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ganymedesclock · 3 years

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These are questions I've had for some while and it's hard to find someone who'll answer with grace. This mostly relates to disabilities (mental or physical) in fiction.

1) What makes a portrayal of a disability that's harming the character in question ableist?

2) Is there a way to write a disabled villain in a way that isn't ableist?

In the circles I've been in, the common conceptions are you can't use a character's disability as a plot point or showcase it being a hindrance in some manner. heaven forbid you make your villain disabled in some capacity, that's a freaking death sentence to a creative's image. I understand historically villains were the only characters given disabilities, but (and this is my personal experience) I've not seen as many disabled villains nowadays, heck, I see more disabled heroes in media nowadays.

Sorry if this comes off as abrasive, I'd really like to be informed for future media consumption and my own creative endeavors.

Okay so the first thing I'm going to say is that while it IS a good idea to talk to disabled people and get their feedback, disabled people are not a monolith and they aren't going to all have the same take on how this goes.

My personal take is biased in favor that I'm a neurodivergent person (ADHD and autism) who has no real experience with physical disabilities, so I won't speak for physically disabled people- heck, I won't even speak for every neurotype. Like I say, people aren't a monolith.

For myself and my own writing of disabled characters, here's a couple of concepts I stick by:

Research is your friend

Think about broad conventions of ableism

Be mindful of cast composition

1. Research is your friend

Yeah this is the thing everybody says, so here's the main bases I try to cover:

What's the story on this character's disability?

Less in terms of 'tragic angst' and more, what kind of condition this is- because a congenital amputee (that is to say, someone who was born without a limb) will have a different relationship to said limb absence than someone who lost their limb years ago to someone who lost their limb yesterday. How did people in their life respond to it, and how did they respond to it? These responses are not "natural" and will not be the same to every person with every worldview. This can also be a great environment to do worldbuilding in! Think about the movie (and the tv series) How To Train Your Dragon. The vikings in that setting don't have access to modern medicine, and they're, well, literally fighting dragons and other vikings. The instance of disability is high, and the medical terminology to talk about said disabilities is fairly lackluster- but in a context where you need every man you possibly can to avoid the winter, the mindset is going to be not necessarily very correct, but egalitarian. You live in a village of twenty people and know a guy who took a nasty blow to the head and hasn't quite been the same ever since? "Traumatic Brain Injury" is probably not going to be on your lips, but you're also probably going to just make whatever peace you need to and figure out how to accommodate Old Byron for his occasional inability to find the right word, stammers and trembles. In this example, there are several relevant pieces of information- what the character's disability is (aphasia), how they got it (brain injury), and the culture and climate around it (every man has to work, and we can't make more men or throw them away very easily, so, how can we make sure this person can work even if we don't know what's wrong with them)

And that dovetails into:

What's the real history, and modern understandings, of this?

This is where "knowing the story" helps a lot. To keep positing our hypothetical viking with a brain injury, I can look into brain injuries, what affects their extent and prognosis, and maybe even beliefs about this from the time period and setting I'm thinking of (because people have had brains, and brain injuries, the entire time!) Sure, if the setting is fantastical, I have wiggle room, but looking at inspirations might give me a guide post.

Having a name for your disorder also lets you look for posts made by specific people who live with the condition talking about their lives. This is super, super important for conditions stereotyped as really scary, like schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder. Even if you already know "schizophrenic people are real and normal" it's still a good thing to wake yourself up and connect with others.

2. Think about broad conventions of ableism

It CAN seem very daunting or intimidating to stay ahead of every single possible condition that could affect someone's body and mind and the specific stereotypes to avoid- there's a lot under the vast umbrella of human experience and we're learning more all the time! A good hallmark is, ableism has a few broad tendencies, and when you see those tendencies rear their head, in your own thinking or in accounts you read by others, it's good to put your skeptical glasses on and look closer. Here's a few that I tend to watch out for:

Failing the “heartwarming dog” test

This was a piece of sage wisdom that passed my eyeballs, became accepted as sage wisdom, and my brain magnificently failed to recall where I saw it. Basically, if you could replace your disabled character with a lovable pet who might need a procedure to save them, and it wouldn’t change the plot, that’s something to look into.

Disability activists speak often about infantilization, and this is a big thing of what they mean- a lot of casual ableism considers disabled people as basically belonging to, or being a burden onto, the able-bodied and neurotypical. This doesn’t necessarily even need to have an able neurotypical in the picture- a personal experience I had that was extremely hurtful was at a point in high school, I decided to do some research on autism for a school project. As an autistic teenager looking up resources online, I was very upset to realize that every single resource I accessed at the time presumed it was talking to a neurotypical parent about their helpless autistic child. I was looking for resources to myself, yet made to feel like I was the subject in a conversation.

Likewise, many wheelchair users have relayed the experience of, when they, in their chair, are in an environment accompanied by someone else who isn’t using a chair, strangers would speak to the standing person exclusively, avoiding addressing the chair user.

It’s important to always remind yourself that at no point do disabled people stop being people. Yes, even people who have facial deformities; yes, even people who need help using the bathroom; yes, even people who drool; yes, even people whose conditions impact their ability to communicate, yes, even people with cognitive disabilities. They are people, they deserve dignity, and they are not “a child trapped in a 27-year-old body”- a disabled adult is still an adult. All of the “trying to learn the right rules” in the world won’t save you if you keep an underlying fear of non-normative bodies and minds.

This also has a modest overlap between disability and sexuality in particular. I am an autistic grayromantic ace. Absolutely none of my choices or inclinations about sex are because I’m too naive or innocent or childlike to comprehend the notion- disabled people have as diverse a relationship with sexuality as any other. That underlying fear- as mentioned before- can prevent many people from imagining that, say, a wheelchair user might enjoy sex and have experience with it. Make sure all of your disabled characters have full internal worlds.

Poor sickly little Tiffany and the Red Right Hand

A big part of fictional ableism is that it separates the disabled into two categories. Anybody who’s used TVTropes would recognize the latter term I used here. But to keep it brief:

Poor, sickly little Tiffany is cute. Vulnerable. How her disability affects her life is that it constantly creates a pall of suffering that she lives beneath. After all, having a non-normative mind or body must be an endless cavalcade of suffering and tragedy, right? People who are disabled clearly spend their every waking moment affected by, and upset, that they aren’t normal!

The answer is... No, actually. Cut the sad violin; even people who have chronic pain who are literally experiencing pain a lot more than the rest of us are still fully capable of living complex lives and being happy. If nothing else, it would be literally boring to feel nothing but awful, and people with major depression or other problems still, also, have complicated experiences. And yes, some of it’s not great. You don’t have to present every disability as disingenuously a joy to have. But make a point that they own these things. It is a very different feeling to have a concerned father looking through the window at his angel-faced daughter rocking sadly in her wheelchair while she stares longingly out the window, compared to a character waking up at midnight because they have to go do something and frustratedly hauling their body out of their bed into their chair to get going.

Poor Sickly Little Tiffany (PSLT, if you will) virtually always are young, and they virtually always are bound to the problems listed under ‘failing the heartwarming dog’ test. Yes, disabled kids exist, but the point I’m making here is that in the duality of the most widely accepted disabled characters, PSLT embodies the nadir of the Victim, who is so pure, so saintly, so gracious, that it can only be a cruel quirk of fate that she’s suffering. After all, it’s not as if disabled people have the same dignity that any neurotypical and able-bodied person has, where they can be an asshole and still expect other people to not seriously attack their quality of life- it’s a “service” for the neurotypical and able-bodied to “humor” them.

(this is a bad way to think. Either human lives matter or they don’t. There is no “wretched half-experience” here- if you wouldn’t bodily grab and yank around a person standing on their own feet, you have no business grabbing another person’s wheelchair)

On the opposite end- and relevant to your question- is the Red Right Hand. The Red Right Hand does not have PSLT’s innocence or “purity”- is the opposite extreme. The Red Right Hand is virtually always visually deformed, and framed as threatening for their visual deformity. To pick on a movie I like a fair amount, think about how in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the title character is described- “Strong. Fast. Had a metal arm.” That’s a subtle example, but, think about how that metal arm is menacing. Sure, it’s a high tech weapon in a superhero genre- but who has the metal arm? The Winter Soldier, who is, while a tormented figure that ultimately becomes more heroic- scary. Aggressive. Out for blood.

The man who walks at midnight with a Red Right Hand is a signal to us that his character is foul because of the twisting of his body. A good person, we are led to believe, would not be so- or a good person would be ashamed of their deformity and work to hide it. The Red Right Hand is not merely “an evil disabled person”- they are a disabled person whose disability is depicted as symptomatic of their evil, twisted nature, and when you pair this trope with PSLT, it sends a message: “stay in your place, disabled people. Be sad, be consumable, and let us push you around and decide what to do with you. If you get uppity, if you have ideas, if you stand up to us, then the thing that made you a helpless little victim will suddenly make you a horrible monster, and justify us handling you with inhumanity.”

As someone who is a BIG fan of eldritch horror and many forms of unsettling “wrongness” it is extremely important to watch out for the Red Right Hand. Be careful how you talk about Villainous Disability- there is no connection between disability and morality. People will be good, bad, or simply just people entirely separate from their status of ability or disability. It’s just as ableist to depict every disabled person as an innocent good soul as it is to exclusively deal in grim and ghastly monsters.

Don’t justify disabilities and don’t destroy them.

Superpowers are cool. Characters can and IMO should have superpowers, as long as you’re writing a genre when they’re there.

BUT.

It’s important to remember that there is no justification for disabilities, because they don’t need one. Disability is simply a feature characters have. You do not need to go “they’re blind, BUT they can see the future”

This is admittedly shaky, and people can argue either way; the Blind Seer is a very pronounced mythological figure and an interesting philosophical point about what truly matters in the world. There’s a reason it exists as a conceit. But if every blind character is blind in a way that completely negates that disability or makes it meaningless- this sucks. People have been blind since the dawn of time. And people will always accommodate their disabilities in different ways. Even if the technology exists to fix some forms of blindness, there are people who will have “fixable” blindness and refuse to treat it. There will be individuals born blind who have no meaningful desire to modify this. And there are some people whose condition will be inoperable even if it “shouldn’t” be.

You don’t need to make your disabled characters excessively cool, or give them a means by which the audience can totally forget they’re disabled. Again, this is a place where strong worldbuilding is your buddy- a handwave of “x technology fixed all disabilities”, in my opinion, will never come off good. If, instead, however, you throw out a careless detail that the cool girl the main character is chatting up in a cyberpunk bar has an obvious spinal modification, and feature other characters with prosthetics and without- I will like your work a lot, actually. Even if you’re handing out a fictional “cure”- show the seams. Make it have drawbacks and pros and cons. A great example of this is in the series Full Metal Alchemist- the main character has two prosthetic limbs, and not only do these limbs come with problems, some mundane (he has phantom limb pains, and has to deal with outgrowing his prostheses or damaging them in combat) some more fantastical (these artificial limbs are connected to his nerves to function fluidly- which means that they get surgically installed with no anesthesia and hurt like fuck plugging in- and they require master engineering to stay in shape). We explicitly see a scene of the experts responsible for said limbs talking to a man who uses an ordinary prosthetic leg, despite the advantages of an automail limb, because these drawbacks are daunting to him and he is happier with a simple prosthetic leg.

Even in mundane accommodations you didn’t make up- no two wheelchair users use their chair the exact same way, and there’s a huge diversity of chairs. Someone might be legally blind but still navigate confidently on their own; they might use a guide dog, or they might use a cane. They might even change their needs from situation to situation!

Disability accommodations are part of life

This ties in heavily to the previous point, but seriously! Don’t just look up one model of cane and superimpose it with no modifications onto your character- think about what their lifestyle is, and what kind of person they are!

Also medication is not the devil. Yes, medical abuse is real and tragic and the medication is not magic fairy dust that solves all problems either. But also, it’s straight ableism to act like anybody needing pills for any reason is a scary edgy plot twist.

(and addiction is a disease. Please be careful, and moreover be compassionate, if you’re writing a character who’s an addict)

3. Be mindful of cast composition

This, to me, is a big tip about disability writing and it’s also super easy to implement!

Just make sure your cast has a lot of meaningful disabled characters in it!

Have you done all the work you can to try and dodge the Red Right Hand but you’re still worried your disabled villain is a bad look? They sure won’t look like a commentary on disability if three other people in the cast are disabled and don’t have the same outlook or role! Worried that you’re PSLT-ing your main character’s disabled child? Maybe the disability is hereditary and they got it from the main character!

The more disabled characters you have, the more it will challenge you to think about what their individual relationship is with the world and the less you’ll rely on hackneyed tropes. At least, ideally.

Ultimately, there’s no perfect silver bullet of diversity writing that will prevent a work from EVER being ableist, but I hope this helped, at least!

#disability #writing ruminations #readmore

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baezdylan · 2 years

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Okay but you asked for it

Gonna go on a rant about how I relate to the different Pevensie siblings now.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I relate to all of them in different ways. My main ones are obviously Edmund and Lucy. I'm most passionate about my similarities with Edmund because I see all of my insecurities in him. I call it adhd-coded middle child syndrome lol. My family is far too mixed and blended for me to have a clear "role", but through Narnia I've finally decided that in the dynamic I am a middle child, even if it doesn't really apply (I mean it kinda does but it doesn't at the same time. This is what happens when your parents divorce and both remarry and also your dad had a kid from a previous relationship).

I grew up with a Peter too! (Although mine isn't as good of a person). I'm right in the process of trying to get my adhd diagnosis, but I didn't even realize that's what I probably had until about a year and a half ago, so all my life I've really struggled with school and life just because my brain works differently than most people. And when I already felt stupid and lazy it didn't exactly help to grow up next to my stupid perfect brother who seemed to have such an easy time with everything I struggled with.

Also, my mom and I were discussing yesterday about a phase I had when I was nine where I absolutely HATED a particular singer (Swedish, you won't know who he is). I hated him so much. I definitely had my reasons that I won't get into, but the absolute level of passion in my hatred seemed to come a little out of nowhere. My mom said something that upon reflection I totally agreed with, which was that it seemed like I was just trying out hating something. That was very accurate, I remember clearly that my hatred of this guy was largely performative, and it immediately reminded me of Edmund in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, when he, like we discussed, is basically just trying out being mean. Now, Edmund's phase is a little more extreme, but like, his dad was literally out fighting in a war so it's understandable. That didn't happen to me. (Thank God! Although that would be extremely out of character for my dad. He actually sat in prison for a total of about 7 months when he was young for refusing to do his required military training. This was back when all boys in the country were required to do it at 18. This is one of the coolest things about my dad, and it's not the first time I've bragged about it.)

The thing with Edmund that gets me the most though, which is a consequence of middle child syndrome and adhd, is this intense desire to be seen and understood. (Which is probably why I'm writing this ask in the first place. Ha! If I psychoanalyse myself first no one else can call me out on it!). And this is why he wants to be great, too! He wants to prove himself, and if he gets to stand in the spotlight more people will notice him, and surely some of them will then understand him.

My similarities to Lucy, though, are a lot more obvious, since that's mostly that we actually share character traits. I've always had a very similar "nice and sweet" persona in that sense. Also just the entire True Believer thing she has going on is very me. Like, I believe in magic! I always have. Maybe I'll never find a place like Narnia, but I still believe magic exists. I think Lucy and I share the same life philosophies.

Susan is definitely the one I relate to the least, but we share one very important thing. I'm the Mom Friend™. I've always liked taking care of people. That kinds slots me into the same role as the eldest sister lol.

Now, Peter's a complicated one...

I've always had a love-hate relationship with him, and both sides are very intense. I used to think that I hate him so much because I see him mostly from Edmund's perspective, which is very much true, but I realized recently that while I see my insecurities in Edmund, I see a lot of my flaws in Peter.

So yeah, that's also why I hate him. It's just that particular brand of stubbornness and pride that he has... It's too familiar lol.

Oh my God, It's fucking hilarious how disproportionately I talked about the different siblings. Holy shit.

I adore you for sharing this with me, it was so... comforting???? comforting. to read through because understanding fictional characters has always been the most reliable way of figuring myself out to me (And mostly it's the characters that I can see, aka the ones that come from TV and film, I think I tend to be a lot more subjective as a reader? I don't interpret flaws as flaws sometimes. That's the main reason why I'm such a TV geek, not everything is up to my own mind that way and there are many things keeping me grounded while watching.) Ok, crazy thought, but even tho we're like opposites when it comes to more concrete stuff, I still feel like our way of thinking is pretty similar? We'll notice and feel connected to different things but we'll work through them similarly? ANYWAYS! I noticed the same thing when it comes to fiction and relatable fictional characters, when you relate to a character's wants, wishes, ambitions and insecurities, you tend to love them (for me those characters are Lisa Cuddy, Rory Gilmore and Dan Humphrey) while flaws are a lot trickier to handle. I LOVED Peter but it was mostly due to me... just not seeing an issue with being stubborn and full of pride. Pride & Prejudice actually opened my eyes on that and it's precisely why it's such a precious book to me, instead of worshipping Darcy I loathed him at first and then it hit me! I didn't like him because his flaws were my flaws. (I always thought this was because of Austen's writing style, she's fairly objective, which I'm naturally a big fan of, with the only exception being characters named Jane but I'll forgive her for that😂) What's the worst is when you have a character like Jo March or Greg House for me, who are both your virtues and your vices so you kind of find it hard to navigate between what to dislike and what to like about them (And most times, I discover my flaws through them??? I do share flaws with Dan, Rory and Lisa too, but those are flaws I was aware of before seeing those shows and the fact that I share flaws with them is more comforting than revealing. + I don't share all of their flaws so there's room for simply loving a character for who they are without any personal involvement.) As a result, they mostly make you uncomfortable. But this is why fiction is so important, you know? It can help you grow and learn. I'd be absolutely insufferable without it.

YOUR DAD IS MY HERO FROM NOW ON OK? That is such a cool story!!!!!!

All of this was incredibly nice to read, thank you for sending this ask.☀️🧡❤

#mal the writer wizard #❤❤❤❤❤❤#💌restless wind inside a letter box💌#mal the writer wizard 💜💫📝

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thatpallllll · 2 years

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Listening to and watching a lot of stuff on adhd tonight because I am actively trying to get better and it feels like everything that helps with adhd helps me. And everything feels relatable and I am going back through my life and remembering so many instances of things happening that were described by other people as me being weird or lazy or not trying hard enough and realizing that if I am diagnosed it wasn’t any of that, it was just symptoms of adhd.

And some of it is stuff that isn’t y’know super obvious, and sometimes it was just passed off as a kid being a kid. Like getting so excited as a kid that I would forget to eat or drink anything or not use the bathroom so I could keep doing the thing. Or how I was so impulsive that I would do random things like pouring out shampoo to draw designs in cause I got bored in the bathroom. Or nearly running into so many people because I would get so interested in books that I would read them no matter what I was doing, even walking between classes and while eating. I also can’t tell you how many times I have asked for directions for simple tasks repeated or forgotten simple things, or on the other hand big things and only remembered in a rush last minute because of a last minute reminder email.

A line stuck out to me in a video that I was watching. Someone said, “When I say “I forgot”, I’m not lazy. I’m not just trying to make an excuse, it’s a real struggle.” And honestly, it felt like at that moment something clicked. Because for a long time, I have wondered why I had all of these symptoms that were strongly related to and very very possibly adhd or something like it, but I never noticed.

And to be honest, I feel like it’s because growing up I wasn’t taught that they were symptoms or that there may be something going on. I was taught that they were bad behaviors, or something to be punished for. When I told my parents I forgot, I was told I was lying. When I insisted I wasn’t and that I had honestly forgotten I was told once again to stop lying and making excuses.

When my middle school english teacher pulled me aside for “an intervention” because I was “too smart” to be forgetting my work like I was or to be as disorganized as I was. And after she had made me dump out my entire backpack and let her go through it and re-organize it how she saw fit. Then she still had multiple more “interventions” that year to pull me aside and call me lazy and tell me to just try harder and stop making excuses. When I got excited and played sports in gym class like the guys did (partially because I felt like one but also), because physically moving and wrestling and being energetic physically felt amazing and like my brain was calm. I was told by my gym coach to calm down and to act like a girl instead of a boy.

I stopped reading in school because I had a consistent amount of teachers who made fun of me for constantly having books out or on my desk, and who constantly made me feel bad for reading things that were interesting to me instead of reading things that were assigned. I stopped having faith in myself in math classes because I was told that if I couldn’t do the problem the way I had been taught and explain it the way I had been taught to then I was just as wrong as if I had gotten the wrong answer. I stopped being proud of or attempting to write because I was told that while I had written great papers that had the content requirements, because I couldn’t write them in exact styles listed or because I couldn’t use exact templates that I was stupid and not trying hard enough.

The best math and English classes I have ever had have been with teachers who allowed me to do the work and find the answers my way and have encouraged me. But I have had way more teachers that got frustrated, yelled and called me stupid or something akin to it, and after that I never felt comfortable going to them again. In my personal and social life I have very often been told I am too much. I talk too much, I’m too loud, I talk too fast, I’m too impulsive, I’m too emotional. I talk over people, I talk about things no one cares about, I talk too much about myself. I talk to much about certain subjects and if I don’t have a degree in it or if I’m not an expert I shouldn’t talk about that subject at all because if I do someone else will always know more than me.

And because of all of these things and so many more that I haven’t even began to process yet, I censor myself so fucking much. I struggle so much with imposter syndrome and I struggle so much with 1) having the confidence in myself to begin a project and 2) remembering and having consistent enough motivation to keep doing that project until the end that sometimes I feel utterly fucking worthless and like I am never going to do anything. Honestly, sometimes it feels like it’s to the point where I can’t even tell what I’m feeling or if someone asks me what I like I give a generic answer instead of something I really like.

For so long I have had existing as myself disciplined out of me, that sometimes I don’t feel like I know who I am. Or, I do, but I just see myself as someone who needs fixing or who should feel guilty for doing things that help my brain. And I’m so sick and tired of it.

But I think the first part of healing is recognizing that I don’t need to feel guilty or bad and that I can exist as I am, and while I may need treatment or to do things differently, knowing that nothing I am doing is some inherent moral failing or just me “not trying hard enough”. I think it will get better. But part of that is internalizing the fact that when I say I forgot, or when I experience anything that I do, there is a high likelihood that it’s not just me being lazy or not trying hard enough. But that it’s just the way my brain works.

#possiblyadhd #adhd #undiagnosed adhd #stim #reading #math #english #screamingintothevoid

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hiccanna-tidbits · 3 years

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Autistic Hiccup x ADHD Anna Headcanons

SO I’ve been really into the whole Autistic x ADHD ship dynamic and Hiccanna...highkey fits??? Like y’all know I will die on my “Anna has ADHD” hill, but after reading this post by @hobie-brown I’m like wait, the autistic Hiccup headcanon is wonderful too??? And blends SO WELL with ADHD Anna??? And I absolutely HAD to explore it more so BOOM headcanon time! Another special thanks to @hobie-brown for writing the super lovely autistic Hiccup headcanon masterpost that inspired me to do this!

Disclaimer: I myself am not on the spectrum (part of the reason I’ve always felt a little weird about definitively HCing characters as autistic unless I see actual autistic people HC them that way too), so most of the stuff here is stuff I know secondhand from my autistic friends! I do have ADHD, so I can always promise that ADHD Anna will be 100% authentic XD

~Anna absolutely gets into Hiccup’s special interests to try and impress him. The most obvious one being, of course, dragons, but also dinosaurs (extinct dragons), lizards (tiny dragons), and Dungeons and Dragons (An RPG game that does, in fact, include dragons). Hiccup absolutely had that dragonology book as a kid and got obsessed with it beyond all reasonability. Hilariously, Anna’s wooing strategy of indulging his special interests works like a charm--mainly because a) he’s pretty flattered that someone takes THAT much of an interest in what he likes and b) half the time, ANNA finds that she genuinely gets into whatever said special interest is and finds them easy to hyperfixate on. It helps that the more she obsesses over it herself, the more she has to talk to Hiccup about XD

~Specifically, Anna definitely joins a DnD campaign at some point so that Hiccup will think she’s a “cool gamer girl”--and then gets unironically obsessed with it and starts writing 10-page backstories for all of her characters. She later tells Hiccup it started out as a ruse to win his heart via nerdiness, and he absolutely loses his shit laughing.

~One of their overlapping special interests/hyperfixations is high fantasy. Hiccup is, unsurprisingly, all about the mythical creatures while Anna is more into the magic and the zesty political drama, but you dun best believe they catch every CGI-ridden fantasy movie that ever comes out. They’ve both spent a literal fortune on fantasy movie tickets, even moreso on watching them in 3D or Imax. How embarrassing for both of them.

~Another less-obvious overlapping interest is history. Hiccup gets into it while looking into the cultural mythos of dragons (he’s pretty fascinated by the fact that so many cultures around the world thought up similar creatures independently), while Anna gets into it because she grew up cooped up bored and lonely in a big house, and entertained herself by looking into the history behind some of the family paintings. They don’t seem it at first, but they’re actually both huge medieval and ancient civilization history buffs.

~Hiccup is THE most touch-repulsed person you will ever meet. This is unfortunate, as he is also SUPER touch-starved and absolutely does not realize it (I mean, I’ve never gotten the vibe Stoic was the super huggy type, considering his and Hicc’s relationship in HTTYD 1). This means he has absolutely no fucking clue what to make of Anna when they first meet meet. Anna’s the sort of person to give physical affection pretty freely, especially if she likes you--usually in the form of hugs, arm pats or playful swats, putting her elbow on your shoulder, etc etc. Hiccup is kinda just like “this is way too much touching but like??? I kinda like having her this close to me??? What do???”

~Anna, meanwhile, notices that Hiccup kinda stiffens up whenever she touches him and seems to not be crazy about it and she’s just immediately like “yo what’s wrong???” And as SOON as he admits he’s not all that crazy about being touched randomly she’s like “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY” and never touches him without asking again.

~As soon as she finds out touch a kind of A Whole Thing for him, Anna is like...AGGRESSIVELY respectful of Hiccup’s boundaries when it comes to physical affection. Almost annoyingly so. She gets in the habit of basically never initiating any kind of physical touch without asking first--even long after they’ve started dating, and he’s told her it’s okay to initiate touching as long as she’s not smothery about it. She still refuses out of principle.

~They come up with a kind of “consent language” so Anna can pretty quickly determine when it’s all right to touch Hiccup--because Anna still really likes being physically affectionate with him, and he does actually like receiving physical affection a lot of the time (because, again, touch-starved), he’s just choosy about who does it. They work out a system based off of small, light touches that Hiccup doesn’t mind where it’s basically 2 taps on his shoulder for “can I hug you around the neck,” 2 taps on his side for “can I hug you around the waist,” 2 taps on his arm for “can I grab/lightly slap/punch your arm,” and 1 tap on is shoulder for “can I put my arm/elbow on your shoulder.” If he’s cool with it he’ll either nod or just say “yeah go ahead.” It works a lot quicker than asking “can I do such-and-such specific touch” every single time, and allows Anna to keep some of her spontaneity. They develop this during their friendship and it ends up rolling over into their relationship, even after Hiccup has basically told her she doesn’t need to ask permission for a lot of these anymore. She adds a new one after they start dating--she taps him a couple times wherever she wants to kiss him to ask if it’s cool to give him a smooch! It usually is.

~INFODUMPING. Literally SO. MUCH. INFODUMPING. Hiccup absolutely WILL NOT SHUT UP when he gets to talking about one of his special interests. Anna just will not shut up in general, but when the topic changes to one of her hyperfixations, it’s even worse. If you try to have a conversation with these two while they’re infodumping, you WILL get talked over. Honestly, left to their own devices, they could probably infodump to each other for literal days on end.

~Despite how much they both like to infodump, they’re both pretty good about being patient and indulging the other when it’s their partner’s turn to infodump in the conversation XD They are, however, notorious about accidentally triggering a barely-related infodump in the other person. It’s not uncommon for one of them to finish a rant and then the other goes “OH THAT REMINDS ME” and sets off on a completely different, barely-related rant.

~Hiccup actually really appreciates how overexpressive--and occasionally overdramatic--Anna tends to be. He never has to try and figure out what she’s thinking because she just says everything in her brain, and her body language basically always matches how she’s feeling to a ridiculous extent, so he never has to give himself a headache trying to read her. The fact that she’s the opposite of subtle and has no filter whatsoever works great for him, because he doesn’t have to drive himself insane trying to understand her. He gets her better than he gets most people because she’s an open goddamn book. The boy’s never been the best with social cues at all, never mind the nuanced, obscure ones, so Anna’s general straightforwardness and utter inability to hide her true feelings at literally any time is a breath of fresh air. What you see is basically what you get, and Hiccup wouldn’t have it any other way.

~People think when Anna and Hiccup start dating it’s gonna be a disaster, mainly because he’s so blunt and she can be...”oversensitive” (i.e. has a REALLY bad case of RSD). Turns out they’re dead wrong--because Hiccup has RSD too! (I mean, come ON--look how BADLY he wants to get his village’s approval! And how hard he takes it when his dad or someone else is mad at him--even if he tries to hide it with snark) He’s actually one of the few people who can be blunt enough with Anna that she realizes when she’s being a dumbass but tactful enough not to hurt her feelings or set off her RSD--because god, has he been there. When Anna is being especially difficult and has worked herself into a real bad funk, Hiccup (and sometimes Elsa) is the only people who can talk to her and get through to her without getting blown up at.

~They stim in similar ways!!! They both tend to fidget or kinda bounce up in down in place as a way to comfort themselves and calm themselves down (I see them both having a lot of anxiety and generally being kind of paranoid, although Anna is MUCH better at hiding this via putting on a cheerful face). They both do the leg bounce!!! Also if they get SUPER excited they’ll do a little awkward happy dance!!! They both also tend to stim by rubbing things in small, repetitive motions--with Hiccup, it’s usually his sketching pens, his ear, his head, or the back of his neck, while with Anna, it’s usually her other hand, her arm, her clothes, or really anything with kind of a comforting, consistent texture (some favorites are rubber, felt, and velvet). After they start dating, they actually will stim with each other’s hands while holding hands--usually by squeezing the other person’s hand in kind of a repetitive pattern or doing the thumb-rub thing on the back of the other person’s hand. It’s not uncommon for them to each be doing something completely unrelated while holding hands and just stimming on each other’s hands the entire time. Anna especially really loves when she feels Hiccup stimming on her, because it’s her little indicator that he’s happy and feels at peace and content in her presence and she LOVES being able to do that for him!

~They both stim by playing with hair too! Anna likes to play with her own to stim--mainly by figeting with the end of her braids or tucking hair behind her ear. She DOES love to ruffle Hiccup’s hair too (and she LOVES how fluffy it is!), but it’s usually not a stim thing. After they start dating, Anna does occasionally stim by massaging Hiccup’s hair/scalp, but she doesn’t usually do it for very long. Hiccup really loves braiding Anna’s hair, or just playing with it when it’s down. it helps him relax and clear his mind to have something fairly repetitive and/or mindless to do.

~Even after gaining some confidence, Hiccup still has a fair bit of social anxiety, so he and Anna basically always go to parties and social events together and stick with each other the whole time to make it less intimidating for him. Hiccup generally prefers to let Anna do the talking when they chat with people, and sometimes if he’s REALLY nervous he’ll sometimes even let her kinda talk for him (not in a condescending “speaking over” kinda way, but more in like a “I can sense you’re not comfortable speaking here so I’ll help you out as best I can” kinda way). She always makes sure to leave space in the conversation for him to take over talking if he wants. She’s also incredibly prone to bragging about his accomplishments to basically everyone they know. Hiccup is both embarrassed and flattered by this.

~When Anna finds out about meltdowns (probably through Hiccup mentioning it kind of offhandedly--“Eh, sorry I went AWOL last night, I was having a bit of a meltdown. Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now.”) she lowkey gets super anxious and frustrated because she REALLY wants to help, but has no idea how. Cue literal HOURS of research on the internet and AGGRESSIVE memorizing of any and all tips that she reads that she thinks would help. Which, of course, means several MORE hours spent going over flashcards like she’s studying for a goddamn test, because Anna has never been known for her sharp, expansive memory.

~The first time Hiccup ever has a meltdown in front of her (maybe after a really bad phone fight with his dad or something? Just general sensory overload?), she takes him to a secluded room and IMMEDIATELY gets rid of anything that could be agitating sensory-wise. She dims the lights! She closes the blinds! She throws a nearby clock, an alarm, a timer, and several other objects with only the slightest potential of making an annoying noise out of a nearby window in a fit of passion! She goes on a frenzied quest to find Hiccup’s noise-cancelling headphones--and finishes it in record time! Even in a state of emotional turmoil, Hiccup realizes that Anna’s being just a little too methodical in how she goes about all this--these are the kind of things that wouldn’t ever occur naturally to her to do. So as soon as he calms down a bit and has screamed into a pillow for a while, he’s like “...did you go on the internet to look up how to help with meltdowns?” and Anna’s like “...yes?” And Hiccup is lowkey so touched he starts crying all over again...and then, naturally, makes a long string of snarky comments to try and distract from it XD

~For their anniversary Anna saves up a bunch and buys Hiccup a lizard and a terrarium!!! She gets him a crocodile skink because, I quote, “Well, they always look annoyed, they’re kinda shy, they don’t like to be touched, and they look like tiny dragons, so they reminded me of you!!!” Hiccup screams like a goddamn fangirl, he’s SO excited. As luck would have it, Hiccup’s crocodile skink is a lot less skittish and prone to hiding than they usually are, and he actually lets Hiccup pick him up and pet him without much issue. Which is honestly great, because repeatedly touching something smooth and even like lizard scales helps calm Hiccup down when he’s agitated and helps with some of his sensory issues.

~Probably goes without saying, but Hiccup basically NEVER genuinely gives Anna a hard time about her memory problems or how she’s not always the quickest on the uptake, and if anyone tries to call her annoying, dumb, or immature he will absolutely roast them into oblivion. He does sometimes like...lightly tease her about jumping into things without thinking or never shutting up, but he never pushes it if he can tell she’s genuinely bothered by it (and, again, Anna is very easy to read, so it’s not hard to tell XD)

~I’ve seen other people in the fandom HC either Hiccup, Anna, or both of them as BOTH autistic and ADHD, and honestly...fuck yes!!! I’m down for this too! I love the idea of these two disaster ND kids just vibing with each other on so many damn levels that it’s like...incomprehensible to the average human XD Like man, they fuckin GET each other!!! I’m pretty happy with most combinations of ADHD + Autistic headcanons for Anna and Hiccup, so long as they end up vibing!!!

~THEY JUST. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. SO MUCH. THEY LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR EACH OTHER. I AM SURE OF IT. I’M CRYING.

#hiccanna #hiccup x anna #anna x hiccup #hiccup #anna #hiccupxanna #annaxhiccup #autistic hiccup #adhd anna #headcanons #hcs #httyd #frozen #crossover #rotbtd #rotbtfd #hiccup haddock #princess anna

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dilfbatman · 4 years

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Hello there! I'm the anon with the Percy being Patrochilles' love child ask. Can I ask for some headcanons of modern!patrochilles adopting Percy?

OMG HELLO MODERN!PATROCHILLES PERCY LOVE CHILD ANON who simply put that thought into my brain and is also legendary....... lemme whip something up for you :’) so in this au i’ll do it as modern!patrochilles legit adopt percy as their lovechild bc this is an au and i can do what i want LMFAO (it feels so weird not having sally in here but i will add her somehow regardless bc she’s the QUEEN) hope you enjoy friend!!!

—

- patroclus & achilles see percy and see his wide bright sea-green eyes looking up at them and they mirror achilles’ spearmint green eyes and reminds achilles of patroclus’ skops nickname, and percy’s hair is dark like patroclus’ and is tan like him too and he has a giggle that is like a melody and both of them think. okay he is ours and then they get told that his name is “perseus” aka the only demigod that lived a long & safe life and they have a sense of relief and think. wow he really is ours

- on the ride home percy is a little quiet but he has a sense of happiness and can’t really put it into words, and patroclus holds percy’s tiny little hand and tells him that they’re all gonna be a family and tells him how lucky he & achilles feel that they have a beautiful joy in their life and perseus smiles and achilles is driving and trying not to cry bc he can see how beautiful a son perseus is going to be and how beautiful a dad patroclus already is

- now. patroclus would be the kind, soft, warm, empathetic, semi-strict parent who always gives the best advice, wants there to be a two way street of trust, honesty, and respect and he is such a soft dad and achilles would be the fun, wild card, dorky dad who protects his child with a fervor and relates to perseus & is very loving just like patroclus and is Iike the best friend dad, and the entire time they’re both so loving to percy & sometimes patroclus is rolling his eyes playfully and is like “i’m raising TWO kids” after perseus & achilles have blue paint on themselves after making an art project for patroclus that he looks at & admires and tears up at while putting it on the wall :’)

- percy calls them lily & pat sometimes and they call him perse, perseus, and cici <3

- they all like to celebrate the holidays and they give each other valentine’s day cards and patrochilles put a stuffed animal, his favorite candy, and some lil extra presents on percy’s bed after he comes from school. on halloween they dress percy up like a lil guppy and pat has his pumpkin costume and achilles w his greek god costume & they all go trick or treating and both percy & achilles ask for candy while pat is just chastising achilles and telling him “you better share w perseus” hehe and on christmas it’s filled w love, laughter, cheer, & tons of presents on all sides :’) percy gives them homemade drawings and the sweetest cards and patrochilles give him a photo framed of all three of them + their golden retriever puppy chiron, a polaroid, and a certificate saying that they adopted a baby seal in perseus’ name <3

- they keep every little card that they give each other and they have scrapbooks and albums and they want to carry these memories forever :’) and omg when it’s percy’s bday it is simply WILD! fast forward a couple years later it’s so much fun and they eat cake and have a great summer picnic outside w all of percy’s friends and yes everyone is checking achilles & patroclus out bc they’re valid and they all have such a grand ol’ time :’) annabeth, jason, frank, hazel, and will talk to patroclus a lot and piper, leo, nico, reyna, and thalia talk to achilles a lot and they all intermingle and percy is just so happy that everyone is getting along and they all tell him that his dads are the coolest and so kind and funny and he feels a rush of pride

- also patrochilles are DILFs. no i will not elaborate and i will not allow someone to disagree with me. they’re DILFs and it’s time to accept it and honor it (achilles a proud DILF, patroclus rolling his eyes while blushing when he gets called that)

- fast forward to many years later and perseus has went through his awkward pre-teen years in which he talked to patroclus all about it bc he could relate and achilles was there to provide moral support bc even if he didn’t go through it he wants his son to know that everything he felt was valid and completely normal! now that percy has grown into his own he still knows that he can talk to them about his feelings but he also has a feeling of confidence in him

- i also think that every demigod has adhd so achilles can relate to perseus on that and patroclus helps perseus w his dyslexia and will stay up into the late hours of the night helping him with homework while achilles cuts up some fruit & figs for them to eat and he gives them both kisses and moral support and many needed breaks & snacks

- also fun fact a book percy has to read is by the infamous sally jackson who is literally patroclus’ favorite writer of ALL time and he’s so hype and he has written sally multiple times and is in correspondence with her and one time he was like “you should come by” and sally says “ofc!” and she ends up doing just that, she comes by their apartment and pat is Shook and mixing up his words and all that can come out is “i Love book” and achilles has to translate everything he says and perseus tells her how much he admires her writing and how the hell did she come up w the idea of gods & demigods and how did she have prose so beautiful while speaking of them? and sally just winks and percy smiles and feels like he understands :’) towards the end sally leaves and made sure to sign all of pat’s books and gives them a bust of poseidon who is her favorite god & he nearly passes out and she gives perseus a trident necklace that he will wear forever bc he knows it means something to her and for some reason, it means something to him too

- and LISTEN! perseus has grown into his own and is absolutely beautiful! he has bright green eyes and a lil eyebrow slit that he accidentally got while playing in the park in which patrochilles were so afraid but kept it together after patroclus patched him up, he is tan & tall w jet black hair with a deep & melodic voice, and he has the empathy, kindness, leadership, strength, wisdom, and badassery that was innate/instilled in him by his wonderful parents. patroclus the entire time is like damn those demigod genes!!!! making my baby boy look like a model just like his father smh what about me!!!! and achilles is like babe you’re gorgeous and perseus is like yeah dad you’re great

- and achilles and patroclus do a double take bc the entire time leading up to this percy never really called them dad he just called them nicknames or petnames and all of sudden the dam breaks and everyone is crying and hugging and achilles and patroclus both give percy the biggest kiss on either side of his cheek and percy’s face is being Squished but he doesn’t mind bc he can feel their love :’)

- and lemme tell y’all something achilles had a feeling his baby boy was a demigod after seeing all those monsters and creatures and patroclus could always see through the mist and growing up they wanted him to have a normal life, but achilles wanted percy to be able to protect himself so he taught percy how to fight & patroclus taught him stuff that he learned from medical school and how to patch himself/others up & percy is very well versed in all aspects and is very grateful for this

- percy is a troublemaker and sarcastic little shit who loves to curse and he really gets that from achilles & he is also sensitive, warm, empathetic and in touch with his emotions and he gets that from patroclus and he is the true lovechild of both of those dorks

- basically listen i could talk about them for hours and i can make so many of these but i know how long imma end up making this so lemme just say this: i love modern!patrochilles they’d be the best dads and i love perseus and they’re just a big happy family bc they DESERVE it <3 and maybe YOU know something that they don’t about sally ;) i didn’t know how i’d go about writing this but i hope you liked it! lemme know! <3 and so sorry this is all over the place hehe i know it’s scattered and long but i hope you like it! :’)

#percy jackson #the song of achilles #tsoa #pjo #percy jackson headcanons #the song of achilles headcanons #patrochilles #modern!patrochilles #HEHE THANK YOU ANON FOR MAKING PERCY THE LOVECHILD OF PATROCHILLES HEHE #HOPE YOU ENJOY!!!!#love you #asks #patrochilles!lovechild anon #patrochilles!lovechild

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news4bees · 3 years

Text

Things I do to make my ADD/ADHD slightly more manageable.

Full disclosure: everyone is different and non-neurotypical behaviors are not a copy-paste situation. What works for me might put others in the exact opposite head space and that’s okay. I just wanted to share what I’ve learned works for me over the years. I’ve been really struggling with my ADD/ADHD lately and I need to remind myself of the healthy coping mechanisms I’ve developed so I can implement them again.

1. Have a morning routine.

Working from home as a freelance editor / publishing consultant, I have a lot of autonomy over my day. Which is great… if I make the most of it. I learned a long time ago that I am most productive in the morning, so it’s important for me to get myself into the right head space as soon as possible. I set an alarm to get out of bed at 7:00am every day, I try and go on a walk around the neighborhood first thing (weather permitting—we don’t mess around with rain or snow), I eat breakfast (usually including either coffee or tea for caffeine purposes and warmth) and take my supplements, and prep for my day. It sounds super simple, but it’s really all about inertia. A body at rest will want to stay at rest. I’ve had just as many days where everything goes according to plan and I’m able to have a productive day as days where I don’t get out of bed until I have to drag myself to my service job in the afternoon. So having that morning routine and sticking to it can honestly be a night and day difference for me.

2. Make a schedule for my day.

I have a terrible concept of time. I can look at a task, assume it’s going to take several hours, and abandon it before I even begin. Or I can see a gap of time in my day (such as the two hours between lunch and when I have to get ready for work) and be worried it’s too small of a window to accomplish anything so I lie around instead. By creating a schedule, literally an hour-by-hour layout of how I want my day to progress, I have a tactical roadmap for how to achieve my goals. I also make sure I schedule little breaks and time to eat, walk around, shower, etc. into my day so I don’t forget. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and I have to remind myself not to get upset if I end up deviating from the schedule for one thing or another. It’s mainly supposed to help me look at my day in a way that makes more sense to me and how my brain processes time. I fully understand that there are others that might see my hour-by-hour schedule and be completely overwhelmed—that’s fine! Find what works for you.

3. Set attainable little goals.

This one goes hand in hand with making myself a schedule. If I have a giant task I need to complete at a future date, I really struggle with conceptualizing it as something I need to get started on now. I see that future date, feel overwhelmed, try to calm myself down by thinking, “It’s okay, I have time,” and will sit on that task until the last minute when I have to scramble to get it done. It’s procrastination, yes, but it’s also not feeling too overwhelmed to act on something until there is that “go go go!” anxiety-inducing pressure to get it done. So I break it down into smaller pieces and set little goals. A 352 page manuscript I have to create an index for by March? Scary. But indexing one or two chapters a day? Much more doable. This also helps me accomplish non work-related tasks, such as calling the bank or scheduling appointments or canceling a subscription—things I would have trouble accomplishing on my own otherwise because my I have trouble differentiating between “important” and “immediate”. Goals don’t have to be solely task oriented either. Set a goal to reach out to a friend you haven’t connected with in a while; set a goal to meditate for fifteen minutes, or be intentional about doing something you love like reading or art or exercise. Personally, the more things I can check off my “to-do” list the better, so I write out everything I want to try and get done, even if I would have done it regardless.

4. Keep distractions out of reach.

This one is extremely tricky for me since I work exclusively out of my room since I moved back home. I’m always surrounded by distractions, from my phone to my bookshelves to the dozens of internet tabs I constantly have open on my laptop. I have little tricks I know work for me: keeping my phone on the charger in a different room (but close enough that I can still connect to the Bluetooth), leaving the book I’m currently reading and the journal where I write my fiction in my work bag downstairs, blocking YouTube and other distracting sites from my laptop, and making my bed each morning so I’m not tempted to crawl under the covers when I’m feeling burnt out. But knowing these things will help eliminate distractions and actually implementing these techniques are two very different things for me. As I write this, my phone is on the charger next to me, my fiction journal is within easy reach and I have corresponding document opened in another tab, none of my site-brokers are enabled, and my bed is a mess of cozy blankets—all major distractions for me that I’m blatantly ignoring. So what can I do about this? Set a new goal: move my phone and journal out of the room, close unnecessary tabs, re-engage the site blockers, and make my bed. Little things to reset my headspace and get back on track.

5. Have an accountability buddy.

While freelancing gives me a lot of personal freedoms, it also means I function as my own boss. Some people might enjoy such responsibility, but I personally really struggle when I’m not constantly checking in with someone and showing them my progress. An accountability buddy doesn’t need to function like a micro-managing boss, but they should be someone you can go to and say, “Here’s what I set out to do today and here’s what I accomplished.” Currently, I do not have a good accountability buddy (my ex was my accountability buddy when we were together during my last semester at college, but he often criticized me for only working in short sprints and needing to take a lot of breaks, so I’ve been really hesitant to trust another person in that role ever since), but my mom often lets me inform her about my goals and will share some of her’s in turn; my dad and sister on the other hand get uncharacteristically angry when I ask about goals, so I’ve learned to steer clear. Mirroring is also a common strategy for ADD/ADHDers. The visual stimulation of seeing someone else working can often be a bit of a jumpstart to my brain that says, “Okay, it’s time to do things.” In the old days, this meant I would spend hours in the library or at coffee shop doing my homework instead of my apartment because I was surrounded by others with similar tasks. Now, if I find myself needing a mirror I’ll move my operation to the kitchen table so that I’m closer to where my mom works and I can feed off her productive energy, so to speak.

6. Give myself grace.

Whenever I have an unproductive day, my first instinct is to be angry or upset at myself. What kind of person spends the entire day in bed and doesn’t get a single thing done? This would lead me down a self-deprecating path of calling myself useless and a garbage person, which is a big trigger for my depression and I can easily find myself spiraling. ADD/ADHD means my brain functions differently, but at the end of the day my brain still works. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid or lazy, and a bad day doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. My schedule and my list of goals are a template to help me focus, but if something happens that gets me off task, whether intentional or unintentional, I have to remind myself that it is not the end of the world. I have to give myself grace and forgiveness, because things happen.

I’d be really interested to hear what other strategies people have developed to manage their ADD/ADHD, especially in the midst of a pandemic that might have altered the way we approach our days. Keep being awesome!

#adhd brain #adhd things #adult adhd #coping mechanism

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adultingautistic · 4 years

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help? rambling! sorry for that thing.

(saw in the ask-section: so written today as of the 20th of August in the year 2020)

Hey,

No idea how to approach this. Though first things first: English is not my native language and I have some trouble with languages (even my native) [mostly speaking and writing… and understanding (the hearing part but sometime also the meaning part) – okay I just can’t language – sorry] and this thingy here will be long, again – sorry Though I learned to understand written english just so I could read more fanfictions (‘cause the ones in my native language didn’t satisfy me anymore) - spend a whole summer just reading stuff in english and now I *need* to read everything in english and watch things in their native production language (synchro is weird af) and if possible with subtitles (books: if it’s the authors native language; otherwise both languages (german and english) would be translated and then it doesn’t really matter, most of the time anyway)

WARNING: Messy, chaotic and about 2500 words long. Sorry. and it isn’t proof read and some sentences could be… not a sentence

I think I might be autistic / have adhd ? not sure, going to someone (professional) is not really an option as that would take at least 6 to 12 month to even get maybe a appointment… and it involves a lot of social interaction that would stress all people – even those that don’t have to think about *every* interaction they have with eachother… like no planning or thinking about what you have to say or can’t say and what’s appropriate? Like that is a thing – always wondered how most people got through life when everything is so damn hard. It is apparently a thing that isn’t so quite normal… lol*

Okay, most of the time (that I remember) wondered how that worked for everyone else except me – how they get through life thinking all those things, or well… don’t thinking all those things like HOW?!? Why can you “people”? and I learned it’s important if you’re a girl or not; so yeah, girl here. Followed adhd / autism stuff for a few month / weeks and now again for the last days (it’s an on and off thing). so yeah, I can relate to so much on like everything. Long time I thought, nah, can’t have it: good in school (more so when I was younger but never actually bad), finished school good (though could have been better, if I had studied once (like for my oral exam, I opened the document that should help us learn one whole time, the morning of the exam so yeah, not good at that; brain just goes, heard it once, why should I read this information? Can’t really recall it but while reading I “know” it, so WhAt Is STuDyInG?)) anyway (at this point I would have deleted about everything but like 3 or 4 sentences because… rambling. Sorry, but I think it is important what’s actually going on in my brain; I know it’s hard to read lol) considering all those things I read here (and on other blogs and stuff), I would explain so much about what’s going on in my life (I made a document where I collect all that stuff but it’s redundant sometimes and really messy; try to make a short list with most important things).

Like as a kid, it took me longer than other kids for this social stuff (not like it got “everything”, just enough to communicate more or less lol) or I was so freaking focused on rules; one example is at the train station, there is this line to indicate where you should wait for the train and the other side is where you’re allowed to step once the train is in the station – I lost it, when that rule wasn’t followed (never really big, loud but I was really upset – you know, I learned that it isn’t “allowed” to act out in public). Another thing, I would always get the adults (or kids) around me to speak to others: I mean, I wanted ice cream? Couldn’t order it (still hard to this day – I’m 19 years old btw) or any other basic interaction stuff – I mean I broke every connection to my best friend (in 6th grade, so I was like 10 or 11) because he broke a rule while playing “hide and seek” like yeah, one rule one time while playing and I didn’t speak to him for like 6-7 years (met him at driving school again lol) and I still have his book because I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore (now it’s just awkward to give it back).

As I was younger I loved reading, couldn’t get me away from it – now not so much lol (books or reading in general is so hard sometimes… most of the time) – but that is more like: I lost myself in the books and was super focused on it – now I “don’t have time” as in I can’t really read a book if I don’t have theoretically the whole day and night – cause if I have to do stuff later “there is not enough time to read a book” because I could get lost in it and miss stuff and 5 hours is like 5 minutes, right? (that is a part of “time blindness”, am I mistaken? – never really related to that on a deeper level but the longer it think about it, the more stuff comes to my mind that could be part of it lol / like I always at least try to) get ready when I want to visit my grandparents, it’s like a ten minute walk so I need at least 45 minutes to prepare. Example: want to be there at 14:00 so I should go to the bathroom around 13:15 the latest, bathroom always takes long ‘cause I get distracted, so I then somehow get going around 13:50 – spoiler: I need more like at least 15 minutes not less then 10 to get to my grandparents by foot – and where is the time? I got out of the bathroom somewhere before 13:40 most of the time – I do the exact same things every time and sometimes I’m like: oh, it’s like 13:25/13:30, why would I think I need so much time to get ready? And then most often I need longer – and no, then I start to got even earlier (bathroom is like the first thing in the routine I do before I have to leave the house) and somehow it is now 13:45 and I just leave the bathroom – HOW??)

Okay, MSWord tells me, I have written like almost a 1100 words and haven’t even looked at my 11 page document – sorry (can I even write that many words in an ask at tumblr?)

Another thing I found is RSD – of my god (I usually don’t like to use it like that but omg), that explains so much – don’t want to write too much (missed quite a few “too”s I think lol hope you understand anyway) – I really react so intense to small, constructive criticism and I didn’t (don’t) understand why; and question everything; I remember everything I did wrong (so many “small” things but I’m such bad at human sometimes) and the feels and oh no, I didn’t even do something wrong, my coworker/sort-of-not-really-friend told me how I could have slightly improved what I did: I’m such a bad human, I can’t do anything right and they won’t want to have to do anything with me again – thank you brain, not helpful. One other thing was, like I asked for one weekend of and I wasn’t allowed to take it ‘cause they planned to or already shifted an event (couldn’t really focus on that) to that weekend and I didn’t know it and when they said “no”, in that situation I could have lost it, I was almost in tears (you do not cry in public lol) and thought, how could I even ask that and be soo egoistic (along the lines of that).

This next one is just the text copied from a post but that is like exactly what it is for me:

“I literally thought all the symptoms were the default way a brain works, so you’re telling me some of you can “choose” what to pay attention to? Like, if you know you absolutely have to listen to and remember something you just “can” even if you don’t like it?

And if you’re at a restaurant and three other tables are having conversations you don’t just automatically absorb everything they’re saying?

And if you know you have to do something within the next hour it won’t just remind you of a different subject entirely which reminds you of another different subject entirely and you don’t just take you three days to remember the original thing you were doing????”

so true lol.

Found another post with autism signs in adults (that my have been missed as kids), I took out everything I don’t really relate to (like 5 or 6 things lol):

- may constantly rehears conversations or interactions

- may feel as though you are always on stage

- may have a few close friends, not many acquaintances

- may struggle with other people breaking rules (RULES ARE ABSOLUT – HOW CAN YOU BREAK THEM?)

- may often fidget, chew, tap, or other repetitive behaviors

- may get more or less upset at something than is “appropriate”

- may struggle to adjust when plans change without warning

- may have routines that don’t seem to have a real purpose

- may struggle in situations that are unfamiliar

- may be a very picky eater with few preferred foods

- may struggle with noises, touching, or sensory input

- may struggle to process visual or auditory information

- may struggle to settle body down enough for restful sleep (though I now have a weighted blanket and that’s soo awesome, it really helps at least a bit (don’t wake up that often at night anymore))

- may struggle to keep track of a fast conversation

- may take jokes very literally, and not understand teasing

- may miss sarcasm or subtleties while others are speaking

I understand teasing, I can more or less successful tease and be sarcastic but I’m not sure if people are teasing me. I do not prefer to communicate via text or email. It is still very stressful for me - a telephone is also bad (tone and stuff, not understanding the words correct and not even seeing the other person and in person is also bad – so no to communication and/or interaction lol)

I could provide example for everything but I’m at around 1700 words and just no.

Didn’t really mention sensory stuff, another post I found: “basically, your day-to-day sensory input shouldn’t be causing you distress. sounds wild, i know, but it’s not neurotypical for the stimuli (be it sound, touch, visual, etc etc) you encounter on a day-to-day basis to make you unhappy. also, if busy shopping malls or crowded parties consistently cause you distress or agitation, that’s a neurodiverse thing. it sounds strange, but apparently but yeah, it’s normal for most people to expect to be comfortable in their day to day surroundings.”

Like on one level, I knew it couldn’t be quite “normal” to be always uneasy in “normal” day to day surroundings but like, I can’t understand how people can not find it hard to be in such environment (I heard some enjoy it even, like HOW?).

Random interjection ‘cause I wanted to say something to thing from the beginning: * “Allistics do not “prepare” in order to socialize. They do not have scripts. They do not write them, memorize them, or use them. They just magically know what to say. “ yeah, wow, didn’t realise that for a long time, and it is really magically. But somehow they can; I still ask my mom to help me write emails (more or less important ones) ‘cause it’s hard and she’s always like: “we do it so often, why do you still need help, just write” – not helpful and we didn’t do it actually ‘cause it is a complete different situation now lol every new email is a new thing… I need to think about what to say to the cashier every damn time I’m in the supermarket lol; if I don’t have to talk, someone else orders for me (they thinks I’m lazy or so, I don’t know but it’s so hard and you know what to do, so you can do it lol)

And that executive dysfunction thingy also explains a lot – I mean, I like languages, I’m just not good at that speaking/hearing the words thing – still, I learn Ancient Greek as a sort of hobby (I mean, I learn it for so long now, it’s too late to stop, that would be weird and it is really interesting, just really hard) and I needed like 7 hours to do the work (like, got out of bed, got breakfast, started the computer and did like 30 minutes of working, then did some stuff on the internet for like an hour and then ate my forgotten breakfast, then did some more browsing (I need to do the work cause I have to send it to my teacher this evening lol) some work for like almost an hour, some more phone, a bit of work – and so on. I did some work (but like so many people would have done more or needed less time lol) – anyway I know I really need to work on the language and I just… don’t. arg, that sucks so much, every week I think, I could start doing things on Saturday and then everyday a bit so I have like six days to do some work and every time it’s Thursday and I’m like, lol 10 hours for doing a weeks work. And it’s not like I could focus for that 10 hours – except when I can but sadly it’s almost never on the things I *need* to do. Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

So, yeah, sorry; I think it’s quite possible that I’m autistic / have adhd, both or so – am I making things up and this is just my mind going a bit wild? (also, I’ve done some online “tests”; most of the time I get like ¾ of the maximal points, but at least always more than half the full points)

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Thanks if you made it to the end! 20.08.2020

PS. could write so much more in my mind but nope. i think one can get my point. otherwise just ask me

PPS. actually talked with my grandmother about it, lol, she said, it would explain some things she wondered about lol (never thought i would talk in real life with someone about it but i really needed to talk about my thoughts and then i couldn’t shut up and i was so worried but she is kinda cool with it? though she doen’t really know anything about the topic except what i told her so yeah. i acually have no clue how to approach my mum (even if it isn’t autism/adhd or so, i think i have to talk about how i tick a bit lol) (sorry, just had to write it a least lol)

so sorry, needed a part two (cause brain is stupid)

Okay, part two (I’m so sorry) (now it is the 21st of August 2020)

There is so much more I can write about: sorry, again like 1300 words.

Like, special interests – I have no idea; as I kid my teacher had to regularly remind me that I have to leave the classroom for break – cause I was so into my book that I didn’t hear anyone leaving the room or the bell; now I can get really invested in some fanfictions (if I have like five days for myself and nothing to do, it is like 3 books without a break) and I’m at a point where I don’t find (good) new stuff and read the same fanfic again and again (I know exactly what will happen and still love it), sometimes I don’t read it for like a few weeks or month and then like 5 times back to back. I absolutely love Doctor Who (but I’m not excessively obsessive or so and don’t know that many facts just some), just can ramble for a few minutes (okay, everyone who would listen speaks German and my main input for Doctor Who is English, so hard to translate that and stuff). Well back to books: I love them; even though I can’t properly focus much these day, I love them, I need them: but why? I hate that when book covers changes or the side of the book like it’s: publisher, name of book, author and the next book is like name of the book, publisher, author and all is mixed up or the symbol of the publisher is slightly different: why? Can’t it be consistent? Why??.

Routines, rituals and stuff. Yeah, I have for example this one street (they repaired the street but there is a small crack now), I have to cross it on the side that is where the street crosses another and then the last 3 steps have to be on the other side and the fourth is stepping on the sidewalk (I really can’t do it any other way and I hate this one car that always blocks the crack a bit – it shouldn’t be standing there ‘cause it’s almost directly in the crossing lol) when I still was going to school, my way home was very specific and one time there was a building/construction site (just some repairs or work on the pipe lines in the ground) and the first time I saw this I was stressed after a long day of school and almost lost it right there and then, because I couldn’t walk my normal way (and yes, at home I cried at bit); for the next few weeks my way back home was hell. I have some specific routines for the bathroom and showering (though most people have that, right?). I have to pack my things and then my stuff like keys and such in the same way every time. When I need a walk I have like two (or three) routes I can take and I have to do them and almost can’t change them after I started (I can though it really throws me off and I don’t feel really well after that). One time – cause Covid-19 and stuff – you need to use a shopping cart where I live in order to enter the supermarket (so you keep more distance) – so, I went to the market by foot and had everything planned, shortly before I am at the store I realise I don’t have a “chip” (thingy you need to use the shopping cart; don’t know if you know what I mean) and I lost it – my plans and routine how I go shopping to that market (if by foot) was ruined – went back home and cried and raged like for an hour (went later again, cause I really needed stuff and I couldn’t leave that thing open, that also feels… not good – had to finish the walking “round”: to the store, store, back home)

One thing I mentioned before: sensory stuff; yeah, not a fan of “loud” noises (it isn’t always the loudness but more the number of noises). Water in my face (nope, hate it, never under the shower and like a sponge or so is horror (like everywhere on my body), just clean water is okay (but please, I can’t have had soap like right before on my hands)), lights is a day to day thing (though if I’m tired / close to what I think is sensory overload, either the room I’m in gets like darker or lights up so much it’s not tolerable anymore (then I know, I really, really have to leave the room and not see or hear anybody anything anymore)), and food, yeah (everything has its place on my plate and please don’t touch), I’m a really “picky” eater and I absolutely despise like cooked or baked fruits (some vegetables too) (they feel soo weird in my mouth… and taste bad… but the texture alone is… really, really bad) (if I wait a bit more, I could think of more but you get the gist I think)

One thing that throws me off: Since I’m 14 years old, I do some stuff with youth groups like mostly work in the church as a volunteer (like in the (school)holidays going a vacation with a group and such things) – I needed like three years (I was and still am seen as shy, mostly) to really “lead” a group (I really am good at imitating the others that can lead a group, I think) and now after I finished school and am doing a “Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr (FSJ)” (voluntary social year) (basically I “work” for a year in a social job (sorry, no idea how to explain it in English) and get not much money (that’s the volunteering-part, but ‘cause I work full-time (38.5 hours a week on paper), I get a bit of money)) – and now I applied for studying for working in a social job – can’t really explain it but important is that I would/will have to work with people and stuff, like my job is to create/plan activities for people (like for example, a meeting every week for old people, free-time activities for teenagers or so). On one level I somehow like that working with people (as long as I know what I do, I had time to plan and everything happens more or less as I imagined/planned), on another level I absolutely… well not hate it… but it is really taxing for me and sometimes I really question myself but then other people say, do it, you’re good at it – and I’m like: yeah? I sometimes feel terrible and have no idea what’s going but okay, good that you don’t see that?! Am I not totally awkward and what? Still, have no clue what I would do instead of that lol (sorry, explained that whole thing real bad; just ask, if something is unclear)

So, two options: either I fake everything I wrote before that last thing and how would that work? Or I’m really good at faking that last thing and how? I have no idea and yeah, I had to write that – can both work? Like, it’s not like that I’m always (really) comfortable doing that social stuff but on the other hand, a bit adrenaline and anxiety makes the life more fun or something like that (and it’s not like, yeay, one time a certain situation managed and the next time I can navigate that somewhat same situation, nope, it’s like nothing ever happened before and that’s… annoying?)

Sorry again to bother you. Thanks for reading

21.08.2020

PS. I will probably think of something new every few hours but that’s enough for now I think lol – sorry

PPS. And sorry for my bad English and explaining… language is hard (not like I could write it better in my native language lol)

_______________________________________________________________

First, I will never, ever, ever judge someone based on how good their English is, whether English is their first language or not. People communicate the best they can, and that’s all that counts, and it does not matter if it’s “perfect”.

So I can’t address every detail you brought up, because this was a LOT! I did read all of it though, and the general impression I get is that you’re right, you probably have ADHD, and possibly autism as well, though I am not a doctor and I can’t diagnose you.

You asked a few times if you could be “faking” it, and the answer to that I can say for certain: No, you are not faking. What you told me here are your life experiences. I just read a story of “How life is like” for you, and it was not fiction, this is your real perspective about how your brain sees the world. This is not fake. This is who you are, and I felt what you wrote was very open and honest, the exact opposite of fake.

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Based on your experiences that you shared, I’d say it’s more than likely you have ADHD. You talk often about trying to complete a task and losing your focus before it’s finished:

Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

This is all very suggestive of ADHD. You also had some symptoms that could be autism, but it seems like the ADHD is more prominent for you and is affecting you more (keep in mind, I’m only a stranger on the internet, I could be totally wrong).

I’m really happy that you were able to share these thoughts with your grandmother, and that she was open to listening to you about them, even if she didn’t have all the facts.

I know you said it would be a long wait, and very difficult, to get an appointment with a professional. But I do really think you should be tested for ADHD. Maybe your grandmother can help you talk to your mum about it, or maybe your grandmother can make all those phone calls for you (because believe me, I know how difficult it is to make phone calls, they are just as hard for me). Even if you have to wait a year, it would be worth it to know- and also, because in the case of ADHD, there is medication which can help you. So it would be really worth it for you to get that, even if you have to wait a long time.

You’re obviously a very detail-oriented, thoughtful person, and I know that you’ve studied this subject inside and out. You’re not faking, you’re not making it up. These are your experiences, and they are the truth, and you deserve to be tested if you want to be.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #ADHD #submission

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isitreallyok · 3 years

Text

Productivity and ADHD

We’re back at it again dear readers. As you all may have noticed there hasn’t been much in the realm of content this week which funnily enough brings me to our topic. I wanted to take a little bit to address productivity as a concept and talk a bit about my pressures in trying to maintain schedules.

Productivity seems like a really broad topic to try to cover.

It definitely is so I’ll leave it relevant to how it impacts my day to day and how I try to cope with it. Productivity is something that I have always struggled with. A part of my bipolar disorder comes with a steaming hot side of ADHD. Many people who don’t have experience with ADHD think that it is just people who can’t sit still or are constantly needing to do ten things at a time. While not entirely inaccurate, there is a lot more to ADHD than just this.

My experience with ADHD comes in a number of forms and one of those is starting a myriad of projects and not sticking with any of them until completion. This blog is just one example of that. When I first started things up I wanted to maintain a really tight Monday, Wednesday, Friday posting schedule so that I had routine content and a regular way to reflect on the challenges that life has been throwing my way. I got a post up Monday and now it is Saturday at 10 PM and we are only now at the second post for the week.

That isn’t a huge deal though. Like you mentioned when you first started your blog, this is a personal blog so you can feel free to work whenever you are able. There shouldn’t be any pressure about posting here.

You’re right. However here is what I have been working with. This entire week I have had idea after idea about what I want to write about and how I want to go through it. There are so many post ideas at this point that I have forgotten about half of them and sadly I lost the document I thought I had saved them in so lets just wait until the inspiration strikes again. The problem I’ve run in to is not actually that I have not wanted to write it’s that instead I have been in a place where I have been hyper focused on something else and by the time I even think to write for the evening it’s two days later.

A little peek behind the curtain would show that I have scheduled most of my posts to go up at or around noon on the normal release days. They are actually written a day or two in advance to give myself a bit of leeway just in case things get too long or the topic I’m working on writing about becomes too much in that moment. This week, rather than writing I have been hyper focused on Christmas shopping and finishing up my watch through of Kamen Rider Zero-One. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I put myself under a bit of pressure about getting a post up when I went four days without actually blogging.

Why pressure yourself though? The blog is still small and all that is going to do is hamper your productivity even more.

Now you’re getting it. The thing about the way that my ADHD works is that I either have to have four things going on at once or I’m hyper focused on a singular task and don’t stop until it is completely perfectly. Often times the focal point of what I’m doing bounces between the two. Instead of simply working on things leisurely to a point where I’m content with what I have written and then posting it I find myself usually playing a video game or watching a television series while I’m working. At the same time as doing both of these things I also manage to be holding at least one, though usually closer to three, different conversations via Facebook Messenger topics as well as doing something on my phone that is also completely unrelated to any other task I’m performing in that moment as well.

Circling back for a moment to my hyper-fixation issue, the thing that I find myself focused on is not often the task at hand. Often times it is one of the many other things that I go am doing in the moment that becomes the task that has my attention. Usually these tasks are things that I would consider lower priorities, but require less brain power to complete. A problem of mine that I have that I am working towards changing is that when I hyper-fixate on something it must be done perfectly. When writing this means heavily editing something to the point of being willing to publish what I’ve written in that moment, when gaming it means that I have to achieve high scores, when cooking ingredients must be handled precisely, et cetera. Despite the fact that they require less brain power and effort to complete, the things that get my attention during a shift towards hyper-fixation typically become incredibly exhausting to work on.

If you’re unable to control what you fixate on when you’re multitasking, why not make all parts of the multitask related to the content you are trying to put out?

This is a very good point that to be completely honest has not been something that I have attempted very often. The difficulty when it comes to a large portion of things I write about here is that in order for me to do that I typically would need to have articles relating to the topics at hand up. Often times I will do a definition search to make sure that I know the top results to establish a baseline of what people may already understand about a topic, but finding videos relating to topics to have playing on a secondary screen while working and also reading an article about things isn’t always feasible.

For example, when I sat down to write this post I got distracted by Kamen Rider and put it on hold for a few hours because when I finished the episode I was on I had to go to the store. I got back and thought about how I wanted to address the topic and started with a google search of just the word productivity. I found a lot of information in the top results regarding workplace productivity and productivity of manufacturing, but not a whole lot regarding personal productivity in the day to day tasks. So rather than actually relating any of what we are talking about here to the workplace, I decided to just kind of wing it and go a different route. Without having that information present my mind jumped to about forty five different places, including about fifteen unrelated topics.

So while doing that works wonders in some aspects of the day to day, I don’t think that it will serve as a catch all.

I’m beginning to see a bit of what you mean about productivity being tricky to manage.

Despite all of the problems with hyper-fixation and focus issues, one of the biggest issues that I have with productivity actually has nothing to do with these factors or the pressure I put on myself to perform. Instead the problem stems from my own expectations of myself. As I mentioned earlier, the proclivity towards perfection when I put something out into the world with my name on it definitely exists. This means that if I’m not happy with something I typically will not release it. Seems fair enough, right? Well not quite.

I have found that sometimes when I focus on getting things just right before I release something I am actually not concerned about the product, but instead I am worried about failure. Thoughts akin to “What if people don’t like what I’m doing with this?”, “Will my audience truly understand the point I’m trying to make?”, and even “I understand this reference but it’s so niche I’m pretty sure that no one else will.” go through my head all the time as I’m working on various personal projects. These thoughts inhibit my ability to maintain productivity in what I’m working on and often result in dropping the task entirely before completing even a draft that I could release in the future.

How will you know what people think about your work if you never are able to release it though?

Ah, the age old question of would I be successful if I tried? It’s such a tricky thing. I find myself wanting to release a ton of different things that I have tried to work on. I even have managed to push myself out of my comfort zone to do exactly that in sharing ongoing projects as I am working on them. I’ve found that accountability does help me to have the desire to continue to work on projects because even when I receive negative feedback it still gives me a way to improve in the future, even if it feels bad to hear in the moment.

I have found that working on showing myself a little bit of compassion when it comes to putting out things that I may not find perfect has been wonderful. Though I’ll discuss more on self compassion in the future. Allowing myself the freedom to understand that perfection is a concept best forgotten about and accepting that failure is a part of striving towards success has been monumental in allowing myself the ability to set more attainable goals in my projects. Without that line of thinking, I likely would not have had the courage to make these posts public and to allow myself to be so vulnerable with the entire internet.

As usual though at this point we have strayed pretty far from the topic that I had originally planned for today. Initially this post going to be about productivity in the more mundane aspects of daily life. I think that will be the thing that we talk about next time. So now that we know what will be discussed next time here are our reminders three. You are stronger than you think, you are beautiful, and gosh darnit you are worth it! Keep kickin butt and I’ll see you next time, lovelies!

#ADHD #Mental health awareness #Mental Health #bipolar #productivity #perfectionist #projects #self help

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adhd-sorcha · 4 years

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Hey, i also was recently (1 year) diagnosed with ADHD. And I'm considering going back to college, considering what to study next or finish my masters degree. Started thinking maybe I'll go to med school as this pandemic has really made me reconsider things. I guess my question for you is this..what are you studying and how has the studying been for both the phd and the research master's degree you have? I have a BS in psychology (only stated this for reference) thanks in advance. Good luck!

Hello! I’m actually studying a related field to yours! My bachelors is in neuroscience (though it also involved other biological fields and some chemistry and some psychology). For my the masters, I did research into Parkinson’s disease and the PhD was in the same. (Both were pre-clinical research, so no human patients involved)

I’m going to preface this by saying that I was only diagnosed after I started my PhD (I think around December? So only a few months ago!). It would be good to keep that in mind while reading this because my experience is very much coloured by the fact that I was not receiving any accommodations and genuinely didn’t understand why I was struggling. So, this may not sound too positive, but I like to think that it’s a situation that’s fixable or avoidable, especially if, like yourself, you go into your work knowing that you have ADHD. (Also, keep in mind that I did a lab science, so some of what I say might be a bit specific to that!)

I found my research masters to be a complete slog and, if I’m honest, did not particularly enjoy it. I did a one year MSc. It was all research and no classes. At first this sounded like a great idea. I had been starting to struggle with classes and exams in my undergrad from maybe third year. I put it down to being sick of classes. I now know that’s not the case. It was because my work was moving more to self-directed learning and modules whose grades were based entirely on one big exam and so needed a lot of study instead of smaller, more manageable homework type tasks.

A research degree is very self directed. With my masters involving no classes, my getting the degree was based completely on my thesis.

It involved: 1) spending hours at a time at my computer looking through data bases and reading paper after paper. 2) organising and planning my experiments. 3) carrying out those experiments. 4) being trained in on new lab techniques/how to use new equipment. 5) analysing and interpreting my data in the context of all the reading that I had done. 6) putting it all together in a nice neat document.

In other words: time management and self-regulation are key. Not easy when you have ADHD, even worse when you don’t know you have ADHD. I really enjoy lab work and analysis, so getting myself to go do those really wasn’t that bad. I really really struggled with the reading and getting the writing done.

I struggled and I didn’t understand why I struggled. I didn’t understand how other people did multiple experiments in one day and read papers in between lab work and wrote a few thousand words over the weekend while I was lucky if it only took me one whole day to read the main points of a paper.. I didn’t understand how everyone else could rattle off information on their research topic off the top of their head, while I struggled to remember the details of a protocol I did earlier that day. I felt like I was getting through my lab work very slowly and not as efficiently. As you can imagine, I felt like I was incompetent and useless and that everyone was better than me and that I didn’t belong working with them.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t resolved before I started my PhD. And a PhD doesn’t just involve research. It involves taking classes and often it involves assisting in the teaching and supervision of the undergraduates, as well as organising training on different equipment and then the assessments for all that training... It got very busy very fast and you have to do all that work yourself. I had one class that I kept forgetting to even go to because none of my lab mates were in it to remind me to go (and it was my only class whose mark was attendance based! Why brain??? Whhhhyyyy????). And, once again, I felt like I was far more inefficient and less-abled than my lab mates. Now, everyone was very kind and supportive, but they had their own work to do too.

It was a few months into the PhD that I found out that I had ADHD and that was only because I sought treatment for pretty bad depression and anxiety. I’ve taken medical leave to try to recover from these and I may even drop out altogether. But you know what? I still think a research degree in completely doable with ADHD! And I still plan on getting a PhD at some point.

Like I said at the start, it’s important to remember that I did this without knowing that I had ADHD. I had no medication. I had no accommodations. And I didn’t know to take it easy on myself. Most importantly, I didn’t know to ask for help.

My biggest advice? Ask for help! Or at least tell someone when you’re struggling. In my experience it’s a big help

I told my MSc supervisor that I was struggling with my mental health and that it was interfering with finishing my thesis. She was so understanding and it was so helpful in getting it sent off for examination.

I told my PhD supervisor that I had just been diagnosed with ADHD and within about 5 minutes he had all my lab work rearranged and planed out for me and basically told me that he would make the start of my PhD as straightforward for me as possible while I got a handle on everything going on.

Just before I went on leave, my counselor in the university was helping me get set up with the disability support services to see what kind of accommodations I could get (they could include longer exam times, more flexible deadlines for assignments etc...).

I told my lab mates what was going on and they provided more general support just by having people to talk to.

Okay, so my experience probably doesn’t sound like the most encouraging of prospects, but take it as a more cautionary tale. This was how not to do research with ADHD! If you go into your degree already knowing you have ADHD, you’re already miles more prepared than me! Especially because I’m now learning and beginning to accept that sometimes, for us to do well, we need to do things a little differently to neurotypical students. I used to beat myself up over things that I now realise were actually coping strategies (like, I’d have to write more reminders for myself than other people would or something like that) and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing those things if they help. The neurotypical way isn’t the only way. Sometimes I unknowingly did things in an ADHD friendly way and assumed I was doing it ‘wrong’ when what it actually was was just different.

I would definitely encourage you to go back to study if that’s what you want to do! But it will definitely be important to remember that you have a hurdle that not all the other students are going to have to jump over, so be kind to yourself, don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t be afraid to do things differently if you need to.

#answered asks #theragingbluwaffle #adhd #neurodivergent academia #sorry this is so long!#it's quite a wide topic for me #like there's the overall experience #and then there's more specific stuff like going to classes or whatever #i went with the overall #but if you want to ask anything more specific go ahead!#i got really stuck on how to end this and ended up rambling

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thedapperrabbit · 4 years

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She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa... Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer). Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?) All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl). (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!” Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me. OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

#should i tag this?#im not sure if i like it #berres #psyhcology of pop culture chraracters #psychology of the writer/author

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betterthanmydiary1 · 5 years

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On the Spectrum Somewhere

I don’t think it ever occurred to me, not properly, how many spectrums there really are. We throw them around a lot - ADHD, Autism/Aspergers, The Entire Range of Sexual and Romantic Orientation (including but not limited to Asexuality and Aromanticism). And because these things are Spectrums, encompassing a wide range of behaviors and thoughts and “symptoms”, I’ve decided that a very large portion of the population is On the Spectrum Somewhere.

Personally, I am on the ones listed above (ikr, what’re the odds?). HOWEVER, the... I can’t think of another word other than “severity” of these conditions differs a lot from other people I know who are also on those spectrums. So, in no real order:

1) I am on the teeny-tiniest tip of the Autism spectrum. Whenever I bring it up in a conversation I say “not enough to ever be diagnosed or need medicated or anything”, but... there are one or two behaviors that I do that I see in other people, like my friend’s autistic child. I know there’s a lot of study still about the differences and similarities between Autism and Anxiety, so that could very well be the cause.

2) I am aromantic. I’m the one who understands the point of romance and relationships... for other people. I am also asexual. All genitals are gross no matter which gender they are from. I never want to touch them or be touched by them. I have, however, found out recently that I am probably Autochrissexual. It’s the orientation where I prefer to get myself off while watching somebody else get off (or more often, reading some steamy smut - no gross liquids).

3) ADHD is probably the first time my mom and I actually agreed on me saying “hey I think I have ___”. (In her defense, as a kid I would sometimes see the attention somebody got for being sick and want to get attention to, so she often had Reasons for saying I probably wasn’t ____.) The day I read about ADHD in Psychology class I remember going “Oh wow. That’s me. I do that. I feel that.” I think of anything it is the most obvious of any of the spectrums, if only because being aro/ace is a matter of negative space.

4) Depression - Hand in hand with ADHD and anxiety. This is one of the big ones for me because I used to read posts and blogs from people with depression and go... “Can I actually be depressed? I’ve never once spent a day in bed because I just couldn’t. I’ve never done this, or that. Can I say I’m depressed if I don’t present these behaviors?” And the answer, most emphatically, is YES. Because just like everything else on this list, it is a SPECTRUM. There is no one definition, no one trait or behavior, no one answer.

5) Speaking of anxiety, there’s a part of me that wants to delete this post! Bringing attention to my “negative side” makes me nervous. So many things could go wrong, from the more realistic “people could make fun of me” to the more ridiculous “it could fall in the wrong hands and be used against me”. But same as depression, there are often times where something happens and I think to myself “somebody with really bad anxiety would react differently than me”, and I have to just be ok with that.

Part of the reason I wanted to write about this is because I think a lot of people I talk to are familiar with -saying- that something is a spectrum, but they will still deny that you fall anywhere on it. I once had a panic attack (different story) and when I was relating the experience to a friend of mine who had severe panic attacks on a monthly basis, she basically dismissed me by saying “well that doesn’t sound like a panic attack to me”. She did back-pedal a little by reminding me (and herself) that not everybody presents the same way, but in the moment I felt so... hurt. And I felt like she was saying “you don’t have anxiety. You don’t have these issues. Stop trying to identify with something you aren’t.”

In my really bad moments... I feel like somebody is in the back of my head saying “you’re making this up. This reaction is manufactured. You don’t -actually- feel this way. Just stop.” I have to remind myself that very few people have brains that can react to things in less than a second. That means that when something happens, that first flash of instinct is not manufactured - that is all you.

Anyway, I may write more about these spectrums some other time. I thought about it during that conversation earlier and I really just wanted to lay it all out.

#long post #v long post #personal post #diary entry #my personal stuff #about me

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depressed-fox · 5 years

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Horses

My therapist recommended that I make a list of everything going on in my head when I wake up in the morning. Nothing censored, nothing compromised. At first, I had a hard time clearing my head of that list. It was a long list. Then it transformed into a stream of consciousness. Hey, finally spelled that right. xD

Anyway, this is what I ended up writing down. Maybe others can relate?

Fair warning, I am not editing this, at all. Whoever reads this will get an uncensored glimpse into my thoughts. At least, the ones that are at the front of my brain. I have so many thoughts at the same time that I only had time to write down what was in my main thoughts. It’s still a very private world that I am sharing with you. No judging, alright? My anxiety is going up high enough as it is.

Writing for comics Playing Sonic Playing Hyrule Warriors Practicing drawing in Illustrator Keep reading library book (comics) Listen to music Sing along Keep trying out the money site Check in on Acorn Why am I depressed, today? Will this actually work? "Meet me at the con" stuck in my head Watch YouTube Should put away the chair Watch needs charging What ever happened to writing for money? Wish I was making money, already. It's raining I have a lot of horses. =\ I should practice drawing foxes, again Itchy head Wow... for a moment, my head was clear. Putting aside thoughts actually works for a bit. "At the con... At the con... At the con!" Still going. -_- Stream of conciousness I spelled that wrong -_- Not gonna correct it, though. It's not so much the amount of horses as getting all of my thoughts down. I have a lot of thoughts all at the same time. Pretty focused now, though, just writing my immediate thoughts. Still got that music going through my head. Wonder how long I should continue to write this? I've gotten far away from what I originally wanted this to be. I was even thinking about putting my list of horses into an excel sheet so that I could prioritise them. I can never remember what words use Z and what words use S. =\ Song is still going, though it is quieter, now. I don't want to play music right now because it might influence my thoughts. I've already written so much that the "list" part of it is almost off my screen. Well, outside the window. Not like this window is full screen. That would be boring, wouldn't it? Not much there to write about if there is nothing on screen to trigger thoughts. Then again, I'm mostly looking down at my keyboard. Having a blank screen might help with the stream of conciousness. Still spelling it wrong. Why do I care? This is my text. If I leave myself lax here then I will mess it up when I am writing something important or talking to a friend when the auto-correct isn't working. Not that it has any idea of what it's doing, anyway. Why do I talk as thought inanimate objects have feelings and thoughts? It's like I personify them to make them the enemy instead of my own personal problems. I rush to text. I don't take the time to correct my mistakes. Even as I was writing that, I literally was correcting mistakes because my fast typing is making me make too many errors. My nose is itchy. My head is itchy. I should trim my nails. Still itchy. I guess this is about as stream od consiousness you can get. Nope, still spelled it wrong, and even typoed "of" Is there even a word for the past tense verb of typo? Is it even considered a verb at any point? I should look that up at some point. Then again, if I look that up, this will end. But if I don't look it up, I never will. I've had this question many times before. I just forgot. Wish I didn't have such a terrible memory. I try my best to remember things, but it just vanishes. I know Laura said that I give my brain too much credit, but it feels like my brain has its own brain, or uses mine against me. There I go, again. Personifying things. My brain is not its own person with its own motives and personalities. My brain is a fleshy tool that I need to use and upgrade over time. And keep out of the gutter when I am trying to be serious. Why does everything always remind me of sex? I'm a pervy guy. Apparently that's not a word, either. But why am I a pervy guy? What part of my brain and my past has lead me to think about sex this often? I suppose my dad had a part in it. He is constantly making perverted jokes and making references to sex and grabbing mom's boob's all the time. I mimic what I know. Hell, we even both like to walk around naked. Though I don't do it in front of Noel. She has a serious problem with nudity. I don't want to force that onto her. Besides, with her not being my real daughter and with laws how they are today, I'm pretty sure that's illegal, now. =\ We have far too many stupid laws in this country. It's like we want everyone who is not rich to be in prison so that can abuse them for cheap labor. Probably exactly what it is. Now it just feels like I'm wasting time. Not tim. More typos. I have far to many of them. "Meet me at the con"

It just keeps going and going. Not the song, my thoughts. It never stops. Not for more than a few seconds. The first thing back into my head is always some damn song. And she thinks I don't need a medicine? That I don't have ADHD? These are just the thoughts in the forefront of my mind. Every time I typo I degrade myself. Especially the same typo over and over again. How many times have I substituted H for M? Or added an unneeded A to WHY? Or missed a letter entirely? Half the words I say, my fingers are trying to type something else. Especially in that sentence. It's taken a while for me to write all of this. Well, not too long. Just seems like a long time to me. Trying my best to focus on doing this. Not giving up. Not switching to my browser to do something at random. Half the time I don't know what I want to do because my brain gives me 10 different suggestions. And yet, there are times when none of them are appealing. That's probably the depression. Stupid fat fingers. I type a lot of double letters. I mess up so much that I automatically catch most of them and fix them, without even looking at the screen. And now a cat wants back inside. "At the con... at the con... at the con..."

By the way, the song that’s been stuck in my head all day is “At the con” by Nerf Herder. A strange song, if nothing else. Very geeky. You should check it out. :)

youtube

#stream of consciousness #daily thoughts #horses #experiment #therapy

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