#im left catching up and apparently ive been sleeping on the track even though im the turtle

[aashiqq]

I lied

#so #dni #idek where to start man #the first thing i can remember is that im a misogynist now apparently #wait not now #ive always been #that i judge girls for living their life and guys for having what I don't have #surely not what i want to be like literally the last thing i want to be is a misogynist #the world is not a sunshine place i imagine it to be where nobody is a racist or sexist or homophobic or ableist and everybody sings hakuna #matata or sunshine songs its pathetic it makes me wanna vomit i want to be happy but it forces me to become nihilistic with my thoughts #its fucked up its just so rotten at its core that even the smallest emotions feels like a huge generosity from the gods themselves #im at the pojnt in my life thaf if i dont act now im going to lose the years ive already lost #my entirety of teenage is gone now and im unprepared and unequipped to fight around for my life #im left catching up and apparently ive been sleeping on the track even though im the turtle #it fucking sucks to be me yk #im so so soo self centred btw i cant think of others i cant care for others unless its about me somehow #i deserve to die for whatever goes on in my head its so blasphemous to existence itself its pointless to even exist anymore #i have everything a person could ask for #loving parents a normal life a good college friends who care for me and who i care for not that financially fucked up a good career #lined up in the future #i could be stable yk i could be happy grateful satistfied #i should even be working harder to achieve what i want without losing up on reality chasing my dreams #and what do i do #what the fuck do i do????? #cry over a girl just because she was supposed to *save* her virginity for when we got married??????? #how stupid is that????? #she doesnt owe me anything she can do what she wants with her life she isnt someone i control or any such thing #who am i to judge people im literally just a loser npc simpleton who's been left alone and normal so long he's forgotten how to exist #i feel disgusted with myself #its just like the times i have the wild theories about whos doing what behind my back

[thinkingallowed]

building blocks of solo travelling pt. 1

right now Ive got a lot to talk about and am struggling to get the time construct my ideas as solid as id like, so for the moment ill be writing more free flow and less editing so I can get some momentum going with my posts….

Human connection and a sense of belonging is believed to shortly follow food, water and shelter on the list of basic human needs for survival. This belief makes a lot of sense looking at my life. Unless it was out of my control, I literally didn’t spend an hour, let alone day without being with my friends or family. Growing up, I was inseparably from my parents, to the extent that I preferred sleeping in their bed until wayyy after it was cool, even then, i only left to sleep at mates or girlfriends house. This need to always be with people reached the point where often I would prefer bad company than none at all… This has never been so apparent as it is now travelling “alone”, though to be honest even now don’t often leave a park, bar, hostel, bus, plane or even a line for food without cracking a conversation every chance I get.  

In my eyes, everyone is innocent until proven guilty, this attitude quickly lead to me becoming a great judge of character an allows me to deeply connect with and understand all sorts of people but So far on my journey, this has proven to be my most valuable asset yet greatest hindrance. Though I want to develop these traits into a profession where I can help people.  

The more I align to my purpose, the reality is the more I need to be selective of when and who I spend my time with doing what. At the same time, I want the confidence to jump head first into whatever rabbit holes present themselves in the forms of people or experiences, knowing I can trust the bungee cord around my legs to pull me out if I get lost or of track. This metaphorical bungee I mentioned in my previous post is A daily practice that Im developing, its a way to reconnect with myself, starting off as i mean to continue before getting lost doing everything else in a days work. 

My routine at the moment starts with making my bead and brushing my teeth, washing my face and drinking a litre of water. Followed by an hour or so of Movement, stretching and meditation, Kundalini Yoga and chi gong at the moment. The most essential part of my morning practice is to spend as much time getting into my body and reconnecting before I look at my phone and allow all the worries of the world a chance to enter my energy field. I find once I’ve don’t this practice my actions that follow are less mindless and more efficient, even if I need to look at my phone I wont get caught scrolling social media. After this I do half an hour or so of Spanish study and reading while making breakfast. 

Spending more time alone without any influence from others is proving so valuable and for the first time I can’t get enough of it. In turn when I am with people I feel I’m bringing so much more to the table with more independence and appreciate sharing energy and ideas with others whenever I do. 

I have have always been very open about my thoughts and feelings with people I meet. This made my opinion of myself very much a combination of how I think people perceived me, either from what I understood of what they told me or purely of impression of how the felt and treated me. Its crazy that now when I’m alone, I still have thoughts in my head of other people opinions and so much of waht I do is to impress others, thinking what they would think and blah blah blah. Im developing a light hearted way of letting go of old habits and of who I think I am to allow room for growth. Its a painful process that im starting to find the humorous. Catching myself doing things I used to find Normal so silly and strange. Its hard to be honest with myself that this is who I am but it seems rediculous to be any other way. 

A close friend and mentor recently called me out on moving towards a hedonistic way of life and reminded me that ultimatly I want to give back the love ive recived so much of in my life. This is true and I am being selfish at the moment and finding the best way for me to life efficiently and happy, but its important not to loose sight of the bigger picture of giving back. Since writing this last paragraph Ive had a ludicrous series of events leading me to be in contact with a company that raises money for homeless in London and hope to start volunteering with them asap.