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santacoppelia · 8 months

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Putting the Meta in "Metatron"

(couldn't resist the pun, sorry)

Ok, this has been tickling my brain for a while. I've been thinking about how The Metatron designed his role and discourse specifically to manipulate Aziraphale into the end result we saw in the last minutes of S2. I become obsessed with it because… well, I'm a bit obsessive, but also because there were many really smart writing decisions that I loved (even when I despise The Metatron exactly for the same reasons. Hate the character, love the writer). If you haven't watched Good Omens Season 2, this is the moment to stop reading. Come back later!

We already know that in Book Omens, the role of Gabriel in the ending was occupied by The Metatron. Of course, the series introduced us to Gabriel and we won a lot by that, but I feel that the origins of The Metatron should be considered for any of this. He is not a "sweet old man": he was the one in charge of seeing over the operation of Armageddon; not just a stickler of rules, but the main promoter for it.

However, when he appears in the series finale, we first are primed to almost pass him by. He is in the line for buying coffee, using clothes that are:

obviously not tailored (almost ill fitted)

in dark tones

looking worn and wrinkled

This seems so important to me! All the angels we have seen are so proud of their aspect, wear clear (white or off white) clothes, pressed, impeccable (even Muriel), even when they visit the Earth (which we have already seen on S1 with all the visits to the bookshop). The Metatron chose a worn, comfortable attire, instead. This is a humanized look, something that fools all the angels but which would warm up someone very specific, can you guess?

After making quite a complicated coffee order (with sort of an affable and nervous energy), he makes a question that Crowley had already primed for us when asking Nina about the name of the coffee: having a "predictable" alternative and an unpredictable one.

This creates an interesting parallel with the next scene: Michael is discussing the possibility of erasing Aziraphale from The Book of Life (a punishment even worse than Holy Water on demons, because not having existed at all, EVER is definitely worse than having existed and ceased to exist at some point) when The Metatron arrives, interrupts the moment and signals having brought coffee. Yup, an amicable gesture, but also a "not death" offering that he shows clearly to everyone (even when Michael or Uriel do not understand or care for it. It wasn't meant for them). He even dismisses what Michael was saying as "utter balderdash" and a "complete piffle", which are the kind of outdated terms we have heard Aziraphale use commonly. So, The Metatron has put up this show for a specific audience of one.

The next moment on the script has Metatron asking Crowley for the clarification of his identity. Up to this moment, every angel has been ignoring the sprawled demon in the corner while discussing how to punish Aziraphale… But The Metatron defers to the most unlikely person in the room, and the only one who will push any buttons on Aziraphale: Crowley. After that, Aziraphale can recognize him, and Metatron dismisses the "bad angels" (using Aziraphale's S1 epithet) with another "catchy old phrase", "spit spot", while keeping Muriel at the back and implying that there is a possibility to "check after" if those "bad angels" have done anything wrong.

Up to this moment, he has played it perfectly. The only moment when he loses it is when he calls Muriel "the dim one", which she ignores… probably because that's the usual way they get talked to in Heaven. I'm not sure if Aziraphale or Crowley cared for that small interaction, but it is there for us (the audience) to notice it: the sympathy the character might elicit is built and sought, but he is not that nice.

After that, comes "the chinwag" and the offer of the coffee: the unnecessarily complicated order. It is not Aziraphale's cup of tea (literally), but it is so specific that it creates some semblance of being thought with care, and has a "hefty jigger" of syrup (again with the funny old words). And, as Aziraphale recognizes, it is "very nice!" (as The Metatron "jolly hoped so"), and The Metatron approves of him drinking it by admitting he has "ingested things in my time, you know?". This interaction is absolutely designed to build a bridge of understanding. The Metatron probably knew that the first response he would get was a "no", so he tailored his connection specifically to "mirror" Aziraphale: love of tasty human treats he has also consumed, funny old words like the ones he loves, a very human, worn, well-loved look. That was the bait for "the stroll": the moment when Aziraphale and Crowley get separated, because The Metatron knew that being close to Crowley, Aziraphale would have an hypervigilant soundboard to check the sense of what he was going to get offered. That's what the nasty look The Metatron gives to Crowley while leaving the bookshop builds (and it gets pinpointed by the music, if you were about to miss it).

The next thing we listen from The Metatron is "You don't have to answer immediately, take all the time you need" in such a friendly manner… we can see Aziraphale doubting a little, and then comes the suggestion: "go and tell your friend the good news!". This sounds like encouragement, but is "the reel". He already knows how Crowley would react, and is expecting it (we can infer it by his final reaction after going back for Aziraphale after the break up, but let's not get ahead of ourselves shall we?). He even can work up Muriel to take care of the bookshop while waiting for the catch.

What did he planted in Aziraphale's mind? Well, let's listen to the story he has to tell:

"I don't think he's as bad a fellow… I might have misjudged him!" — not strange in Aziraphale to have such a generous spirit while judging people. He's in a… partnership? relationship? somethingship? with a demon! So maybe first impressions aren't that reliable anyway. The Metatron made an excellent job with this, too.

"Michael was not the obvious candidate, it was me!" — This idea is interesting. Michael has been the stickler, the rule follower, even the snitch. They have been rewarded and recognized by that. Putting Aziraphale before Michael in the line of succession is a way of recognizing not only him, but his system of values, which has always been at odds with the main archangels (even when it was never an open fight).

"Leader, honest, don't tell people what they want to hear" — All these are generic compliments. The Metatron hasn't been that aware of Aziraphale, but are in line with what would have been said of any "rebel leader". They come into context with the next phrase.

"That's why Gabriel came to you, I imagine…" — I'm pretty sure The Metatron didn't imagine this, ha. He is probably imagining that the "institutional problem" is coalescing behind his back, and trying to keep friends close, but enemies closer… while dividing and conquering. If Gabriel rebelled, and then went searching for Aziraphale (and Crowley, they are and item and he knows it), that might mean a true risk for his status quo and future plans.

Heaven has great plans and important projects for you — this is to sweeten the pot: the hefty jigger of almond syrup. You will be able to make changes! You can make a difference from the inside! Working for an old man who feels strangely familiar! And who recognizes your point of view! That sounds like the best job offer of the world, really.

Those, however, are not the main messages (they are still building good will with Aziraphale); they are thought out to build the last, and more important one:

Heaven is well aware of your "de facto partnership" with Crowley…

It would be considered irregular if you wanted to work with him again…

You, and you alone, can bring him to Heaven and restore his full angelic status, so you could keep working together (in very important projects).

Here is the catch. He brought the coffee so he could "offer him coffee", but the implications are quite clear: if you want to continue having a partnership with Crowley, you two must come to Heaven. Anything else would be considered irregular, put them in a worst risk, and maybe, just maybe, make them "institutional enemies". Heaven is more efficient chasing enemies, and they have The Book of Life as a menace.

We already know how scared Aziraphale has always been about upsetting Heaven, but he has learned to "disconnect" from it through the usual "they don't notice". The Metatron came to tell him "I did notice, and it has come back to bite you". The implied counterpart to the offer is "you can always get death". Or even worse, nonexistence (we have already imagined the angst of having one of them condemned to that fate, haven't we?)

When The Metatron arrives, just after seeing Crowley leave the bookshop, distraught, he casually asks "How did he take it?", but he already knows. That was his plan all along: making them break up with an offer Aziraphale could not refuse, but Crowley could not accept. That's why he even takes the license to slightly badmouth Crowley: "Always did want to go his own way, always asking damn fool questions, too". He also arrive with the solution to the only objection Aziraphale would have: Muriel, the happy innocent angel that he received with so much warmth and kindness, is given the opportunity to stay on Earth, taking care of the bookshop. The only thing he would have liked to take with him is not a thing, and has become impossible.

If God is playing poker in a dark room and always smiling, The Metatron is playing chess, and he is quite good at it (that's why he loves everything to be predictable). He is menacing our pieces, and broke our hearts in the process… But I'm pretty sure he is underestimating his opponents. His awful remark of Muriel being "dim"; saying that Crowley "asks damn fool questions", and even believing that Aziraphale is just a softie that can be played like a pipe… That's why telling him the project is "The Second Coming" was an absolute gift for us as an audience, and it prefigures the downfall that is coming — the one Aziraphale, now with nothing to lose, started cooking in his head during that elevator ride (those couple of minutes that Michael Sheen gifted to all of us: the shock, the pain, the fury, and that grin in the end, with the eyes in a completely different emotion). Remember that Aziraphale is intelligent, but also fierce. Guildernstern commited a similar mistake in Hamlet, and it didn't go well:

"Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me! You would play upon me, you would seem to know my stops, you would pluck out the heart of my mystery, you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass, and there is much music, excellent voice, in this little organ, yet cannot you make it speak. 'Sblood, do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me."

I'm so excited to learn how this is going to unfold!! Because our heroes have always been very enthusiastic at creating plans together, failed miserably at executing them, and even then succeeding… But now they are apart, more frustrated and the stakes are even higher. Excellent scenario for a third act!

*exits, pursued by a bear*

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens meta #good omens spoilers #aziraphale #ineffable spouses #ineffable divorce #narrative analysis #character analysis #the metatron #and a casual Hamlet quote #just because I love Hamlet

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literallyaflame · 2 years

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i love it when people declare that fanfiction isn’t “real” fiction because the author didn’t invent their own characters. as though that one aspect delineates the artist from the amateur

like, don’t get me wrong, i’m not interested in arguing about “real fiction” for the same reason that i don’t waste my time arguing about gluten free pasta (which is technically pasta even though it tastes like shit 90% of the time). what i’m interested in is the fact that this particular mindset delegitimizes the majority of shakespeare’s canon. fuck you, will

#maybe you should’ve come up with your own characters #instead of using familiar stories to entertain a casual audience #fucking idiot #there are what….. two original works by Shakespeare???#I think it’s LLL and the tempest don’t quote me on that #dude didn’t even invent hamlet

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fear-is-truth · 6 months

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‘𝑪𝑨𝑼𝑺𝑬 𝑰’𝑴 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑱𝑨𝒁𝒁 𝑺𝑰𝑵𝑮𝑬𝑹, 𝑨𝑵𝑫 𝒀𝑶𝑼’𝑹𝑬 𝑴𝒀 𝑪𝑼𝑳𝑻 𝑳𝑬𝑨𝑫𝑬𝑹 — kai anderson

✧. headcanon tags: fem! reader. mention of murder. ꒰ dating kai anderson headcanons ꒱ ⨾

kai enjoys reading in his free time, (when he’s not plotting world domination)

his favourites are by machiavelli, tolstoy, nietzsche and shakespeare. he often quotes them in fucked up situations.

“good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.”

like when he tortured RJ with a nail gun, he quoted hamlet. that part killed me.)

so he expects you to read too so he can carry an intelligent conversation with you. quality time, like a two-person book club.

after all, the future mother of his messiah baby can’t be an ‘uneducated hoe’.

you should be grateful that at least he doesn’t demand you to hand in a five-page book report every week (yet).

super possessive and gets jealous very easily. if a cult member dared to look in your direction, well, too bad for them.

kai is very creative when it comes to punishments. in the cruelest, most horrific ways imaginable.

tolerant of pda. in public, he allows you to hold onto his arm. don’t expect him to reciprocate though, he doesn’t want to be regarded as a simp.

if he catches other men checking you out, he’ll put an arm around your waist or squeeze your ass in a possessive way. glaring daggers to remind those bastards that he owns you.

at home, he displays affection in the most subtle of ways: a hand on the small of your back, his chin resting on your shoulder as he inspects whatever food you’re cooking for him.

while watching cult documentaries together on the couch, his arms casually resting on the backrest, hand grazing against your shoulder.

idly playing with a strand of your hair during commercials.

you have each other’s initials tattooed on the inner side of your pinky fingers.

he took you to his dead parents’ bedroom and introduced you to his mother.

he lets you help dyeing/cutting his hair. only you and winter are allowed with that special‘privilege’.

dates with him always feel like they’re completely random and impromptu.

(that’s what he wants you to think. what would his followers think if they found out the divine ruler spends time planning out dates for his girlfriend?)

“get dressed. we’re leaving in five minutes.” is code for “i’m taking you out on a date but don’t you dare make a big deal out of it.”

if he gives you ten or fifteen minutes to prepare, it means he’s taking you somewhere upscale so you better look nice.

his eyes always give that slight flicker of approval when he sees you wearing that dress he loves seeing you in.

(already imagining that dress on the bedroom floor.)

“do i look okay in this dress?”

“i’d fuck you in it,”

“…”

kai is good at reading people, pinpointing their weaknesses and using them to his advantage. though with you, it's done in a less malicious manner. don’t get me wrong, he’s still controlling as hell, but it's his twisted way of showing care for you.

he remembers everything that you’ve ever told him about yourself. literally everything.

even though he generally appears to be disinterested or zoned out when you’re talking, he’s silently cataloging every piece of information about you in his head. for later use.

he plays dumb. pretends to know little about you, in hopes to extract more info.

but then he accidentally let slip the fact that remembers the name of your bitchy grade school teacher, whom you once mentioned ages ago.

“ugh, that old lady in the checkout line reminded me of-”

“your 3rd grade bitch teacher. mrs davenport.”

“Well yeah.. wait, how’d you even know-”

and he’s staring back at you with a blank expression like: ‘duh. you told me, stupid.’

winter is your number-one shipper.

you always manage to bring out the old kai. the brother she grew up with : sweet, awkward, and funny. those were fleeting moments, but better than nothing.

and she’s grateful that someone can actually put up with her screwed-up brother, so she’s constantly in dread that one day he’ll push too far and you’ll leave.

winter knows that kai cares a great deal about you, more than he’s ever willing to admit.

during fights, he can’t bring himself to yell at you for too long when you’re crying.

he’s witnessed the way his shitbag father had treated his mother. so he just stands there, jaw clenched, fists balled as he tries to control himself.

most of the time, he leaves the room quickly, for the both of you to calm down. which is probably for best.

on rare occasions, when winter is absolutely livid at his assholery and the way he treated you, he finally realises that he had went too far, so he comes looking for you, feeling a bit.. guilty.

when he sees your tear-stained face, he sighs, mumbles something like:

“ugh.. can’t believe you’re still crying.. c’mere.”

then he outstretches his arms to you, kiss the top of your head and holds tightly to you, as you sniffle into his chest.

that is when you know that he is truly sorry without saying the actual words.

that small gesture is the kai anderson equivalent of begging on his knees for your forgiveness.

it’s just that his ego won’t allow him to apologize like a normal person. so he makes up by being sweeter to you the rest of the day.

because if there’s anything that scares him more than bruising his ego, it’s the possibility of losing you.

#american horror story #kai anderson #kai anderson x y/n #kai anderson x reader #ahs cult #ahs #ahs fandom #kai anderson headcanons #kai anderson x you #ahs fanfic #Kai Anderson imagines #ahs imagines

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mobius-m-mobius · 5 months

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I finally actually watched that Loki s1 bts clip where Owen quotes the first line of Two Gentlemen of Verona and. WHAT DO YOU MEAN he doesn't have any particular connection the play he 'just' took a Shakespeare class in college. He's so clearly trying to laugh it off like it's not very impressive but that's sure not working on me Owen, I can barely remember which classes I took let alone verbatim quotes from plays I'm not even that into WHAT

Everything about this ask, yes!!! 💕

Thank you anon because that's something I've been going on about for years ever since the s1 Assembled ep dropped lol, the fact that Tom just casually mentions Owen knows most of Hamlet BY HEART is wild but of course he shrugs it off as usual insisting it isn't true before dropping that line from Two Gentlemen of Verona verbatim?? Like okay tell me more about what you don't know then 😳

He has very possibly the most literary mind I've ever experienced and it actually drives me a little crazy that somehow isn't a more well known or acknowledged fact about him. After the first season of Loki ended I thought I'd just be going through his many films I hadn't gotten a chance to watch yet but instead got just as captivated with interviews where he was detailing his home libraries, referencing lines from even the most obscure novels or scenes at the drop of a hat and falling even more in love with how that's clearly shaped his sense of humor and delivery.

It's also why I wish he didn't laugh off the idea that he himself could've played Hamlet, which he likely did since as we've noticed he's quick to downplay his skills and talent, but also because that's how most of the general public would react if the same question was presented?? And he isn't especially comfortable on live stages so theater probably isn't a medium he's considered in any serious fashion but for me at least it's far more fascinating to see the take an actor more well known for comedy would give a dramatic role of any kind and I don't doubt he'd be incredible at any he set his mind to 🥰

#reminds me of this time he was called overseas to pick up extra scenes in the middle of a profile #and two weeks later started talking to the interviewer at the EXACT point of reference they left off at as if no time passed at all #his mind is huge and it's the hottest thing ever tbh #apologies as usual this reply was longer than expected but your ask is seriously something that's always on my mind bc he's SO IMPRESSIVE #and passionate!!!#just in every possible way which blows my mind every single day like there's always something to be surprised by with him?#it's just the most amazing thing ever so tysm for a wonderful ask and i hope your upcoming week is an amazing one #sending lots of love your way 💖💖#ask

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earhartsease · 9 months

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a line from hamlet has been on our minds a lot lately, what with *gestures to everything but also the ongoing inner turmoil of healing*

and hamlet casually says this devastating line (and it's been with us waxing and waning for many decades):

I have of late—

but wherefore I know not—lost all my mirth

so we just want to say: we have not

we haven't lost all of our mirth

mirth is, well, there are two quotes about eBay we mean in lotr so please indulge us - first one is about Gandalf:

Pippin glanced in some wonder at the face now close beside his own, for the sound of that laugh had been gay and merry. Yet in the wizard’s face he saw at first only lines of care and sorrow; though as he looked more intently he perceived that under all there was a great joy: a fountain of mirth enough to set a kingdom laughing, were it to gush forth.

and the second one is about Treebeard:

He strode to the archway and stood for some time under the falling rain of the spring. Then he laughed and shook himself, and wherever the drops of water fell glittering from him to the ground they glinted like red and green sparks. He came back and laid himself on the bed again and was silent.

anyway we have not lost all of this and we aim to keep fanning its flame even when it's just a redgolden whisker on kindling

and we wish you mirth to keep you all ☀️🌿

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ophelie-redgrave · 1 month

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Name: Ophélie Redgrave

Nickname: Fee

Birthday: October 23rdAAge: 31

Age: 31

Gender: Female

Place of Birth: London, United Kingdom

Places Lived Since: She has only lived in London

Current Residence: Tower Hamlets

Nationality: English

Parents: Lambert Redgrave + Louisa Redgrave

Number of Siblings: Older Brother

Relationship With Family: She doesn't have one, there has been no contact between her and her family since she was 20. They don't approve of her, how she lives etc. She point blank refuses to be like them, or how they want her to be.

Happiest Memory: Even though she doesn't see herself as part of the French, she was definitely happy when they accepted her for who she was. None of them have tried to change her, they have become like family to her. It was the first time she truly felt free.

Childhood Trauma: Most of her childhood could be classed as traumatic, not in a physical way. Her trauma is more mentally, her parents where always trying to control her. Tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing, what to say, how to speak, who to marry etc. They had her entire life planned out for her, in a way that suited them. Anything she did outside of their wants and needs simply wasn't good enough. She was always made to feel like she couldn't be herself, that if she was who she wanted to be then she had failed. Constantly feeling no good enough is pretty mentally traumatic.

PHYSICAL:

Height: 5'1

Weight: 120Ibs

Build: Slender.

Hair Color: Blonde.

Usual Hair Style: Mostly worn down, with loose beach style waves.

Eye Color: Blue

Glasses? Contacts?: Neither.

Style of Dress/Typical Outfit(s): It really depends on where she is going, and what for. For more casual wear she is trainers, jeans, t-shirt matched with either a hoodie or jacket. For events she will get dressed up as much as she can, and with nights out she tends to go for short dresses and heals.

Typical Style of Shoes: Pretty much anything and everything. She loves flats, heals and boots. It always depends on what she wearing and where she is going.

Jewellery? Tattoos? Piercings?: She has her ears pierced and belly button. She has several small tattoos, including flowers, quotes, elephant, leopard and a deathly hallows symbol. She always wears earrings, and outfits are often paired with bracelets or necklaces, mainly on the delicate side.

Scars: None

Unique Mannerisms/Physical Habits: Though she does smile, she tends to have resting bitch face a lot. She is also a terrible chain smoker and pacer when annoyed or angry.

Athleticism: She is petite, doesn't have much muscle mass. She tends to work out at home

Health Problems/Illnesses: The love of drugs.

INTELLECT:

Level of Education: University. However, she most the time partying and enjoying life than she did learning. She mainly attended to attempt to please her parents, but giving what she does now, uni was a waste of time.

Languages Spoken: English

Level of Self-Esteem: High

Gifts/Talents: She is good at acting.

Mathematical?: She knows enough, she isn't the greatest at Math's but knows enough to get by each day.

Makes Decisions Based Mostly On Emotions, or On Logic?: Emotions for sure, she doesn't often think things through. There are times where she does think logically when needed, but spur of the moments do tend to more of an emotional choose.

Life Philosophy: Be who you want to be, and live how you want to live.

Religious Stance: None

Cautious or Daring?: Daring.

Most Sensitive About/Vulnerable To: She is most sensitive when it comes to talking about the relationship with her family, though she won't show it. She was protective of those close to her, which can make her vulnerable.

Optimist or Pessimist?: Optimist

Extrovert or Introvert?: Extrovert.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Current Relationship Status: Single.

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual.

Past Relationships: Nothing official, but there was some feelings developing towards Oliver and Varden.

Primary Reason For Being Broken Up With: It hasn't really happened with her, she tends to have more casual flings and hook ups.

Primary Reasons For Breaking Up With People: She tends to walk away before things too serious for her, more so in fear of rejection. Which stems from the relationship with her parents

Ever Cheated?: No.

Been Cheated On: No.

Level of Sexual Experience: High.

A Social Person?: Very.

Most Comfortable Around: Oliver, Paul, Yusuf and Guillaume

Oldest Friend: Paul. He has been there since Uni, and is the reason she got introduced to the French in the first place. He has become like family to her, and was one of the first people who encouraged her to be herself.

How Does She Think Others Perceive Her?: She thinks those that don't know her see her as a hot mess, not that is bothers her. She has the image of drug, taking party girl.

How Do Others Actually Perceive Her?: Those close to her do see her as the party girl, but just not the hot mess. They also know the deepest parts of her, how she would do anything for her friends. She is energetic and lovable.

SECRETS:

Dreams: To become one of the most in demands socialites out there, she would also like to be one of the best dealers for the french.

Greatest Fears: Rejection

Most Ashamed Of: Nothing really

Secret Hobbies: Coloring, being crafty.

Crimes Committed (Was he caught? Charged?): Lol. She's a drug dealer for the french. She is yet to be caught.

Life Goals: She'd like to find love one day, not that she makes it known.

DETAILS/QUIRKS:

Night Owl or Early Bird?: Night Owl

Light or Heavy Sleeper?: Heavy - do not wake her.

Favorite Animal: Guinepigs. She has two.

Favorite Foods: Pasta, garlic bread, cheese.

Least Favorite Food: Some fish

Favorite Book: Harry Potter

Least Favorite Book: Most

Favorite Movie: Harry Potter

Least Favorite Movie: Wrong turn

Favorite Song: It changes depending on her mood.

Favorite Sport: Kick boxing

Coffee or Tea?: Neither

Crunchy or Smooth Peanut Butter?: Smooth

Type of Car she Drives: Audi A5 in black

Lefty or Righty?: Right

Favorite Color: Black

Cusser?: Yes, very much

Smoker? Drinker? Drug User?: All

Biggest Regret: Not walking away from her parents sooner

Pets: Two Guinepigs. Mary and Jane

#character development

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gilmores-glorious-blog · 1 year

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liam o’brien casually quoting hamlet is so specifically catered to me right now <3

#this is about the time travis killed a fly #and liam went “dead for a ducat dead!”#which.. i’ve seen that clip many times but i only now understood what he’s referencing #liam is my favorite shakespeare nerd <33 #critical role #liam o’brien #hamlet #eli.posts

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the-valiant-valkyrie · 1 year

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i've mentioned this a lot on discord before, but i feel like the fact that wigfrid's in-game alias is 'the performance artist' really... i don't know what the word i'm looking for is. but i feel as though it did a pretty big disservice for her character.

like, yes, she is a performance artist. but when she was first introduced through hamlet- before she had much room for characterization beyond the base game and the two dlc- it wasn't immediately obvious she was an actress. it was pretty clear to some extent she was pretending, but the concept of acting- of the artistic undertones, of the motif of the performance- could only be found in a total of like. four quotes. and three of them were from shipwrecked.

i feel as though if that was kept hush hush, it may have convinced more people to engage with her... digging around in the quotes, finding the odd ones out, coming to a collective conclusion on the secrets of her identity. it probably wouldn't even be something casual players would know, if they didn't experiment with her.

i guess the part i find the biggest shame is that since it's so obvious to the community that wigfrid is an actress (you know, because the game literally spells it out for you), they forget that it's not obvious for. the rest of the survivors, maybe. even if wigfrid was popular, it's unlikely anyone other than maxwell would have known or heard about her. but there's so many fics i read where there's just this precontext that it's obvious that shes acting.

it's obvious that she's pretending. but pretending and acting are very different things.

#i feel like it would lead to such fun fic scenarios... u guys. imagine this w me. we're going to imagination land #especially since she's only begun getting comfortable with acting terminology like. *MID*-ROT. that's like.#LATE late into their friendship #like. everyone's already fucking weird. i'm sure they would NOT care if wigfrid was just like. weird in a regular way #then slowly finding out 'oh. this is like... methodical. this is practiced and perfected. this is intentional. this is taxing.'#'oh she keeps on talking about spotlights and stagehands. she gets possessive over charlie's stage. she writes her own scripts.'#'maybe something is like. actually going on here. behind the scenes of her weird little brain'#starting out thinking it's some sort of delusion and coming to find it endearing #and then realizing its something more. something essential. something perfected and 100% purposeful.#we could have had it all. but klei had to spell it out. and now everyone thinks she wears the fact she's an actress on her sleeve #like saying that out loud wouldn't fucking kill her where she stood #am i making any sense. it is forty minutes past my beddybye time.

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blindrapture · 1 year

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added a new section, which I will quote here for the fun of it

Some Additional Stuff To Know

Joyce's books take place, generally, at the turn of the 20th century in Dublin, the capital city of Ireland. That was a culture more similar to ours than one might expect, but separated by the ravages of time. Here is where I'll list some general tidbits of context that may help bridge that gap.

WHO THE HELL WAS CHARLES PARNELL? (a skimming of a complex situation)

Ireland was a colony of the British Empire, who kept a financial and political grip. The history of that is, uh, long and strained. There were, of course, nationalist elements throughout Ireland seeking independence-- the late 1800s saw a number of radicals attempting assassination, rabblerousing, terrorism (I should really refresh my knowledge of this and give a better list sometime), but the State prioritized their neutralization and the People generally tried to keep distance from them. Instead, it was far more common for Irish citizens to live with general discontent and political apathy, as the status quo was entrenched and they saw no way out anytime soon.

Then came Charles Stewart Parnell. From the 1870s through the 1880s, Parnell came to be known as a noble and respected politician who supported Irish Independence and had the know-how to pursue it democratically. He condemned the violent acts and commanded parliament the 'right' way. And so he gave people hope.

HOWEVER. Around 1890, when other attempts to smear his name fell through, one campaign succeeded in ousting him: Word got out about a scandal. Parnell had been keeping a long affair with a married woman (Kitty O'Shea). There were letters. The press took the story and ran with it. Parnell assured his supporters he would be exonerated, but it was too late. The Catholic Church were disgusted; its priests instructed their congregations to view him as a symbol of immorality and danger. And, y'know what, it worked. Parnell lost his public and never got them back. His health rapidly deteriorated and he died shortly after, in 1891.

This is all important to know, as James Joyce was a child when this scandal broke out. His father and uncle were diehard Parnell supporters, even through the scandal, while his governess piously kept with the Church. He witnessed the violent fracturing of a united home, furthermore of a united people. The next few decades were marked by generational grief and a sense of betrayal-- the pious felt betrayed by Parnell's immorality, the fervent felt betrayed by the People's disloyalty. Joyce fell on the latter side, and thus so did his fictional Stephen Dedalus.

If you read any of Joyce's books, you will find references to Parnell, and the broader symbol of a public that wants a hero so they can tear him apart ("Ireland is the sow that eats her young"). In Dubliners, the story "Ivy Day in the Committee Room" shows the remnants of a parliamentary party haunted by Parnell's shadow. In A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, you'll see the impact this had on a young Stephen. And Ulysses takes place over a decade after this all went down, so it's less direct, but the memory of Parnell still rests with the city. (During the "Wandering Rocks" episode, Buck Mulligan and Steve Haines see Parnell's brother!) And Finnegans Wake, finally, allows Parnell's ghost a chance to blend in with the rest of history as another HCE figure, builder of cities, father of peoples.

TUBERCULOSIS (was not to be scoffed at)

At the time of writing this website, we have a global, uh, sensitivity to viral contagion. Covid has us rethinking our place in the world. So it's with that in mind that I bring up TB, the scourge of, uh, a lot of human history, and certainly of the era in which Joyce's books are set.

look man, I'm not the best source for a well-informed overview of a serious disease. forgive me for the casualness here. the truth is, Joyce's books hardly mention TB explicitly, and this is in fact a subject I only became truly aware of like a year ago, so you'd be forgiven for glossing it over too, BUT THAT'S WHY THIS SECTION IS HERE, because TB is absolutely an implicit presence.

The people of Joyce's books know about TB and want to avoid it, but they would rather not go around talking about it because it's a bummer, and Joyce felt no need to spell any of this out because everyone was aware of TB back then, we are an outlier because we actually got a vaccine for it in the 20th century and it was a huge deal. TB is bad. You cough up blood, you deteriorate, you die. And it is very contagious.

People obviously did not have an internet back then, nor did they have airtight ways of spreading helpful information, they just had pillars of tradition that were optimized for specialized subjects and the robust if sometimes slow networks of gossip. General knowledge of TB was "it's bad, and it spreads somehow." There were theories as to how it spread, and therefore how to avoid it, but the common ones... well, their hearts were in the right place. The theory that struck closest, if still inaccurate, was "it spreads through dust and spit. do not make intimate contact with someone before marriage, and keep your house clean." Joyce himself had studied medicine and tried his best to keep up to date with this kind of thing, and that is the theory he sticks to in his books.

So. Dust, and intimacy (specifically with someone who already has TB). When characters in Joyce have dusty furniture, when characters are aware of the dust, keep in mind the deadly implications. When characters long for an intimacy that feels incredibly out of reach, I mean there are a lot of factors there, but remember this one in the back of your head. There is always more context than you know.

#talkin about joyce

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vapemaster42069 · 1 year

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🤡 ⛔ 🦅

:D hello!!

🤡: i have a little unposted thing imma stick under a readmore below because i was hysterically giggling the entire thing i wrote it and idk if i'll ever post it lols. here: !!

⛔: oh my gosh, so many. i'm notorious for starting fics and never completing them because of one reason or another; usually i lose inspiration or get a new idea to hop on. most recently, i was planning a 20+ chapter fic that i had about a half planned and a third written that follows a scarian life series+hermitcraft timeline. mainly, i wanted to write the angst bc that's waht i enjoy lols. (ok so. respongin to this actually inspired me to finish a scene so i might end up posting at least one part somewhere lmao, can always rely on you for inspo :] ). uhh, another one was just a party during the hc/empires crossover, one was a jrwi riptide hamlet au, there was a thanatos backstory thing that was Very similiar to Kaladin from TWoK if you're into that, there was a southlands coffeeshop/pottery class thing, much ado twelfth night au because i thought the convolution was funny, and a lot of chatfic-style crack stuff that i live for but will Never see the light of day

🦅: depends on the fic! i have a doc where i scribble down ideas, quotes, or good sentences, so sometimes i'll go off that and ball with whatever strikes inspiration, but i do have a tendency to do specific au's where i know where it's going! (rip jrwi twelfth night au draft you will be missed. ao3 draft deletion hates me fr). kinda off-topic but i feel like i frequently have a starting point and an ending point, especially for longer works, and i have a really hard time filling in the in-between scenes! probably, i should outline more than i do lmao.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Joel, have you gotten shorter?"

"I- What? No!"

"No, I swear you look shorter." Grian paused and backed up, looking him up and down quizzically. He rubbed his chin to hide the quirk of a smug smile. "Scar, come look at Joel. Does he look any shorter to you?"

Scar, who had been slowly picking the leaves off of a plant, wheeled around. "Hey, yeah, he does, now that you mention it!"

"Scar!"

"Weren't you like 11 foot last time I saw you? You only look like 10'8 now," He leaned back in his chair, lifting a hand as well to scratch at his beard.

"Must have taken out the lifts in his shoes," Grian nodded sagely.

"Grian!"

"Little Timmy's rubbing off on you now, Joel--"

"I do not have lifts in my shoes!"

"--Every time you visit him, you get smaller."

"I do not-- I am not-- wait! I'm 11 foot, still!"

"It's okay, Joel," Grian couldn't hide the amused lilt in his voice, "Us short kings have to stick together."

"Us-- HUH? I am not a short king!"

"What's this about short kings?" Sausage, ever with good timing, strolled around the corner and casually leaned on a fencepost next to Grian, propping an elbow on his shoulder. He leaned over and promptly toppled over with a yelp when the unsupported pole moved, before Grian hopped out of the way, grabbing him before he could smack his head on the ground. "I love sho-- waAAAH-- thank you, Grian--I love short kings. I am a short king! What do you have against short kings, Thunder Cheeks?"

"Hold on--"

"Nothing, Sausage! I'm just not one!"

"--Thunder Cheeks?" Grian squeaked.

"Oh, yeah, Joel's Thunder Cheeks, or Thunder Daddy! When his cheeks clap, thunder happens!"

"... I don't know how to respond to that,"

"Which cheeks?"

"Scar!"

"Whichever ones you want to,"

"Joel."

"That an offer?"

"Scar."

"Only if you want it to be,"

"Joel, I swear to god,"

Sausage giggled, his eyes alight. He had, evidently, already had his third cup of coffee today, based on his buzzy hands as he spoke. "You know what we gotta do, the four of us, is go to my tavern sometime! It could be like a double date, I'll show you a dance!"

"Like a-- no, Sausage, we aren't-- I mean, I haven't--" Grian could feel his face burning, "Scar, back me up here,"

"I'd love to go on a double date with you, Sausage! Would Joel and Grian be together, then?"

"Uhh. I mean, sure! Totally..." Sausage sideyed Grian, who looked away, desperately fanning his face to try to ease his blushing. It wasn't working very well, "So, you and I, and Grian and Joel! it's a date!"

"A double date! Oh my gosh, Grian, I'm so excited, we gotta get you out of that red sweater and into something snazzy?"

"I-- Scar, I look so snazzy in this sweater!"

"I mean," Scar wiggled his fingers at Grian, his eyes lighting up, "You're adorable with it on--" Grian squeaked. "--but not formal, like for a date! Come on, let's get dressed up all fancy!"

Sausage clapped his hands, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Ooh, Scar, I might have this beautiful vest that might fit you, if you need one? The color would really pop on you."

"Oh, maybe! I could show you the shirt I had in mind, if you'd like!"

"I'd love to! Oh my goodness I'm so excited, maybe we could match shirts..." Sausage trailed off as he dragged Scar away by the hand, grinning, going a nerve-wracking speed down one of the hills surrounding Sanctuary, towards the nether portal.

"In about 5 seconds we're going to hear a crash, aren't we,"

"Most likely." Joel turned to Grian, a smug look on his face. "Anyways, Grian."

"Don't you dare."

Joel grinned, crouching down to his height. Grian scowled. It was a bit funny, as Joel was approximately 6 feet taller than Grian was, so he was fully doubled over in a squat to meet his eyes. "Got your eyes on someone, pretty bird?"

Grian covered his face, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Joel, I swear to god--"

"I won't tell him!” Grian looked up at him.

“Promise?”

“Promise. But I can’t guarantee I won't never blackmail you for it,”

Grian sighed. “I guess that’s all I can hope for,”

“Are you– is it that uncomfortable to go on a double-date with him there? Because, I mean, I could invite some other Empires members too if you think it’d help. Make it more like a server party than a date?”

“That–” Grian paused, looking extremely relieved, “I don’t want to ruin it for you and Sausage, but that would be a lifesaver, I think.”

“Then it’s done! We can probably drag Timmy in, and if he comes, Tango and Scott will come, which will get Oli, and Sausage can get Keralis, which means Jev will come, and I can probably get Lizzy, who will get Doc and Impulse, and– Well, we can figure out the specifics later, I’ll text Sausage.”

Grian sighed. "Well, what are you wearing?"

"Uhh. This?"

"You're wearing that to our date? Wow, Joel. I see how it is," Grian mock-pouted.

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" Joel startled, playfully indignant.

"It's not bad, you just wear it every day!" Grian winked, "Let's get snazzy."

#sorry this took so long was working on an essay!#aliveburs hello!#pickle answers #heehee #my writing

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readingdiary · 2 years

Photo

https://amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/live/2022/sep/08/queen-elizabeth-ii-health-royals-medical-observation-latest-news-live-updates

*****

PLANNING 10/9/22 - ‘KING CHARLES 111’s FIRST ADDRESS TO THE NATION AND COMMONWEALTH’ - KING CHARLES III

FOR QUOTE OF THE WEEK 12/9/22 - RIP QUEEN ELIZABETH II

The Queen has died unexpectedly so I need a change of quote for Monday. I was planning to use the poem ‘Church Going’ by Philip Larkin for the Ride and Stride weekend, plus to welcome the new evangelicals clergy to our new ‘resource church’.

Ride and Stride have put an announcement on their website re mourning saying that ‘quiet events’ are still allowed to go ahead so the churches will be open.

https://ridestride.org/

However the launch of the new resource church at St Peters in South Ham has been cancelled.

https://www.basingstoke.church/

They had planned bouncy castles …

… and hot dogs.

*****

‘AND FLIGHTS OF ANGELS SING THEE TO THY REST’

I have decided to use the last line of the new King Charles’ first address.

‘May “flights of Angels sing thee to thy rest”.’ (King Charles III, 2022).

It has taken me ages to work out the referencing because the original quote is from ‘Hamlet’ but I want to include the ‘May’. The quote also appears in various other contexts.

‘Hamlet’

‘Good night, sweet prince. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.’ (Shakespeare in Lythgoe, 2022).

This article from ‘The Manchester Evening News’ explains it:

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/meaning-behind-king-charles-flights-24982570

‘Song for Athene’

‘Alleluia. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.’ (Thekla in ‘Song for Athene’, 2022).

This wasn’t written for Princess Diana but it became famous for being performed at her funeral. The lyrics were written by orthodox nun Mother Theckla at John Taverner’s request, for the funeral of family friend Athene Hariades. It is often just know as ‘May Flights of Angels Sing Thee to Thy Rest’. I can’t imagine that King Charles was quoting an anthem sung at his ex wife’s funeral. He had to be quoting Shakespeare.

‘Blackadder II - Episode 2 - Head’

‘LF: Oh thank you Mam. May flights of angels sing you to your rest!

Q: Yes, I'm sure they will!’ (Curtis and Elton in ‘All Blackadder Scripts’, 2012).

I love this not least because the ‘Q’ line is spoken by Queeny ie Elizabeth I. However the quote is obviously used in terms of a casual ‘Goodnight’ so is not quite appropriate.

‘Go forth upon your journey from this world … ‘

Go forth upon your journey from this world, O Christian soul,

In the name of the Father who created you;

in the name of Jesus Christ who redeemed you;

in the name of the Holy Spirit who strengthened you.

May flights of angels wing you to your rest, and may your portion this day be in peace,

and your dwelling in the heavenly Jerusalem. Amen.’ (‘Go forth upon your journey in this world … ‘ in George, 2022).

My friend and I have just had a complicated exchange of messages re this prayer. She remembered it from funeral services but didn’t know where it originally came from.

References

‘All Blackadder Scripts’ (2012) ‘Blackadder II - Episode 2 - Head’. Available at: https://allblackadderscripts.blogspot.com/2012/11/?m=1 (Accessed 10 September 2022).

George, E. (2022) ‘Go forth upon your journey from this world … ‘ Personal collection, original date and source unknown. WhatsApp message to Pauline Courtenay, 10 September 2022.

King Charles III (2022) ‘King Charles III’s first address to the nation and Commonwealth’ [Televised address after the death of his mother Queen Elizabeth II]. 9 September 2022.

Lythgoe, G. (2022) ‘The meaning behind King Charles' 'flights of angels' line from first public address’, ‘The Manchester Evening News’ 9 September [Online]. Available at: https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/meaning-behind-king-charles-flights-24982570Accessed 10 September 2022.

‘Song for Athene’ (2022) ‘Wikipedia’. Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Song_for_Athene (Accessed 10 September 2022).

*****

FLOWERS AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE

These photos were messaged to me by my friend who visited on the 9th.

*****

#planning #quoteoftheweek #elizabethII #charlesIII

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deermouth · 6 years

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my professor just casually said “consumation devoutly to be wished” just like, in passing, referencing the relationships of some of the characters in persuasion

#i love college. just casually quote hamlet #like not even in a pretentious way just the way he said it was so funny #college adventures #txt

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les-belles-infideles · 3 years

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What happened with Kora @princesshamlet: A start at contextualizing the events of the past week

While I am writing this because Kora expressed that they would like it if someone would post something contextualizing what happened, I do not speak for them; my opinions and perspective are my own. I think the general response has been wildly disproportionate to their actual words and actions. Let me know if you have questions about anything or if my writing style is hard to read and I’ll do my best to clarify.

Tl;dr: Last fall, Kora, a new Supernatural fan, started rewriting Supernatural to be more racially diverse and to more overtly address social issues such as homophobia and misogyny. They continually asked for feedback, particularly from POC, and received overwhelmingly positive responses.

Earlier this week, Kora posted something that unintentionally played into ideas that harm trans men. They were horrified to have hurt people, immediately apologized and made an effort to learn more about the issues involved.

Yesterday, some of Kora’s friends cut them off, presumably over the abovementioned. Some people read Kora’s Supernatural rewrite and were offended by portrayals of various ethnicities; Kora tried to learn from these criticisms and apologize for them. People organized to spread bad-faith, extremely hostile claims and Kora left Tumblr.

Background:

- last fall, Kora started watching Supernatural, and posting about it, including making some popular reaction videos and an elaborate summary of the events of season 16 as of mid-November. They got really attached to Cas as a character and DeanCas as a ship.

- Kora made a post along the lines of “what if I drew Castiel as Indian?” and got encouraging responses, so they made a drawing. A lot of Desi people left comments saying that they really liked the drawing and that the representation was meaningful to them, so Kora started posting and reblogging a lot more about recasting Supernatural to be racially diverse.

- Kora accumulates a lot of ideas around how they wish Supernatural had been, and starts casually writing it up into a story. It didn’t even have a title for the first few chapters, but it quickly amassed a small, enthusiastic following.

- I started reading it at first mostly as a way of getting to know Kora, who was at the time a new friend irl (they didn’t mean to give me their Tumblr; I had followed them for Hamlet and Star Trek posts and then recognized them when they posted a selfie) but wound up getting pretty invested. I started watching Supernatural despite the fact that I can pretty much never commit to finishing a TV show.

- Kora’s general strategy was to post ideas on Tumblr and get input before including them in the fic, particularly regarding race and ethnicity. Plenty of people gave them feedback -- I remember one really long conversation where people swapped headcanons about what music a Mexican-American Dean Winchester would have liked growing up.

- iirc, they actively collaborated with multiple Latine fans of the fic on one chapter that foregrounded Mexican-American culture. These fans are credited in an author’s note.

- they received substantial encouragement from Supernatural fans of color for how they were writing the fic, and afaik no negative feedback.

- they also used the fic as a way to discuss and joke about their personal experiences with misogyny, repression, and homophobia, including writing Dean Winchester as undergoing a character arc involving working through and overcoming severe homophobia. When we called recently, they described going from homophobic to not homophobic as “the best character arc a man can have.”

- afaik they had beta readers or at least people to run ideas by for most chapters.

First incident:

- earlier this week, Kora posted a somewhat poorly-worded vent post about Dean Winchester’s misogyny in Supernatural canon.

- I think I reblogged it because I don’t have super high standards for my SPN blog and yeah, afaict Dean said some pretty gross things in canon? I’d seen a lot of people talk about it, particularly Asian women, it’s clearly a thing.

- several people expressed hurt at the post’s wording, which could be read as bigoted against trans men.

- Kora immediately apologized and started looking for ways to learn more about trans men’s issues (afaict, mostly asking friends and going through the trans dean tag)

- they messaged me about it (Tuesday 4/13/2021), and I took a closer look at the post and explained how in isolation it looked harmless, but some of the rhetoric fit into wider patterns of transandrophobia, i.e. part of the impetus for this post was Kora being surprised that some of their trans male friends project onto Dean, since he’s a pretty bad role model for gender -- I pointed out that one way trans men are marginalized within queer movements is by people perpetuating the idea that we’re more misogynistic than cis men (which makes no sense), and their post could be read as playing into that trope (that reading had occurred to me when I first saw the post, but I had initially dismissed it because Kora and I had been spending a lot of time talking about gender and I never felt that they distrusted me or saw me as a threat).

- they made another hasty apology post, quoting my message to them.

- I encouraged them not to worry too much about what strangers online thought about them, but they were very insistent that they had hurt people and needed to learn and make amends.

- I think what happened next was that the conversation sparked a larger discussion about transandrophobia in the Supernatural fandom? I’m not sure about this though, I was off Tumblr most of Tuesday and Wednesday. I saw a few well-written posts refuting the idea that it was misogynistic to headcanon Dean as trans. I did not see anyone claim it was misogynistic to headcanon Dean as trans, but again, I wasn’t looking.

The Discourse™:

- yesterday, Kora started getting a lot more and a lot meaner messages.

- a large part of their social circle cut them off all at once, saying they felt unsafe and that Kora was transphobic. Kora did not/was unable to receive further clarification, while actively seeking the chance to learn more and repair harm done.

- someone made a dedicated hate tag for them.

- a new group of people read their Supernatural rewrite, and were offended by their portrayals of race and their writing about homophobia, and additionally mocking their writing style. The tone was often extremely mean-spirited.

- Kora responded to and apologized for some of the concerns around their portrayal of race, and refuted some of the bad-faith readings of their depictions of homophobia.

- Kora made an effort to understand what they had done wrong but a lot of the posts weren’t very specific.

- some of the claims got fucking wild. A lot of them involved taking stuff out of context. I think w*ncest got brought up at one point???

- Kora wrote another apology and took a break from Tumblr, on the advice of another friend.

- I spent like a day gearing up to write this because I vastly underestimated the speed at which Tumblr discourse moves.

#i know this would be a stronger post if I linked to posts addressing the issues in question #but I kinda just need to post Something at this point #supernatural #spn #princesshamlet discourse #discourse cw #ask to tag #tooth speech #lore

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nazyalenskyism · 3 years

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The Love of My Life When... (Part 6)

Ao3: The Love of My Life When...

Summary: Part 4 of The Love of My Life When... a Zoyalai fic.| Zoya gets a call from the last person she wants to be talking to. A/N: It's been a while since the last update and I'm sorry about that. I actually forgot that I had Part 6 ready, formatted and sitting in my drafts, so here you go! I also forgot how much I enjoyed writing this story and I hope that you enjoy reading this part ❤️.

Sometimes I go blurry-eyed

Small talk and you tell me that you're on fire

Lights on and it's black and white, I couldn't stay forever

“What?” Zoya hissed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Who was calling her at, she glanced at the clock, 3 A.M.?

“You’ve forgotten me already?”

“Nikolai?” She was so incredulous that she forgot to call him by anything other than his name, bolting upright in bed.

“Zoyaaa!”

She blinked, “are you drunk?”

“No. Maybe… a little?” Zoya shook her head, how was this her problem? She reached to end the call when she was stopped by a sudden rush of words.

“Pleasedon’thangup.” She hesitated, she had been about to end the call, but, even if Nikolai had only been a little drunk, he would’ve never asked her to stay on the line, which meant he must be completely wasted. To her knowledge, he’d never gotten this drunk, and she was a little worried.

“Why did you call me, Nikolai?” Zoya asked wearily.

“Tolya’s coming to get me and he saidtotalk to someone until he gets hereeee.”

She considered this, if Tolya thought Nikolai should stay on the line with someone that must mean that Nikolai was too out of it to be left unattended.

“Okay Nikolai, what are you doing right now?” She waited for nearly a minute before she heard Nikolai’s voice, more sober sounding than it had been before.

“I’m waiting for Tolya at Lazlayon.”

She groaned before she could stop herself, “not Kirigin’s? Bad call Lantsov.”

He let out a chuckle, “I designed the bar, I was his first investor and I get free drinks… I think it’s ergonomical to go.”

“Economical?” She felt a smile tug at her lips, despite herself.

“Aye, there’s the rub!”

“Drunk quoting Hamlet now, are we?”

“How well you know me, Zoya dea--” he cut himself off abruptly but she caught what he’d almost said, Zoya dearest. He doesn’t mean anything by it, he’s drunk and it just slipped out, it’s just an old habit. But it being instinctual didn’t stop her breath from catching. It hadn’t been that long, but she hadn’t realized the warmth that his casual terms of endearment had brought her. A cool wave of shame followed the heat today, she couldn’t let herself be affected by him. It’s over Zoya reminded herself… but if it was over then why didn’t her body respond in the same way as her mind?

She heard a sharp inhale before Nikolai broke the silence. “Why did you leave? Zoya… every time I try to understand it, I can’t. We were happy weren’t we?” he huffed out a breath, “from the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep, it’s like you haunt me. Even when I close my eyes, you’re still there. You give me that look, the ‘Nikolai, shut up, you idiot’ look, and it burns as much as it always did. One look from you, even the memory of you and I’m on fire,” a humorless laugh choked out, “why did you leave?” he repeated.

“I—I told you from the start, I couldn’t stay forever.”

“Why Zoya?” he said quietly, “Because I wasn’t worth forever? Because we weren’t?”

She felt the walls close in, he was repeating what he’d said to her on the night they’d broken up, sounding just as broken as he had when she’d closed the door on them. “Nothing lasts forever Nikolai, I was just facing the music before it got to us first.”

“That’s not an answer,” a rustle on the line told her he was running his hand through his hair in frustration. She slammed her eyes shut, trying to combat the endearment that always flared up when he did that. Was she really this weak, brought to her knees by an attachment that she severed weeks ago? Or was it just a side effect of being sleep deprived and on the phone with her ex at 3 AM? She shook her head, she couldn’t do this anymore.

“What do you want me to say? I broke up with you because I don’t-- I didn’t love you.” She refused to wince at her words. She refused to wince at his sharp intake of breath, at the silence that followed. He had never told her that he loved her, he had known her issue with the words, and so even if he’d felt that way, he’d spared her from the need to reciprocate. She knew that he had loved her, or at least thought that he did… but had he truly expected her to love him? She had told him from the start that she wasn’t capable of loving, not like that. And he’d accepted it with open arms, just like the parts of herself everyone else turned away. All it told her now, however, was that he was more a fool than she’d originally thought, letting his heart fall into her unintentional clutch. Zoya couldn’t give it back, even though she wanted to. It was his and he needed to let her go.

“Tolya’s here. I should go.” The flatness of his voice was punctuated by the abrupt ending of the call, and Zoya sat there, her phone still clutched against her face, eyes burning, as she stared blankly at the wall. She hadn’t been in love, but if that was true then why did she feel like she was falling apart? Zoya heaved one breath, and then two, repeating to herself that she was okay as the silent tears rained down, staining her cheeks with her emotions she couldn’t name.

#zoyalai #zoyalai fic #my writings #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #kos #kos fic #tgt #s&b #nikolai x zoya

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