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amyintherapy · 3 months

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Darkness, Neglect, Shame, Dissociation

I've been struggling emotionally. The nice thing is that I'm far enough along in therapy that I know it's just part of the cycle that comes with facing trauma in therapy. Sometimes I get far enough with discussing trauma that it just puts me into this dark headspace. I had clinical depression as a teenager, and it's not as bad as that, so I hesitate to call it depression - but it's somewhat along those lines.

I want to sleep way too much, and when I sleep I tend to have a lot of nightmares. Or sometimes I just wake up sad and/or anxious without remembering anything I've dreamed about. Everyday tasks require way more effort than they usually do. Like bricks are tied to my feet and arms. It takes a lot of effort to make myself cook even the simplest of meals, to shower, or to play with the cat even when she brings me the toy she loves to play fetch with. She's so cute it hurts, but it still takes effort to play with her when I'm in a dark phase like this.

My mind tosses around childhood memories/trauma on repeat, but it's hard to really put into words. I have to really push myself to open up to my partner about my thoughts and feelings, I usually share with him pretty effortlessly. It's not that I'm trying to block people out, it's just that converting my thoughts and feelings into words others can understand feels extra challenging. Like...I'm not resistant to sharing with him or with a couple of close friends...but I just don't know how. Yet when I have taken the time to figure out how to turn some of those thoughts and feelings into words for him, I feel better. So I've been trying to keep reaching for that. I believe a lot of what I'm experiencing is uncovered shame. I had seen some therapists talk about how trauma is always closely linked with shame, but that we often don't notice it.

I had the realization a couple of weeks back that a lot of my anxiety is rooted in shame. I've also come across content that has talked about having an insecure attachment (aka attachment trauma) is something that tends to leave people with chronic shame because when we failed to develop a secure attachment with our caregivers as infantats, we have to adapt ourselves to try to earn connection. But that means we betray our authentic selves in some way, we put on an act to be what we think we need to be for our caregivers. And that sends us the message that our authentic self is somehow unworthy or not good enough of being connected with, accepted, deeply loved, as-is - which makes us ashamed of who we are. One of the biggest things I'm wrestling with related to my childhood emotional neglect and shame is whether I can trust my own perspective on my childhood. My more logical brain believes that childhood emotional neglect is extremely common. Roughly half of all people have an insecure attachment, and that stems from lacking emotional attunement, which I Think can be considered emotional neglect. But also, common parenting practices completely normalize emotional neglect. Most of the authoritarian parents I know outright expect their children to deny their own beliefs and feelings in favor of obeying the parents' directions or commands. Even among people who I think of as trying to step away from things like demanding obedience and using corporal punishment...many parents still routinely deny their children's feelings and beliefs for the sake of trying to maintain authority. For example, their toddler son snatches a toy from the 5 year old daughter, and the daughter hits her brother in return. The parent yells at the daughter for hitting her brother and she says 'I was so mad he took my toy!' and the parents refuse to validate her anger because they are focused on how her behavior was unacceptable. Which...yes, it's wrong to hit. But you can validate the feeling without validating the behavior, and a lot of even 'gentler' parents don't recognize this, so they routinely invalidate their children - and that's emotional neglect. Extremely normalized, and usually well-intentioned...but emotional neglect when that happens to a child routinely throughout their childhood.

And it makes so much sense when I remember that for young children, their parents are their #1 support person. The way that for most adults, their spouse is. Imagine if the majority of the time that you had big feelings and shared them with your spouse, or your spouse even just witnessed you having big feelings, they disagreed with you about your feelings. Wouldn't you feel so alone and unsupported? Plus you have to factor in that for children, they are born wired to do anything possible to maintain connection with their parents as their little bodies know that they are dependent on their parents for survival. So when they are routinely dismissed and invalidated, they don't think "man, this person is so uncaring! I don't deserve to be dismissed all the time! What a jerk!" they instead think "Man, I am always wrong, I am broken, I can't do anything right." When I think about an example like that in the context of anyone else, it makes sense to me to call that emotional neglect. I know a lot of children who pretty clearly are lacking a sense of safety and closeness with their parents, as they don't go to them when they really need support. For example, they get bullied at school but never tell their parents as they just assume the support won't be there. So many kids feel so alone, and it's due to their needs being neglected so regularly that they don't attempt to keep connections with their parents. Or in worse cases, it's not just that they are lacking support, but that their parents are the source of suffering, so there is no reason to think they could get support if just avoiding being harmed by their parents is the goal. I don't mean to compare or measure traumas, but I don't know how to make the point I need to make without doing so. So please know that I am not at all trying to diminish other people's neglect experiences.

But I think it makes sense to say that a child who regularly had their big feelings invalidated or dismissed was emotionally neglected. Even if they also were given support in some other ways. And my situation goes a lot deeper than that, and yet it's hard for the more emotional side of my brain to accept that it's reasonable to say I was emotionally neglected. For example, even when my mom learned that I was cutting myself, she never asked me what was going on or tried to offer me support. Instead, I was yelled at - and then we pretended nothing was happening for several months. Once a teacher caught on and sent me to the school counselor, they told my mom I needed to see a therapist, and so she set me up with one. But she still never talked to me about my mental health, why I was cutting myself, etc. Even after my therapist pushed me to get on meds for depression, she never paid any attention to whether or not I was taking my meds. She never met with my therapist to find out how I was doing, although she had that right as I was only 14. When she found out about my sexual abuse, she never asked me about it, never offered me any support. To this day I've never discussed it with her. How do you find out that your child was sexually abused and not even talk to them about it? The only time I can recall ever attempting to go to my mom for emotional support or help was when my stepfather was repeatedly making creepy comments about my body. I was 9 and starting to experience very early puberty. I was desperate for him to stop. She had been around when things were said, but had never reacted. I stupidly assumed she must not understand just how upsetting this was for me. And I desperately needed it to stop. So one day while in the car alone with her I worked up the courage to say I was really upset by him always talking about my body. I had a hard time even speaking this to her as I was crying so hard. Her response was that he was "just noticing that I was growing up". He continued to be a creep, she never said anything. I wasn't stupid enough to try to get emotional support from her ever again. The logical side of my brain says that it is beyond reasonable to call my experiences emotional neglect. In one therapy appointment, I mentioned to my therapist that I had realized that I Didn't have a working definition for what emotional neglect meant. Several years back, it had occurred to me that I had working definitions for physical child abuse and emotional child abuse that were very much based on my own experiences. I basically was defining physical abuse in a way that would leave loopholes for my experiences so that I didn't 'qualify' as physically abused. And same for emotional abuse. But I don't even have a definition of emotional neglect, and I think that is because there is no way I could define emotional neglect that wouldn't include me. And yet...the emotional side of my brain is so strong and loud that it somehow feels incorrect to say that. A large, emotional part of me feels like my childhood was quite normal. And I know that 'normal' mostly just means 'common' and that how common something is, has no difference in how traumatic (or not) it was. Logically I know my brain is just grasping at straws, trying to avoid seeing the truth in full detail. Trying to protect me from that pain of accepting the truth. But it's weird because the logical side of me knows already. I don't feel like I am effectively protected from the truth. I just also can't fully accept it, or feel it as true with my whole brain. When I Talk about the neglect, I automatically dissociate and that makes it pretty impossible to FEEL like what I'm thinking is true, as my brain and my body become disconnected. My mind knows the truth, but I don't really FEEL it as true. It still feels false somehow.

In the past, when I've had these days/weeks of feeling 'stuck' in a dark headspace following trauma therapy, it's followed with periods of significant growth and improvement. So, that's my silver lining - that I'm probably in a big phase of growth right now. The whole 'its always darkest before the dawn' concept. But, I am tired of feeling 'dark', and of having so many nightmares. I can tell my partner is missing the regular me, although he's extremely supportive of me and the work I'm doing. I miss the regular me too. And I miss having energy for more than just survival. I have two therapy appointments this week, maybe they'll help me find my way back to regular me.

#my posts #trauma #emotional neglect #attachment trauma #insecure attachment #ptsd #cptsd #childhood emotional neglect #shame

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wickedw3asleys · 3 years

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MINEFIELDS - Pt. 3

George x reader

-> Part 1 , Part 2...

WARNINGS: emotional scenes, mentions of depresion, ptsd... george and y/n had had a hard time basically

AN: sorry for posting these so quickly, for once i had them written in advance and i want to post a part every day :) aLSO VERY SORRY ABOUT DEAN HE'S AN ANGEL AND I LOVE HIM I PROMISE TO DO HIM BETTER IN THE FUTURE :(

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You woke up too a silent house, the moonlight shyly entering your window and resting on your face. You were feeling a little better now, more rested and ready to enter your new journey at the Burrow.

You were feeling peaceful, feeling the sheets in between your fingers and listening to the old house creaking and breathing in the wind that was calmly brushing it's walls; but your peace was quickly interrupted by the thought of George. He had told you that he wanted to talk to you, and now seemed like the moment to do so.

Looking at the clock on the wall in front of you, you were afraid of the current time of night, but as a fortunate surprise, it was only 2 a.m., meaning that George would probably be still awake, or at least, not deeply sleeping.

You got up from the bed, instantly feeling the cold floor under your feet; put a sweater and made your way to the door.

No one was awake anymore, not one light was peeking from under the doors, not even from the living room, so you thought George would still be in his room.

You shyly knocked, not too hard, afraid of Angelina waking up fuming rage, but hoping it would still be loud enough for George to hear it. You waited outside his door for a while and you actually were actually ready to go back to your room and let him sleep when he quietly opened the door.

"Sshh...", he put his finger on his lips. You looked over his shoulder and saw Angelina's back on the bed.

"Okay...", you smiled.

George closed his door and smiled at you, "Let's go then..."

You followed him downstairs, where the fireplace automatically lit up the moment you stepped in the living room.

"This has always amazed me...", you chuckle.

George continued smiling; he warmly took your hand and you both sat on the couch.

For a while you kept looking at the fireplace, still feeling George's gaze on you.

"It's rude to stare...", you tell him without looking at him.

He softly chuckles, shaking his head, "Sorry... I'm still processing the fact that you're here"

"Me too, actually..."

You felt his body relax next to you, his back now on the back of the sofa.

"I don't really know how to start this conversation...", you admit, looking at him.

"Me neither... I want this to be calm and with no rush... Like we used to talk..."

"These were the best talks...", you smile at the thought.

"Okay, sorry for being so direct and shitting on the "no rush" part, but... why did you leave, Y/N?", he asks after a few seconds.

"Going right in, I see...", you chuckle, "After everything, I thought it would be better for me to disappear from everyone's life... I thought it would be better for your family, for me... And for you... I thought it would help us heal quicker..."

"No offense, but... That's bullshit...", George chuckles, making you laugh too.

"Fuck you! Everything I did was to protect and help you!", you pushed his arm.

"Ouch! No need to get aggressive on that one!", he laughs, "But really... Why did you leave?"

Your smile slowly faded away, not totally sure how to say it. "I wasn't sure if I would have been able to look at you ever again...", your voice breaks.

As sad and selfish it sounded, it was the truth. It is terrible and literally the worst thing someone could ever say but you couldn't lie to him, not anymore, not like that.

"I felt the same for so long...", George answers, "And because I know and understand that feeling, I can't be mad at you for that..."

"George..."

"It's true... I mean, it's normal... I don't have any bad feelings towards you for that... It's just-

"I don't know how to justify or explain myself... I truly don't, but I promise, George, that it is not like that anymore... I see you, my friend, my Georgie. I was just afraid... I don't know how to explain all of that...", you started to feel you throat getting sore and dry, not knowing how to continue, "I-I... I was afraid to see him in you, and not being able to see you anymore... Does that make sense...?"

"It does... I get it... Promise...", he warmly smiles, "I was feeling exactly like that at first... I was afraid to forget about me and only seeing... Fred... And the first time I looked through a mirror I... I couldn't do it...", George lowered his head.

"Y/N... You loved him, right?", he asks after a few seconds of silence.

You nodded as you felt your eyes fill with tears again, "I'm sorry, George... I should have told you..."

He gently took your hand in his, locking his eyes with yours again, "I knew... Don't worry about that...", he softly smiled, "I've always thought you two would have ended up together, y'know?"

You let out a shaky breath you didn't know you were holding. For all these years spent with the twins, you have found yourself wondering the same thing too, and hoping for it to be true. You truly loved Fred. More than a friend. Always.

"But it's okay now...", you smile between tears, "He was still my best friend after all, just like you... I forgot about these feelings... I just miss him as him, as my best friend..."

George sighed, but never let your hand go, "Me too..."

"I didn't want to leave you, George... I want you to know that... What I did was stupid and impulsive... But I never wanted to do it..."

"I know, darling... I know...", he smiled at you, "But I needed you..."

"I know, I'm sorry...", you felt your eyes burn with tears, "I swear leaving was the biggest mistake in my life..."

"Like I said, you're here now... That's all that matters...", he says, tightening his grip on your hand.

"And what about you? You and Angelina, huh?", you tried to calm the situation.

"Uhm... Yeah...", he smiled, "It's... a long story..."

"That's why we're here, right?"

He chuckled again, "Well... I've had a... pretty bad time after... Fred's death...", his voice broke, "And I needed someone to be there for me... And she was there... She was writing to me almost every day, asking about me and how I was holding on... And when I told her that every day got worse and worse, that I wasn't even able to look at myself in the mirror... She came here... And she never left..."

"She helped you get better...", you say, faking a smile.

"Sort of... And one thing led to another and well... We've been dating for 3 years now..."

"I'm happy for you"

"No, you're not...", George laughs, making your

mouth open in fake annoyance.

"W-what do you mean? Of course I am! You're my best friend! I'm happy you had someone like her during these difficult times..."

"You're happy I wasn't alone... You're not happy for that person to he her...", he winked at you. He definitely knew you too well. It was true, you would have hoped George to have anybody else by his side but her.

"She wasn't very nice to me in school... I've always thought she hates me or something...", you awkwardly rubbed your forehead.

"Oh she does, she definitely does..."

"George!", you laugh loudly.

"What? You stole us from her since day one!", he laughed with you, "First Fred, then me... You were always first..."

"It's that true...?", you ask, looking at him in the eyes.

"Of course...", you could see him gain nervousness as he started looking at the fireplace, "It was always you... For everything... For Fred and for me..."

"W-what do you-

"Don't ask, you know what it means...", he looked down, as if he was ashamed of his answer.

You were completely in shock by his confession, paralyzed; not knowing what do say or even how to form words.

"Come on... You're going to tell me that you didn't know?"

"I-I... No... I didn't know...", you put your hand on your mouth, not believing anything, "You mean... You and Fred?"

He didn't say anything, he just smiled and nodded.

"Oh..."

"Sorry, Y/N..."

"It's o-okay... I just... I don't know...", you felt your heart beat quicker and quicker every second.

George chuckled and pulled you into a hug,

"Don't say anything, you don't have to if you don't want to... It's alright", he whispered to you.

It's not that you didn't want to say anything, you actually had a lot to say, but you didn't know how, and words refused to leave your mouth, fearing to say something bad when you didn't mean it. So you just stayed there, in his arms, breathing in his cologne and enjoying the warm feeling of his body against yours.

"And about you... How's it going with Dean?", he asks, breaking the silence.

"You know about Dean?", you were surprised by the question, you'd never thought he would know.

"Huh? How do you know I'm with him?"

"Hermione snitched last year...", he chuckles, "I'd never thought he was your type, though..."

"Come on, you just don't like him for breaking your sister's heart...", you smile.

"That's... not entirely false...", he says, making you laugh.

"I needed someone too... He was there when no one was..."

"Did he heal you?", George asks.

You take a moment to think about your answer. Has Dean really helped you? Did you heal thanks to him? You really appreciate him, and cherished every moment he stayed with you when you couldn't sleep or eat. He helped you ease your mind and find a little peace in your life. He was there when no one was.

He fed you, held your hair up when your stomach couldn't handle the food, when you woke up hysterically crying at 4 a.m., when you totally dissociated from reality...

"I would like to say yes, because he was there, always... At any time of the day and night... But I know he couldn't give me what I needed... And I know he tried his best, he has spent the last 4 years taking care of me, basically... Without asking anything in return...", you sigh, "But deep down I know he's not what I needed..."

"And what do you need?"

"I don't know yet..."

Once again, you let the silence install between you and George, not really knowing what to say, just thinking about everything.

But quickly, your thoughts got interrupted by the sound of the family clock hitting 4 a.m.

"We should go back to our rooms...", George says, helping you stand up with him.

"Yeah... I'm sorry for keeping you up, you have to sleep too"

"Don't worry, it was my idea after all...", he smiles.

You exchanged a quick smile and glance before going up the stairs together through the darkness of the house.

"Good night, Y/N..."

"Night, Georgie...", you took his arm and placed a soft kiss on his cheek, petting his hair on the way.

"Thank you for coming back, I truly mean it..."

"Thank you for not hating me...", you smile. And with that, George smiles and go back to his room, quietly closing the door behind him. You copied his actions and got back to yours, thinking about the conversation you had with George. You knew that lots of things were still needed to be said and talked about, but you didn't have the heart to ask more of it. You didn't want to rush things or pressure George to talk about the past or his feelings, so you thought it would be a good idea to go slowly but surely; letting George take his time and talk to you whenever he feels like it. After all, as selfish as it would sound, you were there mostly for him. You were happy to see the others, especially Molly; but you knew George was the most affected by everything, and you wanted to stay with him.

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tag-list:

@28cnn , @lindsaytriestowrite , @jenniweaslee , @amityyyjade , @dracossimp01 , @themoonwithprophets , @hufflepuffflowers , @georgeweasley19 , @mendesdelight

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katsuukiwii · 3 years

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Could I get a matchup for AOT, Black Butler and MHA, please? 😊

Personality: I push myself REALLY hard. I have a lot of willpower and am VERY stubborn. I try to be highly independent, usually to a fault. I don't like asking for help and it takes me a very long time to realize and admit I need it.

I'm distrusting and cynical and have been through a lot. I get stressed out really easy and am anxious and depressed. But my anxiety is usually hostile/aggressive. When I get anxious or stressed, I usually lash out or try to control things. When I'm depressed I usually shut down completely or dissociate really bad. (Wow this sounds so negative when I type this.)

This combination (being stubborn and refusing help, but also being very handicapped) is harmful to myself and I've begun to finally realize that. I've been gradually trying to accept help from others more and allow myself to not live up to unrealistic standards. I would need someone who is supportive of this and someone would help me stop pushing myself into oblivion.

On a more positive note, when I'm not stressed or being combative, I really love life and am one of those people that appreciates seemingly insignificant things that most people take for granted. I'm also very sensory oriented. Even something really small can greatly lift my mood, like a nice breeze or rain or a flower. I like being outside for a part of the day because of this.

I can be a little weird and don't really care too much tbh. I do weird or sometimes childish/childlike things like chase/stalk geese or immitate animal sounds. I can also be very mischievous if my mental health has been doing well for a long time and I am happy. I will pull pranks or be evasive when speaking or play (not malicious) mind games.

I also tend to love VERY deeply when I fall in love. I feel very strong emotion and affection towards that person, am fiercely loyal and am usually sacrificial to a fault for them (again, push myself too hard).

I'm easily crushed if that person I love abuses my love or neglects me.

(I also hate very intensely too and can be very petty, spiteful and vengeful. Just strong emotions, I guess.)

Sexually, I honestly can't see myself being dominant even if I tried. I probably would try, but would fall apart. I also have a very big masochistic streak. I like very intimate sex. Not necessarily soft, slow or gentle (but it could be these), just physically and emotionally intimate.

That's it cause I don't want to type too much and make this super long! Thank you very much, you are great! 😞 Matchups can be hard, I appreciate your effort!!

Matchups!

No, no, thank you for making this long! I got a lot of details from it! I appreciate the appreciation! It SOUNDS negative, but I know people PERSONALLY who have experienced similar things to you (from what I read) and have seen these sorts of things, so I hope I gave you good results! Im glad you were willing to be so open, even if it’s through anon, that stuff can be hard to talk about ^^

Attack On Titan:

I ship you with Reiner Braun!

He doesn’t know EXACTLY what you’re going through, but he does his hardest to try and understand so he can help you out. He’s dealt with some issues on his own, and knows that its no fun to experience it on your own!

Your can get aggressive, all good! Reiner knows you truly don’t mean any harm towards him, you just have a lot on your mind that you need to let out.

He wants you to come to him if anything is on your mind, good or bad! He wants you to know that he’s there for you, and that he loves you no matter what! He gets so happy when you say that you want to reach out to people, and get help

Now, onto happier things! He loves taking you on walks, especially if it’s raining! He likes to get outside too, so he doesn’t mind a bit!

He’s uh...not the smartest, so mind games can confuse him! He loves to pull pranks with you, usually on poor Connie, or Jean.

He understands that you like to be independent, but he also knows that nobody is capable of doing everything! He likes for you to admit if you need help with something, since it helps you learn, but if you refuse to he’ll just try and have you do something else while he helps. It doesn’t work often, but he still tries!

He doesn’t mind your weird side! He’ll watch you stalk geese, but won’t actually join you. It doesn’t make him ashamed, it’s just not his thing. As usual, if you REALLY want him to, he will.

BUT he does like to try and imitate animal sounds with you, he thinks if silly!

For sex, you’re submissive, all good! I picture him being more of a top anyway! So, you like something kind of rough, but intimate, and loving, and he’s totally cool with that as well! It fits him perfectly! Plus he’s a big guy, so sometimes he can unintentionally hurt you (not horribly), and he’ll apologize even if you liked it.

Aftercare g o d. Always makes sure you feel okay, and comfortable about what happened! He’ll make sure you’re nice and clean, and then give you some snuggles if you want!

Runner-Ups: Erwin Smith and Armin Arlert

My Hero Academia:

I ship you with Eijiro Kirishima!

It takes Kirishima a minute to get used to your hostility (only when you have those moments, ofc). He doesn’t really know what to do until one day, where he doesn’t force you to do anything. He speaks to you in a gentle voice,

“I’m not going to force you to do anything. But I would really appreciate it if you just....opened up to me. I’m not sure how to help you out, I need you to show me. So can we talk, please?”

You try to be more open after that, and in all honesty, it didn’t just help you, but it helped him. A LOT. He just wants to do his best for you!

Yes, maybe he has called people whiny before, but he still knows that emotions are very important. Everybody has to let them out every now and then!

He will NOT take your for granted. Not just because it’s “manly”, but because he cares so much about you, and he wants you to know that you aren’t alone!

Now, he, unlike Reiner will TOTALLY chase geese with you AND imitate animal sounds! He’s a child at heart as well. He’ll take a walk outside with you! He prefers to be inside, but he doesn’t hate it! Plus he loves to see how calm you are when letting the rain fall on our hand, on taking in the vibrant colors of a flower!

He’ll catch on to SOME of your mind games, but he can get stumped! You often pull pranks on him, and he still laughs about it and has fun! What a sweetheart!

During sex, he’s all good with being on top! He will be a bit reluctant to hurt you if you ask, but eventually you’ll make him comfortable enough to be a little rough, nothing to far though!

He IS a switch, but he’s absolutely fine with you wanting to be on bottom! The only thing is that he is very sensitive physically, so he can get vocal. SO even if he is on top, his face could be bright red with his eyes shut tight, it’s cute!

Runner-Ups: Hizashi Yamada and Shouta Aizawa

Black Butler:

I ship you with Sebastian Michaelis!

This man is probably one of the BEST options for you, honestly!

He knows just how to calm you down almost right off the bat! Of course, everybody requires a bit of adjustment, but for him it was a piece of cake!

Of course, he can get a bit annoyed if you get SUPER aggressive, but that doesn’t mean he hates you! He still cares about you so much, but it can be a lot, even for him.

He makes sure you get the help you need!

Let’s be honest, most of us know that scene with Beast. He CAN be manipulative, but he would N E V E R do it towards you. He’ll tell you and show you. So he will praise you in bed if you need it, or even if he feels like it.

You absolutely cannot play mind games with him. He’s too smart. If anything it’ll turn into him playing a (not malicious) mind game on you. He likes to tease you, but he makes sure not to take it too far!

Absolutely will not chase geese. It’s not for him. He will only do it if you wanted him to catch one. In that case, he could probably catch a few with his skills!

He doesn’t imitate animals sounds with you...in public, that is. In private, he likes to as well! He’s not quite sure why.

And now, for sex! We’ve seen the scene with the nun. This man goes HARD! Of course, he can be gentle, but it’s in his nature to be rougher than the average person. If you want him to be gentle, he will. BUT if you do want a little pain he is totally down. Definitely a sadist. He fine with you being on bottom!

Runner-Ups: Adrian Crevan and Claude Faustus

#matchups #aot matchup #mha matchup #black butler matchup #liv ships you with ___!

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