#I'd lose more than I gained if I did that so like shit am I leaving

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Ya know, I was gonna add onto that post about the ask and be like "Hey in the meant time... Let me briefly explain what I use Tumblr for and how I'm currently feeling about things that have been happening for a long while now. Here's what I'm planning to do now and why I'm doing it."

But ya know what? I don't want to spend ages thinking how to explain something I have already said. Long and short is that I'm tired man. I've remembered why I was always hesitant to post artwork or talking pieces or fanfic before. Like, it was different when I was making it, the making was always for me, but when I share it here, it really fucking sucks to get silence, when a cookie cutter incorrect quote or I dunno pronouns Delilah wouldn't and didn't.

That's the shorthand of this. I'm annoyed. I'm upset. It makes you wonder if what you made didn't matter but it did. Of course it did. Notes are just a number, yeah, but I don't want to reduce myself to asking for people to talk about something with every post I give a shit about anymore. I'm tired. I'm done. No more kicked puppy in the window wondering why no one will come out and play. People don't want to play? That's fine. It's a valid choice, even if not the one I was hoping for. My fun isn't everyone else's fun and that's just life. I'm just not going to keep asking people to come out and play when know that people don't want to.

I'm doing it anyway. I'm playing a different game now. A singleplayer one, with an optional multiplayer. My game, my rules. What does this mean for the blog? Nothing. Don't worry about it. Stay tuned because this new game is better than the last one and one I've been meaning to play again for a long while now. If you notice a difference in the type of posts? Well.

Feel free to break the silence.

#(I'm upset but I'm trying to make a point. that's the intended tone I'm not going for anger or anything) #I have plans. I've made a decision. #I'm redirecting my upset back into what I was doing before #I'm gonna stick to it. it's important. #this is all I'm saying on the subject now #it's NOT just about that one recent post that's just what brought it to my full attention #I'm more aware of myself now. I'm more aware of the WORLD now. #that's what these meds have been doing to me. they've made me more aware than ever #and now I'm making steps to make it better. #in EVERYTHING!!! including here #tumblr making me sad? fix it. #I don't want to leave here but I'd be lying if I didn't think about that as a possible solution #I'd lose more than I gained if I did that so like shit am I leaving #time to start sharing things that REALLY matter again #stuff that is MORE than what I've been doing lately #I may start on this tomorrow or later tonight because I'm not in a positive enough mindset #but yeah. I'm reviving my old resolutions with new enthusiasm #because it was silent. I got nothing for it. but hoping for otherwise was different #it wasn't so people could share in the joy with me it was the opposite. #so I'm going back to that. #when I can lift my spirits today or tomorrow I'm going back to it with all the energy in the world!! #I'm gonna give it EVERYTHING because it DESERVES everything and no one else is gonna fucking do it are they? #why won't they? that's what I wanna know. #that's the real question to me. #that's enough for this post I think. if you made it this far then congrats #if you're a moot or friend you know where to find me. I'm fine just feeling really strongly about some things #gonna dive in the deep end to get this right now and I'll probs need some help if anyone's up for it #but anyway. I have stuff to do. I've said what I needed to say #time to move on and do something better. #just you wait gonna blow all your asses out of the water with this one

[manicrouge]

SIN CITY

[𝙺𝚎𝚎𝚐𝚊𝚗 𝚁𝚞𝚜𝚜 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛]

[𝙳𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝙿𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚍]: 09/02/24

[𝙰𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝]: Rorke finds the Ghost's and you fear you're never going to see Keegan again.

[𝙲𝚠]: Major character death, violence, gore, graphic injury, hurt/ comfort, reader goes THROUGH IT, idk if there's anything else.

[𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝]: 7k (exactly btw)

[𝙰/𝙽]: This has literally been in my drafts since Decemeber and I wrote way too much of it to not do anything with it so = I hope this is enough to suffice. Also, this is entirely based off of the mission 'Sin City' in call of duty ghosts, so if you haven't seen or played the game and don't want spoilers then please skip this !! (I would be surprised if you've not seen this yet you're in the Keegan tag.)

Also, if people do enjoy this I am down to write a part two so please let me know :3

ENJOY !!

There may be typos, apologies!!

Please don't post my work anywhere else without my permission !!

‘If I ever went missing, would you go and look for me?'

It was silent for a moment, and after five seconds passed, you turned to look at the man lying beside you. As you observed his features, you realised that his eyes were closed and while you doubted someone’s ability to dose off so quickly, you sure as shit didn’t doubt Keegan’s. His hand on your waist gave him away as it tightened on you, pulling you closer to him.

Opening his eyes, he peered at you with a furrowed brow. ‘The fuck kinda question is that, princess?’ He asked, ‘of course I would. Besides, need you with me,’ he said, ‘who else would I have to watch my back? Didn’t spend all that time training you for you to disappear on me, did I?’

Smug bastard.

'You're full of yourself,' you bit back.

'Good reason to be,' he said, brushing a hand through his black hair, moving his fringe away from his eyebrows, 'I'll consider being humble when I lose you, princess. But that hasn't happened and it won't be happening on my watch, not at all,' he reassured, pulling you closer to him.

You slapped his chest, letting out a heavy sigh, resting your head against his chest. In the dead of the night and the silence in your room, you listen to the thud of his beating heart while held up on a tiny bed. You were practically on top of him, legs intertwined. 

There wasn't anywhere to go, however, and he didn't seem to care about you closeness at that moment. Rather, he settled with the heat of your body much better than he would have settled in a bed with more space.

'You think this'll ever be over?' you mumbled, closing your eyes, 'I'd like to sleep in a bigger bed with you; this ones a little cramped. Maybe even watch something on a TV too.’

'You're free to take the floor if you want to, I'm not stopping you,' he grunted, pinching your waist.

'I'm gonna blow your brains out,' you sleepily mumbled, placing your hand over his. His chest twitches as he lets out a short laugh, folding his arm behind your head so he can brush his fingers through your hair. 'I mean it,' you grumbled.'

'Of course you do, princess,' he said, 'of course you do.'

—

Throughout your training as a Ghost, you gained an understanding that things will never ever be as easy as you wish they were. But, it came with the job, you suppose, whether it was spoken or not. 

Feelings as such only ever drift in when you don’t have a distraction, and the absence of Keegan after Elias sent him to Colorado Springs proved to be bruising. 

Admittedly, you had been apprehensive with Elias’ request, although, in private, you digressed as you noted that Elias is your Captain, and you were to never question your captains judgement. Even when it came to someone that you loved. So, you bit your tongue, and for the first time in what felt like a long time, you allowed yourself to relax. 

But, you have some things you needed to do before you got any sleep, or before you thought about anything else other than Rorke and the Federation. 

‘JSOC’s going to want to move fast on this, so load up before you get any shut eye,’ he advises.

You follow behind him, standing beside Logan as he walked with Hesh and Merrick by his side. Fortunately, the brunt of the experience has been dealt with, you had survived Keegan’s absence overnight, and in a matter of hours, he would be back by your side. Inwardly, you’re embarrassed at your clinginess to him, but deep down you know he enjoys it. 

‘We’ve got six hours until Keegan gets back,’ Elias says. 

Upon the mention of his name, Riley brushes his head against your leg, and you look down at the German Shepherd, rolling your eyes. Leaning down slightly, you scratch his head. ‘Shut up,’ you grumble to the pup when he looks up at you, his tongue poking out from the corner of his mouth. When you pull your hand away, he licks it, staring back at you. With a huff, you fold to his attempt of cuteness, moving your hand to the his head again. 

‘Hold up,’ Merrick says abruptly. 

An arm grabs your forearm suddenly, and you let out a startled breath, though when you look in front of you, you realise you’d almost walked right into Hesh. Exhaling, you turn your head to Logan who gives you a short nod. 

‘Somethin’ feel off to you?’ Merrick asks, turning to Elias.

The man immediately turns to his right, observing a laptop left perched on a desk. He says little for a moment, and when you turn your head away from your Captain, you acknowledge Merrick’s watchful eye as he peers down the scope of his gun, observing the sights through the broad windows located to the left of you. 

‘Security’s working,’ says the man to the right of you. 

Merrick slowly backs away, keeping his eyes trained o the window. You feel your throat tighten as you keep your eyes on the man, his paranoia working well to leave a heavy feeling in your chest. Logan lets go of your arm as he glances at his brother, a look that you don’t miss, and Merrick looks at you. You open your mouth to speak, holding the gun in your hands close to your chest, snapping your head to Riley as the dog begins to bark, glaring directly through he window that Merrick had just kept his eyes trained on. 

While he may be a dog, he is surely not an idiot- in fact, you’re quite sure that Riley is much smarter than many of the people you had encountered when you had been a simple rookie, before Elias had taken you under his wing. He could certainly kill more people, that’s for sure. 

It all seems to happen in slow motion, and the night you had spent prior seems to dissipate in one moment. There’s this hissing, you hear it from below, and before you have time to contemplate what exactly it is, a black can is thrown over the balcony, a train of green smoke pouring from out of the top of it.

‘Fuck,’ you curse, ‘get out!’ you yell, watching as another two cans containing the same foul smelling gas are tossed over  the balcony, hitting the ground with a clink.

As you begin to sprint, you find the air around you is similar to the air you breathed whenever you were spending time with Keegan on his smoke break. All oxygen left your lungs as you broke into a sprint, your eyes water, and before you know it, you falling down to the ground, gasping for air as you feel your eyes grow heavy. 

In the midst of the panic and over the thumping of your heart in your chest, you hear Elias call out, ‘Riley, hide!’ before breaking out into a fit of coughs.

You wretch, clawing at the ground in some form of futile attempt to escape, but nothing works as you watch Logan collapse right before you, spewing out violent coughs. Never have you felt so defenceless, so weak as you succumb to the gas, the world around you growing blurry before fading into complete darkness. 

—

‘What are you doing up, kid?’ Keegan asks, seeing you appear beside him.

Letting out a small yawn, your boots crunch against a few stray rocks as you approach him, taking a seat against the rock he was leaning on, looking out at the remnants of No Mans Land. Logan and Hesh had regarded it as their home, as did their father, though, you couldn’t really picture the place without the addition of a crater which grew every day, claiming the lives of old rickety buildings and unsuspecting wildlife.

It was a sorry sight to see for sure, and inwardly, you were happy you never had the misfortune of seeing your own home falling to pieces.

‘You need sleep,’ he said, taking a drag from the cigarette between his lips. 

Your eyebrows raise as you look at him, crossing your arms over yourself. ‘I thought you said you didn’t smoke,’ you say, 'you're a liar.'

You didn’t miss the way he rolled his eyes at your comment, and when he pulls it from his lips, exhaling a cloud of grey smoke, he chuckles. ‘Thought I told you not to hang onto every little thing I tell you, princess,’ he stated, ‘seems like we’re both guilty of doing something we’re not supposed to, hm?’

Placing the cigarette between his lips again, he turns his attention to you, noting that you’d crinkled your nose as the smoke he’d exhaled blew back into your face. ‘You can handle the fuckin’ dust in the battlefield, but the moment you smell a cigarette you fold?’ he mocks, laughing.

Your brow furrows at his comment and you fought of the urge to rip the cigarette out of his mouth. Instead, you allowed him to have his silly little cancer stick knowing that, if you did so something so cruel, he was sure to be upset at you, no matter how close the pair of you were. Cigarettes were difficult to come by and you liked him enough to let him have one in peace. 

—

When the world fades in, you’re moving.

You don’t know how, and for a short second, you’re convinced you’ve died. But, when you take a sharp breath and feel your lungs burning, you’re crudely brought back to life. When you look ahead of you, you witness two soldiers trailing behind you. Keeping your head bowed, you wince at the dizziness wrecking your tired mind, attempting to hold your breath in fear of the due ache in your lungs.

Swallowing, your mouth is dry and you feel the urge to vomit as your head keeps swaying from side to side. Your limbs feel like jelly, fluid. You can hear them talking, although, everything seems miles away from you, and you feel your eyes water as the tightness in your chest grows. If they know you’re here, do they know where Keegan is? The thought sends a chill down your spine, and in your delirious state, you declare that you will kill anyone who even dared to touch even a hair on his head. Even if it meant your death too. 

‘That all you got you piece of shit?!’

It’s Merrick, you recognise his tone from anywhere, it nearly shatters your delirious state entirely, though, the grip on the back of your collar tightens as your pulled away from him.

There’s more shouting and a loud smack, Merrick, you imagine, is on the receiving end of such a hit. A Ghost in true fashion, that’s for sure. As you attempt to lift your head again, you find the world growing dark once more, and, while you feel as though you should fight against it just as you had seen him do, you allow yourself to fall back into the abyss as you feel your lung burning and throat swelling. 

—

There’s a screeching when you come back around, a vile ringing in your ears. ‘Well, I guess if you want something done right, do it yourself.’ 

Your blood runs cold.

As you slowly begins to lift your head, a hand grabs your face, forcing your head up. The light protruding from the window to the left of you is nearly bruising, and when the hand holding your face successfully tilts your head up, your eyes meet with Rorkes. He looks down at you with a wrinkled smirk, his hold tightening on your hair, yanking it harder. You wince at the pressure as he keeps his eyes on you.

‘You’re finally awake,’ he acknowledges, pushing your head down, letting go of your hair. ‘Good.’

He walks away from you, and as you look around, you note that Hesh is sitting directly across from you, Logan is to the right of you, and Elias is to your left.

As you continue to look around, your face pales at the disappearance of Merrick, and while you sit, you recall the faint memory in your banging head of the man being surrounded by Federation soldiers.

He’s smart, you think, you could leave that bastard in a forest with a knife and he’d have his own fuckin’ city in a month. He’s fine. 

‘Nice to have the family back together, isn’t it?’ Rorke asks, looking to Elias. The man shows no fear, looking the devil right in the eyes with a stoic expression on his face. ‘One thing, though,’ he says, ‘we’re just missin’ our quiet friend, aren’t we?’ he says.

Your heart calms at such a statement.

He doesn’t have him, he’s fine, he’s safe.

You expect him to keep his eyes trained on Elias, counting on the fact that he is the Captain, but, he turns his head over his shoulder and looks at you. Heaving a heavy sigh, he turns his back to Elias, placing his hands down on his knees, ‘where’s Keegan?’

Looking him in the eyes, you spite your dry throat as the muscles in your neck contort and you muster up a mouthful of phlegm. He keeps his eyes trained on you, and you lung forward, a spray of mucus and saliva coating his face. ‘Fuck you,’ you heave, ‘I’m not telling you a fuckin’ thing,’ you sharply state.

He looks at you with wide eyes, standing up and wiping his face with the palm of his hand. 

‘Damn bitch has got some fight in her, doesn't she?’ he laughs, turning to Elias, ‘not your daughter by blood, but by attitude… fuck me, Elias, you’ve got yourself a mini me!’ he exclaims. You bite your lip, taking a deep breath as you look at your Captain with bleary eyes. Grabbing the back of the man’s chair, he pulls it to him. Elias’ gaze doesn’t leave his. ‘Where is he?’ he slowly questions. 

There’s a moment of silence.

‘You know I’m not telling you a damn thing,’ he spits, baring his teeth in his direction.

Never have you seen the man so agitated, his bruised face flushed red, his split lip oozing with blood, a thin line of it trailing down his chin. He looks like a savage beast as the sunlight behind him renders his features darker than typical, and the curve of his lips when he addresses Rorke even sends a shiver up your spine.

Of course, a Ghost was loyal to his own until death, and even then, they were buried down to watch over them. Once a Ghost, always a Ghost. Elias proved his worth much more than Rorke ever could, and while you wondered what exactly they had done to break the man who Elias had described as ‘one hell of a Ghost,’ but one thing was for certain. A man who broke was not a Ghost. Never was, and never would be.

’Go fuck yourself,’ Elias hisses.

Rorke laughs, nodding his head, letting go of the back of his chair. It lands with a clatter, and you watch as the man continues to nod to himself.

‘Dangerous fuckin’ game you’re playing,’ he states, and you watch as his right hand moves from the front of him, trailing around to the side where his pistol sat in his holster.

He’s gonna shoot Elias. Your eyes grow wide as you watch the man retrieve his weapon. Your muscles tensing as he holds it out in front of him. It’s aimed right at his chest, overing above his heart. ‘Well, let's see if I can change your mind,’ he exhales. 

BANG.

In a moment, his hand whips around, and when the trigger is pulled, all the air in your lungs exudes like puss from a pimple.

The shot causes your ears to ring. It’s loud, and everything is fuzzy. For a moment, you look up in search of the wound, hoping that the bullet had not went through your Captains skull. Only, when you look in his direction, you see the smoking pistol pointed directly at you. Your eyes grow wide, and you let out a short breath.

You heard the gun go off, the bullet had to be somewhere. And then, you felt a wetness pooling against your thighs. Everything seemed to move slowly when you raised your head up, looking across to Hesh with wide eyes. 

I’m going to die, I’m going to die and Keegan isn’t here with me.

As you manage to get a short breath in, agony hits you like a truck and you lean over without a second thought.

I’m going to die.

All you training, everything, how to stop the bleeding, none of it matters; you’re truly at the disposal of the enemy and there’s nothing you can do. Not even you Captain can do anything. 

‘NO!’ Elias screams, dragging you back into the moment. 

Between the thudding beats of your heart, you hear Hesh screaming out bloody murder, thrashing against the ropes that keep him tied to the chair, ‘Son of a bitch!’ he screams, looking directly at Rorke, ‘I’m going to kill you! You hear me? I’m going to fucking kill you!'

A shaky breath leaves you as your eyes well with tears, and when you look down, you gulp hard at the sight of a wound oozing blood. Your throat tightens as you feel your entire body grow hot.

‘Easy junior,’ Rorke warns with a disapproving tone. You keep your head bowed as his shadow looms over you, ‘I ain’t even started with you yet,’ he chuckles.

Keegan, where’s Keegan- I’m going to die.

Your eyes sting as your trembling hands press against the rope, pulling against them. You need to get out of there otherwise you are going to die. 

Elias calls your name, you hear it, he shouts it, yet, it seems so quiet.

'Look at me!’ he demands, and while everything in you is telling you to keep your eyes trained on the wound, you force your head up, sniffing hard as you look your Captain in the eyes. At the very least, even if Keegan isn’t there with you, you have him.

Elias, you captain, your military father. There have been plenty of jokes made during particularly bleak moments in missions where Hesh and Logan have likened you to their sister. It's an honour, truly, to know that they were your brothers no matter relation, and Elias entertained the idea that you were the daughter he had never had. 

Rorke appears behind him and it’s then that you don’t realise how many seconds are passing. Every single second feels like an hour, and you’re more than aware that every second passing is yet another drop of wasted blood. You’re running on borrowed fucking time, and there’s Rorke, the big fucking man he is, parading around in front of you like he’s a jester. ‘That’s right,’ he chuckles, placing his hand on Elias shoulder, ‘that’s it,’ he sighs, ‘show him how much pain he’s causing you right now.’

‘Keegan will kill you,’ you rasp out, stifling a short whimper as you clench your teeth. ‘And if he doesn’t, then I will.’

You’re more than aware of the situation your in and your pessimism seems to waver with your consciousness as a sudden boost of adrenaline fills you with defiance. If you’re going to die, you might as well run your tongue; the worst thing that can happen in this moment is him simply putting you out of your misery. 

Rorke laughs at your threats, ‘you see,’ he begins, ‘funny think about your old Captain here,’ he stops himself for a moment, shoving Elias as he resumes his position, looking you in the eyes, ‘He lets his men die to save his own ass,’ he states, turning his attention away from you, turning his attention back to the Captain.

Exhaling shakily, you look over to Hesh and Logan who return a look equally as frightened. Never have you seen the pair of them appear so apprehensive, although, you definitely don’t miss the look of anger. No, even though the look isn’t intended for you, you feel a chill run up your spine. 

‘Dammit, Rorke,’ Elias yells, ‘this is between you and me!’

The world seems like its on a merry-go-round, twisting and turning leaving a delightful fuzziness in your head. Adrenaline is pupping through you, and you’re thankful for the emotion, for, if you didn’t have it, you very well would have been out like a light. Your hands continue to pull against the ties of your rope, and while your wrists are burning from the constant pulling and tugging, you breath a short sigh of relief when you feel them loosening. Whoever tied it clearly weren’t trained in the art of kidnapping. 

‘Leave my kids out of it!’ Elias demands.

You feel your heart warm at his sentiment, giving you all the more fight to get out of these damn binds. Works gun is right next to him, you can get it, you can reach for it, and you can blow that fuckers brains out. 

‘You’re talking to a superior Lieutenant,’ Rorke says, pacing back and forward, before finding his way right back to Elias. Looking down at the man, he calmly speaks, ‘show some discipline.’

You feel your face grow warm listening to their exchange. 

‘You were never one of us, you’re not a Ghost,’ Elias cruelly says, turning his face away from Rorke, looking down to the ground. Rorke hums, turning his attention back towards you.

The ties are growing looser, they’re getting there, you can almost get your hand out of them, yet, you maintain poker face as you look up at Rorke. 

‘Well,’ Rorke breathes, ‘that’s just cause I’m better than you!’ he exclaims, keeping his eyes trained on you. You watch as they narrow, it’s a subtle one, one that you had noted during parring matches with rookies.

As Keegan had taught you, when soldiers get lazy, they give themselves away and it’s always in the eyes.

Your eyes dart to his hands, seeing him clench his fists as he snaps his body around, driving his fist into Elias’ face. The man falls to the side with a grunt as Rorke takes a short breath before raising his other fist, ‘I’ve always been better than you!’ he seethes, punching that man again. Elias tilts his head back against the chair, and you watch as both Logan and Hesh begin to fight much harder against their restraints. Either way, someone was getting out and Rorke was going to pay. ‘But you… you call yourself a Ghost?!’ he barks, hating Elias again. 

As he looks down on Elias, you pull a hand free from the ties. Keeping your eyes trained on Rorke, you look down at his gun, gritting your teeth. ‘You’re nothing! You and your kids, you’re dead!’ he declares.

Wrong move.

With his proud declaration, you push yourself up from out of the chair, snatching his pistol from out of the holster on his thigh. Such, unfortunately, doesn’t go unnoticed by Rorke as he whips around, grabbing your arms, forcing the pistol up. You place your hands against his, using all the strength you can muster to pull the gun away from him. 

Nothing moves him, however. 

But he’s a monster, he likes to play with his food.

He’s not using all his strength, he’s taking it easy on you, and you’re still losing. As he does so, he laughs in your ear. ‘Oh,’ he gasps, ‘she’s still got a little life in her,’ he laughs aloud, positioning the gun so your pointing it directly at Elias. ‘Didn’t he ever tell you not to aim guns at people?’ You grunt, driving your foot against his boot, feeling his grip falter for a moment. You attempt to move the gun upwards, your finger pressed against the trigger. Everything burns. Everything hurts. But you’re not going to stop, you’re going to kill this bastard even if it kills you. 

Unfortunately he’s a scummy man, and as punishment for you stomping on his foot, he drives an elbow into your stomach, winding you.

Your hold falters- you almost fall to the floor- but he keeps you up on your feet, and through gritted teeth declares, ‘they could go off!’ His finger jams against your pressed against the trigger, a loud shot ringing in your ears. You watch a Elias throws his head to the side as a bullet drives through his chest. You fight against him harder, shaking your head. ‘That’s is!’ He grunts, ‘just a little more that way,’ he instructs you, forcing your hand further to the right. You actively pull away as the both of you fight against each other. Tears are running down your faces at that moment, every pull and tug driving the bullet in your stomach further and further. 

‘Dammit, Rorke, STOP!’ Hesh begs. 

 ‘Point it… at…’ another shot is fired, and Elias takes it with a grunt, 'your Captain.’

As though taking candy from a baby, he lets go of your hands, plucking it out of your sweaty grasp. Gunpowder invades your nostrils as he lets you go. Rookie mistake, you hear it in your head, but it isn't your voice. It's Keegan's.

You wobble on your feet, staggering backwards as your get your bearings. What you need to do is untie Logan who is right behind you, and then when he's distracted you can get to Hesh. Yet, as you step back and begin to move towards Logan, Rorke whips around to face you again driving the butt of the pistol into your face. It hits you with a crude thwack, a stoke of colour meeting your gaze as you fail to catch yourself, tumbling to the ground.

Logan screams out as you fall to the ground, and you tense as you brace for impact. You land with a thud, a broken cry escaping your lips when you feel the bullet lodge in your stomach dig further in.

The pain leaves you gasping an you clench your teeth as the room spins. Nausea spread through you as you lay there attempting to collect yourself, gulping back the urge to vomit.  Resting your palm against the ground, you begin to attempt to pick yourself up. If you can just make it to Logan, you can make everything right.

Keeping your eyes trained on Elias, you watch as Rorke circles him as a shark did its pray. Both Hesh and Logan are calling you for you, the rattle of their chair thumping causing your ears to ring. Licking your dry lips, you tense when Rorke turns back to you, pointing the pistol in his hand directly at your head.

‘You got fire in you, kid,’ he breathlessly confesses, ‘I like that… risking your life to protect your Captain,’ he chuckles, leaning into Elias, pressing his finger against his chest. ‘You could learn something from her, Elias.’

‘She’s my daughter,’ he croaks. 

‘Yeah,’ Rorke nods, glancing at you, ‘and she’s gonna get to watch you die. Her and your boys.'

Shot after shot is fired, every bang against you to witness as you grab your stomach, pressing down against the wound to keep yourself from losing more blood than necessary. You’re far too dazed to get up and fight against the man who saw the very life of your Captain as some sort of joke. So, you watch, helpless, as Rorke empties a clip into Elias.

‘No! No! Dad!’ Hesh cries. His face is red as he frashes against the ties keeping him from his father, the very sight making your headache. His tone is piercing as he carelessly spits out curses at the man before him. ‘I’ll kill you, you hear me?’ he screams, ‘I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch! I’m going to kill you! Motherfucker!’ 

The worlds a little blurry. 

Your eyelids grow heavy, and when you force the open upon hearing a thud right in front of you, you’re surprised to see Elias’ face meters away from yours. You fight against the urge to drift off. You’re not going to die, you’re getting out of this and you’re seeing Keegan again- you can't die.

‘You did well,’ Elias breathes, looking at you. Your blood runs cold at the sight of blood seeping onto the ground, ‘I’m proud of you, you and my boys,’ he utters, wheezing for a single breath of air. His lips are blue as he stares at you, your eyes welling with tears as you're forced to watch as the man struggles for his last breaths.

Rorke’s boot is planted firmly on top of his head, and you catch your Captain glancing up at the man.

For the very first time, you see fear in his eyes. It's a dastardly look, mixing with the loss of blood in an unappealing manner as his face grows sickeningly pale. Something tells you that Elias Walker is scared of dying.

No Ghost is to be scared of death, that's not who we are.

But, we're scared of losing each other.

Elias Walker is scared of losing his family, of leaving them behind.

Rorke sighs, pushing his boot further down, leaning down to press the muzzle of the pistol against his forehead.

Keegan, please.

‘Oh… you are right, Elias,’ breathes the man, ‘I’m not a Ghost,’ he grins. There's a pause in his words, and you find yourself searching for some form of sickly hope that just in the nick of time, there will be a bullet in Rorke's head rather than Elias'.

Rorke remains tall and as he licks his thin lips and eyes Elias, you find a dismal pit in your stomach that you know you're never going to recover from.

‘I’m the man that hunts them, and sends them back to the other side.’ 

With that, he pulls the trigger. 

You scrunch your eyes shut as you hear the rattle of the man's chest, a wet pray covering your face. Your lips form into a thin line as you choke out a broken sob, and when you bring your lips together again, the metallic taste of your Captains blood. Behind you, you can hear both Logan and Hesh sobbing, the anger the pair of the showed silently dissipated into grief.

The rustle of fabric in front of you unnerves you, and you attempt to turn away from Elias' corpse, letting out a startled breath when a shadow looms over you and you're grabbed.

'Leave her alone,' begs Logan, 'you got what you wanted. Leave her be... please.'

Rorke holds you in his arms like a child would a doll, and to your surprise, he guides you back into the chair you had jumped out from, forcing you back into it.

Standing back from the three of you, he rubs his mouth with his hand, his lips curling into a small grin as he hums to himself. 'Some talent is between you kids,' he says, 'real shame you're fighting the wrong side of this war, really, it is.'

—

Much to your pleasure, you find Merrick alive.

Despite your doubts prior, you knew well the man was capable of surviving. After the execution of Elias, Rorke left you with his soldiers and you, Hesh, Logan and Merrick were all forced onto your knees, kneeling on the balcony where the attack had first initially ensued. You’re unsure as to how much time had passed, but you were sure the wound was not getting any better as every time you shifted, you fell light headed. 

The soldiers that had been observing you receive something on the radio, although, your entire body is hot and your ears are ringing, the memory of Elias’ face stuck in your head as you were forced to witness his death close and personal. You’re quite sure there is residue on of the crime on your face, so, you keep your head bowed, out of the way of both Logan and Hesh who look completely broken. 

‘You alright?’ Logan whispers.

You’re shaking, but you nod your head. 

‘Just Peachy, L, don’t worry about it,’ you utter, keeping your head down. 

A shadow is cast over you and you catch sight of the boots of three soldiers.

‘The boss wants the girl alive,’ says one of them, causing you to snap your head upwards, looking at the three of them.

The one in the middle is pointing at you, marking you out of the crowd while the other two simply observe. 

You feel dirty. 

The man beside him nods his head, grabbing his pistol from his holster, aiming it at Hesh, while the other one approaches Logan, repeating the process.

It’s terribly calculated, killing both of the brothers, clearing the world of Elias once and for all at the same time. You keep your eyes trained on Hesh, eyes occasionally drifting to the window as you sit and wait. Planting the pistol firmly against Hesh’s head, you hear Logan grunt beside you. Hesh moves to the side, his forearms tensing, preparing for the shot. At the very last, they’re showing them mercy. They could have slit their throats, left them to drown in their own blood, yet, they’re making it easy.

One shot to the head. 

Then you see him. 

A small flicker of light in the distance. 

The light at the end of the tunnel.

The glass shatters, the man holding the gun to Hesh’s head stumbling down onto his knees, his hand firmly planted against his chest. It all happens so fast, the man beside him stands dazed, looking at his colleague. Another shot is fired, going right through the mans skull. A spray of brain, blood and skull covers you as the man fulls forward.

‘HESH, LOGAN! NOW!’ Merrick demands, the pair of them jumping to their feet. 

Logan shoves the guard to the ground, pulling him away from you while Hesh and Merrick rush two of two of the soldiers by the balcony. The awestruck soldier is left to you and you watch as he rushes forward, pulling the gun from the corpse of the dead soldier. Fortunately, Hesh manages to grab the rifle from off of the solider standing on the balcony, elbowing him in the stomach. Rushing up to you, he hits the back of the mans guns with the butt of the rifle, causing the man to fall to his knees. You watch with wide eyes as the solider attempts to rush up to him while Hesh fights with the other one. 

Another shot is fired. 

The soldier behind Hesh falls to the ground. 

‘I got you! Go!’ Merrick yells as more shots are fired.

The rest of the soldiers standing behind are dropped. To the right of you, you hear a gunshot as you stand up, watching Logan push himself up from off of the ground, the blood of a Federation soldier soaking into his t-shirt as he steps over the corpse. Grabbing the pistol discarded on the ground, Logan quickly fires a shot through the head of the solider Hesh is fighting with. A bullet whizzes past you, and without a second thought, you snap around, firing two shots directly into a soldier to the right of you. There are more shots from the right of you, and when the final body drops, you exhale. 

‘You okay, Merrick?’ Logan asks as Merrick unties the ropes around his wrists. ‘Rib’s broken, but I can move,’ he reassures, rushing up to Hesh. 

Logan pulls himself free, immediately approaching you, ripping off the edge of his t-shirt. You watched with a furrowed brow as he eyes you. 

‘Need to keep you from bleeding all over the place,’ he states, ‘c’mere,’ he instructs. You step forwards and he hands you the scrap from his t-shirt. Pressing it against the wound, you groan as he wraps the rope around you waist, trying it tightly around your waist. ‘Keegan’ll kill us if you lose a drop more blood… lost enough today too,’ he says, tying it tightly. ‘You still good to fight?’ 

‘Always,’ you say.

Holding his hand out, the pair of you bump fists and for the first time since this morning, you feel the dread swirling in your blood slowly coming to a stop. 

‘We got to get going,’ Merrick sharply states, marching ahead of the free of you. Hesh follows after him. ‘Keegan, we’re up and moving, get here as soon as you can,’ he instructs.

You look at his back in surprise, your own hand falling to your ear piece realising thatchy hadn’t taken them off of you.

‘Check… I’ll meet you in the kitchen,’ confirms the voice you have missed so terribly.

You clear your throat, wincing as you proceed forward, following after Merrick. Part of you wants him to say something to you, to tell you that everything is going to be okay, but you understand that doing such would absolutely be irresponsible, so, you busy yourself listening to Merrick. 

‘We need to make it to the west side of the building,’ he states, ‘it’s the best chance of getting out of here.’ You nod silently, taking a moment to take a breath. Everything was going to be fine, and in the end of this, you were going to have Rorke’s head in your hands. ‘You still good to fight, Eclipse?’ 

‘Always,’ you give a short nod, ‘bleedings calmed,’ you confirm, despite the burning causing you legs to wobble slightly. In due time it will be over, all of this ill be a distant memory. Just push on a little longer, that’s all you have to do. 

‘Shh.. noise behind the door,’ Hesh warns as he approaches it, ‘lets make this quick.’

—

As you push through the room, you exhale when a voice calls, 'I'm almost there,' Keegan confirms as your brow furrows, a particularly step sending a shot of pain through your stomach up your back.

You clamp your mouth shut as you whimper, your dry mouth longing for a drop of water. Eventually, this will be over, you just had to stick to it. He's almost here, you just have to keep pushing on. That's the only thing you can do.

Just keep fighting.

'You better find a place to hide, though, lotta guys headed right to you,' he warns.

You want to complain upon hearing such, why can it never just be easy? Everything has to be difficult, no matter what you're doing, you can never just catch a break.

‘Key,’ you exhale seeing the man standing before you.

His hardened haze softens upon catching sight of you, and you waste no time rushing up to him, throwing your arms around him. While unprofessional, you feel no shame in confessing that you were going to die without him, and if anything, you were deserving of this moment. The hug you share is brief as he grabs your forearms checking you over.

He stops when he sees your stomach. 

Merrick curses and falls to the ground, ‘shit,’ he hisses, attempting to push himself up off of the ground. As you look back to Keegan, the pair of you turn your attention towards the doors behind you, hearing voices edging closer and closer.

Grabbing you, he looks to Hesh and Logan, ‘get him up,’ he demands, gently guiding you into the room behind you. ‘We gotta hide, not gonna be able to take them,’ he states, pulling you to the side. ‘What the fuck happened?’ he whispers as Logan and Hesh quickly help Merrick inside the room.

You feel his hand against your stomach, wincing as he looks at you. The pressure on your stomach falters as he pulls his hand away, observing a wet patch in his gloves.  

‘Got shot talking back to Rorke,’ you confess, and while you’re sure it’s something you certainly should not be proud of, you speak with a glowing tone as you look at him. Besides, he trained you all those years ago, why should you be ashamed?

'Logan thought fast, used the rope he tied us up with to try and stop the bleeding,’ you mumble. His gaze hardens as he looks at you, and you swear you can see his Adams apple bobbing beneath his mask. Gently he pushes you behind him, helping you to the ground. Looking over his shoulder, he reaches his hand behind him, squeezing your knee. 

It’s so quiet, yet you feel as though your heart is going to burst. 

You place your bloody, shaking hand over his and offer him a wavering smile. He takes it in for a moment before snapping back into action. His hand is pulled from your knee and you’re left alone. 

'Turn that radio down,' Merrick hisses as Hesh helps him down

He hums as the doors burst open. Pushing you behind him, you all sit and watch as shadows pass you by.

And then the world begins to still. You're unable to describe just what it is you're feeling, although, despite the weight and severity of everything happening around you, you feel light as a feather. Your clothes are soaked at this point and in spite of your efforts, you find your breathing slowing as you lean against the wall.

Clumsily, you reach your had out to latch onto the floor as you feel an overwhelming drowsiness hit you. You've put in all the work and effort you can muster, yet, you've tried from it and as you wade through the mush of panicked voices and the thudding of your heartbeat in your ears, you succumb to your body's desperation and fully close your eyes, wading into the quiet of the stream.

#cod #call of duty #cod ghosts #cod keegan #keegan p russ #keegan russ x reader #keegan p russ x reader #keegan russ x you #cod x reader #ghosts #call of duty ghosts #call of duty x reader #cod x you #call of duty x you #cod ghosts x reader

[f1-ferraero]

Your analysis is very informative and interesting!!!

I too am looking forward to seeing what the imola upgrades bring.

Correct me if I'm wrong but did ferrari not say they were going to upgrade the floor in miami? Did I hear wrong or plans changed or smth?

Also dis the track temperature in miami have a great impact on ferrari tyre performance? And will imola being colder bring issues like china?

I hope I don't come across as irritating i just really appreciate your takes😅

Hi anon! You're definitely not irritating! I love receiving asks and being able to discuss/rant about all kinds of f1 related stuff. You're very welcome here! And I'm sorry that my answer took a while :)

Floor in Miami:

Yes. After the team's struggles in China they made the decision to bring the floor early, hoping that it might solve their issues with tyre warming. However, a sprint weekend isn't ideal for bringing upgrades and the tyre data from the sim made Ferrari confident enough to revert to the original Imola plan.

Track temperature and tyre performance:

The reported issue in China was that the Ferrari drivers spent about 20 laps (of a 35/39 lap stint) trying to get heat into their hard tyres (track temperatures slightly below 30°c), but when they finally got them into the right window temperature wise they were worn down/past their peak and gave no real performance gains. The mediums were better, but not great.

It's necessary here to make the difference clear between tyre degradation and tyre wear. Degradation is caused by the rubber gradually losing its grippy properties as the polymers break down or deform after continuous heat cycles, which makes them slower as they have less grip. Tyre wear can be better explained as damage or deterioration of the tyre itself. The wear is usually visible through graining or blistering. Degradation can often lead to tyre wear, as sliding and wheel spin caused by low grip will cause more deterioration.

Shanghai is generally a track that is quite harsh on the tyres: asphalt abrasion is very high (a high level of abrasion tends to lead to higher tyre wear), as is the overall tyre stress, the braking and the lateral forces caused by the track layout. As a mouldy cherry on top, asphalt grip is very low, and even lower than usual because of the low temperatures.

This means tyres get worn down quite quickly, especially if they are cold like Ferrari's were. Most teams were therefore on a 2-3 stop strategy, with the only exception being Ferrari and Norris on a 1 stop

Track characteristics of Shanghai:

Miami however is much kinder on the tyres: asphalt abrasion is low, and stress, braking, lateral and grip are all at a medium level. With the high temperatures (track temperatures of 40-45°c) Ferrari had little problem getting the tyres into the right window. Miami was a 1 stop for almost everyone. So to answer part of your question, yes. Compared to China the temperatures and track characteristics of Miami did have a big positive impact on Ferrari's tyre performance (most obvious in qualifying), but at the same time none of the other teams were disadvantaged by it so Ferrari didn't gain anything beyond fixing their own issues.

Track characteristics of Miami:

Imola is predicted to be colder than Miami but warmer than Shanghai at around 20-25°c air temperature, so I'd estimate the track temperatures to be somewhere around 30-35°c (but don't quote me on this lol). Even with the current version of the sf-24 this wouldn't be a repeat of China. While asphalt grip is the same, the asphalt abrasion, lateral forces, traction and tyre stress are all lower than Shanghai which will cause less tyre wear. The downforce of Imola is also a bit higher, which helps put more temperature into the tyres. The point I'm trying to make is that yes, temperature definitely matters, but what made China such a shit show was an unfortunate combination of temperature, track characteristics and bad setup choices by Ferrari. This is unlikely to happen in Imola.

But most importantly, Ferrari will be introducing their first upgrade package next race. Of course, this package isn't centered around the tyre heating issues as these were discovered while the development was already underway, but they've had many weeks now to either tweak it or to include upgrades that will target this issue. Regardless, the floor will most likely at the very least improve it, so I wouldn't be too worried about the temperatures at Imola! Hope this answers your question!

Track characteristics of Imola:

#f1 #f1 2024 #scuderia ferrari #thoughts and analysis #ask #miami gp 2024 #chinese gp 2024 #imola gp 2024

[fritextramole]

smacked in the face with a silver spoon

part 3 of a Jenny Humphrey playlist - best heard in order

tracklist and quotes under the cut

The Outsider ~ MARINA

I look myself in the face And whisper "I'm in the wrong place" Is there more to lose than gain If I go on my own again?

Meet Me in the Woods ~ Lord Huron

Say goodbye to who I was I ain't never been away so long Don't look back, them days are gone Follow me into the endless night

Handle With Care ~ The Traveling Wilburys

I've been uptight and it made a mess But I'll clean it up myself, I guess Oh, the sweet smell of success Handle me with care

I Was Neon ~ Julia Jacklin

I quite like the person that I am Am I gonna lose myself again?

Still Sane ~ Lorde

Only bad people live to see Their likeness set in stone What does that make me?

Devil Inside Me ~ Matt Berry

But I'd blow your mind, when I'm up high, to fall back down again Up high, to fall back down again Swing low, and look straight at me That's all I need now the Devil's inside me

t r a n s p a r e n t s o u l ~ WILLOW, Travis Barker

I don't fucking know if it's paradise or it's a trap Yeah, they're treating me like royalty, but is it kissin' ass?

And So It Went ~ The Pretty Reckless, Tom Morello

With all these eyes upon us, but no one seems to see That you and me are just the same as God meant it to be But you're much too close to me

Bad Man's World ~ Jenny Lewis

I will never forgive you For what you put us kids through Remember that night You tried to take your own life? When I found you You were a shade of blue And success is a state of mind With a little bit of follow through And then you failed at that too

Sinister Kid ~ The Black Keys

I got a tortured mind, and my blade is sharp A bad combination in the dark

Rip It Up ~ Jet

And if you ever break down, I’ll cut you up again On the bedroom wall, the stars look bright But they don’t belong in the city of light

Worldwide Torture ~ Jazmin Bean

I never come second place Always been a big disgrace Smell the fear‚ I know you see High achiever (Yeah, that's me)

Going to Hell ~ The Pretty Reckless

Father did you miss me? Don’t ask me where I’ve been You know I know, yes I’ve been told I redefine a sin

In Undertow ~ Alvvays

What's next for you and me? I'll take suggestions we toss and turn in undertow

Chaise Longue ~ Wet Lag

Hey, you, over there On the chaise longue, in your underwear What are you doing sitting down? You should be horizontal now

Starring Role ~ MARINA

Sometimes I ignore you, so I feel in control 'Cause really, I adore you and I can't leave you alone Fed up with the fantasies that cover what is wrong

R U Mine? ~ The Arctic Monkeys

And I go crazy 'cause here isn't where I wanna be And satisfaction feels like a distant memory

bellyache ~ Billie Eilish

Everything I do The way I wear my noose Like a necklace I wanna make 'em scared Like I could be anywhere Like I'm reckless

Bullet With Butterfly Wings ~ The Smashing Pumpkins

Now I'm naked Nothing but an animal But can you fake it For just one more show? And what do you want? I wanna change

You ~ Radiohead

I can see me drowning Caught in the fire You, me and everything Caught in the fire

RAGE ~ Samantha Margret

Rage is a funny place Full of loose hand grenades Where every hand is spades Violence in the open space Clear and bright as day So you can't hide away

Man in the Box ~ Alice in Chains

I'm the man in the box Buried in my shit Won't you come and save me?

Nobody Asked Me (If I Was Okay) ~ Sky Ferreira

Shaking your head while I try to explain You say you don't wanna hear me complain Just tryna get my point across You don't seem to care if I'm feeling lost

The Love Club ~ Lorde

I joined the club and it's all on There are fights for being my best friend And the girls get their claws out There's somethin' about hanging out with the wicked kids Take the pill, make it too real The other day I forgot my old address I'm sittin' pretty on the throne There's nothing more I want, except to be alone

Are You Hurting The One You Love? ~ Florence + The Machine

Are you hurting the one you love? You'd like to stay in heaven but the rules are too tough

#gg #ggplaylists #jenny humphrey #gossip girl #source: senamarais

[valrvn]

Been thinking about kink and my body all week and have to get this down into words for my own sanity.

So like... I have a pregnancy kink and a weight gain kink. Getting the pregnancy stuff out of the way now, I'm not stupid enough to get pregnant just for the experience of getting pregnant, and the question of whether or not I want to be a parent some day is something that I've been going back and forth over for pretty much my entire adult life. If I do, it's not something that's going to happen anytime soon.

But like, weight gain is something that I am considering. Not a lot, mind you. I don't really have a goal weight, I don't even know how much I weigh now (somewhere around 170 or 180lbs? I think), but I do know how I'd like to look. I'm in this awkward spot right now where I'm not really thin, but I'm not chubby either. I think I look fatter than I actually am because I've always had a slight double chin, even when I was actually 100% skinny, so it feels like I'm already perceived as heavier than I am and I don't even get to enjoy having a belly. I do honestly think I'd look good fatter, and I think it'd help my dysphoria if I wasn't so small. I'm also asexual, so losing out on potential sexual partners because I'm heavier isn't really something I care about. And again, it's not like I want to get huge, depending on where you draw the line between chubby and fat, I don't even want to be fat. So basically, I do want to gain weight-

but

I have very little self control when it comes to food, which means several things. Firstly, it means that if I do gain weight and then decide I want to lose it, that will be hard. That's the most obvious issue, but just as important is the problem of changing my eating habits enough to gain weight. I don't eat healthy, at all, between the lack of self control and the ADHD induced sugar cravings, I eat pretty terribly, and it has led to some weight gain, but very slowly. And that's another problem, if I did get to a size I like, I'd probably end up surpassing it anyway, and I don't want that either.

**okay, as I'm typing this out, I'm realizing that what I should really do is learn to control my eating habits better. Like regardless of what I end up doing, it'd probably be a good skill no matter what. It won't happen in the next two years, because I have another two years of being a broke student, but I should really get on top of that shit when I'm out of school and have a. money, and b. time. Disregard the previous paragraph. I WILL learn to manage this. I will make myself manage this, no matter what I decide.**

I'm also really curious about trying to get a more temporary belly through bloat and stuffing, like, the prospect really does turn me on, but I'm an absolute baby about tummy aches. If I overeat even slightly, I will start acting pathetic (which may also be an obstacle for gaining weight). So idk if I can handle that sort of thing. Might try it once and go from there, but if anyone has any tips, I'm all ears.

Like, it's my body and I don't think I'm putting myself in harm's way by gaining a little extra fat, I also think the stress of grad school is the perfect cover to get fatter.

So yeah, I think I've actually talked myself into this, though there's still plenty of time for me to second guess my way out of it before this August when I'll have the privacy and opportunity to start.

#personal

[turtle-toe]

My experience with and opinion on fat acceptance

I am currently 16 years old and 5'6, 169 pounds. I need to tell my story.

I've been fat or chubbier my entire life due to poor eating habits taught to me early on. "Oh, you want thirds on that giant plate of yours? Sure, go right ahead." But I never really noticed until about 5th grade and really got self conscious in 6th grade. But, I was healthy. I'd say I was around 5'3 and 155-160 pounds. I moved around a lot, I was running with no thought about breath control every day at recess. But I still sucked in my guy and wore giant shirts so no one could see the shape of my body. Then, Covid hit.

I gained what i thought was so much weight during lockdown, as everyone else did too, as well as my oh so quirky mental illnesses. I was at 168 and it made me feel horrible. But not in the health way but the outer appearance way. Then I discovered fat acceptance.

I went from sucking in my gut to being sucked into a harmful mindset that I cannot change but that's okay.

Now, I have to give the movement credit where it's due; it both positively and negatively affected me. The negative part was that i gained about 20 pounds. I got to 180. The positive was that I gained confidence that I desperately needed. I started to not care as much about what I thought people would think, I started to wear more form fitting clothes, I started to even wear two piece swimsuits. But that 20 pounds felt absolutely horrible. And after about two years in the fat acceptance movement, I finally got out of it.

I finally stopped blaming everyone else, either for not being "fat positive" or for being the ones who made me fat. I finally stopped thinking the "naturally" skinny girls were my worst enemy. I finally stopped blaming my genetics. I finally realized just how much I was grossly overeating. I finally saw just how bad I was and how the path I was taking would've lead me to major health problems and an unhappy life filled with resentment and bitterness.

So I took that confidence given to me by the movement and I used it to better myself. After many ups and downs, I managed to get down to 162. I've gained 7 pounds back but I'm trying my best to be consistent. And this health journey started because I wanted to be healthier and just feel better, mostly because I wanted to justify it because I thought that it was wrong of me to want to lose weight to look a certain way. But honestly, fuck that. I don't care if it's fat phobic of me to want my own body to be smaller. So, health is a priority for me but I will be damned if I don't start looking the way I want.

And I tagged this with so many of these fat acceptance tags because I know for damn sure that I would've needed this post three years ago. To hear how it affected someone close to my age. So to anyone who is feeling like shit because you feel as though you can't lose weight or you don't feel as pretty as others; you can do this. You're absolutely gorgeous and handsome and pretty and interesting no matter how you look. But please, please, please don't take to the fat acceptance movement as a way go block out and ignore your insecurities. It doesn't work, it will only get worse. I lost those 17 pounds just by eating a few more vegetables and very inconsistent exercise. I realize everyone is different but it's way easier than you think it is.

Please, y'all, take care of yourselves.

#fat acceptance #tw fatphobia #fat liberation #fat life #fat activism #anti fatness #health at every size #haes #body postivity #body positive #body posititivity #intuitive eating #body neutrality #fat positive #fat positvity #fat politics #cw fatphobia #weight loss #diet #weightloss #healthy diet #tw weight #tw weighloss

[minalblood]

Episode 8, here we go! Finally! Im dedicating this review to @noybusiness and @shallowseeker for the encouragements to return to this.

Oh yes, Loki/Gabe! I forgot that's this one. I will say I still could not tell you which one it is. I WILL try to figure that out by the end of this.

I appreciate Mary immediately going to wanting to punch her dad while he's unconscious. Top tier sentiments.

I love (read: am banging my head against a wall) that John thinks what happened last ep counts as having hit the Akrida "pretty hard". It's kinda laughable tbh. The Akrida have already shown extrmely adept at infiltration (basically their whole thing) as well as the whole swarm of locust vibes associated. What i mean by this is, they have no clue how many Akrida there are or where and the dozen or so Samuel got rid of could easily be such an expendable number. But John assumes they weren't... why? Based on what? I also highkey love that Carlos just fully skirts addressing John's remark here and instead refocuses on the case du jour while Lata and Mary also say nothing. It's just funny to me.

Yessss, Lata and Carlos team up!!!

Ughh Dean's talking about dreams and sacrifices, just rip my heart out why dont u? Tho I will highlight his words about gaining more than u lose, Ive always appreciated the fact that Dean prefers to focus on what he has if possible. And it's not like he doesn't have a plethora of regrets, but he has reached a point by like.. season 11/12 I'd say where he became content with himself enough not to wish it different. I also deeply love the acknowledgement of said sacrifices made, it's not this empty optimistic view of things, shit has been bad before, but that doesn't negate or dimish the good that you've also gotten/found.

Lata's absolute judgement and unimpresed reaction to what Carlos has just called a "cathedral" give me life. This ep I think is one where we really start to see some more contrast in Lata. Because up until now, she's certainly been there, has def had complexity, but now we're not just seeing her be excited about knowledge, but rather learn some of the minutiae of her personality. Like how she is not easily impressed and also her niche interests and Carlos' dont match. We've seen Carlos be interested in her hobbies before, begrudgingly and with vague horrified expressions, but intrigued nonetheless. The opposite, we can now see for sure, does not apply in reverse for Lata. She genuinely doesn't seem to give a shit about the supposed prestige of the Knave and is more than happy to fall back to what she enjoys.

I adore the bartender. He is my fav and I am endlessly mad he dies. I loved that man and his "leave me.tf alone kid" vibes.

Carlos not wanting Lata to know about Rivers Gemini is soo funny. And 100% reminds me of Dean and how he prefers to hide his interests so he isn't made fun of/keeps appearences. And this won't be the only Carloa Dean parallel this ep. Hell, Dean's intro words apply most to Carlos this ep as is.

I love the fact that Mary and John actually TALK about their relationship and boundaries and the kiss. The emotional maturity is astounding tbh.

Jericho immediately making his excuses for why he hadn't seen Brock when he died gave me apprehension when I 1st watched this ep live, but now it's very obvious he was preemptively giving his alibi. It's honestly subtly done especially when contrasted to how obvious Loki/Gabe are. Glorious mustache on him btw.

Carlos has a very... interesting view on hunting. Because on the one hand, it did kinda kill their dream of being a musician, but they alao very much approach hunting with a lot of enthusiasm and genuinely seem to enjoy it. Again, the Dean vibes are off the charts with this one. I love Lata for adressing and checking in with Carlos as well, just making sure they're ok.

The roadie/Loki/Gabe is also pretty obvious in hindsight. It makes little sense to have this dude just go fuck off but oh no actually lemme tell u exactly what u need.

Oh no, Millie and Samuel. I am not ready for this. They are so similar and so different at the same time. Mainly because I genuinely believe Millie by this point has had the chance to process part of her issues whereas Samuel very much so is ... Samuel. And you can see this plainly for both of them. They are similiar, they butt heads because of it, but Millie has spent all this episode giving both John and Mary the space they need to work their shit out, without making any of her usual comments except for the tea Ada gave Samuel and even then she's quick to retract her statement when the tea works. Samuel meanwhile spends a good chunk of the episode saying shit that only serves to diminish or undermine.

I do appreciate the confirmation that Samuel knew who the MoL are/were. It makes perfect sense for the Campbell's to know considering their hunting legacy. And it's endlessly funny thay both him and Henry (when he met Sam and Dean) put down the other's profession. It's a fun parallel (i hate it). Millie putting him in his place was very very satisfying for me.

I will forever be screaming about Chuck being front and centre in this episode several times. An episode where we have Loki/Gabe and is about music (Chucks already said music is where humanity popped off for him) and on top of that discusses the themes of making up ur life as you want it despite whatever fate decrees (aka hunting means sacrifice and death but Carlos get to perform on the best stage in the area in from.of their friends regardless). Not to mention that I constantly have Chuck saying he likes "front row seats" and "hiding out in plain sight" on a loop in my head. Like of course he'd be keeping an eye out for his faves or would've done so before he was defeated. The timeline's a bit messy here because either this version is no longer the Chuck that Sam and Dean fought and defeated and is essentially the leftover consciousness from this particular world or time happens sorta simultaneoualy? I lean toward the 1st tbh, but then the question still remains of how much does he know. It's very very incriminating that he is in fact there.

And all this to say that I cannot believe that we have Loki alone here. I don't see it, can't. It makes more sense to me to actively mess with the Campbell-Winchester bloodlines via fucking with their friends while giving a speech about playing ur part for Gabe. But then... it ain't like Loki's mythos don't also deal with themes of predestination... soo...

And it's so so obvious that Loki/Gabe is gunning directly for Carlos btw. Like so obvious.

The bartender deserved better and I will go down with this.

Yep, that tattoo is def a parallel to the Mark of Cain. Which again, interesting choice 🤔

I love Mary's no nonsense vibe with Samuel, especially when he's trying to fuck around and find out aka deflecting the bullshit he's been pulling.

The photossssss, yesss.

I need John Winchester to not say shit like "should treat her more like a daughter less like a soldier' because I will have a stroke. I am so so in agreement and applauding but simultaneously thinking how fucking rich it is that this comes from any version of him. I am.in paaain. I wanna kill SPN!John with my bare hands and hearing this John say shit like this only adds fuel to the fire.

Ah yes... the innuendo. Forgot bout that. More on it, the personality Loki/Gabe shows here matches Gabe wayyyyy more than Loki, but the outfit and earlier peronality matches Loki. Cannot speak to MO since that's fully dif fron SPN, no just deserts here. Just a very bitter demigod/archangel. I am starting to think they are actively working together here and are both present and fucking around. He really really hates Lata tho. Like he's gunning for Carlos, but actively scorns Lata. Interesting.

Also also the disappearing Jericho thing... yes Loki could, but we've most seen in with Chuck and Lucifer, so I fully believe that the version that gets Carlos to make a deal is heavily leaning towards Gabe moreso than Loki.

Maggie's books save the day once more. God Maggie could've been a glorious Woman of Letters (to quite Charlie) in another life.

Uuuuuh Samuel seeing how things have changes, yess. Makes sense of course he's the one who's literally been on the outside and not being influenced by the Dean meddling til now so he still relates everything to what used to be true of the people we've been watching. But they aren't the same anymore, shit's changed and they've changed. This is what I've been trying ro highlight as it's been happening these past 8 ep that led us to Samuel confirming it.

At least he's self aware hes not a people's person. I do appreciate the distinction between monsters that kill to survive vs those that kill for fun. (And I am once more wondering if I should just post my bachelor's on the nature of monsters in spn)

Winchesters and their family specials... Aaaand I just realized they SPN!John likely had made his moms recipe for Sam and Dean when they were sick... think Dean called it cure-all kitchen-sink stew? If I remember my spn correctly...

Uuuu it was Samuel who mentioned the weapon...not Lata as Loki/Gabe accuses and mocks.

I love the arguememt between Mary and Samuel. And am mad that Samuel actually shows more emotional maturity in explaning himself here than SPN!John every did... I feel like I'm chewing glass here fellas, pray for me. Wonderful self awareness actually, love the clear generational trauma "dont want you to hate me like I hated him" indeed Samuel. Aaaand he's pulling a SPN!Mary move of rationalising his being away and distant and working on his own while his kid worries and fights the same fight by saying he's doing it for her...

So Samuel is Spn!Mary and is fueled technically by the guilt of what his choices have wroth his child. And Millie is son!John and is fueled by the grief and rage of having lost her husband to the supernatural and is reflecting it onto on her kid.

But... vitally, both are trying to fix shit and are given the space/time to do so.

Fun fighting sequence.

The bait and switch is a Loki/Gabe classic.

The Samuel stabing his daughter... oooof. Not left handed??? That's what u based it on, you absolute moron! I agree with Loki/Gabe mocking Samuel here tbh.

I will say the personality has shifted a bit after the bait and switch. The version of Loki/Gabe is now simmering with barely contained anger and is far more serious in his comments. There's more bite to them. I do believe thats more Loki leaning.

"For someone your height, you're very loud" was a helluva projection for Loki/Gabe.

I adore how Carlos breaks the rules here. And it's based in the sacrifice of hunting, but it's not because of it per se. And in doing the selfless thing, impulsively I'd even say, he broke the deal/curse. Ah... the free will of it all.

It's a very interesting arguement that Loki/Gabe gives here about humanity. Could fit either really.

Lata's mild sadistic pleasure about annoying Loki/Gabe, my beloved.

Awwwwww, they're familyyyy

I still like the Millie and Samuel dynamic. It's kind ... juicy with trauma in such a specific way.

At least now Samuel tells Mary where he's going, rather than just taking off like an asshole.

Calling Samuel, Sam... oh John, you disaster of a person, I kinda love you.

Carlos being fully behind forgiving Jericho, lovely. And omg Jericho is basically Lee here, isn't he? Is that a stretch??

Uhhhh such a gorgeous fucking voice.

Fucking Chuck still there tho and it gives me anxiety even tho I know how this ends.

I do like seeing everyone during the song montage, love the forward movement of it. The future it sorta aludes to. And Mary deciding to go on with her and John's relationship only adds to this sentiment.

Aaaanddd Dean MOTHERFUCKING Winchester has join the chat. I remember that moment when I 1st watched this... on his bday. Such a great time seeing this live tbh and it still is a hell of a reveal now too.

See y'all next time where we'll be diving into my still unresolved trauma of the spn finale, vampires (my beloveds), the Ursitoare and how annoyed I am constantly about the pronunciation of most Romanian in English shows and much more!

#spnwin #spnwin rewatch #spnwin 1x08 #lata dar #carlos cervantez #mary campbell #john winchester #millie winchester #samuel campbell

[katyspersonal]

I am feeling so ill. My mental pain keeps translating into physical one, like something that keeps poisoning me from within, and it can last from very morning to very evening at times. I wish I stopped being reminded of the backstabbing, of how much that person has been lying to us, and how she threw away her empathy and common sense in an instant, as soon as she got enticed with the prospect to feel like a """victim""". When everything was explained and even forgiven prior.

For a Christian, she sure is a terrible one, and really should pray to her God for forgiveness. Because that's sin of vanity if I've seen one. Her sorry pro-lifer ass that can't even use they/them pronouns because it is "not correct in English" and has been following Mico herself before he deactivated must be satisfied with people around with whom she has to censor her true opinions, I suppose? She had all context, she had explanation and apology, she faked having accepted that apology too, lied about not really caring about the "drama", faked patience and lied about always welcoming me back - only to latch at the first chance to backstab me and my friends she got. And the way she conveniently ignored how I took my words back, too.. I don't know what is WRONG with people who think that when a person that has been stalked and harassed for a year lashes out upon feeling threatened - they've shown their """true face""". Nobody is more alien to normal human emotions and reactions than Americans. I guess for them you are either physically incapable of anger, fear and fucking up OR you are a vile dangerous monster.

But the real question - what did she want to ACCOMPLISH? She didn't really feel like a star and gain sympathy like a victim of the """horrible mistreatment""" that me lashing out when she defended my STALKER was - that I also TOOK BACK. From my knowledge, she kept herself anonymous. And of course instantly blocked me, because like a coward she could not answer for her lies. She also lost other friends too - one HATES liars and hypocrites more than anything, another has similar emotional problems to mine so no longer feels safe, third straight up was harassed by that person as well.. "They are still lovely people" she says. And I am not a "lovely" person, of course. Because "lovely" people just smile and shrug off being stalked, harassed and talked untrue shit about for a year, I suppose? Because "lovely" people don't become clingy for someone defending them so loud and proud?

My only theory is that she just secretly harbored hatred towards me all along but was forcing the facade of patience and understanding, until one day finally came what looked like a good justification to drop it. But then why sending me all that emotional support when I fell for suicidal road back in spring? Why write at least two essays to Alfred-chan about her right to interact with me and about how I deserved kindness and compassion? Why acting flattered when I said I loved her (platonically) when in reality she was creeped out? Why bothering to explain me how she did not blame me and always would welcome me back in the blog? Following me for a decent time and all that interacting. Was feeling like a poor victim that fell under attack of the "monster" for like 5 minutes without even revealing her name to the world and losing more likeminded people worth it? Was it worth it? How? How mad you should be at someone for getting attached more than """acceptable""" and for lashing out before learning why you'd defend someone that harassed us, that you'd resort to backstabbing and break all your prior promises? She even told me stuff like "ratting someone out is very condemned in my culture and I'd never do that". Then what DID she do, when she showed the moment of weakness I had 40 days ago, to a deranged ableist that has been condoning harassment and canceling for hell knows how long and she could tell wished me harm?

I want to ask whether it was worth it, but clearly she didn't lose anything of value. One of those "but internet connections are not REAL uwu" people.

I so badly want to say that this is my fault for trusting someone who is not only American but also a Christian, double combination of hypocrite and all you know. Because I just want to find a reason. I want to know WHY, even if the answer is something as shallow as nationality and religion. But this is just not fair to people who are one or both of these things but have common sense to not lie and not be cut throats. I guess the real reason is that some people are just too easily enticed with the chance to feel like the "good" guys, to mark category of people that do not deserve any empathy, human bonds and understanding because they are "evil and dangerous". It is just easier. You feel justified to mistreat a certain category of people because they are "bad" - all while the criteria for why they're "bad" is growing progressively absurd. But this coming from a person that preached kindness and acceptance. Yet she sided with the people that punish me FOR having shown that kindness and acceptance to someone else, and never intend to stop. Why following Mico yourself, then?

I have no skill of forgiving people that do not feel remorse, I am not that kind of a person. It just hurts until I forget or find another thing to worry about. I don't know where to turn to, what superior power to pray to for faster healing from this, because betrayal like this is the worst thing you can do to me. It is fine to refuse to forgive someone's mental breakdown, but why not tell me off in private? Why run under the skirt of the person with bad faith that only supports neurodivergence in the form of being quirky about one's special interests and not for what problems it really brings? Does she really think it is victim's fault when they develop bad trust and abandonment issues upon a creepy stalker trying to ruin their life? The cunt would've doxxed me if they could only over the fact that I said I was gonna reblog from who I want - again, something she herself kept getting harassed over. So was that okay, then? She never meant her words, then, and only flexed her "I interact with who I want" for weird flex of herself as a hero, and not for our friends group?

Well, yes. It has to be that. Until she saw an opportunity to switch sides and find a more compelling "enemy" to stand against. The final punch in the gut is that she assumes my friends are okay with the betrayal either, just goes around as though nothing happened, as though having betrayed someone and still writing them down as vile and unremorceful even after they apologised to her two times was nothing. Yeah, why? If a person failed to meet her personal mark of forgiving, tolerating and shrugging off harassment - then they deserve to be backstabbing and thrown to those cultish ableists. That's her logic.

And I just want to vent all this in a sorry effort to remind myself: "See, she is so petty and callous that she doesn't deserve crying and hurting over! People like that are below you, Kat, just forget it and move on!" But in the end, I just can't stop asking myself why. She did not feel like that type of a person. My other mutual also said it was not expected, since she had that 'wise', thoughtful exterior all along and acted as though she was trustworthy. At this rate I was right in my accusation of her being brainwashed, I guess... The only thing I was wrong is the TIME when it happens.

#/vent #personal #honestly she is arguably worse than other two #they are just bad people from the get go #but she? she CHOSE to be bad. like. deliberately. #that's worse.

[joeyloganho]

The Turn (Vampire!Joey Logano)

(A/N: I haven't written in forever. By the by this is not a shipping fic or anything. Brad is in it and is kind of gay for Joey but there's not really romance or anything. Nothing spicy either. But I'd still rate it like TEEN AND UP. so. yeet. )

Joey had fought it for so long: the overwhelming feeling of hunger boiling deep down in the pits of his soul. What was he to do? He couldn’t do it. There was no way he was ever going to feed on something…someone. He couldn’t. He thought he was above it. No, he WAS above it. But his skin was turning paler by the second, and he felt cold. So cold. It was taking over him. He couldn’t hide it anymore. 

Why he ever agreed to hanging out with his friend that night, he didn’t know. He had thought it was “so cool” that Brad had somehow gained all these powers and still wanted to hang out with him. He never saw the look in Brad’s eyes that he wanted to feed off Joey, connect them forever in immortality. Joey was naive in that sense. He almost never saw it coming. Not until the last few seconds of his mortal life, when Brad had kissed Joey right under his left ear, telling him it wouldn’t hurt. “What won’t hurt?” He had remembered asking, and then…it happened. Like a flash of lightning it was there and then it wasn’t and then Joey was awake on the floor and he hurt. No,  just his neck ached. That was it. He felt nothing else. Not his breathing, or his heart beating. It wasn’t long after he woke up that he realized his body wasn’t doing either of those things. And Brad…was gone. 

~

Joey had tracked Brad down within a day’s time, though going into the sun was trickier than he had liked to imagine. It wasn’t the traditional “oh you’ll die if you go into the light.” It also wasn’t the “Ooo I sparkle” bullshit either. Rather, it just felt like a strong sunburn seeping in through his pores, burning at his bones and muscle. That had been the most painful part so far. Besides his friend turning him and then leaving him to fend for himself. 

Brad was sitting outside at a small cafe, wearing sunglasses and staring at his cup of hot chocolate when he felt the chair across from him scoot out. “What the fuck?” Joey asked. 

“What the fuck what?” Brad asked, looking up from behind his sunglasses. 

“Why?” Joey questioned. “I don’t know what’s going on. Am I some monster?” 

“Monster? Nah.” Brad smiled. “You’re just a…thing.” 

Joey grimaced. “And? What is that? What you are? You never told me. You just told me you got all these powers. I trusted you. I didn’t think you’d try to make me what you are now.” 

“You said it was cool that I’m this way.” Brad said with a smirk. 

“Yeah, I did. But I didn’t say I wanted to be one too. What are you anyway?” Joey asked a bit more angrily now. 

“What are we, you mean?” Brad sighed. “Vampires.” 

Joey stared at Brad, eyes unblinking, teeth slightly bared. 

“You can be pissed all you want, but I don’t think you want to start a vampire fight in a public place, dude.” Brad smiled. 

“We’ll discuss this later.” Joey said, standing with too much vigor and knocking his chair over. He didn’t bother to pick it up as he walked away, the ache of the sun melting into his skin. 

“I’m sure we will pal!” Brad laughed. 

~

And now. Now. It had been weeks. Months? Joey wasn’t sure. But he knew that eventually he would have to feed. Brad told him so. “You don’t have to turn people or anything, but you’ll need to feed. It’s inevitable, dude. You gotta.” He had said to him. Joey didn’t want to believe that. He kept telling himself that maybe he was the one exception. 

He wasn’t. 

He was losing control. It was night now. He felt his body pacing back and forth, but he didn’t move himself. He wasn’t himself. He was something else in that moment. He needed blood. Or…something. He thought about calling Ryan. Ryan would understand. Maybe. Yeah, he had to. Ryan got this shit. Right? 

Joey made his way to his garage. He started searching around. He didn’t know why. Maybe for some kind of sign that he wasn’t actually a vampire? He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Brad. 

“Is there anything I can have besides blood?” Joey questioned, his voice feeling distant from his body. 

“Uh. Try oil.” Brad said with a laugh. “Car blood.” 

“What, no.” Joey said. “Come on man, I’m being serious. I’m about to lose my shit.” 

“I am being serious.” Brad said. “Lemme know how it goes.” 

Joey sat the phone down, mumbling and growling to himself that this was a waste and that he was going to end up killing someone out of his need for blood. He stalked over to the workbench and pulled a bottle of Pennzoil from the bench. “This is stupid. This is never going to work.” He sighed to himself, but at this point he was desperate. 

#ok to rb #not tagging as anything else tho let my people find me

[bmwiid]

I am a very fat positive person. I want to say this off the bat because I'll be talking about my own person weight loss and I don't want people to think that I think fat is bad, ugly or undesirable. Cause fat is just fat, and if you feel confident and comfortable, then who the fuck am I to say anything else?

That said, I have been gaining weight for a few years now and I'm NOT confident and comfortable. My clothes no longer look how I want them to, I feel unhealthy and my confidence is at an all time low.

I decided one of my 12 resolutions for this year would be to lose weight. Slow and steady. I'm not an idiot, I am not crash dieting.

I was 14 stone and 2 pounds on 1 Jan. Thats almost 200 lbs. I'm a taller human at 5'10 so I didn't LOOK overweight - but my god I felt like shit. My knees hurt, my jeans cut me in half. I was wearing size 20 jeans over Christmas and I've never been so unhappy with how my body looked.

I stopped buying share size crisps or huge bars of chocolate - but I DID buy a LOT of low calorie treats. I'm a savory and sweet person - I need both to be happy. I love granola. I basically bought a huge box of under 100cals snacks and keep them by my side. I snack all day, but rather than eating loaves of bread or family size bags of crisps, I eat a couple packets of low fat crisps and a couple granola bars. I don't limit myself to HOW much I eat, I just changed WHAT I was eating.

It's mid-March and I've just stood on the scales (I weight myself every sunday as I am very bad at 'seeing' the weight come off. I know this doesn't help others, and can be triggering, but it's not for me) and for the first time in YEARS...

12 stone is on the scales. Sure, it's 12 stone 13 lbs. But it's there. 181lbs.

I'm not at my target - which may change to something less dramatic over time (I hoped to get to my 'pre-depression' weight of 9 stone 5lbs but that was also a while ago and I'm old now) but I like a goal and I'd love to get back into those old clothes - I don't really like buying new clothes and NEVER throw out clothes, so I have bags of jeans and tops I loved still in the wardrobe.

But I'm happier. I can see the number going down. My cousin in law said he thought my face looked less round, that he could tell I've lost weight. I'm still hippy as all hell, and my boobs take over the world, but hopefully as I get rid of the easy fat, they'll go down too.

At some point I will have to go on a more restrictive diet, and I also think that is when i'll end up changing the goalposts for my final weight. I don't cope well with self control and I've never been able to deny myself anything. Hunger is NOT an option.

But for right now? I'm looking at that 12stone and I feel AMAZING.

[hazzascul]

TW: mentions of the word fat, fatphobia, mentions of self harm (sh).

I have a toxic relationship with food.

I was in denial about it for a very long time but I've decided it's about time that I admit it without any ounce of shame, so I can move on and better myself.

I come from a family of fat (I'm not using alternate words coz I think it's unnecessary) people. Right from my great-grandparents, my family had always been overweight. Naturally, so have I.

It's not like I was a lazy child, I used to go to sports for 2 hours per day and plus used to (still do) practice classical dances, both of which require hefty amounts of energy. It was definitely not easy. My mom introduced me to it, not because it was her passion or anything, but because she thought I was overweight. I wasn't.

I was a scrawny kid, with barely any mass on my bones, but ofc baby fat was a thing and it seemed like it never went away for me. So from a very young age, I was forced into sports and was told that it was because I needed to lose weight, not to be healthy.

Since then, I've hated exercise. Of course I did, because the intention of doing it was not right.

Food was and has been my comfort ever since. It has been my entertainment, my fav pass time and I just overall love eating. I'm a proper foody.

But just like cigs, pot, drugs and alcohol, food can be an addiction too. I realised that very recently.

Yk that feeling, when people told you to not do something and you did exactly just that? Yup. My mom told me not to eat much food and I did the exact opposite. Out of spite.

What wasn't a problem before, became a problem now just because of that. I gained way too much weight for my height. I was bullied at school for it. I lost the will to exercise because it was forced. I lost the countable friends I had at the time because people are stupid.

At home, it was even more toxic. I was young and I didn't really understand the intentions of my mom, but I grew apart from her. I used to steal money to buy junk food.

I think I have mommy issues (severe) but that's for another time.

My relationship with food and exercise turned more and more bad. I ate out all the time because I couldn't at home and even tho I was doing a lot of exercise, I guess the junk just overpowered it and I continued to gain weight.

I really really struggled (I still very much do) that I had to be different from people my age. That they could eat just as much as me and wouldn't gain shit. That was also one of the reasons why I ate out all the time. It was with these fake friends that didn't really care about me. I trailed around them like a lost puppy, it was pathetic really.

It was so so unfair that I had to stop myself from eating fancy, yummy stuff and eat veggies instead. I hated the fact that I had to spend my evenings exercising when my friends would go hang out (my mom didn't allow me to bunk).

I was too young. Still am, I think. It was hard.

Then lockdown came and everything stopped. I got into yoga and I genuinely liked doing it, but it doesn't really help with weight loss, it's a very slow process. Those two years I stayed at home, I gained over almost 15 kg.

I was put on strict diets, at times, all I had in a day was coconut water. I was forced to go out of my way to cut myself mountains of salad and eat that much without complaining. I couldn't go out and it worsened. I was depressed during that time. I didn't / couldn't focus on studies, I was always thinking about my weight and I was addicted to reading books. So that's all I did.

My academic performance was way too severely hampered because of it. Everything was closing down on me and during my worst time, I sh-ed.

I'm ashamed of it. I thought I was stronger. It made me feel worse than I'd ever done before. I was spiraling down a rabbit hole and I didn't know how deep it was.

I've been clean for a good amount of time now, but I feel it creeping up again.

I'm in a transition phase of my life and it's catching up to me. I've been binging again and my thoughts seem to be getting darker everyday. It's so much harder to not sh again.

Fortunately, over the years, I have somewhat learned how to control my diets without going crazy about them and have actually kind of fixed my relationship with exercise. I walk at least 5km everyday without fail. I've learned how to control myself and my body.

I've learned so much about myself through it and that's the only good outcome of it.

I thought speaking here will help and it kind of is. I'm an empath and I like to help people. It brings me satisfaction knowing people feel better because of me.

I'm working on bettering myself. To be healthy.

Nowadays, the internet has over generalised having/ being massively over weight or obese. I genuinely think we should promote and push people to keep a healthy weight required for their health. I get that it's not that simple and it's a very sensitive topic for everyone.

One thing is sure:

No one should be bullied for being overweight. They can't always help it. You don't know how far they've come or what their mental health.

Sometimes, your words could cause more harm than you could've ever imagined.

I'm here so by sharing my story, you can feel somewhat heard and seen. You're not alone. I know how it feels.

If you ever wanna talk, I'm here.

I love you, if you haven't heard it in a while.

You're worth it and nothing is worth hurting yourself for. I understood it the hard way. Pls don't make the same mistakes I did.

If you like me, live in an environment where therapy and/ or counseling is looked upon, talk to me. Or anyone. But talk because it helps tremendously.

My best friend came into my life at a crucial time, which couldn't be more perfect. She has helped in so many ways, she doesn't even know and I don't know how to put it into words.

I'll be your best friend like mine is for me. I'll listen to you rant.

I love you, I'm here.

Sleep tight, good night❤️

--

Remember that these are my opinions and I never mean to offend anyone, I'm just trying to help myself and others, I hope you can understand.

#mental health #positive mental attitude #fat #fatphobia #mommy issues #self h@rm #self care #self love #self healing #i love you #addiction #food #food addiction

[darklordofthesimp]

So I am a fairly active anon on here but I’m a little nervous to just claim which one I am but I am a tall bitch, talking 5’10 for a lady but I am hefty (talking 300) and of course you don’t have to change yourself to be attractive I know that, but I’ve always wanted to be physically fit and to a degree I am, I could leg press 500 lbs however, they say you can’t gain muscle while cutting or at least that’s my understanding? Or that I need to eat a shit ton of more food in order to gain muscle, but if I’m already heavy do I still need to bulk?

Let me tell you something. I've been asking myself that question for years and you talk to a million fucking people and everyone's got different versions.

So ill tell you my experience and my opinion and you can go from there

I needed to drop some weight, j had 7kgs of weight gain after getting into a relationship. I was training like a fucking machine but i just couldn't drop the weight.

It was the diet.

I was eating well but I was eating way too much. I was eating carbs at the wrong times and skipping meals that I shouldn't have skipped. Snacking on too much shit like the amount that I'd eat in a day was spectacular.

Now I have 2 slices of toast with 200 grams of baked beans one of those small cans. And a coffee. Like a tall coffee

Lunch I'll either have low carb chicken wraps or chicken and veg/salad

Dinner is always like 300 grams of steak and veg

Then I have tea and 4 cubes of dark chocolate later on. Maybe a stringers cheese stick.

I needed to eat as much carbs as I could manage in the morning and cut them off at night. It jump started my metabolism and gave me energy throughout the day. I dropped 7kgs in fat and gained muscle mass.

I'm losing weight and gaining mass. The amount of protein that I eat fuels the muscles. And the fact that I'm carb loading in the mornings too. My body's getting rid of excess fat now.

I train less than I did when I had all that weight on and I've been losing weight and gaining muscle steadily.

You can do both. Your eating is the biggest factor. Diet is 70% training is 30%

Set a reasonable meal plan and stick for it for 3 weeks with consistent training and I promise you you'll feel fitter and stronger than ever.

NOT A DIET

A meal plan. You're altering how you eat and maintaining a reasonable and consistent lifestyle.

I literally buy the steak from Woolworth and frozen vegetables that you chuck in the microwave. Takes me 8 minutes to cook the steak.

Also I have a cheat day that consists of me just eating what I feel like once a week.

[lyxthen]

My friend trying to compare Lovecraft's #problematic behaviour to Tolkien's #problematic behaviour saying that "both were a product of their time" feels extremely childish, and wrong in so many levels.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's bad to like and admire the works of either of these authors. I have always wanted to read Lovecraft because I am into that shit but I haven't done it because life. You don't have to justify liking the work of a racist asshole because it was a "product of his time." The man is dead. He can't lobby racist policies from the grave.

And I don't think they see the value in approaching literary analysis from a critical point of view, instead of "I like this therefore it is Good and Perfect" and that's why they try to defend, or justify, or just remark that the authors don't have blame.

I'd be the first time to admit that Tolkien, as a person and as a writer, has flaws and biases. But there *is* a difference between a guy that is trying his best to convey a message of empathy and connection, like Tolkien or Mark Twain, even within the bounds of their own prejudice, and a guy as overtly ideologically poisonous as Lovecraft.

And I told her, "you know, as a disabled transgender person, I find incredibly interesting some of the work of German philosopher Heidegger, the NOTABLE NAZI, which doesn't negate the fact that he was a NOTABLE NAZI." Which is in my opinion something way more controversial than saying "I think Lovecraft's monsters are cool".

All authors are a product of their time and environment. That's like, something I thought was taken for granted? Not to get leftist about things but the individual is a social construction. I don't see the point of remarking that "authors are a product of their time" cuz DUH WE KNOW. WE ARE ALL YOU SHITHEAD. 300 years in the future they are going to see us as problematic and you have to make peace with that, and try your best to make the world better anyway. Cuz there is a difference between someone trying their best, and someone who actively advocates for genocide. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't examine the bigotry present in the works of authors who were trying their best, of course. At least my corner of the Tolkien fandom is notable for slandering the man and his work work every chance they get and we still love him. This is normal and healthy behaviour.

But the thing that really confuses me is her defense of J.K. Rowling. I really do mean this: This is a transgender girl defending her. Because she thinks that the only thing JK did was "tweeting some unfortunate things" as though those tweets existed in a vacuum and not currently fueling anti-trans bigotry around the world and possibly indirectly sparked the Scottish independence. Especially because she is a living author, her bigotry is NOT EXCUSABLE. You don't even have to stop liking Harry Potter, but at least acknowledge that this woman is incredibly fucked up?

I really hope she grows out of it eventually. Like, she is at the same crossroads I was a few years ago, of realising you are transgender and having to drop all the bullshit bigotry the YouTube algorithm has been feeding you since you were twelve, and gaining the mental maturity to engage with media critically. But damn god if I have to listen to her say "product of their time" one more time I am going to lose it.

#tw harry potter #ramble #I will post ninjago to make it up to you ok?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

So TW medical bitterness, cancer, hysterectomy, abnormal periods, mental health, past abuse. I just want to encourage others with my story, I guess.

Since 2018, I knew something was wrong with my uterus, but I figured I was just young and didn't know stuff yet. I developed late emotionally/physically, like not even getting anything near a stereotypical period until I was 22, even though I'd been spotting since 12.

I started bleeding a lot and never really stopped, even with a fist-sized blood clot that nearly made me pass out. But I got on birth control for the anemia and they said it would reset my reproductive system.

Which for a lot of people it does! Not so for me.

Fast forward to 2020, and I'm in the hospital for a pulmonary embolism that was caused by the very same birth control that kept me from bleeding to death. I asked to get a hysterectomy because something ain't right.

They told me that I being was dramatic and swapped me to progesterone-only birth control. I didn't stop asking though.

Fast forward again to 2022, last November, and I got on antidepressants for the first time. Honestly, it's amazing no longer having a maelstrom of ADHD, anxiety (thanks hospital stay), and depression in my head where I feel lost.

But then I started bleeding again. The antidepressants overrode my birth control. So I quickly switched to another antidepressant and got into the gynecologist who put me on a progesterone booster.

They did an ultrasound and get this, in the 3 days I bled, my body made 19 mm of uterine lining. 19! A month later when I went back to see how much had been dissolved by the higher dose of meds (as is supposed to happen), I was only down to 16 mm of lining!

Obviously, it's not working and I produce far more than should be possible. NO SHIT.

Anyway, so March of this year, I had a D&C surgery. They scrape out my uterus and send all the contents to the lab for testing.

LO AND BEHOLD, TWO WEEKS LATER I AM CALLED IN BETWEEN NORMAL PATIENTS AND TOLD THAT I HAVE UTERINE CANCER.

The only thing I cried about was that I no longer have to fight to get the hysterectomy because it's now seen as a lifesaving operation instead of "convenience".

I'm the one driving this meat suit and I told them there was something wrong for YEARS.

So, in 8 days (April 27th, 2023, since I don't know when this will get shared), I get a hysterectomy and my life back. All the risks of birth control, the weight gain, so much will be gone and I can lower doses on my other meds.

Yes, I'm fat and they can blame as much as they want on that fact, but now that the causes of my overeating are finally getting fixed, I'm losing said weight and I will finally be free.

I'm a subset of asexual with sexual abuse trauma, so while I know the big choice I'm losing, I would rather be alive and foster kids when I'm older than have kids/a relationship and be the emotional/verbal abuser that my parents were because it's so internalized that I haven't dug it out yet.

Never stop asking. Never let them sweep you off to the side. Make your doctor rule out everything until they finally do what you want.

I'm bitter, I admit it. I'm bitter against my mom for not diagnosing me with my ADHD and getting me medicated as a child. My first adderall was my 30th birthday, because I snuck behind her back for it. I don't give a shit about the stigma of mental health, I want to be free. I want to be me.

Find the good doctors out there and hang onto them. Dig your feet in and stand up. AFAB are more than the uteruses we are born with. Fat people are more than just our fat. We are people worth getting real genuine help by the medical field. We need more people to learn how people of different races are built differently too.

I now can't even take HRT (to stave off menopause) because I've had both embolism and cancer.

I admit, I wasn't strong enough to fight against my family for the help I needed, and I'm not sure if it was because I was a coward or just not mature enough. But I'm a human being.

I'm going to win and be happy, even if it takes me fighting for the rest of my life to be seen as worthwhile. I'm so tired, but I won't fall. I can't.

-Audra

Hi Audra,

I'm so sorry that you struggled to get a proper diagnosis and treatment, but I'm glad that you could get the help you needed. Your experiences highlight the importance of advocating for ourselves and persistently seeking the help and treatment we deserve.

The bitterness you feel towards your mom and the healthcare system is valid. It's natural to have complex emotions when reflecting on the past and the support that could have made a significant difference in your life. But the focus now is on your well-being and reclaiming your life.

Please know that you are more than the conditions you've faced. You are a human being deserving of compassion, understanding, and comprehensive healthcare. It's essential to take care of yourself mentally and physically as you continue your healing journey.

I hope I could help. Please feel free to reach out if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #audra #tw abuse #tw medical abuse

[kindredsoulsoftimesofold]

The thing I find kind of funny about fat/skinny discourse is that they never care abt health. Never.

An example: I currently have a guest w me on holiday. She is thin, conventionally attractive, looks great in a swimsuit. She eats like shit. She can't walk for long, gets tired before I do, only drinks a sugary drink by the litre, literally only ate chips, chocolate and a donut in the last two days.

Me on the other hand, who am in fact fat, walk way more, swim more, eat vegetables, soups, protein. I don't eat sugar in general and the only exceptions were iced coffees cause it is fucking hot.

Now, I quite like her actually and enjoy her company, we have fun. But if you asked a random dude to pick one, they would pick her. Because they don't care abt health, they care abt what they SEE. And yes, there are preferences and tastes and all of that, I get that very well, but just give up the health excuse cause you so obviously don't care. The girl you find hot could smoke five cartons a day and be half starved and you wouldn't care as long as she looks a certain way.

Did I get fat by being unhealthy? Very much so. People sometimes starve themselves when faced w bullying, I had the opposite response. But that was a decade ago, and I just have a metabolism that gains far quicker than it can lose. But I feel great, am healthy, try to move as much as possible and am overall fine w how I look.

Just thought I'd make an example because I was so shocked on the first day how poorly she handled the heat and couldn't walk at all, compared to fat ol massive cow me.

#fat people #fat #chubby #thin #skinny #health my ass #discussion

[cafffeineconnoisseur]

Everything you went through i understand completely.

Fyi nursing school wasn’t my first option, but I couldn’t do well back in high school since my father passed the same year I should’ve studied hard to get good grades that could get me into med school.

I was only 0.7% away from getting into med school so nursing was my last option, and honestly, my family was against it but I insisted since it was my last option and the last major that’s close to med school, so i got in 🤷🏼‍♀️

Back in my second year, I had to go visit a therapist because of the immense amount of pressure I went through and I had to get on some meds to help me relax, which resulted in having irregular periods and having to take meds for that too, I honestly am still traumatized about my entire university experience, but i kept telling myself that it will end soon and it did.

Another family member passed when I was a graduate, and I went through depression and anxiety for the entire graduation year I wasn’t even half happy even when I was close to the end, so again i relate.

Time will pass by and you will remember these days and be thankful they’re over, I’m glad you’re occupying yourself with different hobbies and I’d say this is the best time to explore your true self and what you actually want, this is the perfect time to choose a path you’re comfortable with, and maybe learn about other careers that could be wayyyy better than med school, i secretly wish i chose marketing over nursing bc they’re effing rich 😂

Ily pookie and i want you to be the best all the time ❤️

Pookie I'm so sorry you had to go thru all that and thanks a lot for sharing. Ik this can be difficult to talk about but I'm so grateful you did cuz I feel empowered.

I'm so sorry about your father's and your family member's passing, it's so hard to deal with honestly. Even my grandpa passed away last November, I hadn't met him in 4 years and I didn't even have the time to grieve. Damn how I wish the education system took our mental health seriously lmao.

Sending you hugs cuz I relate to the irregular periods so much cuz since 2024 began, I didn't get it for 3 months straight. I literally got it during my finals and it was hella intense so I did pretty horrible in it and even now I'm gonna touch the 2 month mark lmao. I was basically diagnosed with severe vitamin B12 deficiency so I had to take shots on my ass lmao and shit ton of meds. It didn't cure my headache so my doc gave me anti depressants and anti anxiety pills which I'd used more often than necessary. I realised it was wrong so I stopped completely and had to go thru withdrawal lol. Isn't it crazy how much our physical health is affected by all of it? Ugh I find it so annoying. Like in the past few months I've gained some weight. Lot of ppl around me call me some shit for that but I try to ignore it. I want to lose weight but I have a history of ed so I'm just scared lmao.

I hope you're doing better now pookie ❤️

Yeah I'm sure time will pass but I just can't wait now lmao. It's been too long and I'm done with those toxic af classes, losing friends, constant anxiety, insomnia and what not. All of that to still not be good enough.

Ifkr like atp I just wanna be YouTuber or tiktoker lmao cuz some of them are earning wayy more than actual doctors hahaha.

Actually I'm looking into more research oriented careers and stuff idk how that's gonna go lol

Thanks a lot for sharing this baby, I feel so much better just sharing my heart away over here. 💗