#I just feel overwhelmed constantly and I hate it

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

I don’t know, I just think it would be nice to feel content and happy for a little bit.

#payton goes to: college #I’m just so tired and I feel emotionally drained #like I have no idea what I’m going to be doing after I graduate in May #one of my professors told me to look at Columbia’s program for journalism and it overwhelmed me #like I can’t afford to go to a school like that I’m only at the one I am now because of scholarships #and I don’t really want to go to college for another 2-4 years or whatever #like I enjoy learning but at what cost? #and then at night I’m just so lonely and I hate it like I hate waking up from dreams where I have a partner and am happy #I just feel overwhelmed constantly and I hate it #I feel like things are quickly pressing in on me #I have these moments at times in the semester like this so it’ll pass in like a week or so but I don’t enjoy it at all

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things #out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever #all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever #or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc. #especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple #and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already #done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and #all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you. #who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3 #my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster #talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo #I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache #or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop #e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all #sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef #t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of #way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I #think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i #gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!' #like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant #mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain #or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right #now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like #most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once #that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY #Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration #just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming #the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness #eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing #what a damn chore #so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked #i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED. #i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please... #i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace #but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know #anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes #so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really #trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway... #the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever #JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess #light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings #also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL #so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me #but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace #sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general #oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body #& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks #like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman #& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC

[gremlinbehaviour]

so it turns out I'm fucking stupid

#i stopped taking my antidepressants for pmdd because i hated how drowsy it was making me when i needed to be studying for finals #and now guess what my pmdd is kicking in BADLY and i'm too overwhelmed and upset to study for finals anyway #my final is like my midterm and it took me a whole week to study for that one and now I have one fucking day left i'm gonna fail #i hate this i hate feeling so out of control of my own emotions and them changing at the drop of a hat #i hate not being able to accurately remember what things feel like and make good decisions accordingly #i hate being awake i hate having things constantly looming overhead and waking up every day and dreading everything i have to do #i hate mental illness i hate being lightheaded for no reason i hate BEING SICK FUCKING AGAIN most of all #i just want things to be easy #pmdd #negativity #mental illness #medication tw

[shmingleping]

Day four ? without any sleep

#personal #thoughts #drugs #iv drug addict #too much in my head #never stops #constantly thinking #never productive though of courses #mostly my fears that there is literally nothing i can do to escape them or even make hurt less #thoughts of why and what it is i hate about myself #how much i wish i could go back #or just change things now #either way theres so many regrets #so much i cant forget #i cant forgive myself either #im getting closer and closer to ending this shit every dqy #even more so when i get stuck in such a bad place that i cant catch a breath while sobbing uncontrollably #so much guilt too #i feel so much pressure to be more than my father while being nothing like him or my sister #but just existing each day feels overwhelming #even when i can use its still bad. #nothing helps. it just makes me feel horrible and undeserving #i was not supposed to be a human alive in this world #especially not having this mind i have paired with this body and all else that i wish i was strong enough to ignore or heal #my real wish would be to have never existed in the first place at all #everyone would be so much better if i wasnt making life worse for them #dreams of living thoughts of suicide

[captain-lovelace]

The thought of TAing tomorrow is honestly making me feel like . Crushing despair and overwhelming fear

#I don’t think I was trained enough for this #and I’m not a very assertive person so I have to bank off ‘my students see me as an authority figure’ #and just kind of let myself run on automatic #despite the fact that I am constantly terrified #I hate this #I hate this! #I hate the constant questioning and overthinking #I feel like #overwhelmed to the point of near-suicidal #with a lot of this

[saintflint]

there’s no way of knowing how utterly terrifying it is being your truest self until it’s suddenly your reality and there’s no going back. it’s offering yourself up like a bug placed neatly beneath a microscope. like a deer caught in the middle of the road, the lights blaring closer and closer, wondering if you’re milliseconds from making it or not every moment of every fucking day. it’s almost invigorating. somewhere between obliteration and adrenaline, neither one or the other. that heaving breath after having woken from falling and crashing into your own bed. but there’s no relief. or if there is, i haven’t been lucky enough to find it yet.

#this is about being out as trans for the first time ever in a working environment #which in and of itself isn’t uncommon in the workforce whatsoever but working in education there are unspoken standards regarding teachers #and the last few months i’ve been on the edge of sheer panic or plummeting depression having to trust complete strangers with all of me #for four years i was hiding under the guise of ‘miss tori’ while hating it every second #and i want to cry every time i hear a staff member or kid call me ‘mr’ with a smile and without hesitation #but i’m not stupid i know i don’t pass and it never bothered me before but now i feel like i’m constantly micromanaging my own actions #every time a parent or visitor walks through the door #it’s just #it’s so fucking scary and overwhelming #(*)

[p2ii]

Experiencing catharsis through angst and hurt/comfort fanfic but as soon as I stop the horribleness™ comes back

#like bro you did the catharsis why do you still feel like shit #i think im at the point where i like my current interest so much that NOT actively engaging with it makes me depressed #but engaging with it makes me feel too much emotions (good ones dw. but like the kinda joy that hurts your chest from its intensity thats #usually best in small doses) #so im just. constantly overwhelmed #also school sucks but thats nothing new #i hate ah art! art is difficult as a baseline but giving us free reign over our portfolio theme was a bid idea i have no idea what im doing #and my twcahers are sick of discussing it with me #so i keep making shit knowing i hate it and its probably not gonna be marked well #psii.txt #vent

[combeauferre]

.

#once again overthinking about how i keep considering adhd medication to be some kind of life changing drug #like im just. waiting for my life to start? when i get on meds? #and there's like. a decent chance it is not gonna be like that for me #no antidepressant or adjacent has ever worked for me before #and i shouldnt rly get my hopes up and i should probably just find other ways to help myself #but it's like 'oh no i cant do that bc i have this thing later' but on a larger scale #idk #i just keep getting stuck on like #what if im just like this for the rest of my life #what if there's no treatment that works for me and what if i just cant do shit and leave things to the last minute #and feel overwhelming intense rejection and lowkey constantly hate myself #and go through all this with no remedy for the rest of my life? #what then? #idk i think im still coming to terms with like. #adhd actually being a disability #the vindication of 'oh im not faking all these things i actually Do have adhd' #is slowly being replaced by 'oh. i have adhd and i actually have to deal with that now bc it is disabling and debilitating' #and it's just. shit #anyways #ignore me #incoherent rambling

[cheekblush]

need a lobotomy asap <3

#i have a horrible migraine once again #but i know it's self inflicted bc i spent the whole day in bed on my phone... #when i was supposed to be studying 😐 #i hate myself so much #i have a test on tuesday and an exam on thursday and i only have this weekend to properly study and i've just wasted the whole saturday.. #.. just rotting in bed giving myself a migraine #and i know i won't manage to revise everything tomorrow bc it's soooo much... #why do i always do this to myself i truthfully hate myself so much like i have no discipline #but i also just want to rest on the weekend bc the school/work week is already exhausting enough #i feel so stupid complaining about this bc i know people who get so much more done than me + manage to have a social life #and here i am with absolutely no social life and i don't even manage my tasks and chores i'm constantly overwhelmed #simply existing takes up so much of my energy like i am tired all the time idk how other people do this i'm just not made for all this #i have absolutely no energy!!! and i know it's the untreated depression but i just feel like such a lacking person in general #this makes me think of that kafka quote.. #'i could've built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling to life and reason' yeah... that's how i feel all the time #the other day on my commute to school i saw this beautiful sunrise & all i could think about was su*cide like i almost bursted out in tears #like... i am just not meant for this world for this life... i am not well.... #☁️

[noxtivagus]

ahh i'm so tired sorry i haven't been really active lately but i promise i'll fix all these stuff up n be well for the new year soon

#🌙.vents #i'll just ramble for a but ig. i can't.. let myself go to anyone at all for stuff like this but it hurts more when i keep it all to myself #oh wait good morning i guess i got around 9 hours of sleep huh #lovely going to sleep n waking up w tears in my eyes yeah absolutely Great #the future i want is. unrealistic i suppose #god i hate being pessimistic i prefer holding unto hope n i truly know better than all these burdens but #it hurts. all this pressure n then it just feels so lonely. i don't know if i belong in this world #every now n then when i just think of.. stuff my heart feels like it's being sharply stabbed with cold n then suffocated a bit #n then i'm crying even more as the whole emotion overwhelms me everywhere #but i suppose it's better this way. i'll hide this part of myself from the rest of the world n heal on my own #perhaps it's stupid of me to think i could do that on my own but i'm just so tired i might as well do it on my own now #it feels like everything is falling apart. wishes dreams hopes. every word forgotten #n.. i know it's not entirely this way but fuck it feels like it's all my fault for messing everything up #my mind is in a dilemma n it's like i'm just constantly fighting w myself inside #it's so draining #but i have a reality to face so i'll just. i'm sorry i'll bury it #i'm sorry to the words i used to write to myself then. i don't want to let them go but i suppose they were too 'naive' for this world #i don't have anymore energy to reach out. ffs i just want to be better n do better but i'm so tired #i don't want to forsake my younger self but.. i'm sorry maybe i'll just live out all this in my head instead. as i used to do #i have a lot to do dw i'll get up n face them #it hurts. i don't want to hurt myself but i can't be productive like this n #the other better way is. not for someone like me yk i don'r have much friends i'm too shy but all of them have closer friends n #apollo deserves more my family deserves more than me i'm sorry i just want to be myself but maybe that's not needed at all in this world #i'm not enough so i might as well go along this path. i know it won't make stuff better but. it fucking hurts i'm sorry #that sounds so sinister without the rest of the context dw i'm not gna do anything too extreme but. i have to be well enough to live in this #world. yeah. #i'm. oh my god this hurts bcs i know better i really do but these thoughts just persist n it hurts so much. it hurts so much #i don't want to lose myself to these negative thoughts bcs i rlly know better but god it hurts it hurts #i'm afraid bcs if i.. hide properly or wtvr i know i can be good enough to. idk pretend cleanly that i'm fine n destroy all the progress #i've built. but i don't want to lose myself. i know better but i'm stuck in my head n it hurts so much i'm sorry

[crabussy]

I LOVE THE EDUCATION SYSTEM

#I'm in school ((((: having a Fucking TIME #I love being autistic and trans at school #I'm so anxious I feel like throwing up #my memory issues mean I humiliate myself in front of classmates constantly #I have an information processing disorder and the teacher goes way too fast for me to keep up without being overwhelmed #I hate being disabled #my classmates have known my name and pronouns for almost three years yet they still call me by my deadname #I have to spend so much of the little energy I have available to mask #vent #man I feel so sucky venting on here #vent tw #robin shut up challenge #ok to interact #I'm so tired of every single day being a fight just to do what my classmates do with ease

[wachi-delectrico]

I wish whoever came up with videocall-only psychiatric/psychologist appointments a very die in a ditch

#rambling #i'd rather go undiagnosed and untreated for the rest of my life than have the constant anxiety of whether my family can hear the things #i'm saying to the health professional #like i'd rather die for real i just can't handle that kind of stress #please i'll go wherever just let me see you in person i hate videocalls for so many reasons #they're so awkward and feel inescapable and i feel constantly watched and they're so overwhelming and aaaaaa

[pumpkin-padparadscha]

practical magic

the decoy bride

crazy rich asians

ella enchanted

mirror mask

the secret of moonacre

rocky horror picture show

sky high

double dragon

the legend of johnny lingo

the thirteenth year

stardust

the princess bride

warm bodies

alice in wonderland where whoopie goldberg is the cheshire cat

#im making this list for in case i need it #just live actions on this one bc i dont wanna be constantly adding more #presence on the list is determined solely by nostalgia factor and rewatch value #very specifically movies i can watch for comfort #i absolutely cannot watch movies where the stakes are too high when im feeling overwhelmed emotionally #also i hate suspense #and secondhand embarassment #and action movies with repetitive action sequences and excessive explosions #double dragon is shitty btw i dont recommend it. its only here bc magic necklaces make brain go brrrr

[slipper007]

Cannot wait to move back to college

#cw negativity #to delete #im so frustrated #nobody listens and everything is always a personal failing. #here I am with three weeks until I go back and i gotta write two 10 page papers. that's already stressful. #so one parent nags me once a day and the other blows their top whenever they feel like it because theyre not done yet #why aren't they done? I'm working through shit from the traumatic bullshit of the year. this is a horrible work environment. I'm burnt out. #but no. go off about how I'm lazy despite straight As and never having had this issue in all my years of school. #i can't fucking sleep. my house is full of distractions but so is everywhere else. there's nowhere to work. #got kittens & im absolutely terrified theyre gonna die horrifically (thats totally not a trauma response from holding my dead cat for hrs) #I've been explaining I can't work without a desk since i was nine and yet there is still nowhere to work. kitchen has no wifi. bed has bed. #(my lil bro got a desk in 2020 except it's covered in his junk & in the living room where everyone always is so I effectively can't use it) #nobody else does shit w the kittens so they're always high energy. keeping me awake @ night. getting me up early. horseplay w each other. #trying to explain that im constantly overwhelmed by the environment gets me nowhere #trying to stay home when everyone else does things gets me nowhere #now im going to see my aunt & grandmother for a week because my gma is looking bad & she's gonna go & you're going to make me feel worse #about it??? you know how much I'll fucking hate myself if I don't go and never see her again? over fucking schoolwork??? #but thank you for reminding me that I effectively only have two weeks left. very helpful. just what I needed. #and thanks dear parents for never listening when I need you to be understanding. surely if you've finished grieving we all have. #how fucking dare they say im using death as an excuse to shirk my schoolwork. as if im not constantly worrying about it. #as if I don't constantly feel like shit about it. i want my school work done too. i just. can't focus. can't sleep. can't do anything. #and they're completely unwilling to do anything to help me with that. #like fuck i always knew i wasn't good enough for them to actually care but really this is a new low i think. #ugh #i was supposed to plan and research my thesis this summer too. so I guess I'll just be behind this fall too. #best four years of my life huh? #college is a fucking joke with shit like this going on #but at least it's not here.

[skrunksthatwunk]

playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there

#how do i tell her she needs to break up with him immediately. posthaste.fuck it funny post over rant incoming tw emotional abuse i think #nyarla dni #(<- roomie and nyarla have met and i don't wanna air roomie's drama to ppl who know her w/o her consent. anon internet ppl only) #listen i'm normally for gentle advising and that's probably what i'll do since i don't want to stress her out but oh my fucking god what is #his problem. he's constantly putting her in these weird no-win situations where the only right answer is to never be upset or disagree or b #wrong on accident or be misunderstood by him and to tell him everything she's feeling so she's not 'playing mind games' but if she says wha #she's feeling he'll interrogate her and badger her with the same questions over and over again insisting she's unreasonable until she gives #in and says she's sorry with an attitude he likes. i fucking don't like him. and a lot of this is observations from today. the day after sh #GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND BROKE HER NECK. WHAT THE FUCK. #it's like he expects to be treated like a king on one of the worst days of her life and when she's upset he's like OH. OH I GET IT. #and lectures her on having attitude and taking things out on others when she's literally not even doing that. not to an extent that matters #anyway. like. there's more productive ways of dealing with that. where you don't treat them like a bad kid for getting overwhelmed #he has made her cry multiple times today. i have been around multiple arguments and fights and he's just genuinely. awful i hate him #hell the first argument i overheard *i* was in tears by the end (luckily they left soon after bc i had to run to the basement laundry #dungeon to bawl my eyes out because 1. i can't handle confrontation 2. i've never seen roomie cry and 3. she just seemed so hurt and tired) #anyway he just left again after a fight because. god this is so dumb. she told him to move while they were sleeping in the same twin bed #(remember she's in a neck brace) and he fucking. left the room for an HOUR bc he thought the only thing that could POSSIBLY mean (as he #insisted) was for him to get out of here and then when she was like oh hey i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that he decided to spend the nex #half hour of his short time on this earth chewing her out for not giving him a lengthy explanation while half-asleep as to like. why he #needed to move (she wanted to grab smth) and apparently he sat in the chair by her bed for like 10 mins before leaving so he probably saw #her fall back asleep. and then he got pissy when after he left she didn't pick up her phone when he was calling her? even though he knew sh #was asleep?? she didn't even know he was gone. fucking. i need to get him away from my roomie YESTERDAY #look. miscommunication happens. i'm not saying he's an asshole for wanting things said clearly. i am pro-saying what you mean. #but if every time your gf tells you what she means you make it into a 30 minute lecture (no matter how small the slight and w/o examining i #you're actually right or not) she's not gonna wanna fucking tell you if she doesn't think it's worth the argument. especially if you never #let her rest until she concedes. apology isn't enough. clarification isn't enough. she has to say how wrong she was and beg and GOD. UGHHH #and he's always on about how she hurts his feelings. a gust of wind could hurt his feelings. he's constantly berating her manipulating her #and then he's like >:( see that hurt my feelings you can't hurt ppl's feelings. you're disrespectful. HE"S THE WORST I FUCKING HATE HIM #look sometimes adversity reveals the truth of a person and this just amplified his shittiness so much. mr OH i slept in a HOSPITAL and it #was so bad... you can't be in a bad mood bc i've been doing the bare minimum and you need to prioritize MY feelings rn. also i won't leave