#and before anyone asks. my relationship with my ocd used to be way worse. now its mostly just. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jen-co · 2 years

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How did you go about getting your autism diagnosis? What were key signs that were missed when younger did you think?

I went to a new psychologist about 2 years ago after having a couple of really bad experiences with 2 other psychologists over the years. They basically made me feel untreatable because my anxiety wasn't responding to their standard therapies and one said she "didn't want to waste my money anymore". Neither of them referred me to anyone else. It confused and upset me so I just gave up on psychology for a cpuple of years.

My issues of course didn't improve and were worsening, so my GP referred me to my current psychologist. It all started out the same as before, I wasn't responding to treatment and she said we need a different direction. She asked if anyone did any assessments on me as an adult, I said no. She asked if it'd be okay to focus on that for the next few sessions because she's not sure if my OCD and GAD diagnoses I received at 10 years old were able to describe all of my symptoms.

First she did the personality inventory and that apparently came up in a bizarre way that's not usually seen. I scored high in way too many areas that couldn't possibly be used to formulate a diagnosis that made any sense. I didn't score in a way that would indicate a personality disorder, it was more in the realm of things that would suggest ADHD, schizoid and other things that didn't make much sense at the time. And of course major anxiety/OCD which was expected.

Anyway, I had crisis after crisis - with the pregnancy, and just my own persistently high distress in general. So that distracted from the assessnents for ages. But we eventually got back to them.

So I did a whole bunch of assessments on paper, an in-person IQ test and various other things. By that point, she was already pretty sure she was going to diagnose me with autism because she got to know me better, with all the struggles I was seeing her for. It wasn't a surprise that I scored high in the ASD assessments but the final diagnoses and the level of ASD she diagnosed me with was a bit of a shock.

My IQ test was overall fairly average, and oh my gosh I was so tired when I did that (but I always am) and answers to some of the questions came to me when I was driving home, haha. Although it was average, it was highly variable, so I have areas where I'm very above average and areas where I'm below average, and that supported the diagnosis as well. I have above average perceptual reasoning (visualising how pieces in a picture would fit together to make an object, copying patterns with blocks etc), working memory (like repeating strings of numbers that are spoken), and I had a stupidly low processing speed, haha.

I was diagnosed with ASD level 2 without language impairment and inattentive ADHD (and I have comorbid OCD, anxiety, PTSD).

I didn't understand much about ADHD and I have such debilitating fatigue that I didn't ever consider it, because I was pretty ignorant about it and pictured young kids who don't sit still, not really thinking that it's more about what the brain is doing.

In terms of the autism, being able to mask level 2 ASD which is a significant level of disability, has been.... hard. It may be why I have continuous fatigue/dizziness/brain fog/derealisation as well. I now realise that my worst periods of OCD/anxiety were actually in response to having autism and not being able to understand myself, my life, my body, my relationships etc, which caused extreme overwhelm and burn out.

Masking is way easier when you don't have language impairment. But I still have verbal issues that got worse over time like stuttering, saying words back to front, vocal tics etc. I would heavily edit my youtube videos because I will just forget what I'm talking about mid sentence. But there were sooo many signs that people didn't notice, since childhood. I never wanted to play with other children. I had repetitive behaviours and compulsions, I had anxiety and didn't understand what was going on even in kinder (age 3), I was bullied from prep until I left school at 12, I couldn't read an analogue clock until I was about 11 because it just looked like jumbled up shapes that I didn't understand, I didn't understand what the teacher was asking us to do and would look at what everyone else was doing to copy it. I remember being in prep (age 4), all the kids just jump up and start getting coloured pencils. It startled me, why was that happening? What's going on? The teacher must have explained what was going to happen and it went over my head... stuff like that happened a lot. I had a lot of skin picking issues and I would do this thing when I got really excited or angry, which I still do. It's in the realm of rocking bit more like jerking forward in a chair or jumping up in a standing position and it's like I don't even plan or decide I'm going to do that. I do this weird quiet thing with my throat that only intimate partners would notice, which I've done since childhood. Basically a lot of stimming but mostly in private, or in public I just rub my nail almost continuously, and my nail looks screwed haha. I have meltdowns after social events where I spiral, cry, suddenly get really obsessive over a completely unrelated topic. I hold my body in weird tense postures. I've always needed a lot of alone time. I would always get home from school and shut the curtains and close the door to be alone in the dark. Oh and I sucked my thumb until I was 11 or 12. I don't know, there are so many random things. I have... what's it called? Inappropriate affect? Like I sometimes laugh when discussing past trauma/assaults, smile when I feel terrible, etc. I tend to be very monotone but I make big effort to sound more lively but find it exhausting. People on youtube used to say I talk too slowly and don't move my teeth when I talk? I look at people's mouth to gauge emotion, I get zero information from their eyes unless they're doing something really noticeable with their eyebrows. I didn't make eye contact as a baby and pushed my mum away when she tried to hug me. I refused to eat meat because it didn't seem like food to me. I shiver if I touch fruit, wood or cardboard like a physical reaction of disgust. Wooden utensils and paper straws are a no-go for me. I'm highly sensitive to touch and normal pressure causes me pain in certain areas. Sensitive to noises, smells etc. I don't cope well with change to routine or life changes. I can't keep up with friendships. The list could go on and on and I should be asleep 😂

The most significant thing is the distress. My levels of distress are off the charts and I knew I was more anxious than a lot of people but I didn't quite realise exactly how much compared to other people. I never thought that was autism. I was told I have a bunch of common anxiety disorders so I just identified with that and believed that's all there was to it, and I must just be too dramatic because even people with run of the mill anxiety disorders don't seem this bad. I've been through things I don't talk about or have only hinted about. Yeah I showed up to work and appeared as a human being over the last 10 years but really, I was non functional and surviving with substances for the last few years.

The autism also explains why I was bullied so much and why I was vulnerable to abuse like in my ex marriage. I didn't understand what was normal in a relationship and he took advantage of that and eventually realised he could verbally abuse me and hit me with no consequences other than me crying or arguing with him. But all his bills still got paid so it didn't matter. I still questioned whether the abuse was my fault, even up until last year. That guilt was released when someone came forward to me, who was with him after me, and told me he was abusing her as well. That made me really sad, but it was also kind of... validating. I felt bad that I could have prevented it from happening to another wonan and I feel so bad for his kid. I wouldn't repeat what was said but yeah, it made me cry for his kid, that's for sure.

Woah went way off on a tangent there. I do that. My psych report says I'm tangential haha. But I linked to my tumblr so I could vent and rant soooo, here I am doing that.

I thought these questions were from my husband for a second because I sent it to him and said ask me dumb stuff to entertain me, but the questions are a) not dumb or silly, b) use names that I've never referred to anyone as to him 😂

Anyway... ummmm I'll end this rant here? lol

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mental-health-advice · 2 years

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Hi! I am not diagnosed but I have been positive I have pocd for a long time now and I really need ur help

I’m not attracted to children in any way, I find the thought utterly vile that anyone would want to do that do a child.

A thought came to my head the other day that when I was around 13 I read a nsfw fanfiction about 8 year olds

As a 13 year old I only read it because it was smut and I was only just discovering about the sexual world, I’ve had a really hard few days trying to convince myself that I’m okay

Do u have any tips? Thank you!:)

Well shit my pocd's acting up yet again. I felt attracted to an underage anime character for a couple of seconds and now I'm yet again googling things to see if I'm an ephebophile and having a panic attack. The attraction might just be a bout of pgad. But I feel like I'm just making excuses bc I don't want to be a predator. Am I really suffering from pocd or am I actually an MAP?

Hi,, okay this is that same 16 yo with POCD, and now that I’ve got my thoughts in order I feel I can ask questions in a better way.

- I developed POCD in June, in truth before then I’d experienced these thoughts before, like once or twice, however had brushed them off cause ‘no way, that’s not who I am obviously, ew that was random.’ They only reappeared when I saw a child and had an insanely strong gronial response - causing me to panic and be unable to eat for like a week, vomit and feel depressed before I did research.

- Since then it’s gone and returned - usually worse cause Ik more and my brain asks more questions. As of rn I’d say im ending this current phase. The thoughts no longer freak me out - in truth I no longer really get them. My main current worry are gronial responses. I’ve never really experienced sexual or romantic attraction, however as soon as I think of my pocd (which is like all of the time) I instantly get a gronial response. They last for ages - it’s awful. I’m now worried that this is just sexual attraction and that this is beyond my control - even though I never really have sexual thoughts anymore? They also usually make an appearance whenever I see a child or anything related to them. Like automatically, usually accompanied by a quick thought just to scare me more. This sucks and I hate it. Before POCD I used to really enjoy reading romantic novels - now I can’t cause I constantly monitor my reactions to them and freak when I don’t feel aroused by then anymore. I want to experience sexual attraction with someone I want to be with, and I wanted my first crush/relationship to be special however Ik that attraction can’t be forced. Now I panic constantly and worry that that crush will never appear cause what if I’m just in denial. I freak out when I look back at how my POCD started cause what if that was an awakening or sm?? This makes me depressed and numb - and doesn’t go away as I constantly preform compulsions, like research, scrolling on forums or ruminating (which is all the time-) This is quite distressing to reach out about, and through I am seeing a therapist idk what she‘d say about all of this, ik That you guys have had POCD asks before so I wanted to reach out. I’m very sorry about how long my previous asks have been - it’s annoying and I’m repeating myself, I’m just in a bad place rn and feel the need to share my honest feelings somewhere. I wish I could go back but Ik this isn’t possible. Any tips/good advice? This’ll be the last ask I send - yet again I am so sorry.

i deal with near constant groinal responses. not even just around the focus of my obsessions, but everyone. someone touches me? groinal response. someone looks at me? groinal response. i hear a loud noise? groinal response. i feel horrible and they're all completely unwanted. i don't think it's pgad, just ocd, so i'm wondering if you have any tips for dealing with them? i try not to focus on them, but i guess the more i try not to focus on them the more attention i'm putting on them, which leads to more responses 😭 i plan on seeing a professional soon, but i'm worried they won't understand, especially since the responses aren't really even caused by thoughts anymore. they're automatic.

Hello there,

I'm sorry that you're going through so much distress. I can hear a lot of anxiety, confusion and fear in what you're saying. I realised I answered a message from you yesterday without the whole story, or all the thoughts surrounding the issue. I've put your few messages together to make one big reply to, to make everything easier to access. There's a few things that need addressing here, so I'll try break it into chunks.

Firstly, thank you for being brave enough to reach out when you need help for something that feels so scary. You've done a really great thing! It seems that no matter the underlying cause of the arousal, you are experiencing extreme distress over it. And you know what can exacerbate or cause arousal of the genitals? Anxiety, fear, the flight/fight response. So every time you're feeling arousal now, you're panicking, which can lead to actually experiencing more arousal. What would be a really good start is when you feel that sensation, use some calming techniques. Take a moment to close your eyes, and do some slow, deep breaths. Allow your body and your fight/flight system to slow down. It may help to imagine something nice and relaxing as you close your eyes and do this breathing - maybe a beautiful location you've been to before that makes you feel safe and relaxed.

Now, you've said that those thoughts aren't you. They're intrusive and obsessive thoughts, which can be scary. Try to remind yourself of this. Try to see those thoughts as a separate thing - like a scared friend that's jumping up in fright and yelling "I'm scared, I think I feel this! This is wrong!". What would you say to this friend? Can you try say these things to yourself. This is the way that I address my inner anxiety sometimes. I treat it like a friend. I tell them it's okay, I'm here for them, that they're panicked right now but we're going to work through that together. Maybe find a distraction or even literally give myself a hug! It's okay to do these things, to soothe yourself and help keep in control of the anxiety.

As for the specific examples you've given, there could be a few reasons why you're experiencing these kinds of responses. I just want to note first that I'm not a medical professional, and can't give advice that would substitute theirs. So the first situation, you were 13 and reading NSFW fan fiction. There's a few things that stick out to me here. Firstly, you were 13 and there's a lot of changes going on in your hormones at that point, and arousal can happen even spontaneously for some people going through puberty. You were reading a NSFW fan fiction, and this was your first exposure to sexual content. Arousal would be a normal response in this situation. I know you've said the fan fiction involved a child, but it is possible that your reaction had nothing to do with that, and everything to do with hormones, and reading sexual stories. The second situation was a brief feeling of arousal at an underaged anime character. Now, don't get me wrong, there's some great things about the anime world, but there's also some really yuck things about it. One of these things is that artists specifically sexualise young characters, children characters. Did this character have sexualised features? If the answer is yes, which I feel it likely is, then your reaction was likely to those sexualised features and not to the fact it was a young teen.

I want to tell you a very personal story that I don't think I've ever shared with anyone. It very much ties into the body experiencing and confusion flight/fight arousal and sexual arousal. Just a trigger warning that this paragraph will mention sexual abuse. If that's too triggering, please do skip to the next paragraph. I experienced abuse as a child, and one day I was watching a movie with my husband and a graphic scene came on of sexual abuse that was extremely similar to something I experienced. The way my body responded was what I thought was sexual arousal. After it happened, I had a terrible guilt in my stomach, like how could I ever get aroused from seeing something so horrible, something I really tore my own life apart? I also went on a googling trip that night, because I felt sick to my stomach and was bawling my eyes out. As I read, I found other people who had very similar experiences (in this case, people who had been abused getting aroused by seeing scenes of that abuse). So I started to read why that would happen. What I came across was: it's normal for people to be aroused during sexual events that they did not want to happen, and that sexual arousal is a response driven by our fight/flight system. Another word for an activated flight/fight system is arousal. When you experience that fear, your body becomes aroused (ready to run or fight). This can include blood rushing to the genitals. So what I experienced was actually a natural fear response from my body, that my mind then interpreted as something very wrong. Now, I can't say for sure what you are experiencing, but seeing as these seem to be very intrusive thoughts, it could be possible that the intrusive thought triggers fight/flight (arousal), which your brain then interprets as sexual feelings, rather than bodily arousal as a response to distressing thoughts. This seems especially true to me given that you no longer experience what you thought was attraction, but you do experience this response every time you think of those intrusive thoughts. When this happens, go back to what we discussed above - calming your brain and your body down, letting the bodily arousal relax and the stress melt away. You may find that by calming your body in these moments, that feeling of arousal will fade.

Again, I'm not a medical professional, so I unfortunately can't give you an answer as to what exactly you are experiencing. It certainly sounds like you are experiencing a lot of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. You also have said multiple times that you might be experiencing PGAD, which is a medical condition of persistent, unwanted and often unprompted arousal of the genitals. These could all be true - but the only way you will know is if you seek the help of a professional. I know that this sounds very scary, especially given how scared the topic makes you. But if you can, I really recommend reaching out to an adult that you trust. We have a page on getting help here that shows the different people you can reach out to. If you don't know how to start, you could try writing down what you want to speak about, or start out by saying "I am experiencing intrusive thoughts and they are causing me anxiety". You deserve to get some support through this. I do think that seeing a therapist would be a really good idea for you. It will help you to work through the confusion of it all, and also build up some tools to help cope with the activation of your fight/flight system.

I really hope that this offers your some insight and some tools to help. Don't be sorry for reaching out, it was a really brave thing to do. We're always here if you need more help too.

Sending positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#pocd #intrustive thoughts #mhaalexandria #mental health advice #advice #advice blog #ocd #pgad

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misskittysmagicportal · 3 years

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can i request something to do with the thing about vincent having tics while giving oral or just vincent giving oral general i love the way you write things

I Think We're Alone Now

(Vincent Rhodes x Fem!Reader)

Warnings: language, talk of mental health, fem!receiving oral

A/N: With the pandemic keeping you and Vincent apart, he was glad that being alone didn't mean being lonely.

Vincent Rhodes didn't tic as bad or as much in his thirties. He wasn't cured. He didn't take medicine that made them magically go away. He took meds for his anxiety, and the “cure” was still going to therapy with Dr Rose. He didn't go daily or weekly or even monthly anymore. He managed every other month. Sometimes, perhaps, every three to four months. Yet it took twenty-five to finally accept a cliche: Tourette's wasn't Vincent, Vincent simply HAD Tourette's.

Don't worry though, cunt is still his favorite word.

Vincent also did all the things he told Marie he wanted to do. He finished school and went to college online. He found himself rather good at computers and a job that required the bare minimum of human interaction. His Tourette's was under control, but his social anxiety never seemed to be. We digress!

He had a job, and a place to call home that wasn't a treatment facility or a hoarder’s house bogged down by sadness and alcoholism. Vincent didn't find it shameful that his father bought him a condo. He and his roommate had an agreement to pay utilities and work on the re-election campaign.

Vincent finally had a dog. A dog he had to fight for because his roommate had.. Rituals. Rituals that also weren't as bad as they used to be thanks to the same therapy and right medication. Just like you can't get rid of Tourette's, Vincent couldn't get rid of Alex either. That was his first, and really only, friend. As tumultuous as they started out, if you survive a road trip with two neurodivergents, you're pretty much bonded for life. Alex was sometimes more work than their dog.

Vincent and Alex did things in their late twenties and early thirties they never thought they'd do. They went out. They dated around. They had awkward sex and one night stands that the two of them could finally laugh about. Vincent could hide, or save his tics from popping up during his dates. He could even manage to hold them off when he had sex. He was relaxed and focused on the woman beneath or above him.

But then he would spasm, or twist and pop his mouth. He would unintentionally squeal or swear, call her names or flip her off. Instead of understanding Vincent, or talking to him, whoever the girl of the moment was would leave and never come back. Fuck her, Vincent would think. I can't help that I have Tourette’s; she can help being an asshole.

-----

There could not have been a worse time in anyone’s life for you to meet quite possibly the single hottest guy in your neighborhood. At least, you thought he was in your neighborhood. You kept running into each other at various stores to the point you found yourself quoting an old movie from college.

“Are you stalking me?” You boldly questioned him one afternoon as he pondered Mcintosh versus Fiji apples. “Because that would be super.”

The man jumped. Then to your shock, he spasmed almost violently. His neck twisted to the left as his hand held on to his chin and yelled out, “Brown haired cunt! Grass licking big tits.”

You laughed. It wasn't malicious or in jest. You were nervous and stunned. Still you replied, “Normally a guy has to date me for a while before he calls me a cunt. Now as for grass licking? That was only once, but I was high and we were playing truth or dare.”

He stared at you, mouth agape. A violent spasm rocked his body again like an aftershock. It caused him to excessively blow a dark curl back from his forehead several times before his body relaxed and he appeared to sink in on himself. Embarrassed. A pink hue spread along his cheeks and angled jaw as he gazed at the apples again with large green eyes.

“You ok? I wouldn't say I've got big tits. They're more like medium sized. Unless you were talking about the melons.” You held up two cantaloupe in front of your chest. “I’m y/n”

Again with the mouth open staring. Then he came to, “Vincent. I've never had someone react to Arthur that way.”

“I'm from New York. That was a Saturday night in the village. Who’s Arthur?” You looked around. “Are you being held hostage? Scream cunt for yes. Vagina for no.”

Vincent laughed. It was almost a giggle that you weren't sure was a laugh or his thing. “Arthur is my Tourette's. He's the clown who shits in between my thoughts. My tics. You scared the piss out of him.”

“You named your Tourette's? You can't do that, they never go away once you name them.”

Vincent rolled his eyes, “ DAMMIT! I'll take away his bowl of food and dog bed too. Maybe I'll finally be cured!”

You didn't want him to think you felt something was wrong with him. “Mostly with all of this, I meant I keep seeing you around. Thought I'd say hi.”

“How about we exchange phone numbers, and you can say hello more often?” Vincent cocked an eyebrow.

“Bold of you to assume calling me a cunt is flirting! But you got it out of the way now instead of down the line. Give me your phone.”

He obliged and you put your number in. As you handed it back you joked, “Should've told me you had a much sexier friend.” You indicated Alex on the phone’s wallpaper.

“He's gay.”

“Damn! Lucky for men. Anyways, I work most days. Don't know how long with everything happening out there. Call me sometime?”

Vincent twitched and wolf whistled. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose, but promised he would nonetheless. But then pandemic happened, so all you had for the next six months was your phone

-----

You met Alex and learned his rituals and empathized with his panic to follow or abide by heath guidance. His OCD aggravated by everything going on. Vincent couldn't even go for a run without his friend completely freaking out, so he just didn't. Their balcony was it for fresh air.

You took tours of each other's apartments. Had dinners and breakfasts together. Shared what books you were reading and watched movies together. Vincent teased you about your fat, lazy cat and you did likewise over his ten pound shih tzu. Although, you admitted, it was because she got to share a bed with him.

Somehow in month 5 you were roped into a three way phone call with his dad. Senator Rhodes and Vincent seemed to have an easy relationship, but you were filled in later that it was anything but for a very long time. So you turned the tables one night, and introduced him to your entire family.

Forgetting about his Tourette's, because you had really grown used to it all. To the tics, the whistles and excessive use of the word cunt (Pandemic drinking game, Vincent’s idea) that his biggest episode since you met stunned not only you but your clan. Vincent had buried his face, you were terrified of your mistake. But you got it from somewhere.

“Sure you ain't from Brooklyn, kid?!” Thank Christ for meathead brothers.

“This is dating right?” Vincent asked after their dinner. “Pandemic, COVID, for now dating. Even though,” he paused to twist his neck, “One of my coworkers has uh, dick appointments all the time?” He snapped a finger several times and shouted something about a whore and syphilis.

“Hey! Tell Arthur to fuck off. Sexual liberation. She's not a whore, she's in her twenties!” Vincent laughed. “Are you nervous about something? Usually the bedtime part of our phone calls are the least tic-ish.”

“Wanna have sex?” He was straightforward.

“Right now? Facetime sex?” You scrunch your nose but more to be cute than creeped out.

“Here. Alex is asleep. Come over? We've been isolated for months.”

“God, I love you.”

“What?” Vincent laughed. “Are you sure about that?”

“I'll be there in twenty minutes.”

-----

Vincent opened the door and implored you to take your shoes off at the door. You expected nothing less as you complied and followed him in the stillness of the apartment to his bedroom.

The moment the door was shut, Vincent was on you before you could even adjust to the dark. Only street lamps from the neighborhood below showed through as his mouth consumed yours.

Your tongues at war with each other as the two of you scrambled to undress. Your lips broke apart long enough to throw shirts over heads and step out of flannel pants or yoga pants. Then they crashed together again as Vincent let his hands splay out the length of your back and shoulders.

Your one hand ensnared by his messy hair. The other under the waistband of his boxers and over his ass. You drew his body to yours to melt into. His erection strained and throbbed against your hip as you hungrily pushed your tongue as far inside him as you could.

The both of you eager like teenagers shot with adrenaline. Anxious and hoping Alex caught you as Vincent twitched and his shoulders shrugged up to his ears. His fingers fumbled with your bra made worse by his tics. Tics that frustrated only him; you reached and undid it for him. Your breasts were free for him to look at.

Vincent attempted to choke back his words but failed. “Tit fucker,” a sour look on his face as his eye involuntarily clamped shut, “huge nipples.” He swallowed his lips, mortified.

“Hey!! They make up for yours being the tiniest nipples I have EVER seen on a dude.” You took Vincent’s hand. “We can slow down if you want. I don't know what's up, do you tic like this every time you have sex?”

The two of you laid side by side on his bed, hands traced over inches of bare skin. Vincent was silent for a while as he let his fingers trail over you, his lips not far behind.

“I don't. I'm usually too focused. The last time I loved someone, it fell apart immediately. It's making me anxious.”

You held his head to your body with a tenderness. “I loved you first, didn't I?”

His mouth made its way amongst your breasts as he gently laid you on your back. His lips warm on your stomach and hips that he exposed by tugging your panties down over your knees and off. Vincent laid down between them and almost nuzzled his nose in your soft pubic hair before his tongue dove inside of you.

Your hips rocketed up into his mouth as you grabbed the back of Vincent's head. He licked and sucked on your sex. Small tics caused him to push his tongue and lips in further than before. They closed in on your clit. His tongue attacked it with a lapping motion that you could only bend to, helpless.

Vincent was insatiable, his mouth in a frenzy. Your fingers caught up in the sheets as the sensation of his mouth on your clit spread along your body. Now your words were a shock as they came screaming out into the quiet of the bedroom.

“Tongue fuck me! Faster!”

Instead Vincent looked up at you with a grin, “I see Arthur came to visit.”

Tag: @robertsheehanownsmyass @slutforrobbiebro @super-unpredictable98 @magic-multicolored-miracle @sean-falco @elliethesuperfruitlover @bisexualnathanyoung @bwritesstuff @firstpersonnarrator @rob-private

#robert sheehan #vincent rhodes #vincent rhodes x reader #vincent x reader smut

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 3 years

Text

🙂 - ɟ

Hiii babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗 Here’s another post with the answers to the asks Mari sent me. Enjoy 🙃

Hi @sawwyouuinadream 👋🏼😄 I’ve already talked about how C exaggerated for the sake of the songs in my ‘💭- ɟ’ post (8th question) [click on the #f anon of this post to see all my others]. As for the rest, you need to understand the difference between our normal life and theirs, especially when they were in the group. You can’t compare your life and what you would do with your girlfriend in their place simply because they’re completely different things. Any parent of famous artists who gets the chance to spend time with their child when they can, seizes the opportunity. I saw it with 5H, I saw it and keep seeing it with Ari, I saw it in Taylor’s documentary, and many others. But not all artists have this luck.

5H were far from home, always around the world, without parents most of the time, and with fans who recognized them. Unlike the other parents who didn’t always have the opportunity to be with them because of work, the most present were Sinu, papa H (Jerry, Ally’s dad), and mama Dre (Andrea, Normani’s mom; as much as Sinu and continued as Sinu even after the hiatus). The only difference is that Camila suffers from depression and variants of OCD (diagnosed in 2015) and for these reasons, Sinu has always tried to be as present as possible. She only became a regular presence after C’s explosion in early September 2016. And, honestly? I don’t know where Camila would be without her mom. I don’t think she could have gotten through most of the things. I don’t think she would be in the industry anymore.

Now, I’d like to remind you of something else: we only see 5/10% of their lives. And that 5/10%, is ONLY what they want to show. You said that Sinu always accompanied C on dates? That’s not true. We saw Sinu with them a couple of times when they went shopping, once for dinner at Katsuya’s, and once at the beach in Australia. And these are literally only five times in what, four years that C was in 5H? Do you really think those were their only dates? Or that those can even be called dates and not just spending time with the mother-in-law? Come on. Try to look at it differently. Try to look at it from a broader perspective. Try to look at the big picture.

I send you a hug 🤗

No, dear Anon. Lauren was together with Camila. That whole conversation was based on Camila teasing Lauren. That episode was another confirmation for me regarding their first kiss. Lauren answering “Kind of” because Camila literally nearly passed out from nervousness is one of the things that amuses me the most.

Oh and, dear Anon? Bread Simplified, aka I don’t know what lips are, was just another one of her PRs. I don’t know how this is still something to doubt about. 75/80% of all Hollywood couples are fake, and as I said earlier, we only see 5/10% of what they want to show us about their lives. I’ve said this before and will write it again: “Any PR relationship involving Camren is simply this: fake, and for publicity and narrative purposes”. Real relationships, dear Anon, are not public ones. They’re the ones we don’t see.

I’m still a little bit confused about your ask actually if I have to be honest, dear Anon. I’ll answer based on what I understood.

None of the five of them are with Syco Music anymore because it has integrated with Sony Music Entertainment and therefore doesn’t exist anymore.

Only Camila and Lauren are with Syco Entertainment simply because only the two of them were asked to sign. Simon never cared about the group per se. He wanted Lauren and Camila from the start and he got them. He created an opportunity to prepare them for that world and for their eventual solo careers. How? By creating 5H. By creating three products (C, L, and 5H) at once that would make him money.

Because, dear Anon, as twisted as it sounds, it’s part of their publicity. I’ll explain myself better. Camren sells. From the beginning. A large part of the 5H fans became their fans BECAUSE of Camren. The labels still use them when needed. For labels, it’s okay to get people talking. It’s okay to get them to speculate, take their name out there, create buzz, create gossip, everything’s okay, EXCEPT confirming it. The important thing is the publicity. The important thing is to sell what they want to sell, and many times, they use Camren to do it. And it works. It works EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Plus, I think both C&L also had fun doing it to “keep the boat afloat”. More in the past than now tho.

I know about the rest of the pictures because it was said a while back by a guy who said he was yet another ‘insider’, dear Anon. This guy even published an email that was supposed to be from 2017 from TMZ to Roger in which they were supposed to have a meeting to discuss the extension of the agreement made not to publish the dossier. It’s actually old news, and it indeed seems strange to me that you’re only finding out now 🙃 Has anyone ever talked about it here on Tumblr?

But anyway. That he was an insider, I have my serious doubts. That the email picture was specially created, perhaps by him himself, I’m sure of it because it looks more fake than a plastic flower. That TMZ actually has a dossier on them, is very likely because this is another one of the many ways paparazzi agencies make money.

Dear Anon, I guess this ask of yours is due to your reading of my last post. If you’ve read it, then you have also read the sentence that I will now copy: “Everyone’s ready to point the finger when they don’t even know what is really going on behind the scenes”. You’re doing the same thing. You’re doing the same thing because all I see here is Roger did this and Roger did that, but you don’t know that. You don’t know why he did certain things. You don’t know why he didn’t do certain things. You don’t know why he handled some things in one way and some things in another. You know nothing, yet you’re pointing the finger.

I understand that you’re speaking based on what you see, believe me, I understand, but you’re judging without knowing. We know this PR is for Skittles, so what do you know if the deals made were exactly for Roger to promote him more? What do you know if the deals made were exactly for Roger to do or not do certain things? And more importantly, what do you know that Roger no longer has Camila’s best interests at heart? Just because of this show? Come on!

I’ll try to be clearer this time because I’ve noticed that many, like you, didn’t get the big picture of my last post. The labels decide everything. Camila can choose certain things, propose ideas, and be more liberally creative, but she doesn’t have the last word. If Camila comes up with the idea for a video she wants to make, but the labels don’t like it, then she can’t make that video. If Camila wants to perform a song in a certain way, but the labels don’t approve of a thing, then Camila has to change that thing in order to perform it. If the labels say no, then it’s no. Periodt.

Camila accepted the PR. COVID has changed things. She couldn’t expect such a thing. Hell, none of us could have expected a worldwide pandemic. But things turned out this way, and now she’s miserable. The choice she had initially made has backfired on her, and there’s nothing she can do to change that because it’s a legally binding contract. Neither she nor Roger, whom I remind you is also an attorney, can do anything about it.

I made this little scene for you. I hope that with this, you’ll see things a little more clearly.

*During the meeting*

“And that’s the idea” Roger says as Simon continues to look at the various set designs and documents by nodding

“So.. what do you think?” Camila asks anxiously and with a small hopeful smile

“I think we only need to change a couple of things, but for the rest, everything’s fine” Simon replies

“Really?” Camila asks excitedly

“Yes, really” Simon replies with a chuckle due to her enthusiasm “Good job, Camilla”

“Yay!” Camila cheers towards Roger. She’s too happy to care about the cringe due to the mispronunciation of her name. She’s used to hearing him call her that for years now.

“What are the changes you were referring to?” Roger asks him

“Oh, you know, this and this” Simon replies, turning the set designs towards them “It’s a little too…” “Gay?” Camila asks with a laugh, finishing his sentence

“We knew, but she wanted to try anyway” Roger says, indicating Camila with his palm “So, by changing those two things, we’re ready to go? We’re gonna shoot the video in a week”

“Yes, I approve. Everything’s all right” Simon says, handing the set designs back

“Thanks, Simon” Camila says, getting up together with Roger ready to leave the room

“Oh and, Camilla? Remember what we talked about” Simon tells her as soon as she gets to the door

“But-” “Remember what we agreed on” Simon says, interrupting her

With a sigh, Camila nods and turns to look at Roger who smiles at her sympathetically. With another sigh, this time of acceptance and determination, Camila positions herself behind Roger, who’s bending his knees to get down and is bringing his torso forward.

“Um.. what exactly are you two doing?” Simon asks, confused and curious at the same time

“When you tell me to jump, I ask you ‘how high?’, right?” Camila answers him as she climbs on Roger’s back

Simon nods with an even more puzzled expression.

“I’m helping her jump from higher” Roger explains to him

*the end*

This is just a silly example, but I hope it helped you understand the dynamics better. I also copied and pasted another piece of my previous post as a reminder: “If Roger does certain things that you may not like at first glance, before accusing him, please wait. Wait till you see why he’s doing what he’s doing, and then if you really don’t like it, then point the finger. But if you have to do it for no good reason, then don’t. You’d only going to look worse after. Same thing for Camila. They have a reason for doing what they do, so just wait before speaking and judging.”

Have a great day too, dear 😊

I don’t think you’re gonna like my analysis, dear Anon, but you asked for it, so here it is.

I’d like to start by saying that Thinkin’ Bout One is a half-demo. It’s not a completed song and it’s from ‘The Hurting. The Healing. The Loving.’ era, so even before the album title changed to ‘Camila’. I’m talking about the very beginning. When Havana wasn’t even remotely ready to be complete, or recorded if that’s why. When I Have Questions had just been recorded or was about to be recorded. I’m talking about the end of 2016.

The demo is pretty messed up because there is no intro, verses, pre-chorus, chorus, etc., like in a normal song. The quality and the way the demo is structured reminds me a lot of the GarageBand Camila times. To be honest, I think that’s how it was recorded. I think Camila created the demo on her own and then she abandoned it once she started recording other songs that would adapt and fit in the true direction of the album.

The reason I said I don’t think you’re gonna like my analysis is because this song, it’s not about Lauren. I have reason to think this song is for someone else, but without dwelling on that, I’ll explain why in my opinion it’s not about Lauren through my interpretation.

“Where you at

Come baby show me where you at

Finally got time off work

Tryina disappear off the map with ya

What’s love gotta do with it

This my vacation time

Bathin suits and tan line

Thirst trap for your timeline”

Camila is asking this somebody where they are. Camila was still working with Lauren in 2016. She knew where Lauren was because she was with her, this somebody wasn’t. She’s asking them to meet and spend those days she had free together. She’s asking them to go together to a place where they could be off the radar. A place with a warm climate. And she’s not asking them to see it as a romantic getaway, but just as a vacation. Love was the last of her thoughts given what she was going through with Lauren that year.

“Num num num num num

Pass the henny not the rum

I go num num num num num

If I decide to give you sum

Talkin talkin talkin

All this time that we been rockin

Hey”

“Sip a lil this

Sip a little that

Now this ain’t nothin but a fact

I need you come and take control”

This vacation that Camila proposes also included alcohol and other activities, if you know what I mean. I’ll explain the slang she uses here to indicate those two very things.

In case you didn’t know, num is the slang for making out. Henny is the slang for Hennessy, which is a brand of cognac. It’s used a lot together with coke for a simple two-ingredient cocktail, and indeed, Camila specifies that she prefers henny over rum (rum and coke) in her simple two-ingredient cocktail. Sum is the slang for some. Now that you know, I believe you can put the pieces together and better understand the puns she used here.

And that’s all. There’s nothing about Lauren for me. There’s nothing deep about it. Just another distraction. And for me, for my timeline, this event happened during the 7/27 tour break. The break that lasted from July 6 to 26 before starting the North American part.

Hello to you too dear Anon 😄 No, I personally don’t think those scenes represent her experiences exactly as they happened. I think she and Dave (Meyers) represented her experience in a cinematic and straight way, but with symbols that represented Lauren.

For example, the fact that Dylan plays the piano is to represent an artist, aka music, aka Lauren. The flower on the back of his shirt in the kiss scene: Lauren. The book’s scene you mentioned? The scene is represented in winter with snow, yet in her memory, they’re both represented dressed in a light way, aka ‘In Miami, where winters are hot’ (Sangria Wine’s verse 2) [or even in L.A. since the winter climate is much more similar to the spring one]. They both like to read, so the book was a perfect clue. Alcohol and fights were represented in a much stronger way than I think they happened in reality because we all know that Lauren is not a violent person. The moon? There’s not even the need to explain it. Oh and, the fact that she’s holding hands with herself at the end of the video is also a representation of what we saw in the Havana music video. The “I do love you. But I love me more” that we saw there. With that scene at the end of the Consequences music video, Camila shows us that she has finally managed to love herself.

So dear Anon, to me, that video is just an artistic representation of how things went. And thanks. I hadn’t watched that video in a long time, but I went to re-watch it for you, so thank you, dear 🥰

🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I’m done 😄 I hope I was helpful in this case too. As always, I’m available for those who have questions, so feel free to ask 😊 Thanks once again to you for asking me and Mari for making this exchange possible 😍

As usual, remember to be kind, to others and to yourself. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. I send you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗 I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️

___

This was awesome, thanks again F. BTW, the marks on the asks is a small detail I couldn’t erase but you can read them anyway, so sorry bout that.

#submission #f anon #anon #asks #answers #that small story with Simon

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smallnico · 4 years

Note

(Since you said you also struggle with it) Do you have any tips regarding not letting your anxiety-induced control issues making you a bad friend? Or being controlling of others?

sure! sorry for the late response btw, i’ve been swamped and haven’t felt really able to compose the long answer a question like this kind of deserves. as with all advice-based asks i receive, mind that i’m not a professional, i only speak from my own experience and from things i’ve learned during counseling sessions for my own mental health. ultimately, depending on how severely the issues you’re talking about affect your wellness and relationships, you should try to find a professional who can learn more about your personal experiences and guide you on a more personal journey of self-reflection and self-improvement. but i can definitely give some general tips, and will do so!

i think, in order to learn how to keep control issues in check, we all need to understand the nature of control.

control is something the universe will never let us have in the abundance we need to feel safe. there are things in our lives we can control in certain situations, like what we have for dinner, or what colour our walls are, but there are situations where these things are out of our control too -- say you’re having dinner at a friend’s and they’re making the dinner, or you live in a rent-controlled apartment with a landlord who likes beige on tan. being able to control something in a messy situation gives us a sense of stability and certainty, because no matter what other unpredictable thing happens, at least we know what colour the walls are. at least we know what we’re having for dinner. it’s an anchor in a panic attack. when we feel like the world we know is crumbling around us, at least we have something to hold on to.

of course, with control issues inevitably comes the question of just how much needs to be under control in order for us to feel safe. severity varies. say someone has ocd, for instance, and absolutely needs to check their purse for their wallet and keys 20 times in order to feel control over whether or not they’ll be locked out of the house. say someone has long-developed abandonment issues and absolutely needs to know where their friends are at all times, so they know those friends are coming back. the hardest thing for anyone with control issues to accept, regardless of their severity, is that we cannot have control all the time. to a certain degree, we can’t always control even our own actions, our emotions, our successes and failures. we may gain control, but we will lose it at some point, and it’s scary when that happens, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. it’s just a fact of life, and it’s one that every single person in the world has to deal with, regardless of whether they have control issues.

control is safety. control is sitting in a chair. losing control is the chair being yanked out from under you, whether by another person, by an earthquake, or by any means. suddenly we’re falling, we don’t know if it’ll hurt, and we’re just scrambling for anything to get us back in that chair, if it’s even still there, maybe injuring ourselves more in the process. but accepting that the chair, by whatever means, is gone, means we land on the ground. we get our bearings, we examine the ground, we examine our own pain -- are we hurt? is it bad? is it fine? -- we learn about where the chair went, and then, if the ground has stopped shaking, we stand up again and figure out where to go from here. losing control is scary, but letting go of the need for control frees us to adapt to new situations, examine new feelings, learn what’s really causing the problems in our lives. after all, if someone pulls a chair out from underneath us, the chair isn’t the problem, the problem is the person. they could’ve asked permission, but maybe they wanted to see us fall.

to wring this extended metaphor dry, say the person does ask for permission before taking the chair. they need it for something, but we’re using it. it’s comfortable. it’s our only chair. but this person is being considerate towards us, they’re asking us to make a sacrifice. remember, the chair is a feeling of control, of safety. how big of a sacrifice are they asking of us? really, it depends on how badly we need the chair. and when we think of control (this time more broadly, we’ve successfully escaped the metaphor) as something inherently temporary, something we don’t absolutely need to find happiness and safety, it becomes a lot less of an ask when our friends tell us to back off a bit. it also becomes easier to conceive of a world where we don’t need stability to make our own certainty.

and speaking of which, there’s another part of your ask that’s catching me. i don’t know the term of art for it, but when you say “anxiety-induced control issues make you a bad friend”, you’re labelling. the more we call ourselves something, the more we start to identify with it -- the more we insist that a certain bad/flawed action makes us a bad person, the more we identify ourselves as a bad person, and the less agency we assign to that bad/flawed action. if control issues make us bad friends, then being bad friends means we have control issues, etc. etc., and ultimately it becomes harder to separate the bad habits from our self-perception, and those habits then become harder to unlearn because suddenly we’re carving something out of our identity. we won’t be the same person anymore. we don’t know this new person, and the unknown is scary. then, we blame ourselves for our inability to overcome our “””inherent flaws”””, and we’re a bad person, we’re a bad friend, we’re never going to get better, we’re trapped here alone while the world rushes past and forgets us.

i hope i don’t need to tell anyone that that’s a problematic mindset to work oneself into. if i do, it is. and it really may not seem like that slippery of a slope, but once we get used to the holistic paradigm that People Are What They Do, the harder it becomes to forgive and love them in spite of their flaws, and that includes ourselves. making mistakes does not make us mistakes -- it makes us human, and that’s just how it be. not to sound too much like a therapist, because again it isn’t my job and i have no training, but the process of self-reflection and self-improvement becomes a hell of a lot easier when we stop blaming our souls for our behaviour. when we give in to our control issues, we’re acting out of a desperate need to stop feeling afraid, vulnerable. but fear, like all emotions, is temporary. it’s also part of being human. we can’t stop feeling afraid -- and it isn’t our fault that we can’t stop feeling afraid -- but we can, through certain physical and mental actions, be there for ourselves while we wait for the fear to go away on its own. i recommend any material on mindfulness and self-compassion by a woman named Kristen Neff for more on that kind of thing. but i digress.

some more specific situational tips for not lashing out at friends that i’ve personally used in my life:

- accept and then embrace that losing control and lashing out is going to happen every now and again no matter what you do. the pressure to be perfect is so unhelpful in recovery situations that it frequently actively and remorselessly makes those situations worse. again -- making mistakes is okay. you’re still on the right track, and it’s better for the train to arrive slowly after a long and shitty journey than to never arrive at all. - ask your friends to tell you when you’re making them uncomfortable. pick a safeword, something uninflammatory -- mine is “buttercup” -- and the hardest but most necessary part: when your friends use the safeword, don’t punish them for it. it isn’t an attack, they don’t want to hurt you, it’s just your cue to step back and take a nice bath or make a sandwich or wrap yourself in a blanket and practice some deep breathing. trust that the fear will be over soon. - after a lot of practice, you may find yourself recognizing your own behaviour and stepping back automatically. my friends almost never “buttercup” me anymore, because i don’t find myself reaching for control when i’m anxious -- i find myself closing my computer and making some hot chocolate and running a bath. taking a break. exercise works really well here. - this one’s kind of risky because of the self-destructive coping mechanisms a lot of people turn to to solve this problem, so tread carefully and compassionately. if you really need control such that you have to wean yourself off of it, do it like you’re trying to quit smoking. find a nicotine patch -- a smaller thing to control, like cleaning your room, washing a dish by hand, baking a cake, organizing your bookshelves. whatever works for you, just make sure you aren’t hurting yourself. the intention here isn’t to create a new problem for you to solve to distract from the old one, or to test your self-control. it’s specifically to feel a progressively smaller sense of relief to teach yourself just how inconsequential control can be in the grand scheme of things. that it can just be one of many positive feelings. after all, when cleaning your room comes with the benefit of being in a clean room, it’s not all about control, is it? - talk to your friends about the problem. try to ask first if you need to vent -- sometimes people aren’t in a good place to be vented to, and they deserve to be able to say ‘not right now’ without it being a huge deal -- but more importantly than that is that you talk to your friends about control issues when you aren’t actively spiralling. talking about what’s wrong in a considerate, self-compassionate, reflective way is obstructively hard to do when you’re in the middle of it -- at least, until you’ve had practice. don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help practicing self-reflection when your need isn’t urgent and they’re available. - don’t teach yourself to put your head down and deal with a lack of control. if it’s something you hate but put up with, then a lack of control is still, emotionally, a problem that needs solving, only now its presence inspires misery. think of what i said way earlier in this response: we have control way less often than we have it, just naturally. what you do instead of learning to tolerate that, is you learn to appreciate surprises. unpredictability is one of the most fun things about getting to know the world -- you never know what it’s going to do next, which means there’s always something new to explore. by teaching yourself to look for things to love in surprises, mistakes, unforeseen circumstances, not only does it change the world you see into a kinder and more fun place by default, it also provides the contrast you need to recognize when a situation really, actually is that bad, and something needs to be done to fix it. sure a storm knocked the power out and i can’t finish that assignment by the due date, but i know my professor isn’t a total asshole, so i’ll just let them know what’s up and in the meantime, look for ways to pass the time. i don’t know when the power’s going to come back, but now i have lights and heat and a book, so i’m good. the problems i actually have are the food in the freezer and the possibility of flooding. ultimately, we do what we can and accept what we can’t. (plus, it’s a lot easier to find somewhere moderate when you aim high and are okay with not getting there. you’ll probably never go “yay! the inexorable forces of chaos are at it again!”, but you might learn to laugh off missing the bus, which is already pretty great.) - at the very least, appreciate that you’re not responsible for other people’s decisions. ultimately, that’s their call, and accepting their call as their call means you don’t have to feel like their bad decisions are your fault. there are literally no downsides to this. if someone else decides to blame you for their bad decisions, they’re wrong. the only thing you’re responsible for in that situation is how you decide to respond to it. (and again, it’s okay to make the wrong decision. really, it is. all that matters is you be compassionate to yourself, reflect on the damage caused, try to fix what you can, and resolve to learn from the situation.) - look up kristen neff. really, do it. she has a couple of pretty great ted talks on youtube.

i, for one, find comfort in not knowing all the answers. paradoxically, embracing uncertainty and unpredictability makes me feel more secure, because i know that next to nothing is under my control, and if something unpredictable happens, i’m comfortable knowing i wasn’t responsible for it. i can’t know everything, and trying to know everything is a recipe for a panic attack, because it means i’m going out of my way to pile onto the list of things i have to keep track of or else it’s my fault if they go wrong, regardless of if there’s anything i could’ve actually done. i spend so much energy trying to stay in the goddamn chair that i completely lose track of everything in my surroundings that actually matters. grabbing for a sense of control at all costs completely blinds me to real problems and real contentment, which then makes me feel even less in control than before. it’s a no-win situation. better for us to embrace that control really isn’t worth all the fuss and go on with our lives.

i hope this could help, or at least offer some perspective!

#nico's advice column #long post #anon #the askbox

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emisonme · 5 years

Text

Find You Again.......

For me, Find You Again is not a break-up/heartbreak song. It is a beautiful love song. It is a lyrical love letter to the love of her dreams. (or love of her life, if you prefer)

Before I get into the analysis, let me start by saying, there is no way Camila is going to use lyrics, she wrote as a teenager, and incorporate them into a love song she is writing about in the present...Unless the person she is writing about now, is the same person she was writing about, as a 16 year old kid.

Camila is to talented a lyricist to have to recycle lyrics. Especially lyrics from a song that was leaked, that we have all heard, and that we know was written when she was a kid. In my opinion, this is her way of letting us, this 2019 love song is indeed about the same person she was writing about all those years ago.

I am pretty confident in that opinion, because I also have no hesitancy in saying, Find You Again was written about the same person NBTS was written about. The same person All These Years and Consequences was written about. The same person U Shaped Space and Only Told The Moon was written about. The list goes on and on. Don't believe me? Listen to all those songs I listed, then listen to Find You Again. It shouldn't be difficult to make the connections.

OK, Let's get to analyzing this song. I'll start with something Camila said about the song. She said, she came up with the title concept of "I know I'll never find you again" back last year, in 2018. That those lyrics were from the perspective of losing the person she was in love with. That's exactly how the song begins. From the perspective of "If I lose you..."

"I'll try to pass the night away with somebody knew/ but they don't have a shot when I compare them to you/ It's too late, too late/ Baby I know I'll never find you again/ find you again."

Here, she is telling the person, directly, that if she loses them she'll try to move on, but it would be an impossible task. It's too late , because she would always compare everyone else to them, and she'll never be able to find them in someone else.

The first verse is from the perspective of a time when they were actually broken up. She is telling them the experience she had, of trying to move on.

"Baby, Baby, I/ walk in the late night/ looking for your eyes/ put up a fight to find you/ lose it every time/ you were the last of your kind/ all of the blame's mine."

She is telling them, that she went out and tried to find someone new, but in doing so, the only thing she found herself looking for, was them. The same eyes. Remember the eyes are the windows to the soul. She was looking for their soul in the eyes of others. She really tried to find someone who could replace them in her heart, but it was to know avail. She was looking for them, in everyone else she meets. (wasn't there a reblog about this) They are a one of a kind. The last of their kind. The one and only to have a permanent place in her heart.

The "all of the blame's mine" could have a double meaning here. She is taking responsibility for the situation she finds herself in. She is to blame for not being able to move on, because she doesn't want to move on.

The other meaning could be, she is taking responsibility for their break-up. Not because she necessarily did something wrong, but because she took what they had for granted. This is a common occurrence, especially in youth. Young lovers always have a tendency to think, love is enough.

When one has been in a relationship with someone, for a while, they become complacent. Everything becomes routine. They become desensitized to their importance. You love them, they love you, and you simply assume that is enough. That you will never lose them...until you do.

Then you find yourself wondering what the hell happened. You don't realize, until it's too late, that something is wrong. You just assumed, that everything would be OK, because they love you, you love them, and that's all that matters. It's enough to work through anything, right?

Loving someone is easy. Being in a loving relationship with someone isn't. A relationship is something you have to constantly work and fight for, because there is always something trying to tear it apart. Doubt, fear, trust, jealousy, anxiety, other people, all become a factor when you fall in love with someone and try to have a relationship with them.

When you take what you have with someone for granted, become complacent in your routine, and assume what you have together is enough, you stop fighting for it. When you stop fighting for it, you lose it. When you lose it, you realize too late, love wasn't enough. That's when you blame yourself and write lyrics like, "I wish I'd loved you like I miss you". Because when you take love for granted, you never quite know what you have, until you lose it.

"And I remember you told me/ that we could work it all out/ don't you worry/ and now, the tears in your eyes, make it blurry/ but if you say try again, I'd be ready/ I'm ready, yeah."

They both took what they had for granted. But, Camila blames herself for believing when she was told not to worry, that they could work it all out. They always had. She simply believed everything would be fine, when it wasn't. The day came, when they couldn't do it anymore. They needed a break. The love is still there, but the desire to fight through all the pressures to try and make the relationship work, wasn't.

That's when Camila knew, she took what she had for granted. That's when she knew exactly what she had, after she lost it. She'll try yo move on, but she knows she'll be ready for the day they ask her to "try again", because they are THE ONE. No one else compares. Anyone else would always come second to them. Camila has no desire to settle for second best, when she knows what it feels like to have THE BEST.

The second verse is brilliant. Camila has described it as one of her favorite things she's written. She also said, this verse is full of lyrics she's had since she was 16 years old. Not ALL the lyrics in this verse are from when she was 16. She has adapted some of her older lyrics to fit a more mature 22 year olds experience and wisdom.

Before I get into this verse, I want to say, I think FYA is telling us a story in reverse order. It goes from asking what if I lose you, to their most recent break-up, which I'm thinking was in late 2016, to their problems in 2015, to their problems in 2013/2014.

That said, I think the second verse actually represents two different time frames. I'll break the verse down into my perceived two different time frames.

"Have mercy on me, please/ I messed up to the third degree/ this crush is kind of crushing me/ I do therapy at least twice a week."

This part, I think represents the 2015 drama and possible break. Camila was going through a really tough time with her anxiety in 2015. Especially the later half of 2015.

She has said her mind was fucking with her, to the point she thought everyone was out to get her. Then we find out, she was diagnosed with OCD with intrusive thoughts. The intrusive thoughts that come with OCD, are no joke. These thoughts can come out of nowhere, and they are relentless. They will scare the living shit out of you. You don't know where these thoughts are coming from, because they are not you, or your thoughts, at all. They are OCD thoughts, and until you learn how to recognize and distinguish which are OCD thoughts and which are your true thoughts, the OCD thoughts become your scary thoughts...and they will only get worse.....(I'll go as far as to say, I'm almost sure management used her diagnosis against her, to help create the 2015 drama.)

This part sounds like Camila is asking for forgiveness. Not only for believing the thoughts in her head, but also allowing herself to be manipulated by THEM, and use her OCD and her feelings against her. (Thankfully, therapy helped the situation)

For FYA, she is putting emphasis on her "crush". We know in late August/early September, she said she wouldn't hesitate to marry her "celebrity crush". (We all know who she was talking about, but shhhh, we aren't supposed to know.) Her OCD, with help from management bullshit, was really making her question everything about her relationship. It was crushing her to the point of breaking.

"There's a you-shaped space in my bed/ always you-shaped thoughts inside my head, like/ I keep pushing them right into you/ La Cienega, where I remember you."

This sounds like 16 year old Camila, to me. She was crushing on a certain someone, hard. That crush began when she was 15. The person she was crushing on, she was also rooming with, and probably even sharing the same bed with, on occasion. They were her new found best friend, after all.

Nothing like crushing on your best friend, right? If you've ever had your crush laying next to you, then you know the kinds of thoughts that were running through Camila's head. She tried to hide her true feelings, but alas she couldn't. Her BFF/crush could read her like a book. Her BFF/crush is an Empath, after all. Camila didn't have a chance to hide her feelings, because she was literally pushing her feeling right into her empathic Bff crush.

Remember, she wrote some of these lyrics when she was 16. That doesn't necessarily mean, all the memories and situations she was writing about all happened when she was 16. With that said, this whole La Cienega thing has me taking shots in the dark.

Camila was unknowingly "pushing" her feelings into her crush, before her crush was ready to accept those feelings, or acknowledge their own feelings. Maybe, and it's a strong maybe, that's what the whole La Cienega thing means. She wishes they could go back to when they were on X-Factor. The way she remembers her crush, before all these damn complicating feeling got in the way.

Anyways, that's my take on Find You Again. This song is depicting the ups and downs of a relationship that has spanned years. It is a song that has taken six years to complete. It's a song about a relationship that started as a friendship, developed into a major crush, that eventually developed into a relationship that Camila Cabello has been writing love songs about, ever since.

In summary, Find You Again is a beautiful lyrical love letter, Camila wrote for the love of her dreams. She is telling them, no matter where they are, together or apart, she will always be waiting for them. Waiting for them to either come home, or tell her they are ready to "try again".

This person is the only one Camila wants. They are the only one Camila wants to give her heart to. Camila knows, she would never be able to find another "you". Someone with the same heart, the same soul, the same passion. "You" are the last of "your" kind. Camila will "never find you again", because there is only ONE YOU!!!!!

Aren't you proud of me. I stuck to gender neutral pronouns, and kept this whole post neutral. I am nowhere near delusional...................By the way, wasn't Lauren on X-factor with Camila? Didn't Camila and Lauren room together?...Didn't Lauren come out as Bi---and an Empath?......Interesting!!!!!!!!!!!!

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ellebabywrites · 5 years

Text

The Power Of Touch - Yoon Jeonghan

Type : Oneshot // Angst // Fluff // Smut

Warnings : Sensitive subjects and possibly triggering themes // TouchAversion!au

Word Count : 5945

Author Note : This story is completely self indulgent and personal to me because I suffer with touch aversion , that has got exponentially worse lately , so here’s a little piece of something from my heart 💕

Disclaimer : Not everyone with TA uses gloves as it doesn’t always help. For example some people are okay as long as it’s not skin-to-skin . I don’t use gloves personally but I can’t handle much or even any contact . I included them in this story to better tell the narrative and show the character progression :)

Sight. Smell. Taste. Sound. Touch. Touch. Touch.

Holding hands. A kiss goodbye. A high five. A hug. Touch connects us. When you lose that connection, it’s impossible to describe how alone you become. When you can’t reach out and touch, it feels like you’re drifting through life with no one there to catch you, nothing to keep you grounded in reality. There’s no comfort. No home. It is the loneliest feeling in the world. Isolation is detrimental.

Touch Aversion, or TA, can come around for a number of reasons; for many people it’s a reaction to a trauma that’s happened in their lives, a form of PTSD; for others it’s a symptom of OCD. For you, it’s a side effect of anxiety. There wasn’t any big traumatic event that caused you to be like this, you weren’t hurt as a child, never involved in anything particularly bad. It just happened.

You’ve been like this for as long as you can remember. The feeling of being touched making your skin burn and body cringe away; triggering panic attacks as you suddenly don’t feel safe. In some twisted way you feel safer in that bubble, being separate from the world - but like everyone you have moments. When all you want to do is curl up in someone's’ chest; to be held - but you can’t because it hurts too much.

The only person you’ve ever let close enough to touch you is Joshua. Joshua Hong; your best friend since preschool. He was with you before the TA started and he’s been by your side through it all. He understood your boundaries and made sure you felt safe and cared for in other ways; like bringing you an extra banana milk for lunch every day in 5th grade, or buying your first pair of gloves in 8th. Unconventional yes, but wearing gloves works as an extra barrier of protection, making life that little bit easier day to day. Besides, they made you feel fancy and who doesn’t like feeling fancy every now and then.

Growing up, Joshua always tried to help you open up to other people, but you just couldn’t. Then came adulthood and dating started becoming an issue. People didn’t understand it, and why would they? What kind of relationship can you have without touch? So you went on your fair share of first dates; dinners and movies that ended abruptly with the touch of a hand or even waist - until you gave up all together. You’ve lived alone in this bubble for most of your life, you could survive.

“Y/N please,” Joshua was laying on your bed whining while you were sorting through your latest portfolio, “It will be good for you and you know it. It’s just one date!” You’d invited him over to help you narrow down the shots from your latest photography job, but of course Joshua had managed to segway into setting you up on a blind date.

“Josh I seriously need your help here,” You lift two photos up in front of him, “left or right for the black and white?” you ask, face devoid of any emotion a his eyes narrow in on you, sizing you up to find the best way of breaking you down.

“Right, it’s pretty” he caves, a sigh escaping his lips as he falls back down on the mattress, “Jeonghan’s a good guy Y/N, Cheol’s been trying to set him up for months and I really think the two of you would hit it off.”

Joshua was relentless, you’re his best friend and he just wants to see you happy. Lately you’ve been burying yourself in work, avoiding hang outs and calls; entering, what Josh calls, the dark and twisty place.

“It’s not supposed to be pretty, it’s supposed to be strong,” you avoid his sharp gaze at your blatant change of subject, continuing to piece photos together inside the binder.

It took a beat for you to give in to the lasers pointed at the side of your face, sighing as you turn back to him, “you know dates for me don’t work Josh, it’s a waste of time for both me and him.” Joshua looks at you with such pity, seeing the way you try to hide the drop of your smile, forcing your lips to stay pulled up, looking anywhere but him.

“Y/n,” he calls your attention, “Han is one of my best friends, he’s worked at the company with me for years,” he stands up and reaches for your bare hands. It wasn’t until 11th grade that you felt comfortable enough to let him touch you skin-on-skin; since then Joshua has been your only source of physical contact, the only one you felt safe with. “I trust him. If it makes you feel better I can explain it to him before, so there’s no surprises?”

He was looking down at you with those big doe eyes, slowly drawing circles on your wrists with his thumbs - how could you say no?

Reluctantly, you nod.

“Please talk to him first, I think if there’s another Creepy Steve incident i’ll never leave the house again,” you laugh half-joking. Creepy Steve had been a guy from one of your shoots who had asked you to dinner and then tried to feel you up under the table.

---

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Why did you always let Joshua talk you into these things? You wanted to be anywhere but here; sitting at a table in the middle of the new Italian restaurant downtown, waiting for your blind date to show up. It’s been months since you were last on a date, Creepy Steve be damned, and you were nervous. You fiddled with the hem of your gloves, constantly pulling them up and adjusting the fingers, trying to calm yourself down. Joshua had shown you a photo of Jeonghan shortly after the date had been confirmed, he was gorgeous, which typically meant this was about to go very badly.

Just outside the front of the restaurant, Jeonghan was standing adjusting his dress shirt and smoothing his hair down. He was just as, if not more, nervous than you were. For years he’s heard about you from Joshua, how incredible you were, how kind, how cheerful. He’d seen the picture of Josh and you at graduation on his colleagues desk everyday, he’d seen how beautiful you were. He was nervous.

Joshua had filled him in a little bit about your TA beforehand and Jeonghan had immediately went away and did some research, worried encase he did anything that would make you uncomfortable. Deciding it was time to bite the bullet and go in, Jeonghan takes one final deep breath before entering.

There you were. Sitting on a table in the centre of the restaurant, eyes cast downwards and hair swept to the side. He could see your fingers toying with the gloves on your hands and he suddenly felt a lot more relaxed knowing you were nervous too.

“Y/N?” Hearing your name knocks you out of the daze you’d drifted into; lifting your gaze to meet the man you’d been waiting for.

“Yes, um, hi,” he was a lot more beautiful in person, “Jeonghan right?” you stand to greet him but he stops you, holding his hands up and giggling shyly. If you looked close enough you’d see the faint blush that was beginning to paint his face and neck, but luckily for him your own nerves were keeping your eyes trained on the table between you.

The both of you sit down and order food, occupying the silence with small talk while you wait.

“Your gloves are very pretty,” Jeonghan compliments, not missing the way you try and hide your hands at the sudden attention. Worried he thought you were being rude wearing gloves at the table, your face blushes a deep purple and you look back to the ground.

“I’m sorry, I have a… a thing, the gloves.. Um,” through your flustered state you try to explain yourself but your words fall short. Jeonghan thinks he like seeing you flustered. The way your eyes grow larger and cheeks flush makes you look incredibly cute. He can see you stuttering and takes a second to smile warmly at you.

“Don’t worry, Joshua told me a little bit about it,” you visibly relax at that, thankful that your best friend hadn’t just left you in the deep end this time, “he’s told me a lot about you actually, you’re in photography?” Jeonghan asked, genuinely interested to hear about you.

The conversation flowed naturally, both talking in length about your work and lives over dinner. You tell Jeonghan about the trip you took to Paris last year for one of your photography jobs and you learn that he works at the same tech company as Joshua.

“Is that how you met Josh?” you ask, taking a sip of the red wine he had refilled for you not a moment before.

“Oh no, I met Shua through Seungcheol first, then when I got the job at the company we all just got closer,” he smiles remembering the two friends and you find yourself smiling along with him. “What about you?” he asks, “how did you meet Joshua?”

“We’re childhood friends,” you tell him, “Josh has been with me for my entire life, but he must be getting tired of me lately, he’s always trying to set me up,” you giggle, feeling light from the wine and comfortable enough now to joke with Jeonghan.

He watches you. A million thoughts racing through his mind; how badly he wants to brush that stray piece of hair out of your face, if your lips are as soft as they look, “I don’t think anyone could get tired of you,” he confesses, loving the way your neck flushes a dark red at the compliment. Joshua had warned him you found it difficult to open up to people, but so far you had seemed to be calm and just enjoying each other's company; the conversation flowing throughout the entire night. Jeonghan liked you, and as much as you’d like to deny it, you liked him too.

He walked you back to your apartment after dinner. Maybe it was because he was Joshua’s friend and he trusted him that made you feel more comfortable with Jeonghan than you usually do with strangers. When you get to the door of your apartment you both lingered, not quite wanting to leave each other just yet. Jeonghan didn’t know what to do, usually he’d kiss his date goodnight but he knew better with you, “Can I have your number?” he asked shyly instead. After exchanging numbers, the two of you take a second to just stare at each other sweetly, before you bursting in a fit of embarrassed giggles. “I hope we can do this again, I had fun.”

Your lips pulled up into a small smile and you nodded, fiddling with your keys, “I would like that.”

“Goodnight Y/N,” Jeonghan sends you a wave before making his way back to the elevator and you enter your apartment. Leaning against the door and sliding down to the floor as soon as you’re inside. You really liked him, and that scared you.

---

The next morning, you were woken up by Joshua loudly slamming your front door and calling out for you from the kitchen.

“Y/N! Wake up, I’m here for tea!!” he was calling over and over again. Begrudgingly, you force yourself up and out of bed, throwing on an old hoodie and shorts, before going out to greet your noisy friend. He was standing in your kitchen, pouring out two cups of coffee.

“I thought you said you wanted tea?” you ask, still half asleep and pushing your hair out of your face, “there’s some on the top shelf in the cupboard.”

Joshua gives you a look that says ‘are you kidding me’ before sliding over one of the cups.

“Not literal tea Y/N, I mean tell me about your date,” he explains, sitting down opposite you at the table, waiting for you to spill the previous nights events.

You really should have expected the interrogation. Jeonghan was one of his best friends too, of course he would want to know everything. It was scary enough having all the thoughts and feelings that came along with Jeonghan, but actually saying it out loud was another story - so instead you decided to play it cool.

“It was… fine,” you hummed, taking a sip of coffee, that was far too bitter, and avoiding eye contact.

“Fine??” Joshua presses,

“Good.. okay it was good.”

Sitting back on his chair, Joshua looked at you for a moment, taking note of how red your ears were getting and the slight bounce of your leg before his face breaks out into a teasing smile, eyes glistening and mouth twitching.

“You like him don’t you! I knew it, I knew you two would be perfect together! Wow I’m such a matchmaker, why am I still in the tech business?” he teased, not giving you any room to protest as he stood up to give you a tight hug and kiss to the temple.

Only Joshua could touch you like that and it wouldn’t send you into a hyperventilating fit, that’s why you always kept everyone at such a distance; always kept your feelings in a teeny tiny box at the back of your mind. But somehow Jeonghan had managed to open up that box and set all those feelings free, after only one date. Getting you to admit it to yourself was going to take a lot more than one of Joshua’s bubbling rants.

---

Similarly to with you, on the other side of town Seungcheol was busy questioning Jeonghan, wanting to know all the details.

Were you like how Joshua described you? Were you even more beautiful in person? Did he fuck up and accidentally touch you? Did you even show up?

“I’m not saying a word Cheol,” Han was adamant, turning away from the other boy, suddenly finding the couch cushions very interesting.

“C’mon Han, give me something! What is she like?” Seungcheol knew that he’d never get Han to break, but his curiosity was out of control. To them, you were this mysterious goddess Joshua had told them stories about but they’d only ever seen in pictures; Seungcheol couldn’t even deny the small ping of jealousy when Jeonghan had gotten a date with you first.

“She’s nice.” Hannie says flatly, enjoying teasing Cheol way too much to give him any more.

“Nice? Nice enough to see her again? Han you can’t leave me hanging like this!” Seungcheol was too busy whining to notice Jeonghan typing out a message to you on his phone, struggling to repress a smile.

> Hey it’s Han, I was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee later?

> Sure I'd love too, let me just get rid of Josh then I'll get ready :)

He giggled, guessing he wasn’t the only one getting grilled about last night.

---

You went on many dates with Jeonghan after that. Between constantly texting and calling each other, for some reason you just couldn’t stay away. At one point you had spoken to Jeonghan more than you had Joshua, and that was saying something. You liked being around him. You liked how he never pushed too hard, never did anything that could trigger you; but still had a good time.

Jeonghan liked spending time with you too. Every time his phone buzzed, he found his heart skipping a beat at the hope of it being you. He was falling fast. Touching wasn’t even an issue, he just enjoyed your company. Sure there are times when he wants to reach out and hold your hand or lean over to kiss your cheek; but then he hears you giggle at something over the phone, or sees how excited you get over those designs on your coffee, and he realises he’s happy to wait as long as you need, as long as he gets to spend this time with you.

When you take away touch from a relationship; and let’s be honest, this was a relationship; you grow close on a whole other level. You notice so much more and learn so much more about the other person. All their quirks, their habits; like the way you dig your fingernails into your palms whenever you’re in a crowded place; how you like your coffee with lots of milk or how your nose scrunches up if it’s too bitter. You learn a lot about a person when you take away touch, but only if you’re paying attention, and God was Jeonghan paying attention to you.

The two of you went on lots of coffee dates, fitting them in between his lunch breaks and your shoot schedules. When Jeonghan got some days off from work, he took you on trips out of the city, driving to a photo gallery by the beach where you found new ideas and inspirations for a job you were struggling to plan; as well as spending an entire day inside a movie theatre, moving between showing rooms and binging on popcorn. You hadn’t been this happy in a long time.

On your two month anniversary, Jeonghan took you to that same restaurant from your first date. He pulled out your chair and poured your wine; a habit of his you’ve picked up on. What really surprised you was when he handed over a box wrapped with a dark red ribbon; inside being a beautiful pair of gloves, the same red.

“I noticed you only ever wear black and thought maybe you’d like something different,” he says, looking at you with a shy smile, nervous and trying to gage your reaction.

It was one of the kindest, most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for you. It made your fingers tingle with the need to reach out for his hand, but you stopped yourself, not quite there yet.

It was still incredibly scary for you to let anyone in; you’d grown so close, so attached to Jeonghan in such a short period of time that it terrified you. Every time you got too comfortable or you fingers started drifting just a little closer to his, you pulled back.

It took another month before you gave in to temptation and were finally comfortable enough to not wear gloves around Jeonghan. It was a big step, one that didn’t go unnoticed. Joshua gave you a proud, and almost tearful, look you when you left your gloves on the coffee table when going out to meet Han. He knew how important it was for you.

Jeonghan wore a similar expression when he noticed, eyes constantly drifting to you bare hands and even going as far as asking if you were cold; seeing as you’d been wearing them every day for most of your life, he figured you’d be cold. But you weren’t, the rapid beating of your heart was warming you up just fine.

---

It was a weekend and the pair of you were on a walk through the local park. The weather was just starting to chill as the seasons changed and Jeonghan had been complaining about being stuck in the office too much, so you decided that a morning stroll would refresh you both.

Jeonghan was telling you about his week, which was particularly stressful with deadlines approaching. Lost in conversation, you almost didn’t notice the man chasing after a dog heading your direction, not until the man all but crashed into you. At the sudden contact you instinctively move back, too fast that you lose your footing and fall right into Jeonghan’s chest. Everything goes fuzzy.

All of your senses are in overdrive while simultaneously trying to disassociate; you can hear voices but they seem distant; palms sweaty and shaking as you try and move away again, but your knees buckle. Your breathing becomes irregular and you feel the typical panic attack quickly approaching. Jeonghan, who was holding you up so that you wouldn’t fall to the ground, was trying to get your attention, panicking himself seeing you so distressed.

“Y/N, I’m going to put you down okay? Y/N can you hear me?” he asked, eyes scanning over your face, unsure of what was the best way to help, not wanting to make the situation any worse. Slowly, he guided you to the floor, where he sat directly in front of you, holding out his hands so you could see he wasn’t touching you anymore.

“I’m right here Y/N, everything’s okay, I’m here,” despite being scared out of his mind, Jeonghan kept his voice soft and steady, “We can sit right here till you’re okay, I’m so sorry Y/N, I didn’t want you to fall, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have touched you, it will be okay Y/N.” He was apologising profusely, repeating phrases Joshua had told him helps.

It took a few minutes, but once your breathing had regulated and you were finally starting to calm down. You were beyond embarrassed. Having being caught up in this safe little world with Jeonghan for so long, you had let your guard drop. Not wanting him to see you cry, you bury your face in your knees as you let the tears fall. Beside you, Jeonghan feels like crying too, but he keeps it together enough to whisper calming words to you till you’re ready to stand up and go home.

When you reach your apartment, you turn back to Jeonghan, “I’m really sorry about...that,” you say, voice barely above a whisper and eyes pinned on the floor. You don’t see the way his eyes glass over or lips struggle to contain their trembling.

“It’s okay, it happens,” he is so good, you think, “get some rest Y/N, just call me if you need me,”

Once you’re inside and alone again, you call Joshua. Sobbing down the phone and asking him if he was busy, really needing a hug but feeling too isolated to do anything about it. By the time Joshua arrived at your apartment, you were lying on the floor, curled up in a ball crying. Gently, he lifted you into his lap and lulled you to calm down. You told him everything that happened while he rocked you back and forth, rubbing circles on your back and wiping away the tears from your cheeks.

“You should have seen his face Josh, he looked so hurt, it killed me,” you cry into his chest, remembering how scared and lost Jeonghan had looked earlier, “I can’t do this to him, he’s so good, he deserves so much; he deserves someone who won’t break down whenever he touches them! I wish i could touch him Josh, I want to hold his hand, I want to hug him, but I can’t, I just hurt him! I can’t keep hurting him!”

Joshua listened to you silently, letting you vent it all out till you fell asleep in his arms. It broke his heart to see you like this; being with you since it started, he knows how hard it can be for you. He was always so worried you were closing yourself off, being too afraid to let people in; then Jeonghan happened and he could see the change in you. You weren’t wearing the gloves as often; you left the house more; you were happier. The last thing Joshua wanted was for you to go back into yourself, he’d never be able to get you out again. So, once he had tucked you into bed, he immediately left to see Jeonghan.

---

Jeonghan is in a similarly distressed state when Joshua get’s to his apartment. He’s pacing around the kitchen, eyes red and puffy.

“Is Y/N okay?” he asks, stopping the second he sees Joshua, “Is she hurt? What do I do Josh? I touched her, I’m such an idiot I can’t believe I did that, does she hate me?”

It took Joshua a while to get Jeonghan calm enough to talk everything through. Assuring him you didn’t hate him and you were okay. “It’s not your fault Han, Y/N told me what happened and she feels really bad,” he explains.

“What?” Jeonghan looked up from his shaking hands with scrunched up eyebrows, “Why does she feel bad, she didn’t do anything?”

Joshua looks at his friend with pity. How can these two people who are so obviously in love with each other just not admit it?

“Han. Do you love her?”

It takes a moment, but soon enough Jeonghan is spilling his heart out, confessing every thought and feeling he’s ever had for you since you’d met. How his chest feels like it’s going to explode every time he sees your face, or the way he continuously gets lost in the sparkle of your eyes whenever you’re talking about your work.

The whole time Joshua sits and listens carefully, taking note of the smile that spreads across Han’s face when he talks about you.

“I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her,” he confesses.

“She loves you too you know,” Josh says softly, not sure if he should really be the one to tell him but also knowing you probably never will, “She loves you so much that she thinks she’s hurting you. She wants you to be happy even if it’s without her,”

Jeonghan feels his heart clench. He’s happy with you; he doesn’t want to lose you, he doesn’t want you to feel like you don’t deserve him.

“She... she can’t do that… that’s… I need to see her,” he picked up his coat and was making his way out the door when Joshua reached out to stop him.

“That’s not a good idea right now Han,” Joshua slowly pulled the keys out of his hands, “Just give her a day, let her calm down again and she’ll be okay.”

---

Waking up the next day you feel exhausted and you’re left with a raging headache. Panic attacks always took a lot of you, draining you of all your energy and leaving you as a zombie for at least the next day. There’s a ‘Goodnight, sleep well xx’ text on your phone from Jeonghan but you can’t find the strength to reply; falling naturally into your dark and twisty place, ignoring everything and running on autopilot.

You have a day-long shoot down town so you quickly get dressed; grab your equipment and make your way out the door. Not forgetting the red gloves Jeonghan had gotten you.

By the time lunch rolls around you’ve completely submerged yourself in work, desperately trying to avoid any reminder of the day before. And it was going well; you’d managed to get some great shots and you were already starting to feel a little better. That is until you spotted Jeonghan talking to your assistant at the back of the room. How long had he been here? Why was he here?!

“There you are, is the shoot going well?” He asks when you’d made your way over, why was he acting so normal?

“Um..Yeah it is, Hannie why are you here?” you can’t look him in the eye, all of the embarrassment and hurt rushing back. He swallows dryly seeing your timid reaction to him but after what Josh said, he had to show you, prove that he was here for the long haul.

“I’m taking you to lunch, there’s a café not far from here that has the best coffee,” He’s smiling at you so softly, how could you say no?

It’s awkward. Neither of you quite being able to look the other in the eyes. Jeonghan orders you both a sandwich and coffee, leading you to a table near the back, presumably so you could both cry in private. When you’re both seated and let the silence sink in, he takes a deep breath and looks at you.

“I love you.” he says firmly, he had one shot at this and he was going to make sure you heard him, “I am completely, madly, helplessly in love with you.” Your breathing hitches as you stare back at him; no one had ever said those words to you before.

“Joshua told me how you were feeling but I’m telling you no. Don’t give up on us, because I’m in love with you and I think you love me too; and I know it will be hard and long and i’ll probably make a mistake sometimes but it’s worth it, because I love you so much and I don’t want to let you go.”

It’s overwhelming, but for once it’s not the scary kind. Everything feels warm and safe, sitting here with Jeonghan, who’s telling you all these things you’ve only ever dreamt of hearing and knowing that he’s being sincere and that you feel the same. His eyes are glassy as tears start to build up the more he speaks, telling you everything and hoping that you’ll accept him.

You can’t speak, not sure of what to say that could possibly get across how you feel, so you do something that you’ve been wanting to do for months. You reach over the table and wipe away a stray tear from his cheek, placing your hand down on his hand and softly rubbing circles across his knuckles. You’re still wearing the gloves he bought you but the action is enough for Jeonghan to know what you’re thinking. Tentatively he flips his hand over, linking his fingers with your own and you both start sobbing.

---

Over a year later and so much has changed. Over time and with Jeonghan’s help you managed to open up more and more. TA becoming less of an obstacle in your relationship. Holding hands on your walks through the park; experiencing your first kiss, which went from quick pecks on the cheek to full on make outs; even cuddling at night became a regular occurrence. You’d let him in. It felt good to have someone, other than Joshua, that you felt comfortable enough to touch; suddenly the world became less lonely and a little brighter. Your skin a little warmer and overall you were just happier.

Of course with the highs, came the lows. There were still struggles and it did put a strain on your relationship every now and again. Sometimes, when your anxiety peaked, you couldn’t even let Joshua touch you; or when you’d both been busy with work for a while and not seen each other, it took some time to open back up again. But together you pushed through, and things had never been better.

Not long ago the two of you had decided to get an apartment together, somewhere closer to Jeonghan’s work than his and Cheol’s old place. It was another milestone for you and things couldn’t have gone better. All the boys had helped you both move, and by second night everything was set up. Jeonghan was your forever. This was your forever, and you couldn’t wait.

Naturally you were starting to want more, so of course you knew Jeonghan must have been feeling the same. It had been so long and he had been so patient; but it was getting harder to ignore the subtle poking in your back every morning or the way your panties would be damp after a particularly heated make out session on the couch.

You were more than ready to take this next step, you just didn’t know how to bring it up.

You’re both lying on the couch, legs entangled, watching some movie Joshua had recommended. To be completely honest you had no idea what was happening in said movie, far too distracted by the way Jeonghan’s chest moved up and down with every breath he took; the way his lips curled ever so slightly when he found something funny; how his fingers had been toying with the hem of your t-shirt for the last 20 minutes.

Feeling suddenly needy and confident, you stretch your neck up and place a soft kiss on the side of his neck. Jeonghan looks down at you in shock at your sudden boldness, but there’s a smirk on his face that says he liked it

“Are you okay?” he asks, brushing his fingers through your hair. You do it again, moving higher towards his jawline.

“Need you,” you murmur against his hot skin, kissing him again and feeling his jaw twitch beneath your lips, “I want you Hannie.”

You look up at him with big eyes, trying to convey what you needed, but Jeonghan was still hesitant. Of course he’d wanted to be intimate with you for so long, but he didn’t want to pressure you or move too quickly; but here you were, right in front of him, saying that you needed him and he could feel his resolve quickly melting away.

“Are you sure? Like, really really sure Y/N?” he asks nervously, not wanting you to say no but also scared that you’ll say yes.

“I’m ready Hannie, I want this, please,” and that was all he needed to pick you up and take you into the bedroom.

Everything was slow and careful, Jeonghan wanting to take his time and show you how much you mean to him; it being your first time, he wanted to make it memorable. He slowly pulled off your clothes, letting his fingers dance on the skin beneath. Your body shivered at the foreign feelings; his lips on your stomach; his hands dragging your underwear down your legs; it felt good. He was gentle, treating you as if you were the most delicate thing he’d ever seen, making sure not to go too fast and overwhelm you. Feeling brave, you reach out and tug on his t-shirt, lifting it over his head before throwing it to the side.

You touched him. Fascinated by the warmth of his bare skin, the bumps and curves, you traced your fingers across his entire chest, causing Jeonghan to moan softly. Once he’d removed the rest of his clothes, he grabs a condom from one of the bedside draws and you smirk up at him. He’d been ready for this, you think.

“What?” he questions the look, loving the attention you’re paying him,

“Nothing,” you whisper back, “I love you.”

When he thrusts into you for the first time you’re left breathless; it was a feeling you’d never experienced before and you wanted more. Slowly, Jeonghan starts to move, checking everything was okay before he made any movements, making sure you were comfortable. And you were. You had never felt as safe and as loved as you did right now. The whole time Han whispers praises and how much he loves you into the crook of your neck; while you drag your fingers down the space of his back, feeling the muscles underneath move with every thrust.

Soon enough you’re overwhelmed with emotions as you feel yourself come, tightening around him and moaning loudly into his shoulder; only for him to follow soon after, kissing you deeply and holding you close.

Afterwards, you’re lying on Jeonghan’s chest, softly tracing patterns on his skin.

“You’ll never want to stop touching me now,” he jokes, doing the same on your back and feeling your heartbeat mirror his own through his chest.

“You’re right,” you play along, kissing his chest and snuggling up into his neck.

“Good,” he whispers back, relishing in the feeling of having you so close as you both drift to sleep.

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pinkbutterfly84 · 4 years

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Scorpion Season 1

I have watched Scorpion several times and thought I would post about each episode, favourite moments, quotes, thoughts questions I have!

This will be heavily quintis based as I love their relationship ❤

Not done this before so here goes.........

1.01 - one of the best pilot episodes I've seen was hooked from the start. Loved seeing the relationships from the beginning Happy and Toby had chemistry from the start

Sneaky cameo from the real Walter o'Brian, caring Paige, OCD Sylvester, Cocky Toby, Insensitive Walter and Snarky Happy

Question: is that how Eddie runs or does he run like that as Toby always makes me laugh?

Favourite scene - server scene with Happy and Toby it showed Toby's unique profiling skills

Favourite quote Happy " I hate you" Toby "no you dont"

1.02 - start to see the characters back stories Toby with his gambling, Walter and Megan, Happy being abandoned and remembering it and Cabe and the loss of his daughter

Happy seemed jealous of Toby keeping current with his ex fiancee

Toby bites his nails when he is nervous or worried you see it for the first time in this episode

Favourite scene - happy and toby in the truck talking about love

You see Happy sharing personal details with Toby starting to show the depth of their friendship

Favorite quote - Toby "Earl knows his way around a hoagie"

I love that Sly gives his pay cheque away money isn't everything

Loved meeting Megan bought out a softer side of Walter

Wished Toby was at the BBQ instead of gambling think he realised it was ok to move on from Amy

1.03 - meeting Merrick for the first time who doesn't like Scorpion

Happy assaulting a Marine is hilarious

Happy feeling up Toby to take money is a good insight into their future

Happy and Toby reading together is so cute

Favourite quote - "be determined to have a great day and you will"

"Mensa please there are pornstars in mensa"

Favourite scene - end scene Scorpion is a family like a Cyclone

1.04 - Walters interpersonal skills in this episode are seriously lacking from how he speaks to Toby to his flippant dismissal of the card dealer

The way Walter speaks to Toby is out of line gambling is a risk one Walter wanted Toby to take how is it his fault he lost the money. Walter said some hurtful things to Toby it must of hurt to hear them from his supposed best friend

First sign of Toby's attraction to Happy when he makes a comment about having worse views when following her in the vents

Favourite scene - Happy and Toby zip lining to the casino showed happy's skills she made it look so easy and the start of Tony saying 'oh my........'

Favourite quote - "I'm like a blind man at a peep show what's the point"

1.05 - I love this episode get to be introduced to Mark Collins and see Happy truly angry and Toby starting to understand how to help her

Favourite quote- "if this nuclear powerplant doesn't melt down the team might"

Favourite scene- the end scene with the look between Toby and Happy

To me this episode is the starting point of Quintis from the note passed between them to Toby defending Happy to Collins to 'that look' between them at the end. I think that look is when Happy starts thinking of Toby as other than a friend

Question - do you think Happy kept the note? I like to think she has a keepsake section of a toolbox and things like the note goes in there

1.06 - I like how this episode switches between the physic evaluations and the story. It shows how the team all rely on Walter and how much respect they have for him

I feel like Walter uses his lack of emotions as an excuse for his actions

Quick cameo from Hetty from ncis - the dress on Paige looked amazing

This episode also sees the start of Tony's obsession with Happy dressing up

First introduced to super fun guy Sly's love for the action hero is a great character arc

Favourite quote-"you cant make an omelette without breaking a few eggs" or "just starting to see the scope of what's to be done"

Favourite scene-Toby getting crushed by wine bottles gets me everytime

1.07 - The team meets Drew, Ralph's dad the first of several interlopers into the team

Toby's keen perception skills pick up Happys feelings on not knowing her dad. Happy shreds Toby's finding but obviously regrets it and puts it back together

Seeing how much the guys care about Ralph and the impact of Drew coming back is really sweet

Favourite scene- Toby listening to 'Brandy' and singing in the car. Downloaded this song myself love that this show opened my eyes to new music

Favourite quote- "I'm gonna slap it like ot owes me money" or "I'm so turned on" or "serious as a pink freen and dont call me Shirly, BAM that's how you do it Cabe"

1.08 - why does Toby seem so excited to go into a crime scene?

Toby working up the courage to ask out Happy is a very 'normal' fear it puts him out of his comfort zone

Toby in a suit looking fit!

Question - how do you think Happys date went? I like to think she calls Toby after as it went so bad that they meet and go for pie or something

Favourite scene- Paige singing Kat has a really beautiful voice

Favourite quote- Paige"so him jumping the fence" Toby "he's meditating"

1.09 - this episode gives you a back story to Cabes character and his strong family values

Walter has a surprising EQ moment giving cabe the letters Rebecca wrote

Favourite scene- there wasn't one scene in this episode that stood out for me but Robert Patrick's acting definitely was the best of the episode

Favourite quote- "dear lord thank you for this gift"

Walter seems alot more in tune with his emotions and understanding other his relationship with cabe grew during this episode

1.10- probably my favourite episode of season 2

Loved seeing Megan and Sly interact and there friendship develop

Happy must be starting to feel safe around Toby to fall asleep on his shoulder and let her guard down

Walter doesn't know how to process peoples emotions of grief

The end Happy and Toby scene shows Happy needs time and in her way asks Toby not to give up

Favourite quote- ' I'm Happy' ' and I'm dying but you don't see me telling everyone'

Favourite scene- Happy and Toby on the rocks where Toby is sorting Happy's ankle. Toby is being truthful about his feeling and Happy is not sure how to react so they default to there defense mechanisms of wise cracks and putting up a shield

1.11 - I hate to love this episode any episode where Sly is hurt shouldn't be such a good episode but seeing how each member of the team deal with his injuries gives a real insight to their characters

I would of really of liked to see Toby tending to Sly at the scene he always deals with these emergency situations well

Love Megan...... just saying

I like how Toby walks to Happys truck like being by her possessions soothes him

In so many episodes Toby supports Happy and provides comfort in his own way but on this episode Happy is there for Toby when he is struggling to process the events

More scenes with Toby in his underwear please 🔥

Favourite quote- 'I'm taking a minute' ' we dont have a minute' 'I'm taking one any way'

Favourite scene- the end scene where the team are reading comics around Sly bed

1.12 - there are not many episodes where I actually like Walter but this is one of them what he does to save the boy is amazing and shows he doed have feelings

One of the few if only episide I dont like Sly when a kids life is at risk his insecurities should take 2nd place

Love Christmas episodes even with Black sabbath

Does anyone notice Toby putting his hand on Happy's shoulder in the cave to comfort her

Happy always listens to Toby may not seem it at the time but you later find out she has like going to see her father

I wonder if Toby and Happy spend Christmas day together I would like to think they meet and grab a meal at Kavalskis or have a take away

Toby watching Happy leave the hotel room he knows exactly where she is going I often eat h the background scenes more then the main ones

Favourite quote- ' I watch you work sometimes' 'thank you for making this creepy'

Favourite scene- Ralphs present and where Paige gives out her Christmas ornament gifts so many funny quips

1.13 - 1 step forward 2 steps back with Walter this episode shows his naivety with Ralph

Happys face when Toby said he was going to use the van as a make out hut with a lucky lady is it a jealous face or a will that lucky lady be me face??

I love seeing behaviourist Toby just as much as the daft funny one

El Gaupo loves this Sly is hilarious

Favourite quote- 'your no good with your hands, your a spiller'

'I'm rocking so much adrenaline right now my blood is basically redbull'

Favourite scene- this is actually a deleted scene from the dvd out takes happy teaching tobyvto break into a safe and Toby showing her digital surgery shows them wanting to understand each other more

1.14 - love how the genius cannot fathom the text message could be a genuine love messsge

Another jealous moment from Happy the look on her face when Toby ask if the lady owns a catsuit very amusing

Walter looks so uncomfortable talking to Fatima even with Paige in his ear he is clueless

Toby and Happy both looking like they have made an effort in their looks in this episode perhaps for each other??

Question anyone notice how Happy and Toby always stand next to each other or offer yo work together??

Favourite quote- 'did they rush Mozart when he wrote a sonet'

Favourite scene- happy scaling the building 'because she's Happy freaking Quinn'

1.15 - Walter has very selfish view on Ralph potentially moving to Portland he thinks he is the only one who can help Ralph

Toby's skills shine in this episode his facial expressions are hilarious but he manages to stay serious to deal with the situation

Favourite scene- another episode I dont really have a favourite scene it's an ok episode not much Quintis storyline

Favourite quote- 'it's cold hard metal yet so delicate and beatiful' - anyone else thinks Toby is talking about Happy not what she has made

'Andrew' 'its drew actually' 'and Drew is short for what exactly Michael'

1.16- this is a turning point episode for quintis Happy realises Toby is truly interested in exploring something more with her and Toby realises Happy values their friendship and just needs time....... like half a day till the end of the episode lol

Love Paige's outfit would love to be able to pull that off

Favourite quote- 'love can be misspelled and messy it just needs to be given a chance'

Favourite scene- the almost kiss obviously- Happy finally letting her guard down reaching out to hold Toby's hand and almost kissing

I like to think Happy and Toby went out for drinks after - not a date but maybe to talk or Toby to talk and Happy to sit stoically

1.17 - the is a lovely Melvester episode it really shows the love develping between them and the last scene dancing us lovely

I find Walter particularly arrogant in this episode wanting to prove something

Toby's eyes following Happy as she walks up the plane small looks and actions between them hint at a developing relationship

Anyone notice how close Happy stands to Toby when he is sat on the counter they are definitely touching she may even be leaning on him

Toby is so worried about Happy he literally stands by the door waiting for her to come back

Favourite quote- 'a very embarrassed person I just got kidnapped by 4th grader'

'I'm dangling a human being by a bed sheet that is my status'

Favourite scene- where the team are waiting to see if the kid does runner everyone doubting Toby and his skills only to be proven he was right and profiled the kid accurately

I'm actually changing my mind the scene between Walter and Sly is really moving and shows how much they love each other

I always like to think what would happen with the characters after and between episodes at this point I think Happy and Toby would be spending alot of time together after the trips grabbing a beer and pizza getting to know each other away from scorpion

1.18 - an ok episode introduces ferret bueller the team pet

Happy's face when Toby stops the doctor from injecting Walter obviously likes tough Toby making a stand

Favourite quote- 'are we judging people on their past resumes as you were a departmental Santa to help pay for college'

Favourite scene- the kiss...... comes as a shock to us and Toby, he us clearly surprised doesn't know what to do with his hands. If you listen carefully you can hear toby hum in the kiss clearly enjoying it. Happy also doesn't want it spoiling by Toby's analysis hence telling him to shut up

1.19 - Toby leaves his hat behind doesn't want yo loose the present Happy bought him

Happy annoyed at Toby for trying to protect her she has been independent for so long having someone care enough to risk his life unsettles her and she doesn't know how to deal with it

First time Toby really admits how he feels even though he gets an extinguisher in his face Hapy knows what he is trying to say

Song at the end by the old 97's another great song not heard until watching this series

Favourite quote- I'm the gambling expert we be dating

Favourite scene- the last scene with Happy and Toby on the roof they dont even look where the paper plane goes they are going on a date!!

1.20 - oh dear poor Happy poor Toby what an idiot!

Toby being nervous is so cute but poor guy sleeping through his date bad move

I think that Happy wasn't quite in the right place to start dating Toby what he did was stupid but not unforgivable I think she wanted an excuse and she was too scared to get involved and risk getting hurt or risk their friendship and this gave her the perfect excuse to stop it before it went any further

Even when she is mad at him she still wants the closeness by standing next to him and he is the one assisting her on the bus

The fact Happy still calls him Doc 'her name for him' shows she still cares her anger is a defense mechanism because she finally opened herself up and she got hurt something she didnt think Toby would ever do even though it wast intentional

Favourite scene - Toby talking to happy in the bus opening up about his past and his insecurities

Favourite quote- probability theroy dictates you cannot predict the future with absolute certainty but this is an exception there is zero chance she will accept your appology

1.21 - not overly keen on this episode Walter was extreme in his reaction to Cabes secret especially considering his big secret!

Happy is still annoyed at Toby yet she walks over and keeps standing close to him when in the garage

Anyone notice how their actions start to mimic each other - both standing hands in Jean pockets it's like they are in sync with each other

Favourite scene- watching this episode makes me realise there is no favourite scene but it is a great backstory to the next episode

Favourite quote- 'lying billionaire says what'

1.22 - poor Walter doesn't deal with abandonment or trust issues very well

Toby is amazing saving Walter's life without actually touching him

Happy offering for Toby to come babysit with her, she's thawing towards Toby friendship is getting back on track

Favourite quote- 'that dont have the brain power of me with a hangover and him when hes sleeping'

Favourite scene- I love this whole episode keeps you gripped to the edge of your seat

Recap on Season 1

Favourite Episode - there are several which make my top episodes the episode in Bosnia, Love Boat but I think 1.19 is my favourite high action surrounded by fire with so.e lovely Quintis moments

Favorite Scene - Quintis first kiss a moment which had been building fir several episodes

A great first season building all the characters back stories this is my best season for Paige she is still genuine I feel as seasons go on she looses who she was.

I love the Megan and Sky story 2 damaged persons one physically one emotionally finding love

Walter I cant gel with the character I know he is the leas but I find him condensing and arrogant (I'm sorry not a popular opinion I'm sure)

Quintis- this season is all about building their backstory to their relationship they are both emotionally damaged by their pasts. They start as work colleagues and friends, grow to best friends who learn to share and rely on each other and stronger feelings develop.

Toby realises his feelings first and is more open and honest about them, Happy is slower on the uptake and reluctant to be a thing more then friends as she doesn't want to risk what they have. Eventually she gives in to her feelings that kiss and arrange a date. Things dont go well and she quickly retreats back to Angry Happy. After such a close ckmall with Walter I think she realises life is too short and seemingly forgives Toby asking him to babysit with her..... what happens then is left to our imaginations - I like to think they go back to the garage Toby needs someone with him that night to prevent him gambling and Happy knows this. He struggles saving his best friends life not being able to physically help. I think they talk like old friends Toby doesn't push it as he knows the time isnt quite right and they have a night if beer, pizza and chat

Let's see what Season 2 brings .............

#toby curtis #happy x toby #team scorpion #scorpionedit #toby x happy #eddie kaye thomas #jadyn wong #cbs scorpion #SaveScorpion #happy quinn #quintis

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xopheliasunflowerx · 5 years

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So my confession, I didn’t want to hold it back so yeet (long as)

This shit is long, it explains my disorder, some personal symptoms and stories and explains the disorder. You probably won’t read it all, I wouldn’t either but that’s me, I tried not to offend anyone and not everyone does the same thing! Please be respectful if you have a problem PM me

So I have ADHD, and it’s hard to live with. ADHD stands for Attention-Decfict/Hyperactivity Disorder, it’s an attention difficulty with hyperactivity and impulsiveness. ADHD is a ‘neurodevelopmental’ disorder, meaning it’s the brain function. The symptoms can be different in everyone but I’ll name the common ones (I’ll also explain my personal symptoms too)

The Behaviour side: aggression, excitability, fidgeting, hyperactivity, impulsivity, irritability, lack of restraint, repetitive or words/actions.

Cognitive side (memory): absent-mindedness, trouble focusing, forgetfulness, problem paying attention, short attention span.

Mood: anger, anxiety, boredom, excitement and mood swings

It’s also common to have a learning disability with it (which I do) meaning you have to explain things more clearly than already. And depression, meaning you can have depression without having a reason, or you just over think the negatives and think it’s true. As I am diagnosed with ADHD I can easily be depressed just by a simple thing really, for you it may sound dumb but it’s true. I wouldn’t call us ‘attention seekers’ but we sort of are I guess as I want attention but not in a way that we want it. I don’t really know how to explain it but we want attention but we draw attention to ourselves and create a huge mess, well I’m not sure with others but I do.

So these are some of the symptoms explained and some of my personal ones.

You can be distracted easily and absent-minded, which I do. And it’s hard because I have to learn stuff but sometimes it doesn’t make sense and I always ask to be explained to me again and they get frustrated when I don’t get it which is explainable but it makes me feel really upset about it. Like for example I’ll play a game, I had difficulty with Batman: Arkham Knight Riddler race tracks, there was one where you had to glide to click a button but I never understood how. I would get angry and frustrated then finally give up. I did eventually did it and now it’s easy but even the simple things can be difficult to do. I can’t pronounce some words (mainly because something caused that which I won’t explain) and it’s very hard. Math is hard, as it can be for others but I could never do it I would have teachers and students explain to me but I’ll be there like what? I had a tough time with my 3 time tables back in year 5 (fifth grade) and now I’m 18 and I just learnt them (simply because of work) and I’m pretty proud.

I have difficulty in focusing on what needs to be done like writing for an example, I read that people with ADHD can be into something like obsessed then only focus on that (which is me writing for certain people) then we suddenly get bored of it and move on to something else. I get bored very easily that’s why I don’t write as much because I’m bored of writing the same character with some what similar scenarios that’s why I’ve been less writing. It sucks, because I really do wanna write but I can’t be bothered to do or so. Also it can be very hard on focusing on something else rather than the task at hand, we would get distracted by anything, a window, door, pen anything. So I would leave my task unfinished because I have no interest in finishing (a lot of imagines are unfinished because I just can’t be bothered to finish them) and when I do finish they are rushed and unorganised (as having ADHD we are very unorganised and messy my room for an example is a mess).

We would also avoid task that we don’t want to do, like a simple chore or homework. I never did my homework never I never studied either like I never knew how to study and it just bored me, and I would get distracted easily. I would get distracted by the colours of my highlighters and just draw instead. You might be wondering how did you not get a detention? You’re probably not but I’ll tell you anyway, I would say I forgot it or I would never go to detention and I would always hide.

I happen to forget a lot, it’s terrible really I also happen to lose things very easily. So when I mis place something I get frustrated easily because I remember putting something somewhere else. Like example, when painting I happen to put my rubber (eraser) somewhere say it’s next to me for an example then when I’m looking for it I can’t find it and I get annoyed. Then I find it and I go back to what I’m doing. That happens A LOT! I did it last night with lip cream I put it on my bed and I went for a shower then suddenly it’s gone, I can’t remember where I put it. Memory isn’t my friend. It’s hard having a memory of a literal gold-fish because we need to remember stuff especially if it involves something important or family/friends, like I keep forgetting how old my parents are and when my dad’s birthday is which is terrible.

I happen to fidget a lot, it’s annoying for most people but it’s something for me to be distracted by. No fidget spinners are not something I fidget with, they’re not right for me anyway. I usually fidget with my hair (I twirl my fingers with it) a pen or I drum my fingers against something. People mistake that I’m nervous when really I’m not, I even got threaten by my teacher that she’ll cut my hair if I continued twirling my hair (which I actually don’t remember that). But you can tell when someone with ADHD is nervous, reading facial expressions and if they’re shaking like if they’re playing with their fingers watch carefully are they shaking, sweaty, also if it’s sort of faster than usual. I would drum my fingers against my thighs in a fast pace when I’m nervous. Also usual symptoms for nervousness, lip biting, no eye contact, looking around the room, is common too (well as I do it). I was having a very bad anxiety when I saw well... I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend because we’re not dating so uh significant other maybe coming into my friends car as we were picking him up. I was nervous as hell, because well I didn’t shower, didn’t brush my hair or teeth (because I was sleeping over at a friends house unexpectedly) and I usually get nervous around him. I tapped my fingers against my thighs to calm myself, I looked around then stared at the window. He then grabbed my hand and squeezed it to comfort me, I then played with his fingers to distract myself once again.

Now this one really pisses people off, I repeat what I say only because I don’t remember telling people before. I would tell a story to a friend and then they’ll say yeah you already told me that. I get all awkward and embarrassed about it feeling super dumb for repeating it, I only recently found out that’s a symptom for having ADHD and I’m actually surprised because I thought it was just me. But I understand that it’s clearly annoying for others to hear the same thing over and over again. I don’t mean to repeat myself, and I feel so dumb when I do but my memory just likes to leave a lot. Forgetfulness is horrible when you’re in a relationship too, like I told him (significant other) my middle name and I never knew I did until I actually found the messages and I told him again like three weeks after I felt really stupid, but he didn’t say anything and he just stared at me weirdly.

So being ADHD is a mess, we can’t organise for shit. I probably already explained this but there’s a symptom of me having ADHD. I would be ready and organised for writing then suddenly it turns out something way worse than I imagined it to be which is why I take SOOOOO LONG writing. I have some friends with OCD and I find it hilarious just to annoy the shit outta them, they won’t come to my house anymore because of my room. So when I find out someone has OCD I’m a bully to them, but I only move things around imperfectly and then I stop for awhile then I do it again. I only do it for fun not just to be mean, they get back at me in their own ways. Like a guy at work who is 6’3 teases me about my height 5’2 which I don’t really care, because i then pull out the mustard packet and put it into the ketchup packets which annoys him, he gets me back by saying how forgetful I am.

So when talking to me in person is a difficult task, I would see your lips move but I won’t hear anything as I just space out, I try to pay attention but I just can’t. I would ask them to repeat it for me and then I would listen sometimes. This is annoying to me and everyone, someone would ask me to grab something and I would ask them to repeat themselves like three times until I finally understood what they wanted. Happened yesterday someone wanted pancake lids but I heard pancakes so I thought they wanted me to wrap them up or get more until he told me again which I felt so stupid about it and I finally got them. I apologised but they’re already frustrated with me and customers so yeah. It’s hard, it’s not a hearing thing we just zone out. We try to listen we do, it’s not our fault. It’s harder in relationships but I don’t think I’ve been in a longer relationship to experience that, I also don’t tell them my disorder until i’m comfortable or I need to.

So about that forgetfulness, we also forget to do stuff daily. I forget to eat because I’d be so distracted in something my hunger just jumps out the window. And recently it’s been happening a lot and it’s been worrying some of my close friends and my significant other. But I do feed myself, sometimes it’s motivation to get up and eat and I don’t cook so that’s another reason I don’t eat much. I sound stubborn but it’s true, I do eventually eat when I remember and I eat then I forget later. I don’t have a eating disorder it’s just remembering to eat as we’re distracted. Also I don’t know if this happens to other people with ADHD but when I’m off medication I usually eat a lot and when I’m on it I rarely eat (but I eat). That happened when I was younger now I either eat or don’t when I’m off medication.

Lack of sleep is a big one, I thought I had insomnia but I found it it’s just my ADHD again, there’s no surprise there. Reason we rarely sleep because of that hyper is still kicked in, for me it gets worse at night as I tend to be more active and hyper at night. The mind keeps going as we’re trying to sleep and random thoughts like to come up so we’re always on the internet searching the most random things. So we’re lucky to have five hours of sleep, the most. I did have sleeping medication but they would usually take awhile to kick in and I just barely took them because there’s no point. They would knock out anyone else as my mum took them but they would just work on me.

We would talk more than usual, yes that’s a thing. We talk a lot, we can also change the subject randomly without a warning. So saying we’re talking about dogs then suddenly we change the subject to how does ovens work. We also interrupt others when speaking but we don’t mean to, I would immediately apologise for the intrusion and then go back to being quiet. We can be quiet at points, which could scare some people but we’re just thinking or being distracted by a squirrel or something. We talk a lot when we’re excited about something, when I’m obsessed with something I want to talk to someone about it but they don’t as I’ve already spoken to them about it a lot. Having an obsession is hard because you want to talk to someone about it but when you do you don’t want to talk about that obsession anymore. Yes we easily change obsessions a lot, like last year I was obsessed with Gotham and Teen Wolf And Riverdale, I lost interest in Riverdale there was too much and the first season was better in my opinion. I then got into Detroit Become Human and I loved it, then I got into Harry Potter. Now I’m currently into Spider-Man and the Avengers because WHY NOT!

So I’m gonna list some smaller symptoms that you probably didn’t know but meh. So there’s no such thing as sugar rush or having a hyper mode when you have coffee or staying up late because of it, it doesn’t exist. Because we’re already hyper and active that sugar and caffeine doesn’t effect us at all, but we would get a rush on something else mine was Red Doritos, I would get hyper when I ate those, I don’t now which is good. I forgot my other one which sucks I’ll probably edit it later and add it on. AH YES MOODSWINGS, we have bad mood swings. We’ll be happy then the next thing we’re upset. I think it’s because we’re always day dreaming and absent-minded we can think of the negative things which I do a lot. I end up going through a break down thinking of how much I hate myself, no one loves me, my friends are using me. Dreams also doesn’t help, I had a dream where my significant other asked out my friend which hurt me so much, I didn’t confront him about it because he’s in a different country and the service there is terrible and I don’t want to annoy him with my problems. When in a relationship I always doubt them because of my negative thinking, like why are they dating me, are they using me, are they cheating on me, what hurts most is that they’re not yours and you’re questioning if you can trust them. I told him I have ADHD, but I don’t think he knows what it means, which I will be asking when I see him again (as texting could make it worse) and I want to explain to him. I don’t like to talk seriously with him as we’re only seeing each other but I feel like we need to talk about it, and yes I avoid it and he can always tell that there’s something wrong so I do explain it but I feel like we’re not dealing with it permanently. It also doesn’t help that we’re distant, because it makes it worse and my questioning more severe. I feel like I’m taking it too much and drawing attention to myself simply because of that consent worrying and we’re not dating but he has his reasons and I have mine. Now I’m going off topic about ADHD, but that’s what our negative thinking can turn into. With that it’s harder to make friends and fit in, I couldn’t have just one friend, because I get annoyed with one person for awhile and I try to distant myself from them without explaining and I feel guilty afterwards, It sounds horrible yes but we get bored and want to hang around with others. I haven’t done it in a long time which I’m proud but we do want to hang out with others or just to be alone, we want a new adventure. We do appreciate our alone times, as we’re always day dreaming and just need that peace to relax. But yes we get bored easily of it.

The good parts of having ADHD, there are some good parts, we’re very creative as we’re always day dreaming we create ideas and so on. I find it weird because my star sign is Pisces and I find it weird that having ADHD, and as Pisces are extremely creative and I am but they also day dream a lot which I do. I don’t know I found it weird that Pisces and ADHD are some what similar but aren’t. We see things differently, we look at a plan wall and wonder what would it look like if we threw colours or sparkles on it. We make the simple things into art, and it’s actually easier to write in detail as we can just imagine it. Writing isn’t an issue when you have an idea it’s actually really fun, it just motivation to finish it. Some people can’t think when they’re listening to music, well I can I can think clearly with the sound blasting through my ears, I imagine a scenario sometimes with the song, just depends on the song and who with.

So living with ADHD can be difficult in daily life, but is also useful. It sucks yes, but I’m glad I have it I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of having it but it does help me, well sometimes I guess. I do find the things where I mis place, I do get over my overthinking, and I do eventually remember things. I wish people would do research before judging an ADHD person, we’re not just hyper as everyone thinks we are there’s more to it. If you notice the little things we do you would actually begin to recognise a pattern and connect a dot that those are our symptoms and beware of those in the future. I probably didn’t add a lot of other symptoms but you can research those, I did because I wanted to know. Having ADHD isn’t just an excuse either, it’s a explanation of why we can’t do certain things, I hope some of you understand that. And yes we can be frustrating a lot but take your time with us, we can be patient and if you tell us that we’re making you frustrated and please explain why, we might get angry or upset but that’s us we can’t help it. We will slowly get there, and if we fall we always pick ourselves back up because that’s they way we are taught. I’m sorry for rambling lol just needed to get this off my chest ya know.

#adhd #attention defecit hyperactivity disorder #mental illness #disorders #my expriences #adhdlife #adhd things

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bigbangcowgirl73 · 4 years

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fuck the brain

so for this update, we are going to break it up. make it a little easier...well somewhat..so are going to break over so ill play the OCD card and have sub-categories (:

With that said let’s get started <3

1. Health-- so I think as I have discussed at the beginning of this blog I explained that I have epilepsy and I hate admitting that. I am embarrassed beyond words with it. I use to be a social butterfly, and now the idea of going out to the world and being apart of other things is a little nerve-racking to me. Before July in 2019, we thought that I wasn't going to have any more seizures that it was all fixed and I was “cured” for a better lack of words, I haven't had a seizure for almost 3 years so life was looking good. Now with that said before we all get excited and we try to figure all are asking questions, my neurologist, dr. g requested an EEG in the beginning of the year because I came I told them that I have not been taking my medicine for about 6 months and have been doing just fine. the reason being for this is because I was just simply at first was forgetting then I got didn't have a certain amount so I got behind and then it just turned into me not taking them. Well, when we had the EEG I still had the abnormal brainwaves (a quick explanation on EEG’s..pretty much a helmet of little wires they hook to your head and it tells you what kind of brain waves you have). Not my best day. So I had a seizure back in July I assumed because I was depressed from what learned in April I was taking care of my body, I was sleeping well, not doing the best with my body. Then I had one about 2 weeks ago, after that, I have been anxiety attacks whenever I please, my depression is flying off the walls. So now my neurologist has decided that I need to have a service dog for these reasons. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a couple of years back, but it was never this bad as it is now. so now me having to even think about having a service is kind of hard, because I’ve always been embarrassed with the idea of just almost anyone knowing about it. like if I didn't have to tell a friend about it then I won't. there's been soo many timeeeesss that I thought i have told a friend and then something will happen that it would come up and they wouldn't know a thing about it.

-Love: alrighty so this subtext will be fun. so y’all remember daffy? well, we’re pretty much still in that sloth relationship that I was explaining. and since we still can't think of a better word we’re going to stick with that until I say otherwise alright? good glad we agreed. so when I had my last seizure I was with him and about as close as I could get with a person while having a seizure. he was laying on top of me when it happened. yeahhhh good moment for the sloth and lady sloth right? well, I could remember after it was waking up hurling on his favorite sweater that I was wearing at the time barely getting to the sink and hurling all over that than falling on the floor and wanting to die. then I remember barely opening my eyes, daffy was standing over me he cleaned up my throw up, this is going to be so cheesy but I thought he has to be prince charming he's going to clean up this shit off of me. then he took off the throw up sweater off of me put on a different shirt and carried me to his room. next thing I know i wake up and I don't really remember the rest. I remember bits and pieces but that's about it. I just remember thinking that he may not be perfect and he might have a shitty past, him and I are overly different, but he just might the prince charming I was looking for. bad boy in skinny jeans with a sailor's mouth and can be an asshole sometimes but makes me smile no matter what and makes me feel safe and all these other things that do not fall into this subtext.

-Friendship-- when my friend cotton found out that I had a seizure he didn't really do a whole bunch of what I friend is supposed to do I believe, I mean when my friends have found out in the past they freak out are wanting to know if I'm okay did I die asking weird questions. but cotton he just didnt. and it really pissed me off! and he’s supposed to be my best friend, but he hasn't been one lately. I'm not liking it.

-School-- the school hasn't gotten scary now. my teachers are really supportive but I feel so far behind and I cant remember. and this is the shit part. my neurologist thinks the reason why I'm having such a hard time remembering is that I have PTSD so he is wanting me to go to PSYCHIATRIST..arent those for people who are really fucked up in the head or something? I would see why but I'm not excited about it. maybe I can talk may out of it. I've gone to a therapist before and it did me no good. if anything it did me worse. but now I'm so scared to anything with school because what if I fail what if something goes wrong and it stresses me out so much that I have a seizure or have such a bad anxiety attack that I have a seizure.

2. Friendship/Love- so I was going to split up these two categories but since they collide each other by a lot it would get way too confusing so this seemed easier at the end of the day.

So as you could guess this will have to do with cotton and daffy. pretty fun combination. especially since they both don't like each other. which is super fun. so with that said, cotton since the beginning has talked bad about daffy. and I would just ignore it usually, especially since he would just be talking about his past mainly and I really wouldn't care because when daffy would say anything about he would calmly say its in the past in the past for a reason. he's done that he’s not proud of, was he the best person back then probably not, would probably want to be around him..probably not, but then again knowing bigbangcowgirl lets just 2-3 years ago she would probably still go for it. but daffy just never talked about cotton even though he didn't like him, he knew that he was my best friend he wouldn't. cotton would, I ignored for the most part. there was something I would question, but then daffy would bring down somewhere along the yellow brick road and i would be just fine once again. with my past of shit guys. daffy has been so straight forward and not hidden anything from it so relaxing and he’s been so trustworthy! Cotton has been such a bad friend and it just took me yesterday to put two and two together after daffy was pointing out something towards me and then yesterday I just don't trust him anymore. I'm really pissed. I know my mom and cotton talk and i told her last night when I got done coaching to not talk to him anymore for awhile. I don't want you to talk to him. I don't trust him right now. he's my friend, but I don't like how he’s been treating me and seems to be manipulating you and putting up this front to you and dad.

-Family- those last two sentences kind of collided with this sub-category but that’s fine. so me and daffy decided that we wouldn’t meet my parents for a while cause that would just make it official and legit serious, like would be switching from sloth to penguins. if y’all don't know what that means, I can’t help you. go to google. which was fine by me. I'm a daddy’s girl some even telling my dad about nick was already a little scary. I didn't want my dad to meet another guy I've been seeing for a while until I knew it was going to be serious and would last, so he would stop meeting these pos kind of guys. Well with daffy, they’re outstandingly opposite. like its crazy different. it's kind of funny though. but what gives me the slightest bit of hope is that daffy makes me happy, he takes care of me, he wants me to be happy, for an example, he could’ve cared less if my parents didn’t like him, but since he knows that a big thing to him, it bothers him and he wants to fix it. my father thinks that he doesn’t make me happy just because the only time I have been on the phone with daffy these past couple of days when I was the house we were bickering about stuff. so yeah, if that's your first opinion I could see why, but what he doesn't know is that I've been on the phone with him multiple times, been texting him multiple times, been smiling because of him multiple times, but because I didn't want my dad to know that he existed because of our sloth-like relationship I just said it was cotton cause my dad knows that he’s in n. carolina and there's no way in hell I will be leaving texas just for some boy.

now then, I don't really think my dad will ever like any boy I am with. just for the fact of him thinking no man is good enough for my little girl fact. which is fine I understand that. no biggie. I agree. I'm adorable. but if he has respect for daffy, understands that daffy cares about me respect me, doesn't hurt me emotionally/physically like any other guy has in the past, and makes me happy. then I know that’s all that matters to him.

and another perk is that my mom loves him. she is a little concerned cause she knows that he is a bad boy and has a bad past, but she knows that she he has done what he needs to do make him improve and make him a better man. also now that I have pointed all that cotton has lied about and pulled off his mask that he’s been wearing. daffy doesn’t look bad anymore. now I say that because cotton has been trying to make daffy look bad by comparing those two together. which is one of the major things that I noticed yesterday. one of the biggest things that pissed me off the most.

sloth relationship, or penguin relationship. nobody is going to make my man look bad or talk shit about him especially if I know you and I know what you’re saying and your’ purpose behind it. not okay.

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thefloatingstone · 5 years

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Reminder;

Ross’ parents absolutely spoiled and doted on him when he and Monica were growing up since Ross was a ‘good student’ and constantly used as an example by his parents to Monica, who was overweight as a child, in terms of ‘why can’t you be more like your brother?’

This was only made worse when Ross became an archaeologist and got a PHD, effectively making him not only a ‘doctor’ (although not a medical one) but also giving him a high paying job. Ross was also the sibling that got married first AND gave his parents a grandchild, something they desperately wanted because Ross’ parents are the worst.

Meanwhile, Monica grew up CONSTANTLY trying to EARN her parents’ love and approval. Although he parents were not hateful towards her, her mother especially was one of those people who would only give Monica backhanded compliments or passive aggresive remarks revolving around literally everything in her life. As a child it was her weight, as a teenager it was her weight and the fact that she wasn’t popular with boys, as a young adult after she dropped the weight, it became her love life and her career (she starts the show as a part-time chef) and so it goes on and on and on, where literally NOTHING Monica has ever done in her life is good enough for her mother.

As a result, Monica has codependency issues and even more strongly is extremely neurotic and has a slight “perfectionist” streak to her (read borderline OCD)

Meanwhile Ross grows up as the favourite child and coddled by his mother as a ‘perfect son’. He gets a PHD and gets a high paying job and marries and has a child.

And THEN right at the start of the show it all falls apart. His wife comes out as a lesbian and divorces Ross and gets custody of his son. Ross mopes about this but as soon as Rachel walks back into the picture (who he had a crush on since they were teenagers) he basically IMMEDIATELY stops moping about his failed marriage and seeks out to “win” Rachel.

Ross is actually an incredibly well written character, but unfortunately he is an absolutely terrible person. As a child essentially “competing” with his sister for their parents’ affection and perfectly ok with her getting belittled as they grew u because it meant he could gain the praise. Ross is a spoiled boy who grew up into a spoiled man who is incredibly immature and cannot emotionally handle it when he is denied something he wants. (often times the affection of a women he is romantically interested in). So when he doesn’t get what he wants, he deflects all blame in the situation (something he does CONSTANTLY throughout the show.) having endless excuses for WHY things turn out the way they do (and its never his fault, obviously) or how his actions were actually completely justified, or why he should be forgiven (without EVER really apologising for some really horrible things) or victim blaming the person angry with him when he does something horrible.

Whether never taking responsibility for cheating on Rachel when they were taking some time apart. (I don’t remember if he EVER aplogises for this, as it becomes a running joke for YEARS of him insisting “we were on a break!” as if that excuses him) or the list he made as to “which girl he should date”. As well as a slew of other things like freaking the fuck out when his 4 year old son enjoys playing with a Barbie more than “boy toys”.

Ross is the perfect example of... well....

a spoiled man who grew up being taught everything should be GIVEN to him and nothing is his fault, and as an adult he projects this belief onto women.

And believe it or not, while F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was airing on television, Ross and Rachel was “the most popular couple” on the show.

ffs....

And before anyone who doesn’t watch the show asks no. NONE of the other men in the show are like this. And Ross actually and FREQUENTLY gets called out on his bullshit.

Joey, who is at first shown as a not-to-bright lady’s man and a bit of a perv, grew up with 7 sisters and despite the fact that he enjoys short-term flings has shown more respect for women than Ross ever has. To the point where when HE and Rachel develop feelings for each other, they date for a very brie period before realising they were too close as friends for a romantic situation to work. So they break up and remain exactly the same as they were before the brief period of dating. With Joey never breathing a word of disappointment about it.

Chandler on the other hand grew up with his father who is.... very very gay. Chandler is not gay at all, but is constantly mistaken for gay by people who don’t know him to well. He has very feminine tastes and picked up a few mannerisms, but despite this only has interest in women. However, because he’s an anxious mess, he struggles committing and for a long time is in constant fear that he’ll end up an old man completely alone (which causes him to run back to old, bad relationships). But he never blames the women he dates for his problem. He even complains that he “purposefully finds things that are wrong with the women he dates just so he has an excuse not to commit to a relationship” and laments his OWN issues.

Anyway my point is; Ross is the worst and its not because the show is somehow trying to portray him as a misunderstood romantic lead. He is very purposefully written to BE the worst.

Ross embodies all the worst parts of “that guy I use to date and now can’t stand and I have no idea what I saw in him”.

tldr; if you haven’t watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and have no idea why people hate Ross... it’s because he is way too accurate to some dudes in real life.

#f.r.i.e.n.d.s #thank you for coming to my ted talk #Ross Geller #this ended up being a lot longer than I intended it to be #But it turns out there was a lot to unpack #Anyway F.r.i.e.n.d.s. is very good and has really well written characters with a lot of depth to them #Even Ross #He just sucks is all

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the-anxiety-man · 5 years

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I know you don't typically give relationship advice or whatever but I've got nowhere else to go and this thing I got myself into just makes me feel worse and worse. Ive got a big fat crush on a dude and weve been friends for a while now so we are pretty close. I know for a fact that he doesnt like me and it really hurts to hear him say "I'm so desperate Id date just about anybody" but knowing Im not part of that "anybody" situation. He didnt friendzone me yet, but I dont want to tell him bc 1/4

1) Its pointless and 2) my OCD keeps pointing me back to him all the time and I just have this really strong feeling that hes special in some way... I dont know. I havent been able to find anyone new since I met him (and I Tried, but I ended up in a toxic relationship, so I got out of there quick), and neither did he. We both wake up and go to sleep at about the same time everyday (and neither of us wakes up at the same hour two days in a row). We also have similar values and such 2/4

But I know Im not what hes looking for (currently, at least) and I feel like thats really deteriorating my mental health. Im not jealous of any other girls he talks to, it just makes me feel like a dumbass and it makes the fear that Ill die alone so much bigger and so much harder to ignore. I feel like Im just not that great for anyone. All the guys that liked me in the past liked me as some sort of Phase.. for, like, two months at best. I dont expect anything new anymore 3/4

I absolutely do not want to stop talking to him though. Hes genuinely a good dude and hes the first person that I met that Gets Me™, so were still pretty cool together and I dont want to lose that yet. I just really feel like I found some part of me I never knew I had when we started talking. And I feel like something's missing whenever he's not around. I dont want to lose a friend. Also I'm sorry for my long ass (accidentally public) rant abt Hopeless Love™ I just want some advice on this 4/4

Right.. Your OCD isn’t “pointing you back to him”. Those are your feelings. You can’t use your illness as an excuse for feeling this way bc that’s not even how OCD works.

You’re assuming how he feels. You don’t know that you’re not what he’s looking for, because as far as he’s aware you don’t have feelings for him.

Maybe the only reason he hasn’t asked you out is because you never made the first move. If he hasn’t found anyone else, who knows, maybe that’s because he’s waiting for something to happen between you two. But I don’t know either of you so I can’t say for sure.

If you aren’t willing to take a leap of faith, then I’m sorry but you’re basically just friend-zoning yourself and you’ll never know if it could have happened. If you guys are as close as you say, then yeah maybe he’ll be weirded out for a bit, but your friendship will most likely be similar to what it was before.

And if you don’t want to ask him outright, idk just ask him “hypothetically if we were to date, what would that be like.” and if he answers negatively, you just move your ass on. I’m not saying that lightly. I know what it’s like to have to get over someone I’m close to. To move on means you stop putting him on a pedestal and accept that you guys aren’t right for each other.

Does this sound like advice you’d give to someone else? “I like my friend but I don’t know if he likes me back” “Well then make the first move or you’ll never know. Or just move on.” That’s my 2 cents. You said my advice helped you before. This whole thing might be terrifying to do, but it is logical, right?

Alright, that’s it from me. Good luck kiddo.

#asks #tinylilllnerd

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relaxandlaughatyourself · 5 years

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Recap of Dem and Ika’s IG Lives November 27, 2018

They did two lives totaling just under two hours (she started one before but no one could get in). They were laughing and joking the entire time. They were just happy. Talked about what it was like on the roadtrip as well as the first three days he was there (spoiler alert: hell). But just overall loving and full of light.

She’s answering questions while doing her makeup; she has somewhere to go.

Always gets asked about starting a youtube channel. She says she was nervous to start one because she would google what you need to be successful and she didn’t have any of the fancy stuff. But you don’t really need that... at the start they filmed a lot of their videos on their phone and we still watched. So just go for it.

Someone asked if the kids will be in videos. Made the conscious decision not to put them in the youtube videos, they will be in and out, but not a focus. She’s not sure if she’s ready to expose them to that yet. They’re older and have access and that’s scarier for her. She says they’re always around, but just not always shown; she understands why people ask.

How do you handle negativity online? Easier than handling negativity in real life. After bbcan2 she developed a thicker skin and she’s grown to understand the positive outweighs the negative, and it’s not healthy to focus on the small group of negative people plus is insulting to those who are sending positivity but not getting responses. But you need to know who you are as a person or it will affect you more. She knows a lot of what people are saying is not true, and now it doesn’t bother her much. You have to also be comfortable with just putting yourself out there online because when you do, you’re going to get everything.

How do you handle negativity in real life? She went through a hard time with that recently, and she had to look at the bigger picture. She realized that when it boils down to it, those people play a very small role in her life, and she couldn’t let those people affect her majorly. She had to put it into perspective. If the person has to be in your life, minimize the amount of time that that person is in your life so they’re still not a big part of your life. “You shouldn’t allow someone to be in your life if they make you feel that.” If someone makes you feel that small, their role in your life should be that small. She knows that sometimes your problems can seem bigger when you don’t have too many things going on in your life. That’s what was happening with her; her life wasn’t filled with things she was enjoying at the time, so the negativity was filling her time and it was easily to focus on it. Fill your life with things you enjoy.

Ika: “What?! Why are you lurking?” Dem is there. He was watching her live in the other room but there was a little delay so he’s just going to watch the live live.

She asks Dem if he has any advice for people who have negative people in their life. Dem: “Buy the creams.” She sends him back to the couch.

For an example, she said Rashaud is having a tough time at school with some kids; he grew up in Thornhill, which is predominantly white. For high school he goes to a school that is more diverse, but he is shy and has a hard time making friends and the black kids are picking on him for the way he talks, dresses, etc. She was shocked and never thought about her kids talking or acting one way or the other. She doesn’t have any good advice for that.

Dem wants to make a protein shake and make noise. “He’s serious about that gym life and his little protein shake.”

Gary is in the chat saying her hair is long again. “I know! I need to switch it up for Demetres.”

Relationship advice? She says she gets a lot of messages telling her to be nicer to him. Dem, joking: “That’s good advice.” Ika says they have a really playful relationship and it works, says no one is going to tell her what to do for her relationship. She says they are sweet and nice to each other, but they do have a relationship with joking. Ika: “I’m not going to just do a live and makeout with Demetres. We do that behind closed doors when no one is looking.”

They don’t listen to any one, only take little advice, but they don’t listen to anyone but themselves. The number one advice she can give you is to not take the advice of others. What works for others isn’t going to work for you, every relationship is completely different. Just work toward your own vision of what you want your relationship to look like. There’s no relationship she wants all of.

Dem is on a phone call talking about real estate stuff and such so she wants to be quieter.

She says if someone is giving you relationship advice, it needs to be given to both of you at the same time because you are a team. She doesn’t understand why women watch Dr. Phil alone, their partner needs to be there for the message too. If she watches something by herself, she makes Dem watch it later, or they’ll watch clips together.

How to keep your relationship from not being boring, especially if you don’t have a lot of money? Her and Dem like to find recipies, cook together, eat together and watch a movie. Or they find a new restaurant and try that. Ika says if she goes somewhere and doesn’t eat, it’s not a full experience.

She adds Gary but tells him he has to be quiet. Gary: “Why would you add me? Wait until Demetres is done.” Ika went to ask Dem how long he would be and he apparently gave her the hand.

Gary says he doesn’t feel well, wish him well.

Gary: “Where’s Demetres? I want to say hi. Tell him I say hi.”

Dem is off the call and both Ika and Gary scream.

Gary wants to say hi to Dem before he goes, so Ika goes to get him: “Hi!! I love you! Tell Ika to give me her new number.” (they think he has her number.)

The event last night. The place was called Coofee, Oysters, Champagne (COC). There’s a password and they take you to a secret entrance and elevator, they pull a wine bottle and a door opens. But you’re not allowed to record in the secret room. Ika calls the vibe mobster, Dem says a 20s, prohibition theme. Ika says there were strippers, apparently one caught on fire.

What’s the next step for her and Dem? Dem says this is it! Ika says this is their first Christmas together. But Dem isn’t a Christmas person. Dem: “More people at the mall. Music sucks. Cookies make you fat. I’m like the Grinch, sorry, dear.”

What have Dem learned this year? “I’ve learned a lot, I just can’t put it into words.”

Dem is getting into systems, he wants to put systems in place for everything. He wants a place for everything.

Ika says she wants to film a video of transitioning from an LDR to living together. She says there is a… Dem: “phase”. No one told her about this phase. Dem: “Don’t pretend you’re the only victim of the phase.” Ika says he always cleaned up her mess in Edmonton and he trained her to think that he would, that’s why the bathroom is still messy. Neither one knew Dem was OCD. Ika: “There’s a phase you have to go through to get past that and then be good.” She says you can’t ignore it, you have to talk about it, they had to talk about it.

Ika says she is a morning person, Dem says she gets up early, goes on her phone and blares her shows, but he’s trained himself to sleep through it, but this morning he couldn’t and it was like 530am. Ika wants to start her day right, be around happy; says when Dem wakes up he’s in a strange mood then works his way out of it. When he moved in, she was waking up in the mornings and Dem would wake up and set this sour vibe and it drove her insane, she wanted to avoid him. “I would take Elijah to school by myself, that’s how bad it was.” The Dem said “I moved here for you, it’s going to take time for me…” Ika said that happened on day 3, “it was 72 hours!” Dem says he was living out of a duffel bag, working on transferring everything to Ontario, they had had the flu, and she wanted him to be happy. Dem: “This was a month ago!” Ika: “That first three days was hell.”

She says he would be like “I just want you to help me through this time and be there for me.” Ika: “It was 72 hours!” And he would wake up in a bad mood, “he’d say ‘here we go again.’” She says there is a hump you have to get over.

She says in Edmonton he didn’t care about the bathroom, but now he does. Dem: “Getting to the sink is like Operation. Could be avoided with systems!” Ika: “This is the first time I’ve heard this word – systems. He’s reading books now.”

Dem is a workaholic – he got emails he has to answer so he leaves – the first day he took his test, the second day he got his criminal background check, and the third day he was meeting with brokerages. He was working the first three days, but “he had the nerve to complain about he’s not doing anything, he’s losing money, he was acting like he was a bum.” She says he calculated how much money he wasn’t making. Dem: “It’s systems, you have to know your ROI.” He drove her crazy the first three days because he was having a breakdown. “It’s a transitional phase and it was hard for me!” He’s laughing about it. Ika: “He knew he was moving. He knew this.” He starts to walk away and she grabs him by the shirt, “I’m sorry honey bunches, did I stretch it out?” They smile and kiss. Ika says he didn’t need to be doing all of that so quickly – they got in at 10pm and the next morning at 9am he was taking his test.

Dem’s side: “Now imagine if you had a boyfriend sitting on the couch playing xbox. You want a boyfriend who is a go getter. It could be worse.”

Ika: “He said that he moved here for me – you moved here for us!”

Dem gives a background story: “I lived in Alberta my whole life, Ika thought it would be a seamless move.” Ika says in the movies it looks so nice and easy. Dem: “It’s called acting.”

Dem: “I was living out of a duffel bag for three weeks!” Ika: “You were living out of a duffel bad for three months in the house!” Dem: “It was a big duffel bag!”

On the way to Toronto, “that was three days of hell too because we were sick”, Ika says when she gets sick she becomes an old woman who needs to be taken care of. Dem: “An 86 year old woman.” Ika says she told Dem this and he thought it was cute until it happened. They were both sick and they were at the hotel, and she was complaining because he wouldn’t do anything for her. He went to Walmart with bananas, Nyquil, apple sauce and toast. Ika wanted soup, but Dem googled it and that’s what you’re supposed to eat with the flu. She wouldn’t eat because she was upset, she was crying. He told her to drink the Nyquil but she wouldn’t; he went to take a shower and she drank the Nyquil and ate the apple sauce. After the shower he begged her to drink the Nyquil, she wouldn’t tell him she already did. He found out she did actually drink the Nyquil when they were at her friends and she was telling the story.

Dem says the story has a couple things missing. He says they were both pretty much dead. He asked her what would make her feel better, and she said nothing. Ika said nothing because he didn’t take care of her all day. So he googled what to get. Dem felt so bad at Walmart he had to sit down in the bread aisle. The Nyquil was on the other side of the store and he felt so sick he left the basket by the bread. Then he went back to the hotel and she did what she said. Dem: “I feel like a weight was listed off my shoulders! That was therapeutic. You guys are our couples therapy.” Ika: “It wasn’t my finest hour.”

Ika says that she had to leave Jamaica, leave her family and friends, “I left a whole country, not a province like this one. And he’s complaining! How do you want me to understand? Get over it! I’m not going to feel bad for something you wanted to do.” They’re laughing throughout. Dem: “it’s not easy. I had a lot of friends.” Ika: “And I was understanding until those three days. You interrupted my morning.” Dem: “For three days. My morning routine was also disrupted when I moved here.”

Ika: “There is a transition period and your life will be hell. I didn’t do anything.” Dem: “When she says she didn’t do anything, you know she did something.” Dem: “It was a team effort, the three days.”

Ika says one huge difference between her and Dem is she will pay for convenience. She says if it’s cold she will pay more to park closer, whereas Dem will save the money to park farther away. Dem says he drops her off – Ika: “We just came up with that! You’re lying!” Dem says he will do the math for her on what they save parking farther away. Ika: “Of course he’s going to do the math!” Dem says when it’s nice she can walk, “we can enjoy a walk together.” Ika: “I’m in heels! I would wore stroll shoes!” Dem: “Isn’t it part of the date to walk around…” Ika: “Not if you want to look cute and are in heels! To be a gentleman you don’t make a girl walk two blocks in heels.” Dem: “Never again. Next time I’ll carry you, I have to the wine bar.” Ika: “That was one time and it was after.”

He says they go downtown three times a week and that’s $30 a week to park closer, which he does the math and is $1500 a year, “I’d rather go on vacation. To Mexico.” Ika: “ But you’re not taking me to Mexico with that $1500, so we’re parking closer!” Dem: “When we get our place with two bathrooms you’re going to wonder how it happened. It’s because your boyfriend was smart and parked farther away.”

Ika: “And now he’s turned the kids against me.” Dem: “Yeah, they’re on my side!”

She says people always ask her for a Demetres, “Look at her story, she’s just lying because she doesn’t want people in my DMs. She’s like a goalie in front of my inbox.”

Ika: “I have a good boyfriend, we have a good relationship. Obviously he’s an amazing boyfriend, but I’m not putting it on social media. He’s gonna make you walk in heels, bring you to McDonalds. I’m not going to lie, he’s a really good boyfriend. But I’m not going to throw that in people’s faces. I’m not that kind of person. My friends don’t even know what he does for me.”

Ika: “You love me, you love.” she coos as she rubs his face. Dem: “You’re lucky you’re pretty.”

Ika says that she’s going to hear about the cost of gas to drop her off then drive to the farther parking lot. But Dem says it’s worth saving the money on parking so it’s okay.

She says she’s tired and asks him to help with her makeup. She hugs him and leans against his chest while he takes a brush and puts it across her face. But when he starts touching the eyebrows she’s done.

“We love you. Keep your relationship sacred and safe from these hoes in these streets. As far as they know, your man does nothing for you.”

They say bye and end it.

#I did not reread this so I'm sure it's a mess #ig live

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #135

“on a collision course to hell we march.”

When you make a mess are you more likely to clean it up right away, or do you get to it later? Right away because otherwise it'd fuck with my OCD. Do you like to have croutons in your salad? Ew no. Which do you find more irritating - sunburn or bug bites? Sunburn. What shape/type of fry do you like best [waffle fry, curly fry, steak fry, sweet potato fry, tater tot, etc.]? Just. The normal kind of fry. What’s your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 110. How many contacts do you have in your phone? 15. What pet names do you use with your significant other? The usual sweetie, hunny, etc., but then there's "honeybee" and "bubblebutt." cB What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart. Do you carry any means of protection on you while out in public? No, although I do wish I had pepper spray. Have you ever been inside of a cave? No, I wish. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? No. Did your parents ever show you pictures of you when you were a baby inside your mother’s tummy? I know some exist and Mom was probably pregnant in pictures I've seen in old photo books, but I don't remember any in specific. When you were in school/if you are in school, do you actually share your grades with your parents? If you got/get a bad grade, do you hide it from them? I always shared them regardless. Have you ever learned to play a song on an instrument just by listening to it and not looking at sheet music? No. Is anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? My purse. Your first love walks up to your door, what do you do/say? Considering he has no way of knowing where I live, probably, "And I thought I was the obsessive one" before closing the door. Do you honestly think you could last a week without a computer or cell phone? Oh yeesh no. Do you know anyone who does cocaine? No. At least I hope not. What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? Given my current weight, that I'm a vegetarian. What’s your longest road trip? Like... 11-12 hours? Do you have any videos on your phone? If so, of what? I have one video saved of Sara playing with Jem. It's the cutest thing ever. Do you think that your bedroom is a reflection of your personality? Or would people look at your room and misjudge you? It's a good reflection. Do you follow the ‘five second rule’ when you drop food on the ground? No. Food falls, not touching it. Does it bother you when people make weight comments? This depends. Your doctor? Without being condescending or anything, of course they should. Otherwise, unless you are asked by this person to give your genuine opinion, keep your mouth shut. What’s a quality that your sister has that you absolutely can’t stand? I won't say which sister, but she's not appreciative enough of what she's given. Have you ever been caught right in the middle of a rain storm outside? Yep. In the summer afternoons especially, it can start pouring down within like five minutes of clouds forming. When was the last time you visited the park? Who did you go with? February to take anniversary pics for Ash and Nick. Mom and my niece and nephew were there, too. Do you live in a town where basically everyone knows everyone else? No, we don't really live in a "town" area. Are your grandparents the kind who are very protective of you? No. Which singer’s vocals would you love to steal? I've only heard "Skin and Bones" by her band, but probably Layla Brooklyn Allman. Fucking gorgeous voice but also has one badass roar. Have you got a hairdresser that you can trust? Yeah, I've seen the same woman since like middle school. Do you like the smell of BBQs? Yes, even though I hate barbeque. Who would you really like to become better friends with? There's a lot of people. But of anyone, probably Priscilla. Do you personally know anybody who has more than five tattoos? Yeah. How big is your bed? Queen. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Do you think it’s important for children to have a father figure in their life as they grow up? ...it’s more important the child grows up feeling loved and valued than exactly who is doing the raising. <<<<< This. Do you include your middle initial in your signature? No. Have you ever imagined how it would feel kissing a certain someone? Yes. /v\ Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yes. What is the population of the city you live in? Around 5,300 lmao. We're tiny. If you could have one more pet, what? If I didn't have a rat the answer would be a cat, but since I do, another ball python. Something you want to buy real bad? Gimme another plane ticket and the money for the tat I want. Something you would NEVER buy? Drugs. What do you think will happen when you die? Hopefully I'll see a peaceful, beautiful afterlife where I'm with all I love who've passed. Could you wait until marriage for sex? I tried to. Now I kinda just shrug at the idea of being abstinent. I mean if you're in love with the person, stable in your HEALTHY relationship, and use protection, go for it. What was on the last sandwich you ate? A pb&j forever ago. Aaaand now I want one, but fasting hours have started. What pet names do you use with your significant other? Oh god I call her a lot. "Pretty woman," "honeybee," "love(ly)," "sweetie, "hunny," "baby/babe," aaaand "bubblebutt" will always be The Supreme. What brand is your toaster, if you have one? We have an OOOOOLLLDDD-ass toaster oven, idk what it is. Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? For less than a day, and now, no. How would you describe your sense of humor? Sarcastic, I guess. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yeah, Nicole. Do you currently have any bruises on your body? Yeah, my knees are pretty bruised from getting down daily to exercise. Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? Ye, multiple times. A solar one? No. Do you know anyone who writes huge essays when they message you? Lmao Sara and I can both do that sometimes. Do you think your first love still loves you? Nope. Are you a money saver or spender? Quickly learning I'm a saver. It's so, so rare I obtain money so I save that shit for something I really want. Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes. Are you someone who has to analyze everything? More like over-analyze. What's the last thing that scared the hell out of you? Hm... that REALLY scared me that bad, probably when Sara was having a strange health issue. Who is the last person you pushed out of your life? Why? My old best friend because she's honestly a toxic piece of trash towards others. Do you have any awkward music downloaded on your iPod? Lol yes. People would raise eyebrows. Have you ever been to church? What was it like? I grew up going to church and did sometimes with the family as a teen, and I always thought it was boring. Has a member of the opposite sex ever seen you naked? Yeah. Do you use an umbrella when it rains? No, unless one's available and it's pouring. What articles of clothing have you been wanting to buy/did you buy recently? Homie I've wanted a leather studded jacket since middle school. Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No. Are you afraid of speaking to large audiences? YEAH. If you could either be fire resistant or breathe underwater, which would you rather be capable of? Breathe underwater. Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? No. Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? Ugh yes. If you have any piercings, who did them? Different people, but all professionals. Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailer? No. Do you know someone who had completely changed for the worse when he/she started hanging out with another person? If so, who? Yeah, his name's Jason. Have you ever been pulled over, but just let off with a warning? No. Have you ever taken shots? (of alcohol) No. Have you ever had to evacuate somewhere do to a fire/flood/some sort of threat to safety? If so, what happened? No. Do you like mash-up songs? I don't listen to them enough to know. Have you ever played a real pinball machine? Pretty sure yes. What is the saddest thing that has happened to you? Attempting suicide. What about the happiest? Realizing my ex no longer had any power over me. What do you consider to be a bad grade? Low C. Who was the last person you slow danced with? Jason. Do you say "like" a lot? No. My younger sister can say it in almost every sentence and it drives me insane. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? I wouldn't be able to. As someone who knows the pain of them, I just couldn't handle it. Do you ever go into photobooths? I have before. Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. Has a pet ever stolen food from you as you were eating it? No. Are you more comfortable kissing a boy or a girl? I haven't kissed a girl on the lips yet, but I can almost guarantee I'd be more comfortable kissing one than a boy. Are you waiting for something? Come. On. June. 12th. Have you ever kissed someone and hated it? He kissed me and I hated it. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No. Who in your family is the hardest to please? Nicole, probably. Would you ever pierce your “private” areas? NONONONONONONONO WHY DO PEOPLE- What type of humor do you find funniest? Dry or clever. What types of things fascinate you? BOY. Nature, CAVES, space, oceans, certain animals... lots. Are you ever rude to people on purpose? Depends on my mood/the subject... If you're being a piece of shit to me, I may be unpleasant back. Or I kill with kindness. What kind of place would you want to raise your children? I already want to live in the woods, but if I had children, it'd be even more important to me to live with an abundance of nature. I'd want to raise them to enjoy it and ESPECIALLY respect it. I'd also want to teach them to have fun with other than just technology, and giving them a big chunk of the outdoors would help. Will you hold hands with the last person you held hands with again? YEAH. Has your father met the boy you currently love? *girl. Not yet, but hopefully will next month. Why did you last cry? I was extremely lonely and sick of how dull and repetitious my days are. Do you eat raisin bran? Omg I hate raisins. Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad? Either one. What serial killer do you find most disturbing? I'm not very educated on serial killers. Isn't there one who wore other people's faces? That'd be high on the list. Have you ever written or received a suicide note? Ugh. I wrote one. Do you have the same color hair as your siblings? Yes. I think we ALL have brown hair. Do you have the same color eyes as your siblings? My only siblings who has blue eyes is Bobby. What is your favorite type of cat? Persians. What’s your opinion on tattoos in the workforce? How about piercings? Get the fuck over it. They have no impact on the person's personality and work ethic. It's WAY past time we drop that shit. Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? Why or why not? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* IF A CHILD IS HUNGRY FUCKING FEED THEM LIKE GODDAMN HAVE WE FORGOTTEN WHAT BREASTS ARE FOR. How many times is your cartilage pierced in your ears? It was done once, but it closed when I had to take it out at the hospital.

#survey #quiz #questions

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