#anyway time to log off and distract myself i think

[transmascutena]

thought about anthy too much so now i feel like i'm gonna throw up. 👍

#i gotta not think about this show literally all the time 24/7 it's not good for my health #usually it's kind of an overreaction when i say this kinda thing but i actually feel sick to my stomach #it's pretty random when the show is actually triggering to me and when it just makes me feel insane in a positive way #anyway time to log off and distract myself i think

[katamarei]

damn 2 spirals in one night huh

#is the moon full? maybe it's just the new year? #now that I think abt it this is the first new year I've had w this much.. uncertainty. it was always just like. ok time 2 go back to school #actually no it's definitely the new year bc now I'm upset about being so fucking weird and alone and too old to be that way #specifically bc I was thinking abt how I'd like to have a partner to spend new years with. 🥲 #anyway I'm logging off yall enjoy ur new years I need to distract myself with literally anything

[strang3lov3]

Pharmacy

Summary: (mall rats 6) Surrounded by medical supplies is a convenient time to slice your hand open. Joel wrestles your stubborn ass to treat your wound, then fucks you how you like.

Tags: Jar Jar Binks, Star Wars opinions, manhandling, descriptions of injuries (I tried to keep it as short and sweet as I could, bc I myself am a squeamish girl!! I was squirming the whole time writing this!!!) blowjobs, f masturbation, kinda rough unprotected PIV, creampie, dirty talk, reader and Joel have googly eyes for each other

A/N: as always thank you so much @papipascalispunk for editing. Thank you all for your continued patience with my writing, I am a busy busy lady and you may not get another fic from me for two weeks or more with the whole finals thing, but I do have lots of shit planned! One thing at a time bug one thing at a time. I wish I could write smut for my history of Indiana final essay but I don’t think that would fly with my nun-obsessed professor. Also, thank you @noxturnalpascal and @speckledemerald for hyping me up ❤️❤️

Joel is standing in front of a map of the mall, studying it intently. It’s been a while since you’ve been at the mall with Joel, actually. With the weather getting worse with more and more snow, Tommy is trying to keep travel limited to patrol. Supply runs for necessities only, and Jackson is in need of medical supplies. Rubbing alcohol, gauze, bandages, first aid supplies. There’s actually a medical building not far from Jackson, but it’s pretty well picked over at this point. 

“Mall has a pharmacy. A CVS or Walgreens, somethin’ like that. I’ll go,” Joel had volunteered in Tommy’s office. 

“I’ll come too,” you added as you were helping Tommy fill out patrol logs.

Joel sighed, “No.” 

“Why not?”

“Supposed to be a quick trip. In and out. Don’t need you gettin’ distracted by lotions and perfumes again.”

“Those are necessities,” you argue, “Besides, buddy system. It’s important for us to stick together.” 

“We are not buddies,” Joel scoffed. Tommy raised his eyebrows in amusement.

“No? What are we, then?” 

Joel opened his mouth as if to answer with something sharp and argumentative, but no words came out. His cheeks turned rosy as you both shared an odd look, with Joel’s hands frozen on the buttons of his coat. The pencil you wrote with felt heavy in your hand, held awkwardly on the paper as you stared at Joel. You didn’t mean for that question to come out the way it did. What was the answer to the question, anyway? 

Tommy filled the silence with his own answer. “I know what y’all are,” he smirked. 

Joel shot Tommy a warning look, then took your jacket from behind your chair and held it open for you. “Let’s go, then,” he said. You put your arms through the sleeves, zipped yourself up and left. You could hear Tommy chuckling to himself as you walked out with Joel.

You rode horseback to the mall. Still feeling awkward from the interaction at Tommy’s, you both stayed silent, but the ride wasn’t uncomfortable. You hugged Joel tightly, and Joel savored the warmth of your cheek on his back. 

“Found it,” Joel taps the map, “I remember now. It’s downstairs.”

“Ha!” you brag, “I told you. I knew it was downstairs. I was right.” 

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll throw a party when we get home,” Joel replied, taking off towards the dilapidated staircase. You follow close behind, dragging your fingers against the railing, letting your hand tap each of the thin rods that support it. One breaks off and falls with a clatter. Joel doesn’t bother turning around to see what it was. “You break these stairs, you find us a new way out of here,” he warns. Dramatic. You pick up the thin rail and twirl it as you walk behind Joel, then poke his ass with the piece of metal. Already exhausted by you, he sighs, “What’d you find now, trouble?”

“Lightsaber,” you answer. 

“What?” Joel tilts his head and turns around to finally see what all the noise and clattering was. You’re holding one of the thin rods from the railing, still twirling it. “No, put that down,” he tells you, “You’re gonna give yourself tetanus. Put it down, sweetheart.”

“Ellie lent me this DVD. Did you ever see this old movie, Star Wars?”

“Quit while you’re ahead,” Joel grumbles, rolling his eyes and shaking his head, “Ain’t that old, smartass. And of course I’ve watched Star Wars, who do you think introduced it to her?”

“Oh,” you reply, “Well, there was this character, Jar Jar–”

“Nope,” Joel cuts you off, “You’re done. Lost your talkin’ privileges. Drop your lightsaber and zip it.”

Still twirling the rod you ask, “You don’t like Star Wars?”

“I like Star Wars. What you watched is not Star Wars.”

“Yes it is, Joel. It was on the DVD.” 

Joel turns back around and keeps walking, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Yeah I do. Mesa–”

Joel interrupts, “Do not finish that sentence,” he warns, “God, that movie was so stupid. Took Sarah to see it when it came out, we ended up leavin’ halfway through and gettin’ ice cream instead.” You watch Joel smile at the memory as you approach the pharmacy and he holds the door open for you. You smile with him. Joel doesn’t talk about Sarah much with you, but he mentions her now and then, at least more than he used to.

You and Joel find the first aid aisle of the pharmacy. He knows what to look for, so he peruses the aisles and stuffs his bag full of supplies. Watching him bend over, you can’t help but poke his ass again. “Knock it off, space cadet,” he says, annoyed.

You giggle to yourself and toss the rod aside. You hadn’t realized the end that you were holding was damaged when you broke it off the railing. Fuck. It’s sharp, jagged, and slices your palm all the way across. The rod clangs on the ground and startles Joel. 

Joel turns around to see the rod on the ground, and you clutching your fist tightly. “What’s in your hand?”

“Nothing,” you answer, feeling your hand become warm and wet. 

Joel connects the dots. He bends over and checks the rod for rust and there’s none, thank god. But the end is very jagged, almost serrated like a knife. “Open your hand.”

“No,” pressing your lips together, you lower your gaze and open your fist slightly to check your hand, then quickly shut it. Joel watches your eyes go wide and the color draining from your face. “It’s n–mmm,” you hum, your voice shaky, “I’m fine.” 

“You’re not fine,” Joel reaches for your hand, “You’re hurt. Need to see how deep that cut is, clean it and–”

You shove Joel backward with your free hand, and he looks momentarily taken aback. There was a lot more strength behind that shove than he would have anticipated. You’re not playing, not teasing like usual. “Do you wanna try that again?” he asks, his voice firm.

“Don’t touch me.” 

Joel takes in your expression. You’re not trying to start a fight with him, you look worried, anxious, and defensive with pale lips and trembling hands. You had mentioned not handling blood or pain well before, but he didn’t know you were this squeamish, you poor thing. “I have to, hon.”

“Joel…”

Joel raises a hand in your direction, “Don’t argue with me on this. You need to sit down, I can tell you’re gettin’ freaked.”

“Joel,” you say his name again in a warning tone, much sharper than before. 

“I know,” he says softly, as he steps closer to you, and you step back, your feet hitting the wall behind you. You’re feeling more amped up now. “Just let me look,” as he reaches for your wrist and pulls you closer, his grip tightening when you struggle against him and try to pull your arm away. “Quit squrimin’,” he grits his teeth as he fights against your strength. Minding his own strength, and with one hand gripping your wrist, he moves the other to your shoulder and forces you to the ground as gently as he can. A sliced hand is bad enough, he doesn’t need you fainting and cracking your skull open. You kick your legs and punch against him, but he pins his body on top of yours, your free hand between your body and his leg.

“Get the fuck off me, Joel,” you spit, “Get off, get off, get–”

“Hey. Hey,” he says, his voice firm yet gentle, “Breathe, sweetheart. I know you’re nervous.”

You stare at Joel with fiery eyes, breathing heavily through your nose. Shallow breaths, probably not getting enough oxygen to your brain, but at least you’re breathing. Joel gives you a moment to settle down.

“I need you to listen to me,” he tells you, “I don’t know how deep your cut is. I need you to let me look.”

“Please,” you beg, “Please don’t.”

“I’m gonna be gentle,” Joel promises as he flips your wrist up, gently beginning to pry your fingers open, “You look at me. Don’t look at your hand. Just look at me. Will you trust me?” 

Nodding apprehensively, you keep your focus on Joel. He nods in response, then examines your palm. He bites his cheek and frowns. 

“Is it bad?” you ask shakily.

“Uhh,” he hums, “It’s not good,” he answers you honestly. You’re cut in multiple areas and by the looks of it, the gashes go pretty deep. “You might need stitches.”

Fuck that. You squirm under Joel with all of your might to force him off of you. 

“Stop thrashin’. Stop it,” he says, holding your jaw firmly and looking into your eyes, “I’m not gonna stitch ya. We can cross that bridge when we get to Jackson. But you are risking infection. So I’m going to stop the bleeding, wash it, disinfect, then wrap your hand. That’s all.”

He has a tendency to get frustrated with you, and you’re sure he’s beyond frustrated with you right now, but he’s not showing it. He looks sincere, but you’re still on edge and lacking assurance. “Promise?” you whisper.

“I swear,” he assures softly, rubbing your jaw gently with his thumb. When you nod in response, Joel takes his coat off and folds it, then slides it under your head. He needs you as comfortable as you can be. 

“We are gonna have to amputate, though,” he jokes as he pulls out a rag from his bag and presses it into your hand. You give him a dirty look. “Kidding,” he says. 

Joel removes the rag to see if your hand is still bleeding. You catch a glimpse of the cut and the blood in your palm, running down your wrist, “Oh god, my hand, Joel–”

“Don’t look,” he repeats, “Just keep lookin’ at me, sweetheart.”

But you don’t. You can’t seem to peel your eyes away, and you feel lightheaded. Joel notices.

“Tell me somethin’ new,” he says, distracting you from the pain.

“Joel, please,” you whine.

“Somethin’ new,” he reminds you.

“I saw a cat yesterday.”

Joel nods in response. “What color?” he asks.

“Uh, calico,” you reply. He’s reaching into his bag, pulling out his canteen and rinsing your hand out with his water. The cool water feels soothing on your palm. 

“What’s calico?”

“It’s when a cat has three colors, Joel,” you answer impatiently, as if the answer should be glaringly obvious to him. “Fuck,”  you hiss, as he pats the wound dry. The fabric feels irritating and painful against you. 

“Tell me more. Tell me good things.”

Following his instructions, you begin rambling. It’s not hard once you start. “I saw a cat and I kicked Tommy’s ass in a board game and his baby is so cute, by the way. Almost as cute as the cat.”

“You think cats are cuter than babies?”

“Obviously. Babies are gross and they’re noisy and I finished the sweater I was crocheting for Maria and the snow looks pretty and I love you and I…” 

Joel pauses his work on your hand momentarily. He doesn't hear anything else you say after those three words. I love you. It’s a fuzzy sort of quiet, he’s in disbelief. I love you. When your hand twitches, he pulls his focus back to you.

“...And I watched Star Wars.”

“Yeah,” he replies quietly, “You said that already, you said–”

“I did? Oh yeah. I guess I did.”

You’re clearly delirious, in panic mode, and not thinking straight. You don’t remember talking about Star Wars an hour ago, you don’t even realize what just slipped your lips a second ago. Joel smiles to himself. He’s suspected it for a while. He loves you too. But that’s a conversation for later. There’s a more pressing issue at hand, quite literally.

Joel clears his throat and blinks a couple of times. “Uhm,” he hums, thinking of something to say, “And you said you got that movie from Ellie? The Phantom Menace?” 

“Star Wars.”

“Yeah, Star Wars Episode I, The Phantom Menace,” he corrects you. You shrug. “Unbelievable,” Joel says, “Thought I taught that girl better.” He reaches for a bottle of rubbing alcohol and keeps your hand open in his. “Alright, deep breath in and out. This is the worst part, then we’re done.” 

Before you have time to breathe in and out as instructed, before you have time to argue, Joel dumps the alcohol in your palm. You yelp and tug your hand away, but he holds it still.

“I know, I know, I know, baby,” he coos, “Almost done.”

“Joel,” you cry.

“Look, all done,” he whispers as tears off a piece of gauze and lays it over your gash. “See? All done. Just need to wrap it,” Joel prepares more gauze, “Makes sense you’ve identified with Jar Jar, of all characters.” 

“What do you mean?”

Joel begins to wrap the bandage tightly around your hand. “Clumsy,” he murmurs, “Troublemakin’... accident prone.” 

“I don’t think you like Star Wars,” you tell him.

“Not the prequels,” Joel replies, “Only good thing about the outbreak is that they couldn’t finish that godforsaken mess of a trilogy.”

“What do you mean, ‘prequels’?”

“There was an original trilogy that came out before that movie you watched. Ellie didn’t show you them?”, and you shake your head no, “So you don’t know Han Solo or Princess Leia. That means nothin’ to ya?”

“Nope.”

“Jesus Christ. What about C-3PO? R2-D2?”

“Oh, yeah. I know them. They were in that movie.”

“No,” Joel disagrees, then looking baffled for a second before nodding his head as he remembers the hour he spent watching that movie with Sarah years and years ago. “Mm, yeah, you’re right. Guess they were,” Joel concedes, “We’ll have to rectify this, you know. Have a movie night sometime.” 

“Yeah,” you agree, “You can make me popcorn.” 

“I’ll make you popcorn,” Joel says, watching a smile form on your lips. “There it is,” he praises, “Missed that smile. Don’t like seein’ you upset like that,” he murmurs, finishing your bandage wrap and securing it in place. “What am I gonna do with you?” he asks as he presses a kiss to your palm before he lets your hand go. You can still feel the warmth of his touch on your skin as he watches you and your cheeks begin to warm.

“I know what you’re gonna do with me,” you whisper. 

I’m gonna kiss you, and I’ll tell you that I love you too. That’s what I’m gonna do with you, Joel thinks, his heart beginning to race.

“Tell me, sweetheart.” 

“You’re gonna listen to my Jar Jar impression.”

Joel sighs. He watches you with adoration, and he wants nothing more than to express that adoration for you. It’ll happen when it happens. He decides to let it go for now and play along with you instead, however you want to. You deserve it, after all. He’ll put up a facade like you drive him crazy and he’ll let you believe you’re really getting under his skin, just to watch you smile and hear you laugh like you really got him this time. And he��ll tease you back, at least once more. 

“Please spare me until I lose my hearing in my other ear.” 

You oblige, smiling and rolling your eyes. Still holding eye contact with Joel, you become acutely aware of the position you’re in, that all too familiar position. Faces close, bodies closer and staring into his sparkly, warm brown eyes with his weight pressing into you. Maybe it’s the adrenaline, the way he took care of you, who knows. Out of the blue, you’re turned on and Joel knows. Joel cocks an eyebrow when your breath hitches, when you bite your lip and begin to squirm underneath him, seemingly now uncomfortable, aroused no doubt. “Time and place, hon,” he smirks smugly.

Heat rises up your neck and your cheeks at his accusation, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Yeah, you do. I know how you operate,” he asserts. “What’s got ya all worked up all of a sudden?” Joel asks, his hand caressing your cheek, your jaw.

“Nothing,” you lie. Your skin burns where his fingers trace.

“I think you’re lyin’. I know you like when I get rough with ya, just wasn’t expectin’ ya to like it now of all times, when I had to wrestle you down to fix that gash in your hand,” Joel taunts, “You’re very stubborn sometimes, you know that?” 

“Challenging,” you counter his claim, “And I wasn’t being stubborn. I could have taken care of my hand myself. I didn’t really need your help.”

Joel knows that’s a lie. You did, in fact, need his help. Badly. 

“That right there is stubborn.”

“No,” you argue, “And I’m not worked up right now, either.” Joel makes an amused face at you, and you wince internally. 

Shit. You fucked that up. Overcompensated.

“Right. Course not.” 

Against your better judgment, you open your mouth to argue further but Joel hushes you. “What do I get if you’re wet right now, sweetheart?” he whispers, unbuttoning your jeans. Your tummy flutters with desire as his fingertips skate across your skin. “You’re more than welcome to stop me right now,” he purrs. He’s giving you an out, a moment to make a choice, but you don’t dare stop him. And Joel grins. He snakes his hand down your pants, underneath your thin cotton panties. The anticipation builds with the tickle of his fingers lightly dragging over your mound, his middle and ring fingers tracing over your lips. You gasp quietly when he dips his fingers at your core, his fingertips collecting your arousal. You stifle a whine as he pulls his hand away from your body, showing you his two fingers glistening with your slick. Joel clicks his tongue, “Can’t be comfortable,” he murmurs, his tone sarcastic and sympathetic all at the same time. “This all for me?”

“No,” you breathe shakily. Yes. 

“You’re lyin’ to me,” he mumbles, bringing his two fingers to his lips. His mouth makes obscene noises as he sucks them clean of your arousal, humming at the sweet taste. Before you can think, he’s pulling your pants and underwear down in one fell swoop, his fingers finding their place back at your pussy. “You could tell me the truth and I’d go easy on ya,” he offers, his thumb pressing against your clit.

You love the thrill, that feeling in your stomach. Joel gives you a moment to answer, but you don’t. “No?”  he asks before situating himself on the ground with you, backing himself against a wall and pulling you into his lap. “Gonna make it worse for yourself,” he says, spreading your legs apart and hiking up your shirt, one hand playing with your pussy and the other kneading your breasts, teasing your nipples, “Why don’t you tell me how much ya needed this, hm? How you want me to make it all better.”

You sigh, a soft Joel falling from your lips as you become wetter, more sensitive as Joel’s fingers dance through your slick folds. He pushes two fingers inside you, fingers curling into that spot that he so loves. His thumb rubs tight, steady circles around your clit and he flicks the thumb of his other hand across your sensitive nipples, the combination of actions filling you with a deep, hot pleasure. You rest your head on his shoulder, the scratchy hairs on his cheek pressing against your forehead. You reach behind yourself to touch him, tangling your fingers in his curls.

“We’ll do this the hard way, then,” Joel shoves you forward, careful not to use too much of his strength but enough to let you know that he’s in charge. He’s always in charge. He takes his folded coat from the ground and positions it in front of himself. He stands up tall, knees popping as he rises. “Since you have nothin’ better to do with your mouth than tellin’ lies…”  Joel snaps and points to his coat, “Might as well keep you quiet instead. Down,” he instructs, “On your knees. Do it now.”

“Yes, Joel,” as you assume the position.

“Ah, now she speaks,” he taunts, the quiet metallic clang of him undoing his belt buckle sending excitement shooting through you. “Open,” is his next command, “Nice n’ wide, hon, you know how,” he instructs as he pulls out his cock, hard and with a pearly bead of precum glistening on his head. You open your mouth for Joel, eyes wide and Joel taps his member on your tongue. “Keep ya from doin’ that stupid fuckin’ impression, too.”

Your eyes light up as you think of something quippy to say, but Joel slides his cock into your mouth to keep you from doing so. “Ah-ah,” he tuts, “Quiet.” He’s delicious, masculine, heady, and intense. He fills your mouth entirely and you swirl your tongue around him, tracing thick veins and salty skin. “Attagirl,” Joel praises you, gripping the back of your head and pushing himself further into your mouth. You nearly gag, pulling back slightly but he holds you right where he wants you, “Right there.”

He pushes you further than you’re used to, but not to the point of discomfort. His tummy nudges your forehead as your nose presses against dark curls at the base of his dick and you use your hand to cup his balls. As you hum against him, you wonder if Joel intends for this to be a punishment. His tone and the way he conducts himself is commanding, but the way he fucks your mouth is gentle. 

“Still not worked up, right? Don’t need me?”, he asks, staring down at you with raised eyebrows. You shake your head no, lying again. “Okay,” he says, “I wanna watch you fuck yourself on your fingers. But don’t come. Not until you tell me what I wanna hear.” 

Your eyes flutter shut as you bring your fingers to your core, feeling your arousal. You push two fingers into your dripping pussy, pumping them in and out and trying to mimic the way it feels when Joel does it.

As you fuck yourself, you hollow your cheeks around his thick cock, letting him feel every inch of your soft and wet mouth. He’s domineering above you, but his hand on your cheek is gentle, caressing your skin softly. He looks down at you through hooded lids and as your eyes flutter shut, you wonder what he’s thinking. 

The way you’re touching your pussy hardly counts as fucking yourself, it’s teasing at best, and excruciating at that. You rub circles around your clit steadily, subtly, needing more than what he’s told you to give yourself. With your fingers working your clit and your mouth working Joel, the familiar pleasure of your climax is just within reach. Feeling yourself reaching your peak, you look up at Joel, “What are you doin’?”, he asks, like he’s caught you doing something you shouldn’t be.

You pull your mouth off of his cock to whisper, “Please, Joel,” which garners an irritated look from him. Joel bends lower to grab you by your bicep and force you to your feet, spinning you around and bending you over an empty shelf of an end cap. He parts your legs and drags his cock through your folds with one hand, the other gripping your hip. 

“Need those magic words, sweetheart. Say it, ‘I need you, Joel’. Go on, now. You got it.”

With the leftover feeling of your ruined orgasm and Joel’s cock teasing your pussy, you fold immediately. “I need you, Joel,” you breathe, “I need you.” 

“Tell me more. How do you need me?” as he continues to tease. 

“Need you to fuck me,” you gasp, “Please.”

“Need me to fuck ya,” he repeats, amused. Joel notches the tip of his cock at your entrance, “How ‘bout that. Tell me somethin’ I didn’t know.” 

It’s a rhetorical question. He doesn’t give you time to answer before he buries himself inside of you. You groan at the sudden intrusion, how deeply he enters you and how full you feel. 

He doesn’t need to experiment with you, doesn’t need to vary how he fucks you. You grip the edge of the end cap with both hands as he finds his pace immediately. His cock hits you right where you need him. 

“Hey, hey,” he whispers, reaching for your bandaged hand, “Don’t hold that. S’gonna hurt your hand. Hold mine instead,” as he wraps his palm around yours. “Better?”

“Better.”

You’re lost in it all, his hand holding yours tightly and his thighs hitting your ass, his balls slapping against your clit. His face is right next to yours, his nose buried in your hair as he nips at your ear. 

“Fuck,” he grunts as he fucks you. He moans softly, his breath feels warm. Each thrust feels deep and intentional. “Good girl. Takin’ my cock so good.”

“Yes, Joel,” you moan. 

He makes stuttering, strangled sort of noises. His breathing is sharp and unsteady through his gritted teeth, and you wish you could see him like this. You can just about picture him perfectly, his messy salt and pepper curls and that deep set line between his brows. 

He fucks you hard and rough, both of you panting and moaning. Soon enough, his rhythm becomes frenetic and stuttering. “Squ– fuck, squeezin’ me too good, I’m not gonna last, sweetheart.”

“Let me come, Joel,” you plead, “Please.”

“I know, I know. Don’t need to beg me, darlin’,” Joel coos. He snakes his hand between your thighs and quickly finds your clit, his thrusts still steady and deep. He expertly paints circles around your clit as he becomes sloppier and frenzied. 

“Oh god, oh fuck, Joel,” you’re gasping, feeling your walls begin to clench and squeeze him, “Right there, right there, fuck.”

“Yeah, s’it, let go for me,” he pants. 

With a few more circles tracing your clit, you fall apart on him. You come with a loud gasp, gripping his hand hard. Even after he helps you ride out your orgasm, he doesn’t yet stop fucking you, and the sensation is becoming all too much. You bite your lip to stifle yourself as he chases his own orgasm, and he spills into you with shuddering breaths and grunts, painting your insides with his seed.

You catch your breath with Joel as he begins to go soft inside you. You feel empty when he pulls out of you, craving the weight of his hand on yours after he lets go. As your breathing slows, turn around to face Joel. His dominant, taunting demeanor is gone and he helps you back into your clothes, then examines the bandage on your hand. He frowns when he sees he’s crumpled it and dampened it with his sweat. “Hang on,” he murmurs, quickly reaching for more gauze to rewrap it. 

You touch his shoulder, “Just– let’s wrap it again at home. It’s just gonna get ruined again.”

“No, I promise I’m not gonna clean it again, I just wanna–” Joel stops talking when you reach for his hand. He looks at where his hand connects with yours, then looks at you. “Okay,” he says. He stares at you intently, as if waiting for you to say more. You look like you want to.

Hand in Joel’s, you walk together out of the mall. The horseback ride home is quiet. You hug Joel tightly, and Joel savors the warmth of your cheek on his back again.

“Joel?” you ask. 

“Yeah, hon.”

“You’re sure you don’t wanna hear my impression?”

“I’m sure,” Joel says, but you can hear the smile in his voice. 

as always, i appreciate all of my readers. please please please leave a comment/reblog/send an ask if you enjoyed, your comments really do mean the world and keep me going <3

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[gilverrwrites]

Best friends to lovers, but it's Dick Grayson.

≈1.3K words, CWs: F!Reader, cunnilingus, dirty talk. Pet-names: Princess, baby girl, pretty girl. Rating: 18+ MINOR DNI

Your best friend Dick Grayson has no boundaries.

He helps himself to your food, swapping and changing dumplings for noodles, carrots for celery, dips his fries in your milkshake, without even asking.  

He leaves his dirty clothes in your washing hamper, ‘borrows’ your lotions, and leaves his streaming services logged in on all your devices. In the winter he puts his cold hands under your shirt, stealing your warmth, and laughs when you flinch. “But you’re so hot!” He whines, hugging you tighter, “Let me hold you a while longer, please.”

In the summer he struts around your apartment, shirtless and sheening with sweat, eating your ice cream, pumping up the AC so he and Haley can chill out post-run. Not that you mind, it’s just that ‘oh, no, he’s my best friend’ is a hard sell when you bring dates home.

At random hours of the early morning, he wakes you up by crawling into bed with you, clings to the over-sized shirt you're sleeping in that is clearly his and makes fun of your tattered old underwear. “They’re comfy!” “They’re… something...” He trails off, all dreamy and quiet, refusing to expand before falling asleep, and is gone by the time you wake up.  

Your best friend Dick Grayson brings you gifts from all over the world. Chocolates from that one mom-and-pop you once mentioned in Keystone, jewellery, and perfume he probably paid way too much for from market vendors in cities like Paris and Istanbul, risqué pieces of underwear from Milan.

On late nights, he rests his head on your tummy, settled between your thighs as you watch your favourite film series for the nth time, smiling to himself as you babble on about your favourite scenes, about facts he already knows because you already told him, but he wants to hear you say it again anyway. When you start falling asleep on the couch, he lifts you, bridal style with ease, and carries you to the bedroom. “Come on then princess, let’s get you to bed.” “I can do it myself.” “You can’t even keep your eyes open, let me.”

He brushes stray pieces of hair out of your face when you’re too engrossed in something to do it yourself, when your hands are too full to reach, or when he wants to get a better look at you, just because he loves looking at your face.

“Um, what are you doing?” He nonchalantly hooks his finger into the waistband of your trousers, disappointed when he gets a not-too-subtle peek at neither your endearing threadbare usuals, nor the lacey Italian ones he’d bought for you.

Your best friend Dick Grayson flirts with you blatant and publicly;

“The red or the blue?” “Neither.” “I have to wear something!” “I’d love to see you wearing nothing.” “Wear the blue, always the blue.” Jason would never let it go otherwise.   “What do you want?” “You.” “I meant to eat.” “Same answer.” “I could never be you.” “What? Why?” “Must be tiring, being that cute.”

He texts you when you’re not together. “Good morning pretty girl” “saw this and thought of you.” “What are you wearing?”

One day you text back a picture, a mirror selfie from behind, your skirt hiked up, showing off the tiny navy-blue thong and he doesn’t text back. You worry that you’ve taken it too far, overstepped a line. 

Until your best friend Dick Grayson is waiting for you when you arrive home, sporting a nasty black eye and a smile the size of titan tower. In actuality, that image was exactly what he’d been hoping for every time he messaged. That image had been ingrained in his mind since you sent it, and it was one thousand times better than he’d imagined. That image was his hook, time to reel you in.

“Sorry I didn’t text back, I was speechless. No really, I got this” he points to the purple bruise forming around his eye “because I was distracted, thinking about you.”

“It’s cool, you didn’t have to say anything.” You lie. “Not like you haven’t seen it all before.” 

“Can I see it again?”

In the middle of your cramped kitchen, your best friend Dick Grayson lifts your skirt above your waist and drops to his knees, brazenly eying your folds. On request, you take the skirt from his hands, holding it up, exposing yourself as you do a little twirl for him, letting him see the full picture. 

When he lands a playful smack on your ass-cheek he grins, thrilled by the playfully petulant look you fire at him over your shoulder. When he runs a finger over your clothed slit, he’s even more delighted by the way your body shivers, by the hint of wetness he can feel seeping through the thin piece of fabric.   

You don’t stop him when he hooks a finger in the crotch, pulling the obstructing lace to the side, or when he runs his fingers through your now exposed lips. Deft fingers tease you, ghosting over your clit with no real fiction, making your pussy clench around nothing. 

“Want something?” The sight of him at your feet, watching you through defiant eyes has you weak.  

“Yes, touch me.” The sight of you, spread and writhing has him near feral, but he wants something more. 

“I’m already touching you, Princess.” He laughs, his warm breath against your slick tingles. If his breath is enough to make you quiver, he can’t wait to find out what his tongue will do to you. “Ask for something else. Nicely.”

You’re not sure exactly what he wants you to say, so you stammer the first words that come to mind; “Please Dick, stop teasing. Just do whatever you want to do, I want it too.” 

It’s enough. 

Your best friend Dick Grayson lifts you by your knees, setting you on the counter and securing your thighs over his shoulders as he descends on your folds. He’s messy and desperate, unable to get enough of your sweetness, darting his tongue in every direction until he finds the select few motions that have your fingers curling in his hair, have you panting his name between loose lips.

When you start to roll your hips, using his mouth for your own pleasure he can’t help but moan, the reverb sending further vibrations through your body that has your toes curling. He’s rock hard, itching to palm his cock, to grind it against the closest surface, but that’s an afterthought. He won’t get off until he’s lapped up your climax at least once. 

“Are you gonna cum for me?” His words are slurred, muffled between your legs, unwilling to pull away long enough to get his words out cohesively. “I want you to cum all over my face, okay baby girl?”

If he wasn’t already salivating against you, Dick’s mouth would water at the sight of you. Your body begins to jerk, your back arching, head thrown back as your orgasm hits you, his firm hands tighten around your legs, locking your lower body in place until all your tension is gone, and his face is soaked with your fluids. 

As you come down from your high, he savours the flavour, occasionally licking up stray droplets from your skin. He admires the way you look, head lolled to the side, eyes static under heavy lids, jaw slack, until it’s too much, until he needs to see you high on his doing once more. Without warning he lifts you. The collar of his shirt is damp, his cheeks are flushed, his hair a mess.

“Let’s get you somewhere more comfortable for round two.” Your best friend Dick Grayson says as he cradles your body in his arms. 

#dick grayson #dick grayson x reader #nightwing #nightwing x reader #reader insert #dc #gilverrwrites

[cassidymb121]

OMG It’s You (Part 6)

YouTube! Fem reader x Stray Kids

Summary: Y/N’s YouTube channel is taking off after her reactions to Stray Kids MV God’s Menu. Now she’s making videos nonstop along with working a full time job. What would happen if she got offered a job of a lifetime and met the boys of her succession?

⚠️Warnings⚠️: rambling, rambling, and more rambling

🏷️: @laylasbunbunny @weirdowithaphone @silverstarburst @jusanontstuff @anxiousskylar @drewsandsebastianswife @amararosesblog @niaalove (Taglist open)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 2.5 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6.5 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N’s POV

I felt a sense of being overwhelmed as I attempted to set up the PO Box address. Gasping for breath, I went to my desk to power up all the necessary devices. I sank into my chair while waiting for my computers to boot up. I had just started reading an email when I received a call from the post office. After logging into my laptop, I returned to the email to continue reading.

Dear Y/N,

We closely follow your channel and greatly appreciate your insightful reviews on K-pop albums. On behalf of everyone here at JYP Entertainment, we are pleased to offer you exclusive access to Stray Kids' newest mini album, Oddinary. We kindly request that you refrain from releasing the video until the official release date. We would also request early access to the video to arrange for Stray Kids to watch it together before the release. We sincerely appreciate your continuous support for Stray Kids. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Park Jin-young

I almost wanted to roll my eyes when he asked me not to release the video until everyone could access the mini-album. Like, I would even think about doing that anyway. I click on the attachment below where the mini album sits, waiting to be listened to. I look back at all the stuff I brought from the post office and drop my shoulders. ‘Do I want to record this video first, or wait and make a video about all the stuff I got from the fans?’ That thought alone was already making my head hurt. “On one hand, if I go ahead and listen to the mini album, all I’ll have to do is edit it. However, I’ll have all these packages and letters littering my room.

On the other hand, if I do the stuff from the fans, I might be unable to record the mini album video before it releases.” I say aloud to myself. I knew that no longer sitting here would prevent me from doing anything.

After making up my mind, I decided to make a short video showing all the stuff I got from the post office and then review the mini album. So that way, I can edit it and have it ready. In the meantime, I can start opening up the mail I’ve gotten from the fans. Satisfied with the plan I’ve conjured in my head, I get started on executing my plan.

Before I go any further, I type up a professional email to JYP thanking him for the access and promise not to release the video until everyone else has access.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After creating a brief video showcasing the items I received and promising to film myself opening the packages, I uploaded it to my channel. Next, I retrieved the attachment for the mini album. I reached for my headphones from the rack on my desk and plugged them into my laptop. After conducting thorough sound checks to ensure the viewers and I could hear the music clearly, I proceeded to freshen up and grab something to eat once everything was set up to my liking.

Returning to my seat, I feel refreshed after showering and having a satisfying meal. I lean back and settle in, cleaning my teeth thoroughly with brushing and flossing. I need to present myself well to my audience, and I want to avoid any distractions, like food stuck between my teeth, that could detract from the experience. The thought of it gives me chills.

Grabbing my favorite pair of over-ear headphones, I carefully place them over my ears, ensuring they fit snugly. I double-check the microphone to ensure it's picking up my voice clearly, adjusting the distance as needed. Taking a moment to compose myself, I settle into my chair and take a deep breath to calm my nerves. With everything in place, I press the button to turn on my camera and count to five before flashing a warm smile and beginning my address to everyone watching.

“Hello Lovelies! So, I have some fascinating news for all of you. I received an email from a certain company and have been given early access to this artist's mini-album. That’s right! JYP has given me early access to Stray Kids newest Mini Album!” I start excitingly clapping to myself and smiling as wide as I can. “Now, while I may be getting to listen to this early, this video will not hit my channel until the actual release date comes. I will also upload this video once everyone has access to it. As most of you know, I listen to the whole album and then talk about it—what I like about it, what stands out most, etc. Still, in the end, I will give this album an honest review and rate it from 1 to 10. So, let’s get started.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Third Person POV

The boys were called into one of the offices, and you could say they did not feel this would be a good meeting. Even when they get to the room, they see their boss already there with a laptop. Chan, getting ready to take the heat from their boss for the group, gets stopped by JYP. “I didn't call you here because you did anything. I called you here for quite the opposite.” The boys were about to ask him what they were called in for, but their boss beat them. “I have something that I want you boys to watch. I think you will enjoy this. Leave the laptop when you’re done and press play when ready.” He tells them, leaving them with the laptop. Once he leaves the room and the boys can no longer hear his footsteps, they rush to the computer. They hesitate before pressing play, but what they see leaves them speechless.

It’s a video of Y/N, and they see that their boss gave her early access to their comeback album. Before they get too far into the video, they get chairs to be comfortable while watching her listen to their music. Changbin brings up the idea of connecting the laptop to the projector so it's not crowded around a small screen. They all agreed and fixed everything; all they had to do was press play on the laptop. Once everything is set, Chan clicks on the play button. All attention turns to the screen showing their favorite YouTuber.

“So, Stray Kids newest comeback album is called Oddinary and I will edit in a picture of what the cover looks like.” Before talking about it, she adds a picture of what their cover looks like. “Just from looking at it, I would say it looks pretty dope, like a screen-like mannequin head with screws showing out of it. Their color scheme is green, black, silver, and maybe purple. The titles on the album are, in order, Venom. Maniac. Charmer.Freeze. Lonely St. Waiting For Us with Bang Chan, Lee Know, Seungmin, and I.N. Muddy Water with Changbin, Hyunjin, Han, and Felix. I like all these song titles. Waiting For Us will be a tearjerker, so I must have my tissues on standby.”The boys start laughing and nudging each other. She bites her bottom lip while moving her cursor to the first song. “I’m going to listen to the songs in order, and I might save Waiting For Us last since I want to make sure Muddy Water gets a fair chance. Plus, I would cry in the end. Okay, without further ado, let’s get started.” The boys watch and gauge her reaction to each song. She tells them that she will talk about each song after listening to them all. When she reaches the end, she stops playing the last song. “Wow. I’m trying to save all my thoughts until after I listen to Waiting For Us. Why am I so nervous about listening to this? I know it will be a good song, but this one might knock it out of the park.” She shakes her head. “Alright, let’s do this. I’ve got my tissues on hand.” The boys laugh with her. The music starts to play, and her reaction changes right away.

Chan sees her go ahead and grab a tissue. Lee Know sees that her eyes start to look shiny. Changbin says that she’s gripping the tissue in her hand tightly. Hyunjin notices that she’s trying to keep her face neutral but fails to smile. Han watches as a stray tear falls down her face, even though she’s happy. Felix’s eyes follow her hand as she wipes her face with the tissue. Seungmin looks as she replays the song again. I.N. watches as she closes her eyes, listening deeply to the words, and tears stream down her face. At the very end, she removes her headphones, looks off to the side, and then laughs.

“I told you I was going to cry. I knew it was inevitable.” The boys smile at the girl on the screen, waiting for her review. “I will give this mini album a 100 out of 10. It has some great aspects to it. I love how each song fits and feels with the album title. There was a reason why I left Waiting For Us last: because I knew I would fall in love with it and did not want to listen to the other tracks. As it turns out, I was right.” She and the boys laugh.

“One thing about listening to a song for the first time is that not all click with you immediately. Everyone is different. Sometimes, it may take a few listens before you think, ‘I dig this song.’ Others will like it right away. I would say that I loved each song, but a couple of songs that didn’t click right away were Venom and Muddy Water. Now, does that mean I don’t like those songs? No, I enjoy them. That’s like the IN LIFE album. At first, The Tortoise and the Hare didn’t click with me. I loved the lyrics and the music, but a couple of parts in the song threw me off. Now that song can be put on repeat, I wouldn’t get tired of hearing it repeatedly. The moral of all the nonsense I’m saying is that sometimes songs don’t click right away but end up promising.”

The boys, watching her intently, wait for her final words. “I made two edits of this video since I knew I wanted to send one to the guys.” The boys freeze up as she looks straight into the camera before continuing. “Stray Kids. If you’re watching this right now, I want you to know how proud I am of all of you. You’ve come this far, and you’re still doing an amazing job. You keep showing Stays daily that you still have tricks up your sleeves.” She smiles at them. “Keep up the good work, but take care of yourselves. That means taking breaks, ensuring you eat, and getting the necessary sleep.” She points at the camera, “That means you too, Christopher.” She raises her eyebrows. “Don’t make me fly over there and force you to sleep.” The boys start to tease their leader with her mocking words. He waves their hands away, trying to listen to what she has to say. “Well, that’s it for the video! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did until we meet again. Bye!” She smiles, waving at the camera.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A/N: I decided to add this in because why not 🤷🏻‍♀️ The reader gets first access to Stray Kids mini album and Stray Kids get early access of the reader reacting to their newest comeback. I’ll be doing a second part to this chapter specifically to the reader videoing herself opening the packages from her fans (Including the boys 🤪)

(With a special surprise 😏)

#bang chan #changbin #han jisung #hyunjin #jeongin #lee felix #lee know #seungmin #stray kids #stray kids x reader #stray kids x you #stray kids x y/n #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #bang chan x reader #lee know x reader #changbin x reader #hyunjin x reader #han jisung x reader #lee felix x reader #seungmin x reader #jeongin x reader #skz x y/n #skz x you #skz x reader #skz fanfic #skz scenarios #skz

[hollowmend]

Fetch Re;Quest Dev Log #1 - 11/15/2023

Welcome to the first official dev log for Fetch Re;Quest! This one is probably loooong overdue, haha...

It's a Sequel

I've been trying to make a sequel to my NaNoRenO game, Fetch Quest, literally since it came out. In fact, if you get the creator's commentary from itch, you'll see I was very confident that I'd be able to get something for it ready to go in just a few short months...

That was four and half years ago 😅 But after many false starts, I finally managed to get something going.

What's It About?

(Side note, I've been using Feniks' Easy Ren'Py GUI template a lot lately, and its a lifesaver. Check it out if you're a fellow dev!)

Hey! I think this might be the first real screenshot I've posted of the game! Isn't Flora's bedroom cute?

Anyway! Fetch Re;Quest picks up directly after the upcoming Fetch Quest Remaster's new "True Ending".

After their one-shot TTRPG session ends, Flora finds herself wrestling with a problem. She has a crush on her coworker and would like to ask him out, but she's a little nervous.

So what does she do? Procrastinate, of course!

Flora sets a one week challenge for herself to grind up her stats in preparation for the final battle- Asking the object of her affection out on a date.

Luckily, she and her coworkers Connor, Todd, and Dan all have the week off. Flora decides to use the various board, card, and video games she and her friends play as a way to mentally level up.

The Stats

That's right, the game is a (light!) stat raiser. Each day, the gang decide between four games to play, each of which are tied to one of Flora's imaginary stats. Each game has its own scenes and helps Flora build up her confidence.

Techno-opolis is a 4X civilization building boardgame that increases Flora's "Acumen".

Of Fiends and Fangs is a social deduction card game about werewolves, vampires, villagers and betrayal that increases Flora's "Charm".

Clockwork Mercenaries is a steampunk monster hunting game that forces Flora to get "Gud".

and Deathpocolypse 2 is a janky ghost hunting game that increases Flora's "Moxie".

But be careful... Flora is easily distracted, and getting too into a game could lead to her completely forgetting about her original mission.

So Who's the Crush?

It's Dan.

Much to my surprise, the tired, snarky GM of the first game was very popular. I got a lot of comments lamenting the fact that he wasn't one of the love interests.

So here he is, the sole LI of Fetch Re;Quest! Sorry to any Connor or Todd lovers. It's Danny's time to shine.

New Characters

Connor and Todd will be prominently featured, but Fetch Re;Quest will also introduce a handful of new characters as well! Here's a sneak peek of about half the new cast:

Nona, Teddie, and David (pronounced Dah-veed) are members of the band Cats Eat Bats! There is one more member named TJ not pictured, but you've already met him, so...

Flora sets herself the daunting task of asking Dan out during their concert at the end of the week, but they show up here and there throughout the entire game. They're especially involved if you play a lot of Deathpocolypse 2!

What's Next?

A large portion of the game is already written and I've started commissioning the assets I'm not making myself. Things are really starting to roll now!

Right now I'm working on finishing the script and making the sprites. Hopefully that means there will be more visual things to show off soon.

Until Next Time

Hopefully these dev logs are at the very least interesting! If there's anything in particular you want to know about the game, feel free to send me an ask.

#fetch re;quest #visual novel #interactive fiction #fetch quest #hollowmend #otome #devlog

[amphetaminedreamer]

tips & tricks to ward off cravings when restricting. 🌸

FASTS

drink lots of water and take vitamins if you can, often times your body will crave certain micronutrients that can initiate cravings for other things (chips, fries, burger, etc). make sure you’re supplementing these for healthier options when you’re not fasting so you can see more results

think outside the box, let’s say you’re anemic (like many of us who have chronic ED’s) and are rlly craving a burger or thinking of breaking your fast. CHEW ICE!!! it can be such a lifesaver

depending on how you determine your fasts, drink tea!! if you’re craving something sweet use the tiniest amount of stevia (remember if you go past a certain threshold your body will begin to produce insulin and no longer be considered to be “fasting”

if your electrolytes are low do something abt it!!! i love vitamin water 0, seaweed, and rice cakes, for emergencies. remember anything under 50 cals does not break a fast, make sure that there are 10 or less grams of carbs in it tho

track your fasts down to the minute!! from your exact last bite of food set a clock for your fast, i like to use the Zero app. it helps hold me accountable and encourages me to keep going

find distractions, read a book, talk to a friend, watch tv, go on a walk!

RESTRICTING

back to my first point abt cravings. this is basically my cheat code

if i notice myself craving anything fatty, (burger, pizza, cheese) i opt for healthy fats. my go to is salmon, walnuts, almonds, and olives

for craving salty foods, (chips, fries, etc) I like to opt for roasted seaweed or broccoli.a

and for sweet cravings i’ll reach for a cup of warm tea w/ stevia. i usually like ginger tea bc it debloats very well!

pre plan your meals! know exactly what you plan to eat that day and hold yourself to it! i usually pre plan the sunday of a week or each morning or evening so that i’m making sure i’m getting what my body needs

work out more! once i started exercising it helped me to really understand how many calories i was eating. 1 protein bar becomes one run, an extra scoop of ice cream is a pilates session etc.

you can double check calories if you’re paranoid abt them when logging

every 1g of carbs has 4 cals

1g protein = 4 cals

1g fat = 9 cals

diligently track your calories if that’s something you do, we’ve all binged and been afraid to log calories after, log them anyways. it’s motivation to not do it again

weighing yourself before and after meals can encourage you to eat less

when preparing for a meal drink 12 oz of water first, then eat all vegetables first, then lean proteins, then carbs/ fats, you’ll be able to eat less that way and might not even finish your meal

hope this helps!

#4norex1a #wanna be thin #tw ana relapse #ana stuff #ana trigger #4n4m1a #4na diary #4n4rexia #4norexi4 #4na rules #4namia #4nami4 #4n4t1ps #4n4r3x1a #i wanna be skinnier #i want to be thinner #i wanna lose weight #i want to be a skeleton #i wanna be small #tw eating issues #low cal meal #meal inspiration #mealspo

[soaringsearingphoenix]

hey, hope you're okay! x

Hi hi!!! I'm doing alright, thanks for checking in! I've been in a fairly productive swing recently, as far as trying to stay motivated to complete the classes I'm in currently. Motivation is an unpredictable muse for me, so when I feel compelled to do something that I think I actually SHOULD be doing, I try to let that wave carry me as far as it can. I think I could make a surfing metaphor here if I were from the part of California where people surf.

Anyways, as it ramped up into Midterms season I learned how to use my laptop's firewall and I blocked anything that is really "catchy" to me, anything that feeds the ADHD urge to fidget without actually making me feel good about it when I'm done, anything where once I log on I won't be able to voluntarily pull myself away for at least an hour.

That means Instagram, tumblr, and this one 2048 game spinoff that is four times the size and moves at an absolutely glacial pace, which I'd been playing for months

I don't use fb anymore but I blocked that too, just for fun. And I! Still procrastinate sometimes lol. But it's mostly things I can set down when I want to. And even the little bit of time it freed up, I've been trying to use that to do things that keep me healthy. I've been walking when the weather permits, and actually taking notes about what foods help me concentrate and what the timing of eating them should be relative to the other things I should try to do, like sleep or work on homework.

And some of the homework is fun! I'm in a music theory class. I'm finally learning the jargon that seemed so unapproachable. And I have an excuse to be at the keyboard that people around me actually treat as a priority and not a distraction! It's not all rainbows (life is Difficult) - this is all good news but it's also kind of about managing bad habits that were getting out of hand. That's a whole separate topic. But today in particular I'm really proud of myself! Yesterday I told myself I needed to get some homework done, and then I did! PLUS had some time while it was still light outside to plant some flowers for my mom. I'm feeling good about that.

TL;DR: Thanks again so much for checking in.

I'm mostly staying off tumblr at least until school lets out. I thought about making a post to explain that but I wasn't sure I would actually follow through until I did. There are a lot of people on here I knew I would miss though and I did because y'all are such a genuine joy to interact with. Tumblr is SO bad for my procrastination though, I don't think that's news to anyone lol

i'm gonna sign out again for a bit but I might pin this if you can do that with asks.

#And i do miss yall! #If you wanna stay in touch and you use discord DM me and ill reach out there

[kathbunny]

More of the vrMmo au!

Tw: brief avoiding eating in Kyana section, it's not very much or very intense in anyway, she's just pouty about being told to eat

Dani hadn't been logged in for long before Kyana had joined her. Dani was working on the plans for a ship, a vehicle that would certainly be more interesting and useful for finding the ocean dungeons than the ones that could be bought from an npc.

Kyana was watching Dani draw the plans, resting her head on the table between them. Dani heard an odd sound from the other side of Kyana's mic, something unclear due the poor quality.

"What was that?" Dani asked, looking up from her project.

"Oh, uhm-" Kyana sounded embarrassed and she took a moment to answer. "My stomach growled, that's all."

"Log off and go eat then?" Dani replied, looking back down at her project. "Can't have you hungry for the dungeon we're checking out later."

"I'm not actually hungry." Kyana said, and even Dani could tell that was a lie.

"When was the last time you ate?" Dani asked bluntly.

Kyana started counting under her breath.

"Go eat or I'll-" Dani wasn't sure what she could do. "I'll ask Finbar to time you out in the guild text chats."

"Oh c'mon, that's not far!" Kyana argued.

"And he'd do it if he heard it was about food!" Dani argued back.

Kyana huffed, her avatar struggling to portray a pout to match whatever Kyana's real expression underneath was. "Fine, I'll log out."

-

Dani paced through the guild's entryway as she looked through her inventory, reorganizing it in preparation for the dungeon. VR-LA was lounging with Emi at one of the tables, arguing in some private call, based on the way their avatars moved.

As Emi's large robotic avatar disappeared, VR-LA approached Dani again. "Emi's heading to bed." VR-LA said, frustrating tinting his voice.

"Everything okay?" Dani asked, looking up at him from her inventory screen.

"I'm fine. Gotta go tuck my daughter in though. I'll be back soon." VR-LA answered. "I'll be ready to go in twenty minutes. Won't be too late."

Dani nodded, watching his avatar disappear too.

-

Finbar gave Dani a slap on the back, her hp immediately returning to full with the action. "Be a bit more careful. Leave the running in for Kyana and me, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I've got it. I can handle myself." Dani grumbled, doing a motion like she was dusting herself off.

Kyana and VR-LA were both thoroughly distracted by some item Kyana had gotten, not noticing the rest of the situation going on.

Finbar sighed. "Of course you can, Dani. I'm sure you can." Finbar ruffled the hair of Dani's avatar, which briefly lit his gloves on fire. He shook it off without really thinking about it and moving on to see what was going on with Kyana and VR-LA.

#rolling with difficulty #rwd #rwd kyana #my writing #rwd dani #rwd vr la #rwd finbar #vrmmo au

[theroastedwretch]

Between the Lines- Ep. 5

Warnings- PG-13 due to Swearing and Explicit Language, Mature Themes, possible Violent References

Index Ep. 4

I knew for sure that I’d cracked once the angry hecklers started rolling in and I just felt a sense of amusement. At this point, I wished that the case was as simple to solve as “the creepy strangers did it”. Maybe then I’d get my own life back. 

Fuck, I should have just let her win the vote. If they really wanted me to go, why should I fight it? She wasn’t my friend, it really wasn’t my problem. I should just send her what I had and tell her to have fun. She could deal with her sister’s secret sins and I’ll go back to watching cat videos in all of my abundant spare time.

Frankly, Duskwood had brought me nothing but problems so far. 

I snarked back at some of the strangers’ messages and when Dan accused Jake of running, I bit my tongue to prevent saying that the Hacker had started running before any of this started. I knew the accusations had the potential to become a real issue for me eventually, but why fight it? Jake was the only one who could do anything, and he’d decided to have nothing to do with me. 

It’d take a while to become an issue for me anyway. Lilly didn’t know anything about me outside of my name and number and I wasn’t sure how long it would take for a video from a girl in Germany to make its way to the Mid-Western US but I suspected it’d be a bit, if at all. If she hadn’t linked the video in the chat, there was a chance I wouldn’t have seen it before I started getting attacked.

I was pretty surprised she knew Jake’s name though. Maybe he really had been Hannah’s lover, if her sister knew about him. Guess that would explain why he’d think it’s wrong— flirting with a random chick while investigating the disappearance of your secret girlfriend was impressively gross.

I distantly appreciated Richy’s attempts to cheer me up and Jessy asking for time off for a surprise. I played along despite myself, letting him think it was helping while thinking about how I’d have to get Jake to turn off spy mode at some point, I wouldn’t need it anymore. I didn’t really want to read about their lives once I was no longer involved.

When he did log on, I was distracted from asking him to do that by my surprise that he didn’t already know. Guess avoiding me extended as far as reading my chats. He agreed to take care of it, and that was that. Professional, cool, just like he wanted. 

I felt my first real emotion since I’d cried my heart out to Annie, and it was rage. It swept over me with a force I didn’t know was possible. After everything, everything that I had given and done, for him… he told Lilly something about himself. Something he refused to share with the rest of the class.

I knew, what? That his hair was black, and he liked his islands to have internet. I’d thought knowing his name was special but apparently fucking not. And now, she’d thrown us under the bus to protect her friends and because of that, she got to know something I didn’t. 

I couldn’t help myself, demanding he tell me. After all the time I’d spent making myself do little more than gently prod, teasingly, and accepting it when he’d deflect. I could barely see straight as I made it clear I was done waiting.

And though I didn’t tell him this, when he admitted he was wanted, part of me wasn’t at all surprised, considering it felt like the most obvious thing in the world. Nothing else fit his behavior, really, unless he really was a 17 year old Edgelord with a V for Vendetta fetish. 

Despite the fact that I, on some level, already knew what he was telling me, the confession tamped down on some of my rage. Unfortunately, that only made room for the fear that his disappearance would cause. I didn’t know if it was fear for him, for me, for Hannah. But dread had settled in my chest, and I suspected it would stay for a while

___

Asking Dan about Jennifer was either a really good, or really bad idea. Only time would tell which. But I had my reasons. He’d proven to me with his drunken ramblings that he at least cared— giving me the info on the bracelet, admitting to helping Thomas get into Hannah’s apartment. He was bored enough at the hospital that despite his protests, I knew he’d make time to talk. Finally, he was the least likely to pull his punches. Jessy might be less likely to lie to me, but more likely to be careful about how she said things. Dan probably wouldn’t think before he talked.

He didn’t know much, but since he mentioned it as being a long time ago, similar to Hannah, I figured that for anyone who didn’t have the same level of trauma she seemed to have surrounding the event it was the first time they’d thought about it in ages.

I didn’t know if I believed that the killer wasn’t from Duskwood. It seemed to me a bit more likely that the decision was made out of discomfort, the same way that the news of the body had been tucked away in the paper.

Hannah would be too young to have likely been capable of murder, especially of an adult. It seemed more likely to me that her guilt stemmed from hiding something— maybe she’d witnessed it, or even helped cover it up. 

Other than knowing for sure that Jennifer was dead, I didn’t get much to go on. Still, Dan seemed to enjoy the ego stroke of being the one I asked, so it wasn’t totally pointless. He was a big part of why I’d been allowed to stay, after all.

Richy trying to keep us from confronting Thomas about his toy trampling rage was either really sweet, or really suspicious. I couldn’t really decide which. Either way, Thomas definitely seemed to be losing it a bit. I was worried that confronting him might just make it worse, especially considering he’d already voted against me with Lilly. If he was even half as destructive as she was, it wasn’t worth the risk. Besides, I could definitely empathize with the desire to lose it right about now.

I couldn’t hold myself back from confiding in Richy and Jessy about the calls. I knew it was stupid, those should be something I keep close to my chest since I didn’t want to tip off the culprit that they were getting to me, but I just wanted some damn sympathy already. Jake had his reasons for not taking them seriously, and I knew that, but I needed someone to talk about Poor MC for a minute and let me whine. 

Jessy, as always, was a superstar about it, immediately supporting me. And the solidarity from Richy made me smile, even if Jessy didn’t appreciate our coping methods. 

Still, the fact that she immediately picked up on the fact that the caller was one of the group was surprising. She was by no means dumb, just a bit oblivious and I was surprised to see her doubt her friends unprompted. I’d wondered before if her willingness to believe the legend was at all related to the hope that no one she knew was guilty, so I hadn’t expected her to acknowledge any proof that implied otherwise.

Still, I didn’t know if letting that slip was a good idea, so I was mildly glad that Richy seemed to reject the idea. Not because I agreed, but because I’d been trying to keep the group from splintering and this would risk those efforts.

Dan’s attempts to deny responsibility for his accident got under my skin, but I clamped down on that and considered my response carefully. Of course I didn’t believe him, his story didn’t fit the M.O. in the slightest. There were no ties to the legend, no stalking or markings. So far, the kidnapper had been more direct, kidnapping Hannah, dumping the unknown body. They risked no ambiguity and took responsibility for their deeds-- at least behind the mask. 

Still. I’d barely just started to make leeway with Dan. Did it make sense to feed into us delusions, let him pretend he didn’t make a stupid choice that endangered others and he was lucky to survive? 

As a “friend”, and a person who generally cared? No, not at all. As an investigator, though. And with Jake gone and not reading along, I had to play both roles, so I bit back my more sarcastic retort and forced myself to smile at my phone.

“I believe you, Dan.”

And my BS came in handy, since not long after that he gave me Jennifer’s last name.

___

Annie had been managing the impressive feat of both avoiding me while somehow hovering. It was like being followed by a ghost— she said very little to me, maybe afraid of another emotional outburst, but always seemed to be keeping an eye on me. 

Frankly, it was making me want to pull my hair out. I nearly snapped at her to leave me alone several times, but whenever I caught sight of her face—very worried and tense— I’d sigh and let it go. 

So I was pleasantly surprised when she let me know she was going out one Wednesday afternoon just as I logged out of work. She explained it away as an appointment and errands, and I smiled in a way that probably didn’t reach my eyes as I waved her away with promises that I’d be fine.

Not twenty minutes later, it became clear why she’d been okay leaving me alone as a knock on the door pulled me from my podcast and mindless doodling. Opening the door without looking resulted in the air rushing out of me completely and a pair of sunglasses knocking me in the forehead before they fell off the top of my sister’s head.

“Em Em!” She cried excitedly, and my eyes widened in shock. 

“Paige? What are you doing here?” I automatically moved aside to let her in, noticing the suitcase and extra large purse. We lived a bit far apart for a day visit, but the sheer size of her luggage made me suspicious.

“Can’t a girl visit her big sister?” She teased, batting her eyes as she set down her bags and retrieved her fallen sunglasses. Plopping them on the top of her head to push back her hair in a way that showcased her effortless beauty, she ran an appraising eye up and down my body. “You look like shit.”

“Gee, love you too, P.”

She shook her head and waved her hand dismissively at me as she started into the living room to get comfortable on the couch. “You know what I’m saying.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, not yet moving from my place by the door. “Right, not like you’ve ever insulted my looks before.”

She had the grace to look chagrined even though I’d been harassing her about it for years. She’d been rather tactless as a teenager, and had once asked me whether “all sisters considered themselves the ‘pretty one’” or was it just her. It was still something I thought about when I felt insecure, but I’d forgiven her for it long ago.

“You’re lovely,” she assured me. I knew I wasn’t grotesque, but I was far more plump than conventionally attractive, without the defined waist she’d been blessed with, and rather plain features. My most remarkable trait was my pile of curly brown hair that I considered a nuisance, but Paige had always envied compared to her fine, sleek hair that refused to hold a curl no matter how hard she worked at it.

Rolling my eyes, I finally moved away from the door and busied myself making tea rather than coffee since it was late enough in the day to make the latter a bit risky for mere mortals like her. “You’re not distracting me, flattery only gets you so far. Let me guess, Annie called you?”

“She was worried,” she grumbled by way of admission. “She said you’ve been down and acting weird. I’ve barely heard from you in weeks, and Dad said the same.”

I waved my hands in annoyance, the teabags flapping in the air with the movement. “How would he know? He replies once a month. If that.”

She shrugged. “Right, but you usually try.”

Despite knowing she was right, I felt irritation flash across my features. “Well excuse me if I got tired of my own father ignoring me. He’s off doing who the fuck knows what, and you’re not the most reliable at responding either you know. Why should I reach out if it’s pointless?” I snapped hotly.

She came over and wrapped her arms around my waist from behind, pushing up on her toes slightly to rest her chin on my shoulder. “M. It’s not like that.”

“No?” I asked. “How often do you reach out first if it’s not to ask for help with something?”

“I’m sorry. I know I should try harder. It’s just…”

I knew what it was. In her teen years, I’d become a weird mom-sister hybrid. Even once I’d moved away, she still saw me as something of an authority figure despite our three year difference starting to mean less and less in terms of the disparity in our life experience. Between that and her busy schedule, I mostly heard from her when she crashed her car or needed to find a doctor for something, as well as the occasional drunk dial when she was trying to avoid calling her ex.

In the last year, she’d finally been able to move from working at a makeup counter and doing prom looks to getting more gigs around her real passion. She’d landed a few low-budget indie films, some photo shoots where she’d been given more creative control, and local plays with larger audiences. That meant her work hours were pretty chaotic, and since I normally had the sleep needs of your average 80-year-old, it made it hard to find time we were both available. I usually tried to text something every now and then for her to see when she woke up, and she would send me pictures of new looks she was experimenting with.

In her off time she wore little-to-no makeup herself, quoting an airy “if you’re good at something, never do it for free,” but I knew that really it was at least partially because she much preferred techniques that were dramatic rather than pretty. When we were young, she’d always whine until I let her do my makeup for any costume party, silly event or Halloween, and as we got older it went from face paint whiskers to dramatic interpretations of sea creatures and mystical spirits. They weren’t always very nice looking, one or two could even be considered grotesque, but they always impressed at the parties I went to. 

She’d also fooled my dad into letting her skip school several times using her “pale and drawn” look, which subsequently had become one of her most practiced by the time she graduated.

I, meanwhile, was still working on keeping liquid eyeliner marginally straight. 

I was proud of her, how could I not be? But I’d often been jealous of her passion, and how easily she’d found what she wanted to do with her life. Getting there was hard work, but figuring it out had been simple. I’d so far only discovered what I didn’t want to do, and a couple of things I didn’t totally hate.

The tea steeped as we stood there together, and once I snapped out of my reverie and decided it had brewed enough, I moved both mugs to the counter and pulled up a bar stool. She grabbed herself the milk and sugar and mixed her tea to her liking as I began to sip mine plain.

She let me muse into my tea as long as she could— she was the only person I knew who was worse at silence than I was. “I planned for a week visit if that’s okay with you. Annie already ok’d it, I asked when she called since I knew you guys used to fight about her having people over too much.”

I raised my eyebrows. I don’t think she’d spent a week with me total since I’d moved nearly ten years before. What had Annie told her?

“I also promised plenty of gifts to bribe her with. Some makeup samples, booze, some random autographs I planned to use as Christmas gifts when I felt like being cheap.” She grinned at me, knowing that my roommate was easily swayed by fashion and men.

I snorted and rolled my eyes, thinking back to the times she and Annie had gotten drunk together over the few visits she’d made out here.

Seizing on that tiny crack in my mood, she ran over to my side of the counter and took my hand with a mischievous glint in her eye. “Come on, I want to try a new look your coloring is perfect for.”

Leaving no room for argument, she dragged me out of the kitchen.

___

I should have figured there was some kind of ulterior motive, because as soon as I was seated and she’d set up all of the products she wanted me to use, she started in on me.

“So you gunna tell me what has Annie all worked up?”

I tried to look away but she grabbed my chin and pulled me back into the correct position as she started rubbing something onto my skin. 

“I’m just stressed Paige,” I said, knowing she’d never believe it if I tried to say nothing. “Work is rough lately and I don’t know, I just haven’t been in the best mood.”

“Right but she said you cried. Breakdown level cried. Are you still taking your meds? What about therapy?”

I had to mumble to talk without moving my jaw as she painted on something to “sharpen my lines”, whatever that means. “Meds, yes, therapy, no,” I answered briefly to keep my movements to a minimum.

She backed up for a second and eyed her progress at different angles. “Think you maybe should do therapy again?”

I shrugged, earning a small tap on my shoulder in reproach. “It’s situational. I cried once, Paige. I’m not having a crisis.”

“Aren’t you? Look, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want. I’m just… worried, okay? I remember how you got back then and I know how easy it would be to go back there.”

“I’m older now, and stronger. It’s nothing I can’t handle.” Even to my own ears it rang false.

She closed her eyes for a second and sighed— it looked like she was trying to steady herself. “MC. I’m not calling you weak. But I know you. You complain more when you’re healthy, it’s when things are bad that you hide. I know you think of me as a kid. Hell, I act like it sometimes. But I can take it, please.”

I searched her face. My heart broke at the sadness and hurt I saw in it. There was fear there, too. I hadn’t realized that my bad depressive episode had impacted her that badly. I’d thought she was too young to really grasp it at the time, but she was right, I had always seen her as a kid. And she hadn’t been for a while.

Looking up at my beautiful, impulsive, creative sister and finally seeing an adult, I carefully started speaking.

I glossed over some things, especially where Jake was concerned, just saying that the guy I’d been working closely with had been put in danger by the video and he had to stop investigating for a while. I downplayed some of the threats I’d gotten, too, not wanting to scare her too much. 

But I told her about Jessy and her ready acceptance of me. Of how the rest of the group regarded me with suspicion even though they’d brought me in, but she took almost no time to befriend me. I told her about the flirting with Jake, how it started mostly teasing but I got attached. How it seemed like he felt the same but said it wouldn’t work. I attributed it to the distance and the case, but the sting of rejection still rang clear in my voice.

I told her about Hannah, and the things I’d found (luckily she didn’t ask how I’d found them, tech wasn’t her thing either) and how I felt like I was learning things she never wanted anyone to know. How I felt like she was taking over my life but I was too invested to stop now. We went over Dan’s accident, Richy getting marked, Cleo being harassed. By the time I finished, my mouth was dry from talking so much, and she’d stopped working on my face to just stare at me with something akin to horror.

Her concern was palpable, and I couldn’t blame her. Saying everything out loud only made it more clear just how deep I’d gotten myself, and how little sense it made.

“They have… police… in Germany. Right?” She asked haltingly.

“Well, yes,” I acknowledged. “But there doesn’t seem to have been any progress for a while, and her friends are really worried. If I can help, why shouldn’t I?”

She knelt down in front of me, compassion filling her eyes. “MC, I mean this with all of the love in the world. But why should you? There are thousands of missing women in the world right now. Millions, maybe. You can’t save them all. You probably can’t save any of them. It’s wearing you down, and you know it.”

“I’m too far in for that, P. I know how it looks. And I should have left when it started, but I didn’t. It’s too late now.”

She wanted to argue more— we spent our teen years doing little else beyond fighting so I’d probably seen that look on her face more than any other at this point— but something in my tone, or maybe the set of my jaw, made her shoulders sag in resignation. 

She picked her brush back up instead. “Alright, then. Let’s get you finished here and we’ll chat about the guy instead.”

___

It took another hour to finish, though at least some of that was because she had to stop more than once to laugh at me (or him) for just how bad we were at it.

“What the hell happened to you, M? You’ve always been awkward, but this is just a whole new level.”

I shrugged, my eyes closed to keep them safe from the setting spray she was spritzing. “I think I got worse at it as we went, actually.”

She turned me a bit and started twisting my hair into something that almost looked like a braid. She didn’t work with hair professionally, she just hated my constant messy bun. “You know, that makes a lot of sense for you. Originally you didn’t give a fuck. That’s when you’re most charming. Remember Andrew?” 

I felt my face heat up under what seemed like the amount of makeup I normally wore in a year. “I THOUGHT WE WERE KIDDING!” I nearly shouted.

She chuckled at my embarrassment. “I know, and yet you ruined that poor boy. He still asks about you sometimes.”

I’d have buried my face in my hands if she hadn’t tightened her fist into a death grip around my hair when she felt me start to tip my head down. “Don’t you dare!” She scolded, tying off the ends and doing a final once-over to make sure she was pleased. She must have been, because she stood me up and turned me toward the mirror.

I gasped as I looked at myself. True to norm whenever she was able to do what she wanted, no one would ever be able to call the look pretty. But it was breathtaking. She’d somehow managed to make my normally round, chubby features look sharp, harsh. The only overt references to the ice motif she’d planned were two small snowflakes she’d drawn, one over my left eyebrow and one on my jaw, just below where the right side of my lips ended.

The majority of the makeup was various shades of white, including my lashes, but my lips were a metallic silver. I was shocked to see that my eye makeup transitioned between a dark blue into jade, rather than the lighter blue or silver I’d have expected. 

She saw me inspect the eyes and grinned. “I did some research on icebergs. In Antarctica they’ve found green ones. They think it has to do with the amount of iron in the area. It changes the way the ice absorbs different colors of light.”

“So I’m the nerd, but you just… research icebergs for fun?”

She laughed and nudged me with her hip. “Do you like it?”

I nodded. “It’s amazing. I don’t look anything like me, I have no clue how you do it. But didn’t you say my colors were “fall and earthy” or some shit? Why am I perfect for this?”

She smirked. “Mainly because you never leave the house or get sun, so I had to use less of the base on you.”

Smacking her arm lightly, I reached for my phone to take a few pictures. She took it out of my hand and started trying to pose me how she liked it best, adjusting the lighting to get the shadows to cast the way she liked.

Once she was finally pleased with the pictures she got, she sent some to herself for her portfolio and handed me back my phone, which I used to order takeout. We got along much better than we used to, but all it took was one of us becoming hangry to reduce us to squabbling teens again, and I suspected Annie wouldn’t be amused to return to a WWF match.

While we waited for the food, we sat on the couch and I turned on some music. We mainly scrolled on our phones, but it was nice to not be alone.

“It needs a lot of work,” she grumbled, looking at the pictures for the fourth time in the last ten minutes. “It really only works in print right now, since the shading on your jaw and cheekbones isn’t dynamic. If you move, it completely destroys the effect.”

I shrugged. “Most of your models will also have the jaws and cheekbones to make it more convincing. I’ve just got a baby-face. Though at my age I’m pretty sure it’s not baby fat anymore no matter what Mom said…”

“Sure, but the part I like is the transformation.” Her eyes sparkled as she flipped through her picture to show me more examples, many of which I’d seen on her professional account already. She had a modest, but rather faithful following, myself included. I’d long since stopped being her main model, but I did still pop up in some progress posts or the occasional Throwback Thursday. “It’s not just about the end result, it’s about how dramatic the difference is.”

I jumped up at the knock on the door, but couldn’t resist a retort over my shoulder. “You always were all about the drama.”

She snorted. “Am I the one in love with a literal stranger who I maybe know what country he’s in?”

The moment was temporarily broken by the alarmed look on the poor delivery driver’s face. It took me a moment to realize it wasn’t at Paige’s words, but my face. I’d forgotten that I hadn’t washed it off yet. “Sorry,” I mumbled as he quickly retreated with one last glance over his shoulder.

“Guess people don’t usually answer the door in costume when it’s months before Halloween,” she teased.

“You didn’t remind me on purpose!” I accused while I plopped the pizza box on the kitchen counter.

After that, we were mostly quiet for a while as we ate. She occasionally tutted at me when I’d get pizza on my face and come away with makeup on my napkin, but other than making fun of me for eating like a child, she didn’t say much else.

It wasn’t until I was rinsing the dishes that she spoke up. “His name is Jake, then?”

I whirled around and gaped at her. “What?”

She held up her phone, showing a still of Lilly’s video. It wasn’t on YouTube, but I didn’t recognize the site she was on. Someone must have downloaded the video before Jake convinced her to delete it. 

“You said she included your number, and the missing girl’s name was Hannah. Made for a pretty easy search, really.”

“Since when are you a detective?” I grumbled.

“I could ask the same of you, M.”

I guess I couldn’t argue there. But it was disturbing how quickly she found it. I’d thought having it taken down would be a bit more like it hadn’t happened.  Richy had said that the views were up to 4k or so, and as surprising as it was that it got that many that fast, that was still a small number. But things on the internet were sticky, and it only took one person to keep it alive.

“Right, well. Yes. His name is Jake.”

She arched an eyebrow. “And he’s clearly involved in some… stuff. He sounds a bit different here than you made him seem.”

“I mean, I sound pretty different through Lilly’s eyes, too. Look. I wont say he’s nice, or that he’s not weird, or even a little creepy. And yes, some of the things we’ve been doing aren’t the most… legal. But it’s not like it’s the first time that’s been true.”

“MC, this isn’t smoking some pot and running around after curfew. Have you read some of the comments on this?” 

I cringed. “I tried not to after the ones on the original video. But I imagine the ones about him are about as accurate as the ones about me. I apparently run an international prostitution organization, you know.” I tried to say that one casually, since that had been one of the more ridiculous accusations I had thrown at me.

“Right, but several of these are saying he’s wanted. And you told me yourself he’s disappeared because of the video. You said it put him in danger.”

I blanched. His wanted status being publicly discussed probably wasn’t good. And not just because my sister was staring at me like I’d grown an extra head. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye as I decided that I may as well wash the dishes now.

“You knew,” she accused, coming over to the sink. “You knew he was on the run.”

“Only after the video,” I admitted in a tiny voice, not looking up from the sponge in my hands. 

“I thought you were done with this,” she exploded, and I stared at her in shock. “It made sense in high school, okay? Running around with the bad boys in combat boots and Mohawks. But do you remember the shit you got into sometimes? Now you’re involved with a fugitive and you can’t even pretend you don’t know better!”

“We’re not involved!” I yelled back. “I told you he rejected me. Well, this is why. He said it was too dangerous.”

She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “Well at least one of you might not be a total idiot, then.”

I bit the inside of my cheek as I scrubbed circles over the over washed plate. My eyes blurred with tears and I tried to blink them away.

“MC,” she started again, but was interrupted by me bursting into tears without warning. Forgetting her anger, she walked over to me and took me in her arms, muttering soothing words as she led me away from the sink.

___

She was playing with my hair, my head in her lap, when she finally spoke up. “I can pull some strings, if you want. It’d take some convincing, I’d owe a few favors. But I still talk amiably enough to some of my old clients. We could fight fire with fire, post a response video.”

I thought for a minute. It’d feel great to fight back. I hadn’t realized just how angry I was at Lilly until I saw her video again and heard about what people were saying. I hadn’t felt this type of impotent rage since our mom had been diagnosed.

“No,” I said finally, not fully keeping the hesitation out of my voice. “I think at this point that would just make me look more suspicious. Right now, her accusations look ridiculous to anyone with half a brain. She has no proof. She doesn’t even know where I am, exactly. But it would just draw more attention to the first video and probably make things worse for Jake.”

Her eyes narrowed when I brought him up. “He can figure his own shit out. I’m talking about for you.”

“I know, and I love you for it. But I care about him too. I feel bad enough that I told you all this about him, I can’t risk making his life harder.”

She scratched my scalp, then twisted a lock of my hair around her finger. “You didn’t tell me shit, to be fair. She did. Which is part of why I’m worried about it.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

Her laugh was humorless. “Yeah, sure, okay. Look, I won’t pull the trigger yet, but I’m going to reach out to a few people I think might be willing to help. I won’t tell them anything other than I might need a favor. If it gets worse, you need to tell me, and we’ll figure something out. If this gets too bad, you could lose your job. It doesn’t have to be true, just has to make them look bad.”

I didn’t respond, just closing my eyes and enjoying the affection. Despite my rather prickly personality, I had always enjoyed physical contact with the people I was closest to, and that was something I couldn’t get easily from behind a screen.

“I want to meet them,” Paige announced, startling me from my light doze.

“Who?”

“The group. Maybe not Lilly, I’d rather not join you under that bus if I can help it. But the others, at least. I want to have some idea who I can tell the police to talk to if you go missing next.”

I bit my lip. Much like fighting back, it was tempting. My sister was better at people than I was, and it would be nice to get help while Jake was gone. But Jake would also never approve of bringing someone new in. Not to mention, I couldn’t risk her getting the same calls I was or putting her in danger.

That was the part that made me refuse her offer.

“I can’t put you in danger too. Jake thinks it’s one of them and I’m not sure I agree, but it’s hard to totally deny with the timing of things.”

Her fingers stilled. “You’re knowingly talking to a kidnapper, too?”

“Well, not knowingly. I just said we don’t know for sure.”

“But probably!” Her voice had become shrill, I guess she’d finally reached her limit of my bullshit. “This is insane, MC, you’ve gone insane. I get you’re safer because you’re not there, but that’s not safe. It would be expensive for them to get here but not all that hard if they have a passport. And look.”

She typed my name and number in to Google and scrolled to the third result. And there it was. A “people search” website with my address, and a couple of past ones, too. My age, some old phone numbers. Worst of all, under the “related person” section, links to my loved ones: My parents, Paige, even an ex I’d lived with for a while.

“Oh,” I muttered, scrolling through in horror. 

I knew these sites existed. Hell, I’d used them years ago, to find contact people for the funeral. But the idea that a murderer with a vendetta could be using them didn’t really occur to me until now. 

“You can opt out of these things, right?” I started searching the page for anything related to removal, my hands shaking as I did so.

“MC, MC, calm down!” She took her phone from my hands. “You’re fine, it’s fine. We’ll work on that tonight, and you can ask your hacker boyfriend where else to look.”

I scrunched up my face and mumbled “not my boyfriend” as she locked her phone screen and set it aside.

“I can’t stop you from doing this,” she sighed. “And I know you won’t stop. But please, take care of yourself, okay? And don’t push me away.”

I nodded, and she put her arm around my shoulder, then exhaled dramatically. “Shit, is being the mature one always this stressful?”

I laughed, pushing her away from me. “You mean like the time you got high and were convinced Mrs. Ruth’s bushes were fluffy enough that you could jump off the roof into them and be fine?”

She groaned at the memory and then stuck her tongue out at me. “And yet you’ve managed to out-stupid me with this one. Never thought I’d see the day!”

___

True to her word, once I’d calmed down a bit, we sat on my bed with a bottle of wine and spent the entire night purging as much data as we could. I left my social media mostly alone, since I’d stopped over-sharing personal stuff on those ages ago and had deleted a lot of the old stuff. But anything with addresses, or detailed location information had to go.

My employer was a national company, but I disabled my professional profiles, too, figuring I could always reactivate those when I started looking for a job next.

Paige had decided to take the opportunity to scrub her name, too. She would always need to have a larger online presence than I would, since a lot of her gigs were based on word of mouth and networks, but I felt better knowing that she’d be less at risk now that she knew more about the danger.

She hadn’t brought up wanting to meet everyone again, and I still wasn’t totally sold on throwing her into the line fire. But at this point, I felt confident enough that the culprit was a man that I figured she could probably meet Jessy. Cleo, too, since we’d been getting more friendly.

So I made a new group chat. I’d had enough wine by this point that the idea of naming the chat amused me, but had also had enough that coming up with something clever was difficult. So that was how I ended up making a group chat titled “All The Single Ladies” and adding Jessy, Cleo, and Paige.

Jessy is online.

Jessy: ?

MC: Sooooo MC: My sister found Lilly’s video. MC: You can imagine how hoppy she was. MC: *happy MC: She wanted to meet you guys. MC: I decided to only show her the best of the group to start

Jessy: 🤭

Cleo is online.

Cleo: Hello, MC’s sister.

MC: Oh, she has a name. MC: It’s Paige.

Next to me, Paige snorted.

Paige: Hello, MC’s internet friends. Paige: I’m glad to meet at least some of you.

Jessy: Wait 😤 Jessy: Why are we the Single Ladies??

MC: I mean, aren’t we? 🤣

Paige: 🤦‍♀️

MC: I never said I was good at thinking of things.

Paige: I’m sure the wine isn’t helping that. You’ve had, what, 4 glasses?

MC: YOU POUR SO LITTLE IN.

Paige: That’s how you’re supposed to drink wine.

Cleo: Wait, are you two together?

MC: Yep! She came to visit!

Feeling silly, I took a picture of us and sent it to the chat. 

Jessy: Hi Paige! Jessy: I do have to go to work though, so I can’t talk much.

With a jolt, I looked over at my clock and realized it was 1am. Time had flown way faster than I’d thought.

MC: Shit, I have to start work in like 6 hours guys.

Jessy: Ooooh you’re gonna be cranky.

Paige: When isn’t she?

MC: Hey! I’m great. 

Paige:😒

MC: ANYWAY. Go do your days guys, I just wanted to do this before I forgot. ❤️

Cleo: Good night!

After downing my glass of wine, I took a quick shower, leaving my hair unwashed. Paige was the morning-shower sort, but I hated waking up earlier than I absolutely had to, even to get clean. 

While I was brushing my teeth, I couldn’t get away from the thought that my sister was right. If I was going to spend a chunk of time trying to clean up my information, it didn’t make sense not to ask for advice from the resources I had. I hadn’t wanted to worry him since he had problems of his own, but I could just ask, right?

MC: Hey so my sister knows about Lilly’s video. It’s fine. I mean okay not fine, she’s pissed, but she’ll deal. Anyway we spent the night trying to get rid of my address and stuff online. Those people search sites are bullshit. Anyway I thought you might know what else I could do, since I don’t know how much googling “how to hide from the murderer who is mad at you” would get me. No rush. Thanks!

I hit send and immediately regretted it. Not only was it the longest piece of word vomit I’d sent him by far, it made almost no sense. Hopefully his flaw would keep him from noticing whatever the mess of emotions was that had gone into that. Especially as I couldn’t even decipher them, myself.

I had time to lean over and spit before he replied.

Jake: I will take care of it.

MC: Oh no, I know you’re busy and stuff. You just know the internet a tiny bit better than I do so you might have advice.

Jake: MC. I’ll take care of it.

I had no idea why a silly grin spread across my face at that, but it stayed through the rest of my washing up. Even Paige’s suspicious glances as I crawled back into bed couldn’t get me to fully smother it.

___

I was surprisingly coherent the next day. Getting out of bed took longer than usual, but once I was up, I found myself less drained than I would have expected. Even having Paige there helped me focus on my work a bit better. At least, she could keep me updated on the Single Ladies chat enough that I wouldn’t feel the need to constantly check my phone.

I had the most productive morning I’d had in a long time, working to the soundtrack of my sister’s sarcasm and laughter. She told me stories of her life, ranted about something she found online, and occasionally pestered me just to remind me she was the little sister. Any time I wasn’t actively listening to a call, she filled the silence and it wasn’t nearly as annoying as I normally would have found it.

An hour or so before lunch, she made an excited noise in the back of her throat and turned to smile at me. “Those sites work fast!” She announced. “They already took down your profiles, I can’t find a single one!”

I bit back a smirk and acted surprised as she showed me the missing search results. Hers, too, were gone, and I felt a flood of gratitude at the effort he must have put in, even above what I’d asked.

When she looked away, I typed a quick “thank you”, knowing he’d understand.

___

The rest of the week dragged on a bit more. She mostly worked for herself at this point, so she made her own schedule, but she couldn’t totally vanish or risk missing future jobs. So the more convinced she became that I wasn’t on the verge of a breakdown, the more time she spent on her laptop or taking calls, and in the evening I often ended up covered in makeup again to keep her profiles active. 

Unlike Annie, she knew better than to try to force me to go out of the house, but she tried to keep me busy regardless. We cooked, despite neither of us enjoying or being any good at it. We watched movies and played games. The truth is, I hadn’t thought about just how much I’d missed her. We’d had a rocky relationship as kids— we were very different people in ways that had seemed so important when we were younger, and the stress of our chaotic adolescence and there never being enough money to afford enough space for us both had added a lot of tension to our interactions.

But she really had grown up, and even though I was still prickly and unpleasant and she was still a lot more outgoing and loud than I was, we’d learned to read each other better in the intervening years enough that we could have fun.

“Alright you guys, so tell me about this hacker,” she demanded loudly to Jessy and Cleo, whose faces appeared on my tablet, as she blended something on my forehead.

I jumped a little, she hadn’t actually mentioned him in days and I’d been hoping, foolishly, that she’d forgotten. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Cleo screw up her face while Jessy giggled at mine. 

“Why would we talk about him?” Cleo asked, bewildered. Right. I guess it had just been Jessy that I’d had that humiliating conversation with.

Paige laughed, pinning her hair back on top of her head to keep it from sliding in her face as she bent over me. “If my sister’s going to be pining after him, I want to get some opinions first.”

“What?!” Cleo shouted, her eyes almost comically wide at the idea.

“Thanks Paige,” I groaned, biting the inside of my cheek to fight the overwhelming urge to hide my face in my hands. Louder, I spoke to the whole group. “I’m not chasing after him. I expressed an interest, he said no, I accepted it. Now we’re just friends, if you can even call it that. We talk about Hannah.”

I could have continued rambling, but Paige chose that moment to take my chin in her hands and hold my face steady enough to work on.

“Accepted it my ass,” she teased, taking advantage of my inability to fight back.

Meanwhile, Cleo’s befuddlement continued. “Wait, he rejected you? The Hacker? The one who took over the group chat just to keep you in it? He said he didn't like you?”

I pulled my jaw from Paige’s grip for a second to reply to that. “You guys read way too much into that vote thing, he’s just put a lot of effort into the investigation and didn’t want to risk having to do it alone if none of you would talk to me anymore. And it wasn’t like he said ew cooties gross. He just made it clear it wasn’t happening.”

Jessy chimed in there, “I’m still pretty sure he’s 60 or something and that’s why. He sure talks like it.”

I rolled my eyes at her, but didn’t bother interrupting or annoying Paige to reply to that one.

“Has he ever even said how he knows Hannah? MC, he had to tell you, right?”

I made a loud noise that I hope sounded enough like “no” to be understood. Luckily, they seemed to get it.

Jessy gasped. “Wait what were the initials on the bracelet? J.H., right? That’s why you asked me? Didn’t Lilly say his name was Jake? MC, what’s his last name?”

Another noise, this time to the tune of “I don’t know”. Then I looked at Paige. “Are we almost done?” 

I guess understanding that particular unintelligible murmur was a necessary skill in her trade, because she nodded and started putting away most of the bottles and powders in front of her. “Almost.”

I sighed, and turned back to the video call to take advantage of my temporary freedom. “I don’t know his last name, but honestly, I’m not sure I think he’s much of the wooing-with-jewelry sort.”

Paige nudged me over to face her again. “Good thing you hate jewelry then, huh?” She blotted and spritzed my face with a bit more of a flourish than she’d used in our past sessions, then looked me over with a grin.

I started to stand up to look, but Paige shook her head. “Nu uh, pictures first!”

I eyed her suspiciously— that had never been the process before. Still, I obediently smiled the way she told me and glared at her as she looked over the pictures with a critical expression.

“One of you two should make sure this Hacker guy gets that, see if he regrets saying no!” She exclaimed with a mischievous glance in my direction.

“What??” I squeaked, grabbing my phone to see what she sent.

If I weren’t so annoyed about her underhanded tactics, I’d have been more impressed by what she’d managed to achieve with my face. We’d taken long enough that I’d expected to be a unicorn or something like that. Instead, it actually barely looked like I was wearing anything at all, at least if you didn’t know how I usually looked. My skin tone was unchanged, just smoothed out and brightened the tiniest bit. The lipstick was subtle, but plumping. The most dramatic part was my eyes, but even that mainly just made them pop and look more vibrant than normal.

I wasn’t beautiful, but it was a hell of a lot closer than I usually was.

Jessy’s excited squeal confirmed it for me. “MC, you look so good! But Paige, we don’t have his number or anything. He always just contacts us.”

“That’s right!” I said, relieved. “I’m probably the only one who can message him directly, and no way in hell am I sending him a random picture of myself in full makeup just to sit around my house. I will never be that desperate.” I hoped. But I kept that unsaid.

Cleo chimed in, amused. “You’re assuming he hasn’t already seen it. What was it he said? Be aware that all of your digital activities are monitored and recorded by me.”

Sure enough, he was online. Then again, if he were reading, or even worse, listening, this was the kind of thing he’d definitely have logged off to avoid already.

“He doesn’t bother with personal stuff. There’s no way he’s spending his time reading a chat called All the Single Ladies, okay? He doesn’t care that much about us gossiping.”

Paige stared at me for a long moment as if assessing more than my makeup, and then sighed loudly. “We really need to work on your daddy issues, you know that, right?”

“PAIGE!” I shouted and started hitting her with a folded towel, brandishing it like I would a pillow at a sleepover. She just cackled as she put her hands up to protect her face.

I never did tell her that I took a handful more pictures before washing my face. I couldn’t let her win like that.

___

Paige left the next morning, and Annie was still gone, having tried to make herself scarce during the visit to give us time. I took the day off work to let us hang out before she went, but ultimately found myself unnerved by how quiet the apartment seemed now that she was gone.

I turned on music and cranked it up as loud as I felt comfortable with considering the neighbors, and danced around as I cleaned up the evidence of our irresponsibility over the last week. It was amazing how much of a mess we could make.

When Cleo texted me directly, rather than the group chat, my heart sank. I’d asked her and Jessy both to try to keep Paige out of the scarier parts of the investigation, and while she’d been nosy enough to pull some information out of the group, they’d mostly obliged and kept All the Single Ladies light and teasing, mainly at my expense.

So if she didn’t include anyone else, I knew it wasn’t good. She told me about the ransom-style letter her mother had gotten, and my initial reaction was to roll my eyes. Sometimes it felt like I was dealing with a child imitating a criminal. 

Then she sent the pictures that were included.

Those pictures made my heart drop. Paige’s visit had done a lot to make me feel safe and normal, but now  the truth came screaming back to me. Neither was true. There was still a kidnapper, still a missing girl, still a dead body.

This was the second time he’d gone for Cleo.

Of course her mom couldn’t just ignore them. The culprit has played dirty here, and hit on the right button. No mother would be willing to risk their child like that. My own would have locked me in the basement if she’d found out about a single one of those calls, let alone received pictures. 

Cleo herself seemed more worried for her mother than herself, which I could understand. Wasn’t I more worried for Hannah’s friends, and even Paige, than myself? 

While telling the group about the canceled search, I was nearly knocked off my feet by the fact that it was Dan who came to the conclusion that Hannah was in the forest. I’d been underestimating him for a while, it seemed. It wasn’t a hard conclusion to make, necessarily, but I hadn’t even realized he was paying enough attention to see the forest thread. Maybe I’d need to start involving him in things a bit more often. 

I put a pin in that to examine later. While he was exonerated from the more recent happenings, he was probably the most physically capable of an abduction of the group. Or had been before he flipped his car, at least. Now he probably couldn’t pee without multiple people knowing, let alone hurt anyone. That made it a bit easier to trust him.

While texting with Jessy, a roller coaster complete with hearing her wish we’d met in another way, then accuse Jake, then get mad at me for keeping his secrets, I found myself retreating back into that numb detachment from before Paige’s visit. 

It was an addicting place, I knew from experience. The emotional equivalent of a blanket fort, where the monsters couldn’t get you. Oh, I’d been in therapy long enough to know it for what it was— my brain’s reaction to extreme stress, a protective cocoon to keep me safe from the inevitable breakdown I was flying towards. I’d been given tools to recognize and stop it years ago, after hearing enough times about the dangers of disconnecting like this for long.

As an adult, I’d stopped letting myself risk staying there for any real length of time. Maybe for an hour, enough to get through a difficult confrontation, or hold myself together until I could get somewhere that it was safe to cry. I knew this place was what had some people scrambling to stay high or drunk. Blessed nothing was a godsend to those who felt too much, and it took a will stronger than mine to let it go once it started.

And today I  couldn’t bring myself to walk away from it. I tucked the vulnerable parts of myself into bed— the parts that cared, and felt, and hoped— and gave it a small kiss on the forehead. A promise that the rest of me— logical, rational, and disinterested— would take over and keep away the demons.

I could remember where this had led in the past, but with a small, exhausted yawn, the side of me that cared fell asleep and the rest trudged forward.

Luckily, after Jessy had left me with that final plea to keep myself safe from Jake (done, I told myself. Just not how she meant), no one needed anything else from me for the day. As day bled into evening and I felt confident that everyone I knew on the other side of the world had gone to bed, I straightened up my room to clear the mess that my focus on the case— and just general irresponsibility— had left in its wake. 

After that was done, I sat at my desk and logged in to work. Office hours were long since over, but I wasn’t tired yet and if I put in some time today, I’d be able to reclaim some of the PTO I’d wasted recently on self-pity and sadness. 

I got a lot done compared to usual, without my phone or drifting thoughts I was moving through my tasks faster than I had in ages, almost completely clearing the backlog I’d accumulated over the last several weeks.

I forgot how much energy giving a fuck took, I thought dryly, snorting out loud despite being alone.

The notification lighting up my phone was almost masked by the flicker of my monitors as I powered everything down.

Joe: Hey Joe: been a while, how’s it been?

It had been a while, long enough that the unexpected text almost jolted me out of my safe place. I closed the imaginary door just in time and recovered quickly.

MC: It really has. Work has kept me busy, and my sister was in town this last week and just left today.

Joe: Annie said that this weekend. Are you free tomorrow? Joe: dinner, maybe?

I considered his offer silently, tapping the fingers of my right hand on my desk as I stared at my screen. Truthfully, I had reasons enough to both say yes and no. On one hand, he was nice enough. We hadn’t spent a whole lot of time talking overall, but enough that I had some kind of picture of him. At least I could picture him, I mused. We didn’t have much in common that I’d found so far, but we’d mainly discussed unimportant, surface things. 

On the other, life was currently complicated enough, and adding someone new would just make it worse. But it also might be nice to add someone whose motives I didn’t have to question beyond knowing he wanted to get his dick wet.

Before I could reply and say yes, he sensed my hesitation and continued.

Joe: Annie said you’ve been hung up on some guy. I’m not gunna try to get between that if there’s something. Or if you just don’t want to. Joe: just seemed like you were maybe into it at one point so I should ask 

I was really going to have to talk to Annie about what she was discussing with people behind my back. But still…

MC: No, um, I thought there was but he made it clear that there wasn’t. MC: I’m still dealing with it a little, though

Joe: totally get it we’ve all been there. Joe: not pressuring you or anything. Just think you’re cute and want to see you again. No expectations  Joe: take your time and let me know

He was right. We had all been there. Maybe the circumstances surrounding Jake and I had been somewhat unique, but “girl likes boy, boy can’t/doesn’t want/won’t do anything about it” happened all the time.

Sitting around, sad and pining, didn’t help anyone and just made it that much harder for us to focus on the investigation. The best thing I could do at this point was to do something to clear my mind and make it easier to move on.

MC: You know what? Dinner sounds nice. How’s 7?

___

The work I’d done the night before made my day surprisingly easy, especially for a Friday. By lunch, my queue was clean, I’d organized my inbox, and stared at my screen for a while. 

I’d spent so long glued to my phone that my hand strayed over toward it several times while I looked for things to do. I wasn’t avoiding it, exactly, but trying to take the opportunity to just be uninvolved with Duskwood for a bit. It had been quiet since the letter, other than Dan sending memes to everyone and the smaller chat with the Ladies, and I’d avoided engaging with either so far today.

Maybe part of me felt guilty about that, or didn’t know what to do without corpses and mystery hanging over my head, but either way I ended up turning off my music and swapping over to one of my true crime podcasts. I’d been staying away from them ever since my life became one, but I really had always enjoyed them. Getting back to them might make me feel more normal again.

I gave up on pretending to be productive for a while and wandered to my room, getting a head start on deciding what to wear. I had no idea where we were going other than “dinner”. Depending on how much Annie had told him about me already (other than apparently everything), it was possible he knew enough already to avoid taking me anywhere fancy. It wasn’t a “not like other girls” thing so much as generally not being at home in more formal environments and never wanting to go on a date somewhere that I couldn’t comfortably pay my way. The takeout and booze increase over the last week had made that wiggle room a bit smaller, though I would be able to put it on credit if I had to.

My first thought was to message Jessy the way she had done before her date-that-wasn’t, but while I knew Jake was far too busy to read my personal chats right now, I couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t go back through the ones from the Duskwood group to see if anything relevant had happened. 

So instead, I went with Paige, knowing she’d get a kick out of my cluelessness at least.

MC: PAAAAIGEEE HELPPP MC: I have a date MC: A real one with a man I can see

She replied surprisingly quickly, and I realized she was probably still a bit worried and relieved to hear from me.

Paige: That’s great!

MC: Except not, work from home means I have nothing to wear

Paige: Where are you guys going?

MC: Food.

Paige: What kind of food?

MC: …

Paige: Why are you so bad at this? Paige: Do you have a little black dress?

MC: Not that fits my ever-expanding ass, it’s from before shutdown.

Paige: I doubt it’d be the ass that’s the issue. Your boobs might be a bit more of a challenge if they decide to pop out.

MC: 🙄  MC: Not helpful

Paige: Fine, dark jeans?

MC: Yes!

Paige: Heels?

MC: Please.

Paige: Flats?

MC: Better.

Paige: What color?

I sent her a picture and she walked me through picking a shirt to match. The sun had started setting later and later and I tended to be warm so we picked a dark green top with loose sleeves and an empire waist that I’d gotten a few months ago for the rare days in the office. However, Paige tried to talk me out of wearing the silk cami I usually wore under it to make the rather low V neckline more work-friendly.

MC: I thought we were trying to avoid my boobs escaping? 

Paige: Sure, but your cleavage looks great in that kind of neckline with the right bra.

MC: Why are you checking out my cleavage? 

Paige: Easy, Lannister, I promise it was totally innocent. I helped you get ready for that wedding last year and they were in my face enough that I’d have to be blind.

MC: Not my fault you’re short.

She wasn’t that much shorter than me, but I’d been wearing borrowed heels at the time to pretend I wasn’t just over 5 feet, and she was a couple inches smaller than me to begin with.

Paige: Not my fault you’re stacked.

MC: it’s one of the few perks of being fat. MC: Can we stop talking about my tits? 

Paige: How are you so vulgar with everyone else and such a prude with me?

MC: You're my sister. And 12.

Paige: Only in your head 🙄

MC: Oh shit, makeup.

Paige: You’re fine, your skin was clear so just do some eyeliner and mascara, maybe some gloss. He might as well see what you’re normally like. No dark lipstick, you don’t know what you’ll order and you eat like a heathen.

MC: Last time he saw me I was super done up, I’d let Annie take control.

Paige: Wait is this not a first date?

Right. Guess I’d forgotten to mention my night out while she was here. Just have gotten lost in all of the kidnapping and fugitive talk. Weird how that worked.

MC: Last time we didn’t exactly plan to meet up, I went out with Annie and we went out after.

Paige: How dare you not tell me??? But that means he saw you without makeup in the morning right?

MC: Not exactly? 

Paige: WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS?

MC: Stop being so supportive, my ego might explode. 

Paige: ❤️ Paige: But this makes it easier I think. Sure he only saw you done up, but he’s also seen you naked. If he stuck around, he wants to at least do that again.

I wanted to argue with that, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. It wasn’t that I fully believed her, but I also couldn’t pretend he hadn’t gone out of his way to get my number, seemingly asked about me, and spent weeks being patient. That was a lot of effort just to now run because I suck at doing makeup.

MC: I guess.

Paige: If you look that bad, doggy style is a thing.

MC: Nope, not discussing this with you. I’ll send a picture before I go and you will not mention a single sex position, private body part or innuendo for the rest of the day.

Paige: Spoil sport. 😘

Since picking an outfit took much longer than expected, or was reasonable, I decided to hop in the shower early and do some extra conditioning. The humidity lately made it take even longer to tame my curls than usual, and I’d rather it not stand straight up with frizz.

I was surprised to find I wasn’t nervous. Maybe a bit flustered, but that may have been more from Paige than worries about Joe. I was still fragile from Jake’s rejection— that I was going on this date at all was evidence of that. I could only assume it was a symptom of the continuing detachment that I able to keep myself cool-headed.

I used as much product as I normally would in a month (admittedly, that was still less than Annie had the last time I went out) getting my curls to lay more or less the way I wanted. They still expanded and frizzed a bit as they dried, but I was at least okay with the end result. 

The makeup was a bit harder, but I tried to take my time with it. I was still a bit ahead of schedule since I’d logged off so early, so I even plucked my eyebrows a little. I was probably just burning time at this point, but it couldn’t hurt, right? 

It was six by the time I was fully dressed and had tracked down a purse that wasn’t cat-themed or large enough to double as a grocery bag, and when I checked my phone I was surprised to see that Joe had offered to pick me up at 6:30. On one hand, I hate feeling trapped if I have a bad time, but on the other I also hated driving and Uber existed. So I agreed and sat down to wait.

It was 6:25 when the message I’d been half hoping for, half dreading finally came.

Jake: Hello, MC.

___

Almost immediately, the sweet sense of detachment I’d maintained started wavering. I had to lock my phone and take a few gulps of air before my pounding heart began to slow.

I had plans, which would be here in just a minute. I didn’t have time to talk to him right now, and it wouldn’t be fair to Joe or Jake if I gave either of them half of my attention. I hadn’t opened the message yet, just saw the notification. It wouldn’t show as online until I opened the app, so I could swipe it away and reply later.

This was the logical way to do things. Jake had made his decision clear. I had to respect that, and it freed me up to date anyone I wanted. Joe knew I was interested in someone else. There was no moral ambiguity here, I wasn’t doing wrong by either of them. Ignoring Jake’s message was normal, he’d been too busy to reply to mine several times. It happened. 

Still, I made sure not to open the app when Joe messaged to tell me he was out front. Instead, I stood up, put my phone in my purse, and went out to meet him.

___

I was relieved when we pulled up to a pub that looked just on the nicer end of average. He, too, was dressed in what could be considered business casual, with well-fitted jeans and a button-down in a teal color that looked good on him. 

On our way to the table, I took my first sober look at him from the corner of my eye. He was probably closer to Annie’s age than mine, but not enough of a gap to make me feel uncomfortable and predatory. He was tall, though after a certain point I stopped being any good at guessing heights since it was just “taller than me”. At least, he’d definitely had to stoop more than I’d realized when we’d kissed on our way to his house last time we'd met.

Once we sat at our booth and were promised a visit from the server shortly, he flashed me a grin that almost didn’t reveal the nerves I’d noticed in the subtle tapping he’d done against the steering wheel as he drove us here. When I returned the smile, he relaxed a bit more.

We chatted lightly while we looked over the menu, pausing only to put in our orders. He told me about work, and I gave a highly edited version of Paige’s visit. He laughed as I showed him some of the pictures she’d taken, lingering a beat longer on the picture she’d taken to send to the chat with Cleo and Jessy. 

Neither of us ordered alcohol, since he was driving and I’d had more than enough alcohol for a while. We split our meals— I’d been torn between two and he said they both sounded good and ordered the one I didn’t— and while the table was quieter than it had been before we got our food, we kept a steady conversation going. Paige was right, I realized now that I looked at it more objectively. I was way better at flirting when I wasn’t invested.

The food was good, and we both cleared our plates and then lingered a bit longer. I ordered another iced tea to keep my hands busy, and he fiddled a bit with his napkin but rarely took his eyes from me.

The drive home was less tense than the one there, with a lot less nervous fidgeting on his part. Things got more flirty as we went, and I even giggled a couple of times, which shocked me.

We pulled up to my house, and I tried not to panic when he turned off the car. I hadn’t thought far ahead enough to decide if I was inviting him in or not. It had certainly gone well enough to, it was the best date I’d had in a long while. But it was hard to forget how I’d gotten just seeing Jake’s name on my phone earlier.

He didn’t get out, though, just turning in his seat to face me with an earnest look. “I have a confession. I know our first time didn’t show it, but I’m not like that. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Annie’s boyfriend is a friend from college. I got out of a relationship right before we met and all of my friends were our friends. Steve took pity on me when he heard and started bringing me out more. I’ve heard you aren’t a partier, Annie’s ranted about her hermit nerd roommate before.” Here he flashed me a shy, apologetic smile. “I don’t hate that scene or anything, but this has been really nice. You’re really nice. And you look great tonight. I don’t think I said that yet, sorry.”

His honesty threw me off balance. After spending so long pulling teeth for any degree of connection, I barely remembered how to handle a guy putting so many words together at once, let alone being so open. It took me a bit to find my footing.

“Joe, I…” I searched for the right words for a moment, then pushed forward. “I’m not sure where I’m at right now, to tell you the truth. The other guy, well, it’s weird with him still. We’re still working together on a project for a while longer, and I don’t know how long it’ll be, and every time I talk to him it just makes it complicated...”

I hesitated and sighed loudly, then reached my hand over for him to grab if he’d like. He took it, eyes searching mine for a moment. He seemed to sense I wasn’t done, and waited, his thumb brushing over my knuckles.

“I had a good time, too. You’re right, I don’t do clubs or parties or anything like that. I mean, I did when I was younger, I definitely had a wild phase, but I kind of grew out of it. I haven’t gone home with a guy I just met in years. But I’m just not in the place to start something right now, you know?” I laughed without much humor and let my head fall to the headrest behind me. “If you didn’t seem like such a good guy, I think I’d really like letting you distract me for a while, but that’s not fair.”

He chuckled a little, his smile turning a bit wry. “You’re right, I’m not great at not getting attached. Though I’m a bit tempted to try right now.” I saw his eyes flicker down to my neckline for a quick second before he pulled them back to my face, blushing. It was strangely charming, and I leaned forward slowly to kiss him on the cheek, being sure to give him time to pull away or turn in if he preferred either option.

He didn’t move right away, but after my lips left his cheek, he chased after to capture them in a kiss. It was searing, and I felt my stomach flutter as I put the hand he wasn’t currently holding behind his head. 

When we finally broke apart, his eyes were half-lidded and I was sure mine looked the same. My thumb caressed his cheek gently as we watched each other silently.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” he whispered, voice a bit rough. Then his brain seemed to catch up and he looked away shyly. “Not to come in, I just think it’s proper after a good date.”

I gave him a reassuring smile. “I’d like that.”

The walk was quiet, and our hands brushed against each other but neither of us moved to link them. Still, at my door, I lingered a second, deliberately turning towards him as I opened my purse for my keys.

Before I found them, he’d pulled me toward him again and I kissed him back, tangling my fingers in his hair with a groan. Standing, our heights made it harder to navigate, at least until I was nudged back a step until my back met the door. He didn’t lift me, but the support from being sandwiched between them made standing up on my toes easier, and he seemed happy enough to lean down the rest of the way to meet my lips.

Eventually, I needed to come up for air and I gently pushed his shoulders to end the kiss. Breathing heavily, I rested my head on his chest for a second and then groaned. “Go, before I change my mind on that distraction thing.”

He chucked, stepped back, and pecked my lips gently when I looked up again. “Probably a good idea,” he said in a voice that told me it wouldn’t have been hard to convince him to stay. But we both knew it was wrong.

When he was halfway down the walkway, I called out, “hey, let me know you got home okay, alright? Drive safe,” and quickly opened my door to slip in before he could reply.

I was ridiculously glad to find Annie still out, and I took another quick shower to wash off the makeup, keeping my hair out of the spray. More than a small part of me regretted letting him leave. Even if Jake changed his mind, we were still half a world apart and he was on the run from the government. He’d never be able to come here, and while I technically could get there, it’d be impossible to do it often enough to really have a relationship without raising suspicions and getting stupidly expensive. Joe was here, interested, and a really good kisser. 

My sister said it best— I’m really bad at this.

Once I turned off the water and toweled off, I walked to my room without bothering to get dressed since I was alone. I sent Paige a text telling her that I was home, in my own bed, alone, and promised her details later. I didn’t let myself check to see if Jake was online.

Instead, I opened the message from Joe that I’d gotten while I was in the shower.

Joe: made it home Joe: and I meant what I said by the way, I had a great time. Joe: I hope he realizes what he’s missing out on soon, for his own sake. Joe: goodnight.

I pulled the flat sheet up to my chin, and drifted off slowly.

___

The next morning, I knew I couldn’t put Jake off any longer. I’d enjoyed my night, a lot, but I knew he didn’t get many chances to be in contact at the moment, and we still needed to focus on Hannah. Plus, as much as I didn’t want to, I missed him.

Biting my lip, I gathered my courage and replied. The discussion about what we’d discovered in our time apart went well, straightforward enough, and I was glad I’d waited till morning since we jumped on the phone records right away and calling people at midnight—or worse— wasn’t the quickest way to endear yourself to them.

I needn't have worried on that front, though, since no one probably lived at the garage to be woken up. Still, it would have raised some eyebrows the next morning, even if the people who saw the call were well-used to my bullshit by now.

I hadn’t meant to admit I missed him. I knew I shouldn’t say it even as I sent the message. It was dumb, and just opened up old wounds when he said the same back before logging off without giving me a chance to say anything more, as usual.

Confronting Thomas about having called Hannah the day she went missing went in a direction I hadn’t expected. It made sense that being the main suspect in his own partner’s disappearance would wear him down, but with how little he’d shown, I hadn’t considered it.

Blaming me for our lack of contact was frustrating, though, considering he’d just voted to kick me out. Of course I wasn’t buddying up to him after that. The fact that I was speaking to him at all was a small miracle, guy didn’t realize just how good I was at holding a grudge.

Once the floodgates were open, though, it seemed like he just couldn’t stop them. The way he described Hannah was so different from anything they’d said earlier, much more in line with the woman I’d investigated than the one I’d been introduced to by the group.

I hurt for Thomas, but it was yet another time I felt connected to Hannah. Secrets, hiding, shutting down around someone you love. Wasn’t that exactly what I was doing now? Had done whenever my demons crept back up and the emptiness lurked at the edges of my thoughts. 

Whatever it was that had happened, whatever triggered this, it seemed like she was losing the fight with it. I hoped again, for Jessy and Jake’s sake, that we found her soon. If she hadn’t done this to herself, that meant she was out there alone, unmedicated, trapped in her own mind. That was a special kind of hell, I knew.

The bracelet was pretty, I’d always loved emeralds. I was surprised Thomas told me about it with so little prompting, and sent the picture as confirmation. Maybe he was just done. It sounded like he’d been exhausted even before she went missing, so maybe he was just relieved to tell someone.

Even though I had no reason to suspect Jessy had anything to do with it, I mentioned that her initials matched. I couldn’t admit to myself that I was avoiding exactly what Thomas followed up with— pointing out Jake’s name. He didn’t make the same connection I’d been continuing to purposefully ignore— that the H could mean Hannah— but it still hung in the air somehow. 

I let myself be distracted from that fear that for a moment by listening to how different Hannah sounded the day of her kidnapping. If Jake hadn’t seen the abduction, that would have actually made me more nervous. People tended to relax once they’d decided to give in to depression, the same way I felt so much better when I let myself close off. 

I promised to try to find out if Jake was Hannah’s lover regardless of the churning in my stomach the idea caused. After last night, I had no right to even care, but I couldn’t help it. There was no way I’d ever give Thomas his last name, but if it could get us both the truth, I knew I needed to bring myself to ask.

I didn’t know for sure if I was happy or not that Jake wasn’t online, but pushed myself to message him anyway. He needed to at least know what I’d learned. 

I’d never let myself send him that many messages in a row before, and I got more desperate with each one. I hated how pathetic I knew I was coming off by the time I said that I hoped it wasn’t him, so I was the tiniest bit relieved that he stayed offline through my barrage.

___

The security footage I found in the cloud next felt like a nightmare to me, again striking me in that deep place of fear that was aware of just how vulnerable being a woman could be at times. The idea of having something, or someone, coming so close to you in the dead of night made me shiver and wrap my arms around myself. I sent it, as always, but almost cried with relief when Jessy quickly provided a distraction from my dark thoughts.

Her tour idea touched me more than she could know, more than I ever would have expected. The fact that she also seemed angry at Lilly only soothed me, and for the first time in a while I felt my hold on my cold mask loosen considerably. 

That sense of affection grew as she sent pictures showing off the town that I knew she wanted to leave, but at the same time seemed to want me to love. And I did feel a pull to it, despite seeing nothing but quick stills of buildings and fountains. I couldn’t picture myself there, but it was so central to my life lately that I couldn’t help but feel connected. I imagined that even if they all stopped talking to me after we found Hannah, I’d want to visit. Maybe I’d bring Paige, we could stay at the motel. Maybe Jake would leave the map on my phone before he, too, left once my usefulness had ended.

Even the man who picked then to harass me didn’t dampen my urge to see it, though it did remind me that Lilly taking down the video hadn’t kept it from continuing to spread, which left my mind a moment to drift to Jake.

But it didn’t last long, and when Jessy showed me the lake, I swore to myself that one day I’d picnic there. Even if it was alone, one day I’d dip my toes into the water and close my eyes with my face to the sun. I wanted to feel the good in this place that had been haunting my nightmares. I wanted to face it and prove I was stronger than the legends it held.

Her story about her mom broke my heart, and I was tempted to tell her about mine but clamped down on the urge. Once I opened that door, there was no way I’d be able to pull back into the peace I was determined to return to shortly. So instead I asked about her brother, and when that only worked for bit and she asked for news, I forced myself to open that can of worms again and show her the bracelet.

I wasn’t expecting her to recognize it, and even less to find out it had been in a pawn shop. Would a lover have gotten a bracelet from there, in such a small town where it would almost certainly be recognized by whoever had pawned it? 

Maybe it was from someone she’d used date and she’d pawned it before, but gotten sentimental. Thomas had never seen it before because it’d been hidden, then pawned, but he’d seen it before she was able to hide it again.

But even without knowing enough about it to know the whole story, it made me feel lighter to know that it was unlikely that it was from Jake, at least in the recent past. I could handle them being exes, even though I couldn’t honestly say that I would put so much effort into keeping one of my exes safe. Especially not considering what it was costing him.

Before I could go any further with that thought, Phil messaged Jessy to say that Thomas and Cleo had joined forces in their mission to break into every building in Duskwood, and I raked my hand over my face.

Stop. Being. Stupid. Please. Hannah, help me.

The fact that Phil even gave them a chance before calling the cops didn’t really match up with anything I’d heard from him. I don’t know for sure I’d have waited, but I guess they were his sister’s friends so that could make things a bit different, I supposed. Still, between the discoveries showing Hannah wasn’t the person I’d been told about, and now this, I wondered if maybe Phil was really the bad guy I’d thought.

Maybe I’d need to see if Jake could get ahold of his number soon and get his thoughts on this all.

Jessy requested a call, and I felt a wave of guilt about her being out this late because of me. Here she was trying to cheer me up, when it was her friend missing and her town hiding secrets. I was safely tucked a world away, pitying myself because my crush was unrequited. Man, sometimes I was the worst.

I chatted with her on her walk, happy to help her feel safe. At least until I caught sight of someone walking behind Jessy in the dark, dodging to avoid being seen. I called out a warning, but it was too late. I could only scream as I watched her fall to the attack. The mask man turned the camera to let me see him, and I spit out curses, telling him to come find me instead. Red flooded my vision as he propped the camera up in a way that made it clear I was supposed to watch her suffer. I sobbed loudly as I begged her to get back up. Even when she did, ending the call, I couldn’t stop the tears. NEXT

#duskwood mc #duskwood fanfic #duskwood fanfiction #duskwood #duskwood fandom #duskwood episode 10 #duskwood everbyte #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood jake #jake x mc

[ocean-in-my-rebel-soul]

happy friday!! how about "Violet bruised eyes" from the sensory prompts for Rhiona?

Thank you, lovely! Here's some Cousland/Loghain for you!

Rating: Gen

@dadrunkwriting

-:- -:- -:-

He's so different now.

Rhiona watches Loghain from across the dwindling light of their small fire, night long since fallen. Dressed in his armor, he's carving something from a stick found on the edge of camp. Flakes of wood fall with each stroke of the knife held in his large, steady hands.

He wears more frown lines now. He looks older than he is. His eyes, violet-bruised and dark in his weathered face, carry pain not unfamiliar to Rhiona. Loghain's shoulders, so proud and strong before, bear a weight too big for his frame. It makes the conflicted feelings inside her war against each other--not that she expected them to do anything else.

He doesn't look up when he says, "You're staring, Rhiona."

"So I am," she admits reluctantly.

Rhiona smooths her hands on her trouser-clad thighs. Her cuirass lays loosened upon her body, the unbuckling a slight measure of comfort from the long day of foraging for dinner to save rations. They didn't go out together--Rhiona and Alistair had agreed early on that one warden should stay in camp with the other going with the foragers to hunt and gather, all for safety's sake. There was warm pride in Loghain's eyes when she made it clear that was the deal when he'd come with them--but leaving him at camp had almost driven her to distraction anyway, having to force herself not to leave her attention behind her.

Loghain huffs and puts his whittling down. "What do you see?" he asks quietly. His blue-grey gaze lights on her face with a physical weight to it, curious and heavy.

So many things run through her mind. He's an attractive man, even into his fifties as he is. There's the obvious: his hands, strong and graceful as they'd held her the night they spent together at Ostagar; his mouth, which had been so plush against Rhiona's own; his back, where her nails had raked furrows in the deep hours of the night.

There's the less obvious. The way his mouth shapes her name. The strength in his limbs and spine. The wounded respect she can see in his eyes when he looks at her.

"I see my husband, but for the start of the war." Her voice doesn't shake, for which she's grateful.

Loghain sucks in a surprised breath. "We aren't those people anymore--you know as well as I do."

"I know," Rhiona sighs. She looks into the fire quietly. It crackles and breaks logs like bones, sucking out the marrow.

Five or so minutes into her reflection, she speaks again. "I think I miss it, to be honest."

"Rhiona."

It falls from his lips, a punched out, wounded little noise. Loghain sets his craft aside. Hands on his knees, he looks at her with an expression of pure hurt, so alien on his face. "You can't just--we can't--"

"You think I don't know that?" she asks incredulously. "That I'm so foolish?" Rhiona shook her head, her braided hair thumping her shoulders. "I still have dreams about our wedding, Loghain. I still have dreams of you. Even now, with you in my camp, with you just a few strides away. Do you really think I don't know that things are different? Just look at us."

She begins ticking off her fingers. "We can barely spend time together, let alone actually be alone with each other. You hardly look at me anymore. You only talk to me for business, not for pleasure, and I can't bring myself to try, either."

He drops his gaze, scrubbing a hand down his face. "I don't think that," he says quietly. Loghain rises to his feet with a cat's ease and grace. He skirts around the fire to her side and reaches out for her hand. "I don't think that at all, Ree."

Heart fluttering painfully in her chest, Rhiona looks from his face to his outstretched hand and back before taking it. She lets him help her to her feet, ending up far closer than they'd been since Ostagar, hardly a breath between them, hands clasped together. The bumping of metal on metal, their armor brushing together, accompanies the motion. "Then what do you think, Lo?" she asks softly.

The world comes to a hush. The fire fades out, the rustling of the forest ceases. Even the breeze falls to a standstill. He cautiously reaches to palm her cheek, and she lets him, against all reason. There's a sadness to his eyes as he looks at her. Loghain brushes his thumb across the jagged scar that rakes from her cheekbone to her jawline.

"I think I miss you, too."

He bends down to kiss her, brushing his lips cautiously against her own. Stunned, Rhiona wraps her arms around his neck and leans into it as best her armor allows, into the way his mouth moves against hers, how his tongue slides along the seam of her mouth. She opens to him, because of course she does, her and her stupid heart and stupid mouth and Loghain with his stupid presence that does something to her.

Loghain's hands fall to her waist. It's painfully familiar, but even after nearly a year, Rhiona's still not ready to let go. We can make this work, she nearly whispers into his mouth. We can take our lives back.

We can have each other again.

It's a silly thought, she tells herself. She clings to him as if he were a fading dream. Perhaps he is. Perhaps this is just a momentary lapse of judgment, forgotten with the dawn. Her hands clutch at his nape, the fear of losing this once more trembling in her fingertips.

He gently pulls out of the kiss to lay his forehead against hers. "I've missed you. Every day. When you went missing, everything changed. I've lost so many people, Ree; when I lost you, it was like losing a part of myself again."

"You're a part of me too, Loghain," she murmured back. "Which is why it was so scary, your men trying to track us. It felt like a death sentence in the making. I couldn't bear it, trying to outrun you at every turn. Everything in me wanted to march to Denerim myself to find you, to do whatever i could to help end the stirrings of civil war. It was what I owed Ferelden."

She quiets for a moment. Her eyes mist over with a year of unshed tears. "It was what I owed you."

"You don't owe me anything. You never have. I gave myself freely when I asked for your hand."

Rhiona laughs wetly. She breaks the spell and steps away, putting distance between them, her gaze caught on the lingering flames and embers of the run-down fire. "Maker, the things you still do to me," she mutters, wiping her eyes. He moves into her peripheral vision, still in reaching distance if she turned toward him.

"I'm...sorry. I overstepped."

"Don't be," she replies, blushing furiously. Rhiona turns to face him and grasps his wrist. "Loghain, I..." She trails off, unsure. Looking up toward the sky reveals the moon steadily traveling, hours winding by, bringing his turn on watch to a close. Hesitation melts into longing in her chest, and her very skin yearns to touch him.

"It's cold," she says finally. The statement is punctuated by a stiff breeze that catches her breath in her throat.

"So it is." He gives the slightest shiver. He always did seem to be impervious to the cold; it was suddenly so humanizing to see one now.

"Your watch is almost over."

Loghain looks at her, purposefully neutral. "That is correct."

Annoyance at his obstinance begins to bubble in her chest. Surely he knows what she is asking--how could he not? Must she always be so blunt in his presence, must she always ask baldly for what she wants?

Yes, she tells herself, sighing mentally. He is not a mind-reader. He appreciates directness, a 'say-exactly-what-you-mean' kind of man. She knows this.

"Come with me," Rhiona says slowly. She watches his face. It relaxes, bit by bit, as he considers. He doesn't answer immediately, and her stomach twists.

He sighs and palms her cheek once more with his free hand. "I will."

"Okay."

It comes out on a whisper. She hadn't really expected him to say yes. It had been the wall she'd run herself into time and again, that he didn't want her. And now...

Her hand lifts up to find his. They lace their fingers together easily, just like old times.

Hope blooms dangerously in her chest. "Okay," she says again, relief coursing through her. There, in the darkness of her tent, perhaps they can find each other again.

#da drunk writing circle #ocean writes #warden cousland #loghain mac tir #cousland/loghain mac tir #dragon age: origins #dao

[princeofyorkshire]

hiiii <3

things that have worked for me:

🌱meditating!!! there are some really nice guided meditations on spotify that help me take the edge off when i'm feeling too anxious. i usually use them to make me fall asleep but i've found that they help me be more relaxed when i'm awake too.

🌱organization and planning. routines can be tough for me but i feel like having a set plan for what i'm gonna do in a specific day helps me not freak out so much, because i know how much time you can dedicate to ach thin. include snack breaks/chill time as well and take care of yourself!

🌱in line with the last point: go outside or even just open a window, breathe some fresh air and stretch your legs/limbs betweets study sets. don't stay in the same position too long. drink water which isn't just good for obvious reasons but also helps you stay awake and focused.

🌱music!!! i get distracted easily but i really love lofy beats or just anything that has a soothing melody and can blend in the background while i revise.

🌱give yourself little rewards!!! i have adhd so my brain is everywhere all the time so i used to tell myself i could watch 2 scenes of a show i liked if i managed to read 3 pages of a document / text. this obviously worked for me specifically but maybe find some kind of small reward for reading x amount of pages or for finishing x amount of summaries.

🌱try to get enough sleep and this is maybe the most important tip because it will influence how tired/anxious/stressed you feel if you go to bed too late and can only think of taking a nap lmao. use your phone less the later it gets so that your brain can remember it's time to log off for the night.

🌱human contact!!! text a friend/talk to a family member or even just hug your pet if you have any!!! talk aloud if you can and maybe repeat what you've read about and try to explain it in your own words if only maybe just to hear your own voice.

🌱at the end of the day make a list of the things you managed to do and focus on those and not on what you missed. you're doing your best and it's good to have the reminder!!

anyway i hope one of these helps! best of luck, i hope you do great!!!!! 💞💖💓

- 💕

this is SUCH a good list, God bless you. i appreciate it so much. definitely gonna keep all of these in mind!!! thank you darling <3 i always think of doing this stuff but i never actually do it cause i never write it down so i just. forget. hehe. so thank you thank you thank you!

#to keep #i don’t have a tag for this stuff but this ask is super important so <3 thank you again angel! #anon #asks 💌

[beef-unknwn]

Dying a Stranger

Notes: uhhh i try not to intrude on the plot or on the characters when making self insert ocs so I don't do much here. This is more just to make peace with a fear of mine. This whole fic is more just my character's thoughts while in episode 3. Don't think too much about the tense (ie past tense, present tense). Time is an illusion. This is probably a really bad fic anyways enjoy bye

Chapter 1: Warm-ups

The beach was an... interesting place for team building exercises, but anything get me out of my cave-like workplace. I thought working in a theme park would be more interesting. All I really get to see are wires, codes and a whole lot of Pauline's face.

This blue-haired guy has been a lifesaver since I got here. He's talkative enough to keep a conversation going but doesn't leave me out of them (like a lot of people tend to do). Another friend of his arrives and he starts talking to her. I keep talking to Badyah and Logs in the meantime. Something about zombie mascots. I just had to be there I guess. It was from a different employee initiation session than the one I attended.

Everyone was just walking around talking to each other, waiting for the team building guy. One by one, though we were called by Barney. I didn't know what it was for until I myself was called.

"IT Guy." Norma stated.

Then Badyah was called.

"...and Deathslide"

I guess he was quizzing Norma on park jobs?

"That's just where they work at the park."

Ah. I guess not?

Badyah excitedly goes to talk to them–don't know why she's so excited about Norma knowing where she worked but okay.

I decided to join them since there's not really much to do except stand around and wait. I didn't catch much of the conversation but I did get a better picture of what that was all about.

"Badyah, she needs to learn your real name."

"Yeah.. my name just means 'enlightened genius'. I prefer 'Deathslide'" she imitates a slide and explosion. I'm pretty sure I saw Norma change her expression.

Wait. Is that just what she calls everyone by? Their park jobs? And she calls me 'IT Guy'???? That's not right!

"Um. I'd rather you not call me IT Guy though.." I interject. "It's more accurate to call me 'Tech Maintenance'" They all gave me quizzical looks.

"IT Guy implies I only work with computers. I don't just work with computers." I explained

"But.. wouldn't you rather be called by your actual name?"

"I mean.. I don't mind nicknames. I've been called worse. But for the sake of social etiquette; Hi, I'm Mason, but you can also call me Kai." I hold out a hand for a handshake but quickly put it away to talk some more. "But don't ask me how you get Kai from Mason, I haven't thought of a good joke yet."

Badyah laughs, then Barney, then Norma, reluctantly.

After hearing his name, Barney starts to walk towards another group and Norma soon follows. I was left with Badyah- Oh, sorry. I mean Deathslide.

"You're a funny guy, Kai."

"Thanks. Don't expect much in the future, though."

"Oh, come on. Why is everyone nowadays so hard on themselves?"

"Is that a rhetorical question or do you actually want me to answer?"

We both laugh again.

...

A van soon arrives and it looks like something you'd see in a hippie convention. Great. They're gonna be one of those guys.

He makes his entrance, says and does some weird stuff, I try not to think too much about it. He said something about bounding and trust or fear or something. I just wanted to go home. Too much social interaction and too much personal space being crowded by this... weirdo in one day. And we haven't even started with the exercises yet!

And look, I try not to judge people and folks like him are often nice but he's just... off. In so many ways. Walking red flag, this guy.

Whatever, the first exercise is simple enough. I get paired with this lady who works with smoothies and she guides me through an obstacle course while I was blindfolded. We switch turns after I finished, but I got a bit distracted by this dog falling into a pit...

Wait did that little red kid just poof and teleport–

The next exercise is a trust fall. Again, simple. Fall, switch, then catch. Josh was a bit heavy, but I work with animatronics so I managed.

Then this exercise... Oh no... I hate this game. I thought I'd never see it again after all these years. And lo it was before my eyes.

Just let them lead you, I thought. Just hold their hands, do as you're told and don't think too much about it. Okay. Here we go...

Nope.

"I am not playing this game." I said, matter-of-factly. "Too many bad memories."

"Oh? Is that so? Well... we're working on our fears, aren't we? Why not take this as an opportunity, hm?"

Oh yeah. This guy is bad news. But I'm too tired to object and too much of a wuss to go against majority. So with a sigh, I say "...Fine."

I am so sorry to the people who had to hold my sweaty hands..

...

I thought I was scared of this game... But, Norma... It didn't help that Harmony was so persistently in her space.

I should've refused to play. Maybe then she could've followed my lead. We both would've been better off...

"I'm still worried about Norma" Badyah's voice brought me back from my thoughts. I take a second to look back at the poor girl, sitting by the waves.

"You should talk to her." I said

"I really want to..." She rubs her arm "..but I think she'd rather be alone."

"Oh, trust me. It's better if she had company. It doesn't matter if she talks back, just be there for her"

She looks back at the girl, concern written all over her face. And she starts to walk. I wanted to go with her, to apologize or...something. But I didn't. I'm so stupid.

After a while, the pair comes back just in time for another game I'm guessing. Hopefully he just sends us home, but I doubt it. We stand in a semicircle.

"I hope you all enjoyed the warm-ups" I knew it.

"Warm-ups?!" That's what I was thinking!

"Now we begin the real work to defeat your fears.." I do NOT like where this is going...

Chapter 2: Fear

"You're gonna need to dig into the deepest, darkest place inside you. Find your greatest fear." I don't need to dig deep, dude.

"And now, feed it to the skull"

Skull?

"Skull?"

"That can't be normal." I agree with the talking dog.

"I always bring a skull to a party" Wait. Talking dog?

"Okay. Not normal" Hmm...

"I bring my skull to parties" I said, knocking on my head.

"Please, feed your fear to the skull" This man needs to be less obvious.

Norma hesitates and thankfully Badyah takes the initiative. She holds the skull but nothing happens. Until..

...

One by one they each touch the skull. And everytime they do they see... something. I knew this guy was bad news.

Somehow I was never tossed the skull. Must be the way I blend in. But before Harmony could notice that, Barney and Norma seem to be back to normal.

"Tech Maintenance! You got out of the fear world by yourself?"

"Umm.. not exactly?"

"Oh, I knew I missed one! Go fetch!" He throws the skull my way. But just as I flinch to block it, Barney and Norma got to me by the nick of time.

As I opened my eyes, the beach was different. It was empty and.. there was an event being held. Everything was black and it was raining; a casket was being carried by some figures. The three of us who touched the skull were now wearing black palette clothes.

"A.. funeral service?"

"I guess you're afraid of dying?" Oh, if only it were that simple..

"Not quite. Take a closer look."

"I'm not sure I want to" Barney looked sour.

"Relax. It's not like the body is gonna be mutilated. Although.. it might as well be"

We walked to the casket once it was lowered. I opened the lid to the top half. And there I was.

Barney gasped "You're..."

"Yep."

The body inside was me, sure, but... not now. In both ways. What I mean is I will die and have already died. This version of me, at least.

I had longer hair, and wore a dress. A pained look on face, makeup applied. I wasn't hideous by any means, but I felt sick anyways.

We all sat in a moment of silence, as if grieving this fake corpse. The wind was cold but my palms still sweat.

"It's not that I'm scared of dying," I finally spoke. "I'm just scared I'll die a stranger."

"Remembered as someone else. My true self, rejected; even in death."

Barney seems to understand.

"And I'm scared that this is still a possibility."

His mouth agape slightly.

We took another moment of silence with the corpse.

"Y'know.. It's funny. The way I feel about this... dead.. me. It's like actual grief. With all it's stages." I give a half-smile to my dead self. "And now.. I'm ready for acceptance." I close the casket as I close my eyes. I felt tears form and trickle down my cheek.

It's time to say goodbye to an old friend. Kinda poetic really..

"Say hi to Lola for me. Ask if she's proud, would ya?" I know I probably looked silly doing that but.. it felt right.

"Who's Lola?"

"Oh, that's just how you say 'grandma' in Tagalog. She never got to know the real me.. and I'll never get to know how she would've felt.. But I think it's better to be optimistic."

Barney grumbled agreeingly but looked of bittersweet. I wish I understood.

The environment cracks and shatters like glass and we're brought back to the real world. The only things from the fear world that remained were my tears. Dried but fresh, they mark my face.

I'll let them handle the rest.

#fanfic #de:pp #dead end netflix #dead end paranormal park #self insert #if you have any fic requests id be happy to know #dont expect me to actually write them tho #i might draw them instead #or just think about the idea #yknow. put it in a microwave and watch it slowly spin

[nutlessspeedrun]

DENIAL ASSESSMENT #5: August 5th

Days Since Last O: August 3rd (Two Days)

Edges: 5 before my last orgasm, no touch after

General Mood: Down, due to life shit. Horny stuff is a solid distraction, at least.

Productivity: High! Had three days off of work, and got a good amount of stuff done at home. Slooowly catching up on my back log

Libido: Eh? Yesterday I didn't feel any urge to touch myself, and then this morning I woke up humping the air. Strange...

I didn't get a chance to write about my first orgasm this month! I drew it out to make it extra special... After it hit midnight on the 3rd I think the only way I indulged before bed was by lightly grinding on my bed a little... Not even enough to edge.

I woke up STUPID horny, and absolutely made a mess of myself. Grinding against my pillow until I got so close, I could feel my body clenching as it tried to tip me over the edge...

Eventually, though, I forced myself to get out of bed and start my day. It was hard to work, feeling so turned on... But I knew the longer I waited to cum, the better it would feel. Plus, if I accidentally waited too long, the clock may strike midnight, and I'd have to wait two more days to cum~! Oooh, noooo...!!

After the day wound down, I denied myself the bathroom until I started to leak. Fucked myself silly, edged a few times, and THEN came. It was so relieving, I couldn't help but cry out... But, as soon as I was over the edge, the pleasure only lasted a second or two... I could feel myself clenching and throbbing and cumming, but, it just didn't... feel as amazing as I'd hoped.

I did get off two more times after that, which was nice.

Anyway! As for today, I have to work until after midnight. When I get home, I COULD make myself cum. Or, I could wait until after I wake up, and hope I get time to enjoy an orgasm before work.

... Worst case scenario, I could try to get off AT work...

#nsft #dante's journal #denial journal #denial #long term chastity #long term denial

[noobsomeexagerjunk]

I learned of Techno's passing directly after waking up from a nightmare where I almost died. I just saw the words "Technoblade" in the notif and clicked blindly. Took a while for the video to sink in.

The thing about how I cope with death is that my brain goes to "Oh fuck I will die soon what have I done what have I not done" before it goes "Oh fuck this person is gone their absence is going to sting in the long run" and I just remember mouthing several nos as I watched the announcement. I browse Tumblr to help the loss settle a bit. Took a while before I had the energy to go downstairs and do my morning errands.

That Friday was a thankfully do-nothing day. My favorite band released a new album. A lot of the songs were about living one's own life and dealing with the grief of losing a loved one. I still yet have to finish listening to it. Stream Mercury Acts 1 and 2 if you can.

Caught only one stream today and it was Michaelmcchill's. He talked about his time with Techno, but what really got to me was when he logged onto the Dream SMP so we can see Techno's places there together. We went to the Arctic Commune, looked at all the pets. The Hound Army! Carl the Horse! Edward and Steve! They're all waiting! Chat led Michael into the Training Room (that we never got to properly use) and the Syndicate Meeting place.

We then went to that Sand Temple in the New World. It sucks that we never knew what it was for. We debated for a bit whether to go inside and decided not to. I hope we'll be able to learn soon. The building of that place was streamed for a reason.

Michael got lost trying to find Pogtopia for the farm there and the secret base Techno built for the revolution. We planted some potatoes. After all that I left the stream to bathe.

After getting some Starbucks with the family later evening, my mom drags me into a conversation about her own mortality. She doesn't like the idea of dying at 90, she hates feeling sick and hapless. I don't want to think about dying right now.

I always find that when someone dear to me dies, I wonder what would happen when I die. I don't like leaving things unfinished, at least when I don't mean to. I hate missed opportunity, I don't like the feeling of regret, and I think that's the fear that comes with dying. He had so much left unfinished, and it's scary thinking about what we can and can do with these. It's scary to think that this can happen to me, especially so soon. Techno's about 4 years older than me. I don't want to die at 23.

I'm sickly myself, my time management is shit, and I want to celebrate life but sometimes I wonder how much of that is a distraction.

Anyways I just wanted to get this out after bottling it up for a day. I think I will pray more, drink some water, and create from where I left off.

#vent #death tw

[doonarose]

My poker face is at 11/10

I woke up early to edit and post fic and then had fruit for breakfast because there was talk yesterday of taking my new car for a drive in the country which I extrapolated meant lunch at some pub. And then my father decided to get distracted by yardwork which is fine, because I need yardwork done. But they're awful communicators and she's rapidly getting pissed off that he won't get on board with her plan of going off for lunch (which she hasn't told him) and he's just wasting time and not taking a hint.

And now it's 1pm and so we're not going to make it anywhere for lunch and they're both increasingly passive aggressive at each other.

But here's the need for the poker face:

I am reading smut, of course I am, squirrelled away in the corner of the couch and acutely aware of when someone's out the window with any chance of a glimpse. He's decided he's going to take a break and open a random app on my TV and he's gone for the artsy/foreign movie channel app all Australians have and I was SMART enough to log the fuck out of my account for that before they turned up because I do indeed enjoy various arthouse movies there (like actually for their aesthetics) and most recently have been watching (genuinely rather good) called Erotic Stories and I had already mapped out them opening up my account. So pulled all that off. But then we have to undertake the fifteen minute ordeal of him trying to remember his login because I tell him I never bothered to get one (as far as they're concerned I do not watch arthouse or dirty anything, except when they stumble onto it and subject me to it, recall the lesbians of a few weeks ago).

Anyway, that's my Sunday. Last night I drank too much and it was nice. I think they're all going home tomorrow and then I have two nights to myself before I'm off for three straight weeks of bullshit and sleeping in hotels and on friends' couches. Ick.

#doonas rambling