#I skipped Day 23 as I hate superheroes

[mousai-aesthetics]

30 Days of Aesthetics Day 24 ➼ Movie of Your Childhood: Staying Alive

You wanna dance? You follow my rules! This is not a democracy! You know, you're not exactly the greatest dancer ever to hit Broadway!

#30 day aesthetic challenge #staying alive #movie #80s #I skipped Day 23 as I hate superheroes #sorry #people #nyc #new york city #city #building #Architecture #dance #dancing #text #sign #night #broadyway #john travolta #I love this movie so much #and think it's better then Saturday Night Fever #sorry not sorry

[im-totally-not-an-alien-2]

Halloween prompts year 2 day 23

Au where Danny hides his powers and eldrich nature from his husband Tim and Tim hides his vigilante career from Danny.

Both are very successful and neither suspects a thing. Tim had originally planned to admit to being a hero at some point but they were always either interrupted or it just wasn't the right time and then Danny had mentioned a few times during thier engagement and marriage that he couldn't handle being with a superhero or vigilante and that it was a deal breaker. Unfortunately Tim was already deeply in love and couldn't bare to break up with him so now he lives in fear of Danny finding out and blackmailed the rest of the family into never letting it slip.

Danny is in a similar situation, ever since the portal incident people were afraid of his other half and no matter how hard he tried they always ended up hating him. He loved Tim and couldn't bare the thought of his husband having that same look of terror. Of hate. So he hid. Its all he could do. Back when he and his friends went on that road trip and gained the power of the reality gauntlet he had tried to undo his undeath entirely only to find out Danny had glitches spacetime enough that even if he undid it (which the gauntlet was incapable of doing) he would eventually wind up with the portal opening up on top of him at another date. Call it fate or destiny or whatever you like. He was stuck like this.

So he did the next best thing. He erased any proof he had ever existed. Even from the minds of his own friends. He then skipped town-or in this case universes- and used the gauntlets power to carve out a false identity in this new world full of heroes and hope

Luckly there was no one who could rat him out...until some blond guy in a trenchcoat started following him around the grocery store and talking to him. At first Danny was a little confused and annoyed but when he asked what the blond guy wanted he asked, "I wanna know what you are." And Danny went pale.

Constantine then proceeded to blackmail Danny into helping him with a case or else he would expose his dirty little secret to Tim.

Danny made the a deal, ensuring that it would only be this one time. He told Tim that he was being blackmailed but insinuated that it was something petty between him and some of the other high society house spouses. The kind of drama that Tim always made extra sure to steer clear of. He swore to Tim he was this close to spiking Bethanys muffins with a laxative in retaliation for something and Tim gave helper suggestions for how to do it without being caught while they got ready for the day.

Ever since Alfred passed away it was up to Danny and a few other people to keep the Waynes from falling apart. Honestly, no one realized how much that man did until he wasn't around anymore.

To be fair he pretty much spoiled Tim by picking up after him to the point the man can't function after a few days. If Danny ever had to leave Tim alone for prolonged periods of time he would return to a giant mess and something burning in the kitchen.

Danny would clean, Tim would spew a fountains worth of apologizes, he would forgive Tim (as if he was ever mad in the first place. This just reaffirmed that Tim needed him to protect and care for him, making his core vibrate in happiness) then they would...reacquaint themselves. He nearly shifted forms the first few times this happened. That would be one heck of a way for Tim to find out about his ghost half.

Danny smiled, thinking about those memories. He truly adored Tim and couldn't imagine a life without him. He would just have to make sure this trench coated guy never came anywhere near his precious husband.

John would really like to know what this entity was and what it wanted with the Wayne brat. It couldn't really be in love with the kid, could it? He had personally seen these relationships work out before but there many more he had seen that hadn't. He didn't want to take that risk, so he needed to get close enough to evaluate the situation himelf.

#halloween prompts #dpxdc #prompts #danny fenton #danny phantom #fanfiction prompts #tim drake #brain dead #dead tired #red robin #yum #red robin dc #danny phantom x red robin #married brain dead #married dead tired #does Constantine know that the wayne are the bats in this? you decide #Constantine may have flirted with Danny at some point but danny shut that down fast. He was a monster but not a cheater. #Danny refuses to betray Tim

[joygaytrash]

I posted 1,474 times in 2022

33 posts created (2%)

1,441 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@fangirltothefullest

@sugarglider-s

@woorenergy

@scenebunny

@thepastelpeach

I tagged 222 of my posts in 2022

#joygaytrash - 183 posts

#srb - 38 posts

#inspiration - 23 posts

#dnd characters - 20 posts

#lps - 19 posts

#minecraft - 19 posts

#just your average family - 17 posts

#jyaf - 17 posts

#skyrim - 15 posts

#the elder scrolls - 14 posts

Longest Tag: 87 characters

#there was the one like fantasy gacha game that i had and i don't remember the name 😭😭

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I didn’t post his old ref?? Oh well you get his whorified new ref now

Oh yeah he’s now a bard/fighter multiclass

7 notes - Posted July 26, 2022

#4

[Love Guidance Cast - Pt 1]

GUESS WHO'S BACK?!? That's right, Love Guidance is making a return, and it's now an original story that takes place in the same universe as Just Your Average Family

Although I'm not much into Sanders Sides/Thomas Sanders anymore, I still have so much love for this story and figured I'd make it into an original story to allow myself to expand on it much more and do more with the characters.

But without further ado, let me reintroduce you all to the first three of the cast;

Damian Schmidt; Rumored to be the former vigilante Cobra, is now just a stay at home uncle who helps out his friend, Romeo, with his nephew, Tomas. He's in his mid 30s and pretty much blind in his right eye. He won't say where he got the scar though. Damian just showed up at home one day after being gone for a week when Tomas was in youth with the injury, making Romeo freak, but that's another story for a different day.

Tomas Scott; Just a normal 14 year old trying to survive high school, it’s very possible he has powers much like his dad, Romeo. But he hasn’t shown signs yet. He displays a very main character energy/vibe and it's now his personality in a way. Tomas usually spends his time in the theater department or skipping a class here or there, much to his dad's discretion.

Romeo Scott; Just a tired single dad who’s trying to make it by working as a full time barista at a local cafe downtown. With one touch and by choice, Romeo can put one to sleep. That's his power, even if he sees it more as a curse than a gift. Of course, he tried to be a superhero during his high school days, but that ended up in his lungs almost getting punctured. With how little Romeo uses his power, he sometimes forgets he has one. But sometimes he'll use it on Damian when he stays up too late.

9 notes - Posted November 14, 2022

#3

[Trent Lewis Ref]

Hi this is Trent he hunts monsters and demons and stuff and he’s also half demon himself

Long story

He’s also part of a bigger story my friend is working on

13 notes - Posted March 19, 2022

#2

Tales from the SMP is the only thing keeping me stable and I am fuckin excited for it to come back

I miss my funky time traveler man with memory problems

18 notes - Posted February 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HATE THE BRIARWOODS WHEN DELILAH LOOKS THAT HOT?!?

40 notes - Posted June 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #joygaytrash

[catthecoder]

tag game - get to know me

tagged by the awesome @orangenfrottee - thank you, i haven’t done one of these in ages and these questions sound like so much fun! 💕

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? it’s grey on the back with black handle

2. name a food you never eat - hmm, i used to be such a picky eater but i recently slowly started eating a lot of food i used to despise... if you asked me a few months ago, i could write up a rather long list, but right now? the only thing that comes to mind are picked cucumbers 😬

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold, 100%. somehow, my body stays cold even when it is like 30 degrees, which is hella weird.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? eating lunch! i made bagels with ricotta, ham, cheese, egg and avocado and i had a couple of baby cucumbers along with it (mind you, not pickled ones) and it was super delicious.

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? i think twix is my favourite? or perhaps this slovak bar called ‘horalky’, which is basically wafers with peanut filling and sides dipped in chocolate... god, now i want one so desperately.

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? i used to watch hockey a lot and i’ve been to a couple of games.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?  huh, i think it was my order when i went for coffee a couple of hours ago? (i got a latte and a piece of apple crumble cake, in case anybody’s wondering)

8. what is your favorite ice cream? i could eat ben&jerry every day, so it’s probably their ‘half baked’ or ‘phish food’. also, i’d die for a good mango sorbet.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? plain old water

10. do you like your wallet? i like how small and practical it is..... i’m trying to recall the last time i actually took it out of my backpack and i’m coming very short.

11. what is the last thing you ate? the bagels from question 4!

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i bought a pair of new masks last thursday and they arrived on monday - does that count?

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? haha, does the bake off count as a sporting event? if not, i think it would be some skiing competitions (slalom) last winter - my parents follow them rather closely and it kind of rubs off on me when i’m home with them.

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? salty mixed with sweet!

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? my boyfriend.

16. ever been camping? does setting up a tent in friend’s backyard and sleeping there count? if so, then yes.

17. do you take vitamins? not really... i sometimes take c during autumn for immunity, but i haven’t bought any this year so far... oh, i am taking probiotics right now, though i’m not sure whether that counts as vitamins.

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? no.

19. do you have a tan? no, if i try to tan, i just turn pink (or red). though i’m pretty sure my skin is marginally lighter underneath where i wear my watch.

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza?  if going out, pizza; if i’m cooking, chinese.

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? if there’s ice in it, then yes; otherwise, i tend to skip the straw. 

22. what color socks do you usually wear? black or white.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? gonna be honest and say yes. not by crazy amounts or anything like that, but if i know the road and i can see quite far around and ahead, i will go 10ish% above the limit easily. not gonna lie, it’s especially easy on highways (though i nearly got fined last time i drove, so who knows how i’ll feel about it the next i’ll sit behind the wheel) 

24. what terrifies you? haha, like i’m going to share that.

25. look to your left, what do you see?  a shelf with alcohol bottles, glasses that don’t fit into our kitchen cabinet, an assortment of cameras and other photography equipment and a scanner. oh, and a window.

26. what chore do you hate most? taking out our organic waste bin - it starts smelling very bad very quickly plus the bin for it downstairs hadn’t been taken out in a very long time and it’s always covered by fruit flies and smells veeeery bad and i’m feeling yucky just thinking about it.

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? i think - hah, that person is australian, how cool.

28. what’s your favorite soda? i love san pellegrino. limonata is my go to, but i recently had lemon & mint and my god, that one is amazing.

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? i go in, even if i drove there - i don’t like eating in my car.

30. what’s your favorite number? i’ve always had a special connection to number three, so let’s go with that.

31. who’s the last person you talked to? depends on what you mean by talked to - actually spoke to, with my voice? the bartender at my favourite coffee shop. had a meaningful conversation? probably with a customer service employee who’s helping me resolve an issue. just chatted to, without much of a point? my boyfriend.

32. favorite meat? hmm, probably ham?

33. last song you listened to? i’m currently listening to ‘cigarette daydreams’ by ‘cage the elephant’, though that’s going to change in a minute and half.

34. last book you read? ‘renegades’ by marissa meyer! it was so. good! i started the second book, ‘archnemesis’ yesterday and i’m even more in love. 100% recommend if you’re into superhero stories with secret identities and enemies-to-friends(-to-lovers). such an amazing series.

35. favorite day of the week? what even are days?

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? only crazy people can.

37. how do you like your coffee? oat latte with a bit of honey.

38. favorite pair of shoes? i own way too many shoes to be able to pick a single favourite pair.

39. time you normally get up? between 8:30 and 9:00.

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets.

41. how many blankets are on your bed? none. there is one on the couch though.

42. describe your kitchen plates? we found this kitchen set in tesco after eating from paper plates for at least a week after moving in - there are four bowls, four small plates and four big plates (a year layer, we found two extra big bowls matching our set) - the bowls are grey from outside and white on the inside; the small plates are grey on the top and white on the bottom and the big plates are white on top and grey on bottom.

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: very small - a third of it is a stove (with two heating pads? circles? whatever), another third is a sink and the last third is workspace with a small shelf for spices, cutlery etc, and a cutting board and knives stand. most of the workspace is taken up by a cutting board i used to cut avocado and cucumbers for lunch and there is a tiny pan (and i mean really tiny, like one egg sized) leftover on the stove. i’m probably going to do the dishes after i finish answering these.

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i’m not that picky, i’ll drink almost anything. i think i prefer fruity drinks though - i really like french martini or sex on the beach.

45. do you play cards? we used to play cards a lot with my parents and sister (and grandparents as well) - i love playing canasta, but you need four people for that, so i haven’t actually played in months... we also played a lot of joker and i taught my boyfriend to play this summer (not that he didn’t know how to play, he just wasn’t particularly good)... and we also play poker with a couple of our friends here from time to time

46. what color is your car? this is going to sound so bad, but i am actual not sure? we ended up finding quite a good deal on a car we wanted to get after uni, so we bought it - however, it is back in slovakia and both me and my boyfriend are stuck in uk right now. it’s either black or very dark blue, but for the love of my life, i can’t remember and the photos i found weren’t helpful at. all. (if it weren’t for covid, i’d be able to answer this question a lot better). oh, and the car i had before (my mom’s old car) is red.

47. can you change a tire? i like to think i’d be able to (after enough googling and youtube videos), but if there was somebody else with me, i’d gladly let them do it.

48. your favorite state or province? like in usa or what? i guess new york.

49. favorite job you’ve had? i don’t think i’ve particularly enjoyed any of the jobs i had so far - if i had to pick, i’d say working in an ice-cream shop, because if there is one thing that could make work during a very hot summer even slightly bearable, it’s the fact that every so often, you can nibble on a bit of an ice-cream.

i’m tagging @stonerbughead @strangenightsofdaydreams and @i-know-you-can - i know there is like 50 questions and that’s a lot, but they were actually a lot of fun? 

#tag game #i haven't done one of these in so long #and i really enjoyed most of these questions!

[thesaltyoceanwaves]

What order would you recommend watching the second part of season 3? Since it's an out of order mess?

I mean, obviously watch Hearthunter and Miracle Queen in the correct order. If you feel like sitting through MQ that is.

After that, it’s hard to say. There is a production order, which looks something like this:

1. Chameleon

2. Animaestro

3. Bakerix

4. Backwarder

5. Reflekdoll

6. Weredad

7. Silencer

8. Onichan

9. Miraculer

10. Oblivio

11. Desperada

12. Christmaster

13. Startrain

14. Kwamibuster

15. Feast

16. Gamer 2.0  

17. Stormy Weather 2

18. Ikari Gozen

19. Timetagger

20. Party Crasher

21. The Puppeteer 2

22. Cat Blanc

23. Felix

24. Ladybug

25. Hearthunter

26. Miracle Queen

Some of this order makes some sense, to an extent, although I can’t explain without getting into spoilers. So, anon, if you haven’t already watched the last part of the season and want to go in blind, I’d suggest returning to the later part of this post after that. Or you can just skip it, if you’re not looking for a long-winded rant. Otherwise, here I go. 

SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF SEASON 3 FROM THIS POINT ON.

Ok, so things that make sense - Party Crasher coming after Desperada, Startrain, and Feast. It doesn’t really matter which of the first two comes first, so long as Party Crasher is after them, because Viperion and Pegase make their return. And we see that Fu is no longer hiding out at his place when he gives Kim Xuppu, so this has to take place after Feast.

Gamer 2.0 coming after Desperada, because she makes a cameo in the game, works.

Timetagger before Cat Blanc checks out, because Bunnix makes her return in the latter episode.

I forget where I saw this, but I think someone on the team said that it was important to see Animaestro before Oblivio, because the poster that the amnesiac Marinette and Adrien see makes more sense when you know it’s from the movie. This could have been easily changed in the script so that the two discover their identities regardless, but whatever I guess.

Both Feast and Stormy Weather 2 make sense as mid-season episodes in theory. There are so many problems with both of these episodes in execution, but I’m not going to detail that here. But on paper, an episode that changes the status quo for the second half of the season, and an episode that recaps how far everyone’s come both work at the midpoint.

Of course, there are so many issues with individual episodes in general, so if they were reworked, I think the order would have to be shifted dramatically.

Ladybug would have been a much better episode if it had been the season finale, or at least a two parter. If you’re going to start the season establishing the Lilanette rivalry, then it only makes sense to end the season with the escalation of that rivalry. And pull no punches either - Marinette’s relationships should get shaken up, characters should second guess their actions, and so forth. Alternatively, I have two other options for how this should have been handled.

1. This should have been put into season 2. Because going into Chameleon after Hero’s Day is jarring tonally, something that has been addressed numerous times by this point, so I’m not going into detail further.

2. If you’re going to keep Chloe as a recurring antagonist and fail to redeem herself, then you don’t really need Lila in the show at all. Marinette can still come across the grimoire when Adrien brings it to school. Maybe he forgets about it or something. The Scarlet Army can be caused by a bunch of things going wrong on Hero’s Day that have a domino effect. Chameleon can be cut entirely, along with Ladybug. Onichan can have Kagami in conflict with her mother, since she wants to be a good daughter and not cause problems, but also feels lonely. Lila only caused everything in Miraculer to happen at a quicker rate, but tbh, I still think the episode would have played out without her. Chloe would have gotten fed up with not getting the bee back and taken it out on Sabrina. This could be its own post tbh.

I agree with @miraculouscontent on Desperada taking place before Silencer, especially with Marinette’s behavior in Silencer basically forgetting all about Adrien, since Desperada she learns that she can like the both of them at the same time.

Felix wasn’t as bad as I was prepared for it to be, but I would still have Adrien reflect on his own pushy behavior toward Ladybug, and give the moral that harassment isn’t just physical, it can also be psychological and verbal as well. Also, I would give new, unique forms for Alya, Juleka and Rose.

Timetagger is okay mostly, but I would want some of the stakes to be higher and the foreshadowing to pack more of a punch. Maybe have future!Alix warn Chat that he’s taking things too far or something. Also, have Alya and Nino actually babysit their siblings together instead of making their friends do it. It’s not a good look for them.  

Episodes I would cut:

--> Puppeteer 2 - if you’re not going to make this a dramatic episode where the friend group fights, and just have it as an excuse to embarrass Marinette, then it deserves to be cut. We could actually spend that time on fleshing out Alya and Nino, so that their progress in SW2 doesn’t amount to “dating” and “being superheroes”. Seriously, this episode is the mission statement of the season:

Any other S3 Episode: Clearly, I will have the scene meant to most humiliate/embarrass Marinette.

Puppeteer 2: Hold my beer.

--> Oblivio and Cat Blanc - these episodes are both major teases and do basically nothing for the Love Square except sabotage it. The second one especially explains to us why we shouldn’t ship these two together, in the most dramatic, over the top, killjoy way. Even if I was still a Love Square fan, I would still hate these episodes, because we could actually be getting scenes and episodes that actually develop Marinette and Adrien’s relationship with one another, but instead, we have to waste time and make people feel bad for wanting to “rush” things.

--> Bakerix - while I like that we’re getting more episodes focused on Marinette’s family, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER MOM. Hell, this could have been the recap we got - maybe a two parter revolving around her parents realizing that they’ve been growing apart and that their daughter is getting older. OR Weredad could have been more about Marinette growing closer to her friends, not just a potential romance, while an Akumom episode could be about Sabine feeling out of touch with Marinette’s interests. 

--> Christmaster - WHY DO WE NEED TWO CHRISTMAS EPISODES THAT WASTE OUR TIME WITH HUMILIATING AND/OR MAKING MARINETTE LOOK BAD? This one is worse in the sense that it could have focused on Nino for once, and have it focus on his relationship with his brother. But no. That’s not funny enough apparently.

→ Reflekdoll - A good example of a body swap/power swap episode: “Trading Faces” from Jimmy Neutron. Because the show actually shows both Jimmy and Cindy failing to adjust to the life of the other, learning to develop a small appreciation for the other by the end of the episode. JN is another episodic based show, so they’re still at each other’s throats for a while, but you can see that soften over time. Reflekdoll, on the other hand, refuses to have Chat learn or understand how hard Ladybug’s job is, especially when all he does is joke around and not take things seriously. 

--> Gamer 2.0 - Another episode where Marinette “needs to learn to loosen up” but actually it should be “Marinette learns to prioritize everything in her life while still giving herself some downtime to relax and breathe”. Again, if you cut this episode, you lose nothing really.

TL;DR: You thought you were getting an answer for the best viewing order of season 3, but it was actually a rant about how season 3 is The Worst and how things could have been better. Go with the production codes, I guess.

#ml salt #salty answers #ml s3 salt #i think everyone is still amazed by netflix messing up the last two episodes #major wOW

[split-n-splice]

Hello I have no grasp on time, I've been self-isolating since 2009. Every day is Halloween.

[Chapter Guide]

23. Welfare Check – 5

When her brothers found her halfway to the library, Shilo had little choice but to make a deal with them. It was impossible to just say no when Hugo used two hopeful little boys with stars in their eyes to his advantage – proving even heroes weren’t above utilizing underhanded and manipulative tactics.

She wanted to spit acid at her big brother, but for the twins’ sake, she settled for coldly warning him that she’d give them tonight, and that was it, and it was only for the twerps because they’d come all this way and were skipping school for this.

Hugo held up his hands as if in peace, assuring her that they wouldn’t interfere after tonight. It was a lie if she ever heard one, but until they were out of town for good, she’d just have to accept whatever he had planned. As long as the other blue idiot in her life stayed out of the picture, everything would be fine.

Upon returning to the apartment, Shilo was faced with her displeased landlord, the senior citizen waving a cane at the aircraft parked on her lawn. She’d never seen the old woman so crabby before. Apparently, she’d called the police earlier, but the suave superhero Hego had convinced the baffled officers to turn a blind eye, though it didn’t stop a news crew or two from stopping by.

Mrs. Landlady couldn’t be swayed so easily, but for the sake of keeping her lease, Shilo tried to smile and politely explain her visitors would be leaving after trick-or-treating. She elbowed her elder brother, hoping he’d take the hint, but Hego didn’t look particularly ashamed of himself for inconveniencing the senior citizen with his jet scaring her pack of little white poodles.

To make up for it, Mego offered to walk the yapping little dogs to take them elsewhere to relieve themselves. Shilo couldn’t shut him up in time. Mrs. Landlady had been hinting around at dog-walking for extra cash for a while now, but he couldn’t possibly know that. He was just an expert at getting under her skin. Before she could object, Shilo and each of her brothers were handed leashes. And bags.

Bags which Shilo shoved to Milo.

Once the bouncing yapping pack of little dogs were walked and returned to a slightly-less-cross Mrs. Landlady, Pops and all of her brothers shadowed her up the stairs to her crummy apartment. Hugo, still dressed as Hego, was practically breathing down her neck. Cornered, she turned on them at the top to jab Hugo in the chest and snap that none of them were invited into her home.

Because that’s what it was. It was her home. It didn’t feel much like her home, miserable as it was, and she hated the sound of it leaving her mouth, but she was paying the rent on the place. They had no right to barge in uninvited, and she didn’t have to invite them either.

Holding her ground, she was on the verge of flaring up her hands and blasting Hugo back down the steps, if it weren’t for everyone piled up behind him – and to make matters worse, her father ducked around him. He stood a solid few inches taller than her, his mustache hooked downward in a perpetual frown as he crossed his arms and grunted at her to open the door, as if he still had some authority over her. As if he’d ever had some authority over her.

She put her foot down, crossing her arms in turn as she barred the door, even if Hugo could pick her up and kick it down if he wanted, and get away with it too by claiming it was for justice and the greater good and the usual baloney.

It was just cold enough out to see her breath, yet suddenly she felt too hot bundled up in Drakken’s sweater as she stood there facing off. The thought made her swallow and her resolve almost wavered as nerves snuck up on her. Could they tell it was a man’s sweater? Did they realize it was too clean and neat to have belonged to that destitute miscreant she’d let hang about? As comfortable as it was, suddenly she didn’t want to be caught wearing it, even if it didn’t look much different than the sort she usually wore.

If she let them so much as see inside, now that it was daylight, would they realize how involved she was with the rogue doctor? No – of course they wouldn’t. That was ridiculous. She had no incriminating evidence inside – except for what hid under her bed, and that had nothing to do with him, though an excess of cash might raise questions. With her father and brothers dogging her, insistent on taking a look around, Shilo racked her brains but all she could think of were the custom gloves the doctor had tailored for her. But she had an old restrictive pair she could use tonight – they didn’t have to know about the weaponized gloves.

She was probably worried for nothing, but nonetheless, Shilo stamped her foot and told her father bluntly, to his face and in front of two kindergarteners, to fuck off already.

He raised a finger to wag at her and drew a deep breath to begin lecturing her, and she could hear it before he uttered, “Listen here, young lady—”

The spiel went in one ear and out the other. She tried not to consider her hands might be shaking ever so slightly as she reached into the purse at her hip and fished out her wallet to brandish her driver’s license in her father’s face as if flashing ID would prove her case. “I’m an adult,” she reminded hotly, barely managing to squeeze a word in edgewise though she felt childish just saying it. It wasn’t like she was twelve anymore and he was demanding a look around her room to make sure it was tidy. “Get off my ass.”

Her father gawped at her, and she pointedly lit up a cigarette as the one desperate parent she had left made a bumbling attempt to disregard the fact she’d left the nest. It was for her own good, he was only looking out for her – it was the same old baloney Hugo fed her. Taking a drag wasn’t setting a very good example for her littlest brothers, but their father wasn’t setting a good example for them either if proving his parental authority was his intent. Over her, he had none. He really hadn’t had any for a long time – not over her, and not over the twins either. Global Justice dictated their upbringing – he merely paid child support, more or less. He was just too prideful to admit the role of father had been stripped from him the day the comet hit.

Her pops choked as he waved away the smoke and she slipped inside. “You’re still—,” he started again, and she slammed the door behind her. She was sure young and dumb was shouted through it as she twisted the deadbolt.

“I’ll be out in a minute!” she hollered through the door, and ripped the oversized sweater over her head to toss on her bed. She changed quickly – in the bathroom, just to be safe – but wasn’t quick enough.

Sometimes she wondered if Milo could phase through walls, but knew it was just his knack for shrinking small enough to squeeze through cracks like a mouse.

However he managed the feat, the lavender dork was in her apartment when she exited the bathroom, giving her a start when she found him sitting on her bed.

Worse yet, Milo was scrutinizing the ornamental green and black water pipe she’d hidden under the bed earlier. The sight of him with the paraphernalia jarred her nerves for a second – but so what? She’d bought it last week from a smoke shop just off Main Street. It was perfectly legal, and unused to boot. Granted, she had bought it with the money she stole from a 24-Seven, and what she planned to eventually use it for wasn’t so legal – but it proved nothing. Without GJ drugging her with a suppressant disguised as sleep-aid, could they really fault her for self-medicating?

“Wait until Dad finds out about this,” snickered Milo, flashing a shit-eating grin her way.

“Breyer,” she hissed.

At the simple threat to his horsey collectables, Milo went rigid and narrowed his eyes on her as he tucked the apparatus back where he’d found it.

He rose from her bed, only to inspect the makeup on her dresser and try out her hand lotion as he went on. “You know Pops is just trying to look out for you,” he said, barely changing the subject. He sounded just like Hugo for a second. “You didn’t have to go and cop an attitude with him. He’s all salty now and there’s no telling how long I have to deal with it. So thanks a ton. Hey, can I borrow this?”

Shilo snatched her bottle of black nail polish back from him and tossed it across the small room to her bed, where it bounced off and hit the floor.

She grabbed her brother by the wrist to tow him away before he could get into anything else, but he shrunk out of her grip and she felt the elf-like body perch on her shoulder. Tiny mousey hands were in her hair, venturing too close for comfort to the cut on the side of her head sustained in the automobile accident Friday night. It was still a few days away from being completely healed without a trace.

“How’d you get this?” Milo wondered, his voice an odd pitch now that his vocal cords were shrunk so small.

“I fell,” she fibbed as she exited the apartment. It wasn’t a lie – not really. The van had fallen over, and she’d fallen with it.

“Still fighting crime?” he guessed.

“It’s a good excuse to roundhouse kick people,” she stated, and that much wasn’t a lie either. It didn’t mean she was still fighting for the sake of good.

Her miniature violet brother bounced off her shoulder to resume normal size and slide down the handrail in the fashion she always used to scold the boys for doing back home. He hopped off elegantly at the end and landed on his toes between the two little boys rushing back to the staircase. The thought that he’d do well in ballet crossed her mind for the thousandth time, and it would be a lie if the familiar thought didn’t warm her chest a little, as discontented as she was to have her family here tonight.

While Shilo had been busy serving hot drinks and treats at Buckley’s Brew, Pops and the twins had done some shopping. Wesley and Willow fought over who would give Shilo her bucket as she reached the bottom step, and there was no getting out of it when she tried to decline.

She’d already accepted defeat when she’d agreed to dress into her gear to misuse as a Halloween costume. Her brothers were dressed in their own, as they’d been all day – and with her brought into the fold, the Team Go set was finally complete. Shilo’s shoulders slumped as her big brother grinned warmly and commented on how great it was to have her with them tonight, even if she refused to don the domino mask. Pointedly trying to keep her among them, he dropped a hefty arm around her shoulders to trap her in their midst.

She shoved away from Hego, only to bump into Mego, and she was beginning to feel suffocated as the Wego twins took her by the hands. Mock Team Go costumes were a regular sight in Go City, but here in the Nevada oasis, they had to be uncommon if not unheard of – even so, there were too many Team Go uniforms out tonight.

Shilo felt like gasping for air as she stood straight, reminding herself that this was her life – this was her family , she’d grown up with this, she was used to this, and nothing about tonight was unusual.

Except for the fact they were thousands of miles from their hometown, and she wasn’t guiding her brothers around the familiar neighborhood they lived in. She’d never been trick-or-treating anywhere else but Go City. Then there was the fact the older two of her brothers had quit trick-or-treating some years ago, thus their presence was unusual. She was used to being talked into family costumes, but wearing her uniform instead of a real costume was added weirdness that made her feel peculiarly exposed in a suit she was accustomed to wearing as an everyday outfit.

The twins were eager to knock on doors and ring doorbells, and Shilo seemed to be the only one to remember to tell them absolutely no duplication to score extra candy. It didn’t feel right coming out of her mouth now, reminding the little copycats that doing so would be cheating and unfair to all the other kids.

It took seven houses and a sorry handful of chalky candies with one piece of taffy to split between the twins before Shilo paused to consider the rogue doctor’s earlier suggestion. She didn’t yet know the town like the back of her hand, but she was familiar enough by now to know it wasn’t a false lead. She’d scoped out the north end a while ago, and even a solid two weeks before Halloween there had been a wealth of holiday decorations. She knew the houses there sported new paint and manicured lawns. There was no hiding it that the community out that way was of a higher class than the majority of the oasis town.

So Shilo grabbed the boys by the hands and quietly asked them if they were up for a bit of a walk if it meant scoring better candy. Of course they were. They were bundles of energy that didn’t need the sugar – but they wouldn’t be her problem at the end of the night. Hugo and Milo were chatting lowly with one another, oblivious to her whispering to the twins, “Ready? Set…”

“Go!” squealed the Wegos, getting a split-second head start on her.

The older boys didn’t seem to even notice Shilo jogging off with two gleeful little ones racing alongside her to keep up.

As she ran with them, she didn’t expect the swell of excitement warming her chest to hit her so fast. Her youngest brothers weren’t so bad. Their hands were sticky, but her impulse to recoil and wipe her palms on her pants wasn’t so strong as to call their company repulsive. She couldn’t say the same about Hugo and Milo. She’d rather the nose-picking twerps any day. It helped she wore gloves though.

She stayed a fair distance ahead of the older two boys, who eventually noticed and shouted after her. By Main Street, she’d lost them. She stared over her shoulder almost as much as she watched for cracks in the sidewalk, which the twins were adamant she not step on. She wanted to step on every one of them. She’d have to make up for lost time once they were out of her hair.

“Step on a crack, break your mother’s back,” she mouthed to herself, grinding her heel into one as the boys darted up to a bowl of candy offered by Buckley herself standing outside her café.

Two raggedy dolls, Hansel and Gretel hand-stitched from old fabrics, sat in the caldron by the painted café door, guarded by Buckley the gingerbread witch. It was probably a risky thing to allow, given the henchwoman’s dislike for heroes, superheroes in particular, but the giant witch in colorful apron stooped down to their level and spared an extra home-made chocolate truffle for each. Just like Hansel and Gretel, the children greedily wolfed them down on the spot, and Buckley smiled just as warmly as she did for the average customer.

“What cuties! Shilo, I could just gobble ‘em up,” she rumbled, peeking up past her curly bangs. Her smile fell just slightly with the wane of the false cheer. “Borrowed?”

Shilo shrugged meekly. Suddenly she wanted to usher the twins away, but Buckley was forking over more chocolate for their greedy little fingers.

Buckley hummed contentedly at the little boys going nuts for her homemade candies. “You know, there are special institutions for the little ones. If you ever find yourself with any,” she noted as she stood. “Start ‘em young is the motto. But that’s not much better than what that big brother of yours is doing to them, is it? A shame. The little ones are so impressionable.”

She was unsure if the former henchwoman was advocating sending small children away to boot camp, but she had a point. Grooming them to be heroes willing to commit self-sacrifice couldn’t have been much better than training little boys to be henchmen.

“Hm. Well. I’ll look into it when I have kids,” she dismissed, pulling her brothers back away from the witchy baker before they could reach for yet more chocolate. “See you tomorrow, Buck. Say thank you, boys.”

“Thank you!” they chimed on cue.

As she tugged her baby brothers along with her down Main Street, she had to blink and shake her head incredulously. A school for hench kids? How many henchmen even were there in the world? She knew they were people too, but to think they were out there reproducing – actually, she didn’t want to think about that. It squicked her out.

“You’re gonna be a mom?” wondered Willow suddenly, and suddenly Shilo realized what she’d said moments ago.

“Duh! That’s what girls do,” answered Wesley as if it were obvious.

Shilo squeezed their hands. “Not always,” she corrected stiffly, though the hairs on the back of her neck were prickling at the very idea now. “So don’t get your hopes up about not being the youngest in the family anymore. You’ll always be the littlest twerps.”

They whined in reply. She laughed it off, and inwardly hoped that the next storefront offering candy would distract them from any questions about the birds and the bees. It did. She breathed a sigh of relief.

All the sugar was beginning to get to them, she was sure of it. The Wegos clad in red and black pajamas were starting to run ahead of her, and run behind her, and dash across the street despite her hollering at them to use a crosswalk or at least look both ways first. She barely kept the two little superkids in sight at all times to ensure they didn’t multiply and blow their cover.

How they ever made it to the north end of town was a wonder. They had a nice collection of candy filling the bottoms of their pumpkin buckets, which they deposited in hers for safekeeping by the time they reached the well-to-do neighborhoods.

Given the cloud cover granting an early nightfall, it was good and dark by now – perfect viewing conditions for the abundance of elaborate lights and yard ornaments. Fake cobwebs on hedges and porches, giant spiders, entire yards of styrofoam headstones, detailed skeletons, the occasional fog machine – the whole nine yards. She’d seen better in Go City, but it was impressive nonetheless.

High on a sugar rush, the twins darted across lawns and up walkways, ringing doorbells with fancy chimes, one or two even rigged in the spirit of the season with ghoulish cackling when rang. At one such abode, festooned in glimmering purple and gold lights, she hovered behind the twins as they bounced eagerly on their toes for the blurry figure behind the glass of the front door to answer.

Shilo had to stifle an abrupt bark of laughter as a young man in a long white dress opened up. Accessorized with fluffy white angel wings and a golden sash to match his halo, it had to be the least masculine costume she’d seen on a man yet tonight that wasn’t blatantly meant to be comically feminine. She supposed there were male angels too, though.

The Wego twins sang the age-old trick-or-treat rhyme for the hundredth time tonight before she could chide them that it was impolite, but it earned them a nice chocolate bar each anyway as Shilo composed herself behind her hand and looked back to the angel boy.

She really shouldn’t have taken that second look.

She found herself staring slack-jawed. Not at the angel, but rather – well, maybe at him a little bit, but he was a little pleasing to look at with blond hair and picture-perfect bright blue eyes – but rather, the glass shelves she spied behind him. She shifted to the side just slightly, her stare darting from aquamarine eyes to the breathtaking assortment of glimmering geodes and chunks of crystal in every color and – and aqua eyes were staring her down again.

His mouth was moving.

Shilo didn’t hear a single word he said.

She blinked away from a perfect heavenly smile as something was extended to her – his hand, right, right – but still stared stupidly at the candy bar he offered in his palm for a second before reaching for it.

She didn’t even know what came out of her own mouth. Something along the lines of, “I, uh – h-hey – uhm,” maybe. She was effectively tongue-tied. Between dazzling aqua eyes looking straight into her and a staggering wall of glitzy precious minerals just behind him, whatever was responsible for sorting out words had shorted out.

Since when did she sweat so much? She never sweated this much around Drakken. Okay, maybe a little, but she usually kept her cool well enough and – and it was a damn good thing she was wearing her restrictive gloves because she felt her hands burning up inside them. Drakken made her hands sparkle on a good day but – why the hell was her geeky blue boss her first comparison anyway?

Her little brothers were leaving the steps without her.

Shilo shook and snapped out if it, blurting a brusque, “Thank you!” as she tossed the candy bar in her bucket and spun on her heel to tear her stare away from too many pretty dazzling objects of interest in that big white house.

Mistakenly casting a glance back, she nearly ran into a hedge lining the walkway. The boy waved, calling, “God bless!” with a melodious voice like an angel she wanted to damn.

What a prick.

Her face was still warm and there was no reason she should feel so weak in the knees as if she’d just chased a villain across Go City, but she heaved a deep calming breath as she trudged after two tireless little boys with boundless energy.

Shilo threw another peek back over her shoulder to the house – and while the house and everything in it were as attractive as ever, something far less so caught her eye.

A mustachioed man in a deerstalker cap had his head lowered, puffing at a pipe and sauntering along leisurely in a long brown overcoat. She narrowed her eyes at the Sherlock.

Who did her pops think he was fooling?

Just as she considered trying to shake him, she was taken by surprise, ambushed by two superheroes in purple and blue. She’d foolishly been glowering back at her father when they leapt out at her, catching her by the shoulders and leading her after the twins and up the nearest pathway to collect candy as the full set.

When asked what they were supposed to be, all but Shilo proudly answered, “Team Go!”

She curled her lip and rolled her eyes, glad to have the distraction nonetheless to take her mind off stupid angels and pretty rocks. She was towed along for several houses, filling up her own bucket the rest of the way, but she grit her teeth and tolerated it because that was the agreement. They never said she had to like it.

Once her bucket was heavy and full to the brim – a blessing in disguise, as the twins had been depositing candy in her bucket to make room for more in theirs – she was given some slack. She hung back a little to skip receiving candy, distancing herself ever more at each door, until finally, she didn’t even bother entering the yards with them anymore.

She fell further and further back, until they were half a block away across the street and much too caught up and hyped up on candy to notice she wasn’t beside them anymore. She wanted to think the fact alone that they didn’t notice her absence was a good sign they were getting used to her being…well, absent from their lives now.

The night seemed a few degrees colder suddenly.

Just as Shilo was casting a wary glance back toward her father to check how far away the stalking Sherlock was, a startling hiss in her ear made her whip around the other way, and she jumped away from a flash of red and black and – blue?

She reeled as the man lurched toward her, cackling lowly, “I’ve come to drink your blood!” He couldn’t keep a straight face, but she could tell he tried.

Shilo shoved him back around the corner he’d jumped out from, and threw a glance back toward her father for good measure before joining the rogue doctor out of sight around the privacy fence.

“Ugh. It’s ‘I vant to suck your blood,’” she corrected theatrically, accent laid on thick. Growing up with toddlers, she’d had more practice with funny voices than she wanted to admit, and her face burned when she realized it slipped.

“Ohh, chills!” shivered the vampire. A cheap cape hung around his shoulders, but the scarlet vest with silver accents he wore didn’t look like it came off Smarty Mart shelves, nor did the silken dress shirt or neatly-tucked necktie. She could be wrong, though. His oxfords were as shiny and slick as the hair he still wore pulled back in a ponytail. He even sported a pair of fangs which he flashed with his mischievous grin. All he was missing was a dribble of fake blood.

Shilo realized, to her dismay, her hands were clammy and beginning to burn. Fortunately she wore the smothering gloves tonight. She clenched her hands into fists and struck the offending blue idiot in the chest with a hard rap of her knuckles. “Drew—”

Evidentially, she hadn’t hit him hard enough to wipe the smile off his face. “Ah-ah,” he said, wagging a finger. “It’s Drak -ula tonight, my dear.” Maybe she needed to hit him again.

He seemed just a little too ballsy tonight, and no wonder. She swore she smelled whiskey on his breath. Drinking and catching her out and about with her family had to be more reckless than anything they’d done Friday. He was a far cry from genius right now.

“What are you doing here?” she hissed as he peered past her, toward her brothers skipping ever further away to trick-or-treat the last house at the far end of the block, still blessedly oblivious to her not beside them. She should just walk away now, for his sake. Yet she couldn’t move.

Drakken hummed pleasantly and held up a jack-o-lantern bucket like her own. “What’s it look like?” he shot, plucking a peanut butter cup from the top and offering it to her. “I’m trick-or-treating.”

She had enough candy. She really didn’t need to snatch it from his fingers or tear into the treat to take a bite. “Did you steal that?” she grumbled around the peanut butter and nodded to his bucket of goodies.

“Will you be upset with me if I say yes?” wondered Drakken – Drakula – whatever, as he fumbled to peel away the wrapper of a tiny candy bar he popped whole in his mouth.

“Yes.” She had half a mind to stomp on his foot, but she settled for putting a little pressure on a toe.

Drakken shifted away, but he had nowhere to go. He was backed into the fence. “Well, what do you expect from me?” he snapped back at her, a little too loudly, a little too impatiently, a little too close to her face. Shilo took a step back and off his toe, and before she could get her thoughts in order, he harrumphed and rolled his eyes. “I bought it,” he grumped. “And the cape. About an hour ago. Do you need to see the receipt?”

Shilo crossed her arms, habitually tucking her warm hands safely into her armpits, and shook her head. Warm hands disregarded a second later, she was picking at his cape before she could think better of it, grudgingly looking him over again. She was standing too close again. She was feeling a little too warm again, and this time it was a dark pair of lonely sapphire eyes staring down into her. “You look nice,” she mumbled before she could run it past herself first. Better than some dumb angel.

No, no he wasn’t – the angel was better. The angel was blond. Younger, too.

“Nice?” scoffed the blue doctor impersonating a vampire. “Not evil or devilishly handsome? Come on, give me something here. I put work into this outfit.” Well, he didn’t have to beg for it.

Shilo was stepping back again, her heart jumping up into her throat, and she was indisputably warm from head to toe. She had to clasp her hands behind her back before he could catch a glimpse of green embers escaping the smothering gloves, but his attention thankfully didn’t stray that low. One of her nervous hands found its way up to her hair despite her uneasy attempt to hide them, and she twirled a lock around a finger as she nervously sputtered, “No, I wouldn’t say – no.” She snorted and shook her head, face burning. She was not one for words tonight.

Drakken hummed thoughtfully. At least he seemed to get the gist of what she was trying to say, though she didn’t need his arm behind her back, gently guiding her down the new dark street and away from her family. “Really?” he chirped. “That’s a shame. And what are you tonight? A superhero?”

She stopped in her tracks. Drakken swung around and paused before her, facing her glare head-on. She didn’t like that question, and she didn’t have to explain to him why. His guilty eyes darted away, and he pouted and dug into his bucket for another candy.

He pulled a strange face as he sucked on a chocolate drop, and she relaxed just slightly at the change of subject when he opened his trap again. “What do you say you and I split off and go have our own fun?” he asked leisurely, gesturing down the eerily dark street behind him, back in the direction he’d been leading her. His quiet chuckle was practically a purr. “I’ve got a bucket of treats and, well, we like tricks too, don’t we?”

“We do,” Shilo agreed warily. Her feet were heavy, but a wry curiosity urged them to move. She didn’t know what she was thinking, taking the arm he offered like a gentleman, but she willed her hand to cool down as she did. The rest of her was warm enough to compensate. It was easy to forget what she was doing out here tonight in the first place with his toothy smirk beaming down at her.

His mouth was moving.

She didn’t hear a damn word he said.

However, she did hear a distant familiar melody in the form of a whistle, and her blood iced over and her breath caught in her throat and she whipped her head around to find the source. Drakken glanced back as well, and then she shoved him away from her.

“Beat it, would ya?” she all but snarled at the bewildered man. She was bristling, shaking maybe – he was good as dead if he didn’t leave this very second, but the big dumb blue oaf was just standing there with his brow quirked at her. She added in a hiss, “My dad is watching us,” hoping it would inspire him to scram.

The spectacled man’s eyes widened and flicked past her and back down to her. “Your dad? You mean the Sherlock back there? Oh.” He bit his lip to silence a swear as he took a quick step away from her. He bowed courteously, despite his haste, and cleared his throat. “A good evening to you, miss,” he uttered and spun with a showy flair of his cape to leave.

“Or, y’know, you could man up and meet him,” Shilo teased dryly to his back before she could remember the ramifications of meeting her father. If only she came from a normal family – but if she had, she wouldn’t be here now with a funny blue Drakula nervously looking back at her and whimpering. Hell, he might not even be blue if it weren’t for her freakish family.

Drakken groped at the air and wrung his gloved hands. “I-I’ll pass,” he stuttered. “If he’s anything like you, I’d rather – I’ll – it’s not that I’m a coward if that’s what you’re insinuating.”

Shilo gave him a wry smirk, because it was the best she could offer with her father’s footsteps approaching behind her, and waved him off.

She steeled herself against whatever terrible or disapproving things her pops had to say about her peculiar blue distraction as she watched the vampire dissolve into the shadows of the dark street. So what if her father had seen him? Surely it was too dark to make out any details from this distance anyway. If she just kept Pops distracted for a while, Drakken could get out of dodge, and the real threat, Hego, would be none the wiser. They’d be safe as long as she plead the fifth.

#The Company You Keep fic #Drakgo #drakken #shego

[elizascarlet]

Weird asks that say a lot. 

I’m just doing it cause i never get asked. So here’s the info dump you didn’t know you wanted

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? Smart

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows? Miniseries

9. favorite smell in the summer? alfalfa

10. game you were best at in p.e.? dodge ball

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? Bagels

12. name of your favorite playlist? ‘my name’ Favs

13. lanyard or key ring? 

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Patch Kids Watermelons

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? Anthem by Ayn Rand

16. most comfortable position to sit in? curled up in a chair, legs to one side

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? my work shoes

18. ideal weather? rain with sunshine

19. sleeping position? fetal on the side

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? My laptop... sometimes a composition notebook

21. obsession from childhood? Horses

22. role model? Leonardo Da Vinci

23. strange habits? I play with my hair

24. favorite crystal? Sapphire and Emerald

25. first song you remember hearing? American Pie by Don McClean

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? Amusement parks

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? Read

28. five songs to describe you? skipping...

29. best way to bond with you? Keep your personal space and chill with me doing your own thing for hours. Kinda like cats

30. places that you find sacred? Woods with creeks. Alfalfa fields, 

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Leather jacket, boots, favorite pair of jeans, french braids. 

32. top five favorite vines? Never seen a vine

33. most used phrase in your phone? omg 

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? Shane Company on the corner of state street and 7200 south.

35. average time you fall asleep? 20 min

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

37. suitcase or duffel bag? i own a rolling dufflebag? So both? 

38. lemonade or tea? Lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? CAKE

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? Teacher fell in the orchestra pit

41. last person you texted? My mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets ?

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? 

44. favorite scent for soap? Something vanilla-y

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? A t shirt

47. favorite type of cheese? cheddar or swiss

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? I”m told i’m a pineapple. Prickly on the outside, sweet on the inside.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? Bride of Adventure or ‘i have come to the happy evolutionary opinion that i am unusual and i embrace it”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? my family

51. current stresses? UMMMM....PANDEMIC?!??! Where you’ve been the last month

52. favorite font? French Style or Times New Roman. Comic sans to write in

53. what is the current state of your hands? Better than they were.

54. what did you learn from your first job? I hate being bored

55. favorite fairy tale? BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

56. favorite tradition? How my family opens gifts at Christmas

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? College....

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Dancing, writing, quick learning, and stubbron

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? Alrighty let’s go get’em

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? How Ruuude! from the phantom menace i think 

62. seven characters you relate to?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

64. favorite website from your childhood? NEOPETS 

65. any permanent scars?

66. favorite flower(s)? Roses

67. good luck charms? My four leaf clover

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? This weird drink at the coco-cola factory. Worst thing ever

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

70. left or right handed? right

71. least favorite pattern? big floral 

72. worst subject? PE

73. favorite weird flavor combo? 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 8/9

75. when did you lose your first tooth? First Grade after everyone else did.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? English Chips!

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? 

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? Neither

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? SCHOOL ID

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

84. podcasts or talk radio?

84. barbie or polly pocket? BOTH

85. fairy tales or mythology? fairy tales

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear? Failure

88. your greatest wish? To travel and find adventure in life

89. who would you put before everyone else?

90. luckiest mistake?

91. boxes or bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

93. nicknames? Shale is a nickname

94. favorite season? AUTUMN

95. favorite app on your phone? Google Maps

96. desktop background? Compass

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? Probably 7?

98. favorite historical era? 1800-1900

#mine #random about me #let me call queue sweetheart

[ktaebwi]

Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa The Notes (Her, Tear, Answer) - Full Translation

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T/N: - The below translation is for Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa The Notes, a fictional work, part of BU (BTS Universe) published by Bighit Entertainment and comes with the physical copies of albums in ‘LOVE YOURSELF’ series. - The full translation has been rearranged into chronological order.

Hoseok 23 July YEAR 10

It was after counting to four that I heard the laughing sound like an auditory hallucination. The next moment, a younger version of me passed by, holding someone’s hand. I quickly turned around to look but there were only my classmates staring at me. “Hoseok-ah.” The teacher called my name. And then I realized where I was. I was in class, in the middle of counting the fruits in the textbook. Five, six. I went back to counting but the higher it went, the more my voice shook and my hands started sweating. That memory of mine kept rising up.

I don’t remember my mom’s face from that day. I only remember she gave me a chocolate bar while I was at the amusement park. “Hoseok-ah. Count to ten and open your eyes.” I counted and when I opened my eyes, mom was no longer there. I waited and waited but she never came back. Counting to eight was the last. I only needed to count one more but my voice just wouldn’t come out. My ears rang and my surrounding became blurred. The teacher gestured me to continue. Friends stared at me. I couldn’t remember my mom’s face. It felt like if I count just one more time, she would never go look for me.

I collapsed on the floor.

Taehyung 29 December YEAR 10

I took off my shoes, tossed my bad and entered the room. Dad was really in there. I didn’t think about how long it had been, or where he just came back from. I simply just ran into his embrace. I have no memory of what happened next. Was it the alcohol smell that came first, was it the curses, or was it the slap. I had no idea what was happening. There was the alcohol smell and there was the ragged, foul breath. His eyes were bloodshot, beard grown coarsely. He slapped me in the cheek with his big hand. He slapped me in the cheek and asked what I was looking at. And then he lifted me into the air. His eyes were terrifying, but I was too scared to cry. It wasn’t dad. No, it was him. But it wasn’t. My feet were trembling in the air. The next moment, my head crashed against the wall, body slumping down to the floor. It felt like my head was bursting. My vision went in and out and soon darkened. The only thing left in my head was the sound of dad panting.

Jimin 6 April YEAR 11

I went out to the front gate of the flower arboretum alone. The weather was dull and chilly but I was in a good mood. It was picnic day but both mom and dad were busy. I was sullen at first, but after getting complimented at the flower drawing contest and hearing my friends’ moms saying “Jimin’s all grown up”, I felt like I was quite cool.

“Jimin, wait here. I’ll come quick.” The teacher told me after the picnic’s over and we were about to leave the flower arboretum, but I didn’t wait. I was confident I could go by myself. I clutched the straps of my backpack in both hands and walked with slow and stately steps. Sensing everyone staring at me, I straightened up my shoulders more. It was long after the rain had started. All my friends and their moms left, no one was there to look at me and my legs hurt. I covered my head with the backpack and squatted down under the tree. The rain slowly began to pour down harder and there was no one passing by. I eventually started to run in the rain. No house or shop was in sight. I reached the back gate of the flower arboretum. The side door was opened and inside was seemingly a warehouse.

Yoongi 19 September YEAR 16

The flames blazed with a scarlet red. Until this morning, the house I lived in was devoured by the fire. People who recognized me approached me and shouted something. Neighbors scurried over. They said the fire truck couldn’t enter because they couldn’t secure an entrance. I stood still.

It was at the end of the summer, autumn was starting. The sky was blue and the air was dry. I didn’t know anything, not what I was supposed to think, not what I was supposed to feel, not what I was supposed to do. And then I thought “Oh, mom.” The next moment, the house collapsed with a thud. The house that had been devoured by the fire, no, now it had become the fire itself, along with the roof, the pillars, the walls, the room I lived in, they collapsed down like a sand castle. I watched them absent-mindedly.

Someone pushed me aside. The said the fire truck came. Someone else grabbed me and asked. They looked me in the eyes and shouted something, but I heard nothing.

“Who’s inside?” I blankly looked at them. “Is your mom inside?” They grabbed my shoulder and shook. Unknowingly, I answered. “No. No one’s inside.” “What are you talking about?” The auntie next door said. “What about your mom? Where’s your mom?” “There’s no one there.” I had no idea what I was saying. Someone pushed and walked past me.

Seokjin 2 March YEAR 19

There was a damp smell in the principal's office where dad led me into. Ten days after returning from the US, I was told yesterday that due to difference in school system, I would be held back a year. "Please look after him." Dad put his hands onto my shoulder and I unknowingly flinched. "School is a dangerous place. There have to be regulations". The principal looked straight at me. The wrinkled skin around his cheeks and mouth quivered whenever he talked and inside his tanned lips was a whole dark red. "Doesn't Seokjin here think so?" I hesitated at the sudden question and dad immediately squeezed my shoulder harder. His grip was so strong that it made my neck muscles throbbed. "I believe he will do well." The principal continued to look me into the eye and dad's grip slowly getting stronger and stronger. I clenched my fists at the bone-breaking pain. My body was shaking and breaking out in a cold sweat. "You have to tell me. Seokjin needs to become a good student." The principal looked at me with a smileless face. "I understood." I narrowly squeezed out an answer and for one moment the pain was gone. There was the sound of dad and the principal laughing. I couldn't lift my head up. I looked down the dad's brown shoes and the principal's black ones. I didn't know where the light was coming from, but they were glinting. I was scared of that glint.

Jungkook 28 May YEAR 19

“What’s your dream?” At my words, the hyungs turned around. “I need to fill in the career survey., so,” I equivocated. “Well,” Seokjin-hyung said, “I don’t think I have any dream. If there’s anything I wish for, maybe to become a good person?” He slurred at the end as if embarrassed. Yoongi-hyung, who was sprawling on the piano stool, then replied impassively. “It’s okay to have no dream. I don’t have such thing as dreams. I’m just gonna become anyone.” Everyone bursted into laughter at his typical answer.

“I’m gonna be a superhero. I’ll save the world from the villains.” Taehyung-hyung quickly climbed up the chair posing with his arm raised as Hoseok-hyung scolded him, “You’re gonna get hurt from messing around, get down now.” Then he added. “I want to find my mom and live happily. My dream is to be happier.” He cracked a happy-looking smile. “Does that mean you’re miserable now?” Jimin-hyung asked. “Does it?” Hoseok-hyung made a funny face, seemingly contemplating about it. He asked back Jimin-hyung. “What’s your dream?” “Me” Jimin-hyung blinked like he’s taken aback. “When I was in kindergarten I wanted to become the President, but afterwards, I’m not so sure what I want to become anymore,” he replied.

Only Namjoon-hyung was left now. Seemingly noticed everyone’s stare, he shrugged and said. “I wanted to give you some nice words, but I don’t really have any dream. I just want my part-time hourly pay to rise.” I nodded and looked down at the school newsletter. The job section of the newsletter was divided into two blanks, one for student and one for parents. What do I want to be? I couldn’t think of anything to write there.

Yoongi 12 June YEAR 19

I skipped school and went out, but the truth is I had nowhere to go. It was hot, I had no money, nothing to do. It was Namjoon who suggested going to the sea. The kids seemed excited but I didn’t really feel like going, nor did I hate going. “Do you have any money?” At my words, Namjoon made everyone empty their pockets. Some coins and a few notes. “Then we can’t go”. It was probably Taehyung who said “We could walk”. Namjoon made a face like he’s telling him to think about it and everyone chattered away, laughing and pretending to roll around on the road while walking. I wasn’t in the mood to respond so I just lagged behind. The sun was scorching. It was the middle of the day, not even the trees on the sides could cast any shade and on the road with no sidewalk, cars were passing, leaving clouds of dust behind.

“Let’s go there”. This time, it was Taehyung too. Or was it Hoseok? I wasn’t interested so I didn’t take a good look, but it was one of those two. I had my head lowered, strolling while kicking at the ground, but lifted my head up as I bumped into someone and nearly fell. Jimin was standing nailed to the spot. His face was shaking like he saw something very scary. “Are you okay?” I asked but it seemed like he couldn’t hear me. Where Jimin was staring at stood a “flower arboretum” sign.

“I don’t want to walk.” I heard Jungkook. Sweat was dripping down Jimin’s face. His face was pale like he was about to drop down. What was that? I felt weird. “Park Jimin.” I asked but he didn’t react. I looked up at the sign again.

“It’s so hot. Why would we go to an arboretum? Let’s go to the sea.” I said dully. I didn’t know what kind of place that flower arboretum was, but it felt like we must not go there. I didn’t know why but Jimin looked strange. “We have no money.” Hoseok answered me. “Then let’s walk.” Taehyung added in. “If we just walk to the train station, we’ll make it some way or another.” Namjoon spoke up. “Then we’ll have to skip dinner instead.” Jungkook and Taehyung whined and Seokjin-hyung laughed. After everyone began to head towards the train station, Jimin started moving again. He looked like a small kid walking with his head lowered, shoulders hunching. I looked up at the sign again. Flower arboretum, the five letters were slowing getting further and further away.

Seokjin 25 June YEAR 19

Someone had brought a flower pot and placed it on the window of the storage classroom. Who would most likely bring a flower pot among the other guys? I took out my phone. The classroom was dim and dark from the lack of electricity, green grass a stark contrast amid the weak rays of sunlight streaming through the dirty windows. The photo I took with my phone didn’t come out well. It wasn’t just because of the phone. I always think about this but photos cannot encapsulate entirely what the human eyes capture.

As I approached, a letter “H” showed itself under the pot. I picked it up. “Hoseok’s flower pot”, it said. I let out a giggle. If any of the boys was to bring a flower pot, it could only be Hoseok. I put down the pot so that the letters were entirely covered, even the “H”, and looked around. The window frames were covered in doodles, which I had never noticed until now. Not just the window frames but also the walls, the ceiling, there were doodles everywhere. “Pass or die”. Names of crushes. Dates, and countless of names that had now become illegible.

Perhaps this classroom wasn’t originally a storage. Students would go to school, take classes and leave the classroom empty in the afternoon. And it would stay empty throughout summer vacation until school starts and the students burst into the classroom noisily. Were there students like us, late for class and get punished and skip school? Were there endless tests and homeworks, teachers who ruthlessly inflict violence on students? And were there people like me? One who told the principal on friends.

I wondered if my father’s name was among here too. This was also his old school. My father was someone who believes attending the same high school and college for generations was bringing dignity to the family’s tradition. As I scanned through the names, I discovered his. It was among few other names, in the middle of the left wall. Under it was written a sentence. “Everything started here.”

Jimin 30 August YEAR 19

While Hoseokie-hyung was on the phone, I played around, kicking the ground coated with his shadow. He chuckled and made a face that said “Park Jimin has grown so much.” It took two hours to walk from school to home. Less than 30 minutes by bus and can even be shortened to 20 if I take the main road. But he always insisted on taking the path that has us go through a winding alley, passing a low hill and crossing the footbridge. After getting discharged from the hospital, I transferred to another school last year. The school was far from my house and there was no one I knew. I thought it was okay. I thought it wasn’t any big deal, after all, I had already changed school several times and who knows when I would be hospitalized again.

But then I got to know him. It was not long after the new semester started. He casually approached me and walked with me for two hours. Not until much later did I find out our houses weren’t in the same direction. I couldn’t ask him why. I hoped for the shadow that walks by my side, the two hours walking together under the sun, to last longer even just a day.

He was still on the phone, I kicked his shadow again and ran away. He ended the call and started chasing me. The ice cream melt under the sun and the sound of cicadas tingled in my ears. Suddenly, I was scared. How many of these days are left now?

Taehyung 20 March YEAR 20

I ran on the hallway and slid to a stop. Namjoonie-hyung was standing in front of ‘our classroom’. Our classroom. No one knew this but I called the place ‘our classroom’. The classroom of me, the hyungs and Jungkook, of the seven of us. I held my breath and came closer. I wanted to surprise him.

“Headmaster!” After five steps, I heard an urgent voice past the slightly opened classroom’s window. It sounded like Seokjin-hyung. I stop on my tracks. Is Seokjin-hyung talking to the headmaster? At our classroom? Why? I heard my and Yoongi-hyung’s names and Namjoon-hyung gasped like he was surprised. Seokjin-hyung jerked the door open, having seemingly sensed that sound. He was holding a phone in his hand. He looked evidently surprised and taken aback. I couldn’t see Namjoon-hyung’s face. I hid and watched them. Seokjin-hyung opened his mouth as if to explain himself but Namjoon-hyung raised a hand and said. “It’s okay.” Seokjin-hyung looked confused. “There must be a reason why you did that.” He said and passed by Seokjin-hyung to come into the classroom. I couldn’t believe in my ears. Seokjin-hyung told the headmaster what Yoongi-hyung and I did the past few days. He told everything, how we skipped school, jumped over the fences and fought with the kids. But Namjoon-hyung said it was okay.

“What are you doing here?” I turned around out of surprise, it was Hoseok-hyung and Jimin. Hoseok-hyung pretended he was even more surprised and draped an arm over my shoulder. Before I knew it, he was already dragging me into the classroom. Namjoon-hyung and Seokjin-hyung turned around as they were talking. Seokjin-hyung hurriedly stood up, said he had urgent business and left. I studied Namjoon-hyung’s face. He watched Seokjin-hyung leaving from the back and smiled at everyone like nothing happened. That moment, this thought hit me. There must be a reason why Namjoon-hyung acted like that. He knew much more than me, much smarter and more mature than me. And after all, this was our classroom. I entered the classroom flashing a smile, the smile that everyone teased me calling it a rectangle smile. I decided I would never tell anyone that I overheard that conversation.

Namjoon 15 May YEAR 20

I walked across the storage classroom, which had become a hideout for us who had nowhere to go, and set upright a few chairs. I picked up the desk that had fallen down and wiped the dust with my palm. The fact that it’s the last time always make people sentimental. This will be the last day I come to school. We have decided to move two weeks ago. Who knows, maybe I would never be able to return here. Maybe I would never be able to meet the hyungs and dongsaengs again.

I folded the paper in half, put it down on the desk and picked up the pencil, but I didn’t know what to say, only time passing by. As I was scribbling down some useless words, the pencil lead broke with a snap. “You must live on.” The lead broke and before I knew it, I was scribbling down on the paper, smudged with what looked like fragments. In between the black lead power and the scribble scattered messy stories, stories of poverty, parents, dongsaeng, my move.

I crumpled the piece of paper, put it in my pocket and stood up. A cloud of dust rose as I pushed the desk. I was about to turn around and leave, but went to breathe onto the window and left three words. No farewell would be enough, no words needed to be said to convey all and everything. See you again. Rather than a promise, it was a wish.

Jungkook 25 June YEAR 20

I stroked the piano keys, smearing my hands with dust. I put some force into the tips of my fingers and the sound that came out was nothing like what he had played before. It’s been 10 days since he last went to school. I heard he was expelled today. Neither Namjoonie-hyung nor Hoseokie-hyung told me anything, and I couldn’t ask them, as if I was scared of something. That day two weeks ago when the teacher opened the door and entered our hideout place, there were only him and me here. It was parents visiting day. I didn’t want to be in the classroom so I blindly headed to the hideout. He didn’t even look back, he just kept playing the piano and I moved two desks together, lying on top and closed my eyes pretending to sleep. He and the piano seemed different but at the same time they were also one, so much that I couldn’t even think of separating them. Somehow listening to him playing the piano made me want to cry.

Feeling my tears about to fall, I rolled over, but then the door was slammed open and the piano sound cut off. I was slapped in the cheek, staggering backwards and ended up falling down. I curled up to endure the abuse, but then the voice suddenly stopped. Looking up, he was pushing the teacher’s shoulder and standing in front of me. Over his shoulder was the teacher’s stunned face.

I pressed the piano keys. I tried to mimic the song he used to play. Did he really quit school? Will he never come back? He said a few hits, a few kicks was just common to him. If I hadn’t been there, would he not stand up to the teacher? If I hadn’t been there, would he still be playing the piano here?

Yoongi 25 June YEAR 20

All of a sudden, I opened the door, went to the desk and took out a bag from the bottom drawer. I flipped the bag and shaked it, and a piano key fell out with a thud. I threw the half-burned key into the trash can and lay down on bed. My seething heart did not cool down, breathing a mess and fingers stained with soot. There was one time I came back to the house, now a ruin because of the fire, after the funeral ended. I entered my mother's room and saw the piano burned to the point of unrecognizable. I sank down next to it. As the afternoon light pierced through the window and died down, I just sat there. A few keys were rolling around amid the last rays of light. I wondered what sound they would make when I pressed down. I wondered how much mother's fingers had touched them. I took one of them, put into my pocket and left the room. 4 years has passed since then. Our house was quiet. So quiet that I was going crazy. After 10 o'clock, my father would go to bed and everything must be done with bated breath afterwards. That was the rule of this house. It was hard for me to endure that silence. It was not easy to match the time and follow the rule, the formality either. But what I couldn't endure even more was that, despite of it, I still continue to live in this house. Taking the pocket money my father gives, eating with my father, listening to his scoldings. Even though I talked back to him, went astray and caused trouble, I didn't have to courage to leave him, leave this house and be alone, to really put that freedom into action and not just pure words. All of a sudden, I sat up from the bed. I took out the key from the trash can under the desk. I opened the window, letting the air of the night harshly rush in. Everything happened today flooded in as it they were carried by the wind, slapping at my face. I threw the key into the air as hard as I could. It had been ten days since I last went to school. I heard they expelled me. Who knows, maybe now I would be kicked out of this house even if I don't want to. I listened carefully but still couldn't make out the sound of the key falling to the ground. No matter how much I wondered about, I will never be able to know what sound that key made. No matter how much time passes, that key will never be able to make any sound again. I will never play the piano again.

Seokjin 17 July YEAR 20

Outside the school entrance, the sound of crickets prickled in my ears. The school yard was crowded with kids laughing, joking around, racing with each other. It was the start of the summer holiday, everyone was excited. I lowered my head and walked through them. I just wanted to leave the school quickly.

“Hyung.” I lifted my head up out of surprise as someone’s silhouette popped out. It was Hoseok and Jimin. They were smiling brightly, looking at me with eyes beaming with mischief, just like usual. “It’s summer holiday today, are you just going to leave like that?”  Hoseok pulled my arm and said. I just replied “Yeah yeah”, uttered some more meaningless words and then turned away. What happened that day was just an accident. It wasn’t on purpose. I didn’t think Jungkook and Yoongi would be in the storage classroom at that time. The headmaster suspected I was covering for them. He said he could tell my father that I wasn’t a well-behaved student. I had to say something. I told him about the hideout because I thought it would be empty at the time. But it ultimately led to Yoongi getting expelled. No one knew I was involved.

“Have a good vacation, hyung! I’ll contact you later.” Hoseok stealthily dropped his hold and greeted me more cheerfully on purpose, as if he read something from my face. I gave him no response this time too. There was nothing I could say. Walking out of the school gate, I thought of the day I first went here. I was late and we were punished together. It was why we could laugh. Those moments were ruined by me.

Hoseok 15 September YEAR 20

Jimin’s mother walked across the emergency room. She checked the name on the headboard and the IV bottle, then took out the grass leaf on Jimin’s shoulder. I felt like I should tell her why Jimin was rushed to the emergency room, how he had a seizure at the bus stop, so I hesitantly approached her. Only then did Jimin’s mother spot me, she looked at me for a while as if to figure something out. I didn’t know what to do, so I hung back. Jimin’s mother only said thank you and turned away.

The next time Jimin’s mother turned to me again was when the doctor and the nurses started to move the bed and I followed them. Jimin’s mother said thank you again and pushed my shoulder. More correctly, she slightly put her hand on my shoulder and took it off. But suddenly, an invisible line was drawn between me and Jimin’s mother. It was a clear and solid line. Cold and firm. It was a line that I eventually couldn’t cross through. I had lived at the orphanage for more than 10 years. I could tell it through with my body, my eyes, with the air. In an unguarded moment, I stepped back and fell to the floor. Jimin’s mother stared down at me with a blank look. She was a petite and beautiful woman, but her shadow was big and chilly. That shadow casted on me falling down to the floor of the emergency room. When I looked up, Jimin’s bed had already gone out of the emergency room, no longer seen. Since that day, Jimin didn’t go to school anymore.

Jimin 28 September YEAR 20

I stopped counting how many days I had been in the hospital. It’s something people do when they want to leave or when they have the hope of leaving. Looking at the trees and the grass outside the windows, people’s outfits, seems like it hadn’t been that much time. One month at most. Sometimes I saw school uniforms as well, but now even that didn’t really stir up any special feeling. Everything only felt so dull and hazy, maybe because of the medicine. But today was a special day. A day that must be written down on the diary if I had one. But I didn’t keep any diary and I didn’t want to cause trouble while writing such thing. Today I lied for the first time. I looked into the doctor’s eyes and pretended I was depressed. I said, “I don’t remember anything.”

Jungkook 30 September YEAR 20

“Jeon Jungkook. You’re coming there recently too, aren’t you?” I didn’t answer, just standing there looking at the tips of my sneakers. He hit my head with the roll book for not answering. Still, I made no move to talk, The classroom where I was together with the hyungs. Ever since the day I followed them and discovered that classroom, there was not a single day I didn’t come there. They probably didn’t know this too. Sometimes they didn’t  show up there, busy meeting friends or working part-time. Sometimes I didn’t see Yoongi-hyung or Seokjin-hyung for days. But not for me. I went there every single day. There were days no one else would come. But it was okay. If that place still exists, the hyungs would come today, tomorrow, or the following day, so it was okay.

“You learned only bad things from hanging out with those kids.” One more hit. I glared up at him. Another hit. I thought of when Yoongi-hyung was hit. I clenched my teeth and endured. I didn’t want to lie that I didn’t come to the classroom.

I once again stood in front of that classroom. It felt like if I open the door, the hyungs would be there. They would be playing games and turn around to ask me why I was so late. Seokjin-hyung and Namjoon-hyung would read books, Taehyungie-hyung would play games, Yoongi-hyung would play the piano and Hoseok-hyung and Jimin-hyung would be dancing.

But when I opened the door, there was only Hoseok-hyung. He was packing our stuff left in the classroom. I just stood there grabbing the doorknob. He approached and draped an arm over my shoulder. Then he pulled me outside. “Let’s go now.” The classroom door closed behind me. And then I realized. Those days are gone and would never come back.

Hoseok 25 February YEAR 21

I danced without taking my eyes off my reflection in the mirror. The me in there soared up without touching the ground, free from all the gazes and standards of the world. Nothing mattered to me but moving my body to the music, putting my whole heart into my body.

I first danced when I was about twelve. Maybe it was around the time of the talent show in a field trip. I followed my friends and stood on the stage. Among what happened that day, I could still remember the applause and the cheer. And the feeling of being myself for the first time. At that time, I was only thinking of moving my body to the music and having fun. It was ecstasy, and it was not until much later did I learn that that ecstasy didn’t come from the applause, it came from somewhere inside me.

The me outside the mirror is hung up by many things. I can’t lift my feet off the ground for more than a few seconds, I smile even when I hate it and smile when I’m sad too.. I take medicines I don’t need yet still collapse anywhere. So I try not to take my eyes off myself in the mirror when I dance. The moment I can truly become myself. The moment I can throw away all the weight and fly. The moment that makes me believe I can become happy. I keep my eyes on that moment.

Namjoon 17 December YEAR 21

People waiting for the first bus rubbed their hands together at the cold wind. I clutched the straps of my bag tightly and looked down to the ground. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. A country village only two buses stops at a day. The first was approaching from afar.

I followed after people and got on the bus. I didn’t look back. When we’re desperate for something, when we has grabbed hold of it and now the only thing left to do is escaping, there’s one condition. To not look back. The moment we look back, all our efforts will go up in smoke. Looking back is doubting, is lingering attachment and fear. Only after we’re over it can we truly escape.

The bus departed. I had no plan. I wasn’t desperate for anything, not did I grab hold of it and was escaping. It was more like an impromptu getaway. A getaway from my mother’s tired face, my sibling who’s feeling lost, my father’s illness. A getaway from my household situation that’s getting more stressful over time, from my family who insist on sacrifice and peace, from myself who pretended like I knew nothing and resigned, striving to adapt myself, and most of all, from poverty.

If you ask if poverty is a crime, anyone would say it’s not. But is it really not? Poverty eats away so many things. It makes what we used to treasure become nothing. It makes us give up what we could not. It makes us doubt, fear and resign.

Just few hours later, this bus will stop at a familiar stop. One year ago, I didn’t leave any goodbye when I left this place. And now I’m coming back there without any omen or notice. My friends’ faces came up in my mind. I cut contact with all of them. How have they been doing? Will they welcome me? Will we be able to gather and laugh like we used to? Outside, the landscape was rendered invisible by the frosty windows. I slowly moved my fingers above it.

“You must live on.”

Hoseok 2 March YEAR 22

I liked being among people. AFter leaving the orphanage to live on my own, I started working part-time at a fast food restaurant, a job that required facing many people, smiling and being cheerful all the time. I liked it. Truthfully, there wasn’t much to smile at and be cheerful about in my life. It was evident I met more bad people than good ones. Perhaps that was why I liked that job even more. Beaming at them and responding with a loud voice, even if forcefully, I felt like I really felt that way. My mood’s lifted up as I laughed aloud and I became a kind person as I treated people with kindness. There were days so tough that by the time I finished cleaning the restaurant and headed back home, even taking a step felt gruelling already. Still, it was a little easier to make it through with my friends around than now.

Sometimes, I looked at the customers filling the restaurant and thought about my friends. Seokjin-hyung, who transferred school and left without a word; Namjoon, who just disappeared one morning; Yoongi-hyung, who went out of contact after getting expelled; Taehyung, who no one knew where and what kind of trouble he would get into; and Jimin, who I last saw at the ER and never came back to school again. I saw Jungkook coming home from school in his uniform several times through the windows not long ago, but somehow he didn’t stop by the restaurant. I wondered if those times had gone now.

At the sound of a customer coming in, I chirped a loud welcome. And I flashed a big, healthy smile, looking back at the door.

Taehyung 29 March YEAR 22

THe gas station owner spit at the ground and left. I lay there, curled up on the ground. I was graffitiing on the wall behind the gas station when the owner caught me. He beat me after asking what the hell I was doing at someone else’s wall. I rolled over on the ground. Getting beaten was something far too familiar to me but at the same time, something I could never get used to. It was not long ago when I started graffitiing. I tried spraying on the wall with a spray can someone left behind. It was yellow, I think. I just sprayed mindlessly and looked up, at the vivid yellow paint on the gray wall, then picked up another spray. For a while, I just sprayed, clueless of whatever was going on my mind. I only stopped after all the spray cans had run out. I threw the cans away and stepped back, out of breath as if I just sprinted with all my might.

I had no idea what the colors on the wall represented, clueless of what I was doing or why I was doing it. But one thing I could figure out was that it was my feelings. I had sprayed my feelings out onto the wall. At first I thought it was hideous, dirty, even. Foolish, useless, pathetic. I didn’t like it at all. I rubbed the wet paint with my palms, wanting to erase everything away.  The paint didn’t go away, instead smudged into another color and mangled into a different shape. I flopped back down against the wall. It wasn’t a matter of whether I liked it or not, nor whether it was pretty or not. It’s just, it was me.

I pushed myself up as a cough came out. Blood splattered on my palm, probably from the new cut inside my mouth. And then, I saw someone’s hand picking up the spray can. My gaze followed the hand until it met a face. It was Namjoon-hyung. I chuckled. So I was seeing things. He gave me his hand. I just looked up at him. He pulled my and and helped me up. His hand was warm.

Yoongi 7 April YEAR 22

I stopped walking at the clumsy piano sound. At the empty construction site in the middle of the night, there was only the crackling sound from a fire someone had lit in the drum can. I could tell it was the song I used to play, but I didn’t really have any thought. My drunken footsteps wobbled. I closed my eyes and walked even more mindlessly. Heat from the fire became stronger and the piano sound, the air of the night, even my intoxication fade away.

At the sudden horn, I opened my eyes, narrowly escaping a passing car. Amid the glare of the headlight, the wind from cars passing by and the chaos of my intoxication, I staggered helplessly. A driver was spitting out curses. I stopped, about to curse back when I realized, I could no longer hear the piano sound. Amid the sound of the blazing fire, the sound of the wind, the noise left behind by cars, there was no way the piano sound could be heard. Seems like it stopped. Why did it stop? Was someone playing the piano?

With a snap, sparks of the fire in the drum can surged towards the darkness. I stared vacantly at it for a while. My face flushed from the heat. That was when I heard the sound of someone slamming down the piano keys with fist. Instinctively, I turned around. In a second, my blood was running wild, breath growing ragged. My childhood nightmare. It was like the sound I heard at that place.

The next moment, I was running. My body turned around on itself not on my own will, running towards the music shop. Somehow it felt like this had repeatedly happened countless of times. Like I was forgetting something really urgent.

The music shop with broken windows. Someone was sitting in front of the piano. It had been years but I still could recognize him at once. He was crying. I clenched my fists. I didn’t want to get involved with someone else’s life. Didn’t want to comfort someone else’s loneliness. Didn’t want to become a meaningful person to someone else. I didn’t have the confidence that I would be able to protect that person. Didn’t have the confidence to be with them till the end. I didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want to get hurt.

I slowly moved my steps. I was about to turn around and leave, but unknowingly, I came closer. And pointed out to him the wrong note. Jungkook lifted his head and looked up at me. “Hyung.” It was the first time we met after I dropped out of school.

Seokjin 11 April YEAR 22

When I opened my eyes, it was the 11th of April again. Sunlight was streaming in through the open curtains. I pushed myself up as my eyes closed from the dizziness. My surroundings transformed into crimson afterimages and I thought of Taehyung, standing alone on the observation deck by the sea. It was the 22th of May. It was the past and the future, an occurrence that had happened and could happen in the future. It was the moment I thought everything was resolved.

I caught the sight of Taehyung climbing up the observation deck when the sun was starting to set. The sky was still blue but a dark red hue had begun to spread. I turned around and saw Taehyung climbing up the observation deck. Taehyung reached the top and lowered his gaze at us for a moment. And then he jumped. He leaped down like he was a bird, like he was carrying wings. For a moment, I thought he stopped in mid-air, until it felt like the mirror broke, curtains drawn open and the cold wind surged in.

When I opened my eyes, it was today, the 1tth of April.

Jungkook 11 April YEAR 22

At last, my wish was granted. I purposely bumped into the thugs on the street and was beaten as much as I wanted to be. I kept smiling as I was beaten, and so they beat me up more, calling me crazy. I leaned against the shutter door and looked up at the sky. It was already night. There was nothing in the pitch black sky. A single clump of grass stood not far away. It was lying flat from the wind. It was just like me. I forced myself to laugh to stop the tears from falling.

Under my closed eyes, I saw my stepfather clearing his throat. My half-brother was chuckling. My stepfather’s relatives were either looking somewhere else or talking about useless stuff. They acted like I wasn’t there, like my existence was nothing. In front of them, my mother was flustered. She pushed herself from the floor, making a cloud of dust rise in the process and coughed. It hurt, like someone was cutting into the pit of my stomach with a knife. I climbed up to the rooftop of the construction site. The city at night was stretching with frightful colors. I climbed on top of the banister, spreading my arms out and walked. For a moment, my legs wobbled and I almost lost balance. Just one more step and I would die, I thought. But if I die, everything would be over. No one would be sad if I disappear.

Jungkook 11 April YEAR 22

I walked on the railing on the rooftop of a building that had been left in its construction-halted state. I stuck out my foot as the darkness crept up from my toes. Beneath the railing, the night city spread out in a chaotic mess. Neon signs, car horns, acrid clouds of dust swirling in the dark. For a second, I swayed from the dizziness. I spread my arms wide to regain balance. And I thought. Just one stop. One step and all of this would be over. I leaned towards the dark a little. The darkness that began from the tip of my feet soon spread like it was going to devour my entire body. I closed my eyes and the chaotic city, the noise, the fear, all went away. I held my breath and slowly, I leaned over. No thought crossed my head. Nobody came to my mind. There was nothing I wanted to leave behind, nothing I would remember. This was just the way it ended.

It was then, the moment my phone rang. I came to myself like I just woke up from a distant dream. All the numbed senses returned in an instant. I took out my phone. It was Yoongi-hyung.

Yoongi 11 April YEAR 22

I walked, noticing Jungkook who was following from a distance behind. Containers popped up one after  another along the stretch of railway. “It’s the fourth to last container.” Hoseok added. “I planned to meet up with Namjoon and Taehyung, you should come too.” I said okay, but truthfully I had no intention of going. I loathed getting entangled with people and Hoseok knew that too. He probably wouldn’t have thought I would show up for real.

I flung open the door to Hoseok’s surprised face. He spotted Jungkook and came closer with his signature exaggerated face of mixed emotions. I walked past them, heading inside the container. “It’s been awhile.” I heard an embarrassed Jungkook scuffling with Hoseok who was trying to hug him.

Soon, Namjoon entered, taking Taehyung along. Taehyung’s T-shirt was ripped on one side. Asked what happened, Namjoon pretended to smack Taehyung and said, “Dude’s doing graffiti and got caught by the cops. Had to get him out so I was late”. Taehyung pretended to be sorry exaggeratedly and went on and one about how his shirt got ripped from running away from the cops.

I sat in the corner and watched them. Namjoon was giving Taehyung another shirt to change into. Hoseok was taking out some hamburgers and drinks. Somewhere between them, Jungkook stood awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

Looking back, it was also the same back in high school. Somewhere inside our hideout classroom, Namjoon would try to reason with Taehyung only to get teased back, Hoseok would bustle in and out while Jungkook, unsure of where his place was, paced around.

How long had it been since we gathered like this? I couldn’t remember. How had it been for Seokjin-hyung and Jimin? These thoughts were not like me at all. I had never been to this place before but strangely, I felt at peace.

Namjoon 11 April YEAR 22

I was groping around some T-shirts when Taehyung reached out from behind and grabbed one. It was a T-shirt with the same printed quote as the one I was wearing. Taehyung laughed sheepishly, taking off his torn shirt. Under the dim light hanging on the trailer box, for a second, I saw his bruised back. Hoseok looked at me in shock. Taehyung looked at himself in the mirror wearing my T-shirt. And he laughed.

“Dude’s doing some graffiti or something, got caught by the cops while running around. Had to get him out so I was late.” I pretended to smack Taehyung and Taehyung in turn made an exaggerated expression of fake apology. Yoongi-hyung, who was sitting at the corner of the trailer, slowly approached and tapped Taehyung’s shoulder.

Seokjin 11 April YEAR 22

I came to the sea alone. Inside the viewfinder, the sea was wide open and blue as ever. Even the sunlight dispersing on the water, the wind blowing through the pine forest, they were still the same. The only thing changed was that I was alone. One press of the shutter button and the scenery in front of my eyes flashed, for a moment, that day 2 years and 10 months ago appeared and quickly vanished again. That day we were sitting together in front of this day. Tired, empty-handed, hopeless, but we were together. I turned my car around and stepped on the accelerator. I drove through the tunnel, passing the rest stop. Somewhere near the school where we used to go to, I opened the car window. It was a night in spring. The air was warm and cherry blossoms were fluttering about on the trees ranging along the school walls. I left the school, crossed through the crossroad and made a few turns. Not far away, I could see the lights from the gas station where Namjoon works at.

Seokjin 11 April YEAR 22

The car screeched to a narrow halt. I was too deep in thoughts to notice the traffic lights changed. Students wearing familiar uniforms crossed the road and stared at me through the windshield. Some people were even pointing at me. I tried to laugh and bow.

I knew what I had to do. But it wasn’t like I was not scared. Will I be able to end all of these miseries and pain? Does these repeated failures mean I can never succeed? Does it mean I should give up? Is happiness only false hope to us? Thousands of thoughts flashed through my head.

In no time, I reached the gas station intersection and saw Namjoon pumping fuel some distance away. I took a deep breath in and exhaled. Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook, I recalled their faces one by one. I changed lanes and drove into the gas station. I couldn’t give up. Even if there is only 1% chance of success, I will never give up. Past the windshield, I saw Namjoon walking towards me.

Namjoon 11 April YEAR 22

I finished with the refuelling and turned around. Something brushed past my face and fell down to the ground. Unconsciously, I stepped back and looked down to find a crumpled note at my feet. I instinctively bent down and reached out a hand. A spill of rowdy laughter came from people in the car. I momentarily paused. Seokjin-hyung must be watching from distance away. I couldn’t look up. What should you do when you meet eyes with people who ride in expensive cars and go around looking down and make fun of others? You stand up. You stand up if their actions are wrongful. It’s not a matter of courage, self-esteem or equality. It’s a matter of fact.

But this was a gas station and I was a part-time attendant. If a customer throws trash, I have to clean it up; if a customer throws curses, I have to hear it; if a customer throws money, I have to pick it up. My body trembled from the humiliation. I clenched my fists tight, nails digging into my palms.

That moment, someone’s hand picked up the note and handed it to me. The people in the car muttered and left the gas station, having seemingly lost interest. Even after they had left, I still couldn’t look up. I didn’t have the guts to look into Seokjin-hyung’s eyes. It wasn’t like he didn’t know about my cowardice, my poverty, my circumstance, but I didn’t want to show him this unconcealedly. He stood at the end of my sight unmoving. He didn’t approach, didn’t talk to me either.

Namjoon 28 April YEAR 22

I had noticed something was going on with Taehyung a long time ago. He acted like nothing happened on the outside but his momentary actions, his face, the way he talked was painted with the anxiety of not knowing what to do. He was in and out of police station, wounds visible on his body. And he had nightmares.

I didn’t ask what happened or urge him to talk about it to me, because I was waiting for Taehyung to tell me himself and on the other hand, I doubted I had any right to hear such distress. I pretended to be the older one, to be an adult, but in truth I couldn’t be by their side during their hard times. Everyone praised highly of how mature I was yet I wasn’t a real adult. I only hesitated, unable to look at the reality in front of my eyes.

“Yoongi-hyung was dead.” Taehyung had another nightmare today. I shook him by the shoulders and he jolted awake, then sat there vacantly for a while. He didn’t even think of wiping the tears in his eyes and just muttered incoherently. He said that Yoongi was dead, Jungkook had an accident and he got into a fight, that he kept having such dream and it was so vivid he felt like that dream was real and we were now inside a dream. “Hyung, don’t go anywhere.” His voice trembled with uneasiness.

Yoongi 2 May YEAR 22

The sheet caught on fire and blazed up instantly. Amid the unbearable heat, everything that was once humble lost their presence. I could no longer feel the sour, moldy smell, the unidentifiable dampness and the dank light. Instead, what remained was the pain. The physical pain that was the heat. The tips of my fingers and my skin felt like they would be blistered and melt down from the overwhelming heat. For the first time, my father’s expressionless face and the sound of the music dissipated.

My father and I were different in many ways. He couldn’t understand me, I couldn’t understand him. Would I be able to persuade him if I had tried? Perhaps no. The only thing I could do was to hide, rebel, to run away. Sometimes the thought that it wasn’t my father that I was getting away from crossed my mind. And then came the precipitous fear. What am I running away from? How can I escape from myself? Everything felt impossible.

I faintly registered the sound of someone calling my name, but I didn’t look up. I couldn’t breathe, whether from the heat or the pain I didn’t know. There was no strength to move left in me but still, I could make it out. It was Jungkook. He must be so mad at me. Probably would grieve for me too. I just wanted to sit down. I wanted to end all the smoke and heat, pain and fear here. Jungkook was shouting something again but I still couldn’t place it. My vision faltered and I lifted my eyes up for the last time. There they were, the last things I saw on this world. The dirty, isolated room, the glowing hot flame, flickering heat, and Jungkook’s face.

Jungkook 2 May YEAR 22

I looked up only to see myself standing in front of Namjoon-hyung’s container. I opened the door and entered. I gathered the scattering clothes, draped around myself and curled up. It was chilly. My whole body was shaking and I felt like crying, but no tear came out.

When I opened the door and came in, Yoongi-hyung was standing on the bed. Flames were bursting from the bed sheet. That moment, an uncontrollable rage and sense of fear coiled around me, I wasn’t good with words. I wasn’t good with expressing my emotions to persuade someone either. Tears welled up and I coughed and the words just kept getting stuck in my throat unable to come out. The only thing I could utter as I flung myself into the fire was ‘We all promised to go to the sea together.’

“What happened? Did you have a nightmare?” I opened my eyes at someone shaking my shoulders. It was Namjoon-hyung. Somehow I felt safe. He felt my forehead and said I had a fever. Maybe I really did. My mouth felt like it was on fire but my body felt uncontrollably cold. My head was throbbing and my throat hurt. I took the pills he bought me. “Sleep. Let’s talk later.” I nodded, and said. “Can I ever become an adult like you?” Namjoon-hyung turned and looked at me.

Hoseok 12 May YEAR 22

I opened the fire exit doors and ran down the stairs. My heart was pounding so fast it felt like it’s going to burst any moment. There was no doubt the fact that passed by me at the hospital corridor was my mom. The moment I turned around to look, the elevator door slid open and people stampeded out. Frantically, I pushed my way through the crowd and saw her walking into the fire exit in the distance. I ran down the stairs, taking two steps at a time from the restlessness. I went down several floors without resting.

“Mom!” She halted. I took another step forward. She turned around. I stepped down some more stairs. Her face started to come into my sight. It was that moment. My heel slipped on the stair edge and my body tilted forward. I squeezed my eye shut expecting a face plant. Someone grabbed my arm and I narrowly regained my balance. I looked back, Jimin was standing there with a shocked face. I didn’t get the chance to thank him and turned around again.

There was a woman. She looked surprised. Next to her was a young boy who was blinking his big eyes at me. She wasn’t my mother. I stared at the woman’s face and stood still on the stairs wordlessly.

I couldn’t recall what I said to get out of there. I didn’t ask Jimin how he showed up there too. My mind was too tangled to ponder over and care about the details. That woman was not my mother. Perhaps I had known the truth from the beginning. It had been more than ten years since the day I was left alone at the amusement park. She must have grown older and different from my memory of her. Even if we meet I wouldn’t be able to recognize her. No, I didn’t even remember her face now.

I looked back. Jimin was following me wordlessly. Jimin told me that after parting ways at the emergency room when we were high schoolers, he had spent his whole time at this hospital. I recalled his uncertain face when I asked if he wanted to leave. Perhaps Jimin was like me too, both prisoners of the memories that had been entrapping us, unable to send it away or capture it and just stay imprisoned. I took a step towards Jimin.

“Jimin. Let’s get out of here.”

Jimin 15 May YEAR 22

When I opened my eyes, Hoseok-hyung was standing there. Under the familiar ceiling, in the familiar darkness, he was looking down at me. Surprised, I pushed myself up but he put an index finger to my lips. It was quiet, like everyone else had gone to sleep. He immediately passed me a shirt and pointed his chin to outside the hospital room.

“We all came.” Namjoon-hyung was keeping watch and Yoongi-hyung was stalling by sticking to the nurse, he said. Jungkook and Taehyung would join later in the elevator. At first I couldn’t understand what he was saying. He reached out his hand to a bewildered me.

The day I leave the hospital. I used to dream about it. I wanted to leave the hospital and meet up with friends, laughing and chatting with each other like we used to before, but now, I’m not so sure anymore. Is leaving here a good thing? My parents who hid me here and treat me like I’m invisible. People who whisper that I have mental illness. Who knows, maybe Hoseok-hyung thinks so too. Maybe deep inside he could be thinking of me as a weird kid and find it uncomfortable to spend time with me.

“Quick. We don’t have time.” The clock’s ticking sounded strangely fast, perhaps because of his urge. Thump. Thump. Sound of footsteps rand like an auditory hallucination and slowly, it approached the room. He and I stared at the door at the same time and back at each other. His arm was still extended before me.

Jimin 16 May YEAR 22

Hoseok-hyung’s house was located on very high ground. A long walk up from the main road, through winding narrow alleys to the last house and its rooftop, was his house. We entered the house, a single room being its entire composition, as he boasted about how this was the top floor of the city and every place we grew up in was now under our feet. True to his words, I could see a lot from the rooftop.  A train station not far away, containers lining up along the railway. One of them was where Namjoon-hyung was living in. A diverting of the eyes and there was the school where we went to together. I looked for the school, then looked up at the other side of the city. Along the mountain foot lay a big apartment complex. That was my – no, my parents’ – house. I ran away from the hospital without a word. They must have contacted my parents and were already searching for me by now. I still hadn’t got the courage to face my parents. I left the hospital but I couldn’t come home. It didn’t mean I want to go back to the hospital. Yet, I had nowhere to go and no money to use. Seeing me standing hesitantly, he told me to follow him and led the way. And here we were, at his house.

I looked up at the apartment complex again. Someday I would have to go there, to meet my parents and let them know I would never go back to the hospital again. I took a deep breath. It felt like just the mere thought of it could trigger a seizure in me. Truthfully, even I couldn’t believe I would be able to endure it somewhere else other than the hospital. And intolerable fear struck me.

Jimin 19 May YEAR 22

At the end, I had to go to the flower arboretum. It’s time to stop lying I didn’t remember what happened there. Time to stop living in hiding at the hospital, stop having a seizure. In order to do so, I needed to go there. And so I searched days for this bus stop. But I couldn’t get on the shuttle bus to the flower arboretum.

Yoongi-hyung plopped down next to me after I had missed the third bus. I asked what he was doing here and he said he was simply bored and had nothing to do. He asked why I was sitting here. I lowered my head and kicked at the ground with the tips of my shoes. I thought about why I was sitting here. It was because I had no courage. I want to pretend that I was okay now, that I knew what I was talking about and I could easily overcome it but the truth is, I was scared. Scared of what I would face, whether or not I would be able to bear it and the chance of me having a seizure again.

Yoongi-hyung looked relaxed. He slumped down like had nothing to rush off for and said the weather’s nice along with some other nonsense stuff. Hearing him,I realized the weather was indeed nice. I was too nervous to look around me. The sky was blue and occasionally there would be a warm breeze blowing. Not far away, the shuttle bus to the flower arboretum was arriving. The bus stopped and the doors were opened. The driver looked at me. On a spur of the moment, I asked him.

“Hyung. Will you come with me?”

Taehyung 20 May YEAR 22

I looked down to my hands. They were smudged with blood. Suddenly, I lost all strength in my legs. I was about to flop down when someone hugged me from behind. The sun was beaming its weak rays through the window. My sister was crying and Hoseok-hyung was silently standing there without a word. The dirty furniture and blankets were littered around, just like usual. No one was left where my father was standing. I couldn’t recall when he left the room.

The uncontrollable rage and sorrow that was boiling inside me the moment I came at my father still remained the same. I couldn’t tell what held me back when I was about to stab my father. I couldn’t tell how to calm this insanity-bordering mind of mine. I didn’t want to kill my father, I wanted to die. If I could, I would gladly die now. No tears came out. I wanted to cry, to scream, to stomp on and destroy and break everything, to be broken, but I couldn’t do anything.

“Hyung. I’m sorry. I’m okay. Go.” My voice came out dry, a stark contrast to my mind that was bordering insanity. It didn’t sound like my voice. I send off him, who didn’t seem like he was leaving anytime soon, and looked down to my palm. Blood was seeping through the white bandage. Instead of stabbing my father, I hit the floor with the bottle. It shattered and gashed my palm. I closed my eyes and felt the world spinning around. What should I think? What should I do? How should I live? When my senses returned, I was looking down at Namjoon-hyung’s numbers. Even after things came to this, no, as things came to this, I was even more desperate for his presence. I wanted to tell him. Hyung. I almost killed my father, my father who gave birth to me, my father who beat me to a pulp every single day. I really almost killed him. No, the truth is I already did. I killed him thousands of times. I killed him so many times even I couldn’t count. I want to kill him. I want to die. What should I do now? I don’t know anymore. Hyung, I just want to see you.

Hoseok 20 May YEAR 22

I took Taehyung out of the police station with me. “Thank you for your hard work.” I bowed and shouted loudly, but I didn’t feel so. Taehyung’s house was not far from the police station. If he had lived somewhere far away, would he not need to go in and out of the police station this often? Why did Taehyung’s parents choose a place this close to the police station?  The world was so unfair to this kind, soft-hearted kid. I draped an arm around Taehyung’s shoulder, pretended like nothing happened and asked, “Are you hungry?” Taehyung shook his head. “Did the policemen buy you food?” I asked again but Taehyung gave no answer.

We walked in the sun. Cold winds were blowing inside my heart. If this is how I’m feeling, what about Taehyung? How torn and broken must he have felt? Was there even any piece of his heart left? How much pain there was inside him? I couldn’t look at him in the face with those thoughts in mind, so I looked up to the sky instead. An airplane was flying past the dim sunlight. The first time I saw the wounds on Taehyung’s back, it was when we met at Namjoon’s container hideout. Seeing Taehyung laugh so innocently over getting a T-shirt, no one could say anything, but inside a piece of our hearts was broken.

I didn’t have any parent. I had no memory of my dad and memories of my mom were only until I was 7 years old. When it came to wounds about family and childhood, I was never jealous with anyone. People say we must overcome wounds, we must embrace and grow used to them. We must reconcile and forgive in order to live. I couldn’t, not because I didn’t know nor I hated and refused to. Some things just can’t be accomplished through efforts. No one taught us the way. The world gave us new wounds before its knives grew blunt. I know there’s no one without wounds in this world. But why must the wounds be this deep? For what reason do we need them? Why must this happen?

“Hyung, I’m okay. I can go by myself.” Taehyung told me at the crossroad. “I know, kid.” I paid no attention to his words and led the way. “I’m really okay. Look. It’s nothing.” Taehyung smiled. I didn’t answer him. There was no way he was okay. He was far from okay, but if i admit this fact I wouldn’t be able to bear it. I was avoiding it. It had become a habit of mine. Taehyung pull up the hood of his hoodie and started following me. “You’re really not hungry?” I asked Taehyung at the hallway to his house. Taehyung just smiled foolishly and nodded. I watched him walking away from the back and turned around. The hallway he walked on and the path I took on the way back were desolate. The kid and I, we were both alone. I was about to look back when suddenly, my phone rang.

Taehyung 22 May YEAR 22

I was walking through the pine forest when I saw him taking the call, lagging behind. It happened a lot lately. He would make the call somewhere far away so others wouldn’t be able to listen. I purposely slowed down my pace and hid myself towards the sea. He didn’t see my and walked straight past. “He’s only a year younger than me.. I don’t care. It’s not something I can take responsibility for anyway. Please take care of it yourself.”

Something cold ran down my spine. Like the whole world had just collapsed, like I was floating in the middle of the deep sea alone. I was scared, terrified. I was miserable and pathetic. I was angry. Angry and couldn’t stand it. I wanted to do something bad, anything. I was always scared. Dad’s blood was flowing inside me. Who knows, maybe I inherited his violence gene. It felt like from inside the shield I had wrapped up so tightly, something was piercing through to come out.

Namjoon 22 May YEAR 22

“We’re just one year apart. No, someone said so. I’m older than him. I know. But he’s not a kid anymore. I’m just saying it’s time for him to do by himself. I got it. I said I got it. No, I’m not angry. Sorry.”

I ended the call and looked down to the ground. The warm sea breeze was sweeping through the pine forest. I felt so suffocated inside, like my heart would explode any second. On the ground mixed with half sand and half ground, the ants were lining up to go somewhere. If someone who’s greater than me in any aspect, physically or symbolically, look, would they see where I am going, know why I am going and how I will end up?

It’s not like I don’t love my parents, nor am I not worried for my sibling. If I can I want to look away, but I’m just me, so clearly that won’t happen. If it happens, what would all these struggles, anger, frustration and this desire to escape mean?

Some distance away, I saw someone from the back, standing nailed to the spot just like I was. It was Jungkook. Jungkook once told me this. “I want to become an adult like you.” I could tell him then. Tell him that I’m not a good adult like he thought, that no, I’m not even an adult. I felt like it would be too cruel to tell him so. I couldn’t tell a young kid couldn’t get the faith, the care and love he deserved that growing older, growing taller and living longer doesn’t make you an adult. I hoped for Jungkook’s future to be kinder to him than mine did, but I couldn’t promise that I would be there to help him. I approached and draped an arm around his shoulder. Jungkook looked up at me.

Taehyung 22 May YEAR 22

“Hyung, that’s all? Isn’t there anything else you’re hiding from us?” Everyone immediately fell into silence, every gaze directed at me. I stared straight at Seokjin-hyung. He stared back at me, his eyes tinged with weariness, discomfort and something akin to pity. The moment I tried to press him again, someone grabbed my arm and stopped me. I didn’t look back but I could know. It was Namjoon-hyung.

“What does this have to do with you? You’re not even my real brother.” I could feel he was looking at me. I shook his hand off without turning around. I was well aware too, that I was getting mad at Namjoon-hyung for no reason. I was repeating what he said on the phone to someone else to let him know that I was angry with him right now, that I was really upset. There was nothing wrong in his words. I was only a year younger than him. I wasn’t his real brother. I needed to take care of my own problem. But still, I was upset, even angrier at the fact that there was nothing to refute. I had hoped he could understand how I felt.

“Taehyung, I’m sorry. Let’s stop here.” It was Seokjin-hyung who spoke up. Calling my name, apologizing, both were Seokjin-hyung. Namjoon-hyung didn’t say anything. “Stop what? Tell everything while we’re at it. Hyung, you’re hiding something from us.”

“Let’s go outside and talk.” Namjoon-hyung said, grabbing my arm again. I shook him off one more time but he applied more force and tried to pull me outside. I held on. “Let me go. What right do you have to stop me? What do you even know? You know nothing. You think you’re some great guy?” It was then. He let go of me and I staggered from the rebound. No it wasn’t from the rebound. The moment he let go of my arm, it felt like a link was severed, everything that held me up cracking, splitting, crumbling to pieces. Perhaps I had hoped he wouldn’t let go of me until the end, that he would get mad at me and drag me outside. Perhaps I had hoped, wished he would scold me more, like one would to their real brother, to someone so close and important that they just couldn’t afford to back down.

But he let go of me. I laughed out loud. “What’s so great about being together? What are we even to each other? We’re all alone in the end.” That moment, Seokjin-hyung hit me.

Jungkook 22 May YEAR 22

I thought I was floating in the air but in no time, it turned into the hard ground. For a while, I couldn’t feel anything. My body only felt so heavy that I couldn’t even lift my eyelids. I couldn’t even gulp or breathe. My consciousness faded as my surroundings slowly grew faint.

And then, my whole body jolted in fits as if I was startled by something. In the midst of the pain and thirst which I couldn’t pinpoint exactly where, I unknowingly opened my eyes. Through my vision, strained like it was covered by sand, I saw something shimmering. I thought it was a fire, but it wasn’t. It was bright, grand and hazy. It wasn’t moving, just floating on the air. I watched it for a while and slowly, it took a shape. It was the moon.

I didn’t know if it was because I was twisting my neck or not, but the world was upside down. In that world, the moon was hanging upside down. I coughed to catch my breath, but I couldn’t move. After that, I felt a chill. I was scared. I moved my lips but no word came out. My eyes weren’t closed, yet there was only darkness in front of me. As my consciousness faded away, someone spoke up.

“To live would be more painful than to die, do you still want to live then?”

Hoseok 31 May YEAR 22

Breath suddenly stifled, I avoided the gazes as an instinct. My breath was shaking after dancing for a while, but it wasn’t the cause. I was struck with a thought of how she looked like my mother. No, it wasn’t a thought, wasn’t a recognition, nor was it something I could explain or describe. I couldn’t look straight at the face of the friend whom I had known for more than ten years. We learned dancing together, failed together, fell into despair and cheered up together. We lay down on the floor covered in sweat, throwing towels and joking around. As if touched by a sensation I had never felt before, I scrambled to my feet. As soon as I turned around the corner, I leaned against the wall and stood there. I tried to calm down my unsettled breathe, but there came a sound saying “Where are you going, Hoseok-ah?” A voice, maybe it was a voice. A voice calling “Hoseok-ah.” A voice that I can’t even recall well now, that goes back to when I was seven years old.

Yoongi 8 June YEAR 22

I took off my T-shirt. The me inside the mirror was nothing like me at all. The T-shirt with 'DREAM' written on it wasn't my type in any way. I hated the color red, the word "dream", and even the way it clung tightly onto my body. Annoyed, I took out the cigarette and looked for my lighter. There was nothing in my jeans pocket, so I looked through the bag and realized. It was taken away. It was taken from my hands just like that. I was left with the lollipop and this T-shirt. I ruffled my hair and stood up, but then heard a sound signaling a message came. The moment I saw the name with three words on the phone screen, everything around me suddenly lit up and my heart dropped with a thud. I read the message and snapped my cigarette into two. The next moment, I was smiling in the mirror. Wearing a tight red shirt with 'DREAM' on it, I was smiling like an idiot.

Seokjin 13 June YEAR 22

After returning from that sea, we were all alone.

Like it was all set, we didn’t contact each other. We only assumed the existence of each other from the graffiti on the streets, the gas station lighting brightly, the piano sound from the old building. Every time like that, the afterimage of that night came back to haunt me like a phantom. Taehyung’s pupils that blazed with fire, all the eyes that looked at me as if hearing an unbelievable story, Namjoon’s hands that stopped Taehyung, and me who couldn’t endure and threw my fists towards Taehyung.

After Taehyung ran away, we couldn’t find him, no one stayed at the seaside dorm after returning. The broken glass cup, the bloodstain that was starting to get clotted, the crumbled snack pieces, they only reminded us of what happened few hours ago. A photo fell down then. It was the photo we took at the sea, smiling together.

I passed by the gas station today. One day we will meet again. One day we will smile together like we did in that photo. One day I will gather the courage to face myself. But now, it is not the time yet. The humid wind blew today, just like that day. And the next moment, my phone rang like a warning. The photo hanging on the mirror of my room was shaking. Hoseok’s name appeared on the screen.

“Hyung, Jungkook got into an accident that night.”

Yoongi 15 June YEAR 22

I couldn’t perceive anything but the music blasting inside my head. How much I have drunk, where I am, what I was doing. I didn’t want to know, nor did I feel them to be of any importance. When I stumbled outside, the night had already come. I just let my feet take me. Pedestrians, stalls, walls, I just bumped against anywhere. It didn’t matter. I just wanted to forget everything.

Jimin’s voice still rang vividly in my mind. “Hyung. Jungkook—” Next thing I remember, I was running up the hospital stairs like crazy. The hallways in the hospital were strangely dark and long. Passing by were people wearing patient’s clothes. My heart was pounding. Their faces were ghastly pale. They showed no expression, like they were all dead. Inside my head, the sound of my breathing was banging loudly.

Past the slightly opened door of the room lay Jungkook. Unknowingly, I turned my head. I couldn’t look at him. At that moment, the piano sound, the flame, the sound of the building collapsing suddenly came to my ears. I covered my head and flopped down. It said “It’s all because of you.” It said “If only you didn’t exist.” It was my mom’s voice, no, it was my voice, no, it was someone’s voice. Those words tormented me for god knows how long. I wanted to believe that it’s not true. But Jungkook was lying there. Jungkook was lying there in the hall, with people whose faces were pale as dead passing by. I just couldn’t come in. I couldn’t confirm. And so I stood up, legs wobbling. As I came back out, my tears fell. Funny. I didn’t remember what was the last time I cried.

I turned around at someone grabbing my arm when I was about to cross the road. Who was it? No, it didn’t matter. Anyone was the same. Don’t come near me. Go. Please just leave me alone. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to get hurt. So please, just don’t come near me

Taehyung 25 June YEAR 22

I slowed down on purpose and listened carefully to the small sound of someone running behind me. Today was the third time we ran into each other at the convenience store. If there was any difference, it’s that she ran away as soon as she saw me. She strolled around the empty lot behind the convenience store and hid away right after I showed up. She thought she were hiding well, but their shadow was stretching out to the front of the empty lot. I giggled. I walked away pretending I didn’t see anything, and she began to follow me.

I entered a narrow alley. This was the only place in this neighborhood where the street lamps weren’t broken. The alley ran long with the street lamp standing somewhere halfway. When the source of the light is ahead, the shadow stretches behind. So right now my shadow would cast behind me. Maybe it would even reach the feet of the person who had been following me with bated breath. I soon reached the street lamp and my shadow immediately hid under my feet. I began to speed up my pace. Leaving the lamp behind, now my shadow started to cast in front of me. Soon enough, another shadow that wasn’t mine appeared on the dusty cement road. As I stopped, she stopped and stood there as well. Two shadows of different heights standing still side by side.

I spoke. “I’m gonna wait until you come here.” The shadow jumped as if surprised, and held its breath like it wasn’t there. “I can see you.” I pointed at the shadow. Soon. the sound of footsteps began to approach me, stamping on purpose. I laughed.

Namjoon 30 June YEAR 22

With somewhat a weird feeling, I looked at my hands pressing the open button as if it had a will of its own. There were moments like this. Moments that even though it was clearly the first time, I feel like it had repeatedly happened countless of times. Right before the elevator door closed, it opened again and people crowded in. I spotted someone with hair tied up by a yellow rubber band. It wasn’t because I know that person would be here that I pressed the open button, but I felt like that person would definitely be here. I slowly stepped further to the back. I lifted my head up as my back pressing against the cold elevator wall, the yellow rubber band coming into my view.

A person’s back speaks up many thing.  Among them, I can only understand a few. Some I can vaguely guess and some are ultimately left ungrasped. I was suddenly struck with the thought that you can only say you know a person when you are able to read everything from their back. If so, maybe there would also be someone who can read me from my back. As I looked up, our eyes met in the mirror. For a second, I avoided the gaze. When I looked up, there was only my face in the mirror. My back was no longer seen.

Jimin 3 July YEAR 22

I eventually lay down on the floor. After turning off the music, everything around me became quiet, nothing heard save for the sound of my breathing and the thundering of my heart. I pulled out my phone and played the choreography video I learned by day. His movements in the videos were smooth and accurate. I knew it was the result of countless hours, sweat and practice, and it was greed to someone who didn’t have much like me. But understanding and desiring were different, so I often sighed. I stood up all of a sudden again. I could mimic his turns but my steps were still messed up. I kept making mistakes at the part where we changed position and match the formation. We decided to match it tomorrow, but until then, I wanted to do it properly, one way or another. Rather than a joking “Pretty good” compliment, I wanted to be acknowledged as a real and equal partner like when I danced with him.

Jimin 4 July YEAR 22

When my senses returned, I was already washing my arm so hard that my skin was threatening to come off. My hands were shaking, breathe coming up and down. Blood was streaming down my arm. In the mirror, I saw my bloodshot eyes. Fragments of what happened earlier came back to me.

Suddenly, I lost focus. I was dancing together with a noona from the dance club when our moves got tangled and we bumped into each other. I tumbled down the rough floor and my arm started bleeding. That moment, I thought back of what happened at the flower arboretum. I thought I was over it but I wasn’t. I had to run away. I had to wash. I had to turn away. The me in the mirror was still that same 8-year-old kid stomping in the rain to run away. And then suddenly I remember. She also fell down with me.

No one was in the practice room. Past the slightly opened door, the rain was beating hard. I saw Hoseokie-hyung running not far away. He was soaked in the rain. I took the umbrella and dashed out. I ran. Eventually, I halted.

There was nothing I could do. All I could was to fall down and make her hurt, tremble at my own injury and leave her there only to belatedly run and stop halfway. I turned around and walked. Rain splattered on my sneakers with each step. The cars’ headlights flashed by. I wasn’t okay. No, I was. It didn’t hurt. This wound was nothing. I was really okay.

Hoseok 4 July YEAR 22

I went out to the hallway while waiting for first aid. The hospital hallway was crowded with people walking around even at this time of the night. Water was dripping down from my hair drenched by the rain and sweat. As I shook my hair, her bag fell down. All kinds of miscellaneous stuff spilled out. Coins were rolling, ball pens and towels everywhere. Among them, there was an airplane E-ticket. I picked it up and briefly looked through it.

Then, the doctor called me. It was just a mild concussion, there was nothing big to worry about, the doctor said. A moment later, she came out. “Are you okay?” She said she had a little headache and was about to take her bag back from me. Then she saw the E-ticket sticking out and looked at me. I shifted the bag to the other shoulder, pretending like nothing happened and rushed her to go. When we got to the entrance, it was raining. We stood side by side in front of the door.

“Hoseok-ah”. She called. She looked like she had something to say. “Wait a moment. I’ll go buy an umbrella.” I mindlessly ran in the rain. There was a convenience store not far away. I knew she auditioned for a dance team overseas not long ago. Seeing she already got the airplane ticket, seems like she passed. I didn’t want to hear what she said. I didn’t have the confidence to congratulate her.

Namjoon 13 July YEAR 22

I rested my head against the window. From the library to the gas station, the same commute everyday. Outside the windows passed the sickeningly familiar landscapes. Will I ever escape these landscapes? I felt that it was impossible to predict what would come tomorrow, what I could hope for.

A girl sat few seats in front of me, hair tied back with a yellow rubber band. She raised her shoulders up as if heaving a sigh and sat down. And then she rested her head against the window. We have been studying at the same library and taking the bus at the same station for more than a month. We never talked but we saw the same landscapes, lived the same time and heaved the same sigh. The hair tie was still in the pocket of my pants.

The girl always got off three stops ahead of me. Every time I saw her getting off, I wondered if she would go to to hand out the flyers again. What did she have to go through? What did she have to endure? How much of the hopelessness that is tomorrow would never come, that is there was already no such thing as tomorrow from the start did she feel? I thought.

The girl’s stop was approaching. Someone pressed the stop button and shortly after, passengers stood up from their seats. But the girl wasn’t among them. She stood still in her seat with head resting against the window. Seems like she was sleeping. Should I go and wake her up? I debated for a moment. The bus reached the stop. The girl still remained the same. People got off. The door closed and the bus left.

The girl didn’t wake up once while the bus passed three stops. As I walked to the door, I debated with myself once again. Obviously if I get off, no one would pay attention to the girl. By the time she wakes up, the bus would be far away from where she was supposed to get off. Who knows how more tiring her day would get because of it.

I got off the bus and started walking to the gas station. The bus soon departed and I didn’t look back. I left the hair tie on her bag but that was it. It wasn’t the start nor was it the end. There was nothing from the beginning so there was no reason for anything to happen. So it was nothing at all, I thought.

Jungkook 16 July YEAR 22

I stood by the window, plugged in my earphones and slowly sang along to the song. It has already been a week. Now I could sing along without looking at the lyrics. I took out one earphone and practiced with my voice. She said she liked it because the lyrics were beautiful, but the lyrics were embarrassing, so I just scratched my head. The sunlight of July was streaming through the big window frame. The green leaves were fluttering and shining, probably because of the wind, and the touch that the sunlight left on my face felt different each time. I closed my eyes. I looked at the yellow, red and blue tingeing behind my closed eyes. I don’t know if it was because of the lyrics or because of the sun, but something was rising from inside my heart, tingling and burning.

Taehyung 17 July YEAR 22

My sides felt like they were being torn apart. Sweat was dripping down me. The railway, the vacant lot behind the convenience store, under the overpass, I couldn’t find her anywhere. I even ran to the bus stop but she was nowhere to be seen. People waiting for their buses gave me an odd look. What happened? We didn’t promise to meet but it was weird. She always popped up out of nowhere and followed me around. She wouldn’t give up even if I told her she’s annoying. But everywhere we went together, I couldn’t find her.

I stopped on my tracks in front of a familiar wall. It was a graffiti we drew together, her first ever graffiti. A giant “X” was drawn on top of it. It was her. I didn’t see it in person but I knew it. Why? I had no answer for that. Instead, the afterimages stacked up above the wall.

Her smile flashing at me when I knocked my head while lying on the railway. Her hands helping me up when I fell while helping her run away. Her face burning with anger when I stole the bread. Her gloomy look when we passed the photo studio where a family portrait was hung at the front. Her gaze unconsciously following the passing students. I told her when we were spraying on this wall together. “If you have any trouble, don’t suffer alone, tell me.” The X symbol was drawn on top of all those memories, like it was saying everything was fake. Like it was saying they were all a lie. I unknowingly clenched my fists. Why? I had no answer. I turned around and walked. Both I and she, we were once again alone.

Namjoon 20 July YEAR 22

I leafed through the advertisement pages of the magazine and looked up. It had been a different face sitting at the window seat of the table on the other side for days. A similar thick book, a similar big backpack, a similar white paper cup, but it wasn’t her. I lowered my gaze at the magazine again. I had been reading the same page for an hour. The repeating thoughts kept me from focusing on the words. Why am I sitting here? I couldn’t think of an answer. In the middle of people who were all indulging in something, I was just here idly flipping through the magazine. The rush to start doing something, anything, struck me. I just couldn’t stay like this.

I returned the magazine and went to stand among the bookshelves. Rows of bookshelves that were taller than my height, filled with books stacked in lins. Wind was blowing through the open windows, sending the dust and the smell of books into the air. It reminded me of high school, when I used to spend time at the hideout classroom with my friends. The books I read then had this smell too. I wonder if the me of the present has grown up any more from those days. I couldn’t say yes immediately. Who knows, maybe everything about me had stopped at those days. I walked to the bookshelf on the other side and picked up a book I used to study then. I needed to start again, one by one, everything starting from the things I had given up then.

Jungkook 26 July YEAR 22

I secretly picked some flowers from the hospital’s garden. I lowered my head from the laughter bubbling up my throat. The sun was beaming dazzlingly in a midsummer day. I knocked the door, no answer. I knocked again and pushed the door open. Somehow, the room felt chilly. No one was inside. Only silent darkness resided here.

I turned around and left the room. I rolled my wheelchair down the hallway feeling tired and frustrated, and that’s when I met her. I came to a sudden halt at something showing up and there stood a girl, hair tied into a ponytail. There was a bench somewhere outside the hospital. I remembered sitting on that bench and drawing while listening to music with her. We even shared strawberry milk on the roof. My hands were still clutching the wild flowers but I had no one to give it to anymore.

Jungkook 26 July YEAR 22

I turned around to find the hospital already far away. The bench where I left the wildflowers on, the window where we looked at the river together, were out of sight. Looking back, she had given me a break to breathe in my suffocating days at the hospital. We would sit on the bench chatting the late afternoon away and the sun would already have set before we even realized. I talked about hanging out at the hideout, the trip to the sea and even the time I walked to the train station. She told me about every inch of the hospital, about the window from which we could see the river and the stairs that was the secret path to the rooftop. There was nothing about the hospital that she didn’t know.

Her room was empty. I asked the nurses but couldn’t figure out anything, whether she was discharged or moved to another hospital I didn’t know.  Somehow, I felt empty. I turned around and started walking again. I could see the school from afar. Thinking of it, most of the stories I shared with her were what I experienced with the hyungs. Most of the stuff I said started with “the hyungs”. To me who was always alone, they became my friends, my family, my teachers. Every story of mine was in their story and I only existed in my relationship with them.

But at some point, this thought started to wander in my mind. Maybe one day they would no longer be by my side. Maybe one day I would come to look for them only to find no one there and no one would tell me why. Maybe something far worse could happen.

I thought of that night. The day the big moon was hanging in the night sky, the world flipping upside down, headlights piercing into the inverted vision, read light from the tail lamps and the strangely familiar sound of the engine. I didn’t want to make a pointless speculation but that moment. it kept coming into my head, over and over again.

Jimin 28 July YEAR 22

I stayed behind at the practice room again today. It was past midnight already, the buses had stopped running. The truth is I waited for the buses to stop running so I could have the practice room for myself. Practicing together made me see only my flaws and it was nerve-wrecking, scary, even. Yet, I still wanted to nail it no matter what, which was why I stayed behind by myself every night.

With each passing day, my fear dissipated, strangely enough, only the fact that dancing is so much fun remains. For a long time, I had lived thinking that the small, weak, sluggish image I shaped in my mind was the real me. Dancing got me thinking of constantly of my body weight, my arms length, the speed I could exert and the strength I could possess. When I danced, I was not small and weak. My dance skill improved as much as I had practiced. Even moved that I used to be scared of at first linked up in the end after numerous repetitions. I was growing. A little bit at a time but still, growing. I also found out that I was quite a talkative person, as when I danced it felt like all the things I couldn’t say and didn’t say just poured out. As I started dancing, for the first time ever, I had grown to like myself.

Yoongi 29 July YEAR 22

How is it that only after the person who would perform with you as you play the guitar had gone do that melody keep coming to your mind? I lay on the sofa, looking at the piano placed over there. One time, after getting expelled from school, I threw away the key from my mother’s piano. A half-burned piano key, the only thing I brought from our house that was destroyed in the fire, thrown out of the apartment window. I thought that was the end. I chanted to myself, determining to never touch the piano again.

It was the next dawn. I jumped down the stairs, unable to wait for the elevator. I thought I was only asleep for a moment, but the sun was already rising. What happened last night suddenly came rushing into my mind. There was nothing in the flower bed beneath the window. The guard told me the garbage truck left not long ago. Just like that, I lost the key from my mother’s piano.

Since that day, I had given up music countless of times. I don’t do it anymore. I won’t go back to it again. Music is nothing to me. But even in the moment of running away from it, I knew, that eventually, I would start making music again just like that time I tripped and jumped down the stairs. Music was like that to me. In music, I felt the pain but I also felt the freedom. I was addled but at the same time, clear. Fear and confidence, hope and despair, it seemed like I was living in all those conflicting emotions.

I suddenly wanted to play the piano. I wanted to meet myself there, a self that pretends to be strong but is actually timid and cowardly. I wanted to swear, to taunt, to hurt, hit, destroy, to hold myself and cry. And I wanted to stop running away. I wanted to complete the melodies I wrote with the guitar and piano. Perhaps I really could this time.

Seokjin 3 August YEAR 22

I opened the door to the storage classroom and entered. In the unchilly air of a summer night, the smell of mold and dust blended together. For a moment, several scenes crossed my mind. The shining shoes of the headmaster, the face Namjoon had standing outside the door, the day I avoided Hoseok and went back alone. Suddenly, I felt a pain inside my head and felt a chill. Those complex feelings, anger, fear, whatever you call it, flooded in like a pain. All the signals I felt with my body and my heart were clear. I had to get out of here.

Taehyung grabbed my arm as if he saw the look on my face. “Hyung, try a little bit more. Remember the memories here.” I shook off Taehyung’s hands and turned around. We had been walking around in the heat for hours. We were exhausted. The other guys looked at me like they didn’t know what to say. Memories, memories that Taehyung talked about were just meaningless stories to me. Stories about that thing I did, that thing that happened to me, that something that we did together. It could be the case. It was the case. But memories are not understanding or comprehension. Experience is not something you hear and figure out. It’s something that has to root deeply in your heart, your mind, your soul. But all the memories I had there were but bad things. Things that made me suffer and made me run away.

A fight happened when I decided to go back and Taehyung tried to stop me. But we were all exhausted. The way we hit, dodged and stopped happened with a sense of slowness and heaviness like we were in a dense, hot liquid. In a flash, Taehyung’s legs got tangled with mine. I was wondering if my shoulders hit against the wall when the next moment, I lost my balance and stumbled.

I didn’t know what happened at first. The thick dust made me unable to open my eyes and breathe. I had a fit of coughing. “Are you okay?” After hearing someone ask, I realized I fell on the ground. I pushed myself up and saw what I thought was the wall had collapsed. Beyond the wall was a huge space. No one moved for a moment. “Oh my god, but we had been here for so long!” Someone said. No one could imagine such space existed on the other side of the wall. But what is that? The dust settled and a cabinet standing in the middle of the empty space came into our sight.

Namjoon opened the cabinet’s door. I took a step closer. Inside was a notebook. Namjoon picked up the notebook and turned over the first page. For a moment, I held my breath. On the first page of the seemingly old notebook was an unexpected name. It was my father’s name. Namjoon was about to turn over another page when I snatched it out of his hands. Namjoon looked at me surprised but I didn’t mind. I flipped through the pages. The old notebook passed through my fingers like it was about to crumble.

It was a diary handwritten by my father about what he and his friends experienced together in high school. It didn’t tell the story of every day. Some were every month and there were even illegible pages coated with something akin to blood. But still, I could know. That my father and I went through the same thing, that he made mistakes just like me and that he ran and ran again to make up for it.

My father’s notebook was a record of failure. In the end, he gave up and failed. He forgot, turned away and avoided. He let his friends down. The diary’s last page was smeared with but black ink. The ink stained the blank page after it, after it, until the very last page. That stain was an eloquent evidence of my father’s failure.

I lost track of how much time passed by. Looking at the wind blowing through the window that had started to feel cooler, it musts be the darkest time of the day, before the sun rises. The other guys including Namjoon were sitting on the floor sleeping. I lifted my head up and looked at the wall. I once saw my father’s name written somewhere here. Under it was a sentence. Everything started here.

It was when I was about to close the notebook that I felt something at the top of my fingers. On top of the ink stains, blurry letters came into my sight. I felt the murky air outside the window. Seems like the sun would soon rise. But the night hadn’t ended yet. It was neither night nor dawn. In the stains black like darkness entwined with the hazy light, between lines and lines, were faint letters.

The notebook held more memories than it recorded. What my father decided to forget, what my father decided not to remember was left as it is on the letters, between the margins and the space. The color had faded but the many times my father went through, his fear, his despair and frail hope that he would never overcome it were swirling under my fingers like letter punches, left marks as they are once pressed. The distorted map to my father’s soul was left as it is.

After closing the notebook, my tears fell down. I sat still for a while. When I turned around, the guys were still sleeping. I looked at each of them. Who knows, maybe we had to come back here. This was where everything of us happened. We learned of the meaning of being together and the joy of laughing together. My first wrongdoing, my first mistake that I had never been able to admit myself was left like an open wound.

The thought that none of these was a coincidence crossed my mind. In the end, I had to come here. Only then would I be able to find the meaning of the pain and anxiety I faced because of the mistakes and wrongdoings I made and for the first time, take the first step towards finding the map of my soul.

Taehyung 11 August YEAR 22

I was about to turn my steps when I discovered small letters underneath the “X” letter, a short sentence scratched into the wall. “It’s not your fault.” It was her. I didn’t see it in person or knew her handwriting, but I could tell. It was like her last greeting, saying the reason she left wasn’t because of me, that what happened to me wasn’t because I’m a bad person. It was like she was telling me not to blame myself, not to be distressed about it and to have courage.

Next thing I knew, I was already in front of my house. There came my sister’s scream beyond the door. I slammed it open and came in to a familiar scene in front of my eyes. I blocked my father, grabbing his arm as I looked at him in the eyes. He seemed taken aback at first but soon he threw a punch at me. I was knocked out over and over again. My sister’s crying rang louder. My chin hurt and the inside of my mouth reeked of a rusty iron smell. I still didn’t give up. I clung tight onto my father as he shouted with rage and his blows rained on my back and shoulders, but the more he went the tighter I clung onto him.

It wasn’t like I didn’t feel the pain or didn’t feel scared. But the moment I let go, that daily life would repeat itself again. I wanted it to be different. I wanted to change it.

I don’t want to. I’m not like my father. I will protect my own family.

Hoseok 13 August YEAR 22

Jimin and she were standing in the middle of the practice room. The five seconds of silence it took getting into prep position and waiting felt like eternity. Music blasted from the speaker as they started with the first move. It was the choreography I had been practicing with her until recently. I sat on the floor, watching them.

When I was told I would not be able to dance for a while due to my ankle, it was tough, to be honest. Having to see someone else dance and not me was frustrating. But as I helped Jimin practicing and watched him grow, I realized that not getting to dance myself isn’t a big problem, that as long as I continue to dance in one way or another, I can be happy.

When I practiced with Jimin, I couldn’t let even a small mistake slide. Sometimes, when Jimin subtly misses the timing or dances smaller than expected, I would pause the music and check every move. But now, sitting on the practice room floor, some sort of audience seats, and focusing on him, Jimin’s dance looked different, something bigger than just single moves. What I thought to be nothing but mistakes when we practiced together felt different, trivial mistakes and rawness becoming his unique aura. Jimin had his own timing and expression, albeit clearly different from mine. Jimin was shining in his own way, his dances were speaking to the heart.

The music ended, so did Jimin’s dance. His face was glowing with joy and excitement. Next to him stood she. Soon, she would be leaving for overseas. Our eyes suddenly met. I raised a thumb at her, to which she gave a wide smile. She bore no resemblance to my mother. Strange. Why did I think they looked alike when I can’t even remember my mother’s face? I felt a pang of pain somewhere in my heart, a sore sensation from the yet to recover ankle.

Seokjin 15 August YEAR 22

It was after getting out of a jammed crossing and starting to speed up when I came to a sudden stop, unknowingly. The car behind beeped their horn and passed by, someone was hurling curses, but amid the noise of the city, I didn’t hear anything. There was a small flower shop at the corner of the alley on the left. I didn’t stop abruptly because I saw the shop. It was more like I discovered the shop after stopping my car.

When the owner - who was organizing papers at the side of the shop currently under interior construction - approached me, I had no expectation. I had already gone around several places but even the florists had no idea about the existence of the flower. They only showed me flowers with a similar color. But I wasn’t looking for something with a similar color. The flower had to be real. After I told the owner the flower’s name, he looked at me for a while. Then he said even though the shop hadn’t been officially opened yet, he could deliver the flower to me, and asked me. “Why does it have to be that flower?”

As I turned the handle and got back to the road, I started to think. The reason why it had to be that flower. There was only one reason. Because I want to make her happy. Because I want to make that her laugh. Because I want to show them the me that she likes. Because I want to become a good person.

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22

Can anyone remember the moment love starts? Can anyone foresee the moment love ends? What meaning lies behind the incapability of humanity to perceive those moments? And for what reason was I given the power to undo all of them?

The car came to a sudden stop, the headlight flashed, the car crashed, she was thrown upward , she fell. In the midst of all those chaotic moments, I just stood defenselessly. I heard no sound, felt no sense. It was summer but the wind felt chilly. Something rolled down along the road, making sound on its way. And then there was the smell of flower. It was when reality hit me. The Smeraldo bouquet fell out of my hand. The girl was in the middle of the road some distance away. Blood was seeping through her hair. Dark crimson blood, flowing down along the road. I thought. If only I could turn back time.

Seokjin 30 August YEAR 22

She seemed flustered seeing the diary that she thought to have been lost. Her favorite movie, places she wanted to go, her favorite flower, the future she has been dreaming of, all showed up with every turn of the page. They were also what I did for her. I couldn’t utter out an apology. The diary lay between us like a traffic light in the crossroad.

I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her smile. I wanted to be a good person. I thought it would be possible if I follow what the diary said, but no. The more I try to become someone else, the more afraid I get. Would she find out my true self? Would she be disappointed and leave me? I had been frantically concealing myself and turning away from myself, but like how you can’t put a period to a sentence without subject, I lost my true self, unable to move forward any further and just wandering around in circles.

Now, I know. That my imperfections, my mistakes, my failures are also a part of me. That the only way I can take the next step forward is to be honest to myself. I stood up. She didn’t stop me.

I made my way out to the street and took off my hat. I swept my hair back, times of endeavoring to become someone else trickling through my fingers. I turned around, meeting the eyes of my own reflection in the window. Pale face, colorless lips, scrawny shoulders. I looked utterly shabby. I let out a laugh. The me in the window laughed along.

#bts #bangtan #hyyh the notes #i thought it was 17k turns out it's 19.2k words lol #translation #trans:misc #sorry for the long wait and sorry again bc i said i'd post in 1 hour #but i kept editing and reuploading the files and so it took 3 hrs...

[felassan]

askmeme: ‘Another About Me’

I was tagged by @edencalder, thanku!. it’s tweaked a lil bit to my comfort level, hope u don’t mind :] cut for length

1. How tall are you? - bout 5 ft 6 in

2. What color is your hair? - brown

3. What color are your eyes? - blue-gray

4. Do you wear glasses? - yeap

5. Do you wear braces? - nope

6. What’s your fashion sense? - idk, thirteen year old boy?? disaster rat?? nonexistent?? perpetual uni student?? it’s N7 hoodie and skinny jeans, boxershorts and oversized parka, N7 baseball cap and doc martens, tartan pajamas and old tees. i guess

7. Where were you born? - Scotland

8. What kind of student were you? - a really terrible one tbqh.. skipping class, doing dissections hungover, starting massive projects I’d had like six months to do the day before or two days before they were due, the pub, not studying til the night before and pulling allnighters, the LGBTQ+ soc (that part wasn’t terrible tho!), coursework and exam answers filled with complete and utter bullshit, smoking weed in the arboretum during lab breaks

9. Did you like school? - hated school, loved college

10. Favorite subject? - like academically speaking? biology. science in general

11. Favorite TV Shows? - ooo, overall.. probably The Walking Dead, Attack on Titan. lately I’ve been following The 100, and I’m pretty into The Expanse (new season soon!!). recently finished the latest season of Oitnb and Queer Eye. also, love me some RuPaul. honorable mention: GoT

12. Favorite Movies? - idk that specific ones spring to mind atm.. I like fantasy and sci-fi movies, superhero flicks, action/adventure, dystopian future type shit, martial arts stuff, some anime films.. the next thing on my to-watch list is a Chinese sci-fi movie called The Wandering Earth

13. Favorite Books? - saying the DA and ME novels or "the book that I’m in" (l o l ) feels like a cop out so let’s go with that I’m currently reading Blood of Elves by Andrzej Sapkowski, and that Romance of the Three Kingdoms and Journey to the West will always be on my shelf

14. Favorite Past-time? - gaming!

15. Do you have any regrets? - a heap, most of which I don’t wanna talk about. honestly, a massive one I���m grappling with atm is not going vegan sooner.. I was vegetarian for 13 years before this, and all that time I thought I had removed myself from the equation and that my actions were aligned with my morals, but I realize now that they weren’t and that I was hypocritical, blind and still completely complicit in supporting and condoning the unnecessary violence, death, exploitation and associated environmental degradation that I hate.. I really, really wish I’d had that revelation/switch flipped sooner. I got a lot of guilt and self-hate over this, I really do

16. Dream Job? - I had it for many years, working with animals! it was really great, then I just felt like a change of scene. now idk, i just don’t think about that stuff like at all  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

17. Would you ever get married? - no

18. Would you like to have kids? - hell naw, my balls retract right back up in there

19. Do you like shopping? - it’s ok? it’s whatever really. I don’t seek it out, I hardly ever buy new stuff that isn’t video games

20. Scariest Nightmare You’ve Had? - uuuh.. there was that time I woke up thinking I’d been like framed or something for the murder? of Albus Dumbledore? until that like half-sleep fell away and I realized it was obviously just a dream because he isn’t real. recently I dreamt my bro had been kidnapped by some generic evil organization, that was pretty stressful. or that time I had a sex dream about Piers Morgan, now that was truly horrendous lmfao, i’m scarred for life

21. Any enemies? - the British state/Unionist establishment :^)

22. Do you believe in miracles? - nah

23. How are you? - oh yknow, just somewhere between insomnia and existential angst

#mj and the world #mj does a meme #edencalder

[fuckress]

I dare you to answer every single question in the "weird asks that say a lot" (tho you can decline the dare, or just answer one you really wanna answer)

me? declining a dare?? HELL NO! So buckle up, this is a long one!

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?–> coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?–> hmmmmm… chocolate bars.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?–> neither really… there aren’t many stores where I can buy cotton candy just like that. So I guess bubblegum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?–> quiet, reserved, smart. I think that’s about it.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?–> actually cans. But I’ll settle for bottles if I can’t get cans

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?–> hm… a mix between tomboy, sportswear and formal.

7. earbuds or headphones?–> both. earbuds while on my phone and headphones while on my computer.

8. movies or tv shows?–> tv shows. Keeps me occupied for longer and I don’t have to pay attention too much.

9. favorite smell in the summer?–> that fresh breeze when at sea or ocean. Or, the smell before a thunder storm.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?–> dodgeball, along with basketball and volleyball. which doesn’t mean I’m any good at either, those were just the ones I didn’t suck as much lol

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?–> usually, I skip breakfast and have lunch. But if I want something, it’s usually a sandwich with either avocado, fish or something else.

12. name of your favorite playlist?–> uhh.. don’t really have one.

13. lanyard or key ring?–> both ^^ key ring to keep all keys i need together and a lanyard to lock them to my pants or something.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?–> popcorn. I’m not entirely sure tbh, I’m simply eating popcorn now so that’s why it came to my mind lol

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?–> ooh, good question. hm… catcher in the rye is up there… life of pie too… killing mr griffin…. hm. most books from my english classes it seems. the german ones sucked.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?–> sitting on one leg with the other angled. it’s kinda hard to explain, I guess.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?–> gray sneakers

18. ideal weather?–> sunshine, not too warm (maybe around 25°C), with a little breeze.

19. sleeping position?–> any position and every position

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?–> either computer or mobile phone

21. obsession from childhood?–> hm. I guess drawing might be one. Other than that, I don’t think I have an obsession from back then. Maybe anime and cartoons in general, but nothing specific.

22. role model?–> don’t have one

23. strange habits?–> can’t think of anything right now..

24. favorite crystal?–> opal

25. first song you remember hearing?–> I don’t know the song titles of those, sadly. I do remember the ketchup song

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?–> either taking a walk or sleeping in the sunshine. Not really much interested in activities.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?–> sleeping..

28. five songs to describe you?–> Alone in the room by asking alexandria, haze by tessa violet, choke by i don’t know how but they found me (the vibe of the song, not much of the lyrics), bones by emily finchum, dreamin by the score

29. best way to bond with you?–> oh, there are many ways tbh. either ask me about my obsessions and if they are similar to yours, let’s talk about those for hours. or just show up and talk bullshit, I’m always up for bullshit. or let’s rant about stuff that we both hate. just. yeah. I’m really not that hard to please, if you don’t treat me like shit, we’re good.

30. places that you find sacred?–> nothing comes to mind tbh. that doesn’t mean i don’t think places shouldn’t be treated without respect.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?–> jeans, sneakers, black tanktop and a blazer. or hoodie. things I’d usually wear as well. best to kick ass and take names while wearing what you like most, right?

32. top five favorite vines?–> “two bros, chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart cause they’re not gay.”“Say Colorado!” “I’M A GIRAFFE”“THIS BITCH EMPTY! YEET!”“Shit, duck!” “Oh, cause of the duck is it?” *gets hit by a flying duck*“Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage. LETTUCE, LETTUCE, LETTUCE!”

33. most used phrase in your phone?–> yaaaaaaf, yaaaaaaaas, rip, mood, aaaaaaaaaaargh, wtf, eyyyyyyyyyyyyy, oooh, fuck, ehehehehehehe (usually after a dirty joke), yay~, yehi wasn’t able to just pick one

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?–> none. thank goodness

35. average time you fall asleep?–> maybe.. 30min?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?–> oooh boy, I don’t remember.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?–> suitcase. They’re easier to handle

38. lemonade or tea?–> tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?–> neither.. I don’t really like cakes or pies

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?–> there was a warning of a school shooting due to some internet posts. Nothing happened at our school, but people were scared. Other than that, constant firealarms due to bullshit reasons like cooking or dust. And being late for school due to flooding and casually walking in to class with zero fucks left to give.

41. last person you texted?–> a friend who sent me a cute pic.

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?–> BOTH AND BIG ENOUGH TO FIT MY PHONE IN PLEASE

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?–> Hoodie and leather jacket.

44. favorite scent for soap?–> something fresh like lemon grass or so. Or some herbs. Nothing too sweet and no nuts

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?–> I like a lot of superhero stuff, but fantasy is up there too.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?–> I’ll sleep in literally anything, depending on how tired and lazy I am to change.

47. favorite type of cheese?–> none

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?–> a pomegranate i think

49. what saying or quote do you live by?–> none really. More like a motto. Be the best you can be and enjoy yourself as much as possible.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?–> pfft. tons of things. i can’t possibly pinpoint one

51. current stresses?–> New job starting soon where I’m not really sure how well I’ll be able to handle it, sleep scedule is fucked, being on my own entirely with no friends nearby.. ah well.

52. favorite font?–> don’t have one

53. what is the current state of your hands?–> slight lingering pain, a bit cold, no injuries

54. what did you learn from your first job?–> my first ever job was as a waitress/barkeeper at age 14 or something. What I learned there… some people expect too much of you without helping you. And it’s ok to go away from a bad envirenment. Your own well being is most important.

55. favorite fairy tale?–> It’s either the tale of Icarus or the tale of Kunegunda. Those are actually the first ones I ever heard.

56. favorite tradition?–> hm.. don’t have one

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?–> School, College, emotional breakdowns

58. four talents you’re proud of having?–> drawing, being able to view at problems rationally and finding solutions, reading people I know, my bullshit kind of humor

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?–> Let’s get this fucking party started!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?–> slice of life. They’re the most wholesome with weird and funny friendship moments

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?–> The risk I took was calculated, but damn, am I bad at math.

62. seven characters you relate to?–> I’m too lazy to think of seven, so have one: Killua from Hunter x Hunter

63. five songs that would play in your club?–> see number 28.

64. favorite website from your childhood?–> YouTube. Well, not really childhood, but early teenage years.

65. any permanent scars?–> I have one on my forhead from an accident when I was a kid. Don’t know if other scars are permanent.

66. favorite flower(s)?–> forget-me-nots

67. good luck charms?–> a d20 dice

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?–> hm… I think I surpressed any bad memory like that. Can’t remember

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?–> brown eyes can be changed permanently blue due to some genes and pigments being linked together

70. left or right handed?–> I’m right handed

71. least favorite pattern?–> anything with huge contrasts and tons of messy lines. hurts my eyes and brain

72. worst subject?–> history. Never was good at remembering dates and years and that shit.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?–> I… don’t have any..

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?–> a 6, usually. Except if i need to do stuff or I’m trying to sleep. then a 4.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?–> I think, around the age of 9..

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?–> chips

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?–> a succulent always grew really well with me. Or cacti.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?–> Never had coffee at a gas station. I did have sushi from the grocery story, but they were never any good.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?–> driver’s licence photo

80. earth tones or jewel tones?–> jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?–> wait… wat

82. pc or console?–> PC. Never had a console

83. writing or drawing?–> drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio?–> podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket?–> I had both growing up. As a kid, barbie. later on, polly pocket.

85. fairy tales or mythology?–> why not both.

86. cookies or cupcakes?–> cookies

87. your greatest fear?–> complete darkness

88. your greatest wish?–> to manage well enough not to have to worry about anything

89. who would you put before everyone else?–> parents i guess

90. luckiest mistake?–> I bet there were so fucking many but I can’t remember right now

91. boxes or bags?–> depends. boxes for organizing stuff at home, bags for shopping and gathering things like bottles or clothes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?–> lamps and overhead lights

93. nicknames?–> Chan

94. favorite season?–> fall

95. favorite app on your phone?–> telegram, messaging my friends and all

96. desktop background?–> a picture I made a while ago I called galaxy marbles

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?–> around 4 or so

98. favorite historical era?–> don’t have one, the all sucked

there. I did it. holy shit that was a lot.

#ask #ask game #long post

[and-then-yoi-happened]

As I promised in my follower celebration post, I wanted to spread some love through a fic rec post! And now I finally came around to make it! ＼( ˵´ ♡｀˵)／

I’m sorry for not going into detail what I loved about them here or leave comments here, because I’m trying to keep the post’s length under control. All of these 17 fics (and 2 comics) deserve a commentary and a detailed recommendation post of their own and I hope I’ll find the time to do that for all of them one day.

Please share this post (and the love), so more people can see the recommendations. Also if you start reading some of these, please consider leaving the writers a Kudos and maybe even a comment. We writers love feeling recognised and cherished! It motivates us to write on ♡ The order in which I name the fics is random.

My Top Three Favourite Fics (all Multi-Chapters):

Listen, I love all three of them so much. I binge read them all when I found them. They all made me feel so many things and I might have cried now and then while reading any of them (for different reasons). Those are fics I would reread - I don’t even know how often. They are just so incredibly well done.

Empty Spaces Between Stars (WIP) by astudyinrose [ E | creator choose not to use archive warnings (mind the notes to the chapters!) | Victuuri | canon universe / AU canon divergence / fake relationship AU | 17/? | 185k ] Summary: Victor gets just as drunk as Yuuri at the Sochi Banquet, and they disappear together after the dance-offs. They wake up the morning after with rings on their fingers, and pictures of them kissing after getting married the night before are all over the tabloids... but neither of them remembers a thing. They decide to stay married for a while for the sake of Victor's sponsorships, and in exchange, Victor coaches Yuuri through nationals...

Dance of the Red Death by Strange and Intoxicating -rsa- [ M | no archive warnings (no MCD, despite the story dealing with AIDS, so read the FAQ and the tags first!) | Victuuri | canon universe / AU canon divergence | 11/11 | 80k ] Summary: Find something to live for.Viktor Nikiforov loved too much. What begins as a cough morphs into something that takes the shape of an unseen monster hiding in his very blood.  With the Russian government scrambling to sweep under the rug the worst of a crisis that's been thirty-five years in the making and a society that sees his disease as a death sentence, Viktor is left with figuring out his own way to survive.It starts as a way to escape— a youtube video of music and color and light, but quickly becomes something he never expected when Yuri Katsuki teaches him that surviving is not living. Yuri teaches him that living is taking the jump into unknown and accepting all that comes with it.This is not a story of anger. This is not a story of fear. This is not even a story of pain. This is a 21st Century love overcoming the obstacles of the 20th Century's politics of fear.This is a story of life. Complete + Epilogue + FAQ

Come Out of Hiding (I’m Right Here Beside You) by osaki_nana_707 [ M/E (not rated by the author) | creator choose not to use archive warnings (check the tags & notes!) | Victuuri | Music AU / Actors AU / Broadway AU | 33/33 | 84k ] Summary: After forgetting the words to his song during a vocal competition as a teenager, Yuuri Katsuki decided singing was not for him. Instead he went to NYU to study English. He never expected Viktor Nikiforov, Broadway star extraordinaire looking to direct his first production on the stage, would ever find his up-and-coming lead... in him.

Humour/Comedy (oneshots):

All of them brought me to tears, made me wheeze and lose my voice completely - that’s how much I had to laugh. If you have difficulties with second-hand embarrassment and it ruins the fun for you, then maybe skip “Bottom’s Up”.

Nikiforov’s Law by LavenderProse [ T | no warnings | Victuuri | CSI AU | 8.1k ] Summary: “I’m a garbage monster,” Yuuri tells Phichit, staring at Viktor through the glass walls of the lab. Viktor has not been in the same room with him since what the denizens of the lab are now calling The Belle Isle Incident. “He looks at me and he thinks dumpster decomp and swamp. I hate my life.” “You’re a very pretty garbage monster,” says Phichit, watching a centrifuge work. “A garbage monster he wants to fuck.” Yuuri Katsuki is a dime a dozen CSI with the Detroit Crime Lab who has never had a conversation with Detective Viktor Nikiforov that did not end in disaster. He's beginning to think that the entire universe is conspiring to make him a fool in front of handsome blond detectives. The universe is doing nothing to prove him wrong.

The Unknown Unknown by opalish [ T | no warnings | Victuuri | Superhero AU | 7.4k ] Summary: Yuuri never meant to become a supervillain.  These things just happen to him.

Night is Young and the Music’s High by opalish [ T | no warnings | Victuuri | post canon | 3k ] Summary: “Best press conference ever,” the Japanese Nationals silver medalist says when asked.  “Ten out of ten, would medal again.” “I would die for Katsuki-kun,” Minami declares, with terrifying sincerity.

The Katsulanont Guide To Life (series of oneshots) by xylophones [ G/T | no warnings | Yuuri & Phichit (friendship) | pre canon | 4.2k / 3k ] Summary: College life shenanigans brought to you by Yuuri and Phichit!

Bottom’s Up by lucycamui and cryingoverspilledvodka [ T | no warnings | Victuuri | Sochi GPF banquet | 3.3k ] Summary: At the Grand Prix banquet, Victor’s been asked to sign an autograph for a very enthusiastic fan. Unfortunately, there’s a distinct lack of paper around. Fortunately, Yuuri has a suggestion. Alternatively titled, “Ever Seen An Ass So Fine You Had To Sign It ‘Mine’? or "Autograph Me (Wherever You’d Like)”

Canon Universe (oneshots): 

Here’s some Fluff-therapy coming your way ღゝ◡╹ )ノ♡

Pink Leopard Print Pajamas by thishasbeencary [ G | no warnings | Victor & Yuri P. (friendship) | pre canon / developing friendship / cute tiny Yura and Victor fluff | 3.3k ] Summary: Yakov told Viktor that he had to socialize with more skaters. He didn't mean the ones who were too young to even compete as juniors. But he wasn't going to stop his top skater from inviting ten-year-old Yuri Plisetsky over to spend the night. He just... sort of thought that Yuri would refuse.

The Boy Who Watched by Rosie_Rues [ T | no warnings | Victuuri | pre canon | 12.5k ] Summary: Despite the fact they've been competing in the same competitions for years, Victor Nikiforov doesn't meet Katsuki Yuuri until the Sochi Grand Prix Final. On the other hand, there's a boy who's been watching him for years and Victor's desperate to know his name.In which Victor pines, everybody drinks too much, and Yakov deserves a sainthood for putting up with these idiots. Basically, it's a decade's worth of near misses, misunderstandings, and pure obliviousness.

Something So Wholesome About You by crossroadswrite [ G | no warnings | Victuuri | canon divergence AU / Vicchan lives | 3.5k ] Summary: It was supposed to be his year. He was supposed to-Celestino stops talking and squeezes his shoulder. Yuuri looks up at him, opens his mouth to say something when someone says his name. He freezes, holds his breath for a full second against the painfully familiar voice, not daring to hope. Then, very slowly, he turns towards the source, eyes going wide with disbelieve. “Mari?” (Or: in which Vicchan lives, Yuuri doesn't quite fail and doesn't quite get drunk, but manages to accidentally woo Victor Nikiforov anyway.)

The Way to a Man’s Heart-Shaped Smile by La_Temperanza [ T | no warnings | Victuuri | post canon | 6.1k ] Summary: In fact, it’s probably faster to list the foods that Viktor doesn’t like than all the ones he does. Except, Yuuri realizes one evening after he and Viktor are sharing a platter of gyoza and play-fighting for the last one--which Viktor wins, only because he cheated by tickling Yuuri’s ribs--he doesn’t know the answer to that, leaving a huge gaping hole in his Viktor Nikiforov database.This obviously needs to be rectified. (Or the one where Yuuri seduces Viktor with food without realizing it.)

Alternate Universe settings (oneshots):

A wild mix, but all are highly recommended!

Duetto Appassionato by astudyinrose [ E | creator chose not to use archive warnings | Victuuri | classical music AU / musician AU | 9.9k ] Summary: Yuuri Katsuki, 23, has been the Detroit Symphony Orchestra’s ace pianist for the past two years. Victor Nikiforov, violinist extraordinaire and living legend of the orchestral world, is the guest soloist for the DSO’s winter series. He asks Yuuri to play a duet he composed, titled On Love: Eros. Basically, this is shameless smutty musician au one shot (it was supposed to be a PWP, but I couldn’t resist adding in some plot) based on the Yuri!!! On Concert art that just came out. Enjoy!

Puppy Love by minsyah [ T | no warnings | Victuuri | neighbors AU / meet-cute | 15.7k ] Summary: Vicchan has a crush on their neighbor across the balcony, and so does his owner. Yuuri, certified Dog-Dad™, will do anything for his beloved poodle—even if that means constantly embarrassing himself in front of his devastatingly attractive neighbor.

Send Your Cutest Delivery Boy by domokunrainbowkinz [ G | no warnings | Victuuri | college AU / meet-cute | 2.5k ] Summary: Victor orders pizza and puts "send your cutest delivery boy" in the special instructions box, and Domino's does, indeed, send their cutest delivery boy. Based off this.

If This City Will Bloom by RennieOnIceCream (Hitsugi_Zirkus) [ G | creator chose not to use archive warnings | Victuuri | magical realism / Flower Spirit!Yuuri | 9k ] Summary: “Viktor, do you know what cherry blossoms mean?” “What they mean?” Viktor tilts his head, surprised at the sudden question. “They can mean beauty. Or a good education. Cherry blossoms generally bloom around the time the new school year starts.” Yuuri’s eyes are unwavering on Viktor, and the colors shift in the dark irises again. “But they also mean impermanence.” Impermanence -- transient. Not lasting forever.The word sends a ripple of fear through Viktor. (Or, the story where Viktor accidentally brings home a cherry blossom spirit from Japan, and his life and heart are turned upside-down.)

A Midwinter Night’s Dream (part one of a series, I’m still praying it gets continued) by persephoneggsy [ G | no warnings | Victuuri | fairy AU / fantasy AU | 7.1k ] Summary: Victor Nikiforov, Prince of the Fae Realm, meets a young blue fairy and thinks nothing of it. But then the years pass, and he meets him again.

Comics:

Because why not?!

My Reasons (WIP) by adreamorasong-art [ T (maybe E in the future) | no warnings | Victuuri | canon compliant / canon retelling ] This is an amazing comic series by my friend Mari. She draws in realistic style and completely retells season 1 (with added, missing scenes).

Bright Star by butleronice [ G | MCD (but apparently not what one would think) | Victuuri | galactic AU ] There is an accompanying fic. (I haven’t read that one yet.) Summary: Yuuri is a star, sparkling brilliantly in some far reaches of the galaxy. One day, his lonely life is changed, when a dazzling and brilliant comet enters his orbit.

Unfortunately I barely had time to read anything lately and my to-read list is... scaringly long by now. I’m thinking of making a similar post to this one, but with fics that I can’t wait to read! Anyway, you can find even more fics in my ao3 bookmarks, which I use to recommend fics. If you want to, you’re more than welcome to read my stuff as well. (ღ ´◡`)ノ♡

#yuri on ice #yoi fanfics #victuuri #my fanfic recommendations #long post #SHARE ALL THE LOVE #1k followers celebration #thank you all so much! <3

[jakexbrooks]

hELLO THERE BBYS, I’M CARMEN AND I’M SO EXCITED TO JOIN Y’ALL ✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ:* \(◕‿◕✿)/ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧, I’ll tell u a bit about myself before I tell u a bit about my bby Jake (SORRY IF IT’S LONG AND IF U GET BORED U CAN SKIP TO THE SECOND PART WHERE I TALK ABOUT MY CHARACTER OMFG):

I’m 23 and i’m a sagittarius born in december (11th) 

I’m the biggest taylor swift trash u’ll ever meet, she’s been my queen for 11 years now and I’m still not over the fact (and probably never will) that the Rep Tour date I went to ended up being a Netflix movie omfg

I also freaking love halsey ever since her long blue haired days (room 93 era halsey is my life omfg), I met her last year and that was the most amazing experience of my life, she’s a real life angel (also she’s hosting SNL in a few minutes so i’m PEEING -or probably IS hosting by the time I finish typing this post aka I’m probably crying)

Since Tom Holland is my FC this one won’t come as a surprise but I LOVE MARVEL WITH MY WHOLE HEART, Spider-Man has been my favorite superhero since I was a little kid and Peter Parker is literally the love of my life don’t @ me

Fun fact: I was Spiderman (Tom’s Homemade Suit version) 2 Halloweens ago, and last Halloween I went as Gamora !!

I just rlly love music, man, I spend all my money on concerts and festivals woops and I also like to write songs/sing and I play guitar and a bit of piano (ur musical kid)

My favorite bands include: Arctic Monkeys, My Chemical Romance, Paramore, The Strokes & The Smiths

I actually haven’t rped in a long time woops I think the last time I properly did so was probably around 3 years ago (and I started doing so in 2012), college life kept me busy but I graduated last december and missed it so much so here I am again!!! Ok I think that pretty much sums it all up 

OK, NOW THE IMPORTANT PART.  ABOUT JAKE:

He is Connor’s (Grant Gustin FC) biological brother, I applied as a WC so I think it’s important I copy and paste exactly the reason why he came here to Crownsville: “Connor has no idea that he has a brother, being the first born and adopted into a another family. Jake knows about Connor when he found out that his mother has been sending letters to Connor. Wanting to get to know his family, he comes to town to meet him. However, at the last minute he decides to not tell him who he really is. now it’s awkward for him, having to pretend that he’s only a friend getting to know Connor. will he ever tell him the truth? Or would Connor find out the hard way?" (I’m so hyped about this omfg)

Having said that... Jake grew up as an only child in a loving family, when he found out he had an older brother it was obviously pretty shocking to him so he ended up having an existencial crisis where he started wondering if his whole life has been a lie (that sounded so dramatic omg)

Shocked and broken, he couldn’t face his mom about it because he was so hurt she kept it a secret from him and had to find out all by himself, he decided to take some time off university to come to Crownsville to meet his brother 

He is the new kid in town, he arrived on Tuesday night 

He is preparing to become a Vet since it has been his dream ever since he was little, he just love pets so much (especially dogs) and he’s had all kinds of cute pets throughout his life. For this very same reason he found a job as a Vet Assistant here in Crownsville (so cute omfg)

He’s always been a brilliant student, ever since he was little he was always the kid with the highest grades, he’s a big nerd so that made him earn a scholarship to study Vet 

Personality wise: he really enjoys spending time alone and he’s usually pretty quiet and reserved, he’s pretty shy but he’s also really sweet and always willing to help, he’s also super protective over the ones he loves

He really enjoys having nights in, he’s the type of guy who’d rather spent a weekend night wearing pajamas and ordering chinese food while staying in bed watching Netflix with his dog 

He’s always been a pretty lonely kid, he’s never been popular or had many friends but he’s always found comfort in his pets (he’s so soft i’m crying also probably a virgin LMAO sorry ignore this)

He really loves art and going to art galleries/museums, even though he’s not good at painting or anything art related himself but he’s really soft and appreciates art so much

He loves rainy days and wearing comfy sweaters (idk why but I had to add this)

He HATES being called Jacob lmao

He’s also a big indie fan, his favorite band is arctic monkeys and he also really loves vampire weekend, phoenix and the smiths

Sorry this was so long, I think I covered all the important parts, I’m working on a bio for him tho 

SO IF U WANNA PLOT PLEASE HMU!!!! I LOVE PLOTTING AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR HAVING THIS LITTLE BEAN TO START COEXISTING WITH YOUR CHARACTERS!!! (◡‿◡✿)

ps: sorry this took so long i’m crying over halsey hosting SNL ok i’ll post a starter in a bit ily all 

#introduction time !! omfg #{carmen speaks} #pls plot with me ily #ooc

[ohimaginethat]

A mysterious superhero comes to the rescue after a crazy fan takes Mark and his crew hostage in one of Mark’s shows. Mark x superhero reader

Ooohhh, I love this! Thanks so much for requesting, and I hope I can do it justice! Also, sorry it’s just Mark, but I wasn’t quite sure how I could pull the others into it, especially considering Mark and Amy are together and such, you know? And I’m sorry it’s so short. And that I wasn’t able to portray Mark very well. And—You know what, I’m sorry this exists as a whole and I apologize dearly if this wasn’t what you had in mind. Lemme know if you want a short lil thing about their date; I can prooobably manage to pump that out fairly quickly, if you guys really want it.

                                       A Sarcastic Super

Could this day get any worse?! First your alarm didn’t go off, so you were late for work. Then were nearly found out by one of your coworkers when they saw you crash-land into a pile of garbage (luckily they were flying just about as high as you were—figuratively for them, not so much for you), and now you’re here, trying to climb through a series of air ducts in the second skin of a super-suit your “best friend” Collin-the-Costume-Man just insisted you wear to save the one and only Markiplier.

You couldn’t believe this was happening. Only moments away from meeting your hero (HA. puns) and, of course, he was taken hostage by some jerks who wanted their fifteen minutes of fame. And, said jerks weren’t as stupid you hoped they’d be. Why now, of all times, did you have to put up with decent criminals? Couldn’t they just be clueless and unprepared like all the others? They had reinforcement at every exit and room in the arena to ensure that no one would be leaving until they got what they wanted; $50,000. Like you’re going to let that happen… Not. A. Chance.

After minutes of crawling through the uncomfortably small space you were in, you, at long last, reach the vent above the room where he was being held captive. Looking down you see Mark tied to a chair, a blindfold over his eyes and a gag in his mouth, two guards flanking the door, and one standing by the captive YouTuber. You consider different strategies, knowing that this would be an easier victory than most, but that didn’t mean you should be careless.

Once you have everything planned out in your head, you take action. With you being in an air duct, there was no way for you to go in quietly, so you start with a bang. Literally. You slam your hand down on the vent, causing it to clatter to ground loudly. Then, you throw yourself down the same path as your metal distraction headfirst, making sure you land directly on top of one of the captors; more specifically, the one guarding Mark.

Of course, when planning possible rescue missions made by police, they weren’t planning a 5′4 23-year-old (just go with it… I don’t know what I’m writing; it’s two in the morning, okay? give me a break) to fly down from the ceiling, so all of their weapons were in the far corner of the room. Ha. Schmucks.

With the one taken out so quickly you were able to stop the other to before they could attack. Two short kicks to the groin can really do a man in; especially when it’s coming from a young woman with super strength. Knowing you didn’t have much longer before they recovered, you untie Mark’s hands and legs. 

While you’re doing so, you say to him, “Mark, I’m here to help you, but for right now, the rest can wait; we need to get out of here. And if you don’t want to lose any important extremities, I’d suggest holding on.” He nods quickly and wraps his arm around your torso. As soon as you knew he was secure, you fly out of the conveniently open window and to an empty street, afraid if you got any closer you would have to repeat the whole saving-any-big-shot-who-is-taken-captive process again—strangely enough, it happens more often than you would think. Most just don’t know about it because it’s kept under wraps to minimize panic. 

Finally, now that you know you’re both safe, you help him untie his blindfold and remove the piece of cloth that was shoved in his mouth. He blinks a few times, allowing his eyes to adjust to the sun glaring above you. Then, he looks at you, awe apparent in his face.

“I, uh… I don’t know how to thank you for what, uh… What you just did back there, but thank you…” Mark stumbles on his words—as most do when they were just saved from a near-death situation—and trails off on his words slowly, trying to ask for your name without actually asking.

“Y/N,” you fill in for him.

“Y/N-Girl? Woman? Sorry, I don’t quite know the structure of real superhero names.” 

“Not quite, though I wish I did have a cool superhero name, it’s just Y/N,” you sigh.

“Well, Y/N, is there anything I can do to thank you? I truly owe you my life.”

“I mean, you could take me out to dinner? Most of my dates have to wait until the fifth date for me to untie them, so I’d say we’ve already skipped ahead a bit,” you answer, jokingly. (Did I just slip an innuendo in here? Yes. Do I hate myself for doing it? Yeah. Am I going to take it back? No.) 

He looks mortified for a split, but then, for the first time in hours, you see him dissolve into a fit of giggles. “Sounds only fair.”

“Awesome. Eight sound good?”

“Of course.”

“Should I pick you up or you me?”

“Unless you have a car, I think I’ve had enough flying for one day, so I’ll get you. Where are you staying”

“A—” Before you could even get out a single syllable, your answer is cut off by the approaching sirens of police cars and an ambulance. You raise your voice a bit so he can hear you better, “At that hotel over there. I’ll meet you in the lobby.” You point to a hotel across the street. Then, before law enforcement can spot you, you shoot up, leaving Mark behind until your date later, knowing he would be in good hands.

#markiplier imagines #markiplier x superhero #markiplier x reader #markiplier fan fiction #superhero

[izzayloveshsshw]

Tag Game

Thank you @overthinkingnotthinking for tagging me! Sorry it took a while, wasn’t home for a few days to reply!

Rules: Tag 10 followers you want to get to know better. They will be listed below! 😊

Meaning behind your blog name: I named it after Pixelberry’s other two games. High School Story and Hollywood U, and then added Izzay in front because I enjoy playing them. I’m sad that that they both ended though and too lazy to come up with a new name, because it’s still a side blog, my main one is what other people see anyway.

Star Sign: I’m Nemo! ( Aka a fish aka Pisces!! 😊😊)

Height: 5’1

Put your iTunes on shuffle what are the first four songs that pop up?:

I deleted iTunes off my phone because I never needed to use it. So I don’t have ITunes on my phone because I still used my iPod that I got since 2007 but haven’t updated since 2013. So this will be interesting xD

1: Troublemaker- Olly Murs

2: Skyscraper- Demi Lovato

3: Favorite Girl- Justin Bieber

4: Born this way- Lady Gaga

Grab the nearest book to you and turn to page 23, what’s line 17?

“Ms. Pallas shoots me a warning look and I do something...” -Furious by Jill Wolfson p.s I haven’t read this book so I don’t know what it’s about.

Have you ever had a poem or song written about you? Nope

When was the last time you played air guitar? Can’t remember but it’s been a while

Who is your celebrity crush? I don’t think I have one. I can’t come with anyone at the moment 😕

A sound you hate: Probably people screaming in pain? Which is probably why I can’t watch horror movies

A sound you love: any song on the piano

Do you believe in ghost? I don’t know. I’m in between.

Do you believe in aliens? I don’t know. I’m in between

Do you drive? Yes!

If so, have you crashed? Nope.

What was the last book you read? The Boy that was Raised as a Dog by Bruce D. Perry.

Short summary, basically each chapter is a stand alone. It’s about a doctor and how he goes out of his way to reaches out to different children to get the children to trust him so he can help them in their tough situation. I would recommend this book!

Do you like the smell of gasoline? Yes.

What was the last movie you saw? The Incredibles 2

What’s the worse injury you got? Probably in grade 5 when I was running and skipping with a rope and I fell and got a huge cut on my right knee. I still have the scar. :/

Do you have any obsessions right now? Besides Choices, probably Pixelberry’s other games High School Story ( I currently want to unlock all the land but I’m slowly realizing it’s taking impossible so that might not happen). I’m currently into superhero shows and my cousin is getting me into marvel such as trying to get me to watch all 18 movies. Let’s just say from what I watch they are good but I won’t be a super fan like my cousin. Meter Garden- my friend and I saw it on Netflix and we’re enjoying it I really like but it reminds me of Boys over Flowers.. The last thing is probably bullet journaling. When I found out it was basically you deciding how you want layouts I was like OMG, now I won’t feel bad doodling on my notebooks because I can create it and it can be super colourful too! 😊

Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Nope. Not that I can think of anyway. I’m pretty easy going so it takes a lot to get me angry at you.

In a relationship? Nope.

Yay! Finally finished! It’s actually super hard I write this on my phone and figuring out how to bold words xD !

I tag @countrymusicandncis-blog @briardalys @drakewanker @mythup @deztinywarriors @deejaycandy @agbcordonia @tealtimes @youruinedmylifebynotbeingreal @eclecticpizzakryptonite If you’re currently reading this and want to do it, then I TAG YOU! HAVE FUN 😊

#tag game #personal #get to know me

[passiveagressiveukulele]

FILM NARRATIVE 2

TEENS ON SCREENS

Coming of age story is my favourite kind of story. From 10 things I hate about you, Clueless and Breakfast club to Sing street and Ladybird I’ve seen it all (to say multiple times would be an understatement). Paradoxically, I’m not a big fan of the hero’s journey plot arc. It’s a very western, predictable, underdog-esque storytelling I find unfulfilling in most cases. But this formula doesn’t fall short for teen films. In fact, it does quite the opposite for me - it fulfils. 

Teenage years are all about alienation, not fitting in, getting out of your comfort zone and finding your own way in the world. Basically, what I’m saying is - teenagers are superheroes. Grumpy, hysterical, annoying and frequently mean, but hey, flawed is the predisposition for human. And I find that films concerning these young humans carry a few interesting lessons that seem to get overlooked in other genres.

Babyteeth (and the other way is wrong)

Within coming of age stories there’s a particular subgenre of teen films - teen cancer films. The fault in our stars’ black and white clouds on a baby blue background are practically their trademark, but let’s not forget the lesser known classics such as A walk to remember, Midnight sun and very topical in 2020/21- 5 feet apart. The premise is simple - a dying girl only has only so much time left on this Earth so in 120 minutes of the film’s runtime a handsome (often angsty but free spirited) young dude knocks on her door, breaks ups her daily, medication induced routine, turns things upside down (to quote John Green: “gives her a forever within the number of days and she is eternally grateful for it”), but then after she’s gone he’s the one who realises that things will never be the same (along the way he also makes best friends with her dad who initially hated the dude). 

There’s nothing particularly problematic about this storytelling formula itself, but rather the way cancer gets treated along the way. Writers gets so tangled up in the “romantic” idea of a pretty girl destined to die (something Jesse Andrews caught on in the early years of this trend and tactfully used it in the title of his Me and Earl and the dying girl). Even worse, in some cases this pretty girl’s soul purpose of the remaining days is to show her newly acquired dude “the way”. Alyssa Rosenberg’s definition of this trope stands - “Hollywood is determined to deliver a heavy dose of pain relief in the name of prettiness.”

This is why I found it particularly enjoyable to watch Netflix’s latest release Babyteeth. It’s a story about 16 year old Milla. Milla falls in love with a 23 year old Moses. Milla’s parents disapprove. Milla also has cancer. Notice how cancer comes last, how cancer is tied to also, how cancer does not define Milla. 

This is a story about Milla’s first love. Milla meets him on a train station, where he makes an entrance to her life high on adrenaline, foolishness and immaturity (and some other substances, as we later find out). It’s all it takes for her, she can fill in the rest. It’s her call to adventure. 

It’s clear she’s intoxicated by him, it is unclear how he feels about her. Her fascination has no explanation. And it needs none. He’s her first (potentially unrequited) love. In his talk about first love, Stephen Fry said that it demands to be unrequited because “it’s such an act of giving and it requires so much back that it can never be given back. It’s an atom bomb... like matter meeting anti-matter. It’s almost important that all you do is worship, yearn and long.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SciBpkvtGe0

What writers of these teen cancer stories fail to understand time and time again is that cancer is not what makes cancer girl’s love tragic. When heart skips a beat and when it aches, when hands sweat and they touch, when eyes meet and tear up it’s romantically tragic enough. Love will inevitably run its course and the characters know it in their bones, but what matters is that they give it a shot. They worship, they yearn, and ultimately - they long. And all of this is accompanied by an impeccable soundtrack (but more about that in the following case study).

We are who we are (or how to swap Sufjan Stevens and the Psychedelic Furs for Blood Orange and Chance the Rapper)

Speaking of subgenres in teen films, Luca Guadagnino is on a good way to create his own - a coming of age story of a sexually troubled young man in Italy. Apart from the before mentioned protagonist, other tropes of this genre include - swift unmotivated pans, hyperactive piano scores and excessive amount of adolescent boredom. (And truly, the latter is the show’s biggest throwback - the slow pacing of 8 one hour episodes very soon starts to resemble a Bela Tarr project). 

Whereas in his previous feature, Call me by your name, Guadagnino characterised his protagonist and surroundings with a playlist which mainly included Sufjan Stevens’ hits such as Futile devices, Mystery of love and Visions of Gideon, here he adopts a much more versatile approach. Sometimes directly in the shot, sometimes outside it and sometimes barely in it and muffled by the earphones Fraser never seems to take out, the music of David Bowie, The Smiths, Little Simz, Backstreet Boys, Kanye West, Frank Ocean and most importantly, Blood Orange is at the very heart of teenage landscape.

This is something almost every teen movie/series seems to get right - the role of music. Sometimes retro, sometimes indie, sometimes unbearably underground, but everpresent. The only other genre that employs this much melody are musicals and I’m sure we can all agree they’re a separate category. Just think about the role Clueless had in launching Radiohead’s career straight into the jaws of the mainstream or Bowie’s German rendition of songs used in Wir kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo. Lately I noticed a frequent use of singles by The The and Sharon Van Etten in all things considering characters aged 15-19.

What both Babyteeth and We are who we are do alongside comprising a colourful playlist is employ instrumental pieces that built up a library of leit motifs. In Babyteeth string quartets establish Milla’s relationship with her mother and in We are who we are piano transitions serve as a constant reminder of Fraser’s kindred spirit.

I suppose the inexperienced ears must come in pair with the inexperienced heart. When you’re young everything you hear is new, different and intoxicating. The overload of emotions can only be covered by a wide range of sounds. In turn, this only makes the cinematic landscape all the more exciting. I think many filmmakers would benefit from building up an archive of characterful tunes instead of leaving it all up to teen movies, Quentin Tarantino and Jim Jarmusch. 

[freevoidman]

All of the questions form the ask except for 16 and 17 because I read the tags 😏😊

yoU FUCK--

Also I guess it’s 15 and 16 bc those are the ones that ask for pics? So ur getting everything but those two instead lmao I can’t read.

1. Song of the year?

Thunderstruck by 2CELLOS (skip ahead to 0:38 for the start of the music, 1:10 for the actual cover). It’s a great cover for a famous song and i’m a sucker for cello-only covers. Plus, it’s a great song to listen to when you want to get some of ur aggression out.

2. Album of the year?

The Persona 5 Original Soundtrack! There’s so much amazing songs from the game, all of them jazzy and catchy and oh my god I love the entire thing. The stuff featuring Lyn’s vocals is especially great!

3. Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year?

Hm... there’s not a lot that come to mind, but I guess BTS? I’m not super into their music, and I don’t check out their livestreams and shit where they talk with fans, but their music is pretty sweet!

4. Movie of the year?

UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGH it has to be a tie between IT and Wonder Woman. IT was great on a sheer talent level and, after watching the 90s film, it was a massive improvement and gave the book the justice it deserved. However, Wonder Woman I appreciate because of the hopeful change it might bring to the movie industry and superhero movies, and perhaps lead to less over-sexualization of women in movies.

5. TV show of the year?

Nothing really comes to mind (especially because I don’t really watch TV a lot) but it’d have to be Brooklyn 99. Comedic gold at its finest, and the level of representation is NUTS! I love it!

6. Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you?

...y’all’re gonna laugh but it’s fucking Shibboleth from West Wing. We watched the episode in one of my classes and it brought up so much political topical stuff that’s happening in my country, as well as the sheer ridiculousness of what the fuck is happening in the US (as well as unintentional attachments that can form bc I made a stupid level of those with just fictional characters lmao)

7. Favorite actor of the year?

Finn Wolfhard. Not only for his level of talent in Stranger Things and IT, but also just his level of comedic genius outside of films and shows. He’s great, and I can’t wait to see where his talents will lead him next.

8. Game of the year?

WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME LIKE THIS.

I’d have to give it to Persona 5, though Breath of the Wild and Final Fantasy XV are close. The reason why P5 wins is because I’ve been waiting for this games since 2013 and it delivered on everything I wanted. Meanwhile, BOTW and FFXV were only purchased after they came out and I saw all the reviews, or (in the case of FFXV) was and impulse buy that I didn’t have much faith in. They’re both great games, don’t get me wrong, but my god, Persona 5 delivered of fucking everything I wanted and a bit more.

9. Best month for you this year?

December (and no, I’m not just saying that because that’s the month we’re in). I’ve been accepted into the colleges I really wanted to be accepted into, and Christmas wasn’t that bad. Though I am sick with something right now, it’s definitely not a bad month, and easily the best one I’ve had with all the stress/disappointments of the months prior.

10. Something that made you cry this year?

...getting a bit personal, it was seeing my cousin during Easter. She’s been struggling with drugs and she had a relapse and was completely out of it. She’s got a kid. I was mad as hell and ready to punch her, but I just kind of broke down outside the house once no one could see me.

11. Something you want to do again next year?

...uuuuuhhh I didn’t really do it this year bc of the amount of shit I had to do, but I really, really want to do NaNoWriMo again. It was fun, and I nearly succeeded last year. I was about two thousand words short because I got sick and I want to get the 50k word count for something!

12. Talk about a new friend you made this year

YES HELLO I’M ABOUT TO PRAISE THE HELL OUT OF @yoitssabrinee SO PREPARE YOURSELVES.

Honestly such a sweetheart???? She’s a-fucking-mazing and so strong despite all the bullshit she’s gone through and she’s so freaking nice and caring! Like, I’ve been complaining to her about how I’ve been sick and she’s always like “did you take your meds? Did you drink water? Did you eat?” And it’s so nice and even if our convos are mostly screaming at each other about FFXV fanfics we’re writing it’s SUCH A JOY to see her messages whenever I wake up/am about to go to sleep.

13. How was your birthday this year?

Good! The only negative part was that it was during a school day (typically it falls on Thanksgiving break, but not this year) and I got a lotta good gifts! I certainly can’t complain about it, that’s for sure.

14. Favorite book you read this year?

Catcher in the Rye. It’s very rare that I find a school book that I enjoy, and this hits all my favorite things. It’s a super introspective look on Holden’s life (which is pretty messed up tbh) and his struggles to reconcile with his flaws and the need to be somewhat ‘normal’.

15. What’s a bad habit you picked up this year?

Sort of a bad habit that I’ve continued and haven’t stopped--picking at my skin. Especially scabs and any chapped skin on my lips. I have so many cuts and scars from doing this, and I really need to stop... 

18. A memorable meal this year?

I went with my family to some fancy-ass Japanese restaurant with my friend irl before we went to see Hamilton. The food there was tasty as hell, and the experience itself made it incredibly memorable.

19. What’re you excited about for next year?

There’s a couple! Getting my driving license, graduating high school, and going to college would definitely be at the top of that list! For more material things, I’m looking forward to Hacker’s Memory, the new Persona rhythm games (I’m being very hopeful that they’ll be released in English around the same time of their Japanese versions) and Final Fantasy Dissidia!

20. What’s something you learned this year?

How to drive!

21. What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year?

My old swingset broke. I still use it as a way to destress (the repetitive motion of swinging, combined with listening to music really clams me down) and there’s no way we can really repair it until it gets warmer... which could be as early as February, or as late as April, considering the weather patterns. Basically, it has to be above freezing to do anything.

22. Favorite place you visited this year?

Boston for college tours! It was a great city, though I could’ve dealt with less stress from trying to figure out where the fuck to go...

23. If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

It’s hard right now. God do I know how hard it is right now. It’s gonna get harder. You’re going to hate everyone for a while, because no one really helped you the way you needed help, but you’ll make it. I promise you’ll make it.

24. Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions?

Technically yes, because I didn’t make any. Can’t break any resolutions if you never make ‘em.

25. Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one

Uuuuugh I have a lot that I just make in my head, but because I have the artistic skills of a drunk goldfish I can’t typically draw them, and I’m too nervous to write about them (^^;). Other people can keep asking this one, and I’ll describe a different OC that I have, but only in my head, y’know?

I DID get FFXV Comrades and made an OC! His name is Tonitus, Tony for short. He’s 5′3″ and hails from... Altissia, if I remember correctly. He has about mid-length black hair and bright, that almost Mako-colored blue eyes. 

In my weird-ass lore about the guy, he’s a messenger who got amnesia from falling to the surface. He’s loyal to Ramuh and can harness lightning magic easily, and struggles with fire and ice magic. He got the Kingsglaive uniform from Ramuh himself, who sent him down to Eos to assist the humans with the encroaching darkness and rampant daemons and infected wildlife. As he regains his memory, he’s torn with assisting them like a human would or like a pseudo-god, and his own mortality and how he’ll deal with everyone passing long before him, long before the light can be restored, long before the King can ascend.

#Ask meme #End of the Year #Anonymous