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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

#eiypo

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hello-yue-here · 3 years

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Yuetara, zukka, and maiko

yuetara

ship

1) its not one of my main ships. i dont rlly read fanfic for them but if i see a cute fanart of them ill enjoy it and i think i first started shipping it because of good fanarts for them.

2) i like yuetara because of how similar they are. theyre both women from the water tribe. they both understand the misogyny that they have faced. and they both said f sexism im gonna be a strong woman. i also love the tui and la parallel. moon spirit and ocean spirit parallel COME ON. YUE IS THE MOON. KATARA IS THE MOST POWERFUL WATERBENDER. THEY ARE THE OCEAN AND THE MOON. the push and pull they could give eachother. that dynamic ftw.

3) i guess if i didnt like something about this ship would be the fact that if i read a fic or see a fanart w yuetara then than means in that particular au i wont get any yuekka and yuekka is probably my second favorite ship. but then again if i get yuetara than i could get a plethora of other sokka ships to go with it so my sadness disappears in like two seconds. gosh shipping is hard sometimes until you remember ‘hey i have like fifty different universes in my head. all ur ships can coexist in ur brain olivia’ other than that i really see no downsides to this ship. maybe i wish it had more content. maybe if it had more content id ship it a lot more but its not one of the more popular ships so the content is kinda few n far between on my feed.

zukka:

SHIPPP

1) my boys. my babies. my loves. i watched this show for the first time when it came out on netflix and when it ended i really didnt ship anything other than kataang. i came onto tumblr to find fun atla content and one of the very first things i saw under the atla tag was zukka content. i was like oh? whats this? zukka? interesting... i was intrigued so i found a list of fic recs and i fell in love with the ship. the rest is history. its probably my number one ship because it was my very first ship here and im nostalgic

2) oh boy there is so much i like about this ship. i relate to a shit ton of characters in atla. but sokka and zuko may be the ones i relate to most. i relate to sokka because i tend to feel second best a lot to my friends. i try to stay positive but things rarely go the way i plan or hope for them too and while im happy for my friends and their achievements i oftentimes find myself thinking why cant that be me? and i see this a lot in sokka especially in sokkas master. i dont feel special a lot and idk seeing sokka feel the same way and then realizing he is special kinda helped me realize that im special too. on the flipside i relate to zuko because i have wild anger issues and difficulty dealing w my emotions a lot as well. i get broody and short tempered and insecure very often and i tend to push people away and i refuse to ask for help (the amount of teachers and adults and therapists who have told me its okay to ask for help ur not any weaker because of it is astounding. do i listen to them? .....im working on it.) and i saw a shit ton of this in zuko. book one and two zuko rarely asks for help as seen in the blue spirit and zuko alone and he pushes away uncle so many times and even when the gaang iffers to help him in i think its the chase he tells them to leave. when he finally has his redemption and joins the gaang and lets them kinda become a better person i was so happy. i want that for myself yk. seeing him finally win the agni kai and overcome his family that always told him he was nothing was such a win. my sister and i get along but when we were children we were very much like zuko and azula. it was extremely competitive all the time and there was so much toxicity and sibling drama to a concerning extent. we get along great now which im very happy about but yeah their sibling relationship hit a lil too on the nose for me. seeing as i relate to these character so much and want them ti be happy i want to live vicariously through them so seeing them together is amazing for me to project into them. i love projecting onto fictional characters and with them i can project onto BOTH so its a winwin. plus so many zukka fics are so well written and heartwarming and heartbreaking and emotional and fluffy anf UGH the talent here us astounding.

3) what do i not like about the ship? again the list is long. oops. mainly the toxic shippers. there are so many toxic zukka stans that sometimes make it hard for me to enjoy this ship but hey! thats what the block button is for:) i despise how often people infantilize zuko and completely ruin his character for the sake of making him a soft weak lil boy who needs protecting. thats just not zuko for me. and ive seen many many accounts even state that this kind of portrayal of zuko is rooted in racist stereotypes about asian men (now i am white so i personally have never experiences racism but i feel the need to bring that up because it is wrong and attention needs to be brought to it because a lot of poc fans have criticised this) and the same for sokka. some ppl rlly skew his character and make him a big strong brute and hypermasculine and once again poc fans have said that this take is rooted in racist stereotypes. again! these are just my opinions! this is my favorite ship! but i think its important to acknowledge some of the bad parts of our ships as well and be critical where criticism is needed :))

maiko

ship

1) I LOVE MAIKO. “i dont hate you” “i dont hate you too” BRUH. my little heart just burst into flames. im sorry guys but maiko is so cute. they hate everything except eachother. BRUH that is one of the cutest tropes. i shipped them the moment i saw them together onscreen and i was so happy when zukos face lit up in the finale when mai came back.

2) “i hate everything but i have a soft spot for you” TAKE MY MONEY I AM A SUCKER FOR THIS. they are so cute together. like zuko is rarely happy in a majority of atla but mai makes him happy and i- 🥺🥺 HE DESERVES IT. and mai is always so supportive of him. when hes stressing out about the war meeting she tries her best to comfort him. and zuko cares about her too. he may not be the best at showing it but oh my god hes TRYING HIS BEST. i think its a very accurate portrayal of teenage relationships because they arent perfect and they do fight but like,, every teenage relationship does that. and even after everything and how he left her in the fire nation she still had his back at boiling rock. she still risked her life against azula to save his butt.

3) the thing i hate about maiko isnt even about maiko. its about antis who think mai is toxic and that zuko deserves better. that has got to be the worst take ive ever heard. they had a fight in ember island. that is NORMAL. they are teenagers. they are not perfect. but underneath all the rough edges and things they need to work out they still care about eachother so freaking much. i genuinelt believe that neither of them would do anything to intentionally hurt the other and i think thats what matters the most. if anything mai is the best girlfriend in the entire world because zuko fucked up like,, quite a few times. he got rlly jealous and dumped her thru a letter and ppl always say that mai was toxic for being mad at him for those two things. umm she had every right to be mad at him for both of those. and while zuko is allowed to feel his emotions and be angry sometimes as well sometimes he needs to think things thru and realize that hey maybe some if this jealousy is unfounded. BUT EVEN THEN. HE RESPECTED HER FEELINGS AND DIDNT TOUCH HER WHEN SHE SAID DONT TOUCH ME. HE RESPECTED HER. so i hate toxic maiko takes because they are literally so wrong in my opinion.

again all of these are just my opinions!! feel free to agree or disagree but please be respectful!! i will respect whatever u think as well because this is all just for fun :)

#atla #avatar the last airbender #zukka #yuetara #maiko #ship game #ask game #long post #wow i wrote a lot #also if anyone wants to talk ships feel free to message me!

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ntamain · 3 years

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Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she's gay?

another gay gem from the r/relationship reddit

Update:

Image ID under the cut, please let me know if I did it wrong!

[Image ID: four screenshots of a post from the relationship subreddit by tumblr user nta-main. The title reads “Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she’s gay?”

The text reads “Update post is now locked, I cant believe so many people were interested in us!! Thank you again for your support, comments and messages.

Hi all, I can't believe I'm asking for advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet but I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. Sorry for the incoming essay but I guess I need to give history. I bought my first house in September last year, It was an odd time but everything just fell into place. It's quite a small village and everyone is really friendly so I got to know my neighbours soon after moving in - yes, socially distanced. Then I met my over-the-road neighbour, let's call her Elle. I can't describe it but it's the first time I've ever met someone and been lost for words and my heart was racing and just thought "omg", y'know?? So after I blushed my way through a welcome to the village type convo we only saw each other for a wave and hello for a few days.

To help kinda settle in I had my dog (Bea) with me for the first few weeks. During this time there was a massive increase in dog thefts in a nearby town, not just from gardens but literally wrestled away from people. If I'd have been working (furloughed off and on since March) then I would've taken Bea back to mum's but since I was home with her all day she stayed. So the local police advised to not walk dogs alone but we go out twice a day, a 10k run in the morning and a few miles walk in the evening. So obvs this scares me, but at the same time she is honestly a pain in the arse and gets upset if she doesn't go for a run and needs to be tired out so I'm kind of stuck at this point. Then along comes Elle. She knocked on the door and offered to come with us as she'd seen Bea and me in the evenings and everything kind of spiralled from there. I told her about my morning runs but she didn't really bite so I thought nothing of it. Then a few days later I bumped into her on a run, so she started joining us on those too.

A few months later and we are spending more and more time together everyday. It has now progressed to a run early morning, afternoon coffee, dinner most evenings and then the evening walk. It just seemed to happen without me really noticing. I didn't read into things that much as I don't want to get my hopes up and ruin anything until another neighbour commented about how much time we spend together and how "it's nice to see you young gals getting on" and winked. She actually winked at me. I asked her what she meant but she just laughed and said "you know what I mean". So now I'm looking back on things and wondering if she could like me too?

Here's some reasons why she might like me:

I went running along the same route at the same time for nearly 2 weeks before I happened to run into her a few days after I told her this?

I make her a coffee every afternoon (Elle is WFH) and take it over in her fave mug. She says I make good coffee but I'm pretty sure I saw a fancy coffee machine the first time I went round (it's not there now?).

Elle carried on running and walking with me even after Bea went home. I told her she was going back to mum's and she said well "I'll have to make another excuse to join you" and then we just carried on everyday.

She has tried really hard to bond with Bea. Bea is a very anxious dog and is scared of everyone except me and mum. Elle bought special treats to give her everyday and has been so amazing with her and never tried to force anything. When I asked her she said "it's important to me that she likes me and is comfortable". Bea actually fell asleep between us on the sofa yesterday and It just makes my heart skip a beat guys.

She invited me to the zoom quiz she does with her friends every fortnight or so and they were all like "oh so this is who we've heard so much about "

We realised we had become each other's support bubble. Elle asked if I was meeting anyone else and I said no, she said she was glad she had me all to herself (!!)

We gave each other quite personal xmas presents. Like, it actually made me tear up it meant so much to me. And she bought stuff for Bea!!

Reasons why she might not like me:

All the reasons above, but that she's just doing them because she's a fucking great person and we're friends?

It might sound dumb but idk I need your help guys. She is the just the most incredible person I have ever met and I really really like her but if she isn't gay or doesn't feel the same I don't want to lose her friendship as she has become such a huge part of my life. I genuinely have no experience with these kind of things as I went to quite a strict all girls school, so it's not as if there were any relationships around me as a teen and then I went to a very small uni (8 of us on my course). I guess another reason is that I've struggled with anxiety and depression for the past 10 years, as well as my weight and working on my self confidence, but I can say that right now I am the happiest and healthiest (both mentally and physically) I have ever been. I've only just really become comfortable with the fact that I'm gay and I have never really told anyone in real life, but I don't think people would be too surprised lol. I don't have any close friends as no one stuck around when I was really struggling with my MH a few years ago so I can't discuss this with anyone irl.

So I need your advice : how do I find out if she is gay? And no, I don't have the confidence to just ask!! What if she says no and I ruin everything? She has never mentioned anything about past relationships and I'm pretty tactless so not sure how I could naturally slip it into the convo. Like, "hey tell me have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you want one now?" Lol. And how can I make a move without really making a move so I don't ruin things??

tl;dr : Don't know whether my neighbour is gay and into me or is just really friendly. How can I make a move without ruining our friendship?

Edit: Ok guys, thank you so so much for all your support and encouragement. You've all given me a lot to think about. I think I'm going to casually slip some gay stuff into conversation and see how she reacts. Then bring up the neighbours comment like some of you suggested, seeing as tho the neighbour was heavily implying that we're gay. I'll do it tonight otherwise I'll talk myself out of it again. I will post an update to let you know what happens (eek). If you never hear from me again assume it went badly and I am consoling myself with cake and watching brokeback mountain in floods of tears.

Hi reddit, yes it's me the useless lesbian. First off I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and advice - and the undeserved awards! I never expected this many of you to take the time to comment and that so many of you were rooting for us.

So I had the plan to drop these gay hints into convo like you guys suggested but honestly it all went out the window. Elle was kinda stressed friday after a shitty work zoom and just needed to vent so it wasnt the right time to start anything. Though I guess I must have been a bit off thanks to spending all day overthinking things on here, as Elle turned up Saturday morning rambling about stressing me out and apologised (!!) for ruining dinner. Obvs I said "what are you talking about you can talk to me about anything", and she said "anything?" and I said "anything" back. And guys the tension was unreal, staring at each other and hoping our lesbian mind reading powers would kick in.

Then there was some loud noise like a car backfiring or something and the moment went. So I went to make coffee and then Elle asked me why I was a bit quiet the night before and I said something about overthinking stuff and she said "what stuff" and idk you guys I wasnt prepared to be put on the spot my casual gay pop culture references were useless in this moment. My mind just went completely blank and I forgot every single thing you guys suggested and my heart was pounding and I just blurted out you know I like you, right?.

...And then she kissed me. Kissed me. We straight up just snogged in the kitchen and it was fucking great. So...you were right. You were all fucking right. She's gay, she likes me and has been trying to drop hints for nearly 5 months. sigh

We were both just too scared to make a move or ruin anything. Turns out she's been burned by straight girls in the past, so she's pretty wary and was hoping I'd straight up say I'm a lesbian so she'd know for sure - maybe the I'm a lesbian wall hanging would've been a good idea after all? Her friends have been helping her drop hints, she showed me the group chat and guys their suggestions ranged from flirting more to just turning up in a trenchcoat and nothing else lol. Also, the winking neighbour has been making comments to her as well, so shout out to her for trying to make this happen too.

So no cake and cry watching brokeback mountain, just 5 months of dating to catch up on. As for worrying about how our current schedule could be more date like during lockdown, you were right it's kinda irrelevant when you've essentially been dating the whole time. Though we never made it to our morning run yesterday, in fact we didn't leave the house at all, ha.

Thank you guys for giving me hope, even if all your suggestions completely disappeared in the moment. Maybe I'll show her the post later and ask if any of the suggestions would have worked.

tl;dr: she's gay, into me and I'm an idiot”

End image ID]

#this is for sure already on tumble #but it's so cute #I had to #mine #r/relationships #tw// ed #edit: I'll add a transcript in a minute just gotta figure out how to make it accessible

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theworldsoul · 3 years

Text

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

#ughhh #parent your fucking kids #religious bullshit #adults dont fuck up the children you are in charge of challenge #religion don't fuck up trans kids challenge #good dick really breaks a motherfucker #vent

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horansqueen · 4 years

Text

You & Me : chapter 11

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.6k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: im excited for the next few chapters to come tbh. if you still read and comment and reblog and like after AM Conversations and this sequel, i want you to know it means a lot to me. i cant even explain. i wrote 11 chapters of this sequel in only a month. thats all because of you guys. thank you, i love you!!!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : i changed one of the requests only slightly (like the drunk thing) but i think its not that bad. spoilers if you read those requests btw!

Chapter 11 : His chapter

NIALL

Her eyes met mine and her lips parted as I let my arm fall on the side of my body, still holding my phone maybe a bit too tight. Did I enjoy the thought of Olivia and I back together? I couldn't pretend otherwise, of course I did. What I didn't like is some random crappy online journalist announcing it before anything even happened. She wanted to back away, I could read it in her eyes, and I knew I had to do something to keep her from pushing me away.

"You're having that flashback too, don't you?"

She chuckled without amusement and raised her eyebrows, glancing down before looking up in my eyes. I didn't want to ruin the mood by showing her that article but at the same time, i knew I had to, if only to prepare her for what was to come. When one article comes out, it sort of gives the green light to every other garbage web sites to say the same thing.

"You and me, getting out of the movies and seeing an article about us dating while I was with Harry and you were with Maya?" she asked before sighing. "Oh yea, fresh memory. Harry was so kind about it."

"Maya was not." I added, my hands in my pockets, making her lips curl. "She was pissed. We argued for over an hour that night."

Her face changed and her smile fell quickly.

"It's the night Harry broke up with me."

I felt something stir in my stomach and I held my breath. I remembered that, too, because I had rushed to her to comfort her. It was the night I touched her, the first time I heard and saw her get an orgasm, one that I gave her, and that thought made a shiver run across my back before I cleared my throat.

"Sorry for the bad memory."

I knew she wanted to say something, I knew her by heart, but when I noticed she wouldn't talk, It reminded me why Harry actually broke up with her. I only found out later, but Harry had mentioned that it was because he knew she was in love with me. Were we going around in circles?

"No it's okay." she just replied, bringing her arms around herself and shrugging. "It's not like Dylan was gonna break up with me for a stupid article."

We both knew that was not why Harry had broken up with her but I decided to keep quiet. This article would already make our friendship falter and there was no way I wanted to make it worse. My eyes roamed on her and I wondered if I just shouldn't tell her how I felt now. Spill it all, tell her I needed her, ask her to drop everything and choose me, and although it was tempting, I was scared it would just ruin everything. The problem was, she looked so beautiful and vulnerable at that exact moment, that I felt like I could be, too. I could be vulnerable in front of her.

"Of course not." I just replied right before her eyes met mine.

She sent me a small smile and nodded, walking past me as I followed her to the door. We entered and took our shoes off and when the door closed, I heard Louis' voice coming from the kitchen.

"Oi Oiii!" he yelled, making me roll my eyes. "My queen is that you? I bought sushi!"

I expected to see his face but it's actually Eleanor's head that poked from the kitchen. Her smile turned into a surprise expression before coming back even bigger

"Hey! Niall!"

She walked up to us and kissed my cheeks before doing the same to Liv. Her smile was contagious and she made a quick head movement.

"Do you guys want to join us for dinner?"

I glanced at Liv only to notice she was already looking at me with a small smile, making me smile too

"Mmhm, yea, sure, thanks guys."

We prepared the food and the wine and brought everything to the table before sitting down. I ended up sitting next to Olivia, in front of Louis and El and even I could have guessed it would, it didn't feel awkward at all to be with a couple.

"I just realized we never had a dinner like that before." Eleanor pointed, her face illuminating. "I mean, I know you two aren't together and... only a few weeks after you two got together, Louis and I.." she just said without finishing her sentence.

She turned to Louis and tilted her head, sending him a fond smile and I couldn't help but glance at Liv. She just grabbed her glass and took a sip before looking at the food in her plate and I frowned a bit, feeling her suddenly tense next to me.

"So Tommo, how's the album coming?" I just asked, trying to change the subject.

I saw Louis' face illuminate, chewing quickly and swallowing before shaking his head. I noticed my ex girlfriend smiling too and even if I didn't know why, I loved seeing her happy.

"Great! I'm taking my time, no rush, I just want to have fun and write something that reflects who I am." he explained as I nodded. "You know what I mean."

Yes, I fucking knew what he meant. My album felt like a mirror of the feelings I had back when I recorded it... and even now. That thought made me glance at Liv again until Eleanor talked.

"By the way, Louis finally made me listen to the song he wrote for you Liv and he mentioned you asked what I thought." she started, making Olivia look down suddenly. "I hope you know i'm totally okay with that. I know you went through a lot together and i'm all cool with that. It's a beautiful song, too."

I felt my heart jump in my throat as her words starting sinking in. Louis had written a song about her? Now I felt extremely curious to find out what it said but also fairly jealous.

"Thanks, I was a bit scared about that. It's a beautiful song I agree." Olivia chuckled low. "I can't believe he wrote that for me. I cried when he made me listen." she then admitted with a real laugh.

I watched their interaction while holding my breath. Witnessing the fact that my ex girlfriend, about whom I wrote an entire album, was touched by someone else writing one song about her was making something burn inside me. Of course, we had never discussed my album together but I couldn't believe she wouldn't acknowledge it at all, praising Louis for something I did at least 10 times, and more, if you count all the songs that didn't make it to the album that were also written about her.

I swallowed my pride and annoyance but a lump remained stuck and I cleared my throat, trying to get their attention. I was not going to mention that now, though. I didn't want to start drama or make everything awkward, but I took a mental note to ask Olivia about it, for sure. Did she not like the songs I wrote for her? Did it not touch her?

"What's the song about?" I asked, trying to be casual.

"Friendship, mate. Just friendship, and how we went through things together." Louis said, looking straight in my eyes. "Also, it pretty much says she's perfect the way she is and that I wished she'd see it the way I see it."

I nodded as if anyone needed my approval and Louis sent me an understanding smile. He knew exactly how I felt, I could read it in his eyes, and the fact that I was jealous of him was ridiculous but I couldn't help it. I didn't really know what they went through together but I knew it had been intense. They were both heartbroken and spent all their time together. No one else had been there and no one else could really know what had happened but If I had to, I'd guess on intense crying sessions and liters of alcohol.

"It was beautiful, I really didn't expect it." Liv added, making the lump in my throat even harder to swallow. "I'm super grateful."

"You're welcome, my queen."

I turned my head away and grimaced slightly, hating myself for letting this affect me. It really shouldn't. It was juvenile of me to take this against me because it literally had nothing to do with me.

The night went on and we talked about a lot of memories and plans we had for the future. It was amazing to find my friends back and have fun with them the way we used to. It had been a bit awkward with Louis in the past months, probably due to the fact that he and Liv became very close and he had tried to keep us at a fair distance from each other.

I thought about how my life had changed in only a few weeks and I liked it like that. I knew that I was missing on something before Olivia and I bumped into each other again but I don't think I really realized to which extent. I had lost many things when I broke up with her and now that it was all coming back, I never wanted to lose it again. It was an understatement to say that Olivia changed my whole life whenever she was in it and after being away from her for so long, it was even more obvious.

When I finally got out of my own thoughts, I tried to catch up with the discussion, not really sure what I had missed exactly but when I understood, I lost my smile as my heart literally dropped in my chest.

"So when are we going shopping for that dress?"

Olivia grimaced and my lips curled very slightly again. I always thought she made the cutest faces and this one was no exception.

"I need to lose weight before, can't look like that in my wedding dress."

My smile faltered as I was reminded of the fact that she was getting married and I frowned despite myself. Louis quickly jumped in and reached for her hand on the table.

"You're perfect the way you are." he just pointed out, looking straight in her eyes. "Right Neil?"

Everyone turned to me and I tried to stop a groan from coming out of my mouth. I should have said something before Louis did, this I knew, but I was focusing on the fact that the love of my life was getting married to someone who wasn't me and I guess it had made me a bit slow to react. Now that Louis had put everyone's attention on me, Liv would probably think I was pressured to say something nice which clearly wouldn't be true.

My eyes found hers and I licked my lips. I loved how she had changed, actually. She grew up and she was glowing. She was never a fan of her body but I was. I loved her curves, I loved her soft skin and the way she'd get goosebumps when i'd brush my fingertips on it, no matter where. I loved her hair and the way it fell in her eyes when she slept. I loved her thin lips and when a smile played on them. I loved her laughter and how her eyes became smaller and sparkled when she'd raise her nose up. I loved watching her naked, walking towards me, her hips moving slowly, making it obvious I was going to get some.

"You are. You're perfect, Olivia."

Her lips curled a bit and she nodded, pressing her lips together. Suddenly, I wanted to kiss her again. It was always on the back or my mind but looking at her like that and thinking about every feature of her body made me want it so bad that I had to hold my breath to make sure I wouldn't just move closer and crash my mouth against hers.

"Excuse me." I cleared my throat and quickly got up, leaving the table and rushing to the bathroom.

I groaned and closed my eyes, leaning against the counter, just tired to see my stupid mug in the mirror. Was this going anywhere anyway? And if it was not, would I be able to just be around her while she'd be married to an other man? When Louis asked me to tell her she was perfect the way she was, only a few words had came out of my mouth when a hundred wanted to. I couldn't express myself and I hated it. I couldn't tell her how much she meant to me and it was killing me. I gripped the counter harder and bent down, cursing under my breath to myself, until I heard a knock at the door. My heart raced but I just opened the door quickly only to see her standing here. I didn't know how long we stared at each other but the intense desire I had to kiss her was back at full force.

"Are you okay?" she asked in a soft and low tone.

I could hear worries in her voice and I sent her a small smile while nodding.

"Yea, i'm okay." I just said, swallowing hard. "You know, about you wanting to lose weight and shit..."

Her eyebrows raised but quickly, she frowned before I shook my head, trying to untangle the words bumping on the sides of my skull like the logo of a fucking dvd in the corner of a tv.

"You just, you look so good, you don't need to change anything." I stammered, cursing internally. "I love everything about you."

"Everything?" she repeated, licking her lips. "I mean, you haven't seen me naked in a while."

The sight of her getting undressed in my guest room invaded my mind and I swallowed hard, trying to push the thought away. I couldn't tell her that indeed, I had, and that she turned me on even more than she did a year ago. I couldn't also deny it because I had promised myself i'd never lie to her again.

"Everything, Olivia."

She started nibbling her bottom lip and the craving of feeling her mouth on mine intensified. I didn't even know it was possible. She leaned against the door frame and I took a step closer to her, bending down as she looked up.

"You're literally the most gorgeous girl i've ever seen." I whispered, moving even closer, hoping she wouldn't move.

Her eyes got bigger in surprise and I just blinked a few times. I had seen a lot of sexy girls in my life, it was true. Girls with perfect bodies and incredible faces, but none of these girls could make me feel the way she made me feel. None of these girls could turn me on the way she did. One time, she told me that no one else was me and that was exactly how I felt, too. No one was her. I wanted no one else.

I bent down more and she raised her chin up, making my heart jump in my chest. With that gesture, I knew she wanted it too. She wanted me to kiss her and I was almost sure she wouldn't push me away, at least not before I could have a little taste of her, and I was ready to risk it. I tried not to talk, scared to ruin the moment or make her back away. I could feel her lips brushing against mine. I could swallow her breath and it started making me feel a bit dizzy for a reason I ignored, but just as I was about to press my slightly open mouth against hers, she pushed me away and got on her knees right in front of the toilet to throw up.

It took me a second to react but I got on my knees too, remaining close to her and I finally grabbed her hair, holding it away from her face as she threw up again. My free hand reached for her back and I rubbed it gently, feeling disappointed that we didn't kiss and guilty for being disappointed in a moment like this.

"You're okay, i'm here." I whispered as I watched her fingers grip the side of the toilet harder while she threw up for a third time.

After about a minute, Louis appeared through the door and I turned around just in time to see his face change. He seemed in panic mode and licked his lips quickly.

"I'll get a towel."

He was back a few seconds later and turned the water on, soaking the towel and handing it to me. I moved her hair away again and started brushing the cold towel on her cheek as she groaned, her eyes still closed.

"I can do it." Louis said, making me shake my head quickly.

"No, I got this, thanks."

He waited a few seconds but finally left and without thinking, I pushed the door, almost closing it. Olivia groaned again and when I noticed she was trying to get up, I helped her slowly. She leaned one of her hands on the counter for balance as I moved the towel on her face and she opened her eyes, meeting mine.

"I'm so sorry for this." she mumbled, grimacing and making me smile. "Sorry for the bad breath, too."

"Your breath doesn't bother me, you should know that by now." I pointed out in a gentle tone, smiling more.

"This is different, it smells like vomit."

"Your vomit doesn't bother me." I argued again.

"it bothers me though."

I moved closer to her just to flush the toilet and she sighed, swallowing hard and grimacing again. I brought my hand to her back again, my whole palm pressed against it as I rubbed it gently.

"Feeling better?"

She raised her nose up and groaned with a shrug.

"You should get a rest." I pointed out as she shook her head.

"I need to take my make up off first." she explained with a sigh, closing her eyes.

She looked exhausted and I tilted my head until she opened her eyes again.

"I can do it for you." I proposed in a low tone, opening one of the drawers and grabbing the bottle I was used to see her buy. "This, yea?"

She blinked a few times and nodded before pointing me something else. I grabbed it too and poured some of the cleanser on a cotton pad slowly. When I looked up, she was staring at me with a fond smile that I sent back.

"Okay, close your eyes." I asked low again before rubbing gently the pad on both her eyes, watching it get colored quickly. "Don't move."

My lips parted a bit as I used an other pad, running in on her face and going even slower when I reached her lips. I stopped just looking at her for a few seconds and finally cleared my throat again.

"Okay, you can open your eyes." I just said, watching her eyes flutter open. A smile appeared on my lips and I chuckled low. "This is harder than it looks. You've got some black left under your eyes."

She smiled more and tilted her chin up before I brushed the pad under one of her eyes. I watched her eyelid flutter a bit as she tried to keep her eye open and did the same with the other eye. The silence in the room was not heavy. It was actually comforting in a way I couldn't explain. I felt like I was locked alone with her on an island. I felt like nothing could tear us apart. I threw away the pads and when I looked back at her, I noticed her eyes were still on me.

"Thank you." she whispered, making me smile again.

I grabbed the towel and turned it around to run the cold and wet fabric on her face, making sure it was not on the same side I had used after she threw up and when I was done, I sighed with a grin.

"Okay, let's get you in bed now."

She groaned again, her nose raising in a grimace, and it made me chuckle. "Don't be a baby!"

I turned around and bent down slightly, waiting for her to get on my back but after a few seconds, I chuckled again.

"Come on, petal."

"I just... Niall, I did gain a little weight I don't think you can-"

"Shut up and get on my back."

It took a few seconds but she did what I asked and I grabbed her behind her knees as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I opened the door more with one of my feet and brought her to her room without even asking which one it was. I put her as gently as I could on the mattress and she chuckled tiredly as I turned around to look at her.

"Do you want me to help you get undressed the way you did for me?" I asked, a smirk playing on my lips and making her laugh even more.

"No thank you, I'm good." she joked. "I'm sick, not drunk."

I stared at her for a few seconds and she did the same. Now would be a horrible time to kiss her but the will I had to do it was still extremely fierce. I bent down and kissed her forehead quickly instead before taking a step back and sliding both my hands in my pockets.

"I'll see if Louis and El need help okay? You rest."

She nodded and turned around to leave but I stopped when she almost yelled my name and when I turned around, I noticed she was sitting. I waited for about a minute, just looking in her eyes and focusing on the beatings of my heart, but she ended up just licking her lips.

"When are you... when am I gonna see you again?"

The question took me by surprise and I raised my eyebrows, bringing one of my hands behind my head to scratch it lightly.

"Uhm, do you want to go somewhere tomorrow night? A pub or a club or something? We could ask our friends-"

"Yes, let's do that." she replied fast, making me smile and nod.

I let out all the air I had kept in my lungs come out as soon as I closed the door behind me and tried to get back to my senses as I walked to the kitchen. Louis and El were having an other glass of wine and I sent them a smile, leaning against the wall. They noticed me and pulled away slightly, making me smile more. There was always something magnetic between them, perhaps something similar to what Liv and I had, maybe still have.

"She's in bed, I think she'll be okay." I told them as Louis nodded. "I think It's time for me to go back home."

I searched through my pants to grab my keys and closed my eyes with a groan suddenly.

"No fucking way." I grumbled, looking at my key chain and sighing. "Not again."

Louis got closer and I glanced at him before shaking my head.

"I lost my key. Again. I don't know how I fucking do that."

"You can sleep here, the guest room is free, sheets are clean." Louis proposed with a shrug. "Room's yours, mate."

I pressed my lips together as I stared at him. The only other solution I could find was to ask Heidi for her key but just thinking about calling her and explaining where I was seemed like too much trouble. After that, she'd probably ask me to sleep at her place or follow me to mine, which was also not something I was in the mood for.

"Okay, thanks, I appreciate."

It took us all about half an hour to get ready and go to bed but when the whole house was quiet and in the dark, I just lied down in bed with my hands under my head, watching the ceiling and trying to remember all the events of the day. Were we really that close to kiss? Was I that close to feel her lips on mine again and maybe more? I closed my eyes tight at that thought and without thinking, I threw my covers away and got out of the room, quietly walking up to hers. I didn't dare to knock but just walked inside until I was close enough to whisper her name.

"Liv, hey."

She groaned and turned around on her back. I was used to the darkness now and saw her blink a few times, her eyes meeting mine before she frowned.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"Late." I replied, licking my lips. "Can I sleep with you?"

She sat up and my eyes fell on her chest, noticing she was wearing a familiar shirt. She rubbed her eyes and whimpered low, letting out a yawn that made my lips curl.

"Why are you still here?"

"Lost my key, Louis said I could spend the night." I explained quickly. "Can I sleep in your bed."

She seemed to hesitate but after a while, she just nodded and moved away to give me space. I slithered under the sheets and she turned my way, staring at me for a few seconds. She seemed totally awake now and I just smiled at her, thanking her.

"I recognize the shirt." I pointed out, not really sure if I should really mention it. "I was looking everywhere for it you know."

"Lies." she replied quickly. "I've had it only for a few days."

"You mean you stole it after I let you borrow it because you forgot to bring one."

"I wouldn't say 'steal'." she argued with a shrug.

"What would you say then?"

Silence. I let out a laugh and she grimaced.

"Shut up and sleep."

I laughed again and she turned around, sliding one of her arms under her pillow as her back now faced me. I stared at it for a few seconds and finally inhaled deeply before moving closer to her, wrapping one of my arms around her and reaching for her hand under the pillow with my other one. She whimpered so low that I was not sure I heard right but slowly, she let her fingertips brush against the arm around her and I smiled more.

"Liv?" I asked in a whisper, making her whimper again. "Do you think you were sick because.. of.. I mean, are you getting married because.."

I couldn't seem to finish my sentence but I was not sure if it was because It was a stupid question or because I was scared of the answer. It took her a few seconds but she finally started laughing.

"I'm not pregnant, Nial!l" she chuckled. "Just, never let Louis choose the sushis ever again. Now sleep."

I smiled and placed my head on the pillow before closing my eyes. Feeling her warm body against mine made me feel suddenly better but when she moved back slightly, I realized her legs were bare, just like mine. Her thighs pressed against mine and once again, I realized how perfectly her body fitted with mine. She started snoring lightly and I grabbed her fingers again, squeezing them lightly but decided to leave my body pressed against hers. I moved my head closer, my lips almost touching her nape, her hair tickling my nose, and swallowed hard. I knew she couldn't hear me but I licked my lips anyway before whispering.

"You're perfect."

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan smut #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan writing #niall horan story #my fanfics #yam #cant believe i made a whole chapter about only 1 evening lol

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mypoisonedvine · 4 years

Text

Helping Hand - Chapter 1

Jaskier x (female)Reader

Rating: E

Warnings: None, just a lot of smut and hopefully some fluff and angst to come

Word Count: a bit over 3k

Prompt: “Hey hey! I basically just read every piece of Jaskier stuff on your page and I'm in looooove. Could you write one where the reader (female) has been cursed with a love spell? Kinda? Like every touch is ultry heightened but she cant "take care of business" unless it's from the person she loves? So she has to embarrassingly ask/confess to Jaskier (and maybe Geralt if you want) for a helping hand?” (thanks for not only the prompt but the title idea lol)

Taglist: @100percentamess @mytinybaguette

Of course, you assumed the old hag was just senile, at first. When someone pisses someone else off, it’s somewhat normal to curse them, it’s just that it’s not really literal. So why would you take it seriously when some woman claiming to be a bog witch says that she’ll put a curse on you for trespassing on her swamp?

You didn’t even really pay attention to what she’d said- something about your true affections coming to light? And she had rhymed light with plight? But you forgot what the plight even was, because it didn’t matter.

Your first sign that something was wrong was when you rejoined Geralt and Jaskier at the edge of the bog. They’d asked how your search went, all was normal, but then Jaskier touched you. It was casual, something you never would’ve even thought about previously, but this time it felt oddly strong. Like he was gripping you with so much force, like he had punched you in the shoulder. Except it wasn’t painful? Just powerful. You still yelped in surprise.

“Damn, it was just a bug on your shoulder, no need to have a fit,” Jaskier mumbled.

“Why did you touch me so… hard?”

“I barely touched you…? Are you injured?” he asked. He started to reach out to examine you but you ducked away.

"I'm fine," you grumbled.

You weren't fine, and it became clear to you very quickly. As soon as you'd all begun to travel back into town, the heat started. It was cold out, and yet you felt like you were burning up. You didn't say anything because you didn't want to cause alarm over hot flashes. But then you felt that undeniable need, usually not the sort of thing to strike you in the afternoon as you walked alongside Roach, burning through you. You looked over to Jaskier and though he looked the same as always, you felt like you were seeing him with new eyes. As you gaze scanned each part of him, an urge to reach out and touch whatever you could reach began to knock against your brain. It’s not like you’d never noticed he was attractive before, but now it was like you couldn’t see anything else; you forced yourself to look away before you couldn’t stop yourself from pouncing on him.

The second you were back in town, you were in the pub and drinking like it was the end of the world. This was the sort of strange feeling that you felt like only alcohol could wash down. Of course, it turns out you were entirely wrong- being drunk just made it impossible to resist the ridiculous whims running through your mind.

“Say, would you pass me that-” Jaskier began. He hadn’t even finished when you jumped up and reached for the nearby mug of ale, handing it to him eagerly. “Erm, thanks,” he nodded. Even as you felt embarrassed upon realizing that your reaction was rather strange, you felt relief wash over you for some reason. To know that you had done what he wanted, perhaps to have even made him happy in some small way, was deeply satisfying.

“Are you feeling alright?” Geralt asked with a mildly concerned expression. Knowing that this was only going to get worse, you decided to take the opportunity to leave while you still could.

“This ale hits harder than I’d anticipated. I’ll turn in early, I think,” you decided as you stood up, giving a quick bow before you dashed upstairs to your room.

You fell onto your bed, and though your mind was requesting for some time to think about whatever the hell was going on, your body was alight with a very clear and unified need. You were barely laying down before you were shimmying your trousers down and touching yourself. It was good, but instantly you were longing for something more, and though you didn’t mean to think of him, Jaskier (of course) popped into your mind. Thinking of Jaskier brought you so much closer but never close enough. You were desperate enough to rub yourself raw seeking release, but you knew that it would never work. You certainly tried several times anyways, but soon you were looking to the door, then you looked away, then you looked back to the door, and repeated this until your desperation overcame your guilt and you found yourself stumbling down the hall to Jaskier’s room.

"Jask…?" you prompted as you pushed open the door. You found him laying back on his bed, setting a book aside to greet you.

"What is it?" he asked cheerily. You closed the door behind you.

"Do you remember a few months ago… we were at that pub in Cintra-" you began.

"I remember," he interrupted, almost sounding stern about it.

Talking about it made your stomach feel all floaty and twisty. You'd agreed it was a mistake, fueled by drunkenness and loneliness- him just having been dumped by the Countess again and you having developed affections for a man you'd encountered on the journey only to discover he had failed to mention he was married. (For you, marriage was actually a deal-breaker, much to Jaskier's surprise.) We both really wanted someone else, you'd told him, and settled on each other. He'd thought that was a good summary, you shook hands on it and thankfully were able to move on as friends. And that's what you'd wanted, wasn't it?

"I'm sorry to bring it up," you nervously apologized.

"It's not like I'd forgotten about it," he chuckled.

"I'm sort of- I have a… situation," you began.

"The same sort of situation that had you falling into my bed?" he presumed. You felt your face get hot from hearing that. He seemed a little agitated, which made you very concerned that this was going to backfire on you. But, you were in too deep to stop now.

"I suppose," you answered.

"There's plenty of fish in the sea," he shrugged.

"I want you, specifically," you clarified. "I need you. It has to be you."

“So, I’ve ruined you for all other men?” he smirked.

“I can’t… by myself,” you gestured, hoping he would get what you meant.

"I’ve ruined you even for yourself?”

"I think I was cursed!" you finally blurted out.

"Falling in love with me can feel like a curse, I know, but don't blame yourself," he soothed sarcastically, resting his hands behind his head.

"That day I went into the bog, you touched me- and ever since, everything's been wrong, and you're the only person who can… I can't even think about anyone else," you continued. He seemed to actually start paying attention. "I have this strange urge to do what you tell me to, it feels so, erm, good. It feels good to do what you ask of me."

He straightened up a bit, his smile dropping. "Okay, that doesn't sound anything like you. You've definitely been cursed."

"And I have this… desire. It's overwhelming. I can't even think straight."

“You- you should have Geralt take care of you. He’s got a lot of stamina, and no pesky feelings to get in the way,” he dismissed, looking away from you as he got up off the bed.

If you weren’t so high on desperation, you would’ve noticed the implications of his phrasing, but of course you were, so you didn’t.

“I want you,” you begged, “please.”

“You wouldn’t be saying that if you weren’t cursed,” he scoffed. You stepped closer and in such a small room he was already so close and your body felt like a tuning fork, vibrating and humming for him.

“Of course not. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true,” you countered, your breathing suddenly heavy.

He looked at you and he almost looked pained… sad, guilty maybe. Since when did a woman begging for him inspire anything but unadulterated joy in any man, let alone a man like Jaskier?

“Please,” you whimpered one more time. He stepped forward and reached out, tentatively at first, and brushed his fingers against your chest. You had to bite your lip to suppress a moan.

“Wow, you’re really worked up, huh?” he asked, somewhere between genuine concern and teasing. You nodded feverishly.

“How can I help you?” he asked softly.

“Make love to me,” you pleaded.

He made a peculiar noise when you said that, like a gasp and a sigh at once, even though they’re technically opposites.

He leaned in and you nearly sobbed at just the idea of him kissing you. Instead he pressed his lips against your neck, even the slightest touch causing your hips to buck towards him. He reached around and started to undo the lacing on the back of your bodice- even through the layers of your blouse you felt the warmth of his fingertips, and the delicate movements of his hands sent shivering tingles up and down your back. He’d only been touching you for maybe twenty seconds and you felt like you were two-thirds to orgasm- everything was more sensitive, more powerful. You weren’t sure how you would keep your composure.

“This ale hit you really hard, hm?”

“It’s not the ale,” you panted.

“That’s not what you’ll say tomorrow morning,” he theorized.

“What will I say- ah- tomorrow morning?” you asked, trying to stop every moan and whimper from arising. He’d gotten your top off just enough to expose your shoulders and was kissing along the left one like it was actually worth kissing even though it was just a damn shoulder. An hour ago you’d have killed for him to kiss you like this anywhere, but now that you were here, suddenly you had much more specific ideas.

“I won’t be able to tell what you’re saying because you’ll be smashing my lute over my head,” he chuckled.

You’d sort of forgotten what question you were asking.

“You really think I dislike you that much?” you asked quietly. He didn’t answer, pulling your blouse up over your head and letting it fall to the floor. You expected it to be cold but you suddenly felt warmer than ever, like you were wrapped in warm blankets. Even better than warm blankets, though, you were wrapped in Jaskier’s arms, which felt so much stronger than you remembered as he pulled you close and guided you to his bed.

You expected him to lay with you but instead he laid you down and stepped back. You felt very aware of your toplessness, and that he was fully dressed and staring at you.

“Aren’t you going to undress?” you asked nervously.

“Or I could just stare at you all night,” he offered, crossing his arms.

“No, please, touch me,” you whined, your back arching.

“I was just kidding, don’t stress yourself out,” he laughed, slipping off his doublet and chemise and climbing on top of you. His body pressed against yours was everything you’d dreamed, everything you’d wanted, and finally he kissed you. You recognized it a bit from the back of the pub rendezvous but this one was different, a little slower, a little deeper. You decided that you needed to kiss him again when you were sober because this kiss was too good to be wasted on a version of yourself that couldn’t remember it perfectly, which sadly applied to both instances so far. Suddenly he rolled his hips, ever so slightly, and you felt that he was hard and it rubbed against you in just the right place and instantly you came, even with your trousers still on. You did your best to hide it, your moans lost in his lips, and either he didn’t notice or didn’t mind because all he did was pull you closer. Your face felt hot, in fact all of you felt hot, and even as relief had just washed over you, you were not spared from your desire. If anything, the edge had been taken off, and yet you felt like you needed him more than ever.

“Please, inside me, please,” you managed to mumble between kisses. He didn’t respond, but he did reach down to start pulling your trousers lower. You lifted your hips so he could do it more easily and you sort of hoped he would just get them down to your knees and get on with it, but instead he took the time to take them all the way off, sitting back on his legs to peel each leg off your feet. You sat up with him, starting to work on his trousers and having to fight yourself to do it slowly rather than ripping them off. Once you could pull them down enough to get his cock out, though, you were nixing the entire trousers concept and wrapping your hand around it. You sighed with relief, just to feel it so warm and heavy in your grip. Compelled for more, you found yourself leaning forward and taking it into your mouth. You heard him gasp and it was the most wonderful noise, the sound of it giving you that wonderful feeling like you’d done something good, something so right. You bobbed up and down and it seemed to come naturally to you, his gasps getting faster and turning to moans.

“I thought I was supposed to be taking care of you,” he panted. You just moaned around him, doing your best to take him as deep as you could. His fingers wove into your hair, and just the way they grazed your scalp made your skin tingle and shiver all over. He didn’t let you go on much longer until he grabbed your shoulders and (lightly) pushed you back onto the bed, balancing on his forearms to hover above you. You thought he might say something, and he was looking at you like he wanted to say something, but he just kissed you again. How could just a kiss have so much of an effect on you?

But then he was running his hands along your legs, and gently spreading them open, and that had even more of an effect on you. In fact, you had to put in so much effort just to suppress your reaction, and yet your head still fell back against the pillow and your lips still leaked out a little moan.

“Is this the curse? Or the ale?” he asked quietly, his lips brushing against your jaw.

“It’s just you,” you mumbled.

“Bull. It’s the curse,” he smiled, “but I’ll pretend it’s me anyways.”

“Please, don’t tease me any longer,” you pleaded quietly, your back arching off the bed.

“This isn’t teasing, it’s seducing,” he frowned.

“I don’t care for it.”

“You seem to be having a good time,” he smirked, kisses running down to your collarbones, chest, and finally delicately wrapping around a hardened nipple. You whined, suddenly unable to form any words with which to respond. His right hand trailed around your thigh, reaching closer to where you needed him most until he ever-so-casually plunged two fingers into you. You had to dig your nails into his shoulder to resist crying out, afraid that if you were as loud as you wanted to be, you’d get a noise complaint from the neighboring rooms. He barely even had to move them to hit spots inside you that you hadn’t realized you had, making your hips buck and your legs shake.

“Please,” you stuttered, “I need you.”

“You have me,” he said as if it were some simple, obvious thing to say and not the sort of thing that would make you want for him so desperately that you feared fainting.

And all at once he removed his fingers, reaching to wrap his hands around your waist and since when were his hands so big?

And all at once he was pushing his hips closer to yours and your gaze met his and since when were his eyes so blue?

And all at once he was inside you and you didn’t really care about noise complaints anymore.

“Jaskier? Are you awake?” you whispered.

“I am now,” he responded quietly, turning to face you in the bed. There was only moonlight streaming in through the window but it cast the most beautiful shadows and you found yourself running your fingers along his muscled chest.

"I long for you," you admitted, "I need you."

"Again?"

Gods, did he have to make it seem like such a chore?

“Don’t you understand? I have no other way to get off!”

“Well, how often were you getting off before?”

“I don’t know, maybe… once, twice a night?”

His eyes went wider than you’d maybe ever seen them. “Holy- you can’t be serious.”

“What?” you shrugged.

“You’re insatiable! I mean, with a libido like that, how and why are you the most chaste of the three of us?”

“Because I’m getting off on my own three times a night.”

“You said once or twice,” he frowned.

“Yeah, but I wasn’t sure how you’d react if I told you I go four times in a row,” you smirked.

“I’m afraid to keep talking to you in case the number just keeps going up,” he sighed, his head falling into his hands. “I can’t keep up with that!”

“You can!” you encouraged. “You have,” you mumbled.

“I have?” he repeated, perking up all of a sudden.

“Yeah, well, before…” you trailed off. “You’re just trying to flatter me until I agree to make love to you four times a day,” he dismissed.

“No, that’s what I’m saying. You don’t need to, er, do that four times to get four… just once is apparently enough.” How was it so hard to say the words when you’d already done the deeds? “Apparently? I think we need to test that theory,” he smiled, and though it was dark and you could barely see anything, you still saw a little glimmer shining in his eye.

“Jaskier, we need to get up,” you reminded as you shook him awake.

“Are we leaving town, or do you just want me to make love to you again?” “You weren’t complaining when I woke you up the last two times,” you remembered with a quirked eyebrow.

“Well, I wasn’t as underslept then. Gods, I feel like I could sleep for a week.” He turned to you, and moved a lock of hair behind your ear. “Aren’t you exhausted?”

But he was giving you this... look, and you weren’t sure if it was the look, but apparently it was enough to get you inspired. You pulled him into a kiss, climbing on top of him and straddling his legs with yours.

“Suddenly I’m feeling very energized, actually,” you smiled.

(next chapter)

#jaskier x reader #my writing #jaskier x oc #jaskier smut

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thequeenb · 4 years

Text

A Deal With The Devil (part 3)

Pairings: KamilahxMC

Since i started working for Kamilah my routine changed completely. The night turned into day since she made it clear that i have to work after the sun goes down. Lily worries about me and honestly so do i but i am more than determinated to wipe that smirk off Kamilah's face.

I am putting the last touches to my make up before i leave for work. I sigh noticing the dark circles around my eyes. Once again my nightmares kept me awake, each time they become worse. Weirdly enough i have trouble sleeping more often than i did since i started working, but thats probably because i drink an enormous amount of coffee to stay focused

Lily as usual is sitting on our couch playing video games cursing her teammates. I grab my coffee as she shoots a thumbs up at me smiling mouthing 'kick ass'. I roll my eyes as shut the door behind me

As always i am ten minutes earlier something that everyone seems impressed of. I wave at the woman on the front desk. Her name is Linda and we grew quite fond of eachother. She was the one who got me out of trouble on my first days, especially with the printer incident

When i arrive in my desk Kamilah made sure to leave a pile of documents on it, i can only imagine her amused smile. Without another word i get into work desperately, trying to prove to her that i am more than worthy and i belong here.

"Miss Parker" a voice brings me back to reality, i was so consumed by numbers that i didn't even notice Kamilah standing Infront of my desk

"Hello to you too" i say rolling my eyes, i hoped she would take the hint and leave me with my work but she always loves to distract me, a very good strategy indeed

She has a faint smile on her lips as she gestures towards her office "May i have a word with you?"

As soon as these words leave her mouth my thoughts start racing. I did everything right didn't i? I always make sure to double check everything i do to avoid making any mistake that would cost my position.

Back home when my father said 'may i have a word with you' it was always getting me in trouble. I swallow hard walking towards her office wondering what's so important

She always avoids to have direct contact with me, if she has anything to say she sends her secretary to inform me. She is in her office working non stop most of the hours that i am here, and if we cross paths she will give me glances i can hardly read.

Other days she is more social and decides to come out of her office more often. I notice that she tries to find excuses to make small talk and she always finds a way to get information out of me about things that aren't related to work.

Kamilah is a woman that is almost impossible to read. One day she welcomes my company and the other i feel unwanted by her. Working with her has been an emotional rollercoaster ride that I don't know how much more i can take.

She always makes sure to make my work challenging that it drains all the energy out of me. I work for her for a month now and i still cant tell if she is satisfied with me or not. Linda said that since i came into this company Kamilah is more cheerful and different. How can she even tell when she is happy? That woman has literally one facial expression, stone cold serious.

I sit in a leather chair across of her desk while she pours herself a glass of whiskey. I bite my tongue and i swallow the urge to tell her that its inappropriate to drink during work hours because maybe this is my last day working for her

"Look if this is about the printer--" i start talking apologetically, my mind racing with all the possibilities of why she has to talk with me privately in her office

She waves a hand and i stop talking as i dare to look at her beautiful brown eyes

"That's not why i wanted to talk to you" she drinks her glass in one sip and she gives me a look that i can hardly explain

"What's your opinions about parties Miss Parker?"

I can't hold back my laugh but i cover my mouth immediately when i notice Kamilah's seriousness

"Oh you are serious, my god i thought you would fire me!" I say half excited half relieved

"Do i look like the kind of person that would joke?"

I give her a serious look trying to figure out what she is trying to say, because everything is either business or games with Kamilah

"Parties aren't exactly my cup of tea, Maybe because i am to focused on my work if thats what you want to hear"

I can see her smiling even if the glass is covering her lips. I study her face better now that i have the chance to do so. I always see glimpses of her but now i can see how her hair falls on her shoulders, how her eyes shine beautifully when she is amused

I brush those thoughts away focusing on Kamilah who is thoughtful looking directly at me with those intense eyes of hers

"Priya Lacroix invited me to a party that she is holding in her mansion tomorrow and i think you should accompany me"

"Is this your way of asking me on a date Miss Sayeed?" I say teasingly but i instantly regret my words

"I assure you thats not my intention Miss Parker, its work related"

"Don't you have a secretary? Or even better an entire company? Why do you choose me?" I challenge her and i can see a hint of amusement in her eyes

"I just find you suitable, but if you insist i can find another person to--"

"No! I mean yes! I will come with you" i say before she can even finish her sentence

Thats exactly what she wanted to achieve and i know that because she is giving me the same smile she gives me when she is enjoying torturing me

"I will email you the details" she says getting her attention back to her laptop and thats my cue to leave.

"Its a date then" i say as i close the door behind me smiling victoriously.

___

The next day pass by like a blur and before i even know it i am getting ready for the party Kamilah wants me to accompany her to. Lily is smiling holding an expensive looking dress on her hands

"Where did you find that?" i gasp as i notice the tag that it has on it saying "its a Lacroix Original. I thought it would be appropriate for tonight, Kamilah"

Lily is smiling giving me this knowing look of 'give me the deets right now or i will explode'

"Girl since when bosses send dresses that cost more than this apartment complex to their employees?"

I roll my eyes as i take the dress in my hands. The fabric is unlike anything i ever wore in my life. The diamonds shine bright as i careful how i hold it, afraid i will ruin it

"She doesn't trust me that's all, she thinks i will go in an important event looking like a potato"

"Hey what's wrong with looking like a delicious potato?" She says laughing but my death stare is enough to make her stop

"I am sure that's not it, she just wants you to look sexy for her to eat you with her eyes"

I pause thinking of Kamilah eyeing me from head to toe surprised. I smirk at the idea as i try the dress immediately

"Oh wow" Lily gasps as i look myself in the mirror

The dress hugs perfectly my curves as I smile satisfied at the sight. Its silver and shiny like glitter. The diamonds are like little bright stars making this outfit outstanding

"I might need to drop everything and start my model career" i say flipping my hair while Lily cheers

"This is hardly work related, Miss Sayeed has other plans" she says winking and i am annoyed that i even for a second thought about it

___

After a long ride the car Kamilah insisted for me to take came to a stop Infront of a giant mansion. My mouth open without my permission as i watch the flashes of the cameras and the celebrities walking in.

A part of me feels like I don't belong here at all but then i look down at my dress and feel secured. I take a deep breath before i get out of the car. Hundreds of cameras clicked at once covering the night sky. I put my hand out covering my eyes from the flashes when i feel a strong hand on my shoulder

Kamilah is next to me tall and elegant with her beautiful red dress. She gives me a side look as we walk towards the entrance avoiding any reporter that yelled pointless questions.

I can feel her eyes scanning my body as i notice the desire in her eyes. She is great at masking her feelings but tonight feels different.

"I see you followed my advice and wore the dress i sent you" she says and i am kind of disappointed thats all she had to say

"Yes thank you, its beautiful indeed" i grab a champagne glass from a waiter nearby and i can see the judgemental look Kamilah is giving me

"What? You brought me to a party didn't you?"

"A work related one, i need you sober and focused, Priya isn't--"

But before she could finish a woman appeared out of nowhere almost scaring me. I feel two cold hands on my bare shoulders and when i turn to see who it is i almost gasp

Priya Lacroix. One of the most beautiful women on earth, is standing before me. She isn't ashamed to show how much she enjoys the view something that sent shivers down my spine

"My, my what do we have here? I see you wear one of my dresses" she says still running her fingers down my hand

Kamilah doesn't look happy about that and i am sure she doesn't when she speaks up

"Lacroix. Can you be less touchy with my date?"

I almost choke on my champagne hearing the word date coming out of her mouth without a warning. But Priya doesn't seem to care at all and she focus her gaze on me

"Is this your new pet? She looks delicious" i don't know if i feel offended by the word 'pet' or turned on by the fact that she finds me delicious

"Thank you, it means a lot coming from you" i say smiling at her as Kamilah rolls her eyes

"Now if you excuse us" she put a hand on the small part of my back pushing me away from Priya

"Why are we leaving? I was quite enjoying being appreciated" i say grabbing another glass of alcohol, at this point i dont care what it is, i just want to enjoy the party

"You should be thanking me" she says grabbing a glass of champagne for herself

"Since when i became your date anyways? I thought this was work related"

It takes a moment for her to answer me and i smile to myself finding finally ways to get under her skin as she does with me

"Don't get to flattered, i was trying to make sure she won't be all over you tonight, now then i go do my job now" and like that she disappears into the crowd socializing with every potential client

Knowing her she will take ages to come back so i approach the bar asking for the strongest drink the bartender can make. This night is long already and it haven't even started yet. Before i could grab my drink another delicate manicured hand took it and of course its Priya

Her smile is predatory as she takes a sip of my drink handing it back to me

"I see your date left you all alone" her tone isn't apologetic but teasing just like Kamilah's

"You know her, she is all about business and work" i roll my eyes making my annoyance clear

"Well don't worry darling, that's why i am here" at that she leans closer whispering in my ear for me to follow her.

At this point i drank enough to ignore every warning Kamilah gave me and i follow her to the dancefloor where she swings her body to the rhythm. Around us people are grinding waving their hands freely in the air. The whole atmosphere is intoxicating enough and i follow Priya dancing against her

Kamilah isn't giving me attention tonight so the thought of her slips off my mind as i feel Priya's hands on my hips bringing me closer. She is the exact opposite of Kamilah. She isn't afraid to show her desire nor she ignores me, she looks at me like i am the only one dancing among hundreds of people. Kamilah is complicated and hard to read, her games are fun yet tiring

Why am i thinking of her? Why do i crave her attention that much? But before i can overthink about anything i feel my back against the wall, Priya eyeing me hungrily. For a moment i felt aroused but then i notice two pointy teeth escaping her lip

I almost laugh at the thought trying to convince myself that i see things after the alcohol i consumed but then Priya smiled and her eyes turned red

"Now let the fun begin" she said opening her mouth hissing.

Tag list: @justastranger-passing @scarlet-letter-a0114 @amorettemcsky @sayeedbound @wildsayeed @trouble-with-the-curve @littlemissgreen97 @nopenos-stuff @nydeiri @ilovetaylorswiftforever7-deacti @justahumblepie @mrskamilxh @blackphenix9527 @la-guera-69 @mrskamilxh @gavryllo

#kamilah x mc #kamilah sayeed #bloodbound #choices fanfiction #bb fanfic #bb fic #choices bb #bb #bb kamilah #kamilah is my queen #choices kamilah #choices stories you play #play choices #choices you play

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illfoandillfie · 4 years

Text

Ch-Ch-Changes

Horror Movie (Right There On My TV)

Request: hi there! i feel weird requesting a sequel to this one since it’s so recent, but i loved it so much and i love your celebration so: do you think you could do more in the Horror Movie (Right There On My TV) universe? maybe a sequel where they’re all settling into the more serious/newer aspects of the relationship, or ben and reader missing joe when he has to go back… or literally anything lol it was so perfect and i’m so starved for bxrxj content and the way you wrote them was so perfect!!

Pairing: Ben Hardy x F!Reader x Joe Mazzello

Warnings: Angst city my dudes, implied sex, one mention of daddy kink but nothing explicit, it’s really just new relationship woes and adjustments.

Words: 7851

A/N: Written for my 1000 Follower Celebration . I was so so glad to get a request for more bxrxj because I just adored writing them but I wasn’t sure what to do with them next. Halfway through plotting out this one I came up with a concept for a third part as well so, keep an eye out for that lmao

Taglist: @laedymoon @dtfrogertaylor @ezmina98 @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor @hannafuckingsucks @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @queenmylovely

@mrbenhardys @sitonmyhot-seatoflove

It was quiet when you woke, the morning air crisp and still though you felt overly warm from where you lay between the two boys. Your boys. The previous night’s confession came back to you along with the sore muscles and satisfaction left over from the reward you’d earned. Carefully, so as not to wake either of them, you disentangled yourself and scooted out of bed. It was while you were in the kitchen making coffee that Ben emerged, hair mussed and eyes still scrunched up against the morning light. “Morning,” you said softly, unable to keep the smile from your face, “you want one?” “Please,” he pushed his hair out of his face as he looked at you, “you beat me to it.” “The coffee?” “No, last night. The thing you said,” “The whole I love you thing?” “You meant it right? Because I was- that’s what I was trying to say when Joe was off looking for the blindfold but I-I wasn’t…I couldn’t quite bring myself to say it. In case you didn’t.” “I meant it, Ben.” “Okay good,” he sighed in relief as he accepted the mug you were handing him, dropping a peck to your lips as he did. “D’you think Joe meant it too?” you hadn’t thought anything of it last night but you were hit by a sudden pang of worry, “It wasn’t just because he was caught up in the moment or anything like that?” “He meant it. Me and him stayed up talking a bit last night, after you fell asleep. Said he’d been wanting to say it for a while but didn’t want to ruin things if we weren’t on the same page. The only question now is, what does it mean for all of us?” “I don’t know. Guess I didn’t really think this part through.” Ben hummed as both of you took a sip from your respective mugs, thinking things over. “Well, we’ve never really labelled anything before, right? Do we have to start now?” “I s’pose not,” he still looked concerned. “Unless you or Joe want to, what’s wrong?” Ben bit his lip and then took another sip of coffee, stalling, “Do you think this could be a bad idea?” “You mean the three of us being together?” “Yeah. I don’t know I’ve just… I’ve had my concerns for a little while. Nothing serious just, like, a couple things in the back of my head. But if this is going to be a real thing now then they become real concerns.” “What sort of concerns?” “Well, with me and Joe being actors, like,” he paused and sighed, “Bo Rhap took off and it’s opened a lot of doors for us both, 6 Underground and this thing joe’s working on and everything else, and that’s great but it also means we’re getting a bit more attention than before and I know we don’t have to label anything but if the press got hold of it they would and they’d probably spin it into something weird or bad. And then on the other hand there’s fans and stuff and that could end up with all of us getting unwanted messages that are either really negative or proclaiming us as some sort of representation we aren’t necessarily aiming to be. And I know me and Joe have made our peace with living in the limelight and having people be constantly interested in our personal lives, you don’t get into Hollywood without thinking about it at least a little. But you didn’t. I don’t want this to backfire and get you caught up in something we can’t control. What happens if someone hacks our phones and finds our messages? Or if we go visit Joe in the US and the paparazzi get photos of you kissing both of us or something like that?” “Neither of you are quite that famous,” “I’m serious, Y/N. There’s a big-” Ben stopped and looked towards the doorway as Joe joined you. “Couldn’t wait for me?” he said as he made his way to the bench, pulling down his own mug from the cupboard. “Sorry. Mostly just been filling Y/N in on what we talked about last night. The,” Ben pointedly looked back at you, “big risks involved.” “And I’m trying to tell Ben the risks aren’t as big as he’s worried they are.” “Y/N, come on,” “Joe can you back me up?” “Awww our first argument,” Joe laughed until he turned and caught sight of Ben’s face, “fine. Y/N, I’m sorry but I gotta agree with Ben here. There are definite risks and we need to discuss them.” “I’m not saying there isn’t. I just think you’re making mountains out of molehills. Also it’s unfair that you’re both teaming up against me on this.” “Thought you liked being double teamed? Joe wiggled his eyebrows at you, earning a laugh from you and an eyeroll from Ben. “Look,” you said softly, “Joe’s only here for a little while longer. Paparazzi aren’t a problem for us right now. Let’s just try this and see how it goes okay? We can play it by ear and work out all the kinks as we go. Don’t.” you held a finger up at Joe whose mouth had opened at the word kink. “I wasn’t going to!” he protested as he took the seat between you and Ben. “You absolutely were.” “Oh for fucks sake you two, can you at least pretend to be interested in this conversation?” Joe sighed and patted the back of Ben’s hand, “okay I’m taking it seriously, I promise.” “Good, now explain to Y/N why this could go bad because apparently she won’t listen to me.” “I am listening Ben, I just don’t understand why you’re being so pessimistic about it all.” “I don’t think he’s being pessimistic,” Joe cut in, “you have to admit this isn’t the easiest situation in the world and it’d be unrealistic to expect everything to be smooth sailing. Not just from a we’re-working-in-an-often-intrusive-and-voyeuristic-industry way but also because I think it’s safe to say none of us have ever dated two people at once before.” Ben opened his mouth but Joe cut him off. “I mean two people who know about each other.” “Pretty sure it’s called a throuple,” you shrugged, earning a chuckle from Joe and a reluctant laugh from Ben. “Well, whatever it’s called,” Joe continued, “it’s probably going to take some getting used to.” “Okay but isn’t that every relationship?” “You really want to go through with this? Even with…everything. The press, the fans, explaining it to our families and friends, the fact that Joe lives in another country? There’s a lot that could go wrong without even taking into consideration normal new relationship shit, and this is your chance to decide if it’s too much and back out.” “I think you’re forgetting I’m the one who had the balls to verbally admit how I was feeling first. I’m not backing out.” Ben’s eyes met yours and he nodded, seemingly persuaded, “Okay then, as long as we all know what we’re getting ourselves into. Is it horrible of me to suggest we come up with some…I don’t wanna say rules but like just something so we can guarantee this stays between us until we’re ready to be open about it.” “What sort of non-rules?” Ben smiled at the word, “I don’t know. Maybe um, no PDAs? And that includes holding hands and stuff as well as kissing.” “I can do that,” you said with a nod, “never been hugely into PDAs anyway.” “Yeah, makes sense not to,” Joe said, “Though Ben if anyone’s gonna struggle with it, it’ll be you. So very clingy,” “I’m not clingy.” “If you say so. I know this probably goes without saying but, since we’re talking about it, I don’t think we should tell anyone until we are all in agreement that it feels right, if even one of us is unsure then it stays secret. And that includes telling our families. Even if they keep offering to set you up with someone or things like that.” “Your mum still going on about that friend’s daughter?” “Yes,” Joe sighed, “But I’m going to keep putting up with it for the sake of you two. Anything else?” “Maybe,” you ventured, “Maybe keep each other off our insta feeds and other social media. I mean, you two can post whatever you want and it probably won’t matter, but I think it’d be best to keep me out of it so that people don’t start speculating.” “Yeah, okay, that’s easy. Is that everything?” “I think so, yeah. S’pose we just see how it goes and figure things out.” “Okay. So what happens next?” There was silence as you all looked at each other and then Joe piped up, “Celebratory date night?”

After some discussion you landed on dinner at a restaurant you’d gone to together when Joe first came to visit. Ben called to make a reservation and that night, after a day mostly spent lazing around the house and relishing each other’s company and your mutual happiness, you got dressed up and hit the town. “You look stunning,” Joe said, eyes taking in the elegant dress you’d chosen and the heels that bumped your already tall frame just a smidge higher over his and Ben’s heads. “You scrub up pretty well yourself,” you adjusted his collar as you spoke, fingers brushing lightly over his neck, before reaching for your coat. “Allow me,” he said softly and then, much louder, “Ben, you ready?” There was a muffled noise from the bathroom in reply. “I swear if he’s still styling his hair.” “I heard that,” Ben held up a finger, pointing it at Joe as he came towards you. “Love when he gets all stern like that,” you nudged Joe’s shoulder. Ben stuck his tongue out at you both sending you into a fit of giggles, “Dorks,” he laughed as led you out to the car.

The drive itself was fun, singing along to the radio and discussing how hungry you suddenly were while Joe turned in his seat every few seconds to make a comment or joke and Ben stole glances at you in his mirror. When he pulled up Ben opened your door, and gave you a hand out of the car. “And why didn’t you open my door Benjamin?” Joe said, mock aghast, “Terribly bad manners.” You all laughed though there was a sudden slight tension in the air. It wasn’t by any means the first time you’d been out with the two of them. Plenty of days had been spent showing Joe the sights – trips to museums and art galleries and parks, dodging couples holding hands and parents trying to stop kids from touching what they shouldn’t. And you’d been out for dinner together more than once, fancy restaurants and the local sushi place and everything in between. But that was all before when you were just friends who sometimes slept together. If Ben had grabbed your hand to pull you to his favourite exhibit or if Joe had offered you his coat because you looked cold, it was all done in the name of fun, accompanied by jokes and laughter. But now there was meaning behind it. Ben’s fingers brushed yours as you walked up the street towards the restaurant and he quickly pulled his hand away.

It got easier as the night went on. The table you were seated at was towards the back corner of the restaurant, so it felt a little more private than walking along the street had. And the longer you were away from the bubble you’d created in Ben’s home and car, the less worried you were that people were watching you, staring, trying to figure out your relationship. There were still a few awkward moments when one of you would go to do something that previously you wouldn’t have thought twice about, only to second guess yourself and falter. When Joe asked how your meal was, your first reaction was to offer him a bite from your fork though you stopped yourself this time, quickly shoving the food into your own mouth to cover the stuttered word that escaped too soon. Ben kept moving as if to touch your hand or Joe’s shoulder, only to remember what you’d agreed upon that morning and stop, leaving his hand resting awkwardly in the middle of the table. Eventually though he contented himself with playing footsie with you both, hidden by the tablecloth and each other’s chairs. So, by the time you were looking at the dessert menu, you felt much closer to your usual selves than you had at the beginning of the meal, laughing easily, mostly unworried by the people around you. You ordered a cocktail once the bottle of wine had been polished off, handing it around so Ben and Joe could taste it, and you opted to share two desserts between the three of you, no one hungry enough for their own.

The second Ben turned the key in the lock to let you back inside, Frankie could be heard bounding towards the door. “Hey girl,” he cooed, dropping to his knees to pat her as you and Joe stepped around them into the hallway. “That was really nice,” you said as you hung your coat up by the door, “going out on a date, I mean.” “Yeah it was. We’re straight up crushing this throuple thing.” “Took a little getting used to though. I kept feeling like everyone was watching us.” Ben stood up from the doorway, lifting Frankie into his arms as he did so, “here go to mummy for a sec while I get your dinner,” “Mummy?” you laughed, following Ben towards the kitchen, “Since when am I mummy? Thought I was auntie Y/N.” “Auntie doesn’t fit now,” Ben shrugged, a can of dogfood in one hand and a can opener in the other. “That raises so many questions,” Joe butted in, fingers wildly scratching under the dog’s chin, “The least of which is, if Y/N’s mummy does that make me daddy? And do those names transfer to the bedroom?” “Absolutely not,” “Spoil sport.” “Alright you can put her down now, her dinner’s all sorted,” With a final pat you placed Frankie on the floor. She stood staring at you and Joe for a minute before Ben clicked his tongue. Her ears pricked up and she followed the sound, faster once she realised food was involved. Ben washed his hands and turned back to you, “Anyone want anything while I’m here?” “No thanks, couldn’t possibly eat another bite.” Joe shrugged, “I could go a snack, something a bit sweet?” Ben and Joe shared a glance from across your shoulder and the next thing you knew Ben was sweeping you up as you squealed in surprise. He hoisted you over his shoulder, holding your legs still, as he carried you towards the bedroom. “Show off,” Joe said as he followed, grinning, while you banged your fists against Ben’s back. “Joe help me,” you whined, almost laughing as Ben adjusted his grip on you. “Sorry sweetie, been thinking about getting you out of that dress since I saw you in it,” “Me too,” Ben dropped you to the bed with a grunt that made you thankful the dress was easy to remove, “but the shoes stay on.”

Despite Joe’s assertion that you were crushing it, your new dynamic turned out to be harder to adjust to than any of you had imagined it would be. When things were good, they were really good. The domestic bliss you’d fallen into over the previous few weeks continued, but small things began bugging you. Since Joe had moved in with Ben there hadn’t been any worries about leaving him out, no more distance to contend with, so there hadn’t been any problems when you spent the night with one and not the other. It was just how things shook out and no one made a fuss about sleeping alone. But now that you were dating it seemed they both expected you to spend every night with them. When you slept in Ben’s bed, Joe would start joking just a little too much about being excluded. And when you stayed in Joe’s, Ben would spend the next day being extra clingy, barely masking his jealousy. You briefly tried sharing a bed every night but found it untenable. It was lovely sometimes, but somehow you always seemed to end up in the middle and you very quickly got tired of waking up sweating and unable to easily get up to pee or grab a quick drink. Plus, before when you’d stayed over it was generally because of the sex. There’d been a few nights, particularly leading up to the night you’d admitted your feelings, where you’d stayed because you’d been too drunk to drive home or you’d fallen asleep on the couch or just because Ben said you should, but for the most part if you were staying over it was to hook up. Now though, things weren’t solely based on the physical so you didn’t always have sex before you fell asleep in one of their beds, and it led to accusations of favouritism and more than one argument.

The arguments themselves were unfair too. Before, disagreements were quickly solved with a round of rough sex or at the most a couple of days apart before one of you pulled your head in and apologised. But, though you tried to continue that pattern, it didn’t seem to work anymore. Disagreements spawned arguments, often forcing someone to take sides. It was shit being dragged into the middle of an argument you had nothing to do with and it was shit when the person in the middle took the other’s side leaving you feeling ganged up on and attacked. Joe was best at mediating, so fights between you and Ben never seemed to last long but when Joe was involved in the argument things tended to escalate. Neither you or Ben were particularly good at staying impartial or coming up with compromises, both too stubborn to give in without a push from someone else, which just led to more hurt feelings. You ended up going back to your own apartment more often. It was smaller and dingier and lonelier but at least it gave you some space and didn’t gang up on you when you loaded the dishwasher wrong.

On one evening, after a particularly long day at work when you were feeling extra snippy, Joe called you and Ben into the kitchen. You found him leaning against the bench, three mugs laid out in a row as the kettle boiled – a tea for himself, an instant coffee for Ben, and a chai latte for you. “This isn’t working.” A cold fist clenched around your heart as the words hit you. You began to protest the breakup at the same time Ben did but Joe held up a hand to stop you. “I didn’t mean it like that. Shit, sorry, badly phrased. I just mean something about this isn’t right and we need to talk about it so we can fix it.” You breathed a sigh of relief and sat down. “Scared us, fucker.” “Sorry, didn’t mean to,” he pulled out a packet of biscuits and placed them in the middle of the table, “All I want is to talk.” “About?” Joe brought the mugs over and took his own seat before he continued speaking, “I was reading some stuff online last night about situations like ours, relationships with more than two people, and every single site I found really hammered home how important good communication is to make them work. A normal couple takes a lot of communication as is but there are three of us – three personalities, three sets of opinions, maybe even three ideas of what this means or what we want from this – so we need to be better at talking about it. And I know it’s not easy, I don’t love talking about my feelings and stuff, but I think if we’re serious about this then it’s a discussion we need to have.” “Makes sense,” you said softly, “how do we start?” “I guess…maybe if we take it in turns to talk about anything that’s been bugging us lately? Y/N do you want to go first?” “Oh, um, okay. The thing that’s been annoying me most is how um…” Ben placed his hand on yours, “go on, we won’t be offended,” You took a breath, weighing up the best way to say it, “it’s how, uh, how possessive you guys have been.” “Is this why you’ve been disappearing a bit lately?” “Yeah. It’s… you know I love you both but sometimes it feels like you’re fighting over me and expecting me to choose between you. I mean, like, I don’t have my own bed here so when I stay over I either have to sleep on the couch, which feels stupid, or I have to sleep in one of your beds. But no matter who’s bed I choose one of you always seems to be pissed off about it. It’s like you’re both trying to be The Boyfriend without considering each other. You don’t have to compete for me or whatever I’ve very clearly chosen you both.” “Oh my god, I didn’t even think it might be making you feel like that,” Ben said with an apologetic smile, “I know I can get a little jealous and I’ve been trying not to but I guess that’s what I’m used to. In every other relationship I’ve had, it’s like, we agree to be serious and we share a bed, those things go hand in hand. So seeing you in someone else’s bed feels wrong, which is unfair to Joe and you.” “I get it, Ben, I do. This is all very new and a little weird and I knew there’d be teething problems to start. But it’s tiring always feeling like I’m being pulled in both directions.” “Can I just point out, and this isn’t meant in a bitchy way,” Joe said, “but you’re the one who ruled out all of us sharing one bed. So do you have a solution? Because, I admit I’ve been a bit of a jerk about it. Like Ben said I still kind of feel like you should spend more time with me, which I know isn’t right but it’s hard to just switch those feelings off.” “I might have an idea,” Ben dunked a biscuit into his coffee, although he didn’t seem particularly interested in eating it, “Your problem is how stuffy and claustrophobic it can get when we’re all crammed into one bed right? Well, what if we bought a new bed? King sized so it gives us a bit more room.” “That could work, but might I suggest something else on top of that. What if you were the one who slept in the middle, Ben? At the moment it seems to always be me, which is very sweet of you both and I do enjoy it, but you are definitely the biggest cuddler of the three of us and you tend to not need to get up to pee as much as I do. Not that it has to be a structured thing, obviously, but I think I’d be more comfortable on the end more often.” “I am completely fine with that and I kinda feel a little dumb for not thinking of it earlier.” Joe grinned at you both, “It’s working,” he sing-songed, earning eyerolls from you and Ben. “Yes okay Joe, you’re very smart for thinking of this.” “Thank you,” “Was there something you wanted to talk about?” “Now that you mention it, yes. The arguments.” the laughter dropped from his voice. “Yeah, figured this would be brought up,” Ben said, rubbing the back of his neck.

By the time you were done talking the biscuits were gone, your mugs were empty, and you all felt closer as people and partners. It took a while to sort out why arguments seemed harder to break now than before, but you came to the conclusion that it was largely because you hadn’t really talked about how each of you felt since that first day, each of you making incorrect assumptions because of it. The conversation covered a range of topics from how to split household chores to what you had imagined being in a throuple would mean. It took a lot of work to actually be able to voice some of your concerns, and you were sure not everything that could be said was, but you all had the chance get things off your chest, frustration and feelings of inadequacy and concerns about what the future held for you. Together you came to the conclusion you needed to make some changes. Some, like the bed situation, were easy to fix, but others were harder. You decided to set a weekly check in time. A time when you’d all have a chance to talk about how things were going, discuss where you stood, and if your expectations had changed, and work out any problems that arose. The aim was to get to a point where you could have that kind of discussion at any time it became needed, but you all agreed setting a specific time would be a good way to start building the habit. “One final thing,” Joe’s voice sounded horse from talking, “Sex.” “Not sure I’m in the mood Joey,” “No, dingus, we should talk about it a bit. I don’t think it’ll take as much to sort out as some of this other stuff since we’re already pretty familiar with our boundaries and everything but, I figured we might as well while we’re here.” “I don’t really have anything to say about it,” Ben shrugged, “I like how it’s been going so far.” “Yeah what are you expecting us to say?” “Well, okay, um, one of the articles I read mentioned how some people might not be comfortable knowing the other two are screwing, or they might only want to have sex as a threesome,” “I don’t think those really apply here,” you said, “I mean, obviously we like the threesome stuff. But I also like having time one on one sometimes and I don’t expect you to always need me there when you two wanna fuck.” “Yeah, same here,” “Told you it wouldn’t take as long. But I think that’s it then, unless you have anything to add? No? Okay cool. I don’t know about you two, but I’m ready for bed.” You and Ben agreed, yawning. Being so emotionally open was tiring. “Where do you want to sleep Y/N?” “Your bed Benny, but I want Joe there too. As long as I’m not stuck between you two.” Ben gave you a sleepy smile as he wrapped his arms around you and dropped a soft kiss to your lips, “of course, love.” he turned towards Joe, catching him in a kiss too, “Joe I hope you’re ready to have the shit cuddled out of you.” “Gosh I’m lucky,” “Just saying, gotta thank you for forcing us to have that conversation somehow and it’s absolutely going to be cuddles all night. Maybe a morning blowjob too, haven’t decided.”

After your big discussion things began to run smoother. The process of checking in with each other became a regular part of your week, more than a little uncomfortable at first but the more you did it the better you got at it and the less you held back. It mostly happened sitting around the kitchen table with a packet of biscuits and mugs of whichever steaming drink you fancied. The routine setting helped you adjust fast. Within a few weeks you felt comfortable enough about how everything was going to tell some close friends. Rami, Lucy and Gwilym were invited over for dinner one night so you could explain it and answer any questions they would subsequently have. You barely ate a bite of the dinner you’d helped prepare, much too nervous about actually telling others. It wasn’t that you were worried about any of them taking issue with your relationship, or even that you had misgivings about whether they could be trusted to keep your secret safe. It was that up until that point you, Ben and Joe existed in your own space, and didn’t use specific labels to describe yourself, but by telling people you were willingly breaking those boundaries. If you’d thought the word boyfriends or girlfriend, that was fine, but saying them out loud confirmed that this wasn’t just a fling or fucking around or casual anymore, there were real feelings involved and a real chance of getting hurt and no matter how much you wanted to be with them, that was a scary thought. Plus you were all still learning how to manage the relationship. Everything was better now that you’d started talking more candidly but there were still bumps in the road, and part of you felt like if things weren’t perfect then you shouldn’t tell anyone. It was likely that a relationship like yours was not something any of them were familiar with and you couldn’t help feel like you were becoming The Face of Throuples for them, and what right did you have to take that on if you still hadn’t worked out every aspect of how to be in a throuple? But, thankfully, it all went well. They’d been curious but most of the questions were easy to answer. How long has it been going on? How did it happen? The sort of questions you’d usually be asked upon introducing a romantic partner to your friends. And, of course, there’d been some teasing, particularly directed at Ben and Joe for taking so long to actually get together. Gwilym made a toast in which he declared he didn’t need either of them, playing up the jilted ex-lover role to much laughter. It felt nice to talk about it with new people, even if you still felt a little queasy. And it was even nicer knowing that when you were next invited to any of their places for dinner, you and Ben and Joe wouldn’t have to worry about pretending. There‘d be no need to hide your affection under the table or steal kisses in empty rooms, you could just be together.

After the dinner went so well you felt more okay with telling people, inviting a few of your own closest friends over to your place one night so you could let them in on it and swear them all to secrecy. You talked about it with the boys first, just to make sure you were all still on the same page. A small part of you was terrified that they’d let slip to someone who’d let slip to someone else who’s let slip to a reporter or, god forbid, your family. Telling close friends was one thing but you were nowhere near ready enough to explain it to your relatives and both Ben and Joe seemed to agree with you, especially with the holidays approaching. But neither of them were overly worried about it which made you feel less anxious too. There was still that niggling worry that your relationship wasn’t perfect enough to warrant anyone knowing - by telling them about your relationship you were voluntarily becoming the person your friends could use to earn gossip points or praise for having such diverse friends. You could almost hear the smug well I’ve got this friend, bizarre girl, in an honest to goodness throuple. But talking it through with Joe and Ben helped alleviate that too. They helped you stay relaxed on the day as well, dividing the hosting duties with you and checking on how you were going whenever they could. Telling your friends went well, although it was different to telling the other three. Your friends seemed more surprised by the news, perhaps because they weren’t as acquainted with either Ben or Joe. One or two of them had known you were sleeping with both boys but never suspected it might go further, or at least not with both of them. But you felt calmer after you’d answered their questions and stressed to them how important it was that it remained secret. It was a nerve-wracking experience, having to explain it and feeling like you had to justify your feelings but ultimately it was good, the spaces where you could comfortably be yourselves becoming more and more.

Unfortunately, just as you were finally feeling settled in your relationship everything was turned around again. Joe’s movie wrapped and he began preparing to leave. You’d known it was coming, but still, walking into his room to find him packing shocked you, made you feel like the air had been knocked from your lungs. Mostly you’d all ignored it, pretended like it wasn’t creeping closer and closer, but you couldn’t avoid it forever. Joe looked over to where you were leaning in his doorway and smiled. “When’s your flight?” “Thursday afternoon,” “So soon?” “Yeah, kinda sucks right?” he dropped the shirt he was holding into his suitcase. “Little bit. The selfish part of me wants to tell you to stay but I know that’s not right,” “If it helps you can blame my family for being American, they’re the main reason I want to go back.” “Helps a little,” you chuckled, pushing off the doorway and stepping into the room, “at least we know your ditching us for a good reason,” “A very good reason. You’ve seen photos of my nephews; you know how fucking adorable they are.” “Adorable as shit, no better reason to go.” “I’ll come back as soon as I can, promise,” “Oh I’m sure you will, you won’t know what to do without us. But maybe we’ll take pity on you and visit.” You both broke out giggling for a moment, though the air hung heavy again before long. Joe wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug and you sighed as you buried your head in his neck. “Are you worried?” you almost whispered, half afraid to hear his answer. “About flying? No,” “Joe,” you leaned back so you could look at him properly, “you know that’s not what I meant.” “Fine. Yes, I’m a little worried. More than I’d like to be. Just feels like we’ve finally worked out how to do this and I’m ruining it. Long distance is hard and I can’t help but think it might fuck everything up.” “You are not fucking this up Joe,” you placed your hand on his jaw and felt him lean into it, “Me and Ben won’t let you, even if we have to kidnap you or something.” “You’re so sweet,” “I know. But seriously, you have done so much to get us where we are now. You’re the reason we didn’t fall apart early on and that won’t change even with an ocean between us. We’re going to message all the time and we can do video chats and still organise time for our weekly check ins and date nights and everything, so you don’t feel left out. And you’ll have to come back because you’re contracted to do promo stuff for your movie here and you can’t get out of that. And, like I said, if you’re away for too long we’ll come to you. Ben’s got that audition tomorrow so he might end up working near you anyway and I can take some time off work if he does.” “Plus, Christmas shopping will be easier when I don’t have to hide what I get you.” “Exactly! Bright sides everywhere.” “I love you,” “I love you too.”

The last few days before Joe left seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. His final night arrived before you knew it. None of you mentioned it though Ben, always a little clingy, spent most of the day with him, almost joined at the hip. Not that you’d done much better. The poor man could barely go to the bathroom without one of you offering to accompany him. But he didn’t mind. He’d mostly encouraged it. You made Joe’s favourite meal for dinner and Ben found his favourite movies on Netflix and as the hour grew later you’d ended up in a tangled pile on the couch, Joe in the middle with Ben’s head on his shoulder, their fingers intertwined, and your head in his lap, his other hand resting on your side. As the credits rolled on the final movie Joe cleared his throat. “About tomorrow.” Ben hummed to show he was listening but didn’t move. “I don’t know if you should come to the airport with me.” “What?” You and Ben spoke at the same time, both of you pushing yourselves away from Joe, sitting up. “I just think it’s going to be easier to keep this secret if neither of you are there.” “Fuck off, of course we’re going to be there. Friends can still wave each other off at the airport you know. The don’t hold a gun to your head and demand to know if you’re dating or not.” “Ben, that’s not….” he sighed, “Won’t it be easier to do the goodbyes here?” “So what?” “Fine, come along then but we’ll need to discuss how it’s going to work.” “Well Ben will drive us in a-” “Not the part I’m worried about. It’s not like we can do the whole romantic farewell kiss thing. Aside from our no PDAs agreement, after I leave it’ll be both of you here and if people are going to think anything it’s that you two are dating. And maybe that’s not a bad thing. If people think you’re a couple, it’ll take a bit of pressure off and there’ll be less chance of us being exposed before we’re ready.” You crossed your arms and bit your lip. There was sense to what he said, no matter how much you hated it. Ben scoffed and shook his head, “bullshit,” “You know I’m right. Y/N is here almost every day and people already suspect you’re together. In the first week I was here I had multiple friends of yours ask me if I knew what was going on between you, and that was when you were just fucking.” “I can know you’re right and still dislike it.” “I don’t like it any more than you. But I think we might as well use it to our advantage. And it means you won’t have to be quite as careful about going out together. You could go out and hold hands and kiss in public and people wouldn’t catch on to the reality of our relationship. They wouldn’t realise I’m part of it.” There was silence as you all paused. “Stop being so melodramatic Mazzello,” Ben crossed his arms over his chest, “We have a no PDA rule, you just mentioned it before, and that won’t change just because you aren’t around. Stop acting like we’re going to run off without you or something, that’s never going to happen. Also we’re coming to the airport tomorrow. We don’t have to stay and wave you off but we are at least taking you to the drop off zone and you will give us both a hug goodbye.” You were a little stunned by Ben’s sudden burst of dominance, but Joe just smiled, and let out a breath he seemed to have been holding. “Well?” “Deal,” “Deal,” “Deal,” Ben stood, grabbing Joe by the hand and pulled him off the couch, “Now come on, last night means farewell sex and you clearly need a strong reminder of how much you mean to us so get ready to have your mind blown.”

You woke in the morning with Joe between you and Ben, your arms tangled together where you held him. For a while you just lay there, intermittently making out and talking in soft voices, as if worried that being too loud would scare time and make it bound away. It did so anyway. The afternoon arrived sooner than any of you wanted and before you were ready you were parked in the lounge room, Joe’s luggage piled by the door, saying goodbye. Joe squeezed you tight as you tried not to cry into his shoulder, “promise you’ll look after Benny for me. “Of course,” “And I expect you to tell me everything that happens, no matter how boring. You’re going to get so sick of your phone vibrating because I’m gonna be sending you so many messages,” It was getting harder to hold your tears back, voice thick with them, “Not if I annoy you first. If I so much as eat you will hear about it.” “Good, don’t think I could get through a day without hearing about yours. I’m going to miss you so much.” “Me too. It’s going to be weird without you here. What if me and Ben can’t make it work without you?” “Don’t be daft, you’re perfect together. Almost perfect anyway.” You let out a watery laugh. “Seriously though, you’ll be fine. I know you’re both stubborn asses but you will be fine.” “Yeah, you’re right, I’m being dumb. You were right back at the beginning of this too.” “I know I was, but about what specifically?” “We’re crushing this throuple thing. And we’re going to keep crushing it, no matter where we all live.” “Damn right. I love you,” “Love you too.” It didn’t matter that your voice cracked halfway through or that you were trying to blink back tears because Joe kissed you then, his hands trying to pull you even closer into his body. You kissed him back, trying to put every ounce of love into it you could manage. It was the kind of kiss that left your lips tingling and your head feeling vaguely dizzy when he finally pulled away, a slightly dazed expression on his own face. Gently he cupped your jaw, thumb stroking over your cheek to wipe away a fallen tear. The gesture was followed with another, softer, kiss to your lips and then to your forehead.

When he let you go you stepped back and tried to fade into the background while he and Ben had their moment, though it was hard not to watch a little even if you couldn’t hear what they were saying. Seeing Ben lose his composure didn’t make it any easier to stop yourself from crying. When they broke apart Ben’s cheeks were stained pink and his eyes were watery but he cleared his throat and shook his head. “Spose we should get you loaded into the car then.” Joe let out a shaky breath as he ran his hand over his own face, “Okay, I’m good,” he made his way to the door and picked up the suitcase while Ben grabbed his carryon luggage. Ben winked as he passed you, both of you trying not to laugh despite how sad you felt. Joe would be very surprised when he got home and found the bundle of polaroid photos you and Ben had hidden in his suitcase, pressed between two of his shirts. You wished you could see his face when he did. Instead you contented yourself with trying to imagine the message he’d send you, finding it useful to stop your emotions from getting the better of you as you hopped into the backseat and Ben started the engine.

The drive itself was more than a little tense. It felt weird to have done your goodbyes, emotional as they ended up being, only to trap yourselves together in an inescapable enclosed space. There was no singing along to the radio, just some soft conversation, mostly about Joe’s flight. Though you wouldn’t have missed the drive for anything, wanting to spend as much time with Joe as possible even if there was a weird vibe to it. The vibe shifted as you got closer to the airport, less weird, more straight up depressing. You and Ben climbed out of the car with Joe, Ben heading to pull his bags from the boot. “Have a safe flight,” Ben said, dropping the bags to the ground and moving to give Joe a final hug, “Look after yourself and text us as soon as you land, okay?” You could see the way his hand lingered on Joe’s back, how he squeezed just a little tighter than he normally would, but to an outsider it would have looked like nothing more than good friends parting. You felt the tears beginning to form again and desperately tried to hold them back. Joe nodded as they broke apart and then pulled you into a final hug. “Don’t cry Y/N. Gotta keep it together so Ben doesn’t break down bawling,” “Oi, I heard that, jerk,” “Not disputing it though are you?” Joe laughed, “but seriously Y/N, there’s no need. I’ll be back as soon as I can be and then you’ll feel like a right dork for getting so emotional.” “Better come back fast and prove it. Tell your nephews they’re lucky little jerks.” Joe just laughed as he stepped back, “See you next time, then. Thanks for… everything.” There was a second where you had to fight the urge to leap at Joe and pull him into the sort of big romantic kiss reserved for romcoms but then he grabbed his bags and headed off towards the entrance, the moment gone. He paused once to look back and wave before he disappeared amongst the crowd. You and Ben stayed for a few seconds, watching the entrance just in case he appeared again but he didn’t.

By the time you got home both of you felt exhausted, drained. Without saying a word you headed to the room that Joe had claimed as his own, Ben following without really seeming to realise. It already felt too quiet with just the two of you there. You toed off your shoes and lay down on the bed, Ben collapsing beside you, his hand falling to your waist. The bed still smelt like Joe and you sighed, “It’s going to be different without him,” “Yeah, probably. But it’ll be fine. It’s so easy to keep in contact, we’ll manage.” “I know. Just gonna take some getting used to I guess. I already miss him so much,” “I know babe,” Ben’s arms tightened as he pulled you into his chest. For a moment you just lay there and then the silence was broken by both of your phones buzzing in sync. There was a new message in your group chat, both of you clicking to open it, hoping just a little that Joe’s flight had been cancelled or something similar. Instead you were met with three words that made both of you sob.

Miss you already

#ben hardy x reader x joe mazzello #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello angst #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy angst #my writing #1000 follower celebration #i promise you the next thing i write about these dweebs will be happy and smutty #but i did have fun with this #also it looks like all my titles for this series are gonna be references to songs soooooo #idk man

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