#and i'm already fucking suffering financially

[lesenbyan]

The great news for me is all the ableists that have been in charge of my department are No Longer and the one I thought was returning went to a different department.

Unfortunately, there is still every chance I'll be shoved back on freight only in a few weeks when another coworker returns from a leave for surgery

#personal; #work blogging; #the problem is i'm the youngest in the bakery by decades #so it's easy to look at us all and just “yeah [they] seem the most able” #but like. i have (5) intermittent absences and use them all every month #whereas everyone else (other than the cake decorator who isn't supposed to freight) doesn't and manages to work their days #so either 1) they're more abled than me or 2) they're working themselves into the ground #and it could be either! it could be. i do not presume to know medical conditions unless told by them they have none #but it fucking sucks when i'm fighting for disability and am possibly gonna be shoved back into a task #that the SS office will see as “capable of gainful employment” #and it's just so fucking frustrating #bc no i'm not gonna tell a 70+yo that he Has To Do Freight #but i was also transferred to this dept to not do freight #and i can't go back to the deli bc the remodel changed shit and now being behind that counter triggers my claustrophobia #need be i'll talk to HR to see what can be done but i have no medical limitations on file bc if i did i wouldn't be allowed in this dpt #and this dept makes $1 more per hour than the rest of the store at baseline #and i'm already fucking suffering financially #and this all just fucking sucks #but for now i have a reprieve and i'mma take that and run with it for now

[umilily]

I've been trying to get this fucking degree for 7 years, suffering basically nonstop, taking part in all my classes, even taking extra ones, I think at this point I more than deserve them just giving me my bachelor's. I've done ENOUGH.

#lily talks #it has been a day #Have what might be my last exam ever on Friday and ahahahhah #I only got one attempt to pass it or I'll have to do an oral one and I would much rather die than do that #And I've put myself through almost 2 weeks of suffering from being unable to do basically anything other than lie in bed and stare at the #ceiling bc I am so stressed but enemy number 1 aka my brain refuses to let me sit down to properly study but at the same time i'm not #Allowed to do anything else because I'm not studying like I should be and I just am miserable #Anyway I've been a mess this entire time and NOW 2 fucking days before the exam the professor announces there will be another date in late #To take it instead #COULD YOU HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ANY EARLIER?????????? #I am so tempted to switch the date because I barely studied and I feel like shit but i already suffered so much for this and then I would #Just have to do it all again #But I really can't afford to mess it up either bc I don't think I would recover from that. Genuinely. #I am so unbelievably done with all of this. The degree. uni. Constant stupid pressure from everyone about when I will finally be done. #Not even daring to think about the financial aspect because I would just cry #I feel so dumb for having a meltdown before any test situation I ever found myself in because you would expect that AT SOEM POINT my brain #That at some point I would learn to deal with it and cope somehow #Unfortunately I'm starting to doubt that this is going to happen in this lifetime

[doukeshi-kun]

I like that one scene when stalker!kolya was being teased by his darling in the part2.

It is indeed fun to tease him

𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙚𝙧!𝙣𝙞𝙠𝙤𝙡𝙖𝙞 + 𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙞𝙢

replies ⨳ i love teasing stalker!nikolai too mueheh enjoyy

content ⨳ nikolai gogol x fem!reader, some n/sfw, teasing, obsessive (and pervy) thoughts, just the usual stalker!nikolai and reader's dynamics

“Yes, I know, Erika. But the financial reports for the last several months have shown that Funhouse 16 is barely visited and has suffered quite a loss. It performed very badly compared to others. It is better to demolish it and change to a new one than renovate it again.” Nikolai says, wanting to roll his eyes annoyed. Currently, he is on a video call with his staff, sitting at his working desk in his cramped campervan. The reason why he stays here instead of going to the main tent and directly facing his staff is because you are in his campervan now. He doesn't want to leave you alone.

It has been over an hour and Nikolai still has more to go through. He wants to spend time with you, knowing you are lying on his bed, bored and have nothing to do besides waiting for him to finish work. Ah, he feels a little guilty for making you wait. He will surely treat you to a nice dinner as an apology today.

Nikolai could not help but keep glancing at you. His eyes constantly move towards you, staring for a few seconds before he remembers he has to listen to Erika's babbling. Well, could you blame him for losing focus over you? Especially when you are on his bed, gosh, Nikolai wishes he could tie you in his bed and lock you in here forever but that would be too rough for his little bird.

“Sir, what do you think?” one of his staff calls. Nikolai turns to the camera, barely remembering what the hell is going on but the mindless notes he jotted on his own paper helps him to respond professionally.

“Well, to be fair, this...” his words falter a bit when he hears shifting noises from his left. He tries to focus again and continues to give his insight, but his curious eyes cannot help to look at you.

Nikolai feels like his breath is getting ripped away instantly.

You are on his bed, completely topless, your bra is on the pillow as you are wearing one of his shirts that you took from his bundle of clothes—he doesn't even have the time to fold them. But Nikolai certainly sees your tits and your soft tummy and your ribs and your back and your—

“Sir?”

“Ah— Uh, where the hell was I?” Nikolai asks and he hears Erika's voice. However, his attention is on you. There is a subtle playfulness on your face when you take off the shirt again, completely baring your naked upper body to Nikolai before you crawl to reach another t-shirt of his.

His face is blushing. His cock is hard. His stomach feels funny. His chest is heavy and surely he finds it harder to breathe. It is not the first time he sees you naked but he still loses his shit when he sees just a bit more of your skin. Lust erupts and his love blossoms again.

“Just a minute—” Nikolai mutes his microphone and turns off his camera and looks at you. You turn to him too with a grin. Ahh, that fucking grin when you teased him a few months back after his circus show, asking for his signature on your boobs.

“You're killing me, sweetheart.”

“What? I'm getting sleepy, so I just want to prepare for a nap. Nobody likes to sleep with a bra on and in an uncomfy blouse.” you reply, puffing the pillow. Nikolai's eyes trail to your bra and your blouse that are scattered on his bed. He wants to steal them. He wants to keep them in his possession. He wants to add them to his collection. He will buy a new one and he will steal it again after you wear it. Please, please, please.

“You're saying my shirts are comfortable for you?” Nikolai smirks and you shrug your shoulders. The shirt you wear is quite thin and as much as he wants to not be a pervert, his mind already wanders.

“Comfy enough. And I look cute in it,” you chuckle, running your hands on your breasts just to get him worked up. And oh, he did. Nikolai takes off his headphones and gets up, eyes hungry, licking his lips.

“No.”

And he stops when you place your foot on his chest, slowly pushing him back to sit on his chair. You trail your foot down his torso and lightly brush his boner before you pull away quickly as Nikolai tries to catch your ankle.

“You have work. Go to work."

“No way. Can't you fucking see how hard I am?” he whines. “I'm gonna end the meeting now.”

“No, Kolya. You already complained to me that you have a lot of work and you want to finish it today. So, do your work.”

Nikolai looks at you and bites his lips in frustration. Well, he cannot really argue with you. He knows he will obey you one way or another and you know how devoted he is to please you. He, frustratingly, turns himself to his laptop again. However, before he could prepare for the meeting again with a raging boner under his pants, he sees you getting off the bed and scoots to him.

And there, you sit on the floor, right next to his legs. You lean your head between his thighs, yawning. And Nikolai's hand instinctively places itself onto your head, caressing your hair gently.

“Uh-uh, no touching. But well... I take it back,” you yawn again. “This feels nice. Makes me feel sleepier.” your murmur, leaning your head directly on his clothed cock. And Nikolai has to hold himself back, cussing under his breath.

He will tug your hair and force his cock in your throat later, but for now, he will play nice.

©doukeshi-kun 2024 — do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, more @/cherikolya

if you like my works, consider buy me a ko-fi!

#道化師-jest❃ུ۪ #nikolai gogol x reader #nikolai x reader #bsd x reader #bsd imagines #bsd smut #nikolai imagines #nikolai smut #bsd nikolai x reader #bsd nikolai gogol #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader

[phoenixyfriend]

That one post about great domestic policy and HORRIFIC foreign policy just does not stop being true

Domestic Policy Win: The American Museum of Natural History in NYC is closing down two entire exhibits of Native American belongings in order to comply with a federal order that requires museums to obtain the consent of indigenous nations in order to display artifacts of native origin. The linked ProPublica article specifies that the exhibits in question are the Eastern Woodlands and Great Plains Halls. To quote:

The new federal regulations, which went into effect this month, prohibit the display of items subject to NAGPRA without tribal consent and ban all research done without tribal consent. In addition, the regulations closed a loophole that had allowed museums such as the American Museum of Natural History to keep ancestral remains and burial items by claiming that they are “culturally unidentifiable” — meaning in their view they could not be connected to present-day Indigenous communities based on available evidence — and therefore could not readily be returned to tribes.

Foreign Policy Fail: The United States, the UK, and several other nations, in response to claims that several members of UNRWA were involved in the Oct. 7th attacks, have cut funding to the relief agency in question. The Al Jazeera article profiles the Palestinian response, and also specifies that this funding was pulled after the UNRWA launched an investigation in response to Israel's allegations that 12 members of the relief agency were involved.

Australia, Canada, Italy and the United States said they would halt funding to the agency, while European Union foreign policy chief Josep Borrell said the 27-member bloc would “assess further steps and draw lessons based on the result of the full and comprehensive investigation”. Germany, Finland, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom then also joined the list of countries pausing financial aid to the UN agency, whose facilities where displaced Palestinians sought shelter have been repeatedly attacked in Israeli air raids. Ireland and Norway, however, expressed continued support for UNRWA, saying the agency does crucial work to help Palestinians displaced and in desperate need of assistance in Gaza. - Al Jazeera

"One million displaced people are currently taking refuge in and around UNRWA buildings. They are the ones who will suffer as a result of this decision," said Mr Gunness, adding: "The curtailing of UNRWA services will also destabilise the region at a time when Western governments are trying to contain a regional conflagration." [...] The US, Germany and the EU are among some of UNRWA's biggest donors. - BBC

Unfortunately, the WSJ article is paywalled, so I can't access the full thing for a quote.

Anyway. Call your reps. I'm not even talking to just the Americans this time, call your fucking reps. If they aren't donating to UNRWA, then make them do something. Is the organization possibly a security risk, and the concerns legitimate? Maybe! But you cannot cut the funding that is keeping 2.3mill people alive on an already shoestring budget and not immediately put a backup security net in place.

Until then, pick a charity with a good rating, donate and signal boost it, and politely harass your politicians.

Politely as in "don't shout at or cuss out the staffers that man the phone lines," because they are not your reps, but also because your number is going to get blocked and then you won't be able to pressure them in the future. Do be firm, though.

I'm personally picking the PCRF this time, since one of the three remaining hospitals in south Gaza has been evacuated and shut down, and the evacuees reportedly include women who just got C-sections, which means the evacuees also include newborns, and medical care is in high demand. They're also currently focused on providing clean drinking water to the people of Palestine. That said, so is food, and shelter, and winter clothing. Pick a need, find a charity, and toss them some money.

#yes this was mostly my way of guiding people to charity sites again. and pushing you to push your reps #current events #united states #indigenous peoples #palestine #israel #gaza #death tw

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not having a job despite having time for it?

🍏🥝🍏🥝 <- to keep track of this when it posts,

My family really loves talking about me(20) when they think I'm not listening. I've heard them on multiple occasions say that I need a job and that I should just start working part-time while I'm going to college. The issue with that is that while other people can do both pretty decently, I dont feel like I'm capable of doing both part time and college without one of them suffering a lot because of the other.

My family is pretty financially stable, and the fees I owe never go over 900 dollars and sometimes I even make my own money off of commissions to help pay for things. I actually did have an actual job during my classes for a while filing things and remote video editing work (for the same job) but one of my family members worked with me there as my boss and I decided to quit after they decided to ask if my mom would've rather died than had me after I told him she called trans people abominations (I am trans, I'm only out to that family member and my brother). I haven't found a consistent thing to do to earn money since but I've been trying really hard to advertise my commissions since then.

The part where I feel really guilty though is the fact that I've been going to a community college for almost 3 years now (with my family supporting me money wise) and know I'm only going to come out with a one year certificate because of how fucked my schedule got in my first year. I didn't meet some prerequisites , and despite the course I wanted being a 2 year degree it was worth almost 80 credits, which felt insane as I went into it. 5 classes a term, some 5 minutes after the other, all based on pouring hours and hours into artsy projects (video, audio, 3d modelling, painting, 2d animation, ect...). I broke down within my third term after I started failing some of my classes. I was still trying for my 2 year degree up until 2023 where I decided that getting a certificate that was similar and getting a job after would probably be better for me at this point rather than spending ANOTHER 2 years struggling OR straight up giving up and dropping out with nothing.

I'm also home a lot when I'm not in class (I'm only taking 2-3 classes a term now). I do little things sometimes like take out the trash and pull dishes from out the washer and so on but it's all only when no one is home because the place where things generally need to be cleaned up is all in our very small kitchen AND the fact that I'm scared of them poking fun at me for "finally doing something for once" because it makes me feel terrible when they do. I end up chilling out in my room completing work and desperately finding work arounds for projects to only ever really need done in my room or on campus- generally anywhere that's not going to worry my grandma too much.

I've told my family that their teasing doesn't make me feel good but it just gets responded with "that's just how we show love!" when I know it doesn't have to be that way! My boyfriend teases me pretty often but the difference is that he actually listens to me when I tell him something he said didn't feel very good to me and we talk it through, and then he doesn't make that joke again or i feel better after knowing the context of it!!! A lot of my family members will bicker until another one ends up crying and it's horrible to watch how petty and bitter everyone can be.

Don't really know what else to write, AITA guys? I know I could be doing a lot more around the house instead of working but I'm scared of being touched (my aunt randomly spanked me as hard as she could one time last year) and scared of more mean comments being thrown my way. I already have a plan to leave this home and have been open about it to them, but I don't want to rush it if I don't have to and want to spend a few years saving money up so that I'm not in a horrible situation if things go awry.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[matan4il]

Daily update post:

The IDF estimates, maybe based on a baby bottle that was found where hostages are known to have been held, in the basement of the Rantisi hospital in Gaza, that a woman who was kidnapped while pregnant, has given birth in captivity. That makes her child the youngest hostage, at the age of a few days at most.

While our kids and babies are being held hostage in dark basements and tunnels, Israel is offering Gazans medical assistance for their kids. At this link you can listen to a subtitled conversation (the article is in Hebrew, just scroll to the first embedded vid), where an IDF officer is offering the Shifa hospital manager to place at the entrance to the building 37 incubators and 4 respirators for the kids and babies. The officer also vows to the manager to help protect as much as possible the patients, wards and staff in the hospital. During the conversation, the offer is accepted, but the IDF says later it was rejected. As I can't see who would outrank the hospital manager, I'm guessing the "No" came from Hamas.

Rockets continue to be fired into Israel. Today, a rocket barrage at Tel Aviv, at a kids playground, left one person seriously wounded, and two moderately.

Thank you so much to the Israeli Nonnie who sent me this vid. Yes, that is exactly what I was talking about when I mentioned in my update yesterday, this is Hamas attacking Palestinians in order to take over this aid truck and get all of the food for themselves (the relevant footage starts 11 seconds in):

Jeremy Corbyn, the man who could have been the British Prime Minister, and who British Jews called out on antisemitism, was interviewed by Piers Morgan. He was asked 15 (arguably 16) times to answer the question whether Hamas is a terrorist group, but refused to give a reply.

I was listening to this interview with Ella Keinan (it's in Hebrew), an Israeli travel vlogger, who has started posting about the Israeli POV since Oct 8. She didn't say anything I didn't know, but I thought the way she phrased things was powerful, so allow me to translate:

They created a brand called Free Palestine, which is not actually freeing the Palestinians and giving them what they want, but under this brand it's possible to do anything nowadays, it's possible to rape, it's possible to slaughter, it's possible to kidnap, it's possible to abuse, to kill, it's possible to hurt and kill Jews in LA, it's possible to attack them at universities, and you'll still be applauded. Meaning, you'll still be popular. That's how powerful this brand is.

Meanwhile, Israel's foreign diplomacy has officially been shut down due to a lack of budget. A lot of government offices are being shut down, and their budget is being re-directed to help the evacuated, the families of the murdered, the injured, financially supporting people whose businesses have collapsed, compensating those whose homes were destroyed by Palestinian rockets. So when you hear people dismissing regular Israelis' posts as paid propaganda by the Israeli government... what a fucking joke, Israel can't even currently pay professionals in this field, let alone regular people.

This is 19 years old Noa Marziano.

Yesterday, Hamas published a vid of her as a hostage. The Israeli media refused to cooperate with the psychological warfare, no one published it. Today, the IDF was able to confirm that Noa was murdered in captivity.

This is 12 years old Liel Hetzroni.

Her mother Shira, after gaving birth to her and her twin brother, suffered brain damage, and couldn't take care of her kids, so they were raised by their grandparents. Liel's grandfather and brother's bodies were already found. Today, after having been missing for 38 days, Liel's death was also pronounced.

This is 75 years old Vivien Silver.

She was a peace activists. Among other things, she used to volunteer her time driving Gazans to medical treatments in Israel. She was thought to be kidnapped in Gaza, but today her body was identified.

May their memories be a blessing.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

#israel #israeli #israel news #israel under attack #israel under fire #israelunderattack #terrorism #anti terrorism #antisemitism #hamas #antisemitic #antisemites #jews #jew #judaism #jumblr #frumblr #jewish

[myrthing]

I am James Somerton.

or, This Is Not A Defence of James Somerton Because He Fucking Sucks

The thing I've been thinking about since I watched Folding Idea's unlisted video about Somerton's second apology yesterday is how much I recognised myself in Dan's analysis of James, and how conflicted I've felt since then.

I should start by saying that as a Swedish lesbian woman with autism, ADHD and MDD, who has neither college degrees nor work experience, but who does have scruples, burnout, a sense of responsibility, some talents (if no way to consistently use them), a desire to create, basic financial sense, and a living parent who can read; I'm actually not like James Somerton at all.

But those are really rather superficial differences, aren't they? What got me thinking is the line with which Folding Idea ends his video:

"Ambition without actions and avenues to achieve them are called fantasies."

That is both an accurate analysis of James Somerton's personal failings, and a summary of me. The ambition to be something without the ability to put in the work needed to succeed. A deep-rooted optimism about how things will always work out in the end, somehow.

In James's case, this is currently demonstrated by his unwavering conviction that he will be able to return to YouTube. He hasn't considered the alternative. I don't think he can—the idea that he has permanently destroyed his chances of being a youtuber is too big, too real, so instead of engaging with that reality, he pretends to himself that he can't see it. Out of sight, out of mind. Literally, apparently, if we take James's account of his TBI at face value.

I want many, many things. I have many, many ideas. I would like to be a successful [anything]. I have imagined myself in many careers, from freelance editor to self-published author to youtuber. Anything that would, like James, enable me to work from home. It's partially desperation: after all, how else would I get a job as a disabled woman in her mid-30s who has never been employed and who can't go back to school?

I'm also loath to the idea of doing work. Self-employment is hard and it requires dedication. I would like to have already achieved my success, thank you very much. None of us can say what the reasons are behind James's unwillingness to work (although laziness is certainly not unlikely). For me, though? It's probably a combination of certain autism symptoms that I've dealt with since I was a child, and the burnout I suffered from in high school. Those aren't excuses, they're embarrassing weights I carry around to remind me of why I'm a failure.

This is what has been on my mind because of Somerton. I found myself not empathising with him, but recognising certain attitudes as a mid-30s adult with a disability (between the TBI and epilepsy as Somerton describes them, he certainly qualifies as disabled) who has been largely shielded from consequences. Although James certainly also seems willfully ignorant of his actual faults in a way I don't think I am. If nothing else I do know how to genuinely apologise. And I can cite sources! I know how to do that even without completing though school or managing even one term in university!

My mother—who can read, thank you very much—would eviscerate me if didn't. Besides, I entered fandom shortly after Cassie Clare's plagiarism scandal. It was instructional.

This is a goddamn ramble, so I'm going to end this by putting all cards on the table, and admit I actually have one (more) thing in common with James Somerton:

My dad, you see, can't read.

Because he's dead. I'M SORRY I'M NOT SORRY I CAN'T NOT MAKE THESE JOKES HE DIED WHEN I WAS TWO

#james somerton #autism #myling: just that impossible to shut the fuck up

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

Any system that requires disabled people to rely on their family members or any loved ones for support is fundamentally flawed and dangerous.

As our (the U.S.'s) system stands right now, it can take many months, often years, to get SSI. Between the time you become unable to work and the time you get SSI you have to rely on your family for financial support. Even if you have a supportive family, which many of us don't, many families don't have enough money saved up to care for an adult family member for that long. A family member becoming disabled can mean serious financial issues. Family members may also not be emotionally able to deal with caring for another adult, which can lead to abuse and neglect. This is especially an issue because disabled people are more vulnerable to and affected by abuse. Gaslighting can be very difficult to deal with if you're somebody who suffers from a disconnect from reality (i.e. dissociation or psychosis). Physical abuse can be much more damaging if you're already weakened by an illness. Neglect can be much more life-threatening if your medical needs are being neglected (i.e. not taking proper sanitizing steps when caring for an immunocompromised person). Homophobia and transphobia can be especially devastating if you have no way to escape for the rest of your life. Sometimes disabled people choose to be supported by their family full-time and their family chooses to care for them. Those situations also need financial support and shouldn't be ignored or the people in those situations disparaged (looking at you, people who make fun of "basement dwellers"). However, for a lot of people that setup is not ideal or even possible and those people need to be thought about and respected.

We cannot rely on the family to support disabled people. We cannot rely on the community to care for disabled people. There needs to be a legal system in place that supports disabled people and renders consequences for people who neglect us. Our care cannot be dependent on how nice our family and community are or how pleasant we are to be around. We cannot rely on people to care. Compassion runs out, empathy runs out, and when it does disabled people cannot be left to die. Disability services need to be swift, complete, and not reliant on the people's good nature towards disabled people. I'm so fucking tired of the revolutionary leftist answer to disabled care being "the community will care for you". They will not and we will die. Come up with a better solution.

#cripplepunk #madpunk #ableism tw #abuse tw #death tw

[yooniesim]

this as a prime example of what is wrong with simblr (and tumblr in general). this ask was sent to me within like less than a day of that post about cf going up, while I was away for the weekend and not at pc for days. I did not even see the post until right before I got this ask. yall are so damn terminally online that you lost the gd plot and cannot comprehend someone not keeping their finger on the dying pulse of the performative activism headquarters of the internet. and you definitely can't comprehend waiting for complete info or maybe just a full day before starting some reactionary bs. just peeking in here since yesterday i see that simblr is yet again so hyped up on smelling its own farts that it's turned an issue of genocide into yet another dick measuring contest of who can reblog more posts than one another the fastest so they can look more empathetic and better than anyone else. and call themselves "real activists" for being able to click the reblog button. not to mention the usual spamming anons to random people minding their own business. yall are weird as fuck and need to get a firm grip on some grass. stop making the horrific suffering of others about yourselves for once.

that being said, let me get serious for the people on here that are actually normal. for those that don't know by now, this anon seems to be referencing this post about cf, which talks about overwolf (the company that owns curseforge) donating to the IDF. But I also found this tweet by OOP made after that post that explains they have since received DMs from Overwolf stating that they have shifted their relief efforts to aiding victims that have lost their homes from the Hamas terrorist attacks exclusively and do not fund the IDF. this is a much better cause as the victims of terrorism definitely deserve to be helped, and it makes sense they would do this as an Israeli company. The DMs also clarify that it is donation based and nothing uploaded to cf (cc/mods) contributes to this effort whatsoever. As well as Overwolf/Curseforge revenue in general. So simply using curseforge does not mean that you fund or endorse genocide. OOP calls their new efforts commendable in that tweet but I am still looking into and keeping an eye on this matter since, as we know, more information could come out later that contradicts this. And since I have been away im still catching up on everything that has been posted relating to cf.

here are the pics for those that may not have Twitter. do I still support a boycott for those that want to? oh, absolutely. I know that many will still want to boycott regardless, and I'll be working to add alt links to my cc uploads as soon as possible (the ones that don't already have them) for those that don't want to use it. However, everyone I've seen wanting to boycott seems to want to do it because a) they believe overwolf is funding the IDF (apparently is not true) b) they believe having their uploads on cf or downloading from there will fund the IDF (apparently is not true) or c) overwolf itself is an Israeli company (is definitely true). therefore based on the new info we now have some may decide not to boycott after all or will still do so, it is a personal decision. will I be deleting my account there? for now, no.

to be completely honest, I'm in a really bad place financially right now, and while it isn't much, the little bit I get from cf downloads has been exclusively going towards my meds and dr appointment bills. I don't have the option right now to turn down the small amount of added income when I am currently living day to day, especially with the updated knowledge that simply having cc uploaded there does not contribute to their donation efforts in any way. I do not paywall my cc and never will and I do not ask for donations myself, so my options are somewhat limited. although I do not make cc with the aim of getting paid, I ultimately wouldn't be able to justify the sheer amount of time I spend on it if it wasn't helping me with my medical bills currently, as I am already caregiving with the majority of my time. I'm not reliant on cc making or cf to live, and I never want that to be the case god forbid, but in full transparency it is helping me with my healthcare expenses atm and I cannot afford to neglect my health anymore than I have. especially since, as established earlier, using cf does not contribute to the IDF in the first place. so I personally do not judge anyone that continues to use cf for this reason.

also, for the record so there is no confusion on my personal views, I fully support the freedom of Palestine and condemn genocide first and foremost, as well as terrorism and antisemitism. The current situation in Gaza is abhorrent and I encourage all my followers to not only reblog posts, but educate yourselves on the situation and bring it irl as you are able. Speak with the people you love as well as those you are acquainted with and bring this to this to their attention (if you feel safe to). Attend protests if you can. If you cannot, make the calls and emails to your representatives, sign petitions, and donate as you are able. I have been seeing that even spreading Palestinian culture among your loved ones and peers is helpful. So even if you are in a bad place mentally, that may be an option to spread the positive message of the Palestinian people in your everyday life. I'll be reblogging the posts I already did earlier and some new ones too so you can find those updated links. I will be tagging it with palestine so that it can be found easily on my page.

In addition, be kind. To others and yourself. Try to see the full damn picture instead of a snapshot. What someone posts on tumblr of all places does not reflect an entire person's being, or their efforts, or their heart. Yelling your head off on this dying website does not equal activism, and running your mental health into the ground taking on the weight of the world doesn't give you any more control over the issues we face- I learned that the hard fucking way, believe me. By all means share as much as you like, every bit helps (especially if you have a lot of followers), but keep in mind that it certainly doesn't make you better than anyone else. I know it's extremely difficult to feel helpless and you want to feel like you're doing something, but just make sure you're doing the right things for the right reasons. Please do not fucking attack random people for not responding within one business day of the latest info coming out. And take time away from all this shit to breathe. You can't help anyone if you're fucked up yourself. especially for those of us that already face discrimination and bigotry every day irl, I know it is exhausting. Remember to also care for yourselves through all this.

#ceci speaks #nonsims #asks #anonymous

[ystrike1]

Marry My Husband - By LICO (9/10)

It's that time again. It's time for an honorable mention. A plot twist yandere. Does the twist make sense? Yes! Dive right in and enjoy the cheating and pain our perfect protagonist suffers through. The finale and the buildup both feel extremely cathartic. The writing is also very good even though the overall plot is stereotypical.

This one made my heart pound. I thought I knew what was happening. I could kind of guess most of the plot twists, but the last few took me by surprise. In the beginning we see the story from Ji-won's perspective. She's a very sad, pathetic woman.

I like her. I'm just telling you the truth. She devoted her life to her best friend and her lazy husband. Her two most important people slept together behind her back, while she did all the work. Her shit husband used her until she literally died of cancer. Then he used her life insurance money to marry that very same adulterous best friend. The first few chapters of this are honestly brutal. Ji-won dies thinking she is completely alone. After her death her husband gets discovered of course, but it's far too late. The evil cheating couple destroyed her completely. Like, completely. They turned her friends against her. They made her doubt her worth. The husband made her work until she dropped. To the point where she had to stop taking care of her appearance, because she had no time for herself. Her "best friend" called her ugly behind her back while she fucked her husband. Ji-won didn't fight back. She dumbly loved people who didn't love her. She let her confidence issues control her. She manages to confront them both before she dies....but she dies (after a brutal beating) knowing that her husband was a cheater who never loved her.

Bummer.

Quick warning though. This is a massively fucked up story. There's elder abuse. Fake pregnancies. Lots of mental abuse. Adult bullying (yes that's a thing). Every kind of financial abuse including insurance fraud. Attempted murder. Slut shaming. Every nightmare you never want to experience is in this, and that's why the villains are so good. I didn't notice the yandere because they are both such genuine threats. I was too worried about Ji-won to care about romance. Min-hwan and Soo-min are two different types of abusers. Min-hwan was physically and financially abusive. Soo-min is the real monster though. She's coercive. She's a narcissistic sociopath who gets off on destroying other people's happiness. Soo-min knows she's stupid. She knows her only weapon is her cute looks. So she acts cute and quietly ruins Ji-won's reputation, even though they are best friends.

Why?

Because fuck you, that's why.

Soo-min had a bad childhood.

That means she's allowed to do whatever she wants.

That's the kind of monster we're dealing with.

Here's the good news. Ji-won isn't a perfect person. She's smart. Obviously she's pretty when she tries. She's good at her job and blah, blah blah...but. she's always hated being a pushover. After her tragic death her father's spirit(?) blesses her with a second life. She immediately chooses evil. It's amazing. She's going to get the best possible revenge. She knows Min-hwan is an abuser, so Soo-min can have him. She's already dating Min-hwan, but he's already thinking of cheating on her. How convenient. Soo-min is close by too, and Soo-min wants everything Ji-won has. Ji-won genuinely wants both of them to suffer. It's awesome, and Min-hwan is truly a fitting punishment. He likes cute sluts, but he expects his wife to be conservative because that's what his wealthy parents want. So, if Soo-min marries him she'll have to deal with extremely sexist in-laws, Min-hwan's horrible spending habits, and a mother in law who is creepily obsessed with grandchildren.

10/10 perfect revenge.

This is Ji-won's lovely assistant, Ji-hyuk. Clap for him. The author did a great job. In the beginning Ji-hyuk looks like a capable and handsome manager. He hates Min-hwan and Soo-min because they suck at their jobs. He's willing to help Ji-won screw them over because they are thorns in his side. I bought his bullshit. I thought Ji-hyuk would fall for Ji-won. I didn't know he was completely in love from the beginning, but when the truth came out it made perfect sense. I was still floored though. Prepare yourself. After Ji-won died in her first life...he killed himself. Yup. He couldn't live with the fact that he could have saved her from the abuse. He was actually kinda sorta stalking her. Checking in on her even though she no longer remembered him and such. He couldn't forgive himself, so he walked into the sea and Ji-won's father (?) the spirit sends him back in time with Ji-won.

Ji-hyuk does fucked up shit to help Ji-won with ZERO hesitation. He knows EVERYTHING. He's straight up willing to let her kill people, but he doesn't reveal everything. Remember, Ji-won doesn't know this guy. He was obsessed with her, but he gave up because she loved Min-hwan. This second life is his chance to help her and be loved by her. He's like...use me please Ji-won. He moves into her apartment building because he's so afraid for her. He helps her slowly run away from Min-hwan. He knows Min-hwan is a monster so he wants to protect her no matter what. He's so willing that she's suspicious at first, but she believes his excuses. Yes, Soo-min is a shitty employee and a liability. The manager wanting to build a case to fire her makes perfect sense. However, Ji-won quickly figures out that he has a crush on her. She doesn't act on her feelings for 35 chapters, because her revenge is important to her. She doesn't give it up to pursue love and happiness. Ji-hyuk goes balls deep into the chaos with her. He waits for her to finish her business before they get together.

We slowly watch the chaos grow. Soo-min is an idiot, but she's also willing to do anything...to get a rich husband. Min-hwan is technically that. (His parents are rich not him but whatever she doesn't care). Soo-min gets caught doing stupid shit. She accidentally poisons someone with an allergy. She flirts with an extremely sexist manager to get her way. She starts sleeping with Min-hwan right after he proposes to Ji-won. Then she pretends to be pregnant. Ji-won lets her have Min-hwan, but... remember the fucked up shit I mentioned? Min-hwan is infertile. His family blames that infertility on his wife, which is Soo-min this time. She experiences a hell that she herself created, but she still blames Ji-won. She knows Ji-won is out to get her. So things spiral out of control.

Soo-min actually murders her mother in law it's nuts. Then Min-hwan tries to kill her for insurance money.

Truly they are a match made in heaven.

Anyway about the side characters. They're very good. There are some side stories stitched in here that make the world feel more alive. This is Eun-ho. He's a guy that loved Ji-won back in high school. Ji-won loved him. Soo-min ruined it by spreading rumors. Eun-ho is really nice. He becomes a great friend and ally. The girls who used to bully Ji-won apologize to her and... hahaha...they all go to Soo-min's wedding to embarrass her. They drink alot of alcohol and act rude even though it's clearly a traditional wedding.

It's great.

You must be curious. Is the romance part of this actually good? Yes, it is. I didn't figure out that Ji-hyuk was a yandere for quite a while. It's enjoyable by itself. Ji-hyuk is a super duper devoted I die if you die yandere. He's also rich and super smart. He's just a little socially awkward and stern. His cute moments are extremely sweet.

They both like cats.

Hooray.

Mans Kinda a class A freak tho. Again Ji-won didn't know he existed and he kms'd right after her funeral WTF.

Also Ji-won was 37 when she died so Ji-hyuk was literally just pining to death for a decade. What a freak.

And...he didn't fall in love with her at work. He fell in love with her when he was in university. She also didn't know who he was at the time....freak...

#yandere #male yandere #yandere male #yandere boy #recommendations #recs #rec #recommended #webtoon #marry my husband

[melonteee]

I think what hurts the most about how Nami was handled in OPLA is how thoroughly her character themes and trajectory were screwed up. Nami is one of the first representatives we see fake smiles hiding genuine suffering as an overarching motif, to the point that it’s engrained deeply to her backstory and the final note Arlong Park ends on, and it just… isn’t there. At all. To the point that the one time Nami smiling/laughing *is* brought up in the show, it feels backhanded. Like the narrative equivalent of telling her she should really smile more. Then, because Netflix/Tomorrow Studios are cowards, the show did everything in its power to downplay Nami’s financial insecurities and decided Nami stealing should be framed in a worse light than Zoro killing people for money. Which meant Nami’s arc became her needing to overcome a “fuck you, got mine” attitude, which led to Arlong Park being thematically (and somewhat narratively) incoherent once they got to her deal with Arlong. But the worst of this was the choice to give Nami all of Sanji’s parts in Baratie. Because, really, what does Nami thinking Luffy should stop Zoro’s fight have to do with her problems with Arlong? The whole reason she didn’t see Zoro’s fight in the original was because that wasn’t a lesson she needed to learn. She was already risking her life for her goals, and she still believed she could achieve her dreams once she paid off Arlong. It was the hope that Arlong *could* be bought, and that she had no other options when compared to Arlong’s strength, that was holding her back in the original. Nami trying to convince Luffy also felt so nonsensical because it’s the one place that doesn’t have heaps of over explaining (while also removing Luffy *and* Zoro’s explanations from the original scenes) so it’s like… what do you expect him to do, Nami? What could Luffy possibly say or do to stop Zoro that doesn’t either lead to Zoro responding “okay then I quit” or require some massive violation of Zoro’s autonomy? And, again, what does Luffy not doing so have to do with Nami’s conflict with Arlong??? Is the implication supposed to be that Nami thinks Arlong is *right* to use force to make people do what he wants???? But then you get to the episode 6 and Zoro’s second unnecessary pledge to Luffy (that’s already ruined Thriller Bark) and it was like… Oh. I see. Nami was given all of Sanji’s parts so she could be an easy straw man for Luffy to knock down. She *can’t* explain why she thinks Luffy is wrong (nor can anyone else) outside of vague repeated phrases, because if she did Luffy would have to actually defend his stance the way he did in the original. Instead of having Zoro tell him that he was right all along and doesn’t need to self-reflect about anything. Because Luffy’s true arc in the live action is that he Wants loyalty, and Needs other people’s validation. Hence why Luffy spends very little time actually interacting with his supposed crew most episodes, why storylines that were originally about Luffy proving himself worthy are now reframed to be about the others proving their loyalty to Luffy, and why the show’s ending reframes his first bounty as him *finally* achieving the recognition he felt entitled to at the beginning. And Nami’s sadly the one most effected because the East Blue is her saga. Cool.

(I realize you must get a lot of these, so thank you. It’s been very cathartic to hear your thoughts)

Anon you are doing exactly what I'm doing, which is thinking further ahead in One Piece's story and going "Wait, but if THAT happens, these scenes in future arcs are going to be totally ruined and make no sense?"

Hence why I'm saying, ALL these changes, ALL these characters being uprooted from their original writing, is going to cause MORE changes down the line if this keeps going. To the point the series is going to be completely incomprehensible and won't be One Piece at all. They already failed multiple scenes by just ADDING them in while changing EVERYTHING around them so they made zero sense and had no impact, but it's virtually impossible to fix this show without totally redoing everything. They ruined the introductions, they ruined the original motivations and original personalities, these characters are simply not the same at all.

And with these story changes, as you pointed out, it has ruined future character development AND future scenes.

Also the "Nami stealing is more immoral than Zoro killing for money" is so fucking funny, makes just as much sense as a WHOLE town genuinely hating a LITTLE GIRL 😭😭

#ask #melonask #oplatalks

[redjennies]

i'm going to start taking screenshots of "Things Liberals (yes, liberals. if you don't want to be called a duck, don't quack like one.) Say On Those Vote Blue No Matter What Posts" so y'all understand that I'm not just angry at the posts themselves. this not me telling you "rah rah, i'm your preconceived notion of an anarchist. no, don't vote blue! i hate democracy and sunshine and rainbows and love bombs and chaos!" I mean all of that is true, obviously, (/joke) but that's not why I'm saying it. I'm saying it because I'm exhausted because every single one of them inevitably features some borderline American propaganda nonsense like this in the replies that y'all are reblogging entirely uncritically:

truly! how fucking naive do you have to be to sincerely believe that Joe Biden is actually a secret ally in this? "advocating for justice and peace behind the scenes." I'm sorry but what? perhaps he will bring peace, though i suspect in the same way Henry Kissinger was called a "peacemaker," but justice? when has the United States ever been an instrument of justice? this is at best, a child's delusion that there are, in fact, good men in the government or at worst, the most cynical propaganda, and I must laugh to keep from screaming. tell of the United State's desire for justice to the people of near any other country, and they will laugh and scream at you, too. I will say this: in the matter of genocide, there is no difference between a man who calls for it in public and a man who decries it in public but still sends financial and military aid to those who commit genocide. there is no "just a dash of" genocide, and there are no bonus points for loyalty when the dead are still dead.

vote for Biden. I probably will tick the box, too, even though it really makes no difference in the state of Tennessee, but do not lie to yourselves. what you are saying is that you do not want to suffer under Trump and the Republican's policies and that Trump will make things even worse both in the US and through foreign policy, and that is not an inaccurate statement. you are saying that it will be easier to protest Biden than protest Trump, and that's not an inaccurate statement either. I'm not going to tell you it's all okay because you don't have a choice, that you're still a good person and the dead understand, absolving you of everything, but I am saying not to lie to yourself and others just so you can placate your need to feel good about yourself. I'm saying that when you vote for Biden, you should feel it. you should grapple with this double consciousness you exist under and feel repulsed by it. you should hate Joe Biden and the empire of this the United States, that has already committed and aided in many genocides and needless wars before this. you should do it, but not for a second should it feel like you're doing the right thing, proud of your contribution to American "democracy," as you stick your head in the sand.

#dont boo me im right

[multimystica]

Card of the Day!

So, I'm not great with editing/design or with running social media but this is honest work so let's go! Take a deep breath and pick a card. If you want a personal reading message me here, leave an ask, or message me on my ig @multimistica (beware of spelling, it's spelled like that because my ig page is in portuguese) This reading is much more intense than I intended it to be, it may help to mentalize what you need advice on today to narrow down the meaning of your chosen card from the descriptions I've made below so your reading can be more precise.

Card 1 - X of Swords

Defeat. Peak of despair. This is pretty much rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. You might suffer some sort of tragic event today in which you feel defeated, like a martyr, broken beyond repair, or something of the like. It's like when something goes wrong in the worst way it possibly could. The message of this card is it can no longer get any worse than that, pick yourself up and move on. Dwelling in that is no use, move on (as hard as it may be). The depiction of this card is quite graphic, for those unfamiliar with it, here it is:

So help yourself, remove the swords, tend to your wounds and move on. Biggest advice with this card is to move on cause it's literally the worst it can get. The worst that could happen did happen, so after this it can't get any worst at all, and that's what brings relief about it. If this is rock bottom, and you're there and still alive, things can no longer get any worse, and it is in that you must find your peace and fucking FINALLY start healing and moving up, after this defeat things can FINALLY start to get better, even if a small bit at time. You've survived the worst, now you live on to see the best start coming.

Card 2 - II of Pentacles

Multitasking. There may be a lot on your plate right now, as you're dealing with lots of things. It's the kind of day where you're in a rush with a long list of tasks to finish, you have to get things done and you wish the day extra hours to accomodate all of that workload. This is also true in a figurative way, you might be having to deal with lots of emotions all over the place. The depiction of this card is literally a juggler:

It's certainly hard to deal with such workload, so if one or two tasks go unfinished today, that's okay, just keep doing your best at it. If this card speaks to you in the emotional sense, dealing with ups and downs or with indecisiveness, the advice is to try and work through said emotions in a healthy way as they come and go. Be it work-wise or emotionally wise, the biggest advice of this card is to set your priorities and work through them in order from the most important to the least. This card may also refer to financial decisions, in this sense it is imperative you pay attention to how you're spending your money, make sure you don't spend more than you earn, if you're already doing so, then it can mean one of two things (or even both): Be careful on your financial decisions (if you're investing in something rn it means a high risk), that is the first thing. The second thing is you're going to have to work hard. Remember, hard work is highly rewarded.

Card 3 - VII of Swords

Doing what serves your own ends, often in unethical ways. This card can mean a fuckaton of different things depending on your life's context right now and in a collective reading like this it might be hard to tell in which sense it applies to you, but I'll do my best. First of all, are you being unethical, sneaky, or dodgy in any way? If so, the message is simple, stop being a bitch and go look for a ethical way to get what you're going for, seriously. Be conscientious, do no harm, if you're dead set on something by unethical means there is certainly a better, more ethical way to get it and you must find it. If you're about to do harm to someone seeking justice, don't, let divine justice take place instead. Take a good look at this card:

With that out of the way, if you're not doing any sketchy shit right now, then BEWARE.

If you're in a relationship - Beware of cheating, betrayal, mind games, a stab on the back, broken trust, going behind your back, that kind of stuff coming from your partner.

If you're in a bad friend group - Beware of being backstabbed, of negative gossip, people betraying your trust, taking things from you, going behind your back or fucking you over somehow.

In the work/academic context - Beware of people stealing your work, stealing your ideas, erasing your name from a paper and putting theirs in, plagiarizing you, backstabbing you via the HR, planning a coup, or anything.

IN ANY CASE - Beware of two-faced people. Keep your guard up, protect your secrets, don't let anyone fuck you over in any way, beat the enemy at their own game.

It's really hard to see any positive trait in this card, the whole damn card is a huge red-flag for unethical stuff, and the worst part of it is that in the case of this card the asshole at hand is usually able to get away with it. You must stay alert and be smart.

Other than the whole vitriol of warnings this card brings to stay alert to those surrounding you is, if you have to make an escape out of something, this is the right time to do so. It's the time to take a risk. It's the time to be resourceful, to plan out your strategies, to be self-reliant, and to beat your enemy at their own game, really.

#tarot reading #tarot #pick a card #spirituality #channeled message #card reading #card of the day #advice #please help #please reblog #intuition #spiritual #spiritual growth #lightworker #mysticism #oracle #oraculo #choose one #share #collective reading #rider waite smith #rider waite tarot #spirit messages #message from spirit #message from god #spellwork #tarot witch #witchcraft #witchblr #witches

[lloydfrontera]

The only reason people say Lloyd was maltreated is because OG Lloyd suffers from “Draco in Leather Pants”, where a character with major negative flaws has those flaws massively downplayed. Along with any evil actions or rude behaviour they committed ignored or retroactively justified as them being the actions of a “victim” who is lashing out, despite all evidence to the contrary. This mostly done so that the fandom can have a new “Woobie”, a character who makes you feel extremely sorry for them, to write angst about

On the other hand, Arcos suffers from “Ron the Death Eater” syndrome. Where fandom decides to take a good character who committed a few mistakes in the past, exaggerating that characters’s small negative flaws or mistakes to massive proportions. Or even assigning evil acts to the character that the character never committed. This way people can have convenient antagonist who hurt the “Woobie” in the past or continues to do so, thus making the “Woobie” the victim in the scenario.

These are all symptoms of people wanting to make more “Whump” fanfic. Whump fanfic is fanfic where a character undergoes various different forms physical and mental suffering. These insubstantial takes on the characters in order to create “Whump” completely ignore other avenues rife with potential “Whump”, ones that are even supported by the source material.

Such as Kim Suho constant struggles with the fact that even though he now has the life he always wanted, being free from debt, in a safe financial positions, and being surrounded by a loving family, he has to contend with the fact they aren’t’t his. He has to handle the guilt he feels when interacting with Arcos and Marbella due to the belief that they don’t know that he not there son. That he effectively stolen another person’s life, though through no fault of his own, and has now undeservedly gained that person’s parents.

Then there is Julian, who suffered plenty of abuse from his brother over the years growing up, both vocal and physical. As evidenced by the scar on his forehead that was caused by glass from a beer bottle his brother threw at him. There is also the physical and vocal abuse he suffered from other nobles at the academy before Kim Suho showed up and set everyone straight. Yet not nearly as many people seem to be interested in delving to how being on the receiving end of that kind of abuse for years would affect him

In short,

Reader: “I want Whump”

Actual Story: “We have Whump at home”

love the use of tropes in this ask, you're speaking my language now

and yeah, you're right, i just,,, i find it confusing. ofc everyone is allowed to do whatever they want, canon is a suggestion and all of that but like,, i don't know. i find it weird.

it almost feels like they're trying to justify og lloyd's abuse of julian by accusing arcos of bad parenting. but 1) they do it by exaggerating some genuine mistakes he made, 2) ignoring the context surrounding the situation and 3) just fucking lying about it????

not to mention, that even if arcos had been a genuinely bad father (which he was not), that would still not justify what og lloyd did to julian! negligence doesn't justify abuse! even if the fronteras hadn't given lloyd enough positive attention (which there isn't any evidence to assume this), that would still not justify og lloyd lashing out and constantly hurting the people around him, including his younger brother.

if people want whump, just like you said, there's plenty in canon already. lloyd, julian, and javier all have their own trauma to work through, some of it caused by og lloyd himself. heck if you want that very specific 'negligent and distant father' flavor of whump, sheherazade is right there. bk moon does a great job at giving us plenty of character with a lot of baggage and trauma, there's enough to pick and choose without needing to resort to headcanons that go directly against canon lmao

but again, i'm not fond of the whole 'you're only allowed to like a character while acknowledging every bad thing they've ever done' thing, because it's bullshit and also i love me some war criminals here and there, so do whatever you want forever i'm no one to say you can't do something lol

#hey i got an ask #Anonymous #tged #the greatest estate developer

[azucar-skull]

Shedding some light on my situation:

Yesterday, I opened up emergency commissions out of the blue with a very brief explanation on the current crisis at home. As promised, here are some more details on the situation.

Last Thanksgiving, I got disowned by half of my family on my mother's side after I exposed my abusers for what they are. Ever since I got home, it's one thing after another.

Recovery (physically from injuries too), chronic illness diagnosis, Grandpa having a hospital emergency (where I had to clean up his blood), Green Eyed Mask going on hiatus due to stress, finally finishing GEM...then my dad broke the TV.

It was so unlike him to be shouting at my mom for no reason, in my gut, I knew there was a bigger picture.

Dad getting upset, my aunts and uncles coming to visit more often, telling everyone to not say "Happy birthday" to Grandpa because he's too far gone, my abuela bringing out Grandpa's antiques from his time in military.

Last week, I was let out of class early and arrived home to everyone huddled in the kitchen with paperwork. While no one was looking, I saw that the paperwork was for Grandpa's will.

My grandpa is now 88 years old, the youngest sibling in his immediate family. His older brothers and father died at war, his sister and mother of old age. It was a given that this year is his last, he'll be lucky if he makes it to July.

A long anticipated death causes stress on the entire family. I've noticed that my body is out of balance, sobbing at random intervals all day even if I'm feeling fine. It's messing up my sleep, appetite, even my fucking periods which were already a bitch in the first place.

I avoided telling you guys because art is what kept me going. I would hide in my room and draw all day, the rest of the world fading. That's all I do now, hide.

But everyone else in my family is suffering too. My dad broke the TV 2 months ago and home is falling apart by the day. My brother opted to stealing food from the grocery store and living off of chicken tenders and fries from the deli. Mom is never seen, absorbed in her own work as much as I am. The house is a mess, the fridge is empty, bills piling up, riding pay check to paycheck.

It's not that we are poor or losing financial stability (I think), if we were I could turn to my community college for help but I'm not eligible. It's the fact that everyone is so down and busy that we forget the basics like food, long overdue haircuts, doctor appointments, taking care of the dogs, etc.

It's an "every man for themselves" kind of situation. And as a disabled person, I'm unable to work a stable job. So that's why I opened commissions. Money that I can hold of my own should there be a situation like now where I had to buy food the second I got my first order.

But this also means I am going to be more busy taking care of myself and my family. Comic production will be delayed a bit, and I unfortunately can't say for sure if Feral Casey AU will be ready by the end of May.

All I ask is for your support and patience. Reblogging my commission post helps a lot more than you think. And thank you again for everything.

Commission Post

#azucar skull #emergency commissions #explained

[soldier-poet-king]

Anyway made myself upset thinking about my parents again (ofc it's nearly Christmas)

and like how they weren't technically abusive and it was all just kinda. Emotional neglect, unintentional(?) manipulation, so much shit born out of their own issues and immaturity and their own suffering. And like yeah. Okay. Maybe it (mostly) wasn't intentional, and wasn't my fault. But it still feels like my fault, my responsibility. It's still my burden to live with for the rest of my life, and it's still my personality, my inability to make connections and trust, my fucked up 'attachment style's or whatever, that suffered the consequences.

And maybe things are marginally better than they were when I was peak vulnerable and they were peak bad. But that just makes me fear I made it all up? In my head? And it IS just me and all my fault, despite my father outright admitting all these horrible things about the way my mother feels about me, despite their ongoing bullshit, despite the consensus amongst all the siblings about how fucked it is, and how I specifically was the least loved child?

Idk. Its a guilty wish, sometimes, that things had been worse. That there was some definitive /event/ to point to, as proof, as an excuse, as a reason that I'm Like This, and not just the slow, near invisible grinding down beneath their passive aggression over the years. How can you measure the effect of their behaviour on a child who was already of an anxious disposition, but never to this extent? How can you count the costs, see what was lost, when I was never allowed to grow into a person outside of it all? I'm STILL not a person, not really, not a full one at least.

And still, still the enduring wish that it had been worse. So I'd feel less crazy. More justified. So I'd have an excuse to leave and cut the strings with finality. So I wouldn't have to keep playing this game, balancing this dance, even as I reap the (financial) benefits of of not having to be completely independent in this economy. And yet. And yet. How can we count the costs?

If things are marginally better, is it because I made it up? Because I matured and put in the work on my end and am trying to handle myself? Because I learned how to more carefully walk on eggshells and navigate this? Because I simply stopped outwardly caring? Or are they better? Are they capable of being better? They're still awful to each other, and it spills over onto me constantly, but it's not /as/ bad as it was when I was my youngest brother's age. Were they always capable of that? Was I simply not worth the effort to change for? Not worth the effort to try and help, to save?

And I have to live the rest of my life like this? Not just with all the fragile shattered spiky bits of my non-self, but also always doing this dance with them? Always the tension and the guilt because I want and need to leave, but that's just Not Done, and I can't, won't, be my mother, practically glued at the hip to her aging mother. But I know I'm the only one of my siblings responsible enough to be the one to step up at take care of them as they age, regardless if I need to move cross country and change my name and never return. I know it'll fall to me, even as I was the one most damaged by them. There is no way our, no reconciliation at the happy ending, no fixing this in a way that matters. But there's no justification for my leaving, my escape either. If I cannot wish evil on my genuine enemies, how can I not care for them when they eventually age? My conscience won't let me, even as I know it'll kill whatever's left of my heart, to be stuck with them, again. Its a long ways off, they're young still. And yet. And yet.

Idk. I hate the holidays. I'm glad I'll be out of the house for most of them save Christmas Eve & day itself. It'll be lonely, perhaps, it usually is, and I'll be melancholy and drink too much wine and lay about being morose. But at least it'll be on my own terms.

#the duality of fran #ignore this i just. idm #i was suddenly very sad and upset #and if i didn't write it out i wouldnt be able to get back to work #and i rlly wanted to get thru this fonds by the end of the day