sanguinesprout

[sanguinesprout]

A fearsome brooding storm (some updates and blah)

So... it’s been a while, almost 10 months since my last entry, wow. That’s sounds like a really long time in words but in reality it went by like a flash. I didn’t forget about this blog and I’m not gonna abandon it though!

The reason for the long break, well, to be honest at first I just didn’t feel up to writing. I wasn’t feeling too bad mental-wise actually but I didn’t feel I had much to say that wasn’t already kinda said. Things went on unexpectedly steadily and I felt I was actually making some progress up until a few months ago with the world being thrown into disarray by the pandemic and more recently with my physical health suddenly taking a sharp turn for the worst (not related to the virus).

I don’t know what to say other than I’ve been and still am really scared right now. I know this sounds overdramatic, but I’ve been genuinely worried that I might die any day now. Whenever the symptoms get really bad my mind just spirals into all these anxious thoughts and worst conclusions. 

I feel so terrified and numb at the same time, I just really hope I’ll be okay in the end. I’ve been trying my best to not panic, reassuring and distracting myself when I can. I wish I had some more support from my family in that way too, but they don’t really know how to give that sort of thing I guess. I know they are concerned for me though, even though I feel like such a nuisance to them especially right now... I have to remind myself that becoming ill wasn’t my fault though, life just really sucks sometimes.

I have been desperately waiting for news of appointments for tests every day but there’s a really long waiting list, so who knows when I’ll hear from anyone. It's really saddening and depressing, there are so many people suffering and the pandemic has only made it so much harder for everyone to get help. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for those working non-stop to help others right now too. All illnesses suck! I wish they didn't exist so no one would have to suffer!

It’s difficult to be positive right now, but I have to try. Don’t worry yourself so much silly me, you’ll be fine! Like with every other difficult time, you’ll pull through and look back on it and maybe even laugh about it. Most things are never as bad as you expect them to be. You’re strong and have lots of nice things ahead of you to accomplish. Don’t give in to the dark thoughts and feelings! You’re gonna be okay!

Because of the illness and the pandemic situation, I decided to quit my job. I feel like maybe I took the bad and avoidant way out and cut it off instead of just being brave and prolonging it with a sick note and sick leave. The thing is though, I’m uncertain if and when I’ll get better and also with the pandemic situation, I want to protect my parents as much as possible and that means minimising exposure to other people. 

My parents were supportive of this decision, they worry a lot for me too (though I wish they’d worry about themselves more and take their own health more seriously!!). I hope I will be able to get another job in future and maybe even in some place I feel more passionate about, that would be nice.

Anyways, to get away from those dreary topics. In the time between the last post till now I’ve been trying to get back into drawing and actually managed to make some small simple pieces I actually felt proud of. It took me so much will power to do it though with all the anxiety and reluctance still overpowering my motivation to do just about anything, so that made it even more meaningful. A tiny step forward is still something!

I’ve also been poking my blogs around some more. I agonised over the small details far too much again, but I can say that I’ve finally got them sorted for real this time. It’s just the actual use of them that is a hurdle I still struggle to get over. I’ll get there though! I have much more determination this time. 

There were a few times I tried to comment on other people’s things elsewhere and that was super difficult and I may have deleted some of them but I tried at least. I just need to do things more to get used to them again. It’s just so hard to not let all those judgey thoughts about myself occupy my mind. C’mon me, you can get over it, you can do it!

The friend I occasionally message hasn’t written back for a long time. I worry that maybe they got tired of me and finally split, but they told me previously that they were very busy and were apologetic, it is probably even more so with the current state of the world. It’s rude of me to jump to conclusions, but even if they did ghost me, I wouldn’t really be offended or anything. A lot of times I felt like I wanted to get away myself. 

It feels really bad to say that and I know it’s mostly the avoidant in me talking, but sometimes friendships just fizzle out too and there’s no helping it. I wouldn’t want to drag anyone along and make them feel uncomfortable. I wonder if I should contact them again, because I am worried about them too, but I don’t want to disturb or put any unnecessary stress on them. I guess I’ll just wait for now until things become normal again at least.

I think for this blog, I’ll just write whenever I feel like it rather than trying to force myself to write it every month (which I already failed lol). I do have a lot of other things I want commit my time to now and if I do them, I’ll maybe end up with more stuff to write here too, so it’s still going to be work out fine!

I kept thinking whether there would be any point of me posting things, seeing as my situation right now is so uncertain, but that’s not optimistic of me at all. You only live once, so you should try your best and do the things you want to do no matter what! 

I think I’ll stop here now. But maybe a little more last second pep talk first before I sign off! Things may be tough but you’ve got this! You are way stronger than you think and can overcome all the difficulties you may be facing! Every little step amounts towards big progress! The best time to do the things you want to do is right now! Don’t let your fears control your happiness and desires! You can do it!

Until next time (hopefully)! Take care and don’t give up! ^^

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #mental health #physical health #you're stronger thank you think #nothing ventured nothing gained #baby steps #keep going #be brave #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #do what makes you happy #believe in yourself #you can do it! #optimism ftw! #look after yourself and your loved ones

[sanguinesprout]

Not every bad thing has a lesson. Sometimes life is just unfair and tragic. But all you can do is try to make it through. Eventually, the sun will start shining, and you will be able to appreciate it again. ☀️🌱

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#reblog #chibird #be brave #you are stronger than you think #believe in yourself

[sanguinesprout]

Gentle breezes and light sun showers (small updates and blah)

So... the month has gone by and I’ve been feeling... hmm... pretty alright actually! My mood has been quite steady and falls somewhere between neutral and positive which is so much better than previously!

Things with work have been going fine. There have been times which stressed me out some and made me worry but I was able to steel myself and get through them a-ok! I’m still learning things as I go along and making little mistakes here and there but I’m not gonna be beating myself up about any of it, instead I’m gonna give myself a nice pat on the back for getting so far! ^^

Health-wise, I’m doing okay for the moment. I managed to inadvertently start to get help on a problem that has been troubling me for so long through other doctor appointments which is great! I’m hoping everything goes well and I can improve my general quality of life through this.

Health and financial-wise for my parents is another story. I really want to help them so much more but they’re unwilling or stubborn or idk, it’s just still very difficult and it’s like things are going downhill and they’re just standing there watching it happen. I did however manage to get my dad a drs app finally! There was so much debating and stress before that but I’m hoping things carry through and he can start to feel better. My mum has been keeping up to speed with her appointments but I’m making sure to keep an eye on her and enquiring about her health often.

My sis has been helping a lot on the financial side and just in general, she has two jobs again now, must be super tough and tiring but I’m glad she can help them out. I’ve helped them a bit too when I can, but a little differently. I’ve only really applied for one additional job so far, but I’ll keep on the lookout. C’mon, I can do this!

In general lately I feel as if I’m more relaxed and can just be in public without worrying as much as I did in the past. Of course there’s times where things get to me and I start backing out and bad stuff, but I’m surprised how I was in times where I was more okay and it felt so much nicer. I just feel more like... more normal? Like less ashamed to be seen I guess. I think this is largely due to my exposure to people at work and the help from the group therapy. I hope I can keep moving up and past all these worries I still have.

In leisure-related things I haven’t done thaaat much. I’ve been treating myself to some retail therapy since I have some money now, but I’ve got to make sure to save more than I spend, especially as our family situation is not good. I used the little shopping I did as a treat/reward and motivation for the stressful times at work and day to day. I also sat and re-watched one of my favourite shows which was nice too.

Blogging and creative-wise I haven’t got much further than before. I think I’ve been overthinking things again... >< But I’m feeling a bit more hopeful and motivated, and I did kind of get things a bit more sorted out, so at least there’s something. Baby steps is better than no steps after all!

I feel like there’s less to talk about now since I’m not wallowing as much as I did before, but that’s a good thing, right? ^^ I feel I’ve been a bit more productive lately too. Kind of broken out of that ‘I don’t feel up to something today/I only have energy to do one thing today’ cycle more which is super!

While I’m still feeling up to it, let’s go be even more productive!

Take care of yourself and don’t forget to give yourself the praise and encouragement you deserve too! 

Until next time! Keep going, keep growing! :D

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #feelings #family #work #nothing ventured nothing gained #keep going #baby steps #believe in yourself #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #live in the present #no time is wasted if you're always learning #you can do it! #positive thinking #be your own best source of support #look after yourself and your loved ones

[sanguinesprout]

Mistakes are a natural part of being human, and they’re part of growing. 🌱 The most successful people had to make a lot of mistakes before learning what worked for them, so don’t let a mistake stop you!

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#reblog #chibird #nothing ventured nothing gained #just do it! #it's okay for things to not be perfect #don't be so hard on yourself #no time is wasted if you're always learning #you can do it!

[sanguinesprout]

A higher chance of sunshine and warmer weather (group therapy, job updates and blah)

Okay, wow... the past month has been quite a big step forward for me..! My mood has been somewhat better thanks to the group therapy, I mean there’s still times where I still feel really bad and there’s still much to improve on, but I feel I’ve made a nice amount of progress!

I feel like I’m more active in countering my negative thoughts and a little more confident in myself in regards to going out and communicating especially since I have a job now. The timing for starting the therapy was super good as it got me back into sort of going outside and talking to people again which is something needed for having a job, of course.

Time has flown by and I am almost at my last one or two sessions of the therapy. It kind of feels like I’m graduating or something, I’m a little sad about leaving and I’ll kind of miss it and the people, but it has left a lasting impression on me. The whole experience has been very pleasant and beneficial. I’m super glad I didn’t cop out and just continued going, because I’ve learned some more useful things, felt more at ease being to relate and share things with others (though not too deeply) and have just felt a lot more hopeful and positive about the future.

It’s so crazy how deep you can spiral and get trapped when you’re always holed up in your own head. I’m by no means cured but I can spot a lot more of my unhealthy habits and thoughts and try to counter or let them drift away before they wreak havoc. Sometimes it’s more about accepting that it’s normal to sometimes think negatively or worry, to acknowledge your thoughts and not exert so much stress on trying to repress them, but rather to just sit back, observe and refocus at your own pace. There’s no use beating yourself up all the time, many things are not your fault or are difficult to control anyways.

There has been some small homework and recap material each session but it was nowhere near as pressured or scary as the stuff from the 1-on-1 sessions I had in the past. My impression of that was much more negative as opposed to the group therapy I am taking now, though I have been able to gain some information and progress from both, it’s just the group therapy approach definitely suits me much better. 

Again, if 1-on-1 hasn’t been much help there’s still many chances and different approaches to take to getting better and this group method is just one of them. Don’t give up! Life is a journey all about finding things that suit you. You’re unique and not everything that works for some will for others and vice versa but there will definitely be something for you, you just haven’t found it yet! ^^ 

I’m glad it exists and I’m very thankful to the people that run it and the people that attend it. They’re all so friendly and kind and really deserve all the good things. I probably won’t encounter any of them again but I won’t forget them and the small connections we made during sessions. It feels so nice to know I’m not the only one thinking this or that, to feel like I have a sort of belonging somewhere and that it’s a supportive group effort that benefits us all.

A big running theme or well, common worry of all attendees is worrying about what other people think. That semi-shocked me but at the same time made me feel so much more normal. Such a thought has so much power over everyone, when really it isn’t important and shouldn’t be given so much attention. What other people think doesn’t matter, doesn’t make you less of who you are. Besides, most of the time people are in their own world, much like how you yourself are. 

Worrying often makes mole hills(or even non-existent ones) into mountains. It’s okay to worry, it’s part of being a living, thinking, feeling human. It’s just best not to let yourself get too caught up in your head and to spend more time outside of it doing the things that really matter to you that make you happy and grow instead of feel bad and crush you. A lot of things are temporary and there’s still so much time that you should get to spend really living in and enjoying. 

Breaking out of the never-ending negative cycles is hard, but I believe in you! I still have a long way to go but this was definitely the starting push I needed to feeling better and getting out of that ditch I’d been sitting in for so long. Let’s keep going! Getting more knowledgeable, strong and positive every day, we can do it!

In other good news, I started my job! I spent so much time worry and avoiding in the past, feeling mentally unprepared and afraid but like most things, they’re not as scary as you mind makes out them to be. Sure, I was super nervous about it but also excited. This was something I had been waiting for to happen for so long, a big goal and step forward for me. 

I kept delaying applying but I finally did it, went to interviews and landed a job. I had some fails and it took a while with all the baby steps forward, but I’m glad I took them and have learned a lot in the process too. I’m still only in the baby stages of my career but everything has a starting point and I’m happy to have reached it! :D 

I’m glad I didn’t give up even when things were looking bleak! Life is unpredictable but that’s what makes it exciting and all the more challenging. I believe in myself so much more now that I’ve proved to myself I am capable and that things are almost never as hard as you think, though this will probably catch me out many more times, but it’s just an unhealthy thinking habit that needs time to diffuse and unlearn.

When I started my job, the information given wasn’t that great and I made mistakes (especially because I was uniformed on some things) but things can be learned as you go along and it’s quite invigorating being able figure things out and learn them myself instead of being spoon-fed. 

I still get nervous and make many other small mistakes, but it’s all part of the learning experience. With repeated exposure, things get easier and this is certainly the case. I feel I get more and more confident every time I go to work, even with the mistakes and embarrassing newbie things I’ve done, but everyone has been there, done that so it’s really no big deal and shouldn’t be dwelled on.

I’m starting small only going once or twice a week for short shifts, but hopefully I’ll start going for more or even find a second different job I can take on later. Things have really started getting in motion and I feel proud of myself and maybe my family feels that way too. Continuing to push forward and to break out of my comfort zone is hard but I’m gonna make it! I’m gonna be the very best, that no one ever was! Lol!

In regards to my physical health lately, it still hasn’t been great but despite this, I’m glad I can still move forward in other ways. I have been actively going to the doctors to try sort out things though, I’m hoping there can be some good outcomes, the same with my parents and their problems too. Health is important! Look after yourself the best you can, get help if you need it!

With the stuff about being creative and being online, I still haven’t progressed much there because I’ve been focusing all my efforts on the above things, but it’s still very much in my mind. It was even part of my goals discussed briefly in the group therapy. I’m still getting caught in that perfectionist paralysis, but it’s just another hurdle on the road I haven’t gotten round to getting over. I will get there though! 

I did do some small creative things, not as much as I would’ve liked, but any progress no matter how small is still progress! Like I mentioned before it’s more about being less in your mind and more in the present, more action, less thinking! Nothing ventured nothing gained! Prove yourself and your thoughts wrong! I really want to eat spaghetti!

I think here is a good point to end this post. I was dreading writing it again as always, but as always, I’m also very glad I did it despite this. I feel like I didn’t have to think quite as hard to write this time’s post, like it was less mentally draining. Maybe it’s just because I genuinely had more things to talk about or maybe because I’m feeling more positive and less foggy, maybe it’s both!

Anyways, keep at it! Nothing changes if nothing is done and you have many awesome things in reach ahead of you. Keep going, keep growing! Let’s thrive together! ^w^

Take care and have an invigorating and productive month!

#avpd #social anxiety #depression #mental health #group therapy #nothing ventured nothing gained #things aren't always as hard as they seem #don't be so hard on yourself #no time is wasted if you're always learning #you're stronger thank you think #it's okay for things to not be perfect #live in the present #look after yourself and your loved ones #don't give up #keep going #do what makes you happy #believe in yourself #you can do it!

[sanguinesprout]

Stay strong throughout the storms! You’ll be greeted by the warm sunlight when it’s over! ☀️

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#reblog #chibird #things are temporary #it gets better #things take time to happen #you're stronger thank you think #keep going #you can do it!

[sanguinesprout]

Spots of sunshine breaking through (group therapy, job updates and blah)

Hoho, quite a bit happened this past month and most of it was kinda good stuff too! My mood lately has been, pretty average, though a little bit better I guess. Physically I’ve been really not great, so please excuse the shoddiness of this post, ugh.

First off, I started going to the group therapy. I have gone for 3 sessions already and have about 5 left. My initial feelings were reluctance and avoidance and kind of still are but I think I’ve kind of settled in a bit better now and am set on completing the full course!

The first session was well, kinda uncomfortable and I didn’t really know what to expect but the content was pretty good (though I felt like the session was dragging sometimes). There were very very few other people there, just a small handful but they were friendly and so were the staff, the mood is very chipper and pleasant and there is no pressure to have to answer or reveal things you don’t want to.

I probably won’t be able to explain all the stuff from the sessions just maybe bring more of a general account of the experience kind of thing. The content of the sessions helps you rethink about things, CBT style stuff.  It’s definitely something that would be the most beneficial to experience in person of course because there are practical elements to it that really help solidify and explain some of the teachings. So, if you have the opportunity to attend group therapy, I would definitely recommend you give it a try, it’s not as scary or weird as you may think it sounds and is definitely not like how it is presented on tv, it’s way more loose and casual. I think I prefer it much more than the 1-on-1 type of counselling, it just feels so much more relaxed and educational.

When it came to the second session the following week, I was debating whether to quit or not, but I told myself to give it another try at least. My avoidance was beginning to get in the way of my progress, but if I submit to it, I’ll just be going backwards. There really are lots of beneficial things from therapy, it would definitely be a waste to not take them on board. So I went and it was fine, I learned more things, I talked a little more, I settled in more.

The third time I considered quitting again, but I told myself to stop being silly. Any small discomforts I have and any small comfort I get from not going is nothing compared to missing all the awesome things I could be learning. What also really drove me not to was the fact that the session for the week was focused on avoidance, to avoid it would be like the ultimate meta/ironic thing. The things shared in this session was really helpful, showed me the bad cycle I put myself through and its repercussions.

The sessions are really quite casual, you get to chat to each other, relate to lots of things and discuss. I tried my best to converse and contribute as much as possible. At first I felt I really didn’t fit in because the other attendees seemed so much more mature than me and are a different stage of life kind of feeling, but there are still lots of things we think and feel in common with regards to anxiety/depression, I’m glad I was able to get along with them though I’m probably still very awkward lol.

I do get some worksheets to do as homework but they’re only discussed very briefly at the beginning of the next session and like with other stuff there’s no pressure to do or share any of it. It’s kinda bad but I do it last minute, bad bad me. I’m hoping to get through all the other sessions okay and actually start making some real healthy progress for myself.

In other things... omg! I actually had an interview for another retail job super similar to my last fail and actually got the job! I did try my best and I tried to be more prepared for the interview and welp, I did it!! :D The thing is, it’s the most minimal part time job in terms of days and hours, but it’s something! The minimal-ness is definitely a fitting starting point for me too! I start very soon but I’m kinda worried how I’ll perform because of my health, it’s never been good and has been going pretty downhill lately ;; Still I want to succeed really hard!

I know that it will definitely be a good opportunity for me career-wise and social-wise so I’m gonna try my best. I’ll still be looking out for other additional jobs and applying too if I can though. I’m kinda excited and predictably nervous, but I’m quite optimistic about it for the most part. My family was as surprised as I was, I felt kind of proud, it is an achievement I didn’t think I would reach for a long time. Here’s wishing it all goes well!

As mentioned lately my physical health has just continued to pile new bad things up and up. I’m extremely concerned about my health but help is so limited and slow. I just feel so unlucky in health, it really makes every day harder and my quality of life so much awfuller than it already is. Things are still really slow for my mum and I’m still very concerned about my dad too. It’s just a never ending loop of badness and worry in my family.

In everything else it has been pretty meh, there has been some other nice things happen lately, but it’s been hard to enjoy when constantly ill. My main goal for the present is to get healthy both mentally and physically, I really need to put in a lot more effort though, but I think maybe I’ll get somewhere as long as I keep trying!

Maybe next time’s post will be better and have some stuff I missed out, but for now I guess this is all, I really need to lie down.

Keep learning, growing, fighting! We’ll get there!

Have a great week! ^^

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #group therapy #therapy #nothing ventured nothing gained #things aren't always as hard as they seem #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #be brave #don't overthink #you can do it! #positive thinking #look after yourself and your loved ones

[sanguinesprout]

It’s hard to feel like you’re making progress on a daily or even monthly basis. But if you look back at all the struggles you’ve overcome, and all the amazing accomplishments you’ve had and journeys you’ve taken in your life, you have a lot to be proud of. ❤️️✨

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#reblog #chibird #keep going #keep growing #nothing ventured nothing gained #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #go go go!

[sanguinesprout]

A little possibility of sunshine between rain showers (group therapy prep, updates n blah)

Hmm, sooo...! Last month has been quite dreary, much like my mood and I feel like not much interesting stuff happened, but let’s see...

The main thing was I had a small phone chat with the group therapy person, it was just for them to get an idea if the therapy would suit and be beneficial to me so I did one of those depression/anxiety scale things that I’ve done many times before and told them my ratings. They totalled it up and welp, severe depression and anxiety ahoy! As it’s always been, ugh. This was also done because after therapy they wanna see if my scores improve.

While on the phone I was kinda nervous and before that was just dreading having to do a phone call. What made it worse was my sis came in the room and was bustling about for the majority of the call, it felt really uncomfortable and I was kinda annoyed at my sis, because I told her about this appointment well in advance, but she said she was too busy doing her own stuff and didn’t hear any of the stuff that was said...

After they explained a bit more about the group therapy course they invited me in to talk even more about it the next week. Tbh it felt mostly ehhh and long-windedly unnecessary and repetitive but knowing some extra small details about the kinda stuff to go over and the person that will be there kinda makes me feel more prepared and at ease I guess? That probably sounded super ungrateful...

The basic gist is that there will be 8 weekly sessions in total that will go over some different thought pattern/behaviours that will hopefully lead to healthier and more positive ways of thinking. I was assured that it has been very effective for most and even saw some short testimonials of previous attendees on a print out that looked quite promising. I filled in some other small quiz sheets too.

Oh, before I forget, when on the phone I briefly got asked about my sort of worries and background and I remember mentioning the possibility of having AVPD and the reaction was kinda... hmm... well, they said something like that labelling isn’t such a good thing for most and diagnosis doesn’t actually lead very far in terms of resolving it, as it doesn’t have a special treatment specific to it. I already know this, but it’s more so just like the confirmation that something has been affecting me/has a name would put me at ease a little.

In the in-person talk this was kinda brung up again and they told me about what they kinda knew about it and the same sort of short discussion happened but they were very understanding about it and said that maybe I do have it, but in the case of any personality disorder to not let myself think it’s forever and that in studies they saw, people have actually been able to overcome them some years later. (Or maybe it’s something to do with age too, like I have heard that it can lessen over time before, who knows~) Either way, it’s always best to keep a positive outlook!

My initial impression of the therapy course and person running it is pretty alright so far. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much incase it doesn’t work out that well for me, but as I said in my last post, I’ve got to at least give it a try! 

Compared to the 1-on-1 therapy this actually sounds less stressful, like there’s no pressure to do things or say things or have written homework type stuff. I’m still worried about being around other people, talking in front and to them and about feelings/thoughts especially, but as said before and seen in the testimonials, we’re all pretty much in the same boat and we’re all just human the same.

When I mentioned this time’s therapy to my mum this time she didn’t really have much of a reaction, but I felt she didn’t mind it and had maybe some silent/respectful support kind of thing going on as she and my sis took me there and decided to shop til I was done. I know she cares and worries about me a lot and I did progress a little from last time’s counselling, maybe she changed her view on it since then, that’s great.

Talking about my mum, her health is still not great (though better than before) and I am worried the hospital has still not contacted for further examination or news like they said they would. She has mentioned this to the doctors and they are to write to them on her behalf though, I hope they have not forgotten about her :c Both my parents are so worrisome. My dad is still not making any changes to his lifestyle, sacrificing comfort things in the present for good health in the future just doesn’t seem to be on the table for him. I know it’s hard to do this but me and my sis are just still so concerned.

In job related news, nothing much has happened. I’ve applied to some things, mostly repeats of ones I never heard back from and got a few rejections for others. Job prospects is still looking bleak as ever. My sis ended up quitting her recent additional job because it just wasn’t worth the damage to her health and my family and me are glad she did. Her experience was not so great, but at least she tried it and knows what it’s like now (pretty trashy lol).

In my own health updates, ugh... more and more bad stuff just keeps piling on, but at least I’ve been getting it checked out. I need to make more changes to my own lifestyle too. I’m hoping that if a lot of my long term physical health are actually caused or exacerbated by my mental health that they’ll be alleviated somewhat when I get my mental health more on track. C’mon group therapy, do your magic! Kidding, it should be silly self, fight fight fight and toss those negative and unhealthy thoughts far out of orbit! Absorb and radiate all the positivity possible!

When talking on the phone to the group therapy person they did ask about any health problems and worries I had and as I’ve heard before, they have been linked to things like anxiety and depression, so it does make sense why both my mental and physical health seemed to get worse together, though it’s also kinda logical how one would affect the other. I just hope both improve soon!

In other news, I haven’t done much productive or creative/leisure stuff. I keep looking back on things I’ve already done and feeling a bit proud and motivated but then it just gets crushed again by my fears. Or I keep wanting to do something but feel it is a waste of time or I’m not in the mood/am lacking energy to do it. The first step to anything is always the most difficult, but overthinking before even doing that prevents it from happening at all. Don’t think just do! (Why is it so hard..?)

Well, I guess that’s all the updates I have for now. I was really considering stopping this blog again but it would just be bad and wasted effort. It was tough to get started but I wrote it! And I’ll keep writing and updating until I have gotten to the point where I really feel I don’t need to, ie. when things are really looking up and my troubles are gone lol. Who knows when that’ll be, but I gotta keep going!

The amount I write isn’t really all that much but it’s just so hard to get it out at first. But if I write exactly like how I do when I think to myself or as I think to myself it kinda feels more like transcribing rather than having to pull things outta thin air or maybe it’s my head full of air haha.

Anyways, the time to be more positive is always right now in the present! Doing anything is better than nothing at all! Overthinking is unnecessary! Believe in yourself and do all the stuff! Go go go!

Enjoy your summer!

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #anxiety #therapy #thoughts #don't overthink #just do it! #baby steps #nothing ventured nothing gained #look after yourself and your loved ones #mental health #physical health #lift yourself up with positivity #believing in yourself is the best way to grow

[sanguinesprout]

Don’t let your negative and insecure thoughts take over! You have the power to replace them with more supportive, positive words! 💛

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#reblog #chibird #cute #positive thinking #don't be so hard on yourself #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #optimism ftw! #Believe in yourself #be your own best source of support

[sanguinesprout]

Some storms have passed, hopefully it’ll be warmer soon (updates and blah)

Um, welp... this may be my late-st post yet, that’s something new I guess lol, it ain’t so bad. I was seriously considering not posting this month but I know if I don’t stick to some sort of schedule then I’ll get too lazy and all past efforts will just be lost. At first I was busy for a few days, then I remembered and felt lazy some and then I forgot for some more days, but I’m here now and Imma write this post hoo!

I had another kind of argument and cry involving my sis but it was from a misunderstanding and it was brief and the make up was fast. I still find it hard to express my true feelings to her and her words still cut so strikingly hurtful and are seemingly insensitive at times, but some of mine must’ve hurt her just as bad too. When will I be able to speak my true mind? It’s just so difficult... but in time, with some work I really hope for that to be possible. 

Lately, I’ve been more active on getting my health problems sorted out, making and going to appointments and stuff. Well, none of the problems have actually been sorted out yet, as previously attempted, but I gotta keep pushing about them to hopefully get a better sort of resolution this time. I also went to some other health appointments I had being putting off, as with a lot of things, they weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be, which is good and good of me to finally do them ^^ Avoiding and not doing anything accomplishes nothing after all and again health is super important!

One of the appointments was to a mental health advisor person. The funny thing is I was inadvertently recommended to see them when I was investigating some physical problems. I kinda was hopeful that maybe I’d get referred somewhere better than last time’s super general counsellor by this advisor but uhhh nope. They smiled a lot and asked me how I generally was and a few tidbits about my past and then everything else was just some very general stuff about changing the way you think blah blah. I brung up AVPD, asked if there was anyone I could see who specialised in personality disorders but it was pretty much brushed off, which really sucked. 

At the end they asked if maybe I was interested in mindfulness/anxiety-reducing group therapy sessions and gave me some brief printouts with info. My first instinct would be to avoid like hell at the mention of being in a group, I was kind of irked by it and they noticed but they said to think about it and let them know next week. I also asked if there was someone else I could see 1-on-,1 but as they could see on record I already went to see someone last time (which I guess is the only thing of that they have) there was no luck there.

I’m debating whether to go or not, it could be helpful, there actually isn’t anything to lose. I’m just super paranoid about accidentally meeting someone I knew there (which is pretty irrational and who cares really ‘cause we’re in the same boat kinda thing). Also that I’ll have to give lots of info about myself to strangers, but the sheets say you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to/contribute as little or as much as you like, so that took away some of my uneasiness.

I can’t say it’ll be worth it or not unless I try it of course, a new experience and going out is good at least. I think maybe I will research it some more, then maybe go at least for one session just to see if I like it... hmm. Be brave me! You’ll be okay!

There were two groups I got handouts on, they’re both kind of similar but not. I assume I can only attend one, which one to choose? Maybe I’ll ask for more details when I next see the advisor. I’m proud of myself for going to the advisor foremost, I was pretty anxious and ready to avoid them at first lol.

I’m still very concerned about my family’s health :c My mum has been doing somewhat better, test results are slightly positive but still iffy and more follow-up tests are needed. The wait for those is long, it’s saddening and all the more scary. I really hope she’ll be okay. I wish I was stronger and could help out more. I really need to help myself faster and then help everyone else as soon as I can.

My dad’s health has actually been worse lately, we’ve been noticing some extra symptoms and even he has mentioned not feeling well and we keep telling him to see the doctor but he’s still super reluctant to. But even once he wondered to us if he should go after all. Being scared of going to the doctor or being scared of the increasing toll your health could be taking? I know which one of those I find worse. Maybe I should be more tricky like I did the previous times making appointments for him or at least try more convincing.

My sis’ health has not been too great lately either, she took on a second job and it’s very draining physically and she doesn’t get as much sleep but she does it because we need the extra financial help. I don’t like that it’s taking a strain on her health, it’s both physically and mentally stressful. I definitely agree she should quit if it really is too much. I need to hurry and get a job, things aren’t looking too great for me lately though, no more interview offers as of yet and not many application opportunities out there.

The job my sis got is actually the one I mentioned last time, which I was also invited to interview for. The ‘interview’ was just an extremely long winded talk with about only enough time for you to say maybe a few sentences about yourself in a room of a few people. Their whole system and just everything is extremely unorganised and so slap dash. The appointment dates were messed up and the interviewer had not seen any of our CV’s so all he had to go on to decide was the few lines we uttered pretty much.

As my sis works there now, she’s been telling me of how that disorganised-ness and everything literally encompasses and translates to the whole store and all its’ staff’s less than ideal work attitudes. I seriously thought such a big company would’ve been so much better than this, it’s really disappointing and makes me like it so much less. In a way, I’m kind of glad I was rejected, it’s like I dodged a bullet and with my health I would’ve struggled ten-fold 

I was disappointed with myself when I gave my few lines about myself in the ‘interview’. We were asked mostly what our career experience was and I really didn’t have much at all. I also answered briefly because I was one of the first to be asked. Just sitting there while everyone else went through their long list of past jobs and duties, man, it sucked and totally pushed me far out of the orbit of consideration lol. I was proud of myself at least for enduring the long-ass talks and for engaging and asking questions and keeping my cheery face on, good me.

In other things I kind of cut contact with the few online ‘friends’ I had been awkwardly avoiding and being scared to get rid of for so long. I was so anxious about it for so many years and had resorted to just not visiting that place at all but now that weight has pretty much been lifted. I still feel riddled with guilt and feel sad about it, but they weren’t really ‘friend friends’ more like acquaintances from a past mutual interest, so I shouldn’t feel so bad. I can’t believe all the energy I wasted fretting and overthinking, to them it was probably nothing as they have many other more important friends. People move on and people find new friends and interests, it happens all the time and it’s okay, it’s just life.

If something is hurting you or making you uncomfortable, just let it go, get rid of it for the sake of yourself and your health. It might hurt someone by doing so, but not doing so and letting yourself be hurt so much is no good either. That’s what a different friend told me and they are probably the only one I still keep in contact with now. I guess I got so caught up in being afraid to hurt some people a little that I forgot I was hurting myself a lot in the process. 

Even with the good friend though, it’s... awkward and uncomfortable still in a way, I’m not sure if’s just me or maybe if it’s them a little. I feel like maybe they only still talk to me to be nice. That they reply only out of obligation, but I’ve asked them this and they’ve denied it kind of... Tbh I feel like I wanted to cut contact with them too sometimes but I couldn’t and I probably wouldn’t. 

I can’t be sure if that’s just the avoidant and irrational part of me talking. You know, all the bad stuff floating in my head telling me I’m a nuisance to others, not worth talking to, awkward and just all these things putting myself down in general when it comes to communication and worth, I shouldn’t believe it. None of it is really true. Why is it so easy to believe these lies and irrational thoughts?

I am good and I am worthy, I have the choice to let go of things and believe in things that I want to, and I want these things to be positive and true, not negative and irrational! 

In other creative/leisure blah I have just not had the mood or energy to do much at all and it really blows because there’s still so much I haven’t done yet. I don’t want to keep being afraid of everything >< I did manage to do the tiniest bit of sewing again, things went wrong again and it was stressful but it kind of went okay in the end, so yay!

I’ve been kind of trying to build up the courage to sort of interact and be present more online, though the action hasn’t happened yet. It’s what happens when I take a break from something, the fear just builds up again and I’m back to square one. I feel like as with the previous mentioned stuff about friends and just kind of existing in places I didn’t want to be, that my slate has partially been wiped clean, like I can start anew and just be me a bit more in a new place. It’s only partially though, I still feel held back by all the bad feels and guilt and awkward from just every past interaction and the fear of the new. I need some more pep talk and convincing for myself first, but I will get there!

Something helpful to remember to do is instead of thinking of everything that could go wrong, to instead think of everything that could go right! It really flips over that scary negative feeling into something more nice and motivating. In the case of what I’m trying to do, it’s something I’ve already done before, so I’ve proven to myself I can do it already. Doing things is not actually that hard or scary, just don’t overthink everything and look to the positives rather than the negatives! Apply this more more more!

I think here’s a good place to stop now. As with every time... I did it, I wrote the post after putting it off so long, yay! 8D

I will try to remind myself the best I can, to be positive, be brave and be me! 

You too! Keep going! Up up up!

Have a positive and productive week! :D

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #social awkwardness #positive thinking #look after yourself and your loved ones #things aren't always as hard as they seem #it's okay for things to not be perfect #don't overthink #try your best! #let positivity shine through #be brave #do what makes you happy

[sanguinesprout]

A very soft and chubby cat with an important reminder for self love! ♡

Pre-order my book Loading Penguin Hugs! 

#reblog #chibird #don't be so hard on yourself #do what makes you happy #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #go go go!

[sanguinesprout]

A glimmer of sunshine on a chilly spring day, possibility of a rainstorm later (Updates and blah)

A month flew by again, I can’t remember much of what happened other than that it started with another huge argument between me and my sis again. I had a long cry, reflected on things and let all the negativity seep out and diffuse like other times, something I needed to refocus myself. This time for sure I know I was in the wrong and it was all over something small and petty. I don’t know why I was being so irrational and it just made me hate myself and my messed up mental state all the more. 

The good thing from this though is I’m a lot more aware of another of my irrational sorts of thoughts/behaviours. It’s a fear much like everything else holding me back. Well, I see you now and every time you pop up, I’m going to try my best to shove you far far aside and prove you wrong!

One thing that happened during the argument was that my dad came to see what happened and even though I tried hard to hide it, like I always do, he saw me crying... This was such a big deal in my mind, like I can’t ever show this part of me, it makes me feel like I’m weak. Like it’s so taboo because my parents never show this side of them and because I’m an adult now too it just feels...idk maybe something disappointing to them..? 

The other thing is it’s awkward because they don’t know how to react. I just pushed him away. I shouldn’t feel this way though, it just perpetuates it, it’s okay to cry and be seen crying, to seek comfort and be human! I wish it wasn’t so hard, but because it’s the way it’s always been, it’s even more difficult to change. Emotional support is just something that wasn’t there, but I want it to be for all of us. Anyways, like all arguments go, we made up later on but I was the one to apologise first, because it was mostly my fault after all.

Something else came up that has been really difficult and saddening lately. My mum is ill. Not the passing common type of illness but something much more serious and I’m so worried and sad for her. Me and my family tried my best to look after her when she was too sick to do anything and thankfully she is doing better now with some medications but there’s the matter of having to do many more tests and the long waits for results to find out what is really happening.

I’m really hoping everything is going to be alright, that it is mild if there really is something wrong and that it can be fixed and she can be healthy again. She was trying to be strong and actually never told me the full story because she probably didn’t want me to worry more and because it’s difficult, but she told my sister and my sister told me. 

Just like before, I wish we could be there for each other properly. I’ll try my best to comfort her and reassure her as I have been doing, I won’t tell her I know what my sister told me, though it’ll probably be out later on. I don’t want her to be sad or ill, I need to take care of them better, take on more responsibilities. It’s crucial that I get a job asap and/or that I learn the skills needed to take over in the worst case. I just really hope it won’t get to that.

In other less glum events, I went to the interview for the retail job I mentioned in the last post. I actually tried extremely hard this time. I interacted as much as possible, talked and answered as much as I could. I was actually really proud of myself for really going all out, just tossing my fear aside even though my heart was bursting out of my chest in anxiousness. I tried to be like the people that shone in previous interviews. I’m glad I tried and I’ve grown and learned some more.

The only bad thing was once the group portion of the interview was over, I screwed up my individual interview bad. I blanked and struggled again. Out of the few interviewers I had the strictest and they shot me down on some of my answers, but still I tried. This time I was feeling a little more hopeful, like I actually had more of a chance this time, though the outcome was a rejection a few days later, oh well, I did the best I could at the time.

Upon returning home I went over everything in my head, I saw all the flaws or potential flaws and it felt bad but I won’t linger too long on it. Now that I know what I did wrong and what I did better this time, I can carry this over to my next attempt, keep trying till I get it. Of course there are many more factors than just what is done and said at the interview to choosing the successful candidates, so I can't beat myself about it too much, who knows what reasons others were chosen or why I wasn’t chosen, it could’ve been anything. I’m not that sad about it, it’s just another step on the journey.

Something else that happened since then is that I’ve gotten another interview elsewhere! Another retail job that I think fits me pretty well and I think I might like. It is super super soon and I’m nervous but a little less this time because it is said to not be formal or nerve-wracking like a normal interview, more of a group exercise thing. My sis actually went for the same thing and has informed me that it was exactly as such. I just hope that in the small chance I have to really make an impression, that I do well and that I will be successful. Of course if that doesn’t happen, at least I tried and I’ll keep trying again. Always learning and being able to do better.

I was feeling a bit more confident about my social skills, like I’m not completely inept, just kinda awkward at times, but very friendly and compassionate that’s much more important really. I really want to improve on this and show myself and others that I can communicate well and make friends just like I’ve been able to in the past. I can make it outta this hole, I just need to try more and not let my internal cringing and criticism take hold. What I think of myself is not always what others think. What I notice is not what others notice.

In other ‘leisure/educational/creative’ events, I tried a little more sewing and it’s hard and I was scared to do things wrong and welp, things went wrong, but that’s part of the learning process. I know to research and prepare better next time. I also did a little art and used materials I’ve been avoiding using because of unfamiliarity (and fear of failure/wastage again) and it actually went okay! It wasn’t perfect but I can tell I improved a little since last time. That’s something nice to know! It was actually a piece for my mum and she liked it, I’m happy, I was hoping it could maybe cheer her up a bit ^^

A little more motivation, a little more showing myself it’s okay to make mistakes and to be less afraid of just trying. More action, less overthinking! This is the way to go! If only my motivation and energy wells weren’t always running so low by default... even in this state, things must go on, I need to push onwards!

C’mon I can do this, do all the things important to life AND important to me! Nothing changes if I don’t actually do anything. Nothing ventured nothing gained!

Okay, I’m feeling a lot more motivated now. I should do something productive while I still feel alright! Go go go!

Have a fresh and productive spring start! :D

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #feelings #family #irrational fears #nothing ventured nothing gained #no time is wasted if you're always learning #prove yourself wrong #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #things aren't always as hard as they seem #don't overthink #believe in yourself

[sanguinesprout]

There isn’t just one path that represents success- there are hundreds of possibilities, and they all look different! 🌱✨

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[sanguinesprout]

Some rain showers and a spot of sunshine (small updates and blah)

Hmm... dang... the past month was pretty not great. I had another argument with my sis to start it off and it was really really upsetting, but now I can’t even remember what it was even about. I shut myself away and had a long hard cry and all the bad thoughts just leeched out and kept crushing me but in the end I remembered that ‘I’m stronger than this’, ‘these thoughts are no good for me’. I got through it and maybe I even needed that kind of emotional release, phew!

My physical health has been horrendous as of late, I feel like I jinxed myself, but it’s just another push to keep trying to get better. I haven’t been all that productive since I’ve just been in pain most of the time. I’ve had a bunch of doctors appointments and well, things can’t be resolved so fast in the limited time I have with them but I’m slowly getting somewhere, so I guess that’s much better than nothing.

I seriously spend so much time worrying over my health, but health is important and affects everything. I just feel like there’s so much wrong and there’s not enough time to fix it. The longer it goes on, the worse the problems get and the more worrisome it all becomes :< On a slight more positive note, I got to see the new doctors there and they seem pretty alright, just the amount of reassuring, patient and helpful I’m okay with, which is much better than the older ones that just sneer and fob you off, hah.

In job stuff I’ve still been checking for vacancies, applied to a few and I actually got 2 interviews for a places I quite like which was super surprising! The first one I had to sort of decline for now as it was just too inconvenient (both the job and interview location) but I might still have a chance to try for a closer location with the same unfinished application if that pops up, so all is not lost, I just need to remember to keep an eye on it!

The second place I got invited for an interview is a very good job choice for me. the interview is very soon and I’m really quite anxious about it as it is a group interview and I already feel so small and inadequate, but I can’t give up! I just need to try my best and no matter what happens, at least I tried. (Unless...I need to cancel it and just not go because I am too ill/in pain which would be such a big waste of an opportunity, but it’s something unpredictable and not really in my control though... I hope I will be well enough ahhh ><)

Seeing the situation of my family and their health (especially lately) and just general life has been weighing down extra heavily. The more I realise the struggles and the sacrifices they all go through every day, the more I see I need to do something about it and feel so guilty and burdensome. Everything just seems so unfair and is heartbreaking to witness, but at the same time I am feeling a lot more inspired to be as strong and persevering as they are. 

My struggles feel so insignificant and irrational compared to all the real problems out there, but I can’t let myself ignore them because they still deserve attending to too. I need to be more active about everything, keep going, baby steps. For everyone to be happy and healthy, that’s my ultimate goal!

The desire to blog and do creative or what I consider leisure type things keeps fading away because it’s not a priority and I just can’t find the energy or push away the guilt of not putting the important things first, but when I have got things more steady and sunny I really want to try a lot and have fun. These things can wait, they’ll still be there for me later on, so I shouldn’t worry myself about them too much. 

I need to take things slowly and few at a time, don’t beat myself up over everything I can’t do right now. I do deserve some leisure time too though, everybody does, I just need to keep a better balance of my time and learn to multi-task better because I stress out easily when faced with multiple things and end up avoiding everything instead.

I’m still doing those little survey and study things and have earned a little bit more pocket money, but I am bad at saving it away. Money is hard to come by, I should be more strict with it, especially considering my situation and my family’s. I am trying to declutter and sell things I do not need, but even that takes a lot of effort, I’m going pretty slowly about that too. I keep wanting to make things perfect, but that doesn’t even matter, just do it! Ahhh I’m such a frustrating person... Q^Q

I still notice I’m apprehensive of writing details of things I mention but many of them are negative things I don’t want to remember. Opening up is still hard, the paranoia of being recognised is still there, the fear of judgement too. The words and actions of someone close lately that has limited time left really stuck with me though. ‘Life is short, why choose to spend it unhappily?’. They choose to spend it doing things that make them and others happy, they have many worries but they don’t let them get in the way of them truly living and that’s amazing.

All this fear and avoidance amounts to nothing in the end, what people say or think of me doesn’t matter, it doesn’t bear any real weight on who I am or what I’m worth, only I have control of this. I don’t know how long I’ll have, life is unpredictable, so I should live more happily and not let these silly things hold me back. Who cares if someone recognises me, or thinks this or that about me? The world still goes on, life goes on and so should I. Be strong and resilient!

I think I’ll stop here for now. I feel kinda mixed right now, glum but with motivation renewed, but it’s much better than me just being miserable like I have been the past days.

C’mon I can do this! Keep going! Mood up! Motivation up!

Let’s fight the fear, grow a lot and live happily! ^^

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #feelings #self-motivation #don't be so hard on yourself #you are strong #you are worthy #it's okay for things to not be perfect #no time is wasted if you're always learning #things aren't always as hard as they seem #nothing ventured nothing gained #better late than never #make yourself proud #do what makes you happy #don't give up! #you can do it!

[sanguinesprout]

To a small bug, your day is a very big success! 🎉

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#reblog #chibird #keep going #you can do it!

[sanguinesprout]

It’s icy and foggy out, but it won’t stop me (updates and other thoughts)

Ah hah... I kinda remembered and then forgot/put off writing this post a couple times over, but it’s fine ‘cause I’m doing it now. The past month or so was a tiny bit exciting and quite a bit disappointing lol. 

Health-wise it’s been pretty same-y, not so good but not the worst, but..! I am making an effort to go to the drs to try sort out more of my long time physical health worries, because health is important and time is of the essence! I hope things go well, I’ve already researched the heck out of what I finally think it could be, but would like the confirmation and advice. Putting off checking on things just lets the problem get worse, it’s best to try resolve it or at least know more about it and gain some peace of mind. Look after yourself, you only have one body and good health is of vital importance!

Oh ack! I just remembered though, my favourite, super nice doctor left before christmas. I was sad to see them go but I hope they are able to have a well deserved rest and I wish them all the best. I feel kind of regretful that I didn’t thank them even more than I did, but it was just so sudden, I was kinda taken aback and blanked. Anyways, I’ll always be super grateful for their help, it really meant a lot to me that they were so genuinely kind and helpful to me and everyone else. If only there were more people as awesome them (esp. drs, which is such a rarity). I’m going to see one of the new drs, who knows, maybe they’ll be nice too (anyone and everyone is better than the one I had a few years back ugh lol)

Onto the job related stuff where the smol excite happened. I was invited for an interview in the retail place I wanted. It was my third time applying to them and my third interview ever, but unfortunately it was third time UNlucky. I think I only got the opportunity for interview because of my sis(she works there already) but I’m still really happy that I had the chance to experience it at least and I did try my very best this time, which I am really proud of and she was too :’)

When I met the other candidates, I initiated conversation and was super nice, inquisitive and complimentary (maybe a bit too much orz it’s such a cringey habit). The people were all super nice and everything but hearing their work credentials and feeling their confidence really made me feel how lacking I am. Like I kind of knew I didn’t really have much of a chance but this just solidified it lol. Despite this I still really tried my best with conversing with candidates, doing the practical and the interview (which was slightly more laid back and friendly than the previous ones, thank goodness).

I think overall I had all the right kind of enthusiasm but was just lacking in general work experience. I’m not mad that I didn’t make it, because it’s only logical they’d want people with more experience, besides other candidates didn’t get through either hah. I know there were parts that I made small slip ups, and parts where I sounded really derpy and naive, and for a long while later I kept mulling on them but before that I had such a boost of mood, because I tried really hard and that is such a big achievement in itself for me ^^ Next time I’ll try even harder! I can do it! Everyone can do it!

I haven’t really done much art or productive things lately, but I did start doing the online survey/study type things and have made some nice pocket money (as well as some from selling random unwanted things) ^^ Something is better than nothing, I’m actually surprised that they really work and the pay out is slightly more than I expected. Though I still view small amounts of money as a lot when really they aren’t at all and I spent quite a bit of money lately on unnecessary but nice things, but I’ll try harder to resist and save better from now on. It’s imperative especially in the situation of my family and living space :<

I haven’t been talking or interacting with anyone online or irl besides my family and that’s no good. I’m falling back so deeply into the comforts of avoidance, but it...idk I just feel like such a bother, such an unlikeable weirdo, it just makes it so hard to try, but I do want to. I feel really guilty for always looking and admiring people’s content without reciprocating more than a like and sometimes not even that, but I’m just so scared and ashamed of everything I say and do...

C’mon me, you did better than this previously! Don’t let all these stupid thoughts convince you that you aren’t worthy to be heard or connect with others! Conversation, comments and other interaction is appreciated and desired, don’t feel like you are a bother. Think of things from another’s point of view. Don’t worry about what others may think, especially in a negative light as it is probably not anything remotely like that either. Just go for it! Build back your confidence, fight the avoidance, make people smile!

Posting my own content has also been forever pushed back too, the first step is always the hardest, why can’t I just will myself to take it..? I don’t want my life to continue to be controlled by fear and self-loathing and sabotaging and everything other negative possible. I need to try harder to change and to remember not to be so hard on myself. Fears can be beaten, the irrational thoughts can be rationalised, self esteem can improve and good habits can replace the bad. Baby steps as always but never stopping, I want to get to a place where I can truly do the things I want to and feel good about myself. Don’t give up! Keep going!

I need to reinforce all the good stuff, even just re-read my own writing but tbh I kind of avoid visiting my own blog, because even though I’m starting to write out my feelings and things a bit more truthfully, I still feel so much shame. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, this too is a great achievement, nothing is ever perfect or has to be, just keep trying your best! 

I prove myself wrong all the time, I just don’t take notice of it all. I have many things to be proud of everyday even if they seem so small and insignificant to me or other people. I wrote this post when I thought I wouldn’t be able for the nth time. I even did it without the soothing music I normally use, hah!

I guess I’ll stop here while I still have my mood patched up. There’s some stuff I planned to do today and I’ll do that but also keep in mind the things I’ve been pushing back. It’s never too late, better late than never!

Pats on the back for everyone and their achievements, no matter the size!

Have a cosy and productive, self-loving month! :D

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #mental health #self-motivation #physical health #thoughts #feelings #nothing ventured nothing gained #it's never too late #better late than never #don't be so hard on yourself #challenge the negative #be proud of who you are and what you can achieve #look after yourself and your loved ones #believe in yourself #you can do it!