#I’m unemployed and relying on my art right now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hel7l7 · 3 months

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hey there, been following you for quite a while now and never told you that your art just... hits really hard, right where it should. I'm struggling with bpd as well, and I want to ask you, but I don't even know what would I ask. I just feel so disconnected from everything right now, especially people, and I need someone who understands so I want to think you're the person who understands. anyway. how does it feel? how do you deal with it? is your skin ever comfortable? do you ever know how to talk to other people without thinking and feeling too much? do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger? what does feeling feel like? do you think you'll ever be able to love yourself exactly for what you are? do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

sorry if this is a bit incoherent and too much... I just need to ask. sending lots of love your way

Dear anon, I hope you still see this even though my reply came a little late. My heart goes out to you. Because I understand your questions, I feel you. I really do. I hope you feel a little less alone in it all knowing that I’m here, rooting for you. If I can make these little steps in the healing process, then so can you. You’ve got this. Stay strong. <3

The whole bpd diagnosis is a wild ride. How do I deal with it? Through art. Through therapy. Through talking with friends. Through trial and error.

I don’t really talk about this very often, but I’m unemployed and unable to work or go to school at the moment. So I deal with it but I'd love to be able to do more… Every time I try to pick something up I often end up finding out it is too much for me and ends me in crisis. (note: all of this is currently more bcs of my ptsd than my bpd) It’s a process of trying and figuring it out. I believe I'll get there, it has been better at times, and it has been worse at times. Currently I’m working a very very low level “job” that I really like. Which is going quite alright so far. It’s only a few hours every week but it is better than nothing. Please note that I’m not happy with this situation, I would love to be able to work or go to school. My country has a pretty well working system in which I’m glad to be able to rely on resources when I’m not well enough to support myself financially.

Is my skin every comfortable? Yes. It never was before. But it has become easier. It really has become easier. I feel everything deeply still. The good and the bad. But it does get easier. I’ve grown more accustomed to my own needs and that really helps. You’re not less worthy or less of a person because you have bpd. Bpd often stems from trauma/childhood/the past. Figuring out where my behavior was coming from helped me find better ways to cope.

Do you ever talk to other people without thinking or feeling too much? No. Lmao. I wish I could give you another answer. And I think this might be different maybe for other people with bpd. ( I mean I’m only one person so it’s not like my answers are The Answers. Everyone has a different experience. )

For me, interpersonal contact is the hardest part. Always has been and maybe it always will be. I’ve become better at not acting on my thoughts and feelings. I’m often just very scared or anxious about things. But tuning out to those thoughts and focusing on other things (distraction) works very well for me when it comes to the anxiety around it.

But there’s much more about this subject I could explore. I think my whole journal-art-chaos-page just comes down to me struggling with connection/people/myself.

How do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger? By practice. By endless practice. Tell yourself the things you’d tell a friend. Sometimes when I’m very overwhelmed I try to imagine someone I love or someone I look up to sitting next to me and try to imagine what they would say to me. Or I ask myself what I’d say to a friend in a similar situation. Getting that kind-spoken dialogue going in my head often helps me set an example for how to talk to myself and help myself through this situation.

What does feeling feel like? It’s the best and the worst at the same time. I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. Maybe this is different for everyone but I’ve always loved it. When I was on antidepressants for a while I got very frustrated because I couldn’t feel the way I was used to. I experience intense love, happiness, awe, every positive feeling you can think of. And much of the time that counteracts the deep lows.

Do you ever think you’ll love yourself exactly as you are? Yes. I’ve come to realize there’s no other way. I can push myself to be someone I’m not but it does never really change who I am. Even then I’ll still be myself, trying to be someone else. Which never actually stops me from being me.

I struggle with this. Sometimes I don’t want to be who I am. This mostly comes down to me not wanting to accept that shitty things happened to me. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to face those things.

But in the end I can do whatever I want but I’ll never be someone other than myself. I can fight myself and keep pushing all my feelings down, I can neglect myself, hurt myself, hate myself, I can do all these negative hateful things towards myself. It will never change me. It will never make me someone else.

So what else is there to do?

I’ve tried neglecting myself. Never made me happier. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I’m who fought for me the hardest. In the end I was the one who was always there. I was the one who tried to survive when I thought I couldn’t.

Loving myself makes my life easier. And it’s a ride. I don’t love myself all of the time. And I still struggle to accept parts of myself that I wish were different. But I mostly wish I was able to give myself more love earlier. I mostly wish I hadn’t had to go through all that pain. I wish I never felt like I had to hurt myself to survive. ( Inner child work did help me with this a bit.)

do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

YES. All the time. It is very overwhelming to live in a world so intense while feeling everything so intensely. The good thing is that till now every moment I’ve ever thought I couldn’t go on, I still did. I still could go on. Even when I thought I couldn’t.

The hard moments do pass. In the end everything will always keep changing. The good, the bad. It is all temporary. Which is the only fact we have. But it does get easier to deal with it all.

It really fucking does.

16 year or 18 or 20 year old me wouldn’t believe where I’m at now in this all. There’s much more steps to take, but I’ve also come from very far.

#you all don't know how much love i carry for you #my heart goes out to all of you struggling #let me give you all a hug #don't give up please #anon #ask #bpd #this whole thing could have been so much longer and so much shorter #i'm sorry ;)

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explanationpoint · 6 months

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i miss the joy of asks and thought maybe you did too- so what’s your current favorite piece of media? what’s a hobby that you could talk about for hours? how are you doing personally?

I wish I could give a good answer on my current favorite piece of media. Maybe adventure time? Possibly Trick ‘r Treat (2007)? I showed it to some friends and they loved it, which was awesome. Embarrassingly, I keep finding myself listening to the new Drake album. That man is a train wreck and it is hard to look away. the music is pretty here and there frankly but I laughed a lot.

I have a few hobbies, and I could talk about all of them. But I write rap songs and whenever people like to listen, I’ll tell them stories about rappers and artists from the past. Did you know MC Hammer had shooters? Like you really really did not wanna diss MC Hammer in the 90s. A lot of rappers didn’t like him because they thought he was too poppy (and he is) but they sure didn’t wanna say his name. and hip hop and further, music is just full of outrageous stories or interesting artistic things to talk about and I could do it forever. But I’m also in a media-related class again, learning more about photos and filmmaking and I could easily talk about all that for just as long. Sometimes I feel like I talk too much, I’m trying to listen more.

And wowww I have been up and down. I moved home. I didn’t really want to move home. I broke up. I’m not sure I would have broken up if I didn’t have to move home. But I think the breaking up was for the best, even though it’s been difficult with being *that kind* of alone after four years of being in love (like the “I am seriously trying to spend the rest of my life with this person” kind of love). it’s a pretty big adjustment. i’ve had a series of weird, intense, totally unrequited crushes. my feelings are super intense. it might have something to do with my body going through a second puberty lol. despite all that i intend on taking things slowly if i get involved with anyone. i know that i can’t rely on a relationship to save me or make my life make sense. i have to do better for myself. and i have sort of, and some things are really better and less stressful. my parents aren’t exactly okay with me being trans (love you mom!) but they aren’t kicking me out or flushing my meds. Which is great! But it gets pretty hard sometimes.

I’m loving school. It’s an easy avenue to make new friends (i’ve got a few now, if you can believe it), and this is the first time I’ve been studying something artsy and I’m finding it very satisfying. I feel like I’m learning a lot, mostly about how to manifest my ideas, and I guess it’s making me more confident that I’m capable of making things that are like, good. it’s sort of always been a struggle to believe I deserved good things or that I could do good things. a lot of people in my adult life have tried to tell me that I was capable and could make my way in the world with my creativity/art stuff. and i guess burning out as hard as i have (i am unemployed and have a masters degree. it isn’t in art stuff. or stuff that easily makes money. i’m kind of a dummy) but it’s sort of given me a second chance. the school I’m at right now is very cheap compared to what i did before and i feel like i’m getting a lot more out of it. i know way more about photography and photoshop than I did a month or two ago and it’s nice to have another way to express and let the ideas flow.

i hope i don’t sound too conceited about my stuff, because well. i’m actually super critical about all of it. and myself. and every mistake i’ve made in my life and how i got here etc etc etc. But there’s no point in just rolling around in my self-loathing. I have to keep moving, finally be a person. Nobody is coming to make it easier. I have to do better. And I can’t pretend to be something I’m not, in more ways than one. none of its easy but all of it’s living, and it’s what I need to do. because trust me, i’ve considered the other options. if that’s not too dark. at least i have some excuses for the arrested development. and thank you for asking. i also miss the joy of asks! it’s lovely to think that someone is out there looking at my little rants and thinking about me and my life. i’m sorry if my prose is a little robotic. sometimes my words just flow off the top and sometimes i gotta break them out of the firmament. but really, thank you

#anon #anonymous #anon ask #cause i want you to see this #is that weird to say?

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lets-ignore-that · 2 months

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Hey im curious to know how do you have the energy to take art requests while you have a job? I’m an artist too and I take requests but I realized they can be exhausting because of me not familiar with the characters including OCs so it’s hard for me to draw . Got any advice?

well as of right now im unemployed due to moving states, but i still do about 6 hours of outside work a day, anyways, i always draw about 2 requests at the same time every day, and thats before bed for me, so i always take out a little chunk of my day just for requests. As for the unfamiliarity, people are always nice enough to send me pictures thank goodness, i heavily rely on the pictures.

I definitely know the feeling of exhaustion youre talking about though, and its harder for me to work on these then it is for me to do my usual fnaf stuff. If its easier, i would do one request a night, and from experience, always limit the amount of requests youre going to take, its much easier to say youre only taking 10 compared to 30 different people asking you. I'm also very clear as to when the requester will see their art, so id give them a rough estimate as to how long it will take, saves everyone a lot of impatience!

Hope this helps!

#answers to ignore

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vulturereyy-scribbles · 2 years

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Please read!

Hey y'all. I know seeing me beg is probably getting old, but I'd really appreciate if you give this thread a read for my situation. I'm not sure what more I can do anymore. After getting strung along by a very promising job offer for months only to be fired immediately on the second day because I was 5 minutes late on the first due to the bus + "didn't engage with the team" (Despite the fact we only met for an hour and I was asking questions??) I immediately tried to turn back to the job I had left to make room for this one (I was also unable to afford transportation to my former job anymore) since my managers were sad to see me go. There's a new location closer to me, but I keep getting no response when I ask about getting on the schedule. I have been applying nonstop to jobs for... Since I moved here, really. It took me 3 months to find the shit job I was at before that barely paid my bills. I have gotten no less than 100+ 'no's or crickets from places. I think I've sent out well over 500 applications this year so far. Remote, local, food service, retail, fucking anything. This past round I've actually been getting interviews, but so far all of them have been no afterward. I've been to about five thus far. And they are also costly to get to. The bus system where I live is extremely unreliable and has been very unsafe to me (I have been followed + maliciously approached multiple times) so I have had to rely on uber to be on time to places. I don't have a choice. I'm disabled, poor as fuck, and don't have a car. Each interview I go to to be told 'no' has cost between 15-20 bucks each round trip, just to be there for 15-30 min. This is unsustainable given my current fucking predicament of not having money, but I don't know how else I can do this. I'm not going to be followed home again. My emergency commission queue has a decent amount of folks in it, but it is never enough to cover anything even totaled. My wrists have been in agony for days. Today I broke down crying over a piece because doing art has become painful. But it's my only income right now. I don't qualify for unemployment, believe me, I've checked multiple times. I'm not unemployed for long enough, and I didn't make enough for it to be considered a 'devastating enough' loss I guess. I'm waiting on my application for EBT. I've tried looking for local rent assistance or grants and have found nothing that I qualify for. I'm 1k+ in debt with care credit because of my cat's pancreatitis, and about the same amount in debt to various friends who have been generous in loaning me some cash. But it's not enough in this hell state. I didn't make rent this month. If I do not start a job this week, I will likely not make rent next month either. I have been looking for places to possibly move to that are cheaper, but not only would moving be an extreme cost, but I moved to this horrible city because it was the ONLY place in Florida I could afford at the time with two roommates. The house is falling apart. We've got black mold in almost every room. Bugs get in constantly and there's literally no insulation, I'm not joking. It got up to 90 degrees inside over summer. I don't know what more I can do in my situation. Taking on more emergency commissions is not something I can do with how I've damaged my wrists and hands, and I am already so burned out I wouldn't be giving my best work. I also don't want to scam people unintentionally by not being able to complete the piece but also not being able to refund. I'm trying to sell my collectables, but I barely owned anything expensive to begin with, and I need my laptop and tablet to make the tiny amount I can off art and apply for jobs. I don't know where I am going with this to end, but I'm just. Out of options. I don't know what to do. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know. I'm trying so fucking hard. If you have anything to spare and want to, both my cashapp and venmo are Vulturereyy. I've also got a goal on ko-fi to try and cover the rest of what i owe for this months' rent and maybe meet the next one's, but its unlikely at this point. My average monthly costs usually come out to about $700 If you've made it this far... Thank you. I wish I had more hope for what the future holds for me. At time of writing, I have an interview in 6 hours, but I am too sick with dread to sleep. If you need any side work, know of any remote jobs, anything... Feel free to reach out.

#help #lgbtq+#queer #disabled #adhd #autistic #ko fi support #donations #struggling #artist #art commissions

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loquaciousquark · 4 years

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I hope you're doing well! I know you posted about a stressful situation last month, and I hope it's resolved itself. Sending good wishes you you and Hamlet!

Thank you so very much for checking in on me! I really do appreciate it. An update to that post under the cut.

Carol, who moved in with me on May 28, is still here. Right now, we have set a tentative move-out goal of the first or second week of August, but this is pending an apartment application that she hopes to finalize on Monday and a job situation that is a complete mess.

Basically, according to my limited understanding, Carol is licensed to teach in Florida. Alabama has a reciprocity clause with Florida, but it must be applied for. Carol has recently begun this process, but her teaching license(s?) is (are?) set to expire in December unless she passes certain exams. She’s already passed one for...general middle and high school teaching, I think, but failed a math exam. She has an art history exam Monday afternoon and expects to pass. I hope so, because she’s been doing nothing but watching Netflix and shopping for houses for the last few days in her new 2017 Jeep Cherokee.

I remain unspeakably grateful to my parents for teaching me financial literacy, because until I witnessed Carol’s decision-making, I had no idea how hard it was for some people to not spend money unwisely.

As a reminder, Carol is dead broke. She has $153,000 in debt across student loans, medical bills, Czech and US taxes, and some personal loans she would like to repay to friends for helping her. She is unemployed and has no support from her family and has relied on couch surfing at friends’ and acquaintances’ homes since last summer for housing. Since moving in with me, she has been trying to find somewhere to live that would accept her with all her debt and her nonexistent US employment history for the last ten years. Based on what she’s said, I think she has about $9k in the bank--or did, until last week.

In short, she needs a car, a job, and a home, and as far as I can tell she doesn’t care which order they come in.

Two weeks ago, she was offered a position in a rural town about 30 minutes from where I live. It’s a small, very country town which desperately needs a special education teacher, something I think Carol really does have a passion for. However, because she hasn’t finished the reciprocity licensure application yet, they’re having a lot of roadblocks with her paperwork, compounded by the fact that when she left Prague last year, she left all her important documentation behind: things like her birth certificate, her social security card, and her letters of recommendation, which for some reason she did not have electronic backups of. The principal has been trying to get what she needs from Carol for two weeks. Carol is constantly saying that things are “in process” but has nothing to show for it.

As far as we can tell, the job is still hers, but the school year starts August 13th and she still hasn’t been approved by the Board of Education because the paperwork is still not finished on her end. She did not attempt to replace her birth certificate or social security card until they needed it for the application. (Her friend in Prague--and I am beginning to realize she uses the word “friend” for anyone she’s met longer than sixty seconds), who frantically packed up all her belongings when she realized she would not be able to go back to the city, cannot ship her belongings or go through them for the important paperwork until next summer, as she and her husband are currently vacationing in Rome for a year.

Carol decided last night she is also going to apply for some online Department of Defense position--I didn’t understand the details and don’t really want to know, except that it’s also teaching and some administration. We’ll see how it works out. She is growing increasingly annoyed at the principal’s requests for paperwork completion, which baffles me.

So, job: shrug? Maybe?

Car next, then, but this whole mess also goes back to the financial literacy thing. My parents have always been extremely frugal (pennywise, as my dad would say), and from childhood they made it very clear to us to not buy things you couldn’t afford. They’ve never had a car payment in my memory, and they paid off their house about ten years ago. This means they drove a lot of junkers for a very long time, and for a very long time we had very few vacations, but now they’re fully financially stable and debt-free and my mom has a car that she drove off the lot brand new that they paid cash in hand for.

If I had been in Carol’s situation, I would have found a cheap, mostly reliable used car that probably wasn’t going to explode on me and drive that as long as I could while saving up for housing. I did in fact drive her to look at several used cars, most of which would have been even outside my expected budget (hers, as it happens, is larger even than that, because one of her overseas friends was willing to contribute $5000 to the cost of a vehicle). (I paid $6500 for my current car, a 2004, in college in 2012 with 70,000 miles on it at the time, and have driven it ever since.)

She rejected all of them because they did not have good “energy” and “feelings.” One she was willing to buy at $3700, but told the seller to go pay for his own inspection (once I explained to her what mechanical inspections were as a concept), so they ghosted her. She also is extremely afraid of head gasket failure--I don’t know why, since she knows nothing about cars--and has assumed all vehicles she has driven are on the verge of it, so after the first week she refused to even look at a vehicle without a warranty.

This means she exclusively limited herself to used dealership options, which I’m just going to come right out and say was monumentally stupid. I don’t know if any car dealers follow me, so I’m sorry if I am misperceiving this, but in my experience almost every dealer I’ve gone to has been aggressive, manipulative, and extremely predatory in their interest rates. I cannot think of a riskier course of action in abject debt than to try to cut a deal with a car dealer for the sake of a warranty I doubt will cover that much truly expensive failure in the long run anyway.

On Thursday, Carol bought a $20,000 2017 Jeep Cherokee from a dealership down the road. I don’t know what she put down. I do know she did not use her friend’s money (why not??) and I know her interest rate on the car loan is 4%, which she is extremely proud of and which horrifies me. She also “persuaded” them into a limited warranty that will cover the vehicle up to 100,000 miles (currently at 42k, and they ~only offer it for cars under 40,000 miles~). I can’t tell you how bad an idea I think all this is.

Thursday night, as she was regaling me with stories of her negotiating prowess, she also tells me she has decided to buy a house. She’s sick of renting, and somehow, someone somewhere managed to get her approved for up to $120,000 in a home loan. She already has $150k in debt, another $20k from the car, and now wants to buy a house. She was delighted that she could make the minimum 7% down payment, even though it would wipe out every cent she has left and leave her less than $500 to her name for moving expenses, utilities, food, title registration, etc. afterwards.

She doesn’t even have a secure job yet.

However, this plan seems to have fallen through. She went out with a realtor several times this weekend and came home the last time in great, heaving sobs, because she can’t find the 3bed 2bath she wanted in her price range. (For reference, most homes in this area go between 200k - 250k right now for 2-3bed 2ba, and the closer you get to the city--I have about a 20 minute commute--the higher it gets. My next door neighbor sold her 3bed 2.5ba for >300k three months ago, and Carol knew this.) She was absolutely devastated that the only things in her range were “tiny little ugly flipped houses” and “the ghetto.” The realtor basically said she wasn’t going to waste any more of her time. Carol repeatedly told me how grateful I should be that I got in at the price point I did a few years back, because no “normal people” could ever afford to break into the market again.

I tried to tell her that it was because I lived in with a roommate in very cheap housing and then a cell of a 1bed 1ba apartment for eight years while I saved money, but if nothing else, I’ve learned I’m not allowed to compare our situations or histories or offer advice of any kind except “go ahead and buy what you want,” because that only makes her cry harder. In the end, she has decided to give up on the house for now and settle for the absolute last thing in the world she wanted, an apartment with a lease.

To be honest, until she has a signed contract in hand, I half-expect this lease to fall through as well. I have tried to offer what I think is sensible advice and been ignored or rebuffed. I have tried to offer a sympathetic ear and ended up with her sobbing uncontrollably on me--heaving, body-wracking sobs--over and over again with me trapped in my own home, providing endless emotional support for a girl I don’t even like. I have tried to encourage her to do the things she wants to do, since she’s going to do them anyway, and when she gets “negative energy” after the purchases (buyer’s remorse, I think, that one little inkling of sense saying maybe it wasn’t a great idea to buy a $20,000 car or an $1100 brand new iPhone without a job), she blames it on the exact thing I said I thought might be good and makes me feel like I have now directly contributed to a negative outcome after poor decision-making.

For the record, when she says these things to me she is not saying, and has never said, them directly at me. She has never blamed me in any way for a negative outcome. She is not consciously trying to manipulate me or abuse me or take advantage of my help. She has never once asked me for money or job connections or for me to use any of my stability to unfairly or unethically get her something she needs. She is just completely absorbed in her own (rightfully absorbing) mess of a situation, and I think just completely unaware of how much of an emotional black hole she has become. There are no problems except her problems. There are no needs except her needs, and everyone around her has to understand how hard she has it at all times.

So, we’ll see. I am praying that the apartment works out next week. The owner seems to want to work with her, which is a hopeful sign. Good thoughts would be appreciated.

Aside from all of this, work has gotten extremely complicated. I’m not going to go into all of it now, but one of my jobs is to create an extremely detailed schedule for students in clinic. This is used to schedule patients in each service--if we have this many students, we can have this many patient slots per half-day, etc. Last week, two students were out unexpectedly, one who broke her arm the day before she was supposed to begin, and one who had a terrible anxiety attack and thought the symptoms were actually COVID. That student was tested and cleared negative, but Student Health requires a two-week quarantine anyway, so she was not allowed to return.

This meant that we now had multiple patients per day with no one to see them. We tried to reschedule as many as we could, but we still ended up with multiple overbooks. This is extremely stressful for me as both a provider, an instructor, and a human being who hates having other people wait on her in a professional capacity. We got through the week, but not without several painful bumps, and it’s looking like there will be more soon.

I also woke up to an email this morning that one of my favorite students (yes, I have favorites, I’m sorry), had a completely unexpected death in the immediate family and had to rush home. This is a very, very sweet, very smart girl who has worked unbelievably hard over the past year to do well in this program and in my courses, and I am just devastated for her. One of her friends is willing to cover her clinic, so the impact will be minimal on that side, but to have this happen during this country’s hellhole handling of this pandemic...I can’t even imagine it.

All of this isn’t even touching COVID. The President’s side has won in that sense--I don’t even register the numbers anymore--but as of last week our dean sent out messaging that implied that with our state’s failure to contain the spread, new discussions were going to be happening soon regarding our August start. We already had committed to full hybrid scheduling: all lectures online, in-person labs only where absolutely necessary to continue advancement in the program, and those labs limited to two per room with full PPE, but if they decide even that can’t happen, I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I cannot make competent doctors over Zoom. I can’t. At some point they have to touch other people and look at other people’s eyes. They have to be able to check real, in-person blood pressure. They have to look at genuine eye movements and ocular surfaces in person and I cannot and will not let them enter clinic until they have the practice and the time and the practicals behind them. I fucking refuse to endanger the public for sixty years because someone in an office somewhere decided a timetable is more important than a patient keeping their ability to see, and I’m ready to fight administration on this if they try to push it.

But if I win the fight, what next? They just...don’t enter clinic next year. They don’t enter my program. I don’t know what they do in the meantime, as this lab meets four mornings a week and the lecture twice. The course is delayed until next year or whenever we have the virus under control again, and suddenly my fall semester sure looks like I’ll be being paid to stay at home and count carpet fibers. I don’t think they’ll fire me--no one else wants to teach my course anyway--but if I win this fight I might put myself right into furlough in the process.

I could be borrowing trouble, I know. They could come back and say that after review, our system and safety protocols (all extremely conservative) are indeed safe enough and we can proceed as we want. They could say that our limited in-person option for lectures (we have several gigantic lecture halls that could easily socially distance) is the only thing that needs to go. They could say that we just need to have smaller lab groups--hellish on me, but doable.

But it’s one more element of stress in my life that I just can’t handle worrying about right now, which is why I’ve been bouncing back and forth between random fics and oneshots (that mermaid one was feverishly written on a single evening Carol spent at her mom’s house) and pouring an ungodly amount of hours into Animal Crossing. At least there I have some control over what happens next.

Sorry, guys. I know this is not the happy update I was hoping for. I’ll try to check in again next month and we’ll see where things end up.

#quark rambles #carol #coronavirus for ts #covid-19 for ts #update post #not a happy one for those who can't handle that right now #anonymous #quark replies

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wronqness99 · 4 years

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Alone Together

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Word Count: 2.5K+

Warnings: Emotional abuse, mentions of alcoholism, unhealthy relationships

Characters: Park JaeHyung / Jae Park (Day6) X Female Reader

> About my writing

*The image doesn’t belong to me, credits to the owner.*

Y/N held her knees close to her chest as she rocked her body back and forth in an attempt to calm herself as tears streamed down her face uncontrollably.

She felt broken and saddened by everything that had happened in the last few hours. Ever since her parents' divorce, the girl had felt like she barely knew her own mother who was once a dedicated housewife and someone who she could always rely on, who was there to protect her, to help her and encourage her way through life.

She felt some much needed peace when her mother finally decided to leave the unhealthy marriage in their past, even though her father sometimes liked to scare them by trying to intrude in their lives and know more than he should with his unhealthy addiction to alcohol, which made them fear for their lives sometimes. It enraged Y/N how the man couldn't seem to understand what he had done wrong for them to leave, the irreparable damage he had done to his own flesh and blood. She knew things were not going to be easy, but she never expected such a sudden dramatic change.

Y/N couldn't help it, her mother's new behaviour messed with her head more than she would like to admit and it became the reason for the loud screaming and fighting between the women quite often which would then lead to heartbreak and tears. It was like a cycle. Her mother liked to turn things on her and make her feel guilty by saying Y/N didn't want her happiness whenever the girl tried to reason and calmly explain why it bothered her so much seeing the older woman contact multiple men through the internet, but everything became worse when Y/N discovered her mom lied to her in order to go out with those men without her knowledge. This strained their relationship in an incredibly irreparable way. The one she had always trusted with everything was now failing her in avail of other people. She had been there to support her mother through the difficulties with the marriage and never left her side all the way through the divorce process, while most of their family just pitied the alcoholic man who had been unemployed for years and would never make anything of himself. Yet, despite all of that, she seemed to have just become something replaceable for her mother, like a rag who had become too old and could no longer serve its purpose. The woman always rubbed the sacrifices she made for the younger on her face in order to guilt trap her, but failed to see how many times her daughter had stopped living her life and doing things people her age were supposed to just to be by her side and somehow protect her. She didn't like to go to parties or stay out late with friends, she never went to sleepovers and whenever her family members invited her to go on holiday with them, Y/N would always refuse. She didn't want her mother to feel alone, she didn't want anything to happen to her best friend.

This time around, however, their fight had been on another level and it blew completely out of hand. Y/N had begged her mother not to go meet that guy. She was tired of seeing her mom jumping from man to man, the older having had her know of two different relationships within the span of less than a year, but she knew there were more. It pained her extremely and she couldn't understand how her relationship with the older woman had always been enough for them both until the moment of divorce when it just wasn't anymore. She felt like she had lost her mother.

Even though Y/N was used to her mother not listening to her, she was not expecting the woman to tell her such hurtful, poisonous words. And they fought. Yet again. But this time it was louder, uglier and made her cry more than ever before. It made her never want to see the woman ever again, she felt like her heart was ripped out of her chest.

That was the first time her mother had ever put a relationship with any man she had barely even known before the special, loving one she once had with her daughter.

"Do you think you'll stop me from seeing him just because you can't get used to it? You're worthless. If your behaviour doesn't change you will end up alone. Jae won't be willing to keep up with your nasty personality for much longer." Her mother had said. And Y/N went quiet, the words resonating again and again inside her head. She didn't even notice when her mom left the house.

Jae had been her support through the whole mess that was her parents' relationship, her shitty relationship with her father who was drunk most of the time, her parents' subsequent divorce and her mother's whole change in behaviour. He had been there through everything. Jae had been the warm hug in her heart whenever the situation with her father got out of hand at home before the divorce and after, when the man would call her mother questioning when they were coming back home and what he had done wrong for them to leave, like it wasn't obvious enough, which caused the woman to end up screaming on the phone and Y/N's world to fall apart all over again. Whenever this happened, anxiety episodes were sure to ensue. And Jae had always been there to pick up her pieces. He had always been there for her, reminding her of the strength she had but unfortunately only he seemed to be aware of. He was always there to give her the love she had lacked all throughout her growth like she had been there to remind him how good he was at his art, being a musician. When everyone else opposed his dream, she was there to pull through the hard times with him. Jae wasn't scared of her insecurities or her being broken. Instead, he focused on helping her become better mentally and allowing her to be the real version on herself whenever they were together, no judgement or questions asked. He loved her for her.

They were like each other's anchor, tying each other to reality, tying each other to life.

So many times the girl had asked herself what she would have done without Jae by her side, she honestly wondered if she would still be alive. Whenever things got hard at home when her parents got married, even though she still had her mother, she felt alone. Now, not even being able to count on the woman anymore, she felt even lonelier.

Even though she had a strong and loving relationship with her boyfriend, the woman she called mother had been able to shake her structures and make her doubt herself like never before. Was she really toxic? Did she not deserve Jae? Was he holding such a kind soul from something much better than what she could give him in life?

Well, the probability of answer to that she knew was a strong definitely yes.

She loved Jae and knew he didn't deserve what she put him through. He could do so much better and have someone who was more confident and happy with their own self. Someone who wasn't broken. Y/N was insecure about most things in life, her indecisiveness never really helped with anything either and it just so happened that they had never had really bad days at the same time because the girl was quite sure that if it were to happen, they would probably enter self-destruction mode and ruin one another.

Maybe she really was toxic and maybe she was dragging Jae right down with her. Maybe it truly was the best for him to leave and maybe, just maybe, she was being utterly and completely selfish by not wanting to let go of him.

Hearing the key turn on the lock, Y/N jumped up from the couch, blanket hanging from her shoulders as she ran to her boyfriend, who immediately embraced her in his warmth.

"Lovey..." Jae's voice made itself clear, worry laced in every vibration. "What happened?" He questioned, holding her body tighter and closer to his own, lips pressed to her forehead.

"Please... Please don't get tired of me? I know I'm hard to deal with, I'm not easy to love, but Jae, I love you with all my heart and I promise you I will always do my best for you! Please don't leave me..." The girl hiccuped, holding his white t-shirt tightly inside her fists as if that would keep the man she loved from ever leaving her side.

"Baby, look at me," Jae asked, holding her by the shoulders and pushing her back a little so he could look into her eyes. His heart broke seeing her tear stained cheeks and watery eyes that didn't seem to be going to stop crying anytime soon. He pouted, and carefully cleaned her tears with his thumb. The man allowed them a short period of silence, wanting his girlfriend to calm down so they could finally talk and he could get a better understanding of what was going on, even though he was pretty sure of the reason that left Y/N in such a state. "Did you fight with your mom again?" He questioned lowly. She nodded before looking down. Jae pulled her closer again and tucked his chin on top of her head, hands running freely through her hair, something he knew was going to help soothe her. "Y/N I'm not going to leave you. Not now and not ever. That is not something you need to worry about. It's truly annoying and saddening how your mother is trying to get to you just because you are opening, or at least trying to open your heart to her by telling her how you truly feel. I understand that she wants to move on and live her life but I won't allow her to make you doubt my feelings for you just because she wants to be selfish and have everything her way." Jae stated firmly. "She shouldn't be treating her own daughter like this, making her doubt her own capacities not only in love but life in general. She's destroying your self-esteem. I won't allow her to take away from you something that was so hard to build." By the tone of his voice and the fast pace of his heart, the girl could tell her boyfriend was mad. Jae knew how much she had struggled with her mental health and loving herself. Even if Y/N did the most amazing things in the world, she couldn't seem to notice that and that was always where Jae came in and helped her see herself a little bit through his loving eyes instead of her dark, unconfident ones, which helped his girlfriend to slowly begin trusting herself and having a little more confidence.

"I feel like I'm losing myself in this wave of emotions that hit me all at once and left me adrift." She chuckled emotionlessly, tears still in her eyes. "I cried so much today my chest went numb. I don't feel myself anymore." Y/N allowed herself to close her eyes for a moment and take in all of Jae. The wooden scent of his perfume, the warmth of his embrace, his caring and loving nature towards her. It was perfect. And she was afraid to lose it. Taking a step back, she looked into his eyes, the man holding both of her hands on his own. "I feel like I'm holding you back from the wonderful life you could have..." She confided barely above a whisper, eyes never leaving his.

"Y/N, please don't hide yourself. Show me you. Show me the real you. Don't hide your heart because of her hurtful words. I don't have any intentions to leave you. I'm here with you like I have always been and plan to always be. You can talk to me, ok? The words you've postponed in fear, the feelings you're holding in, they only do ill to you. The last thing I want is for you to doubt your strength or the strength of our love." He placed her hand on top of his heart. "This belongs to you and you only. But you cannot be afraid of me, especially of my feelings for you. Please believe me when I say that I love you and that I will always be by your side. I will always be here to lull you to sleep and to wake up to your love in the morning. You have no idea how much strength it gives me to just look at you and know you're mine, to know I have a reason. We are family Y/N, we were long before we started dating, when we were only best friends. Our bond was always something out of the ordinary. You mean the world to me, so, please don't be afraid. I will always be beside you."

"I'm sorry..." She said in a whisper and bit her lip in embarrassment. "You've never given me a reason to doubt anything in our relationship, yet here I am, being ridiculous and toxic. Sometimes I feel like I really don't deserve you." She stated, causing the man to shake his head in negation.

"You're not being toxic, you just believed the words of someone who's becoming toxic to you. You are dealing with the situation as best as you can. You never went through this before, you are learning and there is nothing wrong with that, you just need a little time. It's fine, ok? I am here and we'll get through this together like we always do." He stated and smiled, placing a chaste kiss to her lips before pulling her into his warm embrace once again, allowing them both to feel the love that bound them.

"Thank you for everything Jae, I love you. I truly do and there is nothing in this world I want more than to spend eternity with you."

Y/N knew she wasn't alone even if she felt that way. She knew Jae was right there and she could always count on him. He was there to give her strength and tell her how amazing she was over and over again until she would believe it herself.

Jae always made her a priority because, according to his own words, that's where she belonged.

In times like this, she was even more sure he was the one. The one true love that she had waited for her whole life. The one who simply adored her and always brought out the best in her, the one who dropped everything at a ring of the phone so he could be there for her no matter the circumstances, and the one who always made her laugh.

Deep in her heart, she knew they would always be each other's person.

MASTERLIST

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icecoldparadise · 3 years

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Just venting cuz i want to cry right now.

I hate being unemployed. I hate our health care system. I hate that being pregnant with a depressive has made it harder to do anything and I can't tell any employer cuz they probably won't hire me. I've literally put out 20+ job apps the past two months with only a two week break cuz a job that seemed promising fell through.

I'm 11 weeks along and haven't seen a proper doctor cuz they "had to get a referral" or some shit and the lady hasn't called me back after two fucking weeks and I'm just... so tired. So fucking tired and frustrated and anxious. My family is a Godsend they're so supportive y'all but i.. i shouldn't have to rely on them? I got laid ofd with no warning and im trying so hard to get back on my feet in time to support this growing child and pay my fucking bills. I have no sellable skills, no one wants art I make and I can't think of much else that's covid friendly.

Please don't think I'm ungrateful for my family. I so am. I just.. is it too much to ask to be able to do more than just get by? To be able to support myself?

I'm just so frustrated right now and I had to vent I'm sorry. I'll be fine.

#vent #personal #im sorry #im ok

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mohartproductions · 4 years

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Why Am I still Here?

Ever since I was in Middle School there were so many things I wanted to be; at first I wanted to be a zoologist or paleontologist, then I shifted my interests towards animation, comics, voice acting and music making and singing. I always had dreams of bringing back hand-drawn animation in theaters, or at least helping to create some new animated shows I could assist on as an additional animator, character designer, or a writer or producer. But my Middle-School and High School never truly taught me, and me specifically.

I thought maybe I'd have better luck in college, but college just expected me to do the work, and if I don't get passing grades I can't get the degree I need to find the job I'm looking for.

I spent the last ten years of my life in college, mainly focusing on trying to do assignments and making them as best as I possibly can while sacrificing time I could've invested in my own personal projects, and maintaining a healthy life because of my neurodeficiency. I've been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndome since I was 3, and I had a hard time performing well in school ever since. And I may or may not have ADD or ADHD, which could also explain why I have such a hard time focusing and performing tasks well; tasks like reading, writing, even riding a bike. I also can't seem to properly control some of my motor skills, including how I talk: a monotone, nasally voice with a limited range which hampers any attempts I have with singing or acting out loud.

All the while I was surrounded by kids, teens, and young adults who were almost always better than me in every way: They're all smart, talented, athletic, beautiful, and have plenty of friends and even some romantic partners, while I'm almost always behind. Turns out, as someone in real life proposed, some of my animation peers specifically turned out so well because they actually got involved in summer programs back in California, Florida, or Chicago, which gave them a head start. Meanwhile I'm at a disadvantage cause I have to learn one on one, but I hadn't gotten that until recently, and now I don't even have hands on tutors because of this global pandemic, so now I'm struggling at home trying to figure out how to do things right for classes I'm not even interested in because I need those points for my graduation plan just to find a job that does interest me.

But you know what... I honestly believe now that I'll never get the career I want. I always wanted to start a career in animation, comic book art, writing, singing or voice acting while I'm still young, at least in my early 20s; just like Alex Hirsch and Rebecca Sugar have, and all the time I look at people on youtube like Brian Hull and Markiplier who all have started successful careers online, and some of them have even started working in television themselves like Cristina Valenzuela has.

They're all smart, beautiful, healthy, and incredibly talented and people love them for their talents; and meanwhile I'm still an obscure artist on Deviantart who's own artwork is still subpar, has not finished any stories I wanted to write, not even a pilot for any of the shows I want to make, which I make not even make anyway because The Owl House exists now, which is already just like the Diary of Aviril, which was my idea I wanted to make.

I could've invested more into voice acting as an alternative, but my voice still sucks, I still lack the proper recording equipment or environment for it, and for the last 2 or three years my grandma moved into my house which made it hard for me to do any sessions, let alone move into the room where I could've turned into a studio.

It just seems like every year I'm thrown with more and more crap that makes it harder for me to achieve my dream; neurodeficiencies, time mismanagement, inadequate work environments and educational methods, family issues, traffic, politics, economics, urban environments, and now a pandemic.

I wasted ten years of my life, ten years of my youth trying to obtain something I possibly might not even have anyway. I feel like I've been working for nothing. I want to give up, but if I do then all that time, energy, and resources I spent would be for nothing anyway. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I want to go back in time, tell my younger self as a little kid about my future; and all the things I want him/me to do and not do so I could make life much better for me and my family now. I should already be proving myself useful, I should already be happy making a career with the things I love doing, but now I'm even starting to dislike drawing altogether because of just how mediocre I am and will never improve on anything.

Damnit if I can't have the life I want to live, why the hell am I still here?! I'm past 27 now, still unemployed, still thin as a twig with bags underneath my eyes, still trying to earn something. I'm a mad dog chasing cars.

I don't know what else to do, and I don't know if I can do it alone. I can't keep relying on my family to pay for me, I honestly feel like a burden to them, still living with my parents, doing most of my work in a messy living room I use for a studio, still feeling bad they work so hard while I'm leeching off of them, while nearly everyone else is fairing better and have careers going for them. I can't stop hating myself, the world I live, and the life I was born into.

I tried being positive, I even tried helping people myself, but more and more the effort I put keeps coming all for not, and every time I try to convince myself that life is good and so are people, the world finds new ways of proving me wrong. I feel like my life is controlled by a bunch of monkeys in a typewriter room, or Destiny of the Endless from Neil Gaiman's Sandman. I can't support myself, I can't focus, I can't do things most other people seem to do fine on their own. I'm lost, and I can never go back. I think wheezer said it best: I may as well enjoy my life and watch the stars play...

#life #life sucks #why do i exist #existential anxiety #autism #aspergers #add #adhd #neurodivergencies #flash animation #voice acting #career #dream job #depression

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smb3 · 3 years

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Christmas is a weird time for me

I usually love it but this year I’m spending it alone and I’m reminded of just how many bad things relating to Christmas have happened to me even in the last like 10 years.

One year I picked six people that were really close to me and made pixel art canvas prints from my favorite NES games we’d played together. It was arduous finding somewhere that wouldn’t ruin the quality of the image, getting good sizes and I ended up emulating all the games to make sure I got consistent colors. I put handwritten notes in each about how much they meant to me and how I hoped they’d always be a part of my life, I couldn’t even tell anyone what I was getting anyone else for Christmas since so many were getting the same thing. This was like eight years ago? It was the most heartfelt thing I could think of. Right now I only talk to two of the six still and one of those two said it got damaged and he threw it away.

Four years ago my best friend and roommate told me that he was going to see his sister for Xmas, not staying at home like I’d thought. I didn’t have money to go home to see my family so I asked if I could join and he said he’d see if he could check. He did. His sister said there was “no room”. Looking back I just think he wanted to be away from me. My family ended up flying me to see them but I had to rely on a less-good friend (surprisingly) to drive me to the airport and it led to me being assaulted by her. When I got there I told my mom about what happened and she just... didn’t even react. Imagine being sexually assaulted and telling your own mother and she just doesn’t react at all.

My favorite Christmas is the only other one I didn’t spend with my family and spent with my then-partner and their family. It makes me so sad to think about how things went later on to the point that I don’t even know where to begin to express myself. They’ve since tried to apologize but the more I think about what to say, the more upset I get about how for years after I tried to be so good to them only to have them treat me so poorly and sometimes just plain insidiously. People sometimes say “you’ll always have the memories!” but sometimes things relating to those memories make them too tainted to be fond. It’s like loving a food that gave you food poisoning once, it’s hard to think about how tasty it is without thinking of how horrific it made you feel.

I’m fighting with my family and by that I mean that my family is fucking awful and I finally told them that I don’t want to be treated like that. When they objected, I finally put my foot down and my mother fucking flipped out. I could have gone home for Christmas, god knows they aren’t seeing anyone but they’re just... not worth it. It’s not worth it going to see them just to appease them, it’s not worth it even for free gifts and food and to see my friends that live in that town. Last year I took time off work to go down and one night I went to see a friend and got back late. I came in almost completely silently and my grandmother still threw a fit, screaming to herself about me that I just abhor the thought of being there. I told myself I’d get a hotel if I went this year but I’m unemployed and honestly, it’s not worth it. My mother plays soft, nice and innocent after being a total fucking dickhead to me and I just don’t think I’ll ever get through to them that this isn’t normal. It’s not a normal way to interact. I’m sure I should call them tomorrow but who knows if I even will.

I wish I’d stayed in contact with the rest of my family so I at least had some family to talk to during the holidays but it’s been so long now I don’t even know where I’d begin. I heard Ash is going to open up about his dad, maybe I should try talking to mine too, though I have a feeling that would make me feel even more empty.

My roommate offered for me to go with her to her family’s for Christmas but I just knew it’d feel so performative that I didn’t want to go. Alone is better at least this year but maybe next year I’ll be able to see friends. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not alone because I’m unloveable, just that the state of the world is horrible. It’s hard to remember that you’re not a bad person when you’re often the scapegoat for other people that can’t deal with their own bad behavior.

Oh, also a couple years ago I had to drive back home ON CHRISTMAS to go to work the next day and hit a deer and it was horrible.

#shitscram

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captaindibbzy · 4 years

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Since we're in a new year I'll go for the obvious one: 25: What’s changed the most since 5 years ago?

God this is a hard one.

5 years ago I was just coming out of a BIG episode of depression, and I actually don’t remember much about it, or the 2 years leading up to it. I had finished university, I was unemployed, I didn’t know what to do with my life: I had a vague idea, but no idea how to go about it. January 2015 I was just about to start applying for jobs, I was just about to sign up to Universal Credit because I was finally feeling like I could do something more than gaze at the ceiling. I was writing, I was doing art. I was surviving but confused.

And in a way I’m in a similar boat now. I have a vague idea of what I want to do, which is completely different idea to what it was five years ago. I’m applying for jobs, which are a different kind of job to 5 years ago. If I don’t get one by February I’ll be applying to Universal Credit. I’m writing, but it’s something different to what I was writing then. I’m doing art, but it’s different to what I was doing then.

But the big difference is I’m ok with it now.

Back then I was stuck in a hole so dark and deep it was difficult to understand things would get better, and really I had been there for a long time. I was still coming to terms with the fact I might be on medication for the rest of my life. I felt like I’d failed because I’d left uni and I couldn’t strike out on my own and I was relying on my parents generosity, and worried that some how because my struggles weren’t the worst in the world that I some how didn’t deserve the help and compassion I was getting. But now I’ve been on meds for the better part of a decade and while my mood does go up and down it’s more stable than it has been since I was like 7 years old. I’m ok with living at home, and in a way I don’t want to move away. The safety net I have, and the one I help make around the rest of my family, is important to me. I’ve learned that globally it’s common for people to stay in family units. That there is no “right way” to grow up.

I’m unsure of my future, but I’m sure of my value. My labour has value and I have value. I believe my friends when they say they love me, even if it’s hard some days.

I am in a better place than I was back then even if physically I haven’t moved much.

So while the things around me haven’t changed much the biggest thing that has changed is I am more ok with who I am now than I have ever been. I have worth as a person, but now I believe I have it.

[Adult Asks.]

#Answered #Tumblr Games #lyrslair

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numberonepapermaker32 · 4 years

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I was just telling myself... Dystopian fiction coming alive

...how I should revisit some of my older dystopian reads since this friggin’ quarantine feels like a scene straight out of one of those scenarios. And I found this half-read novel by Katie Kacvinsky. It was in mid-2014 that I tried it, after reading the “Delirium” trilogy. At that time I read a lot of dystopian fiction, feeling hopeless while unemployed and unable to take MA studies in Culturology. That distant feeling is distant no more now that we’re living in close quarters and afraid for our physical and mental health. So, here goes, my review of “Awaken:”

Spoiler alert!!! Even though I didn't finish this book, my review will contain some of the story segments! The dystopian genre is one of my favorites, so I'm really nit-picky about everything I read from the said category. "Awaken" starts off rather interestingly. In Chapter One we get the image of the world the heroine lives in. The year is 2060 and life has become electronic in all its aspects. People rarely leave their homes, since they have all they need inside. Online character building makes them more secure, seeing as how everyone can delete any flaw of theirs with a single click, leaving thousands of contacts ("friends") with the best possible image of them (familiar???). Everything is controlled, food, exercise, traffic, there is no physical contact whatsoever between humans and even trees and plants are synthetic. In the midst of all this unnaturalness, the heroine, Maddie, spots subtle glimpses of the life that once was but is no more, such as a flock of black birds flying above her. The heroine's character shift is not so subtle, though. Her last name is FREEman (ironic much?? ). Very soon we get the idea that she's going to stray, and this is a fact I didn't particularly like. There was no building of her feeling of alienation, no development. I'm not saying this is necessarily bad, it's just that I personally disliked it. E.g.: "When Dad left town it was as if a strangling collar was unfastened from my neck." "Sometimes I pretend I'm running away." "I wanted something in my life that looked misplaced (...), that didn't fit in." "It makes me wonder if I really know anybody." On the other hand, I very much liked some of the details, like how Maddie notices people's scents, or how she uses art as an escape from her suffocating life, for example, painting birds on her bedroom ceiling, dancing at the concert, reading "obsolete" books. The reason I wasn't able to finish this book, and probably won't any time soon (if ever), is that it felt too much like "Delirium". I've read that both books came out in 2011 and I don't know if some overlapping facts were accidental or not, but I personally read "Delirium" first, and loved it immensely, so this felt like "seen it already", for example with Justin liking fire since he'd been a kid (just like Alex), Maddie hurting her leg during an interception (just like Lena during the raid at the forbidden party), Maddie escaping from home right when she was supposed to go to Detention Center (just like Lena escaping over the fence right when she was supposed to be cured of Love), etc. Although I didn't finish it, I would actually recommend this book, if anything just to warn us of what our world could easily become if we continue to distance ourselves from one another and keep on entirely relying on computers/machines/devices.

#book review #quarantine #awaken #dystopia

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drunklander · 5 years

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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 411

This week, on Outlander: Claire carries all of the water for Jamie! Lord John can’t decide if he’s dumb and creepy or a cool dude! Roger is still my designated tea refill break! Bree is back to being the worst! Murgsali remains the best!

It’s week two of my drunk recaps being done while not drunk *shakes fist at the concept of Dry January* and my willpower is being aggressively tested.

I hate this fake-out with Roger as much as I hate the fake-out in ep. 1x03 with Claire and Mrs. Fitz.

Are we going to get Roger back at the stones and his decision to stay and him being recaptured and stuff next week? Or are we just going to pick back up at the village and we just need to fill all that in ourselves? Tbh, I almost would have preferred Roger just not being in this episode...

Oh the title card... Bree is suddenly now a great artist! (Seriously, how the fuck did she never draw Roger at any point before Rogergate happened?! Like, cool if you don’t want to share who raped you, literally this whole thing could have been avoided without sharing that tidbit if Jamie KNEW WHAT ROGER LOOKED LIKE. Oh, thanks for the heads up, Lizzie, but it turns out that the guy you saw is Bree’s boyfiend. I punched him for leaving her, but it turns out he’s just a dick, not a rapist.) (Second week in a row that I’ve made that typo. It’s like even my subconscious doesn’t like Roger.)

And Bree loves drawing the enslaved people on her great-aunt’s plantation! Which she apparently is totally cool with!

Also, Bree says Aunt wrong. It’s a minor thing but one that is driving me up a fucking wall every time she says it. (People in Massachusetts say it like Ahnt, not Ant.)

Geez, Lizzie, Bree doesn’t need to easily forgive Jamie. Jamie doesn’t deserve to be easily forgiven. Honestly, Lizzie is the least to blame for this whole fiasco. She saw a dude being rough with Bree and then the next time she saw Bree was post-rape. Jamie was a complete prick to Bree, beat the shit out of a random guy without letting him get a word in edgewise and had his nephew get rid of him. And then didn’t fucking tell Claire, who probably would have put two and two together, about it. Fuck that guy.

I simultaneously can’t believe and 1000% can believe they read this shit heap of a story line and were like “Yep, this is great stuff! Let’s definitely spend half a season on it!”

ROLLO! THE GOODEST BOY!

Ugh. Young Ian being like “Oh hey, Auntie Claire, how about you go do the emotional labor of making Jamie feel better about being a fucking dumbass!” Hard pass, Ian. Hard fucking pass.

So here for Claire’s “what you *both* thought.” Like yep, Ian, you’re at fault too. I know you love your uncle, but you gave that whole big speech at River Run about being your own man and yada yada, so maybe fucking own your part in this. You didn’t fucking have to sell a guy into fucking slavery. BUT YOU’RE STILL NOT AS MUCH TO BLAME AS JAMIE. FUUUUCK THAT GUY.

Also, Jamie, you dumb fuck. You should have been fucking groveling by now. You get no points for keeping your distance. Nut up and mea culpa the shit out of this situation.

Honestly, if they wanted to make the show just about Fersali and Murtz, at this point I’d be totally on board.

Wait, so Fergus has been unemployed this whole time? How the fuck have they been living for the past year then? What happened to his job at the printer? I have so many questions...

So Bree, who grew up in civil rights era Boston and had a Black roommate, is totally just chill about living on a plantation and being waited on by enslaved people? Like, we’re not going to mention this at all? Cool. Cool cool cool.

Also like fucking mother like daughter. She’s like “Oh hey, Phaedre, I’m going to draw you. Sit there. No, I’m not going to ask if you want to be drawn. Or take into account what Jocasta might do to you because of my decision to make you not be doing what you’re expected to be doing. Like my Mom did with asking you to call her by her first name, I’m just gonna disregard what the consequences might be for you because treating you like this will make me feel better about myself.”

Maria Doyle Kennedy continues to be awesome.

"Sorry! Did I wake ye?” I love Marsali so fucking much.

I really like them giving what was a convo with Jenny and Jamie about Ian in the books to Marsali and Murtagh about Fergus. But man, women do so much of the emotional labor in this fucking episode. Marsali is running a house, caring for a baby and risking having a wanted man sleeping in her kitchen but she also has to like fluff the pillows for Fergus’ feelings.

Yes, I know that spouses should support each other and be there when the other one needs something. But since we see so little of Fersali now, we’re not seeing this as a two way relationship. Just Marsali doing it for Fergus.

That being said, I do think it’s very sweet of Marsali.

“If I wanted him shot, I’d do it myself. And it wouldna be Fergus I’d take aim at first. He doesna put his boots on my blankets.” I just fucking love her so much, y’all.

Does Murtagh know who Marsali is yet though? Does he know about Jamie marrying Laoghaire? Were we robbed of the glorious Murtz reaction we could have had? Le sigh. If I had a drink, I’d pour one out...

Oh hey, Gerald. Is your name going to stay Gerald? Or are you randomly going to start being Neil in a couple seasons?

“Have you been enjoying your time at River Run?” “Yes, I love River Run. I love living with a bunch of racists, benefiting from the enslavement of Black people. I never once bring up how uncomfortable I am, or even look like I’m uncomfortable about the situation. I am not at all morally conflicted about my current situation. Everything is totally cool.”

I raged a lot during ep. 4x02, and honestly that rage all still stands.

Oh hey! John Grey, Lord of Convenient Appearances is back!

Fergus talking to Germain is my everything. “It seems there are some here who do not appreciate your contribution to the cause.” *swoon* I can’t wait for him to teach his lil dude the fine art of pickpocketing...

I LOVE THE FERGUS AND MURTAGH RELATIONSHIP A LOT AND I’M VERY GLAD THEY’RE GETTING SCREEN TIME TOGETHER.

BASICALLY I LOVE MURTAGH’S RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERYONE.

I JUST LOVE MURGSALI OK.

Bree’s like that obnoxious college freshman who comes home on break and is like all insufferable because they took like one intro to psych class and now want to like diagnose everyone they know with random shit.

“Must I close my eyes when you are before me?” “Yes.” Well played, Bree, but I still do not like you at all in this episode.

Man, 18th century tinder fucking sucks.

I know this show isn’t subtle at all, but jfc, they’re like punching us in the face with the judge being gay.

Bree, Claire and Betty fucking Draper should start a club for women who drink like fish while preggo.

Ok so I’m on board with the convo with LJG and Bree about his vision or whatever, but then it crosses over into creepy later on in the episode.

Can Lizzie please fuck off already? She’s annoying af.

Also, she blurts out that Bree’s pregnant but managed to keep it a secret that Jamie kicked the shit out of a guy for weeks? I’m calling shenanigans on that.

I get that the convo with John and Bree about Jocasta trying to marry off Bree to some rando is supposed to like be clearing up the handfasting is marriage vs. not marriage thing that the show can’t make up its mind about, but it still bugs me, tbh. A lot.

I still am lowkey annoyed that they expect us to be so invested in Roger and Bree when they did like nothing to build up their relationship before it went to shit (both times). Like, you’re lazy when it comes to your characters, show. You’re doing a bad job. If no one is invested in the characters then all the plot in the world won’t make the show good.

The amount this show relies on book readers backfilling shit is absurd.

Jocasta, as a woman and figure in society, is a far more understandable giver of this speech about Bree needing to be married than Jamie, a dude who can have her live with him in his and Claire’s house in fucking bumblenowhere backwoods. But still, WHY DON’T THESE FUCKERS JUST TREAT HER LIKE SHE’S MARRIED. SHE TECHNICALLY IS. SHE’S HANDFAST. WHO GIVES A FUCK IF THERE WEREN’T WITNESSES. NO ONE IN CROSS CREEK KNOWS THAT. PEOPLE WILL JUST ACCEPT WHAT YOU TELL THEM. I HATE THAT ALL THESE FUCKERS WON’T PUT THAT TOGETHER.

Ok, cool that Lord John is getting some action, I’m am 10000% here for him to be happy with a man who actually wants him back instead of creepily pining over Jamie forever. But FFS YOU ARE NOT STUPID. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BANGING THIS DUDE IN THE GODDAMN HALLWAY?! YOU ARE A VERY CAREFUL PERSON. YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF PEOPLE KNOW YOU’RE GAY. YOU FUCKING GOT SHIPPED OFF TO ARDSMUIR BECAUSE OF RUMORS ABOUT YOU AND HECTOR. YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS YOU STUPID FUCKING FUCK.

All that aside, I totally ship John and the judge and they should totally be boyfriends and bang a lot, but FUCKING NOT IN THE GODDAMN HALLWAY OF SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE WHEN THEY KNOW THEY LIVE IN A HOMOPHOBIC AF SOCIETY.

Ok, fuck Brianna for this blackmail bullshit. Fuck her so fucking much. She is the literal worst right now. Like are you fucking kidding me, Bree?! You’re garbage. I know this shit is in the book, but fucking christ. It’s bad. Fucking have Bree talk to John like “Look, my aunt is trying to marry me off. That fucking hobbit is going to propose as soon as I go back inside. I don’t want to marry him, you know I’m waiting to see if my parents can find my quasi-husband. Can you please do me a solid and say we’re engaged so people leave me the fuck alone until my parents get back?” We *know* John would say yes to that, because he eventually fucking goes along with it for THAT EXACT FUCKING REASON. SO WHY ARE THEY HAVING FROM-THE-POST-STONEWALL-FUTURE BREE THREATEN A GUY WITH THIS SHIT. SHE KNOWS HOW QUEER FOLKS ARE TREATED IN HER OWN FUCKING TIME, AND THIS IS THE PAST AND THE PAST IS THE FUCKING WORST. FUUUUUUCK HER.

“That sounds like a threat.” BREE, YOU DON’T GET TO BE BUTTHURT ABOUT BEING THREATENED WHEN YOU LITERALLY JUST TOLD A GUY YOU WERE GOING TO RUIN HIS LIFE, YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE.

“I wouldn’t have said a word to anyone. I’d just threaten you with your worst fear. Because I’m a raging asshat.”

It’s creepy af that they’re like talking around John being in love with Jamie. I honestly hate that part of John so fucking much. Like he could be such a great character if they could fucking lay off the him pining over and being weirdly possessive of Jamie shit.

Ok, so with Bree now just telling everyone that it was Bonnet who raped her it’s really coming off that Jamie’s manpain was the *only* reason she didn’t tell anyone but Claire before. Which is so fucked up! She was raped! Fuck Jamie’s manpain! If she wants to tell people, she should fucking tell people! Sorry not sorry, but if you were brutally raped and possibly impregnated by some fucker and you want to let people know who it was because it turns out he’s a fucking sociopath, that fucking trumps “oh, my bio dad might feel icky about it.”

“The union of our families is a blessing to us all. Except for the second someone better comes along. Because omg he’s a *lord*! Bye, Neil. Go have yourself some second breakfast.”

Oh fuck you, Jamie. You don’t get to be butthurt at Claire. Claire didn’t beat the everloving fuck out of some rando at the word of a maid, send him into slavery and then keep it a fucking secret. Also like, why the fuck did he even keep it a secret from Claire?! Why not do what Bree did and tell Claire but have her not tell Bree? And he’s still keeping him asking Murtagh to track Bonnet down from Claire. Seriously, fuck Jamie.

Oh Rollo, this isn’t Terminus. We don’t eat people in this show.

I literalol’ed at them pulling an Everest and using a dead body as a wayfinding tool. Probs not the reaction they were going for.

“He is... very much like his father.” DON’T MAKE IT WEIRD, JOHN.

"Good doesn’t come into it. I love him more than life itself.” I love the convo about loving a kid even if you’re not the bio dad, but this “It’s only new because there is hope.” bullshit while they’re sitting on the FUCKING PORCH OF A PLANTATION, LOOKING OUT AT ENSLAVED PEOPLE WHILE THE REST OF THE FAM IS OFF LOOKING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED ON THE LAND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, IS SO FUCKING TONE DEAF IT HURTS.

“I was upset, but not with you.” Uh, Claire? YOU SHOULD BE UPSET WITH JAMIE. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY BE UPSET WITH JAMIE.

I get Claire’s reasons for not telling Jamie. I think Bree should have told Claire to tell Jamie since it seems like her only hesitation for doing so was Jamie’s #feelings. And I 100000000% think that it makes *zero* sense that she never told Jamie what Roger looks like. But Claire is doing way fucking more than her share of apologizing here. JAMIE IS THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE DOING THE BIG DRAMATIC APOLOGY. THIS IS LIKE 99.7% HIS FUCKING FAULT.

I HATE ROGERGATE SO FUCKING MUCH.

“Frank made plenty of mistakes.” UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKING CENTURIES, BEAUCHAMP.

Aaaand then they couch it as an “all parents do” thing. BECAUSE OH NO, CAN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HE WAS AN ABUSIVE JACKASS. NOPE. CAN’T DO THAT.

This show is fucking *killing* me with its refusal to make the male characters accountable for their actions.

And then we get the same sex scene we got in the premiere. Because even though Jamie and Claire get freaky in oh-so-many different ways in the later books, the show has decided that from now on they need to be vanilla and boring. I mean, in the book this bit is described as fierce with blind desperation. I know I always say I want them to deviate from the book, but ffs, I didn’t mean make all the sex the same when the situations and emotional states of the characters when they’re together are very different...

And no, Balfe, I’m not a “horny granny.” (Seriously, fuck her for that comment, tbh. I know what she was probably trying to say, but word choice, Caitriona. It’s fucking important.) I’m not watching this show for the smut. But the core relationship, what’s supposed to be the heart of the show, is now monotonous af.

Jamie and Claire as characters have always been a couple who express themselves passionately and physically. But now suddenly they’re just like soft af all the time? Where’s the fire? Where’s the spark? You don’t need to have nudity to show passion, show. I’m not asking for a parade of boobs and butts. (If there was contractual stuff involved with that for actors or whatever, more power to them.) But ffs, the show is managing to make me bored with the main fucking ship.

And then Roger gets the shit kicked out of him again and I’m here for it.

Because I still don’t like that guy.

(But seriously, framing the various Native American tribes as the “bad guys” is getting old af.)

#*#outlander starz #outlander 4x11 #drunj!der yells about outlander #rogergate

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