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razanartuk · 3 years

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about me tag game thing

i was tagged by the wonderful @nothingunrealistic! thank you very much ily <3

under read more bc i was not capable of keeping my answers brief this time around

why did you choose your url?

this...was supposed to be a short explanation but it turned into quite a tale so strap in i guess because we are going on a ride. back in 2017 i was just getting into musical theatre rp and i was still feeling too shy to really talk to anyone ooc so i would just wait for people i wanted to interact with to post starter calls so i could just do things in character with them the easy way. So i did this with my friend cam, who posted a starter for me using a lyric from If I Could Tell Her. she linked the song so i could listen to it, so i did and i went ‘wait a minute, is that Ben Platt from Pitch Perfect?? (and other things too, but i only recognized his voice at the time bc of the acappella girl movies)’ and yes it certainly was.

i had zero idea what the plot of Dear Evan Hansen was about at that point, and for some reason based off Just That One Song and the poster art of who i assumed was Some Guy in a Polo Shirt i started to think it was about some jock guy who broke his arm and had an emo/goth friend who had either died or gone missing under mysterious circumstances. also i intuited that Evan had a crush on his friend’s sister but he couldn’t tell her that directly or his emo friend would kick his ass. so i was like mostly wrong, but a little bit right.

oh and i knew jared and alana were characters from the show bc cam said that they were i think?? but i had no idea what their role was. so after listening to if i could tell her, i listened to good for you and all i really got out of that was that evan the apparently not-jock guy had done...something... that really hurt jared and alana. and at that point i finally decided to go look up a plot synopsis and i found out i was waaay off base. but honestly this is why cast recordings should include scene dialogue in the songs bc otherwise you just get soundtracks like dear evan hansen where the songs have like. zero context. we really just go from waving through a window to for forever to sincerely me without like. any reason as to what is happening huh. It’s honestly not a surprise anymore that all those people on twitter had no idea the plot isn’t about gay teenagers.

anyways. cam was writing jared and she made a post at one point about wishing somebody would write alana and i was like ‘oh i could do that!’ (after i had actually Seen a bootleg and finally knew what the whole story was, of course) so i made a multimuse rp blog featuring alana beck, nabulungi hatimbi, chloe valentine and some other characters, and cam started sharing her headcanons with me that alana is trans, jared and alana were close friends when they were little kids but they sort of drifted apart as they got older and their priorities in life changed, jared was the first person alana came out to when she realized she’s trans, etc.

one night i started talking about wanting to pick a more theatre-relevant url for my blog and trans-[character name] urls were getting pretty popular, and at least 3 of the friends i made through rp had changed theirs to coordinating trans-[character name] and i think it was cam suggested i should make mine be trans-alana so i did. eventually i realized the unhyphenated version was available so i changed it to transalana with no hyphen and i have lived here ever since. sometimes i think about changing it but i feel like transalana has become a part of My Brand and i am not so great with coming up with cool names for things.

any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them

in theory, i have sideblogs... i don’t really use them, but of the ones i do have, there is:

emsbookblog - this was supposed to be where i would post excerpts of the book that i’m working on, but i think i did that maybe one time roughly 2 years ago and then promptly forgot about it/got nervous about my writing and was scared to share anything else. the rest of the stuff that is there is assorted writing tips. i don’t really know what to do with it now. i probably should post all my little thoughts about em and anita and caleb there instead of infodumping on my main from time to time, but if i do that then i have to promo a sideblog and direct people over to it which is always annoying to me when i could just do it on this blog which is much easier

dearnovelhansen - this is basically no longer used, but was a sideblog i made specifically to talk/complain about the novel adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen which was about 3 years ago?? maybe? i can’t be trusted to understand the passage of time. but to summarize: i thought it was an honor just to have the story be made more accessible since many of us couldn’t see the stage performance, but i hated a lot of the creative liberties that were taken. my main grumbles are that everyone who isn’t evan or connor is done so dirty in the novel. connor’s still kind of done dirty in the book, but not as much as like. heidi, alana, jared, and zoe are.

horseisle3 - this one was meant to be a place where i could just enthusiastically post screenshots from hi3, but instead it turned into a blog where i occasionally reblog other players’ hi3 content and bitch about how bad the game admins are bc hi3 is the tumblr famous (infamous?) homophobic horse game. the game where it was once okay to call your club store the gulag bc according to their head of hr, ‘it’s just a russian word for prison’ but you can’t say ‘im gay’ without somebody accusing you of corrupting young children who play the game. unfortunately there aren’t very many good interactive horse games out there, so this one is still about as good as it gets. it’s either that or star stable and i don’t care about star stable.

mlaenie - i’ve had this url saved for i don’t even know how long. way way way back in the day when i wanted to escape from the clutches of the onceler fandom i abandoned my first blog where i basically had an alter ego i guess?? and i decided to just be myself on the new blog. i don’t fully remember who came up with it, but one of my sister’s mutuals suggested that if you scrambled the letters in your name you could come up with aesthetic-looking urls. so lauren’s url became lrauen, and to match with her mine became mlaenie, which i abandoned on tumblr after about a year or so? but have continued to use as my main username on twitter, reddit, youtube, xbox, steam, and discord. i barely ever use any of these accounts aside from twitter, steam, and xbox, but yeah. so i’ve decided to try and turn this empty sideblog into a place for video game thoughts maybe. we’ll see how long it lasts this time around.

how long have you been on tumblr?

i made my first tumblr account in december of 2010, but i didn’t understand how to use it at all or how to customize my theme to look cool and unique so i quickly abandoned it. i made a new account in september of 2011 after some kids at school and my sister told me i should and i have been trapped here with varying degrees of activity/inactivity ever since. i have witnessed the rise and fall of the lorax/onceler fandom, hyperfocused on lord of the rings, star wars and back to the future all at the same time, and for the past 4 years i’ve mostly been a musical theatre blog with assorted other fandom stuff mixed in. i feel i have seen everything and nothing, but mostly i’m just tired and bored.

do you have a queue tag?

no bc i don’t use a queue. i’ve tried using it in the past but i irrationally feel pressured to sustain a coherent theme to queued posts and my brain simply does not vibe with that so i just don’t use it at all anymore. Instead i instantly reblog or post several unrelated thoughts in succession and then don’t post again at all for 3 days. the way god intended

why did you start your blog in the first place?

my very first blog was intended to be a place for me to post all of my petz 5 animals’ profile info, but i didn’t have any understanding of how coding worked at all and i don’t think i really wanted to learn, either. so it just sat there, unused. my second attempt at blogging was as a classic rock fandom person, so as you can probably imagine i was pretty pretentious about ‘modern pop’ vs the beatles, the rolling stones, the who, the monkees, and so on. and then i slowly devolved into a lorax fandom blog and everything went to shit so i made a new blog for lord of the rings/the hobbit which later evolved to include star wars and back to the future blogging. and then for the past 4 years i’ve been mainly a musical theatre blog with other random stuff i like thrown haphazardly into the pot. wonderful.

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

because my url is transalana and two of my most prominent lgbt headcanons are that alana beck is trans and a lesbian. i gotta be shouting out @kinqmike though bc she’s the one i adopted the trans alana beck headcanon from in the first place!

why did you choose your header?

in 2017 i was hyperfixating on Dear Evan Hansen (and Be More Chill, but there weren’t many gif-able videos then considering it ran for a month in New Jersey in 2015 and there was only one yet-to-resurface 35 minute bootleg) so i just grabbed a random gif off of google. i really should get to replacing it with a new header of my own though. i just don’t know what i should do for it.

what’s your post with the most notes?

i have lost track of how many notes it has (i think it’s somewhere around 200 now?) but when Will Roland and George Salazar performed Two Player Game on Good Morning America, i posted a screencap of their Jeremy and Michael along with that one quiz answer meme that says stuff like ‘i want to see it grow up healthy’. i didn’t tag it with any ship names or anything because i was anxious about having it show up in the tags, but somebody who reblogged it from me did tag it as boyf riends and i firmly believe it took off because of that. i don’t think i make posts that are relevant enough to amass thousands of notes, even by accident. which is probably a good thing bc if i did i would have to block so many of them.

how many followers do you have?

on this blog? 175 according to the counter. how many of those are still real people and how many are bots and abandoned accounts? i have no idea.

how many people do you follow?

i try to keep it somewhere around 200. i think i’m sitting at 180 right now but i kind of need to go through and clear out the really inactive blogs.

have you made a shitpost?

let’s think about this for a second. i’ve been on tumblr for nearly 10 years. you might even be able to say i’ve made more than one. they’re just not what you would call...popular shitposts.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ post?

that stuff makes me so incredibly anxious that i have to fight the urge to want to yeet my laptop or mobile device through the closest window whenever i read it, so i try very hard to avoid any sort of ‘if you don’t reblog this, i’m judging you’ posts. i find them very manipulative and not particularly helpful

do you like tag games?

yeah babey!! i just frequently forget to do them, but please know that if you have ever tagged me in a tag game i felt incredibly touched by the gesture and the @mention even if i completely forgot to do the thing afterward

do you like ask games?

i do! but also rip to literally anyone who has ever sent me an ask meme bc it takes me so long to answer them. i’m still working on a micro fic prompt from a few weeks ago. also, horrified to realized that it has in fact been a few weeks and not 3 days anymore.

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i don’t know that any are tumblr famous as a whole. but probably @neverheardnothing

do you have a crush on a mutual?

in any sort of romantic connotation? no. not that i’m aware of. there are mutuals that i have friend crushes on where i want to be friends with them but i get so anxious when it comes to meeting new people that usually nothing ever comes of it. i’m really not good at small talk or other casual conversation either which, as you may or may not be able to imagine, sucks. i just wanna skip over all of the awkward introductions and ‘hey how are you, how is life, what are you doing with yourself?’ stuff. not because i don’t care about it. i do, but i think most of my friends/the people i want to be my friends are also depressed and anxious so asking these basic questions about life tends to uh. make us all nervous. and i don’t do much with my life so i always have the most boring answers anyways.

i’m not tagging anyone officially bc the @ thing has just completely given up on me at this point, but if you want to do it, go for it. and then say i tagged you so i can read it c:

#mel.rtf #abt me #tag games

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comic-brew · 4 years

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On Smoldering Ashes

Chapter Two: If any more blood is to be spilt

@whumptober2020 days 3. Held At Gunpoint, 6. "Stop, Please", 9. "Take Me Instead", 14. Branding and 21. Stitches (Altprompt)

Series summary: Bruce Wayne has gotten vulnerable. Bruce Wayne has found love. His love and his kids are all he needs to find happiness. Some sick concept of fate doesn't like him being happy.

Notes: Forgive me for I have sinned. Oh god, oh lord, what in the blazing hells is this. Shitty shitty but I'm tired and late *drops mic* (37 mins/4.6k words I've exhausted tumblr's paragraph limit)

Warnings: RATED MATURE. Graphic depictions of child abuse and torture, graphic depictions of violence, blood, swearing, heavy I guess angst

AO3 | Prev Chapter | Next Chapter

***

"Why" Dick hears Bruce's voice implore. "Why are you doing this? I thought-"

Bruce's merely balancing on his toes inches from the end of the cliff, Dick can figure just by the way his voice wavers like it has only ever done no more than a couple times in the past.

Cecile knows this. She knows Bruce, and she knows this. And quite possibly she's enjoying it way too much.

"Because, dear, who can say they're getting paid to practise their hobbies?"

Dick can only gawk at her, an frankly that's the only thing all the others seem able to do as well.

Hobbies?

They're nothing but a plaything to her.

It doesn't seem right. This shouldn't be happening. Dick should be helping B plan the wedding that made him beam just at the thought of taking place.

Not being held in an unknown location by his could-be step mother.

They really dodged a bullet, but in doing so they fell right into a different trap.

His family's unable to speak, stunned by the sudden revelations. He can't blame them, nor can he blame Jason for cursing under his breath.

Barbara's the first to snap out of their trance.

"What could you possibly want that Bruce's money couldn't get you?" she asks. Her true goal though, expertly weaved inside is search of Cecile's motive.

There's none.

Cecile giggles. "Oh dear. It's never about money. It's not personal either, if that's what's bugging all of you. And although my client does pay a fair amount, in reality.. pain and suffering are simply way too enjoyable."

Client, Dick notes. Somebody's paying for this. Somebody that most likely knows who they are when night falls. Somebody dangerous.

Cecile then turns to look directly at Bruce, as she expertly hides her poison inside cheerfully spoken words.

"And you, love, with as many kids as you have here,-" she says, and Bruce's face crumples, "-are going to be a very, very interesting subject"

Duke shakes his head in disbelief at the woman.

"You're sick"

Cecile sits back and ponders on this statement for a bit. Just for a split second, so it's enough to pass across that message, but not quite long to let them be freed from that entrapping mist of concurrent desire for knowledge, and repulse keeping them bound to every word that falls from her lips.

"Perhaps I am" she ventures.

"Perhaps we're all sick, just in different ways. Have you ever thought of that?"

Dick has in fact thought of that, but his answer would never share meaning with Cecile's. How different really are they from the people they fight? They lock all those costumed freaks up in Arkham, but they themselves could very well be described in the exact same way. Sometimes he wonders if they're insane for choosing this life, and the answer that his mind spits out is always yes.

Every life they save is worth it. That's the truth that makes him continue to put on the suit every night, even though the wounds inflicted on him the previous night are still healing.

But are they really making a difference? Aren't they just lunatics running around in kevlar and spandex. Isn't all the grime and mold of the city simply feeding off of them like leeches?

Dick can't focus on that now. Questioning his life choices might have to wait until he's not that tied up.

Heh. Tied up.

Meanwhile Cecile has exploited the moment of nonplussed silence she's created to tighten her sleek ponytail.

Keeping the attention to herself. Every move is calculated to milliseconds.

"Okay, so here's how this is going to go" she begins, clasping her hands together, then motioning towards their hanging limbs. "Do you see those cool little bracelets on your hands?"

On cue, nine heads tilt upwards to test Cecile's statement. And there, right on his forearm Dick can spot a faint blue light shining dully on what seems to be the middle of a silver-like device.

"Those give us, the immense pleasure of electrocuting you whenever you folks might try to escape, or cause any unwanted trouble" she informs, with her mouth taut into a completely mechanical smile.

"Or.. you know. If we're just bored and feel like it"

"And this little screen right in front of you, it's pretty bland now, if you ask me"

She then starts pacing around in the segregated room, seeming to find great amusement in hearing how her heels click against the concrete.

"Well what if I told you the sight will get more entertaining?"

Dick doesn't like this.

"Before you ask, I will not spoil the experience for you. But I will give you this: you will be the stars of a grand performance. You in particular, circus boy should be thrilled by this fact"

He flinches when he mentions him in that way. It's then that his mind fully comprehend just how much she knows them.

It's not just some kidnapping, of those they've had many before. But it's never been like this. Never has a stranger gotten so close only to betray them for laughs.

Some could argue that it was a similar case when Jason had come back, but Jason had always had a motivation. A goal.

Cecile's doing this for nothing else than pleasure.

Before he can compose himself and reply her voice strikes again, this time in the form of a snarl. "So? Any volunteers?"

No, Dick doesn't like this at all.

"Leave them alone" Bruce demands, only it's not precisely Bruce anymore. Not only has his voice assumed the dark edge of the Knight, but his speech is completely neutral, apathetic. Somehow, his emotional state is even more prominent that way.

"It's me you want to get back to"

"Oh, no" Cecile frowns. "No, no Brucie. This is not about you. Hell, it's not even about them. It's about me. And I say it will be nicer to leave you for last."

She rests a finger on her chin contemplatively, but it's fake. It's all fake, and provocatively so. Cecile's head twists around so that her malicious glare lands on Damian.

"How about our little asshole over here?"

No. Not Damian. Never in a million years. Never in a billion years.

"If you value your life you'll stay away you imbecilic Jezebel" Damian hisses, but Cecile makes no motion to enter their space. Instead, the man in black leaves his post to disappear behind the door Cecile had previously entered from, most likely leading even further away.

"I do value my life"

He comes back with three more identically dressed men, one slightly leaner than the other, and one slightly taller.

"Plenty, for that" she says loftily, and while one of the men returns to his post by her side, the other two barge in through a barely visible door next to the right end of the glass.

There's an outrage as the men quickly advance towards the boy. Everything's blurry and spinning and his ears are ringing so that Dick can't quite figure out if he's shouting along with his brothers and sisters or if he's simply been trapped in a lucid dream all this time.

Voices and bangs and thuds and yells, it all gets lost in the end. So much thunderous noice, yet still it can he broken down to its core. Raw and frantic cries of dissent, repeated over and over in a canon, until the words and senses are but a blurred collage of ire and desolation.

Cecile whips a rectangular device from her suit's pocket and before her finger has enough time to hover above one of the polished buttons, the last is pressed and Damian's body is released from the pipeline.

The boy wastes no time, immediately lunging for the men, and despite any rust slowing down his joints because of their inactivity, he manages to hold off the two men looming over him with size thrice his own.

Dick wants to hold hope inside his heart, but he knows it's futile. He also knows Damian is aware that this fight was lost before it even began, but his baby brother isn't a quitter, nor a coward by his own standards.

If Cecile is startled by Damian's fierce resistance, she doesn't let it show. Her finger finds the device held loosely in her grasp, and a different button is pushed. Sparks that are birthed from the device on Damian's forearm begin to climb throughout his every inch of flesh, until he soon collapses to the ground -like lifeless weight.

The men drag him out of their view, and Dick swears he witnessed a smirk manifesting on their faces while they yelled with all their might, yet completely powerless.

***

It starts with low and hollow grunts. It starts with insults, it starts with defiance, it starts with barely discernible hisses.

Most importantly, it starts with no image.

Only screams. Separated by breathless gasps.

"Please, stop"

Dick's heart shrinks into his chest, sinking deep, deep down, until his lungs are under too much pressure to expand.

The screen flickers to life only after the first hollow screams have subsided.

It's.. not a good sight. Nobody expected it to be.

The room is small and dark, the camera feed is black and white and grainy, but that doesn't help in reducing the horror.

The image focuses enough for Dick to make out Cecile finishing stitching deep gashes on Damian's torso back together in the worst way possible.

Cecile retracts her hand hastily, like she's forgotten something. She lolls her head to the side, waving primly towards the camera.

"Stay tuned for a surprise" she whispers almost conspiratorially before turning to Damian, severing the thread with her own fingers, picking at flesh and stretching it out until he's bleeding again all over the gurney he's tied onto.

Damian struggles not to let her hear the sound she would find oh so hedonic. He grits his teeth and grinds his jaw, but groans emanate from him without his consent.

Cecile sets the sutures and her other tools on a filthy table standing miserably beside her.

"Your brother's such an ass" she declares almost smugly, while shifting in her place to face the camera

Without a warning she pokes a finger inside Damian's open wound, evoking a strangled yelp of agony. Soon enough Cecile's retracted her finger. She brings her hand up to her face. She makes a show of admiring the fresh blood coating it, before she tastes it.

She giggles nonchalantly, but there's that certain grace to everything she does.

"Don't worry. We're not done yet"

No. No, this can't happen. He can't let this go on any longer than it already has.

He has to take his place. He'll take his brother's place. Just, god. Just please listen..

"Take me instead!" Dick screams at the top of his lungs, and the dread climbing up his ribcage seeps into his voice. Bent in ways abnormal, tuning in with his despair.

"Do you hear me?!"

He's flailing around wildly and almost hysterically, his voice is getting hoarser by the second. Kicking and bumping the air, but the chains are relentless, so that he's supposed to sit idly by and watch while his little brother is being tortured.

All alone in a dark room.

The man standing tall and unmoving on the other side of the glass only smirks slightly.

"Leave Damian alone!" Dick roars at the screen, and roars at the man, but he knows it's pointless.

Cecile smiles once again to the direction of the camera as she elegantly walks away from Damian, leaving him alone strapped to the gurney -panting, sweat dripping down his forehead.

Damian's head follows the woman even as she disappears out of Dick's sight. The boy's face crumples. Breathless pleas escape his trembling lips, in swift exhales of air that hold no power.

"Please no"

She reemerges cradling an incandescent piece of metal. The sickening calmness on her face is doused in its fiery glow, and all Dick can utter as he goes deathly pale and still is a breathless "No"

Dick finally has enough contact with reality to register his brothers and sisters' own twisting and shouting. The sounds are earpiercing but all hollow to his ears, and Dick only does acknowledge their existence by sight of tears on enraged faces, jaws snapping open with enough force to dislocate, muscles toned and clenched uncomfortably, bodies bent and struggling, in futile attempts to raise enough force and reach the glass to perhaps create a distraction.

Dick can't figure out the faces from his peripheral vision, nor does he care enough to try.

"No."

His eyes are stubbornly fixed on Damian's own, shining wide with terror as the metal illuminates his skin more and more clearly on the screen. On Damian, desperately tugging against the straps keeping him bound to the gurney to no avail, struggling to be freed before the red-hot iron burns the exposed skin of his chest.

"No.. please no" Damian mumbles, and he looks so small. Smaller than a child his age should look. More frightened than a child his age should be.

Dick had promised -to him and to himself- that he'd always be there for his little brother.

He watches helplessly as the metal sizzles the first layer of flesh. He watches as his little brother writhes and squirmes helplessly under the red-hot iron melting into his skin, and he realizes he can't keep his promise.

No, no, no, no, no

Damian is screaming with all his soul and all Cecile does is laugh. Cecile is laughing, and Damian is being tortured because Dick couldn't keep his promise.

He failed him.

"Take me!"

Please no. Not Dami.

Every inch and acre of Dick's skin feels set aflame, but the pain is nothing but the child of wildfire blazing and burning in his chest. Its smoke has filled his eyes with tears burning like acid.

Failed him.

In his ears buzz cracking woods and falling towers. Not his brother's screams and pleas for mercy, not the echoes of laughter, not the thundering cries of their family.

Failed.

And because of his failure his little robin is expected to endure agonizing pain, as also the wounds inflicted on him are what make Dick's failure not only discernible but grievous.

Failure equals repercussions.

Failure equals punishment.

Perhaps it's irrational, and perhaps he's lost his mind long, long ago. Perhaps this is all a nightmare that he can't wake up from, but Dick's senses don't deceive him.

His every cell is howling in despair but yelling and praying are not enough to relieve them of their pain. Flowers buried deep in ice, frantically searching for sunlight- too frantically to know that they're dead.

Dick failed him. Dick should have been the one punished for this failure.

Only moments have passed but the agony grabs them and twists them, draws them out until seconds can't be told apart by eons.

Dick's eyes are fixed on the form spasming on the screen, but those eyes are empty and hollow.

Their azure blue has evaporated, their glossy white has been burnt to the ground. Obsidian vortexes shining with the life they've stolen from his soul in the half light, is all that is left of them.

Damian's voice is rough from the perpetual screaming, but Dick can hear no more.

So he prays to whatever deity listens that Cecile is reached by his own cries tearing through his throat with fading intensity. Perhaps so loudly the air is grazing his vocal cords more harshly than it should.

Perhaps so loudly he is already silent.

But Dick won't mind it even if they fail to produce a sound ever after these, as long as his flesh is torn and burnt instead of Dami's.

The flesh being torn and burnt is his, in a way, but not in any way that matters.

The iron is removed and Damian's face slowly appears behind the sparse smoke of his own smoldering skin.

***

Cecile reappears behind the glass, walking ever so elegantly towards the barrier separating her from them. She peers at each and every one of them in amusement, deaf to te insults so full of hatred being hurled at her from every corner.

She smiles at the teary paths staining Cass and Barbara's cheeks,

"You fucking-"

"-embodiment of evil and-"

"go-"

She laughs at the veins popping on Duke, Jason and Stephanie's necks as they shout their lungs out, feebly attempting to stop the world from sinking,

"I'm gonna fucking kill you"

"Jay calm down-"

"You repulsive.. abomination-"

"-to hell-"

She gracefully snickers at Tim and Bruce's state of dishevelled resignation, a progression of the rage and agony to the point where they're no more prominent than their breathing,

"You hear me? You're going to burn-"

"Don't you dare tell me to calm the fuck down, replacement"

"-in hell"

"He's right Jason, this doesn't help Dam-"

"you'll wish you were dead before I get my hands on you"

But she stops in her track when her piercing hazel eyes land on Dick. So visibly worn out, yet determinedly burning holes through her with his glare.

She stops, and can only regard him in newfound interest.

Dick doesn't shift in his place. Doesn't bat an eye as he speaks with the power of a thousand thunderstorms enhancing the calmness in his voice.

He's made up his mind.

It's his failure.

His decision.

"You'll stop" he says, almost nonchalantly.

Cecile cocks an eyebrow, scoffing.

"Excuse me?"

"You'll bring Damian back here with us. And you'll stop."

Cecile smirks ever so slightly. "I'm afraid I'm not quite done with your brother yet. Besides, why would I do that?"

"Because you will" Dick growls, but soon enough he masks his outburst beneath a carefully tailored poker face.

Something unreadable passes across the woman's face. Dick assumes she's caught up to his thinking. Of course she has.

"Well, you wound me!" Cecile exaggerates, clasping a hand to her chest. Overacting the entire thing, on purpose no less. She's proven to be too much of a hypocrite for Dick to know she's only acting terribly on purpose.

His stomach is urging him once more to let its contents out, only this time he's not sure it's just a lingering side effect of the drug.

"Although, while wounded, you can consider me intrigued."

Dick swallows thickly. He hopes Cecile doesn't hear him gulp as loudly as he sounds to his own ears.

"You'll stop. Leave Damian alone" he says and although his heart is beating a hundred times faster than it should, his stare is unyielding.

"And you'll take me instead"

Cecile eyes him half incredulously, half entertained, for moments that feels like an eternity. Dick is convinced his soul has already left his body, and the woman is simply left staring blankly at his hanging corpse.

She's still staring vacantly at his direction, with no indication of the fact changing.

But then she chuckles.

She chuckles, and soon snickers are finding their way up her throat one after the other, until her shoulders are shaking with laughter.

Yet the laughs escaping her are perfectly normal. Perfectly contained, just the average sound that could be prompted by an oddly funny joke. A joke so ridiculous it fulfills its purpose.

Perhaps that's the most terrifying part. How human it is.

And Dick is showered in cold sweat when he repeats himself, voice sounding just a little more tight and frantic than need be, but Cecile pays him no mind, laughing silently on her own.

Cecile -most likely pointedly- ignores his protests, which are growing more and more despondent as he's fumbling for words, caught somewhere in the crevasse dividing dread and ire.

"Do whatever you want to do to me! Just-"

He's just a child. Just an innocent child.

"-just leave Damian alone. And take me." Dick says.

An innocent boy caught in the crossfire of a war he never swore to fight, but was instead compelled to win.

His brother caught in the crossfire. His Dami.

His fault.

Dick's stuck in a loop. It doesn't end, it never does. Once it's starts there's no end to look forward to, there's merely one he can imagine, and they won't let him follow it.

All air leaves his lungs. Everything seems so peaceful when the flames tingling his heart have no more smoke to give.

"Take me."

His fault. His responsibility.

"Dick, no," Bruce pleads from behind him. Only then is it that he realizes the rest of them have grown silent, all eyes on him, reflecting the light nearly pensively.

Only then is it that he realizes he's been toeing the line of hysteria. That he doesn't know how to stop.

"B, I have to. I can't let Damia-"

"And I can't let any of you!" Bruce snaps. Dick is taken aback, only not due to the sonorous anger redirected towards him. Rather by the tears he can see glistening all over his father's irises.

Tears.

Shining all across his father's eyes.

Under the enemy's scrutinus gaze, and still he let the sorrow swim all the way up to the surface.

Cecile has stopped laughing. Openly at least, as her palm is covering her mouth in a futile attempt to stifle the giggles, perhaps not wanting to disturb the show. The bright smile lighting her eyes betrays her nonetheless.

"You're my son, Dick. I can't let you do this. I can't let another of my children do this" Bruce concludes, never ending eye contact.

Never trying to deny the tears.

All Dick wants is to give in to the pain of his own, and let Bruce wipe at his eyes and tell him it's all going to be alright, just when he was little.

But he isn't little anymore, is he?

Is he?

Is he strong enough?

No. Not a question. He has to. He has to be-

"I was dead, I should go in next. There's nothing she can do to me that I haven't already gone through" his brother's voice cuts in, disrupting the debate that's been won in his mind, long before it even started.

"Half of us have died, Jason" Stephanie counters. "I don't mind going myself"

"You're not going Steph"

"I'll go then"

"The hell you are, replacement. You didn't make the cut for our club the first time, you'll not make it now.

"Are we seriously having this conversation right now?"

Cass clears her throat to get their attention.

"Me" she offers, and immediately after she's met with loud protests.

Dick watches as the others continue to fight between them, arguing on who should trade places with Damian. They can't understand that he has to do it. He doesn't expect them to. So when Cecile laughs and asks who's it going to be?, his decision is adamant.

"Like I said. It will be me" Dick insists.

He's not little anymore.

"No." Bruce says sternly. "No, you won't go. Do you hear me?"

He is strong enough. He has to be, so he's going to be.

Dick hears him, although elects to ignore him, staring proudly ahead, at the two men walking inside to retrieve him.

Bruce then is yelling, and the others protest, some are still fighting over which one of them should take Damian's place but it's already too late. The cuffs clink open and the two men go to stand by either of Dick's side as soon as his feet touch the ground.

Dick doesn't fight them. He doesn't mind being pushed around with his arms pressed behind his back so tightly his already sore muscles hurt as his arms are straining to bend backwards despite his flexibility. He doesn't mind, because he's doing it for his brother.

As long as his brother's safely reunited with the others, it doesn't matter whatever they might do to him.

Dick sends one last look to his family, and another full of a different kind of love directed right at Babs. He hopes his eyes delivers the thousand messages he doesn't have the time to relay with phrases.

The room is left in hush when the door slides closed behind him.

As far as looks go, Dick's were farewells.

As soon as Dick's dragged into the small room whose horrid purpose he's seen on camera, he spots Damian sitting upright against a corner, with a gun pressed to his temple.

Dick's shoulders stiffen and a breath catches on his throat. Still, it's all going to be alright. It's all going to be okay. Damian's going to be okay.

"I'd advise you not to try anything smart, or-"

"I won't" Dick interrupts sharply.

Cecile stands to the side and gestures towards a skeletal armchair with untied restraining straps. Dick shudders at the thought of how many people have suffered on this same chair, and his stomach fills with dread as the knowledge that he's next settles in.

"Grayson wh-"

"It's okay Dames" Dick says softly, scrambling to regain his composure as he's forced onto the blood stained metal by the men.

He winces when they securely latch the straps around his wrists and ankles, so tightly the leather is pressing into his skin, disrupting blood circulation.

Damian looks hurt and afraid, so Dick does his best swallow his own accelerating fear and suppress the shivers running down his spine, triggered by the icy feeling of metal on his skin.

"Everything is going to be okay"

Dick locks eyes with him and plasters something that feels like the poor excuse of a smile on his face, but he knows it must appear somewhat comforting to his little brother.

Masking his unraveling self beneath a charming smile and a lighthearted joke has always been his gift and curse.

Cecile clasps her hands together impatiently and nods towards the man holding the gun. He hastily shoves Damian into the arms of the leanest of the men, while his extended arm is turned around to point at Dick's head instead.

Damian yelps and as his arms are restrained behind his back, the hideous burn on his exposed chest comes into Dick's full view.

Dick's breath hitches despite himself and.. and..

It's...

The ghastly tendrils of burnt skin spreading across his little Robin's chest that spell out the word brat…

Dick could never describe the utter despair and pain and sorrow and ire and helplessness he feels, yet he doesn't have the time to stare right through the monstrosity etched onto his little brother's flesh as suddenly his chin is being pushed uncomfortably upwards by the barrel of the gun being pressed firmly against the soft skin right above his neck.

As Dick gulps, his Adam's apple bobs almost visibly on his inconveniently prolonged neck. The underlying dizziness finds the perfect opportunity to strike him again as his head slightly lolls backwards.

He no longer sees Damian, but amidst the sounds of his heartbeat echoing from inside the veins and taut muscles in his neck, a small and strangled Richard finds its way to his ears.

"I'm fine" Dick assures, even though he's nothing but. "I'll be fine. Love you, lil bro"

The absence of an answer doesn't concern him as much as that of shuffling or any indication that Damian is guided out of the room.

That is, until a delicate stray sniffle rips his heart apart.

If he could glance at his little Dami, he'd be able to see his reflection fall from his watering eyes in teardrops that he can no longer contain.

Dick can imagine the silently crying face, and so he shuts his eyes closed harshly, trapping inside all the pain and anguish lest it makes way to the surface

With a wavering voice he demands:

"Now let Damian go"

When he reopens his eyes with a breathy gasp he's all alone, bound to the metal skeleton of the chair.

Relief floods his heart.

If any more blood is to be spilt, it shall be his.

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catu-munchkin · 7 years

Text

GotG Imagine #399... Meeting Rocket at Knowhere.

Yurio’s note!: OMG! I’m sorry for being so inactive, things at the studio have been crazy for the last few weeks! But I’ll do my best to post a new fic every monday!! I have a lot of them unfinished back on my Word app! :D Anyways, I hope you enjoy it!! and once again, it’s a long shot, because I don’t know how to write a short plot! Gift took from around here on tumblr! : )

A/n: You are a young woman from Terra. Just like Peter, you were raised by another Ravager's group and eventually you left them to work solo. You wear a helmet, like Peter’s, but it is just half helmet because it covers your mouth and nose, and you wear it most of the time.

Imagine meeting Rocket at a bar in Knowhere…

You were on a business trip in Knowhere to deliver some stuff you collected a few days ago. Since you were there, near by the usual bar you visit, you decided to get in to buy a bottle of tequila, the good one.

You get inside the place and walked towards the main bar table, and made your best effort the pass through the crowd. When you finally got there you opened a space between the people there. You called the pinkish bartender and ask him for a bottle of tequila. Because it was rare to find someone that could actually read your language you needed to give some specifications about how was the bottle you were looking for, so you told the bartender it was a blue large and thin bottle of tequila. He nodded and told you to wait for him.

When you were waiting for your special bottle, you looked around and saw that the so called Guardians of the Galaxy were there too. They seemed to having a great time. You didn’t know them in person, they were strangers to each other, but you do know about them. You were a collector, yes, but also you were a collector of information, valuable and precious information, so you knew a few things about all of them.

It was the first time you saw them though, and the raccoon, you believed, it was Rocket.

‘Hmm… He looks better it person…’ You thought to yourself and smiled.

Finally your wait came to an end when the bartender came back with your precious blue bottle of tequila. You took the bottle and paid the well worth 12,000 units and thanked the bartender happily.

When you turned back to get out the place, a huge guy next you hit your side making you drop your precious blue bottle. Suddenly, before you could answer the aggression you saw Rocket punching the man's face so hard that he made him fall on the ground.

Rocket stood next to the colossal guy, twitched his furry hears and spat at him.

You blinked twice, trying to process all what was just happened. Then without a warning the huge man tried to grab Rocket from behind, but just before he could reach him you took your electric blaster from your right thigh and shot at him. It knock him out.

Rocket turned back to see you stood there, aiming your blaster at the guy on the floor.

It was the very first time Rocket felt amazed by someone that wasn’t himself. You were a young woman, with (long and color) hair, wearing a ravagers' black long jacket, and with a very nice blaster on your hand, also wearing a mask that covered part of your face, just letting visible your (e/c) eyes. That was what caught his attention, your eyes.

Quickly, Rocket came out of his thoughts and snarled at you.

“I didn’t ask for your help, lady!!” He yelled.

“I know you didn’t, pal! But that little bastard just made drop MY bottle of tequila!!” You yelled back pointing at the guy on the floor.

Rocket huffed and looked away, but he couldn’t help but notice that your voice sounded strange, since you were wearing your mask, your voice didn’t sound like normal. Suddenly your short argue was interrupted by, you knew who he was, Star Lord.

“Wait!! Are you a ravager??!!” Peter asked with a bit of excitement on his voice.

“What?” You replied as you put your blaster back in its place. “Oh- No, I'm not, not anymore. These are just old clothes, but I used to work with Stakar.” You answered shrugging and looking down at you now broken bottle.

“With Stakar??!!” Peter yelled I’m response.

“Yeah, you could say- he’s the father I never had.” You commented.

Peter expressions became serious and looked down at Rocket.

“Don’t you see?!” Peter yelled at Rocket.

“See- what?? Star munch!” Rocket replied.

“Say thank you to the lady!!” Peter said extending one of his hands towards you.

Rocket looked up at your face to meet his eyes with yours. You couldn’t believe it, but you felt how a bit embarrassed by his eyes and you felt like you were blushing, so you were glad that you were wearing your mask. Just a few seconds passed and Rocket finally spoke.

“Do ya' wear that mask all the time?” Rocket asked with an impolite tone.

“Rocket!” Peter yelled.

“What?!” Rocket replied.

Gamora let out a frustrated sigh and approached to you.

“I'm sorry, our friend is a bit dishonorable…” Gamora commented and you just smiled and shrugged.

“Don’t worry- “ You made a short pause and continued. “It’s fine.”

“That broken bottle on the floor… was yours?” Gamora asked with concern.

“Yeah- It was.” You replied.

You looked at the ground again and saw your dear blue bottle next to the guy on the floor, you let out a long sigh and began to walk towards the exit, but before you could make another step you were stopped by voice that made you shiver.

“Hey! Can I buy you a drink? Since it was part my fault your drink is broken...” Rocket said standing over the guy still on the floor. He wasn’t dead though, but he would be there for a while.

Your eyes widened and blinked twice.

“Sure!” You nodded and walked towards Rocket.

You took a seat between Rocket and Peter, then there was Gamora and Drax.

“Ask for any drink ya' want.” Rocket said as he hopped on the bar stool.

You smiled at him and asks to the bartender for anything with a large amount of strong alcohol. This caught Rocket’s attention, he have never met a woman that would drink anything that strong, actually he had never buy a drink to anyone.

“So… you are like Stakar's daughter?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, you could say so.” You answered.

“Woow.” All of sudden Peter cleared his throat and made a serious voice. “I’m Star Lord, the ‘like’ son of-“

“Yondu” You finished the sentence and Peter looked at you with surprise. “Yeah, I know.”

“H- how do you know that??” Peter asked.

“Well, there are a lot of rumors among the Ravagers, so I guess some of them are true.” You shrugged and smiled.

Finally the bartender came back with your especial drink. It was a tall and thin glass with a blue liquid.

“Uuff! I really need it” You said to yourself as you moved your left hand behind your ear. Rocket noticed this so he looked at you carefully, you pressed the button to remove your mask. It practically worked just like Peter's helmet. Then your full face was revealed and Rocket was mesmerized by your face, if at the beginning what caught his attention was your eyes, now he was lost in your features.

He tried his best to came back from his thoughts and finally asked.

“Ya’ know, ya' haven’t said your name, lady.” He commented and you blushed a bit.

“Oh, sorry…” You cleared your throat and introduce yourself. “My name is Y/n, and I'm a collector.” You said smiling. Rocket saw your smile for first time and he heard your real voice and he just couldn’t handle it, his tail began to move slowly, meaning that was getting nervous.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you. Y/n the collector.” Drax said. “I am-“

“Drax the destroyer.” You completed the sentence again. “Come on guys, you are the Guardians of the Galaxy, anyone that is anyone knows about you.” You commented laughing slightly.

“I’m Groot!!” Baby tiny Groot said coming out from behind Gamora's shoulder.

“Awwww, of course I know about you too!! Nice to meet you, Groot.” You said smiling and shaking his tiny hand.

“Wait- Can you understand what he's saying??” Rocket asked when he realized that your answer made sense with what Groot had just said.

“Yeah… sorta- I think” you said with a light tone of shyness on your voice.

“Awesome…” Rocket mumbled and looked away.

The rest of the night was actually very fun to you, you couldn’t remember the last time you had a real and interesting conversation with someone and at some point you ended up talking just with Rocket and Groot.

When you finished your drink you put on your mask again, so it materialized covering your mouth and nose. At this point Rocket dropped his furry ears a bit, because he wouldn’t see your smile again, so he finally decided to ask.

“Do you wear that all the time??”

“Hmm… Yeah” You replied with a sad tone.

“Why?” Rocket asked again, which made feel a bit uncomfortable, but just a bit. You couldn’t actually remember the last time someone asked you this personal.

“Because…” You made a short pause before answer. “I have a very rare disease…” You said letting out a long sigh.

“A disease?” Rocket replied with concern, because for first time in a long time, he was feeling worried about someone that wasn’t himself, or Groot.

You nodded. “My lungs have to keep the air inside them, and to let me breathe. So if I do a lot of effort or I get really stressed, my lungs can’t get air. So I wear this mask because it has medicine I need to keep inhaling. Even back there at Terra is a very rare disease.” You said looking at your empty glass and playing with it.

When you finished your explanation, you couldn’t believe that you just told all this to Rocket in a so cool way, you don’t give this kind of information to anyone, but there was something on Rocket that made feel that you can trust him blindly.

Rocket remained in since for a bit. “Wait- you are from Terra too?”

“Yes.” You said smiling and looking back at Rocket.

“What a coincidence, Quill was kidnapped from Terra too.” Rocket commented.

“Yeah, I know that too.” You said.

“Apparently you know a lot of things, uh?” Rocket said looking at you carefully.

You laugh nervously at this and replied. “Yeah.”

Rocket couldn’t believe it, but somehow he felt like he were having a crush on you, with just a few hours after meeting you.

Both of you remain in silence for a few seconds. You looked at Rocket and smiled. Something deep inside you didn’t want to leave, but you really had to go. Then you let out a sigh and stood up from your seat.

“Well, thanks for the drink-“ You made a short pause. “Rocket.” You said his name in the most gentle way through your mask.

“Ya’ are leaving already?” Rocket said dropping his ears.

“I am Groot?” Baby Groot asked.

“Yes, I'm afraid so. I have some business to take care back on Xandar.” You said looking at Rocket and Groot.

“Ya’ are going to Xandar? Wow! What a coincidence! We are going to Xandar too!” Rocket said looking back at Peter, so you did the same.

“Right, Quill?” Rocket said winking his eye, and for the first time, he wink the correct eye.

Peter understood the message very quickly and nodded, then he said.

“If you want, Y/n, we can take you there.” Peter said smiling.

“Oh no, don’t worry. I have my own ship.” You said as you watched how baby Groot climbed your arm and reached your shoulder.

“I am Groot?” He said looking down at Rocket.

“Ya’ what?” Rocket asked back at Groot. And for some reason, this time you couldn’t understood what he said.

“Wait, what did he say? I didn’t get that.” You asked looking down at Rocket.

“He said that since you are going to Xandar too, he wants to go with you on your ship.” Rocket cleared.

You smiled at Groot, but you weren’t so sure about this idea, but that could give some more time to talk with Rocket. In the other hand Rocket thought about it for a second.

“If you want we can establish an open channel between our ships, so you can see how is Groot going with me.” You proposed and Groot support your idea.

“Fine. Ya' win.” Rocket said rolling his eyes at Groot.

Rocket walked with you back to your ship. It was a pretty ship, smaller than the Milano, but nice. When you opened the main panel to get in, Rocket couldn’t help but look inside, but suddenly, when you made the first step inside you slipped over the glass and before you could hit it Rocket held you grabbing you by your arm.

In that moment both of you looked into the eyes of each other and time seemed to stop, like if the whole Galaxy had just paralyzed. You blinked in almost slow motion and Rocket’s eyes widened as he got lost in you (c/e) deep eyes. You looked into his red brown eyes and he looked into your (e/c) eyes. You felt how your heart was racing and your face was getting redish, but luckily, Rocket couldn’t see that.

“I am Groot?” Groot broke the silence and brought both of you back to reality.

“Ya’ alright there?” Rocket asked helping you to get in on your ship.

“”Yeah- I’m fine. Thanks.” You answer and then removed you mask to take a deep breathe.

“Well… Uhmm- give ten minutes and we'll make the communication thing.” Rocket said as he ran away back to the Milano, but suddenly he stopped in his tracks.

“That’s the Milano, by the way. The one with blue and yellow.” Rocket said pointing at the Milano.

“Okay, got it.” You said smiling and form a few seconds, Rocket froze when he saw your full face. Then, somehow he came back and rushed back to the Milano without anything else.

Rocket made you wait a bit more than ten minutes, but you were giving to Groot a tour around your little ship, so it helped to make the time passed faster.

When you finally set the communication with the Milano you were on your pilot seat and Groot was on your lap, behind the seat belt.

“Because safety first.” You said to Rocket as you switch on the main panel for communication with image.

Back on the Milano, Peter was on the copilot seat and Gamora was behind him, he waved his hand at Gamora making an signal that meant ‘come closer’, so Gamora did.

“Is it just me, or Rocket actually liked this girl??” Peter said in a whisper while he looked at Rocket talking to you.

Gamora smiled slightly and shook her head, suddenly Drax said.

“I think the rodent has feeling for the terrain girl…” He commented in a not silent voice.

“Dude!!” Rocket complained as he looked back at Drax and pointed to the image panel.

“Oh, I mean, he does not have feeling for the girl from Terra.” He corrected looking away.

“What did he say?” You asked from your side on your ship.

“Nothing! It was nothing…” Rocket replied to you and then looked back at Drax and snarled at him.

The rest of the way back to Xandar was actually pretty calm, both of you set the autopilot and spend the whole night time talking to each other.

At some point Groot began to fall asleep so you asked to Rocket to give you a few minutes, so you could take Groot to your room.

“Just be careful, when he sleeps some branches grow out of him.” Rocket old you before you go.

“Okay, I will.” you said as you stood up and left to your room. When Rocket saw you left the flight deck he looked away in the space and let out a long sigh. Then without a warning Peter stood right next to him.

“Well,well… isn’t she pretty??” Peter said almost in a whisper next to Rocket furry ears.

“Yeah…” Rocket answered almost hypnotized.

”W- what?! Noo!! Quill!!!” Rocket quickly corrected but before he could punche Peter, he ran away from the flight deck, which made Rocket huff.

When you came back, Rocket and you continued your talk. It really amazed you how easily was to talk to him, despite both of you just met some hours earlier.

Both of you talked about their likes and dislikes, and at some point you both played the twenty questions game.

Rocket, on the other hand, was so surprised, because it was the first time he had talk with someone this way, beside of Groot, of course.

Both ships landed on Xandar and the Guardians of the Galaxy, you and Groot meet outside their ships.

“Did he give so much trouble?” Gamora asked to you gently as she took baby Groot.

“No, he spend most of the trip back sleeping.” You said smiling and waved your hand. By this time, you were wearing your mask again.

“Well, I think we see you later, Y/n.” Peter said as he extended his hand to you.

“Of course.” You replied shaking Peter’s hand.

“And anytime you need some help from the Guardians of the Galaxy, just call us.” Peter said smiling.

“Thanks! So, can I have a discount when I hire your services?” You commented laughing.

“Well, good bye, guys!!” You said waving at them, and then giving a glimpse on Rocket as you began to walk in the opposite direction.

Suddenly, once again, a voice that was now so familiar to you made you stop on your tracks, when you looked back you saw Rocket walking towards you.

“Hey… well, I never said ‘thank you’ for what you did back there at Knowhere…” Rocket said as he looked inside his right pocket and took out a little blue bottle, and for your surprise it was a little bottle of the tequila you bought and broke.

“So… Thank you, Y/n.” Rocket said shyly as he extender his paw/hand holding the little bottle.

You held the little bottle too and accidentally touching his hand, then with your free hand you pressed the button to dematerialize your mask, letting visible your blushed face. Then you took the little blue bottle with both hands and lowered yourself, as you moved one of your hands to Rocket’s furry face lifting it a bit to finally kiss his furry cheek.

“You are welcome, Rocket…” You said whispering and smiling at Rocket.

You stood and letting out a sigh you pressed the button again and your mask materialized back again. You began to walk away, then you stopped to look back at Rocket and waved at him shyly.

Rocket, on the other hand stood there froze and blinking a few times, as he waved back at you slowly, and when you got lost in the crowd he put his paw/hand over the cheek you just kissed.

“I have to see her again…” Rocket asid mumbling and whispering to himself.

“What a lovely gal…” Peter said crouched next to Rocket.

“I know…” Rocket replied, and once again, before he could catch Peter, he ran away hiding behind Gamora.

“COME HERE, QUILL!!!!” Rocket yelled at his hummie friend.

Fin.

#rocket raccoon #rocket raccoon x reader #gotg #gotg imagine #fanfic #fanfic gotg #Guardians of the Galaxy #dont judge me

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idoljiminie · 6 years

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Tagged!

Tagged by @hideyoshiete!! Thank you, Alyssa!!! ^.^

Name: Alyssa Nickname: Lys by friends, Lissy by family. Height: About 168.5cm! (Which is about 5′6.5″ from what I recall when I last looked it up?) Sexuality: (basically/pretty much) Straight Gender: Female Hogwarts house: Hufflepuff Dream trip: Other parts of Australia, being Tasmania, Western Australia, and Uluru in particular. Average hours of sleep: About 6-7 (I go to sleep at a terribly late time and wake up at around midday though, so it’s not the most healthy 6-7 hours.) Why I made a Tumblr: I wanted the anime content and tumblr had it. Dog or cat person: Cat! I like both, but I slightly prefer cat. (There’s one in my suburb I befriended a few days ago and it followed me for a bit while I walked and it also lay down and let me pat it). Languages you know in order of fluency: English, basic Italian (I can get the gist when reading and sometimes listening, and although in theory I could probably have a basic conversation, I’d have to go very slowly and it’d be full of mistakes, so I’ve never had the confidence to speak in practice). When I made my blog: July 2013 (4 years dear lord) Follower count: 1080 Following count: 1545 (I think at least half of these are inactive dang I gotta go through this one day) Reason for my URL: It’s a combination of Hide and Kaneki’s names (well, Hide’s full first name plus the -neki that everyone adds on to the different Kanekis like for Kuroneki, Shironeki etc). My url before this was hideyoshirabbit, which was entirely Hide related, and I changed it to this one so I could have some of Kaneki in the name too. (So yes, my url is entirely Hide + Hide//kane inspired).

Don’t feel like tagging many so I’m just tagging @charliedaydreamer, @underthesamestar and @sunchildomine. Zero need to do this if you don’t wanna/don’t feel like it.

#tagged

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vrepitsorrynotsorry · 4 years

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Rambling into the Void

Where have the Read Mores gone on mobile?

>:(

So, anyway, later tonight when I have more time, I’m going to post what there is of “Physician Heal Thyself” to AO3 because why not?

It’s not going to be updated with any regularity (like now), but it will be more permanently available and easier to find. (Yay?)

I’m debating posting some of my older FF.net stuff there, too. I’m not taking anything off FF.net, they’d still be there also, but AO3 is by design more permanent. Does that make sense? It’s not a grab for more views or anything, it’s just I’ve found AO3 bookmarks for my FF stuff and it feels like they had to put in so much more effort, and FF has purged things before. All my stuff there is very tame (especially compared to some of my AO3 stuff), but I worry they may decide to get rid of “inactive accounts” that haven’t posted in a long time. AO3 makes editing much easier, too.

I dunno. Thoughts?

(Dear lord, tumblr mobile, what is up with the spacing, now?)

#ramblings #can i get some input #trials of a longstanding fanfic writer #PHT AU

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lordgeales · 7 years

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One entire year at Tumblr :D

DEAL WITH IT

An entire year at Tumblr running a rp blog for a vampire that we now know.. A tiny bit about. Instead of just a whole lot of nothing. When I think about it, I don’t think that much has changed, but looking back... It has. Back when I started up, I honestly had no idea how the customs of tumblr RPs worked. I didn’t know about rules, formatting posts, icons... Honestly NOTHING at all. I’m still amazed that no one yelled at me.

I think I caught on pretty quickly tho, four months later, I made this blog. Changing from a sideblog, to a main. And boy, that changed a lot. With that came the new icons(why did I decide to go all out with them... Whhyyy), promos, rules, a design(that is very old holy-), and everything a RP’er should have. At least according to tumblr.

Although I have to say that I still felt a bit alone being on tumblr. I never really got to speak to people OOC, and the ones I reached out to.. Oboi (((: Let’s forget about that. It gradually became better. In May I met what I’d call my first “tumblr friend”. Who unfortunately isn’t very active RP-wise anymore.

December was wild compared to the rest of my time. Starting with a meme that led to me getting to talk with Lily(@elyon-kurae), not to mention the dear Vero(@monophagia) joining in on the RP :D! That has led to yet another chain event, and I’m very much involved in the RP community now. I think I finally understand what it’s all about.

And although I’ve been through a lot, weeks of inactivity, spikes of activity and shitposting, tons of asks, lack of asks.. Hm, well, we’re still here. I still have the pleasure of talking to most of the people I did back in the days, and a lot of new to call friends.

The people I’ve been interacting with through the time under the cut. Read at own risk it’s very... Long.

People listed in the correct order they appeared at my blog c;

@lestkarrkingofeurope: Starting out with a strange RP on a drawing I won(reblogged just before this post~). I have no idea what we were doing, but it was a lot of fun! Also the reason I even stumbled into this community to begin with. Lately I’ve had the pleasure of being... blessed a lot. Save me from my sins, oh holy tsunami.

@forgottenprogenitor: I think you came along with Lest, with your former muse, Akane. I adored that RP, giving me a chance to show some of Urds more gentle sides. Akihiko was the absolute breakthrough though, I adore him. I love our interactions, and look forwards to yet another year!

@tatsu-rose-bathory: YOU CAME WITH A FLOWECROWN! I remember that much :D! It took a few weeks before we eventually interacted, but I was pretty much in love with Tatsu from the start(still very much am). I really enjoy reading about her, not to mention their occasional small talk they do nowadays. It’s so nice having someone around that Urd actually looks at with gentle eyes ;-;

@makotonarumi/@dusksovereign: Unfortunately no longer active, but just for the sake of people reading it - Holy fUCK?! When you first reached out to me I was soooo confused. Still am. You are/were an amazing writer, and honestly I felt so bad whenever I wrote replies, because.. Ah, I didn’t feel worthy at all. You were extremely nice to me, however, sending me all kinds of anon-love, tagging me in memes... Ahh. Thank you so much. I don’t think you know how much it meant to me. Just. Thank you. And I’m sorry for being such a slob with the replies.

@ferid-trash-bathory/@shusaku: Turns out you’ve been around forever. Through it all. Wow. Sometimes I do wonder just how bad of an impression i left back then *lol*. Ah, I remember us talking every now and then, it’s just lately I’ve come to know you for “real”. I really like your portrayal of “Fred”, not to mention Shusaku.... Who I might have been a bit mean to back then.... *coughs* Aha, but I’ve been sure that you were nice for a very long time. Still very happy that I reached out to you about the Egypt AU. Although Vero was dying in the background. Best meme lord. Also someone I can always trust to help Urd get revenge on Saito. Gotta get back at that ass amirite.

@mrsaitou: “My first real Tumblr friend” ahh. I really miss having you around. We talked a lot about... I don’t even know. But we talked a lot. I can’t even remember if it started in May, where the first meme with you were tagged, or if we started talking later on. I think I have your personal somewhere... Might dig that out sometimes soon to hear what you’re up to.

krultepxs: Deactivated, unfortunately... A Krul I had tons of fun with, planning all kind of strange stuff. Urd keeping Krul a prisoner after her treason in the Kremlin. An AU where they had to marry. Unfortunately we never got to RP, or plan that much due to me going hiatus for a few weeks.

@lvstforblood: OKAY WE BONDED OVER A MEME... And then never talked again. Rip. But if you ever feel like rp’ing, you know where to find me. Winks at.

@asurayuucentral/@perfectasura: I can’t even remember when you started coming around tbh, but we haven’t interacted that much. Still I feel like you’re kinda my friend, and I love to see your little likes and crack reblogs ;-;! Also I’d love to rp with you some more whenever!

@erisblonde: Wonder if you’re still around and into the fandom? We’ve theorized a lot about Urd ahh... Unfortunately it kinda died out - probably due to me going inactive. I tend to do that a lot, huh... Just know, that if you feel like talking theories, hit me up. Anytime. Anyday.

@riddlemehiss/@dil-a-to-ry: WOOP! MY FAVORITE CAT! Okay I was kinda skeptic when The Cheshire cat waltzed into my askbox. But surprisingly I really enjoy his interactions with Urd. You play him amazingly, like holy shit. I’ve enjoyed every single second. Also you’re a really nice person, I think I still see you around every now and then, although Cheshire is on Hiatus. But if you ever feel like reviving him... You can count on Urd to be confused by his lack of respect for gravity :P!

@masterofzawarudo: Can I just say that I love everything about Dio. Although Urd doesn’t. In fact he’s probably annoyed by every single fiber of his being. Sorry for not reaching out to you more often, you’re seriously awesome. Although I find it kinda hard to connect on the strength-level, since our muses come from such different verses. BUT AS LONG AS THEY DON’T FIGHT I’M UP FOR ANYTHING. COME FIGHT ME! YA! wait, don’t do that. Fuck. Also I don’t follow you because I don’t watch Jojo, and you post so much stuff about that rip, still love your blog tho

@kruliisms: Hmmm... Here’s where I’m in doubt. I never wrote it down anywhere, but are you perhaps Krultepxs? Ah, I don’t know. What I know for sure, is that we never really got back to RP’ing, and that you’ve gone inactive yet again. But just to let you know, if you ever feel like doing something with Urd - you’re more than welcome to hit me up :)!

@krullish: Hmm... I think we planned something a while back, but never got around to do it? But anyway, if you feel like RPing with the... shitty russian vampire lord, well... Here I am. Still around c;!

@repulsc: EEEYYYYYYY CASCADA AND LATE NIGHT SHIT POSTING! That my jam. Also chain kinks. I did not say that. I don’t think we’ve ever done anything aside from shitposting and endless icon threads of stare-battles. Always up for more. Or smth serious, whatever you feel like. Winks very hard at.

@brassboundvalkyrie: I think I first noticed you for real when you commented on a picture of me(the mun), however I never really got around to talk to you. Unfortunately our muses are not very compatible orz! BUT HEY! Suddenly you were there, yelling to me about Vero, and whelp... I accidentally joined. Whops. You’re a real nice person, and I looove your Horn. Hope she’ll find a Crowley soon. Until then, I’ll suffer in silence with you. Looking forwards to meeting you c;! Just... No straw, and no masks, k?

@wintersoldier-barnes: Wiggles eyebrows Please send me more Urd. Send me all the Urd. I love the Urd. Gimme the Urd. Urd drug buddy. Also yet another sinner of the SaiUrd squad. Feel free to send me (n)Urds at any times, or just anything in general. You’re amazing to talk to, so~! Also you’re a really pretty Urd holy shit

@rk-silverknight: You just fit in here for some strange reason, because Noblesse yass! We’ve never interacted ic, but you’re still a really nice person! I hope we’ll get to talk some more sometimes in the future. Or perhaps break the bundaries between our muses worlds... Who knows. Perhaps they could actually get along.... Or just have a silent starring contest.

@elyon-kurae: I can’t even... How did we go from relationship meme to... Talking about high and low? You are an adorable person, and.. So sorry for ruining your innocence orz! BUT EYY SAIURD BUDDY~! Also corner buddy, Tumblr sis, and everything really. I like you tons <3

@rigr-stafford: It’s really nice to have you around! I know we haven’t talked much ooc, but just stretching a leggi out and saying EY I LIKE YOU TOO! Looking forwards to our future interactions!

@borntobeafangirlxd: I think it’s really cute how you manage to like my posts all the time. Aaahhh, you probably have no idea how much it means to me! I’m so happy you like my portrayal,

@monophagia: How the fuck did the tag “Another traitor has joined the game~” END UP IN A THREAD WITH MIKU, A TV BEING IMPALED BY A SPOON, AND MAKEOUT ON THE BLOODY FLOOR?! KJLaslfhalskfd. I cannot. Even. Just... Lol. Also you liking that Saito-rp-partner ask, and actually making a blog for him is probably the best thing that happened in my whole Tumblr history. You almost deserve a whole post by itself, so I’ll just stop before it gets too long lol. I love u bby, and I fucking adore your Saito. Be it angsty human Saito who gets way too dramatic whenever Urd ignores him, the priest who adores his pharaoh way too much, or the canon-vampire with his weird pudding obsession. You’re a joy to write with, and honestly I’m amazed we’re still keeping it up. I’M SO HAPPY YOU REACHED OUT TO ME?! OK SEE U IN LIKE... SOON. Don’t kidnap me for too long when I come to Germany tho. I cannot German.

@playfulprogenitor: For some reason I can’t tag you? BUT just want to let you know, that you’re free to swing by anytime! It was really fun seeing you join in on the shitposting!

@lacus-owns-you: We actually interacted through your OC @louischerel long before I even knew that it was you on that Lacus account. HELLO MOMMY! You’re a joy to talk to, and although we rarely RP, I still enjoy haning out with you ooc <3!

@hiiragi-yukine: Aaah you seem so nice! Although we haven’t really spoken outside the RPs, I really enjoy your OC. Also Yukine as faceclaim doesn’t make it any worse noragamiftwamirite.

@ALL THE PEOPLE I PROBABLY FORGOT

Thank you so much for following me! And I’m so sorry if I forgot you, I had to go through a lot of posts, so I probably did orz.

@ALL MY ANONS

I LOVE YOU TONS THANKS FOR ALL THE ASKS THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT

AND THANK YOU FOR LOVING URDS BUTT I know it’s amazing

He secretly loves you too

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itsybitsylemonsqueezy · 7 years

Text

An Unpopular Opinion About Oswald Cobblepot

This opinion is not for everyone. I won’t hate you if you don’t read it.

But if you were offended, hurt, or confused by Robin Lord Taylor’s interview where he stated that Oswald couldn’t love? I think this may be worth reading.

First of all, I want to apologize to Robin. Because, at the time, I didn’t know what he meant and leapt to conclusions about why he would say such a thing. I am now reasonably certain Robin was talking about this episode, 3x14 “The Gentle Art of Making Enemies.” The episode we learn that Oswald can’t love. “But he sacrificed himself for Ed!!!” I know, I know... and yes, that is the first step as Oswald begins to understand what love truly is, and not just in Ed’s eyes, but the actual emotional and mental requirements of love. But he doesn’t love Ed. Yet. Robin’s statement, too, should have been amended to say yet, if it helps.

Now please, hear me out, and understand this doesn’t come from a place of hate or retribution. I am not trying to bully Oswald nor anyone who loves or identifies with him. One could call me biased in Ed’s favor, and you’d be right. I will own that, and if you want to discredit what I’m saying based on that, go ahead, but please read to the end first.

I am a devout Nygmobblepot shipper as well as you and I want nothing more than to see this relationship do well and I think it can! I have TREMENDOUS hope for it and I truly believe the show is heading us in that direction, even now. Yes, even now, and I think the events as I describe them here only reinforce that. And the last thing I want to do is label the ship ‘problematic,’ I want it to be healthy. And that’s... why I’m making this post. Because currently their relationship isn’t healthy, yes, even considering Oswald’s sacrifice. But it can be, it REALLY can, and I so want it to be.

So... misgivings and disclaimers out of the way, I’ve given you all the warning I can that this is going to hurt. I'm just going to proceed now.

There’s been some posts going around tumblr that were bothering me. They were gifsets comparing Fish Mooney’s creation speech to Oswald in 3x02 to Oswald’s creation speech to Ed in 3x14. And they bothered me because, while the text might be similar, the intent could not be more diametrically opposed. And, I could be wrong, people might have been spreading them around to see the contrast, but I saw a lot of people treating the speeches as if they were similar, if not identical. I beg your patience to let me disagree with that claim and dissect them for a minute.

Superficially, one can argue that they both use the “I created you” emotional manipulation ploy to save their own skins. As they are both being held at gunpoint at the time. But I don’t think this is true in either case. Fish tells Oswald the truth because she has no reason not to and she is already out of time. Even if Oswald doesn’t shoot her, there’s no guarantee on her lifespan, so what does she have to gain by lying to him? Besides which, if she does die... he is what she leaves behind. And she is, actually, proud of that. In this moment, she accepts him, as her son and heir, and gives him the right to kill her, if he so chooses. She says,

Because you’re mine. You were my umbrella boy, remember? You rubbed my feet when they were tired. And now look at you: the terror of Gotham. Everything I’ve done in my life, possibly the best thing, was turning Oswald Cobblepot into the Penguin. I couldn’t destroy that.

And it’s worth noting that she only says this in response to a direct question, when Oswald demands an explanation for why he’s not dead right now. She says all of this to wind up at ‘I couldn’t destroy that.’ Now that’s... not why Oswald says what he says.

When I met you, you were a nervous, jittery loser. You were nothing! I created Edward Nygma! And I am the only one in the world who truly sees you as you are, who you can still become. You can’t do this.

Seeing them back to back, free of the heartbreaking images, kinda makes the difference more stark doesn’t it?

First of all, Ed didn’t ask anything, he stated “You killed her, so you die” and this is how Oswald responds. He responds with tearing Ed down, by making him feel small and powerless. By insisting he needs him, that Ed needs Oswald to be powerful, even just to be himself. And it’s significant that Oswald offers this as a defense of why he should live, why Ed shouldn’t kill him.

And true, Fish brings up where Oswald started, her umbrella boy, but NOT to tear him down! She does it to say ‘look how far you’ve come.’ She moves past it to show his progress. Because it’s his PROGRESS she’s proud of, it’s the man he is now that Fish accepts and... in a sense, would die for. Oswald doesn’t do that. He doesn’t get beyond reminding Ed what he was and, pointedly, reminding him who’s responsible for making him more than that. In a way, he’s saying Ed owes him. But he’s definitely saying Ed’s nothing without him.

And that’s not what Fish said. Fish has been gone, out of Oswald’s life for a year, she’s had no hold on him, and she’s remarking on what he’s done in the meantime. When she says ‘I created you’ she means she enabled his becoming, gave him the tools, taught him the steps, then stood back and watched him flourish. True, she was... dead most of that time, but besides the point. She is not making him feel like he owes her, she’s just taking credit, not even credit, pride for her part in him, not the whole, and not his achievements, which are his and his solely. Again, this is not what Oswald does. Oswald brings Ed back to the beginning purely to make him feel like he needs Oswald, purely to manipulate Ed into not shooting him. Oswald isn’t proud of him, at least he doesn’t say so here. Oswald doesn’t laud Ed’s achievements, he doesn’t even mention them. He only says that if Ed wants to continue being whatever he is now, he needs Oswald with him. That’s... that’s not pride. It’s not even healthy as he’s literally saying Ed cannot function independently. Which is patently untrue, as Ed’s run him in circles for the past week.

Just look at where they end. In the end, Fish justifies her OWN inaction and gives Oswald permission to take whatever action he feels is necessary. Oswald, on the other hand, FORBIDS Ed’s action, won’t let Ed decide what’s best for himself, tries to trap him in this manufactured need. Oswald does not accept and has not accepted Ed’s decisions for some time. And that, at the heart of it all, is what Ed is most mad about. Oswald didn’t accept his choice of girlfriend. Oswald didn’t accept how he dealt with his grief. Oswald didn’t accept his resignation. Oswald didn’t accept him WALKING OUT on him. Let’s be real, all Oswald does after that is complain how Ed’s not here, calls him obsessively, and whines about getting him back. Oswald hasn’t accepted a single goddamn decision of Ed’s that he didn’t like, which was... all of them. And sure, any single one of these moments is perhaps trivial, but look at what’s underlying it: Oswald will not accept Ed’s autonomy. And he’s not doing it again here.

Now, HERE it makes sense because, you know, Ed’s gonna kill him. Literally has a gun pointed at his chest and has said many times that... he’s going to kill Oswald. Except... Oswald hasn’t acted in self-preservation for the entire episode. Most notably in JUST the previous scene Oswald completely turns coat on self-preservation and would rather give up his own life than give up Ed. Which complicates things a bit. And that’s what puzzled me about Oswald’s speech on the docks, because normally I’d chalk it up to self-preservation. Only, when Oswald really IS out to save his own skin, he’s a LOT better at it. And it was just proven to us that Oswald in fact isn’t here to save himself. Because he loves Ed. At least, he’d die for him. So, what’s this about? Why would Oswald cut him down like this if he loves him? And he’s not actively trying to survive?

Well, my dear @amaranthineexcuse had the answer and so tenderly and eloquently puts it, much better than I ever could have:

Oswald wants to cripple Ed so that he'll stay with him. Oswald is fucking terrified that Ed will leave him. [...] Oswald just proved that he'd destroy either of them to keep Ed. Which Ed rebuffs, thankfully. Oswald 100% doesn't hurt Ed to hurt him; he's not trying to be mean; he cares about Ed and wants him to be safe. He's just overwhelmed and afraid and he ultimately does not think he's worthy of a relationship with a whole Ed. He lashes out. Oswald's a guy with a lot of trauma; people with trauma sometimes do weird shit in personal relationships. Self-sabotage (and the sabotage of people who love and support you) is not outside of the realm of possibility. He's not trying to be an ass, but he is being hurtful.

He's scared, but he's NOT scared of losing his life, he's scared of losing ED.

That... was a revelation to me. Suddenly everything made sense:

THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! THAT EXPLAINS WHY HE'S EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AT THE DOCKS! Yes, GOD, that's EXACTLY what he does, the whole time, he wants to be NEEDED, he wants to bind Ed to him through FEAR which is NOT healthy! He FORCES Ed to pull the trigger in doing so. And this DOES mean that Oswald is not stable enough IN HIMSELF, he is not secure enough IN HIMSELF to handle a relationship right now!

My literal, verbatim reaction there ^^;

It explains... so much, it did for me anyway. Why Oswald hasn’t accepted any of Ed’s emotions, even though he’s explicitly declaring them. Why Oswald has been acting scared and desperate, but never moved to save his own life. It wasn’t his life at all he was worried about, it didn’t even occur to him. The thing that scared him... was losing Ed.

And the hilarious, ironic thing is we were told this. When Babs walks in to explain to Ed why his life is terrible, she literally says, “But Ozzie saw you being taken away from him by that bookish vixen.” That fear and jealousy doesn’t stop being real after Isabella’s dead. It extends forward, until now. Oswald continues to operate off the fear that Ed will leave him, that’s why he rejects all of Ed’s decisions that in any way don’t match his own, especially the moves for independence. That’s why Oswald tries to trap him again here. And yes it is motivated by a deep and profound desire to have Ed in his life, which can BECOME love... but isn’t love. Because it denies autonomy. Because it does not accept the choices of your partner. And love does not exist without acceptance. Love is sacrifice. Love is also risk. Oswald has to learn that first, how to accept risk. How to trust and respect Ed.

So... again, I want to apologize, deeply, to Robin who said this from the beginning because he knew. He saw that Oswald didn’t respect Ed, hasn’t learned how to yet. Oswald experiences affection, certainly, he is generous and kind and sweet, but he fails at the fundamentals of any relationship, platonic, romantic, any. Trust and Respect. You can’t have anything else before you have that, much less something as complex, tenuous, and difficult as love. But Oswald is also learning. He’s made the first step, he’s realized not everything can be the way he wants it. Sometimes he has to sacrifice. But now he has to work on seeing Ed as an equal and accepting that love is not about needing each other, but choosing each other. Accepting that Ed is a fully formed and functional human being who is capable of making his own decisions. And there is SO MUCH risk embedded in that. And Oswald’s fear and self-loathing prevents him for accepting it.

And, for the record, you have to accept that before you can accept someone loving you too. Ironically, neither he nor Ed can accept being loved by someone else ^^; They just responded to it in DRASTICALLY different ways. But, even if Ed could and did right now, Oswald would never really internalize it and it would rift the relationship even worse than it is currently frayed.

It may not look great that Ed’s shot Oswald, but Ed has leveled the playing field, or wiped the board. Because he put his foot down, he proved that his decisions have consequences and Oswald can’t just ignore them anymore. He has created the opportunity for them to imagine each other as equals, because Ed is guilty to of imagining not only himself as lesser, but Oswald as greater. They both need to accept Ed’s autonomy and everything that that means. If they can do that, I have every hope and desire that they should be together and work seamlessly to terrorize Gotham.

P. S. Consider this scene:

“I gave you a job!” “I gave you everything!”

ANOTHER person Oswald depended on. ANOTHER person Oswald took, and took, and took from. ANOTHER person Oswald REFUSES to give credit to.

And Ed DID, in PAINFUL, LITERAL ways, give him... everything. That's kinda horrific foreshadowing for what will happen to Ed, since he's taking Butch's place. I thought of that earlier and I... I need to lay down now. Oh. Oh that hurt.

#Gotham spoilers #Oswald Cobblepot #nygmobblepot positivity #It BELONGS in this tag I swear #Just give it a chance #I love Oswald too I promise!#I've just realized something unfortunate #But I think ultimately hopeful!#long post #RLT #Robin Lord Taylor #My deepest apologies sir #I understand now #And you were 100% right #unpopular opinion

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