bigbangcowgirl73

[bigbangcowgirl73]

im tired

im tired..

tired of feeling like I have to be perfect all the time

tired of feeling like no guy can admit their feelings for me cause once they do they’ll change their mind and run

tired of being in the middle of family drama and can’t be out of it

tired of feeling alone in this world

tired of feeling like i can’t do anything right anymore

tired of feeling like a hypocritcal person when i hate hypocrties themselves

tired of not eating healthy

tired of not living up to my goals that i promise myself

tired of not taking care myself 

tired of not doing what’s right in this world

tired of thinking death is the right way out

tired of thinking no matter school will never be finished 

tired of thinking i can never have a social life

tired of thinking my dad will never be proud of me...i’m just another fuck up of a child he has to own up to

tired of knowing that i can’t see my horse

tired of being depressed and having anxiety and i can’t control it

tired of taking drugs

tired of epilepsy

tired of knowing i dont have control

tired of thinking i’m just wrong at all things in this

tired of knowing no matter what i do..i’ll wake up in the middle of the night considering suicide in the exact same way no matter how happy i was 30 minutes i was..it’s always on my mind..

i’m just tired

i can’t control anything myself right now.

i can’t do anything anything anymore

i can’t do whats right

i dont know whats right and wrong

i cant get rid of this feeling 

i cant fight this evil side of me and get rid of this devil that lives in me for years and years on end

i cant live anymore 

i can’t fight myself

i can’t feel strong

i’m tired of acting perfect

i’m tired of acting of be thought of this happy indiviual when i’m this weak link who doesn’t care for herself and wants to die and be done for

[bigbangcowgirl73]

im just nervous about the world 

there’s seems to be something off with me and i dont know what. I feel like something is going on and I don’t know what it is. i got my birth control out and a while before that i was worried about it but now i’m getting more worried. now i’m just even more worried. i just have a bad feeling about something and it’s worrying me. 

what worries most is how he’s going to reach. what is he going to do? is he going to stay? is he going to leave? 

i think he’s going to leave sadly. part of me think he’ll stay just cause he wants to be there but i also think that he doesnt want a family and doesn’t know what to do especially since it would be his blood child. 

part of me thinks i’m just over thinking since life seems to be going so good almost, but at the same time, something doesn’t feel right. 

im probably freaking out, but sadly i dont have anyone to talk to about this and i know if i talk to someone about any of this there going to tell me to calm down and i’m freaking out which is fair cause i think i’m doing the same thing

but i just trust me when i feel like this. 

at the end of the day though we’ll find out at some point if i am 

[bigbangcowgirl73]

[bigbangcowgirl73]

im just here

this corantine is just making me go crazy. my anxiety is going crazy it is standing on a grain of rice. spring semester is coming to an end. my acne is shooting out of its’ asss. i just took one final and i made a 48/100. thats not good for those of you that aren’t in college. daffy was here when i started crying and freaking out and he was just not comforting what so ever. its annoying. im crying. im a girl. COMFORT. like i was crying that something he doesn’t understand and yes in the real is it not that big of a deal yes it is obivously, but the symbolism of it that falls behind is what makes me cry. and just need a hug. what’s so sad about my life right now is that with daffy is going through a lot and i knew bits and piecs and i can put some of it together but other parts i just don’t cause he wont open up to me and talk to me..i dont get why. I know he says that he keeps everything but i know thats not true i know he’s opened up to other people i’ve been in the room when he’s talking to them. 

i’m going to real pathetic (this a squirrel moment lowkey) but he’s freind with this other college and i dont know much about her but i’m complete jelaous of her. she’s in medical school which is what i’ve always wanted to do for one. any time i here her talking to daffy he’s melting in her hands and is willing to do anything for her and gives her pep talks for school. he doesn’t do that for me, he doesn’t give me little pep talks or nothing. 

I just wish he would almost have more respect for me in my school struggles in some way cause it doesn’t like he does at moments and he just looks at me as some little girl who goes to school and lives off of mommy and daddy and is a lazy ass. 

what’s bad is i feel like after some things that went down these past couple of days between us i wouldn’t be surprised if he was to be with her all of a sudden. he would choose her over me like everyt other guy in this world. every jother person lets be honest here. 

what’s sad is i know my problesm are pathetic. cause they are. i’m 21 years old. and daffy loves to remind me of that. he seems to always forget that which sometimes is a slap to the face in somways. 

another thing i think bothered me is that he wants this other girls parents get to know him. thats another one.

he seems to be more respectful towards and would do everything for her   acutally i know he would he said so. 

he probably wouldn’t do that for me at the end of it all. i know he doesn’t care for his ex but sometimes i wonder still if im just here and he’s neveer going to feel anything for me. he thinks he does but at the same time he says all the time that he feels nothing for naything. ?Okay? 

If i fail one class then i’m on my own. i lost my job cause of the COVID i have nothing else to do. i can’t afford to where i live. i will be screwed. i have anxiety for a reason im not freaking out for fun

[bigbangcowgirl73]

me atm

break it down now y’all

[bigbangcowgirl73]

am i reading too much into this or being a straight bitch?

this covid bullshit is fucking crazy. its all over a fucking cold also. i understand to a point on it, yes it has killed many people, yes it is hurting our country. another thing that isnt hurting our country is the way we are reacting to it! raiding the grocery stores acting like we can’t come any where near one another, threats of murder and robbing and attacking eachother for food and other things. that is what is going to kill this world. not this disease, the fact that people are wanting to look over into this. the threats that have now over come into this would haven’t of showed up if people would’ve stayed calmed, but instead people don’t want to do that. 

now that i’ve said that little bit i just need to get this other littlebit off of my chest..

what i dont undeerstand is that daffy is willing to drive or fly to california where his ex and her kid lives where he thinks that he’s going to be able to save them and help them. if things get so advanced in this world then i highly doubt he’s going to be able to do that. planes for one are already limiting theyre flights. another thing is what does he plan to do when he gets out there? run? dont get me wrong i have no idea what i’m going to do if suddenly shit gets bad as the rumors are saying that they are. do i really think its going to happen. i dont know. i dont think so. i know i have god on my side and that’s all i can really hope on right now. but lets look back at the other evidence from the past? she saw him bleed out and she didn’t do a thing about it, what is she going to do if its in front of her? is she going to at least some what try and help him. no she doesnt give a fuck. another thing she left him for another guy my guess is and this is just coming from another girl but i would think that she’d rather be with that guy than anything else than with a guy that she thinks is crazy and doesn’t want anything to do with. sooo i dont think his thoughts are really thought through  is this me saying that id rather him save me and be my prince charming. no cause that shit doesnt exist. especially in my world. why the fuck would it. 

not to add the fact that he doesnt love me. he’s heart broken over her not moved on from her and is probably in love with her. no scratch that. he still is love with her. and the more i think about it the more i know that if it came between me and her he’d save her. i’m nothing to him at the end of the day. 

either way though what do we know we will never know. cause what do we know is only just what we want to know and what we want to believe whether we like it or not

[bigbangcowgirl73]

Why do I feel like I can never do anything right for you.

I have been there for you through everything. When you cut yourself and she didn’t care. I cared.

I’m there for you all the time. You talk to me about her even when I don’t want to hear about her. But I know you need to talk about her according to you.

You say you moved on and so on but that’s not true. You think that. You move 10 steps forward then 20 back.

You call me your girlfriend. Your baby. Your girl. Your woman.

But then you say how I don’t care about you. I’ll never love you. I shouldn’t love you.

Then when you look at her social media cause you don’t have her off your mind like you pretend you do. You change into a man I don’t want to know.

You’re mean you’re vicious.

You say you aren’t mad. You’re disappointed. That’s a lie.

What you said to her is something that comes from anger.

If you weren’t mad then wouldn’t of yelled at me for no reason just now when all I was wanting was something simple.

I was just wanting to know if you were going to pull another all nighter but suddenly I’m in the wrong for caring and being told not to care what you do and leave you alone.

I don’t do anything right.

I’m not her. I never will be. You say you don’t compare me to her but you do. You hurt me in the smallest ways and idk why I let you do that. It hurts me. It doesn’t feel good.

I thought I could love you. I thought you could love me.

I don’t think you will ever even want to be with me.

You say you love me. But do you?

You say these things and act upon those actions. You do.

But then you flip which makes me wonder if it���s all an act once again.

I’m afraid of losing you. But at the same time.

I know I’m doing nothing wrong. Yet I feel as if I am.

Why do you do that to me.

[bigbangcowgirl73]

life is life. 

love is confusing. school is hard. and healthiness is never perfect. life is never perfect. I haven't talked to my best friend in over a week especially when I need him at my most. daffy is dealing with a lot and he says that he's more worried about me and wants to be there for me and not to worry about what’s going on with him but I'm too worried about what’s going on with him to bother him with him my issues. if I tell him my issues and how I’ve been thinking about my “experiment” again then he’s never going to want to leave my side, he can’t do that. especially since he’s already confusing me in the love life world. he tells me that he loves me and calls me and tells me how he wants to be with me and wants to be my boyfriend but he’s scared that he’s going to hurt me or make me bad, cause he’s bad, and so on, but I think it’s just bull shit in some form or fashion. maybe that’s not fair. IDK. all I know is that this past couple of months he’s one of the few things that’s been really keeping me grounded sadly, maybe that’s why I'm still keeping myself so closed off from him. I don't want him to baby me and look at me differently. he’s worried about me judging him, but I’m so embarrassed about my life and my past that I just don't want to open up to him and tell him. honestly, that's probably why I don't open to a lot about a lot of things.. probably another reason why this essay for this service dog thing is harder than I thought it was going to be. 

I don't want him to think that my life is all sad and mopey, cause it’s not. it's just this dark cloud won’t go away and it probably causes of this stupid service dog application thing that’s making it even harder to get it gone. don't get me wrong I’ve always had depression and I’ve always had anxiety, but I know how to live with it and how to I guess..live with it would be the best term to use?.. I know I’m not supposed to be worried about him thinking that he’s going to run away which since and I have had this talk before that’s he dealt with worse. which he has, and in some weird form does make me feel better, as joined as that is I feel better knowing that he’s strong and he’s gone through a lot.

 i’ve gone through a lot i’ve come out stronger at the end. and yeah i’m having this deep hole that i’m in but he can help.

 hopefully.

 we don’t know.

 i can’t rely on him.

 people are really good at just leaving me in my life so i just don’t rely on anyone at this point in my life. another reason why i dont trust anyone..

i used to really trust my best friend, but i havent talked to him in two weeks. when i did talk to him he didnt seem to worry that i was having to apply for a service dog and having to talk about things that i really didn’t want to talk about. ever. before that, we talked a lot about him.

i just feel alone. i know i’m not alone, but some times you just have that feeling you can’t get rid you know no one? 

I probably sound super hypocritical right now I bet. but that’s really how I feel I just can’t make up my mind about anything. not to include that I just feel like a complete and total bitch right now. everything I feel is just like a complete bitch. every time I feel like I give an opinion about something it just comes out mean and rude and that's not my intention what so ever I'm not a mean girl it just happens and I hate ): 

I'm hoping that once this service dog application is finished this cloud will be gone and the world won't seem so dark and scary and I’ll be able to come to a better resolution.

my neurologist thinks i have PTSD since it doesn't make sense that now when I have an anxiety attack my eyesight goes bad and my memory is not good. the reason why he is concerned about my memory so much is that my past medication did affect the cause of the side effects. with the one I’m on now it should hardly be affected, but it is we don’t know why so I’m supposed to be going to see a psychiatrist soon and the one I’ve been talking to is suggesting that we do DBD practice therapy? it's supposed to help with depression and eating disorders. let's see.

[bigbangcowgirl73]

fuck the brain

so for this update, we are going to break it up. make it a little easier...well somewhat..so are going to break over so ill play the OCD card and have sub-categories (:

With that said let’s get started <3

  1. Health-- so I think as I have discussed at the beginning of this blog I explained that I have epilepsy and I hate admitting that. I am embarrassed beyond words with it. I use to be a social butterfly, and now the idea of going out to the world and being apart of other things is a little nerve-racking to me. Before July in 2019, we thought that I wasn't going to have any more seizures that it was all fixed and I was “cured” for a better lack of words, I haven't had a seizure for almost 3 years so life was looking good. Now with that said before we all get excited and we try to figure all are asking questions, my neurologist, dr. g requested an EEG in the beginning of the year because I came I told them that I have not been taking my medicine for about 6 months and have been doing just fine. the reason being for this is because I was just simply at first was forgetting then I got didn't have a certain amount so I got behind and then it just turned into me not taking them. Well, when we had the EEG I still had the abnormal brainwaves (a quick explanation on EEG’s..pretty much a helmet of little wires they hook to your head and it tells you what kind of brain waves you have). Not my best day. So I had a seizure back in July I assumed because I was depressed from what learned in April I was taking care of my body, I was sleeping well, not doing the best with my body. Then I had one about 2 weeks ago, after that, I have been anxiety attacks whenever I please, my depression is flying off the walls. So now my neurologist has decided that I need to have a service dog for these reasons. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a couple of years back, but it was never this bad as it is now. so now me having to even think about having a service is kind of hard, because I’ve always been embarrassed with the idea of just almost anyone knowing about it. like if I didn't have to tell a friend about it then I won't. there's been soo many timeeeesss that I thought i have told a friend and then something will happen that it would come up and they wouldn't know a thing about it. 

  -Love: alrighty so this subtext will be fun. so y’all remember daffy? well, we’re pretty much still in that sloth relationship that I was explaining. and since we still can't think of a better word we’re going to stick with that until I say otherwise alright? good glad we agreed. so when I had my last seizure I was with him and about as close as I could get with a person while having a seizure. he was laying on top of me when it happened. yeahhhh good moment for the sloth and lady sloth right? well, I could remember after it was waking up hurling on his favorite sweater that I was wearing at the time barely getting to the sink and hurling all over that than falling on the floor and wanting to die. then I remember barely opening my eyes, daffy was standing over me he cleaned up my throw up, this is going to be so cheesy but I thought he has to be prince charming he's going to clean up this shit off of me. then he took off the throw up sweater off of me put on a different shirt and carried me to his room. next thing I know i wake up and I don't really remember the rest. I remember bits and pieces but that's about it. I just remember thinking that he may not be perfect and he might have a shitty past, him and I are overly different, but he just might the prince charming I was looking for. bad boy in skinny jeans with a sailor's mouth and can be an asshole sometimes but makes me smile no matter what and makes me feel safe and all these other things that do not fall into this subtext. 

-Friendship-- when my friend cotton found out that I had a seizure he didn't really do a whole bunch of what I friend is supposed to do I believe, I mean when my friends have found out in the past they freak out are wanting to know if I'm okay did I die asking weird questions. but cotton he just didnt. and it really pissed me off! and he’s supposed to be my best friend, but he hasn't been one lately. I'm not liking it. 

-School-- the school hasn't gotten scary now. my teachers are really supportive but I feel so far behind and I cant remember. and this is the shit part. my neurologist thinks the reason why I'm having such a hard time remembering is that I have PTSD so he is wanting me to go to PSYCHIATRIST..arent those for people who are really fucked up in the head or something? I would see why but I'm not excited about it. maybe I can talk may out of it. I've gone to a therapist before and it did me no good. if anything it did me worse. but now I'm so scared to anything with school because what if I fail what if something goes wrong and it stresses me out so much that I have a seizure or have such a bad anxiety attack that I have a seizure. 

2. Friendship/Love- so I was going to split up these two categories but since they collide each other by a lot it would get way too confusing so this seemed easier at the end of the day. 

  So as you could guess this will have to do with cotton and daffy. pretty fun combination. especially since they both don't like each other. which is super fun. so with that said, cotton since the beginning has talked bad about daffy. and I would just ignore it usually, especially since he would just be talking about his past mainly and I really wouldn't care because when daffy would say anything about he would calmly say its in the past in the past for a reason. he's done that he’s not proud of, was he the best person back then probably not, would probably want to be around him..probably not, but then again knowing bigbangcowgirl lets just 2-3 years ago she would probably still go for it. but daffy just never talked about cotton even though he didn't like him, he knew that he was my best friend he wouldn't. cotton would, I ignored for the most part. there was something I would question, but then daffy would bring down somewhere along the yellow brick road and i would be just fine once again. with my past of shit guys. daffy has been so straight forward and not hidden anything from it so relaxing and he’s been so trustworthy! Cotton has been such a bad friend and it just took me yesterday to put two and two together after daffy was pointing out something towards me and then yesterday I just don't trust him anymore. I'm really pissed. I know my mom and cotton talk and i told her last night when I got done coaching to not talk to him anymore for awhile. I don't want you to talk to him. I don't trust him right now. he's my friend, but I don't like how he’s been treating me and seems to be manipulating you and putting up this front to you and dad. 

-Family- those last two sentences kind of collided with this sub-category but that’s fine. so me and daffy decided that we wouldn’t meet my parents for a while cause that would just make it official and legit serious, like would be switching from sloth to penguins. if y’all don't know what that means, I can’t help you. go to google. which was fine by me. I'm a daddy’s girl some even telling my dad about nick was already a little scary. I didn't want my dad to meet another guy I've been seeing for a while until I knew it was going to be serious and would last, so he would stop meeting these pos kind of guys. Well with daffy, they’re outstandingly opposite. like its crazy different. it's kind of funny though. but what gives me the slightest bit of hope is that daffy makes me happy, he takes care of me, he wants me to be happy, for an example, he could’ve cared less if my parents didn’t like him, but since he knows that a big thing to him, it bothers him and he wants to fix it. my father thinks that he doesn’t make me happy just because the only time I have been on the phone with daffy these past couple of days when I was the house we were bickering about stuff. so yeah, if that's your first opinion I could see why, but what he doesn't know is that I've been on the phone with him multiple times, been texting him multiple times, been smiling because of him multiple times, but because I didn't want my dad to know that he existed because of our sloth-like relationship I just said it was cotton cause my dad knows that he’s in n. carolina and there's no way in hell I will be leaving texas just for some boy. 

  now then, I don't really think my dad will ever like any boy I am with. just for the fact of him thinking no man is good enough for my little girl fact. which is fine I understand that. no biggie. I agree. I'm adorable. but if he has respect for daffy, understands that daffy cares about me respect me, doesn't hurt me emotionally/physically like any other guy has in the past, and makes me happy. then I know that’s all that matters to him. 

  and another perk is that my mom loves him. she is a little concerned cause she knows that he is a bad boy and has a bad past, but she knows that she he has done what he needs to do make him improve and make him a better man. also now that I have pointed all that cotton has lied about and pulled off his mask that he’s been wearing. daffy doesn’t look bad anymore. now I say that because cotton has been trying to make daffy look bad by comparing those two together. which is one of the major things that I noticed yesterday. one of the biggest things that pissed me off the most.

sloth relationship, or penguin relationship. nobody is going to make my man look bad or talk shit about him especially if I know you and I know what you’re saying and your’ purpose behind it. not okay. 

[bigbangcowgirl73]

[bigbangcowgirl73]

WHY DOES THIS FIT SO WELL LIKE THEIR MOUTHS ARE SYNCING WITH THE SONG PERFECTLY AND THIS HASN’T EVEN BEEN EDITED THE FUCK

[bigbangcowgirl73]

Fall for you?

okay, so it's been for fucking ever since I have been on here we are just going to do a quick re-cap since let's say thanksgiving. sounds good

I started talking to a guy we will call duck. at first, it was just one of those that we're just friends and wasn't going to mean anything but then suddenly there was this spark and chemistry between us and then we kissed and suddenly we were turning into something. the only issue was he just broke up with his ex, and if you have been reading my last posts, I was still hooked on jb a little bit, I was getting over him, in the long run, I just need that little push. so that pretty much covers thanksgiving. 

we kept going back and forth and he kept sending the mixed signals on what he wants and how he wants to do things and if he wants us to be together or if he just doesn't want to do anything. especially since we are complete opposites from one another, but what is so interesting is that he makes me so happy! never thought a guy like HIM would make me so happy. it’s weird every time I think about it. 

so anyway, back to me and jb, he was wanting to. meet up and when we got together he pulled I have Christmas present for your card when he really didn't when all he wanted was just to see me and use me. blocked his ass and was the sign of he wasn't for me and didn't mean to be with me.

ever since then I and duck have been talking ever since we’ve gone back and forth on things and it so doesn't help that he’s confusing as fuck. he wants to tell me that he thinks I’m falling for him but first of all, what does that mean? I've heard of falling in love, but just in general falling for him? I don't think so. and with that said he’s the one that said to me that he loves me, but he loves me a little bit. however, the hell that works. y’all figure that out for me. anyways moving along. he’s been talking to me about his friends and he was talking to me about meeting his best friend this week, but now I don't know if he is wimping out or what. what I don't understand what makes me upset is that he acts like he wants to be in a relationship, his friends are always asking how serious we are, he’s been posting about me on his social media, bragging about me, showing me off, his friends call me his girlfriend, but it's like he’s too scared to admit it. 

don't get me wrong I’m not like some 12-year old that wants to be called his “girlfriend” he calls me his queen and his woman, and that's fine with me if anything that’s better, but at the same time, I just want him to fucking admit and hear it that we are in a relationship. it’s very obvious yes, but just want to hear it ya know? he does all these things and then he does these little things that just make me wonder if he does really care about me, that’s all I'm really worried about at the end of the day, I just want to know that he does care about me, it doesn’t take a lot usually. 

I don't know right now I feel myself overreacting and reading too much into it, cause I’m super sleep deprived cause I’ve been super busy this weekend with being awake at 6-9am and driving for 4 hours during the day and standing all my feet all day. 

alright well, new goal! make sure I keep talking to y’all cause I know every time I do this I figure something out, and calm myself down in some form or fashion. let's just hope that nobody ever learns about this cause that would be awkward...

[bigbangcowgirl73]

After a hard semester and getting to spend the day with this perfect horse was all the therapy I could need. He makes my heart so happy and makes me smile (especially when he starts being a goofball). He might just be a horse to anyone else, but since I was a little girl this boy has had my heart. Without a doubt he’s one of the main reasons why I am majoring in Equine Studies. Had to brag felt like I haven’t done enough for the day💋❤️❤️ #equine #equinestudies #drafthorse #quarterhorse #iamcowgirl #cowgirl https://www.instagram.com/p/B6cWqiIjedel0GuGLx0VGobnKYoZkMdfXHwspo0/?igshid=tdzxeb2bkrjx

#equine #equinestudies #drafthorse #quarterhorse #iamcowgirl #cowgirl

[bigbangcowgirl73]

[bigbangcowgirl73]

life’s annoying

this is going to be long but i just need to rant for a few. ready? too bad here we go.

j.b. is gone. for good. no coming back. i hate that without a doubt. i thought he was going to be “it” you know? we would be the couple that had all these issues but then we would have this magical ending that everyone would just be memorized by and then our kids would be like “i want to have a relationship like my parents do..they went through so much and it made them stronger.” i thought that was going to be us at the end of the day. it’s not. i ended things. he just kept making up all these excuses for why he couldn’t do anything and i was getting tired of it! he wanted to try and be with me and wants to try and make it work well then that means you have to figure out a way to make time for me and give me attention and show me you want to be with me right? or am i wrong strangers? i was always reaching out making sure he was alive and seeing if he wanted to hangout and do such things and i just kept getting pushed off. we made plans this weekend and he completely forgot. i understand that you have a lot going on, but isnt a part of being an adult priortizing? organizing your life? scheduling your shit? or is that just me? cause im one of those girls that uses my calendar on my phone and i carry a little planner to write shit down in as well. it hurts, and i hate the feeling cause it’s officially over. 2 years of this and now it’s officially over. never happening. i know i did the right thing and i was saving me pain in the long run, but dang i dont like this feeling. i thought it hurt when he was cheating on me, but this is just wow. he’s gone. 

when i started noticing that i needed to end things with j.b. i started talking to a guy from my hometown..we’ll call him bad boy?...no cause he’s not a bad boy..he was when we were younger. without a doubt like the definition probably. mm blues..hes got pretty blue eyes. 

now that’s settled moving along..so he ended things with his girlfriend about a month ago and it was a pretty bad break up from what i can gather..well he’s been telling me that ive been helping him move on from her since him and i started talking again. before he was really struggling and wanting to do anything to get back with her etc etc...now that we’ve been talking he’s been happier and all these things. im happy im doing these things but that makes me worry if im becoming his rebound girl? what makes me even more nervous is that i like i said before is that blues and i started talking right when me and j.b. started having issues so am i doing the same? i dont want anything serious really. but he’s been treating me so well. he calls me beautiful, he treats me like how a man should treat a woman that he’s with, he spoils me, and does all these really sweet things! its weird though cause we both said that we dont want anything serious butt this is where its getting confusing he tells me this, but then he confuses me by kissing me and doing things that say you dont want to be taking it slow. cause thats the other thing we told eachother that we think we would be a good couple but we both have a lot going on so we should just take it slow. we kissed. like really really kissed. you know what i mean tumblr people? like a kissssssss. its hard to stop kissing blues. heres anothr thing he wanted a family. note the past present: his ex had a kid. she did him so dirty that he doesnt want a family. as far as i can tell he doesnt want that anytime soon and usually when a guy says that dont want a family that just means they dont want a family ever. i want a family. i dont want to risk spending my time on some guy that doesnt want a family. 

yall are probably reading this and be like sooooo cowgirl...sweetie...what are you wanting to do lol...well thats the issue y’all! i dont know! i like the guy, but he has a lot of baggage, i want to be there for him, and it doesn’t help that i’ve had a thing for blue eyes since i was in i guess like middle school maybe? who knows ive always thought he was cute lets just leave it at that. hes not my type which is weird. but he treats me amazing so who cares? we both are wanting to take it slow but tonight was not slow..like there was alot of temptations there ya..now y’all are reading this story and are probably just wanting me to calm down.

idk tooo mucchchchchc i just need to take a step back and put some room between us right? cause we’ve honestly been hanging out for 3 days straight and he was going to come over tomorrow after the football game was over so that would be 4. we are starting to turn into a couple and we arent even trying to be. we both agreed that we dont want anything, we both just ended things and it was something on the serious side. and now we are acting like we are in a relationship almost? maybe that’s just me. who knows what he thinks. i just need to put some space between us without making it noticeable and calm it down. there’s too much tension and i already feel as if this wont be turning into something so i need to take a step back and let it breathe right. okay good talk. its 3 am. night tumblr strangers

[bigbangcowgirl73]

[bigbangcowgirl73]

Cologne

Guys that wear cologne need to know there is a limit. I personally don’t like cologne. I don’t even where perfume unless I’m having to get dressed for something.

It is not clothing.

It is a weapon if anything. I am getting a headache from this boy who I guess is trying to impress me with his scent. It’s not working. I’m wanting to run. Far far away.