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iggydabirdkid · 10 months

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Good things come in threes! This is the third of the 6 drawings I have planned for Pride Month!

The Wayhaven Chronicles is one I hold dear, being someone who loves everything supernatural. And how can I pass up the opportunity for angst with a certain golden-haired vampire??

So this is what I did for My Detective (Agent now I guess XD) Theadora Rickson and Ava Du Mortain.

(Forgive me if some of the spelling and punctuation is strange. It was weirdly difficult trying to write this in the style the game is written in. Also this ones a little longer, so don’t feel obligated to read it if ya don’t want to. Just enjoy the pretty art :) )

+++++

Lost in Your Eyes

The alarm that blares from my phone jumpstarts my heart as my eyes snap open. Groaning and turning my face into my plump pillow I reluctantly roll onto my stomach and reach blindly towards the shrill sound, my palm slapping against the surface of beside table before finally connecting with the offending device.

Another groan escapes me and I lift my head while blinking against the glow of the screen as I turn the alarm off. I hate having to get up so early but I had doomed myself by neglecting my paperwork all week and now I was paying the price. I was just glad that I had had the foresight to ask Verda to send it over to the Warehouse. At least that way I could get it done from the comfort of the library. I let my head flop back down into the inviting plush of my pillow, “Thanks past me,” I mumble, the act of rolling my eyes made difficult by my position.

Letting out a sigh I finally decide to get up as I knew that if I stayed laying down I would for sure fall asleep again. I push the top half of my body off the mattress as I lean on my forearms and yawn before arching my back and hearing the cracks and pops of my joints before sitting back on my haunches. I tip my head back to roll my neck and lift my arms up high over me before shaking them out and standing up. I scowl as I look down to see my covers bunched up around my feet and I kicked my blankets to the floor, they needed to be washed anyways. As I jump from my bed it rocks beneath me and I grimace, placing a hand against its wooden frame to steady it.

The wall before me was dappled with morning sunlight and unable to help myself I wave a hand through the specks of dust floating in the rays of gold. With a smile of my face I let myself relax. Sometimes it was worth waking up early, if only for the little things. Speaking of…

I spin around and grab my phone off the nightstand, swiping down from the top of the screen to check my notifications as I pad barefoot from my room and into the kitchen. No new messages. The frown on my face was familiar, as was the way my heart seemed to sink in my chest. I was hoping that she would have sent a message, even if it was a brief one. Seeing nothing stung and I scowl at myself, “They’re on a mission!” I shout into my empty apartment as I throw my phone onto the kitchen counter and turn to the kettle to press its toggle down, “She won’t have time to send anything…” I trail off as I grab a mug and tea bag from the cupboard, willing the words to set my feelings at ease but there was still the tiniest voice way at the back of my mind that said otherwise, “Stop it.” I spit out harsh words to myself as I watch the steam rise from the kettle’s spout. But I can’t help it as the image of emerald-green eyes pop into my mind. I groan and rub my face with my hands, “Great…” I grumble just as the kettle clicks off, “What a fantastic way to start the morning…”

-----

My car rumbles along the dirt pathway leading up to the warehouse and I feel every shift and bump that it makes, but I don’t mind. It may be old but that just gives it character! Not something that everyone in Unit Bravo believes and when I had made the same joke about Ava herself, only Farah had laughed. I snicker as I remembered the sour look on Ava’s face as she had pursed her lips, her form tightening as she had turned away. I wonder how she’s doing…

Soon enough I pull up in front of the warehouse, parking my car and wincing at the loud creaking noise the handbrake made when I pulled it up. Maybe I should be thinking about upgrading… I’m sure Ava would help with her love of cars… I smack myself lightly on the forehead. Stop thinking about Ava, you have work to do! I unclip my seatbelt, yank my bag from the passenger seat, and open my door with a kick before stepping out onto the mossy forest floor. I threw my door closed with a slam that reverberated throughout the still almost silence and I stop in my tracks to just take in the view.

I loved it here. Being in the forest, being in nature with the trees and the animals. I loved the way the rays of sun filtered in through the treetops high above, their branches swaying in the wind and causing the light to dance about the ground in such interesting ways. I smile to myself before making sure my car is locked and heading inside the warehouse, walking through the dark and dusty false interior before entering through the key carded locked door and entering the warehouse proper. The door had only just closed behind me before a blur of colour rockets forwards from down the hall and I freeze on the spot, becoming a perfectly still target for the energetic vampire who would have knocked me over had my back not been right up against the door.

“Thea!” Farah squeals as she wraps her arms around my shoulders, pinning my hair to my back as she does so.

“Farah!” I reply and drop my bag to hug her back, “You’ve returned?” I laugh even as I feel my brow crease.

“Earlier this morning yeah.” She pulls back then picks my bag up and hands it to me. I watch as she cocks her head to one side and I shift on the spot when her eyes zero in on my face, “You’re upset?”

“Not about you returning!” I reassure her as I start my walk towards the library, “I was just hoping to get a text from Ava this morning. Considering…” I trail off, “I know its stupid, but is she in at the moment?” I ask as I turn my head slightly to peer at the shorter vampire who shakes her head in reply.

“She left an hour ago. Wouldn’t tell us where she was going, which is new but.” she shrugs and I watch her shoulders disappear into the frizz of her hair.

“Guess that for the best, I didn’t realize you guys were back today. I left Ava’s present back at my apartment.”

“You got her a present!” Farah shouts as she begins to bounce on the balls of her feet.

“Of course I did! Why wouldn’t I?” I chuckle as I push open the door to the library, allowing Farah to enter before me.

“What did ya get her?” Farah asks, skipping over to and flopping down onto the old patterned couch.

“Ohhh no,” I wag my finger at her as I dump my bag by her feet, “You’re terrible at keeping secrets. I’m more likely to tell Morgan than you and that only as she’ll forget because she doesn’t care.” I snicker, striding past Farah to the desk where I could see my paperwork sitting neatly atop. The sound of the chair scraping across the hardwood floor as I drag it out fills the large space, and I hope in vain that Nat hadn’t heard. I didn’t need another lecture on proper etiquette. I slump down into the chair and scoot back under the desk before spreading my files across its surface, only to be interrupted by the sound of a quirky tune rising from where Farah sat with her back to me. I sigh and give a quiet laugh as I turn in my chair, “Farah?” I start, speaking up to get her attention.

“Huh?” comes the distracted reply as she tilts her head backwards to look at me. I shake my own head with a grin.

“As much as I love your company I have work I need to do, and I rather I get it all done before Rebecca realizes I’ve been slacking again.”

“She’s not in charge of you anymore though?”

“Try telling her that!” I chortle, “And she’s still my mother. She’ll nag me about it and I’ll have to listen to her talk about work ethic again and I’d rather avoid that if I can.”

“Ugh! Fine fine, I’ll get out of your hair.”

I open my mouth to thank her. Only to stop and instead raise an eyebrow as she reaches behind to grab the arm of the couch with both hands before lifting her legs off from the cushions, arching them over her head pushing herself off the as she flips over. Her feet land with a thud against the ground and she raises her arms above her head as she turns to me, “Ta da!”

“You’re ridiculous!” I laugh as I clap and she grins before grabbing her beanie from the floor, the article of clothing having fallen off during her stunt and allowing half her face to be covered by her curls. She crams it back on her head and moves her hair aside to give me a wink and fire finger guns at me before spinning on her heel and leaving. I turn back to my paper and groan at the full day of work I saw ahead of me before I sigh, and begin.

-----

I wake up with a start as a loud knock rings throughout the library. As I bolt upright in my seat a few stray sheets of paper that had stuck themselves to my face fall back to the desk. I shake my head, brush my hair over my shoulders and reach for my phone to check the time. If the bright numbers hadn’t alerted me to the fact that I had slept through the time I normally would have had lunch, then the rumble of my stomach would have clued me in. I jump and drop my phone back to the desk when whoever is outside the room knocks again.

“Uh, come in?” No need to raise my voice for whichever vampire it was that had the polite thought to knock first. The door cracks open and I quickly rub the sleep from my eyes, turning in my chair as Ava steps into the room.

“I apologize for interrupting your-“

“I was doing paperwork,” I cut in, sitting up straight and pulling back my shoulders. Ava raises an eyebrow.

“You were sleeping.”

“I was sleeping…” I sigh in admittance, allowing my posture to slacken as I lean an elbow on the table and prop my head up in the palm of my hand, “But in my defense I got up very early. I was semi-responsible.” Ava shakes her head at my joviality but I catch the ghost of a smile as she walks my way. The light that shines in through the windows behind me casts her in a curtain of gold and as I stare into the pools of her eyes my weariness seems to simply wash away. She stops an arm’s length away from me and it was only then that I realized she had been holding her arms behind her back the entire time. I lean to the side in an attempt to peer past her but she shifts in such a way that makes it impossible, “Spoilsport,” I hmph before looking up at her and the uncharacteristically nervous expression that twists her strong features, “Is something wrong?”

“No. Nothing is wrong.” She shakes her head yet the way her lips draw close says otherwise.

“Ava, you look like you’re constipated,” I snort as I push my chair back and get to my feet, “What’s up?”

She brings her arms out then from behind her back and extends her hands out towards me with her palms facing up, and a squat rectangular box sitting upon them. She clears her throat and I flick my attention back up to her face, “This is for you.” My eyes widen in surprise and I reach for the small black box.

“For me?” A nod, “I did get you something as well,” I add as Ava’s hands drop to her side, “But-“

“But you left it at your apartment. Farah informed me as such.”

“I knew she would tell you,” I chuckle before grasping the lid and opening the present.

It takes me a few seconds to see that the intertwining cords of leather are a bracelet and I feel a genuine smile grace my lips. And it was another few seconds after that that I realize the bracelet was one I recognized, and I felt my smile soften into something sadder.

“This is my dad’s,” I whisper softly, not taking my eyes from the precious gift.

“Yes,” Ava replies after a few silent seconds, “Agent Rickson mentioned that it was your favorite of all the ones he had. But it had been worn into being non functional.”

“It was falling apart,” I sniffle as I feel my cheeks heat up, “I wore it so much and after that I just didn’t want to risk losing it. So I stashed it away.” I fall silent as I gently lift the treasure from the box, turning it over in the sunlight as I take in every inch of it. The happiness that fills me as I slip it onto my wrist was too much to contain, and I feel my face break out in a wide grin as I place the box on the desk and step closer to Ava. I reach up towards her, cupping my hands at the back of her head as she grabs onto my waist and pulls me flush against her.

“Theadora. Thea. Animus meus, domus meus…” Ava’s words were so soft spoken, a side of her only I got to see and I stare into her face, into her eyes, into her soul.

“Ava Du Mortain. Amor meus, amicus meus, vita mea…” I watched as her gaze softened yet her eyes still sparkled as her mouth morphed into a perfect small smile, “I could get lost in your eyes forever.”

#first time ive about these two as well #but i do love a good vampire romance #Theadora Rickson #ava du mortain #The Wayhaven Chronicles #wayhaven detective #wayhaven book 3 spoilers

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blueberry-macaron · 2 years

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LBSC Sprint Challenge: August

I finally completed my first sprint challenge!!

As a prompt, I chose the twitter post that said "When people are sad I let them color in my tattoos. Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon" from this prompt list

I did the sprint in one go and i was surprised because i thought it would be way harder XD I'm quite happy with how it turned out. Enjoy!

@lovebugs-and-snakecharmers

The frustrated tapping of Marinette's nails against the small table halled through the greenhouse of the Liberty. With every movemet of her pencil and new line appearing on the page of her sketch book before her, with every line she removes with her eraser she felt more and more frustration piling up, until she put the pencil down, ripped the page out and threw it across the room. At this point, she had already given up on counting how many cycles of angrily sketching, erasing and ripping out she went through. Either way, she was pissed. A new, blanc page stared at her almost mockingly and she found herself fighting the urge to take the stupid book and throw it into the seine.

… No, that wouldn't be worth it. It was a good book of high quality. Throwing that anywhere would be foolish. She had payed a lot of money for that. And it wasn't like that would make her feel any less like a disappointment anyway.

These stage costumes had to be done in two weeks, yet she just couldn't find any inspiration. This was much easier the first time she had designed costumes for Kitty section. Cute little kitty masks and stuff. The skeches for those had been done in about 30 minutes. But Kitty section, now that they were older, kinda grew out of the cute kitty phase and were now reinventing their image and a rock and metal band, looking for more rock/metal appropriate designs (while still keeping the cat/unicorn theme because Rose, who never grew out of that phase and probably never will, insisted on it).

And Marinette wasn't able to do that. How should the rock and metal genre fit together with a cute kitty/unicorn aesthetic?

It's not like she didn't believe that was possible, but she had tried a good amount of designs, all of them now lying on the floor, and none of them felt right.

She rested her head on the table with a loud sigh. This was clearly not working.

She stayed like this for a short while when she heard footsteps approaching. She looked up and spotted Luka walking towards her with a glass of orange juice im his hand.

It was a hot summer day, so he was wearing a white tank top, exposing his quite toned arms and a big tattoo on his left shoulder, depicting a viper exposing it's long fangs. It was a great tattoo which suited Luka very well, though it wasn't colored yet. He had his next appointment in a few days to get it done. Until then, the viper remained colorless.

Luka put the glass down and sat next to Marinette.

„You look unhappy,“ he observed, placing a hand on Marinette's shouder and squeezing lightly.

She let out another sigh.

„Do you know that feeling when you're completely useless because you can't get anything done because you suck?“

She stretched out an arm to grab one of the papers she teared out earlier, unfolded it and showed it to him.

„Look at this... this... this disgrace,“ she whined, "it looks so bad, it doesn't do the band justice at all. Like... it makes me want to throw myself in the seine, that's how much I hated! Why am I so goddamn untalented?“

Luka chuckled.

„Watch what you're saying, that's my girlfriend you're talking about,“ he joked. It made Marinette smile.

„Sorry,“ she said. „ I guess I'm just in a really bad mood because none of the designs feel right. I want you guys to have nice stage outfits and none of those would do you justice.“

„It's ok, that happens“, Luka comforted her, „Sometimes the notes are here and you can hear them.“

He leans back on the couch and pulls Marinette along with him.

„But I just don't know how to... combine them. And it sucks, but I know you'll figure it out. You should get a break and I'm sure it'll make you feel better.“

His eyes fell on one of marinette's crayons. He smiled and picked the blue one up.

„You know,“ he said, „maybe you can just try to design something easier.“

Marinette tilted her head in confusion.

„Like what?“

„Like my uncolored tattoo“

He turned his shoulder to her.

„I haven't actually amde up my mind about what color exactly I want him to be. Maybe you could help me with that,“ he explained. „Plus...“

He put on a dorky smile.

„Plus what,“ Marinette asked, also smiling in anticipation what would come next.

„Plus, you'd have a shoulder to... crayon.“

The greenhouse fell silent for a few seconds. Marinette looked at her boyfriend as if he hadn't just made the funniest pun she had heard in a long time while he had the audacity to look back at her with this idiotic and utterly adorable grin.

Then a giggle escaped her which soon turned into loud laughter.

„A shlouder to crayon,“ she repeated in between chuckles,“You've got to be kidding me!“

Luka was laughing, too.

„I'm normally not good with puns. Come on, Medoly, you gotta give me credit for that one.“

„Ok ok,“ Marinette chuckled, „That was pretty funny. Well done.“

She ruffled his hair with her hand. Luka leaned into the touch.

Then he handed her the crayon and she started coloring the viper.

„I don't know if you know this, but I normally hate puns,“ she confessed, „Back in the days Chat noir made puns every time I'd meet him. Bad puns I might add.“

„Mostly about cats I assume,“ Luka asked.

„Yup,“ Marinette answered, „Though admittedly, some of them were funny. I just never laughed because I was focusing on fighting the akuma. And also...“

She put the crayon down and picked another one, „If I'd actually confess that he can be funny, he'd probably be so proud of himself that he'd be insuffarable.“ she laughed.

„Yeah, I can see that,“ said Luka.

„Not that I mean any offense by that though,“ she added.

They sat like this for some time, Marinette coloring Luka's arm while they came up with their own puns. People say laughter is the best medicine. Marinette found that to be true, as she felt her mood getting better with every second.

After some time, Marinette was satisfied with her work. The viper rested big and proud on Luka's shoulder in various shades of blue and green. She also put in some violet highlights to make the creature feel more alive.

„Wow,“ Luka said, „if you weren't on your way to be the worlds greatest designer, you would do great as a tattooist.“

„So you like it?“

„Like it? I love it!“

He wrapped his arm around his girlfriend and planted a kiss on her forhead.

„I will tell the tattooist to make my tattoo look exactly like that.“

Marinette looked up at him and felt really proud to have made her boyfriend this happy. She pressed her lips to his and gave him a little peck.

„Too bad I won't have that tattoo in the future to color.“

Luka chuckled.

„Don't worry babe. I have two shouders.“

#ml #ml fafic #my fanfic #my writing #lukanette #endgame Lukanette #pro lukamari #lbsc sprint challenge

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amethystina · 11 months

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Hi <3

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about "Gravitational Pull"? Answer it now!

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about "Who Holds the Devil"? Answer it now!

8. What song would make a great fic (to either write or read)?

I hope you are okay and have a lovely day/night <3

Hi! 💜

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about "Gravitational Pull"? Answer it now!

I honestly have no idea. But to avoid this being the most boring answer to a question ever, I guess I can explain that Gravitational Pull was only meant to be a stand-alone fic at first but, as time passed, I realised how tempting it was to keep going with a series of connected "What if" fics where I basically wreck the canon.

Apparently, making Yo Han and Ga On kiss in episode 13 can throw everything out of whack if you want it to.

There will be five fics in total if my plan holds up (fingers crossed?) and will basically feature the rest of episodes 13-16 of the drama. Except each fic will have one, big "What if" scenario slapped onto it which will change the events considerably. And, obviously, also change the events that will take place in the coming instalments.

I'll basically be pushing a bigger and bigger snowball of canon divergences as I move along until I eventually reach the end. And who knows what that ending will entail?

(Why am I doing this again?)

Anyway, in the next one, the "What if" scenario is: "What if Ga On gets shot instead of Soo Hyun?" and the one after that is: "What if Ga On can derail Kim Choong Sik's execution without telling everyone that the Live Court Show is fake?" and so on and so forth.

And they will be posted as separate fics, not additional chapters to Gravitational Pull, since they will all have slightly different themes and focus. It just felt more reasonable from a narrative and storytelling standpoint to post them separately.

And, naturally, the one I look forward to writing the most is the fifth one — because fuck my life x'D

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about "Who Holds the Devil"? Answer it now!

This is just as difficult as the first one, if not more so because, uh, there's a lot to talk about when it comes to Who Holds the Devil. But a lot of it I say in my author's notes already so it's kind of hard to pinpoint something I haven't already said xD

But here's a fun fact: The most difficult chapter to write so far was Chapter 1. There have been difficult chapters since then, especially those that are emotionally heavy or, more recently, demand a certain level of suspense, but none were as difficult as that first one. Partly because I had to restructure it three times before I got it right. The very first draft actually jumped straight to Ga On getting the text from Elijah but I realised that didn't give it enough impact, so I basically rewrote the entire thing two times until I was satisfied.

And, admittedly, it also took me a while to get Ga On's voice right. Or, rather, to let myself write him the way I instinctively tried to do but my brain kept second-guessing. Partly because he was a new character to me (which is always daunting) but also because the style is a little different from how I usually write. My writing is always pretty descriptive, but Ga On takes it to a whole new level x'D Especially where emotions and impressions are concerned. It's all very visceral and that threw me for a second. Not to mention that a lot of it seems to rely on repetition, which most people are taught is a bad way to write. So there was a lot to get used to.

And, quite honestly, I almost stopped writing the DAY after I had started x'D I felt so out of depth and everything was new and strange and I was so nervous about writing a story set in a country and culture I don't actually know (that still makes me panic every now and then) and... yeah. Just a lot of anxiety there at the beginning.

Thankfully, a lot of it has settled by now and I feel a lot more confident about both the writing itself and my characterisation. And that's no doubt why the first chapter will always be the most difficult one I had to write, since it was the one that gave me the most anxiety.

The second most difficult chapter to write was Chapter 23, because I was injured and also couldn't decide on what I was actually writing so the chapter became an unstructured, unstable mess and I almost had to completely rewrite it. And the third most difficult was Chapter 25 because of the sheer level of pain, anxiety, and grief Ga On goes through. The fact that my grandad died while I was working on it definitely didn't help, either.

8. What song would make a great fic (to either write or read)?

I'm so bad at this question that soon I'm going to have to start picking obscure Swedish songs that the majority of you won't understand and just hope you don't call me out on the weird choice xD

Anyway, jokes aside. I answered this question in this ask but, if I have to pick another song, I'll go with There's a Rock by Brolle (or Brolle Jr as he was going by at the time). It's a duet he sings with Frida Snell and I was reminded of how much I love it two weeks ago.

So I'm picking that, not necessarily because it has the most spot-on lyrics, but because it's a song I genuinely love.

(Fun fact: My big sister went to the same high school (-ish, the school system is different in Sweden) as Brolle but he graduated the year before she got there. So her only claim to fame is that she stole his chair when she visited the school for an open house/school tour before actually applying for it)

Questions for fic writers

#Amethystina Does Ask Memes #Anonymous #Who Holds the Devil #Gravitational Pull #I swear #I had to think for two days just to be able to answer those first two #I often find it difficult to just blurt out stuff like that unprovoked #Because I have no idea if it's actually interesting #Make no mistake #I love answering questions #But that's because I've gotten it confirmed that this is information someone actually wants #It's a lot harder for me to just ASSUME someone might want to know what I'm about to say #And then I prefer to just say nothing

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wigglebox · 2 years

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How do you, as a lesbian, deal with the feeling of... I don't know, conformance? To heteronormativity when engaging with stuff like the Jensen thirst traps? I ask because I feel like I'm kinda your opposite at the moment and I'm wondering if you had any thoughts on the matter.

I'm not an “out and proud” kinda guy but also don't go out of my way to live dishonestly (lying by omission basically because coming out is scary). I've been into spn forever and have pics of Cas as my wallpaper, posters etc hanging in my house so it was always kind of a “well if you don't know I'm gay that's on you”. Which works if your favourite media thing has a really bad track record with women.

But recently I've also been getting into a K-pop girl group and would love to put up some of their posters as well. Except, I can't help but think that everyone is just going to go “lol first celebrity crush huh?” I know it doesn't matter and I shouldn't be so bent out of shape about assumptions I'm too afraid to correct anyway but... Ugh. I just don't like people misinterpreting the love I have for something as something else? I'm really secure in my identity and I know that my feelings for women are just not the same as my feelings for men but short of writing “I love these women like my besties because I am a raging homosexual” on top of every mention of them it feels inevitable that people just ... Don't pick up on that.

I just wish I could say stuff like “she's so pretty” and “he's so pretty” and not have societal expectations autofill the intent the wrong way around.

hiii~~

so whenever there's a cute or hot thing that comes out about jackles, i say things like 'oh man, i forgot I'm a lesbian' facetiously and indeed I'm not crossing my legs and clenching when i see a photo of him because i am not sexually attracted to men. his thirst traps actually do nothing for me xD but he's very attractive and i like how he talks and walks and his public persona.

has this happened before to you?

i think anxiety can sometimes throw the 'what if' situations out in our head and it can freeze us and make us not want to act but

it's hard because i think that women may have it a little easier. i had posters up all around my room especially in college of these shows that i liked with all these male protagonists and no one dinged my sexuality over it. though i guess, at the time, i considered myself bisexual bc i was afraid to call myself a lesbian [that's just a loaded story wkejfawklj]

regardless -- i feel you on this one, i too wish people would just accept that you can be a fan of someone or something without wanting to bone the person.

what you laid out sounds more like your anxiety and worry throwing out 'what if' scenarios you just don't want to deal with but those can make us freeze and start to spiral so

i'd hang up the poster. other gay men hang up posters or pictures of Cher or Dolly Parton or some other iconic woman or woman performer like actors and singers, some go so far as to impersonate them in drag performances, and no one thinks they want to fuck those women. And it's not even always older performers too. I don't think people think gay men wanna fuck Lady Gaga or have a crush on her.

shouldn't be any different here. and if someone thinks otherwise, you'll know what to do in the moment. trust your brain to know what to do. sadly it's something that's always a possibility but it's not a guarantee someone will make disparaging comments. but if you have to white-knuckle your way through it, it's shitty but it happens.

but hang up the poster

don't let that heteronormative what if situation freeze you from living a life you wanna live and supporting the celebs and performers you wanna support!

#idk if this helped #i'm at work on a sunday morning and trying to get my brain to work

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andthebeanstalk · 1 year

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Junji Ito makeup test #1

Figuring out what I need in order to create a music video parody of the song "Gloria" by Laura Branigan, but make it about Tomie. I will be playing the part of a 1980s pop disco singer in the style of Junji Ito. This is high art in progress, people! 😘😂😅

photos of first test:

additional digital notes made using Clip Studio:

main takeaways:

So first off, where the fuck did my stage makeup go??? I had no idea it was missing until today!! I ended up using the makeup from when I used to perform as a mime. (Not a joke, but in a larger, cosmic sense, kind of a joke. 😆 I'll probably do it again sometime. I was adorable as a little soft butch gay mime!)

I now remember why I stopped using the dry cake face paint and switched to wet paint in a tube BUT I CANNOT FIND THE TUBESSS

I'm out of eyeliner in general, but for this, I need some kind of extra thin/fine eyeliner and preferably more than a thimble-full of paint for it.

Maybe I can thin out some matte black face paint and also get like a really nice fine brush? I guess it depends on if the paint is water-soluble.

I should probably check to see if I already have these materials, which would be SO MUCH EASIER IF I COULD FIND MY FUCKING STAGE MAKEUP--

Either way the lines need to be super thin, straight, clean, and parallel to each other. Or I could look at the rougher cross-hatching Ito sometimes uses, but I suspect tidier lines will look best with makeup.

Luckily, I already have an entire burlesque/drag act where I make myself look like a character from a black and white film. Between that and the mime thing, I theoretically have all the white gloves I will ever need lol. I guess I'm going to need white leggings, since the light gray ones won't work for this. Junji Ito is not generally greyscale as much as literally black and white.

Do I own makeup primer? I feel like yes. It definitely sounds like a good idea.

I KNOW FOR A FACT I DIDN'T THROW OUT MY STAGE MAKEUP because I had quality skin-safe glitter in basically every color, and only a FOOL would throw that out!!!!

Gloria is a song from 1983 with disco balls in the music video. Do I want to incorporate more style choices from 1983? Should I buy a wig? Something with shoulder pads maybe?? I guess that means I can keep the thick eyebrows...

Actually upon further research, I do need a sequinned shirt for this. Possibly a sequin leotard with a shiny belt. And leg warmers. OH! And a jacket with just the biggest shoulder pads I can find! Or at least the closest thing I can find to this outfit in one trip to a thrift store

Every 1980s music videos seems to have a person with their hair and clothing flowing in the wind. Now, I could buy a fan. But much funnier and cheaper would be a shot of my hair blowing in the wind that then pans to a friend furiously fanning me with a piece of cardboard or something. (Which means I'd need either two people helping with this shot, or I just have to accept that the shot's going to look kind of blurry by doing the zoom-out in post. Oh gods, I would have to write a proper shot list ahhhhhh--)

Honestly, blurry footage seems fine in some parts. I'm probably going to add some dreamy soft filters anyway to make it look like pre-digital 35mm film from an 80s vid.

I'm going to need some fake blood to splatter at me in the middle of the video. Obviously. So I guess that bit will need to be filmed outside.

The good news is the fact that the nearest easiest filming location for me is a alley full of dumpsters is actually really appropriate for this video. XD

Should I do the distressed eyebrows that a lot of Junji Ito characters have? Note to try that in the next test along with a The Crow-like smile. (My go-to high school Halloween costume. Damn, I have been painting my already pasty-pale face even whiter for a while now! 😅)

Other progress made on this project today:

I recorded myself singing a voice memo along to the rhythm of the karaoke version of Gloria that's on YouTube, but in it, I'm singing in the key that is appropriate to my voice. (A couple half-steps down, I think.)

Next step will be to load that clip onto my computer and adjust the karaoke version to match its pitch. And then like, practice the song with my new personalized backing track.

If i actually finish this, I'll have to re-record the backup vocals to say the right name.

Also the next step will be to see if my interest in this lasts long enough to at least get me to find my frickin' stage makeup.

Additional notes:

The original music video for Holding Out for a Hero is exactly the right energy for this, and now I absolutely need shots of me in front of (badly green-screened) flames, on my knees while singing passionately and directly at the camera and presumably wearing kneepads tbh

Omg what if I included a little "photoshoot" sequence and really fucked with the photos to make them all blurry-body-horror nasty as they flash by real quick?? Get like, a glitch effect in the mix hell yeah 😎😎😎

Edit: Omg i just remembered I have these short-shorts with a reanimator quote on the ass! ("Blasphemy? Before what god?") i know what shorts to wear for this now!!

Oh! Another idea! What if the video starts with me reading Tomie and then closing the book and picking up the nearest microphone-shaped thing and using that to start singing - and every 30 seconds or so of footage, it quietly changes to a different item (one of which is absolute the black wand vibrator that I have XD)

Note: I can easily shorten the song if I only have funny shots planned for like 2/3 of the song length. No need to get too repetitive.

#original #I lost over half of my belongings due to bedbugs a couple years ago and I'm still extremely bitter about it so I really hope that #i am right that i kept the makeup. it was precious to me i would have kept it. still so bitter about losing my sewing machine and my guitar #and all my lovely nail polish and all my kitchen appliances and my organizational systems. bottom line is i deserve 1000 presents #and that bedbugs are the scariest creature on the fucking planet. and that i WANT. MY MAKEUP. but i am 99% i have it somewhere still #my character as a mime is a lot like Wes from DST but i hadn't played that game yet at the time. like a very soft harpo marx.#always wrong place wrong time and overenthusiastic in silly soft-hearted ways. their name is JJ Juniper.#tomie Kawakami #tomie #like I want to be completely clear I am a literal clown XD and this video project is very much clown shit and that is on purpose 😅#the inspiration for this project came from the fact that the names Gloria and Tomie have the same rhythm. and that's basically it.#what's it like being a genius you ask? well I would say it isn't easy except it absolutely is incredibly easy XD #if I finish this project it will be like all of my other junji Ito fan work.#which is to say it will be an EXTREMELY detailed and lovingly crafted shit post that takes many dozens of hours to finish #so that's good.#image descriptions #at the very least I found my regular makeup. which is very much also for performing but contains less glitter and face paint #for the raised eyebrow line - what do drag queens use for that?#by the way I absolutely do not have all the white gloves I'll ever need bc nothing in this world stains faster #than a cheap white glove on a clumsy man! but that is okay they are incredibly cheap #OMG if I use my cane to dance in this video I should bedazzle it! also in general I wouldn't mind having a bedazzled cane

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f0xx0rzz · 1 year

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all odds >:] or ones that end in 3 if you dont wanna do that many xD

ty ilu.

1- chipotle order? burrito carnitas (o asada) con crema, queso, arroz blanca, y frijoles negros. sin guacamole. no me gusta jaja

3- a specific color that gives you the ick? tbh nothing really specific comes to mind. i guess my least favorite colors are like.... desaturated pinks.

5- favorite form of potato? i like potato skins with cheese, bacon, green onion... or just a lot of butter. i love mashed when its smooth but solid, with the skins, salt and butter.

7- what animal do you look forward to seeing when you visit an aquarium? i like the cuttlefish and jellyfish a lot, but if there's a touch tank FUCK YEAH

9- do you have a skincare routine (and how many steps is it)? sort of, but i cant ever keep up with it. i use a non-comedogenic face wash for oily skin (cerave brand). i also use a prescription eczema cream when it flares up. im looking into prescription acne wash because my acne got so bad on hrt

11- anything from your childhood you’ve held on to? like, material? the only thing i kept on purpose was a cat plush named Tabitha. im sure my parents kept some stuff that idc about

13- first thing you’re doing in the purge? getting gussied up and slaying, obvs

15- rank the methods of death: freezing, burning, drowning idk. i hear the least to most painful is drowning, freezing, then burning, but idk, i think if i had to choose one for myself it'd be burning. drowning is supposed to be kinda peaceful but i loathe being underwater. freezing is probably pretty slow and also i hate being cold. with burning, its definitely not boring and i think youd probably pass out from pain or lack of oxygen in a couple minutes anyway.

17- an anxious compulsion you do everyday? ok so. my entire existence is an anxious compulsion.

19- the veggie you dislike the most? hmmmm.... i p much like them all i think, but i guess peas when theyre overcooked and mushy are p gross.

21- a number that weirds you out? odd numbers with more than one digit that arent multiples of 3 or 5. except 13. best number.

23- do you wear jewelry? short answer yes. long answer, i have my multiple ear piercings and a claddaugh ring i wear 24/7 and occasionally i will throw on a necklace or bracelet. reminds me, i should change my earrings up soon. its been a while.

25- would you say you have good taste in music? objectively yes.

27- what’s your favorite or go-to outfit? black graphic t-shirt, cargo shorts, and boots. if its chilly, a hoodie on top.

29- preferred pasta noodle? cavatappi my beloved (also penne)

#ask game #about f0x

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lunarreaper-ut · 2 years

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Almost done with the Pokedex, just have to get the Legendary genies, Tornadus, Thundorus, Landorus, and the new fourth genie, Enamorus. Don't quite get why we got a fourth one there, but it’s alright. Just have to figure out how to start the quest that makes them available.

Then it's off to go fight Volo, who, spoiler, is apparently the Cyrus in this game, out of left field. Cause he's been either helpful or generally friendly throughout the game. I only found this out because I spoiled myself with seeing how difficult getting Arceus would be. He's the one who summons Giratina, after you battle him. He wants to use Arceus to make a new world, in which makes him have the same idea as Cyrus in Diamond/Pearl/Platinum.

What's even more interesting is that he uses the same team as Cynthia, the Sinnoh Champion(except Milotic because that pokemon isn't in this game). It's funny how this game plays opposite day with the characters who you could see as the ancestors of the more modern region, like Cyllene who looks almost exactly like a female Cyrus. She's cold and serious, but is kinda nice under that stoic face.

And Volo and Cynthia I guess also switched, in a sense.

Another cool thing that the game allows you to do, is catch pokemon outside of battles. Which is how I caught many pokemon, but this also worked out for the Legendary/mythical pokemon except for Regigigas, who I had to fight. I accidentally fainted it but the game said "you have to catch it, so try again." Cresselia was interesting to try catching, because I had to use inverted controls for moving, which I guess is the game's way of showing confusion. The thing is, I never knew the game did that, as that was the first time I ran into that mechanic. Still caught it anyway.

Getting closer to being able to catch Arceus, though!

Ooohhh it all sounds so neat! I hate inverted control mechanics, they always throw me for a loop and then when I get used to it it switches back XD

#I have only heard that people do not like Volo #and I can see why #You go fren!#You're doing great!

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prosebushpatch · 2 years

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How did the jailbreak in Jenny LeClue go? XD

SO GOOD CJ continues to be my fav of all time. AND ALSO I HAVE FINISHED AND IM STILL REELING SO HERE ARE MY Totally Coherent Thoughts

I still think Zazer is CJ, like especially now that we know we need to find Zazer. CJ IS ZAZER AND I KNOW THIS IN MY HEART. LIKE OF COURSE THE GUY RAVING ABOUT ALIENS WHO HAS A COMPASS POINTING TO ALL THE TRANSMISSION MACHINES IS THE PROFESSOR SAID TO HAVE GONE MAD FROM MERCURY POISONING. THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION I REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT.

THAT CLIFFHANGER THO. Okay so about halfway through the game I thought to myself, what if they come outta left field with a world changing reveal like in Professor Layton games? and never thought about that again until we found out the whole town *vanished* from the face of the earth. That sure explains the plaque at the beginning saying "Arthurton, you'll never leave!" I see that foreshadowing and I appreciate it.

The Dean is ALIVE!!! I had a feeling he would be, but the game did a good job of throwing me off with the narrative frame where Arthur had no idea what he was doing. Like up until the moment where Arthur was stress eating jam, I knew the Dean knew something was going to happen from when we interrogated him, but Arthur's panic did throw me off like "Oh... he's actually.... Really?" Which is interesting from a writing perspective in how they balanced that narrative frame and how Arthur was discovering the story with us. I like it a lot!

Richard is terrible and leaves me fuming :D But poor Arthur, I feel like he's just trying to buy time to save his beloved characters with that final choice in who gets zapped by the machine. I originally chose Jenny as a sort of "you won't do it, not to the mc" but then I went back into the scene selection and chose her mom (because im assuming the ray would send her to where the dad is and I couldn't send the Dean, like not after he just got the antidote, I can't do that to Keith.) BUT what was interesting was how when I chose Jenny, Arthur said something like "WHAT?! SINCE WHEN WAS SHE AN OPTION?" and begrudgingly accepted it, but when I went back and chose her mom, he said something like "Yes... this is the only way for it to end" I also did go back to the scene where you could choose the happy ending, wondering if that would be a whole chapter, but I just got a scene before Arthur was like "okay fine, this wont work" and goes back to the graveyard option anyway. This was really funny to me XD.

SO my save file says that I have seen 100% of the scenes but there's still collectibles that I missed. I'm going to have to look up how to unlock the new game plus because I worry I missed something. Now that we know where Jenny's dad is he.... is not... the man in black... *sheds a tear* but if that character is anyone then my guess is Suzie's mom. Or maybe one of the order of three? I will probably play again but I might try to pay attention to the animal imagery more.

Also all the mine sections? My heart ;_; OH THAT WAS ONE. I feel like I missed something because there's a whole blank page in the journal on like.... 35 or 36? but I found the letter from the miner to his daughter, Clara, I think? starts with a C. I have to figure out if we've met that character before because I think that was one of the moments I really wanted to see, where Jenny could give that person the letter from the miner. I don't think there's a way I could go back and find anyone, but might give that a more thorough look.

Also I just looked up suzie's parents' names and her dad is indeed named Richard, and if he ends up getting some just desserts in future story lines well wouldn't that just be something ✍(◔◡◔) I see you setting up that revenge, Arthur..... I think I know who inspired this character, Arthur......

And so, those are the most pressing thoughts I have at the moment. I will probably do a little more digging BUT WHAT A GAME its very good. Im very much looking forward to the sequel, presumably? But I def want to explore a lot of the different options more and see how things can shift!

BUT AHHH THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME ON THIS JOURNEY it was very fun and I am just enamored with that narrative frame where the author is basically doing everything to keep his characters safe while the editor(?) is just not even concerned with the characters or even art but more just the shock value that he thinks will sell. It's really interesting to see how these themes appear in the book too, like how Zazer constantly tries to tell the council of three that people matter more than progress and I don't mean to suggest that real lives can be that comparable to an author trying to keep his characters from being killed off, but I do appreciate how Jenny Leclue consistently values life in every aspect. But fhbvdfb I should stop rambling now BUT THANKS AGAIN <33333 it sure got me thinking

#rose and rambles #rosie's gaming log #anonymous #*lays on the floor thinking about stories*#very good #10/10 #will for sure play again #also making me want to go back to professor layton hfbvdhbv #side note but a while back i found out you can get all the original trilogy on the phone for pretty cheap #and i replayed curious village but still gotta do diabolical box and unwound future #hmmmm yes #i think that would be fun lets keep the puzzles rolling

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yaminerua · 6 months

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kind of reflecting on how random it was that after hearing The Beatles everywhere my whole life and just being like ‘yeah they’re ok I like a few songs’ for most of that time, it took until 2021 for some weird little switch in my brain to flip. Like suddenly they resonated on a completely different level and now I listen to them near daily at this point. Like how does that happen?

How do you spent years being kinda indifferent to then suddenly being consumed with obsession xD

I mean I know what happened but it’s still wild how deeply it became rooted and how fast

I guess it’s kind of like sometimes you have to be in the right space to listen to something, or be in a position where you need something specific that it’s able to give to you

2021 was awful for me bc my relationship had fallen apart and I was handling it about as well as someone who doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience handles it. By which I mean I was a bit of a wreck. I cried so much I genuinely fucked up my throat for several months lmfao

And all the old things I liked and enjoyed weren’t filling the void so I guess I needed something new to direct myself to

around that time, the reissue of George Harrison’s solo album All Things Must Pass was coming out and I listened to a few songs and the title track was like one of those songs that drops into your lap at precisely the moment you need it. It’s a simple premise: the idea that all things pass, both the good and bad. A sunrise doesn’t last all morning, but also a cloudburst doesn’t last all day. It’s not always going to be this grey.

I really needed that to feel true, that as much as things ached at the time, it would surely pass eventually, things would feel better in time. The sun would come back out again.

so I got really into listening to the rest of his music and discovered that I just really like his sound, and then I worked backwards to give The Beatles a proper listen now that I was in a space to be much more receptive to them and I know it’s popular to hate them and shit but man I do love their songs so very much.

Throwing myself into learning about them and all their messy ups and downs and listening to their music and taking up ukulele to try to turn my focus towards learning something really helped me get over the heartbreak and I’m thankful for that bc I dunno what else I’d have done with myself that year without all that.

But it also happened at a good time for Beatles content because the Get Back footage was coming out and there was plenty to distract myself with from that. And now they’ve taken the last unfinished demo John left behind that the rest of them worked on in the 90s and they’ve finished it and I got to buy a new Beatles single in 2023 and it has me feeling all kinds of way tbh

anyway sorry for so much beatleposting but I love these little freaks and their little tunes so much

#Sorry for beatleposting so much ;;;#their stuff just genuinely helped me through a rough time so I’m ridiculously sentimental about it all rn lol

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whatididtday · 7 months

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Sept 16/Saturday

I woke up at 7:30

Had amazing dosas as breakfast and studied

I purchased Scrimba pro subscription so I can study more, I'm giving myself 6 months to get ahead and get a job by the end of six month

Studied for two hours and added it in my calendar

I feel very interested in Front end and I really hope I keep loving it and make a career out of it

Wasn't able to sleep in the afternoon, skin feels itchy - probably because of the swimming and not showering propley after the day before lmao

Didn't feel like going to swimming but cause I pinky promised the kids at the pool I'll go, I went.

I reached the pool at 5:55 ish and got in the pool by 6:00

In fifiten minutes the fourth grader - Di came in the pool and said'' I didn't feel like coming today but as I promised you, I came''.

It was v sweet, she was saying stuff that kids say like counting the laps wrong lmao and clinging on to me. I still tried swimming propley and I did 13 rounds.

Stamina is p low but I swim fast

The second kid, Gi also came soon after and both were pushing me to play with them and not swim

Another kid joined in our smol circle , I didn't get get name propely but I am sure it started with S.

10 mins before 7, three of these kiddos asked me to play with them. Kids really do be playing the weirdest games, they said it's truth and dare but it was not really that xD

The rules were each player will ask five questions, and you'll have to give an answer that's not the truth (?) and do it fast, else you are disqualified.

They asked me the following questions : what's the color of your swimsuit, as it was blue and black, I had to say anything but those colors so I said red.

Then they asked me what's the color of the pool, what's the color of the shirt of the person on the right side out of the pool and when I turned to look they days no no you can't look and tell, you have to guess but if you guess right you are out xD kids be scary

Then they asked me my age xD anf I said 98 and they all gasped and said you are out, you can't tell your age!!! I died laughing, so kids think I'm 98 years old, like oof, I understand they are like 8-10 year old kids but still. Then I started joking that I'm so old like a Granma if I keep playing I might die if exhaustion as I'm 98 years old xD and they were like "no no you are not that old, you are very very young" in an attempt to not hurt my feelings and make me feel included

Kids are sweet, I've been terrified of them cuz they say some nasty stuff and yet are so fragile bit these kids were super sweet and it felt very nice. I never got to play much after I was 8 years old due to my dad getting transferred every three years due to his work, and thus I poured my life into books and school.

Now playing wuth these tiny kids feel like a part of smol me healing as she never got to play like this

I hope it also means that as the days go by I'll keep healing and experience all the happiness and love I've always wanted and needed.

After swimming they waited for me to get changed, I usually do not comb hair after swimming and drying my hair as anyways I'll go home directly and I don't care tbh, but cuz yday the tiny one was like Owo why you no comb hair, I got it and I combed and the tiny one was like wow sis you look very pretty after combing your hair, and looked at me with her wide eyes with so much awe, it made me feel very nice cuz the innocence of a child is unmatched.

Then the second kid Gi and I walked till she reached her home which is stones throw from the pool. On the way home, I saw many frogs and I couldn't help myself but try to catch one like a kid till I saw a group of ladies walking past me and I felt embarrassed and ran back home.

I was v excited to tell someone about this, the swimming pool thing, I knew I was going to video call with my partner at night anyways, but I couldn't wait so I told my mom about it and she laughed and said that kids are attracted towards nice soul, so you should be proud of yourself.

I made tea for myself after that anf I tried to get some study done but I couldn't

I was tired and I just didn't feel like doing anything so I played pogo and texted J (pardner) here and there

Then after dinner, we video called.

I told them the whole story about the swimming pool and they laughed, then they told they'll be staying at their holiday house with their fam tomorow and it made me a bit sad cuz if means tomorrow no videocalls and I feel very upset about being upset and it tbh. I didn't tell them that, I wished to talk longer but it wasn't possible as they were vvv sleepy.

I played Pogo the whole night till 3,then I discovered I got periods uwu.

I assure tons of chips in the sofa downstairs to cope lol.

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

Text

4/17/23

Today was one of those "didn't feel productive but actually was" days. I got 6 hours of sleep, which is getting a bit too normal. I'm so well acquainted with insomnia at this point that I can estimate how much sleep I've gotten based simply on how my body physically feels and the light color and level out my windows within about half an hour of accuracy. Not really sure I'm proud of that, but... it's a thing.

I played more Per Aspera after yoga. Trying to allow myself more dedicated recreation time since I've been hitting the animation shit really hard. But first... I set up the grow kits my brother got me for christmas. I have been waiting for almost 5 months to just get little fucking end tables to put plants on by my big windows. 5 fucking months, all because I was like... trying to make it a group thing, trying to make some room for family to actually be involved in my life. Ugh. Big fucking mistake. I had to throw out one of the kits, I didn't realize it was mushrooms and it 100% has been growing inside the box the whole time, I was supposed to open it immediately. It's okay, I'm not a huge mushroom fan anyway... The other two were cherry tomatoes and chilis, both I'm really excited about. And it turned out that the jars they come in fit okay on my windowsill, so I pulled the trigger and got them set up.

I got a shower in, and before going for a walk... I had to get dinner prepped. I had a whole plan today - I was going to prep some dough for from-scratch naan, then make from-scratch tzatziki sauce, and some package falafel and tomato to go with it. But the recipe I went with called for yeast in the dough, so I had to roll that and let it rise. So... I prepped and rolled that and let it do its thing while I went for a walk.

I got out there pretty late, it was already starting to get dark. I sorta speed-walked down the river trail outside my window out to where it ends, then looped back, and decided to go under the bridge and explore that way this time. It wasn't much, it was like a 15-20 minute walk, but it was really nice to get the blood pumping, got a sweat going even. Music makes it much easier. I don't mind hiking in the woods with just the sounds of nature, and I can just talk to myself or sing or whatever. In the city, it's just so fucking loud. But the earbuds help a lot, and it's really good for my head to be getting more music in my life.

The past like 5-10 years there's been a huge uptick in time consuming narrative stuff - YouTube, Twitch, miniseries', podcasts, etc. And with that came a big downtick in time consuming music. So... I guess I'm working on evening out that ratio. My newest listens have been... Dance Gavin Dance's "new" album, though I have only given it one listen so far... I'm getting back into Veil of Maya, I've always really liked their False Idol album but I never really gave it the time or attention it deserved, so I'm giving it some now. I hope to soon be able to go back to Matriarch, that was when I was getting really into them, I was all about their new (at the time) singer... but... it was a really dark time in my life. Right when I moved into the pond house that was supposed to be my house with my ex, and then was our house, and then was complicated and stupid and sketchy, and then wasn't. At the time, I was using google maps and whatever historical documentation I could drum up to make a real-scale replica of the entire complex of Chichen Itza in Minecraft. I.e. not just the Temple, but like... the entire place. I made a lot of progress on it. Just... one of many huge scale projects that just... never went anywhere... that I was working on endlessly alone that no one else seemed to really care about and that never got finished. Yay. XD But, honestly, the album just reminds me of that time of my life and the fights, and winter, and sitting on the floor in my bedroom playing games and waiting for my ex to get off of work. Or wondering if she was actually intending on moving in with me? I don't even remember the timeline anymore. Regardless, not good memories, tough emotions.

But honestly... in the next couple years, I really want to reclaim a lot of music like that. I mean that. I really feel like it would be good to have emotional support available for that, but it's been a goal for a while. I need to reclaim Matriarch, ERRA's Drift album, Periphery III. I guess that's good enough for now.

God, how did I get onto this? Earbuds. Yeah, listening to music while walking. Yeah, so that's been good.

So I got back and rolled the dough, made the falafel mix, made the tzatziki sauce, cooked the naan on the frying pan, then fried the falafel. It took forever but the food was great, very filling. Though... the dough was very yeasty tasting. I don't remember naan tasting like yeast, and this was like... really yeasty. But yeah, probably not the end of the world, nothing to be obsessively worried about, just something to take note of for the future.

I tried working on the animation stuff a bit more. It... really frustrated me and I had to close out of it after a bit. It was just... upsetting. The grease pencil keeps clipping when rendering and looking bad, the massive amount of paths all set to Divide blend mode end up causing an effect I wasn't really intending... which... I don't really know if I like? So... yeah. I'm still working out the kinks and just really didn't have the patience for it today.

I need to get this idea out of my head, it's been nagging literally all day long, and last night too. I keep getting moss. Over and over and over. Moss, moss, moss. By getting, I mean inspiration calling, whatever you want to call it. I don't know exactly what to do with this, because I have too many ideas. The first and most focused was to grow it indoors. In my head, I picture something like an open terrarium, like a terrarium with super low walls, and gravel and some very basic soil and a stream running through it, circulating by using the water pump from my cat's old fountain. And moss growing in there. That idea has been calling me for months. It would be such a cool idea. Like an indoor zen garden. Even if it doesn't have a water feature it would be cool. Oh... snap. Okay. So... if the water is what's throwing me off and stopping me from doing this... Hmm...

See, part of me wanted to do the water feature so that... the entire thing would be self-sufficient. It would water itself. I mean, I'd have to replenish the water periodically, but like... you know. But... I don't mind watering. I have my orchid and my succulents and they've been doing great. I have a watering chore I need to do now with the tomato and chili plants. So... this is doable. And moss should be like... ridiculously low maintenance. Like... moss will grow on fucking rocks, it needs so goddamn little to survive. And it's really pretty and cool. So... I'm tempted to do mini indoor zen gardens. I just need to find a good container to do that in... something that won't fall apart when it gets wet, because I will have to water this thing.

The other idea I had... and this one is actually really cool, check this out. So... I've been playing Per Aspera, which is all about terraforming Mars. And... it's been absolutely enthralling. This whole concept of spreading life, growing, creating an ecosystem. It's a concept that's been super resonant with me the past 2 years in winter/spring. Big surprise in Spring, right? XD

So the idea I have is... to find a section of the woods out by the nature trails. Slightly off trail but not too far. Removed enough, but noticeable if you're looking for it. And to clear the dead leaf layer on the ground and start seeding a moss garden. And let it grow on its own. Collecting moss from other areas and transplanting it in a very deliberate area, maybe in a shape.

The more recent update to this has been a pretty cool image flash. I was seeing a central circle with multiple points inside, like an 8-pointed star. That's just the number that came up. And then at the points, there are circles that radiate outward, incrementally smaller, in line with the points. And the circles are raised stone circles, with a bed of moss in each one. I'm not sure what happens with the middle. I like the idea of doing design earthwork with a living element, it's something I haven't really gotten to. All of my earthwork stuff so far has basically been stone and water. I haven't really added life to it yet. I like the idea.

So yeah, really glad to have inspiration striking. It just... can be very tempting to drop everything with the really frustrating project I'm working on now and just... go head-first into that one. And... I still have to finish the hoodie backpiece. So... one foot in front of the other, one thing at a time.

A little Zen garden inside would be really nice to like... go and play with to chill out my anxiety, though. Just sayin.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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pepsiwriteswords · 2 years

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🖊 + for whichever oc you'd like to talk about! :3c

!!!! :D

Okay! I thought I wanted to talk about Orym bc I love per so much but. Apparently I can only ramble to myself or in a discord chat. xP So. I'm gonna scroll through my WIPs and just ... pick.

You get: Whatever words come out about Distant Light's minor/supporting characters! (so, way more characters than 1 pen emoji, whoops. xD)

We've got Jax's crew, Serenity's team (assuming I ever get around to naming any of them), and I guess Jaylon should have at least a couple colleagues to mention/think about, huh? xP

So! (going under a cut bc ofc it got long, I decided to talk about so many characters, and didn't even get around to Jay's potential colleagues. xD)

Prism Crew: Erendiz (ey/em or it/its), Yildiz (she/they), Zesiro (he/she/they), and Test_0374 (it/its). ^^ Erendiz & Yildiz are siblings, named so purely because the names mean Jupiter & star respectively & it seemed fitting for sci-fi. xP (also, fun fact: deciding to give Erendiz it/its pronouns is what made me try them out for myself and uh, huh. xP) Zesiro is the eldest person on the ship & has a sibling of their own, though we won't be meeting them in the book. (I haven't even named them or anything. I just know They Exist xP) Test is the ship's AI, and is named Test for 2 reasons: 1) I am a lazy bitch who doesn't know science or technology terms & didn't want to spend a year trying to come up with a workable acronym, and 2) Jax is its creator and they are also a lazy bitch who didn't want to name an AI until it worked, and by the time it did (presumably attempt #374 lol), they were attached to 'test' & it stuck. Erendiz is covered in freckles, knows how to throw knives, can set fire to anything, & is the other computer genius-type on the ship. Yildiz dyes her hair blue - sometimes the ends, sometimes halfway up, sometimes all the way, it varies. But it's always blue. She's the sharpshooter, and she's ace so she might not fuck the cosmic horror but she'll absolutely try to romance it. Zesiro ... might be a cyborg. or something. I dunno, I saw a cool picture & brain said 'ooh, DL' & everything except the Main 3 & the aliens are very malleable right now. xP knows how to use a gun, prefers some kind of sword. bc Cool. nonbinary lesbian, usually playing Voice of Reason bc everyone else is like. 23, max and she is Tired. & Test! I love the idea of Test, but I haven't quite figured out what kind of AI I want it to be. Like. No 'taking over the world/sending all the humans out the airlock' kinda plot line here; we're sticking to the aliens, but. outside of it throwing Shayde & Malle under the bus as soon as they step on board, I haven't got much for it as a character of its own. Also it will probably threaten to start building itself a body to physically make Jax be a reasonable human being, but idk. xD I got Really Attached to these guys immediately after creating them, but then the inability to stick to one project came back around to bite me & the antagonist polycule took over my brain, so like. I've got nothing for them now. ;_;

The Aeris crew! They're a medical team! Funded by the gov't/one of the Main 3's family. This is another area where my knowledge is ... less than fuzzy & I haven't even started on research-type tasks bc I managed like. 2 personal rambles about the Main 3 & my brain went 'cool, cool, you're gonna think about BP now, and ooh, look at that prompt over there!' and what can I do but roll with the motivation? Anyway! I'm gonna say there are ... hmm, what's a reasonable number ... maybe 10 medical professionals total, but I'm only gonna name like. 3. because this cast is already Big & I get attached way too easily, apparently. xD So Imma just throw some names down on here & see what I can come up with. Morana, bc according to this thing it means death/illness & I like the thought of like ... I dunno if any of your teachers at school had you do this, but one of my language arts teachers in middle school had us look up the meanings of our names. I don't remember why. Anyway, I like the thought of this like, 12-year-old seeing 'death, illness' and thinking something along the lines of 'no, I don't think I will' & going on to be the exact opposite. I could probably come up with some very angsty backstory things to justify this name but we're just gonna move on lol Saren, bc I've been looking at names for a long time now & it's after midnight so. Name. Liable to change, except for how it probably never will now bc I said that. XD Went to do medical stuff in space bc ... potentially shady reasons. bc why not. Make everyone shady! Oh wait, shit, maybe -- no, wait - well. Well. Hm. might have a 'loyal to the Wrong Side except for in this one specific case' kinda deal happening here. >.> & ... Chayim. Again, bc I've been looking at names for a While. xP But also bc according to a thing it means life and, well. I have 'death/illness' up there, so why not lol. probably went to space to make First Contact, just to find out someone beat them to it. xD

...Okay. It's after midnight & I am tired. I quite literally forgot about Jay's potential colleague(s) until I scrolled back up to add the read more. xP I hope this isn't terrible-awful-difficult to read; I just didn't want a gazillion-mile long post & the way tumblr does its spacing bothers me T_T I will ... maybe remember to take notes on Reni's team at work later & might even decide on a Jaylon colleague or two xP. Or maybe I'll forget all about all this & try to figure out UWKM stuff again. Who knows? Not me!

Okay, bed. XD

0 notes

theredarrowsystem · 2 years

Text

Hey there! North here (I’ll sign my messages like this: ~ ❄️)

I should warn you, this post is a very long one 😅 we tend to be very thorough with things. I’ll try to make a shorter version after I finally post this.

After doing a lot of research, I’m starting to suspect that what I thought were personas I made to understand myself better are actually alters. I have suspected for awhile that I had alters, but thought that since I never had amnesia or blackouts (at least as far as I’m aware) just emotional detachment, and a feeling that those memories happened to another person. Now we believe we're an OSDD 1b system.

I decided to make this system blog so we can explore our individual identities. This is an introduction post where I’ll introduce each of the alters, including myself.

My name’s North, I guess I’m kind of a host? Though I don’t know if I feel comfortable referring to myself as a host because even though I’m the one fronting most of the time, I think I only existed for about a year, and for most of that time I’ve been working with the others to run the body. So I’m not really the host, but it’s easier to say that than to explain that I’m usually fronting but the others help me.

I’m still figuring out who I am, but here’s a Picrew that I think looks like me.

I’ve made many different Picrews of myself, so it changes, but usually what stays the same is having elf years, double buns with my hair parted in the middle, and clear pale skin. Sometimes I have blue eyes, sometimes I have gold eyes (the body has hazel eyes) and I change between plus sized (the body is plus sized) and the ‘traditional feminine body’ (its hard to find a variety of plus sized Picrews and other things for designing ones appearance).

I’m a Demi girl, I use She/They pronouns, and tend to shift between feminine and androgynous traits. My colour scheme is usually blue/grey/white/cream, and I like to wear loose, comfortable, and graceful clothing. I enjoy writing, learning, exploring, interacting with the world around me, listening to music, and spending my time online. I’m still figuring out my sexuality, it’s hard when I’m influenced by the other alters. I think I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum, and I tend to be attracted to women or Nonbinary people. For now my identity is abrosexual. I am Autistic, as is the entire system, and I have ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression.

Now I’ll have someone else come into co-consciousness or front with me so they can help with/type their introduction.

~ ❄️

Hey, Rose here. (I'll sign my posts with ~ 🥀) I usually just come to the front when we're drawing or writing. Also I come into co-conciousness to tell North what to do sometimes lol. She's not a little but she might as well be, same maturity as the body (20) but still pretty naive. She has all our memories, kind of, but she's very detached from them.

Anyways, here's what I look like I guess.

Appearances change depending on the Picrew or whatever else, but usually long brown hair, brown or red eyes, a green dress with a corset, a frown or a smirk, and tanned freckled skin stays the same. Sometimes I might appear more masculine or androgynous (had to steal this from North's thing cause I forgot how to spell XD) I just felt more feminine when the Picrew was made.

I don't really have a role in the system, I'm just kinda here. I think North made me to help her on her whole figurine out who she is thing, but it's hard to tell. I usually help her with creative stuff, I'm also pretty resourceful and can suggest different ways to solve a problem. I doubt I've ever fronted on my own, I think I only front with someone else. Lucy and North usually help me with keeping things accurate or whatever. If it were up to me I'd throw grammar and rules out the window and just do what I want but the others think no one will know what I'm talking about if I do that so yeah.

I'm Genderfluid, so I use She/They/He pronouns (I'll specify when I post), and I identify as bisexual. I like playing Minecraft, drawing, reading, writing, listening to music, acting, theatre, designing, making things, and I'd really love to learn archery or sword fighting or things like that but the body doesn't have very good motor skills. My colour scheme is green, white, red, brown, and gold, and I usually carry a bow and arrow or a sword in the inner world.

Ight, I'm tired and that's everything I think so someone else can co front.

~ 🥀

Hello lovelies, Magie here.

I am very proud of my Picrew so I'll post it right away for you.

(The badge didn't come with the Picrew, I had Rose and North draw it for me. 😏)

I want to show it off but North says not to show the pic. 😒 Guess I have to stay on topic. 😔

Anywho, my hair is usually darker than in the Picrew, and has pink streaks in it, but I like it. Also my body is usually curvier and more feminine (more accurate to the system's body) but you win some you lose some. Oh, and my cat ears are usually fluffier, and leopard print like the sweater, and a darker pink. I also have a cat tail that's quite soft if you'd like to feel it 😉

I kid of course. The body doesn't have a tail so tragically you cannot feel it.

Anywho, my colour scheme has a lot of pink, purple, and bright colours. I like things to pop! I also love to wear comfy clothes and I love to be warm and cozy! For formal occasions I'm a sucker for a big a** ball gown.

I used to be a host, believe it or not. They decided I was too 'risky' to have fronting though 😒 I'm too much for people, too extreme. 🙄

The others would like me to add the disclaimer that I have a nasty little habit of pushing people away then having mental breakdowns and making reckless decisions because I become desperate for human interaction or what not

But hey doesn't everyone?

Look, all I want is to find true love, a soulmate to live happily ever after with.

Unfortunately, humanity is full of s*** and everyone just hates us automatically. So, if we're too extreme on purpose, at least we know what the hell everyone's problem is.

The others are telling me to get back on track. 😤 (Been waiting to use that emoji in my little rant so it's going here)

Fine then. I use all pronouns but He/Him, She/They are default but I wouldn't mind it if you used Neopronouns or it/its. I'm Pansexual, and a hopeless romantic.

Oh, silly me, I forgot to tell you how I'll sign my name. ( ~ 🌸 Magie Magic)

Now, back to our

✨ regularly scheduled program ✨

I started out as the host when the body was 13/14. I was replacing the old host because this world was too much for her, and I was sort of out for vengeance. I mean, can you really blame me? Well, you don't know the details, but still 🥺

The Mediator (you'll meet her later) kept a close eye on me to make sure I wouldn't get us into any trouble, and was there to help me navigate things. Course, I didn't know yet I was an Alter, I just started to become way more fed up with the world than normal, and at the same time, more desperate to be loved and accepted for who I really am.

I crashed and burned a lot, so the Mediator created Lucy (you'll meet her later) to reel me in more. Lucy and I agree on one thing, the world being broken and stupid, but on literally everything else we seem to be at war with each other. Lucy always has a stick up her a**. We were co-hosts through High School, but then that mean ol' control freak took over and forced me to stop fronting.

Oh hey this is a good place for the emoji: 😤

Like, can you believe that? The nerve. We were supposed to be working together.

Then that b**** burnt herself out ☺️

So now we have North.

I like North, she's really nice, and makes everyone feel included! 🥰

Lucy and Rose think she's a pushover, but hey better a pushover than a dictator like Lucy 😒

I think I said everything, right?

Lemme just scroll to make sure...

I haven't shared my interests like the others did, Lucy and North don't want me to. 😔

But I'll do it anyways 😁

Cause 🎵They don't own me🎶

Don't worry I'll keep it 'appropriate' and 'serious' 🙄

No war crimes included! 😁 /j

I enjoy role playing, dressing up, pretending to be animals (especially a cat), listening to stories, flirting, watching people's drama, messing with people, paying attention to politics (our lives kinda depend on that thing), playing Genshin Impact, Undertale, and other video games (but I like to play video games the 'wrong way' where I just do what I want and give characters aesthetically pleasing items.), playing games in general really (and whatever Lucy tells you I totally don't cheat. 😉), advocating for Human Rights (especially disabled rights) and lots of other things too.

I think that's everything! It was lovely to meet you!

~ 🌸 Magie Magic

I shall go next, so that you can better understand mine and Magie’s story. In case you need it spelt out for you, I am Lucifer, otherwise known as Lucy Fern, or simply Lucy. (I sign my name as ~ 🔥 Lucifer

I identify as a gender nonconforming Demi woman. I use She/They pronouns. I believe I’m somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum, but it’s hard to tell whether the system’s feelings for anyone in the past have been my own or another alter’s, so I may be incorrect. I personally would prefer to have a life without romantic or sexual relationships, it’s more stress than it’s worth as far as I know.

Magie believes that I was created to keep her in line, and while that has been one of my many jobs, I believe I was created around the same time she was. I was the host that replaced Tasha (our body’s name and the ‘original host’ and Magie was an unfortunate side effect of our trauma.

Technicalities aside, I was the host before North. I was too burnt out due to many issues in my life occurring at the same time to be a host, so I became a guide for the new host. North. I believe I have done well at guiding North. I do, however, feel regret for passing onto her the wreckage that my time as host ended in. However I believe we are finally starting to move on from that.

I am currently trying to guide the System to living a healthier, more independent life. Unfortunately, North likes to include everyone. So I can only get us so far with my goals. Lisa, my sister, who you’ll meet after I’m done, is helping me with the goals for healthy living, so at least that is covered.

My colour scheme is red, white, gold, dark blue, and black. Here is a few references for my appearance.

(These images aren’t entirely accurate, the Picrew was made with Rose’s help but it does capture the vibe I had back when I was a host. (I was a teenager then. I have matured since.) The Gacha character is more accurate to my current appearance, but again is flawed due to Rose’s input.)

This image, however, is more accurate. It could use a few updates, however, since it was made with the idea of myself being a ‘side’ of Tasha rather than an alter. Specifically, her logical side. We also weren’t aware at the time that there were rules with the design of Gacha characters.

My hair is usually either short and loose or long and pulled into a ponytail. My eyes are usually red or brown. I used to have horns but I got those removed so that North would feel less intimidated by me.

Rose would like me to note that the others find me intimidating regardless.

North doesn’t feel comfortable assigning us ‘system roles’ because she considers us all to be our own people and none of us should be required to serve the system in one specific way. However, if you asked my opinion, I believe that;

- I am a protector and gatekeeper

- Lisa is a caretaker and gatekeeper (she is also the system’s leader

- I’m not sure what role Brianna (who you’ll meet later) would have. I believe she was created due to the fact that Magie and I were pushing people away. Her goal is usually to make sure we maintain friendships. I have yet to know if there’s a title for that.

- Austin (who you might not meet but I’m sure North will inform you who he is) is an avenger, possibly an introject? He is sourced from someone who caused a negative impact on our lives, however whether or not that source contributed to our trauma is debatable. Others in the system may disagree, of course. Though if introject doesn’t necessarily need to be an abuser or causer of trauma, just a real person, then both Austin and Brianna are likely introjects. I’m sure Brianna will explain what I mean by that.

- Teresa (again, you won’t meet her in this post, but she’ll likely be mentioned.) is most certainly a trauma holder. There’s also four fractures of Tasha, one age 3, one age 9, one age 10, and one age 13. dormant personalities that serve to hold the memories of the ‘original host’.

- Magie is a persecutor (she may disagree, but this is my opinion.)

- Rose is a… Well, to be honest, I’m not sure. Like North she hasn’t been here as long as the rest of us have. I suppose she’s a host as well? We’ll have to look into that.

- Stacy (who you’ll meet later) is a protector, I believe she’s the combination of two alters that are now dormant. A protector named Penny, and a persecutor that we don’t remember the name of, we just know it started with a K.

- And then of course North is the current host. She doesn’t agree, but again this is my opinion.

Now, to describe the things I enjoy. I enjoy analyzing the world around me and the inner world, analyzing fictional characters and the stories they reside in, watching tv, working on projects, working on self improvement, working alone, achievement, competitive activities, and productive activities. I’m the one that makes sure things get done, which… Is causing Lisa to suggest I may also be a caretaker…

Perhaps, but I’m definitely not skilled at comforting people like my sister is.

As for clothing, when I was a host I usually just put in whatever was easiest. I didn’t care as much about our appearance as Magie did. For formal clothing, however, I’ve always enjoyed suits, or anything that makes us look professional. I did, however, often have to compromise with Magie when we were hosts.

I believe that should be anything.

~ 🔥 Lucifer

Hello my darlings! Lisa here. I’m not sure if I’ll be talking much here, I’d prefer to help from behind the scenes, but North does want us all to express ourselves, so I’ll try my best! I’m not sure how I’ll sign my name. Lisa is a name the ‘original host’ gave me, but I also go by The Mediator, Mother, and other titles. Perhaps “Love, Mother 💖” could be how I sign them. Or perhaps a simple “~ Lisa” would do. I might not sign things I post unless the others ask me to, but if I do I’ll make sure you know it’s me. ☺️

I am one of the oldest alters, both in maturity (I’m in my late thirties despite the body being twenty) and in time being here (I believe I was the first alter created. The ‘original host’ needed someone more mature and reliable than the people in her life to guide her in childhood. At first I believe I was more of an imaginary friend, but due to traumatic experiences I became an alter. I have always helped Tasha to manage her emotions, imaginary friends, ‘alter egos’, daily tasks, and other things. That’s why they call me the Mediator.

I use She/Her pronouns, and identify as a cis woman. I am a trans ally, of course. As for sexuality, I’m not sure. I’ve always been more focused on platonic and familial connections, especially connections with the system, and I only front to provide self care for the body or to comfort whoever else is fronting when they need it. I’ve never thought about my sexuality, but I don’t think it’s necessary to. Perhaps I’m aro/ace.

I enjoy animals, creating/designing areas within the inner world, spending time with children, spending time with my family (the system), singing, dancing, listening to calming music, and listening to the other’s stories. I hope that the system will be a parent one day, but North and Magie are neutral to the idea (leaning towards okay with it), Rose and Teresa are also neutral but believe we wouldn’t be capable as a parent, Lucy, Stacy, and Austin are against it. Brianna’s the only one that’s all for the system being a parent one day, so we’ll see. I know Tasha wanted to be a parent one day, but she’s sadly dormant now.

Oh, I almost forgot, here is what I look like!

My appearance is the most consistent in the system. I’m tall, somewhere between skinny and plus sized, I have long wavy black hair, and brown eyes. I like wearing medieval styled dresses, and I try my best to keep my appearance warm and comforting in any way I can! My colour scheme is lavender, maroon, brown, red, purple, black, and gold or silver accents.

I think that’s everything about me, dears. While I may not post often, unless it’s to reblog things I think you’d all like, I’m more than happy to talk to any of you if you’d like! Just know that the system is my priority. If anything anyone says or does is hurtful to my family, we will make sure to block you. I hope there are no hard feelings, but it’s important to protect ourselves.

I look forward to getting to know you, and for you to get to know us!

Love, Mother 💖

Hullo everybody! I’m Brianna!

It’s wonderful to meet you all! How are you? Let me know in the comments!

That is, if you made it this far. This post is really really long 😅

I’ll try to keep this short and sweet for you guys, okay?

Even though there’s lots about me to tell, I’m sure I can always tell you guys another time!

So, Lucy said earlier I might be an interject. We read somewhere that interjects are alters that come from abusers, but we’ve also seen the word used for alters that are just based off real people, I think.

I guess I’m kinda a mix of an interject and a fictive in that case? Maybe? I’m based off of a friend we had named Brianna when we were little, but my appearance is based off of a humanize version of our comfort item. Our comfort item is a beanie baby bunny that we named Bunny! Rose probably never would allow such a name now but we were… Hmm… I dunno how old because we remember everything from six to nine as happening when we were nine and everything we remember before that we remember happening when we were three. Somewhere between 3 and 9, so uncreative names can be forgiven.

Shoot, I rambled didn’t I? I promise I am trying to keep this short.

This is what I look like, only I usually have pigtails.

I am bisexual and one of the other alters is my girlfriend! You’ll meet her after me. 🥰

I love stuffed animals, role playing, hanging out with friends, going to new places, meeting new people, tea parties, dancing, and singing! I wish we could do professional dancing, figure skating, and/or gymnastics because I would love to do that, but the body has a difficult time with that and we don’t have the money for classes, which is sad, but like Rose I can just do that stuff in the inner world.

My colour scheme is aqua marine and pink. That’s about it, I’m a simple girl. 😊

Alright! I hope I kept this short enough for you! I hope you have a really amazing day, and if you don’t, that’s okay too! Be patient with yourself, Lisa says that’s really really important!

~ Brianna 🐇🐬🦋🐦🦕🪺 (Okay I have to stop there are too many amazing emojis)

Oh I didn’t say how I’d sign my name

Maybe just “~ Brianna 💙”

No that’s too dark of a blue.

Oh well I’ll figure it out. Maybe a different emoji every time? I’ll still sign it Brianna.

Okay, now I’m done for good this time.

~ Brianna 🐰

North here,

Stacy has more severe anxiety than the rest of us, so she’s probably not going to give as much information as the others have.

Just thought you should know!

~ ❄️

Uh… Hi?

I really don’t know why we’re doing this…

Uh… I’m Stacy…

I like quiet spaces and sitting on the couch doing nothing.

I don’t like crowds or drama or conflict or anything like that.

I try not to get in the way though.

Uh… North says I should tell you what I look like.

Don’t worry she’s not forcing me, just…

Well she’s kinda forcing me…

More peer pressure than forcing?

Uh… Anyways…

Here.

This Picrew’s kinda accurate, except I wear a beanie.

I probably look the most different from the body out of all the alters… There’s a reason for that but I won’t go into it.

I like the aesthetic of the city but I’d rather die than live there.

I like making mood boards, talking to the other alters, listening to the others talk or sing or whatever, spending time with the system… uh… My job is usually to get us out of bad situations and cut people off if needed.

So, yeah... that’s me.

Colour scheme dark blue and black, I kin Virgil from Sanders Sides, I have two Moms that were also alters and are, like, dormant now I think? Idk. Oh, and I enjoy coffee and memes.

North says I’ve done enough so I’m going now. Bye.

~ Stacy 🏙

North here again! That’s everyone that’s usually active. There’s also two alters that aren’t dormant that usually stay in the headspace. There’s Austin, he’s based off of a very close friend in our childhood that turned against us. That’s a story for another day of course. He might post here but not as often as the others. Then there’s Teresa, who we can’t really let front because the body enters a severe depressive episode when she fronts, but we can still talk to her without there being any problems. She might post vent posts here if she does post anything, we’ll see what happens and how safe the system feels on this account.

I’m hoping that by writing about this and talking about it with others we can all understand ourselves and each other more, and maybe find a way to balance out our contradicting goals. At first I was very hesitant to identify as a system, I was saying things that people had said to dismiss us in the past, and afraid that I might be faking it or wrong and I might be invading a community I don’t belong in. However the more research I did and the more I thought about it, the more I believe that is the case! We are an OSDD 1b system, which explains the way I view our memories, the way I talk to/about myself, the way we work through problems, and so much more!

Thanks to things like Inside Out and Sanders Sides, we were able to get a pretty decent understanding of each other and we managed to communicate really well with each other. However, it was always with the idea that we were all parts of Tasha, which now I’m realizing isn’t the case at all. We all have very contradicting goals and personalities, so it now makes a lot of sense why we always had so much trouble understanding our identity and what ‘Tasha’ wanted from life. Because we aren’t just one person.

I’m really excited to learn and grow more with the others, and to share my experiences with others who may be interested in them! I hope you’ll be patient with me though since many of us tend to overshare and infodump, so this blog will probably have a lot of long posts 😅

We might try reading posts out loud and put them on YouTube as well, but I don’t want to put too much pressure on the system and most of us are better at writing than communicating face to face.

Writing this post has already helped us a lot to understand each other’s goals, histories, and perspectives, I’m hoping we’ll continue to grow from here!

I’m repeating myself a lot so I should probably end the post here. Welcome to the blog!

#osdd 1b #osdd system #system #alters #introducing myself #long post #infodump #osdd

0 notes

rodneymckays · 2 years

Note

I know someone will have asked this already by the time I send this, but John Sheppard for the character meme you just posted. XD

BAHAH nope! u were the first <3

favourite thing about them

how he cares so deeply about his friends, but is physically incapable of verbalizing it in any way 😭 his emotional repression should not be this compelling, and yet. i find myself analyzing his every microexpression in scenes because i want to see inside that crazy head of his.

least favourite thing about them

hmmmmmmm. if i have to say anything, i think it might be the way he acts offworld sometimes. we talked a bit about it on the podcast, but when he tries to act charming, it comes off very, uhh, snake oil salesmany. if i were a pegasus native, i wouldn't trust him as far as i could throw him 😂

favourite line

"I'm a worrier."

brOTP

oh, so many. but if i have to pick, i'd say john & teyla. i love that their bonding time is teyla beating him up with sticks :'))) and how, when he's having an emotion, he tries his best to talk it out with her. and even tho he fails miserably, she understands what he means anyway :') oh, and that she calls him out when he's being an ass.

OTP

john & rodney; bing and bob of the stargate universe. “I guess in my own way, I sorta love you,” is the sentiment underlying all of their interactions. also, the taking turns saving each others lives thing. and rodney bringing out the nerd in john. and the way their relationship is so subversive? u would think the nerd character would be panting over the jock, just happy to have a friend like him, but with john and rodney, i feel like rodney has a lot more power over john than even he realizes (thinking trinity and miller's crossing) and i love that.

nOTP

i can't really see john with anyone but rodney, romantically speaking. but if i had to pick one i'd say john/teyla? painting their interactions in a romantic light kinda cheapens their friendship for me.

or maybe john/wraith? i kno there are some cool parallels there and usually im pro monsterfucker, but in this case? just can't do it BAHAHA.

random headcanon

he was raised in a conservative catholic household. this may raise some eyebrows, but i see it in his GIGANTIC guilt/martyr complex. i have never seen a character more willing to die for others at the slightest provocation. also, the way all the alien's that read his subconscious say that he "tortures himself every day" over what he perceives to be personal failures screams catholic guilt to me. that, and his biggest fear is himself. not to mention, that boy does not know how to function when he's being hugged. casual intimacy does not seem to be in his lexicon, outside of actual sex.

also, he had feelings for holland, but was content to go the rest of his life never saying anything or doing anything about it. something to acknowledge about himself once, then bury and try to never think about again. but then holland died. so it didn't matter anymore, anyways. (in vegas, john had feelings for the nurse he disobeyed orders to try and save and PARALLELING THAT WITH IN CANON EVENTS RE: HOLLAND'S BOTCHED RESCUE ARE JUST TOO GOOD TO RESIST)

unpopular opinion

he's not as shallow/boring as he's perceived to be. this is definitely not an unpopular opinion on the sga side of tumblr at least, but of the stargate fandom at large, definitely.

song i associate with them

johnny cash's solitary man goes without saying. but definitely heropsychodreamer by live. oh, and stereo by the watchmen. OH, and superhero by ani difranco. if ur interested in more, u can listen to my sheppard inspired playlists here & here. with another one in the works alksjdhfasfd i know, im insane.

favorite picture of them

i know this is joe BUT. its giving sheppard vibes.

taggin' @alfredspennyworths as well, who also asked for john <3 thank u!! i love talking about him bahah

send me more characters!

#asks

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tipsydipsydo · 3 years

Text

Der Geliebte

Pairing: Jungkook x artist! Reader

Gender of the Reader: female

Word Count: 6.4k

Rating: 16+

AU: non idol! Jungkook x artist! Reader AU!

Genre: strangers to lovers AU; friends to lovers AU! (idiots to lovers AU!); love at the first sight! AU; soulmate to lovers! AU (kinda?); unbelievable amount of fluff; a little angst (fluffy angst!!,); tiny amount of smut (one paragraph xD)

Warnings: tiny bit of smut/some sexual tension between both of them; Jungkook is a poor shy thing and is fucking nervous around the reader all the time; teeth rotting fluff; both are so in love with each other that they’re getting stupid to not realize it; both are insecure that they’re not meant for another... just fluff, fluff, fluff and painfully obvious pining over each other!

A/N: Hallelujah, I finally did it! After I made Sibi @borathae wait over three months for her Christmas + Birthday Fanfic I finished it two weeks to late for my sweetest Darlings Birthday! I am so incredibly sorry that I made you wait for such a long time and really, Sweetie, you have all the rights to be still mad at my stupid ass! Nevertheless... I love you so goddamn much and I hope the fic made at least a little bit up for it... Love you!!!! 💕 💕

Summary: You and Jungkook met right at the first day you opened your own atelier in Seoul after you had to leave your old home behind you. You love paint canvas with landscape motives, other people just roll with their eyes when they hear that you choose such usual, almost boring things to paint. Not so Jungkook, he seems to be different than most of visitors. It’s almost like he can read your feelings through your paintings...

Status: Edited (I am sorry for any still existing errors in here!)

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I’ll not accept any kind of reposting, stealing or using/editing my work!

That includes reposting my content on other social media platforms too, even when you link me as the original author.

Thank you.

* Jungkook’s POV *

"In what are you getting yourself into, Jungkook?"

I quietly ask myself as I get rid of my clothes behind the paravent and throw the dressing gown over his body which you laid out for me. My hands are sweaty, they tremble slightly and my heart beats wildly, as if it wants to jump right out of my chest. Excitement spreads throughout my body, leaving a faint feeling in my stomach and a certain blush rises in my cheeks. I still can't believe what I've gotten myself into . But... you looked at me so pleadingly with your dear and downright innocent eyes that I would have done anything for you with that look of yours. I want to make you happy, see that happy and contented smile on your lips, which always makes a whole horde of wild butterflies break out in my belly. 'Normally I was the shyness and silence in person and with you... with her, I feel for the first timesomething like peace and security. Especially when I consider how shy I usually am around women.', I ask myself and I don't really know the answer to that. But what can I do against my feelings? I don't really know, on the one hand they scare me, on the other hand they feel so exciting and new that I don't want to eliminate them at all.

I don't even know exactly when the whole thing started. In which moment my feelings for you grew, when I felt more than just fascination and admiration for you and your artwork. Six months ago, a small studio had opened in my district, your own studio. On the day of the opening I simply went to it of pure curiosity, I had always had such a weakness for art and photography.

I can still remember exactly how I stood in front of one of your works and was literally speechless and overwhelmed by this picture and all his small details. This painting represents a classic image of the countryside, which was often to be found everywhere. But this work was different. So full of small details and ornaments. It was so much more... As a viewer you can see a beautiful clearing, which is surrounded by trees and protected from too many curious eyes. The ground of this clearing is overgrown with dense and lush green grass, which from the incoming sunlight almost invites you to let yourself fall into the grass. It reminds me instantly of my carefree childhood, when I rolled in it without overthinking my actions too much and those times when I playfully wrestled with my best friends around until our clothes had grass stains all everywhere. I could almost smell the scent of wild, untamed nature. The longer I look at the picture, the greater the longing became. Maybe I could visit this beautiful place one day, together with my partner, my significant other. Playing around with each other, chasing your beloved one until you fall into the grass breathless laughing and cuddling. Maybe we could have a picnic there and feed each other with homemade sweets?

I didn’t know that such a "simple" landscape painting could touch and awaken so much more in me, in my soul. Suddenly, such a wanderlust came over me that I gasped for air and a heavy lump formed in my throat. My whole body was tingling and my heart was literally screaming to get away from this dreadfully grey and monotonous daily routine of my boring single life, for at least some weeks. I want to go to this place, where I could draw the warm and fresh, natural air could deep into my lungs and pamper myself with homemade delicacies. Just to let the soul dangle and don’t stuck with my closely clocked work life. Maybe sleep until 10 o'clock in the morning and then maybe have a nice nap later. Enjoy the warm nights and hear the crickets chirping. This longing was... irrepressible. This particular wanderlust for nature, just to be out of the city, this longing for exactly this abandoned and untouched forest clearing literally overwhelmed me. What was it for an artist who could trigger such feelings and emotions in me?

I had been so absorbed in the artwork that I had not even noticed that a person step next to me. "Do you like the work?", asked a soft melodic voice, which spoke perfect Korean, but was pervaded by a light accent, which I could not quite assign. I flinched a little, but this bright, happy laugh gave me a tingling goosebumps all over my body. What a beautiful laugh... I turned to the person who was the owner of this beautiful voice. I was startled when I realized that the artist and owner of this studio was standing in front of me personally. I recognized her again, as I had seen a small photo of her in the newspaper article that drew my attention to this beautiful studio in the first place. Already in this picture she had radiated something so strong, colorful, cheerful and lively, which caused an excited flutter in my stomach.

I admit, I already laid an eye on her just by her appearance. Unfortunately I always had a hard time getting to know people ever since, let alone to talk to women. And now having you, Y/N, personally standing right in front of me, made me feel fluffy and excited in my stomach. Nothing is left of this otherwise so sassy and self-confident man that I used to be. Only a nervous and stodgy twenty-three-year-old idiot, who did not know what to say or wanted to say, now stands in front of this stunningly pretty and intelligent woman.

Her eyes sparkles like jewels, full of joy, struck me with interest and a playful smile lays on her lips. "Did you not understand my question?", she asked kindly, but nobly reserved. Immediately a rosy puff settled on my cheeks and I stuttered nervously: "Y-Yes, excuse me! I... I was just somewhere else with my thoughts and was completely surprised that they were addressing me personally.... Your works are truly unique! They still show such ‘usual’ motifs and yet they are so special because of these finely elaborated details and this passion with which this work of art was painted. They really are... Unique artworks that you do not forget so quickly. Even for untrained eyes as my owns, I can see that a talented artist has worked on it. I am very impressed by your work, especially this work here!" You could hear the honest admiration from my voice and my heart leapt as she reacted bashful to all of my compliments.

"Thank you, really, thank you so much! I really appreciate to hear such nice words like yours, even if it is rare. I am often criticized for my ‘lack of creativity’, caused by my chosen motives. I just love the rough, almost untouched landscapes of my hometown, I try to depict the ‘normal’ as something beautiful, unique. I would like to ‘really see’ what we already take for granted again. As a wonderful creation, a work of art. Nature is a wonderful example of this, or the architecture of buildings as well. Architects are also artists, although unfortunately they are not seen as such. I just want to offer the obvious things a more meaningful space again.... People like you have become rare. I have observed how you have recognized the true meaning, this beauty and aesthetics in such a ‘usual-looking’ motif. And this pleases me so much that you can read 'between the brushstrokes'. Oh... Excuse me, I always talk way too much when someone shows an interest in art or music, my personal passions. Besides that, I have not introduced myself to you yet, I am Y/N! I was obviously so pleased to see your understanding, empathetic look at this work, if you understand what I mean... Anyway... I can guess that you knew my name already, don't you? What about you? May I know your name?", asked you, beautiful artist, with her really stunning smile.

I swallowed nervously, never before had a young lady mixed my emotions so much in me. Even the picture of her in the newspaper article, which I had read out of boredom in one of my lectures, got me so emotionallyconfused. I didn't want to say it in front of my teasing friends, but I had been really excited when I set off this Friday night. And now the creator of these works of art stood before me and seemed to want to have a longer conversation with me. My heart beats to my throat and I got sweaty hands from this nervousness in my poor body. Honestly, as soon as I wasn't surrounded by my clique of friends, I automatically turned into a nervous, slightly abashed blushing and stuttering guy who behave like an inexperienced teenager.

In private life, without my best mates by the side, I am not so confident and daredevil. After all, I always had someone who could cover my back when things get tough, while I am on my own without anyone I know. You could usually only believe and trust, not control. That's probably why I struggled with interpersonal relationships. I always overthink too much and have some struggles with my self-confidence.

And now this attractive young woman looked at me with such interest and joy, just me. I was actually the reason for her interest. A joyful and blissful tingling seized every pore, every fiber of my body. Yes, in fact it was just me! Not my best buddy Seokjin, whom I have known since childhood and always sought the attention of everyone. It was no exaggeration to say that he was perhaps a little narcissistic, but only to cover up his own insecurities. Never would I have thought that someone would manage to get this personification of self-love under control. I admired his wife for standing up to Seokjin and keeping him and his dad Jokes at bay. Believe it or not, she of all people had the pants on in the house and knew how to deal with my best friend.

My gaze glided over the figure of the person in front of me and once again I took a sharp breath. I was so nervous to face her personally, a person I already deeply admired and had quite a respect for. I simply did not want to do anything wrong, even if this charm of hers was almost tangible and paralyzed my entire brain with its function. I can already picture how my mind waved wildly goodbye to myself and went to the summer holiday in the Caribbean.

This carefree smile and these beautiful eyes harmonized wonderfully with your complexion. Your features were awake and alive, seemingly always a slight smile surrounded the corners of your mouth, which provoked almost paradoxical reactions in my body. Your smile awake countless butterflies to flutter around in my stomach, which made me quite nervous and at the same time you radiated such a sense of security and calm, as if there was no reason not to get a word out of shyness. My gaze, which I hope examined you unobtrusively enough, wandered to your hands. You had long fingers, I could really imagine how they elegantly held the handle of the paint brushes and worked on these small details extensively in such a calm behavior. Which satisfied and concentrated calmness you possibly radiated while doing that...

A small, noble clearing of your throat again tore me out of my fantasies and speculations. God, what was I today but inattentive! How rude I must have seemed to you...

"Oh, sorry... I... I have not been able to keep my thoughts together all day..." I lied to seem at least a little more credible. Nervously, I pulled on the knot of my tie to loosen it up a little before I have a circulatory collapse. Before I went here, I thought for a long time about what I should wear for this occasion. Jeans and T-shirt were out of the question, too casual and almost an insult for your atelier. A complete suit, however, seemed too overdressed to me and so I decided for a black dress pants and a dark blue dress shirt.Understanding, Y/N nodded and gave me a cheering smile, which made my body tingle again. This woman drove me half crazy alone with his friendly gestures. How could it be that this polite lady got me confused right away?!

And somehow, it gave me a frenzy to leave my secure, anonymous side as a visitor to her exhibition and irrevocably reveal my true identity to you.

"My name is Jeon Jungkook."I answered in a slightly trembling voice, hardly daring to look into her eyes and rubbing my neck unobtrusively.

* Jungkook’s POV *

If only I had guessed what would change in me, how you changed me. That so much more would develop from a pure interest and a simple formal business contact... that you want to make me one of your artworks.

I take another deep breath before I dare to step out from behind the dark red paravent. It is pleasantly warm in this room, I should not freeze, if I am already so freely clothed. My gaze wanders through the small room with the huge, floor-to-ceiling window, which floods the entire room with light. The walls of the room have been painted in a dark orange and red colors and dark wooden planks lay out on the floor. It looks so comfortable due to the warm, dark tones. The orange-yellow evening sun dipped everything into something so cozy... sensual. Somehow into even a little erotic?

Y/N wants to work a lot with the light of the evening sun in this painting, which could be a little complicated if it is not suitable or if it is cloud-covered. But if you have put something into your head, especially in relation to your art, then you do everything you can do to go through it! Also the changing forces of nature cannot stop you from trying to realize your idea. Sometimes, you’re someone who is quickly frustrated and dissatisfied with yourself as well, especially when something doesn't work as you wants it to. Nevertheless when it comes to your passion, drawing and painting, you don’t let your idea go away, if you want something, you’ll find a way to make it happen. These are qualities that I know all too well of myself and thus my fascination about you only grows even more. The more time we spent together and I get to know more and more sides of you, the more attracted I became to you.

Your art means a lot to you and you’re quite tough in this respect, can not be overcome by the reproaches and the crushing criticism. That’s exactly what I admire so much about you, having the courage to stand up for personal passion. When I get criticized, all too often I think about really giving up on it, so that I don't have to endure all this criticism anymore. And then I look at you. How focused you are in this moment and carefully prepare for your next project. How you adjusts you easel to the right height, let your self-stretched canvas snap into place, spreads brushes of all sizes and shapes on the small side table next to you and prepares youracrylic colours. I swallow again, as I watched this happen. I am about to become one of your next artworks.

A little uncertainly I walk towards Y/N, the thin dressing gown tightly drawn around my body... never before have I felt so naked and vulnerable. This here is something else. I feel something about it... I feel something for you. For this pretty lady, who sprays her cheerfulness around her and could conjure a smile on the lips of even the most grumpy person. This joy almost kills you, completely engrossed this person and gives you the feeling of floating. You will get the feeling of being welcome at Y/N. To be accepted, with all the flaws and weaknesses that one has. She just smiles at you so gently and lovingly and just says, it's okay. It's okay to be the way you are. Imperfect.

"It is precisely this imperfect, this contradictory and also unpredictable thing that makes us human. That makes us an individual and also interesting. If we were really all as we are expected to be, it would be boring and monotonous. The surprise is only a real gift. Each of us is a very individual gift to a very specific addressee, who is the only one who can truly appreciate this gift. Only then did the recipient find the right person as his gift... Well, if the recipient knows about his gift...", Y/N once said with such a certain look at me, when we went out to dinner together in a restaurant in the evening to clarify some details. I wanted to help her find good contacts in Seoul and help her sell her works.

I can still remember it exactly... it was a quite... extraordinary evening. I was of course once again incredibly nervous and excited. At that time, I did not want to fully realize how much I already like you. Secretly, I had observed my opposite. Your positive and friendly disposition had turned my head all around... and in addition, this beautiful body and her elegant fingers, which already haunt me in the most erotic way unintentionally in my dreams.

I could not prevent my dream pictures from shooting through my head, which is why my cheeks turned dark red in embarrassment. These fucking fantasies in my head! My eyes stare at the cutlery as if it were incredibly interesting because I didn't dare look up. There were scenes in my mind that made my ears turn red and I would’ve loved to hide behind the menu card. Your body, which made her look like a Greek goddess.

Naked, body covered in sweat, your body shook in lust, you sit up with a wonderful moan... You are on top of me, I could admire your beautiful, almost divine body as you sat on top of me... and rode me. This breathtakingly beautiful distorted face of yours, as if all this pleasure you feel is carved in marble... lids closed, your lips, swollen from all the kissing, are slightly opened which let your lustful whimpering escape. This grace and elegance, as you rose from me and then lowered yourself again... as your hands glide erratically over my stomach, searching for support... you suddenly threw your head back and clenched even more tightly around my length. The addicting sounds you’ve made... it’s like the most beautiful melody in my ears... squelching noises and even more of yourjuices gushing out of your sweet, so sweet pussy when you came...

An all-too-familiar laugh tore me out of my extremely indecent thoughts, which quite relieved me at first. Until I raised my head and not too far away I recognized no one but my best friend Kim Seokjin, who made very questionable hand signals in my direction. Oh my God, no! I knew that he had recently changed his job and got accepted for a position as a chef in a new restaurant... but not in this Restaurant! He will never let me life after he found out I was on a “Date” with a woman...

Even though Seokjin was on the other side of the restaurant, I could almost feel his smirk on my own skin. Fuck it, just pretend as if you do not know each other and hit him really hard tomorrow morning in the gym where we meet up for our work out. I quickly turned all my attention back to the person sitting opposite me and tried to ignore Seokjin as best I could.

It was only at the end of the evening, when I had said goodbye to Y/N, that I realized that this meeting had much more of a date than a "business dinner". How familiar we had talked with each other... how much I had thought about licking Y/N the drop from the chocolate sauce of her lava cake from her lips... how it would be... to kiss and touch you...

A noticeable blush has settled on my cheeks as I attended our first meeting together... or even Date in this Restaurant thought back. Four months had passed since then and I suffered from longing for you. You would never see me like I saw you. The reason you wanted to draw me was simply that she needed someone as a model. In addition to landscapes and cities, you want to devote herself gradually to more other motifs. And since I have been the first inquired. Your pleading eyes made me say yes. But I know that for me you have no more than the feelings for a casual friendship. It hurts to see how you flirt around so casually with all those other people. I would never be the gift for you as you are for me. If only the recipient would notice that there is a given heart laying in your hands...

"Ah, Jungkook! I’m glad that you're ready!", your cheerful and melodic voice cuts through the silence of the room and you’re walking towards me with excited shining eyes. "Come~," you say and lead me to the chaiselongue, which is placed in front of the large window. The soft, orange light of the evening sun falls on the wine-red fabric of the restored chaiselounge in baroque style. The upholstery has frames covered in gold and also the lion feet on which this historic furniture stands are gilded. Everything was decorated with so many Details, it looks so incredibly elegant and luxurious. On the left side there are some cushions in the same color and an elegant design is carved on the backrest, literally inviting to get used.

"Surely you know the movie 'Titanic', right? Do you remember the scene where Jack used charcoal pencils to draw an nude coal picture of Rose as she laid on the sofa? I would like to draw you in a similar position. I hope it's okay for you if I look at you more closely without a dressing gown... i want to get an overview of your body proportions.", you say, looking me straight in the eye. I notice that you’re very concerned about my privacy and does not want to overstep any of my personal boundaries without my consent. I nod slightly at first until I get a clear yes over my lips. She looks at me silently for a few seconds before reassuring me once again that we can always stop at any time if I feel uncomfortable. Especially your patience and mindfulness of my boundaries shows me how important it is for you as well and how I actually relax noticeably. Y/N smiles cheerfully at me and I slowly loosen the belt of the dressing gown and let the last garment slide to the ground. I feel her in-depth look at me... he is not uncomfortable... only... exciting... in a few different ways.

I swallow again and lie down on the chaiselongue as instructed. You correct my arm and leg position, also rearrange all of the cushions correctly. To my own relief, you put a red cloth over my crotch area. Not that I am ashamed of anything, I am more than comfortable with you already... I just have some worries that I will get a visible problem if I constantly feel your look on my bare skin.

"It should be able to guess something, but not be allowed to see everything right away...", she whispered with a smile, before her fingertips unintentionally glide tenderly through my happy trail. One of your last smiles are... not really to interpret. Then you return to your easel.

* The Reader’s POV *

Carefully you sit down on your old painting stool, already quite worn out on the edges and stained with the most different types and tones of colors. It had originally been dark brown. You smile dreamily when you think back that you’re used to dangle your legs around when you were a little kid because it was way too big for you back then. For eighteen years now you have exactly this stool and this easel. They had been a gift from your grandfather for your fifth birthday. He had awakened the passion of painting and drawing in you and passed his talent on to you. A certain melancholy seized you when I thought back to how you used to paint your first real picture on canvas with your new easel in the old music room in your grandfather's country house.

It had been the old, dusty grand piano, which must have been more than a hundred years old at that time. How the country house survived all these wars unscathed, you ask yourself to this day. Perhaps there had already been something magical about it at that time, which should remain untouched. Perhaps the small estate should remain an inconspicuous symbol of hope, the hope that at some point the sun and peace will return when the unbearable suffering and sorrow of this cruel time is over. When the wars were over and all those seeking protection who had fled to this country house were able to return to their own homes again. This house, this estate you can explain your childhood with a single word. Home.

You lift your thought-lost look from your empty, folded hands and look to Jungkook. He takes your breath away every time you see him. He is so special, such a wonderful and yet you firmly believe that he has not been chosen for you, such an ordinary woman as you are. He would belong to someone else with whom he would be happy, although he is the only one who was able to understand and read your works, the language in them. It... it had been such a beautiful moment when, six months ago, he stood in your newly opened studio, so absorbed by the painting of the forest of your childhood. All the other visitors had only looked at it briefly and smiled wearily at the fact that it was again only a landscape painting, but did not grasp what the story behind this work was. Why the artist chosed this very motif, to see, to feel what the creator wanted to communicate through the work.

But Jungkook had been different. He had given the work, your personal heart, a chance to unravel the true meaning behind it. He did it slowly, bit by bit with his eyes... grasped with his whole mind and heart and finally let himself be influenced as a whole. You could tell from his body reactions that he felt exactly what you had felt when you painted it last summer. Longing. Infinite Longing. Mixed together with melancholy, a little homesickness and sorrow to a unique emotional color. The day you painted it was the last time you saw the house in your official possession. Your grandfather had left it to you. But unfortunately you lacked money, you had to pay some debts and with the best will you could not earn the money in other ways. So you had to sell it with a heavy heart. Your beloved birth and childhood home and the associated lands, you had to sell your true home away. The picture is the only thing left of it. And Jungkook was the only person who understood what you wanted to express with the painting. Longing. My Homesickness.

When all these sensations came upon him, he involuntarily clenched his hands tightly, his chest lifted and lowered quickly, his Adam's apple hopped repeatedly. His eyes were glassy. He experienced your longing as directly as you did. He... is so special. So infinitely amiable. He... he is the only person who’s able to read your true feelings in your works. He is able to read between your brush strokes.

So today you will try him... to paint a confession of love with this act. Maybe he could read... what you feel for him. Even if you know that you will probably never see him again. Because you would not be the recipient of his love and affection. He's just too... too... gifted for a simple artist like you. He would never be your gifted person.

Your gaze glides tenderly and caressingly over his body. Trying to absorb every little detail of his body, his charisma and his character into you and let it flow into the painting. Every birthmark you want to put on the canvas and hold on. You want to show Jungkook how beautiful he is. How godlike he lies before you on this majestic chaiselongue, how masculine and muscular he is, as if he wanted to embody an Adonis. You want to paint every muscle, even the smallest visible muscle, on the canvas in a realistic manner, you want to capture the strength and security that he conveys to you over and over again and make it visible to him. And yet... his gaze often corresponds to that of an intimidated, insecure fawn, which does not dare to want to get up on his legs on his own. The fear of falling again is too big. Through this painting you want to show Jungkook what he really is, what he represents for you and what you feel for him. He is... so contradictory. He is strong, godlike, powerful... and at the same time, so infinitely uncertain, vulnerable... almost pure.

Silence enters your little studio, only the regular breathing of the other and the muffled noise of the busy world outside the door could be heard. Here... here, it feels like time is standing still for a moment for the two of you. Your shared eternity had begun.

To your happiness that it is summer right now and it stays bright for a long time. Today you take more time than usual to mix colors. You want to mix a shade that perfectly matches his skin tone. You want to get the exact color of his black hair down onto the canvas, and the perfect brown for his beautiful eyes. The evening sun and the leaves of the huge treetops in front of the large window conjure up the most beautiful patterns on his immaculate body. A game of light and shadow. It seems to you that Jungkook's body, every single pore of his body has a tiny diamond, so that he begins to sparkle in the sunlight like an infinitely precious jewel. The evening sun warms him, lays a thin layer of sweat over his body. Every detail you try to bring to the canvas, every feeling, every movement of my heart, everything you feel for him, you want to bring to this canvas. You want to make him a masterpiece. Because for you, he is the most beautiful specimen, the only true crown of the human creation.

Some black strands have come loose from his manbun and have fallen on his forehead. It looks stunning, to see him like that. I had never seen him with a messy or even completely open hair... but even now these strands loosened from the braid make his facial features look so much softer and more relaxed. In it, the adult and strong man united with a young, vulnerable, shy boy. The result is... infinitely beautiful. He possesses both sides, so he makes the seemingly inexhaustible divine human being.

His eyes, drawing his eyes with that expression in them, cost you a lot of nerves. Too often you misunderstood this infinite longing that you find in his dark, brown eyes. Again and again you have to restrain yourself, not just to get up, to go over to him... and to kiss him.

This longing look you misinterpret is as longing as you own... according to your closeness, your touch, your affection... according to your love. Because you love him. You love everything about him, his sheepish laugh, the way of rubbing his neck shyly, the way he speaks and explains his point of views about things, how he smells... just everything... every blemish he blames on himself, you think it’s like an artwork on him. He is so perfectly imperfect that you just fell in love with him.

The sun has already set and only the last pink and purple streaks could be seen in the sky, with which the past day says goodbye to the world. One last time you can hear the velvety stroke of the brush over the canvas before you finally put the brush aside. It is finished. You have given everything that is in your power, used all of your artistic abilities and knowledge to the utmost and you have incorporated everything that you feel and think about into this artwork. And what you see put a smile on your lips, but also makes your pulse rise. What will Jungkook say when he looks at it? He will see it... can he read what you feel for him in it?

With a trembling voice, you call Jungkook and look at him one last time. The last time the sight of this male beauty was granted to you. One last time.

After Jungkook has wrapped himself in the dressing gown again, he slowly comes towards you and your easel. Your heart is throbbing as if it really wants to fearfully flight and jump out of your chest. Your body gets hot and cold at the same time and suddenly your hands get sweaty, the dried color on your skin mixes with the sweat to a uncomfortable mess in your palms, which somehow makes you even more nervous. Then he stands next to you. Looking at the canvas for the first time himself. The last brushstroke is still drying.

Once again there is silence, which makes you incredibly nervous and with every second that passes, you want to follow your instinct to escape. Jungkook's pupils are dilated and blown out, whether with bewilderment or horror, you can not recognize. One of his hands shoots up his mouth, he trembles all over his body. Suddenly you hear a suppressed, throaty sobbing. Surprised and a little appalled, you look at Jungkook, who has shut his eyes tightly and presses the palm of his hand even harder on his mouth, as if he wants to muffle every sound. Tears escape the corners of his eyes. This is a reaction... which you would not have expected...

Gently, mindful of any kind of resistance, you wrap your arms around his neck and hold him. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't sob, he doesn't whimper. He just cries. Tenderly, consolingly you hold him, without wanting to distress him. He literally presses his face into the crook of your neck. Salty tears drench your blouse, but it doesn't bother you. The reason why he had such an emotional outburst, you just don't understand. But still... it's okay. It is valid.

As he slowly calms down and his breathes becomes regularly again, he carefully lifts his head out of the crook of your neck and wipes the last tears out of his eyes dry in slight embarrassment. He slowly releases himself from your embrace until you finally stand silently in front of each other.

"What title you’ll give this artwork?", he asks softly, in a rough, throaty voice. You swallow . "It shall be called 'Der Geliebte'. ...it is german and translated it means... ‘The beloved’ ", you say barely audibly and lower your head. After this confession, you can no longer look him in the eyes.

Jungkook takes a sharp breath in and you're actually just waiting for a devastating response from him that would be like a death threat. But nothing of this happened. Instead, your chin is suddenly raised by his fingertips and you look into Jungkook's beautiful eyes. He bites his lower lip a little uncertainly,his own gaze falls on your pretty shaped lips.

"Do you... do you allow me to kiss you?", he asks quietly... barely audible for you even though you’re standing so close to each other. He doesn't dare to look you into the eyes after such a question, he is too afraid that you deny his request. But you can hardly believe your luck, a high pitched ‘yes!’ flew over your lips and before you can control yourself, you press your own lips right onto his. They are incredibly soft and kiss you back in such a delightfully and endearing insecure and shy manner as no other could ever have done it.

Your heart beats full of joy and bliss and in your belly, the butterflies fly somersaults of all different kinds that your whole body began to tingle. Your mind cannot get a grasp of all this yet, but this... you don't need any more of it at this moment anyway.

The kiss is tender, shy and somewhat uncertain from both sides. Jungkook is very insecure and shy, but before he can escape like a frightened deer again, you put your arms around his neck and let your hands rest in the nape of his scalp. Again and again you detach yourselves from each other only for the fraction of a second to get a breath of air into your lungs in order to find each other lips again... until you stopped for a few seconds.

"I like you... I like you really, really much, Jungkook... I even dare to say that I fell on love with you.", you mutter softly against his lips. His shy, happy smile was too much for you, so you immediately kiss him again. Perhaps because of the sheer joy and maybe of the certainty that he feels the same for you, the next kiss turns into something more passionate than before...

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