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#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point

bitchslappin · 27 days

Text

Figure Studies

Summary: Joel let's his you paint him like one of your French girls (kind of not really).

Pairing: Joel Miller x reader (no y/n)

Tags: +18 smut, no implied age gap but do what you want, sexual tension, voyeur to some degree, exhibitionism kind of, M masturbation, overstimulation a little bit, fluff for sure, Joel's so in love, idk the tags make it sound lame lol

Word count: 2.5k

“Quit starin’ at me. It’s creepy.”

Joel’s voice is gruff. He’s bent over the dining room table, summer evening sun streaming in through the kitchen window. He’s cleaning his rifle. It’s been too long, he hasn’t been keeping on top of it, it’s been long enough since he’s had to use it. He’s been at it for the better part of an hour, stripped down to his t-shirt, hands covered in a layer of gun oil, sweat starting to bead on his neck from where the sun’s been resting. His girlfriend is standing in the doorway between the kitchen and living room, leaning on the doorframe, just watching him. She’d been down at the Tipsy Bison most of the morning, helping Maria draw up plans for the community garden expansion. Ellie is… well Joel doesn’t actually know. She hasn’t been home since last night. But she tends to couch hop around Jackson these days, and Joel can’t say he’s mad for the alone time while she bothers other people for once.

“Can’t help it.” She tells him with a slight grin as she cocks her head to the side, studying him. “You look so good right now.”

Joel snorts and flicks his eyes to her, annoyed. “Yeah, right. Sweaty and greasy and angry. What a good look.” He snarks.

He doesn’t have to see her roll her eyes, he can feel it. She walks in slowly. “‘M serious Joel. You look good.” She murmurs softly. She’s not teasing him this time, or even really flirting, her tone low and sincere.

He finally looks up at her then, pausing what he’s doing. His breath sticks in this throat a little bit. Even after years together, he’s not good at this. Accepting genuine compliments in a neutral setting. He’s gotten better at the flirting, and he’s more willing to give up some control in the bedroom, but this kind of thing? The softness? He’s still a little shy about it. He just shakes his head at her and says nothing. He won’t argue with her, but he doesn’t know what to say. He turns back to his task, wiping the stock of the rifle, trying to hide the tremor in his fingers.

She sits down next to him, pulling her legs up onto the chair and leaning her elbow on the table, her head in her hands. She watches him silently for a little while, and it’s easy for him to fall back into the rhythm of cleaning, zoning out a bit as he works. As he finishes up, fitting the pieces back into place, she interrupts the silence.

“Can I draw you?” She asks quietly. He looks up at her with a furrowed brow. She’s quite the artist, always sketching and even painting when she has the time. One of her new friends had somehow gotten her a set of oil paints for her birthday, and Joel loved to sit for hours and watch her paint. She’s sketched him plenty of times. He’s seen some of them because she’s shown them to him, some because he spied them over her shoulder. But she’s never asked before.

“You… what, now?” He asks as his brows knit together in surprise. She just shakes her head with a smile. “Yeah now. Come on, please?”

Goddamn him he can never resist that look on her face. Sweeter than sugar. He grumbles. “Fine fine…” He rolls his eyes as she smiles in triumph. “Where d’you want me?”

She stands and drags him by the hand into the living room, grabbing her sketchbook off the coffee table. The light is pouring into the living room as she pushes the curtains open. “Go sit on the couch. Just get comfy.” She tells him. He huffs about it but he goes to sit on the couch, groaning, when she turns back and makes a surprised noise.

“What are you doing?” She asks, an eyebrow raised in confusion. He’s hovering, halfway to sitting, and he frowns at her. “You told me to sit on the couch…?”

She makes a noise in the back of her throat and pushes on her shoulder as she goes to sit on the coffee table in front of him, sketchbook on her lap. “You gotta undress first.”

“What??” His lips part in shock and his eyebrows shoot up. “Fuck’re you talkin’ about?”

She rolls her eyes and sighs. “Come on Joel, please? I haven’t ever been able to do real figure studies. Please?” She’s not teasing anymore, not trying to push his buttons. She’s genuinely asking. She’d always told him that when she was little, she’d dreamed about going to art school in a big city, sketching figure models for hours. But then of course… well you know what happened. He hovers there for a minute. It’s not like she hasn’t seen it before. Hell sometimes he feels like they see each other naked more than clothed. But it’s not the same. This is more exposed, in the sunlight, with her just staring at him.

“Can I just… just take my shirt off?” He asks with a nervous chuckle. He meets her gaze and he can see the slight of disappointment there, though she nods and gives him a smile. “Sure Joel, that’s fine.”

He pulls the shirt over his head and hesitates, watching her face as she flips to a clean page in her sketchbook, twirling her hair up onto the back of her head and pinning it in place with a pencil. The sunlight makes all of her look golden, the strand of hair that escapes down her neck, the freckles on her cheeks… she’s glowing and he is powerless but to give her everything. Even something he thinks is silly. He huffs and commits, unbuttoning his pants and shoving everything down like he’s annoyed, but he’s really just nervous for some reason, and flops back on the couch. He shifts a little as she gazes at him. It feels different from when they’re in bed, the way she’s looking at him now. Now, she’s looking at him like a specimen, like something to study.

“So… how should I sit?” He asks nervously, scratching the back of his neck. Her gaze seems to shift suddenly and her eyes get softer as she smiles at him. She sets her sketch book aside and comes over to maneuver him, her brow furrowed in concentration. She pushes him to lean back, muttering “get comfy” to him softly. He leans back, one arm instinctively going to the back of the couch, his legs falling open comfortably. She smiles at him and adjusts his arm resting on the couch, moving his hand this way and that until she likes the angle. She moves to his legs then, her hands are warm and sure as she pushes at his knees, his thighs, adjusting them a little wider. He lets out a slow breath, trying to keep his cool. ‘This is for art, that’s it’ he tells himself. But then she takes his other arm, adjusting it across his body, placing his hand over his cock, already semi hard from her attention. He bluescreens for a second, looking up at her with wide shocked eyes. She just arches an eyebrow at him.

“This okay?” She asks, her hands hovering and ready to move him if she needs to. He looks down at himself for a half a second before back up to her. ‘Be cool, Joel. Be cool’ he tells himself and clears his throat.

“Yeah. Yeah it’s… it’s fine.” He nods. She smiles brightly then and leans to peck a quick kiss on his lips, before moving back to the table to pick up her sketchbook.

She quickly gets lost in the drawing, holding her book on her knees, her pencil skritching on the paper softly. Her focus on him is intense, almost like she’s not really seeing him, she’s looking through him. For a while, he just watches her, fascinated. The way her brow is furrowed in focus, and the way her eyes move rapidly as she flicks her gaze between him and the paper. It seems silly to think but he finds himself feeling like he’s never seen her so… intimately. There’s something about the demeanor she has while she’s creating. He feels that way when he watches her paint, too, but he’s usually sitting behind her then, watching the colors take shape, looking at the landscapes with her. He’s never been the subject. He watches her fingers, delicate to him, though she might argue after the years of post-outbreak turmoil, as she uses her pencil like a magic wand. The movement of her hands is mesmerizing, the way the light catches her skin…

It doesn’t take long for him to start getting hot under the figurative collar. ‘Stupid caveman brain’ he thinks to himself. He can’t help it. She’s so beautiful and she's looking at him like that and he feels so… vulnerable. He tries to stay still, to hold the pose, as he starts to harden under his palm. The couch under him, the sun streaming in, his hand on himself… everything is sticky and warm and his hard is beating faster. He shifts a bit in his seat, trying to hide it, to stay still for her, but catches the way he shudders as he slides against his sweaty palm. She’s doing some shading and doesn’t even look up from her paper when she breaks the silence in a low voice.

“Do you want to touch yourself?” She asks softly, her gaze fixed on the drawing. His head snaps up and his eyes dart around for a minute like he thinks she’ll be talking to someone else. He clears his throat.

“Wh-what?”

She looks back up at him then. Her face is open, almost confused at his confusion. “Do you want to…” She gestures with her pencil at where his hand rests covering himself, speaking matter-of-factly. He glances down at his hand, curled around his hard dick. His brain still can’t process fast enough and he looks back up at her, just staring for a minute.

“Do you want me to?” Is what eventually spills out of his mouth. He swallows thickly as he keeps her gaze, a flush burning on the back of his neck. He’s never done anything like that before, not like this with her fully clothed and sitting five feet away from him. She smiles at him softly, the sweet look on her face is making him feel fuzzy and warm and he squirms a little bit, trying not to gasp at the friction against his palm. She nods after a beat.

“Yeah honey, you should.” She says simply, sitting back again and picking up her pencil. She continues sketching like it’s a simple as that, but he feels caught in limbo. He doesn’t do anything at first, just sitting there with his hand curled around his cock, in the same position she put him in, a blush burning hot on his cheeks. She looks up at him for an extra beat before nodding her head at him. It’s like a signal and he jolts into action, sliding his hand loosely over his cock.

It feels… way better than it should and his eyes slip closed for a second, his breath hitching in his throat. Maybe it’s the build up, maybe it’s the heat in the room, or maybe it’s just the way she’s staring at him and how easy he is for her… He keeps his fist loose at first, but quickly tightens it as the movements become slick and easy, his arousal spiking. His head drops back against the back of the couch as he starts to lose himself in the movement until her voice cuts through his foggy mind.

“Hold your pose please.” She asks firmly, her voice low. He snaps his head up and finds her eyes trained on him, his breath stuttering. She arches an eyebrow at him seriously. “I’m not finished with my drawing. Wait until I’m done.”

The tone of her voice, the command to wait… it’s like flames licking up his spine and he barely suppresses a whine, his eyes squeezing closed. His hand is still sliding over his cock, slick with his steadily dripping arousal. She’s nearly ignoring him and it makes him feel hotter, desperate.

“Sugar…!” He whines. “I don’t think I can… I’m..”

She looks up at him again, her stern expression making him choke.

“You can.” She says firmly. It’s a little encouraging, a little humiliating. “Just five more minutes.”

He groans but finds himself nodding. She’s not usually so direct and it’s lighting a fire in his belly. He should slow down, back off a bit, but he can’t. It feels too good as he watches her pencil gliding over the page. His hips roll off the couch just barely, trying to meet the rhythm of his hand, and she either doesn’t notice, or more likely she doesn’t stop him. He’s whining through his teeth as he holds onto that knife's edge, he can’t help it.

“Sugar… baby…” he mutters softly, sweat dripping down the back of his neck, his mouth hanging open as he fixes his gaze on her. Maybe it’s the tone in his voice, the needy way he calls to her, or maybe she really is done, but she sets her sketch book aside, putting her pencil down, before leaning back on her hands casually.

“Go on then.” She tells him softly, and he breaks. The moan that tumbles out of his mouth would be embarrassing if he could hear it, but the static fills his ears as he comes hard all over his stomach. With his head tossed back against the couch, he doesn’t see the hungry look on her face, or the way she moves off the couch and kneels in front of him. He works himself through the high, his hand starting to slow and his chest heaving when she pushes his hand away, taking him in her own. He gasps sharply and looks down at her.

“Baby wha..?” He stutters out as she starts to stroke him firmly. She just smiles at him, leaning in to kiss his inner thigh as she works him over. Her grip is tight and slick, hot from her skin being in the sun, much smoother than his own hand, and he moans brokenly through the oversensitivity, squirming in her grip. “J-jesus baby.. Y-you…” He stutters out between sharp chirping breaths, his eyes rolling back in his head.

Eventually she slows her hand as he starts to soften, her movements still firm but stilling. She holds him until his breathing has calmed down. And he looks down at her. “What the fuck was that?” He asks, his voice raspy. She just laughs and shrugs.

“You just looked so pretty, I wanted to join in.” She tells him as she leans her head on his thigh.

He blushes hotly and looks away for a minute. The afternoon has left him feeling vulnerable, but also syrupy and soft, better than he has in a long time.

“I… you…” He looks back down at her before huffing in frustration. “Just get up here.” She mutters and grabs her by the elbows, manhandling her into his lap as she laughs. He drags her in for a kiss, hot and lush, before flipping her over onto the couch, looming over her.

“My turn.”

#joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller smut #joel miller fanfiction

367 notes · View notes

wonwoonlight · 10 months

Text

dear autumn / jeon wonwoo

➝ Wonwoo x Reader (ft. Joshua, Seungcheol, Mingyu, etc.)

➝ nonidol!au // angst???? // romance // fluff?????? // drama...ish??? // soulmate!au // somewhat past life!au

➝ word count: 18k (lol🧍🏻‍♀️) // playlist🎶

➝warnings: curses, lots of pov changes i'm sorry lol, i'm honestly not sure if the pace is a abrupt or not?, i'm not sure how you'll like this OC, she cries quite a lot towards the end sddfgd, that's about it i think

➝A/N: happy birthday, wonwoo❤ shoutout to @ahundredtimesover who's not even a carat but readily brainstormed with me when i asked🥺😭 also special thanks to @sleeplessdawn @twogyuu @savventeen for sparing your time to talk with me when i was unsure where to go with the plot💕💕 i'm gonna talk more on the author notes at the end instead of here. enjoy! hope you'll like this and don't hesitate to drop by and tell me what you think abt it even if you... don't like it sdjhfbsjhdf

In a world where everyone bears the soulmate mark to find the one heaven perfectly made for them, Wonwoo is an outlier with no marks in sight. But he has more pressing matters to attend to because he remembers his past life and the promise he made to his soulmate that he’d find her again no matter what. Alternatively, He didn’t think he’d be reborn in a world where you are made for someone else.

Wonwoo isn’t sure when it began. But he’s eighteen when he knows why they appeared and realizes that the memories in his head do not belong to his current lifetime.

They come to him through his dreams; sometimes long, sometimes short. At first, he thinks his mind is just playing games with him, but when he wakes up with an almost perfect recollection of whatever his older self in the dream did, he eventually realizes they aren’t simply dreams.

They’re his memories from another lifetime. Which one, he’s not sure. Wonwoo imagines they’re pieces of a puzzle–a very big one–making a bigger picture he doesn’t really understand at first until he does. Until it clicks one day why the dream has been getting longer and why he’s getting them in the first place.

He’s not himself when the dream happens, more like a shadow that watches from the sideline. He’s been seeing this older self of his for quite some time; he can’t be much older than he is now, probably in his mid twenties or so.

It was weird at the beginning, knowing how he’d look (looked?) in the future (...in the past? Fuck, this is confusing), but it was even weirder to watch himself with a girl that he seemed to be so very much in love with. Not that he can’t blame his other self. They’re soulmates, after all, if the identical marks on their wrists mean anything.

The word doesn’t even sound bitter in his lips anymore, and he wonders if it ever was.

Sure, he used to question why he’s an outlier and why he deserved to have no one when everyone else around him has someone predestined for them–someone that the universe deems just right and someone that will complement them in ways unimaginable.

He’s never angry though. Just a little lonely.

It’s not easy to be surrounded by people who are happy with their fate, who have someone that they know is their person for as long as eternity allows them to live. People are subtle with their pity when it comes to him and Wonwoo would like to think it probably has to do with the fact that Wonwoo doesn’t seem bothered at all.

Outliers aren’t that rare; perhaps one every one hundred people or so, and they’re not ostracized from society, just that they need to handle the pitiful looks every now and then–which never stops being annoying.

Wonwoo knows there’s a community for people like him though he has never been one to seek companies. He’s fine the way he is. He’d attend their gatherings when it’s one of the rare days he feels like being social, but he doesn’t attend enough to feel any kind of kinship towards them. They’re just some people who he somewhat sympathizes with.

Naturally, it means the community becomes a place where people try to find their romantic partner. After all, it is frowned upon if you try to date someone with a soulmate even if they haven’t met their other half.

…Which makes it awkward when they break up because even if the community isn’t very small, they’re still a minority and they need to stick together.

Hence, Wonwoo never really bothers.

It’s not like he’s into the concept of romance. When he was a kid, it simply didn’t appeal to him. During high school, games were more worthy of his time than anything. And during university… How could he when he’s been dreaming of the same girl over and over again? Any other romance potential simply didn’t register in his mind. His parents, who obviously had no idea about the dreams, tried to talk to him about it; to try dating and find love but quickly changed their insistence once they realized their son wasn’t too bothered himself.

He doesn’t even know if she’s alive in this lifetime, and yet…

“You’re really moving, huh?” Seungcheol brings him out of his mind, reminds him that he’s packing and he needs to get things done.

“They knew I’d be the one most willing to move away.” He shrugs. “Everyone else has their significant other here. Pretty sure they asked Namjoon first but with his pregnant wife and all–yeah.”

“I’m sure you’re still a choice because you’re competent.” The older guy reassures him. “What do you need me to do to help?”

“Help me throw away those bags in the living room, please.”

“Got it.”

Five minutes later, Seungcheol pops back into his bedroom.

“Are you throwing this away too?”

Wonwoo looks at the postcard in his hands, a look of recognition passes through his face before he takes it from him before he says he’s keeping it. The older guy throws him a curious look, but Wonwoo doesn’t offer any explanation so he leaves him be and returns to the living room.

“Autumn, huh.” He mutters to himself as he stares at the rows of yellow trees and ginkgo leaves adorning the ground on the postcard.

Autumn in the city is beautiful, Wonwoo has heard. He doesn’t know how it would be more beautiful there than here with the buildings and the busy lifestyle, but perhaps he’ll take the time to find out now that he’s moving there.

Maybe he’ll find out once he’s seen it himself.

And maybe…

Maybe he’ll also–

“Should we have some jjajangmyeon for lunch? I’m starving, man. Think I’d be able to eat two servings and an entire plate of dumplings. What about ordering some shrimp also? I think–”

Yeah.

Maybe.

Four months pass by in a blink and July comes around.

The city life is better than Wonwoo expected, but it’s not like he has any particular expectations to begin with. He’s a twenty six years old doing a regular job, living a regular life. He doesn’t have any grand plans in life, doesn’t strive to climb the corporate ladder nor make any difference in the world.

By theory, he should be some kind of a main character: an outlier with no soulmate mark and memories of a past life? Wonwoo would’ve written a book had he possessed any sort of literature gifts. But he can even barely express himself, let alone pour them into writings, so there goes his spotlight.

Plus, it’s not like he has ever told anyone about the memories. He tries looking things up online, and except for some ridiculous claims that were eventually proved to be false, he barely finds anything about it that would help. And if he could find nothing in the wonderful, vast world that is the internet, he doubts he would find answers in the real world.

So he’s just another guy. Another Jeon Wonwoo in the sea of people that would pass by people’s lives and lots would forget about.

And he doesn’t mind.

He really doesn’t.

But if there’s anything he could wish for…

He looks down at the small birthday cake his brother has ordered from the delivery app for him on behalf of his parents, the package greeting him in front of his door when he has just gotten back from work. He doesn’t really celebrate his birthdays, and usually only does so if the people around him encourage him to, namely Seungcheol and his family.

Though, now that he’s actually by himself in a city he’s still trying to get familiar with, it does feel a little lonely to be celebrating it alone, if you can even call it that. At least there’s a cake from his family and he might as well keep up with the tradition.

He lights up the ‘27’ candle and stares at it for a few seconds before he closes his eyes and makes a wish. A familiar smile he’s only seen in his dreams flashes through his mind, the warmth of the small fire blankets his face for a few seconds before it goes out.

I hope I can find you… whoever you are.

He dreams of another memory that night.

But, for the first time, he’s not watching from the sideline. The love of his life is pressed to his side as she urges him to blow the candle and make a wish. She takes his face while hers scrunch up into a smile, wishing him ‘happy birthday’ that he doesn’t think is the first that day before leaning in to kiss him on the lips.

He catches a glimpse of the single ginkgo leaf on her right wrist, the same exact thing on his left.

Wonwoo wakes up with a jolt before he could taste her lips against his, a thunderstorm outside his window and another inside his heart.

Despite being born in the season, Wonwoo isn’t fond of summer.

It’s too hot and there’s almost nothing he can do about it. He would’ve stayed inside 24/7 if he could, but that’s out of the question because he needs to go to the office and the amount of people in the public transportation is not something he looks forward to.

He doesn’t like winter for basically the same reason: it’s too fucking cold.

Spring and autumn are nice. But Wonwoo has a pollen allergy so he can’t enjoy the blooming season even if he wants to.

So if someone asks what his favorite season is, he always says autumn.

Wonwoo isn’t sentimental enough to actually have opinions about seasons. Like he said, he doesn’t like summer and winter because they’re extremely hot and cold respectively. He doesn’t mind spring but he has pollen allergies. And so he’s left with autumn.

It’s all just practical.

But, if there’s one season that actually means something… it’d also be autumn. And it doesn’t even have much to do with the actual season. It’s the memories it carries.

Yeah, that’s what he’ll call it.

Memories.

Because no matter what–

“Get going, will you?” Someone grumbles and goes past him.

Right, another reason why he hates summer. People get (rightfully) annoyed all the time and everyone wants to hang out near the Han river, him being one of them.

What can he do? He was already outside due to prior meetings, it’s hot, and being near the body of water sounds like a good idea if there’s any. He just happens to be in the area and he supposes why not. It’s been quite some time since he’s spent some time outside by himself, anyway.

At least he’s by himself so it’ll be much easier to find a seat. –Or so he assumes as he sighs, still trying to look for an empty spot to sit down ten minutes later. He doesn’t find any, if only because the only one-person spots available are surrounded by couples making googly eyes at each other.

Eventually, he finds one a little further away and settles there with his plastic bag filled with a canned highball and a bag of chips. It’s only somewhere after two in the afternoon, a weird time to be drinking alcohol, but he sighs blissfully at the first sip and stares mindlessly at the people around him.

He likes people watching, though he doesn’t make any grand scenarios about them in his head; simply thinks about how he’s only one of many in the sea of people. That he can be special but he chooses not to be. On the contrary, he likes to pretend that he’s normal; that he has a mark somewhere hidden on his body and he just simply hasn’t met his soulmate. That his dreams are simply dreams.

Or maybe they are nothing but dreams.

Maybe he’s simply thinking too much about them.

Maybe he’s just projecting the ideal life he’d have had he not been an outlier.

He blinks.

Why… had he not considered that before?

Sure, he feels too strongly about them (and Wonwoo isn’t even an emotional person) and is way too conscious because they feel real, but what if his head really is just messing with him? What if they really are just illusions and–

“Hey, sorry, do you mind if I sit here? Everywhere else is full and you’re the only one by yourself so…”

Wonwoo looks up at the weirdly familiar voice, freezing when he recognizes the person in front of him at once, the word coming out of his mouth before he even can stop himself.

“Autumn?”

Surprise colors your face at the name, your head empty because you honestly have no idea what to think. You don’t even have it in you to be suspecting, just very fascinated and somewhat nostalgic in the matter of seconds.

It’s been some time since someone calls you ‘Autumn’; the nickname that your late grandfather would always call you by because he said it’s his favorite season and you’re his sweetest grandchild. A few of your relatives adopted the name even though they outgrew it almost immediately after your grandfather passed. You’ve never told anyone outside the family about the nickname, not even your closest friends, as you’d like to keep it dear to your heart.

And it still stings to think about it after his passing ten years ago.

Several seconds–minutes?–pass like that, with you and this stranger looking at each other, mouth a little ajar, unsure what to say. But he breaks the silence first, shakes his head before he apologizes.

“Uh, sorry. You just–umm, uh, look like someone I know. You can sit down, sure.”

You nod and whisper a ‘thanks’, holding back the urge to ask him about his friend who apparently looks like you and shares your old nickname. But the silence that looms over you both is a little suffocating, and your usual extroverted self who never hesitates to talk to new people seems to die in front of him as you ponder if it’s okay to start a conversation with this handsome stranger.

Perhaps it’s just the weird interaction earlier, you think to yourself, the memory of your grandfather and your favorite nickname that no one except your family knows filling your chest with warmth. The last time you heard someone referred to you by that name was probably a decade ago, and to be referred to ‘Autumn’ again after so long… you wonder if you should’ve told someone about it if it inflicts this much fondness within you.

Or maybe it wouldn’t be so special if you had.

“So you have a friend who looks like me and is called ‘Autumn’, huh?” You try to maintain a confident smile, pray that you’re simply imagining the slight shake in your voice.

The stranger flinches a little, a gesture that you’re not sure what to make of, but then he nods and offers you an awkward smile. “Yeah, something like that.”

“You know, it used to be some sort of my nickname as a kid.” You’re not sure why you’re telling him this, but you are and it’s almost comical the way his lips open a little in surprise before he mutters a small ‘I see’. You offer your name to him, and thank him once again for letting you share his spot.

“Don’t mind it.” He smiles tightly before returning the gesture, and you can’t help but wonder why the name Jeon Wonwoo rings something in your head even though you’re sure you haven’t met this guy. You’re pretty good when it comes to remembering names and faces. You’ve never had any friends called Wonwoo, though you recall there were probably some people from your year in school and university who share his name.

Never a Jeon though. And he doesn’t look familiar at all, so you’re sure he’s not a friend of a friend that you might’ve seen in passing either, but… why does he feel familiar?

You shake your head before you let go of the thought, and then rummages through your bag to look for your drink. You take everything out of the way only to find your bottle lying sadly at the very bottom of your tote bag, when you look up again, you see Wonwoo glancing at the book you’ve put on the table.

On Soulmates: Love without Commitment

Xu Minghao

You hope the way you put everything back to your bag is subtle, like you’re not trying to hide the book you’ve been reading and the glimpse into your mind that people can easily decipher from your choice of literature alone. His face doesn’t tell you anything though, and it’s his next question that gets your heart beating in irregular beats.

“It’s quite the book, isn’t it?” He takes a sip from his can. “Gave me insights that I didn’t know I needed.”

“Right!” You reply with exaggerated enthusiasm. But can anyone blame you? Anyone who catches you reading that book always gives you the side eye, some people who are frontal even asked why you’re reading something that sounds as stupid as a flat earth. “I haven’t finished, but it’s so interesting to read why the author thinks soulmates aren’t it because it doesn’t give you a choice and everything about the relationship is a given. That perhaps the love that people who don’t have the soulmate marks might be purer because they choose to love and they put effort into it. I’m currently on chapter 7 and–”

You stop when you realize you’re rambling, words of apology on the top of your tongue when you see Wonwoo tilting his head in question. Not in judgement because you’re enthusiastic about it. Not in annoyance because you talk too much when it hasn’t even been twenty minutes since you’ve met him.

“Why are you stopping?” He asks, further making you speechless with the genuine interest in his voice. “Chapter 7 is about fate and destiny, isn’t it?”

You cough a little to hide your flustered face, a little too excited to finally find someone that isn’t against you reading this essay. You’ve been wanting to talk about it with someone–anyone–, all those hours you’ve spent on countless communities online with people who share the same sentiment as you not being enough.

“Yeah. I’m almost done with the chapter, though I haven’t been able to pick it up again these days.”

Wonwoo hums, seemingly deep in thought before he asks you again. “What do you think about it?”

“Fate and destiny?”

“Yeah.”

“I think it’s bullshit.”

He looks at you in surprise; whether it’s because of your choice of words or because of your opinion, you don’t know. But he doesn’t look like he’s going to jump at you for having such an opinion, so you continue even though he didn't ask you to.

“I’d hate to think that someone–something out there has enough power to decide what’s going to happen to us moving forward. That everything we do is predestined and that we have no choice whatsoever in life because it’s fated to be and it’s thanks to the universe that something happens a certain way.” And then you add, your voice comparably smaller as you suddenly realize you’re being too open with this stranger. “It feels… confining…”

He nods as he opens his bag of chips, putting it right in the middle as if telling you it’s okay to take some.

“I agree.” He doesn’t meet your eyes as he says this, looking straight over the Han river like he’ll find an actual answer there. “If it’s true, it’s very cruel for some people to know that their life is fated to be miserable and can do nothing but accept it.”

“Right? And, personally, I don’t know how I feel about the soulmates concept. You know how in the book it says that soulmates might take each other for granted because they’re meant to be together? Or that they simply accept the other person because, apparently, they’re their person? What if the universe messed up and you’re paired with a serial killer or something?”

Wonwoo looks at you alarmed, and you laugh before you say that you’re just speaking in general. He hesitates before he asks, unsure about where you actually are when it comes to soulmates. Are you this opinionated because you don’t have a soulmate? His heart skips a beat at the thought of it; or perhaps you simply hate the idea of it regardless. But before he can actually ask the question, his eyes fall to the side of your neck, and he notices the strings of flowers on the side of your neck, something that you also notice–so you clear your throat to dart his attention away.

“You feel… strongly about it, don’t you?” Wonwoo settles it at that, not wanting to offend you somehow. He doesn’t deny the mixed feeling in his heart as he realizes what it means. You have a soulmate. Even though there’s a chance that you don’t want them, you still have a soulmate and whatever feeling that’s brewing on the pit of his stomach, it’s not a good one.

What was he expecting, anyway? That if somehow he found you in this lifetime–which he did, what the fuck. It’s you who found him, even–you’d happily take him in your arms? The bitter taste on his mouth is getting worse by the seconds, only now realizing that even though he’s been wishing he’d find you, he never has any real plan about what to do if he actually did.

It helps that he doesn’t actually think he would, so he can hold on to it like a dream that would never come true. Something he holds dear in his heart but doesn’t really need to take responsibility for because it’s not going to happen. Something that somewhat keeps him going and some sort of wishful thinking.

You shrug, not offering any explanation.

He doesn’t press.

“I think.” He begins, looking at you this time, and if anyone ever asks, you’re going to deny the way your heartbeat picks up and up and up the more he looks into your eyes, your face getting hot like a high school girl with a crush. “You can always go against your destiny if that’s what you choose to do. If fate and destiny actually exist, who is there to say that what the universe has decided for you is your best path? Perhaps it’s just one of many and you can try taking another road to see if you’ll like it more. Even if they exist, it doesn’t mean you have to follow them all the time.”

You lay in bed thinking about his words that night, wondering if it’s as easy as he makes it to be to get away from your path and try a new one.

You dream of Wonwoo, a birthday cake, and a ginkgo leaf mark that you’re sure was not on Wonwoo’s wrist when you saw him earlier that day.

You wake up wishing you’ll meet him again.

Joshua, you’ve always known, is the ideal partner that anyone could ask for. He’s sweet, he takes care of you well, is respectful, and you honestly feel bad for not returning even half of what he feels for you.

You love him, you really do, but you don’t think what you feel for him is strong enough to be considered in the same league with the love that people believe soulmates should have for each other. It’s nowhere near there.

You love him, he’s very important to you, and you’ll drop anything for him if he needs you. But you know something’s wrong when Joshua starts talking about living together, marriage, and family, and dread is the only thing that fills your chest.

You know something’s wrong when you don’t feel the butterfly nor the fireworks that everyone–and you mean everyone–says they experience when they meet their soulmates.

It was nothing like that for you; you knew he’s your soulmate, and if there’s anything right about what people said regarding your first meeting, it’s true that it just clicked that it’s your soulmate in front of you. But your heartbeat picked up for all the wrong reasons that didn’t have anything to do with rush of excitement nor romantic expectation. You were a little anxious, even, but you couldn’t do anything when Joshua immediately recognized the feeling once his eyes met yours and he ran to you like he’d give you the world right that very second.

There was nothing magical about it.

You’re not sure how you feel either about the universe giving you the perfect partner by theory, but also somehow shaping you into a person that believes the whole soulmate thing is bullshit. It doesn’t seem to matter whether Joshua notices your lack of romantic reciprocation or not, because Joshua still treats you like you’re the love of his life and he looks at you like you’re his whole galaxy.

Or perhaps he mistakes the way you care for him as romance?

What a fucking drama you live in.

“What got you thinking?” You blink at his voice, and Joshua looks at you amused as he settles right beside you despite the heaps of empty space on your sofa. “You’ve been zoning out a lot these days.”

“Have I?” You ask, accepting the way his arm automatically goes behind you on top of the sofa head. You like his warmth, you really do. You like–no–you admit that you love a lot of things about Joshua and you’re glad you met him even though you absolutely abhor the soulmate system.

You love his eyes, the way they seem to stare into your soul and are able to tell what’s inside your mind most of the time.

You love his hands, they always know to wrap around yours when you need it most, pull you closer when you stray away because something distracts you along the way.

You love his voice, so calm and soothing that you would ask him to talk you to sleep through the phone on nights sleep refuses to find you, the way he’ll hum when he’s in a good mood though he never actually sings in front of you because he says he can’t carry an actual tune otherwise. (Two years since you’ve found each other and you’re still on a mission to make him sing because you just knew he sings well.)

But, most of all, you love the way he treats you.

The way he’ll ask if he’s not sure what you want him to do, the way he’ll carefully thread through your mood when the day hasn’t been good, and the way he gives you space even if he wants to be near you all the time.

He respects you. Not only as his soulmate but also as a person, and you can’t thank him enough for that.

Perhaps that’s why it hurts much more now; why guilt is eating you inside out because you can only think about Wonwoo and his words when Joshua is right next to you, his thigh pressed against yours and his thumb caressing your shoulder over your shirt.

If fate and destiny actually exist, who is there to say that what the universe has decided for you is your best path?

You force back the tears before they can actually form, gulping before you tell him it’s nothing.

“Should we go out?”

“Where?”

“Hmmm. Namsan? We can take a walk, get you off your mind.” His smile is kind, and you feel like crying again because of how considerate Joshua is. He doesn’t even ask, doesn’t push even once just in case you’ll crack. He simply accepts that you don’t want to talk about it and offers you something that might help.

Why the fuck aren’t you in love with him when he’s your soulmate and he’s as perfect as someone could be?

His arms envelop you and thrust you into his chest before you could break, and you manage to hold it for three full seconds before the tears stubbornly fall and you whimper softly into his hold. Joshua doesn't say anything, doesn’t hush you and asks if you’re okay.

No.

He accepts that you’re not okay and you don’t want to tell him about it. That you’re crying and he feel so fucking useless because he can’t do anything to help you with it.

That you’re hiding something from him that’s possibly making you cry even though you never did before.

Still, he holds you close and lets you cry.

You grasp the front of his shirt as you try your best to stop your tears. You don’t even know why you’re crying this much, but you suppose between the stressful week and the whole Wonwoo situation, the guilt combined with Joshua’s innocent look trigger something within you.

“I’ll just get you some water.” He whispers against your head once you’ve calmed down, squeezes your shoulder and then lets you go. He’s back not even a minute later, and you thank him as you take your mug, embarrassed when you wipe the remaining of your tears off your face. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” You manage to whisper, too embarrassed to even look him in the eyes.

His smile is meant to be comforting, but thinking yet again about the reason why you even cried to begin with, it only makes your heart squeezes painfully.

“You probably need it. You know I won’t judge.” He caresses your cheek as if to make sure to get rid of all traces of tears there. He searches for your face, as if he can tell what’s inside your mind just by doing so, and for a moment, you’re afraid that he really can; that he’ll see the man that you’ve met once some time last week clouding your mind like there’s no tomorrow. “Do you want to go for a walk anyway? Perhaps you need to get out of the house for a bit?”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” You reach up to circle your fingers around his wrist, smiling back at him because despite everything, you’re still thankful that the universe thinks you’re deserving of someone like him. You’re still thankful that you get to be on the receiving end of his affection.

Joshua leans forward to kiss your forehead, lingering for a good few seconds before he tells you to get ready.

It doesn’t take you too long to get ready, nor does it take long for you two to arrive at Namsan. Climbing the stairs to get to the park, Joshua asks instead if you’re willing to just go further up to get to the peak where the tower is. You’re not exactly dressed for climbing (though it’s really just stairs, stairs, and more stairs), nor are you in the mood for it, but you think exhausting your body is just what you might just need so you can pass out the moment you reach your bed later on.

He extends his hand, and you take it with a smile despite the pinch in your heart. You spend the first ten minutes in silence, hand in hand as you ascend up the seemingly never-ending stairs.

Already out of breath, you begin to doubt your decision of climbing up when Joshua speaks.

“I haven’t gone here in so long.” Undeniably, it’s a very nice weather out. You being out of breath has more to do with your lack of exercise on a daily basis more than anything, but even in your predicament you can still appreciate the night view around you. As much as you feel like dying right now, you know you don’t actually regret it.

“Yeah? Me too.” You grip his hand tighter for support, then ask if you could rest for a bit when you see a rest stop. Joshua laughs as you ask this, though he nods and hands you a piece of chocolate the moment you both sit down on an empty bench overlooking Seoul from where you’re at.

“You’re a lifesaver.” You moan as you take a bite of the chocolate, leaning your head on his shoulder and stretching your legs. “I haven’t climbed in so long. My legs will fall tomorrow, I’m sure.”

“I’ll run a bath for you before I go home tonight.”

You try to trample the way your heartbeat picks up; not because you’re fluttered, but because you’re once again eaten with guilt by how perfect Joshua really is. He doesn’t exactly know how you feel about soulmates; you’re not cruel enough to say things right to his face.

But you know for sure that he’s aware of your choice of literature.

He doesn’t comment on them, and you try not to read them when he’s around. But he once caught you reading on your phone over your shoulder and you sheepishly said you simply find those essays interesting.

Joshua isn’t stupid, knows that there’s a reason why you find them interesting, but he chooses to be in ignorant bliss and says you’re free to read whatever you want and there’s no need to justify yourself to him of all people.

Yeah, because it’s totally normal that your soulmate is interested in reading essays on why soulmates are bullshits.

Forty minutes later with some short breaks along the way, you finally reach the top. There aren’t as many people, and you walk around for a bit to let your legs relax before finding yet another bench to sit on.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been here at night.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm. Sure is different from being here during the day.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Joshua agrees, his palm absentmindedly caresses your thigh as if it helps relieve your sore muscle.

“Should we have some cup ramyeons?” You suggest, pointing to the convenience store you pass by earlier. “I think I can do some if I share with you.”

Joshua nods, but before he can offer to go, you tell him he can rest instead.

“I’ll go get it. Should I buy two or are you fine just sharing one with me?”

“Two is fine.”

“And the usual drink?”

“And the usual drink.” He grins. “You sure you can take everything by yourself?”

You roll your eyes in mock annoyance, exhaling a ‘duh’ as you tell him to just wait.

Pleased that the convenience store isn’t crowded either, you hum as you go through the snack isles instead. Knowing yourself, you’ll probably only eat two thirds of the cup ramyeon and wolf down the snack instead if you buy some; but you don’t see why not because Joshua’s there to finish your food anyway. Plus, it’s a nice night out and that’s enough to justify your choice of dinner.

Juggling two big cups of instant noodles, a packet of cheese, a hotbar, and a bag of shrimp chips isn’t your talent, but you manage and you drop them on the cashier before quickly telling the cashier you’re just going to grab a drink real quick.

Almost bumping into the person behind you, your apology is stuck in your throat once you realize who’s the person exactly.

What the fuck.

“Oh…” Wonwoo says in surprise, the words seemingly out of his mouth before he even realizes. “Hi…?”

You give him an awkward smile and nod before quickly going to the drink aisle. Apologizing once again to the cashier who’s still scanning your purchase (and to Wonwoo) once you return even though it’s barely been five seconds.

“Need help?” Wonwoo says good-naturedly, gesturing to the amount of things you’ve just bought.

“Hey, I–”

Wonwoo looks at you staring between him and the guy who has just entered. Getting the hints immediately that his help isn’t needed, he smiles before paying for his stuff and leaves the convenience store.

He looks spitefully at the night sky, it’s so unnecessarily pretty too, unsure if he wants to curse whatever’s up there that of all days he decides to go outside, he just has to see you again. With another guy at that. He doesn’t want to jump to conclusions. The guy could simply be your friend for all he knew.

But if there’s one thing that is Wonwoo, he’s quick to put pieces together. From your panicked glance and the way you tense when you see him, he knows. Perhaps it’s also just intuition. But he just knew that man, whoever he is, is the one that heaven has decided to be the one for you.

He exhales a deep breath before finding a secluded place somewhere behind a tree, carefully hidden to minimize any chance of being seen by you (or seeing you with your soulmate). He would’ve immediately left if he could, but he’s only arrived and it feels like it’s such a waste for him to leave just like that despite the situation.

What even is the situation?

He’s been thinking a lot since he met you, if he wants to seek you out again and what he wants to do if he does. The thought is no longer so much of a wishful thinking like it used to be. He knows you exist now. You’re actually living, you’re real, and you have a soulmate that is not him.

It sounds so much like an exaggeration, but he’s never felt so empty after going home that night, thinking about you and your soulmate. Do you live together? Do you care about him regardless of your stance on the whole soulmate thing? Does he treat you well? Does he get to hold you while you sleep? Does he–Fuck.

Wonwoo hates being like this, and he’d love to say it’s gotten better the more time passes by, but it has only gotten even worse because his dream is getting longer and even more prominent since meeting you. And what he hates most is he’s started to feel more and more strongly about you even through his dreams.

What is one supposed to do when they fall in love with an illusion that has a counterpart living in the realm of reality? He’s pretty sure no one would have the answer.

He glances up at the sound of faint laughter, seemingly so loud in the silent night, or perhaps he simply picks it up because he knows exactly who it belongs to before he even sees you. He bites his lip at the scene he’s witnessing: you, laughing with your soulmate at god knows what.

He can’t blame the guy for looking at you like you hold the universe for him. After all, Wonwoo would probably do exactly the same thing had he been given the chance. His past self from another life could vouch for that.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, he’s not sure, you end up sitting a good distance away from where he’s at, your back facing him as you settle beside the man destined to be with you. You’re not too far that he can’t see your side profile, which gets his heart both squeezing in pain and fluttering at the same time.

He doesn’t even know that was possible.

Wonwoo looks far to the distance, at the endless night sky that’s so unnecessarily full of stars today of all day. He wants to think the universe is mocking him, playing a joke on him for being alone by himself on such a beautiful night, making him watch you laughing with your soulmate as the cherry on top.

But he knows he’s not that special.

He’s just one of many; his misery wouldn’t be all that amusing for the universe.

Scoffing at the thought of the universe, he lowers his eyes from the sky only to accidentally meet yours.

Is this the work of the universe too?

Nah, he shouldn’t give too much credit to the damn thing. But, then again, blaming it for every single thing that went wrong in his life has proved to be some kind of comfort if he’s being completely honest.

You offer him a small smile anyway, not even waiting for him to return the gesture.

It hurts still to see you with your soulmate, sharing food and talking about what he assumes to be nothing and everything. But as he lays in bed that night and thinks about your smile, he admits that if the universe lets him meet you in this lifetime, perhaps it isn’t so bad, after all.

Wonwoo has always liked the number three.

Third’s time the charm and all that jazz. He doesn’t hold on to it religiously, just some fun little routine that he finds amusing. When he takes an item in a grocery store, he takes the third one from the front; when he goes to the convenience store because he needs one (1) thing, he takes two small snacks so it’s three items in total; on the rare days when Wonwoo feels like trying a new drink in a cafe, he’d just choose the third item in the menu.

It’s fun.

Today, Wonwoo’s supposed to meet Mingyu for a little get together. He’s the first friend he’s made in Seoul, a guy that’s a little too flashy for his liking but is still a good person nevertheless and definitely a much better company than most people that he’s made to be acquainted with in the new city.

He’s not too excited about the invitation, but doesn’t see why he should turn the younger guy down when he has no plan during the weekend, and, as much as he loves staying inside, the four walls of his apartment is starting to feel a little suffocating because it’s almost been a month since that night he randomly went to Namsan and saw you, and… he hasn’t gone out for anything that’s not a necessity since then.

So when Mingyu asks for the third time since they got to know each other if he wants to join him on a night out or not, he decides he should also appreciate the guy’s persistence despite already being turned down twice before.

Anyway.

He was supposed to meet him for a little get together. Apparently, Mingyu’s version of ‘a little get together’ is to invite a group of friends that Wonwoo obviously doesn’t know for dinner and only notifying him of the additional party thirty minutes before their promised time.

He exhales. It’s too late for him to bail. Right now, his hope is only as high as the ground: he simply wishes he wouldn’t return home socially exhausted.

It’s a small pizza diner inside an alleyway where they promised to meet. And Mingyu along with his friends thankfully arrive at the same time as him so Wonwoo wouldn’t need to go inside and look around like a fool, wondering where his table full of strangers and a slightly familiar friend is.

He’s not close enough with Mingyu to say he’s comfortable around him, but he’s still the most familiar face between the four faces in front of him so he decides sitting next to Mingyu is the best choice. Thankfully, the younger guy doesn’t seem to be the type to push him to interact with new people immediately.

Thirty minutes into dinner, Wonwoo can tell Mingyu probably brings these friends around because he thinks Wonwoo needs to meet new people (or maybe he thinks it’ll be awkward if it’s just the two of them?). It’s easy to tell that he’s brought the friendliest people who’s just loud enough, who understand that Wonwoo’s quiet but still able to naturally included him in conversations without making him feel bad about being, well, quiet (god knows how many people have tried to make him feel bad for staying quiet during conversations).

Jungkook is a friend from high school, he’s learned, apparently one of Mingyu’s closest friends. Jeonghan is a senior from his previous company; someone that he didn’t know he’d end up being close with because, at first, Jeonghan was obviously just someone he had to work together with. Jisoo, he finds out later on, is Jungkook’s ex-girlfriend before he found his soulmate, though they treasure their friendship too much to cut each other off.

Except for Jungkook, the other two friends seem a little unconventional and Wonwoo doesn’t understand how Mingyu ends up being close enough with them to go out together like this.

He doesn’t ask.

“We’re planning on bar hopping.” Mingyu tells him, and Wonwoo feels dread fill his chest at what this might imply until Mingyu adds, “You’re free to leave if you don’t want to go with us though! I understand it might not be everyone’s thing.”

Weirdly, Wonwoo now wants to go because he’s been given the freedom of choice. Plus, at least he knows he’d be surrounded by these people and he can go home at any time if he wants to.

“What kind of bar?”

“Definitely not clubs pretending to be a bar.” Mingyu jokes. “Maybe wine or cocktail bars?”

“Sure, I’ll come then.” Wonwoo shrugs, then tells Mingyu he’ll probably return home first if he and his friends are planning to go until morning, to which Mingyu nods and says that it’s no problem at all.

Wonwoo doesn’t really understand the concept of bar hopping. He’s always been curious about it, but never curious enough to actually do it. So he supposes it’s also his curiosity that pushes him to say yes. He kind of wants to see what it’s all about and he doesn’t think he’d have another opportunity where he might remotely enjoy the experience if not now.

The first cocktail bar isn’t that great, if only because the place is small and it feels like everyone can hear what they’re talking about. They each have one drink and immediately leave for the next one. They go to a wine bar, and Wonwoo is pleased to know the alcohol in his system (and the current company, he’s sure) has made him more relaxed than he had been the past week.

After an hour or so, Mingyu decides he’s had too much energy and asks if it’s okay to move to an open bar that’s not as noisy as a club but is still noisy enough for people to enjoy the music and fill the dancing floor.

Normally, Wonwoo would say no. But he surprisingly still has enough social battery and thinks might as well go all out while he’s at it. It’s not often that he’s in a social mood.

The bar is a little too noisy for Wonwoo’s liking, though the half part of the building has no roof so it’s not too loud nor suffocating. After ordering their drinks, Mingyu and Jungkook head to the dance floor. Jisoo and Jeonghan stay at the table with him; Jisoo says she’s not really in the mood to dance while Jeonghan says his soulmate is picking him up in a bit so he’s just going to stick around til then.

It’s thirty minutes later that he leaves and Wonwoo’s now left alone with Jisoo. It’s not uncomfortable, but it is a little awkward and Jisoo seems to share the sentiment as she tries to find topics to talk about.

They end up talking about literature and movies, and Wonwoo has to lean forward to be able to listen to her clearly over the music until she eventually moves to sit next to him so they can talk easier. He notices Jungkook glancing every now and then, and when Jisoo follows his gaze, she chuckles a little and shakes her head.

“Sorry. It’s just a habit of his, don’t mind him.”

Wonwoo blinks, unsure. “Why are you apologizing?”

“I know a lot of people find his stares uncomfortable.” She shrugs. “He’s just protective of me. It’s nothing, I promise.”

Wonwoo’s not nosy. But between the alcohol in his system, his remote curiosity, and the way Jisoo looks like she wants to talk about it, he kindly throws the bait.

A subtle one, though.

“How did you end up being close with Mingyu?”

“Through Kook, at first.” Mingyu and Jeonghan don’t refer to Jungkook with that name, he notes. And a part of him wonders if it’s a nickname that Jisoo has for him or if it’s just how his girl friends call him. “We dated before. But we broke up because, well, he found his soulmate and… Mingyu was kind enough to keep me company and made sure I was okay after the whole ordeal. I’m not sure why he felt the need to do that, but I’m thankful regardless. So… yeah.”

He bites the question about soulmates. Doesn’t ask why they tried dating each other if they knew they aren’t soulmates, but he does wonder about how she must’ve felt or how she’s feeling right now. He can’t exactly compare his situation with hers, because as much as he’s going through a… heartbreak, it’s somewhat onesided while Jisoo actually had a relationship with Jungkook.

And she still has to be friends with him.

He doesn’t know if it’s the universe or Jungkook that is cruel.

Or perhaps Jisoo is a masochist.

Apparently, she’s also very honest when she’s tipsy.

“I’m an outlier.” She smiles bitterly after downing a shot, then she pulls up the sleeve of her cardigan and shows him what he assumes to be a trace of a soulmate mark; a faint outline of a snowflake that’s barely visible unless you actually take a look at her wrist. “I hav–had a soulmate. They died before I even met them and that’s why the mark… burned.”

Her chuckle is nowhere near amused when Wonwoo’s eyes widen in surprise, and she answers before he even asks as she pulls down the sleeve of her cardigan.

“It literally burned. I was sixteen; and I was out with Jungkook getting ice cream when it started to burn and he had to witness me being all hysterical, crying as I told him my wrist burnt and it felt like it’s going to fall off.” She doesn’t look bitter at all as she talks about this, just very sad and perhaps even a tad bit nostalgic. “He was fourteen. A little shorter than I was at that point, but he tried his best to tug me to a secluded place so people wouldn’t stare despite my struggle because everything hurt and I just felt like crying, hugged me to muffle my scream, and stayed with me for hours after that even though I was just zoning out, not saying anything.”

Wonwoo isn’t sure if it’s a story for him to hear; but Jisoo looks like she needs it (or is it just the alcohol?) and the least he could do is to listen. At least he can rest easy knowing this story wouldn’t be going anywhere else.

“I knew what happened even though I didn’t know by theory. I could feel it; felt the connection that was only faintly there just… gone. Jungkook took me home and told my parents about what happened. Of course they knew what it meant and they thanked him before sending him home. I couldn’t really talk for weeks, the emptiness and the burn were too prominent for me to be doing anything. My parents told the school I was sick so I was dismissed from classes.”

She pauses, and for the first time, Wonwoo can tell exactly what she’s feeling: she’s numb and she’s exhausted. There’s no trace of tears in her eyes. They’re void of anything and Wonwoo suddenly feels an odd sense of affinity the more he listens to her.

“Jungkook… stopped by everyday even though he didn’t know what actually happened. He probably had an idea, but he didn’t press and he talked to me about anything and everything even if I didn’t say anything–said from the beginning that I didn’t need to answer, that he’d do all the talking for me.”

Wonwoo doesn’t need to listen to the rest of the story to know why Jisoo still treasures Jungkook as…, well, whatever she regards him as right now. He doesn’t want her to talk about more sad things like how she ended up dating him and how she broke up with him, so he offers her what he could: honesty and a change of topic.

Even if it’s only a little.

“I’m an outlier also.” He says quietly that Jisoo almost misses it. “Doesn’t have a soulmate but… it’s complicated.”

Thankfully, Jisoo doesn’t pry, simply takes another shot and offers a cheer to him.

“Sucks to be us.”

It’s weird, but Wonwoo finds himself chuckling before he takes his own drink and clinks his glass to hers and takes a sip of his highball.

“Sucks to be us.”

His mind wanders to you, thinking if he could stand being in Jisoo’s place had it been like that for him. He had only seen you with your soulmate from afar, had only talked to you once, and it hurts anyway.

Why is he cursed with the memories of his previous life, again?

He’s been mentally restless since that night. How could he not when he keeps on seeing you everywhere? His dreams are getting more and more prominent and so are his feelings. He keeps on thinking he sees you somewhere–everywhere–only to realize it’s not you, just ghosts of you haunting him in every person that he sees.

How fucking stupid, falling in love with a series of images and illusions.

Drinking the rest of his drink, he shakes his head and winces at the alcohol and at how his mind is playing tricks once again. Perhaps drinking alcohol hasn’t been the best option if he ends up imagining you even here between the blurry images of people.

Fuck, he’s down bad.

In such perfect timing, Mingyu and Jungkook return to the table, so Wonwoo leaves Jisoo with them and excuses himself to the restroom. He looks at himself in the mirror, and then looks at his phone only to realize it’s already almost one in the morning. Perhaps it’s time he goes home; the talk he’s shared with Jisoo proves to be more mentally exhausting than he thinks it is.

He almost bumps into someone on his way out, hands reaching out to the person in front of him in reflex only to let go just as quick once he sees your face once again. Christ, is he that drunk? He really needs to go home.

That version of you is very pretty too, fuck.

“Uh… Wonwoo?” He’s even imagining your voice now? “Are you… okay?”

He looks up in alarm once he realizes you’re real. It’s actually you in front of him and you’re not a figment of his imagination. He opens his mouth to say something, but someone bumps into you hard and you tumble into his chest.

Wonwoo’s breath is caught in his throat at the turn of events, but his arm catches you anyway and glares at the guy before he looks down and asks if you’re okay. You look as flustered as he’s feeling, and he hopes the loud music is enough to cover the sound of his heartbeat.

“You’re okay?” It’s stupid how disappointment fills his chest the moment you step away, a sense of longing already making its way to his heart.

He needs to get away.

“I—yeah.” You look unsure and Wonwoo doesn’t like how your body screams uneasiness.

“Are you by yourself?”

“No?” Now you sound unsure, and even though Wonwoo is also another stranger in the sea of strangers, he thinks he trusts himself better than any other people here to help you if you don’t want to be here. “Well, I was with my friend but she… yeah.”

You’re biting your lip, as if afraid he’d scold you (Why would he? He’s not your boyfriend (Wait. No. Back pedal, back pedal)). Fuck, fuck, fuck. He swallows hard to calm himself down; this is not the time to imagine what it’d be like to be your boyfriend.

“Come on.” He says as calmly as possible, his fingers balled into a fist to stop himself from taking your hand in his. He considers bringing you to his table, but he doesn’t know how he should introduce you to his party so he quickly texts Mingyu he’s going home because something turns up before he leads you out of the club.

It’s silence filling you two despite the somewhat noisy alley you’re walking through, and you don’t know Wonwoo enough to be able to tell if he’s pissed or what; but he does seem tense and you’re the one uncomfortable with the unnerving silence.

“I’m–I’m sorry.” You try to open a conversation. Wonwoo stops in his tracks and turns to you in confusion. “You were probably there to have fun or something… Sorry I made you get me out of there.”

He shakes his head, and your heart relaxes when he smiles a little. “It’s fine. About time I go back anyway. Do you mind if we stop by a convenience store for a bit?”

It’s then that you realize you’ve been blindly following him. You don’t even know the guy. You’ve met him twice before, and your second meeting barely even lasts five minutes, yet you readily follow him because you know you’ll be more comfortable with him than there–more safe, more… secure.

Fuck, you didn’t even ask him where he’s taking you earlier. It was almost automatic the way you followed his steps. You try to convince yourself that it’s his familiarity that makes you feel safe. Because even if you don’t know him that well, his face is still one imprinted in your head so it’s normal that you’d feel safer than you would with any other person in that club.

Plus, you’ve talked to him once before and he at least passed the vibe check, right?

But as you pile these thoughts in your head, trying to justify the uncalled feeling of security this stranger brings you, deep down you know why exactly your anxiety seeps away at the sight of him earlier, why your shoulders drop down in relief, and why your chest is no longer filled with dread.

“Here, have this.”

That’s why. You think to yourself.

Wonwoo isn’t smiling at you, but there’s a kind of warmth that he radiates as he hands you a drink and ushers you to sit on the table in front of the convenience store. There’s a certain warmth that reaches you as he sits in front of you and places a hot bun on the table, pushes it towards you without saying anything.

You watch him slot his hands into the pocket of his jackets, and you suddenly wonder if he gets cold easily. It’s not that cold outside, though you suppose it is one in the morning and the wind picks up a little at times like this.

“Thanks.” You mumble as you wrap your fingers around the small bottle of warm honey water. You can’t help but smile at the drink of his choice, a little funny how he didn’t get you a hot chocolate or tea; something most people would usually get. “Can I ask why honey?”

He blinks, as if not getting what you’re talking about until you hold up the glass bottle for him to see.

Wonwoo panics a little. He has bought the drink without thinking, a part of his mind that stores the information about you from his dream making him do so. In fact, it was only yesterday that he dreamt of you drinking one.

The dream is still vivid in his mind. He dreamt of you sleeping, and he assumed he was trying to sleep himself when you jolted awake out of nowhere, eyes frantic and hands flailing around looking for him. He saw himself whispering words of comfort to you, and he saw you burying yourself into him like there’s any space between the two of you before he pulled away and said he’d get you some drink from the kitchen.

You had smiled weakly at the sight of your favorite drink, a warm honey water that always comforted you at nights like this.

“Do you not like it? I can get you something else if you want?”

“No, it’s fine.” You smile, something inside you blooming dangerously at his words and what you may or may not be implying with yours. “Just… I usually drink those too. Some of my friends judge me for that.”

He’s more surprised about the fact that you share this with your past self more than anything, but, still, he asks. “Huh? Why?”

“Just because it’s unusual, I suppose.” Shrugging, you proceed to open the lid and take a sip. “Not a lot of people drink this, you know? Or, at least, they drink it cold. I prefer it warm.”

He wonders if you share anything else with your past self. So far, there’s been two: Autumn and this drink. Would you be suspicious if he threw it out there? Would you freak out?

“Someone I know eats watermelon only if it’s frozen; I’m sure it's just a preference on your part.”

You smile shyly as you answer him, an image that’s forever burned into his mind. “I do that also.”

His mind runs a thousand hundred scenarios of what this could mean, wonders if it’s simply a coincidence or if the universe is on to something.

“Aren’t you special,” he smiles tightly, hoping that you don’t catch upon his awkwardness.

“Thank you for putting it that way.” The sound of your laughter makes him want to be selfish; to drag out conversations and spend as much time as possible with you even though he knows you have a soulmate. Is it considered cheating like this? Is he immoral for wanting this? “My friends also judge me because I don’t like cheese cake, cheese sauce and anything cheese flavored even though I don’t mind an actual cheese.”

“You… don’t like cheese cake?” Wonwoo blinked, unsure if he heard right. He wasn’t a cheese lover or anything, but he didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone who grimaced at the word ‘cheese cake’.

“They’re too… cheesy.”

“Autumn, it’s called cheese cake for a reason.”

“And the texture… yuck.” You grimaced before telling him to stop talking about it before you lose your appetite.

“Are you judging me too?” Your voice snaps him out of his gaze, and he blinks a few times before he shakes his head no. This can’t be good, fuck. It’s been less than 10 minutes since he’s been talking to you, and yet his heartbeat is out of control and the fact that you share a lot of things with the illusion of yourself that he’s developed an attachment for isn’t good at all.

He tries his best to remind himself that his feeling isn’t real; that perhaps he’s too blinded by something that he’s been holding on to and he doesn’t know what to do now that it’s somewhat changing. That he’s confused and he shouldn’t do anything that would cause him further confusion.

But with you in front of him, as real as you can be, smiling and launching into a bunch of topics that is actually dear to his heart, he can’t help but indulge his feelings and bask in your presence, in your smile and your voice, in the sound of your laughter and the way you lean forward so you can speak to him better, a habit that he notices the you in his dream also had.

So he lets go.

Whatever consequence that awaits him, he’ll face it when it comes. Right now, he just wants to pretend like you don’t have a soulmate who’s probably waiting for you back home–who may be worried sick because you haven’t looked at your phone even once since the moment he sits down in front of you.

Wonwoo isn’t usually selfish and he hopes that the universe will let him go this one time for wanting to be–for wanting to keep you to himself even for a limited time. Even if you aren’t aware of it.

This chance might not come again, he tells himself. The chance of talking to you under the stars in front of a random convenience store at ungodly hours, like you’re just two people talking to each other–like soulmates isn’t a thing and he’s free to feel whatever it is he’s feeling.

He wants this, he realizes as his eyes flicker down to your lips for a few seconds, subtle enough for you to miss. He wants a real memory of you. Something real that he can keep to his heart, something that isn’t a part of his dream and a fragment of his memories. And even though he’d go home feeling empty and he’d curse himself tomorrow, it doesn’t matter because what matters now is that you’re here with him and he’s going to take as much as you’re willing to give him.

“I’ve finished reading the book, by the way.” You open another topic. A controversial one, if you may say so yourself, and you know deep down what you’re trying to do by saying this even though you’ll deny it if anyone asks.

“Oh yeah? How do you find it?”

“I think I agree with most of what he said.” You bite your lip, your mind wandering to Joshua for the first time since you saw Wonwoo. “I just… I don’t know. I’m not anti soulmate, I just don’t see why you should succumb to your… instincts? Feelings? And simply accept your soulmate without thinking too much about it.”

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything for a moment and you wonder if he disagrees with you or if he’s simply gathering his thoughts. He seems thoughtful, perhaps trying to find words that won’t offend you before he offers you his opinion.

“Can I ask why you started thinking that way?” he asks instead, and it’s your turn to be silent and arrange your words.

Because you don’t know.

You can’t tell since when do you feel this strongly about the soulmate situation. You used to be quite indifferent about it, not having any opinion whatsoever though you sure weren’t as excited as the other kids your age when it came to romanticizing anything about soulmates.

Your friends would talk about their dream scenarios of the first meeting with their soulmates, or they would go on and on about looking forward to meeting them.

But you were never that excited.

It was just another thing in your life: like eating ice cream or trying out a new cafe. There’s nothing so special about it.

“I think…” You contemplate, wondering if you want to be that honest with this beautiful, familiar stranger in front of you. “It was when I met my soulmate?”

Wonwoo seems surprised, probably not sure how to interpret your words and you don’t blame him at all.

“Sorry?”

“You know how people say that there are… fireworks? And butterflies? Just those big, grandiose feelings blooming inside your chest at once when you meet your soulmate?” He nods, trying to see where you’re going with this. “Well, I… didn’t feel those when I met mine. Sure, it all made sense and it just kinda… clicked in my head. Like a moment of eureka, if you will. But I wasn’t… excited or anything of the sort. If anything, my heartbeat picked up because I was anxious, already worried about what he might expect of me and all that.”

You refuse to look at Wonwoo. You’re not sure what kind of answer that you expect from him, but he doesn’t seem like he’d judge and, between the ungodly hour and the little alcohol that’s left in your system, it feels relieving to finally be able to say this out loud.

You’ve never been able to. Not only because people would call you crazy, but because you know no one wouldn’t not judge you for it.

But here in front of Wonwoo… Jeon Wonwoo who you’ve only met for the third time in your life, you feel safe for reasons that you can’t comprehend.

So you continue. You’ll blame it on the alcohol tomorrow morning, even though you know you’re not intoxicated enough for it to be the case. You’ll justify yourself by saying Wonwoo isn’t a friend and he knows no one in your life–that if this goes south, you technically wouldn’t lose anything.

Yeah.

That’s how you’ll go down this road.

“I mean… I love him, you know?” You would’ve seen Wonwoo’s face drop had you not been busy staring at your nails, still too afraid to look at him despite the resolve you’ve made. “But not… that way.”

“Like… platonic?” Wonwoo offers, careful.

“Yeah…” You bite your lip, trying to stop the tears that suddenly blur your eyes. “Like platonic.”

You hate yourself for the way your heart lightens at your own words. Because even though it’s something that you’ve thought of once before, you bury it so deep somewhere you can’t reach. You never say it out loud to anyone; never admit it to yourself even though you know it’s true.

And to say it like this to another person–out in the open… You hate yourself so fucking much because it’s true and you’re somehow going to hurt Joshua even if you don’t mean to.

Wonwoo panics at the sight of your tears, at the way your lips tremble and the way he’s sure your nails are digging into your palms. He doesn’t know what to do, unsure about what he can do because you’re…, he winces as he thinks to himself, not even a friend.

What is the appropriate distance he needs to keep? Is he even allowed to comfort you? He can’t even be relieved at your revelation because you’re obviously not fine and there’s something churning at the pit of his guts the longer he sees you try to stop yourself from crying.

It’s when a sob eventually escapes your lips that he stops thinking. Because how can he stand still when you’re there crying like you’re admitting a crime worthy of a death sentence? When you can’t even lift your head because you’re trying so damn hard to hide your face and your tears?

He hears you gasp when he wraps his arms around you, something that he wishes you’re okay with, and if there’s anything Wonwoo would describe as magical, it’s the way you perfectly fit against him as you press yourself closer for comfort, your forehead on his neck and your tears warm against his skin. He’s sure he’s just making things up, but it feels like there’s a soft wind going through his whole body, leaving trails of goosebumps on his arms.

It’s probably not the most appropriate moment for him to be feeling that way, but he doesn’t have time to be guilty because it seems like you somewhat share the sentiment–pulling away like you’re electrocuted before you look at him wide-eyed and gaping.

“Won–”

“I’m an outlier.” He cuts you off, riding the rush he’s feeling across his body and letting his honest words get out before he can think too much. He doesn’t know why but he feels like he should tell you and he should do it right now. “I don’t have a soulmate and–”

“Kiss me?” There’s urgency and a slight tremble in your voice as you ask this, fingers grasping the material of his shirt tightly like it’s your lifeline.

“But your soul–”

“Wonwoo, please?”

It’s hard to tell who moves first, or perhaps you two move at the same time, but the moment his lips meet yours, Wonwoo would like to retract his statement earlier about your embrace being magical because it’s nothing compared to this.

It’s absolutely nothing compared to the thousand fireworks exploding in his chest at different intervals–never stopping and electrifying in the most pleasant way possible. He doesn’t know it’s possible for humans to feel this way. Is this what people with a soulmate feels like when they meet their soulmate? Isn’t this what you said earlier: fireworks and butterflies?

It’s not even butterflies in his stomach. He’s pretty sure there’s an earthquake down there. But, the most important of them all, it feels right and it makes sense even though it shouldn’t be.

The longer his lips move against yours, your fingers grasping the front of his shirt to pull him closer while his fingers thread through your hair to pull you closer, the more it feels like… fuck, he hates to say it but, it feels like it’s meant to be.

It’s only because you both need to take a breath that you pull away, and Wonwoo doesn’t think it’s possible for his heart to run even faster than it already is, but it is because, Christ, the way you look like you’re in a trance and your slightly swollen lips are doing things to his heart that he has never experienced before.

It’s a mystery how long you spend looking at each other like that in silence, wrapped against each other without saying anything. He wants so badly to just kiss you senseless once again, but the gears in his head are starting to turn and he knows the right thing to do is to talk.

You have a soulmate. But you asked him to kiss you and he did. And it was magical and all the good things he’s heard before, but it’s not supposed to be… right?

“What was that?” You whisper, more to yourself than to him. “I… I don’t understand?”

He whispers your name softly, trying to pull away only for you to pull him closer again, your eyes full of distress and your body tense, a complete 180 from how you were just seconds ago.

“W—why?” You look at him like he has an answer. But he doesn’t, because he’s not even sure what you’re asking about and he’s still trying to find words to say. “This… this is what they say about–about fireworks and… and butterflies but… you’re not my soulmate? What does this mean?”

Wonwoo tries once again, this time reaching out to caress your hair to calm you down. It helps, because your shoulders visibly relax and he reminds you to breathe. You refuse to let go of him though, and his heart squeezes painfully at how shaken up you seem to be.

“Hey, I’m–I’m not going anywhere, okay?” He tells you softly, trying to appear calm even despite what he’s feeling inside. But he can’t show it. Not when you look so lost and your feelings are presumably all over the place. “I’ll just… get some stuff inside. I’ll be back in a minute, I promise.”

True to his words, Wonwoo comes back not even a minute late with a pack of tissues and two water bottles. He opts to sit right beside you as he hands you the tissue and opens the water for you.

“Here, drink this.”

“Thanks.” You murmur quietly, embarrassed now that you’ve (somewhat) come to your senses. There’s a thousand questions running through your head, some of them hateful, loathing yourself for asking another guy to kiss you when you have a soulmate who’s probably worried sick at home because you haven’t texted him at all since you left the club.

But you have more pressing matters at hand–like why did Wonwoo actually kiss you, and why did it feel like how people around you have been describing what it feels like to be with your soulmate? And… Did he say he’s an outlier?

“Feeling better?” His voice is meek, like he’s not sure if it’s okay to talk to you. But you’re too all over the place to think about politeness and whatnot. It’s a trainwreck inside your head. Your head isn’t dizzy because you’re overthinking; it’s dizzy because you’re thinking of too many things at once–it’s thought after thought after thought after thought. They’re colliding and everything’s a mess.

“You felt that too right?” is the first thing that you manage to say and it’s only after you say it that you realize how horrifying it would be if Wonwoo says no.

He nods, albeit hesitantly, but you don’t really mind because you’ll take anything right now. “It’s… what was that? Why… Why do I feel it with you but not Joshua?”

Joshua is your soulmate, Wonwoo registers in his mind, and he looks at you helplessly, his heart dropping a little at the mention of his name. Should he tell you? About the dreams and the memories? He thinks the dreams and the memories are simply, well, dreams and memories after he met you and Joshua all those nights ago.

Perhaps he really is just an outlier, a special one at that, but that’s about it. He has trampled any hope of making something out of his dreams when it’s clear that you belong to someone else in this lifetime. The universe that gifts him the memory of his past life with you, one that arranges another meeting in this lifetime with you, is the same fucking universe that decides you have a soulmate and it’s not him.

What the fuck was he supposed to do?

But with how he–and you, apparently–feel earlier, he doesn’t think it’s a meaningless coincidence.

He might’ve considered it as one if it was only him feeling it. That he might’ve been desperate and any contact that he was to have with you would simply be magical because it’s nothing but an illusion on his part.

But you?

You’ve just said you feel it too, whatever it might be. And he feels a glimpse of hope even though the whole situation is completely fucked up and there’s no way to get around it without hurting anyone.

How would you feel if you knew?

Would you freak out?

Would you hate him for hiding it?

Would you think he was planning something against you?

Would you laugh at his face and call him crazy?

“You know something.” Your voice brings him back to reality, your eyes searching his face. You don’t sound accusing, you sound downright confused and, dare he says, a tad bit hopeful. “There’s something you’re not telling me… right?”

Wonwoo takes a deep breath and braces himself for whatever he might need to face afterwards. He owes you that much, he thinks to himself. To a certain extent, his memory is your memory, and if you’re as distraught as you seem to be, he hopes this would help you somehow.

“I remember my past life.” He says as calmly as he can, carefully hiding his fear somewhere behind. “They come to my dreams. I thought it was just dreams at first, but they’re… memories and they’ve been getting longer since I met you. Clearer, too.”

It’s hard to say why you’re not freaked out, why you simply believe him like it’s not the craziest thing you’ve heard in your life. But if the universe can decide two people are destined for each other and grant marks to people to seek their other half, why should this be regarded as impossible?

“Did you… know me in your past life?”

Wonwoo smiles bitterly, and it takes everything in you not to reach out to cup his cheek–tell him that he can be honest and you’re going to listen to him no matter what.

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

“As honest as you can be.”

“I might sound crazy.” He whispers, basking in your touch. “This… might affect you in a bad way.”

“Crazier than you remembering your past life?” You smile a little as you say this, which he returns. He appreciates your attempt to lighten up the atmosphere, and he reaches up to take the hand that was cupping his cheek, his fingers tighten around yours before he braces himself once again.

“You were my soulmate.” He rips the bandaid in one go, afraid that he wouldn’t be able to say it otherwise.

It’s hard to describe what you’re feeling: your breath is caught in your throat, the revelation means more than you thought it would. But it’s not shock that’s filling you up. No. It’s recognition, acceptance, and tears because things finally make sense.

“I promised you that I’d find you again in our next life and–”

It finally fucking makes sense why you always feel like there’s something missing in your life, why Joshua’s arrival doesn’t fill it up even though you secretly thought it would; why you feel that pull with Wonwoo since that first time you met him.

You remember that day still. You were just taking a walk, there was no plan whatsoever to sit around and spend time out in the open when it’s so hot outside. But you had seen him by himself, and it felt like time stopped for a few moments and you were enchanted. You felt compelled to look at him–to approach him and ask if it’s okay to take the empty seat on his table.

It wasn’t magical, your first meeting, but something about Wonwoo had pulled you in and you didn’t even try to question it.

The shock you felt when he called you ‘Autumn’ never really died down. And while you tried to convince yourself that it’s simply because it had been a long time since someone referred to you with that name and it was a nickname that is so dear to you, you could feel deep down that there was something else.

And then there was that dream.

Wait.

Right, that dream.

Is that dream…?

“Ginkgo leaf?” You whisper out of nowhere, trying to recall what you saw all those nights ago. “Was that your mark? In your previous life… was that your mark?”

It’s his turn to look at you in shock, the way he’s gaping at you wide-eyed giving you the answer you were looking for.

“H–how?”

“I had a dream, once.” You’ve never felt this vulnerable in your life, but how can you not be when it feels like you’ve just found the reason you’ve been seeking for your whole life? “It was… that night we met… at Namsan. It was your birthday and we were celebrating with a cake and–”

“Hey, breathe?” Wonwoo cuts you off, and you squeeze his fingers in return, only then realizing that you’ve been holding hands the whole time. “Take your time, okay?”

“And I saw the ginkgo leaf on your wrist…” You finish, trying your best not to glance at his wrist even though you know it’s not there. “I didn’t get to see mine though, and that’s why I didn’t assume you were my soulmate.”

“I see…”

You hate how defeated he sounds. And for all the time you’ve been doubting the universe, questioning its means and cursing its ways, you don’t know what to do right now.

Should you be cursing it some more for putting Wonwoo in that position? For making you feel the way you feel only to find out the reason why is because your heart is apparently caught in the past? What does this make Joshua? What does this make your entire relationship with him?

You ask about his dreams, and even though Wonwoo is hesitant at first, he gets more comfortable the more he relays them. And you feel like crying because, apparently, all of them are about you. There’s not one single dream that doesn’t have you in it, and it feels like a punch to your guts to know that he has to live his life with this replaying in his mind, that he can’t even talk about it to anyone because he doesn’t want to risk it, that he’s been keeping something this big for his whole life because he doesn’t really have any other choice.

You grief about the memories you don’t have. About what could’ve been and about the pain Wonwoo has to go through by himself because the universe has arranged you to be with someone else when he’s been seeing pictures of you with him in his dreams.

“What… what do you think we should do?” You throw the question out there, hope that someone has the answer. But Wonwoo stays silent, and he looks at you with eyes full of yearning that wrenches your soul. You know what he’s trying to say. You’re the one who has a soulmate. Whatever that he might want with you, what he might’ve imagined throughout the entire time he has those memories, they all don’t mean anything because you’re off limits.

“I don’t… think there’s anything that we can do.”

“But–”

“It’s okay.” He shakes his head with a sad smile. “I didn’t… I wasn’t expecting anything. I didn’t even think I’d be talking about this with you.”

“But, still!” You’re grasping his hand tightly–as if he’ll be gone if you let go even slightly. “This… this has got to mean something!”

“You have a soulmate.” He reminds you, his voice shaking. And tears blur your eyes once again at how resigned he sounds, but can you blame him? The universe has fucked him up in more ways than one, you would’ve lost it a long time ago if you were him, but here he is, taking care of you still even though it might make things worse for him.

“Do you love me?”

Wonwoo exhales deeply, pressing his lips together to hide the fact that they’re trembling because he’s so close to tears.

“I know my past self loved you more than life itself.”

“Do you love me?”

“Look–I…”

“Because there’s—there’s clearly something because my heart feels like it’s about to burst and I already want to be with you all the time.” You cry as you honestly bare yourself in front of him, as you tell him all the emotions that have been going through you since the kiss you share with each other minutes ago. “I don’t… I’ve never felt like this before and I’ve always questioned why–wonder what went wrong and if there’s some kind of mistake. But I couldn’t do anything because supposedly he’s my soulmate and I’m supposed to accept that. Because it’s a given and it’s obvious and there’s just no fucking reason for me to question it.”

Wonwoo lets his tears fall as you say all this, his hands warm against yours and he relishes at the way you’re holding on to them tightly, like you want to convince him that there’s something–some way to go around this.

“But you just gave me a reason to question it now.” You sob, reminding him about the talk you had the first time you met each other.

If fate and destiny actually exist, who is there to say that what the universe has decided for you is your best path?

You must look absolutely hideous right now, with tears all over your face that won’t stop no matter how many times you wipe them. But you don’t care, because you finally feel content with him beside you. Because even though it’s selfish and you would need to figure out the whole Joshua situation, you’re not going to let go of the person who finally makes you feel complete, who makes you realize the things your friends have been saying are all true: that it just makes sense, that it’s practically binding to the point where you even hate to think about having to separate with him after this night ends.

“You told me I could always go against my destiny if that’s what I choose to do. Why are you not letting me? Do you not feel it?”

“I do. I swear, I feel it too.” He wipes the last of his tears and calms himself down, makes you panic when he tries to let go of your hands only for his palm to rest warmly against the side of your face. “But you have a soulmate and it’s not something that you can decide by yourself. It wouldn’t be fair to him, don’t you think?”

“Has the universe ever been fair to you?” You ask him, wondering how he can still have this much consideration for someone who he should’ve harbored ill feelings for.

“It leads me to you, doesn’t it? In two different lifetimes too.” He smiles and caresses your cheek, wiping your tears also.

“Please stop making me cry.” You whisper weakly, certain that your eyes will be red and puffy once you’ve stopped crying.

Wonwoo chuckles at this, and the sound of his small laughter brings a smile out of you despite the tears.

“I’m not saying you’re not in your right mind. But perhaps… we’re too high on our emotions right now, don’t you agree?”

You don’t. You really don’t. But you get what he’s saying so you nod and instead bask in the way his thumb is caressing the apple of your cheek.

“So what do you suppose we should do?

“You… might want to think this through and have a talk with… Joshua.” It’s bizarre to hear Joshua’s name from Wonwoo, but you know he’s right and if… if you want to try whatever it is you’re going to try with Wonwoo, you don’t want to do it in hiding and you don’t want to betray Joshua’s trust and respect more than you probably already have at this point. He might hate you, he might not accept it, but you have to at least try and a part of you believes Joshua would understand somehow. “And then we can decide from then?”

“Okay…” You close your eyes and lean forward to rest your forehead against his shoulder, feeling his arm pulling you closer and trying to memorize his scent and his warmth to calm the erratic beat of your heart. “Okay.”

Wonwoo takes you home, sitting a good distance from you in the taxi like you both weren’t pressed against each other just minutes prior. But you know why he’s doing it, and you still appreciate him for going with you just to make sure you’ll go back safely even if he doesn’t have to.

For the first time that night, your mind wanders to Joshua. About how you should approach the subject with him and all the consequences you might need to face afterwards. It’s not going to be pretty even if Joshua somehow understands: what would you say to your family? To his family?

But you can’t let go of Wonwoo. Not now that you’ve met him, that you’ve found out what his existence means to you and you’ve felt all the magic you’ve been hearing from other people.

You wonder now if the reason why you’ve questioned the whole soulmate system is because it doesn’t apply to you personally. Because you didn’t feel the pull and all that should’ve come along with the first meeting.

Now that you’ve felt it with Wonwoo… You glance at him, which Wonwoo catches almost right away. He smiles at you, though you can tell his eyes are full of worries, his mind probably elsewhere. You don’t blame him though, what has transpired tonight is beyond the two of you; it’s only right for him to be out of it.

You suddenly feel like one of those stupid main characters in a romance movie, one who would throw everything away for a man they barely know. But your heart knows Wonwoo, yearns for him before you even know it. In a world where two people are destined to be together… you don’t think it’s stupid of you to want to do this.

When the driver tells you that you’ve arrived you hesitate before you get off, not wanting to leave Wonwoo. But he smiles in encouragement, tells you that you have his number and you’re free to text him after you’ve figured things out.

He omits Joshua from his sentence, but you know that’s what he means.

“Hey.” He calls for you right when you’re about to close the door and reaches out to squeeze your hand once, letting go before you can return the gesture. “Don’t rush it, okay? Take your time. I’ll be waiting. You know I’m good at that.”

Wonwoo waits.

Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months.

There’s a reason why he gave you his number instead of asking for yours.

He wants you to be ready before deciding anything, wants you to make the decision that you think is best for you.

He knows he’d call you right away if he has your number, to make sure you’re okay and to see how you’re doing.

But that’d be even more painful, he feels like. More painful than a thousand scenarios going through his mind because he’s by himself. At least like this, he knows it’s nothing but scenarios that he comes up with; nothing is real and it’s all in his head.

Like his dreams.

Like his memories.

He exhales as he looks at his phone once again, waiting for your message that isn’t coming.

The third time Wonwoo meets you might be the last time he sees you, after all.

Three months later, October comes around, yellow leaves telling him that autumn has arrived. Not his Autumn, obviously, and he glares at the ginkgo tree he passes by that is still annoyingly green even though everything else has started to turn yellow.

The third week of October, you finally text Wonwoo, apologizing for the time you took and asking if it’s still okay to see each other even though it’s been months since then. He says yes, of course, and you’re currently sitting anxiously in the taxi on your way to his place.

You don’t know how Wonwoo is going to take what you’re about to tell him and you don’t think it’s wise to be having this conversation out in the open; hence why you’re thankful that he agrees when you ask if it’s okay to talk in the privacy of his walls.

“Hi.” He opens the door, offering you a small smile that you return tightly. It’s weird that you immediately feel at peace in his presence despite the anxiety that has been building up in your chest.

“Hi.” You press your lips together, exhaling a deep breath before you apologize to him once again. “Sorry it took me quite some time to text you. I didn’t want to… rush, like you said.”

“It’s okay.” You know it’s not, you can tell by how tense it is and how forced his smile seems to be. Plus, it doesn’t take a genius to know why he looks like he hasn’t been getting decent sleep because you know you probably would’ve looked the same if not for your makeup.

He ushers you to come in, tells you to sit down on the sofa and offers you a drink, in which you say you’re fine with just water.

Wonwoo returns with a cup of warm tea though, and he says that he’s put some honey in it, that you look tense and hopefully the drink helps.

“I figure you’ve made up your mind?”

Truth be told, you can’t even begin to imagine what’s been going on inside Wonwoo’s head. You offered yourself to him only to go missing for three months straight, not even a text that tells him that you’re okay and you’re not forgetting him.

But you didn’t want to text him when things were uncertain, not with what happened right after you got home–with what went down between you and Joshua.

You couldn’t.

That’s why you’ve only finally managed to text him a few days ago. With things being in the clear, you can finally talk to him and decide what’s going to happen moving forward.

“Give me a chance to explain?” You look at him hopefully.

“I wouldn’t tell you to come if I wasn’t going to listen to you.” His smile lifts parts of your tension, and you take a deep breath before you begin, already having imagined this conversation a hundred times in your head.

“Joshua was there when I came home that night.” You bite your lip, already feeling like crying as you recall that scene in your head. “He was on the floor, passed out. He wouldn’t wake up no matter how much I shook him, and I realized he was clutching his neck–right where our soulmate marks are. It was hot, like it was burning before, and I called the hospital right away and–”

“Wait–burning?”

“Yes and… and the mark was fading and it was only hours later that I realized mine was fading also.” You swallow hard at this, a painful wave crashes against your heart as you recall his face when he came to, when he told them what happened and when they told him what actually happened.

“It just… started burning out of nowhere.”

The doctor glanced at you, your eyes were puffy from crying even more than you already did before that, your fingers tight against Joshua’s because you thought you’d lost him.

“Did you feel the burn also?” The doctor pulled you out after Joshua fell back asleep, a conclusion already knitting itself together in her mind. There’s no way you’d be fine enough to stand on your own feet if you had felt the burn, but still, she had to make sure before jumping into conclusions.

“No…” You sniffled. “I… was out with… a friend and he already passed out when I came back home.”

“No pain, at all?”

You shook your head, mentally and physically exhausted after everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours.

“No. I–He’d be fine, right?” You asked in desperation. “What… what happened, exactly?”

“We need to run some more tests. But… you’re sure you didn’t feel anything at all?”

“No, I didn’t. I really didn’t. Does that mean anything?”

“They… they said it’s the universe… taking our marks from us.” You force a smile just right after the first tear falls, your feelings still all over the place even though almost three months have passed since then. “Apparently, it had happened before. Though it’s been fifty years or so since they last heard of a case. They couldn’t really tell why it happened because there weren’t many cases to study and compare, but I felt like… I might have an idea why it happened so I met the doctor privately and told her about you.”

Wonwoo holds back the urge to reach for your hands that are balled into fists, to free your lower lip from your teeth because he’s sure you’d bleed if you bite down just a tad bit harder.

“She said that there’s a possibility that I was right. That… the universe is rearranging my soulmate because I met you. It’s not unheard of, but it’s not something that you’d even find in books because it’s some sort of myth at this point.”

You look up to meet his eyes. His heart breaks at how sad you look, and the protective feeling from three months ago when he saw you crying at one in the morning returns at once. He’s not sure if it’s okay to comfort you this time around though, because by the way you’re relaying the story, he can’t tell at all where you stand exactly.

“I was debating with myself whether it would be better to tell him right away or wait until he got better. But Joshua… caught on easily that something bothered me and it just… came out. I didn’t say your name, and I only told him what he might need to know: that I met someone and it just… made sense.

It wasn’t easy. He was the one laying on the hospital bed but he was also the one comforting me. And I felt so bad and I kept on apologizing to him but he said it’s okay and he understood. That it’s not my fault because he knew I didn’t have a say in how I felt.”

From the thousand scenarios Wonwoo has imagined in the three months you left him in silence, this is not one of them. He can’t even begin to imagine how painful it must’ve been for Joshua, both physically and mentally. His mind takes him back to Jisoo, about what she said about the burn she felt and how it affected her after.

How could Joshua say that in his position?

For what it’s worth, Wonwoo is glad to know that you were meant to be with someone as caring as Joshua is–who is so understanding that he would withstand that kind of pain and said it was fine. That he doesn’t blame you for it.

But where does this leave the two of you now?

“He asked me what I wanted to do now that we’re… no longer bonded by the marks. And I told him honestly that I don’t want to lose him; that I still… love him even though it’s not how he expected me to. That I understand if he doesn’t want me around because it can’t be easy to look at someone who used to be your soulmate.”

You’re sobbing at this point, and he hands you some tissues to wipe your tears, reminds you to breathe before you continue.

“Can you… can you hold me, please?” Your voice is small as you say this, as if you’re uncertain whether you’re allowed to ask that. Wonwoo is glad you did though, because he immediately comes closer and pulls you into his chest, offering you whatever comfort he might be able to give that way. “Sorry, I just–”

“Shh. It’s fine.” Whatever the outcome of this conversation may be, this is the least he can do for you. And perhaps a little for himself also, because it’s painful to see you cry and not able to do anything at all. Because he’s been dreaming of hugging you–the you in this lifetime, not the past one–and he’s not going to pass any chance that’s presented in front of him even if it might be wrong. He still doesn’t know how your talk ended with Joshua, but if you asked him to hold you… that should mean something, right? “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?” You sniffle, pulling away to look at him.

“It is my place, so.” He tries to joke to help you relax, and it works because you weakly hit his chest before you exhale another deep breath and continue after Wonwoo makes you take a sip of your tea.

“He… He’d like to keep me around too.” You say quietly, your tears now replaced with hiccups. “But not now. Because it still hurts and… and he says he’d contact me once he’s ready.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

You shrug, burying yourself further into his neck. Is it bad that it feels so right to do this already? Is it bad that you’re doing this when you’re still trying to move on from your guilt?

“I honestly have no idea… But… Well, he says he wants me to be happy with you and that he doesn’t want me to not give you–us–a chance because I feel guilty towards him. That… what’s done is done and he’ll eventually be okay.”

“He’s very kind, isn’t he?” He comments instead, unsure how to feel after everything you’ve said. A big part of him is relieved, but it’s still hard to be completely happy when he knew it cost someone the kind of pain that would last a lifetime.

“The kindest.” You smile for the first time, agreeing with him. “I think that’s also why I’ve always had this guilt within me, you know? Even before I met you. Because I just know I can’t return his feelings but he was supposed to be my soulmate.”

“I understand.” He whispers against your head, leaning his cheek there. “Is that also why it took you three months to text me?”

“Partly… yeah. I ended up taking care of him until he got discharged, and we decided to just… talk to our parents separately about what happened and what… might happen moving forward. And then I spent some time arranging my thoughts and cleaning up his stuff from my apartment. I haven’t given them back to him, but they’re all in a box in my place. So… yeah. Sorry for not texting you at all.”

He hums and holds you tighter, feels the way your arms are also hugging him in apology. He doesn’t press about your parents, he supposes you would’ve talked about it if you want to. But you’ve just relayed a very emotionally loaded story which must be very exhausting in itself.

“I did tell you to take your time.” He says, a smile blooming into his face at what he says next. “Thank you for coming back to me.”

“Thank you for letting me come back to you.” You say instead, pulling away from him to meet his eyes. Your eyes must be puffy from all the crying, gosh, you seem to be crying all the time when you’ve only seen this guy four times in total. You wonder if you were this much of an emotional wreck too in your past life, but you decide against asking about it because it does not matter now.

Your past lives might be the one that eventually leads you to each other; but Wonwoo has probably had enough stories regarding the past life and you don’t see why you should talk about it when you have the future in front of you.

“They’ve stopped, you know?” Wonwoo suddenly says.

“What have?”

“The dreams.” He presses his lips together and looks at you for comfort, which you readily give as you squeeze his shoulder. “They don’t appear anymore. Like, completely stopped. I do dream of you, but not… you from the past life. Just you.”

“How do you know it’s not me from the past?”

He takes your hand before he answers, gently lifts it up to point at your empty wrist and smiles.

“Because there’s no mark on your wrist.”

“Ah… right.” You lean forward to rest your forehead against his shoulder, and you spend a moment like that: your body pressed against each other and the ghost of his lips on top of your head.

It’s then that you whisper, a little afraid but also hopeful–perhaps even excited at what the future might have in store for you two.

“Are we really doing this?”

“A little too late to not do this, I think.” He jokes, which earns him another hit on the chest and a glare that doesn’t affect him at all. He cups your cheek and looks into your eyes, making you shy from the sudden attention. “If you want it then I want it. Easy as that.”

You press your lips together and bask in his stare, get lost in his eyes as you finally try to let go of the guilt holding you down and focus more on the certainty that you felt that night you tried to convince Wonwoo to do something about your situation.

“I’ll be okay.” Joshua reassured you for the nth time as you dropped him off his place, your second home that you probably wouldn’t be able to visit until an indefinite time. “Don’t worry too much about me, okay? You know how I am.”

“I’m really–”

“I don’t want you to apologize again.” He cuts you off, his voice stern. “I don’t blame you, I really don’t. I’m happy to know you’ve met someone that has made you complete. I’m sorry for not being able to do that to you. It must’ve been hard for you all those time, hm? So try to be happy now. Don’t think too much about me. I will be okay, trust me on that. I’ve never gone back on my words, have I? I don’t regret the time I had with you and I don’t want you to feel guilty for not feeling a certain way.”

“Let’s do it, then?” You say, wanting to make sure like there’s any way Wonwoo would say no. “Fuck the universe, right?”

Wonwoo laughs and gently squishes your cheeks before he nods, his forehead leaning to rest against yours, his breath warm against your face even though his lips aren't touching yours just yet.

“Fuck the universe, indeed.”

It's later that night that you point at the inside of his wrist and gasp when you check yours: identical marks of a twin gingko leaves intertwined with each other adorning your wrist and his.

Wonwoo grins.

His Autumn is finally here.

©wonwoonlight – all rights reserved. I don’t allow any reposting, translation, and any other kind of redistribution of this fic. Please tell me if you’re aware of anyone doing this without my permission.

permanent taglist: @kyeomjjigae @stantrash171819 @sebongmochi @luveveryonewoo @thinkinboutwonu @kpopjackie @ursweetener @lavenderautumnx @itsveronicaxxx @shuahoshiscoups @sunshinein17 @leechanniee @twogyuu @hoe4wonwoo @h3h3tm0n @noraehey @seokshook @rubyhoons @02psh @just-here-to-read-01 @listxn @janandbeyond @pearlygraysky @baekhyunstruly @svtreverie @coveyland @reallydgafaboutmyusername @sysymei @ovai @aikisbbq @fr0g-filez @nvmbheart

pls tell me if you wanna be removed btw it's totally ok, no hard feelings!!

A/N 2: well, if you're reading this, thank you once again!! i have never written this trope before and i honestly can't tell at all if you'll like it or not. but i wrote this for wonwoo's birthday, so hopefully i'll have it in me to accept it if it's not your cup of tea. but anyway, it's been some time since i write anything this long also--didn't even know i had it in me to still write anything this long, and it kinda made me realize that... this might be my last long piece for a quite some time. it's not easy to write this, to see my notifications everyday and see less and less feedbacks while the likes take up 95% of them. i've said it before, but it gets discouraging the more it goes. i'm not announcing hiatus or anything, but i hope you know where my blog stands at this point. happy birthday once again wonwoo, my muse, the loml 🥰💕

#caratwritersclub #wonwoo scenarios #wonwoo angst #seventeen scenarios #seventeen angst #seventeen fic #seventeen fluff #seventeen scenario #seventeen au #wonwoo fluff #wonwoo au #wonwoo fanfic #wonwoo imagines #seventeen x reader #seventeen imagines

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tameimpala222 · 1 year

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Do you think Satellite is about Taylor ??

Definitely!

“You got a new life / Am I bothering you? / Do you wanna talk?”

I interpret this as him saying that she’s currently occupied in another relationship but he senses something is wrong and he wants to prompt her to talk.

“We share the last line / Then we drink the wall / 'Til we wanna talk”

So it seems like they hang out occasionally and they both need to get intoxicated before they can actually say what’s on their mind.

Both Taylor and Harry have mentioned that both of them struggle with communication issues in a lot of other songs about each other, so this is totally on brand for them to only speak their mind after getting drunk/high.

“I go 'round and 'round / Satellite”

So he’s either saying he’s beating around the bush to ask her something, or that he’s hovering around her concerned like a satellite to their world/planet.

Fun fact! The ‘Round and round’ line was also used in Taylor’s Style - “but I watch us go round and round each time”. And this song is definitely about Harry. So it’s possible that he’s referencing that line in Style.

“Spinning out, waiting for ya to pull me in / I can see you're lonely down there / Don't you know that I am right here?”

He’s saying that he’s waiting on the ‘outside’ hoping that she’ll finally lower her walls/boundaries and let him in. He’s also saying that he knows she’s lonely and that he can be someone to take away the loneliness.

“I'm in an L.A. mood / I don't wanna talk to you / She said, "Give me a day or two"

I read this as them still having communication issues, but this time it hints that she is willing to work on their friendship(?) by saying she needs some time off first before contacting him again (meaning their bond is progressing — there is hope after all).

“Right here, right here / Spinning out, waiting for ya / I'm here, right here / Wishing I could be there for ya”

This is the climax of the song, with the drop beat. This is him quite literally emphasizing that he “really wishes to be there for her!”

————

So anyway, what I got from this song that is it about a past relationship because he mentions a ‘she’ in the lyrics, and they still talk sometimes and see/hang out with each other but she still keeps him at a distance (that he’s wishing to get closer).

I can’t think of another public relationship that he has had that fits the bill for this song (not Olivia, not Kendall, not Camille). It’s possible that it *could* be about a private relationship but knowing Harry’s fans, he’d never be able to hide a relationship that long without people finding out. One night stands or hookups doesn’t count because the communication issues seems to be of a proper ‘relationship’ problem and not a fling (who needs to communicate in a fling anyway? Lol)

Also, he has written songs about Taylor even during the Fine Line era (see “Him”), so it’s not a stretch to say that he has songs about her in Harry’s House. And Taylor definitely still writes about him. In her latest song “Question…?”, she hints that they still have unfinished business.

The dots, I have connected it!

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solarwynd · 5 months

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https://www.tumblr.com/solarwynd/736542748902080512/this-still-interests-me-a-lot-because-he-said

if its not as ballad-ish as the “cover art”* suggests its most likely hip-hop or r&b based on the producer’s previous work. I would LOVE for it to be r&b (check out lucky daye’s f**kin sound and teyana taylor’s shoot it up both by the same prod) but its probably more likely to be hip-hop based on jimin’s taste and his work on face. i know this is a divisive statement in the pjm community lol but i really hope he’s not rapping in it ��

i just don’t think it favors him at all. with SMF, from a production standpoint its a masterpiece, but i never really got into the rap verses bc of both the lyrics and the vocal production. i get the use of the autotune both technically and narratively, but its just not a good fit for his voice imo.

*i say “cover art” bc smth about it is off, its not clapped in the typical hybe way lol as a graphic design enthusiast, it does look like someone put very different elements together in picsart in under 5 mins. still better than the average tacky hybe artwork though 🤷🏽‍♀️

Jimin’s very versatile in his music. Each song on face was a different genre and even with smf2 it wasn’t rigid hip hop. He still put his own flair on it and that’s what I like about his art. Your view on smf2 is fair I mean listening to it the first time the rap part with the auto tune portion did throw me off at first. I just wasn’t expecting it, but it doesn’t bother me. So i’m in the “fine with it” camp. It’s okay to not vibe with it, it’s okay to think it’s good. They’re all opinions. Only thing that annoys me are the people who do the most with pointing out how much they hate it cause it’s just not that deep.

Also I think jimin favors smf2 as a song and what it stands for, not so much that his taste lies with hip hop. Don’t think we should judge the next single or any other rap forward song he might do based on smf2 because that single nor the others will sound like that. They’ll all have their own style. But like you said, the producer’s repertoire is rnb and rap so chances are it could be that because you go to who specializes in something if you want something similar. He could also just be utilizing highlights of the producer’s production skills to lend it to a song that’s a hybrid like pop/rnb or ballad/rnb for example. Which leads me into the topic of jimin being great at melodic rapping. You see it scattered throughout bts’ discography and even that one part in face-off. I’d honestly be interested to see him tackle that more.

A direction I could see him possibly going in is dominic fike. The dance cover he did to his song “phone numbers.” And I think one of the producers he got pinged to work with worked on that and my favorite song of his “mona lisa.” too. Tbh we’ll never be able to pinpoint exactly what the songs jimin puts out will sound like cause he doesn’t have a fixed sound.

As for the cover art, haven’t seen it so I can’t form an opinion on it. It sounds like the cover for “come back home” from what you described though and that one was a choice that cost energy lol. But I mean as long as the song hits the cover art isn’t really a concern to me.

#shoot it up be teyana is great tho #love loose each other and bare wit me off the album too

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moonbitsys · 5 days

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please for the love of god do real research by actual professionals. if you’re aware of every ‘alter’ in your ‘system’ and openly broadcast it, you don’t have a dissociative disorder. It’s a COVERT disorder. shit like this is literally listed in every research book and paper about DID by DID specialists as a definitive sign that someone is malingering the disorder. very, VERY few people actually are affected by DID (and i mean, like, less than 1% of people. uneducated therapists keep misdiagnosing people with it), and i don’t think you are even aware of the sheer amount of horrific childhood trauma you have to have to even have a chance of having a dissociative disorder. and i don’t mean ‘mind control’ or ‘ramcoa’ because that’s not real. you also can’t randomly "split" introjects by watching or reading something you really like.

you’re hurting actual people who ACTUALLY have DID, and im well aware that you’re going to scoff and delete this ask or say something really rude and dismissive, but i also know that once you grow out of this phase, you’ll think back on this and be embarrassed of how much you’re hurting people who actually have DID, as well as the trans community…

DID isn’t a game. it’s not a trend. it’s a real lived experience by a small amount of people who have experienced horrific trauma like repeated child rape. and you are appropriating it. but it’s fine because it gives you an excuse to LARP as your OCs and favourite characters, right?

You say that as if we don't have any trauma-

But what can i say? Im actually just amused at this and quite honestly we're kinda laughing at this. Because we HAVE a disorder. And it manifests in this way. Sometimes we dont fit in moulds, we're bigger or smaller. Plus i don't really wanna deal with that.

Plus, the tag PRO ENDO was in there. Isn't it easier to just... blacklist the tag? What's wrong with bothering strangers geez

-Ares

PD: LMAO RAMCOA ISNT REAL TELL THAT TO AN ACTUAL ANTI ENDO RAMCOA SURVIVOR I MET- Lilia

PD 2: I... spoke to an actually diagnosed DID system and they're against your points lol. Find a new excuse to send hate to me lol - Fumei

#what can i expect from someone hiding under the anon feature #people like you are what made us turn to endo spaces in the first place #we got bullied and many ACTUALLY DIAGNOSED DID systems agree that we have some form of DID #plus not to be THAT bitch #but idc personally #pro endo #anti endos dni

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menalez · 8 months

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I keep reading the gold star/bi discourse that you have here and in some other places. With some gold stars saying anyone non-gold star is actually bi in denial and comphet does not exist. And I to myself keep wondering how much it's a western problem? The thing is, in my local communities I never had seen anyone say such ideas, bc we all remember how we did grow up and it actually makes sense to women. Now, I am sure a lot of western lesbians would say, that they did grow up oppressed too and managed to be fine. But in such cases I check something like world equality index. And at this point I don't expect that person who did grow up in country rated in around top 10-20 best, to understand me who did grow up in country rated in around after 120th. I know that top countries are still not the best, but there is reason there are in the top and others are not. There is one. It means other are worse. I probably bring more discourse to your blog and sorry for that and I understand if you would not publish it. I am just tired at this point. A lot of western gold stars say they don't want to have compassion for us, and honestly it's fine by me at this point, I am just tired from reading this discourse. Probably would just be blocking from now on to save my mental health.

this debate is indeed very much a western thing. i mean there is one woman that was involved that claimed to be eastern & to have experienced basically the most insane & horrific lesbophobia possible but overall the women who feel strongly that someone’s sexual history must be indicative of their sexual orientation, no matter what their individual circumstances are, tend to be western.

honestly i just recommend to block them as u said and to not bother. i tried discussing with such ppl and at the end of the day they simply lack empathy for other lesbians and can’t wait to twist ur words and rewrite your experiences & reality for you. they aren’t reflective of lesbians nor goldstars specifically nor any other group but themselves.

edit: the one woman claiming to be eastern (goldstarsappho) was unshockingly outed as being a lying white canadian bisexual lol. shocker! so now it’s even more western

#and that circle unironically thinks prostituted lesbians must be bi #and that lesbians in the sex industry must be no #bi**#and that lesbians that disagree with them must be bi #and butch lesbians are likely bi #and lesbians that were coerced when drunk or otherwise under the influence are bi #and that if someone has sex with ur unconscious body then that means ur bi too etc etc etc #like basically unless ur 100% aligned with them ur bi. bc bisexuality is apparently ‘any same sex attracted woman who isn’t exactly like me

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is-this-even-relatable · 2 years

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DANNY PHANTOM FIC IDEA

tldr: danny goes to space (by accident) with NASA. shenanigans ensue.

ALRIGHT GUYS so a long long time ago i found this tumblr post (that i no longer know where it went) and it really got my brain juices flowing. I believe I copied a bit of the post here:

a (one-shot?) Danny Phantom fic where it is SPACE!!! so Danny was fighting with Vlad I think and then he got tired and went to a NASA station and hid in a cupboard to sleep and then he woke up after they launched and were already in space: I want to write a fanfic maybe and here is my concept I was thinking about posting on tumblr——

I feel like this would work reaaaally well as a lighthearted fic, or crack, or comedy in general, or fluff because it’s just DANNY IN SPACE!!!!

I headcanon that Danny doesn’t really need to breathe, since he’s... you know, DEAD. So,,, he can totally go into space unprotected as Phantom! Space shenanigans!!! but obviously if he’s not wearing a suit, he can’t really communicate because duh, no air = no sound wave travel. So he wears a suit anyway, at least just so he can talk with control or whoever/whatever astronauts connect to with their suit radios. (don’t quote me, i know nothing about how astronauts do space stuffs)

SO LIKE IF THIS WAS MADE INTO A FIC WHERE DANNY JUST... BECAME PART OF NASA CREW FOR A BIT OR SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE FREAKING AMAZING AND I WOULD SMASH THAT KUDOS SO HARD

if that was a thing tho (wahhhhh all the ones I’ve ever encountered where he does NASA space stuff are one-shots TT~TT) then i feel like it would have to be set during summer or something to have it make sense why he can just up and go to space without everyone filing a missing person’s report or anything lol.

first off - the setting. (NO PHANTOM PLANET)

- 1: it’s gotta be summer because otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to disappear during school, since everyone would notice. but, this only gives us roughly 3 months for Astronaut!Ghost!Danny to have space shenanigans and fun NASA stuff... so i’m leaning towards number 2

- 2: OR this is set when he is a teensy bit older. he finished high school (managed to graduate with A’s and B’s somehow) and is now gonna take a gap year to finally relax after the stress of fighting ghosts while also having to attend high school is over. so now he can focus on doing the things he wants/likes, and can fight ghosts worry free without having Major Life Consequences. and maaaaaaybe he kinda decided to go around and spy on a bunch of NASA’s facilities in the meantime :D. i mean it’s no big deal, right? he’s just floating around invisibly and intangibly, not really bothering anyone. And it’s not like anyone’s gonna know, all those weird temperature fluctuations are just the air ducts acting up, come on guyyyys that’s not weird and suspicious at all. so Danny is just doing his thing and wow are those pieces of asteroids? dangg look at thattt that’s so cool! and then over ther— OH MY GOD THE ROCKET LAUNCH IS TODAY?!! so obviously he flies over as fast as he can to check out the inside and watch it all happen and ohmygod!!! this is so exciting!!! but then after a few hours of super high strung energy... *yawnnnn* he’s getting real tired now, all that excitement and adrenaline really lends itself to a much harder crash once he calmed down a bit... maybe he could just sit somewhere unobtrusive for a little, yeah. ooh this cupboard looks really nice, i’m sure it’ll be fine here.... *snore* and BOOM the story all spirals from there.

then, the reasons why no one is worried when he goes to space (they would all need to be micro-adjusted per other scenarios, but I think they can all fit with any of the others):

PARENTS

- 1: his parents are on some summer-long cross-country ghost expedition trip and left the kids at home (“do what you want, stay safe!! see you in september!”)

- 2: or maybe they sent danny to a summer retreat or something for several months so they don’t even question the disappearance because he is supposed to be gone the whole summer (this would also explain why Sam/Tucker/Jazz don’t freak out)

JAZZ

- 1: Jazz is in/at college (or otherwise just a not staying at the house for the summer for some other reason, maybe also doing a summer-long boarding camp thing) and thus not worrying about Danny too much (we all know she would 100% be trying to check up on him and make sure he’s ok)

- 2: Jazz is home for the summer, but since she already knows about Danny’s Spoopy Stuff TM, Danny could just figure out a way to tell her he’s in space for a while somehow, or she just wouldn’t be too alarmed since she knows he can take care of himself now OR he told her he wanted to go on a trip like mom and dad are doing except his is to explore fun places like the Kennedy Space Station over the summer, so that’s what he would be doing (“i’ll check in every once in a while, just so you know I’m still dead and everything.” *Jazz pinched the bridge of her nose and tries not to sigh too loudly* “...please try not to get yourself hurt, Danny. You’re not a cat, no matter how much Tucker says the purring makes you one—“ “Hey!” “—so you don’t have 9 lives. At least remember to protect the half-one you have left.” *Danny pouts for a second, but then relents and sighs* “Okay okay, i’ll be EXTRA careful spying on NASA. Scout’s honor.” “you’re not a boy-scout.” “I CAN DREAM, JAZZ”)

VLAD

- 1: there might be some Vlad stuff too (or at least vlad’s perspective because that would be funny to slip in occasionally, if Vlad just couldn’t for the life of him find Danny and just spends the whole summer getting increasingly frustrated and then really worried because where is Daniel??? how did he disappear with no trace??? and then it escalates to where he eventually takes down the whole GIW because he thinks they killed/got rid of Daniel, the only one who could truly understand him they’re gonna p a y).

So it starts like this: Vlad was all hyped up to have this whole summer with no one in the way to try to get Daniel over to his side, but then the brat up and disappears on him before he can make any big moves and now he’s gotta hunt down the pesky little badger, but for some reason his ecto-signature isn’t showing up anywhere, hmm perhaps he is hiding in the ghost zone? or in a different country? and voila he starts searching.

- 2: or, he went after Maddie and Jack on their road trip instead of focusing on Daniel over the summer. Yeah idk, it lacks a bit of oomph, but after thinking about that first scenario so much I just can’t think of anything better.

SAM AND TUCKER

- 1: if this is the older!Danny setting from the top, then they would all be doing different things. Danny would be taking a gap year, Tucker would probably go straight into college (give it up, Tucker is a tech genius and would straight up get into MIT or some ivy league bullshit) and probably get an internship to some big tech company too. and then I feel like Sam might go to college right away to move out from her parents’ house, or she would go to California or something to do activist stuff. let her find her people guys.

- 2: if this is the summer setting, then I feel like they still might be doing different things, similar to how the college scenario worked out. Tucker = tech internship, or starts working with Technus (Danny has mostly friendly relations in this fic, cuz you know… he’s the ghost king and all) to learn tech stuff and whatnot. Sam = gone to go activist/protest, or her parents are taking her on a mandatory trip to do fancy shit she hates. (sorry sam, it’s just the hand you were dealt with)

either way, all 3 of Danny’s closest people, Team Phantom (Jazz, Sam, & Tuck), would notice after not too long that Danny was no longer checking in with them. Naturally, Sam and Tucker ask Jazz about it, since if anyone knew where he was, it would be Jazz, and she says that Danny was exploring NASA. so they look up whatzit goin on and lo and behold, they find out that there was a rocket launch recently. (“Wait, hang on...” Tucker mutters. “Guys, I think I found something.” he calls over to Sam and Jazz, who were sitting on the other side of the room, bouncing ideas back and forth of where Danny could be. They stop taking and walk over to where Tucker is typing away at the computer. “What is it?” Sam asks. “Ok so the last time any of us heard from Danny was two weeks ago, right?” “Yes, that was when he was telling me about the new rovers that are being built for the Mars explorations.” -Jazz “Yeah, so I looked up anything related to NASA that happened since then and... you guys aren’t gonna believe it.” Sam quirked an eyebrow at him. “Believe what?” Tucker took a breath, then blurted it all out in one go. “TherewasarocketlaunchandIthinkDannytotallystowedinsideorsomething.” Sam and Jazz just blinked at him for a couple of seconds before their brains caught up. “I’m sorry, <em>come again</em>? I think you just said Danny hitched a ride up into space?” Jazz squeaked. Sam groaned and looked up at the ceiling, covering her face with her hands. “Ughh, of course he would.” Jazz looked back at him. “Tucker, you’re sure?” “Well,” he fidgeted, “it makes the most sense, and there aren’t really any other big events that happened up until now. Him being in space would explain why he wouldn’t be able to contact us, and it’s much more likely that he jumped at the chance to go to freaking SPACE (come on, this is Danny we’re talking about) than say, a natural portal swallowed him up into another dimension.”

aaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s my idea. Please if anybody wants to adopt it feel free to message me! I might also write something for this in the future but hey… who knows if i’m ever really gonna get to that? so it’s up for grabs!!

#danny phantom #prompt #dp #older!danny #danny in space #space shenanigans #fic prompts #my idea #free to adopt #please tag me if anyone makes anything!#mine #isthisevenrelatable #is-this-even-relatable #space obsession!danny

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dukeofriven · 2 years

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Saw a really bad take today that basically boils down to "why bother separating art from the artist when there's so much other art out there: just go enjoy the other art. Nobody cares if you have fond memories of the old art just go make new ones lol."

It’s bad for a few reasons. Let’s get down to cases. (Warning: I talk about Barthes.) 1) That's not how brains work. I can’t tell someone to stop being in love with someone. I can’t tell someone that their favourite city is a hellhole. I can’t even tell someone to stop enjoying kale. I mean... I can, but not with any expectation of a serious result. Neither you nor I can usually meaningfully affect the desires, wants, and tastes of others: we can provide counterfactuals to taste, such as ‘the person you’re in love with is cruel to me and other people you care about maybe you shouldn’t love them,’ or ‘LA is a vapid town full of vapid people and it smells bad you shouldn’t like going there,’ or especially ‘kale was forged in the darkest pits of Utumno by the dark lord Melkor in mockery of spinach and your mouth cringes at the flavour stop eating that shit,’ but that usually has no effect. And that’s fine. That’s how brains work. Especially in the neuro-divergent community, in which hyper-fixations are something people can have really no control over, swanning-in and telling someone to just... like something else, telling someone to just abandon the thing their brain has subsumed into its quintessence as a form of day-to-day stability, their wellspring of pleasure in a brutal word—that’s not going to work (and a smug little ‘lol’ at the end of your post does not change the fundamental rudeness of the imperative.)

2) Especially in regards to bigger media franchises (and speaking as someone who finds critique really important), there's something unhinged in acting like we can all just divorce ourselves from things that have had inescapable impact on culture because we don’t like them, either from a taste standpoint or a moral standpoint (although the two are far too often conflated these days.)

To pick an example at random: The Mists of Avalon is one of the most important books in all of feminist fantasy. It is extraordinarily influential and traces of it can be found in the writers who followed in its wake, writing homages, writing counters, all encouraged or driven by these later writers relationships to Mists. Mists of Avalon’s author is, alas, someone whom we would now, socially, very much like to shove down the memory hole, but we cannot reverse the effects of Mists. It will never go away, and to pretend that it has—to act as though it never existed, or that by not acknowledging it and its influence (or, perhaps more crucially, by not studying it or engaging with it to understand why everything that came after it owes it a debt) is the morally correct choice is an approach to art that I reject. It is based on a wrong-headed belief that art should only ever be a form of comfort, both textually and meta-textually. The viewpoint seems to be that if the art has a ‘problem,’ if it cannot be fully comforting, then it should be abandoned. Absurd. Idiotic. Juvenile. We hobble ourselves as critical thinkers (which we should always strive to be) when we ignore these nested layers of understanding—the strata of pop culture—that everything is built on. I find that dangerous. If you don’t know what came before then you can’t understand what got you here or where you’re going, and you don’t really comprehend all that a text might be trying to say. All sorts of important things fall through the cracks when you start ignoring any art you find personally distasteful.

3) If you cannot separate art from artist then you're going to lose a lot of good, interesting, or challenging art, particularly in places where the divergence between your opinion and the artist is relatively small. For every criminal whose work you might reasonable find no longer palatable, there's other nuanced authors for whom you are simply not similar. I disagree with Tolkien in several major ways, but I think excising his art out of culture or simply my life results in a much poorer experience of living. Which leads to:

4) The farther back you go the more art and artist are intrinsically divorced because we simply don't know all that much about the artist. Most great paintings are functionally anonymous, and there are entire centuries where biographies (at least to the degree modern fandom content consumption seems to demand) essentially do not exist. We cannot study Shakespeare and know if the man was more distasteful than we might like in his personal life. I cannot promise you that Shakespeare was never gross to someone in a bar. I cannot promise you he never pressured people unduly, or scammed people out of money, or defended a really gross friend. I cannot prove that away from his writing he wasn’t gross to women, or queer people, or foreigners, that there was not the Tudor equivalent of Twitter receipts for scandalous, problematic behaviour lurking in his life. We just don’t know enough about Shakespeare to speak with much certainty on his moral virtue as an artist—and that needs to be okay. We actually need to separate art from artist more, because the assumption that social media has brought is that we should have intimate, daily access to an artist’s life, opinions, political beliefs, and even location. That’s wrong. That’s grotesque, and intrusive, and it is just messed up! No! You don’t need to know anything about an artist to enjoy their work! Shit, you shouldn’t have to know anything about an artist to consume their work if the work gives you pleasure, or interest, or does anything to you that art is meant to do. Despite the extremely bad fandom interpretation, Roland Barthes’ Death of the Author (which, hey, opens with an sentence that some might well consider transphobic, so are we going to declare Barthes problematic and stop using Death of the Author to justify our awful fan fic choices? I mean that would require any of you to have ever read it, but, y’know...) does not argue that the author had no influence on the content of a work, that an author’s beliefs, politics, and choices can be separated from (or, more specifically, ignored-in)the text—especially if we don’t like it. Barthes’ argument is, in fact, that that act of transmission, the alchemy of art-creation, forever sunders a work from its author by the very nature of language itself. Even should I tell you the extremely autobiographical short story of “yesterday I went to see Bob’s Burgers: The Movie. It was a delight and I think you should go,” that sentence is not truly about me, but the crafted “I” of the story: I, the real person, am not the I of the thrilling tale of the trip to the cinema. The author is dead: they cannot live in their work because the moment it is transmitted is no longer a living moment. (Italo Calvino covers the same strange nature of I-as-Character in his seminal work of metafiction If On A Winter’s Night A Traveller...)

In other words, though the author can never be absent from their work, meaning in art can only ever come from what you, the observer, bring to it. As Barthes puts it: “Every text is eternally written in the here and now.” No understanding of an author as a person is needed, necessary, or arguably even desirable when approaching art: your connection to it, how you understand it, what it means and how you are shaped by that meeting, exists only in the present, in the act of engaging with the art. (For the record I think Barthes is somewhat too encompassing in his beliefs, I don’t agree with him in full, but the underlying point is: art can not only be separated artist, art is always separate from artist. The artist cannot be the art.)

5) Purity culture is boring. According to these bad takes, we must demand ideological compliance with all our consumed art, and we are somehow bad or stupid people when we form connections with art made by problematic, challenging, or perhaps even reprehensible people> This is such a childish complaint. This standard to which all artists and art-consumers must be held is an irrational one. Modern fandom culture seems utterly unable to accept artists as humans: people who err, who have biases, blind spots, and beliefs. I have been around ling enough to see the term ‘problematic’ lose all meaning, to mutate into a yimakh shemo, a denunciation from which there can be no remorse. Modern fandom culture frequently seems to expect a certain level of investment nomadism: you stick with a work until its author errs, at which points you are to immediately move on, abandoning the old thing completely. Again, it is the quote up at the top that inspired this whole tirade: we are to know all aspects of an artist, we are to judge those actions unceasingly, and at the first ‘error’ we are to just abandon the art and find something new. We should simply like something else at will. It’s tiring. It’s boring. And I am sick of the animosity, the smug judgement, the crucifixions and the damnatio memoriæ. I’m just tired of this puritan impulse in which I must justify my pleasures to the masses in order to prove that my free time is spent virtuously. I must be quick to denounce all that is ungodly, and allow no wickedness to sully my heart. I read no evil, I listen to no evil, I ship no evil. Piss off. [Edit: in response to some comments, I should note that yes, there is a distinction between engaging with the art of a problematic artist, and handing them money. While we cannot often just ‘stop liking something’ we discover comes from a morally complicated place, we can quite easily not support an amoral person financially.]

#Roland barthes #death of the author #fanfic #fandom culture #purity culture #literary critique #criticism #literature #mists of avalon #melkor #neurodivergencies #hyperfixation

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paperstorm · 1 year

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I will preface this saying that I don’t like what happened in 2x12 and wish we had seen the conversations that led to the forgiveness as well. BUT I think it might be useful/interesting to consider why it is in character for TK to do this.

TK has a history of making poor, impulsive decisions…which may not be decisions at all but just raw emotion. He has trouble managing intense emotions. He provokes people when he is overwhelmed and wants to punish himself and/or to feel something else than the emotion he is dealing with at the moment. He doesn’t handle surprises well. This behavior happens throughout Season 2, even though it is not physical like it was in Season 1 until this point.

In that moment, he has found out his dad was arrested. He is surprised and upset by this. He thinks Carlos is going to help; he is surprised and upset to find that Carlos is suspicious of his father. He is overwhelmed and he can’t handle it in that moment; he lashes out and provokes Carlos.

It is not something he should have done. It is not acceptable behavior. It is human behavior, and it is not out of character.

In Season 3, after the ice storm, Carlos and TK are communicating better and there is less tension between them. He is a little better at dealing with his emotions but still makes poor, impulsive decisions (leaving to go to the firehouse to get the drugs; skipping his meeting; arguably Lou). He has some great conversations with Carlos but he is also not surprised—he has been expecting that conversation with Carlos about his addiction.

At least this is how I see it—appreciate the discussion and different opinions! Completely understand if others still don’t agree with me.

Yeah I hear you and I agree with 90% of this. Anyone who’s followed me for a while knows I am a huge proponent of characters being interesting and well written rather than being “good” by whatever standards that could be evaluated and I have no patience for moralizing the actions of fictional characters. So like should he have done that, no absolutely not, but I don’t care about that. I have loved many characters who love each other but get violent with each other (Sam and Dean from supernatural, Ian and mickey from shameless, Steve and Bucky, etc) and it never bothered me because it was perfectly in character for them to be like that. Is it abusive to punch your brother or your boyfriend in the face until he bleeds in the real world, yeah it sure fucking is lol but this is fiction and I’m not the morality police. My issue with that scene isn’t that I’m mad that TK shoved him because he shouldn’t have, it’s that it doesn’t feel, to me, in character that even if he was really upset TK would have gotten physical with Carlos specifically. He does get physical in other situations in season one. He tries to fight judd (hilarious. Judd is the size of a Mack truck) and he goes to the bar because he wants to get punched. But him specifically being physical in that way with a romantic partner didn’t feel to me to be consistent with his character. Lashing out, yes. Yelling or saying things he’ll later regret, yes. Storming out, absolutely. But trying to physically fight his boyfriend felt inconsistent. To me, anyway! Always fine for people to disagree.

#911 lone star #anon asks

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nixie-writes · 2 years

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Hi! I was scrolling and saw some of your angel dust works and I thought they where really good! I genuinely started crying while reading the touch starved reader one lol. So I was wondering if you could write angel dust with a trans male reader? (he/him or it/its pls) basically like Angel walks in on the reader in his binder and gets confused while reader has to explain to him that he's trans lol :))) ofc no pressure!!

Hey, I love this idea so much!! We need so much more representation of trans folk in this community and pride month is getting even closer, it's time to be very proud of ourselves! Not gonna bother with a cut on this because it's pretty wholesome! Angel just lived in a different time period and didn't quite learn any hints towards trans people and learns from his lovely (and quite dashingly handsome) s/o. You can tell I had a good time writing this, even if it's a little on the shorter side. Enjoy and I love you!! (Someone please ask me to do a part two to this where Angel defends his trans male s/o from some antis so I have an excuse to dump my ideas of Angel and his trans male s/o this is very important to me.)

Angel tore open another dresser drawer, digging around in the poorly bundled lumps of clothing. He needed that bra and he needed it tonight. He had this new burlesque gig to pull up on and he’d be double damned if he wasn’t going to show up every other dancer in there. Issue is, he needed that bra and he’s been through his closet, Nuggs’ little bed made up of various things found around the hotel, his dresser drawers…Maybe someone else had a bra his size, he could think of one person who seemed to love collecting different bras of different sizes. Yes, [Y/N] had to have something. Leaving his mess of a room he descended a flight of stairs, took a sharp turn to the left, followed the hallway, took another left, hallway, right turn, finally arriving at [Y/N]’s door, with their name on a plaque beside the door. He tapped his knuckles against the door a few times and there was certainly some scuffling on the wooden floor but no response. Maybe they were busy. Shrugging Angel turned on his heel with the full intent of jokingly asking Vaggie for a bra just to piss her off. So he did. Following the hallowed wings he’d grown so used to he entered the common room where, as expected, Vaggie, Charlie and Husk were each at another post. Husk with a half empty beer bottle playing solitaire because he can’t play Poker against himself. Charlie attending the front door, patiently awaiting another lost soul to wander in and ask about a room. Vaggie slouched into a chair, scrolling down some app aimlessly. She looked bored as hell and it was Angel’s time to ruin it.

“Vaggs!” He cheered as he approached the slender silver-haired woman. Her one eye shot up at him, immediate suspicion in her gaze. She bluffed an uncaring persona, turning her focus back to the phone in her hand. “Is it a serious question this time Angel?” Her voice sounded agitated already, meaning this would be even more fun. Raising his eyebrows and grinning wickedly he quipped, “can I borrow one of those black lacy bras of yours? I don’t care if it’s the one with Charlie’s name on it I just need one f-” he hadn’t finished his half joking question before his face was smashed into the chair arm. He was expecting that much at least but what followed wasn’t quite up his alley. “Fucking puta, asking the most depraved questions like une dolore nel mio culo go bother someone else.” Vaggie released his head from the arm chair and after taking a deep breath of air he replied, “fine, I’ll just see if [Y/N] answers the door, I’m sure they won’t mind lending me a bra.” Vaggie quirked an eyebrow for a moment before realizing Angel was serious.

“No, no, that’s not - not the best idea.” Vaggie spoke quickly, setting down her phone with visible concern in her one eye. “You don’t ask them about bras, you don’t ask them about panties, nothing like that.” Angel felt his childish grin fall. Why couldn’t he ask them about underwear? Why not specifically female underwear?

Charlie chimed in, “it’s not our place to say anything but, just trust us it’s a sensitive topic.” She insisted from her perch at the door. Angel could now feel his lips pull down into an active frown. What did these two women know about [YN] that he didn’t? A little less excited about his burlesque he trudged up the stairs, taking the same route, back at the door with [Y/N]’s name embezzled beside it. He tapped his knuckles against the door, harder this time and another set of scuffling feet moved around but still no answer. Angel was done with this, he tossed open the door and walked in haphazardly, closing it behind him immediately. He scanned the familiar room until his eyes landed on [Y/N], standing almost entirely undressed surrounded by different items of clothes, most looking like crop top tanks, and other unrecognized articles of clothes. Ignoring the situation he stepped closer, his voice hushed as he spoke.

“I knocked on your door, you didn’t answer I know you were in here. I need a bra for my show tonight. I asked Vaggie and she was a bitch and when I said I’d ask you she said-” he was silenced by [Y/N] freezing in apprehension. He’d struck a nerve. Their voice shuddering a little, they asked softly, “...what did she say?” Snorting Angel responded, “some cryptic shit about ‘don’t ask about bras or panties’ and Charlie had to say ‘just trust us it’s personal’ or whatever. What do they know that I don’t?” His eyes were fixed on the smaller figure cowering under him, practically quaking in fear. He was expecting a terrible answer. They had another woman’s clothes in their room and the two girls were covering for them? They were actively doing something with someone and the girls were covering? They were covering something. The answer he received was unexpected and blunt, yet well received.

“Angel I’m trans.” Oh. Oh. “Transgender? Like, born the wrong gender?” He had to make sure he heard correctly, and [Y/N] nodded slowly in response. “See these are binders, I use them to make my chest flat.” They motioned to the crop top tank - no, binder - they were wearing. “I’m trying to find the one I like most. This is all new and I asked Vaggie and Charlie to keep it a secret. Some people don’t accept this kind of thing. I’m sorry.” They sounded genuinely apologetic and never met his gaze and now Angel felt like shit.

“Well, fuck...Here I was thinking all sorts of terrible things about you, and you’re just in here trying to like your body. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have stormed in.” He apologized in return. There was an awkward silence for a moment before he asked, “So what are your pronouns and what do I call you?” [Y/N] beamed a little, smiling as they replied, “I use he/him pronouns and it/its is good too, and you can call me [Y/N].” Angel quirked a smile in return, he liked how it sounded.

“Alright, well, I got a few hours until the show. Want me to help you pick out your favorite binder, my lovely prince? Hell maybe I’d look as good as you do in one of these.” He was teasing a little but he was genuine, he wanted to see [Y/N] happy in his body and Angel was happy to help. [Y/N] accepted the offer, immediately tossing a specifically pink and white colored one at him. “Try that one, I had it commissioned. Your name is written on the back of it.”

He already knew what he was wearing to the show.

#Hazbin Hotel x reader #Hazbin x reader #Angel Dust x reader #Angel Dust x trans reader #Angel Dust x transmasc reader #x trans reader #x transmasc reader

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wormizh · 2 years

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get in loser we're going ghost hunting | tobias fox

tl;dr: Office AU + Tobias really, really, REALLY thinks the team should try out some ghost hunting for a fall team-building activity. Apparently he’s got some history with some ghosts.

warnings/info: Established Tobias/MC + gender neutral MC (referred to as “MC”) + written for an AU writing challenge in the Velvet Fox discord server! I combined the prompts Office AU & Psychic (Ghost Hunting) AU. Sorry it’s a chatfic I just think text messages are sillay and fun.

Group Chat: The Office (2005) but Cooler

Tobias: sorry Rory but I can’t drop this.

Tobias: What do u mean u dont believe in ghosts

Rory: It has literally been hours since we had that conversation.

Rory: But fine. I mean I don’t believe in ghosts.

Tobias: BUT WHYYYY

Rory: Because theyre not real?

Rory: I'm not having this conversation

Rory: AGAIN.

Rory: And especially not with you.

Tobias: WHAT

Tobias: someone back me up T-T

Brooklyn: I am sorry, but I don’t think I could definitely agree they’re real.

Brooklyn: Though, just in case, I don’t think we should go bother the undead.

Brooklyn: I find them very interesting, though. Ghosts are very prevalent in gothic Victorian literature. The supernatural and spiritual were very popular at the time.

Leo: I think ghosts are cool!! :D

Leo: but Brooklyn’s right ^^;

Leo: Haven’t you ever seen a horror movie? Ghost hunting is like step one to death by ghosts lol

Tobias: ugh

Tobias: UGH. again.

MC: I don’t know why our team bonding experience would HAVE to be ghost hunting

MC: nobody else seemed that into it when you were bringing it up during our break.

MC: and wouldn’t you get freaked out? You can barely sit through horror movies sometimes.

MC: no offense Tobias :)

MC: how would we even know where to find them anyways?

Tobias: Offense taken, actually.

Tobias: BUT FOR THE VIBES?? DUH?

Tobias: It’s literally halloween.

Tobias: And now I’m on a mission. I’ve got to disprove Rory.

Rory: -_- It is September.

Tobias: literally halloween.

Tobias: Plus, I already checked

Tobias: we’re in ghost central, baby B)

Tobias: This city’s soooo haunted. There are tons of ghosts around

Tobias: and look

Tobias: not that it’s my JOB to convince a bunch of NON BELIEVERS

Brooklyn: No, your job is communicating with our clients.

Leo: LOL

Brooklyn: :)

Tobias: …

Tobias: BUT I have had enough ghost experiences to know that you guys are gonna be, like, soooo haunted for being rude about this rn

MC: u have ghost experiences?

MC: What happened?

Tobias: Nope! You guys missed ur chance!! You don't get to hear it >:P

Leo: !!!

Leo: WAIT

Leo: is this the one u used at the ice breaker

Leo: when we got hired

Leo: hahahahAHAHA

Tobias: NO.

Tobias: IT IS A DIFFERENT ONE.

Tobias: OF MY MANY PARANORMAL ENCOUNTERS

MC: oh?

MC: is it embarrassing?

Tobias: no. I would never do or say anything embarrassing. Ever.

Tobias: B)

Tobias: But how about we stop talking for a little while.

MC: No, let's not.

MC: What happened Leo?

Leo: sooooooooo

Leo: anyways ^^

Tobias: LEOOO D:

Leo: when we were interning together

Leo: we were supposed to share fun anecdotes to get to know the team

Tobias: this is so not cool behavior of you

Leo: and when it got to Tobias…

[Milo has entered the chat]

Tobias: STOP OKAY OKAY ok ok okok ok ok

Tobias: I’ll say it

Tobias: Fine.

Tobias: I said my first kiss was with a ghost.

Rory: WHAT?

Brooklyn: Sorry?

Leo: HAHAHAHA

MC: LOL????

Brooklyn: How does that work? Ghosts aren’t corporeal.

Rory: THAT’S the issue?!?!?

Tobias: LOOK

Tobias: T-T

Tobias: I WAS KIDDING

Tobias: it wasn't REALLY A KISS OK

Tobias: obviously not. That would be stupid.

Tobias: Because if the ghost was really that close to me it would just possess my body lol

Rory: …

Rory: Right. And you would never say something stupid.

Tobias: DON'T EVEN!!!!!

Tobias: Some friends and I in high school were messing around

Tobias: y’know. Ghost hunting. Like normal people

Tobias: and our emf sensor started going crazy

Tobias: right next to my face

Tobias: Cause it's irresistible

Tobias: Haha.

Tobias: so…

Tobias: AS A JOKE!!!

Tobias: we called it a kiss

Tobias: bc yknow when you’re terrified but also incredibly funny, like me, you make jokes.

Tobias: and then

Tobias: AS A JOKE

Tobias: in the safety

Tobias: OR WHAT I THOUGHT WAS SAFETY!!!

Tobias: of an innocent breakroom icebreaker

Tobias: I bring this up

Tobias: and then my SUPPOSED FRIEND, LEO

Tobias: uses it to stab me in the BACK!!!!!!! YEARS LATER!!!!! D:<

Leo: sorrryyyy :P

Milo: So is this why you were bugging us all about going ghost hunting as our team builder.

Milo: So you could meet up with your ghost ex?

Rory: LMAOOOOOOOO

Tobias: NO?!

Tobias: NO.

Leo: HAHAHAHA

Tobias: T-T T-T T-T

Tobias: I don’t want to do team bonding with any of you guys.

Tobias: This sucks.

Brooklyn: Well we have to pick something by the end of the week.

Brooklyn: Though I don’t think management would approve using our resources for personal interests like this, Tobias. Even if this would make for a wonderful gothic romance.

Tobias: not you too…….

MC: don’t worry, tobias!!

MC: · ୧(๑•̀ㅁ•́๑) i’ll help you reunite with your long dead lost love

MC: for a proper kiss this time!!

Tobias: noooooo

Tobias: T^T

Tobias: if anything you should get freaked out by the ghosts

Tobias: and then WE should kiss~

MC: that’d make your ghost ex a very good wingman

Tobias: baaabeeeee…

MC: but i can just kiss you without all of that :)

Tobias: Oh.

Tobias: :)

Milo: Ugh I know you guys cleared your relationship with HR but do you have to do that in the groupchat

Tobias: BOOOO!!! sorry you hate LOVE

Rory: You would put boo and love in the same sentence wouldn't you.

Rory: Ghost boy.

Leo: HAHA RORY

Leo: Well.

Leo: now that I know it’s for love, I’m in favor of your plan Tobias :)

Brooklyn: Me as well.

Tobias: GUYS

[Alexei has entered the chat]

Milo: I don’t care what we do for team bonding

Milo: But

Milo: I would like to see Tobias find nothing.

Milo: It would be funny.

Milo: So sure, let’s go ghost hunting

Tobias: Milooooo c'moonnnn….

Alexei: I wouldn’t mind going.

Alexei: I’m curious about what equipment is used to detect ghosts.

Tobias: Thanks Alexei T-T at least I can count on you

Alexei: And, if you do have a romantic encounter with a ghost, I think this would be interesting to see as well :)

Rory: LMAO

Tobias: MAN!!!!

MC: And i’ll try not to get jealous

MC: promise :)

Tobias: ur all the worst T-T

#infinite blue #IB #tobias fox #alexei demidov #brooklyn hayes #milo de luca #leo roselund #rory gatlin #infinite blue tobias #infinite blue alexei #infinite blue brooklyn #infinite blue milo #infinite blue leo #infinite blue rory #infinite blue x reader #like kind of?? bc u r like mc. so ya its x reader i spose #tobias fox x reader #worm.writing

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boypussydilf · 1 year

Note

[runnning in] relationships askgame. tell me about. kururu and saburo. thats the white haired kids name right

YEAAAAAAH IT IS. SABURO. sabOwO. sabUwU. his name is different in the anime vs the manga i call him saburo bc thats his anime name so itswhat im used to but in the manga hes mutsumi… i think he changed it he runs a radio show and in the anime they changed it so that it’s a SECRET that he runs it and in both the name he uses for the radio show is 623 which is a pun on. mutsumi. bc sgt frog fucking ADORES giving the characters pun codenames & plays on possible pronunciations of numbers that also sound like their names. so if it was a secret that he was running th radio show his actual name couldn’t sound exactly the same as his radio show host name. so the anime named him saburo. but like. why change that at all. anyway! ah i didn’t really think this would get very long but uh. readmore time

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

WE DONT REALLY… GET TO SEE THEM ACTUALLY INTERACT ALL THAT MUCH… saburo exists so that in his introduction scene yoshizaki can have his little evangelion reference and then after that saburo just. exists. like hes interesting but no one gets to talk about it because he almost never shows up. they damned him to the box. they put him in a storage closet. Anyway the good thing is when kururu and saburo DO interact its almost always like. Stellar. 10/10. Incredible moment. It’s usually either “one of them asks the other for technical help with something and the other one goes ‘sure that sounds interesting lol’”, or kururu sending saburo a text that goes “I’m not even IN any danger so don’t even bother trying to help me tbh, like what could you even DO, everything is fine, here are my exact coordinates btw” and saburo goes to help him, or both of them like, sitting in a tree going “Those losers are pretty excited about cherry blossoms huh? Well they are kind of pretty sometimes, I guess”.

Saburo is a fair bit more Openly Nice than Kururu but they are still both like, always running a program of “act Distant and Disaffected and Cool and Like You Don’t Really Care About Anything Unless It’s Funny”, but where it would read as being rude to anyone else interacting with them, they fundamentally GET each other, so when they’re having very brief interactions with each other where they’re just asking for favors or talking like nothing really matters and they’re only here because they didn’t happen to have anything better to do, they both see it for what it is and read it for gestures of kindness and friendship and so they endure despite their lack of open and honest communication. The ultimate point of their dynamic as laid out in canon is “they Get Each Other, in a way absolutely no one else does”.

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

You know… again… I don’t think there’s any way to improve on this. I don’t think any concept of Them in my mind has really drifted from or made new additions to how it’s portrayed in canon. I can’t even say that I think they should hang out more, because the POINT is they’re both not very social and spend a lot of time alone, they give each other space out of RESPECT and UNDERSTANDING.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

what about that ISNT interesting and so much fun. Just fundamentally the whole concept is. GREAT. I love you, Wave Buddies, whatever the fuck that means. ok im pretty sure itsjust short for wavelength as in on the same wavelength but itsreally funny how the first version of relationship chart in the manga. in english anyway. just calls them Wave Buddies with no context. Anyway their dynamic is absolutely BALLER. more characters should be doing whatever this is.

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

THIS IS WHERE I WISH WE KNEW MORE ABOUT EITHER SABURO OR KURURUS LIVES BEFORE THE SERIES!!!!!!!!! I really should read that manga chapter about how saburo was RAISED BY ALIENS but it hasn’t been translated and I don’t know how much context it would give on like… The point is like. With Giroro Keroro & Dororo we know a LOT about their childhoods and other parts of their lives before the start of the series, so we have plenty of information & context that helps to inform Who They Are and Things They Might Be Thinking and Possible Reasons They Make The Choices They Do. But we know next to nothing about Tamama and Kururu’s lives before the series, so we only have TINY bits of context, so most things you can come up with as “stuff that might be going on in their minds” or “possible larger-scale reasons for their actions” are just like, uh. SPECULATION thats the word. Same with the humans. We know many details of Fuyuki, Natsumi, & Momoka’s lives, so we know who they are on a large scale informed by their earlier childhoods and environment, and we KIND of know stuff about Koyuki’s life, but. What we know about Saburo’s life before the series is: he was raised by aliens until he was like 9, apparently. he started a radio show at one point. this concludes what we know about saburos life. The point is we don’t have the same Canon Indicators for what they think of each other the way we do with some other characters - like, Fuyuki has always been obsessed with aliens, of course Keroro is special to him, or, it makes sense for Dororo to be extra special to Koyuki because he’s the only thing in her life that’s the same after leaving her home.

But of course I guess we’re not that COMPLETELY barren of information. For one thing it’s pretty clearly shown several times that like. Kururu doesn’t actually like Being Disliked or having people say mean things about him. He’s dedicated to upholding his precious reputation of a Rude, Weird, and Dislikable Guy anyway, but he … doesn’t… he doesn’t want people to actually dislike him. He doesn’t like it. Saburo DOESN’T misunderstand him, and DOESN’T dislike him, Saburo thinks he’s COOL and INTERESTING. Saburo is IMPORTANT.

More than that we also have the manga chapter & anime episode that flashback to their original meeting, of which the central point is, they became friends because they found each other interesting. like it goes like this: the whole platoon got separated and got lost right after coming to earth, so kururu goes whatever i can invade by myself anyway, starts looking for high schoolers he can turn into his army but then Saburo Can See Him. Saburo Can See Him Through The Barrier That Only Aliens And People Who Already Know About The Existence Of Aliens Can See. And Kururu goes what the FUCK and then they have a big chase & dramatic anime fight through the whole school and in the ANIME. in the ANIME events lead to a Big Fucking Monster incident and then kururu is in danger by a Big Fucking Monster and saburo saves him and that’s part of why they become friends,. But in the MANGA that doesn’t happen.

In the manga Saburo is just a cocky smug little bitch even though he’s one random teenager fighting an alien with tons of weapons technology and training who he clearly has absolutely 0 chance of not DYING against and kururus like “Why the fuck are you being like this? You realize you’re definitely gonna die?” and saburo says something that in both the english translation and in the original japanese i dont… i dont have a fucking clue what hes getting at or trying to say? But whatever hes getting at kururus like “ok yknow what fine <3 ill stop trying to kill you lets help each other out instead”. And also in that chapter there’s a scene where they both think “he seems interesting” at each other and another point where saburo thinks kururu is gonna erase HIS memories along with the memories of everyone else who saw Saburo Destroying The School While Fighting Something Invisible and hes like NO THIS CANT HAPPEN WHEN IVE FINALLY MET SOMEONE INTERESTING so . Their deal is that they find each other interesting I guess.

favorite interaction they have in canon

oh my god i thought of a really good one earlier but looking thru the flashback chapter to their meeting totally threw it out of my brain. uhhh RIGHT RIGHT. in the anime its a secret that saburo is the one running the 623 radio show but its NOT a secret to kururu, and there’s an episode towards the end where saburo quits running it like Under A Manager, bc hes sick of people trying to push him to show his face in public and his like producers are trying to set up Face Reveal Events, and he ends up running the radio show Independently instead and kururu helps him by making an Invisible Flying Recording Booth for him to use and being the only other person involved in making the show.

Also all of episode 229b. obviously. you know how it is when your best friend is trying to sacrifice himself to save the world and you realize YOURE the one who made it possible for him to do that in the first place by giving him a pen of Make Anything You Draw Real that he can use as a weapon and if you dont fucking hurry hes going to DIE TONIGHT so you drop everything to work for hours straight and then go save him at the literal last second and then you have an interaction tbats just like “you know you could’ve died :/“ “yeah so lol. ok fine Thanks” bc both of you are insane

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

I get why they don’t live together & kururu lives in his lab instead, bc, you know, the whole loners who respect each others space thing, but like, it would be funny for kururu to live in saburos shitty little high schooler apartment or wherever he lives. Actually like. He probably DID for a while. In between allying with saburo & when he reunited with keroro and built the secret base. He had to at least be in easy CONTACT w saburo that whole time and like. I doubt he was living in the bushes. I can picture it now, the like, couple months of kururu living in this random kids apartment and definitely mercilessly insulting earth technology and probably upgrading random shit for lols so that saburo now has like, the most insane faucet in the world or whatever, and saburos just like whatever thats cool lol, want to watch bargain bin dvds with me.

#WHEEEEEEEE WEHEEEEEEE THANX 👍#I Wonder how long this took to write. i was Not paying attention #basilask

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desertfangs · 9 months

Note

“honestly if DA hadn’t sent me an anon about one of them I was ready to pull it and call it a loss”

DON’T YOU DARE 🤧 but also imma cry that fic is so special and sexy and bittersweet and I can’t recommend it enough! You go in expecting smutty goodness (which you WILL find) and end up openly sobbing five paragraphs in. Seriously if you’re a bookverse Armand/Daniel fan and haven’t read this one, what have you even been doing with your life!? Mandatory Devil’s Minion reading imho 📖

This current trend of passively consuming media is slowly killing fandoms and fandom content creators. I’ll never not do my part but it’s so disheartening to see so many incredible fics with such depth and understanding of individual characters and dynamics with like… less than 10 comments on ao3. That shit kills the spirit fr xoxo DA ❤️

PS Daniel sitting out the entirety of BC2 because he was too busy playing The Last of Us is laying me tf out and I’ll be thinking about it often 💭

DA!! Thank you so much!! You are honestly a treasure and a gift to this fandom and I know we all appreciate your messages so much! 💖💖

None of us thinks we're owed ANYTHING but like... I came up in fandom in the 90s and 2000s, where people were sharing stuff in newsgroups and on forums and then livejournal. It was a community and everyone interacted with each other and shared their thoughts and commented on fics! Fics launched whole discussions and more fics about similar topics. Now it feels like fandom is so isolated, and people put creators in some separate box where they will consume what they create but not dare interact. And it's weird! We're all just part of fandom, flailing around and trying to have to fun.

Now there's this social media like button culture where people (not just in fandom) will leave a like and move on and that's fine except it doesn't feel as personal and creates this lonely atomosphere. It's so passive, as you said, and as someone who's spending a lot of their free time and brain power crafting fics because I'm excited about the characters or an idea and I want to share, putting it out there and getting nothing back is so demoralizing.

And then of course there's the insecurity. Most writers have it in spades so when we post something and the response is... lackluster... the first thought is often "Well, apparently this one sucks." It creates all kinds of doubt! And then if you're me, sometimes you feel stupid for posting at all and wonder if you should take it down. (I talk myself out of this and then more comments come in and I feel better - although lately comments are hard to come by after the first couple of days a fic is live!)

But I digress. It's just this whole thing and it's weird because no one owes anyone comments or compliments, but creating into a void is depressing and unsatisfying and it's going to lead to people not bothering to share what they make. And that's a bummer, because fandom is all about sharing and conversing and having fun as a group. Otherwise I can just tell my headcanons to my cats, who are always happy to listen.

But you always do your part!! I love your messages and they always make me feel like I've succeeded. So thank you so much again for your kind words! I really am proud of that fic and I hope people will start to realize that a quick comment is worth so much to fic writers. It doesn't need to be elaborate!

And LOL yes, I love the idea of Daniel being so busy battling digital zombies that he's just.. not involved in the last book. Armand calls from time to time and Daniel talks him off a ledge and then fights his way through another zombie-infested building. 😂😂😂 This is my current theory and I'm sticking to it.

#da you are amazing thank you!!!#dungeon anon #fandom #answers in the desert

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sleepy-shutin · 2 years

Note

people really need to accept that by taking on an inherently dehumanizing pronoun, you’re going to trigger people. you’re going to come across trauma survivors who can’t use those pronouns. personally i’ve pulled away from the larger lgbtq community because i’m extremely triggered by the word “queer,” it doesn’t bother me as much anymore thankfully but the amount of hate and vitriol i’ve gotten just for simply asking to either keep the word usage at a minimal around me, tag it so i can blacklist it, or just let me know if you can’t do any of that so i can unfollow or whatever, is fucking insane. which is all very funny because there’s a very big movement on here for respecting triggers, even the “weird” ones, until said triggers are an inconvenience. then you’re whatever -phobic they can think of regardless of your own identity, all because you had the audacity to state a boundary. also threatening to “beat the ass” of severe trauma survivors when that’s a threat many of us have genuinely heard against us is fucking deranged behavior.

literally. like i'm not even asking that these people in particular censor their identities. i'm literally asking that you have compassion for people who have been severely dehumanized. i'm literally of the opinion that trigger-tagging queer for people who are triggered by the word, (NOT tagging it as "q slur" but perhaps something like "q tag" or "q word" or even "[name] don't look"), is perfectly fine. because just as much as queer is an identity, it's also a slur that has been used to abuse and murder people, just like how it/its has been used on people who have been severely abused.

i have especially heard of its use on queer people, (trans people in particular), trafficking survivors while they were still being trafficked, and people of color.

i really do think it's because many (not all) of these people have a very strange concept of dehumanization trauma, where they understand it as an abstract concept and it doesn't come to mind when talking about it/its pronouns because it covers a very wide range of experiences and many of the more "severe" ones are just unimaginable to them. they just don't think about it, "it just doesn't happen to people".

like literally, for all intents and purposes, think of it/its pronouns similarly to a slur, or some other kind of horrible insult that has been used to degrade, demean, and abuse people, like "bitch" or "whore", or like the other example i gave, "queer". it's an identity with a LOT of weight behind it, and it's going to trigger the fuck out of some people because of it. you cannot deny that it has weight behind it.

i'm not asking to misgender people, i'm asking people to actually understand the weight behind the identity. i'm asking that people have compassion for those who are triggered by it/its pronouns because of their inherently dehumanizing nature, instead of insulting, harassing and further dehumanizing someone who has already been abused through dehumanization.

not to mention that many people haven't just been *threatened* to have their ass beat. many people literally fucking have, and sending a threat like that to someone who has been severely abused from childhood... bestie that is not a good look for your side, lmao. like i didn't threaten you buddy, i just asked you to have compassion for survivors of severe trauma. maybe think about why you've decided not to, lol.

#ask #anon #part zero #discourse

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bomnun · 1 year

Text

just going to rant abt smth pentagony again don’t mind me

Something that’s been bothering me for a while is that even way before this whole BP mess, there were many unis going around like “I’m fine with Pentagon disbanding” or “I’ve accepted that Pentagon will disband soon” like IM NOT! I never will be! Maybe I’m immature or just too attached, but, whatever, I’m just going to write about these feelings anyway. I found it really disrespectful around last fall when they were so very obviously preparing new music, and had been telling fans to look forward to it since the summerr… The results have been good enough since 2020 (aside from the album sales of Feelin Like JPN but I think the main setback is terrible planning and using the unpopular Feelin Like as the title track again), and the group again and again express how much they want to stay together, and how they’re always working on music together. It’s like so many fans don’t listen to what they’re saying at all, but just force industry averages or non-fans’ assumptions on the group, and there have been so many pessimistic doom narratives going around for years, but… it’s so tiring, and would be so discouraging for the group to see how many of their fans are just willing to…give up, when the group very decidedly has not given up in the least. I know the general atmosphere around the group and the image created by the general kpop community is very negative and pessimistic, but as fans, why is it so hard for people to listen to what they’re saying and observe what they’re doing? Why don’t we as fans want to uplift them and give their wishes of wanting to stay together and working on more music more exposure? I don’t get it.

On a similar note it sort of upsets me how many people were totally fine with BP. Still are totally fine with the idea of Hvi (possiblyy…likely against his own will) fucking off for three years most likely unable to even mention the group he’s been working on for 10 years and loves with his whole heart. I will not be fine with whichever outcome tomorrow, or whatever. I have come to the conclusions that 1. Mnet does not want him there and have tried to reduce his popularity within the show but it hasn’t really worked 2. While the members obviously want him back, Cube wants him back too 3. But, if it was of utmost necessity to Cube they would’ve made him quit the show already (even when making shady deals they can’t do them properly. lmao. to laugh or to cry)

However the members are much more certain in releasing new music than fans (why are the fans like this?), and considering they already had one comeback they worked their asses off for for a whole year, they have to be more assured than last time, and no matter how that goes, I’ll be paying attention to it.

I don’t know, I can’t expect other people to feel the way I do, or as strongly as I do or whatever, but I find it disappointing how easily some fans are ready to give up on them and just transfer to something else lmao, when they again and again signal they have no intention of going anywhere (and there’s even some company backing like Weverse, OT9 plastered on the building, some behind the scenes green light for whatever music they’re working on now, they’re still in all company projects like a new Anicube 🤢 thingy on Friday and a concert next month) . I get that this as a fandom experience is draining, but I guess I personally can’t switch to something else (within kpop). I’m way too attachedd…maybe too much. I can admit that 🤷🏻‍♀️ But I’ll honestly say that I’ll be sad about it for the rest of my life if I have to say goodbye to them when they’ve fought the way they have to stay together and realistically should be able to based on their recent resultss…if I like something this much I do really keep it with me forever . lmao.

But that said I’m pretty sure they’ll release something soon, maybe a Japanese comeback for the concert. They seem much more assured than fans, lol, and I can’t see any reason for Hongseok reappearing if he wasn’t sure that he’ll be able to return to the group. I’m not surE when to expect that; I’ll understand it if he stays out until November (his original discharge date), but then he’s at Cube with them (um, outside the recording rooms) already.

This is just a rant and that’s why i5’s so unstructured. I guess I just wish fans were more willing to listen to what the group is actually saying, and less complacent and at peace with them possibly disbanding (even though that’s probably better for you than whatever my brain is doing to me) when they desperately don’t want to. To the extent they take the crazy risks and make the bets they have.

(Now, if people based the reasongins I wrote at the top on Shinwon’s whole “I’m not sure I can handle being a celebrity any longer because the lows are too low” vent on Penbamra last September I would’ve got where they’re coming from, but these fans have probably never listened to Penbamra, and if they did they’d also know he’s done a 180 since!!! 😤)

#Staying off social media until Friday take care eveeyone #T says #Rant #Deciding it’s better to acknowledge my probably too strong feelings than pretend I don’t have them

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