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shurisneakers · 3 years

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harmless (vii)

Summary: Bucky volunteers to go stop a small time villain, but nothing can prepare him for what exactly he has to deal with. (Bucky x villain!reader, drabble series)

Warnings: cursing, existential crisis, frustrated bucky, dramatic reader, lil bit of angst, clint barton being a lil shit

Word count: 3.4k

A/N: hey shoutout to @ugherik for suggesting a spin on the “A PLATYPUS!??!“ [perry puts his hat on] “PERRY THE PLATYPUS!???” thing. i used it in here, it’s a really small part and probably missable but i tried!! also i like the next chapter better than this one, i just wanted to put this here so it doesn’t seem abrupt <3333

here’s

my ko-fi

if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Series Masterlist

Bucky can’t stop staring at the mirror.

He wishes it was for narcissistic purposes. He had enough reason for it to be. His age may be a hundred but he had the youthful exuberance of a very drained sixty year old.

But no, it wasn’t because of the steel cut jawline or thousand gigawatt smile.

After last week’s mini-spiral, he does what almost half the videos on TikTok warn him not to do.

He got a haircut.

Everyone’s reaction stopped him from following it up with an ear piercing, but he can’t confidently say he didn’t at least consider it once. Maybe a neck tattoo.

He pulls at a lock of hair. It’s not even longer than his finger.

What did he do-

“It’s just a haircut, man,” he says to no one in particular, almost like he’s trying to reassure himself.

He runs his hands through his hair. It takes lesser time than he was used to.

Steve had told him he looked good. But then again, Steve wore a fugly costume 90% of the time, what did he know?

Clint acknowledged it and didn’t outright call him ugly, which he supposed was a compliment. Wanda simply smiled at him.

“FRIDAY?” he reaches out.

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes?” comes the automated reply.

“How are you?” It took him some getting used to her, given that she was constantly listening to everything, and in general seemed to go against the universal idea of privacy.

But his therapist told him he needed to form friendships.

She didn’t mention it had to be human ones.

“As good as ever. Is there anything I can help you with?”

He wants to ask her what she thinks of his hair until he realises fashion advice from a faceless AI is a new low for him. Maybe ‘Do you think I should crawl into a pit and die?’ would be more appropriate.

“Never mind,” he dismisses instead. “Any messages for today?”

“A reminder to buy a harder bed because you can’t keep sleeping on the floor.” Ah, that was on Sam’s recommendation three months ago, but he wasn’t going to stop any time soon. “And a text from a contact named Nuisance saying to meet them at the attached location in thirty minutes.”

“Where is the location?”

“The local sports centre.”

“Isn’t that closed today?”

If he had to go out in public looking like this, maybe he could wear a cap and sunglasses and no one would recognise him. Unfortunately, as he was reminded several times before by anyone with an iota of common sense, it was a stupid disguise.

Beanie it was, then. Bare minimum.

“It is, yes.” Fewer citizens to worry about.

“Okay.” He hesitates in front of the mirror again, adjusting the hat on his head. “Thank you, FRIDAY.”

“You’re welcome, Sergeant.”

He stares at the little tuft of hair at the front that refused to stay down no matter how much he shoved it back.

“Come on, man,” he exhales in slight despair. “Whatever.”

____

The lock of the door leading to the pool is easy enough to pick. He can see how you got in without a hitch even though it was closed.

The deck around the pool was absolutely drenched in water. No one was using it, there was no reason for water to splash out unless it was deliberately kept like this.

He catches sight of you easily, being that you’re the only two people there. You were standing at the end of the hall, head ducked as you scrolled through your phone.

The door closes behind him with a soft thud.

You don’t look up from your mobile when you start talking, “What do you think 6 year olds like?”

Because James Barnes, carbon dated to 1917 and therefore certified young person, would definitely know the answer to this question.

“I don’t know. Lego?”

“Just how much money do you think a teacher makes-”

You stopped mid-sentence, finally lifting your head to catch his eye. He stares back at you, steps faltering when you don’t move.

"Who are you?" you squinted.

What

"It's me," Bucky says, tugging off the dumb beanie and using it to gesture vaguely towards himself. Fuck, he shouldn’t have worn it, it was ridiculous anyway-

"You sound like him..." You narrow your eyes. “You don't look like him.”

Great

He rolls his eyes before putting on a mock scowl. Can't have Bucky Barnes without a sense of eternal disgruntlement.

"Oh hey, that is you." You grin. "You got a haircut."

“I did.” He suddenly feels the awkwardness increase. His fingers fidget with the beanie.

“Nice.” You nod in acknowledgement.

He wants to hit himself at the words that just spill out before he could think about it. “You hate it.”

“I never said that,” you snort. “And since when does my opinion matter?”

“It doesn’t.” But now he wants to know what you think since he didn’t trust anyone else to tell him honestly.

“Must cut down on time in the shower, huh?”

It did.

He shrugs. He shoves the beanie into his back pocket.

“Was it a crisis haircut?” How did you kno- “Are you going to get bangs next time?”

“Shut up,” he says lamely, a dull burn in his cheeks.

“I know a place where you can get hair dye for cheap. Not technically FDA approved, but I think purple streaks are a good place to start-”

“What are we doing here?” he interrupts, sighing.

“Skinny dipping. Take off your shirt, Barnes.”

“Funny,” he says dryly, eyeing your shoes when you straighten up.

Ice skates.

“Fine, pants then.” You don’t make any effort to move from your end so he does, walking closer to you.

“What are those for?” He doesn’t hide the annoyance from his voice when he points at your feet.

“Oh, these?” You look down at them. “Yeah, I’m going to freeze the pool.”

That seems... mild compared to the shit show you wanted to do last time.

“For?” He halts where he is.

“’M gonna take my friends ice skating.”

“Is that all?” He wants to make a comment about the fact that you have friends but bites it back.

“Today is just a trial run. Tomorrow I’m gonna go freeze the East River.” There it is.

“The East River is not your personal ice skating rink.”

“Not yet it isn’t.” You lift up a middle finger.

It was too early for you to flip him off, even by your standards.

He raises an eyebrow.

Your face scrunches in confusion. You follow his gaze to your finger. “Oh yeah, no, that’s a freeze ring.”

Only then he notices a ring around the finger. From where he was standing he could make out the blue stone that adorned it.

“Joy.” He rolls up the sleeves of his black bomber jacket. “Let’s get this done with, then.”

“No no, wait.” You hold up your hand and he complies, having nothing to lose anyway. You pull out your phone and press a few buttons before shoving it back into your bag and tossing it aside.

The soft sounds of a piano start playing from a boombox near the corner of the room. A child starts singing following a series of knocks.

His eyebrows furrow. “What the fuck is this?”

“The Frozen soundtrack.” You beam at him. “I thought it was fitting.”

He doesn’t know what that is and at this point, he’s too afraid to ask. He can vaguely make out the lyrics being about a snowman but he isn’t too concerned.

He takes one step forward. You immediately point your fist at the ground in front of him, forcing him to jump back when a blast hits right in front of his shoes. Suddenly he gets why the floor is covered in water.

It sounds like a series of cracks as the water starts freezing over, a layer of ice now separating him and you.

"You ready?” The mischief was woven in your voice as the blasts continued throughout the deck, effectively turning the entire floor into ice.

Bucky takes a step tentatively forward. Not bad. He takes another. Okay.

The third one is when shit starts to hit the fan. His hands shoot out to hold onto his balance when his footing slips from beneath him.

His Nike sneakers aren’t used to snow. They’re used to well manicured lawns and pavement trips to Starbucks and marble floors of the compound. Not swimming pool decks covered in ice.

He can hear you singing in the distance and every time he looks up you’re a little further away, making sure every inch of space is frozen.

It takes him a while to get over the initial fear of breaking his skull and just move forward swiftly with short steps. A goddamn penguin is what he looked like.

“There you go, you’re getting it,” you chirp as you whiz past him. He reaches out to grab at you, only to miss by an inch. He staggers, arms flapping wildly to regain his stability.

He hears crackling beside him. He gets a second or two to watch ice crystals spread through the water before turning it completely solid. You step onto the now frozen pool, testing your weight with one leg before cautiously getting on.

A triumphant smile emerges on your face. “Awesome.”

He manages to press himself against the wall as a form of support.

There is no point to this whole thing. He knows this. It’s been well over 6 weeks and there is genuinely no point to this.

He realises it again when he moves from side to side, body erupting into a waddle.

Why is he doing this. He doesn’t get paid extra. He doesn’t get any kind of compensation. All he gets is more wisecracking geniuses, embarrassment and the mortifying ordeal of getting caught imitating a penguin.

The song changes to a woman singing about doing something for the first time, forcing him to pay attention to it. He hears something about ball room and balls and tunes right back out.

Bucky manages to find his way to the actual pool since that’s where you’re twirling around, opting to land on his mental arm in case things go wrong. He takes a sliding step forward, followed by another. Maybe he can do this.

“If a 200 pound super soldier can stand on this, I suppose it’s strong enough,” you muse, watching him slip and slide as he tries to invent makeshift ice skating.

Unfortunately, his method doesn’t have any brakes, so while he’s too busy trying to move forward, there’s no way to actually stop. He finds this out very soon when he almost launches himself off the edge of the pool.

Something yanks him backwards and back onto the ice.

“Honestly, this is utterly useless since you can’t really do anything but it’s the most fun I’ve had all week,” you admit when he goes sliding towards the middle, arms flailing.

“You had to pick fuckin’ ice of all things.” He thinks that maybe he’s getting a hang of this. He can definitely move faster than what he was doing like, 10 minutes ago. It’s not like you were going anywhere, anyway.

“I like to keep things spicy.”

He stays where he is to glare at you. You mouth the words to the song, watching his every move whenever it interested you.

Okay, change of plan; a temporary distraction till he figures out how to actually get the ring from you. He settles on skating towards the edge of the rink slowly, taking a step off, slipping almost immediately when his foot comes in contact with the deck.

“Where are you going?” you yell over the music initially but immediately break into song when it ends in a crescendo.

He takes a knee, lifting his metal arm up before driving it into the ground. It shatters magnificently, leaving small shards of ice at his disposal.

He picks up one of them, waiting for you to complete your dumb twirl. He takes aim, and-

“Ouch, what the fuck?” You stop your off key singing to rub your shoulder where the ice hit you.

He wordlessly picks up another piece to throw at you, hitting you squarely in the leg.

“Stop that!”

He may not be able to move as fast but he can definitely throw.

“Give me the ring,” he commands, stretching his arm behind his back before releasing another piece to hit your forearm.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” There’s nowhere you can skate to avoid his stupidly good marksmanship.

“You gotta do what you gotta do.” He shrugs, breaking another patch of ice to replenish his ammo. “Hand over the ring.”

“Over my dead body,” you shriek when a particularly big piece lands next to your feet. You knew he missed that shot on purpose.

“I feel like I’m finally acting my age,” he says casually, finding your darting about in order to avoid him more fun than he initially thought. “Can’t throw pebbles at meddling kids so this is the next best option. Thanks.”

“If you acted your age you’d be in a casket, Barnes,” you hissed, finding that skating in zig zags helped your cause, but not by much. “I’d be- you bitch- I’d be more than happy to help you get there.”

You raise your arm, ready to send another blast to freeze the water that was starting to melt around him, hopefully, keep him where he was if it froze around him.

He flinches. You notice immediately, hand dropping slightly when you realise what it looked like.

“I’m not gonna freeze you,” you say, softer than you intended. From what you knew, he had enough and more experience with that and you weren’t going to contribute to it.

He swallows thickly, giving himself a little shake of his head as if to jolt him out of his train of thought.

Another piece of ice hits you in the leg. You let out a string of curses at him.

“The more ice you make, the more I have to throw at you, Y/N.” He waits for you to regain your balance when you nearly take a stumble.

“Shut up, you’re so immature.”

“Remind me whose plan this was again?” No point waiting for you to regain your balance when you fall over only a few seconds later.

He gathers a few shards in his beanie, tucking it into his belt like a little makeshift rucksack just in case before venturing out on the main rink again.

It’s more difficult for you to stand without railings to guide you, giving him enough and more time to make his way towards you, staggering and skidding.

Both of you looked ridiculous.

“Stay away, fiend.”

“Ring first.” He holds his hand out in front of you. He even considered pulling you up if you just made things easier.

Next thing he knows he’s on his ass on the ice beside you.

“I hate you,” he groans, watching as you inch away from him on your knees.

He doesn’t really have any other options so he shoves aside the humiliation and gets on his knees, using his arms to drag him along the ice.

“For the love of Christ, none of us are winning here. Just give me the ring.”

The bitch from the soundtrack sings about letting it go but he won’t.

“Never,” you shout, sliding away from him as fast as possible.

You make use of the fact that the top layer of ice is starting to melt, using the ring to freeze it again. His knees and fingers get stuck as the water freezes over but he has super strength. It barely takes him a second to free himself.

“Great,” he huffs, just settling down on the ice, ignoring the sting of cold that was spreading through his limbs. Running after you wasn’t going to work; he needed a way to get the ring.

“You won last time, I’m not letting you win again.”

“Are we seriously keeping score?” He watches as you scramble towards the edge.

“No one likes a loser, Bucky.” You use the pool stair railings to pull yourself up.

“Explain why you have friends then.” He can’t help himself this time.

“Hardy har har.” You roll your eyes.

He doesn’t make an effort to move. Instead, when you take a step back into the rink, he raises his arm and pummels it into the ice, just to annoy you.

The ground damn near shakes, pushing you dangerously towards losing your balance again.

“Are you crazy?” Your arm shoots out in front of you to keep you from falling headfirst.

“No.” He does it again. This time there’s a crack in the ice. “I’m just very tired.”

“If the ice breaks we’re both gonna be underwater, you moron!”

“Fine by me.” He shrugs. “Freeze it again. I’ll just find different ways to ruin it for you.”

You glare at him. He raises his arm above his head again.

“Fine! Fine, stop.” You eye him as he lowers his arm.

He reaches for his stash of ice pieces from earlier, throwing one at your shoulder again.

“Boy, I swear if you don’t stop doing that-” you duck when another one comes at you. You had no idea he could be this annoying.

It suddenly hits him, like a lightbulb going off in his brain. He wipes his hands off on his jacket, getting on all fours before slowly managing to pick himself up again.

He looks at you, tilting his head slightly like he was studying you.

“What?” you ask suspiciously, eyeing as he starts inching closer towards you. “What are you thinking?”

It’s like watching a newborn deer stumble its way through the world, albeit more gracefully, until he starts picking up speed. The motherfucker was going to mow you down.

The skates are useful but not so much when an extremely determined bumbling oaf is barrelling towards you, his speed beginning to match yours even without equipment.

You don’t know why you’re running, you don’t know why he’s chasing after you but when you see the end of the pool you take a sharp left only to have him knock right into you, sending you both sprawling.

You land half on top of him, breaking your fall but it doesn’t stop the very loud groan that escapes your mouth. He’s already in the process of sitting up straight, giving you less time to analyse what just happened.

“What the fuck was that for?” you speak through gritted teeth. “Fuckin’ acting like the both of us have free healthcare.”

“You refused to give up.”

“So your plan was to tackle me like a quarterback?” You threw your hands up.

“One part of it.” He drags himself to the edge, away from you.

“There's more to your monkey brained plan?” He doesn’t look at you. The ice around the pool has more or less melted, letting him gain proper footing on the floor before he stands up.

“Oh, yeah.” He turns to you. “The other’s a trick I stole from Stark.”

Bucky holds up the ring. Your jaw slightly drops, eyes searching your finger for the now missing piece of tech.

“Suppose that’s two points for me?”

You’re impressed. You also want to stab him. So you do the next best thing.

“When I imagined you holding a ring in front of me, the circumstances were very different,” you comment.

“Bye, Y/N.” He spins on his heel, not even giving you a second’s worth of reaction. You found it amusing.

He heads towards the door, clothes all wet. He empties out melted ice water from his beanie before stuffing it into his pocket. Just when he’s about to leave, you remember something.

Do you mean it genuinely or just because it has an effect on him?

“Just for the record, Barnes, about your hair-” you call out, earning his attention from over his shoulder. “I think you look really good either way.”

The world may never know.

You swear you can see the corners of his lips quirk upwards before he turns around again.

He slips on a block of ice, cursing and clenching on to the door to keep him upright, quickly yanking it open and leaving before he has a chance to embarrass himself further.

Smooth.

Next part

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #mcu fic #bucky fic #bucky barnes fic #bucky fluff #bucky barnes fluff #bucky angst #bucky barnes angst #harmless fic #winter soldier x reader #Winter Soldier #bucky barnes #bucky

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raganandhersurveys · 3 years

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3/1/21~5000 question survey 1-100 {CXV}

I started this about 2 years ago and never finished so I’m going to restart and see how far I can get. I’d love to get it done before the end of the year but I am definitely not holding myself to that statement haha. Here we go pt. 2

(also shoutout to @lovemesomesurveys for doing this so i could get the questions from one source. Thanks girl! <3!!

1. Who are you?

~my name is ragan

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?

1. I am very outgoing and fun loving

2. I have a big heart but am not afraid to speak my mind

3. I hope I can one day pursue a career in fashion

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?

~hanging out with my friends, doing hw, eating, or talking to my bf haha

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).

~choir, drama appreciation, geology, american gov.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year?

~to begin to plan out “big girl things” in my life. i’ll be a freshman in college in the fall and i really wanna feel confident about my future(if that’s possible) so saving money, getting a real job, looking into new opportunities, etc. (if you have any advice, plz send my way haha:))

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?

~to feel a little secure in my job or career pathway, or at least have a plan

7. What stage of life are you in right now?

~the ending of my teenage years :(

8. Are you more child-like or childish?

~neither honestly

9. What is the last thing you said out loud?

~i was singing along to a song haha

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?

~8teen by khalid haha

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?

~nope

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?

~it’s honestly one big rollercoaster. i have my good days and bad days but i try to keep a positive mindset:)

13. Does time really heal all wounds?

~it doesn’t necessarily heal it but it does help it some

14. How do you handle a rainy day?

~usually stay inside or take a nap. if it rains for a long period of time i tend to get a headache so i usually take a nap haha

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?

~losing luggage for sure

16. How is your relationship with your parents?

~pretty good. my dad and i are super close. my mom and i have our moments but i love her

Will you miss them when they are gone?

~are you kidding?!?! i don’t know how i’ll recover from losing them tbh

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?

~for the most part yes; i’m pretty good at reading the room

18. What is the truest thing that you know?

~God.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up?

~gosh so many different things; teacher, pharmacist, reporter, author, family therapist, actress

20. Have you ever been given a second chance?

~yep

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?

~both tbh

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?

~definitely

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?

~i had to go to the hospital one time because my stomach was hurting so bad I thought i was gonna die. i don’t think anything except child birth could beat that

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?

~some things my mom has said to me

25. Who have you hugged today?

~honestly no one :(

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?

~i can’t think of anything but i’m sure there was something

27. Do you have a lot to learn?

~for sure. i don’t think we should ever stop

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?

~how to start my own clothing brand, how to make straight a’s, and to cook perfectly

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?

~how they make me feel fo sure

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?

~communication, loyalty, passion,

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?

~have a successful job, find the love of my life, and travel the world

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?

~having to get divorced, letting down my future children, and emotionally traumatizing someone

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?

~not a cause, but i’m a christain and that’s the truest thing in my life

34. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19..

20's: flapper dancers and the roaring 20s

30's: the great depression and poverty

40's: world war II and classic movies

50's: sock hops and diners

60's: iconic fashion and audrey hepburn

70's: my dad and classic rock

80's: the breakfast club and how much i wished i grew up then ahahah

90's: rnb and friends

2000 (so far): brittany spears and my early childhood

2010's: middle school and social media

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?

~the 80s because i’ve always felt like that was the decade for me. that’s when my mom grew up and i envy her so much for growing up then. but also the 2000s because that was my early childhood and its crazy to think i’ll never get those days back

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?

~stairway to heaven: led zeppelin

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?

~the usa and president biden

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?

~you good homie?

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?

~i rarely watch live tv

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?

~bahah probs ursula because if i knew ariel could sing like that, i’d steal her voice too

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?

~no

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?

~neither but a boat in the middle of the ocean during a storm would be terrifying

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?

~the sun?

43. What does your name mean?

~i just looked it up and apparently it means noble LMFAO

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?

~neither. both of those sound like a bad idea

45. Word association What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air: traffic

Meat: steak

Different: breed

Pink: drink

Deserve: freedom

White: elephant

Elvis: graceland

Magic: treehouse

Heart: pump

Clash: boom

Pulp: fiction

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?

~audrey hepburn 100%

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?

~jimmy garoppolo ;))

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?

~not everyday but i’m always down for a lotr/hobbit marathon

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?

~a phone with some kind of wifi box so i can gtfo lmao

50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?

~uhhhh not that i can think of

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...

Fruitgoogle: a website you can search up fruits with

Ambytime: free time

Asscactus: an annoying person

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?

~this little gift bag for my mom’s students

53. What was your favorite toy as a child?

~american girl dolls omfg

54. How many TV’s are in your house?

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?

~swimming or just being at the beach

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?

~awwwwww

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?

~i have dreamed about people and then met them which is a super weird experience

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?

~no

59. What is your idea of paradise?

~i think it would be a couple of different places or themes because i love to see the beauty in a lot of different ideas

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?

~absolutely. He’s just and loving

61. Do you believe in Hell?

~yes

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?

~i honestly cannot think of anything

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?

~i’ve done some volunteer stuff for other people so ig something like that

64. Are you a patient person?

~i try to be

65. What holiday should exist but doesn't?

~free shopping day where only i can shop for free :))))))

66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?

~i love all the holidays

67. What's the best joke you ever heard?

~apparently none because i can’t think of one

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?

~southpoint mall in charlotte. it was shopper’s heaven

69. Is your hair natural or dyed?

~all natural .

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?

~none that are interesting

71. What is under your bed right now?

~dust and stuff from my childhood

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?

~gtfo bahaha

73. If you drive do you frequently speed?

~always

74. What is the world's best song to dance to?

~depends on what kind of dancing. any 2000s club song is an absolute banger

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?

~some tik tok sound. just a gen z kid here :)

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?

~probs disney

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?

~otters or tigers

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?

~if i’m crazy about you, absolutely. .

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?

~ig lol

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?

~travel all over

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?

~i’m sorry that’s too stressful lol

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? ~equator. i hate the cold

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?

~tv. i can’t live w/o music

84. What do you think makes someone a hero?

~being selfless

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?

~powderpuff girls 100%

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:

~rats

87. What was the last thing you paid for?

~clothes from shein

88. Are you a coupon clipper?

~nah

89. Get anything good in the mail recently?

~not super recently

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?

~dancing

91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So... Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?

~no because the real person died, so it’s a clone but not the original

92. What insects are you afraid of?

~roaches and wasps

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?

~”she stressin’ over her wardrobe”

94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?

~i have these huuuuge tiger earrings that are freaking extra. i wore them with green corduroy flair pants and a brown stripped shirt and literally looked like the 70s threw up on me hahah

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?

~chick fil a

96. What are your parents interested in?

~my mom loves 70s tv shows and christmas lol and my dad likes classic rock and anything to do with christianity

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?

~we used to catch lightning bugs in a jar when i was little and put them in a jar.

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

~uhhh plans....lol

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?

~when i’m hanging out with friends or at a high energy place like an amusement park or concert

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?

~water, a flashlight, and something for protection like a gun

#survey #115 #5000 question survey

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phalloplastyaustralia · 5 years

Text

8.5 weeks post op

Check up today with Gooseman at 8.5 weeks post-op RFF phalloplasty. He was super impressed with how my arm is healing. Everything else is healing well for the most part, besides a few little things. The scar on the underside of my penis has been pretty tight, particularly towards the base. I’ve been aware of this for weeks and have been massaging it with vitamin e and using silicone gel on it, which he wants me to continue doing. He said that the scar around the actual base of my penis is tight as well, which I truly hadn’t given much thought to and assumed it was normal, but that’s because I only have my only experience to base it off, where as he has everyone elses to compare to. He said that the tightness is causing it all to ‘sit a bit high’, which I assume was in reference to my junk that still sits below my penis, including my existing penis. This means that when he pulls my penis up and towards my abdomen, it pulls a lot on my existing penis. This is uncomfortable, BUT it works in my favour when it comes to wanking - I can basically tug gently on my penis and it’s enough to achieve orgasm. At present I will usually alternate between this and stimulating my existing dick, but I do believe I could achieve orgasm by tugging only on my dick, but I’ve still been a bit too anxious to do this, purely due to not wanting to compromise any of the healing process/long-term aesthetic outcome.

My primary concern has been about narrowing at the base, which has consumed a lot of my time the last few weeks. It’s certainly not overly noticeable or significant, but when you’ve forked out as much as I have on a penis, you’ll nitpick the tiniest things. Goossen thinks that the tightening of the incision could be contributing to this, but did acknowledge that I am “less full” and “a bit flatter” at the base, but he’s not concerned about it. Classic. He said that once everything is sitting properly (with implants), as well as when erect, it won’t be an issue. He also mentioned something about the tightness at the base contributing to this? But I don’t remember the specifics.

He appeared very impressed with where my sensation is at. I had convinced myself that I read somewhere that left donor would result in more sensitivity on the right side, and vice versa. Then I was told that the hook up is done on the left and that I would likely experience more sensation on the left. I asked him about this today (whether the hook up was down on the left) and he didn’t confirm/deny this and explained how they try to hook as many nerves up, etc. and basically that there’s no rule of thumb for where you will or won’t experience certain sensations. He said that typically people will experience one side with more erotic than the other and more tactile on another side.

At present, I have extremely strong sensation on the right hand side, slightly less strong sensation down the left, about 1.5-2inches along the incision on the underside up from the base at a lesser intensity, and then fairly dull (by dull, I mean I need to apply significantly more pressure to feel the sensation and it’s not as intense) along the top of my penis until about half an inch of so from the tip, where I feel nothing. Along the right side, all I have to do is run my finger very lightly down the shaft to feel this. Along the left snd on the underside I have to apply slightly more pressure. On the top, I’ve experienced the sensation for a few weeks if I flick it, but within the last week I am starting to feel it more if I rub my finger rapidly on it with a little nit of pressure. This is all displaced sensation, which I feel in my existing penis. At present it’s not a pleasant, good, sexy time feeling, but will be once it settles. Currently it feels like someone is stabbing a pin into the head of my existing penis (which iis great if that’s your thing, but I find it unpleasant. However I always do it, as it’s nice being able to make that connection between my penis and my brain and feeling it as something that exists as a part of my body). At present, I have no tactile sensation. However due to the intensity of the sensation I do have, I am very aware if something hits my penis.

At this stage, I’m booked for February 6th 2020 for stage 2. I had the option of November 21st, but with how close it is to Christmas and the closure period for Goossen and his staff, I chose to push it back. If I were to experience and issues with the hookup, I would go home with an SPC over Christmas until he returns. And as ridiculous as it might sound to some, I really wanna be able to swim over the summer. This also gives me some additional time to recover from stage 1 and for any issues with the scar tightness to settle as much as possible. As well as get back in shape after my stage 1 sedentary life and subsequent weight gain, and save a bit of extra money. As much as I want stage 2 as soon as possible, I think that this is the most sensible thing to do for numerous reasons. I figure that I’ve waited this long, I’m sure I can wait an extra 2 months.

I’m back up to see him again at the end of September to check on everything again, and I presume I’ll head back up again early 2020 to check everything before we go ahead with stage 2.

I am also allowed to run now, provided that everything is “packed firmly” and “well supported”.

I have a little ‘bobble’ sorta thing at the end of one of the incisions on my butt, which has been rather tender and painful. Goossen said it could be a stitch or scar tissue, and if it doesn’t resolve itself by the time I have stage 2, he will revise it. Butt is still tender when seated for long periods and/or bad seating. Still some tightness in the backs of my legs, but nothing that is too bothersome.

My arm is hopefully on the homestretch. I’m still dressing it with MepitelOne, and will continue to do so until I’m fully healed and can switch to silicone sheets. The few little problem areas look like they have improved since Thursday when the dressings were last changed. Fingers crossed that when I go back to the hand therapist next week, I’ll either be healed enough to go dressing free, or very close to it. I try to touch it quite regularly over the top of the dressings (rubbing, patting, scratching, etc. to adjust to the sensation).

As a bit of a related sidebar, I kinda wanted to touch on the arm and the scarring, etc. The significance of the arm graft was something that I had a really hard time swallowing when I first looked at RFF a good decade or so ago. Despite being a weird body part to like, my forearms are probably the only part of my body I do like, and the thought of altering one of them so drastically always terrified me. Because most of the information about RFF has typically been out of the states, I had no idea that the donor site would be replaced with a full thickness from the butt until my consult (why the states haven’t caught up yet is beyond me, truly). Despite already having made the decision to have RFF, this was a game changer for me. And honestly, if I didn’t have tattoos that were compromised when the flap was lifted that make it very obvious that my arm has undergone a major surgical procedure, I don’t think the end result would bother me much at all. It sits SO FLUSH that once my wrist swelling goes down, it will be totally seamless. I know that the conspicuous scarring is a huge deterrent for a lot of people, and I very much understand that, but I think it’s important that people understand that what you see online from guys in the states is NOT what your arm will look like if you have surgery with Goossen. I’m not here to shame or make comments about peoples choices to pursue ALT, abdominal, meta or any other alternative procedure, but I think it’s important that people aren’t scared off by misinformation. This is not to say that guys who have had RFF in the states have lesser or subpar results as due to the use of the split thickness.

TLDR; healing well, few super minor relatively non-issue things that will hopefully sort themselves out, arm looks great, sensation is great, Dr Goossen is the love of my life, shoutout to the under appreciated but equally amazing and skilled Dr Ingram, life with a (bigger) penis is wild and worth every cent, stage 2 booked for Feb 6th 2020, don’t take everything you see on the internet as bible. Gravy.

#australia #phalloplasty #brisbane #dr goossen #ftm #lower surgery #forearm phalloplasty #dr hans goossen #bottom surgery #trans #phallo

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tjp5 · 4 years

Text

Day 1 January 15, 2020 – Written January 16, 2020

So yesterday was the first official day of this twelve-week program. It was the first day that I would start writing this blog, and the first day that I would start doing a few things on a regular basis that I believe would help get my mental health in line, which I believe is of paramount importance to getting your physical health in line. I will elaborate on those at some point, maybe even today, I am going to be honest and tell y’all, I have no idea where these are going to go when I start writing.

Needless to say there was some excitement, and there was also some trepidation. Yesterday was a little grey for me. I was upset with myself for my horrible dieting options on Tuesday. I am one of those people who continuously says “one last fat meal,” and no matter what, I absolutely regret it the next day. Another thing that made Yesterday a little grey for me was the fact that I was admitting my struggles with mental health to more people than just my therapist and my girlfriend. Some friends knew that I had issues with anxiety, and some friends knew about the struggles I had about eight years ago, but it was the first time I really said “hey, I am a little fucked up in the head.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsvyjePPFRs (shoutout to Adam on this one) It was good for me to admit that to this vast nothingness that is seemingly everything in the world, the internet. I also had a little bit of help, I don’t know if it was coincidence or what, but this video came across on youtube auto play and showed me that even the most successful people in the world deal with these issues. Old Athlete Meets Young Athlete To Discuss Mental Illness | Dean Windass Meets Tyson Fury | The Gap - YouTube – This video is definitely worth the time, and it will help you realize that people are out there living life and crushing goals no matter what that voice in the back of their mind is telling them that they are not capable of. Yesterday was also a little grey because of the fact that I reread what I wrote, I thought it would make me feel good, proud, and a little Tranquilo, (that’s a little shout out to the wrestling nerd in me, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyTtyg_fylI) but it didn’t. I realize now that taking off and not writing for four years, was a bit of a mistake, but we’re back on the wagon. Hopefully I will look back on these entries and see an improvement, probably not, but maybe.

Anyway, looking back I was excited to finally step into the program, this is something that I have not interacted with since I played baseball in college all those years ago. Back then, I absolutely was disgusted with the idea to hop into a designed program. I was young and thought that whatever I could come up with would be just as good as anything they had. I was wrong. I cam into college weighing around 235, and the coaches weren’t shy about telling me that I was too big. I was cocky, and didn’t care about who was ahead of me on the depth chart or what other players were brought in at my position. My mindset was simple, “I am the best mother fucker here,” to this day I don’t know how wrong I was exactly, but I do know I was not the best player there, I was correct in one sense, I was one of the most out of shape people on that team. Their program, as well as them watching and ridiculing everything I ate, helped me get down to 205 pounds, which is now near the top of my goal weight range. I don’t know if that is significant to me because it’s the last time I felt confident in my body or what, because it definitely wasn’t a time that I was experience a healthy mind. So now, completely opposite of where I was about nine years ago, I am excited about the prospect of getting ‘fit.’

I looked toward the first day of this program as something that would be easy, fuck me, I couldn’t have been more incorrect. In the last month or two I was sporadically going to the gym and just focusing on my cardio, this did nothing for me but give me a little bit of piece from whatever I had going on, so it was good, but it was doing nothing for my physical fitness. The workout started with 500m on the row machine as a warmup, this literally took about 3 minutes, but it kicked my ass. 500m on the row machine kicking my ass should have been a telling sign to where this workout was going, but it was not. I did some lower body, body weight movements, and then headed to the squat rack to find my three rep max (3RM.) My legs were already burning, I got 225 with some relative struggle from fatigue, but being alone, I left it there. I will use 250 as my 3RM from now on. That is something that is tough for me to admit, 250 as a 3RM, I used to be able to squat over 400 pounds, that wasn’t something that was challenging when I was catching over 100 games a year, it was just another thing that I could do. Squats are one of the things that I would like to improve most on, right up there with cardiovascular health. I am sure my relative obesity for the last near decade probably has wrecked a little havoc on my heart health. Speaking of cardio, that’s how the workout ended, with 12 minutes of as many as possible cardio circuit, fam I about died. This workout gave me a headache like I haven’t had since eighth grade basketball. I guess these headaches are kind of common, excretion headaches, and I am probably going to get them for the next week or so, oh boy!

Anyway, this blog isn’t just to update y’all on workouts, its to keep myself in check. Letting myself down is something that I have become familiar with, so I am hoping, that it some way, this makes me think that I am letting everyone else down too. So some things that I am going to detail, is what I ate, and what times (so I fit with my intermittent fasting,) whether I am keeping up with actually doing my hair on workdays, and shaving my face 3-5 times per week so I don’t look like a hungover bum at work. There are probably other things that I will get to doing as well, but I am trying to evolve and will come up with those throughout the next three months.

Workout today: A GD struggle, and it was only 45 minutes

Diet: A few cups of coffee and about a half gallon of water In the morning. 1:35 Two pieced of grilled chicken, Brussel sprouts, and cooked peppers and onions. 4:30: Beef chuck roast, baked potato and broccoli. 8:45: Protein shake and a spoonful of peanut butter (I plan to do better than this, but yesterday was a bit sporadic)

Sleep: 6 hours ( trying to get 6-8 daily)

Therapy: Check

Yes I did my hurr, nope I didn’t shave my stubble.

My apologies for these first two being so long, but I am having a good deal of reflection as I try to start this new path.

Cheers!

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maya-tl · 6 years

Text

Slice of Life

Author's Note: This fic is inspired by @altruistic-skittles and their Slice of Life Sanders Sides AU, which can be found here. All worldbuilding credit goes to them, I only stitched the ideas together in writing.

Author's Note #2: Due to Tumblr restrictions, the story was split into three chapters. Next chapter will be posted on Sunday.

Honorary mentions: Keep your eyes peeled for @themicrosoftnerd and @crofters-jam , who make an appearance in this chapter!

Shoutout to Toby, who is part of the AU but sadly doesn't get a mention in the story.

This work will also be posted to Ao3 in the near future.

Link to my Ao3 profile will be at the end! Tag list will be in the replies! Enjoy!

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3

***

"Virgil~"

It's barely above a whisper, but he groans anyway and sinks into the pillow like dead weight. He swears he hears someone giggle just above him and he feels warmth through his chest.

"Virgil, honey," he feels a hand on his shoulder that gives it more of a gentle nudge than a shake, "get up. You'll miss breakfast."

The prospect of waking up just makes him settle down even deeper under the comfy blankets.

Truth be told his brain had probably kicked into gear a good while ago, but once the dreaded feeling of expectation that his alarm would be blaring into his ears any minute had passed without coming to fruition, he hadn't questioned any of it and simply gone back to sleep.

He doesn't know if he's actually gotten any rest since, but the fact that his mind is a foggy blank space probably alludes to a yes.

The mattress dips beside him and the hand on his shoulder resumes its shaking—definitely a shake this time.

"Viiirgiiil~" they say, stretching the word like it's a song lyric, and he can hear the smile in their voice even through his sleep clouded mind. "Wakey wakey, sleepyhead~"

He groans again—though it comes out more like a whine—and tries to wiggle out of the hand's reach. There's another giggle, and this time he grudgingly opens his eyes just enough to muster a glare, but even that's half-hearted and reduced useless when the offending figure leans down and plants a kiss on the tip of his nose.

He laughs softly, reaches up to rub at his eyes, and the steady warmth in his chest flares when the source of said warmth laughs back, beautiful and genuine and music to his ears even after nearly two decades of hearing it every day.

"Five more minutes?" he tries, raspy with morning voice, but even as he's saying it he's already sitting up and stretching his stiff muscles.

His answer is a peck on the cheek this time, and he can see Patton's entire face break into a smile out the corner of his eye when he leans into the touch.

That reminds him, their anniversary's coming up. He makes a mental note to get something ready in advance, even if that won't be for a few months now.

"What time is it...?" he mumbles and reaches for his phone, effectively draping himself across the bed.

"Kids are already up and about." Patton offers as he rises from the bed and goes to open the curtains.

"Wow, I outlasted Roman's beauty sleep? That's a first." he squints through the sudden flood of light and gapes at his phone screen until he's sure his eyes might roll out of their sockets. "Breakfast?? Pat, it's nearly noon."

Patton gives him a sheepish look, though his smile doesn't falter. "Brunch then? We've all had breakfast except for you and Ro—Lolo and I already had pancakes. Roman thought I batter go wake you before you turned into Sleeping Beauty—"

He snorts, both at the pun and the implication; sounds like his eldest alright.

"—and he wanted to make his own breakfast. I'll go get some leftovers ready for you, yeah?"

"If there are any leftovers..." he mumbles under his breath, before it's silenced by another kiss.

"You know Roman is too worried about his physique for that and Logan doesn't approve of pancakes in the morning. I barely got him to eat his share." Patton smiles, and it's crooked and beautiful and the sunlight beaming through the windows brings out his freckles and Virgil gets this inexplicable urge to kiss every single one of them. "Take your time getting ready, you haven't been sleeping much for the past week and I don't want you falling asleep at the table again."

He chuckles, standing up and stretching some more; he can hear the birds chirping downstairs when Patton opens the door on his way out.

Someone that sounds suspiciously like his son is talking more loudly than is necessary on the phone and he swears it's a habit he only picked up after they moved; he must've stayed up late and gotten friendly with that Remy kid at some point, because Virgil knows his 'beauty sleep' is more of an excuse to sleep in rather than an actual concern with beauty.

On second thought, knowing Roman, it's probably both.

"Oh! I almost forgot," he hears his husband, who sounds like he's halfway down the stairs, "Thomas told me yesterday that his car broke down!"

Again? He should probably ask Emile for some lucky crystals or whatever he's into these days, their soft-hearted neighbour could sure use it. That man has such a knack for trouble that sometimes Virgil finds himself wondering how he hasn't burned down his house yet.

Would be a shame too, apparently it's been in the family for generations.

"Do you mind if I drive them to the theatre today? Ro agreed to extra practice hours and his whole group of friends wants to come see how the big play's coming along!!"

Of course he did, and of course they do.

"Nah, I'll do it." he says, even though that's the last thing he wants to do today. Not that his other options are much more exciting; he mostly just feels like sleeping the whole day through. "I've got a shift in about three hours anyway, might as well waste a bit of gas."

"You're working? I thought you had weekends free??"

He pulls out some sweats and a simple black T and heads to the bathroom to turn on the shower. His work clothes are already laid out for once, look at him being productive.

"It's just a small shift, Pat, I took it up so I could have less overtime, it's a compromise."

He can hear the underlying tone beneath the innocent question, the silent implication that if his boss is screwing him over Patton can and will physically fight them, because for all his fun loving self he's also dreadfully overprotective.

He knows Patton's not convinced, but he's also learned that Patton still puts a lot more trust in him than he ever expects to receive, and just like that Virgil suddenly feels an overwhelming sense of belonging.

He loves this kind, beautiful, incredible, perfect man that he shares his life with so much he vaguely wonders if he's legally, ethically and morally allowed to marry him again.

Patton laughs again, and so does Virgil when he realizes he's spoken out loud.

How did he ever get so lucky?

***

Patton walks in on the sight of his eldest son pacing a hole into the kitchen floor, a piece of toast in one hand and a bunch of disorderly papers in the other, with his phone squished between his shoulder and his ear.

"Right?! I would make for a brilliant prince!!" he tries to get out between a mouthful of toast and jam, flailing the papers around like they were the ones who didn't give him the part. "Thomas is totally underestimating my incredible acting skills, the audition I gave was practically flawless!!"

"Or perhaps your ego has finally rendered all your other brain functions useless and you are living under the misguided assumption that you are better than anyone at everything you do."

"Nobody asked you to speak, Microsoft Nerd!"

Logan doesn't even lift his eyes from the book he's reading. As a matter of fact he flips the page over, looking utterly and purposefully disinterested in the tantrum of his older brother, who is currently at risk of choking on his food if the fact that his entire face looks like it's gotten sunburn is any indication.

"No, but you are yelling rather loudly and I am trying to enioy a quiet morning lecture." he adds, manoeuvring his cup from its place on the table to take a sip of tea without breaking the narrative he's currently engrossed in. "Not that anyone ever gets any peace and quiet in this household when you're home."

"I beg your pardon?!"

"Play nice, kiddos." Patton chides as he walks in, opening the fridge to take out a rather large stack of pancakes and some orange juice. "And Roman, quit talking with your mouth full."

Roman quietly mutters something like 'gimme a sec Val' before dropping the papers—which Patton assumes are pages of his current script if the neon highlighter marks he catches a glimpse of are anything to go by—into a messy pile on the counter, a tactful distance from the sink.

He even makes a show of swallowing to prove that he's not in any life threatening situation before propping the phone right back to his ear.

"Sorry, my dumb brother interrupted me—"

"I'm not the one actively trying to fail math after the semester's hardly begun." there's suddenly a definite edge to Logan's tone and he's giving his brother a stare so cold it's a wonder his head doesn't turn into a block of ice.

Patton knows that tone; if there's anything his little Lolo is insecure about it's his intelligence, no matter how many times he or Virgil assure him that he's not only the smartest one in the family but also one of the smartest in his school. A work friend of Virgil's they invited over once even called him a prodigy, and that must mean something coming from a therapist.

Unfortunately, Roman's impulse of speaking with absolutely no filter is just as immovable, which means their children have raised the term of sibling rivalry to a whole new level.

Patton decides to stop the argument before it's begun.

"Boys." they clamp their mouths shut immediately, as he knew they would, but he places his hands on his hips just for a little more authority. "What did I just say?"

'Play nice?' Roman more asks than answers at the same time that Logan lets out a tight 'Play nice.'

"Now, what's the right thing to do?"

They sigh in tandem and speak together. "Sorry dad." When he gives them a pointed look they share a glance and give in, both their shoulders dropping the tension simultaneously.

"I'm sorry I called you dumb, I didn't actually mean it..." there's genuine emotion in most of his eldest's apologies, because most of the time he really does blurt out his first thought without considering it and realizes it when his head's in the clear.

"I didn't mean to undermine your creative skills or make you feel inadequate in any way." his youngest is not the most in touch with emotions, but he is smart enough to know when an apology is in order and to differ between a sincere and insincere one.

He gives them a nod of approval and goes back to putting together a late breakfast, plopping the pancakes into the microwave and reaching into a cupboard for a clean glass. Logan likewise resumes his reading as if nothing had happened; Roman is the only one who settles down, picking up his conversation at a more acceptable volume.

As the pancakes are heating up he opens another cupboard door and frowns.

"Have any of you seen the honey?"

"Mhm?" Roman glances over as he chews around another mouthful of toast with too much jam on it. "Oh, it's over there."

Patton turns to the area he'd vaguely gestured to and spots the bee shaped bottle peeking out from behind a very familiar jar of jelly, both items that have long become staples in the kitchen due to Logan's surprising demands. The cap of the jar is undone, and as he swiftly puts it back on his dad reflexes kick in before he can think better of it.

"Who left the jar open?"

The microwave decides to beep at the same moment that Roman abruptly freezes, sticky fingers in his mouth, and he immediately turns to his brother. Logan puts it together in a matter of nanoseconds and practically leaps out of his seat, book tumbling off his lap.

"Is that my Crofter's?!?"

Seeing that not even his acting skills can provide an escape, Roman spreads his arms in a shrug. "Uh, do you own the company?"

It's difficult to get Logan truly riled up, but Roman does have a habit of biting off more than he can chew. Literally this time.

"You know it's family owned—that's not the point, Roman, it's my food!!"

"Oh come on, you have like fifty jars, you can share."

"You didn't even ask me if I'm willing to share!!"

"I was hungry!!!"

"Dad!!!"

Patton manages to suppress a sigh, but only just. He shoves his glasses up and pinches the bridge of his nose for the briefest moments.

Honestly, he loves his children unconditionally, but sometimes, on occasion—and he would never in a million years ever admit this to anyone except maybe Virgil—sometimes he loves them a lot more when they're in separate rooms.

On separate floors.

With their doors closed.

***

My Ao3 profile.

#my_writing #sanders sides #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #anxiety sanders #morality sanders #logic sanders #creativity sanders #deceit sanders #remy sanders #moxiety #romantic moxiety #platonic lamp #familial lamp #slice of life au #emile picani

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jihoonslattee · 7 years

Text

College AU - Jisung

so here is college au jisung which is i admit not that like fluff with all romance in it but like just meeting jisung and finding out how funny and a great person he is

anyways onto the AU!

~~~~~

so college was never really your thing

school in general wasn’t your thing

like who could understand those math problems that the teachers gave like those fraction ones with the 4x + 3 on top of 5 which equals another fraction like that

(srry needed to get my feelings out bc i literally could not understand that for a hot minute)

but to be honest this was like your 3rd college you were attending because you weren’t really the smartest in the bunch

you were also trying to become a therapist but in your year suddenly everyone thought that they ALSO wanted to become a therapist too so it became so compacted

and that was added competition

be ofc since math was your worst enemy and gave you the worst grade the two colleges you attended were like

“lmao ok you are obviously not going far in life even if math is not in therapy you at least need basic knowledge of all those algebraic problems bye”

like wow ok i guess listening to people with an unbiased opinion requires you to solve math problems at the highest speeds possible while also listening to them

and since you were transferring colleges for the THIRD time you were pretty sure that college life was not for you and that if the teacher sucked at teaching math at this college that you would just give up an work at the mcdonald’s near your apartment or smthing

time skipp like a few days

it had already been a few days since school started and you were AlLREADY drowning in work and math

really just

math

while you were walking about the campus though, you noticed that there was a flyer that you kept on seeing every two feet you walked

curious you walked over towards the flyer and read the words

“Take a phone number at the bottom for a tutor! Mainly in math because English is too hard for my brain but maybe we can do smthing like i teach you math and you teach me english!”

you instantly snatched the flyer

not even one of those pull out just the whole flyer

it was time to enter the therapist course, even though college isn’t really fit for you it was something you really wanted to do so if you had to tutor someone while they are also tutoring you then so be it

arriving back at your apartment you instantly sat down at the desk and dialed the phone number on the flyer

“hello?”

you were shocked at how quick the person responded, usually it would take a couple of rings before anyone you called picked up the phone

“oh hi this is jisung right? I was wondering about you tutoring me in math, are you possibly good at all of it?”

the other person chuckled on the line and you were sure it was a guy

“what do you mean by all of it? like even the really basic stuff and the really hard stuff?”

you felt your face go red, you lowkey wanted to tell this guy off for sounding like he was teasing you

“W-well i mean I’m struggling in my class alot because the teacher does not seem to know what he was doing.”

“Of course I can help you then, when do you wanna meet up?”

you felt the excitement start rushing through you

oh yes you were about to rise up and enter that main course for therapy

“Let’s meet up tomorrow at the cafe wanna be an hour after noon” (lmao get my wanna one reference DFLD)

“Isn’t that one of the most busiest places though? i don’t think you would be able to focus with so many people talking at once”

“I mean it’s my first time meeting you so i think it would be nice to meet in a comfortable place like that”

the person on the other line took a minute to respond before talking again

“sorry! just had to write down where and when we were meeting tomorrow since i have a slightly busy day”

“oh are you tutoring a lot of other people?”

he softly sighed on the phone and you felt like you could mentally see whoever was on the phone putting their head in their hand because of the way they sighed

weird but you always thought those things

anyways

“actually not a single person has contacted me, i don’t know what’s wrong with me i don’t know if it’s what i said in my flyer. i thought it sounded pretty friendly and stuff and like i thought people would totally want to since I’m pretty good in math and i was hoping to find someone good in english too-”

“it’s okay jisung, i mean at least you got me! I’ll probably be a long term person you tutor to because i literally do not understand anything i need one on one help”

he chuckled a little and you smiled hoping that you cheered him up just a little

“thank you, well i gotta go now, gotta get some good rest before I mentally prepare to tutor you tomorrow”

“hey it’s not like I don’t know how to do anything, it’s just the stuff we are learning now”

“i know, I was just joking! anyways have a good night!”

after the phone call you felt mentally tired

like you usually found it hard to talk to new people but since this was something you really needed it felt like you had to be more pushing than usual

you were more of a ‘listen to people rant and talk for hours and really only say a few words or a few long responses as they keep on ranting’

but anyways you passed tf out without taking off makeup or anything

jk you don’t wear makeup bc even if you do have any you literally wake up at the last possible second to get ready so no time for make up

the next day though you did make an effort to look at least a little bit nice

you didn’t want to scare off your tutor yet with your messy hair and same outfits of a sweater and jeans that come in different colors

you still wore jeans but at least a nice tshirt

before leaving you grabbed your english textbooks because hey if he was gonna give you the knowledge for math the least you can do is give him the knowledge for english (shoutout to your younger brother daniel because he for some reason had a burning passion to learn english and actually learned it)

when you arrived at the cafe you took a table near the window but it hit you

you literally did not know what your tutor looked like and they didn’t know what you looked like let alone you didn’t even tell him your name so they were probably depending on you to just wave him down

you were already expecting this tutoring session to go down badly

while waiting you noticed a tall male walk into the cafe with a bag, they didn’t really look around but they headed straight for the line to order

you didn’t mean to observe but you totally started observing,

you were sitting near the window but you were still pretty close to the register

“Hey Sungwoon! Can I have the usual and a Iced Americano?”

“ooh, did you finally someone that you can not talk about school with?”

“ah no it’s for the person I’m tutoring, I hope they like the drink i get them though.”

the person you assumed to be sungwoon nodded and quickly wrote down the orders on the cups before sliding them over to another person.

You took this as a chance to greet him, you got up from your table and tapped him on the shoulder

“hi you must be jisung! I’m Y/N the person you’re tutoring i got a table for us already”

“o-oh! yeah I’ll be there after i get our drinks”

he quickly turned away from you and you could tell he was embarrassed

you were silently thanking your high school psychology classes for actually teaching you something like how people act in certain situations.

going back to your table though you sneaked a glance over at Jisung and noticed that he was still talking to Sungwoon who kept on taking glances at you

after a good while jisung finally arrived at your table with your drinks, as you were about to pull out your wallet to pay him for your drink he quickly stops you (also he almost slams his drink down on the table mid sip bc he didn’t want you to pay for your drink)

“oh no no you don’t need to pay! Consider it a treat since it’s out first study session together!”

you felt the corners of your mouth lift up to form a a small smile as you put your wallet away

you could hear jisung’s small sight of relief noticing that you were not going to fight him on paying

“i mean it’s a free drink who wouldn’t turn it down?”

he smiled at you

“also i love how you’re calling this a study session when i’m going to be sucking all the math knowledge out of you, well not really more like also sharing the knowledge that you have and making it so that i also have the knowledge!”

jisung just laughed and sat down taking out all of his math notes

“uh jisung, are you sure that’s just math?”

“yeah, you have to take good notes to be able to fully understand what’s going on in math.”

he gave you that “ are you dumb” look which in your head you were like

yeah, actually esp in math

nonetheless you took your english notes out and placed it in front of him

“I would feel bad for you just teaching me all the time, plus on your tutoring flyer you also wanted someone to help you out in english so I’m here!”

you know when like in dramas guy just smile and laugh while looking down bc one ur so cute and two they can’t believe what you said? yeah that is basically what jisung is doing right now DSH

so after a good hour or two of studying at the cafe you decide to give up

well not os much give up but your brain was literally fried from all the math being stuffed into your head so you decided it was time to help him out in english

“okay jisung it’s time to take an official break from math and move onto english”

you literally piled up all the math notes and problems and shoved them on one of the chairs at your table

“what do you need help with?”

“everything”

literally taken aback you looked at jisung like “um alright b”

“let’s start from the basics then”

another time skip after a couple of study sessions

“i’m telling you i feel like i got smarter”

you and jisung were walking back to your apartment after like 6th study session at the cafe and he was ranting about how he felt like such an intellectual in english class today

“the teacher was literally like hello how are you in english and i raised my hand like my day is fantastic how is yours you wonderful teacher, do you think I got extra credit for having a good response?”

laughing in response you just showed a thumbs up and walked up to the door of your apartment

“alright jisung this is where we part ways again, don’t get too excited about your new found knowledge or it might just all go away”

you slightly teased him while opening the door and walking inside and before closing it he stopped it with his foot

which ofc worried you because you were high key about to slam the door since it’s hard to open and close at times

“jeez Jisung watch yuor foot you dance with your dance team with that foot!”

you exclaimed and he just smiled sheepishly at you

“i was wondering if our next study session would not really be studying but a date? I think I’m beginning to like you and I’m hoping you like me back”

you felt yourself blushing and just nodding along to his words

“of course i like you back jisung, i’m not obvious about it but i do! i would love to have a date, just no math references or english lingo cool?”

jisung nodded enthusiastically and grabbed you into a hug

“i’m so excited! I’m make sure it’s great don’t worry!”

and with that he quickly left your apartment complex in a cute way that you couldn’t help but laugh a little

“he’s so cute”

muttering those words you shook your head and walked back into your apartment

thank you for readding hdfhsd

102 notes · View notes

nadoblabla · 5 years

Text

About Me

I bet you already knew from my Twitter (twitter.com/elnado108) that I posted shits on daily basis. Recently, or maybe should I say "usually" , my tweets consist of rage, sadness, questioning myself, questioning the world, practically self doubt and self loathing almost all the time.

Finally, I snapped. Even Twitter can no longer support my overwhelming feelings. "Feelings? Why you use Twitter for feelings?" That's probably what logical people said. Yes, I can use Twitter for good purpose, to share interesting and useful stuffs, knowledge, information, etc. Then what? You see, I am a logical person too. In fact, I use logic almost all the time in real life, so logic that I start to doubt and questioning human nature and their beliefs (I still belief in Allah SWT as God, I simply question the system itself). Then after all these logic starts to bored me and problems come and go, I finally need to rest. I realize I have no one to share all of the pain and happiness other than myself.

Can't believe what I just wrote? First, let's put "parents" and "God" out of equation. Let's become an egoistic being and focus on me for a while. Focus on you. Focus on one single entity, yourself. Try, try to understand my point of view. Let's analyze the last sentence in my last paragraph.

"I realize I have no one to share all of the pain and happiness"

Yes. Let's analyze it (or let me analyze myself) using 5W+1H.

1. What do you mean by you have no one?

-> I do have friends. Most of them are men. I don't have that kind of charm like some of my friends (unsurprisingly, they all are extroverts) that can talk their way with girls, without making myself weird or vulnerable.

As a man, 22 years old, in a third world country that is closer than ever to conservatism, it is very difficult for me to share my problems with my peer. Toxic masculinity, or to put it simple, expectation for a man to always be strong, independent, having huge willpower, and never put themselves in a sentimental/emotional position in front of public. How many of you that told your friends to "don't cry! Boys don't cry! Steel yourself! These are nothing, there are worse things out there!" ?? Even in my campus, my department, my close friends circle, it still happened most of the time. Not only men, most women here expect the same thing. There is nothing wrong with being a tough guy. But it is impossible, yes I declare it with all money on the table, it is IMPOSSIBLE for any human regardless of gender to be tough and badass all the time 24/7. Now when I became vulnerable, when I am down, when I am sad, where should I go? To whom I should talk to?

TLDR, my friends, which almost all of them are male , can't accept my ramblings. Most of them simply give "logical" answer, like how men should, without understanding the underlying problems. The psychology part. The feeling part. Is my logical capacity is too low that I need to ask for others logical answer to my own life? HELL NO. Like I told you from the beginning of this post, I do think logically. And I am fucking bored with it, because no matter how hard I toughen myself up, no matter how delicate my problem solving skills, LOGIC can't solve it. Still not understand what I meant? Huft. It's easy. Every logical answer that most of my friends gave me is something that I ALREADY think about/consider/act upon it. It's not a new or brilliant answer that I looking for.

In the end, I have no one. I do have one/two women that probably can solve my problems, but they've been listening to my problems all these times, that it is simply sickening for me to keep asking for their help.

"Why not solving it yourself?" Some of you may ask.

Next time you are in a deep shit, even if that shit is your own mind, you may fuck yourself. Or you know, you may just kill those psychiatrist and therapist , or blow up psychology department in uni. The next time you meet someone with certain psychological disorder or mental problems, why don't give them a fucking AAA robot that can solve their problems with 100% accuracy. Or maybe, you are weak in science and start to spewing God this and that, you know what? You may be right. Try to ruqyah all of mental patients in mental hospital, give me shoutout if they are "cured". Better quit reading this post rather than trying to give your "number one answer to everything" answer to me. You are not my friend. You are not even on my level, you are low and don't even have rights to see me. Begone.

2. With whom you want to share your pain and happiness?

-> Is it obvious? Human. People that can connect with me not only on logical level , but also understand my feelings. Men and women are all the same. As long as you are not gay.

DISCLAIMER - Skip if you don't want to see me reasoning with SJW feminist gay activist liberals

"Wait! Why gay? You hate LGBT?" Even if my head is full of desire for freedom and happiness, I still can't tolerate LGBTQ++ or whatever that shit is. I do share values with both liberalism and conservatism (in this case, Islam and eastern culture). In short, I trust my own judgement and I don't want to put myself under liberalism/conservatism. I need to be higher than that.

3. Why you can't share with no one?

-> It sounds impossible. No one? For real? I can simply talk to strangers and explain to them all of my life and problems, can I?

If you look back to question number one, you already know the answer. But I do have additional things, that I want to... Add.

It's because even if I do have people to share, people/I might not have enough time. I am busy. Fifth year student in a top 5 campus in Indonesia. Then, even if somehow two/more unique individuals managed to find time to talk, do they actually care?

Several weeks/months ago I have another episode of depression. I share with one of my friend. A woman, as expected. Because man don't have time for these shits. That woman is actually a good woman. But sadly, she is bad in terms of talking on a deep, understanding level. Except when she talk about her love interest. When I shared with her about my personal problems, she seems "fine" until I slip a little detail about her crush, then the whole topic shift to satisfy her desire. It's okay, it is understandable. But at that moment, when I truly need help and in a 100% serious mode, she simply change the whole topic, disregarding the previous conversation completely, not even bothered to talk about it again until I decided to tease her about it. In the end, it will hurts more if the person that I try to trust with my vulnerabilities is simply a wrong, don't-give-a-damn person. In fact, being fake itself is already disgusting.

Yes. I need someone who actually care. Care doesn't mean they instantly become a mother figure. Let's put another example. Back when I was with Nita, she did care. She looked for me when I am missing, she noticed something different in me, she listened attentively. Oh you think I haven't moved on huh? In high school , I spend much of my time with no girlfriend. But I do have friends who missed me when I am gone. Or even if they too are busy with their life, when I am back, they are curious with me.

Now? I no longer have those attention. No warm welcome I always got (not always but yeah) when I entered the class like I used to be in highschool. No more stupid random calls. Indeed, today it's not that bad. But for some reason, I crave for human emotions. Sadness, happiness, love,hate, etc. My life is not like hell now, but it's like a calm water. Nothing happened. Nothing. Nihil.

4. When is all of these happened?

-> By the time problems hit me + the 8th semester (now I am on my tenth). It hits really hard due to my procrastinate habit plus loneliness that happened since I no longer have classes.

If you notice, actually I knew the problems within me. In the last paragraph, I mention "procrastinate". So yeah, stop thinking "Ah now you already understand the problem, why don't you act!". I am too genius. I simply want to talk.

5. Where...

-> err actually I dont know how should I analyze it with "where". So skip this W.

6. How you deal with this, until now?

-> With all of my previous answers, I decided to share it via social media. I KNOW it is spam for some people, I KNOW it is uncomfortable for some, I KNOW it is weird and shameful for me,but what choice do I have? I also plan to do charity stuffs, because I find happiness in other people happiness. Hopefully I am not BS-ing.

It's either I talk/write, or I die of suicide. You think there is another way? Remember, that I ask you readers to put away parents and God, since I believe it is something that I alone should think about, and I am not in the mood to listen/read any kind of suggestion that "use" those things.

But if for some reason you do think there is another way, give me a comment or shoutout.

Meanwhile I know most of you do not know me deeply. I put this introduction at the last paragraph, as a sign of gratitude for your patience and willingness to read this post.

My name is Liu Nado. I am a student in Mechanical and Biosystem Agricultural Engineering department in IPB, Indonesia. I am 22 years old. Male, straight, combination of both Chinese and Lampungnese. Probably ugly, but probably I am smarter than the average human. 170cm tall, 70 kg weight. I am INTP-T, based on 16personalities.com

Thank you for reading my posts. I hope we can be friends. Even if not, if you know someone who are in these situations like mine, please. I beg you. Do not leave them alone. All they need is a place to share. A person to understand.

Oh yeah... I haven't tell you about the problems right? I don't want to make people bored with long wall of text, so I will write about it tomorrow/next time. In the next posts, I will explain to you the trigger of these unnecessary dramatic depression stuff. It might not be the biggest problem I got, but it is the one that push the correct button within me. A "self-destruction" button.

Of course, all of those cocky attitude of mine is just for a joke.

#curhat share depression

0 notes

kthyunngg · 7 years

Text

I’ll Be There - Part 15

|Part 1| |Part 2| |Part 3| |Part 4| |Part 5| |Part 6| |Part 7| |Part 8| |Part 9| |Part 10| |Part 11||Part 12| |Part 13| |Part 14| |Epilogue|

Member: Hoseok

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 6275

Summary: You and Hoseok are best friends and just like any story that starts like this, nothing good ever happens. One night when Hoseok is in his drunken state, he says some things that make you reconsider how much worth you actually have in his life.

A/N: Okay, I know I’m a little late, but here is finally is. THERE WILL BE AN EPILOGUE. I didn’t want to make this too long and it wouldn’t fit in, so an epilogue it is. Also, none of this is edited, so i’m sorry if there are a lot of typos. I tried to get this out asap. Thank you for reading and enjoy Xx

Also, I wanted to do a quick birthday shoutout to @kristiniec. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! 🎉 🎉 🎉

“Kiss the bride!” One of the parents say.

“What —” Hoseok turns towards your and gives you a peck on your lips. Wait. What?

“I got the picture!” Your mother shouts with joy.

“Hobi. What did you do.” You look towards him and he gives you a toothy grin.

This was the first time you ever felt your heart flutter in response to Hoseok’s actions. Everyone in the neighbourhood was well aware you and Hoseok. They knew that you were the best of friends. Inseparable since day one, complimenting each other’s qualities, and some more extreme among those that you knew believed that you and Hoseok would get married one day. Perhaps your little five year-old heart started to believe everything that all these people said.

Endless comments of

“Oh, look how cute they are together!”

“I wish my daughter could find herself a friend like Hoseok.”

“Hoseok, you be good to Y/N now or she’ll never marry you!”

At the time being, you and Hoseok had no idea what these comments meant. The two of you were just best friends; is there anything else the two of you would ever ask for?

You thought that your crush for Hoseok developed during your high school years, but turns out your heart was years ahead of your mind.

“Yah! HOSEOK COME BACK!” Hoseok runs off with the plate that you had just made for yourself. Through Hoseok’s persistent requests, the two of you have decided to do movie nights at the end of every week. You didn’t think that there would be enough good movies to last even a month, but you’ve been doing this for almost five months now.

It has been a while since the incident with Sumi. Every once in a while. you will think back to what happened. A few days after you got out of the hospital, you and Hoseok were notified that Sumi won’t be arrested for what she did. The police said that they didn’t have enough evidence of your other claims to press any charges, however that one time where she pushed you onto the road was enough to grant you and Hoseok and restraining order. Without any hesitation, Hoseok called a lawyer to get the papers ready. You told him that you wanted to think about this whole situation at first, but he didn’t let it pass so easily.

“I don’t know Hoseok.. shouldn’t we get Sumi some help first? I’m pretty sure that there’s a lot more to this whole situation that we don’t know about.”

“What if she hurts you again Y/N? I can’t let that happen, not possible. Think about it Y/N. Once we get these papers, she will never be able to even come near you unless she wants to get arrested.” Hoseok pleads you with his eyes. They’re very convincing, but you deep down, despite all that she’s done to you, you want to help Sumi.

“I just want to help Sumi get past this stage of her life…just like how we’re trying to move on as well.” You grab Hoseok’s arm and hope that he understands where you’re coming from.

“Please?”

Instead of answering you, he moves to the couch. He sits and places his face in his hands.

“We can just find her a psychiatrist or a therapist. That’s all I’m asking. We’ll give her the contact and if she still doesn’t want the help, then we forget about all it.” You sit next to him.

“What about the papers?”

“I’ll sign them.”

“Just a therapist right?” You nod and give him an encouraging smile. Hoseok lets out a heavy sigh and then agrees.

“Fine, but we’re getting the paperwork done first.” You nod. “AND I’m never letting you out of my sight!”

“Okay! Thank you Hoseok! I know this must be super hard for you, but just know that I’m doing this also for our sake and the sake of other people. We don’t want Sumi to keep hurting more people right?” You place your hands on his shoulders so you can genuinely look at Hoseok.

“I know…” Hoseok nods slowly and then hugs you without anything to follow.

One thing’s for sure. It wasn’t an easy journey to get where the two of you are at today. Just like anything else, there were up’s and down’s. Hoseok took it extremely hard the second month following everything. As if reality decided to get up and punch Hoseok senseless, he would be unresponsive to everything. You felt like you were reliving the time when Hoseok was again, heartbroken from Sumi, but for different reasons this time.

Hoseok would stay out late at bars, getting drunk until he couldn’t even see straight. It hurt you to see him like this. It hurt you even more that you couldn’t do anything to help him. Because of Hoseok’s reckless behaviours during his drunken state, which was all the time, he did many things that are unlike him.

Just because it’s a new year doesn’t mean your boss has changed much. You once again are stuck at the office with a heap of work and files to type up. To motivate yourself, you make a nice cup of steamy coffee as well as treat yourself to some nice aromatic bags of all sorts of chips. Unhealthy? Most definitely. Do you care? Most definitely not. Anything to get you through all this work.

What seems like years of endless hacking at your keyboard, you finally type in the last word and press the print button. Never in your life would you think that the noisy printer at your office would sound so peaceful.

As you’re enjoying your fourth cup of coffee, the annoying ring of your phone interrupt the printer.

Hoseok

You brace yourself for loud club music and endless screaming.

“Hoseok?” Immediately your ears are hit with the obscene music.

“Y/N! Wheeeerrrreeee aaarrrreee yooouuuuuuu? Comme haave fuunnnn wiiitth mee!” You can already picture what Hoseok looks like. Sweaty, sloppy, slurring his every word, stumbling on every step he takes, and the smell of alcohol washing off of him.

“Which one are you at this time.” Yes. This time. Hoseok has become the frequent customer to many bars.

He tells you the location, and then you gather your things. Since this has become such a routine for you, you no longer bother with even asking why Hoseok drank so much. You’ve tried all you could to get him to stop, but nothing seems to work. At this point, you would even let Hoseok date a frog if it meant that you would no longer have to make late night trips to the bar.

As Hoseok has become a regular to many bars in the city, you’ve become a regular to his apartment. The security guard on duty during the night always gives you a look of pity as he sees you drag Hoseok up to his apartment. However, you declined his offer just to avoid all the questions that would be asked. The guard meant no harm, but with already so much on your hands, you don’t know if you can bear to even explain the simple details.

“Mmm Y/N your hair smells sooo gooood.” When you’re rummaging through your purse to find Hoseok’s keys, he brings his face into the crook of your neck. If it weren’t for the fact that Hoseok was drenched in the smell of alcohol and threatening to vomit on you at any moment, you would definitely be flustered at this moment.

“Okay there big boy,” You manage to open his door without any issues and plop him down onto his bed. “…stay here and don’t move. I’m going to get the towels okay?” You set down all of your things and then get a small bucket of cool water and some towels as well.

Back in Hoseok’s you sigh as you see that he’s already stripped himself of a few articles of clothing. Fortunately, he was decent enough to leave his pants on.

“Alright Hoseok, you know the drill.” You mumble just to amuse yourself. You place the cool, damp towel on Hoseok’s head to cool him down and take another to wipe away the sweat that’s forming on his face and neck. The biggest struggle was just to not get distracted by Hoseok’s bare chest.

“Mmm.” Hoseok groans and rolls on the bed so that he is now facing you. His hands find his way to your waist somehow and then he pulls you down so that you’re now lying down next to him on the bed.

“Ugh Hoseok…” You try to push him away, but his grip around your waist only grows stronger.

“Y/N…You’re so comfortable. I like it.” Now this makes your heart flutter. You hate that even in his drunken state, Hoseok has this kind of effect on you.

“Hoseok you’re all sweaty and gross!” Trying to protest your way out of this, you continue to push him away, but then he does something unexpected. He flips you around so that he’s straddling you. Now this. This leaves you speechless. Not just speechless, frozen. Every muscle in your body expect your heart decides to stop moving.

“Y/N, your eyes are so sparkly.” He moves his face closer to yours and you swear you just lost your ability to blink. “Soo sparkly.” Hoseok says in awe.

“H-Hoseok, w-w-what are you d-doing? G-get o-off me r-right now.” You have definitely lost your ability to speak because your command sounds like anything, but assertive.

“Our Y/N is so pretty.” Hoseok blurts out while he strokes your hair.

“Hoseok I think you should get some rest now.” Your voice cracks every now and then as you try to regain some sanity from this whole situation.

“So….Pretty….” With every word he speaks, he moves his face even closer and with his hands, he cups your face.

Before you can even react to all this, you can feel the ghostly touch of Hoseok’s lips.

No, it can’t happen like this.

You anticipate for the connection, but it never happens? Suddenly you feel a lot of dead weight on your body.

Hoseok is fast asleep.

This causes you to let out a sigh and you laugh silently to yourself.

Who are you kidding. Sober Hoseok would never do anything like this.

You don’t know what happened after that, but something just clicked within Hoseok and he took a complete 180 turn. One day he was the local alcoholic, and then the next he was back to his old, if not better, self. As shocking as it was, you’re glad that Hoseok managed to sort things out by himself because if not, you’re not too sure if you would have even made it today. If anything, you would probably still be dragging Hoseok out of a bar if it weren’t for his sudden change of mind. Despite being so curious as to how he changed everything literally overnight, you didn’t push him to tell you. It probably took a lot of will power and determination so you let it be.

“Jung Hoseok! You better give me my food back or else I’m never watching another movie with you ever again!” This time Hoseok listens to your threat and he steps out of the room which he locked himself in. He walks out timidly while holding out the plate of food towards you. You smile as you rightfully earn your winning stance and sit down on the church.

“You can choose a move this time.” Hoseok browses all the option that are available online and he settles for one that looks like an action movie. He presses “play” and leans back into the couch beside you.

It doesn’t even take you a quarter of the movie until you’ve completely devoured all the food. In your defence, Hoseok did already eat half of what you prepared. The movie itself was quite interesting, but often times you found yourself quite distracted by the minimal space between you and Hoseok’s thighs. You are already leaning against the armrest of the couch so there is nowhere left for you to go, but Hoseok, he has the rest of the couch to him yet he chose the position he’s in right now.

Knowing that he probably did this unintentionally, you try to take your mind off it, but every now and then, Hoseok would shift in his position and his thigh would rub against yours. You and Hoseok are close, but it doesn’t help that your feelings for Hoseok grow deeper and stronger with every passing day. You know it’s wrong to feel so strongly about him, especially at this point because he just go out of a relationship, so you put in your best effort to hide any signs of you possibly showing your affection for him.

To calm yourself from all this, you place your hands on your thighs to stop them from shaking, and to hide the fact that you palms are becoming extremely sweaty. Does this happen almost every movie night? Yes. Does it get very awkward? Not for Hoseok, but for you it does. Then, Hosoek does a little stretch and you swear your heart stops for a moment because his hands come behind your back, but then he quickly brings them back to the front.

“Ah I’m getting a little hungry. Do you want anything Y/N?” Hoseok stands up and points to the kitchen.

“That’s okay. I’m going to go get some blankets though because I’m getting a little cold.”

“Okay.” He says nonchalantly as you rush into his room to get some spare blankets.

Truthfully you are getting the blankets, but at the same time, you’re also taking this moment to calm yourself of everything.

“Deep breaths Y/N. You’ve done this so many times. It’s nothing new. It’s just a movie.” You whisper to yourself over and over again. When you deem yourself worthy of presenting yourself to the public eye, you quickly grab some blankets and head back to the couch. Hoseok is already seated with his bowl of popcorn. Thankfully there is more space between the two of your this time. Now you’re able to watch the rest of the movie comfortably without having to go crazy.

You wake up with a very unpleasant cramp in your leg. You groan as every move you make makes your leg sore. Perhaps the blankets are too comfortable and warm, but you don’t want to get up. Then you feel something strange. Pillows aren’t supposed to move…. You try to shift your position to figure out the whole situation, but from a very soft bed, you find yourself meeting the hard ground, butt first.

“Aish, what is this?” As you rub away the pain, you take notice that you weren’t in fact sleeping on a bed, but instead on a couch. A couch—Ah. Oh. Somewhere throughout the movie, you must have fallen asleep. Then your eyes diverge to the figure that’s seated on the couch. Hoseok? What is he doing on the — Oh no. You didn’t? Aish stupid Y/N.

The only thing you can think of is that you fell asleep on Hoseok’s lap and the two of you stayed there for the whole entire night. You look at how his upper body is bent at an unnatural angle while his feet are flat on the group. It must have been so uncomfortable for him. You frown at this thought and then standup to place the blanket around him.

Maybe it’s the earliness of the morning, but somehow you manage to step on the blanket and end up tripping yourself.

“Ah!” You let out a scream, but thankfully you fall on something soft.

“Ughh…” Hoseok groans as you open your eyes to see where you landed.

“Oh.”

“Y/N? What are you doing?” Hoseok rubs his eyes to focus his vision and you scramble to get off him.

“O-oh. N-Nothing! I just tripped on the blanket! Don’t worry about it. It’s fine!” As you’re scrambling get away from Hoseok, you don’t notice how much of the blanket has actually accumulated at the bottom of your feet and once again, you step on some of it and you fall backwards.

However, just like the other times when you fall, you don’t feel the impact.

“Aigoo Y/N. It’s too early in the morning. Can’t you give me a break for once?” Hoseok says jokingly as he has a firm grip around your waist. Your face reddens as you notice how close his face is to yours.

“A-ahhh sorry! I just w-woke up too so t-that’s probably why!” Hoseok lets you go so that you’re standing up straight and he takes the blankets away from you.

“We don’t want you falling again right Y/N?” He laughs, but you only manage a forced smile.

Yeah…no falling indeed.

You hate to admit it, but you’re falling hard. Thankfully it’s like a gradual thing so your mind is able to catch up with your heart, but unfortunately, Namjoon and Jin don’t let you live a day without reminding you about this. Whenever you meet up with them, the first thing they will ask you is if Hoseok has asked you out yet. Every single time, you give them the same boring old answer that Hoseok doesn’t actually like you, yet for some reason, that never sticks to their mind.

“Have you told him that you like, I mean loooovee him?” Jin teases you as he stares at the display of watches.

“Jin. Why in the world would I ever do something like that? Hoseok doesn’t look at me that why and he never will so why bring so much embarrassment to myself? Can’t we just live peacefully as friends?”

“Namjoon! You heard that? This girl wants to live peacefully as friends! Honey, we both know that that’s not going to happen.” Jin pats your shoulder lightly for support, but you only glare at him.

“I hate you Kim Seokjin. I hate you so much.”

“Think about it though Y/N. What have you been telling us these past few months? That Hoseok has been a lot nicer to you? Getting you to go out on little adventures together? Taking you places? Always being there for you? Don’t you think that’s gotta mean something?” Jin gives you a wink and nudges your side, but you’re not taking any of it.

“He was always like this Jin, what are you talking about? The feelings are completely one sided.”

“Your brain is one sided.” He mutters underneath his breath and you glare at him.

“Seokjin I hate you so much I hope you never—”

“WOW Y/N! THIS SCARF IS SO PRETTY! YOU SHOULD TRY IT ON!” Jin immediately wraps a thick wool scarf around your neck and covers everything but your eyes. Good. You think. At least you can still glare and rip out his soul.

“Y/N! HURRY! COME OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT! I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY URGENT TO TELL YOU!” One day, you’re going to teach Hoseok some manners and have him not scream every time he calls.

“Can’t you just tell me over the phone? I’m kind of busy right now.” Your eyes are fixated on your laptop screen as the newest couple on ‘We Got Married’ appears.

“Y/N, I’m telling you. This is really important and if you don’t come down, I’m going to flip shit right in front of your apartment building and I don't think the security ahjussi will like that very much.”

“Hoseok I swear to go—”

“Pleeeaaassseee Y/N! Just this one time! For me?” Hoseok says in a sing-song voice and you reluctantly shut your laptop.

“Fine, but just for this one time. Don’t think it’s going to happen again.” You make your way to your room to get changed.

“Thank you Y/N! You won’t regret it! I promise!” Before you can even say another word, he hangs up. Quickly, you get dressed, grabbing whatever you can find in your closet. You also take your bare essentials with you, assuming that Hoseok is going to take you God knows where.

The moment you walk out of the elevator, the security man sees you and gives you a smile which you return. He also points cheekily outside. At first you’re confused as to why he’s pointing something to you, but then you follow the path of his finger and notice where he’s point at. Hoseok. He’s pacing back and forth in front of the shrubs while rubbing the back of his neck. People from the neighbouring country could even sense his nervousness, but for what?

You decide to sneak up on Hoseok. You clutch your bag so that it doesn’t make any noises and tip-toe towards Hoseok until you’re ghostly close to him.

“What are you doing?” You whisper in his ear, and just like you intended, Hoseok jumps up in freight and you fall to the ground in laughter.

“Y/N! What are you doing?! I could have died you know?” Hoseok glares at you while you’re still on the ground, unable to catch your breath.

“You seemed so nervous! Why are you walking in front of the shrubs like that? You’re going to scare all my neighbours away!” You manage to get up and dust yourself off. Hoseok on the other hand, tries to hide his uneasiness, but you can sense that something is a little off.

“Nothing! Nothing’s wrong! Come on lets go before it’s too late!”

“Too late for — Ah!” Hoseok grabs you by your arm and drags you towards his car which is not parked too far away.

The whole entire car ride, you try to tease Hoseok so that he will tell you where he’s taking you, but no matter what you do, what you say, he doesn’t give in. Huh. Shocking. Normally when you bug him enough, he will tell you something. Maybe it won’t be important, but he still tells you something.

As the car continues to move, you notice the change of scenery. The blur of concrete buildings disappear and the clusters of people grow smaller and smaller. Soon, the horizon is no longer blocked off by the cityscape. Trees come into sight and for the first time in a long time, you’re able to see beyond everything. You open the window slightly and let the wind run through your hair.

“Hoseok, where are you taking me?”

“You’ll see.” He takes his eyes off the road for a brief moment to look at you.

“The beach?! Oh my God!” As soon as you catch sight of the water, you jump out of the car, take off your shoes, and run towards the sparkling blue ocean. The rush of the wind mixes in with the crashing roars of the waves. It has been a long time since you’ve been out of the city, and now you’re just realizing how much you needed such a trip.

“Hoseok! Why did you bring me here?” You ask immediately as he stands beside you in the water.

“I was just thinking how you’re always stuck ten feet under piles of work and I was getting bored so why not come to the beach? I also heard that they’re doing a firework show tonight so I thought we could stay to watch it as well?” You can only stare wide-eyed at Hoseok. He looks at you with a confused expression, but you just want to take in this moment.

You promised yourself that you wouldn’t show any signs of your affection in front of Hoseok, but you can’t help it. The sun is shining at such an angle that makes every curve and line of his face stand out. It’s not the perfect angle, no, but it’s enough to capture the warmth of Hoseok’s heart.

“Well? Do you like it? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this earlier. It was really last minute and I thought it would be nice to give you a small surprise so —”

Without even thinking, you give Hoseok a quick peck on the cheek. Only after doing so do you realize what it is exactly that you just did. No turning back now.

“Thank you Hoseok. Sincerely, thank you.” The Sun is burning brightly, but with the heat rising to your face, you think the sun is going to have some serious competition.

Hoseok looks stunned for quite a while. He opens and closes his mouth several times, trying to find the right words to say, but nothing ever coms out of his mouth.

“Well come on then! We don’t have all day!” You throw you purse a fair distance away from the water along with your shoes and splash some water on Hoseok before running off. Hoseok finally comes back to his senses and he too, throws his belongings at a safe distance and chases after you.

The idea of Hoseok chasing you alongside the edge of the water seems cliche, but every one enjoys a little bit of that in their life once in a while right? Hoseok manages to catch up to you and he attempts to grab your arm to stop you from running, but you quickly pull away. Consequently for him, he looses his footing and falls into the water. You’re about to run away, afraid of the wrath-of-Hoseok, but then you hear his shouting and feel bad. You didn’t meant to push him into the water, so you retreat back to help him.

“Are you okay Hoseok—AH!” He smirks widely and drags you into the water along with him. Luckily the water isn’t deep at all for it’s only the edge, but it’s enough to get your pants and some of your shirt wet.

“Yah! Hoseok, let me go!” Hoseok’s smile only grows wider and he continues to hold you down against the warm sand.

“Payback Y/N. Should have thought about that before pushing me into the water.”

“But now I’m more wet that you are! You’re only a little bit soaked, but my entire shirt is getting soaked now.” You put on your best sad expression possible to make Hoseok feel guilty.

“Oh…I’m sorry,” Hoseok loosens his grip on you. “I didn’t mean to do that…” This is your chance.

Catching Hoseok off guard, you get up immediately and push him back into the water.

“Y/N!!” Hoseok screams after you as he struggles to get back up, but you’re already meters ahead of him and running away.

The two of you continue to play at the beach like this. Some time after the two of you are exhausted from running around, you decide to lie down on the sand so that your wet clothes have a chance to dry before the sun sets and the air gets cool.

“This is nice.” You say as you admire the blue sky, slowly getting stained from the orange of the upcoming sunset.

“It really is. I don’t remember the last time I’ve had this much fun.” Hoseok says as he lays next to you.

“I agree. We should do this more often. I like it like this… a lot.” It’s true. You really enjoy spending time with Hoseok. All your burdens from emotions are gone. Nothing mattered anymore except for the fact that you’re enjoying your time. There’s nothing like worrying about whether or not Hoseok will feel awkward from knowing your feelings, or you being embarrassed because you accidentally said something that you’re not supposed to. Everything just seems…right.

“Yeah…it’s nice.” Hoseok agrees with you, but you notice that there’s something off with his voice.

“Are you okay Hosoek? You seem like there’s something bothering you.” You roll on your stomach so that you can look at Hoseok. He too, leans over to his side so that he’s facing you.

“Nothing’s wrong. Why would you think that?” He tries to push away the topic and brushes the sand off of your hair.

“I don’t know. Earlier today, it looked like something was bothering you. You know you can tell me anything right?” Hoseok gives you a soft smile, and then flicks some hair into your face. “HEY!”

“Come on Y/N! Let’s go get some ice cream!” He stands up and brushes himself off and then offers a hand to you. You gladly accept it and the two of you walk over to the ice cream stand.

One thing that catches you off guard is that Hoseok never lets go of your hand. Hoseok continues to walk as if nothing is wrong, but you can’t help but just stare. He swings his arm, along with yours happily and adds a light bounce to his steps. Occasionally he will look over to you and smile, meanwhile you’re still caught in bewilderment.

What does all this mean?

Before you know it, Hoseok has already bought the ice cream and he hands you your cone as he’s already devouring his own. You slowly eat your ice cream as you’re still replying the moments that just recently happened.

“Hello? Earth to Y/N! Now you’re the one that looks like something is bothering you!” Hoseok waves his hand in front of your face to get your attention.

“Oh, what? Sorry I just blanked out for a while.”

“Aiggoo. My Y/N is working too hard.” He gives a playful frown and pats your head.

My Y/N? Since when does Hoseok say “my.” What is happening? Did you hear incorrectly?

Then you feel something cold against your face.

“Yah, Hoseok! What did you do that for!” You’re just about to reach to your face to wipe off the ice cream, but Hoseok is one step ahead of you. He doesn’t answer your question. He only wipes off the ice cream from his finger and gives you a cheeky smile.

“This is war Hoseok. War.” You give him your meanest glare and threaten him with the amount of ice cream that you have gathered on your finger.

However, the ice cream war doesn’t last long. The sun is just setting and the ice cream in your hands is well on its way to melting. You, being a lover of ice cream, wishes to savour what’s left of your half-melted treat so you take a seat in the middle of the beach, complete ignoring any activity around you.

“Ahhh Y/N is so clumsy. Look at all the ice cream she got on her face.”

“What—” You say with a mouthful of ice-cream, but when you turn your head up, you notice that Hoseok’s face is dangerously close to yours. You manage to swallow the ice-cream without choking, but the you’re left just staring at Hoseok’s face. He looks extremely concentrated as he’s wiping off all the ice-cream on your face.

The close proximities of your faces makes you heart race even faster than it was when you were running away from him. The sky is getting darker, yet for some reason, you’re still able to clearly make out every line on Hoseok’s face. His fingers brush over your skin lightly, but with every additional touch, you skin heats up even more. You’re almost sure that all the ice cream has melted by now.

“All done.” Hoseok gives you a bright smile, but you’re still left there in shock. “Just in time too! I think the fireworks are just about to start.” He stands up and takes the garbage to throw away then. “Come on then, let’s go on the boardwalk so we can get a better view of all the fireworks!” Without saying another word, Hoseok takes his your in his, not dragging you by the wrist, and he guides you towards the boardwalk.

There is a considerable distance from where you previously were to the boardwalk, yet the entire time, Hoseok keeps holding your hand. Not that you’re complaining, but something so foreign seems so at home. His touch is so warm compared to the cool sea breeze. Just right.

Hoseok picks up the speak and brings the two of you to the edge of the boardwalk. Just in time too. Everything almost seems too good to be true.

You’re still focusing on the touch of Hoseok’s hand around yours when the first crack of the fireworks hits the sky. You jump a little from the sudden sound, but then you’re immediately welcomed with a spectacular sight.

The sky lights up in various colours. There is a variety of shapes and sizes, some big and some small. Some are the traditional round fireworks, while others are the special ones where they make curved paths. As the sky lights up, your eyes light up. You’re so mesmerized by the fireworks, that you don’t even notice that Hoseok has brought his arm around your waist.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” He says in your ear just loud enough so that you can hear over the crackling of the pyrotechnics.

“Mhm..” You nod, still in awe from the sight in front of you.

“Hey Y/N?” Hoseok nudges your side a little, but all your attention is on the show in front of you.

“Mm?”

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to say….”

“Mm.” You’re finding it difficult to focus on Hoseok’s words because of how beautiful the colours are.

“Y/N,” He turns you away from the view and you frown for a brief moment. “Hey, you’re right. There has been something on my mind recently.” You notice that Hoseok’s tone is very serious, very unlike him. “I’ve been thinking a lot recently and I feel really shameful for only realizing this just now, but…better late than never right?”

“Hoseok, don’t worry. You can tell me anything, you know that. I’ll always there here for you.” You grip his arm lightly and he gives you yet another one of his charming smiles. This time, Hoseok doesn’t say anything. For a while he just stands there. His eyes, light up almost the same way that yours did when you saw the fireworks. What could he possibly be thinking right now?

One by one, he brings his arms around your waist to bring you closer to him.

“Hoseok..” You say, but your voice is too soft and it’s covered by the sounds of the fireworks.

Even with all the booming and crashing behind you, the world becomes quiet. Everything is silent and you can only focus on one thing. Hoseok.

He brings one hand up to brush away the hair on your face and he tilts your chin slightly so that the sparks shine on your face. Slowly, but surely, he moves in. No, you’re in fact not daydreaming. This is one hundred percent real.

“Hoseok..” There is a sense of panic in your voice, but it immediately disappears once you feel Hoseok’s lips connect with yours. It’s foreign, yet you’re sure you’ve felt something like this before, but where?

Hoseok’s touch is gentle. The overall situation is overwhelming enough, but Hoseok manages to make you feel like you have your own display of fireworks happening inside of you. You don’t know what to feel. Shock? Excitement? Confusion? There is only one thing you know how to do.

You kiss him back.

At first you’re a little unsure, but the moment you return the kiss, you can feel Hoseok’s smile against your lips. His hold around your waist tightens and then he pulls away.

“I’m sorry Y/N, for everything. You truly do deserve better. I’m sorry for making you go through all this, for waiting for so long. I truly don’t deserve you and you truly deserve someone better..” Hoseok’s eyes fill with guilt.

“Hoseok, it’s okay. Like you said, better late than never right?” You bring your arms around his waist as you can’t stop smiling. Your cheeks are going to hurt from smiling so hard, but that’s the only thing you can do to express how you feel at this moment.

“It’s not going to be easy.” He says while cupping your face.

“I know.” You smile and he gives you a peck on the nose.

“Thank you Y/N. For everything.” The two of you stay like this for a while as the firework show continues behind you.

You take this time to admire the true beauty of Hoseok. You wouldn’t say that he’s perfect, but who is? He may not be perfect, but he presents himself in a way in which you truly admire. You admire how he’s able to be so passionate about the things he does. You admire how Hoseok is able to carry this aura of warmth and comfort everywhere he goes. You admire how he’s right here in your arms.

“Oh by the way…”

“Hm?” You look up at him, slightly amused as there is the occasional flash of colour projected onto his face.

“That wasn’t our first kiss.” He smirks.

“What do you mean?” You bet your life that you haven’t kissed Hoseok before.

“That time when you were drunk—”

“No. No!” You think back to that dream you had months ago. You’re almost so sure that everything was a dream.

“Yup.” His smirk grows wider.

“Jung Hoseok, I hate you so much!” You try to get out of is hold, but he holds onto you even closer and kisses you again.

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imcomingback · 6 years

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The Confessions of a Broken, but Healing, Man

What's this!? Two updates in one week?

This one is probably going to be what the last one should have been; less ranting and more actual relevance to my current situation. Probably. At least that's what I'm aiming for. Sometimes I go off on random tangents though. And by sometimes, I mean often.

So, I inquired with HR at my company and straight up told them that I have struggled with depression for a long time and have had trouble with the motivation to figure out how to get help. I kind of regretted being that up front since I have this constant paranoia that admitting my struggles to someone in such a position will result in my health insurance being more expensive or even the company thinking I'm too much of a risk and laying me off or something.

But, I'm pretty sure that's just me being stupid. So, I asked them to help me with the process. They gave me a phone number for the insurance folks. Super personal touch. But hey, they at least included a line that was something like "I hope things improve." I at least tried to take the first step! We'll see how Future Geoff handles the next one. It's funny, I say "Future Geoff" sort of sarcastically, but it's not really a joke. I often feel like I have split personalities. Talley says that that's not the case at all and she has a Masters Degree in Psychology, so I'm inclined to believe her. But I don’t know, I have this constant voice in my head telling me bad things; that I suck, that I'm a failure, that I'm a burden... That I should give up. A lot of my days seem to come down to a battle between me and the asshole within.

At this point, I want to give a shoutout to my friend Roberta, who, years ago, gave me the best piece of advice I've ever heard. We all do self-talk, and we're all overly-harsh with ourselves I think, but Roberta told me that when you're critiquing yourself, imagine that you're talking to a friend and not yourself. We're all so much more rude to ourselves than we would ever be to someone we care about. If Talley or Greg or Dylan or John or any of my other friends - even River or Bane - ever came to me and said that they felt like they sucked or they were lame or whatever, I would be so freakin' supportive to the point of being forceful probably. But when I'm talking to myself, Sad Geoff says something like that and Angry Geoff just responds "Yeah. You're right. You fucking suck and you know it." But, since I got that advice, I've managed to break through more often and instead have a third voice that says "No, hey. Stop. You're doing fine." Sometimes it gets drowned out, lately it's been getting overpowered, but I know to at least let it speak. So to get back to the main point, from like five paragraphs ago, no I probably don't have split personalities. We all do self-talk and we're all very harsh on ourselves. But I'm so mean to myself that it spawns those thoughts that I legitimately have two personalities. It's sort of a scary idea, but at the same time it would almost be comforting if it was true; then it wouldn't really be "me" saying the terrible things to myself.

Anyway, these are all things that I'm sure I'll get to flesh out when I eventually figure out the therapy thing. Shoutout to my last therapist for definitely helping me, but we were never in a "traditional," or perhaps cliche therapy environment where I'd get to just vent these kinds of concerns. So, that's where I am right now. I told you guys that I would try my best to be positive, but I also promised to be honest. This is more the latter. I've been feeling very run down the last few weeks. I guess that's what happens when you have, like, four different enormous events at the start of your summer and then nothing for months. I got to see an amazing person in one of my best friends, Matt, get married to an amazing person in Maritza while also seeing the amazing city of Boston in April.

I got to spend a week fulfilling a longtime dream of visiting Seattle, riding the Great Wheel with the love of my life, hiking to the waist-deep snows of Mt. Rainier, and overall falling in love with a region of the country that I had always been infatuated with from afar, in early May.

I got to watch two of my best friends ever in John and Emily tie the knot in the place we all met, Ripon College (which did not at all restrict a 9/11 memorial) in late-May. And I got to head across the pond and see Buckingham Fucking Palace, Winchester Fucking Abbey, the Fucking Royal Observatory, the Thames, and FUCKING Wimbledon and FUCKING Serena Williams in June/July.

So, naturally, the months after that spree were going to feel shitty. But the thing is that today felt good at first. I woke up, I worked, I got the cats to sort of tolerate each other through the bribes of food and treats, and then I was productive as hell at work. I even helped out with a story in actual Milwaukee and not just the suburbs which helped to make me think that maybe my more experienced co-workers wouldn't just think of me as a dead-weight millennial who is clearly next on the chopping block for layoffs. Everything was good. And then, a bunch of little things happened. The cats started fighting, the day got less productive, I randomly saw myself in the mirror and thought I had gained weight, and my friends and I got into some pointless argument that ended up actually resulting in legitimate anger. So, when Talley came home, while I had been a bubbling fountain of positivity at 3 p.m., she found a husk of a human playing "Fortnite" and not even being mad, but being just sad and dejected with every death. It's amazing how quickly moods can turn. Or at least how quickly mine can. But, I did find that while other things turned and made me upset, the fact that I had at least been productive work-wise today sustained me through the other strife. No, I wasn't happy. But I was okay. The self-talk; the voice, tried to talk shit. But I had a solid rebuttal this time. The moral of this story is how quickly a small thing can change the mood of a person as insane as me. Does that sound harsh? I don't care, I'm willing to own it: I'm insane. Anyone who legitimately thinks about throwing themselves off of a bridge is insane. The natural priority of any living being, whether it be a human with mental struggles, a gazelle fleeing from a cheetah, a fly fighting to break free from a spider's web, or a cat hissing at another cat in a one-bedroom apartment, is to survive. And so to legitimately defy that natural instinct and consider destroying your own survival? That is certainly insane.

The Brewers beat the Cubs at least, and Talley and I ate pizza and wings for dinner. So the night ended well. Overall, here's the summary of the last few weeks and this entry which ended up being (Sorry) just as cringey, awkward, negative, and rant-filled: We have a long way to go. 7 weeks ago, when I pledged to you guys that I was coming back, I meant it. I still do. But it's going to be a harder and longer road than I expected. I thought that I could rally, fight, and sort of just get back to the happy-go-lucky person I was as a kid... No such luck. But I will get back. I promise that I'm trying. I promise. And I've never tried harder at any single thing in my entire life. Be patient with me; I'm still coming back.

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cristinajourdanqp · 6 years

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I Went From Having an Invisible Illness, Being Overweight, Depressed and Tired To Enjoying Robust Health!

It’s Friday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Friday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

Looking back, I have always had thyroid issues though I had no idea what that meant in my teens and twenties. It apparently runs in my family, though with rural Alaska medical care in the 70s, you were lucky to have a doctor available, let alone a dentist. Even as I grew older and moved to the city and then to college in Arizona and life in many other places, I was always just not well. Though I managed to live and work and play fairly normally, I would occasionally have days that I could not get out bed, so I attributed it to depression or other more readily identifiable causes like depression.

I eventually married and went through two pregnancies in my early 30s, fairly normal and with healthy babies. After my second child, my mental and physical health really started going downhill, though it wasn’t really visible other than weight gain and some fairly severe post-partum depression. With the benefit of hindsight and research, what was probably mild Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis in my youth turned into full-blown Hashimoto’s after the stress of pregnancy, childbirth, nursing and raising two small children.

I was officially diagnosed in 2006 with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis after a therapist I was seeing for depression thought to order some tests. My levels weren’t that high, and I don’t even remember what the endocrinologist said to do about it, just that I had it and it had to do with my thyroid, and that someday my thyroid would fail and I’d be put on medication. He advised eating better and exercising, but with no specific plan. Ok. I just went about my life in the usual way, raising two small kids and easing my way back into the working world while doing all of the usual life things of home maintenance, the kids’ sports and school schedules, marriage, work and other family obligations. The Internet wasn’t that prevalent then, and I just accepted my diagnosis and prognosis and went about my life the best I could.

The years went by and I gained more and more weight. I would “diet” occasionally, have a little bit of success, then fall right off the wagon. I’d tried all of the fad diets, Weight Watchers, etc., and even went sugar-free and even gluten-free a few times in the past with great results, but again, fell off the diet wagon every time. I had been active most of my life with running, college intramural sports, tennis, hiking, long-distance biking, canoeing, camping—nothing ever really stopped me from being active, even being overweight or tired through most of it. I even put myself through almost three P-90X workouts in a row (shoutout to Mark Sisson for his episode – little did I know he’d be so instrumental to my life later….). My weight didn’t budge, though I got some nice muscle under my chub. I thought I was eating fairly well at that time, too, low fat, whole grains—the usual “good diet.” At the beginning of the third cycle of hard-core exercise, plus moving some furniture, I herniated a disc in my back and that put an end to P90X and extreme exercise.

In the meantime, I was getting sicker and I didn’t understand why. I was 50 pounds heavier than my normal pre-pregnancy weight. I was depressed, moody, lethargic, overweight, exhausted, and I always felt like I should just try harder to find the right medication to take care of it, or cut out the fats, or just exercise more. It seemed like each day was a monumental effort to get through, and I know I missed out on a lot of activities with my kids when they were little.

By 2013 my diagnoses were:

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an auto-immune disorder where your immune system attacks the thyroid, which untreated can lead to multiple issues and eventual thyroid gland failure.

Bipolar disorder and depression/anxiety. The manic-depression was actually the hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism that characterizes

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, but I didn’t know that at the time so I went on multiple and many medications over the years, thinking that nothing was working for me and this is how it was and would be for me forever.

Migraines and headaches. This entailed emergency room visits and even a brain MRI. I went to a neurologist and was put on a migraine medication that ultimately gave me kidney stones, two of which had to be surgically removed. The medication didn’t help at all so I eventually gave up on it and since then, no more kidney stones! An expensive experiment. Now, if I have a gluten exposure—instant migraine and the root cause of them.

GERD, bile disorder and esophagitis. I was put on a medication and at my first out-of-pocket charge of $400 for the med, I decided I’d go with the heartburn instead. I’d had bloating and discomfort for years, and did the usual OTC meds for that. An EGD thankfully showed no celiac disease but did show chronic inflammation.

Asthma and chronic bronchitis requiring an inhaler

Chronic fatigue

Restless leg syndrome

Hyperlipidemia

Osteoarthritis, joint pain and stiffness

Chronic tendinitis in wrists

Adult acne

Early menopause at age 40

Brain fog

Around this time I had also lost half of my hair—thankfully I have thick hair so it still looked ok even though it was falling out in clumps.

For seven long years I went to the endocrinologist, got my thyroid (TSH) level tested and was always told it was “normal.”

In August 2013, after my last visit to the endocrinologist who had “managed” my Hashimoto’s for seven years, I finally hit the wall with my frustration over not being able to control my own body. I had had my first full-blown panic attack around this time as well. My medical record states the doctor actually thought it “was unlikely patient has significant thyroid disorder.” My TPOAb (Hashimoto’s marker) was 629.5 IU/ml (normal is to just eat right and exercise more and wait until my thyroid failed and then be put on medication. I even begged to be put on Armour NDT or something to just try it, even though my TSH was normal. He refused. I fired him and, at the end of my rope, finally got on the internet where I found the book I felt saved my life, “Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis: Lifestyle Interventions for Finding and Treating the The Root Cause” by Dr. Izabella Wentz, which had just been published. Finally, someone who had suffered like me!

I jumped right in to the Hashimoto’s protocol—which is basically Primal, and though it was a super hard transition off the SAD and meds, I lost 20 pounds in the first 21 days and over the next three months, lost 25 more, and never looked back. I gave up gluten, grains, started eating way more fat and vegetables, minimal fruits, got off all of my medications and resolved almost all of my health problems, in particular the depression—it’s amazing to live without it! Without reading The Primal Blueprint (until a bit later), my diet and lifestyle had evolved to fit the model of ancestral health naturally.

During the initial transition, I had gathered all of my medical records, made a summary of them chronologically, made a spreadsheet of my labs and discovered by myself that while I have always had “normal” TSH levels, I don’t convert T4 into the more usable T3, and my symptoms fit that profile. I found a holistic leaning CNP that agreed with my diagnosis and was willing to prescribe the proper NDT medication to address this and literally 20 minutes after taking the first dose, my anxiety, which had reached panic attack levels, disappeared. I now know that when my anxiety creeps up, it’s time for a thyroid medication adjustment.

I eventually read Elle Russ’ Paleo Thyroid Solution, which is a great resource for thyroid sufferers and explained a lot of what I was going through. I do still have the occasional Hashimoto’s flare days, when I simply cannot get out of bed, but it’s down to 1-2 times a year—and usually after I’ve let non-Primal foods into my diet. A far cry from being how I lived my life on a daily basis. It took ten years from diagnosis and many endocrinologists, naturopaths, nurses and internists later, but I finally have found an integrative medical doctor who helps me with the right medical care for Hashimoto’s. I was gratified at our first intake appointment that she did not change one thing about my diet which was already Primal! She commented on my robust health and I was never more proud of myself for getting myself from my sickest days to the point of actual robust health!

Today, after my all time high of 213 lbs, I keep my body at a comfortable 165 lbs (I’m 5’5” and age 49). My Hashimoto’s is stable and after initially cutting my levels in half by eating primally, I go a bit up and down and now rely on my physical and mental states to determine how well I’m controlling it through my food plan. I don’t have a CrossFit-type body, but I do have a body that takes me through my days without pain or suffering, as long as I stick to the Primal way. I no longer have depression, anxiety, GERD, acne, my hair grew back, I sleep like a champ and my brain fog is better but not all gone—hey, I’ll be 50 this year, what can I say! My weight, despite four back surgeries for disc herniations, a labral tear repair in my hip, a broken ankle and a shoulder surgery (the osteoarthritis still rears its ugly head), has remained stable at 165 lbs since 2013. Even when I am unable to exercise, I maintain my weight, mood and general good health simply by eating and living Primally. Today, I enjoy riding my bike, walking my dogs, working out at my property mowing grass, hauling logs and brush and doing simple Primal workouts in my basement. I have a goal of someday being super muscle-y but since I feel so much better than I did before, I’m ok with my body now. My clothes always fit and I can live and do what I want to physically, and that’s more than enough for me.

My children are now 19 and 16, growing up and moving on with their lives, and with extra time on my hands I started looking into being a health coach. I’d followed many “diets” related to primally eating—mostly the Hashimoto’s Protocol, the Bulletproof Diet, the Whole30 plan, the Auto Immune Protocol plan and Paleo among others—but truly, the lifestyle I developed and live dovetails totally with the Primal Blueprint—I was living it before I really even knew about it! My heritage is Inuit/Alaskan Eskimo so it makes complete sense now that I live best on fats, meats and vegetables and berries! I know this lifestyle works for me and am excited to share it with others like me, who have suffered needlessly with auto-immune disorders that aren’t treated properly. I know you can take your health into your own hands and live the way nature intended – PRIMALLY! I recently became certified as Primal Health Coach and am living proof that good health can be had with minimal effort and suffering and I’m excited to begin my journey of helping others to robust health!

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

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milenasanchezmk · 6 years

Text

I Went From Having an Invisible Illness, Being Overweight, Depressed and Tired To Enjoying Robust Health!

By 2013 my diagnoses were:

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an auto-immune disorder where your immune system attacks the thyroid, which untreated can lead to multiple issues and eventual thyroid gland failure.

Bipolar disorder and depression/anxiety. The manic-depression was actually the hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism that characterizes

Asthma and chronic bronchitis requiring an inhaler

Chronic fatigue

Restless leg syndrome

Hyperlipidemia

Osteoarthritis, joint pain and stiffness

Chronic tendinitis in wrists

Adult acne

Early menopause at age 40

Brain fog

Around this time I had also lost half of my hair—thankfully I have thick hair so it still looked ok even though it was falling out in clumps.

For seven long years I went to the endocrinologist, got my thyroid (TSH) level tested and was always told it was “normal.”

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

0 notes

watsonrodriquezie · 6 years

Text

I Went From Having an Invisible Illness, Being Overweight, Depressed and Tired To Enjoying Robust Health!

By 2013 my diagnoses were:

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. This is an auto-immune disorder where your immune system attacks the thyroid, which untreated can lead to multiple issues and eventual thyroid gland failure.

Bipolar disorder and depression/anxiety. The manic-depression was actually the hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism that characterizes

Asthma and chronic bronchitis requiring an inhaler

Chronic fatigue

Restless leg syndrome

Hyperlipidemia

Osteoarthritis, joint pain and stiffness

Chronic tendinitis in wrists

Adult acne

Early menopause at age 40

Brain fog

Around this time I had also lost half of my hair—thankfully I have thick hair so it still looked ok even though it was falling out in clumps.

For seven long years I went to the endocrinologist, got my thyroid (TSH) level tested and was always told it was “normal.”

Want to make fat loss easier? Try the Definitive Guide for Troubleshooting Weight Loss for free here.

0 notes