#I just feel so alone and though I live a financially stable life I just hate that my family doesn’t understand that money isn’t everything | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nativeofsumeru · 1 year

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His Majesty (Zhongli x fem! reader)

A/N: This too is an old fic I wrote way back when so apologies for any errors.

(Not proofread)

(I might post some of the next parts I wrote that follow this story if there's enough positive feedback.) UPDATE:

(AU-Liyue is a kingdom, Zhongli is a dragon with a humanoid form with his special arms and horns and tail, he is the deity/king that rules over Liyue, this is more of an ancient China theme inspired fic. you are a from a high class, wealthy, and influential family who is friends with the royals. Hu Tao is a princess whom you've grown up with that Zhongli has adopted. Xiao is an adopted prince. Both were poor orphans for the first few years of life before he took them in. Ningguang is your sister. There is also parent mistreatment.)

(Y/N) clutched the fabrics closer to her body. She wasn't cold, but it was for a sense of comfort. It must've been the upteenth time she's wandered these halls, and yet, they still feel so lonely. The high ceiling of the palace made her feel small. The warm colors decorating the walls didn't make the setting any more welcoming. Her fabrics were a rich red made of the finest silk flowers, hand crafted and hand designed. Buying a single section of this kind of quality fabric of such a color and with such patterns could easily set back a commoner family decades in the financial department. And here she was. Wearing it practically for free. The hall stretched on for miles. She couldn't even begin to imagine how many lives must've been lost to create such a structure, at the hands of a god. Her attention was caught further down the hall. A faint yet familiar "Yahoo!" could be heard heading her way. (Y/N) smiled warmly and walked briskly towards the voice, her long fabrics flowing on behind her.

"Hu Tao?" She said, her voice was a little raised.

"(Y/N)!" Her friend came into view. They embraced each other smiling."It's been so long!" (Y/N) nodded.

"Yea...it has. How's life been? I haven't seen you since the wedding..." Hu Tao sighed.

"Don't be surprised. I think I'm the unluckiest woman in the world to have been married to that guy. If Master didn't arrange the whole thing I would've gladly stayed here with you. I know it gets lonely here." (Y/N) looked down at the ground sadly. "Yea..."

"He's on a trip though, going to sell some things in Inazuma so today I was able to escape the maids and pop in for the visit." (Y/N) was shocked to hear that.

"What?! But aren't you afraid?" Hu Tao acted nonchalant., hands on her hips and smiling.

"Of what? The Dragon's Gaze? I can deal with that old man if his wrath ever comes near me. I'll be fine. Besides, it's not fair that you're here all alone by yourself every day."

"I guess so." Her friend put a hand on her shoulder. (Y/N) looked up and here and smiled.

"Come on, let's go to the stables or something and enjoy our time while we're here." The smile faltered.

"Uhhh, about that..." Hu Tao was surprised.

"He doesn't allow you to go to the stables too?!"

"No no no no no, not that. It's just that, I don't think I'm allowed to ride the horses or anything."

"Why not? We always used to do it. Have you not been able to since I left?" Her friend frowned at her. (Y/N) wrapped her arms around her stomach.

"I'm, uh...banned from any strenuous activity for now. Um, the doctor says I might be with child."

"WHAT?!" Hu Tao quickly covered her mouth, she hadn't expected to be that loud. She didn't know whether to be happy or sad, but based off her friend's reaction, (Y/N) didn't seem all that thrilled.

"He doesn't know yet and I'm scared." Her friend took her in her arms again and squeezed tightly.

"How did I end up here?"

(Y/N) walked around her estate. It was a bright sunny day, no clouds in sight, and the weather was warm. Not too far above, a mighty woosh could be heard and the shadow of a dragon soared in the sky. It has shiny metallic brown scales, large golden horns, and a glowing golden and orange mane. The most distinguishing feature of this dragon was it's piercing honey gold eyes that could strike fear in even the bravest of men. She remembered the lesson from her history class.

'Long ago, 500 years into the past, the kingdom of Liyue was a small yet prosperous nation, the only one in the area for miles. The people lived peacefully at first, however, then the Queen of Monsters awokened from her thousand year slumber. She pillaged the land with her monster kin, destroying homes, and flattening cities. The militias and armies fought valiantly at the old Emperor's command. Yet all efforts to quell the threat failed. More monsters had begun infiltrating the capital and it wouldn't be much longer until the Queen had arrived upon the land and ended every human life, except those she deemed worthy to be her followers. You could see her silhouette on the horizon, growing nearer and nearer. The people fled as quickly as they could for their lives, when suddenly...a massive dragon burst forth from the earth, filled with beauty and might. He fiercely took down the Queen of Monsters in a monsterous battle alongside the humans. He fought valiantly until he eventually ended her life with a bite to the throat. He made quick work of her remaining followers and monster kin, those who were lucky enough to escape his punishment fled far beyond the mountains, never to return again. The mighty dragon became known as The Protector and the people began worshipping him for years to come. As time went on, Liyue began rebuilding from scratch under the Dragon's Gaze, the modern day name of His Majesty's army and special forces to protect the people. Eventually, the need for a new ruler became apparent with the death of the previous royals and many of the upper class. The people were all in agreement that The Protector should be the one to rule over Liyue. He listened to their wishes and had transformed himself into a more humanoid form that would allow him to tend to specific matters. He expanded the kingdom and brought prosperity to the once weakened people on the brink of extinction. Since then, the dragon has lived on, protecting the people and ruling over Liyue.'

"(Y/N)! My dear, let's go! It's time for dinner with the royal family!" Her mother ran over and almost dragged her to the dressing room in their mansion.

"Mom, do I really have to wear this?" Her mom yanked at her hair mid styling. "Ow-"

"Yes, and I will not hear another bit of complaining from you. Now shut it and sit still while I try to tame this lion's mane." Her sister walked out from behind the changing screen.

"How do I look mother?" She asked. Their mother let go of (Y/N)'s hair letting it fall back down to have to be styled again as she rushed to her sister. Their mother gently put her hands on her sister's face.

"Oh Ningguang you look beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! His majesty will surely accept your hand in marriage!" Ningguang gave a frustrated sigh.

"Mother, how many times do I have to tell you. I'm not interested in that old man. I'm just going because the family is, I could care less that he's lonely and wants a wife now."

"Nonsense!" Their mother said joyfully while returning back to (Y/N)'s hair. "Your father and I have worked so hard for this moment, Ningguang! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to return to tending to her sister's erm, unique hair." Ningguang walked out of the room. Their mother tightened her grip on (Y/N)'s hair and whispered harshly into your ear, her cheery expression fading.

"Now you listen here. You will lay low and let your older sister have the spotlight. You are not to look at His Majesty at all and you will simply do your best to act as if you didn't exist, alright dear?"

"Yes mother." The cheery tone and smile returned.

"Oh I'm so excited! I can't wait for your sister to be married!!"

===Later===

The family entered the palace and were told that His Majesty was running a little behind and that they could feel free to roam the palace while they waited.

"Hey Mother, is it alright if (Y/N) and I explore on our own?" Ningguang asked.

"Of course dear! You go and have fun!" Their mother was practically star struck. "Oh to be in the palace of a god, The Great Protector!" The girls walked away. They walked down one of the many halls. (Y/N) was fascinating and in awe whereas Ningguang seemed unfazed. If anything she seemed bored.

"Hey sis?" (Y/N) snapped out of her trance.

"Yea?"

"I'm going to find the lady's room, ok? You stay here." (Y/N) nodded and her sister walked away. (Y/N) slowly walked around the hall, forgetting her sister's instructions to stay put. They would be seeing each other all at dinner anyway. One hall had painting and engraving carved into the wall and various sculptures depicting the events of 500 years ago and The Protector's rise to power. (Y/N) stared at the artwork, it inspired her. Eventually at the end of the hallway was a statue of a humanoid figure although he had some dragon-like characteristics. (Y/N)'s hand slowly found themselves running over the features of the man lightly. She couldn't help but admire the amount of craftsmanship put into such a piece.

"What are you doing?" She screamed and jumped back in fright from the voice behind her nearly falling to the ground. But something caught her arm before she could.

"You should really be more careful." The deep male voice said again. She looked up to see the piercing golden eyes of His Majesty, The Great Protector. Time seemed to stand still. Her eyes widened and he helped her regain stability on her feet. She immediately looked away and bowed her head, putting her arms together and profusely apologizing.

"I am so sorry, I am so sorry, I am so sorry, I am SO sorry, i am so sorry, Your Majesty. I promise to never��ensite your wrath again, I am so sorry." His expression didn't change.

"There is no need to apologize." She looked up at him surprised as he turned his back. "I understand humans are naturally curious. You seem to have a keen eye for artwork." The GREAT Protector, His Majesty, was speaking to HER. "Am I wrong?" He said as if waiting for her to respond.

"O-Oh um um um y-yea uh haha um uh y-yes. I-I like work I mean art I mean artwork yes um....yea." He faced her once more. Those eyes were so....entrancing.

"You are the daughter of my guests I am hosting this evening are you not?" She remembered her mother's rules.

"Oh um yea, and my sister uh-"

"Excellent, we will be dining soon. Please go to the dinner table now. Your parents are already there. I will be arriving shortly." (Y/N) nodded profusely.

"Yes, Your Majesty, thank you." And she briskly walked away.

She sat at her seat in the dining room which might as well be a ballroom, it was massive. Her parents were present however she was yet to spot her sister.

"Where is your sister?" Her mother asked, frustrated.

"I don't know-" A servant entered.

"All rise, for the entrance of his Majesty, The Great Protector." In walked His Majesty, in expensive shining fabrics changing the atmosphere of the room with his presence. (Y/N) looked at him. Was he always this handsome?

(Y/N)'s mother was grinning ear to ear, trying so hard to advertise herself as an amazing mother. Her father didn't change much, he was still expressionless and seemed indifferent with the situation at hand. (Y/N) sat farthest from where The Protector would be seated and began her process of laying low. Her mother began buttering him up and making excuses for her other daughter's temporary absence which His Majesty didn't seem to care much about. (Y/N) swore he had been glancing at her multiple times throughout the dinner. She only ate small portions and never asked the servants for extra food or service unlike her mother who was basking in the feeling of being royalty.

Eventually her mother had enough.

"(Y/N)!"

"Yes mother?"

"Where is Ningguang?! I wanted her to meet His Majesty!"

"Ma'am," a different servant entered the room.

"WHAT?!" Her mother snapped.

"Your daughter was found boarding a ship at the docks not long ago."

"SHIP?!?!?! WHAT SHIP?!" His Majesty looked over mid tea sip.

"The Crux ship of Captain Beidou!"

"Pirates kidnapped?!?!?" Her mother began looking worried. The servant nervously passed a piece of paper to her.

"Um..Not exactly Mrs....She dropped this while smiling and flipping off those trying to stop her..."

-Mom, Dad, I haven't been kidnapped. I like women. See you never. :)-

Her mother became frantic. His Majesty gave a small chuckle. (Y/N) looked at him and blushed. Gosh he was handsome. They made eye contact and she shifted her gaze back to her very interesting bowl of empty soup. Very interesting.

"My apologies, your Majesty, but we must be heading home now!" Her mother said sweetly through gritted teeth.

"Oh, is that so?"

"YES." She clutched (Y/N)'s shoulders so tightly she gave a small yelp. He took notice. (Y/N) got up and solemnly followed them out the door.

"Wait," He said sternly and calmly arose from his seat. "I would like her to stay."

"I'm sorry Your Majesty, whom are you speaking of?" Her mother said pushing (Y/N) out behind the door.

"Her. Your other daughter ma'am." He pointed at said (Y/N).

"W-What other daughter?" He didn't falter. "O-oh her, she's not our daughter, she's some servant's daughter we got paid to take with us.

"Hm," He said. "No wonder she is so well mannered. Tell the servant who birthed her that her daughter was fortunate to draw my keen eye and I would like her to stay the weekend at the palace." (Y/N)'s mother seemed like she was going to explode knowing where this was going.

"Of course Your Majesty. I will relay the message. Are you sure you want this dirty servant girl?"

"Yes." She dragged her daughter back into the room and left without saying another word. She was admittedly near tears. She never expected that her parents would lie to The Protector about her to deter him from her.

"You never have to see them again. The wedding is tomorrow afternoon. Anything you wish to have on that day shall be granted. Simply tell my servants and if it is in my power to bestow it upon you I shall." Then he left.

The bed was comfortable. This is what royalty could buy. Her new husband entered the bedroom and began to undress himself. It was time to consummate the marriage and make it final. She stared at him in awe and was nervous. He was muscular and extremely well built, almost as if he hadn't been alive for centuries. He was big too....Wait. Consummate the marriage?!

"I was the first one to sleep with The Great Protector." (Y/N) said drunkenly, holding her glass up.

"You go bestie." Hu Tao slurred. A worried servant was tending to the two.

"U-um your majesties? Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Pour us another Katheryne!"

"My name is Xingxi."

"That sex was fuckin great lemme tell you."

"Tell me."

"Damn right I rode that dragon baby." Xingxi took the remaining alcohol and left the vicinity to do other chores.

She layed in bed on her back, staring at the ceiling. Intricately painted and carved designs of dragons decorated it. She missed him. It was unfortunate that the war had happened so soon and that her love had to go fight it. He was The Protector after all. She kept her hands above her stomach. It would surely grow in 9 months. If The Protector were to...no. Let's not think about that. No heir is needed. The Protector would return in due time. She stroked her stomach. Would she really have a baby? She felt a faint thud vibrate the ground.

"Your Majesty?" A servant knocked on the door of her room. (Y/N) sat up and made herself decent.

"Come in."

"Your Majesty, he has returned." Her eyes widened and she quickly sprinted out of the room and out the door. She rushed down the many halls and bumped into many different servants.

"SORRY!" She yelled back at them. Her footsteps were so loud. She rushed outside to the courtyard nearly crashing into a servant who had been quick enough to open the door.

There he has. The massive dragon looked at her with it's soft honey gold eyes and walked towards her. It blew on her face and gently nudged her head. She smiled and cried and hugged its face holding it close to her. The dragon let her and closed its eyes as its wife held on tightly. She stroked its face and they looked at each other.

"My love." She heard it say.

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #zhongli x you #zhongli x reader #zhongli #zhongli x female reader #genshin impact au #genshin imagines #zhongli x reader au #genshin #rex lapis #genshin impact morax #morax #morax x reader #rex lapis x reader

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starseungs · 2 years

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➳ universe. ksm

pairing: kim seungmin x gn!reader

Every day, he thanked the universe for placing you in his life. Out of the millions of heavenly bodies in the vast sky, you outshone every single one in his eyes. He was waist deep in a slowly sinking phenomenon he could only describe as love.

genre/s: roommates au, angst, fluff, writer!seungmin, unrequited love

warning/s: work & financial struggles, high real estate prices (yes im putting this here), the angst tag is before the fluff tag for a reason (is this a spoiler? probably)

wc: 2.5k

note: behold, another angst from me. don't question it- at this point its the only thing i can write properly;; also this fic is connected to my felix fic if you want to read that after! the two are written to serve as stand-alones too, so it won't affect the stories much if you don't.

Seungmin finally looks up from the blinding light of his laptop and stretches his limbs for the first time since the sun said its goodbyes. His room was dark—the only source of lighting being the laptop’s screen, which only reminds Seungmin that he should probably lower the brightness setting before working in an environment like this. He already had a sinking feeling that he’d be needing a trip to the eye doctor soon.

And ending up with glasses would be such a hassle.

It’s not that Seungmin hated wearing them per se, but having to use the tool for reading things would hinder the efficiency of his job somehow. Of course, not to the point of a drastic difference, but he liked being able to work on his craft right away whenever and wherever.

You see, Seungmin is a writer.

Well, calling it his job is sort of a reach. His "actual" job was as a journalist for a news-based company—still in the same field, just different specializations. Seungmin considers himself quite good at both, though.

He loved creating stories. It was his way of destressing from all the chaos that was his list of news topics to cover. Who said journalism was easy? It was enjoyable, yes, but it physically hurts him sometimes when he’s being told to cover devastating topics. Maybe he was just too soft for the line of work. After all, his colleagues seem to be doing just fine with similar coverage.

Seungmin originally wanted to be a book author anyway. It has been a long time dream of his to watch his story and characters come to life in the minds of those who read it.

His passion for creative writing was something he discovered back when he was still a child. Books were always of interest to him; the concept of experiencing the characters’ lives through words and bringing life to the reader’s imagination was greatly thrilling. And that’s why one day, he simply found himself wanting to try it out.

Years after that event, Seungmin was now a fairly well-known writer on a platform where anyone could post their work. Along the way, he realized that being a professional author was so much harder than it seemed—but this chance was already enough for him. His stories were seen by more people than he had originally imagined, and that itself was a big achievement.

Like a normal person in society, though, he still had to find a job. Posting for free wasn’t going to support his daily life, which is why he ended up working as a journalist. The pay was decent enough to not make him live off of cup ramen like in his broke college days. Despite this, he initially struggled to keep a place to live.

Real estate prices were crazy high in Seungmin’s area. So much that it ate a good chunk of his paycheck just to keep the apartment he had. Sure, he had a stable job, but it wasn’t the highest-paying one out there—it was only about time that he would be struggling to keep up with rent.

And that was when he met you.

"Can I please just have another extension? I had to send money home this week, so I’m really lacking on the payment," Seungmin remembered pleading with the landlord.

He was severely behind on two months of rent at that moment, and the owner of the complex he lived in was starting to have his patience run thin.

It wasn’t something he could control! Seungmin’s sister had broken her leg and needed extra money to cover the hospital and recovery fees. He wasn’t about to leave his family hanging like that!

The landlord sighed and patted his back. "Sorry about this Seungmin, but if you can’t pay the two months by tomorrow, we have to ask you to move out. There’s another person who is interested in an apartment here, but we were already full," he said, dropping his arm off Seungmin's back. "We’re running a business here. I hope you understand."

Seungmin was left dumbfounded as the landlord started walking away. What was he going to do now? It’s not as if he could just magically conjure up enough money to fully pay two months of rent. Asking his family was out of the question—they already had their hands full with his sister. So what’s next? His friends? How comedic.

He didn’t have any.

The closest would probably be his co-workers, but it was a very professional relationship and stopped at general concerns. He doubts they would be willing to lend him more than simple pocket money.

"Hello? Excuse me, sir?" He hears a person calling out to him. He turned around and spotted you—who was peeking out your apartment’s front door. Oh, right. You were his neighbor.

"Yes?"

Seungmin watches as your eyes light up at his response. Why do you look so happy to talk to him? "I’m sorry for the sudden conversation, but it's just that I overheard your talk with the landlord. You’re going to be kicked out tomorrow, right?"

That was certainly one way to say it, he grimaces. Surely, you didn’t mean it in an insulting way, but the cheerful tone in your voice reminding him of the current situation was kind of putting salt over his wound.

Sighing, Seungmin decides to reply and get it over with, "Apparently. What about it?"

The universe must have been on his side at that moment, because your words certainly caught him off guard. This was not what he was expecting—

"Do you want to share an apartment? I have an extra room."

Granted, any random person who offers to live together would've been sketchy in Seungmin's eyes. But maybe it was your positive vibe that pulled him in, telling him that this was a good idea.

You were literally giving him a place to live, at half the original price. Having a roommate wouldn't be such a big problem, right? Plus, you seemed like a decent person to live with.

However, all his other considerations were thrown out the window at the speed of light once he realized once again how severe his issue was: he was on the brink of becoming homeless.

"Sure."

And that was where it all started.

Living with you was quite possibly the best decision Seungmin had made in a while. Not only did he continue to live in the same apartment complex (which was the closest to the train station in his area), but he also ended up with more money for spending because the monthly amount he had to pay for rent was cut in half.

You were such an angel too. Always making sure the kitchen was stocked, so that the two of you were living like proper functioning adults. It would take some more time before Seungmin was willing to go back to his college dorm lifestyle days. He's already been avoiding the instant noodle aisle in convenience stores for the past year.

In exchange for your generosity, he started doing most of the chores in the apartment—something you heavily thanked him for, because washing the dishes really wasn't your favorite pastime.

Due to this dynamic you both developed, a lot of your neighbors mistook you two as a couple. And no matter how many times you tried to correct the assumption, it just comes back stronger in the form of: "Oh, young love. You don't have to be shy about it! Both of you are adults now. Living together isn't that bad."

Except it is that bad.

The main reason you decided to have Seungmin as a roommate was that you, too, were running late on rent for that month. Unlike him, who was on it for the second time in a row, though, you had lacked just one month at that point, so the landlord let you get away with it.

Your job had to cut employees due to a financial crisis, and the pay was lowered by about one-fourth of the original. Luckily for you, your workplace considered you one of the best workers and decided to keep you among the remaining employees. Because of that, you didn't lose your job—only a pay cut.

Basically, that leaves you and Seungmin in the "struggling young adults" classification. Sharing an apartment was the best move you two could make in an effort to save your living standards.

On the other hand, if you asked Seungmin about the misunderstanding, he'd honestly say that it doesn't bother him as much as it did you.

Half a year into your roommate agenda, he found himself falling for you. The crush started not long after you first found out about his hobby of writing.

"So, you post stories online? That's so cool!" Was your genuine praise, looking at Seungmin's laptop screen with interest.

He, on the other hand, was developing cold sweat—a result of having you so close to him. You were currently hovering over his back, trying to get a peek at his draft document.

"Yeah—I, uh, post stuff sometimes," Seungmin replied with a small voice, not used to people praising his hobby in person. "It's nothing too special. But I like the reactions of the readers."

You hum. "How do you plan stuff? I'm not really a writer kind of person, but I do enjoy reading. I want to take a glimpse at your writing process."

Seungmin tried his best to not swoon like a fool.

Someone interested in his work? As well as the process? What a way to make him fall for you.

"I normally just have these bursts of ideas. It can be lines, plots, concepts, character traits, all that stuff. When I do get them, I open my phone's recording app and just say my ideas for future use," Seungmin explains. "I know others write them down as notes, but personally, I prefer verbally describing them, even if it's messily done."

The way your eyes sparkled as he pointed out more stuff in his writing process had him whipped in an instant. It was from then on that Seungmin's adoration for you grew even more romantically.

It's been about two more years since he deciphered his feelings for you. He'd never know how you'd managed to still be living with him—what he did know, though, was that it was a mutual decision.

You both never talked about it up front, but it was obvious that the two of you were now in a better place financially. It would be reasonable to want to live separately again, but the bond you formed throughout the two and a half years of living together was something that could not be broken easily.

"... Min?" He hears your voice calling out. You must be home already.

After stretching once again, he headed towards his door to greet you. Your eyes quickly caught his, the sight making you smile. This reaction was what kept Seungmin going every day.

"Were you asleep? Did I wake you up?" You asked, setting down the plastic bag you were carrying on top of the kitchen table. He shakes his head as a no. "Oh, that’s good. Your light was turned off, so I just assumed."

Seungmin laughs at you while he approaches the plastic bag. Once he got a closer look, he realized it contained takeout food. He looked at you in question. You merely motioned towards it. "Did you eat already? I brought you take-out just in case. Just place it in the fridge if you’re not hungry yet."

The action has him grinning unconsciously. It was one of your love languages to do acts of service, and knowing that, he felt extremely loved.

Taking out the food, he started unwrapping it while watching you take off your shoes on the sofa. It was endearing to see you relax and become more comfortable once inside your shared apartment. He felt special knowing that he was one of the only people to see you in your natural form.

Sadly, his joy-filled illusion was destroyed right away when he noticed the outfit you were currently still wearing—a devastating reminder of what had just gone on with your night.

"How was the date?"

You beamed at his question. At least you’re happy, he thought bitterly.

"It was great, Min! He was such a gentleman the whole time, I was practically swooning. His name is Felix, by the way. Just in case I end up introducing you two. You have an Australian co-worker, right? Chris, was it? He’s Australian too—do you think they know each other?" You chatted enthusiastically.

How fun. He could already tell that this Felix guy was a topic that would stay for a while.

The conversation hurt him, but Seungmin decides to entertain you nonetheless. "Maybe. I can ask tomorrow or something." You give him a thumbs up.

"Cool! I'll go and change out of this now. Good night, Min!" He waves back at you, watching your form disappear behind your room's door. When he finally heard a click, his arm dropped immediately.

It wasn't the first time you've gone on a date with someone else before. But it was the first time you went home approving of one—a very big deal, because this means whoever this Felix is, he's definitely getting a second date from you.

Seungmin was envious of the guy. He doubts he'll ever be on the receiving end of your dates. Something he knows and has tried before, albeit more indirectly. The result was soul-crushing, though.

Bzzt, bzzt.

His phone vibrated for a while, indicating an important notification. Considering he had all other notifications off except for messages, it must have been a text. He lazily picks it up, glancing at the message.

Y/N 🤍: i hope you liked the food i got you btw Y/N 🤍: love you bro 🤪👊

He simply smiles at his phone, even through the tears that have piled up in his eyes. As much as Seungmin hated being seen as a brother to you, he'd rather have that than nothing.

Yes, you saw him in a more familial light. It completely broke him for a while when he first confirmed it, but there was nothing he could do. Seungmin wasn't about to force you to like him romantically.

No, he would rather leave the shared apartment than ever hurt you on purpose. Both were thoughts he despised to the bone.

Exhaling shakily, he opens up the voice recording app and presses start.

"I know there’s a universe out there where we'll end up together. It’s just not this one."

mastertag 🏷️ : @h0neydewmoon

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poppy-thatcher · 1 year

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Just a Dream (Tomura Shigaraki) - Pt 3

Ch 1 Ch 2

A/N: This chapter is short and has no Shigaraki. Just bonding with Dabi so I can establish, what will be, their exceedingly good friendship. I might post the next chapter tomorrow. Just to make up for this sad excuse of a chapter.

I was sitting at my desk when a soft knock came on my bedroom door.

“It’s open,” I yelled, expecting Toga to come in with the new art materials I had recently requested.

A deep voice broke me from my focus.

“He’s really doing whatever you ask, just so long as it keeps ya quiet, huh?” Dabi stated, holding up a bag of items.

I got up from my seat to walk his way, my eyes trained on him, trying to assess his mood.

After my last words to him, he’d done his best to steer clear of me for the past few weeks.

I pushed my hand out waiting to accept the bag. I didn’t want to say anything and anger him. Or worse, scare him away. The fact that he was talking to me was a step in the right direction.

Toga was great company. A little spastic at times, but welcoming nonetheless. But I connected to Dabi and his backstory on an emotional level. Having also been betrayed by someone I thought I could trust, I oftentimes preferred to be left alone than to give that trust to someone again.

His cerulean eyes stayed trained on mine as he gently passed the bag to me. I smiled shyly at him, accepting the bag as our hands touched. I wasn’t going to back down, but I wasn’t going to push him to talk if he didn’t want to.

Before I could even think, he gently exhaled.

“My… my past is touchy. The fact that you know about it…about who I really am… I’ve told no one. If it’s not your quirk, quirk-cuff and all, then I have to believe that the story you shared with us is true. I want to trust you.” he said, his eyes narrowing on mine, bending his neck down to stare closer into my eyes.

“I know that’s hard for you to do, to trust me. I understand better than anyone will.” I sighed, my heart aching at what I was about to confess, “When I was 14 I was abandoned, left to fend for myself. I came home one day from school to find that my mother, the only person I had left in my life, had packed everything she owned. Well… almost everything. I’m still unsure of what changed or made her realize that she didn’t want or need me. But for obvious reasons, I couldn’t afford to pay for anything myself. And once the school caught on that I wasn’t being properly taken care of, they sent someone to my place to check on my living situation. After that, I was sent to an orphanage, where I lived out the rest of my years. Because who wants a highly damaged social outcast?” I explained as a few tears streaked down my cheek.

I might have been fine now, financially stable and able to care for myself. But the feeling of being left always made my heart clench in pain. It’s what caused me to keep people at arm's length. Never wanting to feel lonely but not being brave enough to extend any form of friendship.

I watched Dabi’s eyes narrow before they shined bright with pity; the one thing I hated most people showing me. I did all that I could to keep this story to myself. I absolutely hated people knowing about my past.

“That’s my story,” I said, wiping my eyes, stepping away from being so close to him as I set the bag down on my bed.

My heartbeat picked up when I realized that I was nestled deeply in Dabi’s strong hold. He rested his chin atop my head and squeezed me so tightly. His hug was the first I had received in quite some time. It was in his embrace that I fully broke down.

“I’m sorry.” he said, pulling me at arm's length to gently chase away my tears, “Looks like we’re both outcasts, unwanted by our families.”

I nodded, pulling away from his embrace, and wiped my remaining tears.

“We don’t have to be lonely though. I got your back, yeah?” He pressed on.

“And I have yours,” I said, smiling shyly at him.

He smirked and pushed me and my art supplies to my desk, badgering me to show him my artwork while he talked about The League members.

A/N 2: It took me longer than I'm proud of to find something to bond with Dabi over. And even what I do have feels kinda... ehh.

Ch 4

#tomura shiragaki #dabi todoroki #shigaraki x reader #shigaraki x y/n #bnha shigaraki #mha shigaraki #isekai #dabi has to be the best friend for a reason #but I'm pretty sure he's 100% ooc!#This is my dream Dabi... the one I write for days on end about!#poppy stories

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alyjojo · 22 days

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April 🤯 2024 Monthly - Scorpio

Preshuffle: Your work/money situation is looking better than it has been, 5 Pentacles rev kept making an appearance, along with the 10. You’ve been confidently applying yourself to this area of life and it’s been taking its time but it looks like things are finally moving in your favor. Or they will and you’re finding that out.

Meditation: You were in a beat up (orange) pickup driving down a long dirt road, alone, singing John Denver at the top of your lungs. Happy as a clam, wherever you were going.

Main energy: 10 Pentacles

Some of you are traveling to visit family, you could live at a distance, or you’re moving back “home”, could also just be visiting someone distant from you. For most this is solely about work and finances though, and 10 Pentacles is a great card to get for that. I’m seeing positive things for any entrepreneurs, business is likely to take off if you’ve been trying to get things off the ground, maybe you’ve hit a lull the last few months and the change of seasons brings the people 😁 Some of you are taking practical action on an entrepreneurial idea you’ve been playing with, with the goal being spending more time with family, someone of you may be switching to a position that is work from home a couple days a week or more. It’s an upgrade, whatever it is.

What’s going on in April:

9 Pentacles:

You could be single, Seduction and this Ace of Wands could be showing someone you have your eye on if that’s the case. Otherwise you’re happily independent, after maybe not being that way for awhile, you’ve faced some kind of financial misfortune, I’m getting material, money, jobs. Things not working out, or impulsive decisions/purchases leading to regret later on. You’re more cautious these days about where and how you spend your money, or apply your efforts, you’re not committing to anything temporary, fly by night or just “fun”. You want stable, long lasting, a legacy, 10 Pentacles 💯 If you’re starting your own business, you could be seeking to separate yourself from your day job - eventually, but up until now have have had debts, loans, credit cards, you name it. That’s being shown as taken care of now, or that’s the goal in progress, moving forward you’re set to do whatever it is you want to do - 9 Pentacles is independent and has more than enough.

Knight of Wands:

This feels like some outside thing, an ex, another person, some spontaneous decision that led to a disaster of some kind. Could be some kind of accident, property damage, natural disasters, or some kind of sudden impulse purchase/decision you’ve made - because of a disaster. Suddenly losing your job, any number of accidents, an unpaid bill, whatever the thing, The Tower came out of nowhere and sacked your finances, but all is not lost. You can rebuild, and 5 Pentacles rev at the bottom is showing you doing just that. For some, you could have a kid paying you off for some kind of financial help, or you could be the one that’s doing that. If so, you’re almost there. If you’ve borrowed money from someone it’s like the guilt and your pride are eating you alive, maybe you were struggling to get on your feet again, but you’re doing it.

The World rev:

Unfinished business, you’re not there yet but you’re working on it, little by little, you’ve got a plan. Maybe a contract even, this can be like…still paying for a car that’s been wrecked, for someone it feels like you’re not even getting anything out of this, but you’re stuck with it. Could be kids too, not that they’re a burden (I hope not), but more that having to cooperate with the ex is. 10 Pentacles and Temperance can show keeping your cool for the good of everyone, still trying to show a united front - that could get in the way of your dating life if your eye is on someone new. Some of you are already with someone and this could be their disaster, contract, or impulse purchase you’re stuck paying for. Or that’s switched. Someone doesn’t want to give, if you have an ex that’s always needing money, you could be stingy with it, or they are with you. Page of Pentacles can be child support, if that applies then that’s IT, all they get, though they may ask. Someone is definitely helping someone out financially, and it’s a heavy burden to bear, this person could not be that well off themselves. I see conflict and snide behavior at the bottom along with this gift, if the guilt is eating you alive it’s because your grandma is on a pension and is going to remind you every week for the rest of your life so get it together mate - that’s what I heard. Even the mate part, do I have Aussie Scorpios in here?

Page of Pentacles:

The plan is to give, to pay back, progress, whatever the case. Whoever needs money is being fully transparent and fair, and whoever is giving it is listing out their stipulations and expectations. For some this could have to do with legalities, contracts, child support, divorce, etc. and however this is going down will be fair for everyone - or that’s the goal. Some of you are out of one thing and entering another just as quickly. Money could be coming in, possibly taxes, some kind of bonus or savings even, and that’s being used to pay back someone. You could be allowing the other parent to claim the kids on “your time” as a way of paying them back, everything here is financial and legal related, but it’s fair and no one is out to screw anyone. Some of you have simply borrowed a loan in order to start up a business, heavy entrepreneur energy, and you’re kinda freaking out about that (pressureee) but it will only motivate you that much harder to take action & put in the necessary work. You could be giving someone a job, or another person is doing that for you, some of you are going back to school or still in school and could be receiving financial help from family AND loans. However it fits. Mars season looks beautiful on you dahling 😘

Queen of Pentacles & Ace of Wands:

This feels like your own energy, putting in the work 💯 Raising kids maybe, running a business, cooking and balancing, juggling responsibilities and cleaning, you’ve got everything in a schedule, everything on a list so nothing gets missed. It’s like you’re getting a new lease on life. For someone this could be someone new you’re attracted to and eager to be with, if so it’s right at the beginning. 9 Pentacles is at the beginning, 10 is your goal, whether that’s in home or business, 2 Wands shows you’re planning on moving up - there’s no staying put where you are. One goal down, on to the next, one bill paid off, on to the next, you’re definitely getting your shit together even if circumstances had you down bad for a minute. You’ve got motivation, inspiration, energy and an inner fire to get 👏 things 👏 done, even if you’re doing it on your own. All the more reason right? I see nothing but positive omens for potential growth, for someone this could be a job where the more you work - the more you make, like sales, and you’re taking full advantage of that, building your finances back up to where they were before this Tower that’s occurred. Someone around you could be inspiring you, maybe the person you borrow money from, or lend it to even.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Heavy earth 🌍 Virgo, Capricorn, Sagittarius, Pisces, Taurus & Aries

Oracle: ✨

22 Transformation 🦋

This situation you’re currently in is acting as a catalyst for a major transformation, either within yourself as a whole, or in some aspect of your life. Don’t try to second guess yourself, or beat yourself up, and there’s no use questioning or having regrets. Many of your issues and situations are not anything to be upset about. You are the one who infuses drama and chaos into the situation. This is an opportunity to grow and learn, rarely do these opportunities come when/how we feel they should, nor do they maintain a status quo or keep us within our comfort zones. Be thankful for this opportunity to transform and heal to a better and higher vibration.

Self-Love ❤️

Self Concern - Self Healing - Independence

Profession 🧑‍🍳

Expertise - Omniscience - Talent

Excitement 🤩 - Mercury Gemini

Seduction 💋 - Jupiter Pisces

We enter into April as:

Pink From Pinkton 💗

“I am more than I think I am.”

Pink shows us the process of self-awareness. Are you trying to recapture a past moment that no longer fits? You may have outgrown something, and while it can be a challenge to admit it, being fully who you are is much more glorious than trying to fit yourself into the past. If you are presently upset or struggling with a difficult situation, it may be because you are trying to make something work when it simply can’t. You may be seeking to keep something far less than what you deserve. With self-awareness and discovery comes a new obligation, using your new knowledge. New ideas, projects & opportunities can only come if you stop blocking them.

What is to be learned in April:

Sun Sparkler 🎇:

“Integrity is what turns on the light.”

Sun Sparkler reminds us that it is through kindness to others and being of service that we are abundant. Are you living your life as fully as you can? Are you being honest and kind to others? Do you hold the door open for people on the elevator, or let it close? Do you let people merge over in traffic, or pretend not to see them? When we put a blinder on one area of life, it creates the same blind spot in every area. You can’t shut out pain without shutting out pleasure too. Sun Sparkler reminds you of the miracle of honesty, it leads to integrity. You may have done work for another but do not expect a reward, revel in alignment with Spirit, self-esteem is the gift. You’ve been elevated to a new level spiritually, continue to serve others and life will prosper beyond your wildest dreams.

Yellow may be a lucky color 💛

#Scorpio #april 2024 #astrology #monthly tarot reading #monthly #tarot #tarotblr

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daydreamerdrew · 11 months

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what I was trying to communicate here and which I don’t think came across very clearly is that it’s remarkable to me how I don’t believe Billy has a conscious resistance to the concept of found family, if anything I would say he outwardly values it, but that that’s not fully reflected in his actions regarding his own family

I don’t think that Post-Crisis Billy assumed that Mary would be willing to run away from her adoptive parents and come be a self-supported minor with him because he doesn’t respect adoption or because he doesn’t respect the traditional set-up of children being reliant on adults, I think that would be really at odds with the morals he displays elsewhere, but because he personally does not want either of those things and he had a blindspot where he didn't realize Mary did want those things because of how much he wanted to live with Mary again without having to sacrifice the freedoms that living alone gave him

and I don’t think that Billy had so much judgement for the other kids with wealthy parents that he assumes just had everything given to them because he thinks it’s bad for parents to provide for their children and thinks that his lifestyle of having to provide for himself as a kid without adult support was entirely inherently better, though it's complicated because he does take pride in what he's overcome and frames how it impacted him overall positively

there’s a part of TPOS! where Billy and Mary believe that Nick and Nora are dead and Billy, who was just finally starting to become comfortable in something more like the traditional family structure, outwardly takes it even harder than Mary, who knew them for much longer that he did. but then later Billy is disgusted with himself for “whining” and says that he didn’t survive on the streets by complaining but by bearing through it and then getting on with his life. I don’t believe Billy was ever depicted as having judgement for other people being so affected by things like that, but that it’s specifically just himself who he holds to that standard

and I think that, despite really enjoying the autonomy that not living with any adults gave him, and believing himself to be capable and not in need of parents, he doesn’t then question the traditional structure of children being reliant on and beholden to their parents, and if anything really buys into it, as evidenced by his lack of solidarity with teen heroes and aligning himself with the generation above them. he is ultimately glad that Mary didn’t have to go through the same things that he did being homeless, and I assume that if Billy were to meet another kid in his situation he would think more negatively of that than he does about his own. I think his feelings about himself are an exception to an otherwise pro-tradition worldview

and with Pre-Crisis Billy, I think it’s notable that the Marvel Family and the large cast of friends he collected over the course of his stories is largely something that happened to him, rather than something he was actively seeking out and purposely facilitating. the personal parts of his relationship with Sterling Morris are incidental to the initial way that Mr. Morris was a vehicle for him to get into a more stable financial position. I think it’s notable that he does not frame Freddy’s origin story as Captain Marvel Jr. as them becoming family when it first happens, even though even Captain Marvel is portrayed as not being totally as ease with the fact that he doesn’t have any blood relatives, and how significant it is to Billy to find someone with a blood relation to him that he can actually have a positive relationship with in Mary

#my posts

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callophelia-ailingamnemonic · 5 months

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Oh hey, lookie it's what I have so far for my pre-canon Liyue and Inazuma plot points for my ATWIAWL AU!

PRE-CANON LIYUE

Before the Cataclysm, Morax and Barbatos were very close (despite the former’s denial of the fact), so when Barbatos went against the Sustainer of Heavenly Principles, it felt like a betrayal. After the Anemo Archon was “killed”, anything that reminded Morax of them filled him with irrational fury, making him wonder what could possess Barbatos to throw everything away for a single baby.

When a wind wisp first approached Morax, his first reaction was to yell at them and demand them to go away, and although the wisp relented and gave him space, Morax could always tell that the wisp was still around from all the little gifts that he would find.

After a century or so, however, the empty feeling in Morax’s chest had worn him down to the point that he could not accept the fact that he craved a reminder of Barbatos.

He decides to invite the wisp to a meal where the two would talk. Eventually, as the two shared more meals together, Morax opened up to the sprite the same way he had to Barbatos, eventually naming the sprite Zhen (sometimes affectionately nicknamed Xiao Zhen)

While in their human identities, the two often spent time learning about the people of Liyue together. Zhen was the one to suggest to Zhongli that instead of faking his death out of nowhere, he should first slowly distance himself from his godly duties, slowly increasing the time between one descent from the next to see how the people of Liyue respond to their growing independence. He also advises Morax to open a savings account to ensure that he will not be broke when he surrenders his gnosis.

In the eyes of the people of Liyue, Zhen is a wisp who grew emotionally attached to Zhongli and decided to live amongst humans to be with him. Wind Wisps are not as revered in Liyue as they are in Mondstadt, but it is still considered to be a blessing when one decides it wants to live amongst humans with a chosen mortal. Though many of their acquaintances often joke about how Zhen is like Zhongli’s more financially responsible little brother or son.

(I'm not super familiar with Zhongli lore, so I would love some help on how to make his lore in this AU better)

PRE-CANON INAZUMA

After losing Barbatos on top of her sister and friends, Ei falls into a more severe depression. Just like Morax, Ei’s reaction to a wind wisp approaching her was bad, probably even worse since in her grief, she had come to assume that the wisp was the ghost of Barbatos coming to haunt her.

Despite the wisp’s efforts to be a stable support for her, their relationship remained strained, eventually reaching a boiling point when Ei decided to discard her prototype puppet and confessed to her plans of making an emotionless doll to rule while she meditated in her Plane of Euthymia.

The two had a furious argument about the decision, Ei claiming that it was for the best she set him free and that Inazuma would be fine while the wisp argued that such a decision was not only irresponsible and disaster-bound, but cruel as well. The argument eventually reached the point where Ei told the wisp that if they were so against the idea of the puppet being alone, that maybe they should just go with him. Angrily, the wisp agrees, telling her that unless she cleans up her act, this will be the last time they see each other.

The puppet and wisp remain in Shakkei Pavillion until they are found by Katsuragi and taken in by the people of Tatarasuna who name the puppet Kabukimono and the wisp Kaze no Seirei. The two live a fairly happy life there until one of Dottore’s segments disguised as Escher comes to Tatarasuna to cause trouble.

The thing about the wind, however, is that no information whispered in the wind is safe from their ears. Paired up with Nagamasa and Niwa’s suspicion of him and Kabukimono’s general uneasiness around him (Why does it feel like Escher is always staring at him and standing a little too close?) Dottore’s charade is uncovered fairly quickly.

Kaze no Seirei and (maybe) Niwa confront Dottore, first trying a peaceful approach, but when it’s clear that Dottore will not leave before completing his goal, a fight between Kaze and Dottore breaks out, draining Kaze of most of his energy and injuring Niwa, in a moment of intense emotions, Kabukimono is able to unseal a portion of his powers and defeat the segment.

Before killing the segment, however, Kabukimono orders Dottore to never mess with Tatarasuna or Inazuma again, lest Kaze inform the Tsaritsa’s wisp to spill his actions against Kaze, which would in turn, get Dottore Prime in a lot of trouble since the Tsaritsa likes the wisps.

Dottore, deciding it was not worth the trouble of losing his funding and connections agrees to the terms before the segment is incinerated in a bolt of lightning.

Centuries pass and Tatarasuna remains prosperous with the Kabukimono and Kaze no Seirei as the de facto leaders of Tatarasuna, and when the Vision Hunt Decree happens, Tatarasuna comes to be considered as a neutral faction that is neither on the side of the Shogun or the Resistance.

During the decree, Tatarasuna would house many vision users and runaways who wanted to escape the Shogun’s rule, but despite the Shogunate Army’s best efforts, they couldn’t seize Tatarasuna with Kabukimono and Kaze leading the charge.

I imagined that Kabukimono still gets an anemo vision (technically making him a dual electro-anemo user because of his birth powers that were slowly unsealed more and more throughout the years) that was given to him when he decided that no matter what happens, he refuses to surrender Tatarasuna and its people to the Raiden Shogun.

Because Dottore was no longer messing around in Inazuma, I imagine that the Raiden Gokaden is still around and so is Kazuha’s family, but Kazuha at this time still does not have a vision, that is until Tomo goes to Tenshukaku to challenge the Shogun.

Before he leaves to chase after Tomo, Kabukimono gives him a seal that repels Electro just in case.

I haven’t decided if Tomo gets to live or not, but either way, when Kazuha gets there, he either manages to save Tomo, or just Tomo’s vision thanks to the seal given to him by Kabukimono.

Unable to flee back to Tatarasuna due to the distance between Tenshukaku and his hometown, Kazuha (and maybe Tomo if he is still alive) flees to Ritou and stowaways on Beidou’s ship. I imagine Kazuha probably gets his vision sometime after that.

#genshin impact #genshin impact au #Genshin Morax #Genshin Zhongli #Genshin Wind Wisps #Genshin Thousand Winds #Genshin Beelzebub #Genshin Raiden Ei #Genshin Raiden Shogun #Genshin Kabukimono #Genshin Scaramouche #Genshin Wanderer #Genshin Il Dottore #Genshin Tomo #Genshin Kaedehara Kazuha #A Thousand Winds in a Windless Land AU

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wyn-n-tonic · 1 year

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Hello.

I hope this isn’t to personal. You can ignore it if it is, but I read your post about your diagnoses and…it…just really spoke to me. For a few years now I have suspected that am on the spectrum and the more I read about experiences like yours I get more and more convinced. I just….how did you go about bringing it up to your doctors? Did you have to go for testing to get the diagnosis? I’m really nervous to bring it up to my doctors. I am worried that they are gonna look at me like I am looking for attention or something. I am in my mid 30s and I’m afraid that they are going to question why I am bringing it up now. How can it be possible that I have lived 35 years and am just now bringing it up? The sad thing is that it’s affecting how I live my life and, if I am being honest, has affected my entire life. I feel isolated and alone. I want to grow these friendships that I am keeping at arms length.

hi, babes! this isn't something that i feel is too personal. i like to consider myself an open book for two reasons: 1) these things are just facts of my life, they happened or are happening and just speaking on them has no positive or negative connotations, they're just true. 2) if there's any small possibility that something i went through and my willingness to talk about it can help somebody else then i'm okay with living with pain or reliving it because it means others don't have to feel so alone.

this is a very long post so i am going to cut it.

so... bringing it up in your thirties is super not weird. especially if you are a woman (or AFAB). so much of our understanding of autism is still developing, it's still being researched, it's still being understood. and, like ADHD, it presents differently in girls than it does in boys and, well... healthcare is sexist. there's also still a lot of really fucked up biases that people have where they think of those with autism as being high support needs (otherwise known as low functionality but i fucking hate that term) because, again, they do not understand that it is on a spectrum.

and first of all, i want to say that self diagnosis is super valid and accepted within the autistic community. even if i said in that post that i don't feel like i am enough of anything to belong anywhere, i know that that statement is still true. i think that i'm closer to the end of the spectrum than either of my sisters but i'm still there and, really, how much is that just because i've learned to mask and tamp down who i am my whole life that now i don't really know how to get out of that? it's like when you pull funny faces as a kid and your mom tells you that your face will get stuck like that, you know? my mask feels pretty stuck.

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID. bringing it up now is so important and not at all attention seeking. you're looking for answers and you deserve to have them no matter how old you are. it's your body, it's your health and it's your brain. you deserve to know the things about it. then you can consider support needs and apply that to your life. of course, you can just apply support needs to your personal life and home as it is but sometimes asking for reasonable accommodation at work requires the official diagnosis.

for me, i do not have an official diagnosis yet of autism. i got my diagnosis of ADHD (which i was diagnosed with as a kid but since i don't have access to those records, i had to redo it). it was three hours the first session, three hours the second and then one and a half hours the third and it cost me a lot of money because my insurance did not pay for as much as they said they would. please don't let that deter you, though, because my version of a lot of money in this instance came at a very financially hard point for me. my doctor was like, 'look, let's get your stable on the ADHD meds and then we can start discussing the possibility of autism and sending you for testing.' this man looked at me two months later at a check in appointment and was like, 'yeah, i don't even need to send you for testing right now, i am very comfortable with just telling you that you are autistic.' i have worked with multiple psychiatrists and mental health professionals, as well, who have randomly mentioned it to me in conversation before this which is what really got me interested in figuring this shit out. like on psychiatrist just looked at me while we were at lunch and went, 'you know you're autistic, right?' and then i've had another conversation where i was talking about how i interpret some thing in a social aspect and this therapist was like, 'oh, because of the autism right?'

i will, at some point, start picking apart the healthcare system so that i can be officially tested and have that official diagnosis. because, at the end of the day, having that official diagnosis is having protection for yourself. especially in the work place. i just don't have the money for it right now and have a surgery i need to be focusing on alongside paying down debt.

i started with a psychiatrist because i work in mental health and can kind of navigate my way around in my state regarding rules and where to go and it's still SO FUCKING HARD to understand. i'm unsure what state you're in (or if you're even in the US, i'm so sorry, i shouldn't assume) so it would be my advice to bring it up with your doctor first and foremost because they likely will have resources and referrals that they can make. in some states, it actually has to be your doctor who diagnoses you (never mind that psychiatrists legitimately went to medical school too or whatever, we have established that the government doesn't know shit about medicine). hopefully they will have those referrals and can be a better guide for you. if they don't, however, i would say make an appointment with a psychiatrist and let them know that you just want to look into all the possibilities to help you feel and be the best version of yourself that you can feel and be. and that's not always medicine (there is no medicine for autism), sometimes it's just having the fucking knowledge.

because my psychiatrist, when he started the evaluation, we were talking and i had to take all these questionnaires for all the different mental illnesses and he was shocked. he was like, 'you are lighting up all of these questionnaires. you are leaning positive for bipolar and for borderline, your anxiety is one of the worst scores i have ever seen and your depression is.... have you ever been hospitalized?' like... sir, do not even suggest a grippy sock vacation, i cannot afford it. and i told him that i don't mean to sound like a drug seeker, i'm just very self aware and i work in this industry and i've done a lot of thinking about this. but i've been in therapy for years now and it is very helpful but it isn't enough and i've been treating my depression for years as well and i'm on one of the highest dosages of my anti depressant and it barely scratches the surface of my suicidal ideation because, underneath everything, i still feel different and unwanted and like i'm not getting it. i can be smart all day, i know i'm not stupid, but i really don't know how to navigate a lot of life and it goes so far beyond social anxiety. which only told me that my anxiety and my depression were not my illnesses, they were my symptoms and treating just the symptoms does nothing to treat the root cause of it all. And for the first time in my life, a professional agreed with me not to get me to shut up and get out of his office but because he believed me.

he said, 'that makes sense to me. because i'm talking to you now and i don't think you truly have manic episodes that would suggest bipolar disorder. i think that you've been depressed for so long that nobody knows who the real O is, not even you. so when you feel good and 'manic' the way you're describing... that's actually how you're supposed to feel all the time.' he started me on Adderall and we actually increased my dosage at my last check in but i'm going to request going back down. because that first month on the adderall was perfect. my brain was quiet, there were no intrusive thoughts, i wasn't fidgeting to get through the day, i understood and listened to my hunger cues, i was losing weight healthily (for a girl who's had an eating disorder since she was five, that is a huge deal for me), i didn't bite my nails, i wrote 50k words in the month of August. and then we started discussing the autism. and the more we talked and the more reading he had me do and the more reading i did for myself not to mention the personal interactions i have with those on the spectrum that tells me so much about myself like.... it all just made sense of everything for me. like it hurts! it's wild how much it does hurt. i feel like nobody talks about the grief of later diagnosis as much. and grief is weird and you're allowed to cry and crying is okay. because this isn't a bad thing, it just sucks that you had to learn so late in life that you feel as though it's too late for you. i promise it's not because i have to have that hope for myself. it's just gonna take a bit but it's actually really freeing.

i hope any of that made sense or was helpful, friend. i will try to answer questions or if you wanna just talk, we always can. i'm not a licensed professional by any means and these diagnoses look so different for every body but i'm here to commiserate!

#ask o

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1d1195 · 24 days

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Never say sorry for expressing your feelings bestie! I completely understand where you’re coming from especially from this feeling of being “behind” on life! There are so many internal and external factors that contribute to this feeling! On paper and maybe to everyone else you’re have a nice life but they aren’t the ones living it. I think that there’s pressure to hit certain milestones at certain ages or feel specific things at a certain point in our lives but honestly we all have different goals in life! As well as just living completely different lives that at various paces!

Like tbh with you I thought I would be happier in life rn when I think about myself a few years ago! And it’s very hard for me to grasp that but that’s bc I have this “idea” of what my happiness SHOULD like instead of finding or doing things that genuinely bring me joy! So I know it can be hard to stop comparing yourself because I do the same thing too especially when I’m spiraling! You’re not alone in this and there’s no shame in expressing these feelings EVER!!!

I love you Sam!-💜

Omg I spent so much of my 20s unhappy. I didn't even KNOW I was unhappy. But I just woke up one day in February of 2022 and was like "this ain't it." I'm definitely happier now than I ever been. Realistically, I think I was unbelievably happy from 14-20ish/21 it was like I was a zombie just trying to get through the day. (I don't count covid because no one could have predicted that).

Honestly, the probably is I'm extremely jealous of everyone around me getting houses and having kids. I've mentioned it before but I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom (like I wanted to start having kids when I was 23 fresh out of college--what an idiot) but I grew up on the poorer side of the aisle and I FELT it as a child. I have a lot of financial anxiety as an adult and I refuse to do that to a kid. My parents did what they could--it wasn't their fault. There's a lot of intricacies/happenstances to it and I know I won't be perfect either but I'm not starting on the wrong foot. So I want to feel financially stable before I have a kid and it's just like EVERYTHING I do is wrong. Can't catch a break kind of thing. Idk. It's probs my own fault for being passionate about being a teacher 😂 I'd make a lot more $ elsewhere. But the point of saying all this is that I feel so behind because if I don't have a kid soon my parents flat out aren't going to get to know them. And I feel like I'm reaching a point where if I don't foresee myself having kids in the future I really don't know what my purpose would be 🤷‍♀️

ANYWAY sorry for ranting that was a bit heavy it's a big deal to me and I've been thinking about it a lot more and more. Especially because family gatherings are all about marriage and babies now and it's SO much pressure. It's all my coworkers talk about. It's just exhausting. It's like I don't have a choice but to think about it. But regardless, I really am happy. There's a lot I haven't gotten a chance to do that would be harder to do if I did have a kid and I look forward to those things. The world is just really hard right now.

I know it doesn't sound it but I am really TRULY happy these days (with the exception of hormonal issues once a month) but jealousy for a life I don't have is VERY real and very frustrating.

Sorry to put this all on you, please don't feel like you have to respond to it I know you've got your own stuff and you are young and have many years of fun and excitement to look forward to! Even though I said I was unhappy for some of it I think college was some of the BEST years of my life, truly. I felt at HOME there--I didn't want to leave and I'm a HOMEBODY so for me to want to stay away from my mom was a REALLY big deal. I miss it a lot and it was tough but I would time travel right back to 2014 and do it again--maybe even exactly the same way too. So if you're not feeling happy right now (or as happy as you feel you should be) you're totally going to and your own advice is very wise. It's not linear and it's going to be different for everyone 💕

I'm just a sometimes-grumpy 28 year old hahahahah

I LOVE YOU!!!

xoxo

#💜

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thedamselinthismess · 1 month

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Maybe it's finally time

I'm sitting here thinking about all of the things that I have going on in my life and how I should address them as far as prioritizing and getting things done the way they need to be. I have a lot on my plate, needless to say. Some things stress me out more than others and then there's the things that sit in the corner of my mind that I can't bring myself to give a damn about. Honestly, I'm miserable with all the tasks that I have to take on in one day. My mind is tired of planning and it always seems like nothing gets done, even though I do the things that I need to do. It's like a never ending cycle in my mind of things that could be done and things that should be done. I'm at a loss for a way to explain the way that I feel. I sat here earlier, waiting for someone to call me back about a part time job and nothing. I don't know what to do without something of that nature to keep me grounded and stable. I have 3 cats and they have to be fed and have litter and other things as well as myself having food and things that I need. Someone has to do it. I need some sort of help, but I think I stand for a few people when I say that I have to help myself. It's not just financial help either. It's everyday things. The mental turmoil of me having to get everything done. My brain is overloaded and I can't think straight most days. It's simple stuff too, like what do I need from the store? Do I even want to go get it. I feel alone and it's sad, because I have so many people that 'care'. Yet, when I need them they're nowhere to be found. I get that they have their own lives and all that, but damn. I'm always fine until someone checks on me and needs something. If that's all you want then don't check on me at all. If that's all that I am to you as a friend or family member then don't be my friend and please excuse yourself from my life. Today is hard. Everyday is hard. It's just that some days are easier to get through than others. Maybe it's time that I put some things down. Some stuff that weighs me down or makes me feel less sufficient as a person. Maybe things will get better then. Maybe. Just maybe.

#mental health #how i feel #anger

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elimagdasoc-blog · 3 months

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17-January-2024

I'm scared to be alone and lonely. I used to be comfortable with solitude, but now, I'm not. I don't like the way I'm feeling right now; it's really heavy. I'm crying, but I don't know why. Is this a sign of mental illness? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I'm sad right now. I know God; I believe and trust in Him. But, at the same time, I'm aware of what I'm feeling. I suppose this is what it feels like - you might seem okay on the outside, but inside, you're empty

Perhaps it's because I'm not financially stable yet, and I want to get married, but I haven't been able to save. We're still paying bills and loans, living paycheck to paycheck. I worry about not wanting to be a burden to my fiancé, especially since I was unemployed for six months last year. I feel like I haven't contributed enough to our expenses. I wish I was a college graduate. Maybe it wouldn't mean much, then I could take any job that life has to offer. Or, I wish I could be more like my best friend. Even though she's not a college graduate like me, she's much wiser, and job opportunities come easily for her. But I’m not jealous of her. In fact, I’m proud of her I saw how she went through and what she is right now. She inspires me to become better everyday. She drew me closer to God.

I'm aware that I'm anxious and constantly worrying because I want things to happen quickly. but, I understand that God's timing is always perfect. I just don’t want to disappoint the people around me. It feels like I'm carrying a burden and facing high expectations for myself.

I love Al. He's my answered prayer. I always thank God for giving Al to me. I don't know what I've done to deserve him. He's so much more than I have prayed for – a non-alcoholic person, a home buddy with no vices, who just likes to play games all the time. When I decided to bring myself to church regularly, he came along without hesitation. I'm his first girlfriend, and probably the last one because, hey! we were already engaged last December. As mentioned earlier, he's my fiancé. I cannot imagine my life without him. He's way more precious to me than anything else in life. I love him, and I always will.

I'm writing this blog because no one knows about this site, and perhaps I just want to vent out my feelings and have something to look back on once things go my way.

I pray to God to align my plans according to his will. I trust God's perfect time.

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shippersark · 4 months

Link

#Anupamaa #RupaliGanguly #SudhanshuPandey

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redsediment · 9 months

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I think I’m going to kms. I’m so tired and worthless and without energy. I wonder how I got here though. I can’t imagine that this was inevitable. Is there some moment that pushed me towards this path of self-effacing? It doesn’t feel like it. It feels as though there so many moments in which I came to realizations that living is too difficult for me.

Idk maybe it’s just my relationship that’s failing. I’m feeling so trapped and worthless. I feel like she doesn’t care about me for me, she just likes being around someone who listens and is kind.

Tbf, I don’t have a lot of a developed personality beyond that. I mostly just joke around and think about existentialism and the fate of humanity until I need to be alone and play video games. Although idk. I wonder if I would develop more of a personality around people with more substance. I really think I could. The one thing holding me back quite honestly is money. I’m making so much right now it’s crazy. I’m so fucking financially stable rn.

But I gotta go. I have to find myself. I’m absolutely losing my mind being stuck with these people who just care about having the most stable life possible.

I used to have real hopes and interests. I used to take things seriously. I used to really care and want to do better. I’ve lost my reason to do all that because I was around people who thought seriously about things

#journal

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chill-that-ur-inmyhead · 9 months

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who will you be with saturday night? my friends going out getting drunk I am so excited

what woke you up this morning? my alarm

if you took a drug test would you pass it? yes

is tomorrow going to be a good night? feel like that is up to me - I'm being an idiot at the moment, torn between pursuing this guy I am talking to even though I KNOW he isn't a serious contender and I am just gonna get attached or I could be mature and move on and just end it and I know I will get over it but I got used to the attention and affection *sigh*

did you kiss or hug anyone today? nope

who was the last person you rode in a car with? pater

how many myspace accounts do you have? zero

what was your first thought this morning? depressed that I am still living with my family when I should be meeting people and having a good time

do or did you like school? yes I did

where would you like to live? London

do long distance relationships work? they can do but they are not for me

what do you want to be when you grow up? happy

where do you see yourself in 5 years? Hopefully qualified and financially stable enough to rent my own place and go traveling more

who do you wish you were with right now? I would say the guy I am talking to but I don't even know if I want that so maybe I am better alone

if you had one whole day to yourself, what would you do? go and explore a new place

is anything bothering you? Haha yes, my overthinking regarding this guy

do you miss someone? nope

what do you want to do right now? Take a bath

are you listening to music right now? nope, watching daisy jones and the six finally

are you in a good mood? Eh I've been better

what are you doing this weekend? BARBENHEIMER!!!! My friend works for the cinema so gets free tickets and is taking me to see double bill of Barbenheimer in the city then going out with friends in the evening

are you talking to anyone while doing this? no :( BUT maybe it is good I'm not talking to him because he is totally wrong for me ahhhhh. Difference between listening to my head and heart right!

when were you the saddest in your life? ah probs my uni breakup

do you own more than one cell phone? yes

do you use ebay to buy or sell? buy and sometimes sell

have you ever had a song written about you? nah

have you ever sang in public? not unless drunk

what do you like to listen to before you go to bed? the sound of my thoughts working overtime

do you have a job? yes and I like it but it's not in the career I want so will be finding a permanent job

what does your ipod have in it right now? taylor swift and britney spears

have you ever loved someone and were too scared to tell them? Nope

next concert? ERAS TOUR 2024 WEMBLEY LETS GOOOOOO

#surveys #spicynightlife #19/07/2023

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yuna-writes · 1 year

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Recently, the topic of ‘passion’ came to mind. Primarily because I met this other person who was interested in my job. He wanted to be a designer but came from a music background. Let’s just say his music career isn’t panning out the way he wants to. He travels a lot for concert gigs. His passion is truly into music....but if my assumptions are correct, it pays incredibly low. In other words, he’s not making a good living with his music alone. Interestingly enough, he told me that he felt a little bit lonely traveling for 2 months and not really forming connections with anyone around him because he always had to drop everything and travel again for another concert gig or festival. I can tell he is having a good time playing music, because that’s what he loves, but I can also sense he feels frustrated that he isn’t really building a future. He told me he doesn’t have any investments or savings, and he doesn’t really have solid relationships because he keeps traveling so much. In other words, he’s telling me he wants a regular job where he can create relationships with co-workers and have a stable routine.

Well, this is another story of an artist’s struggle unfortunately. It’s really interesting too because I get really bored at my job as a designer but it pays extremely well. Some days can be interesting but I’m designing things that I’m not so enthusiastic about. I still work hard though. I also get bored meeting the same people and keeping the same routine. Yet, it was really eye opening seeing another person who really wanted my lifestyle. I guess a life of unpredictability is more fun but stressful. And a life of predictability is boring but stable. I know many people really want to find that perfect job where they always feel like it’s fun and enjoyable but truthfully I don’t believe that kind of job exist. It might be fun for a while, but than after a while you will get bored by the routine. It’s just human nature. We get bored doing the same thing everyday and want more variety, and some jobs do have it but we still need to cope with the unpleasant things about a job such as mundanity. That’s why I kind of gave up on the idea of finding a job that’s my ‘passion’ because no such job exist. I think we’ll eventually find some things we like about our jobs and some things we don’t like.

When I listened to his story, it does reaffirm my belief that pursuing your passions is not always a good idea. I understand why some people just decide to drop everything and pursue what they love. Life is short, and they want to take a chance at their one life doing what they genuinely enjoy because it makes them happy, but I also find it a terrible idea because without a good plan, you start to hate your passion because of how unstable, unpredictable, chaotic and financially stressful it can become over time. It’s not to discourage someone from pursuing their passions, but I always believed in forming a very crafted plan to make it sustainable long-term. Because in the short term, the people who jumped on the boat of ‘pursuing your passions’ tends to realize they have made a mistake, and than they want to have a regular 9-5 job for stability. In the meantime, I can tell they are emotionally distressed by the decision they have made, because it wasn’t well thought out.

#notes

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livingasaghost · 1 year

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haven't written one of these in a long time but it feels like i should

i'm trying not to be too optimistic because we have a long road ahead of us but i opened up my manuscript last week for the first time in like....a year? it's been quietly sitting on my hard drive while i've worked through a million different crises the last few years and even though i haven't done more than reread it, i felt the Itch. a lot of that comes down to tour starting and feeling inspired by taylor once again (thank god for that woman) but it's something.

i found another indie author on instagram today that kind of gave me that feeling i felt when i found olivie blake (hi olive <3) a few years ago — that sometimes it's okay to just be an indie author and traditional publishing doesn't have to be the be all end all. and like yeah, i'd love to get picked up by traditional publishing and a cool agent, but so much of my fear about editing is That. that i'm not good enough, that i AM good enough and then i have to keep writing after this book is done, that there will be more work in this that just another edit.

i was so driven for most of 2020 and 2021 and then my entire life got ripped apart and remixed and only now two years later do i finally feel like i'm stepping back into myself. i started therapy again and in preparation for that i was reflecting on all the shit that's happened in the last two years and there was a comment i made to myself about how meeting EJ gave me the space to become my own person again post-lockdown and for a long time i thought that meant a New me that wasn't at all like the old me...i thought that i was giving up the old pieces of myself because they no longer fit or they hurt too much or i didn't know how to be who i used to be...but in the last month or so i really feel like i'm returning to the old me (taylor fan, reader, writer, TV binger, artist) while also honoring the new me (climber, cook, emotionally stable lol). i can't explain it but the old light that died in me at the coffeeshop is coming back stronger now.

and now that i'm (hopefully) moving (!!!!!!!) into my own place (AFJHSDK) i think i'm another step closer to that version of myself i've been chasing. which is to say, i'm having grace with myself and remembering all the old things i used to love doing and i feel like very very soon i will be in a safe space where i can finally explore who i'm meant to be. and while i'm terrified of living alone (for the financial reasons obviously) i also have to remember all the benefits of that terrifying prospect. that i'll have the space to be myself. and that peace will lead me to so many wonderful places i don't even know yet.

i'm still not sure when the writing will return to me...in rereading my manuscript i feel like i spend half the time going "NO NOTES!" and the other half going "this is the most cringe, most terrible writing i've ever seen fix all of it please!" it's intimidating and i'm no longer confident in myself like i once was, but now that i feel like i have no deadline and i'm sinking into the idea of a self-published book i'm a little more at peace with it. like i feel like when i do get back to it and start sitting in coffeeshops on the weekends, i will have the space to fully explore this story one more time and put the new pieces of myself inside it.

it's weird because another reason i was so scared of this story is that when i was last editing it i was deep in the trenches of 2021. i intertwined so many people and experiences from that season of my life into the manuscript and it almost feels like i'm just reading about ghosts now. but it's also the ghosts of lockdown and the ghosts of my early twenties and the ghosts of rep tour and the ghosts of all the people i hoped i'd be by now. it's a book about a 21 year old but somehow at 27 this story is more relatable to me than it has ever been before. i am writing my own story that doesn't have a happy ending yet and i think since i don't have the answers it feels like i can't explore that on the page. if i can't offer hope or the promise of a happy ending then does that story deserve to be told? (yes)

i thought i had given up on books and then something changed (as it always does) and i found my way back. i always do. and i always find my way back to writing too. it's just so hard to see life as a string of seasons and cycles when it feels like every second is the start and the end. there is space to grow and change and come back and return and revisit and leave things behind. there is enough time. and sometimes your time is best spent falling back in love with your life. i've spent the past few weekends feeling a little useless - sitting around, resting, not doing much of anything - and even though i can't keep doing that forever, i has forced me to get back in touch with what i want and who i am. sitting in my room with all my books and my cameras and my cool decor centers me, it gives me a reason to keep on living.

i truly don't know where i'm going this year. i have some ideas, some hopes and dreams, but i have resigned myself to "fixing" my every day. to focus on where i am, to make my day to day better and spend less time traveling. and while that would've scared me a few years ago before a global pandemic, i think now it's like a promise to myself. a promise that i am worth investing in and that i can get better and that even if i don't get better, right now is good enough. i had so many dreams for this time of my life that didn't come true and for a while i grieving them pretty hard. and then i set myself free from those dreams and i thought i'd never see them again...but that's not true at all is it? the things that love us, the things that we love never truly leave us after all, they always come back.

also i finally had a vision for the WIP book cover and even though it might change if i ever hit that point...it gave me a little push that sounded like "keep going" <3

#LC #wip #writing #personal #update #tldr: might start editing my book again soon & also im doing good

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