#It's shocking to me that this is a controversial position to be honest

[b-a-pigeon]

Here's what I've been up to lately, other than moving!

Working (editing) a lot, but I think this big contract I started last month is actually a scam :')

Listening to audiobooks. In the past month-ish: half of Braiding Sweetgrass; The Unbroken and The Faithless; The Archive Undying; a few chapters of Eye of the World*

Not writing but thinking about writing. I'm not feeling ready to commit to any of the big projects (Heirloom or Rose Garden) but I'm still posting Heirloom vignettes monthly on Patreon and vaguely considering a Rose Garden prequel about elves (??) which would probably also be for Patreon

Also thinking a lot about rebranding/starting over/new pen name/etc. No real moves on that because I need to find time to write before I find time to worry about those things, but it is a goal for this year!

*Resisting the urge to give my opinions on all of these but I will say that audio is probably not the medium for Archive Undying and, controversially, Wheel of Time seems pretty derivative thus far, which is fine, because I would like to keep to my streak of not reading any Branderson Sanderson books

#I would def pirate any brando sando work I decided to read btw. Mormon church is NOT getting my money!! #It's shocking to me that this is a controversial position to be honest

[derfpossessions]

Rented You Out - Part 1

Ever tried on a suit? Perhaps borrowed someone else's? Or you could've gotten it from a Suit Rental? Well let me tell you about a story of a man, whose body LITERALLY got rented out. So grab your ☕️, grab your 😸, because it's about to get WILD from here, well at least for our main boy.

Meet Denholm Gauthier, the 18-year old boy in 12th Grade, ready to graduate in a few months, but still have no decisions towards what to do in his life. He is a well-loved and kind student at his high school, and as the leader of the Football team and President of the Student Council, oh he's got it all. Plus, he's the class Valedictorian. So why is he such in a lost position? He had always seeked purpose in his life, though no one seemed to give him a damn since he's literally a privileged, handsome white dude. Everyone's got their own shit. To everyone's surprise, Denholm once mentioned that he didn’t want his life AT ALL, to which everyone got outraged about, saying “WHY NOT?!?”. Well, with this story unfolding, I guess I can say he found his purpose.

Chapter 1: Kidnapped

And so we begin. It was psychology class and the classroom was having a heated debate about the human mind and body. It escalated between the nerds too much that a fight could’ve broke out but thanks to Denholm it was de-escalated fast.

“It’s fine Mr Watkins, this topic was a bit controversial if I’m going to be honest with you. But I believe that our human minds are its own unique ways, and one could never be another person.”, he stated as he made the others calm down.

“Well that’s what you thought.” The quiet kid said. His name was Stanley. He’s the kid that sits in so much envy while watching Denholm rise up in the podium of popularity. He was always jealous of him. He wanted to live like him. Heck, he wanted to be him.

“What was that bro?” Denholm politely asked. Stanley didn’t replied, so Denholm’s just shrugged it off and packed his bag.

Lunchtime was up, and Denholm ate with Markus, who’s his childhood and best friend. Denholm long knew then that Markus likes other men, but Markus never really showed him that he wanted Denholm to be more than friends. Though with that said, Denholm is a very liberal person, and of course, a straight ally, which is not what Markus wanted but more than enough to keep them as friends.

“Hey bro! What’s up?” Denholm excitingly said to Markus.

“Nothing much, just tired of life as always.” Markus said.

“Why’s that so? You have friends and family!” Denholm replied.

“Well I don’t want this life. So stressful and so pressured. I wish I could be just as charismatic and attractive and NORMAL as YOUR life!” Markus said with a raising voice.

“Wha… is that what you feel about my life?” Denholm was shocked. Markus raised his voice on him again, which he typically does to cover his feelings of desire towards him. It’s really hard for a gay man like Markus to try and not fall face flat with his feelings towards straight boy hottie Denholm.

“You know my life isn’t easy too. I wish I could live as simpler as any other person.” Denholm sighed.

“Oh I’m sorry..” , Markus said. Denholm hugged him, and so the feelings came in again. Markus’ manhood was rising a little bit high that time, but not too high for Denholm to notice. It was almost like Markus wanted to kiss him on the spot, but he didn’t forgot his dignity and so he didn’t do it.

There was a student council meeting afterschool, so Denholm had to leave the last period early. While walking down the hallway, he saw a black van parallel parking in the lot. It was quite peculiar to see a car parking at that time. He wanted to investigate it but was running late for the meeting, so he ignored it.

The meeting had finally ended. Denholm separated with his classmates because his locker was at the other exit of the school, and now, he’s secured from the hands of evil. “I love you.”, said by Denholm to his girlfriend as he leaves the school through the back exit. As he was leaving, the black van he suspected earlier, was open. He was grabbed by two men wearing balaclavas and shoved him into the backseat.

Denholm tried to talk but his voice was muffled caused by the tape on his mouth. A silhouette of a teenager was seen from the car mirror, but that teenager quickly turned it away to get prevented from being seen. Helpless, Denholm tried everything he can to get unleashed, but it was no use. The two men started injecting something on his back, it wasn’t a syringe, rather a sharp wired material that penetrated his spine, and later his whole body. As he was agonizing in pain, the kid from the front seat was giggling, enticed to see the pain Denholm was going through. They then started to dig down his back even further, almost as if they were cutting it wide open like a zipper. As he can no longer tolerate the pain, Denholm passed out from exhaustion.

Chapter 2: I Am My Bestie

Nightfall came, and Denholm’s parents were very worried. His girlfriend along with his father seeked help from the police, to which they saw the van that took him away. Markus, who thought that the men might have put Denholm captive at school, drove straight there during the night.

To by his surprise, he saw Denholm lying down in the locker room. He screamed, “DENHOLM!!” As he tried waking him up. He tried to lift his body upwards but noticed something strange. His body was a little lightweight.. almost hollow.

As Markus went to see Denholm’s face, his eyes looked… empty. Something wasn’t right. It only took a matter of time until he discovered that Denholm had a huge rip on his back, with a little switch attached to his neck. Markus kept shrugging Denholm to awake him but there was no use. He then examined the rip, and accidentally opened it, which revealed Denholm’s insides with literally nothing in it. Just a hollow mold.

“My friend’s… a bodysuit?!?!?” Markus started to panic. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he would tell to Denholm’s parents. So he kept trying to wake Denholm up, but he’s no longer there. There was only one choice. If Denholm WAS an empty suit for someone to wear, then someone must wear him for the meantime, and who would that be none other than Markus. “I’m so sorry, I love you.” Markus started to tear up. He then stripped off his clothes. He started to insert his legs and feet into Denholm’s empty body. Markus was a bit larger than Denholm’s so it was a tight fit. the warmness of the insides then slowly binded Markus’ legs onto his. There was no turning back. Next, he put on the torso, and leaned Denholm’s head forward for now. It was almost complete. The last thing to do is to put on the head. As Markus was putting Denholm’s face like a mask, it frightened him too much that he started suffocating. In the outside it looked like an expressionless Denholm but you can hear Markus grasping for air. He eventually fell to the groubd and passed out.

The next time Markus woke up, he was at the floor. His body was glistening with sweat, or should I say, Denholm’s body. He tried to get and up and looked around, then exhaled to see that he can breathe again. His breath smelled like Denholm’s, which shocked him a lot. He paused and saw the mirror, with Denholm reflecting back to him. “De..Denholm??”, Markus said. The voice still sounded like Markus wearing a mask, which was muffled, so Markus adjusted Denholm’s face to fit his even more. And so the face finally locked in. “Denholm??” He said again. This time the voice sounded EXACTLY like Denholm. He started to rub his new wavy hair, and touch his new skin in his face. He also noticed his eyes even changed. Rubbing it through, he no longer has curly hair or dark skin, and his smell noticeably also disappeared, revealing a musky, bold smell from Denholm.

He admired Denholm’s hair, torso, biceps, and stroked his 6.8-inch dick. He then started putting on his clothes, and covered up the switch with a bandage. He looked at the mirror again and said, “Sorry Denholm, baby, but I need to drive you for now.” and kissed goodbye to his reflection in the mirror.

Now that Markus holds Denholm’s life, it was time to tell the news to Denholm’s family. Going home a bit excited, he rushed into Denholm’s house where a worried mother and father rushed in to receive him in open arms. “We missed you so much honey!”, Marta said to her “son” while embracing him. Markus felt a wholesome rather never-before feeling at that moment, as his parents were divorced and was put into care by his evil grandparents. This experience has become a chance for Markus to feel the life he deserved to have: a loving family, popular, charming, spoiled, everything that he ever dreamed of. Besides his sexual desires in the love of his life’s body, it was a chance for him to enjoy a new life of his own.

Chapter 3: Denholm Slayy

Morning came and Markus woke up refreshed, and opened his phone to see that he still has Denholm’s face while looking at the front camera. “Good morning, babe”, Markus started teasing himself. Suddenly something raised from under the blankets. Markus felt aroused by Denholm’s morning look so much that he decided to have a little bit of fun before getting through his day.

He let out a quick moan as he started grabbing onto Denholm’s elastic manhood. And there he unleashed loads and loads of cum which splashed through the whole bedroom. He didn’t even gave a damn into how he’s gonna clean all that mess. Then he admired himself in the mirror then started kissing it. “Oh I wish you were fucking me like this baby. Such a slay”, Markus groaned as he breathed in great intervals. He was having the time of his life.

“Babe??? Babee, I came to pick you up!” that was Paula, Denholm’s girlfriend, picking him up to go to school. Markus got alarmed by this. How was he supposed to clean all that cum on the wall? He quickly got up from the bed and took a dirty shirt from the laundry to wipe off all the stains from the walls and floors. Then he put on a shirt before opening the door. “Babe! What took you so long?? Also why are you not dressed yet we’re already late!” Paula said. “Sorry babe, got a bit hazy from last night that’s all.” Markus replied. “Well if you want to talk about it, we can spend the day together”, said Paula as she seductively touches Denholm’s cheeks. “No it’s alright, besides you have a test today and we must put our studies first right?”, Markus said while feeling anxious. “Ok! I’ll wait for you downstairs while you get ready.” Paula replied.

“Babe babe… Babe my ASS.” Markus side-eyes Paula as she left. “You know Denholm, you don’t deserve this annoying slut!” Markus said while berating Denholm’s reflection in the mirror. “This is why I’m GAY! UGH! If only you were mine… But for now, I am you. I will make the most of it.” Markus said while getting dressed. He put on a new bad boy look for Denholm, compared to the plain shirts that Denholm used to pull off with. Markus did a grin in the mirror as he admired his ideal look for Denholm.

“Oh daddy, you’re really such a fine person. I hope we get to bond more like this again.” Markus sighed. He then headed off to school with Paula.

———

It was now the afternoon. No one has seemed to have noticed that Denholm was being controlled by another person, as Markus has studied every single inch of how Denholm moves and speaks, which counts to the amount of obsession he has towards his homie. But there was one person that wasn’t convinced by the act though. While walking down the street, Paula confronted Denholm/Markus. “Babe, is everything alright? You seem distant.. detached today…”. Markus started to get nervous again, not knowing what details to say to her. “Babe its nothing.. look, I’ll head home now. Maybe I just needed a rest.” He replied.

Markus was finally back at Denholm’s room. It was now late at night. He took off his clothes and decided to lie down. “Maybe I should… do it again..” As Markus tried to stand up, suddenly he felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he was suffocating through latex. He then started gagging until he choked. It was the suit. He tried leaning on to something, but eventually the sweat that accumulated the suit made him trip down and struggle to get up. It felt like he was about to die, something was crushing him from the inside. Desperate, he tried unzipping off from the suit, which worked perfectly well. Markus finally got out of Denholm again, after over a day of using him. Both of them were covered in sweat, with Markus hyperventilating as he stared at Denholm’s lifeless body.

#male body possession #male bodysuit #male meatsuit #meatsuit #bodysuit #mtm swap #body swap #body switch #male body switch

[cosmerelists]

Who is the In-Universe Audience for Tress?

[Spoilers for Tress of the Emerald Sea!!]

This list is dedicated to the person at the DragonCon Tress panel who asked this question of the panelists and did NOT receive a good answer (or really any answer at all), in my opinion. So for you, friend, I went ahead and reread Tress and tried to collect all of the evidence about the identity of the audience that Hoid is telling the story to. Has this already been done on Reddit or other forums? Undoubtedly yes but I just wanted to see what I could discover on my own. Here are my findings!

My theory: Hoid is telling the story to a group of apprentice storytellers on the planet First of Sun. Some Rosharans are also present...or maybe just Sigzil. Allow me to explain each part of my answer!

1. Hoid is telling the story (but to an audience who also knows him as Wit)

This we know because he literally identifies himself as Hoid the cabin boy...but he also makes a couple of Wit-related puns, including:

"And with it went my sense of humor, my sense of decorum, and my sense of self. The last one stung the most, since it appears my sense of self is tied directly to my wit. I mean, it's in the name."

"Everyone can use a little more Wit in their lives."

This suggests the audience knows him both as Hoid and as Wit. More on that later!

2. The setting: First of Sun

Wherever the story is being told, it's a place with oceans made of water that have sea creatures (these things must be specified in a Cosmere setting). Hoid often alludes to the audience's familiarity with ships, including:

"Now, I know that on your planet, steering a ship isn't that big a deal."

"I know that sailors fear storms on your planet. It's common among almost all seafaring cultures I've met."

"As I've mentioned, on your planet, you may be accustomed to the helm position on the ship being relatively unimportant."

"But you come from a world where things live in the water."

That it is specifically the First of Sun is suggested by two quotes in particular:

"I can understand why you would want tales of people like Linji, who tried to sail around the world with no Aviar."

"Yes, like the speaking minds inhabiting the ships you've seen landing on your planet."

Aviars are native to First of Sun, and we learn in Sixth of the Dusk that space ships have visited that world.

3. The audience is a group of people

This actually came as a huge shock to me, as it's only revealed near the end, as far as I know. Hoid suddenly says:

"A sailing ship is a strange thing to control--I'm sure some of you know."

Some of you! Some of you?! So the audience is not a single person, but a group of people.

4. But there are also people from Roshar present...or maybe just Sigzil

Now, this may be controversial. But it seems possible that the audience also includes off-worlders, from Roshar and maybe from Scadrial as well. Certain references certainly suggest a Rosharan frame of mind:

First, there is the fact that they know him as Wit, which is Hoid's Rosharan incarnation

Second, there is this line: "Well, now that is a gemstone that truly glitters, friend." Perhaps there are big glittery gemstones on First of Sun too, but that sure seems like a Rosharan idiom.

Third, there is this line: "I assume you have no idea what a Luhel bond is....Unlike the Nahel bond, which trades in consciousness and anchoring to realty, the Luhel bond trades in physical matter." The Nahel bond is how surgebinding works on Roshar, and Hoid assumes the audience knows what that is.

It's possible that only Sigzil is present, and that Hoid keeps making asides to him, which would be pretty cute, to be honest.

5. Maybe Scadrial is represented too??

As for Scadrial, well...there's just the fact that Hoid calls himself a Worldbringer:

"Worldbringers like myself spend decades combing through folk tales, legends, myths, histories, and drunken bar songs looking for the most unique stories."

"Worldbringer" is a Scadrian term; the Rosharan equivalent would be "Worldsinger." This might not mean anything about who's present--perhaps Hoid is spreading the notion of Worldbringers to other planets like First of Sun. But I wanted to raise it as an interesting possibility.

6. The audience is comprised of apprentice storytellers

It becomes clear at the end that the people Hoid is talking to want to learn to be paid for telling stories:

"With a few tips, he wasn't so boring after all. Secretly, I'll tell you that you aren't either. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lower your value. Don't trust them. They know they can't afford you otherwise."

This suggests that his audience want to learn to not be boring and to be paid to tell stories--so apprentices then, perhaps. Hoid also indicates that this audience knows him, and are not just a random crowd he gathered for the occasion:

"It's called the transitive property of ineptitude, and it's the explanation for anything you've seen me do wrong ever."

Hoid refers to other planets casually, suggesting an audience that wants to learn about other cultures and places, another key aspect of being a Hoid-style storyteller:

"Compared, for example, to the depth of the Lilting Abyss on Threnody, the spore seas are practically ponds."

So! That's my theory: Hoid is using the Tress tale to train a group of would-be apprentice storytellers on First of Sun, and maybe Sigzil or other Rosharans are there too.

What do you think??

#cosmere #cosmerelists #Tress of the Emerald Sea #Tress of the Emerald Sea Spoilers #ssp1 spoilers #ssp1

[mikuni14]

Step by Step Ep 9, the one that hurt me

The last episode of Step by Step was very difficult for me emotionally and I even had to stop watching it several times. At first I didn't know what was so disturbing to me and why I felt such a surge of dislike for Pat, but as soon as I slightly shifted my perspective, it became clear to me what was triggering me so much throughout the episode. My first clue was my first reaction toPat in episode 8, to his reaction to Jeng coming out. Tbh, I was already furious at the time, though I tried to contain my anger, thinking that maybe I was exaggerating, and everyone defended Pat so much in this scene, so I thought ok, whatever, I guess I’m overreacting 😉

But. Imagine you are gay ✨ Imagine that you meet someone at your workplace and immediately fall in love with them. From then on, you spend your time thinking only about that person and trying to get close to that person. YOU CHANGE for that person. You forgive this person EVERYTHING. You actively find new reasons to spend time with this person. This person's social media account is the only one you like. You help that person whenever you can. You do many things with this person, including the most controversial, like sleeping in the same bed, that you don't do with anyone else. This person usually responds positively to you (I'll come back to this later, why this doesn't prove anything, which Jeng doesn't understand and is making a colossal error in his reasoning). And suddenly, one evening, this person finds out you're gay. Just the fact that you had to say it is devastating because you thought your intentions and sexual orientation were clear.

And then something happens that, from the perspective of a person coming out, is the most cruel. And THAT’S what got me depressed so much. Imagine you are coming out to a person you work with. And the first reaction of this person is to treat it as a joke - as if talking about it was funny, and the second reaction is some kind of cosmic, disporportionate to the situation SHOCK, including falling to the floor 🙃 And then it gets worse. This person TOTALLY CUTS YOU OFF. This person doesn't reply to your texts, doesn't contact you AT ALL, although you had good relationship before. This person starts to AVOID YOU. And when you try to talk, their body language, behavior, words, facial expressions express fear, disgust and a desire to get out of this conversation as soon as possible. And this person is asking you to STOP doing everything you used to do: hanging out, having meals, just being together. And when in a last act of desperation you try to explain that your intentions are sincere, that you’re in LOVE, you get rejected, doubted and that person runs off crying like you've done the worst thing in the world and you're some kind of creep, or worse.

Imagine that everything is ok and one day everything becomes terrible because you come out.

And the worst part is that you've seen this person in a same-sex relationship, so the problem must be YOU.

All of Pat's behavior towards Jeng, his unconscious cruelty and childishness, his inability to talk like an adult to another adult, the fact that as a gay man he SHOULD know how Jeng must feel after this sudden cut off and coldness of their relationship after coming out - all this makes me hate Pat and his selfishness. Pat made a whole scene with his parents out of being lost and not even remembering his birthday. But the truth is, Pat is incredibly focused on himself and his feelings, regardless of how his behavior may affect others. (and everyone would forget their birthdays if they drank as much as Pat, all the drunks I know didn't remember their birthdays or their spouses' or children's, dude, you're not that special)

I feel sorry for Jeng, but let’s be honest, he had it coming. Yes, Jeng acted so smitten, that only someone with zero sense of observation (like Pat) wouldn't notice. Like the fact that practically EVERYTHING Jeng did, he did ONLY WITH PAT, he didn't go to ikea with anyone else and he didn't invite ANYONE to bed, all of this should at least give him a pause or raise his eyebrow 😅 But even so, EVERYTHING Jeng and Pat did was always work related. Jeng was never really sincere about his intentions. He never invited Pat on a date at a restaurant, he just tricked him into it, buying a chair was related to work at home... It was never even a normal hanging out as friends do, let alone a date!

Jeng also never asked himself, WHAT I AM ASKING HIM FROM THE BEGINNING, whether his behavior towards Pat as a subordinate is appropriate. Dear Jeng, your offers to spend time together will ALWAYS have an accompanying question: is Pat agreeing to meet you sincere or forced by the difference in your corporate position? Does Pat agree to your invitations because he wants to spend time with you or because he's afraid of losing his job? Jeng NEVER addressed it. It never even crossed his mind! And ignoring rules that are meant for something, lack of sincerity, lack of transparency of intentions end up in a chaos, mess and tears. Jeng quits his job and is heartbroken, Pat suffers guilt and has a nervous breakdown. And I can't watch an episode in peace without feeling a knot in my stomach 😥

And I honestly don't know how long someone like Jeng will last in a relationship with someone like Pat. It’s already known that Pat functions somehow only thanks to the support of other ADULTS around him. He’s 25 and literally every person around him leads him by the hand through life, telling him what to do, including Jeng, I mean that’s so not hot! He reacts to any major (and also small) problem by running away and ignoring it. He cannot have a serious conversation without an emotional outbursts and running away - his other reaction is complete dissociation making everybody around worried. And worst of all, since Pat honestly didn't even think about whether he was hurting Jeng with his behavior, he's unlikely to think about it in the future either!  Jeng and Pat will definitely have relationship problems - like all couples do! And I want to know how many times will Jeng have to be the one who fixes everything and be the one who gives in and step back, be the adult, like he does all the time?

Anyway, kids, if someone tells you something personal, intimate about themselves, please don't be Pat. It hurts.

#step by step #thai bl #bl drama

[billconrad]

Most Authors Are Goodhearted People

    As a teenager, I read on a coffee mug, “Workers got to do what they got to do, and authors write about it from the sidelines.” This flippant remark cracked me up, but I was a brat who had no appreciation of how difficult it is to write a book. At the time, my father was a talented author of ceramics textbooks.

    I have since matured, and, like my father, I became an author. This journey provided a newfound perspective on writing, marketing, and English. Along the way, I met many fellow authors who were all goodhearted people who wished to make the world a better place. Why are they goodhearted people? While developing a plot, the author must create an ideal (writeable) world; hope is the most significant ingredient.

    Why? We want our characters to make it through the plot and hope readers enjoy their words. Yet, books may contain horror, conflict, criminals, death, torture, imprisonment, and all kinds of unpleasant topics. Plus, they may have trashy stories, have bad morals, and treat their characters poorly.     An early example of a distasteful book is Frankenstein’s Monster by Mary Shelley. In its day, this book was horrific, gory, controversial, and unethical. Today, we see disturbing plots like The Exorcist, Friday the 13th, The Shining, and Silence of the Lambs.

    Why did such nasty stories succeed? Even deplorable characters can overcome adversity, survive, thrive, mature, and change. But what about genuinely awful authors? Or the authors who intentionally create contemptible works? There will always be exceptions to the rule. What about books written for revenge, shock value, manipulation, or terror? Evil people use whatever tools they can find to spread their hate.

    When someone sets out to be an author, they have an overall goal to contribute (publish). The authors I met want to add goodness instead of spreading evil. Their contribution may not be successful, but there is an honest attempt to be positive.

    I saw a personal improvement once I became an author. This means that I think more about the people surrounding me, what they should do to better their lives, and what I should do to improve my life. This positive change was gradual, but I can trace it back to writing. In addition, I read many positive posts on the Facebook group Writers Helping Writers. The authors positively contributed to the comments, worked hard to perfect their words, and tried to make the world a better place.

    I concede that the same goodhearted argument could apply to oil workers, teachers, drafting technicians, clowns, and stockbrokers. They all want positive change, but authors still have a special place in our society. They work late into the night, writing textbooks, fiction, comic books, scripts, plays, and poems that shape future generations. This positive dedication makes them unique and positive members of society.

    You’re the best -Bill

    December 09, 2023

    Hey book lovers, I published four. Please check them out:

    Interviewing Immortality. A dramatic first-person psychological thriller that weaves a tale of intrigue, suspense, and self-confrontation.

    Pushed to the Edge of Survival. A drama, romance, and science fiction story about two unlikely people surviving a shipwreck and living with the consequences.

    Cable Ties. A slow-burn political thriller that reflects the realities of modern intelligence, law enforcement, department cooperation, and international politics.

    Saving Immortality. Continuing in the first-person psychological thriller genre, James Kimble searches for his former captor to answer his life’s questions.

    These books are available in soft-cover on Amazon and eBook format everywhere.

#writing #author #life

[captainmdhridoyhossain-blog]

[ad_1] RTÉ broadcaster Miriam O'Callaghan has said that she wants to "put on record" that her most recently published fee from RTÉ is correct. In a statement, Ms O'Callaghan said: "For the purpose of transparency, honesty and clarity, I want to put on the record that my most recently published fee from RTÉ - €263,500 - is correct, as are the published fees for previous years. "I have never received additional payments from RTÉ that were not publicly declared." Her statement comes after it emerged that between 2017 and 2022, broadcaster Ryan Tubridy received a series of payments totalling €345,000 above his annual published salary. Ms O'Callaghan said there is profound shock, anger and sadness among everyone working at RTÉ and all journalists can do is cover the story as rigorously as they cover every other story.I never sought or been offered a side deal, says Claire Byrne Claire Byrne said she learned of situation regarding payments to Ryan Tubridy at the same time as 'everyone else' Earlier today, RTÉ broadcaster Claire Byrne said that she "never sought, been offered or discussed any kind of commercial or side deal" and that no other payment exists or has ever existed beyond her published fee. Ms Byrne aid that the fee that has been published for her most recently is correct, "as are those published in the past". She also stated that her absence from radio last week was due to a planned family trip and not linked to the ongoing controversy regarding undisclosed payments. Ms Byrne said she learned of the situation regarding payments to Ryan Tubridy at the same time as "everyone else". Speaking at the start of her radio programme this morning, she said that she had "no prior warning, no inkling that there was a problem on the horizon". "My most recent published fee was €350,000. This was the fee agreed by RTÉ, for me to present this radio programme and Claire Byrne Live and as you know, I decided not to continue with that television show for personal and family reasons," she said. "And so, in order to be fully transparent with you, I want you to know that my RTÉ fee now is €280,000 and that fee is for presenting this programme." Ms Byrne said that that last contract was negotiated by Noel Kelly. She added that she recently presented the television quiz show, Ireland's Smartest and for that, she was paid a separate fee of €25,000. That contract was negotiated by other members of the NK Management company, she said. "I acknowledge that fee is significant and way beyond what many people could hope to earn. There are others who will, no doubt, have more to say about it I am sure, but my personal decision here this morning is to be open and honest with you," she said. Ms Byrne said she listened to Friday's Liveline and the callers who spoke about "being disappointed and they talked about trust being broken and the importance of transparency". "For me, and for the great people I work with every day on this show, hearing that is nothing short of heartbreaking," she said. "As programme-makers, our aim is to be consistent, fair, and professional and to respect the hard-earned trust that you, the audience, has in us." With that fee that she earns, she said, comes "a duty for me to treat this position with respect and I hope that you can trust me and the team of journalists I work with, to cover this story with the same rigour and balance as we would any other story on this programme". Her comments come after RTÉ's Director General Dee Forbes tendered her resignation with immediate effect. Joe Duffy Speaking on his radio programme Liveline, presenter Joe Duffy also clarified his own payments. In a conversation with a caller, Mr Duffy said: "The last figures published for me were €351,000, OK? €300,000 of that is for radio and €51,000 is for whatever they ask me to do on television." He said his contract was recently extended on the same terms and his contract will continue to 2025. Mr Duffy also added that he was not in receipt of payment from sponsors.

He said: "I’ve never been offered, never requested, never received, never been involved in any outside, what’s on my contract, the figures that are on my contract are the exact figures that I receive." [ad_2] , 2023-06-29 03:07:19 , #received #additional #fees #RTÉ for more interesting Article Visit regularly : https://mycyberbase.com/

[straycatboogie]

2023/07/01 English

BGM: The Doobie Brothers - Listen To The Music

Recently, I have enjoyed Eels' album "Electro-Shock Blues" again. Eels is a solo project of the person Mark Oliver Everett aka E. I have listened to this "Electro-Shock Blues" in/during this life. Especially when I was in really troublesome period, the time I thought "I should give up anything" and "I can't go forward anymore", I relied on that great music... I am not a music journalist so I can't explain his music/this album itself with a critical/journalistic perspective. But I say that this music is really "impressive". This album describes in its beginning a scene of bathroom. in the bathroom, Elizabeth is lying on the floor. She says "My life is shit and piss". But if this music ended just describing this depressive scenery, then it would mean that this music could be just a banal one. A commercially poisonous, negative, catchy one, and so on... I say this album is not such a banal one. I want YOU to enjoy this because YOU are the person who has been living in YOUR troublesome days like hell. This will give you an energy to walk forward.

Indeed, you might find a certain heaviness in this album. The distorted heavy sound of bassline. Various experimental pop sound with pieces of instruments. E's husky and warm voice... It wouldn't be touchy for you I guess. YOU would find that YOU could go out from a nightmare with listening to this album, which has been made to "knock" your spots in mind which give you comfortable feeling. Or just like going out of the state of bad tripping, or the dawning from the night little by little... YOU must feel that the sunlight is coming through this album. This one leads you to a brand new hope/new life. But it doesn't mean a positive, brutal message that "Dreams must come true so let's be positive". At first, YOU see desperate darkness in the beginning of this album. And from that bottom of the deep sea, YOU will move to the surface steadily. That kind of movement from darkness to lightness, or from hell to this world is really "trippy" event. So I love this album so much. But why? Why the person E can do such a magical playing/singing/creating? He must be a genius, or a soul master, or a charisma. At least, this "Electro-Shock Blues" must be one of the masterpieces in 90s rock music. An evergreen, everlasting shining.

And I find that E is a really "soulful" and "warm hearted" person when I enjoy this album. He accepts me, the person who always feels pitiful emotion (I almost used a controversial word "sissy"). Like he holds/hugs me a lot... I also feel that he has a certain great sense of humor. The mixture of serious essences and humorous ones. Not too positive, but also too hypocritic. In other words, I never feel any essence of "fake" in this album. A really honest one. Me, I was recently said by a friend as "your sense of humor is great". But maybe that is because I have been actually influenced by E's such wonderful works/masterpieces. E also has made various albums in his career. He has never failed making them. E is the person who always has lived his hurtful/terrible life. But he sees the world with his clear eyes, and sings by his hot voice, facing forward and saying "Oh my gosh" but "I'm gonna live". Yes, maybe this world is like hell and our life is like chaos... But the life has a certain value to enjoy living. His life has such a strong line as a great career, and it embraces me a lot. 90s is a decade that has great artists as Nirvana, Beck, Blur, Oasis, Suede, etc... But Eels is also a great one. Eels is as great as them. I even say that E must be underrated.

Oh my... I can remember that I had written about suicide a lot yesterday. And also today I wrote a lot of negative ideas about Eels' music. Indeed, I like Nine Inch Nails and Marylin Manson to hurt myself mentally/virtually in my bedroom. But somewhere in my mind I try to believe in the power of humor listening to great artists as Eels (By the way, I even can feel that Nine Inch Nails also has great humor). Probably I have been attracted by Haruki Murakami because of Haruki's profound humor. And also, when I write this journal I say to myself like this. "Why should I write a lot of negative, painful, depressive content which also could hurt readers?". In other words, I have a mentality/personality of "a fool". A fool in Shakespeare's plays... Or I must be a pierrot, or a clown. And also a true masochist... Oh my. I talked about myself too much (as usual).

A friend recommended me to make this "carrd". I show this to you. https://straycatboogie.carrd.co/

#diary #english #journal #tumblr diary #online diary #eels

[cathygeha]

REVIEW

The Lady Knows Best by Susanna Craig

Goode’s Guide to Misconduct #1

 The odd duck in the Burke family, always overlooked, merely average…or so she thinks...suddenly becomes the focus of rake Miles Viscount Devereaux often referred to as the devil, Devereaux. Daphne Burke has ideas that might make some think she is a bluestocking or radical reformer or just trying to find her position in the world so when an opportunity to write for a magazine appears, she is eager to take it thinking that she can write advice for young women even though she is still a rather naïve young woman herself. And then…the story really begins…

 What I Liked:

* Miles: wealthy, good family, titled, only child, cares about his home and the person who raised him, good friend, perhaps dyslexic, deeper than he appears to be on the surface, I liked him

* Daphne: second to last sister, opinionated, likes animals, believes rakes are despicable and to be avoided but is rather tempted by Miles

* The idea of the Magazine and thinking that more than likely the women involved with it will star in the books of the series – getting to meet them in this book was a taste of what is to come

* Meeting Daphne’s family – I think some of them and Mrs. Goode were in previous books by this author

* Alistair Hawthorne, Earl of Ryland: older brother of seven sisters, responsible for his siblings for 15 years, has severe allergies, good friend, good friend of Miles, hope he has a book of his own

* The way Miles and Daphne’s perceptions about one another and what they wanted in life changed as they grew and matured through the story

* Knowing that there is another book to look forward to

 What I didn’t like:

* That it took awhile for me to warm up to Daphne and actually believe she and Miles would have a good marriage…it did happen though…over the telling of the story.

 Did I enjoy this book? Yes

Would I read more in this series? Yes

 Thank you to NetGalley and Kensington Books-Zebra for the ARC – This is my honest review.

 3-4 Stars

     BLURB

 In her print debut, award-winning author Susanna Craig launches a new Regency historical romance series, based around the daring ladies’ magazine, Mrs. Goode’s Magazine for Misses, Being a Guide to Improve Conduct and Promote Wisdom among Young Persons of the Fair Sex—also known as Goode’s Guide to Misconduct—and the witty, clever, often rebellious heroines behind it, including a controversial new advice columnist. A modern twist on the genre, will appeal to fans of Ella Quinn, Sabrina Jeffries, and those who love faster-paced, innovative historical romance featuring strong women. Serving as the advice columnist, ‘Miss Busy B.’, for an often-subversive ladies’ magazine is the perfect outlet for Daphne Burke’s outspoken nature. But when she advises a young lady of the ton, to break off her engagement to a notorious rake, the consequences take Daphne beyond the page and into her real life. Miles, Viscount Deveraux, sometimes known as ‘that devil Deveraux’, needs a respectable bride by the end of the Season, and he’s bet a fortune that he can get one. Now, his fiancée has not only changed her mind—but done it publicly, in a letter to London’s most infamous magazine. With the stakes high and time short, it seems reasonable to him that the columnist responsible should come to his rescue and marry him instead. Fortunately for Miles, Daphne is eager to escape the pressures of the London marriage mart. She agrees to a courtship. But at the end of two weeks, she intends to turn him down in a big, splashy, scandal that will ruin her reputation and set her free. There’s just one shocking wrinkle: Who knew being ruined by a rake could be so much fun?

#Susanna Craig #Goode's Guide to Misconduct 1 #NetGalley #Kensington-Zebra #Historical Fiction #Historical Romance #Romance #ficti

[panharmonium]

the other thing that i keep thinking about, especially now that i’ve been knee-deep in conversation about kakashi’s father for the last couple days, is the amount of politically/socially-charged context kakashi must be constantly navigating as a leaf shinobi, even though we don’t get to see much of it.  

the transformation of the hidden leaf village is obviously still a work in progress, and society never changes overnight.  we’ve heard at various points in shippuden about the still-present divide between hardliners like danzo and the (somewhat) more moderate senju line, and it’s clear that there are still plenty of reactionary/conservative forces at work in the shinobi world, which means there are absolutely still segments of the population who would view the kind of challenge that kakashi and his students pose to traditional shinobi values as a threat.  and back when kakashi first chose to reaffirm his father’s principles, i’m sure it was much worse - the way minato tells it, the entire village and the land of fire turned on sakumo, and it’s not like all those people just disappeared when kakashi finally allowed himself to recognize that all of them were doing something wrong.  they were still there.  they were his neighbors.  they were his colleagues.  he had to live with them.  he had to work with them - he had to work FOR them, even.  to this day, he still does.

like.  i am FASCINATED by the complexities of this situation, even though we barely see any of it.  just...thinking about thirteen year-old kakashi being a member of the Jonin Assembly alongside all of these grown adults who persecuted his father until the “great man who everyone looked up to” couldn’t survive it any longer.  thinking about teenage kakashi lost and “waiting to die” in the anbu black ops, but still breaking every rule to rescue little tenzo from a hardline conservative who tried to have kakashi assassinated.  thinking about adult kakashi, still a member of that same Jonin Assembly, still working alongside people he can clearly remember harassing and attacking his father for saving their lives, being asked to serve as a clandestine hokage under danzo’s nose, because foreign nations trust kakashi where they don’t trust the actual nominee, and then being nominated for real when danzo turns up dead (and having his nomination approved, i might add, by the land of fire, whose government officially blamed kakashi’s father for the damage that resulted from that abandoned mission years before).

we only get hints about the lingering controversy surrounding kakashi and his family via danzo and, occasionally, the village elders, but like.  kakashi occupies such a complex place in the hidden leaf village, because he’s become incredibly respected and renowned by many (if not most) of its residents, but he also spends every day of his life moving within a community where many (if not most) of the older people around him participated in a campaign of vicious harassment against his father, one that ultimately led to his death.  some of them may have had changes of heart after sakumo’s suicide - that seems like the kind of thing that might have shocked some people into reevaluating their positions, particularly given how respected sakumo was prior to that time - and some of them probably died later in the war, but we know there’s still a conservative faction active in the hidden leaf village, and some of those people are always going to be who they are.  and even the people who aren’t - even the ones who regret how they acted - it’s still so complicated!  how do you continue to live and work in that environment?  how do you navigate a history of being harmed in that way, when you still have to collaborate with and/or serve the same people who did the harming, some of whom likely view you with the exact same disdain they had for your father?

kakashi manages it, somehow, though i’ll bet he has complicated feelings about it, even if he keeps them to himself.  and that’s yet another reason why (if i can just take these thoughts on a slight detour to the present) i think kakashi’s relationship with sasuke is so vitally important, especially moving forward.  sasuke’s family was wronged by the village too, in horrific, unforgivable ways - the shinobi system swallowed itachi whole and sacrificed the entire uchiha clan on the altar of a mission, in exactly the kind of evil, inhuman decision-making process that sakumo and obito and kakashi said could never be justified.  the uchiha were victims of the same shinobi system that drove kakashi’s father to his death - the one that said “everything is acceptable as long as the task at hand is accomplished.  people are disposable in service to a mission.”  both sasuke and kakashi’s families fell to a cultural context that refused to acknowledge that it is never okay to sacrifice your comrades for a mission, a cultural context that embraced this belief to the point where even literal genocide became excusable.

if sasuke is ever going to really and truly Come Home, he’s going to need to learn how to navigate this situation.  not to excuse the wrong that was done, and certainly not to give up on getting justice for himself and his clan, but also to figure out, in conjunction with these important tasks, how to continue existing in an environment where so much officially-sanctioned harm was done to his person, and where so many people around him have at least a little bit of history of being suspicious of or uncharitable towards the uchiha clan, even though they obviously didn’t know about the impending coup or danzo’s extermination order.  

it’s an incredibly complicated situation, and even if kakashi doesn’t have all the answers, he can at least understand what it feels like to be in that kind of position.  he’s been navigating something like this for many, many years.  he’s the precedent, someone who can help sasuke wrestle with the perhaps unanswerable questions of how am i supposed to dedicate myself to a place that wronged me like this?  why should i protect people who hurt me so badly?  is there even a way for me to move forward here, if i can’t forgive the ones who took my family away from me?  can this actually be my home again, when i know what it did to my people?

kakashi has obviously managed to come up with answers to these questions that enable him to stay integrated in his community and keep building a future he believes in, though I doubt any of his answers are simple, and i’m sure there are some things that he’s just had to accept will never be fully settled in his heart.  it’s like what he says to obito in an episode i watched recently: “i don’t know anything for sure, either...i’ve thought that this world is hell, too...but...”  it’s the but that matters.  even in the face of confusion and complexity, kakashi has found a way to keep moving.  he’s learned to co-exist with the uncertainty and discomfort surrounding him, and to make his own meaning out of this life, regardless of how complicated his internal relationship with the village might be.  he’s found a way to keep his eyes trained on the light, whatever that light might look like for him, and even if said light is only, as gaara says, “the faintest glimmer.”  he has so much to teach someone like sasuke, who up until recently was responding to that same plea of gaara’s with a fatalistic “i shut my eyes a long time ago.  the things i seek now lie only in the darkness.” 

anyway.  i am just having Many Thoughts currently about the intricacies of the political and social context that kakashi is always navigating, even though he never says a word about it.  and i’m curious whether this family history will ever come up again in the last fifth of this show.  if i were going on instinct alone, i’d suspect that we weren’t quite done with sakumo yet - i feel like we barely even started with him, to be honest (and also - whatever happened to kakashi’s mother???) - but i should know better at this point than to try and predict what this show is going to do, so i’ll just wait and see.

#naruto #meta #pan watches naruto #i got lost on the path of life #this is something i've always kind of wondered about in the back of my mind #but i started really focusing on it recently because of the conversations i've been having with dreamersscape about shikamaru and kakashi #because the other thing i think about in conjunction with this topic is how the kids have absolutely zero clue about any of this #sakumo's story seems to be - at least from what i've seen so far - #something that the entire leaf village just decided to never discuss again immediately after it reached its horrifying conclusion #whether out of shame or whatever else #it's buried history #even in the immediate aftermath - obito only knows the white fang as 'that hero who died protecting the village' #the rest of the story seems to have become That Of Which We Do Not Speak #and naruto's generation is even further removed from the history than obito was; so they just have no idea #like - naruto once asked kakashi who lady chio meant by 'the white fang'; and when kakashi uncomfortably answered 'my father' #naruto was so shocked by the concept of kakashi having parents that he never even asked any follow-up questions XD XD XD #so anyway i'm just thinking about how much the younger kids are going to start learning after they come home and start climbing the ranks #eg shikamaru shadowing kakashi in jonin circles and starting to pick up on dynamics he hasn't been exposed to before #bc i'm sure kakashi's philosophy for preparing jonin aspirants will be just as stubbornly renegade as his process for genin #and i can imagine there are certain tasks he'll set or standards he'll outline that might stir up some muttering #at least among the old guard #anyway. i think about this stuff a lot #the kids starting to learn all of the things that everybody else already knows about kakashi but nobody ever talks about #including kakashi himself #sasuke got the cliffsnotes version the day he left the leaf village; but there is still SO MUCH he and the other kids aren't aware of #they know nothing about kakashi's history with obito or rin or yamato or itachi; or what happened to his father; or how he got his sharingan #or that he was targeted for assassination by danzo as a teenager #they have no idea what his life was like AT ALL; and honestly i think kakashi wanted it to be that way #but that bubble has to pop eventually; and i can only imagine the kids' faces when they start to discover just how much they never knew.

[cinnamonest]

If you don't mind me asking, why does femdom make you uncomfortable? And why do you have a kink for misogyny in the first place? Just curious, really, I have nothing to judge- just as a transmasc person kinks rooted in gender are sort of difficult for me to understand.

Ok so I hope you don't mind a long answer lol, I like kink psychology really and it's difficult to put into a short paragraph.

So usually sexual preferences and kinks are based on either being taboo/wrong, or based on comfort -- what makes us feel comforted, safe, and validated. For me (and most people who have it in my experience) all of these are comfort/validation related kinks. I used to think I was the only one but I actually discovered there's a whole community for the sexism kink.

Although I think the modern empowerment of women is great, obviously, for some of us it's actually very daunting and jarring to be held up to this expectation of a "strong independent woman", that is thrown in your face from every direction, especially if it's foreign to you. Which it was for me, having been raised in a very very very conservative background and then thrust into the real world. Most people I've met with this kink have that upbringing in common. There definitely is a sentiment in some aspects of culture/mainstream that you're doing women a disservice or not being a good feminist if you do not meet the standard image of a strong, fiery and independent woman. Idk if it's different for girls who grew up in more egalitarian homes, but that was and still is very intimidating for me.

The whole thing with the more "loving" sexism kink (which is my preference, as I'm not fond of the free use cruel type of sexism) is you have the reassurance of love, with the comfort of a provider/protector and the reassurance that you don't have to be a strong, independent person. You can be dependent, dumb, needy, and weak, and that's ok, because nothing more is expected of you. And it's even a good thing that you are loved and appreciated for - it's good to be those things. It's comforting and validating, because it is an expectation I can meet. It's reassuring to accept being "inferior." It's also familiar because it's what I'm used to.

And of course, there's the whole concept of being property and some degradation/humiliation factor with the inferiority as well, which is a very common kink, and this is just one possible manifestation of it. So it combines those concepts of comfort with degradation -- it's sweet, loving degradation, which is a rare, hard to achieve thing that I like a lot. Also, submission and loss of control are very common kinks, and this once again is just one possible form.

And for the men, from what I have gathered from discussions with them, it makes them feel powerful and in control, which are typically things that make dominant men feel secure/comforted or reassured. So you also get the good feeling of knowing you are making the other party happy/feel good.

Consequently femdom does the opposite. Makes me feel nervous and very uncomfortable. Seeing men be submissive to women gives me a skin-crawling sort of feeling. It just feels "wrong" and jarring. Weirdly enough though I like femdom in Yuri/GL, I can still project myself onto the bottom. It only bothers me when it's het femdom. Not that I have a problem with it or think it's bad, I'm glad people have a spectrum of sexual tastes and respect them all, it just bothers me personally.

As for the incest... In general, most people like incest for the closeness/love factor, or the tabooness. Incest is, of course, extremely controversial in real life, so it has the "sin" appeal that a lot of people get excited by.

As for specifically momcon, one, there's a limited amount of incest dynamics there, and virtually all of them involve being young and/or usually have themes of virginity, like daughter or sister. Female virginity is another thing that unsettles me a bit, so I avoid it (but also don't mind it so much that I need warnings or anything). I like projecting onto milfs/women way older than I actually am -- I honestly couldn't tell you why that is. I've thought about it a lot but I can't figure it out. But I love older woman x younger man content, which the mom thing allows for. Two, because it just feels more shocking and fucked up/taboo than the others. Three, the role reversal is a big aspect. I love anything where the woman was originally in a position of power and has it stripped away from the one beneath her - so like a student noncon-ing a teacher, little brother on older sister, son on mom, employee on boss, etc. Four, despite that, there's still some semblance of control -- it's more "safe" in some ways.

All in all though that doesn't accurately cover the full reasons, bc to be honest I'm not 100% confident why I like the mom stuff so much more than other forms of incest. I think it has something to do with the emotional closeness, feeling of betrayal, unexpectedness, the victim blaming potential (since you raised them), etc. There's also the concept of being trapped by ones own love -- a mother's love tends to be unconditional. So unlike most cases of noncon, mothers often struggle to hate or want to take action against the son, which puts them in a difficult position.

Or maybe I just exist to make Freud smile in his grave.

#tw: incest #lena's asks

[just-rogi]

I’m thissss close to snapping and making a full on Sarah Z style hour long YouTube video on the fall of superwholock and why doctor who holds up when SPN and Sherlock did not. Spoilers: you could tell from the in universe representation of the fans with SPN and Sherlock adding fangirl insert characters shown to be stupid obsessive queer and crazy whereas the doctor who fan insert -osgood- was a hero who represented what it means to be human. Supernatural made fun of destiel shippers IN THE SHOW Sherlock called fans who speculated about Reichenbach Fall stupid and crazy (both shows making fun of the fans for being queer as well) where as osgood is nerdy, excitable, socially awkward and above all else, kind. Osgood is offered a position as a full time companion and she says she wants to go more than anything but she has to stay here, defend the earth, to which the doctor replies “by the way, I’m a huge fan” THIS SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT THE TREATMENT OF FANS BY THE SHOW!! Doctor who the show and the doctor the character love the curious unique individuals who are interested in the adventures of a madman with a box who choses to help people and believes all life is special. Between Johnlock, Reichenbach, Destiel, Charlie, the musical episode, and the destiel confession supernatural and Sherlock have showed time and time again that they actively hate their audience (if you were around for the final episode of Sherlock you remember how bad it was for fans and i don’t need to remind anyone of “all gays go to hell all cars go to heaven” )

Something also has to be said for the fact that doctor who is the only show of the three without a huge decade long queer baiting (ok the whole Clara thing is on thin ice I’ll be honest but they fixed that with bill in season 10) scandal that ends in blatant homophobia (note it’s not homophobic BECAUSE destiel or johnlock didn’t end up together, it’s homophobic because of the years of intentional queer baiting that predates the end of each program) when your fan base is predominantly queer this is not advisable.

And of course this doesnt take into account the massive change that happened after dashcon, doctor who had an established 50 year history by that point and solid writing so while it fell from its godlike position on tumblr it was still relatively popular after that cultural shift. Also- and this may be controversial - the writing in doctor who is better. I’m sorry but it is. Rewatching some of the 2010-2015 episodes I’m reminded that when doctor who is good, it’s GOOD. The oncoming storm speech. The 9th doctor and the dalek prisoner, “I would never” , a good man goes to war, “the laws of time obey me” , the fucking 50th war doctor speeches, the zygon inversion speech, “the one thing you never put in a trap… me”, all of hell bent, and of course the Van Gogh episode. Honestly on writing alone doctor who absolutely bodies Sherlock and supernatural which is shocking because moffat wrote for Sherlock as well but it never felt as powerful it always felt very clever but once you knew the answer to whatever mystery Sherlock was solving the intrigue just faded. Whereas the more you watch episodes like Vincent and the Doctor, the Day of the Doctor, or Hell Bent, the more you fall in love with the writing.

I could go on and on and on for ages about writing, character relatability , overarching themes and morals, the unique mechanic of regeneration, the doctor companion dynamic, and the question of “are humans inherently good or evil” and so many more nuanced reasons as to why doctor who stands the test of time (pun only slightly intended) but I will not that is too long and I am tired but know that I could if I wanted because the evidence is there

Tldr: doctor who isn’t bad you guys are just mean

#supernatural #sherlock #doctor who #superwholock #dashcon #johnlock #destiel #destiel confession #the johnlock conspiracy #tumblr history #steven moffat #character analysis #queerbaiting #queer baiting #super hell #osgood #media analysis

[newbeginningsforever]

UPDATED: An Extremely Thorough Analysis of Episode 9 - Adrian’s Story

@espanholina​ asked me to rewatch the show and re-evaluate what really happened between Takka, Sumi, and Adrian. This is about the sex/non-con scenes in Episode 9. 

UPDATED: My theory here is confirmed to be correct by the director, Sam Deats. He said this in a Twitter post. 

(On a completely unprofessional and inappropriate note, doesn’t Adrian look just positively glorious in orgasm? Wow...)

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR NON-CON/SEX AND SPOILERS**

(Rewatching Season 3)

Let me preface this by saying that I am a bisexual person and I have experienced both consensual sex and non-consensual sexual situations (with men and women) in my life. I’m also the same age as Adrian would be and I have the same personality type. Okay, analysis time… 

These are my opinions about what Adrian is thinking and feeling during the controversial sexual scene:

First, let’s look at the meaning of rape in terms of deception (which is the only type of rape that might apply here): “Rape by deception is a situation in which the perpetrator obtains the victim's agreement to engage in sexual intercourse or other sex acts, but gains it by deception or false statements or actions.” To be honest, I had no idea this is technically rape until today. It means tricking someone into sex, basically, even if they want to have sex. So basically, Adrian is giving consent, but because he was deceived in order to give consent, it is a form of rape. That being rape by deception. This is very interesting. A lot of characters in TV shows are rapists then if you really think about it. For some examples: Chandler and Joey from Friends would both be rapists because they assume false identities and use fake names to sleep with women, Saul Goodman from Better Call Saul would also be a rapist because of deceptions in order to get sex, Don from Mad Men, etc. Really, if we think about the story, their deception started long before the sex scene and continued throughout because they came to murder him and just used sex as a ploy to get him in a vulnerable position. They knew Adrian is extremely lonely (and horny, oops sorry) and used that to their advantage. I think they knew Adrian would consent and that’s why they came up with the plan.

Detailed scene analysis: Adrian can’t sleep. When Takka and Sumi enter, he looks a little surprised and concerned. He asks what is wrong. Sumi and Takka conceal their blades and consecrated handcuffs behind their backs and drop them on both sides of the bed out of view of the camera. Alucard doesn’t notice. When they put their hands on his chest and say “You’ve been so alone,” he visibly blushes. I didn’t actually notice that until the second time. I rewatched this part a lot to try and gauge his emotion - in my opinion, it’s pleasant surprise and mild shock. He looks possibly hopeful and unsure about what is happening. 

When Sumi says that it’s time for his reward, Adrian’s eyes quiver and he breathes shakily, his mouth agape when they push him down onto the bed. When Sumi kisses him, and he’s shocked at first, but then he reciprocates. He’s still shocked afterward, clear by his expression and wide eyes. When Takka strokes his cheek and leans closer, Adrian actually rises up to kiss Takka. Adrian initiated the kiss with Takka and he pulls him closer right away - there is clearly (uninformed) consent and initiation at this point on Alucard’s side for Takka. I don’t understand why Adrian would actually lift himself up and initiate the kiss with Takka if he didn’t want anything sexual/romantic to happen. If someone has a different opinion about that please let me know what you are thinking.

Is it possible he simply wanted to please? I mean, that’s possible, but Takka and Sumi came into the room by saying that “it’s time for his reward”. If he didn’t want to be doing this, would he really be initiating a kiss with Takka and pulling him in close? I don’t think so. I think Adrian is definitely bisexual and I think this was his first kiss with a man (maybe with anyone). I definitely think he’s a virgin because he’s so young and so socially isolated. Throughout this scene, Alucard’s (uniformed) consent is up to interpretation because he never stops them or protests, and yet we cannot know what he is thinking at all. The expressions of ecstasy and agony/discomfort are almost the same for many people, so it’s hard to say. Also, it’s safe to say that Alucard’s not experienced with sex or with anyone being close to him, so he could be consenting and shocked/nervous at the same time. I think Adrian is so desperate for affection, sex, and love that even though he might not feel entirely comfortable, he still wants it to continue. He wants friends, he wants to be fucked and cared for like most of us do. It seems, in the next scene clip, that Adrian is holding Takka’s waist while Takka does something - not really sure what, probably gives him a handjob. Sumi takes off his nightgown and Takka gives him a kiss. Adrian’s eyes widen in response. Sumi kisses him while topless, and his eyes are still wide with his eyebrows drawn up. This could be shock or possibly discomfort, more likely shock. When Sumi comes closer, his eyes return to normal and we see him grab Sumi’s ass and pull her towards him. Then, Adrian kisses her neck and fondles her naked breast. So, he seemed shocked at first, but then definitely consenting (by manipulation of course). I think the shock here is probably because of three things: he didn’t expect this sudden three-way sex, he’s a virgin, and he didn’t think that two people would want to have sex with him. Most people think he’s a monster, after all. He pulled her closer and initiated this foreplay, so I think he did want to do this (of course, I’m not in his head, so I can’t say for sure - this is just my best guess). I think his loneliness, horniness, and affection for his new friends is trumping any discomfort. That’s my opinion based on his personality and life story.

Adrian, Takka, and Sumi are naked together. Adrian has his arm wrapped around both of them. Adrian kisses Sumi while Takka kisses his neck and gives him a handjob. Takka kisses down Adrian’s stomach down to his cock. The camera pans to Adrian’s face and he’s hard to read. He basically is blushing, but otherwise emotionless, and then he cries suddenly. (The first time I 100% thought that this was because he felt amazing, and he was so grateful and contented to finally be receiving the pleasure and affection he deserves - I still think that might be the case here) 

UPDATE: I was right, and his crying is confirmed by the director to be tears of joy.

I watched it a couple of times. It’s certianly possible that he’s uncomfortable/scared/afraid/freaked out, but I still would guess that he’s crying because it’s feeling really amazing and healing for him. Having sex for the first time (if not all the time) is very emotional for us INTJs (Adrian and my personality type) because we rarely let ourselves be vulnerable around others. We’re not used to being close or connected to other people, and we are often lonely, so sex can be totally overwhelming for us. It can also be a weapon used against us (like it is here) because we are usually so lonely and longing for affection. I think Adrian is taking what he can get. I definitely think he wants this here, but that’s up to debate.

Next clip: It looks like Takka and Sumi are taking turns going down on Adrian (giving him head). He is shaking visibly and his expression is strained. Now, I’ll be honest this doesn’t seem out of place in a sex scene, especially for the first time. (TMI= The first time someone went down on me I think I had a similar expression - it’s kinda nervewracking to be so vulnerable. Also, having two people go down on you at once? That’s got to be nervewracking, hence the shaking) Takka kisses down Adrian’s inner thigh and goes down. He seems to be rimming Adrian (licking his asshole) in the next scene, while Sumi gives him a handjob. Their expressions are starting to get progressively creepier. But Adrian is too caught up in pleasure to notice, I think. Adrian seems absolutely overwhelmed with pleasure in the next shot, breathing heavily - I think he’s about to orgasm. Takka lifts Adrian’s leg up, presumably so he can penetrate Adrian. He seems to enter Adrian in the next shot, but it’s off-screen. Sumi gets on top of him and pins down his arms, possibly having intercourse with him at this point. It’s not very clear. Anyway, they’re having sex/raping him.

Final clip: Adrian is gasping, flushed, and coming down off his orgasm. Takka nods to Sumi that it’s time to kill Adrian. Adrian looks to see what they are doing but it’s too late. It takes him a moment to understand that they’re trying to murder him. (I’m going to cry again, oh my sweet Adrian! I’m so sorry baby you didn’t deserve this at all) 

They betray him. Adrian closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see them die. He turns away.

Adrian whispers finally, “I never lied to you.”

\\author’s side note\\ YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLES I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU FUCKING BITCHES HE TRUSTED YOU AND YOU ARE RUINING HIS LIFE YOU DICKS HE DIDNT DESERVE THAT GO BURN IN HELL AND TAKE DRACULA AND LISAS PLACE YOU FUCKERS.

So, anyway, my final opinion is that Adrian is giving consent, but it is not informed consent (because Takka and Sumi are deceiving him), and therefore, it is rape. If you want the specific term it’s rape by deception. They lied about being his friends and allies, so they deceived his trust, given that their true intention was to murder him. 

{Sam Deats has confirmed this theory on Twitter. Thanks to all of you who supported me on this.}

He deserved better.

#castlevania #castlevania season 3 #castlevania spoilers #castlevania alucard #alucard #adrian tepes #Sypha Belnades #trevor belmont #Trevorcard #castlevania trevor #castlevania adrian tepes #castlevania dracula #lisa tepes #dracula #analysis #tv analysis #manipulation #blood #dark #spoilers

[tamhrayis]

ok! please please dont get me wrong, i am a WHORE for mikasa, but whenever im revisiting the table scene (especially now with the new ep) it bothers me how she didnt try saving armin from eren :( ik she held him after but idk it just made me a lil sad, especially since i really love armin and mikasa’s friendship so much. what do you think?

Hello! Oh well-

To be honest, it is a very controversial situation. I cherish Armin and Mikasa’s friendship, but I think that it was because she was terribly confused.

A person you wholeheartedly love and with who you couldn’t even talk in months came to you for the first time in a while just to tell you that he hates you. You can’t believe it and on top of that your close friend died, and everything around you is just collapsing every second.

Your loved ones are fighting each other and as a person who was in the same situation, I believe she simply couldn’t think of what she has to do. She was heavily crying and terribly shocked by the situation. Eren was furious and as I remember, he had the best scores at hand-to-hand combat during their cadet times along with Mikasa. I am not saying that he would fight her, but we will never know.

I am not even sure if Mikasa could fight him, because she was emotionally overwhelmed with everything that’s happening around her. Eren was definitely in advantage, because he is way taller than Armin and let’s be honest, combat was never Armin’s strong trait. Their fight was so fast, but, thank God, Armin has titan powers and it didn’t affect him physically as if he didn’t have them. At the end, Armin hurt Eren as well by hitting his soft spot.

Armin never blamed Mikasa for not defending him and yes, even though it was confusing, he understood her. Mikasa wasn’t in the position to defend Armin or even herself at that time. Eren went overboard with his words and I truly dislike what he did and both of them deserve a proper apology from Eren’s side. But at the same time we need to understand that both Eren and Armin are grown up people and it was their fight caused by their emotions. Mikasa can’t babysit or control them anymore especially knowing how hurt she was at that moment and it’s understandable.

#EREN DESERVED THAT PUNCH FROM ARMIN AND I DON’T MAKE THE RULES 💀 #Manifesting a NORMAL apology from Eren in ch.139👊😤 #damn dingus 💀 #I AM SORRY ARMIN😭 #SOMEONE GIVE THESE TWO A BIG HUG😭 #eren jaeger #mikasa ackerman #eremika #armin arlert #ema #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #snk spoilers #t-talks #ask

[luvknow]

anything for you | lee felix

genre: rich kid!felix x reader | rich kid au ; friends-to-lovers au ; food ; swearing warning ; alcohol warning ; drinking and driving warning ; abuse warning summary: felix’s family owns the largest restaurant franchise in the country and your family works under them. you two have spent your entire lives together and somehow you’ve turned into mini versions of your parents with a boss and secretary type relationship. it wasn’t until last year on his birthday when he tells you he loves you while drunk that your friendship dynamic dramatically changes, and it’s not for the better when he pretends it never happened. wc: 11.2k

You and Felix were two peas in a pod.

From the moment you two were born until your last months at university, you were tied in this relationship for life. Were you two dating? No, of course not! Were you two friends? Well…

Your friendship with Felix was complicated because it was kind of… bought. There was no way to put it lightly, that was simply the origin of your relationship. It all started when Felix’s rich ass CEO of a Dad hired your Dad to be his right hand man in all decision-making aspects of the company he ran. You thought of your Dad as a Chancellor to the King, which I mean was still a high position in the company, but your peers around you thought otherwise.

You attended all the same schools as Felix (thanks to his Dad’s connections), attended the same after school activities (also thanks to his Dad), and even attended the same overseas summer camps (thanks to his Dad who owned the plane that flew everyone). Even then, after being on the same level as Felix for over twenty years, everyone saw you as Felix’s Secretary who waited on his every word. As a kid, your Dad was transparent about how all the privileges you had were all because of Felix and his family and that you should always treat them with respect. And as an impressionable kid, of course you took that a little too literal.

Your Secretary title started in Pre-School when Felix was crying because he forgot his toy to take a nap with at home, so you offered yours. Those small, kind gestures turned into getting him drinks and snacks whenever he wanted, to tutoring him in subjects he had trouble with, to completing essays he didn’t want to complete, and you did it all without ever complaining.

So despite receiving all the same opportunities as all the other inheritance-dependent kids, you were the bottom-feeder of your entire grade.

“_____ ~” Felix whined while entering your apartment. “I’m hungry.”

You exited your bedroom fixing the last couple buttons on your dress shirt. You’re not surprised to see him in the least, as you’re used to him coming in whenever he pleased since he owned the other copy of the apartment keys. “I have food in the fridge.”

“I don’t want a huge meal before the shareholders meeting.”

“You know where the snacks are, what are you waiting for?”

“I just wanted to ask just in case.”

The excited boy wasted no time invading your pantry and grabbing a handful of fruit snack packets, some he stuffed in his dress pants pockets and some he immediately tore open. He made himself home by flopping on your couch, also known as his second bed, and scrolled through his rotation of dating apps while waiting for his dear friend to finish getting ready.

“Don’t lie down like that!” you nagged. “Your pants are going to get all wrinkly!”

Rolling his eyes, Felix sat up straight, to which you immediately fixed random strands of hair  that strayed away from the rest of his slick-back style.

“What are you, my mom?” he mumbled, swatting away your hands.

“Don’t you know how important this meeting is? We could land our internships today.”

“Do you really think I need to worry about that?”

“I guess not… You don’t even want to try out another company for a semester? Scope out your partners?”

“That’s exactly why I shouldn’t be doing that. I’ll look so shady! You probably shouldn’t be thinking about doing that either.”

A small pout emerges from your lips. As much as you owe the Lees and their company your life, you’d like to think the possibility of freeing yourself from their financial shackles was high, even if it was for just one semester. But Felix was right - in order to avoid any spying controversies, it was probably best to not even think about another company. Basically, you were trapped with this company for life.

“Ready to go?” Felix broke the silence. He was the first to leave your couch and head for the door without even bothering to wait for you to catch up.

When you finished locking your front door, you caught Felix looking at your business casual outfit a little too closely. If you weren’t so quick with your reflexes, you would have bumped right into his oddly bulging chest (has he been working out lately?). Still, his foxy eyes scanned you up and down, slowly and intimately.

“Wh-What are you doing…?” you asked nervously. “Is my outfit too bland? It’s ugly, isn’t it? I can’t really glam up for a business meeting, you know.”

“Chill, why are you being hella defensive right now?” he teased. “No, you look good. Honest. Good enough to stand next to me, at least. I wouldn’t stand next to Father if I were you.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“You kind of fit that secretary stereotype you like so much. Especially since you’ll be following me around all day.”

“I do not!”

“Yeah, ok,” Felix tossed you the keys to his expensive black sports car, to which you were also covered as a driver by his insurance. For someone who owns several expensive cars, he sure hates driving them. “Shotty.”

“There’s only two of us…”

The car ride was mostly silent other than the deafening rap music that blared through the subwoofers. Felix could tell you were nervous depending on how talkative you were. If you were blabbering on about how you looked or something arbitrary for at least fifteen minutes, you were probably nervous about a date or maybe a quiz that was coming up in class. If you were silent, he knew that the matter was much more serious. Silence meant that you believed no matter what you did to change yourself or improve upon past mistakes, there was no hope and that whatever was coming was absolute.

“Don’t worry about today,” he reassured after reading your mind. “It’s not like you’re talking in front of hundreds of people at the meeting.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re used to this type of crowd.”

“Are you not? We have class with those good-for-nothing kids of theirs, it’s like the same thing!”

“It is definitely not the same thing! These people have power and they’re smart! The uni is full of idiots who got in with bribes!”

“And you don’t think our shareholders do their fair share of bribing?”

“Of course they do, and that’s what makes them even more terrifying, Felix! They have that kind of power to either buy my entire life or buy out and make sure I never see anyone’s faces again!”

“You say it like you haven’t been shackled to me for over twenty years.”

“That’s different ok, I was a commodity, I couldn’t change anything as a fetus.”

“And now you think you can?”

“I mean, I’d like to think so. Am I crazy?”

“No, not at all.” Gingerly, Felix patted your head like a little kid. “You’ll be just fine ~ I can even introduce you to the ones you want to talk to if you’d like.”

“That’s ok. I’d like to try on my own.”

He understood completely. How he wished he could have that little bit of freedom… To even think about leaving the company behind to work for someone else was blasphemous.

The shareholders meeting was a social event like no other - like, it might as well be a ball with all the people attending and all the press surrounding and being in the building. You pulled up to the normal valet guy who only chuckled at your shocked expression. Felix, on the other hand, wasn’t all that surprised and was rather annoyed at how something as simple as a meeting was getting this much attention.

After dodging all of the press and making it through several thresholds to reach the conference room, you helped Felix prepare for his opening speech.

“You seem more nervous than me,” Felix teased while you quickly smoothed out the wrinkles in his jacket.

“I'm nervous all the damn time.”

“Well, can you quit it before I start sweating? This outfit was expensive. Do you have my speech?”

Searching through your trusty bottomless bag that held everything from tips from your part-time at the cafe to snacks in case Felix got whiny, you pulled out a medium-sized notepad with his opening speech written on it.

“Really, _____? Hand written?”

“My sentences sound better when I write them down instead of typing it!”

“At least it’s legible.” Felix’s Dad announced over the microphone on stage that the meeting will begin shortly. He saw the both of you standing off to the side and waved happily, to which you both could only wave back. The boy in front of you sighed, and it’s the first time today he seemed only slightly nervous. He turned to you. “How do I look?”

How did the most handsome boy you’ve come to know look this morning? Dressed in navy with a white button-down, ears bejeweled and shining in the bright lights, his eyes and his smile sly and foxy, so of course to you he was the only one in the room who you had your eyes on because no one else could ever compare. That’s how it’s always been. 

Gentle fingers startled Felix, only for him to realize you were fixing his monogrammed silver tie clip. “You look just fine.”

“‘Just fine’? Not the sexiest man in the entire world?”

“I’d hardly call you a man…”

“Welcome to the YONGBOK Inc. Shareholders Meeting,” greeted your Father while on stage. Felix noticeably cringed at the sound of his birth name slash company name. “We will begin this meeting with an opening remark from Mr. Lee’s son, Felix.”

“Go get ‘em, Tiger,” you whispered with two thumbs up.

A loud round of applause erupted from the audience filled with press and shareholders. Lee Felix was named one of the most influential people under twenty-five this year and has consistently landed spots on Forbes’ 30 Under 30 list so yes, Felix was always highly anticipated as a guest to fashion shows and charity balls and even more so as a speaker for his future company. Though it was only less than a minute ago he was jittery with nerves, the second he stepped on stage in front of the podium, it was as if he was born to be a public speaker.

“Good morning, honored guests,” he began in his deep voice that startled unfamiliar guests..

His speech - your speech - wasn’t that long, since it was a simple welcome to all the rich people who gave the Lee’s their money. Regardless of its length, Felix somehow drifted his gaze towards the right where you stood. You, who always stood by him and was his friend through everything, stood at the sidelines giving him your unwavering support, even through this minor milestone. Despite this huge corporate building being the last place you want to be, still, you were here by his side.

In your eyes though, it looked like maybe his stage fright was worse than you expected, so you gave him two thumbs up again for reassurance. You couldn’t really tell what he was thinking because he seemed totally fine, in fact his execution was quite flawless, it was just… Why wouldn’t he look into the cameras? The stage lights that shined on him showcased the bright grin he gave when he saw how confused you looked.

“We will continue to work hard together so that YONGBOK will continue being the best restaurant franchise in the country,” was the motto of the company and how Felix ended the speech. With a deep bow and a wink for fan service, he exited the stage.

He fell into your arms clutching his heart. “Ugh, that was so scary!”

“You did fine,” you mumbled, quickly pushing him off before any cameras caught you. Still, he swung an arm around your shoulders unapologetically.

“All right, let’s ditch this popsicle stand.”

“You know we can’t do that or our Fathers will kill us.”

“You think I haven’t died and resurrected like a rising phoenix dozens of times?”

“Leave if you want, it’s your suicide.”

“You won’t come with me?” the handsome boy pouted.

“I’m not actually your secretary, you know.”

“I know, but I’ll be so lonely… Did you at least bring a snack?”

Felix decided to stay when he realized you weren’t kidding about wanting to sit through the entire meeting. Your right ear was focused on all the questions shareholders and the press had while your left ear focused on the child you were babysitting playing with the chocolate bar wrapper. Eventually the conflicting sounds merged into one when the lack of caffeine in your veins made it hard to concentrate for long hours.

“Bet you wished you left with me a couple hours ago, huh?” Felix teased once everything was over.

“Whatever. The important thing is that it’s over now.”

“Are you going to go talk with some of the shareholders?”

That was the original plan - to land an internship at a different company and slowly but surely escape the bubble that is the Lees’ world, but what was the use of making life harder on yourself if you’ll just be seen as a spy? What was the use in anything anymore when your life was determined the moment you came out of the womb?

You shook your head tiredly. “Nah, I think I’ll save that for another time.”

Felix linked his arm with yours like you were the gentleman and he was the lady. The warmth of another body so close to yours was only familiar when it was his, and you wished your body was unbiased and rejected anything within a five feet radius. “You wanna hang out with me that much?”

“Who said I’m hanging out with you? I’m driving you home.”

“No come on, let’s hang out today! Neither of us have class and when was the last time it was just the two of us?”

By ‘just the two of you’, he meant when was the last time you and him hung out without any business involved? When was the last time you and him had pizza together after a long week of midterms and studying, or the last time he picked you up from your part time at the cafe to have a cup of coffee, or the last time you talked about anything other than being ordered around by the Prince himself?

The answer to that question was last year on his birthday when he got too wasted and you didn’t have the strength to carry him up his multi-story mansion, so instead you carried him up to your humble apartment and let him crash on your bed the whole weekend (insisted upon staying the whole weekend because all the puking made him ‘weak’ and ‘dehydrated’).

Truth be told, you loved Felix’s company, whether it was business or personal. The hesitation was because you wondered if he truly felt the same way, especially since he never spoke about that night on his birthday. That night, a lot was said, but nothing was ever confirmed, so you were left in limbo while Felix managed to live in ignorant bliss.

It was better this way.

“I guess it’s been a while…” you trailed off.

“It’s been forever, love. Can we go to your cafe? I’m really craving the strawberry milk latte thing.”

“Anything for you, Felix ~”

“That’s what I like to hear.”

“Felix,” the haunting voice of his father echoed from behind. “Come here for a second -”

“That’s our cue!” The wild blond took you by the hand and sprinted out the conference room doors before his dad could catch him.

As if already predicting the time of events for the shareholders meeting, the valet already had the sports call pulled up and tossed you the keys for maximum efficiency.

“Hey, you’re hand-eye coordination is getting better!” Felix teased while hopping in the front seat.

“And your fear for your dad is not.”

“It’s not fear, it’s pure distaste. Completely different.”

The short ride to your cafe was anything but quiet as Felix filled you in on his most recent Tinder match. The story was something along the lines of ‘she was hot, but kind of stupid’, and you weren’t exactly sure what came after that because, well, you didn’t care. Hearing about the guy you were in love with slash your childhood friend slash the guy whose family bought out your family’s current dating app situation wasn’t exactly the most ideal setting, but hey, it beats sitting in that conference room for any longer.

The cafe was surprisingly not as busy around lunch time, even though it was Friday. Other than a few customers, the only other person in the cafe was your coworker Wooyoung who was busy dramatically singing to whatever drama OST was playing over the intercom.

“Are you making it?” Felix asked, referring to his strawberry latte.

“I wasn’t planning on it since I’m not working.”

“... Can you?”

“Are you serious!?”

“The last time someone other than you made my drinks, they tasted watery!”

He wasn’t wrong - a lot of the baristas here were a bit lazy with the job. You and Wooyoung were among the very few who genuinely cared for the cafe, the menu, and its customers. You supposed you could take a moment to step away from Felix - you sort of missed the barista behind the counter, anyways.

“Sit tight,” you told Felix, who obeyed happily at his favorite table.

Wooyoung with his cutesy cheeky grin chucked one of the ugly brown work aprons right at your face, to which you only whipped right back.

“I’m not working and you know that!”

“Can’t a guy dream to have the same shift with his favorite coworker? What are you doing here then?”

“Making a strawberry latte.”

“For yourself or for His Highness over there?”

“Do you even have to ask?”

Wooyoung knew all too well what your relationship was like with Felix and that was because he was also one of the elite, also known as a trust fund son. Wooyoung and Felix were from the same side of a coin, reigning from families whose net worth could buy out entire towns. The circle of the elite had a lot of members, but it was tight-knit, so everyone knew everything about everyone else. You were included in Felix’s dossier.

“You know, _____, you are your own person,” Wooyoung tisked as he hovered over you making the fruity drink. It was as simple as pouring milk over some strawberry compote (Felix liked it when there was extra compote) and shaking vigorously.

“You telling me that whenever I come in with him totally makes it more valid than the last time.”

“You know I’m just looking out for you.” His soft fingers gently pinched your cheeks. “You’re so sour today, I kind of like it.”

“Aren’t you known for liking people who have zero interest in you?”

“Exactly, so you better watch your attitude or I’ll steal you away from Mr. Lee Felix ~”

“You’re so weird!” Even so, Wooyoung stole a kiss on your bruised cheek before helping the customer at the counter. The aftermath left your face burning up, even though you were used to his flirtatiousness by now.

Of course Felix saw the entire interaction. Though he tried to hide behind his phone, he made sure to still have a view of whatever you and that spoiled ‘I-own-a-yacht’ Wooyoung were doing. You were much different around him than you were with that cheeky bastard behind the counter. With Felix, you were strict, quiet, and pouty, but with Wooyoung you were able to smile more and joke around and even laugh when you flicked whipped cream in his hair. In those short five minutes, that was a type of you he hasn’t been able to see since high school.

But now? You were so cold and distant. He could barely hang out with you without it seeming like it was some business meeting. What changed?

Felix watched you walk back to him holding his pink drink with your cheeks to match its color.

“I didn’t know you two were so close,” he said bitterly after you both exited the cafe.

“We work together, of course we’re close. You’re welcome, by the way.”

You’ll take his happy humming as he inhaled the latte as a thank you. “You talk about how much you hate some of your coworkers all the time!”

“I guess I do… but he’s different.”

“Of course he is…”

The handsome and pouty boy beside you did his best to ignore your accusing glare. “Do you have some beef with him, or something.”

“No,” he said simply in between gulps. “I just don’t like him.”

“You don’t like any boy I talk to.”

“Exactly.”

“So what happens when I really like someone? Do they need your ‘Lee Seal of Approval’?”

“Yup.”

You sighed heavily. “Why do you enjoy making my life so hard?”

“Because I love you, that’s why!”

You couldn’t count on all your fingers and toes how many times Felix has said ‘I love you’ since his birthday party. With his special day coming up again, the words hit harder than usual, even when you knew he was joking, but no ‘I love you’ hurt more than the first time he said it last year before he passed out on your bed.

Speaking of which, “Sooo ~ Guess what next week is ~?” Felix sang cheekily after hopping in the car.

“Uh, midterms week?”

“No ~”

“Buy one get one free soju at the karaoke place?”

“No…”

“Oh wait, isn’t it Han’s birthday next week?” He knew you were trying to push his buttons, but it clearly worked by the way he was glaring at you. “Yeah, that must be it.”

“So mean…”

“Are you two throwing a joint party again?”

“Yeah, but I think we’re skipping the club scene and throwing it at his house instead.”

“Wow, the Lee Felix is tired of the club scene?” you scoffed. “Never thought I would see the day.”

“Maybe it’s just my eyesight getting worse - I’d like to see who I’m hitting on for once.” One sharp stab in your heart. “Will you help me plan?”

Did you really have any other choice? “Of course.”

“Yes ~ This’ll totally top last year’s party!”

You sure hoped so, and you hoped you wouldn’t remember a single moment of it.

--

Planning for the party didn’t start until a couple days before the big date. Since Jisung was hosting, it was Felix’s responsibility to come up with all the decor and the theme and literally all the smaller bits and pieces of the party.

“Honey, I’m home ~” Felix sang as he walked into your apartment. An aroma of fresh spices and cooked meat and roasted vegetables hit his nose upon entering. “Whoa, are you cooking!?”

“We can’t plan on an empty stomach,” you stated the obvious. Immediately, a bowl of rice and the fixings was handed to the grinning boy.

“I love it when you cook. I haven’t eaten your cooking in a while.”

“I didn’t know you liked my cooking,” you blushed. “I haven’t cooked for you that often.”

“It’s because we’re both always so busy or we just eat the restaurant’s food when we’re lazy.” A happy hum came from his lips. “You have a mad talent for this, you know.”

“Do I?”

“Of course! The Boy with the God Tongue himself said so!” Being the future heir of the country’s largest restaurant franchise meant ridiculous chef-related nicknames, to which Felix enjoyed whole-heartedly. “You know this means I’m never going to let you leave YONGBOK.”

“Can you stop, you’re so embarrassing, it’s not that amazing!”

“You stop! Quit undermining your talents.”

“If it’s so good, what do you like about it?”

“For one, there’s tons of balance between the flavors. It’s also not as salty, which is what some of the chefs in some locations are having trouble with lately. But the best part is that it feels like home when I eat your cooking.”

“Like home? Like… as if your in-house chef was cooking it?”

Felix chuckled cutely. “No, I mean it feels like someone who loves me very much made this with lots of care.”

You’re too stunned to say anything right away. It felt as if Felix caught you in his trap and was forcing you to admit something that he knew from the very start. But now was not the time nor was it the place. As a response, you turned away and chugged the rest of your glass of water.

“Right,” you cleared your throat awkwardly. “G-Glad you liked it.”

Felix wondered why you wouldn’t look at him. “S-So, let’s get started?”

You took a bowl of food for yourself and refilled Felix’s before settling down at the table. “Do you have an idea for a theme?”

“Ok, hear me out - casino themed?”

“Isn't that underage gambling? Sounds super illegal to me.”

“Right, right… Ok, how about, uh, a masquerade?”

“Not bad, but a little cliche, no?”

“But it’s so sexy! Classy clothes, bejeweled masks -”

“Choreographed waltzing?”

“Yes! For the first half of course, then we’ll probably bump the real shit after a couple of drinks.”

“Hm, I actually like that.” You entered the theme into your notes. “Cool, we have a theme down. Now for all the decoration…”

That itself took about an hour. Imagine, talking about banners and balloon arches, and personalized masks for a whole hour with the most indecisive human being alive. How he’s expected to make major decisions for a multi-million dollar company one day, you’ll never know.

“Ugh,” you were over it, at least for another hour. You couldn’t take comparing different shades of gold and different grades of champagne anymore. Your couch was supposed to be your safe space away from Felix, but he followed you like a puppy and laid his head on your lap.

“This weekend is going to be so much fun! Did you get me a gift yet ~?”

“Uh, maybe…”

“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise, silly.”

“Can I at least get a hint?”

“Probably the cheapest gift you’ll get.”

“Hey.” Felix silenced any doubt you had about your gift by taking one of your hands in his and holding it over his chest. He closed his eyes, tired from the day, tired by your constant doubts, tired of it all. “You know I don’t care about that kind of stuff when it comes to you.”

“I know, but I do.”

“Well, don’t. My favorite gifts have always been from you.”

“Even more than the diamond chain from Chan?”

“... Your gifts are my favorite after that one.” Your free hand poked his freckled cheek, causing him to laugh and smile brighter than the sun. Lying here with you made him happy. “I miss hanging out with you like this.”

“We hang out all the time!”

“Not like this. We never just chill out together and not worry about anything. We’re always worrying about something, especially since we started uni.”

“Uni sort of defines our future, so of course there’s tons to worry about.”

“Not for me. My life has been predetermined. If you think about it, uni doesn’t define your future, either.”

“I wish you didn’t tell me that,” you groaned. “You’re so right. What’s the point when the two of us are just going to take over our Father’s positions, anyways!?”

“Does our future together sound that miserable to you?” he teased. You wished he didn’t word it that way.

“Not miserable, but doesn’t it suck that we don’t have that sort of freedom? You and I have had our lives predetermined since birth!”

“Perhaps it was fate that you would be my Chancellor and I would be your King,” Felix snickered.

“Call it whatever you want, but where’s the joy we could get from spontaneity and disorder?”

“Good point. But I think you and I will find that joy just fine.”

“You think so?”

“Mhm. Life will always be a joy if I’m with you.” A tired smile spread across his lips. “You and I make a disorderly pair.”

You and him were definitely a disorderly pair. It was like you two were in a modern-day forbidden friendship that was only seen in royal fairy tales. Felix was the Prince, the apple of everyone’s eye, the boy with the highest ranking just below the King. You were the lowly common person who devoted their life to the castle and serving the royal family. Somehow, even with the drastic gap between your social classes, you both found each other and became inseparable. 

Through childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, the time spent together naturally formed your feelings for Felix to nothing less than love. You were the number one witness of seeing him laugh, smile, cry, and scream through all his happiness, sadness, and anger. You were the only one who knew the exact number of freckles that dusted his cheeks. You knew what specific snacks he wanted for certain craving occasions, his favorite orders at every restaurant, how he liked his instant ramen (with egg, American cheese, and green onions), and especially his cafe drink orders. When they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you supposed that was especially true for Felix.

After over twenty whole years together, how the fuck were you supposed to avoid falling in love? How were you supposed to look at Felix and feel with your whole chest that you were not madly in love with his beautiful face and his kind heart? When Felix told you he loved you with slurred words on his birthday last year, how were you supposed to let that go and live on like you didn’t cry in the shower for a whole month afterwards?

You put the blame for the disorder in this messed-up friendship all on Felix, but you couldn’t help but clean it up and do your best to keep it together. So when he forgot he said those magic words, you did your best to forget them, too, but the best you could do was bury the memory away and cover it up with work and school. It wasn’t the most ideal way to deal with the issue, you knew that, but the important part was that it was working even if it was just a little bit.

Felix was the first to wake up the next morning. You didn’t move a single muscle and ended up sleeping upright since he used you as a pillow. Still, your hand was in his and the other tangled in his messy blond hair and truly, being here with you was the only place that felt like home.

--

The day of the party was filled with chaos on your end, as you had to wake up at 6:00 am just to make it to Jisung’s pool house in time to set up the decorations for the joint birthday party. You ended up directing all the crews to where the cocktail tables needed to be set up, where the instagram photobooth should go, and where the Michelin-star chefs were going to set up for dinner. The most important part was the dance floor, which would be clean with nothing but some shoe scuffs for the first couple of hours and probably stained with different colors of liquor by the end of the night.

By noon you were totally wiped out having a stomach full of only coffee and a granola bar. The worst part was that you didn’t get a chance to buy a mask yet and would probably have to settle for some cheap recycled paper with sequins and feathers glued on it from the birthday party store down the block.

But as if the Gods’ translated your feelings telepathically to Felix, your Prince in shining armor came to the rescue with a sandwich, more coffee, and something in a matte black gift bag. The gesture, though small, made your cheeks burn the brightest of pinks. It was your first time seeing and talking with Felix since he left the comfort of your lap a couple of nights ago. Although you were unsure of yourself (as with any situation, am I right?), the Prince didn’t seem so phased.

“I figured you could use a pick-me-up,” he grinned brightly, handing you all the goods.

“You are a blessing,” you sighed, chugging the iced coffee. “What’s in the black bag?”

“It’s a surprise. Open it.”

“I thought today was your birthday?”

“It’s nothing big, I promise!”

You shot him a skeptical look, but opened up the gift regardless. Inside was an intricately bejeweled mask for tonight, colored perfectly to match your outfit.

“I went to your apartment because I thought you’d be there,” Felix began shyly. “I went to your room and saw your entire outfit laid out, but no mask, so I figured you didn’t have one yet. I bought one to match your outfit and to match mine! Mine looks exactly like that, but black.”

“You really didn’t have to,” you pouted, though staring at the shiny jewels adoringly. It was gorgeous and you never thought in your lifetime you could own anything so glamorous. The gesture lifted an extremely loaded weight off your shoulders and you couldn’t help but hug the birthday boy as a thank you. “You’re the best, thank you.”

“Anything for you, love.”

“Also, please stop going into my bedroom.”

“What, afraid I’m going to raid your panties?”

“Yes.”

“That’s fair.”

Felix spent the rest of the day helping you make the pool house perfect since it was also technically his job as the co-host. Holding the ladder while you hung up crystal decor was reminiscent of past Christmas parties that his family hosted. Your two families would come together and prepare the cookies, the eggnog, and the presents for the whole morning before the big party that started around dinner time, and you and Felix were in charge of the Christmas tree. He’s not too big on heights, so he always made you hang the ornaments on the top layer. It was a very adult networking and old people gambling games type of party, so you and Felix would always sneak off into his basement and play video games or watch corny movies with a stolen tray of sugar cookies.

The Christmas before uni was probably the last one where you two felt like kids and didn’t have to worry about what kinds of feelings would get in the way of your beautiful friendship.

“Ugh, my calves are burning,” you whined on your way down from the ladder. Your legs gave out on the second step down and the weight of your tired body pulled you down, causing you to drop to your death from a mere five feet above.

Luckily, your Prince had quick reflexes and caught you bridal style. As kids, it was surprising when Felix could carry anything even half his weight with his twiggy arms, but the fact that he could hold you without struggling or even breaking a sweat was the closest you’ve ever experienced a miracle.

A gentle, handsome smile came from his lips. “You ok?” he asked in his deep voice.

No, you’re definitely not, but lying was ok in this situation. “F-F-Fine! I am fine!”

“Are you sure?”

“Y-Yes! Uh, you can put me down now…!”

“Hm, but I kind of like holding you like this.” You hit his rock-hard chest lightly, to which he recoiled dramatically before placing you down gently. “Is that how you thank your hero!?”

“Thank you, My Hero.”

“That’s more like it.”

It wasn’t until around dinner time when you left Felix alone to be in charge of guiding all the caterers to their cooking spots while you sped home to get ready as fast as you could. You didn’t want to leave Felix in charge for more than an hour, otherwise there would be more room for error.

You must have had such little faith in him because he did as was told without any issues and was done well before the party was going to start. He took the down time to put on his satin black suit and fix his blond hair before putting on the matching mask. While looking in the floor-to-ceiling mirror, of course he admitted to himself that he would be the sexiest one at the party, but something about the view didn’t seem right. He didn’t have you beside him hyping him up like always. The view in the mirror was lonely without you.

“Good job with the chefs!” you called into the dressing room unannounced.

Felix could see you jogging in wearing the full outfit he saw on your bed this morning, now complete with the mask he gifted you in the reflection of the mirror. The view of you was stunning, so much to the point that the Prince himself was too afraid to turn around and look at you with his own eyes. You reminded him of the story of Medusa, who would turn men into stone if they dared to look at you, and Felix thought that he was well past that point, already frozen in place with his jaw dropped and hands fixated on his crooked tie.

Luckily, you didn’t seem to notice as you stepped in between him and the mirror. The feel of your knuckles brushing up against his chest broke him free of his frozen state, causing him to hitch his breath in his throat. It was very un-Felix-like to be this nervous, especially before an event that circled around him, but perhaps it was his sobriety that made him jittery.

“You good?” you reciprocated after a long moment of silence.

Prince Felix cleared his throat before speaking. “Yeah.”

“Nervous?”

“I guess so.”

“What do you have to be nervous about other than being the center of attention in front of hundreds of people?” you teased lightly.

“It’s not like I know everyone, though.”

“What do you mean? You and Han invited all the people you normally party with.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like I’m friends with all of them. I don’t hang out with them before 10:00 pm.”

Even behind the mask, you could tell his nerves were sincere. “Are you having regrets about this party?”

“I wouldn’t say regrets… I don’t know. I’m sorry, I know you put a lot of work into this.”

“Do you not want to go -”

“No! No, I want to go.” To ditch a party you worked on for forty-eight hours would be like slapping you in the face and he knew that. But he also knew if he said yes, you would follow him wherever he’d go in a heartbeat because that’s how much you loved him. He cleared his throat once more. “Will you stay with me?”

You raised a brow, unsure if you heard correctly. “Stay with you?”

“As in, will you stay by my side tonight?”

“You want me by your side the whole night?” Oh, how the tables have turned, in which Felix with his blushing cheeks couldn’t look you in the eyes as he nodded shyly. It was hard to believe what you were seeing with your own eyes and you wondered if you were dreaming. “Ok.”

“Really?”

Softly, you straightened his mask. “Anything for you, birthday boy.”

The anxiety from the claustrophobia of the party was replaced with the thought of being with you the whole night, but this is how he’d rather be. No longer did he want to stay in this room he filled with bad energy, so he took you by the hand and led you back to the main room where guests quickly filled in. Anxiety filled his chest again and you felt it through his hand squeezing yours tightly, as if afraid you would let go and slip away into the crowd where he’d never see you for the rest of the night. You’re not sure what’s gotten into him and you didn’t want to make it worse, so you led him to the tables of food hoping he could fill the emptiness in hopes of loosening up a little.

Even while eating food, Felix refused to let go of your hand, so you had to act as his free hand and feed him gourmet finger foods.

“You’re even more of a baby on your birthday,” you scoffed.

“But you love babying me, right?” he teased.

“I don’t know if ‘love’ is the right answer…”

The beginning of the night was nothing short of energy-draining as every single guest came up to greet Felix on his birthday and greeted you second. It was crazy that even in a room full of hundreds of peers, the crowd was still able to distinguish the birthday boys from everyone else, but you supposed it was easy because who else was blond and this handsome? The same way you looked at Felix, everyone else also had their eyes on him because he was truly that stunning in a crowded room.

It was occasions like these when you felt most out of place. You only ‘belonged’ here because Felix was your ticket in, but you would never become one of the elite. You didn’t have all the luxury of buying a new outfit or new jewels for every occasion like everyone else here. You were a simple person in your humble apartment living your predetermined life and getting by without any conflict, all thanks to him. That was what made you believe for twenty years that you had no right to fall for Felix the way you did - you were nothing more than the King’s hired Chancellor.

Even so, when the whole room was looking at him, he only looked at you.

The next song was a common waltz song that was played at every masquerade party on the planet. With a hop in his step, you found the birthday boy in front of you bowing with his hand still in yours.

“Will you dance with me?” he asked dramatically like he was playing a character.

“Why, of course, Your Highness.”

Waltz dancing was definitely not the first talent you’d think of while wondering what Felix was good at, but to your surprise, it was like he’d been taking classes for years. You knew little-to-nothing about it yourself, but it was easier when your date took the lead and you didn’t have to think, just follow. It was a ride, honestly, and you couldn’t stop yourself from giggling, even when the dance finished with Felix dipping you, faces close and noses barely touching.

You hardly noticed his eyes shift to your lips in the midst of all the giggles. “When did you learn to do that!?”

“Last night,” he admitted sheepishly. “Are you impressed?”

“Very.”

“Then those three hours of Youtube tutorials were worth it.”

Your predicted cycle of food, dancing, alcohol, and back to food was correct. Several rounds lasted several hours to the point where you were at the perfect amount of tipsy, but still able to navigate, although if any more rounds of alcohol were going to happen, you might be in trouble. Keeping up with the birthday boy was so hard!

But you didn’t mind, because the poison made you forget about how much you didn’t belong there and swept any overreaction to Felix’s affection under the rug, though it was getting harder to do the latter, as each shot meant closing the distance between you and him. Somehow, you went from holding his hand to his hand never leaving your waste, with your bodies keeping close contact, a feeling you’ve always been familiar with even when sober, but this time was different.

“So,” he began in the middle of the dance floor. “When do I get my gift?”

“How about after your birthday cake?”

“Birthday cake?”

On cue, the lights dimmed and the music stopped. Jisung found his way next to Felix and all the chefs rolled out a giant tiered cake with candles on it, cueing all the guests to sing happy birthday. You made sure to keep the design simple, but the flavors immaculate and matching the boys’ palates because that was the most important part. Even from afar, you could smell the chocolate.

You tried to step away from him so that he and Jisung could have the spotlight together, but even then he didn’t want you to leave. He squeezed your side a little tighter, a silent gesture that said, ‘please don’t go.’

By now, you were starting to sober up a bit and that was a bad sign because now you were realizing that this whole night would be forgotten tomorrow, just like last year. Still, you stayed by his side because that’s what he wanted.

Why it had to be you, you’ll never know, but the feeling was too right to question it.

At the end of the song, the birthday boys blew out the candles and the cheers deafened your ear drums. What shocked you next was the feeling of soft lips on your cheek.

“Thank you,” Felix whispered with so much adoration. “For everything.”

You’ll never be able to recover from tonight. “Why are you like this all of a sudden? Have you had too much to drink?”

A cute giggle escaped his lips. “No, I’m fine. This day feels extra special, that’s all. You’re the reason.”

Felix was such a smooth honey talker when there was a little something swimming in his bloodstream. You should know better not to take these words to heart, but you can’t help it when they’ve all you’ve ever wanted to hear. A repeat of last year was bound to happen any second.

You did your best to avoid the compliment. “Do you want your gift now?”

“Ooh, yes!”

The gift was hidden in the room you find him in earlier today. You were too embarrassed to set it up next to the gift table that was dressed in bags with brands like Cartier and Gucci, so you stashed it away from the rest. The bouncy and excited boy had the widest grin on his face, impatiently waiting for you to present him with what you had.

“Close your eyes,” you demanded.

Felix held out his hands with his eyes closed and expected something small, like a watch or a cupcake or some plush toy that he could strap on his keychain, but instead nearly stumbled forward holding something as heavy as a textbook.

“Ok, open your eyes.”

He wasn’t too far off, actually. In his hands was a thick, heavy book titled “Felix & _____” that you printed out on an embossed label maker. Inside were infinite pages of pictures, stamps, receipts, travel brochures, foreign currency, movie tickets, anything and everything from most if not all the memories you spent together over the past twenty years. The first few pages were filled with old film pictures and polaroids you had to steal from your parents and the later pages progressively got more crowded with trinkets and things when you two were old enough to hang out on your own.

For a while, Felix was silent as he flipped through all the memories. There wasn’t a smile on his face, no tears streaming down his cheeks, in fact he was emotionless and now you were confused. He told you he didn’t care about money or the cost of gifts when it came to you, but…

“You hate it,” you stated rather than asking.

Felix looked up at you, completely sobered up, with the most incredulous expression. “Of course not,” he reassured softly. “I love it. So much. You saved all of this…?”

“I saved every receipt that wasn’t smudged with barbecue sauce or oil and every movie ticket since the start. I had boxes full of it and I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I didn’t have the heart to throw it away, so I made you a scrapbook. It took forever, but luckily your family’s historian captured a lot of the earlier stuff.” Felix was listening, but his eyes were fixated on the last page, where you pasted a single picture of a selfie you two took just a couple days ago. “Happy birthday, Felix.”

Flipping through the scrapbook made him realize that yes, so much has changed between the two of you. There’s so much growth and care and love in between the pages and the fine lines that isn’t seen unless you look for it. As he looked at you, with your cheeks dusted scarlet and wearing your heart on your sleeve, perhaps him pretending he didn’t tell you he loved you last year was what was slowly drifting you away from him, because how were you going to deny to his face that you didn’t love him, too?

Perhaps it was best you would admit it to him on your own time. For now, he hoped a gentle kiss on your forehead would push you a little bit.

His rose petal lips left your forehead tingling. “You’re the best. Thank you.”

When Felix tried to close the gap in between, you took a large step back. You couldn’t look him in his eyes and now he’s confused and his heart hurts.

“Why do you keep doing that?” you asked.

“Doing what?”

“Holding my hand, holding me, kissing me…”

“Oh, I thought you were ok with all of that.”

You take a deep breath. You can’t let last year repeat itself. “You’re wrong.”

“I’m wrong?”

“You can’t just do that whenever you feel like it.”

“Do what!?”

“Play with my feelings!” You took another breath to calm you down and prevent anymore tears that were about to pool. “I have feelings, Felix. You can’t just use me whenever you feel like it and take it all back like it never happened the next morning!”

“I have feelings, too. How the fuck else was I supposed to deal with the night I told you I love you and you didn’t say it back?”

You’re left stunned and speechless. Felix just admitted to you that he once told you he loved you. He didn’t have to say when for you to know that he was talking about the inebriated self on your bed mumbling those three words as you tucked him in on his birthday last year.

“You didn’t say it back and I thought you didn’t feel the same, so I pretended to forget all about it. But now I know you feel the same,” he begged desperately. “I just know. Tell me I’m wrong, _____. Tell me I’m wrong to think that after all these years together, I think you fell in love with me the same way I fell in love with you.”

You couldn’t say anything. You couldn’t admit that he was right because he was drunk then and he’s still a little intoxicated now. But even if he’s right, even though you both knew how much you loved every cell of Felix, what if all this sweet talk was brewed by the mix of drinks that settled in his core? What if he forgets again tomorrow and you’re left in a worse state than you were last year? What if the alcohol just jogged last year’s memory that was stored deep in his cortex that only tequila was able to unlock?

The more you tried to make an excuse for it, the more ridiculous it sounded...

When you didn’t say anything right away, Felix was sure if he had his ribs broken that it would hurt less than the pain he felt in his chest right now. But that wasn’t your fault - nothing was ever your fault. This was all his doing because that’s what Felix did best - screw everything up.

The blond’s once hurt expression turned to stone before he dropped the scrapbook onto the cushioned chair next to his belongings.

“My mistake then,” he muttered before leaving you alone in the room.

“Felix, wait -” but it was too late, he was already out of the room to do something stupid to forget what just happened.

You ran after him, but the party room was so loud and dark and filled to the brim with guests that you couldn’t find him. In a room full of people, you were always able to find Felix no matter what, but it’s like he changed the makeup of the atmosphere to make sure that wouldn’t happen again for the rest of the night. You tried looking for blond locks from high ground, you tried snaking your way on the dance floor, you even checked the private rooms and men’s bathrooms in the whole house and none of them worked. You were afraid that after all the heartbreak, you wouldn’t see him again for a long while.

You bumped into Jisung in an empty hallway, who seemed out of breath like he was running a marathon just now.

“You have to come with me,” he gasped in urgency.

“What happened?”

“It’s Felix. He’s about to race Wooyoung.”

Those five words sounded like a terrible ad-lib in the newspaper, but when you followed Jisung to the front of the pool house, lo and behold half of the guests were gathered around the two boys who looked like they were about to get into a fist fight. In Felix’s hand, you could see that he was holding the keys to his sports car that was already parked out front.

Wooyoung’s the first to see you run to them from the crowd, with Jisung following behind you. “Hey, _____. Can you tell Prince Charming here that I’m not about to race him and go to jail?”

“That’s because you’re a pus -”

Jisung held Wooyoung back before he could get a swing in and you stepped in between. This was the first time you got a good look at his face, which was tear-stained and flushed red, all because of you.

“What are you doing!?” you muttered harshly.

“Trying to understand what you see in this guy. It’s not his looks, or his brains. Can’t be his car either, but I just wanted to prove my prediction just in case.”

His breath smelled like freshly poured alcohol. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Am I ridiculous, though? I think I might be onto something when I said there’s something that you see in him.”

“There’s nothing, so can you please give me your keys so we can talk inside?”

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

Ouch. “Ok, we won’t talk. Let’s do something else -”

“I don’t want to do something else with you. I want to race and kick his ass.”

“You want to crash and burn that badly?” Wooyoung screamed over Jisung’s shoulders. “Fine, let’s drive!”

The crowd cheering only boosted Felix’s ego more, so he broke free from your wall and walked towards his car.

“Felix, don’t do this!” you cried out desperately, and for a second you could see the hesitation, but it was easily overcome.

“If you don’t want to be here, then go home. I don’t need you.”

The crowd oohed in unison and your left in the middle of the circle humiliated, watching the boy you loved the most get into his car and prepare to race your coworker. There’s a myriad of scenarios that fly through your mind of what could go wrong and you’re not sure if you should stay for the mess of the aftermath. But Felix said it himself that he didn’t need you, so maybe you should follow his advice and go home.

If something were to happen to him and you weren’t there to pick up the pieces and mend them back together, you would never forgive yourself. Your life’s purpose had always been to help Felix mend his pieces together whenever he needed it. But maybe this was his way of telling you that you were no longer needed for that - that you were free of all your duties as his personal fake secretary and since he thought you didn’t love him back that you served no purpose to him anymore.

When Felix said he didn’t need you, he meant that he didn’t need you to be the person you always were. He didn’t need you to be his babysitter trying to stop him from doing something stupid, he needed you as someone who wanted to stop him because you loved him and was afraid that he’d get hurt. And perhaps it was his mistake for saying it so harshly because you didn’t bother to stop him after that. But it hurt him to his core that you believed him when he said he didn’t need you anymore, that after twenty years you so easily believed that he could cut you out of his life, just like that. How many stupid mistakes could Felix make tonight? He was too far into this that he couldn’t back out, so all he had to do was race and make it out alive to see you again.

From the rear view mirror, he saw your distant figure fade away with the night.

--

It has been a long sixty-eight hours and twenty-four minutes since you arrived home from the birthday party. Hermit crabbing for the first twelves hours was stressful - you couldn’t sleep until 6:00 am, you only slept for a couple hours, you sent mass text messages to multiple people, including Felix, curious about his whereabouts and no one got back to you until twelve hours after that.

han solo [8:43 pm]: sorry darling, i like just woke up. he’s fine i guess.

you [8:44 pm]: what do you mean you ‘guess’!?

han solo [8:44 pm]: i mean they both came out unscathed and his dumbass won so physically he’s fine! but he didn’t seem too happy that he won. i think he’s back home with his parents atm.

That settled your racing heart only a little, but at least you knew he was fine physically, at least. Still, your hundreds of texts sent to him were all left on read, meaning he saw all your desperation and worry and didn’t bother to ease any of it.

You couldn’t eat for those long hours, but now it was getting unbearable and you needed to eat something. You had all the ingredients for Felix’s favorite soup, and as much as you didn’t want to constantly remind yourself of him, you couldn’t help yourself. The process was nice and slow, where you took extra care into washing the vegetables and bringing the broth to a gentle boil before dropping everything in. You could imagine the look on his face if he smelled what you made with your own hands.

Cooking for Felix was a very rare occasion because you were still self conscious about your abilities, especially as someone who was going to work for the country’s largest restaurant franchise. But the times he’s tasted your creations, his reaction was nothing but sincere bliss, cleaning his plate or bowl or several every time. He was the only one who truly believed in your talents and far-off dream when your parents wanted you to follow your Dad’s footsteps. You always cared about what Felix thought about you and your actions and nearly everything, but what he thought about your cooking was one of the most important things and his constant support for your craft was what made you fall for him so much harder than you already did.

The aromas of the soup made you miss him even more. If you didn’t hear back from him today, you were going to take drastic measures and find him yourself.

A quiet, eerie knock came at your door. You hesitated, wondering if you should just pretend you weren’t home, but then a voice spoke up.

“I know you’re home,” Felix said. “I can smell you cooking my favorite soup.”

You dropped your wooden spoon and hurried to open the front door. Behind the door revealed a tired Felix with one bruised up eye and cut up lip. Though the tears quickly fell from your eyes and you covered your gaping mouth, he still gave you a weak smile in hopes of easing any worry you now had.

“I kind of need you,” he admitted softly. “I really need you.”

Speechless, you took Felix by the hand and sat him on your couch before grabbing your massive first aid kit. He’s not surprised that you took him in with open arms without any hesitation because that was the kind of person you were. He loved that about you, but there’s guilt in his heart because he’s the last person who deserves this treatment. He knew you didn’t exactly forgive him yet because you still haven’t said a word, even as you were wetting a cotton swab with isopropyl alcohol.

“Is it going to sting?” he asked. You didn’t bother answering and let him feel the pain for himself. “Motherfucker!”

Through all the cleaning and wincing, though your facial expression didn’t move much, a waterfall of tears fell from your eyes at a constant speed. Since you were kids, Felix’s Dad was big on spanking and physical discipline, but this was a whole different level than you’ve ever seen before - this wasn’t discipline, this was intentional. Even so, Felix still smiled, even through all the stinging.

“Stay still,” you whispered, voice shaking. Your free hand held his face in place by pressing your palm into his nonbruised cheek. The wound still stung, but the wincing at least lessened. When the cotton swab dried up and you weren’t sure what to do, Felix calmed your racing thoughts by placing a hand on top of the one you had on your cheek.

He liked the way your thumb gently brushed across his cheek. Your touch always left tingles in its absence.

“What happened?” you finally asked.

“Dad found out about the racing because it was in the tabloids as ‘Future YONBOK CEO Caught Racing Under the Influence. Is the Future of YONGBOK in Good Hands?’ and, well, you know how that turned out.”

You said nothing while shaking your head. You took your hand back and stood up to get something and the fear of you leaving him again left Felix sweating and tears of his own pooling in his eyes. But you came back with a bag of frozen peas to press against his bruises and swollen lip.

“Are you hungry?” Felix nodded silently. “I made your favorite soup.”

“I know. Did you know that I was coming?”

“No. I guess I’m lucky.”

One of his hands is on top of yours holding the frozen peas and the other grabs hold of your other free hand. Felix wanted to hold you in every way possible, but for now this would have to do until you accepted him.

“You know I love you,” he told you. “And you know I will always need you. I’m sorry I pretended to forget about telling you last year and I’m sorry if that made you think I was insincere the second time. But now you know for sure that I love you. Was I really that wrong to think you felt the same?”

“It seems like you already know my answer.”

“I need to hear you say it.”

You sighed heavily. By now the tears had stopped, but you wouldn’t be surprised if they started up again. This was the first time you would admit aloud that you loved the stupid boy who tried to hide his smile sitting in front of you.

“I love you, Lee Felix. I always have.”

“Knew it ~” he sang. “Tell me when you fell for my handsome looks.”

“Remember Prom night?”

“Prom night!? Seriously?”

“My date standing me up and you offering to dance with me the whole night sounds like the perfect formula to fall in love with you, does it not?”

“I guess! I just thought it’d be longer than that!”

“I’m sure it has been longer than that.”

“Really?”

“Prom night was just the point of no return - that no matter what I did, my feelings were absolute and I couldn’t be in denial anymore. But I didn’t feel any different… And that’s when I assumed I just always loved you.”

“Even when I do stupid shit like this, you still loved me that much, huh?”

“Even with a busted lip, I still think you’re the most handsome.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” he chuckled. “Do you know when I knew?”

“Uh, last year?”

“Nope. On your tenth birthday.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not. When you shared your birthday cake and gave me the corner slice with the most icing flowers on it, I knew you were the one for me.”

“Can you be serious for once!?”

“Baby, I am dead serious! Look me in the eyes - well, my good eye.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.” Felix pressed a long kiss to your forehead and then rested his own up against it. “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“And being an ass.”

“Yes, and being the biggest ass.”

You dared to kiss his lips, but just enough for them to touch, too worried about hurting his bruise. Felix didn’t care - this was the only time you’d have your first kiss and he wanted it to be long and slow, putting his all into your very first kiss even if it hurt a little. His lips were hungry for yours and so were his hands, making you drop the frozen peas on the floor so he could pull you into his lap to deepen the kiss. Wandering hands traveled your waist and your own in his hair and all your worries about wondering if love was truly real melted away with every second. Even when you broke free to come up for air, Felix refused to loosen his grip on your waist, holding you so close that he buried his face in the nape of your neck. He short breaths tickled your skin and when you giggled, he peppered kisses all over. Your laugh was music to his ears.

“Do you forgive me?” he said in between kisses.

“Mm,” you hummed. “Just don’t leave my side again.”

“Never again. I promise you.”

“Well… Where do we go from here?”

“Hm… I get to eat my favorite soup with the love of my life?”

“I like the sound of that.”

“And then straight to bed.”

“But it’s only 9:00 pm?” A playful, naughty smirk spread across Felix’s lips. “Lee Felix!”

“What!? I won the race, can’t I get a prize!?”

“Stop.”

Soup was always better with your love and a cup of frozen peas.

#lee felix #felix lee #skz #stray kids #skz felix #stray kids felix #felix scenarios #stray kids scenarios #skz scenarios #i wrote this in less than a week so if it sucks that's why #bleh finally a felix fic......................... it's been like a year LOL #ok lemme know how u like it mwah

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

The funniest thing is JIANG CHENG HAD MULTIPLE CHANCES TO DO THE RIGHT THING but every time his jealousy and resentment towards wwx won. Are we gonna forget that his jealousy for wwx is the main thing that jin sect used to separate wwx from a little "support" he had left

Whuuuut? But he tried so hard during the biggest turning point! 🥺

Jiang Cheng’s brows were knitted. He rubbed the vein that throbbed at his temple and soundlessly took in a deep breath, “… I apologize to all of the Sect Leaders. Everyone, I’m afraid you don’t know that the Wen cultivator whom Wei WuXian wanted to save was called Wen Ning. We owe him and his sister Wen Qing gratitude for what happened during the Sunshot Campaign.”

Nie MingJue, “You owe them gratitude? Isn’t the QishanWen Sect the ones who caused the YunmengJiang Sect’s annihilation?”

Within the last few years, Jiang Cheng insisted on working late into the night every day. That day, just as he decided to rest early, he had to rush to Koi Tower overnight because of the thundering news. He’d been suppressing some anger under his fatigue since the beginning. With his natural competitiveness, he was already quite agitated since he had to apologize to other people. When he heard Nie MingJue mention the incident of his sect again, hatred sprouted within him.

The hatred was directed at not only everyone who was seated in this room, but also Wei WuXian.

Lan XiChen responded a moment later, “I have heard of Wen Qing’s name a few of times. I do not remember her having participated in any of the Sunshot Campaign’s crimes.”

Nie MingJue, “But she’s never stopped them either.”

Lan XiChen, “Wen Qing was one of Wen RuoHan’s most trusted people. How could she have stopped them?”

Nie MingJue spoke coldly, “If she responded with only silence and not opposition when the Wen Sect was causing mayhem, it’s the same as indifference. She shouldn’t have been so disillusioned as to hope that she could be treated with respect when the Wen Sect was doing evil and be unwilling to suffer the consequences and pay the price when the Wen Sect was wiped out.”

Lan XiChen knew that because of what happened to his father, Nie MingJue abhorred Wen-dogs more than anything, especially with how intolerable he was toward evil. Lan XiChen didn’t say anything else.

But he's such a wonderful diplomat, who had no way of protecting his brother. Curious how he doesn't expand on what he means by that debt and just lets the hate about the Wens take over even though Lan Xichen tried to get more information even though it would have helped to show Wei Wuxian was not power hungry.

Taking this opportunity, Jin GuangShan spoke, “Sect Leader Jiang, this was supposed to be a matter of your sect. It wouldn’t have been appropriate for me to barge in. But now that things are like this, I’ll have to caution you on the topic of Wei Ying.”

Jiang Cheng, “Sect Leader Jin, go ahead.”

Jin GuangShan, “Sect Leader Jiang, Wei Ying is your right-hand man. You value him a lot. All of us know this. However, on the other hand, it’s hard to tell whether or not he actually respects you. In any case, I’ve been a sect leader for so many years and I’ve never seen the servant of any sect dare be so arrogant, so proud. Have you heard what they say outside? Things like how during the Sunshot Campaign the victories of the YunmengJiang Sect were all because of Wei WuXian alone—what nonsense!”

Hearing this, Jiang Cheng’s face was already quite dark. Jin GuangShan shook his head, “In an event as important as the Flower Banquet, he dared throw a fit right in front of you, leaving however he pleased. He even dared say something like ‘I don’t care about the sect leader Jiang WanYin at all!’ Everyone who was there heard it with their own ears…”

Suddenly, an indifferent voice spoke up, “No.”

Jin GuangShan was in the middle of his fabrication. Hearing this, he paused in surprise, turning along with the crowd to see who it was.

Lan WangJi sat with his back straight, speaking in a tone of absolute tranquility, “I did not hear Wei Ying say this. I did not hear him express the slightest disrespect towards Sect Leader Jiang either.”

Lan WangJi rarely spoke when he was outside. Even when they debated cultivation techniques during Discussion Conferences, he only answered when others questioned or challenged him. With utmost concision, he overcame, without fault, the lengthy arguments of others. Apart from this, he almost never spoke up. And thus, when Jin GuangShan was interrupted by him, he experienced a far greater shock than annoyance. But after all, his fabrication was exposed right in front of so many. He felt a bit awkward.

The good thing was that, not long after he felt awkward, Jin GuangYao came to save the day, exclaiming, “Really? That day, Young Master Wei busted into Koi Tower with such force. He said too many things, one more shocking than the next. Perhaps he said a few things that were along those lines. I can’t remember them either.”

His memory could only be equal to Lan WangJi’s, if not better. As soon as he heard it, Nie MingJue knew that he was fibbing on purpose, frowning slightly.

Jin GuangShan followed the transition, “That’s right. Anyhow, his attitude has always been arrogant.”

One of the sect leaders added, “To be honest, I’ve wanted to say this since a long time ago. Although Wei WuXian did a few things during the Sunshot Campaign, there are many guest cultivators who did more than him. I’ve never seen anyone as full of themselves as him. Excuse my bluntness, but he’s the son of a servant. How could the son of a servant be so arrogant?”

He never believed at all what Jin Guangshan was saying, and he was only jealous because Wei Wuxian always overshadowed him and shouldn't have. Wei Wuxian only ever cared about showing off like he said and never took Jiang Cheng's feelings into account and cruelly ignored him for everyone else. Obviously Jiang Cheng wanted to stand up for Wei Wuxian like Mianmian and Lan Wangji, but he had no power (never mind that Lan Wangji and Mianmian had a lesser position in all of this and despite being mocked tried to be heard and keep Wei Wuxian from being blackened). What? Noooo, he's not at all buying into what Jin Guangshan is saying about his own first disciple he's always expressed faith in Wei Wuxian.

With him having brought up the ‘son of a servant’, naturally there’d be some who connected it to the ‘son of a prostitute’ standing in the hall. Jin GuangYao clearly noticed the unkind stares. Yet, his smile remained perfect, not at all faltering. The crowd went with the flow and voiced their complaints.

“In the beginning, Sect Leader Jin asked Wei Ying for the Tiger Seal with nothing but good intentions, worried that he wouldn’t be able to control it and lead to a disaster. He, however, used his own yardstick to measure another’s intents. Did he think that everyone is after his treasure? What a joke. In terms of treasures, is there any sect that doesn’t hold a few treasures?”

Ignoring the rioting voices behind him, Lan WangJi stood up as well and exited. After Lan XiChen understood what happened a few moments ago, hearing how the direction of their discussion worsened, he spoke up, “Everyone, she is gone already. Let us settle down.”

Now that ZeWu-Jun had spoken, of course the people had to give him some face. In Golden Pavilion, one after another, they began to denounce Wei WuXian and the Wen-dogs again. They all spoke with passionate hatred, letting their indiscriminate, irrefutable loathing dance in the air. Using the atmosphere, Jin GuangShan turned to Jiang Cheng, “He’s been plotting for a while to go to Burial Mound, hasn’t he? After all, with his skills, it wouldn’t be too hard to set up a sect of his own. And so, he used this as a chance to leave the Jiang Sect, intending to do whatever he pleases in the bright skies outside. You rebuilt the YunmengJiang Sect with so much work. He’s got a few controversial traits in him to begin with, and still he doesn’t restrain himself, stirring up so much trouble for you. He doesn’t care about you at all.”

Jiang Cheng pretended to stand his ground, “That probably isn’t that case. Wei WuXian has been like this ever since he was young. Even my father couldn’t do anything about him.”

Jin GuangShan, “Even FengMian-xiong couldn’t do anything about him, huh?” He chuckled a few times, “FengMian-xiong just favored him.”

Hearing the words ‘favored him’, the muscles beside the corners of Jiang Cheng’s mouth twitched.

Jin GuangShan continued, “Sect Leader Jiang, you’re not like your father. It’s just been a couple of years since the reestablishment of the YunmengJiang Sect, precisely when you should be displaying your power. And he doesn’t even know to avoid suspicions. What would the Jiang Sect’s new disciples think if they saw him? Don’t tell me you’d let them see him as their role model and look down on you?”

He spoke one sentence after another, striking the iron while it was still hot. Jiang Cheng spoke slowly, “Sect Leader Jin, that’s enough. I’ll go to Burial Mound and deal with this.”

Jin GuangShan felt satisfied, speaking in a sincere tone, “That’s the spirit. Sect Leader Jiang, there are some things, some people that you shouldn’t put up with.”

After the gathering ended, all of the sect leaders felt that they received a terrific topic for conversation. They walked quickly as they discussed with all their might, their passionate hatred still burning strong.

No this is not Jin Guangshan taking advantage of Jiang Cheng's well known complexes over his dad and Wei Wuxian. He is not using the fact at all that Jiang Cheng hates that people flock to Wei Wuxian naturally to set off Jiang Cheng's complex about being seen as lesser than Wei Wuxian in anyway. Jiang Cheng was powerless after all to stand up for Wei Wuxian's reputation and help.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #lol two prides #at this point Jiang Cheng made it clear his sect leader reputation was what he cared about

[jerseydeanne]

When I last sat down with Prince Harry for an honest, candid, funny and frank interview, he told me he would use his “privileged position” for “good stuff” for “as long as I can, or until I become boring, or until [Prince] George ends up becoming more interesting.”

Harry, then 31 and one of the most popular royals, seemed aware of his sell-by date. “There’s nothing worse than going through a period in your life where you’re making a massive difference and then suddenly ... you drop off. You want to make a difference but no one’s listening to you.”

Recently it has been almost impossible not to hear Harry, although the jury is out on how much people are still listening. So when he announced last week that at the age of 36 he is writing his “intimate and heartfelt” memoirs, “not as the prince I was born but as the man I have become”, it felt as if Harry thinks his greatest hits are already behind him. After settling in America, why the rush so soon after the soul-baring interview with Oprah Winfrey and a glut of other interventions?

A friend of Harry’s says that while he was still a working royal, he harboured a Prince Andrew complex of slipping down the pecking order and becoming irrelevant: “Harry has always been in such a rush to make an ‘impact’, because he thinks he has a limited shelf-life before the public want to hear more from George and his siblings and he worries that after that, he’ll turn into his uncle.”

Harry now wants to tell us about his “dedication to service” and how he’s “worn many hats over the years”, because “my hope is that in telling my story — the highs and lows, the mistakes, the lessons learnt — I can help show that no matter where we come from, we have more in common than we think.”

The privacy-obsessed prince will let us into his head for a rumoured multimillion-pound advance, with “proceeds” from sales of the book published by Penguin Random House in late 2022, the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee year, going to charity. Harry is said to have been working on a manuscript for more than a year with the American ghostwriter JR Moehringer, who worked on Andre Agassi’s memoir. Whatever is — or isn’t — in the book it is certain to outsell Meghan’s The Bench, which has shifted 6,195 copies here. Yesterday, a spokeswoman for Harry denied reports of a four-book deal, with a second book after the Queen’s death, as “factually inaccurate”, confirming “there is only one memoir planned” and “no project co-ordinated around” the monarch’s demise.

We are likely to hear Harry’s take on the very public breakdown of his parents’ marriage, the impact on his childhood and more on the devastating effects of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, when he was 12. He has said he failed to deal with it for years, leading to a period of “total chaos” and a near “total breakdown” in his twenties. Of walking behind his mother’s coffin, Harry has said: “I don’t think any child should be asked to do that, under any circumstances.” Will the book reveal who asked him and what choice, if any, he was given?

How Harry chooses to relay the “party prince” years, when he was living it up in London nightclubs and smoking cannabis at his father’s Highgrove home, leading Charles to arrange a visit to a rehab centre, will be fascinating. Will the period be analysed retrospectively as the reeling aftermath of his mother’s tragic death? Or will there be candour about a young, privileged prince having a blast and doing what many young men in his position would have done?

“I never thought he was out of control then,” says a source who knows Harry well. “In his new Californian guise, I think he’ll tell it honestly, framed in the context of his ‘journey’ towards ‘healing’. I think there will be a lot of the old broken me versus the new fixed me who dealt with the pain, and a lot about Meghan as the woman who liberated me to deal with it all.”

A seasoned royal watcher says they are “looking forward to the Vegas chapter”, one of Harry’s most notorious escapades when he was photographed naked playing strip billiards in a Las Vegas hotel suite in 2012 shortly before being deployed to Afghanistan. “Too much army, not enough prince,” Harry later said, admitting: “I let my family down.”

Having become so outspoken on race and “unconscious bias” after meeting Meghan, the first mixed-race woman to marry into the modern royal family, what will Harry tell us he learnt after calling an Asian army colleague “our little P*** friend” while at Sandhurst military academy in 2006? The incident was widely condemned, a year after he was forced to apologise for wearing a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party. “He’ll be smart enough to know that to gloss over those incidents would undermine the book,” says a royal source who knows him.

Harry’s account of family life will be intriguing — how the triumphant trio of William, Kate and Harry briefly became the “Fab Four” with Meghan, their fairytale wedding with the no-show by Thomas Markle, the father-in-law he has never met, William and Harry’s rift, the painful split from the royal family and their new life in America, right up to the controversy last month surrounding the naming of their new daughter, Lilibet. The Sussexes called in lawyers to dispute a BBC report that the Queen was “not asked” about the intimate nickname. “False and defamatory” said team Sussex. The BBC stood by the story. Buckingham Palace did not dispute it.

What will Harry’s version of life inside and outside the royal goldfish bowl look like? He has pledged total honesty, and is “excited for people to read a first-hand account of my life that’s accurate and wholly truthful”. But as the Queen’s statement following the bombshell Oprah interview in March pointed out, “some recollections may vary”.

In that interview, and in the mental health documentary series Harry made with Winfrey, he claimed talking about mental health with his family was off-limits. Royal life “wasn’t an environment where I was encouraged to talk about it”. His comments left some scratching their heads. After all, Harry, William and Kate championed ending the stigma around mental health for years in their hugely successful Heads Together campaign.

On the Armchair Expert podcast in May, Harry also credited “a conversation I had with my now-wife” for his decision to have therapy. Yet in another podcast in 2017, Harry said he sought professional help “three years ago” encouraged by William, who told him: “You really need to deal with this.” The inconsistencies in some of Harry’s recent recollections have been well documented, leading some to describe him as a “revisionist historian”. Harry’s rumoured ghostwriter has spoken about the importance of honesty.

There is little hope in royal circles that will happen. The Sussexes’ recent outbursts have driven once-loyal aides to despair. “I fear they may sail into the sunset now, convinced they did the right thing by speaking ‘their truth’,” says one. “Now I hope everyone shuts the f*** up.”

Charles has been portrayed as an emotionally and financially stingy parent. A source close to him says: “He has genuinely been so upset by it all. He just doesn’t recognise any of the examples or narrative.” Friends of William and Harry say William, who was forced to publicly defend his family against accusations of racism after the interview with Winfrey, “despairs” of his brother but the shock factor is wearing off.

Harry has done brilliant things in his time. Moving the dial on mental health, serving his country at war and launching the Invictus Games are just a few of his achievements. Nobody should begrudge him wanting to bang the drum there, and if he wants to bare his soul on how he has coped with undeniable adversity and tragedy in his life, fair enough. But if his book becomes the main course of a score-settling feast then he will lose many more hearts and his greatest fear will be realised — “no one is listening”.

#prince harry #prince andrew #memoir #british royal family #meghan markle