#and can only understand things that are right in front of them

[nunalastor]

AU where instead of isolating himself from his people for thousands of years, once Charlie was born Lucifer attempted to reconnect with his people again. Incognito, by disguising himself and opening a duck-themed cafe in the Pride Ring where he can interact with sinners on the regular without them knowing who he is. Although no one recognizes Lucifer-passing-himself-off-as-a-sinner, the first couple a times someone tries to give him trouble at his cafe he quickly shuts that shit down and gains a reputation as someone not to be messed with. And since he's not going around collecting souls or extorting people for money or whatever, most of the worst sinners just leave him and his little cafe alone. It becomes a place known to the less bloodshed-prone sinners as one of the few places they can just exist in peace.

Then a hundred years go by and the Radio Demon makes his debut slaughtering Overlords and striking fear in the hearts of sinners all over Pride. He appears in the cafe with a sinister grin and Lucifer demands to know what he wants, bracing himself for a fight...

Only for Alastor to order a dark roast.

Lucifer's confused. So are the regulars who all ducked for cover the moment the Radio Demon strode in. But Alastor doesn't make any trouble. He takes his order, chooses a seat by the window, and proceeds to read a newspaper while enjoying his coffee. When he's done he leaves a rather sizable tip in the tip jar before thanking the disguised king and going on his way.

Lucifer's cafe gains a new confusing regular that day and he's not sure how to respond when Alastor keeps showing up. Since he's been among sinners for a while now, Lucifer does know of the Radio Demon's reputation and doesn't understand why Alastor isn't causing any trouble. Slaughtering the customers, trying to eat people's faces, that sort of thing. Not that Lucifer wouldn't be perfectly capable of handling Alastor if he did something like that, he's just confused as to why Alastor hasn't even tried.

He kind of sort of gets his answer one day when a brute comes into the cafe thinking he's going to hold it up. The robber grabs one of the regulars and presses a gun to their head, threatening to to shoot if Lucifer doesn't empty his cash register. Before Lucifer can do anything, though, a black tentacle severs the robbers arms and the hostage is able to scramble to the relative safety below the table. Alastor stands up, says something about how it would be a shame to make even more of a mess of this lovely cafe, and seizes the robber by the back of their jacket before coolly striding out the door and dragging them into the alley between buildings.

Everyone can hear the squelching and snapping noises, the horrific screaming followed by an abrupt silence.

Then Alastor strides back in, humming a jazzy tune with blood and viscera staining the front of his coat. He asks Lucifer if he can steal a roll of paper towels before going to the bathroom to clean himself up.

Okay, Lucifer thinks, so the rumors about the Radio Demon weren't exactly wrong, but they weren't wholly right either. He sort of wishes that Alastor had just done nothing and let Lucifer handle the situation without traumatizing the rest of his customers - and he's grumbling about it as he cleans up the severed arms and blood puddle - but still... He can't help being a tad intrigued by this contradictory sinner.

👀

#hazbin hotel #alastor #nunalastor asks #lucifer #radioapple

[squerlly]

Fair Exchange chapter 4

------"in the end the, we only regret the chances we didn't take"-------

Alastor x (F! wife doe reader)

The Buck----------------------------------------------------

I felt a little pent up from yesterday's... inconveniences so I decided to hunt for my breakfast rather than have y/n prepare it. she reluctantly agreed since it gave her some free time to enjoy the morning. I have never seen her eat a proper breakfast but I'm sure she is eating something with all that energy she has to clean. I tried to ignore the yelling and loud blast I heard from downstairs by turning up the music on my radio.

humming to the music and enjoying the savory taste of fresh venison, I was rudely interrupted when a certain someone burst through my door "Alastor!!" vaggie said with irritation in her tone "Do you mind, I'm in the middle of breakfast" she rolls her eyes and steps aside revealing 5 little eggs.

"pentiouses eggs are all over the place and I need you to get rid of them!" I toss my utensils aside and conjure my radio staff "Well in that case I would be delighted to" she glares at me "Humanly!!" "hmm well that's a lot less fun~ but I suppose I can take care of that on my outing today" I pass by her in the hallway, the little egg things following me around. in the hallway, I ran into y/n who was carrying back her freshly dried laundry and just happened to glance behind me.

she stops with a little smile on her face "Well if it isn't you cute little things" she says bending down to pat one of the eggs on the top of their shell. they all surround her and compliment her while she giggles, her smile widening each time. I have noticed more and more that she has been happier here at the hotel, mingling with the strange bunch of sinners. I haven't seen her smile like that in almost 10 years, it almost makes me.... "where are you taking them?" she says pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Apparently they have been quite the trouble makers and I have been asked to get rid of them" and that once bright smile then turns into a small frown "Do they have to goo?" she whines and for a moment there's something about her tone of voice, her frown and her eyes that makes my chest tighten. I have never hesitated when getting rid of someone or something, especially if it was necessary but right this moment... I might have to reconsider.

"I'm afraid so my dear" I say trying to push down that feeling and focus on the fact I'm about to be late for a meeting. "the overlords have been called out to a meeting and I will not return until very late so please don't worry about preparing dinner" she gives me an understanding nod before giving the little eggs a hug "goodbye little egg boys..." and standing to walk off to her room.

I continue on downstairs and out the door, walking the streets of hell with 5 eggs. they kept asking me question after question and I started to feel less guilty about getting rid of them "What does y/n see in you... things" I say while they just look at me curiously. there lucky I only have a craving for venison and coffee otherwise, I would have had them scrambled for breakfast.

just around the block of Carmilla's company building a black shadow that looks all too familiar stops me in my tracks "Halt Alastor!!" I stop and a ting of excitement pools through me "Who is that boss? Want me to ruff him up for ya!" one of the little egg boys spat. I turned tapping him on the head with my radio staff "Follow in silence if you value your shell.." I once again turned my attention to the tall demon in front of me.

"greetings zestial~" Zestial is the oldest overlord, he and I are fairly acquainted to an extent. we both make small talk while walking towards the elevator of the building, the little egg boys following not far behind before I take my staff blocking them from entering the elevator with us "No no I have a very important task for you, guard the front and wait for my return~" "you got it, boss!"

Zestial and I greet the other overlords before entering the board room, setting myself next to dear Rosie. Carmilla walks in shortly after, her steel heels clanking with every step and her daughters at her side "Welcome hell's sovereign overlords, I have invited you all here because you represent the controlling powers of our city. together you own millions of souls, souls at risk with the new extermination schedule" She continues on before noticing Zestial who took a seat next to her, a cup of tea conjured in his hand "Zestial always good to see you, my friend" "enchanted as always Carmilla~"

she then turns towards me with a somewhat shocked expression "Alastor?" "yes, I know I've been absent some time. I'm sure you've all been wondering" "Not really but welcome back in any case..." The nerve she had but, I let it slide. She talks about the amount of demons that got killed this year before the door slams open and the last person I was hoping to see walks in.

"nice of you to join us velvet, will your colleagues be joining us?..." I hope not "No they have better shit to do!" she scowls and moves on "So, we need to discuss-" she raises her hand "Yes velvet.." "On the subject of discussion-" she says standing on the table and tossing an exorcist's head "Oh tasty~" I say while inspecting the head, I found it rather strange that angels bleed literal liquid gold but knowing that the hell-born bleed black I'm not to surprised.

they continue to chat on about things that I find irrelevant before Carmilla and Velvet start arguing about going to war with heaven. It's a reckless decision, one that I wouldn't want to take part in considering that I don't have much of an issue with the exterminations. but just as quickly as the meeting started it ended "Well that was a productive meeting!"

everyone exits the boardroom before I spot Zestial walking away with Carmilla. I look around and spot one little egg that has followed us inside "Hay you little egg creature, I have a job for you. follow them!" and with that I head back outside to the front.

The rest of the eggs are about the area, rummaging through trash and whatnot. I wonder how I will get rid of these things, they don't seem as harmful as vaggie says they are.

eventually, the little egg comes back out of the elevator "Sooo, what did you hear?" he started rambling on before I caught something that I heard to be useful "What was that last part?" "she killed the a-angel..." Carmilla Carmine killed an exorcist. that's quite useful even if I don't have a use for it but perhaps in the future. "keep this between us, why don't you!?" "you got it, boss!!" and with that, we make our way back to the hotel.

I walk through the doors of the hotel with the 5 little eggs behind me "Alastor!" vaggie says from atop the stairs "Failed to get rid of the eggs I see?" "Yes well, the little monsters proved to be rather useful~" and perhaps for another reason, speaking of... "y/n walks over seeing the 5 eggs in one piece "your back and- you didn't get rid of them!"

she picks one up and holds it close, her smile returning. that feeling that I had returned... that chest aching, fuzzy warm feeling. maybe I'm just exaggerating, am I sick?... no demons cant get sick were already dead...

"Alastor?" she says in her sweet soft voice, I meet her gaze and she looks at me with a sense of worry, but why. "yes my dear?" "Are you alright, You're spacing out" She says setting the little egg creature to run off with Pentious before stepping closer to me "I'm.. alright, don't worry about me. why don't you head off to bed you look a bit tired"

her smile falters slightly "Alright..." she says before walking upstairs. whatever this feeling is I need to kill it, it's preventing me from thinking straight. maybe I should see Rosie sometime this week...

sorry if this chapter feels a little boring but it does have some important details in there ;). chapter 5 is almost ready for posting so as always stay tuned and have a wonderful day/night much love!!!

-squerlly

@pooplyface1423 @strippezzz @kimmis-stuff

for more content and chapters please click this masterlist

#hazbin #alastor #alastor x reader #hazbin alastor x reader #hazbin hotel x you #alastor x reader smut #hazbin hotel smut #hazbin hotel x reader #alastor x y/n #hazbin hotel

[bertoyana]

funniest thing to #Me about the use of charles' telepathy in charles' and erik's relationship in the prequels is how both of them suck SOOO bad at using it LMAOOOO

like, you'd think having a telepath in the dynamic would actually help things along with the communication, but they are both USELESS at making use of it

charles will use it to crossdress erik and tell angel how much he wants to fuck him and erik will use it to tell charles how much he wants to be controlled, but that's ALL they use it for. it's not even horny or funny anymore it's just SAD, man. they suck so bad at it

(the only time they ever make good use of it is when charles unburied one of erik's memories with his mother, and that's it)

erik just automatically assumes charles knows everything and that he knows WHY erik does the things he does (because charles is in his head, so he MUST know, right?) and charles automatically assumes erik understands the hidden meaning of every single thing he says (because erik is also in charles' thoughts, so he SHOULD know, right?)

(wrong. they are both stupid and they will keep going in circles for 30 years straight)

like. take their first interaction in xma as an example

(on the other hand, i don't even want to think about the "you are looking in the wrong place" line because it makes me want to k1ll myself in front of the writers)

they are in each other's heads right now, and yet they are not even LISTENING to each other, they are just going in circles because both of them are too wrapped up in erik's own grief to actively try to hear what the other is trying to say. and while you can tell charles is hurting for erik and wants to help him, he's probably not going about it the best way

also if you pay attention at the start of the scene, when erik feels charles in his mind he just... looks confused, curious maybe, as to why charles is there, but he doesn't get angry or defensive straight away. he just lost his family for the second time (simon kimberg i'm in your walls) so he's probably even welcoming the only familiar thing he still has left.

he doesn't get defensive UNTIL charles starts talking and just kind of... also starts putting his own foot into his mouth. bless his heart.

and the thing is, while they get interrupted by apocalypse... being there lmao, i don't think this would have pan out any different if it was just the two of them. as i said, they are not listening to each other. charles means well but he's not really listening to what erik is trying to tell him, and in response to this erik is rejecting any type of help charles wants to give him.

and we know apocalypse was using erik's grief (about magda and nina, about the camps) to manipulate him - *we* as an audience know that, but back in this scene, charles doesn't even NOTICE apocalypse. and this, plus the fact that as we've established, they SUCK at trying to listen to each other and communicate, just brings the entire thing to failure.

(also imagine being the most powerful telepath in the world and being too focused on your best friend to notice the god standing a few steps away from him... which could mean nothing)

(mind you. they are literally in each other's heads rn. they can hear what the other is thinking and feeling. AND YET)

and it's even funnier (no) how they are even WORSE without charles' telepathy. take as an example, both of their fights in the plane in dofp

from charles' point of view, erik was the one that left him. erik literally and physically LEFT him in cuba, took the only teleporter there was and left charles to bleed out (lmao). meanwhile, from erik's point of view, he might have left first physically, but he only did so after charles rejected him. so, from HIS point of view, charles was the one to pull away FIRST. when he told him they didn't want the same thing (rejecting erik's ideals and by thus rejecting erik himself as well)

(and charles also let erik to rot in prison for 10 years so he could be also referring to that lmao)

this also brings me to my other point. which is something that i do think is pretty much ignored by everyone, but to be fair, it's also ignored by the movie so,

and it's the fact that the movie establishes that erik has been isolated for 10 YEARS. again, we as the audience know that charles has been struggling for the past 11 years, we know he did all he could for the mutants and we know he's been struggling, and we also know he's been using the serum because he couldn't stand the voices.

mind you, erik doesn't know any of this. not only because he's been in prison for 10 years (and i doubt they let him keep up with the news) but also because charles doesn't tell him any of this (fair)

and the last thing erik said to charles before they parted ways in cuba was that they wanted the same thing, which charles denied.

so from erik's point of view, all that he knows is that charles promised him all those years ago that he wasn't alone, and then he rejected erik in cuba, sent him away, and then proceeded to give up on erik and on their cause by doing nothing when the mutants were being tortured and experimented on. and he started using the serum and living with hank like a normal human being, sacrificing his powers and 'betraying' their cause.

ofc none of this is what actually happened, and *we* know that. but erik doesn't. and for some reason??? that i find extremely hilarious??? no one ever BOTHERS to correct erik's assumption, lmao. also none of this ever comes up again in the movies which to me just means erik went on believing that charles just briefly gave up on their cause for 10 years LMAOOO

okay, moving on bc i still have things to yap about

the other plane scenes comes in. erik shows up with the chessboard, they actually DO talk a bit and erik tells him he didn't mean to kill jfk (can't believe i wrote that down these movies were insane) and then they settle to play chess. AAAND this scene comes in

and he apologizes for SHOOTING charles, because he never meant to hurt him, and he does regret that. but he's not apologizing for leaving, because, once again, from his point of view, charles left HIM

and then charles hits him with the most pathetic saddest wettest expectant look in existence (james mcavoy you are insane) because he thinks erik is going to apologize for leaving

and then erik hits him with this LMAOOO

and charles realizes erik is apologizing for shooting him (something i'm pretty sure charles didn't exactly blame him for? his biggest accusation was that erik abandoned him)

and you can see charles literally and figuratively backtracking and shutting down immediately AGAIN.

(because, again, charles thinks erik left him, and erik should apologize for that, but from erik's pov? charles rejected him, he pulled away FIRST so he wasn't the first to abandon the other. charles was)

(they both are wrong and right in a way. they also don't tell each other any of this)

then it's erik's turn to give charles the wettest and saddest look known in mankind, charles shuts down, refuses to even look at erik, he changes topics and erik lets him.

(they never talk about this again, btw)

(it probably blew up in their faces in genosha. i just know they make everyone's life miserable as hell in there . god bless)

anyways, i'm sure someone smarter than me could make a more interesting analysis of how you can tell they do genuinely care about each other, but their failing to communicate properly just brings them to their fall down over and over. especially because it's something that keeps blowing up in their faces all the time in the prequels. something something the failure of telepathy something.

#tbf to erik charles DID tell him he knew everything abt him in xmfc so you cant blame a man for taking things literal #cherik #x-men #long post #meta #text #otp: i want you by my side #erik lehnsherr #charles xavier #since ppl liked me yapping abt them in dp i thought i should post this that has been sitting on my drafts forever #yapping*

[moonlight-tmd]

What do you think would happen if tfp Bumblebee meets tfa Bumblebee?

Tfp Bumblebee: A child soldier who has seen nothing but war watching everyone around him die or return with serious injuries and lifelong trauma, Megatron tore out his larynx and because of this he is now unable to speak so that humans can understand him. He had to face Megatron repeatedly after that. He had to leave his planet because it simply wasn't safe for him anymore.

He continued to lose more friends and then saw his father figure almost die in front of his eyes and the only option was to enter Megatron's mind (please leave the boy alone) in order to save him.

He then had to deal with Megatron in his mind trying to control him and he hurt two of his friends because of it so that in the end he lost all control and now Megatron forced him to revive his body to to be able to come back to life.

(there are many more things, but I don't want to be overwhelming or anything like that)

What do you think?

From TFP Bee's perspective; he would be so relieved in a hurt way... this version of him was spared the absolute horrors he endured and had a chance to live a somewhat normal life. Little Bee had his downsides and struggles no one saw as serious, it hurt him but not as much as it would hurt to know Little Bee met a similar fate as him. He was happy that at least one of many other possible versions of him has a happy life. To be quite honest he wished so badly that was him... at least he has Raf and others back at their home, they're his family.

TFA Bee's perspective; tiny man Bee would be both amazed and jealous of how cool and badass this giant alternate universe him is. He always wished to be like that and now he can learn just how to do that. It was until later when Big Bee started to open up (cuz he was unbelievably shy, according to Little Bee) that Little Bee learned what it takes to be a proper soldier. He went from seeing the big version of himself as a heroic idol to seeing him as a victim of war and cruelty of the world. I guess he would see how lucky he is to be where he is right now- Big Bee had not said alot (Bee had a hard time understanding some of the binary beeps) but he said enough for Little Bee to not take everything he knew and had for granted.

Both of them learned things from each other- Big Bee taught Little Bee how to fight some and and defend himself while Little Bee provided emotional comfort and ways to soothe when he was hurting that Big Bee has never knew. I'm not entirely sure what would Big Bee do but Little Bee would definitely be more thoughtful and cautious with what he says and does- be it with his chosen family or in combat. He was grateful for all the things and comforts he had now, that one meeting will stay in his mind forever.

#maccadam #ask box #tfa #tfp #tfa bumblebee #tfp bumblebee

[faerunsbest]

So I did a little fic of Rolan venturing with the party to rescue Cal and Lia from moonrise.

I want to do the moster wife thing,

What you think for the opening?

Choices choices

Rolan lifted his face from the mud, unsurprised by the golden veil that passed its warmth over him. A wide beam of sunlight was dashed over him and there was tav.

Again.

Saving his ass…

Again and again and again.

This time however before he could yell They were on him, arms tight around him.

“ I know why you're upset, I'm sorry. I miss my family too. Let me help you get yours back.”

Rolan struggled against their hold on him, he huffed and felt his eyes burt, so he lashed out with violent words.

But tav didn't let go. They just held on and it reminded him so much of Cal when they didn't want to See the fighting anymore. It wasn't fair…why can they do this to him?!

When he calmed enough, cleared his throat and wiped his face. Tav looked at him patiently.

“What now?!”

Lae’zel looked over to him.

“Lead the way, we have been promised to assist in gathering your …”

She seemed to search for the words, only for karlach to throw an arm over her shoulder and give a big wide grin.

“Family, you're lookin for family. That's the word soldier.”

Laezel looked back Rolan with a firm nod,arms crossed over her chest.

“We shall assist you in collecting your family.”

Astarion stood nearby, twirling a dagger in one hand as he eyes rolan with interest.

“And what do we get for going out of our wat for helping him?”

Rolans shoulders stiffened, tav snorted and shoved Him by his shoulders.

“What do I get for helping you?”

“A fabulous archer.”

“I have lae'zel.”

“Someone to guard your back”

“I have laezel.”

“Someome pretty to look at in this mess.”

“I have lae'zel.”

Astarion gasped loudly as Laezel and karlach both laughed.

“so, Astarion if I only help people who can help me- you're shit outta luck ain't ya?”

The small crowd walked along, tav pulling a small health potion out from their pack to hand over to Rolan. Gale laughed from beside him.

“You're still a beautiful man, I assure you but it's not a fair comparison is it?”

What a strange bundle of bodies it was that Rolan found himself walking with to moonrise. They chatted and teased each other, laughed and even mid battle took jabs. Eventually they entered the place with a bizarre boldness, right through the front door. Rolan found that tav seemed to carry a sharp intense leer, letting people stumble over themselves to get them in.

So in they went. Stepping through puddles of blood, punting bones and things out of the way. Soon enough Rolan found himself with the others looking for a way down to the dungeons and somewhere in route they found themself in a lab. A lab with a woman who kept leering so luridly at astarion.

Rolan found himself watching as the vampire seemed to worry, leaning towards tav. The vampire needing to be defended…and he was. Rolan watched as tav laughed in the face of a great opportunity to keep that bratty vampire safe.

Soon the descended long stairs, Rolan looking over from the corner of his eye to see Astarion looking so terribly lost. Rolan couldn't help but ask out loud.

“Tav, why do you do this?”

“Do what?”

“All of it? It would have been wiser to abandon the grove, what did you gain? Nothing really… Mol told everyone that you slew harpies to save one child. I keep hearing about all the things you do, so why do you do it?”

They listened to tav hmm and think quietly a moment as they trotted down the stairs.

“Because I suppose…I'm selfish.”

Rolan jerked his head to the side to look at tav, lae'zel with that shameless smirk. Did she understand what tav meant? Astarion clearly didn't, his eyes darted all over before landing back on tav. Rolan asked again

“Maybe I don't understand the word as you do. Enlighten me if you please.”

Tav chuckled, the sound becoming ominous as it trickled down the stairs.

“ I begged for help, I prayed. I thought I would die, every day. No one answered, we were all begging for help looking to God's, looking to soldiers and armies and anyone else for help. I alway wished, anyone would help but no one ever did. You know what? I'm someone and I can help. So maybe, maybe if I help enough people they'll all realize they're someone too. And someone can help.”

What a strange and naive way of thinking he looked back to tav who caught his gaze.

“I do this because no one helped me, and I don't want anyone to feel like I did. I want to be the person I needed.”

Rolan found a lopsided smile on his face.

“You sound like my mother.”

“I bet shes lovely.”

“Indeed she was.”

Downstairs in the dungeons, Rolan looked around while tav talked circles around the guards. He glanced to the side and saw them, Cal and Lia pressed to bars of their cell. They stared at him in shock while he waited behind Tav and beside Astarion. He followed along deciding to trust them as they walked past the cell full of tieflings with a wink and headed straight for the gnomes.

Too long later Rolan was sitting in the damn boat with all others, Cal and Lia Leaned on his shoulders exhausted. He looked and found tav smiling at him, he couldn't help but smile back, a small lopsided exhausted smile.

“What are you staring at? Must you continue to meddle?”

He chuckled as he said it,

“I simply must!”

Gale looked out over the water, up ahead. Rolan and the others catching sight of a fork in the path. Gale frowned at it

"i do wonders if those old stories are true.”

“of what tales do you speak wizard?”

Laezel asked as she peered out.

“Tara told me that deep down, between hell and the dark there's a place a were midgods are banished.”

“midgod?”

“the ones that were born but were never human.”

“Why would they be banished?”

“I don't recall, but apparently that's where the temples are.”

Rolan felt Cal shift against him, absent mindedly reaching up to rub the side of Cal's head, letting him fall asleep again. As he did he spoke softly, not wanting to wake his siblings.

“It's the gods that stole immortality, drank it from blades of grass and split their tongues.”

Gale pointed at rolan with a bright smile.

“yes! That's what Tara said, she said there was some kind of battle and the servants stole some drink. They wound up punished by being locked away, something like that.”

“they were bound not banished.”

Laezel blinked, looking down to her boots then across the water.

“bound to what?”

A wave of water crashed against the side of the boat making it rock, Rolan felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. For a moment he locked eyes with Tav, Gale and laezel both looking down at the water.

Laezel was wearing heavy armor, karlach with her mechanical heart encased in heat, Astarion being a vampire was not able to swim. Gale was exhausted and out of spells, the others left only civilians.

Again the boat rocked. Tav and the others tensed. What a terrible place to be caught in, Rolans mind raced as a million scenarios played out. This time spiraling ribbons of waves shattered the waters smooth surface before something heavy slammed up against the boat.

The refugees gasped and yelled, clinging to each other as they pulled each other to boats center. Laezel whipped her blade across the edge of the boat when a webbed hand made its way over.

Cal and Lia looked around in horror as they seemed to be surrounded. Rolan grabbed his siblings by the collar and threw them forward, into the others. He let off a string of spells as he leapt out over the edge of the boat. He stood on the surface of the water, all those ribbons of ripples whipping around to him.

He ran off toward the nearest shore, throwing another spell over his shoulder.

“DOLOR!”

Thunderwave slammed across the water, a small tidal slamming against the boat sending it and all I souls careening down their path.

“ROLAN!!!!”

Cal shrieked, him and Lia almost jumping over to go with him. Karlach pulled them back, Gale watching as a single exhausted wizard quickly depleted energy he shouldn't have. He watched Rolan run across the water, stumbling when he hit the shore and ran for the other path. A myriad of Fishman burst from surface to rush after him, though before was out of sight rolan bellowed.

“I'LL MEET YOU AT THE GATE!”

Lae'zel looked on as he disappeared onto the dark, part of her wanted to consider him a loss. But she was getting used to being proven wrong.

Gale raised his staff, it's light casting sanctuary over the boat for the rest of the trip back the inn.

#bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #rolan #bg3 rolan #holy rolan empire #tiefling #romance #art #artbyale #tav #fic #fanfiction #fanfic #writing #au #monsterwife #monster #wife #monster wife

[doctorcurdlejr]

Niko!! what'd you think of I saw the tv glow. I finally saw it last night and noticed you posting about it so I wanted to know your thoughts :)

Levi!!! I was JUST wondering what you were thinking about the movie after I saw you posting about it as well... we are so media discussion pilled in this way, it's awesome. ANYWAYS I've had so many thoughts since I first saw it and I've been trying to turn them into something coherent for a little bit now.

Ummm okay I have written 1k+ words about this movie, the suburbs, and escapism via teen TV.... clearly I was dying for somebody to ask this I guess so thank you for indulging me <3

First and foremost, I absolutely loved it! I've seen it twice now and the first time I watched it I got to see Jane Schoenbrun talk about the film right after. I already really liked it from that first watch alone. I found it so deeply relatable to my experiences - both in terms of growing up gay and trans, but where I am now in my 20s trying to navigate adulthood. Hearing what Schoenbrun had to say really cemented my feelings and thoughts about the film.

During the director discussion, Schoenbrun talked a little bit about this idea of how truly fucking bizarre it is to grow up in the suburbs. Like, when we think about the pinnacle of normality in American culture, it's the image of middle-class cis-hetero-white suburbia. At the same time, despite this cultural dream of normality, everybody is hyper-aware that the suburbs are one of the least normal things ever. So, the ACTUAL cultural understanding of it is that it's where we go to, like, passively kill ourselves (*George Costanza voice* WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY YOU KNOW!).

This idea isn't new, I mean there are so many films and shows about navigating that specific bizarre dissonance from Rebel Without a Cause to Heathers to Twin Peaks. Probably half the pre-teen to teen TV I watched obsessively growing up, stuff like Strange Days at Blake Holsey High, Making Fiends, Truth or Scare, and eventually Riverdale, were never shy about being weird and morbid and saying "yes, the suburbs are exactly as bizarre and lethal in the ways you can already feel in your bones at 13." I Saw the TV Glow does a really good job of keying not only into that mental dissonance but more specifically into how those of us who have felt so intrinsically weird and different and wrong fell back on these shows like they were capable of doing the emotional version of a rescue breath maneuver after being drowned.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a big influence on the movie (it's why Amber Benson makes a cameo as Johnny Link's mom). Even though I don't have the same emotional link to Buffy since I never watched it, I recognize it as the same type of warmth I experienced growing up with Riverdale. When Owen says he feels like his insides have been scooped out but that he's too afraid to look and have that wrongness everybody knows is there be confirmed, Maddy simply responds "Maybe you're like Isabel. Afraid of what's inside you." Tears forming but not falling, breathing shallowly, I grabbed the paper and pen the theater keeps at the seats for people to order food with and wrote that line down - the slip of paper is still somewhere in my car. Writing it now almost feels lame in its simplicity, but it felt like my insides were being flayed open.

In high school, if there were two things about me that any person who even vaguely knew me could list off it was that I watched Riverdale, and I was a lesbian - and I was mocked more for the Riverdale. At that age, I was, without a doubt, the most miserable I have ever felt in my life. I rarely left the house because my family lived in a development that made me want to scratch my skin off when I walked out our front door. Owen didn't leave the house for days, afraid Maddy could somehow force him out. I sobbed constantly and frequently to depressing indie rock on the floor of my closet while hoping my family would just once read the (honest to god) KEEP OUT poster plastered on my door since I didn't have a lock on it. Owen didn't leave his room for days, afraid of what Maddy recognized in him. I didn't go on dates and kept my chest binder shoved to the bottom of my bookbag while wearing dresses that could've come from a how-to-be the perfect 50s housewife manual. Owen didn't leave his bed for days, afraid of Maddy touching his neck and Isabel's dress. I also watched Riverdale with the kind of zeal you see in a Pentecostal who has found God and started speaking in tongues to let you know it. I own a button that says, "Don't Make Me Go Dark Betty On You," I cherish it in a way that is only achieved by knowing exactly how corny and trite it is and then moving straight past that because well actually, and most people wouldn't get this, she's holding back something deeply dark and wild and- and disgusting. something painful yet intrinsically her. but i get it, obviously. or maybe not obviously! hopefully not obviously, but- basically, I'm just saying I get it: the experience of reflection and recognition through the other and all that.

Whatever, the point is that this movie is one big glaring trans allegory about how it sucks dog shit to live in the suburbs, and even at our most repressed we find these little snow globes of actualization in the glow of a tv screen that isn't afraid to show you the world you see. I've seen some people say that, like, in this context accepting or coming into your transness is this monumental death of self, which I get, but I feel there lacks a nuance in that. Unlike Maddy who buries herself alive, Owen doesn't kill himself upon facing the reality that the world is constructed to keep him miserable; the only way out being to take back what it is that the world wants to keep scooped out of him. This lack of suicide sucks in the kind of way that forces you to sit in your car on the midnight drive home and think to yourself am I letting myself suffocate because at some point knowing the misery became less scary than admitting I've been capable of doing something about it the whole time?

Maddy is an out lesbian who left town to escape the misery and found it strapped to her ankles. She slinks out, an animal pressed against the gymnasium floor, and says "I'm not telling you anything you don't already know." Owen looks into the camera and narrates. He cuts himself open with a box cutter, fully acknowledges what's there, and the movie ends with his suffocating apology parade for the unnoticeable inconvenience of his excruciating suffering. You can be gay and trans, you can know it and you can stop repressing it, but you're not going to stop suffocating until you can find a way to kill the part of you that truly deeply does want to die, reaching for the comforting euthanasia of normalcy. Stop visiting the dream of the life you want and make it into your reality with the same kind of unrepentant conviction seen in some underfunded but wildly ambitious teen television series. In other words: you must survive the ego death of being weird. A weirdo, who doesn't fit in and doesn't want to fit in!

Clearly, I’ve been enchanted by the film’s narrative and meta-textual language. If you're familiar with it, you can see how Schoenbrun built this movie like a long-form dream episode of a canceled teen show filmed in Vancouver. Lynchian? Yeah, sure. Riverdalesque? THIS we cannot possibly deny. Schoenbrun said they included Amber Benson as an act of healing the inner rage experienced at Tara’s death in Buffy. This is a Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa ending Riverdale with a bisexual polycule after his gay Archie play got ceased-and-desisted type move. There’s probably more I could say about the soundtrack and the visuals, but I’ve hit over 1k words on this, so I’ll leave it at I enjoyed this movie a lot. :)

#i saw the tv glow #riverdale #< the sister tag to me talking about this movie at this rate... #i saw the tv glow spoilers #asks

[malii-the-bonehead]

The Other Woman pt1

its here ladies and gents its here.

Slow burn

Summary: Chris, a popular hockey player at school where Y/n went, found himself falling for the beautiful, shy girl. As time went on he found out who Y/n truly was as a person and ultimately, he had to make the choice, his girlfriend, or the other woman.

She was beautiful and he knew it. He knew because every chance he got, he would look in her direction. She sat so perfectly in 3rd hour history class, her back facing him. But he could imagine exactly what her face did. The way she focused so hard. So hard that she’d lick her lips too many times. The way her eyebrows furrowed when she didn't understand the lesson. Her long hair perched in a messy bun on top of her head. How her cheeks were always dusted with a light pink color. She was so, so beautiful. Not everyone would think that, but one adored her. Chris adored everything about her. She was so sweet and soft spoken and she was a little bit shy. He would listen to her talk when the teacher would ask a question and wonder how she got so wise and smart. He was proud of someone he never knew.

He thought about her a lot. And ofcourse, he was beautiful as well, but he didn’t think so. He thought he could never, ever be good enough for her. Chris thought he lacked the smarts and personality that she had. He thought he wasn’t worthy of her, and so many people, except himself, knew he was more than capable. Chris wasn’t exactly sure of how popular he was in school. Him on one side of the social status and her on the other.

Despite not many people knowing her, the ones who did were fond of Y/n. They had no reason to despise her. Everyone apart from Chris’ girlfriend. No one understood why, not even Chris. And Chris loved his girlfriend, but she wasn’t Y/n. The love he felt for Y/n was different from Clairisa, Chris’s girlfriend. She was beautiful too, super smart as well and always kind.  But there was something that drew Chris to the other woman. He didn’t have a clue what it was but it kept tugging at him. And it pained Chris to know that if Clairisa knew how he felt about Y/n, it would crush her. But that didn’t stop him. He just wanted to talk to her. To be close to her. He wanted to be her friend. That’s why he’s where he’s at right now, in front of Y/n's desk in their only shared class.

Y/n’s pov

I wrote on my paper, studying the last bit of information I could before the test. I didn't have time to study last night. Work kept me up til around midnight, and when I did finally arrive home, I had to clean the kitchen. It was always a mess when I got home. I regret not doing it after school, seeing how tired and stressed I was this morning. I scribbled down as much as I could. I found that I can memorize things quicker if I write it down a few times. God how I hated history. I was good at everything, math, science, English, and even French class, but history? Hell no. I sighed, closing my eyes and rubbing them with my fingers. I heard a slight tap on my desk in front of me. I moved my hands from my face and looked up slightly. It was a boy with brown hair and very blue eyes. I felt my face form a confused expression. I knew who he was, everyone did. Chris Sturniolo was kind of popular with the girls and he was very friendly with the majority of the guys at school as well. Most knew him because he played hockey, and damn was he good at it. 

Why is he at my desk? Class is about to start and he’s at my desk.

“Um, yes?” I asked, glancing over his face before shifting in my spot. His gaze was making me uncomfortable.

He looked at me for a few seconds, but it felt like so much longer. He looked like he wanted to get something off his mind but couldn’t form the words.

“Do you need something?” I questioned him once more. Then, as he was opening his mouth to say something, he closed it and walked away to his desk. I looked down at my hands on my lap. What was that about?

I glanced back slightly, him already looking at me. I quickly turned around, picking up my pencil and scribbling on my paper again, trying to hide my face from others that were filing into the room. I felt a blush slowly creep up my neck. Well that was embarrassing. The bell rang meaning class was starting. I closed my book as the teacher announced we had a test today and started going over the directions of what to do after we had finished.

The test wasn’t difficult at all. I was actually the second one to finish it. I knew I had gotten an A on it. Majority of it was common sense. After I turned the paper in to the teacher, I walked back to my desk. I glanced around the room, my eyes finding the top of Chris’s head. He had his head down, probably sleeping. Did he finish his test? Why is he sleeping right now? I shook my head slightly and sat back down at my desk. I opened my bag and grabbed my phone and headphones. I opened my music app and played my music, letting out a breath and sighing. I had work again today. From 4 to 11:30. That meant that when I got home I had to clean the house quickly, so I didn’t struggle like I did last night. I placed my head down softly, shutting my eyes and listening to the music playing through my headphones.

–

School was slow. Every class seemed to take forever. I think it was because I was so exhausted. Lunch was nice though. I normally go outside for lunch. I like to look at the sky, listen to my music and enjoy the quiet. Sometimes there would be the occasional person to say hello to me but today it was just my thoughts. I was grateful for that. I appreciated the 45 minutes of peace. I liked talking to people, but most of the time it was too much to deal with. Talking meant focusing, and lunch was the time that I didn’t need to focus, unless I was cramming information in my head because of an exam next hour. 

The last bell of the day rang, excusing students to go home and enjoy the rest of the day for themselves. I walked outside, to my car. A white  2017 Nissan Sentra. Nothing special, but I loved it. It was cozy and gave me good memories. Memories I’ll hold onto for the rest of my life. My dad got it for me on my 16th birthday a year and a half ago. That was probably the best birthday I’ve ever had.

I got in and shut the door, starting the car. I looked around, making sure it was safe to go. Slightly to my left, a little ways across the parking lot, I spotted Chris leaning against his girlfriend's car, his hands in his pockets. She was leaned up against him, talking about something I obviously couldn’t hear. 

She’s so pretty, I thought to myself. I’ve always admired her, always been jealous of her since the 4th grade. She’s so lucky to have a guy like Chris. She deserved him. He deserved her. I blinked slowly, realizing I was staring at them. She kissed him and walked around to the driver side of her car. He walked to the passenger side and they both got in, pulling out of the parking lot. I leaned back in my seat. I wonder what he needed earlier. I honestly forgot about it, even though the situation made me very uncomfortable. I hope he didn't think anything bad of me. I mean, why was he standing there just looking at me. Why didn’t he talk? What if he wanted something from me? What would he want? I have nothing to offer so why would Chris Sturniolo be at my desk? I put my head down, rubbing my eyes with my fingers, for what felt like the 10th time today. I lifted my head and drove out of the parking lot, going in the direction of my home.

You have more important things to worry about, Y/n. Get home and get ready for work. But, I still thought about those blue eyes looking into mine all the way home. 

#chris sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #chris x y/n #chris x reader #chris sturniolo smut #chris smut #chris sturniolo fanfic #chris sturniolo fluff #matt sturniolo x you #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #matthew sturniolo #nick sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #nicolas sturnio #sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo smut #sturniolo x reader #slow burn #matt stuniolo fanfic

[black-rose-writings]

It's funny but also sad, how Clone Wars, a kids cartoon, managed to be more mature, have more depth of character, more moral depth and understand and show the horrors of war and the crushing pressure of being seen as the salvation of the world(/Galaxy) better than the Grishaverse, a YA series, also starring a teen female protagonist pushed facing a massive war and a chosen one (granted, CW had them as two different characters, but the point still stands).

#clone wars #shadow and bone #grishaverse #anti leigh bardugo #i guess #also atla #2000s kids cartoons were just bangers in general #I don't mean to sound like a boomer #but honestly #can you look at the quality of writing we get today and say it wasn't better in the early 2000s? #that shit holds up no matter how many times you watch it #modern media crumbles on the first watch if you forget to turn off your brain #like sure there were some plotholes and cringe #but i prefer cringe to the braindead low-effort entertainment meant for audience that has had their brain fried by tiktok #and can only understand things that are right in front of them #no hate to anyone who enjoys it #but be honest with yourself

[murobrown]

.

#let me vent here real quick #bachelorette/bachelor parties are one of the most stupid concepts we ever created #it's disgusting and humiliating to me #if I'd have a person who loves me enough that they decide that they want to spend the rest of their life with me it's like an ultimate win #i mean what more do you want to achieve in life? isn't that like a main goal? #I don't even mean marriage that's useless but just that safe warm loving feeling #and then you gather all your friends and you're going to look at it as game over????? #so anyway I should attempt a stupid bachelorette party this weekend and it's useless and incredibly expensive #and it's full of activities that are totally outside of my comfort zone like drinking and dancing and being half naked in a spa #and you have to wear some dumb accessories so that you also humiliate yourself in front of everyone #and first I thought will be able to handle it but yesterday I panicked and asked if I can be excused from all those activities #and people don't understand that my concept of fun is different from theirs #and i don't mean this in any negative way towards those people #it's just different for me and I'd love you to understand that #but... it's also not nice from me to ditch them last minute and let down my friend that's getting married #but yesterday I just had this moment when I thought fuck no I'm going to think about myself for once and it's just not right #because then you make people upset... #the actual wedding is another thing I dread...it will be an actual nightmare and there's no way I will ever escape it #so yeah I'm just full of emotions and I don't know what's the right thing to do and how to keep others happy and myself calm #at least last night I dreamt about Jake Bugg hugging me and if that's not the sign I'm going spend the rest of my life with that man... #i also decided to survive both of those events sober just to make it more challenging for myself #alcohol has way too many calories and i just want stay in control of my brain #i will see if the only three friends i have will resent me after this #i needed to sort my thoughts here even though I know ot doesn't look like so #i hope that you all are having a wonderful day and doing fantastic ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[thedisablednaturalist]

Unfortunately all chatgpt is good for is interview/job application stuff which I think says a lot about the hiring process as a whole

#wrenfea.exe #as an actual artifical intelligence? no its horrible bc it really ISNT one #its a writing synthesizer it generates writing based on data searches and boundaries from training #thats what a neural network is its a very convoluted input-output sequence #it has no capacity to understand the meaning behind what it generates #it is simply generating the specific things that the user is looking for #the job interview process has become so robotic and automized that ai fits in perfectly #but employers HATE that people are turning to chatgpt for cover letters and interview answers #so it was fair for them to use filtering programs to accept/deny applications before it got in front of an actual human being #and its ok for them to use ai and pre-written formats to make job announcements descriptions and interview questions #but god forbid we are forced to use those exact same tools to get a humans attention so we can get a job and not starve #pushing aside the whole copyright debate on chatgpt and the environmental impact of its power usage btw #im soley analyzing how its become commonly utilized on both sides #by interviewer and interviewed #the mechanization of the whole process is now on both sides #it just seems very inhuman.. #its also how some people have figured out how to somehow become employed multiple times by the same company due to lack of human oversight #and how automated theyve made their hiring process #probably should have made these tags into a separate reblog oops #also disclaimer do not cut and paste right into your application materials bc chatgpt often just lies #also many places now can tell you used chatgpt due to how similar its answers are #i only use it to make a template and see how things can be phrased to be more professional and buzzwordy #id never use it for something actually creative #and dear god do not write academic essays with it #i tried using it to supplement my own cover letter template but it was too robotic even for a cover letter #it is very good at accessing and summarizing publically available information #thats all it does not make sure the information is true or good

[butch-chastity]

augh not to vent on main but

#i just feel like no one actually listens to me. i feel like i have to say things 15 times just for someone to even realize im not joking #about something and then like. what im actually saying doesnt come across. like idk if its a reading/listening comprehension thing bc #it feels like i can say smth as simple as 'i dont like xyz' and people will just ignore me and talk about how much they love xyz right in #front of me bc i brought it up and the context or what i was trying to say doesnt matter. and i dont know if people can understand me just #fine and dont care enough to actually respond in a meaningful way bc its just. whatever to them. out of sight or something they cant feel. #idk. im in a lot of pain rn cause i just had a surgery and trying to talk about how i feel in front of people only to have them blow me off #sucks a lot. and also I really really hurt #tw vent #talking tag

[minarcana]

Can Not stop thinking about urianger being fucked up over visions of the world ending and the wol dying for a solid Bit after getting tossed to the crystarium. im going to eat a brick.

#hes already fucked up over the body count the scions are very rapidly amassing #and he views the wol as a close friend!! theyre very important to him #and uri too falls under the assumption that 'oh theyre the wol they cant possibly die theyve overcome so much' #he feels that with almost all of his friends but the most for the wol #so to be suddenly put in a moment of deep concern for the world then torn from your body and shown The Worst Possible Future- #not only is the world ending but you watch it end and you watch as the last bastion of your hope the person you assumed could and would neve #r truly die-- does die. undoubtedly and viscerally and in front of you #as you are once again (if you are not always!) powerless to help them because All You Can Do Is Ever Observe #i also imagine it was like the wols vision of the oracle. where they know theyre being watched #and they can turn to face uri right before they fall. :) and die :) and the world descends into the eigth calamity #the death of the worlds pillar and then the world itself as every constant is suddenly torn into jarring disarray #and uri lands in the crystarium and he is crying but doesnt understand why or how #(it is fear it is loss it is the terror of the inevitable) #he has been given the visions he always read about and now he feels personally the grandiose scope of prophecy and how heavily it weighs #and how he Has To get the words out right but how is he supposed to communicate exactly the weight of it!! how is he supposed to say all the #se things when he cant easily parse the impact of it all he cant figure out how to communicate the burning of it #and he understands a bit better that the prophecies he scoured over must have hurt and weighed and frightened and how #its not the same any more even the long gone ones #aaaaaAAAAAAAA #im going to EAT A BRICK #me chewing on gravel this elf loves his friends and the world and the wol so much and he cares but he doesnt KNOW HOW #I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AND THE FEELINGS ARE AAAAAAAAAAAURGH #I TOLD MYSELF I WAS GOING TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS BUT IM GOING TO EAT TWELVE BRICKS

[dredshirtroberts]

hey guess what my car trauma includes the *inside* of the car too apparently! :D :| idk i feel like getting made fun of for having to eat fast food in my car between work and school while my catalytic converter shat itself to the point that my back seat footwells were filled completely with various QSR trash maybe gave me some sort of complex. Just a hunch though, who knows.

#i fucking despise my father today #perhaps instead of making fun of people who are exhibiting signs of struggle we find out what their struggle is #and help them out with it might be a more 'christian' thing to do Dad #but that would also require me to be a people to him and for anyone's struggles to be categorized by HIM as struggling #and his criteria is *narrow* on that front #god i hate this man so much right now i am just furious #yes there was a (only sort of) related incident that set me off on this - no it's not important or actually relevant #because i live with *nice* people now who understand that folks be going through some shit and also are willing to help when they can #but also my anxiety spiked so hard and fast my body only registered it as anger and i ended up snapping at my partner for no good reason #and i'm frustrated and embarrassed and sad about that even though we just talked it out and it's okay i think #because like...they didn't need that. they don't need to deal with all of this nonsense - neither partner nor meta do #and the fact that things like this happen on a semi-regular basis makes me so.... #well frustrated embarrassed and sad #and angry but i try to direct that where it's actually meant to go and not at myself as much because a lot of the things i do #are coping mechanisms and behavior patterns that i no longer need to keep me safe #but i don't have as many backup options as I had previously thought and it's hard to reach for new ones when i'm In A State #so we're just...handling it. It's fine. I'm fine. #i do hate my father though

[leoxxii]

do you think maximus accidently "overheard" a bunch of shit purely bc he pretended to not know sign language for like 10 years. like there has to be things bolt signed to medusa bc he thought nobody else in the room would understand anyways. there has to be SOME things medusa didn't translate bc it was just him venting or cursing right. what secrets does maximus have??

#like. bolt tells medusa someone has a shitty outfit and maximus is just sitting watching them like 👀 #they try to surprise maximus but it NEVER works and they cant figure out why #lets ignore the moral implications of maximus pretending to not be able to converse properly w his own brother for a little bit #bc i think there could be a few fun scenarios to play around with #i def like how in the comics maximus can understand him just as well as medusa and doesnt like. hide that. #i guess he also can read minds in the comics i suppose that helps #i just think black bolt and medusa shit talking while maximus has to pretend to not understand them to be very very funny #OH WE CAN MAKE IT SAD. THEY TALK POORLY ABOUT MAXIMUS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. OH SHIT WE CAN MAKE IT SAD #SO MUCH to do with this show's poorly thought out canon #KABSKABDH #but anyways. WHY is sign language not like a necessary thing to learn in attilan. why does NOBODY know sign #surely that should be taught in schools if their king STRICTLY communicates in sign?? #why do none of the other royals know sign? karnak gorgon crystal and triton NEVER try to learn it?? #like.thats weird right? even if its so the audience can understand bolt. which is why a lot of dialogue between him and others is kinda off #the implications that NOBODY in his family except medusa and maximus even ATTEMPTS to learn his only means of communication #is just p weird!! why wouldnt they?? you can still have that weirdish dialogue that he has when hes alone w medusa or max #throughout the entire series #instead of. abso fucking lutely NOBODY of these 1400 people except TWO ever learned any sign #sorry ive gotten off topic here the world building fascinates and confuses me !!! im obsessed with dissecting this bug of a show !!!! #inhumans #marvel #maximus boltagon #blackagar boltagon #medusalith amaquelin

[eggmeralda]

late spring true love by sadness is genuinely the song ever in all of history. ik I say that about every song I like but there is something about this one...

#okay basically do you get random vibes that you can't tell if they're memories or you saw them in a dream or saw them on tv as a kid #but they give the strongest feelings ever and it's so annoying bc you don't know where it came from but you've felt them for years #like are they memories of a past life are they memories from when your brain wasn't developed enough to actually remember #are they pre-memories that will gradually get clearer the closer you get to death and eventually it'll all make sense the day you die #anyway. certain songs trigger these ''memories'' more than others #and this song is so intense it feels like the memories are right in front of me fully clear like a painting in a gallery with a description #but the description is in a language i can't speak and maybe someone else can speak it but I'm the only one who's ever seen the #painting and it's too abstract to describe to anyone else so I'm the only one who can try and work out what the description says #and the painting is almost mocking me bc it literally has the answer to where these memories came from but i just can't understand it #yeah that's how this song feels #i haven't even known it for a month yet but i have so many things to say about it #ramble

[observethewalrus]

love the emotional whiplash i feel whenever i spend more than an hour with my parents

#this weekend had everything from arguing to laughing to screaming to crying #sad crying and angry crying #mom telling me it breaks her heart that i'm 'never happy' while once again blaming it on me caring about politics and social issues #and just other people in general #and me needing to stop myself from going on a rant about how mental illness actually works #and that i do have things that make me happy #AND THAT SHE'S THE ONE WHO SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE TELLING ME LIFE ISNT FAIR AND LOVE ISNT REAL AND YOU'RE LUCKY IF YOU'RE NOT MISERABLE #she tells me i'm so full of anger like bitch you fly off the handle and lash out at anyone in a five mile radius at any minor inconvenience #i talk all the time about the things that make me happy but she thinks they're stupid and immature so she writes them off #she doesn't understand that if i measure happiness on some grand scale like major life changing things #then of course i'll never be happy #because i can't sit and wait around for a wife or a house or the perfect job #none of those things are guaranteed so i need to find ways to be happy with smaller things and i do #she tells me i'm not happy when ten years ago i didn't even plan to be alive this long #but i can't say she's undermining all the work i've done over the years because she has no idea i've done anything #she says people don't ever change so she measures happiness and progress by external things only #she doesn't understand how much i've changed #i can't really blame her even tho i feel like she's refusing to see something that's right in front of her #but at the same time i'm resentful that she can never see me as a fully fleshed out person #because she insists on seeing me as an extension of herself and her own unhappiness #this started as an angry post and turned into all the things i wish i could say to her but can't cuz she'll just disagree #and insist the things that are important to me don't matter and that i'm doing life all wrong #personal