depressed-fox

[depressed-fox]

Misunderstandings Happen

I’m tired of being the only one that thinks before getting mad enough to completely break all ties to a long time friend. I’ve lost too many friends because of misunderstandings. Each time it’s the same thing. I’m caught completely off guard while the friend tells me or someone I know about something I supposedly did to make them mad at me.

“Stop trying to break us up!” “Stop stirring the pot!” “Stop trying to make me feel uncomfortable!” “Stop harassing me!” “Stop talking down to me!” If I was actually doing these things, I could stop. I am not doing them, at least not intentionally. One of the worst examples was when I lost two long time friends. Friends that I helped to get together to become a couple. Friends that I encouraged to marry each other and helped out when they were in crisis. Now, neither of them talk to me because one of them (the friend I had longer) thinks that I was stirring the pot and trying to break them up. He didn’t even tell me. If it was up to him, I still wouldn’t know. Instead, I had to get it from his fiance who has also stopped talking to me since then.

I almost lost another friend because I said something they believed to be horrible. I did not mean to upset them and didn’t know that what I said would upset them. I apologized immediately, but she still stayed mad and almost stopped being my friend, after we had been best friends for years. For a while, she was the only one that understood the real me, not the me I present to everyone so they don’t know the pain I’m in.And instead of stopping and thinking that maybe I just made a mistake, she flat out tells me that she doesn’t know if we’ll ever talk again and then says nothing to me for 24+ hours, knowing that I was in tears the entire time.

Why doesn’t anyone think? Why can’t they see how much they are hurting people by not letting themselves think and try to understand? Why is it so hard for most people to think, “Wait a moment. He wouldn’t intentionally make me this upset. Maybe I’m thinking about it wrong? Maybe I am getting upset over nothing? A misunderstanding.”

No. No one thinks like that. Just me, I guess. Just me who is destined to be hurt over and over.

I hope my friend understands that I am not upset with them and they have no reason to be upset with me. I hate misunderstandings.

#depression #anxiety #fear #tears

[depressed-fox]

Sleepless

I wish I knew why I don't want to go to sleep. For some reason, I don't. I just want to stay awake and not let tomorrow arrive. It's going to happen. I know I can't stop it. I don't know why I want to stop it. Every time I think about taking my medicine and going to sleep I get that usual sense of dread. The same one I get when I know I should be doing something but can't get myself to do it.

There are times that I really want to know what is going on in my own head.

Why don't I want to go to bed? My girlfriend is there. Sleep is there. Maybe sleep really is what I'm avoiding. But why? Bad dreams? Maybe dreams that are too good? Not like I'll remember them. I rarely do. Maybe it's a subconscious thing. A dream I don't even remember. Or a dream I do remember but don't want to have again.

What's the point in guessing? I'm never going to know. Not everything has an easy answer. I wish it did. Worst thing I can think of is fighting an enemy inside your own mind. I know I shouldn't think of it as fighting an enemy. Personifying it gives it more power than it really has. I've already given it so much.

I feel tired. I know I could sleep. I still don't want to. Maybe I was right the first time. Prolonging the advancing sun. It must be about our money troubles. We recently got an eviction notice. As bad as this place is, I don't want us kicked out. Where will we go? My parents can't put all of us up. And why do we not qualify for financial aid? We don't make enough money to support ourselves. No one will hire us. This is the cheapest place we could find.

Just another example of how things always go horribly wrong. Just more of my bad luck. Another time where I have no control over my life. And the worst part is, it's not just me, this time. My family is being dragged down with me. My girlfriend whom I love dearly. My new step-daughter whom I adore. The two most important people in my life whom I have promised to protect and give better lives. We're all going to be homeless. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm helpless to save them from this.

I don't want the night to end because that puts us one day closer to not having a home. Everything is falling apart. What little I've managed to accomplish is all being taken away from me. All hapiness I've fought so hard for is slipping away and taking their happiness with it. It's so much worse to lose everything when you have others to care about. My daughter doesn't even know, yet. I can't tell her. It's bringing me to tears just thinking about it.

Why am I not allowed to be happy?

[depressed-fox]

Horses

My therapist recommended that I make a list of everything going on in my head when I wake up in the morning. Nothing censored, nothing compromised. At first, I had a hard time clearing my head of that list. It was a long list. Then it transformed into a stream of consciousness. Hey, finally spelled that right. xD

Anyway, this is what I ended up writing down. Maybe others can relate?

Fair warning, I am not editing this, at all. Whoever reads this will get an uncensored glimpse into my thoughts. At least, the ones that are at the front of my brain. I have so many thoughts at the same time that I only had time to write down what was in my main thoughts. It’s still a very private world that I am sharing with you. No judging, alright? My anxiety is going up high enough as it is.

Writing for comics Playing Sonic Playing Hyrule Warriors Practicing drawing in Illustrator Keep reading library book (comics) Listen to music Sing along Keep trying out the money site Check in on Acorn Why am I depressed, today? Will this actually work? "Meet me at the con" stuck in my head Watch YouTube Should put away the chair Watch needs charging What ever happened to writing for money? Wish I was making money, already. It's raining I have a lot of horses. =\ I should practice drawing foxes, again Itchy head Wow... for a moment, my head was clear. Putting aside thoughts actually works for a bit. "At the con... At the con... At the con!" Still going. -_- Stream of conciousness I spelled that wrong -_- Not gonna correct it, though. It's not so much the amount of horses as getting all of my thoughts down. I have a lot of thoughts all at the same time. Pretty focused now, though, just writing my immediate thoughts. Still got that music going through my head. Wonder how long I should continue to write this? I've gotten far away from what I originally wanted this to be. I was even thinking about putting my list of horses into an excel sheet so that I could prioritise them. I can never remember what words use Z and what words use S. =\ Song is still going, though it is quieter, now. I don't want to play music right now because it might influence my thoughts. I've already written so much that the "list" part of it is almost off my screen. Well, outside the window. Not like this window is full screen. That would be boring, wouldn't it? Not much there to write about if there is nothing on screen to trigger thoughts. Then again, I'm mostly looking down at my keyboard. Having a blank screen might help with the stream of conciousness. Still spelling it wrong. Why do I care? This is my text. If I leave myself lax here then I will mess it up when I am writing something important or talking to a friend when the auto-correct isn't working. Not that it has any idea of what it's doing, anyway. Why do I talk as thought inanimate objects have feelings and thoughts? It's like I personify them to make them the enemy instead of my own personal problems. I rush to text. I don't take the time to correct my mistakes. Even as I was writing that, I literally was correcting mistakes because my fast typing is making me make too many errors. My nose is itchy. My head is itchy. I should trim my nails. Still itchy. I guess this is about as stream od consiousness you can get. Nope, still spelled it wrong, and even typoed "of" Is there even a word for the past tense verb of typo? Is it even considered a verb at any point? I should look that up at some point. Then again, if I look that up, this will end. But if I don't look it up, I never will. I've had this question many times before. I just forgot. Wish I didn't have such a terrible memory. I try my best to remember things, but it just vanishes. I know Laura said that I give my brain too much credit, but it feels like my brain has its own brain, or uses mine against me. There I go, again. Personifying things. My brain is not its own person with its own motives and personalities. My brain is a fleshy tool that I need to use and upgrade over time. And keep out of the gutter when I am trying to be serious. Why does everything always remind me of sex? I'm a pervy guy. Apparently that's not a word, either. But why am I a pervy guy? What part of my brain and my past has lead me to think about sex this often? I suppose my dad had a part in it. He is constantly making perverted jokes and making references to sex and grabbing mom's boob's all the time. I mimic what I know. Hell, we even both like to walk around naked. Though I don't do it in front of Noel. She has a serious problem with nudity. I don't want to force that onto her. Besides, with her not being my real daughter and with laws how they are today, I'm pretty sure that's illegal, now. =\ We have far too many stupid laws in this country. It's like we want everyone who is not rich to be in prison so that can abuse them for cheap labor. Probably exactly what it is. Now it just feels like I'm wasting time. Not tim. More typos. I have far to many of them. "Meet me at the con"

It just keeps going and going. Not the song, my thoughts. It never stops. Not for more than a few seconds. The first thing back into my head is always some damn song. And she thinks I don't need a medicine? That I don't have ADHD? These are just the thoughts in the forefront of my mind. Every time I typo I degrade myself. Especially the same typo over and over again. How many times have I substituted H for M? Or added an unneeded A to WHY? Or missed a letter entirely? Half the words I say, my fingers are trying to type something else. Especially in that sentence. It's taken a while for me to write all of this. Well, not too long. Just seems like a long time to me. Trying my best to focus on doing this. Not giving up. Not switching to my browser to do something at random. Half the time I don't know what I want to do because my brain gives me 10 different suggestions. And yet, there are times when none of them are appealing. That's probably the depression. Stupid fat fingers. I type a lot of double letters. I mess up so much that I automatically catch most of them and fix them, without even looking at the screen. And now a cat wants back inside. "At the con... at the con... at the con..."

By the way, the song that’s been stuck in my head all day is “At the con” by Nerf Herder. A strange song, if nothing else. Very geeky. You should check it out. :)

#stream of consciousness #daily thoughts #horses #experiment #therapy

[depressed-fox]

I’m filled with DETERMINATION

Recently, I was given a new medication, on top of what I was already taking. At first, it was great. I had more energy, I was eating less, I had motivation. I was happy. For the first time in my life, I felt normal, or very close to it. However, all good things must come to an end, I just wish this one had lasted longer than a couple of days. Almost immediately after I started taking it, my depression got worse and worse. After a few days, it got to the point where I couldn't do anything but cry for the whole day. I also had my very first (and only) suicidal thought. It's amazing how fast "I wish I wasn't ruining their lives" can turn into "I wish I was dead so they could move on". It was a very sobering thought. My depression was instantly replaced with anxiety, more specifically, fear. Still crying, but for a different reason. I immediately stopped taking the medicine. However, part of me wishes I didn't have to.

If it wasn't for the suicidal depression, I would still be taking that medicine. I miss the energy, the determination, the happiness. For the first time, I felt like I had a good life, a life that I deserved and worked hard for. Now, without that medication, I'm even more tired than before, have even less determination, and feel like I don't deserve any part of the life I have. I don't deserve to have a loving girlfriend. I don't deserve to have my amazing step-daughter. I don't deserve to have caring parents. I don't deserve to have good friends. I don't deserve to be in college, let alone to graduate. I have not earned anything in my life, it was just handed to me out of pity. I know that these things are not true. I tell myself that every chance I get. It doesn't change how I feel.

But you know what? I don't care if I deserve these things or not. I don't care if they were handed to me or if I earned them. I don't care if they are going to be taken away at a moment's notice in the ultimate trick to ruin my life. None of that matters right now, in the moment. All that matters is that I have these things. Regardless how they came to be, I have them, now. I'm going fight my hardest and try my best to keep them and get more. I will NOT allow my depression and anxiety to screw this up for me. I will fight through it. I will stand up to it. I will do what needs to be done. I might not have the motivation or determination that I had before, but I don't need it. I have this determination, now. I am determined to not let my screw ups or my disabilities take these things away from me. They are a part of my life. They make me happy. They are the only things holding my life together and keeping me from becoming stagnant in my life.

I will not give them up!

#determination #bad thoughts #deppresion #anxiety #hope

[depressed-fox]

I’m Worthless

That’s the feeling I’ve been having, lately. It’s a very old feeling and still very strong. Every time I try to help, I can only hurt others or just accomplish nothing. I’m not even strong enough to get through college, which I also screwed up by giving myself more work than I can handle. My latest failing would be as a father as my step-daughter storms off into her room, angry with me. I’ve made her feel so terrible, just with offering to help her with her homework. Even worse, she has to go to school in the morning, which she hates, while being so sick she can’t sleep at night. The school refuses to understand that this is not a 24 hour illness. It takes time to heal. And it takes more time for those who despise taking pills, which I’ve also had to remind her to do.

Most of this is all in my head. Yes, my step-daughter hates school. Yes, she doesn’t like pills or being reminded that she has to do things she hates. No, that doesn’t mean she hates me or is angry with me. I even asked her about it and she told me herself that she is not angry. I’ve done everything I can to be the best father she’s ever had and she appreciates it. I see it in how she talks with me, jokes around with me, and makes me feel happy when I’m down. That doesn’t change what my brain is telling me to make me cry this much.

It’s always felt like I was cursed. Even though I don’t believe in such things, I can’t deny the similarity. Every time I’ve applied for a job, I’ve been denied. Every time I’ve had any kind of work, it falls through, even volunteer work. Every time I’ve tried to do things with friends, I am denied. Every time I’ve tried to help around the house and do chores, my own brain won’t let me and the result is that my girlfriend feels she has to do them for me. To top it all off, every good thing that has ever happened to me has been taken away. Friends, family, jobs, colleges, everything that has made me happy.

The only things that make me happy that I’ve been able to hold onto are my parents, my siblings, my girlfriend, and her daughter. Even then, they are threatened to be taken away and sometimes succeed. It feels like something is trying it’s hardest to ensure that I am not happy. It makes me expect to lose everything and everyone I love, which makes it feel like I already have. I don’t know how I could live without any of them. And yet, when these things are taken from me, I survive. I never have any suicidal thoughts. It’s almost like my brain wants me to continue the torture.

However, I give my brain too much credit. After all, it is still my brain. I have control over it. Yes, there are glitches in the programming, ghosts in the machine, chemicals that make me feel more out of control and more worthless. That does not change the fact that, at the end of the day, I have as much control over my brain as I want, as long as I put forth the effort. But I’m tired of the constant fighting. Tired of needing to be strong to control my emotions. I can’t even hide from them, anymore, like I used to, because that function has broken and wasn’t healthy in the first place.

It feels like everyone’s lives would be better off if I wasn’t a burden anymore. Not dead, just gone. On my own. Only letting myself take the fall for my flaws and mistakes. I think that’s the main reason I don’t want help. The main reason I try to hide how I am feeling from others, even myself. I don’t want to bring anyone else down with me.

It is inevitable, I suppose.

#depression #tears #helpless #worthless #need help

[depressed-fox]

Wake Up Call

I don’t know why, but having conversations with people of authority really stresses me out. I’m not talking about cops or anything like that – although they are included. I’m talking about just simple things, like my college professors or career counselors, things like that. Nothing goes through my head that causes me to be stressed out. No thoughts that get me depressed or anxious. It just quickly builds over the course of the conversation. Especially phone calls.

I just got done talking to someone from my college. We talked about my depression, my anxiety, how much they can help me with that and looking for a job. All helpful things. And yet, as the minutes ticked by, I found myself ready to cry, throat closing up, nose running. Eventually I was rocking back and forth in my chair, actually crying, trying my hardest to not let it show over the phone. Once I was done talking and hung up the phone, the floodgates opened up and it all started coming out at once. My rocking increased to nearly falling out of my chair, I was holding my head, wailing, with tears pouring down my face and my nose running like a faucet. Even now, I’m still rocking and my hands are shaking.

I don’t know why these kinds of calls are so stressful, literally sending me into panic attacks. It’s even more stressful when I have not met the person, before. It’s not just talking about my problems that does it, either, though that certainly doesn’t help things. Any kind of professional setting will get me feeling this way. Having this be a professional call, about something important to me, while talking about my problems, being offered help with them, and setting a date for something equally important, all of these things made this phone call the most stressful one I’ve ever had.

I wish I knew why.

I guess it’s something else I have to speak with my therapist about.

#anxiety #stress #therapy #confusion

[depressed-fox]

I Can’t Care

I'm having that same old problem. It's like I can't focus because I don't care. That's completely untrue, of course. I DO care. I care a lot. I don't want to fail. However, I'm feeling very tired, very unmotivated. I have no desire to better myself or to do anything beneficial for myself. If not for the fact that I enjoy the flavors, I might not even eat. I just want to forget that today is happening, curl up by myself, and just sleep away the day. I try to do anything and I just start to doze off. I might be able to enjoy something, if I had the time to do it. I definitely don't have the time to not be doing work. Even right now, after getting a good night's sleep, I'm still tired. Playing energetic music doesn't help and certainly isn't lifting my mood.

I hope this is one of the problems solved by my new medication, when I get it. I don't want to feel like this, anymore. I want to be able to be awake and have the desire to do things that are benefitting me. I don't want to dread doing college work or hate eating healthy or put off exercising. I want to better myself. I just don't want to do the work, right now. When I'm feeling normal (assuming I ever am) I enjoy doing the work. I like the challenge. I especially like the results.

At the moment, as I am feeling, now, the results do not matter to me, at all. I got 30/50 on a quiz and I honestly don't care. It's done and out of the way. One less thing to do, today. That's not the attitude I want. That's the attitude of someone that will never get anywhere. That's someone who wants to coast through life on the backs of others. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden. But, as I am now, I don't care what happens.

I just want to be able to care.

#depression #medication #i dont care #college #tired

[depressed-fox]

To Medicate

I’ve decided to go ahead and try the medicine.

I’m tired of all of these emotions going through me like grand central station. My depression and anxiety are getting out of control. I can’t even find reasons for these things anymore. Wanting to be held for no reason. Thinking I made someone mad for no reason. Not wanting to do any work. Not doing simple chores around the house. Not caring about my weight loss. This is unacceptable.

I still fear what the drugs will do to me, but if it puts me in a better place, over all, it will be worth it. I just hope there is still something for me to come back to. I might have to drop out of college again until we find medicine that works. If they make me even more depressed, or give me severe anxiety, or any kind of severe change in my emotions, I will likely not be able to do any work. Better to cut out than to keep paying for repeated classes, right?

I might just do that, anyway. I’m already failing one right now because of this. I am being put into two classes at the same time, again, and can only barely keep up in one. This is exactly why I told them to only put me into one class. I might have to add that onto my disability thing. The scholarship doesn’t need it, anymore. It ran out.

I think the worst part of all of this is that I HATE being a burden on others and that’s exactly what I’m going to be while all of this is going on. My girlfriend and her daughter are going to have to be on guard around me to make sure my personality isn’t changing. My school will have to work around my mental problems even more. My doctors will have to put up with trying to find medications that work with me. Everyone is being put out because of me, the one thing I never wanted.

But I need them to be.

#medication #depression #anxiety #college #decision #milestone

[depressed-fox]

To Medicate or Not To Medicate

For the third time since I started trying to get better, a doctor has suggested I try depression medication. For the first time, I am seriously considering it.

I recently had another depression episode. It lasted for about a week, slightly longer. When it started, I wasn’t sure what it was. I just dreaded doing my college work. Then my girlfriend was trying to comfort me – seeing the depression before I did – and every time she did I would have a lot of sadness and tears. At the end, it just stopped. I have no idea why it stopped, either.

I’ve had depression and anxiety all of my life. I remember as a child being legitimately scared of lying to the school when I needed to stay home to do homework that I was late on. I remember crying my eyes out the first time I got an A or a B instead of an A+. I can distinctly remember beating myself up, over and over again, about things that truly did not matter, even back then, or things that were not even my fault.

Suffice it to say, I definitely have chemical depression, which has caused a great deal of situation depression. My EMDR sessions with my therapist have been handling the situational depression quite nicely. Nothing is 100% cured, but everything has seen a marked improvement. However, the more I fight against the situational depression, the more I see the chemical depression for what it is. As I remove the excuses for my logical brain, it comes up short more and more often about why my emotional brain is acting so strangely.

I have never liked medication. I’ve always seen it as something that harms you more than it helps, if taken in large doses. For example, if you take an aspirin for every minor pain, you will have zero tolerance for pain. You will require that medication to regulate your pain because you refused to let your body do it for you. I see my depression the same way. Tackling the memories, increasing my vitamin D, getting into shape, focusing on happy things; these are all things that I have been using in order to avoid taking medication. They all work, to some degree. As long as these things were helping, I saw it the same way i saw everything else. If I can fight this off with my body, naturally, then I will be stronger for it and I will know how to fight it without the medication the next time it happens. And, if I happen to need to accelerate my treatments for a job or something, then I can try medication. It is more volatile because of potential side effects, but the right medication will likely show improvement and let me do what I need to do.

I’m getting close to the end of college. It’s becoming more and more likely that I will need a job, soon. And now my therapist is telling me that it can take up to 8 months just to find the right medication, and at least a year to cure me, assuming a “cure” is even possible. I might need the medication for the rest of my life, or I might be able to ween myself off of them, which will also take a lot of time. And what if I am suddenly in a position where I need to get a job right now? Or what if my college work suffers so much that they threaten to kick me out? 8 months is not a good time table to see an improvement under those and similar conditions. If I am going to take medication for my depression, it has to be right now.

I am still greatly afraid of the potential side effects, though. What if they make me suicidal? I’ve never been suicidal, before. I don’t know how I will handle it. What if they make me act like an asshole to my friends and family? What if they make me hurt my girlfriend and her daughter? Those two have been through enough pain without me piling on more because of some stupid pill. Both of them have been very supportive. My girlfriend has told me that whatever decision I make, she will support me, which is always helpful to hear. :)

I am going back to see my therapist on Wednesday. I plan to make my decision by then. I am asking all of my friends and family that have had to deal with my depression and/or their own. Some of them have taken medications for it, before, and their input is very valuable, right now. I would also like the opinions and experiences of anyone who happens to read this blog. If you made it this far into the post, you’ve likely faced this kind of thing, yourself, or know someone who has. Either way, your input is also greatly appreciated.

I’ll let you know what I decide.

#depression #medication #decision #opinion #what do i do

[depressed-fox]

Why?

Why can't I just DO IT!

I know I should be doing it. It's listed on the sheet. There is no excuse. And if I don't do it, she will. I know she will. Most lazy guys would think "Hey, that gets me off the hook. Why do the work when it's her day to do it tomorrow and she'll do it for me?" That's not what I'm thinking though. I'm thinking, "Why can't i just do it already so she doesn't have to? If I don't do it, she will and I'll feel terrible about making her do it."

It's JUST DISHES! I've washed dishes many times before. It's no big deal. It's even less of a big deal now that I'm losing weight and gaining energy. I can be on my feet more often and for longer. And I know how to clean them. I clean the dishes better than either of them. I'm the right choice for cleaning the dishes. Especially since it is my turn. She even gave a grace period while we get adjusted and I am beyond it.

Why?

Why do i have to psych myself up to do chores? To do anything? Why does it take a specific time, a specific day? Why do I have to come up to a deadline just to motivate myself to do something so basic and simple? Whether it's washing dishes or doing college work, why do I need something to threaten me before I do the work?

I sat through 3-4 reminders to do my daily checkpoint for college. That's one question, an easy one, worth 5 points. It's basically attendance for online colleges. Why did it take that much effort and the threat of forgetting and getting a zero for me to just do it? It took less than a minute.

I don't understand it. I just don't. And it irks me that I don't understand it. What's more, it irritates me that it causes me to hurt people that I love, and yet, here I am. I'm writing this instead of getting the food I made. Why? Because if I get the food I made, I will be one step closer to doing the dishes because I told myself, "As soon as you finish eating that food and watching one more episode, you're doing the dishes." Even then, with that much build up, I delay to doing that build up.

Why? I can't spontaneously do it. I've tried. I sit there, staring at it. My brain shuts down, unwilling to function enough to even so much as tell me to pick up a dish and do it. I even tried mentally lightening the load. "Only do 5 dishes a night. We never use more than that. If everyone does 5 dishes a night, at most, the dishes will always be clean."

I have no idea. I don't know what's going on with me and my head. Maybe this should be the next big thing my therapist and I cover. It's certainly got me concerned.

#brain #anxiety #chores #confused #concern

[depressed-fox]

Good times don’t prompt posts

It’s difficult to remember to post about the good times. There is no initial emotional need to post about the happy moments in my life. I’m already sharing them with family and friends. Still, it is important to document those moments, too. If not for my own sake, then for the sake of others running across this blog. I’ve noticed that a couple of people have already found me and left some notes. I hope my posts can help you, or someone you know that needs it. :)

One of my biggest problems, as far back as i can remember, has been my weight. I am a very tall, very fat man. I’ve never thought about my weight as a problem, until I started being picked on in school and began noticing the health issues associated with it. And, of course, just not being able to do things that I want to do because the fat is getting in the way. One of the biggest mental health risks is my self-image.

Any time I have thought about myself, even just while looking down at myself, I’ve always saw myself as being thinner than I am. If I drew myself, I made myself skinny. If I imaged a situation I could be in, I was skinny. Even in my EMDR sessions, I was always portrayed as a thin and tall man, sometimes almost lanky. Each of my personas inside my head representing another version of me, all thinner than I actually am. I never questioned it. Not once.

Recently, my counselor and I started to work on my self-image, upon my request. I wanted to see what my girlfriend saw in me. She always told me how sexy I was. I didn’t believe her. I was too fat, too ugly. I thought it was a miracle that she was able to tolerate me and she was telling me that she loved everything about me. Anyway, in the sessions, a new persona showed up. In all of my EMDR sessions beforehand, I was always represented as a white, almost ghostly figure. I assumed this was the true me, until that body started talking on its own and I transferred to the other personas to try to figure out who this white persona truly was.

I came to realize that he is my ego, how I perceive myself and want to present myself. He is the persona that is in control of when I need to be strong, protect others, or correct myself to be more normal. The reason I was using him the entire time was because I was “being strong” throughout all of my sessions and needed him to guide me. However, in order to work on my own body image, to improve my ego, he can’t remain silent, anymore. Now he is speaking for himself.

In my sessions, I’m learning how to use each piece of myself like a tool. I transfer to Logic when I need to solve a problem. I transfer to Emotion to learn how I feel about a situation. I transfer to Ego when I need to know how I perceive and react to the given information. My true self seems to be shapeless, in these visions. I am simply my own consciousness, floating in the void, possessing the tool I need in the moment, otherwise letting them talk for themselves.

In my last two sessions, my personas mostly argued their points, not coming to much of a conclusion, at least not verbally. However, I have noticed exactly two changes in my real life since starting to work on my body image and letting Ego have a say in things. First off, I had a moment of genuine emotional control. I’ve never had that, before. The emotion was sadness, as usual, and very strong, but I was able to control the emotion. I held back parts of it, letting myself continue to speak, rather than having a full on attack. It lasted a lot longer than if I opened the flood gates all the way or shut them off completely, but it felt a lot better, in the end. I was actually happy, afterward, having figured out how to moderate the amount of emotion I had at that point in time.

The other change happened when I looked in the mirror. My glasses were recently broken. It was an accident and I needed replacements, anyway. I wasn’t mad at all. When I first saw myself in the mirror without my glasses, I barely recognized myself. It wasn’t the ugly, fat man that I always knew. It was an okay looking guy, someone I hadn’t seen in a VERY long time. It was like meeting an old friend after years of not speaking. I missed him.

So, despite my personas arguing more than anything else, they do see to be getting along a lot better than before. I’m learning how to use them as tools in the real world, too, and learning what Ego needs to let me see my true self. I’m not quite there, yet, but these are pretty major breakthroughs. And with Christmas around the corner, I am definitely glad that the good times are coming. :)

As always, I’ll keep you all posted.

#EMDR #personas #happy #good times

[depressed-fox]

What’s the point of family?

Why do we even try with family if they are just going to stab you in the back and ruin everything that was good? Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I even love one of my future step-daughters, with all my heart. It’s the other one that I’m beginning to hate.

I don’t like hating. I really don’t. I’ve never seen a point to it. I’ve hated before, but I’ve always pushed past it, found some way to let it go. It is very rare that hate lingers in me. I already mentioned a couple of instances in the past. I was really hoping I’d never gain any new reasons in the future. There are just some things that I cannot forgive.

Last night, my girlfriend’s older daughter showed up. She surprised us in the middle of the night, baring gifts, and even had gifts of her own. She said she was staying for a full week, letting us celebrate her birthday and Thanksgiving with her. Keep in mind, we had told her before that we live in a small apartment and that my girlfriend works at night, so we are asleep during the day. This was long before she showed up, so she knew what she was getting herself into.

Tonight, only 24 hours after arriving, she says she is going home. It’s too cramped and the sleep schedule sucks. Those are the reasons given.

Why the fuck did she show up? It’s been over a YEAR since she has seen her mother and she leaves almost immediately after getting her because of things she knew before getting here. My girlfriend was the happiest she had been in a VERY long time, when she showed up. It was obvious and she wasn’t shy about showing it and telling everyone. We even made plans to have them join us for Thanksgiving with my family. Then she had to go and break my girlfriend’s heart by giving some weak excuse and taking off into the night.

You know what? If you’re just going to show up long enough to send everyone into a rage-fueled depression, don’t bother showing the fuck up, at all. Stay far away from me and my family. If you can’t be bothered to sleep in a cramped space (a huge upgrade from the GARAGE you have been living in) long enough to make your own mother happy, then the least you could do is stay home with that asshole you call a father and leave us all alone. You obviously take more after him, anyway, if you think it’s okay to toy with your mother’s heart like this.

I mean this with every fiber of my being.

FUCK YOU

#anger #depression #tears #family #strong language #i wish i didn't care #girlfriend

[depressed-fox]

The Cycle Continues

The last few days, the depression has started up, again. It’s not as bad as it was before, but it’s definitely getting there. It doesn’t help any that my girlfriend has depression and anxiety, too. Most of the time, it’s even worse than mine. Helping her with her attacks tends to trigger my own.

In her last relationship, everything and everyone was against her. It was like her entire life there has been someone that wanted to watch her suffer, that took sadistic glee from it. She’s been programmed to think that everything is a direct attack against her. Just today, I was watching a video that I knew was going to be very funny. I recently found out that the person in the video is someone she doesn’t like. She can’t put her finger on it, but she absolutely cannot stand him. So, when I started playing the video, completely forgetting about this fact, she walked away. I thought nothing of it until she suddenly wanted to go to bed. That’s when I remembered. A few minutes later, she was back up and obviously upset, smoking nonstop in the kitchen.

After a brief talk, we just sat there, me holding her, letting her cry. She felt like I was pushing her away, not wanting to be with her. It felt like I wanted her to leave me alone. That’s the only reason her brain would give her for me putting on a video she would hate.

Guess it will take a while to escape depression, even when I do finally find a way out, for myself. I feel awful, putting her through that. Wish I knew how to help.

#depression #mistake #tears #girlfriend

[depressed-fox]

It’s not all bad

This past week has been a very good week. I've been happy and only getting happier. No triggers, no depression, no anxiety. I'm slightly nervous about my schooling starting up again, this Monday, but I'm also glad to be getting back to it. This past month has been exactly what I needed. Just a break from responsibilities. Time to get my head straight.

In my last session with my counselor, I had no complaints. Nothing felt bad or made me sad. We focused on positive things. Even my EMDR session was positive. The crying child was comforted, surrounded by loving friends and family, a light shining on him. He wasn't crying anymore. He wasn't even much of a child anymore. As he gained more attention, he grew into a young teenager. He was so happy, he was literally flying high. And, when he came back down, he hugged me and thanked me for saving him. He said he forgives me for hurting him so much. He was still getting older, getting close to my age. Then we merged and I was being hugged by all of my friends and family. Surrounded by loved ones. A voice called out, "You are loved. You won't die alone and unloved. You're surrounded by loved ones, even the ones who don't always agree with you."

I was so happy I was in tears. I still tear up thinking about it. I can still see the image of everyone hugging me, looking up at me. Surrounded by people that love me.

This was a very good week. :)

#happiness #emdr #i got my hug #surrounded by love #survivor #literally crying

[depressed-fox]

I’m still doing it...

I’m still blaming myself. I can’t get it through my head that it’s not my fault. Even worse, I can’t get it through my head that not everyone is like him.

Recently, I was talking with a friend of mine. I do a lot for this friend. I expect nothing in return. However, there are times when it seems like the friendship is a little one-sided, at least as far as favors go. I understand that this friend is in a rough place in their life. I know that they are unable to do a lot of the things I ask. I completely understand that. However, my anxiety does not. It feels like that one time all over again. I give and i give and I give and I get very little in return.

I expressed my concerns to this friend and, to their credit, they completely understood what my brain was doing to me. However, as soon as I was done explaining it and they were done reading it, they went offline. It took a couple of minutes, but they did not reply and went offline. I tried sending more messages and they did not read them.

Now, logically, it is around 1 am in their time, so it is very likely that they fell asleep with their phone on and it turned itself off after a while. My anxiety, however, is telling me that I did something terrible. I pushed too hard. I made my friend mad at me. They are going to leave me and never come back, or, if they do, it will be long enough to tell me how mad they are at me and why we can’t be friends anymore. They are going to hurt me and leave. Just like him.

Why can’t I get over this? Why can’t i get it out of my head that there was only one asshole friend that betrayed me and my family? Better question, why am I hurting from losing him as a friend more than the actual betrayal? Even after it happened, my brain was giving me dreams with him in it, still my best friend. Nothing happened. No more pain. Only to wake up and remember everything all over again.

I suppose it doesn’t help any that I’ve lost other friends since then. I never lost a friend before him. Some faded away, sure, lots of people have friends they lose contact with, but i had never had someone remove me as their friend before him. No one had ever walked out of my life on purpose. Since him? At least 4 people that I can recall have left my life, usually while hurting me in the process. And it doesn’t take much to hurt me. Simply leaving without giving a reason makes me think I’m a horrible monster that is not allowed to have friends or loved ones.

That little boy is still crying. Still cowering on the floor. He’s not being yelled at. He just assumes it’s all his fault. Because it was always his fault. He trusted and got hurt. And he’s always the one that pushes away everyone by doing something stupid. He can’t fix it, he doesn’t know how. He just begs the friend to not leave him, to stop hurting him. When he gets no answer, anxiety becomes depression. He deserves to hurt. Deserves to be left alone. It’s his fault and he should expect nothing less.

It’s difficult to let the past go when the present keeps forcing me to relive the events and return to being that child. No matter how much my logical brain tries to tell me I’m being an idiot, that kind of logic doesn’t work on children, especially those that are frightened and crying. All you are doing is adding an insult to their intelligence for the list of reasons nobody likes them. And it does add to it. I call myself an idiot for thinking that way and again for doing whatever it is I think caused my friend to stop talking to me.

Every time I bring this up with my friends, they immediately tell me I’m wrong, they were never mad, they can’t possibly be mad over whatever it is at the time. It’s meant to calm me down and reassure me that everything is alright. In my mind, it sounds like lies to get me to stop crying. They just feel sorry for me and are willing to be my friend a little bit longer to find an easier way to leave. Until my emotions go away, there is no consoling me. Once they do go away, I don’t need it, anymore.

I’m either that child or I’m a normal man. There is no in between. Both have the emotion, but the adult can escape into logic. The child has no such luxury.

What will it take to get that child off the floor and dry his eyes?

#depression #anxiety #friendship #self blame #inner child

[depressed-fox]

Friendship Found Wanting

The more I think about it, the worse it gets. What am I supposed to do, though? I can’t suppress my emotions anymore. I can’t give up everything to focus on this one event in my life. And yet, I’m being presented with that choice and I don’t like it.

About a decade ago, i was betrayed by my best friend. I won’t go into too many details here, but the gist of it goes like this:

Friend is gained in 5th grade.

Over the next 10+ years, he becomes my best friend.

Mother kicks friend out of the house for good.

I invite best friend to live with me and my family until her gets himself back on his feet.

Best friend doesn’t like one of my family members.

Ex-Best Friend decides to ruin our lives forever in a way that actually involves police and prison time for a crime not committed.

Ex-Best friend takes off without a word before we find out he did it.

Online correspondence suggests that he not only doesn’t regret what he did but is happy with the outcome and is actually gloating.

I never speak with him ever again and refuse to even let his name be spoken out loud.

To be clear, it was over a decade ago that all of this happened. My family and I are still feeling the effects of this. This person that I trusted so much that I let him into my personal life, into my home, let him eat with my family and NEVER asked him for ANYTHING in return. This person decided to betray that trust and friendship and ruin my life and the lives of my entire family, not just the ones living in that house. It still makes me angry when I let myself think about it.

I suppose that’s the problem. I never let myself think about it. I would rather be doing anything else other than thinking about that event. Because, when I do think about it, I get angry and depressed. I get angry at him for betraying me and at myself for trusting him. I get depressed because my best friend decided to not be friends anymore without warning and even more depressed at what he did to us. And I also feel some anxiety about the kind of person I feel like I’m becoming when I allow myself to think about these things and what I might do to this person if I ever see their face again.

That’s a lot of emotion. No wonder I made that glitchy Right-Brain guy.

We use this thing called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to basically defragment my brain. I hold two things in my hands, she turns on the tiny machine, and it makes them vibrate in pulses, switching from one hand to the other and back. Sounds like a cheap gimmick you might buy from a scam shop, but it works amazingly well. Essentially, those vibrations in your hands trigger a command in your brain to start your Rapid Eye Movement that you normally do automatically while you sleep. This triggers the dream state in your brain, which is what your brain uses to process short-term memories into long-term memories. By focusing on something specific that is troubling you when this machine is activated, you are guiding your brain to a certain starting point. Once it starts taking over, you stop focusing on specific things and just watch, like a dream that you are completely awake for. It’s almost like a movie that is playing in your mind. These visions are your brain processing the memories that are causing your emotional problems. It’s very commonly used for people with PTSD.

Anyway... In my last counseling session, an interesting vision appeared to me. I was focusing on the above mentioned memory and suddenly I was in a black void. Right-Brain was joined by Left-Brain, a blue and ghostly version of myself, representing my logical half. They were both questioning and yelling at a cardboard cutout version of my ex-best friend, essentially trying to get blood from a stone. They expected answers and were not happy to get nothing. Suddenly I was the one being yelled at, and I was shrinking. Then I was standing off to the side, again, and watched the two of them fiercely interrogate a child version of myself. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Suddenly, I was done idly watching. I didn’t care if it ruined the vision or not, I couldn’t take watching the two of them abuse that child like that and I forced the vision version of myself to step between them, make sure the child me was alright, and start yelling at them for blaming the child for everything that my ex-best friend did. Child me was frightened by those two, but comforted by vision me. The other two had finally shut up and seemed to be listening to me. That’s where the vision was forced to end, since we were out of time.

I’ve been thinking about that vision a lot. That child... what exactly does he represent? Innocence? Trust? The old me, before the betrayal? Regardless who that is, I have to find a way to stop them from hurting him. If that’s where all of my pain and suffering is coming from, I have to keep him safe. I understand it’s only a dream representation of something else, but I need to do whatever I have to do to change that situation.

I can’t keep living like this.

#depression #anxiety #betrayal #friends

[depressed-fox]

Universal Appeal

The worst part about depression isn’t how it affects you; it’s how it affects your whole life and the people you care the most about. I am currently feeling a pretty strong depression spike, right now. Same reason as before. At this exact moment, it is affecting my college work. I might have to put my classes on hold while I sort this out, otherwise I might fail two classes. In the morning, when my girlfriend and her daughter wake up, it will start to affect them. My poor mood will shine through and they will begin to worry about me. The daughter will have to run off to school. My girlfriend and I will be going out. I have a counselor’s appointment which will hopefully help me.

Whether it helps or not, she will be worried about me. She will likely blame herself for my problems if I don’t tell her what is wrong and will definitely hate that she can’t help me when I do. Either way it will hurt her. She will try to show strength by comforting me and doing things for me. All the while, she has her own emotional problems to deal with. Neither of us can properly help the other while we are the ones needing help. Still, as they say, misery loves company. Crying together can help.

I would do almost anything to just remove this depression and anxiety that we have and never get it back. I have a birthday to plan. I don’t need to be worrying about grades and emotions. I need to be able to focus and be happy. I don’t want my default emotional position to be just above drowning in my own tears.

#depression #drowning #friends #i need a hug #so tired