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undiscovered-horizon · 10 months

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Who am I to complain? - Nikolai Lantsov x Reader

[emotional and verbal abuse, unhealthy parent-child relationships]

SUMMARY: When your parents come to visit, Nikolai finally understands why you've never been keen to talk about them. Being the King and your husband, he isn't afraid to defy them.

WORDCOUNT: ~ 4.5k

>>Grishaverse-inspired playlist<<

"Have you listened to anything I've just said?"

Nikolai shakes you awake from being lost in thought. You look away from the insanely interesting skirting board you had been staring at for the past ten minutes. He’s watching you with raised eyebrows, awaiting an answer.

"I…” you hang your voice. At first, you wanted to just apologize and ask him to repeat himself but then a sense of dread sprouts in your abdomen - one you can’t quite put a finger on but it takes over your entire mind. “I'm sorry, Kolya. Please, don’t be mad at me, I’m sorry,” you plead, gradually speaking faster.

“I’m not angry,” he states firmly. “But I am growing concerned for you, love. What’s going on?”

“I just keep thinking about my parents' visit,” you confess while rubbing your forehead. “Ever since the letter arrived, I can hardly think about anything else."

"Yes, I've noticed you have been a bit absent for the past few days. I assumed you were going to talk to me when you're ready. Are you?"

"They're not bad people," you begin in a strange tone that makes Nikolai doubt your words right away, "and they've only done their best to give me a good life. Despite that, they have a tendency to bring out the parts of me I've grown to dislike."

“Isn’t that what every family does?” he jokes in hopes of easing your visible discomfort. But his good humour is gone the moment you look away with a sombre expression stuck to your features.

Nikolai always considered himself exceptional at self-control but something about your sadness makes him gradually abandon reason. As you forlornly stare into the darkness of your shared bedroom, he’s ready to stick feathers to his clothes and pretend to be a peacock just to make you laugh.

“Love,” he calls out softly. His hand rests between your shoulder blades. “You’re the queen. If you want, we can call their visit off right away.”

“That would be a little rude, no?” you ask in a meek voice.

“It’s a lot more crude to make you cry.”

“I will be alright, really,” you reassure him. That miserable look on your face is slowly creeping away. “It’s just three days. Maybe they’ve changed or they’re a lot better than I remember. I’ll be okay.”

Nikolai is unsure whether you’re trying to convince yourself or him but he doesn’t push. Despite not believing your clumsy words of reassurance, he trusts you - he’ll step in only when things really get out of hand.

Nervousness and excitement often feel the same and one might even fool themselves into believing that the mortifying tension in their muscles is actually an impatient thrill. Today, however, you don’t even try playing a little trick on yourself. The more you think about your feelings, the more you’re convinced that it’s not even nervousness but fear. Still, you don’t quite understand why exactly your parents’ visit elicits such awful emotions from you.

The door to the throne room opens and a man in a white and gold livery steps inside. He quickly walks halfway to the dais with the throne.

The servant bows as deep as he can and clears his throat before loudly announcing: “Presenting her most royal Highness’s, the Queen’s, mother and father.”

Only then do your parents emerge from the hall, walking hesitantly through the spacious throne room. Two guards are following them and your father spares them a confused glance every few steps. But the armed men only usher him to keep walking and not turn his back to the king until allowed to do so.

Feeling fear exploding in your chest, you grip Nikolai’s shoulder even tighter. Sitting on the throne, he has to look up to meet your eyes.

“Calm down, it’s going to be alright,” he says quietly. A reassuring smile curves his lips. “You said it yourself.”

As though he is a Heartrender himself, his words make you relax. You take a deep breath and let go of his shoulder. At that moment, Nikolai stands up to greet your parents as their son-in-law first and only then the king of Ravka.

Right then, your mother quickly runs up the few steps leading to the dais. Her face is red and a deep crease now separates her eyebrows.

“I have to wait to be announced to see my own daughter?” She’s barely containing her outrage. “Nonsense!”

“I’m royalty now, mother,” you explain calmly. Your voice almost doesn’t shake.

“And I’m still your mother, the one that gave birth to you. Do I not get any benefits from that?”

Maybe some people don’t actually change.

“I’m afraid you don’t.”

“Is this gold?!” your father exclaims in shock as his hand reaches for your heavy necklace. “So because of you most of Ravka is starving?”

Too occupied with the jewellery, your parents don’t notice the palace guards stepping forward to arrest them for such an accusation aimed at the queen. Nikolai spares them a meaningful look, waving them off. In his heart, he agrees with them.

“Actually, this is a gift from a businessman in Kerch,” you say quietly. Suddenly, you remember why you’ve never visited them since your wedding.

“Still, don’t you think this is a little distasteful?”

Your mother places her hand on your father’s shoulder. “She’s always been vain, darling,” she reminds him.

You’re not a queen anymore - at least you don’t feel like it. All of the gold, silk and jewels are gone and you’re back to being a scared, little girl with hay stuck in her hair. Tears sting your eyes.

Whatever you do is wrong. All of your efforts are underwhelming. Maybe they’d be happier if you weren’t there.

"You're crying?” your father asks with a hint of disgust in his voice. “Oh, don't be so sensitive, you know we’re only joking!” He’s still holding your necklace in his fingers, admiring the glistening crystals. Standing so close to you, he lowers his voice significantly to appear inconspicuous but Nikolai manages to pick up his calloused words. “Pull yourself together, this is embarrassing.”

As she usually does, your mother brings the attention back to herself. “She can be a bit much at times, so I hope you’re a patient one!”

The guards exchange questioning looks, silently asking one another if they should intervene this time. Most of the time they follow Tolya and Tamar’s steps but they’re left to their own devices on this day as Nikolai ordered the twins to take a day off. Perhaps it’s for the best - they’d surely escalate this already uncomfortable situation but it’s only because they care.

“I’d say it’s quite the opposite,” Nikolai answers, unaffected. Despite his speaking to your mother, he’s looking into your eyes. “I can never get enough of her.”

“For most of her life, I thought she’d never get married!” your mother continues. She’s gripping your arm with much more strength than her appearance suggests. “Men don’t like them independent, stubborn and opinionated.”

Nikolai’s polite smile doesn’t falter. “Three qualities of an excellent Queen.”

Your mother laughs obnoxiously. “Just wait a few years, dear.” She pats his shoulder. The guards look between themselves again. “You’ll be quick to send her off just like we were!”

Both of your parents laugh wholeheartedly while you and Nikolai exchange knowing looks. Now he understands why you have been so uneasy lately. This is going to be the longest three days of his life.

The perplexity continues as your mother suddenly places her hands around your waist, examining your torso in great detail. A sour expression forms on her face.

“Oh, honey, you’ve let yourself go,” she says in a worried tone. Her eyes trail the curve of your physique up until she looks at your face. With a serious glint in her eye, she advises you under her breath: “You can’t get fat and slobby if you want to keep the king.”

The man who announced your parents appears again but this time he walks all the way to the stairs leading up to the throne, although doesn’t dare climb them. His facial expression borders on emotionless and serious as though he’s more of a marble statue rather than a servant.

“Your most royal Highness.” The man bows deeply. “The room is prepared.”

“Excellent.” Nikolai uses the opportunity to cut the awkward conversation short in a diplomatic way. “Escort our guests to their chamber.”

“Right away, мой царь.”

When the butler disappears around the corner with your parents apprehensively following him, Nikolai looks at you with a grim expression.

“Are they usually like this?” he asks, disapproval hiding between his words.

“They’re worse at home,” you answer with a shrug. A lot of terrible feelings and thoughts you were convinced you had left behind are coming back and you’re unsure how to handle that.

“You’ve put up with this kind of disrespect for your whole life?”

“It’s not disrespect, just…” you hang your voice looking for the right expression, “tough love. They don’t mean any harm.”

“Don’t mean any harm?” he repeats in disbelief. “They’ve been here for fifteen minutes and they are yet to say something nice to you. Neither of them even asked whether you’re doing alright.”

A short, troubled sigh leaves your lips. Your fingers trail the golden embroidery decorating his kaftan. “I’m married to a dashing, handsome king and live in a palace. I think they know I’m doing well.”

His hand gently grabs yours, keeping it against his chest. “As much I like flattery, especially coming from you, you can’t pull wool over my eyes, love. It’s not a matter of knowing but principle. Remember our wedding? The guests kept asking how you’re doing so much, you kept saying you’re perfectly fine before they even got a chance to ask.”

The memory elicits a chuckle from you. Yes, everyone seemed to be preoccupied with making sure you were happy and satisfied. It came to such a point, you yelled at Nikolai’s cousin ‘Yes, I’m fine!’ before she gave you a weird look and asked if you wanted some vodka mixed with your champagne. Truly, the only royal thing about Marina is her ungodly fortune but maybe that’s why you’ve grown to like her a lot - she’s down to earth and easy-going.

Nikolai squeezes your hand in a gentle, reassuring manner. “Just say the word and I will personally throw them out.”

“Kolya!” You gasp at his offer but it quickly turns into laughter. “They’re my parents and your in-laws!”

“They also refuse to show care and respect towards my beloved Queen.”

That mellow, loving look in his eyes nullifies any annoyance you might feel at his stubbornness. You pull your hand out of his grasp and place it on the side of his face. Consciously or not, he slightly leans into your touch. “I appreciate your concern.” Not minding the guards in the room, you’ve grown used to their constant presence, you peck his lips shortly. “But they have just arrived. You’ll warm up to them.”

Nikolai doesn’t answer at first. He only reconnects your lips, kissing you deeper, more desperately. When you feel his hands coming up to your waist, you lean away from him. For a moment, you swear you can see a grimace of dissatisfaction on his face.

“Be decent,” you reprimand him but the wide smile you wear so well rids your words of all seriousness.

“You started this.”

“And I will finish if you play nice.”

Nikolai takes a rather long step back, away from you, just to make a point. He’s standing with his hands behind his back, an excited grin on his face. “You make an exquisite diplomat, you know that?”

“I learned from the best.”

The time for dinner came faster than you wanted it to. Anxiety bubbled inside your chest again. Still, you continued trying to soap up your eyes with thoughts that maybe when they sit across the table from a king, they’re going to withdraw their little jabs at you. As they say: Hope is the mother of all fools. And you’re about to learn that.

Nikolai raises his cup with wine. “A toast to our beloved Queen,” he announces in an official tone. Out of the corner of his eye, he spares you an adoring look. “Without her, I’d be a lonely, perplexed king. May we not know the world without her.”

To your horror, your father decides to join him. “May she get a grip and come to her senses.”

The dry wine tastes even more bitter as you take what’s supposed to be a celebratory sip. What if he’s right about you? It’s only the beginning of the evening and you already wish you can miraculously vanish or, worst case scenario, just run away.

You’re about to take a bite of the roasted pheasant on your plate when your mother looks at you with raised eyebrows. She points her fork between you and the plate. “Should you really be eating all of this?”

You don’t answer her. Whatever you say will only egg her on. Get a grip, you scold yourself and clench your fist to push fingernails into the sensitive skin of your palm. The pain is distracting, grounding.

"You know, sweetheart, you're not getting any younger,” your mother continues. She always does that - throwing poignancies one after another and seeing what sticks. Now, when she’s literally the mother of the queen, she’s even bolder than before.

“Mother-”

“Don’t interrupt me.” She points her knife at you. “All I’m saying is as a wife, especially the queen, you have only one duty and you shouldn’t wait with it. Things will only get more difficult as you age.”

Nikolai gives your mother a bright smile. “Have no worries,” he cuts in. “We’re not waiting.”

You almost drop your fork. Flustering people is definitely one of his strategies but must he really involve your sex life in his word games? Although mortified at his bluntness, you must admit it works - your mother’s face is about the same shade as the roasted tomatoes on her plate. She casts her eyes downwards, poking at the food in front of her.

The air is filled with awkward tension but Nikolai doesn’t seem to mind in. In fact, he looks quite proud of himself. You, on the other hand, aren’t as good at putting up a believable front.

“So,” you begin in hopes of easing the atmosphere”, how are things back in…” You hang your voice. You were about to say ‘home’, only to realize that it would be an honest lie. The little town where you grew up hasn’t been home in years. “...Tamboyevka?”

“Oh, you know,” your mother says as she makes a dismissive wave with her hand. “Same old, same old. Cattle and field, nothing interesting to someone of your sort, I presume! There’s never been much use of you anyway.”

Listening to your mother’s condescending words, you push your fingernails further into the skin of your hand to distract yourself from the feeling of shame that continues to grow inside your stomach and pull you down with it. Maybe the marble floor will swallow you whole in the next few minutes and all of this will be over.

Then you feel Nikolai’s warm hand sneak between your palms, breaking up your painful distraction. He leans towards you ever so slightly and whispers:

“I’d much rather you pinch and scratch my hand than hurt yourself.”

You look at his concerned face. Words of reassurance, ‘Don’t worry, I’m alright’, nearly push past your lips when your father chimes in, continuing the conversation.

“But your brother, he bought some land down south,” he announces with excitement.

“More land?” you ask. “Ha barely manages with what he already has.”

The memory of your brother’s tired, grey face flashes before your eyes. Every time you see him, he looks even sicker than before as though he never sleeps or eats, only works in the field. He even collapsed on one July day and your parents kept saying that this is a sign of an honest, hard-working man but you weren’t as quick to call a man throwing up everything he eats ‘healthy’.

“You know how he is, always helping others.” Your mother is beaming with pride as if she’s the one doing the farming. “His crops feed two villages and it’s not nearly enough for him! Said he wanted tomatoes and citruses.”

Then it hits you. It’s not a revelation in any way but rather something you don’t think about too often - most of Ravka doesn’t get fruits in winter, especially the ones growing in warmer climates near the Shu Han border. And you not only can easily get it even when snow covers the grassy fields but you’re essentially fed it. Like that one time, you shared a tangerine with Nikolai while sitting in front of a fire, talking about unimportant things.

Despite your mother sitting right in front of you, her voice echoed in your head as though she’s a phantom haunting your thoughts and not a real person: Selfish. Spoiled. Entitled. Ungrateful. People starve because of you.

You focus on Nikolai’s warm, rough hand that’s still holding your own. The pleasant sensation is gradually grounding you, pulling you out of your head and into the present moment.

“What for?” you ask as casually as you can, not giving in to the spiralling thoughts. It still feels like you’re underwater, desperately gasping for air as your lungs burn. Squeezing Nikolai’s hand, you break the surface of the vicious tides trying to drown you in panic and shame.

Your mother, on the other hand, appears completely oblivious to your plight. “Some child told him they’d like oranges and he couldn’t say no. He’s wonderful, truly. A living Saint! What a blessing to call him my son. You should take a serious cue from him, young lady.” She waves the tip of her knife in your direction again. “But enough about your brother. What do you do when you’re not wasting time? Lay around and smell nice?”

“Well,” you swallow nervously, already knowing that she won’t be satisfied with your answer, “I meet a lot of people, take correspondence, travel across the country or read if I find the time.”

Nikolai must notice the telling crease of disappointment between your mother’s eyebrows. He joins the conversation under a skilful facade of a proud, boasting husband. “Don’t sell yourself short, love. Our Queen,” he puts strange stress on the title, “has started a scholarship for disadvantaged children, takes the time to teach young girls sewing, foreign languages and arithmetic.”

“That’s quite useless, isn’t it?” your mother looks between you and your father, not acknowledging Nikolai’s presence. She keeps stabbing the roasted pheasant on her plate with a fork as though there’s still life inside the poor poultry. “Shouldn’t you try harder?” she hisses at you. “If you continue being this lazy, the whole kingdom will fall apart! What will our neighbours say then?”

Nikolai suddenly gets up. He’s still holding your hand but you can’t be sure whether he’s doing that on purpose or if it’s just an unconscious reflex. The candlelight from the crystal chandelier cascades off his face, pronouncing the clenched muscles of his jaw - he’s angry and barely holding it in.

“Our meeting at this table is adjourned,” he announces in a firm voice. “This is beyond unacceptable. I have overlooked your transgressions simply because of your affinity to my wife. Still, I am disheartened and disappointed with the way you address your queen in her own home. The guards will escort you back to your chambers.”

You hear your mother and father trying to argue and protest, saying something about you being ‘too proud’ and ‘forgetting your place’ but you’re so dumbfounded you can’t make out the details. The guards lead them out of the dining room through one of the tall pairs of doors. When they close behind them, everything goes silent - the brick walls muffle any turmoil your parents might be causing.

Suddenly, your throat constricts. It’s hard to take a breath. Has it always been so hot in here? The tips of your fingers tingle, blood never reaching them.

He threw them out and you didn’t say anything. If they didn’t hate you before, they surely do now. You’re a disappointment, not their child. They haven’t done anything wrong, after all. You’re no good, useless, ungrateful, dramatic.

Suffocating with panic, you run out of the room through a different pair of doors, across the dining hall from the ones behind which your parents had recently disappeared. You hear Nikolai’s footsteps behind you but they are muffled by the noise of bloodflow ringing in your ears.

“Hey, talk to me,” he calls out in a soft voice. You turn around to look at him. His hand is almost at the height of your shoulder but it momentarily drops as though he just backed out from touching you. “What’s going on?”

For a man as smart as him, that’s a really stupid question.

“Why did you do that, Nikolai?” you snap at him.

His eyebrows furrow slightly. A gasp of disbelief brushes past his lips - he clearly thought the two of you were on the same page. “They were insulting you over and over again. I couldn’t just sit and listen to that.”

Truly, you should have expected that. He’s been adamant about standing up to your parents from the very beginning. Still, you’re angry that he just had to be stubborn and do the one thing you explicitly asked him not to do.

“What happened to laugh at insults? Isn’t that your own advice?”

“It is.” Nikolai finally finds it in himself to place his hands on your shoulders. “But I found myself unable to remain collected when the bitter words were aimed at you.” His palms brush against your dress and the skin of your neck until they’re cradling your face.

“I can,” you state firmly. “You should have let me handle this, I’m used to this.”

You escape his loving grasp and he lets you. Walking forward away from him, you’re not quite sure where exactly you’re heading. ‘Away’ would be a lovely direction but quite impossible when you’re confined to those four walls of marble and gold.

“You shouldn’t be,” Nikolai calls out after you.

Suddenly, you halt. You look at him around your shoulder. “What?”

“You shouldn’t be used to being treated like this,” he says in a defeated tone while walking towards you again. “They just keep putting you down, humiliating you. You’re not even slightly upset about that?”

“Of course, I am but…” you hang your voice, finally questioning your own feelings towards your parents. “It’s unfair for me to be angry with them. Ungrateful. I never went hungry or cold. They gave me medication when I was sick and made sure I went to school. Every year they’d give me something for my birthday. Neither of them has ever raised their hand against me. They’ve done all they could to give me a good life. Who am I to complain?”

“You’re the Queen,” he drones the word. His hand holds the side of your face again, thumb lovingly brushing your cheek. “People say your name in the same breath as the names of all the Saints. When I don’t know what to do or what decision to make, I always ask myself what you would do. And I’ve never once regretted that. There are important people who have agreed to my invitation only after hearing that you’ll be there too. You change everything. So you get to be angry when someone refuses to see that. I know you can take a few mean words but I don’t want you to.”

For a moment, the two of you stand in comfortable, intimate silence. Your absent gaze is stuck to the floor as you’re pondering his words. Whenever you’re about to accept that maybe, just maybe, you’re doing something good and important, the voice of your mother echoes inside your head: ‘Vain’. But Nikolai wouldn’t lie to you, would he? At least not in those circumstances.

“Can you keep a secret?” he speaks up quietly, bringing your attention back to him.

“Don’t tell me you put a wild racoon in my parent’s bedroom,” you joke, surprising yourself at your newly-found humour.

He scrunches his nose. “Alright, can you keep two secrets?” The echo of the empty halls carries your bright laughter. “To be honest, I wanted to marry you the moment you argued with me about stealing that merchant frigate in Kerch.”

“I could tell,” you answer with a slow nod. “You had a really stupid look on your face, all dazed and absent. In fact, you wore the same one on our wedding day.”

Nikolai’s lips turn into a playful smile and he’s about to say something definitely smart and smooth but a servant interrupts him:

“Your most royal highness,” she says nervously as she curtsies, “your mother wishes to see you. She seems thoroughly upset, if I may say so.” Judging by her fearful, wide-open eyes, she must have gotten a taste of your parents' hurt ego.

Anxiety once again floods your mind. Maybe you should go, apologize and pray they won’t go on a tirade about ‘raising you differently’. But then you hear Nikolai inconspicuously but meaningfully clear his throat.

‘You’re the queen’, his voice echoes in your head. A queen doesn’t cower and bow her head, does she?

“Tell her I don’t take visitations tonight,” you order the servant.

“Right away, моя царица.” She can’t hide the waver in her voice. Judging by her already fearful demeanour, she can guess quite well what will happen the moment she relays the information.

Yes, you will have to warn your parents that they actually can’t hurl insults at your servants. It’s going to be challenging, yes, but this newfound confidence is a ferocious beast, driving you to own up to the title of the queen - not in the way your mother and father want you to but in a way that you need to.

“Oh, one more thing.” The girl immediately stops and turns around at the sound of your voice. “Make sure they don’t leave their wing until either of us says so. I don’t want them wandering around my home.”

“Of course, my Queen.”

The servant bows again and leaves the two of you in a rushed step. Nikolai waits until she disappears around the corner to let his hand drop to the small of your back. He leans in close, indecently so. “I love it when you get all commanding,” he whispers against your neck.

An airy laugh leaves your lips as he pecks the soft skin behind your ear.

____

мой царь [mo-ee tzar] -> my tsar/king

моя царица [mo-ya tsa-ree-tsa] -> my tsaritsa/queen

#nikolai lantsov imagine #nikolai lantsov fanfic #nikolai lantsov fanfiction #nikolai lantsov #nikolai x reader #nikolai lantsov x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bones x you

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uselesslexbian · 9 days

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the tortured poets department sentence starters.

i was supposed to be sent away, but they forgot to come and get me.

i love you, it's ruining my life.

my husband is cheating. i wanna kill him.

thought of calling you, but you won't pick up.

who's gonna hold you like me?

who's gonna know you, if not me?

sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me.

everyone we know understands why it's meant to be. 'cause we're crazy.

who else is gonna know me?

i should've known it was a matter of time.

we could've played for keeps this time.

once i fix me, he's gonna miss me.

he told me i'm better off, but i'm not.

fuck it if i can't have him.

i might just die, it would make no difference.

fuck it if i can't have us.

'cause fuck it, i was in love.

i stopped trying to make him laugh.

how much sad did you think i had in me?

you say i abandoned the ship, but i was going down with it.

just how low did you think i'd go before i'd self-implode?

you swore you love me, but where were the clues?

i'm just mad as hell 'cause i loved this place.

i forget if this was ever fun.

no, i'm not coming to my sense.

i know he's crazy, but he's the one i want.

i'd rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning.

i'll tell you something about my good name - it's mine alone to disgrace.

you ain't gotta pray for me.

no, you can't come to the wedding.

it's gonna be alright, i did my time.

i will never lose my baby again.

ain't no way i'm gonna screw up now that i know what's at stake.

they said i was a cheat. i guess it must be true.

yes, i'm haunted, but i'm feeling just fine.

tell me i'm dispicable, say it's unforgivable.

am i allowed to cry?

i keep recalling things we never did.

someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts.

if it's make-believe, why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow?

they're gonna crucify me anyway.

what if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

you don't get to tell me about "sad."

if you wanted me dead, you should've just said.

who's afraid of little old me?

at all costs, keep your good name.

you don't get to tell me you feel bad.

so tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is?

say they didn't do it to hurt me, but what if they did?

i'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?

i'm fearsome, and i'm wretched, and i'm wrong.

you caged me, and then you called me crazy.

i am what i am 'cause you trained me.

i can fix him. no really, i can.

come close, i'll show you heaven.

trust me, i can handle me a dangerous man.

you said i'm the love of your life.

well, you took me to hell, too.

what we thought was for all time was momentary.

are they second-hand embarrassed that i can't get out of bed 'cause something counterfeit's dead?

you're the loss of my life.

i can handle my shit.

he said he'd love me all his life, but that life was too short.

i can do it with a broken heart.

i'm so obsessed with him, but he avoids me like the plague.

i cry a lot, but i am so productive. it's an art.

you know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart.

i'm sure i can pass this test.

they said, "babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and i did.

'cause i'm miserable! and nobody even knows!

was any of it true?

who the fuck was that guy?

they just ghosted you. now you know what it feels like.

i don't even want you back.

you didn't measure up in any measure of a man.

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?

'cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden.

i would've died for your sins. instead i just died inside.

i'll forget you, but i'll never forgive.

i haven't come around in so long, but i'm making a comeback to where i belong.

this town is fake, but you're the real thing.

the crown is stained, but you're the real queen.

you're the new god we're worshipping.

it's hell on earth to be heavenly.

#rp ask meme #ask meme #rp prompts #rp starters #rp meme #lyric starters #lyric memes #idk what else #if there's typos no there's not

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munchmemes · 9 days

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taylor swift lyrics, the tortured poets department edition, part two

guilty as sin?

▸ my boredom's bone-deep. ▸ am i allowed to cry? ▸ i'm seeing visions, am i bad? or mad? or wise? ▸ one slip and i'm falling back into the hedge maze. ▸ oh, what a way to die. ▸ i keep recalling things we never did. ▸ how i long for our trysts. ▸ how can i be guilty as sin? ▸ i keep these longings locked inside a vault. ▸ someone told me there's no such things as bad thoughts, only your actions talk. ▸ they're gonna crucify me anway. ▸ what if they way you hold me is actually what's holy? ▸ i choose you and me religiously.

who's afraid of little old me?

▸ the "who's who?`" of "who's that?" is poised for the attack. ▸ you don't get to tell me about 'sad'. ▸ if you wanted me dead, you should've just said. nothing makes me feel more alive. ▸ who's afraid of little old me? you should be. ▸ the scandal was contained, the bullet had just grazed. ▸ at all costs, keep your good name. ▸ you don't get to tell me you feel bad. ▸ is it a wonder i broke? ▸ let's hear one more joke. then we could all just laugh until i cry. ▸ i was tame, i was gentle till the circus life made me mean. ▸ they say they didn't do it to hurt me but what if they did? ▸ i want to snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me. ▸ you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me. ▸ isn't that what they all said? that i'm fearsome and i'm wretched and i'm wrong. ▸ you lured me and you hurt me and you taught me. ▸ you caged me and then you called me crazy. ▸ i am what i am 'cause you trained me.

i can fix him (no really i can)

▸ the jokes that [you/they] told across the bar were revolting and far too loud. ▸ they shake their heads, saying "god help [them]" when i tell 'em you're the one. ▸ i can fix him, no really i can. and only i can. ▸ i could see it from a mile away. ▸ you had a halo of the highest grade, you just hadn't met met yet. ▸ come close, i'll show you heaven if you'll be an angel all night. ▸ trust me, i can handle me a dangerous [man/woman].

loml

▸ we were just kids, babe. ▸ i don't mind, it takes time. ▸ i thought i was better safe than starry-eyed. ▸ i felt aglow like this. never before and never since. ▸ you and i went from one kiss to getting married. ▸ you said i'm the love of your life about a million times. ▸ a conman sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme. ▸ i felt a hole like this never before and ever since. ▸ what we thought was for all time was momentary. ▸ i wish i could un-recall how we almost had it all. ▸ the coward claimed he was a lion. ▸ i'll still see it until i die. you're the loss of my life.

i can do it with a broken heart

▸ i can show you lies. ▸ i'm a real tough kid, i can handle my shit. ▸ they said 'you gotta fake it 'til you make it' and i did. ▸ you said you'd love me all your life but that life was too short. ▸ i can do it with a broken heart. ▸ i'm so depressed, i act like it's my birthday every day. ▸ i cry a lot but i am so productive, it's an art. ▸ you know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart. ▸ i can hold my breath, i've been doing it since [you/they] left. ▸ i'm miserable and nobody even knows!

the smallest man who ever lived

▸ was any of it true? ▸ now you know what it feels like. ▸ i don't miss what we had. ▸ in public, you showed me off then sank in stoned oblivion. ▸ you didn't measure up in any measure of a man. ▸ were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? ▸ good riddance 'cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden. ▸ i would've died for your sins. instead i just died inside. ▸ in plain sight you hid but you are what you did. ▸ i'll forget you but i'll never forgive.

the alchemy

▸ this happens once every few lifetimes. ▸ these chemicals hit me like white wine. ▸ what if i told you i'm back? ▸ the hospital was a drag. worst sleep i ever had. ▸ ditch the clowns, get the crown. ▸ what if i told you we're cool? ▸ honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy? ▸ where's the trophy?

clara bow

▸ all your life, did you know you'd be picked like a rose? ▸ i'm not trying to exaggerate but i think i might die. ▸ this town is fake but you're the real thing. ▸ take the glory, give everything. ▸ promise to be dazzling. ▸ you're the new god we're worshipping. ▸ beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours, demanding more. ▸ it's hell on earth to be heavenly. ▸ them's the breaks, they don't come gently.

#rp meme #rp starters #sentence starters #lyrics rp starters #lyrics starters #roleplay meme #lyrics rp meme #lyrics meme #taylor swift lyrics rp meme

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drewharrisonwriter · 7 months

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On the Mend - Ch 1: Not Today

No Outbreak Joel Miller x Female Reader

Read this on AO3 | Masterlist

Summary: You were having a really, really bad day in the midst of the scorching Austin summer, and seeing your ex boyfriend, Joel Miller, is the last thing you need.

Word count: 829

A/N: (EDIT 09/17/2023) Okay so I heard ya'll! LMAO and decided to turn this into a mini-series. Not sure exactly how things will play out for these two, but I've written a part 2 and decided to call this mini-series On the Mend. LOL hope you like it. This is a one-shot for now, not sure if and how to continue this. I just got this idea recently and wanted to write it.

The merciless sun bore down as she parked her car. The Austin summer had been relentless, and today, it seemed as if even the universe was conspiring against her.

It had been a thoroughly miserable day. Work had been a disaster; she'd spent hours redoing half of a project her co-worker had botched because she was still hungover from the previous night.

The Texas summer heat, relentless and unforgiving, only added to her misery. As if fate had a personal grudge against her, she realized she'd left her house keys on her office desk when she was already halfway home.

She sighed in defeat and turned her car around to retrieve them. All of this was compounded by her lingering morning sickness, a term she found deceptive as it had resurfaced with a vengeance upon entering her third trimester. She had naively believed she had bid it farewell for good when she'd crossed into the second trimester.

"Whoever called it morning sickness should be shot for lying," she grumbled, attempting to quell the rising nausea that threatened to surface.

Dressed in biker shorts and an oversized t-shirt she kept in her car for emergencies, she got out and beelined to the frozen aisle for a popsicle stick and savored the brief respite offered by the melting ice cold treat.

She sighed in relief and grabbed a pushcart. Her only mission in the store was to grab some Oreos, pickles, and frozen pizza to satisfy her cravings that were so intense, she literally cried in the car on her way over.

As she rounded a corner in the store, she was suddenly face to face with the last person she wanted to see: Joel Miller.

Great. She thought to herself. Couldn't have been on a better day.

Ah, Joel fucking Miller.

The man who had once been the love of her life.

The same man who had taken her on the most memorable first date she'd ever experienced, and had filled the past five years of her life with the kind of joy she'd never known before.

But this was also the man who made it clear to her months ago, after five whole years of being together and living together for three, that he has no plans of marrying her and having a family with her.

She and Joel were arguing at the time when he said it.

In the midst of their emotional clash, she couldn't help but speak her mind, her frustration boiling over.

"Joel," she began, her voice trembling with pent-up feelings, "if you get mad at every damn little thing, what's going to happen if we were married? That's not the life I want, and it's not the husband I need."

Joel's eyes flashed with anger as he retorted, "Of course it’s not! And who told you I was going to marry you?" His words cut like a knife, and she felt her heart shatter into pieces.

"We never talked about it, what put the idea into your head?" he continued, his tone harsh and unyielding.

Her jaw went slack in shock, as tears welled up in her eyes as she choked back her emotions.

"But I thought we--," she whispered, her voice barely audible, she couldn't even continue her thoughts when Joel cut her off.

"No." He barked. "You knew from the start that Sarah is my priority. Always was and always will be. I'm not going through the whole marriage thing again." And have our hearts broken all over again when you realize that we're not what you want, he wanted to add. But instead he allowed the silence to linger.

Silent tears slipped from her eyes but she did not respond.

Instead she stood up and went into the closet and started packing. So be it, she told herself as she zipped the last of her bags before going into the bathroom to hastily shove her toiletries into another bag.

She stopped when she pulled one of the lower drawers open. The positive pregnancy test sticks under her box of tampons glared at her, and for a brief moment she contemplated telling Joel. But when she heard the front door slam shut, she pulled herself together and shoved the sticks in the bag as well.

That was seven months ago and she hasn't seen nor heard from Joel since.

Their eyes met for a moment before his gaze fell upon her very round baby bump. Acting on instinct, she hastily placed her handbag in the shopping cart, a futile attempt to hide it from him, though it didn't do much given the fact that she looked like she had tucked an entire watermelon under her shirt.

She grimaced, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. When she locked eyes with him once more, she began walking backwards, her eyes not leaving him and before he could say anything, she had rounded the corner and all he heard was, “Nope. Not today!”

Next Chapter 👉🏻

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izukuisbaby · 2 years

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੭ु⁾💌 ex!husband toji x reader : running into him at the supermarket

୭ A/N : you can find the other episode of this series here ! I'd be glad to receive your prompts or ideas for ex-husband toji :)

୭ infos : bestie gojo, possessive toji but he's being a sweetheart too because it's you<3, CUSSING, female reader, hints as to why Toji and reader divorced x

୭ inspired by @mari-the-bimbo 's concept

m.list | comment and reblog if u enjoyed !

Gojo often made fun of your close-to-death state after your divorce with Toji. He refused to leave you alone and you noticed he tried to take advantage of your celibate sometimes. Today, he insisted on joining you to get the groceries because "you never buy my favorites biscuits and when I come over, I crave them like crazy Y/N, how can you be such a bad friend to me :(" Satoru whined to you EVERY TIME he stayed at your flat. As a gentleman, he was pushing the cart and had an arm wrapped around your waist -- which you scolded him about earlier but Gojo being Gojo just did not care and even tightened the grip he had on you. "OH MY GOD LOOK Y/N THEY MAKE LITTLE TEDDY BEAR SHAPED COOKIES. I'm paying for those but we are bringing them home, sweetheart" Gojo yells in the biscuits alley, "You're such a child Satoru" you smile, "but fine take them". He thanks you by kissing your forehead, still not letting go off his arm around your waist. "Thank you princess" he says smirking.

" “Princess”? Huh, never miss an occasion to flirt with Y/N, right ? Pathetic. You don't waste time, do you Gojo ? " a familiar voice calls out from afar. You both turn around at the same time and witness your ex-husband. "Aww, the single daddy’s here to complain about his miserable single life, how sad” Satoru mocks in his signature arrogant tone. ”She doesn't want you, Satoru Gojo, when will you get that ?" he says, grinning. "And do you really think Y/N wouldn't want me ?! As far as I know, you divorced her and you're not the one by her side every day, are you ? She doesn't love you anymore, move on Fushiguro" he smirks at your ex-husband. "I think Y/N has a mouth of her own Gojo. How are you doing love, you okay ?" Toji asks stepping towards you. Gojo puts his second arm in front of you to mark a limit so that Toji would not touch you. "Fuck off, she does not love you anymore okay ?! She's with me now" Gojo sternly scolds.

"Are you now, Y/N " Toji asked with a puzzled look, "I- I'm not with Satoru. I'm single." you timidly mutter. Gojo's smirk drops instantly. "That's what I thought. Come with me, love, I'll bring you home" he says, reaching out an arm - which Gojo quickly tries to put down by hitting it with his forearm. "Get. Away. From her.'' He looks straight into Toji's eyes. "If you don't move this arm away from Y/N within the next 3 seconds, I'll chop it off and shove it into your a$$ until I can pull your eye out with your own fingers." Toji threatens as he grasped and bruised Gojo's forearm. " 'Toru, it's fine, I swear." you grab his arm and lower it while smiling at him. "Y/N, you're fu*king mad.", "He's not dangerous 'toru chill, he's just my ex" you say calmly. Oh, you really did try to resist his mesmerizing green eyes looking right into your soul. But you loved him, and he knew that - along with Gojo. Your heart desired to take his hand again, to feel him again and who were you to deny your own desires ? You took his hand and the sudden touch ignited sparkles within your body, is that how they describe the soulmates' touch ? It does not matter now anyways, all that matters is that Toji is with you.

As the galant man he is, Toji holds his car door open for you. You sit in the passenger seat as he directs himself towards the driver's. As soon as you both are buckled up, he puts his hand on your thigh and rubs soft circles on it. You try your hardest to keep your composure, but he knew your weaknesses and he loved playing with them. The unknowing paths he was taking let you know that he was bringing you to his house, the one he bought after the divorce. You start to think back to your encounter earlier and you could not help but think "did I do the right thing ?". As if on cue, your phone rang and displayed a goofy picture of Gojo who was calling you for the 26th time. "It was Gojo, isn't it ?" Toji asks, "it doesn't matter Toji, I'll call him back later", "I bet he'll give you a lecture : "oH mY gOd Y/n, HoW dArE yOu ChOoSe ThAt AsShOlE iNsTeAd Of MeEeEE?" and then he would start crying dramatically" he says, chuckling. Your smiley faces meet as you both laugh. Toji turns his head first to park in his alley and swiftly approaches the door on your side to open it for you. The smile you offer him is gratefully returned.

He guides you towards his front door with an arm behind your back and lets you into his home. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll make your favourite for dinner" Toji says, motioning to his couch. "DAAAAD YOU'RE HOME I MISSED YOU", of course that was Megumi. You see him wrap his small arms around his dad's leg, causing the latter to smile. Toji lifts Megumi into his arms and turns towards you. "Look who's here little runt", "Y/NNNNN" Megumi yells as he notices you and starts moving like a worm in his father's arms. He puts him down and Megumi runs towards you. "I MISSED YOU Y/N" you take him into your arms too. "I missed you too 'Gumi" you say, caressing his cheek with your finger. It's impossible for Toji not to remember how things were before you divorced. You three living together, as the picture-perfect family you see in advertisements. While he misses you, he divorced you for a reason, and this reason prevents him from getting back together with you.

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boba-at-323 · 1 year

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Love Once Again...

Note: Renjun is literally an asshole in this I'm so sorry || I swore at Renjun WAY more than I should have || Thank you @jaehunnyy for beta reading this ! || I'm sorry if there were mistakes, I literally did not have the stamina to re read this ;-;

Playlist : One Last Time - Ariana Grande || Miss Me Too - Katherine Li || Love Me Now - NCT 127 || Urs - NIKI || Remember that night - Sara Kays || Time Lapse - Kim Taeyeon

You knew going to Haechan’s party was a bad idea, it always was. But you hadn’t thought it would be “bad” bad.

For the record, whenever Haechan – the most popular (and not to mention hottest) student on campus – threw parties at his place, they contrasted his whole “perfect” image. They were actually just a series of misfortunate events disguised as parties. From extreme, groundless fights breaking out of nowhere to stuff like sudden, random power outages; everything happened at his place on the day he had planned out some event. And even though everyone knew how cursed his parties were, they were still thrilled to hang out with him because after all, it was Haechan– who in their right mind would decline his invites?

Although you witnessed all the damned episodes that took place at his house, you never minded them. Like all the others, you enjoyed crashing at his place whenever he asked you to join him. Even if you weren’t in the mood, it was obligatory for you to go since he was one of your oldest friends and fairly speaking, going to his party was better than hearing him rant and complain for weeks just because you didn’t show up. However, ignoring how everything usually took a miserable turn, you had to admit his parties were actually something no one should be missing out on. For a 22 year old, he was quite the host.

It was actually because of Haechan and his jinxed gatherings that you met the love of your life (or so you thought) –Huang Renjun from Psychology, who was also the same age as Haechan himself. In fact, Haechan was a friend whom you and Renjun shared. Even though you had seen Renjun around the college a fair amount of times, you never took any special notice of his existence.

It wasn’t until one night at Haechan’s place, you had seen Renjun standing awkwardly in a corner all by himself, literally embodying the standing-man emoji. You figured that he wasn’t much of a party person, feeling sympathy when your eyes locked with his lost ones. You hesitantly approached him but once you felt comfortable around him, the both of you ditched the party only to find yourself in a McDonald’s drive thru joking and giggling like mad. From that day onwards, you continued growing closer and closer until the day Renjun decided to end your said “friendship” and change it into something more…meaningful.

Haechan was over the moon when he found out that his best friend was dating his other best friend, leaving the both of you in utter shock when you found out that he had a bet with Na Jaemin from Sociology over how you both would make a perfect couple. And not missing the chance, he simply had to make arrangements for the celebration of the grand event as soon as he got time on his hands.

You had been very content with being labelled as Renjun’s girlfriend, proud even. And he could say the same for you. Your mind had created a whole time capsule with his name engraved on it, treasuring even the smallest memory of the moments you spent with him. From dancing together to whatever music was playing in your apartment to sharing secret kisses on the empty streets during rainy nights, he became the most important chapter in the book of your life. Whenever he looked at you with his twinkling, adoration–filled eyes or whenever he showed you that beautiful smile of his, you would fall for him all over again. He made your universe complete, he made you complete. You just couldn’t imagine your life without him, but apparently life could imagine you without him and that’s exactly what it did.

With the crushing stress of the nearing finals on your shoulders, your irritation took over the best of you. So you decided that, before you hurt someone and had to live with the regret of it for the rest of your life, the safest option was to distance yourself only till the end of the exams which were about two months away. But something in the back of your mind was constantly bothering you – actually, it was worrying you.

Since Renjun had left the city for some upcoming event he had signed himself up for, you hadn’t heard from him for about three months now. You thought you were overthinking the whole situation but for someone who sent good morning / good night texts nearly everyday, you couldn’t help but feel like something awful was about to happen. Nevertheless, biting the unpleasant feeling back, you tried your best not to think about it too much. Ignoring the endless echoing of his name in your head, you continued to distract yourself with your studies. It wasn’t an easy task, but you had to manage.

A few weeks prior to your finals, a usual–midnight–studying session of yours was interrupted when you felt your phone vibrate from somewhere underneath the piled–up notes. Someone was calling. Who could be calling you at midnight? Confused, you searched for your phone. However, when you saw the caller ID, chills ran down your spine along with a feeling of an immediate rush of adrenaline throughout your body – it was Renjun. Nearly throwing off the books resting on your lap, you hurriedly picked the phone up as if a second’s delay would make the communication device disappear from your hands.

“Renjun?”, his name leaves your lips quicker than you could hold yourself back.

What follows is complete deafening silence, your heart hammering against your chest wanting to escape before your tormenting thoughts come to reality. His timing was odd, but his lack of response was even peculiar. This wasn’t something you were used to.

“Hey? Where have you been? It’s been really long...” you continued, trying to start up a conversion all while biting your lip in fear.

“Y/n, we need to talk.”

That was all he said, no ‘hello’, no ‘how are you?’, no ‘I missed you’ – just a cold, hard ‘we need to talk’. His tone was unfamiliar, frigid – a tone which was foreign to you. It didn’t seem like you were talking to Renjun, your boyfriend. No, the person on the other end was just a stranger, someone you had never known.

You chose to ignore the lump forming in your throat, but you couldn’t avoid the haze taking over your brain. According to all those books and dramas you had read and watched, those five words were never a good omen.

“Is–Is everything alright?” you gulped, mentally cursing at yourself for stuttering.

You heard Renjun take a deep breath, preparing himself for the storm he was about to stir up. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to gather the courage to tell you something he had been thinking about for a quiet while now. The thought of doing his next step was easier than actually implementing it.

“Look…” His sigh was silent yet it said so much, “I–I don’t think this is working out.”

With his said words hitting you ears, you felt a throbbing pain in your head as everything went blank. Your throat and mouth went completely dry at his unexpected statement. The ground beneath your feet had been pulled away with your knees failing to keep themselves straight. You felt weak, sick even. Everything was happening so fast, so suddenly that your mind was refusing to accept the cruel reality. It wasn’t even making sense, he wasn’t making sense.

“Wh-what–”, that was all you managed to barely whisper. You hoped what you heard was wrong, hoped that the boy wasn't saying what you thought he was.

“I’m sorry y/n…” he broke the agonising silence again, “I think it’s best for the both of us to stop seeing each other.”

“Bu-But why– Wh-where is all of this co-coming from?” Before you knew it, tears were brimming in your eyes, your body felt tense yet weak at the same time.

“Listen...” he mumbled, trying to end the call as soon as he could, as if he had been forced to break the news to you, “Just. Don’t try to contact me again. Goodbye, y/n.”

The following beeping noise which came from the inside of your phone tortured you as your senses went numb. Your brain wasn’t processing whatever the hell just happened. Thoughts tangled themselves up in your brain, how could he just– leave you like that? Without any explanation, without any reasoning… Did he expect you to just use your imagination? What was this, an open ending book? And why would someone so mindful like Renjun break up with you over a phone call like a coward?

Questions over questions piled themselves up and you tried to call him again and again, but it was of no use. He wasn’t picking up and your texts weren’t delivered because he had blocked you within a span of a few minutes. You sat on the ground defeated, as if the world had stopped spinning for you, as if there was no further purpose in life.

Where did what go wrong?

Whatever the reason for his outrageously baffling behaviour was– because of him, the months which followed were living hell for you.

After that miserable night, you completely shut yourself out. You avoided all your friends, even Haechan and his invites which were actually poor attempts to divert your attention once he found out what happened between you and Renjun.

The coming days, your phone blew up with notifications covering your lock screen. They were all from your friends who were worried as to why you weren’t showing up without a reason. It was only Haechan who you cried out to when he came over after calling you about a hundred times. It hurt him seeing you cut ties with everyone, but being completely honest, he would have too because if the similar had happened to him, he wouldn’t want to hang out with the people who would trigger the painful feeling which came along with those gut-wrenching memories.

But something Haechan couldn’t get his head around was why the fuck would Renjun– someone so genuine and considerate– shatter someone’s heart without any explanation? Haechan never thought of him as someone who would go around playing with another person’s feelings, the type of people Haechan absolutely despised. Renjun was really unpredictable, but he never thought he’d turn out to be such a bastard.

The first month which followed had been the hardest month of your life. Thank to that stupid fucker, you barely passed your finals. And you knew that would happen because after that night, all you did was cry in your bed for hours over hours, repeating all the conversations you had with him over and over again, trying to figure out where everything went wrong. You wanted to scream with everything in you just at the mere thought of his name. You loved him more than you had loved anyone. How could he hurt you like that?

With the second month’s arrival and after a lot of lecturing by Haechan, you finally stopped neglecting your mental health and decided to focus on yourself. Maybe he was right, maybe you overlooking your health wasn’t worth some idiotic player like Renjun. But even though you were trying to move on, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop thinking about him yet. Every night in bed, when your mind replayed a memory of yours with him, his stupidly pretty face caused tears to well up again. All you wished was for that disgusting feeling to leave you alone.

As the third month approached, you started contacting your friends again, but only the close ones. Since the finals were followed by prolonged holidays, it was a good opportunity for you to try to get him off your mind. Having your girls over for movies and stuff was what you actually needed a lot. Infact, their motivational words about how you were worth more than any man on the planet made you feel great about yourself. The feeling which usually came along with the mention of your ex’s name had slowly started to fade out, you were moving on and that was nice for a change.

Finally, when the fourth month began, the you which had buried itself deep down came out of the hiding. You began hanging out with your friends more often and even decided to step outside for some sunlight and fresh air. All of this was just compensation for the emotional rollercoaster you rode for the past three months and, as your girls had convinced you, you were deserving of something much better. Thanks to them, you had nearly forgotten who Renjun was, which made them glad as they saw you live your life once again.

The fifth month was when you realised you had completely moved on because when one of your friends accidentally brought up the topic, you were surprisingly unfazed. His name held no meaning to you anymore. And what helped you even more was that you hadn’t seen him in college once it reopened. Everything was back to normal, you were back to normal. Once again, all your focus was on yourself, with a lesson learnt that no matter what happens, you should always be your top priority.

That’s why when Haechan, as usual, proposed to you the idea of joining another party of his, you gladly accepted his offer. You never thought you would say this, but you actually missed the weirdly–lit rooms of his house accompanied with the sour-sweet smell of liquor filling the air. And besides, it was time to celebrate your freedom, something which you should have done a long time ago.

On the night of the event, you put extra effort into getting ready. You bombarded all your girls with a variety of outfits to choose from, picking the one which got the most votes. Not only that, but you also spent nearly an hour on your makeup. You wanted to look your best, not for someone – but for yourself, as a reward for staying strong throughout your battle.

Once you were ready, you scanned yourself in the mirror and looked for every single detail you put into your appearance. This was the first time in a while you had looked this good. Sure, you thought that you were overdoing it a little, but you were positive that you’d make people do a double take once they set their eyes on you. That’s when a stupid thought entered.

Maybe if he saw me toni–

However, the thought left as soon as it came. Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath.

No y/n, snap out of it…Do not think about that bastard. You’re better off without him.

A shake of the head was all it took to throw out any absurd ideas. Today was definitely not the day you were going to let your trauma get to you again.

Even though you tried to maintain your composure, that one little thought shook your confidence to a somewhat extent. In the pit of your stomach, someplace hidden in your brain, deep down in your heart– you felt the uncertain feeling making its comeback.

“Wow…y/n,” Haechan welcomed you with a dazed smile, “You look stunning.”

“Hello to you too, Haechan,” You giggled at your own wits followed by his embarrassed reaction.

Entering his house, you were greeted by the familiar scene. The whole building was vibrating along with every beat of the song which came out from the blasting speakers. The light was dim, yet you could figure out the silhouettes of all the people you knew. Most of them were on the dance floor hyping each other up , while the others were gathered around the refreshment tables. It also came to your notice that Haechan had installed a whole karaoke booth while you were going through your depressive episode. A lot had changed, still it was all the same.

“Do you want me to stick around with you?” Haechan said out loud, his voice trying to suppress the blaring loudspeakers.

“I think I’ll manage” You mimicked his tone.

“You sure?” his hand found its way to your shoulder, just for providing reassurance.

You replied with a nod and a hum which probably went unheard by him. Giving you a thumbs up, he made his way towards the entrance again so that he could greet the other guests who he had invited over. He was sure you’d do fine on your own, that was until he saw the first person who entered through the doorway.

At first he thought he was seeing things, but after staring for a few seconds, he figured that the guy who had just entered was really there. The sight of the boy’s face made Haechan’s blood boil, his brain refusing to function as range took over all his thoughts. Before he could stop himself, he was already storming towards the boy in context.

“Huang Renjun,” Haechan’s emotions acted faster than his rationality, and he grabbed the other by his collar, shoving him into the wall behind him, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Let me go, Haechan–” Renjun struggled as he tried to slip out of Haechan’s grip, which was a bit too strong, “I’m here to talk.”

“Oh, yeah?” Haechan released his hold with a push, which caused Renjun to nearly fall because of the sudden pressure, “Renjun, I don’t think any of us have time for your stupid games. You think you can play with someone's fucking heart and then disappear only to come back one day just to ‘talk’? You need to fuck off and find some other source of entertainment. I don’t even want to breathe the same air as you after what you did.”

“Listen, I’m aware that I’ve been an asshole, but-” Renjun’s excuse of an explanation was cut off by Haechan.

“Asshole is an understatement,” Haechan remarked with a click of his tongue and a tilt of his head, his gaze had never been this dangerous. The usually cool and calm Haechan had disappeared, transforming into something which scared the boy in front of him.

“Haechan, hear me out. I know that I’ve been a complete fucking idiot and I’m not worthy of forgiveness, but I really, really need to see her.”

“Oh there is no fucking way I am letting you near her.” Haechan let out a bitter chuckle. He couldn’t believe the nerve Renjun had. Unbelievable to him that how, after hiding himself for nearly a year, he was standing in front of him. And not only that, he was also expecting to see someone who ran a lap around hell and back, just because of him, “Have you lost your fucking mind or something? Oh wait– You didn’t even have one to begin with.”

“I beg you Haechan,” Renjun pleaded, “I need to set things right. Why did you think I left her? I was scared. I never once stopped loving her, but when I left I knew I wouldn’t ever be able to make her happy… I knew I wouldn’t be able to give her what she deserved, I knew she’d suffer because of me. And that’s– that’s why before I could hurt her, I thought ending everything would be better for the both of us. Clearly, it was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Haechan scoffed in disbelief, “Hell yes it was. And what did you think? Breaking up with her would make her feel amazing? Did you think she would do fucking fine? Huang, thanks to you, she completely shut herself out. She cried for days and days, I had never seen her this miserable, you fucking coward. And now that she’s finally moved on, you decide to show up again, make her pathetic again? Get a life Renjun.”

Renjun’s hand found his way in his hair, a habit of his whenever he felt frustrated, “Haechan please, let me see her. I promise you I won’t hurt her this time. In fact if she wants, I won’t ever come into either of your lives again. I’ll move to another city. But please let me talk to her alone. Just once.”

Looking at him, Haechan saw the sincerity in his eyes. He had known Renjun long enough to know when he was being genuine, when he actually meant what he was saying. Maybe he should let him see y/n once, but what made him hesitate was the thought of y/n’s pitiful breakdown. What if seeing Renjun cut open her hardly–healed wounds again? But in spite of that, she deserved to know the truth… because it seemed like Renjun wasn’t going to leave until he had settled things.

Sorting out his thoughts, he stepped closer. With a finger pointed towards Renjun’s chest, he granted him access. “Fine, I’ll let you see her once. But if you fucking mess this up again…Huang Renjun, I swear I’ll make you regret coming here in the first place.”

Clearing the way for Renjun, Haechan prayed for everything to turn out fine. He was usually optimistic, but what worried him was that they were at his party, and if everything was going with the natural flow, something was bound to take a wrong turn.

You stood at the refreshment table with a girl called Lee Chaeyoung, who had been complaining about how the other girls in her group had decided to show up wearing outfits completely different then her’s, even though they had decided on a theme. It was nice to talk to new people, though you felt like your social skills had nearly died out.

“Oh, there they are!” She continued excitedly as she pointed towards a few other girls waving at the both of you, “I’ll get going now. Feel free to join us though!”

You gave her a warm smile before returning to what was displayed on the outstretched table. As you were deciding on what you should try next, you heard a voice you thought you would never get to hear again.

“Y/n?”

It can’t be…no please no…

You already knew who it was, but you didn’t have the courage to face the owner of the voice. The nasty feeling was back. Five months of convincing yourself that you had moved on ended up at nothing. All the efforts from you and your friends went to waste. Everything was back at square one. You wished that the ground cracked open and devoured you whole, anything was better than facing the person who was calling you.

“Can we talk?”

Collecting every single bit of strength remaining in your body, you turned around to meet him face to face.

You swore you choked on the air you took in. You couldn't see him well, but the way his hair fell gracefully over his forehead, the way his skin shone even in the dark, you knew he was still the same divine boy you had fallen in love with. But the pain he caused you… how could you forget.

“Why are you here Renjun?” The question left your lips stern as it should have been, your eyes never meeting his ones.

“I need to talk to you, please.”

His emphasis on the last word was enough to tell you that he was desperate, but all your trust in him had faded away the night he ended things. Why was he back, why was he scarring you again… nearing his heavenly voice made you want to fall on the ground and start crying right on the spot. Just when you thought you were over, he came back to torture you even more than he had before.

“Why should I? After what you did, I never even want to see you again, Huang.” You finally brought yourself to look at him directly in the eyes, noticing how desolation resided in them. Yet, you didn’t want to feel even a drop of empathy for him, he wasn’t worth any of your feelings.

“Y/n, I swear I won’t make it long.” Renjun took a small step closer to you, but you backed away.

Your action hurt him deeply, making him want to disappear off the surface of the earth. Since the day he broke up, this was the most foolish and shameful he felt.

“I know you don’t trust me anymore, but you do believe Haechan, right? He said I could talk to you only for a while.” He bit his lower lip, “Look… I know you hate me, you have all the right to. But for heaven’s sake, just listen to me. I’ll leave as soon as I’m done, you have my word. ”

Something which you learned about Renjun over the period you dated was that he really was true to his word. Never once could you remember him breaking a promise. It was true that you had trust issues with him, but if Haechan – who shuddered everytime Renjun was mentioned – had given him permission to see you, it must have been something worth your time.

After reluctantly agreeing to listen to whatever he had to say, you followed him out of the crowded room. But as you left, you scanned around hoping to find any sign of Haechan, the only person who could save you from this situation, but the boy wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Failing at your terrible attempt at finding Haechan, you only prayed that the moment would come to an end soon, you just weren’t ready to go through another series of a mental breakdown.

“Well? I don’t have all day, Renjun”, you spat once you were in one of the empty rooms of Haechan’s house.

Although you seemed rigid, all of it was pretend. You were weak once again as his full face came into view. He was as beautiful as ever, maybe even more breathtaking since it had been so long since you last saw him. Even though his charm remained, you could tell he hadn’t been doing well, or so the dark circles under his eyes said. But why was he suffering when it was him who broke up in the first place? Or maybe it was just because of how ‘busy’ his life was, so engaging that he had no time for love, for you.

“I–I don’t know where to begin–” His head hung low, as he fiddled with his fingers.

“You’d better make it quick and not waste my time.” you crossed your arms in front of your chest, looking in any direction but his.

“I’m just here to say sorry and–” he was yet again, interrupted because his words made you lose your cool.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” you snap, finally looking at him whose eyes were still glued to the ground, “You think saying sorry is going to solve everything? You think I’ll forgive you? Renjun please… This isn’t funny. You’ve hurt me before and you’re hurting me again. I don’t want to go through everything I went through again.”

“No y/n, never. I don’t want to cause you any more pain.”

An irritated groan escapes your lips at how stupid he sounded, “What do you even know? You were the one who ended everything without any reasoning, Renjun. I’m sure you have many more toys, go play with them instead. Let me live, please”

“I never left you for anyone. Neither did I ever move on.” His eyes met yours at last.

Renjun felt like his heart was going to explode. Even after trying to avoid you so much, he had to give in. You looked heavenly, even prettier than the photos he kept on looking at for the past months. He was aware that he was maybe the biggest failure in the world to let go of a goddess like the one in front of him. He wanted to disappear into thin air after facing you. Even if he fell to his knees and begged for your forgiveness, he would never be worthy of it.

“What the fuck.” The sentence slipped out before you could think about it, “Look, I really don’t have time for your ga-” This time, you were the one who got cut off.

“Hear me out, will you?” He took a step closer, making your back hit the wall behind. He was close, way too close. And your stupid heart wasn’t supposed to be beating so fast.

“I-I was scared of loving you, I was scared of not being enough. And you know what? Haechan was right, you’re right. I am a fucking coward… I put myself before you. If I really did love you, I would’ve tried to devote myself to our relationship, save it from crumbling. But no, instead I decided to chicken out and ended up hurting you, something I was trying to save you from.”

You knew Renjun was a sensitive, emotional boy but for the first time in your life, you had seen actual tears in his eyes. If the words leaving his mouth and the thoughts which were going on in his head had made him cry, then he really meant them. Fuck your disgustingly soft heart, you swore you would never feel bad for him but seeing him cry made you pity him. Somewhere in your heart, you still felt the same love for him, even if it was the slightest.

“R-renjun…”

“No y/n. I know no matter how many times I apologise, it is never going to be enough. But since the day I left you, you’ve been the only thought on my mind. Whenever I saw our pictures, your smile set my heart on fire. But everything became worse afterwards, I could hear your laugh echoing around me, I could smell your lingering scent on my clothes, I spent hours thinking about the fucking mess I had created…”

Tears were streaming down his face but it seemed like he took no notice. All he wanted was to win you back, to hold you in his arms once again, to call you his, to make you look at him the way you did before, even if it did seem impossible. But to your surprise, your own eyes were filled with tears. Why? Because that was exactly what you had experienced.

“And I know we can’t go back to how it was,” he continued to lean in closer, so close that you could see the tear droplets decorating his eyes, “But please, give me one last chance. A last try to prove myself, Ito make everything fine…”

His face was only an inch away from yours as his teary eyes looked into your glossy ones. His hand pressed softly against your cheek, head tilted slightly. The both of you knew where this was headed, and something in you just had to give in to him. Cursing yourself for going with the flow, you felt yourself lean into his touch.

“Because I still love you.”

The ghost of a gap which stood there was closed by Renjun, replaced by the feeling of his lips pressed against yours. As if on cue, your hands found their way around his neck, fingers tangling themselves in his hair as an attempt to pull him even closer. You were almost shocked at how you were kissing him back in no time, you didn’t know you were this hungry for his touch.

Renjun’s other hand fell to your waist, sealing any space which remained between you. You missed how his lips felt against yours, how his touch would send jolts down your spine. Your lips continued to dance with his, breaking away shortly only to catch your breath. You thought it was going to feel wrong, but seeing the way your body reacted, everything was more than right.

He was back again, with an honest explanation and it seemed like he had learnt his lesson as well. You thought you would never forgive him, but he was determined to set things right between the two of you. Maybe you could let him start things over again, maybe you could give him one last try again. Afterall, everyone deserves a second chance.

“You asshole,” a slightly–dazed smile was painted on your lips as you pulled away, “You’re lucky Haechan isn’t here otherwise he would have snapped your head off.”

“Thank you, y/n” His forehead rested against yours, eyes closed as he settled in the long–lost feeling “Thank you for trusting me again. I swear I’ll do my best this time, I’ll make us work. I love you so, so much, I’m never letting you go again.”

“You’d better not, otherwise…” You motioned your thumb sliding horizontally against your neck, receiving a light-hearted laugh from him in reply. His beautiful voice hitting your ears was nostalgia, making you feel fuzzy again.

“Deal.” He placed a gentle peck on your nose.

The feeling forming in your gut told you that this time, he wasn’t going to let you down. Perhaps he wasn’t that bad of a human, perhaps all he needed was to face his fears. You figured that he was your first love and you could never be completely over him, even if he had messed with your brain and your heart. You still loved him, and it was good enough to know that he had never stopped loving you either.

Maybe going to Haechan’s party wasn’t so bad afterall.

Title : Love Once Again || Word count: 5.594K || Genre: MAJOR angst, minor fluff, Lowkey suggestive?|| Pairing: ex! Renjun x Fem!Reader

Tagging : @armysantiny @mosviqu and @koishua

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leaderintitleonly · 5 months

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Alright so I saw Wish a while ago and here's some controversial takes.

I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. Hell. 8/10. I enjoyed it that much. Here's my thoughts. Under spoilers because you will get mad, especially if you define yourself by 90s and current Disney movies.

Unless you know me really well. Then you saw this coming. And I already told you.

May there be no more twist villains or WOE IS ME! I AM GOOD INSIDE HONEST! Rebecca Sugar effect villains.

Evil is lime baby!

Happy divorce! GIRL YOU DESERVE IT! When was the last time we had a nice divorce like this? Parent Trap was a sad, miserable divorce. But when did we show that divorce was a GOOD thing in some cases? Only respect for my queen.

We been knew Sleepy was a snitch.

Disability rep at long last that isn't evil or eldery AND she impacts the plot.

Dahlia is my favorite and I love her.

Dahlia has her predecessor's anxiety and public speaking problem and I could cry so much cause that's an easter egg only I know and none of you will appreciate. So there.

Golden and silver age references as opposed to the Renaissance. Chef's kiss. There's a lot of Disney out there. Seeing even the Xerox era get respect was wonderful. Renaissance? Take a backseat, please. You already get favoritism as it is. You get so much merch so seeing a few extra things just for us fans? Yeah. Yeah it feels nice to be appreciated JUST ONCE cause we never will be EVER AGAIN after this.

If you call Asha adorkable for saying her face hurts/feels like it's stuck after working a tour guide job, I'm personally coming for you. As a former tour guide. Cause I have done this after EVERY SINGLE SHIFT. Because you're an asshole. Yes I said it. I'm not adorkable for smiling so hard my muscles went numb. But I am pissed at you for being a prick. And that's what you are. A prick.

This movie suffers from 'the straights are not okay' because they keep shipping Asha with any white man (emphasis on man) they can find, including her grandpa in Star form because he looked like Jack Frost in a earlier phase. Dude it was her grandpa and no I don't want your fanart even though "BUT IT LOOKED PRETTY!" But I know the only reason he has icy blond locks is because it's her grandpa AND IT EVEN HAS SIMILAR FACIAL FEATURES TO ASHA. GROSS MY DUDE. Yeah sorry if you feel personally attacked but no, this really wigs me out. Sorry if that upsets you but I KNOW THIS AND I HAVE THE ART BOOK. Says ASHA'S GRANDPA, SABINO, before we decided he should be alive and impact the plot himself! And... YEAH. Yeah, there.

You could literally ship her all cute with ANY of her friends but you go for the old white men in her life, kinda weird but OKAY THEN!

The movie needed ten or twenty more minutes more so I could chill with The Seven or Amaya. I just wanted more. That's me though.

Bazeema. Bazeema could hide bodies. Let her.

Harvey Guillen voicing Gabo is proof that Disney knows we gay coded Grumpy and they're in silent agreement but won't do much right now other than giggle with us so... thank you, Wish, for being immature with the fandom right now. The Snow White fandom thanks you.

Music was great. No subpar show stoppers that make me go THANKS FOR THE FIVE MINUTE WAIT TO RESTATE EVERYTHING I ALREADY KNOW ELSA.

The music fits together nicely. It's a soundtrack I can listen to without skipping anything because my brain isn't thrown out of whack. Everything segues nicely. I don't hate anything. I like it all.

For example, I feel this way about the Coco soundtrack. While I dislike the contemporary version of Remember Me, I can leave on the entire soundtrack and do anything. There's nothing bad about it. It's great. I sing along or I just vibe during instrumental pieces. I can do this for Snow White, Pinocchio, and Mary Poppins. I cannot do this for many other soundtracks. CONSIDER THIS A VERY HIGH HONOR FROM ME.

No, people just went in with shitty mindsets before reviewing and I'm actually looking for a good negative review because I'd probably agree with them cause different strokes for different folks. Cause no seriously someone said Cruella had more depth than Magnifico. And I love Cruella but... friendo. She's not that deep, she really isn't. I wanna sit that person down and just ask them how deep "old friend from college envies your dog's sparkly coat and steals them cause fashion". She's not that deep, truly. Glenn Close did spectacular but SHE'S ABOUT AS DEEP AS A PUDDLE. And if you mean that Emma Stone movie, no you don't. That movie doesn't exist. Cruella doesn't have some life long grudge against dalmatians because that's stupid and why would you ever write something as stupid as that? Because you wouldn't and it was a collective bad dream we all had. tl;dr I really enjoyed Wish and it makes me realize how much bad writing exists not just in animation but in Hollywood in general and maybe we stop finding some of these things acceptable from now on.

#heigh ho mun #MAYBE don't click on this if you really love disney renaissance and movies pre wish but post princess and the frog

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hermajestyimher · 2 years

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I’m tired of people talking about relationships. I’m tired of beautiful, smart, talented girls let their youth and brain go to waste because they’re thinking of men. I’m tired of my family asking me and telling me to get a boyfriend, even when they’re all miserable in their marriages. Why are they mad I’m an attractive, capable woman who chooses to stay single because my time is valuable?

Men will literally have sex with a warm cantaloupe. It’s not hard getting/keeping/staying with a man. It’s hard to work on yourself. It’s hard to stay single. It’s hard to be celibate and see your value. Today’s society is so backwards - having sex or relationships is ok, but more often than not I feel like it holds back the girlies rather than men. It’s sad.

I want to respect other women’s choices, but some of y’all are letting bald, broke men disrespect y’all. It’s time to elevate ladies. Choosing to be single and withhold pussy is the feminist choice.

I'm just as tired luv. When I started posting here I did it to build a community of women and fem people who wanted better for themselves, to constantly grow and improve as people because for too long our society has been run and controlled by a single demographic and the power imbalance has generated a lot of issues for us.

Instead of finding empowerment in things that have real value in this world such as education, wealth, and a rewarding career/life path, many women would rather spend their time chasing after the most mediocre men they could find, being desperate for an inch of their validation, and now day-dreaming in delusional ways about being dependent on men because work would equal "being in their masculine energy", and going as far as to speak down on the women of the 20th century that marched and fought for the equal rights and opportunities we enjoy today (and continue to fight for).

Seeing how the overachiever woman that can have it all archetype has been tainted by these useful idiots in lieu of these impossible-to-define vague concepts of "feminity" and "feminine energy" has been extremely frustrating. These are the same people that get angry when legislation that affects women is passed, but they don't stop for a second to think about how real change in made to improve our lives as a collective. In their desperation of becoming housewives to live a "soft life", they don't stop to think for a second that we can only attain gains in society by getting an education and reaching high positions of power in different industries. They would rather fall for the trap that right-wingers and religious bigots have set for them to have them dumb, powerless, and dependent on the same people that view them as lesser-than and that constantly abuse us.

Likewise, many women still look down on those of us that ask them to raise their standards when it comes to dating. Pick mes are not as rare as many may think. They see no problem with giving men perks and easy access to them without any sort of commitment. We have glorified baby-mamma culture which is a direct result of hook-up culture. And when some of us speak out against it, they paint us as the "misogynistic" ones. Absolute madness.

Honestly, you cannot help someone that doesn't want to be helped. A lot of these women are going to have to learn the hard way through life that making dumb decisions out of laziness, instant gratification, no self-esteem and lack of critical thinking will pay off in bad ways in the long run, and they will have nobody but themselves to blame for it.

#rant #asks and answers

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queerfables · 15 hours

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Thoughts on 911, start of s3

3x01-3x03

I really like these big city wide disaster episodes. There's lots of room for high stakes, low resources and unexpected complications

Jeeze this show is really written to pull on parental heartstrings. I really like how much of a focus they put on the characters families and how the kids get to be fleshed out characters. But also I think it's clear (and interesting!) how the target demographic of this show is a little older than a lot of the action-y shows that get popular in fandom.

Tbh my feelings on Buck and Eddie through s2 have been like, "sure they're both pretty and they have a few moments but I'm not quite feeling that 'spark'"

But there really isn't anything more profoundly meaningful than "there's no one I'd trust with my kid more than you" so. There's that.

Buck loves Christopher like crazy it's really important to me

I would like to see more of Buck and Eddie quietly losing it over the other one being in danger though. Like not every episode. Obviously they are both extremely competent firefighters who trust each other's skill and experience. Just, you know, occasionally.

3x04

Oh Chimney, don't make this about you. Of course Maddie is going to freak out sometimes if she's reminded of her past relationship. She knows you're nothing like Doug (she wouldn't be with you if she didn't know that) but her brain and her body are wired to protect her from a situation she's not in any more. Just give them some time to catch up.

I really appreciate how this show will show Maddie is traumatised without making her seem fragile.

Oh my god they replaced Buck with the lady I'm pretty sure is Eddie's new love interest? That's hilarious.

Wow the Buckleys are not batting a thousand this episode. Buck do not sue the city because your boss wants you to take a little more time off work, there are approximately a hundred other ways to deal with that which don't burn every bridge in your life down? And Maddie don't stalk your caller and really don't RUN A MAN OVER that is UNHINGED. If nothing else, what if you're wrong??

Was Buck actually fired? I really thought he was just on leave?

3x05

Buck's lawyer is really tearing into everyone

Jesus this is miserable

Buck you're a dumbass what did you think was going to happen

Wow I'm extremely fucking gay for Eddie's new lady friend

Buck and Eddie having a domestic at the grocery store is extremely funny

Eddie doing some dumbass fight club thing what a dork

3x06

Oh we're doing movie homages for this Halloween episode? Delightful

Don't be mean about the bird, Chimney, crows are great

I do feel like Bobby was a bit overprotective with Buck in not letting him come back to work (even though Buck massively overreacted)

Buck what the hell did you expect after suing everyone come on now it'll take some time

Oh Eddie is pisssssed at Buck

Maddie I know you wanna help but all of this is a BAD idea

Maddie I'm sorry but Chimney is super right this whole thing is so bad you have GOT to stop

Lmfao Eddie is SO mad

"I'm not mad," says Eddie, madly.

Aw thank God both Buckleys are doing a little better. Now I just need Eddie to find a coping mechanism that isn't underground cage fighting

#911 abc

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manofmanymons · 2 months

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not really a vent this time but more like some silly, needlessly personal ramblings

I love that my mom has come around to the whole lesbian thing. She was never really opposed to it per se, but she definitely had problems processing and understanding it. For the longest time she would kinda use gender ambiguous terms when talking about romance. Like "your future partner," or "whatever kind of person you end up with"

And to be fair, I could end up with someone who uses they/them or even he/him pronouns. She's not wrong exactly. But the way she said it always made it seem like she wasn't convinced I won't fall for a man someday, y'know? Even when I first came out, her reaction wasn't "I'm surprised you like women," it was more like,,,"I always knew you were queer, but I figured you wouldn't care about gender." She simultaneously never had a problem with the idea that I could love a woman, but couldn't accept that I would never be with a man. And it confused me a lot. To this day I don't really understand what was goin on in that head of hers.

I do know that she stopped with the gender ambiguous language, though. She'll say future girlfriend or wife now. It makes me happy, it really does.

Not sure how to explain to her that I still might not end up with anyone at all anyways. Any time I try to say I'm not really interested in romance, she says it's because I haven't met the right person yet. Classic "you'll know it when you feel it" response.

There are reasons that are more directly sexuality based for why I think I'm better off single. I'm pretty sure I'm demiromantic or something, seeing as I'm 22 and I can literally count the number of crushes I've had in my entire life on one hand. Talking to my friends, it sounds like there's some certain feeling, some natural desire for romantic love that I don't have and can't fathom. Y'know it's not something I ever wanted or fantasized about. I used to get confused when friends sent videos of couples doing stuff and said "this makes me feel so single," because I didn't get why we couldn't just do the same thing. I never really got what they meant when they said it wouldn't be the same. It'd be fun and we love each other, what does it matter that we aren't dating?

There are reasons that are a little more,,,let's say mental health based. I'm bad at communicating and setting boundaries. I swore I'd never snap at someone for upsetting me by doing something I never told them upsets me, and I haven't! I hate people who assume you just "know better" without them ever telling you, and I personally think I've done a bang up job not being one of them. That being said, I can still never quite bring myself to tell someone I like that they're bothering me. I'm also easily bothered by things I know shouldn't bother me. Things I feel would be completely unreasonable to ask someone not to do. So instead I sit there being angry and miserable and wishing I was alone. Even with lifelong friends who have promised they won't get mad if I ever ask them to stop doing something and would even prefer if I did because they love me and can't stand the idea of making life harder on me, I just can't do it.

Most of the reasons tie into what I meant by things that shouldn't bother me. I can't stand sudden noises or movements. I hate sharp sounds and any sound that can be described as "wet." There are places I can't stand being touched. Not even inappropriate ones, either. If someone ever touches my neck, knee, foot, elbow, or wrist, even by accident, it's like a kill switch that makes me irrationally angry. Sometimes the sensation lingers and I end up hurting myself trying to scrub at my skin until the feeling goes away. It used to scare my parents. I have a lot of scars because of it. I hate how whispering sounds. I can't stand the feeling of anyone being close behind me. The sound that kissing makes grosses me out and also makes me irrationally angry. I can only be around other people for so long before I go insane. Even the people I love the most who bother me the least, I've got like a 3 day limit on before it's like "okay great fucking go away now please." Not that I'd ever phrase it like that.

I hate people who chew too loud, laugh too hard at things that aren't funny, or make that icky pop sound when they drink through straws. I hate people who scream when they're excited.

How can I look at someone and tell them "don't laugh like that," "stop eating weird," "please don't clap without saying you're going to first"

It just feels like I've got a million and one obstacles I've gotta overcome before I could be in a healthy relationship, and I don't even want one. But you try to explain that and all ya get in response is "you'll get it when you're older." It was annoying enough when I was a teen, but now that I'm an adult it's like yo how much older exactly am I supposed to get? People I went to high school with are married with kids and you're telling me I'm STILL just too young to understand???

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giorno-plays-piano · 2 years

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Fearless

Part VII

Pairing: prince!Bakugo × duke’s daughter!reader, a bit of Izuku x reader

Warnings: yandere-ish behaviour, obsession, stalking, Bakugo being an ass; may get darker as the story progresses.

Words: 1.1k

Summary: Locked in a body of a fairytale’s character, you are forced to live her life, obeying the the rules of the story where you are the villain. Do you really have no choice but to accept her fate?

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

P.S. Sorry it took me so long to write this chapter! Hope you'll enjoy it <3

_____________

"What do you think it is?" Aizawa asked you from behind, nearly making you jump as you nervously bit down on your lower lip, feeling the Queen staring at you intensely.

"Isn't it one of the fae curses?" You muttered, gently touching Bakugo's arm and tracing pitch-black lines with your finger, almost afraid to voice your concerns. "High Fae's curse."

Despite you having no warm feelings for an asshole your ex-fiance was, you really hoped you were wrong because otherwise Bakugo was completely fucked.

A High Fae's curse. Where on Earth did this wannabe murderer find a High Fae when he was ought to be kept in his chamber at the royal castle at all times?! How damn mad did he have to make this fae to curse him so bad? It was deadly magic, surely. You really, really hoped something could still be done because otherwise the Queen was going to be burying her son in a couple of days at the latest.

Naturally, like any doctor of his caliber, Aizawa had been researching fae's curses for quite some time, but you were unaware if he knew what exact curse it was and whether he succeeded in finding the correct formula to treat it, and the thought scared you to death. You really didn't want to watch Bakugo die.

"You are correct, my lady. It's Invictus in its early stage," the man behind you said and went back to his bag, full of bottles and jars that kept clinking against each other the second he lifted the bag from the floor. "It seems I didn't spend all this time teaching you for nothing."

"Wait, but I thought only the High Lord of the East can cast Invictus," Izuku barged in unceremoniously, scratching his head. "How did His Highness even met him?"

"Yes, you are right too, my lord. But we should leave this matter to Her Majesty because it doesn't concern us, and we will not benefit from discovering the truth."

His sarcastic tone made your adopted brother go red, and you sighed, rolling your eyes to the ceiling. It wasn't the time for this. What the Hell was doctor Aizawa going to do? You felt horrible not knowing how to help this stupid, miserable prince. Was he going to die just like that? God, were you going to just stand and watch it happen?

You murmured, unsure, "We should drain the poisoned blood first, I suppose."

"Correct. Izuku, ask servants for hot water and towels. My lady, while I'm preparing the serum, make cuts in places where the lines unite and drain the blood."

"You will do no such thing until you explain me everything."

Queen's voice sounded like a thunder in the silence of the room, and you immediately turned back to her only to see her turning shockingly pale as if she saw a ghost. Despite her trying to hide it, her shoulders were shaking, and you could see tears forming in the corners of her eyes. Listening to you talking about some incurable curse made already scared Queen terrified to the core - her only child could die, and she didn't have the slightest idea how to help him.

"If it's a curse... shouldn't we ask magicians to purify him?" Her voice quivered, and you felt sorry you couldn't reassure her about healing her son. You had no idea what was about to happen to him, and it was scary thinking about it.

Letting out a loud sigh, doctor Aizawa straightened, turning away from the bottles he had already taken from his bag. His bloodshot eyes looked tired - he had been suffering from insomnia for years, spending his nights solely on research for the sake of people like Bakugo. Maybe it was the stern tone of his voice or the way he looked at the Queen, but once he started talking, she grew silent immediately.

"This is not a curse casted upon a prince by some sorcerer. It is a curse the High Lord of the East casted on His Highness himself," the man said grimly, watching Izuku bringing in the bowls filled with hot water and a pile of towels and bandages. "It can be reversed within several hours if the Lord decided to go with it, but I can see it is far too late for that. Invictus is poisoning prince's body. Since his disease is still in the early development stage, we can drain the poisoned blood and inject His Highness with serum that can futher purge the poison. I cannot guarantee a success, but I have healed a few patients with Invictus like him before. Now, if we may, we need to start treating His Highness. When the black lines stretching from his arms reach his neck, I will no longer be able to help."

Aizawa started moving without waiting for the Queen to agree with him as if he wasn't scared of treason. Albeit you were scared as much as someone in your position could be, you did exactly like the doctor instructed you to, not watching the distressed mother of the boy who looked so horrible you really thought he wouldn't make it. God, his chances were slim.

"How many did you save?" she finally asked when you were already sitting by Bakugo's bed, your hands hidden beneath long gloves made from coarse cloth as you made careful cuts, black blood streaming into the crudely made surgical drainage system. The smell coming from the wound was so disgusting you felt nauseous, happy you had a mask covering most of your face.

Aizawa didn't even turn back to the Queen as he replied, "Two."

"Two?!"

She screamed something furiously, but by that moment you were under such pressure you could focuse only on the black blood dripping from the wounds on Bakugo's hands and nothing else. Who cared how many people doctor Aizawa saved when the boy was gonna die anyway if no one did anything? To get through a High Fae's curse was a miracle by itself. You were ready to follow the instructions of the doctor who helped at least anyone to come out alive from this Hell, and you needed to do a good job for him.

Sometimes you really hated this world for its lack of technological advancement: there were no rubber tubes, Jackson-Pratt or Penrose drain, and the bandages were horrible comparing to what you had back home... But you had magic and elixirs and all this stuff you still hard time believing. Maybe doctor Aizawa could save Bakugo. Maybe there was a chance if you did your job right.

So you kept draining the poision from the prince's veins until the doctor finally returned with a syringe.

_______

Tags: @tspice283 @surprisemodafakas @honeybeehungry @tjmaxx556 @superblyspeedydragon @ssplague @lunalily19 @isentsworld @je-suis-argent-miel @mrsushiwakaflaka @yanderetodorokishoto

#bakugo katsuki x reader #bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugo #yandere #boku no hero academia #my hero academia shigaraki

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yoke9494 · 11 months

Text

Operation: Get Mikasa Laid. 🍆

*Mikasa is bad at feelings

*Y/n, Conny, Sasha, and Jean helping Mikasa confess to Eren.

*Mini crack chapter from a deleted AU.

*(OC mentioned (Wyatt) is from my Porco Galliard/Reader/OC fic They're Devil's. Poly type relationship. )

____________________________

Conny clicked his tongue and shook his head. "Man, Y/n... Why you gotta do our boy like that? He doesn't even act that way?"

You gave Conny a dead panned look. You stood there in one of Eren's hoodie, a cheap brown wig that you put into a messy hoe bun, and neon green contacts you bought from some beauty store.. It was the only green ones they had.

You huffed. "Like fuck he doesn't.. bitch has no game. He's just lucky he's pretty and the girls around campus are easier than Marco is after two shots and a Shakira song.."

You looked back at Mikasa whose cheeks were a bright red. "But not you Mika! You're a gem and Eren is gonna be SO LUCKY to have you!"

Her blush got even redder, she gave you a small thank you before Jean walked in. A fresh bowl of popcorn in his hands, Sasha following him munching on some potato chips.

(Jean) "Don't forget to do that stupid lip thing he does."

(Sasha) "And that eyebrow thing."

Conny sighed and stood up from your desk chair. " Even though I'm working with a cheap actress, we'll get this shit down and get you fucked sideways Mikasa..OW! Fuck Ere-- I mean Y/n! Stop hitting the director!"

---------

"Action!"

You tried your best to make your voice as deep as Eren's. But you sounded like that one seagull from The Little Mermaid.. It took everything in you to not laugh at this fuck boy persona you needed to master.

You did the weird lip thing and strutted up to Mikasa. She backed up against the wall and gasped when you slapped your hand by the side of her head. Traping her between you and the wall. To add a little razzle dazzle you struggled to put your foot on the wall to make sure she didn't go anywhere.

Yes Mikasa helped you by holding up your leg.. You really needed to stop getting dicked down by two babes, at the same time, when you had shit to do the next day..

"Aye girl, What did you wanna talk about?"

Mikasa gulped... You looked nothing like Eren, but this was doing something to her. You were a really good actor..

You lifted your brow and twirled some strains of Mikasa's hair between your fingers. "Well? I ain't got all day Ma.."

Mikasa gulped and sucked in a breath. "W-well.. uhm Eren I--"

Conny cut her off. "See your bad acting is making her lose focus!"

(Sasha) "Damn, shut up Conny! Look at how red Mikasa is. She gets that way every time she wants to confess but chickens out."

(Jean) "You're voice needs to be more annoying but other then that. I see Eren.."

Conny pinched the skin between his brows. "I can't work with this miserable crew... This is why you're all single!"

(Jean) *Snort* "What are you talking about asswipe?! It's just you! I went on my third date on Friday, Sasha and Niccolo have been dating for 4 months, And Y/n has mad hoes."

You gasped as Mikasa helped you get your foot off the wall. "For your information Jean. Just because I have two boyfriends doesn't mean I have hoes! Armin's in the same kind of relationship I'm in! No one says shit to him!"

Sasha snorted while Jean looked lost. "Huh? I don't mean it like that-- like they're your own hoes but they're both mad.."

"Huh?"

Mikasa cleared her throat. "I think he means you have two special someones in your life but they're both mean... Well mainly Porco but Wyatt can be sometimes.."

Conny scoffed. "You have the worst pussy game Y/n. Even more than Eren does, but somehow you got two dudes all head over heels for you.. How does it feel to be God's favorite?"

You rolled your eyes but chuckled at Conny's pout. All the flavors in the world and he chooses to be salty? "Can't be his favorite when I blow it up every time I eat dairy---, Wait! you know what! You play Eren then!" You snatched off the wig and threw it at him.

Conny scrunched up his nose and threw the wig at Jean. "Ew, it's cursed!"

It slapped Jean's face and landed in his popcorn. "The fuck Conny?! I don't want your lice in my movie theater butter popcorn!"

Conny's hand slapped his chest as he gasped. "With what fuckin hair would the lice hang on to?! If anything it's from Y/n!"

Sasha let out a loud groan. There was a reason why you four never worked on things together. If only Armin wasn't busy.

All this negativity was making her chips taste bad. WWAD? (What would Armin do?)

The microwave light in her brain went off. "That's it!" She yanked the wig out of the popcorn bowl and yanked it down on Jean's big head. She pushed him towards Mikasa who was a champ and stood there, patiently waiting for you all to stop bickering.

(Sasha) "Jean just stand there and look pissed off. Say something stupid once in a while... Mikasa just say whatever you feel. Listen to what your heart is telling you. No one will judge you here."

Sasha gave you a look and you got it right away. You reached into your pocket and dialed a certain someone's number while you stood in back of Jean.

Jean cleared his throat. "DURR my name's Eren and I suck at call of duty.. I have a big nose and my feet stink. I moan when I fart and I like to lick wallpaper.."

Mikasa sighed. "Well.. Eren. I--"

She looked at you and you gave her a thumbs up. She could do this..

"Eren, I just want to let you know how I feel about you. We've been friends for so long that you've become someone very special in my life. I care about you and always worry for your well-being. A lot like how I care about everyone else-- but not really? I've started to notice... I care for you a little more-- alot more. When you hold my hand my heart feels like it's on overdrive. When you smile and look at me my stomach tickles. When you tell me I look pretty or you like my outfit, nothing can ruin my day after. It's like you're on my mind constantly and I don't want it to stop. Everything you say or do is perfect to me.. I think-- No-- I know I love you Eren. I don't know if you feel the same but I just want you to know how I feel.. I can't keep it a secret anymore."

The room was quiet.. well except for Conny's sniffles. "Fuck... I really need to find someone."

(Jean) "Right.. even I got butterflies.."

Sasha nodded. "Not even Niccolo's steak and potatoes can make my stomach flutter like that.."

(Conny) "I really hope you're talking about food and not his dick."

(Sasha) "Both.."

You wiped a tear that rolled down your cheek. Your heart shit its pants at how cute all this was. You love Eren and Mikasa and they deserve one another. They really should have been dating a long time ago but Eren went into a hoe faze and you just let him..

You sucked ass for letting him do that to her for so long..

You turned the phone over and locked eyes with your best friend. Stupid green eyeballs stared in shock with a mouth full of sour straws. His gaming headset halfway off his head.

"Did you hear all that you harlot?"

Mikasa's eyes widened when she saw you had video called Eren. He heard everything..

"Y/n how could you--"

Eren cut her off. "M-Mikasa? Y- You really mean all that?"

Like a alley cat Mikasa froze for 0.2 seconds before she tried to bolt it out the door.

Not on your watch!

"Get her!!!"

--------------

Eren watched on the other side of the phone screen. Completely in a daze..

He's had a small thing for Mikasa for a while but always thought she saw him as just another friend. He even thought she liked Jean for a while.. "Woah.."

A girl like scream made him jump. "Y/n?! You okay?!"

But it wasn't you who screamed. It was Conny..

What was happening?! From the angle your phone laid on its side as Mikasa was throwing everyone around your dorm room.

Sasha was trying to hold Mikasa by the waist, You by her leg, Jean and Conny on the floor.

Eren's door flew open, Porco walked in with a few boxes. "Eren we got some of your shit delivered to our room again. Wyatt opened the one from your mom and took out his Blue's Clues apple sauce-- What are you watching?"

Eren held up his phone, Pork Chop snorted and got closer. "Is that Y/n?! What's happening?"

Somehow you got Mikasa in a headlock but she over powered you. She flipped you over her shoulder and threw you.

You bounced off the wall and onto Sasha bed. Knocking down all her posters as you went down.

You sat up and smiled before you wiped the drool that escaped from your mouth. "Hell yeah! I like it when they're strong! C'mer girl!"

Like a rabid squirrel you jumped onto her back. "Conny get her legs!! Jean, Sasha, use your body to block the door! Do or die people!!"

Porco shook his head. "Why do I love her Eren? Is there something wrong with me?"

Eren shrugged. "Probably but.. Uh, Mikasa confessed.. What do I do?"

Now it was Porco's turn to be shocked. "Bullshit, did she really?"

Eren nodded while you yelled in the background. Something about (Yee haw? And Mikasa being a steed...)

Porco hummed. "Well you like her too right? She manned up and said it. Now it's your turn.."

Before Eren could come up with an excuse Conny's ugly mug took up the phone screen. Snot running down his nose like that one scene from the Blair Witch Project. "Eren come get yo girl! I'm getting scared!--- Mikasa stop biting Y/n!!!"

Oop, guess it's time to go...

.....................

#eren yeager #attempt at humor #mikasa ackerman #conny springer #sasha blouse #jean kirstein #x reader #fanfic #alternate universe #attack on titan porco

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himebushou · 1 year

Text

THOUGHTS ON EP. 11 BEFORE I JUMP INTO THE TAG!

What?

And I mean WHAT?

The last thing I expected in this episode was for Misaki to die?? Poor lady. I was pretty mad at her earlier on in the episode because she kept making it sound like Miri had lived in some miserable conditions or something (and Misaki saw with her own eyes that Miri's room was wonderful and etc.) but... phew. Really glad freaky Ogino didn't get to hear her last words. I have a lot of pity for her and I think she could have had more light in her life.

And ew, I found myself pitying Rei's stupid pops, too. The way he said, "Everything just as it always was," highlighted just how much of a traditionalist he is, but I also got the impression that he also felt trapped by the weight of the Suwa name and the mess he inherited. However, Rei wants to break the cycle while Suwa Shigeki didn't even ever consider that a possibility, so...

But man, if he gets some kind of redemption, I will punch a cushion in anger!!

I SO THOUGHT Kazuki was going to manage to kill Ogino? I was literally yelling, "YES — KILL HIM!" as I was watching, lol. I find it a bit flaky that Ogino left Kazuki alive considering that Kazuki was literally a target, but I guess the justification in the writing (that Ogino only does one job at a time) kinda holds water? Hmm.

I love how Kazuki yelled, "REI!" as a fake out and was pretty sad that Rei wasn't actually there but phew, Kyuu-chan to the rescue! And man, I was so proud of Rei for PHONING KAZUKI and COMMUNICATING and man, Kazuki really is the brains, huh? I love them both so much!

I'm glad that we got a scene of Miri wondering where her papas are because I was feeling a bit hard done by when it seemed like tiny pop had just moved on. But phew. How are they going to explain to her that Misaki's not coming back —

I loved the montage at the beginning, too. Rei losing at games and Kazuki losing all will to cook... though I nearly started bawling when I saw Miri's empty room. And Kazuki wiping his tears on his arm? Goodbye.

The idea of change really hit hard this episode, huh? Rei insisting that it had to be the three of them and that they could only do it together — Rei being passionate and Kazuki just taking it all on and laying down the law! I actually cracked up when Rei flipped over only having an hour of playtime each day (like, c'mon Kazuki — that's harsh). Also, I loved that Kazuki saw a little montage which included Karin saying, "MAKE MIRI HAPPY!" because that's so important and I'm glad that Kazuki has accepted that yeah, their family is anything but conventional but hoo, they can indeed make Miri happy.

Misaki dying in Kazuki's arms though... that was painful. And what a powerful performance from Kazuki's voice actor. I thought the background song sounded a bit out of place, if I'm completely honest. (But then again, I wasn't really listening properly, so...)

The pacing was a bit. Hmm. A lot was crammed into this episode. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I wasn't sure if the impact of Rei's speech really hit me the way that it was supposed to. I was relieved that Kazuki didn't um and ah over what to do, but it was a bit — "BAM! Misaki is dead and now Miri is orphaned and I can't do anything without your help and I know change needs to happen but I'm somehow having all of these epiphanies without addressing the giraffe in the room which is that we have to take down my evil dad's evil organisation."

SO BOTH THE DADDIES AND THE BUDDIES ARE BACK! And only one (1) woman had to die to achieve it. 🙃 If this series didn't have Miss Anna, it really would be a bit of a wreck where women characters are concerned, lol. Yes, we also have Karin, Carol and Dorothy — but they're kinda more plot devices than well-realised individuals, so, you know.

So... I think that the family will now get by on the leftover money from the pay packets that were supposed to come from Karin, now that they're out of the hitman business. Where will they live? How the heck is Kazuki proposing to continue taking Miri to daycare? And what is Kyuu-chan going to do? He'll be a target too, right?

LOOKING FORWARD TO EP. 12!

#buddy daddies #my thoughts are rly messy

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llycaons · 11 months

Text

ep10: and then there's THIS asshole

THAT BITCH. sitting on roofs is wangxian's thing!

xxc looking SHARP. the very very obvious exposition here is so funny

see I don't even think the fans are exaggerating when they talk about him being a kinky bitch I think it's heavily implied in the canon text

SO DRAMATIC LMAO

oh! people write xxc and sl as traveling together but actually before this scene they were doing their own thing and just knew each other as friends

aww, younger jc had some principles after all. along with hopes and dreams. the ability to empathize with other human beings. a chance at getting married someday

they keep talking about xy being so young but wwx and co. are only like 16 here and xy is clearly around their age so??? how young could he possibly be. he was younger in the novels but the timeframe is different anyway

WHY IS HE TIED UP LIKE THAT

LOVE this response. it could be him saying "I have no shame and you can't scare with with your implications because I don't care about my reputation' OR it could mean 'I'm already gay and everyone knows it, you bitch. your move'

huaisang they are literally surrounded by corpses. why do you think

wwx latching onto this and them smiling SO big at lwj...jc getting mad at him...ough

side note I think that we can assume that he's at peace with his sexuality and any resistance he has to being into lwj is much more about his hangups around commitment and being loved, and about his embarrassment over being attracted to someone so strict and unfun (and maybe also he feels like he's not allowed to want/have things in his precarious role in the family and therefore ruins his own opportunities reflexively)

lwj I think does have some internalized homophobia to work through but a lot of HIS resistance is related to feeling shame over having desires/emotions esp romantic/sexual ones (father issues, also maybe his upbringing and personality too) and also embarrassment that he likes someone as wild and unconventional as wwx. anyway

nhs waxing poetic about handsome gentlemen for the second time in two episodes and people still write him as straight?

wwx looks so fucking miserable watching xxc walk away with no more info on his mom and jc SEES that oughhh

BIG SEXY IS HERE!!!!! I am of course referring to both nmj and baxia but I couldn't get a good pic of baxia and there's a limit on the number of images per post anyway

jc and wwx looking so pleased at the praise is ADORABLE. I actually think a fun hc is that nmj is the reason wwx knows he's into dudes

also, nmj being the ONLY person to call lwj 'wangji'! he's such a big brother...

oh shit I forgot this. wwx is the one to save xy's life here! honestly this was for the best. despite all the horrible things xy did later, I don't think it would have been okay if nmj personally killed a defenseless man in cold blood just because he was angry

WHAT A DICK I know I just said killing xy in cold blood out of a personal sense of anger would be bad but honestly I don't even begrudge jgy for taking his chance and murdering this guy

he's also SO stupid for letting prejudice and his ego get in the way of doing his job and carrying out his SECT LEADER'S orders

iirc this is literally the only time jgy and wwx are alone in a scene together and it's just a very polite exchange and wwx thanks him for all his hard work while everyone else is feasting after the commander was a dick to him aww. flash forward 20 years and wwx is like 'I never hurt you! Why did you ruin my life!" and jgy was like 'well SOMEONE was going to and it may as well have been me!' insane

this line is more romantic than "'l'll sleep on your roof tonight" imo

ah the gentle longing of first love, unceremoniously doused in the cold water of the realities of war. one of the more background tragedies of this show

OH FUCK THERE'S WZL!!!!! MY GUY!!!!! IN THE CORNER!!!!

fun fact: apparently this is a very famous shooting location and it's used in a ton of cdramas

despite this action I don't think he genuinely cares about nmj, honestly. appreciated, almost certainly. but I don't think he truly respected or cared about many people. it's just that he could see his death right there in nmj's eyes and this choice was a last-ditch gambit to preserve his own life by risking it in the most performative way possible

isn't it wild that wen chao and jiang cheng have the same advice for wwx which is: stop interfering in the affairs of other clans?

even the ego-blinded wen chao can tell that wwx is into lwj

honestly wwx's crush just makes me so sad in this arc. so delicate and new and he's so young and so many terrible things will happen

see I think lxc valuing jgy and publicly supporting him and praising him earned him one of the only spots on the list of people jgy genuinely cares about. I don't think he respects him, at least not enough to not use him to murder his friend, but I will argue that jgy feels genuine affection for lxc and BELIEVES he never hurt him/never wanted to hurt him. this dialogue is mental, it's not a performance

this is also why jgy/lxc is more emotionally true to me than either of them with nmj (even tho I obviously don't support it or thinks jgy would be a good romantic partner), sorry nielan fans I appreciate your perspective but I think this is the more textually supported one, even if it ends much worse

jgy is so fascinating to me like the way he'll twist himself into whatever he needs to in order to survive. he defends himself saying 'he said horrible things to me and beat me' then 'he insulted my mother' then 'he took credit for my accomplishments' and each one seeming to flow naturally to the next as nmj rejected those reasons…very interesting that nmj criticizes jgy for wanting praise and credit, contrasting characters like lwj, who are widely praised for not caring about credit or glory

this last shot of nmj IS haunting tho. jgy may not have cared about him but I think nmj really cared about and trusted jgy, and this betrayal of someone who values justice and loyalty was very hard to take

personal highlights:

wwx comparing himself and lwj to xxc/sl

nhs complimenting xxc and sl in a gay way

wzl in his first appearance!!

wen chao noticing how much wwx likes lwj, which is kind of horrifying but also it's a good measure of just how obvious he is and people do not talk about wwx being hopelessly in love enough

#cql re-rewatch

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canceramorem · 1 year

Text

Syracuse NY, not exactly where Jeypizzle would have ever imagined he would be at this point in his life (2018). Many years ago I swore to myself and to God that I would not travel, live or even visit any state north of Virginia. Including VIRGINIA. It should be called an " uncommon wealth" state, it's uncommonly unfair, and people like @valeriejanegreen are happy in such a miserable , fake, not quite Florida, and will never be California- state, such as Virginia. I used to have a sticker in the hotel room I resided in for two years, and it was one of those " Virginia is for lovers" stickers with a heart on it. But instead of "Lovers" , I had scratched it to say " Losers" . Yeah Valerie, you and your homeboy Duane Kookey, love Virginia and New York , "Virginia is for losers". And so is New York, mainly St Lawrence County .losers and people that are sex offenders. That's the home county of Marie But as far as I'm concerned, I would have just forgotten Virginia and points north altogether. I go south and west - FUCK GOING NORTH, FUCK NEW YORK MASSACHUSETTS RHODE ISLAND, ( I lived and grew up in Newport, Rhode Island. Do you know how bad ass Newport RI is ?) I lived by the way of points south, and to continue southbound. Well thanks Marie. Uh- hum "$carlett" .

Here is a little insight into this woman named Marie Clara Camp, a woman that I was, and still am, in fact, deeply in love with. Marie was born in 1975, July 9 to be exact. She is a cancer in the zodiac signs , and I am a Capricorn. I'm not big on horoscopes, and only recently did I discover this, that we are unlikely, but highly compatible soul mates. Marie has a disorder, well, a few actually....

Marie has 8 personalities, and all 8 of them are compulsive liars. It's not something that she (them- all 8 personalities) can control. She lies in order to preserve her Self-righteous image. Although she has a master's degree, she works in a fast food restaurant. She is such a lovable woman, but she hasn't been married ever, she goes to church , but will lie about going.

She can't stand to admit when she is wrong. ( Which is more often than not). Even when she gets caught in the act of doing something wrong , she claims plausible deniability , especially when it comes to cheating on me or flirting. Trying to twist it back on the person that caught her red- handed (me) .She will use the "poor Marie" defense,asking complete strangers for help, as if I did something to her . I have even seen her flirt with whatever man comes to her aid - because she usually makes a scene , yelling and screaming when confronted with any accusations that you bring against her. She will all but forget who I am and team up against me, with a complete stranger. saying " Jason this" or " he" did this or that ( referring to me, Jey pizzle). This always involves her denying it, and then either physically attacking me or yelling as to cause unneeded attention.

Just trying to get an honest 100% truthful answer from her is a lesson in futility, trying to get a straight forward answer from her is literally like forcing a cat into water. It's will leave you scratched ( emotionally) , and with a crushed ego. ( She will try and make you feel stupid, like you should have known that's just how she is, and shes not gonna change it ever.) She would mumble things under her breath and think that she was being honest with me. Well, she was telling me the truth, but I couldn't hear nor understand, what she was saying. It would end up with me getting so mad and upset because she said that she told me. Well, I didn't hear , so can you repeat it? And she wouldn't. Which led to me just going in circles with her and her personalities. It really is impossible for her to just tell the truth. This proved to be so exhausting, so draining that it actually caused me psychosis. So , here we were, two people in love. In love , and in this state of psychosis, but madly in love with each other. It turned out to be mind boggling , the way she would do this mumbling, and talking under her breath (Phychobabble). She thought it was normal. It was not normal. But I looked past the madness. I looked past it, and pushed forward with a love vengeance . Hoping that someway , somehow, she would just be honest with me. Because, as the zodiac suggests, and how I felt, I loved this woman . And I wanted to and still want to, is spend my life with her. I even offered to go to the psych-ward with her. Just so she wouldn't be alone in there. I meant it, I really would! But I was just a pawn in her game of power, you see to her, image is everything. She's like that Magazine 'Marie Claire' Do you think they show the real stories behind the plastic 'fake' girls that are in that magazine? Fuck No! And The Marie I fell in love with reminds me of the fake -ass ' perfect ' girls in that magazine, she paints a picture of perfection , but is far from perfect. I was and still am good with that, but at some point, we all need to be accountable for our actions, and My Marie Bear is no different. Maybe it's because she needs men to crash and burn for her. It builds up her sense of being a goddess. She has even told me she is a " Goddess" . More like a "Succubus". A Succubus that has sex with men and then steals their souls. Like she did to me. She sucked all of the good out of my soul and left me a brokenhearted, love- crippled -crash test dummy. Hopping on buses and traveling to be with her, while the whole time she was messaging " Marco Givenspace ", telling him things like " Mo and Marie". I even discovered messages between her and her online African -American lover. I discovered this gem of infidelity, accidentally. Can you imagine what this did to my heart. Hurt is an understatement. Pain is relative. This is just, I don't even know how to describe it, I guess call it , just plain old "shitty", to do to someone. To hear her tell it, she doesn't know who he is or why I saw it. I guess it wasn't meant for my eyes.

But messages to other dudes didn't matter. Bad decisions have always been a big downfall for Jeypizzle. And being so in love that it blinds your decision making process , like looking directly into the sun for five minutes without blinking, that's what the blindness was like. But even Stevie Wonder could see what was going on. I just used love as an excuse not to see the truth.

Throw in a few months of missing your twin-flame (soulmate), her asking you to come to her sooner rather than later, and the police raiding your spot, and you have the perfect recipe for "Escape from Asheville " pt 1 -brokenheart pie. Comes with a side order of regret and a big glass of fuck you Jpizzle to wash down the pain and problems that follow. What I once considered absolutely insane , I was more than ready to do the unspeakable, which was go through that damn New York port authority bus station. Toting bags, wasting money- Fucking drinks for like 6 dollars. The people , the rudeness, the cops , the everything I cannot stand, I was ready to embrace it with a big hug and kiss. And not to mention the money spent on these ' love trips ' to New York . Sure, the church financed most of them. So I guess that means I owe God for wasting church money on me , traveling on God's money to see Marie. Well you can have my soul God, well, what's left of it after she got it first, and left me with hardly any soul left. I feel like a casualty of love. That's when you love someone so much and they take all your love and don't give you back what you deserve, or at times, none at all.

This part of my departure from Asheville is still a little bit grey. I know that at some point , our hill was just off the chain with visitors, theives , junkies Angelas (nasty redhead). Yeah , it was a matter of time before shit went down. And if I was not hallucinating , then one night or really early in the morning , this day it went down just the way it should have -with me not getting arrested , and getting to Syracuse NY.

I was just casually gacked out , watching the darkness , dancing with Shadow people, and not sleeping. Which after a few days , can make you see shit . I went to check on my charging block at the Target 🎯 sign, I charged anything I need charged there. This night as I crept down the muddy embankment . I couldn't help but notice , what appeared to be Asheville police cars going down the rode single file , all the way to Chuck E Cheese! So, I crept back up the hill like a fucking crab backstepping from a big lobster. Fuck the charging blocks , fuck the gear I left up on the other Gary cook spot . I had my binoculars, some good shit, and a strong will to not get arrested, and most importantly I had the love of my life telling me she wants me and she loves me. I gathered up all of my tweeking capabilities and formed an escape- type plan. Ever -so -carefully, I avoided flashlights chasing me - , and a bunch of cops and more cops, trying to get something or somebody on the hill that was like a fucking disposal site for anything illegal. Good ole dollar tree hill had been the hottest spot in Asheville , for over a year. Since day one when Gary and I first found it. I had lived on the hill with my Marie bear, real bears ( a family of them) , and Gary . As heart wrenching and dangerous as it was , I had to leave and get to her in NY.

A big thank you to the ABCCM in black mountain for helping me get to my wife in Syracuse in September 2018, I am forever grateful for everything you-all have done for me. God is great! And we owe you immensely.

So I got into Syracuse on a Sunday. Of course , " Clara - Bell" ( same girl, different name) wasn't there to meet me at the station. She did tell me the address and it was a few miles away still. So I hauled ass, and in about an hour or so , she came out to see me in the rite-aid parking lot, hung for an hour, then went to where she was staying at , - a fucking domestic violence woman's shelter. And she was supposedly, running from me! Imagine that! Who runs from someone , yet tells them to come exactly to where they are at?

WTF , so I camped out and the usual , um , being treated like a fun dummy- is really the only thing that comes to mind. Clara Bell did bring me some food though. It was good and the cheddar cheese she brought , well it was right from New York state and was delicious, considering I was famished and just about starving.

I don't regret anything I did in the name of love or for her. I took the chances, and there is no such thing as reward without taking risk. I just want you to realize that I did everything you wanted , I was trying to overcome the odds , and at the same time make sure you were safe. The day when you walked by me and then rushed to get away so you could be with Jose, or the guy from that big church that you met the day you punched me in the head. Or whoever else, the guy from the " Ox", how you told him you needed help, and you were hanging around the fucking " Ox" . That's not loyalty, that is so hurtful to do to someone that loved you so much , locked me out of 511 Bellevue , you just hurt me so bad, I have been so faithful and really never did so much as kiss another woman. I couldn't, I really was lovestruck, love blinded , and under your spell. Here you were, living with all guys , and all these guys trying to get me out of the picture so they could have you. Finally I left new York, and left so hurt, I'm still not right to this day from that.

Getting on the bus to go to Texas , I believe that was the beginning of the end of my life, the time when having a broken heart so bad can actually fuck a person up and start cancer. It's not scientifically proven, but I know it didn't help my aging -heartbroken -46 year old self.

I felt like the biggest dummy. I had came to this fucking horrible place all because she asked me to, and not just one time! I had left when Marie went into the psych ward at St Joe's hospital and refused to have visitors. So I did what every person that wants to leave New York state does,(go to social services) I went to the Onanandaga county DSS office and pleaded for a bus ticket back to NC. well, my case worker, Stacy Butterfield asked me why. "Didn't you just come here for this woman?" - I told everyone the real reason why I was there. Which was for Marie, and nothing else. I didn't come to New York state for any kind of opportunity or to make a life there. I came to New York for the sole reason of being with Marie Camp. So I told the Butterfield Case worker lady that it didn't work out and that Marie had left me, and that she was in the mental hospital psych ward, and she didn't want visitors. Which is the truth. When she went into that hospital and she specifically told those hospital people that she didn't want me in there to visit her, I was so fucking hurt. And the fucking asshole New York Hospital security guards , they told me , just go back to North Carolina, she doesn't want you here. Well, I was at DSS the next morning trying to get back to NC. I'll never forget what the Butterfield woman said - " We are not a travel agency " and then she gave me a voucher to get a bus ticket. And I left New York and went back to North Carolina , only to return to New York a few weeks later when Marie gets out of the hospital and in a sweet caring voice ask me- " Why did you leave?". So I returned to Syracuse , because the thought of her being alone was just too much for me to handle. And when I returned it was more of the same. Except this time she was actually at the bus station to meet me, but let's jump to me leaving Syracuse and being back in Asheville while Marie was in the psych ward.

In between time when I got back to North Carolina from Syracuse the first time. I was like a zombie. Wandering aimlessly around the streets of Asheville in a daze. "Looking for Marie with a flashlight in the daytime" that's what it was comparable too. All I could think of was her . Love sick is nothing compared to " love crippled" , yes , love can do that to a person. It has a crippling effect on them. I was so love crippled , that I had to do something. So remember the character named " Tim" , he's the one who I thought was my friend . He was another homeless guy that thinks he is the shit. He is the one named in the email that I received from Marie ([email protected]) that email that says Tim basically forced her to have sex with him. All over some fucking dope - when I went to the hospital , freezing and heartbroken in the winter 2017, when we were in our early stages of the relationship. Well Tim knew I loved Marie, when I asked him nonshalantly about Marie, he answered " oh yeah, 'Crazy Marie', I bought her a cheeseburger one time". ( This infuriated me even more, because she loves food, and that was his in- food and dope). Tim was in my sights and I wanted nothing more than to fuck him up for what he did or what she says he did in that heartbreaking email from way back in 2017.

So guess who I ran into. Yup you guessed it , fucking RAPE-O - Timothy Fitgerald Wright. That's his full government name, Google it and you will see. He really is a rapist. And this is how funny life is... Tim and I had an " association" I never let him know that I knew what he did to the love of my life. So when I ran into him, I was all buddy -buddy with him. Plotting for a way to get him back for what he did while I was in the hospital. So what better way than get him where it hurts- his money. Well this was going to be easy, Tim wanted someone to open a bank account so he could deposit like 250$ in it. "Tim, I got you" , is what I told him , we went to the bank at Walmart on Airport Rd and within 15 minutes , had a balance in a checking account that was in my name, a balance of 250$. So we had to wait for the debit card to come or something to that effect. So we grabbed a box or two of some medicine so we could go to Tim's place and actually make some real medicine, you know " go" . So we got everything needed and Tim and his girlfriend Kelly, and myself headed out the long and windy road to his place in Fairview. (Tim had gotten disability at this point, had a place to live and money) We had to wait till the next day for me to actually start the medicine making process, that night at Tim's, I even talked to Marie on the phone. She denies she sent the email. Even to this day , she swears up and down that it never happened, that she never sent it. There's all kinds of conspiracy theories about it according to Marie. The point is, I got an email from her account and this fucking rapists name was in it and what it said would tear any man's heart to pieces.

So , the next day . I'm at this fucking RAPE-O clown, Tim's place . I was cleaning out the shed and getting ready to make some shit. Well, that's when three Buncombe county sheriff's deputies startled me. They asked me if I had seen Tim. I told them no , but then at that very moment , Tim comes walking out. Needless to say, he was arrested, he was arrested for rape. You see , Tim was a rapist. He was charged with raping a different woman and robbing her ( Not Marie). He was a certified rapist, and he raped the woman I love, and had gotten away with it. Tim was arrested, and I took the money that he'd given me to open an account for him. I took it and bought a bus ticket to Syracuse NY , and two days later. I was with her. There really is such a thing as God. Because Tim got what he deserved, well not completely. And suddenly , all my worries ended, and all my love pains went away, and once again, I was the happiest man on earth. Because I was with her.

She was there, at the Greyhound station waiting for me, and I hugged her so hard as if it were the last hug given by man to another woman on earth. We walked and within five minutes , we were in some bushes in the parking lot of "Destination USA" - the mall near the Greyhound station in Syracuse. We were in those bushes making love like two people that are madly in love. Cars passing by and they probably could see us. We didn't care, because we were in love , so much in love. Love is such a beautiful thing . True love never dies, I really believe that. It never dies, but it does most certainly kill. Just like the old Ed Hardy Tattoos. " Love kills slowly"

So , this is the part when Marie gets a place and the place is like a boarding house for men. She had gotten the place on her own, with help from DSS. Her landlord would prove to be another one on the long list of men trying to fuck my chick. It's very disheartening when you have someone you love so dearly , and they think it's ok to flirt. To flirt and actually get caught in the act and still deny it. Yup, that's Marie. Deny it completely , even when you get caught red handed- Just deny it.

The place was just a raggedy old ass three or four level big house. Just old. The landlord said , " make sure that when you leave, set off a bug bomb , to kill the bed bugs" . WHAT,? BED BUGS? ARE YOU SERIOUS MARIE? So, Marie didn't really want me around. I could sense it. I was staying in the absolute worst place I had ever stayed in. The "Ox" as it was called. Was short for the " oxford " men's shelter in Syracuse. It was absolutely horrible . And just the fact that I stayed there is testament to how much I loved this woman. This place was scumbag central. And I met a guy there. This guy actually knew Marie. He claims he met her there and that she was flirting with him too. Well , I don't think she knew, but this guy was out on parole and staying at the "Ox" , he was on parole for killing someone. So , here you go Marie, great choice of friends you have.Fucking flirting with murderers, and trying to get him to buy her a phone, that's what he said. And I believe him. Because he doesn't have any reason to lie.

Anyhow, so Marie finally got a place. I was so excited, we finally get some time alone. Or did we? Marie's kind heart will get you fucked up EVERYTIME!

DeeDee was this black chick that Marie had become friends with. Deedee was homeless and looking for someone to use. Well, here comes Marie on the scene. And I was there , so, I watched the whole thing go down , we met DeeDee on the street. She was trying to get Marie to take off and leave me. And like so many other times, I begged Marie , I begged her to tell DeeDee to get the fuck gone. It's always other people that get in our relationship and fuck it up. I've been telling Marie this from the very beginning. But , she thinks it's "cool" to help people and put them before me, because that's what she does , and did with DeeDee , and many others, so , here we are stuck with Marie's new friend DeeDee. So we go back to Marie's place. Dee Dee is upstairs and Marie and I are in her downstairs bathroom. We got so high, and we fucked so good, any man that had Marie after that night could not compare to what I did to her, and the way I made her feel . I had pretty much ruined it for any man after that night. That night set the standard for having sex and having sex with Marie. At one point I had her on her head , upside down , and right side up. It was, most definitely, no doubt in my mind , the best sex humanly possible. To finish it off , we decided to go up to her room. And set up a little divider , you know a partition like , so we could continue our night of sex. That's what we liked doing, getting high and having sex, literally all night and into the next day . Sometimes , for days. Yes, I could perform like that, and Marie, well , she's a machine. This chick can fuck like no other. I guarantee it. That's another reason why we are so good together, not good , PERFECT! So with DeeDee on the other side of the room, I commenced to going down on Marie . I was eating her out for at least three hours , if not more. Time stands still when we are together. And this time it wouldn't be any different. I was and still am , a master at cunnilingus . Marie will tell you, my head game is serious. But this particular night, I was going to town , eating , sucking , licking , you name it- for at least three hours , I was. Until I started itching. Then I would stop and scratch. And scratch some more and itch some more. And then DeeDee said, are they biting you too? Well folks , it's a wrap. Fucking bed bug psychosis is real. And I had it . Those fucking bed bugs ruined it , and me . I'm scratching now. Just thinking about it. Well, the next few weeks turned from bad to worse. With Marie locking me out of her place and leaving me alone to stay in some fucking shit hole shelter in Syracuse, a place that I only went to , because she asked me to. I was so hurt , and actually ruined from that experience, I wanted to get as far away from her as possible. So I gathered up my courage, and went to the Catholic Charities , and asked for a ticket away from her and there.....

So I returned to a place that I would never in a million years go to. And she acted like I was just some dumbass . Some fucking fun dummy, which I was. And the fucking pain she caused was like no other. And I will never forget, the lady from the Catholic Charities in Syracuse , the woman who brought me to the bus station , her name was Mary Jane I remember because she told me as she helped me into the terminal. She said " you'll be back" well, she was with the church. So maybe it was God , communicating through her. But either way you look at it. She was fucking right. Because as you will see if you keep reading this story, I do come back to the state of New York, whick would make it a trifecta of stupidness. A three- dummy strikes -and your out- you big Dummy, Jpizzle!

And so, it was Thanksgiving day in 2018. I arrived in Corpus that night. I was in a place I loved , but without the only woman I loved. Actually , she is the only person I really love. I love God, but I love Marie even though she does what she does. She doesn't realize the pain she causes. God , help me. I feel like a dog that was just dropped off at an animal shelter. Not given any reason why, just abandoned. My heart is hurting me really bad right now. I think I'm going to cry, God , why does love hurt so bad?, See there it goes, that fucking good heart of mine. It's like my heart is addicted to the pain called Marie Camp. Even after all the bullshit, and her doing nothing to improve our getting back together. She is happy without me, she has her ' freedom' as she calls it. Free to help out other dudes , freedom to fuck whoever, and freedom to delete her numbers and or block me. Freedom from me, what she fails to realize , is I will leave her alone, FOREVER. Because , my days are numbered. Yes, they really are. They told me , I have stage four cancer that has metastasized to my bones, yes, all throughout my body, the cancer has spread. And is thriving on my brokenhearted soul...

Although , at times , I feel as though , she knows, I am the best man for her. And that there isn't and won't ever be, someone that loves her as much as I .

#marieclaracamp #jasonleeplaster #pizzlelovedope #Ashevillelovedope

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