theworldsoul

[theworldsoul]

uh yeah that went. horribly. 

jan 23

The fire in my heart feels like its fading. I’m just sad. At this point, I’m just sad. Maybe even hopeless. Maybe even defeated. Maybe I dont feel anything at all anymore. There’s nothing left here for me. I can’t do anything. I’m a living sin. I should fucking die. Like. The world is fucking hell show, nobody takes me seriously or believes a word I say, nobody really cares about me and everyone thinks I’m crazy. The world hates Christ and is full of people I can never connect to. I love Christ yet will spend my entire life in mortal sin. just dont understand why things have to be so painful. The world literally doesnt feel the same way it used to and it never fucking will. Ever again. Once you see the things that are wrong you can’t unsee them. Once you feel a wall come up between you and others It dont come down. Its very damaging yknow, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, to live this life, in such total conflict and confusion. To see the sin and hate the sin but also to BE the sin, to be unable to even imagine life without the sin. Satan has overtaken me and I’m sorry Hes right. My parents wont forgive me cos I didnt smoke for 3 months. Theyll forgive me when i show them I’m better than this. Christ wont allow me into the Kingdom of Heaven until i abandon ALL SIN…. this is the most painful part.  But how can I even claim a love for Christ If I deny the biological reality He prepared for me, mutilate my body and attempt to bend Gods will and become something new??? If I deny His creation???Yknow I have hit puberty. I was 10. Now that I think about it, literally every change happened for the sole purpose of getting married to a man and having children. Having children. God wants me to have CHILDREN!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! God wants me to have children and to render myself infertile would be sinful. Thing is, there is so much pain within me about this. I cant even fathom using my old name or not compressing my chest and ribs to the point that it could possibly be fucking with my breathing. I cant

Even imagine any of the steps of a detransition without feeling vile and sick and panicking and going absolutely fucking apeshit and I know its because this is a sickness and I’m really fucking sick and honestly I’m so tired of being ILL when do i get to be healthy and well??? Like I was really fucking young when this started and I wonder if I’m just a bad fucking person and that’s why I keep doing bad things. but I dont want to be a bad person.Maybe if I’d finished the Advil Job things would be better now. maybe God would take mercy on me. But now that I know better than to sin, and I continue to sin,… He proabably wont go soft on me if i try The Job again.Maybe I can repent for like a week, and then I’ll be clean enough to finish it off no worries? I know suicide is sinful but if i do everything else right…  Or does this count as “jewing my way out of things”? I mean maybe I should stop looking for the easy way out. “Never abandon the principle of struggle” right ian?? Right??? Never abandon the principle of struggle until its “too hard uwu”. Jeez. I really hate you. But also, why couldnt I have just been BORN male??? I always wanted to be. I feel like I’m pretty masculine in spirit, in mind… idk. I couldve made for such a good man. Why’d it have to be this way? Was it really fucking necessary?? theres a million other women why make me one of them knowing I’ll hate it and hate myself and become an abomination trying to escape it?I wish I could ask God why to his face and just have honest conversation but that’s not really how this works. Prayer is time with God, but like to speak with Jesus, like, over a coffee or something. I want to fix this. I just barely even undertsand it in the first place so how Can I fix it? ….. no, let’s start somewhere new. How can I understand it? how can I accept it? how can I learn to like myself the way I already am? how can I find Christ, all over again? how can I be who I already am?

Fuck it. it hurts a lot and Obviously its going to be very painful, but I’m going to try. at least I’ll try.

[theworldsoul]

okay I made this joke so long ago, and JUST TODAY my boyfriend made the same comparison! like IM NOT EVEN EXAGERATING

My legs are like ribbed condoms XD

[theworldsoul]

[theworldsoul]

Christopher Lloyd (Banquo) and Christopher Walken (MacBeth) in the stage production of “Macbeth” at New York City’s Lincoln Center - 1974

[theworldsoul]

Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution, Adrienne Rich / Just Take Them and Leave Me Alone, Raoof Haghighi / Stanzas, Sexes, Seductions, Anne Carson / Corruption, Camille Norton / Macbeth - Act 1, Scene 5, William Shakespeare

[theworldsoul]

One of the most excruciating feelings of the trauma of CEN is getting older and desperately wanting to trust and confide in your parents but you just.... can't.

[theworldsoul]

Tfw your family gossips about your "issues" without realizing they either caused them or amplified them or both

[theworldsoul]

[theworldsoul]

does anyone else feel like their parents are more like their roommates rather than actual family?

[theworldsoul]

https://auroragift.com/products/33557-aurora-spudsters-10in-doodle-dog?_pos=4&_sid=069b4f283&_ss=r want

[theworldsoul]

Suicidal people need more from society than a link to a hotline.

[theworldsoul]

Communication is so wild though like you can spend hours thinking someone is mad at you and then when you ask what’s up they’re like “yeah my mom really pissed me off earlier” and it turns out you were just assuming it was about you. And now you don’t have to carry that stress anymore

Or you could finally work up the nerve to be like “hey I’m not a huge fan of this thing we do together” and the other person is just like thank god I also don’t like that thing. And then neither of you have to do it anymore

OR even crazier, you can be like “I’m having this problem and idk what to do about it” and they’re like “what about this?” and they just solve the entire thing and you realize again how smart and clever your friends are

Mindblowing every time

[theworldsoul]

[theworldsoul]

People, especially games, get eldritch madness wrong a lot and it’s really such a shame.

An ant doesn’t start babbling when they see a circuit board. They find it strange, to them it is a landscape of strange angles and humming monoliths. They may be scared, but that is not madness.

Madness comes when the ant, for a moment, can see as a human does.

It understands those markings are words, symbols with meaning, like a pheromone but infinitely more complex. It can travel unimaginable distances, to lands unlike anything it has seen before. It knows of mirth, embarrassment, love, concepts unimaginable before this moment, and then…

It’s an ant again.

Echoes of things it cannot comprehend swirl around its mind. It cannot make use of this knowledge, but it still remembers. How is it supposed to return to its life? The more the ant saw the harder it is for it to forget. It needs to see it again, understand again. It will do anything to show others, to show itself, nothing else in this tiny world matters.

This is madness.

[theworldsoul]

ian is NOT on a timer! ian is alive and well! ian will always be ian! and ian is a girl :) just a tomboy. 

it never had to be as hard as it was.

theres so much to a name. we think its as simple as what your parents give you, or choosing something you think sounds cool. other than the process of getting a name, the process of HAVING a name is… it’s own ceremony.

names come with their own attached notions and meanings and ideas. of course your name absorbs parts of your persona… but you have to consider that your persona absorbs parts of your name. your name VALIDATES a certain part of identity. right? your name validates your gender, maybe your language too. 

but focusing on the gender… having a male name means there is a level of validation of your masculinity you receive every time someone utters your NAME. your name. it would go the same with a girly name, you would have a level of validation of your femininity. there is so much in just a name. you can take a perfectly ambiguous looking person and give them a name and with that name we’ll be able to infer information about them. so having a name… the idea of having a name, sticking to a name, that’s very much connected to the SELF, to the idea of having an identity. and when your identity becomes confused, your name is the first thing you attack. with “nicknames”, “code names”, “call signs”, “pseudonyms”, “spy names”.

  whats in a name? everything is in a name. there are three things most people will infer from my three letter basic ass name: IAN. 

1. male

2. white

3. basic

if you know about the meaning/roots of the name, you could more specifically infer

-Christian 

-Scottish

theres a strange kind of dissonance when you subvert the expectations for your name. it gets worse, the confusion gets worse when you arent consistent. when you begin to present yourself differently to different people… when you introduce yourself as less complicated than you really are. it gets worse when you realize you’ll never be anything. you’ll always be YOU, 

but there isn’t a name in the world that fits, a connotation in the world that sits right.  

LIKE… im ME, but Ian is on a fucking clock. a fucking timer. i hate thinking about it. because the name suits me, it does. its the connotation thats on a timer. tik motherfucking tok. because i wont be young enough to have flexibility with this for much longer. people think things when they look at you, like it or not. an adult me is not a flexible me. but as it stands now i can pass for pretty much WHATEVER which is comforting to me.  maybe im just so dysphoric that i think i look like a girl when i dont tho becos my friend said he legit thought i was cis. i think maybe im just so dysphoric and sexually what i want doesnt line up with what i want for my gender and i hate trannies so im trying this and its actually moreso that my body was made for transition. sometimes i think in the mirror that i could totally lean into transiton or not and i could pass well as cis either way. 

in the end though… im ian. thats it. i think no matter what deicisions i make about gender im always gonna be Ian. because it has these pre determined connotations, but after so long of being ian, it just feels like me. when people say ian theyre talking about ME. ian is mecore. i think i look like an ian too, cant imagine another name fitting as well as ian does. maybe Caleb would fit, or Samson… but never in my name questioning does my original name appear. if it does, its only for a fleeting moment. i think thats a sign ive done soemthing right here.  who knows maybe ill be an irl reverse trap if i dont do anything medically… lol

[theworldsoul]

I’m doing it :) I’m a girl lol. I feel like its way easier now, because of a specific person God sent to me.

jan 23

The fire in my heart feels like its fading. I’m just sad. At this point, I’m just sad. Maybe even hopeless. Maybe even defeated. Maybe I dont feel anything at all anymore. There’s nothing left here for me. I can’t do anything. I’m a living sin. I should fucking die. Like. The world is fucking hell show, nobody takes me seriously or believes a word I say, nobody really cares about me and everyone thinks I’m crazy. The world hates Christ and is full of people I can never connect to. I love Christ yet will spend my entire life in mortal sin. just dont understand why things have to be so painful. The world literally doesnt feel the same way it used to and it never fucking will. Ever again. Once you see the things that are wrong you can’t unsee them. Once you feel a wall come up between you and others It dont come down. Its very damaging yknow, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, to live this life, in such total conflict and confusion. To see the sin and hate the sin but also to BE the sin, to be unable to even imagine life without the sin. Satan has overtaken me and I’m sorry Hes right. My parents wont forgive me cos I didnt smoke for 3 months. Theyll forgive me when i show them I’m better than this. Christ wont allow me into the Kingdom of Heaven until i abandon ALL SIN…. this is the most painful part.  But how can I even claim a love for Christ If I deny the biological reality He prepared for me, mutilate my body and attempt to bend Gods will and become something new??? If I deny His creation???Yknow I have hit puberty. I was 10. Now that I think about it, literally every change happened for the sole purpose of getting married to a man and having children. Having children. God wants me to have CHILDREN!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! God wants me to have children and to render myself infertile would be sinful. Thing is, there is so much pain within me about this. I cant even fathom using my old name or not compressing my chest and ribs to the point that it could possibly be fucking with my breathing. I cant

Even imagine any of the steps of a detransition without feeling vile and sick and panicking and going absolutely fucking apeshit and I know its because this is a sickness and I’m really fucking sick and honestly I’m so tired of being ILL when do i get to be healthy and well??? Like I was really fucking young when this started and I wonder if I’m just a bad fucking person and that’s why I keep doing bad things. but I dont want to be a bad person.Maybe if I’d finished the Advil Job things would be better now. maybe God would take mercy on me. But now that I know better than to sin, and I continue to sin,… He proabably wont go soft on me if i try The Job again.Maybe I can repent for like a week, and then I’ll be clean enough to finish it off no worries? I know suicide is sinful but if i do everything else right…  Or does this count as “jewing my way out of things”? I mean maybe I should stop looking for the easy way out. “Never abandon the principle of struggle” right ian?? Right??? Never abandon the principle of struggle until its “too hard uwu”. Jeez. I really hate you. But also, why couldnt I have just been BORN male??? I always wanted to be. I feel like I’m pretty masculine in spirit, in mind… idk. I couldve made for such a good man. Why’d it have to be this way? Was it really fucking necessary?? theres a million other women why make me one of them knowing I’ll hate it and hate myself and become an abomination trying to escape it?I wish I could ask God why to his face and just have honest conversation but that’s not really how this works. Prayer is time with God, but like to speak with Jesus, like, over a coffee or something. I want to fix this. I just barely even undertsand it in the first place so how Can I fix it? ….. no, let’s start somewhere new. How can I understand it? how can I accept it? how can I learn to like myself the way I already am? how can I find Christ, all over again? how can I be who I already am?

Fuck it. it hurts a lot and Obviously its going to be very painful, but I’m going to try. at least I’ll try.

[theworldsoul]

do yall ever find some obscure ass tumblr fetish blog by accident. yeah.