#I like the concept of spending my life with someone and having better financial security

[firstfandomfangirl]

they should invent a husband that doesn't involve sex or kids

#rambling #I like the concept of having partner. I also wanna have someone to give me cuddles #I like the concept of spending my life with someone and having better financial security #I do NOT want kids #and. I'm pretty sure married relations are like. Required by the Bible #so. oof

[heyftinally]

It’s very hilarious because age wise Taylor Swift’s literally in the same age range as Adele, Beyoncé, SZA, Hozier… and Taylor’s discography is so juvenile. It’s like she’s so out of touch with reality that the only problems she can master in songwriting are romantic relationships. Her music as a teenager had more weight than the music she makes as a grown woman. And this isn’t even by the fact that she doesn’t have kids - SZA is right there!

Her latest albums sounds like it was made by a 19 years old. Which would be Olivia Rodrigo, Tate McRae, etc, like this woman is 34 years old and it’s talking about wanting to be touched by the hands of a gamer… be for real. And the “I’m having his kids, not I didn’t” is so corny that it produced me second hand embarrassment. And might you this song is about a racist she dated for like 2 months… And one of her songs being an exact concept of get him back by Olivia Rodrigo, who was 19 when she made that… I need her fans to be for real. this album is garbage.

Honestly, it's not even just this album. Like, you're 100% right, but let's go back even further.

"Look what you made me do" - it literally sounds like a child blaming someone else for their own mistakes. "You made me late to practice!!" says the child who refused to do their mandatory chores earlier, or didn't remember to give their parent the note about an extra practice. Because emotionally intelligent and mature adults recognize that it's a very rare situation that someone truly MAKES you do anything. And I find it VERY hard to believe that anyone truly MADE - as in FORCED - Taylor Swift to do anything.

"Bad Blood" - is quite literally about Taylor Swift throwing a tantrum because Katy Perry hired her dancers. Let me give you an insider look at how commercial dance works as a career. Let's call our fake dancer Katie. Katie auditions for Taylor Swift's tour and gets selected - she now has employment secured for the next 12 months. Anywhere between 3 and 6 months before the end of that contract, Katie will begin looking for her next audition/contract. Why? Because dancers are freelancers, so if you aren't working, you aren't getting paid. So if Taylor Swift wants Katie to be in her next project, she needs to have that contract ready to present as soon as she makes that decision, and the longer she waits, the less chance there is that Katie will not yet have signed a new contract. If Katy Perry reaches out to Katie's agent at the 6mo mark with an offer, and Taylor Swift hasn't offered anything after her tour, Katie is faced with this dilemma: take the Katy Perry offer - a guaranteed job - or decline and HOPE that something else comes along quickly. Dancers can't afford to gamble their livelihood like that, so Katie takes the Katy Perry job. If Taylor comes to Katie three months later wanting to offer a new contract, she's out of luck. Not because Katie was "stolen", but because she made an intelligent financial decision for her life and career.

"Better Than Revenge" - I don't care that she changed the mattress line, she was still a grown ass adult when she wrote it, and frankly the fact that she spends the entire song referring to the hypothetical guy as a "toy" is creepy and gross.

"What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me Want You More" - literally sounds like an obsessive teenager in a toxic relationship. So if he beats you bloody, you still want to be with him? No, seek help.

And the list goes on. SO MANY of her songs are these pedantic little 8th grade diary takes coming out of a mid-30's woman. Just compare Adel's "Someone Like You" to literally any Taylor Swift song. Has Taylor EVER wished her ex's "nothing but the best, just please don't forget me"? Because if memory serves, it's always either "I want you back wah poor me" or "fuck you you're a toxic piece of shit".

One of my favorite adult artists is Hilary Duff. She's been releasing albums since the early 2000's as a teenager, so she's roughly in the same situation as Taylor. However, Hilary's work very clearly aged with her. From one of her early albums, Metamorphosis, she has songs like Sweet Sixteen, Metamorphosis, and Working it Out, all of which are about different experiences of being young, recognizing you're still growing and becoming yourself, and the excitement confusion that often comes along with that. None of those three songs are about a boy, but do mention them as *part* of her life. As a young 20-something, Hilary released Reach Out, which is a spicy, suggestive party song. It conjures up images of dark rooms, loud music, and roaming hands. "It's like the prey playing games with the hunter, nowhere to run boy, time to surrender". It's notably more mature and suggestive than anything she sang at 16/17. Then several years later, in her 30s, we got songs like Confetti and My Kind, which are about finding people - romantically or platonically - that are "our kind" of people or who will "catch" us. Looking for stability and authenticity, people who are real and want to stick with you for the long haul because they like you for who you really are. No more flings and hook ups from her 20s, she's a grown adult who wants the people around her to be real, even when it's not what she wants to hear.

We don't see this kind of growth or change with Taylor Swift. She's still writing the same angry breakup songs we was writing at 17, and her lyricism hasn't even improved. If anything, I think it got worse.

Anyway, this got really long, but oh well. You're so right, anon, and it's WILD.

#ask #anon #anti taylor swift #taylor swift critical

[cooki3face]

abundance reading: money, career, academics, goals, etc.

Pile three💰:

Affirmation: “I am the epitome of joy.”

Some of you could be in debt? Or some of you could have bad spending habits I’m hearing you could have a habit of buying things to feel better or spending money very quickly. You could be someone who didn’t grow up with a lot of money who probably doesn’t know what to do with it other than get rid of it as soon as possible in case you never have anymore. Like spending your money like it’s your last like it’s the only money you’ll ever have like it’s your last. I see you trying to manifest more money or trying to manifest success in an area of your life. Spirit wants you to try and practice balance or moderation. You could be wanting to make an investment of have some type of business goal or an idea you haven’t been able to bring into fruition because you continuously spend your money on things that aren’t as important as what you want to create for yourself. You could be really inspired by something or inspired to do something pile three.

Spirit says that there’s something you’re meant to be doing or something you’re meant to be creating that will bring success for you or will be highly valuable or important to you at some point in this life. You could need to work on your habits or learn to have some self discipline or work to shift some things in your life so that you can do better for yourself moving forward. There is a need for some sort of transition or change with this six of swords card in my deck.

⭐️~ this could be something really difficult for you to overcome or a habit that stems from trauma or something subconscious or deep rooted for you with this really deep blue coloring on the card. And all of these physical items floating around being left in the water really gives the impression of giving up things within your life or giving up something within your life that was a sense of stability for you or a safety blanket in order for you to grow and move on.

I see something here about seeking personal closure that could be causing delays in your life or taking short cuts that are causing delays in your life. In your financial life, in getting to experience your creative endeavors. There’s some internal alignment here and some baggage that needs to be addressed and released here before you can get the happiness and success you want to see both in your spiritual and financial life. You could have this idea or this goal in the back of your mind often and it just keeps getting pushed back or delayed because of this issue or a lack of financial discipline that you have. You could be in deep contemplation about this stagnancy or this reading will evoke deep contemplation about this stagnancy and motivate you to make some much needed changes.

Your ten of cups (harmony and divine alignment) is possible and is coming but only if you allow it. This is something you’re passionate about, something you desire to truly bring into fruition and it’s up to you if you want to take action and make the proper decisions to do that. I see abundance, luxury, financial independence and self sustainability in your future. You need to be courageous enough to take a leap and be willing enough to make some changes or some sacrifices. You’re obsessed with this idea or obsessed with the success you could have but you’ve been stubborn and you’ve been unable to push yourself in the right direction. Last card is ten of pentacles; wealth, financial security, family, long-term success, and contribution. Self explanatory.

Lucky Girl Syndrome: Self-Concept Affirmations 🍀

#self love #self care #self improvement #dream girl #self discovery #self expression #healingjourney #self healing #manifestation #abundance

[yuna-writes]

My real thoughts about the mass layoffs

These days I think the news about mass layoffs really is starting to change my perspective on work. It's something I'm contemplating more about whether I want to re-join the workforce or not. If I don't, then I really need to commit to a routine that's not a typical working schedule. I'm not exactly too deep into my career or anything. I only spent 6 years working after finishing school. But I don't think these wide scale layoffs are going to be the last of things. It won't be the norm, but it won't be a rarity either.

I think mass layoffs really suck for people who worked in their career for over 15-20 years. They have a family, and other living expenses. They probably worked hard to where they are, and they just pretty much got thrown out like trash. Not going to sugar coat the truth. When you get laid off, it's pretty cold and brutal. There's no emotions in regards to a business decision. But it makes you think those people probably placed all of their enthusiasm, energy, livelihood, happiness and fulfillment at their jobs. And now these layoffs put them in emotional and financial darkness as well. I can't say whether mass layoffs is justifiable or not because I don't have the numbers or details to how they make those decisions. But it does go against the narrative of the "american dream" in which finding a job leads to some stability and security. This sort of proves it doesn't always. It's kind of depressing to think that way, where people firmly believe their time at a job mattered but it didn't. All they did was making someone richer.

These days I don't even know how to approach a new job. Should I feel enthusiastic or apathetic so I don't involve my emotions? Logically, you shouldn't get too attached to your job, because they can end the working relationship anytime. So it would save your mental health by feeling no emotional attachment. But that kind of existence is kind of depressing. But, the more attached you do become to your job, the more traumatized you feel when you get terminated. It's sort of a like romantic relationship. That's why I think it's better not put all of your eggs in one basket, and try to seek fulfillment other then a job.

You start to wake up and question whether you want to spend another 20 years of your life chasing the rat race and then come to dead end. For me, I don't like the idea of depending my livelihood over to someone else, but that's exactly what being an employee is about. If it's not your typical day job, then I really need to figure out a career and lifestyle tailored to my needs. It's just really hard to let go of the previous idea where I wanted to work as designer at some company for a long time. However, I do think it's a better idea to decide early then when I reach 40 or 50 then have some mid life crisis if I get laid off again. The older you become, the more difficult it is secure stable employment.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm sure there's people who worked their entire lives as an employee and felt happy or fulfilled throughout their entire career. I don't think it's for me. It's kind of like school, I wasn't a great student because I really disliked the structural environment where you do assigned homework you don't really care about. I can't sit at a small desk doing the same homework, and being surrounded by people who don't really like you lol. It's a similar concept at work. You sit in a small cubicle, doing the same thing everyday in a highly structural environment, and being surrounded by people who don't really like you. It's your typical struggle of a creative person.

Truthfully, sometimes I wished was that normal student who actually likes school and get good grades and had a lot of friends. In a similar notion, I sort of wished I was a normal employee who actually like their job and make friendships at work. I just notice I'm not that type of individual. It gets really frustrating too, such as why am I always like this? I just abhor those lifestyles, it just feels so suffocating and limiting? I always question how can those people be so happy? The majority perceives it that way, it must be true. Well, it's like choosing a career. One career can outright make you miserable and make you feel like a failure, but it doesn't mean you are a failure. It just means you haven't really found the right lifestyle, the right people, and the right type of work that fits you. I'm constantly trying to figure that out because I obviously don't fit the mold of a "normal person."

#notes

[animewriter75]

4 Ways to Improve Mental Health In Sales Can Be Fun For Everyone

Beyond the Amount Being successful in Sales While Managing Depression The majority of folks would explain me as normally appealing, comical, and full of energy. I'm not much of a person who chat regarding issues that go beyond my prompt condition – so I'm going to chat regarding my battle with my anxiety when addressing this concern. My Lifestyle Transforming Life After I Begin Depression Depression is a long and hard experience for me. For some factor I made an effort to cease it. No one would enable me to. I can easily help make folks delighted about concepts and think in themselves. But in the end, it's simply how we produce ourselves delighted through assisting ourselves, and the kind of kind of kind of favorable adjustment is always what it takes to produce someone happy.". As the brand-new chapter in the on-going conversation between self-help authority Matt Ryan and the remainder of us, we've actually come to be familiar to some of the very most very negative things we've been taught regarding results since Bill Gates passed away. I can easily assist them view a better future. I are going to take them to the following level and be honored that they are not neglected, as a lot as he is. You were once an aspiring comic book artist to watch. But now, you have a project that you only can easilyn't do. I have operated for some of the highest-profile and most productive developers in the field and have had the opportunity to function with some of the biggest thoughts in witties. And because of that, you’d never know that I get occasionally depressed. What I'd say is this: I received a lot of good dream. Sometimes, it could possibly have been great traits like I was married to a effective, prosperous pair. In some cases, it would be poor updates. But when you look at what I've accomplished since leaving behind my job, I'm glad for what I had. It takes place every two years, although I don’t know how to describe it. It's like my grandmother's home! It's therefore much much bigger or so far away coming from the house you get if you're in there certainly straight right now. [laughter] And there's individuals residing in the residence. There's only so a lot of people in [the property] all the opportunity in the property. It's truly, definitely, truly ridiculous, and it's merely therefore challenging. What I recognize for particular is, if you appeared at me when it was listed below, you can find it in me, and I wish you carried outn’t. Right now I wanna observe it in me. To mention it was right here is a lie, and I want it didn't keep right here, or I would have it got rid of to help make me mention it would be listed below…. And when you look at me right now, that's so true… that's how beautiful and attractive I am today. I’d instead you not find me at all when I’m depressed. What I saw and observed was an act of natural individual sympathy, total of desire, and the kind of kind of kind of love that is always certainly there, a kind of genuine love, for nothing. But this is not what they were wishing for.". He had been a member of the Catholic-led United Church in Ireland for approximately six years before he began his task at the neighborhood authorities. In the purchases field, staying away from individual connect with isn’t an alternative. A lot of shops, and even a lot of government ones, don't desire to offend anyone. This Piece Covers It Well isn't a service. It's a concern of security. Individuals mustn't go right into a shop to walk the pet. That indicates they should likewise not touch anything on the shelves of other establishments that might not also be on the listing. Why? It's simply because they feel that the retail store is more secure. I still need to help make a living, and experience my responsibilities, and spend my home mortgage. It's like my funds is not in a bank account (although, with your financial resources right now extra efficient, that's simpler). Currently, for those outside the tech world, the solution to this circumstance might be to have a bit even more regard for what we phone "innovation": to create it much easier in the label of "quality and performance," and at a price. Because of this challenge, you might quickly envision someone who never complies with quota, can’t obtain out of bedroom, and never ever helps make President Club (do they still have that?). This has actually to be a reasonable concern along with a quota body. For a efficient inquiry/concern to be real, it is hard to state that the individuals who operate for you do not deserve to be at threat, not to know what their future keeps in various other components of the company.

While handling along with depression at work is part of life, I’ve took care of to go on to become productive and struck several of the breakthroughs salespeople most aim to for myself and my clients. I will take these very early measures to go on record and say along with certainty that in no way, design or type, is my occupation job or my job occupation the way it is. But I know there are folks who try to use me as a bargaining potato chip or just an additional "sell-out". I’ve closed a $1M+ high-profile federal government agreement. ‪#‎thelivesmatter ‪#‎HollywoodNews‡#‎Omgi‾‿ing it was to be carried out confidentially under the leadership of Director of General at the Department of Veterans Affairs Dr. Steve Levitan. It's one of the more stunning instances of a VA politician taking advantage of social assistance that will definitely certainly be remembered for lots of years to come. I’ve boosted near prices for propositions through over 3x in a 2-year time frame. ‪The development of the stock cost is steered through the rising cost of financial obligation and by the carried on problem in keeping high job degrees and a increasing cost of solutions.". ‪ Depending on to the Committee's file, "A considerable section of our organization creates revenues after tax obligation. That is not a large proportion of our revenue created.

#clinical depression self treatment #how to fight depression and anxiety without medication #how to eat to beat depression and anxiety #how to deal with depression in a relationship

[pohaislovesoismaggi]

Ok so I saw Miss Granny years ago, didn't love it, and just came across something that reminded me of the movie. So here's my rant -

I absolutely hate the protagonist because of how she is to her Daughter in Law (DIL from now on).

The granny was a single mother, in really hard times with no education (as far as I remember) so she struggled a lot. But she makes her DIL's life miserable.

She's constantly nagging her DIL about how to do stuff and especially about her cooking. Sure, there might be a way which she thinks is better and maybe she's right, but it's been decades since her DIL cooks it in her way. - So just let her cook in peace. If you don't like it and are so sure that your son likes your cooking better - You can make it yourself for the 2 of you. - Now I know people having to make their food separately due to someone not accomodating the tastes is a very wild concept in Asian households. But then the same way maybe the granny should learn to accommodate other people's tastes as well.

2. Next, she coddles her grandson. He is in a band and doesn't work. The DIL is worried about him and wants him to do something more financially secure. Now I also know the culture in Asia and asian parents make it very difficult for people to pursue their passion and generally I would sympathise with the grand son but I also get that parents can be worried. - But what actually makes me sympathise with the DIL is how the granny totally overlooks the DIL's parenting and encourages the grandson to leave and gives him some pocket money as well.

Which would also be fine but then she berates her DIL, for nagging the grand son. (At least the DIL is nagging him about a job and not about how to cook fish, for years at that). Then she has the audacity to berate her DIL saying HOW SHE (the DIL) JUST SPENDS THE MONEY HER SON EARNS. She is giving free childcare and relaxation to him and you!?!? If the granny has raised the child alone, she knows how hard it is. She should be happy she doesn't have to do it again with 2 grand kids but instead she just focused on how hard she had it. Well this I get, sometimes people are so used to their own struggles that others lives might seem easier. But it doesn't make it ok for her to berate her DIL for spending money FOR THE FAMILY, IN FRONT OF THE GRAND DAUGHTER - MONEY THAT IS ALSO SPENT ON THE GRANNY, MIND YOU.

3. Also, the granny loves bragging about her son being a professor - makes sense as it is a very lucrative career in SK. But that is also the thing which supports a family of 5 and the granny's life in her old days. Why is it not ok for her DIL to then be concerned about the grand son's career. Especially, when in Asian households children are considered responsible for taking care of their parents in old age (Something that the granny's professor son is also doing).

Now I generally hate parents nagging children in movies to look for traditional jobs and comparing the children because how suffocating it feels. But the granny makes me feel even more suffocated on the DIL's behalf.

So the DIL collapses due to stress one day, doesn't want granny in the room when talking to the family even when she's barely conscious. Which does make granny feel bad. And I suppose viewers were also supposed to feel bad about the granny being sidelined but sorry I didn't think so.

So, everyone is the way they are because of their lives, let say so but the granny doesn't learn much even after her adventures.

4. When she becomes young, has fun and all, and is invited to DIL's house, she again politely tells DIL the correct way to make fish. YOU ARE A GUEST. BEHAVE LIKE ONE. If anything, in Asian households we are taught to be polite to a fault. Couldn't she stop herself and not critique the host's food. Also host who is supposedly your ELDER.

Like maybe the way she cooks food is the way she ate it in childhood. Does she really have to do everything according to her in laws?

At the end of the movie, the granny and DIL are shown to be getting along. But I don't think she changed much.

The charm of the movie was seeing a young looking lady acting like an old granny - subtle nuances that a person from SK's culture would enjoy much more because they would understand the absurdity of the mannerisms and looks mismatch.

I see her getting a chance to enjoy youth that she couldn't and people getting to know her fun loving side - but I don't see her learning anything from her journey - if she would have been admonished by an elder person who thought she was a young adult, then she would understand, but even that is unlikely...

In short, I hate the movie because I couldn't bring myself to care for the protagonist's feelings.

There might some details I don't recall but yeah this is based on the gist of the movie I remember.

P.S. - Please feel free to write in whether you agree or not.

#Miss granny #Korean movie

[hello-nichya-here]

How NOT to write romance - How I Met Your Mother edition

Warning: long-ass post and lots of bitterness over a TV show that ended nearly eight years ago.

Basics for story-telling

If the romance you want to write is dysfunctional, fucking embrace it and have fun with the concept instead of pretending the bad shit the characters do is okay because “it’s true love”

Acknowledgde that your main character has flaws instead of acting like he is a saint who can do no wrong for no reason other than “he is the main character. Definitively don’t make him do, of his own free will, the exact exact same things the supposedly “selfish and cruel” womanizer does and then excuse it as him having “succumbed to/been tricked by a bad influece” like he’s child who doesn’t know any better instead of being a grown ass adult.

Don’t make your characters be annoying, entitled fuckers who think they have the right to judge others for wanting different things out of a relationship/not wanting a relationship at all. Don’t act like monogamy, double dates with other couples, marriage and children are something EVERYONE secretly wants deep down.

Don’t demonize the “evil” character of the group and act like the “heroes” being appalled by the shit he does is anything other than hypocricy. There’s literally nothing forcing them to be friends with him, so they’re obviously not as horrified at bad shit he does as they say they are, otherwise they would have ditched him a long time ago.

Don’t have the “heartless womanizer”,  who we later find out is the ex-husband of the girl the lead wanted for himself, be shown to us exclusively through the eyes of the an unreliable narrator who had motivation to make him see worse than he is likely to be (get his kids to want him to get the girl instead of the “douchebag”). Also, don’t make his schemes to trick women into sleeping with them so completely absurd and ridiculous that the audience is pretty sure that 70% of the women he banged were completely aware he just wanted a quick fuck and went along with it anyway because they wanted some dick (and because the character is played by Neil Patric Harris, who is incapable of not being charismatic)

Fucking let you characters (especially the supposed hero we’re supposed to think is the best boyfriend ever) grow instead of making them constantly repeat the same mistakes

Lily and Marshall

Don’t make one of the characters hide something very important from their partner, and then have the audacity to be mad at them for “just not understanding” as if they were given any reason to understand what the problem even is

Don’t act like someone being heartbroken that their partner lied to them and practically made a plan to “escape” being married to them means they’re not being “supportive” of said partners dream - you should especially not do that after we were shown that they took a job they didn’t like just to make sure they’d have a secure future that would allow said partner to follow their dream.

Don’t have the character who was obviously in the wrong need to be convinced to get their shit together and apologize to their ex.

If a character forgave the ex who wronged them and even got back together with them, don’t have them constantly hold their past mistakes over their head like it that problem has not already been solved - you especially not make them do that on what was supposed to be their wedding day. They can either forgive their partner or not, they can’t keep going back and forth.

Don’t have them constantly hide important shit from each other (having a huge financial debt, getting a job, etc)

DO NOT have the character who fucked up years prior suddenly be willing to do the same shit again for the EXACT same reason (”I think our relationship is in the way of my dreams and I’m now completely isolated because I refuse to talk things out with you”) and then expect the audience to sympathize with them.

Ted and Robin 

Unless you’re writing a Disney/Disney-esque romance, don’t have your lead just look at someone across the room, decide they’re “The one”, imagine their life together and full on say “I’m love with you” AND “I love you” on the first goddamn date.

Don’t have the lead stalk his love interest, and throw three parties in a row just to have an excuse to get close to her now that she made it clear she is not interested in having a relationship with him.

Don’t have the “hero” lie about having broken up with his girlfriend so the girl he wants to be with will sleep with him, and then have him blame his actions on time. “Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.” Grow a pair of balls, Ted!

If one of the characters says “You’re going too fast on the whole ‘love’ thing. Can’t we just go on a few dates and see what happens instead of already starting to plan our lives together?” and the others throws a fit, that is called “being incompatible” and “damn, this dude doesn’t respect boundaries”, not “Wow, she’s so afraid of commitment”

If you want the audience to believe the main character’s feelings are not one-sided, don’t make the fact that said feelings ARE unrequited a running joke, and don’t have the girl only accept giving him a chance after having to deal with the fucker whining “But I love you” for months and/or after going through bad break ups. Also, if you have to retcon half the fucking show to “proove” that “she DOES love him”, that pairing fucking sucks.

Don’t compare the couple you want the audience to root for to the main character’s divorced, dysfunctional parents, and don’t have flashbacks showing that the lead had no clue what his girlfriend actually liked in bed AND that she literally covered up his face so she could pretend she was fucking someone else.

DON’T MAKE HER GET RID OF HER DOGS, YOU FUCKING MONSTER!

If your lead character is still jealous/possessive of his ex, thinks he still has a chance even after she told him to his face that she didn’t love him, and acts like she and her fiance (who he says is his friend) being happy is somehow them being selfish and cruel, your lead character is a loser AND an asshole.

Don’t throw away the entire premise of the show (Ted finding the REAL love of his life) just to force a bad pairing down the audience’s throat

Ted Mosby in general

Don’t have your “romantic, sensitive hero” break up with a girl on her birthday through an answering machine, come back into her life without warning years later because he’s afraid he’ll die alone, and find out that she never heard the message but was actually told about it by her friends and family who were at her apartment preparing a surprise party for her. You should especially not make his first reaction to this new be being mad that he was not invited to the party, and for the love of God, don’t make him break up with her on her birthday AGAIN.

Don’t have the “hero” cheat on his girlfriend and excuse it with bullshit like “Nothing good happens 2 a.m.” and “But I genuinely love Robin so it’s okay that I’m lying to both of them”. Do not, I repeat, do NOT have him blame it on his girlfriend being distant when she didn’t pick up the phone one night and then called back the second she was free to do so, while he was enjoying the gifts she sent him and LIED to her about having sent her some as well.

Don’t fucking make an entire episode with the premise of him turning a no into a yes - and telling that story to his children like it’s romantic.

Don’t have his fiance, who he knows has a rocky relationship with the father of her daughter, tell him she is uncomfortable with him inviting his ex to their wedding and then have him decide “This means I should invite her ex as well”. Also don’t expect me to feel bad for him when she runs off with said ex.

Don’t have him spend YEARS waiting for one of the hundreds of girls he thinks is “the one” to be single and even ask her neighbour to spy on her and let him know when/if she breaks up with her boyfriend - again, for YEARS.

Don’t have the lead say he’s gonna tell their kids about his love story with their DECEASED mother, only for it to secretly be an excuse for him to go “By the way, I’m still in love with aunt Robin despite her having rejected me for 25 years, can I go screw her?”

Don’t act like making the characters reverse back into who they were at the beginning at the story means they’re gonna make things work this time when the whole point of their break up in the beginning on the story was the fact that they’re just not right for each other.

Robin and Kevin

A therapist who was supposed to help their patient move on after a bad break up that messed them up, dating said patient is a major red flag. It is also a bad sign that, when she cheats on him and wants to break up, he realized what she was doing to used his job as “evidence” that he knew better and that she should NOT tell her partner how she felt/what she actually wanted.

Do NOT have said therapist date yet ANOTHER patient that asked him help to move on from a bad break up. Seriously, Kevin was a creep, stop acting like he was some angel who “deserved better than Robin.”

BONUS: How NOT to break up a couple - Barney and Robin edition

Don’t act like their relationship falling appart after their friends kept meddling, and even kept them locked in a room against their will until they labeled their relationship as something they aproved of, is somehow “proof” that they’re not good for each other.

Don’t retcon their relationship to force a break up (seriously, Barney was super supportive of Robin long before he even fell in love with her, but I’m supposed to believe he’d be a bad boyfriend who is never there for her? And he loved advantures and always said “challenge accepted”, but was suddenly miserable travelling the world with her and couldn’t deal with not having wi-fi at the hotel? Fuck off)

Don’t spend an entire season focusing on their wedding, have them get married and then divorce THE NEXT FUCKING EPISODE! Why do you hate your audience? Even people who don’t want them together can see this a terrible idea.

And most important of all, when people question what the fuck were you thinking, don’t have a meltdown on twitter and say that people who think Barney can change are responsible for Donald Trump being elected, you fucking weirdo, go see a therapist (that isn’t like Kevin)

#how i met your mother #himym finale #swarkles #anti ted and robin #fuck ted mosby #worst finale ever #barney stinson #barney deserved better #robin deserved better #they deserved better #i deserved better

[some-cookie-crumbz]

Philosophy 101

Philosophy 101 Fandom: My Hero Academia Pairing: FuyuPress Summary: FuyuPress Week 2021 Day 2 Prompt Fill: Soulmate - “Soulmates?” he asked with a brow raised. He reached up with his prosthetic hand to rub at his chin thoughtfully. “What a peculiar thing to ask about.” Minor Warning: Implied Hanky-Panky but nothing explicit. Standard Disclaimer: If you read and enjoy this, please give it a like/ reblog so I know if I should write more.

When she was just a child, she loved stories about soul mates. Things like true love’s kiss and handsome princes’ come to save the day on horseback became her idealistic view of the world. She clung to those fairy tales and how they could be applied to the real world, asking Mother often is that was what Father was to her. Back then she hadn’t noticed how the smile never reached the gray depths of Mother’s eyes, but she came to understand it as she got older. A prince wouldn’t belittle, berate and beat the princess he so adored. Her parents’ marriage being something born of financial comfort and narcissistic ego rather than loyalty and love had been a heavy blow.

The accompanying realization that there may never have been any love between her parents had been somehow more terrifying.

In high school, her disillusionment with the idea of love and soul mates had been given even more evidence. Between herself and her friends, so many of their “charming royal suitors” turned out to be nothing but façade and hormones. They would be cruel in so many different ways, in ways she still bore the physical and emotional remnants of, and she’d resolved herself to be content on her own. She had her family and her work and her friends – the ones that had been with her through it all – and she determined that she would commit to that being enough for now. She resigned that she would most likely settle for someone Father selected, someone who would be financially secure and – if she was lucky – gentle enough that rearing a family would be tolerable.

And then there was Sako Atsuhiro, more enigma than man.

Their first meeting had been anything but graceful. It had been on a field trip day to a local museum for a more hands-on experience involving pre-Quirk society. Her little problem child, Toshiro-Chan, had been fiddling about with his Quirk as he was prone to. His Quirk was that he could temporarily make any item - even ones that lacked any metal component - magnetic for a short period of time. Thinking that it would be a fun little prank, he’d magnetized one of the plastic line poles used to keep the children from getting too close to the exhibits…

And ended up dragging poor Sako over through the means of his prosthetic arm.

Fuyumi had been absolutely mortified, offering frantic apologies to Sako and stern words to Toshiro-Chan as she tried to help separate his arm from the pole. Sako had been a darling and taken it all in stride, though. He made a few teasing remarks to help alleviate some of her distress and the young tot’s guilt, reassuring that he was in as many pieces as he’d entered the establishment in. He had ended up trailing along with her class after that, the students all fascinated more in his prosthetic arm than the sights they were there for. Once the students were all loaded back up onto the bus and with one final plea from Fuyumi to find some way to make it all up to him, he made a suggestion.

“If you insist, young miss,” he mused, producing a small slip of paper between his fingers from thin air, “treating me to a beverage some time would be a welcome gesture of apology.”

And that first little coffee date had bloomed into something unexpected but new. Fuyumi was used to the polite and suave gentleman act that he seemed to play at, but she found the big difference to be that it wasn’t an act with him. THe more she grew to know him, the more she realized he was very much a “What You See is What You Get” kind of man. He wasn’t afraid to purr softly in her ear of the things he’d relish in doing to her once they were alone and then hold true to those words when they were. He was as polite and respectful and responsible behind closed doors as he was on the street and this concept was absolutely earth-shattering for her. For Todoroki Fuyumi, who presented herself as the sensible and mature daughter most would expect of a Pro Hero, the idea of someone who was so unabashedly themselves in every aspect of their life, it was new and enticing and hypnotic in a way.

Which was probably why her mind wandered back to childhood fantasies, blurting the question out before she could think better of it as they lounged together in his bed one night.

“Soulmates?” he asked with a brow raised. He reached up with his prosthetic hand to rub at his chin thoughtfully. “What a peculiar thing to ask about.”

She shuffled to nuzzle into his pillow a bit more, hiding the lower half of her face and muffling her words a bit. “Is it?” she asked uneasily. A flash of panic coursed through her. Had she crossed some strange line between them? Would such an immature question turn him away from her? “You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to. It is a kinda weird question. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

He blinked, brown eyes twinkling as he fixed his gaze back on her, before a small smile tipped up on his lips. “Nonsense, my dear. If you were thinking about it to a point you wanted to mention it, it is clearly important for you to discuss it,” he said, reaching out with his flesh hand to gently stroke along her cheek. She shifted to tilt up into the touch more, relaxing a bit at the soothing familiarity of his touch. “If you are asking as to whether I believe that soulmates are real or not… I don’t believe in something as basic as one singular soulmate for your whole life long.”

She perked up and made a small confused noise. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I feel like every partner - good or bad - has qualities indicative of what a soulmate is meant to be. For elaboration, what is a soulmate as you see it?”

She hummed thoughtfully as she pushed herself to sit up with the help of her elbows more. She steepled her and tapped them against her lips as she tried to sort her thoughts properly. Atsuhiro had moved to gently trail his hand over her shoulder to draw little shapes along the exposed skin of her back instead. “Well, they’re someone who is there for you when you need them and not always in ways you expect. They accept you as you are, and inspire you to be a better person. To work to be the best side of yourself. The side of you that they see you as,” She watched as he nodded along with her words, smile widening a little bit. She shifted to move a smidge closer to him. “And what about you?”

“I would agree with what you’ve said,” he hummed, holding up one finger on his other hand, “and would also state that there are parts or what you said that I learned from past lovers.”

“So you’ve met your soulmate before then?” she asked, cocking her head and knitting her brow.

He chuckled and shifted to lay on his side beside her. “Not quite. Perhaps they are not your soulmate for all of time, but they are in that moment. And I think that there is something to be treasured in that,” he explained, lifting his arm to invite her closer.

She frowned as she shifted to laying on her side as well, hands sliding to rest on his shoulders. “But… Doesn’t that kind of lessen the significance of having a soulmate? If every person you’re with is a soulmate?” It made little sense to her and felt a bit like a cop-out, if she were honest. After all, the idea of her past partners being considered soulmates make her stomach churn uncomfortably. Sure, there had been points where she’d thought it could be possible, but… Well, hindsight was 20-20, right?

“Perhaps, yes, but I do not feel so,” he mused. He settled his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to himself, looking down at her with a fond expression. “If not for those past experiences, I would not be the person that I am proud to be today, the man who is happy to spend his time with you and treat you as you deserve. And I needed all of those past lovers and the times with them - both the good and the bad - to be able to come to certain realizations about myself. To teach me what was important to me in the kind of partner I was as well as the kind of partner I wanted.”

Fuyumi blinked and nodded slowly, letting his words turn over in her mind. It… Did make a certain kind of sense, actually. She was only able to determine the things she wanted in a serious, committed relationship because of what she’d been through with her past partners. If she hadn’t dated them, would she still be as naive as she was at age seven? Believing that her ideal partner would be someone who was perfect and handsome and, realistically, didn’t exist? And that wasn’t even taking into account the little things she’d learned to perceive from a handful of dates. Would she still be able to spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Or would she just be a sheep to the slaughter, of sorts?

“Does that help at all, my dear?” he asked, pressing a small kiss to her forehead and snapping her from her internal ramblings.

She flashed a small smile before curling into his chest. “Yes, I think it does, Atsuhiro. Thank you,” she hummed, closing her eyes as he began to gently stroke her hair, fingertips grazing along the shell of her ear.

Perhaps his definition was a bit more romantic than she’d thought.

#My Hero Academia #FuyuPress #Mr. Compress #Sako Atsuhiro #Todoroki Fuyumi #FuyuPress Week 2021 #my fics #I almost went the angsty route with this #But decided to do something a bit sweeter instead

[tlbodine]

Things That Do (And Don’t) Sell Books (in my experience)

I’ve just finished reading this book:

I am both amused and a bit disheartened to have read the whole thing and discovered that I knew pretty much everything in it. Amused, because I guess I’ve picked up a lot of knowledge over the years. Disheartened, because it clearly has not led to me becoming the break-away success I always dreamed of. Ah well. Live and learn. 

I’m all about transparency in this business, so I wanted to talk honestly for a while about book marketing and what I’ve experienced in terms of what does and does not seem to work. I’d love to hear your thoughts, so chime in with your own experiences! 

Branding and Audience 

The first third of Burke’s book is dedicated to this aspect, and it’s an important marketing step that’s easy to overlook. The idea is basically that you can’t market a product unless it has a brand identity. To create your brand, you need to do the following: 

Identify the audience who you are trying to reach with your work, or who would be most receptive to what you’re writing

Identify your dreams and goals so you have a clear picture in mind of what you want to accomplish 

Figure out how to position yourself in such a way that you a.) stand out from the competition but b.) people can still relate to and understand at a glance

Find a way to communicate your brand consistently in terms of the language used, your aesthetic, the way you act online, and so forth. 

When it comes to brand-building as an author, I think I’ve got a bit of a corner nailed down. I at least hope to be perceived as someone level-headed, thoughtful, generally positive/empathetic and humanist, but also critical and looking deeper into the meanings of things -- all of which are traits I personally possess and which are baked in to the work I do. In support of that branding, I curate my activity online as best I can: I post things that are of a certain horror aesthetic that I feel overlaps with my own interests/style; I give writing advice and boost people in the community where I can; I wade into discourse selectively and thoughtfully; I give media reviews and analysis that I think would be interesting to like-minded people. 

The “identify the audience” part is much harder for me. I’m still honestly not sure who my ideal reader is, or where exactly to go to find my audience. At this point I’m kind of scattering crumbs of myself out into the wind and hoping it will attract people who will, in turn, be interested in the work that I do (and both willing and able to support it financially). 

Things I’ve Done With Varying Degrees of Success: 

Aforementioned blogging activities. I have slowly but steadily grown my following her on tumblr and other social media sites as well as my author newsletter on substack, but it’s not clear to what extent that following translates into book sales. My writing advice posts vastly out-perform all of my other content, but I haven’t seen compelling evidence that the people interested in my writing advice are especially interested in my fiction -- it seems to be two separate groups, with maybe a sliver of overlap. 

Content marketing with more short fiction. This seems like it should be the safest, surest way to find more readers, but it’s time-consuming and discouraging because of the discoverability cycle. My horror flash fiction posts don’t get nearly as many notes as my advice posts. My attempts to get into the big anthologies that pop up have so far amounted to little, although I do need to write more. It’s just that coming up with new ideas and writing them all the time is a lot of work, and if it’s not paying off maybe I’m still better off dedicating that work to my novels. 

Sending ARCs to book bloggers/reviewers/booktube etc. I sent out dozens, if not hundreds, of these and got next to no response. I do think part of the problem is that, at the time, I had no Twitter presence, and -- like it or not -- there seems to be a bit of cliqueishness to this aspect of the book world. Now that I’ve spent more time on Twitter ingratiating myself with the horror community, I suspect I’ll have a somewhat easier job securing blurbs and reviews at least from the people in my extended social circle. But I won’t know until I try it again. *I also know I would have greater success with this if I’d been sending paperback ARCs instead of digital. I didn’t, because the cost of buying more author copies + shipping was prohibitive. 

Author Newsletter. I maintain mine in conjunction with my Patreon account. I send a monthly news round-up, making a point of shouting out both industry news and the milestones/achievements of others in the community as well as providing what I hope to be value-added or interesting content (in the form of blog posts my patrons vote on). It does OK. I average a couple of new sign-ups per month this way and tend to hover around a 25% open rate, which isn’t terrible. But it’s not great, either, and I won’t know for sure whether any of those opens will actually yield sales at any point. 

Interpersonal relationships/community building. Hands down the most successful “marketing” thing I’ve ever done is make friends with people. My writing discord group is small but very close-knit and interacting with them is one of the genuine highlights of my day. I didn’t really make it with mercenary intentions of selling books, but it has directly resulted in sales. Similarly, there are a handful of authors from Twitter and Wattpad that I’ve developed genuine friendships with, and we buy each other’s books and support one another. This whole community aspect is extremely rewarding and I’d do it whether or not it sold books, but it’s also not exactly easy to scale. I can only maintain genuine friendships with so many people. 

Posting in reading groups. The books that allow self-promo are so saturated with it that nobody pays any attention. The good groups do not allow self-promo, unless it’s in the form of getting down in the comments and recommending a book on a per-person basis to people looking for a specific thing, and only then if you’re not being spammy. Again, this is time-consuming. You could spend your entire life in these groups, hand-selling books to these people, and maybe picking up a few sales. They do seem like a good place to identify trends, though, so they’re good for market research if not direct selling. 

Things I Have Not Done, But Which I Suspect Would Sell Books 

Paid promotions. The golden ticket for book sales still seems to be landing a BookBub promo. If you’re unfamiliar, this is where you price your book at 99 cents or free and then pay bookbub to include it in their deals newsletter. Bookbub is very popular and moves a lot of copies. Ideally, you want to set it up so that your cheap book is the first in a series, and people snap that up and then come back to read the rest. This requires you to have written a series. Also bookbub is expensive because these are premium ads. We’re talking hundreds of dollars for one ad. There are other book promos that are cheaper but don’t have the same buy-through rate. 

Ads on facebook/amazon. I’m only dimly familiar with the ins and outs of these ads. They can be relatively cheap, but the amount of visibility they have is tied to your budget -- so the more you can spend on a campaign, the better your performance will be. 

Calling bookstores/libraries and asking them to order. I should do this. I have not done this purely because I am a coward. 

I am not certain what more I can do to promote my books without spending money. 

I understand the “spend money to make money” concept, but I also understand the “I have a limited budget and cannot spend it willy nilly on things that still might not actually pay off, especially considering how expensive self-publishing is when you want to do it right.” 

...This post ended up in a much more bitter place than I meant for it to. Sorry. I’ll check in if I remember additional points that could be successful strategies. 

#writing #publishing #writing advice #publishing advice #writeblr #long post

[expectedbehavior]

I was raised by someone who grew up poor (4 kids in rural Louisiana with homemade clothes levels of poor) and who kept that mindset even after they were no longer financially insecure. It heavily influenced how I conceptualize money and purchases, even tho I am also financially secure. (Yes, even despite my objectively ridiculous “collect all the shit” hobbies lol)

INTELLECTUALLY I know that I can afford to purchase things at prices that seem extravagant to my mind. But I can’t get rid of the feeling that I SHOULDN’T do that, because of many interconnecting associations from my childhood — and also due to How Life Be (TM) in the US.

What if The Thing isn’t really worth that amount? (It probably isn’t but how will I know that until I have it?)

Maybe I just haven’t looked hard enough to find it at a better price. (I mean, maybe, but how long do you “look hard enough” before saying “nope this is it.”?)

What if I get in a medical situation after buying it and now I’m in medical debt up to my ears but if I hadn’t bought The Thing I could have avoided it? (Jesus, I hate private healthcare…)

In the end my mind always runs in circles and I end up settling for something cheaper or I hunt for “bargains” secondhand. But sometimes I wish I could get my brain to understand that buying something used for $100 that looked great but probably has hidden issues and needs copious amounts of work is not necessarily “better” than just buying the thing I need new IF I CAN AFFORD TO DO SO.

I 100% recognize that 1) this is completely a First World Problem, 2) something that is not life threatening in any way, and 3) probably going to make people say I’m a whiny privileged kid and to stfu. I am not writing this post to flaunt things. I am writing it to try and force myself to internalize these thoughts that IT’S OK TO BUY THE THINGS I NEED/WANT EVEN IF THEY ARE “EXPENSIVE”. If I can afford to buy the thing at the price it’s listed at, then I should! I don’t HAVE to find a “better deal”, I don’t HAVE to buy secondhand, I don’t HAVE to justify the price. If I need a cabinet I don’t HAVE to go find a $50 one on Craigslist, I can go into a store or buy one online from a retailer. Right?

It’s just that this is how my concept of money and finances and what is “allowed” has worked my entire life. It started with my mother and the fact that literally every piece of clothing I owned was from the clearance rack. Purchasing a shirt at full price? HAH fuck no, go look at the sale rack.

It’s why I feel guilty when I buy a poster or a Hot Toys figure or something completely frivolous EVEN WHEN I HAVE BUDGETED FOR IT because I know they’re expensive, and my brain tells me I am not allowed to buy things that 1) aren’t necessities and 2) aren’t on “sale” or cheap. It doesn’t stop me from spending money on limited edition things — because I know they won’t come around again. But it does stop me from buying expensive yet “common” items like furniture, house items, other necessities like that. It’s why I think of everything I own in bartering terms: how many posters will I need to sell to buy that bookshelf, how many vinyl albums is that couch worth, I just need to sell 2 more things at $X amount to buy the lamp I wanted… 99% of the time I don’t NEED to sell anything to buy the damn lamp, but that’s not how my mind frames it.

I didn’t grow up financially insecure but I was raised as if I was in many ways, and I don’t know to break out of that mindset. Anyone else here know what I’m talking about?

#dear diary #text post #rambling #finances #intergenerational trauma

[mkstrigidae]

Okay so I'm making my way through your masterlist and I'm in love?? Like let's start off with Winter's Child- a masterpiece. You make Sansa a loving and relatable character and interweave the powers into cannon in a way that actually makes cannon make more sense (preconceived biases and such). Jon and Sansa's relationship is SO SWEET and they way they bonded was absolutely adorable (and the backstory with the houses and the powers they have make so much sense) 1/3

(2/3) Neon Rain literally the best Cyberpunk AU! I've ever read. Like what you did with the world building?? The stark class differences (haha see what I did there?), the choices in SOUND, and I could FEEL myself there! I love the family dynamics between the Starks and I'm loving the little details you're dropping with the Greyjoy's , Jon's parentage, and all of the medical procedures. Jon is dramatic af and I love it and Sansa is a bamf AS SHE SHOULD. Nothing but love for this

(3/3) A Past Worth Having has a special place in my heart. You build up this setting like a tapestry, just seeing more richness and depth the longer you look. I'm proud of Sansa for holding her composure, just FEELING in the angst that the older Starks feel at her return, and loving the relationships with Robin and the rest of the Starks + Jon Arryn. The detail that you're putting into the investigation/Oberyn is awe inspiring and I can't wait to see what you do next with the trial + Jonsa

Haha thank you so much!!! This is such a sweet ask to get! My response is under a cut, because this might get kind of long! (lots of my own meta below, bc i accidentally had a lot to say, haha)

With ‘Winter’s Child’ I’ve really enjoyed weaving in fantasy elements to the world because I like to look at stories and pick at loose threads until they unravel and asking ‘what if?’. I thought it would be a super interesting concept to take a character like Sansa, who in ASOIAF is exactly what she is supposed to be as a noblewoman of her class and conforms very well in that role, and put her in a position where she was essentially a societal outcast in a lot of ways! In WC, Sansa has a lot of similar coping mechanisms to ASOIAF Sansa, in that she sort of romanticizes society to avoid thinking about how absolutely awful it is. In ASOIAF, Sansa holds tight to the notion of knights and chivalry and courtly love to cope with the fact that she essentially has no control over her future and, as a woman, is basically property. In WC, I have her really struggling to make herself into that perfect lady and using that as a sort of shield to the fact that, without a gift, there isn’t anything she can do to improve her lot in life. Sansa has these ideas about becoming a perfect lady and hoping that being perfect in other areas will ‘make up’ for what society perceives as deficient about her, but is more jaded than ASOIAF Sansa due to her age and her earlier exposure to the ills of society. So you get a Sansa who gets along better with Arya and Jon as a result, in part because she’s had that exposure to what it’s like to be an outcast in society. I think that the best fantasy has a really strong emotional backdrop (a really great example is ‘Fruits Basket’ which starts by hooking you with this wacky, fun premise about people in a family turning into animals when hugged by a member of the opposite sex, and slowly builds into a point where you can see that the family ‘curse’ is a representation of generational and familial abuse- of bonds that should be broken, and of bonds that may kill us even as we cling to them- it’s extremely complex and rich and if you haven’t read or watched it, I can’t recommend it highly enough), and so while I really love writing about the fantasy aspects, and writing scenes where Sansa does really cool things with her ice powers, the core of the story is really about Sansa coming into her own, and learning that she was a person who was worth something even without any sort of gift. Sort of overcoming societal stigma and realizing your worth and forcing others to see it. It’s so much fun to write, but i’m stuck at the moment, because i need to reread the books, and my roommate is borrowing them right now haha!

God, APWH is like, indulging my inner world-building suspense-narrative loving writer persona. It’s literally my all time favorite trope- which is of someone growing up to find out that they’re a long-lost somebody or have family they never knew about- combined with a lot of research on trauma (which i’ve been doing for academic and other reasons for a while) and a lot of slowly growing psychological horror courtesy of Petyr Baelish (trust me, it’s going to get WAY more intense). There are so many pieces of media that I love, but I think that GRRM has so many characters and such a well fleshed out world that it’s very fun to dive into his worlds and create something there. Inherently, I love a slowly unraveling mystery and morally gray characters, and this is allowing me to indulge in both!!! World-building is my favorite, because i tend to be fairly detail oriented, and i’ve been laying bread crumbs in so many places throughout the story to hopefully build up to a decent conclusion! I know sort of how it ends, and I think people are going to absolutely lose their minds if I execute it correctly. We have a few chapters to go until we get to anything in the semblance of a trial- there’s some more emotional aspects that I think need to get addressed first, and so I’m so grateful that people are so supportive of being willing to wait for the Jonsa, because they really start spending a lot of time with each other during the trial and prior to the trial (i’m a big believer in bonding via long car rides and so there’s a lot of that!). I’m just so humbled and awed by the response to it- I never dreamed that people would enjoy the story this much- when I started it, I was writing a light-hearted family piece that wouldn’t be too long, and, uh, it kind of evolved from there. Clearly, I am not good at keeping things concise haha.

I left Neon Rain for last, because your comments on this one really made me smile! Of all of my stories, oddly enough, Neon Rain is actually the most deeply personal for me, and I’m just so flattered at your kind words! I spend a lot of my time thinking about the flaws inherent in our society, and without getting too detailed, Sansa’s experience with a family member struggling in the medical system is not unfamiliar to me. There’s a weight that comes with the realization that a system that is supposed to care for people is based on capitalistic ideals of profit maximization, and as someone who has experience working in the healthcare system- no matter how bad you think it is in the US, I can promise you it’s actually worse.

Neon Rain actually just started out as a series of mental images from listening to music that I had to get down on paper, and evolved from there. I actually really love the ‘soulmates’ and ‘class differences’ and ‘mastermind art thief’ tropes, but am incapable of writing fun stories without thinking about the reality of those tropes (see APWH for another extreme example of this haha), and so as I was writing and trying to capture this mental image, the rest of the world began unfolding around me. Jon is different because of a different upbringing here, and so is Sansa, and to see the formerly idealistic Sansa become so jaded by the time she meets her soulmate is just catnip for me. You have this interesting dynamic between them, because Jon wants nothing more than to have Sansa in his life, and give her everything she wants and needs, but where the old Sansa (who was arguably middle-class and somewhat naive, as financially secure teenagers understandably tend to be) would have swooned over that, the Sansa who meets Jon when the story begins is seeing the world and all the unfair and unequal systems in it. She can’t just live happily ever after with him right away- there’s a sense of guilt there, of sansa not feeling like she deserves nice things, and there’s also Sansa’s deep sense of compassion and kindness that won’t allow her to just live life as the well taken-care-of girlfriend of a wealthy man, because she isn’t able to just put on blinders and pretend that all the injustice in the world around her doesn’t exist, simply because it wouldn’t affect her that way anymore.

I think that the core to writing Sansa, for me, in any universe, is that she is a kind and compassionate person who is capable of feeling sympathy towards even the people who have done horrific things to her and her family- that emotional awareness and empathy is a harsh thing to have in a world like Neon Rain, and in our own world, honestly. I’m so glad that you appreciate Sansa’s BAMF-ness in the story- I think that her chapters demonstrate that she is capable of doing extraordinary things when she’s doing them for people she cares for, to be kind (The scene where Alayne helps Robin down from the eyrie is most indicative of this I think), and so in this world, I just love having Sansa be a complete badass out of necessity. Also, it’s fanfiction, and I really wanted to give Sansa a cool motorcyle, because no one else was gonna do it!!!

Also, my characters like to run away with me, and before I knew it, Rodrik Greyjoy had a huge adorable crush on Sansa in the story that I immensely enjoy writing. The Greyjoys are fun because they’re all absolutely insane, and i’m a total sucker for ‘gruff dangerous character is completely a sucker for the kind sunshine-y character’ trope.

God, this accidentally got really long??? I’m sorry- thank you so much for such a kind ask!!! I love hearing what people think of my stories, and this was so sweet :)

#my writing #joanofarkansass #ask answers

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

[missfay49]

Sanders Sides Theory 01/15/20

You want a long theory? HERE’s A LONG FREAKIN THEORY.  

To build off an earlier post of mine here, I believe we can reverse engineer the function of the next Side by analyzing the roles of the current known Sides in the context of their correlating sin.  I’ve included some flower meanings based on the shirt release but couldn’t identify them all from the photos available.  Please reach out to me if you have identified all the flowers.

Pride!Logan

Logic / Craves Stability / Reaction to adversity is to Double down

Logan is proud, but not about just anything.  He values intelligence, critical thinking, and the lofty goals of exploration: re: the astronomy class hype, and “what really is at the bottom of the ocean?” He prides himself in being right 100% of the time and utilizes information to do so.  

When he missuses the word “infinitesimal” it is devastating to him.  It is brought up repeatedly in subsequent episodes and culminates in him feeling like one mistake will prevent him from ever being taken seriously again. He hates being wrong, because he believes that if he’s wrong, C!Thomas will literally fail at life, becoming destitute and homeless.  The stakes are real.  

He needs to ensure success, which is why he first pushes C!Thomas to pursue more traditional careers.  His arc is about accepting that success in life can take on different forms.

Sloth!Virgil

Anxiety (Paranoia) / Reaction to adversity is to Give up

Virgil is often seen promoting activities that would be considered lazy, i.e. going back to bed in the middle of the day, staying home when they could go out, doing less work, trying fewer new things.  His makeup is a dramatized symbol for lack of sleep.  There are multiple instances showing him reluctant to spend more time even just in the presence of the other Sides; “Now I’m gonna go be cool, somewhere else.”  Ducking out is the pinnacle of sloth.

But sloth as a behavior is just a symptom of the actual condition: social anxiety and mild paranoia. Check out my short paranoia theory here.  Virgil resorts to inaction as a defense against feeling insecure about something. Wanted to go to that party, but you’re too nervous to talk to new people?  Well, actually, just stay in.  It’s safer and you need your rest.  

That’s why Virgil’s arc is not about finding the motivation to do things; that would only work if laziness was the true problem.  Instead, his arc is about learning to think through fears and overcome them, so C!Thomas can do what he actually wants, which is to be more social.  

Gluttony!Patton

Morality / Flower: Blue Forget-me-not / Craves Community / Reaction to Adversity is to Fake-it-til-you-make-it

Patton is about cravings. Food, pets, friends; he wants it all. He’s about enjoying everything life has to offer, gosh-darn the consequences.  He wants friends so badly he’s consistently willing to sacrifice his own well-being to put them first.  The concept of morality often focuses on giving instead of receiving.  It’s a way to prove to them that he’s a good friend, and therefore worth keeping around.  What seems like sacrifice is actually a careful prioritization of his favorite thing to indulge in: acceptance.  Being happy all the time is not just a show for the other Sides, it’s for C!Thomas’ friends as well.  People don’t want to be around someone who’s sad, right?  Gotta be happy, so they stick around.  

Forget-me-nots are about happy memories and we already know Patton is a sucker for nostalgia.  One of his favorite things are memories, so he goes to extreme lengths to make lots of good memories with his friends.  Patton’s arc will ultimately be Not about diminishing his craving for friendship but realizing that he can be his most authentic self without losing them.  He can loosen the rules that he internalized.  Real friendship does not require perfection.  

Greed!Deceit

Self-Preservation / Flower: Yellow Sunflower / Reaction to adversity is Sowing Discord

Deceit, like Logan, is also focused on C!Thomas’ success.  The difference is, he could not care less what that success looks like, only that C!Thomas gets it.  Where Logan is all about careful planning and preparedness, Deceit is about taking risks and seizing opportunities.  How can C!Thomas get the most out of life?  No, don’t worry about other people.  There is only C!Thomas.  

Deceit’s objective is to eliminate the consequences of C!Thomas’ mistakes and increase the rewards for his effort.  He will do whatever it takes, whether that’s coaching C!Thomas to lie to others, or to be more honest with himself.  His stance is that since our society is built on lies, we should be willing to use lies to navigate it.  Deceit believes that if C!Thomas is honest to himself about what he wants, he’ll pursue it even at the risk of losing people along the way.  Simply put, Deceit must learn that no one makes it alone.  The sunflower symbolizes false riches, and this explains why Deceit’s assumption is wrong.  We all depend on others to reach our full potential, and a world where C!Thomas has gained everything by discarding or disadvantaging others is one C!Thomas wouldn’t want to live in.  It’s more difficult, but it’s worth it in the end to work with other people instead of around them.  

Lust!Roman

Creativity / Flower: Red Rose / Reaction to adversity is Denial

It’s easy to see that Roman is all about finding that special someone.  Red roses symbolize love.  He’s dashing, brave, and often combats mythical creatures, not for fun (although it is fun), but to prove his manliness to a potential mate!  But this Side is actually one of the most complicated. He believes himself to be the most handsome Side, and he better be, because it is his duty to secure the end-all-be-all of C!Thomas’ life: romantic love.  Someone to spend your life with, grow old with.  The initial conflict between Roman and Anxiety is entirely because having Anxiety around would theoretically lower his chances of securing a relationship.  Once he saw that Anxiety could do what needed to be done in “Accepting Anxiety”, he was able to let go of that worry.

But remember, Roman is also about Self-Love.  The creativity that he pumps out isn’t art for art’s sake; it’s to bring himself joy and to fill that hole in his heart with some kind of excitement.  If he can’t throw all his passion at a person, he’ll throw it onto the stage.  That’s why each time his work is criticized, he’s confronted with the fear that it’s all just a distraction anyway.  Yes, he is objectively good at acting and enjoys it, but part of C!Thomas uses all these creative projects to feel something he isn’t getting anywhere else.

The Roman angst dates aaaall the way back to the Valentine’s Day Episode, wherein C!Thomas decided that platonic love was important to acknowledge, too.  Roman had already stated in the first episode that he would focus on loving himself.  But maybe on that particular Valentine’s day, C!Thomas stopped trying so hard to find romance.  Maybe he fell back on what he already had, the love of his friends, and thought to himself, this could be enough.  And each time an opportunity to feel true passion comes up again, C!Thomas rejects it. First when trying to rekindle things with the ex-boyfriend, then with the big call-back.  C!Thomas is putting his love life on hold to deal with other things right now, and it’s wearing on Roman.  

The worst part is that it’s entirely possible, maybe even likely, that Roman (and therefore C!Thomas) isn’t sure what will happen once he’s found someone.  RE: Episode #1 – his greatest fear is rejection.  

In “Am I Original?” C!Thomas states that if he only ever listened to Roman, he would be setting himself up for heartbreak.  That’s why Roman makes the final ruling in the court room.  That’s why he quietly accepts it every time they make a decision away from love (with impromptu exceptions – “PICK IT UP!”).  He both wants and fears love at the same time.  Roman’s arc isn’t really about what he needs to do differently, but about what C!Thomas needs to let him do for himself.  His stories aren’t about him getting his way and then finding out he took it too far. They’re about him not getting anything at all.  Once he gets the green light from C!Thomas, he will do what he’s always done; Throw caution to the wind in the pursuit of love.  

Envy!Remus

Creativity / Flower: Green Dahlia / Reaction to adversity is Acting out for Attention

All the “Dark” Sides were pushed away for one reason or another, but it seems to hit Remus particularly hard.  It’s not fair that his brother should be chosen over him.  He considers himself not even just as good as Roman, but in many ways better at being creative!  His range is limitless, and he is confident in his abilities, unlike his brother.  He should be the main Creativity, not that crybaby!  

Remus tries over and over again to make C!Thomas notice him.  He gives everything he’s got into each new idea, hoping that this one will be ‘the one’ to earn him C!Thomas’ recognition, but it never does.  Remus embodies envy.  It is his driving force; ALL he wants is consideration for his ideas.  

Since Remus feels envious, C!Thomas does too.  If Remus wants to reach new heights of fame, so must C!Thomas!  From Remus’ standpoint, Roman isn’t getting the job done, so he’ll just have to keep throwing idea-after-horrifying-idea at C!Thomas until he gets through to the man.  

Wrath!X?

Now for the hard part: figuring out what’s missing.  (You can check out my earlier Anger Theory here.)

Let’s summarize how the other Sides use their traits real quick:

Logan is proud of his intelligence that he uses to gain financial security.

Virgil is slothful as a result of his desire to feel safe.

Patton is gluttonous as the result of his goal to make C!Thomas feel happiness and enjoy life in the moment.

Deceit is greedy as a result of his goal to help C!Thomas navigate this world and come out on top.

Roman is lustful as a result of his goal to secure a loving, stable relationship for C!Thomas.

Remus is envious as a result of his goal to get C!Thomas to make a lasting mark on the world like so many have before.

For most of the Sides, the sin is directly related to the Sides’ function.  It’s their method of achieving their goals.  But there appears to be an outlier.  Logan seems different.  He doesn’t need to be proud in order to be intelligent, at least on the surface.  But, maybe that’s not true.  Maybe if he didn’t feel proud when he learned new things, he would have no motivation to seek out information in the first place.  Therefore, pride is essential to Logan’s function.  

All the Sides rely on their sin to accomplish their goals.  They first have a goal, a job that they are supposed to complete for C!Thomas.  Then, the sin is their method of executing that job.  The function of the Side comes before the sin.  

So, if wrath is the means, what is the goal?  What does C!Thomas need to be angry about in order to accomplish it?

What are all the instances where we see C!Thomas (not the individual Sides) get mad, even a little?

TOAwLS - C!Thomas gets frustrated with Anxiety popping up even when nothing’s wrong.

TMvTH - C!Thomas gets mad at Logan and Patton for pelting him with conflicting goals.

GU - C!Thomas acts mad at Patton for dreaming too much, but really, he’s lashing out at Patton because the others are pushing him too far in the other direction.  

MOP2 - C!Thomas rudely disregards Logan for disrupting nostalgia-time.

SVS - C!Thomas gets mad at himself for considering lying to his friends.

If we’re being honest, this is a short list, and some of these don’t even really qualify as anger.  He’s more just kind of experiencing frustration as he works through things.  The most angry he gets is when it affects real people in his life; Lee and Mary Lee’s wedding.  He feels terrible about it, but he’s angry for two reasons here.  First, that the scheduling conflict even exists, because it’s denying him an important opportunity.  Second, because the situation caused him to confront a truth about himself that he’s never been comfortable with.

But we have one more example to work with; the Aside.  In ATHD? - C!Thomas got mad at Rico for past feelings that weren’t even specifically against C!Thomas.  We don’t see it, but we see the effects.  C!Thomas is so angry with himself for lashing out, and it tells us that he’s had a lot of anger before that he never released.  Anger about being in the closet when he was younger.  There are plenty of hints in the episode on this theme:

Roman calls C!Thomas a snowflake.

This shot from the movie: “You must learn to control it.  Fear will be your enemy.”

And most importantly, the lines “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see”.  Patton did purposely sing those lines of the Frozen song “Let it go”, which has often been correlated to coming out of the closet, because that was directly tied to the theme of the premier Aside.  

C!Thomas had so conditioned himself to defend his sexuality that even the mention of past prejudice was enough to set him off, causing him to overreact in the situation with Rico. He was transported back to a time when he was still closeted, afraid to come out because of people like Rico’s younger self.  Now that he’s older, he feels anger toward the people he knew back then, and he took that anger out on Rico.  

Let’s take a step back for a second.  What is C!Thomas’ ultimate goal for himself?  Balance. And what is C!Thomas’ ultimate goal for others?  Love and understanding.

C!Thomas got as angry as he did because this isn’t just about him anymore.  The prejudice that he remembered and was reacting to is something that people continue to face all the time.  As much as he struggled, he’s empathetic enough to know that others must be struggling, too, and his anger at Rico was actually anger at prejudice.  

When the last Side is revealed, it will signal that the arc is closing and the series will eventually be coming to an end.  Will the series have made its mark?  Way back in IIADS!!, Anxiety unintentionally suggested, “using your platform to positively affect your audience the same way Disney did with you”  It’s not just about C!Thomas anymore.  It’s about you.  Us.  

The biggest effect C!Thomas could have on his audience is self-actualization; becoming the most he can be and doing the most good for others that he possibly can.  Prejudice is an issue that has personally affected him and clearly affects his audience.  Fighting prejudice is a cause worth getting angry about, WORTH showing a little wrath.

Logan and Virgil have affected how C!Thomas takes in information.  Deceit and Patton affect how he moves through that world.  Roman and Remus affect how he wants his work to be seen on a personal level.  But Wrath will be how C!Thomas affects the world at large.  Wrath will lead the charge for affecting real change.  Wrath will close out the series and launch a generation of inspired viewers to go out into their own worlds and fight for their freedoms.  Wrath will be our hero.

~

Thanks so much for reading! This has gone on long enough, so I’m adding some bonus theories in the links below tomorrow with other things I noticed during the research for this post.  Hope you enjoyed it!

Bonus Theory now here!

Bonus BONUS Theory now here!

#sanders sides theory #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #deceit sanders #romans sanders #remus sanders #orange sanders #pride!logan #sloth!virgil #gluttony!patton #greed!deceit #lust!roman #envy!remus #wrath!orange #01/15/20 #i've been working on this for over a month #such relief #wow

[rabbitindisguise]

oooo my phone died, killing the possibility of me doing my Daily Assigned Task (I only have one because aside from staying afloat with food and stuff that’s all my brain can cognitively handle. Yes, I also do this doing the school year. Yes, I know that sounds absolutely bonkers) right this moment so while I have my boredom captive in this textpost, let’s ruminate over the nature of humanity some more ignore me I’m talking to myself 

it is also very extremely weird and by “very” I mean “not at all” and “extremely” I mean “minimally, if anything, actually not super weird in any of the senses of the word” and weird still just means weird because otherwise the previous things I just said would no longer be accurate BUT

let’s just say it’s totally expected 

that people find These Weird Things That I Do generally, absolutely fascinating in fiction. Like, my original works for example are steeped in weirdness. Rolling with abnormalities. Boiling with oddity. And so on. And I don’t pull this out of my ass! Oh no. This is all like . . . gosh, inspired stuff. From things I saw and liked and felt reflected my very soul in fiction. 

But they’re totally hated in meatspace 

I wonder 

Anyway, it’s also really strange to see posts about this Weird Things That People Do on tumblr and to read people complimenting them and to feel a warm glow of pleasant optimism about the state of humanity, and hear the very same audience of tumblr people absolutely go nuts over the strangest bullshit I have ever seen or heard or conceived of in my entire life. Like I get weirdly tense and fraught subjects. I get really tense and pissy if someone headcanons a character as binary trans when I headcanon them as non-binary when I’m a nb trans it literally doesn’t matter aside from my emotional attachment to the concept. I’m not proud of it! But I get it, is my point. I understand. It makes sense to me. 

But what just doesn’t quite click, doesn’t snap into the convoluted logic of my brain meats, is HOW exactly SO MANY people have the same weird gripes of this obscure stuff that should be totally okay if people are accepting the activist principles of ableism as nonsense and weirdness not being bad. Many others who are probably smart have said it is simply, nay, merely hypocrisy and I’ve met a human or two in my time alive, I can see the potential for that sort of thing to happen. However, considering that Herd Mentality is what it is, I don’t think it’s possible that the plague is actually “being widely inconsistent in the execution of your beliefs to fit in to society” when that’s so stigmatized but actually that being angry about the same things is good for some reason. 

This is important! It’s important because Reasons. Because if you say “hypocrite!” when there’s a fire, I don’t think anyone will understand or listen to the concern. If the answer is anything but hypocrisy, talking about it generally pisses people off and makes them yell at you- a near identical response of an actual hypocrite, confusing everyone further. So I don’t think it’s unfair to talk about hypocrisy, of course not, there is nothing I enjoy more than finding logical inconsistencies because it means the world can be improved etc etc that’s not the problem. The problem is most definitely that if the problem isn’t even hypocrisy than the solution isn’t the solution to hypocrisy.   

If my theory is right, or semi-right, or at least not wrong, then approaching a bunch of people yelling about a thing to encourage others to yell in tandem is not going to be won by yelling something opposing to that, especially if it makes them angrier and also makes them feel wronged. Instead, calmly being like “nah, dude, I don’t feel the same way, but it’s chill” is way better. Not only because it makes them look ridiculous for having an out of proportion reaction to someone being weird in public (the horror, whatever shall we do about ~being weird~ and doing it ~in public~) but there’s no defensive position to get on. There is no “debate tactics” to use. There’s absolutely not a disagreement about ableism or politics or intersectionality. Rather, it uplifts a contrary option that is confident and secure and this is exactly the same rhetorical device that Centrists or whatever they’re called, use all the damn time. People have talked At Length about jeez, idk, it being exhausting to constantly talk to a person that’s not as invested and doesn’t see it as the Serious Issue It Is- but from the perspective of when they’re actually talking about serious issues, rather than complaining that someone referenced a tumblr meme in public or plays mc and oh, no, how cringey 

This is of course blatant emotional manipulation but as the fairness complaint generally goes, they did it first. Multiple people weighing in on a topic with angry voices telling someone not to do something doesn’t work because they have secret actual good reasons and that shines through, it’s because there’s a number of angry people and they’re trying to subdue someone’s Weird with force. Emotional force, but there’s nothing about consent involved in this exchange. No personal boundaries. Shame is a mode of control. Power, even. Which is why I hate those second hand embarrassment fics and avoid them like the plague because it’s icky to me and makes me feel gross and I guess one of my personal triggers is someone feeling bad for doing something Shameful in public 

Which brings me to Weird Humanity Musings part II (III? I can’t do math) that have taken a weird non-activist and highly personal turn for the worst: 

I don’t think people notice how often emotional manipulation plays a part in subtle power plays that go on in human interactions every day. Humanity made dominance ffs. Humans are the ones that get upset and feel challenged with eye contact- not dogs. Dogs use sustained eye contact all the time for a bunch of reasons. Humans too. But it’s humans that recontextualized that behavior as exclusively dominance, a wholly human concept, and, whatever I’m not going to spend too much time on this because I don’t actually particularly care about it. But the point is actually just that humans went out of their way to create this thing, and it plays a part in social interactions. Mothers and daughters and siblings and friends all have scripts of code that basically go for the emotional center of the other person to get them to obey. Most people can’t recognize it because society has that whole “if everyone does it THIS must be the baseline of normal” be as well All Know, normal doesn’t even exist so that reaction is bullshit before it’s even analyzed in any meaningful sense. 

Example time because I highly doubt I can just say that off the cuff and actually get people to follow that train of thought to completion (unfortunately, I’d rather not have to write this post at all because it means one less problem in the world and that’s a good thing). 

Anytime someone says “I’m your mother!” it’s to reinforce the authority of the child that this person probably have financial, social, physical (such a medical) and emotional control over for almost two decades of their life, or however much it actually was. This is often used to make the child of the mother Do Something, like maybe they’re questioning her judgement or smth I don’t know I get this one a lot and it’s lost all meaning to me by now 

Whenever someone says “thank you” it generally plays into the social script where they do the whole dance of “I got this service from you, I say thanks, you say you’re welcome.” This works as a subtle manipulation (not necessarily negative! these examples aren’t Get Mad and Force Conformity examples, just How It Works examples) when someone doesn’t feel like they’ve done something for someone else, so saying “thanks” shows appreciation for the effort and can force an acknowledgement of that effort by expecting a “your welcome” or “no problem” from the other person. This gets shitty and creepy when someone doesn’t take silence aka “I’m not doing the dance because I don’t agree” to a degree where they’re like “oh? are you not going to say you’re welcome?” aka are you gonna be a conceited shithead that thinks they’re better than saying “you’re welcome” the most common social nicety that supposedly always costs nothing? Which does nothing to make the person to feel better and everything to leverage the situation and make them preform social interaction for the other person’s amusement. 

“Good morning” is another example. It doesn’t actually matter if the morning is good or not, but it establishes rapport and focuses on the positives- one of those things called “small talk.” (Never heard of her.) This is something someone can actually observe better at the cultural level- someone says “good morning” in english, in another language they say something else. Both show ideological underlying beliefs of the culture Because That’s How Culture And Language Work because it’s a sneaky not-liar that can’t hide its true feelings about things. 

I’m not actually all that good with the line between “what is acceptable emotional manipulation in a social context when the fundamentals of the english language rely on subtle power exchange to function [and holy shit would some people hate knowing That] and the unacceptable abusive emotional manipulation” and I generally err on the side of stuff that people seem to be explicitly asking for and prompting but I don’t always succeed and I don’t know that I’m doing the best method but that’s the most chaotic good thing I could come up with  

But it still remains that calling things emotional manipulation is both true and a misnomer because in some ways, they’re necessary to exist in society without being considered a jackass (as a self proclaimed “I was called a jackass using many different words that all basically mean jackass” that mostly doesn’t participate in these social nicety dances because I don’t like my brain yelling at me that I’m doing the same bullshit I hated as a Youth and I don’t like disappointing myself) and in others, they’re totally unneeded and artlessly cruel. I mean, heck, going through this internal debate every time someone says “good morning?” Who does that? (I do. This is why people think I’m a dumbass lmao. Jokes on them unfortunately,) 

Regardless of what people actually DO about it though, these things are the underlying mechanics of how emotional manipulation works. It’s a concoction of societal expectations, situational contexts, personal histories, selective pressures, and a bunch of other things in smaller amounts. Most of the time it’s “normal” social stuff but with a ton of exaggerated features (I almost used my own handle from a different Social Media and that my friends is having a lot of issues and self hatred due to abuse! and also anxieties over becoming abusive ofc but who doesn’t have those these days). Which is why I think it’s so important that it’s expansively defined so much because otherwise people are really thickheaded about emotional abuse specifically. They think it’s impossible to do in some cases and in others, think it’s exclusively the realm of insults and humiliation. 

Those exaggerate features are even harder to spot if someone doesn’t even recognize the interpersonal dynamics of language in the first place. It all just becomes nonsensical and no one can tell what came from where or what this particular question is abusive and not this other one. The logic gets poked with holes easier and abuse survivors get dismissed. 

Of course, expanding that definition to reshape thinking might just go along the same direction as representation, where even alluding to the truly abusive mechanics of actual, you know, emotional abuse, is seen as abusive. Everything, literally, would become problematic. There could be callout posts about any human interaction in any context with anyone ever. I’m confident in holding myself to a higher standard than the rest of society but I Cannot overstate that being bullshit to the nth degree that I couldn’t even put up with myself telling myself to keep to it as a standard. It just doesn’t work. I’ve tried it. That way lies the nonsense form of madness as in the non-nd kind. That, along with purity culture and censorship and doxxing and death threats and so on: I don’t fully want to release this theory out into the world in practice because I’m afraid society will just use it as fodder to be cruel to people but I’m also equally afraid that not saying anything will just cause people to, I don’t know, keep accidentally causing suffering to others. So I’ll stuff it under a read more and hope that keeps the impact minimal but not non-existent. 

But yeah this whole post is a demonstration that just because someone’s behaving weirdly doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re bad people. Even if they do something that seems downright mean. I read a post that was basically “there’s no such thing as asshole disorder” but there really is, and it’s whatever I have. I get so compelled to Do the right thing by my ethics and morals that I go through above *gestures* and take longer than neurotypicals do to respond to “good morning” and I don’t mean anything by it so I assume that people can tell because I assume the best in others, and others are free to assume the worst in me so they do. 

I’m not upset by it but I also wish that there were a better system to screen assholes than assuming that non-compliance with normality is a sign of evil, because that’s the system we seem to have. It might have a high reward in the brain via confirmation biases and whatnot, but that doesn’t seem worth the risk of basically knocking down any and every mental illness symptom that’s unpalatable. Because they’re all unpalatable to someone, somewhere. That’s what makes them symptoms. We don’t have any “glowing green hair” as symptoms because that’s just sick as fuck and I want some. People who have working with their symptoms and turned them into something beneficial have largely challenged societal ideas about what is “good” and “natural” to get there, and that type of work isn’t someone everyone is cut out for. 

Many physically disabled people are all medical model, all the way because they’ve been largely neurotypical their whole lives, and I’ve read their grieving posts like people recommend that I read and I just don’t see how I can help them empathize with me as a person that doesn’t give a shit if my clicking pen annoys people if it helps me focus. That’s an Asshole move if any has ever be determined by society, but at the same time, a common fundamental symptom of many disorders, and as such, I don’t feel bad about it and I don’t know that I could, ever, be made to feel guilty for existing. I’ve never seen myself as a drain on society. I’ve never felt like a freeloader. And I’ll never feel bad for being disable or neurodivergent. Does that make me the bad guy? Or the weird cool antihero from fiction? My impulse is to say “yes” to both ‘cause what people like in fiction is not always what they tolerate in real life 

It’s kinda weird and paradoxical that I can feel bad about not feeling bad but not feel bad about being disabled at the same time but w/e I’m an abuse survivor we, collectively, excel at stuff and things that most people may not understand so I guess that’s all the explanation I need 

#abuse #I'm laughing this is so long #I have this many thoughts in like actual conversations #my hands can't type fast enough and I end up deleting half the things I say because the time has passed #from which it would made sense to say them #anyway the long and short of this is: a complex analysis of why I agree largely with the criticisms I recieve #but not with their reasons #usually people mistake my mental illness as me being a bad person #and me being a bad person as me being a good person #do you see #the existential crisis #when I do things I know are unethical I get praise and approval for being neurotypical #because it's expected as normal behavior #while when I don't do it as the most neurotypical thing ever #which is like caring about other people and vying for their approval like the needy bastard that I am #then I'm weird!! #also I don't think I'm an asshole because that need some measure of conscious effort and thought #abuse doesn't need to be intentional #the only mean things I've ever done are generally in a self defense context #and vastly underwhelm in comparison to the other stuff that incited it #on purpose any way #the less on purpose stuff happens all the time and I hate it and I just want five minutes of #I don't know rewind and replay #so I can stop myself from saying and doing things #instead I have to move through life as a snails pace triple thinking things over and forgetting what I was thinking of and remembering #and starting over #jeez I'm tired just thinking of it #I got all burnt out last semester and I kept saying and doing rookie ass mistakes and getting overstimulated in public #which is probably the nail in the coffin and why I'm going to be filing for ssi #I've come to the decision with a mix of perpetual anxiety and hope that maybe

[alchemisland]

Moors Mutt - Rambles in Eden (excerpt)

Another large chunk of the new Moors Mutt chapter to whet your appetite. Excuse any minor errors, they'll be mercilessly culled before she goes Wattpad live. Enjoy, you sick fucks.

IV. Rambles in Eden

At sunrise we departed, tramping toward a horizon aflame. Great greenery stretched as a carpet for our tread. Dawn's jewels, the stars of morning which are night's silver sisters, sundered underfoot. Leaves crunched, brittle things long past season returning to aether.

In the shadow of his hovel, I saw he had set plates of milk and egg in humble deference to the fae folk said to inhabit the ancient tombs and mounds of the Isles. A race, it was said, of otherworldy beings driven beneath the furrows as the plague of mankind spread, its boils gaping swordwounds, always fatal. Sperrin and surrounding holds were made immune to degeneracy by hard-headedness. Thackeray's 'Sketchbook 1842' soaked thusly on the practice; "Crude as their barn religion seemed to the imperial beholder, there is yet intricacy in their practices and archaic wisdom therein. If a faith's claim to true institutional status is the number of its adherents, there are yet more worshippers here in these bog towns and stone deserts, who bear saints names, than ever had Patrick driven toward the cliffs and below the ravenous tides fizzing like musket charges." I pondered briefly the egg dish, Thackeray had made no mention, while Fergus lifted a knee, the rusted joint of waking Talos, then swung the dangling appendage in a cumbersome fashion to shift a scarred moggy.

Lar seemed smaller inside. The bar frame served to deemphasize his ample stature, a kingly six foot one or two stood stock straight; more kingdom keep than tavern, and a fur mantle he wore over his coat most Heraclean.

He took great stomping strides, as in a childhood tale my mother fireside imparted of a giant who wore seven league boots. His ever-bailed fists hung like cudgels at his side, never stumped for purpose.

In his great shadow, one felt gratitude for civilisation. A concept which, for men like Lar, was voluntary. A hardy buck like him allowed us lilluputians exist. Every second a short man like me spent not being torn limb from limb by a man like him was a second lived by his decree.

'Lar, let me ask you something. In the house yesterday I found a bill of sale for an old church somewhere in the demesne. Do you know it?' I asked.

'Know it? Took first communion there. As did he.' Lar nodded toward Fergus who jostled delightedly, pulling the second of three bags across his vast flank. 'Everyone did, before she got her claws in.'

'You're joking? I didn't think to ask last night, I thought you wouldn't be interested.' I couldn't believe my luck. I need only hide the means by which the knowledge was gained, lest I trigger supernatural anxieties both doubtlessly held. No, it's all well in the Adelphi bubbling hookahs and talking about dreamlands, but that talk doesn't go for much around here. 'This is fortuitous. Oh, lash me for assuming. What age were you when the church closed?'

'After my first communion.' Lar answered curtly, but I sensed a question within.

'I'm not Roman Catholic. Happy now? My father was a man of private faith. Distrustful of institutions, he encouraged us, and others, to think for ourselves and not puzzle over mysteries of man's making.'

'That explains a lot.' said Lar, papist to the root.

'I'm no heathen. I know my bible well as any bishop. Like I said, he was a man of strong individual faith. Had plans for the priesthood once. Even unfulfilled, it's a noble ambition. Does that satisfy your piety?'

'What stopped him?' said Lar, speaking to indicate he was most unsatisfied. I saw glinting around his neck a pendant freshly-clad, its chain lightly linked, an effigy of holy Saint Anthony sun-crowned acentre against a gold rondure; a talisman he had doubtless proffered from its hallowed coffer hidden in the rafters, in hopes of warding away eidolons stirring from hades at our brazen charge.

I shrugged my shoulders, 'Insitutions?' I said without confidence, 'He didn't talk about it. So, enlighten me if you will Padre, what age is communion? Twelve - or is that Consternation?'

'It's Confirmation.' said Lar through gritted teeth. 'Communion is the unleavened bread. Usually the ceremony takes place when the child is seven years old, least that's what age I was.'

'Right. And Lady Sizemore, you would not deny she was a woman of means?'

Lar scoffed, loosening phlegm. 'I would not.'

'I had presumed so. Her estate is vast, her house lavish, its contents irreplaceable, its memories priceless, but she was not ostentatious in herself. Lar, I know we're out for the beast and don't worry, I still intend keeping up with the thing, but my heart is really set on figuring this thing about. See, I have had cause to see her financial records, public and private. Aside from maintenance costs and the occasion queenly feast, she seemed positively a pincher of pennys, a scrimper.' When our eyes met Lar squinted suspiciously, waiting for more. 'I mean to say Lady Sizemore seemed modest despite her earnings, yet enormous costs were incurred purchasing the church and moving the cairn. I want to know why its so special.'

'You'll soon find out; Talbot Church is our current destination.' said Lar, looking more than pleased with himself, and I bailed a fist and considered delivering my literal interpretation of someone being pleased as punch. How much I wanted to know, how much he did not say, it drove me mad. Still, I was delighted. It seemed I would know soon why I was chosen to receive this particular vision, of the old church, the young priest and the stone, oldest still.

'Truly? An angel. Art thou an angel? Thou art, truly. Who else so cherubim in cheek and lobe!' I nearly clicked my heels. 'How serendipitous I should inquire. Let me ask another question; what's there now?' We had slowed now, each of us, in anticipation of local colour. If trips to the outdoors had a purpose, twas this, tramping blind and giving life again to what has passed, and perhaps in gratitude if a higher place exists than this, they dead will bid us good fortune.'

'Nothing much anymore. There's been a church on that ground since before any Bishop in Rome ever lied. The first Christians arrived, little more than farmers turned missionaries, armed with twisted staves. Stone by stone they built a home for their desert god. The Gods of ancient Albion were not of the sun, blithe were they to effulgence. Came they from beneath the clod where the snake weeds grow. Slithered out from the eel bores and swam the narrow estuaries like boneless longships. Their worshippers were dark and twisted as their idols, taking every chance to spurn the advances of the interlopers, but such savagery cannot be upheld. Hate is not enough. Hate is the infernal speed, the thud of knuckles, the thunder at the antler crash of rutting stags, but it is a fickle thing, a false security, sapping and parasitic. By generations, these savage men became curious. They had killed so many, sundered their doings and mocked their skygod, yet still the missionaries adhered to his tenets. Perhaps, they thought, this God is some powerful thing. And with that, the spell of the old ways was broken. Already as the tribesmen made their first ginger steps up the slopes, the slopes we ourselves will ascend, the suckered whips and shadowed protrusions of the old ones retracted to the otherworld, down into the deep dells and dark delvings and the dwindling darks of earth. Came they curious and unarmed, bid the missionaries impart this wisdom worth dying for, worth suffering for. This site was not alone chosen for its useful vantage and strategic defensive position. The arriving zealots had observed natives worshipping standing stones, more ancient than the predeluvian cultures of hyborea and Tartaria. Such megaliths were known to hold great arcane power. The priests need only convince the tribes that power was theirs, a demonstration of their gospels infallibility, done easily within a generation. Priests controlled education, taste, oversaw cultural changes, discarded blasphemous and mysterious rites. Soon, the brood knew nothing of the traditions held by their forbears, and epoch of strife began.'

'Ah. So the priests came, withstood the assault and incorporated the existing idols into their own pantheon? How cunning, deceitful and a tragedy I should say too.'

'All-seeing though their God was, people will always do as they please. The old ways survive unchanged, even to this day the older townsfolk meet for the mysteries. When Fergus and I were bairns enormous crowds travelled from far afield to celebrate the imbolc, until she rooted out the cairn and left the church to rack and ruin. It shouldn't have been allowed.' Lar nodded, the ire of its sundering still upon him fresh, running like new fire in his veins and I saw with each clumping step he drove the point of his boot into the softening ground, like a knight's lance in a fallen pikeman's back, spending his annoyance in this manner.

When I saw his shoulders raise with tension lifted and gait restored, I probed further. 'Do you know the priest?'

'Er - yes. Tarbuck I think his name was.'

'What about Talbot - as in Talbot Church?'

Lar raised a suspicious brow, like a furtive otter arching from the swell, they were thin, brown and sleek, I'd say manicured if I did not know him better, but I suppose I did not know him well at all. His mouth began to turn and I watched him instead of speaking, trying to clear my mind in anticipation of inquest. At last he spoke in words most considered, rising to be heard over Fergus hyucking. 'Yes I suppose that sounds right. Talbot. Couldn't tell you more than that. Why are you asking if you already know? Consider that my question. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're withholding information, partner.'

'You wouldn't believe me if I told you.' What could I tell him? That I had seen a faceless priest with mucky vestments out for a midnight walk? Where did I see him? Funny you should ask, in bed. In bed? Well, yes. I was in bed, but my mind was to the church called be the peal of silent bells. No, it was best to withhold until I know more, and still all this time there was the beast out there somewhere, presumably furious at being picked second.

I was met with silence. More space came between us. Knowing Lar and Fergus would soon disappear from sight, I was forced to shout over the wind, 'Why did she move the Cairn?'

Lar shrugged again. True to his word, he could not tell me more than that. 'Winter.'

I had thought much since waking from the strange dream, about the church and lady Sizemore, about the familiar priest and the sympathetic plight implied in his step and dimmed blue eyes. I had forgotten much of the dream's stark imagery. Only this impression of the man and his spade daubed in clay burying his secrets remained. I found most curious the relocation of the cairn. Lar had not seemed confident in imparting the true reason for its transfer, that Lady Sizemore was told the house wouldn't stand another winter despite having done so two hundred years; to me, that seemed a spurious motive and something worth inquiry.

#Fiction #Dark fiction #Writers #Irish writers #Irish fiction #Irish writing #Horror #Writeblr #Spilled ink #Wattpad #Horror stories #Excerpt #WIP

[eligrantbooks]

gotta vent about my day real quick

highlights of the day

> be professional ghostwriter.

Agreed to edit a 25000 word segment of a finished manuscript for a much loved regular client, who said the MC’s dialogue needed to be punched up. Easy enough. I figured it would take a few hours.

Was briefly excited to discover the manuscript was for a concept I had outlined and written several chapters for a few months ago.

Excitement rapidly dwindles as I realize that beloved client has hired another ghostwriter to write the majority of the book. Which would be fine, except this other ghostwriter has no fucking idea what they are doing.

Formatting is a god damn disaster and I spend several hours just getting the document into a workable condition.

You ever open a word doc, look at the navigation pane, and just see a wall of blank links, because someone applied the header formatting somewhere and then just hit enter a million times instead of using a page break like a civilized god damn human being?

in the middle of this forest of blank headers, actual chapter titles are scattered at random, and also they only applied the header to roughly one out of every five chapters or so, you know, just, when they felt like it. when the spirit took them. when the stars aligned. when the feng shui was right.

Also, apparently they like the way first line indenting looks but don’t know how to make word do that (spoiler: its easy as shit and takes like two clicks) so every once in a while they start manually hitting tab before every line, until they get distracted and stop for a while, luring you into a false sense of security before they remember and start doing it again.

Sometimes, when a scene transitions but they dont want to just end the chapter for some reason, they break it up with spaces. Other times, they like to use asterisks. Once or twice, just for flavor, they throw in one of those page width lines that word makes when you type a line of hyphens.

There is random highlighting in places, for no discernible reason.

Once I have the document formatted in a way I can bear to work with, I start actually reading through it. About the first seven chapters were written by the client. They’re cheesy but solid.

Then I get to chapter eight, and the suspicions i had begun to form while putting the formatting through traction (namely that whoever did this was a fuckwit) quickly crystallized into a shining certainty that my beloved client had mistakenly hired An Ass Clown.

Not just An Ass Clown, but An Ass Clown who thought 50 Shades was a beautiful love story, actually.

And they gave This Ass Clown, this literary reprobate, this paste eating remedial english mother fucker, my outline.

let me clarify that i did not expect to have sole control of this story when i produced the outline for beloved client, and I was okay with that. That’s how it works. If I’d been dead set on writing this myself, i wouldn’t have sold the outilne to beloved client. but it really rubs salt in the wound to have spent hours of my life crafting the bones of this story, which i really liked and was excited to see take shape

and then find out it has been put into the pie fondling hands

of An Ass Clown.

first hint that something has gone drastically wrong: the arrival of completely unnecessary and ridiculous fantasy names for things.

“oh we dont drink coffee in this book. it’s kofee. at least until three chapters from now when i forget and it becomes kofe. Oh, and watch out for those thornaby bushes! I’m going to misspell that one literally every time I use it! It’s entirely possible that this isn’t a fantasy name at all and I just have a small seizure whenever I try to type the word thorn bush!”

second omen of my impending anuerism: phonetically written accents which are so comically stereotypical and inaccurate that native speakers of that accent should be entitled to financial compensation, except they can’t even stick to the stereotype accurately, producing gems such as  “It’s not safe in that there pen with ‘em swine, young miss.” I don’t even know what accent that’s supposed to represent. To top it off these accent abominations are sprinkled in with all the consistency and reliability of a lactose intolerant cheese enthusiast’s bowel movements.

But this, I tell myself, moving on, is not my problem. I just need to punch up the mcs dialogue. It’ll be fine. I can do this. I just need to take this shit: “A fond idea, but I doubt I have that ability.” I joked. “I can’t imagine living without true sunshine. Even the triplet moons must shine less brightly without their sister sun.” and make it… not like that.

Except, and here’s where I start hitting the real roadblock guys

this book is in first person.

essentially, the entire novel is the MC talking.

So sure I can change the spoken lines, but her internal monologue

which is, i remind you, the entire narrative

her internal monologue is going to keep being maggie gyllenhal’s character from The Secretary if her copy of the script had been swapped with just a binder full of sonnets written by a middle school english class during the Shakespeare unit.

I get to chapter ten around three in the afternoon. I have been working steadily, with an unusual degree of focus thanks to my recent adderal prescription, since ten in the morning.

this is where shit begins to go truly bananas.

this is a YA beauty and the beast type fantasy

that good fun indulgent shit that’s almost as enjoyable to write as it is to read

usually. previously. before i had to endure this traumatic twelve hour experience.

Chapter ten is the first big “dinner” scene. this book isn’t being shy about pulling from the source material, but that’s fine. the beast “apologizes” (heavy quotes there) for having earlier used magic to force the heroine to answer his questions truthfully. They talk and almost seem to making progress for a bit, and then have a fight and storm off. Standard stuff.

Except, uh, the beast’s apology is, essentially “Yeah I shouldn’t have done that.” “so you’re apologizing?” “no but it’s the best you’re going to get so deal with it.”

and the headstrong, independent heroine who wears pants and wrestles pigs and dont need no man

just kinda rolls with this. There’s giggling.

They have their big dramatic fight, exit stage left, much angst and todo.

The next morning heroine wakes up to find the beast has (presumably) snuck into her room while she was sleeping and dumped a bunch of new dresses on her. he has also (apparently) replaced her brain with Bella Swan’s more vapid cousin.

She forgives him instantly. Because pretty dresses. She also starts calling him master, because why not. She has, over night, become the darling submissive Tumblr doms dream of.

This is not a bdsm book. I am eighty percent certain it doesn’t even include soft core smut. I’m telling you this so that you understand this transformation was not a contrivance in order to facilitate kinky sex. I have written a contrived set up to a sex scene or two in my day. This is not that. This is Not what is in the outline. I know, because i wrote the outline. It is My Outline.

No, The Ass Clown just… decided to do this. Apropos of nothing. I’m beginning to think the Ass Clown’s decision making process involves whipping pies at a comically large dartboard. And all the options on the dartboard are just “lol whatever”

By the time I get to chapter eleven, wherein our newly lobotomized heroine is “excited to wear a new frock and please the master!” - direct quote I have given up any pretense of editing dialogue and I am just straight up rewriting shit using the previous garbage as a loose outline.

I have eaten, maybe, three bites of a bowl of oatmeal all day. I have not taken a bathroom break since before noon. I have missed my deadline. Beloved client is concerned. I’m sure I can still do this, I just need a few more hours.

the words sound like truth but my soul knows i am a liar

I frantically restructure scene after scene, deceiving myself each time that it will be the last, and I will be able to get this crazy train back on the rails. But this crazy train has no interest in being on the rails. It’s a direct line no stops right off the edge of the cliffs of insanity.

The beast jumps unpredictably from homicidal rage and threats of violence to jokes and flirting as though he did not just declare her his property and threaten to rip her tongue out a few paragraphs ago. Heroine swoons and sighs and giggles regardless of whether she is dealing with Dr.Jekyll or Christian Gray on PCP.

But I’m still sure I can do this. I’ll just adjust these two full chapters to make her appropriately scared and angry, and then replace this weird conversation here with a heartfelt apology from him and an effort to do better. That will totally work. Unless, you know, it turns out that conversation I want to replace only starts out with them joking and laughing together, and turns into him berating and abusing her mid paragraph of a fuckin montage a page later! But, haha! Why would The Ass Clown ever do that? It would be completely irrational, tonally jarring and out of character! Only a seltzer slinging rainbow suspender-ed peanut butter fumbling son of six fucks would do that.

so of course The Ass Clown did that.

It’s eleven at night. I know when I’m beaten.

I inform beloved client that the Ass Clown has bested me and I can do no more.

She is very understanding.

I send her what I managed and I check the added word count while im at it

i added a full 6,000 words to that manuscript just trying to patch up this sloppy motherfucker’s lopsided prose and gossamer thin understanding of narrative structure

son of a bitch had about as firm a grasp of romance as i currently have on the trembling shreds of my sanity.

their grip on character writing could not be more tenuous if they had first dipped the target brand Hulk Hands which I assume they always have on their person into a barrel of adult-film-grade silicon lubricant and then taken their Leapfrog 2-in-1 Leaptop Touch down a waterslide.

Do you know how much I usually make for 6000 words?

$180.

Do you know how much I made for enduring this ass blasting, which I naively believed I could tackle in a matter of hours?

$100.

You owe me $80 Ass Clown. And I aim to collect.

Also I lost my damn mind for a minute and said the words "i dont know shit about fuck my guy” to my actual father on facebook

so there’s that.

#reposting from my rp blog #i need to get better about not using it as a personal