#WE BARELY GET TO SEE THEM AND YET

[foxstens]

the third other story is the first one to make me cry

#my posts #animanga #liveblogging #liveblogging dies irae #this has to be the most tragic thing i've ever seen #i didn't understand or care for half of it #but the other half.... #holy fuck beatrice and kai are literally the best fucking charcters???? #WE BARELY SEE THEM #WE BARELY GET TO SEE THEM AND YET #THEY'RE SO LAYERED AND COMPLEX AND WONDERFUL AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER #oh my fucking god #it's really fucking sad overall #but knowing what happens afterwards makes it even sadder #im just #and the thing is the previous other story makes it clear that these people #did not sign up for this #like i thought they all personally went up to reinhard and asked to be part of this #but that's really not the case #and its so fucking sad #BUT ALSO #despite everything trifa is the most hateful person in the entire game #you might say he's a good character but so is almost everyone #and i just happen to hate him #i just don't like having him on screen i just h a t e him #g e h #so fuck now time for marie's route D:

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

#bungou stray dogs #bsd 114 #is this meta? i don't know #more like just incoherent rambling lmao #i just don't want Nikolai to die man....... I really don't #i get that people are hyped up on the juicy tragedy of it all but plssssssss it's too soon for him to go #we need so much more of the enigmatic clown...... he's too interesting to lose just yet!!! #i'm sad at probably losing the outcomes i always hoped for him and fyolai but right now i just want More Of Him #he can't die so soon when he's barely even had pagetime #it COULD be fascinating to see Fyodor's reaction to taking over his body but....... i don't think he'd /have/ any right now #they need more time together before one of them dies #i always thought/hoped Fyodor would die first and Nikolai would be left alone to angst lmao but ugh........ #now it's really feeling like it'll be the opposite #which again doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing depending on how Asagiri executes it........ I just think this is way too soon for it to happen #i'm gonna be so mad if Nikolai just dies offscreen without us ever hearing from him again because Fyodor possessed his body #poetically cruel and tragic? yes. but also so anticlimactic at this moment in time #never getting to hear from him again......... #ugh i blame all the Fyolai fan creators; they've raised the bar too high 😭😭😭 #idk maybe i'm just talking out of my ass though. i probably am. i just feel conflicted about all this and need to see where it goes

[birdmenmanga]

@raventhekittycat

hi okay so I've been mulling this one over for the past day or two and I think I have the answer. not to be using hamburger to explain anything to an american but you're my detco mutual so I'm going to try and explain it in detco terms

There's a post going around recently about how if you've read detco and only detco, the first time hakuba shows up you're going to be totally flummoxed, because damn this guy is clearly important, he gets to be even cooler than Shinichi, he's got a half-page shot of him (in such a panel-dense series such as Detective Conan, no less!!) and he's got a fucking hawk. he's CLEARLY important. everything about the narrative is indicating that you need to PAY ATTENTION to hakuba and that he's the coolest guy and he's important!!!! and then he dies in the case lol (not for real. but still.)!! and you're like huh??? what was that. why did aoyama do that.

But with the context of magic kaito this totally makes sense. He's a beloved character that people have been waiting decades to see again. Of course Aoyama is going to hype him up!! It's his big moment after years of being locked in the backrooms!!!

Anyways reading birdmen for me was kind of like that. The author's previous series, Kekkaishi, was pretty one-dimensional at the beginning, and even after the main plot started picking up at around volume 6, it still felt quite understandable. I knew what she was trying to get at, and the spectacular job she did with the anthropocene and climate change metaphor towards the end of that series really made me interested in the rest of her works. That and the way she writes familial relationships is absolutely DEVASTATING. (I mean this with the highest of praise)

But when I read BIRDMEN for the first time, I was probably in... middle school, maybe? And I read it, sure, but I didn't get it. I could see what was literally happening on the page but the narrative choices were absolutely baffling at times. Why skip over the entire part of the plot where they figure out who the birdman that saved them was? She blatantly doesn't care about that. What does she care about then?? I knew I didn't get it, I knew there were parts of it that were important and I couldn't figure out why and THAT'S how it dug its pretty little claws into me. Even after I finished catching up it nagged at me a little bit, not often at all, but enough that every once in a while I go, huh, right, that was a thing, let me go read it again.

For the record this type of story haunting has happened to me twice. First time was the Heart of Thomas, second time was BIRDMEN. I think the thing is that these are both stories which are not what other people say they are and I think I came into both of these stories with a misconception, trying to look too hard for things that weren't important and therefore missing the things that were.

Because sure, BIRDMEN is about mental illness. Yeah, it's about an evil scientific organization growing mutants in a lab. Yeah, it's about what it means to leave your humanity behind. That's all technically correct, on a surface level, and the fandom at large likely agrees with these takes for the most part, but in my opinion none of that really delves into what the thematic messaging of the story is about.

There are cryptic conversations about authority and human extinction and peculiar outfit and ability choices. You can tell these choices weren't made to serve the purpose of "writing exciting shonen manga" because that was what she did for the most part in Kekkaishi and you can tell she wasn't putting her whole pussy into doing that here. So what was she doing? What's like. All of this. Waves my hands at this.

The short answer is that it's really about the interplay between capitalism (represented by humanity) and communism (represented by birdmen), and explores the role institutional white supremacy (EDEN) plays in enforcing capitalism. It is ALSO about queer liberation and the importance of community, but hey, that double-stacks conveniently with the communism metaphor.

But also take this opinion of mine with a grain of salt. As far as I know I'm the only one who really truly deeply believes that it is not only AN interpretation of the work, but one that was fully intended by the author.

So basically, I like it, because I think it says something true and beautiful that I also believe in, even if I didn't have the words for it the first time I read it. But I don't really think that's what people really look for in a media recommendation.

Do I like it? Yes, I love it. Will I recommend it to others? Yeah, sure. But do I think it's deeply flawed? Yeah, absolutely. It's flawed in the same ways as The Witch from Mercury— a rushed ending, too many threads that were opened and never tied together. The pacing and characterization is perfect in the beginning, and too rushed at the end. There are prerequisites you basically HAVE to read in order to understand the story (tempest for G-Witch and the communist manifesto for birdmen). I think a truly good story wouldn't have any of these things so if people don't like it I never blame them.

It's my personal experiences that make birdmen so profound to me. If you are not queer I just don't think Eishi coming out as a birdman to his mom will hit the same, just as an example. Sorry that I wasn't the kid you wanted me to be. I know you love me and you just want the best for me and that's why you're so controlling, because you think I can be saved by conforming to societal expectations. But I can't live like that. I can't be like that. And that's why I must go. etc.

Aesthetically I do love birdmen a lot. If I had to describe it in a few words it would probably be "chilling", "beautiful", and "powerful", which nicely coincides with the type of things I personally like to draw. It's also silly to a small degree but it's so serious and I know Tanabe can be way way way funnier (read kekkaishi for this. kekkaishi and hanazakari no kimitachi he were foundational to my sense of sequential art humor) so that's not really the standout trait of this series.

I can't let it go because I'm chewing this series like a bone. And it's taking me years but I am getting that sweet sweet marrow. By god. We are on year 3 of this shit and I am GOING to understand this series. and I'm going to make 3 video essays about it

#just thinking thoughts... #stray bird thoughts #so it's like... I don't like it because birdmen is good #I think I like it because I am a certain type of person and the author was trying to say something specifically to the type of person I am #OH #I'M THE TARGETED AUDIENCE THATS WHY I LIKE IT. #YEAH THATS REALLY IT!!! #A long time ago I said that birdmen wasn't written for the people who read it at the time it serialized. #it was written for the people they would become. #and I stand by that 100% #if it really stays with you there is going to be a reason even if you can't articulate it yet #and it may APPEAR sloppy to someone who doesn't see the queer or communist metaphor #like 'what is she doing what is she saying here she's not saying anything meaningful and emphasizing the wrong things' #but that sort of presumes she is gunning to make 'the best shonen manga ever' #which she clearly isn't. #I remember when I was reading fma with a bunch of my classmates and I'd lend them a volume or two every day #and a piece of feedback I received that has stuck with me was 'volume 15 was so boring' #(that was the volume recounting the ishval civil war. it was boring because we were middle schoolers and didn't REALLY get it.) #and like. I think to people who are looking for something like kks. the whole thing is going to feel like fma volume 15 #like WHAT is she going on about? ? ? #like witch hat and dunmesh I think are similar types of stories but I think these two are just executed way better than bm #but because of that it is just not as compelling to me you know. #like yeah yeah it's well constructed. we all see it's well constructed. #the metaphor is so well constructed that I don't feel the need to point it out. everyone is saying it already you know #but bm is cryptic enough and just slightly missed that execution enough that I feel like I'm pulling the analysis out of a smoking wreckage #recently I've been watching mentourpilot videos about airplane accidents and like. that's exactly it. #there's nothing to say about a perfectly executed flight. #it's the ones that failed. and in particular the ones that just barely failed by a little bit. that compels people the most. #cue my de communism is failure post. bc that bm sure did fail.

[nerves-nebula]

Anything on Neglected Karai at all? Is she Splinter’s daughter? Personality, skills, relationships, pronouns, or anything at all?

nah she's a 404 imagine not found screenshot and she doesn't exist she has no pronouns skills relationships or personality and she isn't anyone's daughter she came from the void and to the void she will return. amen.

#nnstuff #ask #sorry but like. im in college. i already cant make the art i want to cuz im busy all the time #yea i know a lot of characters outside the main cast are underdeveloped #i know we barely see april #i know the foot clan basically doesnt exist yet #if this were my full time job and i got like. paid to do it or something maybe i could come up with something but as it is ! #im sitting at my work desk trying not to imagine killing myself because this next assignment is going to make me miserable for #at least another full month #and i didnt get to choose my partner because everyone else had already paired up because they all just. fucking known each other somehow #even though ive been with them all since freshman year #somehow im just not friends with any of them #and all i really want to do is attempt suicide to get out of it!! #but i CANT because god knows i wouldnt succeed!! and then i'd have to face making everyone i know fucking miserable #SO!!!! #TL:DR IM WORKING ON IT

[soldier-poet-king]

I literally just do not understand how full grown ass adults go thru life like this. 0 self reflection. 0 concern about the impact of their behaviours on others. Continuing said behaviours even when they're pointed out as hurtful. Like????

#the duality of fran #idk its like the every few months i realize i sort of forgive my parents #bc things could be much worse #and they didnt MEAN to be hurtful. theyre just immature and selfish #they're not deliberately being like that #like their behaviour comes from a place of hurt and insecurity #and Yet its been pointed out SOOOO many times how bad it has affected me #and theyre always so guilt trippy woe is me when it's brought up #and maybe theyre trying. but honestly folks???? I DONT SEE ANY PROGRESS #like I cant cut them off i need somewhere to live + need somewhere to fall back on #once i move out. in case yknow. financial disaster (sh we are not thinking about my fears of financial instability that they left me with) #but like. ffs. ffs yall. I AM SO ANGRY #AND HURT #and im tired of being angry and hurt about stuff that isnt ever going to CHANGE #its a wound you know is there but it vant ever heal it just. prods and prods and prods #like the tldr of u can have a severely traumatizing shitty upbringing without ur parents being actually abusive #and it just adds this extra layer of guilt and complicated feelings on top of it all #like #please. just get a fuckin divorce. oh my god. also maybe dont have four kids while barely above the poverty line. #and then harp on your kids for every single perceived flaw or financial burden they incur. just. yknow. a thought

[orcelito]

My druid has "fuckboy" written all over her

#speculation nation #shes a druid but she does Not look it. nor does she act like it really. #druid stuff exists to beef myself up as a front liner (spores druid ftw) #and to act as an excuse like 'whaaaat why r u so suspicious of me im a druid 🥺🥺🥺 i just want what's best for nature 🥺🥺🥺' #meanwhile here i am hogging ALL the worms we manage to find (or. well. most of them.) #bc im going full ham into my powers lol theyre so useful #this is a game of pressing Every button and seeing what happens. yet still going along the lines of good? approximately? #it very much does feel like the kind of thing a druid drow would do. willing to consort with the darkness #but still ultimately striving for peace and order. #i am just perhaps a little bug-brained to accomplish this :3 #ive been playing a Lot of bg3. progressing well through act 2. everything is so very scary and i am just 1 druid 🥺 #(i say as if i havent killed literally every single enemy ive come across. im so fucking good at this game.) #the house of healing was by far my least favorite part (so far). that boss battle was TERRIBLE but i managed to get through it. #according to my friends they just talked their way out of it. not me tho. i saw that guy strapped to the table and i was just like #'GET FUCKED BRO' *casts moonbeam* *proceeds to get the shit stabbed outta me* #holy shit he did so much damage. and he was focused ONLY ON ME....... #took me and shadowheart both healing to keep up with the damage he was doing (while astarion and karlach did most of the attacking) #but i did it! hes gone! but holy shit poking around his stuff has been so. eugh. #im in the towers now. so scary. just barely started them tho. gonna look for the prisoners and then proceed from there. #that ketheric dude is fucking terrifying. so big scared about him. but All Men Die The Same 😈 #.....well maybe not exactly the same given his 'immortality' thing 😂 but i'll figure it out. #anyways yea check out taltana im going for a mixed feminine and masculine kinda vibes with her. and enjoying it very much. #bg3 spoilers/

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just #feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives #function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty #god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student #so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self #destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure #rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done #but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry #and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen #ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i #didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there #i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a #wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo. #idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues? #i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell #unrelated

[wildflowercryptid]

ngl i'm still kinda sad over how disappointed i was by the last arc of shikimori's not just a cutie, it just felt like retreads of previous chapters and a lot of wasted opportunities to flesh out the secondary & side characters more...

#yet another subject that gets my urge to make video essays going bc god i have a lot to say about this actually #there were so many fun potential dynamics we could've gotten to see but didn't bc the manga focuses so heavily on shikimori & izumi #which yeah they're the main characters & ( only ) couple but the way the side characters are barely focused on in the last half >>> #was at the detriment of the series i think #like inuzuka & kamiya should've gotta a chapter together to explore their dynamic #also saruogi & hachimitsu apparently they ride the same train and the author just. didn't play with that??? #it would've been fun to see how those two would try to navigate interacting w/ each other #( i also think they’d make a cute side couple which i think the manga would've benefited from ) #( them or kamiya & nekozami those two feel kinda gay to me ) #i'm genuinely curious if the author was dealing with burn out w/ the series near the end it did run for over a 100 chapters after all #i'm going to stop myself from continuing to ramble in the tags but UGH it's just such a bummer to me!! #i really liked the manga at first i'm so sad that i ended up feeling so frustrated by it #mj.txt

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#argentina saw trump and went ''yeah we want one of those!''... #this absolutely insane man might become president and fully ruin the country (more than it already is) #which is never fun but even worse when you're queer... #today i'm glad i'm living with dysphoria every day but haven't started T #because as sad and absolutely awful as what i'm about to say is... #i can pretend to be a cis woman for safety... #which is a HORRIBLE thing to say or do #but i don't have to put myself out there trying to get hrt or anything like that #or legally change my name and gender mark while looking like i look... that might get me killed or something #bare in mind everything i'm saying A. hasn't happened yet #and B. is being said by someone with an anxiety disorder who can't see hope right now... so take it with a grain of salt #i'm just scared and i don't like the state of the world right now... #and we were somewhat safe in some aspects here and we're so close to losing them now #i'm scared and hate it here but i'm also broke and can't leave so... #we are where we are where we are i guess #angel talks #personal #sorry for the politics... i'm not going to start posting politics #the point of my blog is to escape the hell that is the real world... but i needed to vent and also you know me i love screaming at the void

[mercymaker]

chilling vibing getting stuff done and then suddenly getting hit by 'why do you try so hard to make something new and good and bend yourself backwards pushing for quality when that stuff is mostly discouraged and low effort quantity-over-quality stuff is constantly rewarded'

#life #was on a high after writing quite a bit today #but now feel like a deflating balloon lmao #like yeah nah yeah i've worked with social media enough to know that you have to play 'their' game in order to 'succeed' #but that whole premise is so soulless and yet #it's the shit paradox that most often the less time and effort you put into something the more likely it will do good online #but with constantly diminishing returns it can get pretty tough #like the pattern is there it's all in motion #and it's just gonna get worse and worse and worse #people barely reblog anymore barely comment #i started posting my writing because i thought 'well at least one person might like it!' #like... i cannot NOT write it's just who i am #but even with the folders full of personal writing and whatnot at some point i stopped #because writing is just incredibly lonely and it was starting to make me feel worse about it so i stopped #but yeah nah fam #i'm just fully in the period shits and getting emotional #but the ongoing decline of engagement and communication is just sad to see #like even artists around me who are incredibly talented i see them barely get any notes and if they do it's pretty much all likes #shit's depressing fam #and then on top of that we have people stealing shit from us #like that fucking guy who copied every bg3 creator's ideas and then started playing victim when called out #what was up with that lmao

[master-k0hga]

Sooga: Everybody always asks "WHERE is Sooga", "WHO is Sooga"

Sooga: But they never ask how is Sooga. . . .

Kohga:

Kohga:

Kohga: Worst date of my life

#Sooga #Kohga #... #See #This #This works cuz #My Kohga HC be that he's still a 20 something yr old lil bitch with a short attention span #Too busy texting his ex on his phone while dating a timid old ass man #Sooga is like one of them boomers who could get with the memes and stuff yet still not understand anything #And is a sad man cuz he's had like 3 other divorces that weren't actually toxic marriages #But /sigh #'' My miss my ex wives Kohga. I miss them a lot '' #I just wanted the ''nobody asks how the dog doin' meme outta my head so uh... #Yeah there we go #Will anybody ask how the Sooga doin' now? #Plz #He's going through a lot he needs pep talk dating this weirdo millennial who he's actually in love with #No. No shut up I always pictured Sooga as literally like the old man in their dynamic and I'm still mad Koei like.... #Completely cancelled out my headcanons with the DLC after those years... Salty asf and clearly last minute #Like genuinely I felt barely any emotion when Kohga had no choice but to run off crying when Sooga risked his life #At least like... ACKNOWLEDGE he potentially lost an eye during one of the many times he protected Kohga #......... Hence why my original thought was that they accidentally met in the desert during a Yiga treasure hunt or something #And like a molduga went to go eat Kohga before a travelling pre right hand Sooga comes around and kills it. However losing an eye in the #Process after mis judging a swing at the beast.. Kohga had feelings obviously IMMEDIATELY after but was acting VERY tsundere and sus about #It... Ofc agreeing to let him into the clan and ''polishing his skills'' and stuff... and then bam #...... Anyways.....

[xysidhequeen]

The insomnia is back, which means so is the weird pins and needles/numbness in my fingers, and the shaking hands. And the nausea.

No migraine yet. So thats something.

If a mutual could break into my house and knock me out with a frying pan that would be wonderful 🩷

#its been #uh #2? #years since i saw a doctor #my reg doctor wanted me to see a therapist and that was expensive so i didnt and my anxiety and shame kept me from going back #SHE WAS GOING TO ASK WHY I DIDNT GO SEE ONE AND ID HAVE TO BE LIKE 'cause i dont like new people :(' #but the real problem here #is #the lack of sleeping #im not even tired OR sleepy #which is 2 different things #tired is 'my body wants to collapse but will not sleep' #sleepy is 'i can go to sleep!' #i am neither #the hallucinations havent started yet though so thats also a plus but we got at least 12 more hours before they usually show up #i am in pain tho and id like to not be my body apparently has a different opinion #anyways if you wonder why im not updating its because december and jan has just been back to back health crisis #and i barely get a day to recover between them #also videos. reading. audio does not work to put me to sleep or absolutely anything you can buy OTC in the USA #its basically wait and hope my body gives up eventually before i need to go to the ER for them to medically put me to sleep #which itll usually do. longest its held out is like 50 hours. which was miserable. -547/10 do not recommend #tw nausea #tw doctors #tw medical #tw insomnia #hope i got all the trigger warninga

[starsmuserainbow]

[[ Starter for @darksonofsparda !]]

It might not be something everyone would agree to, but to Pyrrha, the days at Beacon Academy were some of the best. She could still work on the goal she wanted to go for, and she had found friends that didn't befriend her just because of her being known. She had heard before that the hunters and huntresses one formed a team with often became so important that they would be friendships - like family-bonds, even - that could last a lifetime, and here with the friends she had around herself now, she could actually see that happen. The future looked great and wonderfully promising, despite all of the threats that the Grimm brought.

Of course, those were also a thing she wouldn't ignore, which is why today, she had declined her friends' invite to go out after class. The idea had been in her mind for a while already, but she hadn't been confident enough in it before to ask. The test-battles she did against other students - one on one, or even as team against team - were interesting, no doubt, but it didn't feel like Pyrrha was able to learn that much through them. She didn't like the feeling of not being able to expand her skills like this, and the obvious address for help in finding a solution was the teachers. Her choice was the instructor of Special Arts Class - he didn't even seem to be that much older than the students, and perhaps that alone made it easier to imagine explaining her thoughts.

So now, Pyrrha stayed a bit longer in the classroom than her classmates. It felt like an odd thing to go to the teacher afterwards, so she preferred to wait until no one else was around anymore, and then walked towards him instead of leaving the room. "Prof-" No, wait, he said before that he didn't want to be called that. "Sorry. Um... Vergil?" It felt strange, to refer to him so casually, but since it was what he preferred...

"I was wondering, if it's possible to ask for additional lessons, or training?" It was no doubt an unexpected request coming from her, but she meant it.

#darksonofsparda #✫ General Tag (Pyrrha(Canon)) ✫ #✫ IC (Pyrrha(Canon)) ✫ #as usual; if there's sth that doesn't work here; feel free to lemme know! #I will probably eventually switch to icons from her in her armor bc I have barely any variety in icons in her school attire #sadly we didn't get to see that much of it in the anime #but I really really wanted to use the school outfit here bc it just makes a lot of sense so at least as a start xD #but also whoo! it's so nice to be able to use my pyrrha icons; I get to use them so rarely #no big talking here yet or anything; basically only the starting point we agreed on; sorry #but I don't think she would immediately go on explaining before getting an answer

[wild-at-mind]

Being in a long distance relationship long term is so fucked up. For context for people in bigger countries I'm not talking flying distance from each other, I'm talking about 3 hrs apart on the train, so not that far arguably. But still far enough that our lives are almost completely separate in the practical sense, no matter how much we talk on the phone or meet halfway. When one of us stays over at the other's place we are still guests in each other's homes. I still don't know what cohabiting would be like and what a comfortable normalicy of being in each other's lives in person every day would be like. We're coming up to our 11th anniversary. I don't want to break up with him!!!! I love him deeply and I've never met someone I'm as compatible with as him. I've never been in love like this and I'm not easy to know, and yet he does know me and likes what he sees. I just feel I am stuck and I am frustrated that my sex life is like once every 3 months. I still don't even know how often we would have sex if we lived together, we haven't had the chance to find that rhythm. When we see each other there's no time to do any more involved stuff it's just getting off. Basically everytthing we've talked about has to stay in the realm of fantasy because there's never any fucking time.

I am trying I said to him- you need to do covering letters and things, you can't just send your CV that has never worked. He's the one who wants out of his current job, and out of his town, but applying for jobs is so fucking hard when you're working full time and trying to do things you love to not get fucking depressed. See I understand those things because I would feel the same way. If he moved here we could find a place together and I could find it out if I actually can live with someone else and stay mentally well. I'm getting too dependent on living alone in order to stay mentally well and it worries me.

Sorry to vent. I'm not looking for advice it's just venting.

#yeah it's embarrassing for a 34 yr old to go on about soul mates but i realy believe we are #i wouldn't be in this situation if we weren't really for real great together because i'm old enough to do right by myself #i can wait and in understand it's hard for someone neurodivergent to make big changes #it would be hard for someone neurotypical! so it must be even worse for him and it's so easy for him to get overwhelmed and crash emotional #as you can see from my rambles i have my baggage too like massive baggage #i worry though because he came to stay like 3 weeks ago for a few days and i was wound up and uncomfortable having a guest #even though it was him- i was hormonal so that could have been it but it's fucking scary #because you just think 'i wish i was alone in my own home right now doing my comfortable routine' #i'm stressing about washing extra dishes but my ocd requires that i'm always the one to wash them #i just want ot not be bothered and yet i feel like shit because i have no idea if it's always going to be like this or just a bad few days! #even though we have fun when we go out and stuff #the living together thing is really stressing me and i only have the last time it happened 3 months ago which i can barely remember #as reference for how i normally feel when he's here #ooooooof :( #fyi he doesn't want to do polyamory as is his right- it's not for everyone #and he has much more to lose in the dating/casual sex area than i would if i did it but i won't go into why

[coloursofaparadox]

hnnnnnnnnnnnmmnn its overshare on the internet o clock

#my shitty ex has sent me a text asking to meet up and talk #and in a predictable move the text itself doesnt actually apologize or acknowledge that she did anything fucked up #it instead says 'we both did some pretty messed up stuff' which. uh. yeah. cool. thanks. #thats like prefacing an apology with 'first of all i still blame you but i guess i couuuldve had something to do with it' #and like. sheesh. my first instinct is to politely say absolutely not jesus christ how do you have the gall to ask me that #i could go my entire life without interacting with you ever again and i would be nothing but better off for it #but. i have not sent that yet. and it has been a while. because i really miss the friend group she....not stole exactly but #because i do not want to be in the same space as her i just. dont get to be around them much any more. #and fuck. i miss my dog so so much. i love lucas too but sarah was the first dog i raised from a baby #and she was just one of those animals that are just. like you love them all but some are different in a way where they're a part of you. #and sarah was mine and she took her from me and ive just barely gotten over it #i dont know if being able to see her again would make it worse or better. #but instinct is telling me to tell her that no theres no chance of us being friends. i need to protect myself and value my own wellbeing. #and that its not that i hate her because i dont but i do intensely dislike the ugly person i realized shes become #and i refuse to continue to let myself be hurt by that without speaking up. #but i still!!! havent!!! said no!!!!! #if i could manage it. and get through a talk with her. and be very clear that im here to attempty just...neutrality and a lack of hostility #and that friendship is not on the table. prep myself on my boundaries and rules for what i will not put up with #and accept that if she does something shitty in response to me keeping myself safe then i have to be prepared to call it off immediately #then. i would see my friends again a lot more often than just one on one every couple months because every group thing involves her #fuck. i dont know. i really really dont want to talk to her ever again but god fucking dammit. #im prepared to move on and rebuild my life and invest in other relationships. i am. ive done it before and slowly built from the ground up. #i can do it again. but it fucking sucks when its most of my irl friends all at once. #idk. idk. i miss my dog so much it hurts but it would be much worse to see her now after how my ex treats her when im not there to stop it #its just something i cant let myself think about or ill just spiral and i cant do that. theres nothing i can do about it. i cant stop it. #fuck.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

thinking about these friends partners

#cut stuff out bc i cant do their whole intros and outros it'd be too long but #THINKING ABOUT THEM #about these takes on survival #and about the doctor #who i think.........................shares in some capacity both of these takes on survival #pryce&cutter are so fun bc like #i think their drives are profoundly humanist #which is a really fun way for your antagonists who have absolutely no qualms burning through human lives to get what theyre after #and in some ways thats their own human lives as well as other peoples #i like that we know exactly what drives them both #it was them and then it was twissy for me like #it's the partnership the equality #the not having the exact same tastes or opinions on how to go about things but nevertheless this shared vision #he can give her some of what she needs in return she can offer some of what he needs and together they can get what they dont have yet #i love that scene at the end of terms and conditions where we get to see like their entire dynamic laid bare #'enemies i can deal with. physics i can deal with. what i CANT deal with is /the smartest woman in the world improvising/ when her life is #on the line. THEN i start to get worried' #the way they have this like contract abt how their partnership works. and she disagreed with his strategy #which is fine. but NOT in front of an audience. not when it's HER life at stake. then you DONT undermine me #the way in the script after he says 'be quiet' it says 'it's like an insult a slap to the face' #bc theyre PARTNERS. he does Not have the right to say that to her #but she broke the contract first today #anyway. i can see a thoschei where the doctor never left for earth that turned out like this #not in their aspirations. but in the way the relationship works #the way missy says 'Friends'