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Part of really growing is not only recognizing issues but knowing where they stem from.

After a conversation with my therapist about intimacy and some struggles that I have. We took a deep look back to the beginning.

My first relationship was like so many peoples. Pure infatuation, we were *in love* and it was the strongest feeling in the world. So strong that you over look at the red flags. Weeks in they were controlling everything I did, they would follow me around school, sneak into my classes, call me the second he got home and be on the phone with me until I went to bed.. rinse and repeat. And at the time *at 15* I thought my goodness this boy loves me. So when he started telling me I couldn’t hang out with my friends anymore because they were trying to steal me away.. I didn’t bat an eye I thought maybe he’s right. They certainly didn’t seem to like him.

So I was isolated and completely wrapped up in this boy. So when things got physical he was my everything and I’d do anything to make him happy. He wasnt gentle but I was his first and thought it will get better as we go. He got really pushy with what he wanted and didn’t really listen to my being hesitant. I found out early on I was more of a giver than a receiver, but he kept begging me to let him try and guilting me when I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to go down on me. But I gave in and I let him when I wasn’t ready nor comfortable. That was a weird pattern of me letting my boundaries be pushed aside. I remember one day sitting in the quad around all of our friends him saying out loud *get yourself a girl like Jessie no gag reflex makes the sounds so much better* I was horrified and yet I stayed. He was just playing around and they were our friends.. right? But it wasn’t until he went down and I asked him to stop that things got confusing. He didn’t stop just held me down and kept going, and that was the beginning. That is where my anxiety around someone going down on me my anxiety around anything but giving grew. It kept happening he’d go down I’d say stop and he’d not stop until I made the right noise the right face to satisfy him. Like so many things in that relationship I let it go on far too long.

And even after he was long gone that anxiety stayed. Anytime a partner wanted to I would get anxious and shut down at the idea that I’d say stop and they wouldn’t. While never giving them the chance to do so.

And while now as an adult I don’t mind that being a part of intimacy I don’t engage in, I hate that it’s not because I don’t enjoy it, it’s because it gives me anxiety. that isn’t great.. that is something I should work on.. learning that one bad experience doesn’t have to ruin everything

Interesting post therapy thought I suppose.

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I don’t think there is anything worse than someone from your past showing back up in your life simply to tell you how terrible you were.

I’ve never been perfect and I know I’ve caused some hurt but I’ve grown enough to know that I wasn’t the bad guy. I was young and dumb and the relationship couldn’t withstand a tragedy.. no one was the bad guy. But at the end of the day I know this person just needs someone to blame… years later, years with out any contact and I’m still the reason their life has gone to hell.

To my first love, the one who shaped me, the one who broke me, the one to whom all others are measured. I truly am sorry. I loved you then, and I love you now and I wish you peace.

#Spotify

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The days tick on and nothing changes.

They say Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

And I think they have a point.

Everyday I face the monotony that is my life, the daily struggle to not cry myself to sleep or run for the hills. Everyday I’m told I’m not trying enough, I’m not doing enough, and I feel it.

There is a constant tearing at my soul, no matter how hard I try and more on no matter for much I try to do, my heart refuses forgiveness. But where does that leave me? Every fiber of my being says to run. That once someone has betrayed you hey have shown you their true self. Once someone has cheated you need no more information. And yet here I am, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

I’m stuck in the struggle, stuck in the loneliness, stuck in my brain. Just stuck and getting more sad by the day. Someone told me recently that I should just write out my feelings. Reminded me the writing has always defused my brain. But there are so many reasons I don’t do this anymore.

1. because my thoughts are so random and disjointed that I don’t think anyone can follow or relate to it.

2. and this one is key: it’s not safe for me to journal or get my thoughts out. When you are with a jealous person they snoop, and I don’t think I could handle that right now.

I don’t know anymore, I’ve completely lost sight of who I am and what I want in life. I’m sad all the time and something really needs to change.

#blog #inner thoughts #i’m fine

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To many, many, many more pirate ships to come

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“If his design has wings then why isn’t he using them?”

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I still do love this drawing a lot 

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Branching off from this post to do an all Xisuma collection.

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Mono color sketches have always been one of my favorite art styles. So beautiful

Ok so this is like uhhh, a mono-color per-sketch thing (one color but using different tones of said color), it’s messy on purpose. It took really long and I’m really happy to get done with it ;-;

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I drew Prowl and Jessieb today. Prowls ear is all sorts of wonky, but I spent a half hour on that ear before I gave up, xP

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A pretty TB gal for the soul

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STREAM DAY TIME!!!

It’s too hot to go outside (well, in this hemisphere! And I’m guessing the weather ain’t so great on the other side of the world, either!) so we’ve declared August a two stream weekend kind of time, one at the start, one at the end!

First one is the 8th and 9th!

We’ll see you there!!

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testing new brushes feat. some hermit ladies

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Some requests from Insta!

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Jessie: [Eating a cinnamon roll]

foxy: Cannibalism

Jessie: [confused, distressed chewing]

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Daphne: What’s the first thing you notice when a man approaches you?

Jessie: The audacity.

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Peter ‘woah woah woah’ Kavinsky

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Taken with instagram