#I just continue to fuck myself

[ivan-fyodorovich-k]

man

I get the shit kicked out of me during the week and then get the shit kicked out of me at church

#that call is coming from inside the house #they've been hammering the 'unhappiness is a sin' angle pretty heavily lately #no they do not explicitly say it #but the conclusion seems absolutely inescapable #today's theme: anger is the worst possible thing for your soul #the more you hang on to it the more it poisons you #OK #and also depression is anger #...yeah #I just continue to fuck myself #sigh #God have mercy on a sinner like me

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

more misc scribbles!!!

#while assembling this i thought to myself #Aha! Less Barnaby This Time! #but no. im looking at it now and its. its still primarily barnaby #sigh... #i sit down to draw with a specific thing in mind. i blink. suddenly an unplanned barnaby is on the page #scribble salad #anyway puppets swearing continues to be Hysterical to me #all i want for christmas... is to hear wally darling say Fuck.... #also barnaby. i think that would fix me #actually i just wanna hear all their silly goofy fuckin voices swearing #i would feel peace in my soul

[galaghiel]

what remnant does to a mf

#fnaf #michael afton #me doods #look away people! this one's just for me and myself only #(despite maintagging yes i know but its for organization purposes) anyways #i am a big fan of remnant mutating the shit out of a person #pair that w michael's unique death and continued exposure to the spirits it ends up doing pretty fucked up stuff lol #post scoop michael looks like a purple titan 💀 #i'm literally just making fun of my own design atp lmaooo #whatever's the opposite of same face syndrome i have that w michael #just recently added the bolts to the jaw and i love it sm i'm keeping it #post scoop michael is 6'7 so i just want yall to imagine this absolute unit of a cryptid losing his mind managing the pizzeria #he's out there sobbing shitting rolling on the floor trying to mute the fucking ads absolutely flooding his monitors #i drew what his neck looks like but its usually covered in bandages or a turtleneck #you do not want to see what's under his shirt btw. its a whole circus in there AHAHAHAHAHA

[fairytail-incorrectquotes]

Natsu: I haven't really known what I've been doing since I was like 15, but I don't think it's too obvious Lucy: It is. It is extremely obvious.

#natsu dragneel #natsu continues to be a mood #i'm in law school. like i am a full adult. i pay rent and feed myself. i have no fucking clue what's going on this is a cry for help /lh #he just like me fr #but we knew that. he's actually why my hair is pink. it's all the fault of one sunshine boy with a million dollar smile and the power of fr #endship. he's why i'm getting my degree and why i've planned my wedding and he's why every blessing in my life is mine #sorry got sentimental there hsdbfuwefwegf that's all a story - a very teary eyed story - for another time #lucy heartfilia #nalu #fairy tail #fairy tail incorrect quotes #incorrect fairy tail quotes #incorrect quotes #incorrect quote #anime #manga

[navree]

"that you could be so cruel" ok correct me if i'm wrong but does penelope featherington not run a gossip rag that exist solely to publish unsubstantiated rumors about women she doesn't like for various reasons that have profoundly negative repercussions on those women (didn't the publication of marina's pregnancy lead to marina almost dying in her quest to terminate said pregnancy??????) and has in fact used that same rag to put not just colin's entire family but also specifically colin's sister, her best friend, through a significant amount of grief and strife that came as a direct result of that rag?

but colin's the cruel one? because she happened to eavesdrop on a conversation where he said he doesn't wanna date her? that's cruelty but all the other stuff isn't?

#personal #bridgerton #anti penelope featherington #i'm gonna be honest i skim the absolute fuck out of this show whenever i force myself to watch it #but from what i remember that is literally what penelope does as lady whistledown #but yeah sure a guy who'd never shown any interest in her continuing to not show interest is the worst thing ever done to a human woman #like girl fix yourself!!! #it's you you're the problem! #(also typing that just led me to a horrible realization that at some low point for penelope in the show) #(we're gonna get a vitamin string quartet cover of antihero by taylor swift) #anyway eloise should be allowed to slap girlie across the face once an episode until she begs forgiveness #i'm only interested in that and if jonathan bailey's character has more sad scenes i can use in gifsets about louis philippe of france

[gentleman-todd]

[ source: (S2) Ep.100 - Enough (Part 1) ]

I’m sorry, but why do we keep continuing to act as if Jason was out on the streets jacking tires because he felt like it?

Why frame this as Jason just being an angry kid doing angry kid things because he’s parentless (or powerless and lashing out or whatever) when he was stealing the tires off the batmobile so he could feed himself because he was disadvantaged - ie: homeless. He was fucking homeless - ?

I’m probably nitpicking, but I don’t give a shit. Also, the narrative that Bruce is who “made” Jason a good person “against all the odds” is such bullshit.

#I’m TRYING to enjoy myself and turn my brain off goddamnit #why am I thinking now about how tone deaf (?) this comes off as #jason todd #baby jay #jason todd wfa #wfa #batman: wayne family adventures #wayne family adventures #+w #thoughts #the bitch speaks• #this is wtf people mean when they say that for all wfa’s cuteness that it still exasperates all the issues that #plague the main continuity comics #homeless -/= criminal or delinquent #like the throughline of the story is great! and I love seeing Steph and Jay interacting and bonding #(great by wfa standards) #but the rich man savior thing is…irritating as fuck #anti wfa #just to be safe #anti wayne family adventures

[prolibytherium]

I feel like Mac & Dennis had to have SOME in-universe rationalization for getting rid of all of their furniture and all I could come up with was

A) sold (or attempted and failed to sell) their preexisting furniture to invest in their awesome new inflatable furniture business

B) to make room for their inflatable furniture business inventory (would be a literal explanation for the 'no room' comment) or

C) they had actually been renting NOT JUST the couch but the beds and chairs and etc, and panicked upon discovering this was a dumb as fuck move

#iasip #Realistically leaning towards a combination of A & B. But I love C #I'm not even talking about the rationalization for one bed here I'm talking about getting rid of everything TO BEGIN WITH. #It's easy to come up with in-character excuses for the bed but just getting rid of all the furniture is a mystery to me #Ok I fucking love that episode because it is so pleasing to the part of my brain that likes to linger on unimportant background details #like the fridge contents or everything about Charlie's apartment/bathroom situation #Kind of want to continue elaborating on the latter in the tags here but it's 7 am and I told myself I'd be going to sleep at 4 so uh #mission failed goodnight

[tangledinink]

clenches fist. finally sucked it up and ordered a new ipad...

#i splurged a tiny bit and got one with... one whole fucking tb of storage #my current one has 64gb #it is due for an update and i literally cannot fucking update it lmao i dont have the space #im running out of things i can delete. i literally have procreate and thats IT i have long ago deleted all other apps for the space #i mean i am still getting. like. a refurbed ipad thats like gen 3 or whatever its certainly not NEW #what am i the queen? #but considering i currently have a gen 1 i could literally get anything and it'd be a hell of an upgrade #i have enough money saved up from comms/patreon/kofi/etc on my paypal that i could literally purchase this w/o touching my bank acct #so like! if you have at any point over the past like six months donated subscribed or commissioned me!!! THANK YOU!!!!! #you have allowed me to afford a new ipad and continue making things ; w ; #and hopefully finally get to try out procreate dreams which i havent been able to touch yet fhrfrhf32fe #I REALLY WANNA TRY TO MAKE AN ANIMATIC FOR YALL..... #i thought abt asking for one for xmas but i dont want to wait and it would be a V expensive gift to ask for and also like #id rather just pick one out myself... than rely on my family picking out smth... so... you know. timing is what it is whatever #XMAS GIFT TO MYSELF #personal #txt posts

[maphel-n-doodles]

For @grimnisdottir , who was the recipient of the Giveaway slot! I have no excuse for this being more than a simple sketch. I don't know how to calm down. Maybe one day I'll remember what a sketch is :,)

#senju tobirama #commission work #my art #implied madatobi #naruto #hands continue to be my weakness i loveeee hands i love hands soooo sososososo much #q #if i keep fucking doing line art and accent colors i'm just gonna explode myself

[goldkirk]

I'm so proud of myself about finances in the past couple months. I still struggle with money but I did enough meditation and journaling and practicing about it to make myself able to actually face my loans and credit cards and savings and bills and start really truly organizing and addressing them for the first time in years instead of just flying by the seat of my pants.

Like. This is a huge deal for me. I've felt like I'm in deadly danger every time I've tried to think about money for years and years. I'm finally able to look it in the face and stare it down and start to organize and plan on purpose instead of just keeping up with the minimum to stay afloat. I'm so proud of myself.

It's still a refrain of "GUILT (funny link)" every time I think about money but I'm able to actually make spreadsheets and face the numbers and monthly tracking again, and even make a new full budget which I haven't been able to do in ages.

still feel guilt, overwhelm, and helplessness, but no longer feel as much deep elemental shame and terror. that's progress baby

#we don't need to talk about how many months and months of therapy visits and doctor appointments I put on credit cards #among other things #but I had to put my foot down about it a couple months ago and shout at myself a little saying HEY #I AM SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS I AM SHOUTING FOR YOU TO HEAR #OF COURSE IT WAS A TERRIBLE FINANCIAL DECISION BUT YOU WEREN'T EVEN EXPECTING TO BE ALIVE #THE CREDIT CARD DEBT WAS NECESSARY TO KEEP YOU ALIVE AND IT DID AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS WAY LESS IMPORTANT THAN THAT #why the FUCK are you feeling SO ASHAMED for making the best decision you knew how to make at the time??? #just because you know NOW that you could have tried some other options doesn't mean you did THEN #you may have known enough to feel shame and guilt yes but you would never in a million years have gotten the help you needed fast enough #by attempting to go another route #you didn't trust anyone besides a very few handfuls of people and even them it wasn't fully #and the stress of running it through parental insurance was so terrifying to you bc you didn't know what that would do #and you never had cosigners for anything your whole adult life. it's OKAY #you fucking DID YOUR BEST #YOU HAVE LEARNED. YOU HAVE MADE CHANGES. YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE BETTER #YOU WILL CONTINUE TO LEARN AND IMPROVE OVER TIME #it is not the end of the world. even the utilities sending you to debt collections etc etc #YOU ARE FIGURING IT OUT ONE PIECE AT A TIME #MORE PEOPLE ARE ASHAMED AND AFRAID OF THEIR OWN FINANCES THAN YOU THINK #if the people who fought and argued with and shamed you for considering student loans much less taking them out #had wanted you to actually be financially safer and healthier #they could have just fucking helped out or cosigned your loans or actively helped you find other solutions #instead of spending months and months telling you it was the worst decision ever and would ruin you financially for decades and such #you made the best decisions you could with the level of terror and knowledge that you had. it was enough to keep you alive. #isn't that enough? #isn't it a victory to survive?? isn't that enough?????? #god i'm cringing at sharing this but if it's been this hard for me surely at LEAST one of you has also made financial mistakes or regrets #and seeing me be honest that I fucked it all up too and it's a mess and I'm just climbing back through it as best as I can as I go #will hopefully make at least one of you feel a tiny bit less alone

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

helloooo my dearest darling listeners, i am back on my soapbox to regale you all with the marvelous things i witnessed/experienced on my Whimsical As Fuck™️ three hour drive today. not necessarily in order <3

some cute does with bigass floppy ears / very sweet waitress who called me "hon" and put the most tasty looking crepes on my table / a pair of hawks divebombing a golden eagle / a kite (the bird) / a flock of magpies / some GORGEOUS scenery / a rainbow / lovely rain sprinklings / MORE gorgeous scenery, i mean what the fuck / fields of purple/orange/red tipped bushes / a meadow of buttercup-yellow very tall grass, in which many picturesque trees stood / lots of fluffy, adorable, tasty cows / a large herd of likely-feral horses with a wonderful variety of patterns & colors / the fluffiest husky ever / the juxtaposition of cold wind through an open window + warm sunlight / the most stunning snow-coated mountain of whites and blues in the sun, wreathed in clouds / no seriously some really fucking Gorgeous scenery, i was near tears with some of it

#i am feeling. Better Than I Have In A While #you know! last night i was very unhappy that i would have to do this drive! #but after my 2 hour doze in the ihop parking lot #and a nice breakfast of crepes and tea w/ my book #i was feeling better and decided Fuck It. im gonna make myself enjoy this drive #im gonna take my goddamn time and really absorb my surroundings #by fuck i will stop at a rest stop and take a walk! and i did all of it! #life is actually worth it! glad to have continuous confirmation of that #its so nice to drive and actually see things #beautiful landscapes... wildlife... Geography... #instead of just Flat. Scrub. Brown. More Scrub. Dirt. Dead Scrub aka Tumbleweed. Boring Brown Hills. No Weather. #i can go outside the clouds are Full and the air is Fresh and birds are Singing and i am Alive #absolutely unprompted #i expect the feeling of realness to fade soon but i will enjoy it while it lasts! #and maybe if i feel it often enough it will outlast the disconnect! #now i think i am going to treat myself to a pork bun i just bought & get one of the nice beers from the garage #ive Earned It! #you all treat yourself to something you like as well. we have all earned it simply by existing! #you're here today! Yippee! indulge! #im feeling so fucking whimsical today... ill go work on setting up my extra monitor and figuring out how the fuck that works! #my mic has already arrived! i have hope that i will do a test stream Soon!

[sapphire-weapon]

Have you guys ever wondered why Leon and Ashley have a matching set of alternate costumes called "Romantic"?

It's because it makes every scene between them look romantic. It removes the ambiguity and shows off the true intentions of what Resident Evil 4 Remake is meant to be.

RE4 Remake is a re-imagined version of Resident Evil 4 as a fairy tale, complete with the "true love conquers all" theme between the Hero and the Princess -- hence all of the "The Knight and the Princess Fair" allegories thrown around, as well as Leon having yet another alternate costume literally called "Hero."

If you're still having trouble visualizing it, let me help with the power of mods:

Capcom won't ever follow through or commit with the ship outside of this one game, because fairy tales aren't real and that's also a minor theme in the game, but for this one game -- this one isolated story -- the relationship that was built between Leon and Ashley is romantic in nature canonically.

It's kind of a bittersweet thing, to have this love story that begins and ends in the span of a night (oh wait that's Cinderella, too), because they both wake up from the shared dream of this romance during the ending. But, you know, in Sleeping Beauty, it's said that if you dream about something more than once, then that means it will come true.

Maybe, somewhere down the line, they'll get to have one more night.

#resident evil 4 #leon kennedy #ashley graham #eagleone #meta analysis #do you know how hard i had to stop myself from just putting the lyrics of once upon a dream at the end of this post #fucking cringe shit bro #BUT IT'S ALSO LEGIT #the question now becomes #do i continue with the romantic costumes or with the hero+mod dress #probably both LMAO swap back and forth between them depending on what the scene looks better with

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[shivroy]

few days late but would looove to hear abt ur succession oc!! i also have 1 (evil twunk bf for roman) and ws afraid that nobody else was making ocs and i would be sent to cringe jail SO i love seeing other ppl also doin the same thing!!!!

evil twunk male lover = speaking my language + important

my personal Guy i have posted about only like once is hibernian roy-wambsgans (hibs, named after the soccer team roman didn't buy, logan's team), tomshiv fan child (and an only child) who in this universe siobhan does not abort. he's taller than his dad and wishes his mom would ever look him in the eye. he's a hipster for the 2020s when he was born, and he loves his parents

his middle name is logan (like kendall) and kendall is not allowed to see him. tom privately can't stand the sound of hibernian's voice

#art #succession #succession oc #succession fanfic #fanfic #he is my fucking THINGY #i like successionpilled myself into accidentally loving him #just absolutely too much #and this fic which is just like a continuation of the finale + 2060 fan creation madness is so fun to write #shiv roy retrospective via her childhood + the busted childhood of her kid + gravitation towards tom + the future #thats this fic. hibs fic #shiv roy #siobhan roy #tom wambsgans #oc #hibernian #holds him and shakes him so so so so so so so so so hard Hibs #the nation

[milkweedman]

going from normal sized socks to socks with half the stitches is crazy...i already feel like im zipping along on normal socks so this is like i blink and im at the next step 0.0

#would go a lot faster if i could maybe stop injuring myself getting on and off my bed #not sure what i did to my foot but its stiff and kinda painful and noticably swollen. minor sprain ? #fucked up my knee and then continually my wrist which is whats actually slowing me down. bc like. i start getting into/out of bed #and then when im Almost safely laying/standing i fall the rest of the way #i am hoping its just migraine lack of spactial awareness being worse than usual bc the migraine is worse than usual #but you really never know. maybe if i just fall on doctors until i injure of THEM theyll listen #disability #chronic illness #sock knitting