#akigetsu

[februeruri]

kind of scared to catch up on given

#given #mafuyuki #akigetsu #mafuyu sato #ugetsu murata

[magicpotatoobsession]

Soundless Gasps in Given and TGCF

Warning: MAJOR TGCF spoilers (ch 241) and Given (ch 26) Spoilers

Thinking about Given and Ugetsu suddenly feeling the immense emptiness of losing Akihiko that is then replaced by the calm of finally being able to let go and free himself from the chrysalis 🦋 .

TGCF and Xielian suddenly feeling the immense emptiness of losing HC that is then replaced by the calm of believing that he will be back as the butterflies 🦋 dissipate.

Art by xualwqy

Art by @lollimena

Soundless gasps.... one is losing someone but they are at least alive in this world and breaking free from toxicity and the other is knowing someone will be back but it could be 1 year or 800 years and one must hold onto that faith day by day.

In either scenario, I think I would go feral.

#screaming crying I can't get enough of these two #Xie Lian and ugetsu are spinning in my microwave brain #they are both just babies #I love them I love them I love them #given #given manga #ugetsu given #ugetsu murata #tgcf #heaven official's blessing #xie lian #hualian #ugetsu x akihiko #akigetsu #mpobsess #given movie

[oasisdew]

~Clinginess in AkiUge~

A thread

So this is probably one of the widest spread 'belief's in given fandom that Akihiko was the clingy one in AkiUge. He was the one who couldn't give UP, wouldn't let go. I did get a CC about this once too because I have always said the opposite. I had thought about making a thread then. But then real life got in the way and I couldn't. 

Anyway. I do think that Ugetsu had always been the clingy one in AkiUge, at least in the present manga timeline and the thread below is why.

So this (code 8) is the first time we see Ugetsu in the Manga outside of Akihiko's thoughts. (We saw him in Aki's memory before in code 7 and that was very suspicious too but I'll talk about that at the end of this thread.)

This is him, clinging to Akihiko here. Asking for attention. Akihiko did NOT initiate the contact. This is him showing some interest in Akihiko knowing full well that he craves it. (or not knowing it, I am never sure what the fandom at large wants to think Ugetsu as, clever man who pays attention to everything, who can read Mafuyu or Akihiko and read the situation better than most OR just a dumb asshole who just obliviously manages to do the exact thing that'll hurt the other party the most because he is emotionally unstable and too in love.

This is him asking Aki to play violin with him because his current boyfriend is not up to his liking and obv that automatically means or implies that Akihiko at least is better liked than the guy he called his boyfriend then because he only liked that guy for his face.

Do I think he is being honest here? I don't, but I won't tell anyone to come to any conclusions either. I am just pointing things out here.

The second time we saw him, this is what happened. Akihiko once again did not start the conversation.

I personally think it's because he had been abused for a long time and knew to stay wary of Ugetsu when happy at least subconsciously, but people can think differently.

So this is what happened here, he saw Akihiko was happy, and asked what it was he was being happy about, very not suspicious behavior for someone who really is interested in another person. And then when he got Akihiko's attention he proceeded to ignore him. The thing I find intriguing here is how he thought it's a 'shame', we don't know exactly what the shame is.

The unofficial translation made it a bit more obvious, “to let it go.” but let's stick to the official one, because clearly Kizu is trying to remain vague here.

But, this thing, as far as I am concerned, does tie to this scene there in code 17, “I am sure I will never find anyone better than him.” “He really is a good guy.”

This is when he is thinking about that time that he broke the mug and he regrets it.

What he regretting about is the question, breaking the mug? Or endangering his relationship with Akihiko because he'll never find another one like him? You think about your own answer, I have mine.

OK, so then jumping back to code 16, which is the next time that we see Ugetsu. I am sure the whole thing he did here is to get away from Akihiko too xD

NO I am being sarcastic but the thing is that Ugetsu is never not consistent. It's up to you how much you want to justify him. You do you.

But at least don't try to deny that here too Ugetsu did initiate the things between them. Akihiko actually gritted his teeth when he realized Ugetsu had come back. But well he proceeded to have sex so ofc you can go blame him.

There is this scene in code 20 where Aki has been thinking about the basement, and we see Ugetsu clinging to him in bed too. Which might be symbolic knowing Kizu, but which is there. Ugetsu spooning Akihiko when Aki is looking in the opposite direction.

And then I get back to the initial scene of Akihiko thinking about Ugetsu, which I think had been their first time or at least first sexual contact, and there also I think Ugetsu had been the initiator but this is just me thinking and I am not asking anyone to believe things the way I do without any proof. But here also we see Ugetsu touching Aki's palm on his own cheek and it's not the other way around.

Okay, then, after Akihiko got out of the basement, this was the first and only time he went back to it. Code 26. And this is what happened. Ugetsu being playful with him. Hitting him with a pillow probably, “Are you my mom?” then asking why Aki wants to get out of there, then losing his shit because ofc he loved Aki too much. 😔Aki never initiated any contact except being mildly worried about his well being, but presumably he had been over Ugetsu by then so that was expected.

Code 27, Ugetsu understands that it's Haruki who is responsible for whatever he anticipated, then fully knowing that trying to get away so that Akihiko can not catch up to him outside of the basement. This is in clear contrast with how Haruki reacted to Akihiko playing the violin too.

But then the whole thing happened where Ugetsu stunned Akihiko asking if he was breaking up with him or not whereas as far as Akihiko was concerned there was nothing to break up, but he went along with him so yeah… 🤧 but I digress.

Anyway. The thing I tried to point out here is that Ugetsu had always been the toxically clingy one in this relationship. You can justify how you want it to. I don't care.

That doesn't mean Akihiko is not the clingy one by nature. That's his weakness actually. Which Ugetsu exploited.

Ofc everyone can think for themselves. And come to different conclusions. The fact remains though that Kizu has shown Ugetsu to be the clingy one in that relationship.

#Akihiko Kaji #Kaji Akihiko #Murata Ugetsu #Ugetsu Murata #AkiUge #Akigetsu #dysfunctional relationship #given manga #meta #my given threads

[itskenickie]

i watched some ugetsu edits and now i can’t stop crying 😭😭

#send help!! #murata ugetsu #ugetsu given #ugetsu #given #akigetsu

[neonscandal]

For the Wicked

Pairings: Akihiko x Ugetsu

Genre: Angst, Introspection, Romance (toxic)

Word Count: 775

Status: Complete

Summary: Idolatry is not the same as love as Akihiko realizes too late.

A/N - filed under: beta reader? I don’t even know her! Wrote this in one go so it’s kind of stream of consciousness. Includes allusions to several different religions.

—

There’s a very distinct before and after discovering Ugetsu, like some Rare Earth, that seemed to change everything for me. I’d always been confident, finding my way around anything with strings. I wouldn’t say I made it my personality but I endured what I did thinking it could be my future. I worked at it endlessly, tirelessly. Then one day, I stumbled upon Him.

Watching every effortless stroke of His bow, I was humbled. It was instantaneous, this realization that I would only ever stand in the shadow of His flame. Before I knew it, I’d resigned myself to at least be in reach of His warmth. If I couldn’t meet Him where He was on a violin, I could pick up something else. That’s what it means to be a Jack of all trades but a master of none, after all. I hoped it wouldn’t seem like I’d given up, tail between my legs. If that’s what He thought, He refused to say it at first. Maybe this was a saccharinely sweet kindness you only get once from your first love. Right before you should brace for impact.

When my parents first divorced, it was hard to think of love any other way. It was a slowly hemorrhaging wound, one I could staunch when I went to school away from home. It was a sinking feeling that plagued me for months before they came right out and broke things off. It felt like someone pulled the ground right from under me. But that was someone else’s love. Before I could even feel the sting of their separation, there He was. My Salvation. A gracious savior who offered asylum in his flat. In exchange, I worshipped at the temple of his body, made every scale a hymn, folded prayers into our laundry, and made an altar of our bed. He would not find a more devout follower.

I tried to grow love in a room with no sunlight. I wouldn’t say that I was the type to over water plants but there’s a chance, with Him, that maybe I twisted gratitude and envy into something like love and admiration which I couldn’t help but force feed Him. Unruly, overgrown roots stubbornly knotted around one another with every passing year, suffocating the possibility for any growth within the confines of those four soundproof walls. It’s no wonder blooms never manifested from what I’d cultivated.

Even so, I did not, no, I could not denounce Him. So I withheld my sins, carved a confessional out of the studio while I continued to clean and serve the shrine my inferiority built for Him. Never once questioning how a god can love a man. When the truth is He can’t. Love is exposed flesh and vulnerability and the god I loved never showed any weaknesses. But I was flawed and always ripe for sacrifice. I wonder if I’d known the value of my soul, would I have worshipped any less. Was it worth feeling His hands scratch sutras across my skin, the burn of his discerning gaze I could only hold forlornly?

I stumbled through faith, through love, aimlessly. He provided no foothold, no miracle to justify or give purpose for my suffering, my hatred turned inward. I could separate myself from the charismatic cult leader but carried vestiges from His gospel. I could see that He was merciless, cruel even but practice devoutly in private, in shame. Eventually, I realized my devotion would bring no absolution. How could it when I was irredeemably less than the god I served, especially in my own eyes.

Time dragged on and I continued to serve a master whose generosity towered over me. I fumbled with different instruments while He continued to burn brightly ahead of me. The difference between our competencies expanded, furthering the divide between us but we still shared morning coffee and cigarettes after sex like breaking fast just the same. I wrapped my hands around the neck of a bass, even a guitar which felt like feeble attempts at atonement when I recognized that both now felt foreign in my clumsy hands and I’d never stack up to Him with either. Picking up the drums felt like turning my back on a divinity that had rejected me.

When you run from religion, the traumas you experience walk in step with you but every pound of those drums was a small reclamation. I could hide my lost faith in front of others but couldn’t hide my haunted expression when they stumbled upon His greatness themselves.

They’d never understand why I’d beg them not to use His name in vain.

#neonfiction #sad anime girl hour #beta reader? I don’t even know her! #given #kaji akihiko #akihiko kaji #akihiko given #akihiko x ugetsu #ugetsu given #ugetsu murata #oneshot #fanfiction #given fanfic #akigetsu #shonen ai #boys love #akiharu

[pancake-breakfast]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Given (Manga), Given (Anime) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Murata Ugetsu, Kaji Akihiko & Murata Ugetsu Characters: Kaji Akihiko, Murata Ugetsu Additional Tags: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Unhealthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, given movie spoilers, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Microfic, Drabble Series: Part 23 of Drabble December 2022 Summary:

Ugetsu trying to process his relationship with Akihiko.

A very short story for Drabble December Prompt 23: Home

#given #given anime #akihiko x ugetsu #ugetsu given #ugetsu murata #akihiko kaji #given fanfiction #akigetsu

[alazystranger]

Ahoy, visitors!

Welcome to the page of a lazy stranger, a serial procrastinator. You can call me lexie/lex/any variation of that or even make up an entirely new nickname- I don't really mind. Ao3 -> the11thhour Ongoing works -> Finding Luffy About Asks: feel free! rant to me about my fics, shout or tell me about any random thing that comes to your mind please that little box is always open.

More Details

Obsessions -> One Piece, BSD, JJK, Haikyuu, Hannibal, Doctor Who, Good Omens, Given

Characters who live inside my head 24/7 and i can write a thesis about: Dazai, Will Graham, Oikawa, Ugetsu Murata, The Doctor, Luffy, Trafalgar Law, Portgas D. Ace, Will Herondale, Wei Wuxian

Ships i love -> Zolu, Sanlu, Namivivi, SatoSugu, Skk, Percabeth, Iwaoi, Kagehina, Mafuyama, AkiGetsu, KidKiller

I'm still very much a small town author, but I'd be delighted if you do check out my fics!

#finally stopped procrastinating on making this one #about me

[morievna]

Mix 18 – Ugetsu’s grand return 🥳

Ohh sorry so much I was meaning to write about this chapter since awhile, but my job was demanding lately and I also got new obsession to over-think *cough* BSD Stormbringer *cough* But here I am finally getting time to gush about Ugetsu and Mafuyu xD

(btw i had fun with creating new pfp with this picrew)

This post will be more Ugetsu-centric – I will focus on Mafuyu later on together with covering mix 19 – though maybe after full scans will be available since judging from spoilers it relies a lot on visuals. But in short, it is so beautiful chapter with Mafuyu’s arc blooming 💖

As for now - what can i say -  mix 18 is simply perfection. Feel prepared to me simply counting up things I loved xD

Honestly I love everything about it  – finally getting Ugetsu’s return in such amazing way, the way Mafuyu was portrayed in such human and vulnerable way and character development of them both. Besides, interaction between them were pure gold xD I liked how funny was clash between their personalities, which balanced more serious and angsty side of this chapter.

I really like how Given is consistent with themes and parallels between all characters, especially Akigetsu and Mafuyama in this one. It feels very thoughtful how Natsuki-sensei planned all of it.

Okay, so let’s start digging~~

If you read my analysis of Ugetsu’s booklet from movie  - you know that I was concerned with how he was shown so alone and isolated from outside world; with no human interaction except that text from Akihiko.

Honestly I literally gasped when he admitted that by himself in this chapter xD

Really wow – such development considering that he started as character ‘i-have-no-friends’ and neglecting himself in lot of ways. He went long way T_T

I really liked his vibe in this chapter – it really feels that he thought over his life and changed. Even without clear destination – it feels symbolic that he no longer wants to live in temporary hotels and wants to sell his old house ( which was symbol of his cocoon) – like butterfly he is now free to live fully and make connection with outside world.

So proud of Ugetsu~~

I am really curious if we will got more spinoff or something about Ugetsu – it really feels like some part of his life ended, but new possibilities are ahead – I really love how carefree he ponders on his future. Also since Natsuki-sensei mentioned on her twt that she made changes to booklet story to include improved version to Given vol.8 – I still think she likes Ugetsu quite a lot xD

Okay, let’s move on Mafuyu-Ugetsu bond ~~

I love their dynamics so much – in this chapter it was really perfect way how to show kinda mentor-student relationship should work (and without mentor dying per trope *sighs in bsd*).

I loved how Mafuyu opened to Ugetsu about he is going through – because of he knew what’s Ugetsu been through and how they are alike, these factors helped him to admit his deepest worries and insecurities. Though this arc Mafuyu talked to others, but it was the heartfelt connection between MafuUge that let him to be more at ease speaking himself. Like Ugetsu being comfort friend for him like no other.

I love Mafuyu reaction to Ugetsu’s spontaneous decision to go together to SYH live :D

They are just perfect xDD

On more serious side, I really liked hands symbolism in this – at first Mafuyu is uncomfortable with this decision like feeling desperate that Ugetsu didn’t understand him and grasping him to wait, not wanting to go and confront Uenoyama.

But then after they talk more – Ugetsu’s points get through to Mafuyu. I also loved how Ugetsu knew what to say and  how help Mafuyu. Like literally he said what Mafuyu needed to hear – both calling out on lack of communication with Uenoyama, making good points on indecisiveness having painful consequences, and praising him for trying his best.

It is great too that Ugetsu didn’t handed full solution for Mafuyu – ‘only’ provided support and good insights and ultimately gave Mafuyu push in right direction, which is taking him by hand to SYH debut (meanwhile Mafuyu ceasing to resist).

What’s more, it is really good that they got separated in the crowd – Mafuyu has to alone make decision for his own future and this is giving him that free space. After all, from story perspective mentor is supposed only to show protagonist way of living and giving advice like fundament -  and protag must have built on that by himself and go beyond.

Besides, I really love that callback to chapter 27 – on one side we have that emotional scene with Ugetsu/Mafuyu crying due to being terrified of what comes with future, and to balance that we have frame with comforting ‘all will be okay’ providing support to one another.

Excuse me now to cry in the corner a bit T_T

Ngl Ugetsu looking melancholic when Mafuyu brought up his story with Akihiko also made my Akigetsu heart weep a bit too T_T

Finally - to end on positive note,

mentor-student dynamics is often show that student could achieve at what mentor didn’t succeed -  that’s why imo (contrary to Akigetsu as these ships were paralleled in this chapter) Mafuyama will get their happy ending with most likely pursuing music as career. And since story established that Mafuyu and Ugetsu and inspiring and helping each other -  I hope one day we will get Ugetsu happy ending as well – by that I mean him being renowned violinist while having friends and/or loving husbando xD

That’s all for now – thanks for reading and have great day <3

#given #given manga #mix_18 #kizu natsuki #ugetsu murata #mafuyu satou #ugemafu #murata ugetsu #happy noises #that chapter was so good on so many levels #given meta

[zeref96]

Wait how is mafuyuki toxic/yuki yoshida abusive /gen (no hate just curious)

oh well I kind of lazy right now, so sorry for not posting the manga panels 🫠 the only time we get glimpses of yuki and his relationship with mafuyu is through shizu, hiiragi and mafuyu himself, all of them see him through the glasses of romanticizing a dead person but to summarize it without those glassess , mafuyu wanted to be part of what Yuki was doing, his world he wanted him to include him, he wanted to be with him but he didn't know how to communicate while Yuki knew mafuyu loved music but didn't invite him or wanted to share music with him for some reason that is never explained but we can assume because he wanted to maintain an image to mafuyu or everyone else, instead he went to keep that for himself and do songs for mafuyu while complete ignoring his partner wishes even going so far as to use their argument as an excuse for his choice, yuki reminds me of those people that are always going as far as to corner their partners and threatening them with their own lives if they ever left them or for any reason at all, also their communicating issues, they didn't try to voice their feelings or wishes and when as far as hide their true feelings but instead the manga always brushed it off as if "natural" when every healthy relationship needs communication to last because people don't read minds even so kizu wants that to happen and they lacked it, neither mafuyu or yuki ever asked each other to go out or what they were truly feeling, they didn't try to voice their doubts or insecurities not even what they truly wanted, that is a shallow relationship, and their serious codependency for each other, their inability to grow as individuals, also while yuki is dead now his relationship with mafuyu is a parallel to ugestsu and akihiko, they were both toxic even so they "loved" each other, sometimes love isn't enough to sustain a relationship, mafuyuki was doomed since the start and heading towards the same ending as akigetsu, I really think if yuki were alive the fandom wouldn't put their relationship on a pedestal and would actually be less supported but kizu it's at fault too because she is always romanticizing yuki and his suicide, she never truly addresses the root of the problem and when she has a chance to do it she avoids it by inserting another character that is enamored by yuki again or it's using the supposed adults of the manga just to put more emphasis and normalize yuki's toxic behavior and putting all the responsibility in another teenager when it was them.

#anon #i'm not sure i conveyed that well but i hope you get the idea #anti mafuyuki

[diebyyourside]

This is different from how I usually color, but I hope you guys like it♥️

I love Akigetsu (minus the toxic stuff)… they were great. Edgy drummer bf x classy violinist bf is a beautiful concept tbh.

#given fanart #given akihiko #akigetsu #ugetsu given #given manga #given anime #bl manga #anime art #anime #given movie #ugetsu murata #akihiko x ugetsu #akihiko kaji #anime illustration #bl boys #bl anime

[feativen]

he's not coming home .

#given #givenedit #fyeahgiven #akihiko kaji #ugetsu murata #akigetsu #dailyshounenai #mangacaps #q

[f4rm]

#given #given manga #kizu natsuki #my edit #manga #manga panel #manga cap #manga screencap #bl manga #shounen ai #black and white #given movie #akigetsu #ugetsu murata #akihiko kaji #akihiko x ugetsu #bc given movie was released i am in my given feels #SO LEMME JUST GET THESE OFF MY CHEST #THEY MAKE ME SO SADJEKEKDOR

[magicpotatoobsession]

GIVEN | Discovering the TRUE intention behind Shizu's actions in Mix_8 completely changed my view on the Shizuragi ship

I've gotta admit at first, I really didn't like Shizu. What he did to Hiiragi in Mix_8/Chapter 38 almost made me lose all respect for him. But upon rereading the manga,

HOLY SHIT I REALISED THAT

SHIZU is actually one of the MOST SELFLESS characters in Given 😭❤️

There is TOTALLY A DEEPER REASON AS TO WHY Shizu did what he did and it made me appreciate

JUST HOW WELL WRITTEN THE SHIZURAGI ARC IS 🤯

[manga spoilers ahead!]

To understand his actions, we have to jump around the manga a bit haha.

So in Chapter 41, we find out through Hiiragi's flashbacks about the Golden origami paper that baby Shizu never actively tries to get what he actually wants. 😞 😞 😞

This is quite odd because normally kids fight over things they want and Shizu kind of gives up before trying.

Foster Kid Struggles

Now jumping back to Chapter 33, the way Shizu behaves with origami paper makes sense if we remind ourselves that he's a foster kid T_T

Being a foster kid made him grow up believing that he doesn't have the right to have nice things, that he is not deserving of what he wants, what he loves, because in the end, he'll be ABANDONED anyway. He probably got passed from foster homes to foster homes, families to families, nothing he wanted stayed permanent.

---

So now let's look at the earlier conversation that he has with Mafuyu in the same chapter. Mafuyu actually goes to Shizu to ask him for advice about whether to commit to Given and music. However, Shizu accidentally goes on a bit of tangent about how even though he is in love with Hiiragi and Hiiragi is basically all he has, he suspects Hiiragi is in love with Yuki because of HOW MUCH HIIRAGI IDOLIZES YUKI. In fact he points out that their childhood squad was actually entirely YUKI-CENTRIC.

Without actually intending to, this is Shizu's abandonment insecurities coming through. Unfortunately, Shizu's whole life affirms to him that he is ALWAYS LEFT OUT in everything he does. HE FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO just endure the pain of living in Yuki's shadow to continue to stay beside Hiiragi. As we see from the origami paper flashback, Shizu has just always lived life without complaints, taking what he gets because that's all he's been able to get growing up as a foster kid. T_T

And when he says

"I totally went off topic huh..."

This line says everything about how much it actually hurts Shizu. Shizu isn't a character who displays a lot of emotions on his face but he loses composure in this very small panel and this is very telling about how this actually really bothers him. He then says,

"That's why I'm okay with it even if it'll be an endless struggle."

This line (above) is so important because the question we gotta ask ourselves as readers is,

IS SHIZU ACTUALLY OK WITH IT THO?

The next page, Shizu tells Mafuyu that if Mafuyu doesn't have the resolve and tenacity to continue with Ue and music, the right thing to do is to LEAVE.

Only for Shizu HIMSELF to realise the contradiction in his own words.

Shizu right after his conversation with Mafuyu starts to realise that he's being a hypocrite and goes on a MASSIVE INNER MONOLOGUE about all the amazing qualities that Hiiragi has. He then says

"I want to defile that."*

*I'll talk about this quote in more detail later

Shizu feels like Hiiragi is becoming even more amazing as of late and he feels the distance between himself (who he views as "embittered, apathetic") and Hiiragi is growing further apart.

And even more importantly, according to Shizu, Hiiragi is now on par with Yuki's level of "dazzling"ness, a league that previously both Shizu and Hiiragi deemed UNTOUCHABLE.

While Hiiragi retrospected in Chapter 39, that he was happy being the spectators of MafuYuki's world, it's clear that Shizu thinks of Hiiragi as being as amazing as Yuki.

✨The Glittering Pebble Symbolism✨

What this tells me is that Shizu, who feels like he is not deserving of having his needs and wants fulfilled, is coming to terms with the fact that

he might be HOLDING HIIRAGI BACK, he is KEEPING HIIRAGI from realising his full potential.

Taking in the context of his conversation with Mafuyu, Shizu realises that

the right thing to do is to let Hiiragi go because he no longer has the resolve or tenacity to keep being Hiiragi's emotional support while also trying to keep up with Hiiragi's level of 'dazzling'ness because ultimately, he believes that he is no longer worthy of Hiiragi.

That's why in that last panel, he thinks to himself

"Shit...I'm a real arsehole huh...."

Shizu feels guilt. He was only trying to treasure Hiiragi like a glittering pebble because he wants to keep Hiiragi all to himself.

BUT TO SHIZU,

Hiiragi has now evolved to match the level of 'dazzling'ness of Yuki, the league of the Sun*

*I'll cover why Hiiragi is compared to the sun in a second. Chapter 33's glittering pebble symbolism marks the beginning of Kizu's setup for a series of celestial body metaphors and astrology metaphors to describe Shizuragi in the later chapters.

---

Which brings me to Chapter 38.

THIS COVER NOW MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.🤯😭

His intention all along was to

PROVOKE HIIRAGI TO LEAVE HIM.

Shizu knows that the moment he speaks his truth, Hiiragi is going to get triggered and defensive because Hiiragi won't be used to Shizu confronting him with a hard truth. But we gotta realise that Shizu is PURPOSELY NOT LISTENING TO HIIRAGI. His actions are purposefully amplified to be extra awful!

THIS IS COMPLETELY IN CHARACTER! Referencing the origami flashback, just like Shizu can't actively pursue what he wants in life, it hurts him too much for him to make the final hard decision so he leaves that up to Hiiragi.

Up until this point, Shizu's been so incredibly kind and caring towards Hiiragi by being a great emotional support. BUT HERE, Shizu is trying to be the worst version of himself on purpose

so that Hiiragi will not view himself as below Yuki, but on par with Yuki in the league of the dazzling Sun.

(Are you crying I'm crying)

The cover of Mix_4/Ch 33, is a direct reference to Mix_8/Ch38! Shizu expects Hiiragi to storm away when he said and did all these confrontational things. Because he finally spoke his truth, Shizu believes that he just killed any chance of them being together (he just ended their world) but that means Hiiragi can be broken from Yuki's shadow for good. But he had to speak the truth because he doesn't have the tenacity and resolve to keep up with Hiiragi like this anymore. As a foster child with abandonment issues, Shizu internalised that he cannot have what he wants, he has to live in suffering to not be abandoned. He wanted to kill any hope within himself of a potential Shizuragi relationship so that the last glimmer of his hopes of dreams will die and he will be able to commit to Hiiragi without anymore pain. Shizu is trying to commit “emotional suicide” for himself and help raise Hiiragi's self-esteem by provoking Hiiragi to hate him.

Shizu/Ugetsu parallels

Just a small observation but something I found interesting, Shizu is a foil to Ugetsu in a way. Ugetsu breaks up with Akihiko but finds it hard to fully let go because Akihiko is all he has. So Ugetsu keeps provoking Akihiko to try and get Akihiko to finally leave him.

(P.S I actually read this really interesting post by @morievna after I finished writing this meta where she also pointed out the parallels between Shizu and Ugetsu where they both accidentally reveal their dark states of mind to Mafuyu. Ugetsu and Mafuyu talk in Chapter 17)

Hiiragi is Shizu's whole world just like how Akihiko is Ugetsu's whole world. However, Ugetsu provokes Akihiko by equating him to dirty trash while Shizu provokes Hiiragi by scaring him that he may have to get down and dirty if he is to stay with Shizu.

Ugetsu puts Akihiko down while Shizu puts himself down.*

*THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING. I will come back to talk about this point as well.

BUT LUCKY FOR SHIZU,

Hiiragi pulls an uno reverse card 😍😍😍

Yes, Hiiragi may have been shaken for a moment in Chapter 38-39,

but he comes back evermore sure that he loves Shizu.

___

💫CELESTIAL BODY METAPHORS💫

While Shizu views Hiiragi like the dazzling SUN 🌞, Hiiragi realises what Shizu is trying to do. He comes to the conclusion that he doesn't need to become the Sun. Instead, Hiiragi returns to Shizu who he now realises is the MOON 🌙 that has always been there for him.

Shizu being the moon 🌙 makes Hiiragi the earth 🌎

Kizu is also absolutely referencing Shizu and Hiiragi's astrological signs. Hiiragi is a TAURUS which is a...you guessed it, EARTH SIGN!

@raine-kai and @edragoon had a discussion a while back about when Shizu says this line in Chapter 33,

*"I want to defile that"

the word "defile" has DIRT, SOIL and GROUNDING symbolism in the original Japanese character. 🤯🤯🤯(KIZU YOU'RE SO FUCKING POETIC WHAT THE HELL)

Shizu is saying that he wishes Hiiragi to be the earth that could just have Shizu and only Shizu tending to him. Now it totally makes sense as to why Shizu has been following Hiiragi his whole life! Shizu has always been ORBITING around Hiiragi 🤯🤯🤯

But Shizu realises this is incredibly selfish because in his eyes, Hiiragi is already like the sun, someone with lots of fans and followers. But Hiiragi himself doesn't believe this because he still thinks of himself as below Yuki. Shizu wants to PROPEL Hiiragi's self-esteem in Chapter 38 by putting himself down so that Hiiragi will not want to stay in his orbit but aim to fly higher.

*What hints us that Shizu sees Hiiragi as the Sun?

In Chapter 39, while for a second Hiiragi gets transfixed by

“the blazing sunset”

he realises Shizu is the one who stops him from literally going OFF the RAILS!!! Shizu may have felt guilt for wanting to cherish Hiiragi for himself only but Hiiragi actually found that emotionally grounding. @nikinramblings does a great meta on the railing metaphor, definitely check it out! In Chapter 41, Hiiragi realises that Shizu was trying to AMPLIFY Hiiragi's need for SELF-IMPORTANCE so that Hiiragi himself can feel like the Sun and dissolve his idolisation of Yuki. We know this because the Hiiragi says,

"you made me your god with a single sheet of golden origami"

the words "god" and "golden" all alludes to the Sun. Hiiragi sees through Shizu's actions and comes to terms with the fact that he doesn't want that. He says,

"I want to belong to him (Shizu)."

Hiiragi realises he doesn't need to be the Sun, a star that burned too bright and too quickly. Through the Yuki-Ueno song demo, it dawns on Hiiragi just how much Shizu's lunar orbits (emotional support) have been saving him. What he envied about MafuYuki, he actually had with Shizu all along, a love that is genuine and simple. Hiiragi finally accepts his role of being the 🌎Earth 🌎 because he's happy with just Shizu by his side.

What's more mindblowing is that the moon orbits the Earth once every 27 days. It also takes approx 27 days for the moon to rotate once on its axis.

While the moon is held in orbit around the Earth by force of gravity, the moon keeps the same face pointing towards the Earth AT ALL TIMES! 🤯🤯🤯

(Is Kizu an astronomer? Using a moon and earth metaphor to THIS EXTENT to describe how enamoured Shizu is with Hiiragi just sends me straight to heaven holy shit)

Hiiragi metaphorical growth from glittering pebble -> provoked to become the sun -> then realises he is happy being earth is WHY Shizu is ecstatic and can't believe that Hiiragi comes back in Chapter 41. Shizu then wants to test just how committed Hiiragi actually is towards him, just how much Hiiragi is willing to get his hands 🌎"dirty" and "soiled" 🌎for him.

Why does he want to test Hiiragi you ask? Well, Shizu's whole life has been witnessing Hiiragi idolizing Yuki day and night, of course he wants to be sure that Hiiragi is not just spewing empty words! He wants to make sure Hiiragi follows through with his actions!

Chapter 41, let's talk about it

I wanted to clarify some things about Chapter 41 as well. It seems like "Hiiragi is suffering" 😰(dw that's what I thought at first) BUT now with everything in context, that’s not the case at all:

1. Hiiragi has probably been thinking about having sex with Shizu since Chapter 22 thanks to Mafuyu LOLLLLL. (refer to Point 7 of the post I linked) Also it was Hiiragi that came into Shizu's room implying that he's ready to take their relationship to the next level.

"Don't put on airs and give up on the things you want! Don't act so cold and detached!"

This quote shows us that Hiiragi wants Shizu to actively go after what he wants.

2. Shizu actually asks for consent FOUR TIMES.

First time, when Shizu says "It's like you're offering a sip of water to a person wandering in the dessert parched" and Hiiragi says while blushing and taking off his jacket, "Well it's ok if you drink...every drop" (this is actually so freaking adorable and sooo hot now that I finally understand Shizuragi (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄ . Also, KIZU's earth/nature symbolism but let me remind you too that Shizu's star sign is SCORPIO, which is a WATER SIGN 💦🤯

Second time, Shizu says "Do you understand what I am about to do? You're gonna bawl for sure" and Hiiragi says, "I WILL NOT" (defensive Princess Hiiragi is so cute)

Third time, Shizu says "I'm gonna put my fingers in here too, are you ok with that?" and Hiiragi says, "Shut your face I know tha-" (Hiiragi is trying to hide how much of a freaking virgin he is LOL)

Fourth time, Shizu says "wanna stop?" and Hiiragi outrightly shouts "SHUT IT! DON'T STOP! STOP ASKING FOR PERMISSION for EVERY LITTLE THING YOU IDIOT" and this is where Hiiragi gives Shizu his full consent.

THIS IS A PIVOTAL MOMENT FOR SHIZURAGI. It's no longer Hiiragi leading the relationship here. In the intimacy department, it's Shizu leading.😍👏😍

That's why Shizu is SOOOO OVERJOYED that he does that creepy-ass smile (lol that smile scares me). He probably doesn't even know how to smile because this is probably the SECOND time in his life that he's smiled (awwww T_T)

3. When Hiiragi is wailing "ahhh no way" "what is this" "I'm scared" according to my Japanese friends, NONE of them meant a hard "no" or telling Shizu to "stop". They were more like "omg this is overwhelming, what is happening?!" Which is perfectly normal if this is your FIRST time having sex EVER and with the person you LOVE.

4. Hiiragi crying can also be perceived as cathartic crying because he is finally seeing an emotionally expressive side of Shizu and that's understandably pretty overwhelmingly relieving! Like imagine seeing someone you love smile for the first time in such a long time, someone who never goes after what they want finally going after what they want, I reckon I would also be pretty emotional!

Hiiragi the earth sign TAURUS 🌎, the planet with water, is "emotionally" quenching the thirst of Shizu the water sign SCORPIO 💦, a dry desolate 🌙 moon, with his tears so that Shizu can smile!

(Kizu-sensei, the dual astrology and celestial body symbolism I can't I can't- you're too amazing)

Now up until this point in Shizu's existence,

Shizu's never been given this level of FREEDOM while also being LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY by someone before.

While previously Hiiragi got emotional about anything and anyone else but Shizu while always coming to Shizu for emotional support,

Chapter 41 is Shizu, the moon, finally causing Hiiragi, the earth, to have tidal waves of overwhelming emotions.

Now with everything in context, Shizu's confession isn't dramatic at all, it makes total sense, he really did put it in as simple words as he possibly could. This is everything he could ever want!!! The Shizuragi romance is explosive because it was previously clouded with Yuki trauma and idolisation. The moment the fog started to clear, everything clicked into place.

That's why in Chapter 42, it feels like Shizu has a sudden ~peRsOnaLiTy sWiTcH~ where he went from previously having such low self-esteem to suddenly obnoxiously bragging to Ue. Hiiragi's reciprocation gives him a renewed sense of purpose in life where he is willing to do whatever it takes, MORE THAN EVER BEFORE, to stay by Hiiragi's side now knowing that Hiiragi loves him too.

(Bruh. Holy shit. Everything makes sense)

___

So, going back to this question...

*Why did Akigetsu end and Shizuragi work out?

I think this is SOOO interesting to think about. Both couples, all four of them give us the sense that they grew up from broken families where they had NO ONE but each other. As children of abandonment, both couples' love are so intense where they couldn't help but cling onto each other.

(there are a lot more reasons but I'm just going to stick to the ones that compare the two couples)

Akigetsu ended because Ugetsu realised that even though Akihiko understood him on a level that no one else ever would, Akihiko still idolised Ugetsu, and that caused him suffering. But Ugetsu's attempt to break them up is to continue to exacerbate that insecurity, to elongate that distance by putting Akihiko down as lower trash. Akihiko then feels worse and worse causing him to lash out and shut down rather than actually be able to view the situation objectively.

Shizuragi worked out because Shizu idolised Hiiragi and realised that Hiiragi had low self-esteem and idolized Yuki. Shizu's reaction is to put himself down rather than glorify Hiiragi verbally, he elongates that distance by leaving Hiiragi where he is and SCARING him into thinking that he has to stoop down to Shizu's level of lower trash. Therefore, Hiiragi just has to stay where he is and look at everything with clearer eyes. And thankfully, Hiiragi, with the help of the Yuki-Ueno song, does gain a more objective view on the situation and decides to still choose Shizu even after all the provoking.

Shizu and Akihiko are mirrors as well. Akihiko was not good at holding Ugetsu accountable and just endured Ugetsu's self-sabotaging actions (the mug scene is a great example). But Shizu held Hiiragi accountable for emotionally dumping on him in Mix_8. YOU NEED THAT IN A RELATIONSHIP, TO HOLD EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE.

Hiiragi and Ugetsu are also mirrors being the ones that are more overtly idolized in their relationship. But Hiiragi did what Ugetsu should have done, Hiiragi encouraged Shizu to go after what he wants, that Shizu is worthy to not give up on his dreams and hopes. So if Ugetsu encouraged Akihiko to practise harder so that they can be together rather than belittle him, Akihiko I reckon would have been able to stay where he was and view the situation more objectively.

(DO YOU SEE HOW WELL THE SHIZURAGI RELATIONSHIP IS CRAFTED?! FURTHERMORE, I LOVE THAT THE ALL GIVEN COUPLES ARE CROSS-MIRRORS OF EACH OTHER IN SOME WAY!!!)

Shizuragi, as children of abandonment, are now bound to each other more than ever. Of course this means there is heightened level of co-dependency (as we can see that Shizu now brags about how he still revolves around Hiiragi hmnnnnn....not healthy) so I hope that Kizu will address this at a later point.

-> I have a theory.... I feel that SYH might disband soon after their debut, not because Shizuragi will break up, but because they might realise they don't need music and the band to stay together. The reason why I think this is because the moment Mafuyu joined, the Seasons rebranded as themselves as Given the band. SYH stayed as SYH even though the vibe and style of the band has changed a lot since Yuki's passing. Isn't that fascinating? As much as I love SYH, I think disbanding is potentially a good thing, I don't think either Shizu or Hiiragi are truly passionate about music as they are just trying to use music as a way to hold onto each other and to hold onto the past (at least in my eyes). They might disband or they might rebrand, that's my feeling.

With Given,

you have to read in between the lines and constantly question the deeper meaning behind the characters' actions and words.

Kizu specifically chose a non-linear way of storytelling because it reflects real life where you don't have all the pieces of the puzzle handed to you at the same time. You have to figure it out, bit by bit, remember the details of people's past, notice how and why people contradict themselves at times, have the patience to listen and be supportive even when things don't immediately make sense. Given is a masterpiece because it shows us that

People are both flawed and beautiful.

Masterlist of my Given Metas

If you like what you've read, all I post is basically Given analysis content! Give my blog a follow to be notified of new posts! #metapotato

---

-> IMPORTANT NOTE: I just want to say that as a woman interpreting Given, I do not have any lived experiences of being in a gay relationship so my interpretations may lack certain nuances. But as a gay-ally, I think it is so important to keep listening to those who have lived experiences. So I highly recommend you reading @a-voice-of-my-own's AO3 fanfic GOLDEN. I read this fanfic after I wrote this post and it was a fantastic read! I think it provides some wonderful insight into Shizu's inner monologue during this arc!

#metapotato #given #given manga #shizuragi #shizusumi yagi #kashima hiiragi #given meta #hiiragi kashima #hiiragi x shizusumi #yagi shizusumi #hiiragi given #hiiragi shizu #kizu natsuki #natsuki kizu #yuki yoshida #storytelling #akigetsu #akihiko x ugetsu #ugetsu murata #shounen ai #ugetsu x akihiko #ugetsu given #this is canon #yeah I used to really dislike Shizu no kidding #But after writing this meta my perspective changed completely #I do hope that he will continue to grow and find his own passions and dreams

[kumeko]

A/N: For the @givenseasonszine! As probably the only one who wants a happy ending for these two, I have to make my own food.

…

…

…

…

First movement:

You don’t play the violin anymore.

When Ugestu thought about it, really sat down and thought about it, that observation was the beginning of the end. The moment when his and Akihiko’s relationship unraveled, when he’d first realized just how deeply they were tied together.

But he was a coward and that was precisely why he never thought about it, stowing the thought neatly away in the corner of his mind.

Cadenza

Ugetsu slid his bow across the violin, the movement as effortless and smooth as breathing. The high C cut through the air, lingering as it reverberated off the soundproof walls of his basement apartment. For a moment, he closed his eyes and listened, let the sound fill him to the brim.

The note dissipated. “It sounds off,” he murmured. The piece sounded shallow, hollow almost. He pressed down on another string, slid the bow across, but the feeling remained. Turning around, he asked, “Aki, what do you—”

The space behind him was empty, his practice partner nowhere in sight. Ugetsu’s lips parted softly as he remembered what he shouldn’t have forgotten: Aki was gone.

Aki had finally left.

There wouldn’t be any duets, not anymore. Lifting his violin once more, Aki started the piece over from the beginning.

He would just have to get used to the hollow sound.

Adagio

The fridge was empty. Ugetsu squeezed his eyes shut before slowly reopening them. Nope, that hadn’t changed a thing. Stray bottles littered the shelves: ketchup, a half-finished bottle of soya sauce, expired mayo. If he were fully honest, he wasn’t surprised by this fact. The kitchen had always been Aki’s purview, whether it was the early morning breakfasts or the late-night snacks.

Undeterred, Ugetsu yanked open the cupboards. A forgotten cereal sat in one and an unopened jar of jam in yet another. A lone mug sat on the top shelf, forcing Ugetsu on his toes as he tried to grab it. Aki must have put it there, forgetting just how short he was. Or perhaps it was on purpose, a last ditch dig at him.

“The least he could have done was put everything at human height,” Ugetsu grumbled, dragging over a chair as he gave up. His ex-lover liked to lord it over him sometimes, his lips curled into a smug smirk as he stared down at him.

It had been so easy to undo that smirk, to unravel Aki like he was loosening a string on a violin. A single kiss, a lingering touch, the briefest brush of skin and the man would bite his lip and tremble. Ugetsu’s prize would be claimed on the nearest flat surface.

Today’s prize was a single, unbroken coffee mug. Ugetsu slipped his fingers around the cool ceramic and slowly stepped down off the chair. Going to the coffee maker, he stared perplexed at the assortment of coffee flavours. At least there was only one way to use the machine. Randomly, Ugetsu picked one of the flavours and started off the machine.

It tasted bitter, but that was the point.

Decrescendo

“Ugetsu.” The man beside him breathed out his name, his hands gripping Ugetsu’s shoulders urgently. Bending down, he planted a kiss on his neck. Compared to the chilly spring air, his breath was hot. “Hurry.”

Ugetsu resisted the urge to roll his eyes. True, he had intended for things to reach this point, had teased and flirted with his bandmate until he was blue in the balls, but it wouldn’t be remiss for him to have a little more control, would it? To at least hold himself together until they were in the apartment.

Then again, Aki used to be frantic too sometimes, his—Ugetsu wasn’t going to think of him.

No, Ugestu was going to focus on the viola player behind him, the man who played so poorly it wasn’t worth remembering his name. Not bothering to turn on the lights, he dragged his lover downstairs to his bed. There was a certain sense to it all, the same as playing the violin. He scraped his nails across his ribs, like a bow across the strings, listening to the sounds made. Trying and failing not to compare them to Aki. Trying and failing not to remember how Aki used to play him, the cold metal studs brushing his skin as his ex (and that was important, to remember the ex, to remember that that wasn’t supposed to mean anything) had peppered him with kisses.

The basement was cold, trapped in a perpetual winter, but not even the extra body warmed it up. It seemed playing the viola wasn’t the only thing his bandmate failed at.

Pianissimo

“I’m surprised you agreed to this,” his manager, Natsume, said, a wry grin on his face. Standing in the hallway, he swiped his card on the door and pushed it open. “I thought you were going to say no again.”

“You were the one pushing for a world tour,” Ugetsu muttered flatly, stepping into the plush hotel room. Before him sprawled a living room, filled with comfy couches and a hideous carpet. He dropped his jacket unceremoniously on the floor as he padded further in. “This is what you wanted.”

“Well, yes, but…” Natsume pulled in Ugetsu’s suitcases, dragging them to the adjoining bedroom. “I’ve been asking for almost a year. I didn’t think you’d actually say yes this time. I thought it wasn’t your thing.” Turning around, he cocked his head curiously. “What changed your mind?”

The rock magazines that piled in Ugetsu’s room, thumbed through briefly. The pictures of Aki and Haru on his feed. They were fucking now, he just knew it. Could tell by the possessive curl of Aki’s hand around Haru’s wrist, a tell-tale blush on the bassist’s ears. Aki was happy, it seemed.

Happier than he’d been for the past two years.

(But not as happy as when they’d first met. Everyone told one lie to themselves, and that was his: Aki would never be as happy as when they’d dated)

And Ugetsu had gotten what he’d wanted. He’d made this decision years ago; he couldn’t be sad about it.

“The basement is cold,” he said instead, flopping on the couch.

“Oh.” Natsume nodded knowingly. “Yeah, basements are like that—but it’s spring, right? It’ll get warmer soon.”

“It won’t,” Ugetsu stated softly, closing his eyes.

Concerto

The spotlight was bright, blindingly so. Ugestu could barely make out the shapes of people as they filled row after row in the hall, their jaws slack as he gently pressed down on a string and made the violin sing. Not that it mattered. Up here on the stage, there was only him and the music. One by one, he plucked notes from the air, breathing life to piece. The orchestra backed him up, their sounds mixing in with his own, but still his violin stood above them all.

This, this was his calling. His raison d’etre.

The thunderous applause after was only to be expected. Ugetsu smirked, bowing once, before stepping off the stage—

Piu

—and if the stage filled him, leaving it left him empty. His dressing room was vacant, no awkward drummer looking uncomfortably big as he slouched in a chair, an overly proud smile on his face as though it had been him on the stage and not Ugetsu. No heated teasing as Ugetsu loosened his collar, as slowly as possible to drive Aki mad. The wine by the mirror had only one glass beside it now, just as his apartment only had one mug.

There was something unbelievably lonely about it all. Ugetsu had wanted this. They had been losing themselves in each other, the boundary between Aki and himself blurring to nonexistence. Music was all he needed, really.

But he couldn’t play the violin 24/7, couldn’t stand on the stage endlessly.

Maybe he’d been wrong about it all, maybe there’d been a midpoint that he could have reached. But there was no point in thinking this; it was too late now to say sorry and forgive me and please take me back.

Like the monkey’s paw, he’d made a wish. He couldn’t take it back.

Fermata

“What brings you back to Japan?” From across the table, the interviewer smiled winningly at him, looking like a cheap Barbie doll. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “You’ve had a whirlwind tour of the world that stretched from one year to four. Are you taking a break from it all or is this just the next leg?”

The insult was on the tip of his tongue. Standing in a corner of the room, Natsume shook his head furiously, his arms crossed in front of him like an X, pleading him to not give a barbed compliment. It would be easy, so easy, to do so. Cruelty became of Ugetsu, after all.

Still. It was the last question. Another word and he’d be done. Glancing outside the office window, he studied the skeleton trees, the soft green buds just starting to show. “Another tour is in the works,” he answered succinctly. “It’s spring. I wanted to see the cherry blossoms.”

It wasn’t an answer, not really, but he got up before she could protest. As he walked out, he heard Natsume thank the interviewer profusely, no doubt bowing multiple times. He’d always been cowardly like that. Not bothering to wait for his manager, Ugetsu headed down the hall to the elevator. His place was probably dusty from misuse. Maybe he should have a maid clean it.

Or maybe he should just sell it off. There was nothing of value in it, especially if he was going to leave on yet another tour after this. It was a waste of money to keep it. The elevator dinged and lost in his thoughts, he stepped inside.

“Ugetsu?”

And that shocked utterance of his name, that almost breathless gasp, yanked him to the present. Glancing to his side, his eyes widened as he realized he was standing next to Aki. The elevator doors slide shut. “Aki?”

“Ah.” Recovering, Aki gave him an awkward smile. He rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re back.”

Ugetsu didn’t respond, taking in his ex. God, Aki still towered over him, his frame so big it felt like it could crush him. His hair was still cropped short, random spikes that felt more haphazard than planned. While he was wearing a suit, it looked sloppily forced on, the tie loose and crooked, the jacket wrinkled. As expected, he still didn’t like formal wear. If anything changed, it was the lines on his face, the crinkle brow as he smiled.

Aki looked like a man who smiled more often.

Ugetsu wished he could say the same of himself. For a brief moment, he panicked internally, trying to remember what he looked like this morning. Good, he hoped. At one point, that wouldn’t have been a question—his appearance was as effortless as his playing. But now…now he wasn’t certain. He’d lost weight, he knew. His face looked a little worn. Hopefully, none of that was readily apparent—if Aki was as observant as he used to be, his eyes would just slide right past that.

Aki was still looking at him expectantly. Finding his tongue, Ugetsu nodded. “Yeah.”

Fortunately, Aki didn’t look too off-put by the delayed response. “Last leg of the tour?”

No. “Yes,” Ugetsu found himself saying. “What are you here for?”

“An interview.” Aki grimaced, hunching slightly at the memory. “It’s freaking stuffy.”

That explained the suit. The band must be successful now. Ugetsu tore his eyes away and faced the front. “Don’t act so shocked—you’ve seen my interviews. You should have been prepared for that.”

Silence filled the elevator. Had he been too harsh? How were they supposed to interact, now that they didn’t have a relationship, romantic or otherwise? Aki snorted and involuntarily, Ugetsu looked at him, surprised. “What?”

“Just forgot that wicked tongue of yours.” Aki cackled, his shoulders shaking.

Should I remind you? He wanted to ask, wanted to push him against the elevator and bruise his lips. Part of him wanted to be cruel, to watch that laugh dissolve into something more broken. To see if Aki hurt at all the way he had for the past four years.

But more than that, he was tired of it all. There was no need to be cruel anymore, Aki was gone and he was alone and that was the whole point of it. “That was just a fact,” he said instead, resting his hands at his side.

“True enough.” Aki laughed. “I was always slow to learn.”

At one point, that would have sounded depreciative, full of self-loathing. But there was none of that today, just a sheepish smile and soft eyes. The jealous part of Ugetsu whispered that that bassist must have changed him.

The truthful part realized it wasn’t just who he was dating, but the band itself. More importantly, it was the distance between them.

They’d been terrible to each other. He’d known that, but it was another thing to see it. Aki looked like he had when they’d first met, like he had before they’d broken. Maybe he was even happier.

“Clearly,” he answered, forcing sharpness into his voice, fixing his expression into a blank one.

The elevator dinged as it stopped on the third floor and Aki straightened. “Well, that’s my stop.” As he stepped off, Ugetsu stared at his left hand. No longer hidden by the rest of Aki’s hulking body, he could see the violin case in his hand.

“You’re playing the violin again?” Ugetsu asked, unable to stop himself.

“Hmm?” Aki looked surprised before remembering the violin in his hands. “Yeah. Might not be at your standards, but…” He grinned. “I’m having fun with it.”

You don’t play the violin anymore.

Unbidden, he remembered that first observation, that first realization.

They really were broken up. They really were moving apart. Aki had already started walking down his new path, away from him.

Part of him felt sad. Part of him felt happy.

“That’s good,” he said truthfully.

Most of him just felt abandoned.

The doors slid shut before Aki could respond and Ugetsu slid down against the elevator wall, overwhelmed.

(Everyone had a lie that they told themselves, and his was this: that he wasn’t lonely.)

As the elevator hit the ground floor, he unfolded his limbs and stood up. Compartmentalizing all of his feelings, he stepped out of the elevator and strode quickly across the lobby. Outside, the wind was warm, the last dredges of winter finally forgotten.

It was a nice day. Maybe he’d walk back to his place.

Second movement

You’re playing the violin again?

Aki stared at the closed elevator doors, at where his ex had been standing just minutes ago. The shock on his face, the quiver of his voice—for all of his walls, Ugetsu’s body so easily betrayed him. Up until this moment, Aki hadn’t thought that Ugetsu had cared about his playing aside from the occasional practice session.

“Aki!” Ritsuka poked his head out of a room down the hall. Annoyed, he glared at him. “You’re late.”

“Right, right.” Aki stared at the elevator one last time before running down the hall.

Molto vivace

Sitting cross-legged, Aki flipped through the pages and pages of sheet music Mafuyu had composed. At this point, he didn’t know if he should be impressed or concerned with the way the singer was churning out songs. “He isn’t going to stop, is he?”

“Nope. That’s a genius for you.” Haruki smiled fondly as he sat down across from him, handing him a mug of coffee. Sipping his own cup, he studied the lyrics. “At least the songs are happy these days.”

“That’s Ritsuka’s influence.” Aki smirked, tapping on a line about fumbling hands and heated kisses. “That one is definitely out of experience.”

“No wonder he gets so embarrassed whenever Mafuyu talks about a new song.” Haruki sighed, his ears a little red as read through the song. Looking a little peevish, he flipped the page. “It’s like reading an update on their relationship.”

“That’s why you don’t date the lyricist.” His smirk grew wider as he thought of their next practice. It was too easy, he had to admit, but he could only hold back so far. Mafuyu’s songs were like red cape, begging him to charge through and use them.

Catching his expression, Haru frowned. “I know that look. Don’t tease him.” When Aki raised a brow, he sighed and relented. “Fine, but go easy, okay?”

“Of course.” Aki decided not to mention they had two different definitions of easy.

“I’m just glad the media hasn’t caught on yet.” Haruki grimaced. “Can you imagine if the interviewers asked? Ritsuka would flip.”

“We’d be on an apology tour,” Aki agreed, remembering the interview they had last week. It was always a close one with Ritsuka, oddly enough, his short temper occasionally flaring up when a particularly embarrassing question was asked. Even the start—

You’re playing the violin again?

Aki stopped short as he remembered meeting Ugetsu. He still hadn’t told anyone. It had been awkward enough for him to meet his ex, let alone to tell other people about it. And even if he did, he wasn’t sure what he’d say. Unexpectedly, it hadn’t been painful. It hadn’t been sad or even angry. It had just been and perhaps that was what time did, ease the heartache and memories enough that they could stand in an elevator, chatting like they were old acquaintances and not ex-lovers.

Then again, maybe it could have always been that easy. He glanced at Haruki, still flipping through the lyrics, looking a cross between curious and guilty. Their relationship had taught him many things—how easy it was to love, how fun music could be. How breakups didn’t have to be painful. After it all, they had slipped back into old patterns of friendship.

He’d forgotten, while with Ugetsu, that pain didn’t have to be the default. He’d forgotten how easy it had all been in the beginning, when they were still in highschool and dating.

“Hey, Haru,” Aki asked, watching his friend. “Is it strange that I’m playing the violin?”

“Huh?” Haruki blinked, processing the question. After a few seconds, he scrunched his face funny, still trying to understand. “What’s that about? Did the interviewer ask?”

“No.” Aki rested his jaw on his clasped hands. “Just wondering.”

Haruki didn’t look for a second that he was buying it, but he shrugged and let it go. “I mean, at first, yeah. I didn’t think you were really into it. But now…not really? You love the violin, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Aki looked down at the sheet music, at Mafuyu’s passion for Ritsuka and music overflowing from the paper. It had felt so complicated, long ago in the basement, but nothing was simpler. He loved the violin. He loved music. “I do.”

He remembered the slightly dead look in Ugetsu’s eyes, the thinness of his wrists, and maybe Ugetsu had forgotten that now too.

Crescendo

There were many things Aki would do for his band: late practices, moral support, social networking updates. All important, vital things to keep the band relevant and increase the fanbase. Even during the interviews he loathed, he’d grin and bear it.

The one thing he refused to handle was Ritsuka and Mafuyu’s relationship issues and the second Mafuyu came into the practice room, all teary-eyed, he’d shoved Haruki at him and bolted. Whatever it was, the problem would be solved in a day or two—he’d never seen Ritsuka stay mad for longer than that; the boy couldn’t handle Mafuyu’s tears any better than he could.

Besides, the band needed tea and snacks and other supplies and someone had to make sure they were stocked. At the very least, he had to keep the tissue box supply up. Honestly, it was helping his team that he was out here in the supermarket.

Coward, came Haruki’s immediate rebuttal. Even if it wasn’t in all caps, the text looked vaguely threatening.

Sorry, Aki replied back. Want me to grab anything?

He had to scroll to read the resulting text. Haruki had clearly been saving this list for a while now. Still, it was a small penance to pay. As he entered the chips aisle, he looked up from his phone to find the ketchup chips Haruki secretly adored. A small bribe for forgiveness. As he reached up for it, he was surprised to find another hand grabbing it at the same time.

Even more surprised to find the hand belonged to Ugetsu. His jaw went slack as he stared.

“Close your jaw, you’re catching flies,” Ugetsu drawled, plucking the packet out of his hands.

Aki flushed, embarrassed. Well, it wasn’t like anyone could blame him. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Ugetsu in a grocery store. Even when they were together, restocking the fridge had been his job. “You’re here.”

“I have to eat,” Ugetsu pointed out, his eyebrow raised. With a deadpan expression, he gestured at his basket. “I am human.”

That was a fact that had been all too easy to forget. Sometimes it had felt like Ugetsu lived off music and moonlight, like a mythical creature of yore. Aki had forgotten that he was flesh and blood, that there was something human about his very inhuman ex. “Do you even know how to shop?”

“Rude.” Ugetsu glared at him, but there wasn’t any fire behind it.

“I expected your manager or your—” The word boyfriendwas stuck in his throat. It was hard to think Ugetsu in a relationship, Ugetsu in love. Even when they’d been stuck in that quagmire of a relationship, the lovers he’d brought home had never been more than a one-night fling. Lamely, he finished, “Friends to do it.”

“I don’t have friends,” Ugestu stated simply, grabbing another packet of chips. “And Natsume has a tour to manage. Besides, I can handle something this simple.” He rolled his eyes at Aki’s disbelieving look. “You’d think I never did anything.”

You didn’t, he wanted to say, but that felt unnecessarily cruel. And untrue—Ugetsu hadn’t done anything, but Aki had been more than willing to do everything. Glancing down at his basket, Aki frowned. “That’s all junk food.”

Ugetsu shrugged. “Food is food.”

So he had been right earlier. Aki looked back up. Ugetsu looked thinner than before, his bones bird-like and brittle. It’d take just a squeeze to break his fragile wrist. Even his skin looked paler than it used to, the bags under his eyes unmistakable. “That’s not right.” With a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair. “Come over, I’ll cook you something.”

Ugetsu’s eyes widened imperceptibly, and Aki realized what he’d just offered. Before he could take it back, Ugetsu snorted and turned away. “I’ll stick to the chips.”

Fortissimo

There were few music halls in Tokyo that gave a clear sound, that had the right amount of echo and ambience. Fewer still were the halls that Ugetsu liked and so it shouldn’t have been a surprise to find him in the theatre across from their old university. It had been an old haunt of his back when they were still in school. Aki shouldn’t have expected it to change now that they were graduated. Briefly, he considered going home and practicing here another day, but now that the band was taking off, his violin sessions were rare enough as is.

Besides, there was something awe-inspiring about watching Ugetsu play. It was impossible for Aki to tear his eyes away. It was hard enough remembering to breath. Eyes closed, Ugetsu wove one movement into the next, flowing from Bach to Mozart and back again. He’d gotten even better than the last time they’d seen each other, than the last time Aki had slipped into one of his concerts. It was a bitter pill to swallow. Then again, Ugetsu’s true love had always been music and he’d been blind not to see that before.

The music stopped, the violin falling to his side, and Aki couldn’t stop himself from clapping.

Ugetsu blinked, surprised, his head jerking up. When he spotted Aki, he frowned. “You can’t afford a private performance.”

Approaching the stage, Aki chuckled. He didn’t even want to know how much that would cost. “I don’t think anyone could afford your rates,” he shot back wryly.

“True.” He kneeled and gently set the violin back in its case. As the lid snapped shut with a sharp click, the spotlight turned off and the main theatre lights brightened. The ‘concert’ was over. Regally, Ugetsu walked over to the stairs. There was something almost predatory about the way he walked, like a leopard stalking the halls.

“As modest as usual,” Aki muttered, rolling his eyes. He stepped back to let Ugetsu walk past him. Now that he was closer, he didn’t look as grand as he did on the stage. The fire that was missing from his insults was also gone from his eyes now, and something about Ugetsu felt lesser.

It was a strange thought.

“Modesty is for those who don’t understand their talents,” Ugetsu replied. His violin case swung beside him like a metronome. “Or for those who don’t have any.”

Even that barb felt lacking. Aki couldn’t quite put a pin on it and just watched as Ugetsu stalked out of the concert.

Sempre

“And these are?” Ugetsu stared at the offending tickets in his hand, eyebrow raised.

“We have a concert next weekend,” Aki replied, examining apples as he selected six of them. If it had been strange to find Ugetsu in the grocery store that first time, it had been even stranger to bump into him a second time. By the fifth time, though, it had felt almost commonplace to find him there.

Yet another word he had never thought he’d use to describe Ugetsu. Common. He peeked at his…he didn’t even know how to describe him anymore. Ex was true, but that felt long ago now. They were definitely not friends. Companion? Maybe?

Honestly, at this point he wasn’t even sure what to call this relationship of theirs. They bumped into each other occasionally now and the only difference from their first chance meeting at the reporter’s place was that Ugetsu looked a smidgen healthier now. At least, Aki hoped that was the case and not his eyes playing tricks on him. He also hoped that Ugetsu actually ate the fruits he snuck into his grocery bags.

“I can tell that much.” Ugetsu gave him an annoyed look. “Why are you giving them to me?”

That was a harder question to answer. “Thought you might like to see how Mafuyu’s changed,” he answered, a partial truth.

“Hmm. Well, he certainly does have talent.” Ugetsu studied the tickets again before finally pocketing one. Holding out the other one, he added, “I don’t need this.”

Aki blinked, his hand already reaching up to take the extra ticket. “What about—”

“I don’t have friends,” Ugetsu reminded scornfully, and for a man who looked like he’d forgotten what it was like to live off the stage, he certainly seemed oddly proud of that fact.

“And, uh…” Aki frowned, not sure how to put it. “Boyfriend?”

Ugetsu merely shot him a look before marching to the chips aisle.

Sforanzadoo

The basement hadn’t changed in the least. Standing at the entrance, at the threshold between entering and staying outside, Aki swallowed. There was something foreboding about entering, about the dark staircase that threatened to consume everything that entered.

Then again, this wasn’t four years ago, and he wasn’t the man was drowning in self-pity. And now, it seemed, neither was Ugetsu. For better or for worse, he’d changed as well.

“Hurry up,” Ugetsu panted.

Well, in some ways, at least. Aki glanced to his right, to the man standing only because of Aki’s arm wrapped around his chest. Behind them, the rain continued to pour, a rare spring shower that washed away everything in its path. Summer and the monsoon season were coming, the dark skies warned. This was only a little taste of what was next.

“You know you get sick easily,” Aki reprimanded, stepping into the apartment. Nothing happened as he entered, the place was just a place, and it was strange to realize the mythology people made of their own pasts. How memory had changed this place into a dragon’s den when it was really just an basement apartment. It looked just like when he’d left it and he slowly dragged Ugetsu to the bedroom. “I can’t believe you caught a cold walking home.”

“If you don’t stop talking, I’ll give it to you,” Ugetsu threatened, his voice scratchy and low. Any inkling of fear that might have risen from that disappeared as he coughed up a lung.

“How scary.” Aki suddenly wanted to apologize to Haruki for leaving him alone with Mafuyu all those other times. This had to be karma. While he had expected the rain after practice, he hadn’t expected to find a shivering Ugetsu under an awning, his skin flush as a fever raced through him. The man got sick so easily sometimes. “There you go.”

Gently, he laid Ugetsu down on his bed. His skin was hot, too hot, and Aki brushed his forehead. He’d have to get a cooling pack later. At least he had the foresight to buy medicine—knowing Ugetsu, the only thing he stocked up on was bandages.

“Ahhh,” Ugetsu sighed blissfully as he sank into his bed. “This is soft.”

“Too soft,” Aki snipped, dragging the blanket over his supine body. “You’re hurting your posture.”

Squirming deeper into the blankets, Ugetsu shook his head. “It’s perfect.”

It was like taking care of a child. He’d forgotten how spoiled Ugetsu could get. “I’ll go get your medicine."

Before he could turn away, a hand stuck out of the blankets and grabbed his shirt. Ugetsu peeked out of the nest he was forming, his dark eyes unreadable. “Don’t go.”

And that, that he didn’t know how to take. How to handle. Despite himself, his heart skipped a beat and he could feel a familiar flush on his ears. He swallowed, his mouth dry. “I…” They stared at each other for a long moment. “I need to get the pills.”

Just as suddenly, Ugetsu let go, burying his head once more. Which was great, because Aki wasn’t sure if he could handle Ugetsu’s stares right now. He could barely handle the jack-hammering of his heart. This was stupid. They were exes who broke up for a good reason, Aki had dated other people, he was over Ugetsu. And that was the truth.

Just as it was true that there was something magnetic about Ugetsu, some quality that Aki would always find attractive. Maybe even more so now that they’d been apart for so long, that he knew what it was like to love without losing one’s self.

Aki frowned. These thoughts were uncalled for. It had to be because he was in the basement again, taking care of Ugetsu like he’d done a dozen times before. Opening the cupboards, he searched for glasses.

Or, in this case, glass. Actually, now that he looked, the cupboards were criminally bare. There was a single mug, a single plate—just one of everything. Had Ugetsu smashed everything else? There weren’t even canned foods, just the chips that Ugetsu liked to hoard. Yanking open the fridge, he stared at the rows of chilled wine. A couple of eggs, a bag of cheese—there were small things that could make a meal, perhaps, but nothing that Aki would call food.

The red apples he’d selected sat in the bottom drawer and he was a little pleased to find that at least two were missing.

“You have nothing in your kitchen.” Aki glowered as he re-entered the bedroom, a mug of water in one hand, two pills in the other.

Ugetsu sat up slightly, accepting the medicine. Softly, he rebutted, “I have wine.”

“That’s not food.” Aki watched as Ugetsu drank, his Adam’s apple bobbing with each sip. “No wonder you’re sick. What do you even go to the grocery store for?”

Ugetsu stopped drinking. Holding out the mug, he looked away. “Here, I’m done. You can go now.”

That was unexpectedly cold. He stared at the mug, then back at Ugetsu. Then again, he’d always been hot and cold like that. Gingerly, Aki accepted the cup. “Sure.” Ugetsu’s face was still flushed, sweaty hair sticking to his face, his eyes slightly watery. No one in that condition should be left alone. “I can go but someone has to come. Your manager? Your boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Ugetsu croaked.

“Right, right.” Aki rolled his eyes. Even now, he had to play that game. “Fine, whatever you call them. Lover, one-night stand—”

“There’s no one,” Ugetsu interrupted sharply, his teeth bared. He looked like a cornered animal, ready to fight. Weaker now, he spit out, “You can laugh.”

Dumbfounded, Aki stared. “What?”

“I know you want to,” Ugetsu answered mockingly, but for once the cruelty in his voice was aimed at himself. “Laugh! Go ahead!” He lay flat on his back, his hand blocking his eyes. “I pushed everyone away and I’m getting exactly what I wanted.”

Ugetsu was unravelling in front of him. Slowly, Aki walked forward and stared down at Ugetsu’s half-hidden expression. There was an urge, a need, to see his eyes, to see just what was hidden. “No one?” Gently, he pried Ugetsu’s hand away.

Teary eyes stared up at him. Aki couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen Ugetsu cry. His smile turned scornful. “I’m alone.” The medicine kicked in, his eyes fluttering shut, his words slurring into one another. “It’sss wha I desserve.”

Aki could only stare.

Sempre piu

This is idiotic, Aki thought, standing outside of the studio. He fumbled with the pockets of his jacket, searching for a cigarette before remembering that he and Haruki were trying to quit. Another idiotic decision. He’d never needed a smoke as much as he needed one now.

“Are you smoking?” Mafuyu asked, appearing next to him as silently as a ghost.

Aki had to resist the urge to jump. “No.” He dug his hands in his pockets, grumpy. “I just want to.”

“Here, use this.” Smiling innocently, he offered a cherry-flavoured lollipop.

A sweet flavour. Aki debated taking it for a second, but damn, he craved something and this was better than nothing. “Thanks.” Ripping off the wrapping paper, he shuddered. “Ugh, so sweet.”

“Why’re you outside?” Mafuyu asked, looking up cautiously at the sky. The clouds were clearing, the evening sunlight filtering through the gaps.

It had been over a week since that conversation. By now, Ugetsu was probably healthy. Probably. He hadn’t bumped into him at the grocery story again or the theatre or any of the other dozens of places they ran into one another and he wasn’t sure if that was because he was avoiding Ugetsu or vice versa. Maybe a mix of both. “No reason.”

“Oh, is it because of Ugetsu?”

Aki snapped his head to the singer. Haruki had mentioned before about being afraid of Mafuyu and suddenly he understood why. “You psychic?” he asked, unable to stop himself. It was the only possible solution. Or that Mafuyu was a mindreader, but if that was the case, he was already doomed.

Mafuyu considered it before shaking his head. “No.”

Somehow, that made it even scarier. Like, was there some other secret power the kid was hiding? Pushing his fears to the side, Aki hesitantly asked, “Then how?”

“Oh, we text.” Mafuyu fiddled with his phone, a pleasant smile on his face.

Somehow, that shouldn’t have surprised him at all. Geniuses were, after all, weirdos and of course they were in contact with one another. Maybe he should ask him if Ugetsu said anything—no, that wouldn’t be fair. That would be cowardly and he was tired of cowardice ruling their relationship, whatever form it took now. “I see.” Aki sucked on the lollipop, not sure what to say.

“He’s changed,” Mafuyu added, looking very pleased. “He’s given tips for my songs.”

Well, that didn’t sound like the Ugetsu he knew. Then again, that confession before didn’t sound like the Ugetsu he knew either. “Insulting the entire time?” Aki asked.

“No.” Mafuyu frowned and scratched his cheek. “A little.”

Ah, that made more sense. “That sounds right.”

“Just like this.” Mafuyu waved his hand back and forth, gesturing at himself and Aki. “You two should talk just like this.”

Aki frowned, his brow knitting as he stared at the university student. Just what, exactly, did Ugetsu tell him? How much? And was it more dangerous to find out than to remain in the dark? “What?”

“You guys didn’t talk last time,” Mafuyu explained simply, scuffing his shoe on the ground. He clasped his hands behind his back. “You should talk this time instead of crying alone.”

Somehow, he had a feeling Mafuyu wasn’t talking about him. It seemed, at least, Ugetsu had one thing wrong—he wasn’t alone. He had at least one friend.

Maybe two, depending on how things panned out. Ruffling Mafuyu’s head, he grinned. “Can’t believe I’m getting relationship advice from you, pipsqueak.”

Ensemble

Aki rang the doorbell twice. Shifting his weight from foot to foot, he waited impatiently for a response. Maybe Ugetsu was out. Or asleep. Or—

The door opened and Ugetsu froze as he stared at him. They stared at each other for a long moment. “You…”

“Me,” Aki confirmed, holding up the grocery bags in his hands. “I brought food.”

Ugetsu stared at the bags, then up at him. His eyes flickered over his shoulder before returning to him. “Why are you here?”

“You’ll get sick again if you keep eating chips,” he replied, rolling his eyes and pushing past Ugetsu. “Now let me in, it’s still cold.”

Ugetsu pressed himself to the wall, not saying anything for once. It was strange to find him so quiet, so compliant. Maybe he was still sick. Aki glanced back at him, but fortunately there was no feverish flush on his cheeks. Just the usual vampire-esque pallor. Opening the fridge, he started putting away the vegetables he’d bought.

Silence reigned over the kitchen. The only sound was the click of drawers opening, of bags rustling. As Aki put away the cartoon of milk, Ugetsu finally asked, “What are you doing here?”

He stared into the fridge, gathering his courage, before closing the door shut. “We have to talk.”

“About what?” Ugetsu turned away, avoiding eye contact.

“About us.”

And maybe it was the tone in his voice, maybe Ugetsu really had changed, but when Aki gestured at the chairs, Ugetsu quietly perched himself on the edge of a seat. “Fine.”

Aki busied himself in the kitchen. Now that it’d come to this, he had no idea of where to start. Starting with the basics, he set a mug underneath the coffee maker and prayed the satchels weren’t four years old. If he killed Ugetsu due to food poisoning, he wasn’t sure if the world or Ugetsu’s ghost would kill him first. He set the now-filled mug in front of Ugetsu. “Here.”

Lifting it, Ugetsu sniffed it lightly before taking a small sip. His eyes widened in surprise. “It’s sweet.”

“Yeah.” Aki frowned, not sure if that was a compliant. “You like it that way, right?”

“Yeah, it’s just…” Ugetsu smiled enigmatically, taking another sip. “It’s been a while.”

He didn’t know what to do with that response. Had his tastes changed? What else was different? Busying himself in the kitchen, he pulled out a cutting board and a knife. Anything to keep him from focusing too intensely on the man who looked so nostalgic from a cup of coffee. “How was the tour?”

Ugetsu shrugged. “It happened.”

Halting in his tracks, Aki raised a brow. While Ugetsu was never one to jump for joy, that response felt far shorter and more detached than he was used to. “That’s it? I thought you’d be more excited.”

“It was a long tour.” Ugetsu glanced at him and shrugged again. “The excitement wore off.”

Well, considering his band wasn’t even close to a world tour yet, he couldn’t relate. Hopefully, he’d never feel like that. Aki opened the fridge and grabbed the vegetables he’d bought. “Is that why you stopped?”

Ugetsu took another sip. “How’s the band?”

That wasn’t an answer but Aki didn’t really need to know the answer. “Lot’s of fun. You should hear Mafuyu’s new songs—he’s like a machine, cranking them out.”

“I imagine.” Ugetsu resisted his chin on a hand, watching as he washed the peppers. “He is awfully talented.”

“Just like you.” Aki let the cold water run over his hands. “Why were you surprised about my violin? I used to play with you.”

“No reason.” Ugetsu lowered his eyes, his expression neutral. “You only played with me. I was surprised, nothing else.”

There was more to that answer, he was sure. What he didn’t know if was if he was ready to unpack it all. If he’d ever be able to unravel just what went on behind Ugetsu’s head. Genius, he remembered, felt more than anyone else. Felt more intensely than anyone else.

If only they had the speaking skills to convey that. Aki bit his cheek. There was no easy segue into what he wanted to ask, what he’d wanted to ask for years. It was the only question he needed to know the answer to. “Why did we break up?”

Silence pervaded in the room and for a second, Aki thought Ugetsu had forgotten how to breathe. His eyes grew wide, his fingers trembled as he held the cup. Then, forcing a wry smirk, he replied, “Because I stopped loving you.”

And that hurt, as he’d expected. Even if it had been years, that still hurt. Gritting his teeth, he asked, “Ugetsu. The truth.”

Ugetsu said nothing, merely stared at his coffee. He stuck a finger in it and swirled its contents. “That is the truth.”

Aki stared at him a long moment. So, nothing had changed, after all. Ugetsu still kept his insufferable walls up, still refused to talk about important matters as though the topic was settled and done with. Well, even if Ugetsu remained stagnant, he hadn’t. Without hesitation, Aki set down the knife and the carrot he was cutting. “You can figure out the rest on your own.”

Ugetsu jerked his head up. “What?”

“Cook or don’t, I don’t care.” Pivoting, Aki left the kitchen and headed toward the stairs. He didn’t have to put up with this bullshit, not anymore. If Ugetsu was going to make it like pulling yarn, if he was going to be his own worst enemy again, Aki didn’t have to deal with it.

That wasn’t what love was. That wasn’t what friendship was. And that certainly wasn’t what whatever was between them was.

Not for the last time, he silently thanked Haru for entering his life.

“Aki?” From behind him, Aki heard Ugetsu scramble to his feet, heard the mug hit the countertop with a hard thud.

He didn’t turn around. He’d had enough of these games. “See you around.”

“Aki! Wait! Damnit, you don’t have—you bastard, this isn’t—” Ugetsu blurted out frantically, his words rushing out faster and faster as Aki grabbed his coat and headed up the stairs. “I was scared!”

Aki stopped at the outburst. Those last words came out heavy, weighty, and he turned around. Ugetsu was staring at him, breathing heavily, his eyes wide. His fingers curled into a fist and this wasn’t the look of a man coming up with a lie to keep him here.

This was the truth. And while he probably should go, should just walk up the stairs and leave this mess of a man behind, Aki had craved this answer for years. Without saying anything, he sat down on the foot of stairs and waited.

At a loss, Ugetsu stared at him. “You’re really going to make me say it.” When Aki merely raised a brow in response, he gritted his teeth. “Fine.” He sat back down and stared at his mug, as though he could divine the right words from its murky depths. Maybe he could. Geniuses were often surprising. “You…me…” Ugetsu swallowed. “We were becoming one.”

Aki couldn’t help himself. “That’s called being together.”

“Not like that.” Ugetsu shook his head vehemently. “We were losing ourselves. I loved you more than music and you…you stopped playing the violin.”

That wasn’t true, Aki almost refuted. Almost but he remembered, even before the darkness of this basement, he had spent more time drowning in Ugetsu’s eyes than practicing, had learned the curve of Ugetsu’s spine, the exact way to play his body until the genius unravelled and become a mess of gasps and off-key moaning. There had been something singularly obsessive about their love, even from the start. “And you didn’t tell me?”

“You would have disagreed.” Ugetsu shrugged. “You wouldn’t have thought there was a problem. And…” he paused, let the words linger in the air before finishing softly, “You’d have convinced me of it too.”

That sounded utterly selfish, the words of a scared man. “You were scared.”

Ugetsu didn’t disagree. He took stirred the coffee with his finger once more. “Yes.”

It was strange. When everything clicked into place, Aki had thought he’d feel a bit of catharsis, relieved by the revelations. Instead, he just felt sad. Sad for the time they’d lost. Sad for the relationship they could have had. Sad for all the heartache they could have avoided. If Ugetsu had talked more, if he had actually asked, they wouldn’t be like this today.

Taking a deep breath, Aki stood up. “You should have told me.”

Ugetsu didn’t look up, still playing with his mug. He looked smaller, his shoulders hunched, his head low. “Yes.”

“We could have fixed that, together.”

“Yes.”

“Good.” Now that that was settled, he returned to his cutting board and started to slice the carrots once more.

Surprised, Ugetsu looked up at him through his bangs. “You’re staying?”

“We aren’t done.” Aki focused on the repetitive chop of the knife. “You got what you wanted. Are you happy now?”

Ugetsu said nothing for a long moment and Aki wondered if the walls were back up, if he’d said all he was willing to say on the topic. Then, so quietly that he almost couldn’t hear it over the sound of the knife, Ugetsu muttered, “There’s more to life than music.”

Aki stopped cutting and looked up. “What?”

“I’m not repeating myself.” Ugetsu looked away, but his ears were red.

More to life than music.

Ugetsu of old would never have said that. Even now, Aki wasn’t certain this wasn’t a fever dream, that maybe he’d caught the cold too and was lying in bed dreaming. Ugetsu was drinking his coffee and the basement felt a little less gloomy and maybe it was time Aki accepted a truth about himself as well.

Despite it all, he still felt attracted to the pathetic man in front of him. Despite it all, he still felt enthralled by his nimble fingers sliding over the violin, by the curve of his lips, and even by the dry insults he gave as easily as breathing. Haruki and Ritsuka would probably hold this over his head for the rest of his life, but he had a feeling Mafuyu would understand.

At least, he hoped so. It would be really lonely at band practice otherwise.

“Hey, want to practice the violin together?” he asked. There was a possibility everything could end the same, that they would just rethread the same old path. This time, though, Ugetsu seemed less of a mess and Aki…well, Aki knew what mattered. Who mattered. Walking away wouldn’t be as hard.

Besides, with the way Ugetsu was looking at him now, his eyes wide and teary, a strangled yes escaping his lips, this felt like the right decision.

Andante

A breeze blew off the lake and Ugetsu shivered at the painful reminder it wasn’t yet summer. “Why are we here again?” he grumbled, tucking his hands in his pockets to keep them warm. There were many things to do on a Sunday afternoon—laze about, sleep in, play the violin. Not one of them involved going to a closed beach in the cold.

“Because you need to get out more.” Aki chuckled, reaching into Ugetsu’s pocket to intertwine their fingers. Their shoulders bumped as he leaned close and whispered in his ear, “I’ll make up for it later.”

Shooting him a dry look, Ugetsu snorted. “That goes without saying.”

“Good. Then we’re walking.” Aki grinned brightly. “Your spindly legs look like they’ll snap if you don’t exercise them.”

“Don’t hear you complaining about them in bed,” he retorted, but he let Aki tug him along as they headed down to the sand. Their hands were still clasped. Ugetsu didn’t let go.

#ugetsu murata #akihiko x ugetsu #kaji akihiko #given #akigetsu #fanfic

[moemoechristinee]

Anime Movie & Manga ~

Anime movie pics source : From the 5 minute trailer - https://youtu.be/7-qQ8kJLWO0

#given #given anime #given movie #kizu natsuki #my layout #my edit #akiharu #akigetsu #mafuyama #akihiko #haruki #ugetsu #uenoyama #mafuyu

[sasukeyeol]

fanfiction by @sasukeyeol

it’s been a while since i last advertised my writing (it has also been a while since i’ve posted something, though i have been writing).

fandoms in alphabetical order (the english titles - click on the titles!):

A

attack on titan | shingeki no kyojin

fall in the fire but these burns will heal you - rated T (06 sept 2020)

tags: major character death | levi/hange zoë | levi (shingeki no kyojin) | hange zoë | aot 132 spoilers | canon compliant | alternate universe - canon divergence | you're going to understand the divergent tags i swear | character death | survivor’s guilt | paths | mentions of other characters – freeform | levi's pov | time loop | causal loop | parallel universes | angst | hurt more hurt and then comfort | hopeful ending | happy ending | happy birthday hanji zoe | they/them pronouns for hanji

G

given

you love me losing my mind - rated G (12 feb 2021)

tags:  kaji akihiko/murata ugetsu | kaji akihiko | murata ugetsu | breakup | vent – freeform | so yes akigetsu is over here | no beta we die like akigetsu's relationship | given movie spoilers | given manga spoilers | a lot of emotional musical stuff that i call "almost a character study"

H

haikyu!!

don’t read the last page - rated T (18 july 2021)

tags:  tsukishima kei/yamaguchi tadashi | tsukishima kei | yamaguchi tadashi | tskymweek2021 | domestic fluff | relationship discussions | established relationship | fluff | long-distance relationship | tsukkiyama – freeform | yamatsukki | journaling | penpals

tongue - rated T

tags:  tsukishima kei/yamaguchi tadashi | tsukishima kei & yamaguchi tadashi | hinata shouyou & yamaguchi tadashi | hinata shouyou & kageyama tobio & tsukishima kei & yachi hitoka & yamaguchi tadashi | tsukishima kei | yamaguchi tadashi | hinata shouyou | there's more characters mentioned than actually being part of the plot and having dialogues | minor shimizu kiyoko/tanaka ryuunosuke | like two lines – freeform | minor azumane asahi/nishinoya yuu | friends to lovers | confessions | graduation | first years as third years | everyone is 18 at least | first kiss | neck kisses | mentions of alcohol but it's extremely light | tskymweek2020 | day 1 prompt affection | day 1 prompt kiss

M

my hero academia | boku no hero academia

start of time - rated T (20 apr 2020) (ch. 1 can be read as a standalone)

tags:  bakugou katsuki/kirishima eijirou | midoriya izuku/uraraka ochako | bakugou katsuki | kirishima eijirou | uraraka ochako | midoriya izuku | kaminari denki | ashido mina | bakugou birthday | happy birthday bakugou katsuki | hurt/comfort | alternate universe – vampires | alternate universe – witches | kiribaku week 2020 | i guess it counts | vampire bakugou katsuki | vampire midoriya izuku | witch uraraka ochako | kiribaku | bakushima | side izuocha | strangers to lovers | strangers to friends to lovers

T

tokyo ghoul

an apple is a link - rated G (26 oct 2020)

tags:  kirishima touka & urie kuki | kirishima touka & yonebayashi saiko | urie kuki & yonebayashi saiko | mutsuki tooru & urie kuki | kaneki ichika & kirishima touka | kaneki ichika & urie kuki | urie kuki | kirishima touka | kaneki ichika | yonebayashi saiko | mutsuki tooru | #tgweek2020 | day 1 bonds / friends | canon compliantish | post-canon | all relationships strictly platonic | i had a mighty need of urietouka bonding and being friends | if you squint lightly very lighty implied mutsurie but not really | it's just a matter of interpretation of 1 line of urie's thoughts | only tagged this for safety

fresh bruises and old wounds - rated M (14 dec 2019)

tags:  mutsuki tooru/urie kuki | mutsuki tooru & urie kuki | mutsuki tooru | urie kuki | yonebayashi saiko | hsiao ching-li | higemaru touma | arima yusa | aura shinsanpei | mutsurie | hurt/comfort | post-canon | canon compliant  canonical male trans character | mutsuki has two kittens idc | happy birthday mutsuki tooru | non-graphic violence | some other characters will be mentioned and ill update accordingly | mentions of nightmare | descriptions of an anxiety/panic attack | no one dies | i repeat | tags to be updated but i think you can expect smut in the future

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #given manga #given anime #given movie #haikyu!! #haikyuu!! #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #tokyo ghoul #levihan #akigetsu #tsukkiyama #kiribaku wallpaper #mutsurie #fanfic #aot fanfic #haikyu fanfic #my hero fanfic #bnha fanfic art #given fanfic #tokyo ghoul fanfic #sasukeyeol #by sasukeyeoltumblr