#and where in the FUCK am I supposed to find the mental fortitude to actually act and improve this?

[insanityisfine]

Lowkey pissed at how erectyle dysfunction has become commonly known across several languages as "impotence".

Like.

I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating and alarming and worrying, especially if it happens to someone younger. I'm not trying to minimize that.

But do you know what impotence feels like?

It's despair, it's understanding why Sysyphus' punishement was insanely cruel well beyond physical fatigue.

It's seeing someone you love suffer and knowing there's literally nothing you can do to help, not even hold or confort them, because they're in so much pain there's no possible relief. There's no meds you can buy that haven't already been bought, there's no appointments you can make that you haven't made already.

You have done something, hell, you've done all you possibly could. And it still changed nothing. All you have left to do is wait. And it kills you. Ever. So. Slowly.

That's impotence.

#I just had a crying session and I'm able to think clearly again #but damn #it's fucking with my head big time #like #I'm just a witness by happenstance #and it hurts ME #can you imagine the amount of literal physical and mental pain she's in?? #because I'm here and I don't think I can #I'm not trying to make this about myself it is NOT about me #but I'm involved nonetheless #and Imma need to start building my physical strenght back up #because I'm TERRIFIED that one day she'll need me to physically help her and I won't be able to #fuck me I couldn't even help my grandma on my own and she was a tiny and light woman #not even 70 kilos #how am I supposed to help my mum when I'm like this? #and where in the FUCK am I supposed to find the mental fortitude to actually act and improve this? #yall feel free to ignore all of this crap I'm just venting #it's only a tuesday and it's already been ONE OF THOSE WEEKS #thank god I have tomorrow off #I need to wind down

[freddiekluger]

the captain, pre-war (bbc Ghosts HEADCANON)

i saw a fan theory somewhere that the captain, considering his relatively low rank compared to his age, enlisted in the army ww2 and someone suggested he could have been a teacher? i can’t remember the source (will link if i find it), but i fell in love with this idea and aciddentally came up with a whole (gay) backstory- enjoy!

- in his younger years before the second great war, the captain was a history teacher at a mid-range boys secondary school (he has a preference for modern history with a focus on the machines of the industrial revolution and first world war)

- we’ve all seen his leadership style with the other ghosts- he falls somewhere on the scale between strict headmaster and do-what-you-want-as-long-as-you-don’t-get-caught, just don’t complain about the content or you’ll be listening to lectures on the influence of the Watt high-pressure engine until your ears bleed

- the school manages to scramble together enough funds (thanks Great Depression) to hire a new sports coach/groundskeeper/handyman/shop teacher. while the school is supposed to encourage more traditionally academic pursuits, jobs are scarce and some of the students just aren’t suited to law and medicine and all the rest, so a couple of boys can always be found hanging out in the new teacher’s shed-turned-office fiddling around with scraps of wood and metal, learning how to build a radio, or generally avoiding their studies

- naturally, the captain volunteers to welcome the new hire (read: he was the only one who gave enough of a shit to actually check on the new guy)

- the two gradually become friends, the captain sends a few troublemakers down to the new teacher to give them something other than disturbing the class to focus their excess energy on- new guy is really warm and open, and seems to get on well with the students 

- captain and the teacher are always finding excuses to drop by each other’s classrooms, a light in the captain’s room always seems to be breaking so the new teacher decides to show him how to fix it (which, already being into technology, the captain LOVES, so new teacher ends up showing him all sorts of things about practical engineering when they can find a spare moment)

- this is a real slow burn thing, but a while down the track after a particularly harrowing school day (one of the boys blew up the shed, an angry parent rampage, who knows) teacher invites captain back to his apartment for a drink. it’s very clearly with ~intentions~, but we know the captain is a bit oblivious so he’s just like ‘alright, i will go join my very good friend with whom i am so affectionate that i even attempt to crack jokes to make him laugh, despite my attempts at humour not often working, i look forward to a simple scotch with my platonic coworker before returning home, jolly good’

- anyways, they get a bit tipsy, unload about the day, it’s the 1930s so the electric lighting is romantically dim, they’re probably sitting in front of a fireplace chatting away

- we have the trope where the captain says something particular and adorably captain-y, and those alcohol-lowered inhibitions mean the teacher just goes in for the kiss. captain is obviously stunned and the teacher pulls away, but since captain has downed a few scotches, his usual pretences have fallen away, and after a moment he decides 'fuck it' and returns with more intensity. (cue the classy cut away where we KNOW what happens next)

- the next morning, the teacher wakes up first and smiles at a sleeping captain in his bed before stumbling into the shower, but by the time he returns the captain is gone

- captain’s absent from school for a week, and when he finally returns the teacher spots captain in his classroom packing his things into a crate (they were all out of boxes, so he’s just pasted some newspaper over the holes, but it’s thin and shitty so items keep falling through and clanging loudly on the floor, ruining any tension)

- the teacher comes in and tries to talk about what happened, but between the model planes hitting the floor and the captain’s flat out denial, it’s not succesful- the captain tells him he’s leaving to work at another school to be closer to his very ill mother, who’s got “a terrible case of Deskink’s disease” (yes, the captain did just look at a desk and then an inkwell to make up the very obviously fake excuse)

- “you know, the other night when we-” “i’m quite sure i don’t know what you mean. you invited me round, we had a drink, and then i went to bed. in my own home, just me and the hot water bottle... *ahem*”

- the captain leaves for god knows where and represses the whole experience (by the 1930s we’re at the height of the cultural shift from concepts of sexuality being behaviourally based to the idea of an innate identity, so that mixed with the capatains ‘mental fortitude’ makes it entirely possible for him to mental gymnastics his way into at least half believing he’s a heterosexual) things start to escalate over in Germany where he enlists and evenually meets lieutenant havers. the captain is very, very careful never to drink around him.

#goddamnit i'm emotional about a ww2 military captain AGAIN #why do i do this to myself #@ ghosts let me write an episode pls #ghosts #ghosts bbc #bbc ghosts #the captain #lieutenant havers #havers #the captain x havers #captain x havers #ghosts headcanons #ghosts one shot #one shots #headcanon #headcanons #ben willbond #bbc ghosts s2 #bbc ghosts series 2 #bbc ghosts season 2 #ghosts season 2 #ghosts series 2 #ghosts s2 #one shot #mlm #gay #lgbt #let's be honest most of my original posts are going to be about ghosts for the foreseeable future #horror comedy is one of my favourite genres #add lgbt rep and i'm SOLD

[cthulhuliet]

Alice in Borderland Episode 1 Rambles:

I started Alice in Borderland, and I typed out my live reactions while watching it, I am also going to give my opinions on the episode, this is for episode 1 (the rambles will probably be stream of consciousness but the review will be far more coherent.)

I am only on episode one now but I have to say go watch this show .

-Finally, gamer representation.

-The set up damn….

-Dead Mom, so true.

-Arisu is some kind of queer, what is that outfit?

-Lol 4:20.

-“I have some business to take care of” *punches Karube*

-Arisu is needy but kind of cute so it is ok. Seems to have a lot of friends which is shocking considering he’s a gamer. This music hits though.

-Gaming and walking you’re going to run into a pole or something.

-Vomit, nvm.

-Them all lined up? Wildly different vibes. Need backstory.

-"Imagine if the zombie apocalypse just happened" I have these exact conversations with my friends I swear.

-Are Arisu and Karube fucking or something? *puts Arisu on his shoulders* Yeah, they are.

-Oh, so they are stupid.

-They literally caused a traffic incident, this is literally the most realistic portrayal of friendship I have seen in a while.

-This show stole my color scheme (but the OP effects are really cool).

-The high angle shots really show how big the city is without people.

-"I think it would be kind of nice, just the 3 of us" Oh, ok, Arisu is a freak.

-Karube is the only one who has a braincell. Understood.

-"Game start". That is ominous as hell. Never say the word “game” with no context.

-... Arisu? Why would you walk towards the laser that you just saw your friends badge get burned off at? Is Arisu stupid or something?

-The game: waifu or emo

-Oh. They really just killed her, what the hell. I hope they are starting to realize this isn’t just fun and games.

-Arisu? Where is this coming from? You’re actually clever? Needed to get a pen and paper for your strategy. Glad Karube punched it out of you.

-These people have seen 2 people die from random lasers in front of them. I mean good job on the 3 day visa I suppose.

There was more commentary before the game started just because I became incredibly invested in what was happening with the game. Great work on that.

Review: One thing that stuck out to me immediately is the directorial style of the show. It all seems incredibly deliberate: the stark difference in style between Arisu, Karube, and Chota; the high school girl wearing mainly white is killed by the red laser; the shots showing Arisu's sweat from playing video games to later waiting to 'sacrifice' himself by opening the door (though he doesn't die in this game).

For the characters I thought that Arisu's shift from relaxed but slightly anxious gamer to puzzle genius was a bit sudden and heavy handed-- not saying it was bad, I just wish we got a little more foreshadowing of how clever he actually was beforehand (they gave us shots of his books being all about geometry and about cars, so it was not out of character). It was for sure a "where was this before" moment.

Arisu is a very intriguing main character. He is obvious the Alice in all of this (Arisu = Alice) and I know there are other characters to come, but he is just the kind of unhinged genius I need. Being able to work out the dimensions of the building based upon his knowledge of geometry was excellent. I am looking forward to seeing where they take him and how his gaming knowledge is going to move the plot forward and help them survive.

I really enjoy Karube as a character and I would be looking forward to more of him... If I were writing his character. I am worried that the show is going to reduce him into an hot-headed brute without any depth.

I also have to live with the knowledge that some of these characters are going to die, and that is ok. I also know that I have to look forward to more characters joining, as this is only the first episode.

Only thing I am worried about is that the show is going to Arisu solving all the puzzles while everyone else stands around and basks in his genius. It is obvious that the character has faults and faults that can be easily exploited, I hope they delve into more of that later in the games. Maybe there will be games testing mental fortitude rather than intelligence.

I am curious as to what the significance of the cards are so far. It was shown in the op different cards, and we saw it at the end that they got visa for the 3 of Clubs game they just played. What would a 9 of Diamonds do? Or a Jack of Spades? The numbers are equivalent to the difficulty, and the more difficult the game the more visas are credited to you. I can only guess that the different cards are the types of games that there are? Tests of physical, mental, social, emotional, something like that corresponding with the suits. Or it is possible that suits signify danger, and there are only Ace-5 for spades and clubs because the danger is lower, but for hearts and diamonds it is only 6-10 because these are riskier? These are just speculations, I know I will find out.

I am really enjoying this thus far, and this is just to kind of organize my thoughts. If you read this, thank you, I hope you enjoy my thoughts about future episodes <=>

#giusi watches aib #alice in borderland #aib #doing this was fun #i for sure want to do this with all the episodes #i know the aib fandom is not big but maybe it will convince my mutuals to watch this #i like arisu though

[imaginaryhuman]

Insecurities, Fortitude and the Unfortunate Phenomenon of Gatekeeping

Note:

1. I'm trying to not be afraid of my own opinions (this will probably get a different word wall)

2. This isn't a hot take or a "permanent opinion". It's just...current. I think opinions fit a dynamic mold. Or I think it should since circumstances change and experiences can change thought processes.

3. My initial draft for this was a lot more aggressive and angry. When I started writing, I thought I would only tackle the one thing I was very familiar with (insecurities), then I read an article that miffed me a bit because of the gatekeeping vibes, and for a while, I was angry about it but then I realized how common it was. I've heard it from my brothers, I've experienced it with fandoms, with books, with cooking, and with running. There's even a subreddit for it! 👀

It's not like I'd wake up one day and it will be gone. Still, it does push me a few steps back when it comes to conquering slight misanthropy. But it matters to me to say this cause I grew up seeing myself as some last draw.

_____________________________________________________________

"I feel most responsible for myself when I'm insecure" I've wanted to expound on this for a while so here goes:

I've grown to have an intimate (and rather painful) relationship with insecurities. I was a sickly child so I would be in and out of hospitals so frequently that establishing young friendships didn't come easy. Some kids didn't take kindly to impermanence too and it's not anyone's fault. It just happened to be that way. Growing up, I came to realize that I wasn't exactly great at anything. Had I not been exposed to extraordinary minds, maybe I would have come to terms with it much kindly except I wasn't. I always thought that people around me were brilliant, smart, and talented (until now). To the point where I felt the need to alienate myself from it all so I could remain in the forefront of my own mind.

Comparisons come naturally but having them weigh on you is a different ball game altogether. Learning ways out of it is always challenging because insecurities aren't just a singular form of monster-- Sometimes it's about the future, sometimes it's body image, sometimes it's the gripping idea of not being enough for anything you love and it's all so cursed and horrible.

There was that time when more things were piled up on the mental shelving. I was talking shit about someone. Sure, people do it all the time but I think that time I was... viciously and purposelessly nitpicking. Everything I could say about that person, I said it. Totally not proud of that moment and a friend thought so too! First, they told me to shut the fuck up. Just like that, really. Next is they pointed it out. As in told me "V, you have a problem and it's really fine being a total hater but you're not usually like this with other things you dislike. What's wrong?" and then we EXPLORED. Doing this can be so cringe a lot of times but hey, we face the music in this club! I was happy to not be thinking about it alone and the experience made me learn a new way of confronting things and issues that make me feel insecure.

We talked about the whats, whys, and hows of being one hell of a hater and how even if certain reasons are justified. Like, okay, someone did something bad to you and you hate them for it? That's totally valid. Do you find certain traits a bit off your tastes? that's valid too! But even if they are valid feelings, most of the time it's not enough to justify certain actions. The thing is, we don't really have the right to be so up in someone's business about every little thing they do. It's frustrating and I feel like a hypocrite saying this sometimes because I have the obsessive compulsion to keep everyone at arm's length but I feel like there's a parameter where peoples' businesses either become something welcome or becomes a blip on a radar that I'd aggressively shoot down. Although I know that my radar can get too wide and that I need some willpower to hold back snark and suspicion. What can I say, I'm weak to any notions of ill-intent (a byproduct of assault).

But fortitude would sometimes come from borrowed words:

"Don't deny yourself what you think but don't do yourself a disservice by not figuring out what it really is about"

I was told then. To be truthful but exercise tact (I'm neither tactful, clever nor silent hence the trouble that follows) and to be mindful of the undercurrents of my thoughts. I think it's important to take a step back and at least ask yourself the most honest and genuine whys.

Insecurity has a bad rep and is too often used derogatorily for something so common and rather natural. But I feel that ultimately, insecurity stems from an understanding of what you don't have and the frustration of having aspirations. Having aspirations being a good thing but the frustration makes us people act up in so many different ways. For me, insecurities have primarily manifested themselves through the urge to just hide everything that makes me happy because I couldn't (and it's still hard to) stand digs at the things I do to keep me sane. Plus I've always thought them (happy things) few and temporary so that's that. Younger me was weird about it omg.

The rule in this house now though is to express what makes me happy and I think I've saved up a bit of grit to not allow myself to be gatekept (by others and by myself**) from those happy things! I love a lot of things (baking, running, reading, pets, anime & manga, drawing...) and the gatekeeping going on with all those? Surprisingly plenty! A totally different word block (that I won't write because I think this has to be put to rest here), really, and also a total nightmare. But how it applies in the realm of insecurities is... Oh, boi. Ignore it-- it's just bad news as it is strong fuel to a fire you don't want to keep going. If you love doing what you do and you're not hurting anyone then just keep going. I know for a fact that the things I love doing are loved by many others too because running? Creating things? Reading? These are things worth loving without it having to be a competitive chore (If you wanna challenge goals though then hey! Good on you! YOU CAN DO IT!)

Draw your lines, plan your layering in a way that fits your style. Use the tools that work for you. Put on your shoes and get going. I'm only particular with speed because I want to get better (and lol I am not fast) but just being out there and moving? That's already running. Fail some recipes or nail em, whatever happens, just try. Fangirl over what you wanna fangirl about! Post it on your IG and all your other socials. A rather horrifying realization is that no matter what you do, someone's gonna take a dunk at ya. Worse, you can be intentionally approached and engaged for that purpose primarily. It's okay (not really but... if it happens, it happens ). Even if you're used to it, it will still get to you but maybe less and less through time. When the voice of apprehension guides you to retaliate in the most painful way you know, just keep the fear at bay and be strong to not let that urge take over your words and actions. Be frustrated! It's fine! And I really don't support self-harm so please don't misunderstand when I say that when it comes to fear and insecurity, there's a lot you have to take on yourself so you don't hurt others. A lot to unpack between you and your brain. There are people who can love you without patronizing you and those you can trust to reign you in when you lose better judgment. Be honest and let them in.

Have that conversation.

//

Extras:

- AH! But I got to say this cause I also saw a post that said "if you haven't ran 50 to 100 miles, you don't know what a hard run is" wow. Fuck that guy. Actually, don't. He's probably not a fun date.

- this: "you can be intentionally approached and engaged for that purpose primarily" is from experience. An extra worse thing is to be vilified for retaliating. Like...was I just supposed to sit there and take it?

- I used to not like motivational quotes! I mean, I'm alright with them now for sure! We were talking about them and I was asked "What's wrong with properly credited borrowed words? You use them all the time since you like referencing songs." and it was like a tunnel of light appeared before me! Sorry for those whose post I've frowned at! I had an angst phase! I am very genuinely sorry 🙏🏻

#personal #self indulgent #insecurities #word wall #writing #opinions and commentary #fuck gatekeeping

[razzle-zazzle]

Blood

1223 Words; Desolation (A Damage AU :D)

For @entersomethingcreativehere :D

TW for blood & mentions of torture

Jay awoke with a start, his body aching from the position he’d slept in. Though brief, it might have been the best rest he’d gotten since he ended up here—there were certainly no nightmares that Jay could recall.

Not that that really meant anything. His shoulders ached from how long his arms had been pulled back, and his wrists chafed horribly in the cuffs. His legs were numb beneath him, but there wasn’t much Jay could do to shift his position.

“Hmmm, let’s see.” Jay’s captor had looked over Jay scrupulously, tracing calloused fingers across Jay’s chest. Jay had had only a moment to feel uncomfortable before his captor decked him in the jaw.

Jay had yelped then, head spinning. His captor’s eyes lit up. He grinned.

“Yes, I think you’ll do just fine.”

His chest was a mess of burns and bruises. If there was a pattern to be discerned, Jay couldn’t see it. Though, given how absolutely nuts his captor was, there likely wasn’t any pattern anyway.

“I’d say that it’d hurt less if you don’t struggle,” His captor bared his teeth. “But we both know it’ll hurt regardless.” Jay’s captor stood up then, pacing back and forth.

“See, I’m a very audio-sensitive person. The little sounds people make do so much more for me than words ever will. And the sounds a person makes when they’re hurt?” There was a gleam in his eye, a kind of hunger that made Jay uneasy.

“Those are the best sounds of all.”

Someone must have turned on a sink upstairs, because Jay could hear the water rushing through the pipes. It was the only indication he had that the world extended beyond this dark basement hell, the only indication that anything else existed. He couldn’t hear anything else down here, alone in the dark; it figured that his captor’s little murder basement would be soundproof.

In the gloom, Jay could make out the vague outline of his captor’s toolbox, and Jay idly wondered if his captor would be coming in to torment him more, or if this would be another one of those days (nights? evenings?) where he was left to simmer in the pain. Between the torture and the solitude, Jay decided he’d rather have the torture. At least then he had his own screams to protect him from the doubts and anxieties.

Not that the torture was much better, but at least violence was something Jay knew how to process, something he knew how to deal with.

At least, that’s what Jay kept telling himself.

The faint sound of a door opening broke Jay from his musings. Though he could barely hear it, Jay recognized the sound of the door at the top of the stairs opening. Jay couldn’t actually see the stairs from the room he was in; the door to the room he was in was slightly crooked, and thus, always slightly ajar, allowing Jay to hear his captor on the stairs.

But there was something different about this time, something about the pattern of footfalls that Jay didn’t recognize. His heart soared. Could this be it? Could this be the rescue he had long since admitted to so desperately needing?

The footsteps stopped just outside the door. Jay’s heart was racing.

Please open the door please open the door please open the door—

The footsteps began to recede. Jay’s heart lurched. He had to—he had to make a sound. Anything to keep this opportunity from leaving. But instead of calling out, Jay’s throat tightened. Earlier he’d been screaming so loud his throat was raw, so why couldn’t he make a master-forsaken noise right now? Why was now, of all times, the time he couldn’t find his voice?

The footsteps, presumably done with whatever business needed attending to in the basement, began to return to the stairs. As they passed by the door a second time, Jay could only let out a strangled sob.

“Please—”

The footsteps paused.

The door opened.

Jay would have burst into tears if he wasn’t already crying. He was right—those weren’t his captor’s footsteps. Standing in the doorway instead was a woman, black hair tied into a loose ponytail. If Jay had to guess, she was probably in her mid-twenties. She looked so well put-together; had the situation been less dire Jay would have been embarrassed at how pathetic he had to look.

“Please,” Jay pleaded, “You have to help me. Everything hurts and I’m chained to a pipe and I’m not supposed to be here.” He gave her an imploring look. “Please, I’m begging you, help me.”

“Oh, you poor thing.” The woman crossed the room quickly, kneeling beside Jay. “I always tell my dad to get a better hobby, but does he ever listen to me? Of course not!” She carded her hands through Jay’s hair. He leaned into the touch, surprised at how something so small made him feel so much better. Had it really been so long since the last time he’d felt something other than pain and cruelty at another person’s hands?

The woman smiled at Jay comfortingly. “My name is Melody.” She said gently. “And I’m going to help you.” She shifted so that she could reach behind Jay.

Jay smiled gratefully. “Thank—” Jay shrieked at the sudden sharp pain in his shoulder.

Melody withdrew, a formerly unseen knife in her hands. It was already red with blood.

Jay stared at her in bewilderment. “I thought—” Fuck, his shoulder hurt, “I thought you were going to help me.”

Melody only smiled, her hand moving to card through his hair again. “I am.”

“Stabbing someone is usually considered the opposite of helping!”

Melody laughed, playfully tugging at Jay’s curls. “But I am helping you.” She held her knife by Jay’s neck. “My dad, for all his talent, is a bit one-note, don’t you think?” She sounded like a schoolteacher addressing a kindergartner.

Jay nodded numbly.

Melody smiled, her knife ghosting over Jay’s cheek. His tears made the cut sting, but it hardly mattered to Jay at the moment.

“You’re a really pretty one, too.” Melody mused, her knife now hovering over Jay’s chest, tracing abstract patterns. “The way you look right now, sobbing so pitifully,” she sighed, making another cut in Jay’s side, “It’s absolutely gorgeous. Makes me wanna cut you up into itty-bitty little pieces.” In her eyes was a hunger, a gleam that Jay was all-too familiar with.

Jay had nothing to say. This woman belonged in a mental hospital. His frame was wracked with another sob as the situation really began to dawn on him. How had he been so stupid, thinking he’d be getting out of this hellhole? When would he realize that this was his life now?

Melody’s hand continued carding through Jay’s curls as she traced out abstract patterns with her knife. The pain of the cuts and Melody’s gentle ministrations blended together, unraveling any fortitude Jay still had. His cries were the only sounds in the room. His throat tightened. His face was sticky with tears.

Melody only hummed in response to Jay’s sobbing, not stopping her actions. If only Jay had stayed silent. Then this wouldn’t be happening.

“You are so pretty.” She said softly.

“But I bet I can make you even prettier.”

Jay regretted ever opening his mouth.

#ninjago #lego ninjago #jay walker #desolation #damage au #zaz writes #gotta have that sweet sweet jayngst in your life #melody jones #this was written almost entirely for kat #and a little bit for myself #no you cannot make me stop hurting the characters #i will whump them as i please #i really really love damage so here is my tribute #:D #tw blood

[kalgalen]

A dozen of recorders click on at once when Daisy pushes the door open. She takes a moment to roll her eyes at the ceiling; as intimidation tactics go, she's seen better.

"Still bad?" she asks, softly closing the door behind her.

A grunt answers her, and she comes closer to the shape slumped on the desk, careful to keep her steps light and quiet. She takes one of the chairs and sits down; only then Jon opens a bleary eye, staring at her from where he's resting his head atop his crossed arms.

"Hardly see how it could get better," he rasps dryly. "I admit the comparison is rather - fitting, but this is not addiction." Daisy raises an eyebrow, and he amends: "Not an addiction to chemicals, anyway. I don't think going cold turkey will cut it."

"If I'm being honest..." Daisy hesitates, unsure this will help, but she figures Jon deserves to hear it: "I don't think so either."

Jon lifts his head then, straightening up as he squints at her in the semi-darkness of his office. He looks terrible. Or rather, more terrible than she's ever seen him, which is not saying much since "looking terrible" seems to be Jonathan Sims' natural state. The dark circles under his eyes are more marked than ever and only serve to highlight how ravenous his gaze is; his hair is mussed beyond saving, and there's an imprint on his cheek from where he's laid on his sleeve too long.

"Didn't it work for you?" he asks, sounding confused and annoyed and so, so tired.

Daisy shrugs, leans back in her chair. "I wouldn't say it worked. It would imply it's over. And I didn't die like you did, so I guess the struggle isn't as hard in the first place."

It's not that it isn't hard in any way; she can still hear the call, the promise of a thrill if only she accepts her nature. Some days, she's almost convinced giving in would be the best choice; she'd be more useful, for a start. But there's once thing she hates more than Basira not relying on her, and it's the person she was before the Coffin.

"What - am I doing here, then?" he demands, voice tight. The compulsion is notably absent from his tone, and Daisy nods encouragingly at this. He really is trying.

"We will find a solution eventually," she promises. "Basira is looking into it, and so am I. We just need some more time, alright?"

She scoots closer, quietly apologizing when the scrapping of her chair against the antique wooden flooring makes him wince. She reaches out to pat him reassuringly on the arm, and his shoulders drop. He suddenly looks like he's about to cry, and Daisy isn't sure she's got the mental fortitude to deal with this today.

Instead of breaking down, though, Jon takes a few deep breaths. The chains that keep him tethered to his desk rattle when he lifts a hand to run it through his hair.

"I... I am -" Jon starts, then trails off. His eyes go unfocused, looking at a point somewhere left of Daisy's face, and he licks his chapped lips. "I am so hungry, Daisy. I've finished all the statements I could reach," he gestures at the carpet of paper around his desk, at the discarded file boxes. "There's nothing - nothing left here. I only have my own fears to feed on, and it's - it feels like being scooped out bit by bit. Like the inside of my head is being scraped clean. It is - absolute torture. I need something to keep me alive, Daisy."

His eyes hone in on her again, and the greedy shine she sees in them almost makes her snatch her hand back. She remembers all too well the way Elias had cracked her open like it was nothing, extracted the events that had made her what she was without a care in the world. Jon wouldn't do that, though. He is trying.

He also is a monster, and as close to an addict as is possible without actual substances.

Daisy takes a centering breath and slowly leans back in her chair again, folding her hands on her lap. A part of her wonders if the chains would be long enough to allow Jon to reach for her, but she decides that backing further away would do more harm than good. She still trusts him, even if the others don't, because she's the only one to have the slightest idea of what he's going through.

The Archivist stares at her for a long time, and she holds his gaze as well as she can. He doesn't blink much - at all, actually. Daisy realizes he's stopped breathing as well and doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact. An uneasy shiver runs down her spine, and she can hear her own voice in her head, crystal clear: creepy little man.

Then Jon blinks and slumps down again, like a puppet with cut strings. His breathing is loud and erratic, as if he's forgotten how to do it correctly, or as if he's just almost drowned. He hides his face in his hands, refusing to look at Daisy.

"I'm sorry," comes mumbled by his palms. Daisy doesn't know what to answer; none of this is fine, and she won't insult him by lying, but she can't tell him it's not his fault either - because he was the one to let it go that badly in the first place, with all his secrets.

In the end, silence seems to be what Jon needed; he drops his hands after a couple of minutes, eyes rimmed with red and lips pressed in a thin line.

"You should go." He tries sounding gruff, but his voice is hoarse with grief, and wavers a bit when he speaks again: "I won't keep apologizing, because it's no use when I keep -" he huffs, irritated, "fucking up like this. Maybe it would be better if you didn't come again."

"Maybe," Daisy concedes with a one-shouldered shrug. Jon looks like she's just slapped him, and she shakes her head. "No, look - you need friends, Jon. Or at least, a friend. I think it's been proven you can't deal with it alone, and I'm not sure how we're supposed to encourage you to fight for your humanity by isolating you from everyone."

"Basira seems to think it's the best solution," Jon murmurs bitterly, and Daisy makes a disapproving tss noise.

"Basira has a lot on her plate. I don't."

She stands up, making sure not to let her chair drag against the ground. Jon looks up at her, a desperately lost expression on his face. She hesitates - only for a second - before reaching down and combing her fingers through his hair, half an attempt at putting some kind of order back in the messy curls, half a shot at comfort. Her heart feels tight in her chest when he immediately leans into the touch, and she steps away with some regret.

"I'll see if I can get you new statements," she says, cracking the door open. "Take care, Jon."

He nods, crossing his arms back in front of him with a clinking of chains. He looks very small, behind the large oak desk.

#the magnus archives #jonathan sims #alice daisy tonner #fic tag #i'll prob...put it on ao3 later #IDK MAN i suddenly had a lot of feelings about jon quitting statements again

[munchflix]

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M:  I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

#watchmen #munchflix #alan moore #comic #comics #movie #bad movie #dr. manhattan #the comedian #rorschach

[freeandsoulful]

Tumblr has always been a safe place for me. A place where I can really express some things and comfortably send them in a very tangible way out to the universe. And generally, there is some support (even just a like, it’s fucking retarded, I know) and I feel validated.

I am having so many changes piling up so quickly, I’m very much struggling to adapt (and pay only the bills I need to keep trying to pay the bills - barely by the skin of my teeth). Some things need to change about me and my habits right now.

I treat my body like shit. Total and complete shit, and I feel like shit too. That... has to change. I have to quit smoking. I have to eat better. And I have to do the (dreaded) “exercise.” I have to. So... I have the rest of this pack of cigarettes to wean myself off (then I’m done, or I’m gonna fight for it). It’s time. I’m going to spend some serious time thinking about a fairly well rounded (or much more so than now) diet. Just the same goddamn thing every day, with all the shit I avoid like the plague. And soda. And energy drinks.... in time. I don’t drink toooooo much of that I suppose anyway. And... I have thought up a way to get me walking. So, if I ask a friend if they can commit to and hour walk with me, meet wherever, once a week, I could probably find someone with a block of time also wanting to be more active, right? But could I find *6* friends willing to have a weekly walk date? I wonder. I hope. Because this is my plan. Then I get 6 walks a week, with 6 quality people. Or maybe someone wants two days, because this is a god damned good idea.

All of this is all well and good. But I’ve said it before. And I didn’t. I just... remained, because it’s easier. I want this feeling to stick. That’s why I am bothering to write this bullshit at 02:30am. I want to feel better. I want to make this life work. Actually, I want to make this life my bitch. This is an uphill climb. I don’t know how far I’ll get, or how much I will allow myself to get in the way. But I guess that’s the other integral part of this kind of journey. It’s the discipline and self control that I need to pull from my butt. Structure. It’s something I have to retrain my brain to have after years of skirting by. I hardly don’t know where to begin... every aspect of my existence lacks.... all the things. And let’s face it, that is overwhelming as fucking fuck. What do I do? Set a rigorous daily schedule and set an alarm for literally everything and follow it to a T for a month? No, seriously, I’m asking for a friend. Tell me the magic formula for “self control and discipline.” So I suppose that the only conclusion I can make is that... one step at a time in the (general) right direction. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’ve awakened something in my mind that is trying so hard to strive for self improvement, but it’s looking around at this mess, and my anxiety rears it’s nasty face. So I feel stuck in this loop of wanting to do/be better, and feeling so anxious I literally can’t move. It takes me forever to get out of the house, and ready to tackle my day. Sometimes it takes me 10 minutes to leave my car after I park somewhere (seriously, this has made me late for things, like class). I need to feel better now. Maybe, with this renewed mental fortitude I will be able to find the discipline to simply fucking take care of myself. I want to live. I want to learn.

#2018 #end of year thoughts #personal #awakening #growth #journey #self care

[aj-the-satyr]

Coffee with a killer

I sipped my cappuccino pleased with the notion that it had the perfect amount of foam and also the fact that this cafe had both great coffee and a great view of the Hotel Scelerat. I was waiting for the owner to return so as to confirm his presence before I went in and killed him. The fact that I was sitting at a roadside table and not veiled had not escaped many of the passers by. I recrossed my legs so that a couple of tourists who had stopped to stare could definitely see that no, I wasn’t human nor was I wearing some elaborate costume. I actually smiled at the gentleman who asked if he could take my picture before I politely declined his offer. He wasn’t even mad. I chuckled softly at the future thoughts of the many people who had either surreptitiously or blatantly taken my photo only to find them corrupted somehow. It did, however, surprise me when my target took the chair opposite.

“I assume this seat isn’t taken?” he said with a smile. I could tell the smile was for my benefit, to show off his perfect teeth. I returned a smile of my own noticing how every facet of him was designed to be charming, attractive, a beautiful trap designed to lure in those without the mental fortitude to resist his charms. The way his blond hair framed his face, those pretty blue eyes of his. Yes, I could see why I’d been asked to do this.

“You would appear to be different from the other girls I normally see here drinking their coffees.” his tone was soft, calming, meant to reassure me that I was safe even when I knew I wasn’t.

“Why because I’m a satyr?” I motioned towards my own legs. “Or because I haven’t tried to throw myself at you yet Monsieur Mechant?”

He laughed, it was airy, insubstantial. I used that moment to start a working, one subtle enough to go unnoticed I hoped. He simply smiled again. “You are too trusting of the press I see. Those rumours are..... unfounded.”

“And which rumours would they be?” I put my cup back onto its saucer “The ones where you have murdered at least five girls or the ones that claim you to be a heartless monster of the night who cannot bear the touch of the sun?”

Another laugh. He gestured around. “It is daytime non?”

I nodded.

“And here I am enjoying a morning stroll and wondering what all the commotion near my hotel was. Hint, it was you.”

“We also do not live in the world of fiction Monsieur Mechant.” I took another sip of my cappuccino. “I am clear proof of that.”

Another laugh. I could feel the power behind each one, a subtle working meant to put me at ease. He was very good at what he does, thankfully I came prepared. I could ill afford to be off my game for one such as he. “You would appear to be more monster that I.... you have me at a disadvantage. I am well known but you are....” he let the non question hang. I pondered whether an answer was strictly necessary, names were for friends after all.

“Ash.” I responded.

He nodded. “And that would be short for?”

My turn to smile. “As white as the ashes born of the first fire.”

He blinked and leaned back in his chair. I could tell from his facial movements he was giving serious thought to my words. “You do not joke.”

I returned my cup to its saucer again. “Not often. I think I can blame Dad number one for that.”

“Number one?” the surprise was clear. “You had two Fathers?”

“No, I had two Dads.” I couldn’t imagine either of them answering willingly to Father. I shook my head a little. “Problem?”

“No, none at all.... Ash.” something about the way he said my name, he’d tried to put power behind it. Nice trick, wasn’t going to work here though.

“Good. I’d hate for something so meaningless to come between us.”

A smile, he was assuming his usual tricks were working. I certainly wasn’t going to dissuade him of that notion, not yet anyway. I’d noticed that he was also making me go more and more unnoticed as we talked. That was part of my reasoning for sitting here in the open, I mean I couldn’t veil anyway so I didn’t care that people stared and attempted to take pictures, but this was an interesting development. He didn’t just get those girls to follow him he made the world turn a blind eye as well. I might not be as easily swayed as he thought I was but I couldn’t do anything about his effect on the rest of the world. A quick glance around told me that anyone looking our way just kept on looking around, nothing caught their eye anymore and sure as hell a satyr enjoying a cappuccino should at least get some attention. It was actually nice, to go unnoticed for once. I could actually enjoy a quiet coffee without constant disturbance, not something I’d been able to do in a very long time. There was temptation there, drag this out, let this feeling last, but I had a job to do.

“So you own that hotel?” I motioned to the Hotel Scelerat across the street.

He practically beamed. “Yes, yes I do. Have you ever stayed there?”

“Too rich for me. I hear it’s nice though.”

“I could show you around.... I do own the place after all.”

“Really?” I leaned forward faking the interest that his plyings should have laid the groundwork for.

“Of course. How could I not. You have proven to be most interesting Ash.”

I returned his smile and left some money for the coffee, along with a nice tip. I mean the coffee here was excellent and they also didn’t play into the small/medium/large everything game that has seemingly swept across the world with the advent of the big coffee chains. I mean if you’re ordering a large cappuccino just get a fucking latte. I shook my head as this intrusive thought took roost for a while, I’d gotten used to my mind wandering and in this case it was useful.

“Something wrong?”

“No, not at all. I mean I never thought I’d ever get to stay in a place like that” I motioned to the hotel “I mean you mentioned the problem. I doubt even if I did have the money they’d turn me away because of how I’d look.”

He looked shocked, was that even genuine? I couldn’t tell. “I would certainly hope not! I have chosen my staff to be the most welcoming people I could find.”

More likely the most malleable minds I thought. Still I smiled and took his hand when he offered it. I wondered when the nice guy gentleman act was going to be replaced with the killer I knew that he was.

Traffic slowed or just stopped for us as he led the way across the street but no one was staring at me like usual, in fact no one was really looking, they were just waiting to get back on with their driving. “Impressive.” I said.

“Hmm?” came his reply.

“Just walking across the road like this.”

“Observant of you.” was that a hint of doubt I heard? Had I just blown this?

“Surprised we didn’t use the crossing.” I pointed at the white painted lines a little way away.

“I never do.”

Ok, there was something in his voice. I sighed inwardly, I think I just lost the element of surprise I was supposed to have. I couldn’t step up the working, not yet. I needed to be alone with him first. Luckily he still seemed to be obliging me on that promised tour.

“Boris.” he nodded at the doorman who tipped his hat to us both. I looked into the man’s eyes and was mildly surprised to see no obvious signs of him having being repeatedly mind controlled, or having suggestions implanted. Were the staff unaffected and in the dark? I doubted it. Someone here had to know what was going on.

“Surprised?” asked Monsieur Mechant.

“About what?” I asked trying to cover.

“They’re clean, all of them. And you are most certainly not what I expected.”

“I’m sorry did you expect me to just be another dumb blond?”

He laughed, no power, no workings, just a laugh. “I wasn’t sure what to expect when Matthias called.”

“Matthias?” Ok, I was lost but it was obvious this wasn’t going according to plan. I looked around the expansive lobby, no visible guests and the only staff member had just pulled a shotgun from under the front desk.

“He said you were dangerous. I am inclined to believe him. What did you do to me at the cafe?”

I eyed the front desk person. “Talk.”

He motioned and a couple more armed people showed up. “You did something. What was it?”

I cancelled the working. If this was going down I wasn’t going to be able to be subtle about it.

“Hmm.... no answer but you did stop it. That will do for now. Ash wasn’t it?”

I nodded. Boy were HQ going to hear about this.

“Well Ash, I do believe you’ve been betrayed.”

That’s when I opened the portal.

#my writing #writblr #yeah I really like satyrs sue me #satyr #yes I really did name the hotel that #irregular updates #I like this OC

[cipherr]

2, 10, 13 for Razhie; 18, 35, 48 for Sievve; 5, 17, 42 for Haveni; annnddd 11, 21, 28 for Alunera !! ;3c (hopefully this isn’t too many SUFFERING IS FUN ;;U;; )

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY!!! I CAN AND WILL DO THIS ALL DAY LONG THANK U I LOVE U :’DD

it’s scary how filled with glee i am about this LMAO

long post warning ahead :’)) to anyone on mobile: i’m SO SORRY

Razhie:

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?she tries not to think about all the things she’s done for Imperial Intelligence too much :’) that’s not to say she hasn’t done some bad things in her time as an “independent” but at least it’s for her own cause. at this point, she definitely has the most guilt about the attack on the Jedi Temple at Tython. all those padawans just trying to defend the temple she had to shoot down…that’s the kinda thing that will haunt her for life. it’s all made worse by the fact that the entire thing, the attack itself, was all just a setup that turned into something MORE HORRIBLE because of course it did :’)

10. What is their greatest mental weakness?HMMMMMM this is hard bc a lot of her mental Problems are for very good reason :’) i guess the biggest are distrust (obviously) and even some paranoia. she’s not outward about any of it–that would be dangerous, you see–but it eats away at her inside. she’s very tough at this point, but no one can withstand that forever. and every single betrayal she goes through just makes it exponentially worse. she’s self-destructive in that way, but it’s not even her fault, really. that’s what makes it so sad :’D

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them?i ended up overthinking this question SO MUCH because i was having such a hard time figuring out which one of them stood out more than the others, but i think i’m gonna go with Envy…she’s probably not even consciously aware of it, but it’s part of the root of her feelings about the Sith–she could have become one, she could have trained but she was afraid, and now she’s been stripped of her identity and her life has been made so much harder and if she’d just become a Sith like her sister, she wouldn’t have gone through all the mental trauma Intelligence put her through… at the cost of her own morality, of course :’) not to mention all the other horrors of trying to survive as a Sith too. but at least she’d be able to retain her autonomy. she’s definitely envious of anyone and everyone who has never had their autonomy ripped away from her like she did. she’s envious of everyone who can lead a ‘normal’ life, even one still filled with warfare and strife. tHIS GOT DARK FAST LOL

Sievve:

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them?whatever the galactic equivalent of like…vinegar is :’D (tho maybe that’s just me projecting bc FUCK VINEGAR)

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?oh wow, ok, this is gonna get deep :’D there’s a very small part of her, in the back of her mind, that surfaces every now and then and wishes that she’d never gotten wrapped up in all this; she wishes she could have had normal padawan training, wishes she’d had a Master who never fell ill with some freakish Sith mind-plague, wishes she didn’t have to be The One to learn that shielding ritual to save everyone she could. she wanted a normal, quiet, peaceful Jedi life. she didn’t even really want to become a fighter at all, she’d have been perfectly happy to be a scholar instead. YOU’D THINK THAT WOULD BE THE PART SHE’D WANT TO CHANGE, RIGHT?but no. she would want to change the fact that she has these quiet, nagging feelings at all. most of the time, she’s able to will them away. her mental fortitude is impressive. but they keep coming back. because Her Destiny™ was to become what she is now, this ‘Warden of the Jedi’, and even if it’s not what she wanted from her future, who is she to argue with destiny? she’d be foolish for even trying! (it’s…not very healthy, turns out :’))

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill?no. even the one who should have been her greatest enemy, the man who unleashed that horrible mind-control plague on her Master and colleagues and other great Jedi…. she could have killed him but she shielded him as well. she chose to save him. of course, there are realities of war, and she’s had to take lives in order to save more lives, in self-defense, in protecting those under her care. but she’ll always choose the non-violent route whenever possible, no matter the personal cost to her.

Haveni:

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.surface level, probably pretty obvious…she fears losing someone she cares about, or something horrible happening to them and being unable to help or save them (or, worst of all, something horrible happening to them because of her… which is a very exploitable ‘weakness’ for a Jedi to have lmao)repressed fear: that what if she can’t do it, what if Scourge’s vision was a lie, or if he was wrong, or if she just simply failed at this task she was supposedly ‘destined’ to do. outwardly she’s confident in her destiny and has faith in it, and for the most part believes in it. that’s why this is the repressed one :’Dher deep dark fear: the dark side. she knows full well she’s on a precarious path right now. she finds herself questioning–and disagreeing with–Jedi teachings and philosophies more and more every day. so far, she’s got a pretty good handle on her morality. but the Force is so mysterious and (as much as she’d never admit it) actually pretty scary. as a Jedi she’s supposed to have an understanding of it. but she knows full well that no mortal being could ever fully understand something like it. she does her absolute best to keep the balance, but the unfortunate reality of balance is that it doesn’t take much to tip the scales.

17. What sound always gives them a headache?eventually, blaster fire. she’s just around so much of it. it echoes in her mind, even when she’s not in the middle of battle (which is becoming rarer and rarer these days.) it’s so jolting and harsh, not at all like the hum of a lightsaber. 

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life?no :’) she acts confident, she tries to be, she wants to be, and most of the time she is. but deep inside, she’s also scared. some Sith shows up, says he saw her face in a vision three hundred years ago, and that she’s going to be the one to take out the Emperor basically all by herself? that’s practically unthinkably crazy. that’s suicide. and yet? she’s gonna try anyway. she’s gonna waltz straight for Certain Death because Destiny Said So. and she’s doing it willingly. she’s fully aware of this. 

lastly, Alunera!who knows how her character is gonna go :’D i kinda figure things out as i go along. so these might change as we get further in their stories/see how they develop together c: but as things stand now, here we goooo :D

11. Do they have any vices?she’s uhhhhh more trigger happy than Razhie, that’s for sure. does that count as a vice? :’) she’s more prone to violence, even when it’s unnecessary. she likes to operate through physical threats, and will follow through if she doesn’t get what she wants. she’s just kinda…volatile? and quick to pull out her gun.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety?getting trapped in a situation that has no visible way out (i.e, she’s been disarmed and surrounded and in unfamiliar territory)this applies to less dire situations, too. she likes to have a handle on things, likes to have control, likes to have a plan, and if all that gets disrupted she’s….not a happy camper. she doesn’t handle improvisation with quite the grace that Razhie does :’D (it’s SO HARD not to compare the two of them but it also makes explaining things easier if i do lmao)i also get the feeling that being with a bounty hunter is gonna test this for her quite a bit >w> mwehehehe

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them?the kind of person who’d snivel on the floor and sell out their entire family to save their own life. being an agent of the Empire, she runs into this kind of person a lot :’) she just finds it incredibly pathetic, especially when they’d be all high and mighty and looking down their nose at her just minutes beforehand…until she kicks their ass, of course. 

THANK YOU FOR ASKING THESE ARE SO MUCH FUN AAAAAAAAAAA

#LONG POST #ask meme #swtor babes

[thisisdefinitelyaboutyou-blog]

My beef with ‘To the Bone’

(... and no, it’s not just because its triggering)

When I heard about ‘To the Bone’’s upcoming release, I was moderately excited. As someone who battled eating disorders for almost 20 years and has been in recovery for the last four, I’m always pleased to see the subject being given more prominence, even if it’s the ‘Netflix’ equivalent of a Lifetime Movie.

‘To the Bone’ details the struggles of a 20-year-old, white, middle-class woman struggling with anorexia, while trying to manage some very tense family dynamics. After unsuccessfully seeking treatment in four different live-in facilities, Ellen (Lily Collins) is placed in the inpatient care of Dr Beckham (Keanu Reeves), who is lauded for his ‘radical’ approach to therapy.

While receiving rave ratings on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB, the movie seems to have been critically panned for the larger part. The Guardian called it “uninsightful, insipid and insulting”, while A.V. CLUB called it out on its almost unsettling corniness. The Independent - along with scores of other publications - accused it of missing the point as much as it glamourises eating disorders. 

Eating disorder specialists and charities don’t seem to be on ‘To the Bone’’s side either. Speaking to Teen Vouge,  Dr Dena Cabrera - an eating disorder specialist - criticised the movie for failing to address the realities of what it takes to get better. Eating disorder charity Beat  admitted “disappointment” at certain aspects of the film.

The following unnecessarily long rant is my take on the movie. Just so you know, it’s probably not something you’re going to want to read if ‘To the Bone’ is your new favourite film.

‘To the Bone’ started out on the wrong foot right off the bat, facing extensive backlash for being triggering in its depiction of anorexia. This criticism - as far as I am concerned - is only partly warranted. Representing anorexia on television or in film is never going to be an easy task and I’m not entirely sure that there is a “right” way to do it. A protagonist who's perceived as too thin will be accused of being triggering, but on the other hand a protagonist who isn’t thin enough will prompt neurotypicals everywhere to say shit like “How can she be sick? She looks fine to me! She’s actually, like... fat!” (yes, I am indeed taking a dig at that uncalled-for comment about Emma Stone’s weight).

Even though I have developed a healthy eating pattern and self-image in the recent years, in certain instances I still found myself gazing admiringly at Ellen’s sharp collar bones, deep-set eyes and small wrists, longing they were my own. I also found myself missing the heady rush of a low-blood pressure combined with prolonged ketosis. It goes without saying that people with eating disorders - or in recovery from eating disorders - will find this material triggering. Calories and kilograms are both assigned numerical values, although this happens a lot more fleetingly than the show-casing of Ellen’s body. 

As much as the content is triggering, I support Lily in her decision to lose a drastic amount of weight to play Ellen. If she feels - as a person recovering from an eating disorder - that she has the mental fortitude to pull off a stunt of this sort without relapsing, I applaud her. However I do worry that inadvertently viewers may come to think that this feat is broadly achievable. Generally speaking, losing weight to a very visibly unhealthy degree is not something the average eating disordered person can bounce back from without having the relapse of all relapses somewhere in between. I was also intensely irked by Lily stating that she worked with "a nutritionist to lose weight for the film in a healthy way”. If you’re at what is medically considered a healthy weight or above, you cannot reach a point where you look full-on gaunt “in a healthy way”. These reservations aside, Lily’s performance is strong and convincing and it’s easy to understand why Ellen’s character has already garnered a solid fanbase.

So what’s my fucking problem with ‘To the Bone’? Allow me to elaborate: ‘To the Bone’’s biggest failure is that it follows in the narrative of every other movie about eating disorders: here is another white, middle class, young woman with an unstable family life. To be fair, there was a feeble attempt to dispel the untrue notion that all eating disorder patients are young, white women struggling with anorexia. The treatment centre featured a bulimic, pregnant, 30-something-year-old blonde (Megan) who later suffers a miscarriage, a 20-something-year-old anorexic, male, ballet dancer (Luke) from London and a nameless black, lesbian teenager with binge-eating disorder. Another patient who’s hardly out of her tweens (Tracy) offers tips on why ice-cream is best for purging. A slightly older girl who needs a feeding-tube (Pearl) uses unicorns and ponies to escape the grim reality of her illness. And then there’s the token girl with the barf-bag under the bed (Anna). It’s a pretty diverse bunch until you realise this is all you’re ever going to learn about these characters, with the exception of Luke.

Initially I thought that the film was turning tables on the Manic Pixie Dream Girl concept by writing that done-to-death trope as a man instead of a woman. I learned I was expecting too much when Luke lied about Ellen and him having cancer to buy beer without I.D.. Besides his manipulative streak (which is also exposed when he tries to emotionally blackmail Ellen into staying at the clinic when she decides it’s time to leave), Luke is written in a manner that is almost borderline perverted. Their is nothing ‘flirty’ or ‘romantic’ in asking a woman whether she’s ever been sexually assaulted “because it’s a big rexie thing”. Worse still, he then proceeds to ask a clearly uncomfortable Ellen whether she’s a virgin and if she’s ever had an orgasm before talking about his boner and planting a wet one on her lips. I suppose Luke was intended to bring a romantic angle to the movie, but given the serious subject matter and Luke’s extremely unlikable character, the budding relationship felt forced at best. 

If providing more details about the token patients wasn’t a priority, I feel that some of Dr Beckham’s supposedly ‘radical’ methods should have been explored further. Eating (or not eating) whatever the fuck one likes at dinner in treatment facility sounds like every eating disordered person’s dream, but it isn’t exactly going to help them recover. Neither is a rain room, poetry recitals or throwing patients out the facility if they can’t maintain or gain weight. Dr Beckham tells Ellen that he doesn’t do talk therapy, so what exactly does his treatment involve? Well, there’s morning group sessions and a 15-minute reflection about the day in the evening. In between patients do chores to earn points to get their iPads back or leave the facility for a few hours (unsupervised of course). They also have the added bonus of changing their name to anything they like. Say what you like, but I highly doubt this treatment plan would pan out successfully in real life and giving people considering recovery any illusions that it’s half that much fun is almost cruel. 

Other highlights of Dr Beckham’s treatment included providing patients with gems to the effect of “Tell the anorexic voice in your head to fuck off”. This is about as effective as telling a diabetic person to control their glucose levels by shouting them down into submission. I decided that Dr Beckham should have his medical license permanently revoked when he told Ellen that dealing with mental illness is all about growing a pair. Misogynistic bullshit aside, illness is never a case of mind over matter. ‘To the Bone’ hit its lowest point right here, in its implication that a mentally unwell person who is triggered by a traumatic event is weak. In the movie’s miscarriage scenario, emotional regulation would have proven difficult even for a healthy person, so expecting it from someone whose very illness prohibits them from having appropriate emotional responses is a real punch in the face to the mentally ill community. This is the sort of neurotypical nonsense I didn’t expect from director Marti Noxon who has first-hand experience of an eating disorder. Recovery from any mental illness is an extremely difficult and painful process, usually fraught with a lot emotional fall-out. Thanks to Dr Beckham’s conveniently sugar-coated therapies, ‘To the Bone’ avoided dealing with any of this unpleasant shit.

The movie also made a brave attempt at addressing the subject of pro-anorexia through the storyline with Ellen's tumblr, which she shut down two years prior when one of her followers quoted the blog as a contributing factor to her suicide. Much like the characterisation of the other patients in Dr Beckham’s facility, this incident is brought up, poked at with a splintery barge-pole and dismissed. It would have been far more interesting to watch Ellen’s internal struggle with this tragic event than any of the rain-dancing-in-the-dark drivel.

While striving to point out that both genetic and environmental factors contribute towards the onset of mental illness, the movie then went on to compare Ellen’s illness to an addiction. There is no doubt that disordered eating can lead to compulsive and ritualistic behaviours with food and eating, but there’s a good reason recovering drug addicts don’t share a facility with persons with eating disorders. Lumping these two diseases together as if they were interchangeable detracts from the seriousness of both conditions and certainly doesn’t help in understanding either illness better.

It also pained me that Ellen has no support network (because she has no friends and her entire blended family is composed of complete asshats), which is essential for long-term recovery. Her father is never showed onscreen because he fails to show up at all her appointments. Ellen’s biological mother has bipolar disorder, so helping her daughter is understandably challenging. Both step-mothers seem to think Ellen’s just a spoilt brat who’s acting out. Only her step-sister seems to have her back, but then again she also tests Ellen's ‘calorie Asperger's’ at the beginning of the movie so I’m not sure what to make of that relationship either. It’s the bizarre bonding-ritual between mother and near-death daughter that took the cake though: Ellen is bottle-fed rice milk in her hippie mother’s lap, as they lounge in a posh tent under the moonlight in the middle of the fucking dessert. Read that again and tell me - with a straight face - that it doesn’t verge on the bizarre. 

In the film’s final scenes, Ellen - who has wandered off into the dessert and fallen asleep on a rock - has a dream sequence which draws on Anne Sexton’s poem 'Courage’ and inspires her - as if by magic - to say ‘yes’ to recovery. I understand that if there was ever a time where survival instinct would kick in, it would be when one gets as close to death as Ellen did. I just wish that her will to recover was driven by something more psychologically and emotionally challenging than a dream in which Luke encourages her to swallow coal (in his wink-wink-nudge-nudge tone, of course).

‘To the Bone’ provides a bird’s eye view of eating disorders. Sadly, the bird is directionless. When it comes to discussing - and especially dispelling myths about mental illness - that approach is simply not good enough.

#to the bone #anorexia #eating disorder #eating disorders #lifetime movie #keanu reeves #lily collins #spoilers #marti noxon