#I'd like to clean up my blog but I have adhd | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

changeling-of-the-fae · 5 months

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T-10 Pre-Op And The Weird Things You Do Before Surgery

Caveat for anyone who doesn't want to see these (there are probably a lot more coming): I'm tagging them all as 'recovery blog' if you want to block it!

I've been trying to maintain a certain nonchalance - sure, surgery is going to suck, but I've already done everything that comes after.

I know I can do it again, and at least this time I can plan for it.

When I got home from Montana, brace and crutches in tow, I hadn't even finished unpacking from my move. There were boxes everywhere places, clothes that needed a home, and crutch-friendly pathways were non-existent. I didn't have estim, or ice packs, or a wedge pillow.

This time I have all that and more! Possibly too much more.

I suspect my mother and aunt have been looking at knee replacement surgeries for ideas of what I might need, but we are on very different pages.

I love them dearly, but I will NOT be using a bedside commode. I will be getting my nerve-blocked butt the ten feet it takes to get me to the bathroom. The surgeon has already made i clear that it's better to get up and moving sooner rather than later, anyway.

I do, however, think they're starting to get to me. Because, and not to be too dramatic, it feels a little like I'm dying.

It's not because I'm suffering or in total agony. But there's this odd background checklist of 'things I can do now' and 'things I won't be able to do for a while'. And it feels weirdly like I'm putting my affairs in order. Which, really, I am - recovery from surgery, to the level I'm at now (but hopefully better!) is at least six months.

I went grocery shopping, picked up the requisite stool softener (hardcore painkillers), and finished a few of the tasks I promised my mother I'd do weeks ago.

I called my dad's sister and asked her out for coffee, since we only get together at the family Christmas party and I'm not planning to go (it's three days post-op.)

And I have been cleaning; in suspicious new ways.

My parents' house is a visual representation of the marriage of ADHD (my mother, myself, my younger brother - we care but the doing is herculanean) and autism (my dad and older brother - they don't care and don't know why they should.)

So believe me when I say the three hours I spent washing windows, scrubbing switch plates, and dusting baseboards is seriously out of place.

It's just...the little things, y'know?

My bedroom windows haven't been cleaned since before we moved in 15 years ago.

It wouldn't normally register on my radar as a worthy task (they're windows, dirt happens!) but dammit I want to be blinded by sunlight after my surgery.

I want to wake up to snow and wish I had my sunglasses.

(much clean, very shiny!)

I know no one else at home cares. I don't expect them to even notice, really. Hell, I barely care. But there's some weird mental-physical link that's compelled me to make a three (3!!) page to-do list of odds and end tasks like this.

Maybe I'm just looking for ways to stay busy. I'll never admit to it.

#mpfl recovery #knee surgery #recovery blog #patellar dislocation #mpfl tear #personal

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gracieart · 10 months

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As an Elucien, I'm incredibly thankful you are willing to draw them, if it's the only time you do, I'll still be grateful. Thank you for being a kind, sweet person. I have a few mutuals who are Elriels and they are kind people, and while we don't agree on ships, we have so much common outside this fandom and I hold them dear to my heart, we don't let fictional characters get in the way of that.

It's really a shame toxic individuals have made this fandom the way it is... and judge others based on FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.

At the end of the day, Elain is not real. She comes from the imagination of a woman who loves to write romance and fantasy. That's it. She's going to write whatever she wants. We don't dictate the narrative, sure it's fun to theorize and make predictions but at the end of the day, it's really not worth being angry over, nor letting it affect your mental health because someone disagrees with their opinion so they stalk and harass to get the last word. It's embrassing, get a grip on reality, please. And it goes both ways. I stay in my bubble and enjoy the fandom but sometimes I notice the warships and I'm like, here we go again. I'd hate for this fandom to lose a great artist like you!

Thank you for your contributions! ALL OF THEM. I may not ship Elain with Az, but your work has always been beautiful to me and I admire it so much, I don't care who you draw our sweet girl with, I appreciate it no matter what.

You know what’s crazy? So I took a break from this fandom and tumblr in general for a very long time. I left when the “ship war” was at its worst in the year that followed acosf and was away for almost a year, as some of you know. And when I came back, I had a new perspective on everything. I made some new friends and mutuals who shipped all kinds of things. It was so nice and peaceful, that when I received those mean asks, it was genuinely surprising to me. I had forgotten that people can be shitty. Can you believe that? I was very hurt. And I’m going to be completely honest here- I almost cried a little.

But since taking my hiatus, I learned that stepping back really helps me. So I received those asks, I read and reread them, and then I let them sit in my ask box for a whole day and didn’t go online at all. I got up and went to make cookies, and because of my messy adhd brain, that led to cleaning out my fridge, which led to cleaning out my pantry, which led to reorganizing all my kitchen drawers and cabinets for the rest of the day. LOL that’s not my point! My point is, I came back to the asks and I was suddenly like, God, why am I so upset? Why are these people so upset with me? I shouldn’t worry about this at all. I should worry about what I’m having for dinner tonight with the $8 to my name…. And then go draw Elucien for my really amazing and kind and sweet online friends to help me forget about the $8 to my name 🤪

I love all you guys so much. Seriously. You’re all welcome here on my blog. Whatever ship you ship. I’m trying to draw something for everyone lately. You get my art! And YOU GET MY ART!

#Gracie answers #ask

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candiid-caniine · 5 months

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You once made a post quite a while ago about neurodivergency and how that affects kink. And while I am about a month and a half late to the party, I thought I'd answer. Because we have thought a lot about this.

So I think the most obvious way for us is through DID, dissociative identity disorder. Each headmate has their own kinks and attitudes towards sex. My dom, who is also plural and also of the mindset that everything can and should be sexualized, has certainly done some thinking about this. Favorite has to be an idea they've had for a long time (but never gotten around to doing because of a bunch of reasons) about making me switch out just as I'm about to cum. And having me switch back as soon as they do so, so I have to clean up the mess. Another plurality-derived sexy moment came from looking at nudes that another headmate took. I just had a deeply rooted feeling that even though this pictures looked like me, they weren't me. They were somebody puppeting my body around. I had never had a kink for such a thing before, and I still don't really, but oh my god. Oh my god.

For me specifically (call me... Gold), autism and ADHD heavily inform my kinks. We have severe executive dysfunction issues that make it really difficult to do basically anything. Clear instructions are the cure to this for me, to the point where I will do literally anything a select list of friends ask. The happier they are with me, the happier I am. I'm sure how you can see how this leads to me humiliated, in immeasurable pain, and so horny I could cry. Being horny just amplifies this feeling, so obviously orgasm denial is my number 1 kink. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.

Now to expose the system's other host (we have two), who you can call Lily. She is the holder for our histrionic personality disorder. Basically she really really really really needs attention so the rest of us only kinda need it instead of just really needing it. If that makes any sense at all. But, of course, sex is a place to find attention. Which means she's big into being worshipped. Number 1 kink right there. And on the sub side she loves praises and insults alike. Often she'll be a terrible brat when around friends who are also kinky just so that she can be the center of attention.

And to bring it back to your blog's theme, I am both pleased and dismayed to discover that the way horniness builds overtime is mostly (if not entirely) emotional in nature. If I'm being denied for an extended period of time (like now, happy November), and a headmate of mine fronts and cums, I don't feel any less horny.

I think that's all worth mentioning. Hope you find this interesting!

- @golden-tumble

hi friend! wow, this ask was so detailed and so, so interesting to me! thank you so much for sending it!

i can honestly say that, while i've had several friends who are plural, i've always felt...i don't know, unsure of how etiquette works irt sex. of course, i know each person in the body is, well, a person, and i should simply communicate with the person and the system at large about boundaries and preferences, etc. but i've felt out of my depth in regular conversation with members of a system, so i think that informs some of my anxiety.

it's fascinating to me that Gold continues to experience the intensity of denial even if another headmate orgasms. i guess i never really thought about which parts of denial-brain are truly brain and which parts are body, so that's a question answered that i never really thought to ask!

i've heard from plural friends/plural-owned nsft blogs that some headmates also hold what we consider "paraphilias," or any sexual interest that other system members feel is taboo, so that the rest of the system is protected from the guilt or shame that said paraphilias might cause, which i've always found really fascinating too.

i'll answer your wonderful ask with a bit of sharing of my own re: autism and some other things:

i frequently experience speech loss with enough stimulation/deep enough in subspace. i actually find it highly erotic, rather than distressing. uh, i mean, it is somewhat distressing, but in an erotic way, and i trust my spouse deeply and they know how to communicate with me despite the speech loss!

i have visual synesthesia triggered by (some) orgasms. i have seen flowers, horses galloping, all kinds of colors, robots, etc. when i cum lol!

one of my special interests since my early teens has been BDSM, in case you somehow didn't pick up on that lmao!!

my sensory-seeking behaviors for pressure affect my preferred positions and activities. fucking *love* being crushed under another person's weight, grabbed roughly, having my face shoved into the bed...just,, and i actually have an aversion to light touches. tickling/caressing, brushing lightly, poking, all make me squirrely, so i need to be touched like you fucking mean it ;)

it's obvious from this blog, but when i *want* to be, i'm ridiculously easy to condition. even when i don't *know* i want to be. see my interaction with lady maria a few posts ago. see also that i accidentally started cumming on command, then accidentally stopped being able to cum without permission. (downside: i might be losing my ability to cum on command, since we don't let me cum much anymore ;-; unsure if it was bc i was just bone-tired last time they told me to, but future testing will confirm.)

weirdest one: ever since i was young, i've been a maladaptive daydreamer and had highly vivid imaginary friends. one might even consider them accidental tulpas (i know the term is contested but it's the most recognizable one and i don't know what else to call them, sorry!). in childhood these friends were just friends, but as i got older and started to experience arousal/sexual interests, my relationships with them have gotten...charged, at times. they're not concrete enough for me to "feel" touch from them, etc, but i've definitely had them watching me and egging me on and dirty-talking to me while i touch myself, and it's fucking hot <3

i consider my romantic orientation to be affected by both my physical disability and my neurodivergence. the degree, times, and forms of attraction that i experience to others fluctuates and shifts depending on what's going on with my body and what's going on with my mind. i don't remember the terms for this, but to a degree it affects my sexuality as well--not so much whom i'm attracted to sexually, that's static, but *how.*

thanks again so much for sharing! <333

#golden-tumble #asks #health and kink #neurosexy #denial #h/d #gen

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adhdcopingskills · 1 year

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How to Look for Something

Looking for things can be hard and stressful. If you find yourself getting upset and angry when you look for things, know that that is your adhd trying to give you enough energy to look and find what you need. However, being upset and angry while looking for things can be counterproductive and unsustainable. Here's how to find things productively.

1. Ask who had it last. (Only applicable if the item you are looking for is communal or often borrowed)

2. Ask the people who live with you if they have seen your item. (Only applicable if you live with other people)

3. Check your backpack/handbag/laptop carrier/ etc.

4. Check the laundry. First the clothes you were wearing when item was lost if possible, including your coat/outerwear. Then the machines, then unwashed clothes. (Only applicable if item can fit in a pocket)

5. Check your car. Look in the console, the glove box, under the seats, in the cracks between the seat and door, the seat and the console, etc. (Only applicable if item ever goes in the car and if item is small enough to be hiding in those places.)

6. Check the areas that you were around when you lost the item. ADHD will have you putting shit in the weirdest of places. It tends to happen when we get distracted by our next task. If you can figure out what task you did directly after having that item in your hand, it could help you figure out where the item is.

For Example: If I were looking for scissors and did all the previous steps, and I know I made a sandwich today after I last saw the scissors, I'd check the cheese/deli meat drawer, the produce drawer, and the condiment shelf in the fridge.

7. Narrow down areas where the item is most likely to be.

For example; I would look for my pill boxes on my bed. If they weren't on my bed, they might have fallen off, so thats one area to look. I would continue to look for my pill boxes in the kitchen, since thats where I get water to take them with. Maybe I check the bathroom as well for the same reason. Basically ask yourself 'what do I use the item for and where do I use the item?'

8. Begin focusing your effort on cleaning those areas. You may have to clean 2-5 mini areas (like a two square foot space) or more. (I will make another post on how to clean... Someday. You can search for it in the future by searching 'How to Clean' on this blog, but I might not have made it yet so. Patience is a virtue I guess?)

9. Acceptance. Sometimes, you just won't find it. In these cases you can:

A. Buy a new one.

B. Make a new one.

Or C. Wait for the item to show up randomly in 1 week- 5 years.

#adhd #coping skills #neurodivergent #adhd hacks #autism

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moonlight-yuyu · 1 year

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Hiii my love🌷💕

How are you?

Now I came to your blog to request something! I was thinking if I could get an ateez astrology (love) or written shipp? 🥰

I’ll let here my infos and let you choose who is the best for me!

So here’s my big 6

Sun: Pisces | moon: Gemini | ascendant: Pisces

Mercury: Aquarius | Venus: Pisces | mars: Aries

Written part haha

Well I’m 2002 line, from 22/02. Talking about physical appearance I’m not tall honestly hahaha I have a dark brown hair but I’ll change it and do a Oreo hair like Wooyoung (again)!!! 🥹💕 I’m a intj 6w5 don’t know if it changes something hahaha well about my personality I’m a quiet person, but with friends I’m more extrovert. Not loud at all but when I get too excited I talk more loudly hahaha Wooyoungie mood. Usually I’m the quiet emo sibling in the friend group but I always end it acting like a mom. But even that I take care of my friends, people says I’m someone cold? Like just hard to read and approach (even I think I’m very friendly) but I have to admit that sometimes I have a bad attitude and can’t deny my sarcastic ass (but I grew up only with scorpios so I have an excuse) I don’t think I’m cold, just selective because there’s some people that don’t deserve our time and energy. Ngl I have some kinda combo with mommy and daddy issues and it is a SHIT but I really like to joke about because is better laugh than cry (who can blame me, a psychologist is very expansive these days). Fun fact I hate use emojis Ik I use a lot but it’s because I’m afraid people will think I’m being rude or cold hearted so I use it (I heard it a lot). I LOVE dance, honestly my dream was be a professional dancer but I’m a little old to archive it. I’m insanely in love with music, I even work in group of radios, with 10 radios to be exact. I know kpop since 2010 because of my grandma yes I know that’s weird but yes because of my grandma hhahahaha I’m Brazilian and learned English by myself so sometimes I do some mistakes since I didn’t had a teacher and now I don’t have enough time to study English again because im in university, working and I also exercise and study Korean. Fun fact I can’t stay with empty head because I go crazy so I do a lot of things (not me trying to not say adhd). I love tulips like a insane love for tulips and butterflies. I love to read, clean the house, asmr (I spend HOURS of my night that I could be sleeping just to see people restocking their kitchen with asmr sounds, is my therapy). I like make up, I like astronomy as well and I love to write. I don’t like spiders and sun. Yes is weird I don’t like sun but is because one time I stayed too much in sun that my skin burns and since then I avoid sun. I love animals and have one dog, one frog, birds and I wanted a cat and a snake but I can’t sadly. Don’t know what more to add here, but since is too long I’ll stop here! Thank you so so so much honey 💕🌷

thank you so much for requesting I hope you’ll like it! and take good care of yourself !☀️✨ of course I can here you go hun <33 I hope you’ll like it and feel free to request again 🦋💙

This request made me especially happy because I can so something for such a cute, kind and lovely person 💕 I hope you'll enjoy it love! And you loving butterflies?!? Can you get any more perfect 😫😫

Astrology

I'd give you Hongkong as well but I can also see you with Seonghwa especially based on your moon, mercury and mars!

Written:

Hongjoong!! My Seonghwa x Aurora heart is still beating but from your description Hongjoong would also be perfect for you <3

#ateez #astrology #astrology ships #request #submission #kpop #kpop ships #written ships #personal ships #personality ships

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kholden83 · 1 year

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I posted 12,046 times in 2022

22 posts created (0%)

12,024 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@the-gayest-dovah

@maximum-mom

@stabbyflower

@straycatj

@farm-paws

I tagged 2,013 of my posts in 2022

#pet rat - 232 posts

#should probably tag this 'personal' or something - 36 posts

#unreality - 29 posts

#huh - 20 posts

#signal boost - 19 posts

#wow - 17 posts

#yeah - 16 posts

#fictional pet care - 12 posts

#some original content - 12 posts

#hmm - 11 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and it only came up because of that school in brisbane that tried to suddenly tried to add a bunch of anti-gay stuff to their previously ba

My Top Posts in 2022:

I'm sure we all know the post about cleaning with ADHD that suggests "Junebugging", an attitude to cleaning that as long as something is being cleaned, progress is being made, so don't worry if you somehow cleaned the kitchen table instead of the shower?

Anyway, I just junebugged my way into cleaning the outside of the front door.

I put some washing (US:laundry) on, and to help it dry (I usually hang it inside) put my hygrometer outside to see if it was worth opening up. It was only 60% outside, to inside's 70%, so I wandered around opening windows.

Kitchen window had somehow got locked, so I got the Complete house keys, which live on a lanyard, to unlock it. (I have a copy of the door key on my bike key chain, so I don't need the Complete set often)

Lanyard was mouldy somehow, so I hung it on the doorknob to wipe it over with isopropyl alcohol.

After that, the bit of the door that got wiped incidentally was way cleaner, and showing up how dirty the rest of the door was, so I got some wipes out and cleaned that too. For the first time since I lived here, some 5 years now.

After I typed that, I looked up the original post to just double check, and it defined junebugging a little differently to how I had recalled it, but my thinking here was inspired by it.

Anyway, after that, I'd accidentally removed one more wipe from the packet than I needed for the door, and my grubby fingers had got it dirty, so I cleaned the light switches. The one in the kitchen was filthy, I'm not sure it had ever been cleaned, tbh.

3 notes - Posted April 20, 2022

I finally got around to scheduling my COVID booster. I very cleverly scheduled it for a Monday afternoon, shortly after my daycentre finishes to save a trip into Town, and before I have a couple of days with nothing on, just in case I have side effects.

Only. I forgot that today is a public holiday, and my day centre is closed, so I don't save a trip into town, and there is in fact a small possibility that the chemist itself won't be open, and the website just let me schedule for this arvo because the public holiday hadn't been programmed in. I did actually mean to ring up and check, but I forgot.

I could have rescheduled for next week, but I've already put it off for months, so I decided to just go anyway

3 notes - Posted June 13, 2022

ARGH! Four electorates still in doubt in the whole country, and one of them is mine. I just want to know who our MP is!

4 notes - Posted May 27, 2022

Well, it finally got me. I have COVID.

I'm at camp, and woke up this morning feeling like a truck hit me, and left a buncha sludge in my lungs.

So I left the cabin, and hung out on the verandah until someone in authority woke up so I could ask for a test. Which was positive. Really positive, the line was really clear before it even finished developing.

Currently back on the verandah, waiting for a family member to come retrieve me.

About an hour ago I coughed so hard I puked.

5 notes - Posted December 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I am so just over all this rain

Not as much as the residents of Lismore, I guess, but even without dangerous flooding this is too much water.

6 notes - Posted March 2, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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adulting-help · 4 months

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New Year, New Pinned Post

Hello! I'm Lankie, and this is my side blog for helping with adulting. Please feel free to submit ideas or asks if you have recommendations or specific topics you need help with.

Some things worth knowing:

First: a little about me

I'm queer and disabled. I have both physical disabilities (migraines and chronic pain) and mental (ADHD, PTSD, bipolar disorder, and generalized anxiety are the big ones).

I also have four cats, a spouse (who I often call just "Spouse" in online spaces), and a whole bunch of D&D characters I don't get to talk about as much as I'd like to. Which may mean another side blog just for D&D stuff in the future. And I live in the USA.

So, this blog is written from this specific perspective.

Second: why this blog exists

I have a bunch of friends for whom I am the "responsible adult" because the adults in their lives have failed them. Frankly, the adults in my life failed me as well, so I have had to figure out a lot of the "adulting" on my own. So, to help those friends (and others like us), I want to make a place where folks can go to find some advice on things that maybe they didn't learn growing up. Or, maybe, some things they learned that they don't like.

What do I mean "learned but don't like"? Say you learned that there was only one "correct way" to clean a kitchen, but that way never quite works for you. That's a thing you "learned but don't like." So, you need a new way to clean the kitchen.

Third: I am human, and I make mistakes

I will not always give the best advice that everyone can follow. I will do my best to give you the best advice I can as often as I can. I will try to make it as accessible as I can. But I cannot account for everything, as much as I may try.

Fourth: modify or ignore as you see fit

Please feel free to modify any of my suggestions to work better for you. Please feel free to ignore advice you don't need or don't feel you need.

#literally posting this just to pin it

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hotpinkandlimegreenlovinfangirl · 1 year

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Some Things About Me

It's time I share some of my other limits and conditions outside my high-functioning autism, as a result of an incident where I reblogged a post on a media stereotype and posted a rash comment.

In addition, I have anxiety disorder, ADHD, a visual tracking disorder that increases the likelihood that I'll miss something in a blog post or other written material, OCD tendencies, and scrupulosity, an OCD subtype focused on morality and/or religion.

Due to my autism, I have had a very hard time letting things go lately. (Look up fixation/perseveration if you're curious or have no clue).

Due to the OCD tendencies and scrupulosity, I am perfectionistic and always want to do the right thing, which can be detrimental at times.

The perfectionistic aspect of OCD/scrupulosity and the fixation/perseveration aspect of autism can (or appear to) mix, which is a pain in the rear end.

When I posted that very hotheaded comment, others commented about my behavior and came at me via reblogs. When I tried to apologize and explain what was going on and how any of these disorders likely contributed to my rash comment, a couple of people replied and failed to put themselves in my shoes before telling me not to blame it on my autism or weren't understanding of how I tend to fully process things way after I've done them due to any of the aforementioned disorders.

And people's negative replies were making me really anxious and making it difficult for me to let the issue go.

Fortunately, I am scheduled to see my therapist very soon about the fixation issue and how I can manage it better.

As for the scrupulosity, I haven't gotten a spiritual director, but I will get one very soon.

But due to this incident, my activity on Tumblr will be limited to posting my content, reblogging fan art, reading clean and wholesome fanfiction until I start seeing my therapist again. So for the time being, that means no reblogging posts on Catholicism, media tropes and even hot takes on different things about my fandoms with my own two cents.

I'd appreciate it if people would support my self-care efforts by refraining from posting further negative replies to any reblogs I may have posted with my commentary.

I enjoy commenting on other people's posts and sharing my thoughts and experiences. Once I have the tools I need to manage the fixation/perfectionism issue, I hope to carry on doing so in the future.

#autism #adhd #ocd #anxiety #scrupulosity #visual tracking isssue #all of these things impact me #going to see my therapist #getting a spiritual director #practicing self-care #please support me by not posting any more negative replies my mental health will thank you #several of them overlap causing a lot of difficulties

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sunlitmcgee · 2 years

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Im sorry your having such a hard time at your Job i would also like fluff in such a time and totally understand that the way things are like now just makes things harder. I would also like for things to get back to the way they were and get Sad because it wont. And I dont think you should feel bad for complaining about it on your blog. Also are you able to look for another job? Anyway im sending you happy vibes and well wishes and hope things start looking up for you soon

Hi anon <3 thank you for the vibes. I would like to look for another job. Hopefully one that's less fast paced and more fun for higher pay. It's just that rn I don't have my driver's license, and I rlly rlly have been struggling to get it back before my permit expired due to adhd and anxiety and intrusive thoughts making me feel REALLY fucking bad each time I got behind the wheel.

Ideally, I'd like to work in a smaller business where I could just stock shelves or clean or help out with only a handful of customers. But sadly there's not many stores like that around me in walking/biking distance. So i'm kinda stuck until I can get over the whole car issue :") mental illness has won this battle for today </3 sadge

#ask #this became a big rant but AAAAAA whatev

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aliveanddying · 2 years

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TW: pedophilia, SA details

I wanted to write a little bit of this everyday, but honestly I'm not sure if I have PTSD or ADHD because I'm constantly overwhelmed by things that are well in my power and ability to do. And I keep adding to my list of things I want to do, but never end up managing to achieve them. In my list of things to do, I have three collaborative creative projects running, finding a job, cleaning my house (which is about a million things bundled into one), re-doing my room, and countless creative projects of my own - dozens of unfinished paintings, designs and written pieces, and now this... Sometimes I feel like all of these things weigh so heavily on my brain that eventually my head will explode like this video of a watermelon getting crushed by a hydraulic press: https://youtu.be/Nerd5EgqR5s

The song below is what I decided to name this blog after, it's a song I really love and I feel like it's nostalgia, sunlight, summer, bittersweetness, sadness, and the aches and pains of leaving or saying goodbye all rolled up into one. It makes me think of the old flat I grew up in which was knocked down about 12 years ago, taking with it all spatial evidence of my abuse and the home that shaped me as a human being back then. It reminds me of the chubby little child I was, waving & smiling at my friends as we left the area after playing together everyday for years on the tiny patch of tarmac we were allowed to play on, constantly littered with glass bottles, needles and condoms. It reminds me of the tiny kitchen we had, painted sage green and equipped with yellow kitchen appliances from the 80's and a little interior window that looked in from the living room which I'd watch my mum cooking through. All the while, alive and dying because I was being abused at the same time. I love that wordplay, alive and dying - because you can be alive while constantly feeling like you're racing death for an unknown finish line.

That's what abuse feels like... knowing that yes, you're alive and your heart is beating in your chest, but feeling like your soul hovers above somewhere, not really living. Dying slowly while randomly feeling the exhilaration of life when doing things like drinking too much, chatting to older men at the pub, feeling your heart become encased in crystals of ice when you realise the danger you could be in, and when I was much younger, riding my bike way too fast in the road with no hands on my handlebars. In my late teens and early adulthood, this also manifested in the unhealthy habit of getting high everyday, eventually more for the numbness than the exhilaration, and when I was dating, having sex everyday.

It's interesting how abuse affects your sex drive and what you like during sex. One of my abusers forced oral sex on me, so I hated giving blowjobs. But the way that pedophiles thrive is through making you want to feel special to them and stay in their good graces, and as a result I felt like I should never say no to men when they ask, always wanting to make them happy. Without being good at sex, I was completely worthless.

My idea of consent was also extremely skewed. My first (real) kiss was at 18 years old - my ex kissed me suddenly at the end of our first date, and I expected it, allowed it and wanted it. But as it progressed, I felt my body freeze up, my skin break into goosebumps and my soul leave my body to watch down from above as it did when I was young and kissing my abuser. I scared him by sitting in silence for the rest of the time I waited for my bus, feeling the streetlights melt into my peripheral vision and the cold January air paint my brown skin three shades paler. But in the remaining six months that we stayed together, as well as the years we kept fucking, I always kissed him. I didn't have such a visceral reaction after that, it was more that I didn't enjoy kissing unless I was high or drunk out of my mind, and sometimes I would find myself 6 years old again, thinking about how much spit he had and counting the seconds until we were done.

However, I loved sex. Real sex that was violent and vivid and made me feel alive. My abusers weren't very giving, so to speak, so I loved essentially getting worshipped in bed, but also choked so that my heart pounded so loud that I could feel the vibrations in my fingertips. My ex enjoyed the worship, but one day explained that he hated hurting me and even though it was all play, he didn't like to slap me or choke me and feared he could really hurt me. I loved him for caring enough to not want to hurt me, and choosing me over the sex I could provide.

It's interesting how abuse also made me feel as though every relationship I have is transactional. If I gave my ex a blowjob, I expected to be treated better, because I gave such a big piece of myself to him. But its 5:30am so this is a conversation for another day.

Goodnight (morning?) ✨️

#Spotify

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gamesbyalbie · 2 years

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Hi Albie, I've just come across your IF blogs and your works sound really interesting! I can't wait to get to know more about them! Your ideas are so interesting. I'm so curious, what's the brainstorming process like for you?

Thank you so much! ❤️

I rarely examine the way that I think and do things, so this was really fun. It got kind of long so I'll put it under the cut.

TLDR: for me brainstorming's mostly allowing my ADHD brain to roam and asking lots of questions; in general, my thoughts aren't linear so I've learned to embrace this and find ways to work with my brain instead of trying to fight/restrain it; also voice memos are my best friend.

So, trying to analyze my weird brain (affectionate), I generally have three different brainstorming modes I consciously or unconsciously slip into.

The first is unintentional brainstorming: either ideas will randomly pop into my head or I'll start zoning out and go down a rabbit hole which leads to an interesting idea. I often do this unprompted but I can also stimulate this type of thinking by engaging in mindless tasks like cleaning or working out and then encouraging my mind to wander and disassociate from the task at hand. This kind of brainstorming produces most of my interesting and random ideas, so, if I'm looking for an idea to springboard off of, this is where I start.

Most of these ideas involve combining dissimilar things and imagining how they'd work together, taking something I enjoy and flipping it on its head/approaching it from a new perspective, or just long strings of questions: "what if?" "why not?" "what would happen?" etc. I think that my ADHD brain really thrives with this and can come up with some strange stuff that turns into something really compelling.

For example: what if a demon got screwed over in a pact instead of the other way around? who would a demon least like to be stuck with? what would be the worst deal in that scenario? how do you make the demon even more vulnerable? is a demon still a demon if they don't remember their past? etc.

However, my ADHD also causes me to sometimes lose these thoughts since my mind quickly wanders off to something else. So, the key for me has been finding a way to record my ideas before I forget them. For that, voice memos are my best friend. My mind moves a lot faster than my hands, so, if I can, I'll record a short random thought or even an entire brainstorming session where I'm just voicing all my thoughts out loud in case I run into something interesting. If I'm in a setting where I can't record a voice memo without it seeming weird, I'll text myself whatever I can get down in time (this also makes for a pretty strange/amusing one-sided chat history). Sometimes I'll also use the notes app on my phone, but for whatever reason I default to texting.

The second mode is purposeful brainstorming where I sit down with the intent to figure out a piece of a story or details about a specific character. With this I start asking questions again, but more targeted. I also normally type or handwrite all my ideas down without organizing them into something coherent (I'll come back and do that later). It's best to let my mind do it's own thing rather than attempting to restrain it, a fact I've struggled to accept since I was taught to follow certain "writing rules" which just don't work for me.

There are many trains of thought zooming through my head at any point in time and these thoughts are also typically non-linear. When I was younger I'd try to force my brain to work things out chronologically - this happens, then this, then this - but I often found myself getting frustrated or stuck while my mind moved on to irrelevant ideas. I come up with my best ideas when I stop trying to reign my thoughts in and accept that these thoughts might not make sense now, but I can make sense of them later (like generating the pieces to a puzzle with only a vague sense of the image it'll look like in the end).

With this mode of brainstorming, if I do get genuinely stuck or if I'm unsatisfied with the ideas I'm generating, then I'll start thinking about ideas, plots or characters that I like and break down what it is about them which I find appealing or interesting. I'll come up with a few and then, like with the first mode, try combining these unconnected traits and see how they could work with each other. It helps to read a lot, watch many shows/video essays, read random articles, analyze good and bad films, etc. to build a diverse library of things you enjoy that you can be inspired from (or that you know to steer away from).

I also try to physically tailor my environment to the project/idea I'm trying to work on. This normally involves ambient sound videos, candles/incense, colored lighting, certain clothes/fabrics, etc. I then try to replicate that same vibe every time I work on that project. This helps me more easily refocus on an idea and stay focused on it without slipping into unintentional brainstorming.

The third brainstorming mode is the one that will might sound the weirdest to others. When I'm having trouble with the dialogue of a scene, the psychology of a character, or I just randomly feel inspired, I'll record myself speaking as characters and just improvise dialogue or internal monologues which I can return to later and see if they work. I don't know if that's my inner-actor showing, but I find it really helpful; both for dialogue and getting to know the characters better. Allowing myself to act as them for a bit gives me a much deeper understanding of who they are. You can do this process without recording yourself and it's still really helpful, but I always record them with my voice memos app. Voice memos are like my good idea safety net. Crucially, I then give the notes very specific titles so I don't have to go sifting through dozens of voice memos to find what I want.

I hope that answers your question. Probably more info then you were looking for but there you go. :)

#thanks for the ask!#i really appreciate it #and thanks for thinking my work is interesting :)#albie's corner #asks

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trustyourgutblog · 5 years

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❁ Intro. Q&A with S&C ❁

❁ What is your favorite type of movement?

S: I struggled with movement for a long time. Exercise was categorized as a chore in my brain growing up. I had parents who LOVED running, yet running always made me feel like I was dying. I discovered yoga in late high school. Last year, I completely fell in love with a studio that incorporates HIIT, core, and heat to create a dynamic workout. I'm obsessed! It's my therapy, workout, community, and whole heart in one. I also love that yoga is a competition against yourself - constantly bettering your own practice, rather than focused on competition against others.

C: Growing up I was always active and involved in sports like basketball and track. I’ve ALWAYS hated the running aspect, but every now and then I’ll go for a jog outside if it’s nice out. Now that I get to choose my workouts, I enjoy a combination of lifting, yoga, and HIIT workouts. My workout split typically looks like 4 days of lifting and HIIT and 1-2 days of yoga. On rest days, I always start my mornings with a short yoga flow or light stretching. I also enjoy the hot yoga classes that S talked about above! Hot yoga is what brought us together :).

❁ What is your favorite way to de-stress?

S: Oh god. Anything alone. Seriously. I am extroverted until I hit my limit and once I hit that limit it is a hard crash. I recently moved to a really friendly neighborhood and have loved riding my bike to the library, curling up in my hammock, and reading a great book while listening to some instrumental tunes.

C: So many different ways! As a social worker, in order to be effective, I have to be on top of my self-care at all times. Journaling, meditation, yoga, reading, walking, and playing with my dogs and cats are some of my favorite ways to de-stress. I also find that using ear seeds helps when I’m experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety. Stay tuned for more ear seed info. in later blog posts!

❁ What is your favorite self-care strategy?

S: I need to be organized. I like knowing what food I'm going to eat the next day, having everything written out and color-coded in my planner, etc. I do really well when everything is put in its place and prepped for the next day - to a fault. I tend to deal with my high maintenance personality with obsessive organization because it is the type of self-care that directly combats my ADHD brain and keeps me functioning.

C: In addition to the ways that I de-stress above, I find a sense of calm in my weekly routine. At the beginning of the week, I enjoy cooking and meal prepping lunches for work, cleaning, and journaling my goals and intentions for the week. I have a Panda Planner that I like to use to stay organized. I also feel my best when I’m taking care of myself (i.e. focusing on eating well, being active, and maintaining my beauty/skincare routine).

❁ What are your health passions?

S: I have been on and off vegan for 6 years. I decided to start it back up at the beginning of this year, and 99% of the time I follow veganism. That's a HUGE passion of mine. I also recently started cycle syncing and I can't shut up about it!! I'm so excited to see what benefits it will provide. I'm a RYT200 yoga teacher with certifications in trauma-informed, children's, and teen yoga - I'm particularly passionate about incorporating vulnerability and mental health aspects into my practice. Lastly, I struggle with physical health (Endometriosis diagnosis) and mental health (GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder & ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder diagnosis), this has been a huge journey for me over the past two years. I am currently at a point where I manage these diagnoses really well naturally and it's important to me.

C: GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH! That is what inspired the name for this blog! I find that my gut health impacts my skin, moods, weight, energy level, and my overall well-being. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and IBD in 2016 and have been focused on healing myself with a combination of Western Medicine-based medication, nutrition and journaling food sensitivities, vitamin supplements, movement, and strategies to improve my mental health. Don’t get me wrong - I’m very passionate about mental health in general as I’m a practicing therapist, however, I tend to get burnt out on focusing on mental health only as it is often difficult for my consumers to incorporate a holistic approach. I am also passionate about movement and working on my fitness, as Fergie would say. There’s something uplifting about accomplishing a new fitness goal whether it’s increasing my weights in lifting or holding a headstand in yoga (still working on that one lol).

❁ What led you to wholistic wellness?

S: I had parents who made a huge lifestyle change right after my freshman year of high school. As a family, we went vegan cold turkey (or is it cold tofurkey? pls laugh) and my Mom poured her heart and soul into researching natural alternatives. I have had my own battle with balancing traditional medicine with more holistic results. I very strongly believe in wholistic approaches - I'm not against medication by any means, but I believe it's so so important to treat the whole person and that there is no "one size fits all" approach.

C: Growing up, I didn’t think there was anything particularly “unhealthy” about my lifestyle, but reflecting back as an adult, I can definitely say that we were not a household that was focused on optimal nutrition. We drank gallons of milk and Sunny D and ate maybe a serving of canned vegetables per day. We were active, so no one in my family was overweight, but I think my parents were just raising us on foods that they grew up on (that and canning became all the rage in the 90’s). I would say that I became passionate about holistic approaches to my health shortly after I was diagnosed with Crohn’s and was trying to learn to manage my symptoms. I had a lot of inflammation in 2016 and was prescribed a low dosage of steroids until my doctor prescribed immunosuppressants to keep my immune system from attacking my colon. I began focusing on more holistic approaches when I noticed that medication alone wasn’t making me feel 100%. Sure, it stopped my active inflammation, however, I was still struggling with stomach cramping, diarrhea, and chronic fatigue. About 1 year after I was diagnosed, my husband and I moved to a larger area where I had access to more specialized medical providers. My new gastroenterologist (GI) referred me to a nutritionist who helped me to learn to identify my food sensitivities. She also referred me to a behavioral health psychologist who provided me with an outlet for my stress and anxiety. I began to learn that I was holding chronic tension in my stomach whenever I was stressed or anxious about something. That’s when I began to understand the importance of holistic health.

❁ What is your personal social media?

S: @sarahlhively on Instagram

C: @cassandruh_dee on Instagram

❁ What kind of posts can I expect to see on this blog?

S: I'm really excited to talk about managing mental health naturally (particularly anxiety), possible book recommendations, self-care, and healthy meal prepping while on a broke college student’s budget.

C: I look forward to sharing my personal experiences with navigating my chronic health issues, nutrition, FODMAPs, gut health, mental health, the gut-brain connection, fitness/movement, and self-care.

❁ Why social work?

S: It's nice to not have this question followed up by "you know you'd make much more money as _______. Is it too late to change your major?" But for real. I started college as a special education major, quickly realized I'd rather do pretty much anything other than write lesson plans, and switched to being a WGST major. I expected to be able to get a job doing advocacy work with a particular focus on LGBTQ+ & women issues. I soon realized the WGST track is for students who eventually want to do research and social work was more what I was looking for. I never looked back. The multiple directions a social work degree can be taken in, the continually changing cases, the advocacy, vulnerability, and seeking justice for people all capture my heart.

C: I have always been passionate about having a career centered around helping people. I became interested in therapy after having a particularly negative experience with a therapist that my dad sent me to when I was getting caught in the middle of my parent’s divorce and I experienced some trauma. I originally pursued psychology, however, fell into social work when I figured out that there are so many different opportunities available for MSWs. I truly love my job and feel grateful to be compensated (FYI times have changed and not all social workers make next to nothing - thank the universe) for serving the children and families on my caseload

#wellness #holistic #vegan #health #health & fitness #nutrition #self healing #mental health #social work #yoga #movement #guthealth #chronic disease

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childfreeisthewaytobe · 6 years

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Being a modern parent is terrible. I'd give my left kneecap to have parented in the 70s or 80s when all you had to do to be considered a good mom is to remember to wind down the windows when you smoke in the car.

I'm not cut out for this. Do you know what I've been doing this morning? VITAMIN SHOPPING. For 45 minutes I've been comparing children's vitamins, reading online reviews, and, inflammatory blog posts backed by no science that I both fear and respect.

I own two good bras but I'm ready to spend upwards of $100 on children's vitamins, probiotics (these look like finely pressed cocaine and tastes like nothing but if you don't buy it your child dies), and supplements.

Do you know what vitamins I had growing up? NONE. DAYLIGHT WAS MY VITAMIN. Occasionally, once a year tops, my mom would get us those chalky Flinstones vitamins that looked liked kidney stones but we'd only have to eat them for a few days before she lost interest in our health.

Someone told me my kids need fish oils that cost $60. The closed thing I had to fish oils as a child was whatever the Gorton's fisherman caught, breaded, and fried. Once I got a Kid Cuisine with fish sticks as well because they were on special. Fish oils are apparently important for brains but I'm almost positive that like vaginas brains are mostly self-cleaning and don't need special soaps.

I'd been buying my kids' vitamins at the same place I purchase extension cords and wine coolers but recently heard that the Disney Pixar Cars gummy vitamins are sugary trash that cause leprosy and ADHD, so now I'm on the market.

Nothing about modern parenting is simple and it irritates me. I've seen the way some parents look at me when I give my son a juice box at the park. It's juice, not Red Bull or margarita mix so calm down, Jackie yes I said your name.

When I was a kid I lived on Tampico. That's orange juice for poor people. It's sold by the gallon, is thickened with puréed welfare checks, comes in three colors (government-cheese orange, about-to-start-selling-blood-plasma red, and I-can't-afford-these-kids-shoulda-pulled-out blue). My parents bought this fruit-free juice with food stamps and despite my ongoing mental problems, I'm fine.

So now, I'm about to spend an electricity bill on vitamins because in 2016, you don't really love your kids if you're not a paranoid mess about their physical well being and willing to spend a small fortune on dye-free toothpaste made in the woods that tastes like eldeberry and privilege.

If you need me, I'll be in front of my computer crying bitter tears and searching for phthalate-free bubble bath. I don't even know what a phthalate is.

#child free #childfree #wow

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