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tllthesundies · 3 years

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Anonymous said:

hi! i love the entertainment fic :) can you please write the part when they are celebrating louis’ birthday together, from harry’s pov?

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Harry hears the front door open, then close.

He remains indifferent as he stirs the small pot with pesto sauce in it to keep it from burning. He, also, keeps his eye on the boiling noodles in the bigger pot. But he’s listening to Louis’s footsteps and the jingling of keys in his pocket.

“Okay, rockstar,” he hears Louis’s voice, becoming louder the closer he approaches. “I know I take care of everything, and I recognise that you live in the middle of no man’s land, but I didn't actually think I'd have to include a lesson plan on keeping your doors locked. Things happen, even out here.” He pauses, and although Harry keeps his vision on the food, he sees Louis in his peripheral lean against the counter beside him. He’s wearing his jean jacket, some grey band t-shirt on underneath, and pairing it with boyfriend jeans. “I mean, it's California.” Harry can’t help sparing him a brief look, anyhow, quirking an eyebrow as he stirs the pesto. He doesn't respond to Louis. Louis watches for a moment before pushing himself away from the counter to instead lean his hip against it. He sighs. “What are you doing?”

“Making dinner,” quietly and casually replies Harry. He turns the heat for the spaghetti off. “I thought we could eat while we plan. Are you hungry?”

Louis nods.

“Haven't had anything since lunch.”

Harry glances back at a cabinet somewhere behind Louis and points to it. “Do you mind grabbing plates for us and setting the table? They're in that cabinet.”

“Yeah, sure.” When Louis disappears, Harry takes the pot to drain the noodles. “Do you want a specific colour?” he decides to ask Harry.

“Um,” hums Harry over the sound of pouring hot water and wet noodles being dumped into a strainer. “Honestly? I'm feeling teal.”

As Harry finishes draining the noodles, pours pesto sauce on them and mixes them, and finishes the vegetables, he glances repeatedly, briefly, at Louis. He sees him with teal and olive green plates and sets them up on Harry’s table. He, also, tries offering help, but Harry shuts him down immediately, each time, and sends him to just sit at the table. His hands shake just a little bit when he puts each food back into their respective pots–the ends of his nerves are on burning ice and he can’t make himself look at Louis for very long, if at all. He’s just on edge for the truth he hasn’t told him, but he takes a silent breath to clear his head.

“Most of everything,” Harry says, after he’s set everything on the table and gently plops into the seat beside Louis.

Louis blinks up at him.

“What?”

Spooning noodles onto his plate carefully, Harry repeats, “Most. You take care of most things.” He offers the spoon to Louis with a small smirk ghosting his lips.

Louis breathes out a soft chuckle, taking the utensil from Harry.

He shakes his head in reply.

He waits until everything is on their plates to take off his jean jacket. Harry watches him remove paper from inside a pocket, then hangs it on the back of his chair. Louis unfolds it, glancing up at him. “I don't know what you've got planned,” he begins, “or anything, but I made a list, anyway, to help jumpstart ideas. You know Calista, so, I kind of presume you know what she likes. But—just in case.”

Tentatively, Harry takes the list Louis gives him. He swallows as invisible as possible, and his eyes roam over all of the ideas Louis’s written down: Frozen themed - extremely popular concept still; Pink strawberry theme; Typical animal zoo theme; the birthday party concepts keep going on and on, and the longer Harry continues reading the list, the more those icy ends of his nerves burn more. It becomes overwhelming for his chest, and–he has to tell the truth. There’s too much devotion and dedication in this list to keep his façade going. Leaning back into his chair, he finally gathers the courage to look at Louis, and says, “This list isn’t going to be useful. Don't be mad at me.” Eyebrows narrowing, a puzzled look comes across Louis’s face. “I lied to you.”

The fork in Louis’ hand halts.

He blinks slowly at Harry.

“What are you talking about?” he asks. “Why am I here, then?”

For a split second, Harry’s confidence wavers. There’s a hesitancy he can’t help having, and one he’s not used to controlling – and as observant as Louis is, he probably sees the moment he wavers. And the controlling side of Harry hates that possibility. But he looks Louis directly in the eye, runs a hand through his hair, and speaks in a quiet voice. “It’s your birthday in just a few days. I—I wanted to . . . give you some kind of celebration to show my”–the words continue getting stuck in his throat; he has to spit them out, to warm them up–“. . . appreciation for everything you’ve done.” He pauses, to gauge Louis’s reaction. He looks–unsure; wondering; still confused, albeit a little more understanding. “Look, I’m not the best at, uh—expressing my feelings for people. Not that I have feelings. But”—he rubs an eye with his knuckle, becoming frustrated with himself—“you know what I mean.”

He took Rachel’s advice, but maybe he went too far this time. He lied to get Louis to agree to this. He lied because he didn’t know any other way to go about this. He doesn’t know how to just–outright ask someone such a simple thing like hey, I want to celebrate your birthday, would you like to come over? And it’s far more awkward because he purposely hasn’t been the most pleasant to the exact person he wants to celebrate.

He’s trying.

Probably in his own twisted way, but he’s trying.

And the silence from Louis stretches for far too long – to the point Harry gets uncomfortable. But he doesn’t show it.

“I don’t know what to say,” Louis says, after some time, words just above a whisper.

“Say nothing,” Harry chooses for him. “Consider this a . . . I recognise your hard work, Louis. You’re always on time, prepared, and organised. I’ve never had to tell you how to do your job, and that takes a lot of pressure off of me. So, thank you.” That last part stings his throat when it comes out. But not in the wrong way. “Again, consider this a congratulatory party for two. Nothing more.”

Louis stares at him.

“How did you know?”

“Résumé,” Harry simply answers.

A small beat of silence.

Louis narrows his eyes at him. “I never put my age or date of birth on any résumé.”

“Résumé,” Harry repeats, intentionally curt.

Harry’s not going to tell him from which source he acquired the information from. He wouldn’t blow Niall’s cover like that. Niall had questioned him plenty enough when he had called him. Why do you want to know? Niall asked, even though he had already given the information to Harry. I just want to be nice, is all Harry answered with.

He wasn’t lying.

“Fine,” Louis replies cooly. “Creep.”

Harry puts on an unimpressed look, staring directly into Louis’s eyes as he chews his food. After swallowing, he says, “That’s a big accusation coming from someone I could fire.”

Louis smiles, smug.

“See, that’s the beautiful thing . . . you can’t fire me,” he retorts.

Harry shakes his head, and he fights the muscles in his face that are around his mouth that desperately are trying to lift his lips at Louis’s reply. He can’t let that happen. His mind races with other topics to bring; with other distractions.

“Listen,” Harry says, “I have a cake for you.”

“Where?”

Harry shakes his head again.

“We have to make it,” he tells him.

Louis looks cautious. “What flavour?”

“Chocolate.”

A pleasantly surprised look crosses his features. “That’s my favourite,” he says. “Lucky guess?”

“You could say that.”

Dinner continues quietly. The ends of Harry’s nerves have started to warm up, evaporating the icy burn and replacing it with a normal temperature. His heart stops beating inconsistently and begins functioning like a normal human being. However, the same icy feeling starts to show itself in Harry’s mouth; words flow uncontrollably out of his mouth. Harry’s not a talker. He knows how to talk. He knows how to respond to people, and how to maintain conversation, but he doesn’t generally start the conversations unless he has no choice. Louis looks a little amused by him, but he does his best to ignore it. He, also, tries to get Louis to talk about himself, so, that he has some semblance of control over his mouth, but it doesn’t work.

Harry notices Dolly sauntering into the kitchen in his peripheral as he loads the dishwasher. She has her mustard yellow turtleneck on still that Harry had put on her this morning, her collar matching impeccably. She comes right over to Harry and peers into the dishwasher, but Harry scratches behind her ear as a warning before gently swatting her away.

She mews loudly at him, offended, she wanders over Louis.

Harry rolls his eyes at her.

“Look what you've done,” Louis speaks up.

Harry looks over his shoulder at Louis as he messes with the controls on the top of the dishwasher.

Snorting, Harry opens a drawer and slings a clean dish cloth over his shoulder before making his way over to Louis. “She's just mad I wanted to keep her from hurting herself,” he tells Louis. “She'll come around in ten minutes and act like it never happened.” He lifts a hand and gently caresses Dolly’s neck. But Dolly tries to hide from him by burying her face into Louis's armpit.

Louis laughs, surprised.

“Oh, no.”

Harry just puckers his lips and gives her an air kiss, and chuckles, smiling. “She always comes back.”

Louis bends his head and drops his gaze to Dolly. Harry watches the gentle way he rubs the top of her head and the rest of her body. He’s so much more familiar with her than when he had first met Dolly. He had been jumpy, a little scared. Now, they’re friends. Harry turns his head away and walks to the pantry.

“So, I've got,” Harry begins, and stops. He grabs the chocolate cake box he sees hiding on the top shelf, and stretches his arm up to get it. The matching frosting container is nearby, and he grabs it, too. He reads the back of it before continuing speaking. “Chocolate frosting. And”—he draws out the word until Louis rolls his eyes, telling him to get on with it; Harry's composure breaks, a grin breaking across his face as he stammers out his words because of his breathy laugh—“could you get the eggs out, please?”

Louis probably thinks he’s annoying.

It’s all on purpose.

Louis squats down to release Dolly from his arms. She jumps out of his grip, but remains by his feet. He washes his hands, first, then puts the eggs he retrieved from the fridge on the island.

Harry comes up beside Louis who’s reading the instructions on the back very carefully, and just dumps the oil, cake mix box, and frosting next to the eggs

Harry finds his measuring cup, and gives it to Louis to use for the oil and water. Louis asks him senseless questions; if he wants to do the eggs, et cetera. Louis has him sniff the inside of the cake mix bake to see if it smells good. It’s very chocolatey. And while he lets Louis do whatever he wants with the cake, he searches through his playlist to find music to fill the silence, so, he doesn’t have to talk too much. He finds Louis a bowl, a pan to fit the mixture into, and preheats the oven.

Harry sticks his finger in the bowl last minute, making a pop sound upon releasing his finger from between his lips.

“That’s really tasty,” he says.

Louis’s unimpressed.

“Tell me that when you get salmonella.”

“Can't wait.”

Louis shakes his head.

As they wait for the cake to fully bake, they work together cleaning all of the dirty utensils and bowls. They clean the island. Dolly stays silently crowding their feet. Harry can feel Dolly rubbing her head against his ankles, then attempts to climb onto his feet to lay down on them. Harry internally sighs.

“Look,” murmurs Louis.

Harry hears a smile reflecting in his voice.

He doesn't remove his gaze from the whisk he's washing.

“I know she's there. I'm ignoring her.”

Then it happens very fast:

Harry feels a small puddle gather on his feet and the bottom of his pants that cling to his skin. He hears Louis’s shocked laughter, but he doesn’t look at him as he breathes in a sharp breath to calm himself. Every fucking time.

“She—”

Harry's eyes close in pain. “I know. I wish I could say this hasn't happened before.”

While Louis’s still giggling and picks Dolly up from his feet, Harry excuses himself to go change his pants, then reemerges to find Louis feeding Dolly from the palm of his hand.

Louis looks over his shoulder at Harry, a single eyebrow raised.

“Better?” he asks.

“No,” Harry answers immediately. He pulls out the chair beside Louis, turns it around to sit backwards in it. He crosses his arms on the back of it, and gives Dolly an annoyed look that she ignores entirely in favour of the food she nibbles on in Louis's outstretched hand.

Still highly amused, Louis smiles, looking at Harry. “She's fine. Why'd she do that?”

“She does it when I'm absent too much” Harry explains. “In her cat mind, she thinks if she vomits on me, I'll be forced to clean up after her and take care of her. I don't know. Cats are—they have strange minds. I just think it’s only my cat because she has anxiety problems.”

Closing his parted lips, Louis shifts his gaze over to Dolly. She's trying to bite down on a hard piece she got. Harry watches them both. “Did you want to, like, watch something?” Louis asks, glancing briefly at Harry. “While the cake bakes?”

Harry nods.

“What do you have in mind?”

Shrugging, once, feebly, Louis says, “I don't know. Maybe a movie? Comedies are nice.”

Harry stands from his chair, and pushes it back in normally. “It’s your birthday; you get all the privileges of picking and holding the remote.” He walks past behind Louis and into the front room, and sits down in the left corner of his settee.

After letting Dolly tackle the last couple of pieces of her cat food into her mouth, Louis picks her up and takes her with. He tucks his left leg underneath his right one when he sits down on the settee. There's a space between their bodies that isn’t too enclosed to make Harry uncomfortable; and he averts his gaze to the television, so, that he won’t continuously stare at Louis in his peripheral vision. He can’t keep doing that. He can’t keep–looking at him more than he needs to.

It’s dangerous.

Harry places the remote in Louis's outstretched palm.

Louis shifts through channels for too long; and when he enters Netflix, he spends too much time reading each and every description.

“By this rate,” says Harry, breaking their long held silence, “the cake will be ready before you settle on something.”

Louis turns his head, tilting his head in a look. “Well, I'm not much of a TV person, to be honest,” Louis admits. “What do you recommend?”

“I told you,” says Harry, staring straight at the television still, “your birthday, your choice. . . . But . . . if you really want a recommendation . . . There's Something About Mary is a very good romantic comedy.”

Louis blinks. “What's it about?”

“This guy Ted — Ben Stiller plays him — wants to reconnect with his old prom date back from high school he had a massive crush on, so, he hires somebody to track her down and . . . it's, like, really messy, but what rom-com isn’t? It's a hundred times better than it sounds,” Harry promises him.

Louis seems to consider it.

Then he nods.

“Sure. Let's watch that.”

Harry looks over his shoulder at Louis as he stands from the settee. “You sure?” he asks.

Harry kneels in front of his small but wide bookcase full of DVDs. He quickly looks over every case until he finds the one he’s looking for. Turning the player on and popping in the disc, he returns to his spot on the sofa. Harry’s seen this romcom a thousand times, so, though he keeps his eye on the television, he doesn’t try to catch up with everything that plays out. Instead, he listens to Louis’s laughter, and distracts himself by dragging his forefinger across his lips for something to do. When the stove timer goes off, he jumps up to get it, and Dolly follows behind him.

“It's done,” Harry calls out. After he puts the cake on the counter on top of a dish cloth, he tests the idle with a toothpick. When he looks up to see where Louis is, he finds him by Harry’s walls of picture frames, cradling Dolly in his arms as his gaze roams. Harry decides to act indifferent and let a hard feeling pass through his stomach, and raids through his pantry to find the frosting. “Louis. Where's the frosting?” Harry feels Louis come up beside him a moment later. “I gave it to you. Where could it have disappeared to?”

Taking a step back, Louis stretches an arm out to open the freezer door. He reaches in, and then he closes it to hold the small container of frosting towards Harry, in the air. “Right here,” he says, wiggling it when Harry looks at him, gaze falling on the container. “I put it in the freezer.”

Harry pauses, lips parting. “Why did you put it in the freezer?”

Louis raises both brows at him in a way that the answer should be obvious. “Because room temperature frosting is disgusting? It's only good when it's cold.”

Gently, he tosses it on the island.

Harry's eyebrows pull together as he steps back and pulls the pantry door closed. “Uh—I hate to inform you, but frosting is good no matter what temperature it is,” he says in a vaguely defensive voice.

“Now you're just being gross,” comments Louis, looking briefly at Harry when he situates himself in front the cake, his lightheartedness subtle. Harry chooses to just busy himself with removing the cake from the pan, turning his back to Louis. “Oh, no.”

Harry turns around.

“What?” Harry asks.

He sets the plate full of cake beside Louis on the island and peeks at what Louis has in his hand.

Louis turns his body in an angle, towards Harry, and demonstrates the issue. Holding a knife in his hand to scope some of the chocolate frosting out, he goes at it — but he's stopped, and it's impossible to get any, because the knife is met with nothing but brick. “It's frozen,” Louis says.

Harry blinks a few times.

“Really?”

“Shut up,” he retorts. He glances around before walking over to a cabinet to retrieve a bowl. “Couldn't we use a microwave? Unless you're willing to wait an hour for it to thaw. I know I rather not.” Setting the bowl down, next to the frosting, Louis takes it in his hands and attempts to shake it out into the bowl first. Harry just watches him – and he pauses for a second, because he notices a small freckle on the upper part of the side of his neck. He’s lost count, now, how many freckles Louis has.

“I thought you hated warm frosting.”

“I do, but if we put it in for just a few seconds it won't matter,” Louis reasons.

Harry watches him shake it and realise that method doesn’t work. He proceeds to lay it upside down on the lid and hits it hard. Then he tries squeezing it before attempting to pry the container from the edges of the frosting.

The corners of his mouth tilt downwards in a frown.

“It's going to take more than a few seconds,” Harry comments, and takes the frosting from Louis. He bangs it against the edge of the island, the sound visibly startling Louis. The solid block of frosting falls right into the bowl Louis had gotten. Harry gives him a smile as he walks past Louis to the microwave that sits on the counter to the left of the refrigerator and slides it in. Harry doesn't take it out until it looks like it's thawed entirely, then pulls it out with a hot pad. Coming up beside Louis, he pokes his index finger in the frosting and sucks it into his mouth. “Not that warm.”

He pokes another finger in it.

Louis waves his fingers away from the frosting, and he uses the knife from before to taste it. The temperature appears to be okay with him, judging by the pleased look on his face.

“It's really good,” he confesses quietly to Harry. He puts his knife in the dishwasher full of other dirty utensils and grabs clean knives and forks to use and separate plates for Harry and him. “I don't want to put any frosting on it, by the way,” he adds.

Harry pauses.

“What? Why?” He pulls his eyebrows together in confusion, and looks at Louis instead of the cake. What kind of person doesn’t want frosting on their cake?

“I prefer to have it on the side and dip the cake in the frosting,” Louis explains. “It tastes better to me that way.”

For a few moments, Harry stares at him, and Louis stares back, a little challenge in his face. His assistant is weird. But he can work around it. So, he nods, saying, “We can do that, no problem.” Then he remembers: “Wait.” He walks over to a drawer a few feet from them and rummages through it until he pulls out two things: a large pack of single candle sticks, and candle numbers 2 and 7. “Can't forget these.” Harry sticks the numbers right in the centre, then surrounds it with twenty-seven of the fifty count of blue candles. It's a very crowded cake, and crumbly and has new cracks added into the old ones because of the force of all the candles. It’s ugly, in Harry’s opinion; the cake, the stereotypical candles, how bare and destroyed it all is – but when he lifts his head to look at Louis, into his blue eyes that have specks of green and grey, his chest eases. Stops. Momentarily. This . . . isn’t so ugly.

Quickly, he lights all of the candles. “Okay,” he says upon lighting the last one, and sets down the lighter. “Make a wish.”

Louis ends up staring at his face instead of blowing out the candles right away. He searches Harry’s face. And Harry doesn’t know what to do besides stare right back. Finally, Louis tears his eyes away and leans down, blowing out the candles. They leave a trail of smoke in the air and a very distinct candle stench that Harry hates. But Harry pretends, and chooses to clap him for and whistle. Louis laughs at him, something soft and something high that pulls at Harry’s chest. He starts picking the candles out of the cake, and Harry notices a soft tinge of pink colouring the apples of his cheeks.

Harry doesn’t know why, so, he ignores it.

Louis cuts the cake and gives the first slice to Harry, then gives one to himself. Harry suffocates his slice in frosting very carelessly. Dolly retreats back to them and tries to rub her face in the bowl of chocolate and what's on their plates, but Harry grabs her with both of his hands and tucks her underneath his arm. She struggles to free herself the entire time; Harry ignores it. Even when they sit back down on the sofa to continue watching their movie. Harry doesn’t see it coming when Dolly whips her paw around and slashes at his skin, causing a long and bright red scratch down his forearm. He lets her go immediately, pissed off.

He sees Dolly strut right into Louis's lap, and walks in circles before settling down to rest on his thighs. Her relaxed exterior pisses him off more.

“Are you okay?” Louis asks, concerned, eyes full of concern.

Harry’s jaw tenses. “It burns,” he answers truthfully, “but I’m fine. She's just in a mood today.” He rolls his eyes.

There’s a frown on Louis’s face when he glances down at Dolly, but he doesn’t say anything further. Harry chooses to suck it up and finish eating his cake while ignoring Dolly. The scratch thankfully never bleeds, as they finish the rest of their movie, eating the entire cake by themselves. Louis doesn’t finish the next slice he eats, but Harry has no problem eating the rest of it for the both of them.

Harry's licking the icing off his fork when he looks at Louis. The half piece of pure cake is still there on Louis’s plate. “What did you think?”

Louis's eyes flicker up at him, meeting his gaze. Breathing in a soft breath, he nods his head.

“It was good; I liked it. I love Cameron Diaz.”

“Me, too,” Harry admits. “She's very nice.”

“Have you met her?”

Humming, Harry nods once. “Met her on the red carpet at some award show. I think I have a picture.” Louis huffs out a chuckle. “Do you want to watch another movie?”

Louis stays silent for a moment, then shrugs and rests a hand on Dolly, whom lays sleeping in his lap. “Sure. But you pick this time.”

“It's still your choice,” Harry reminds him.

Breathing out a purposely heavy annoyed sigh, he says, “I choose you to pick the next thing we watch.”

“That's not how it works.”

“Sure, it is. It's my birthday.”

Harry stares at Louis, pressing his lips together. It becomes a staring contest between them. It goes on for several moments until Harry blinks and looks away. “I can't argue that,” he says, finally.

“Exactly,” quips Louis, as he gently drops the remote in Harry's outstretched hand, palm turned up.

They watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s, then when Harry turns on Meet the Parents, he notices Louis’s eyes start closing. He repetitively glances out of the corner of his eyes at Louis, watching him nod off until he’s sound asleep. Harry’s chest grows soft as he stares at Louis’s tired, pale face. His thin lips are slightly parted, like he should be snoring. Him and Dolly both sound asleep on each other is a rather humourous sight. He decides to leave Louis be and turns his attention to the television to watch the movie. There’s something . . . oddly comforting about the silence; Louis sleeping beside him, the hum of the telly, the filling sensation that encompasses the silence. It’s not so lonely–not so what Harry’s used to. By the end of the movie, he grabs his own plate and stands up, then does his best to grab Louis’s without disturbing him. But Louis’s eyes flutter open at the accidental brush of contact that Harry internally curses himself for. Louis straightens out his very tilted sleeping position, and looks up at him through squinted eyes.

Harry gives Louis a genuine apologetic look, and quietly says, “Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you.”

Louis delicately rubs his eye with the back of his right hand, and stretches his legs, breathing out a tired sigh. He blinks his eyes a few times to adjust. “It's fine,” he rasps. “Sorry I'm falling asleep.”

“Don't apologise,” Harry gently tells him.

He continues off to the kitchen. After scraping off pieces into the rubbish and rinsing off their plates, he lays them on the counter, then hesitates. The image of the gift bag still in the other room floats to the forefront of his mind. He looks over his shoulder at Louis, and finds him distracted by Dolly, and makes a quick decision. Harry speed walks to the other room on silent heels and grabs Louis’ gift bag, then makes his way back into the front room. Louis looks up the exact moment Harry approaches him, and the movements of his hand combing Dolly’s fur stop when his eyes fall down and spot a white bag in Harry's left hand.

“What ‘ave you got there?” His tone is careful.

Harry sets the shopping bag right in his spot, close enough for Louis to reach into. Harry sits on the edge of the settee on the other side of Louis, at an angle facing Louis, and he looks him directly in the eyes. “I thought I'd give this to you, before you completely black out on me,” he says. “It's not really a celebration without gifts, too.”

Louis pushes himself up to sit straighter. “Harry . . .” He looks at a loss for words – lips parted on nothing; uncertainty scaling his face and eyes; touching the bag’s thin, black handles like it’ll burn him. “You didn't have to get me anything. Dinner, movies, the cake, I'm perfectly content just with that.”

Harry presses his lips together lightly and nods. “I know,” he says, forcing his gaze to not leave Louis's. “But I want to do this for you. Don’t make me repeat myself; I’m not good with complimenting people. Just accept it.”

“Harry—”

“Fucking accept it,” he says.

Glancing between Harry's face and the bag, Louis touches it again.

He leans forward and peeks inside. It’s covered by black, decorative tissue paper, and Harry watches him use both hands to remove all the tissue paper.

He knows the second Louis sees it. He pauses, gaze unblinking and widening just enough for Harry to catch. He sees the backpack from Givenchy Harry had gotten him. That was . . . another thing he managed to get out of Niall. Louis’s allegedly been so back and forth about buying it for himself that Harry decided to choose for him. It was extremely easy to find, and even easier to buy. It was probably the easiest gift Harry’s ever had to shop for. But–he didn’t think it was enough; he had bought a bag of Reese’s, as well as wrote a check out for Louis and put that in the backpack for him. Maybe it would make up for everything, Harry’s hoping–maybe it’ll . . . Harry shouldn’t be hoping for anything, really. But after Rachel had a talk with him and made him feel like a shitty person, he’s hoping this’ll convey Harry’s guilt. Or apology. Louis might not recognise it as that, but that’s okay.

“Open it,” Harry instructs softly.

Louis quits just staring at the bag and unzips it. Suddenly, he looks up at Harry and smiles at him, face glowing in happiness. Harry can’t help the smile he gives him in return. Louis backs down and–a little laugh is pulled out of him. Harry’s eyebrow furrow, a little, in wonder.

“What's so funny?” Harry asks.

Louis pulls the bag of candy out to show Harry, without speaking.

Harry's gaze shifts from Louis to the treat, a confused but amused smile splitting across his lips. He . . . doesn’t understand. It’s candy. Harry shrugs like what about it? and Louis shakes his head in response and mumbles never mind. Setting the candy down beside Dolly, he grabs the check.

Louis scoffs, shaking his head as he begins to read it, and asks, “How much is this?”

But he abruptly stops, face falling.

“Five thousand dollars,” Harry casually answers, despite his heart picking up pace again. Louis lifts his head to look at him, but he doesn't say anything. Is it too much? Is it too forward? Did Harry cross a line? Maybe he was wrong for buying Louis his dream backpack and a check. But if he just stuck with the candy, then Harry would look like he put in the least amount of effort in. And this is the line he struggles with: either going too far, or not doing enough. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing,” Louis answers immediately. Then he releases a breath, knowing he’s full of it. “This is too much, Harry.”

Harry blinks, then stamps on his racing heart and pulls out his detached face. “Louis,” he begins, stern, “don’t even start. That?”—he points to the check—“That is pocket change to me. We’ve gone over this. I have more money than I’ll ever know what to do with. I don’t see better use for it than for charity and for using it to buy whatever you want. Don’t feel bad about me using my own money. Eat the rich, or whatever they say.”

“Do you even know what that means?” Louis asks.

Harry pauses.

“Yes and no. But that’s a different conversation for another day.”

Louis blinks, breaking his gaze from Harry. Harry watches him closely, and waits for something. Louis’s face is concentrated; furrowed eyebrows, a far away look in his crystal clear eyes. He’s thinking something, and as much as Harry would love to get inside that pretty little head of his, he merely settles for waiting. Dolly comes poking through, however, weaving herself effortlessly and expertly through Louis's arms. She throws her arms up to cling to the opened backpack, and stands on her hind legs to peer inside. She stuffs her entire head in it, and it breaks Louis out of whatever it was, making him chuckle.

Harry just shakes his head.

Louis wraps his fingers around her legs to pull her back out of his backpack, but she clings hard. Harry finds himself laughing softly at the image before him, and he intervenes quickly. He softly scratches behind Dolly's head, then transitions into wrapping his hands around her bottom. He picks her up upside down, successfully having Dolly let go.

Harry pulls her to his chest.

Louis's small chuckle turns into a giggle, and he shakes his head. He reaches for his phone on the coffee table, and Harry watches his face change to realisation.

“I have to go,” he announces.

Dolly falls out of Harry’s grip and runs away.

He looks at Harry.

Harry puts on an unreadable face. “You have to go?” he repeats.

“Yeah,” Louis responds as he stands up. “I have a flight in the morning. Remember? I have to get up really early, and triple check all my belongings. It’s a long flight, so, I’ll need some proper rest.”

“All right,” Harry agrees. He walks first to the door, with Louis following suit, after placing his backpack back into the bag, along with the check. “When's your flight?”

“Hm,” Louis hums. “I think 7.45 in the morning.”

“Harsh,” Harry comments lightly. He lifts his hand to rub at his neck a moment. “I hope it's good. Tell your mum I said hello.”

Louis nods. “I will. And I hope it is, too.” There's a slightly awkward pause, on Louis's end. But it doesn’t last. “Listen . . . I want to thank you for—”

Harry interrupts him.

“No problem.”

“You didn't have to,” Louis points out. He's clearly not going to let Harry wave it off. “You didn't have to do anything at all, but you did. I just want you to know that it's one of the nicest things someone's ever done for me, and that I really, really appreciate it.”

Louis looks at with the most serene face, conviction in his tone. It causes Harry to be temporarily weak.

“You're welcome,” he says in response, hands clasped behind his back for something to hold on to.

Harry doesn’t see it coming – Louis steps forward with confidence, coming into Harry’s personal space, and raises himself onto his toes to wrap his arms around Harry’s shoulders. Those icy nerves return alight and burn him. He’s paralysed for several moments; all he registers is the faint scent of floral notes reaching into his nostrils and brushing against his nose hairs. It’s not overwhelming; it’s the perfect aroma of flowers and fruitiness. Based on his own colognes he’s sampled and bought before, this one could be YSL – or maybe it’s ones he’s seen, such as Lancome. They carry a lot of floral perfumes. Either way, it’s very pleasing. And before he can think, he sneaks his arms around Louis’s small waist–it’s much smaller and slimmer than it looks–and spreads his fingers across the bottom of his spine and the middle of his back.

It’s only a moment later Louis pulls back.

Even though Louis doesn’t look at him, he can’t stop staring at Louis, completely dumbfounded.

“I'll see you in a couple weeks,” says Louis, smiling, when he looks up at Harry. “I'm a text and phone call away if you need anything, okay?” Louis raises a pointed eyebrow at him, giving Harry a look. “Don't hesitate, okay? I won't mind.”

Harry nods.

He’s not going to, but he’ll pretend for Louis.

“Got it,” he says, pressing his lips together.

The pointed look remains on Louis's face.

“I mean it,” he presses, to ensure his message is across.

Harry rolls his eyes and straightens out his posture. “I know,” he sighs. “I’ve survived nearly a decade without you, so, I don't think anything I can't handle is going to happen in the time you'll be gone.”

Louis throws his hands up in surrender.

“Hey, I didn't say you couldn't handle any one thing. I implied quite the opposite, actually,” he corrects.

Harry plays along.

“No need to rub my already swollen ego.”

Louis smiles, huffing out a small laugh. It’s the softest expression he’s ever seen on a face. It’s so caring. Harry doesn’t–understand how he can be so gentle. “Never happy with anything, are you?” he teases.

Harry smiles. “Nope,” he says. “Comes with being a perfectionist. And just being me, in general.”

“I see.” There's silence that falls over them like a blanket. Harry’s hoping Louis will take the cue and leave, but he stays. “What do you plan to do for Christmas?”

Harry blinks.

“I don't know,” he answers. “I don't do much for Christmas, really. I don't celebrate it.”

Louis raises an inquiring brow. “Because of religious reasons, or . . . ?”

Harry shrugs. He doesn’t talk about it with anyone. He’s certainly not going to discuss it with Louis. “Nah. Just don't celebrate it, that's all,” he answers, giving Louis a small smile that he knows doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Not even with your parents?” Harry shakes his head, choosing not to say anything more. With that, Louis drops the subject. “Don't forget to—”

“I'm kicking you out,” Harry says, tone flat, and a finger pointed to the door behind Louis.

He walks around him and opens it.

“You're kicking me out?” Louis repeats,, smiling and now standing so close to the door frame, as he keeps his gaze on Harry, whom now leans against the side of the red door, arms crossed and one foot hooked around the other.

Harry nods vigorously, eyebrows risen.

“Get out. Right now.”

“Fine, I'll leave,” says Louis, raising his hands as he walks out onto the stone walkway, “but not because you're threatening me; but because I want to.” He keeps on walking down the small set of stone steps and across the path leading to the driveway.

“Louis,” Harry calls out without thinking, just going on the feeling of restricted air in his chest. Louis looks over his shoulder, as his hand pulls his car keys out of his pants pocket, and his strides slow. He stares at Harry with patience, and it’s the last thing Harry wants to see in his face, because he won’t be seeing him for a while. “Merry Christmas. Happy birthday. Have a safe flight.”

Louis’s mouth curves up in a gentle, genuine smile.

“Thank you. Happy New Year,” he calls back.

Harry closes the door two-thirds of the way, not willing to let go of the sight of Louis quite yet. He needs to see him get safely in his car and drive away – he can’t let that feeling go. The restriction in his chest worsens when he watches Louis open his car door, but it eases slowly when Louis looks back. In fear of coming off creepy, he closes the door. But he stays behind it to listen to the engine start – to see the red lights reflect against the windows and the distant sound of his car fade until Harry can’t hear anything anymore. Then he turns around, inhaling a deep breath when his vision lands on Dolly sitting on her bum patiently by the stairs, watching him.

“Dolly,” he says – she tilts her head – “Am I too much?”

Dolly mews and walks off.

He’s always changing himself, changing his style, his image. He’s either always too much or not enough; there’s no healthy balance. Maybe he’ll try working on it in Louis’s absence, so, he doesn’t have to fret over it every time he says or does something he’s not familiar with. He doesn’t want to scare Louis off.

#drabbles #hiiii i hope this doesn't disappoint! i had a headache while doing this lol so i hope it turns out decent-ish!

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hklnvgl · 3 years

Note

Hi! I have a totally random question lol. I've seen a few people compare Pynch to Wolfstar (and Adam and Ronan to Lupin and Sirius as people too). What I don't get it folks saying that Wolfstar was a 'better' (stronger? more interesting? idk) ship than Pynch. I mean..? I don't see it, personally. What am I missing here?

👋 hi! i’m gonna begin this (i’m guessing it’s gonna get long—i’ve actually filled two pages of handwritten notes to try and make sense of my many opinions about this) with a disclaimer: my approach to shipping is very different when it comes to pynch and other fandoms. normally, i’m not actually a very active shipper—when i read fics for other fandoms i normally look for plot and feelings and, because most of the time there’s shipping involved, i usually don’t mind if a ship is there and might actually enjoy it but it’s not something i tend to go out of my way to search for. i just don’t usually ship fictional couples romantically! it’s all the same for me if they’re canon or not (though if they’re canon they will have more canon scenes together so that might help me to eventually ship them? idk i’m just the least romantic person you can find out there 🤣)

so that’s why i haven’t read a lot of wolfstar fics (i think maybe 2 or 3 where the focus was on their relationship? i remember a quite lovely texting au) and even less meta—when i read hp fics i will look for explorations of harry’s abuse, which is what gives me feelings, and in those wolfstar is usually there bc they adopt harry or something like that.

that said, and having therefore canon!wolfstar in mind (perhaps the similarities are stronger in fanon, i just don’t know enough to say!), i really don’t see why people would compare them either (apart from the fact that they’re popular mlm ships?) and i do have to agree with you that pynch is a more interesting ship (for me!)

and, yes, i can see there are a few traits remus and adam might share if you squint, but imo once you start really thinking about it they’re two very different characters! they’re both said to be poor on text, but in adam’s case that comes from the family he was born into and if i remember correctly remus’ dad was middle class (i can’t remember exactly but i think he worked for the ministry?) and remus was poor only because he couldn’t hold a job due to him being a werewolf. idk if people’s comparisons go further and they see cabeswater as a parallel to the werewolf thing? but if that’s the case adam made that choice himself and he embraced it eventually and it’s actually crucial for the resoultion of the series’ plot! remus being a werewolf was great for book 3′s plot twists and for shunning him out of society and little else. personality-wise i guess they’re both smart? i do think remus is more the type to give up after a while but 🤷‍♀️ (oh is it bc if wolfstar were canon it’d be implied that remus is bisexual bc of tonks??)

now when people compare ronan and sirius they only look at the surface which makes me super mad! they say they’re the same just bc they’re brash? and wear leather? and were born in rich families?? but sirius was abused as a child and left his family bc he was the odd one out (which in the lynch family would actually be more accurate to say declan is??) and ronan’s trauma comes from a wildly different place! arguably niall (and aurora? apparently from that little snippet of mister impossible i haven’t read yet) were also abusive to him but definitely not in sirius’ way? (that’s actually closer to adam’s family’s brand of abuse!)

i’ve also seen people say the gangsey’s dynamic is the same as the marauders’! and i’m sorry but i really think that’s not true! for starters we only see the marauders as a whole in flashbacks! and not even then bc lily was not part of the group yet (i guess people compare her to blue bc they’re the only girls??) imo the marauders (or what we see of them) do not inspire healthy friendship feelings! james is the leader and a big asshole and only sees sirius as his equal—he is very happy with peter’s (apparent) worship and i guess they all were super happy to believe remus was the traitor bc they didn’t trust him enough (a werewolf will always be a werewolf) and everyone completely oversaw peter (which i guess is why he did what he did but he’s too plain of a character to have had believable motivations when he turned to voldemort) and he was considered second-class among the group. also that scene with snape in book 5, where we see them all together, is not the gangsey’s dynamic at all??

anyway. back to wolfstar/pynch. the only canon moments in which they give me similar vibes are, for wolfstar, in book 5 when harry firecalls grimauld place from umbridge’s office (i think it was that moment) and we kind of can guess sirius and remus are spending time together at the house and have this caramaderie going (that i guess could be interpreted as shippy) and, for pynch, back in trb when ronan is driving adam to the trailer park for the last time and he says: “man, you don’t have to go back in there” (and i remember thinking in my first read something long the lines of “aw, they are friends after all!).

so. because adam and ronan are part of the main cast of their series they are more flashed out as character (i’ll always think sirius and remus did have potential but everything was too tangled in the plot and, besides, hp is harry’s story!) and i actually do care more about what happens to them as individual characters! but i also ship them! their relationship and their dynamic simply appeals more to my personal tastes! i believe they are perfect for each other and i could read a thousand alternative first meetings and soulmate aus with them as protagonists and i’d never get bored.

as of wolfstar, well, as i said i don’t mind if i go into a fic and they’re a couple in there (they’re cute, sure!), and they’re great friends and obviously care for each other, but we do see too little of them together and how they would counter their respective differences for me to say they’re a perfect couple (they might have been in a different universe and i’m sure there are plenty of fics out there that explore that, which i personally have not read simply bc i lack the motivation to do so).

tl;dr: i like adam and ronan more as separate characters and i just love the dynamic they have in canon, which is why i enjoy reading/writing about them as a ship. imo, wolfstar had potential but hp was not about them and if people say they ship them i nod as i do when a friend tells me irl they’re seeing someone new and i hope they make each other happy.

perhaps someone who’s more deeply in the wolfstar fandom can add a different view to this?

#pynch #wolfstar #trc #hp #i do realise i didn't answer your question #sorry this was long to say i have no idea why people might prefer wolfstar to pynch #ask #d #creativefiend19

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heroloverangel · 4 years

Text

New Opportunity

Our final Dadcademia is...less fluffy than the others for obvious reasons. 🔥🔥

You’re not expecting company today, but it’s not a surprise to hear a knock at the door. You’ve been home from the hospital for a few hours now; some friends visited earlier and your landlord stopped by to make sure the apartment was properly baby-proofed. You look over to make sure your newborn daughter is still asleep before you greet your guest and your body freezes. It takes a few seconds to recognize him without the fiery beard.

“Endeavor?”

“Do you mind if I come in?” You step back to allow him inside and get a good look at him. Your eyes move from the long scar across the left side of his face to the civilian clothes he’s wearing. No wonder you didn’t recognize him at first, he’s not even in costume and you’ve never seen him so casual. He looks just as good as always, and you’re slightly annoyed by it. It’s been months since you’ve met face to face, when you had to confess that you were pregnant.

You’re a fairly minor hero, ranked 87th on the charts and your popularity has only fallen since you went on hiatus. You have practically nothing in common with Endeavor, but a year ago he’d requested local heroes as backup for a mission and the two of you got along surprisingly well. It was supposed to be a casual fling, just a way to relieve the pressure of such a demanding job. But then he decided to improve things with his estranged family, and the pregnancy test came back positive, and the two of you had a huge fight that led to you storming out of his office for good.

You’re not completely heartless, though. You made sure to send him regular updates when you had appointments, things like your due date and the sex of the baby, and his responses were always positive but distant. Still, you were shocked when he agreed to be listed on her birth certificate. As the top hero and a married man, he’d face much more backlash than you would if your affair were to be discovered.

You find him standing in front of the crib, staring down at his fifth child. She’s woken up and gazes back at him with interest. “She looks like me,” he points out quietly. It’s true; plenty of people have red hair, that alone is easy enough to overlook. Paired with those intense blue eyes, however, and it’s easy to tell exactly who her father is, especially if they’re together. “You chose a good name for her.”

“Hikari,” you confirm, letting yourself relax a little more. You watch him reach towards the crib and your newfound maternal instinct goes off. “Be careful with her! Make sure you support her head, she’s delicate.” Endeavor doesn’t roll his eyes at you, but the look on his face says he’s fighting the urge.

“I’ve had four other children,” he reminds you flatly. “I’ve held a baby before.”

“And how many years ago was that?” You both stare at each other for a moment before he backs down, taking noticeably more care in lifting the little girl up into the crook of his arm. She looks so tiny and fragile in comparison, it’s hard to believe he’s partly responsible for her. Hikari blinks up at him, curious about this new person in her life. Her small hand wraps around one of his large fingers and to your surprise, he smiles. “I think she likes you.”

“My others weren’t this affectionate,” he admits, and then without warning the baby pulls the finger into her mouth like she’s trying to eat it. Your jaw drops when he actually laughs, and some part of you feels just a little bit bitter about your circumstances, that his recent change of heart didn’t come around a little earlier. His voice pulls you out of your thought and you look back to see him wiping his hand clean of his daughter’s drool.

“Sorry, could you repeat that?”

“I said I’ll need copies of her records. I’m having a trust fund arranged for her.”

You try to wave him off. You know enough about the drama surrounding the Todoroki family, and your first impulse is to avoid as much of it as possible. “You don’t have to do that. I make enough to take care of her, and your family-”

“She is part of my family,” he cuts you off. “All of my children received one when they were born. It’s only fair for her to have her own as well. I’m sure their opinion of me can’t get any worse once they learn about their sister.”

You swallow. “Are you sure?” You have to force the words out through the lump in your throat. You can’t put a word to the emotion gnawing at you. It’s some strange combination of appreciation, excitement, and regret that leaves a confusing feeling in your stomach. It was almost easier to deal with your situation when he was just a terrible person and you knew what to expect.

“I’m sure. I didn’t expect to have another opportunity to be acceptable father, I won’t squander that again.”

You’re at a loss for words. What are you even supposed to say to that? Awkwardly you pat him on the shoulder, as if this isn’t the most intimate conversation you’ve ever had with the man. “I...I’m sure she’ll be happy to have you involved.”

His eyes go from the baby’s face to yours. “And you?”

You look away to give yourself a moment to consider. “I don’t mind. I think it would be good for her to have both of us around. I can get you a key, so you can come over and see her when you want.”

Endeavor nods. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s more than you would have considered even a few days ago. This is the biggest step the two of you can take right now, and it’s enough. “I’d like that. Thank you.”

#hero dadcademia #bnha x reader #endeavor x reader #vague mentions of cheating btw

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actuallylorelaigilmore · 3 years

Text

TATMILB, CHAPTER 2

Penelope spent her life writing love letters, which didn’t seem like a terrible idea until the letters were mailed out and Schneider received one of them. Hoping to fool their exes, they agree to fake a relationship. But are they lying to everyone around them, or to themselves? aka my To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before-inspired AU.

Penelope x Schneider, ODAAT. available on ao3 with extra author’s notes.

Chapter 2: Penelope is confronted by Nikki, who accuses her of having feelings for Schneider. Alex’s high school drama hits too close to home. Schneider joins the family for dinner; hijinks ensue.

“I got a call about a packet I needed?” Penelope asked the receptionist while she waited for Alex to get out of his last class. “I think it’s for my son’s baseball season. Alex Alvarez.”

The woman at the desk nodded and walked away, leaving Penelope alone in the silent office. Every visit to the school made her feel vaguely guilty, echoes from her own youth. Or maybe today, it was the knowledge that she’d taken time off work to run errands. She wanted Alex to be able to do things like baseball, but missing the hours felt irresponsible.

Scrolling idly through social media, Penelope took a second to consider her schedule for the rest of the day. Pick Alex up since she already had to come here, grab groceries on the way home...homework for the kids before dinner but also for her...hopefully time for a movie, if she didn’t crash first. Her school schedule had her worn out lately. She was so close to the end of it.

With her eyes on her phone, she didn’t see Nikki walk up, though she heard the click of sharp heels on the floor--and the sharp clearing of her throat.

“Penelope!”

“Nikki.” Ugh.

She couldn’t seem to get away from Schneider’s not-girlfriend lately. Though they had broken up three or four times by now--Penelope had lost count, not that she was really keeping track--their hookups were back on again, as nauseating as ever.

Penelope had no idea what Schneider saw in her, even for meaningless sex. She was just so...Nikki. And after Homecoming, Schneider had been really upset. The most genuinely hurt by a woman that Penelope had ever seen him.

She had tried her hardest to be sympathetic in between hovering at her Mami’s bedside and mourning her own breakup...but then a month later, Nikki was back in the picture.

As Schneider’s best friend, she couldn’t be expected to say nothing about that. It was insane. A terrible idea.

Apparently so was telling Schneider the truth about the situation, because during his next fight with Nikki, Penelope’s words found their way out of his mouth. Now Nikki was even more venomous than she used to be whenever they crossed paths.

It wasn’t like she’d told Schneider not to go back to hooking up with Nikki, Penelope thought in her own defense. She just hadn’t been in favor of it.

“Are you signing up for extra volunteer hours this year?” Nikki asked, a little too close as she leaned against the reception desk next to Penelope. “You know you’re running behind again, and the St. Bibiana PTA always needs...dedicated parents, who really care about the success and future of their kids, to help out here.”

Penelope sucked in a breath and silently counted to three. “I’m sure that’s true,” she replied. “Just like the world needs dedicated nurses to help out those kids and their parents when they get sick.”

As if being a working parent was a bad thing, she thought, furious. As if Nikki was giving so much to the world by sitting on her butt during charity events and hitting on other people’s husbands while she volunteered.

“What are you up to today?” She asked, instead of getting into any of that. You do not fight with a snake, she could her Mami advising her, with the wisdom of a woman who’d dealt with plenty of them in her long lifetime. Unless you want to get down in the dirt with it.

“Oh, just checking on the Prom committee’s budget. The kids have started planning, and we want to make sure they have the most fun ever, don’t we?”

“Of course.”

She remembered Prom fondly, but now that she was a parent instead of a teenager sneaking booze in her bra--especially since she used to be a teenager who did that sort of thing--Penelope’s thoughts on Prom were much more along of the lines of please God don’t let my son have too much fun.

“Are you going to be a chaperone this year?”

Penelope checked the time, wondering what was taking the receptionist so long. Once she got the forms turned in, it would be easy to make a quick exit. She could wait for Alex in the car.

“I don’t know. I’ll have to check my schedule when we’re a little closer to the date.”

“Well, don’t wait too long to decide.”

“I’m not planning on it.”

Nikki’s tone slid from bossy to patronizing. “You know, if you don’t get those hours in, there’s a fine.”

“Yes, I got it!” Penelope snapped back. “I have no intention of skipping out on my volunteer hours this year, just like I haven’t missed them any other year.”

“Jeez, Penelope.” Nikki tossed her hair, victorious at the show of temper. “There’s no need to get upset.”

“Oh, don’t tell me how to feel, thank you. I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.”

“I saw an acquaintance, a fellow parent,” Nikki’s tone dripped faux affection, making Penelope’s fingers twitch. The urge to remove her earrings was strong. “I wanted to say a friendly hello, because anything else would just be rude, wouldn’t it? While we waited here, in our kids’ school? But you know, Penelope, it’s not my fault that Schneider likes me more.”

Her jaw dropped. “What?”

“Your crush on your landlord. It’s painful to watch, and it makes it hard to try and get along with you. Maybe you should talk to someone about that...the fact that you have a thing for Schneider.”

She took a full step back, trying to digest Nikki’s accusation. Did the idea somehow come from Schneider? If he thought she had a thing for him, wouldn’t he have said something to her instead?

“You’re crazy.”

“No, what’s crazy is the way you tried to weasel between Schneider and me after we had one little fight. I thought you didn’t understand what we have, because you’re such a conventional, old-fashioned person...but that wasn’t it. You wanted him all to yourself, so you tried to get rid of me. It didn’t work.”

Penelope shook her head. “Schneider and I are friends. Who he’s with has nothing to do with me, whether I think it’s a good idea or not.”

Obviously, she added silently, glaring at Nikki. Since he’s with you.

The receptionist came back, forms in hand, and Penelope almost expressed her relief out loud. She settled for a slightly louder thank you than was necessary, as she took a seat to fill them out.

Nikki became background noise then, grating but ignorable background noise. Penelope assumed she got what she’d come for as well, because she clicked her way back down the hall without further unpleasantness.

Something must have really gotten under Nikki’s skin, though Penelope couldn’t have said what--there was no reason for her to pick a fight in public over Schneider when, as Nikki herself had pointed out, they were back together.

Shrugging it off, Penelope went to her car and waited the ten minutes it took for classes to let out. Alex was easy to spot as he left, surrounded by his friends. It still amazed her sometimes that she had raised such an outgoing kid. He got that from Victor, she knew. She’d had friends in school, but not quite so many.

“Hey, Mom.” He slung his backpack onto the backseat as he settled in.

“Papito.” She ignored the urge to kiss him on the cheek, aware that parental PDA was worse than death now that her baby was half-grown. “We’re stopping at the store on the way home. How was your day?”

“Good.”

She glanced his way before pulling out of the lot. “Phone down, Alex. How about you give me more than one syllable, since I took time off just to make sure your extracurriculars are all set?” And got kind of attacked in the process.

He rolled his eyes, but slid his phone back into his pocket. “I don’t know, Mom. Things are good. What do you want from me?”

“Details. How are you doing in that science lab? How are your friends? What’s happening in your life?”

She stretched out the last word to make him laugh.

“Alright. The lab still kind of sucks, but Maddie helped me out today, so it wasn’t so bad. She’s in a fight with Casey this week.”

“That must be hard for your friends, huh.”

“Not really. We’re all used to it. They’re, like, always fighting. And it’s why she’s helping me--she wants to make him jealous.”

“So she’s using you?”

“She’s improving my science grade,” Alex replied, the duh heavily laced through his words. “And with Maddie all over me lately, Chloe’s trying to get more of my time, so I’m not exactly complaining.”

“Hold up. Are you saying you’ve got these two girls fighting over you? I don’t like the sound of that at all, Papito.”

“Come on, Mom. It’s just the price of being popular. Everybody wants my time.”

“I don’t care. You know I didn’t raise you to be that kind of guy, playing with girls’ feelings or pitting them against each other.”

“I didn’t ask them to be into me!” He protested. “What am I supposed to do, pretend I hate it? I thought you raised me not to lie.”

“Nobody’s saying you should lie. But you can pay attention to their feelings, not just your own. Being a girl is hard, you know--competing for a boy, worrying about whether he likes you back.”

And even when you’re not competing, other girls will believe you are, she thought. Clearly, not everybody grows out of that.

“My point is, you can enjoy the attention and still be honest. If you’re not into Maddie like that, don’t let Chloe think you are. It’s not fair to either of them.”

“Okay, okay. I get it.” Alex slumped a bit behind his seatbelt, shutting down the conversation.

Being the voice of reason led to so many sullen silences now that her kids were teenagers. She couldn’t claim to enjoy that part, but it also couldn’t be avoided. Who would talk to them about this stuff, if she didn’t?

The last thing she wanted was for Alex to grow up to date women like Nikki, directing their insecurities at innocent bystanders. Even though she knew Schneider would never have encouraged today’s bizarre attack, his continued involvement with Nikki made it possible. It took her the rest of the drive home to shake her irritation.

****

Schneider joined the family for dinner that night, like he had most nights since Elena left for Oxford. His presence didn’t fill up the space her daughter left behind, but Penelope welcomed it--at least he never ran out of lighthearted conversation, and always offered to clear the table when they were done eating.

Alex chatted with Lydia in the far corner of the kitchen while Schneider took over cleanup; her youngest had a knack for avoiding chores that she almost admired. No amount of cajoling or bribery had managed to affect it, so Penelope was pretty sure it was a lost cause by now.

Still, there were standards to uphold. She offered up a halfhearted “Papito, at least dry a dish,” but Schneider shook his head at her as he grabbed the last plate.

“I’ve got this, don’t worry about it. I like pitching in.”

She decided not to protest further. Let the rich white guy clean her house for once, Penelope thought, amused at all of them.

With her Mami and Alex discussing dessert options in the kitchen and Schneider at the sink, she got to the TV first--that never happened anymore. She picked something mindlessly entertaining on Netflix and settled in, happy to relax after dinner.

“What are we watching?”

Schneider was done cleaning up a lot faster than she would’ve expected. He took the other side of the couch without an invitation; not that she minded, really. The invitation was implied at this point.

“A documentary about submarines,” Penelope told him with a straight face. Why did he even bother asking? The show’s title was branded in the corner of the screen.

“Interesting,” Schneider said, playing along. “There’s an awful lot of cake-decorating going on here for an undersea adventure.”

“I guess so.”

She smiled at him and returned her attention to the screen. As soon as the others came to join them, her mom and Alex would team up to outvote her choice in programming. Until then, she would enjoy her silly food competition show in peace.

“Since when do you like reality TV?” Schneider asked, pulling her back to the moment.

“This isn’t reality TV,” Penelope shot back. “It’s not like the Real Housewives or something.”

“It’s literally listed as reality TV under the title, Pen. I’m not judging, just wondering.”

“It’s people making cake, okay? I like cake. And I definitely don’t have the energy to make cake. So I’m watching them do it.”

“You don’t have to get defensive,” Schneider said. “You’re allowed to enjoy mindless entertainment as much as the rest of us.”

It had the effect he probably intended, making her want to argue with him even more. Penelope was about to retaliate by bringing up his fascination with zoo livestreams, but her Mami’s lilting “Lupe, do you want me to make some cake?” distracted her long enough for Schneider to steal the remote and switch to a sitcom.

“Give that back--no, Mami, I don’t need you to make us cake--Schneider, you have terrible taste,” she said, all in one breath. “Hand it over before I make you.”

“Tough talk,” he replied, as she stood up to retrieve the remote he was holding out of her reach. His arms were longer than hers, but he also knew her well enough to stand when she did, wary of the damage she could do.

“Oh my god, are you twelve?” Penelope was seriously considering a gut punch now that Schneider’s height had her at a disadvantage.

She heard laughter and shot her mom and Alex a look over her shoulder. “Traitors.”

“I like this show,” Alex pointed out, unrepentant.

“Schneider washed all my dishes,” Lydia chimed in.

“Face it,” Schneider told her, shifting away whenever she moved in his direction, until he'd put the couch between them. “I have awesome taste, and you’re outnumbered.”

“I did more work today than you’ll do all month,” Penelope said, relaxing her stance. She watched him do the same. “You can play reruns at your own house whenever you want, Schneider. Let me have my cake show.”

“Take back what you said about me having terrible taste.”

She nodded and dropped her gaze to the carpet. “I take it back. You’re right, you have excellent taste.”

Seizing her moment while his guard was lowered, Penelope dodged the couch and snagged the remote. She grinned at him.

“In friends. You have really, very good taste in friends, Schneider.”

“Ha, ha.” He sat back down, ignoring the teasing coming his way from the kitchen.

Vicarious cake tasted even sweeter now that she was triumphant, Penelope decided, settling back into her own spot with a firmer grip on the TV remote.

“I’m rooting for the guy with the bluebirds,” Schneider decided, eyeing the last two contestants critically.

“What were you saying about having good taste?” She pointed at the screen when the camera switched to the waterfall cake. “That one is so much better. Your guy could barely pipe his flowers.”

Their debate as the episode wound down was comfortable, a return to normal that was especially welcome after such a weird day. She’d made the right call, she decided, in not telling him about what happened at St. Bibiana’s. It would have only made things awkward between them.

Nikki thinking that she was threatened by who Schneider chose to have sex with was so stupid, Penelope thought. It just showed how little Nikki understood about either of them.

Their friendship was better than anything he and Nikki could possibly have.

#alvareider #one day at a time #odaat #penelope x schneider #to all the men i've loved before #penelope alvarez #schneider #lydia riera #alex alvarez #nikki finn's mom #alvareider fic #odaat fic #my fic

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crystaljins · 5 years

Text

Take a chance. | 07 FINAL

Characters: Jungkook x Reader

Word count: 14.1K

Synopsis: You should have known the second your business partner asked you to plan his best friend’s wedding as a favour that it was going to be nothing but trouble. Especially when it turns out he’s in love with said best friend. And dying of a deadly disease because of it.

Hanahaki!au

Notes: Finales. Don’t we love them? It’s been a long journey with these two and hopefully this finishes on a note that we all feel is enough <3 Thank you guys for all the love and support you’ve shown me. I’ve been going through a really difficult and busy period of my life these past few months and I’m so grateful that you guys have loved and supported this story so much. I actually think it’s one of my most popular fics to date, and it’s definitely my biggest one. I’m so sad to see these guys go, but hopefully we can see them off with a smile

Till next time, my lovelies <3

@trumpettay @usuallyunlikelyfox @aureumjeon

Warnings: Angst. Graphic depictions of vomiting. Mentions of illness and death. Kissing.

Masterlist

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

A thin crease forms between Namjoon’s brows as he peers at the bloodwork in front of him. Jungkook nervously twiddles his fingers as the silence between them grows. Namjoon had demanded Jungkook get a blood test when he’d turned up for his first appointment in three whole weeks that morning, and yet now he’s silent now that he has the results. Jungkook becomes vaguely aware of a persistent tapping noise and slowly realises that it’s Namjoon, nervously bouncing his leg up and down.

“I don’t understand.” Namjoon finally says. “Your condition should have declined. Look at this.” He waves the paper displaying the blood results at Jungkook “See this number? That indicates the severity of your disease, and these were your levels when you first started coming for treatment. They’re so outside of the normal range that I was considering writing a case study on you for my next conference. But then look at this number.” He flips the page and points to another, much lower number, sitting only slightly outside the numbers declaring the normal levels for a healthy person beside it. “And these are your levels now. Despite not getting treatment for three weeks, not taking a single one of the medications I prescribed you and making my sister sick!”

Ah, so that explains Namjoon’s agitation. He’s mad because of you. Jungkook winces and stares awkwardly down at where his hands rest in his lap.

“I can go to a different doctor, if that would make you feel more comfortable.” Jungkook mumbles pathetically. Namjoon stares at Jungkook and his gaze is hard and unforgiving. The silence stretches out once more, before Namjoon sighs and his expression softens.

“There’s no need for that.” He finally says. “It would be hypocritical of me to tell people not to blame themselves for feelings they can’t control and then blame you for what is happening to her. But on any note, this is fantastic news and I shouldn’t be mad. I’m sorry.”

Jungkook blinks and straightens a little, finally raising his gaze to look at Namjoon. Namjoon offers a smile.

“You’re improving without intervention, Jungkook.” Namjoon tells him warmly. “I don’t know how or why, but you may even recover completely, at this rate.”

It takes Jungkook a moment to understand what Namjoon is saying, but when he does, hope springs into his chest. But then he slumps back down defeatedly.

“I thought the only way I could be cured is by hypnotherapy. That’s what all the other doctors told me.” He responds dully. He stares down at his hands- thanks to his illness, his circulation is always poor, and the tips of his fingers are always tinged a little bluish as a result. Today, oddly, they look a little pinker, a little healthier. And his skin doesn’t seem to have that awful translucent sheen that he’s always worried is a dead giveaway that he’s very, very sick. Namjoon nods, straightening out the papers with Jungkook’s blood results printed on them and laying them beside the keyboard resting on his desk.

“That’s the case in 95% of cases like yours.” Namjoon agrees. “With levels as high as yours were, and symptoms as severe, most doctors would recommend hypnotherapy. But it’s not the only way- there are plenty of things which proven to be just as effective as hypnotherapy. They just take much longer. I firmly believe that hypnotherapy should only be used as a last resort in emergency cases where the patient’s life is immediately at risk. Although, there is a lot of contention over this matter in the medical community. In my personal opinion and experience, though, the consequence of forgetting things from hypnotherapy is a huge deterrent for treatment and we lose far more patients than we should because they’re afraid of that outcome. Just like with you.”

“Then why do doctors suggest it at all?” Jungkook asks, feeling a little victimised. “I might have done things differently if I’d had another choice.”

“Would you have, though?” Namjoon asks, delicately arching and eyebrow. “Because even I was considering suggesting hypnotherapy to you. Your symptoms were so severe when you first came here that I had estimated that without any intervention you probably only had a month left in you. And don’t forget that my sister had to blackmail you into coming, even just for conservative treatment. You didn’t want to get better, Jungkook.”

Jungkook falls silent at Namjoon’s words, because they’re true. He didn’t want to get better. At least, in the past he didn’t, not really. Now, though… Your face flashes through his mind and his heart aches. Suddenly he wants to get better more than ever, and as quickly as possible.

“Though, I understand what you’re saying.” Namjoon continues. “But those doctors weren’t wrong in what they suggested. Imagine you’re a doctor, for a second, and a patient who is bleeding out through a wound in their arm comes to you. You could, in theory, wrap the wound with a compression bandage and hope that it clots before the patient bleeds out, because eventually (assuming the patient doesn’t die in the meantime), that would happen. Or, you could do surgery, instantly fix the problem and remove the risk that the patient bleeds out entirely. Which would you choose?”

“Surgery, I suppose.” Jungkook answers, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck. Namjoon nods.

“It’s the same with the counselling and therapy method vs hypnotherapy debate. A doctor can risk you dying in the hopes that you eventually get over those feelings, which would eventually happen if you don’t die in the process. Or they can suggest hypnotherapy and remove the risk of death entirely.” Namjoon finishes explaining. “This is all redundant with your case, though, because it is the strangest presentation I have ever seen in my career.”

Jungkook feel strangely flustered at Namjoon’s declaration and ducks his head awkwardly. Namjoon tilts his head curiously as he examines Jungkook over the rim of his glasses.

“What happened in those three weeks, Jungkook?” Namjoon asks. “You’re not obligated to tell me, but to rock up after a prolonged absence and be almost cured is baffling and I’d love to hear the reason for it. Especially after what happened to my sister.”

Jungkook presses his lips together as he contemplates the answer to Namjoon’s question. What had happened? You’d gotten sick- he’d locked himself away for two weeks in response and despair. And then Seri had convinced him to finally tell everyone the truth and he’d been rejected. It had been hell and yet at the end of it all you had rocked up to his apartment with a kind heart and warm dinner and now it all feels like a distant nightmare that happened to someone else.

“I got rejected. By Minah.” Is the simple recount Jungkook gives. Namjoon’s jaw drops.

“And you’re alive? After confessing to her?” Namjoon asks incredulously. Jungkook nods.

“Kind of. Seri convinced me to tell Taehyung and Minah about my illness.” He explains. “She told me the best thing to do was come clean and then I’d feel much better.”

Namjoon gapes incredulously for one moment longer before shaking his head in disbelief.

“I mean, I can’t say I’d have suggested the same thing given the risks involved, but I guess she doesn’t have a medical licence that can get suspended.” He sighs. He glances up at Jungkook. “We generally don’t recommend patients confess their feelings without the assistance and support of their doctor because it’s a high-risk action to take.” Namjoon admits. “But good on you for being brave. I just don’t understand how getting rejected could lead to an improvement, unless…” He trails away, and his gaze drops to a photo frame on his desk. It faces away from Jungkook, but he’s seen it before- it’s a photo of you, Namjoon and your mother, posing for a picture together. “Have you… have you spoken to (Y/N) at all?” Namjoon asks curiously. Something about the tone of Namjoon’s voice makes Jungkook’s cheeks feel hot and he quickly averts his gaze.

“Yeah. She made me dinner, the other night.” He admits with an awkward cough. He hadn’t planned on bringing up the dinner to Namjoon, or any of the resulting revelations that followed, considering Namjoon would probably not approve of such selfish and inappropriate thoughts towards his beloved younger sister. However, Namjoon doesn’t react with anger, like Jungkook had supposed he might. Instead his dimples make a surprise appearance as Namjoon holds back a sudden smile.

“I see.” Is the simple answer he offers, before glancing at the clock. “Well, we’re out of time here. Make sure to keep taking the meds I prescribed you because your blood results aren’t back to normal, yet which means you’re not quite in the clear. And I have homework for you, before the next session- completely optional and unrelated to your recovery, though.”

Jungkook gets to his feet and grabs his hoodie which is slung over the back of his chair as he awaits Namjoon’s homework.

“My sister helped you, when you were sick. She did that whole ‘help-you-get-over-Minah’ thing. I want you to do the same for her.” Namjoon says. “As in… you’ve had Hanahaki for a while, and she’s not coping well with it. I’d really like if you showed her some of the ways you’ve been coping with it over the past year, to help her.”

Jungkook pauses to consider his answer. He does owe you that much, at least- he’d go so far as to say he owes you so much more than just help with coping with your illness. If he’s really improved as much as Namjoon seems to think he has, then he owes you his life. So, it’s no hardship at all, to take on such a task.

Nor is he… exactly… opposed to spending more time with you. He offers Namjoon a warm smile.

“Sure thing.” He says. Namjoon grins and hands Jungkook a piece of paper. Jungkook squints at it.

“Coping with Hanahaki can be hard- there are a lot of painful symptoms of the disease that are difficult to manage with medication. Here are some suggestions of things you can try at home if you’re feeling unwell after an episode.”

“Here are some of the things we recommend patients trying at home, to manage their condition.” Namjoon explains. Jungkook abruptly grins- already ideas on how to go about this are starting to form in his head. “Maybe it’ll give you some ideas on how to help her.”

You aren’t expecting a lot of hubbub when you return to work after two weeks leave. Yes, your departure had been catastrophically dramatic, but you had assumed the time away was enough for things to cool down. You’ve certainly had time to process and calm down after the emotional turmoil you had unexpectedly been launched into. That had been your aim in taking time off, anyway- to just process things and let the simmering tension slowly dissipate. Yet, when stepping into the office that morning, you are completely caught off-guard by the way Seokjin practically tackles you. You feel you may rupture a lung- he really seems to be doing his best to squeeze as much air from you as he can.

“Welcome back!” He cries, and it sounds alarmingly close to a sob. When he pulls away, his eyes are moist and you feel an odd wave of fondness.

“Thank you, Jin.” You say warmly, referring to him by his chosen nickname, the one that he insists everyone call him. You have always avoided it in the interest of maintaining professionalism, much to his displeasure. It has the desired effect- his entire face lights up like he’s just won the lottery and a gigantic grin splits his face.

Seri’s greeting is more subdued, but no less warm. She merely asks her clients on the phone to hold for a moment while she offers you a beam, before returning to her work, exactly as you would expect her to. It’s an appreciated reaction, and the reaction you had desired and expected when finally returning.

Oddly, Jungkook’s reaction is the most dramatic, though he does not tackle you like Seokjin did. Instead, right as you are about to take your lunch break, he deposits a rather large picnic basket on your desk. You peer at it curiously before allowed your gaze to flicker up to your business partner. He’s staring determinedly at the ceiling like he will turn to stone if he meets your gaze, and rather than offer you a verbal explanation, he shoves a piece of paper into your face.

You curiously scan the contents and find it is one of the information pamphlets your brother likes to give out to first-time Hanahaki patients. You have no idea why he’s giving you this, or why he’s dumped a picnic basket onto your desk until your gaze lands on the first thing on the list of methods for managing the disease at home:

“1. Sunshine.

Many patients complain about low body temperatures and poor circulation when suffering from the disease. Sunlight (although make sure to always use sun protection!) has been proven to strengthen the body’s immune response to Hanahaki and improve energy levels in patients. If you’ve had a bad episode, try going for a walk or sitting out in the sun for a while, as this can help with the low body temperature and has numerous other health benefits.”

“I… I figured we could kill two birds with one stone.” Jungkook offers, surprisingly shyly. You stare at him in bewilderment, before peeking under the lid of the picnic basket- various containers of food sit within it. “Celebrate your return to the office and get some sunshine- to help manage your symptoms.”

Inside, your heart leaps at his suggestion. Despite everything, you still want to spend time with him, as pathetic as that is. But you are quick to school your features and scold your stubborn heart by employing cold, hard reason: You can spend all the time managing the disease in the world, but spending more time with the cause, and feeding yourself with the hope that he’ll move on from Minah and turn to you is just climbing deeper into the depths of Hanahaki. You purse your lips together.

“I don’t think this is what’s best for us, Jungkook.” You say softly. “I… you know why I have these symptoms, and you know better than anybody that spending more time with you could make them worse. If you want us to go back to what we were, then we should probably avoid spending unnecessary time with each other.”

Jungkook pulls a face rather like a kicked puppy and deflates just a little. But then he straightens with renewed determination, striding around the table and crouching before you. He grasps one of your hands between both of his and tugs it towards him. His expression is pleading.

“Let me help you.” He begs. “You’re important to me- I don’t want to see you in pain. I know, better than anyone else, how painful this can be, but I also know how best to cope with it. And this isn’t coming from a place of responsibility or a desire to get rid of your feelings, by the way, because I know you’re gonna refuse if it is. I want to do this because I want to spend time with you, and I want you to be happy and comfortable while I do. So please. Will you let me do for you what you did for me?”

You stare at him for a long moment, searching for any hint of that dreaded tendency of his to try and take responsibility for everyone else’s hardship. The last thing you want is for him to be going out of his way to spend time with you because of a sense of duty or obligation. But all you see in his gaze is sincerity. The look in his rounded, innocent eyes is warm and open and you feel your willpower crumbling beneath the weight of his pleas.

“Fine.” You agree, hoping you don’t come to regret this decision.

A short while later, you find yourself hovering awkwardly while Jungkook carefully lays out the contents of the picnic basket across the picnic blanket he brought with him. The park he’s brought you to is only a five-minute walk from the office, and since it’s a weekday, it’s absent of the usual sight of screaming children or dogs bounding down the pavement. Instead, a few office workers loiter around, enjoying the sunshine on their lunch break. Jungkook finishes laying down the last of his carefully prepared containers gleefully, before tugging you over by the hand and pressing down on your shoulders until you are forced to take a seat on the blanket. He stretches languorously beside you, leaning back on his elbows and squeezing his eyes shut as he soaks in the sunlight.

You hesitantly settle beside him, cross-legged. You squeeze your eyes to enjoy the warmth of the sun against your skin. You hadn’t realised how cold you were until this moment- a shiver, unbidden, wracks your body. Jungkook shoots up in the next moment, having felt the way you shuddered. His eyes are wide.

“Are you cold?” He demands, as if it’s a crime to be cold. You roll your eyes and are about to answer no, but he scrambles into a sitting position and yanks off his suit jacket. Before you can say a word of protest, he’s draping it carefully over your shoulders. The gentle, thoughtful action renders you speechless for a moment, and you’re stuck breathing in the scent of his cologne for the moment. The suit jacket is surprisingly heavy- your shoulders refuse to rise in a breath.

“A-aren’t you cold?” You mumble shyly, looking away. “You have Hanahaki too. You shouldn’t be giving up your jacket.”

Jungkook merely smiles, and wraps his hands around your cold fingers, which rest awkwardly in your lap, and to your surprise, his fingers are warm.

“I think I’ll be fine.” Is all he says, before turning away to pluck a grape from one of the containers.

Silence stretches beneath you for the next few moments, as you are at a lost of what to say, and you decide to focus on eating. It saves you the trouble of trying to find something to talk about, because suddenly it feels like too much strength to fill that silence. That’s why it surprises you when Jungkook starts talking.

“Be honest.” He says suddenly, adjusting his position and moving suddenly to rest his head in your lap. You almost flinch in surprise, but you don’t pull away or address it. He smiles, though it’s difficult to tell if the smile is at your lack of protest, or because of what he says next. “Do you prefer smooth or crunchy peanut butter? Because I used smooth, but I personally prefer crunchy. You just strike me as a smooth peanut butter kind of gal.” He admits.

“Actually, I’m allergic to peanuts.” You volunteer awkwardly. His eyes fly open in horror and his expression is so comical you burst out laughing. “Joking! Jokes. I’m not allergic.”

He stares at you incredulously for a long moment before shaking his head.

“I didn’t know you knew how to make jokes.” He comments seriously, but then he smiles. “You know, peanut allergies aren’t something to mess around with. I could have accidentally killed you.”

“It was in poor taste.” You agree with a frown. “I’m sorry- I don’t know what came over me.”

To your surprise, Jungkook merely laughs.

“There’s the (Y/N) I know and love.” He says seriously. “Wouldn’t know a joke if it hit her in the face.”

He doesn’t seem to notice his slip, or the way you fall abruptly silent at his words. You know he doesn’t mean it, at least not in the way you want him to mean it but for some reason your heart still flutters strangely at the words. You swallow awkwardly and if he notices the way your answers to his continued stream of conversation are weirdly stiff for the rest of your lunch hour, he doesn’t comment on it.

You don’t vomit any petals that night.

After the picnic, Jungkook doesn’t get another chance for a while to check in on your disease. A whole month passes without the two of you being able to chat properly about it. Suddenly everything with the wedding hits what you often refer to as the “go” period. Wedding planning often starts off slow, with couples taking their time to decide what they want and sort their new lives together. But once a date is set, often things become suddenly fast-paced- with deadlines come people who are unable to meet them, comes pressure, comes stress for the bride and groom. Of course, you are used to the stress of the “go” period, since it is a major part of your job, and Jungkook has seen you juggle multiple weddings in the “go” period at once. This is his first one, though, and he suddenly has a newfound appreciation for the complexity and stress of your job. It’s just as well though- you seem to withdraw further into your shell after the picnic and he can’t shake the feeling that you’re distancing yourself from him.

It’s not like there’s a way he can actively do anything about the second step of the pamphlet Namjoon had given him. At least, not for a good while, until one day Seri decide it’s appropriate for all four members of the event-planning firm to go out for a company dinner. Jungkook can count on one hand the number of times he has agreed to go with his coworkers in the last five years and he actually fully intends on keeping that number low. He has to go into the office tomorrow to make some last minute adjustments for Minah’s bridal shower in two days, and it’s a mere two weeks until her actual wedding. He doesn’t have time for this kind of frivolous outing- at least, he doesn’t until he overhears Seri encouraging you to take shots with her after dinner.

Alarm bells go off in his head and the words of Namjoon’s pamphlet begin to replay loudly in Jungkook’s mind:

“2. Avoid alcohol.

Hanahaki is known to reduce oxygenation and cause increased dehydration in patients, and alcohol can exacerbate these symptoms. A small amount with the advice of your doctor should be fine, but try to avoid heavy or regular drinking as it may temporarily worsen your symptoms. Some patients have also reported increased vomiting episodes following a period of drinking, although this is rare.“

“I’ll come!” Jungkook declares urgently, interrupting your reluctant agreement to do shots with Seri. Seri stares incredulously at Jungkook and slowly the smile slides off her face and something devious and scheming replaces it.

“You want to come, Jungkook?” She asks, her voice lightly curious and completely polite but he can’t help but pick out the undercurrent of something that no doubt spells trouble for him. He almost recants his desire to come, but one look at you and he knows he’s stuck.

“I… yes.” He says, though he feels vaguely like he’s sealing his doom.

“Jungkook’s coming?” Jin cries, emerging from your office where he’s stolen your stapler, the pink on with your name and the words “KIM SEOKJIN DO NOT STEAL” printed in permanent marker across the side. Your gaze flickers to the stapler and you glare. “This calls for something big!”

“I was just thinking the same thing, Jin.” Seri agrees, looking remarkably smug, like the cat that got the cream. “I don’t think our office outfits will do, though- I’m thinking we go home, get changed, and go all out for dinner tonight- and I’m thinking we should go clubbing afterwards.”

Jin blinks, as if he hadn’t expected Seri to play along with his desire for a big night out, but then he smiles.

“Sounds great.”

An hour later, Jungkook discovers why Seri had looked so scheming when Jungkook agreed to come along, because you step into the restaurant and he almost sprays his water all over the three entrees Jin had ordered for himself. Jin barely takes notice- he doesn’t lift his gaze from where he eyes his entrées, and simply pats Jungkook on the back repeatedly while Jungkook hacks his lungs out.

“They look delicious.” Jin comments, and Jungkook almost agrees until he realises that Jin is commenting on his food, and not the way you look tonight. Good thing he catches himself in time before he can embarrass himself. Seri is similarly dressed up, with her long sleek hair pulled into a high ponytail and an off-the-shoulder figure hugging dress and she looks beautiful, but she doesn’t make his heart skip a beat the way your appearance is currently doing.

You take your seat opposite Jungkook, oblivious to the way his lungs seem to have gone on strike with your proximity. You look so pretty. You’re always pretty, in personality and in looks but in that moment he could almost picture what being on a date with you would be like. He thinks that he would like it, probably. He’d like the way you’d almost definitely put a lot of effort in because you care about things like that and he’d like the way your face would light up when he tok you to a nice restaurant like this one because you like being pampered and he’d like the way his hand would look wrapped around yours while resting against the deep red of your dress when he eventually plucked up the courage to tug his seat next to your and grab your hand. But this is all hypothetical- he knows he’s not ready for that, not yet. Still…

“You look… amazing.” Jungkook comments softly. You look up, surprised, and then a shy smile that makes his heart ache crosses your face.

“Thank you.” You respond, unable to meet his gaze and the response is so endearing he feels like he’s melting. “Seri picked out my outfit.”

You’re welcome. Seri mouths at him, but he is unable to respond or thank her before the waitress is interrupting you to ask for your orders. The night almost goes smoothly from there- Jungkook almost forgets to order because he’s focusing on the way your hair curls softly against your exposed neck and the waitress has to refill his water every few minutes cause he can’t seem to dispel the sudden dryness to his throat and the longer he looks at you the worse it gets.

Finally, the part of the evening that he’s been dreading arrives- Seri leads the three of you confidently through the streets towards a club she had frequented a lot before landing a steady job. Jungkook himself used to frequent the club scene in his early twenties but he hasn’t been to one since the strange night where you had been trying to help him. Sudden anxiety seizes him at the recall of that night when he remembers how quick strangers had been to flock to you- what if that happens again tonight, where you somehow look even more beautiful?

He grasps your wrist right before you enter the club and leans in close to you. Seri and Jin walk ahead of you.

“You’re not going to drink tonight, are you?” He asks softly. You turn your head slightly to meet his gaze and he feels a little dizzy with the way all of your attention is suddenly focused on him and he wishes it could stay that way all night but he knows it’s a selfish thought and since he’s still technically suffering from Hanahaki he doesn’t voice the request aloud.

“Why wouldn’t I?” You answer, puzzled. “It’s a Friday night and work has been stressful.”

He didn’t expect you to protest.

“It’s not good for your Hanahaki.” He tries to explain. You roll your eyes.

“That’s not your problem, Jungkook.” Is all you tell him before he loses his grip on you and is separated from you in the sudden rush of the crowd. He tries to call out, but his voice is lost amidst the pounding music, and he’s left standing pathetically by himself in the entrance corridor.

It doesn’t take him long to find you again- you wait at the bar and happen to meet his gaze when he finally fights his way through the crowd of people. You watch him for a moment, before offering a chilling smile and then before his eyes you down a shot of something clear and probably alcoholic. Jungkook’s eyes go wide and he manages to force his way to your side.

“What the heck, (Y/N)!” He cries. “I didn’t say that as a joke- the pamphlet says that you shouldn’t be drinking with your condition-“

“Forget about the stupid pamphlet.” You say dismissively. “It’s not like it’ll cure me- it’s supposed to ‘temporarily alleviate my symptoms’.” You mock. Then your gaze softens, and you gently grasp his hand between yours. You tug him forward and lead him to a quieter area of the club where it’s actually possible to have a normal conversation. “Jungkook. I really, really appreciate what you’re trying to do. I do. And I know it’s coming from a good place, but with everything that’s been happening lately, I just want to let loose on a Friday night with my friends. I’m an adult and I’m well aware of the consequences of my actions. I just want one night, where I don’t have to worry about my illness, or yours, or the wedding, or anyone’s wedding. Can you do that for me?”

He opens his mouth to protest, to stop you, but nothing comes out. Instead his heart pulses painfully in his chest at the way you’ve opened up. You actually haven’t share how hard things have been for you probably since agreeing to plan the wedding. Instead it’s been all about him- how can you care for him, how can you be there for him, what can you do to keep Minah and Taehyung from finding out? Even after you’d vomited that petal, the first time you saw him again had been to comfort him. And he really, really likes that about you, how selfless you can be, how you don’t even ask him to consider you, but it also scares him. Because what you deserve is actually the opposite of what he has been for you- for someone who loves you so much they wouldn’t think twice about putting you first, even above their own comfort. And he wants to be that person, suddenly. Not because he thinks he’s selfish, or because of the self-loathing that has motivated him in everything up until now. So he swallows his unease and offers you a weak smile.

“Ok.” He agrees. “But if things get out of hand, I’m taking you home, ok?”

“That just means I can go all out.” You tell him dismissively. “Cause you’re gonna take care of me, right?”

He feels like his heart is melting beneath the hot, molten lava that has suddenly filled his ribcage.

“I… yeah. Ok.” He agrees stupidly, and you grin at him.

Seri appears in the next moment to drag you off to do more shots and Jungkook actually makes it through most of the night without regretting his decision to trust you to make responsible choices. At least not until the shots start hitting and then maybe he thinks that maybe you really aren’t making the wisest decisions tonight. He watches you, Seri and Jin get progressively drunker throughout the night and winces as your antics get steadily more embarrassing and cringey. With a remarkable amount of patience, it isn’t until you and Jin begin dancing together quite inappropriately the Jungkook thinks you’ve had too much.

“Remember our earlier agreement?” He asks- prying you off Jin is rather like peeling a slug off a window. He swallows back the bile rising in the back of his throat and tugs you backwards until you flop weakly into his arms.

“Jung- hic- Jungkook!” You cry drunkenly. You then whirl around and wrap your arounds around his neck. Your hips start swivelling in a way that is both incredibly distracting and incredibly embarrassing. He knows you’re going to be thrilled in the morning when you wake up and recall that not just one of your co-workers, but all three (because he had witnessed you and Seri dancing together earlier in the night) now have first hand experience on your most embarrassing club moves. “Dance with me!” You plea, but he plants his hands on your hips to stop their workplace-inappropriate swaying and grimaces at you.

“You’re going to love reliving this when I remind you in the morning.” He says with a smile. “But in the meantime, how about we go home?”

You nod placidly and allow him to lead you out of the club. He calls an uber to take the two of you home since he’d taken public transport to get to the restaurant, and you fall asleep on the drive home. Your head lolls against his shoulder and he doesn’t pull away because the weight is comforting. He bites back a smile as he examines the way your lashes fan against the apples of your cheeks and the way your lipstick is smeared slightly on your bottom lip. Somehow, he finds it endearing- you’re always so put together and guarded, determined to take care of every person in the room but yourself, and he likes that you’re suddenly vulnerable with him. Even this, getting drunk knowing he’d be the one to drag you home, falling asleep against his shoulder- they’re all acts of trust that are infinitely precious and once more he is confronted with a sense of a growing feeling he’s been unwilling to name thus far. The same one that had prompted him to think in his living room that night that he doesn’t want you to move on without him.

He knows what you’d think, if you knew about this warm, unfurling feeling in his chest. Just a few short months ago he’d been willing to die for the sake of Minah’s happiness. And he’d only told Taehyung and Minah the truth a month ago- that’s such a short amount of time. But really, when he thinks about it, he knows these feelings go back further than just the short month since being rejected. No- if he thinks about it really hard, his feelings for you are like a tree. A pathetic sprout, planted all the way back to when you first agreed to take a chance on the random guy at the bar and start a business together. It has been growing steadily without him even noticing. And now he looks, and there’s an oak tree. He’s not sure when it grew to be that big or that intense but now when he looks, it’s all he can see. But that’s way too much, way too soon after Minah and so he does what he’s been continuing to do every time he’s confronted with how he feels about you- he pushes it down, to deal with later. After the wedding, after he’s cured. Just… after.

You’re still very drunk by the time the uber driver gets you back to your apartment. You vomit in the toilet bowl once you’re safely inside and it’s a sickening mixture of petals and vomit. Jungkook has to brush your teeth for you because you’re too drunk to even hold a toothbrush. The whole time you stare placidly at him and your fingers curl gently into the lapels of his coat. You obey his commands and pull silly faces while he scrubs your teeth clean. It’s a little gross but once your teeth are clean it’s more manageable. When you’re clean enough for bed and the vomit is long gone, he hoists you up with an arm around his shoulder and helps drag you towards the bedroom.

He miscalculates as he tries to lay you down because you still stubbornly cling to his coat. He stumbles awkwardly and tried to cradle the back of your head before you can bang it on a corner, but the two of you still go down. He manages to avoid crushing your abdomen with his knee by planting his knees on either sides of your hips. He catches his weight on his elbows on either side of your face and he’s focused enough of not crushing you that it takes him a moment to register your proximity. When he does, it’s like all the air rushes from his lungs in a whoosh. Your fingers, still stubborn curled into his jacket, tug him forward and in the next moment your lips are pressing softly against his.

His heart burns at the contact of your lips against his. Every rational, logical thought seems to evaporate with the warmth of your body pressed against his. Your hands continue to steadily pull him downwards by his jacket until his body slots neatly against yours. His right hand, of its own volition, slides to cup the curve of your jaw and you shudder at the sensation of his cold fingertips pressing into such a sensitive spot. Your teeth catch against his bottom lip and he can’t help but make a small noise that you quickly swallow. Jungkook pulls away just long enough to exhale shakily but you quickly tug him back in for another kiss.

He feels like there’s lightening in his veins, leaving molten trails in its path. The thought that you are drunk and may regret this in the morning quickly has him regaining his senses enough to pull away, but the damage is done. You’re drunk- it doesn’t mean anything. But he wants it to mean something. Your eyes are round and innocent as you regard him, and he’s never wanted anything more than he wants to kiss you again in that moment. He presses his forehead against yours and pants helplessly. He feels like there are two big magnets in his lips pulling him downwards and he sits up, away from you before he can do something you both might regret.

“Jungkook,” You breathe and he squeezes his eyes shut. The way you just said his name is probably going to haunt him for the rest of his life- it’s going to be on replay in all his dreams. The whiny, slightly breathy intonation has probably ruined his life for good.

“Go to sleep.” He pleads, more for his own sake than yours. He manages to keep a gentle smile on his face as your grip on his jacket loosens. You watch him with a sleepy and mildly curious look as he stands up and takes a step away from your bed, away from the tantalising warmth of your body. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

The second he’s safely outside your bedroom, he slumps uselessly against your door. He feels like there’s a hot, tight ball in his chest, filled with equal amounts stress and yearning.

So much for pushing down his feelings. It can’t go on like this. So, when he finally regains control of his lungs and his hands stop shaking from the sudden adrenaline rush, he pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts. There’s always been one guy he goes to for girl advice, at least there had been before Minah, and he’s the best chance Jungkook has at sorting these feelings out.

“Hello?” He hears Taehyung answer on the other end sleepily. Jungkook swallows awkwardly before answering.

“Tae, I need your advice…”

There’s chocolates on your desk. It’s not unusual to find gifts on your desk- oftentimes clients will stop by after their wedding with a thank-you present. But usually whoever is in the office when it gets dropped off will leave it with a sticky note saying who it’s from, or the clients will leave a card. This has no such thing. And, oddly, it just so happens to be your favourite brand. You feel like it’s not common knowledge and you don’t tend to go announcing your favourite kind of chocolates with clients, which means it’s probably not from them.

You want to eat it, but there’s been multiple times that you’ve eaten unlabelled chocolates and been chewed out by Seokjin for doing so, so you grab the box and poke your head out of your office door.

“Seokjin, do you know who left these chocolates?” You call. He doesn’t raise his eyes from his desk.

“Have you forgotten our deal already?” He answers, still distractedly typing something. You wince as you realise that yes, you had forgotten the deal. Said deal being that you call him Jin from now on lest he continue to tease you about the other night where you had apparently gotten drunk and grinded on not one, but all three of your employees. Not that you remember anything from that night, but Jin keeps promising that he has video evidence. You’re glad Jungkook had apparently managed to drag your ass home before things got too out of hand.

“Jin.” You grit out, irritated by the unprompted and unwelcome reminder of your drunken shenanigans. The sounds of his keyboard clicking pauses as he looks up and squints at the box of chocolates you are waving at him.

“I saw Jungkook carrying those in earlier. I tried to steal one, but he insisted they were a gift and that I couldn’t have any. I’d check with him before you eat them.” He says, and his tone is petulant. He never handles being denied sweets well.

Confused, you nod and wonder over to the kitchenette where Jungkook rests against the countertop, searching something on his phone.

“Can I eat these?” You ask, shoving them in his face. He flinches in surprise, having not expected you to suddenly appear, and when he registers the box of chocolates, his ears turn bright red. He looks up from his phone to grimace at you and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say his cheeks were glowing a bright pink.

“I left them on your desk for you, so yeah.” He says, surprisingly short and clipped in his delivery. You blink a little, baffled by the way he’s in such a bad mood, but you suppose that with only two weeks until Minah and Taehyung’s wedding and the bridal shower the very next day, he must be feeling a bit stressed. You peel off the plastic wrapping and pluck a chocolate out without checking its flavour. Something strong with a bitter coffee-like after taste floods your tastebuds and you squeeze your eyes shut in delight.

“Yum.” You sigh contentedly. “Did a client leave them for me?”

When you open your eyes, Jungkook quickly looks away like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t have, and he clears his throat awkwardly.

“Not exactly…” He mumbles. “Iboughtthemforyou.” He says quickly. You don’t catch it though and tilt your head curiously.

“Sorry, what?” You ask, this time scanning through the list of flavours to pick your next piece more carefully.

“I was doing some grocery shopping last night and they were on special. I know they’re your favourite kind, so I bought them for you.” He admits at last. You nearly choke on the chocolate and he whacks you on your back until your breathing clears.

“Why?” You ask dumbly, when you’re no longer at risk of aspirating. He looks away and rubs awkwardly at the back of his neck.

“Because I was thinking about you.” He confesses, and then he strides out of the room before you can interrogate him any further.

It’s not a standalone incident, oddly enough. The next day just before the bridal shower, you’re making some last-minute adjustments with the caterer when Jungkook pops up unexpectedly beside you. The caterer wrinkles her nose at his untimely interruption but leaves without complaint to complete the request you’ve asked of her.

“You won’t be at the bridal shower, will you?” Jungkook asks suddenly. You shake your head in answer.

“I’ll be available by phone if something goes wrong, but I have a few things to sort back at the office and it’s not common for me to attend the bridal shower anyway. That’s for wedding guests and the bride to enjoy.” You explain. “Why do you ask?”

Jungkook looks side to side, like at any moment someone is going to jump out and hold a gun to his head, before leaning in close.

“I got us movie tickets for tonight.” He whispers. You feel a tickle in your throat at his proximity and the way his breath skates hotly over the shell of your ear. You exhale slowly to will away the sudden tension in his shoulders.

“Why?” You ask, feeling like he’s left you dumfounded a lot since the night you went out clubbing with everyone. Again, his cheeks do that thing where they may be flushed a soft red or it could just be the soft pink decorations accenting his skin tone.

“I… you said you wanted to see this movie and were upset Jin wouldn’t go with you.” He volunteers. He’s oddly cute in the way he won’t meet your eyes and the way his hair is a little fluffy and the way his shirt sleeves hang just passed his fingertips because he bought it few sizes too large. Your heart pulses painfully in your chest and you have a feeling this is the opposite of what you should be doing, if you want to get your Hanahaki under control.

“T… thank you.” You stutter, thrown off guard. “But I can just go see it with Ser-“

“See it with me.” He interrupts in a plead. “I’ve already bought the tickets! Also… don’t you think it would be fun? Seeing a movie with me?”

You stare at him for a long moment. The most logical explanation for his recent strange behaviour is that it has something to do with the responsibility he feels for your illness. You don’t want to encourage him, if that’s the case. You’re not sure why he can’t understand that the more time he spends with you, and the more kindness he shows you, the worse your sickness is going to get. But though you search his gaze, all you see is an earnest desire to see a movie with you. It’s an oddly sweet and simple request and you feel your chest warm at his behaviour.

“It… it would.” You reluctantly agree. “Ok. Tonight. After the bridal shower- if you’re sure.”

The odd behaviour continues in the two weeks leading up to the wedding. Jungkook keeps doing things like leaving you little gifts on your desk or inviting you to outings. He takes you out to dinner with Minah once, and though you had assumed it would be an uncomfortable experience it just ends up being enjoyable. Minah is warm and friendly and just excited that Jungkook doesn’t seem to be too bothered by his illness as of late. He pays for you, that night- you don’t even notice him slide away and it’s only when you suggest getting the bill that he announces it’s already been settled. You try to bank transfer him what you owe but he confiscates your phone for the rest of the night and holds it out of reach every time you try and get it back with a wide grin on his face. The oddest part is that he makes Minah pay for ice cream later to pay him back.

You don’t… dislike the way he’s acting. It just… it kind of feels like the two of you are a brand new couple, in the phase where you can’t get enough of each other and romantic gestures are commonplace but still exciting. You’re too afraid to ask him about it lest the hope that has steadily been blooming that maybe he has more motives than friendship in mind be squashed. You do notice that your Hanahaki symptom ease just slightly over those two weeks.

The odd behaviour comes to a head on the night before the wedding. You go down the day before with Jungkook- Seri and Jin are invited as well but plan to go on the day of the wedding since they have work to do. As for the hen’s night and buck’s night, Jungkook can’t physically be in two places at once, and Minah and Taehyung had both agreed that celebrating their last night of ‘freedom’ was a juvenile and inappropriate way to start off their life together. So, they instead opt for a pseudo-engagement party the night before the wedding. It’s a fairly intimate gathering- a few close friends, family and you. You normally attend the weddings of the clients you work for, and since this wedding involves an overnight stay for the more involved guests, Taehyung and Minah bite the bullet and invite you along so that you’re not sitting alone in your hotel room while everyone else has fun. It’s when you’re finalising the last details of said engagement party that it happens.

You don’t mean to eavesdrop- you’d stepped into the function room to check that everything was as the hotel staff had reassured you it was moments before, and your earring falls off and rolls away. With a groan, you get on your hands and knees and crawl beneath one of the draped tables, the long one that the catering staff are going to lay food across once the party begins. It’s dark under there and you crawl in far enough the drape falls, concealing your presence from anyone who steps into the room. Of course, you don’t know that until you hear Taehyung and Jungkook having some sort of intense conversation, seemingly unaware of your presence.

“So things are going well then?” You hear Taehyung’s deep voice say contemplatively. You freeze- you should reveal yourself lest you be face with the awkwardness of revealing that you are eavesdropping, but your dress is low cut and if you crawl out from under the table, both men will undoubtedly see more than they should. “Are you sure you’re not being too subtle? Why aren’t you going with my plan?”

“I’m trying to be subtle.” Jungkook complains. “I told you, Tae, I’m not trying to confess or sweep her off her feet like you would do. That’s not what I want, and I don’t think it’s what she wants either. I want her to warm up to the idea first. It’s a lot to take in.”

“Jungkook, this is your problem!” Taehyung exclaims. You shift, remaining crouched beneath the table- what are they talking about? Is… Is Taehyung giving Jungkook advice on how to win over Minah? The weirdness of such a situation has you adjusting your position to conceal yourself even better beneath the table. “You’re too hesitant with everything. You should have just taken the advice I gave you that night- Why would she need to be eased into it? She’s literally in love with you!”

Now that’s strange- Minah’s most definitely not in love with Jungkook. And it was stupid to think that Taehyung, madly in love with Minah as he is, would participate in such a conversation anyway. But then… who is he talking about?

“That’s why I’m going slow.” Jungkook mumbles. Taehyung releases a frustrated groan.

“Jungkook! Where’s the passionate romance? The heart-stopping confession? The resulting make-out session? Dive in already!” He demands. “She’s definitely in love with you- she has Hanahaki, doesn’t she? What else could you possibly need before you stop hesitating and actually do something?”

Your heart stops in the same moment that Jungkook mumbles something intelligible because finally it occurs to you who they’re talking about- it’s you. They’re talking about you. But what are they saying? What is Jungkook trying to do? Is… is Taehyung giving Jungkook advice on how to win your heart? Something foreign and fantastic explodes in your chest- you feel like you’re flying, with the air soaring past you and adrenaline pumping through your veins. Taehyung’s suggestion sounds like Jungkook has been trying to… confess to you. Could he… could he return your feelings?

You’re just about to reveal yourself and confront him over it when the next thing Jungkook says has you crashing and burning rather than soaring through the skies.

“I am doing something! I’m trying to cure her!” Jungkook protests hotly. You hear the sound of flapping paper and a quick peek under the tablecloth reveals that Jungkook is waving a crumpled piece of paper at Taehyung. The bold colours across it look vaguely familiar. Taehyung rolls his eyes and snatches the paper out of Jungkook’s flailing hand.

“Stop treating that stupid pamphlet the Hanahaki doctor gave you like it’s the secret recipe to the krusty krab burger and listen to me, for once in your life!” Taehyung snaps. With a sinking feeling, you suddenly understand the situation perfectly. That’s why the colours had looked familiar. The paper that Jungkook is waving is that stupid pamphlet your brother gave him, the one on Hanahaki. Which means everything, all the sweet gestures of late, were just more actions borne of guilt. It’s Jungkook’s stupid sense of responsibility. He’s just trying to help you “manage” your disease again. “Jungkook, you need to-“ Taehyung begins, but you scramble out from under the table, intent on fleeing the room before you can be humiliated any further. The words die in Taehyung’s mouth as the two men register your presence in the function room.

“(Y/N)?” Jungkook cries. “What are you doing here?”

He takes a tentative step towards you, but you whirl around so that your back is facing him before he can register the tears that stick your lashes together and smudge you mascara.

“I… I dropped an earring.” You say, but it is obvious that your voice is choked with a repressed sob. “And then it was too awkward to come out. Please, continue your conversation on how to cure me- I’m sure these feelings are inconvenient for you anyway.” You urge, already halfway to the door.

“Wait!” Jungkook cries, but you are already darting down the corridor before he can stop you. He groans, forcing a hand through his hair- Minah had carefully gelled it earlier that day but now he’s messed it up. Taehyung stares incredulously at Jungkook with his mouth twisted and one eye opened wider than the other.

“Kook,” Taehyung calls. “What are you waiting for? Now’s your chance to have the big romcom scene-“

“No!” Jungkook snaps, whirling on Taehyung. “I shouldn’t have called you for this in the first place. All your dumb ideas of buying her gifts and dinner and taking her out didn’t work! She’s still sick and now she probably thinks I did all that just to get rid of her feelings! This messes up the entire plan I had.”

Taehyung groans and presses a hand to his forehead before whirling on his friend with a surprising fire in his eyes.

“Then go and tell her that! Stop beating around the bush and making all these plans and trying to ‘ease’ into everything!” Taehyung cries. He steps forward and plants both his hands on Jungkook’s shoulders and meets his gaze dead-on. “I love you, Jungkook, but do you know what your problem is? You’re always so busy freaking out and wondering about what could go wrong that you just forget to live your life. There’s been exactly one time in your entire life that you’ve been reckless and impulsive and said ‘to hell with the consequences’ and that was the day you asked (Y/N) to start a business with you. And I know Minah scolded you heaps because of that because it was reckless, but you know what? I think it was the smartest, bravest thing you’ve ever done and look where it got you. Look where taking that leap of faith can get you! Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to stop holding back all the time?”

“I was just trying to…” Jungkook says weakly. “I was afraid, that I’d make it worse. I wanted her to be completely comfortable and have the disease under control before I dropped a bomb like that.” Taehyung’s eyes soften as he regards his old friend.

“Confessing to her would cure her. You of all people should know that. You know this disease back to front.” Taehyung says. “Jungkook, do you want to know the real reason you’re starting to get better? It’s not because of your feelings for (Y/N), although I’m sure they helped. It’s because you finally stopped holding yourself back all the time and actually processed things. You finally started seeking help instead of bottling everything up out of fear of how people would react. Do that now, Kook. Stop holding back and being afraid and making contingency plans and dropping hints to test the water because you’re too afraid to jump straight in. Take a chance.”

Taehyung smiles, and suddenly Jungkook understands something. He understands why it was Taehyung, and not him for Minah. It’s not cause he’s unlucky or because Taehyung is the better choice. He doesn’t believe in things like soulmates or fate, not anymore, which means maybe things could have gone differently- it really could have been him and not Taehyung. But it didn’t end up that way because Taehyung took the leap Jungkook was too afraid to even attempt. And that’s why he lost his chance with Minah and he’s going to lose his chance with you if he keeps doing the same thing he’s always done: holding back what he’s really feeling. And he really, really doesn’t want to lose his chance with you. Jungkook swallows and Taehyung seems to sense the change in demeanour because his expression softens, and he smiles.

“I… I have to go after her.” Jungkook breathes, lungs locked with the force of his realisation.

“That’s my boy.” Taehyung says warmly, dropping his arms from Jungkook’s shoulder, freeing him to allow him to chase after you. Jungkook takes one last look at his old friend and wills his non-existent courage forward as he turns and takes off in the direction that you’d fled in.

You’ve made it safely to the elevators and are tearfully waiting for them to slide closed when a hand shoots out through the centre of them. There’s a clattering noise and they slide back open to expose a crazy-looking Jungkook. His hair is in complete disarray and he’s out of breath and his top button is undone and his eyes have a wildness to them that you don’t really understand.

“Jungkook?” You say and your voice is embarrassingly uncertain and shaky with tears. “What are you-”

“Enough.” He cries, before throwing himself into the elevator. The doors slide shut behind him just in time for him to catch your face between his hands, one hand cupping each cheek, and plant his lips onto yours. It’s a forceful, desperate kiss. There’s a handrail protruding from the back wall of the elevator and Jungkook presses into you until you’re leaning against it. It digs into the small of your back. He doesn’t open his mouth as he drops his hands from your face, curling them around the rail so that you are trapped between his body and the rail. He pulls away and glares at you, but it’s not an angry glare. His gaze is just filled with an intensity that makes the hairs along the back of your neck raise. “No more.” He gasps.

“N-no more what?” You ask, a little dazed and confused. The elevator has slid shut behind him and rises slowly. Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut. You’re on the top floor and if anyone were to try and get onto this elevator, then surely, they would have some complaints about PDA. Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut and rests his forehead against you and your lungs rebel and your chest tightens. It’s a terrifying sensation yet somehow, it’s also thrilling.

“No more misunderstandings.” He says, and then he presses another long, lingering kiss to your mouth and your heart skips a beat. “No more running away.” He punctuates it with another kiss, and this one is almost angry. “No more holding back what we’re really feeling.” He goes in for another one but this time, though your reflexes are slowed with confusion and dazed from the warmth of his mouth, you manage to stop him before he can attempt another one.

“Jungkook, Jungkook, wait.” You cry, and he obliges though his gaze flickers down to your mouth and his tongue darts out to moisten his lips. “You need to explain- you can’t just walk in here, and… and…”

You’re not sure you’d have been able to finish the sentence even if the elevator hadn’t slid open in the next moment. But Jungkook stares down the hotel corridor and then at you and then he’s grabbing your hand and dragging you towards his room, only three doors down from your own. His fingers are clumsy as he struggles to grab his key from his wallet and then he leads you into his room. It’s a little messy- his suitcase is open with clothes strewn across his bedding and his laptop is open and plugged in to the wall, which is surely a fire hazard. He stops and turns to face you and you almost crash into you, but he steadies you with a hand on either shoulder.

“Your feelings aren’t inconvenient.” He says in a rush. You blink- the past few minutes have been so confusing and fast paced that it’s a real struggle to keep up. “And I’m not trying to get rid of them. And I’m not trying to sneakily treat you out of obligation or because I feel guilty. I was trying to make you comfortable using Namjoon’s pamphlet before I… before I…” He says, and he loses his steam when his explanation reaches that point. You don’t know what he plans to say next, but he drops his hands from your shoulders and whirls around so that you can’t see his expression.

“(Y/N).” He says, like he’s testing the syllables out, playing with the way they roll against his tongue. “I got a blood test the other week. Your brother said it’s the only reliable way to test if a patient is getting better or worse during treatment.”

You’re familiar with the process- Dr. Hoseok has been making you take them at least once a month in the efforts that you’ll finally show some improvement, but your blood results have remained frustratingly stable. You’ve been unable to figure out why, but staring at Jungkook now, at the planes of his shoulders and the way his suit jacket stretches flatteringly along their length and yet his hair is a little fluffy and there is one tuft that stubbornly sits perpendicular to his scalp, you realise why. It’s because you can’t get over him. You’ve been pushing down your feelings and ignoring them and trying to pretend they mean nothing to you for so long. You’re too busy to have feelings- he’s too important for you to pursue them. They’re just an inconvenience. A weakness that you can’t afford. But no matter how you try to hide or ignore them or push them out of your mind they just keep springing back.

“My levels have dropped back to almost normal.” Jungkook admits in an exhale. He turns to peek at you over his shoulder, curious about what reaction you are having. You don’t really react- your heart just pounds hollowly in your chest because you don’t understand the weight of what he’s saying. “I… I’m almost better, (Y/N). I have one more blood test scheduled for the day after Minah and Taehyung leave for their honeymoon, but I think that even if it was scheduled for today the results would be the same- I’m cured. I haven’t thrown up in two weeks- I used to do it multiple times a day.”

“How?” You ask softly and without your consent a tear rolls down your cheek. You’re surprised- you didn’t feel it build and you don’t know why you’re suddenly crying. Jungkook turns fully to face you and steps in close so that he can affectionately slide his thumb across your cheek, wiping away the tear. His expression is gentle and peaceful as he does so- a little half smile curls at the corners of his lips.

“I don’t know. But Taehyung reckons it’s because I was finally honest with myself. I stopped pushing everything down and holding back and trying to push everyone away when things got hard.” He admits. “So, then it got easier to process things and move on, I guess. But do you know how I suddenly learnt to do that?” You shake your head and his smile widens until it’s a brilliant beam that is so bright you almost have to look away. His hand still carefully cups your cheek like you’re the most precious gem or treasure in the world.

“You taught me.” He admits softly. “For an entire year I isolated myself and pushed people away and I’d forgotten what it was like to have someone to rely on until you came along. And you’ve just been so… you. Fighting harder for me than I fight for myself. And you made me brave- the things I was afraid of happening seemed manageable because I knew you would help me and support me through it. And when I finally spoke up, things just went well. I’ve mended things with Minah and Taehyung, and my illness is getting better, and I’m happy. I’d forgotten even what the word meant until recently. So, now that I know how great it is to just say the truth… I’m sick of just sitting back and letting all this misunderstanding and confusion and procrastination and fear hold me back from what I really want- and what I want is you.” He explains forcefully. “Aren’t you sick of it too? Of pretending things are ok and normal when they’re not because it would be too uncomfortable otherwise? Of running away when things get complicated because it’s too hard to deal with? Of not going after what we really want in case things don’t work out? Wouldn’t it be better if we just… did it together? Wouldn’t it be more fun if we faced all the scary bits side by side?”

It would. What he’s offering sounds too good to be true? Ever since you had coughed up that first petal, you’ve been trying to pretend that you didn’t really want Jungkook. Yes, you have feelings for him but you’re a smart, logical woman and to take it any further would be a stupid move. Illogical. Irrational. Inconvenient. Dangerous. Yet, now that he stands in front of you, offering the exact thing you’d been pretending you don’t want, you realise how much you want it. How much you want him- how much you love him.

“Jungkook,” You say slowly, and your voice cracks.

The two of you are interrupted by the sound of a repeated knocking on his room door and you hear a female voice call out.

“Jungkook! Minah wants me to give a speech and she said you’d look over it to make sure the stories I have aren’t too incriminating- quickly come and check!” You recognise the voice as one of Minah’s university friends who is attending the party which starts in a mere 30 minutes. Jungkook’s eyes bug out of his head and he looks like it’s the last thing he wants to do in that moment.

“Go.” You say, instead of what you had originally planned to say. “It’s ok. We can talk later… we have time.” You admit. “I… I won’t run away again.”

Jungkook’s eyes light up and his gaze searches your for a long moment before he smiles.

“Ok. Later. Promise?” He requests and you offer him your warmest, sweetest smile and he thinks his heart goes on strike for a moment.

“Promise.” You respond sincerely.

Of course, when you had promised to talk later, you had meant after the wedding. Maybe the two of you could get dinner after work one day and just talk things out. Have a proper date, see how things played out, like a normal couple. Take it slow and just figure out what each of you wanted. If things went well, your Hanahaki would resolve and Jungkook’s is almost pretty much gone anyway. Jungkook, of course, gripped with a desperate impatience, had no such thoughts of waiting that long. Throughout the party he takes every opportunity to try and make it to your side but each time he is intercepted. A maid of honour or a best man would be busy the night before on a normal wedding, but not only does Jungkook have to play both roles, he does not have any other members of the bridal party to help ease the load. You watch with increasing amusement as each attempt to speak to you is thwarted with another issue he must sort and the looks he sends you are increasingly frustrated and forlorn. And when he’s not being called away, you are. Finally, you must call it a night, and when you meet Jungkook’s eyes that last time, a sort of recognition and resignation lights his eyes. Not tonight, his eyes seem to agree. There are far more urgent and pressing things for him to worry about- the two of you can sort things out after Minah and Taehyung have had their dream wedding.

The day dawns bright and sunny and you are very busy as you smooth out the last minute kinks and deal with the deadline disasters that always seem to accompany the actual wedding day. The florist broke her arm and can’t deliver the flowers- the guitarist’s string snapped and he doesn’t have a spare- one of the kitchen staff sliced their finger with a knife. You handle each with the grace and poise of a seasoned wedding planner and don’t have time for a single thought but making sure this wedding goes smoothly until you step into the bride’s room for a last-minute check.

Minah is standing before the mirror and adjusting the long skirt of her wedding dress. After the revelation of what Jungkook’s reaction had been to the first dress she tried on, she’d quickly opted for a different choice. This one has a lace up to the thin column of her throat but the material is delicate and see-through, exposing her arms and collarbone beneath it. The bodice hugs her torso closely and a delicate line of embroidered flowers trails a spiral path down her body onto the full skirt that flares out at her waist. Her hair is up and pinned smoothly into a tasteful twist and her veil is a draped delicately across the crown of her head and shrouding her in a soft white that makes her look like an angel.

“You look amazing.” You say warmly. You say that to every bride, for every wedding you plan, but not once have you ever not said the words genuinely. People tend to glow with a happiness that words can’t describe when the day arrives for them to marry the love of their lives and that, more than any dress, or makeup or hairstyle, is why you’ve never seen an ugly bride. Minah is no exception, even if on a model day she probably gets scouted on the street for modelling agencies. The warm, slightly nervous but excited smile she gives you in answer is the reason you plan weddings- you love bringing joy to people on such an important day.

“Thank you.” She says, sincerely, hugging the bouquet closely to her chest. She’d originally wanted roses, but you’d had to change it a month earlier when she’d rung you in tears after discovering that Jungkook vomits rose petals when he’s having an episode. You’d opted for a bouquet of light blue baby’s breath, promising that they symbolise long-lasting love. The way she hugs them to her chest now, you know you’ve made the right choice. As a wedding planner you’ve become quite adept at picking out what couples will go the distance and what ones won’t make it far past the wedding. Taehyung and Minah are one of those couples, the rare kind who you know love each other past all the bells and whistles that a wedding sometimes have. Sometimes people use the grand party and the pretty clothes and the fresh excitement to push away or ignore their issues or even to escape the reality of the future spouse they have chosen, but that hasn’t been the case with these two. They really, truly love each other and even though it has, by far, been the most difficult wedding you have ever had the misfortune to plan, you’re glad they chose you to plan it.

“I just wanted to check in on how you’re doing. Your mother is just outside, by the way, so I won’t stay long. I need to make a couple of phone-calls. I’ll meet you out in the gardens in a half an hour, ok?” You say, glancing at the silver watch that rests against your wrist and wincing as each tick of the second hand means you have one less moment to make things absolutely perfect. You duck your head respectfully and are about to excuse yourself, when Minah calls out.

“Wait.” She cries. She tugs up the hem of her dress and steps towards you. “Before you go… did you talk to Jungkook?”

You’re surprised by her questioning and wonder what exactly she’s referring to.

“I… have. Last night before the engagement party.” You confess, though you don’t elaborate what the conversation was about. Something about the way Minah smiles tells you that perhaps she knows, though. She tilts her head delicately.

“I guess I’ll have to ask you for the full details later. I’d really… I’d really like if we could have that kind of friendship, going forward. The kind where you can confide in me. I really like you, (Y/N), and I really like how much brighter and happier Jungkook is around you. And my wedding day probably isn’t the best day to talk about that sort of thing, but I feel like I can walk up that aisle in peace, and I feel like it’s thanks to you.” She says. “I… a part of me always knew, you know. About his feelings. I didn’t know about the Hanahaki but I knew he had feelings for me. I was just so terrified of what that would mean for the three of us that I never said anything. Maybe if I had sooner, he would have never gotten sick. Does that make me a bad person?” She wonders aloud.

You’re not sure why she’s telling you this, but you also know that people often get emotional on their wedding day. It’s a day where a lot of truths start to come out. You consider her words.

“No. No I don’t think it does.” You admit. “I think it makes you a human. And you couldn’t have known how things would play out.”

She laughs and lowers her gaze. The laugh lacks humour and she tilts her head.

“It could have been me and him, you know.” She says, but there’s nothing mocking in her tone- no desire to make you uncomfortable or insecure. It’s just a genuine reflection and so you don’t feel defensive at her words. Because it could have been her and Jungkook. “If he’d said something before Taehyung, maybe things would have played out differently. But… I’m glad he didn’t. I’m glad it was me and Taehyung. My mother likes to say that love is about timing and I always agreed with her. Love works out when two people meet at the right time and fall in love at the right time. And I thought that was what happened with me and Taehyung. But… I don’t believe that anymore. Love is more than timing- it’s about working for that love. And I can walk up that aisle with a clear mind and heart because I don’t have to feel guilty for loving Taehyung and hurting Jungkook all because of something as convenient as timing. Because I know you’ll work for Jungkook. And I’m going to work for Taehyung, for the rest of my life. So thank you- for more than just the wedding, thank you for working for Jungkook and with him.” Minah says.

And then she does something unexpected- she pulls you into a tight hug. You’ve never been an affectionate person, particularly not with people you don’t know that well and particularly not with clients. But for the moment… for the moment you allow it with a half-smile.

A lot of people, when they learn what you do for a living, and when they learn what you gave up, are often baffled. Weddings get a bit of a bad rep, because they’re just huge parties for marriages that don’t work out 70% of the time. There’s a lot of bitterness tied up with weddings and often they just become a place for couples to flaunt their wealth and love. To rub it in the faces of people who don’t have those things. So the question you are often met with is this: Why weddings? Why do you put up with bridezillas screaming at you for minor miscommunications like red roses instead of blood orange roses, or parents of the couple making ridiculous requests at the last possible minute like life-size ice sculpture replica of the happy couple?

It’s because of the moment that follows a mere two hours after your heart-to-heart with Minah. Where the crowd goes silent as the opening to Pachelbel’s Canon in D begins to weave through the air at the hands of the skilful string quartet hired to play for the wedding. Where Taehyung’s whole face changes, filled with hope and love and adoration and excitement. And where Minah steps onto the aisle, her eyes fixed straight ahead on the life she is about to start with the man she loves. That moment, that precise moment is why you love planning weddings and yet, for some reason you find yourself looking away in the moment.

You’re struck with the random thought: What is Jungkook doing, in this moment? How is he feeling, seeing his two best friends get married after all the torment he has endured? And as you slowly turn your head to find out, you are surprised to find him staring straight at you. His face lights up when his gaze meets you, and the smile he gives you makes an odd sensation fill your chest, like a tension in your lungs is giving way. Suddenly the air is clean and smooth as you breathe and a warmth spreads in your cold body, all the way from your heart to the tips of your fingers. A warm breeze flutters by and the warm scent of flowers fills your nostrils but rather than make you feel sick or nauseous, all you feel is a joyous warmth.

And if you’d ever had any doubts, in that moment you know it to be true: Jungkook loves you. You could get a blood test in that exact moment and you know what the results would be.

*Epilogue*

You and Jungkook are dancing together. At some point during the wedding reception, the two of you had drifted closer and closer until you’re now slow dancing together with matching smiles on your faces. Your arms are looped around Jungkook’s neck as he sways you back and forth and there is a warm, loving fondness in his eyes as you slowly loop around the dancefloor.

The whole time, Jin watches with a curious look on his face, sipping delicately from his water. Technically, he could have stayed overnight and saved himself the long, two-and-a-half-hour trip home he will have later tonight, but he feels like maybe he doesn’t deserve to stay. Or at least, he had felt like he hadn’t. But watching the two of you together, smiling privately at each other like you have a joke that no one else in the room is privy to, suddenly a weight is lifted off Jin’s chest. The burden of almost ruining your lives is finally gone, seeing the way you are finally happy together.

“You’re quiet.” Seri comments, sliding into the unoccupied seat beside Jin. He doesn’t remove his eyes from the dance floor. The two of you have paused your dancing to laugh over something with Taehyung and Minah.

“I’m just relieved.” He says simply. Seri smiles, turning to peek at Jin’s profile. He’s been oddly quiet at the office, ever since you vomited that petal, and it hasn’t felt right. She’s missed his unique sense of humour and the brightness and joy he brings to each day. Hopefully, after seeing you and Jungkook together, he’ll go back to that.

“I’m glad.” She says softly. “You haven’t been yourself.”

Jin turns his full attention to her then and offers her a cryptic smile.

“I haven’t. But I think I’m feeling more myself tonight. Thank you, by the way.” He says, ignoring her comment. “For helping them. I just messed things up, but you fixed everything- you got Jungkook to come clean, you managed to get Minah to tell you where Jungkook’s spare key was so (Y/N) could get into his apartment… clearly I should stand back and let you do all the matchmaking, in the future.” He says with a slight laugh. Seri smiles and shakes her head.

“I hope you’re finished with the matchmaking business for the rest of your life.” She says in a serious deadpan. But then a smile crosses her face. “But enough of that. This is a wedding- I want to dance. Are you going to join me or not?”

Jin nearly chokes on his water, completely thrown by what Seri is offering, before smiling widely and excitedly.

“I’ve been avoiding the dancefloor till now to avoid upstaging the bride and groom, but if you insist.” He cries, scrambling to his feet. “It’s time for all these plebs to learn why they call me Dancing King Seokjin!”

Seri rolls her eyes but follows Jin onto the dancefloor with a laugh. There’s the Seokjin that she knows and loves.

It’s a pity, though, that Jin is distracted then because he misses the sweetest moment between you and Jungkook for the night.

“We can finally have that talk now, huh?” Jungkook asks with a small smile, spinning you around with a flourish. You laugh as he does so, before he pulls you in close and throws you into a dramatic dip. “Where should we start?”

“We don’t have to tonight, you know.” You say seriously. “We have all the time in the world.”

“We do?” Jungkook asks, holding back a warm smile. You nod sincerely as he tugs your arms up to wrap once more around him. You lace your fingers together where they rest at the nape of his neck.

“Yeah.” You say with a soft, breathless smile. “We do. There’s no rush at all. I’ll get a blood test with you in a couple of days and we can go from there. I have a feeling I know what the results will be, but we don’t need an answer tonight. There’s no reason to rush ourselves.”

Jungkook nods and purses his lips together as he contemplates your words, before he smiles.

“Hmmm… I guess you’re right. We can just enjoy tonight for what it is.” He agrees. “But there is one reason we should rush ourselves.” He confesses guiltily. You’re surprised and you frown.

“What’s the reason?” You ask nervously. Mischief flashes in Jungkook’s eyes.

“This.” He says. His hands slide up and cup your face and his fingertips are warm and then he kisses you. Long and sweet and deep.

And he’s right- you do have all the time in the world, but there’s no sense in wasting a single second, right?

*Fin*

#Jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #btsboulangerie #writing

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notthatiwilleverwriteit · 4 years

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Yo I'm sorry but I read your answer to that one ask about nsfw stuff in one day/19 days. And for the most part I agree, exept for one thing. Please, for the love of god, don't say this is a comic "for" women. Yes it's bl BUT Old Xian is not a god damn fujoshi. He is male and uses he/him pronouns. This is not a story focused to please female viewers. This is a story about boys in love by a man not some god damn fetish for women. Just because it has a "manga style" doesn't mean it's a "Yaoi" :')

Good afternoon, dear anon-san!

And thank you for your comment regarding my earlier answer about 19 Days being NSFW. I’m glad to hear you felt like you could agree with most of it even though there was something that rubbed you the wrong way. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me or coming forward if they take issue with whatever I have said. But I would be lying if I said answering your comment doesn’t make me nervous. BL and fujoshis are quite controversial topics that I’m sure will divide people reading this or following me. But I don’t think I would be doing anyone a favor if I wasn’t honest even if what I have to say is controversial. I would like to think I have always tried to be open to all kinds of opinions and perspectives even if they differ from mine, and I hope people will extend me the courtesy.

“Yes it’s bl BUT Old Xian is not a god damn fujoshi. He is male and uses he/him pronouns.”

I don’t think I said OldXian was a fujoshi, but I can see how that might have been implied by me saying 19 Days is a work of BL. As a genre, BL is typically targeted at a female audience by female authors. However, that is just how it usually goes. BL has plenty of male fans, too, and they’re called fudanshi. I’m not saying OX is a fudanshi but rather that all kinds of people can be fans of BL. It’s not tied to one’s gender.

Also, while males writing BL certainly isn’t typical, it’s not unheard of, either. Sadly, the author’s gender is somehow considered relevant even these days which has resulted in many male BL authors using female aliases (and vice versa when it comes to females writing genres that are typically written by male authors). But there are some BL authors who are openly males, too. For example, D. Jun – the author of Guang Xiang and Here U Are – is apparently a male.

“This is not a story focused to please female viewers. This is a story about boys in love by a man not some god damn fetish for women. Just because it has a “manga style” doesn’t mean it’s a ‘Yaoi’”

No, having “manga style” doesn’t make 19 Days a yaoi. The fact that one of its major themes is gay love makes it a BL, though. Especially in the context of it being an Asian publication. Are there other kinds of relationships and themes included, too? Yes, most definitely! And they’re all intriguing and essential to the story. The comic is also about friendship, families, and coming of age, to name a few. But it can’t be denied a pretty significant part of it revolves around homoerotic love, and that kind of theme is mainly consumed by a prominently female audience. They are also more often than not heavily targeted at female readers and to appeal to their tastes.

Case in point, the good-looking male protagonists with lean muscles and the author not exactly shying away from drawing them at least half-naked. You could also say He Tian’s character is the kind that typically appeals to females – a dark bad boy with a hot bod and vulnerable, tragic past. And what do you know, he’s at least the second fan favorite - if not the most liked, even. Are we really going to pretend these aspects aren’t attracting and appealing to female readers? Am I really the only one seeing readers drool and squeal whenever OX publishes chapters featuring shirtless HT, moments of tender gay affection, or illustrations of suggestive poses (homoerotic or otherwise)? Is OX doing it intentionally to appeal to female readers? No one but OX can answer to that, but does it really matter? I don’t think it changes the end result; it attracts largely females and I’m sure many of them are avid consumers of BL, too.

I don’t think this has escaped OX, either. A couple of times by now, the comic has made references to BL genre, girls being fans of cute guys together and how that kind of material attracts the female attention (ch. 151, 295, and 296):

(Sorry for the cencor, but Tumblr wouldn’t let me post this otherwise...)

Those moments can basically be taken both as OX making light of the genre and the comic being self-aware. 19 Days makes funny metafictional references while also utilizing the BL conventions itself. It’s also a clever way if the author wants to take a stand on how their work is different from its predecessors in the same genre. Because I think 19 Days is quite one of a kind compared to other BL publications. And it has sparked conversations regarding the BL conventions, for example, ukes vs. semes. It can do all that and still be a BL as such that it appeals to females or fans of the genre in general.

Now, does any of that mean 19 Days can’t appeal to other kinds of fans, too? Of course, not! In fact, you yourself dear anon-san, are an excellent example of that. I think 19 Days is one of the few Asian BL comics that has attracted countless of Western fans, too, who are perhaps not that familiar with Asian BL. It should also be noted that m/m ships are hugely popular in the Western fandoms, too. They are just more tied to the original works and not really separated to become a genre of its own as has happened with BL in Asia, especially in Japan. As it happens, the stats of the Top 100 Ships on AO3 in 2019 were just published the other day, and whopping 69 of them are slash aka m/m. Do you think that is completely unrelated to the fact that fanfiction is mostly written and read by females? I’m not saying it’s the only reason because it’s more complicated than that, but it certainly indicates Western female audiences are also big fans of homoerotic content. And they, too, are often accused of “making everything gay”.

I also don’t have a problem admitting this: If 19 Days didn’t have homoerotic themes whatsoever and the boys were having crushes on females, I doubt I would have been interested in the comic. The other themes I mentioned above are interesting to me, but on their own and paired up with m/f endgame relationships they wouldn’t be enough for me. I don’t read 19 Days just for the gay content, but it is a significant reason why I originally checked it out and why I keep loving it. Personally, I don’t think being attracted to the gay aspect and loving the story and characters, too, has to be an either-or kind of deal. You can very well do both. Does saying this somehow make me less of a fan of 19 Days? I’m sure it does in some people’s eyes but frankly, I don’t need other’s approval to love and be interested in something.

So far, I have pretty much disagreed with everything you said, but allow me to offer you an olive branch, dear anon-san. I get why my BL-related notions may have upset you. I get where you are coming from with saying 19 Days isn’t a “fetish for women”. You don’t want something you love to be associated with something you clearly despise. Yaoi and fujoshis have a bad rep, and I’m not trying to pretend like it’s completely underserved. I read a lot of BL but don’t really agree with the hardcore fujoshi mentality or identify with them as a group. I also think BL works have many tropes and conventions that do not represent realistic gay relationships and are highly problematic. However, BL is a fictional genre with its own history, development, conventions, and target audience. And as an avid BL reader, I think just because something appeals to me in a fictional setting it doesn’t mean I’m advocating the same things in real life.

To be honest, talking about this kind of makes my stomach twist with dread and nerves because I realize many people might get upset over this. And putting yourself in this kind of position on Tumblr especially can be a bit risky. So, let me say it once again: People are welcome to disagree with me or think I’m as wrong as humanly possible. And I would most probably understand where they are coming from. However, I would also like to remind anyone feeling angry with me that this is just me coming from a different point of view. Just like you are, dear anon-san. As far as I’m concerned, you are free to enjoy 19 Days from your own perspective and me from mine without it having to mean we’re somehow robbing each other of something.

#19 days #answered ask #yeah i was kinda expecting to get at least one comment about this #i don't know if i have anything to add to this really #in case anyone wants to continue this conversation

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consummate-deviant · 5 years

Text

Why I Think Entrapdak is Pretty Neat

Hello! How’s the family? Cat treating you okay? Isn’t autumn just...like… the best? Anyway, so, my Hordak thing turned out to be kinda popular. I’m flattered, really! If there are people out there willing to reward me writing stuff with positive attention, then I’ll just have to write more stuff. I mentioned back then that I had a similar write-up about Entrapdak, as a ship… and there seemed to be a little bit of interest in hearing my thoughts on the subject. So, here ya go! I’m Lancer, by the by. Not a lot to me. I’m a guy who likes things, and who enjoys articulating why I like things. I don’t really do it for any particular reason. I’m not trying to pwn haters or convert nonbelievers… As you may recall, though you might have missed it (I tend to be very lowkey and subtle about it), I’m not your dad and have no interest in the position… unless it pays. I just feel like the internet doesn’t have enough positivity, and the best way to remedy that is to produce some of my own.

As fate would have it, I like Entrapdak. A lot. I don’t ship often... a relationship has to really sync with me on a profound level to make me invested enough in it to want to write about it, but this one did it. Now, I’m not really promising originality here. As someone who explores the tag frequently, I know that plenty have expressed feelings I’m going to share with you here, many of whom did so better than I ever could, but sometimes you want to share your perspective, even if others whose opinions mirror yours have done so in the past, y’know? It’s a human thing! The relationship is a little… polarizing with people, though, I’ve noticed. A lot of people hate it, and have various reasons for doing so. Again, I ain’t here to convert you if you feel that way, but I did feel like the best way to kick things off would be to look at some of the major reasons other people tend to react to the ship like it were horseradish on a hotdog, and why those reasons don’t really bother me. A part that I, in my infinite wit and adorned in my clever pants, have dubbed:

Part 1: Entrapdak- Why I don’t hate it

***EXAMPLE THE FIRST: “HORDAK, THE AGED”***

By now it’s fairly well known that Entrapta is somewhere in the range of her late 20s to her early 30s. Now a few people refuse to accept this, citing her behavior as childish and accusing the creators of lying. I’m not really going to engage with that perspective. Hordak and Entrapta have appeared together in creator works and concept art dating back to 2017. Their interactions were intended to be a part of the show from the early stages of its creation. If you have so little faith in Noelle that you believe she planned for her story to have a romantic-coded relationship between an adult and a minor… I don’t know what I can even tell you.

Rather, the perspective that interests me comes from people who accept Entrapta being in the stated age range, but who still find themselves repulsed by the relationship on grounds of age. ‘She’s an adult, sure, but how old is Hordak? He could be in his fifties or sixties, or even be hundreds of years old.’ This point of view is at least interesting to think about, so I reckon I can share why this deal-breaker for some doesn’t really bother me.

To begin, assigning human ages, and the stigmas thereof, to an alien bat clone just feels strange to me. The Horde doesn’t seem like the type of place to want to waste resources on alien bat clone daycare... was Hordak born as an infant, or was he artificially developed to his current age? If it’s the later, do we consider him 0 years old at the moment of his birth, or already an adult? We don’t have a timescale provided to accurately determine his age, so investing too heavily in trying to learn it seems somewhat tedious and a lotofwhat pointless.

If we do, though, my next question is: what is the element of an age gap that makes it inappropriate? Now, that’s a personal question, of course. Morality isn’t something that really lends itself to objective declarations, but there are a few answers you can offer. ‘Morality’ isn’t really the operative word here anyway... since it has more to do with taste, though this particular taste does come from what you believe… Y’know, it just occurred to me, but… People who believe that their taste in ships makes them morally superior, and that ships they dislike are supported by moral degenerates, seem like people who just aren’t a lot of fun to be around or think about… but that’s a digression, I’ll refocus my thought-lazer.

For me, with age gaps, it comes down to two things:

1.) Both parties being on the same side of the child/adult divide- I should hope this one sounds reasonable, right? The ships that really powdered sugar my poptart are the ones that feel like equal partnerships, and relationships that try to cross this line tend to not be especially equal.

2.) What stage in their lives they’re at- It’s difficult for even a wizard of self expression like myself to state plainly, so let me give an example: If I saw a 25 year old dating a 50 year old, the 25-year age difference isn’t so much what makes it off-putting, but rather what those 25 years represent in this circumstance. At age 25, people are still struggling to find themselves. They’re adjusting to independence, gaining an identity, maybe finally finding an entryway into a career path that suits them. By 50, a person is already established. They likely have a career, they have a firm grasp on who they are as a person and what they want to be, and they almost certainly have a greater degree of financial stability. Thus, if they enter a relationship, which is supposed to be equal, it doesn’t feel that way. One side has a stronger position than the other, and over time that could become power they use to sway and control the other.

I don’t see Hordak as being in a more advanced stage of his life than Entrapta. They seem to be at about the same place when it comes to self actualization. In fact, Hordak is a bit more arrested in his development than Entrapta is, simply because he’s never really thought to question what would make him happy or why. Hordak rules the Horde, which Entrapta is a part of… which could lead to an imbalance, if Entrapta, like, could be bothered to give even the slightest toss of a salad about status or promotion, but she doesn’t. Neither of them holds higher ground over the other in a way that’s significant to the two of them. In terms of life stage, they’re perfectly equal. The fact that Hordak might be physically older than her by some unspecified amount is, by itself, completely arbitrary and meaningless.

*** EXAMPLE THE SECOND: ‘ENTRAPTA, THE MANIPULATED’***

A second, rarer discussion point for those who are unfond of the ship is that it’s unhealthy, on the grounds that Hordak is manipulating Entrapta. Taking advantage of her naivete to coerce her into aiding the forces of darkness despite not caring for her at all. Now, as I mentioned above, I ain’t writing this to change anyone’s mind. If you’re reading this, and this is a viewpoint you hold as valid, do what makes you happy, homie. That said, the issue I ran into when I tried to think of why this perspective didn’t bother me was a vexing one. See, I like to fancy myself an empathetic dude. I try really hard to consider other people’s perspectives when I have a disagreement, and avoid judging anyone too harshly if I don’t know their full circumstance… but even with all that alleged empathy at my disposal… this hot take about Entrapdak is… kinda completely incomprehensible to me? Like, I have no idea how anyone could have seen the interactions between the two and draw this conclusion?

Part of it has to do with how Entrapta is written. She’s both ADHD-coded and Autistic-coded, and there’s a tendency to perceive the behaviors of both those groups of people as childish. People who see that ‘childishness’ extrapolate it further to a general innocence/stupidity, and assume the character in question lacks the faculties to engage with other people evenly.

Look, I don’t have ADHD, but I am super, duper autistic. Having lived with myself for a lifetime, let me just say, I kind of get why this happens. We get extremely focused on our hobbies, we’re bad at reading social nuance, we have very simplistic body language, we tend to express our emotions in a very blunt and straightforward manner… I get that, for most neurotypical people, the only other group they ever encounter who shares these traits are children, and thus they tend to subconsciously connect the two. I understand why it happens, even if I do find it awkward and condescending.

…but y’all are underestimating Entrapta. She’s not helping the horde because she’s helpless and being manipulated. She’s helping them because she has no moral compass to speak of, and will eagerly assist with any scientific endeavor she finds interesting, without care for its ultimate application. In season 1, she knew well in advance the damage her actions would have on the world, and followed through with them anyway. In season 2, she happily assisted in the creation of a portal, knowing full-well that its opening would invite a colonialist military force into the vicinity of her home, and only withdrew her support for the project… hesitantly… when it became clearly evident that activating it would eradicate all life on the planet. At no point is she ever acting while the applications of her actions are being hidden from her by Hordak. She’s not an innocent child.

The thing is, though, I agree that Entrapta would be incredibly easy to manipulate… if someone knew what buttons to push. She is very self conscious of how difficult it is for her to form lasting emotional bonds with other people. She tends to blame herself when she feels she’s been abandoned by others, and feels that her inability make friends is a sign that she’s a defective failure. If someone wanted to manipulate her into doing something she didn’t want to do, they would probably find success if they offered her friendship and then fed into that self loathing, emotionally abusing her by implying that she was indeed a failure, and would be abandoned again if she didn’t obey. That is totally something someone could do to her, and I would absolutely not enjoy any ship between her and such a person. Good thing Hordak… y’know… did literally the opposite of that.

***EXAMPLE THE THIRD- “ENTRAPDAK, THE PLATONIC”***

A nice short one to balance out the longer examples above. Quite a few people just deny that there are romantic implications behind their interactions, and see them as a friendship instead. I do disagree with this assessment, but honestly, even if it were true, this would still be my favorite relationship in the show.

Something that has always boggled me about people on the internet is their tendency to treat friendship like some ‘equal but opposite’ force to romance… a status independent of a romantic relationship rather than literally the foundation upon which all successful romantic relationships are built. Genuine friendship is a beautiful, underrated thing, and acting as though the bond of friendship is inherently less worthy of appreciation than romance is silly.

So… yeah… platonic Entrapdak… I disagree, but even if you’re right and I’m wrong in the end… I’ll be pretty okay with that, too. Movin’ on.

***EXAMPLE THE FOURTH: ‘HORDAK, THE IRREDEEMABLE’***

For the last dealbreaker I want to consider today, I figured I’d bring one up that’s a lot like the platonic argument, in my eyes: that an evil guy like Hordak can’t change his ways, even with the power of love. Thus, the relationship is bust, because what’s the point of of a villain x heroine ship, if not to redeem the villain?

...

So, recently I wrote this whole big thing about Hordak, where I argued in favor of his redemption, and why I felt like that was where the story is going… I stand by the opinions expressed there, but I’d like to ask any who read that to push it out of their mind for now. Hordak’s redemptive potential is largely irrelevant to my feelings about this ship. When it comes to entrapdak, when confronted by the possibility that Hordak may remain a villain, my reaction is the most intense and passionate of shrugs.

...I just don’t care.

There’s a tendency to assume that redemption is the aim of a villain ship, and I suppose I can see why that is. There’s a bit of a stereotype for female fantasies where they fix a broken man with the power of their love, and when people ship villains, that’s probably the first assumption an outsider will make as to why. I cannot speak for others, but that’s just not a factor in the appeal of their relationship for me.

When you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of another person, you open yourself up to the risk of being completely devastated by them. When you show vulnerability to another person, and they accept that side of you, and express vulnerability of their own, you establish a genuine connection with that person, and those connections are kiiiinda one of the most important elements of the human experience.

That Hordak was a villain who did terrible things was always kinda aside from the point of what really makes Entrapta and Hordak such a bewitching pairing for me. It was always the serendipity of two people who privately believe they’re alone in the world realizing they resonate with one another in a meaningful way. Resonance is the appeal of Entrapdak, not redemption.

I tend to hope for Hordak’s redemption, I won’t lie, and I do think it’s likely, but I don’t think it’ll be love that redeems him, nor would I want it to be… not entirely. I like seeing flawed, morally dark/gray characters overcome the obstacles that deny them self actualization, and watching them grow as a result.

That’s got nothing to do with him and Entrapta, though. Whether the story ends with the pair of them riding into the sunset to collect data and invent shit, or with the pair of them leading the Horde in the name of galactic conquest and terror… I’m down with it either way, dude. In the context of the ship, I care that Hordak is an evil overlord… about as much as Entrapta does.

However, pseudo-responding to naysayers is a bit negative for my tastes. I prefer to focus on the positive in life, like the smell of soil and rain on a crisp autumn morning. I… I’m in a very fall mood, okay? Sue me. Y’know what else I like, though? Entrapdak. Lemme wax poetic for a bit longer, and I’ll tell ya why this ship is, like, the peanut butter on my blueberry pancakes.

Part 2: Entrapdak- Why I love it

So, uh… If brevity is the soul of wit, I may be something of an idiot. I’ve made my peace with that, of course, I’m just sayin’: I’m many things, but I’m not pithy. If someone were to put a gun to my head, though, and demand that I describe the shipping aesthetic I love the most in life in a single sentence… I would probably respond with this:

My favorite ships are ones in which awkward, lonely people bond over a shared fondness of nerdy hobbies.

Now, that sounds super narrow, and it totally is… I don’t get new OTPs very often… but hearing that, I imagine you can see why Entrapta and Hordak immediately appealed to me. It goes a bit deeper, though.

The bonds between people are a major part of the story of She-ra. We see how characters are changed, positively or negatively, by the connection they share with other characters. Just like in real life, these connections are a mixed bag; some of them are positive, and some are negative. Some characters, like Hordak and Catra, resonate strongly with one another, but the resonance is a negative force in their lives, which draws them deeper into darkness, and for many of the characters in the show, their character journeys are about breaking free of such toxic relationships and forming healthy bonds.

The bond between Entrapta and Hordak is unique among all bonds in the show though, in that it is the only one that isn’t mixed. It is an unambiguous positive influence on both of them. Let’s break it down a little bit.

***ENTRAPTA***

Entrapta, at first, seems like the kind of person who isn’t super connected to other people. At the princess prom, she mentions that she finds observing the relationships of others far more fascinating than forging relationships of her own, and she spends much of the early seasons working alone with her robots, buried in whichever task happens to have her interest in that particular moment.

Later seasons gradually tear this facade away, though, and reveal a fairly tragic truth hidden behind it. I mentioned above that she internalizes her failures to form lasting bonds with other people, and is genuinely distraught about it. When she’s exiled to Beast Island, her frustration at her inability to make friends was the driving force that chained her there, even more so than her love of technology and invention. It becomes clear that, to some degree, she buries herself in her work to escape her feelings of inadequacy.

This is a relatable and sad thing to realize about a character, but it also has the unpleasant effect of making events that were played for laughs earlier in the show somewhat tragic in hindsight. Seeing the way she interacted with the Princess Alliance, you could see how she would have come to a very soul-crushing misunderstanding: That, among other people, she was someone whose presence was… tolerated- at times even appreciated- but never seemed to be enjoyed by anyone. She was the friend everyone sought out when they needed her help, then forgot about.

This wasn’t the case, of course, and clarifying her value to the group was what ultimately helped her escape the vines in season four, but from her perspective that was how it appeared, and likely how all her previous interactions with other people had gone before that. Some people complained about how easily Entrapta was able to believe that the princesses had left her behind, but it’s the same reason Hordak was so easily able to believe that Entrapta had betrayed him: In the eyes of someone who hates themselves, it’s only a matter of time before others abandon them.

That said, it also goes to show why Hordak became so special to her. For the first time in her life, she had a friend who joined her in her workspace, instead of leaving her to a task after giving it to her. Someone able to converse equally with her about subjects she was interested in. The elements of herself that made it so difficult to draw closer to others were the very same elements that caused her to get so close to him. Her intelligence and hyper-focus upon science made her the intellectual peer of a space-faring alien, her lack of awareness of social subtext helped her to see beyond the barriers he put up to keep other people away, and her past experience with failure and rejection helped her to empathize with his pain.

It’s perfectly pleasant to find someone who accepts you and enjoys your company despite not understanding the idiosyncratic elements of your personality, but that pales in comparison to how it feels to find someone who accepts you precisely because they understand those elements.

***Hordak***

Hordak didn’t really have ‘peers’, per se, for most of his life. We don’t know the level of autonomy the average clone has in the Horde… but I feel comfortable assuming that the level isn’t very high. Thus, his circumstance differs quite a bit from Entrapta, in that, rather than trying to form bonds with others, and feeling like he failed, for much of his life he never had the chance to try to form them in the first place.

He is, at first, deeply dismissive of the people of Etheria, whom he regards as primitives who are beneath his acknowledgment. Much of this, as with much of everything that dictates how he treats others, is born of projection… dude has some pretty major self-loathing issues… but regardless of cause, it results in a kind of self-imposed isolation.

Unlike Entrapta, who knew, on some level, that her lack of ability to bond with others troubled her, Hordak kept most of his emotions bottled up... Locked so deeply inside him that not even he really bothered to try to understand them. That was where her disposition and his meshed perfectly for him. Because Entrapta was defined by her curiosity, and her lackluster awareness of his attempts to keep her at bay, she was able to metaphorically crack him open, forcing him to vocalize and confront his own motivations.

Sometimes you need someone to just… like... grab you with their hair, push you up against a vat, and demand you tell them everything, man.

I’ve already discussed Hordak fairly extensively in my first blog blurb thingy, and while I repeat myself by accident quite frequently, I’m loathe to repeat myself on purpose. I just wanted to take the opportunity to marvel at how well their personalities fit together. Perhaps I’m just high on this feeling: I’ve never actually shipped something a creator so clearly intended to be there, before!

*** In Conclusion***

We’re all born imperfect, and we’ll all die imperfect. Our imperfections are similar, but never uniform. Each of us bears jagged cuts and missing sections of many shapes and sizes. Humans are social creatures, and it’s in our nature to constantly seek one another out. We keep trying to find people who are strong where we are weak; someone whose missing sections happen to lie in a pattern compatible with our own.

We’ll resonate with many in our lifetime. Sometimes, the melody will be harmonious, and guide all involved higher and higher into the light of self actualization. Other times the sound will be discordant, and pull us down into self destruction. Sadly, from our perspective in the middle, it will always be difficult to tell which is which.

I love the relationship between Entrapta and Hordak because it’s a dynamic that elevates both of them. Not in a moral sense, but in a personal one. In a series defined by toxic and uneven relationships that wear others down and tear them apart, these two have a dynamic that shelters and reinforces them. Giving them an opportunity to be glad they were born the way they were, instead of cursing their misfortune.

It’s the kind of relationship that makes me muse about how imperfection really is beautiful. It’s because we’re imperfect that we never stop trying to harmonize with other people, and if there’s one theme I can’t help but feel that the show itself is building toward, it’s this: Two in harmony surpass one in perfection.

*** So hey! Thanks for reading all of that! Sorry if it was a bit of a mess. Saying nothing with a great deal of words is a talent of mine, but I really do love these guys, and if you love ‘em too, don’t let anyone grind you down over it!

Let me know if you enjoyed my work, though! If so, I’ll be happy to share my thoughts on other things, since I’ll be stuck with this series on my brain until I see how my new obsession plays out. In the meantime take care of yourselves! If you do heavy lifting, make sure to do so with your knees, not your back. Tell someone who makes your day a little brighter how much you appreciate them. Then, take some time to savor the greatest of all winter beverages: hot apple cider.

#entrapdak #liking things #Entrapta #hordak #you try killing 8 hours at this job

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danni-dollarsign · 4 years

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A Critical Look at “Pokemon: Sword and Shield” From a Casual’s Perspective...

A/N: Hey! if you’re reading this, then thank you! I don’t know why, but I thought to myself, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to write a pointless essay about a Pokemon game?” And then I realized today was the 1YR anniversary of SWSH, so I figured I might as well just do it! So even though I’m late and probably nobody will really care to read all this nonsense, I wrote it! If you’re interested in all the analyses of PKMN SWSH, but aren’t too invested in the technical mumbo-jumbo used by the more hardcore fans, then maybe you’ll enjoy this.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that I’m literally just some rando on the internet saying my opinion. None of this should really be taken SUPER seriously - it’s mainly designed to provoke thought rather than try to argue any specific idea. So if I say something that you don’t agree with, you got two options: 1) Draft a constructive comment or DM to me and we can discuss calmly like adults, 2) shake your idea and ignore this. There’s really no need to get heated up over a video game essay, of all things, so let’s not do that lol.

But other than that, yeah! If you’re interested in more stuff like this from me (in-depth analyses of Pokemon games from the perspective of a low-key casual), lemme know! I’d love to chat with anyone about this awesome series.

So, without any further ado, let’s get into the essay (warning: it’s like ~8k words).

Introduction...

Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokemon! Love it or hate it, Pokemon has had a huge impact on popular culture in countless countries in a number of different ways, sparking memes, dreams, and happiness everywhere! It holds a very special place in my heart - Pokemon was a game that I got to share with my two older siblings, was one of the first fandoms I got into, and was a big reason as to why I grew to love creative writing so much after writing a couple fanfictions for the games. I’ve been playing Pokemon ever since my brother gave me a copy of Pokemon: Ruby and have been a devoted fan ever since. While I may not be super into the strategy and damn near mathematical aspects of gameplay, I’d like to consider myself a relatively knowledgeable fan with enough extra knowledge to give a look at one of these games from a casual, yet analytical view. So what game other than the newest title, Pokemon: Sword and Shield, with its release anniversary being today? In this casual online essay, I hope to describe all my thoughts of Sword and Shield (which I’ll shorten down to just “SWSH”) from the perspective of the everyday Pokemon fan.

General Gameplay...

Many top-title games of Nintendo are best known for their simplicity: in Super Mario Bros, you’re a mustachioed red guy jumping on monsters to try and save some random princess (who may or may not be in this castle); in The Legend of Zelda, you’re a green elf-looking guy slashing wildly at monsters with a sword given to you by some old guy in hopes of defeating some ultimate bad guy; and in Pokemon, you’re a child wandering around the region catching monsters who also accidentally saves the world before becoming the very best (like no-one ever was). And while the games themselves have grown from that initial stylistic simplicity, some have lost that creative in-depthness in favor of being playable for children. This is probably the biggest issue with the newer Pokemon games as of late.

Regardless, let’s look into the playability of SWSH.

It’s played like your regular Pokemon game; you’re a kid who journeys to become the Champion of Pokemon Battling with your friend, catching monsters known as “Pokemon” with pocket-sized balls dubbed “Pokeballs.” But I’m sure you’re all aware of that information, and are instead asking “Well, what’s the deeper plot?” Yeah, no, that’s it. You’re a kid catching Pokemon to become champion - oh, and you also accidentally save the world from a power-hungry businessman - but that’s neither here nor there.

Plot aside, the game is a bit barebones. It’s pretty linear gameplay (literally linear - the map of the Galar region is almost exactly a straight-line waltz from Postwick to Wyndon, which is a bit weird after dealing with the giant, sprawling maps of earlier generations) where you travel from place to place, beating gyms and catching ‘mons, before getting into a couple scuffles and becoming champion. For an RPG-styled game, it comes off as much too simplistic for older fans (I’d even reason that it’s too simplistic for younger players, as well). While I will say, I don’t exactly miss the days of hopelessly wandering around a pixel city, trying desperately to figure out how to move on to the next town because the answer to the puzzle is hidden in this giant area that my little peanut-brain couldn’t figure out at the time. But it is a bit demeaning to get “Hey, do you know where to go?” and “Hey, follow me so you don’t get lost!” and “Oh, yeah, want another tutorial on how to easily catch Pokemon for the fourth time in a row?” every two seconds in a city where there’s only two places to check out.

But we can’t really discuss the gameplay of Pokemon without discussing the highlights of the region. Ever since the transition from 2D to 3D, Pokemon games have begun a trend of gimmicks - which I like to call “battle enhancers” - that they use to add uniqueness to their games. X&Y had Mega Evolution, Sun and Moon (and USUM) had Z-Moves, and now we have Dynamax! As we all know, battle enhancers are the strategy by which the player uses some extraterrestrial/magic stone to physically enhance one pokemon at a time for a certain period of time - in the case of Dynamax, the pokemon either grows in size or changes in form, gaining the ability to use special type-based attacks for a duration of three turns.

Honestly, I think it’s a pretty fun mechanic! Dynamax combines the good components of both Z-Moves and Mega Evolution - new forms, awesome moves, and a ticking clock. It adds a bit more strategy to the battle enhancer, where the player actually has to plan out who and when to Dynamax (though it’s really not that hard - most everyone will save it for their ace or the pokemon with the type advantage at the very end of the battle, because that’s what you do). But it’s fun and creative, making the battle a bit more exciting when you see your beloved ace become gargantuan on a field while the audience chants in excitement. Initially, I was skeptical of the battle enhancer, but once I threw myself into the game and really got into it, I felt it was fun and cool for the region. My feelings were further improved when I learned that Dynamax was inspired by the idea that the Nintendo Switch had the potential to be played on the TV as well as in a hand-held mode. The idea of turning pokemon “big” on a “big-screen” is really just so cute to me, really. Overall, it’s a fitting concept that is paired well to the game when everything is considered.

But when you look beyond the Dynamx experience to find more content in the game… there’s really not much else. Many people (including me) were ecstatic to hear about the free-roam areas in SWSH - the Wild Areas. Here, you can do all the fun grinding stuff that makes Pokemon games a bit more challenging and fun - hatching eggs, shiny-hunting, running around in circles, Dynamax dens, etc. But when looking at other Pokemon games, that’s really it. Let’s examine Pokemon: Sun and Moon, for example. This game really shines not just for its refreshing setting and compelling plot-line, but also for it’s amount of cute and quirky mini-games to be enjoyed for a good while outside of the main story. Pyukumuku Chucking, Mantine Surfing, the Alolan Photo Club, Ultra Warp Ride Travel - a good handful of mini-games that appeal to different kinds of people! All of these mini-games aren’t just tossed in there, either - they have a fitting place in the culture of the world and add to it, rather than just reiterating it. But when you look for mini-games in SWSH, you won’t really find anything aside from just battling. Sure, there’s the Battle Tower, as well, but I’ll personally say that I’ve never been a fan of the concept of post-game NPC battle buildings. For a hardcore player, they might be fun, but as a casual who can’t devote the time to really dig into understanding how IVs and competitive breeding works, they’re really no fun. Not to mention that nothing is really being added or developed with these battle buildings; they don’t add to lore, they don’t add to the culture of the region, you don’t even really gain anything from it - they’re pretty much just places to battle the occasional familiar face and that’s it. While I’m sure plenty of people adore these facilities in the games, I’ve never been too partial to them (I’d even prefer those god-forsaken casinos over another goddamn battle frontier).

But my biggest problem lies with the release of the DLC. While I’m not against the idea of DLC in general, both The Isle of Armour and The Crown Tundra left a bitter taste in my mouth when I started thinking about the issue of playability in SWSH.

I have always been more invested in the storyline of Pokemon games rather than the battling aspects. Usually I’ve always just gotten through the main story, then wandered around to find extra post-game content or mini-games, and then moved on to other games. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing - I just figure that the games have served their purpose for me upon completion, so rather than bore myself wandering around and doing things that don’t interest me, I go find another game that has more story-based content. That being said, I finished SWSH in less time than any other Pokemon game (I’d say somewhere around twenty hours, complete with me running around in circles like an idiot before rushing through content intermittently); as a result, I was no longer actively playing the game by the time the DLC was announced.

I’ll be honest and say that when I learned about all that was being offered in both sets of DLC, I felt a bit betrayed. I’m well-aware that Nintendo is a corporate business, and therefore will always prioritize financial gain over their fans’ lasting enjoyment of their titles - that’s just a fact of life. But I couldn’t help but feel like I paid a bunch of money for the bundled titles, only to play a game that hardly could be considered worthwhile or satisfying without added headcanons or fan-works, and then get told that extra content is available that may or may not add satisfaction to the experience that’s already long since ended for me. It was just a bit disappointing - and I’m not talking about the whole “Dexit” deal (I actually was on-board with the idea of having no real National Dex - I felt it added realism to the games and would force players to get to know the new Pokemon instead of just choosing the same team they always have since Gen 1 or whatever). My gripe is that I paid for a whole game, wasn’t satisfied with the result, only to hear later that the content that I might have been missing is available to pay for? That’s incredibly annoying. Not to mention that I was further disappointed after learning about the contents of the DLC, but we’ll get into that later.

Overall, the playability of SWSH is very basic, but can be enjoyable if you suspend belief and just enjoy it for what it is. When it comes to storyline, it’s not much of a game, and doesn’t sport much post-game content besides battling.

Immersion and Ambience...

Many of my friends can attest that I tend to like silly, fantastical concepts because I personally love to throw myself into the universe being offered to me. Pokemon is really no different - the games have always sported a very immersive experience for me thanks to the combination of interesting regions and evocative music (especially the music).

I think that most every Pokemon fan has a specific region, city, and music theme that sparks a plethora of nostalgic emotions to the point of near tears. For me, that’s always been Pokemon: Platinum, the Twinleaf Town theme - just staring into the rippling reflection of the pond by the player’s home, listening to that beautiful synth clarinet playing that nostalgic melody - it makes my heart beat with so much fervent passion that I hardly have the words to describe it! And I think that sense of nostalgia - regardless of whether or not those memories are old or new - has always been a strong-suit for Pokemon games. They always have the ability to inspire such deep emotions in me and other alike in a variety of ways, further adding to the ability to immerse us into the game’s world. And whether your favorite area is as simple as Twinleaf Town in the Sinnoh region, or as agonizing as Rock Tunnel in Kanto, it’s the spirit of certain cities/towns/routes that further add to the immersion of the world in question. But how well does SWSH hold those values? Spoiler Alert: Not very well.

SWSH, in the end, is still a Pokemon game - so the setting is very vibrant and colorful and everything that can hold my attention for long periods of time. But the problem arises when one begins to progress through the game and continuously forgets what’s where and where’s what. A lot of the map is painfully basic (again, due to the literal linear nature of the Galar region) and the cities themselves kind of lack their own real originality. There was an attempt at unique cities that’s become iconic of the Pokemon franchise, but it doesn’t really stick. I think most people would agree with me that the only real memorable areas in the main game were Slumbering Weald, Ballonlea, and Spikemuth, and each of these areas have their own set of problems that also make them a bit difficult to fully enjoy. At their core, most all Galarian cities have the same basic set-up: basic green plants (if plants are in that area at all), the same brick roads that lead either to the gym or to a route leading in/out of city to another city, and a giant gym/key building in the center of it all. And that’s really about it. No real interesting buildings except for gyms and Rose Tower (and I guess technically the hotels), no extraneous locations that aren’t directly related to the plot or to gimmicks - it’s very bare-bones and really can take you out of the experience.

In a hard contrast, I’ll give the example of Generation 1’s region set up - every city has its own personality that also matches the feel of the region as a whole. Every city is based on colors, and each city is themed after that, respectively (i.e. Vermillion City, the city of sunsets themed around the color orange, is home to the Pokemon Fan Club and the kick-ass electric-type gym that initiates feelings of excitement; Lavender Town, the noble town themed around the color purple, is home to the Pokemon Tower and spooky spirits that inspire feelings of somberness and reticence). Obviously, this isn’t very realistic, but the trick isn’t to replicate reality - it is to inspire reality. The Kanto region is incredibly creative, and therefore is easy to immerse oneself into the world because it’s become a world we are actively interested in. We know that it could never truly be real or plausible, but that hardly matters when we are so enthralled with the colors and set-up and feeling of the towns. We don’t really get much of that in Galar. It probably isn’t such a great idea for your final city - being Wyndon - to feel blank and lifeless when compared to minor cities in the region. And even when we find cities that hold that uniqueness we desire like in Spikemuth or Ballonlea, there’s really no other reason to be there longer than just beating the gym. It’s sad, really. Spikemuth is such a interesting, creative-looking town home to such cool characters, and yet there literally is only one path to get in and out of the town - the town isn’t even given small houses to investigate like literally every other city in the region. It’s a waste of potential! The fact that I can’t investigate such a promising setting that inspires me really takes me out of the world, reminding me that this is just a video game in which you move from Point A to Point B. It’s no longer a fantasy world for me to explore, but instead a line at the DMV to get my Drivers’ License. The only real good thing about this is that fanfiction writers get so much free-reign when it comes to writing about the city - the only thing we really learn about the city is that it’s underfunded and gloomy and that’s literally it. I would have really liked to see more inspired cities around the region where things outside of the main plot can be done, but hopefully this is just a problem we’ll see in this region.

Probably the most important aspect of immersion (in my opinion) is the music. With the potential to make or break a game for me, I hold a lot of expectations on the music found in video games (I’ve been classically trained in music since elementary school, and have always had a fondness for video game music). Pokemon music has always been some of the most inspiring pieces of art in my life - whether it be the kickass battle suite of Champion Cynthia, or the somber piano melody of Emma’s Theme, the music of Pokemon has always been the first thing I notice and analyze whenever playing the latest title. That all being said, I have quite a few notes to make in regards to the soundtrack of SWSH.

I’ll start with the pros, first. Generally, every main title has had its own feel when it comes to the soundtrack - DPP was jazzy and smooth, Sun and Moon was based on popular Hawaiian music meshed together with classic Pokemon synths, RSE was all about the horn section (trombones and french horns all the way!). SWSH, at the end of the day, isn’t much different. The region is inspired by the UK, so it’s no surprise to discover that the soundtrack was inspired by popular British Rock. As a result, a lot of themes went really hard, keeping a hint of individuality even when some battle themes hosted similar instruments. The biggest appeal of the soundtrack, I believe, was found in the little moments, namely the cheers of the gym battle themes. I think it’s safe to say that most people get super hyped when they hear those rhythmical chants coming to life whenever in the final leg of the battle, right when you begin to Dynamax. That’s amazingly exciting, never failing to suck me into that exact moment to gather the power of God and anime to defeat my opponent. While I wasn’t totally rocking out to every single song that came on, I was pretty satisfied with the music of SWSH, overall. It’s not too bad, and hosts a few bops that I still seek out to get my blood pumping.

But, as to be expected, there are plenty of cons when it comes to the soundtrack of SWSH. I could go over this for hours and hours, detailing complex definitions of music theory and basic song comprehension, but I’ll just make this nice and simple: it was really bland.

Note that I said “bland” and not “bad” - the music is fine in my opinion, I just wasn’t feeling the same feelings as I had in previous Pokemon titles. It all felt like Pokemon music, but not much else. It was like remembering hints of a memory long-lost, but you don’t really care about to dig deep into your mind for context. Towns had music, routes had music, pokemon and characters had battle themes, yada yada yada, nothing really to write home about. If I had to pick a song that honestly, truly invoked emotions beyond “Oh it’s battle time, now”, it would have to be the Battle Tower Theme, and that’s most likely because it was written by someone else entirely (Toby Fox, also known as the creator of Undertale and composer of super hard-hitting jams). And the worst part is that I never would have even been able to hear the Battle Tower theme because I hate battle buildings (which is more of a personal problem, I know, but still). Honestly, I would have preferred hearing that theme as compared to Champion Leon’s battle theme - I feel like his champion theme was very bland and lifeless, simply holding all the required elements of a Pokemon battle theme just because that’s what has to happen. It’s uninspired, faceless, and corporate, only to be completely foiled by the unique blast of energy found in the Battle Theme, which just screams “Prove that you’re the best!” over and over to me (also known as a big theme in the Pokemon games, especially in SWSH).

That’s not to say that every other theme in the game was terrible. I much enjoyed Marnie and Piers’ battle themes, but for a different reason. As we know, Piers and Marnie host a more “punk rock” style when compared to literally everyone else in-game, a trademark of Spikemuth citizens. With their occasionally cold and prickly (no pun intended) personalities, their themes go a bit harder into rock-land as compared to characters like Hop or Bede. There’s no conflict of style there - it’s “punk” with “rock”, loads of guitars and bass with a hint of synths to keep that Pokemon flare, and fits a bit better in the setting of the world. Mild conflict arises when we start looking at characters who aren’t rockstars or idols - let’s look at Bede’s theme, for example. While it really isn’t a bad theme (it’s actually, dare I say, a bop), I wouldn’t exactly say that the resulting pieces fit neatly together like they do for the Spikemuth duo. Bede’s theme requires a lot of synths to accentuate his more flamboyant and immature personality, but also holds ties with the rock guitars while also trying so desperately hard to sound like a Pokemon song. Now, I don’t think “Pop Synth Rock” is anything bad, per se; I just feel like the added rock elements didn’t do much to add to the musical representation of our cliche jerk-face “rival”. It feels like the rock elements were an after-thought rather than a planned layer of musicality. I could really say the same thing about Hop’s theme, but then I would have to re-listen to Hop’s theme because I always forget what it sounds like even after listening to it a second before.

A big problem is that not many of these themes hold lastingly memorable motifs/melodies, which is a personal pet-peeve of mine in games where the music is highly esteemed. In pretty much every battle theme (except the generic pokemon encounter theme, which is the same melody in every Pokemon game, only with variations added to fit the music theme of the region) is just an on-going strip of notes that sound nice when playing the game, but if you tried to pick out the specific melody-line of that character, it’s a bit of work to really find anything. Let’s look at a more concrete example: Lusamine’s battle theme from Pokemon: Sun and Moon is up on my list of most memorable battle themes, and will do well without the extra influence of young me’s nostalgia seeping in like it would with earlier generations’ battle themes. Lusamine, as we know, was the elite antagonist of the game, being the leader of this esteemed Pokemon protection group who later is revealed to be using Pokemon for her own demented goals of perfection. Almost immediately, the player hears the signature accents of the harpsichord playing the prime motif before the piece digs into a full orchestration. It doesn’t sacrifice anything for the sake of “sounding like a Pokemon song”, nor does it sacrifice anything for the sake of keeping with the musical inspiration. Instead, it focuses on being exactly what it needs to be - a musical representation of Lusamine, hosting orchestra-based instruments (piano, violas and cellos, horns, violins, light pad synths, etc…). Most anyone can pick out a handful of memorable motifs from her theme (the main horns melody line, the harpsichord melody line, the mid-section cello and piano melody line, etc…), and those remain in our unconscious. So, it’s no surprise that when she becomes the “Mother Beast” later on, when the player hears hints of those signature melody lines becoming distorted in the madness of the new battle theme, it invokes a particular emotion that fits elegantly with the subject matter of the plot right then. In short, it’s musical storytelling done right. In SWSH, we don’t have that extra omph of emotionally-nostalgic motifs; instead, we just get songs that play in the background of this video game, and that’s really it. If you don’t like the song, good news - you’ll probably only hear it once or twice, depending on who the NPC is. If you do, then you’re out of luck for the very same reasons. This game lacks a very basic hint of soul to its soundtrack, which is really such a jarring idea especially when you realize that they paired up with a composer who arguably has mastered the idea of musical motifs (Fox).

This really isn’t just SWSH’s problem, either. I also went through a similar heartbreak in S&M during the final stretch of the main game; after battling Lusamine and saving the region from the threat of Ultra Beasts (more or less, anyway), we the player go to challenge the champion, who is revealed to be Profession Kukui since there really is no true champion for the newly-made league. It’s hard to go from an exciting, powerful battle theme like Lusamine’s to some generic, cardboard-cut-out version of a champion battle theme for Kukui. It’s hard to invoke any sort of emotional appeal when there’s no real inspiration to be felt in the music; with no emotional connection, there is no emotion. It’s, once again, just music that plays in the background of a video game. A similar experience happens in SWSH with the player’s match against Champion Leon; though we have the potential to gain an emotional connection to a Leon Theme motif, we don’t get that. Instead, we just get music that is programmed to be exciting for our championship match that will undoubtedly change our lives forever. Bland, boring, anti-climatic - all for the sake of coloring in the lines. This has been an on-going problem in Pokemon games for years in which the Championship Battle Theme is less interesting than the Evil Team Battle Theme, which probably isn’t a good idea. It’s annoying when your villain has a better theme than the literal strongest trainer in the region - it ruins the chances of likability for the region’s “good guys” and overall is anti-climatic when it is finally time to become champion.

Overall, the ability to immerse someone like me in a game is very important when it comes to retaining players. While SWSH isn’t the worst Pokemon game when it comes to immersion (considering the fact that I actually beat the main game, which I can’t say for other main Pokemon titles…), Game Freak certainly could stand to learn from the game’s shortcomings.

Creature and Character Design...

The monster design is arguably one of the most controversial topics when it comes to any Pokemon game. Some people only care about the designs of Gen 1, others accept everything but Gen 5, and a select few could rant for hours on the stupidity of literally every Pokemon design in the franchise. Regardless, the design of the Pokemon native to the Galar region is an important topic of discussion when analysing the potential for enjoyment of the game. After all, I’m an artist who loves drawing all my favorite characters as well as my favorite Pokemon, so understanding the designs of these beloved figures is vital to understanding the game in general. For sanity’s sake, I’ll only be discussing new Pokemon introduced in this region, and will be ignoring all previous pokemon that aren’t regional variants.

Overall, the designs of the latest Pokemon are satisfactory. Because of my tendency to always suspend belief in fantasy works, I’ve very rarely had much to hate about Pokemon designs (not even in Gen 5, though I don’t particularly like any of them aside from the game cover legendaries). SWSH didn’t really bring much to the table when it comes to brand-new Pokemon, but the ones introduced are fitting and interesting: the Dragapult line, all three starters (even if I did laugh for literal hours at the discovery of Cinderace’s typing), Wooloo and Dubwool, Yamper and Boltund - just to name my top favorites. And I was totally invested in the designs of the game cover legendaries, Zamazenta and Zacian, since they held cultural relations with the region’s inspiration and therefore had actual meaning within the game besides just being cool mythical creatures. Nothing really outright bothered me with the designs or pokemon choices in this game; as I mentioned earlier, I was okay with the idea of no National Dex for this region, and that all the pokemon allowed in this game matched with the region well-enough.

But, of course, it’s not without faults. I found there to be a substantial lack of original legendaries in this game - we only have three real legendaries to catch in the main-game, four if you consider the DLC. We had a similar problem in Pokemon: Sun and Moon, but it was later amended with the introduction of Ultra Beasts (which can technically be regarded as legendary Pokemon, albeit from another dimension and not technically Pokemon). In SWSH, we are only given the option of catching more than two legendaries if we buy the DLC - this is remarkably disappointing for those who are interested in seeing new, unique Pokemon designs. I know many fans are constantly frustrated with Game Freak’s tendency to overuse Gen 1 Pokemon, but the fact that nobody is bothered by the running trend of being able to easily catch a bunch of previous games’ legendaries is beyond me. It’s essentially the same thing, overly relying on the fanbase’s sentimental nostalgia rather than moving forward to create new creature designs. I know for a fact that so many people would have been excited to catch Pokemon with cultural significance (maybe like elf Pokemon that resemble that of Seelie/Unseelie fairies, or more Pokemon that resemble chess pieces, or maybe more Pokemon that follow a theme of medieval artifacts - there are many possibilities), so the fact that they skimped out in favor of making people pay for nostalgia is ridiculous to me. This was a majority of the reason why I rejected buy any of the DLC content - why would I pay for Pokemon I’ve technically caught before? I mean, I guess it can be more for the kids who have never encountered the older legendaries, but then again, wouldn’t it be more beneficial for your game to have Pokemon that actually represent the new region? Instead of just stealing other games’ legendaries for the sake of saying that you have them, they could have just worked a little harder to design maybe three or six more cool legendary designs and centered those guys around the two DLC locations instead of just having Calyrex for The Crown Tundra. At the end of the day, it’s really just a cash-grab; the only reason I could ever see myself understandably buying the DLC for SWSH would be because I wanted to interact more with my favorite NPCs, but then again, I can just look at screenshots on Twitter and feel just as satisfied.

But not all is lost in terms of designs. Now let’s get into my favorite design portion of this segment and discuss the NPCs.

First, we’ll dig into the rivals. Personally, I really enjoyed the rivals of this game; while Pokemon is definitely running on a formula, I still was able to find enough about the three rival characters to genuinely enjoy their presence whenever they came on screen. I suppose we can expect to keep seeing this new Pokemon Trainer Rival Formula: Kind of Annoying but Too Sweet to Hate BFF Rival (Hop), 2 Edgy 5 U Rival (Bede), and Some Pedo’s Waifu Material Rival (Marnie).

Hop is arguably one of my favorite Pokemon rivals of all time (right up there with Gladion from S&M). He’s one of the only Pokemon characters to get a realistic character development over the course of the game’s playable story, which really humanizes him and makes up for his occasionally annoying personality. Over the course of the game, Hop goes from silently residing in his brother’s shadow to learning to stand on his own without needed any outside validation; much to my surprise, it’s not some half-hearted transition. Hop doubts himself during the challenge, as evidenced not just by his dialogue but in the way he actively changes his team to try and be more competitive like everybody else. I remember feeling so heartbroken in realization that Hop stopped using his beloved Wooloo, which is rightfully paired up with the excitable boy. The idea that Hop uses Wooloo, a normal-type cute Pokemon that generally wouldn’t be used in a competitive team, really adds more dimension to his character; when he learns to enjoy himself instead of letting his doubts overtake him, he returns to using Dubwool and his favorite team, demonstrating how he would prefer to have fun as himself than be someone he isn’t. I found that to be a really wholesome theme to his character, one that we haven’t really seen in a Pokemon game yet - it was a pleasant surprise! Hop is sweet and kind, always wanting to motivate the player even when he’s in his own internal turmoil. With all that added with his adorable babyface and goofy/awkward preteen disposition, he really makes for a likeable rival character.

The next rival to be introduced is none other than our classic Mean Boy rival, Bede. He’s a character the fanbase is a bit more accustomed to due to previous titles’ rivals (i.e. Green/Blue/Gary Oak from in R&G/B, Silver from SGC, technically also Gladion from S&M…), so are quite a few expectations placed on his character as a result. Also true to the typical Pokemon Jerk Rival, he has a complicated homelife (he comes from an orphanage, as we later learn) and has a similarly complicated parent-child relationship to the leading antagonist of the game (in this case, Chairman Rose). Bede constantly assumes himself to be better than he is and isn’t afraid to be a total prick about it, choosing to bully Hop upon winning battles against him to boost his own inflated ego (though there’s hints pointing to Bede actually having rather low self-esteem). All things considered, I liked Bede as a character about as much as one can like a mean rival archetype, but I was more than pleased to discover his transition to a more likably mean-spirited character when he later returns to the game to challenge the player after being disqualified from the challenge. While we’ve had a likeable mean rival before (namely Gladion), Bede is something of his own entity with how he actually has an attempt at character development that leads him to a mini-redemption near the end of the game. He’s really the first mean rival to have a transition from total jerk to slightly-peeved tsundere, which was probably a good idea on Game Freak’s part so that we wouldn’t be left with a character we downright hated after the way Bede quite literally destroys Hop’s confidence. It’s nowhere near as impressive as Hop’s character development (which isn’t super impressive to begin with, but let’s ignore that fact for a bit), but it’s still interesting to see in a monster-catching game about being the best you can be.

And then, of course, we get to the cute-girl rival, Marnie, also known as the place where I get a bit mad again. I’d like to say that I absolutely love Marnie; she has an adorable design and interesting personality that captures my attention whenever she has screen time. But she serves one purpose in this game, and one purpose alone - being the main cute girl rival of the game. Marnie has the potential to be a similarly interesting rival (cute design that meshes “punk” with “cute”, has a wholesome and fun dynamic with her gym leader older brother, uses a Pokemon that isn’t considered to be a “competitive” choice as her ace, has a cool/cute personality…), and yet we probably only talk to her about five times over the course of the main game. Little is done with her character - in fact, the only real thing she does in the game other than becoming the next dark-type gym leader is that she helps the player sneak into Spikemuth after the gates have been shut by the remarkably-harmless Team Yell. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I would have loved to have seen more done with her character. With the boy rivals being more fleshed out than her, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth because the female rival is the one left with a blank personality (and I’m not just saying that because she hardly smiles - that’s really one of the only things we get about her that gives her an actual personality). My frustrations are further exacerbated because this has always been an issue in Pokemon games, in which the girl rivals are so barebones for seemingly the only purpose of serving as some neckbeard’s waifu that they can input a personality they desire despite the fact that she’s canonically a minor. Why put in the time to give dimension to Hop and Bede, but not Marnie? And we know for a fact that Game Freak has to recognize the lack of personality given to Marnie, especially since they had previously come out with Lillie’s wonderfully sweet character arch in S&M and USUM. Personally, I feel that it was because they didn’t feel like having a more punkish girl character who also had traditionally feminine-coded interests (she’s known to have been distracted during the gym challenge by the boutiques) and ultimately decided to just not give her any further personality other than that, perhaps fearing that it would dissuade the gross creeper fanbase from latching onto her. But that’s really just speculation, so don’t take any of my nonsense too seriously. Really, I’d just rather we had a girl rival with more personality to match the other two rivals so it wasn’t so annoyingly unbalanced.

Moving on from the rivals, we get into the designs of the League Staff of the game. In most other Pokemon games, I’d never really been too interested in the gym leaders; they had always been more of minor bosses, just faces that you saw for a couple of seconds before pummeling their ‘mons and moving to the next city. But in this game in particular, there was a sudden transition from simple puzzle master to a full-on celebrity figure. I really enjoyed this! It was so nice to actually have some information on the gym leaders other than what type they sported; suddenly, they have personalities and interests - they become real to the player. Not to mention that there really is a gym leader for everyone to enjoy, thanks to their unique personalities and styles.

I’ll be a bit honest and say that some of their clothing designs are remarkably stupid for even an anime-based RPG game (I mean, I know we joke about Leon’s terrible sense of fashion in the fanbase, but can we just pause and ponder what Piers’ wears? I mean, a leather jacket with spandex? Metal boots and a work-out tank??? What is he wearing?!), but it isn’t exactly distracting. In Western cultures in particular, we can see a trend towards the glamourization of the “athleisure” style, or athletic wear designed more for everyday use rather than just working out. It was kind of fitting to see this be the primary style for the gym leaders, who can basically be described as hierarchical sports stars. Weird? Sure. But in the context of the world, it all fits together, and once again adds to the immersion aspect of the game.

Looking at our main antagonists, they are designed quite well. Chairman Rose is designed to be quite easy and fun to hate (at least for me) - he’s an important-looking businessman who’s very impressed with himself, paired up with a beautiful yet terrifying subordinate woman who does most all the hardwork for him (...actually, they kind of remind me of an antagonistic Cl. Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye from Fullmetal Alchemist…). They also had noteworthy battle themes that popped a bit more than other battle themes in the game.

While they hardly count as antagonists, I’d like to also make a brief mention of Team Yell. They’re more annoying than anything, which is a trend that I’m not too sure how I feel about yet. It was definitely more likable coming from Team Skull, that’s for sure. I would have liked Team Yell doing a bit more damage, having them be a bit more unruly and controversial before evening them out with the whole emotional appeal of them cheering on for Marnie in hopes of saving their ruined town. But they weren’t too terrible in my opinion.

I could talk for hours on the champion of the region, too, Champion Leon. He’s a really fun and charming character overall, less of the supremely wise and powerful champion that we’ve seen in older gens and instead being a more quirky but worthwhile opponent on the path towards the crown. But I definitely preferred him more as a character than as a champion; even though his team changes depending on your starter, it’s not too challenging of a fight if you know what you’re doing, especially when you immediately know what his ace pokemon is (something we don’t really learn in other gens about the champions). While I’m sure the idea of a powerful but transparent champion can be done, Leon doesn’t really stand up as a powerful trainer when compared to other champions in the franchise. But he’s definitely still a fun, interesting character concept that I am grateful for in this particular game.

When it comes to the designs of the primary NPCs and Pokemon, SWSH continues to talk that line just above mediocrity. Not too bad, not all that great, but definitely not something to be forgotten. I’d reason that the primary strength of this generation lies within the characters that are introduced.

Uniqueness vs. Status as a Pokemon Game...

In regards to the uniqueness - how well this game stands on its own as an individual concept rather than just another Pokemon game - I’m a bit divided. On one hand, I’m a bit saddened by the watering down of content and constant reliance on concepts from older games. But I can also see that SWSH introduced a lot of interesting ideas that have inspired so many fans for this generation. And while yes, this gen didn’t have much to offer in terms of new Pokemon, new scenarios, or new lore, I do think that it does hold its own when compared to the other games in the main series. New characters are introduced to the player, all of which having good (and bad) traits that allow for lots of fan-created content with their essence; a new look into a brand-new battle enhancer that requires a different strategy than those of previous battle enhancers; a new culture found within the Galar region that can inspire many more thoughts and theories on the Pokemon world as a whole in a number of ways. We cannot pretend that SWSH isn’t an influential game just because it wasn’t ground-breaking; even with my extreme distaste for the Black and White games, I still admit that they led to important decisions and ideas that led to the creation of games I did enjoy. So, as its own entity, I think that Pokemon: Sword and Shield really has a lot of offer and would probably be an amazing game for a younger player who’s just getting into the Pokemon universe.

But I think that a lot of us long-time fans can agree that this game doesn’t quite match up with the others in terms of giving those real “Pokemon game” feelings. The problem with big-titles like this is that the company tends to lose sight of what really makes a franchise so influential isn’t the stuff found at face-value. It’s not the creatures or NPCs or game mechanics or design or any of that garbage - it’s the feelings we get when all of those things reach that perfect harmony. It’s the rumble in my chest whenever I listen to that famous intro-sequence of my old Pokemon: Ruby game; it’s the fire in my eyes when I went back to challenge Pokemon Trainer Red for the tenth time that night back in my old Pokemon: Heart Gold game; it’s the tears I cried when I watched the only interesting character, N, leave my playable character after his emotional spiel following the defeat of Ghetsis in my long-since abandoned copy of Pokemon: White. At the end of the day, Pokemon is more of an emotion I get rather than a game I play, and I think this is an idea that few people can recognize for themselves. And while I’m aware that I literally just spent several thousand words bagging and praising this game for all those face-value aspects, I also know that when you add that extra little bit of care to your work, go a little further with a character you know someone will adore, or try something new with that new battle theme, there comes a sensation that goes beyond that of love for a silly fantasy game. I’d like to think it’s something akin to inspiration.

Conclusion...

In conclusion, Pokemon: Sword and Shield is far from perfect. With a number of faults and disappointments, I can understand why a lot of fans were less than interested in giving this game the time of day. But I also want to say that this game deserves to be understood and appreciate for what it is, for what it’s done. Who knows what sort of new ideas this game has inspired? Whether it be in the name Pokemon game or someone else’s passion project, I am confident in the potential that this game has to bring someone’s dreams to fruition. It already has inspired so much amazing fan-content from the community; after so many years of being away from the fandom, SWSH was the game that drove me right back, giving me the drive to once again indulge in my middle-school days of sketching out my latest comfort character or writing out a million headcanons in a way-too plot-heavy story. Many fan-creators in this community feel the same as me, I’m sure, so it would be untrue of me to say that this game was anything less than what it was: a fun, simple game that prides itself in its characters and potential rather than complex combat mechanics or some corkboard-plot nightmare. It’s a game meant to be enjoyed, so we must remember to find our enjoyment wherever it can be found. For me, Pokemon can’t really do much wrong, but also is held up to a level of expectations that I can’t quite understand even for myself. This, at the end of the day, is a video game from my all-time favorite franchise; so long as I can find enjoyment there in it, then it’s worth it. In a world filled with nihilism and cynicism, it’s nice to visit a land where you’re wise to try and be the very best like no-one ever was, to be the next best Pokemon Master.

#pokemon #Pokemon Sword and shield #pokemon swsh #swsh #sword and shield #game review #game #analysis #review #post mortem #(does this count as post mortem???)#casual gamer #essay #video game #food for thought

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janiedean · 4 years

Note

Well congratulations. Your fandom has successfully erased the woman of color main character and love interest and replaced her with a white dude. So much for Yen mattering. You won.

… listen, I don’t know what lann/incest shipper are you out of the usual bunch of extremely sad people who are trying to make sure I end up arguing with either yen fans or yen/geralt shippers when I have absolutely no bone to pick with any of them, I make sure I don’t tag anything but the ship in my witcher posts, I have written 10k of threesome with all three of them on top of that and I absolutely don’t want drama for this fandom ffs but honestly, you’re ridiculous.

one: idk what this is about but if it’s that post I reblogged this morning about joey b/atey being billed like a main in articles about characters returning to the show in S2 when he’s the first billed of the not-mains you honestly need to fucking chill because wow, a fan favorite character is mentioned in an article written to inform fans of who’s coming back next season? AFTER, in order, henry anya and freya? like. fucking chill.

two: as much as you presume I don’t know that, do you realize that saying ‘my fandom’ erased successfully a female character who is second-billed in the show, definitely co-main in the books from what I’ve read so far, the canonical love interest of the MAIN CHARACTER that she’s obviously BOUND to CANONICALLY (I’ve read the last wish, did you?) and who is most likely fucking going nowhere in the show? like pal until netflix comes out with a statement saying ‘according to fan reception we decided to fire anya and make geralt and jaskier stick their tongues in each others’s throat in the first five minutes of 2x01 you’re welcome’, which is obviously never going to happen because that’s not the plot and we all know that, no one has fucking erased anyone from the narration or from the show, like wow what power would I have if just by being in a fandom with a lot of people in it I could wish things out of existence! then 8x05 of GOT wouldn’t have happened and I’d have been spared dnd’s boner for c/ersei lannister ruining the entire damned series, but that didn’t happen now, did it? *shrug* and guess what I’m here writing fic and waiting for grrm, not up in your fucking blogs trying to make me stir drama with a fandom I’m not even in 100% of the time and where I just want to have fun with my ONE goddamned ship I like and without getting into shipwars idc for. so like, you have eight books of canon material plus you’ll have the show canon material, and we ‘erase’ her?

newsflash, my genius anon, indulging you even if I know it’ll be useless: it’s the way of most major fandoms that the largest ship is usually m/m and if it’s people who are friends in canon that’s usually also a thing, and I’ve been in very few fandoms where the majority of shippers were m/f, which is another discourse we could get in but I absolutely have no patience for it and we all know how it is. most of the fandom content being m/m is about typical for 95% of the fandoms in existence and that does not negate canon nor does it mean that most people into m/m actually are batting for it to be canon or want the female characters to bite the dust for the m/m ship and the fact that a few idiots do in these tiring times where your shipping preferences apparently = your morality doesn’t mean that the majority agrees or expects the female character to drop dead. good fucking grief. people will ship geralt and jaskier in fandom until their fingers fall off while geralt and yen have their canon romance that no one is gonna protest because it’s canon and if you can’t handle even that basic thing then it’s 100% obvious you’re from jc fandom and never shipped a popular m/m pairing in your damned life, because most of us who do know they’re never going to be canon.

also, fyi, yen is nonwhite in the show but she’s white in both books and game so you can take that ridiculous racism nonsense out of the window because it’s not a case of ‘we’d ship it if they both were white but the moment she’s poc we don’t anymore’. also ‘not mattering’ pal some of us like yen and have absolutely nothing against her but also, consider it, a tiny bit, just like, as an option, some of us like jaskier as a character more than yen or find him more relatable than yen regardless of whether he’s white or a dude or not, which happens because we all relate to/like characters for our own goddamned reasons and if I, a woman, have more fun writing jaskier pov than I’d have writing yen’s pov and I find geralt/jaskier a dynamic I’m way more interested exploring/writing than yen/geralt because of reasons I don’t owe you (and also because geralt and jaskier is the first fucking time my ideal m/m dynamic almost to a T is to be found in a popular ship differently from the other ship I have with that dynamic that’s stuck at nineteen fics on ao3 so excuse me if I’m a bit starved for content), then it’s my fucking business because the only people who could successfully erase yen from anything witcher-related are a) andrzej sapkwoski, b) the netflix showrunners, c) the videogame devs and guess fucking what, neither me nor anyone in this fandom is, WOW, either sapkowski or the netflix team nor works for the videogame company, so excuse me if no one is erasing fucking shit.

if you really are this invested into the character - which again I doubt because I know y’all are jc people and I have plenty of proof of that so you can go tell that story to someone else - you can do an interesting thing named write your fucking own fanfic, which btw you didn’t do even in jc fandom and it shows because you wouldn’t bother other people if you were busy creating your own content, and fyi I think yen would really fucking hate the guts of your favorite leading lady considering how she treats her goddamned children but I guess that’s beyond the point.

tldr: stop trying to make me argue with people in a fandom you’re not in, stop with this nonsense and stop being this pathetic because honestly it’s been a year and a half by now and you’re here stirring drama over a show that’s not even your main fandom? please get some help already.

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mysteriousmoonie · 5 years

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gaming club headcanons

i haven’t been on this funcking site forever and i haven’t posted any dumbass headcanons on the yandere simulator tag in forever. so much has happened?? my girl hanako has plot relevance in a different universe and my boi kencho is on a boat but whatever floats his boat---- *slapped* okay let’s talk about this instead :)))

read more because these are looooonggggg

gema taku: (look mom it’s me in four years!)

- it’s been established that he’s an asshole. and he is, don’t get me wrong. but i like to think gema genuinely wants some friends- just people who have the same interests as him. i think everybody can agree on that, he just takes it way too far.

- but that’s because gema is passionate about video games! his parents (but especially his grandparents on his mom’s side omg) have spoiled him, mainly giving him video games since they’re expensive and to them expensive = kids like it. that’s how he got his first gameboy color when he was only five. ever since he’s been addicted

- but now his parents are REALLY worried, they’re like ‘frick we fricked our kid up’ his grandparents are supportive as ever but that’s because he doesn’t live with them. if he ever moved in with them (and let’s be real, if he doesn’t get his life together soon he’ll have to!) they’d be as disappointed as his parents. but he doesn’t know how disappointed they are yet shhh

- he actually has a little brother who would be in like 5th grade if they were in america. (i dunno i’m dumb) his little brother doesn’t like spending time with him and gema doesn’t like spending time with his brother.

- while it’s true gema’s brother hates him and his brother is nowhere near as spoiled as gema, his brother still likes video games. they’ve 100% done the “mom said it’s my turn on the xbox” thing together, pretty much every day after school

- speaking of after school literally the only responsibility gema has is to pick up his brother; he forgets to do it half the time.

- his brother does martial arts as a hobby and gema is forced to go to his brother’s matches. he hates it and mainly plays video games like always,,, though sometimes he peeks up, gives his brother a thumbs up, then goes back to whatever he was doing. he’s a jerk but he can be sorta supportive

- honestly gema’s brother could take him down in a few seconds despite being half his size

- really popular on social media, has this whole persona and everything! only the gaming club members (and probs his brother too) knows about it but he’s mostly teased. secretly he kinda wishes he could be as popular on the internet as he is in real life (Same gema same, but i’m not popular anywhere lol)

- get this though! he doesn’t really have a crush on the bullies. he just wants to be friends with them so he can get popular. i think that’d be a good alternative so the fandom could not be pissed off about it (but i don’t really like it either don’t get it twisted fam)

- hoarding thousands of anime body pillows within his closet

- honestly his only friends are the guys in the gaming club but they don’t even 100% like him... actually, midori does! him and midori are really good friends and they genuinely like each other’s company. but gema will never admit that out loud.

- hates fureddo, considers him satan even though that guy is one of the nicest at school.

pippi osu: (when you play osu! and yandere simulator)

- obvious headcanon is obvious. she plays osu! a lot and is a champion at it.

- she’s seriously a sweet girl, but she’s really introverted and prefers to be alone most of the time. that’s how she got so good at video games, she dedicated her alone time to it and now she’s an e p i c g a m e r

- she’s really short, the shortest person in the gaming club. everybody considers her the baby of the group and she gets treated as such. that lowkey annoys her but she’s learned to live with it, and get those sweet sweet baby perks. because that’s a thing now.

- disaster bi!!! she likes girls and boys equally but is kinda shy when it comes to girls in real life. luckily ryuto exists, so it’s fine---

- was probably a furry in middle school. she’s still a fan of sonic boom and wears her bandana the way she does because of it.

- she works at the yandere simulator universe gamestop! it’s a really fun job for her. it’s how she met ryuto! he was buying a video game for a friend of his (not anyone in the gaming club because he didn’t know them at that point) and he saw the super cute cashier and his heart exploded. he died right at that moment and his body was taken to the morgue.

- she has a literal vodka aunt and loves her. she comes by often at the house because pippi’s parents work a lot, so her aunt watches over her! her aunt always brings a ridculous but fun gift with her and they have a lot of fun. once ryuto came over when pippi’s vodka aunt was over and since that woman was lowkey getting a bit drunk she ALMOST SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT PIPPI’S CRUSH ON HIM AND PIPPI WENT TO THE MORGUE

- owns a pet cat named ozzy. (yeah i’m going all out with the references)

ryuto ippongo: (is it THAT DUDE?)

- no, it’s not that dude. he’s awkward as hell and doesn’t even really like video games that much. but it seems like everyone around him does, so he pretends he does. especially for pippi! because oh my GOSH that girl is cute though!!! he knows it and wants to date her really badly but he’s socially anxious and can’t bare to ask her out. yet

- he loves his parents and all, but he’s constantly lying to them saying he’s studying, even though he’s playing video games and “subtly flirting” with a cute girl. (him lying to his parents is actually canon i think)

- honestly the only the only expectation his parents have for him is to get good grades. that’s all they really care about, but they still do love ryuto. he just kinda feels like that’s all they care about sometimes, since they ask about it often and it gets on his nerves

- as you can see ryuto just wants to fit in. he’s never really been part of a distinct crowd before, and it always made him feel different compared to his peers. but once he got into the gaming club he was a lot happier! though, he still doesn’t like how he has to lie to everyone. he really wishes he could just be honest.

- he’s actually dyslexic, but he was worked with at a young age so he can read good enough. he still feels more pressure because of this, though. he keeps this secret from everyone in the gaming club, especially pippi, in fear of being made fun of.

midori gurin: (MY FAVORITE)

- Has ADHD

- Even though she cannot focus whatsoever, her positivity is contagious, and so is her smile. Basically everybody lights up when she walks in the room. However, she has been bullied because of her hyperactivity. Though Midori will stand up for herself, and she takes shit from nobody. Please don’t make Midori mad. She will take you downtown, and she can hold some pretty mean grudges too. (At least, sometimes.)

- Very forgetful, and that’s why she asks so many questions all the time.

- She loves Pokemon! Midori is very passionate about it, and her favorite Pokemon is Magearna. (She’s got thousands of Pokemon plushies)

- Her family is rich, she’s an only child, and she’s somewhat spoiled. She always has the latest technology, ESPECIALLY the newest phone models. i read on the wiki that yanderedev said midori’s parents are likely VERY cumb but personally i don’t agree and that’s why i make headcanons, to go against authority :)))

- Wants to become a videogame designer, though she doesn’t have the patience to become one tbh. she thinks it’s easy but when she tries to do it she cries after like, 10 minutes because she can’t code.

- Midori is friends with gema because she knew he needed a real friend, so she’s always there for him!.

- Has a bunch of different accounts for different websites; barely uses them. She is a VERY fast texter, but sometimes gets so excited during texting that misspells words or accidentally ends up spamming the other person she’s texting.

- Is currently secretly dating kaga kusha,,,, OKAY LISTEN! i know the uh, reason why most people ship them... but for my own sake i’m gonna say that’s not canon at all (i hope it’s not) and i’m gonna ship them because the iconic dumb and proud + smart and crazy couple is iconic, at least to me

- Her movements are quick and jerky.

- Whenever she's happy she hums her favorite songs and dances around everywhere.

mai waifu: (cutie!!!)

- she’s trans and she’s openly out! i’m pretty sure that’s been said everywhere but i like that headcanon so ya know... even if that wouldn’t really work in japan... let’s ignore that!

- the bullies like to target her for obvious reasons, but she’s learned to ignore them for the most part, and focus on her friends and supporters.

- she is the one that has given the gaming club that whole “otaku” vibe. sure, the others like anime but her!!!! oh her!!!!! she takes it to the extreme. it’s in her nickname, her aesthetic, everything.

- speaking of aesthetic she has an aesthetic tumblr blog

- she has social anxiety, so she doesn’t have too many friends... but lots of guys (and girls too tbh) have huge crushes on her because she’s just so cute.

- her best friend is pippi! they play video games, watch anime, have plenty of sleepovers and they play with ozzy! it’s a lot of fun. mai is one of the only people who know of pippi’s crush on ryuto and she is pippi’s wing woman.

- while she’s really good in domestic type of situations (she’s really close to her mom) she can’t really draw. at all. but she still likes it! most of her drawings are crappy looking anime characters, but she tries lol.

k i’m done. expect something on kencho (probably idk) in the future because i love to destroy the yandere simulator tag by being on it

#yandere simulator #yandere sim #yandere simulator headcanons #gema taku #mai waifu #midori gurin #pippi osu #ryuto ippongo #yandere sim headcanons

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fatebreaking-a · 4 years

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Tagged by : I am a thief. ( Stolen from @starthieve ) Tagging : steal it from me.

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

( I will not, I will pick all my muses, how dare- I’ll leave everything except this blog + my other Sona blog out, for length’s sake.) long post, so it’s under the cut.

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES-ish / NO. ( people who like her like her, and people who don’t... really don’t. )

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon? — lol. I take inspiration from canon, let’s put it that way.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — Your local patron saint of lost causes, a heroic entity who has overcome betrayal and judgement to become an existence that can save the world. Also she’s tall and strong and hot and nice, what more could you want? Huh? You want more than being hugged by a 6′4″ lady??? Sona can also be in various countries, and can participate very easily in fluff, angst, and all sorts of other types of threads.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — Lots of angst and drama, a bit of a loner with a distant vibe. Having no etwahl and not playing music kills the interest and ‘usual interactions’ for a lot of people, and being mute & not jumping to telepathy can make threads dry and slow. Being a ‘sexy boob lady’ ( u g h ) also has painted her in a certain light - I’ll never forget that someone said that ‘ofc everyone ships with Sona, she’s the village bicycle.’ I’ve made her exceptionally strong ( almost overpowered ), and that doesn’t jive with people sometimes - shoving in all these themes that I personally like and crafting an interesting story of a divine / demonic seer witch who doesn’t know what to do with herself, is finally ‘too strong’, and finds power distasteful... The themes can be a little depressing and cold, even when she acts nice. And seeing “Even though she feels nothing, she still acts nice” in character can feel... tiring. A mute is not an easy person to write with, and I don’t shy away from trying to give the impression that ‘waiting for Sona to communicate can be tiring’ - because I want my readers and mutuals to feel the kinds of things she goes through everyday. While I try to make the blog accessible, Sona has a speech disability, and that can be tiring.

Also that she doesn’t act like a fancy noble... I don’t know. I feel like the way that I write her is very, very different to the fandom’s impression of her, and that leaves people disillusioned. “This isn’t what I expected or signed up for.” She’s just not that person... And because she doesn’t speak, a lot of prompts are off limits. I’ve also recently reset because I wanted to emphasize that she is patient, grim, and secretive while still being kind. I’ve toned down her tendency for mischief a lot, she used to be an absolute gremlin.

A lot of these things also apply to my other Sona blog ( @virtuous-dignity ), where she is extremely structured and self-confident and a bit of a recluse, so while she’s much much nicer, she’s also a complete hardass. It’s rough stuff, especially since I make sure to point out, “hey this Sona practices music over 8 hours every day.” “Hey this Sona finds it morally wrong to play music for small audiences.” There are certain traits that just cut ideas in the bud.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — I played Sona a lot in bot lane. Multiple years of sexist remarks, shitty writing, and bad characterization made me frustrated. A lot of things were left unexplained and the etwahl felt like too much of a focus that I could not answer, “who is Sona besides a musician with a fancy instrument”. She has to be someone, right? But we never get to that in the story ( nor in the apparent upcoming lore rework either... ). She has to be someone, her being a famous musician is not everything. So I forcibly tossed aside the music part, especially to also prevent accidentally being pulled into ‘your music is so pretty’ plots. Plus: I wanted to write a character with an internal conflict who was going through some things but wanted to be nice anyway - I believe in that idea a lot. And I wanted to write a character that, tbh, could ship and flirt and just... be flirty and easy going more ( hah! didn’t work out so great now! ). My first canon characters were a ‘left by the void Malz’ dealing with his sins and Ori, who I talk about below, and neither were really great for getting that flirty vibe out. I also really wanted to emphasize that... Well, to be blunt, that if I wrote Sona as sexually promiscuous, that wasn’t a bad thing. That ‘being sexy’ and ‘sex positive’ did not equal ‘objectified tiddy witch’ and ‘perfect candidate for oppai mouse pad’ and other things I’ve heard directed at me in my league experience. Many, many things. Ugh. It kind of did end up turning into a thing where Sona herself draws an interesting line between ‘haha I can tell everyone’s looking at me with those eyes and it’s the fucking worst’ and ‘ok but I trust you and am in bed with you, so I want you to grab me’ - but that’s getting more into ns/fw topics so I’ll leave it there.

What keeps your inspiration going? — All my characters tend to be expressions of myself, as well as answering important thematic questions, like “What does it mean to be rejected by your home and no longer have a place”, and some other stuff. I usually go back to that. Plus, exploring concepts around abandonment and loneliness is something I do a lot with her - feelings of neglect and disillusionment, and ideas surrounding “do I need to like someone or be liked by someone to treat them with dignity”. ( virtuous-dignity, on the other hand, was created because I wanted to write something as soft and uwu as possible, and then it turned into something about ‘balancing dignity for oneself with duty to others’ and handling those kinds of conflicts. )

I also really do enjoy, on some level, turning people around on these characters. “You made me care about character x” is such high praise.

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. ( idk, how many of you think robots are hot- )

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. ( I think people downplay Ori’s intelligence a lot, but Riot also casually implied she did open heart surgery on herself so??? )

Are they underrated? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon? — hahahahahahaha. hah. hah. Sorry. Everything I write is divergent by default.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — A genius inventor and cute spherical robot duo who speak to other robots and shoot lightning, run around acting cute, and try to save their city one step at a time - all while dealing with deep existential dread and fighting off a fate that decrees Ori’s death. Between ‘pancake bot’ and Ori being an accidental flirt, there’s plenty of variety and development here as my oldest canon muse. Not to mention that the blog ‘grows’ and ‘changes’, and in the last year, Ori has taken to dying her hair pink ( because Vi is cool is why, just don’t let her near a rifle or she’ll try to imitate Cait ). I also regularly think about / draw different hairstyles and clothing styles. Ori is very much ‘alive’, the most so out of the three muses on this blog. A human that has the memories of being a robot, trying to live on and live a good life. Also, there are bird, angel, and time themes. So many clocks. Mega clocks!

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — Deep angst and existential dread, because she knows her fate is to die and she’s cheated time. Themes of dysphoria and other troubling topics abound. Being stuck in time loops, thinking she’s an aberration, needing crutches because her legs stop working, etc.

Also, removing the fact that she is a robotic automaton is a bunch of the appeal of Ori. Or well, it’s what makes her character ‘interesting and unique’ to many. Without that, she is ‘yet another Zaunite’, as the thing that made her most interesting was her death and rebirth. ( Nevermind that her entire story is that she’s a selfless person but- I’m supposed to act like she’s bad, right? )

What inspired you to rp your muse? — Hey remember when institute of war was a thing? And then when it wasn’t? And Ori’s lore was “died to a turret shot trying to be a champion”... and then it was up in the air for two years?

That’s why. If no one else will love her, I will. She deserves better. And then the lore became close to my lore so I rewrote everything a second time trying to stick to the themes I had.

Ori’s thematic question is, “What do you do when you don’t recognize yourself anymore? How do you get back to ‘okay’ and what do you do from there?” It’s a pretty dim question that has a lot to do with body image, but also to do with abandonment and neglect, and just dropping out of people’s lives. I think that’s something that people can really relate to. I originally wrote her on a multi with a ‘post void Malz’, who was dealing with the trauma of being puppeted around for years and all the things he had done, trying to get back to ‘okay’ without getting killed. More below:

What keeps your inspiration going? — Themes as noted above, Ori is super cute, and a lot of my art & general ideas. I’ve kind of turned these three characters in borderline OCs and keep developing them as they grow... Sometimes I think the stories and concepts I’ve written have outgrown the fandom. And thinking about her, and how she would live, and what her story is... mmm.

Also, the themes I write... I think they matter. Maybe it’s not obvious to anyone but myself, but writing a character who feels dysphoria and hates their body for ‘betraying them’... is relatable. It’s not nice. It’s not simple. But it’s relatable and it matters. Ori’s theme on this blog has a lot to do with “fighting a fate that says you’re going to lose and defying expectations” as well as “coming back from something wicked and rotten in your psyche/body”. And I do write some other skin verses for her but they’re all adapted to meet that theme. ( For example, in SG, she rises to guardian after finding out she’s fated to become a dark star and fights that fight alone, because ‘hell no she’s not going to go dark’. This was 5+ years ago back when there were theories SG and DS were same universe. )

Mostly it’s writing about these themes of expectation and reality. Overprotective parent, absentee parent, dealing with trauma... All my writing is like that. It can make my characters seem overly tragic, yes, but these ideas are not so far gone that they’re completely irrelevant and beyond belief. I’m sure many people have experienced emotional exhaustion and problems with body image. Even though I do write ‘polite but ready to fight’ characters only... Well, I believe in exploring and expressing these kinds of problems. Inner conflict and all. But also fluff! Fluff is really nice! Talk to her about pancake robot.

I also really do enjoy, on some level, turning people around on these characters. “You made me care about character x” is such high praise.

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. ( post rework??? oh my god )

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. ( hard to consider ‘martial’ characters strong when Xer/ath and Syn/dra exist )

Are they underrated? YES / NO. ( she’s a little overrated, isn’t she? )

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon? — I still draw from old lore with her big four blades of doom and ‘reviving’ with the help of Raka ( though I leave it vague / easy to gloss over ). I also had a lot of ideas about music and rhythm and tradition before the update ( drums were a big thing for her, so strong percussive beats and motions reign over the more silk and ribbon dances that flow more, drawing on things like Zelos existing, Lito’s lessons & harsh behavior, and her own internalized habits of trying to calm herself ), so I draw on those a ton. For me, the progression is ‘classic’ -> ‘infiltrator / nightblade ‘ -> ‘aviator’ all as one timeline. Also wrote her as being ‘missing in action’, which makes the awaken cinematic weird. I also really try to emphasize that she’s an emotionally stunted wardog with scars and not ultra pretty, so.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — A world traveler and a wardog, you can find her anywhere, any time, ready to kick some butt and enjoy the local food. Her simmering fury is a counterpoint to her relatively muted demeanor and adventurous spirit. However you may find her, there’s a definite charm to being flown up above the clouds to watch a sunset and talk. She will fly you where you need to be.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — I’m a little stuck on old lore and writing Lia as a character that has “left behind” her past and is pretending to be dead does make certain interactions tough. She’s also a deeply stunted character, emotionally, and I write her ten years of experience as having chilled her to a cold, ever burning ember rather than a passionate flame. Also, ‘aviator’ is kind of weird to handle for a lot of people.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — This one is really simple. When this blog started, the only splash where Irelia was smiling was the aviator splash. That’s it. That as the whole reason. “I want her to be happy and have found her happiness.”

What keeps your inspiration going? — I will admit that Lia is the character that I give the least attention to out of these three, and part of it is because I don’t really do flirting or shipping with her as much. She’s not one to reach out to others, and there are a lot of popular Lia blogs to the point that when I, as a multi, write with someone... She probably isn’t the first pick.

But I just... want her to be happy. That’s it. As I mentioned with the Ori section, what I’ve worked out for her has kind of outgrown the fandom itself, she’s become a different entity. Her themes largely involve recovery and finding oneself anew, and writing a character that is passionate about others while still being cool-headed is some of the variety I need. Because Lia is ace/homosexual, she sits out on a lot of the flirty content, but the chances I get to write her being romantic and caring... my god. Just a few posts back and forth with @unholyshe ‘s Akali and a So/na I used to write with....... Unforgettable. ( On that note go follow @unholyshe what a good writer, gosh dang. ) It’s these small interactions I find intensely compelling, and having a ‘quiet intensity’ and really thinking about her body language...

Also it’s nice to write a character with little secret agenda, who is just straightforward. “Will I enjoy kissing you? Only one way to find out. ‘It was okay.’ “ A ‘the only way forward is through, just do it’ attitude is refreshing.

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Learning to write all three characters helps me write the others: The little things I think about that are specific to each person really help me out for the others. The depth of using body language from Sona bleeds into how Lia uses body language, and how Ori doesn’t ( even common ticks ), etc etc. Ori’s blunt, observational style of speaking ( telling you that you look good like it’s an observational fact ) helps me understand how to be straightforward with Lia.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES …? / NO. ( sometimes I do get very anxious abt it, esp. since I’m so divergent and do things like ‘so/na is one part succubus lol’ )

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO. ( do excerpts count? less headcanons and more musings, since I’m on like 5+ years with 2/3 of these. )

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO. ( time is not a thing but I used to write a ton, my drabble energy goes to novels now )

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. ( this is why you see mobile posts from me constantly, and so many excerpts / musings ).

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO. ( It’s what I want but it can also be disillusioning / disappointing to people so. Dunno. Anxiety. =/ )

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO. ( It takes me a bit to warm up to a character again, but yes. I know my writing is not bad but I can be a little insecure about it. )

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO. ( Very. I cry a lot and I get upset pretty easily. Sometimes I end up being really cold instead but idk. )

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — To a point. Sometimes criticism is irrelevant or meaningless, or is just personal taste. “Sona shouldn’t be that strong” isn’t helpful ( but thinking about ways to pare down the complexity is good! ) Sometimes I get criticism that is the equivalent of tasting a chocolate cake and going, “It should have been vanilla, I like vanilla better.” That’s cool, but that has nothing to do with the taste of the chocolate cake I made. ( Ori as a human isn’t interesting, talk more about Sona & the etwahl even though it’s broken, Lia flying doesn’t make sense, etc - these are foundational flavors, so what can I do? ).

Also sometimes people make comments that make me feel they’re just being petty / catty and not sincere. I’ve seen quite a few hypocritical comments and it’s hard to take them seriously. So, yes, but ‘to a point’... Mostly I take suggestions, which I then talk about for the muse. Exploring those ideas. Unsolicited criticism is... hmm. In my experience, about half of it isn’t constructive. And from the wrong person, it can sound judgemental.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — Of course? I love asks. Always. Great. Awesome. If I have a chance to draw to answer these asks, even better.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — Not really. I’m divergent, they probably disagree because they have a different vision for the character. I’ll be honest here and say I’ve had enough people tell me that “my portrayals are not what they expected” that this can be... disheartening. I usually have a good reason for 80% of my hcs. If we’re talking in IMs though or just conversing, I’m totally fine with it. This comes back to unsolicited criticism - to be a little blunt, some people just straight up don’t know what they’re talking about. And given that I put a bunch of effort in trying to make sure most of my headcanons can be glossed over, so it doesn’t cause conflict and my ‘ultra grim take’ doesn’t cause the end times... I dunno. I’d rather that someone tell me “the kind of interactions they want”, so I can lean into that direction. If you just want fluff, I can leave most of my darker hcs for So/na at the door... But you need to tell me that, so I can work with you.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — just leave? huh? I mean, I already know people disagree. If you’re not rude, then we’ll just move on and be chill. Otherwise... well, we won’t be chill and you can still go, but I’ll consider you a dick. I don’t expect everyone to agree with “Ori is a human”, but why bring that up to me?

This is why a lot of the time, when people talk about characters and my muses, my brain defaults to “Well that has nothing to do with me.” Why should I invest any time being upset that people are disappointed with my portrayal or I’m not what they expected. It’s exhausting. People have some really strong opinions about Lia and Sona sometimes, but... ‘that has nothing to do with me.’ There’s no point in trying to convince someone to try your flavor of ice cream when they’ve already decided what flavor and toppings they want. It just leads to tremendous insecurity. I should not have to argue that ��my portrayal is worth paying attention to’.

Ugh. I might be too sensitive about this. There was a point where people really got in the habit of saying, “this is how character x is” ( not their muse ), and it felt like someone trying to enter my kitchen. It did not feel like a suggestion or an idea. It was an assertive, “this is how Irelia is” by, say... a Ry/ze or Ken/nen blog or something. That felt extremely isolating and alienating to me, because it felt like I could not participate in that conversation at all. Or stuff after. I had to sideline myself, because... that has nothing to do with me or my interpretations. Ofc griping at them is wrong because I know they mean, ‘this is how I see it’, but ye. I’m short tempered and easily upset. Working on it.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — um? bye? hello?

god I used to go “ ok that’s cool you don’t like my portrayal, here are some other great So/na blogs that I love” but I realized that I was directing someone who felt the need to tell me my portrayal or character is bad to those people... and no. no no no. I still feel a little guilty about it, because thinking I directed a toxic person to my duplicates... yuck.

If you don’t like the characters, or you don’t like my divergent takes, that’s fine. I get it’s not for everyone. Just unfollow me. You’re not paying me. You’re not under any obligation. To an extent, i don’t mind being critical of the character, but there’s a difference between being critical and being hateful to someone’s muse? And it depends a lot on how close I am with a person. For example, I think Sy/las is a complete scumbag and I hate him, but I don’t go yelling that to every Sy/las blog I see. C’mon.

Another bit of salt but it’s... kind of a sad topic, really. There are some characters people love to hate, whereas other ones get the ‘protection squad’. And in general it’s really disheartening to see someone shittalk Lux every two weeks, but go ‘these other champs are off limits’. If you have that attitude, it makes me think you’ll shittalk my characters the moment they get popular ( COUGHIRELIACOUGH ) and that’s kind of sad. And mean. So general advice on this is: Probably just don’t tell someone you hate their muse, you know? Idk. Everyone has their own tolerance level too so. meh.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — Somewhat. Not much to say here, sometimes I am very tired, sometimes I comma splice like a madman, sometimes I overuse hyphen dashes to avoid deciding whether to use a comma, period, or semicolon - like this. I don’t need an editor. English is my first language. But if there’s something egregious or you have tips, let me know? I’m someone who looks up grammar rules regularly, and breaks teh rules just as regularly. Knowing when and how to break grammar rules is useful. Though I do tend to... overuse something once I’ve learned it. Hyphen dash, I’m looking at you.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — Yes and no. I’m chill, I can be a little overly passionate, and I’m pretty quick to apologize... But I have certain moral standards and if you break those, you’re done. Also I can be a vengeful bastard. I try to give as much benefit of the doubt as I can and many chances, but I’ve noticed that I really... have a sour attitude towards a lot more people than I expect. Sometimes people who are very well liked, just because they said or did something that ticked me off. Luckily, I have the special skill of not being a jerk even if I don’t like you, and overall trying to be nice to most people, so it usually won’t matter.

Ah and I can be a little selective in who I talk to / play favorites a bit. I’m a busy person with an adult life and a stressful job, I only have so much patience. I skip from “tolerating it” to “leaving”, and that can seem like I ghosted, but that’s not always the case. Just better to leave than to pick fights. I have some pretty strict standards and harsh opinions. Short temper. Vengeful. Alas.

Somehow people think I am very nice and baby, so take that for what you will. Pft. I just want people to be happy and feel comfortable and okay. Wrong is wrong, blah blah blah ok I stop now.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

( If you managed to read all this, with 3 full muses... Let me know, I want to hug you??? )

#long post tw #ooc #//...I think this took me over an hour to write oops.

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