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elimagdasoc-blog · 4 months

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17-January-2024

I'm scared to be alone and lonely. I used to be comfortable with solitude, but now, I'm not. I don't like the way I'm feeling right now; it's really heavy. I'm crying, but I don't know why. Is this a sign of mental illness? I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that I'm sad right now. I know God; I believe and trust in Him. But, at the same time, I'm aware of what I'm feeling. I suppose this is what it feels like - you might seem okay on the outside, but inside, you're empty

Perhaps it's because I'm not financially stable yet, and I want to get married, but I haven't been able to save. We're still paying bills and loans, living paycheck to paycheck. I worry about not wanting to be a burden to my fiancé, especially since I was unemployed for six months last year. I feel like I haven't contributed enough to our expenses. I wish I was a college graduate. Maybe it wouldn't mean much, then I could take any job that life has to offer. Or, I wish I could be more like my best friend. Even though she's not a college graduate like me, she's much wiser, and job opportunities come easily for her. But I’m not jealous of her. In fact, I’m proud of her I saw how she went through and what she is right now. She inspires me to become better everyday. She drew me closer to God.

I'm aware that I'm anxious and constantly worrying because I want things to happen quickly. but, I understand that God's timing is always perfect. I just don’t want to disappoint the people around me. It feels like I'm carrying a burden and facing high expectations for myself.

I love Al. He's my answered prayer. I always thank God for giving Al to me. I don't know what I've done to deserve him. He's so much more than I have prayed for – a non-alcoholic person, a home buddy with no vices, who just likes to play games all the time. When I decided to bring myself to church regularly, he came along without hesitation. I'm his first girlfriend, and probably the last one because, hey! we were already engaged last December. As mentioned earlier, he's my fiancé. I cannot imagine my life without him. He's way more precious to me than anything else in life. I love him, and I always will.

I'm writing this blog because no one knows about this site, and perhaps I just want to vent out my feelings and have something to look back on once things go my way.

I pray to God to align my plans according to his will. I trust God's perfect time.

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