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linkspooky · 1 year

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Jujutsu Kaisen, Chapter 220 Thoughts

Time for Gojo to come out of the box. As Gojo's allies gather together there's a lot that could be said in terms of what Gojo's unboxing, and coming back into the story will mean for future developments. In particular this chapter seems to be focusing on the individual vs the collective themes that are present all throughout Jujutsu Kaisen.

1. You Say that Like It's Easy

One thing I want to begin with before discussing the Gojo-related parts of the chapter, is to establish that Gojo's unboxing might not be the magic fix-all that characters assume it to be.

First, Jujutsu Kaisen is not a story where things are narratively easy. If you need an example just go back a few chapters, when it seemed like everyone in the culling game working together to finally free Tsumiki, this happens.

Hey, turns out she's possessed and there's no way of saving her. Not only was she possessed, but she's been possessed from the beginning and was merely pretending to be your sister, and you didn't even notice because you weren't paying close enough attention to the sister you're supposedly fighting to protect.

The words "Why did I assume...?" are important here.

Jujutsu Kaisen is unique among shonen manga, because it tends to punish characters who think and act like they're in a Shonen manga. For example, there are lots of shonen protagonists with evil sealed inside of them, Naruto and the Ninetailed Fox, Ichigo and Hichigo to name a few. However, when they lose control they tend to not permanently damage anyone. It's more of a "Hey, look at this cool uncontrollable power getting released". When Naruto goes full nine tailed fox mode nothing too bad happens, because the author generally doesn't want to get blood on the main characters hands.

In the first ten chapters of Jujutsu Kaisen, the manga starts out by establishing that Yuji is a one in a thousand years freak occurrence that can somehow manage to keep control of his body when Sukuna takes control. He also manages to switch between himself and Sukuna when Gojo wants to test Sukuna's powers in a fight.

Then when Megumi and Yuji face an opponent too difficult for either of them to fight, Yuji gets the idea of switching to Sukuna and making him fight the curse and taking control back when he's done. However, Yuji is punished for his assumption because he didn't understand the reason why he was easily able to switch back and forth when Gojo asked him to switch. Gojo established a binding vow in that moment that gave Yuji the extra boost he needed to regain control. Yuji assuming he can just switch back and forth no problem and use Sukuna as an easy out in situations, not only gets Yuji's own heart ripped out, it nearly gets Megumi killed.

Whenever characters think in story book tropes, they get punished. What I mean by that is exactly what Mahito points out to Yuji here, assuming you're the hero of some story and everything will work out the way it does in a storybook.

Jujutsu Kaisen goes out of is way to establish early on that "Jujutsu Sorcerers are not heroes." They're not really saving the day so much as they're barely surviving. The characters live in a very grey and nuanced world, however, a lot of the main characters tend to lean towards more black and white thinking because it's easier to think that way.

Yuji even says so, he's a cog he doesn't need to think about what his purpose might be. If you're a cog in a machine, or a character in a stage play following a script then you don't have to think and act for yourself. You don't have to self-reflect. In a world where most Jujutsu Sorcerers are forced to just, put their heads down and do their jobs it's inviting to think that way.

For example when Yuji is thanking Gojo and Megumi for giving him a role to play, he's employing narrative thinking. Yuji's basically spent the entire arc not thnking about anything. He doesn't want to think about whether he's responsible for Shibuya, because the weight is too much. He's not pursuing redemption or running away, he's just suicidal and trying to find a knife to throw himself on.

If Yuji can give himself over to angel to exorcise Sukuna, and then angel can bring Gojo out of the box because of that, then that means Yuji can finally die in some grand heroic gesture rather than live in the extremely harsh reality.

You could say narrative thinking is just escapism, why live in the real world when it's nothing but indifferent at best, and cruel at worst, when you can avoid that reality and pretend you're in a story where your actions have meaning. That is what Yuji has been searching for since the beginning of the story. A role to play. He tells Yaga he wants to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer and eat Sukuna's fingers because it gives him a greater role.

I've always been good at sports and fighting. But I've never once thought... that I was the only one who could do something. Consuming Sukuna... I know that's something only I can do.

So narrative thinking / escapism = bad. The goal of Jujutsu Kaisen after all, is to raise young people into strong adults who can survive in the world. In order to survive of course, you have to live in reality, you have to find a reason to keep going in the real world. A fantasy is always going to end eventually. Yuji's fantasy of being a hero was ruined when Sukuna rampaged on Shibuya. Megumi's fantasy of saving his sleeping sister from a coma, was ended when he didn't even recognize his sisters' body was stolen from her. In these cases, these characters are often blinded by their fantasy to the reality.

After all narratively we never get to meet Tsumiki, we only ever seen Megumi's version of her, that's present in his head, along with his longing to see her again. Tsumiki never once narrates her own story, we never see the story told from her perspective, Tsumiki might as well not even exist, she's been overwritten entirely by the memory Megumi had of her.

Tsumiki is just a story of a sleeping princess Megumi must wake up at this point. He even tells Tsumiki to go back to sleep and let him do all the work. The fantasy blinds him to the reality, not noticing or paying attention to the hints or his intution that Tsumiki might be acting off.

All of this to say, as excited as everyone is for Gojo's unboxing, it makes me nervous that the characters are once again treating Gojo like he's going to be a magic fix all.

Maki has a conversation with Ui Ui along those lines, that actually things are easier for them now because all they have to do is kill Kenjaku and Sukuna and everything is magically solved. However, Kenjaku isn't dangerous because he has Geto Suguru's body and therefore is a special class sorcerer. He's dangerous, because he's a good thinker and plotter.

Not only did he have years to plan this in advance, but in general instead of fighting situations head on he thinks around them. In that way, just blindly assuming that the way to defeat him is by fighting him, being stronger, and killing him seems like the worst possible way to deal with him. Kenjaku's not a danger to the kids because he's stronger than them, he's a danger because they're bad at strategizing and literally none of them are big picture thinkers.

This is something I've wanted to point out for awhile, but the problem with the kids in Jujutsu Kaisen isn't really that they're not strong enough. The main characters are pretty much all overpowered by this point, Yuta is a special class, Maki got two power upgrades in a row, Yuji somehow got even stronger after losing Sukuna, Choso doesn't have raw power but he's an isnanely good strategic thinker, Hakari has shown his jujutsu technique can take on the likes of Hajime and Yuta. Considering they also vastly outnumber Sukuna and Kenjaku, it's not really a problem of power levels at this point.

The problem is they're all followers, and not one of them has a head for strategy. Yuji literally called himself a cog. Yuta announced to Geto as he faced him in Zero that he actually has no idea what the world of Jujutsu is like, he just wants to protect his friends. The reason why Sukuna took Megumi's body in the first place, is because Sukuna had a long-term plan, whereas Megumi and Yuji just sort of assumed things would work out and did not try to plan around Sukuna's plan. He didn't overpower them, he outwitted them. Which is what brings me to my next point.

2. But you idiot, who's alone?

So, here's where I question whether or not Gojo's unboxing is a good thing. I'm not talking about "Is this good writing or not?" but rather narratively will Gojo being unboxed will lead to positive development in story or negative developments.

As I stated above, characters in story tend to believe that Gojo is a magical band-aid which once released will fix all of their problems.

Yes, Gojo is individually strong enough that he can take on Kenjaku or Sukuna in a fight and confidently win against them. However, if individual strength won every fight Gojo never would have been sealed in the first place.

Number one, narratively the whole purpose of the long stretched out culling games arc it to show all the characters learning to fight in the culling games without having Gojo Satoru around as a buffer. They needed to fight their own battles and grow in his absence. If they all, collectively as a group just decided their job was done once they unboxed him then that'd be negative character development.

Number two, Gojo is sort of the embodiment of the toxic individualism in Jujutsu Society even though he's also trying to subvert it. Gojo is really good at one thing, and that's killing what the higher ups point at and tell him to kill. Of course that's simplifying, but Gojo has subversive political ideas yeah, he wants to replace the higher ups with his own allies, he will throw his political weight around to help kids but Gojo ultimately still is a cog.

Gojo's a part of the society that he's fighting against, he draws all of his self-confidence and identity from the fact that he's the strongest, and he does more or less believe in might makes right philosophy. Gojo doesn't really want to deconstruct the idea of might makes right, or the toxic individualism of Jujutsu Society. What he's doing is raising kids that he hand picked, to be strong enough that he can put them in important political positions to support his regime.

Of course I'm not saying that Gojo should just burn down the whole world, I'm saying that Gojo's not able to fully pull himself away from the toxic individualism that makes up Jujutsu Society, because he's essentially both the central cog in that society, and the crutch holding up all of society on his shoulders.

If anything, Gojo's absence should have shown how wrong it is to have all of Jujutsu Society rely on one strong person, because it completely falls apart when he's gone.

A good part of this chapter is also devoted to characters who are not the overpowered main characters, and yet still made a contribution that helped with Gojo's unboxing.

Amai is more or less a scrub with a weak cursed technique, that Yuji didn't even remember the name of. Takaba is a joke character with literally no idea how his cursed technique works. If it were not for these two literal nobodies, then Gojos' unboxing would have completely failed. Hana is also, soeone who loses most of her power and is only able to contribute one thing that the whole group needs.

Amai tells Yuji that he's too weak willed to stand up to bullies, not only when he was being beaten up by them, but when they bullied other people he didn't care and just hid behind them. He's extremely weak willed and yet someone like him made a contribution that Yuji wasn't able to do.

These things go very much against Gojo's very toxic idea that all of society rests on his shoulders, or in the hands of a few powerful people.

It's another contradiction within Gojo's character. He assumes he's fundamentally alone, because he's the strongest looking down on others and therefore no one can ever understand what it's like to be him. However, it's Gojo himself who chooses to look down on others.

Which is what Shoko says this chapter. Gojo's not actually alone. There's plenty of people around him, trying to be there for him, Gojo just chooses not to see them. Gojo willfully isolates himself because he's been taught that is strength places him above others and he's internalized that.

It's why he placed his friendship with Geto on such a high pedestal, for awhile because they were the strongest together Gojo knew what it was like to have an equal. With Geto gone even if Shoko's right next to him it doesn't matter.

Which is what makes this scene so touching, that there are people who want to be in Gojo's life if he'd just let them be... and also so hilarious because Shoko's just telling Gojo he needs to get over himself. If the story is following its themes of the individual versus the collective though, it won't be Gojo who saves the day here, but the students he's fostered to be strong enough that they don't need him anymore.

#jjk meta #gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen meta #jujutsu kaisen spoilers #shoko ieri #itadori yuji #megumi fushiguro #jujutsu kaisen theory

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raayllum · 8 months

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I love how we are basically opposites on the whole theory thing :

You predict plot points by making jokes that end up coming true

meanwhile me and my overdramatic mind obssesses over dark scenarios that would never fit into 9 episodes and then I'm surprised when they don't happen XD

Listen as long as you're enjoying what you're doing, I say have all the fun you want in fanon and taking insp from canon! That's the best part sometimes! <3

Although I have some things that started out as jokes that ended up being canon (my absolute favourite of which being this joke I made about Ezran in 2x04 that was then an actual thing in the s2 novelization) the weirdest thing for me has been like... the ultra specific thing / things I thought would be more metaphorical that ended up being more literal

AKA a list in no particular order

Me assuming since Through the Moon came out that Callum would inevitably play into Aaravos's hands and that the struggle to not do so would be his main conflict in arc 2 (which looking back, the possession plot line seems so thematically obvious I am genuinely a little sheepish I didn't see it coming)

The game motif being my favourite motif and then s4 fucking Delivered it was beautiful

Viren's atonement arc because of his eye symbolism

That the rune cube placement could be trusted to foreshadow things, specifically the Ocean rune in finding the prison and in foreshadowing Callum's dark magic use

Me going "Hey wouldn't it be Fucked Up if whatever comes out of the cocoon is like a child version of Aaravos?" (hi Sir Sparklepuff my beloved)

For that matter: that Aaravos would ask one of the mage fam to kill Sir Sparklepuff for a deep magic spell, and that they'd refuse to do so

Callum's interplay with freedom being too tethered to Rayla that I banked on her eventually being taken hostage and Callum doing morally ambiguous shit to save her like 3+ years in advance

Seeing Callum's S4 design for the first time and noting that the circlets around his wrists invoke chain symbolism but thinking "Nah him and Rayla being in chains like tarot cards will just be metaphoric right". Haha, no!

Ezran as the embodiment of Justice / the series' Witness (hell yeah thank you 4x03 & TOX for making Justice his highest value)

Predicting Rayla's entire arc 2 arc thus far re: her paranoid and restless nature being what puts them on the path to finding Viren and her wanting a rematch, the coins, and her self worth issues, written March 2020 (months before TTM came out)

Callum and Viren as each other's primary foils (begun before this but started being highlighted further from Nov 2019 onwards with specifically thinking that S4, as opposed to s3, would crank it up to an 11)

Rayla and Callum's whole ass light-dark motif that I thought would be a fun consistency in the background rather than a whole ass arc defining Thing

Characterization wise but Ezran as an Enneagram Nine The Peacemaker personality wise (once again thank u 4x03)

Back in Aug 2021 I noticed that bloodbending had thematic similarities to dark magic (in terms of framing, notions of control & agency) but again, didn't think it'd amount to literal likewise puppeteering (Aaravos is/was even imprisoned like Hama too!)

Seeing parallels between dark magic and thematic/metaphorical cannibalism / positing Aaravos as a cannibal in a fic I wrote in 2019 but never ever thinking it'd be more than metaphorical bc kids show, am I right? (when I tell you I screamed)

Like 3 weeks post s3 I came up with Political Trio Theory in which Ezran and Rayla are at odds about something and Callum is caught in the middle, as he agrees more with Rayla but feels like he should side more with Ezran, which an Ezran / trio centric conflict along those lines seems to be what we're going to get personally with Runaan / the coins in future seasons

Which, not only is it mostly to keep my English major-y brain sharp and my enclosure enriched (parallels are my perpetual hamster wheel), but it's also like... obviously predicting from theme/motifs isn't perfect, but it does mean you have all the right pieces. Then it just comes from running through the options to assemble what the puzzle might look like, & also thinking through the constraints of structure and run time (ergo I wasn't surprised when Callum didn't figure out the mirror himself in early S4 cause I just didn't think the show would have time for that kind of slow build).

Like following S2 I never really thought Callum's journey with dark magic was precisely over, firstly because I saw him absolutely as someone who would do dark magic / things he morally is against again if put in the exact circumstances he was in S5 (hence the CHET predictions post up above), but also because as our primary mage character and with dark magic being the core ethical dilemma for mage characters in the show, it just didn't make sense to assume that it'd be entirely resolved with a neat little bow 2/6 (since at the time we thought it'd be 6 seasons) in. Like - what? So that's something from an analytical standpoint of characterization, theme, and structure, for example, and TDP gives us a decent amount of time to get used to all those things especially in the first three seasons and then we can kind of build our predictions neatly from there.

So what usually happens is that I'll have a passing thought / gut reaction, think "huh maybe it's something," and then actually think about it for like 2 days to 2 weeks and realize that it loops back in with a lot of other stray thoughts and that there's something Substantial there. It never stops being wild

Anyway this was definitely way too long a response so TLDR; I'm always pleasantly surprised / excited whenever I predict anything correctly and also adore when the show throws me a curve ball (hi Terry <3), and the fun of theorizing (and sometimes throwing spaghetti at the wall) for me comes down to the themes and parallels and fun (fanon if nothing else) possibilities I can find. I love writing meta, speculative or purely analytical, even if/when they're often time consuming. My instincts haven't steered me too 'wrong' with TDP thus far, and I don't think they ever will!

#predictions achieved #tdp #the dragon prince #thanks for asking #firerose #masterpost #arc 1 #arc 2 #that said i did always think if claudia was going to have a partner it should be something tethered to the earth/nature in some way #bc of her mindset(s) and bc of her nature motif in her character design #so terry was both a surprise but not entirely unexpected on that level i suppose. i just never thought she'd have a canon partner #mini meta #analysis series #analysis

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tavyliasin · 4 months

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ATG 7 - Love? Lust.

In which the devil gets his due...

Pairing: Raphael/Haarlep SPICE Rating: 4.5/5 I pulled it from my soul somehow (side note I should review this rating considering my later works, this was at the time of writing) Content Warnings: Sex, rough sex, BDSM, Bondage, Anger, power play, mild choking,

Spoilers Act 3, House of Hope area and character appearance of Haarlep Canon Compliance Canon Level "Hahaha! NO." (Please read that as Haarlep in that scene.) - The only canon is in the backstory of Raphael and Haarlep's relationship and their dynamics. It is chaotic to me how we don't see them share the screen but I can feel their whole hate/lust dynamic. Other Notes (From the original time of posting) Sometimes you just want an indulgent chapter to take off the brakes and let it roll right into the chaos because 2 fiends keep staring at you from the dark corner of your brain waiting to get laid while Tav indulges in the nice soft chapters. This one is dedicated to everyone else who went utterly hingeless when they met Haarlep, they are my favourite bitch and I love them forever. This is also a contrast to the previous chapter where our 2 mains choose love over lust together, there's absolutely no love here. That's not how these two like to play. And that's fine, it works for them like this. ADDITIONAL NOTE - This was the first piece I wrote for Raphael and Haarlep, that solidified the brainrot for both. I found writing their interactions positively intoxicating and have not wanted to stop since. Song/Mood Phantom by NateWantsToBattle "Make no mistake, I'll break you down (Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh) Shout it around town I'm not what you want But I'm exactly what you need Take a bite and feed Your satisfaction guaranteed. I'm your sunshine, whoa I'm gonna burn down your parade I'm a shooting star That wish you wished you never made"

----- FULL CHAPTER BELOW THE CUT -----

Another impossible slam of an ethereal portal almost startled the demon reclining on silk sheets. They smirked. This was going to be an amusing evening.

The slammer of the door, however, had no such look on his face. His brows were lowered, that little vein on his forehead almost visibly throbbing beneath his skin, the physical heat of his rage warming the room by several degrees. An impressive feat given the mansion was in Avernus, one of the literal Nine Hells, with a…well, perhaps not beautiful but at least in some ways breathtaking view of fields of lava from the open balcony door.

With a gesture, Raphael dismissed the portal fully, the shimmering mist dissolving into nothing. He gazed at his likeness, looking at him over the top of a wine glass. No, not looking. Haarlep was judging him again.

"I'm in no mood for your insolence, Harlot ." He spat the insult from tight lips, yet still approached the bed and sat beside his devilish double. Even whilst still in his human form, the resemblance was remarkable, and if Raphael decided to transform into his true fiendish body then it would be almost like looking in a mirror. Almost . Somehow Haarlep made his own form just a little more alluring, a little too perfect, perhaps. He had no doubt this was all a part of the game the incubus liked to play, so he pictured the board and moved his pawns like always.

"I thought you'd be happy!" Haarlep laughed, offering a fresh glass to their cambion companion as they echoed his own voice. "Didn't you get exactly what you wanted?"

"Yes. No. Fuck you. "

"Hah! Now that's a good one." The incubus shifted their physical body to the form of the Archduchess, a twisted feminine version of Raphael, to give him an extra sultry gaze. "Fuck me yourself, if you dare."

"Insolent little… How easily you forget that I outrank you." Raphael took the wine and drained it in one gulp, throwing the empty vessel unceremoniously across the room.

"Temper, temper~" Haarlep purred, shifting their body back to the masculine form and leaning over Raphael. To make a point, he assumed. "You might outrank me out there , but that's not how things work in here and you know that." They pressed a clawed hand against Raphael's human chest, their weight bearing down for a moment with intense strength, before releasing the grip and drifting their hand to his chin instead. "Now, how about you tell me what happened, hmm? I've been dying to hear how it went."

"As if you weren't scrying the entire time." The human formed devil muttered darkly, shifting slightly where he lay, feeling uncomfortably warmer from being so close to his partner. "But if you must hear a bedtime story then so be it. She took the bait, almost too easily, and I gave them what they wanted."

"Naturally, you give them a taste," Haarlep punctuated the pause in their words with a tongue running up Raphael's ear before whispering the rest, "so now they'll crave more."

The demon ached as the incubus pulled away again, plucking a grape from the bunch and devouring it. Oh to be that grape- "Yes yes all according to plan. Whet their appetite, give them reason to trust, and reel them in with something much bigger."

"You're certain they can get what you want?" Haarlep raised an eyebrow, genuinely unsure this time. Something that didn't happen often with the cocky bastard.

"If they make it out of Moonrise and past Ketheric in one piece, then yes."

"And if they don't?" The incubus ran a clawed finger up the inside of his leg this time, trying to steal his ability to speak with the building desire, the achingly slow tease of everything they did.

Fuck, even their slutty harness is too- He stopped the thought, realising the pause was giving his lover everything they wanted. Too easily. "If they don't then Korilla owes me 5 soul coins, so either way I win."

"Should I be praising how astute your gamble is?" Haarlep's tone grew more mocking.

"Should I be praising how lustful you are? I know I have them right where I want them." He growled.

Haarlep began to loosen his fine silk clothes, nimble fingers finding ways to tease even with this. "And yet here you are, absolutely furious. Why? Do you think the Little Mouse might bite?"

Raphael clenched his fists in an involuntary display of rage. "If she does," he hissed through gritted teeth, "she will meet her end at my claws."

"Ahh there it is. Finally. You want to have your cake and eat it too."

"She's almost as infuriating as you are."

"My, my, Archduke , do you finally have eyes for someone besides yourself?" Haarlep was sounding more amused by the second, clearly enjoying seeing the fiend so riled up.

"Obviously not," he lied, "I'd like to take her down a peg. Maybe three, come to think of it."

"Well you can't risk damaging your toy before you have what you want, can you~" Haarlep purred, discarding the ruffled shirts that had now been removed. "Oh, your real form, if you please."

Doing as he was bidden automatically, Raphael's body almost instantly shifted to his demonic form, horns rising in twisted shapes above fiery crimson skin, and his still neat and chestnut brown hair barely changing. "Of course I can't break her , but there has to be some way- You've heard how she speaks to me, haven't you? I know too well you sit there scrying like I'm putting on a play for your amusement."

"Well of course, I am your biggest fan ," Haarlep sneered, the subtle insult not unnoticed yet remaining unchallenged as the power balance continued to shift in their favour. It always did. "Perhaps you should try another co-star on your stage. I can't say I'm not curious either, it is so entertaining watching her sharp tongue match wits with yours."

"Careful, Harlot , you are here by my grace alone , remember?"

"Hah! Grace? That's what you call it? No." Haarlep snatched up his throat in their claws, almost cutting into the flesh with the pressure, eyes alight with more than the usual fire. "And you will call me by my name, now, Archduke ."

The title was a snub, and Raphael knew it, but the incubus had a hold on him in more ways than one. "Fine, Haarlep ," he gasped, the pressure finally relieving just slightly. "There's barely any difference anyway." He averted his eyes just for a moment. Wrong move.

"You will look at me when addressing me," their hand was now gripping Raphael's chin savagely, "and I am not beyond silencing that rude little tongue of yours either."

Barely a moment after letting go of his face, Haarlep had straddled the devil's chest, pressing his heated and leather bound underwear to the lips of his furious lover. The game had truly begun now.

Raphael's teeth sunk into the leather, piercing it just enough to elicit a wanton howl from Haarlep who grabbed the back of his head and pulled him away. "Only bite if you're prepared to be bitten."

The challenge stood heavy and pointed, as they released Raphael once more, one of their hands slipping behind them to start loosening his trousers. Their tail was already curling around his ankle, a further dare to drive him damn near insane. Without words, he pulled aside the lower parts of the leather harness, - hands gripping them slightly too perfect thighs - and pulling Haarlep into his mouth.

The incubus moaned, the usual performance, but oh how they did enjoy it more when they got what they wanted. Raphael could be so plain unless they really riled him up. Anger and lust, it seemed, were excellent bedfellows. Like pleasure and pain, they mused as teeth raked along their length eliciting another wanton moan, the perfect balanced meal.

Raphael had no intention of giving in to everything his reflection desired, but he couldn't deny how good it felt. The incubus had connected them by taking his form, a hellish contract binding them, so he could feel everything. Not only could he feel his own throat beginning to burn as Haarlep's hips pressed agonisingly forwards, he could feel the sensation of lips around himself.

This was the caveat of the deal, naturally. Giving release to the incubus would also give him his own, but that meant the bastard would win, again , and that simply could not stand. Just as he felt the pressure begin to rise, he dug his teeth and claws in just enough to bring it back.

"Oh so you want to play it that way, do you?" Haarlep hissed, dragging Raphael's head back and pressing his head firmly to the pillow. "Ironic, isn't it, that you insist on such plush silk comforts when what you really want-" the incubus raised their hand in the air, a thin whip-like vine appearing in their grip, "is far from comfort at all."

The whip cracked in the air, thin red lightning dancing along the length, as Haarlep rose from above Raphael, already preparing the next spell. Thicker vines now curled up from beneath the bed. Before they found their mark, however, Haarlep unceremoniously flipped Raphael over with a deft movement, pressing his face into the pillow now as the vines wrapped and secured wrists and ankles.

The demon lay face down on his own bed, by all appearances utterly helpless, his legs spread apart and his arms crossed and bound behind his back. His wings were held apart to reveal parts of his bare back, bound very precisely to keep them where they were out of the way of the incubus' designs. Only his cambion tail remained free, until, of course, Haarlep grabbed hold of it and pulled.

"You look so much better like this, Archduke ," they laughed, bringing the whip down between his shoulder blades with practiced ease. Raphael moaned into the pillow, unable to form words to respond. "And you sound better, too."

Each sting of electric pain was not enough to do harm, no it would take far more than this to actually wound a Cambion of his rank, but still Raphael felt the exquisite agony. They had danced this dance for countless centuries, but even from the beginning the incubus knew exactly how to work his body. Of course they would , he thought between muffled groans as the whip struck true across his body whilst a clawed hand reached down between his legs, they're a fucking pleasure fiend.

Haarlep grinned wickedly. This was a perfect evening, watching the powerful Raphael melt into silk sheets, building up the pleasure then leaving him wanting and squirming beneath them. They felt it all, and they felt so much more. Each little wanton whimper was like another plate at a buffet, a banquet of delicacies that they were cooking for themselves. A greedy chef, perhaps, but they had to feed. Might as well season it perfectly, they mused to themselves, licking their fingers in anticipation.

Some days Raphael wondered how the bed beneath him did not burst into flame, either with the anger or the lust. This was certainly one of those days. He was white hot, tense, when the incubus' finger entered. He damn near moaned the bitch's name in that instant, but he held on stubbornly forbidding them from taking everything quite so easily. Futile, in the end, but his pride kept the fight going.

Accepting the unspoken challenge, Haarlep cast the whip aside, plunging a second finger inside their partner and pulling hard on his tail, relishing the deepened groan it drew forth. "You will be calling my name soon enough, Archduke , but you can keep fighting if you must."

Their fingers curled, finding their mark, removing his breath and turning his mind almost empty as he pressed against the sheets, writhing for any moment of friction, desperate for more. Fuck , was about the only thought that found purchase in his brain.

Haarlep continued the torment, switching between pulling, biting, and occasionally kissing the Cambion's tail - though there was not a hint of affection from the touch of their lips - and raking their claws along his spine, gripping the back of his neck, and pulling at that oh so neat hair. Yes, they thought delightedly, this is the best view of him, wanton, struggling, desperately full of desire. They drank in the heat, prolonging every moment to savour the meal spread before them. Literally, spread, they grinned to themselves, whatever would the little mouse think to see the mighty predator brought to ruin.

Just as Raphael was at the edge of that daunting yet exhilarating cliff, the incubus pulled back once more, leaving him infuriatingly empty. "No." He hissed into the pillow, barely audible. "No stopping."

"My my, it seems someone has forgotten who is in charge again." The vines holding the cambion pulled wickedly, snaking now around his hips and forcing them up until he was on his knees. Haarlep had moved behind him now, leaning down over him until their chest pressed against his arms, voice hot near his ear. "You will call my name. You will beg before we are through."

There was nothing gentle nor loving about the embrace of two fiends in the heat of pure lust. There never would be, never could be, it simply wasn't in their nature to do anything but this. The battle, the fight, wits and bodies pitted against each other in an endless back and forth until something broke.

Raphael's mind nearly did as the demon behind him thrust inside, chuckling darkly at the gasp that escaped before he could stop it.

"Good," the incubus growled, biting down on the back of his neck before continuing, "feel it, all of it. Feel you , just like you wanted."

Savage teeth bore down on hot skin again, Haarlep's muscular chest crushing Raphael's wings and arms against his back. But fuck did it feel good. He bit down on the pillow himself, almost feeling it like it was his own neck in his mouth. Exactly what they intended , he might have thought, had a hand not found purchase between his legs. A savage grip began to work him harder now, timed perfectly to the brutal thrust of hips, the sound of skin on skin filling his ears as every muscle began to tense from the sheer overwhelming sensations. Fucking, being fucked, skilled fingers finding every extra nerve as lips and tongue and teeth caressed tender flesh.

"Please, Haarlep- " the words left Raphael's lips unbidden and with infuriating ease. Just as promised he had been drawn to this, begging, writhing, desperately on the edge.

"I told you so." The echo of his own voice dark in his ear was swiftly followed by a harmony of exquisite moans as the final thrusts drove both of them into a mindsplitting climax.

All control had been ceded, the incubus had snatched yet another victory from the pride of the so-called Master of the House , the satisfaction as overwhelming as the frustration was to be left both filled and entirely empty as the vines began to recede.

"Now, doesn't that feel better? You played so well, I do hope you go and visit your Little Mouse again soon. Perhaps I should send her some flowers? A fruit basket?" Haarlep laughed, already strolling towards the huge open pool of a bath on the other side of the room.

"You are truly insufferable." Raphael resisted the urge to add the insulting nickname as he rubbed feeling back into aching limbs, working up the strength to use his legs again. "But I will have her, one way or another."

"Will you now?" The incubus called back, sinking into the luxurious waters scented with cinnamon and cherries. A little hint of the aromas that mingled from each when they were close. "I do hope you at least let me watch ."

Raphael tested his weight on his legs, before resigning himself to sit a little longer. "I have half a mind to hand her over to you, just to teach her a lesson."

"Hah! What's this now? Don't think you can handle a scary little mouse?" Haarlep's musical laugh echoed around the room, ever more infuriating.

"No, she's just not worth my effort."

"I suppose we shall see, then. If they ever make it to the city, of course."

"I have a feeling they will…" Raphael's mind was beginning to wander again, half tempted to scry himself to keep an eye on that improbable group of misfits.

"Won't that mean you lose your money to the little bitch you have watching them?"

"It won't matter," Raphael replied, one clawed hand rubbing his aching neck, "the prize they can bring me will be worth far more than a handful of damned souls."

----------- ----------- ENDING NOTES ----------- -----------

From the original work: ---

I'll note here that usually in BDSM you would have aftercare following something intense, but the amount of time these 2 have been together and with their whole dynamic it feels like Raphael would find the idea insulting. However, when he eventually is able to walk straight, or perhaps fly across to the healing pool, Haarlep is ready and waiting to shampoo his hair and soothe any lingering aches and wounds.

Haarlep is a responsible Dom, is what I'm saying, Raph is just a brat sub-leaning switch vers to his core so he's not going to enjoy much softness unless it is very specifically on his terms.

I'm dying to write more of these 2 as well, and don't worry Tav will get her turn to truly dance with these devils. Oh the ideas I have, darlings, would make more than a blacksmith blush. Whether I find that power within my dark soul to put them to words remains to be seen, of course...we shall try. For you, loves. --- And I did exactly that! I do so love looking back on these notes from a mere few months past, where I was still stumbling through the new wilderness before finding I was always meant to be here~ Now, the new notes? I still adore this chapter, it's the perfect mirror opposite of the last one where Astarion and Tav explore the importance of Love while leaving Lust aside. Raphael and Haarlep have no need for Love when hedonistic Lust satisfies both of their needs. Which is not to say they shun all emotion, far from it, they just have a very different attitude to sex and relationships. It's a different world for fiends who live thousands of years~

Oh, and as a special treat...some LiArt~

Until next chapter - oh, and the next chapter for those who haven't read before on AO3? That's the Tav x Emperor chapter~

#baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #haarlep #bg3 raphael #bg3 fanfiction #fanfic #a tav's guide #act 3 spoilers #bg3 spoilers #LiArt #aka art by Lia that is really pushing the limits of what can be described as art #but people keep encouraging/enabling it so here we are...

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this-is-z-art-blog · 5 months

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Hello, I’d like to join Eight Ecto Nights, however I’ve never celebrated Hanukah and I suppose I wanted to ask someone who actually has. I’ll do my own reserch of course, but you seemed like a good place to start.

Is there any particular traditions or little things your family does that you might not see on a wikipedia? Is the mood usually as jolly as Christmas or is it more sedated?

beyond that, is there anything you’d particularly like to see in this event?

I hope that makes sence 😆 thank you for answering my questions

Howdy! First of all, welcome aboard eight ecto nights :D

Second, absolutely feel free to ask me questions. I love talking about this stuff, and I know doing independent research can be overwhelming when you don't know what questions you're trying to ask. If you're looking for research help, chabad.org has a lot of the traditional details and laws (here's their hanukkah page), and myjewishlearning.com has a more modern/egalitarian bend (here's their hanukkah intro)- that said, I'm totally open to asks or dms, hit me up!

Now to actually answer your questions. Disclaimer, a lot of this is just my own experience, not universal or the only 'right' way to do it.

In my family we light the menorahs from oldest to youngest. We all have a favorite menorah we tend to light year after year, but we also collect them, and often have a small party on one of the later nights where we invite friends and family to come light with us, so it's handy to have extras on hand. We use the regular boxes of hanukkah candles you can get at any grocery store for most nights, but on the very last my dad gets these beautiful taller candles with gradients of color to use.

When the kids in our family were younger, we'd often sit on the floor in front of the candles after lighting to play dreidel (a kind of spun top with Hebrew letters standing for the phrase nes gadol haya sham, 'a great miracle happened there', around the sides; which side lands facing up determines the outcome of your turn), and my mom still gives out bags of gelt (chocolate coins, typically in bright foil, that you win and lose in a game of dreidel) most nights.

Some other odds and ends we do include covering the hanukkhia-lighting table in aluminum foil (fire safety) and giving out different jobs (like setting up the candles for everyone before we start).

I wouldn't describe it as "jolly", but I'm probably not the right person to ask to compare something to Christmas. It's a fun holiday for sure, and one of my favorites; you have the lights, the festive foods, the gifts and surprises, the time together. It's not just about that though; it's about survival, and standing up to oppression and religious persecution, so there are more serious elements to telling and thinking about the story. That said, it's a pretty minor holiday.

In terms of things I'd love to see, first and foremost I just want to see what people make! The point of open-ended prompts is interpretation, after all. Whether you draw the characters singing hanukkah songs, write about them making their own menorahs, sculpt a ghost-themed dreidel, or something entirely different, I'm excited to see it!

Also, I hope people have a good grasp of what a menorah looks like. A hanukkah menorah, or hanukkiah, has nine total candle or oil holders (either is good, but candles are more common than oil lights). The eight main ones are placed from right to left, and lit from left to right (ie, newest first) by the ninth, the shamash or helper light. The shape of the menorah can get creative, as long as the eight holiday lights are in a straight, level line and the shamash is set apart (usually taller).

As a last thought, it would be nice to see an effort at IDs for image-based posts for the event; it's not hanukkah specific, but I've been seeing them more and more in the phandom, and it's lovely to see folks learning and trying to make the community increasingly accessible!

Let me know if you have more questions, on or off anon, via ask or dm, I am here to help!

#eight ecto nights 2023 #danny phantom #dp events #judaism #not art #z.answer #anon #eight ecto nights

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screechhermit · 16 days

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Earthbread Mechanics - Combat 1/?

So first post of many here. I'll say this now, most of the posts about this will not be in order as they're just going to be whatever is on my mind at the time. Today its some aspects of combat. Some of these ideas are pulled from a bunch of different places with a lot of them coming from Kingdom as its the main game with combat, and I haven't played Tower yet, so I'll get into the stuff I'm pulling from there first.

Attacking

In theory each Cookie would have a class(charge, defense, magic, etc) with this only really effecting the skills and what toppings they should use(I'll get into those in a bit). Outside of that Cookies would all have a main melee attack along with a ranged/magic attack depending on the Cookie.

Toppings

So Toppings, another bit from Kingdom yes I know, but I find them as interesting as a mechanic. In essence they function the same as Artifacts from Genshin but we aren't going there. Anyway in this hypothetical game they would function the same way that they do in Kingdom. You'd equip a max of five to your Cookie, with each kind having differing effects on stats.

Resonant Toppings

Additionally I want to touch on Resonant Toppings briefly. I love the idea of them, with sets meant for specific groups of Cookies. However, I feel that Kingdom initially kind of dirty, with Moonkissed and Trio Toppings both being no longer available yet we can still get Tropical Rock, Draconic, Sea Salt, etc. Even in limited amounts they are still available to us. In this case I would imagine the different varieties would simply only be obtainable depending on the region of the world. Moving on!

Crystal Jams

So I have an issue with their inclusion into Kingdom. While in concept they are very cool, honestly would've preferred for Legendary Cookies to just have Magic Candies. However I don't want to remove them outright because there is an aspect I like about them for use in a party style of combat. These being the Rally Effects they have when a Cookie possessing one is in your party. An item in game that provides buffs to your whole party is very fun. But changing them from their form in Kingdom is how to obtain them and how they would be used. Firstly I'd keep them in their first stage form as the simpler design just looks nicer. I'll go more into them in another post as this is getting long as is.

Elements

So this aspect is something I just find fun for games sake. It does also make strategies for what Cookies to have on your party. Having Elements assigned to Cookies in an open world rpg does feel very cliche but it also just feels correct to me to include.

Elements can tie into so many other aspects of gameplay in a variety of ways. Plus they're also just fun to look at, all the pretty colors and fun symbols for each one. I do find it interesting that of the ones currently in the game, they all seem to tie into an Ancient, Legendary, or Dragon Cookie. So putting that into the context of the other three Ancients, four Dragons, and the other nine Legendaries, it leaves a lot of gaps in the Elements to get filled. Sleep for Moonlight Cookie, Wind for Wind Archer Cookie obviously. I could see some kind of Space or Star Element for Xylitol Nova Cookie and the likely four other Nova Cookies. We all know its inevitable, Devsis loves to release higher rarity Cookies in sets of five. This isn't even considering the Beast Cookies yet. But that's for another post.

With all of those thoughts planted into the realm of Tumblr for all to see, I bid you all a good evening as its getting late on my end as I type this. Thank You and Goodnight!

#cookie run #cookie run kingdom #cookie run witch’s castle #cookie run tower of adventures

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prowerprojects · 10 months

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(Modern Tails anon) {Don't worry, I totally get the need to vent. We all have our feelings on things, I'll try to my best to follow up with my own word vomit.} Heh, as long as he's doing something other than typing on a pad, that's seems to be enough for some people. /s (Archie didn't exactly do him better either; with everything else that was going on in it, but at least he had a few personal shining moments in it. IDW, Modern really hasn't had a definitive story yet. One that covers all his aspects and show his future potential, not just smarts and gadgets.)

Probably doesn't help that characters with superpowers tend to have a bias, compared to more "normal" ones. (I mean, Tails isn't normal either, but I think you get what I mean. Kid genius trope struggles.)

Hmmm, probably have to chalk that up to SoA localization changes; which omit the whole bullying thing and downplayed his inventor aspects pre-Adventure/Sonic X. Early cartoons playing hard into the 'kid' side didn't help either. (Underground completely removing him for real siblings certainly was a choice after AOSTH and SatAM went on about him and Sonic being surrogate brothers. At least the OVA balanced everything.)

Yeah, some are missing the point why Nine is the way he is and his current arc. As curious as I am about potentially seeing a "main antagonist" Tails, I can't help but feel it might hinder Modern Tails' outlook more or give even further wrong impressions of his character, especially in tangent to Sonic. (Frontiers is just words until we see what happens passed this game onward. I did sneak a look at the DLC leaks, and well, let's just say a certain trend of his we keep joking about continues and leave it at that. xD)

This is what I also mean about him interacting with other characters. How would he be as THEIR partner for a while? What if he took leadership and inspire others, just like Sonic has. What does he learn from those experiences? Considering he doesn't have personal contempt for most characters, him being mostly neutral allows him to talk virtually with everyone rather civilly. Including Eggman's robots. (Ah, someone else with the Tails and Sage vision. xD I'm hoping with their similarities, it leads to a cool dymanic between them, I don't quite see them fighting each other as much as Sonic and Eggman do.)

Heh, we don't talk about Sonic's admiration of Tails very much, or how they keep each other centered and it often leads to that lopsided view. Yeah, Sonic 'raised' Tails; more as guidance than the traditional parental sense, but Tails is one of the main reasons why Sonic is still alive. Sonic values Tails' opinion, even if it doesn't always align with his. His support and planning is why Sonic can succeed in his heroism. (Sonic isn't dumb by any means and can handle himself well, BUT can you say his adventures would have gone smoothly or quickly without Tails' help? Do you not think he enjoys Tails' company regardless and supports him with all his heart? Do you think why the dude who generally prefers solitude considers this fox close enough to be described as his family? Their bond has multiple layers, years of trust and is still evolving. Focusing and giving all the credit to one side of the team is disingenuous to both.)

Thanks, anon!

I wonder if idw would do something with Tails at all... maybe in a couple of years we'll see. I have other thoughts on idw, but I should stop myself because thinking about it too long is a bit upsetting. (I wrote an entire paragraph about him in the Metal Virus but. I should really stop thinking about it)

I'm really hoping we get a Tails-centric story in that 900 issues special, and if not, at least have him be a supporting character for someone he doesn't usually interact with much (so basically anybody who isn't Sonic). I looked at the list of the writers and I honestly have no idea who I'd want to write for him, since a lot of them only did a couple of sonic stories at most.

Technically Tails does have superpowers, he can fly and he's fast... but a good chunk of the cast also has those, so it isn't something that seems so special anymore. So he only has him being a kid genius to set him apart and yeah, I guess it isn't as awe-inspiring as being able to throw cars with your mind or set things on fire.

Yep. What I was trying to say in the last post, is Tails's backstory being kind of hard to figure out just from playing the game is the reason why the western adaptations were able to change him so much in the first place. (At least that's what I meant by "that's how we ended up with Tailses who thought math was hard"). Though maybe if those adaptations did have his game backstory elements being more prominent somehow, it would have created a different image of Tails for a lot of people in the west...

Interesting that the bullying thing was included in Stay Sonic, which is what the Fleetway comics is (partially) based on, and it is a part of his backstory in the comic as well. His bullies were other foxes, just like in Origins/Prime. (Kid genius thing was not included though, hence "Pixel Brain")

(Also it's interesting that aosth started to bring in some of the aspects of his game characterization by the second half of the show. The whole episode dedicated to him being a genius, and then his technological abilities do occasionally come up later on, him fanboying over a pilot and flying a plane in another episode, people occasionally commenting on how freaky it is that he has two tails, stuff like that)

Honestly I don't know what else I could add on the Nine thing, I genuinely don't believe he would be the final antagonist. If he does end up as one, I have no idea what it says about the actual Prime Tails, how are we meant to read it? (Also I just generally have a bit of a distaste for how fandoms would see a traumatized and hurting kid, who is maybe kind of angsty and isn't the best at managing their feelings, and immediately go "Oh evil! They're soooo gonna be a villain!" I understand it could be really cathartic to see a character who's been wronged and hurt to turn the tables and be unhinged and calling the shots, but 1) often in the end it ends up being self-destructive behavior, 2) while it could be cathartic for some viewers, and technically it's a plot that has a right to exist, the fact that it's a trend that I've noticed makes me feel like people associate mentally ill teenagers with being evil, which is not great (though maybe I'm reading too much into this), 3) I just genuinely think this isn't where Prime is going)) Tails could make for a terrifying antagonist, I'm just really struggling to imagine what could actually drive him to villainy.

Tails and Sage... my first thought was "Oh they're definitely gonna make them rivals. Considering that Tails used to battle Eggman, isn't that a bit of a downgrade?" But then I actually started thinking about it, and now I want it. I have some ideas, but the actual dynamic would really depend on where they take both of those characters after Frontiers. But it could be really interesting, and more importantly, different from the rivalries that we already have!

Yes, Sonic and Tails! As much as I would love for Tails to interact with other characters, he and Sonic do have a great dynamic together. Honestly I don't think I have anything to add. It reminded me of the recent Sonic Channel story, at the end Sonic says something along the lines of Eggman being the unluckiest person in the world because of all the people not to lose their memory, it was the two of them, which means he's definitely going down!

#sonic doesn't look before he leaps not because he's reckless he just knows tails would catch him #tails #hmmm I wouldn't call this one a rant #I've chilled out #project.txt #miles tails prower #tails the fox #sonic #how much sonic trusts tails is amazing to me #it really balances out tails's own admiration of sonic #i feel like being friends for so long had influenced sonic as well. the not looking before leaping thing from before was a joke but #I do think that knowing that he always has tails in his corner does influence some of his decision-making

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technicolor-technopath · 3 months

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"Nine people you want to know better" tag game

tagged by @gryptids, thank you el!! Last Song: i don't uh listen to music and i know this wasn't the last song i heard but my partner was playing Pomegranate Seeds by Julian Moon in the car yesterday Favorite Color: I don't subscribe to the scarcity model of loving colors but I usually say green or purple, unless I'm in a red mood. Last Movie/TV Show: last movie was puss in boots: the last wish which was rad as hell. also working through demon slayer (in the entertainment district arc) and dungeon meshi and loving every second. i thought there was another dm episode out already so i sat down to watch it with my lunch but it doesn't come out til tomorrow :'( Sweet/Spicy/Savory: savoryyyyyyy. i think a lot of people oversweeten sweet foods tbh, and besides that, i'm just overall an umami bitch Relationship Status: five years and counting. fucking wild how long that is Last Thing I Googled: green day tour dates. they're gonna be in boston near my birthday soooooooooooooo

Current Obsession: i'm a genshin gamer now. it's the only game i play and i can't stop. the writing kinda sucks (sometimes--i'm convinced there's several people with varying skill levels) but i'm fascinated by the design, expert application of incentive principles. my mains are tighnari and shogun i'm also perpetually obsessed with the fantasy world in my brain but y'all gotta wait for the book on that one

Last Book: I'm sloooowly working my way through mordew by alex pheby but i also just finished the tombs of atuan by ursula k. le guin. truly she was a genius of the pen and i'm having an incredible time going through her work now

Looking Forward To: clearing out my to-do list so i can have more time to fuck around. i'm hoping i can get all my upkeep chores done on saturday and have time to write after

i don't even really know nine people on this site tbh and i don't like to impose myself on y'alls online experiences so feel free to take or leave this but @sauntervaguelydownward @official-bagpipes @thebiscuitwitch @honeysuckle-venom @goolock @feralplantain @ladyoftheshield @idislikethissite and Free Space Your Advertisement Could Go Here

#writing on the walls #i really enjoy little games like this i wish i saw them more #always fun

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breninarthur · 9 months

Note

Thanks so much for the tag on the WIP meme, hopefully I'll get to play later!

For now, I'd love to hear about When Darkness Comes from your DA list, and Shadows from your original work list.

Thank you!

Of course! No pressure if you don't, but please tag me if you do 🥰

Ahh when darkness comes is my Dragon Age: Origins novelisation! I really loved the idea of writing a mostly canon-compliant fic and writing all the decisions I made in-game. I try to write it in a way that people who've never played it would be able to enjoy as well, and get some context for Origins if they're not planning on playing. But I don't know how many people like that would actually read it 😂

The main character is Kallian Tabris, and I've become so attached to her! She's a city elf who starts off a little scared, a little snippy; but grows and develops into a fearsome leader (who romances Alistair and has the best dog in the world 🥰). She's a warrior who eventually becomes a champion and berserker! Her main themes are self-sacrifice and martyrdom, anger and revenge and whether or not she'll let it consume her, homesickness and longing (hiraeth in Welsh), and of course, found family. And really, when darkness comes has become much more her story than anything else.

Shadows is my original work that I first started writing when I was nine-years-old! It's obviously changed so much since then, but the barest of bones have remained the same. Namely, that the three main characters each have elemental magic, and they're on a quest to find a group of people thought to be dead so they can defeat the Big Bad. At least, that's the first book. It's a fantasy set in a more Iron Age type of setting than a medieval one, and borrows a lot from Welsh, Irish, Scottish, Cornish, Breton, and Manx mythologies and folklore.

The main character, Teifi, is... extremely similar to Kallian 😂 In ways I didn't even realise! She also has themes of hiraeth and found family, as well as anger and revenge. But the latter is dialed up to a hundred, and is her absolute driving force, especially as the story goes on. There are differences too, of course. They both long for their old lives and families, but where Kallian can't return because her responsibilities won't let her, Teifi can't return because her village was destroyed and her family is missing. They both have a found family, but for Teifi it becomes her only family. Kallian wants revenge on Loghain for everything he did, but Teifi experiences a lot more loss because of the antagonist in her story, so there's much more grief, and she takes it all more personally. Really, by the end, I think she'll be wild with it.

Here's an unedited little excerpt from Shadows :)

The creature led her into ever-narrowing gaps between the trees, until it stopped without warning, and she nearly stumbled straight into it.

“Wyddgi…” she panted, barely intelligible to her own ears, her breath ripping its way out of her. “Give it back.”

It just looked at her, its eyes dancing with mirth, teeth clamped around the worn leather parcel.

“Ah, Teifi er Nant, how you’ve grown,” it chuckled, voice barely stifled by its steal. “But we are barely a quarter of a league out from your front door. My pace was not that punishing, was it?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” she said through gritted teeth, pulling her sling off her shoulder; a clear threat.

With a swish of its sleek tail, Wyddgi laughed. “It’s getting dark, don’t you think?”

It wasn’t wrong. Winter light faded fast, and the woods she’d chased it into were dense and hid the sun as best they could. A shiver ran through her. The last time Wyddgi bothered her family, it had taken hours for it to get bored.

“You’re horrible, you know that?” she said, unbuttoning the rock in her sling. The pwca didn’t seem at all bothered when she started to swing it around over her head. Probably because it knew she wouldn’t ever let the rock fly.

“Come now, Teifi. The night won’t hurt you,” Wyddgi mocked. Without breaking eye contact, it placed the parcel gently on the ground. “Not yet.”

Teifi blinked, furrowing her brow. “What?”

But Wyddgi had already darted off into the shadows.

Thank you so much for asking!! 💖

[wip title ask game]

#vibrating over getting to talk about my original work lmao tysm! 💕#asks #cleverblackcat #my writing #when darkness comes #shadows wip #kallian tabris #teifi

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stardustedknuckles · 2 years

Note

Hi there! I’m a cis dude who might get to play a super-fluid nb changeling in my next campaign, and I wanted to thank you for posting your thoughts about that dichotomy vis a vis Quay Seelie. Part of my reason for wanting to was to explore what you talked about (and fun mechanical interactions), and hearing your earlier comments about changelings being a fantasy for non cis people really solidified giving it a try. If you have any more thoughts on the subject would you care to share?

Oh I could wax about the inherent nb factor to changelings all day! I love them. My changeling grew up raised by a group of them who shared personas between them. So out of the six, any one of them could take on the "mom" persona and the "dad" persona and each was as valid as the other. To literally become that persona is so much more than just changing a face. It's a life with history and a way of looking at the world. I also had a third gender parent because why wouldn't they? So these five changelings grew up as friends and they're essentially in a poly relationship with relationships within that. If it hurts your brain to try and suss out, then you're on the right track. There's no DNA to worry about when you can alter your own, there's just the community looking out for its own and the power imbalances that could come from like, a kid playing at being an adult etc. So my character nyx grew up with a brother that was also technically a cousin and they were two of four kids of their main communal group. The changeling who took on the role of Mom for nine months was different three of four times but the Mom persona was essentially the same person. Like I said, if it sounds like it almost makes sense but doesn't, you've got it.

That's the kind of stuff I love to play with. That's the fluidity afforded by a race and character that can not only look like anyone but spend time becoming them. Personas as legacies, as stories passed through generations. So much of the lore around changelings emphasizes how untrustworthy people find them, but my DM runs their world in good faith and let me tell you, things are so much more fun when you can experience being a changeling freely. Maybe there are individual people a little freaked that you can look like them, but without a systemic prejudice and mistrust there's no element of hiding yourself that you HAVE to carry (as a trans person) into the role. Maybe as a cis person you'll enjoy the sense of needing to hide, of having a secret if your DM rules that there's a prejudice against your kind. It's not necessarily what I want in a game of escapism. (and I'm aware you could be different in other ways that relate to masking or hiding too, but as gender and presentation go it's so inherent to changelings!)

I hope you have a blast playing them. I hope the ability to change as easily as breathing informs something great about your character and provides a great conduit for discovering and playing out facets of your own identity and values. I think you'll have a great time with them.

It's also very fun to get into the technicalities of changing into someone when you have to guess what's under their clothes lmao. I mean with a lifetime of experience you get the shape right without even having to try but what if there's a birthmark on their butt you've never seen? What's their dick gonna look like if you've only ever seen them clothed? What are the implications of being able to adjust your own voice box such that you can perfectly pass as a kenku because when you mimic the sound of water or rocks falling it is flawless? Do you want a tail? Rules as written say you have to have roughly the same humanoid configuration but my DM says since humans have a vestigial tail it's okay for my forms to have them so long as I don't try to break the game with it. Good faith playing opens up so many doors.

I hope you have the best time with them!

#Asked and answered #Mundnd

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aurorasilverthorne · 2 years

Text

Vampires Don't Fall In Love: Chapter #1

Disclaimer: I own nothing! The Bailey School Kids book series and all its characters belong to the authors Debbie Dadey and Marcia Jones.

Note: Mr. Lobo is my OC and belongs to me. If you want to use him in fanart or fanfiction, you are welcome to do so, but please remember to credit me as his creator. Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summary: Ben has known Kilmer's grandmother, Madame Hauntly, since he was nine. This story chronicles their friendship and the ways in which it changes throughout the decades while also telling Mrs. Jeepers' love story. All the children still believe Madame Hauntly, Mrs. Jeepers and Boris Hauntly are vampires and that Mrs. Jeepers' ex-boyfriend is a really werewolf. Turns out they're right! Now what?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter One:

~◇~

Ben had never met anyone like Kilmer Hauntly’s grandmother. Madame Catalina Hauntly was a willowy, pale woman with a Romanian accent, green eyes and raven black hair that fell to her hips. She wore a black dress so long it hid her feet and had lengthy, bright green fingernails that seemed to glow in the dark.

Most adults said she was weird. Children in the neighborhood thought she was a vampire. Ben didn’t care. He adored her.

Madame Hauntly was different from other grandmothers. She only came out at night, told the most amazing stories and loved to climb trees. Ben always spent time with her when she visited the Hauntlys.

Well…not always.

Ben sighed.

He’d broken an arm a week ago doing stunts on his skateboard. The cast itched!

He tried to use a fork to scratch the skin beneath the fiberglass, but that ended the moment his mom saw. She confiscated the fork and sent him to his room.

Ben plopped down in front of his bedroom window to watch all his neighbors go about their day. Mr. Davis, the principle at Bailey Elementary, watered his garden and shooed Kilmer’s cat Sparky off his lawn. Ben waved to Mr. Lobo, the music teacher, who had been spending his free time at Mrs. Jeepers’ repairing and renovating the old Clancy Estate.

Annie and Jane ran by on their way to the local playground to play soccer with Carey, Eddie and the other kids.

“We’re going to Doodleburger afterward. Want us to pick you up a milkshake?” Annie asked.

Ben shook his head. “It would melt by the time you brought it back. Thanks anyway though.”

Jane shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

Ben watched them hurry down Dedman Street and disappear around the corner. He wished he could go, but all the jostling would mess up his arm worse than it already was.

What bummed Ben out most was knowing he’d have to miss out on Madame Hauntly’s visit. She was due to arrive early that evening.

He wouldn’t get to hear about her childhood home at the feet of the Transylvania Alps, learn more about the Hauntly family history or take her to a movie at the cinema that had just opened over on Main Street. Ben knew how much she liked dark, cool places.

He and Kilmer had planned on treating her to dinner at Jewel’s Pizza Castle. Madame Hauntly had promised they’d all climb the old oak tree together.

“This stinks!” Ben glared at his cast. “I can’t climb trees or play ball with this stupid thing stuck on my arm.”

He tried playing video games, but it was practically impossible to reach the next level when he only had one good arm. He eventually gave up and turned off the television figuring he’d skip supper and go to bed early.

Ben was beginning to doze off when he heard a tapping at his window. He turned over to see what it was then remembered he’d closed the drapes. He slid off the bed and pulled them open.

Nothing.

Ben frowned. “Huh? I could’ve sworn I heard-“

A face appeared in the window. Ben cried out and jumped back before realizing it was Madame Hauntly perched gracefully on the ledge outside his window.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you,” she said. “Kilmer told me about your arm. I hope it isn’t causing you pain.”

“I’m okay. It’s just…I can’t have any fun with my arm stuck in a cast. The doctor says I’ll have to keep it on until the bone heals. How am I gonna play sports or climb stuff with this thing?”

Madame Hauntly hummed in thought. “Well, climbing trees and playing sports might be out of the question until your arm is healed, but there are other ways to have fun.”

“Like what?”

Madame Hauntly smiled giving him a glimpse of her sharp eye teeth. “A movie? Or pizza and ice cream, perhaps? I spoke to your parents. You and I will be eating pizza and going to see a movie. Wash up and meet me out in the yard. Kilmer and the others are waiting for us.”

Ben perked up. “Really?”

Madame Hauntly smiled. “Of course, silly boy. Did you think I would exclude you from being part of my visit because of your injury?”

“I didn’t hink you’d want me around slowing you down,” he admitted.

“Oh, darling…” She patted his shoulder. “I am your friend as much as you are Kilmer’s. I will always make time for you.”

Ben smiled genuinely for the first time since he’d fallen from his skateboard. “Kilmer’s right. You’re the best.”

Madame Hauntly laughed. “I am not the best, but I certainly appreciate the compliment. I will wait for you outside.”

Ben threw on clean clothes and ran his hand through his hair. A quick glance in the mirror and he was on his way out the door.

Maybe having a broken arm isn’t so bad after all,” he mused, keeping in step with Madame Hauntly as they headed toward the pizza castle.

Madame Hauntly noticed him staring at her and offered him a reassuring smile. She didn’t act like other adults. Ben believed wholeheartedly that she was the coolest person in Bailey City.

After they were done eating and the movie had ended, Madame Hauntly took all the kids back to Hauntly Manor Inn. Ben sat on one of the dirt mounds in the conservatory while she told stories about Romania and the Transylvania Alps.

“It is late,” she said, “I will walk you all home.”

She made sure everyone made it safely back to their houses. It was past midnight, but Ben just couldn’t sleep, so he snuck out the back door and struggled up the ladder of his tree house.

He was less than half way there when a hand gripped his ankle. He gasped and looked down to see Madame Hauntly standing at the base of the tree.

“You should be in bed resting,” the Hauntly matriarch stated as she helped him back down. "It is not good to climb about with a broken arm. I do not wish to see you harmed”

“I can’t sleep,” he explained.

“Is it your arm? Does it hurt?” she asked. “I can speak to your mother. She ought to be able to give you something to quell the pain.”

Ben shook his head. “It’s not that. I just had so much fun that it’s hard to turn my brain off.”

Madame Hauntly nodded in understanding. “You must have a lot on your mind. Would you like to share your thoughts with me? I am a good listener.”

Ben sat on the grass and leaned his back against the tree while Madame Hauntly made herself comfortable on one of the low lying branches above.

True to her word, she listened as he told her about school and stuff going on in his family. He talked to her about his favorite games and how he and his dad were training so he could try out for the football team next year.

After another hour or two, Ben grew tired and ended up falling asleep. Madame Hauntly lifted the exhausted fourth grader and carried him up to his room.

How she ever managed to do so without waking either him or his parents, Ben didn’t know. He woke the following morning in his bed with a blanket draped over his body and a leaf stuck in his hair. If Madame Hauntly was a vampire, she was the good kind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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tiredassmage · 2 years

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23-26 of the SWTOR asks?

Ohhh, some fun ones I don't generally think about!!! And some that I do. A good mix!! Thank you so much for the ask, I love this silly little dress up sim, I mean... Star Wars video game.

23. Share some of your favorite quotes/dialogue with us!

I don't think anything is going to ever top one of the Agent-specific dialogues to be found on Ziost; truly, I was so floored it was a voiced, actually in-game line because I almost couldn't have found a better sentence for Tyr's thoughts, and that was

"If that's the case, I think he overestimates the capabilities of the Empire's Intelligence apparatus."

The level of self-dig from this coming from Cipher Nine, successful surviving operative of Imperial Intelligence turned Commander of Sith Intelligence (genuinely not doin' too hot atm, fair enough) is just. The absolute audacity of him to say it to Lana, essentially his boss in Sith Intelligence, is just... It was a truly exquisite experience, lol. Genuinely, I thought I bullshitted that line in my head until I found it in someone's playthrough video.

I also, generally speaking, have a soft spot for Rishi - and Shadow of Revan as a whole is probably my favorite expansion (bonus for number 11, I guess, lol).

Also this moment in the Jedi Consular story on Belsavis. Local Jedi Consular laughs in the face of a prison guard. Another moment where I thought my character was LOSING THEIR MIND. This one wasn't necessarily a specific line of dialogue, but the fact that the Consular was actually laughing in the middle of them being in something they. Probably. Shouldn't be laughing at. I'm not exaggerating when I say I lost my marbles over this one for a good 10 minutes. I barely made it through the rest of the cutscene because I just COULD NOT believe... Like, I got it. That was my reaction, too, buddy, but DAMN. Lmaoooo.

24 & 25. Do you have a primary/preferred stronghold? Mind sharing some screenshots of your stronghold(s)?

So, I'm, generally speaking, not rich enough in SWTOR to own strongholds, much less decorate or unlock them, and if I ever get around to being that rich, in the few times it has occurred, I have usually played dress up first and... yeah, so, lmao. Have been to a guild's setup on Yavin that I really enjoyed, but I haven't yet gotten a character far enough along that I would like that one for, so the only one I own outside of the starting apartments is the Vaiken Spacedock Penthouse, which is coming along. It's not coming out perfectly how I wanted, but it's probably the most I've gotten into decorating to date.

This, possibly unsuprisingly, is meant to be Tyr's space since he's my beloved blorbo main; specifically this is sort of the more private half I have set up for him. The inner room facing the inner Fleet is set up somewhat similarly, but is more the public entertainment space, and the back room is developing into an area meant for Alliance related work and discussion. I'm mildly amused by the double agent having a safehouse/crash area in the middle of the Imperial Fleet because there's no way that wouldn't be highly on his mind, but I imagine it's also for the sake of appearances, mainly. Much of it is still space dedicated primarily to maintaining the facade of Commander and loyal senior Intelligence operative.

26. Who is/are your favorite non-companion NPC(s)?

Yuon Par is actually the best and nobody will change my mind. Out of all of the mentor figures, she's the one that I personally packbonded the most with, for sure, and, to this day, my main Consular loved her to bits. Bapping SWTOR like a cat, what happened to my favorite Jedi Master????? I miss her, Tails....

I also find, perhaps specifically with Tyr, OG Keeper/the eventual Minister of Intelligence intriguing if only because of the sort of personal explanation I have headcanon'ed for Tyr's dynamic with him - a sort of mentor and almost father-figure, though Tyr would have never actually told him this and I doubt either of them really spoke on it, ever.

I could probably populate a list of them almost exclusively from the Jedi Consular and Imperial Agent storylines because I do think they're my ultimate favorites

Honorable mention to Satele Shan, who I distinctly remember being WAY too excited to meet for the first time like I'd known her from something before and for the LIFE of me I cannot remember why I felt like that was just a reference I knew. Also Darmas for being my favorite rat from the Smuggler story. <3 Thanks for making Corellia so interesting, you devil, you. <3

#answered #dot talk #swtor #dot plays the star war

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pokeprism · 7 months

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Heyo y'all! Pokemon talks inbound.

I was reminded of this video of mine today, had some time to kill, and opted to continue playing on my new-ish Pokemon Ultra Sun run. Off camera this time.

I only continued my run for nine minutes before coming to a conclusion about the early section in this this game, and by proxy, the early sections in most of the rest of the games in the franchise. That'll require some explanation, and that's gonna be below the cut for the sake of y'alls' dashboards~

Also will be getting critical about Pokemon as a franchise below. So beware if you will get your panties in a twist over that.

At the heart of that conclusion was that Pokemon has a history of notoriously slow starts to their games and how that drags the games down as a whole.

I added nine more minutes to my play through today, and the main reason I set the game down was because I got bored. Specifically of the game forcing me to go through so many motions just to get to the part of the game I wanted to do, otherwise known as the NOT CUTSCENE/MEDIOCRE STORY bit! Pokemon stories have historically been okay at best and insulting at worst, so being forced to wade through mires without a skip cutscene button is infuriating.

Oh gods, that is video material by itself!

...

On another note, a Youtuber I respect has been in the process of making a big pokemon retrospective. I don't know how much USD I'd wager for this bet... BUT! I know I'd wager fairly heavily that she's gonna put out the video, and within a week, be hit with a swell of game freak apologists and poketubers complaining about her harshing their respective squees plus the usual BS she's hit with.

Just a thought.

#jamie w. (pokeprism)#pokemon #criticism #thoughts #txt post #txt #10/5/2023

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holden1957-blog · 1 year

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When we got to Agerstown, it turns out that Ackley and Brossard had watched the movie before, so, we just ate hamburger, and played some games. Not that I was even interested in watching movies anyways. The movie we were supposed to watch is a comedy that has Cary Grant as a cast and all that shit. I had been to the movie with Brossard and Ackley before and all through the movie, they laughed like jackass, at things that aren't even funny. The movie is so dumb that I usually wonder what amuses people in it. When we were done, we left Agerstown and got to Pencey at quarter to nine. Brossard went in search of another game, while Ackley stayed in my room. Without my permission, he went straight to my bed and put his face on my pillow. He started talking in a grumpy voice and also picking at his pimples. It's so disgusting. I gave him hints to stand up from my bed, but he is so daft that he didn't get the hints. In his boring voice, he talked about his sexual escapades, but if you want to know the truth, Ackley is a virgin. I don't even think he has ever sexually aroused anyone. Anyways, I had to come out plain to ask him to stand up from my bed with the excuse that I needed to do Stradlater’s assignment. When he finally left, I put on my pyjamas and my red hunting hat, and I started writing the composition Stradlater asked me to write for him. Since I was not interested in writing about rooms or houses that Stradlater said I should write on, I decided to write on Allie's baseball mitt. It is sure something very descriptive. The baseball mitt is a left-handed one because my brother too was left-handed. What was most descriptive about the mitt is the poem that Allie wrote on the finger, pockets and everywhere, in green ink. He wrote that poem to read whenever he has on the field with no partner to play baseball with. Well, Allie is dead now. He died of Leukemia on July 18, 1964, while we were still living in Maine. He was such a nice boy, loved by everyone. He is two years younger than I am, but he is much more intelligent. Even his teachers used to write letters to my mom to tell her how good it was having him in their class. To tell you the truth, they are not flattering him, he is really that intelligent. You know what, my brother is not just intelligent, he is also very nice. He never gets angry at anyone as red hair people are known to be. I remember how he used to laugh so hard at the dinner table when he thought about something. Anyways, he died. When he died, I broke all the windows at the garage with my fists and because of that, my parents took me to the doctor, to be psychoanalysed. I was just thirteen years old then. I even wanted the break the windows of the Station Wagon we had that summer if that that my hands were already stiff from breaking the windows in the garage. It was a silly thing for me to do, I must confess, but I just couldn't help it. Allie was really nice, and his death brought me so much grief. If you know Allie, you will know that he is worth grieving for. My hands still ache from that incidents, especially when it rains. I can't even make a fist with the hand anymore, but I don't care about it. After all, I'm not going to be a doctor or a Violinist.

Well, I didn't write Stradlater's composition based on the story I just told you. I wrote the composition based on Allie's baseball mitt which I have with me. I brought it out from my suitcase and copied the poems on it. I changed Allie's name to keep it anonymous. It was the only descriptive thing I could think of, and I also like writing about it. I spent one hour on it, and I finished writing around ten thirty. I was really tired when I finished writing the composition.

#Nomatterhowill-manneredpeopleare #showsomeempathy

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wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i · 2 years

Text

Currently listening to: Stick Season by Noah Kahan

It was a normal, sunny day in Hawaii. The house was calm. Everyone was focused on their own thing. My sister playing IMVU in her room. My other sister doing whatever she was doing. An older family member (we'll call him X.) playing video games on the family computer.

But I was brooding. Simmering. I sat on the stair that led to the kitchen, just staring at X, my eyes darkening with every passing second. The house continued in it's silence, as if everyone in the house was an npc waiting for the main characters next move.

That's when my intrusive thoughts really won. I picked up a pillow that had the weight and feel of a brick. It was one of the few pillows we all collectively agreed we were not able to use during pillow fights because it literally hurt like hell.

And without a second though, I wound up my arm and slammed it against the back of his head, shouting at him. His face slammed against the computer screen, and I kept screaming.

I hate you. You ruined my life. I wish you were dead. Say you're sorry to me. Tell me you're sorry.

After the shock passed, he stood up and started shouting back, asking me what the fuck was wrong with me. I shouted back that he knew exactly what was wrong with me. He really did not.

Except he did. He just seriously didn't think I knew it was him abusing me. He drew back his fist, threatening me. I kept screaming at him, daring him to do it.

But then my sister zoomed out of the room, catching his fist in her hand before he could hit me. She locked eyes with him.

"You hit her, I'm beating your fucking ass."

It was one of the only times I ever stood up against my abuser. And yet, I rarely think about it. I think at that age, my anger, the sheer rage I felt, the wrath that my tiny self held inside of me scared me.

I could be violent.

And it bothered me.

I remember that same year, I defended my abuser when a little white boy called him the n word and refused to take it back. His sister refused to talk to her brother about it, and I remember her acting so much bigger and badder than me as she started to walk away.

I don't even remember my rage in that moment. There was no clear start or end. There was only a roar. I ran up behind her, slammed my foot against the back of her knee, and watched her entire body slap against the pavement. She had a bloody nose. She was crying.

And I didn't stop there.

I told her that the next time her brother says something like that to him, my sister's and I aren't going to come for her brother. We're going to come for her.

I was nine.

When I think back to all the times in my life when I expressed understandable rage, I also remember all the times I was shamed for that rage.

I remember when I was almost kidnapped as a child. I tell this story slightly differently every time because it's such an old memory so forgive me if my wording is different and I've written about this before. I was six or seven and I had better discernment than most kids my age regardless of what my father thought. A woman drove up to my older brother and I on the hottest day in South Carolina. She asked if we wanted a ride home.

I said no, thank you. My brother shot me an annoyed look. He opened the car door. "Sure, thanks!"

I stayed on the sidewalk. The woman said she knew my mother.

And I stopped, now completely sure of my decision. My mother had very few friends, and I knew all of them plus her coworkers very well. This woman was not a friend of my mother's.

I said no. And my brother yanked me by my arm, and tried to shove me in. He yelled at me to stop being so difficult. She's a nice lady who wants to give us a ride. Why are you making things harder than they have to be?

I kicked, punched, shouted, clawed at him. I refused to get into that car. He dragged me kicking and screaming into the car. Luckily, my mom got worried about us and came to grab us just as my brother was getting me into the car.

I remember my mom seeing me in the car and immediately assuming that I had gotten in willingly. When I told her what happened after she calmed down, she told me I never had to listen to my older brother again. But the rest of the family seemed to forget the part where I was the one who refused to get into a strangers car. So, for years, I was the dumb one in the situation when I knew for a fact that I wasn't.

It wasn't until this year....this season of my life...that it occurred to me. I am an angry person. I am not just mad. I am enraged. I am angry. And it's not just at one person. It's anger toward myself. Toward everyone I care about. Toward no one in particular and toward the world as it stands.

I am at my core a very angry girl.

I remember there was this quote that if you grew up with an angry man in your house, there will always be an angry man in your house until you get him out.

I think about how many times I've gotten angry in my life and covered it with all the good things I could find to brush it all away. But I can't keep ignoring it anymore.

This anger is important and it's valid and I'll never get that angry man out as long as I keep feeding him.

I remember how angry I was as a teenager. I was just constantly fucking pissed and I hurt people. I said things that were so cruel in defense of myself, and I shamed myself for the anger I felt without ever validating the reasons for that anger.

When I was 9-10, my best friend that I was in love with became friends with a girl who was racist toward me. She wasn't just microaggressive either. She was racist racist. She'd tell 9 year old me that black people were monkeys, that my father probably assaulted my mother, that my cousin's all probably slept together like the animals they were. She was violently racist toward me.

And I took it. Every fucking day, I logged onto myspace to talk to my best friend and that other girl would be there, telling me that my friend didn't really like me. She felt "so fucking sorry" for me. She hated me. She thought I was annoying. She'd straight up call me the n word too. And tell me to stop bothering with my best friend because she never liked me.

I stuck around because I thought, well, I hoped, my best friend would come back. The friend that was so sweet to me. Who for a full year had treated me like the most important person in her life. Who made me feel special and shared music with me and explained things carefully to me.

I was so sure that one day she'd just see that this new girl was horrible, if I could just ask her the right way. But she never changed. That sweet girl was gone.

And I remember one night, I was living in Georgia at this point, I sat in the grass outside my uncle's outside. It was dusk and there were fireflies out. The grass was tall and itchy. And this girl was just spewing the most hateful shit to me. Just vitriolic, racist, horrible shit.

And I sat there, not saying a word other than an apology for existing basically. Until I just cracked.

I apologized to my ex best friend for this. I told her it just slipped. I cried and begged for her forgiveness. But it was a fucking lie.

I remember typing out the one comeback I had never used against her because it was cruel. I stared at it. I took a deep breath. I made my peace with losing her and my ex best friend as friends. I very much pressed send on that message fully knowing what I was doing and the weight of what I was saying.

This girl continued her racist ass hate speech and I just replied, "That's really funny! But hey, at least my dad's alive."

Not only did her dad die when she was younger, not only did she have to watch him die, he died from a particularly hard battle with cancer. To this day, I feel justified in my response considering I let her bully me for three years straight knowing I had the one single comeback that would have ended it from the beginning. I was just too nice to use it.

I remember my ex best friend calling me and screaming at me. As if this bitch hadn't spent the last fucking hour saying the most outta pocket racist shit to a girl like four years younger than her. Our friendship ended that day and I vowed never again to use someone's past against them like that. To control my anger better.

But I never controlled it the way I thought I did. My anger has always been explosive and quick, sizzling to nothing moments after it starts.

After that and after all the abuse stopped and I was just mentally illing it on main, I was just angry. I was enraged. I listened to angry music. I wore only dark clothes. I screamed at my parents. I said hurtful things to them. I treated my niece like complete ass.

I remember once, she was annoying me, and I knew she was right behind me but I think I mismeasured how close she was because I did not expect the door to hit her so hard in the face when I slammed it shut.

But I felt awful. And yet I was still mean to her. I constantly told her to just shut up. Ignored her. Yelled at her. And she just wanted to be around me.

It wasn't until my nephew pointed out that she was just a little kid that I remembered I knew how it felt to be treated like that. I literally changed that day and she became like my little sister.

But I think about that anger and where it came from.

Did it comes from my sisters? Who would beat my legs with sticks if I didn't cross the road with them despite having a phobia of roads? Who would laugh at me every time I danced and force me to eat soap? Who shoved me down in the middle of the road when I was six and held me down, shouting at me to stop being a goody two shoes and say a curse word? Who clawed at my face if I woke them up in the morning for school?

Did it come from my brothers? Who were violently misogynistic every time they were all together and would heckle plus sized girls and girls they found ugly until they cried? Who would beat up my nephew to toughen him up? Who told me that they'd never defend me on the basis that we were family because that wasn't their problem? Who started fights with each other on the side of the road that were so scary we'd all cry?

Did it come from my father? Who would scream at me nonstop about my dirty room and tell me that if I ran away, don't bother coming back when someone assaulted me and left me for dead in the street? Who slapped my hands and face when I cried and told me to control my emotions? Who yelled at me and told me I didn't need pain meds for my period cramps? Who called me a little bitch every chance he got?

Did it come from my mother? Who when I made her mad would tell me dad and then watch him verbally slap me around? Who never said a word no matter how angry she got? Who would sit in her car practicing her smiles over and over because he was cheating and she was trying to keep it together?

Or did it just come from me?

My own violent anger at having a father who used the sexual trauma I experienced against me every chance he got and condemned me to amounting to nothing by the time I was sixteen? My own rage at trying for so many years to be a good Christian only to realize that I am bisexual, that I was abused, that I have been bullied my entire life, that I don't believe in the bullshit I begged to believe in? My own rage at continuing to serve others at my own expense? Continuing to give chance after chance after chance even if its no longer deserved? Putting so much work into loving other people but never into myself?

How few times I have had the chance to process my hurt and anger and admit to myself that it is there. That I resent people who accept my love but do not give it back, even if it is hard for them. I resent them. I get angry and wish I never bothered. And then I lose my temper and tell them everything I feel without holding back when all I needed to do from the beginning was dial it back and put up some boundaries.

Stop working so hard to be chosen and start working harder on choosing myself. You know?

I am an angry girl. I am an angry person. And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn here. I am angry about things that happened decades ago and things that happened months ago and things that happened hours ago and it always feels too late to be angry. Too late to do anything about it.

To late for it to be productive.

But I am angry. And I think the first step is admitting that I am angry.

That I am hurt.

That I wish I never grew so much love for the people who hurt me, but even more so that I never stopped bothering to love myself.

That one day, when I was a very small little girl, I chose others before I chose myself because I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be valued. I wanted to exist in a world that cared about me and I did not.

And ever since the first time I made that survival decision, I have never stopped choosing others over myself. And I have never stopped resenting everyone for never choosing me no matter how many times I choose them.

No matter how many nights I stay up to make sure they're okay.

No matter how many gifts I get them to show I'm thinking about them.

No matter how carefully I plan their birthdays or how many songs I tell them reminds me of them or how often I let them know they are beautiful and loved.

Only a handful of people have chosen me in return.

This season of my life is for unlearning anger and re-learning self-compassion.

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