#and made he learn self sabotaging behavior to get love in his life

[jahayla-parker]

Dead: Kaz Brekker x Reader

Description: 5.8k wc, for the prompt of "You're supposed to be dead" originally for this request but I went overboard so I separated Kaz's!

Warnings: passive suicidal thoughts (NO action), mentions of death and injuries, trauma references, drinking, grief, loss, etc. and typical SOC/SAB trigger warnings

Maybe in the end, Kaz was meant to be alone.

It would make sense after all.

He certainly deserved to end up alone.

Yet, he must have done something right along the way.

After all, the universe, one of Inej’s saints, or whatever other force allegedly existed, had granted him y/n.

He never thought he’d be with anyone.

Kaz thought he was too far gone, too broken, too cruel, too numb, etc.

He never thought he'd be able to love someone; not after Jordie.

He thought he'd never let himself experience that sentiment ever again; much less express it.

He never thought he'd be able to become the person he now was.

That is until some unknown force brought the wonderfully undeserved presence that was Y/n into his life.

Despite his most aggressive and resistant behavior towards forming anything with her, he did.

Despite his toxic actions and inactions, she stuck around.

It was as if there was nothing that could tear them apart.

Not even Kaz’s phenomenal self-sabotage skills could make her give up on him.

However, at some point, Kaz allowed himself to become naive, ignorant, and lovesick.

In other words, Kaz Rietveld has taken control over the bastard's heart and mind when it came to her.

So much so that he’d allowed himself to fall into the position in which he was now facing.

A situation he swore he’d never find himself in.

Not again, anyways; not after having been there before due to Jordie.

Yet, here he was.

Alone in his chaotic mess of an office.

Drinking whatever Saint-forsaken thing he could find.

He knew he was cutting deep into the Crow Club's profits.

Kaz Brekker’s voice tauntingly scolded him despite Kaz Rietveld’s mind still being in control of his emotional state.

He desperately wished Dirtyhands would take over his mind and heart entirely.

It wouldn’t hurt then; or at least not as much.

He’d sworn to never let anyone get close enough for this to happen.

And yet, it had; she did.

He let her get close to him; he needed her to.

So, his naive Rietveld mentality had convinced the Kaz Brekker mentality he formed to learn to accept it.

Oh, how he wished he could go back and undo that acceptance.

But did he?

Is that really what he wanted?

To undo accepting her into his life?

Sure, he’d not be experiencing an excruciating sense of loss right now.

But was the lack of an excruciating sense of loss worth her absence in his life?

No.

Neither part of him believed that he'd choose anything over her.

Ironically, it didn’t matter.

He’d have to experience her absence one way or the other.

For now, it wasn’t anything he even had a choice in.

She was gone.

He could’ve saved her.

He should’ve saved her.

But he hadn’t.

And now, the Bastard found himself alone again.

For the first time in a long time.

And nothing, and no one, could cure the aching and longing loneliness he felt.

Not his sharpshooter, Jesper.

Not his Wraith, Inej.

Not his heartrender, Nina.

Not his demolitions expert, Wylan.

Not his Fjerdan, Matthias.

Not the countless bottles of alcohol he’d downed.

Not the overpriced scented candle Kaz gifted Y/n days prior that used to make him grin over how excited she would be to light it.

Not now that it sat on the nightstand, never to be used again.

Not the throwing of papers and plans he'd done upon entering his room.

Not the reminder that he'd experienced something similar before.

For while that was true, having chosen to risk this type of loss all over again made it much worse now.

And nothing, absolutely nothing, could erase the flashbacks in his mind.

They were there even if he didn’t close his eyes.

They were always there.

But she wasn't.

No one could pull him from the ceaseless sense of drowning inside him.

Not even himself.

None of his previously formed coping mechanisms worked.

No one could get him to open up and talk.

No one could get him to accept it.

No one could get him to heal from it.

No one could get him to move on from the immediate aftermath of her death.

Though, they’d tried.

Jesper had offered to show Kaz how to let go and decompress the way he would after a bad heist.

He knew the Bastard wouldn't talk to him about what he was experiencing, so he tried to help through action.

Yet, Kaz refused to follow Jesper around from gambling den to gambling den.

So, Wylan stepped in and tried to play some relaxing music for him.

Wylan knew music could be healing and calming, but despite his best efforts, Kaz remained the same.

Nina was the next to try but when she tried to loosen his muscles, Kaz snapped at her.

It was the one time he truly said much of anything since that night

But, it told them all they had to know.

Kaz Brekker was gone.

They didn't know who, if anyone, would form over time.

But, their boss -and dare to say it, friend- was no longer there.

Inej merely left a note on his desk that she was there to talk if he wished to do so; not wanting to push him when he was already suffering.

Matthias normally couldn't care less for the demjin, but when Kaz shouted for Nina to leave him be and that he didn't want the pain to leave his body, even Matthias felt sorry for him.

The Fjerdan knew immediately what Kaz was meaning.

He too was willing to feel the pain of his losses (his parents and sister) as it acted as some torturous connection to the person they'd lost.

So, he helped Inej make sure the Crow Club kept operating so Kaz would have one less worry whenever he came back to them.

So Kaz once again found himself alone.

It wasn’t truly the being alone that bothered him.

It was the fact he was alone because she was gone that was painful

He could handle being alone.

But he couldn’t handle being without her.

He couldn't stand living in a world in which she didn’t exist.

He’d contemplated removing that possibility.

After all, he'd taken down Pekka Rollins already.

And now that Y/n was gone, he truly had no purpose here anymore.

But he knew it wouldn’t matter.

Even if Inej was right about their being some form of afterlife, he wouldn’t see y/n after his death.

If such a thing existed, she’d have earned a spot in 'Heaven'.

She'd be somewhere Kaz would never be allowed.

Somewhere almost deserving of her presence.

He wasn’t sure where Jordie had ended up, assuming Inej was right.

He wanted to believe his brother would also go to 'Heaven'.

However, due to Kaz's lack of faith, he didn’t know what behaviors amounted to earning a spot in 'Heaven'.

Nor did he know what behaviors would remove someone from such a place.

For all he knew, the Saints could have some tally sheet of behaviors that they kept track of throughout one's life.

Perhaps y/n wouldn’t get to the highest level of afterlife either.

But, if you asked Kaz, he knew she deserved far higher than him; no matter what she may have had to do to survive before they'd met.

Y/n was far better than him.

Far better than he was.

Far better than he is.

Far better than he ever could’ve been.

Far better than he ever would be now.

And far better than he deserved.

So, regardless of what the Saints might demand to get in, he knew that he’d never see her again even if there were an afterlife.

That didn’t stop the thought of attempting to get to wherever she was from occurring day in and day out; despite the constant alcoholic buzz he had.

No amount of paperwork, liquor, Kruge, heists, etc. could distract him enough from missing her.

He felt her absence everywhere.

The same way he’d felt her presence just days before.

The presence he’d never feel again.

It wasn’t that he had forgotten it was possible to lose her.

He just pushed aside the fear of that pain for the -at the time- current comfort of being with her.

The guy who cared only about his own survival found someone he was ready to die for.

Yet, he was denied the chance to show her that.

Instead, he was forced to watch her die while he stood by helplessly.

He always accounted for everything.

But losing her was not something he could have seen coming.

It should’ve been.

He knows that.

But the idea was far too terrifying and painful to even contemplate, much less anticipate or prepare for.

So he hadn’t.

He always took measures to ensure her safety.

Certainly during heists.

Yet, it wasn't enough.

It wasn’t enough to save her.

He wasn’t enough.

He hadn’t been calculated enough.

He hadn't been smart enough.

He hadn’t been focused enough.

When it came down to it, he hadn’t been enough.

And now she was gone.

And the only person he could truly blame was himself.

Of course, by now each of the opposing parties had been dealt with in a very Kaz-like manner.

He hadn't done so with the hopes that it would’ve eased his pain or his guilt.

He knew it wouldn’t.

But he couldn’t let them get away with it either.

She deserved better.

The least he could do was take their lives the way they took hers.

Yet, it did nothing to lower the waves -that normally rose to his chest- that now nearly reached his nose.

Nor did it do the one thing he was truly desperate for.

The bastard of the Barrel was never one to be seen as desperate.

Well, apart from having been desperate for revenge against Pekka; and perhaps Kruge.

But even so, that desperation was kept in check.

However, this was not.

And Kaz didn’t bother to pretend otherwise.

He couldn’t muster the energy to maintain his normally stoic demeanor to the full extent.

To most who didn’t know him, he probably looked like the same careless Barrel boss as before.

But those closest to him, his crows, and even some of the closer dregs saw the drastic change in him that night.

He’d always been troubled and plagued with his past and his losses.

But he now seemed haunted and hallowed by them.

No one knew what to do and they’d all been grieving in their own rights so no one found a way to truly comfort him.

Not that any attempt would be successful; as Kaz did not see himself coming back from this one.

Y/n had helped him with the trauma surrounding his brother Jordie.

But no one would be capable of helping him with the trauma of losing her.

He knew she had more power and impact on him than he’d ever care to admit.

But by the time he knew this, he was too far gone to effectively resist.

Losing her was like not only losing a part of himself but himself altogether.

He lost the drive that Kaz Brekker had.

His immediate anger and heartbreak had alleviated the people who played a role in her passing.

He now had no one to hunt, scheme against, nor harm.

No one to blame.

No one but himself.

And yet, even he knew that no one could have seen this coming.

Not even Dirtyhands Kaz Brekker.

Yet, he was the only option he had as a source to assign blame to.

Nonetheless, he lost the confidence and passion that the Barrell boss once had.

He lost the small spark of light that y/n instilled in him.

The light that made him believe even Kaz Brekker deserved a happy ending.

Now he was resigned to the fact he was clearly meant to end up alone.

If only he’d stuck with that belief, perhaps she would still be here.

He lost the happiness he’d worked so hard to accept from her.

She had been his one true source of happiness.

The crows and successful heists brought similar emotions.

But, only through y/n was he able to truly appreciate all of it.

He also lost what remained of poor, pathetic, little, Kaz Rietveld.

Any innocence that may have lingered deep down inside of him after Jordie’s death was now undoubtedly erased after y/n’s.

Any kindness or compassion he felt towards others felt ripped away from him as he fell into a numb state of being.

He hadn’t accounted for what his life would be like if she’d passed.

If anyone had asked prior to that night, he’d have told them he would be fine.

Of course he would, he’d have said, after all he’d experienced loss before.

And it drove him.

But even with Jordie, he didn’t truly survive.

A new version of him did, but he wasn’t the same.

Not until y/n had managed to resurrect what remained of the original version of himself.

Now both versions were destroyed and he didn’t know where that left him.

Other than in his office, endlessly drinking liquor as if it were a life source, and feeling sorry for himself.

Oh, if only Dirtyhands Kaz Brekker could see himself right now.

------

Kaz had drunk himself into such a stupor that he didn't hear the knock on his door.

It was now several nights after the incident and he hadn’t emerged from his chambers in well over 48 hours now.

So, unbeknownst to him, their home had an unexpected presence.

After much debate, the crows had agreed to step back and allow Kaz to contact the presence first.

Hence why Wylan's knocking increased in tempo; as if trying to show the urgency behind it.

Yet, the sound merely reverberated off the walls of Kaz's room without him noticing.

From the other side of the door, Jesper huffed loudly.

He signaled for the others to move back; ready to take whatever drastic measures it took to alert his best friend to the news he knew Kaz needed.

Nina gently placed her hands on her friends' shoulders and guided them away from the doorway.

Jesper smirked at the girls beside him before he aggressively kicked the wooden door, his smirk growing as the wood splintered and the door swung open.

“Kaz” Jesper said firmly as the crows all squinted in order to adjust to the dim lighting of his room.

Kaz either didn’t hear Jesper or chose to ignore him.

Instead of responding, he merely sipped on the amber liquid in his glass.

“We should leave you to it” Inej suggested, giving her friend a smile and shoulder squeeze before having to all but drag the others away.

Kaz’s eyes never changed from the distant look they had seemingly taken on before they'd entered.

He hadn’t moved one millimeter other than to take another sip of his drink.

Anyone could see the state of distress the Bastard had been in by just seeing the state of his room.

There was broken glass and other debris around the room, empty liquor bottles piled up in an overflowing garbage bin, an unusual lack of papers/plans on his desk, etc.

The phsyical state of his room along with the completely dissociated gaze his eyes held broke y/n’s heart as tears slowly rolled down her cheeks.

She wasn’t sure what she expected after that night.

She knew he likely thought she was dead.

After all, she thought she was going to be.

She should’ve been.

She knew Kaz loved her, in his own way.

So she expected some kind of reaction to her apparent death.

But, she hadn’t expected this.

She hadn’t wanted this.

Shed made her way back to their home as quickly and safely as she reasonably could.

It had taken over a day to do so, but she didn’t want Kaz’s crew or their fellow Crows to spot her.

She knew they’d immediately tell Kaz and given that he’d seen her fall after being shot, she knew he’d lash out at the reporting party for spreading gossip.

She hoped she could make it to him undetected but quickly enough to prevent him from much grief.

But even though it hadn’t taken her much more than a day to reach him, he seemed to have already spiraled.

She took a deep breath and slowly walked closer to his desk.

Y/n hated how his eyes never left his glass despite her movements.

He was never this unobservant.

Or perhaps he no longer cared nor had the energy to bother with his surroundings.

Either way, she hated this.

Y/n cautiously set a hand over the far side of the rim on his glass as she tried to block him from taking another slug of the beverage.

She watched as his body reacted slowly.

While it took much longer than normal, his reaction was enough to show Kaz had been able to sense a change, which was more than she’d gotten so far.

Kaz’s glazed eyes dragged upwards from his glass to her face in a painstakingly glacial pace.

When they finally landed on her, he froze for a moment, his eyes now appearing needy and hungry.

Once his eyes seemed to take in her presence, they shut tightly as his body shook.

Y/n swallowed thickly as uncharacteristic tears pushed their way through Kaz’s closed eyes and down his face.

“Kaz” y/n whispered.

She wanted so badly to kneel by his desk as to be closer to him, but her wounded leg wouldn’t let her.

She watched as he slammed his glass down, the liquid splashing out the rim onto his desk.

He drug his hand down his face and gripped the edge of the desk “fuck”.

Y/n saw he was wearing his gloves despite being alone in his room and her heart somehow hurt even more.

He hadn’t done that in years.

Yet, here he was, unable to handle the feeling of even his own skin.

“Kaz, please talk to me” she tried again, desperately wanting to help him.

She watched as a sob shook his body and barely squeaked past his lips.

The sound made her own tears fall faster.

“Love, I want to help-“ y/n whispered after giving themselves a moment to regain their composure.

“You’re not real! Just fucking stop” Kaz shouted, both of his hands flying to his face.

One of his hands began pulling at his hair until it hurt, the other pinching the bridge of his nose.

He felt insane.

He knew he’d been drinking far too much.

Perhaps this illusion before him was somehow his consequence.

Y/n watched him closely, unsure how to reach him.

They’d worked on his touch aversion before but now hardly seemed like the time to push it.

“Kaz, I am real” she spoke tenderly, watching his body language for any signs of him listening to her.

He only shook his head and stifled another sob.

Y/n sniffled and audibly took a deep breath, “I know… and I’m sorry, I came as fast as I could-”.

“It… it isn’t… it is not possible” Kaz repeated to himself.

“Look at me, please. Kaz I need to see your eyes” y/n begged.

It would usually work as Kaz knew how comforting it was to look into her eyes so he’d always returned the favor when prompted.

However, y/n watched his fingers grip together tightly as he resisted looking up at her.

“Look I tried to… I know I was bleeding…-“ she began trying to explain but was uncertain how to do so.

“Hey, see my leg? That’s from the fall, but I’m not dead” y/n attempted, pointing down at her excessively bandaged leg.

Kaz shook his head defiantly, not glancing up from the desk.

There was no way she didn’t die, he’d seen her fall.

He’d never have left her if he didn’t know she was dead

Even when he knew, Mathias had to shove and push him back to the club as his body froze at the sight.

All of his survival instants evaporated when he watched her fall to her death.

He threw up the contents of his stomach once he’d made it back and realized Matthias had been touching him the whole time.

So, he knew this illusion before him had to be wrong.

But he couldn’t figure out why his mind would do this to him.

Because, despite the illusion of her presence in this moment, Kaz had the image of her death burned in his mind.

The image had played in his mind on endless loop for hours, hence the never ending flow of alcohol.

Seeing his once again distant stare, y/n sighed, “Kaz I’m alive… it’s me, I promise. I’m okay, I’m not dead”.

Kaz’s brain replayed the torturous flashback upon hearing her words.

His eyes stared blankly ahead at the wall as his mind once again recalled the night he’d lost her.

The heist had gone wrong, the crows were detected far earlier than planned due to the sudden rainfall.

The intense rainfall diminished the fog Wylan’s explosives were supposed to offer, prompting the guards of the house they were fleeing to spot them much faster than anticipated.

This meant everyone was rushing back to the Crow Club and not as attentive to their surroundings.

Well, everyone but Kaz.

Kaz, of course, stayed as attentive as always.

He saw the way the water was gathering in the sight depressed areas of the old roofs.

He warned y/n and Inej to be cautious and aware of them.

But they still had to hurry nonetheless in order to not be caught.

Kaz was a few feet behind on the ground when it happened.

He watched in horror as a bullet pierced her left shoulder, making her dodge to the right in response.

But as she did, she lost her footing when she stepped into the small puddle of water that had formed in a small bowl shape indentation on the roof.

Kaz watched as her ankle buckled and she fell to her side, her upper body hanging over the edge.

Kaz had unconsciously begun to painfully climb the stairs on the side of the building.

Despite the pain in his legs he needed to reach her before the situation worsened.

So he pressed on, reaching the top rather quickly.

But as he pushed himself onto the roof, he could only watch as the guard shoved her lower body off the slanted roof.

It took only seconds for Kaz to disarm the guard and turn him into a bloody withering mess.

As the man slid off the roof, Kaz neared the edge only to see the exact thing he feared he’d see.

Her limp body was laid there, eyes open but blank, blood puddled around her shoulder and head.

He pressed his cane into the roof more to stabilize himself as the rain continued to gush down on him.

He stared at her, waiting for her chest to begin rising and falling again.

It had to.

She had to be okay.

He wasn’t able to think clearly enough to even question it when something suddenly shoved him away from the scene.

His eyes may have physically left the scene at that moment, but the image of her limp frame was already burned into his retinas.

And that image was all he saw until he’d arrived back at the club.

And that image was what continued to haunt him now.

Kaz slowly came back to the present moment, his body trembling and lip bleeding from biting it so aggressively.

He looked up at the illusion of her and glared, “I don’t know what alleged Saint I’ve wronged, but what kind of Saint does this to someone?!”

With a sorrowful look in her eyes, she shook her head, “Kaz, there’s no Saint involved. It’s me, it’s y/n”.

Seeing the anger and disbelief still in his eyes, she closed the distance and smiled softly.

She set her hand palm upwards on his desk, as an invite for him to touch her and see that she was real; if he were able to.

It took several silent minutes of him staring at her hand before he moved.

But, when he did, he reluctantly removed one glove and placed his fingertips against her palm.

His chair squeaked against the floor as he jumped at the feeling of her hand against his fingers.

The feeling he knew and cherished.

As his eyes became glassier, Kaz adjusted so he could firmly place his fingers over her wrist in search of her pulse.

When he acknowledged there was in fact a pulse, his grip on her wrist tightened some.

“B-but-..” He cleared his throat, eyes fierce as they looked up at her in frustration, “You’re supposed to be dead!”

“I’m not though, Kaz” she assured him with a delicate smile.

When he removed his hand from hers to out his glove back on, she waited for him to speak.

However when he didn’t soften his intense glare, she spoke again.

“If you prefer that though..” She teases hoping to break the tension, “I can just-“

“Don’t” Kaz’s raspy voice demanded as he abruptly stood.

He let his eyes scan her whole body slowly.

Both in search of injuries or signs of her fall, and in searches of all the tiny details only he knew.

Like the way she had a faint scar on her elbow from a fight she’d won the night Kaz met her.

Or the details he memorized in the way that she would stand when nervous.

Once he’d had adequate time to take in her appearance, she softly assured him, “I’m here Kaz. It’s me”.

“I thought…” his voice broke and he cleared his throat as to not sound weak when speaking again.

“I lost you” He stated, eyes furrowed as he looked at her.

“Kaz you didn’t-“ she sighed sympathetically as she scanned the pain in his features.

“Yes I did” He corrected, sitting down when his legs shook.

“Losing you was a nightmare that I begged every day to awake from." He admitted, resting his sweaty forehead in his gloved palms as he propped himself up with the support of his desk.

She drug over a chair, her chair that was across the room when she’d arrived.

Sitting beside him without touching him, she spoke softly, “you’ve awakened from it now Kaz. I’m so sorry it to me so long to-“.

“How?” He cut in, eyes dazed as he looked at her.

“How?” She asked, uncertain which topic he was referencing.

“How did you survive? You- he cleared his throat you stopped breathing and the … blood..” he whispered, his gravely voice thicker than normal.

She nodded, “Nina’s friend, Lieke, from the little palace? Well, she happened to be nearby”.

“She’s a heartrenderer?” Kaz asked, racking his brain to see if he already knew this.

Y/n nodded again, “I’d never met her, but Lieke said she owed Nina a favor”.

Kaz was silent as his mind tried to play through it to make sure this wasn’t some twisted scheme.

Y/n knew from the look on his face what he was doing

So, she continued her weak attempt at explaining the situation she barely came to terms with herself.

“I guess she recognized me and us all, thanks to Nina’s stories and your reputation, so when she saw me … fall…” she whispered.

“She waited until it was safe and then she took me in and patched me up. She said I wasn’t awake for a few days… So,.. so I had a late start getting here. I’m sorry-” y/n frowned.

“Don’t” Kaz barked harshly, closing his eyes in guilt at his outburst.

After a moment of tense silence, he took a shaky breath and continued.

“Do not apologize for that” Kaz demanded, “I don’t care how long it took”.

She gave him a thankful timid smile as he glanced up at her.

“I shouldn’t have left you” he said, his voice laced with guilt.

“Kaz, you thought-” she argued, her voice far more sympathetic than Kaz felt he deserved.

“I know what I thought” he snapped, his eyes glazing over again.

“There is no greater terror than watching something you love fall right in front of your eyes” Kaz remarked, staring straight ahead.

“L-love?” Y/n asked, a small gasp escaping her lips.

He nodded once firmly, moving so his eyes were now staring into hers.

She knew he loved her but he hadn’t been able to say it before.

“I love you too Kaz. I’m here, you can breathe now” she calmly said, giving him a tender smile.

Kaz stared at her silently.

He needed to say it.

He wanted to say it.

He thought he had missed his chance before.

He couldn’t risk missing it again now that she was here.

This wasn’t how he thought he’d finally say it to her whenever he found the nerve to.

But, he supposed it was also kinda fitting for them.

“I do” he started, taking a deep inhale upon seeing her confusion, “I do ..love you.”

Her lips snapped up into a wide grin as she gazed lovingly back at him.

“I love you” Kaz repeated, more confidently this time.

She stood up beside his desk, setting her wrist out on his table again.

Kaz glanced at her before tugging off his gloves and gripping her wrist, fingers splayed crossed her pulse.

He closed his eyes as he fought the urge to puke.

But, as his fingers met her skin, her warmth and steady heartbeat under his fingertips was distraction enough.

And the fact it meant she was here and alive was rewarding and calming to him.

When he opened his eyes he saw she’d been switching between watching him and looking at the room.

Kaz instantly became aware of the state of his room.

He felt kiss cheeks warm faintly, “I’ll clean it up”.

She shook her head, tentatively reaching her fingers toward his forehead.

They had touched more than this before, but he was appreciative that she was cautious given everything that’d transpired the last week.

He wasn’t sure how he’d react either.

He nodded at her in approval and his heart fluttered warmly as she delicately pushed some stray hairs from his forehead.

For a few minutes they silently stared at each other, staying like that with her fingers minimally touching his forehead.

“I can’t imagine what you’ve been feeling Kaz” she told him sorrowfully.

Dirtyhands fought with him to stay silent, the way he’d done since the incident happened.

Yet, the fragmented pieces of Kaz Rietveld crawled their way through his walls and told him to open up to her.

He could see the look in her eyes and knew from the tone of her voice that she wanted to understand how he’d been since they last were together.

So, despite his reluctance, he let the pieces of his former self - the ones he thought had died with her-reignite.

“I wanted to scream” he began shyly.

“ I wanted to burst into tears, I wanted to die, but all I could do was stare at the wall in silence and drink” Kaz admitted, motioning to the bottles scattering the floor.

She hummed softly, moving her hand that was near his forehead to place it on top of his hand that had been resting in her other palm.

Kaz closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, but as she went to pull away, he pressed his other hand over hers silently to keep it in place.

When he reopened his eyes he lifted a hand up to cup her cheek, “you’re here”.

She moved closer, “I am. I’m here”.

Kaz gave her cheek a tender stroke with his thumb as he offered her a smile; the kind only she ever got to see.

“No more rooftops” Kaz said, abruptly pulling back and writing something on a piece of paper he grabbed from the floor.

Y/n smirked and rolled her eyes.

Normally she’d argue with him about his overprotective behavior, but she knew better.

She didn’t want to imagine how she’d have been if the roles were reversed.

So instead, she nodded slowly when he looked up at her waiting on her annoyed argument he expected.

He let out a soft sigh of relief and gave her a small nod before he resumed scribbling, “The heartrender was Lieke, you said?”

Y/n smiled and nodded, “Lieke Abspoel. Super nice, from the Little Palace. That’s all I’ve got. Nina probably has more information on her.”

Kaz nodded and made a note to have Zenik bring this heartrender to him later.

For now, he planned to let himself enjoy the moment.

Sensing he was staring at her as she looked around the room, y/n turned back to him.

Smiling softly she walked to the bookshelf across the room and grabbed the hard spine of a book.

Kaz only realized in that moment that when he’d been staring off at the wall, he has actually been staring at that particular book without realizing it.

When she sat on the ledge of his window perch, Kaz routinely joined her, taking the book from her hands.

As he read the title, he felt his face warm and he grinned faintly.

The book he’d been unknowingly staring at the whole time was her favorite book.

Of course it was.

Dirtyhands wanted to smack himself for the loving and soft thoughts floating through his mind right now, but Kaz didn’t care.

He was just glad he hasn’t an actually lost her.

After reading the first line, he abruptly stood up and placed the book down.

Y/n watched in confusion as he dragged his desk chair over to her.

With her nonverbal approval, Kaz tenderly lifted her leg up onto it.

He glanced from the injured leg to her face and she smiled reassuringly “she could only do so much, she said it’ll take another week or so to fully set, but it doesn’t hurt”.

“You shouldn’t have walked here “ Kaz told her, almost scolding her.

She shook her head, “I needed to see you, couldn’t have you thinking you should be moving on without me”.

His eyes snapped to hers and he gave her a firm stare even if she’d been teasing, he wasn’t, “that wouldn’t ever happen”.

She hummed softly and nodded.

He slowly rejoined her, opening the book and holding it just above her leg closest to him as he prepared to read to her.

While he knew things would likely return to normal in the coming weeks, he would always cherish this moment.

Kaz had his girl back.

And now, he knew of additional ways to keep her safe.

Including, perhaps hiring a second heartrender to be on call should the need arise.

Kaz Brekker Navigation/Masterlist

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Current tag list (comment here to added): @directioner5life @ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @brekkershadowsinger @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx

#kaz brekker x fem!reader #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker #kazzle dazzle #kaz brekker angst #kaz brekker hurt comfort #hurt to comfort #grishaverse #grisha #kax brekker fanfic #kaz brekker oneshot #shadow and bone #shadow and bone kaz brekker #sab #sab kaz brekker #six of crows imagines #six of crows x reader #six of crows duology #six of crows #kaz brekker soc #soc #soc angst #original post #kaz brekker x oc #kaz brekker imagine #kaz rietveld

[subskz]

omg so ik it’s probably just a joke post but i’m curious now what you think as the author of buttefly bandage; do you think bb!chan is actually worse than bb!reader? or are they equally as bad?

ohoho what an interesting question! thank you for asking 😽

i think it ultimately depends on what you consider to be worse, bc their issues are the same at their core, but manifest in different ways. chan is better than the reader in terms of emotional openness and willingness to be vulnerable w her. he’s the first one to open up to her, to release his emotions, cry, and allow himself to be comforted by her. however chan is much worse than her in the self-sacrificing (and to be honest, the self-loathing) department. he made the first breakthrough in sharing his struggles w the reader, but he allowed the guilt of leaning on her to consume him immediately after, which turned all his usual self-sabotaging behavior up to a 100 bc he felt like he had to make it up to her for daring to have a moment where he needed support for once. he doesn’t believe he deserves the reader’s love and care, and he doesn’t see why she’d love him if he isn’t useful to her, bc that’s the only way he’s ever known how to receive love

the reader is better than chan when it comes to acknowledging how she’s been mistreated by others as well as how her skewed approach to relationships harms both herself and her loved ones. she’s more self aware than him and a lil more bitter abt what she’s been through, which is why her view of love is so cynical at the beginning of bb. she’s able to console chan in bb3 and strive for a change in his behavior bc she wants to break the cycle of unhealthy relationships. however, that requires her to let down her own walls as well, and she’s a lot worse than channie in the emotional openness department bc she’s been conditioned to believe that seeking comfort in others will always end badly for her, bc of the kinds of ppl she's been surrounded by her whole life. she's accustomed to her feelings being used against her and feels selfish for having them, and she lost the only person (her best friend) who she was ever able to express her emotions with

so channie is able to open up to the reader, but not able to change himself out of fear of being unlovable if he isn’t constantly sacrificing himself. the reader longs to change herself, but is unable to open up bc she fears the vulnerability that it entails. i guess that’s why they need each other, to fill in the gaps where the other lacks! they fit together like pieces of a puzzle~

in my personal opinion channie is a lil worse, bc the way he treats himself is actively harmful and has more serious consequences on his life that he never seems to learn from no matter how much he gets hurt…but maybe the same could he said abt the reader? they're both just a bit stubborn in their own right hehe

#ask

[prettyrealm]

ateez san reputation reading

this reading is a paid commission, thank you so much for trusting in me! <3

female idols:

they see him as someone honorable and friendly, they think he’s smart and he may offer up good career advice or tips (most likely unprovoked) & have the impression that he’s always willing to help out (without ulterior motives, they feel he’s genuine even if his advice can be unsolicited at times), they make view him as quite serious, some may see him as very loving or as an ideal partner and want to date him - maybe even projecting romantic fantasies onto him, they gossip about it him quite a bit, they may see him as more modest and humble than other men in the industry and think that he has his head on straight (he could come off as more serious and career-oriented than most - they probably don’t see him at too many social events outside of work and in turn view him as less rowdy or fuckboy-ish), they see him as super devoted and dedicated to whatever he believes in and believes he wants to empower others, but at the same time, they may think he’s elitist about this (only helps those he deems worthy) or that he only acts this way for praise, or that he can be too one track minded in this sense. they definitely see him as different and not the type to conform or fall victim to peer pressure, they think he’s practical in his approach to things, they don’t think he’s going to change any time soon & may think he has more self respect than other men in the industry.

male idols:

some may think he’s flaky or hard to get in contact with (it’s like he’s like “yeah we’ll hang out friday… or next friday.. or next next friday” and then it becomes weeks of them just never linking up), they think he may have funny reactions to things, they think he’s emotional, some may think he has anxiety or is on the verge of some kind of breakdown (or he has had one that they know about), they think he’s really stuck in the past and or is really upset about something he lost and focuses on this a lot, they think he was much happier back then and that something happened that dimmed his light - an obvious shift in personality or behavior, they think he moves too fast and isn’t living in the moment (like he wants to fast forward life), maybe he talks about moving on and growing past things to the point where it sounds like coping and they just know he’s actively going through something, they think he’s disciplined and not the type to self sabotage, they think he flirts with people a lot, they think he likes to mentor people and share his knowledge (helpful to other idols behind the scenes), but at the same time, they may think he likes to keep people indebted to him in this way or only does this with the assumption that they’ll have his back or like him more.

staff:

motivated and goal-oriented, they think he’s gone through something bad and is still working through it, they see him as someone who had has learned a lot of life lessons in his idol career, which in turn has made him colder, but more realistic about the industry he’s navigating, they think he can be emotional & moody or temperamental (they think he can have extreme feelings that quickly go from high to low), they think he’s a slave to a certain mindset or code that doesn’t allow him to truly make his own choices & that it has made him obsessed with living his life a certain way, they think he doesn’t really do what he wants and isn’t truly thinking as freely as he may claims to, (i don’t think this is his company controlling him or anything, it’s like something or someone got into his head, maybe a motivational speaker that he looks up to or self-help/motivation books. idk exactly what but it’s along those lines), they see him as someone with a lot of willpower and determination who will have a prosperous future because of it, they think he can be a bit wishy washy and not loyal, they think that he may judge people harshly and only help those who he deems worthy but even with this, they think that he is a good mentor to other idols because he knows how to do his job well.

#tarot #kpop tarot #kpop readings #kpop #celebrity tarot reading #celebrity tarot #reputation #reputation reading #ateez san #choi san #san #piano tarot #comission

[sweetlolabutton]

The Dreamy Alternative Country Guy

This guy has lost his ever loving mind.

After a week of pet names and even him calling me a love bug, he is accusing me of trying to get him to tell me that he loves me.

Not only did I take this as an 'uh oh' I like this guy so I should back off. Maybe I am coming off strong without knowing it and calling him babe. I change the nickname and he unfriends me.

My issue is why in the hell would I want someone to tell me they love me after a week.

His reason: I said love. The word.

Example:

How are you doing love?

That's great to hear, I'm happy for ya love.

Despite the other pet names of dude, bro, babe, and overall saying his name. When he called me love bug in the beginning I took no mind to it. Just flirty ya know. I like flirting with someone I'm interested in. Especially after the way we chatted, it was really nice and refreshing to hang out with him.

But for me to even love someone after a week wouldn't happen. It hasn't ever happened like that.

I either get really interested and be like come over and be bored with me. Something and chat (this excludes fuck boys or steamy nights I've had in the past) about things that matter to us and around us. -or- I simply disassociate after too many disappoints or misunderstandings.

So for one second for someone to say I want attention, loyalty, dates, and even trust, then when I work on being more accountable by changing my behavior there is something else that I missed.

I can't see myself getting that impatient with someone I'm interested in after they let me know what's going on with them. I wouldn't yell, I'd console them and find it endearing that they are a smidge concerned. They've probably been thru something that I get so it's all good as long as we talk it out. I learned that again with this guy so after I had a judgment episode is when I found out who his babymomma was (mind you, never knew who she was so I have no clue how I'd know).

Guys that act overly interested by saying they want me or thinking that I 'may' be the woman they need in their life bugs me. Not trying to be egotical like it happens all the time but it just freaks me out because I've fallen for that trap before. I stuck around.

It never ended well. Not even trying to think about it I reflect on my actions, be accountsble and extend my apologies.

I don't know. Had really high hopes that maybe I could chill with this guy snd see where things go and can't help but laugh at how I've fallen.

In the most positive way I have matured to realizing I don't just like anybody and everybody. So when I do and I get a sense of rejection, it's internal because of self sabotage being a demon of mine to battle. Find it if weird if you want, its a matter of he made me feel seen and I couldn't help but feel comfortable with him.

A part of me keeps saying shut up. Another part of me is saying it wouldn't hurt to try since its all been a misunderstanding. Then that feels like that's too much.

How do you make and or keep adult friends that even though you're interested in talking, you can keep your cool by working things out.

Then the story ends snd I realize it feels good to get this off my mind. The guy I like honestly talked with me the whole time, we gazed at the stars/sky, I gamed here and there he would sing his country music/youtube documentaries. We sat in his room chatting while he played Skyrim for a bit, I snuggled up by his legs a bit after giving him a big hug. My heart was settled in nicely to a cool person.

Since I don't go out a lot there are a few things I've noticed with people I meet or had a friendship with, my heart rate. Where my mindset goes and especially how well I sleep matters in these circumstances. It was cool because others I've met has made every moment awkward.

So whether this journey continues or not will be out of sheer luck and me not texting him again. We kinda exchanged phone numbers too because again, we kinda said we would be going out on adventures here and there. All the while I was his babygirl.

So I don't know. I've said my peace.

No more paragraphs. Tired of chasing snd honestky, sitting on Tinder for no reason to make myself 'feel better' because its like oh well. Who would wanna stick around anyways? Delete the app after like 2 days to see how many bots or non-commital dudes are in the area and then try to get back to reality.

Funny how the last guy I kissed, we both had the same goal in mind. Mainly on how we didn't make it sexual but intimate with talking, vibing, and cuddling. I slept so sweet it was kind of a shock to me. Even if I turned in my sleep, he would turn right along with me and hold me closer. Vice versa aha he would snuggle back into me and hold me hand until he settled in.

I describe this because these are the cute fucking moments ever.

What gave him brownie points was not being primal like other guys have been. I get hot for gentlemen with a hint of rugged, sue me. I could go on and on about a 'type.' In short I am just at a loss of what comes next to not be labeled the 'psycho' used up slutty chick that's been single on purpose for 3 years because each time she goes on a 'date' and she is cool with her sexuality in the single world (for both consenting parties), then they decide to ghost her and say its her because they're busy after talking to you for a minimun of 2 weeks to a month or knowing them for years to have liked the person, you're too busy for them now.

Punk. Ass. Bitch.

Okay damn it, this is what gets people. Its the overload of attention, whether you give it a lot or not - find similar interests, blah blah and the week progresses. Next thing you know they're dropping hints how they are having first with you like you're this special case. You express how you don't always feel attractive and especially haven't been trying - sends picture. Oh you're cute. Exactly lol just cute.

I mean this in the best way because it was the conversations that made the date for me. We really seemed to click.

Should I be thinking about this guy since I'm single? No. Do I wish him harm? No.

Even whmith thinking he straight blocked me and saying that I hope karma kicks him in the ass, come to find out someone out there got his entire account under review. I apologized for the irony but of course made myself look worse because I'm good at that.

I am not meant to have romance nor communicate lol

#dating journal entry #18+ post #2024 dating #anonymous #being accountable #taking responsibility #making at effort matters

[magpiesbones]

just. all the characters in witch hat are so good? and the art is fucking amazing holy shit

but just. Coco and her outsider view on all magic that ricochets from “this is the coolest thing ever” to “wait why is that a rule” and Qifrey and his Incomprehensible but existent moral code that seems to be based on the sunk cost fallacy and Agott and her perfectionism and Tetia and her delight in gratitude and Richeh and her fear of unwanted growth and Olruggio and his insistence on following the rules that goes out the window if he cares about someone

like they‘re all SUCH good characters and they all illustrate one or more of the failures of witch society (Tetia isn’t super obvious or maybe I haven’t read enough to know but she definitely feels like someone who is trying to be the antithesis of something) and just aaaaaaaa

this WAS just going to be a little rant but now I think this could be a sort of meta and i think it Will. not a super detailed one because I don’t really feel like pulling sources so if you know you know and if you don’t welllll spoiler warning up to chapter 45???

so, obviously coco is the outsider view and she’s so full of wonder over magic and its possibilities even though she knows the other possibilities of magic (her mom, Romonon, Euni, etc) and the thing about Coco is that she believes that she can do anything with magic even after evidence to the contrary and she’s (and Qifrey and Coustas too, I suppose? I’m not caught up) going to prove that nonwitches can and should be allowed to learn magic, and that the barriers to learning benefit no one (it’s not like there Aren’t still brimhats, it’s just harder to combat brimhat magic)

and then (because I’m going by order of introduction) there’s Qifrey, who is. complicated. Qifrey is made of hubris and regret and vigilante justice (rereading chapter two after chapter forty gives a bit of Extra Thought) and doesn’t want to tone any of it down because this is a man who thinks that if he Deals With It it won‘t bother anyone else. This is a man who does not understand a support network, not that it’s really his fault since he’s never had one that is not undercut by the Knights Moralis. He had One traumatic event occur and then the entire rest of his life has been dealing with the aftermath of this event he barely remembers, and even tho his treatment at the hands of the witches has been genuinely not great they still think they’re doing fantastic by him because they gave him the gift of magic. He is quite clearly a foil for Coco as they’re both outsiders, but Qifrey is what happens when someone would rather have good intentions than good parenting skills. This does Not excuse his behavior since I’m not apologizing for anything and also because this man is a literary device, and he is a fucking personification of the Worst consequences of isolationism on witch society. anyways this is a man who is trying his best and also who has deep issues, some of which are self esteem and others of which are anger, and he’s making mistakes.

now. Agott. I love her. This girl is a tightly pressurized container of perfectionism and spite and she is Going To Follow The Rules. Except there aren’t rules and people aren’t going to like her more if she gets everything right. she wants to be the best because she too is a consequence of isolationist witch society except she is a consequence of failed meritocracy. Agott genuinely believes the best of all witches or people who she sees as smarter than her, which is why she doesn’t understand that people Will lie to sabotage her (not sure how explicit it was but the vibe I got from Agott Backstory is that someone lied to keep her out of Arklaum Atelier), and she thinks the primary objective of everyone is to get as far up in witch society as they can on their own merit. This is a girl who did not know about nepotism and is now deeply disillusioned, which is partly something she can be because she was so privileged within witch society. She was the best because she had to be and because she had to be she was allowed to be, which now that I wrote it is a very convoluted sentence and yet the heart of Agott’s issues. She is a feedback loop of perfectionism.

Tetia: I live in hope of Tetia backstory. I don‘t know a ton about her so i can’t really analyze her But I didn’t want to leave her out.

Richeh is a consequence of the loss of creativity inherent when you have such an intrinsic Right Way To Do Things. she does things that are genuinely impossible if she tried to do them the Correct way (windowways in particular) and her fear of growth sort of mirrors the entire society’s fear of growth after traumatic incident (brimhats vs That Man) except she is letting go of it and growing and experiencing resolution in a way that other characters really haven’t.

Olruggio is absolutely wild because this is a man who is meant to report directly to witch police except he just, like, doesn’t. It’s sort of implied that he was some sort of prodigy (in ch 34-39, by Hiehart and Utowin) and it’s definitely implied that he doesn’t like being the focus of attention, so I’m going to say that he and Agott are foils. Most of what I know of Olruggio’s backstory is Blatant implication and headcanon even tho I know new chapters I haven’t gotten to yet have a little more info. I Will say that Olruggio’s technically police-adjacent role and his apparent ideaology of ‘I only break rules when I think they are dumb’ is a pretty pointed reflection of the Knights and their ‘brimhat magic is bad except when it’s useful to us’.

#ANYWAYS #witch hat #can you tell Agott and qifrey are my favorites #This is more of an extended rant than a meta #Really I got into this series for the art and stayed for the characters and the Story goddamn #anyway I’m sure I’m missing important tropes and stuff but seeing as I never pulled quotes it’s really quite casual #probing character psychoanalysis and musing on the use of characters to reflect worldbuilding #which is hmm delicious #long post #…sorry #witch hat atelier #tongari boushi no atelier

[everythingthemoontouches]

Hola my loves 💙 this is a quick energy check in for whenever you see this timeless reading. Made with lots of love and care, I wish you a great day / week😚 💖✨

🎨🎭Moodboards for each Pile coming soon - turn on notifications to know when it's up☺️

🦋💕Pick a cards list 🎴✨

Cake Pile 🎂💖

I see you emerging victorious. You may get some good news soon. Be wary of people who seek to benefit off your success.

Keep your inner circle close and confidential.

🐍Be on the lookout for betrayal. A friend or supposed well wisher could be secretly jealous.

When you're successful people will immediately want to cast their lot in with yours but the mob will quickly turn against You if you mess up. Be wise. Don't let success go to your head🧠 Stay calm, and confident. Enjoy your wins for you've earned them ❤️

💫Star Pile

Everyone bitches about the boss. Don't take it personally - Matthew to Amy

I see you taking greater control of your life and incorporating more structure and discipline. Learning to be firm with your time, resources and boundaries. Doing what's best in the long run even if you have to make some sacrifices along the way. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. Responsible people are the least liked but that's why there's only one king for a population of thousands. Do your duty without worry if being liked. Best not to make enemies along the way but be firm and be righteous. Divine masculine energy. Authority. Power and control. Good judgement. Law abiding figure. Strict moral and legal code. You might wanna keep an eye on the expenses.

I once knew a man who was heir to the throne of a great kingdom, he lived as a ranger and fought his destiny to sit on a throne but in his blood he was a king. I also knew a man who was the king of a small kingdom, it was very small and his throne very humble but he and his people were all brave and worthy conquerors. And I knew a man who sat on a magnificent throne of a big and majestic kingdom, but he was not a king at all, he was only a cowardly steward. If you are the king of a great kingdom, you will always be the only king though you live in the bushes. If you are the king of a small kingdom, you can lead your people in worth and honor and together conquer anything. And if you are not a king, though you sit on the king’s throne and drape yourself in many fine robes of silk and velvet, you are still not the king and you will never be one.

- C. JoyBell C.

🌈Rainbow pines

Sneaky business going on with you? Do you feel uneasy around some people? Trust your gut. Is there something you're hiding? I'd originally intended to pick out ribbons for this Pile but heard rainbow - some of you could still be in the closet and feeling more discontent about having to lie? A parent or authority figure may be concerned about you - is there someone you could confide in? Just be responsible and discerning if you're a minor still living with your parents if you think it could go downhill.

If this sneakiness refers to shirking off duties for school or work, your absences are not going unnoticed.

Be forewarned. Stop doing sneaky shit and use your wits. For some of you this could also be a message that some of the memories of pain you're carrying are doing more harm than good and it's best to ditch those memories in the past. Get rid of the excessive baggage. Cut some cords. You may be called to let go of some self destructive thoughts and self sabotaging behaviors. The subtle art of not giving a fuck is an excellent book to pick up if you haven't read it yet

Moodboard

Quotes

Hugs and kisses

💜💙💚💛🧡❤️ 💖

Your glocal tarot reader

Jahn 💖

Please like / reblog if this resonates 🌄

#Pac #Pick a Card #Tarot readings #General guidance #Pick a pile #Pick a picture #Free tarot #Tarot readers #Celebrate #6 of wands #Self sabotage #7 of swords #Celebrate your wins #Frenemies #Jealousy #Spirit guide messages #Tarot blog #Intuitive #Automatic writing #Boss #Rally against soemthing #Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown #Lgbtq #Inclusion #Coming out #Living in the closet #Indian LGBTq Community #Responsible #Making the hard decisions

[masterthespianduchovny]

I’m going to be honest: I dislike Nate right now.

And that’s perfectly fine.

I understand that this show loves to redeem people, however, as I said in another post, you can only redeem someone if there are negative feelings and/or you believe that person wronged someone or whatever. If you have positive feelings and excuse what they did, what exactly are they being redeemed for?

Despite loving Rebecca’s character, when I rewatch season one, I don’t like her at times. I dislike a lot of what she did back then. It doesn’t matter that I know she tells the truth eventually, the stuff she did was still fucked up. I’m not going to preemptively excuse her actions because I know the end goal.

Take Jamie for instance, his behavior was not okay. We know why he behaves that way, but it still wasn’t justified. We are still allowed to dislike him and what he did then. We talk about the negative effects of the bullying Nate received from the players, yet some try to excuse Nate’s bullying and his actions?

Wrong is wrong. Jamie being verbally abused by his dad didn’t justify how he treated others just like how Nate’s father (and bullying by others) is emotionally abusive doesn’t justify Nate’s behavior.

Although we understand the context, Nate IS being a fucking backstabbing asshole right now. Some may hate to hear that, but this isn’t an unfair opinion or unflattering light of him. This is exactly how he’s behaving.

There are some who has a ton of sympathy for Nate, but I’m not one of them. Please believe, I do hold some sympathy for him, but I have a limit.

So here’s reasons why Nate is on my shitlist and I’ll wait until he’s actually redeemed to forgive him.

1. Calling Rebecca a shrew. It’s not the fact that he literally called Rebecca this, but that he immediately verbally attacked the woman. We can say, “oh no, she’s the owner so he had reasons to think…”

No, Nate literally attacked Rebecca for no reason at all. She had little to no interaction with him and has never disrespected or harmed him in anyway, yet he has these intense feelings of dislike in the moment based off what exactly?

Nate attacked Rebecca because she is a woman. If you disagree, what other reason it might be? The reason I believe it was due to her gender is because she’s been defanged so to speak. So he doesn’t fear her like he used to. But Nate also practices in casual misogyny ie his shoe remark to Rebecca and Keeley. That may not seem like a big thing, but how is that an involuntary response??? With him believing he got fired, he doesn’t wait for answers, he immediately attacks her. And I had to ask myself, would he have done this with a man? With someone like Rupert? No fucking way. Nate can’t even directly challenge Ted who is a ray of sunshine, but attacks someone who he literally ran away from in fear in the pilot. Although Nate respects power, he respects male power the most. He skipped over Ted and Beard and went straight towards Rebecca. The fact that this even happened has always been disturbing to me. And Nate is fucking lucky that he hasn’t said any of his comments to old Rebecca (not age, but personality. 🥺) because she would have fired him. Only due to her relationship with Ted and him getting to let her guard down and find her old self that she frowned and shrugged Nate’s comments off. Most bosses at the very least would’ve talked to Nate and he didn’t get even that.

2. Projecting his daddy issues onto Ted. I understand that nate is going through some tough shit and has been for literally decades, however, that doesn’t mean make someone your stand in dad because they were nice and kind. Ted treats Nate like he does the other coaches, but Nate wants a special and unique relationship that will never exist. Ted is not his father and he didn’t ask for the job or the responsibilities.

I understand that people go through shit and latch onto those who made the rough times easier. I get that. However, all this animosity, scheming, and resentment because Ted isn’t giving the attention he wants. That fucking unfair to Ted. He didn’t ask or sign up to be Nate’s father figure. Yet he’s being punished for not being something he never wanted to be. Never even thought about it.

And because I’ve seen/partially experienced this shit, people getting mad at you for not being who they projected onto, it makes me upset at Nate. Because people like this really do become resentful and manipulative and that is not okay despite their own hurt that they’re dealing with. Why does the person you projected on have to suffer for something they’re unaware of and have no obligation to fulfill?

Nate isn’t just trying to blow up Ted’s professional career, he’s doing it via one of the cruelest ways: using his mental health against him. Thereby exploiting Ted’s trust in him.

Ted has literally changed Nate’s life for the better and rather than have a man to man talk with him, he cowardly tries to sabotage Ted in one of the worst ways imaginable.

3. His cognitive dissonance about how coaching works!!!

This seriously irritates me because, on some level, Nate knows that the very system he’s criticizing is how it works across ALL team sports and with reason.

He wants to be a damn head coach soooo bad—does he think ideas, plans, plays, etc only comes from head coaches???

What does he think assistants are there for?

For those who aren’t familiar with sports and coaching, literally every team sport has a head coach and then assistants under them. These assistant typically specialize in a given thing.

In American football, I believe there are like defensive coaches, strength and conditioning coaches, etc. there are coaches who watch a lot of tapes to learn the opposition and how to make plays to hold them exploit their weakness and tailor plays around that.

Like on the professional level there are so many types of coaches and, hell, not all of them want to be head coaches. Some of the greatest coaching minds aren’t head coaches.

For example, the American basketball team the Chicago bulls fired their coach Doug Collins in like 1989, I think. He was a good coach, but one of his assistant coaches had a basketball IQ out of this world. Doug refused to listen to him, but management fully supported this assistant coach. Now the other assistant coach they were grooming to take over, Phil Jackson, if you’ve heard of him, DID listen to this basketball genius. So much so that when he became head coach after Doug was fired, he continued to implement The Triangle offense that came from this basketball genius, which Phil was known for until he retired.

Nate’s upset that Ted gets all the credit for if they win, he does realize that Ted also gets all the blame for if they lose. Ted has always highlighted his coaching staff and everyone who helped him. He has always stressed that he wouldn’t be where he is without them. And when he loses, he takes full ownership. He doesn’t pass the blame at all.

Does Nate seem like someone who’d take ownership for losing?

Does Nate seem like someone, at this moment, who’d appropriately give credit to assistant or anyone else who helped him?

Would he even listen?

What makes Ted a great coach is that he gives others opportunities to step up to the plate and if/when they succeed, he allows them to shine.

Ted sees the fuller picture, for the most part, and knows how to address his weaknesses and who’s stronger than him in what area. He realized that the team needed a presence like Roy on the team. He knew he needed someone like beard who could absorb insane amounts of knowledge. He saw that Nate had potential coaching ability.

But Nate doesn’t understand the importance or value of this. He also doesn’t understand how instrumental Ted’s philosophy has been in transforming the culture of the team. That this is also a reason why the team is playing better.

So like, yeah, I’ll forgive Nate when he’s redeemed. But these three things are what really irks me about him. Just because I understand why he is acting this way doesn’t mean I have to excuse it when he’s being a dick to others, complaining about shit only due to his ego, and doing fucked up shit like leaking someone’s mental health struggles so he can gain an advantage over them.

Does he think that if Ted leaves/gets fired that he’s getting the job??? I mean hopefully whatever he has going on with Rupert works out (before it inevitably goes wrong) because this isn’t going to turn out how he thinks it will.

#ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #Nate Shelley #I wonder if Rupert is trying to get Richmond back and has some big master plan #I do not want that to happen of course #but what is he planning #probably trying to steal Nate away #and if that’s the case #good riddance #lol #Nate can come back once he calms down and gets himself together

[nativehueofresolution]

i think it’s so fascinating how mj is someone who is naturally empathetic and easily picks up on the feelings of others, but she is not someone for whom being kind is always easy or automatic. it’s a skill she has to work for, and something she gets better at as she grows. and it’s part of why i love her so much.

(image heavy meta under the cut)

mj in general is uncannily perceptive and finds it second nature to put herself in someone else’s shoes--part of the reason being an actress makes perfect sense for her character. in spectacular spider-man 85, there’s a small gag where mj tells peter he looks troubled, and peter responds “tell me about it”, only for mj to go “okay!” and immediately list off the reasons why he’s upset. peter notes that mary jane “read [him] like a book” (keep in mind at this point they’d been broken up after peter’s failed first proposal and had fallen out of touch, and mj still doesn’t miss a step). 

with peter/mj being one of the cornerstone relationships for spider-man, it’s not hard to find moments throughout their time together where mj reads peter in a way no one else can--she’s one of the few people in the world that peter completely opens up to. but i think it’s notable that she still is attuned to peter’s emotions before they become close. she’s there for peter as they grieve over gwen together--most famously in the epilogue for tasm #122, but also in lots of smaller ways. she’s the only one who notices peter struggling to get through school after gwen passes, and she seeks him out when he isolates himself, repeatedly inviting him out of his shell.

(tasm #124)

but we don’t just see her do this with peter; she also steps in to help liz after harry dies, despite the way their relationship fractured once mary jane started suspecting harry was acting as the goblin.

(web of spider-man #101)

she sees past may’s folksy surface and seeming frailty, acknowledging the many difficulties she’s endured and the will of steel she has.

(spectacular spider-man #186)

she uses her class clown routine to help cheer gwen up after her father dies.

notably, she also is the first one to realize gwen has run off after flash gets into a fight, and she volunteers to be the one to go after gwen--admitting that even though it’s unlikely she’ll get through to gwen, she still feels like she has to try. meanwhile peter, the guy gwen was on the verge of marrying, was too caught up in his own feelings to check in with her.

(spider-man: death and destiny #2)

she defends peter and harry for being standoffish after gwen dies and harry overdoses.

(tasm #125)

she has a real sense for when people are hurting or in need, and when you put all of this together, mj starts to sound like a saint. and she is an incredibly compassionate and supportive person! but harry’s above reaction- while cruel and possessive -- isn’t coming out of nowhere. the end of their relationship was pretty terrible. mary jane flirted with peter a lot after gwen left him to go to england, and it clearly made harry feel hurt. there are lots of ways you can interpret her actions--she never considered their relationship to be serious, her feelings for peter were already present, she was trying to give harry a reason to end things between them. x-men/spider-man #1 has gwen suggest it’s a sort a reverse psychology mind trick to keep harry’s attention on her (something peter also suggests in another issue), and mj more or less agrees with her. regardless of her motive, she’s told multiple times that her behavior is hurting harry, and she keeps doing it. his anxiety about their relationship is part of what leads to him to start taking drugs. when she does eventually dump him, mj tells harry he’s “always been good for a few laughs”, but shouldn’t let it go to his head... words clearly designed to sting.

to be absolutely clear, harry had lots of his own issues that had nothing to do with her (including his deep insecurity that could often make him an insecure jerk), and mary jane isn’t responsible for anyone’s actions besides her own. but i do think it’s notable that she was dismissive of harry’s feelings and the fact she was hurting him, even though it’s repeatedly made clear in other issues mj does love harry as a friend; interestingly, she also had similar, though less extreme, behavior with flash when she and peter were dating.

(mj in tasm #97 / mj in tasm #162)

the difference here is that we get more insight into mj’s feelings and mindset, as her character has become more developed. when peter confronts flash about flirting with his girlfriend, he learns mary jane had been hiding the fact she and peter were seeing one another from flash. both of them are upset (peter acts just as petty and jealous as harry did), and mj describes just seeing peter again as “something that took more courage than i thought i had”. but she shows up anyways, and she and peter actually communicate with one another.

(tasm #165)

mj flirting with flash is just a reaction to all the messy and contradictory feelings being that come with being in a relationship, and the specific issues that are present in a relationship with peter. but the fact that she can explain all of this peter shows she’s still pretty in touch with her emotions, and it seems like a part of her suspected all along something like this would happen, as she tells betty in tasm #130 that she doesn’t want to fall in love with peter because she likes him too much. she’d rather keep things simple, even if it damages the relationship.

(also, just to be clear-- mj wants a real relationship. in web of spider-man #6, when she and peter are split up, she bemoans her single life and thinks longingly of what it would be like to be married and start a family. of what it’d be like to be with peter. but she cuts herself from this dreaming, because she says it’s useless to think of something she’ll never be brave enough to pursue.)

another prime example of this ‘being alone is easier’ attitude is how she acts around her sister gayle - whether it be leaving her to do the chores while she danced and played when they were growing up, or refusing to live with gayle after their mom died and running off to aunt anna’s. by the time we get to mj’s backstory, we as readers have started to get inside her head and listen to her inner monologues, so we know at this point that mary jane cares deeply about her loved ones and is acting out of fear and self-preservation because of the trauma she’s been through. but mj is also careful to show none of that to her sister, instead just putting up a “party girl” wall.

(spider-man: parallel lives)

mary jane is, once again, the only one noticing her brother-in-law feels trapped by the news of expecting a child, and it reminds her all the abandonment and forgotten dreams that have caused her family so much pain. in this case, empathizing with timmy - seeing his pain - caused mary jane to rudely brush off her pregnant sister, because she couldn’t handle being vulnerable about her feelings or getting involved in another tense family fight. it’s easier just to keep them at arm’s length.

(spider-man: parallel lives)

yes, mj can read people... but that doesn’t automatically mean she’s going to know how or even want to reach out to them. that’s the emotionally heavy stuff we know terrifies her. she’s just as likely to self-sabotage as she is to reach out to someone if she knows they’re dealing with something serious.

why do i bring this up? because it makes mj a richer, more human character, and it also makes her acts of kindness even more meaningful. it is very hard for mj to let herself become emotionally involved. even when she can read someone is hurting in a situation, she doesn’t automatically become considerate or comforting, even with people she loves.

that’s why her choice in tasm #122 is so outstanding--it’s not what mj wants to do, but she makes the choice to commit to peter and stay there for the hard parts. she chooses to be peter’s friend, she chooses to rekindle their relationship and marry him, she choose to stay with him even when their marriage is harder than she ever imagined. she’s a fierce friend to harry, even after everything that’s happened between them. she welcomes him back to school, she doesn’t give up on him when he’s the goblin, she notices he’s living out of his store when norman cuts him off and makes sure he has a place to go. she becomes so close with may that, after peter’s presumed dead, may calls mj peter’s great gift to her, and the reason she has to keep on living. she helps keep gwen’s memory alive. she chooses the people she loves. the fact that she fails, that she’s scared, doesn’t make her stop trying. she does it over and over again, and that’s what so heroic about her.

(tasm #275)

#mary jane watson #mj watson #petermj #peter x mary jane #spiderman #meta #marvel #kaitlin speaks

[bunny-hoodlum]

Asynchronous With You: Chapter 3

ship: naruhina

rating: teen (this chapter is a little ecchi, but I think it's still T)

tags: Modern Day AU, Foster Siblings, Family, Angst, Unrequited Love, Poor Communication

summary: An awkward journey full of self-denial and missed moments between two foster siblings. Perhaps their love will find the right timing someday.

She didn't know what she was expecting when Kurenai announced that another child would be joining them soon.

He showed up a little smaller than her, with wary blue eyes and uncombed blond hair. He didn't carry anything with him.

The idea of having a forever playmate intrigued her, but after a few weeks it became clear he had no interest in playing, only fighting.

During those times when she managed to get away, she laid down on her bedroom floor curled around a picture book, and thought deeply about magical forests and open meadows. Away from stupid boys and their stupid ways.

And then suddenly he wanted to get rid of Neji. He thought she wanted to be rid of Neji, too. He was going to tattle on Neji really bad and that would be that.

Who taught him that the only way to fix things was to destroy them?

She told him she didn't mind Neji bossing her around. Maybe it's like what she's heard the adults say, that all she needs is structure. Plus, he was the only blood she had. Neji was part of her old normal and she wasn't going to give that up.

She didn't think he would listen. He seemed pretty sure about what he was talking about. But then he didn't tattle after all, and yet the fights seemed even more vigorous.

She found a volume inside herself that she didn't know she had, and it had scared her into her room. Her own ears had boomed. It reminded her of all the yellings she used to receive before Kurenai, and her instincts to hide kicked in.

It wasn't Neji who came after her, but Naruto.

He felt bad about his behavior. But he wanted something in exchange. He couldn't just have nothing after this.

She wasn't sure what 'bugging her' was going to be like, but she's been wanting to get along with him since day one. All because he didn't like Neji, she thought that would never happen.

'Sure,' she told him, and the following afternoon he pinched her arm.

_______________________________

Hinata laid down curled on her bedroom floor just like she used to when she was little.

She shouldn't be here, listening to the sounds coming through the half-inch diameter hole in the wall, his guttural teenage lust spilling over into her sanctum, the exaggerated moans of the other girl stabbing her heart.

He thinks she isn't home right now.

She wants to keep it that way.

Because no matter what he means to her, no matter how much she wants him, it can never happen.

She closes her eyes and pictures herself in the other girl's place. Girl no. 49 she calls her.

She doesn't have the courage to watch, but some twisted part of her wants the torture.

She wants to see a part of Naruto that she'll never have.

_______________________________

After the first girl, some drama had started up at school for Naruto.

She had seen Hinata's shoes in the genkan when she left, but had no idea who they belonged to.

She accused Naruto of sneaking away to invite a different girl to come over.

Now half of the female student body hated him, while the other half wanted to get some for themselves.

Hinata was disappointed to find that he relished in his new reputation as a player, that he would take whatever infamy he got if it gave him what he wanted in this world.

Some timid part of her that remained said, Good for him. After all, he deserved to be happy and enjoy his life.

And yet some shadowy part of her felt she was as good a stranger to him than a sister, seeing as how there could be no room for her as either a sister, a friend or love interest.

She thought to both test him and sabotage him after the fourth girl. Two terribly petty things she thought she would never do.

He knows when she leaves something of hers in his room, it means she wants him to come over.

So she left a pair of panties atop his bed in hopes Girl no. 5 would realize his promiscuity and go home.

It didn't work. Instead it excited Girl no. 5. Her expectations of his skill has risen with the proof that he had a revolving door of hot girls coming in and out of here and they went at it louder and rougher than the first four.

Hinata made sure to disappear before they found out she'd been home. When the coast seemed clear and Hinata feigned nonchalance as she came home, with a weak 'Tadaima' to the only other person home, she did not get the usual greeting.

She crept towards her bedroom, somehow not expecting Naruto to answer her invitation.

He sat at her low table in the middle of her room, the pair she had left behind now sitting atop her comforter.

He couldn't look her in the eyes.

He didn't seem mad, rather dumbfounded.

What a thing to give him when wanting to chat, is probably what was going through his head. Like, maybe she had an ulterior motive she was trying to express to him.

Well, she did, perhaps. This wasn't her ideal way to flirt with him, nor was it how she'd choose to shoot her shot.

She doubted her panties excited him, in the first place.

With a soft sigh, Hinata nodded to herself. She crossed her room without a word, hanging her school bag on the back of her desk chair. Then she approached her bed and picked up her underwear, telling him "Thank you for finding them," before placing them back inside her underwear drawer.

She was rooted to that spot, her hands gripping the trim of her double dresser.

From the corner of her eye, she could see him scratch at his cheek, the way he does when a reply feels too weird to say.

He stood up, and just before reaching the door he mumbled, "Just don't lose them again, okay?"

The door closed behind him, and Hinata's shoulders lowered along the length of her exhale, her stress leaving her like dropping water levels.

Then on a Sunday, when Hinata was invited to a dessert buffet with Sakura and Ino, she found out her favorite linen top with the frilly button trim had shrunk in the dryer.

While uncomfortably snug, she could still button every one but the two across her chest.

Ino loved keyhole cuts, but this would not pass social decency.

She tugged and tugged but still the buttons wouldn't reach their homes. Her eyes burned as a flurry of despair hit her in quick succession.

She was getting older. She was growing up. She was getting bigger. Like, inelegantly bigger. She loved this top. She didn't want to say goodbye to it. She didn't want to say goodbye to a lot of things.

Like choosing where to go for High School.

Something possessed her to walk out of her room and find him. She would play up her little sister role in utter defiance.

"Hinata?" Naruto shot up from the sofa and ran to her side.

"Did you dry my clothes?" More accusation than question, her voice was keened wetly with every consonant. "I can't wear this anymore."

Naruto stood there, sputtering, hands uselessly gesticulating at her ample cleavage.

She's never seen his face so red.

Did he look like this when he was thrusting into his rotation of harem girls?

"U-Uh, maybe it's still okay?" He reached out and gripped the fabric of her shirt, his rough fingers ghosting across her skin. A tingle ran up her spine. His eyes became wild for a second. As if to cover up his embarrassment, he became even more determined to prove he didn't ruin her clothes, but doing so made it worse for the both of them.

The forceful tugging made her breasts bounce in a way he was all too familiar with, but none had ever been as big as hers.

As if catching his dirty thoughts, Naruto released her and ran out of the living room, shouting spastically "I'msorryI'llreplaceit!"

Hinata had placed a hand over her exposed skin, right where he had touched her, and she couldn't fight down a smile, however pained and wistful.

This was probably all she was ever going to get.

She decided to play up the risks today, and forwent a bra, using a velvet cropped jacket to hide her nipples.

She received a lot of compliments that Sunday.

Things like this had happened between her and the object of her adoration and frustration, but nothing ever really changed.

He still brought girls over when he thought she wasn't home.

And she still snuck in to try and be a part of it, to learn more about him, to indulge is some form of masochism she didn't know she had.

It wasn't good for her heart.

And when she and Naruto decided individually that they'd stay with everyone else and go to Konoha Normal High, Hinata decided it was time to get serious about her life.

Her renewed late night phone calls with Neji gave her back her structure.

She started her own club. Called it the Volunteers Association. Basically all they did every Sunday was clean up trash in a pre-chosen location from the crack of dawn until lunch time. Beautifying their hometown was a lesson in gratitude and pride.

She also joined the Public Morals Committee, because it would look good on her resume, not because she’d developed an interest in policing others. It also helped her overcome her fear response to raised voices.

But when she did police others, she learned more and more about other people in a way she never thought she would.

For example, the majority of the porn magazines they confiscated were of G-cup models, with M-cup and C-cup ranking in second and A-cup ranking in last. This told her the preferences of the male student body. How important that information was to her? Well, it kind of helped know which boys to be leery of. She had grown to be a little more realistic about herself: She had curves.

Another example was how many students came to school in a hurry and for what reasons. Most of it was due to oversleeping, which were the result of late-night gaming (like someone else she knows), or excessive studying, or part-time jobs. Few others showed up looking like they had taken a detour to the baseball supply closet to fool around (also like the same someone else she knows).

Running in the halls ensued due to prankish behavior.

Failure to advertise for upcoming club events due to limp commitment or a loss of interest.

When the time came for bag checks, where a teacher would confiscate candy and make-up, that’s where Hinata drew the line. She knew her classmates needed sugar to make it through the day. She advised the pretty girls, the gyaru, even the ones she knew had been in Naruto’s bed, that they could still cheat the system if they were clear lip gloss and neutral colors. That really turned their impression of her around on its head.

To sum it up, everyone was going with the flow, chasing one promise of excitement after another, the future too intangible for them to grasp. Their Springtime of Youth was not over.

The amount of blank career sheets cemented her point.

_______________________________

Hinata collapsed onto a bench as the physical and mental exertion caught up to her.

The school was bustling with a multitude of craft projects as they prepared for their annual School Festival.

As a committee member and Volunteer Associate, she was running herself ragged from classroom to classroom, club to club, helping to ensure that everyone's efforts were going smoothly.

A smooth chill touched her cheek. She opened her eyes. Ino held out a cold water bottle against her heated skin, and Hinata smiled.

"Thank you," Hinata accepted the bottle and held it to her neck. Ino sat down next to her. A series of violent thumps met their ears as an irritated Kiba chased down a gloating Naruto, with Kiba's club materials in his hands. Hinata's voice cracked once she opened her mouth, but Ino's voice rang out in her stead.

"NO RUNNING IN THE HALLS!"

Hinata thanked her again as she sank against the wall and relished in the soothing sensation of her water bottle. She didn't realize she had overworked her voice already, too.

"That one's going nowhere," Ino tsked quietly.

"Who?"

"Naruto-baka. He thinks he can live this way forever. Life'll stop being so funny when he's working behind a convenience store register."

"Cashiers serve an important purpose."

"So you agree he's going to end up a cashier," Ino smirked with a wink.

Hinata opened her mouth to complain, but her will instantly deflated inside of her. Ino laughed at the sequence of emotions that played out across Hinata's face, and the latter simply resumed being exhausted human jello that needed more time to restore her shape.

"A cashier baby daddy with five children, each from a different mom," Ino added.

Hinata tried to blink away the haze steadily overtaking her. "No."

Her chest twisted at the thought.

If that really came to pass, he would take responsibility. He would never leave his own children behind, even if he had to go it alone.

Hinata pressed her free palm against her eyes, her lips trembled even as they tightly pressed into a thin line.

"Hinata?" Came Ino's panicked voice.

"It's just a headache," she lied.

"When was the last time you ate?" Ino barely waited for a response. "I'll go grab some food from the cafeteria and be right back with pain relievers. Just stay right there. And no more shouting. You're done for the day!"

Ino ran off to complete her mission and Hinata couldn't be sure if she was grateful for her absence or even more afraid of it.

Just thinking about Naruto...

She doesn't understand how she still feels about him.

His entire existence hurts her, and she can't name all the ways that he does.

She wants to go back to work.

_______________________________

Hinata never thought her world could turn upside a third time. She never thought her structures could be kicked out from under her.

But then on the opening day of the School Festival, when the school gates are only open for family members, an elementary-aged girl with long, dark brown hair and sharp, lavender eyes came along by herself. A single strand dangled between those discerning eyes as they swept around her surroundings.

Hinata was managing the line outside the maid café, greeting customers in a lilac outfit, when the girl showed up.

Their eyes met.

Hers widened. With surprise. With recognition. With curiosity.

Hinata's eyes were only horrified.

The little girl bounced up to meet her.

Hinata's heart hammered in her ears, it swell to the point of choking. Her vision doubled and smeared. She tried to catch her breath, but nothing, nothing was going in. She tried to breathe faster. They call this air hunger. Her body was cold, prickly.

No. She didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to know.

The little girl eyed her from head to toe, then smirked.

"You really do like mom. But you're a little chubbier than I expected."

AN: Apologies if the third scene's timeline is written in an unclear way. It's supposed to be stuff that happened in sequence prior to the second scene.

Hm! I totally forgot how good it feels to write fanfiction. I literally had a head high the whole time. 😂

I hope you like this chapter! And let me know if I'm doing better at hooks and/or cliffhangers! I haven't looked at any of my activity since the last chapter, so I'm going to respond now if there is anything to respond to, that is.

#naruhina #naruhina fanfiction #modern au #foster sibling au #asynchronous with you fanfiction #chapter 3

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝑌𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟𝑒! 𝐴𝑡𝑒𝑒𝑧: 𝐹𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐹𝑜𝑟 𝑌𝑜𝑢

Disclaimer: In no way am I condoning, justifying, encouraging, supporting nor trying to romanticize yandere behavior and lifestyle. This is all a work of pure fiction not meant to represent real life scenarios.

Warning: Mentions of stalking, kidnapping, and other toxic yandere behavior.

↬↬𝓚𝓲𝓶 𝓗𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓳𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓰↫↫

Spending most of his time in the music room, Hongjoong rarely interacted with people, missed a lot of his other classes. Music was his only passion and love, the only things he ever really knew and cherished.

Recently though, he had been in a little bit of a slump. He could not find inspiration to write anything new. Words would come up, but he could not form any lyrics. Sounds would play in his head, but he couldn't compose a simple melody. It was frustrating and agonizing to him, he was actually about to lose all hope......

And then you came along. He was casually walking, passing through the classrooms, when he heard you, felt your voice penetrate deep in his soul. He had to find out who possessed such seraphic voice, and when he saw you, he was completely enamoured.

And then everything came together. Suddenly he was rushing back to his home, scribbling away and composing what had been on his mind for weeks. He finally found the inspiration he was looking for. He found you, and now that he knew you, he would worship the very ground you walked on. You are his muse.......

And he could never let you get away, or let anyone try to take you away.

↬↬𝓟𝓪𝓻𝓴 𝓢𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝔀𝓪↫↫

Seonghwa was the whole school's heart throb. Every girl was pining for him, doing anything they could to grab his attention. He loved the way they all basked in his glory, how just one wink or smile would make them all swoon and do anything for him.

Not you. For once, someone had actually rejected his advances, never budged to his charms or sweet smiles. Seonghwa was shocked, but not angry. He loved how you presented a little challenge and he was dying to make you crack. But that never happened.

And then he cracked. Desperate to make you his, he ended up spiraling down a web of obsession. He wanted to own you, control you, possess every bit of your mind and body. He would not stop at nothing until he got what he wanted. And he wanted you.

So he started becoming more and more aggressive towards you. Threatening you if you didn't comply to his whims. He hated how you dared to challenge him. So one day, while you were distracted, he took you away and kept you locked away, never to allow you to leave him.

Not until you've learned to submit to him.

↬↬𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸↫↫

When Yunho first saw you, he felt an urging need to make you happy. He saw how alone you were. Being the new student wasn't easy, especially when you had such a dark and mysterious aura around you that made others afraid to get close to you. And you preferred to be alone.

But Yunho was determined to befriend you. He wanted to make you smile, make you happy. He loved spreading happiness and joy to others. Maybe he could rub off some of his sunshine personality on you. Others were scared for him to get close to you, thinking you'd do something bad to him.

In reality, they should be afraid for you. Yunho became incessantly clingy towards you. He was constantly messaging you, calling you, coming over to your house to spend time with you, trying to get close to you. While at first you welcomed his friendship, now it was suffocating. So you tried to put distance between you two, hanging out with other people.

He couldn't handle that. You're his. He saw you first, he reached out to you first. Why are other people trying to take you away from him? He can't handle you slipping from his fingers. He has to get you to stay in any way possible.

Nothing some self harming and guilt tripping can't fix.

↬↬𝓚𝓪𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓮𝓸𝓼𝓪𝓷𝓰↫↫

You never noticed the pair of eyes that were constantly glued to you. In fact no one ever noticed Yeosang at school. He was a loner. Always dressed in dark clothing, mostly consisting of hoodies in which he'd often hide his face in.

But he was always watching you. In class, he payed attention to you. He learned your locker number and would often look around your stuff. If things went missing, he was bound to have them, adding them to his shrine he kept in his room. He even followed you home when he had the chance, sometimes even stood outside your house, watching your bedroom window until you turned off your light.

He was enraptured by you. He wanted to have you, but had no idea how to get close to you. So he started leaving notes everywhere for you. At first starting off with cute love notes in your locker, but soon it escalated to actually leaving them inside your bedroom, detailing things that soon horrified you. You were scared of whoever was sending you these things.

He's not stopping though. Soon you'll finally know who he is......and he'll be the only one you'll ever need to know in your life.

↬↬𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓢𝓪𝓷↫↫

San was your childhood friend. Since the beginning, you two were inseparable. You were there for each other since you both learned how to read. He was basically like your brother, that's what you often thought about him.

He didn't see things like that though. He was convinced you two were soulmates. You were made for each other. No one knows you better than he does, and no one understands him like you do. He wants you to see him as a lover, not just a friend.

Problem is so many guys are after you and he feels threatened. So he had to do anything possible to keep them away from you, and if they got too close, sabotage your relationship with them at all costs, all while you never find out he's the cause of all your heartbreaks. All you know is that he's always there for you, he's your shoulder to cry on. He cries with you and holds you close as you pour out your feelings to him. He strokes your hair gently, promising to protect you...

All while you never see the sinister smile of accomplishment that forms on his lips when he's succeeded yet again in keeping you for himself.

↬↬𝓢𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓜𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓲↫↫

Mingi was often picked on and teased for being so awkward and for being a nerd. It wasn't unusual for him to get tripped, shoved, or even slammed into lockers on occasion. He was too shy to even say anything and too afraid to stand up for himself. One time, he got shoved so hard, he dropped all his books and his glasses went flying somewhere. Someone was kind enough to give them to him so he could see....

And that's when he saw you. You helped him pick up his materials and made sure he was not hurt. He was surprised you would help him, you were one of the most respected and popular students in school. What on earth would make you even glance at someone like Mingi? But you did, and you kept checking up on him, spending time with him and befriending him, helping him to be less shy and reserved.

For that reason, he began idolizing you. You're his savior, his very own angel sent to him. He can't let his little angel fly away from him. That's why he began changing for you, turning into what he needed to be in order to get you to love him. And if anyone dared to try and steal his angel away, well.......

He'd immediately snap and have no recollection of what happened. All he knows is that his hands are covered in blood and he succeeded in protecting you from anything and anyone he deems evil.

↬↬𝓙𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓦𝓸𝓸𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓰↫↫

You hated him with a burning passion. For as long as you could remember, Jung Wooyoung was your worst nightmare. What first started off as ordinary school boy teasing and pranks, turned into full scale bullying and torment.

You were always nervous to walk into school, not knowing what he was going to pull on you this time. No matter how hard you tried to avoid him, he was always there, always finding you. He was constantly belittling you, making you feel bad about yourself and sometimes leaving bruises that would last days.

You didn't understand why he was like this. One day, being so stressed and your anxiety going erratic, you couldn't take it anymore and begged him to stop. You wanted him to leave you alone at all costs, interesting option you gave him. But he promised he'd leave you alone from then on......

If you agreed to love him and only him, be good for him and obey him at all times. Only then would he stop. But would he really stop? Or will it only get worse until you break and become nothing but a lifeless doll for him?

↬↬𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓙𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝓸↫↫

His first encounter with you was the biggest turning point in his life. He watched as you slipped on your way down the stairs during a passing period. You would have seriously gotten hurt if he didn't catch you in his strong arms. He just stared at you, admiring your features as you thanked him. He let you go then and he felt empty, but he vowed to never let you go again.

You never knew this but he became your protector. He thought you were too pure and precious to survive in this world alone. There were too many dangers and bad people who would try to hurt you, use you, or even worse, keep you two far away from each other. He could never let that happen. So protecting you often involved getting physical and keeping unnecessary people from entering your life. And then soon he realized he also needed to take people out of your life.

That's how you woke up one day in a strange house. He was there waiting for you to wake up, not at all bothered by your screaming and panic. Soon you'll learn it's all for your own good, that he only has good intentions and he's just keeping you safe....

And keeping you all to himself.

Gifs not mine, credit goes to their respective owners.

#ateez #ateez reactions #ateez yandere #yandere au #yandere!ateez #yandere!au #ateez yandere au #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho #ateez angst #ateez school au

[collecting-stories]

Self Sabotage - JJ Maybank

Request: Hey babe ♥️ can I request 71. “Look I know we don’t know each other that well but I’m still worried about you.” and 123. “If I asked you to stay, would you?” With jj? Just some pure fluff and hear eyes

A/N: Told you I wrote this twice 😂

Pink Kush (the sequel) | Outer Banks Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

The party was strictly kook. You had gone to Neptune 09er’s lengths to ensure that the “coded” party message that you sent out to ‘kooks only’ made it clear that there were no pogues allowed at this most elite summer celebration. But nothing could keep away the Outer Banks’ most notorious rabble rousers. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone that pogues crashed the party, or even that they found the party. Walking passed your house was enough indication that there was something going on. If Scarlett wasn’t practically dating one of Peterkin’s deputies, she the whole thing would’ve been shut down. But it never was and the pogue crowd always showed up.

And maybe it would’ve been fine except the blond one couldn’t keep his mouth shut and Rafe was equal parts dick, especially when he was drunk. You weren’t even sure what had started the fight. You were in the kitchen with Sarah, who was ostracized, blamed for inviting the pogues that showed up, and generally ignored by other kooks at the party, when Scarlett came in, fuming.  

“I swear to god!” Scarlett cursed, grabbing a bottle off the counter, “these pogue losers are such fucking...” she groaned.

“What?” You asked, looking over at her. It was only then you realized the wealth of people who had started to congregate near the back door. As if something was drawing them there. Behind the thumping of the stereo in the living room you could hear it. The sound of shouting. “What is that?”

“That fucking dumbass friend of your boyfriend’s!” Scarlett said, directing her comment at Sarah.  

“What?” Sarah headed toward the crowd and you followed, pushing through people only to be let out into the backyard. There by the pool, Rafe was shouting at JJ, cursing him out, threatening him. They’d get close enough to shove the other but not anything more serious than that. “Rafe!” Sarah shouted, catching her brother’s attention.  

He turned to look at her and JJ took the opportunity to tackle him, knocking both of them into the water. Rafe surfaced first, grabbing JJ’s shoulders and shoving him under the water, clearly prepared to drown the pogue.  

“Topper!” You yelled, catching his attention, “get your fucking friend!”  

Some of the other pogues were at the water’s edge, trying to reach them without actually going into the pool, a strategy that obviously wasn’t working. Topper got in, grabbing Rafe and pulling him back enough that he released JJ, the other boy practically unconscious as he floated in the water. Years of life guarding at the Island Club’s indoor pool had afforded you the ability to know CPR like the back of your hand and you ran over to help as two guys pulled him out of the water.  

“Move,” you insisted, pushing your way through people and falling to your knees beside him. You leaned over JJ, pressing your ear to his chest for a moment before laying your hands over him.  

“You know CPR?” One of his friends asked, hovering your space as you counted out compressions.  

“Yes.”  

You apologized to the guy, Pope as you later learned, for snapping once JJ had sputtered out the water he swallowed, throwing himself forward and laying his head back down on your lap, pressing the side of his face into your thigh. You brushed hair off his forehead out of instinct, trying to cradle him against you too.  

“Are you okay?” Pope asked, helping JJ to sit up. You patted his back gently, moving around so you were on the other side of him.  

“Do you wanna go inside?” You asked. The crowd of pogues and kooks standing around watching hadn’t dispersed, hovering around trying to gauge if JJ was alright. Pope glanced around as Kiara came through the crowd to help. A little too late but she still weaseled her way in between you and JJ, helping him to his feet.  

“That would be good.” Pope said, wrapping his arm around JJ while Kiara stayed on his other side, helping him walk into the house with you. You could hear Pope telling JJ that they were taking him inside.  

The downstairs was mostly crowded so you led them upstairs, JJ managing by himself, pushing Kiara and Pope away when they tried to help him. “I’ve got it.” He insisted.  

“My room is right here.” You said, letting JJ pass you into the room, his wet footprints tracking across the wooden floor. Kiara hovered in the door while Pope went in after him.  

“Thanks,” Kiara finally said, somewhat awkward. To be fair, the two of you weren’t friends and you had spent the better part of the school year ignoring her for the likes of other kooks closer to your own tax bracket.  

“I’ll get a change of clothes?” You offered, not sure what to do now that JJ was in your room, just standing there in the middle of the room, soaking wet. You crossed the hall to your parents’ room, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and one of your dad’s old college shirts. When you came back into your room JJ was standing in the same place, a cut on his forehead, just above his eyebrow, bleeding. He kept wiping at it as if that would stop the bleeding. You held the clothes out for him, “here. There’s a bathroom right there.”

“Gotta love the kook life.” JJ muttered, grabbing the clothes and heading for the bathroom.

“Glad your recovered enough to be an asshole.” You snapped back.

“Hey,” JJ turned around at the door, glaring at you, “I didn’t ask to get fucking drowned by your douche bag friend.”

“I didn’t invite you to this party!” You said.

“Guys!” Pope snapped, stepping in between the two of you, “just...JJ go get changed.”

“I’m gonna grab some water bottles,” Kiara announced once JJ was in the bathroom, “might help sober him up.” She gave Pope a pointed look and he nodded.

“I’ll go with you.”

“Oh cool, just leave me here.” You replied, sitting down on your bed and rolling your eyes. Neither of them said anything, just headed out of the room and down the stairs to grab water bottles from the fridge.  

You stayed there until JJ finally came out, drying off his hair with a towel. “I left my clothes on the sink...”  

“I’ll throw them in the dryer.” You shrugged, “Look I know we don’t know each other that well but I’m still worried about you. Are you sure you’re okay?”  

“I’m fine.” JJ replied, tossing the towel in your hamper.  

“You gotta have a death wish.”  

“What?” He asked, looking over at you.

“Rafe’s fucking psychotic JJ, he would’ve killed you, ya know?” You pointed out, “if he didn’t show up uninvited to every party I wouldn’t have anything to do with him.”  

“Yeah.”

“Don’t say ‘yeah’ like you don’t believe me.” You said, “you don’t know me.”

“And yet you’re so concerned.”

“I am concerned!” You huffed, crossing your arms and looking away from him. “You almost fucking died out there...I literally did CPR on you and you’re gonna bitch at me? Look, I’m just trying to make sure that you’re okay.”  

JJ shrugged, sitting down in your desk chair and spinning it around once before facing you again. He had come to the party with everyone after he heard Sarah mention it to Kiara. It would’ve been fine, they got in unnoticed and mingled with some kooks without any trouble at all, but JJ was still fuming from a fight with his father and had, admittedly, being looking for a reason to pick a fight or get blacked-out. He saw Rafe and it was like the answer to his prayers. He started the fight and when Rafe tackled him into the pool and he hit his head on the side he’d honestly been happy to just let himself get wailed on, the older Cameron could’ve drowned him and he would’ve been thrilled.  

“Your still bleeding.” You noticed, getting up from your bed and going into the bathroom, grabbing the first aid kit from the cabinet.

He said nothing as you cleared some books off your stool and pulled it over so that you could sit in front of him, opening the kit on your lap and pulling things out. JJ sat still, tensing when you touched his face, pushing still wet hair out of his face so that you could clean out the wound and bandage it. You weren’t sure if JJ had sobered up at all or if he was still somewhat drunk, if he’d been drunk at all or just out of his mind. Either way, you could imagine him walking back down into that party.  

“This might sound crazy but, if I asked you to stay, would you?” You asked, pressing the bandage over his cut.  

“Why?”

“Cause I honestly don’t think you should be alone right now.” You replied, “but what do I know?”

JJ frowned, biting on his tongue, “did Kie and Pope go back downstairs?”

“Yeah.”

He nodded, they were at the edge of their patience and he knew that. They’d been putting up with and taking care of his reckless behavior for the last few months if not years. They probably left altogether or at least were staying downstairs so they didn’t have to take care of this. “You don’t want to deal with this.” JJ replied, an offering of an out to you.  

“Let me decide that?”  

-

Taglist: @heavenlymama @vindictive-hearts @alexa-playafricabytoto @dontjinx-it @randomficsandshit @niamhobrien @strangerthanfanfiction713 @tovvaa @freckled-and-daydreaming @harleylynn @bibliophilewednesday @dpaccione @bolaurel @poguestyleskye @beautyandthebleh @under-a-canyon-moon @teamnick @stevie-buck @bijleegiregi @vitaminekabc @minigranger @teamnick @just-smile-darling @obxsummer @damonsalvawhore27 @isqbella @tomzfrog @fangirlvoice @phantompogues @98starkeys @ilovejjmaybank @lemur46 @khiaraaa-in-spacee @babygal-babygal @niya-savage @divvrx @princess-of-the-fandoms @thecaptainsgingersnap @jenjie @yourprincess-maybe @wowmaybankk 

#jj maybank x you #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fanfic #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank fic #jj maybank imagine #jj fanfiction #jj fanfic #jj x reader #jj imagine #jj x you #jj x y/n #jj fic #collecting stories imagine #obx fanfiction #obx fanfic #obx fic #obx imagine #outer banks imagine #outer banks fanfic #outer banks fic #outer banks fanfiction

[lord-rosenth0rne]

"Evil... Bruno? That would be unfortunate. I've gotten so used to his cute, dorky self, but thinking about it, I might have a few ideas. If I did evil!Bruno, I would probably pull from the classic Disney Villains who are evil because they want to be and it feels good, not because they're misunderstood. I think Bruno already has the misunderstood title under his belt."

"No, as interesting as it would be, he wouldn't have a seven-foot-frame. And let's just say that "We Don't Talk About Bruno" would be ten times worse..."

((Screw it, I'm posting it here too))

He didn't go into the walls at all, well, he did, but just not to live in them. He was confined to his tower by Abuela when a cruelty streak emerged as he got older. Over time, Bruno was able to escape the tower but was either forced back in before doing something bad or he willingly let himself get dragged back after doing something heinous. It became a game for him. He used to be able to wander around Casita if he behaved but that rarely ever lasted longer than an hour.

Neither Abuela nor his sisters know where this came behavior from. The only reason he hasn't been kicked out or banished from Encanto is that Abuela feels that he is her responsibility and would feel guilty for unleashing him upon the world.

He was/is extremely jealous of his sisters, both in love and in gifts. He often sabotages himself when it comes to a partner and he doesn’t have the capacity to have a normal relationship.

He had become so jealous of Julieta’s gift that he had made arepas made with rat poison which he swapped out with hers for her to hand out to the townsfolk. When it was found out, several townspeople nearly died from poisoning.

Speaking of rat poisoning, he still adores his rats so any rat poison he finds around Casita will most likely just end up in another person's/animal's food.

He tormented Pepa horribly, playing on her emotions. Every little comment he made was crafted to get under her skin and it worked very well. He would gaslight her after he destroyed any good weather she made, saying that it was her own fault that she couldn’t keep a handle on her emotions.

He HATED his gift up until he realized he could use it the way he does now. The spontaneous visions don’t bother him all that much, but he has learned how to make it look as if he’s having a vision in front of people without anything appearing. That way he could tell them a specific date and walk away laughing.

It wasn’t until his sisters got married and Bruno got punched in the face by Agustín, of all people, that he left them alone and started targeting the kids. Félix would have done it sooner if Pepa hadn’t begged him not to. Agustin punching Bruno made Abuela like him more.

He would go out of his way to scare his nieces and nephew(s) and tell them things that they couldn't tell was a prophecy or him being mean. He didn't normally attend the gift ceremonies so he didn't know which kid had what, but upon finding out, he'd mess with them horribly.

Dolores: His behavior ranged between sneaking up behind her and making a loud noise to mess with her hearing or by climbing into the walls and finding her bedroom at night only to whisper horrible things for her to do when she got up. Most of the time, she doesn’t know it’s him and she believes she’s sick or possessed. She refuses to tell anyone about it, at least, not before Mariano came into her life. Bruno flat out told her Mariano would never love her and wanted Isabela over her.

Isabela: He doesn’t mess with Isabela. Abuela kept her too close and gave her permission to use flowering thorn bushes on him if he ever came near her. As revenge, he gave her the prophecy that was given in the movie, only he told her that if she did not do everything Abuela told her to do, she would never have the life she wanted, which was the opposite.

Camilo: Camilo was/is Bruno’s favorite, mainly because Camilo would engage in pranks that Bruno approved of. When he realized the kid could shapeshift, Bruno used him to cause HAVOC in town. Camilo didn’t question Bruno until he convinced him to turn into Pedro in front of Abuela on the day Pedro died and pretended to die again. Upon seeing Abuela’s devastated expression, Camilo realized what he was doing was wrong and turned on his uncle. Regardless, he’s still Bruno’s fav since Bruno still has the ability to talk him into pranks.

Luisa: Bruno doubled down on her fear of not being good enough and letting everyone down to the point that the girl pushed herself to the point of collapsing due to exhaustion. He’d just shrug at her when she just finished a tedious task, tuttering and telling her that Abuela wouldn’t approve if the task was off by even an inch, that if she really wanted Abuela to love her, she’d do it all over again to get it right.

Mirabel: He pretends she doesn’t exist. At. All. No matter if she’s talking to him or right in front of her, he’d knock her out of the way as if she wasn’t just standing there. When he did finally talk to her, it was one of the worst days of Mirabel’s life: Antonio’s Gift Ceremony.

Bruno would often show up in places he was not wanted. And he knows he's not wanted. Usually, his presence means he saw something bad and he wanted to see it in person OR something bad didn’t happen and he was just there to cause anxiety or do something he thought should have happened, say kick a ladder out from under a person using it then nonchalantly walk away, all because he was bored.

When he showed up at Antonio's gift ceremony, the family began to panic. The last time he showed up to an event like this was Mirabel's gift ceremony when she did not receive a gift. When Antonio was given a gift, Abuela gave him a smug smirk, only to realize that she was receiving one in return.

When Mirabel cut her hand, she felt a hand running through her hair as someone walked around her from behind. Bruno’s green eyes peered down at the cut.

“Oh. That looks bad. You might want to tell Abuela,” was all he said to her in a soft, serious tone before heading up to his tower. Unbeknownst to Mirabel, he was smirking uncontrollably the moment he turned away from her. From there, everything started to fall apart.

#Bruno Madrigal #Encanto #Evil!Bruno #Ask #Anon Ask #Mirabel Madrigal #Agustin Madrigal #Agustín Madrigal #Félix Madrigal #Felix Madrigal #Julieta Madrigal #Abuela Alma Madrigal #Dolores Madrigal #Luisa Madrigal #Isabela Madrigal #Antonio Madrigal #Pepa Madrigal #Camilo Madrigal

[psychewritesbs]

How journaling about manga characters helps me heal—or the intersection where manga meets self-help

I think one of the things I love about watching anime or reading manga (or engaging with a work of fiction in general) is the brain rot that ensues when I get emotionally involved with the characters in these stories.

From a Psychological perspective, any kind of emotional response that you might have to these characters and their dilemmas is because something in your own emotional and mental landscape resonates with the character. 

This is why we love the characters and ships that we love and ship, and why I am one of those “annoying” pro-shippers who cannot comprehend how fiction = a reflection of a broken moral compass. 

The characters we love are simply reflections of who we are, whether we are consciously aware of the fact or not.

But I like to take this concept a bit further because I came to realize that these characters can also help me heal emotionally and psychologically.

What follows is a personal account of how some of my favorite characters (Yashiro, Fushiguro Megumi and Hiyakawa Rihito) have embarked with me in my own personal healing journey. 

It’s all crazy-talk below the cut basically...

Journaling helps me process my thoughts and emotions

Back in August I joined Creative Dream Incubator, a journaling program that has been an absolute game changer for my creativity and my dreams about my life. What I wasn’t expecting was that I would end up journaling about some of my favorite manga characters and how these characters would help me work through my own personal trauma.

It all started because these characters were asking me to draw them.

The reason I love drawing these characters is because in doing so I am engaging my pre-verbal, emotional brain and “turning off” my logical brain. Trauma is stored at the emotional, affective level of the mind/soul after all.

Yashiro and my anxious-avoidant attachment style

*Thank you to whomever made this gorgeous edit! Happy to give credit.

The first character I felt called to drawing was Yashiro from Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai. Yashiro is a broken person unable to create healthy bonds with others due to a history of abuse and neglect. His backstory and the maladaptive behaviors that resulted from his past are truly heartbreaking.

In that way, Yashiro’s was the invitation to learn to trust my heart’s desires. 

It all came about when a journaling prompt asked me to think about how I feel when I meet with my dream and all I could think about were those panels of Yashiro covering his bad eye. 

Like Yashiro, I realized I was pushing away that which my heart desired because I could not trust myself to not be abandoned by my own heart.

While I have by no means experienced what Yashiro as a character has experienced, he helped me tap into and make my own reluctance to get closer to what my heart desires conscious. 

Fushiguro Megumi and my most powerful self

Next, Fushiguro Megumi from Jujutsu Kaisen asked to become my “most powerful self”. Correction... I asked him to become my most powerful self and he was super reluctant at first.

Megumi came into my life after I had quit a job I loved in exchange for a life of freedom. I had set out to become a freelancer so that I could have a more flexible, remote lifestyle. The problem was that I was pestered by my own insecurities.

And then... back in March or April, I saw Jujutsu Kaisen’s episode 23 where Megumi manifested Chimera Shadow Garden and I just knew that I was Megumi: A prodigy with a reluctant relationship to my own power and a tendency for self-sabotage and undervaluing my own potential.

To say that Megumi as a “symbol” has helped me heal the most is an understatement. Above all, all he has ever asked from me is that I trust in him and his power.

Ever since then, Megumi’s words have become my mantra: 

イメ—ジしろ。自由に！限界を超えた未来の自分を。

Imagine a future version of myself that has surpassed my limits.

Hiyakawa Rihito and my self-worth 

The latest character to move into my brain rent free is Rihito from Sankaku Mado no Sotogawa wa Yoru. 

“Coincidentally” (I don’t believe in meaningless coincidences by the way), I had recently been asking myself why I felt like somewhere in my childhood a bid for connection that was turned against me was resulting in my own issues with self-worth.

And then... I read Sankaku’s volume 9 and, just like with Megumi, I just knew. 

Rihito is someone whose relational attachment style never matured due to the abuse he experienced. In other worlds, he relates to the world as his 5-year-old self does. That is why he is such a “weird” character.

The irony is that, as a character, he is disliked for being possessive of Mikado in a very creepy way. Unless you learn about his backstory, however, his behavior can be interpreted as the “yet another seme who does not ask for consent” trope that is so prevalent in yaoi manga.

But... there will be more Rihito brain rot in the future since I really love his character and I want to process what he’s telling me.

In a nutshell, Rihito reminded me that I’ve attached my self-worth to “performing”. He speaks to my own inner-child who thinks that she has to “do this or that” in order to be loved and accepted.

BJ Alex and The Anime Psychologist

So I haven’t necessarily journaled about, or drawn Ahn Jiwon from BJ Alex, but I happened to read this manga around the same time I started this blog. 

Let’s just say that the irony of reading a manga about a guy who starts a livestream because he’s starved for love and attention just as I was starting this blog does not escape me.

In case you are wondering, yes, I am certifiably crazy

Now, if I sound like a crazy person claiming these characters “asked to be drawn” and “having conversations with them,” well, it’s because I sort of am.

But in the wise words of my mentor, Carl Jung, “show me a sane man and I will cure him for you”.

That’s exactly why, when it comes to doing healing and inner-work, you have to put your logical mind aside. Your trauma and all that is asking to be healed is not in your logical mind, but is stored in your body and your emotional self.

Although I haven’t read Jung’s Red Book (which I like to refer to as THE Bible), this process of healing through my relationship to the fictional characters that grab my attention is basically what the Red Book is all about. Funny enough, the notebook I use to journal has a red cover.

TLDR: In conclusion, this process might sound crazy but I encourage you (if anyone even reads this 😂😂) to trust yourself, to trust your fantasies and to follow the trail they take you on. 

You might just learn a lot about yourself that you were previously not aware of.

p.s. did you notice how all of these characters are males? Looks like I’ve been doing tons of inner-work on my own masculine energy.

p.s.2. like... who are you talking to? well, myself, of course 😂.

#personal #yashiro #fushiguro megumi #ahn jiwon #hiyakawa rihito #self-help #personal development #the red book #certifiably crazy #anime journaling #journaling

[curiosity-killed]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

#long post #asked & answered #lol sorry this is so long and incoherent #the truth is that I really love these stories and their casts #and I think it’s v hard to extricate the characters from the cast #because they are so deftly and beautifully interwoven #but here are the characters I think are my favorites lol #loosely in order #tgcf spoilers #also this is why I prefer tgcf to mdzs tbh? #jgy is intellectually interesting to me and a good antagonist #but not personally compelling in the way jw is

[spaceorphan18]

You’ve probably discussed this a million times before, and it’s all a bit tedious, but I’m relatively new here in fandom, so forgive me.

I detest the Klaine cheating storyline in 4 SO MUCH. Ok people say it wasn’t OOC of Blaine, as he had all these abandonment issues, but there is no way you can convince me he’d have cheated. Four episodes before, he’s looking for reassurance that they’ll always be together, and he started having his panic of being left behind from mid season 3 onwards. - he was so devoted to Kurt. And then they get him cheating? I’d have believed it more if they’d grown apart, or lack of communication for a few more episodes, then an almighty fight and them splitting then for a while, but not cheating.

I see people say that Blaine and Klaine followers don’t call him out enough for his shitty behavior, this bring the prime example. I can see his faults, but never believe he’d have cheated on Kurt. This is one example of where I really do blame the shitty writing, the inconsistency of plot, and it just puts a whole big black spot on what is really an adorable love story. (Yes they should have issues, but not like this).

Hi Nonny! Welcome!

The interesting thing in watching new people get attached to the show is watching them go through a lot of the same feelings and emotions a lot of us went through at time of airing. And I totally get that! I HATED the cheating story line when it happened in real time. I was incredibly resentful that we had to go through that, and I feared that it was going to destroy Blaine as a character for me.

I have softened considerably over the years. Maybe I'm just old, maybe I've just analyzed the shit out of this show too long, maybe I've just gotten to the acceptance part of being fan, lol, I don't know.

Some things to consider, and things I've come to after years of hearing different people's view points on the matter. (Keeping in mind that I'm not attempting to change your heart or your mind, just how I've made my peace with it.)

1. Glee's connotations with cheating work on a different level than that of the real world. (I'm half convinced Ryan Murphy has inner trauma with cheating, which is why it's everywhere in his work.) Every character on this show cheats on everyone else in some capacity. Everyone. Some are more extreme than others, but it's a theme that plays through every character. (Kurt did it multiple times if you want to get technical - though he cheated on other love interests with Blaine, so people see it differently.)

And I think it's important to remember the lens in which Blaine's cheating is seen through. The focus point is on Blaine and this bad decision, while others get to skate by without it being a lingering plot point. So of course it's going to feel bigger. I'm not necessarily going to reprimand a character more than any other character just because their mistake is more glorified.

2. It isn't entirely out of character - at least according to a lot of Blaine stans who identify very deeply to him.

Now, personally, I still feel that it was cheap and easy writing - and the only way you were really going to break up Klaine is if it was a big thing like this. And Ryan Murphy is a sadistic little bitch.

But I do see Blaine as someone who self-sabotages. And I do see how the narrative can get from point A to point B. Yes, I do think more set up would have worked much better. But I can see that a Blaine who already feels his relationship is over would drown himself in another person in an attempt to make himself feel better. Humans don't always make sense in their decisions. Emotions are complicated things. And 17yos are kinda dumb. (My regards to 17yos - but you're still learning a lot about life at that age and your emotions and feelings are still very extreme.)

The other thing to keep in mind is that Glee likes to present big things and skip over the details. It does big sweeping moments like break ups and getting back together, but the finer nuances of smaller stories, and the links between those points, are often lost. (Which is why we have so much great fanfiction!)

And that said -- I would much rather we see a show about Kurt and Blaine suddenly stopping, and spending a great deal of time working their way back together than to see a long winded, downward spiral of their relationship.

3. I think one thing to remember is that after all this darkness, they end up together and happily married. Kurt wasn't completely innocent during the whole first break up. He neglected his relationship, thought you didn't have to work at it, and figured it'll be fine, etc, etc. That is definitely not an excuse for anyone to cheat on anyone else! But... they both learned something from the experience (same with the second break up). That relationships are hard work, and that it's something you have to work at maintaining in order for it to last.

The fairy tale romance of the second season is broken, and that's okay! Because they learn to love each other as actual people, not a romanticized idea of what a relationship should be.

**

I see people say that Blaine and Klaine followers don’t call him out enough for his shitty behavior, this bring the prime example

Nonny, this is not me putting you on the spot, I promise. But if there's one thing that I'm absolutely over, it's the fandom wars -- and how one group needs to be right by calling out all the shit on the other side, and then claiming things like the above statement.

The only time I see people refer to this is when anti-[insert thing] start shouting from the rafters about all the faults of the characters they don't like -- and instead of having a nuanced conversation within context, they just want scream about all the bad things that happened.

There have been fans of any character who do idolize them to the point where they do no wrong. And I don't think that's a healthy thing. But I think those of us who engage normally (subjective word I suppose) like the characters for their high points and their low points. Characters (like real humans) fuck up. If they didn't - they wouldn't be a good character.

I'll always call out shitty behavior (I most certainly did for Kurt in my meta). But I'm over the idea that someone with a biased attitude is going to make me feel guilt or shame over enjoying a thing because I don't hinge on every bad thing like I do the good things.

#that's how s.o. sees it

[oumakokichi]

Hello This is kinda weird put I remember reading a good write-up on Miu that like Toko and Mikan she has low self esteem and never really had any friends so she literally doesn't know how to interact with people Plus she's in a situation were she can get killed in any SECOND so add these factors and I think that somewhat explains her lack of empathy and her just constantly being on edge She's in a situation were anyone she gets close to can end her life What do you think about this? Thanks

Hi anon, I don’t think it’s weird at all! Miu is actually one of my favorite ndrv3 characters; I love her to pieces and I agree with this analysis a lot! I believe she gets a lot of flack for being a female character who’s crass and rude and not very empathetic, despite people often idolizing or making excuses for male characters with many of the same traits.

To this day I still somehow see misinformation spread about Miu and used to call her things she isn’t, including blatantly untrue claims like “she forced herself on Kiibo” (which, I cannot make it more explicitly clear how much she does not do this). I’m not saying anyone has to love Miu or consider her their favorite character, I just think she gets an unfair deal sometimes.

It’s been a long time since I got to write a more in-depth analysis of her, so I’ll share more of my thoughts under the cut! Watch out for spoilers as always.

Miu having low self-esteem isn’t just a headcanon or a fan theory; it’s pretty much canon. Despite constantly acting arrogant, loud, and abrasive, Miu is absolutely desperate for validation and attention from others. For as haughty as she likes to act, she backs down almost immediately whenever someone so much as snaps or glares at her, clearly afraid that she’s somehow said the wrong thing or made someone mad at her.

In my opinion, she’s completely unaware of how she comes across to others. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and has no filter whatsoever, and this combined with her desire to be respected and praised for her talents means she’s very difficult to get along with.

I’m not making excuses for her actions; I still think some of the things she says about other members of the group are pretty terrible, and I do, to some extent, simply think she’s not really the type to empathize with others. But I do think part of it is that she’s just completely unaware of how she sounds or comes across to others. She has no understanding of social cues, or what it means to “tone it down” in order to better fit in with other people.

Obviously, it’s not like the other characters are at fault for getting fed up with Miu sometimes or not wanting to spend time with her. Like I said, she’s incredibly loud and abrasive and nearly impossible to please, especially as she’s quick to make fun of others or get mad if she thinks they’re wasting her time. But it’s somewhat… sad, in a way, to see how desperately she does want someone to spend time with her and acknowledge all her positive traits, like being an “amazing gorgeous girl-genius.” She really does strike me as someone who has probably been alone most of her life, and her inability to understand social cues or realize how she sounds to other people means that she never learns from her mistakes or gets any better.

This is part of the reason I actually really love her interactions with both Kiibo and Kaede.

I find it touching that she and Kiibo have such a consistently good dynamic even in the middle of the killing game. In the same way that Kiibo is one of the only characters openly sad after Miu’s death in chapter 4, Miu is perhaps the only character who doesn’t really look down on Kiibo for being a robot; instead, she thinks he’s the coolest person she’s ever met precisely because he’s a robot. And I think there’s a lot to be said too about how both of them are characters that really struggle with understanding social cues or fitting in with a group.

Meanwhile, Miu’s FTEs with Kaede are perhaps the closest we ever really see her get to making a friend or getting included with the rest of the group. I absolutely love how much Kaede refuses to back down whenever Miu is saying something horrible or mean or gross, and how she always puts her foot down whenever she crosses a line. When Miu tries to “compare chest sizes,” Kaede just flat-out punches her for it, leaving Miu baffled and confused, but also with a better understanding of personal boundaries.

Kaede always feels like she’s trying her hardest not so much to put up with Miu, but to understand why she acts the way she does, and puts a lot of thought into what she could do or say that would make Miu want to become more of a team player or open up to people more. The rare moments where Kaede praises Miu and Miu becomes genuinely flustered and taken aback are further proof of how much Miu really wants validation and has no idea how to go about asking for it without coming across like a total weirdo, so I have a big soft spot both for those first few FTEs with Miu, as well as some of their interactions together in the Talent Development Plan.

It’s also interesting that you should mention Miu’s fear of being killed at any point in the killing game as a big reason for why she acts the way she does. I bring up the fact that Ouma has very clear signs of paranoia and a fundamental inability to trust others a lot in my meta—and Miu is no different. In fact, the biggest reason chapter 4 plays out the way it does is because both of them are incredibly paranoid and mistrustful, terrified of getting killed, and this causes what could have been (and was, for a time) a very powerful alliance between them to completely fall apart into pieces.

If I had to draw parallels between Miu and another character, it wouldn’t be any of the other “pervert” characters in DR, or even any of the other inventors/programmers. It would be with Maizono.

Chapter 4 of ndrv3 is, in my opinion, actually incredibly similar to dr1 chapter 1: both Miu and Maizono ultimately make the decision to try and kill someone out of sheer desperation to confirm the state of the outside world with their own two eyes, and both of them ultimately have their own plan turned against them and are killed in the end. Where Maizono’s strongest driving force for wanting to get out no matter the cost is sparked by the sight of her own motive video, Miu’s is sparked by the fear that the outside world may be a total wasteland, and the knowledge that she could actually do a considerable amount of good with her talent.

It’s absolutely correct to say that Miu didn’t trust anyone else. She and Ouma both collaborated together for a time—we don’t know how long exactly, but it’s clear that they were at least working together for a while given the sheer number of inventions that Ouma commissioned from her and provided designs for. The fact remains that the two of them were this close to putting together a plan to take down the exisals so they could escape with everyone else… but again, sadly, both of them were far too paranoid for this plan to ever actually work.

Miu’s biggest problem with the plan as Ouma proposes it is that she simply doesn’t trust anyone else. All the clever inventions and plans in the world won’t pull through if even one person decides to double-cross them or simply put self-interest first. And it’s worth noting that she’s kind of right here, considering Tsumugi was very much still part of the group at this point in time and absolutely would’ve sabotaged their plan using any means possible. So in an interesting turn of events, Miu decides to put her self-interests first and commit a murder in order to escape, because she suspects everyone else of wanting to do exactly the same thing.

Overall, Miu is a deeply flawed individual. She’s loud and rude, demanding and hostile, incapable of recognizing her own mistakes, and deeply paranoid and mistrustful of others. But all of these things are very much the reason I love her. Again, she’s not for everyone. No one has to like her.

But I find it interesting that other male characters who have the same or arguably worse flaws (flaws usually stemming from misogyny, including Souda stalking and harassing Sonia for the entirety of sdr2 with no change in his behavior, or Teruteru who straight up threatens sexual assault both in sdr2 and dr3) often have tons of people willing to defend them and somehow justify their actions, while Miu gets painted as irredeemably bad or has her moments with Kiibo completely skewed out of context.

In any case, these are my thoughts on Miu’s character. I hope I was able to make myself clear! I don’t think that she’s a “poor misunderstood baby” or anything like that by any means, but I do think she’s incredibly interesting and complex, both because of her flaws and because of how undeniably useful her talent was to the group. For someone who was so adamantly against being a team player, it’s amazing how much Miu’s inventions are vital to saving everyone’s lives in most of the game’s trials. Thank you for the fun question, anon!

#danganronpa #miu iruma #iruma miu #ndrv3 #new danganronpa v3 #my meta #ask #anonymous #ndrv3 spoilers // #okay to reblog