#Mission mishaps

[nobodysdaydreams]

Okay, now they REALLY gotta drop the Jacobi duck-related lore 🦆 (and I need to stop holding out hope Blessie will return 😔💔)

(Or my reaction to Wolf359’s Mission Mishap Episodes).

Welcome back dear readers! My schedule has been busy lately, but the Mission Mishap episodes were mercifully short, so I’ve been listening to a few episodes per week and have gathered my reactions here for you all to enjoy.

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom

Also tagging @lovelyladylavie because I promised I’d tag you way back on this post and forgot (I’m so sorry!) but my reactions are all under the tag so you should be able to find them!

Mission Mishaps: A Little Night Music

"Not fully reading your contract before you sign it...not understanding your job responsibilities, and wanting commander off your back" I love Doug's sponsorships and the dramatic irony 😂 *Cue The Fine Print playing in the background...*

I guess the only actor they could get was Doug. Nice of him to fill us in on what Minkowski and Hera are saying though.

OH MY GOSH.

HIS VOICE.

DR. DR. PROFESSOR DR. PROFESSOR F. EIFFEL 😂

It's so fancy. Mannnyyyy PhDs. Very impressive, Doug.

I'm so happy we got more radio show Doug. I need to hear him do a radio show where all his personalities talk to each other. Being the special guest on the show is Cutter's punishment for all eternity. The Dear Listeners make 5 copies of Doug so he can be all the characters.

"The feeling you'll die miserably..." yikes, broke character for a second there Doug.

"Ah yes...the way the piano notes dance around the...other piano notes...absolutely fantastic piece for when you want to start your day with the paino-y energy" Well said Doug.

Oh boy. Cowboy music. Is this the return of Badass McAwesome? Do I dare to hope?

Ah, well, better luck next time.

His poor toe. I hate when that happens too, Doug.

The...mind eraser?

Don't like how that sounds. Especially after the threats in "Change of Mind".

Better not be foreshadowing.

"This song is a mutant, it's superpower is being catchy. It never leaves."

Okay, THAT better not be foreshadowing.

"Afraid of the plant monster?" I wish we could be, Doug. I wish we could be. 😔🪴

"Worried you'll never get back to Earth to see you're family?" Oh, Doug. 💔

"Bosses you're pretty sure are kind of evil" Kind of is generous Doug.

Yeah...yeah Doug that got very dark there for a bit.

Moral boosting? Oh dear. MUTE 😂 AFTER TWO MINUTES 😂

I love Doug. Poor fellow. I enjoyed the broadcast Doug. They don't appreciate your talents.

Mission Mishaps: The Space You’re In

I love the title’s double meaning.

More of Doug dodging his work I see. A common theme.

“Please stop going off on tangents” I guess Cutter and Pryce didn’t send them up with any ADHD meds. “I’m here for work 😊” Nice cover, Doug. 👍🏻 nailed it.

“I’m gonna get that thing that I forgot”. You do that Doug.

How did I know Doug was gonna break something? 🤣

Specimen incubation period??? BLESSIE????

How dare they tease us with Blessie lore?

Good question Doug. Why IS there a harpoon?

Doug literally has no where to hide. 🤣

Oh right. Space. Why do I see that backfiring?

PFFTTT—- Did she just call him a lizard? 🦎

“It’s beautiful” -> “I hate space” poor Doug. I’m sensing a pattern 🤣

Mission Mishaps: You Want, I Solve Ah Doug stealing coffee from Minkowski. Once again, I sense a pattern.

Wait. A puppy? 🥰🐕‍🦺🐾

“The mean lady who runs this place” really Doug? You did just steal her coffee.

2 tails? Well, twice the wagging, I see that as a win. 🥰

Follow him Doug!

IS ZACH VALENTI DOING THE VOICE OF THE DOG?

AS SMEGOL AND GOLLUM FROM LORD OF THE RINGS?

AND IS DOUG HALLUCINATING FROM THE COFFEE???

The dogs are multiplying? David Bowie is here? Okay Doug is hallucinating for sure.

Ah hello Hilbert.

Why is he treating the manual like it’s the ring? 🤣

Well. That was weird.

Oh, Hilbert. All to get Doug to bond with the manual.

And yet something tells me he still won’t read it. It does sound like he might be cuddling with it at night and killing anyone who tries to take it from him though. Mildly concerning. Mission Mishaps: The Veldt Oh my gosh. The episode description. Eiffel goes into the greenhouse… y’all. I don’t wanna get my hopes up, but…

IS THIS BLESSIE CONTENT???? 🪴

I’m so excited guys. I don’t wanna get my hopes up, I know I shouldn’t, but I need Blessie back!

So Doug is doing his chores again. I sense a pattern.

He does a great Australian accent. Again, I need the aliens to clone Doug just so he can have a show where his different personalities talk to each other. Hm. Oxygen chamber has a lot of passwords. And a lot of weird ways to enter passwords. Which is nice for protecting the air, but not so great when you, you know, desperately need air and only have a few seconds to enter the password.

The binary forms of color? This is so extreme not to mention boring. Not one sign of Blessie. I’ve been bamboozled. And WHY is there a timer? This is so weird.

THAT’S IT?

Well I’m upset. We went to the greenhouse and didn’t see leaf or stem of Blessie. 💔

I’m not giving up hope. If not in the show then in fanfic that plant is coming back.

Mission Mishaps: Lights Out

Another entry from dear Doug. I wonder if Minkowski and Hilbert are gonna have him do something he doesn’t want to and then hijinks ensues and Doug messes something up?

HP Lovecraft, Call of Kuthulu? Oh me too Doug stuff is hard to pronounce.

Doug does a good creepy narrator voice. It’s funny to think of Hera listening to all this. It reminds me of those people on Lovelace’s crew reading stories together.

“Property of Dr….”

DOCTOR WHO? (A good show, but I’m literally asking the question).

Is it that girl on Lovelace’s crew who liked to read? (I’m sorry it’s hard to keep track of their names).

Ah yes, and the star is acting up. As is Doug’s imagination. I’m sure this couldn’t possibly go wrong.

Hilbert. What sample? What escaped?

I’m not getting my hopes up this time. You teased me with Blessie once. I’m not falling for it again. I’ve been burned before.

It just sounds like a little mouse. 🐁

…I hope it’s not one of the spiders… I’m now beginning to realize Doug’s fears…

“It’s small and scurrying”

Is it a mouse?

Doug, it’s probably just a mouse. “It’s staring at me.” Well it’s probably scared too, Doug.

Doug, you better not have killed that poor little mouse.

You killed the maintenance drone Doug? Well that was a wild ride. At first I thought they weren’t gonna go the “Doug messes up a thing Hilbert and Minkowski are doing” route but they always surprise me with their ability to bring it back there. Not that I’m complaining, I’m loving these stories. Mission Mishaps: Cold Turkey More Doug! Wow. 553 days. That’s… that’s a lot.

Thanksgiving? Is this the same Thanksgiving from Hera’s memory? 🦃

Banned from the kitchen? Oh poor, Doug. Was Hilbert not available? I guess he’s Russian so he doesn’t celebrate it. But he can probably cook.

Doug is just like me fr. Don’t ask my partner what happened when I tried to make him food. All you need to know was that I tried my best, and it’s the thought that counts.

Doug is gonna burn this Turkey. I know the actress was probably busy and these are “extra” episodes, but Hera please come online and help him.

Oh gross. Cans of spam? Disgusting.

Right, maybe Hilbert can do something. But on the other hand, Hilbert and Eiffel can make each other worse. And what was that about psychoactive properties? What was Hilbert exposed to?

“Can I give indifference? I have plenty of that.” Yes, Hilbert, you made that very clear.

“Oh well if I have to “come on”.” “Really!” “No.” Hilbert is lowkey hilarious 🤣 “I like pecan pie…maybe thanksgiving is not so terrible.” 🥧

I love how Hilbert sounds like he’s plotting something ominous even when he’s just talking about pie. 🤣

But seriously, why was he in Texas? He never answered that.

“The best way to keep him away from the kitchen was to put you in charge” oh poor Doug. She was right though.

Aw, this is sweet. I like how it connects to what we saw in Hera’s memories too.

Mission Mishaps: No Complaints Aw man, SI-5? What happened to Doug?

First they take Blessie from me then they force me to spent time with his killers.

Well gang, I guess it’s time for the adventures of Whiskey Man and Duck Boy.

Wow. Sitting in a car and brooding in the rain. An action packed adventure if I’ve ever heard one.

Oh wait, are they stalking Maxwell? They said she was from a small town.

“Did you stalk me?” Yes, he did Jacobi. Kepler was acting so creepy at that bar, I’m sorry. What even was that?

“I really hate you sometimes sir. ✨You’re the worst✨” oh Duck Boy you have no idea.

THE DUCK THING? OH NO PLEASE TELL US ABOUT THE DUCK THING.

What video. WHAT VIDEO.

Please tell us why Jacobi is brooding and PLEASE tell us about the duck video.

Jacobi taught him questions only? Wow he really does love to dig his own grave.

Kepler is not your friend Jacobi. If you think he is, you… gosh you really need to meet somebody. Anybody.

All this complaining… Jacobi really is the evil version of Doug sometimes…

What was on Jacobi’s mind? What did Rachel think was on his mind? Oh, his one year recruitment.

Nothing good ever comes out of a mysterious duffel bag. Why does he have all those fireworks?

When your evil boss takes you on a fake stake out and gives you some fireworks to blow up because he knows you crave destruction: 💣🎆🥰🎇🧨😍

I like that they play fireworks sounds as they roll the credits. It’s a nice touch. Mission Mishaps: Happy Holidays Already down to the last one. Time flies when you’re having fun. Oh more SI-5. Hopefully a little less Whiskey Boy, a little more Duck related lore.

Oh no such luck. :(

Geez, Kepler really does love flexing every single bit of power that he has, doesn’t he? Just get to the point already! Why couldn’t he have been the one to go instead of Maxwell?

“Oh no! Not a binary fault in the quartical… um… that’s bad!” Duck Boy stop being funny I don’t want to like you.

Not Kepler’s slow claps… I swear this man is infatuated with the idea of being a super villain.

What are they afraid of?

…

A holiday party?

the evil space corporation has a HOLIDAY PARTY?

For what holiday? Cutter and Pryce clearly hate holidays. They’ve ordered people killed on nearly every holiday we’ve seen! … actually maybe that’s their way of making the holidays their own… and it makes me wonder who they want to kill at this party. Jacobi and Maxwell have a right to be concerned about this.

“We don’t ask questions. We trust that we were given orders for a reason.” THAT ONLY WORKS IF YOU ARE WORKING FOR TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLE. And committing or endorsing murder takes you off the trustworthy list.

The idea of Cutter and Pryce celebrating Christmas disgusts me. Like, physically I have a hard time stomaching it. Christmas is about joy, and love, and goodwill toward mankind. Cutter and his crazy science gf have no place involving themselves in that. Not unless they show some serious remorse and do some serious penance and jail time.

SECRET SANTA EXCHANGE?

What kind of horrifying messed up gifts do people get each other? I hope Jacobi gets a pet duck.

… Maxwell’s mom died? “We all know you don’t talk to your mom” “…my mom just died?” “No Jacobi.” STOP BEING FUNNY.

Compare this to the holiday stuff that happens with the Hephaestus… this has such a creepy undertone. Especially when you imagine the events happening at the same time.

Well, that’s all for the Mission Mishaps. Sorry it took me so long guys, but I love and appreciate your patience. Excited to finish the rest of the series and hopefully I’ll have more for you soon!

#bods wolf359 reactions #wolf 359 #w359 #wolf359 reactions #alana maxwell #warren kepler #daniel jacobi #doug eiffel #renee minkowski #alexander hilbert #Wolf359 #wolf 359 podcast #wolf 359 spoilers #Mission mishaps #wolf359 #hera wolf 359

[antvnger]

Wait… could you please tell the story of the ice blue fingernail polish. I’ve never heard this one.

Okay so there was this one time where I was assigned to do this covert stakeout on this potential drug dealer, and he was the type along the lines of the Godfather if ya know what I mean. Money, influence, lots of strings to pull, and lots of dirty fingers in cookie jars.

Well I followed this guy into his big ass mansion house and was getting all the dirt and info on him, and one of the things he did was get into a…discussion with his stereotypical ditzy rich kid teenage daughter. I made the mistake of hiding on her makeup vanity table thingy because there were lots of stuff on it so there were places to hide. But then she sat down at it and turned the lights on it that were on the mirror and those lights are bright. Like 30 different spotlights turned on, and I felt like I was suddenly more in the open.

So the girl had this black fuzzy like…I dunno I guess it was like a makeup thing or a hair accessory or whatever and I hide behind that. Right as I do that, the girl notices the black fuzzy thing move. She banshee shrieks, thinking I’m a spider, and sweeps me and the fuzzy thing away from her. And she swept with all her might.

And why a teenager would leave a bottle of fingernail polish open is beyond me, but somehow, someway, and not in a million years could she do that again if she tried, where did I land after she swept me? You guessed it. Into that stupid ice blue nail polish. 

A once in a million shot and she made it. And that stuff is as bad as glitter. Do you know how hard it was to clean myself without leaving ice blue traces of a tiny dude all across that house?! It’s a wonder I got out without getting caught. And! I got all the info I was after too!

#ask scott lang #scott lang #ant-man #oldmanwithashield #mission mishaps #headcanon #ice blue nail polish #nail polish #ant man #antman

[glolyst]

There is something I cherish deeply abt characters who are smart but absolute idiots

#wolf 359 #w359 #doug eiffel #douglas eiffel #artists on tumblr #wolf 359 fanart #referencing the Mission Mishaps: You Want I Solve bcs hilbert ‘chemically #incentivizes eiffel to bond w his manual #it’s so silly #repost bcs I forgot things I wanted to add lmao

[hedonistbyheart]

Initiate - Padawan - Knight - Master

Qui-Gon Jinn through the years.

#star wars #star wars fanart #qui-gon jinn #qui gon jinn #my art #I bet he is hiding bugs in his sleeves in at least half of these lol #also i have a hc about his padawan hair vs what we see in totj aka his knight cut: #I imagine a mishap on a mission where both his ponytail and braid is cut off. He's obviously upset but dooku is like 'psh it's only hair - #you needed a haircut anyway! and besides you're almost a knight stop crying'' #thus still-padawan qui having no braid in totj

[acollectionofcuriousreblogs]

“Why give thanks? Can I give indifference?”

-Dr. Alexander Hilbert on the subject of Thanksgiving. AKA, a line that has been rotating in my head since I heard it.

#I love this funky old man so much #w359 #wolf 359 #alexander hilbert #dr hilbert #quotes #this is from the Mission Mishaps: Cold Turkey episode btw #The quote might not be completely accurate either but it’s the general gist

[imawriternotamagican]

Band Director: How do you know so much classical music?

Me:

#wolf 359 #doug eiffel #alexander hilbert #podcasts #memes #Mission Mishaps: A Little Night Music

[blurrycow]

“I know everything about you” okay thats gay

#warren kepler #daniel jacobi #wolf 359 #mission mishaps: no complaints #I decided to listen to it #Because I’ve heard its gay #And because i listened to 46 and now im sad #Jacobi oh my god dude you are seething with homosexual rage

[b4kuch1n]

#raihan is also in command track (stubbornly staying on as leon's Number One instead of grabbing a captain chair for himself) well gonna be obsessed w this idea for the rest of forever

oh me too lol I've been thinking some abt what kinda dynamics would be going on and what everyone would be doing on a space ship... raihan's thing in the game's that he's very proactive and concerned with shaping the community he's involved in and he's got an organizational mind leon lacks, so raihan's one of the foremost candidates to actively refuse a promotion if he feels his work where he is isn't done yet. it'd also probably make him really happy that when starfleet tries to pull him towards more, uh, impactful postings he gets to ask them "okay so you don't think ecological restoration is important" and hang up while they're fumbling for an answer

anyways I've decided it'd be best if the crew happens around a bit post-TNG timeline and raihan gets s1-5 deanna troi's neckline

#pokemon #swsh #gonna think up a tag for this later #gym leader raihan #ask #what Im thinking rn is the crew's on a science vessel that's basically first dib for wildlife rescue and ecological aid missions #raihan got it as a second posting and has stuck with it ever since #while leon captained a flagship until a really ugly diplomatic mishap that wouldve moved him to admiralcy against his will #but raihan's previous captain coincidentally left right then and raihan was like oh so we happen to lack a captain here!! #and him and leon basically conspiracied leon onto the ship #which is how a science vessel netted one of the most important strategic minds across three different intergalactic conflicts #(leon raihan and sonia are definitely academy friends too they lost track of each others for a While) #Im gonna draw the senior officers at least I think. still wobbling on a number of them but I wanna. do it. #man its actually super fun thinking abt this. I love doing this. I should do this more #gonna add it to my schedule

[corniart]

Jacobi brain rot hours only 😜

Here’s the video that inspired it all

#wolf 359 #corni art #daniel jacobi #warren kepler #si 5 #mission mishaps: happy holidays #I’m sorry maxwell for not drawing you comics are so hard to do #comic

[annabelle--cane]

You have single handedly reignited my interest in wolf 359 I’m staring it over from the beginning so hopefully I finish this time

HEHEHEHE

#protip for finishing: skip the mission mishap mini eps at the end they aren't relevant like the other bonus content #circle back to them afterwards and enjoy them as their own thing #wolf 359 #attemptatsarcasm #answered

[curiositykilledtheradiostar]

Thinking about the dynamic between Cutter/Newman and kid Pryce. How fucking insane must that have been. What did he even do with her, does this man know how to take care of a child??? Would he have brought her with him to work at Goddard? Did she spend all day in the tech labs pointing out errors in other people's work? We were fucking robbed someone get Urbina on the line I need answers

#what I wouldn't give for a mission mishap and it's Goddard take your kid to work day and it's Newman and kid Pryce #marcus cutter #miranda pryce #wolf 359 #brought to you by the TMA fic I'm reading where the Eye makes kid Jon an avatar and then Elias ends up nabbing him then rapidly realizing #that he is not equipped to take care of a child. let alone a traumatized autistic child with supernatural powers #curio chatter

[officerdougeiffel]

I love the last 6 ish episodes of w359 because it'll be the most anxiety inducing, horribly violent, no fucking idea how anyone is gonna survive this episode and then you press next episode and it's eiffel cooking thanksgiving dinner

#mission mishaps are the only reason I am sane #wolf 359 #wolf 359 spoilers

[northwestofinsanity]

Good morning, everybody…

Freakin’ egg, man!

#guess who just had a mishap with an egg going from the kitchen counter to the floor? #<the floor I just mopped last night in my big cleaning-house before leaving town mission… #I can’t even right now #😂 #I’m losing it y’all! #it’s frencho fryo time and we haven’t even made it to 7:30 AM yet! #Freakin’ A! #pardon my insanity #insanity post

[emacrow]

Aquaman was only patrolling the ocean, not expecting a baby mer swimming with the whales along the way.

It one of the few things he would like to do in his free time is to help the ocean sea with minor problems, a seal having his neck stuck with a plastic can holder, a a couple shark with a hook stuck to her fin/nose or tailfin, a couple of trapped rare fish in poacher traps.

He wasn't expecting a small group of whales, mainly a momma whale and two Baby whales to swim by singing their song while hunting a vast enormous group of krills.

Only to hear a tiny little baby mer singing along with them. It was a boy, with chubby lil arms, a beautiful trails of sparkling white and neon green color, fade gray and black tips mer tailwind. A fainted trail of electric shock probably from a mishap by jellyfish tracing from one of his chubby hand down to his body.

Hair white as snow, eyes greener then the grass on land, tanned skin and a odd sliver mechanism purple clock on a necklace that was ticking slowly despite being in deep underwater.

Arthur was going to get closer but the Momma whale Block his view using her vast body after she noticed him getting closer, the two Baby whales hiding behind her along with the baby mer.

Meanwhile Danny as clockwork apprentice until he grows into his state as the ruler of ghost realm and away from noisy observators has been on a mission to keep the timeline in check in other dimensions. Clockwork insisted this form would do the trick

#dp x dc crossover #dpxdc #dc x dp #danny phantom #dc x dp prompt #dp x dc #de aged danny #dcxdp #mer may #mer danny #Aquaman

[cloudwisp]

Satoru falling in love means you're the only thing he ever thinks about. Even when he's focused on a mission, he can't help but have you on his mind and wonder what you're doing back home. Sometimes when he's treating the first-year students out for dinner, he ends up thinking about you. About what you might be needing. His thoughts tend to wander to you in every waking moment of his life—you alone consume his every thought and he welcomes it. But when he finds a pretty looking pastry sitting on his desk in his office, his heart suddenly swells three times its size and he grins like an absolute lovesick fool because that means you are thinking of him too.

Satoru falling in love means losing sleep just so you both can continue talking and laughing to the later hours of the night. He’s captivated by your every movement, both large and small. It’s in the warmth of your touch when you trace words and patterns over his chest, the sweet stretch of your lips and the cute giggle that follows after when he says something stupid, when you spend a few quiet moments gazing into his beautiful eyes and he feels like someone could truly love him for him. Then comes that feeling when he holds you close, and the world fades out around you and him. That feeling when you’re together and it’s just the two of you, nothing else matters.

Satoru falling in love means he enjoys even the most mundane parts of a relationship. Taking a warm bubble bath together to unwind after a long and stressful day, going grocery shopping and cooking a nice meal where he’s the reason for so many mishaps, getting ready for bed while goofing around and stealing kisses every now and then. His favorite is when you’re sitting on the couch reading/watching something, and he’s resting his head on your lap as your fingers absentmindedly run through his hair. He’d get a starry-eyed idea and make a copy of his apartment key and wait for the perfect opportunity to ask you to move in with him to begin the sharing of your lives.

#ᨳ ₊˚ 𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐝𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐩.𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐬 #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #gojo x you #satoru x reader #satoru x you #gojo fluff #jjk gojo satoru #jjk x reader #jjk imagines #jujutsu kaisen

[marvelfilth]

Family dinner

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x f!reader, Kate Bishop x Yelena Belova, platonic!Kate Bishop x f!reader

Warnings: a very poor attempt at humour

Summary: your best friend Kate needs backup after a mishap with Yelena's family

Masterlist

“I need you here yesterday!”

“What?” You whisper-shout, looking around the office to make sure no one noticed you ducking away to take a call from your best friend.

“Please, I'm desperate! I can't do this alone, they're like sharks and I just spilled blood!”

“Kate, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Yelena's family! They're scary as shit on a good day, but now we messed up real bad, and I think they're gonna decapitate me,” she whines.

“Okay, let's backtrack. What did you do?”

“...”

“Kate?”

There's shuffling on the other side, a deep sigh and then, “Melina found the handcuffs. With the fur. They were still attached to the bed.”

You snort, loud enough to attract annoyed looks from your coworkers. “Happens to the best of-”

“And the whip. It was on the bed too.”

You chortle, this time not caring about your surroundings, and swiftly move further down the hall. “She knows Yelena's a big girl, she can ha-”

“Natasha was there too!”

You stop in your tracks. Now that's interesting.

“She'll never let you forget it,” you say with all the confidence you have, even though you've never met the woman before. You know just enough from what Kate and Yelena told you to be sure of that.

“She's not letting me forget it now! She got all sneaky and secretive, whispering with Melina and looking at me, and now I'm on my way to a family dinner. A family dinner with my girlfriend's family, while said girlfriend got called away on some emergency mission,” she huffs angrily.

“There's no emergency mission, is there?”

“There better be!”

You chuckle, shaking your head. It's never a boring day with Kate Bishop.

“So,” she starts, aiming for a nonchalant tone, “I'm downstairs.”

“What?”

“Yep. Waiting for you at the front. Better hurry, parking is expensive as hell.”

“Kate.”

“I'm your bestie. And my girlfriend's mom found the handcuffs. I need you.”

You check the time, noting that the workday is nowhere near it's end. With a sigh, you head for the elevator, not even bothering to come back for your bag.

“I love you.”

“I haven't agreed to-”

“I know what that sigh means!”

You groan. “Yeah, yeah. You owe me.”

×××

Turns out, Yelena's family is even scarier then you imagined.

“So, Y/n,” Melina starts, looking at you like you're one of her lab rats, “Do you usually leave your… sexual… stuff after you're done?”

You turn red, choking on the wine. Kate sends you a look of pity.

Natasha smirks.

“I don't… I'm not sure- Um. Well, no.”

Melina hums, nodding to herself. “Good.”

She digs into her food, and you exhale in relief, feeling like the worst part is over.

“So where do you keep your stuff, Y/n?” Natasha asks over the rim of her glass, her eyes full of mischief.

Kate slides lower in her seat, boring holes into her fork.

Melina perks up, once again regarding you like one of her subjects. “I would also like to know. To pass the advice to my daughter and her girlfriend.”

You gulp.

“Well?” Natasha prompts.

You shudder from the intensity of the look she's giving you.

“Can we move on?” Kate whispers, looking around nervously.

“Yes, of course,” Melina nods, her eyes lighting up like she was waiting for a subject change.

Natasha sends Kate an amused smile, and you relax slightly. Now the worst part is over, you're sure.

“So, Y/n-”

Fuck.

“-are you single?”

You nod, shoving a forkful of some meat salad - which mostly consists of mayonnaise - to avoid talking.

“And you're gay, correct?” Melina asks, peering into your very soul.

You nod again, chewing fast.

“Why are you gay?”

You choke on a piece of potato, wheezing and reaching for a glass of water. Kate almost falls of her chair in haste to smack you on the back. Natasha just looks at her mother, unimpressed. “Really?”

“What?” Melina shrugs. “I'm a scientist, I'm conducting research.”

The redhead groans, rubbing her eyes. “Of course.”

You feel a little better now that Natasha is annoyed.

Melina still looks at you, expecting an answer.

You sigh, “Are you gay?”

She blinks, looking like an owl. Natasha chokes on a laugh, sending you a look of appreciation. Kate mutters something about bathroom and darts out of the room, hopefully to call Yelena and fix all this mess.

“Well,” Melina starts, deep in thought. “I suppose I've never given it much of a thought.”

You nod, feeling accomplished in swaying attention from yourself.

“Natasha.” The older woman turns abruptly. “You are gay.”

The redhead groans, sliding down in her seat. “Mother, please.”

“She's gay, and you're gay. You're both miserably single.”

“Huh?” You frown, affronted.

“Fuck my life,” Natasha mumbles into the table, her face pressed tight against it in a feeble effort of disappearing.

“Yelena's on her way!” Kate walks back into the room, triumphant.

“Finally,” you sigh, pointedly looking at the ceiling to avoid Melina's penetrative gaze. “Where's she, by the way?”

“Hiding, probably,” Natasha snorts, shaking her head. “Escaped the scene of crime and left her girlfriend to pick up the mess.” She raises her glass in Kate's general direction, “You're doing good so far, Bishop. Even brought reinforcement - good thinking.”

“Yes-yes,” Melina nods, her eyes darting between you three. “Yelena's a bit of a coward in that regard, but we have an important matter to discuss.”

Natasha glares at her mother. “No, we don-”

“Natasha can cook. Well, she can microwave.”

“What did I miss?” Kate frowns, settling back into her seat. “Actually, no. I don't want to know.”

“As I was saying,” Melina clears her throat, paying no mind to the murderous look Natasha sends her. You'd feel gleeful at that - Natasha's plan came back to bite her in the ass - if you weren't the other victim in this scenario. “Natasha can cook. She's excellent with knives. She's an excellent shot. She can dismantle a bomb in a matter of seconds. She's a… a catch.”

You smile at the miserable expression on Natasha's face, her cheeks dusted with pink.

“Oh…” Kate whispers, looking at you from the corner of her eye. “Well, actually, Y/n is-” she yelps loudly when your heel connects with her toes, and turns bright red at the shooting pain. “-a bitch. She's a bitch.”

The look in Melina's eyes turns gleeful. “That was excellent.”

Fucking hell, no matter what you do, your grave turns deeper and deeper.

Natasha snorts, chugging her wine like it's water. Melina's mouth opens again, and you say a stupid thing to save yourself from further embarrassment.

“Can we go back to Kate's handcuffs, please,” you mutter with a sigh.

The look of betrayal your friend sends you doesn't work the way she intended, because you don't feel guilty at all.

Melina's mouth snaps shut, her eyes widening. The sight alone tells you you said the wrong thing.

“Have you and Kate ever-”

“No!” you both shout, before the older woman can finish the question.

“Sounds defensive,” Natasha chuckles, reaching for the bottle of vodka.

“Wha- What?” You hiss, glaring at the spy.

“She's- Y/n’s not even my type! And I'm not her type either!” Kate splutters.

“Mhm,” Natasha hums, “that I can see.”

You gape, not sure if you're supposed to be offended. “What?”

Natasha smirks, planting her chin on her fist. “You need a firm hand. Your best friend is anything, but firm.”

Her eyes trail down your body, pupils darkening ever so slightly. Your cheeks burn and, suddenly, it's hard to breathe. You clear your throat and gulp down the last of your wine, carefully avoiding her gaze.

“O-okay. That's- okay, yep,” Kate mutters to herself. “Fuck my life.”

“Am I wrong?” Natasha husks, reaching across the table to play with the golden bracelet on your wrist.

Really, right in front of her mother?

The front door opens with a loud bang, and you jump up, relieved to see Yelena. The feeling doesn't last long, because a second later you notice the bleeding wound on her torso.

“So that was an actual mission,” you mumble, missing the way Natasha snorts in your haste to get Yelena to the couch.

Kate looks pale, but swiftly starts helping Yelena undress. Melina's ready with the first aid kid by the time they finally tear off the shirt.

“So?” Natasha whispers into your ear, sending goosebumps down your skin. “Am I wrong?”

Apparently, not even her bleeding sister can stop her.

“No,” you reply, “you're not wrong.”

She hums, satisfied. “I am miserably single, you know?"

You let out a loud laugh, not even bothering to quiet down when Yelena sends you a murderous look.

“I am miserably single, too.”

She smiles, nodding to herself.

“Want to fix that?” She asks after a bit, her eyes glinting in the soft evening light.

“They'll never shut up about it,” you groan, stepping closer to her.

“Yeah,” she hums, her grin stretching wider. “So?”

"A little help?" Yelena wheezes, glaring daggers at the two of you. "Hello? Your sister is dying."

“Yes,” you reply, not taking your eyes away from her green pools.

“Perfect,” she breathes, before pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of your mouth. “I'll pick you up tomorrow at six.”

"Fucking unbelievable," Yelena mutters and yelps when Melina shushes her with a pinch and a hissed "don't ruin my hard work".

Kate just looks like she's about to faint.

You grin. "I can't wait."

#natasha romanoff x fem!reader #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #black widow x you #black widow x reader #black widow x female reader #family dinner