#and it was an extra stressful appointment because i finally told my GP about my plan to medically transition and got put on the notorious

[chwejongho-archive]

hellaur °3°

#i’m on a mini hiatus because life is overwhelming!! however i wanted to share some little life updates that have happened hehe :> #🌩️ #so for context i am a trans man #and i handled a full appointment with my GP (family doctor) on my own which is HUGE #because being autistic i usually need someone with me incase i go mute with anxiety or stutter too bad #and it was an extra stressful appointment because i finally told my GP about my plan to medically transition and got put on the notorious #GIC waiting list ;-; #☁️ #and i got her to change my name in the system since this week i also finally completely my legal name change!! #i’ve been socially transitioning for a good few years now so it’s nice for my legal name to match hehe #kaspar!! (kaz for short) #and i’ve got a bunch of legal stuff to do which is why i am overwhelmed and have no time to gif >< #anyways i am proud of myself!!!! #⛅️ #how are my beloved followers and moots doing?? pls send asks i miss interacting with everyone </3 #kaztalks

[duchessofostergotlands]

Hi, jess! A couple of months ago I sent you an ask about a reality tv show (the farm) and a participant who has bpd (she didn’t win the 1 million price, btw - but she was so happy when she found out that a good portion of the public supported her, specially women ❤️ she’s famous because of only fans and most of her followers on social media, before her participation on the show, were men. So she said she was happy to see so many women supporting and following her now). Anyway while watching the show, I realized many of her behaviors were so similar to mine. Then my mom and sister, who live with me, told me they noticed that too. I decided to ask my psychiatrist and psychologist (I’ve been dealing with depression for the past 10 years), but both didn’t give it much credit. At the time I agreed with them - they said I probably don’t have bpd because the behaviors I was describing only happens when I’m home, with people I trust. I’m very “controlled” when I’m with other people, including my dad (who hasn’t lived with me since I was a kid). The point is, I’m ALWAYS making a huge effort trying to control myself in public - it’s exhausting and I believe it’s one of the reasons I tend to isolate myself. I think I’ve actually learned to camouflage my feelings and to avoid things that trigger me. I used to be more “uncontrolled” as a kid, before I created this deep rooted fear that people’d leave me because of these behaviors and reactions. Do you think it’s possible to camouflage some of bpd’s symptoms? And, if so, do you have any tips on how I could talk to my psychiatrist and psychologist about it? —— I didn’t want to make this ask any longer than it already is, but one of my childhood friends was recently diagnosed with autism. We don’t talk much nowadays, but she messaged me last month to tell me about her diagnosis and to ask if I felt I had some of the same treats - thinking retrospectively, we were very alike. It made a lot of sense and I remembered you said sth about bpd and autism sharing some similarities in some aspects of how the brain works. She also told me about recent studies showing the underreported diagnosis in women. My psychiatrist and psychologist also dismissed it, because I don’t avoid eye contact and have friends. I’m really confused right now, but it’s also kinda relieving to get to know myself a bit more and to think that the struggle I’ve felt my whole life is real. (Sorry for the long text!)

Hey :) Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. Just like to be able to dedicate a bit of time to longer messages like this and I rarely have the attention span for it! But of course I remember the conversation, it was really interesting to hear about what the contestant went through. 

So yes, BPD and autism are often misdiagnosed as each other as there are similar traits that are often found. Usually around attractions to patterns and structure and also around empathy. Like I don’t generally feel empathy for people in the same way most people do. I’d say unless you’re a close friend or family member - or maybe if you’re a child - I probably wouldn’t feel empathy towards you. I generally make decisions about moral standpoints and such based on what logically makes sense to me rather than any kind of emotional connection because I just don’t really feel that. I think the reasons autistic people may sometimes struggle with empathy are different but to an external person would seem very similar so can often be confused. 

To address your two points that made you unsure about the diagnoses, BPD is definitely highly interpersonal so it can change drastically depending on who you’re with. I can be friends with someone for quite a while and they have no idea but if I’m in a romantic or physical relationship with someone they’ll know within a few days. Romantic relationships are my personal trigger so they’re where I struggle the most. Then in terms of autism, lack of eye contact doesn’t really mean anything. I think that’s a common misconception people have but two of my cousins are autistic and they were both very outgoing and friendly, they were incredibly tactile, I didn’t notice them not looking me in the eye but I probably don’t look people in the eye much because that feels weird haha. Women in particular are not well studied when it comes to autism as you kind of mentioned. They are generally better at “masking” and so are often misdiagnosed or their condition isn’t picked up until well into adulthood. So even if you have friends and can look people in the eye it wouldn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t fit the criteria. 

I wouldn’t want to diagnose you with anything myself as I’m not a professional and I don’t know you personally. The DSM outlines the criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. You have to demonstrate at least five of the following and as with all mental illnesses they have to cause a significant impact on your ability to carry out your responsibilities and go through daily life:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Those are the criteria that would most likely be used to assess you. In the UK we can be diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a GP but have to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to get a PD diagnosis. It sounds like you’ve already been in contact with them. I’m not too sure how it works where you are. Can you get a second opinion? Are there other doctors you could make an appointment with? Could you go private? I’m very aware of the fact that having the NHS in the UK means that my experiences are not applicable to everyone’s circumstances but for me when I first went to get help I was given meds and a depression and anxiety diagnosis and sent on my way. When that didn’t help I went back and got a higher dosage. And then it still didn’t help and finally I was kind of at rock bottom (or I thought so at the time) and needed help and so what I did on that occasion was have a friend accompany me into the room. They had created a list of things they’d seen me do or heard about me doing that were concerning to them and gave them to the doctor, and they kind of backed me up and gave me moral support. It shouldn’t have taken someone else being in the room for me to be taken seriously but having someone there who could express what I might have been too shy or self conscious to say was really helpful. In the end I got referred for treatment and it wasn’t right for me ultimately as my problems were more complex but it helped for a bit. I don’t know if there’s anyone in your life you trust to be able to be there to support you but I think it can be really intimidating to push back with doctors and professionals and having someone there who knows you and cares about you can be the thing that gives you that extra bit of courage you need. 

I’m not sure how helpful that is but I’m available if you want to ask me any questions about BPD or any explanations of how I experience the symptoms or anything like that :) 

#ask #anon #non royal #mental health #mental illness #actually bpd #actually borderline #bpd #borderline personality disorder

[successfullyadhd]

im 31, and after over a decade of trying to figure out what is wrong with me, my therapist and I are finally thinking it’s ADHD. i’ve had a gut feeling about it for a while and every ADHD post is relatable. now the problem is finding an place that does adult assessments and is affordable (no insurance). do you have any tips on going through the assessment as an adult? and if i can’t afford it, and can’t get medication. how do i ever become the productive focused person i want to be? thanks.

Sorry in advance for the long post... I put the most relevant bits in bold for a TL;DR version.

 I know getting diagnosed as an adult can seem daunting, but you shouldn’t worry too much. While ADHD was once viewed as something that only affected children, it is now widely recognized as a lifelong disorder and you shouldn’t have to fear being dismissed because you weren’t diagnosed early in life. It’s extremely helpful that you have been seeing a therapist, and they also think you have ADHD. Ask them to send over their notes when you do go to the doctor.

As for how to get diagnosed - I’ll start by saying I hate the way American healthcare is set up, as medication and healthcare in general are expensive. I have to move frequently for me and my husband’s jobs (we both work in hospitality, and as the saying goes, “You have to move out to move up!”). Because most (all?) ADHD medications are a Schedule II drug (highly regulated but still legal), I have to get rediagnosed in every new state. I always bring my past history, but most doctors want to complete testing as they are monitored for prescribing stimulants and can lose their license if found to be providing this medication without ample documentation. (All of this to say - I have been through the procedure many times as an adult.) Depending on the state, some doctors also require bloodwork and an EKG to ensure you are healthy enough to receive the medication (although some will accept past test results if done recently enough.) Also depending on the state and doctor, they may have additional requirements. In Florida, my doctor wanted a multitude of tests, and asked for a sleep study to ensure the medication wasn’t causing poor sleep. In California, as part of the Kaiser HMO system, I was required to do periodic drug tests to ensure I wasn’t also using street drugs, and to check that the Adderall was in my system (as a test that I was using it as prescribed, and not selling it). Some states are much easier – Utah, Alabama and West Virginia all were able to diagnose me in one appointment and prescribed the medication same day. Last, a General Practitioner won’t typically prescribe it and will direct you to a psychiatrist. Even if you did have insurance, most don’t cover psychiatrists or if they do, it comes with a different deductible (because obviously mental health isn’t part of regular health (heavy sarcasm)). After diagnosing, you have to meet with the doctor once a month to get the prescription refilled – due to the Schedule II status, they can’t have it on an auto-refill like other medications and they need to ensure you aren’t abusing it or having negative side effects. (although the one good thing to come out of COVID is that it normalized tele-health appointments, since an in-person meeting with a doctor once a month can be difficult to schedule). Even though I have health insurance, I typically pay out of pocket $120 a month for my visit with the doctor, and after insurance and a coupon I pay $73 for two medications (Adderall & Vyvanse). I’m fortunate now to be able to afford that expense – at the times in my life where I couldn’t, I would request a 30 day supply of the more affordable pills and only take medication on days where I couldn’t function without it (such as doing large amounts of paperwork) and try to use learned behavior techniques the rest of the time, to stretch out my resources.

As far as what goes into the actual diagnosis – doctors most commonly use a questionnaire about your daily life to assess you. Here is a link to commonly-used questionnaires: https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-assessments-and-tests/.

I know I just made it seem very daunting to get diagnosed and on a medication, but I want to be honest with you about what the process looks like, and again, depending on where you live it can be done in one session. Now that is out of the way, let me give you some information that is more helpful:

If you can, skip asking a regular GP for a referral and make an appointment directly with a psychiatrist. This will save you the extra cost of the doctor’s appointment, just to be told someone else will help. Many places have low cost mental health centers and ADHD falls into that realm, so I would check out what is available in your city. Before making an appointment, confirm the following:

-          Do they diagnose ADHD?

-          Do they prescribe medication? (Therapists don’t prescribe, only psychiatrists, and some will not prescribe ADHD medication at all so it’s important to be clear that it is your intention to receive medication if diagnosed)

-          What tests do they require for diagnosing, and prescribing medication? (Some places may have more or less requirements, and it can even vary within a city or state. This way you will know if it’s something you can afford at the time.)

Talk with the doctor about your specific situation, and what medications are affordable without insurance. Adderall, for example, is past the 10 year exclusive patent and now has a generic version available. It comes in quick release and slow release, depending on your needs. You can also talk to the doctor about a prescription to both quick and slow release, so you take the correct medicine based on your needs for that day (marathon work day? Slow release that extends over the entire day. Afternoon project – quick release that lasts for four hours). Vyvanse is great but doesn’t have a generic version and is insanely expensive without insurance (to the tune of $350+). Use the GoodRX app to find deals on medication without insurance (Adderall is about $15 for a month supply with this app). There are a ton of drug options so look up the pricing during the doctor’s visit, so you can confirm that you can afford what they prescribe. Also keep in mind that getting a prescription filled is the same cost whether you get 1 pill or 30 (a fact I learned the hard way when getting a 10 pill prescription filled once.)

 If you read all that and thought, Thanks but no thanks, here are some other options:

-          My psychiatrist in Florida recommended that I take Rhodiola Rosea supplements in addition to medication, as it has clinically proven positive effects on ADHD symptom control. I found it on Amazon. Omega-3 fatty acid supplements are also proven effective.

-          If you’re interested in this sort of thing, here is a super comprehensive study of various dietary supplements and behavior modifications that work or don’t work for ADHD: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4968082/

-          Practicing meditation is a great way to relax your body (increased stress, while helpful for short-term tasks, can make ADHD symptoms worse long term) and train your mind to hold onto singular, important thoughts (people’s names, why you walked into the kitchen, etc). I use the Waking Up app and love it – there are also many free options in the App Store and on YouTube.

-          Regular exercise is another great way to manage ADHD symptoms, as it gives your body a natural serotonin and dopamine boost, two important chemicals your body has trouble producing and absorbing naturally.

-          Caffeine is a great, easily accessible stimulant that has a focusing and calming effect on ADHD individuals. My doctor actually asked my parents to give me coffee each morning before school when I was a child, before we moved onto prescriptions.

-          Often, there are other factors that go along with ADHD, such as anxiety and/or depression. Getting this under control can go a long way in managing ADHD as well. I’m not sure if you have any issues with those, but it can be helpful to treat both if you do. The medication Wellbutrin is used to treat depression and also has mild stimulants, which would be helpful for both conditions. It isn’t a Schedule II drug, so you can probably ask your doctor for a 3 or 6 month prescription.

-          There are a ton more mind hacks and learned behavioral mechanisms you can try – read some of my other posts for suggestions.

Of course, I have to give the legal disclaimer – all of this is based on my personal experience, I’m not licensed in the medical field in any way and only a doctor can give you proper advice for your body and situation, and what medications will be most helpful. 😊

#adhd #adhd diagnosis #actuallyadhd #actuallyadd #executive dysfunction #neurodivergent #adhd advice #getting diagnosed #going to the doctor

[theivfdiaries]

Today’s morning monitoring was so stressful... I woke up a little extra early and drove to the clinic 30 mins away rather than the one 5 mins away because I wanted to see my doctor and he is at the further office. I knew the general area of where the office is but I’ve only been there 3 times and I only drove 1 of them, so I used my GPS which routed me a totally different direction and told me “you have arrived” when I wasn’t there yet. So I got super lost and ended up at a back entrance that was literally gated off? I was supposed to arrive at 8:20 and I had to be there by 8:30, but because of how lost I got I ended up being late and frantically calling the office telling them to please wait for me, but of course there’s no direct line to the office so I just got the call center. It was SO stressful, I ended up running into the office at 8:34 and the receptionist seemed annoyed but I told her the situation and she told me I was lucky because the doctor was still there.

After all that, turns out, my doctor wasn’t even in today. Ugh. I should’ve checked. But at least I was able to be seen. This doctor told me that he thought the doctor from Monday over-measured my lining... she had said my lining was 7.3mm and today he measured 5.6mm.

I spoke to my nurse later, and she thinks he under-measured now, and that I’m actually around 6mm which is exactly where I should be at this point. I was super concerned that they keep giving me different answers but she assured me that my doctor was looking at all the photos (not just the report) and making the decisions for my treatment based on his interpretation of the photos, so that was reassuring. I also have my next appointment (the important one, apparently) scheduled for Tuesday with my doctor now. Apparently this is the one where he will clear me to start my PIO injections later in the week! If all goes well, I will only have 2 more morning monitoring appointments before my transfer. It is so unreal how quickly this is coming up, but at the same time how insanely slow it all is. I just can’t believe I may finally be getting a positive pregnancy test in just over 3 weeks, and that’s what keeps me going!

In addition, my marriage (which has been on the rocks for the past few weeks) seems to have taken a huge turn the past couple days. My husband is really stepping up and taking more responsibility and I am so grateful for that and for him. I was getting nervous about bringing a baby into the mix when we’ve been having problems, but couples counseling seems to be doing wonders for us already and I don’t want to jinx it, but I think we are in a really good place now and I am so relieved.

#ttc #ivf #ivf warrior #infertility #fertility #infertility warrior #male factor infertility

[tmitransitioning]

im sorry if youve answered something like this before, but do you or your followers have any advice for talking to a doctor about top surgery? i live in BC and its a totally viable thing, but im very awkward and shy, plus anxiety on top of that. is there an easy way to bring this up to my doctor?

I could have sworn I did write a post about this, BC-specific too (same hat!), but I can’t for the life of me find it via search, which means that you probably wouldn’t have been able to either. I think it depends on whether your doctor is your family doctor/GP or if they’re already seeing you for hormones. The latter doctor has probably done a lot of referrals for surgery, and the former may not be as familiar. Bear with me here, because you have a couple different options and it’s early in the morning. c:

I’m going to go under the assumption that you’re familiar with Trans Care BC’s guide, but are getting stuck on the first part, which requires asking about a readiness assessment. They also have a specific page on readiness assessments (second tab, if the link doesn’t open properly); the important part here is “qualified”, because medical professionals in BC do some extra training to be able to assess people for trans-related surgeries. If you’re on hormones, and still seeing the doctor who originally prescribed them to you, then they are almost certainly qualified to do this. Let’s call that Scenario A. If you’re not on hormones, or if you are and no longer seeing the original doctor, but you have a GP, let’s call that Scenario B. If you don’t have a GP, or talking to yours isn’t an option, let’s call that Scenario C.

Scenario A (trans-competent doctor): At your next appointment, you can say something like “what’s the process like to get assessed for top surgery?”. You can say this even if you already know—it’s just meant to let your doctor know you’re interested and want to gather information. The doctor will probably tell you about the readiness assessment, and say whether or not they are able to do it. Sometimes, if you’re on hormones, the assessment of your health that they did for that will count, and they can jump straight to writing the referral letter for you.

Scenario B (doctor, but not necessarily trans-competent): I think that the least anxiety-inducing way of handling this would be to ask them at your next appointment if they “have any experience doing readiness assessments for transgender surgeries”. They may say yes, in which case you’re golden. They may say no, in which case you can say “okay, thanks, do you know of anywhere I could get referred to have one done?”. They might refer you to another clinic, or to a psychologist; they might also say that there’s no referral required and that you can contact another clinic/practitioner directly. Which leads me to…

Scenario C (no GP): You can contact Trans Care BC directly and ask them to help you look up assessors near you. They even have an email form on that page, so you don’t have to call them on the phone. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, and you don’t have to justify yourself to them; you can say something as simple as “Hi, my name is [X] and I live in [region/city]. I’m trying to find a doctor that I can talk to about top surgery, and who can assess me for it. I [have/don’t have] MSP coverage [or any secondary insurance]. Thank you for your time!”. You have my full permission to copy/paste that message and fill in the blanks if it’s helpful for you; the folks working there have been very nice whenever I’ve talked to them. You’ll also be asked, either on the email form or over the phone, how old you are + your nearest city + what health coverage region you fall under.

If you’re under Coastal Health/live in Greater Vancouver/can easily access Davie or Broadway in Vancouver, you can also call Trans Speciality Care directly; they refer to Three Bridges downtown and Raven Song off Broadway. I’ve been to both (for HRT/assessments and injection training respectively) and they’re very nice. [EDIT FEB 21: I’ve since been told they no longer run trans services through Raven Song.]

If saying something out loud, to a doctor’s face, is too stressful, I think C might be a good option for you—I personally find email contact a lot easier than the phone, and Trans Care BC exists in large part to help people coordinate healthcare services. They also handle all surgery referrals in the province anyways; that’s where doctors send your referral letters once they’re done, and then they go into a queue, and then you get a phone call from Trans Care BC once your name comes up giving you surgeon options and possible dates. (You don’t have to decide on the spot.)

You could also write your question down on paper and physically hand it to a doctor! If that sounds awkward, you could preface it with “I want to ask you something, but I’m anxious to say it out loud. I wrote it down; can I just hand the paper to you?”. Chances are they’ll say yes. You can also read the question off of paper, like a script.

And, finally: This is less tailored advice than it is a weird fact of… anxiety in general, but especially this situation. It seems a lot more terrifying in your head than it ends up being. For you, this is a major step in your life; for the doctors, it’s something they do all the time, and the mismatch can feel pretty weird if you’re internally going “oh my god, I can’t blow this” and then you speak to someone who has the same casual air as if they’re seeing you for a chest cold.

It’s not a bad thing, and this isn’t to knock doctors at all—I mention it because a doctor who advertises themself as trans-friendly here, and who operates in the network of trans health services, that doctor is not seeing you as weird or a medical anomaly based on your trans identity. They’re seeing you as part of their patient demographic, and likely know that you’re anxious about this. You’re not doing anything wrong and won’t be yelled out of the office because you’re shy.

- Mod Wolf

#bc #canada #british columbia #surgery #surgery referral #top surgery #mastectomies #mod wolf #is overtagging so they can find this post later

[gobigorgohome2016]

All the Cliches

When I started writing this post in my head, I was going to title it something like Out of Hibernation, yet make it known that I wasn’t planning to bore you with a 1,300 word soliloquy comparing myself to a Bleeding Heart (which is apparently a Spring perennial and, you know, we’re all about cliches here) blooming through the last remnants of Winter frost.

Then I thought, no, do I really need an intro to tell everyone I’m back on my bullshit after a few steps forward and another step back?  

Then I realized...isn’t running really just the epitome of a giant cliche?  

TL;DR I had a big accomplishment in the fall and thought the momentum would carry over super easily into the Spring.  I ignored some symptoms, realized I was anemic, felt really sad, and now I’m starting to feel like myself again.  aka, the simple, common, cliched journey of every.single.runner.

Even though this experience is the embodiment of what it means to be an endurance athlete, why do we act surprised every single time?  Leading up to Philadelphia, after my year of mystery illness [which, it turns out, had another plot twist.  Remember how I was having a massive immune system reaction and pretty terrible quality of life?  Well, after we found mold in the house the problem went 90% away.  The remaining 10% was still driving me crazy.  Long story short, the installation of a whole-home water filter has returned me to a fully functioning human being.  Hello, my name is Anna and I’m just your local canary in the coal mine] I vowed I would do a better job about just letting life go with the flow and not try to fight the current every step of the way.  I guess I got too big for my britches because - lo and behold - I found myself avoiding what I pretty much knew all along.

After Philadelphia, I took 2 weeks off and really enjoyed my down time.  The highlight was a day trip to French Lick, where Dave and I hit the casino (I won $25), ate all the sweets, shopped, split an amazing kobe beef burger, got day drunk, and took the scenic drive home.  The next day I started running again and, much to my surprise, felt way better than I normally do after two weeks of zero exercise.  This felt like a big win. 

December turned out to be extra crazy, then at the end of January I co-hosted a women’s running retreat, BAnna Camp.  Any fatigue I was feeling during December and January I just chalked up to stress and the typical things you do when you’re in that awkward in-between period from one race to another:  less sleep, less healthy food, less fitness.  

^have to make sure this post never dies

The first day I was in Austin, Becki and I did a workout together.  It was my first “real” workout back (other than some fartleks and strides), and it wasn’t even supposed to be hard:  3 x 7 min @ 6:00 pace.  I STRUGGLED.  I couldn’t breathe, my quads were heavy, and the paces felt much more difficult than they seemed like they should.  But, there were plenty of excuses:  it’s windy, we were running a net uphill, I was dehydrated from travel, I was stressed about the upcoming camp, etc. etc.  Midway through that workout I had a very distinct thought of oh shit, this feels very anemic right now.  That night I texted my friend who would be joining us later in the week and asked her to bring some iron pills, since I had forgotten my supplement.  

The following week my workout didn’t feel great, but again, it was easy to make excuses.  I was on a treadmill.  I was still catching up on sleep from camp.  Maybe I’m more out of shape than I thought. 

Longer efforts didn’t feel great, but I was getting them done.  My paces felt quick, but, winter training never feels amazing.  Plus, it seemed like every workout I did was into a strong wind, so how can you really judge pace and effort?  

In early February, I had my first race of the season which was a 5 miler in downtown Indy.  I had told Dave I was going to hold 5:30 pace for as long as I could and see what happened.  My first mile was 5:54, and Dave said he could hear me breathing before he could see me.  I was 3rd that day in just under 30:00.  Again, there were plenty of excuses.  It was windy.  We had celebrated Valentine’s Day the night before, so maybe steak, lobster, buttered mashed potatoes, and wine wasn’t the best pre-race meal?  

During my sulking about the race I had an aha moment.  In December, prior to realizing we had an issue with our water, I was trying to figure out what was still causing skin rashes and GI issues.  The only thing I was taking every day was ferrous sulfate, which is an iron supplement that is gentle on your stomach but has some suspect ingredients (food colorings, sorbate, etc.).  I decided to switch my supplement (one that had worked for me for YEARS) to something that seemed “cleaner”:  ionic iron.  While I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what could be wrong, it occurred to me to check my iron dosage.  

I was taking ~10% of my normal ferrous sulfate dosage, and honestly don’t even know how absorbable ionic iron even is.  That day I made the switch back to ferrous sulfate, but knew that if my iron/ferritin was low, it would take about 6 weeks before I felt a difference.

If at this point you’re reading along and thinking to yourself, it’s not expensive to just go and get a blood test to find out whether your iron is low - you are absolutely correct.  I should have just scheduled an appointment to take a blood test and find out.  But, I’m stubborn.

Two weeks after my 5 mile race I flew to Atlanta for the Road to Gold, an 8 mile race on the 2020 Olympic Trials course.  This is a whole other post in and of itself, but I will say that the hype is real.  That course is going to be hard.  

While the experience was great, my time was not.  My goal had been to run 5:45 pace through the first 4 miles and then pick up the pace.  While I did go through the first 4 miles in 22:50, just under my goal, I went through the next 4 miles in 24:20ish, and again felt as though I couldn’t breathe.  I finally conceded it was time for a blood test. 

The results were pretty much exactly what I thought they would be:  low ferritin, high CO2 in my blood, and borderline-low Vitamin D.  After weeks of agonizing over whether I was out of shape I finally had an answer (albeit one I should have just figured out sooner).  So, I upped my iron supplement and looked ahead.  

Nowhere to go but up, right?

In the following weeks I paid better attention to meal timing (i.e., if I was having a steak for dinner I wasn’t pairing it with red wine or other iron-inhibiting foods).  I cut out my second cup of coffee in the afternoon so that my body could have a better chance at iron absorption.  I focused more on sleep.  I got back on nutrient tracking to make sure I was getting everything I needed from my diet.  

and it paid off

6 weeks after my miserable 5 mile race where I could barely run faster than 5:58 pace for 5 miles, I ran 1:16:37 in the Carmel half marathon on a less-than-ideal day with rain and wind.  

During race week I cut out all caffeine and red wine to hopefully give my body the extra boost it needed to absorb iron.  I meal prepped early in the week so that I had nutrient-rich options readily available.  I said no to a couple work-related opportunities that popped up in favor of less stress, and I gave myself my best chance to succeed.  

In truth, sometimes setting yourself up for success is scary.  What if you do everything possible and you don’t succeed?  I have seen so many talented athletes give up because they went all in and it didn’t immediately pay off.  But, that’s probably another post for another day, too. 

Come race day we had 15 mph winds, pouring rain, and puddles on the course.  It will sound sarcastic when I say this, but that truly is my favorite racing weather.  Going into the race my A goal (not accounting for weather) was 75 min, B goal 76 min, and C goal 77 min.  My plan was to run the first 10 at 5:45 effort, then see how fast I could go the last 5k.  

Starting off, I was very pleased to find myself in a pack of men and through the first mile around 5:40.  I NEVER trust my GPS, so all splits I give will be those from the course.  I went through 4 miles in 22:50 - the exact same time I went through 4 miles in Atlanta, only this time I felt so much better.  I went through 6.55 (again, as marked on the course, not my GPS) in 37:26 and felt like I really had a chance at sub 75 still.  Through 10 miles I was right at 58 min.  I felt strong for the first time in a long time. 

Around mile 11 I started to get tired, and just focused on getting through 0.5 miles at a time.  T last couple miles were definitely the toughest, as they were mostly uphill/into the wind.  76:38 is my fourth fastest half [74:03, Houston, PERFECT weather; 75:20, ‘17 US championships, goal race full taper, 75:59, Columbus half, 4 weeks out from Philly], and this gives me a lot of encouragement considering some sub-par months of training.    

Now that I am feeling the effects of higher ferritin, I’m beginning to wonder if I wasn’t a little bit low during my Philly build up.  I have had some of my best long runs and workouts the past couple weeks - ones that would have blown away what I did leading up to Philly.  It also makes sense, given how I felt the last half of my Philly race, that my ferritin may have been low.  Moving forward, I’m going to schedule blood work much more regularly so that I don’t have preventable problems like this occur.  Definitely kicking myself, but, as with all failures in life it was a great opportunity to learn and grow.  

My next race is in 6 weeks and I’ll be at the 25k championships in Grand Rapids.  I’m looking forward to seeing what another 6 weeks of quality training and (hopefully) warmer weather can do for my fitness!  

[peoplediedrobert]

I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues

A exploration of Aaron and postnatal depression

AO3 

*this fic will not be for everyone. It is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart because I suffered from (and still do really) postnatal depression for 18 months. I thought it would be interesting to work out my feelings through Aaron, as male postnatal depression is NEVER given the attention it deserves. Given his history (just like mine), he is a prime candidate for PPND. I hope you give it shot, and let me know what you think. Keep negative comments to yourself, though!* 

(If someone needs more info about postnatal depression or PPND, shoot me a message!)

It starts small, as these things often do. Seb had been living with Robert and Aaron only a few weeks when Aaron began waking up multiple times throughout the night, more often than not for no reason. Seb would be sound asleep, baby monitor softly crackling beside Robert’s head, but Aaron would strain his ears to make doubly sure Seb was fine. He would roughly wake up in a sweat, heart pounding, body twisted in the duvet, sometimes he even bolted straight up. This went on for weeks.

The lack of sleep became apparent immediately. Aaron’s sullen and sometimes dark attitude worsened with each day he survived on four hours (or less) of sleep. He was easily irritated by everyone, more so than usual. On more than one occasion he would snap at Robert or Liv over something insignificant and had to watch them curl up within themselves, eager to get away from Aaron’s sharp tongue. Aaron hated himself for that, but couldn’t stop it. His mind was on edge. It was like he had no control over his own mind or thoughts. He found himself staying at the scrapyard for even ten extra minutes, just to revel in the silence. The Mill was always loud. Seb was babbling or crying, Liv was listening to music at a ridiculous volume, and Robert was just always there, hovering. Double checking. Trying to soothe what he didn’t understand but only making it worse.

Aaron began skipping breakfast. He just wasn’t hungry, and if he stayed in bed, he had at least half an hour to himself every morning. At first, Robert would try to bring him a tray of food, joking about breakfast in bed for his beautiful husband but Aaron could do nothing but pick at the food, his appetite nonexistent. Robert stopped trying after a few days. Aaron found himself pulling away from Robert. The small touches they gave one another throughout the day--a hand on the small of a back, brushing up next to one another periodically, light squeezes of a hand in passing--became too much. His smile became an even rarer sight than before and he could feel himself becoming smaller and smaller, hunching over.

The moment he knew there was an actual problem was when he found himself getting irritated and angry when he heard Seb cry. It began to feel like Aaron had to physically force himself to pick Seb up and comfort him. It felt like he didn’t want to pick him up but knew he had to. The guilt gnawed at him for weeks--what kind of a bloke gets irritated at a baby? What kind of a bloke begins to resent the idea of caring for an innocent child who just wants love and attention?

Aaron didn’t understand. He was in a good place. He had worked hard to get to this healthy point in his life. The pain of the last year had taught him to open up just a bit more, to reach out rather than bottle it all up within himself. He felt like a failure. Maybe everything he had told Robert, over and over again, about not resenting Seb was a lie that he told himself because he missed Robert so much? There’s no way he could be a good father anyway, given his history, right? That voice in his head, fanning the fire of self doubt, got louder and louder every day. Aaron got the urge to run. To run as far as he could, as fast as he could, away from the stress, the noise, the way Robert and Liv began walking on eggshells around him. He wanted to feel the burn in his legs so maybe the constant and ever present anxiety in his head would go away. This was a problem.

It all comes to a head on a bright and cheery Sunday morning. After finally falling asleep as the sun rose, Aaron is awoken by the sound of Robert, Liv, and Seb at the breakfast table. Aaron sits up in bed, his eyes bleary and his head pounding. The night prior had actually been a good night--he’d gotten nearly five hours of sleep. Aaron heaves himself out of bed, throws on whatever clothes he can find and joins his family, feeling hungry for once. He notices immediately that everyone quiets down when he reaches the bottom of the stairs, all turning to look at Aaron. He gives them all a smile and he can physically feel the tension in the room dissipate (when did that happen? When did everyone look to Aaron to figure out how the day would go?) He sits down at the table, doing his best to insert himself in the conversation. Liv gives him small looks across the table, searching his face for signs of the old Aaron, a grumpy git to everyone else but a big softie when they were in their home. He tries hard to give her what she wants. He smiles and he asks questions and he ruffles Seb’s hair in passing. All of it feels like an act.

Shortly after breakfast, Robert suddenly looks to Liv and softly asks, “Can you take Seb to the pub to see Chas, or over to see Diane? Just for an hour or so.” The look on his face is so earnest, it’s impossible for her to say no. They gather up all the little things he might need and pack it in to the diaper bag. Liv gives Aaron a little hug and pushes the pram out the front door.

“What was that for, Robert? I thought you wanted to spend today as a family?” Robert says nothing. He guides Aaron to the couch and sits him down and takes a seat on the other side. The distance between them has never been greater, and Aaron wants to cry. Robert continues to sit in silence, clearly gathering his thoughts, opening and closing his mouth a few times until the anticipation gets to Aaron and he barks, “Would you please get on with it, Robert?” At that, Robert turns to Aaron and the world falls out from beneath him when Robert asks, “Do you regret this? Me and Seb? Do you want us to leave?”

Shock runs through Aaron and out of his mouth before he can think. “What are you on about, Rob? Where is this coming from?” “Aaron, I know you pretty well, surprisingly, and something isn’t right. And it hasn’t been right since Seb moved in with us. I know it was your idea, but I wouldn’t blame you if this is too much. We can always say we gave it a go again and it didn’t work.” Robert looks impossibly sad, and Aaron’s heart swells at the thought that Robert could put himself through this just so Aaron would be happy.

Aaron lurches forward and pulls Robert into a bone crushing hug. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t know what’s wrong, but it isn’t you, and it isn’t Seb.” He releases Robert and then taps the side of his own head as he says, “It’s something up here. I don’t know what’s happening. Maybe I’m not cut out for this but I don’t want you to go.” Robert looks deep in Aaron’s eyes, and immediately Aaron knows what the next question will be as he gestures at Aaron’s stomach.

“You haven’t…”

“No, Robert. I haven’t. But something is wrong and I don’t know what.”

“Well then we figure it out, together. I love you, Aaron and I want you to let me help.”

Aaron drags his hand across his face, wiping up the tears he didn’t even know he’d been shedding and takes a deep, ragged breath as he admits, “I think I need to see someone. At the very least I need to figure out what’s happening in my head.” He leans his head back against the couch, just enjoying the feeling of Robert rubbing his arm over and over. The exhaustion of the past few weeks settled over Aaron and he physically sags against its weight.

Aaron makes an appointment with his GP and has to force himself to go the morning of. As he arrives, his nerves are jumping. His foot jingles nervously against the floor until it is his turn to go back into the office. She welcomes him and gestures for him to sit down. “What brings you here today?”

Aaron doesn’t even know where to begin. How do you explain to a fellow adult that well, you aren’t sleeping well and you aren’t that hungry and you’re irritable? He would sound like he’s describing every teenager ever. “I don’t know. My partner and I took in his little boy to live with us full time. It was great in the beginning. We went through a rough patch last year but we got back together and everything was fine. Then…” Aaron stops, embarrassed at what he’s about to say.

“Aaron, I will help in every way that I can. But I need to know what’s happening.”

Another deep breath and he lets it all out. His struggles in the past, his sleeplessness now, how irritated he is at everything and everyone, most importantly how he has started to feel towards Seb. He recounts every moment of anxiety, every time he felt like clawing his own skin, every time he just wanted to run and never look back. Here he was in front of what was essentially a stranger, tears in a constant river down his face, laying himself bare. When he’s done, he just looks up to the doctor and is met with an immensely sympathetic face.

“I think the answer is rather more simple than you think, Aaron. From everything you’ve told me I think you’re suffering from postnatal depression, specifically paternal postnatal depression. Although it manifests itself in hundreds of ways, your sleeplessness, irritability and the inability to connect with Seb all point to that diagnosis.”

Aaron’s breathing slows and he looks at the doctor, confusion written all over his face. Without meaning to, and without understanding why, he begins to argue, “Isn’t that something only women get? He’s not biologically mine—why is this affecting me and not my partner?”

“Postnatal depression isn’t always about biology, Aaron. Yes, oftentimes when women suffer from it, it’s because of the hormonal changes in her body but it’s more than that. You’ve had your entire life interrupted by a very loud and very needy little human. Even if it was something you had prepared for, you don’t know how your brain will react when the baby actually gets here. More than that, It is common for someone with a history of depression to be affected—man or woman. You’ve done nothing wrong and this doesn’t mean you don’t love Seb or don’t want to care for him. That’s not how this works.”

Aaron lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He felt the weight lift from his shoulders and he sat up a bit straighter.

“There’s multiple ways we can treat this. Weekly counseling is your best bet, and there’s always medications we can try. If it helps, oftentimes postnatal depression lifts after the first year. There’s no reason to assume this is permanent. And you have nothing to apologize for. Now that you recognize the problem, you can begin to fix it.”

And that does it. Aaron’s face turns hot and the tears start falling all over again. That was his biggest fear—that this anxious, guilty, terrible feeling would be with him forever. That his brain could never just let him be.

The doctor hands him tissues and silently squeezes his hands. “We will solve this. Let’s make you some appointments. A more immediate ‘fix,’ if we could call it that, is that you have to get more sleep. Studies have shown that lack of sleep is the biggest trigger for postnatal depression. Make yourself a priority and this will pass.”

The drive home is mercifully long enough that Aaron can gather his thoughts. He can finally admit to himself how scared he had been of himself the last few weeks. He doesn’t even try to stop the tears making tracks down his face. It feels good to feel something other than anger and irritation.

When he arrives home, he sees Robert sitting on the couch, reading a book. He looks up when Aaron walks in through the front door and gives Aaron a small, cautious smile. “How did it go?” he asks. Aaron drops himself down next to Robert, thighs touching--he needs to feel connected to Robert again. He didn’t realize how far apart they had grown but now he feels it like a physical ache. He picks up Robert’s hands and intertwines their fingers.

“Turns out, and you may not believe this, but I’m normal.” Robert snorts and turns his head towards Aaron with a smile, “I don’t think either of us fit that description, but go on.” “The doc thinks I have paternal postnatal depression. So me being a mardy arse for these last few weeks is actually textbook.” Robert’s eyes go incredibly soft and he gives Aaron’s hand a squeeze as he continues. “I need to go to counseling once a week and possibly medication if it comes to that. Apparently with my history, this isn’t unheard of. So, now I know what the problem is. Also it’s been doctor approved that I need to get more sleep. So, I get all the lie-ins I want.” At that, Robert bursts out laughing and Aaron joins in. “Oh I see, you just wanted an excuse to be lazy,” Robert says teasingly. He gives Aaron a soft kiss, cradling his face in his hands. “We’ll get through this, Aaron. Together.”

Aaron continued to have bad days. He slept more, he took time for himself, he stopped taking the weight of the world on his shoulders, but he still had bad days. Days where everyone irritated him and he wanted to run, but instead of turning inward, he made an appointment or he talked to Robert, or he played in the garden with Seb or he played endless amounts of video games with Liv. Slowly and surely, the fog lifted and Aaron smiled more. He laughed more and felt like a normal human again. And the next time they bring a baby home, Aaron feels immensely more prepared.

#Aaron dingle #seb white #Robert sugden #tw mental health #tw PPND #tw depression #robron #robron fanfic #my terrible writing #postnatal depression #postpartum depression #seriously do not come for me #fanfic #myterriblewriting

[cuckoomagazine]

Why we decided to become parents after one phone call!

by Melanie Jones

I have always wanted to be a mammy, it’s all I have ever wanted to be since I got my first doll and buggy. A feeling that something wasn’t right brought fear and doubt that this would ever happen naturally.

When I was 24, I started to notice that my periods were getting further apart and only lasting a day or two. In certain months, I would not even get a period. I, as most people do, turned to Dr. Google to see what was going on. Showing up on the search was everything from eating disorders to cancer!! I stumbled across a parenting and baby forum and decided to join to see if anybody else had similar experiences. A few of the ladies on the forum suggested I use the BBT (Basal Body Temperature) charting method to see if I was ovulating. After 3 months of doing this method I only had an ovulation temperature rise one month and this got me worried. I spoke to my then boyfriend (now husband) of 6 years and I decided I would go to the doctor to discuss what was going on.

I went to my local GP. I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive and understanding doctor. She listened to my concerns and suggested I make an appointment with the SIMS clinic in Clonskeagh for an AMH exam which tests the level of egg reserve. The test consists of a simple blood test. I decided to make an appointment for the next available date, I was seen within a week.

The results only took 7 days to come through.  Unfortunately, I did not get the news I had hoped for, my egg count was only 13, I was shocked and extremely upset when I received the news. The staff at the SIMS clinic were brilliant, they discussed all of my options with me. The doctor explained that if I wanted to conceive naturally, it needed to be sooner rather than later. A women’s egg count decreases with age so time really was not on my side. I was devastated, my dreams of carrying a baby were falling around me. I phoned my boyfriend and his response was “OK well let’s have a baby, we will work this out”. I will never be able to thank him enough for those words. Later that night we talked everything through and decided to go for it.

We began to try and thankfully it was not that long before I became pregnant!! We were so happy but so nervous about telling people as we were both still living with our parents. However, once we explained the situation to our parents, they fully understand our decision and were delighted with the news.

As you can imagine, my pregnancy was difficult but I was so relieved that I was pregnant that I embraced every minute because I was not sure if I would be able to become pregnant again. On the 22nd of February 2014 Sienna Rose Jones was born, she was 7lbs 14 and was simply perfect, we were in love. As all parents know, it is a massive change in your life when you become a parent, I am not going to say it was easy but our positive attitude and approach made it easier. We were so happy with our little family. When Sienna was three months old, my now fiancé and I decided we didn’t want Sienna to be an only child. We agreed that it was time to try for a little brother or sister for Sienna. This time around, it took a little bit longer to conceive which added to my anxiousness that it would not happen. Thankfully, after 3 or 4 months we got great news and I was pregnant once again.

On 11 June 2015, Callum Arthur Jones was born. There was a small issue after his birth which meant a longer stay in hospital but thankfully it didn’t turn out to be anything serious. We had our ‘Gentleman’s Family’.

After Callum’s birth, we had a tough time. Having two babies only sixteen months apart was extremely difficult, but very rewarding too. When Callum was nine months old, I was diagnosed with post-natal depression. I suffered in silence for months because I didn’t want to admit anything was wrong, I thought that having post-natal depression meant I was failing and not coping. After finally admitting to my fiancé how I was feeling, I went to my doctor who prescribed medication which really helped. With the help of my family and the support services, I was able to get back on track.  

In 2016, I got married to my fiancé and having Sienna & Callum there made the day extra special.  In mid-2017, my husband and I decided we were ready to explore the option of a third child. I contacted the SIMS clinic and booked a follow up AMH test. As expected my egg levels had decreased, but my egg count was lower than I expected, it was only 7. The doctor advised me that he thought in twelve months I would be infertile.  My husband and I discussed the news, we agreed that we would try straight away.

After 4 months of trying, I didn’t think it was going to happen, but it was important to keep positive and a short time later, we got the news we wanted, I was pregnant.  On 24 May 2018, Jordan Thomas Jones arrived just weeks after my 30th birthday. This pregnancy was in no way easy. At our 20 week scan we were told there was a possibility he may have Down syndrome, we opted to have a Harmony test (a DNA test which would show if the baby had down syndrome) carried out as we felt we needed to be prepared for whatever the result would be but no matter what he was our baby boy. It was a stressful week of waiting on the results which came back stating there was a 0.1% chance that he had Down syndrome.

I had a fall at 29 weeks which meant I needed to visit the Coombe as I am rhesus negative (I am blood type O negative), if the baby had A, B or O positive a mix of blood could prove fatal for the baby and I. In order to treat the possible contamination, I got an Anti D injection, It is important for any mother that is rhesus negative to understand that the Anti D injection must be received within 48 hours of an event that could result in an internal bleed.

At 32 weeks, I was diagnosed with pre-natal depression. I was still a little slow at seeking help but I was relieved when I did. The support at the Coombe was excellent, the mental health nurse explained my treatment options and recommended that I take a low dosage anti-depressant. This helped with my feelings and anxiety.

It has been a traumatic few years for me and my family, but we are extremely fortunate to be in the position we are in. Our family is now complete. I have not opened up previously about my depression but I want people to know that it does not mean you are not coping or that you have failed. This is a topic that needs to be discussed more openly and more information needs to be available. The taboo needs to be removed from the topic and mothers need more support when it comes to pre and post-natal depression. My main message is to be positive and for women to be aware of their situations, a simple blood test changed my life, I will be eternally grateful for how things have turned out for me, I was at rock bottom when I got my original low egg count diagnosis but I have three wonderful children now and couldn’t be happier.

#pregnancy #kids #family #personal #blog #depression #mental #health #read #online #blogpost #ireland #magazine #cuckoomagazine

[laurenj966]

Being pregnant during A Global Pandemic COVID-19

About me, myself & a bit of him!

Hello everyone! My name is Lauren, I am 24 years old and I am a care assistant in a care home and my partner, Craig, 23, is a mechanic. Craig and I reside in Scunthorpe. In January 2019, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which was managed by medication. I grew up in Ashby, Scunthorpe as an only child. Craig was born in Scunthorpe then brought up in Barnetby. Craig and I met on Plenty of Fish in what I think was 2017!? We was on and off for a while but then he eventually got stuck with me! (Poor lad!). We only got to see each other at weekends due to work commitments which was hard at first, but the will power made it work.

We went on our first holiday together to Amsterdam on a mini cruise, then went to Benidorm in October 2018, where I lost all dignity due to a stomach bug! (Bless Craig, his first time on a plane!) We then decided to ‘gate crash’ my parents 25th wedding anniversary in Marmaris, Turkey in July 2019, where Craig and I got engaged on July 2nd, their anniversary! When we got home the planning began! We have our date set for the 12th June 2021, a beautiful church, venue, five bridesmaids, oh and a best man! Haha! With us planning a wedding, we thought we should move out! We bought a lovely three-bedroom semi-detached house in Scunthorpe. With a lot of Saving, blood, swear and tears, we finally moved in on Friday 13th December 2019 (I know! What a day!) and now we have our home just as we’d imagined.

 The mental health

After previous employment issues, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in January 2019. I was prescribed Sertraline tablets which were my rock! I had my bad days and good days. Planning the wedding and the house move was stressful, but it kept my mind occupied. I then got another job which I love, in a different care home. I was so scared of asking the doctor for help, but it was the best things I did! I was embarrassed for a while in front of people who knew I was on medication, but with support from my family and Craig, made me more confident.  

 Finding out

It was 5am on Saturday 25th April 2020 when I woke up and something told me to do a test. I had been on the ‘pill’ for years, to help control my heavy periods, but I chose to come off the pill earlier in the year as my periods were all over the place (Craig new about this!). I took one of those cheap tests and... a line appeared then a faint line! I shouted Craig and got him to look and he could see it too! We went back to bed then went to get a better test when the shops opened that morning. We bought a digital Clearblue test which said I was 1-2 weeks pregnant. We was both shocked as we had been careful, but we was both so happy! Craig said a few swear words and we both laughed and said, “oh s**t!”. I straight away went to tell mum, who did not believe me at first, but then was shocked and cried. The next person I had to tell was dad! (HELP!) Dad was more bothered about the house and the wedding, but he got over it! And I saw him smirk a little on the video call! Craig told his mum, dad, and sister, who were all over the moon. I then visited both sets of my grandparents to tell them and they were happy too!

I was due in work the following Monday and took advice from a nurse who said I was at risk been there with being early weeks due to the Coronavirus. I was then sent home by the area manager and was put on ‘Furlough’. I had my first appointment with the midwife on May 15th, unfortunately Craig was not allowed to come in with me due to the pandemic. This is when I realised that this pregnancy was going to be hard for both of us, especially Craig. I found out at the appointment that I was seven weeks pregnant, which meant the ClearBlue test was two weeks out!

1st Trimester  Week 1-12

Some of the symptoms started to show by week five! I became very bloated and my clothes were getting tight already! It was quite frightening, we were in lockdown, Craig’s garage was forced to be closed, I was ‘furloughed’ and no one was able to see each other. Not seeing mum everyday was hard. Craig did all the shopping while he was off work to protect me and the hand washing, and sanitising door handles game was very strong. As now there was not just me, I had to protect from a deadly virus, I now had my baby to protect. Craig’s garage finally reopened, and he had to go back to work. The first day was hard as I was used to him been here every day and now I had to do the shopping. As lock down was eased and we was allowed to see people again, distancing was key, I needed to protect my baby.

Nearing the 12th week and with been at home all day, I began to clear the spare bedroom, (baby’s room). I was always on the internet looking at ideas to decorate the baby’s nursery. By now we already had Moses baskets, bouncer, cot, almost everything! (I’m impatient!). I had my first scan at 12 weeks, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, because I had to do it alone as well as knowing Craig was missing out on seeing his first child in the womb. They confirmed there was only one baby in there! Phew! They said he’s looking perfect! And I got a photo to keep. It now felt real! At 18 weeks we booked an early gender scan at Hey Baby in Hull. This was when we found out the gender! The cravings were strong... crisps, fruit, and sweets, but still no sickness! Yay!

 Gender reveal!

We booked an early gender scan at Hey Baby in Hull as Craig was allowed to come into a private scan with me. Our scan was Saturday 31st July. We had arranged a gender reveal back home in the garden as the lockdown restrictions had been relaxed. The scan place was amazing, it had big screens to see the baby on, Craig could not believe it. I closed my eyes and waited for the lady to put the coloured light on. I opened my eyes and the room was... BLUE!! We was so happy I even cried! We got some brilliant scan photos of baby and we bought a confetti cannon! We got home and set the garden up. There was my parents, Craig’s parents and one set of my grandparents and we also video called my auntie and cousin. We nervously burst the cannon, and everyone was so happy for us. We then went to the Queensway for a meal.

 Mental health & pregnancy

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately stopped taking my Sertraline tablets. Luckily, I had no side effects. My GP told me to stop taking them however my midwife said to take them if needed. This meant that I would need extra scans as they can have an effect on the baby and I felt this would be selfish of me, if I continued to take the tablets, so I stopped and chucked them in the bin. Some days were definitely harder than others and still are but then I realised I came off the tablets for a good reason, for my boy! Only my closest family and of course Craig have supported me through this. My manager has been brilliant, she has phoned me almost every fortnight to see how I am.

I take comments to heart, always have done, always will due to the depression. So comments such as ‘you’re getting fat” “There must be more than one in there” “Do this” “Don’t do that” and pressures of breastfeeding instead of bottle feeding, all have an impact on my mental health that some people can’t see. Also, due to spending nearly all my school life been bullied, I am more scared of my child being bullied at school and not having friends like me. I want to give my boy everything he wants and needs in life just like I was given. I do spend too much time worrying about what I need to do in the future or what might happen in the future. But what I do know is that I will do my damn best to be the best role model I can be to my boy!

2nd Trimester Week 13-28

By week 20, the nursery is almost complete! We decided to go neutral and animal themed. I love it! We are lucky that we have a lot of built in storage in that bedroom. We built the cot, the changing unit and bought a lovely gliding nursing chair in beige. It is perfect! We also have our pram! It is like pushing a bus! We went for the Venicci Prestige Edition in Shadow Denim Grey and we got the 10-piece bundle. Two days before my birthday in August, I had my 20-week scan at the hospital. I was able to take someone along to this scan with me for some unknown reason! So, I chose to take mum as Craig was working. Mum could not believe it and said it was amazing! It was quite a long scan as they checked he had everything he should! He has two arms and two legs! His brain, spine and organs are growing as they should be, and she said he looks perfect and I got another picture! At 24 weeks I had a test for Gestational Diabetes, due to having a high BMI (Everything seems to be blamed on a person’s weight!). It was the longest appointment I’d had yet, and it was awful! I was told that if I got a call within a couple of days it would mean I have Gestational Diabetes... after a week and no phone call it turns out I DON’T have it! Yay! Baby had started to get very wriggly in there during these weeks. I had been to the hospital a few times as I had not felt him move which was really scary and I got told that because he is only tiny, I won’t feel him much. However, as the weeks went on, I started feeling a pattern in his movements... (my mealtimes!) but then one day did not feel him for about 12 hours. I was so scared; I called the hospital and was sent to the maternity ward and yet again I had to do this alone. (Even though at this point of the pandemic you could meet people in a pub but was not allowed one single person to come to the hospital with you at such a scary time!!!!). After waiting anxiously and seeing the midwife looking nervous, he was absolutely fine and was just hiding! Monkey! By week 27 I have baby’s bag packed, car seat and blanket ready! Just my own bag to pack! It has gone so fast and we are so excited! The cravings have stopped, I still have not had any sickness! But my hormones and emotions have been like a rollercoaster. I have felt like I needed the tablets, but I haven’t given in! I can do this!!

 The COVID baby shower

I had arranged a baby shower for November. I bought all the accessories I'd need to throw a baby shower for me and my boy. I had sent out invitations to close family and friends and planned what food I was going to make and what games we'd play. But then... Big bad Boris made yet another announcement, one that thousands and especially I did not want to hear... the rule of 6. Gatherings of six people maximum and he said this could be in place for the next 6 months. I gave it a few weeks and though about possibilities of having two separate parties of six, but then thought the second just would not be as good. So, I decided to cancel it. I am absolutely gutted. This pandemic really is breaking so many hearts and ruining peoples' plans.

3rd Trimester – week 29 – 32

At 29 weeks I was having a lot of stabbing pains in my lower abdomen I was sent to ward 26 and was monitored for over an hour. Baby’s heartbeat and movements were fine, then I was examined, and they said it was not labour. I also started my maternity leave at week 29.

I had a routine scan at 29 weeks and 2 days. I saw the doctor afterwards who said that baby was growing a little smaller than expected, but the midwife said he’s growing normally, and he weighs three pound. At this appointment I was also told that I had to commence Tinzaparin injections twice a day because of my varicose veins and to prevent blood clots. I was also told that there had been a prescription at the hospital for Aspirin since June! Which no one told me about! It came as a shock that I had to inject into my stomach twice a day as I am not a great fan of needles. I was sent home with sixty injections and a sharps bin. Some days are harder than others at doing the injections and they are leaving my stomach in a right mess!

The following day I had a routine appointment at the midwifes, she measured baby and said he’s fine and we listened to his heartbeat and she said that it’s perfect! I informed her about the injections, and she said I should be taking the Aspirin a long side the injections, so I had yet another trip to the hospital to get the tablets. I then requested to speak to the practice manager of my doctors surgery, to query why I haven’t been put on any form of blood thinners since going to the doctors since 2015 about my veins and being told repeatedly there’s nothing they can do (or should I now say will do!). Since being put on the injections and the tablets, I have felt fed up and I’ve been more annoyed at the fact of why was the possibility of having to be put on this medication not mentioned to me at the start of my pregnancy, it’s disgusting.

Another day, another letter through the door… I had an appointment with the Anaesthetist to talk about pain relief in labour. Disgusted and upset could not even describe how I felt after that phone call appointment. So yet again… “due to your BMI” I suggest you go straight for Epidural. No, I’d like to try without anything thankyou. I won’t lie, throughout this pregnancy, I have never felt so discriminated against by health professionals who I thought was are there to support you. But no, everything is put down to a person’s weight. If they’d bother to even, ask “why do you have a large BMI” they’d probably understand!

My midwife appointments are getting more regular now. At 32 weeks I had another appointment they said he’s measuring fine and his heartbeat is good. They are referring me to the consultant earlier than my next scan due to the severity of the bruising and pain caused by the injections.

 3rd Trimester – week 33 – 36

I got to see the consultant earlier than I should have regarding the bruising… typical! They’ve faded. So, I showed her the pictures I had taken but she wasn’t interested, just said to continue with the injections. Part of me felt selfish as they’re keeping both me and baby safe but the other part of me is finding it really hard physically and mentally. Twice a day having to count down to inject myself, suffering with the bruising and now lumps are appearing from where I’ve gone into something under the skin. But needs must n all that!!

Week 33 I had another scan, baby is now five pounds and is growing as well as expected. The lump I have sticking up on my stomach is his little bum! Every time his bum moves makes me laugh and love him even more!

At week 34 I had loads of appointments this week! I had my routine midwife appointment…. Now this was amusing! Little man decided to fight the doppler and send his heart rate up to 200!! The midwife said if it doesn’t decrease, I will have to go to the hospital to be monitored and put onto a drip. After filling in my notes she checked his heartbeat again and it had gone back to normal! What a monkey. The next day I had the health visitor visiting me, I heard they can be not very nice, but the lady appeared to be nice! I didn’t agree with some of the things she said and most of it is common sense and she gave me a little red book for baby. Last appointment of the week… I had a phone call appointment with the midwife about my birthing plan. I’m having him at Scunthorpe General (if he doesn’t pop out at home or in the middle Aldi! Haha!) I’m hoping to give birth in the birthing pool, firstly with no pain relief and if need be gas and air and then Craig is going to cut the cord. Typical me asked about self-discharge… I don’t like hospitals and I don’t want baby in that place for any longer than he needs to be especially at the minute.

By week 35, the hospital bags are fully packed! My monthly deep clean of the house has been done with thanks to mum for helping! And the Christmas tree is now up! So, now the moses baskets are in place upstairs and downstairs, baby’s bottles and everything else is organised. So now it’s just a matter of waiting!

[cripthevoteuk-blog]

Disabled in Theresa May’s Britain #34: Lauren [CW: suicide]

From West Midlands

In 2016 I was receiving okay (not great, but okay) treatment from Birmingham MH services for Bipolar Disorder whilst studying at university. I had regular appointments with a psychiatrist, I could always get my medication and I had somewhere to call/go in MH emergencies. 

In June 2016, I was informed that I would be immediately discharged from the adult services as everyone under 25 was to be moved to the new extended child and adolescent services 'Forward Thinking Birmingham'. I was told that I'd get a letter from FTB soon. My psychiatrist gave me prescriptions covering a much greater period of time than he had ever been comfortable doing before, I suspect because he knew I would not actually be hearing from them any time soon. He stressed to me that if I needed help in an emergency before FTB picked me up I could contact him there. I heard nothing from FTB until October. 

I called daily for months. My parents called daily. The most we ever got was an assurance that someone would phone us. I had an emergency in the summer. I tried to contact my old psychiatrist and was told by other staff that as I wasn't an adult patient anymore they couldn't let me speak to him. I ran out of medication. GPs wouldn't give me prescriptions without speaking to a current psychiatrist- which I didn't have. 

In September I went back for my third year of university pretty unwell. My university offered specialist mentoring for students with serious MH problems. I hadn't needed it before but now, receiving no treatment whatsoever and only able to get meds through a family friend with prescribing powers, I needed the help. To get that mentoring I needed a current psychiatrist. My university GP changed and that saved me. He started calling/writing to FTB about my case and others similar. He was visibly angry at them in our conversations and said they were totally unequipped to deal with the influx of patients but had lied and said they were. He said no one checked this. Through his efforts, I finally got an appointment in October. 

Instead of a hospital, I went to a dirty community centre in Selly Oak full of screaming children. They had none of my records or information. I had to go through my entire history again with my 'core worker', who told me that they were having trouble finding psychiatrists to see new 18-25 patients because all their previous psychiatrists were child and adolescent ones not suited to adult patients. He said they had to 'borrow' adult psychiatrists when they could find them and afford them and then hire extra space in random buildings around Birmingham, when possible, because their existing buildings were obviously used by their existing 0-18 work. I asked for a prescription and he told me he couldn't do that. He said he could ask the duty doctor but he "wouldn't like it". I started to cry so he agreed to do it so I would leave. 

I had to come back the next day for my prescription and when I did it was wrong. My mood stabiliser dose had changed and the type of antidepressant I was on changed totally. I challenged this and was told that the doctor 'thought it would be better'. I refused to accept it because no one with any medical credentials had seen me before making this change. I had to come back the next day. They had forgotten. The next day the drugs were right but the doses were wrong. Fortunately I already had a GP appointment that day too and I explained everything to him in tears. He wrote me a correct prescription and said he'd be speaking to them about this. 

I was offered a psychiatrist appointment in November, my first since June (I had previously been seeing or speaking to my psychiatrist once a month). My core worker was supposed to be there but didn't show up. The psychiatrist I saw tried to persuade me to change mood stabilisers and arranged blood tests to prepare for this. He talked a lot about talking therapies I could try which I agreed to. He said 'someone' would contact me about them. This didn't happen. I chased it up but I was just told someone would call me. They didn't. I had the blood tests but nothing happened. I didn't hear anything from FTB until January when my GP again stepped in. I'd been calling them as often as I could but I was at Uni 9-6 most days and the number was open 9-4. Even then they mostly didn't pick up and when they did they took my number and told me someone would get back to me. 

My cousin died in November. By January I was the sickest I'd been in years. When they got in contact in January they told my GP via letter they had seen me in December. This is either a mix up on their part or a complete lie. They later told my GP about two other appointments that didn't happen. When I challenged them on this they admitted that there hadn't been appointments and blamed admin. They offered me an appointment in February with my temporary core worker (as mine was on annual leave). He made me fill in a flow diagram about 'how I came to be this way' that I assume was designed for children as it had cute cartoons on it. I wrote "I have bipolar disorder" in every box. He laughed. I cried. That was the whole session. I'd given up on getting meds from them at this point and fortunately my amazing GP was seeing me regularly. 

At the end of February I got so ill I had to take time out of uni. I knew from past experience I was going to seriously hurt myself if I stayed. The University were amazing with this. I had to get extensions on several assignments including my dissertation and my mental health advisor from student support, personal tutor and project supervisor fought my corner to ensure that a GP letter was enough proof for the extensions- because I couldn't get one from a psychiatrist. My GP changed my antidepressant dosage. He wasn't comfortable doing it, but he wanted to help and knew that FTB weren't doing anything. The change sent me manic for a couple of weeks. I hurt myself accidentally during the mania and then intentionally during the depressive period that followed. I came back to uni eventually and had to defer my summer exams because I was now so behind. Having hurt myself was enough to get me another psychiatrist appointment. This time the core worker standing in for my original core worker did show up. They talked a lot between themselves and asked me something occasionally. They didn't have any of my information so we had to do my entire history again, but we ran out of time because of their conversation. I asked about the blood tests I had and the psychiatrist told me he had records of arranging the tests but hadn't received the results. He said he wouldn't arrange any more tests because I was nearly finished with university and probably wouldn't be around long enough for it to be worthwhile. He gave me a prescription (the first correct one I'd had from MH services since June the previous year) and also a prescription for sleeping pills (that I didn't want or need) "to make things easier". I don't know what he meant by that. 

Then nothing until April. I asked to speak to either of the core workers I'd seen and was told that they had both left the service weeks ago. (Since then receptionists had been telling me that one of them would call me back, despite them no longer working there). I asked if I had been assigned to anyone else. The receptionist sighed and asked if I really thought I needed to be. I said yes and she said that someone would call me back. I'm still waiting and calling. 

Within my university I know 4 other people who were moved from Birmingham adult services to Forward Thinking Birmingham. 2 have dropped out entirely since their treatment and safety nets disappeared. 1 has taken a year of medical leave. 1 killed himself. 

From online forums I've heard loads more stories like this from young people who've had their support/services/access to medications taken away. Some of them haven't posted anything in a long time now. I hope they're okay. I think they probably aren't. 

The overwhelming feeling we've all had is that the child services are totally unable to deal with us, unable to admit that, and just want us to go away. They want us to just disappear. So they ignore us and brush us off again and again because eventually that will work. We don't have it in us to keep fighting with them forever. 

The only reason I've fought this long is because of my GP and family's support. Most people simply do not have the support I've had. Often we just want to disappear too, so to hear that from the services that are supposed to help us is unbearable. 

It is active encouragement to kill yourself. I've been habitually suicidal since my late teens. Since my support evaporated because I was suddenly the wrong age I think about killing myself daily. I have no hope that things will get better- other than the vague idea that if I get to 25 the adult services will be better again. I suspect they probably won't be. And I'm not sure I'll manage to hold on that long. 

We are dying. Yes, we are killing ourselves, but we would not be doing this if basic services weren't being withheld. We are dying because we are being killed. 

#disability #mental illness #mental health #suicide #bipolar #mental health awareness week #end the stigma #politics #uk politics #nhs #save our nhs #ge2017 #theresa may #cripthevoteuk