and I saw in his eyes that he was struggling to breathe, so I let go of him and pulled out my wet cock. He immediately gasped and heaved and panted in distress, pain and lust after I’d pulled out and I watched him for a few seconds until he had regained his composure, then I stroked his cheek.

“Will you be a good boy and climb onto the bed?”

Just as before, Hiro only nodded, swallowed hard and then obeyed without a word. With his hands still tied behind his back and his backside facing me, he waited for me a bit awkwardly. I knew that he would be so deliciously tight this way. But then I noticed something silvery and shiny between his butt cheeks and stopped slightly baffled in my tracks before breaking out into short laughter.

“Are you serious?” I chuckled as I touched the base of the steel butt plug he’d apparently inserted earlier himself. He shuddered. “When did that happen?”

“I– When I know that I’ll be seeing you … sometimes I do that,” he admitted with a shy, almost unnoticeable voice. And now it was I who had to gasp for air.

Of course I didn’t know. But thinking about all the times we’d briefly met at concerts and festivals over the past few years! I had a feeling that I should probably punish him for that but it turned me on so much that I swallowed this first urge down. “Like back then …”

“Like back then.”

I heard my own breathing ringing in my ears as I felt myself snap again; there was the end of my tether once more. He just had this strange power over me that made me someone I could not recognise at times. It wasn’t anger and it wasn’t aversion but it did make me have a short fuse. Sometimes these feelings deep in my stomach scared me; they sat low and growled and were like a fire pit inside of me. I wanted to hurt him, just a little. Just to show that I was still in charge here. And so I pressed his upper body harder down onto the bed, he yelped softly in surprise. Then I leaned close to his ear.

“You know you shouldn’t have done that.”

He nodded.

“You know I’m gonna fuck you so hard that you won’t be thinking of wearing that the next

few weeks.”

Again, a nod from him.

I pulled off my shirt with one hand a bit clumsily and walked to the bedside table to get out some lube and a condom. Hiroki remained as frozen in this position as possible; only his chest rose and fell from his shallow breathing. He looked to be as eager as I felt. It’d been so long for me and I hadn’t asked him how long it’d been for him.

As I was standing right behind him again, I stroked his back lightly and drowned in this sight. My cock twitched and I slowly exhaled thinking about what was coming next. I missed seeing him so ready and needy in front of me; just waiting for my cock and orders and insults. Only last time he had talked back more fervently. So I put on the condom and applied some lube with slow strokes; tilting back my head, I felt all those lights and flashes roar through my body. I let out a low sigh and a smile escaped my quivering lips.

I wanted him; here and now. Or maybe I just wanted this intimate and mundane feeling of the time we once had. I would be lying when I said I did not think about Colin once.

“You want my cock, right?” I asked him and began rubbing myself against his bum; spreading lube everywhere. Right in front of me, Hiro nodded again. “Tell me how much you want my cock.”

A short unsure silence followed suit. I knew he was still horny as fuck and I could see his hard cock twitch between his legs because he knew I was watching him closely. He liked me watching him in these awkward positions because it embarrassed him and all I ever wanted was to fuck this humiliation out of him. After I had inflicted it upon him, of course.

“I want you to fill me up,” he croaked out in response after a while; his voice rich of both shakiness and arousal. It made me so high to think about how he couldn’t touch himself in this position – a game we’d played so often before but it never got old. He wanted to feel so defenceless and totally at my mercy, he wanted me to lead him and tell him what to do. That was why we were so perfect for one another. Like two puzzle pieces. I loved all of the sensations he made me feel. But it was just a game and nothing more. “Please. Take me.”

“You know I won’t untie your hands this time,” I purred from behind him as I reached for the base of the butt plug and began pulling it out slowly but probably still a tad too fast for his taste because I heard him exhale sharply in response. But the thing was: I did not care at all in this moment. He loved pain and pain I gave him. “You can beg for it, though.”

The thought of him wearing the plug all day, and only for me on top of that, just because he’d imagined being fucked by me again, had me almost go up in flames right then and there. He was ready to use, just like that. And though it felt somehow weird to have no bodily reaction from him, no real passion with body pressing against body and lips against lips, I knew that he loved it this way, too. Taking him against the wall or even entangled lying on the bed on top of each other would feel neither right nor genuine coming from me and he knew it. For Christ’s sake, it’d stir up his hopes all over again would we have done it any differently.

I felt his body shiver beneath my hands that graced the soft skin on his back; followed my fingertip down his spine with my eyes and counted every vertebra until I had found this one birthmark my hand finally stopped at. The lust in the air was so thick it felt hard to breathe and I knew he longed to be fucked. I bet his hole started to feel so empty and was aching for more. And so I gripped his hips tightly and guided my cock inside of him.

Finally, the blissful feeling of warm tightness surrounding me. For a moment, time stood still and I could hear nothing anymore; no sounds reached my ears and only after that did I realise that I had begun to groan loudly.

I knew Hiro was wheezing down there and trying to steady his breath after I’d just thrusted in without any warning and without concerning myself with being gentle. But it just felt so good and once again, I did not care. I was already up in him as far as it would go; right up to my throbbing balls. The plain sight of it was dangerously exciting. How he swallowed me whole. And I was not the smallest guy by any means.

Hiro panted; his breathing shallow and heavy on his tongue. His needy voice, that I had missed so much, made my dick twitch inside of him and he shuddered delightfully in response. I grinned. “You’ve missed that, right?”

Hiro nodded well-behaved; his skin now hot to the touch. It had always felt kind of evil; kind of dirty – to fuck your friend’s younger brother without him knowing. Without anyone knowing and with said brother loving it with every fibre of his quivering body. How he could beg for more and take so much in and be such a good little fuck but play the lady killer in public. It made my heart jump. Right here, this mattered. This and nothing else. Then I slowly started to move inside of him and he exhaled in surprise and everything else was again dissolved into nothingness.

He was so tight and so wet from the lube and I could feel my fingertips boiling with my heartbeat pulsating in them as he tried to push himself back against my cock; to meet my thrusts in between the best he could with his hands still tied back. He wanted more as it obviously didn’t hurt him yet enough. I drew in a breath sharply.

“Have I permitted you to move?” I grunted and was almost alarmed by how foreign, threatening and deep my voice sounded. I held his hips steady and rushed a few times forward at a rapid speed that made the back of my head grow cloudy. It was all too much; the pressure, this sight of him, the feeling of using him, the power, the familiarity, his scent. I just wanted to fuck him senseless until he could not even beg anymore. He deserved it, he so totally did. He was everything I could concentrate on right this second and it felt weirdly freeing after all these months of longing.

“No, I’m sorry.” His voice was still shaky and breathless but he could still moan and sigh rhythmically to my long, hard thrusts. His arching back was a lovely sight to behold but still not quite enough for me. I wanted to look him in his cloudy eyes and watch him coming; to see his stiff cock rock back and forth without getting touched.

“Thought as much.” Losing the rhythm for a moment, I grabbed his shoulder and turned him around abruptly with one single but harsh motion after I had pulled out of him. The moment he realised that his back had suddenly collided with the mattress was so pleasing; the brief shock reflected in his amber coloured eyes made the smirk on my lips grew even wider.

There he lay on his back in front of me in the dim lit, much too warm room. Helpless. Exposed. And oh so pretty. His arms still tied up behind his back had to have hurt under his weight in such an awkward position but as long as I carried out my threat and fucked him mercilessly, there was no way he would complain. He knew fair well what he had gotten himself into tonight.

I watched as he parted his lips slightly but didn’t dare say anything before I slid inside his warm tightness again. The high it got me was beyond any words. I felt myself closing my eyes instinctively because the sensation was just too overpowering.

Not shorty after did I begin pressing into him relentlessly and without sympathy. I heard him whimper and cry and little sobs leave his wet mouth. Eyes closed. Back arched. His balls were so hard and tight and didn’t look like they could last any longer; the dark red tip of his cock gleaming with pre-cum. But the desperation in his hooded eyes when partly opened was the absolute greatest of it all. His head jerked backwards every time I thrust into him and it made him look like a pretty little doll.

Somewhere along the line our breathing began matching each other’s and I lost track of my heartbeat in my ears. All I could see was him. It made my heart so full and contented I swear it felt like bursting out of my chest. But I also felt myself growing more impatient and accelerated and I made sure to let him know. His eyes seemed to beg for more and I could not wait to give it to him.

“You love being used like that, princess?” I hummed in a sweet honey-like voice and took his breath away with a few unreasonably hard thrusts. Hiro nodded weakly; the blush on his cheeks not leaving the shadow of his nose even once. I could see him break into little pieces and it made my insides tingle.

“I can’t hold it any longer …”

But it wasn’t a plea; it wasn’t enough despair for me to actually meet him halfway. He knew I wanted to hear more than that. This wasn’t our first time but I was so close to coming. “Say that again,” I threatened him and gripped his neck tightly. He struggled to breathe.

“Please, Masato … please.”

“What ‘please’?” I growled and ripped his head back by his hair. A chocked howl from his mouth; eyes squeezed shut. He loved every second of it. “Use your fucking mouth.”

For a second I thought he had started to cry for real. The sobs on his tongue sounded so delightful. I wanted more of that noise he made; see him in even more pain and pleasure at the same time. “Please let me come, please. I can’t–“

I couldn’t take it anymore. It was all too much. He looked so fucking pretty bound and gagged with despair and helpless like this. A single tear rolled down his cheek but I knew it was just pure lust and ache for a final release. I didn’t feel it when I picked up the speed a tad too fast and he didn’t, either. In and out and bliss and sparks in front of my eyes and in my veins. Somewhere along I had started to stroke his dick half-heartedly and knew that it was both not enough and that it had to be sufficient all at once. Our groaning echoed in the bedroom but it was hard to care. Let the neighbours hear it, whatever.

Close to the edge, I leaned forward over his bound body; a few hard, fast thrusts and I was almost there. I was aware that I grazed the soft and sensitive skin of his hard cock in the process. This had to be enough for him; no more fucks to give. He knew what he’d gotten himself into after all. A kiss. Tongues, hot breath, a moan swallowed down from his wet, shaking lips. Warmth, explosion. And something wet spreading between our bodies.

Chapter 02

It had been awkward at first to untie him and clean up the mess we’d made in a bit of a silent contemplative manner but in the end we had pulled ourselves together. Sobered up. I didn’t regret doing this. It had been fun and we’d both definitely enjoyed it. Just gone with the flow and how everything would have played out naturally anyway. We were both adults and responsible for our actions and we wouldn’t have changed anything. It was just that I felt this deep heartache right beneath my rib cage slowly but surely crawling inside my lungs and I just wasn’t able to mend it.

None of us smoked at the window in the dark.

“You don’t regret this now, do you?”

His unsure voice came from somewhere behind me and spoke out exactly what bothered my troubled mind. I knew he’d preferred resting in my arms but I honestly didn’t feel like it and he didn’t complain. “Of course I don’t. It was fun. But it was obviously the last time for real.”

“No need to justify,” he mumbled but without seeing his face I could not determine if he truly meant it. Then a rustling of fabric and footsteps. Careful fingertips on my naked skin, caressing my back and hips. “We’ll put it down to a last goodbye for old times’ sake.”

It ought to have been quite the funny picture really – both of us looking so irrevocably lost and butt-naked in the doorway to my living room; hesitant to say or do anything wrong. The lights were far too bright and I would have loved to turn them off and just go to sleep.

“Thank you for taking me with you tonight, anyway.” As if on cat paws, Hiroki sneaked past me and came to a halt in front of my restless toes. Suddenly right then and there I could not manage to avoid his eyes any longer. They shimmered black in the dim lit room. Then he kissed me gently on the lips; his hands lingering on my neck and jaw but they felt so awfully broken on my skin somehow. It really felt like a goodbye. He was such a sweet boy but I hadn’t experienced anything more than lust with him and I was so sick and tired of feeling only lust. “Masato, I can’t change the fact that you don’t love me. And I’m sure it’s for the best if we don’t meet again. I just hope that you’ll find the one.”

“That’s way too mature, especially coming from you,” I snorted amused but gave him a quick appeasing kiss on his nose nonetheless. I could hear it echo in his cracked voice – that he just wanted to trigger a certain reaction from me. “I mean … such a cliché. I don’t think I’d be able to say anything like that–” to the guy I’m in love with.

“I’m right, though, aren’t I?”

I nodded and strolled past him into the kitchen to pour myself and him a glass of water. Normally I loved late night after-sex conversations but this one required digging so far into my soul that I felt the itch for cutting it off immediately deep in my bones. “You’re probably not wrong.”

“Do you think he means it?”

“Mean what?”

Hiroki leaned on the kitchen counter and watched me intently as I shoved a glass into his hand. “You haven’t heard from him in months and now he appears out of nowhere just like that?”

I shrugged and downed my drink in one go so that I didn’t need to answer him right away. Suddenly I felt the need to drink even more. Maybe another beer or two.

“Will you hear him out?”

“Christ, Hiroki, I don’t know yet,” I spat out and felt sorry for the harsh tone in my voice immediately after. But I did not apologise and instead opted for a calmer way of speaking when I opened my mouth again after that. “I thought you’d quit being jealous?”

The little boy in front of me took a deliberate sip from his glass; his eyes were cast over. I didn’t mean to be selfish or nasty to him in any way but I was also losing my patience. That little bit I’d had in the beginning, anyway. It was getting late and after the orgasm had subsided, there was nothing but numbness in its wake. That was almost always the case, anyway … when you’ve been basing your feelings on lust and passion – there was just nothing to replace it once the craving was gone.

“I’m not jealous, I’m serious. I care about you.”

“Yeah, would you mind and let me make my own mistakes, please?”

I slammed the glass relatively hard onto the counter, maybe a tad too hard because Hiro flinched right as my gaze fell on him. That anger from earlier had not left; quite the opposite had happened, honestly. And I shouldn’t be surprised. “Sorry, Hiro. I don’t wanna kick you out so late at night … but I think it’d be best if you go.”

“Okay,” he spat and his glass followed suit. “It’s totally fine if you’re angry at him or yourself but don’t take it out on me, seriously. I don’t know what you want from him, but London sure as hell seems to be as far away as fucking Narnia.”

Without another word Hiro left to get his things from the bedroom. It took him a short while to get dressed in silence but to me it felt like mere seconds. I was left a bit dumbfounded behind the kitchen counter and stared at the counter with our two glasses on top of it. I just couldn’t manage to lift my head to watch him leave but then the door already slammed shut with a rather loud bang and I was left alone again with my thoughts, still butt-naked.

***

It had been a few days and I still had not called. I couldn’t explain it but for some reason, whenever I was about to dial his number, my mind went totally blank. I didn’t know what to say or how to react. At times I didn’t even know what I wanted in the first place. The reason for calling him, for having his number. I didn’t even know if he was still in Japan. I could figure it out easily, of course. Just text him and get it over with but I just didn’t. And maybe I should listen to my gut feeling this time around.

I had typed and deleted a fair amount of messages already like some sort of schoolgirl cliché but it didn’t change the fact that I could not make out whether contacting him was the right thing to do or would get me into even more heartache trouble. So I kept on doing that for a few more days for good measure.

»Hey, Colin. Sorry for taking so long. Had to think. Didn’t want to call you. I miss you. You’re still in Japan? Masato.«

The last message I tried to send but didn’t, again, because I reconsidered the whole thing and threw the phone into the next corner where it landed somewhere next to me on the sofa. I sighed and rubbed my eyes with both hands. Tour was over, album released, interviews given. Suddenly I had all this free time on my hands and I didn’t know what to do with all of it. I felt overwhelmed if anything. This ringing aimlessness you get after you’d been studying for weeks on edge for an important exam and suddenly it’s over and it’s like you don’t exist any longer. I felt like crawling back into my little hole and don’t emerge again until next spring. Hibernate. And maybe all those problems would magically go away … a man can dream, right?

The thing with remaining in that state was that you didn’t get a single thing done. You’d either want to go big or go home and in my case I’d much rather stay in bed. So even the little things felt like a huge burden; doing the dishes, going for a walk with my dogs, even showering. I didn’t see the point but forced myself to do all of it anyway. I’d had been so fucking busy the past few months that it hadn’t been all that bad – this longing for Colin. But now it had come back full force. Seeing that I didn’t even feel like watching a film, I started googling weird shit and ended up typing in his name.

I mean, what could go wrong, right?

The first few pages were Wikipedia and IMBd; no sign of him on social media at all. Even though I’d known that already of course. Then I spotted a short video clip advertised on Google which looked to be a Trailer of a recent film. Of course I hadn’t heard about it and I hadn’t kept up with anything work related. I’d never actually thought about watching any of his films or shows. Strange? Maybe. Maybe it was because I’d find that kind of weird, too … if it was the other way around. But in the end my curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on the link.

However … to my absolute horror, I quickly realised that it was actually a gay romance and so I panicked after the first few seconds and paused it again. If I hadn’t lost my breath so very spectacularly that I spontaneously choked and had to cough, I probably would have laughed about these ironic circumstances. Once that was done, I buried my face in my hands to calm down my ridiculous bastard of a heart. I hadn’t watched him kill a person, so why could I not take it? Yeah, I had not expected anything like that but even I knew that I was being ridiculous.

“Christ, you’re absurd,” I mumbled to myself and took another deep breath before starting the video again. This time determined to watch it till the end. Hardly two minutes. I could take that …

It was not half as bad as I thought it would be. I did not feel like it was me in there, getting to know him, fortunately. I did not feel like suddenly all the world knew what I was up to. And good thing I didn’t feel any jealousy watching him kiss and shag another guy in front of me. At all. The dialogue was funny and realistic even and once I’d adjusted seeing him like that, I could let my guard down and enjoy looking at his face on screen. It still felt foreign, however. Like having met him had just been a dream after all. Because at the end of the day, let’s face it, I didn’t truly know him and this person on screen was not the Colin I had met. It was yet another figure, someone who was not him but looked it. It was like we had never met at all. The person in that film, Benjamin, was so painfully awkward that I couldn’t seem to connect the dots between him and Colin. He was a good actor. Colin had been rough and well-spoken and bold; so very witty at times that I could not handle him. He’d been huge confident smiles and perceptive touches. But he was oh-so beautiful still, I felt myself swoon and shivers run down my spine. The tips of my ears felt very hot all of a sudden.

Yeah … I should have known that that was a definite way of remembering how we ended up in bed. These days I stopped myself from even acknowledging the fact because it distracted me on such a high level that I did not seem to be able to function any longer. Up until this point, I had refrained from going any further, clicking through seas of pictures and videos; dwelling in past memories and letting the waves wash me away. But this time there was no one stopping me any longer, especially not me and I felt this massive wall that had held onto all of these feelings and it was crumbling fast.

“God, I should not be doing this,” I mumbled to myself and a hot sigh escaped my lips.

In front of me were all the pictures that came up when you typed in his name. Old and pretty recent ones too, it seemed. His eyes were drawing me in and his smile made my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. All of a sudden I felt his hands everywhere on my body; felt his itching stare and heard his honey-deep voice in my ears. His scratchy beard stubble rubbing my skin a rosy red. I remembered how it was like combing my fingers through his dark hair and how his breath touched my skin ever so lightly.

I searched for that one picture that made me go hot all over but instead clicked on the recommendation that added “body” to the mix and suddenly he was almost naked on most of them. A few weren’t him and some were obviously manipulations but the others caught me totally off-guard. It just added to my memories and imaginations; I could feel my fingers on his skin and rock-hard abs. I was kind of skinny too but I certainly wasn’t as buff as he was, which was funny when you thought about it. He didn’t look the type at all. His face was sort of androgynous and his smiles were open, warm and pretty. You could spend all those hours watching his lips move and being hypnotised by his lake blue eyes … so that you’d never guess what he hid underneath that sweater.

A rugged breath tumbled over my dry lips like an old elevator stopping in its tracks. I had been so frozen in shock and pure bliss that I had forgotten what it was like to breathe through my nose and to wet my lips. The laptop sat on my lap a bit uncomfortably, so I pushed it a few inches away towards my knees. It was easy, drowning in this sea of feelings and shivers if I only let myself. Lust drunken, I slid my hand over my clothed chest lazily down towards where my jeans sat loosely on my hips. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears already and the cold air hurt weirdly in my nose when I inhaled.

He was everything and nothing in my mind right now and that was all that mattered right this second. Different to how I felt when I was with Hiroki. A different kind of pain and a different kind of mind numbness. I liked this one a lot better. I wasn’t angry anymore and I didn’t do this out of spite; it was a kind of bitter-sweet longing and pain deep in my chest. A kind of pain you wanted more of.

It felt heavenly when I touched my hard dick through the fabric of my jeans. I quickly opened the fly and reached inside to adjust it so that it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable anymore. I felt kinda bad that I was about to get off to one of his pictures. But then again … would he mind? It also felt kinda off-limits. Something you don’t do but kind of wished that he’d know about. That he’d watch you jerk off to his face. Something I wouldn’t want him to find out and yet … it was hot.

I first thought about only getting my dick out – low effort – but then I reconsidered and got rid of my jeans and briefs at once. It just felt better and I could relax. I sighed as I fantasised about what it would be like to get rid of all this fabric covering him still and stroking his broad chest. Instead I finally grabbed my cock in a firm grip. I felt my knees weaken the moment I touched myself. It wasn’t the fact that it had been too long for me, it obviously hadn’t. But it was different getting off on the thought of him. It was a different feeling and a different orgasm. I tried thinking about his deep voice and the commands he’d give me; about the belittling but loving names he’d call me. The strength with which he’d pin me down. With him, I just wanted to lose all control and give him all my “yes’s” that I had to offer, not the other way around.

Even though it wasn’t that warm in my apartment, my breath left my tongue boiling hot and little shivers almost had me taken off my shirt as well. I watched my hand tug at my dick and wished it was him all the while studying the hair on his chest and his deep set eyes on those photos. I felt my breath become rapid and my movements faster. It was like a rush; all lights out. My vision grew blurry and I closed my eyes–

But then my phone rang.

“Fuck,” I blurted out, totally startled by the horrifyingly loud sound of the device. I thought I had muted it but here we were – a ringing phone and my dick still rock-hard.

I wasn’t one to ditch a call and it would have felt wrong to ignore it and continue on with my endeavours unperturbed … so I frantically tried to calm down my breathing and my overwhelmed heart and blindly fished for my phone. Why on earth now? I didn’t know any better, I was just so startled and felt eerily caught red-handed. I didn’t even think about checking the caller’s ID or bothering with polite etiquette and just straight up answered the call crimson-faced and hoped the other person wouldn’t notice.

“–Moshi moshi …”

There was a long pause at the other end of the line, and then someone cleared his throat.

“Masato, is that you?”

“I–”

I had to swallow a huge lump in my throat twice before I could muster up the courage to say anything that made sense. I knew I wasn’t dreaming, I was sure this was Colin, it had to be …

“Yes. Sorry, who are you again?”

Had to ask. Just for the record. His accent was as thick as ever and the tone in his deep voice sent shivers down my spine. My cock wasn’t hard anymore after this mess but I sure as hell felt ridiculously pitiful with my butt and junk out like that, answering calls from basically strangers.

“Er … it’s Colin. Sorry. Your sudden Japanese messed with my ability to form coherent sentences.”

Yeah. Here I was; sitting like a huge loser naked on my couch and trying not to let him hear my agitated inhales and exhales of far too dangerously needed air. I hadn’t noticed that I had smacked my free hand on my face to prevent him from seeing it, which he obviously couldn’t anyway. Hopefully.

“I–” Again, the sheer loss of my words was astounding. He had to have thought I’d lost every trait of a normal human being. “Sorry, Colin, give me a moment …”

I just couldn’t sit here like that and talk to him as if nothing had ever happened. So I quickly searched for my briefs and pants and put them on before picking up the phone again; this time a little less embarrassed. It made things at least a bit more bearable under these circumstances.

“So, here we are …”

“Yes, I suppose so …”

“How are you calling?”

“How? …I don’t understand.”

I listened to him breathe calmly on the other end of the line. There were no other noises besides our silence, so he had to be somewhere private. Maybe at home even.

“I mean … how did you get my number?” I whispered as though somebody could hear us after all. It didn’t even feel real. Awkward. We’d never talked on the phone before; it had been months before I’d seen him again a few days ago. I didn’t know how to shake this unpleasant feeling off of me.

“You … did send me a message earlier, didn’t you?”

Oh no. Oh no. I couldn’t quite tell him that I hadn’t intended to send it to him, could I?

“Er … yes. I guess so. Yeah …”

Stupid fucking Irish bastard. Even if I’d sent it knowingly – I hadn’t expected him to go full-on nuts and call me right away?! In which world was that acceptable? I scratched my head nervously and waited for his next move. I was honestly as awkward as the next guy in real life, especially in situations I’m thrown into just like that. So this could only get progressively worse.

“I’m sorry if my call took you by surprise. It’s just … I really did miss you, too. And I’d thought about you when I got your message. So I just called.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just didn’t say anything at all. I couldn’t tell if this ache in my stomach was the result of me being happy or not being able to accept what was happening. Maybe I was just weary; suspicious. I couldn’t see through him and it bothered me.

“I’m still in Japan, by the way …”

Obviously, I was still attracted to him. Or else this encounter wouldn’t have been so damn awkward on my side. I wouldn’t have searched for a picture to jerk off to. And if I’d been more careful, I probably wouldn’t have sent the message by accident.

But I just couldn’t bring out a word, so I heard him sigh in the background. “Listen … I’m really sorry for what happened. I can’t make you fancy me and I’d understand if it’s been too long since then. We only hooked up once after all. It’s crazy to act like that after a One-Night-Stand.”

I frantically searched for anything that caught my attention and glued me into place. Anything that could tell me what to say next. What to think next. But I couldn’t find anything. Couldn’t think of a single argument. The room was bright from the shadows of the day and white and grey and black. My dogs were asleep. And the couch beneath me felt far too firm. It was so hard to concentrate. There had been a time when I’d known what I wanted to say to him but it was all gone now. “I’m honestly so bad at this on the phone. You’re still in Japan? Then let’s meet up.”

Breathing on the other end. I couldn’t believe what I had just blurted out and so I bit my lip so hard I didn’t feel the ache anymore after a short second. I knew it was silly worrying about his response when it was him calling me and telling me that he missed me. I just couldn’t help it.

“Yes,” he responded at last and I could hear him ponder over my rushed words. “Yes, let’s do that.”

***

We decided to meet up in Sakae this evening when the sun had already set and had left us with a dark cloak of anonymity. The lights were flashing bright and the laughter of cheerful night owls lay thickly in the early autumn air. That’s why I wanted to meet him in the Sakae Park instead. It wasn’t big or anything, but at least it wasn’t that far away from Sakaemachi Station but also not directly next to Kibo no hiroba, Oasis 21 or Nagoya terebi tō. Sakae was, after all, a busy downtown area and lively throughout the night. But I honestly felt more comfortable talking with him here. Not at home. Not at another Izakaya. It was dark and late and most people chose going shopping or doing karaoke over strolling through a dimly lit park in the middle of the night.

Nervously, I clutched my grey coat closer to my body and pulled my baseball cap down low over my face. It wasn’t that tremendously cold yet but this mild uneasiness in my bones made my whole frame shake and shiver. I was sitting on a small wooden bench and waited for my heart to calm down. Why did it feel like meeting an ex in order to sort out confused feelings after a nasty breakup? Something inside my head tried to tell me that it would go away eventually. I should ignore it. But acknowledging his sudden appearance made it far too real all of a sudden and my feelings started to bubble up inside of me uncontrollably.

I put up my hands to my face to breathe on them; warming them up. They were ice cold. And my heart raced for miles. My feet wouldn’t hold still. Each and every little noise startled me. I was on high alert and I hated myself for acting so childishly. That I couldn’t control my emotions at all. We’d played at the Budokan. We’d made it. Friends, family and other bands we were close friends with came to congratulate us. There were flowers and cards and it was filmed. We’d truly made it in Japan. You know you’d made it when you’d played at the Budokan. We’d accomplished so many truly insane things. We were in our 30’s. But I guess there was still something missing …

“Masato?”

When I looked up, Colin squinted down at me. I couldn’t quite see it in the dark – only the back of his head was illuminated by the street lights and made his face appear even darker – but I’d thought I’d seen a small smile.

“Hi,” I replied as I got up somewhat hesitantly. But there was nothing to wait for. I couldn’t exactly stay here on this bench. The greeting was awkward and it seemed like we both didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t shake his hand and I sure as hell didn’t try to hug him. He didn’t, either. He had to have been warry after our last meeting. Couldn’t blame him.

“Wasn’t so hard to get here, was it?”

“No,” he shook his head accompanied by the thick accent in his dark voice. Again, a shiver ran down my spine and let the little hairs all over my body stand on end. He was taller than me still, of course, and in the blurry darkness I could sense the outline of his body and it was hard not to touch him right then and there after all.

For a short second I tried to recall all of those strange happenings that had led to us meeting here. Plot twists and incidents you’d only expect to find in films and novels. He’d come to Japan because of me; to find me. I had to keep reminding me of that fact over and over again so as not to make a huge mistake. I owed him a second chance. I owed him that much. And I knew I had to forgive myself as well. I owed me, too.

“Should we just … walk for a while?”

“Fine by me,” I heard him laugh light hearted as though we were planning on going to a tea party instead. Sometimes I worried that he might not feel the same agony I had felt. This longing and itching for his fingertips on my skin. His lips on mine. His laughter in my ears. But I knew I had to rely on my faith this time. He showed affection differently. I knew he cared. He had to.

As soon as we started walking slow little rounds across the tiny park, I felt my shoulders lift and become lighter already. I exhaled deeply and risked a hesitant side glance to try and guess how his face looked but it was just too dark. It wasn’t as cold anymore; maybe because I wasn’t sitting on this cold bench anymore, maybe because I felt the warmth of his body radiating towards me in a soft, caressing brush of air. It was him then who raised his voice softly to speak first.

“I’m sorry you had to come here to meet me, this could have been handled a lot better,” he mumbled under his hot breath with his eyes glued to the path in front of us. He wasn’t unsure, he didn’t sound like it; it was just his accent all over again. “But I want you to know that I’m still sorry about it all. I was so preoccupied with life … I didn’t realise what was happening. Before I knew … half a year had passed. And I couldn’t forget you.”

I swallowed hard and gave myself a few more moments to let it sink in. This wasn’t news to me. I believed him that he had missed me and that he cared for me. That he liked me. I had forgiven him, deep known. I knew it. But I was wrestling with far scarier demons – what was about to happen? What if we liked each other? What then? What would it lead to if we were on the other ends of the world; separated because of work and life?

When I looked at him; when I thought of him … I didn’t think of him as a fling. I longed for him, yes, but there were feelings. Huge, scary feelings. Something I had scarcely felt before. An affair just wasn’t in the picture here. I wanted more. More or nothing at all. So at my age … it was natural to think this far already now, wasn’t it?

“I feel like such a stupid mug, really,” he suddenly laughed into the silence before I could say anything first. It sounded apologetic enough to stop me in my tracks and make me start listen closely again. “I’ve never met anyone like you. That scared me.”

“I believe you, you know,” it broke out of me just like that. And I breathed out exhaustedly as if I had held my breath the whole time. “I think that had to be said. I believe you and I … guess I feel the same. Only that I’ve committed to those feelings a bit … faster. I’m trying to get over myself here.”

“Yeah … I guess we both are.”

During the last few minutes we had involuntarily started walking closer to the other, as if an invisible power had drawn us together. We didn’t look where we were going anymore or didn’t care. We were just walking. And thinking. And sometimes listening to the other’s breathing. Somewhere in the distance the muffled sounds of cars and voices.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Did you hook up with your ex-boyfriend that night?” he whispered a bit lost and for the first time ever I could actually sense that his feelings for me might just be real after all. Even if it was only jealousy. It was dripping off his tongue and it made me smile and warm me up from the inside. “I know it’s none of my business … And I swear I’m not judging, but–”

“Yes, I did.” Again, I couldn’t hold onto myself. But I also wanted him to stop babbling awkward nonsense. I could sense that he wasn’t used to feeling like this and to say things like these. Even if I wasn’t, either. I tried. “It didn’t mean anything, though.”

“I guess I deserved that then,” he chuckled clumsily and a second later, his hand accidentally brushed mine and he jumped but he did not pull away.

“It’s not about deserving anything or not. I didn’t do that to mess with you. I might have been disappointed … or frustrated. And I guess he was there.”

Finally I risked a fleeting glance at Colin and I could see him nod in the dark. I wanted to be honest with him because that was what it took. The bare minimum. “I see … Well, colour me jealous, then.”

I smirked silently and tried my hardest not to let him see or hear it; I was just so amused by our little conversation that I ignored each and every little voice in my head and put my arm around his shoulders to pull him closer to me. Just as I had done with Hiro that night, only that Colin was far taller than me and his broad shoulders felt heavenly. Finally I could touch him; allowed myself to touch him. And the best part was: I felt him melting under my fingertips as well.

“Nothing to be jealous about, but I appreciate your honesty. We fought again. There’s a reason why he’s my ex …”

I felt myself slowly gaining more control over this situation and my own feelings. It lifted my spirits into the sky and my chest felt like it was about to explode. Something I hadn’t felt for years and years. My fingertips were hot, as were the tips of my ears. I smiled; brightly, until my ears hurt. This felt so right. It felt like he was finally mine. I couldn’t think about all the issues confronting us like swallowed demons anymore. Finally I had made up my mind that I wouldn’t let them tonight.

“I like this …” I listened to him hum; the vibration in his voice ringing nicely comforting in my ears as he nestled closer to me. It was like the ice between us had finally melted into nothingness and had just left enough water at our ankles to make us shiver with anticipation of what was to come. “You know I was at your concert, right?”

“You were?”

“I picked you up next to the venue, didn’t I?”

His words slightly startled me, so I didn’t really think anything of it as I let go of his shoulders subconsciously. We had stopped walking and stood there, in the middle of the street. Somehow, somewhen … we had left the park, apparently. “I … wow, now you’re pushing, huh? … Since when did you know?”

It was brighter now, seeing that we were on an actual street with lots of colourful neon lights and passing cars, so I could see his face; and his dark blue eyes glistened exhilarated, dimples pulling at his cheeks. Dark stubble framed his face nicely. But this time, he didn’t wear a beanie. I wondered. “A while. You know that your face pops up when you type in one of your songs, right?” he laughed with a high pitch in his voice; his eyes almost closed. “That song you were singing back at the hotel? Yeah …”

“Don’t tell me you remembered the lines. We only now published the song.”

“I had tried to search for it before. I found it weird that it never got me anywhere. And then … suddenly it did.”

Silence. I gave myself some moments to mull this over. Had he even found me had I sang a different song back then? Had he even wanted to in the first place? And was that even important?

“You can’t imagine my face when I realised that was you. I felt so stupid. And then … sort of turned on.”

“Oh jeez, would you–” I stumbled over my own words and transformed my first impulse, namely to push my hand hard against my face, into holding his mouth shut instead, literally. Then we both laughed out loud about all the tension and awkwardness and pleasant static in the air between us until he shoved my hand away.

“I sucked you off and came all over your shoes; I bet you can bear to hear some words.”

“Oh my God, Colin …” I smiled unbelievingly as I turned away to continue walking but I was still amused all the same. Funny how I’ve always thought that I needed to be in charge when it was actually the other way around. “It’s just that I … it’s weird, yeah? And then you went to see the concert?”

He nodded. “Not quite my kind of music … but the energy was infectious. I had the time of my life, really,” he again broke out into warm laughter and I felt myself relax into his voice. How could he draw me in so easily?

We walked alongside the street now; people passed us but didn’t look at us. Sometimes they did. Probably because of Colin’s foreign appearance. Walking next to him, I had to have looked more foreign, too.  I didn’t know where we were going, but I was hyper aware that we were now surrounded by other people and the public. It felt nice, however, to have walked out of the pitch black park; at least it was a stark contrast to the street leading to Oasis 21.

“You know … It’s kind of embarrassing to say, but I find it mildly ironic that I fell for a singer.”

Walking next to him, I took a look at his face to see his reaction, but he did not look back at me. Every now and then our shoulders bumped but our hands didn’t so much as brush against the other again. “Why’s that?”

“My newest film … it’s the reason I’d been so busy, honestly. My character falls for a foreign singer, too.”

I smiled as I remembered the trailer I’d watched both intrigued and with a heart beating frantic rhythms of underlying panic … and then got off to one of his pictures. I’d forgotten about it all together. Or conveniently erased it from my memory for a few hours. It’d been a day since then. And now my ears were hot all over again.

“I’ve watched the trailer …”

Now he chuckled nervously and scratched some spot behind his ear like an uneasy cat; but I saw this trivial quirk and had to smile nonetheless. This situation was still surreal and I’d dreamt of living through it. Just talking about anything and everything; telling him my innermost thoughts and sharing with him my fears and joys and everything that I appreciated about him. Being so honest with him felt as though being lifted out of sky deep water. It didn’t happen as much with Japanese people. Not that early on, anyway. But somewhere deep inside of me I knew that I needed that.

“Good, yeah. Good to know,” he nodded at me with a face ripe of mild embarrassment, “I just want you to know that … that that was basically me coming out.”

“Coming out to … who?”

He chuckled again and did a nervous little dance with his fingers which he then stuffed away awkwardly. “The public? I haven’t told them directly. I never do with these things. I’m really just a very private person in general. But I told them that Benjamin was basically me back in my teenage years. I know they understood.”

“Huh …”

It felt like this whole thing had been a huge deal for him after all, even if he’d never say so. Next to me, I could sense his body shake softly, but then it stopped. He wasn’t insecure about his sexuality, that wasn’t it. And yet … this side of him surprised me.

“Why are you so private?”

He shrugged his shoulders just as a couple passed us on the street, but I only had eyes for him. “Always have been, I don’t know … I’m just a quiet bloke from a little rural-like town in Northern Ireland. What even is ‘Instagram’?”

I snickered amused before again taking hold of his shoulders and shaking him gently before pulling him close to my chest for a few long seconds. Then he retreated.

“I know– No, I know what Instagram is,” he laughed as he freed himself from my friendly grip. “Actually, I recently registered … just to follow you.”

“Get out,” I said with a voice thick of disbelief. We had stopped walking and now stood right in front of the UFO-like building Oasis 21, which loomed, blue neon-lights and all, in the background. As always, the place was alive with lots of different people but I still only had eyes for him. I hadn’t expected anything like that and was now rightfully taken aback.

“No … But I’ll tell you why at a different time.”

His blue eyes gleamed excitedly, probably from pure happiness and from all those colourful lights; they tinted his dark hair an otherworldly arctic colour, too, as if he was just a projection inside a video game. But we were facing each other now. He was here and so was I. Smiles bright on our lips and our panting, out of outright devouring excitement, staining the air left and right.

I just couldn’t take this “no-touching-allowed”-flirting any longer now that we were surrounded by people.

“Sorry, Masato,” I heard him mumble before I saw him rush towards me. I couldn’t seem to react in any way, honestly, before he had me tackled into a short-lived but passionate mouth-on-mouth kiss; soft hands framing my face longingly and all. Then he stood right in front of me again as if nothing had happened. White puffs of air leaving our mouths.

One second. Exhale. Two seconds. Inhale. Holding my breath.

I felt the tips of my ears grow hot again and this time I couldn’t say whether out of panic or arousal. Maybe both.

“Are you insane?” I mouthed as I dragged him away from the daylight-lit building and passing people while I frantically looked over my shoulder; paranoid. I knew he felt sorry for losing control so very easily but he did not understand the consequences.

“Look, even ‘normal’ couples don’t do that in public here.” I shook my head and concentrated on the path in front of us, leading us away from all the hustle and bustle.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise … and then it was too late.”

“I wouldn’t have cared so much in the park …” I sighed as I felt my heart calm down to a relatively normal rhythm again the more we diverged from the station. “But look, I’m sure it’s okay. It was just a second and people here usually respect privacy. I’m not a big celebrity …”

I couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy after this encounter, nonetheless.

Colin next to me nodded silently but his unusually pale complexion told me he was as anxious as I felt. Different countries have different customs after all. He did not know any better. But this was a delicate topic here.

“Hey, it’ll be alright, cheer up,” I smiled wonkily but cushioned the urge to give him a friendly nudge. “Let’s just … calm down and go to my place? There’s an opened bottle of white wine in my fridge …”

***

“I really don’t know what’s gotten into me, sorry,” Colin apologised for the seventh time this night and made a tensed up face; little wrinkles appeared next to the corners of his mouth. As time passed, I had lost the ability to know what to say exactly because it couldn’t be changed and since I was sure that no one had noticed for real, these icky feelings of unrest and queasiness would eventually subside. Or so I hoped.

So I shrugged and put on somewhat of a strained face myself. “Don’t be. Just remember not to do that again,” I laughed lightly and took a sip from my glass. I deliberately held back on telling him to stop apologising and hoped he’d gotten the subtle message.

Had it been risky to take him with me on the train to my apartment after this encounter? Maybe, maybe not. Celebrities here went years and years without having their personal relationships discovered and suddenly married out of the blue. Granted, usually none of them were gay.

I watched my fingers play with the stem of the wine glass. We were sitting on my huge grey corner sofa; in front of us the white couch table with a view out of the glass front. Around us the soft, dimmed light creating a comfortable atmosphere that made my gloomy thoughts a tad lighter as they retreated to the back of my head but I could still feel them linger there. It had irrevocably reminded me of the fact that I was different after all. That I had told myself that I still found women attractive and that I would eventually meet the right person to marry and have kids with; and maybe I still did … in some way. But attraction in some way was not enough anymore in this case. All I wanted was someone I could go up in flames for and it’d been long since I’d last felt this way about a woman. There weren’t many openly gay public figures around here; not many role models. Here, you either married a person of the opposite gender or you just didn’t. People didn’t go around proclaiming their support of the LGBTQ-community. There weren’t any famous people who used their voices to press ahead the movement and educate the stubborn masses. And I just knew that I didn’t want to be the guinea pig.

“Can I do anything to lighten your mood?” he asked innocently with a small smile playing upon his lips, before he put his left hand on my knee. I was positive that he hadn’t intended it to be received in a flirty manner, but it made me grin in a childish way nonetheless.

With a soft sigh, I leaned the back of my head against the back rest to look him in the eyes sleepily – their colour resembled nothing but recently fallen winter rain. Nothing you’d see often. “It helps that you’re here … That you’ve come back to my place. I appreciate it.”

“And yet … You look as if you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

“I do. But I’m afraid I’m not ready to tell you yet.”

Colin nodded understandingly as he drew back his hand after he had brushed cautiously up and down my thigh a few times. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that all of this felt so intimate; so exciting and yet so familiar. As if we’d known each other for much longer already. He made it hard for me to breathe and my heart agitated. I anxiously took in all that was him; the perfectly straight nose, his dimples when he smiled, his smooth underarms and broad chest hidden underneath that flattering button-down. His slightly too long black locks curling around his ears. He had them set back, he’d told me. They surely weren’t as prominent anymore as in his Merlin-days but I still didn’t quite know what to think of that. I had already met him with pinned-back ears; though, when looking at older pictures, I did find them charming. They’d suited him in a strange way.

“No need to,” Colin proclaimed with a soothing tone in his voice and took a sip of his drink as well. I just loved listening to him speak and watching his lips move; his dark accent was nurturing some inner demon inside of me and I did not yet know if that was a good thing. “But I’ll be listening whenever you want me to.”

By then, he had crossed his legs and our knees were faintly touching; his left arm wrapped around the back rest, so ultimately around my shoulders as well. Sitting there closely intertwined and slightly intoxicated, I didn’t want to think about all of these issues anymore. It felt good, being here with him. I felt safe. As safe as I could feel, anyway. And it felt right. So, again, I tried to shove these thoughts to the back of my head and wondered for a short second how well it would work out this time around.

I saw my chance the moment he carefully placed his glass back onto the table and felt myself dashing forward without having finished my last thought completely. With my hands caressing his face, I pressed my lips onto his’ as though I couldn’t breathe without him and I had to smile against his teeth when he drew in a surprised breath. The body wants what it wants.

So this was it – the final straw. I really did need him to breathe; to live. Who was I kidding? His soft lips on mine felt unimaginably heart-wrenching; like everything I’ve ever longed for. I could feel his teeth hidden behind them with every little peck and bite. Those lips were more delicate than any others I’d ever kissed. They felt foreign and yet thoroughly exhilarating. Nothing I was used to. Our kisses earlier this year in winter had been tainted with lust and desire, and these were too, but they were something more altogether. Longing and affection had been mingling and mixing long before; tucking relentlessly at my nervous system and soul. And finally I could kiss him again, this time with more passion; more lust and feelings and my whole heart on the silver plate but I did not care. Either he took me whole or not. This time, I wouldn’t let him go.

“Now it’s allowed?” he managed to croak out between tongue on tongue and little pecks.

I nodded against his forehead and was about to push him back on the sofa and yelped surprised when he pulled me onto his lap instead. “There’s a right time and place for everything,” I added breathlessly.

“I see,” he mused against my lips; this kiss now gentle and soft and slowly fading into somewhat of a lively game between us. “You didn’t plan this, did you?”

I shook my head no and couldn’t resist the temptation to let my hands wander down his neck to feel his biceps and chest and abs. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever sat on anyone like that before but I liked the unfamiliar rush of excitement shooting through my body like little heat waves whenever I inhaled his breath. I could feel his hard dick pressing against my thigh and eventually became aware of my own jeans being too tight.

Time had honestly stopped in its tracks. My mind was so fuzzy with affection and desire that I probably couldn’t intervene even if I wanted to. I didn’t think about tomorrow anymore; or even about the next couple of hours. There was just the sole and deep urge to touch him wherever I could; to kiss him until both our lips went numb … to hear him gasp my name in my ears. I didn’t want to dominate him – suddenly this idea grew very uninteresting in my mind. For the first time in … ever – I realised why people preferred having sex with people they actually loved.

After a while he loosened his soft grip from my jaw where he had held me to kiss me and leaned back; from under half-closed lids, I felt his stare churn this foreign fire deep inside of me further. A desperate sigh left my mouth. “You look so awfully pretty like that,” he breathed out.

Colin let his thumb rest on my lower lip before letting it wander downwards to feel the pulse on my neck, then stopping at my Vena-Tattoo. Another whimper. I lost my breath. I knew that I was prone to blushing hot when I was aroused and so bothered; but I also knew that my lips had to be swollen as well and that one was new. Colin on the other hand didn’t look quite as troubled. He eyed me up and down with a fixating stare; his rainy eyes clouded with what seemed like craving too; and under it I felt myself and the rest of my restraint melt like the freaking polar caps.

“Will you get rid of your shirt for me, Princess?”

As if hypnotised, I managed a short nod before pulling my white shirt over my head and letting it fall to the floor; the cold air now sweeping over my skin, sparking goose bumps and sending shivers down my spine. I had missed being called like that. For the longest time I hadn’t even realised what that did to me; what that could do to me – the power he held over me simply by using as plain a word as that. I just couldn’t get it into my head. I had used it on Hiro not long ago, more or less subconsciously, but it just didn’t have the same impact, either for me or him. And I just couldn’t quite put my finger on why, aside from the fact that Colin could probably say a lot and I’d still worship each and every word right off his God damn lips.

“You’ve never been handled like this before, have you?”

Again, a weak shake of my head. I heard my pulse in my ears. Then he grabbed my hips to press his groin against mine. While I yelped in surprise like an innocent teenager, he let out a long, satisfied sigh. I felt my ears grow hot. I’d just never been in a situation where I was the sub; where I didn’t know his next move and being ultimately at the mercy of someone else and not in charge for once.

“I bet you’re gonna love it. My cock deep inside you, doll, you’re gonna love it so much.”

His promise, thick with want and anticipation, made me think about how it would feel; how his cock inside of me would feel when he filled me up. I’d never been there. I didn’t even know what his dick looked like. And at the very thought, I felt my heart skip another beat. There was a short exchange of heated glances and immediately after I broke the contact, he pulled me towards him by the back of my neck into yet another kiss. I whimpered and he groaned and with all my might I tried to press my body as close to his’ as I could possibly manage. My hands where everywhere all at once, I’d lost track of them all together. I just knew that his chest felt heavenly and my jeans were too tight and I couldn’t get enough of his breath on my tongue and his nose on my cheek. I just couldn’t seem to get quite close enough, no matter how hard I tried.

Somewhere along the way, he had lost his button-down shirt and he or I, I couldn’t recall, had opened up my fly and now my erection poked out at him quite frankly. Feeling kind of awkward about it, I decided to get up from his lap. But then standing right in front of him, I suddenly had the most amazing view of his broad and well-toned chest and stomach, so I forgot to breathe for a second. He wasn’t as scrawny as he appeared at first glance; which I had undoubtedly discovered in my google image search of him. How could he manage to hide that so well? I was neither lanky, nor was I fat by any means – but compared to him I seemed so small and short.

“Wanted to have a better look?” he smirked and moved into a comfortably sprawled out position on the sofa now; covering practically the entire space. Almost no place for me left to sit next to him. Then, after a while, I boldly climbed out of my jeans and tried not to look too lost and unsure. Because I wasn’t, I was so endlessly excited about this whole thing, I just didn’t know what to expect.

“Come here, beautiful,” he whispered breathlessly, as if in awe, as he softly beckoned me over and eased my doubts in the process. I swore he had to have seen my heart pounding beneath my chest, ready to jump out of it, when I’d finally shuffled close enough so that my feet touched the couch. With loving fingers he took a soft hold of my hips and leaned forward. I held my breath when his lips touched me. He was so confident in what he was doing; it didn’t feel fake at all, almost as if it really came naturally to him. And thus it felt so easy for me to melt into his touches and obey his soothingly voiced demands. Suddenly I knew why it felt so different compared to me ordering Hiro around – Colin did it in such a loving, appreciating way that you didn’t even have time to question it. It was hot, following every request of him that is, but I also loved being treated like something precious by him. I wanted to give it to him all – my undying compliance and the chance of having someone he could protect and care for. Someone who moaned just for him. I felt my heart take a leap at the thought.

“You can answer me, you know,” he breathed and his hot breath warming up the fabric of my briefs made me shiver. Then he looked up at me from under his long dark lashes. “I want to hear your pretty voice,” he mouthed at my clothed erection but I could only muster up a weak nod instead.

Not even slightly bemused, he continued on with his efforts and I was back at the hotel. The lights were off and faint car noises reached my ears. Everything was clouded in a delicate kind of mist and felt so new and exciting and suddenly I realised with a missed heartbeat that this time I was sure that I wanted him; that I wanted this, us, and that there was a chance of him staying. Finally.

“Will you touch me, please?”

Colin chuckled. “I will swallow you down, sweetie.”

I hadn’t realised that my mouth stood wide open but now I was in an urgent need to catch my breath and welcomed my ungraceful expression. With careful hands, he pulled down my briefs and suddenly I stood naked in front of him; my hard cock twitching at the mere thought of him taking me inside his mouth. Even though we’d had sex before, we hadn’t been naked together. He’d never seen me naked and neither had I seen him, but now that it was happening, it felt like pure ecstasy running through my veins. Suddenly I knew why Hiro liked it so much – this faint sense of being at his mercy and at the same time I was functioning as his little doll he could delight in. He could look at and get off to.

Then he finally delivered on his promise and started to lick a tender line up my shaft. I moaned under his tongue and he grinned. My hands now in his hair.  “A cock ring would look so pretty on you, doll.”

I could only mumble something very unintelligible before he was already licking the tip of my cock to make it wet before taking me all in. I instinctively held on to his hair so tight that I had to loosen my grip again when I noticed, though Colin did not seem to be bothered in any way. With half-closed eyes, I watched his head, slowly bobbing back and forth, blur into a mist of blacks and whites, sending sparks through my whole body. He was so insanely good at it that it made it hard for me to stop him. But I wouldn’t have been able to control myself any longer hadn’t I intervened. And Jesus, I would have regretted it.

“You already want more?”

His voice was soft and did not at all sound rigid and as though he’d just deepthroated someone. Smooth like freshly fallen snow and just as bright it was and maybe I just focused too much on that aspect so as to avoid the actual question he’d asked. But yes, yes I wanted more of him. So desperately.

My breath came out at a rapid rhythm now but also wouldn’t slow down. Then he finally took the hint and stood back up. Close to my naked self, he appeared to be even taller. “You know, you have to tell me. I’ll make you comfortable.”

He brushed my right cheek and jawline with his thumb and I felt his breath on my lips. His dark coloured blue eyes, or what I could see of them covered by his thick lashes, were clouded but attentive. Then I nodded. “I want more of you.”

Colin smiled lovingly before he kissed me. Every spoken word directed at him felt like miles and miles of stones falling off my shoulders. It was hard every time, telling him exactly what I wanted, giving in to his dominating nature, but then it got easier every time I’d do it and this rush of excitement whenever he’d flash a proud smile after that, was addicting. It made me smile, too. It made my heart flutter and cheeks glow. It was like training a young dog, really, if you’d think about it. Praise and telling off. The thing was, though, that it worked. I knew about it and I wanted it to work. I wanted his attention and wanted to make him proud.

“Tell you what, princess, you’re gonna hop onto the sofa and wait for me. I’ll go get some lube and a condom.”

Again, I nodded well-behaved and did as I was told. I didn’t quite know how to feel, though. I was so excited to finally feel him but I also didn’t know what to expect. Obviously I’d had anal sex before, just not on the receiving end. I knew how to prepare and how to relax. I knew what he’d do to me, probably. But giving in and just letting go of your control was not as easy as it sounded. So I tried to relax after I had giving him unintelligible clues as where to find all of it.

I watched him stroll into the living room again with slow, confident steps and a smirk on his lips; condom and lube dangling in his hand. His pants were open and rode low on his hip bones; he wasn’t wearing his socks anymore. This ridiculously fascinating view of him almost made me want to hide away again. I didn’t think I was ugly … but he was just so gorgeous.

His smooth laughter in my ears when he sat down gingerly calmed my nerves again. I felt like such a stupid little virgin.

“It’ll be so good,” he whispered into my ear as his lips grazed my skin and his fingertips my cock, his other arm wrapped around my shoulders, “I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it for days.”

My thoughts jumped from him sucking my dick to his fingers fucking me and then his cock deep inside of me. It was pure chaos up in there and so I kissed him to quieten up my lousy head. For one second I thought I’d seen surprise in his eyes but the next second the impression was gone and he was kissing me back with everything he’d got; hand on my jaw and fingers in my hair.

“When I watched you on stage, screaming and growling, all I could think of was you on my cock.”

My heart pounded loud in my ears and even though I felt like that this was my clue to get embarrassed, I just felt so frighteningly turned on.

“I really want to do that before, though,” I hummed soft-spoken, a bit nervous, as I broke the kiss and got to my knees instead. It was not so easy getting rid of his jeans even though they sat so very loosely on his hips. Once his pants and briefs were gone, though, I had to hold my breath. I wasn’t one to judge and, honestly, size didn’t matter to me as an at-least-bisexual-probably-gay-man, anyway. I’d never thought about it this way. But his cock surely was bigger than I had expected. Not large, not 8 ½ inches. But proper thick. Staring at it in somewhat of a state of awe, I couldn’t figure out if I could even take it into my mouth, let alone my arse.

“That’s a can of coke,” I joked and only then did I hear myself and laughed to cover up my awkwardness. Luckily, he laughed too.

“We’ll be careful and we’ll take it from there,” he breathed; voice raspy and low and with his fingers in my hair again. I loved those affectionate touches so very much. His cock twitched while I looked at it and I could swear it got even bigger. But I really, really wanted him inside my mouth, too. All we had ever done was him sucking me off. I just really wanted to know how he’d taste and smell like and how he’d feel. The weight of him on my tongue. I’d never before been confronted with “issues” like these and I had never really spent a single second thinking about anything like that. I’d never had to. But I knew that I trusted him and that I didn’t need to be nervous. So I went along.

I had sucked dicks before of course. I loved it, too. Even though I’d let Hiroki handle the majority of the dick-sucking. It’d been a while, though, but when I got close to him and breathed in this familiar scent, I felt the desire in me build a mountain. My heart jumped just as my tongue touched the underside of his cock for the first time. I couldn’t exactly look up and him in the eye, he had his head thrown back and our positions were too awkward, but I heard him sigh in a low voice and that was all I needed to go on. My hands, that I had been resting on his naked thighs, now moved of their own accord up and down, so did my tongue. It was a hell of a task to get him wet enough for me to finally take him in fully. Wouldn’t exactly be smooth enough dry, but there was just so much surface.

I loved the way he winced when I reached his tip and started to suck on it and felt myself grin so that my teeth touched him only faintly. He looked so breathtakingly amazing like this, I just couldn’t comprehend how I had such a beautiful person at my mercy and in my mouth. And when I first took him full in, he moaned and I felt it grow hot between my legs. I hadn’t been aware that sucking dick could do something like this to you. I literally felt my desire rise to unknown heights and my cock wouldn’t stop twitching. I just couldn’t figure out how to take him fully into my mouth, it would only go so far. But Colin still seemed to enjoy it; moaning, groaning, he held onto my hair and guided me up and down gently. Not too forcefully but still determined. Having such a hard and thick cock inside your mouth was an exciting feeling I’d never felt before. It made my mouth water and honestly look forward to the next part of this. I was so hot all over. So hot and bothered that I didn’t even realise it when he finally pulled me up and off his cock to give me a sloppy kiss. I was gone by then; totally wasted and high on his smell and taste. Eyes hooded, mouth open.

“You want more, don’t you?” he whispered; almost as drunken as I felt. I nodded.

Yes. Yes, right now I didn’t want anything more than me naked on his lap. Feeling his hands wander across my body, hearing his moans and little sighs; crying my name. I wanted to touch his warm skin and burn the image and feel of him deep into my soul so that I would not be able to forget about it ever again. I didn’t know when we could be seeing each other again. And I didn’t want to think about that right now.

“Come here to me, pretty,” Colin slurred and gestured for me to join him on the couch, so I hastily got up and sat next to him. I lost myself in the way he looked at me tenderly; tracing invisible paths we were yet to take onto my skin with his finger. His breath on my cheek and his beard stubble almost touching my skin; tickling. He was so close. My heart skipped a beat. “Just relax, yeah? You’re gonna love my two fingers inside of you.”

I nodded, felt a delicate blush creep on my cheeks, but there was just nothing I could do anymore. My body was not mine, neither was my head. It was as though I had entirely surrendered to him; body and mind. My eyes clouded with lust and drunken with want. Fuzzy. Like cotton wool inside my head. I’d never before experienced anything like it but I knew that I was about to get addicted.

I only casually noticed how he spread some lube on his fingers to warm it up; next thing I knew he started touching me gingerly down there, drawing gentle circles and adjusting me to the feeling. It was foreign, I had to admit, though the idea of it had always been in the back of my mind, so I wasn’t really surprised when it felt better than I’d expected.

I was still lying in his arms, having spread my legs ever so slightly, feet on the couch. He was good at this; still not too forceful and slow enough for me to enjoy it. But there was a certain boldness to it, too. He knew what he was doing and so I could relax into his movements and little purrs of affection and love. His thumb caressing my shoulder and little pecks on my neck. Until he pushed one finger in. But it came naturally, there was no time to be surprised. I’d been so ready for this. If anything, I longed for more.

And so I voiced my displeasure with a soft moan. I wasn’t even able anymore to look him in the eye; I had my eyes closed and closed they wanted to remain. But his finger felt so dangerously on the edge of being satisfying-yet-not-satisfying-enough, the way he moved; pushing in and out and growing faster with every movement. He knew it, I knew he did. He loved to tease me; I could feel his grin on my cheek and his rapid breathing on my skin. I knew he watched me going insane. Until a second finger finally joined. I yelped when he did it but it didn’t feel foreign anymore, nor did it feel uncomfortable. It felt just like it was supposed to feel when you really wanted someone inside of you – immediately and all at once.

I was clawing at his soft skin at this point and it felt far too hot in here. I grew careless, impatient; shuffled closer and closer to him until I almost sat on his lap. I held onto his shoulders and back and hips and chest as though I was afraid I could slip any second. I didn’t know how to express my longing any other way, really. I’d only ever taken anything I wanted, I’d never been depended. But my mouth remained sewn shut except for a few desperate moans that rolled off my tongue so very heavily. If that was how two fingers felt … how would that end?

“Do you think you have it in you to get on my lap, princess? Do you think you could do that for me?”

His voice was honey-sweet with a tint of a mischievous grin but I couldn’t think straight, all I could feel were his fingers sliding in and out of me. “Shut up,” I whispered; not because he embarrassed me but because I just didn’t know any better. My whole being was already so full of him that I didn’t even think another bit of him could fit inside of me. There was just no space left. My heart felt so full.

But then he pulled out his fingers cautiously and wiped them on a tissue. I watched him breathlessly; totally out of touch with myself and my surroundings. I honestly had tunnel-vision at this point. Next he opened the condom wrapper and put it on; watched me watching him. Smiled encouragingly. Then he took the lube and spread it over his cock. My gaze was fixed on his dick. His hand lingered there ever so slightly. We made eye-contact for a second and then he began stroking himself. Slowly, gingerly so as not to mess with the condom, he massaged up and down and I felt my eyes glued to this sight of him. Suddenly I actually felt like I was blushing. At least my ears grew hot. It made me think about watching him like that all the time, until the end, up until he came.

Honestly, there were just too many sensations going on and I didn’t know which one to give my full attention.

“Do you want to sit on me?” he asked in a seductive tone of voice and there was just no way I would have said no. This time, again, I only nodded and followed through.

With a swift motion, I swung one of my legs over his lap while I held onto his shoulders. I felt his cock twitch against my thigh. I couldn’t hold onto me, so I dashed in to capture his lips and he obliged without a word or gesture of resistance or protest. Now that his fingers weren’t inside of me anymore but my want hadn’t been satisfied, I felt the loss of that filled up space deep inside of me. It kind of … tickled. It sparked thunder and flames. It spread throughout my body and just wanted to be complete again. It was just another kind of longing. Why had I ever missed out on that before?

I felt him position himself, taking his cock in his hand to guide it to my butt. I felt him nudging at my skin. I sighed both in relief and excitement. Then he finally pushed in. I had to admit, my first reaction was to hold still and cramp up. It wasn’t uncomfortable and it didn’t hurt, maybe it was just the surprise of it all and the unfamiliar position. But he waited patiently, I could hear his breath leave his lips in weighty waves; hands firmly on my hips and his eyes only looking at me. Now his vision was just as cloudy as mine.

“It’s okay, take your time,” he mouthed at my lips but I could see him shiver and shake; felt him twitching inside of me. Something we had longed for so insanely long and now mere seconds felt like centuries. That’s why it didn’t take long for me to relax again, seeing that it didn’t hurt at all. All I could feel was this space that wasn’t filled up how it was supposed to and so I lowered myself farther down on his cock. Until I had him almost balls deep inside of me. Colin’s groans were so low that they ringed in my ears. He would have probably made a perfect shouter. I just couldn’t figure out where to put all this arousal and lust and want and all-encompassing desperation.

I felt myself claw at his skin again but he just grinned. Brushed a single strand of hair out of my face. My cheeks had to have been charcoal-glowing red by then. All I was able to hear was my heartbeat in my ears and his breathing on my neck. He kissed my tattoo. I yelped. Then I finally started to move up and down and was blinded by sparks dancing across my vision.

God, I should have listened to Hiroki. It wasn’t even the dominance-kick I needed. I didn’t miss it in the slightest. How could I’d been so strangely wrong about that? All he did was filling me up and I’d never been so perfectly happy in my life before.

With his hands on my hips, he supported me in my awkward movements and for a moment he didn’t do anything other than staring at me with a half opened mouth. I was hypnotised by it and it seemed to be as if my legs moved of their own accord. “You look so awfully pretty like that, doll … Oh my God– you don’t even know what that does to me.”

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. It felt so full and complete. The thrill of it all! The affection I held for him. The excitement of the moment. The lust building camps and fires inside of the pit of my stomach. I knew it was spreading. I could feel it in my fingertips holding onto his skin desperately. I didn’t feel the need to say anything and he didn’t push me. He just wanted to let me know and it felt so good. Everything that had been wrong with mine and Hiroki’s interaction. Love was not just a feeling now after all, was it?

Somewhere along the way he had started to carefully thrust upwards to meet me but there was no way his movements weren’t becoming hastier and harder by the second. I had started to hug his shoulders and bury my nose in his neck and hair. He smelled so gorgeous. I didn’t even feel the need to touch myself; I honestly wouldn’t have thought that a dick inside of you could feel enough. It was a different kind of arousal, a different kind of sensation. We weren’t even fully aware of how loud our moans were that filled the room.

Then he kissed me again, deep this time. It became hard to keep up the rhythm as my arousal got the better of me. I was panting by then and he had to have known that I was exhausted. Not from effort per se, but this different kind of penetration just made your legs weak and your breath shaky and so I was glad that he had started to lead this whole thing.

“I want you to look at me when you come, okay?” he mumbled, I almost hadn’t understood what he had been saying; his lips were heavy and his words were slurred. Honestly, he tried to look as unbothered as he could manage but it didn’t work. He was in this as deep as I was and it made me so childishly giddy inside. “Can you do that for me?”

I nodded.  He reached down to stroke my cock. I gasped in surprise.

“You can come all over me too, princess. I want you to.”

My forehead found its way to his on its own. Our hot breath mingled and made our cheeks damp. I just couldn’t describe it, he was so thick and filled me up perfectly and yet it didn’t feel as enormous as in the beginning but it was still so overwhelming. Our rhythm, however, grew more rapid and rapid by the second and somewhere in my head I had the thought that it should actually hurt more than it did but all I felt was pure arousal. We didn’t think about it anymore, it was too easy to just act on it. The harder and faster our movements, the louder our moans became; the more I loved it. By then, we were moving in unison – the way two gear wheels meshed with one another. Like we were made for it. It just felt natural. And soon I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. Quite literally even.

“Look at me, look at me,” I heard Colin exclaim forcefully, as if he was actually scared I would forget, but it was too hard not to look him in the eye, anyway. Though, admittedly, it was also hard to keep my eyes open with all those different sensations running through my veins. I alternated between touching his chest and cupping his face with both my hands, I didn’t know where to put them. I just knew that one of his hands was on my cock and the other somewhere on my body, drawing red lines and digging holes.

It all got too much pretty fast. The pressure and friction and heat. And I still couldn’t get as close to him as I desperately needed to. He wasn’t holding off any longer, his thrusts came harsh and deep but I still rolled my hips downwards to meet them. I wanted to make him come. I also wanted to see him come. Our faces were mere inches apart and I could taste his breath on my tongue but his stare kept me from actually diving in to kiss him senseless. I wanted to watch each and every little detail when his features moved to make way for other expressions. To watch his nostrils flare, somehow it made him look even prettier. Realer. If that made sense.

My ears picked up on the change in his voice; his groans becoming deeper and louder. I knew he was close. And now that he’d found the perfect angle and pace to jerk me off, I knew that I couldn’t last any longer, either. Nothing but this mattered anymore and we held onto each other like lovers falling from the sky. I didn’t have to say anything when I was about to come, he knew and held my face in his hand. It was hard keeping my eyes open but the expression in his eyes was worth it all; like a deep understanding and admiration but mingled with this fire still burning in them, it looked so hot. That gave me the last kick, frankly said. That he was watching me closely as I came all over his chest and stomach; the first shot even reaching his neck and jaw, but I only saw it faintly. Like through a curtain. Slowly it began dripping down his sides but he did not stop moving. My body felt so light and insanely hot that it became difficult to move. My heart exploded. I’d never felt so exhausted, my body was just limp. All of these little fireworks exploding in my chest had given me the rest. But now he was close too and I did my best to still meet his thrusts; I could see it in his eyes that me coming had been the last drop, however, and so I watched him close his eyes in ecstasy and scrunch up his nose, mouth wide open. I was in awe. His arms and neck showed his veins as he pushed me further down on his cock a tad too hard and I had to gasp. Now it hurt. But maybe that was because the arousal had been subsiding.

When he’d stopped moving, panting frantically, I cupped his face and kissed him for at least half a minute, I couldn’t really tell. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Those intense feelings rushed so fast through my body so that I felt my eyes well up; tickling. I’d done my best to get as close to him as possible but it seemed like there was no way I could ever achieve that feeling I was seeking. This was as close as it would get. When we parted, he licked his lips contemplatively and brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. A short smile.

“I’ve wanted to tell you how pretty you look but I just couldn’t get out a word seeing you like this.”

I chuckled amused, slightly overwhelmed as I didn’t exactly know what to retort, and reached for the tissue box to wipe the semen from his skin. More than I had expected, by the way, we were lucky it didn’t reach the couch. “You’re such a bootlicker, you know that?” I told him finally but didn’t meet his gaze.

“I’m offended,” he laughed and supported me as I climbed off his lap before he made himself busy with taking off the condom and disposing of it. “Don’t act as if you didn’t like being called pretty, beautiful and princess.”

I shrugged my shoulders and hoped that he meant every single word he’d said, every time he’d said them. But I didn’t exactly want to ask him about it. “Yes, I love it.”

Then he laid his arm around my shoulders to pull me closer and I relaxed into his touch; his smug smile strangely underlining the seriousness of it all. I breathed a sigh of relief. “I love that you enjoy it.”

***

“So, you told me you’d tell me why you followed me on Instagram.”

“That was literally two hours ago, Masato,” I watched him laugh and almost choke on his words, obviously still slightly embarrassed, for whatever reason. He shouldn’t have told me in the first place, really. “Isn’t that obvious, anyway?”

“I want to hear it from your mouth,” I insisted with a straight voice. We’d put on our clothes again and were now lying somewhat on top of one another on the couch. No one smoked by the window this time around, either. But tonight I didn’t care. I didn’t want this to end. It wasn’t just comfortable – it made my heart so perfectly full, like there was no way I could ever be happier in any other moment. I felt at ease with the world as I counted his heartbeats silently and realised that they were mine, too.

“Okay,” he prepared himself, straightening up a bit. His hand on my shoulder did a little patting gesture. “When I found out about you and your band … I just needed to know what you’re up to. I liked seeing you, okay? I stared at some of those pictures … maybe a bit too long.”

He’d started stroking my shoulder again with his thumb while I traced his abs through his shirt. Lying here with him and talking about these things felt so easy all of a sudden. Like a huge weight had been lifted from both our shoulders since we’d had sex. Talking always seemed so easy after that. “So you’re saying that you jerked off to my pictures?”

“I … wouldn’t put it like that.”

“Yeah, me neither if I were you.”

Again, he laughed; this time I felt it on top of my head. Then he placed a kiss there and breathed out, making a spot on my hair feel warm and damp. I followed suit, conveniently leaving out the circumstances of our awkward phone-encounter. “I know we’re just starting out but … I can’t help but to think of where this is gonna take us.”

“Where? I don’t know … forward?” He shrugged his shoulders, I nudged him dissatisfied.

“You know what I mean.”

“The distance …”

“Not only that, you know. We’re both busy people. I have my career and so do you.”

I didn’t even think about the possibility of letting anyone know about our steadily increasing feelings for one another; the relationship we were about to build. One problem at a time, they say. When there was no relationship due to distance problems, I wouldn’t have to fear telling anyone, obviously. But that thought lay heavy like a bag of stones in my stomach and closed up my throat. That feeling when you suddenly had everything you’d ever wished for and then it turns out that you’d been mistaken all along … that wasn’t pleasant at all.

“I’d love to tell you that it’ll all work out fine and that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with matters so difficult to resolve so soon. But that’s not what you want to hear, is it?”

“I’ll get us a glass of water,” I answered queasily instead to dodge the question and got up. No, of course this wasn’t what I wanted to hear from him. Although I should have known it, really. This specific issue wasn’t just resolved on its own, that was just not how things worked. We were from different parts of the world and that was it. It just felt so eerily similar to back then when he walked away from keeping in contact with me. Back at the hotel where he wasn’t concerned about how to find me again. He had found me in the end, obviously, but I did not think that he intended to at first. And that stung.

When I came back with two glasses in hand, he sat upright on the couch and took it without a word. Nipped. Watched the floor. I shuffled about nervously because I didn’t quite know what to say or do. I didn’t want to speak it out loud. Then it would become far too real for my taste. I craved the mysterious after-glow from our hotel room; the dark mist that had settled over us like cotton wool. He had rejected me back then, in a way. But I had not cared as much. Mostly because it hadn’t felt real in the first place. But tonight my heart beat so heavy in my chest that it hurt and it made it hard to breathe.

I love him I love him I love him I love him

Then he got up and looked me in the eye – dead straight.

“Come to London.”

“Wha– I can’t. That’s literally where I’ve just been.”

“I mean, why don’t you move there?”

“I– I … Colin, I have a career here. I can’t just move to a different continent, I–”

Silence. He just stared and as he did so, something in his eyes lit up and I couldn’t pull away from that sight.

“Okay.”

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