#also the paranoias gone. remembering things i Did do with my friends over break. slight spiral but i’m okay now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

namfinessed · 3 years

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a little bit of love - k.th.

genre : fluff, angst (3.5k+) (request for @ofrosesandteacups) thank you so much for requesting, i hope you like it :]

summary : there’s nothing that freaks you out more than love does.

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when you first met taehyung, you didn’t imagine how far you guys would come along, sure you liked him from how your friends described him and how he presented himself to the masses, but to come to a point where a day wouldn’t go by without you missing him even as he sat beside you, was beyond you.

you almost felt ridiculous for cuddling up even more to him just at the thought of him being gone for work the next day making him chuckle and gently pat your head. the tv played some old 80’s movie that taehyung loved and served as ambient music which was both romantic and full of yearning. just like the two of you sat in front of it.

“what’s got you like this?” he gestured to your arms that looked close to suffocating his torso but you didn’t weaken your grip, only burying your head in his chest even more.

“you’ll be gone all day tomorrow” you softly whined, your voice coming out muffled and just clear enough for taehyung to hear and he let out a sigh at your words. it was going to be so hard to go to work tomorrow, how could he possibly say goodbye to you for a whole 24 hours after you do and say the things you do?

“i promise i’ll make it up to you, we can go to dinner at that diner you like this weekend” taehyung offered, hoping that would lift your spirit up a little and you nodded happily, any time with him was perfect for you.

“deal” you whispered and before taehyung could ask you about which movie you wanted to start next, he heard your slow, even breaths fill the silence and he simply let a fond smile grace his face, as he shut the tv off and devoted his entire attention to watch you sleep. not in a creepy way, in more of a ‘you’re so fucking cute, i would die for you’ way.

and it was in that moment, your arms never losing their tight grip on him, your nose twitching ever so often in your sleep and your legs wrapped around his, taehyung decided that he was helplessly in love with you and that conclusion only solidified for him when he reached to kiss your forehead, he still felt his body erupt in tingles, these tingles that he gets whenever he’s with you haven’t died since the day, he’s met you.

taehyung was in love. and he wanted to shout it from any building in the world.

you kicked the blanket around your feet as you tossed and turned to avoid the sunlight burning your eyes awake, and with one final groan, you pushed yourself up to lay on your elbows as you cursed everything about the day when its barely begun. you saw taehyung’s side of the bed empty and sighed, you remembered how warm he felt last night, and how his voice put you right to sleep, your cheeks warmed as your mind travelled to how he promised you his weekend just so you wouldn’t be sad and your heart did a good old flip as you continued to think about him.

you heard yeontan yapping at your feet, waiting for you to give him all your attention and love, you gave the cheery dog a soft smile before scooping him up in your arms and letting him lick all over your face while you giggled and tilted your head away from his sloppy kisses, once he finally calmed down, you just buried your face into his fur and realized yeontan only reminded you more about taehyung.

this was going to be a long day without him.

you could feel your stomach drop a little at the sad realization and you deemed it so unfair that you couldn’t spend every minute of your life with hi-

wait a minute.

it hasn’t even been 8 hours since you last saw him so why were you acting like his funeral was tomorrow? why did you miss him so much when you were literally in his arms not too long ago?

your head snapped up as you caught yourself thinking that as your legs flung over the side of the bed, your eyes widened at your own thoughts. any and all romance draining out of your body, as familiar dread and paranoia took its place.

where was all this coming from?

the last time you felt like this, was in grade school, when you still wore a little skirt and tie, and sat at the bleachers as you watched your then-boyfriend with flushed cheeks and giddy eyes, play basketball, he would always take the ball, give you a cocky smirk and say, ‘this one’s for you’, only for the ball to always fall to the side instead of into the hoop. you would just give him an awkward smile and slow applause, maybe you should’ve taken that missed shot as a sign that your relationship would end in disaster.

because all the while you adored and gave him heart eyes, he would smile right at your face, only to send a wink and smirk to someone else over your shoulder.

and now, after all these years, you gave those same lovesick eyes to taehyung. and you could feel your palms getting sweaty just at the thought of your relationship ending the same way.

of course, you knew better, you’ve come a long way since school, done a lot of growing up, and now, you were confident in yourself and you were almost completely sure that taehyung never did that. almost.

but how much did you see? maybe you missed it at some point. you let out a loud groan and fell back on the bed with hair everywhere on your face.

fuck, you were royally screwed.

it wasn’t even noon and your mind was hell bent to make this your worst day.

how could you think of taehyung like this? sweet, kind taehyung, who’s giving you his weekend, taehyung who always kisses you on the forehead at night when he thinks you’re sleeping, taehyung who defended mint chocolate with an adorable pout on his face, taehyung who cooed and played with every baby he saw, taehyung who knew everything about you, the good and the ugly, and still stayed, and most importantly, taehyung who loved you.

he loved you, it was no secret. boy was as whipped as they come, and anyone with two eyes could see it and he didn’t have to say it to you for you to know, you just knew that he loved you, he trusted you enough to introduce you to his dog and that was a very big deal to him (you quote, ‘it’s like you’re meeting my parents’).

and that scared you, because holy shit, this man is ready to give you the world but would you ever be able to carry everything he gives you? were you ready to admit to yourself that you would give him twice the world he gives you because that’s how precious he is to you?

you aren’t ready.

and you don’t think you ever will be.

maybe you should’ve gone to therapy for your commitment and trust issues when you were still in university because you definitely regretted flipping the finger to your kind on-campus counsellor now (she was actually very condescending and forced you to talk about your problems instead of easing into it like a good counsellor would so fuck her but you were still on that train of hating yourself, weren’t you?). it was almost like you never thought your issues would come back to bite you in the ass.

whatever, you can push this under the rug like you always have. it should be fine, it’s the way you have always dealt with, push it under the rug or run away from it.

and you know how ridiculous your thoughts are right now, you couldn’t possibly run away from taehyung, because here you were, all dressed up in a baby blue dress with your hands occupied in three large bags of takeout food for the hardworking boys in the practice room in front of you. and yes, you also know how pathetic it is to be so scared of being in love with this man and then coming right back to him because what if he missed his lunch? (you just wanted to see his face and no, you couldn’t go an entire day without him).

you sheepishly poked your head in and saw all of them scattered around the room, their heads snapping towards the now open door and you quickly looked for your man in the crowd, only to find him already looking at you with surprise evident in his eyes and a confused but lovely broad grin on his face as he happily skipped to you, pulling you in and closing the door behind you, almost immediately enveloping you in a warm hug.

“what are you doing here?” he happily sighed into the crook of your neck, and you could feel your heart stutter a little at the clear joy in his tone. you pulled away from him to lift the bags in your hands up.

“thought that you could use some food” you tilted your head to look at everyone else, giving them a shy smile and bow, taehyung looking at you with those eyes that he seemed to always look at you these days.

those lovesick eyes.

“fuck i love you” he chuckled slightly, grabbing the bags from your hands and walking away to set them on a table, not noticing how wide your eyes have gotten or the panic in your face as he said it.

he finally said the words you’ve been both dreading and longing to hear, and in such a casual way, you knew he just said it in a playful way for all the food you brought in but that didn’t mean your heart didn’t drop to your ass when you heard them. you snapped out of your trance when your ears caught them call you in a chorus, ushering you over to them.

“everything okay?” he whispered just low enough for you to hear, making sure that it didn’t catch anyone else’s attention. and as much as you wanted to fall on him and tell him everything your mind was putting you through, you gave him a tight smile and nodded your head.

you quietly walked up to them and only spoke when you were spoken to, a little too lost in yourself, looking to the side when taehyung nudged your elbow a little. you were never this silent, you were always bubbling with things to say or you made some dry jokes about your own suffering that had the whole room laughing, but right now, you just weren’t you. and that worried him.

“of course, i am always okay” you let out a nervous chuckle slip past your lips as you said it, cursing yourself for the slight break in your tone.

you weren’t okay.

you weren’t okay at all.

and taehyung knew that.

you could tell he wasn’t convinced at all with your answer so you just sighed and decided to come clean.

“we will talk about this later, okay? it isn’t anything bad, but it isn’t necessarily good either” you rambled silently, and taehyung, though unconvinced and worried sick now, nodded in agreement, giving you a side hug and kiss to your temple making your heart wrench in place even more.

“you know i love you, right? and that you can tell me anything?” you knew.

that was the problem.

you fucking knew he loved you and you didn’t know how to handle that.

but until your inevitable discussion later, you just leaned in for a kiss on his cheek making his cheeks flush and hurt a little at the almost immediate smile that grew on his face.

“aw look at them being all cute” jimin cooed from where he stood, clearly not having noticed the prior tense environment around the two of you.

“i’m telling you, it’s the honeymoon phase. they’ll be at each other’s throats soon” jungkook snickered harmlessly, as the others argued that you both have been in this honeymoon phase since forever now and it didn’t seem to go away anytime soon. and you turned red as they all continued to tease the two of you, making lighthearted jokes at how whipped you were and you didn’t have it in you to laugh like you usually would.

with jungkook and everyone else around you, people who you have become so comfortable with, it was all too overwhelming, you fit in so well, almost too well and that was one more thing for you to worry about.

when did you start feeling so at home with all of these people?

and why did spending lunch with them feel so normal all of a sudden?

you usually had lunch at your workplace with your friends, and you wouldn’t say you enjoyed it very much, because most of the time, you all were too exhausted to hold fun conversations, so it was all a very monotonous routine. but now, with taehyung and rest of them, you could feel bubbling energy every second you spent with them and it just felt so perfect.

but did it feel that way for them? or were you just intruding on their normal routine?

after a silent excuse to leave to work early and way too quick of a goodbye, you left with an even heavier mind than the one you spent all morning with. and even if you thought you were being subtle, your sour mood caught the attention of everyone in the room who were more concerned than you thought they would be.

“are you ready to tell me what’s going on with you?” taehyung walked in your apartment to see you slumped on the sofa, eyes teary with your focus on the tv which played somber ending music to a show (you weren’t crying because of the show, you were crying because oh my fucking god did you hate being you at that very moment, you were wallowing in self pity and with thoughts that you’ll die alone and loveless with around 20 cats, you even placed an order for catnip and bed impulsively for a cat you didn’t even own). you were doing great, clearly.

you couldn’t delay this conversation anymore without hurting either of you two even more.

“huh?” you sniffed, turning to see him pulling his coat off while keeping his narrowed and concerned eyes on you, you have never heard that tone on taehyung or seen him so agitated in a while.

at least both of them were never directed at you.

he dropped down next to you on the sofa, pulling the large bag of chips from your arms and setting it aside before looking right at you, refusing to break eye contact, leaving you to be the one to break it off with a sigh.

“i’m going to need you to listen to me without saying anything for the next 10 minutes because this is really hard for me to talk about, and i am not even sure what my actual problem is, i just don’t feel okay and i think i’m going to explode any second” you rambled, clearing your throat awkwardly at the end and crossing your arms across your chest like you were trying to protect yourself from your own words.

taehyung had never you seen this vulnerable, with your red-rimmed eyes, quivering lips and a loose sweater hanging off your shoulders, refusing to look at him, instead focusing on the socks adorning his feet and voice coming out in quiet gasps and whispers that he could barely hear.

you looked so fragile, so close to breaking to him. and that broke him too.

“whatever it is, we will figure it out together” he softly let out, forcing your arms out of the hold it had over your chest and tenderly grasping onto your hands, it made you feel exposed, even more vulnerable than you already were.

“i told you to be quiet” you choked out in a groan, tears pricking your eyes and he immediately cooed, rubbing the back of your hands and assuring that you now have the complete room to yourself.

“you know how things are going so well for us? like we spend at least 5 days in a week together and we’ve introduced each other to our friends and we’ve spoken briefly to each other’s parents too?”

“yeah, we’re obsessed with each other god.”

“taehyung?”

“yeah?”

“shut up.”

“okay” he chuckled and gestured for you to continue, making you smile a little too.

“i just feel like everything is going so well, and i feel so happy, so comfortable, i feel like i’m at a place in my life that i’ve been running towards my whole life but now that i’m actually here, i feel…scared?” taehyung raised an eyebrow at the end of your sentence, but not questioning anything because you continued your worried rant.

“it’s like, everything about you and your life has fit in so perfectly with mine, even with your busy schedule and my pain-in-the-ass work hours, we somehow make it work but i’m scared that it will all just go away at some point and i’ll be back at square one. i’ve never felt like this before, i love you, a lot and i love everything about us, i’m so happy with how we are, i just need reassurance that we will stay like this for as long as we can be, that’s all” you let out a deep breathe you didn’t know you were holding and looked at him nervously, chewing your bottom lip and you were sure that you bit it too hard. your heart pounded so hard, it felt like it was going to escape the cage of your chest.

“first off, stop biting your lip like that, you’re going to split it open and second, i love you too and third, is that it? you’re scared that we won’t last?” taehyung looked at you in disbelief that you would even think that you could get rid of him as his hands tightened around your own.

“and that you will leave me for someone else” you sighed out, figuring that it was best to just lay it all out there while you’re at it. taehyung just looked down and shook his head, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“you really don’t have a clue of how in love i am with you, do you?” you slowly shook your head at his rhetorical question.

“well, i guess i have to remind you. you have nothing to worry about when it comes to us, okay? whatever we are, and whatever we will become, i promise to try my best to always make it work for us, because just like you said, i love us and i love you. and if you don’t know what to do, we can figure it out together, i haven’t been in many relationships either, at least not meaningful ones so i have no clue but together, we can do anything, yeah?” he waited for your nod which came shortly after his words, you didn’t even realize you were crying until taehyung reached up to rub your tears away gently with his thumb, all while holding a soft smile to you.

“i love you, okay? and i am not going anywhere, i don’t want to be anywhere else so next time you feel like this, don’t suffer alone, come to me and we can either cry together or i can kiss your tears away, whichever works for you, though i would prefer the k-“ he was cut short when you literally threw your body on top of his, he immediately broke into a small giggle, reaching to wrap his arms around you too.

“i think you liked the kisses idea” he lightly teased making you laugh and mumble a low ‘shut up’ into his hoodie.

“do you promise? that we’ll try till we can’t?” you leaned back with glassy eyes and he smiled, nodding his answer.

“i promise, now you shut up and come back here” he pulled you back so that you would fall with your head nestled into his neck again.

“oh, one thing” he spoke up again and you let him continue.

“can you bring us lunch more often? because they all seem to love you more than they love me” he pouted a little, recounting how everyone rushed to ask him if everything was okay with you after practice was over and you smiled a little, feeling a little stupid for worrying so much about intruding on them.

“of course, as long as i get to see you” you jokingly blew him a kiss to which he reacted with an equally dramatic reaction, clutching his chest and scrunching his eyes shut, acting like he got shot and falling off the couch, the silence being filled with your loud laughs.

and that is how you end all your nights with him, filled with joy, and filled to the brim, with love.

turns out you didn’t need therapy after all.

but what were you going to do with all that catnip now?

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animeyanderelover · 3 years

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Hello A-Chan, this is my first time requesting ever, but I was really hooked onto your blog so I thought I’d give it a shot! Could you do prompt 46 with Asura from Naruto? Also, how are you doing?

I love Asura, not gonna lie. I love such guys a lot. I would say regarding boys that is my type. I would like to say that I'm fine, but I am nervous as hell for next week since it'll be one exam after another

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, obsessiveness, delusions, clinginess, slight angst, paranoia

Prompt 46: “Can I...can I kiss you?”

There were days where you had seen Asura being discouraged, where you had seen him being partially down, disappointed from everyone only seeing his brother as worthy and him as more of an airhead. There had been days where you had witnessed that he as well had his moments of sadness and regret.

But right now this was something completely different, something much more serious than what you had witnessed so far. But could you blame him? After all that had happened the last few days? After Indra’s betrayal? And after Asura had been made the next leader? He was currently carrying a lot of responsibility and sorrow on his shoulder and due to his stubbornness to put his own problems over the ones of the villagers he was brewing everything in himself together, keeping everything for himself. Maybe because he didn’t want to discourage the villagers by letting them see that their leader was currently having his own problems and maybe also because he didn’t want to risk his brother risking the chance to attack again.

His brother was almost like an invisible weapon hanging tight over everyone’s head, no one knew when he would come again which made everyone extremely uneasy. That was why Asura refused to give himself some rest, refused to show his feelings too openly. He was the hope for everyone and if he would crumble, they would slightly panic and he didn’t want everyone worrying over him.

But you were his spouse, you had the right to know such things and since you knew him better than many others, since the youngest childhood days, he didn’t feel the need to hide anything from you. Even if he did, you could tell if he was lying or not and whenever you started consoling him, he ended up breaking a bit down in front of you to reveal his vulnerable feelings and all the pain and doubts he was hiding under all of his happiness and joy. He was a human as well and you didn’t expect him to be all the time positive. Of course it was nothing bad, it was a good thing he was the way he was. Maybe he was sometimes just a bit...inexhaustible. But you had learned to endure him and all his clinginess and his sometimes too sweet behavior.

But it was rare for him to be seen whilst being distraught or radiating off sadness and disappointment. But that was what you had found him like when you had woken up in the middle of the night in bed, with him having positioned himself so that his head had been burried in your hair, arms having wrapped themselves tightly around your form so you could not escape with a tight grip that gave you the feeling that he was silently begging for comfort and his breath being slightly erratic. It was not the first time you had seen him being like this, it happened every once in a while, but since he had pleaded you to not tell anyone, you had kept quiet about it. Only his father knew.

“Was it about Indra again?”, you asked him, turning your body a bit so your back was now laying on the mattress and so that you could face him a bit better. He did not answer instantly, but he nodded after a while, a untypical depressed look in his eyes. He looked exhausted and tired, and you didn’t mean because he had woken up late at night, but because right now he was done with all that had happened, all the piled up feelings getting to him. Those nightmares of him were one of those things that had happened only a while after his brother had left and nearly killed everyone and Hagoromo had told you that this might be a result from all the stress and the loss of his older brother whom Asura had cared for very much.

“Do you want to tell me about it? Was there anything different this time?”, you continued to talk to him, running your fingers a bit through his brown hair in order to calm him down. “You know you can tell me everything. I’m here Asura, I’ll always be.”

Mentioning it seemed to bring back unpleasant memories judging from the way his body went suddenly a bit rigid, muscles tensing up. Something had definitely happened to him. “Take your time. You can tell me or don’t, I’m fine with both. Whatever you feel most comfortable with.”

“He-he...” Asura did not even want to speak it out loud, struggling with his words which he couldn’t piece together in that one moment, mind being too much in chaos from the dream he just had to think normally just yet.

You had patience though, you knew no one had been more shattered from the recent events than Asura had. Of course you had been close to Indra too, though you now were sure he didn’t think of you as a friend anymore, looking back on how he had launched at you back then, knowing how much you meant to his brother. And it had been one of the very few times Asura had truly been infuriated with him, a temporarily darker look having crossed his face and for a few moments he had attacked with his brute strength as well which had even shocked his brother and had turned out to be the one moment where Asura had managed to finish him off with the help of the others.

“He killed you. He killed you and I couldn’t do anything against it. All I could do was watching you die.” His voice was trembling a bit. It might have been only a dream, but it seemed to mess with Asura still pretty badly, maybe because he knew that this might have really happened and might happen again with Indra’s current plan and whereabouts unknown was taking it’s toll on him as well.

“It’s fine Asura. It was only a dream. I am still here, aren’t I?”, you tried to cheer him up a bit. He didn’t look so sure when he looked up, though a small smile graced his features when he saw you looking slightly concerned down at him. “Your hair looks quite funny.”

With your free hand you twirled a strain of your hand in your hand before shrugging with your shoulders and letting go of it again. “I just woke up so you can’t exactly expect me to look like I just came out of a full dress-up. Also, for someone who is currently wanting my comfort so badly, you don’t exactly use the right methods.”, you teased slightly playfully, nudging him slightly.

“I still think even with this kind of hairstyle you look stunning. For me you always look stunning, no matter what.”

You scoffed a bit, trying to hide the fact that you were flattered by him and his charm, though it was a good sign that he was getting so flirty with you again, it meant he was starting to feel better.

“Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve someone as pretty and great as you. You were always there for me, no matter what.”, he mumbled, placing the one hand who was still playing with his hair over yours and guiding it to his face and letting it rest on his cheek, intertwining his fingers with yours.

“Well, we did promise when we were you get we would marry each other, didn’t we? Though I remember that I rejected at first and you constantly trailed behind me and continued to propose to me at least once a day. You always plucked flowers or tried to cook something for me in hopes to charm me.”, you answered, giggling a bit when remembering all those times he had asked you to marry him like some lovesick fool, though he had stayed that way the complete time, the only difference now was that you were married to that man. Asura had never given up once, no matter how much you had rejected him as a child. It had helped him reaching your heart with his ambition and the fact that he had never given up once.

“I know, I probably was a bit annoying back then. But I just knew from all the way back then that you were the person I wanted to marry. Thank you for saying yes and marrying me. Thank you for being with me.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that. As I said, I’ll be here for you. Always. Also, please stop talking like this. You’re embarrassing me.” He was currently being a bit too much of a romantic talker for your taste, making you flustered despite having been attacked by this more than anyone else had.

Your reply made Asura grin a bit, sitting slowly up to meet you face to face, the previous look of fear having succumbed a bit, warmth having returned to them. “Thank you for helping me. I feel a lot better now.”, he told you, pressing his forehead against yours.

“I don’t like when you’re sad. But I’m also glad you do try to hide it from me do I can help you to start with. But Asura,”, you gave him a serious look,”please keep in mind that Indra leaving us was not your fault. It was his own decision and no one could have stopped him from going, even if we would have knocked him out and dragged him back. Understood?”

He glanced for a short moment away, hesitation filling his expression for a short moment before he sighed a bit. “That is easier said than done. I still feel like I could have done more. But you’re right, I don’t believe that I could have stopped him, no matter what I might have tried. Next to that he tried to destroy the village and to kill you.” For a millisecond you thought his expression darkened again, though it was hard to tell since it was not that easy to see him properly whilst it was night.

But it was rather quickly gone and from the way he kept glancing at your lips, you forgot rather quickly about that.

“Can I...can I kiss you?”

“We’re married silly. So why even asking? We’ve kissed before.”, you scoffed.

Asura was a bit taken aback when hearing you say this before scratching his neck embarrassed. “No reason to sound so harsh.”, he replied sheepishly before leaning closer and locking his warm pair of lips with you, loosening up a lot by doing so, feeling new energy flowing through him.

“Better now?”, you asked slightly amused afterwards. Asura nodded, grinning the usual bright way he always did. “Great, then let’s go back to sleep. It’s still late at night.”, you grumbled, finally letting the tiredness getting the better of you and sliding down into the blankets, soon being accompanied by Asura who seemed different from you more awake, something still on his mind.

“You know, I still hope that my brother will eventually come back to his senses and return to the village though I don’t think he will. But if he should ever try to hurt you again like he did the last time despite you having been one of his best friends...I won’t spare him just because he is my brother. I won’t let him hurt you.”

#yandere naruto #yandere naruto shippuden #yandere asura #yandere asura otsutsuki

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 3 years

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Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 167 prt 1

167

Having Coran come, both Lance and Curtis were now asleep on the sofa. With a little quintessence manipulation, Curtis was asleep in moments, Coran feeling it the best option in light of his episode during the night. Lance’s quintessence had been manipulated too, though Coran had done that for pain reasons. Massaging Lance’s lower back, the sounds the vampire made verged on pornographic as the pain was eased leaving Lance falling asleep naturally against him. Keith cuddling him close, knowing he was going to be sad about Curtis leaving with Shiro and Coran after what Lance would deem a short visit. It was enough to make a man’s head ache, though that might also be due to a lack of sleep and paint fumes from getting a bit carried away with his brother and their quest for perfectly painted walls.

Sitting on the coffee table, Shiro had his head in his hands. Matt hadn’t teased him at all, and without Matt’s teasing things felt tense. Keith wished he knew how to break the tension, yet he also knew Shiro might just snap if one of them tried to. Rieva had gone for a run to work off her anger over the situation. Like him, she wasn’t so much mad at Curtis, just more shocked none of them had heard him make such a mess. The blood had stained, ruining Lance’s kitchen table. Lance assured him it’d happened before and he’d take care of it, but they wouldn’t have to take care of it if the demon wasn’t so close to the surface thanks to fucking Honerva. She was just the gift that kept on giving, even from the grave.

Curtis blamed himself entirely, yet remembered nothing about being in the kitchen and destroying anything. Krolia had it from Lance, but everything in the fridge had been coated with blood, the only things surviving were the things inside the containers. Forgetting that she’d made Lance a cup of tea, his boyfriend was spared as Keith’s caffeine deprived brain had him scull back the tea. It wasn’t until he’d drained the mug that he found it was both tea and salt had been added instead of sugar. His mother needed reading lessons from what he could tell. The sugar lived in the sugar canister that clearly read “Sugar”. She would have had to move away from the sugar to find the cooking salt in the spice rack. Keith couldn’t be completely angry at her. She’d totally stepped up. Calmly they’d cleaned the kitchen to as close to Lance’s standards as they could get it, happily pottering around in a way that reminded him of Mami. When he thought like that, it only made sense that Lance would turn to her for maternal comfort. Part of him absolutely hated cleaning up Curtis’s mess, but for him to be there doing it really did show him that Lance could turn to him and that’s all he wanted.

“We should leave”

Shiro’s words hurt. His brother sounded defeated. Manipulating Curtis’s quintessence had been at Curtis’s request. The man didn’t trust himself to be awake, though Lance kept trying to tell him that these things happen. Matt backed him up over how easy it was to let your ego slip and do something you didn’t mean to, but for Curtis it seemed to be the ultimate betrayal to ever do anything against Lance. Lance hadn’t had the best start with Curtis, they both thought the other one hated them and Keith clearly remembered how upset that made his boyfriend. Now the pair were as thick as thieves. They’d both tried to protect each other in an impossible situation. A situation he still hadn’t brought any closer to a resolution for Lance as he still hadn’t let him go to the house.

Maybe it was the time with him mum spent cleaning, but it stirred up the memory of his first kill. He’d wanted to go back. He’d forgotten about it seeing how many times he’d had to kill since. Or maybe it was the way Lance looked at his kitchen once it’d been cleaned, relief like a burden lifted making his boyfriend smile.

“I think that is a very good idea number one. To think the demon would act so violently in the presence of kin. Had I known, I would have come myself with you”

Keith didn’t get the “kin” bit. Was it because demons came from hell and Lance had a close connection with the darkness and death? Sighing to himself more than anything, he replied

“You didn’t. None of us did. Look, Lance gets it, and if he wasn’t pregnant I would be okay with you guys staying... but when I think about him hurting Lance I can’t. Not just because of Lance and our twins, but because Curtis would never forgive himself. I’m sorry, Shiro. You’ve been so patient with Lance...”

“I get it. I wouldn’t want a demon around my pregnant boyfriend either”

Shiro sounded bitter, Keith’s heart hurting a fresh for his brother

“It’s not... you guys are never not welcome here. Curtis isn’t in a good place mentally and I don’t want him going through something worse. Coran, will the summoning still happen?”

“Three days time. I’ve cleared the lowest level of VOLTRON. The seals and charms are in place, yet there’s an ingredient or two that are still brewing”

“Can we be there?”

Coran shook his head

“I’m sorry. The only ones allowed in the chamber will be Allura, myself, Curtis and Shiro”

His brother hadn’t told him that bit

“Shiro?”

“He will anchor Curtis’s soul to the realm as the demon is summoned. For someone like you and Lance to be there would upset your bonds with each other. You may stay on an upper floor during the summoning, but I cannot allow you down to that level”

“Is that because you keep saying Lance and I are soulmates?”

“Yes. Your souls are so tightly linked it is very remarkable. I do not take manipulating his quintessence today lightly. Even though it alleviated his pain, there is a still a slight disturbance. You surely noticed the physical changes you have gone through by his side”

“The physical?”

“Increased stamina. Overly protective. You notice his scent that others would miss. The love you share is woven down to the base of your very being. All of you are remarkably connected with your quintessence. Even you Shiro. The demon’s own quintessence is leaking freely. We will grasp it by this quintessence and pull it into our plain before banishment to the demon realm”

Hang on

“Is it safe to do that? Won’t Shiro be hurt?”

Coran huffed, hand coming up to brush his long orange hair back from his face with a smirk

“A low level demon holds nothing against a fae”

Did Coran just totally brag about being a fae? Keith didn’t know what to say about that. Coran was cooky and hooky, but all he ever bragged about was Allura and Lance... and his adventures in his youth

“No need to stare, number two! We’ll get this pesky demon dealt with, then start planning the wedding!”

“Who’s wedding? What?”

“Shiro’s and Curtis’s of course! Now, we really should leave. I estimate Curtis won’t rouse for several more hours, plenty of time to get located in VOLTRON, all nice and snug as a bug. Oh, I have something for Lance the next time you two pop in!”

Coran stated Shiro’s sudden up coming wedding with such certainty that Shiro gaped at him. Keith felt like saying “Welcome to the club”, where all their friends were off in la-la land and people suddenly got married after ridiculously short spans dating. Instead the hunter carefully shook Lance’s shoulder

“Babe, Shiro and Curtis are leaving. You wanna say bye, right?”

Lance nodded as he yawned. His boyfriend tangling himself in the blanket as he moved suddenly to hug Shiro, half falling off the sofa as he did. Sucking his lips in, Keith bit the top one lightly to keep from laughing as Lance all but climbed up Shiro’s legs before wrapping his arms around his waist. Shiro’s expression was a kind of resigned sigh if a sigh could be an expression

“Lance?”

“He’ll be alright... I’m not mad at him, but if you need anything you better call me or I’m going to be sad”

Shiro’s moves were jerky as he placed his hand on Lance’s shoulder

“I’m sorry...”

“Don’t you dare apologise. He didn’t mean to and I won’t have anyone saying he did on purpose. We’re a pack and our pack mate just needs a little more attention right now”

Shiro tilted his head, Keith snorting at his brother who seemed a few moments behind as his brain short circuited over “wedding”

“He means we’re family. And family rely on each other. He’s right though. If you don’t ask for help or call me, I’m throwing all your bobble heads out”

That got Shiro kicked into gear. Sliding his hand down, his brother leaned forward to hug Lance the best he could

“Thank you”

“Curtis is “Dude-bro” for life. So are you. I wish you guys could have stayed longer, but right now Curtis can’t handle the stress and paranoia. Make sure you tell him I won’t watch any of our shows without him. We’re going to have a marathon once that demon fucks off”

Shiro chuckled

“I’ll be sure to”

“And make sure he knows that I’m not mad. I know I told him and I’ll keep telling him, but it’s really important you remind him that none of us are. I know from personal experience”

“I’ll make sure he knows”

“And make sure you eat. And shower. And sleep. And call Keith. Like three times a day”

Lance was getting bossy in all the right ways. His tone taking on the tone he usually used when scolding them for their misbehaviour

“I will. You make sure you get some rest”

“I’m gonna. Gonna make Keith take a nap too. I want to work on the nursery with you guys properly... and get photos of uncle Shiro hard at work”

“Sounds good, kiddo. We’ll see you in a few days”

“I really wish you didn’t have to go”

“I know. Next time we’ll stay longer”

“Good. Okay, babe, I think I’m stuck between your brother’s legs”

That wasn’t happening. Lance was his boyfriend and he wasn’t sharing. Shuffling forward on the sofa, Keith pulled on Lance’s shoulders, Lance letting himself be pulled up as he put a little vampire strength in it, winding up in Keith’s lap suddenly. Leaning back, Lance sighed at him

“Sorry. My strength is playing up again”

“Don’t be sorry. Aren’t you going to say goodbye to the others?”

“Yeah. Thanks for coming out Coran, and Krolia, thanks for helping with the kitchen. You’re welcome to come stay any time you want to”

“Don’t tell her that, she might never leave”

Lance giggled at him. His boyfriend was definitely the wrong side of sleepy

“That’s okay with me. She’s part of our pack too. And so’s Coran”

Patting Lance’s leg, Keith felt he should probably be polite

“I know. Let me up and I’ll show them to the door”

“No need, number two. We’ll see ourselves out. Make sure you two take it easy. You’ll be back at work next week, and I’m afraid you’ll have to hit the ground running”

Keith groaned deeply. Work. Ugh. Lance shook his head at him

“None of that. I’m proud of you, babe. The world needs a hot grizzled manly hunter out there”

With his heart going stupid, Keith blushed hard. Mouth opening and closing as he didn’t know what to say. He was having a thought and having a thought that meant having to do a thing that wasn’t doing the do. He just knew it felt like the right thing to do... but first he needed to do the sleep.

“Baaaaabe. Babe, wake up...”

Scrunching his eyes tightly closed, Keith tried not to be awake. He’d been awake with his eyes closed for a little while now. Hand resting on Lance’s belly as his boyfriend kissed his cheek. Tomorrow was the doing day. Feeling Lance’s hand slide down to his underwear, being awake didn’t seem like such a bad idea anymore. Wrapping his arm around Lance, he hugged his boyfriend close, Lance laughing softly at him

“Having fun?”

“Mmm... I want to suck your dick. But only if you’re down for that”

“I think I’m up for that”

They’d both felt down with Shiro, Curtis, Krolia, and Coran leaving. Rieva apologised for her aggression, but the mood kind of felt somber all day. Writing off the day they’d gotten pizza from Sal’s before both couples curled up in the living room for some mindless TV in the middle of the night. The following morning Lance was on the phone to Hunk when Keith finally forced himself out of bed. Somehow the pair had managed to spend the last two hours on the phone. Hunk had everything explained to him, Lance’s mood much better for it. Their walking ray of sunshine had brought comfort food, the day spent having some seriously serious gaming in which Lance took no prisoners murdering zombies, while Keith seemed to only get himself murdered in game. Keith knew most of it was for his benefit, seeing he really couldn’t stop thinking about Shiro, and appreciated the thought. Thinking about what he had planned, Keith had coaxed Lance to bed early, now he seemed to be paying the price.

Smiling at him, Lance moved to straddle his waist. Normally he was the one initiating things, when Lance wasn’t in heat, but Lance could be a horny little shit and he loved when he was. God. This was most definitely the best way to wake up. Moving his hands to his boyfriend’s hips, Lance leaned down to kiss him, Keith having to lean up thanks to his boyfriend’s belly. Deciding three quick pecks were enough, his boyfriend drew back with a smirk. Running his finger down Keith’s chest, Lance pouted at him

“Babe, if I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?”

“I don’t know... Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you”

“I hope you know CPR, you’re taking my breath away”

“Babe, you’re already dead”

Lance sighed as he shook his head, that pout coming back

“Here I was trying to be alluring. Now you’re saying I’m a stiff with a stiffy?”

“Yep... but your arse is seriously out of this world”

“Keep that up and you’re going the right way for a spanked bottom, Keith Kogane”

Raising an eyebrow, he could kind of support that

“Do you promise?”

“What am I going to do with you?”

“Suck me off?”

“Maybe I’ll eat you out... take my time to enjoy this meal beneath me”

“Oh, so now I’m a snack?”

“I’ll snack on you!”

Leaning down, Lance bared his fangs. Keith laughing as his boyfriend pretended to be a mindless vampire, nomming at thin air

“Babe! Babe... I thought you wanted to be sexy”

Pulling back, Lance nodded at him. Keith trying to compose himself

“I do. I’ve wanted to do this for a while now”

“What?”

“This. Us. You beneath me...”

Oh. Keith blinked, not sure he was getting what Lance wasn’t saying. Did his boyfriend want to fuck him and was settling with sucking him off? Or was Lance content with sucking him off? He didn’t bottom because he didn’t enjoy the sensation. Lance was pretty content bottoming... more than content, yet he also knew his boyfriend had other needs. Not to just be fucked but to be the one doing the fucking. That’s why the pocket pussy lived within hands reach. It was their compromise. Silently agreed upon to help Lance cope with his vampire ego’s desire to be on top.

“Babe, there’s no need to look so confused. If you’re not into it, that’s fine”

“No. No... I’m definitely into it, and I’d like to be in you... I just... Do you want me to do anything?”

His words failed to say what he wanted them to say

“I want to touch you. That’s what I want”

“But what about you?”

“I want tonight to be about you. I want you to fall apart and I want to taste you...”

Keith liked when pleasure was a two way street. Sometimes it was about just scratching that itch, yet even then they never left each other wanting. He didn’t feel ashamed in loving Lance, nor ashamed of loving Lance. Unlike Coran he couldn’t believe in soulmates. But he did believe that Lance was the only one he wanted for the rest of his life. And shit if his brain power hadn’t shorted out at his boyfriend’s words

“I better not keep you waiting then”

“Thanks for the meal!”

His boyfriend was an idiot.

His boyfriend was an idiot with a very skilled mouth... and Keith was an idiot lost to his skills. Tearing off Keith’s underwear, literally, Lance hooked his legs over his shoulders and buried himself between them without a moments hesitation. Lance might be a good God fearing vampire, but the things he did were utterly sinful. Starting off by sucking him, Keith moaned as Lance hollowed his cheeks, taking him right to the base like he was born to. His lover’s hands on his legs, lulling him into total bliss before his eyes were shooting wide at the thumb rubbing against his opening. Chuckling around his dick, his boyfriend pulled off leaving a trail of saliva and precum the tip of Keith erection to Lance’s perfect little lips

“Relax for me, baby. I’m going to eat you out”

That didn’t require a thumb there. For a moment Keith wondered if he should maybe be ashamed with his legs hanging open, leaving everything on display... but this was Lance, who’d seen it all before. With a single stiff nod of permission, his boyfriend smiled down at him

“Don’t worry, babe. I’m going to eat you out then suck you off for dessert. You taste so fucking good... just relax for me and let me take care of you... look at you... you’re so damn beautiful, babe”

Fisting their sheets, Keith lost it. The heat pooled in his belly was bordering painful. His dick dribbling precum that pooled at the bend of his body. Lance’s tongue working the taunt rim of his opening, no where he ever expected to enjoy a tongue so much. The pleasure building so badly that he knew a single touch against his straining erection would have him coming apart. This was what Lance did to him. He drew out all his deepest carnal desires and stripped his human form to that of the hungry beast inside. Damn... that tongue... he didn’t care that Lance’s teeth would occasionally press against his skin when that tongue was magical

“Babe... fuck... I want to come”

The hunger in Lance’s eyes sent a shiver down his spine as his boyfriend pulled back

“You can come any time you want”

He was wired too, but that wiring wasn’t quite there with being eaten out tonight. Underneath the fog in his brain, he kept thinking about Lance’s needs. His wishes... how maybe if his tongue felt so fucking good that he could cry, then maybe something bigger wouldn’t be bad

“I want you...”

“You want me to do what?”

“Touch me more...”

Lance nodded, moving Keith’s legs apart a little more before sinking his mouth back over Keith’s dick. Keith’s hand shot to grab Lance by the hair. The muscles of his inside thighs and stomach jumping and twitching as he tried not to come

“Not like that... in me... I want to... try”

Lance backed off completely. Keith’s orgasm still so damn close that it hurt, but his boyfriend’s behaviour had him confused. Did Lance not want to try... that?

“Babe?”

“Sorry... I’m... you want to...?”

“I know you get urges too...”

Those were the wrong words. Lance immediately frowning at him. Why did his scent have to be damn addictive? And so very telling?

“I want to make you feel good... I don’t want you forcing yourself because you some how think I want it”

“It’s not that... I think I want to try that again with you”

Lance didn’t seem convinced. Running his hands down Keith’s thighs, the movement nearly pushed him to coming

“Not tonight. Tonight is about you”

“I think...”

“No more thinking. Let me make you come”

“But...”

“I know what you like, babe. Let me make you come in my mouth”

Shifting back, Lance lifted his legs again, sinking down around Keith’s erection with his eyes closed. He only got as far as drawing back before Keith was coming. Orgasm smashing through him as his toes curled as he grunted in pleasure.

Sucking him dry, Lance used his tongue to make sure he was completely clean before lowering his shaking legs. Climbing up to slump beside him, Keith’s chest heaved as he caught his breath, totally ready for a nap now. Staring at the ceiling, his left hand came up rest on his chest, heart racing like he’d run a marathon

“Shit... that... mouth of yours...”

Lance snorted at him, his baby bump pressing against the hunter’s arm. His bump... he loved that bump

“Feel good?”

“Criminally”

Lance sighed lightly as he kissed Keith’s shoulder

“I love you. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever met”

Moving his arm, Keith wasn’t sure what he was trying to do with it seeing it was trapped against him. His hand brushed over Lance’s tenting sweats, but his boyfriend didn’t react

“Lay back...”

“‘Nah, I’m okay like this”

Lance was turning down a blow job? Not to brag but his boyfriend loved his blow jobs

“Babe...?”

“Not tonight. Tonight I wanted to touch you”

“Maybe I want to touch you?”

“It’s fine. I want to snuggle with you”

Okay. He could snuggle... he could also down a litre of water right about now. He was thirsty as heck

“I’m thirsty... I don’t know if my legs are going to hold me up”

“I can get you some water... I don’t mind. Actually, hold on and I’ll be right back”

Walking around with an erection didn’t feel great. Keith had plenty of experience with that... as Lance moved away from him, Keith propped himself up. He didn’t want to force Lance into anything, but he didn’t know why he didn’t want him to touch him too. His lover hadn’t even taken his pants off. Even when Keith’s lavished attention on Lance’s body, his boyfriend then insisted on lavishing him as much in return... unless he’d fallen asleep right after coming. Now he had a conundrum and no dust bunnies to run the wheel until a logical thought was churned out.

Coming back to bed, Lance smiled at him as he passed him the glass of water. Keith had heard the toilet flush, his boyfriend never got a break from having to pee

“Thanks, babe”

“You’re welcome”

Leaning over, Lance kissed his forehead. Keith very much naked on display, yet Lance wasn’t looking. Getting up from the side of the bed, his boyfriend walked around, rather than simply climbing over him to get to his side. Pulling the covers up, he left Keith to cool. Still heated and sweaty from being blown into the next dimension. Wriggling himself into place, Lance wrapped his arm around him.

Placing the glass on the bedside table, Keith slid down into his spot, kissing the top of Lance’s head

“You good, babe?”

“Mhmm... brushed my teeth”

Lance tilted his head up, blowing across Keith’s face, before nuzzling into his chest

“See, minty fresh”

“I can tell... you sure you’re okay?”

“Mhmm...”

Keith tried to let it slide, but he couldn’t

“Babe... why didn’t you want to do me?”

Lance sighed at him, fingers sliding up to sit lightly curled on Keith’s stomach

“I wanted to make you feel good. You don’t like bottoming and that’s okay”

“But I wanted to try it”

“And I wanted to focus on making you feel good... did I not make you feel good?”

Shit. Abort. Things were going sideways

“No. No, babe. It felt very very good. It felt so good that I thought maybe I wouldn’t mind something bigger”

“Mmm, I know one finger is your limit... I don’t mind”

“But you didn’t want me to...”

“Keith, I love you. I love you and I’m sleepy. I wanted to touch you. I wanted to make you feel every bit as loved as you are”

“But I love sucking your dick”

#once bitten twice stupid #oncestupidtwicestupid #ashratherose

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dumbkiri · 5 years

Text

Buried Secrets One

Parts: [ Here, 2, 3 ]

Summary: Rachel is contacted by [Name], who unknowingly does it. Rachel wakes up with little memory of the nightmare and lets Gar knows what she found out. Both young teens, question how Dick knows [Name] and don’t get many answers from him because [Name] reaches out to Rachel again. Only this time, she shows her that she is in danger.

Pairing: Dick Grayson x Female! Reader

Genre: Slight Angst, Slight Action

Word Count: 3.8k, 10 pages

Warnings: None

Nights were always the favorite time of day she admired most. The beautiful night sky with its twinkling stars and bright moon. The colors of blue and white mixing among each other. The cool breeze of the season kissing her skin lightly. Then her [e.color] eyes drifted from the dark sky to her hands.

She looked at them with neither awe or disgust. Although her hands allowed her to do extraordinary things. She could lift a truck that weighed a ton as long as she concentrated enough without touching it. She had the ability to teleport and fly. And if that wasn't enough to prove that she was powerful, she could use her hands to summon hexes. These hexes could be thrown as small attacks and even crush someone if she had the willpower to do so.

She let her fingers dance on the railing, little red flares swirling around her hands. She began humming a piano song she learned when she was a child. The notes prominent in her mind. Her fingers then stopped dancing and ended up tapping to the song she was humming.

A smile graced her face as she remembered the good times. Memories where she felt loved and cared for. When he took care of her. When he fed her love and affection as she was famished with all the crime fighting. He tended to her wounds as she did him. Mentally and physically.

"You shouldn't be thinking about him," She scolded herself. Her fingers stopped moving and wrapped around the railing tightly. "He left you, alone." She closed her eyes and sighed. The breeze was gone and she wished for it to come back like how she wished he would.

Her eyes opened up and gazed at the moon. It was full as her mind was. Full of regrets, mistakes and troubles. Then she looked over her shoulder where she saw a crib. A galaxy mobile spinning the planets attached to it in circles. The sun playing soft piano music. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star reaching her ears and no doubt the baby who cooed in the crib.

He was there for her when she gave birth to their son. He had the opportunity to hold the newborn baby. He had the opportunity to have a family and finally quit being Robin for good. But he abandoned them. Said it was for their own safety.

Yet she couldn't forget the first time he laid his eyes on their son. His smile was the brightest that day. She could have sworn she heard angels singing from Heaven.

…...

Dick smiled down at his son. He couldn't tell what color his eyes were. They were changing from blue to brown to green then back to blue. It amazed him how beautiful his son's eyes were.

More so, he was awed by how tiny his son's hand was compared to his own. The fact that one hand could only hold one finger on his hand was astonishing. He looked up from his son and to his partner. Maybe it was time to take the next step; consider marriage.

[Name] was watching Dick and when her eyes met his, she spoke, "He's beautiful."

"Yeah, he is," Dick agreed softly and handed the newborn baby over to her.

She shifted in her spot before taking the baby boy in her arms. Immediately, their son reached for her face and she leaned down more. A tear escaped her eyes and she laughed, "He's so beautiful."

Her tear touched the baby's hand and slid passed his little fingers. "I think we should name him John," [Name] said looking up at Dick with hopeful eyes.

Dick remained standing beside her bedside, "John?" He questioned her with raised eyebrows. That was his father's name and was also his middle name.

[Name] shrugged her shoulders and rocked the baby gently, "I don't see why not, it's the perfect name for him."

"I couldn't agree more," Dick leaned toward her and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

……

"You could have stayed with us a bit longer," [Name] said sadly and walked back into her house. She slid the balcony door closed and locked it with a click. Her bare feet touching the brown carpet and her toes warming up. She walked over to the crib and peered inside of it.

John smiled at her and kicked his feet in excitement. He reached his hands up and touched her hair with his nimble fingers. Before he could tug on her [h.color] strands, she pulled away. Her arms went over the crib and she wrapped them carefully around his body.

He cried out happily and his feet continued to kick. But he stopped once his head was against her shoulder and his arms tucked in her chest. She had one arm under his bottom and one on the small of his back.

[Name] could feel John began to drool on her. But that was a sign of him getting sleepy. She looked at the mobile she recently bought and cursed at it. That thing was supposed to help her put John to sleep. All it did was keep him awake with its revolving planets. Maybe she could return it, she should have the receipt somewhere around the house.

John's breathing became more calmer and slower. It was repeating a rhythm of short inhales and long exhales. Soon they were balanced out. She patted his back gently and walked out of his bedroom to go to her own.

Her feet barely flinched from the cold tile below her feet. It was a change from carpet to tile and one day she was going to make the house all carpet. Well except for the kitchen and dining room.

[Name] pushed her door open with her foot and walked over to another crib she bought. This time this crib did not have a mobile, instead it had a stuffed lion waiting for John to cuddle with it. She carefully leaned over the crib and put the sleeping two year old in it.

His fingers curled up into little fists and red swirls emitted from his hands. [Name] panicked and put her hands over his own. She began to overpower him, this was something she had to do on occasions. If not, John would be lifting things without a second thought.

She closed her eyes and concentrated. After about a minute, the red swirls were gone. Who would have known that he would have the ability to control chaos magic. She wished that he would have stayed normal, it'd been much easier to take care of him.

[Name] removed her hands and made sure that John would stay asleep. He kept his eyes closed, his smile replaced with a peaceful look. God, he was so beautiful.

She brought the stuff lion close to his body and he immediately cuddle with it. His arms holding tightly onto the animal with his drool slowly making contact with its snout.

[Name]'s phone started ringing and buzzing on her night stand. She straightened out her back and sped walked over to the device. It was an unknown number calling her. Her hand picked her phone up and she tapped the answer button. She brought her phone to her ear, "Hello?"

There was only static on the other side.

"Hello," She tried again.

Again, only static. With a confused look, she ended the call. It was about 10 pm, anyone could be prank calling her. Kids will be kids. Then again, weirdos will be weirdos as well. She shook her head dismissing her thoughts. [Name] stopped being a hero for almost three years now. Ever since she knew of John's existence.

The paranoia of looking over her shoulder had gradually went away. No one haunted her. No one stalked her. She was free from the staring and thoughts of others.

Ever since John, she had been alone. Yes, Dick was by her side, but little by little he started drifting away. He began to change. She thought John would change his mind.

She looked over her shoulder and at the crib where he son slept peacefully. Then she stared at her bed, it was time for her to sleep too.

……

"How do you expect me to raise our son alone?" A woman with [h.color] hair was on the phone with a man. She was sitting in a chair with a baby in her lap.

"You can't leave us," She said trying to fight back the tears, "we won't be in danger, Richard."

She sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand, "We're stronger together, that's what you told me. Now, you're telling me something different."

The [e.color] eyed woman scoffed, "You're telling me that we're safer without you by our side. You're wrong, Dick."

Dick? Rachel recognized that name. Dick Grayson was her friend.

"I just don't get it," The woman's eyes began turning red. Her eyes lighting up. "Your promises are empty words. I hope that one day, you'll figure out who you are. Because right now, I'm not so sure myself."

"[Name], wait-"

Rachel had heard Dick's voice. She was sure that it was the man who saved her.

The woman set the baby down on the living room floor gently to play with his toys and she went to the kitchen. She pulled a cup from a cabinet and began pouring herself a cup of coffee. Her eyes were still red, but once she blinked to let her tears fall they returned to her original [e.color].

"Running away won't help him, Rachel," [Name] said.

Her words shocked the teen. How did she notice that she was watching her. This should be the past. [Name]'s memories.

"This was the day he broke my heart. He promised to stay this time. To stop being Robin."

Rachel walked over to the taller female, "He's gotten better."

This made [Name] smile bitterly, "He's better off without us. He's been with another woman, I can feel it." She turned her body toward Rachel, "With Kory, that's her name right?"

Rachel set her hands on top of [Name]'s to try and feel something from the woman. But she didn't feel anything. "This is a memory, Rachel. You can't feel what was in the past."

"Your heart still breaks," Rachel pointed out an obvious statement.

"He left me to take care of a baby. He should have left when he had a chance with Dawn, yet he screwed that up as well. He should have left when I told him I was pregnant." Her eyes were returning to the same red they were earlier.

"But he didn't do that. No, he had to give me false hope. He had to say he was going to stay to reassure me. He's a liar."

"No," Rachel defended Dick, "he did the same thing to me, but he stayed. Maybe he'll come back for you."

[Name] glared at Rachel with red eyes. Her hands had swirling red flares, "Come back?" She yelled in anger. The objects in her kitchen were levitating. "His words mean nothing! He won't come back to me or to his son! You want to know why, Rachel?"

Rachel was afraid. She took steps away from the woman.

"Because he doesn't love us!"

"No!" Rachel screamed and shot up from her bed with sweat dripping down her forehead. Her right hand reached for her head and she winced. She could feel a headache coming.

"Rachel!" Gar jumped into her room without so much of an invite. His eyes were filled with worry and he was dressed in his pajamas.

Rachel quirked an eyebrow looking at his clothes. She removed her blanket off her body and she saw a red mark just below her knee. Cautiously, she touched it. As soon as her finger laid upon it, it had disappeared.

"Rach," Gar called out and he walked over to her bedside, "I heard you scream. Was it a nightmare?"

She shook her head, "No."

Gar sat by her legs and placed his hand on her shoulder, "You know, you can tell me anything, right?"

"This was something different," Rachel started with her head down, "there was a woman. She had powers, she was a metahuman."

"Is everything okay in here?" Dick knocked on the door and he was dressed for the day.

Rachel nodded her head, "Yeah and is breakfast ready?" Her stomach felt empty.

Dick scoffed with a smile on his face. He crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged his shoulders, "If you like-"

"On second thought, I'm gonna make cereal," Rachel cut him off, a smile on her face.

Dick uncrossed his arms, an offended look present, "You didn't let me finish."

"Dude, we don't need you to finish to understand that whatever you plan to cook is bad," Gar stepped in and moved away from Rachel. His worry for her didn’t disappear and he wondered what had her so...sad. He knew that her father, Trigon, wasn’t in her nightmare or else she would be afraid. This nightmare was different especially if a metahuman had the ability to contact Rachel.

“After breakfast, began training,” Dick nodded his head as a goodbye and walked out of the room. This gave the two teens time to discuss Rachel’s dream.

……

“I don’t know, Gar. I don’t remember much from the dream, but all I know is that she was a metahuman. She had the ability to lift things, um, telekinesis?” Rachel said in an unsure tone, her spoon a few inches away from her cereal.

“Huh, did she say her name?” Gar asked. He reached over for the cereal box and poured some into his bowl. “Any details you might have gotten?”

“Her name,” Rachel closed her eyes desperately trying to remember, “it was, I remember, it was [Name].”

Gar smiled and with a mouthful of cereal said, “That’s great, Rachel! We can use the computer to search for her then maybe you can have your answers to why she contacted you.” He scooted closer to her and whispered, “She could be a part of the team.”

Rachel shook her head, “No, Gar, I don’t think she wants to be found. Or join the team. She had various opinions about Dick.”

“Dick?” Gar was puzzled.

“Yeah, she was mad at him. I don’t remember what it was about. I also know she was sad.”

“We could always ask Dick about her.” Gar suggested.

“Ask me about who?” Dick popped into the kitchen unexpectedly and he scared both of them. Rachel was startled and rested her hand on her chest trying to calm her heart down. On the other hand, Gar was busy hitting his own chest with a fist.

“Geez, Dick, eavesdrop much?” Rachel asked giving him a deadpan stare.

“I wasn’t eavesdropping. I heard my name as I was walking by.” He set his hands on the counter with a smile on his face, “So who do I know?”

Rachel was obviously disturbed by her dream, this woman was sad. Heartbroken. She had to find out why Dick left her. Why did he break her heart so cruelly.

She bit her lip and looked at Gar for help which he gladly stepped in. "So Rachel had this dream about this cool chick that could levitate things."

Dick backed away from the counter, his smile gone and replaced with a serious look. Rachel knew that that fact was something Dick knew about. He knows someone who had telekinesis.

"Yeah and she had, uh what color eyes, Rach?" Gar questioned as a whisper.

Rachel sighed, "She had red eyes when she used her...ability. She mentioned something about you and how you left her alone."

She felt a pang of pain at the back of her head. Her hand flew to the spot as she massaged it, "Uh, I don't know, it was strange. Instead of me reaching out, she came to me and-"

"Her name," Dick interrupted, "what was her name?" His whole body had stiffened as if waiting for something to hit him. He had gotten a whole lot more serious than before. It was as if there was something more that he left in the past.

"[Name]," Gar and Rachel responded simultaneously.

Dick turned his back on them and sighed. He hadn't heard from her in almost three years. She had cut him off completely and he couldn't blame her. Before he moved to Detroit, he thought about reaching out to her. That was until Rachel showed up at the station and hell broke loose.

"You know her, don't you?" Rachel asked standing up from her seat and dragging her feet over to him.

Dick nodded his head and looked over his shoulder, "I...we...It's been a long time since I heard her name. In the dream, do you remember what happened?"

Rachel looked at Gar, "I only remembered her name and her power." The teen gasped when the pain at the back of her head came back, but much stronger. She winced and held her head in between her hands. Rachel was groaning in pain and the males could tell she was trying to hold them back by pressing her lips in a thin line.

Gar ran at her side and put his hands on her shoulders completely moving Dick out of the way. “Rachel,” He called out to her, “what’s going on?”

Rachel shut her eyes tightly, “Ah, I think she’s trying to reach out to me again.”

Flashes of colors invaded her sight. Blurs of red. It was like she was seeing through [Name]’s eyes. “She- She’s in danger,” Rachel fell to her knees and felt her heart rate picking up, “there’s a man that, ugh, he’s strong.”

Dick knelt down beside Rachel along with Gar. But something was off about Gar. His hand had remained on Rachel, but he passed out next to them. His body twitching every now and then on the floor. “Gar,” Dick shook the teen although he didn’t wake him.

“[Name] needs our help,” Rachel said out of breath and looking up at Dick.

Dick put his hands on Rachel to calm her down, yet what he didn’t expect was to pass out as Gar did earlier. Rachel felt her eyes getting heavier and soon she fell asleep with her body falling on top of Gar.

……

“Slade,” [Name] said with venom laced in her tone. Her hands clenched in fists. Objects in her house slowly began to float and this was a sign that whatever he had planned, she was ready to fight back.

“Red,” Slade greeted her and touched a levitating flower pot, “always so naive.”

[Name] kept her eyes on the masked man, “Why are you here?”

Deathstroke looked at her up and down, “You seem to forget that we’re enemies. Why else do you think I’m here?”

“I stopped fighting crime a long time ago and I barely know you,” [Name] responded with her feet planted firmly on the ground. She knew about him, Dick had told her what he was capable of. Even with her strength and abilities, Deathstroke was a formidable foe. “Please,” She begged, her eyes softening, but not losing their red color, “Leave us be. My son will be in danger if we fight and I cannot allow for that to happen. You know how it is to lose a child, don’t make me go through that pain.”

Deathstroke stayed eerily silent. His body stood still like a statue. It made him look more intimidating. Then after a few seconds, his feet moved toward her and he readied his sword.

[Name] took a deep breath in and threw a coffee mug his way as a warning, yet he cut through it like butter. “Slade,” She tried to reach out to him, “I don’t want to do this.” She hadn’t fought anyone lately and she had to admit, she was rusty. Going up against a man that made the Titans fall apart scared her to no end and the Titans were a group of strong people.

She didn’t have enough time to force him away from her. His sword went through her left arm where her muscle aches in agony. [Name] cried out and he pushed her up against the wall. “He brought the Titans together again and has new kids as well.” Deathstroke twisted the blade, “I guess he forgot to recruit you.”

Before he could let out another sentence, a couch was flung his way and it knocked him outside to the backyard. The glass door breaking, the shattering of glass loud in her ears. “I told you, I didn’t want to do this.” She muttered and ran up the stairs with her hand over her wound.

“Hush little baby, don’t you cry,” There was another man in her house and she peeked into her son’s room. It was Dr. Light looking over the crib where John usually slept at. She knew better than to distract him, so she left him alone in the room. Instead, she quietly walked over to her room and went to the closet where she had her emergency bag at. She gathered two bags, one with her clothes and necessities and the other John’s bag.

“You’re not getting away that easily,” Deathstroke said and was standing in the doorway.

[Name] shrugged John’s batman bag on her back, her duffel bag tightly in her grasp. “I wasn’t expecting to escape unscathed anyways,” She replied.

“I got her,” Dr. Light pushed Deathstroke out of the way and raised his arm up with a smirk. “Die, bitch.”

“No!” Deathstroke yelled although it was too late. Dr. Light shot a beam of light at her and she raised her hands up just in time to block the beam. Yet, she was pushed backwards from the force and she flew out of her window unexpectedly. Glass cut her uncovered body parts like her face and hands. Then her back met green grass harshly causing her to cough hysterically. She didn’t have time to lay around, so she quickly got up and began running to the back of the backyard.

She jumped over the fence and ran into her neighbor’s yard. Thankfully, they weren’t home or else they would be in the crossfire. [Name] easily ran into the street and continued running to her babysitter’s house where John was being kept for the time being. She had to hurry before her enemies caught up to her.

While she ran away, Dr. Light was being stared down by Deathstroke. “What?” Dr. Light said annoyed by the silent treatment he was receiving. “She’s injured, right? Meaning that she’s gonna look for help, which also means that she’s going straight to the Titans. It’ll be easier to follow her and she left her baby here.”

“What?” Deathstroke asked slightly put off.

Dr. Light showed him to the baby’s room and pointed at the cradle, “Yeah, he’s just chilling underneath the blankets.”

Deathstroke had a hard time believing that [Name] would just escape without her son and removed the blanket from the baby. Expecting a crying baby, the males only saw a ticking bomb that had five seconds left before it went off.

“Well, fuck,” Dr. Light cursed.

#nightwing imagine #nightwing #robin imagine #nightwing x reader #x reader #reader insert #dc imagine #dc universe #batman imagine #batman #titans imagine #titans #dick grayson imagine #dick grayson #dick grayson x reader #buried secrets

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soncfseed · 4 years

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REPOSTED FROM MY OLD BLOG: Probably my most important headcanon, so please take the time to read this!!

spoilers ahead, but im gonna look at ethans cutscenes and talk about how his bpd (borderline personality disorder) affects his actions and his perceptions throughout the story of new dawn. this is all just headcanon and my interpretation of ethan and how bpd would affect him. none of this is meant to excuse his more nefarious actions, but explain why my interpretation of ethan doesnt pin him as a selfish, horrible, awful monster, but rather a young man with a lot of unresolved trauma and a serious mental health condition who ended up making some terrible choices that resulted in a lot of pain for a lot of people.

0:05 - ethan’s introduction

in this scene ethan experiences some pretty quick and dramatic mood shifts, and has a pretty significant emotional outburst. these are characteristic of the mood swings and emotional dis-regulation experienced by many people with bpd. he starts off catching the captain off guard, sneaking up behind them. ethan has been taught to distrust outsiders, and a symptom of bpd he experiences is suspicion of others and sometimes brief bouts of paranoia. this kind of behaviour makes sense when this is taken into context.

he says that he might not be what the captain expects. this is part of his low self esteem and struggles with his self image and how others perceive him. he constantly feels as though he can never truly be his own person, outside of joseph seed, and that his existence is a disappointment to those who know him.

once he sees the book, he is triggered into a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. acknowledging that the deputy is the one who found the book, and according to joseph’s prophecy will be the true ruler of new eden, is what sets him off. once ethan goes into his rant about it should’ve been him, he’s experiencing a mood swing and sudden spike in his anger and irritability. due to his issues w emotional regulation and control over his expressions of emotion, ethan lashes out by screaming and knocking over the podium in the church. mood swings for bpd sufferers can be only minutes long. what pulls ethan back down to earth a bit is a sudden rush when he realizes he can work with the captain to enlighten new eden to the truth: that joseph is a man, not a messiah, and kind of a shitty one at that who abandoned them all.

3:50 - ethan’s first speech in new eden

ethan’s posturing here is just that; posturing. he’s putting on a bit of a show with the “non believer” bit. he does, however, not entirely trust outsiders nor would he trust that the people of new eden wouldn’t turn on him if he suggested that the captain go north. no, instead he plays off of what he expects the people will do to avoid potential rejection or rebellion. this plays off of his mistrust and suspicion of others, as well as serves to protect his secret interests (getting proof that joseph is dead to get new eden to move on from him) and his ego (tied to the bpd symptom of self image issues and unstable self realization).

ethan can’t help but be a bit sarcastic with “we are all his children”. sarcasm and unwarranted aloofness can tie into bpd, and here it definitely does due to his poor relationship with his father, and with the rumours surrounding his paternity in new eden.

while bpd does not inherently make people manipulative, manipulation of others is often something those with bpd adopt as a coping mechanism to manage their unstable relationships or unstable self image. ethan has adopted this trait in some ways and this is definitely one of them. he does not trust the people of new eden, and knows they wont listen to him fully. this is his main motivator for keeping his plan secret.

the fact that ethan feels he has to act a certain way when he’s the leader of new eden further contributes to his unstable self realization. he puts on different fronts to different people to try and both please them and protect himself.

when he says “they will at last understand that i am their prophet…”, this is in part because he feels he’s worked hard to be the inheritor of new eden. he’s not only joseph’s son (and even if he doesn’t like joseph he wants to be recognized as his biological son, making the rumours about his paternity even more hurtful) but he’s been a successful leader as far as we can tell. to think he will lose it all over a book is damn near panic inducing for ethan. well this is in part a kind of arrogance, it’s fueled by his extreme emotions/mood swings as well as how closely he ties his identity to his position within his community. because his self image is so unstable, threats to that cause him to act in ways that may seem irrational or extreme in order to try and protect his self image. also, ethan will only help the captain in exchange for something in part bc of his suspicion of others. he doesn’t want to offer new eden’s archers and resources without knowing that he will benefit in return. after all, if something goes wrong in new eden bc of this outsider and he allowed it, it’s his responsibility to take the blame and fix it.

5:20 - into the bliss

theres not much in this scene to tie to his bpd. one line i think is important though: “bring me proof of my fathers death and i will make sure you are remembered as a friend of the prophet”. well this can be interpreted as ethan saying to kill joseph, i dont think he is. ethan believes joseph is long gone, that he could never survive all alone for this long. ethan isn’t evil, he’s not asking someone to commit murder, he’s asking them to confirm that someone is already dead. sure, he’s self serving and he wants something in return for his allyship, but to him this is how he can ensure a fair trade, and that an outsider won’t take advantage of him or new eden as easily.

14:18 - ethan, interrupted

ethan’s big speech where joseph fuckin crashes it. at first, he literally does not even see joseph in the crowd. he truly believes he’s dead and that the captain will bring back proof of this. to him, adherence to his rule makes sense; he’s the leader, and things need to change. it is arrogant, because ethan has partially internalized a sense of superiority and entitlement because of his position as joseph’s son, and now heir to the rulership of new eden (he thinks). this combined with an unstable self esteem and self image makes him want total compliance to his rule. criticism, disobedience, they threaten his self worth and that can send him into an emotional spiral or severe mood swing. so, to try and avoid the negative consequences he experiences from perceived slights and rejections, he wants a clean slate and total adherence to his new rules.

when he actually sees joseph, he stops, stammers, and says “father?”. not the father. just father. in this moment, his father who abandoned him (who went out for smokes and never came back) has suddenly shown up in the middle of his speech about him being dead. his arm drops and he stands there, stunned and speechless. his first question is “where have you been?”. he wants to know why and he asks why. why did his father abandon them? abandon him? the answer is completely meaningless to him. it’s basic, it has no detail, and isn’t sufficient. he’s speechless again for a bit, breathing heavier and hyperventilating. he steps away from joseph. when joseph calls the captain god’s sword, ethan damn near does a double take. he’s literally standing in his father’s shadow while he exalts an outsider in front of his own son, after interrupting his speech and embarrassing him in front of everyone.

one of ethan’s symptoms is his overvaluing and undervaluing people in his life. this is when he switches from overvaluing the captain, putting too much faith and hope into them, to undervaluing and practically hating them. his relationship with his father is tenuous, and rocky. it is characterized by ethan’s intense desire to be josephs successor and publicly recognized as his son. ethan even calls out to joseph, upset about the fact that hes now suddenly and publicly being dethroned; joseph doesnt even look back at him. ethan rejects josephs words in anger. he has a sudden outburst in front of the crowd; yet another sudden spike in his emotions from a stressful situation causes him to say what he’s really thinking. “you abandoned me. you abandoned us.” ethan says joseph didn’t leave instructions or a message, just left ethan to lead with no idea how. he does the best job he can under these extreme circumstances, and now all of his hard work is for nothing. that would make even the most level headed neurotypical person upset. whenn ethan starts to lose the support of new eden, he breaks down a bit. the anchor of his self image has been completely ripped away from him in a moment. he storms off partially and his body language is pretty dire; head down, shoulders moving sharply like he’s breathing harshly, and then he turns to watch the crowd walk away from him. imo, part of why ethan doesn’t completely lose it in this scene is that he might be partially dissociating or beginning to dissociate or experience some de-realization from the sudden, acute emotional distress this moment causes for him.

17:45 - ethan’s response

this is when ethan says that the captain betrayed him. they had a deal. he completely put his trust into the captain, idealizing them as the person who could solve his problems, only for them to bring joseph back and make everything in ethans life worse. now, the pendulum swings to the other side where ethan begins to loathe the captain. saying that the captain should have killed joseph themselves is an expression of 1) the intense reactions people with bpd can have to certain situations and 2) his skewed logic because of it. what seems totally irrational to someone else might seem like the only logical solution to a problem for someone with bpd. the stress of such a painful, emotionally charged situation like this one. he never wants to see the captain again; on a dime he flips, from putting all of his trust and hope into one person to saying he never wants to see them again and that they betrayed him. this quick switch of very intense perceptions of others is a cycle of idealization and undervaluing that people with bpd may experience.

18:07 - ethan’s prayer letter

in this letter, ethan discusses how he feels he hates his father for the abandonment; how joseph “expected everything and gave nothing”, how ethan never got to really have joseph as a father for himself because he was too busy being THE father. he says wrath and envy grip him tight to the point he feels he can’t breathe. this is definitely indicative of ethans mood swings and intense emotions, especially the irrational anger and aggression many people with bpd can have. then, he says nobody but himself, his mother, and god can know about how he feels, and that he must put on a front for new eden and be a leader to them “no matter what”. this is absolutely something i can see being tied to his bpd. he is aware that expressing his thoughts, feelings, and reactions to others would probably get a negative reaction. he seeks to avoid that, as well as to avoid the judgment from others he thinks he would get. his unstable self image is complicated by the fact that he feels obligated to hide the symptoms of his illness, and pretend to be someone he isn’t. this only makes it worse, as he ties his social and therefore individual identity to “ruler of new eden”. he relies very much on the responses and reactions of others to gauge whether or not he seems “normal” or capable of doing his job.

18:27 - npc dialogue

ethan says that josephs followers see the prophecy coming to light, but ethan sees it as a chance for new eden to make its own path. this is also when ethan says that he is josephs biological son, and that his mother raised him outside of hope county and brought him there when he was young to be raised by joseph. she died from an illness on their journey. this is some pretty significant baggage for ethan. he wants new eden, and himself, to become independent. the only reason he stays in new eden is because of his mother. he loves her, and idealizes her in a way that never flips to undervaluing because the relationship is one sided since her passing.

19:23 - megan’s letter to joseph

this is important just bc it states megan raised ethan as a non believer but after the collapse taught him about joseph’s word. this is important for ethan because it means he had to relearn some pretty significant things after the apocalypse, including a whole new religion and worldview. this can be very confusing for a child, and in part explains why ethan isn’t totally on board with josephs word, or the all of new eden’s beliefs surrounding him; his earliest formative years had nothing to do with joseph seed or prophets or collapses. he had to convert, and did so as a child who couldn’t really understand or make that choice for himself. he is tied to new eden solely because of megan, and without her wish to have him be josephs heir, he would’ve left long ago.

20:08 - intermission/flashback

this is when we see a young babby ethan get nasty with joseph. this is an early sign of his bpd developing. he has an intense reaction and says something very hurtful to his father over not getting what he wants, which isn’t just the apple but his father’s approval. to him, this is another rejection by joseph, or it is perceived that way by a young ethan. constantly being told something wasn’t gods plan, or it isn’t part of a prophecy without further explanation was confusing and frustrating for ethan growing up. he wanted the apple to be like his father; he wanted the apple to feel integrated into his community like the others who were given the gift. this denial, one that is permanent and leaves no room for ethan to change or grow and become capable of handling its strength leaves him feeling defeated and angry. his reaction of “you are an old man, and when you die i will take one” shows a very quick emotional shift and a shift from idolizing his father and wanting to be like him to practically hating him, becoming cold and distant in mere moments.

21:16 - joseph’s worry

“ethan’s sin is pride. there is something deep inside him that no word of mine can touch. i worry that now as an outsider appears to take his place that beast will feed on resentment and grow stronger. ” YEAH ITS BPD YA DINGUS fdpgpfd but more seriously, ethans pride is a coping mechanism to deal with his ever changing self image and self worth. its a rigid barrier to keep others from knowing how weak he really feels, and how uncertain he is of himself.

23:25 - ethan’s betrayal

this is where ethan betrays new eden and sets them up so the highwaymen can destroy the settlement. he tolerates the highwaymen laughing at him only so he can get what he wants: revenge. this extreme response is from his bpd. his impulsive anger, and the extremes his mind goes to won out and he acted on his violent thoughts.

26:26 - ethan and the fruit

when joseph asks ethan what hes done (referring to betraying new eden), ethan says: “i did what i had to do. i freed myself, i freed us all from you, from your rules.”. to ethan this was logical. this was something he had to do. he didn’t take pleasure in it, he didn’t go into new eden and kill everyone himself. no, he handed them over to the highwaymen in a desperate, out of touch moment. the spark was there and his disorder was gasoline that helped the flames to spread. he reacted intensely, out of irrationally extreme anger, towards an entire group of people he had shifted to undervaluing. he felt betrayed so he returned in kind, but no matter how wrong that was ethan couldnt see it.

“i will have what you denied me. you gave it to an outsider but you wouldn’t give it to me. i am your flesh and blood” and explosively tells joseph he doesnt know gods will. he lashes out against his father, arguing with him and rebelling directly by taking the one thing joseph kept him from that he truly wanted. to ethan, in my hc, the apple is more than just power and more than just something he covets. its a symbol of joseph’s fatherhood, of his love; he gave it to everyone but ethan, his own son, and now he would take what he wanted from life with or without josephs input.

31:08 - the death of ethan seed

the first thing ethan says after he sees joseph is “father… i’m sorry”. he’s scared. he knows he’s going to die. he asks if joseph can forgive him. he knows he’s fucked up, obviously, not just by eating the apple but by betraying new eden. his last word is “father”. no matter how torn his relationship was with joseph, he wanted his father’s love. he wanted connection with his father. he wanted to feel validated, have his identity confirmed, even in his last moments.

#hc #repost from old blog

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megalony · 5 years

Text

I’ll be there

Another Roger x Reader x Ben imagine that is part of my Our girl series.

@rogertaylorsbitontheside

Our girl masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Opening his eyes Ben turned his head from where it was resting in the crook of (Y/n)'s neck, biting his lip at seeing she was still awake, simultaneously tightening his arm around her middle pulling her back into his chest. They needed to be up early in the morning to get ready to drop Lily off with his sister and then make the drive down to the studio and at this rate, they wouldn't be getting much sleep. Ben had a photo shoot and interview in the morning with a magazine and had been rather nervous. He had gone through many interviews but more recently the only thing they wanted to talk about was his relationship which got to the point where he stopped agreeing to have interviews because they were so repetitive and rather rude. His manager had convinced him to agree to this one since it was more to do with the new movie he was starring in rather than focusing on his personal life. He felt even more relieved to know that (Y/n) would be the photographer on this specific job so at least he could drive down with his girlfriend and have her there with him for half of the day. The pair of them had agreed that after his interview was finished they would go and pick Lily up from pre-school together, knowing she loved it when two or even all of her parents were there at the end of the day, it always made her giddy with the brightest smile on her features. Ben loved going to pick Lily up but it came with the downside of spiking his anxiety which had been dragging him down lately. He had noticed the other parents, especially one mum who he didn't get along with, watching them when they turned up because all of them had seen Roger, Ben and (Y/n) collect Lily at different days of the week and realised their relationship and who they were. The looks made Ben feel slight paranoia and the constant media and journalists that hung around London in general made him feel even worse. Roger was currently doing a small tour of the country with the boys and was up North, not wanting to go out of the country right now because they were only two months away from their due date of their second girl. He needed to be within range so if anything happened he could get there quicker. Lily knew that all of her parents were busy with their job, especially since both Ben and Roger had to frequently take trips away for a tour or for location reasons so when one of them had to disappear for a while she was reassured that they would be back soon enough. It was very rare that both Ben and Roger were away at the same time meaning she always had two parents around at different times of the day at least. It seemed right now that nothing was helping (Y/n) to get to sleep and that was keeping Ben awake. It felt weird for both of them not to have Roger coming home late and flopping down onto the mattress or tossing and turning. The drummer could sleep anywhere at any time but he continued to writhe in his sleep like he was having some kind of nightmare every night. "What's wrong?" Ben whispered though he wasn't sure why they weren't in danger of waking Roger up since he wasn't even there and Lily was in her own room for once so she wasn't in danger of waking up at the sound of his voice. He felt her hand gently envelope around his own, moving his hand to rest to the base of her stomach to feel the movement of their second girl, also noticing how she had brought her knees up to her stomach as if she were in some kind of pain instead of just annoyance at the constant movement. The only thing he could think of doing was moving to try and make her more comfortable to see if that would work. With Roger, if on the rare occasions he couldn't sleep they'd put the tv on or the radio for some background noise which seemed to lull him to sleep like it did with Lily. That wouldn't work for (Y/n) because neither she nor Ben would be able to get to sleep if there were noises in the room, even small ones seemed to set the both of them off. Shuffling so he was a little higher up on the bed Ben stretched his right arm out, letting her rest her head on his arm knowing that sometimes helped even if his arm went dead. Leaning down just a little he pressed his lips to the top of her head, brushing the few strands of hair away from her eyes before resting his free hand back to her stomach, his thumb brushing up and down her skin over the shirt she was wearing he knew was Roger's. Cracking his eyes open suddenly just when he felt himself drifting back to sleep Ben glanced down to the girl curled up against him, feeling her hand suddenly latching onto his own with a rather tight grip. "Sweetheart, you okay?" Lifting himself up from the bed Ben leaned over her, trying to look at her properly with the dim light from the streetlamp outside managing to shine through the curtains. Panic bubbling in his chest when he realised she was beginning to cry. "Hey, hey what's wrong?" He felt his breathing picking up pace as he moved his hand to try and brush away the tears. Reaching out to turn the lamp on, needing to know what was happening. "I- I think my water broke." Burying her face in the pillow (Y/n) wrapped her arms around her stomach that was burning with the pain that had steadily got worse throughout the evening. Something that she thought was very early Braxton hicks or just too much movement now seeming to be something that they were now dreading. They couldn't have this now, she would be two months early it wouldn't be safe and Roger wasn't even here. She seemed to turn to jelly when Ben slipped his arms under her frame, gently easing her up so she was sitting up, leaning against him as he tried not to have a panic attack he could feel weighing down in his lungs ready to break free. "Are you sure?" "I don't know, I've n-never done this before!" (Y/n) sniffed, her body beginning to shake from the panic and the pain pulsing through her in waves. She didn't know what labour was meant to feel like, she hadn't been the one to give birth to Lily. If Roger were here he might have been able to help, to tell her if this was labour or something else which she was beginning to doubt. There was nothing else she could think of that this could be. "She's moved lower." Pressing Ben's hand back to her lower stomach to show him what she meant she watched the colour drain frighteningly quickly from his face like the blood was spilling out of his system. "Ben it's too early, Rog isn't even here." "She'll be alright... I'll ring Sarah and then get Rog on the phone when we get to the hospital, this could be something else." His rather deflated yet panicked tone showed in his heart Ben knew too that this couldn't really be anything else no matter how much they begged for it to be a false alarm. Their girl wanted to meet them now and they couldn't do anything to stop that. Pressing her head into his chest (Y/n) tried hard to stop the screams from leaving her lips, not wanting to wake or scare Lily who would start crying the instant she saw one of her parents crying without even knowing what was upsetting them. She hated when any of them were upset and seeing any of them frightened or in pain would surely send her into a state of shock and she couldn't do that to the little girl. A high pitched groan vibrated against her lips that were pressed very tightly together as she dug her nails into her palms to try and divert her mind from the pain. Feeling Ben's hand running up and down her arm, not being able to do much else to help her as he tried to explain to his sister why he was ringing her at eleven o'clock at night assuring her he had a good reason. His head leaning against (Y/n)'s as he hoped that Roger wasn't drunk or at some party where he wouldn't be able to hear his phone because they needed to get through to him soon.

Reaching into his pocket at hearing a familiar tune that was only just barely audible over the loud music pounding throughout the party being held in one of the hotel's reception rooms Roger fished out the phone from his back pocket. Smiling giddily at seeing it was Ben ringing him, though he did wonder why he was calling at this time of night.

"Hello!" He shouted loudly so his voice would be heard over the music in the background, pressing his cigarette between his index and middle finger resting it against the glass his fingers were curled around that contained some kind of alcohol he seemed to remember was whiskey. The concert tonight had gone down very well and since they didn't have a concert tomorrow as it was one of the days they would spend travelling and making sure everything was set up at the next venue a party was arranged. Roger didn't attend many of Freddie's parties back home because he liked to get as much time as possible with his family so since he couldn't go home to them tonight he decided he would turn up to this one to make his friend happy.

"Are you pissed?" Ben questioned, not trying to sound rude or annoyed but he needed to know if Roger was in the right state of mind to be told the news that wouldn't go down well at all with the drummer. He could hardly tell him if he was drunk because chances were that he would do something stupid or not remember if he fell asleep soon after. "Have you rung me to ask if I'm shit faced?" The drummer accused, annoyance and anger flooding through his system as the smile fell from his lips. He admitted that in the past ten times out of ten he would come homes smashed from Freddie's parties. Drugs never played a big part in those parties and Roger hardly ever took them but he would take any drink that was offered to him because that was the nature of the party. He had toned his drinking right down lately but he didn't want his partners ringing him up to try and keep tabs on him or check on him like he was a child who couldn't take care of himself. "Because if you have I'm hanging up, I've had two beers-" His rant was short lived as Ben cut him off, not having time for an argument they shouldn't even be having. "Babe please don't start now I'm not asking because I'm annoyed I'm asking so I know if your too shit faced to drive or think straight." Ben wasn't in the mood for this. His anxiety was sky high and nothing was calming him down, his whole body was jittering like he had been given an electric shock as he rested his head back against the headboard. They couldn't go anywhere until his sister came down to stay with Lily and Frankie so they were having to stay put waiting which was doing no good as the pair of them were panicking and (Y/n) was in a lot of pain. "Where would I be driving to? Come on I'm not pissed I've had two beers, what's going on?" "We need you to come home. (Y/n)'s in labour and I need to take her to the hospital you have to come back now." Ben felt awful for having to tell Roger that he really needed to cut this mini-tour short, having never called him before to tell him he needed to come home for any reason. But this was a dire situation and Roger couldn't really continue touring when they were at home in this situation that seemed to be getting worse. "She- no, no she can't be there are another two months to go." Roger clumsily placed the glass of whiskey he hadn't even touched yet down on the table in front of him, rising to his feet as he felt his lungs tighten up in his chest. They should be clear of any sign of labour for another month yet in the least, this shouldn't be happening now it was way too early. He was four hours away from them, by the time he got there something could have happened without him, something could have gone wrong and he wouldn't be there. He'd not had this kind of trouble when expecting Lily, the tour had been planned perfectly around her so that he was home int he studio and close to home for the last month of the pregnancy and she had arrived almost to the day. He didn't have to worry that time around. "Her water broke Rog, this is happening now." Roger heard the tears practically falling from Ben's eyes as he tried to keep his voice level but couldn't help the wobble in his tone. "But I'm not there!" Roger suddenly shouted, panic more than anger laced into his voice. He needed to be there with them, they couldn't go through this without him he just needed to be there for his daughter's birth especially this early. If something happened or went wrong and Roger didn't make it to them in time he didn't know what he would do with himself. "Fuck!" His foot shot out and slammed into the leg of the table in front sending it scratching across the wooden flooring, catching the attention of the people crowded around him. "I- I'll be there I swear... I'm coming now." Ending the call abruptly at that he shoved the phone back into his pocket, eyes scanning around the room in search for one of his band members. Roger couldn't drive, he'd had a drink and though he wasn't drunk he wasn't in the best shape or mindset to drive himself four hours home. He needed someone to take him now before he started having a tantrum and missed a pivotal moment in his life. Pushing past the people stood around the room who Roger defined as being in his way, he glanced around so quickly his head began to hurt, eyes looking like he was on drugs or in some kind of state. His sights finally setting on Brian who was sat down next to someone Roger didn't recognise, a glass of something in his hand which Roger desperately pleaded wasn't alcohol. He needed a ride home now. "Brian!" He hollered, running over and slipping to a stop beside the sofa the guitarist was sitting on, catching his friend off guard. "How many have you had?" He questioned, gesturing his head to the glass in his friend's hand, his question obviously not coming across in the right way. "Not as many as you, clearly." He retorted, the snide answer being enough for the drummer as he reached down and grabbed his friend by the arm, dragging him to his feet before bolting out of the room. Dragging Brian behind him causing him to spill the beer in the glass over his jeans and the floor leaving a trail behind them. "Fuck's sake Rog slow down. Where the hell are we going anyway?" He stated, ripping his arm from his friend's hold, his eyes widening at the desperate yet scared look on Roger's face which he had never seen before on the drummer in all the years they had known each other. "(Y/n)'s in labour, you need to drive me home." "Rog... that's nearly a four-hour drive and it's, half past eleven at night." Brian didn't want to drive that long at this time of night in case they had an accident. Roger no doubt would be telling him to break the speed limit or God forbid would get the hump right now and go speeding in attempts to get himself back to his family quicker. Brian wouldn't be able to stop for a break in fear that something would happen back home with (Y/n) and Roger wouldn't be there in time and he didn't want to drive when he was beyond tired. "I'm desperate. This is two months too early if we lose her and I'm not there..." Roger couldn't trust himself to get home in one piece, he was dangerous when he had a short fuse and he had had a drink already. He wouldn't stick to the speed limit he knew he wouldn't and he didn't want to drive in case something happened. All he cared about was his girlfriend and his unborn daughter who wasn't going to be in the best shape when she was born. Roger couldn't miss this moment and even if he did miss it he needed to be home as soon as humanly possible so he could be there straight afterwards. "There's a car rental place across the street, come on."

Leaning against the wall to his right Brian waved at his friend to carry on though he knew his blessing wasn't really needed. He had driven for four hours to get them both back to London and reach the hospital address Ben had sent to Roger when they were on the outskirts of London. In that time Roger hadn't stopped either talking, jittering or straight up crying. His emotions had been high and low and Brian couldn't keep up with him nor could he comprehend how the drummer hadn't lost any energy in that time. The guitarist had only just been able to keep himself awake enough to get them here safely. Breaking the speed limit a few times to try and get Roger to calm down when there were no cars about. As soon as they got inside he had demanded to be told where his partners were, the receptionist's eyes widening in fear as she reeled off the room number and the directions to get to it. Brian having to apologise for his friend before trying and failing to keep up with him. Watching the blonde disappear to the stairs Brian opted for the elevator, knowing he wouldn't make it up the first flight and they needed the third floor. It would do Roger some good to rid even the slightest bit of the energy that was flowing through him at this moment. He couldn't really blame Roger for feeling this way, he was going through the turmoil of not knowing if he was going to make it in time and the fear of knowing all the possible outcomes of the situation that didn't seem very hopeful to him. Roger had called Ben roughly every hour to find updates and make sure that he wasn't too late, and just before they arrived he had texted him to find out he hadn't missed anything but he needed to hurry up. The drummer hated how his blood was rushing through his ears, drowning out every other sound that was going on in the hospital. He knew by now that he had lost his friend on the way to the room but that didn't bother him, Brian had done a splendid job in getting him here. Roger would forever be thankful to Brian for managing to calm him down and driving him all this way back in the early morning to be with his family when he could have just said no. Reaching out he planted his hand down on a chair in the corridor on his right, stopping himself from falling onto the polished floor as his eyes frantically scanned the numbers on the rooms, seeing the right one was just in front of him on the right. His body barreling through the door without knocking or speaking his arrival, simply falling into the room in a heap. Landing on his knees before slamming the door shut behind him hoping he didn't faint at the rate his blood was being pushed through his arteries. "I'm here, I made it." He breathed rather quietly, scrambling to his feet and grabbing the chair on the right. Dragging it over to the bed before sitting down, finally feeling how tired and exhausted his whole body was as he leaned his head on Ben's leg trying to catch his breath back. Feeling Ben gently run his hands through his hair, both thankful and amazed at how quickly the drummer had managed to get here. Gently tapping Roger's arm Ben signalled for him to get up before motioning for them to swap places. Getting to his feet Roger wrapped his arms around Ben's neck, pulling him close for some kind of comfort as he felt the tears beginning to fall from his eyes as the emotions finally washed over him in tidal waves. He hadn't missed it, he was in time and they were alright up to now. Placing a kiss to Roger's neck Ben rubbed his back gently before sitting him down on the bed and taking his place in the chair, pulling it as close as he could get to the bed. "Hey baby." Roger whispered, wrapping his arms around (Y/n) as she leaned into his chest, grasping his shirt in her hand as if needing something to ground her to him. To show her that this wasn't some kind of hallucination or dream, he was finally with them just like he promised he would be. Her tears soaked into his neck but he paid no mind, his lips pressing to her temple as he held her so tightly yet so delicately as if she were made of glass that he was afraid to break. All of their eyes followed the nurse half an hour later when their tiny doll of a baby was snatched away from them in a split second. Each only catching a glimpse of her pale features before she disappeared from their line of sight making a fire burn in Ben's chest. He knew they wouldn't get to hold her straight away like Roger did with Lily and he knew she would have to be rushed away so they could take care of her, but he thought that they would have gotten a second longer to look at her. Or for the nurse to let them look at her properly before simply ignoring the three of them with her back to them as she focused on doing something they couldn't see to try and help their newborn. "You did great sweetheart, she's gonna be fine I know it." Roger soothed, his hand rubbing up and down (Y/n)'s back when she started to cry, both her arms wrapping under his to go around his back holding him as tight as she could. "Your okay, I've got you." He whispered, hovering his lips over her ear before leaning and kissing her neck needing to give her some kind of comfort. Roger's head snapped to the left as (Y/n) pulled her head up from his chest when the smallest sound of a cry hit their ears like it was the only sound in the world worth hearing. The drummer felt his heart leaping in his chest at the sound that stole his breath away making him hold (Y/n) just that little bit tighter, his chest heaving though it felt like he wasn't breathing hardly at all. At watching one of the nurses disappearing out of the room with their girl Roger felt his tears falling harder making his vision blur worse than it already was. Managing to make out Ben jumping to his feet when she simply disappeared. "I'm gonna go with her." Ben stated, needing to know where they were taking her and to be there in case anything happened. As much as he wanted to sit with Roger and (Y/n) and make sure that she was alright he couldn't sit and wait without knowing what was happening with their girl. If Roger waited and looked after (Y/n) Ben could go and look over their girl like some kind of guardian angel, just to make sure. Leaning over he wrapped an arm around the pair of them, kissing them both before he bolted out of the room in suit of their daughter. "She was crying." (Y/n) mumbled, closing her eyes at the wave of fatigue that rushed through her system which mirrored how Roger was feeling. "That's a good thing, she'll be okay... I just know it."

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #ben hardy #ben hardy imagine #roger x ben x reader

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lividian · 5 years

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Wat up, I'm here to bitch about stuff.

A good 90% of my life is straight pain and struggle right now. I spend every day trying to distract myself from how I'm feeling, whether that's through sitting on facebook watching slime videos for hours, doing schoolwork for even more hours, or doing regular things and pretending everything is fine. I try to make myself believe that I'm ok. Not say I'm never going to be ok, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all the shit life is throwing at me; has been throwing at me, for years.

I took off that mask yesterday, and I feel like I've been emotionally flayed. I'm raw and feeling all those little fragments of emotion I was protecting myself from, all at once. I've been in bed for the past 3 hours or so, thinkin about life and what mine is trying to teach me. Writing helps and I'm really open abt my mental health struggles, so I figured I'd pour it all out on here so maybe it could help someone or something.

A lot of my stressors include other people, so for their privacy, I'm going to use aliases.

Have you ever done something completely against your values/beliefs and wondered what underlying causes made you (re)act that way? I try to think about that often bc it tends to give new perspective and shed light on information necessary for changing those behaviors.

I had a tough childhood and now that I'm older, I can see the impact it's had on me for so long. Even things I can barely remember are reflected in my emotional responses and conscious decisions if I pay enough attention. Bc of the trauma and inconsistent relationship I had with my parents, I have varying degrees of trust issues, problems with relationships (platonic, familial, and romantic), and mental illnesses. I've struggled with behavioral problems for a long, long time. At one point, it was thought I had ODD because of the severity of some of my outbreaks.

Fortunately, some of my more unusual symptoms started showing up as early as 7. I had been placed in the custody of close family a couple years before that, who sought professional help when my depression and visual hallucinations first appeared. I was in counseling from that point on and began seeing psychiatrists at the age of 13, all of that lasted until I turned 19 and lost my medicaid.

Shortly after I started experiencing various mental health problems, I went into sort of a "dark age" and I don't remember much, like there's a big blind spot in my memories. There are some memories that survived and I've clung to, because I don't have much left from that time period. It lasted until about when I started taking psychiatric medications. And about that time, I started to experience extreme mood swings which resulted in damn near anything, from self harm and suicide attempts to violent outbursts and severe paranoia and delusions. These only increased in intensity until I was kicked out at the age of 17.

*I was hurt by that for a long time which fueled poor decision after poor decision, but I have forgiven both myself and my family bc all that anger and pain and guilt was doing was holding me back. I appreciate everything my family has done for me and I hold them very dear to my heart, especially in times of hardship.*

That's some back story for ya. A lot has happened since then, and maybe I'll talk about it some other time, but I'd really like to focus on the present.

My biggest source of pain currently is the fact that my daughter, Acacia, is in one state and I'm in another. I miss her terribly and every day I sit and think about how I've failed her. I want to be a source of joy for her, but right now she's hurting because her mother is gone and she doesn't understand why. We facetime, but she tells me that she doesn't like me and she's sad. It breaks my heart that she's dealing with such big emotions and I can't even be there to comfort her. But I'm also very grateful she's surrounded by people who love her and we can talk every day. It's really hard, and I'm usually in a lot of pain after we hang up, but I will always be there for her. I have to be the mother she needs me to be so I'm going to have to make some tough decisions. I'm not going to talk abt this anymore bc it's too much for me right now.

I'm in another state living with my husband, Onyx, and I feel utterly and completely alone. We left bc we were evicted back home and the only place we could go was his parents'. He shut me out a long time ago, but the homesickness is amplifying my feelings of isolation. Due to some of the toxicity in our relationship, I burned many bridges with friends and family, and aside from my 2 best friends (who I rarely talk to anymore) I have no one. Many days I beg Onyx for affection or communication or some semblance that he still loves me, but my efforts are futile. Weve been having the same fight for nearly half a year. I bring up something that's bothering me, and he becomes angry and says "it's always something", in some form or another I try to remind him that we have to work on the issues in our relationship at some point if we want things to get better, this is where he usually gets defensive and says something something along the lines of "I always need 'more or too much'". From that point, I've learned to just be quiet bc our problems are suddenly my fault and he will do everything in his power to deflect and shame if I try to get him to own up to his negative behaviors that hurt me almost every second.

I saw the red flags a long time ago, but I had hope. Hope that has now completely withered away bc I know he won't change, at least not anytime soon. I can see it in his face when I try to have any form of an adult conversation with him. The way he just barely squints his eyes while I'm talking, the smirk that I try to convince myself isn't real bc it's so slight, the overall look of complete apathy.

I've tried leaving before, several times and one period of 5 months, but I wanted to make things work bc we got married this year. He told me it would make me more consistent and I wouldn't feel like leaving all the time, but let me tell you, I feel like leaving all the time. I've told him about my plans to go back home, without him. I've told him I would stay if he would be a part of this relationship too bc I can't be with someone who is the source of so much of my pain. You know that saying, "you can't make someone love you if they don't want to"? It's true, fucking painfully true. I've found myself holding on to tiny shreds of hope here and there, making myself believe that he'll try in small gestures like a kiss or laying his head on me. But I've been doing that for too long. I have made sacrifices for him over and over to the point where I don't recognize myself anymore. I've stopped talking to wonderful ppl bc it made him uncomfortable. I'll admit it, I kissed a guy back the night after we decided to be mutually exclusive. I talked to an ex love interest for a period of time abt how I was struggling in my relationship w Onyx. But I apologized, owned up to those behaviors, and made changes. I don't deserve for those things to be held over my head and brought up in almost every fight bc yes, I fucked up, but I did what I had to do to fix things. At a certain point, you have to be accountable for how you let your hurt and anger manifest.

So now I'm leaving bc I have to get back to my daughter and get in a better environment, but I don't know how or when. Like I said earlier, I ruined a lot of relationships try to preserve the one that was ruining me. But I'm really stuck out here, I've never been able to hold a job in my working career, and even if I could, I'm also taking several online college classes (that's been a bitch too) so I can't work more than part time and even that would jeopardize my mental health. I'm really stuck and so frustrated and I'm sorry that this has been a super long post. Like I said, I'm just bitching about life. I know the most sucky situations bring about the most growth.

For those of you who are curious, my diagnoses are PTSD, atypical OCD, and persistent depression w mood incongruent psychotic features.

Also: Besides being a good talker, I'm also a great listener. If you're struggling right now, I'm here for u.

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cosmic-divinity · 6 years

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Demons: Making a Mess All Over the City (7)

I’m back with another update!

Ryo got them out of there before things could get out of hand. From the incident of Akira suddenly pulling him away from that guy, he noticed more shadowy figures appearing near the back walls. He knew this place was connected to everything that was going on, but it wasn’t the epicenter. From the other information he had gotten along with Akira’s, it sounded like the main church here was the place to go. Even being close to Akira, something he had only dreamed of before, he still felt a hanging sense of dread. It was like a pressure on his temples that was telling him to get out of here.

He took a deep breath of the cool night air once they were back outside. It had been getting a little too hot in there with all the bodies around dancing. He stretched his arms above his head and took deep inhales in since he had the binder on. Akira was doing the same, going to lean against the outside of the building to cool down. He had let his feelings get the better of him, but he was still a bit pissed at Ryo for just putting himself into a situation like that. Sure, they were on a job or whatever, but he really didn’t have any limits, did he? Who knew how far he was going to let that creep get?

Ryo pulled out a cigarette and lit it, attempting to calm himself down. He went over to lean on the building by Akira, staring up at the night sky. It was completely dark now with the stars twinkling with their ghostly, far away light. What was he doing? He was putting Akira in harms way yet again. Had he not learned at all from what happened before? He had basically gone mad from the paranoia and betrayed Akira by outing him as a demon. Because of him, he had to rebuild his life all over again. He was sure most people had forgotten about that since demons have become more of a norm or at least most people confirm their existence but still. Who was to say he wouldn’t try that shit again: lose his mind from the growing threat and do something stupid. He could feel himself starting to sweat again, heart pounding in his chest. Akira was one of the most precious things in the world to him. He nearly lost him before and wasn’t about to let that happen again.

“You should be more careful, Ryo,” Akira said, breaking the strenuous silence between them. “And I’m not talking about the smoking.”

“I know you’re not,” Ryo sighed, stealing a glance over at him. Maybe he should just tell him to leave before he fucks up and ruins his life again. “I’m sorry. I’m getting you into all this demon stuff again. I should really learn from my past mistakes, but I always fuck things up somehow. Maybe..we should quit while we’re ahead. I mean, you and I. It seems like it’s always bad luck for you to be around me.”

“Wait, what are you talking about? Do you mean all that shit that happened? Ryo, I’m just talking about what you did in the club. I didn’t know how far you were going to let that guy go knowing you, so I stepped in before anything could happen. That’s all. You should think before you put yourself in situations like that. You act all tough, but I know you tend to either freeze up or just freak out in situations like that.” He paused for a moment, looking towards the ground then back up to him. “What you did back then was really shitty. My life was ruined, and then all the blame was being put on me. I basically had to run away from all I knew. But even so, I do forgive you. I know the situation was tough, and all the stress had really gotten to you. I admit I wasn’t really myself by the end either, but we’ve both moved on and somewhat built our lives back up. I’m not just gonna leave you while we’re in the middle of an investigation. This city needs us or more people are going to keep disappearing. I’m with you through thick and thin here, okay?” Akira noticed Ryo had started shivering a bit being that he was just in the crop top, and the air was cold tonight. “Here.” He slipped his jacket onto Ryo’s shoulders, rubbing him there to get some heat going.

“Oh, th-thanks,” Ryo stammered, face heating up as he hadn’t expected that at all. “You really want to keep working with me on this? It’s really okay if you want to leave, go back to your studies and such. I kind of did drag you into this with what was happening with my dad.”

“It’s really okay. I promise. We do have a lead after all. The church might really be the epicenter of all this activity. If that’s true, you’ll need my help because whatever is causing all this is probably something powerful. You’re my witch after all,” he said with a wink, trying to lighten the mood some.

“Heh, yeah, I am your witch. I do try my best.” Though he was laughing, he still felt a tense presence around even though they were outside the club now. He could’ve sworn he saw things lurking in the shadows and felt his stress levels sky rocket. “Let’s continue this conversation back at the hotel. I don’t like being out in the open like this.”

Akira nodded and went back over there with Ryo, trying to act nonchalant about the way Ryo was clinging to him as they walked. Despite him having the jacket on, he could still feel him shivering. He wondered if Ryo was also sensitive to the presence of demons too. Hell, maybe he really was a witch in a way.

Once they were back in the room, Ryo handed the jacket back to him and immediately went to his suit case to find something more comfortable to wear for lounging around. He loved the outfit he was wearing, but he needed comfort right now. He raised an eyebrow when he came across a strange item he didn’t recognize in his small duffel. Pulling out a pendant on a silver chain, he fixated on it. Connected to the chain was a deep red zircon crystal, a rather big one too. The aura around it was strange, especially when he touched the crystal itself. He knew that zircon crystals were some of the oldest on Earth, ranging up to three, almost four billion years. How did this even end up here? He didn’t remember ever owning or wearing it at all.

“What are you looking at?” Akira asked, walking up to him. He looked at the crystal curiously. He also felt a sort of weird vibe from it, almost familiar in a way but only from a small part of him.

“It’s a zircon crystal, but I honestly have no idea where this came from. I’ve never owned or worn something like this, but I found it in my bag.” With a shrug, Ryo slipped it around his neck, finding it fit perfectly with the zircon resting right under his collar bones.

“Well, maybe you just packed it in a rush and forgot? It is pretty cool looking. It’ll go well with your witch look,” Akira said, still feeling a bit wary of it, but he kept that to himself. He noticed that other material under Ryo’s shirt that he had noticed at the club when that creep was feeling him up, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he should ask. “Um, Ryo, I’ve been meaning to ask, but what is that you’re wearing under your shirt? Is it like an under shirt or something?”

Ryo glanced down, noticing his binder was showing a bit as it had been at the club too. He could just say it was an undershirt, but Akira was his best friend and also his huge crush since about forever. He was comfortable telling him.

“Well, no, actually..it’s a chest binder.” He took a moment to slip off his shirt, showing it to him. “It’s something that’s very personal to me, well obviously it is my body. Plus, we were busy with all the demon stuff at the time and younger. And well..I’m going to put this as simply as possible so I don’t make this anymore awkward, but I have boobs basically.” He smirked a bit at the slight look of surprise from Akira. Other than that, he didn’t react in any other visible way. “I developed them during puberty. I have a dick, and I still identify as a guy, but I just happen to have boobs too. I don’t really know why I took so long to tell you. I guess I didn’t want to make things awkward in our friendship or whatever.”

“Oh, I really don’t mind. I was just curious as to what you were wearing. That’s cool. It doesn’t change anything about us. I promise.” Akira smiled and reached out to give Ryo’s hand a squeeze. “It’s really cool that you’re comfortable enough to tell me that.”

Ryo felt a rush of relief course through him, smiling at Akira. Honestly, what did he do to end up with a friend like him? Well, that was out in the open now. He could tackle the whole “hey, I’ve had a huge ass crush on you since forever, wanna be boyfriends?” later. Right now, this was more than enough.

They spent the remainder of the night eating snacks and watching whatever they could find on the TV once they had both changed into more comfortable lounging clothes. They enjoyed the bit of relaxation they had before going back to work tomorrow with the mega church as their next destination.

#ryokira #devilman #fic #writing #ryo asuka #akira fudo #ao3

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maliwarm · 7 years

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Husk

They’ve taken everyone I know And now I walk these empty streets alone … They’ve erased everyone I know And still I walk these empty streets alone - AU idea: X. - “Watch it, kid!” “Sorry,” K’ mumbled, tweaking his cap at the man as a sign of apology. The motion did a fine job of drawing attention away from the wallet he was slipping into his coat pocket. He weaved through the rest of the crowd quick and quiet, head down; blending in amongst the crush and putting some distance between them before the man became aware of his theft. K’ then veered down an alley, slipping further in to use the shadows and dumpster as cloaks while he flicked through the pilfered wallet. The yield was roughly 8,700 yen and a couple of pictures of who must’ve been the man’s kids. He closed the wallet again with an abrupt snap, hiding the gap-toothed grins so his chest would stop twinging. He’d make an effort to drop the wallet into the nearest police station after he got himself something to eat. With hands jammed deep in his pockets, and cap shadowing his eyes, K’ shuffled back out and into the crush of the crowd. Both the garbs had been “borrowed” in much the same manner as the wallet; the coat had been snagged off somebody’s washing line, and the cap had sat, seemingly abandoned, inside a bus shelter. They did a fine job of hiding his shock of white hair and trademark leather. As well as the myriad of bruises and abrasions marring his skin. K’s left hand slipped out to pinch the skin between his exhausted eyes. He might have to find somewhere to hunker down for the night. Between being dogged by NESTS agents at every turn, and the extreme paranoia that plagued him whenever he did actually manage to evade them… he’d been putting off getting some shut-eye for too long. He’d already blacked out a couple of times yesterday - in safe spots, luckily - but he wasn’t keen on suffering any further repeats. Particularly in less safe situations. So, yeah. He was definitely finding somewhere to curl up and nap tonight. A hotel, or behind a dumpster, even. Just… whatever was available, at this point.

The convenience store chimed at his entrance, the clerk offering him a tired but nonetheless friendly smile as he stepped through the threshold. K’ offered her a slight nod by way of greeting before making a beeline straight towards the snack isle. Two bags of jerky - extra spicy - were snagged right away, followed by some wasabi peas. K’s thickly bandaged right fingers (to hide the telltale gauntlet) hovered over the rows of jerky again, seeking a third bag, until bright red packaging caught his eye. He brought the box up for inspection, faltering at the image of little cookie sticks dipped in chocolate. Oh. It was pocky… After a moment’s internal debate he added the sweets to the pile, gently stacking them atop the saltier snacks, before snagging a bottle of water and heading back to the counter. “Pocky, huh?” The clerk smiled at him between ringing up his purchases and bagging them. “Bit of a funny choice, considering all that salt you got there.”

“… My friend likes it,” K’ mumbled. Didn’t look up from watching the girl’s hands going through the motions with practiced ease. She paused briefly. Chuckled. “Ah. That explains it then.” K’ hummed noncommittally. He tugged the pilfered wallet out and started counting out the required notes, pointedly ignoring the girl’s curious glance towards the thick layer of bandages wrapped around his right hand. He passed the cash over, purposefully jamming his hands back into his pockets afterwards to stop her from staring at them. She flushed sheepishly with realisation, averting her gaze to focus instead on counting out his change. K’s head tilted away, towards the view beyond the glass doors, while she did so. It was getting dark outside. Night was approaching, and the roiling blanket of grey slithering across the sky made things even darker. Looked like a storm was inbound. Street lights began flicking on one by one, casting fuzzy yellow halos of light against the pavement to bravely keep the dark at bay. The stores across the road were also lighting up, all warm brightness and little bits of flashing neons. Amongst all that, K’ almost didn’t catch the flare of twin blue pinpricks from the darkness between two buildings. His blood chilled. “Just keep the change,” he told the clerk stiffly. She startled, sputtering as he snatched up his bag of stuff and made a swift exit. K’ kept his head down and his pace brisk as he skirted around the side, and towards the back, of the convenience store. The chain link fence separating it from some apartment blocks was easily hopped, and he headed straight towards the alleys beyond. He needed to gain some distance. Quickly. Or at the very least, confuse his trail a bit. With that in mind, K’ turned a series of corners at random and jumped up a fire escape. Chilly, rain-scented wind ruffled his clothes and hair, stinging his face, as he hopped over a few rooftops. Time bent and blurred with each successive burst of translocation used to aid his jumps, twisting his empty gut and making his head spin with increasing amounts of nausea and disorientation. But he couldn’t stop. Not now. It wasn’t safe. Perhaps because of his mounting exhaustion and wooziness, K’s next landing was gravely miscalculated. A stream of curses were spat as he stumbled into a roll, overbalanced at the opposite edge of the building, and fell. The wind whistled deafeningly during his unwanted descent, nearly swallowing his own harsh breaths and the plastic bag’s mad ruffling. K’ swiped desperately at passing objects to latch onto, or at the very least slow his fall, but he missed most of them. Ultimately, it was a window sill that saved him, at the unfortunate expense of severely jarring his arm. The remainder of the trip down was punctuated by stifled groans every time he dropped and caught the next sill until, at last, his boots hit cement. Miraculously, his purchases had survived the ordeal, with nothing but slightly stretched handles on the plastic bag’s end to show for it. K’ rolled his shoulder with a hiss, gaze darting between both ends of the alley. He saw nothing but darkness either way. Though that didn’t necessarily mean he was in the clear yet. K’ opted to go left, heading back towards the crowded streets. Things would likely become dangerous for innocent bystanders, but… If he managed to get swallowed up amongst the masses before his tail caught up, then that problem wouldn’t even exist. It was a risky gamble, but one he was willing to make. Besides, it wasn’t as though he had many options available. He turned in place, fully intending to follow through with his plan, only for the hair on the back of his neck to prickle at some impending danger. Acting on pure instinct alone, K’ hurled himself to the side.

A heavy gust of air whooshed by his ear, ruffling his hair, and a cloud of steam hissed and billowed out the corner of his eye, surrounding a large fist. K’ grunted as his body hit the cement. Pushed himself up again from a roll into a stand, dislodging his cap in the process. He came up facing the attacker with fists raised and jaw clenched. The pain in his eyes was obvious, no matter how hard he tried to snuff it. “Hey, moron. ’S been a while.” An empty shotgun-esque shell was ejected with more steam and hissing. It clicked and rolled away into the dark as the pieces of Maxima’s arm canon clicked back into place. His expression was a blank slate. Gone was the nigh-perpetual mirthful twinkle in his eyes, the broad grin, the aura of overt friendliness and kindness… And his voice was equally cold and dead as he spoke. “Agent K’, you are to come back with me to NESTS headquarters for reprogramming. Cease all resistance now or be terminated.” K’ shuffled back a step. His lips tugged up into what was supposed to be a faint grin, but looked more akin to a grimace. “Sorry, partner, no can do. You know that… I can’t exactly fix you if I’m a mindless drone too, remember?” Glowing blue swallowed Maxima’s eyes. K’ was being scanned, he knew. Getting probed for weaknesses and having any potential attacks he may be planning predicted. “You seek to continue this foolish resistance?” “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” His gauntlet heated, steam hissing out from the vents above his knuckles and slipping between the gaps of the bandages. K’ took a step forward, right fist clenched… Only to hurl the bag clutched in his left at the cyborg’s head instead. Maxima’s hand whipped up, arm cannon already primed, and a deafening explosion ripped through the alley as vapour and pieces of food flew. Half a pocky stick bounced off his sideburned cheek, but he didn’t so much as flinch. K’ turned on his heel and ran.

Barely ten seconds had passed before the whine of thrusters joined the soundtrack of his own harsh breathing and footfalls. K’ cursed, pivoting in place to swing a flaming backhand at the encroaching threat. Maxima ducked the blow, a thick arm already heading for his ribs in a retaliatory strike. There wasn’t enough time or space to avoid the blow. With the distinct crack of breaking bones filling the air, K’ was sent flying backwards, blood bubbling up past his clenched teeth and dribbling down his chin. For the second time in the span of five minutes, his body hit the cement. Bounced and rolled with all the control of a rag doll until his back smacked against a pile of garbage bags, bringing him to a stop. K’ braced both hands to push himself up, only to gasp around the fireworks of pain sparking angrily in his chest and collapse again. He wheezed, harsh and wet, clawing at the dirty ground instead of his chest to avoid further aggravation of the injury. Something within swung nauseatingly with every shallow breath. Ribs… Shit. A blue boot crunched into view, drawing K’s wavering gaze upwards. “Further resistance may result in death,” Maxima intoned. Glowered down at him with eyes still glowing, casting strange, harsh shadows over the lower half of his face. “Cease.” “Y-y'know,” K’ gasped out. Slowly pushed himself up onto elbows and knees, swaying unsteadily. “He’d be… d-disappointed… t'see you like… like this. Rocky, that is.” Maxima flinched. It was the first human reaction out of him from this entire encounter and it gave K’ hope. His friend was still in there somewhere, despite NESTS’ best efforts to erase him completely. With that in mind. K’ seized the tiny window of opportunity he’d created, throwing up a wall of fire between them so he could beat a hasty retreat; live to fight another day and plan just how to go about undoing whatever brainwashing and mind wiping NESTS had done to his friend. He staggered to his feet and ran while the cyborg was busy jumping out of the way of the flames and readjusting his vision from the sudden glare. Didn’t stop running even when he broke out of the alley and into the light and bustle of the streets. Would’ve continued to run if his body didn’t give out on him; the injuries and exhaustion finally taking their toll, causing him to collapse on his side in yet another alley. All he could do now was choke down ragged breaths around the swell of copper in his throat, releasing the occasional thin whine of pain, and watch frigid raindrops fall, soaking him and his surrounds, through blurred and darkening vision.

#self-indulgent Angst-Goblinry at its finest :y #don't worry he lives. he's just gonna be really McFuckening sore for the next couple of weeks while recovering #blood #Bite's writing #King of Fighters #KoF #K'#Maxima #K' Dash

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band-blogging · 7 years

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iRobot

Request: Could you do one-shot with Josh Dun based by song Irobot by Jon Bellion?I thing you would do amazing because because the one with alien was soooo goood… (I hope my grammar was good😂)

Characters: Josh Dun x Reader, Tyler Joseph

Warnings: Talk of anxiety, cursing, death

Josh remembers you so clearly, every detail, even now. Even after everything that’s happened.

He remembers your smile, even though it took you a while to show him how beautiful it was. He remembers how carefully you chose your words, how each one held meaning no matter how insignificant they may have been to anyone else. He remembers your lips, how they looked, the way they moved when you spoke. How they felt.

He never imagined you would turn on him. But he should have known.

He remembers your shaking hands as you held a gun in your hand, the barrel pointed towards his chest. You were silent in the moment and he can still see the tears brimming in your eyes. You were never heartless, even though that’s what some people assumed. You were just broken, maybe more so than himself.

But you refused to open up to him or to anyone. Not fully. Your eyes weren’t full of life like other’s were. They seemed dull, and he hated that he knew why.

He remembers the slight rasp in your voice. How it was never perfectly smooth.

He thought it was beautiful.

But you spoke to him more clearly then you ever had when you were about to kill him. He could tell you were doing your best to keep your voice from shaking, but he could still hear it. He had learned to pick up those little things about you.

“I’m sorry.”

The only thing he doesn’t remember clearly is when you pulled the trigger. The bullet shot toward him and everything happened in an instant. He was on the ground, bleeding, gasping for air that wouldn’t come no matter how hard he tried to fill his lungs.

He remembers your last word, the last word he heard from you, at least. A broken sob that sounded like his name.

Then he remembers seeing flashes of his messed up life, going in between memories and a blackness that he had never experienced. He didn’t think things could get that dark.

That was the day that Joshua Dun died.

You remember the first time you pulled the trigger. It hit the target that had been set up in front of you near the edge and you remember the disappointed sighs of the people who thought you would be a better shot.

You remember the face of the first man you almost killed, and you remember collapsing in front of him, dropping the gun with tears streaming down your face, trying not to acknowledge the fact that oh my god, I almost killed him.

You remember the first time you pulled the trigger. The first time you took someone’s life. You remember the second time and the third time and you remember their names and the reason they couldn’t live and what they looked like and you remember all of the nights you’ve stayed awake because when you close your eyes, they’re suddenly in front of you again. They’re crying and they’re asking you things: why did you let this happen, why did you do this to us, why did you put us through this, why did you put yourself through this-

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know I don’t knowIdon’tknowIdon’tknow-

You remember torturing yourself night after night because of the horrible things that you have done, yet you still do it because you have to. You’ve dug yourself into a hole and you’ve been finding that digging in is much easier than climbing out.

You remember trying to tell them that you couldn’t do it anymore. You could feel yourself slowly going insane and you knew that if you kept going you were going to break.

It’s not easy, you knew that coming in.

They told you there was no way, they tried to be decent and not tell you what would really happen.

And you didn’t realize what they meant when they said they knew you wouldn’t leave until you saw her picture on a screen. She was their leverage, that one little detail that was actually the most important thing in your life and they knew they had you moving in the direction they needed you to move.

That’s my sister.

It was an obvious move. You’re not a pawn, they haven’t degraded you to something that insignificant. You’re more like a bishop, and you’ve sacrificed yourself trying to protect the queen. Your queen.

The only person that’s ever mattered.

You’re going to do what we say, no questions asked.

And you nodded because you’ve been in this long enough to know that bluffs don’t exist. They know where your sister lives and they know where she works and what she looks like and you know exactly what they would do if you were to walk out. They know how they would make you the first person to find out that she’s gone. They know exactly how to break you and they’ve done a great job so far.

You remember thinking of him as a distraction at first. A distraction from everything horrible and wrong in your life. You remember feeling something for him a few weeks after it started…something real, and thinking what the hell have I done when you realized that maybe you actually wanted to be with him.

You remember Josh the same way he remembers you.

Both of you were just out of reach.

You go to the same coffee shop at least once a week, just to make life seem somewhat normal. More normal than it really is.

You sit in the same booth everyday, in the back corner of the shop, hidden from prying eyes.

You pull out your phone, sighing when you see you have a few texts.

It wasn’t uncommon for you to have a text from an unknown number telling you that they wanted to meet with you at some random location. Your number has been distributed so that people can contact you if they have certain things that need to be taken care of. Things that they can’t do if it means having blood on their hands.

You’re in too deep and wouldn’t it be a waste of energy, all that digging, to just stop with no way of climbing out. Better to just go deeper.

Then, under the vague text from the stranger that has every intention of making you kill someone, is a text from your sister.

Y/S/N: Hey! I was wondering if you would want to come over tonight. I want you to meet my boyfriend

You smile, remembering when your sister told you about this perfect guy that she had met the other day. You had told her how happy you were for her, I can’t wait to meet him!

Y/N: See you tonight!!

Y/S/N: Awesome! He invited his friend over too, so you’ll get to meet them both

She doesn’t know.

She doesn’t know about the job and the innocent people that you’re forced to kill. But she knows that you’re struggling and she knows that when you show up at her house, tears in your eyes and guilt evident in your expression that all you need is someone to sit with you so that you know you’re not alone. Because that’s something that you desperately need to be reminded.

She thinks you have anxiety. She thinks that’s the cause of your shaking hands and your nightmares and constant paranoia, and maybe that’s part of it. Maybe that’s what has developed over years of killing innocents. Goddamn anxiety.

But your hands only shake when you’re not holding a gun and you’re only paranoid when you’re around her because, oh god, what if they’re here? What if they take her from me?

You’re fine other then that, you smile when you know people expect you too and act like a normal, excited sister when she tells you about her boyfriend.

He’s perfect! Oh my god, what if we get married? What if he’s the one? Y/N, he’s amazing!

She never stops talking about him. This perfect boyfriend that tends to her every need and seems to care more about her then he cares about himself.

And he can sing and play piano and his friend plays drums and they want to start a band, how hot is that

You hold your phone in one hand, ringing the doorbell to her two-story house with the other, hearing her footsteps quickly approaching.

You smile softly at your sister, who is looking at you with messy hair and wide eyes that tells you that you may have interrupted her and this perfect boyfriend of hers.

“Do I need to have the sex talk with you that mom never had?”

She rolls her eyes and takes your arm, pulling you in the house.

“Can you keep your voice down?” she scolds, smacking your arm. “He’s here you know.”

“I can’t, actually. And I also don’t care,” you say, smirking at her. “So, where is he?”

“In the living room, so hurry up and take your coat off, I want you to meet him.”

“Stop rushing me.”

Once you’ve put all your stuff down, she takes your arm again and pulls you through the kitchen, into the living room where her boyfriend is waiting on the couch with his hands in his lap and his face flushed.

“Tyler,” your sister says, getting the brown haired boy’s attention, “this is my sister, Y/N.”

You smile, giving him a little wave as he stands.

“Hey, nice to meet you,” Tyler says. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh man, you must hate me already,” you say, making him laugh.

“I only told him the embarrassing stuff.”

“Fantastic.”

Tyler laughs at the two of you and you take the opportunity you have.

“Well, I’ve heard a lot about you,” you tell Tyler, almost laughing when your sister tenses next to you. “Musician, singer, extremely attractive.”

Y/S/N’s eyes widen and not long after you feel her elbow connect with your hip, making you gasp.

“Jerk.”

You laugh along with Tyler, who walks up to your sister and wraps an arm around her waist, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“You’re so cute, babe,” he says with a laugh, looking down at your pouting sister.

Another knock at the door interrupts your laughter and Tyler perks up.

“That’s probably Josh, I’ll get it.”

Once Tyler is out of the room, Y/S/N looks at you expectantly.

“He’s alright,” you say with a shrug, trying to force the smile off your face.

“Oh, come on,” Y/S/N groans, “you’re being difficult.”

“Am I? I didn’t notice.”

That earns you a punch in the stomach and you double over, surprised at how strong your sister has gotten.

“Unnecessary.”

“Yeah, man, it’s good to see you,” you hear an unfamiliar voice say in the hallway, making you force yourself to stand up straight, shooting your sister a glare.

“This my friend, Josh.”

In and out, remember?

Don’t get caught.

A gas station seems a good enough place to kill someone. You wouldn’t know, you’ve never killed someone in a gas station.

The tv is running in the background, a bit too loud for your liking. You hear it running through commercials and you suddenly feel the need to take your gun out and shoot it from the painful irony of the words it’s spitting at you.

Are you ready for a change?

You keep your hands at your sides as you make your way through the short isles of chips and candy, back towards the bathrooms.

The newspaper stand is set up in a rather convenient spot, just out of sight of the cashier and the limited number of customers.

You pull your matchbox from your pocket and light one, looking over your shoulder before letting the match light the small pile of newspapers.

“Fire!” you scream, rushing out from the back, waving your arms frantically to get everyone’s attention. “There’s a fire, everyone get out!”

Screams erupt from the few customers as they run from the shop, the cashier getting out as well. You go to the men and women’s bathrooms and bang on the door to both, shouting the same thing.

“There’s a fire, get out!”

People rush from the bathrooms and you wait by the doors, taking the arm of a familiar man when he rushes out of the men’s bathroom, stopping him by the flaming newspapers.

“What the hell? Let go of me, you crazy bitch.”

You scowl at him and wait for the few men in the bathroom to run out, their actions frantic and fast, so fast that they don’t notice you holding the man back against the wall.

“Who the hell do you think you are? We have to get out, can’t you see the-”

“Shut up,” you growl, pushing him back into the men’s bathroom with your arm across his chest.

“Don’t make any noise and this will go a lot easier for both of us.”

You pull your gun out and hold it against his stomach, making him freeze. He looks down at you with wide eyes, but keeps his mouth shut.

“Do you know this man?” you ask, pulling out a picture of your boss from your pocket.

Your boss is known by a very limited number of people, and he happens to know of a certain journalist who is starting to gather information on him to write an article.

This journalist is currently shaking in your grip, trying to convince you to spare his life.

He takes one look at the picture in your hand and his eyes widen.

“That’s a yes, then.”

One twitch of the finger. One little tick that has the power to end someone’s life.

You remember his face. Of course you remember it. You remember his face, his name, the reason, the location. You remember everything, just like all the others.

There wasn’t much you needed to do to dispose of the body, that would be taken care of for you.

There are perks to lighting a fire at a gas station.

You remember those dreadful words, the ones you had been hoping she would never say to you.

“You guys would be perfect together.”

No we wouldn’t you want to scream we wouldn't because I’m an assassin but, hey, thanks for the effort.

Y/S/N has been trying to set you up with someone for as long as you can remember, claiming that you need to get out there and have fun and do dumb single stuff with her (not anymore, apparently), and you’ve turned every offer down.

There’s not much harm in spending time with your sister in her home, where nothing can happen and you could protect her if something did. Outside of that, it’s too open and there are too many people and not all of them could be who they say they are. You figure you’re better safe than sorry.

It’s the same with getting attached to anyone else, which is why you would much rather stay out of the dating pool.

“And I knew you were going to say no, so I already set it up. You’re meeting him at that coffee shop you always go to at six.”

“Wait- you what?”

“Please don’t be mad, I just feel like you need someone there to, you know… support you.”

She’s looking at you with sympathy in her eyes and you want to scream at her.

No, I’m not struggling with anxiety that’s not what this is.

“Look,” you say, pinching the bridge of your nose, “it would be a lot better for me to just stay single, okay? I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, despite what you think.”

You know she doesn’t believe you, she’s told you before that she doesn’t think she can trust your judgement because of the anxiety that you apparently have.

I see your hands shaking, Y/N. I know about the nightmares and I know that you cry yourself to sleep sometimes. You need help.

“Please, just…just go on this one. This is it, if it doesn’t go well, then you don’t have to go on anymore. Please, for me.”

You think it over; pros and cons.

Pro: You would make your sister happy, which, at this point, is the only thing you’d willingly do without feeling immense guilt afterwords.

Con: You would put this person in danger.

Pro: Your sister wants you to.

Con: Just more blood on your hands.

Pro: Your sister wants you to.

“One date,” you say with a defeated sigh. “One.”

“Of course.”

You should have expected it. You walked into the coffee shop and wanted to laugh out loud when you saw a familiar puff of yellow hair on a head that was turned away from you.

“Josh?”

He turns around, his smile falling when he sees you.

Glad I can get those real reactions from men.

“Y/N?”

You chuckle as you sit across from him, wrapping your hands around the coffee you had ordered when you first arrived at the shop.

“Don’t look too disappointed,” you say with a forced smile pointed towards your coffee. You may have been very against going on this date, but you still have feelings and Josh looked pretty disappointed when he saw you.

“No! No, God no, that’s not…I just didn’t…I didn’t think this would be with someone I knew.”

“Did Y/S/N force you into this?”

Josh chuckles, holding his own coffee, one size larger than your own.

“Yeah, kinda…” he says sheepishly. “She told me it was a perfect mach.”

“Yeah, well, she says a lot of things.

You both laugh, but yours immediately stops when something on the tv screen in the corner catches your attention.

Yesterday at 5:00pm there was an explosion at a gas station in Columbus, Ohio. Investigators say the explosion started inside the store and a body was found in the bathroom. The body cannot be identified, police are still investigating the scene.

“Are you alright?”

You turn your attention back to Josh, meeting his concerned gaze, watching him glance at the tv screen behind him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. It’s just, um…it’s sad, you know? That man that died at the gas station.”

“Yeah, it is.”

The rest of the night is spent talking about things that you haven’t talked about with anyone for a long time and you don’t want to admit it, but it’s so refreshing to talk about this with someone and you don’t realize how late you’ve stayed talking to Josh until the barista tells you they’re closing.

“Hey, um…do you want to come back to my place? I’ve had a great time and I’d love to talk some more.”

You shouldn’t. You can’t. But it sounds so inviting and you haven’t talked to someone like this in so long and at this point you figure might as well, we’ve talked for this long. What’s the harm?

What’s the harm?

You know from a lot of experience that those words are very dangerous.

“No way,” Josh laughs, throwing his head back.

“Yeah, I swear it happened. Y/S/N shoved me into him and he spilled his coffee all over me, then said he ‘didn’t think it would work out’ and left.”

Josh bursts into laughter, doubling over on the couch. You giggle along with him, waiting for him to stop laughing.

“Okay, your turn.”

“Alright, um…” he pauses, trying to think of another breakup story he has, “Tyler and I went out one night and he introduced me to this girl and apparently I looked like this guy that had cheated on her and she was pretty drunk, so she gave me a mean right hook, then poured the remnants of her drink on me.”

You burst out laughing, almost in the same position Josh was from your story.

“Are you serious?”

“Dead,” Josh laughs. “To this day, Tyler still brings it up around all of our friends. ‘Hey guys, remember that time Josh was almost knocked out by a drunk chick?’ ‘Do you guys remember when Josh was mistaken for a cheater?’ It sucks sometimes.”

“I bet it does.”

You and Josh laugh until your stomachs hurt and you hate that you’re having such a good time.

“Well, I should get going,” you say after about an hour of telling the best stories you can come up with. “I…had a really good time.”

You feel like a lovestruck teenager and you hate it.

“I did too,” Josh smiles. “We…um…do you want to do it again?”

No, I don’t. I really, really don’t. Don’t you dare say yes, I swear to God if you say yes-

“I’d love too.”

Dammit.

Josh smiles and leans forward, pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“See you soon.”

“You were out for hours,” Y/S/N squeals when you walk through the door, jumping up from the couch that she was obviously waiting for you on. “I was beginning to think you weren’t going to come back until tomorrow morning.”

You smack her arm and take your coat off, trying to fight the smile off your face.

“I except him to kiss me before anything like that happens.”

“Wait,” Y/S/N freezes, “He didn’t kiss you? That pussy.”

“He kissed my cheek, but we both know that doesn’t count.”

She laughs and you smile at her, but it falls when your phone begins to ring.

“I should take this…”

You sister gives you a concerned look, but nods, stepping out of your way so you can answer the call in the makeshift office she has set up, closing the door behind you.

“Hello?”

Was it you?

You close your eyes when you hear the familiar rasp of your boss’s voice, anger evident in his tone.

“What are you talking about?”

You know what. You were the one who caused the explosion at the gas station, that’s how you decided to carry out your most recent job.

“What’s wrong with it? You gave me a job and I did it.”

Don’t be a smart ass, Y/L/N. You were careless. Stupid. Don’t slip up like this again or I swear-

“I know,” you say, peeking out to make sure your sister isn’t listening, “I know, you don’t have to remind me.”

Don’t screw up like this again. I’m not going to be the one busting you out when you get your ass thrown in prison.

The line cuts off and you sigh, pulling the phone away from your ear, feeling it tremble in your hand.

“No, stop, stop, stop,” you whisper, trying to steady the shaking. You can’t help it. You’re terrified.

“Y/N?”

You wipe your eyes and walk out of the office, smiling at your sister.

“Is everything okay?”

You nod, but your sister immediately looks down at your hands.

“You’re shaking, Y/N, you’re obviously not okay.”

You shake you head and ball your hands into fists so she can’t see them begin to shake harder.

“I’m just going to go, okay?”

“Who was that on the phone?”

You shake your head again and push past her, ignoring her shouts for you to tell her the truth.

“Who was on the damn phone, Y/N?”

“It was my boss, now let it go!”

“Who the hell is your boss? Why do you let him scare you like this?”

I love you, and if I tell you now I’ll be betraying you.

“I’m leaving,” you mumble, despite your sister’s protests. “I’ll see you later.”

He kissed you. He leaned forward and kissed you and god, he’s such an idiot but he wants to kiss you again and again until all you know how to do is attach your lips to his.

“How could you let this happen?” he can hear Tyler ask him as he moves his lips against yours, his arms wrapping around your waist. “This wasn’t the plan.”

Screw the plan.

Screw this and screw that and screw him and just screw it.

Tyler doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

He kissed you and kissed you and kissed you and he should regret it but he doesn’t because, God, it felt good.

You kissed him back and he wrapped his arms around you tightly, hoping you wouldn’t slip away from him.

“I have to go,” you told him after, leaving him with wet lips and a heavy heart because he wishes it wasn’t you. This would be so much easier if it wasn’t you.

You left and he knew he couldn’t let it go any farther. He needed to end things and finish what he started.

“You let this happen,” Tyler said, rightfully so. “You did this to yourself.”

Months go by. Months before Josh knows that things have gone on for too long. He’s in too deep and, yes, you’re everything he’s ever imagined, but he’s afraid Tyler might do the job for him if he doesn’t do it soon.

“You’re such an idiot,” Tyler kept telling him. “How could do this?” He doesn’t know.

His relationship with Y/S/N might have been for show, but yours never was. It was the one thing that he could hold onto when he had nothing left. That was his reason. You kept him fighting. You gave him hope that one day he could be happy and he didn’t want to let that go.

“You have to break things off with Y/S/N,” he told Tyler.

“I already did. I hope that encourages you to move a bit faster.”

Don’t you get it? he wants to scream, I can’t.

He’s falling. He’s falling hard and by the time he hits the ground he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get back up.

Better to end things before the ground gets too close.

You get a text from a mysterious number telling you to meet them at their address, per usual. Nothing out of the ordinary.

You stuff your gun in its holster, ready to get this meeting over with so you can see Y/S/N. She’s been extremely upset these past few days.

You show up at the address the text from your next client told you to meet at with your gun in your bag- just in case- and walk in quickly, trying not to draw too much attention from outsiders.

“Hello?”

The house is silent and it makes you feel uneasy, but you continue walking, going through a hallway that leads you to a kitchen.

You close your eyes, letting out a sigh when you feel a gun pressed against your back. An all too familiar feeling.

You reach towards your holster slowly and whip around, pointing your gun at whoever is behind you.

“Josh?”

You stare at him, the man you had considered giving your heart to, standing here, ready to put a bullet through it.

He doesn’t say anything.

Better not to say anything then let words get in the way.

“What is this?”

You should’ve known. You should’ve known that your happiness could never have been real.

It was nice to pretend.

“This is the job. You should understand,” he says, “you know where both of our priorities lie.”

You know exactly what he’s talking about. His weakness, like yours, is another person. Another human being who’s being held hostage by another sick, sick monster.

“Who is it?”

He chuckles, humorless and full of remorse and regret and so much guilt.

“My sister. Just like you.”

You shift, switching the gun from your left hand to your right, keeping it pointed at his chest.

“I’ll explain it to you,” he says, his words soft and calm, as if he isn’t holding you at gun point. As if he isn’t being held at gun point. “My boss is one of your boss’s biggest enemies. What better way is there to beat him then to kill the person who does all the dirty work?”

“You make it sound so simple.”

You almost see a smile, a slight twitch of his lips, but its gone before you can confirm it was ever there.

“I don’t have a choice.”

You don’t think you’ve ever felt so angry at anyone in your entire life.

“You’re sick,” you spit at him. “You let me fall for you…why? So you could rub it in my face?”

What makes you think I didn’t want you as bad as you wanted me.

“That’s not what happened.”

You shake your head at him, not believing that this is real.

“And Y/S/N? Was it ever real with her and Tyler? It was all just part of the plan, right?”

“We had to, you have to understand-”

“She texted me a couple days ago. Said he broke things off, didn’t even give her a reason. Just up and left. They were together, what, five months? And we were together for four, right?”

“You know as well as I do that you would’ve done the same thing.”

“I wouldn’t have fallen for the person I was supposed to kill! That’s cruel! T-to both of us. Even after everything, I still have some decency, and I’ve done some pretty messed up things, you have no idea.”

Josh nods, and you assume he knows what you’ve done.

“You should’ve made it quick. Just put me out of my misery the minute you got me alone.”

“That’s what you would’ve wanted?”

“Over this? Yeah, I think so.”

He nods, his gun still pointed at your chest, in the same spot yours is pointed at his.

“Then I’m sorry.”

You scoff and shake your head.

“You shouldn’t have dragged Y/S/N into this.”

“Maybe not,” Josh says, keeping his eyes locked with yours. “It was Tyler’s idea.”

“She thought he was the one, you know. She told me,” you inform him. “Does he feel guilty at all?”

No answer.

You stare at him, watching him walk closer to you. You tense and thrust your gun towards him, making him stop.

“I swear, if you take another step I’ll blow your brains out.”

“I guess I’ll stay here, then.”

You consider asking him if he’ll let you call your sister, just to tell her you love her. You might not walk out of the house, and if Josh is going to be the one to kill you, maybe he’ll be sympathetic enough to let you talk to her one last time.

But you wait, keeping as still as you can as you try not to tremble.

“Was it real?”

It’s a fair question. All of those nights spent talking and kissing and telling each other that everything’s going to be okay, even though neither of you knew what “it” was. All of the unspoken words and claims of affection that may or may not have been true.

“It wasn’t supposed to be.”

You scoff and shake your head again, watching his rigid demeanor start to crack, his regret showing through.

“What do you mean ‘it wasn’t supposed to be?’ how is that supposed to justify-”

“I made a mistake,” he snaps, silencing you. “A huge, idiotic mistake, because I wanted to believe that I had a chance at feeling what I felt with you. Happiness. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.

“And, believe me, I tried to stop myself from falling for you, but you were everything and I couldn’t help myself.”

You stare at him, wanting to tell him that it was the exact same thing for you, but not wanting to give him the satisfaction of a heartfelt response.

“Are you going to shoot me?”

“That depends,” he pauses, taking one risky step closer to you. “Are you going to be the first to pull the trigger?”

Tick tock tick tock, times running out. Better be the first, better be the one to walk out.

“Does it scare you?” he asks suddenly.

“What?”

“Holding someone’s life in your hands and deciding to pull the trigger.”

It terrifies you.

“You know I would be lying if I said no.”

There’s a silence, a long, painful silence that makes everything good and pure about Josh and your time with him rush back in that moment.

“Should I say something to you?” you ask eventually. “If one of us is going to die, what are we going to say to the other? Those ‘last words’ that everyone makes such a big deal about.”

He thinks for a moment and you’re terrified that his choice of last words might be something that will make you drop the gun and tell him to put you out of your misery.

“I-”

“I swear to god, Joshua. Don’t you dare.”

He smiles, a small tug at the corner of his mouth.

“How about…I’m sorry.”

Good enough. Better than the alternative.

“That works.”

He nods, content with his words.

“Your turn.”

“I’m sorry too.”

You pull the trigger a second too soon because he had a look on his face that told you he wanted to say something else.

The bullet leaves your gun and it’s too late to do anything about it now. It hits him with an all too familiar bang that’s gotten louder every time you’ve pulled the trigger and the ringing in your ears is so loud that you can barely hear anything else. It’s all just background noise.

But you hear Josh gasp for breath. You hear him say your name. You don’t hear anything after that, falling into something that could be classified as shock.

You’ve never had to kill someone this close before.

But, in the end, it had to be done. You know that. She would’ve died if you hadn’t because your boss would know you let yourself die at the hands of an enemy. He would’ve given you what he believed you deserved.

“J-Josh…”

Maybe you shouldn’t have done it. But you shouldn’t have done a lot of things that day. You shouldn’t have thought so selfishly when you pulled the trigger, your thoughts of your sister as you did so. You shouldn’t have called an ambulance on a dying man to make yourself feel better about shooting him.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love.

But Josh was just so perfect and he was there all the time, when you had your night terrors and when your “anxiety” acted up. And you were there for him in the exact same situations.

You should have given him better words to die with.

You shouldn’t have gone to see your sister in tears barely an hour after it happened, making her think your anxiety was at its worst. You suppose it was, in a way.

And, months later, you shouldn’t have been doing the exact some thing you were doing before, but that was where you were and there wasn’t much you could do to change that.

And who knows? Maybe you shouldn’t have opened the mysterious blue letter addressed to you with a stamp that looked suspicious enough. The single slip of paper with a few simple words that you shouldn’t have read.

But, God, are you glad you did.

I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. -J

(x)

#josh dun #josh dun imagines #josh dun imagine #josh dun x reader #twenty one pilots #twenty one pilots imagines #twenty one pilots imagine #twenty one pilots x reader #top #top imagine #top imagines #top x reader #bands #band #band imagine #band imagines #bands x reader

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animeyanderelover · 3 years

Note

I've seen prompt 88 and immediatly think Ash! If you don't mind, can you write it?

Yes, of course!

Warnings: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, paranoia, delusions kidnapping

Prompt 88: “I’m sorry that I keep you in here. But you’re too pure and innocent. I’m scared that this world will break you. I’m only protecting you.”

“Please Ash! I want to get out of here! I want to see my family again! And my friends! It’s been so long since I’ve had contact with other people...” Your voice became a quiet hush during the last sentence, feeling yourself getting more and more exhausted. How you hated this place. How you hated being a hostage in this little palace Ash had made for you. How you hated being Ash’s little darling which he wanted to spoil and protect from the outside world. And all of this whilst telling you that he just was too terrified to lose the only pure human he had ever met in his life. You didn’t even think of yourself as that pure. You weren’t someone really bad, but you also weren’t someone you would think of as perfect. You had lied in your past, you had done some pretty stupid things and you had also been violent a few times before. And you weren’t really religious either. There were people you could think who appeared to be much more fitting for this title. But at this point you would have accepted everyone else being stuck in this person who wasn’t you. Another thing that didn’t make you think you were as pure as he told you too. You were selfish and sometimes even greedy. So what exactly made you so much more innocent from all the others?

By now you were just sitting on the bed, your knees being pressed against your stomach and your head burried in them. You wanted to get out. You felt like becoming sick if you would be stuck in this house for much more longer. You just wanted to get out. “Please Ash...”, you begged quietly and if it wouldn’t have been for the silence surrounding the both of you, he wouldn’t have been able to hear you. The whole time he had just been standing in front of the door, wanting to prevent you from storming out of the room. The windows were already locked up, Ash not wanting you to have any way to leave your “home”. You remembered still clearly what had happened when you had actually managed to take a step outside this place. Ash had gone into a frantic and lunatic mode, instantly dragging you back and blabbering something from “not bearing the thought that this rotten world could ruin you” and “needing to clean this place up for your sake”. He was normally a calm and composed man around you, but in that moment his facade had broken for a short moment and he had revealed his true self. A maniac through and through. Only after locking everything up, cleaning you completely up and checking for any injuries on you and not finding anything he had calmed down a bit. And then? He had cried. Tears had been rolling down his face whilst he had told you in a voice filled with fear, worry and passion that you shouldn’t do something like this again. You were so fragile. You were like a beautiful flower, beautiful, but also so easy to be destroyed. And that’s why he wanted to keep you safe. And if he wouldn’t be able to protect you as your guardian angel, then what was he good for anyways?

You heard suddenly the parquet creaking, telling you that Ash was stepping to the bed. What did he want to do now? Oh wait. You knew what would come now. Him telling you that he just wanted to keep you safe. Him comforting you and promising to get you everything you wanted. Him sweet talking to you and promising you as soon as he had cleaned the world he would let you out again. The same old story like always. And you knew better than screaming at him or cursing, struggling and yelling. Ash would never hurt you, you knew that. He would rather lose some limbs than doing that. But the thing was that you would only hurt your mouth like this because he never got mad at you. So by the end of your shouting seesions he would just coo at you and you would just be exhausted. No matter what you had tried, he had always adored you for whatever action you had made. You had once even tried to hurt him. And he hadn’t done anything. Instead he had just told you that if you thought he deserved it because he had upset you in some way you had all right to do it. You had gotten chills in that moment, stepping horrified back. He saw you as someone higher than him, someone who deserved to have fulfilled every wish they had. And he was ready to do whatever it takes to fulfill your wishes.

“(y/n). My queen/king.” There he went again with this calm and charming voice of his. You just tried to make yourself even smaller, curling yourself more up. You didn’t want to hear this shit again. “That’s so unfair, you know? Being stuck in this place for god knows how long and not being able to step out again. You say you want to make me happy? You say that you want to fulfill me my every wish? Then please, let me out of here.” You squeezed your eyes tightly, feeling tears of frustration gather in the corner of your eyes. But you didn’t want to cry. Not in front of him. You were scared of his reaction if he would see you cry. What if he would went into his maniac mode again and would hurt himself for upsetting you? He had done it a few times before. And the knowledge that he was ready to do this for you was downright terrifying. You hadn’t asked for this. Never had you wanted this. But now you were stuck too deeply in this mess to ever get out again. Not like he would ever let you leave him anyways. You were a bird in a cage. With all the fancy stuff, the sheets made out of only the finest material and the clothes in the wardrobe being more expensive than all your former clothes together some people would have given you weird looks. But a cage was still a cage, even if it was a golden one.

You felt the mattress shifting once again because he leaned closer to you. You tensed slightly up when you felt his breath hitting your skin, not feeling comfortable that he was that close to you. “Are you upset because of me?” You were clearly able to hear the slight shaking of his voice, despite him trying to sound calm. Oh no. Please not this again. You slowly looked up. As much as you wanted to get out of here, you also didn’t want to go through the stress of seeing Ash hurting himself again. You were met with his face being very close to yours, his purple eyes gazing right into yours. You could see the swelling panic in them, the horrifying thought of him having upset you. You slowly shook your head. “N-no. I’m not. I-I just don’t understand why you do it.” That was a lie. You were upset. But you were also afraid of having to hear his maniacal talking about how he had hurt you and how undeserving he was to have upset you. It was too much for you to take. So you dearly hoped that he wouldn’t get angry with himself. For a few moments Ash just stared at you. And you couldn’t help the thought that he was very handsome crossing your mind. He looked like...Well, like an angel.

“I’m sorry that I keep you in here. But you’re too pure and innocent. I’m scared that this world will break you. I’m only protecting you.” He sounded a bit calmer, his voice having gone back to it’s soothing tone. He had moved even closer to you, making you lean back to gain some distance between you and him. His eyes were scanning busily over every inch of you, shining with something that could only be described as utter and complete devotion. “I know that this is hard to understand for you. That is just another proof that you’re a pure hearted person. So it’s my job to help you understand that you deserve better, that your place is somewhere above those trash out there.” One of his hands slowly grabbed yours, carefully, as if you were made out of glass and started rubbing circles into it before moving it closer to his face. “After all,”, he began and and placed a kiss on your knuckles, his lips staying a bit longer on your skin before continuing,”it’s my job as your protector and guardian angel to make sure that no one can taint or harm you. Hopefully you’ll understand one day that no one is worth being near you. Even I am not completely worthy.”

#yandere black butler #yandere kuroshitsuji #yandere ash #yandere ash landers

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bad-idealist · 7 years

Text

The Circus Freak

It was a morbidly stormy evening when I decided to search for my brother. Mom and dad where growing anxious because he hadn’t been home for almost a day. I wasn’t worried though, it seemed typical of him to do something like this. Plus I knew where he most likely was, he’d talked about breaking into the ruins of an old local circus. According to him it was meant to stay for a week then pack up and move, but it never did. Instead all of the performers disappeared within days of arrival leaving the place to rot. So of course he and his idiot friends wanted to spend a night there. I decided not to tell our parents of my brother’s plans; he would’ve received lecturing enough upon his return. So shortly after dinner I was on my bike trying to remember the way to the field the circus rested upon. Cursing the weather as rain pelted my thin jacket. I had no reason, but I was already unnerved. The intermittent booms of thunder didn’t help.

Within a minute of frantic peddling I was there. At this point furious with my brother for making me come out and find him, yet as I laid eyes upon the place I felt a twinge of something else. Fear? No, I told myself to stop being ridiculous. This attempt at self reassurance was quickly dashed as an arc of lighting clawed its way across the night sky, highlighting the broken silhouette of the run down tent, and the frail fence supposed to keep people out. But there was something else, a figure? I again scolded myself for letting my mind play tricks on me and reluctantly got of my bike and approached the structure, lighting continuing to crackle in the fog ridden sky behind the enormous main tent.

I approached the thin mesh fence to discover a hole had been cut. My brother had to be in there. So I ventured in. It was then that I got the sense of being watched, watched by the worn posters scattered about the place, and by something else. I knew I wasn’t alone. As I wandered towards the main tent I found all manner of abandoned equipment, hoops, confection machines and even animal cages were left scattered about the floor at random. Someone had definitely been there, and I wanted to call out to my brother and be done with the whole unpleasant search. Yet some odd paranoia compelled me not to. I eventually made my way to the main tent, reading posters as I went. “Come see Mr marvellous and his dancing lion” one read, another imploring me to “behold the amazingly flexible human ragdoll”. The place seemed like it would’ve been fun had it been functional, but any sense of child like joy had been drowned out by the march of time, and the whole place reeked of decay. The storm gnawing away at everything it touched. I finally ventured to the main tent, the once bright red had faded, and the vines of fairy lights that once lined the structure now drooped low. I was surprised it was still standing considering it looked like a harsh wind would be enough to knock it down. I circled the structure till I came to a flap which I presumed to be an entrance and slipped in. I expected to find a large empty arena such was usually the setup in circuses, but I found something much, much different.

The stench of waste hit me immediately. I found not a massive hall but a tight, dark hallway, or at least a manmade one, clumsily thrown together out of trash and wood from god knows where. It had seemed as though my brother and his friends had constructed some sort of fort out of what seemed like garbage, and if I was lucky he shouldn’t have been far. But this was weird, even for him. Regardless, I took out my phone, using it as a torch as I crept warily down the tunnel. As I walked I noticed many tiny holes and tunnels, I pondered there use as certainly nobody would want to crawl though the junk. I also began to notice a mysterious fabric dotted about the peculiar hallway, there appeared to be grey sacks of varying size scattered throughout the collection of waste. I presumed that they were probably full of the old food, which explained the rotten smell. A wave of relief washed over me as the tunnel came to an end. This relief was short lived. As I stepped into what can only be described as a makeshift room, somehow weaved together out of junk, with bits of rope hanging from the ceiling and even more sacks dotted about the place, some particularly large ones even scattered around the floor. Yet still no sign of my brother. I swore to myself that he’d be receiving a punch in the face when I found him. Whatever dumb prank he and his friends were playing it wasn’t funny, and I considered simply returning home, mom and dad were probably doubly worried by now. But that’s when I saw it. By a collection of the mysterious sacks, amidst the junk that littered the floor. A phone. His phone. I could no longer subdue the panic that had been slowly boring into me and I dashed forwards to grab it. He would never go anywhere without his phone, much less leave it lying in a pile of trash. It wouldn’t turn on, something must’ve gone wrong. I couldn’t quell the barrage of possible accidents that could’ve occurred, I wanted to run. But my brother had to be here somewhere. I look to the far end of the makeshift cavern. A dead end. But I did glimpse something on a one of the sacks, I lent in close and there was no mistaking the smell. Rotting meat. But there was something else, something about the shape. It was almost cocoon like. Then it hit me. No. It couldn’t be. There’s no way. There can’t be…a person in there. My heard began to race and I could feel the adrenaline surging through me. I looked where the head would be, to try and see if there was any opening, any sign of life. I turned it over to find no such opening. Instead, a crudely painted on smiley face where the person inside’s face would be. That had done it, the joke was over, I waited for my brother to jump out at me, or a friend of his to grab me from behind.

And that’s when I noticed the breathing.

It was faint, mostly drowned out by the raging storm outside. But it was there, and it was close. Who was there? Had they followed me in? My heart began to pound and I whipped around to face my pursuer. Yet I could only see the entrance to the cavern. So I went to point the slight light my phone provided at the roof.

And then that thing dropped down before me.

With a soft thud it landed, uncoiling before me. I could do nought but stare, transfixed. Its figure was humanoid, but its proportions…It was at least twice the height of any man. Yet so skinny, frail even. My shuddering hands cast light upon its enormous hands, with long bony fingers that stretched as it stood, examining me just as I was examining it. Its ribcage could be seen clearly and it had little to no waist. And the whole thing appeared covered by a layer of that same grey fabric, stitched together haphazardly. I hadn’t time to look at its face before it lunged at me. Wrapping its tendril like fingers around me and lifting me to its head. It had no visible face, just yet another crudely painted black visage upon the tightly hugging fabric. Cold, raspy, breaths forced their way out of where its mouth would have been, dust and that same rotting stench clinging to it as they drifted out. I wanted to scream, but couldn’t, for fear of angering the dreaded thing. I no longer cared what happened to my brother; most likely that monster ate him.

And it was going to do the same to me.

It continued gazing at me, the cold black smile burning itself into my retinas. I was Terrified. But not enough to simply do nothing. And so, gathering all my will, I kicked the beast in the chest and it dropped me instantly, unleashing a pained shriek as it did. My phone dropped as I hit the floor. But at this point I didn’t care. I had just one thought. RUN. So I did, I darted Straight back out of the cavern completely blind. I could feel the tickle of fingertips on my neck as it tried to grab me again. I hurtled onwards. Half running half stumbling my way through the blackness. Deafened by the continual howling of the creature. I ran through what I thought were piles of rubbish. Things whipping against my face as I ran in desperation. The shrieking, and the sound of footsteps growing ever louder. The mental image of the deformed thing bounding towards me drove me onward, And as I turned back I could see it, not sprinting but scuttling down the hallway, Clinging onto any available surface and launching itself screaming after me, its spider like arms reaching out for me, barely missing, even just brushing my face. But the sound of the storm also grew louder as I neared the exit. I was almost free, I could feel the cold winds blowing in from the entrance, which shined light through With every crack of lightning. And then I was out. But I was just as blind as I was in the dwelling, droplets of rain relentlessly assaulting my eyes.

But the screaming had stopped. Not that I had much time to notice as I continued legging it straight to the fence. I could see my bike, I’d made it. I dove through the small hole in the fence, snagging my jacket on it for a second I thought it was the beast so I thrashed and struggled until I was free. I dragged myself across the wet grass to my bike, and before I could even breath let alone think upon my experience I was off. My mind racing, with one thought over and over. Don’t look back.

But I looked back. And the old tent looked exactly the same as it did when I arrived, aside from one key difference, a silhouette pressed up against the fence. And as the lighting flashed again I could clearly see it. A thin, spindly figure and That black, ever smiling face, watching me, waiting, and still hungry.

The End (For now? maybe? possibly? if I can be bothered?)

#short story #horror story #scary #horror #creepy #creative writing #writing #story #spooky

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jeremichal-archive · 7 years

Text

human error

I’ve been working on this fic for months and I’m so glad it’s finally done. I honestly really enjoyed writing this one, and I love these boys to pieces. So anyway, hope you enjoy & let me know what you think!

Pairing: Raychael Warnings: Swearing, Alcohol Mention, Minor Injuries & Guns

They haven’t spoken in six months: there’s been no brief, catch-up phone call full of awkward silences to set the clock back to zero; there’s been no quick text message of a joke shared in the heat of the moment, no followed up embarrassed message because they’d accidentally forgotten about the self-inflicted silence.

There’s been nothing to even suggest that Michael and Ray are even still best friends, or allies, or acquaintances.

It’s in the evenings, though, when things get… difficult. When Michael’s had one too many beers and he lacks that crippling fear that follows him when he’s sober; the one that demands he doesn’t contact Ray. His phone seems to taunt him on those nights, reminding him that his best friend is literally right there within his reach- that he could pick up the damn phone and call him, right now. And he’s come close, hand hovering over “BrownNERD” in his contacts list so many times that he’s lost count. He could call him, he could make the first move- but then he thinks about the last time they talked to each other- and Michael’s phone ends up tossed in his nightstand drawer, hidden away and ignored.

It’s like a song on repeat, one that Michael’s forced to constantly relive; so it’s not really a surprise when he finds himself in the same situation yet again. His phone is in his hand- a beer bottle in the other- so close to just taking that final leap. He’s pretty sure he’s drunk, there's a buzz in the back of his head and his fingers can’t stop twitching. So honestly, it’s a setup for failure, because if there’s one thing Michael knows about Ray, it’s that his best friend can’t stand it when he’s drunk.

(He finds it pathetic that he still calls Ray his best friend, since he can probably guess- for good reason, too- that he no longer holds that title from Ray.)

Back when they talked, back when Ray used to spend the night at Michael’s apartment without hesitation. There was a time- that Michael can only distantly remember- when Ray would crawl between his bed sheets and tuck his smaller body up against his. At first, he’d been hesitant, unsure of Ray’s motives- unsure of his own motives. But like everything else they did, a sense of familiarity quickly settled between them and it became second nature for Michael to wrap his arms around Ray’s waist and pull him tight against him. They’d lay like that, pressed together in a way that was usually reserved for lovers, yet seemed oddly perfect for them.

(Were they lovers? Did they pass some unseen point in time where they could confidently describe one another as their other half?)

“I hated him,” he would whisper, and Michael would freeze, hesitant to even breathe lest it results in Ray falling silent, “I hated him so much. He used to always smell like liquor; used to joke that his blood was ninety percent alcohol too. It was all a joke to him, didn’t give a fuck about what I thought. What I felt.”

If he thinks about it- if he lets himself fall back to that night- Michael’s pretty sure he can still remember his reply.

“I give a fuck about what you think.”

Even now, well into the point where he’s sure there’s no way to fix this, Michael know’s he still means it. God, he’s such a fucking idiot.

Six months will quickly turn into eight months if you don’t pay attention and so Michael tries to convince himself that if Ray wanted to talk to him, he’d message him. It’s a one-way ticket to regret, but Michael’s never been one to back down from a challenge.

He doesn’t call.

They have a timeline. It goes like this.

Michael is currently 29 years old. Ray is 27.

They met for the first time at 16 and 14, respectfully. They don’t become friends; rather Ray steals his backpack and Michael chases him three blocks, finally cornering the small kid in an alley beside a laundromat and a 7/11. He gives the kid a broken nose, a dislocated shoulder and leaves him there curled up in the dirt.

They meet again, for the second time, in a Taco Bell car park at 4 am. 20 and 18; neither of them quite able to forget the other since their first meeting. They don’t become friends; rather Ray breaks Michael’s arm and leave him bleeding out behind a shitty 2002 Toyota Camry- a bullet wound in his upper thigh. Even now though, Michael still doesn’t know if Ray missed his femoral artery on purpose, or by complete accident.

They meet again, for the third time; 23 and 21. They become friends, but how, Michael doesn’t even know himself.

He's standing on the sidewalk, watching his apartment building burn; He’s watching twenty-three years of junk, and memorabilia and possessions burn and yet he doesn’t care.

The fire department is doing their best to save the building, but whatever caused the fire originated from his apartment- so he knows it’s all gone. His guess, a grenade or two tossed through his window by the fire escape; but he’s not going upstairs to fucking play detective.

“I’m guessing this is where you used to live?”

The voice comes from behind him, but Michael doesn’t need to turn around to know who it belongs to. Funny enough, despite only meeting twice, Ray has been cemented into his memory whether he likes it or not. He’s seventy percent sure Ray also shares the same problem.

He can’t ignore the other forever though- not even sure he wants to- so in the end he does end up turning around, catching the sight of Ray’s blinding grin. Part of him wonders if this was Ray’s doing, but then he remembers bleeding out in a Taco Bell car park at 4am and he realises Ray already got his revenge.

They stare at each other for a few moments, both trying to silently decide if the other is worth their time when Ray sighs.

“You can stay at my place.”

So yeah, they become friends; but how, Michael doesn’t even know himself. Instead, he just thanks his lucky stars and thanks anyone who’s listening that he didn't become Ray’s nemesis in that moment instead.

He feels numb- from head to toe- the kind that starts slowly until it's all you can feel.

Maybe he’s dissociating, maybe he’s having a panic attack; all Michael knows is that he’s frozen on the spot- watching them. There was a point, where he’d thought they’d saw him- a brief moment of eye contact that had forced his heart to stop beating- but nothing but boredom flickered over Ray’s face so he chalked it up to paranoia.

He can see them through the front window of Ponsonby's- a clothing store well known for both its high-priced fashion and it’s bulletproof windows- and by God, it’s so hard not to just go to him. To walk up to Ray and say hello, or to hug him, or to get his shit kicked in by Geoff- who is to his left, flicking through the new imported suit jackets.

He knows he’d be unwelcomed, he knows that Ray would blanch at the sight of him; but it would almost be worth the black eye he’d receive to just hear Ray’s voice again.

His feet move without his permission, fast-paced steps that propel him to the clothing store. He makes it to the front door before he’s seen, before Ray’s eyes dart to catch the movement in the corner of his eye, before his gaze falls on Michael. Arm extended to push open the door, he watches his best friend’s face flash with a quick array of emotions. Once upon a time, he could read them all, could pick out Ray’s emotions with a quick glance and a low “What’s up?” Once upon a time, they were inseparable, but time is a bitch and things change relatively quickly in Los Santos.

After a moment, Ray shakes his head- a small movement that’s barely noticeable- and Michael swallows deeply. Geoff’s still not looking at him, Ray’s within reach and Michael’s not sure he can do this again.

It's a decision, it’s a choice: leave now and forget about him, or stay and don’t.

He pushes open the door, listening to the small bell jingle above him- but his eyes never stray from Ray’s face. Michael doesn’t understand how Ray can look so small standing beside Geoff. Like all of the fight has drained out of his body; it just looks wrong and Michael hates it. The man standing before him, it’s not his Ray, and it’s infuriating. So when he catches the slight flicker of fear in Ray’s eyes- his hands curl up into fists by his sides.

Because he’s the cause of this. This is his fault.

Geoff spins on his heel, reading the panic in Ray’s body language. His hand automatically moving to the gun tucked into the back of his pants by pure instinct- but when he sees Michael though, he pulls it out completely. It’s loaded, aimed and seconds away from being fired when Ray speaks.

“Oh, Michael. You weren’t the one who had to leave.”

To understand something, you must have the full story, that’s just how it goes.

He and Ray haven’t spoken in eight months; yeah, that’s true. But- that’s not all there is- there's a fact that’s been left out by purposeful omission. Michael hasn’t spoken to anyone in the fake ah crew in eight months, not just Ray.

And if there's one thing he knows, you can’t just leave the crew without consequence.

☾ ☽

They have a timeline. It goes like this.

At age 27, on March 16th, Michael takes a job for a man named Geoff Ramsey. He does what’s expected of him, doesn’t ask questions and goes back to his apartment to find Ray waiting for him. It’s fine, they’re fine.

At age 27, on June 3rd, Michael takes another job from Geoff Ramsey- his seventh? Eighth? He hasn’t kept count- but this time Ray joins him. They do what’s expected of them, they don’t ask questions; but while Ray’s waiting for him in his Adder, Geoff asks him a question. “Are you and that Brownman kid fucking? No sweat off my back if you are, just curious.” The question sticks with him so much, that Michael can’t sleep that night.

At age 28, on November 5th, Ray jumps off a roof after being chased by the lspd and breaks his ankle. He calls Michael- Michael who is halfway through a Mario Party game with Gavin and his girlfriends’ Lindsay and Meg; Michael who is slightly drunk and not at all in the right state to be driving- who rushes to meet him, catching his friend curled up in a dumpster with wet tear tracks drying on his face and an ankle that’s turning purple.

At age 28, on December 25th, Michael has six presents hidden in his bedroom closet, all for Ray. A new bong, two tickets to a Blink 182 concert, keys to a new motorcycle, a new pair of shoes, a snickers bar and grey beanie.

At age 28, on December 26th, Michael gets four presents from Ray. An engraved pocket knife, blue hair dye, a pair of socks and keys to a Volatus helicopter.

At age 28, on January 1st, Michael kisses Gavin when the countdown hits zero and everyone laughs. Everyone except Ray.

At age 28, on January 3rd, Michael corners Ray at the penthouse and asks him- no- demands- to know why he’s ignoring him. Ray tells him that he's not but then proceeds to bolt from the penthouse, leaving Michael doubting the truth of his words.

At age 28, on January 7th, Michael realises he’s an idiot.

Michael’s learnt Ray- a side effect of spending so much time together- so Michael knows, clear as day, that Ray is angry with him.

He just doesn't know why.

Watching Ray now- spine riged and shoulders tense- cursing at the coffee machine, it's obviously a situation he’s not going to be able to get out of with just a quick apology. He sighs lowly and moves quickly, leaning against the counter- staring at Ray’s back.

“What did I do?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

Ray sighs, something so defeated and spins to face Michael. Eye contact makes it worse, makes a low level of guilt settle in his stomach because of the hurt- pure, unhideable hurt- on Ray’s face cuts at him. He doesn’t know if Ray understands that Michael can read his so well, he doesn’t know if Ray thinks he’s still hiding his emotions, but he’s not.

He opens his mouth to say something, whether it’s too apologise or just to ask again what he's done to cause this, when Gavin’s bedroom door swings open.

The golden boy doesn't notice the thick smog of tension suffocating them, either out of obliviousness or ignorance, so he doesn't linger. But Michael’s fast- quick-witted and observant- so he can't help but notice the way Ray’s eyes harden when he catches sight of Gavin; the way his mouth falls open ever so slightly.

A tell, pointing directly at the source of his upset.

Oh.

Ray seems to realise that Michael understands in that moment too, eye contact breaking and fingernails digging into the skin of his palms. Michael wants to stop him, lest he draw blood and end up hurting himself, but he doesn’t dare touch Ray.

“Can we not- can we just not do this, Michael?” He whispers brokenly and Michael- the man known for his bravery- runs.

He nods slowly, takes a few steps back and then rushes to the front door- doing his best to avoid looking at the destroyed expression he knows is on Ray’s face.

So yeah, it takes haphazard love admission for Michael to run. He leaves and he doesn't come back, because love in this business is a death sentence and Michael’s not sure he could do that. Get attached, halve his soul and give part of it to Ray, only to watch it get destroyed when the inevitable happens- when Ray leaves… Or... when Ray dies.

Days turn into weeks, weeks turn to months; phone calls go unanswered and messages get ignored. The silence cuts at him, just enough for him to realise what he’s done- what he's invertedly lost.

He doesn't go back, because it's been to long and he’s missed his chance with Ray- messed up the life he had and could have had. He can't go back- because you don't just leave the crew by choice. He can't go back- because you don't just break your best friend’s- lovers- crushes- heart and then get to come back and ask for a second chance.

He's out. He stays out. He’s weak. He comes back.

Geoff lowers the gun pointed at him even so slightly, but it’s very obviously still aimed at his chest and Michael knows the threat is still there- unspoken. He knows that Geoff won't hesitate to shoot him if he presents himself as a risk, if he tried to start something inside the small clothing store. If he even so happens to look at either of them wrong, Geoff will shoot, no hesitation- even if they were practically family before he left.

Michael knows he’s not a risk- at least, not to his family, to his crew- but Ray has taken a step back from him and Michael can see that he’s a second away from running. Ray’s afraid of him, and he’d be stupid not to know why. The last time they saw each other, the last time they talked to each other, Ray let slip his feelings and Michael crushed them under his feet on his way out of the penthouse.

The words stuck to the tip of his tongue would be easier to say if Geoff weren’t standing in the room with them. He hadn’t thought this far ahead when he pushed open the glass doors, he hadn’t thought at all really- an action based on a whim that he can’t back out of now. So he doesn’t- instead he stands a little taller, puffs out his chest slightly to give the illusion of confidence and glances at Geoff out of the corner of his eye.

The older man’s a mind reader- Michael’s absolutely sure - because he jerks the gun back up and shakes it at him. “Nah, no way buddy. You’re an idiot if you think I’m leaving you alone with him for even a half a second,” Geoff says. He plants his feet firmly in a stance that tells Michael there’ll be no arguing with him and Michael sighs, looking back at Ray.

He feels like he’s seven again, trying to apologise to his foster-mother for very deliberately starting a fire in the backyard. He feels like he’s ten again, trying to apologise to his teacher for calling her a ‘stupid bitch’ for giving him homework on a Friday. He feels like he’s twenty again, trying to apologise to a Puerto Rican kid in a Taco Bell carpark because he just can’t seem to stop. He can’t seem to just stop provoking those types of situations, the one’s where he knows he’s in the wrong, but his words of apology never come.

Ray takes pity on him, or maybe he’s just trying to end the conversation faster, because he ducks his head slightly and mumbles, “Don’t worry ‘bout it, Michael- I get it.” It’s an out, he’s offering Micael an out- but he can’t help but grit his teeth at such a submissive action. That’s not Ray, that’s nothing like Ray; to give up without a fight, to let Michael get away without retribution for his actions- it’s almost as if he’s talking to a completely different person.

“What?” he spits, something a bit too aggressive for Geoff, who furrows his brow and gives Michael a dark look. So he tries again, removing all trace of harshness from his tone. “What? What is that supposed to mean?” He’s not finished, he shouldn’t be finished; he should tell Ray that this is all on him, that he’s the one to blame for this whole shit storm. He should apologise, he should just do anything really, other than just stand there and stare at his best friend.

But he doesn’t, because Michael doesn’t know how to apologise.

Ray just shrugs, hunching in on himself but he still holds eye contact. “Come on man, don’t- don’t play stupid, yeah? I fucked things up, brought feelings into this- into us - and so I get why you left. Don’t- don’t make me, fuck, please don’t...”

Michael’s stomach drops, and the breath he sucks in sounds harsh even to himself.

Ray’s taking the blame, he’s taking Michael’s fault and putting it on his own shoulders; Michael has the small thought that maybe that’s why he stopped calling, why he stopped messaging- not because he blamed Michael for just leaving, but because he thought Michael blamed him for making them complicated. He opens his mouth- to apologise, to beg for forgiveness, to just get Ray back - but all that comes out is dead air and Ray sinks in on himself, curling up on himself and ducking his head.

“Alright, fuck off Michael- you useless prick. You had your chance, now get out of my sight,” Geoff spits and Michael jerks back, finding himself agreeing with Geoff’s cutthroat words.

He looks down at the floor, mind quickly filling with self-loathing as he realises that he’s doing it again; he’s seven and he’s getting sent back to the group home again because he’s too difficult to look after. He’s ten again, getting a week's suspension for the fifth time already that year. He’s twenty again, bleeding out with a bullet wound because he just doesn’t know when to stop. He doesn’t know when to stop.

He doesn’t know when to stop.

He sucks in a small breath and lets it out through clenched teeth, glancing back up at Ray one last time before he has to leave. His best friend isn’t looking at him, eyes deliberately turned away and Michael hates it.

“This isn’t your fault, Ray.”

The words just slip out without a second thought, and Michael catches sight of Ray’s head snapping up so he can meet his eyes. But Michael’s already pushing his way out of the clothing store, heartbeat pounding in his chest because it might not have been an apology, it might not have been what Ray needed.

But it was a start.

It’s two days later when his phone buzzes from its place on his night stand, that he realises just how much he missed this. Just how much he missed Ray- missed talking to him, missed being with him, missed knowing him. It's a simple text, nothing more than a basic ‘hey’ - but it means the world to Michael. He just sits there for a while, reading and re-reading the one-word text again and again, trying to convince himself that it’s real. They’ve got to talk, that’s why Ray is texting him of course, but Michael just needs a moment first- before things get heavy. He sucks in a breath and shoots back a quick, ‘hey’ in return.

He needs things to go back to how they were- no, he needs things to get better. He doesn’t want Ray to hide from him, he doesn’t want to run from the people he cares about- he wants. He just wants.

From brownNERD

‘Uh, I’ve missed you,’

Michael doesn’t know how Ray can just throw himself out there so easily, as if he still trusts Michael. God knows he couldn’t do that, but Ray’s always been just a bit better than him at everything, so it shouldn’t really surprise him that much. He swallows down his own unease and quickly types out his reply, fingers shaking.

To brownNERD

‘I’ve missed you too.’

Don’t leave the conversation dead, Michael tries to tell himself, don’t force this onto Ray; don’t make him have to keep this alive - but he can’t and he grits his teeth. He can’t keep it going, because everything he want’s to say is too much. He wants to apologise, he wants to tell Ray just how much he misses them falling asleep together, he wants to tell Ray just how much he loves him and how much that scares him- but the words stick to his tongue and he can’t.

He’s stuck in his own emotional incompetence and it’s aggravating.

From brownNERD

‘So, ah, what did you mean?’

‘Like, when you said it wasn’t my fault?’

‘Of course it’s my fault, Michael,'

‘You don’t have to lie to me,

He’s dialing Ray’s phone number before he even realises it, and when the line clicks over and he knows Ray’s listening, time just seems to stop. Because he can hear Ray breathing through the phone, can picture him so clearly sitting in his apartment, in the penthouse, waiting for Michael to talk- and it’s definitely Michael who has to speak first, he called, he talks.

“It’s not your fault,” he whispers and Ray’s breath hitches audibly. “It’s not your fault. It's mine? Cause I’m an idiot? You know that right?” He poses it like a question, but he’s not waiting for an answer. Ray tries though, a small, “Michael-” slips past his lips but he effectively cuts him off. He’s gotta get it out, he can’t just keep giving up- he has to stop.

“I am, it’s not a question. I-I’m an idiot and I’m so s-sor- fuck. Look, I left- I ran, because I can’t- I can’t, shit. But you need to understand, that this isn’t on you, it’s on me,” he says, words tumbling out in a rush and Michael’s not even sure if Ray can understand him. His heart is pounding, because this is it? This is all he can muster for an apology? He grits his teeth, wishing he could do better; wishing he could be better. Be something that Ray deserves, be someone that Ray deserves- instead of what he is now, an emotionally constipated criminal that can’t tell his best friend he loves him.

“Michael, Michael stop- you can’t, you can’t take all the blame, yeah? I fell for, uh, I complicated things, and you don’t do complicated, so I should have known better,” Ray replies, just as rushed and just as panicked as Michael. He’d laugh, in any other moment, at how ridiculous they sound- trying to convince the other that they’re not to blame- but right now Michael can’t do anything but squeeze his eyes shut and argue back.

“No, I can- I can, I swear. I can do complicated, we were doing complicated, right? I wasn’t imagining it? We were doing complicated long before we even realised it ourselves. It just, scared me? To realise, so explicitly, what we were becoming. It scared me and I ran, leaving you alone- but I won't do it again. Fuck, never again,” he swears, and Ray’s quiet on the other side of the phone. He doesn’t answer, and Michael’s stomach drops. He can’t stand the silence, so he tries again, words a lot more hesitant this time.

“Ah… I just, I fucked up. I made you think, for eight months, that this was all on you- all because I was too afraid to call you. So yeah… this is my fault, I should just- I should just go.” He lets his words sit for a second, waiting for something from Ray; whether it’s angry yelling or a cold dismissal, he just wants any sort of reaction. But Ray stays quiet and Michael sighs, pulling his phone away from his ear and hanging up the call.

Now that Ray knows, now that Ray realises that it’s Michael’s fault- he doesn’t want to deal with him, not that Michael blames him. It’s just a bit to hard to stomach the idea, to know for sure that nothing is salvageable between the two of them and so Michael turns off his phone, discarding it into the top drawer of his bedside table. He rolls over, tugging the sheets over his head and presses his face into his pillow, trying to block out the world.

He still hasn’t apologised.

Something rouses Michael awake at 4:49am, and he just lays there, staring at the ceiling above him. He’s going to be useless today, he can just see it- the heavy fog of depression settling over him so early in the morning. There’s a small amount of light filling the room, and he blinks his eyes a few times to adjust to the change, but he doesn’t have the energy to climb out of bed and fix the curtains. He wants to go back, back in time to when they were simpler, back to when Michael could pull Ray into his arms without questioning if they were something.

He sucks in a shaky breath and deliberately ignores the sound of footsteps shuffling around his apartment. He’s got nothing worth stealing here, everything he owns is at the penthouse- which he hasn’t been to in eight months- and if they’re there to kill him, then he’ll get a few good hits before he goes down. He rolls over onto his side the same moment his bedroom door opens, and squeezes his eyes shut. He waits for the press of a knife or the click of a gun, but all he gets in return are fingers touching gently against his face and the sight of Ray when he opens his eyes.

Part of him wonders if maybe he’s just hallucinating since Ray shouldn’t be there in front of him, Ray shouldn’t want anything to do with him- but he’s there, he’s real and Michael’s heart starts pounding in his chest. Ray moves slowly, hands pressing against Michael’s shoulders to push him backwards until there’s enough room for him to slide in underneath the bedsheets and press his body up against Michael’s. It’s an instant reaction, the second Ray relaxes against him, that Michael’s arms encircle him and pull him tight against his chest.

And then he realises what he’s done.

He’s about to let go, about to apologise for touching him like they used to, but Ray presses his face into the hollow of Michael’s neck and his grip involuntarily tightens. They lie there for a while, neither of them daring to utter a single word and Michael relishes the feeling of having Ray in his arms. He tried to commit the feeling to memory, so that if he never gets the opportunity to have this again, at least he has something.

He feels Ray shift against him, pulling back ever so slightly so that they’re face to face and Michael glances down at him, hands resting in the hollow of his spine.

“You scared the shit out of me, Michael,” he mumbles and Michael opens his mouth to try and apologise, again and again till Ray knows how much he means it- till the words don’t seem real anymore. But Ray reaches up between them and presses a finger to his lips, effectively quieting him and Michael’s not sure if he’d be able to anyway. But it’s not his turn to talk, so he’ll keep his mouth shut and just listen, he can do that, he can do that for Ray. “You left, and I thought I’d never get to see you again. I told myself that I could handle a bit of rejection, that I would bounce back and we’d move on- and it would be fine. But then you didn’t come back, week after week you were gone and I thought, fuck I’ve ruined us.”

“I was afraid,” he whispers back, and Ray meets his gaze. “I was afraid that I’d missed my chance with you, I was afraid to come back and find that you’d moved on and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, cause it would be my own fault.”

Ray shakes his head, a slow deliberate movement and mutters, “You broke my nose, remember? I was fourteen and trying to steal shit so I could pawn it for money, so my dad could pay some bills. You broke my nose and yet I still fucking fell in lo-” he cuts himself off and Michael feels the way Ray tenses in his arms. Love. He was going to say love. “I still fucking… didn’t leave...” he finishes lamely, and Michael can’t help but squeeze his eyes shut.

He remembers that day, watching the fear flicker over Ray’s face before he desperately tried to hide it behind false bravado. He remembers being so angry that someone was trying to take something of his, when he barely had anything to begin with. He remembers the pop sound that echoed throughout the alley after he dislocated Ray’s shoulder and the pained scream that followed after.

“Yeah, I remember,” he mumbles, because how could he forget.

“And then I shot you.”

That one's a bit harder, mind fuzzy from the blood loss. He knows they argued, he know’s they tossed insults at each other like they were playing a game of tennis. And he knows that he went too far, cause that’s what he always does.

“Yeah.”

“My dad told me, before he died, that if you ever wanted to kill someone quickly, shoot for their femoral artery. He showed me where to hit.” He pushes himself up onto his elbows, catching Michael’s eyes with a serious look and says, “I knew how to kill you, I could have killed you, but I looked at you and I thought, four years. It had been four years since I last saw you, and I wanted to see you again in four years time. And four years after that. I wanted to know why you fought for a shitty backpack so damn hard, I wanted to know why you were at a Taco Bell carpark at 4am, I wanted to know why you didn’t flinch when I pulled my gun on you. And I couldn’t do that if I killed you.”

Michael stares back at him, letting Ray’s words sink in for a moment. “You kept me alive… because my stubborn ass refused to let you think that you intimidated me?”

Ray laughs, shaking his head slowly before lowering himself back down again. “When you put it like that, it sounds stupid- but yeah. That’s exactly why.”

Michael huffs, but on the inside he’s happy that Ray deliberately chose to keep him alive. He’s glad that it wasn’t just a fluke, a lucky miss. “Nah- it’s perfect,” he says, “it suits us.” And the smile Ray offers him in return makes his heart stop beating momentarily. Something must show on his face, something a bit more tender- something that resembles just how much Michael loves him- because in the next moment Ray is tugging his face down until their lips meet and then Michael sees stars.

He doesn’t waste a second, hands gripping Ray’s waist so tight he’s afraid he might leave bruises. He pulls him in close, until they’re chest to chest and he can feel Ray’s heart pounding beneath him- and he kisses the boy back for all he’s worth. It’s like being kissed by lightning, and Michael can’t help but enjoy the burn. It’s everything he wanted it to be, it’s everything he imagined it to be and he doesn’t want to stop. He doesn’t want to stop.

Ray pulls back with a gasp, and when Michael tries to dip in for another kiss, he laughs, tilting his head away slightly. “C’mon man, need to breathe,” he mutters and without a word, Michael just shifts his attention to Ray’s jawline- peppering little kisses across it’s length. He has Ray right where he wants him, and he’d be damned if he’s going to let him go just yet. Ray, for the most part, seems content to be littered with little kisses and he lets out a soft sigh. “You’ll come back to the p-penthouse with me, yeah?” he asks, “G-Geoff will get over himself, he can’t stay mad forever- and I know everyone else misses you. Come back, yeah?”

Michael pauses his onslaught, pulling back just enough to catch Ray’s gaze with a sigh. “I left,” he says and Ray nods.

“Yeah, you did. But that doesn’t mean you can’t come back.”

“Geoff almost tried to kill me the last time he saw me,” he argues and Ray snorts, shaking his head.

“He was just being pissy cause he thought you broke my heart- you know good old daddy Geoff.” Michael watches Ray’s hands drift upwards, until the come to rest on his chest, fingers rubbing small circles into his skin. “We’ll go back, I’ll tell Geoff that were-” he pauses and Michael’s not going to let him out of this one so easy.

“That were dating. That I love you.”

Ray’s breath hitches the same moment Michael’s anxiety spikes, but he ignores it, because this has been a long time coming. It takes Ray a few moments to respond, but when he does it's with a wide grin. “Yeah. I’ll tell Geoff that were dating and that you love me. But I’ll also make sure to tell him that I love y-you too- because I do. I love you, Michael.”

Michael doesn’t answer, instead he just leans in quickly and captures Ray’s mouth in a kiss. He kisses Ray until he feels light headed, he kisses him until they have to pull away lest the pass out, he kisses Ray with everything he’s got, because he can . And when they do pull back, Ray’s lips are pink and puffy, and he looks completely ruined- and it’s everything Michael’s dreamed it to be.

But he still hasn’t apologised. And he needs to fix that.

He offers Ray a small, hesitant smile and rests their foreheads together, watching Ray closely as he whispers, “Hey- I need to, I have to say something, yeah? I can’t- I suck at this sort of thing. Never was able to, never could quite take responsibility for my actions growing up. But I need to-” he sucks in a breath- “I need to say I’m s-sorry, yeah? These last eight months, I put you through hell cause- cause I freaked out, but I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and I swear I’ll never do that to you again.”

Ray smiles back softly, hands moving to frame Michael’s face. “I’m sure the last eight months were just as bad for you, as they were for me, Michael,” he says, and Michael nods, albeit a bit awkwardly with Ray’s hands holding him. “But thank you. Yeah, I-I accept your apology. And just know, that if you do fuck up again, Geoff will be coming for you with a shotgun next time.”

Michael laughs, something loud and carefree- and it doesn’t take long before Ray joins in too, both of them giggling messes, wrapped around each other on Michael’s bed. It’s so much better than before, because now Michael can press kisses into the curve of Ray’s neck and he can run his hands underneath Ray’s shirt. It’s so much better than before, and Michael doesn’t know why he needed eight months to realise it.

#raychael #mine

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