#and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ctheathy · 2 months

Note

hi omg would you be able to do a smut nine x reader hcs??? i love how u tend to make the reader dominant, i'd love if in these hcs nine is suchhh a sub but tries to deny it and act dominant when really he so isn't... by smut it can range from heavy making out/suggestive to full on smut idm, whatever u can think of :3 (if ur gonna do full on nsfw can nine eat out the reader pls pls (afab reader)) tysmmm !!!!

Nine NSFW Headcanons

Nine x Reader

Suggestive+NSFW Headcanons

Short Concept

Author's note: pfft- Nine would be making sounds that haven’t even been discovered by science yet

Nine/Reader [Romantic]

[Gender-neutral Darling|Female Darling|Male Darling]

Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :

Both reader+character are of legal age or aged-up for obvious reasons in this post!

These are smut headcanons, read at own risk. dom!Reader+sub!Nine • Partly !Female!Reader • 1/2 eating his darling out [Fem!reader] • Breast foreplay • Marking • Biting/nipping • Drooling/Salivating • 2/2 making out session [Gender-neutral!reader] • Gagging • You basically shove your tongue down his throat

- ½ Nine eating you out

I honestly just enjoy the idea that Nine is already quick to get hormonal and in the mood. But he gets in heat especially quick when you get a little too whiny and pouty. I just imagine you whimpering for one single time and his whole body would tense up, pressing his legs together and biting away at him bottom lip to the point it almost splits. Trying to keep himself from getting ...hard from something as simple as a subtle mewl. He is so weak towards you, your emotions and the way that you feel to the point any sense of self control can go out of the window. When you're showing signs of being turned on and when he can quite literally smell your arousal, he's gonna have to fight tooth and nail to not get aroused himself.

This is certainly not something that would have too much of an improbability of happening. As you see, the thing about Nine is that he can already be quite lustful in general due to his bottled up frustrations. Now add on several years of isolation from other creatures and you have a boy who hasn't satisfied his primal urges and inner desires for literal ages. But you can make all his anger, frustration and self-hatred turn into a desperate need and craving for you. You could enjoy taking away any sort of dignity and prideful nature that he has left when the intimacy gets to that point, before giving some of it back through your praise after the ordeal. You'd absolutely know him and his vulnerable spots good enough for you to really set him off, because at the end of the day, you'd always have him begging for more.

You could start off a bit simpler before allowing him to eat you out like that, but still feed into his uncontrollable horniness for you. You can begin with giving Nine the opportunity to touch your chest with his mouth, something despite with his shy embarrassment and hesitance, it being something he just couldn't say no to. You could just sit there and lean back all smugly, while Nine's on his paws and knees infront of you, shivering and head hanging down as he shakily reaches out to one of your breasts, fighting his dripping arousal from staring at your bare and exposed chest alone.

But that's a point of no return ...and to take it to the next level. After that heck of a fest Nine had with drooling all over your boobies, he'd definitely be more open and quick to agree to foreplay that includes him pleasing you in some manner, because ultimately, it really pleases him as well. Not only because your body shape and appearance triggers something inside of him, but because you trust him with your body. And that's how you two got to oral fixation, something Nine would want to think about it for a little while. I mean. HIS mouth?? DOWN there??? Though he would be lying if he wasn't intrigued by the idea. The way you excitedly spoke about it in detail got him excited too... And so, he would cave within under a week at max. Even with his denial, he would absolutely be the most eager in the ENTIRE world for that little taste of your bottom half and he would absolutely make sure that he wouldn’t let you down and leave you unsatisfied under any circumstance

And as soon as he gets one of the tips in his mouth, he could start to feel himself melt. It's just the softest and most squishy flesh he's ever felt in his life. His mouth would start watering the longer your breast is inside of him, and his saliva would slowly begin to seep all over your skin. He'd have his self-control at first, but it wouldn't take long before he'd needily start licking his drool over every inch of your chest as if trying to mark it. He'd be all over you and goes completely feral as soon as he feels your nipple hardening against his moist tongue, as he'd let out a soft moan while feeling that change in texture. Nine's tongue would just swirling around your chest, with his body shivering and trembling with every lick and swirl. He’d glance up at you with those pleading puppy-dog eyes for approval while you just look down at him with such a cheeky grin.

Nine would absolutely be reaching for your fluids like it’s a bottle of fresh water in the middle of the Sahara, he’s never wanted to try anything more in his whole life than he wants to have your sweet nectar right now. He would become so desperate and overstimulated that every second he’s away from it would seem like an eternity... and he'd just want the volcano to erupt in his mouth. If you could easily control yourself and just not let your climax happen. No matter if it's for the sake of teasing him or just having the self-control, this would only drive Nine further into going berserk. His entire existence would become centered around having that release in him one day, tasting you like you're the last meal on Mobius.

Nine would desperately try to keep his calm and pretend that he wouldn’t absolutely go crazy if he actually had a taste. He’d absolutely be in a huge need for more of you and it’d be such a spectacle. His face all red with him basically panting over you. And as soon as he'd even start, Nine wouldn’t be able to focus on any single thing at all. His senses would be completely overwhelmed from everything that’s going on because he’s not used to this kind of stuff at all. Even as he's the one eating you out, his own junk cannot help but keep pulsing as he continues doing it. He'd get a bit impatient and would really want more attention to be brought to his privates, so he might just start touching himself in the duration of the moment... which would definitely make him more vocal, even with his tongue in your folds. You could look down with amusement as he plays with himself, all while his needy moans begin echoing through the entrance of your body.

But Nine always seems to remain on high alert on what's happening to you physically. If you just so happened to let out any grunts or moaning noises, those sounds would go straight to in-between his legs. Any noise that indicates that you're enjoying yourself would definitely keep him going... Even if you're just breathing funnily, he'd get an adrenaline boost that motivates him to become more sensual with the movements of his tongue, getting more desperate to make sure to never fail you in this matter.

Though if you were the type to start squirming all over the place with his mouth still on you. Or if you were to rock your hips back and forth into his tongue, that's when he would just crumble and lose it. You'd just be using his tongue to make yourself feel good, something that turns him on so much more than he'd ever believe it would. His body would be going haywire and he would start gently biting and nipping on your most sensitive nerves to try and get even more of your juices, his tongue would be doing absolutely everything that it possibly could because he’s never been this aroused in his entire life. It would be a scenario that he will absolutely never get over and which he'd be utterly desperate to experience once again.

- Making out sessions

The thing about all of this that's the most exciting is just how absolutely convinced Nine is in his disliking towards being so vulnerable and in a submissive position, and yet he would be so incredibly needy for more. Even if there are moments where he doesn't enjoy being under your command, he would be begging you to continue, begging you to kiss him deeper, to go further than he's ever been, all for you. He must feel intimidated by how submissive he is around you, he must feel intimidated by how vulnerable you makes him feel, but he just can't stop, just can't stop wanting more of you and your sweet tongue.

The kisses that you give Nine is certainly something that manages to keep his on his toes. Though your pecks are as innocent and sloppy as it can be, every very time your mouth is on his, you manage to take control and shatter his mind little by little through the heat of the moment. You're always so teasing... pulling out and taking it back as soon as Nine is shown enjoying himself, keeping him so needy and so utterly horny for more while you feed him these little crumbs. As soon as you're slowly pressing your tongue to the back of his throat, you should purposely roll up your tongue as it's sliding down the back of his mouth. You'd have Nine gag at times with ease while his eyes keep rolling back with just how overstimulated he's getting. And with how teasing and playful you're being through the kiss, there's no way he'd be capable of keeping in his loud, pleading moans. He'd love the sensations so much but would feel so shameful for enjoying it as much as he does.

But at that point he would 100% be loudly begging for you. Crying out for more and more, for you to keep using your tongue on him because his brain is too overwhelmed with the intense pleasure he’s receiving to even really think about anything else other than how amazing it feels. I can picture him crying and sobbing, maybe even begging with you to take him to your room. He would become obsessed with that tongue of yours if you just kept it going for long enough.

He would have no choice in the matter, you would absolutely force him to look you right in the eyes as his vision blurred and his whole body trembled in a way he never thought possible. It would be so intense he'd think he was having a seizure. He would still find a way to keep trying to lock his eyes on yours to contain some sense of dominance, but his head would just be going back and forth, his tongue desperately reaching for yours whenever you pull back, needy to taste you again with his eyes rolling back and trying his absolute hardest to not explode. He couldn’t last much longer at that point, his body eager to betray him and his mouth and tongue would be yours further upon that point.

ﾟ+*:ꔫ:*﹤ﾟ+*:ꔫ:*﹤ﾟ+*:ꔫ:*﹤ﾟ+*:ꔫ:*﹤ﾟ+*:ꔫ:*﹤

The poor bastard would look like he’s being electrocuted, the moment he’d try to maintain eye contact he’d just go cross eyed. He’d be completely and utterly broken at this point. As soon as you release him and let go, he’d be a puddle on the ground with his mouth wide open and eyes rolled, just mumbling absolute nonsense while you gaze down at him. A lovestruck, heart-filled look in his eyes as soon as he manages to get back to Earth Mobius. I’d be genuinely surprised if he could even recognize his own name at that point because he’s just been reduced to a drooling puppy who wants to satisfy you.

Something you'll have to make sure he keeps doing with his bratty bottom energy

#sonic x reader #sonic the hedgehog x reader #tails x reader #sonic the hedgehog #miles nine prower #sonic prime nine #tails nine #nine tails #nine the fox #nine x reader #sonic smut #nine sonic prime #nine smut #tails smut #sonic prime nine x reader #sonic prime x reader #nine x reader smut

115 notes · View notes

cheeseanonioncrisps · 1 month

Text

The thing with Alastor is that I think he genuinely does like people. I don't think he cares too much about many individual persons, but when it comes to people as a collective he likes and wants to be liked back.

You don't go into entertainment if you don't want some kind of validation from it, and Alastor got so into radio in life that his soul was moulded around it in death.

And that's fundamentally the source of a lot of the conflict in his character.

Alastor wants to be the feared and hated Radio Demon. But he also wants to be ‘Al, that charming guy from the radio!’

Alastor wants to be treated with respect and terror at all times. But he also wants to have fun and joke around with people.

Alastor wants to keep the reasons for his disappearance a deadly secret. But he also wants to go to the Overlord meeting and have everyone dying to know where he was and what he was doing.

(“And when Alastor's not in the scene, all the other characters should be standing around like ‘hey, where's Alastor?’!”)

This is why Husk, up until he touches that particular sore spot, gets away with so much more in his relationship with Alastor than, say, Angel gets with Valentino.

Val wants Angel to be a tool or a toy he can control. Alastor kind of wants the same from Husk, but he also wants to be able to play the role of the cheeky but charming boss who can talk Husk around with a wink and a bottle of cheap booze.

(A role that Husk, for his part, goes along with because it allows him to keep some of his dignity. He gets to snark at Alastor and act like he still has even the slightest control over his own destiny. Alastor gets to laugh it off and act like he's a good employer. They both know it's a lie, but Husk clings to it because the alternative is even more humiliation, and Alastor finds it too much fun to give up.)

This is also I think the real reason he and Rosie are such good friends. Because Rosie is also 100% playacting.

Cannibal Town is a fucking dangerous place. Given that Charlie considered the “sights to see en route to my hotel” a selling point for joining her army (a hotel in walking distance) I'm guessing there are some restrictions preventing the residents from leaving. People eat corpses in the streets.

Rosie is clearly a fearsome and vicious Overlord in her own right. Even Lucifer's daughter is twitchy around Cannibal Town.

But, at the same time, when the streets aren't covered in blood and viscera, they're gleaming. The people are all well dressed. There are quaint little shops. Everyone is smiling, all the time.

It's clearly a stage play, but it's one that Rosie and the residents seem to enjoy acting out, and one that they let Alastor have a role in when he visits. In Cannibal Town, Alastor gets to be the charming young man about town whose smile brightens up the place and who everybody (except, ugh, Susan) is pals with.

And I think it's this conflict of personas that is ultimately going to be the biggest factor in whether Alastor ends up being a hero or a villain on the show.

Cause like, Alastor the altruist is obviously an act. But, so is the Radio Demon.

Alastor isn't an all powerful killing machine. In most of the scenes he's in, he's not even the most powerful person in the room. (Albeit

primarily because he's usually accompanied by Charlie.) And he's not acting purely on his own whims, he's on someone else's leash.

I don't think Alastor is necessarily capable of feeling remorse for the stuff he's done in the past. Or caring about other people more than he does himself. It's just not his character.

But I think he is capable, given time to get attached and a lot of positive reinforcement, of deciding that playing 'steadfast hotelier' for Charlie and co is more fun than playing the evil Radio Demon for everyone else.

Picking other people over himself is probably not something that's going to happen for Alastor any time soon. But picking one persona over the other? That I could see.

#alastor #the radio demon #hazbin hotel #hazbin meta #hazbin headcanons #charlie morningstar #hazbin hotel rosie #hazbin hotel husk #alastor hazbin hotel

105 notes · View notes

celestesinsight · 2 months

Text

Salaar: 'Prathi Gaadhalo' song analysis!

@whimsiquix mentioned during a discussion that 'Prathi Gaadhalo' might be a red herring, meant for Varadha actually. That made me listen to the song again.

"In every story it's the demon who unleashes violence, and to oppress that demon rises a king."

The demon was Raja Mannar, who slaughtered an entire tribe to get the throne or Rudra and others who started violence in Khanshar for their interest.

Was Deva the king?

I have seen analysis of the song on YouTube saying Deva was the king described in the song. Because he was the son of Dhaara, the leader of Shouryangas, the rightful king of Khanshar. But I believe it was not Deva, but Varadha who was the king.

1. Khanshar wasn't a place with law and order. They didn't have inheritance law. Son didn't automatically become entitled to the father's assets. He had to earn the position. Rudra established that in the very first scene, when he said Varadha needed to earn the right to wear a nose ring, even if he was Raja Mannar's son. That's the reason, Dhara was chosen after Shiva Mannar instead of his own son Raja Mannar. Either Dhara was the chosen king because he was stronger between the two or they had decided the tribes would take turns over Kartha's position. Similarly, being Dhara's son didn't make Deva the rightful claimant to the throne. Maybe after Dhara, the next king might have come from Dhaniyar tribe.

2. The voiceover after the first scene said that in Khanshar, if you lose a battle, you lose everything. Dhara was killed and in a way lost the battle and lost his everything. Khanshar's most important law was 'Balasthaiba Rajyam, Balasthaiba Asanam', meaning 'the strongest shall rule, the strongest shall get the throne'. Raja Mannar earned the throne for himself, even though it was by using dishonourable means and was ruling with his own strength for the last 25 years. It was also kind of a weakness for Dhara to not anticipate Raja Mannar's treacherous intention, consequences of which were suffered by not only himself, but also by his family and his entire tribe.

3. If we discard this rightful claimant stuff, Deva was indeed strong and capable of earning the throne for himself. But did he have the agency to take it for himself. The movie established from the very first scene that Deva had no agency of his own, he was a weapon in the hands of the person with whom his loyalties lie. A weapon's effectiveness depends on the person who yields it. In Amma's hands, Deva was like a weapon with a deadly and terrifying history, but locked in a glass box. It was only Varadha's hands which could unleash the ultimate power of the weapon.

4. The movie is named Salaar and we were told about the meaning behind the same through the conversation between Baba and Varadha. Salaar was the name of the powerful man devoted to the Persian Emperor. Varadha named Deva Salaar because of the latter's devotion towards him and Varadha was parallel to the Persian Emperor.

"In his quest to quell the enemy, the king has embraced savagery. He has made violence a habit and forgotten kindness, He slayed the monster fighting resolutely, Filled with ire, he has turned into a monster himself."

1. When Bilal introduced Varadha to Aadhya, he said even though Varadha was only a governor, but lived with the confidence of the lord. Varadha was someone with much restraint in the violent world of Khanshar. The whole film was about how much more Varadha could tolerate, before he snapped and fought back. His self control, dignity and calmness was what scared his enemies most. Such a person is like a volcano. When such a person abandons the restraint binding them, the lava of their wrath would destroy everything that stands in their way.

2. Towards the end of the movie, we saw Varadha telling his family members that he also had Mannarsi blood flowing in his veins. Finally, Varadha Raja Mannar, embraced the savagery and violence in his blood and fought back against the enemies. He also declared his intention of fighting for the throne against his own father.

3. Varadha turning into a monster himself while fighting monsters could be part of his villain arc.

"Be determined, dare the most powerful, Time to prove your patience and skill, Forgiveness is a noble way to win."

1. Patience was never a skill of Deva. He was well known for being an impulsive maniac. It was Varadha, who was skilled in patience, who tolerated the humiliation and unfair treatment for 25 years.

2. It was clear from the blood stained hands that Deva had a guilty conscience. He was living a placid life with his mother, hiding from the world. They were moving from place to place to escape from someone.

3. Deva was the one seeking redemption and the only person he would give power to forgive him would be Varadha.

4. Radha Rama was trying to take advantage of their falling out and make them fight each other. The only way they could win against her, if Varadha would forgive Deva and they would reconcile.

"Won't anger prove to be your weakness?"

Varadha's anger against Deva would surely be his weakness as Deva was his greatest strength.

"Stop a war with a smile and show the world, Your merits shall remain etched on time like letters on stone, Your flaws shall be erased like lines on sand."

Deva would never fight against Varadha. Varadha was the one who could stop the coming war by forgiving Deva. If he chose to do so, they would be friends again and live happily ever after. Otherwise, Varadha would go down as a villain.

"Victories don't come from wars, they come from forgiveness."

That's what Amma wrote on the blackboard during the song. Varadeva victory would be assured if they embrace forgiveness and fight together against their enemies.

Maybe I am overthinking, but the song might actually be meant for Varadha and not Deva.

#salaar part 1 ceasefire #salaar #varadeva #varadha rajamannar #varadha #devaratha raisaar #deva #desiblr #desi tumblr #prathi gadhaalo song

67 notes · View notes

mirageofadesert · 6 months

Text

On a heartless path of his own: A character study of Tantai Jin from TTEOTM

aka: an excuse to talk about Tantai Jin, as well as Luo Yunxi's acting, excessively

For some reason all media in these posts were taken down due to acopy right claim. You can still see them on reddit!

Born into tragedy, living out someone else's script, destined to suffer all the hardships of humanity, only to rise above it all and ascend to godhood - Tantai Jin's journey is one of epic proportions. It's a story of struggling to control your own destiny, learning to love and grow, but ultimately sacrificing everything for the greater good. And while the story is larger than life, Luo Yunxi's excellent acting grounds it in humanity - drawing the audience into the tragedy that is the life and death of Tantai Jin, Ye Xiwu's husband.

The empowerment of embracing powerlessness

“Dignity? It means nothing to me. For me, personally, this bowl of rice matters more. I can’t survive without food. But I had had dignity would have died long ago.” (TTJ in E02)

As a devil's fetus, Tantai Jin is born without love strings and therefore without the ability to process emotions. This is exacerbated by the loveless and harsh conditions in which he grows up. Struggling to survive from an early age, Tantai Jin lacks any form of control or agency in his own life. The audience pities him, easily excusing his psychotic tendencies on the unfortunate circumstances of his life. And while this is true to an extent, in the context of Till The End Of The Moon's literary and poetic approach to storytelling, I would argue that he is also a "Kunstfigur" - a symbol of humanity, rather than the representation of a real person.

In this sense, Tantai Jin is a stylistic device to tell a story about humanity and fate. The term "Kunstfigur" comes from German literature and theater, and describes a character who stands at a certain distance from reality, i.e. reflects it in some way. Tantai Jin did not become evil, he was born with something evil. The people around him abused him, not just because it's human nature to do so, but because they noticed that there was something wrong with him, something unsettling. We see this best in his two maids who witnessed his birth and childhood. The actions of all these characters are not meant to be realistic, they are a comment on the reality of humanity. This is what makes Till The End Of The Moon such a compelling (and controversial) drama.

What makes Tantai Jin's suffering so special is that even when he reaches a new low, he never seems truly weak. There is so much emotion in his expression that even when he is deliberately schools his face to look indifferent, you can always see a hint of underlying emotion, often some kind of deviance, burning in his eyes.

Saving face, avoiding humiliation and embarrassment are powerful incentives for behavior. Pride or ego make us try to avoid these negative experiences. But what if these negative experiences determined our entire lives? Tantai Jin fears neither humiliation nor belittlement, only hunger and betrayal. He has not only become accustomed to them, he is unable to process them properly. More than that, he has understood how accepting humiliation can be empowering in itself. There is power in being seen as weak. There is power in making others think they have power over you. There is power in letting go of pride. There is power in not fighting back, in not giving others the satisfaction of seeing you struggle and suffer. And it's not just that he lacks the threads of love and doesn't understand human emotion. It's the way he accepts his fate that makes him feel powerful.

This is unique for a character in fiction. Such a role is usually reserved for the court jester or a concubine. Tantai Jin is neither. I think what makes these characters so different is also Luo Yunxi's subtle but excellent acting skills. He is able to portray weakness without ever feeling weak. His approach to acting allows him to express many complex emotions in every single scene. It's not just in his facial expressions, but also in the way he immerses himself in a character, studying it beforehand and pushing himself to his physical limits when necessary. I don't think many actors would be able to create such a convincing character as Tantai Jin.

This last scene is fascinating not only because of the excellent acting, which makes the special effects seem almost real because of the convincing way Luo Yunxi interacts with them. It's also interesting for other reasons: After Tantai Jin feels real (magical) power the first few times, it's implied that he will succumb to it, become hungry and greedy for more - but he never does. These episodes (e.g. the nightmare demon and the crow attack during the wedding) are meant to give the audience a glimpse of a possible future in which Tantai Jin becomes fully evil, which never materialises. When Tantai Jin comes to power, he's nothing like the Devil God.

He does feed excessively on demons, but this is either never shown on screen or presented as a necessity of war. He gains his throne not in a great battle, but through small acts of power rather than great ones - fending off rodents, sharing soup with the court officials, showing humility and wit with the scholars, and making positive changes to social policy so that his people don't have to suffer hunger and hardship as they once did. On the battlefield, Tantai Jin's power is great, and no opponent stands a chance against him. But being a king is not just about the power of one man - it's about the lives of the soldiers he leads, the lives of his people, the safety of his tribe and the happiness of the woman he loves.

Setting on a path of love

“The immortals say, body, heart, and mind are three different parts. When the three parts are unified, the internal elixir is formed. Empty thy heart to unite soul and character. Calm thy body to silent energy and mood. Steady thy mind then all three merge into one. Destroy your desire for romantic love, and then you can understand the universe and all lives. This is the one and only way of the Hearless Way. (LSS in E06)

At the beginning of the story, Tantai Jin is on the opposite path to the Heartless Way. He has no real desire for romantic love, until Li Susu as Ye Xiwu awakens those feelings. Moreover, her kindness takes root in his heart and begins to blossom. Quite literally, as you can see in the scene below:

Through Li Susu's acts of care and love, as well as her determination to protect his life, Tantai Jin slowly falls in love with her. Even without her, he was never cold-hearted. He was compassionate towards animals, never unnecessarily cruel - at least not on purpose or before he was pushed too far. So his newfound ability to process emotions and experience love is not limited to Li Susu/Ye Xiwu.

He shows it to his mother's tribe, in his negotiating skills with Ye Quingyu, in his relationships with Pianran and Nian Baiyu, and in his ability to lead a country. He is a natural leader and a good ruler. Tantai Jin proves to be tenacious and hardworking, loyal, intelligent and even dignified.

in certain mannerisms, or in the elaborate way Tantai Jin dresses now that he has access to proper clothing. Or in the way he personally leads his army, just as Mingye did. (Mingye's influence may be most visible when Tantai Jin becomes Cang Jiumin). It may even have influenced his views on Ye Bingchang. Most importantly, however, is his shared experience of the tragic but deep love between Mingye and Sangjiu. He slowly begins to face and accept his feelings for Ye Xiwu and tries to win her over - while still learning to process feelings of love, jealousy and rejection. His love for Ye Xiwu becomes obsessive and suffocating. His insecurity and jealousy become blinding to a degree that costs Xian Lin his life and Ye Xiwu her freedom.

The battle for Tantai Jin's heart has always been both emotional and magical, as the evil bone resides within it, leaving Li Susu no choice but to pierce it with nails manifested from the love the same heart felt for her.

After Ye Xiwu's death and sacrifice, Tantai Jin loses his mind in grief. His morbid obsession with Ye Xiwu leads him to hold onto her corpse, and later drives him to take his own life in an attempt to be reunited. After failing, Tantai Jin spends the next 500 years single-mindedly searching for his beloved's soul, experiencing excruciating pain on a daily basis. The tragedy of this event is that he is searching for the wrong soul. He still doesn't know when someone else took over Ye Xiwu's body, or what the flashback Ye Xiwu showed him in her last moment really means.

His love for Ye Xiwu has blinded him to everyone around him: His friends, his subordinates, and his people. He no longer cares about anything but his dead wife, not even his own life.

The Heartless Way

There is a misconception about the Heartless Way, especially among international audiences who lack cultural context. It's rooted in Buddhist and Daoist ideas that "heaven and earth are heartless" or "heaven and earth are not partial". What this means is that the Heartless Way is not devoid of emotion, it's quite the opposite: It is about overcoming personal attachments so that one can love and have deep compassion for every living being. It's about equality, not putting one life above another. The idea of the Way itself is probably linked to the concept of wuxin, which is achieved when a person's mind is free from thoughts of anger, fear or ego during combat or everyday life.

While it is Li Susu, who has decided to peruse this way in order to seal the evil bone within her body, I think Tantai Jin has, unbeknownst to him, set on the same path – and even if it’s just within the meta story-telling of the drama.

As Cang Jiumin, Tantai Jin’s love grows. At first, he is still focused on reviving his long death wife and therefore tries to stay in the Xiaoyao sect. However, his time there has subtle but far-reaching consequences. The first task, Cang Jiumin is entrusted with, is to help an old, blind woman trapped by her inability to accept the death of her only son. For this mission, he is given a sword by his master:

This sword is called South Branch. Forged by my Master when he was still alive. It was transformed from plum blossoms. It has the heart of spring and the soul of the frost. It carries no killing intent. If you see the world with kindness, you’ll have no obsession and see true freedom. I’ll give it to you as a witness. When you can awaken it, you can understand it. (E30, Master Zhao You to TTJ)

Tantai Jin witnesses how obsession, even when it's the all-consuming love of a mother, can destroy a person. The old women's story mirrors Tantai Jin's own inability to come to terms with Ye Xiu's death. He tells the women about his beloved wife and how she taught him to be a good person, something he is no longer sure he is. His need for Ye Xiwu was inherently selfish, and he never really thought about what she would have wanted. When the old women ask him if he would turn into an evil person to get his wife back, he briefly considers the possibility of using the power of the Devil God, but decides against it because it's not what Ye Xiwu would have wanted. In the end, Tantai Jin uses a lie to redeem the old woman. He, who never had a mother, embraces her as she dies in his arms. When he returns to his master, something has been set in motion: Tantai Jin lets go of his obsessive love for Ye Xiwu.

Most of the following scenes in the third arc, which are not directly related to the rebirth of the Devil God or Li Susu, are related to this theme. For example, the secret technique of the Xiaoyao sect, the Xiaoyao Swordplay, requires him to "follow and practise his heart". From this point on, Cang Jiumin gains power through diligent practice and kindness. Tantai Jin's ability to love begins to grow, soon encompassing his master and sect brothers. Another example is that the symbolism of food, which had always been a symbol of his relationship with Li Susu, is now used in relation to his sect brothers and master. Tantai Ji begins to care more and more about other people's lives, as shown when he tries to protect everyone in Jiang from Si Ying and Jing Mie (even a tyrant like Cen Mi).

When he transforms the Heart Guard Scale, he has a vision, an epiphany. He sees all the important people from his past living happily in another reality. I'm still not quite sure what it means. But in that moment he understands that he doesn't have to fear the power of the Devil God, that he is in control of his fate.

Having all the power, while having none

Tantai Jin started out with no power, control or agency over his life. He has gained all of this only to reach a point where none of it matters, none of it is enough. He is powerless against his destiny to become the Devil God, but that doesn't stop him. He goes from accepting his fate as a hostage prince to fighting fate itself.

He attempts to trick the Devil God and his minions before using the Xiaoyao Sect's Incarnation-Abandoning Array to trap and kill their army. This technique requires him to sacrifice his own life - and he is willing to do so:

So he gives in and surrenders to fate and the unimaginable powers of the Devil God he once feared. This leads him to face the echo/essence of the Ancient Devil God in a battle for dominance. It's here that he finally realises that he has always been surrounded by love and kindness. He acknowledges the love of his parents, his maids, his subordinates, his sect and his friends, and most of all, Li Susu. She taught him to love and to feel emotions, breaking through the darkness that was his life under the thumb of the Devil God. It is this realisation that leads him not only to fully embrace his fate, but also to ascend to godhood.

However, even with the power of the Devil God and his own godly powers, he is still powerless when it comes to the most important thing: stopping the activated All-in-Distress Way from destroying the three realms and the living beings within them. All his powers are pretty much useless. Tantai Jin has gone from being powerless to having all the power imaginable, and it's still not enough. There is only one way to save the world, and that is for Li Susu herself to ascend to godhood, kill him and thus destroy the All-in-Distress Way.

Therefore, Tantai Jin sees no choice but to free Li Susu from her romantic love for him, so that she can attain the Heartless Way. In doing so, he reinforces his own by embarking on a Heartless Way of his own. As previously quoted, "Heaven and Earth are heartless", and in this sense Tantai Jin is trying to be partial to her pain. And even though we know he's not, he's still trying to sacrifice his love and his remaining obsession for the sake of everyone, for the greater good. Not only does he have to destroy Li Susu's love for him, he has to kill his own by acting against his own desires. This is the heartless way.

In these scenes, the two newly ascended gods are in Tantai Jin's mind and heart. We have already seen these inner places symbolised by space and sky. It visualises how Tantai Jin has achieved inner peace, embraced by light and tranquillity.

I think that even as gods, Tantai Jin and Li Susu were still deeply in love, but they don't put each other above anyone else. In a final sacrifice, Tantai Jin rejects Li Susu's wish to be reincarnated together, destroying his immortal essence and thus himself for eternity (or so it seems).

In this post, I tried to approach Tantai Jin as a character in TTEOTM through two theme present in the story: The metaphor of the Heartless Way and motive of embracing power and powerlessness. Tantai Jin’s hero's story has led him from being without power and agency, a mere pawn of more powerful men and gods, to gain power and love before losing it. He was born without love, appearing heartless, only to gain the ability to feel emotion before having his heart broken (literally). Eventually, he gives up his worldly obsessions, emotions and ego, while developing a deep compassion for every living creature. In the end, his ultimate power lies in his sacrifice and his ability to love.

We have reached the end of this post. I warned you that it was going to be excessive… if you've made it this far, thank you for your time and patience! I hope I haven't made too many spelling mistakes! I originally wanted to highlight more of Luo Yunxi's acting, but I ran out of space. I think I will make a separate post about that.

I would like to thank my Twitter friend ~NPY~, with whom I have been discussing this show for weeks now, and who has helped me with many of these thoughts and ideas. Also a shout out to the reddit user who explained the misunderstanding of the "heartless" path!

#luo yunxi #cdrama #till the end of the moon #tteotm #tantai jin

118 notes · View notes

all-my-writings-and-musings · 2 years

Note

Hey, so, hear me out: Tall, possibly buff, fem!Reader? I would love some head-canons about how Monkey king, Macaque, Red son and MK would feel about/interact with their big beautiful S/O, if it's not too much trouble that is.

I'm a sucker for a good height difference, and we stan strong women in this household.

P.S. I love your work, you are such an inspiration!

Ohohoho you've got good taste! Also thank you so much, that absolutely made my day!! ❤

Reader X Sun Wukong

Reader X Macaque

Reader X Red Son

Reader X MK

Reader X Monkey King

He loves his muscles, but he adores yours. If you happen to do anything that shows off your buffness, he is going to stop and notice, and he borders on fanboying if you're in the presence of others. "Guys, check out how much my girlfriend can lift!" as he gets into position to be benchpressed. The bragging never ends, especially to his enemies.

He really loves being able to look up to you, and is not above asking for a piggyback ride so he can be taller. Sure, the guy has flown through the clouds, but being on your shoulders is so much better! If the two of you are in a crowd there is nothing he loves more than towering over everyone else, proudly declaring you as his girlfriend to anyone that will listen.

However, should you ever lift him bridal style, our monkey man will go from boastful to bashful so fast not even he will be prepared. You'll have him curling up and blushing whilst he looks up at you with the softest expression of adoring awe, his words failing him as he struggles with how incredible you are.

Reader X Macaque

He will try to play it cool, lord, will he try. Unfortunately enough for his ego, he will fail. Whenever you lift anything heavy in his presence his cheeks flush without hesitation, and if you lift something for him he's going to need a moment. He may ask you to open a pickle jar just to watch you do so. He's been around plenty of strength before, but yours brings him to his knees.

Reader X Red Son

When he goes out in public with you, the bragging will commence, and he shall pretend he's not so smitten with your muscles he's incapable of functioning. Should you ever enter some carnival game to show off your strength, he'll be your ultimate hype man, smugly letting everyone know that his girlfriend is the strongest human in existence and has got this. Said confidence fades as soon as you offer him the prize you win, and he returns to being thoroughly overwhelmed.

One day, he will fall asleep on the couch, and when he wakes up to find you carrying him to bed he will pass right back out. It's just too much, he can't even pretend to be smooth with you.

Reader X MK

He is going to call you mommy on at least one occasion. It will not be on purpose, and he will beg for you to never speak of it again. He always tries to present himself with decorum, dignity and control, but you make that an absolute impossibility. On more than one occasion he's bumped your arm and couldn't stop chuckling like a nervous fool at the touch of your muscles...

He's exceptionally strong, but that doesn't stop him from being awed by your strength. He may just find a few heavy things about his garage that need moving, if you have the time, of course... You'll find his gaze lingering every time you pick something up, and he'll turn away with a fiery blush hot enough to melt the wheels off his vehicles.

For as bashful as he gets about most things regarding your strength, he has no qualms about asking you to pick him up so he can reach something otherwise out of range. It's his favorite way to get a little taller when the situation calls for it. He just sees it as a perfectly practical solution, and he weighs absolutely nothing to you anyway, you told him it's like holding a couple grapes.

He isn't subtle, but he sure thinks he is every time he asks you to open another jar, pretending to be absolutely helpless just so he can watch with giddy excitement. There are more open pickle jars than he can ever hope to eat, but he doesn't care. When the two of you train together he's no less eager to watch you show off, and if you offer to show him some techniques he'll be beyond excited.

All he wants to do when the two of you walk together is hold hands and gush to anyone who will listen about his strong girlfriend. Do they know how much you can benchpress? How you once punched a guy so hard he apologized to you? They need to know; he's dating the strongest person in the world!

Piggyback rides, whenever you're game, he loves them so much. If you're down, he also loves sitting on your shoulders. He gets to be so tall, and close to you at the same time, it's such a win! Bonus if the two of you are out in public, he gets to brag about you from above!

772 notes · View notes

artemisia-black · 3 months

Note

Do you think Peter dies in the DH because he "owed" Harry one? Like Dumbledore explained in the end of PoA. Or it was simply his hand knew the he is betraying Voldemort... So it strangled him to death?

Ooh great question, I think it's a combination of both.

Life Debt Interpretation: According to Dumbledore's assertion. When Harry spared Peter's life in PoA, he inadvertently created a magical bond between them, a life debt that Peter was bound to repay. In DH, when Peter hesitates for a moment instead of killing Harry, it is because Harry evokes this life debt.

The life debt could have acted as a magical force, influencing Peter's actions and leading to his hesitation, which in turn activated the hand's curse.

Voldemort's curse:

Voldemort, who is acutely aware of Pettigrew's past actions and his propensity for betrayal, acknowledges in the opening chapter of GoF that Pettigrew's loyalty is not born out of allegiance or respect but rather out of fear. Voldemort understands that Pettigrew's allegiance can shift depending on who he perceives as the strongest protector at the moment, as demonstrated by Pettigrew's betrayal of his friends and his subsequent turn to Voldemort when he believed the Dark Lord to be the more powerful force.

This insight into Pettigrew's character is crucial when considering the enchanted silver hand that Voldemort gives to Pettigrew. The hand is not just a replacement for Pettigrew's lost limb; it's symbolic of the lengths Peter is willing to go to for self-preservation (cutting off your hand is no mean feat).

The hand, therefore, becomes a constant reminder to Pettigrew that he is made from something Voldemort has given him. Indeed in the graveyard scene we see him admiring it's power;

"He flexed the shining fingers, then, trembling, picked up a small twig on the ground and crushed it into powder.

“My Lord,” he whispered. “Master ... it is beautiful ... thank you ... thank you. ..."

But the power to crush a few leaves is a mere shadow of what Voldemort is capable of. He has given Peter a trinket and nothing more, and I think this is rooted in Voldemort's understanding of Peter's character.

Voldemort's choice to consistently refer to Pettigrew as "Wormtail," the nickname originally given to him by his friends, is a calculated and demeaning tactic that serves multiple purposes in their dynamic. This moniker, once a sign of camaraderie and belonging amongst the Marauders, is co-opted by Voldemort and twisted into a tool of psychological manipulation and control.

Firstly, by using the name "Wormtail," Voldemort is effectively stripping Pettigrew of any personal identity or dignity he might have outside of his service to Voldemort. It's a constant reminder of Pettigrew's betrayal of his friends, reinforcing his status as a traitor and someone who cannot be trusted. This serves to isolate Pettigrew, ensuring that he is acutely aware that his only place of 'safety' is under Voldemort's protection, further entrenching his sense of dependency and fear.

The silver hand, on the other hand (pun intended), is a physical manifestation of this control and dependency. While it is a powerful magical object, it's also a symbol of Pettigrew's servitude and indebtedness to Voldemort. The hand is a constant, tangible reminder that Pettigrew's life and agency are literally in Voldemort's hands. It represents the lengths to which Pettigrew has gone for self-preservation, even to the extent of mutilating his own body.

Moreover, the hand is enchanted to ensure Pettigrew's complete loyalty. It's not just a gift; it's a leash. This magical constraint ensures that any thoughts of betrayal or disobedience are immediately punished, as seen when the hand turns on Pettigrew the moment he shows a hint of mercy towards Harry, influenced by the life debt he owes. This fatal feature of the hand exemplifies the no-escape situation Pettigrew has put himself in. It's a symbol of the ultimate power Voldemort holds over him, both physically and magically

Hence, there is a profound, almost poetic symmetry to the manner of Pettigrew's demise. The very hand that was bestowed upon him by Voldemort — intended as a symbol of the amount he has sacrificed to be protected by Voldy- becomes the instrument of his undoing.This hand, a tangible reminder of his treachery and a tool meant to ensure his obedience, ultimately enforces the most severe punishment for his moment of hesitation, a hesitation influenced by the life debt he owed to Harry, the son and godson of the very friends he betrayed. In this final act, Pettigrew's life comes full circle, marked by betrayal, fear, and the inescapable consequences of his own choices, under the shadow of the dark forces he once sought refuge within.

#peter pettigrew #wormtail #harry potter #Voldemort

43 notes · View notes

boywifesammy · 9 months

Text

i just reached swan song in my rewatch.

if spn ended here… i’d be happy. more than. it’s a beautiful and bittersweet closure to a heart ache of a show. it wraps everything up beautifully. it takes sam, who viewed himself as a monster all his life, who was constantly labelled by everyone around him as a powerless junkie, and it lets him take over. hell, even SAM said himself that he views himself as less than everyone else. he knows his weaknesses and his failures yet he still said yes. he still fought. and in the end, it was his HUMANITY that brought him back. it was dean and the small memories of happiness that he holds so tight. sam just learnt that his entire LIFE was a lie orchestrated by azazel— but who he is? his family? dean? that’s all his. so in that last moment, by having sam regain control, it’s really the ultimate statement of humanity. he is not a monster. he is so very human that he fought the devil and won. isn’t that amazing??

also… dean in the aftermath. even though he lived through the apocalypse and lost his whole fucking world in one fell swoop, he kept his promise. he did what sam asked of him. he shed the cyclic revenge-fury-anger fate that his father instilled in him and he broke free. he let go, despite how much it broke him inside. every time i think about it, it makes my entire body ache. the sheer amount of grief and emotion that dean must harbour is unfathomable. the pressure he is under is impossibly crushing. but he keeps going on. he lives. he does it one day at a time, and he does it in his brother’s memory.

there is just something so fucking heartbreaking about that, about dean who will never fill the hole in his chest, who will never stop missing sam and seeing him in his dreams and wondering what if but who CHOSES to live. who choses to build up from ground fucking zero and make something of the life that sam fought for. to honour his last dying wish even if it killed him inside because he can finally acknowledge that he is more than sam’s keeper. he is his brother. he respects and trusts him, and he treats him like his own person. that speaks VOLUMES to dean’s character development, because never in my wildest dreams could i imagine a dean winchester who lets sam go BUT THIS DEAN DOES. this dean not only lets sam go but does so with pride and dignity and honour for who he was. that’s just mindblowing to me. s5 did such a PHENOMENAL job at wrapping up spn.

this isn’t to say that the latter seasons are all bad. it’s just that spn has traded so many hands throughout its life that the show that it ended as is virtually unrecognizable from the show it started as. that’s just a true fact. supernatural changed after seasons 1-5. it grew out into something new. i have a shit ton of love and respect for that in its own right— but og supernatural? kripke supernatural? the blood, grit, gore and gothic americana supernatural that i grew up on? in my mind, that ends with swan song. that supernatural is it’s own little story. everything after is an addendum, a sequel. the original story of sam and dean ends with that shot of dean with lisa and ben having dinner. the story ends with sam sacrificing himself for the world and proving without a doubt that he is good and human along the way. it ends on a note of bittersweet hope and raw grief that bleeds all the way down to your core but soothes the wounds in the aftermath, because no matter how much it hurts, it’s closure. for sam, and for dean.

#oc #supernatural #spn #spn meta #sam winchester #dean winchester #spn 2x22 #swan song #AND ALSO?? that reel of their moments overlaid with the howling wind #the simplicity of the whole bit with chuck and the impala #chuck dissolving into a mist at the end #i HATE this show i HATE it i want to eat it i need to be put down like a rabid dog #i’m not a crier but holy FUCK this episode had me dangerously close #anyway #i’m gonna go scream at the wall now

82 notes · View notes

justanotherrpmeme · 8 months

Text

Hangover starters

"Ugh, my head is pounding. I shouldn't have had that last drink."

"I feel like a train wreck. How are we going to survive today?"

"Why did we think it was a good idea to drink so much last night?"

"I can barely remember anything. My liver is definitely not happy with me."

"I need a gallon of coffee to survive this day."

"Coffee won't be enough. We need a miracle cure for this hangover."

"I can't believe we have to be functional human beings today."

"We're in for a rough ride. Maybe we can blame it on bad sushi or something."

"I can't even look at food right now. The thought of it makes me nauseous."

"I never want to see another drink or greasy food for the rest of my life."

"Do you remember anything we did last night?"

"I hope we didn't embarrass ourselves too much."

"I swear, I'm never drinking again."

"We need some serious self-control."

"Is it possible to die from a hangover?"

"Let's just survive the day and promise ourselves we'll never do this again."

"I can't believe we have responsibilities today. I just want to crawl back into bed."

"We should have stuck to our 'one drink' rule."

"We never learn. Now we're paying the price."

"I feel like I've aged 10 years overnight."

"Do you think anyone can smell the alcohol on us?"

"I can't believe we thought shots were a good idea."

[text]: Ugh, my head is killing me. Did we really have that many shots last night?

[text]: Can we declare today a national holiday for hungover people? I need to recover ASAP.

[text]: I feel like a zombie right now. Any chance you can bring me some coffee and a big plate of greasy food?

[text]: Remember when we thought that last round of tequila shots was a good idea? My liver definitely regrets it.

[text]: I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk. How did we even end up at that karaoke bar?

[text]: Is it too early to start counting down the hours until it's acceptable to take a nap?

[text]: I just saw a picture from last night. Who let us dance on the tables?

[text]: I'm convinced that hangovers were invented to punish us for having fun.

[text]: The sound of a doorbell right now feels like an explosion in my head. Please be quiet!

[text]: I'm contemplating crawling to the fridge, but I'm not sure I have the energy. Send help!

[text]: Water, Advil, and a dark room are the holy trinity of hangover remedies. I'm practicing all three right now.

[text]: If I could choose any superpower right now, it would be the ability to rewind time and undo last night's mistakes.

[text]: My dignity is still recovering.

[text]: Can we make a pact never to touch alcohol again? At least until the next weekend.

[text]: I've never appreciated a good slice of pizza more than I do in this very moment. It's the ultimate hangover cure.

[text]: The sunlight is my sworn enemy right now. It's like a thousand daggers piercing through my eyelids.

#ask meme #rp starter #rp ask #starter meme #rp meme

102 notes · View notes

r1-jw-lover · 3 months

Text

Caine as John Wick's Mirror: A Somewhat Coherent Analysis

What is even a 'mirror' exactly, narratively-speaking?

A mirror character is someone who reflects the hero, usually by highlighting similarities, and is therefore used to help enhance the themes being explored in the story. They can share personality traits, values, skillsets, even goals and narrative arcs, but how the pair of characters differ in their approach to these commonalities is what makes this literary device so interesting.

Caine as a character in the John Wick universe is so fascinating to me (not many people are able to go toe-to-toe against the Baba Yaga himself) and while a lot of my fascination and enjoyment can be attributed to Donnie Yen's performance and his chemistry with Keanu Reeves, what I want to talk about is the writing of his character, and how well Caine served as a mirror to John Wick, the protagonist.

I think to analyse Caine as a character, we need to first look back at another character who most closely served a similar function as Caine towards John Wick: Cassian.

Cassian and Caine are the only two people in the John Wick movies who fought John Wick squarely in a one-to-one match as equals, and got a gracious send off by John in return. Neither of them wanted to or asked to be made an enemy of John Wick (in fact, it was John's actions that caused both men to pit against the Baba Yaga), but each of them took up their role within the story with much dignity and fairness, and in the end were rewarded with John sparing their lives.

Cassian provides lovely contrast to John in Chapter 2. He is the first to show us a character on the same playing field as John Wick who could sit next to the legendary Baba Yaga and share a drink and enjoy a conversation before Caine or anyone else did.

Cassian and John respected each other, knew each other's preferred drink and promised to make the other's death quick, but it seems that's all there is to their relationship, and the moment they stepped out of the Rome Continental all bets are off.

Their motivations are widely different at this point in the story, and Cassian as a character feels more like an obstacle in John's way that John had to face eventually.

Speaking within the confines of the individual movies that they first appeared in, I will argue Cassian from Chapter 2 aligns more closely with the Tracker/Mr. Nobody from Chapter 4 when it comes to his place in the overall narrative, and it is Santino who's on the same level as Caine, because Santino had history with John, asked John about his wife, knew John personally and was the reason John broke Continental rules and would eventually go up against the High Table.

To add onto this, Cassian more importantly serves as a greater parallel to Ares being bodyguards of the D'Antonio siblings with the way John left his opponent's knife in Cassian's chest and kept him alive because John respected Cassian vs John pulling Ares' knife out of her chest and letting her die because John couldn't respect Ares.

At the end of the day, John and Cassian are both men who were ultimately bound by their loyalties to Santino and Gianna respectively, whether that be out of a Blood Marker or out of a sense of duty.

On the other hand, the relationship between John and Caine is the literal heart of Chapter 4.

Yes, Caine has parallels with other characters too. He and Koji were fathers trying to protect their daughter if it meant throwing away their shared brotherhood, he and Mr. Nobody were pawns under the Marquis' thumb tasked with hunting John Wick, but these parallels take a backstage to the parallels between John and Caine.

They are retired hitmen who were forced back into their old life and pitted against each other in a duel to the death through circumstances out of their control. Neither of them had any love for the High Table, and neither of them wanted to hurt or kill the other either. They have the physical evidence to show of their past/present servitude to the High Table (John's ring finger and Caine's eyes), and in contrary to the Marquis' own evaluation of their character, both men had someone to live for, die for, and kill for.

Where they differ is that, one is driven by a sense of loss to remember his dead wife, and the other is driven by a sense of protection to keep his daughter alive. (It's interesting to note that Helen's death had nothing to do with the High Table at all whereas Mia was only alive thanks to the High Table's grace.)

This dilemma of choosing between their loved one and their past friendship is key to Chapter 4's theme of what it truly costs to obtain freedom. It reminds us that John isn't a perfect martyr for rebelling against the High Table with how much trouble and pain he caused to those around him, including Caine. But it also doesn't absolve Caine from the bloodshed he's responsible for despite his hands being tied by the Marquis, or the fact that killing his friend is wrong.

Caine: We are damned, you and I. John: On that, we agree.

I think that Chapter 4 introducing Caine early on in the movie, definitely much earlier than Cassian in Chapter 2, tells us how important Caine's role is to John's goal of achieving freedom and peace. (The most notable example is Caine helping John up the stairs of Sacre-Coeur after he got kicked down these very same steps by Chidi.) In the same vein, Caine wouldn't have gotten his happy ending if John hadn't made the ultimate sacrifice of saving his last bullet to shoot the Marquis.

Not only that, Chapter 4 also shows us several instances of genuine camaraderie and companionship between John and Caine underneath their antagonism, not just how well they worked together and understood each other when they had a common enemy in sight (first in the Berlin nightclub with Killa, and eventually during the sunrise duel with Marquis de Gramont) but also how much they cared for each other deep down.

John and Cassian are colleagues, but John and Caine are close friends. And I think that's why Caine makes for such a good mirror to John Wick, and is the one most deserving to send off John Wick for good in the final chapter of the franchise, that is until John Wick 5 comes along. :(

Tagging @evren-sadwrn, @chaoticgardenbread and @jotunvali02 <3 <3

#jw #john wick #jw4 #john wick 4 #john wick chapter 4 #john wick 4 spoilers #john wick chapter 4 spoilers #caine #caine jw #caine john wick #cassian jw #cassian john wick #keanu reeves #donnie yen #john wick analysis #character analysis #long post

20 notes · View notes

thesimulationswarm · 6 months

Text

Balsam, Chapter 4: A Little Cemetery

This is a story about trauma. What trauma does to a person, and what trauma does to a community. And how, in the midst of it, people find their way to joy, delight— even love.

Pairing: Joel Miller x original female character Summary: After the events of tlou, Joel and Ellie try to establish a “normal life” in Jackson, but neither of them are any good at normal. A town doctor tries to care for residents who have experienced unspeakable trauma, and struggles to overcome her own past at the same time. Joel finds himself drawn to her, as their lives become increasingly intertwined. Meanwhile, outside Jackson, troubling things are happening… Rating: explicit 18+ MDNI Word count: 5.7k Warnings: slow burn (there will be smut eventually), canon-typical violence, descriptions of medical situations, trauma/PTSD symptoms, painful adolescent social dynamics, LGBTQ issues, Ellie and Joel figuring out how to be family, Tommy and Joel figuring out how to be family

Series masterlist

At the council meeting, it was Jenna Starkey who saved Dr. Connor.

She sat up straight, eyes puffy but dry, and looked at the people of Jackson. “He got to die with his wife, his baby, and his dignity. I know it’s what he would’ve wanted.” Maria watched the audience nodding gravely at her words and murmuring among themselves. Most people there had seen enough of violent deaths to know going quickly was better than going slowly.

But there were dissenters. Big Michael, of course, who felt betrayed by Nina. He’d come to her to save his closest friend, and instead she’d killed him. He was calm today, at least— subdued, the weight of grief settling down into his shoulders.

Archie Hayes, who ran the butcher shop, said Nina “had no right to take the Lord’s work into her own hands.” Maria saw Nina’s eyebrows rise at that, and knew what she was thinking: pretty rich for someone who spent his days eviscerating chickens and sawing through the leg joints of lambs.

But thankfully Nina kept her mouth shut. Tact wasn’t always her strong suit.

Then there was a group of women from the kitchens, where Starkey had worked. Chrissy, Lena, and shy Marisa Robinson, her face stained with tears. They all came up together and spoke about what the community had lost when Starkey died, and how he hadn’t even been given a chance to survive. The testimony had emotional impact, but it ultimately couldn’t outweigh the opinion of Starkey’s widow.

Maria watched the crowded room carefully, assessing every face and posture. She had experience reading juries, but it was harder when the jury was the size of a small town. Sure, Nina wasn’t on trial— not in any official sense. This was just a discussion of what had occurred on the day that Starkey died. She knew the council members, and knew that given the circumstances, the majority would not favor any sort of formal charge.

But even if most folks approved of Nina’s actions, any serious objections still spelled trouble, and she was alert for signs of them in the meeting room. The doctor could walk freely out of here today, then be attacked in the street tomorrow. She’d seen it before: an accused murderer acquitted, only to be hit by a rival gang. Or simmering tensions could grow over time until they split the town into rival factions.

Maria kept her exterior carefully controlled as she sat there on the dais, but underneath she was edgy, preoccupied. She had wanted to believe that, in the safety of Jackson, they’d moved beyond mercy killings. But after this last brutal winter, their environment was more hostile than ever. Spring had begun, but the patrol attacks hadn’t stopped, and she was afraid that something truly awful was happening outside of Jackson. She could see the signs gathering, like dark clouds massing on the horizon.

They would need to be prepared.

And she worried about Nina, too. The doctor was efficient and effective at what she did. She clearly cared about Jackson and the people who lived there. But Maria knew that as a person— as a friend— Nina was troubled. She’d seen flashes of it over the years they’d known each other. Nina had that stubborn self-sufficiency, an unwillingness to let other people in. She could be reckless, with her temper and her predilection for dangerous men. And then there were her episodes, when she went flat and unresponsive for hours or even days at a time.

After the incident with Starkey and then Big Michael, she’d shut down like that. Anya and Brandy had to physically lift her from the street where she’d knelt, and hold her arms as they’d walked her back to her place. Maria had followed them and taken Nina upstairs to her apartment above the clinic. She sat her at the kitchen table and made a cup of tea.

Nina had stared down at the cup with empty eyes, and made no effort to lift it to her lips.

And as Maria stood there and watched Nina’s insensate face, she’d wanted to shake her, make her snap out of the trance she was in.

She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t pissed off. Not that she disagreed with what Nina had done, exactly, but she was not too pleased with how she’d done it. Not telling Starkey. Not telling Starkey. Doing it out in the street, in front of half the town. The cavalier way she’d administered a lethal injection, then snapped at the dead man’s shocked best friend. It was going to stir people up in Jackson, make things difficult for Maria and certainly for Nina as well. And then the woman wouldn’t even speak or meet her eyes. Yes, Nina couldn’t help it— but it still rankled.

Maria had looked around her kitchen, struck by how sad her living quarters were: the battered table, the single chair, one chipped dinner plate on an otherwise empty shelf. No personal touches— art or flowers or knickknacks. Her home looked abandoned, even though someone lived there.

She’d leaned against the counter, arms crossed, watching the tea grow cold on the table. Her back and her feet ached, but as frustrated as she was, she hadn’t been willing to leave her friend when she was like this. Didn’t want her to “wake up” all alone. So she waited, as shadows slowly lengthened down the peeling wallpaper.

Finally, a flicker of awareness returned to Nina’s features. She shifted in her chair.

“You okay?” Maria asked.

Nina shrugged her shoulders. “Guess so. It’s been a weird day.”

“That’s one word for it.” Maria pointed to the cup, and Nina finally raised it to her lips. “I know you couldn’t save him, Nina. But some people are going to be upset about how things went down.”

Nina was quiet for a long moment, looking out the window at the tangle of tree branches, the darkening sky.

“There’s a quote I think about sometimes,” she spoke softly. “Something an old French doctor wrote. ‘Every surgeon carries about him a little cemetery, in which from time to time he goes to pray, a cemetery of bitterness and regret, of which he seeks the reason for certain of his failures.’”

Maria sighed deeply.

“Girl, you’ve got to get your act together.”

Joel watched from the back of the room, arms crossed over his chest. He was relieved to see which way things were going, but the whole thing was bullshit. Maria and Tommy knew Nina wasn’t a murderer, and they were still parading her up there in front of the town, while they debated what she’d done.

Calling it democracy. He’d seen how democracy could go—what happened in Kansas City, wasn’t that the will of the people?

Nina sat at a table beside the council members, with her dark hair pulled back and her chin held high. He watched her face, but her expression was hard to read— she didn’t look scared, or angry. Maybe just a little sad. She answered the questions people asked politely, matter-of-factly. Didn’t get emotional up there, unlike some of the townspeople.

Ellie was sitting a row in front of him, beside a group of other teenagers. She’d wanted to come here today and see what it was all about. He knew she was feeling anxious about it.

“It’s fucked up,” she told him last night at dinner, shoveling food into her mouth. She’d never stopped eating like a starving animal. “It’s like people here forgot that everyone is gonna die, and now they’re mad at Dr. Connor because she reminded them.”

She was a smart kid. Smarter than him by a mile, which made him proud and also nervous. He stared at the tilt of her small shoulders, the glossy strands of her ponytail. He would’ve liked to sit with her, but he didn’t want to crowd her or embarrass her around the other kids. He was trying to be a good… whatever he was to her.

He was surprised by how relieved he felt when the council announced that, “after hearing from all interested parties,” they felt the doctor’s actions “had been justified by extraordinary circumstances.” Nina stood and Maria walked her out through the back, with a hand pressed between her shoulder blades.

There was a flurry of movement as a woman pushed through the back row roughly and stormed out to the street. It was the quiet girl from the dining hall, the one who always looked scared of Joel. She’d been up there crying like a widow with Starkey’s other coworkers. Bunch of girls who were either sleeping with the guy or wanted to be, hard to be sure.

As the door slammed behind the girl, voices rose in the room. People were getting up from their seats, talking to each other, standing around in small groups or walking down the aisles to leave. There was a lot to gossip about, he supposed.

He moved toward Ellie, who was still with the other kids. As he stepped into her line of site, she shot up from her chair and strode quickly over to him. For a second, he was worried— then he realized what was happening. She didn’t want to talk to him in front of the other teenagers.

Jesus, was he really that embarrassing? He shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to affect a casual stance.

“Doin’ okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I’m gonna head home. You wanna come, or…” He trailed off, looking over her shoulder at the clump of kids.

“Actually, some of us were going to go hang out for a bit?”

“Sure, sure. Just, uh, be home before dinner time?”

“Dinner time. Okay.” She gave him a sharp little nod of agreement, then turned to rejoin the group.

He wasn’t really sure what to do with himself now. He saw Tommy up at the front of the room, talking to a few men. Thought for a brief moment of going up there, but he wasn’t ready yet. He still hadn’t spoken to him since that night he’d met Maria at the bar.

Ellie was moving toward the door now, walking with a boy and a girl who both looked vaguely familiar. He watched as she turned her head toward the girl and laughed. Then the boy looked at the two of them, smiling, and said something he was too far away to hear. Now that he could see more of his face, he recognized the kid who was always walking that dog around town. A tall teenager, a little gangly, but with a nice thick head of hair and a brooding look. Ellie smiled back at him.

So that’s why she was so dead set on working with the dogs. She had herself a little crush on the boy who trained them. And it looked like she was actually making friends.

He walked slowly behind the group for half a block, trying to hold back the smile that wanted to erupt across his face. Then he turned off toward home.

The three of them went to an empty house on the north side of town. It was small and a little sad looking, with a caved-in section of roof. The front door was boarded shut, but Brandy led them around to the back, past a lurching, rotting porch and in through the kitchen door. Ellie ran her finger down the coiled cord of a telephone that hung on the wall, feeling the satisfying way it sprang back after she tugged on it.

In the living room, dust swirled through the air and a floral couch sagged against the wall. Brandy plopped down in the middle, and Ellie and Chuy took the sides. Now that they were out of the crowd, Brandy had grown quiet, and Ellie could see the strain on her face.

“Well that was fucking dumb,” Ellie sighed. “I mean, at least they let her go and all. But I don’t see how any of that meeting was necessary.”

“She didn’t have a choice,” Brandy agreed softly. “As soon as I saw him lying there, I thought, ’This guy is going to fucking die.’”

“I still can’t believe you were there for that.” Ellie was honestly a little jealous. She’d never seen anybody die like that, a shot of poison into the vein. Not that she wanted it to have happened, but if it was going to happen— well, she was super fucking curious about it.

Brandy looked queasy, and she realized she’d said the wrong thing. Dumb, dumb, dumb. She tried to think of a more supportive response, but her mind went blank. Why was this so hard?

“I always liked Starkey, you know? He was nice. And I— I’ve never actually— ” Brandy broke off, her voice cracking. She stared down at her lap. Ellie wanted to put a hand on her shoulder, or maybe rub her back reassuringly, below the smooth cascade of her hair. But she wasn’t sure if she should— was that weird? Was it too much?

“I’ve never seen someone die before,” Brandy choked out.

Oh shit. Poor Brandy. She was biting her lip, and Ellie watched the way the sharp line of her teeth indented the delicate skin. Again, she thought about touching her, comforting her. Again, she kept her hands down at her side.

“The first time is hard for everybody,” Chuy spoke gently. “I don’t think anyone really gets over it.”

Brandy turned and looked at him. “I didn’t think it would be so bad, because I’ve known a lot of people who’ve died. But I keep thinking about his face when he died and the weird look his eyes had, and the way he was breathing. It was awful, kind of a rattling, drowning sound.”

Chuy nodded. “I know what you mean. After my dad died, I kept seeing it whenever I closed my eyes.”

“Your dad died?” Ellie was shocked. The way Chuy talked about his dad, she’d thought he was still alive. He was always bragging about the great scientist who had discovered all kinds of things about cordyceps.

Chuy let out a ragged breath. “It was before I came to Jackson. We were surrounded by infected just outside Denver, and he fought them off as long as he could. Really he— he saved my life. He saved Coco, too. She was his dog. He trained her to smell the infections and everything, and I only took over because he was gone.” Ellie thought about the sweet, obedient dog, and how bonded Chuy had always seemed to her.

“I’m so sorry,” Brandy said, leaning closer to Chuy.

“As soon as the infected were all dead, he began to walk back towards me and Coco. And that’s when Coco started barking at him—she’d never barked at him before. And I knew right away what that meant. I don’t think he realized until then, either, because he looked down at his arm and he had this horrified look when he saw where he’d been bitten. And then he just… shot himself.”

“Jesus,” Ellie breathed. She saw Riley’s face, contorted with pain, how it had looked that day in the the fucking Halloween store. Facing defeat. Way I see it, we got two options.

“There are these little things I thought about for a long, long time,” Chuy went on. “Like how Coco looked at him with her teeth barred, snarling at him. Or the way his arm jerked as he pulled the trigger.”

Ellie nodded— she knew about those kind of memories, too. You really didn’t get over your first time. The look in Riley’s eyes, when she wasn’t Riley anymore. It was same look Sam had that day in the motel. And the way they’d both charged her… She blinked, trying to clear the pictures out of her mind.

She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, and looked at Chuy. His face was serious and sad, but calm. She didn’t understand how he could just talk about this kind of stuff. Whenever she even thought about it she felt like she couldn’t breathe, like she was drowning on land.

And that was when she saw it— Brandy and Chuy, holding hands.

Their arms were resting on the couch between them, their fingers intertwined. There was something so casual about their posture, like… like they’d done this before.

She wanted to throw up.

She was a fucking idiot. Brandy wasn’t like her, and she didn’t like Ellie, no matter how much she laughed at her jokes. Chuy and Brandy were wired the right way, the normal way. Like Joel and Tommy and Maria and maybe everyone else in this godforsaken town, except her.

Joel was cooking dinner when he heard the door bang open, followed by the sound of feet stomping rapidly up the staircase.

“Ellie?” He called out. No answer.

“Ellie?” He repeated himself, louder this time. Again, no answer.

He sighed, turning the burner on the stove down to its lowest setting and wiping his hands on a dishrag. He stopped to pick up the jacket she’d tossed on the floor in the entryway— no matter how many times he’d told her, she never hung it up.

The door to her room was shut. He stood at the top of the stairs for a second, trying to decide what he should do, then stepped forward and rapped on the door with his knuckles.

“What?”

“Can I come in?”

“Fine.” Her voice was clipped, affecting annoyance, but underneath that he could hear the quiver she was trying to suppress. She was crying, or had been crying. His heart sunk.

She was sitting by the window, knees drawn up to her chest. She didn’t turn to acknowledge him when he walked in, kept herself angled toward the gray sky outside. Still, he could see that her face looked puffy and blotched, eyes ringed with pink.

“You doin’ okay?”

She took a sharp breath in. “What the fuck do you think?”

He sat down on the edge of her bed, a few feet from her.

“What happened?” Just a couple hours ago she’d seemed so happy. Walking down the street with her friends, her body loose and light. Whatever upset her, it made the rage well up in him like a fountain. If those kids were mean to her, so help him God he’d snap their little necks.

“You wouldn’t understand,” she replied bitterly.

“I might.”

She huffed out something between a snort and a sigh. “No, you wouldn’t. You don’t know what it’s like to be a fucking freak.”

He felt sick to his stomach, remembering how hard he’d gone at her over working with the dogs. Telling her she needed to be careful, that people would turn on her if they found out, drive her out of town or worse. How was a girl supposed to settle in and make friends with that hanging over her head?

“Ellie.” She wouldn’t look at him, twisting her head further away, her shoulders hunched protectively. He moved over to the windowsill and lowered himself beside her.

“There’s nothin’ wrong with you, Ellie. You’re not a freak, you’re— you’re a—” He faltered, trying to find the right words.

Her head whipped around and she pinned him with her eyes. Angry, anguished, pleading. “What do you think I am?”

“You’re a miracle,” he said softly.

She shook her head at him, then took a deep breath, opening her mouth as if to say something. But no words came. After a moment, her face crumpled and she leaned forward to bury herself against his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her. He rubbed circles against the bird wings of her shoulders, feeling them heave as she sobbed against him.

“Shhh, shhh. Shhh, s’okay.”

Jack and Old Michael had asked Tommy to help with enlarging the sheep enclosure. He knew it was going to be a long day’s work, digging out fence post holes by hand. Now that the ground had finally thawed and farm work could begin in earnest, there were a thousand back-breaking jobs like this to keep him busy in the coming months.

Not that he truly minded a day’s work in the sun. He whistled as he walked toward the barn, auger slung over his shoulder. When he rounded the corner into the field, work was already well underway. Michael was laying down markers along the far end, while Jack was up near the gate, throwing his post hole digger at the ground with all the force his wiry body could muster.

A few feet away from him, Joel was kneeling, hacking away at the roots of a scrubby bush that was in the way. Tommy’s heart sped up— it’d been a good two weeks since he and Joel had spoken. He’d seen his brother in passing, but he wouldn’t so much as meet Tommy’s eyes.

Tommy knew he’d fucked up. Maria had made it plenty clear to him, that night she came home after running into Joel at the bar. He should’ve told Joel as soon as he and Ellie returned from their trip to the Fireflies. But they’d both seemed so worn down and troubled, that day when they’d stumbled back into Jackson. He knew Joel’s moods, was used to tiptoeing around his rage, taking care not to poke the bear. He’d figured he should give them some time to settle in before explaining why Maria had to know about Ellie. And then… well, the time had never seemed right.

And he was a coward when it came to his brother. Had been since he was knee high to a grasshopper.

As he approached, Joel looked up. Tommy could tell by the way his eyes widened that he wasn’t expecting to see him there, either. He stole a glance at Old Michael; even from this distance he could see the amusement on the man’s face. He sighed. Little old fucker thought he was playing matchmaker, getting the feuding Miller brothers out here to build a fence together.

At least there was work to be done. Tommy set himself up a little ways down from Jack, drilling out the next hole. He felt sweat starting to bead on his forehead as he leaned his weight into his arms, wrenching the handles of the auger around and around.

The four men settled into a rhythm with each other, despite the tension hanging in the air. Despite Tommy and Joel not exchanging one word. They took turns digging holes and clearing brush, setting poles and tamping dirt. It was chilly but not freezing, and the work kept them plenty warm.

Around noon they took a break, cooling down in the shadow of the barn. Jack’s sister, Roberta, brought out sandwiches and iced tea. Bread, cheese, pickles, and hefty slices of chicken— it tasted so damn good after all that work.

Joel had sat down as far away from Tommy as he could, on the far side of Jack and Old Michael. But after they finished eating, the two other men excused themselves to go use the facilities, conveniently leaving the brothers alone. Subtle as a goddamn sledgehammer, those guys.

But in truth, he was grateful for the chance.

Tommy looked out across the field, not sure how to start. There was so much he wanted to say to his brother, and a lot of it he’d probably never find a way to put into words.

“I’m sorry, Joel.”

“Don’t.” The response came swiftly, a warning.

“I should’ve told you. I feel terrible about it.”

“You shouldn’t’ve told her in the first place,” Joel hissed.

“It was the night before you left. I thought I was gonna be the one leaving with Ellie in the morning. And I knew it was dangerous. There was a real chance I wouldn’t come back.” Tommy kept his voice soft and even, trying not to let Joel draw him into yet another fight. “I couldn’t walk out on my pregnant wife, maybe for good, without her even knowing why. I couldn’t risk my child growing up not knowing me, and thinking it was ‘cause I didn’t care.”

Tommy looked at his brother. Shoulders set, jaw taut, radiating tension. But he was quiet at least. Not yelling and not storming off, which counted as a victory when it came to Joel.

“But I was gonna do it, Joel. I was gonna take the chance I’d never see my kid grow up, for you. It wasn’t— it wasn’t really about the cure.”

Joel let out a long breath. They sat for a moment in silence.

“And Maria let me go,” Tommy continued. “I know you think she hates you—“

“She does.”

“Okay, she does. But she trusts me when I say I need to do what’s right. And I trust her. You’ve got to know that she’s safe,” he said, his voice pleading. “She’s family now, Joel. Like it or not.”

He could see Joel clenching and unclenching his fist, that nervous habit he had. He took a few deep breaths, then finally turned to look Tommy squarely in the eyes. There was anger in his expression, but mostly there was sadness. And the cold glint of fear.

“I’ve accepted that, Tommy. But I need you to understand, too. Ellie—Ellie is family now, too. We protect her. Like she’s one of our own.”

Nina stood in the dining hall, tray in hand, looking for a place to sit. She was conscious of eyes on her, sizing her up. A feeling akin to being in a middle school cafeteria. She’d avoided coming here for the past week or so, but she couldn’t stay away forever. And anyway, she had business to see to today.

The Millers were all sitting together for a change— Tommy, Maria, Joel, and Ellie. They looked happy, the four of them, as they talked over their dinner. Even Joel looked a little lighter, the brow not as pinched and the scowl not cut so deep. He looked younger when he wasn’t so surly, she noticed. He must’ve wrecked some hearts in his day, with that jawline and those curls and the solid muscle bunching below his shirt. He could probably wreck some hearts right now, here in Jackson, but from what she’d seen he wasn’t terribly interested in that.

As she approached, he looked up suddenly. His eyes caught on hers, wide and dark and a little surprised to find her watching him. Then he looked back down at his plate, suddenly seeming very interested in his potatoes.

“Mind if I join for a minute?” Nina gestured toward an empty chair at one end of the table, beside Tommy and Maria.

“Doc! Please, have a seat.” Tommy gave her a warm smile, and she felt a little rush of gratitude for his friendliness. She liked to pretend she didn’t care what people thought of her, but the past couple of weeks had been rough. Not just the occasional nasty looks, but the general sense of discomfort people had around her, the awkwardness and trepidation and pity.

“I won’t stay long. Don’t want to interrupt your family time. But I do need to check in with you all about something.”

“Nina.” Maria fixed her with one of her looks. “You know you’re always welcome here, and you know you can’t stay in your apartment all day. Stay and eat.”

So she tried to sit and be companionable as she worked through her serving of stew, but her mind was elsewhere. She knew Maria was worried about her and was trying to be supportive by insisting she join their family dinner. But the more stressed she felt, the less she wanted to be around people, putting on a performance of normalcy. She’d rather be back in her clinic, studying her medical textbooks or preparing elderberry tinctures or something productive. Not making small talk with the Millers, however nice they might be.

She was also acutely conscious of Joel sitting a few few away, and keeping quiet much like she was. Twice she looked up just as his eyes were skidding away from her. Was he watching her because she’d been watching him? Or was he just… watching her?

“So Doc,” Tommy began, “you said you had something to talk to us about?”

She set down her spoon. “I have to go to Lava Hot Springs next week, to meet Mo. Starkey was supposed to go with me, like he did in the fall.”

“Shit.” Tommy rubbed an anxious hand along the back of his neck. “I completely forgot.”

“You’re going to meet the smuggler? That’s so fucking cool,” Ellie broke in, eyes shining.

“Ellie,” Joel admonished her quietly.

“What? You know it’s cool.”

“I know it’s unfortunate timing, but I’ve got to meet him. We’re going to be in bad shape if I don’t.”

“No, you’re right. We can’t afford to miss the rendezvous.” Maria looked pensive, running through the logistics in her head. “Someone else needs to go with you. It’s too dangerous to travel that way alone.”

“I hate to say this,” Tommy said with a sheepish look in her direction. “But I think most folks’d be hesitant to go with you right now, Nina. Not for any good reason, but they might be afraid that…” He trailed off.

“What, like she’s gonna execute them if they sprain an ankle or something? That’s bull-“

“Ellie!”

Joel was glaring daggers at the girl, but Nina flashed her a smile. Tommy was right: people might not want to join her on a trip right now. But Ellie was also right: it was bullshit.

There was a moment of silence, everyone thinking through the options. Then Tommy spoke. “I’ll go.”

Nina caught the way Maria’s eyes flicked at his, widening in alarm, before she composed herself. She knew Maria didn’t want him going on any more patrols, not when she was so close to her due date, and not when things outside Jackson had been so treacherous. Tommy, for his part, didn’t look terribly happy about the plan, but he was resolute: it had to be done.

“No, Tommy. You gotta stay with Maria now. I’ll go.” Everyone turned to look at Joel, who went back to spooning soup into his mouth, nonchalantly.

“That could work,” Tommy mused.

“Is that okay with you, Nina?” Maria was giving her a look she didn’t quite understand— studying her, warning her maybe.

The thing that was disturbing him was that Ellie wasn’t mad. She was annoyed and a little mopey about being left behind, but she wasn’t getting in his face and blowing up at him. She left him alone while he packed his rucksack with clothes and supplies.

He didn’t like it. Kept thinking about what Nina had told him that night in the bar. It’s a good thing that Ellie’s acting out. It’s what teenagers did in normal times.

She hadn’t gone out to work with the dogs, either. Not since that day last week when she came home in tears. He’d even told her, with a great deal of discomfort, that it was okay if she wanted to keep doing it.

She’d given him a shocked look, but then she just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. “I dunno, I’m not really that into it anymore.”

“What about… somethin’ else? Some other kind of farm work? Or maybe somethin’ with food, like the bakery?”

“Um, maybe. I guess I’ll talk to Maria about it when you’re gone.”

She had that flatness about her that she got now and then. She’d been that way for a long time after he’d gotten stabbed and she’d been taken by those goddamn fundamentalist creeps. He’d worried then that there was a side of her that was gone for good. That was the way he felt about himself— that parts of the man he’d once been were buried too deep to ever get back.

But she’d resurfaced from that, eventually. She was probably stronger than him, in addition to smarter. Still though, occasionally she would get that look in her eyes. Or that lack of a look, that kind of sad emptiness. It made him feel sick. And he didn’t really know how to help her, because he himself had never learned how to overcome that kind of pain. He just lived like a twisted version of himself in its shadow.

Now he was leaving her while she was in one of those moods, and he felt awful about it. He thought about offering not to go, but he couldn’t do it to Tommy. As he’d reminded Joel, his brother had been willing to put his life on the line for him. For him and for Ellie. And now it was his turn, to look after Tommy and Maria and the baby.

And then there was Nina. He kept thinking about her, and kept trying not to think about her. Kept thinking it was a bad idea to go on this trip with her, when for weeks he’d been daydreaming about her while he fucked his fist in the shower. He barely knew how to act when he was around her in mixed company. How would he get through a week on the road, just the two of them?

There were a number of reasons why he’d hadn’t made any kind of move on her, and didn’t intend to. She was young and tough and smart as a whip, and she was frankly out of his league. He hadn’t hooked up with someone new in over a decade and he wasn’t sure he even remembered how. He’d had no reason to think she was interested.

But despite all that, he wanted to be near her. He wanted to hear her talk with her low, melodic voice. He wanted to look at her dark eyes and darker lashes, the bronze expanse of her skin. The way her hands moved, skillful and gentle, and the way her wide hips swayed as she walked.

She was the fishhook; he was the fish.

#tlou fanfiction #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller #joel miller x original character #tlou fic #the last of us fanfiction #Ellie Williams #Tommy Miller #Maria Miller #tlou fluff #tlou show #tlou #joel miller angst #tlou angst #joel miller series

29 notes · View notes