#I wanna go on a walk sometime this week bc it’s gonna be great weather but my anxiety keeps telling me

[crybaby-bkg]

a slight continuation of this

no caller ID pops on your screen, pulling your attention away from your previous task at hand: not fucking up your eyeliner. you typically wouldn’t care if it was a little uneven, but you’re going on a date tonight, for the first time in so long, and you want everything to go as smoothly as possible.

which is why you groan when you end the call, and that same no caller ID pops right back up seconds later. you know who it is—who else would it be? you figured he’s already seen your story of being excited for going on your first date in a while, on the only app you hadn’t blocked him on. petty? perhaps, but it’s on him to be keeping up with you despite you cursing him out for wasting your time and then blocking him right after.

you watch it ring though, contemplating for a while longer than you should. you blocked him for a reason. no need to entertain his same shit that he always spews to you when he realizes that he might be losing you once more?

….but it doesn’t hurt to hear the hero beg for you.

“What do you want, Bakugou?” You sigh irritably as you finally answer his call, putting him on speaker as you go back to even out your eyeliner. You hear him huff on the other side of the phone at the use of his surname, but he doesn’t say anything about it, instead, quickly telling you what he’s been bothering you for.

“Who’s the fuckin’ loser that’s gonna drool over how good your tits look in that stupid green dress you love so much?” Bakugou grunts, and you instantly feel your face heating at his crude words. You glance over with a frown at that same green dress that makes your tits look good, where it hangs on your closet.

“None of your damn business, Bakugou.” You snap at him, wondering if it’s too late to find something else to wear. “Not like you ever took me out in my stupid green dress.” Your voice holds a level of bitterness that only he can bring out of you, and you hear his sigh through the speakers.

“I told you this before, I’m always—”

“Busy.” You cut him off, voice suddenly thick as you think back on the countless rejections he’s splattered at your feet every time you tried to further your relationship with him. “You reminded me of how busy you’ve been since you first started this whole situationship.”

“Situation—? Huh? We were dating!” Bakugou protests with a huff, and you can hear how he paces the floor quickly. You glare at your phone, setting down your liner to instead pick of your (his) favorite lipgloss.

“You’d have to ask me out to be dating, Bakugou. You’d have to court me to be dating, Bakugou. You’d have to make time for me and take me out on dates and not hide me to fucking date me, Bakugou.” You spit at him, venom dripping off of your lips in waves. You don’t know why you answered, why you even entertained him. You shake your head with a huff when the line goes quiet, eyebrows quirking up when your date sends you a text to make sure you’re still on for tonight.

“I’m sorry.” Bakugou mutters pathetically, his voice suddenly soft. You hesitate, for some reason, when it comes to texting your date back. Why do you always hesitate when Bakugou is around?

“Let me make it up to you, court you, and shit. I can take you to one of my favorite places, you can wear that pretty green dress and that gloss you know I love.” His voice is pleading, thickening and sweet and suffocating. You shouldn’t respond, should reply back a yes to your date.

“Please? You know how much you mean to me.” Bakugou mumbles, and you can hear the earnestness in his voice. Why haven’t you said yes to your date yet?

“I’ll do better this time. Just one more chance, sweetheart.” Bakugou’s voice is so soft, you’ve never heard him this vulnerable before. You sigh with a shake of your head, slumping back into your seat in defeat.

…

Sorry, I can’t make it tonight. Something came up. Maybe we can reschedule for another time?

#sorry this is kinda angsty lol #but I saw this tt earlier where this girl was so giddy bc ‘no caller id’ called LOL #and it just reminded me of the first part to this #at first he’s all ‘no we can’t date bc of xyz bullshit reason’ #but the moment you’re like ‘I’m done w this toxic back n forth we’re not even a couple’ #he’s like WE WERE TOGETHER THE WHOLE TIME!!!!! #delusion is what I like to call it #also he definitely takes you out to a place that’s very secluded and exclusive #to shut you up for the time being #the whole ‘at least I took you out!’ shtick #I hate him actually #but the toxic hate sex goes crazy ☝🏻 #okay gn I’m sleepy and I felt so shitty today #or yesterday #so I’m hoping today will be better #maybe I’ll mediate before I start on my work #I wanna go on a walk sometime this week bc it’s gonna be great weather but my anxiety keeps telling me #that one of the stray cats or foxes is gonna attack me AKSJDKDJDJD #omg does anyone remember me talking about that calico kitty in my backyard at one point??? #I haven’t seen her since and I hope she’s okay :( we miss her :( #—new treat in the streets! 🍫 #bakugou treats! 🍬

[boom-boom-boyx2]

Rainy days~

Includes: KamiBaku, DekuXTokoyami & has cussing, warning is BL and theirs a lot of mistakes don’t take it to heart ;p

“Babe, it’s pouring outside your gonna kill your self.”

“Babyyyy” the blonde actually said his first word all morning, “oh? And it can talk~?” The taller blonde who was actually awake mocked the shorter blonde attached to his waist. “Idiot, get up, we have work-” “no.” The shorter blonde pouted, “I’m not going today. We bOTH need a break and plus, we haven’t had a day by ourselves in a while” he looked at the awoken blonde with pleading eyes. “No. Denki Kaminari, get your cute* ass up right now and get dressed. We can stay home on a rainy day maybe but not today. “

Durring break on Tuesday night

/they both took the night shift thinking they might be partners but ended up on opposite sides of the city/

——————————————————————————

⚡️dunce face☀️ 💥Katsuki 🥰

Moron, I checked the weather, it said it’ll rain tomorrow night, I meant it when I said we should stay home on a rain day

Babbyyyyy~ I already put in that I’m working tomorrow morning🥺😭

🙄great- call in sick. I fucking. Dare. You.

No, kat. I can’t do that! I’ll get my ass kicked by kiri if I skip another day Bc it’s raining☹️

Babe. If ur sick, and it’s ducking raining. You’ll kill everyone. 😤you knOW THIS!

I’m not that stupid Katsuki!

Hey. Your not fucking stupid. So don’t imply that you are.

Sorry kat...♥️

Sure🖤 now go back to work keep shitty hair busy

You to! Try not to hurt MidoBro to much today☺️

Yeah sure, I’ll ‘try’

———————————————-———————————

“Kachan! We’re partners!!!” Midorya yelled from across the street, “tch, I’m sooo lucky aren’t I?” Bakugou said in a mockingly implied tone. “Aww, Kachin what’s wrong? You seem a little more pissed off then usual..” Izumi kept a worried look in his eyes. “I’m fucking fine nerd, I just want a fucking break with husband for once.” He angry blonde looked at the greenette beside him and sighed, “I shouldn’t even be telling you this..” the greenette look at him with understandment, “ah, one of those days, I get it” he sighed and continued, “my husband and I barely get any time alone either” he let out an uneasy chuckle. The blonde then spoke and continued to walk as they were just doing portals today, “how is the Bird Brain any ways?”

They continued to talk for a bit till they finished patrolling and they went to the station to fill out some paper work then went home

“Babyyyyyy” “what? I’m getting ready to take shower, you should to.” “I’m offended! Do I stink that ba-“ he was cut off by his own groaning, “ew, okay. I’m taking a shower with you!” “Ew, cuck no- get awayyyyyy” he groaned as denki grabbed his waist and ouch him in the shower, with his clothes still on. “Kaminari. I swear to fucking pikachuu. If you turn the fucki-“ he was now soaking in his black tank top in th shower. a mischievous Kaminari outside the shower door with a smile as cocky as wide ran across his face. “Whatcha gonna do about it? Huh?” Kaminari said in between laughs, “your actually a child.” He said sighing then a sleek emerged on his face. “Oh no..” the famous last words before a disaster. “AHH! NO! KAT WAIT!!” Katsuki pulled his husband into the water with him.

- after the shower they both layer in the living room and watched TV till 1am-

“Achoo! Ew,” the blonde looked down at his hunband whose hair he’d been play with sense TBEY got out of the shower, “oh shît! Babe! I’m so sorry!! Are you okay!!” He quickly became scared and jumped up to look at his husband, “ugh, I will NEVER get used to that.” He shook his head hoping that a few brain cells were still working and maybe his vision might just come back to normal. “Kat, are you okay? I’m really sorry! I usually can feel it coming and I didn’t!!” The usually angry blonde was rather quiet and calm, he smiled and looked at his husband, “oh no, I THINK I KILLED HIM!” Kaminari started freaking out till he got interrupted by katsuki’s yelling “WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!? It’s 2 o’clock in the gOD DAMN MORNING. I’m not. Dealing with your shit right now. Sit back down. Play with my FUCKING hair. We can worry about everything tomorrow.” Denki looked at Katsuki with surprise, had it been so late that he didn’t care? Or maybe he zapped him so hard he forgot...No, Katsuki had to have been so tired that he was speaking nonsenses. “Babe. You need to go to sleep, we still have work tomorrow morning! And I think I cried your brain..” “no. Your getting over here and cuddling me and when I come back with blankets you better have fucking popcorn made.” The grumpy Katsuki shot back at Denki. “But- no! We have work tomorrow, or at least I do!” “No, you. Fucking. Don’t.” He came back and hugged his husband around the waist from the back, “your sick. And I have the day off. You can’t go-it’s rainy. And your sick. Deal with it.” “I- baby, you know I can’t do that.. and it was just one sne-“, he was cut off my his own sneeze, “fuck...” Katsuki kissed his husbands neck and turned off the TV. “Hey, Dunce Face. Com’ere .” Katsuki said while walking into their bedroom and turning off al the lights of their appointment, “I wanna go to sleep. And you need it, I’ll make soup in the morning for your cold.” Kaminari came in and sat down on the bed, “baby I can’t just not go tomorrow bc it’s raining and I’m sick, what if they need me-” all of Kaminari s worries stoped for just a moment while Katsuki kissed him. “Babe. Calm down. Theirs plenty of hero’s that can help, and I need you more, you said it yourself, we haven’t had a day to just ourselves... I was talking with Deku the other day and he said him and Tokoyami keep one day every week for a date night/ spending time with eachother in general, we need that... we both over work ourselves so much sometimes I think we both deserve a break, okay? So please, please Kaminari. Stay home with me tomorrow and let me treat you and spoil you with affection.” Kaminari was sure he stoped breathing, was this really* his husband, the one that only called him babe or dunce face sense they were in high school had just called him Kaminari, in a ‘non-threatening’ sense... he also just said he wanted to spoil him with affection...and tbis all came from the man who would barley want a hug in public, I mean sure! He likes to make out in public when he’s jealous but this was just weird. Kaminari could feel his face turning red and he feel down onto the bed. “Babe, are you alive.....babe! Babe- I wanted goodnight kisses. BABE!?” “Oh fuck! I’m okay! Are you okay?” “I’m fucking fine. Now lemme kiss you so we can go to sleep.” Kaminari quickly took his shirt off and layer next to his husband after Bakugou got his kiss. “Baby” the tired blonde turned around and looked at his, still blushing, husband “what’s wrong honey?” “I’m looking forward to the soup tomorrow morning..” they both smiled and kissed one last time, “I love you Denki Kaminari.” “I love you to Katsuki Bakugou.”

——————————————————————————

⚡️The end Loserz💥

#bakukami #kamibaku #Kaminari Denki #katsuki bakugou #bnha #mha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #fanficton #rarepairs #Deku X tokoyami #pro heroes #IM FINALLY DONE WITH THIS OMFG IT TOOK ME FOREVER-

[tacfarinas]

‘an anon asked me to do 67, 82, & 91; & @alex-hazelnut asked me to do the rest, so here ya go:

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

(In no particular order) ‘I’d Love to Change the World’, ‘Despair, Hangover & Ecstasy’, ‘Santa Monica Dream’, ‘Wicked Game’, ‘Mothers of the Sun’, ‘Holding on for Life’

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Jamie Clayton?  Probably?

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

‘man with a grey beard, in a short full-skirted coat.  He’

4: What do you think about most?

#beingtrans

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

‘On my way back!’

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

With omg I’m not a monster

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I can make a lot of weird noises?

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are good; Boys were a mistake.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yes!

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Like last night lmao

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Straight people?  Having my hands dirty for sure.

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

;-)

13: What’s your religion?

None pls get it away from me thanks

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Getting angry at the wind

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Definitely in front of it but I’m Ugly so its like a lose-lose.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favourite band?

The Dø

17: What was the last lie you told?

I told someone I was late this morning bc I had an appointment but really I was just late lmao.

18: Do you believe in karma?

Sometimes?  Basically only when I have shitty things happen to me.

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s a name.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

A clinical lacking of self-confidence; I’m good with listening/advice?

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Um...Maisie Williams?

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

No :-(

23: How do you vent your anger?

Lurking/stewing.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Bookmarks?  But also just a lot of books & I’m starting on buttons!

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

It depends on the person.

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Compared to the person I used to be.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Not really a sound but when you’re listening to music & there’s sound in one headphone but not the other? or when half the song is in one ear & half in the other?  That makes me Deeply uncomfortable.  I love the sound of rustling paper.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

‘What if I were cis?’

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

No.  Yes.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right: a pillow.  Left: a wall.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Leftover quesadillas.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

The hospital.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

West.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

i do not know men.

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To be your best self.

36: Define Art.

self-expression.

37: Do you believe in luck?

Sometimes.

38: What’s the weather like right now?

Cold but otherwise pretty.

39: What time is it?

4:35pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

In the most literal sense, yes.  No.

41: What was the last book you read?

The last one I finished was ‘Why I Write’ by George Orwell, but right now I’m reading ‘Crime and Punishment.’

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yeah.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

My parents call me Ms. Tessmacher lmao; other than that I don’t think so.

44: What was the last film you saw?

Annihilation!

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Don’t really wanna talk about it thx.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Yes!

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Languages?  But that’s constant.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

Bisexual with a capital ‘B’

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Yes.

50: Do you believe in magic?

No.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Very much so.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Pisces sun, Scorpio moon, Capricorn rising.

53: Do you save money or spend it?

Yes.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Lunch.

55: Love or lust?

I feel like both are good in their own time, but probably love.

56: In a relationship?

No.

57: How many relationships have you had?

Technically, 3.

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Absolutely not my tongue is Small.

59: Where were you yesterday?

Same place I am today (i.e., lurking).

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

;-) (but really just a pair of socks).

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Yes!

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Sheep!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Memes, compliments, & bad jokes.

64: Where is your best friend?

California!

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

(In no particular order): @alex-hazelnut, @inncarnate, @femoids, @juliuscaesarofficial, and @otto-rocket

66: What is your heritage?

about as stereotypically White as you can get.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

taking a Big Nap.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Elliot.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

omg lmao why is this so dramatic yes.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I’d like to think so.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

100% save the dog capitalism is terrible & dogs are good.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

probs tell people.  I feel like I’d read/travel.  No.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Trust omg.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

‘To All of You’

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

3659

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust & mutual respect/understanding & good communication.

77: How can I win your heart?

Tell me I’m pretty & look at books with me.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

sure.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

coming out?

80: What size shoes do you wear?

Lorge.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

‘Heck.’

82: What is your favourite word?

idk about English but in Chinese definitely 自行车 because the literal translation is hilarious.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Artery?  even though it’s not one but okay.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

‘Yell heah.’

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

the main theme of ‘Raw’ lmao

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

dark green/light blue.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

black and white photo of an angry girl in a romper with a net lying on the hood of a dirty car, where someone has written ‘DOOM’.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I think that’s an obvious one.

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this one but mainly bc I can’t think of anything.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Go back to sleep & let the mummies lurk in peace.  What’re they gonna do? they’re just chillin.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Ability to change ‘biological sex’ at will?  Please?

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Lmao literally none of it get my past away from me.  If I had to say something maybe the jazz party from a few weeks ago?

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

My Entire Childhood.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Probably Lorde lmao she is Iconic & I Love Her but also this question makes me Uncomfy so I’m interpreting it in a cute cuddly way and nothing more.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Away.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

None as far as I’m aware.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

So Many Times.

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yee.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

‘Please Chill.’

#questions #alex-hazelnut #anonymous #here ya go

[wanna-17]

lee daehwi first meeting! AU

summary: in which you are somi’s best friend and you find out that she has a hidden twin brother who you are a fan of 

length: 1.3k

a/n: HIHI so i decided to start a new series which is gonna be a sweet and short one called first meeting! AU with the wanna one members. since it’s really only going to cover your first meeting with the particular member, it’s up to you whether you want to interpret it as romantically or platonic friendship, maybe if the context suits and i get enough requests i could do a part 2 for some in the future? we’ll see but i will be prioritising getting each member done first. but anyways i hope you guys enjoy this first one of my precious baby lee daehwi and look forward to the rest of the members :) 

so you’re in high school 

and ever since high school started you became best friends with a girl called somi 

you guys had different personalities, you were more on the shy side and she was more outgoing 

but somehow you guys clicked and found that you guys had a lot of things to talk about and common interests 

also during this time produce 101 is airing and you’re absolutely addicted to the show 

and lee daehwi, the first centre literally swooped you off your feet 

he was no doubt your bias and you’d been voting for him like crazy everyday 

and ofc since somi was your best friend you’d always rant about how cute and talented lee daehwi was and somi would just sigh and roll her eyes sometimes 

well one day at school your class is given a project to be completed in pairs and obviously you and somi are a pair 

usually you two would complete your work at the library but since the weather was really horrible 

you guys decided to head to your place over the weekend 

and you guys do that except you dont get the work done 

so you guys decide to go to somi’s place sometime after school next week to finish it 

and tbh you’ve been very curious about where somi lives

even though you guys are best friends you guys always met either in public or at your place

you were just super curious as to what her house was like and why she was lowkey secretive about where she lived

hMMMMMM

so the day before going to somi’s place

you guys are having lunch at school and somi is suddenly like: “oh y/n when you come tomorrow, my twin brother will most likely be home visiting” 

and u r like

“WAIT HANG ON A SECNOD U HAVE A TWIN BROTHER?? SINCE WHEN???” you semi yell when you stand up from your seat 

you are surprised and shocked bc ur friend has a twin brother and she never told you 

“ssHHHHH be quiet” says somi gesturing you to sit back down 

and so you do and say

“how come you didnt tell me somi?” while pouting 

“well…i guess you never asked whether i had siblings or not” replies somi nervously 

“hmm yeah fair enough, well what its like having a twin brother? what’s he like” you ask excitedly

you’d  never met anyone that had a twin before and u suddenly find out that your best friend in fact has a twin brother which makes you feel kinda weird and excited 

“it’s alright, we’re just like any other sibling pair, he can be slightly annoying sometimes but he’s a good brother overall. i miss him” replies somi looking down 

“ohhhhh where is he? does he go to high school here?” you asked wondering if somi’s twin was actually at your school and completely hidden from u 

“no he doesn’t”

“where does he go then? and what’s his name? what does he look like?” you asked bombarding somi with questions as you were super curious now

since somi was one of the prettiest girls in the school you were lowkey thinking maybe somi’s twin is really hot HAHA

“i actually can’t say his name but he’s really ugly” says somi laughing

“why not????” you ask somi, “is he a spy or something?? with a hidden identity???” 

somi shook her head laughing at you as you continued to pester her about her twin 

“you’ll see tomorrow when you come over” says somi “i think things might change when you see who it is” as she sighs

now you were C U R I O U S as to why somi kept it so secret 

and for some odd reason, who somi’s twin brother was was all you thought about for the rest of the day 

your thoughts went wild as you thought, what if he’s actually a spy? or illegal? a criminal? someone dangerous? what if he’s the youngest ceo in our country?

and for some seriously odd reason you were excited to meet somi’s twin brother 

the next day you head to somi’s house with the address typed in google maps 

you rang the doorbell and somi opened the door

as you stepped in you saw how the house wasn’t too big nor was it too small it was quite spacious and clean and very cozy 

you saw some baby pictures placed up on a shelf of somi and her twin; you recognised somi easily and the twin brother was really cute too 

you guys take a seat on the big couch and start working on the project when suddenly you hear footsteps come down the stairs 

you were super focused on your work tbh so you didn’t look up 

until a voice says 

“hey sis is this your friend that always talks about me?” 

and the voice is SO FAMILIAR 

and you’re suddenly afraid to look up 

you do recognise that voice but no way it just couldn’t be 

silence 

“yep it is” says somi, “look at the state she is in now” 

your entire body was frozen and wouldn’t react and you were looking at the ground

“she’s so cute like that” says the voice

you feel your cheeks go bright red and your heart suddenly beating extraordinarily fast 

you close your eyes and tell yourself you are dreaming 

you take a deep breath and look up 

and you are met with a pair of the most gorgeous eyes you have ever seen; one eye was monolid and the other was double lidded but honestly that was what was attractive about him 

it was truly lee daehwi lmao sorry i made it so so dramatic haha

he was smiling down at your with the sweetest and cutest smile 

“hello y/n! it’s nice to finally meet you!” says daehwi cheerfully 

“u-h-h hello– daehwi-ssi” you stutter nervously as you die internally 

daehwi laughed and his laughter was like a beautiful melody

“no need to be formal y/n, we’re the same age! you don’t look great right now, i’ll grab a glass of water for you” says daehwi as he heads to the kitchen 

when he’s gone you turn to somi straight away 

“DUDE WHY DIDNT U TELL ME DAEHWI WAS UR BROTHER?? i wouldn’t have fangirled over him to you and its sooooo embarrassing” 

“chill y/n it was actually pretty funny, you totally have a crush on my twin, look at ur face” says somi laughing 

“sTOP omg this is all ur fault im so embarrassed, i embarrassed myself in front of my bias” you say as your bury your face in your hands

“seriously y/n this is your chance to talk to him and i don’t usually say this about that idiot but he’s actually a very nice guy, so don’t be nervous anymore” 

you take deep breaths and try to collect yourself before daehwi comes back 

when he does you’re much calmer even though you still feel like you are living in a dream 

“here’s your water” says daehwi as he hands over the glass of water

both your finger trips lightly made contact and you felt your heart racing again 

“thanks daehwi” you say giving him a shy smile 

he asks what the project is about and starts helping you guys and in no time you guys are done 

and daehwi is super friendly and outgoing so in no time you get really comfortable around him

and realise that HES JUST A REALLY NICE AND KIND HUMAN like any human and not some “far unreachable star that’s like a god” 

you find out he has cute habits and loves cleaning and fashion and wants to make people happier through his music

you guys talk for the next two hours getting to know each other and you tell him that you’ll continue to support him on produce 101 and he’s super thankful 

at this rate somi had literally fallen asleep and is taking a nap on the sofa 

he opens up about how it’s hard to meet people’s expectations and that he doesn’t want to disappoint others and you guys have really deep conversations 

and in no time it’s already dark outside 

and daehwi even offers to walk you to the bus stop 

and he puts on a black hoodie with the hood up just in case ppl recognise him anyone watching school 2017 bc i love x’s outfit hehe

you guys reach the bus stop

“y/n it was nice meeting you and i was able to get my mind off things thanks to you” 

“no worries daehwi, i’m so glad to have met you and you’re just as wonderful and kind as i’d imagined you to be” you reply cringing at your own cheesiness

daehwi laughs again as he ruffles your hair “you’re so kind too” 

“anyways y/n will you do me a favour and not tell anyone that i am somi’s twin? i dont want things to get hard for her if people know about our sibling relationship” 

you swoon, he was even so nice to his sister 

you nod “of course”

the bus comes and you guys wave goodbye 

you couldn’t believe that you met daehwi and got so close to him 

he was so nice and down to earth 

you lowkey wondered if you’d ever be able to see him again since he was already famous and busy with filming 

you convinced yourself that he was probably this nice to everyone and you were really lucky because you were his sister’s best friend 

suddenly your phone buzzed and you received a message from an unknown number 

“hello y/n, it’s daehwi - i got your number from somi. that’s okay right? next week i’ll be back in town again, so do you wanna hang out? just the two of us this time ;)”

efgqkejfhfjhjf i hope you guys liked this?? i have no idea what the response is gonna be like and lmao i made somi and daehwi twins bc they could totally be siblings :) i realised i probably rant too much lmaooo so let me know what you guys think as i’m always open to feedback and thoughts about my work :) please also look forward to my next one in this series! 

#lee daehwi #wanna one #lee daehwi scenarios #wanna one scenarios #wanna one imagines #lee daehwi imagines #produce 101 imagines #produce 101 scenarios #wanna one imagine #lee daehwi imagine #produce 101 #produce 101 s2 #daehwi

[meepface]

i’m in a mood and i’m bored please ignore

1: Name 

elyse

2: Age

20

3: 3 Fears

settling for less than i deserve or for something i don’t want just because happiness seems too hard or would hurt someone, the ocean, scorpions

4: 3 things I love

making people laugh, holding hands w my girlfriend and walking past another gay couple or someone in a LGBTQ+ related shirt n smilin at each other, when dogs have the lil tiny stump tails and they wag em so fast, when candles smell like christmas

5: 4 turns on

freckles, ambition/drive/passion for something, humility, uhhh also eye contact during sex can also be super hot

6: 4 turns off

apathy, moodiness, arrogance, people who are extremely loud all the time

7: My best friend

i have two and they’re great!! one leaves for japan in two days though and she’ll be gone for a month so that highkey sucks for me but she’s gonna have a blast. n my other best friend is so good to me she always takes care of me n listens to me and the other day she bought me alcohol so that was nice

8: Sexual orientation

bisexual but maybe just gay? idk i would date a boy but prolly wouldn’t fuck a boy ya know but i’d do both with a girl so who knows

9: My best date

this question originally said “my best first date” but most of em have been goin to movies and so i changed it bc my best date just in general was probably when my gf and i went and ate at our favorite place to eat n then we banged in her car in a department store parking lot and then afterwards she was like “wait nobody’s at my house i’m sneakin u over” bc her mom can be a lil weird about me going to her house so i never really do and i had never seen her room so she snuck me over to her house n we cuddled on her bed n she showed me this shoebox she has in her room with every tiny lil gift i’d ever given her in it and it made me cry a little. another nice date was when it was flooding at our university and so they canceled classes and we went to walgreens and bought shirts bc ours were soaked from the rain and i bought socks bc my socks got Wet bc i stepped in a puddle and we just stayed in my car and ate candy in our comfy clothes waitin for the rain to let up and yeah TMI ahead but basically she ended up eating me out for the first time so that was nice lol

10: How tall am I

5′7

11: What do I miss

i dunno i already miss my best friend Kate even tho she doesn’t leave for Japan until Wednesday morning. also i kinda miss how things were before this year bc my life was less chaotic and stressful and sad last year and now i’m in a rut a lil bit

12: What time was I born

uhh 11:30 somethin AM

13: Favorite color

i like cerulean which is sorta like a teal blue and then yellow and then brown and then dark green

14: Do I have a crush

ya i have a gf

15: Favorite quote

“if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely”

16: Favorite place

i like to be in my bedroom a lot but there’s also this roof i go to with friends a lot that’s really nice at night and i have so many memories there. it’s a really happy place for me

17: Favorite food

i like japanese food but not the seafood kind

18: Do I use sarcasm

no never

19: What am I listening to right now

praying // kesha

20: First thing I notice in new person

i guess just their general vibe

22: Eye color

very green but they were blue for a good half of my life which is kinda weird bc they’re so green now lmao

23: Hair color

red lmao

24: Favorite style of clothing

idk i go through a million styles in a week but my fave is just a cute oversized shirt n leggings bc it’s comfy and effortless

25: Ever done a prank call?

oh yeah i used to do a ton, i even used to have a character that i’d prank call people with actually. her name was Sonya and she sold breast enhancement cream

27: Meaning behind my URL

that’s actually a secret lmao

28: Favorite movie

the secret life of walter mitty

29: Favorite song

uhh idk but lately i’ve loved do re mi by blackbear 

30: Favorite band

twenty one pilots (can i make it any more obvious that i hate myself), two door cinema club, of monsters and men, the 1975, the wonder years

31: How I feel right now

generally okay?? today was a nice day but i’ve felt sorta sick all day and i haven’t been sleeping enough so that’s making me a big ol emotional baby so i feel like i could have a breakdown at any given minute but for the most part i am good tonight

32: Someone I love

my girlfriend

33: My current relationship status

taken

34: My relationship with my parents

oh i love em to death but sometimes they’re difficult n the two of em weren’t meant to be together honestly so i think they’d be better off n a lot less stressful to be around if they divorced but it’s okay maybe they will work it out

35: Favorite holiday

christmas eve. it’s so much better than christmas day!!!! 

36:Tattoos and piercing i have

i have a sun and moon tattoo on each wrist and the word “lovely” on my left bicep and i’m gonna get more but that’s all for now. n i have three piercings, one on one ear and two on the other. i was supposed to have two on both ears but one got infected and i didn’t know what to do so i took the piercing out and it fucked it up and it closed up so i gotta go get it repierced someday but that’s annoying so i just haven’t bothered yet

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

don’t want anymore piercings after i get that one redone tbh. but i want a pine tree tattoo i think on my ankle and a equals sign tattoo but idk where yet and lil mountains on my shoulders, also a sunflower maybe ??? i’m still tryna figure our which one i wanna get next and where. i also have been thinkin about maaaaaaybe getting the female symbol on my middle finger but idk if i want a hand tattoo ya know

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

i really liked this youtuber charlieissocoollike and he did a video about tumblr so i was like ok cool and made one but then i didn’t understand it and never used it and then caitlin one day was talking about tumblr with our friends oliver and jennica and i was like dang i wanna be cool like them so i started using it again and i found their blogs and stalked em for a while 

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

not hate but i’d never speak to him again. doubt he hates me tho

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

yeah from my gf

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

yes

42: When did I last hold hands?

today

43:How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

if i’m trying to look nice 45 mins-1 hour and if i’m not trying to look nice like 20-30 mins

44:Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

no but i need to lmao they a lil prickly

45: Where am I right now?

my bed and i am so happy to be here 

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

my gf would be there 100%, if not her then i’d say my friend Stein but she’d prolly be more fucked up honestly. my friend Kate would be there too

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

louuuuuud unless i’m in a weird sad mood then i like it real soft

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yeah but hopefully i’ll get my fucking act together and move out within a year but i’m still kinda figuring everything out for the time being

49: Am I excited for anything?

idk honestly i have nothing to look forward to coming up anytime soon so that sucks a lot. probably my best friend’s 21st which i think is in a few weeks?? and this music fest a good friend and i are going to at the end of this month

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

yeah my good pal Joe and also my brother and my friend Brendon too but him and i haven’t talked in a while so :/

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

this is emo as shit

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

today i hugged like four people!!!

53:What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i’d be so upset and i’d break up with her and be miserable for a long while after that

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

yeah there’s one

55: What is something I disliked about today?

uhh probably that i was feelin sick and on edge just generally all day. bc it was really puttin a damper on my mood

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

i’d really love to meet Ellen Degeneres

57: What do I think about most?

prolly about how i am a useless dum dum and not to sound edgggyy but i question like....... my purpose too often lately 

58: What’s my strangest talent?

talent? i don’t know her

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

i’m terrified of being vomited on. not vomit in general necessarily but it getting on me is one of the most disgusting things to me lol

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

lil bit of both but i’m better at the behind the camera stuff

61: What was the last lie I told?

told my grandma i was single bc i don’t wanna tell her i am gay n have a girlfriend even though she’d forget in like two minutes lol

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting but i’m not a big fan of either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes!!!!!!!!!

64: Do I believe in magic?

no

65: Do I believe in luck?

sure

66: What’s the weather like right now?

2 hot

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

milk and honey by rupi kaur

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

tbh i love it

69: Do I have any nicknames?

elly, gaylord, dad, that one ginger

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

probably the one time i fell off my razor scooter while goin speedy down a hill and tryna show off and got scars all over my body

71: Do I spend money or save it?

been tryna save but put me in an h&m or a forever 21 or a thrift shop and it’s all gone. i love clothes that are inexpensive 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?

no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?

yeah i have an empty victoria’s secret bag on my desk

74: Favorite animal?

i like bunnies and grizzly bears

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

talking to my gf and crying probably lol it was a rough night

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

oooooo i could make a petty joke here but i won’t

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

greek tragedy // the wombats

78: How can you win my heart?

make time for me and show me i’m important to you

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

“u know she dead”

80: What is my favorite word?

serendipity

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

i’d probably just start crying and everyone would stop listening

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

yeah one of my cousins murdered someone lol i am pretty sure he’s in jail but i don’t know anything about him or if he’s even still alive honestly

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

idk i’m pretty open

86: What is my current desktop picture?

some mountains lol it’s one of the Apple preset ones

87: Had sex?

yeah

88: Bought condoms?

yeah 

89: Gotten pregnant?

no

90: Failed a class?

nearly but no

91:Kissed a boy?

nah i’ve never wanted to really 

92: Kissed a girl?

yeah

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

yeah

94: Had job?

yep i work at a froyo shop

95: Left the house without my wallet?

yeah

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

probably at some point when i was young but not anytime recently

97: Had sex in public?

yeah lol

98: Played on a sports team?

i was on a soccer team for a while as a kid and i hated it

99: Smoked weed?

not yet but i’d like to try it at least one time someday

100: Did drugs?

no and i am not interested in trying any other drugs besides weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?

no

102: Drank alcohol?

yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nah

104: Been overweight?

no

105:Been underweight?

for most of my life i have been lol and i finally got to a healthy weight and now i’m back to being underweight

106: Been to a wedding?

yeah a few

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yeah

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yeah but not any time recently bc i don’t have the motivation/attention span to sit through a movie or TV show anymore

109: Been outside my home country?

no but i’d really like to 

110: Gotten my heart broken?

yeah

111: Been to a professional sports game?

no and i was invited to one recently but i had work :(

112: Broken a bone?

no

113: Cut myself?

yeah

114: Been to prom?

yeah

115: Been in airplane?

yeah

116: Fly by helicopter?

no but i’d really like to

117: What concerts have I been to?

soooo many. i’ll try and name em. trans siberian orchestra, panic! at the disco, imagine dragons, twenty one pilots, two door cinema club, the weeknd, melanie martinez, catfish and the bottlemen, halsey, of monsters and men, walk the moon, eric clapton, paul mccartney, glass animals, a$ap rocky, drake, the chainsmokers, foo fighters, vance joy, the strumbellas, the front bottoms, kendrick lamar, the wombats, AWOLNATION, ben rector, we the kings, the ready set, the summer set ??? i think there’s some i’m forgetting but that’s most of em. i go to so many. i am also seeing saint motel, cage the elephant, weezer, passion pit, mac miller and MGMT this summer!!

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yaaaaa most of my crushes have been n i’m datin a girl so

119: Learned another language?

i took four years of spanish and i’m taking another spanish class in the fall!! i was always real good at it

120: Wore make up?

yeah

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no i lost it when i was 19

122: Had oral sex?

yeah

123: Dyed my hair?

nah it’s naturally red and pretty and i don’t really wanna ever dye it. i’m probably gonna dye my eyebrows tho they’re too light and i’m tired of always fillin them in

124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes this last one which was exciting until hilary lost

125: Rode in a police car?

yes

126: Had a surgery?

no

127: Met someone famous?

yes

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

not like legitimately but yeah i’ve gone through someone’s page out of curiosity before

129: Peed outside?

yeah

130: Been fishing?

yeah it’s sorta boring imo though

131: Helped with charity?

yeah i helped my mom with this organization she was a part of where homeless people could come and paint and make art and i helped her at a few of their shows. it is one of my favorite organizations and i met some really beautiful people there

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yeah he liked me too but he was figuring things out and later that year came out to me as gay and then like two years later i realized i’m kinda super gay too so it all worked out in the end

133: Broken a mirror?

no

134: What do I want for birthday?

to be with people i love

#like if ya read #about me #long post

[my-bobohu-blog]

[170401] a personal update and a very detailed list of my future plans that give me a reason to keep living

so... i’ve been having a rough time again. i don’t even remember if i wrote it down or not? if i recorded it anywhere... but these past couple of days... or weeks i guess... it just felt like i was thrown back into the dark and it felt... terrifying. there was a day when i just couldn’t get out of bed because i just couldn’t? i tried and i wanted to but it just... wasn’t working... i couldn’t function and it felt like i was falling apart but i couldn’t figure out why no matter how many times i tried to walk myself through my emotions. it just felt like i was turned off. and now being back at school at that godforsaken school... it feels 100x worse. i just... i hate being there so much and it makes me feel so empty inside. 

sigh. i wanted to journal about all of this but the words never come out right and it takes so much more effort to format it correctly where it’ll work with my brain. but this works too because i can edit things quickly and cleanly without scribbling all over my cute little journal. and sometimes it just takes to long to write everything i want to say and my hand can’t keep up with my thoughts and i don’t want to leave anything out because my little plans for the future are important to me and even the smallest plans bring me a lot of joy so i just... i want to keep track of them all, mm? 

okay... so... i guess i’ll start listing off my future plans one by one in chronological order because it brings me a kind of peace and it makes me happy knowing that i’ll be capable of achieving these things one day...

for this weekend:

start my poetry readings (homer’s iliad) and idk just be a bit more active in my learning instead of trying to just run away from it

check canvas for any global health readings too so i can plan time to do those readings before monday’s class

watch ep 12 of swdbs (hehehe tonight hopefully after i take a nice shower and put my hair into braids)

for this coming week:

i will go to all my classes this week. no more skips. and i’ll get on top of my work (which isn’t much i don’t think) but i will be prepared

go bowling with hai maybe? i don’t know. we’ll see and i think i should be more honest with myself when it comes to him too

i wanna start a drama (the one with joy and lee hyun woo) and also keep watching grey’s anatomy and running man 

the weather is supposed to be nicer on monday through wednesday so maybe i’ll go to the zoo one of those days and see my baby otter pups

i should get my genetics and a&p credits transferred before something miraculously stupid happens like uw expels me for kicks and giggles

deposit money into the bank account to pay off my bills and to make up for all the shit i spent money on these past couple months (no regrets)

look cute one of these days and go take some selfies by the cherry blossoms @ the quad... which would be cool, hmm?

buy some more strawberry milk bc it makes me happy :) 

for this month:

go to the zoo at least twice to visit the baby otter pups and to just... enjoy the zoo whether it’s on my own or with company

no skipping classes in april to the best of your ability... because may and june might be hard and i need to keep it together at least one month

make sure to have a bad day preparedness plan just in case the bad days are bad and skipping isn’t an option

figure out a schedule to start working out on a weekly basis- but at the very least start working out at home or something

buy some cool socks and make hai a picture ornament for his birthday that’s coming up

fly to la to see fey, exo, and some sunshine LOL~ remember to have a good time and to just enjoy life as it comes

trim bangs 

for this school year:

pray like there’s no tomorrow that i got into the MLS program because it means the world to me and i want to stop being disappointed by life

pray some more just in case and just... pray a lot, hmm? just... lots of praying tbvh

apply to the biology major (ba bc bs is a pain in the ass even if it’s just one more physics class- fuck that)

do my best to just finish this quarter strong and to just get through it no matter what it may throw at me

drive to the beach on a really sunny/warm day and just feel the wind blow through my hair and enjoy life

transfer every single one of my credits and just get that taken care of so that i can figure out my next steps at this godforsaken school

go to oshian’s graduation and get her the most kickass present i can think of/make because she deserves it more than the world

for the future and beyond:

get into the mls program and totally kick ass by being motivated to learn new shit and making friends with my small cohort

get into the bio major and kick ass at that too because biology is just in my blood and engraved in my heart at this point

take a shit ton of challenging classes that make life worth living and do my clinical rotations and kick ass at that too because it’s lab and i love it

graduate with a bs in mls and a ba in bio and a minor in chem and if i’m feeling ambitious lets just tag on a minor in microbio too if i can

but really, graduate with at least a bs in mls because that’s what matters and i’m gonna do great with that too

apply to hospitals in seattle and boston and move to boston if there’s a place for me there

go on a big ass trip of joys and wonders after i graduate and before i move for my big senior solo trip

visit south korea, japan, and taiwan~ (maybe schedule it around the time of an exo concert, mm? and go to hot springs in japan~)

visit sm coex, go to pet cafes, run through the taiwanese night markets, eat all the delicious foods, just... live and be happy and explore

move to boston (hopefully) and start over with a new life with a job at a wonderful hospital~ live there for 2-3 years and see how it goes

go to farmers’ markets and buy myself fruits and flowers, learn how to cook more, live on my own, drink wine and watch netflix on my own

get a corgi and name it bubby and love it more than anything else in the world because it will be my lil love and my lil bub and it will own my soul

travel to europe and visit england, spain, france, and germany and idk anywhere in between wherever my heart takes me

apply to graduate school (maybe u of maryland) and get a masters in the pathologists’ assistant program 

become a freaking pathologists’ assistant??? and make $100k+ a year??? and kick fucking ass??? 

open up Bubby’s Bookshop (latter half of name still pending) as a safe space for ppl to go and be at peace

oh and adopt lola (or lolo) and my cat sparkles~ and shower them with all the love in the world

make special spaces in bubby’s bookshop like lola’s library and sparkles’ safe space w/ lil themes for ppl to seek comfort in

maybe get my phd??? so that i can be the lab director of a lab one day and just... still totally kick ass? because... that would be awesome

dr. elaine~ ayeeeeee LOLOLOL but really... that would be kind of really great and cool and exciting

buy a beach house or something... maybe start small and just rent a beachside apartment ya know? but... i’ll get there ;)

live simply, humbly, and happily

for everything in between my life plans:

remain flexible and have back ups and don’t be afraid to let go of certain future plans simply because they aren’t gonna work out

if i don’t get into the mls program, then i’ll get my bio degree and get a certification program in mls and i’ll go from there and adjust accordingly

if i choose a path different from pathologists’ assistant, then that’s cool too as long as i enjoy whatever path i take

hope and pray that my heart still belongs in labs and that truly where i am happy and where my soul resides

if not, then i can figure out something else from there too. there will always be time

for the bad days and the good days and life in between:

tell someone (oshian probably bc she’s my person) whenever those bad waves come before i start to drown too deeply

do not be afraid to reach out and to just... ask for help no matter how much of a burden i feel like i am... because i still matter and i need help

go to the zoo often and go to the beach often and just go places often. try to avoid holing myself in my room if i can avoid it

take advantage of good opportunities and try to put myself out there every once in a while- like good internships

keep friends. don’t push them away... because they matter and they’re important and they are everything

dude, go out to eat with other people. like literally anyone and not just by myself bc sometimes it’s a tad depressing and company is fucking gr8

take care of myself and know my own limits because those are essential to my sanity and my health and hopefully it will get better

but if it doesn’t, at least i’ll still have me and i will get myself through every single bad day in life and i will persevere and survive

even if this is the longest shit i’ve written it still feels so incomplete? like i’m missing something or that i’m leaving out some small details that really matter... but... i think that’s okay, hmm? i hope... i hope i can achieve these things or at least still remain true to the heart and soul that is striving after these things. 

i want to be better. i want to be a better elaine that little-elaine can look up to and be proud of. i want big-elaine to look back and think, “you did good little one. thank you for the strength to get us to this point. you did good.” because that matters and because... because even if i make all these plans, i’m still scared that something is going to go wrong with my heart and my soul and that somewhere underneath all of this is someone who is rotten at the core and... and i hope that’s not true... but i’m trying. i’m trying my best and i’m trying to be the best i can be even if that just means buying strawberry milk on a wednesday to help me get through the rest of the week. and i don’t know if that made sense... but it matters to me. because... because i’ve gone through a shit ton and i don’t always think i’m a good person... but goddammit i’m trying and that has to count for something... it has to matter to me that i’m trying. 

sigh. 

none of my future plans really have people involved specifically... except osh bc she’s my best friend and i will fight like hell to keep her in my life even if i’m living across the country. but... there’s no plans for a boyfriend or a husband... because... because i feel like if i do that then i’ll be weak and that somehow having plans will break my heart when they don’t come true because they never do. so idk... i don’t even know why i wanted to mention this but i also kind of know because i told myself i’d be honest with myself today. and the truth is... i’m scared of being alone and i’m scared of settling and i’m scared of being with someone i’m unhappy with so i’d rather just be alone because i can control how i feel about myself and i can control those aspects of my future because they’re my future and someone else’s future isn’t a part of that- not really. and... and i’m scared of someone walking in and changing my plans and then walking right back out after damage has been done... and i’m scared because i can’t control their feelings but... but i don’t want to have to pick up all my broken pieces each time someone walks out of my life either. i’ve grown so tired of it. 

but... but i won’t lie. i want someone who is gonna hug me at the end of the day and kiss me on the forehead and hold my hand and tell me that even on my worse days, things are going to be okay... that i’m going to be okay. because they’ll know that only me telling myself those things isn’t always enough so they’re there to support me too. and... and i want to love someone. really love someone and just... link arms with them and let them cuddle up with me in bed and tell them about my future plans and ask about theirs and maybe make future plans together. my goodness i don’t want to end up alone but i feel like i will just because i’m too fucking scared to include anyone in my future... but... i hope... i really hope that i won’t end up alone. which is a stupid sentiment by the way bc i have osh and my family who love and adore me and would do anything for me... and i’m still trying to figure out what i mean when i want someone to love me... and i guess i mean that in a s/o kind of way but... but still... it just... feels weird. like i want someone special but osh and family are still special and i don’t know how to specify what i want in words but i think it’s understandable but i wish i could just break it down and really make sense of what i want... sigh. idk... i’m just rambling at this point.

alright... i’m growing tired because i’m still not sure what the point of these last few points were. anyways.

to my little love (aka me), you are doing great and i’m proud of you. even if the depression feels like it’s eating you alive- you are going to survive this. you have goals and plans and it’s going to be okay because you’re smart and you’re going to fight and you’re going to survive this and it’s going to get better. even if life decides to screw you over at every corner you turn, you’re going to persevere and make it through. even if you have to suffer, you will fucking persevere because that’s just what you do and that’s what your heart is made of. it was meant to persevere even in the toughest times that test you and make you want to give up- you never will. even if there are smaller things that occupy your mind and your time- even if there are things that make you more vulnerable than you ever anticipated despite you knowing it shouldn’t- you’re gonna be okay and it’s going to be okay. you are going to accomplish all your goals in the best of your ability and you’re going to have a bright future because that’s just who and what you are. you are light and you are meant to live simply and brightly and it’s going to be okay. and even if you find yourself in the darkness, you will light your own way and figure your way out. you are strong my little potato bud. you are going to be great and i am so proud of you. 

#for me #i just... need a place to put my thoughts #painfully personal #personal #the longest fucking post i've ever written #for the bad days

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #10 (plus some nuggets of cheeriness and tidbits of gloominess)

Eeee! I’ve been feeling quite the bit more chipper this week me thinks, I feel my efforts and confidence have grown some and even my sis has been noticing and congratulated meeeee ;w; I hope this continues onto next week and beyond! To infinity and beyond! ^^ (Too bad it doesn’t help my terrible memory all that much tho but hmm feels good, man lol and I did make sure to write a few notes so that’s something! :D)

So, my 10th appointment. It actually went pretty good! That sheet which I had to do with the emotions/thoughts/evidence columns and the sort of recap of what I learned, I did end up leaving them till last minute again (like literally less than an hour before the appointment, such badness ahh) but I scrawled it quick and I am so glad I write these posts here because without them I wouldn’t have remembered a lot of the stuff I needed to write! :3 Both physically and mentally, repetition is key! Accidental rhyming wheee!

So, as usual she asked how I was and I just said same-y same as usual, then we went over the sheet I wrote on. She told me to read them out to her and it kinda felt like uhhh but I guess it’s better than her attempting to read my scrawly writing haha. I didn’t read them word for word and some sections were omitted because she asked me for specific columns and stuff though but the main stuff got across. I re-wrote the few things I wrote on the previous sheet, about me going to shops on my own and walking to the post office and trying to converse with customers.

Generally with all of those situations and other similar ones my feelings would be stuff like ‘anxious, tense, nervous, self-conscious, tense, alert, awkward’ rated at a score of something between 80-95% and my thoughts were things like ‘they’re probably wondering what I’m doing there’, ‘they probably think I’m weird/awkward/look a mess or am even stealing’, ‘maybe someone will recognise me or can see I’m anxious’. The evidence to support this was uh, well, tbh I think I wrote nothing (or very little) and I kinda expected this in a way but I guess it depends on how hard you try to nitpick and negatively view the smaller details. 

The lesson is not to speculate and not jump the gun and make all these negative assumptions. Those irrational thoughts up in your mind have no real support, proving they hold not truth and are not to be listened to. They shouldn’t hold you back from doing things you want to do because they’re not real, just your mind conjuring ways to try bring yourself down with false beliefs of things based on past negative things and things that will never actually happen. You ain’t fooling no one no mores mr.snarky pants negative mind! >3<

I did manage to go to the post office again on my own, this time to post something and it went pretty smoothly, except on the way back this one random guy smoking outside his house commented to me something like ‘you should smile, you’ll get up the hill’ and then I kind of awkwardly smiled and walked past quickly and he was like ‘that’s better’. I was walking up a kind of hilly street, maybe a bit huffy looking and deep in concentration, when I saw that guy (he was conversing with someone else at first) and made eye contact a few metres away I actually did try to make myself smile a bit, but I was still feeling kind of tense (especially in my walking too) and I guess my super resting bitch face just didn’t shift and so came the awks.

Because of all the shizz in my past it instantly made me think he was well, mocking me about my appearance, but I pushed that aside immediately because I know this is just a negative assumption, but still I kept thinking back on it and feeling uncomfortable, especially because I actually kind of tried but the opposite happened, sucks. The counsellor told me that she had a similar situation in the past (except it was a gesture to smile while in her car on the road) and at first she felt kind of annoyed and was like wtf because whether she smiled or not was not this person’s business and she needn’t follow a strangers instruction. Yeah, that’s the feeling I had too exactly. But she said that even though this happened, she didn’t let it get to her and ruin her day and even though she wanted to flip him off she just ignored him (she talked quite colloquially and it was pretty awesome lol)

On the other hand though, I do definitely see the comment I got could have been something intended to genuinely try encourage me or cheer me up and I just took it the wrong way at first (though the comment it self is kinda uncomfortably worded imo). I don’t want to overanalyse the words or situation too much though, but I do feel it leans way more to the positive intention, or that’s what I’m gonna stick with, gotta not let my mind make it a negative. Anyways I got past that and idc about it anymore bc it’s true, it’s my face and imma do whatever I want with it *glares infinitely with short sightedness*. I remember reading an article online in the past about people expecting women to be all smiley all the time or something but who on earth would even be able to smile 24/7 and anyways do everything for yourself as always. 

Even the counsellor agreed that no one could walk around smiling all the time, but when you do smile, even a forced one, it is proven to make you feel a little more happy and it sure does, helps me feel a little more confident and positive too. My sis says she has problems with smiling a lot and sometimes asks me how she looks and I’ve read other people struggle with it to and have to practice it. I’ve kinda been inadvertently practicing it myself, but never really held one out in public unless I genuinely felt cheerful, though lately I have been trying to get more comfortable with it and it’s going alright. Being more observant of others and the little things that naturally bring smiles helps too, there’s a lot to appreciate out there like the pretty scenery and weather, cute kiddies and elderly people, it gives back the feeling that everything’s not all that bad out there and that there’s a lot more things to smile about ^^

Anyways back to what I was saying about the sheet. There was also a column supporting against the thoughts and I put some things like ‘no one recognised me or approached me about things’ (maybe excluding dat 1 guy of course lol) and there was a column for a more realistic view on things and I wrote stuff like ‘everyone is busy doing their own thing’ (aka. no1curr lol) then proceeded to re-score my feelings and they dropped down to something between the range of uhhh ‘30-70%’ (I don’t have the sheet on me so moar memory fails lol). It shows that everything is actually nowhere near as bad as you’d assume, if you never tried you wouldn’t have been able to see this and would have been stuck still thinking the same catastrophic things and even escalating them further and scaring yourself more. You need to take a more realistic view on things, base things on facts and not believe what you hear from the dark space in your head or see through pessimism clouded glasses.

During all this discussion she praised me a lot, told me how far I’ve come and I was like ‘uhh ahhh thanks’ and ‘it’s thanks to you’ and she was like no no it’s all your doing >< She also praised me about going to the shoe shop and getting my refund (lol) and going to other places especially on my own. I am very thankful for her help and her pushing me to get my lazy mopey ass up, counselling/therapy do recommend! ^^ I’m glad I decided to go and I’m glad I tried because it really helped me get out of this dark hole I fell in and lived in for so long, though I still roll back down there a lot but at least I know how to get out now! Only one session left, feel kind of sad about it *sigh* I kinda feel like I wanna gift something but idk if I should (or what I would give anyways, I’m so hella poor and indecisive rn) ;;

The next thing we did was talk about my next steps towards my goal of getting a job. She told me to volunteer at some places like charities so that I’d be able to gain the experience and have references. I took the idea on board but was thinking maybe I could get some work experience at where my sister works if possible. I’m kinda chickening out a little I know, but I have actually gained a little bit of experience from a charity shop before in the past during school time and I can’t say I loved the experience, not to say this time would be the same but idk... tbh I really like where my sis works, I would love to actually apply for it someday, to have a taste of it now would be very useful to me. Who knows how things will go or where I’ll be next, it could go really great if I try hard enough, I really need to believe in myself more and learn to just go with the flow.

My sis was feeling a bit sad about work lately though, that the pay is not high enough and said something to me like ‘if you were working we wouldn’t be struggling as much’ and it totally drained away any cheerfulness I had that day. If I could have, I would’ve been working years ago like I wanted to, it’s just... ahhhhh..! *eternal wailing and angst*. My sister helps my parents financially often when needed and funds things for me too, there’s that feeling of me being a burden again, but I am trying this time..! Feels bad man ;; Now’s not the time to be falling back into gloominess, one of my biggest motivations to work and make money is so my parents won’t have to, so they can rest and have free time to have fun, so we can spend time together too! I want to be able to save up enough money so we can all go somewhere nice and afford nice things. I need to try much much harder, c’mon I can do it..!

She didn’t ask about the recap notes I was asked to write, so I prompted her about it and I’m glad I did (and didn’t just hope she forgot so she wouldn’t look at it like how I always tried to wiggle out of my homework being seen at school lol), because none of it was wrong or silly like I thought it may be, in fact it was great! (Hah! Eat those facts silly thoughts!). I read it all out and she was impressed and praised me about that too, that I had learned all these things and remembered them and taken them on board successfully. For next time I have a whole bunch of sheets to fill in, ones to do with what I’ve learned and my goals for the future etc. I‘m already feeling that mental fatigue just thinking about it, but I’m not gonna leave it till last minute this time! Time to break the habit and just do it!!

In my own time, I do feel I am more comfortable going out more, even though its just something as mundane as going to the supermarket, but not feeling so anxious or afraid feels great! I feel like I can almost be ‘normal’ in those kinds of environments. I went to the big shopping centre again, this time with my sis’s bf’s mum there too and I made lots of effort to converse with her even though I suck at speaking my second language, I tried real hard and it was good and my sis was impressed and even I’m proud of myself. I wanted to be less awkward with relatives and I feel I’ve begun to slowly bridge that gap lately, build up better relationships or impressions and such.

In the shopping centre I browsed around feeling pretty comfy and chipper, the only time I tensed a little was when buying food in a busy food court, passing some guys (lame I know) and when I had some awk but kinda comically awkward moments with the store guy at this shoe shop I went to, but I tried real hard there too and I successfully got some shoes in the end for me (and my mum too) and they were much comfier than that previous shop I had to refund to lol! I still haven’t worn them out yet and they are still a lil snug for me but I hope they loosen a little over time and become real comfy like the old ones I have and wear all the time. (Afterwards I noticed that guy at the shoe shop reaaaally reminds me of this one from one of those viral twitter posts too and I can’t unsee it lmaooo xD)

I feel like I’ve been taking care of myself a bit better, so my appearance improved a little and my self confidence has gone up a little more which is also why I’m feeling better about going out. I wanna continue to try do things to improve myself, for myself! As with everything, the more effort, the better the result! :D I want to stop bringing up excuses for why I can’t go out or do things, because there is nothing really stopping me but myself and my habitual unwillingness. I can do everything if I put my mind to it hoo! (Or maybe not put my mind to it? You know ‘cause it likes to go off on it’s own spiral of doom haha)

I also baked the same cookies I made previously but with an improved/non-improvised recipe and it turned out even better omnomnom ^^ I also tried making hummus and well it wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad, it was good for a first try! I wanna try make something else next, I’m pumped! Keep trying, keep learning! :D

In my art related postings, I’m still kind of hibernating and I really really hate that I’m still like this, I’m still seriously overthinking things here and it makes me so mad at myself uuuugh! I keep itching to comment on things too but have been holding myself back there too cause I still feel ashamed and am just hiding and avoiding again. I keep waiting for the motivation to come or a spell of confidence or even numbness to the fear of judgement but it’s just wasting more time because I’m not doing or moving forward. I don’t want to be too hard on myself though, because the other things have been taking up my time and thought space and are technically much more important but I do want to also get somewhere with this too. Man, I’m such a frustrating person .___.”

I read somewhere recently that motivation only really comes after you tried and showed yourself you can do it and then it spurs you on. I feel this is very true. Even though I have not been able to sit down and commit myself to drawing or experimenting with mediums seriously yet, I’ve still done some small comforting doodles on scraps when driven by my feelings or boredom and even though they aren’t the most beautiful and detailed things, I still like them and impressed myself a little too, it does make me want to try some more. So why aren’t I doing so? Remember it doesn’t have to be perfect silly me! It doesn’t matter what other people think! Do it for yourself! >w<

Now that I’ve written this post imma do something good and useful and fulfilling! I’ll either fill in those sheets for next week, do some art related things or spend time with my parents! I can do it! I’m doing well! I can do even better! Go go go! *^*

Have a great evening! Keep going! ^^

#therapy #avpd #social anxiety #anxiety #depression #thoughts #feelings #family #nothing ventured nothing gained #baby steps #don't miss out on nice things because of those nasty little irrational thoughts #view everything from a realistic pov #it's okay for things to not be perfect #you're stronger thank you think #keep growing #go with the flow #believe in yourself #try your best! #you can do it! #let's art and kick ass!