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clumsyclifford · 2 years

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5 for hello hello, 6 for spiderman au, 16, 20 for you seem so damn familiar, 26, 32, 41, 28, aaaand 19 for situation overload (yes i realize these are not in numerical order we're really aiming for chaos today) -megs 💙

numerical order is for bitches <3

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about hello, hello? Answer it now! god i don't know, i feel like this fic has been beaten to death and every possible question must have been asked by now. except for what is calum's job. but i do not want anyone to ask me that. honestly i can't think of anything!!! feel free to come up with a question about hello hello and ask it to me. maybe we'll find one that hasn't been asked before.

6. What’s one fact about the universe of spiderman AU that you didn’t get a chance to mention in the fic itself? when luke and michael were younger, michael had a crush on luke!! luke was his first crush on a boy and was how he knew that he liked boys. it never went anywhere and he didn't tell anyone and eventually the crush went away. later michael told luke about this and they had a laugh about it.

16. What’s an AU you would love to read (or have read and loved)? can't say baseball AU again huh. fine. i can come up with other answers to this. im still waiting for someone (meghna) to write up and coming country artist alex and local nashville music producer rian AU. it's just swimming with potential. and i'd love to read jewish fic that wasn't written by me !! a pipe dream i know but it would be nice. as for one i have read and loved, this 1d Top Model AU is my fucking lifeblood. i'd actually love any reality/competition tv show AU (usual disclaimer i know molly wrote a bake off one and i know i havent read it and i know im terrible the worst person ever for that reason and im sorry baruch hashem) because i love reality/competition TV, but (1) it's hard to translate that medium to fic, and (2) i, at least, don't know jack shit about the inner workings of reality television so couldnt write this from the perspective of someone within without getting a lot of things very wrong which is a little too much inaccuracy for my taste.

20. If you wrote a prequel to you seem so damn familiar, what would it involve? im not sure that a yssdf prequel would be very interesting, since the idea (apart from the whole jalex thing) is that it's a "canon compliant" fic right up until alex loses his memory. i have maybe one idea for what a prequel might look like but unfortunately i can't tell you what it is because you haven't read the relevant part of the fic yet. sorry :/

26. Would you rather write a fic that had no dialogue or one that was only dialogue? ONLY DIALOGUE ONLY DIALOGUE ONLY DIALOGUE im a dialogue slut we know this i LOVE dialogue i would happily write a fic that was only dialogue. that's essentially just a group chat fic really

32. What’s your ideal fic length to read? mmm like 3-5k? i really like things that i can sit down and read relatively quickly in one go. the reason for that is it makes it easier to leave comments because i don't have to worry as much about forgetting what i liked from the beginning by the time i get to the end. also they're easier to reread. i like fics of many lengths but that's probably my ideal.

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.” well i linked cardiac attack here. let's take a trip down memory lane and link a maggie fic!!!!! i have sung the praises of fangirl AU a thousand times but actually i'm going to link got lost in the glare (I couldn't see you there) aka the magical bakery AU by my darling @calumsclifford. it's just so clever and so creative and so unique!!!! inspirational truly. and the way michael and ashton's ~magic~ complements the other's??????? brilliant. showstopping. spectacular. etc.

28. Does anyone read your fics before you post them? If so, who? it depends on the fic!!! sometimes nobody reads them. i sort of half-try to minimize how many people read the fic before it's posted because i want people to read it when it's posted. that being said, a lot of the time i do send the doc to someone because either i want validation or i want someone to tell me it doesn't suck. the majority of the time it will be to @tirednotflirting and/or @reveriesofawriter (sam & meghna), which is at least partly because they're my main audience now that i write mostly jalex/atl fic. i try not to pester helen about fic but every once in a blue moon ill ask her if she's available to read something because she is extremely liberal in leaving comments on docs and that validation hits different. u dont know love until a doc littered with highlighted lines. and then sometimes im looking for a slightly more critical eye in which case ill probably ask adri bc i trust them to point out mistakes/inconsistencies/problems.

19. If you wrote a spin-off of situation overload (do it for baltimore), what would it involve? mmm interesting question. maybe jack and alex going to a baseball game but they invite zack and rian? i would have to find a way to justify that happening but it would be cute to have all four of them at an orioles game.

questions for fic writers

#sorry this took me a million years but in my defense michael started streaming while i was in the middle of answering it #ask #anonymous #megs #igarbagecannoteven #roommate #fic talk #seriously can anyone think of a legitimate hello hello related question #i cannot

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selfcareparker · 3 years

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okay fghsgdj yes you can say girl ! my pronouns are she/her :) okay but fr pause, i read this like 3 minutes after you posted it (or at least my notif said 3mins lmao) bUT IM IN BED AND I USUALLY HAVE MY COMPUTER OPEN WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I MAKE SURE I ADDRESS EVERYTHING AND THEN SEND IN THE ASK ON MY PHONE HDGSJSH anyway, time to get my ass up 😔 but wait i find you so funny like honestly, reading that cracked me all the way up. and i feel the “lol” thing so hard!!!! idk why i do it all the time (i’m tryna stop) but i’ll say something with lol at the beginning and lol at the end... it might be a defense mechanism at this point lol (😔) AND (i need to stop with the uppercase too it’s not funny anymore) I DONT KNOW WHY I LAUGHED SO HARD JDHSK WHEN YOU SAID ALSO AGAIN HAHAHAH LIKE UR HAHHAH also my sleep schedule is not pretty either lmao but i’m homeschooled so i never have to get up for anything? hhdhsis idk but i’m glad you slept!! you need sleep!!

also (pls no i cannot) why did i not know what ykwim meant until i reread this?? like it makes so much sense- anyway! i think it’s so cool that you’re excited for university! idk why but i do lol like you’re getting ready for the future (masters degree and all that) & you’re (maybe) going to england anyway so that’s cool haha (hopefully when you go you can see your relatives 🤞🏾)

the fact that you get happy seeing my asks i- 💓💓

you make me wanna go to London & England so bad urghhhh like i’ve only been out of the country once (to Canada for a family reunion) but it sounds so prettyyyyy & i’m so sorry that cov*d is messing everything up and i hope you can see your relatives soon :(

now to address the whole english speaking/writing: I FIND THAT SO WEIRD DUHSKSJ i don’t know how an english speaking person could say that if you don’t write it 100% grammatically correct.... that it’s wrong? when literally, over here at least, WE’RE SO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT HAHHAAH in both the way we talk and write!! and lol you’re welcome,, AND THE PARAGRAPH DID MAKE SENSE HDHSJSH & your rant is fine because... that is actually a bit ??? bc no one writes with 100% grammar lol

OH MY GOSH (see this uppercase thing is addictive) YOU STUDIED LATIN FOR 6 YEARS??? that’s really cool 🥺 the way that you know/speak 3+ languages i- NOT EVEN 3+ LIKE 6+ (german, english, latin, french, serbian, italian, and everything that comes with latin lmao) even if it’s just a tiny bit like wowee. it is really fascinating!!! i had the opportunity to take latin and i... didnt. i took art instead BUT ONLY CUZ MY FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CLASS AND ART LOOKED FUN IM SORRY

PLEASE WHY DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?? that sounds so fricking cool tell your mom (mum or mama it’s really fine lol) that she sounds awesome. i think Jamaica would be fun either way!! i mean it looks pretty from pictures? i was a baby so i honestly have no recollection hahaha

LMAOO NOT U SAYING THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS- PLEASE GIRL IM TELLING YOU I VERBALLY LAUGHED HAHAHAHAHAH but yea you really don’t need to apologize i like reading everything you say 🥺 HDKSHS AND UR FINE WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME BEFORE uhhh hmm uhh lemme think i, well, i saw chaos walking yesterday (big tom holland fan over here) and it was alright.. my mom acted a fool at all the jump scares LMAO but it was funny... since i’m talking about movies (this is hella random i know) but i like shark movies HDKJSSJ my favorite is the meg (it’s so good ohmigosh) and the 47 meters down movies aren’t bad either... i have two younger brothers... iiiii AM IN LOVE WITH MUSIC PHEW anddd i’m homeschooled (i think i mentioned that lol) i think that’s a good amount ahahaha AND IM HUNGRY RN JDHSJ

now. please. let me address the edit. i just want you to know that.. when i talk about your fics and i finish them and everything i’m not looking for more? like obviously if you’re writing i’m gonna read it but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything (idk if you do) to put more fics out lol like they’re great and i’m just sending the praise bc i love the ones that are there :’) but i’m so happy you’re working through your writers block!!! yay so so happy for you!!! and PUHLEASE anything you write is fantastic, i feel the exact same way when i write but girl. you’re fine. it’s gonna be great. (idk if this made any sense but... okay)

(and my cousin calls her mom mama so it’s really okay hahah i even call my mom mama sometimes) (and where you got the number “16 sentences” beats me but i still cracked up) (is this me pretending i had tags? maybe) HAHAHAHA OK BYE ❤️❤️ why did this take me so long to send i have no clue, AND WHY AM I OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I SAID SHAJSHSJ ANYWAY BYE btw i love us too... like iconic // lovely anon 💓

me reading this:

also the dedication you put into sending me stuff— like with the laptop and phone and ahsksk 🥺🥺🥺

i’ll update you when i’ve started uni btw, i’m getting more and more excited every single day haha but i still have 3 weeks until it starts and even then I’ll obviously have to get used to it and everything, but you’re making me even more excited about it sksjshsg

yeah i wanna go to england too dkshsh let’s be sad together over the fact the we can’t travel eksjsh😔😭 but hopefully the wait will make it even better in the end <33 also i talk to loads of relatives over the phone at least once a week so it’s not too bad for me! but i miss their house 😭lmao

and i knowww snshsh so many native english speakers just make so many mistakes— and obviously i get that some things are slang but some things are simply wrong ajsh, the thing is no one has ever told me that my english is bad (i know it’s not bad anyway, but i’m still insecure) or no one has ever pointed out any mistakes, but yeah it’s mostly just insecurity dkshsg but yes thanks for saying what you said (previously as well as in this ask)😌🥰

Okay now for latin— girlll i don’t blame u for choosing art over latin esp. when all of your friends are doing art as well!! I’d choose art over latin as well lol skshsg but in year 6 we had to choose between latin and french, and at the time i didn’t like french? which was dumb of me and now i wanna learn french ekdhs but i don’t regret choosing latin at all bc if i properly learn french one day then i’ll already know understand loads of stuff (or at least some stuff lol) just thanks to latin 😌😌 but still, art>>>latin skskshshgs

I wanna watch chaos walking too!!! But i don’t get when/where/how it’s out lmao, cinemas are still closed here so i’ll either have to wait or find it somewhere online... il*egally 🥰 i don’t have high expectations at all btw but i like daisy and tom and the dog🥺 so i think i’ll enjoy it

GIRL SHARK FILMS SHARK FOLMS SKSJSHSHS okay so there are a few classics i haven’t watched yet, and also a few new ones that i haven’t seen yet BUT I LOVE SHARK FILMS SO MUCH SKSHSGSGSKK the first like proper shark film i ever watched was the shallows (which i like but my brain is still too small to comprehend what happened at the end (i mean i get it but i just can’t imagine it— idek if you’ve seen the film but skshhs)) and after watching it three times it does get a bit boring (but now whenever i see pictures or videos of big waves i’m just waiting for a shark to show up like come ON SKSJSG

^^^that pic/scene really traumatised me sksjsh but i still like the film

I only watched jaws like a few months ago, and i get that it’s a classic and also that it’s old and they just didn’t have the best.. equipment or special effects or whatever but i mean... look at meg and then look at jaws.... no disrespect to jaws at ALL but the meg is so much cooler. (That one scene on the boat where the shark just JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND SKSJSHHSUSJHA i get such a shock every time it’s so good (and the dog aww aksjshssli 🥺🥺🥰 and the boy with the ice cream lmao he’s iconic)

47 metres down, wow, i liked that film too. (i’ve only watched the original/first one i think) i mean that is such a fucking nightmare scenario like ALSJDHSNEMSKDJSHSJSKWBALSODUEWBSLDKHDJSNSKSKSHSGEBWKAISGSHEKEKSKLDJDJDHDHSHAGGA (that’s the best way i can express my feelings about that scenario lmao)

oh and i’ve recently been watching more horror films but i don’t know if they’re for me... I like the thrill and whatever but i just end up being scared for my life when i have to go to the bathroom at night or when i’m trying to sleep bc suddenly my mind is flooded with all the scary shit from the films 💀💀💀

and music i mean... you know those people who just don’t listen to music? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? i honestly like all genres especially in the last year, i am IN LOVE with Nicki Minaj + Megan andddd Stormzy and i like Harry Styles but i prefer his first solo album (and obviously one direction has bangers i have a throwback 1D session at least once a month), I also love MGK especially his new stuff and otherwise i mostly listen to german artists lmao. So who do you like?💖 (WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOURE GONNA SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKAHAGUS IF YOU LISTEN TO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MUSIC DONT JUDGE ME AJSHDJS) (i know you’re not gonna judge me but)

++ @ the thing you said about writing, don’t worry, i don’t feel pressured at all!!! (not by you and not by anybody else.. except myself sometimes lol) and i’m just very happy that you liked my fics 🥰🥰🥰 and if i start telling people that i’m writing a fic then sometimes it puts a bit of (healthy) pressure on me. like yes sometimes it really is writer’s block, but sometimes i really am just lazy ddkshhd so now that i’ve told you i’m writing a fic i might get my ass up quicker than i would if i hadn’t told anyone 😌😌😌

#ok i wrote some if this on the tube/on the bus/at the dentist/in bed so if this seems like it’s all over the place #that’s bc i was literally all over the place skshg #*of #also i love how you used tags skajahsg #lovely anon #<3 #sorry if some of the sentences didn‘t make sense or were too fucking long i wrote half of this half asleep #and i know i dont have to apologise but still like no one should have to read all my page long sentences that arent even proper sentencesskk

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baragakiscans · 4 years

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Firstly, sorry for losing the post to your ask! Tumblr shitty UI stuff happened and I accidentally deleted the draft TvT (they should make an option for asks to reappear if the draft answer got deleted or sth smh)

Secondly, IM SO SORRY FOR THE EXTREMELY LONG POST AAAAA

I tried to keep the explanations short like I did for Saraba (even that was pretty long) but then the more I tried the longer it became, and in the end what was supposed to be my take on like 2 pages of this book became this extremely long in-depth analysis of the entire book _(´ཀ`」 ∠)_ But I mean, I’ve agonised over the translations for this book for almost half a year and I have Lots of Feelings about it because GOD I LOVE THIS BOOK

Anyway, Makkura is another one of those books with a lot of hidden layers that can be unpacked from the story with multiple rereads. Unlike Saraba where some things were intentionally left open to interpretation (I think), though, this book is slightly more straightforward, and I’d like to offer my take on the story.

Long post and Makkura spoilers below the cut!

At the beginning of the story, Gintoki and Hijikata were already dating (secretly-but-not-so-secretly). They’ve clearly been dating for a while now; Hijikata coming over to Gintoki’s place to stay the night (though he’d usually be gone by morning), mayonnaise in the Yorozuya fridge, etc… Though their displays of affection were rather subdued, to the onlooker (and everyone else around them) these two idiots were so obviously crazy in love with each other 💕💕 However, there is something that seems a little… off about their relationship, and this something would have continued lurking in the shadows…

The beginning of the end…?

…Had Gintoki not lost all of his memories of his relationship with Hijikata. Gone was the man who would become agitated at the mere thought of his beloved going into danger; the man before Hijikata now barely knew him, and the thought of dating the Demon Vice Commander would never have crossed his mind.

Imagine waking up to find out that your boyfriend has forgotten all about his relationship with you and makes THIS face at the mere thought of shacking up with you

What Hijikata did next may seem illogical at first (and don’t get me wrong, it really is), but it makes a bit more sense once you realise what exactly was off about their relationship.

You see, Hijikata didn’t think that he was good enough for Gintoki.

If you’re familiar with Syaku’s works, you may have noticed a particular trope being rather common: Hijikata and/or Gintoki falling in love with the other, yet not taking the step forward because they were afraid of getting in the way of the other’s creed—to protect.

Looks familiar? ;)

In Makkura, they did manage to take that step forward (regardless of who made that step first), but even so, there’s always been a niggling doubt somewhere in the back of Hijikata’s mind that maybe—just maybe—Gintoki would be better off without him. Hijikata would do everything in his power to protect the Shinsengumi, and he knows that Gintoki would do the same to protect those he holds dear. It just didn’t occur to him that he was one of them, too. Instead, he was afraid of Gintoki straying from his path because of him.

Gintoki losing his memories was like a wake-up call to Hijikata, that his relationship with Gintoki was too good to be true—and if it will all come to an end eventually anyway, then he should be the one to pull the plug first, especially since the perfect opportunity to reset everything to a clean state has presented itself. He pretended that nothing happened between the two of them. He told Gintoki to “Forget about all this. Everything.” He tried to convince himself that he should make a clean break and completely remove himself from Gintoki’s life, and be content with merely watching from afar.

Maybe Hijikata thought that since he and Gintoki never confirmed their relationship, the people around them will just shrug it off, or won’t notice the change in behaviour. But needless to say, everyone around them immediately noticed that something was wrong. And they even had Hijikata’s inner thoughts all figured out.

The Shinsengumi members know their vice commander too well XD

Even Gintoki himself had managed to put two and two together, but he just couldn’t figure out why he fell in love with the man with whom he always fights like cats and dogs. And since Hijikata himself was so adamant on nothing happening, all he could do was watch as the man-who-is-apparently-his-lover-but-he-somehow-forgot told him to stay out of his way. That’s why, it’s up to everyone else to restore Gintoki’s memories and get these two idiots back together.

While the Yorozuya kids were scrambling to find the antidote, Hijikata opted to go down the slippery slope of self-abandonment by meeting the pervert Bakufu official despite knowing full well what might happen to him. He thought it was all for the sake of the Shinsengumi, but seeing Gintoki down the hallway jolted him back to his senses and made him realise just how wrong he was. He realised the reason why he was actually doing this—to see if Gintoki would come to his aid, to see if Gintoki was still the man he knows and love. He realised that he doesn’t want to give his body to anyone anymore—anyone else, that is. He realised just how truly madly deeply in love he was with Gintoki.

What indeed…

By the time he realised this, though, it already seemed too late; it didn’t seem like Gintoki was going to save him. So, he resolved to keep his memories of Gintoki as a happy dream, and was ready to succumb to despair—when Gintoki finally comes to the rescue! (Not sure if Yamazaki didn’t press the button on purpose here) Of course, Gintoki was pissed off that Hijikata would do something this reckless. So he told Hijikata, “You should treasure yourself more…” (BTW, the original Japanese really only had “You should _______ more…”, I had to fill in the blanks) That’s when Hijikata realised that he was right all along; Gintoki hasn’t changed, even without Hijikata’s memories. And that’s all he needed to know.

And over in this exhibit we have the exact moment when Gintoki fell in love all over again

Right when Gintoki was about to profess his love say something to Hijikata, the kids finally arrive with the antidote! And Sougo even figured out that Gintoki doesn’t really need the antidote anymore since he’s in back in love with Hijikata XD But of course Gintoki wants to remember. Of course he wants to remember all about his time together with the man he now knows he loves. He drinks the antidote—

Ohhhh boy shit’s about to go DOWN

—And we arrive at the emotional climax of the story. Gintoki’s furious—Of course he would be; his lover just tried to erase himself from his life, thinking that it was for his sake! Gintoki thought that Hijikata had underestimated him—in a way, he’s right; Hijikata had underestimated just how much Gintoki needs him. He knew that Gintoki loves him, but he also thought that Gintoki should forsake him for the sake of those he wants to protect.

That’s why Gintoki let Hijikata know just how much he means to him. He has already come to know all of him, so he can’t ever bring himself to let him go. That’s when Hijikata started to realise that he was wrong about Gintoki, and wrong about himself. He meant much more to Gintoki than he ever thought he did.

This led to the one exchange that I wrote out this entire analysis for—

Did I really write 1800 words just for this? Yes. Yes I did.

If Hijikata really meant so much to him, then does that mean Gintoki would have tried to erase himself from Hijikata’s world for his sake, too? Gintoki doesn’t think so, but that’s after everything that has happened so far. Who’s to say he wouldn’t do it if their positions really were reversed at the beginning of the story? They both know that, because they both hold on so dearly to the same beliefs, the same pride.

That led to Gintoki throwing the question back at Hijikata—does that mean Hijikata would fall in love with Gintoki again even without his memories, just like Gintoki did? In asking this, Gintoki was telling Hijikata that, even if he were to do the same, deep down, he would still want Hijikata to fall in love with him again. And that’s when Hijikata realised—it was the same for him, too.

At that point, the two of them came to the same conclusion—neither of them can live without the other anymore. Yet, even if their positions were reversed, they would still have done the same. And even if that were to happen, they would still arrive at this same conclusion. They both love the other too much to let go; yet, they both love the other so much that they’d be willing to let go. Now that they both know this, their bond has become truly unbreakable.

Hijikata’s reply was therefore an affirmation—

“Even so, you’d have done the same. Even so, I’ll still fall in love with you.”

That’s just the way both of them are.

And so, at the end of the story, we now have Gintoki who wants Hijikata to know just how much he loves him (maybe becoming more possessive in the process?), and Hijikata who now knows just how much Gintoki loves him, and has come to forgive himself for loving him. Their relationship is one full of contradictions, yet no matter what happens, they will both find their way back to the place where they belong—in (or should I say on?) each other’s arms.

Look at the how much love there is in Hijikata’s eyes just LOOK AT IT AAAAA

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Makkura is one of my top Ginhiji doujins of all time! I really really hope that my translation managed to do it justice, and I hope my ramblings were coherent enough TvT

If you’ve managed to read this far, do give Makkura a reread and you just might see it in a different light ;) Of course, my interpretation might be different from what Syaku intended to present, so feel free to come up with your own interpretations as well!

Also, halfway through writing this I found an analysis by @mugimarumaru over in the MRM comments section, so do check it out as well :>

Thank you for coming to my TED talk and hope you have a nice day~

(I wish I’d put in this much effort in my college essays)

- JJ

(P.S. The REAL question here: if their roles were reversed would that make it a Hijigin book 🤔🤔🤔)

#ask #syaku #meta

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 3 years

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anon whom u asked to elaborate

(I'm a girl 17)I've had guy crushes bit i never wanted to be physically close to them or wanted to be in a relationship with them, not that that situation would've ever arised

but I've been questioning my sexuality for over a year and half now and i THINK i like this girl but i feel like it's not real and i want to be in a relationship with her and want to be close to her but idk if I'm REALLY attracted to her like 'butterflies in stomach' thing didn't happen but i was excited(maybe coz i know she's straight but idk)

and even in future I'd like to be with a girl(physically and emotionally also im pretty sure that im sexually attracted to them) but idk if I'd ever be attracted to them in a way they deserve and with boys i don't think it's physical atleast, idk about emotional cause I've had crushes and all

and i read your last reply and u said if in theory i think i am attracted to them thing but then every bi curious person is bi and so on?

and i think i have the potential to be attracted to women in future but it seems fake( this can also be because of the fact that i know zero lgbt+ people in real life and probably never will because of the situation in my society)

and ik you'll probably say it's internalized biphobia nd like yes maybe but it's been such a fucking long time it's frustating and i still haven't reached a conclusion and i just can't overcome it and I'm exhausted

Thanks for elaborating. And sorry if that’s not the magic epiphany you want to hear but yeah, a lot of that sounds like internalised biphobia/lesbophobia to me.

I would urge you to reread your own message again and maybe imagine it was someone else, maybe a good friend of yours, saying those things to you. What would you think or say to them if they said something like:

“i want to be in a relationship with her and want to be close to her”

“in future I'd like to be with a girl (physically and emotionally also im pretty sure that im sexually attracted to them)”

“i think i have the potential to be attracted to women in future”

Do any of these statements sound to you like something a heterosexual woman would say? To me they don’t. You are literally saying in various different ways that you are attracted to woman and desire them romantically and sexually. Straight women do not desire romantic and/or sexual relationships with other women. Straight women do not have the potential to be attracted to women - by definition they don’t bc they are heterosexual = exclusively attracted to men. Everything you say confirms that you are attracted to women = that you are NOT straight.

And all the doubts that you are having are internalised crap that’s holding you back. And yes, sure, living in a queerphobic environment where other LGBTQIA+ people are erased (I’m sure they exist around you but have to be closeted), puts you in a very tough position to explore and accept your sexuality. If you cannot connect to the queer community offline then at least try it online, try to talk to people here.

I also want to get into something you said regarding girls which was “idk if I'd ever be attracted to them in a way they deserve”. What do you mean “a way they deserve”? You don’t owe anyone attraction one way or another. Either you are attracted to someone or not. And there are probably as many different ways to be attracted to someone as there are different people. To some you may not be attracted at all, to others a little bit. To some the attraction might be purely sexual or purely romantic or something else entirely or a mix between all of it. And maybe after some time you realise there’s a pattern, for example that whenever you find yourself attracted to men it’s only or mostly sexual without any desire to pursue a romance there; but when you find yourself attracted to women there is more romance involved. Or maybe there’s a different pattern or none at all. But attraction just ~happens~ and it’s nothing that you are obliged to feel a certain way.

If you want to identify as bi then you can, even if those “attraction patterns” aren’t the same for every gender. It’s fine to be bi while having different desires for different genders. And for some bi people, romantic and sexual orientation don’t align perfectly, so you could also see if the split attraction model suits you (for example: bisexual/homoromantic). But to go back to that statement of yours: nobody “deserves” to be attracted to at all. You got that wrong here, my friend. You don’t owe it to anybody that you are attracted to them one way or another. If you have feelings for someone and you are afraid that they aren’t “strong enough” or aren’t of “the right kind” that’s for you to decide and I would always recommend to play with open cards and be honest to the person about feelings and fears and all that. And then they can decide for themselves what they want to make of this information. But nobody ever “deserves” to be the object of your desire in a certain way. Scratch that! It’s a very unrealistic and unhealthy way to look at attraction.

I understand that you are exhausted, that this seems like it’s not going anywhere. But then also consider how far you’ve already come. Think of yourself a year or two ago or even further back and see how much you’ve already learned about yourself. The fact you’re able to reflect on your sexuality that much is an achievement and you can be proud of it. Asking for help and advice is also something to be proud of. I do have my usual “getting rid of internalised biphobia” post here but in your case I would like to primarily advise you to be kind and patient to yourself. And start believing yourself! When you find yourself thinking “I have a crush on this girl/I am attracted to her/I want to be in a relationship with a woman” then remind yourself that those are not the words of a straight women. Try to kill those doubts with pure logic. I can guarantee you that no heterosexual woman desires sex or romance with another woman - if she does then she’s gonna realise sooner or later that she’s not really been straight after all. And furthermore: don’t waste too much energy comparing your feelings for women to your feelings for men. It can be interesting and for some people it’s helpful but for others it isn’t. If it doesn’t get your forward to compare that then just don’t and remind yourself that bisexuality doesn not mean you have to be equally attracted to all genders. It can be different and you don’t need to pick it all apart in detail if you don’t feel like that helps you at this point.

Maddie

#Anonymous

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teacherimagines · 4 years

Text

My Tc Diary

Hey y’all. This is my tc diary from 2018 and I decided to post this now in 2020 since I don’t think my identity will be revealed from anyone I know possibly reading this. It was sooooo weird rereading this, seeing what my thought process used to be, and the silly things I thought were important. So much has changed in my life since this phase of my life, but I hope you enjoy!

M/N stands for my name. I am not gender specific in the anecdotes. I am bisexual, and I talk about having three different tcs in here. I just use they/them to talk about them. And when I refer to ‘my tc’ I am talking about my first tc (the one I am crushing on the most). The other two I only talk about in one divided section for each.

*ONE FINAL VERY IMPORTANT NOTE* My teacher crushes were always professional when I was around them, they did absolutely nothing to suggest that they liked me as anything more than just a student. I started writing this because I was crushing on them badly, and I needed a way that I could share the times I was around them that made me happy. I hold a very high respect for my teachers, and I am so grateful that I got to have them in class. I never did/would never try to do anything that would harm/intrude on their careers, relationships, happiness, and personal lives. My relationships with teachers are the way they should be, the fact that I was crushing on them did not get in the way of that.

My Masterlist

I was walking out of school today, and my tc was walking behind me. I heard footsteps but I didn’t know it was them! Anyway I walked out the door, and held the door for them, and they thanked me. Their ‘thank you’ sounded so genuine and nice, I nearly had a heart attack.

I had my first class with my tc at the beginning of the semester. During the first week of class my tc had to shout out names for attendance because they didn’t know everyone yet. But they knew me. They never said my name during attendance. It just felt good, to have them remember me after meeting them only a couple of times before. Especially because I’m crushing on them super hard.

My tc got really excited today in class omg. We are doing a project and we get to pick our topics. So my tc comes up to me like “What is your topic?” And then I told them, my tc got so excited. Their eyes widened a little, and they went into this little rant about how fascinating my topic was. I like to see them being so passionate about something.

Someone in my class has a pet snail, and they keep it in a jar and bring it to school. So they go and ask my tc if they want to hold the snail. My tc (seriously) asks ‘does it bite?’ I WAS LIKE ARE YOU FOR REAL RN? I think it was cute because it was such a little snail.

My tc helped me write an essay today. They were super helpful, like, I was stuggling so bad, and they just helped me without making me feel like a complete idiot :)

OKAY IM SORRY OKAY TEMPTATIONS. I watched my tc put on chapstick today. Trust me, I wouldn’t watch it if they were looking directly at me. They were just staring off into space. *Note from future, I watch them do this quite often lol.

My tc said “good morning, M/N.” today! I said good morning back and was really happy. My tc also made a lot of eye contact with me today :o

I walk into my classroom today, and there were only two other students sitting at the desks. The class has about twenty students in it, and the bell was about to ring. One of the people in the room says “ooh, there’s a third one.” as I walk in. And my tc laughed and smiled and looked at me.

My tc was passing back papers and their arm accidentally bumped mine. Lol I’m dying inside.

When my tc lectures, they are very active with and linger their eye contact with every student. And I mean like that’s a good thing, but it makes me nervous when they look at me lol. OKAY BUT LIKE EYE CONTACT IS NOT OKAY. It is okay. But it makes me not okay. Especially when I’m trying to concentrate on the lesson, I just keep thinking back to five minutes ago when their eyes met mine and I felt all gooey in my tummy.

Got a paper back and on the top it said ‘good work M/N!’ in my tc’s handwriting. Felt good lol. I literally stared at my name written in their handwriting for like ten minutes. I need to stop. *not from future- I kept ALL of the papers from their class.

My tc will always ask the class something opinionated, and they will always make sure that everyone answers the question. And if it is regarding something that has to do with us being comfortable (ex: someone making a joke that is slightly controversial), they just make sure that everyone is really okay, no bs. OMG I FOUND A TEACHER WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THEIR STUDENTS WELL BEINGS. And I may or may not have a massively obvious crush on them.

I saw someone (a student) flirting with my tc today. This person is a MAJOR flirt. I know that they would never actually date my tc so I am not really worried about it. But they interrupt class a lot and flirt with them. IT IS SO OBVIOUS OMG.

I was walking in the hall today, and I saw my tc. They looked at me really quickly but as they walked closer they just stared at the floor lol. They do that a lot. Also, on another day, I was standing in the hall talking with my friend and my tc walked passed us. I know they looked at me- even if it was only for a second- I could feel it.

How can someone be so alert, friendly, and attractive at the beginning of the school day?

Today I was sitting doing my work and my tc comes over to my desk. They ask me how I am doing on the assignment and I said I’m doing okay. They stand by my desk, looking at my paper for what felt like a minute. I felt so awkward so I looked up at them with a face that said ‘need something’? Then they nodded and walked away. Like okayyyyyyy I’m not okay.

Every damn time I say ‘thank you’ to my tc they say ‘of course ‘my name.’ AND I AM LITERALLY MELTING RN MELTING

My tc learned a few fun facts about me today! Also, almost no one in my class believes in sasquatches (even me), but my tc does. And they got so frustrated because they said that sasquatches are ‘tangible’. Plus, they asked me where I see myself in ten years and I said I have no clue, and they were like ‘okay so you have like what, two years left to figure the rest of your life out?’ THANKS TC THANKS A LOT

My tc asked me if I had anything to share with the class today, and I said no lol. They asked another student and they said no too. Lol. Then my tc said ‘I shouldn’t let you all say no to me.’ Haha I’m dead.

I saw my tc with their significant other today. I feel really sad, and I really do care about my tc’s happiness, it just makes me sad that I can’t be that kind of special to them.

I saw my tc run today. I feel so blessed.

My tc said I did really good on writing my essays, and thanked me for handing them in. also—MY TC SMILED AT ME TODAY AND THEY ARE SO CUTE AND THEIR SMILE IS SO CUTE IMMMM DEADDDDD. Their smile was literally like this :)) They don’t usually smile at me, Idk why, but like I am also wondering what put them in such a good mood.

My tc gave me a letter today. At first I was like- woah?. Then they told me it was an invitation (from another teacher) for taking a AP course in their subject next school year. I was like ‘ah thank you’ but inside I was screeching (THE LETTER WASNT EVEN PERSONALLY FROM THEM WHY AM I FREAKING OUT??). Even though they won’t be teaching the course (they are moving schools), I want to make them remember me as someone who wants to excel in their subject (so I will take the course, plus I was planning on it already with my guidance counselor). Also, this means that they had a conversation with another teacher about me. So they probably thought of me recommended for me to take AP? This makes me happyyyy :)

So today my tc asked me if I read the letter they gave me. I said yes. They asked if I signed up for AP and I said yes. They got so happy omg- I was like trying to be chill (so were they). They said “that is so good ‘M/N’, you would make a really good fit in that class.” Then they kept smiling at me- I couldn’t concentrate! IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY THAT MY HARD WORK IS STARTING TO PAY OFF, AND MY TC IS RECOGNIZING THAT.

My tc gave my class a free work period and I was caught up on my work. Usually every night I try to read at least one news article before I go to bed, so I stay up to date on things (ya know, like nerds do). I didn’t get to read last night so I read some news in class. My tc comes over to see what I am doing and asks me “M/N, are you reading the news?” I nodded. Then they said “that is a very good use of your time.” Lol I wasn’t even doing the work they assigned. Then they come over later in class and ask me if I read from The Atlantic. I told them no, and they were like “I think you’d like them, they have very in depth articles. There’s this one a teacher showed me this morning about Donald Trump, and how he won the election, it was really good. You can let me know later if you’re interested in reading it.” I was like OKAY with a big splash of happiness. I want to read the article they suggested, but I was like hesitant to ask them for it, so I am just going to try and find it on my own lol. *NOTE from future, I read this website a lot now because it makes me think of them and it’s like, what if they read this article too?

MY TC SNEEZED TODAY AND I WAS LIKE AHHHH

I saw my tc in the hallway this morning and they said “good morning M/N.” They were carrying a cup of coffee, and that’s when I got to see how they drink their coffee-with a lot of creamer.

OKAY WHAT IS GOING ON? There’s this other teacher I have. My friend says she likes them. I thought I didn’t like them that much, and I expressed that to her. BUT THEN they start giving me this eye contact, and joking during class. And one day they try helping me on an assignment and LITERALLY THEIR ARM WAS TOUCHING MINE. I didn’t want to be rude and move it, and THEY JUST LEFT IT THERE. I have little physical contact with humans- I’m weird like that- I don’t usually like it when people touch me, there’s really no reason for it besides it is what it is. But I was fine in this situation. They also make a lot of conversation with me. Then I saw them in the library and they looked at me and smiled- they are gorgeous. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT LIFE ANYMORE. I thought I was only crushing on my original tc, but that’s changing now?¿ I think I take simple situations and go crazy with them, but STILL. So much more has happened between me and this teacher than me and my tc, but I still like my first tc more. ALSO, they bite their lip when they are concentrating on something difficult- I am swooning. *NOTE- I had a dream (rated R) about this teacher. WHATWHATWHAT? Today, I walked passed this tc and it LITERALLY felt like slow motion- and they kept eye contact with me as they walked by.

I’m hormonal. There’s this other tc I might have now. They are a different gender than my other two tcs. I like them a lot and I had them in a class before but I never thought of them like this. I realized that I have a lil crush on them today when I passed them in the hall and had some small talk. I thought wow, they’re a good person, they teach really good, they just talked to me like a normal person, and they’re attractive. MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING I HAVE LIKE THREE TCS NOW AND NO ONE IN MY LIFE KNOWS?

Today was my last day with my tc :(( it was kind of bittersweet though. They never really gave anyone a formal goodbye, but we did have a good conversation (which is the longest one I have ever had with them). I was on the computer doing a research project for a vacation to Italy. I was exploring around on google maps and they come over and ask me ‘where are you looking at?’ And I say Venice. So I zoom out and show them Italy from a map view, they talked about Italy, and just Europe in general. I then told them that I have been to Paris and London before, and they thought it was cool. Then they told me about their significant other who has traveled to London for a semester at college. Then they told me about their dream vacation to southern France, to see the lilac fields. They said ‘That would be my picturesque vacation.’ I WAS LIKE AWWWW (internally lol). I like flowers a lot, and I am pretty sure my tc knows that bc I wear clothes that have flower print, my backpack and pencil case is flower print too. And now that they told me that they like flowers too- I am just so happy! I have a lot in common with this tc, and it saddens me that this was our last interaction :((

#tc imagine #imagine #crush imagine #tc community #tcc #tcc imagine #teacher imagine #tcc blog #teacher crush #teacher crush imagine #imagines #crush

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ibroughtthisonmyselfpixels · 5 years

Text

SoS 22 Replies

First of all, that post I just reblogged before this? That’s what our Discord chat looked like this past long weekend. There was a LOT of talk about SoS 22, which I am so so so so pleased about, and I’ll embed some of the best parts into this replies post as we go. So, without further ado:

@tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photo “An extended cantata on a sacred subject.”

God

Three emphatic words of terror! An excellent start

@harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

/Oh shit/

I KNOW! I’m so pleased with how the shot came out, I was trying to replicate the other title ca-- oh, you mean oh shit they’re tied to chairs

@toxoplasmajuice replied to the same:

exsqueeze me?

Well, we all know it’s not exactly an ex squeezing them now,

@autistichatkid replied to the same:

....... ah

Lissa said on Discord in reference to “Lethe: “I’m SO glad you’re awake. We’ve only got a little of tonight...”

Lethe: Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there

autistichatkid said in reference to the same or thereabouts:

lethe: who wants to play a game

Show of hands, who wants The Jigsaw Killer vs The Dragonborn

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lyra: “Now, what’s this game you’re talking about?” Lethe: *back to...”

Lethe you /motherfucker/

autistichatkid said in reference to “Lethe: “Two more people die tonight - but who isn’t up to me anymore....”

whoa im WHAT lethe you cant DO THAT lethe u cant make them choose,,,,, lethe stop murder maybe

Like I said, this Sadistic Choice is one I’ve relished putting into partial play since the beginning so I’m glad it had the Desired Audience Effect. and the desired In Universe effect too, of course

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lyra: “Let me.” Lorelei: “–w-what?” Lethe: “What?” Lyra: *slightly...”

😬

That sure is the face Lyra is making

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lorelei: *comprehension dawning* “…want you to go…” *leans back in her...”

👀

That sure is the face Lorelei is mak--*bricked*

@bountifulberries replied to the same:

ooooooh shit

toxoplasmajuice replied to the same:

oh SHIIIIIIIIT

Mesh the two together and you get “ooooooh SHIIIIIIIIT”, and that sounds like a barbershop quartet rendition

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lyra: “I can’t lose Felicity either!!” Felicity: 60.73 Percy: 46.23”

Holy shit Feli!! (Also I'm still ?? if it's her so I can't really react one way or the other rn so I'm just :eyes:)

Feli won!! If she hadn’t had so much murderous baggage attached to that victory, it would be incredible. ...as it is, it’s still incredible, just with extra murderous baggage

Also, this is your second victory, right? After that - one project?

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lethe: “…” Lorelei: *hand outstretched, waiting for another sound*...”

I'm??? Feeling things here??? (God if it really does end up being Feli my heart's gonna b r e a k)

💔

@melien replied to the same:

As usual I'm in awe because of your writing

??!!?! I’m so pleased!!

autistichatkid said in reference to the same:

okay so im leaning toward lethe being percy still but its gonna be Weird if lyra is like "yeah uhhhhh kill feli" and. lethe Is feli. i dont think it's feli but honestly idk i also dont think lyra is coming to a "decision", just killing time, but yknow weird hypotheticals

Me, literally, to Jack, when you said that hours after the fact: 😬

Jack: If this is about Kasper's current reactions I'm just like "Oh honey, you've got a big storm coming"

autistichatkid said in reference to “Lyra: “…Okay. Okay. I - ” *sighs, part in dread and part from...”

THEY FREE

They’re not the only ones getting free tonight........

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lyra: *louder, to be heard over the crying* “Lethe? Something happen...”

*Vibrating with suspense*

NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FELT SETTING THIS ALL UP

@simstrations replied to the same:

Cliffhanger?!

Fortunately it’s only a very shallow cliff... with a pretty deep pit at the bottom, so win/win

bountifulberries replied to your photoset “Lyra: “Felicity.”

nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

FUCK

toxoplasmajuice replied to the same:

OH FUCK

autistichatkid said in reference to the same:

OH FUCK ME IT'S FELI

I AM STILL SO SORRY IT HAD TO COME TO THIS

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Felicity: *sobbing too hard to even speak* ”

FUCK I CALLED THIS

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to the same:

Jeez, I guessed it right

simstrations replied to the same:

I thought so. This is good

Well, it was her or Percy at this point. Not like y’all had a lot of options :P

melien replied to the same:

This is sooooo intense

Interesting thing about Lethe compared to my other murderers, as you may or may not have picked up on: the murders are a lot simpler in scope. No convoluted set-ups with electromagnetic bombs, no risin poisoning or hypnosis - not even a Wounded Gazelle Gambit. They’re all just things that anybody, with a disability of any stripe or without, can do - partly to make things less painful for the victims, partly to make it easier for Feli to believe she was being kind, partly so that it looks like anyone could’ve done it

...wait, did I already explain this? I’m flying home today and it’s kind of been long so forgive me if I’m repeating myself

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lyra: *voice breaking as she stumbles over* “Feli- you’ve been - it’s...”

😭😭😭

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Felicity: “W- why’d you come in here? Yo- I - I was being Lethe. Had...”

😭

Jack is NOT even exaggerating here. Per Discord: “Y’all I’m starting to get tipsy and I’m Big Sad as this is sinking in [...] I had the first MMBC where the murderer won and now my contestant is the murderer who won. This is incredibly fitting tbh. Still gonna have a billion crying emojis on the posts tho”

Let’s put that to the test, in fact. Crying count: 4

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Felicity: “Hey! How-” “Felicity! Thank god, you’re awake. I’ve–”...”

hmmmmmmmmmm

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

🤔👀

Did y’all doubt Elias

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Elias: “You, you’ve got to send someone up! I don’t even know if it’s...”

OH HELL NO

toxoplasmajuice replied to the same:

HMMMMMMMMMMMM

Y’ALL BETTER NOT HAVE DOUBTED ELIAS

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Elias: “O-ow–!” Felicity: “Who-?!” Cathy Baines: “Don’t push your...”

CATHERINE MOTHERFUCKIGN BAINES

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

OH MY FUCJING GOD CATHH FUCKING BAINES

HEAD CHEERLEADER

HOMECOMING QUEEN

PART TIME MOTHERFUCKING MODEL

autistichatkid said in reference to the same:

oh hi cathy

Lisa, Lisa, you’re tearing me apAAAart!

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Cathy: “Felicity! Hi! So great to finally chat to you in person! I’ve...”

Holy fucking shit

yeah that about sums it up

Jack in Discord: I can only imagine reading this sober bc reading this tipsy is a trip

Clover: im sober but losing my mind so whats the difference

I’m teetotal and I was freaking out all days so here’s my stance on that

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Cathy: “You see… how do I put this delicately…? Oh! Have you ever...”

Oh my /god/. Oh my /*god*/

(Also may this just be the essence of Cathy, you are absolutely nailing her character here and I am Living for it)

I’ve already thanked you for thinking so, but thank you again for thinking so!!

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Cathy: “Anywayyy, I didn’t just call to let you know how things’re...”

Oh Cathy you conniving little despair being you

Well done, Cathybot, have a biscuit

Jack: Also I reread a bit and her saying Riverview isn't a swing state? Classic Cathy right there

Fun fact: took me a while when writing to remember what a swing state was called. I think I initially wanted to call it a ‘stem state’ or some shit like that?

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Felicity: “…s-so… so - if I do this… if I… you’ll let Elias go?” ...”

😭😭😭

Crying count: 7

Jack: Catch me get emotional rn like I’m trying not to cry like poor Feli and fucking Cathy being That Despair Btich

Doesn’t seem to me like you’re trying very hard /TEASING

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Felicity: “Y… you are, Elias. You are. You’re my brother, you’re -...”

💔💔

I only wish my brother and I had that kinda relationship

autistichatkid said in reference to “Felicity: “I t- I tried - I tried to pr- protect you as much as I...”

oh god....... oh god

I didn’t even ‘learn’ that Chadrick used his teeth until the actual writing process; I was operating under the assumption he’d used a knife too. Fuck you for giving me the worst ideas at the best times, Brain

oh jesus the first time i read thru that i read "im sorry for LIVING" instead of "im sorry for lying" and i. didnt even question it. jesus fuck

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Felicity: “–y- h- huh?” *realizes the hand in hers, looks up* “W…...”

😢

W......

Crying count: 8 (single tears count)

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Felicity, stumbling to her feet: “W- we are? You’re… really–?”...”

Lyra is? So good? I love her so much. And Feli (and Lor and her side)

THEY ARE ALL SO GOOD THOUGH. HOW DID I MAKE THESE

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “A- any luck?” Lyra: *through the door* “Yeah, there’s one...”

eden lee: you're all talking at once! / lorelei, lavandar, percy: *all talk at once again*

See, the difference is that that time they were all saying the same thing, which makes them much easier to be understood, and furthermore,

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “Lavandar!!” *grabs her hand* “We gotta go!” Lavandar:...”

!!!!

autistichatkid replied to the same:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

EVERYBODY IS SCREAMING

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lavandar: “B-but what go- good will I-” Lyra, from inside the car: “A...”

😢

Crying count: 9

melien replied to the same:

It's heartbreaking and I want to give them a big hug but I had a feeling it would happen

I’M NOT GOING TO LIE THOUGH MELIEN IT WAS A VERY CLOSE CALL WITHIN THE LAST CHANCE ROOM FOR A SEC THERE. Eden Lee went first and their two Rant About Dark Rooms in a row bumped them up by six points per, and Lavandar did less interactions in the same amount of time but fortunately she was just ahead enough at the start of the day that a well placed Discuss SLR Cameras was enough to get her ahead, and I would’ve been happy whichever one of the two won but

but come on having the one Lorelei confided her Melody backstory to win was A GREAT BONUS

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lyra: “-so that’s about the size of that.” Lavandar: “G- god… fuck, no...”

1) I’m feeling the suspense of this 2) The driver is a mood

I’ve been getting a lot of Lyfts over the course of this holiday, and in fact I was up here when they had that strike - I feel worse for Lyft and Uber drivers now than I ever have before, and I already felt pretty bad

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Cathy: “–it over to Safehouse F! “…no, I don’t care how, break it in...”

give her HELL lyra

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

KICK 👏🏼 HER 👏🏼 ASS 👏🏼

Lyra: *kangaroo kicks down Cathy Baines with her leg, falls flat on her ass* CALLBACK HOLY FUCK

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Cathy: “I’ll be damned. Melody Buonarroti, back at last…” Lorelei: “C-...”

FUCK

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

Oh shit!!

Bollocks!

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lyra: “Enough!! Leave everyone else out of this!! If you’re gonna fuck...”

Cathy what does that mean...

Cathy: you heard what I said little boy

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Cathy: “Are you so atrociously naive that you think it’s possible to...”

hey "cathy" go *be a good girl* and spontaneously combust please :)

Would that I could make her, Clover, would that I could make her

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

😬

Teeth Grits

Jack in Discord: Again, you nailed her characterization. It perfectly illustrated how Junko influenced my writing on her and I was living for it It was a tone shift, but like I said, perfectly in-character and I loved

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “*crunch* Lorelei: *gasp* Lavandar: “Oh god-!!”

😨

toxoplasmajuice replied to the same:

SHIT

autistichatkid replied to the same:

😬😰

Lyra picked a fight with the wrong arch enemy

@tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Cathy: “…fine.” *Lyra drops to the ground, wheezing, taking in as...”

go eat cottage cheese and saltines in the dark, you triscuit looking bitch

I should note that Vidcund was coming back from Greece for much of this rigmarole. It’s, perhaps, very telling that her first and only “on-site” reply to this was the kind of threat that an angry Zeus would make.

autistichatkid replied to your photoset “Lyra: “…alive.” Felicity: *burying her head in Elias’s shoulder,...”

😭

toxoplasmajuice replied to the same:

1. 😭😭😭 2. my poses!

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

😭😭

Other people’s crying counts too! Crying count: 15

autistichatkid replied to your photoset “Lyra: “Hey, Lor, new plan. Can you guys go on without me for a bit?” ...”

flower, gleam, and gl

Lavandar is Rapunzel under UV Light

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lyra: “…Feli?” Felicity: *covers face to hide a fresh wave of tears,...”

💔

I mean Felicity’s concern isn’t? Invalid?

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Felicity: “You… you didn’t have to do a- any of this. Not for me....”

Fuck 😭

Crying count: 16

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Lyra: “C’mere.” Felicity: *stiffens at her touch* “Lyra-?” ...”

theres somethign in my eye

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

Oh fuck 💔😭

Hm. Do I count things being in Clover’s eye? ... eh, let’s do it. Crying count: 18

(I keep count, but I can’t talk - while writing this part I was fucking bawling)

Clover: im going to die because of this

Jack: Also Catch Troye Francis in the club obstructing Justice (But again, Cathy) I know I say that but Dub I’m living for this finale. It’s so good

Honestly if Troye HAD obstructed Justice and they had won the Francis MMBC a whole lot of shit might not have gone down and it’d be a worse universe

autistichatkid reblogged your photoset and tagged:

#YES BABY YOU ARE!!! YOU ARE IM AAAAAAAAA

autistichatkid reblogged your photoset and tagged:

#😭😭😭😭❤❤❤

harmoniouspixels replied to your photoset “Lavandar: “Lorelei, I’m home!! I’m home, y- you’re home, we’re -...”

❤️😭

autistichatkid reblogged the same and added:

THEY’RE HOME 😭❤😭

Crying count: 25

melien replied to the same:

This is freaking cute ;_;

melien replied to your photoset “Lyra: “Hey, lovebirds, heh - Eden Lee’s still here.” Lavandar:...”

❤

Thanks for being so understanding about this, melien

autistichatkid replied to your photoset “Lavandar: “Oooh, l- look at that one! It’s all sparkly, like your...”

😭

Crying count: 26. BRB building an ark

bountifulberries replied to your photoset “Lyra, as sirens rise in the distance: “You… sure did.” – End of...”

!!!!!!!!!!!!

harmoniouspixels replied to the same:

Oh shit 👀

toxoplasmajuice replied to the same:

AAAAAAAAAAA

SO MANY GHOSTS WENT UPSTAIRS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER THAT NIGHT

melien-simspiration (so basically melien) reblogged your photoset and tagged:

#yay birthmarks! #they look great and I love the naming choice

Thank!!!

harmoniouspixels replied to your post “Murderers, Expectations, and the Unintended Benefits”

I’ve just finished reading this and?? Holy shit??? I’m so impressed with all that you put into this and the fact you were able to guide me into doing things (releasing Elias, asking about Veronica’s exes), without me being suspicious at all. Granted Elias was asked via a disguised anon, but the exes question (at least back then) I didn’t bat an eye at, and just figured it would be a good point of Veronica’s backstory. I’m just still so shook, and you deserve all the praise for this!

Part of me still feels like I don’t, but I’m trying to shut it up because?? AAA??? All this reception???!!!

Jack: Also if I’m remembering the post right, I do agree with Cathy’s death in Baines being... lackluster, unfitting for one of her caliber. I think it was part to do with my mental state at the time and wanting to leave simblr, so squashing a loose end like that felt right at the time. However, as I re-evaluated my stance and stuck around, that decision still haunts me, and I so desperately wish she was still alive on the surface for me to do stuff with. (Especially given my political interests and my quasi-real world events interlaced with the MMBC-verse, I would’ve had a field day writing for Cathy had she lived and won the congressional seat she was running for)

However, the continued existence of her robots have given me some... ideas, to say the least >:)

I have already evil grinned back at you, but here’s one more for the road: >:)

autistichatkid said of the same:

finale / analysis thoughts: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA im. i loved that so fucking much oh my god

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#tiny-tany-thaanos #harmoniouspixels #toxoplasmajuice #autistichatkid #berriesandbrownsugar #bountifulberries #melien #simstrations #tosimornottosim #sos mm bc #spoilers

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leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid · 7 years

Text

That’s Not Fine

Pairing: Dean x Reader; Charlie Bradbury, and ofc Seraphina

Word Count: 3228

Warnings: Symptoms of Bipolar 2 disorder, depression, hypomania, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, negative self image and thoughts. If any of this is triggering or possibly triggering Please Do Not Read!!!!

Author’s Note: Written for the Mental Health Awareness Challenge hosted by @letsgetoutalive. This is an AU where Dean is not a hunter but he is the reader’s husband. The reader has Bipolar 2 disorder and she is me. This story is based on true events that happened over the summer between myself and several others. They know who they are and I hope this gives them a little peak at what was going on in my head at the time. I can never apologize enough and to some I can’t apologize at all for the things I did while having an episode, and its completely inexcusable. Things are different now and if you feel like things are getting out of control or those around you keep saying, get help, please seek treatment. No one deserves to deal with a disorder like this without help. It’s awful for everyone involved. My birthday gift to myself today is truth, to lay myself out for you all to see. My name is Sundae, I’m bipolar, and this is my story. Italics are inner thoughts, Bold italics are IM messages.

There it was again, that thought, the nagging, constient voice whispering in your ear. ‘They hate you. You pissed them off. They just put up with you and your crap because they feel bad for you. You have to make it up to them, fix it. Fix it. Fix it!’ That little voice was back and it was getting louder and louder everyday.

“Hey babe, you okay?” you husband Dean sat down next to you on the bed, wonder in his beautiful green eyes.

You looked up from your laptop screen, putting a fake half smile on your face as you nodded. “Yep, all good. Was just messaging Charlie back.”

“Oh, tell her I said hi and I’m gonna get dinner going. Thought I’d let you know since I know you are trying to write in here.”

“Yeah, not much writing going on today but alright. Let me know when it’s ready. Love you.”

Dean leaned closer, “Love you too.” his pink plush lips brush over yours before he jumps up and walks out of the room.

Your eyes went back to your screen, the message to Charlie still sitting unsent in the IM window. ‘It’s just I feel like I’m bothering you all the time and I don’t want to do that. I never want to do that to you because I love you. You are one of my best friends and if I’m too much to handle you are welcome to drop me out of your life.’ You reread that message three times before letting your fingers fly over the keys again. ‘I completely understand and I encourage you to distance yourself from me. It would be a lot better if you did.’ Sent.

There it was finally, in black and white, and you hoped when Charlie read the message she would see it was for the best for her to walk away from her friendship with you. You’d always told her that you were trouble. That being friends meant that she would be dealing with a crazy person and she had laughed it off thinking it was just a joke. It wasn’t and now you waited for when she’d read the message and get back to you.

Clicking over into another tab sat the unfinished story you had been working on. A challenge a friend had given you that when you said you’d do it had inspired so many things. A rockstar falling in love and getting addicted to heroin, using with her bass player/boyfriend, the highs and lows of stardom making them chase that high higher and higher until they couldn’t chase it anymore. You’d planned it out, knew what was going to happen, but here you sat staring at just the first few paragraphs, all energy to write it gone.

“Come on Y/N, you can write this.” you whispered to yourself. You’d been writing for years, the last year of which had been your most productive, writing and releasing stories onto your blog multiple times a week. Most of your nights spent wide awake, fingers flying over the keys to bring to life new pieces of storytelling and filth for the masses to read along with you. You knew you could do this, you’d finished every single challenge you’d been given so far, and you were not about to let this one be a failure.

Rereading what you’d written though sparked no inspiration and when you clicked back into the tab for Tumblr you saw a message from Charlie.

‘I’m not going to do that and you aren’t bothering me. I don’t understand why you feel like that but we’ve been over this again and again. Please, Y/N, let this go and move on.’

She was mad at you. Clearly she was mad and you felt tears starting to burn behind your eyes. You’d done it again, made a friend mad when you were just trying to fix it. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just how I was feeling is all.’

‘You have no reason to feel that way.’

Charlie’s response didn’t make sense to you and you reread it half a dozen times before replying again. You did have reason to feel that way because she’d been distant and you knew you’d been bothering her because she’d told you earlier in the week she’d been busy with work. You needed to make her see that you were no good for her and you were a cancer in her life that needed to be eliminated.

‘But I do and I’m just sorry.’

There was no reply after that and you knew your friendship was over. Fat, hot tears ran down your cheeks as you sat in bed waiting for a reply that never came. Dean hollered from the kitchen that dinner was ready and you wiped at your face till you were sure he couldn’t tell you’d been crying.

The smell of steak filling your senses as you wandered slowly into the kitchen. “Smells great babe.”

Dean turned around, a smile gracing his gorgeous face. “Thanks, did you need more time to write after dinner?” He asked as he started to portion out the plates.

“No, wasn’t getting much done anyway.” You were a failure and all you could do was stuff your face and hope Dean didn’t decide this was when he wanted to walk away from a fat ass like you.

Together you ate while he talked about different parts of his day at the shop he co-owned with his dad and you tried to pay attention as you kept rerunning the chat you’d had with Charlie. There had to be a way to fix it, you’d messed it up so badly.

Dean continued to talk until you had finished dinner, not once did he ask how your day had been, and as you walked to the bedroom together to watch tv your heart sank. ‘He doesn’t even care how your day was. He knows it was boring. He probably hates you like Charlie does and like Ellen does, and Jo.’ You knew everyone hated you and you deserved for them to hate you.

The next couple hours were spent watching a movie on Netflix and when Dean fell asleep without kissing you goodnight you’d turned off the tv as well as your bedside lamp, and turned away from him. You reached for your phone, the Tumblr app opening, and showing a new message from someone and you were filled with dread at who it might be.

‘Please, Y/N, let it go. I can’t keep telling you that everything is fine between us. You are my friend and I love you but you need help. Something is wrong and I can’t help you.’

Charlie’s words cut like a knife through your heart and you let silent sobs wrack your body. Something was wrong, very wrong, and every time you saw a doctor they always told you the same thing. It’s just a little depression and a few months with medication should make you feel better. And the doctor was right, it did, for awhile.

That’s when you would feel normal, you’d finally sleep and eat like everyone else, you’d spend time with Dean doing things you loved and your brain didn’t feel like it was running a marathon. The meds worked, they did but then everything would start to slip. You’d take your meds but then you’d start feeling that urge to stay awake. To write one more story, ideas flying out of your head so fast you could hardly keep up. The phrases, “did you sleep? When did you come to bed? Have you eaten today?” all became regular parts of your husband’s vocabulary.

You’d shrug him off, you were fine, and super productive. You had stories ready for when you had writers block and your follower count was up since you’d been posting so much new content. Things were fine, he just couldn’t see it. You didn’t need to sleep to be amazing or put out amazing content, this was how you were and you loved it.

But you knew, every single time, and you dreaded what you knew was coming. What you were going through right now, this low, the darkness slowly closing in around you. Every thought in your head telling you that you were a bad person and deserved to be told so by everyone. You didn’t deserve to be happy, you deserved to feel this way, and to watch your friends walk away from a crazy person like you.

You clicked over to your dash, scrolling through posts and finding nothing to occupy your mind. All that kept going around and around in your head was Charlie’s words, your brain highlighting certain parts and leaving others behind. ‘Y/N, let it go. I can’t keep telling you that everything is fine. You need help and I can’t help you.’ Over and over again your brain kept repeating it until finally you couldn’t hold it in anymore.

Instead of bothering anyone you opened a text post, sticking a little asterisk in where you’d put your usual text and start venting in the tags.

Writing all that out did nothing to make you feel better and you continued to cry until you fell asleep. When you awoke the next morning, Dean was already gone, and you grabbed your phone to check for notifications and messages. A text from Dean told you he loved you and he’d be late getting home. Paperwork for the expansion was finally in and he’d need to work on it with his dad after hours.

Next was Tumblr and as usual you didn’t have any messages. The notifications were from people reblogging mostly your reblogs and a few likes on an old story back when you were actually able to write. With nothing worth looking at there any longer, you opened your dash and started scrolling. Just a few posts down was one by Charlie and she was obviously not happy.

Charlie’s post ate at you, reading it and the tags over and over again. You knew it had been wrong to put her in the tags, knew that online etiquette says don’t out anyone or say anything except positive things about others but you had to get it out. Your brain wouldn’t stop, the voice repeating itself over and over again until you posted it.

You pushed the reblog button, your fingers poised over the keys trying to think of what to say but all you could think was that she was right. You were sick and manipulating people into feeling bad for you. There was no reason for anyone to feel sorry for you because you were acting like a child, boohooing on the internet when you should just keep it to yourself.

Closing the reblog you starting planning instead. The world didn’t need you in it, messing everything up for everyone. Bothering them with your nonsense and dragging them down when they were all so happy. Dean would be home late and you knew that would give you the time that you needed to do this right.

Walking into your bathroom you took stock of what you had on hand in the cabinet. Muscle relaxers from when Dean hurt his back a few weeks before, the sleeping pills your doctor gave you for when you told him you had trouble sleeping, and your Prozac that was half full of capsules. You weren’t sure if it would be enough but you figured if you ground everything down they might at least work faster. Dean would probably get home too late to help you and it would all just end.

With a plan forming in your mind you heard a ding from your phone of a message. Opening it you saw it was from Seraphine, a friend you had made online and you sighed wondering what she wanted.

‘Hey sweetie just wanted to check in on you. I saw your post from last night and if you need to talk I’m here for you.’

‘Hey Sera I’m fine just having a moment. Don’t worry about me. I’m good.’

‘You sure?”

You chewed at your lip knowing you were lying but not wanting to worry your friend at all. ‘Yeah I’m fine. Everythings fine.’

‘Doesn’t seem fine. How are things with Dean?”

‘Dean’s good. Working late tonight which is good for me. Lets me get done what I need to do.’

There was a pause between messages and you sat on your bed waiting for her to reply so you could say goodbye and get the mortar and pestle from your kitchen to start getting your pills ready.

‘What is it that you need to do?’

You were getting aggravated, you needed to go so you could do this. You needed to end this conversation and end your sad pathetic existence.

‘Nothing you need to worry about. Just something that needs to be done. I’ve got to go. Bye sweetie.’

‘Wait! Don’t go, Y/N. Please, whatever it is you need to do I want you to know you don’t have to. What time is Dean coming home?’

You looked up at the clock and realized the day had slipped away from you. Hours of time just bleeding into one another without you even noticing, the sky outside your bedroom window already showing an orange and pink glow of the sunset.

‘I don’t know. All his text said was late. It will be fine. I gotta go, Sera.’

‘You don’t have to go. Stay and talk to me, Y/N. I’m worried about you.’

You scoffed to yourself and punched in your reply. ‘You don’t have to be worried about me. Nothing to worry about. I need to go, Seraphine. It will all be better once I do.’

‘No, it won’t. Please, don’t go yet ,Y/N.Call Dean and tell him you need him to come home. You shouldn’t be alone right now.’

You shook your head, tears burning and falling quickly down your face. ‘I’m not going to bother him and I’m fine.’

‘You aren’t fine and you need to call him. If you won’t I will. Please, Y/N.’

Your phone slipped from your hand and onto your bed where you left it to swipe at the tears coursing down your face. You were so pathetic, crying like this. You needed to stop and just do what needed to be done. Leaving your phone where it landed you stood up and rounded the side of your bed just as you heard the front door open, Dean rushing in while calling your name.

“Y/N! Hey babe, Charlie called me and said that you needed me to come home right away. Sweetheart, what’s going on?” The love and concern poured off of Dean in waves and you were overcome with despair, shame, and fear. A great heart wrenching sob leaving your body as you launched yourself into his chest, his arms wrapping around you as your body convulsed with cries.

“Whoa sweetheart, what’s going on? Come on, kid. Talk to me.” Dean held you tight to him and you just cried, not a single word could be released with how hard you were sobbing. He moved the two of you till he could sit on the end of the bed, pulling you sideways into his lap, rubbing his hand in circles over your back and telling you how much he loved you. “Talk to me, Y/N. Please tell me what happened?”

Through your tears your drew in a few deep breaths, you lips quivering as you shakingly responded. “I’m scared. I’m so scared and I-I don’t know what to do.” More sobs erupted at your confession and Dean squeezed you in reassurance.

“Charlie said you were planning to kill yourself. Where you? Please tell me she was wrong about that. I can’t lose you. Not like that.” Dean’s voice broke as he spoke, his own grief over his wife being in so much pain spilling ovel.

“I’m so scared because I want to Dean, so bad. I want everything to just stop. Make it stop, Dean. Make it stop.”

Dean pressed his lips to your head before moving his hand to your cheek and bringing your face up to look at him. “Tell me what to do to make it stop and I will. Tell me what you need and I’ll do it. Right here, right now.”

You shook your head, tears streaming down your face as you confessed, “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay. I’ll figure it out. Maybe we should call your doctor and tell him what’s going on. He should be able to help.” Dean reached for your phone knowing the number to your doctor was inside along with the emergency contact number for moments like this.

“No, Dean. Please, don’t call him. Not right now. I can’t. Please, just hold me. I need you to hold me and make it stop.” you turned yourself in his arms till you could wrap yourself completely around him, sobbing into his shoulder and releasing all the hurt you’d let consume you the last couple of weeks.

He held you to him, reminding you that he was there, and he wasn’t going to leave you. When you finally started to calm he leaned back and looked into your reddened eyes. “Sweetheart, we need to get you help. I love you but you need to talk to your doctor.”

You shook your head in protest. “No, I’ll be fine, Dean. Really it’s fine.”

“Y/N, that’s not fine. The phone call from Charlie telling me my wife was making posts online, talking to people about needing to go do something and everything would be better after. That’s not fine. You are not fine but you can fight this. We can fight this. Please babe, let me help you fight this. Let me call your doctor.” Dean’s olive orbs pleaded with you and you leaned around him to grab your phone.

“Help me?” A shuddered breath fell from your lips and Dean kissed your forehead before nodding.

He scrolled through your contacts and made the call to get you help.

12 weeks later

Bipolar 2, finally your doctor had listened and you had the right diagnoses. It was scary, the scariest thing a doctor had probably ever said to you and Dean stood by you the entire time. Not once thinking to walk away from you or to let you stop fighting. The medication you were on was changed and with it your activities at home. The amount of time you spent online went down considerably and you’d managed to apologize for your behavior towards Charlie at the time.

You’d told Seraphine thank you, having connected the dots that she had been the one to contact Charlie, who in turn called Dean. Together they had all saved you from yourself and now you were on the road to being a healthy version of yourself. No amount of thank yous were enough but you tried at least once a day, to return some of their kindness back into the world. Because being sick isn’t an excuse but it is a reality and with these people on your side as well as proper medical treatment, your reality was looking a whole lot better.

Tagging let me know if you want off the ride: @aprofoundbondwithdean @brooklyn-writes-flangst @duckzorz @gizmospacerocket @kayteonline @jotink78 @manawhaat @maxremixed @mrsjohnsmith @mrswhozeewhatsis @oriona75 @rizlow1 @littlegreenplasticsoldier @harley-kitty-queen @callmesweetheartifyoumeanit @lady-of-the-bunker @tardis-is-mine @nichelle-my-belle @superromijn @sis-tafics @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @mysupernaturalfics @nerdflash @waywardjoy @superisatomboyuniverse @cici0507 @beatlesobsessionlove @chelsea072498 @loveitsallineed @love-me-some-pie21 @atc74 @for-the-love-of-dean @impala-dreamer @percywinchester27 @i-dont-understand-whats-going-on @bitch-jerk-assbutt-xo @therosecolouredpost @dorky-and-i-know-it @supernatural-jackles @iwantthedean @gemini75seeyore @babypieandwhiskey @milkymilky-cocopuff @mrsbarry-allen-1031 @letsdisneythings @winchesterenthusiast @femmedplume

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